makings-of-a-cameo

[makings-of-a-cameo]

Crossroads

I have come to an age where everyone looks to you for what is next. Just like when you graduate high school, they expect you to know. I didn't invision my life this far. Not that I did not see myself being here, just felt this was far away. Within one blink I am almost 30 and behind my peers. I am in a healthy relationship for the first time and i am getting older and everyone and their mother is asking when we will get married. Why are they asking me when they should be asking hiim!? haha Next comes the indirect questions on if/when/how many children I want. Letting go of your youth and becoming more mature plays a part. As of right now I either want to o back in time or get my next phase of my life started. I feel like I am in limbo. I understand everyone has their own path and to not compare to others. It can be hard looking at what others have that I do not. I felt this way a long time ago and see how it actaully was not all what it seemed in other lifes that I see on the internet. I have made full circle with the fakeness it protrays. Being patient is hard but I know it'll be worth in the end.

#growing up #marriage #children #next phase #love #letting go #positive

[makings-of-a-cameo]

Is it real or anxiety?

I do not want to disclose what my job title or where I work but I will say I work for a well known hosptial that is ranked high. The hosptial where I work, has many top specialist in their field that bring in many patients from all over the world. I interact with many differnt types of people with differfernt demographics, culture, and backgrounds. That also includes those I work with as well. I interact with majority of departments on different issues. My specific role puts me into intense situations, whether that being from the medical team/administrative or the patient's themselves by either the health concerns/personal dramas. I am involved in their lives at the worst times of their lives. It is understandable that their emotions get the best of them. With that being said, after the pandemic the medical field has taken a hard hit emotionally and physically. It has been 3 years since the beginning and we are not close to bounding back and true across the country. The pandemic took a massive toll on mental health and due to that the behaviors of patients have increasingly become agressive. More so than ever before. The statistics are almost quadrupled compaired to how it used to be. When these situations arise, I am placed right in the middle. It has lead me to fixate on all my interactions with staff and patients/families. "Did I say the right thing?", "Could I have done more?", "Does the team think I supported them or do they feel like I left them out to dry?". Sometimes it gets the best of me and I question if I am even good at my job. It leads my think if I am even good at my job. On paper, I got a promotion after 8 months, I received an award, and I have grown immensely in my position this year. When I am in the moment, I wonder if everyone thinks I am not qualified for this job. I am the youngest on my team and the least experienced. Sometimes these situations are draining emotionally. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am doing what I am meant to do in life but doubt is always under the surface. I hear all the wonderful feedback I recive from patients and mainly my colleagues, but why can't I feel this way on my own. I have felt that I was doing better mentally but now I am thinking I just been avoiding and now its manifesting. Anxiety has always been there but it's becoming to much. I do not want to go home and be upset with myself that may or may not be an issue at work. During the day, there is no issue but once I walk through my front door it consumes me. I need to find a to love myself better.

[makings-of-a-cameo]

Silence is deadly

My life has taken a back seat or a sharp turn, whatever metaphor works best. As far back as I can remember, chaos has been front row. For the longest time I would make the statement that I could never catch my breath or that it was always one thing after another. My life became high stress and very fast pace for pretty much my entire childhood and majority of my 20's. Now that I am closer to my 30's, things have come to a slow crawl. I always would imagine what it would be like and wish that this would be my normal. Looking around and seeing others having peace and not understanding why I couldn't, frustrated me. Many of these stressors were related to things outside my control. Now I won't lie, due to trauma, many times I could have handled things differently but it was a cry out for help. Now that I am in a peaceful era, I find myself to be incredibly bored. No more drama, trauma, arguements, and distrust for those around me has enlightened me on what truly matters. Due to all this peace, interally I want to bring up the past and be revengeful towards those who did me wrong. Mentally, I know that won't do me any good and honestly it's not worth it. How I got here was cutting almost everyone out of my life. Cutting out people who had wronged me, showed they were not to be trusted, lacked good morals, and those associated with those them. Really looking into those around me and determining who is really there for me and a true friend/family. Not a friend/family that was fun to be around but honestly cared when things weren't fun. It was a hard pill to swallow because I would catch myself justifying why they were a good person when deep down I knew they weren't or didn't mind being around those who weren't and I had to accept that. Even if that meant a lot of lonely nights. Along with making the decision on not fixacting and repeating traumas in my mind. Now they are memories that I will never forget but I was done with them controlling my happiness. Allowing myself to place those times in the past and remove them from my present. My peace did not come to me instantly. It was a slow gradual pace then next thing I knew I was here. I looked around and my inner cirlce is small but I know that everyone in it, is worthing having here. They are truly the ones who deserve to see this version of me. When I look back, I see how fast pace everything was and unhappy it made me. I can't help but feel I wasted precious years. My youth that will never be returned to me. I always looked for someday and now that it is here, I guess I never thought I would actually achieve it. It is intersting how we can suprise ourselves when we don't even recognize it. Time will really tell if this peace is here to stay or if it is just for the moment. Either way, it has been wonderful.

#peace #friendship #family #trauma #hardwork #mindset #letting go #worth it #trust #vent blog #my truth

[makings-of-a-cameo]

Age Old Question

First I must mention that I do not think 27 is an old age. This is the first year that I felt that my youth is thinning. I can not shake this feeling that I am losing time. I remember family or family friends making comments such as "wait until it's your turrn" or " you kids just don't get it" or that soon enough things will start to shift. I have always considered myself to be a millennial but really I am considered a cusper. I was born in 1994 and I can be considered to be both millennial and a gen z. I have always felt more of a millennial becasue I relate more to that generation than gen z. I can remember vividly time before social media and modern technology. I had a Xenga when I was in elementary school, Myspace in middle school going into high school. Remember making the statement that I was not going to switch to Facebook at the end of my freshmen year in high school. Obviously that did not last long! During my four years in high school, Instgram, Snapchat, and Vine became popular and it shifted our modern world. I am getting sidetracked from the point I was trying to make. I can feel a divide between my age and younger people. Being the younger generation you mold society by fashion, music aimed for you, movies aimed for you, and general pop culture. I now feel that I am outside looking in, almost another sense of not fitting in. I spent so much time waiting for this point in my life that I did not think about what is next. Not sure if it's becasue I did not want to know what is next or that I did not picture myself making it this far. What my fears are, is that when I look back at my youth, I will have nothing to look back on. I hear old songs and I get the nostaglia of it all but I get an overwhelming depressing feeling. With each song, I go back in time and picture myself back then and so desperately want to go back. It still feels like yesterday but knowing that yesterday was so long ago. I look around and see how much everything has changed. Maturity wise, I know that I have completely changed. That is the main characteristic I know for a fact that has changed. It is one that I feel to the core, which shocks me. Not that I was ever immature before but it is something that I have felt change over night, almsot like a light switch. Since I was a child, I have always been told that I am more mature than others my age or that I have an old soul. For the past year, I have been overwhelmed by this feeling and slowly feeling it take over me. Mainly wish I could lose the feeling of losing time, I know that soon the best is yet to come. Almost everyone that has been in their 30's have said that your 30's are your best years. In Hollywood, they always say the best part of someone's life is their 20's. Which brings all the confusion becuase really it's all perspective. Fear of not knowing what years will be better, was it my 20's or will it really be my 30's and I just don't know it yet. When I look back, I am not certain that I spent it well or did the things that I wanted to do. For awhile, I have only wanted to watch movies from years ago. Hoping to get a dose of serotonin to bring me back to reality. Movies I grew up watching, now look old and outdated which really throws me off. I am spending more time thinking of the past than I am of my future. I miss a lot of things but also feel like I missed out on so much. Knowing that it is too late, scares the hell out of me. I can't turn back time and I can't change any of the things that I did or didn't do. One day I will look into the mirror and no longer see this youthful face. It will be covered by wear and tear, wisdom, heartbreak, joy, and life. I fear that I will not like what I see in the mirror in a vanity sense or who I became. Right now, with 27 years under my belt and 28 just a few short months ahead, what have I really accomplished? What type of impact have I left behind? Will I have left more positivity or negativity in this world? I guess the fear of the unknown, a new fear I never had before. An ongoing internal monologue. To be continued...

#age #time #youthful #pain #movingon #fears #wisdom #monologue #social media #getting old #losing time #self love #1994

[makings-of-a-cameo]

New Beginnings

New Beginnings are intimidating but can also be thrilling. I have decided to publicly share my thoughts even though I have no intentions of this really going anywhere. I wanted to have some sort of way to keep track of my thoughts and feelings. A way to keep an eye on personal growth or a memory book. A print of my life and proof that I was really here. I plan to use this blog as a way to express my feelings, instead of bottling them and a constant replay in my mind. I want to reminisce on my memories along with projecting my goals and dreams. In a sense, a virtual diary. My grammar and spelling in on a lower scale which is why I am not promoting my blog. I do not need grammar trolls coming for me. haha I want something for when I am gone for someone to look back on or currently to take a look into my soul. The way I move, decision making, heartbreaks, triumphs, and everything in between. The beautiful and most definitely the ugly. I did not want to post my personal outlook on my own personal social media where I have people that follow me since I was 14 years old. I have an unhealthy realtionship with social media and due to that, I have a hard time sharing the full me on any social media site. This all stems from my teenage years and all the bullshit I went through and one of the many avenues that negatively impacted me. So here is to trying something new and being vulnerable.

#newbeginnings #my diary #vent blog #inspiration #truth #empowering #growth #new habits #theraputic #masterpiece #peace #happiness #being comfortable