i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing - Tumblr blog

i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 3 months

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A potential you-know-what note

Trigger warning: Mention of su**idal ideations, deteriorating mental health

No but seriously, this is a trauma dump which - if you're not in the right headspace, you shouldn't read. And this isn't some inspirational piece where, by the end of it, it somehow gets cured? Its just my thoughts and a tunnel with no ending to it, so I just wrote some of it.

I have been suicidal all my life, for as long as i can remember I was less than 6 when i first had the thought of unliving myself We used to live in a 2 room flat, and i remember for some reason i wanted to die By that time, i understood the concept of air, and how the lack of it can kill a person And the room we (me and my sister) were in, had a door with a hole in it I remember one time, trying to close that hole and waiting for all the oxygen to disappear obviously, a six year old didn't think about the window, or the vents i remember being so consumed by the thought of ending it all i cried when i realized it isn't working

Skip to when i was in 5th standard me and a childhood friend of mine were playing and a part of the game required two of us talking for sometime so the first thought that came to me was "What if I were to die?" As soon as i said it, the reaction of my friend made me aware not everybody has that voice in their head which constantly thinks about dying Although i should admit, it wasn't a constant thought then but it was an all consuming thought nonetheless

I don't remember most of my childhood, and i have no idea why But I do remember the feeling, it's always been there i just became aware about it with age

I have been through that journey of anticipating suicide countless times and every time i feel so sure that i am gonna do it this time because it's too painful to not do it and go through it again but i am not that brave and have very limited options i keep researching ways to make it easier and least messier as i can't imagine the pain it'd cause to my loved ones

i keep observing scenarios, and moments of people just being themselves and keep reimagining them in a situation where i am not there anymore how that'd change things it makes my heart hurt, but I know this is inevitable I am just waiting for the day when I'll be brave enough to "pull the trigger" however that may be

#i guess i just have to sit through this one #i wish i could stop #i am aware i have made this page too personal #this doesn't feel right but then again #nothing does #i wish i get the courage sometime soon

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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I should've hugged you longer.

#lesbian #wlw #desi lesbian #desi sapphic #desi wlw #seperation #wlw heartbreak #breakup #writing #nblw love #nblw yearning #nblw mood #nb #non binary #yearning #desi lgbt #desi queer #desi tumblr #desiblr

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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I hope I have made it clear that

your meaning in my life is not inconsequential.

#original poetry #my poetry #spoken word #short poem #lgbt poetry #wlw poetry #lesbian poetry #sapphic poetry #bisexual poetry #nonbinary poetry #nblw poetry #trans poetry #spilled ink #poets on tumblr #button poetry

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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Although I've been trying to work on myself

But I still sometimes call you babe in my head

And more often than not, I mean it.

I'm starting get comfortable with the thought

That it's the one thing which is gonna stick for a while

And maybe it's okay, it's not causing any harm to anyone.

#wlw #lesbian #seperation #wlw heartbreak #nblw mood #nblw love #desi lesbian #desi sapphic #desi wlw #writing #scribbles #ramblings #wlw ramblings #nb

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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It's been more than 4 months since we broke up And more than 2 months since we stopped talking about it Less than a month since I stopped trying And less than a day since I thought about it

You asked me yesterday if I'm still waiting For you, to come back I was hesitant to answer that. But there was a part of me, which still felt hopeful enough to answer.

I said yes, and you seemed surprised. You told me you still feel the guilt. That, you'll keep feeling that way, Until I actively decide to move on. And that you're well aware of how selfish it is.

I asked you if you've moved on, You practically said yes. You said you've romantically moved on from all this. But all I heard was, You fell out of love with me. And as soon as you said that, I realized I've been holding on to something, Which wasn't even there.

I guess there's always that risk, That the other person could grow apart, And there's nothing you can do about it. I was well aware of it, from the beginning. I understand Neil Hilborn's words now, "It's killing me, that you can walk away from this And I just can't"

You could say I'm being dramatic, And I'll probably feel cringe in the future if I come back to read these. Maybe I just need to get high or something.

#neil hilborn #i keep thinking about where i went wrong and what i could've done differently #i can't help but partly blame myself for all this #brb crying #desi lgbtq #lesbian #wlw #wlw break up #enby #desi queer

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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My first Pride

even though we have been separated for a while now I asked you to go with me, and you refused, naturally at first. I decided to go by myself. I went to the event, the day before, and luckily met some people, made a group. I told you all about it, when I came home, you said you've been thinking of going too. I was happy, and I understood, it, again, has nothing to do with me. pride is a massive part of us, and it means so much to us, getting to attend one. I played it cool the whole time, I acted like ‘just a friend’.

I met so many people, talked to them, they were so happy, dancing, chanting and singing, some of them were holding placards of 'free hugs and kisses'. saw so many people kiss each other, openly it was a first. I hugged some strangers too, which was a big deal because I'm shy.

I wanted to hug you, not in 'just a friend' way, wanted to kiss you on multiple occasions, we had an environment where it would have been okay kissing someone in public. I wanted to ask you, but I couldn't I knew what the answer would be, I knew your state of mind and so, it'd have been unfair of me to ask. this is the reason why, my heart skipped a beat when you held my hand or when I kept my head on your shoulder and you relaxed for a brief moment I felt content, you felt like home!

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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The Hurt that never heals

Trigger warning: mention of hos*ital, S*rgery, breakup, mental ill health

I was feeling the increasing distance between us And for some reason, I felt like doing something about it I recorded a song, 12 times then edited it. But after listening to it, for like 50 times, it didn't feel right So I started re-recording it, coz I wanted it to be perfect I wanted that song to convey everything to you Which I couldn't, through words as I was recording it, you texted "We need to talk, about us." I felt a sudden vacuum in my chest I knew what it was about And wasn't ready for it. The next day, you told me, you can't do this anymore. I could hear my heartbeat, I couldn't breathe. Had a breakdown, felt so heavy. But I was aware, I'd been convincing you to be with me for the past few months "don't take any rash decisions, take your time, think it through", I said. And now, I got to know, that you've been unhappy for so long. It made sense. But, I was hurt. We talked about it. The boundaries. All over again. You told me "we can help each other through this" I agreed. But since you were distant, it was just me expressing my grief to you, and after a point, it felt one-sided. So I stopped. Once, I asked you about how you felt when your dad got hospitalized and you said you don't wanna talk about "this feeling shit". It made sense. Once, when you told me something and I felt helpless, I wanted to be there for you somehow, I said "I love you" And everything that comes with it, you told me not to do that anymore. That you can't deal with this right now. It made sense. You told me not to come to the hospital during your surgery. I wanted to come and see you, after discharge, but my requests didn't really reach you. You repeatedly asked me, not to come. Today, after a week, you told me about the major complication diagnosed before your surgery And you didn't tell me that day, coz I get tensed

-"I'm glad you're okay, but I didn't like the fact that you didn't tell me" -"and why do you feel like you're entitled to know about it?" I realized, I had entitlement issues, all along. Even as a friend, you didn't owe me anything. But still, I felt hurt. Had a breakdown again. Maybe I was still living in a delusion, that whatever I was doing, was justified because we were in a relationship for 2 years and I still love you. But to somehow feel entitled, because of that, was a classic jerk move.

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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What A freak-out session sounds like

My whole world is falling apart there's nothing I can do about it My whole world is falling apart there's NOTHING I can do about it The world we've built in the last couple of years The world I've been dreaming about for the last two years The world makes me wanna keep trying The world where I get a sound sleep after every time I meet her

#seperation #inner monologue #heartbreak #a world to come #freaked out #breakup #helpless #wlw #wlw heartbreak

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i-am-just-carbon-and-bad-timing · 1 year

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Astonishment and joy

I still remember the first time when we spent time alone we were starting to get used to each other's silence and presence the first time we touched, I made the first move and you allowed me to hold your hand you noticed the rhythm of my heart beats are unusual you kept your head on my shoulder and I felt the butterflies The first time we kissed, all the voices in my head stopped I could only see your face clearly Everything apart from that felt blurry I felt the 'astonishment and joy' Abigail was talking about I understood, in those moments, that all those movies and songs weren't lying about anything the first time we went on a date, it was burger king because of my indecisiveness I didn't thank you enough for being so understanding I got used to eating with you, eventually. you told me stories about your childhood I was getting to know you the first time we got intimate in a public washroom I was so excited and scared But you held me, & I felt content and kinda turned on???? you tasted salty, because of all the spicy food you've been eating I loved it the first time we booked a room I didn't feel as scared as I thought I would it was a bit awkward at first, neither of us could stop smiling I remember every gasp, every breath, every clench, and every moan the realizations on your face, the things we learned about our bodies "do all lovers feel like they're discovering something new" yes they do Heloise!

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