peaceof2002

[peaceof2002]

one i used to love

there are some clothes i will never wash because it carries the scent of one i used to love

falling in love with someone has always hurt

you know it is bound to end but you pray it lasts

you dream of a future where it is just you and them and it works to its ultimate good

i have only felt the true seas of being in love twice

even when it has been months or years, you carry that person with you

they are a part of your mind and subconscious

whatever they taught you sticks and when you’re least expecting it, they visit you in a dream

the dreams are always pleasant, signifying reconciliation the “real” world couldn’t fulfill

but who’s to say our souls haven’t reconciled?

is it possible our souls have met and said to each other: “i forgive you. i see you. i understand you.”

the pain of a love lost will always ebb and flow

i dreamt of a man i used to love the other night

we were bathing with each other

i took it as us cleansing the energy

because although you know it is not in your best interest to be with the person,

and you both have moved on to “better” things,

there’s this unfinished business that lingers until you take it upon yourself to tie the ends

we have moved onto our separate paths to heal without the company of one another

it used to be this tragic, heart-wrenching event, until i awakened on the other side

i can appreciate the moments and think of them fondly

a morning of them by my side, listening to the music they play, being apart of their world

their world and mine coexisted for a brief while in the grand scheme of this concept we call time

just because it didn’t last the way i wanted it to,

does that mean it didn’t “work to its ultimate good”?

what about what i’ve gained from it?

the lessons, good and bad, the heartache, the loss

the unification of our bodies and energies

until our bodies and energies weren’t “good” for each other

everything is relative

as i’ve said before, energy is infinite

my energy is with them and their energy is with me

it is our choice whether we tap into it at any given time

sometimes i do

sometimes i feel them and think they can feel me too

for this type of connection doesn’t die, it only changes

i take the good with the bad and thank god i had the chance to experience it all

no matter how it ended i am thankful for what they taught me

i am thankful i was blessed enough to experience them

they gave me a gift

i cannot experience their physical body for it is not my place anymore

but when they visit me in my dreams

i know everything is alright

no matter what the physical body says

for our souls know we met for a reason, and it is all okay now

our higher selves decided it was vital for our journey on this earthly plane

to mix our colors together and form a delightful art

an art so beautiful and twisted and lively

that it will carry on with us

all i can do is wish them well

and enjoy the moments our souls acknowledge each other in my sleep

and move onto these “better” things where i can love more fully

because of what they taught me

because of what i’ve taught myself in their absence

#poem #love poem #love #writing #spilled ink #ink #writer #writerblr #blog

[peaceof2002]

i am obsessed with the younger version of myself. which is ironic, because younger desai was obsessed with the older one.

her saturdays were filled with glee from sunrise to sundown, because she didn’t have many friends yet. she would sing ‘so in love’ from kiss me kate, and although she hadn’t truly fallen in love yet, she had a pretty good idea of what it would feel like. she would wake up at six am to write about her current crush in her diary. she would curse her soul for feeling so much, because even then, her feelings were too big for her to handle. 

she would imagine what it would be like to be a teenager, a real teenager, one with a lot of friends, one who was pretty, one who had boyfriends, one who lived the ideal ‘dream’ of what it was meant to be. i wish i could go back to tell her there is no rush, that it’s going to happen so fast she won’t realize until it’s there, that it’s okay to be a kid for a little while longer. she doesn’t have to fall in love yet, she’s pretty enough, and the people out there are much meaner than they seem. 

i wish i could tell her to hold on to that acting dream just a little longer because for me, it signifies the pure innocence i once held, where there were only three simple steps before i magically became a star on broadway. i wish i could tell her it’s okay to have big feelings, as long as you don’t let them consume you. big feelings doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you; you’re sensitive to energy, and that’s okay. sensitivity is not a weakness. 

i would tell her to cling onto that saying ‘what’s meant to be will be’, and try not to shift the reality of the situation because that’ll only get her hurt. i would tell her to never stop planning, even when those plans fall through, because our plans will always save us in the end. i would tell her people tell you exactly who they are, if you listen close enough. your naiveté won’t change them into a better person. i would tell her not to beg people to come back. the amount of energy you place into begging them to want you again is what you should place in yourself instead. i would tell her it’s okay to ‘overshare’ because her oversharing one day will lead her to a sense of freedom, a freedom we hadn’t envisioned, but a freedom that comes on a wednesday afternoon when there’s a rainbow after the storm. 

it’s okay to be honest, it’s okay to wear your heart on your sleeve. you’re a sensitive little human, and you don’t ever have to shame yourself for your feelings. acting was her cathartic release and now writing is mine, because these feelings will never end, but at least we’ve always known where to store them. 

there are so many things i would tell her if i could. but i have to say them to me now, because i’m the only one who can listen. and i share them with you, because there is a freedom in it, sharing your innate thoughts with the world around you. a sweet freedom and an even sweeter vulnerability accompanied with the slightest shaking of the hand and a rush in your heart that can only be compared to performing on a stage. and to my friends who are still acting, who are still performing, i hope you’ll allow me to rejoin you one day. 

[peaceof2002]

two chairs

written on june 21, 2021

so, what happens?

wouldn’t you like to find out for yourself?

no.

okay. which part do you want to know?

the boys. tell me about the boys.

it doesn’t get much better. they come, stay for a bit, more than a month if you’re lucky. they’ll leave, circle back, leave again. it’s all the same.

why do they leave?

a lot of reasons. they’re scared of commitment, they’re scared of you. you aren’t what they want anymore. they leave. sometimes we leave, too. but more often than not, we’re too scared to. we wait for them to leave us.

that… sucks.

yeah. it does. it sucks a lot, actually. but if we’re lucky, instead of missing them, we hate them. and we hate ourselves a little too, for letting it get so far.

change of subject. school? new york?

we don’t make it there, at least not yet. online school sucks. then we transfer. turns out private schools in new york are greedy. what a surprise.

shit. do we do anything i’ve planned?

we change our plans, a lot. right now, our plan is to write. heal a little, too. our plan is to be strong, as corny as it sounds. but we’re forced to be the strong one; other people can’t really live up to the challenge the way we can.

how ominous. okay. any advice?

stay in sometimes. don’t drink.

that’s it?

always choose yourself. you tend to put other people above you, but they’ll never do the same for you. or if they do, it’ll be in an obsessive way that’ll really turn you off. yeah, watch out for obsessive men.

are a lot of guys obsessed with us?

in more ways than one. some guys hate us, some guys hate us so much they wish we were dead because we exposed them. we showed the world the dirty little creatures they are and ruined them. now, they want to ruin us.

do we let them?

i don’t know yet. i don’t think so. almost, but not quite. we’re hanging in there.

god, are you ever happy?

happiness is objective. are you ever happy?

sometimes. like, when i’m on stage or when i’m with ____.

hold onto that feeling. but you’ll replace it with new things. life is a cycle, you just switch out the old with the new. people, hobbies, interests. you just switch it out with the new. some things aren’t replaceable, some people aren’t replaceable but you’ll be forced to. you can’t fit in where you aren’t wanted.

what if we fight really, really hard for it? make them stay?

we’re obsessed with them coming back, aren’t we? it doesn’t matter how much they destroy us, how hard they leave, we just want them to come back. it started with dad because no matter how much you want to convince yourself him shutting you out doesn’t hurt, it does. it kills you, doesn’t it? that he chose them over you? that he chooses them over you every day?

does he ever come back?

yes. not in the way you think, but he comes back. they always do, at the very least once or twice.

does it get better? any of it?

right now, things are easy for you. you’re going to wish you could go back, and be smarter than you are now. don’t look ahead too much. here, it’s hard. harder than we ever thought it would be. my advice: handle your shit now, so you won’t have to take care of it later.

which part?

all of it. you know what i’m talking about. and if you don’t, think harder. handle all of your shit so it doesn’t repeat itself. our life loves cycles, it loves the wheel. maybe god is laughing at us.

that’s kind of mean to say. i think god loves us.

you’re right, he does. he loves us a lot… i think. i don’t know. i wish he would listen to us more, though.

whatever’s meant to be will be, right?

jesus, i forgot you like to say that. how about: nature is indifferent to our suffering? how about stop chasing so much because no one ever chases you?

what’s the correlation of those?

there really isn’t, but it’s good to know early on. focus on chasing yourself. focus on making yourself the best version you can be, because you’re really all you’ve got. you can’t depend on anyone but you. everyone leaves, everyone shows how much of an ass they are once or twice, or more if they’re really out to get you. no one is perfect. no one shows up the way they’re supposed to. and maybe they aren’t. maybe we have to be the only ones we can trust, because we’re the only ones who will carry things out the way they’re meant to. we plan everything, that never changes. but we have to be more deliberate, more attentive. we have to hold on to our morals so they won’t be ripped out of us. we have to go back to our roots, we have to--

are you saying this for me or for you?

just promise me you won’t let anyone take you from who you are.

but who am i?

you’re desai. you’re smart, kinda brilliant, but maybe i’m being too cocky. give yourself more credit, you’re brighter than you think. you love. you love so hard. you focus too much on other people, what they think. just live. let go and just live. i wish i would’ve lived more. i’m trying to live more now, but at the moment, living means pretty little liars nonstop and writing until my fingers fall off. and reading. i do a lot of reading nowadays. but it still counts for something. you’re going to love a lot of things, you’re going to learn so much, you’re going to work harder than you ever thought you were capable of. you’re going to be tested so many damn times, not just by others, but by yourself, too. you’re going to be used, a lot. so wise up now. try to spend time with someone for more than a week before having sex with them. don’t jump too fast. keep your feet on the ground. think more.

okay. i can do that.

believe me, it’s harder than you think. but we’re gonna try.

are you scared?

always. aren’t you?

#writing #writer #prose #poetry #note #note to self #self #spilled ink #spilled #love #writerscommunity #blog #writers on tumblr #female writers #spirituality

[peaceof2002]

my cup runneth over

1, 2, 3

i never learned how to ride a bike

i still don’t know how to drive

my longest relationship was six months (off-and-on)

i’ve been in love twice

i wanted to move to new york

i’m in baltimore instead

so, if you could plan your entire life and every detail would come true, what would you choose? would you be famous? beach-town, city, or country? married with kids? maybe you don’t want to follow tradition.

i know i don’t. the more i’ve thought about it, the more marriage seems like a legal contract scam. something the government uses so your break-up (divorce) will be 10x more expensive and messy than it needs to be.

i don’t want to have to ask someone for every decision i make

i’ve spent too much time pining for others approval

too much time seeking externally for the answers

what exactly i want to do, where exactly i want to go, i’m not sure.

4, 5, 6

i miss how skinny i was when i was 15

i spent months building the perfect body

and when i finally had it, i let others talk me out of it

now my rolls have come back

my thighs have spread

and i am back to where i started

other girls drop weight so easily

girls skinnier than me remind me to keep eating, as if they don’t want me to reach their level

maybe they’re scared one day i’ll be skinnier than them and i’ll have won

because it’s all a competition

it doesn’t matter how much we pretend to love recovery

it’s all a competition

i keep slipping

avoiding hunger when it’s what i should love the most

time is running out

7, 8, 9

i don’t trust people anymore

not in the way i used to

i know they’re always going to be selfish

it’s human nature to be selfish, so i shouldn’t be hurt

i shouldn’t take it personally

aren’t we all motivated by greed?

we all look out for ourselves, instead of each other

because fuck me, even if i have been your best friend for years

my therapist will call it setting boundaries

but i call it abandonment

isn’t it funny how a guy loses interest once you sleep with him?

sex is a tool

or, a toy

something you dangle in front of them

something you shouldn’t let them have

because once they do,

what happened to my morals?

they slipped so easily once ___ left

as if nothing mattered anymore

as if i didn’t matter anymore

and it’s no one’s fault but my own

10

what would you choose, what would you choose, who would you be?

sometimes, i think of adopting a kid in my forties

i could raise her to be good

protect her from all of the evils in the world

give her all of the things i wasn’t

give her all of the chances i didn’t have

but is there true protection from evil?

love can only go so far

the bubble will pop

pop

pop

pop

maybe i’ll be a great writer someday

published too many times to count

maybe i’ll be a journalist

and maybe i’ll have a big window where the sun will poke through each morning

and i’ll breathe and thank god i’m alive

and i’ll be so full and complete, all thanks to me

because it won’t matter who left, who stayed

because i’ll have made it through it all

and i’ll be happy

all i want is to be happy

not the fleeting, instant self-gratification

but the genuine happiness, where i can look at myself, i can look at my surroundings

and i can think: ‘i’m alright’

a life where it doesn’t ache to move

a life where my breathing isn’t constrained by the fears of what lays ahead

a life where i’m excited to wake up in the morning

there will be hard times

there always are

but it won’t be as hard as today

people want to cling onto youth, and i do, too

but i don’t have the same youth they have

i wasn’t granted the privilege of an innocent existence

soft,

soft,

soft

[peaceof2002]

life vs death

what does it mean to not want to live but not want to be dead? i equivocate these sets of beings as the same, because each requires a sense of freedom and restriction. to be alive is to feel your heart beat, see your breath move, and feel all there is. to be dead is to transcend, to be in an all state of knowing, to defy time and existence itself. each are appealing and each are terrifying. 

i don’t know if any of this has a meaning. i write to write and i feel to feel but sometimes the feeling is too much and sometimes the writing isn’t enough. how do you put the gray into words? 

[peaceof2002]

trapped

written on april 26

just when you think it’s about to end, it starts all over again

it rises and falls as things are supposed to

we started off with so much potential. what are we now?

this is the longest thing i’ve had in a while and i don’t want to give it up

letters you have but will never read

you sang to me i sang to you

maybe i am in love with nostalgia because that is the best version of you

you bring out the worst and the best all at once

i bring out the worst and the best all at once

i used to over analyze your response to me but now i realize we are just in a cycle

you leave, i leave, it is all the same

but no matter how many times we leave, we stay

we always come back

there is no us, yet you pull me close in the middle of the night and don’t let go

full moons belong to you

i light my incense, i cleanse my crystals, i bring out my decks just for you

you are never gone for long. i am never gone for long

when will we forgive each other

at your best, you are love

your song ‘don’t depend’ is our theme. maybe that’s why you sent it to me on that february afternoon

every night spent with you is a gift but you always ruin it

why do we make things so complicated for us

it is all a game

i’ve decided to play

we are still stuck in this room of mirrors

whenever i tell you i’m letting you go, you won’t let me

sometimes i wonder where we’re going. it used to be so clear

#love #spilled ideas #writing #writblr #excerpt from a story i'll never write #spilled ink #poetry #sad #blog #writers on tumblr #heartbreak #open heart #excerpts from my mind #excerpts from my writing

[peaceof2002]

i never thought

i hadn't really thought of him in that way before. when we first met, i was awed by his infamy. but that didn’t stop me from speaking to him in the summer of 2019.

i was stumbling, drunk, that summer. i was always drunk back then. i was surprised that he was in the same space as me, with people that i knew. i remember watching him on my friend’s tv screen in her basement, laughing at his antics, amazed at his brazened attitude. 

i never thought in a million years i would be sharing newports with him, talking about life and love lost. i never thought that he would become a subtle force of strength in my life, helping to uphold me through some of my darkest moments. i never thought that our friendship would unfold into me kissing him in his room, feeling his hands on my body, even the parts that i’m most ashamed of. 

when he touched me, those parts were suddenly okay. he didn’t judge, he didn’t question. he let me exist freely, like i’ve always wanted to. he let me exist within his arms, within his presence. 

and now, i don’t know what to think. i don’t know if it was the heat of one night, or if it will continue to grow into something more. something that makes my stomach flutter with warmth, something that makes life a little brighter around the edges, something that makes staying in my too small town not that bad. 

#love #writing #prose #love prose #teen #teenager #write #writer #free write #spilled ink #spilled feelings #life #sad #quotes #prose poetry #poetry #heartbreak #oneshot