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sanddusted-wisteria · 6 months

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How to Send Letters to a Star [Oneshot]

GN!Builder/Qi; heavy angst

Warnings: Major character death, grief/mourning over a spouse

Edit 11/23/23: Now with a playlist, for extra sad

Summary: An extension to Empty Skies, Hazy Skyboxes, set after Chapter 4.

The builder is gone, and so is their virtual double. Left without his guiding starlight, Qi sets out to navigate the treacherous waters of recovery with nothing but pen and paper. But this time, he isn't alone.

Also on AO3

A/N: I've had the idea of extending ES, HS for several months now. I originally planned it as a fairly long multichapter fic, but I couldn't really find a way to make it click. But just recently, I came up with this! It reuses some of the ideas I had in that original outline, but it brings them together in a way I feel is much more cohesive.

Just like ES, HS, this fic won't take into account any of the canon main story after The Goat, nor any of the implications of what's happening in Sandrock in the background at this point of the story. Pretend that these two fics exist in a "main story stasis" of sorts. Enjoy!

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Qi sat at his usual seat outside the saloon, waiting for his order to arrive. He idly sipped at a cup of tea as he watched the golden light of the evening fall over Main Street. He wished the frycook would hurry up a little. He wanted to be back before dark.

“Evenin’, Director.”

From the street below came Hugo’s voice. He leaned over in his chair to see him coming up the road, returning home for the night.

“Oh. Hello. Productive day for you, I assume?” Qi said.

“Yeah, not bad,” Hugo replied as he stretched his shoulder out. “Got a couple nice swords finished. Best ones this week. How ‘bout you, holdin’ up?”

“Nothing of particular note today. Though that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I suppose.”

Hugo hummed. “Sometimes a borin’ day’s better than a bad one.”

Qi nodded. It was silent. He took another sip of tea. Hugo scratched his head.

After a minute, Hugo started walking again. Qi thought that he would head back to his house, but to his surprise, he walked over and took the seat opposite Qi.

“Um…?” Qi looked over, confused.

Hugo let out a light sigh. “I know that look.”

Qi frowned. “What look?”

“You’re thinkin’ about ‘em again, ain’t ya?”

“N…no. I was just thinking about how I wanted to return to the Research Center before nightfall—”

“—So you don’t get reminded of ‘em again.”

Qi looked away. “…Yes.”

Just then, the door to the saloon opened, and Grace appeared. “Hey, sorry. Had a bit of a fire to deal with… Um. Not with your stuff, though.” She set the tray down on the table next to Qi.

“Mm. Thank you,” Qi said, mind elsewhere.

Grace suddenly noticed Hugo. “Hey, anything for you?”

Hugo shook his head. “Naw. Jus’ talkin’ with the director here.”

Grace’s eyes flickered between the two of them. “Gotcha. More tea?” she asked Qi.

“Oh…no. That’s fine.” He handed Grace the money for the meal. She had no snarky comment this time. Not even a smirk.

“Cool. Enjoy, then.” She turned to head back into the saloon. Halfway into the door, she paused and looked back at Qi. “And take care, okay?” Then she disappeared.

Qi took the spoon from the tray and began drinking his tea porridge. Hugo stared out across the street, lost in thought.

“How you feelin’?” Hugo suddenly said. His voice was quiet, but it was the loudest thing on the silent street.

“I…” Qi set the spoon down. “I…don’t know. I don’t know to describe it, at least.”

Hugo nodded sagely. “Somehow…I know. There really ain’t a word in any language to describe it.”

Qi let out a quiet hum. “How…else did you deal with it?”

“Hrrrmm…” Hugo brought a hand to his chin, frowning at the ground. “Well…I remember soon after it happened, we all wrote letters to Rhonda. Me, Heidi, and Mama.”

Qi frowned. “Letters? To a…nonexistent recipient?”

“Well, we never put ‘em in the mailbox or anythin’. We’d jus’ slip ‘em into envelopes and seal ‘em up, and we’d put ‘em away with the rest of the mail, like she really got ‘em.”

“And this…helped?”

“A lil bit, yeah. Anythin’ we ever wanted to say to her…but never could… We could put it in a letter. Get it out of our system, y’know?”

“That does seem logically cathartic,” Qi muttered, mulling it over. “Do you…still do it?”

“Not as much anymore. Started with one every few days, but as we all got a bit better, we did it less and less. Nowadays I only do it about once every year or so. Jus’ to remind her I still love her. And that we’re doin’ alright.”

Qi slowly nodded. “I see. I suppose there’s no harm in trying it.”

“Yeah, give it a shot. You’re still young. You must have plenty left you wanna say.” He shrugged with a sad look in his eye. “It’s the best we got. Least until the Light reunites us.”

Normally, Qi would have scoffed at that last comment about the Light. But the emotions of it bled through the unscientific idea. He let it slide.

Hugo stood up. “Let me know how it goes…if you want. I understand if that’s somethin’ you wanna keep to yourself.”

“I’ll see,” Qi said. “Regardless…thank you. For all of your guidance.”

Hugo let out a low chuckle. “Don’ mention it. You know where to find us if you need any more help.”

“Of course. Good night, then.”

“Good night. You take care, now.”

Qi watched as Hugo left the saloon’s deck and disappeared into the warm light of his house.

------------

Dear Starlight,

Hello??? I’m…not sure what to write here. Hugo has suggested that I try writing letters as if you could receive them. Apparently this has some emotional benefits to it. I could see it from the way he explained it, but actually doing it myself feels so strange. I know for a fact that you will never read these words, yet I write like I can. I think I will experiment with this further…but perhaps when I think of more topics to write about.

------------

Qi ripped the last piece of duct tape and slapped it onto the box. He heaved a sigh as he looked it over. Hopefully the relic wouldn’t get damaged in transit. Not that it made any difference if it did. He just needed this thing out of his Research Center. Out of his sight.

He grabbed a marker and wrote down the address on the top of the box.

Old World Computing Technologies Lab

University of Vega 5

Vega 5

Alliance of Free Cities

No return address.

He felt his stomach churn as he shoved it out onto his doorstep.

That wasn’t them, he silently told himself.

They weren’t in there.

They weren’t anywhere.

------------

Dear Starlight,

I got rid of the virtual reality relic. I had it shipped off to a lab in Vega 5. Maybe they can get some use out of it. Maybe they won’t make the same mistake I made. Or maybe they will. It’s not really my problem anymore. I just couldn’t stand knowing it was in my Research Center. I reset everything, of course. No traces of the virtual Sandrock project remain. With luck, no one will even know that I was the one who sent it.

I’ll try not to write about this again, since I really do want to move past it, but…it still sits very clearly in my mind. Sometimes my mind still conflates you and your virtual double as being one in the same. Is that an indicator of the quality of my work? Or a sign of my own mental weakness?

The last thing I want to do is to delude myself again into believing that clone was really you, but even so…I felt like I did the right thing by you. I really, truly felt that you would have wanted me to erase all the progress I had made.

In that moment…it seemed like you were really talking to me again.

There I go again. High quality work, or my emotions taking advantage of me?

Now. Let’s put this all behind me. For good. I still don’t know exactly what to do without you, but anything is better than this.

------------

Qi was busy running the statistical analysis for his last experiment when someone suddenly grabbed his shoulders. He yelped and angrily whirled around to find Mint standing there, snickering.

“Sleepyhead! Why?!”

“Come on, Spacecase. When was the last time you saw the sun? ANOVA can wait.”

“Well, it can wait, but you just made me lose track of my calculations. Now I have to start over,” Qi grumbled.

“Exactly. So put it down for a bit and take a break, Spacecase. That’s why I’m here.”

“And I don’t suppose you’ll leave unless I comply?”

“Nope!”

Qi groaned, but set his notebook down. “Fine. What do you suggest we do, then?”

“What else?” Mint shrugged. “I haven’t seen you in ages. We catch up.”

------------

Dear Starlight,

Mint decided to visit recently. Apparently he had some time off and thought to come here. Despite all the letters and telegrams he’s been sending, he wanted to come talk to me in person. I assume it’s to reduce the chance of me obscuring the truth when I answer any questions he asks.

I admit…he was right. When I started working on recreating you virtually, he was concerned about how the project would affect my well-being. That I would grow too attached to this artificial version of you.

When I told him this, he just shook his head and told me that he was just glad I managed to survive it and admit my mistakes. Even when he had left, he was still worried. He told some of the other townsfolk to keep supplying me with food and water and other necessities, since he knew I wouldn’t bring myself to do it without coercion. Once again, he was right. I never really paid attention to all the food being left outside my door while I was in the depths of that project. I only had one objective in mind. It hardly mattered if my body wasted away while pursuing it.

All the letters and telegrams were also a form of…insurance, if we want to call it that. Not only did Mint want to know about my well-being, but they acted as a sort of indicator. If I didn’t respond to a telegram, he’d send one the next day. If that happened three times in a row, he would telegraph Mayor Trudy instead and have someone check on me. Same thing for letters, though with a week in between each one instead.

I was surprised to hear this. Mint is far from stupid, but this amount of planning…it’s unusual for him. I asked him why he would go this far.

All he said was, “Why wouldn’t I?”

Now I worry if I’ve taken him for granted all these years.

------------

Qi was staring a hole into his lab’s front door. He’d stood there for what felt like an hour, half of him urging him to walk out, and the other half begging to fall back. Neither could persuade his feet to move.

He made sure to work a little later than usual today, so he’d still be at the research center after dark. Today, he thought, was the day that he would summon the courage to stargaze again. At least, that’s what he thought this morning. He figured that if he could force himself to stay out later, the probability of him cowering away again would be lower, since he would have no excuse to not just go up the stairs to the roof and do it.

…He could always just sleep here tonight…

Qi grit his teeth and furiously shook his head. With both arms, he shoved the doors open as hard as he could, the resulting BANG rattling across the empty street and through his skull. The chilly air and the dark of night greeted him. He stared out a little longer. Then his impulses took hold, propelling him forward into the darkness before he could shrink away. He stiffly walked up the stairs, stumbling and almost tripping in some places.

And finally, he was on the roof. The cold, hard, metal, empty roof. The telescope stood still in the center, keeping its watchful eye on the stars like always. Qi plodded over to his old spot, his legs no longer familiar with the roof’s incline. He sat down with his knees hugged to his chest, trying to let the cool air push the nausea back down.

The familiarity of the scene in front of him made his heart ache. The rock formations blocking the sky in all those particular spots, the moon peeking out from behind the mesa, the side street far below, and of course, the sky, that grand span of darkness dappled with boundless amounts of magnificent, luminous…

“…Starlight…”

------------

Starlight…

It’s still strange, isn’t it? Someone like me calling you that. I never thought I would be one for such saccharine…nonsense. But with you, it all just seemed to happen of its own accord. You made me feel and act in ways I’d scoff at several years ago. I’d get excited at the prospect of a distraction from my work, if only to spend some time with you. I’d never get tired of talking to you. I’d be glad to explain even the most basic scientific concepts to you. You awoke so many new emotions in me.

Even after you’re gone…you’re still doing it.

I always thought

You never

You were always

When I think of the stars

I still

You still

I can’t

Why do I

------------

Starlight,

Yesterday was the Day of Memories. I had to run out to refill my water tank, and I opened the door to find some lanterns left outside. I have no idea who left them there. But they at least had the foresight to just leave them there without a word.

For the first time…I participated in a town festival. Of my own accord. I wonder what you’d say to that. Actually, strictly speaking…I participated in my own way. Separate from everyone else. Your judgment call on whether that counts or not.

I released the lanterns from the rooftop, of course. I waited until I saw the crowd release theirs…hopefully no one noticed mine separate from the rest.

Did you see them

It’s strange. I’ve never felt compelled to do something like this before. But as I watched the lanterns and the stars…the sensation that I felt… I think I have a new yearly routine.

------------

Qi sighed as he started his next diagram. Some ho-hum cattle feeding device for the ranch man. Nothing engaging. Just like the last one. And the one before that. And the last 11 of them.

The pencil fell out of his loose hand, only halfway done with the first line. He stared at the point where the line wobbled and stopped.

…

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Qi jolted back up. What was it with people insisting on knocking on his unlocked door? Can’t they just come in? He huffed another sigh and went to answer it.

He opened the door, letting the hot noontime air in. He found himself looking down at the concerned face of…

“Mayor Trudy?”

------------

Qi stepped off the boat, legs still a bit unsteady from riding on the ocean. It smelled like salt and fish and seaweed. He glanced up at the familiar metallic walls, and around at the other boats in the harbor.

A familiar fishing vessel was docked at port 6.

Looks like they were home already. Qi moved on, handing his paperwork to the immigration officer, a tired-looking woman who probably wasn’t paid very much. She took a brief look and gave his forms a stamp.

“Welcome to Vega 5,” she droned.

------------

It wasn’t far to his parents’ house. They lived close to the harbor. He stood frozen in front of the door, unable to bring himself to knock. He pressed his ear up to the door, faintly hearing some murmurs of conversation. They were probably having dinner now.

He raised his hand up to the door. It didn’t move. As he stared at his knuckles, he felt a sudden urge to run back to the harbor and get the next boat back to the mainland. But he pressed it down and knocked.

Inside, something was shuffled around. Qi felt his stomach churn. After a moment of silence, the knob finally turned.

“Hello, can I help—” It was his mother. As their eyes met, she froze. “Heng?!”

Qi tried to say something. An explanation. An apology. Even just a greeting. But nothing came out.

His mother gave him a once over. “Come in, come in!” She opened the door all the way. “We can talk later,” she murmured, a sad smile on her face.

Qi slowly stepped through the doorway and took off his shoes. He looked around at the familiar wallpaper and all the same pictures on the walls, the simple but homely furniture, all the books that he and his grandpa filled countless shelves with.

“Heng? When did you get here?” His father and his grandpa had suddenly appeared in the doorway leading to the kitchen, staring with just as much shock as his mother did.

“First things first,” his mother said, putting a gentle hand on his back. “Let’s get him dinner.”

“...I…already ate,” Qi lied. “I’d just like to rest now, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh, that’s nonsense,” his grandpa piped up. “It’s only 6. You told us you always have your dinner at 6:30 on Thursdays,” he chuckled.

Qi sighed. “Alright. Fine.”

Everyone sat back down at the table, and a bowl and chopsticks appeared in front of Qi. He blankly took them up and served himself a meager portion. His family, meanwhile, started up their conversation again. Simple, light talk about their days. He could tell they were trying to pique his interest, but still wanted to give him some room to breathe. Never did they ask him anything, or try to rope him in. They let him just listen. He felt a pang in his chest. They knew what he was feeling. And he was grateful.

After slowly making his way through his food, he set his chopsticks down and stood up.

“Finished?” His mother gave him a soft smile.

Qi nodded. “I think I’ll turn in early tonight.”

“Alright. Sleep well.”

“Take it easy, Heng,” his father said.

“Don’t strain yourself,” his grandpa added. “Sleep tight!”

Qi nodded mutely and left the table, hearing the others start talking again, only quieter this time.

He walked upstairs to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. That was all he had energy for.

Right across the hall was his old room. He carefully opened the door. The last time he saw this place was before he left for Sandrock. Everything was still in its place. All his old notes and journals, all his Gungam relic figures, all the books he couldn’t carry with him, all the stains from past experiments. Everything. Coated in a thick layer of dust, but the same nonetheless.

He flopped onto his old bed, which barely fit him now, staring up at the off-white ceiling, dotted with star mappings he drew himself. His eyes grew heavy.

It still smelled like fish.

------------

Starlight,

I’m writing this from Vega 5, believe it or not. The mayor insisted that I “take a vacation” for a week or two. When I refused, she informed me that she told the rest of the townsfolk to not submit any research requests for two weeks. When I continued to refuse, she threatened to suspend my budget allocation unless I used it for paid time off.

I didn’t exactly know where to go, so I went to the only place I could think of. Back to my parents’ house. How did I think of it? I still don’t know. Some irrational instinct, I suppose. Regardless, here I am.

I didn’t tell my family that I was coming. It was so spur of the moment that I didn’t have the time. They haven’t seen me in person for years. And yet…when I showed up and interrupted their dinner…they didn’t ask any questions. They just sat me down at the table and let me rest right afterwards.

After that first night was when they really started talking. Both my parents took a day off from work. Which never happens. With the exception of weekends, they’re always up early in the morning to head out on the water to fish, or to prepare their stand at the market. But that day, they just wanted to stay with me. It almost felt like them staying home to care for me whenever I was ill in elementary school.

We talked for a long time. Meandered around the neighborhood. Visited some familiar places from the past. Not all of our conversation was about me or you or the…circumstances. But when it was, they had nothing but kind words to say. They recalled all the times I had written about you in my correspondence. They knew how much you enriched my life. They would have loved to meet you. And…they’ll always keep my room free whenever spontaneous visits like these would ever occur. Despite not returning to Vega 5 for nearly a decade…they still kept it the same way as it always was. Just in case I would ever show up the same way I did a few days ago.

It felt…a bit overwhelming.

------------

Heng, my little astronaut,

Care to meet me at 10 tonight? You know the place.

Grandpa

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Qi finally climbed the last step, stopping to catch his breath with his hands on his knees. He looked up at the vast night sky above his head. A rare sight to see in Vega 5. He was lucky to grow up so close to the harbor, pretty much the only other place in the city that was completely out in the open. But even so, the smell and the spray and the massive hull of the rest of the city covering one half of the sky didn’t make it anywhere as good as this.

Peach Park. The highest point in the city.

He looked down around the barren terrace. Near the railing overlooking the city below, sitting patiently on a bench and looking out at the sky, was his grandpa.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea to be making this trek all by yourself?” Qi asked as he approached the bench.

His grandpa chuckled. “I’m still fit as ever. The real question is, why is someone as young as you having trouble with it?”

“Not acclimated with it,” Qi grumbled. “I only have to climb one flight of stairs at a time on a daily basis, not fifteen with steep slopes in between.”

His grandpa just laughed, echoing off the metal panels of the terrace. Qi just let out a huff.

Eventually his grandpa fell quiet again, gazing serenely once more at the stars. “Good view of Mars tonight.”

“Indeed.”

Silence.

Qi felt his hand twitch. What was he here for?

“So…” Qi muttered. “Did you…have anything in particular to discuss?”

His grandpa closed his eyes, a soft smile just barely visible in the fading moonlight.

------------

Starlight,

I never met my paternal grandmother. She died shortly before I was born. For as long as I’ve known him, my grandpa has always been a widower. Yet somehow, it never crossed my mind to think of him in that kind of capacity. He was always my mentor more than anything else. My very first research advisor.

He called me up to the highest point in the city, just like all those years ago when he brought me up there and ignited my passion for the sciences. This time, though, there was nothing scientific about what we discussed.

He told me more about my grandmother. I had heard some things about her before, from stories that both my grandpa and my father told me, but hearing about her like this was completely different.

They met in university. Studying different fields, but their mutual hatred of their calculus professor brought them together. They spent so much time together studying at the library, then in cafes and restaurants, then in each other’s dorms and labs, then in the home they shared.

One day, she caught a cold. Then it got worse. Then she developed pneumonia. Then she was gone. And my grandpa was left alone.

And now, his own grandson is going through the same. If either of us were any less scientifically-minded, perhaps we’d call it a curse. An omen, maybe. But it’s neither. Just identical tragedies that happened to two people that happen to be genetically related. That’s all.

That’s…all.

He told me not to let myself get consumed by work as my only way to cope. And this was the part that really got me thinking: he told me that successes from work and the happiness that comes with them are a different kind of happiness than I can get from other people. People like you and Mint and my family. No matter how much work I do, it can never fill the void your passing left behind.

All of a sudden, the stint with the virtual reality relic makes a lot more sense.

At first I misunderstood him. I thought he was trying to get me to completely stop my work. But he quickly corrected me. I can and should work whenever possible. It’s just that it cannot be my only way of responding to the situation.

When you died, I had nothing else I could do. There was no longer anyone in Sandrock I was obligated to. Nothing left…but my work. And work I did.

My grandpa…he made the same mistake, it seems. He would hole himself up in his laboratory for days on end, never returning home unless my father came and dragged him there. The first time that happened, he was infuriated with my father. He had never truly lost his temper with him before, but he exploded, trying to shame him for not caring enough about his own mother. My father was terrified and ran off. But almost the second after he disappeared, my grandpa felt terribly ashamed.

My father returned an hour later, long after his anger had cooled, and my grandpa went along willingly this time. They were silent on the way back, except when my father spoke up to remind him about his future grandchild. I was due in several months.

From then on, whenever my father appeared at his laboratory, he would let himself be dragged away from work, no matter how begrudgingly.

Whenever my parents were away at work, my grandpa took care of me. Even if it meant having to leave me partially unsupervised in a lab full of hazardous tools and chemicals. He shared all of his books with me, no matter how advanced, and would always tell me the definitions of any words I didn’t know. He showed me a relic spacesuit in his lab that was found in Sandrock. When I moved to Sandrock, he gave it to me.

His little astronaut.

He is arguably the reason we met.

And the reason I find myself here.

…I don’t know how I should feel about this.

------------

“You’re sure you’ll be okay?”

Qi looked up from the surf hitting the dock to the worried look on his mother’s face.

“Y—” He froze. “I…I don’t know.”

His grandpa nodded. “It’s normal to feel like that.”

“And it’s okay to never know,” his father chimed in with a warm smile. “You’ll feel okay eventually, whether you know it or not.”

The ferry tooted its horn.

Before Qi could even think, his mother wrapped her arms around his shoulders. His grandpa did the same on his other side, and finally his father pulled all four of them in close together.

“You can always come home, Heng. Don’t forget,” murmured his mother.

Qi could only let out a hum. Anything more and he’d risk the itchy feeling in his nose spilling over.

They all let go eventually. He gave them one last look as he stepped onto the gangway. They were waving with a smile on their faces. Not making too big of a fuss. He gave them one last wave before stepping onto the boat.

He couldn’t bring himself to look back.

------------

Starlight,

Recently, I’ve been wondering about the sociological concept of “home”. I know. Me, thinking about sociology. Utterly daft. But given the circumstances, I hope you’ll forgive some non-scientific studies for just a little bit.

Why do we differentiate a “home” from a “house”? What does a home have that a house does not? To me, both are simply buildings or other dwellings of permanent residence. It seems that a home is a subjective descriptor, one that holds the invoker’s sentiments towards their place of living.

To make matters even more confusing, I see in a lot of literature that people describe other people as their “home”. Most often in their romantic partners, but also their family members (independent of the place they live in) and friends. So is a home a person or place? Or just some nebulous sentiment?

I ask because…I’m trying to figure out what it means in relation to me. Before I left, my parents told me that I could always return “home”. But Vega 5…was it ever my home? Of course, I was born and raised there. My family has always lived there. But I never had any qualms leaving it. Forever, if I had to. When I stepped foot into the city limits for the first time in ages…there was no sense of nostalgia. No urge to move back.

It’d be inaccurate to say that my home was in Sandrock, either. My Research Center was my workplace. The epicenter of all my efforts and achievements. I just happened to reside in the same building. And your workshop was never mine. That was your land. You designed the house yourself. You built all the machines in the yard. I only was fortunate enough to share that space with you, to have my designs be put to use there.

Were you…my home?

Whatever we did, wherever we were…I always felt at ease with you. Safe. Invigorated. Comfortable.

…Where is my home now that you’re gone?

------------

Qi sat back down at his desk. Several townsfolk had already written up some requests for him now that his…sabbatical had ended. He skimmed through them, finding the most interesting one to tackle first. His eyes glazed over as he realized all of them were equally simple and dull.

He sighed and picked one at random. The ranch man demanded another, more powerful cattle feeder. He tossed it aside and grabbed another one. Heidi needed some crane lifts. He shrugged. It would have to do.

------------

Starlight,

Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can really write about this time. I’ve just been catching up with diagram requests ever since I returned from Vega 5. None of them are interesting in the slightest. Maybe next time.

------------

Starlight,

My work is…droll. I’d never thought I’d be saying that about science, but it’s just not the same. My hypothesis: lack of engagement. No one here appreciates the sciences as much as I do. The only people who come close are Fang and Zeke, and I can’t engage either of them for obvious reasons. Everyday I toil away in the Research Center, experiment after experiment, hypothesis to conclusion and all over again. And then I send my results back to someone I can’t see, to a committee of people I’ve never met, and then maybe, just maybe, someone can engage with my work. Over letters and telegrams. It’s like

It’s just like before I met you. You were the only one who I could speak truly to. The only one who ever seemed to see value in my work without hesitation, even if you didn’t fully understand everything. And now you’re not here. Everything’s the same as it once was, all that time ago.

So why does it feel so much more…meaningless? And why does everything from before you came feel so meaningless in retrospect?

------------

Starlight,

Sometimes I see this whole letter-writing exercise as completely useless. A feeble appeal to sentiment, that’s all this is. I talk like a madman to someone who no longer exists. And yet this is considered an acceptable way of dealing with the situation.

You are dead. Your body has long decayed by now and the sands have likely buried your bones already. Everything that consists of you, physically and conceptually, no longer exists. There is no scientific evidence of souls or afterlives or spirits or any of the ridiculous things that humans have made up for the sake of appealing to their emotions and shielding themselves from the truth.

There is nothing after death. Nothing that could be empirically shown, anyway. That is a scientific truth.

So why do I feel so disillusioned by it…? Why do I feel this cloying desire to deny it? Why isn’t there a scientifically plausible way for me to just pretend you’re still here

Why

Why d

I am the most ignorant person to ever exist.

I’m sorry.

Everything that I’ve done ever since you passed away was just to do that. To pretend like you’re still here. With me. Happy.

I suppose articulating my thoughts seems much more unimpressive when compared to trying to recreate you using an artificial intelligence. Easier to write it off as mawkish sentiment. But…it’s all one in the same. Self-indulgence.

…Is that necessarily bad?

I don’t have the answer. I don’t believe I’ll ever have the answer. I don’t have any answers. You aren’t here to help me find them.

…I suppose the only thing I can do now is what I’ve always done: be a scientist. To face the unknown and attempt to illuminate even a fraction of that darkness. To ask questions about everything and to constantly seek answers, no longer how long it takes.

Perhaps one day, I will be able to find the answers I seek. Perhaps not. But no matter what the outcome will be or how arduous the process is, I know that you will be in my thoughts the whole way. You always have been, ever since we met.

And who knows? Perhaps one day, I will be able to write to you and tell you all about my journey. I’ll be sure to brew plenty of tea to last the whole story.

------------

Qi sat on the roof of the research center. He kept his eye out towards the station, seeing the crowd gathering and milling about. The first lights started appearing as they lit their lanterns. He turned back to the lantern in his lap, checking one more time that the envelope on top was secure.

One by one, warm glowing lights rose up into the sky just outside the city. Qi stared at the hypnotic cloud of light as it expanded and twisted up towards the highest heavens.

He grabbed the matchbox and carefully lit the lantern in his hands. The glow from the fire warmed him ever so slightly. He took one last look at the letter, and carefully let the lantern go.

Up and up it rose, a little unsteady with the extra weight, but it never stopped rising.

Qi’s eyes followed it for as long as he could keep track of it, before it became another light in the cloud.

Another star in the sky.

------------

Starlight,

Hello.

Good morning.

Have a productive day.

Be safe.

Does the furnace need servicing?

Do you want some tea?

Read anything interesting?

How was work?

I’m sorry.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

You’re welcome.

Don’t mention it.

Of course.

Don’t touch that sample, please.

Remember to keep hydrated.

Let me show you my latest experiment.

Fascinating.

Wonderful.

Excellent work.

Tell me.

Show me.

You should rest.

Don’t overwork yourself.

You’re very warm.

Are you comfortable?

Good night.

Goodbye.

I love you.

#i got teary eyes writing es hs. this? full on tears #why yes i was inspired by the fourth eva movie thank u for noticinggg #its my birthday today and the best gift you could ever give me is your tears :>#my only regret is that i didn't get to use the idea i had where qi bitchslaps yan #ah well #my time at sandrock #mtas fanfic #shady's fics #mtas qi

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goldkirk · 2 years

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#WHY must I have an instant and full body reaction (plus its downstream effects) the second someone messages me or requests a 1-1 meeting #and then have ADDITIONAL REACTIONS before and/or during and/or after the communication or meeting!!!#my god!!!! calm the fuck down oh my god!!!!!#you have your tea you have your dog you have a screen between you and potential danger you are hydrated you are medicated you are fed #CAN YOU PLEASE CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY #THAT SOMEONE IS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT TO BE VIOLENTLY ANGRY WITH YOU #AT ANY MINUTE OF ANY DAY #MY GOD THE DRAMA #you are creating an entire soap opera in your head in two seconds HAVE YOU CONSIDERED. JUST NOT DOING THAT #HAVE YOU TRIED. BEING COOL ABOUT THINGS. LIKE. ONCE #you do not need to feel sick all the time every work thing #IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO BE FILLED WITH THIS MUCH DREAD #you cannot hold it #either stop MAKING IT or STOP MAKING IT #jesus h christ on a cracker dude #FUCK #i love your attitude you're always so enthusiastic YES I AM TRYING TO KEEP EVERYONE FROM BEING MAD AT ME HELENA IT'S A REFLEX #I ACTUALLY AM FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT FEAR AND DREAD.#[sir patric stewart voice but with tears in my eyes] ACTING!#shh katie

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starikune · 7 months

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Tag Dump Part 3.

#oh royal king‚ i love the way you wear your crown ✧ jesse headcanons #i'm a new soul‚ i came to this strange world ✧ jesse musings #you are a cosmic child; a celestial wonder ✧ jesse aesthetics #still wanna try‚ still believe in good days ✧ jasmine headcanons #i feel like i'm the worst‚ so i always act like i'm the best ✧ jasmine musings #sugar‚ spice‚ and everything nice ✧ jasmine aesthetics #eyes full of dreams‚ heart filled with love ✧ marshall headcanons #why does it feel so good‚ but hurt so bad? ✧ marshall musings #a rugged look of rose gold and stardust ✧ marshall aesthetics #a little context if you care to listen ✧ sofia headcanons #she held an elegant savagery ✧ sofia musings #i'll be the beauty queen in tears ✧ sofia aesthetics #alone in my head; i am content to pretend ✧ xavier headcanons #the empty field around me and my legs pounding along roads ✧ xavier musings #a vision in the morning when the light came through ✧ xavier aesthetics #tag dump

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oatbugs · 2 years

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its okay now im here now its okay now im here now

#wiped off my makeup turned off thr lights started laughing without knowing why then i felt some of the tears inside my eyes force #their way out any way they could . you have a million and one reasons to be afraid . scalpels will restructure your face soon #in the womb of the city you havent seen for a decade in the belly of a country you may never come back from . death is not the fear but the #pain before it is. a month or two of epistomological torture before i am either free or i am not.#you stare at a shattered identity and grab a needle and sew your teeth shut in case this repetition bores anyone.#shattered it all over a boy who wants to shatter a bottle of vodka every time he picks one up，which is quite often.#take to the skies alone for the city of art and canals and cats and tired teenagers and philosophy with a dime and a half.#they had your number and you still care for them and you pressed the button of no return because they wrecked your lungs. they still #have your number. they still have your number. they still have your number. academic values and an unacademic work ethic feels like #the most unfaithful act of all. maybe id like to kiss his collarbones or maybe id like to kiss him because he does what i may #lose everything to do. soon a room full of researchers creating brains from love and flying fingers and letters on a screen #and a beating quartz heart. what you are now is what you would have killed another human being in cold blood for. you stand up and walk out #and you say i am brokenhearted and they surround you before you fall and you would have covered yourself in your #life's worth of blood for this all. but look at me. look at your mind. look at us. remember you and A and all her gold in the kitchen #and remember the way she started crying and there was never a thought of her guards or her jewels or impeccable taste in perfumes.#you looked at her in the eyes and you held her and you said #its okay now . im here now. its okay now.#look at yourself in the eyes again. youre not okay. but im here now. its okay now. im here now. youre here now. were here now. youre not #okay but you live for the summer and spring. im here now. its okay now.#who would you like dead?#tomorrow you will wakeup early to feed her before we buy groceries. who would you like dead?

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foldingfittedsheets · 4 months

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Buckle up for another unhinged story time. Now, as I’ve said before, I used to work at a sex shop. At one point I had three roommates and we all worked the same dildo slinging retail job and lived together. It was extremely sitcom.

Now, as you’d imagine, living with three other people who also talked about sex toys all day created a microcosm of people who were all extremely comfortable around sex toys and related topics. No one left dirty toys laying around but seeing things left in showers or showing off a new purchase was just a Tuesday.

After some life upheavals I ended up living with one of those roommates again, just me and her. For the sake of this story let’s call her Betty. Betty and I shared a two bedroom, and the layout was all the common spaces were an open floor plan and then one hallway formed a T, with my room and bathroom to the left and Betty’s to the right.

Well, one day my cousin calls me up. He’s coming to town for a visit and I offer to put up him, his wife, and their more… sheltered friend. (Unbeknownst to me there was a full Briefing for this girl before she met me so that I didn’t overwhelm her with my blasé attitudes towards- well, most things).

They drove in from two states over and it was a long drive. I had to work and couldn’t greet them or spend the first day together. So I told them to come grab my key so they could all shower off and settle in before me.

I arrived home later that night and found the atmosphere a little awkward at first. Things quickly warmed up and I charmed their friend, impressing my cousin with my immaculate respect for personal comfort levels. We had a lovely evening. By the time we all said goodnight I’d dismissed the initial tension as being tired after a long drive.

The next day we all decided to go to the zoo. I’m a morning shower person, but I let them go first while I made breakfast. After breakfast it was my turn and I hopped in the shower.

Midway through my eyes fixed on it. A little pink sex toy, sitting brazenly on the rim of the tub. Oh no, I thought. This was why things had been awkward yesterday! I left out a personal object because I’d literally forgotten to ever put them away by that point.

What I felt wasn’t embarrassment per se, because that emotion had been utterly eradicated by that point. Rather it was a deep shame that I’d leave out something that might make a guest feel uncomfortable. They told me their friend was sheltered and I had left out a sex toy, it was the epitome of rudeness!

I rejoined everyone and said, “I am so sorry! I didn’t realize I’d left that in the shower, that was so rude of me!”

My guests all exchanged a Look. I looked from my cousin to his wife, she glanced toward their friend, and their friend looked at my cousin. No one would look at me.

“Well…” my cousin finally said, “you didn’t tell us which room was yours yesterday.”

I blinked in confusion, Betty’s room and bathroom were basically just like mine.

“When we got here,” his wife continued, “we went to the other side first. In Betty’s bathroom.”

Reader, Betty’s bathroom.

Had been absolutely covered in dildos. Sex toys of all shapes and sizes covered every flat surface, the tub rim, the sink, the shelves. Wall to wall sex toys. Apparently Betty was doing a spring cleaning and had left her entire extensive collection out to air dry.

These three weary travelers had opened a door to the dildo dimension and had no idea how to react. To this day I have no idea what context clues they used to figure out Betty’s room from mine.

But when I’d come home they were lost in the sex toy shell shock, presumably wondering how they could ever talk about it with someone who felt it was okay to leave out every sex toy they own when expecting company in some kind of bizarre power play.

By the time they finished telling me about this we were all laughing so hard we were in tears.

“When we saw your bathroom with one little pink toy it was so discreet we didn’t even care!” They told me.

After my cousin and his crew had gone on their way I finally told Betty the whole story. She listened with eyes growing wider and wider and finally burst out, “That’s why they were so weird when I got home!!”

#ramblies #funny #story #writing #nsft #ffs foibles

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apollo-zero-one · 3 days

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Listening to stories of people who survived situations like being trapped in collapsed buildings and it kinda sounds like the human response to being trapped in a bad situation is to just keep going back to sleep until death comes. Thinking about depressive avoidant sleeping. Brain doesn't know you aren't trapped under rubble it can't see out of his bone prison brain just knows everything is bad and everything hurts and we can't handle this stress we need to divert all power to life support, night night.

#is that a horrible comparison to make? yeah probably in poor taste given the state of things #do I earnestly believe I am in as traumatic a situation as that? I think my brain is reacting the same way yeah. genuinely.#I think my brain has been in survial mode or death incoming mode for like. since middle school #I think I hit puberty and my brain decided we are dying slowly and painfully and has been reacting accordingly.#I think this year it got much worse tho I think this is when I hit the critical level because this is when I have been sleeping more #I hate that house and my roommates so much that I just sleep whenever I'm there. i don't eat much at home #I try not to drink much so that i don't have to use the bathroom as much and that also minimizes my kitchen trips.... I collect 2 litres of #water each morning. one for me one for my cat. his fountain stays full and I ration my water for myself and on the 4 nights a week I work #I will refill it at work. I am mostly trying to be unseen unheard in that house. Of course the dogs always hear me which is why I am so #careful. I only pass through that house twice a day: once in the morning and once in the evening. Coming and going.#on my days off that means only 2 bathroom trips per 24 hours but you know fucking what I still get bitten by a dog every time.#and wish I had just pissed in a bottle or something because they are jumping on me they are biting me there are tears in my eyes I am biting #my tongue because if I shout or tell them to stop their owner comes and yells at them. And they don't give a shit about being yelled at!!#but me??? Bleeding and anxious and trying not to piss myself?? I don't handle being yelled at well!! even if it isn't directed at me!!#I have RSD!! I used to cry in school when a teacher was chewing out SOMEONE ELSE !! and being SHOUTED genuinely at????#i am not coping well!! i do not feel safe in this house!!! between the actually getting bitten and the yelling!!!#and the yelling is nonstop because these women have issues with each other. bro I'm so fucking glad my dad moved out when he started having #Marital Issues bcos I think I'd have like 85% more childhood trauma if I had to listen to them fighting like this as a kid #shit I'm getting adulthood trauma from these women fighting. oh my god. angie dump your girlfriend for christ sake #and sTOP MOTHERING ME. I MOVED HERE TO GET AWAY FROM MY MOM AND THIS WOMAN IS WORSE THAN MY MOTHER ABOUT THE FUCKING MOTHERING.#Stop telling me what to wear!! Stop telling me what to eat!! Stop asking if I'm seeing anyone!!#this is my own fault I put myself in this situation and I am trying to claw my way back out but it isn't as easy as it was to get in ;-;#I hate myself I hate the decisions I made that got me here

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thefallofruins · 7 months

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MINORS DO NOT INTERACT.

◈Sukuna who doesn't bother to even look at his concubines after he's done fucking them. He expects them to be gone immediately.

◈Sukuna who would love how they cower and tremble in fear and excitement, gaze turned down as they couldn't muster the courage to even look at him, reminding him of how powerful he is.

◈Sukuna who feels just the slightest of tingle in his heart when your pretty, innocent eyes meet his cold ones, and turn back down immediately, making him chuckle.

◈Sukuna who decides you're his favourite that day.

◈Sukuna who loves fucking you, watching you tremble in pleasure are he corrupts you, your innocent eyes looking at him so pleadingly, as if he is your god. Loves to see you covered in his marks, proudly claiming you.

◈Sukuna who hates it when his other concubines make noises. It's annoying, he thinks. But is greedy to hear your soft moans and noises that you make for him. Music to his ears.

◈Sukuna who fucks you till you're in tears, withering under him from pure pleasure, clinging onto his strong arms as you're stuffed full of him, making you squirt over and over on his cock till you can't anymore.

◈Sukuna who eats you out, spending hours between your plush thighs, licking, sucking on your puffy pussy, fucking you dumb with just his tongue, just to hear you moan out his name as he feasts.

◈Sukuna who raises an eyebrow when you gather your kimono and bow, signaling that you're leaving.

"Where do you think you're going?" He says gruffly and demands you to get back in his bed.

◈Sukuna who let's you sleep on his bed beside him, admiring how your lips part as a sweet slumber indulges you, who brushes bothersome strands of hair away from your face and doesn't understand why he does this.

◈Sukuna who let's you sit on his lap, your head resting against his broad chest as you trace the markings on his shoulder with gentleness unknown to him.

◈Sukuna who doesn't remember when he last saw the other concubines.

◈Sukuna who, even months later, doesn't find himself bored of you. Who swears his lips curl whenever he sees you smile. Who wants to see more of it instead.

◈Sukuna who swears he'll have the heads of the concubines who mocked you, bullied you out of envy, telling you that you'd be replaced one day. You never see them again after that day, but do see his the white of his kimono stained red.

◈Sukuna who brushes your tears away with his thumbs, holding you close to him. "My Queen," he says, watching your eyes widen at his words with a huge smirk.

◈Sukuna who captures your lips with his soon after. Who found his precious little Queen and intends keeps her safe at all costs.

#jujutsu sukuna #jjk smut #ruins posts #sukuna smut #sukuna x reader #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujustsu kaisen x reader #sukuna x you #sukuna x y/n #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jjk x y/n #sukuna fluff

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chososdiscordkitten · 2 months

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Baby Fever?!

Synopsis: JJk men/reader have baby fever ≽^•⩊•^≼

Includes: 𝐆𝐨𝐣𝐨, 𝐓𝐨𝐣𝐢, 𝐍𝐚𝐨𝐲𝐚, 𝐆𝐞𝐭𝐨, 𝐍𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐢, 𝐇𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐮𝐦𝐚, 𝐧𝐝 𝐂𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐨 Content: afab!reader, topics of pregnancy, marriage, breeding, and having children. mostly nsfw (sorry anon) (a.n) Jesus my page has been full of baby fever nd marriage recently.

Dedicated to; this ask.

MDNI

Satoru Gojo

Ever since you first became official- Gojo had this little habit of asking to give you a baby. You always shook him off, telling him ‘no’ because it was far too soon and you were too young to start having children.

Birth control became a necessity because of the little need he had to finish inside of you.

On one occasion of him asking the incessant question- you leaned in real close to his ear, “I will impregnate you.” you whispered.

This unlocked a whole other can of worms in Satoru’s mind. The urge to breed you was strong, but that little promise lit a fire in his soul.

But one day, while out on a date- walking down an empty street, a child no older than 7 or 8 ran up to Satoru, Tears staining his cheeks and asking for his mom.

Though you hardly saw Satoru interact with children in your daily life, you could see his demeanor change from a normal playful one to a more serious and authoritative one.

Crouching down to the child’s height and asking where he last saw his mom and his name—all with calm.

You watched the little interaction unfold before you with wide eyes- the thought that Gojo was too immature to be a father completely being thrown from your mind as Satoru stood up straight and held the child’s hand in his. Guiding him back to where the child last saw his mom and reuniting the stressed mom and the crying child.

After that, more and more little instances Satoru did, made you start contemplating his little offer of giving you a child.

Whenever you’d go shopping with him, you’d always pretend to accidentally stumble across the baby aisle.

Gojo perked a brow, watching your eyes admire the little socks attached to the onside in your hands.

Corner of his lip curled up with a soft giggle, stepping over to you and whispering- “You’re actually considering having a kid?” he teased watching you furrow your eyebrows and hang the little onesie back on the rack.

You shoved him with your elbow, scoffing and making a mental note to never bring this up again.

That night, you were scrolling on your phone- watching any video that popped up of a chunky baby with a soft expression.

Satoru was beside you, focused on his phone, but the sound of a child’s laughter made him look over at you with furrowed eyebrows- peeking over to your phone and watching the tiktok you were looking at.

Some video of a mom showing their child’s massive hair bows- he was about to laugh at how silly the baby looked. Only he scanned your expression and got a hint as to why you hadn’t scrolled yet.

Satoru rolled atop you, resting his head on your sternum and urging you to put your phone down.

Holding his head in your hands- “I can give you a baby if you want one so bad~” he teased, causing you to furrow your eyebrows.

Parting your lips with a soft gasp, “Satoru Gojo!” you feigned shock, whispering, “A child out of wedlock? What would the clan think?” you teased, mushing his cheeks together as he rolled his eyes.

Pulling your hands from his cheeks and hoisting himself up- face to face as he placed a hand between your thighs, urging you to open them.

Placing a kiss on your lips with a smile- “I am the clan.” he scoffed smugly.

Toji Zenin

It all started with one little sentence he littered during intercourse, legs bent to your chest, and Toji pounding into you like his life depended on it.

Something along the lines of, “Gonna breed this perfect pussy-” in a low husky tone. It was muttered- like his internal thoughts seeped from his lips without permission.

But the words stayed in your mind- long after you had cleaned off his copious mess from your center. Even as Toji was snoring next to you- you stayed up thinking about the words he had muttered into the air.

They made you squint thinking about the possibility of it. Questions you wish Toji was awake to ask him.

Rare were the times he would sprinkle dirty talk during sex. But the way he said it, it wasn’t meant to be heard as dirty talk. The way it sounded was he spoke it as a proclamation.

The next morning, when Toji woke up to your face pressed against his chest. Feeling your eyes watch him sleep, he woke up asking you what you needed.

“You want to-” air caught in your throat, recalling what he said. “..breed me?” you whispered, looking at his hazy eyes and furrowed brow.

Corner of his lip curled, “Where’d you get that idea?” he scoffed, closing his eyes and pretending not to feel your harsh gaze on his skin.

“From you- you said it last night.”

Toji nodded ‘no’. As though the idea of him saying that was impossible.

“Yes, you did- I heard you.” watching Toji’s smug face nod ‘no’ again.

“You can’t gaslight me Toji- I heard you.” Your determination amused the man- feeling his chest rise in a half laugh against your cheek.

Even a few days after- the thought lingered in your mind. Toji still refused to believe he said it- telling you that you were mistaken.

And then Toji caught onto the feverlike smile you’d get on your cheeks whenever you’d see a baby in public. Smiling to himself as you pinched your eyebrows at the little humans.

But there was this one time- on an elevator with a new mom and a baby in her hands. Toji noticed your staring as the woman struggled to reach into her purse, which caused it to fall and spill her belongings on the ground.

The woman sighed- looking down before peering her eyes back to you- “Could you?” she asked, holding out her baby to you- which you happily took and looked at Toji with the child in your arms.

Toji swore his eye twitched as he watched you- happily bouncing the child in your arms before the woman reached her hands back to her child.

After that, Toji started expressing his urgent need to breed you full of his children during intimacy- to which he still denied he said any of those things.

“Whatever- as long as you don’t become a deadbeat again, I don’t care.” you scoffed, referring to his son he refused to talk about.

Naoya Zenin

While he was dating you- Naoya took a lot of care in ensuring not to get you pregnant. “Children out of wedlock never result in anything good.” he would defend. He told you to start taking birth control- only you laughed in his face and said no.

That if he wanted to have safe sex- he would have to wear a condom. That you wouldn’t alter your body’s hormones just because he doesn’t wanna get you pregnant. And Naoya obliged.

Midway through sex, pulling his ear down to your lips and telling him how much better it would feel without a condom- only for his eyes to shut tight- trying to keep his focus on not cumming, going as far as telling you to shut up. Multiple times, knowing if you didn’t, he might just listen to you.

Though you liked teasing him with the possibility. Asking if he didn’t want to see you barefoot and pregnant, waiting for him at home. Watching his neck pulse with a low gulp just thinking about it.

In truth, you didn’t really want to get pregnant- Naoya had a point in the whole ‘marriage first, then kids.’ thing. You only liked watching his ears turn red and warm whenever you’d try and tempt him with having sex without a condom.

You didn’t think much of it- unknowing of the temptation brewing in Naoya’s mind with every waking day he didn’t marry you.

Every time you whispered a temptation in his ear- the mental image of you waiting for him at home, swelled with his child and the future of his clan—Naoya was hanging on a very thin thread.

And once he finally had the guts to ask you- it took very little time for the wedding to be planned. The thought of children was nowhere near your mind on the day.

A small ceremony with his family, prancing you around like some trophy in front of the elders.

And that night- Naoya held a gentle hand as he undid the little buttons of your wedding dress- carefully unwrapping you from the costly lace.

You found it odd- sure. Naoya wasn’t usually the type to take things slow and gentle in this department.

But when you looked at him, his hips between your knees with your back on the bed. Looking up at Naoya as he undid the buttons of his dress shirt- “We’re not stopping till you’re pregnant.” he huffed, tossing his shirt aside and easing himself onto the bed.

Had you known your little temptations and offers of unprotected sex would cause his brain to rewire the idea of having kids- you still would’ve done it. Maybe with a little more tact though.

Naoya no longer saw it as another responsibility of being head of the clan- he saw it as an opportunity to breed you again- and again. Till you were so full there was no other choice than to get pregnant.

Suguru Geto

All it took was Suguru showing you pictures of him and the two girls he adopted when he left Jujutsu High and telling you countless stories behind the photos for you to look at him differently.

You saw a certain change in the way you looked at him. No longer a father figure to two teenage girls, you saw him as an actual father.

Mouthy and mean as those girls could be, you saw how gentle he was with them anyway. And you knew he could make a phenomenal father.

You chose a tactless form of asking him. Sitting at the table eating breakfast- looking at his soft expression.

“Would you be a dad again?”

Suguru looked at you with furrowed eyebrows- “...Again?” unsure of when the first time he became a father was.

You rolled your eyes, urging him to answer the question with a sigh.

“Depends.” Geto murmured, looking back down to his phone and earning a kick from your socked foot.

You scoffed, “On?”

“If we are stable- money wise, and if the conditions are right.” he grinned, wondering where this topic came from.

Your cheeks tingled in the slightest when he used ‘we’ to refer to becoming parents, answering another question you had.

Suguru thought back to the question again, lightly raising his eyebrows at realizing what you were asking.

“With…You?”

You laughed- “No Suguru- with your next partner.” tone full of sarcasm as he rolled his eyes.

“I would be open..?” he squinted, trying to gauge where you stood on this. Watching your face go unchanged at his response- wanting to hear the truth, not just something that he said catered to your opinion. “...To it?”

You grinned, “Suguru, this isn’t a trick question. Just answer honestly.” assuring him that this was a necessary conversation in a relationship.

He gulped lightly, trying to shake away the worries of saying the wrong thing. Placing his phone on the table and looking at you with his hands between his knees. “I would love-” he grinned, cheeks blushed and avoidant of your gaze. “To have children with you.”

You couldn’t help the shy little laugh that left your lips- “But we are a smidge too young- don’t you think?” you grinned, watching his head nod with a scoffing smile.

“I did the teen dad thing- so maybe a little too young.” he joked-

You nodded agreeingly, looking at him with love filled eyes- “We’ll wait till we are 40.” you grinned, watching his shoulders move in a small giggle.

“Till 50- if we can.”

Kento Nanami

You both had been toying with the idea of children. Small comments like, “Awe Ken-” looking at him with a soft smile. “You would be a wonderful dad.” whenever he talked about the fears of becoming a father.

The talk of kids was spoken early in your relationship. Often were the times when the conversation of how many would come up a few minutes before bed.

Playing with your hand in the dark, lying on your back with Nanami beside you.

“How many?” You asked softly- hearing Nanami hum, close to falling asleep.

A low exhale left his lips; “Two. Maybe three.” His voice husky from how close he was to falling asleep. But he was always happy to answer your questions- knowing they would keep you up if he didn’t answer.

Rolling over onto your side and placing your head on his chest, “Twins?” you asked with a smile. Picturing the future with him as he put his hand onto your back.

Nanami let out a soft exhale with a smile. “Twins are a handful,” he spoke softly, his eyes daring to drift off to sleep as you caressed his torso.

You thought about it- remembering that you would have to carry them. “Okay. No twins.”

Hearing his heartbeat against your ear as you thought of another question.

“When?”

Nanami gruffed a soft laugh, rubbing small circles on your back. “We’d have to be married first.” he mumbled.

“Then wait a year or two.” his voice dwindling its tone as he eased into the exhaustion.

You furrowed your eyebrows, “Why?” softly blinking your eyes.

“A year of blissful marital life before children come into the picture.” Nanami spoke, half asleep, as the tiny part of his brain that filtered his words refused to work.

You grinned, “You wanna marry me?” softly giggling against his chest.

Nanami sighed- pressing his hand onto your back a little firmer, holding you close. “I do. Dunno why I haven’t ask you yet.” his words breathy and bordering on sleeping.

“Should get on that-” he exhaled, hearing his breathing ease into a heavier pattern against your ear.

After that, conversations about children only came up more and more. There was talk of names and if you’d move into a house instead of an apartment.

Slowly your own baby fever stuck onto him- you sending tiktoks of the chunky babies you’d get on your fyp didn’t help either.

The words “Practicing won’t hurt” were uttered whenever you mentioned the word breeding. All too thankful to the iud you had, knowing the apartment would be crawling with children if you didn’t have it.

Hiromi Higuruma

When you started letting Hiromi cum inside- he kinda just assumed that you were on something. Never hesitating to give you what you asked him for.

But Hiromi started getting the hints that you had a particular itch in your brain that only he could scratch.

The topic came up when you joined him for lunch- sitting outside a sandwich shop and hearing Hiromi talk about a case debriefing after this.

Too focused on telling you about it before he realized you had stopped listening.

Eyes looking off to the side and your thumbs twiddling in your lap.

“Honey?” he asked, looking in the direction you were looking and seeing a mother playing with her child. Snapping your gaze back to him-

“Sorry.” Softly exhaling, “Sorry- you were saying?”

Hiromi furrowed his eyebrows, watching your eyes glimmer with a nervous light. Reaching a hand out to yours, “What’s wrong?” he asked- all too intuitive at what the look on your face meant.

“Nothing- it’s okay.” Squeezing his hand assuringly.

Hiromi raised a brow- parting his lips about to speak only for you to interrupt him.

“Do you want kids?” preferring to rip the bandaid off rather than ease into a conversation.

He inhaled again- only for you to speak again. “With me. I mean.”

The corners of his lips curled, almost in a teasing smile.

Hiromi sighed, thinking about the question and looking down to his half-finished sandwich.

“I’ve never been in a relationship serious enough for the talk of children to come up.” he grinned, leaving your question unanswered.

“You’ve never thought about it?” holding his hand tightly. Scared that you were illusioning yourself into a future Hiromi didn’t want.

Hiromi tilted his head- thinking about it.

“I think I do…?”

You pursed your lips, unsatisfied with the half answer. And Hiromi let out a blushed scoff- “If wanting kids meant wanting them with you- i do.” he clarified. Earning for you to look at him with soft eyes and a wiggling pout.

“You mean-?” you pouted, looking at him with a soft expression.

His eyes widened at the sudden severity in your gaze, not knowing how much his confirmation meant to you.

Raising his hand to your lips and pressing a light peck on his knuckles “Can we?”

“...Now?”

You scoffed, “No, not now.” with a soft smile.

Hiromi exhaled, thinking of having an actual child- “How ’bout we focus on getting married first?”

Choso Kamo

Ever since the first time you had sex- Choso always finished inside, no patience nor ability to time his orgasm and pull out in time.

Not recalling the repercussions of unprotected sex- nor really caring.

And when the conversation of children came up- You insisted on giving him an army of children. “I think it’s what you deserve.” To which he looked at you as though something awakened in his mind when you said that.

While on dates, he would see an overly large family struggling to keep the many children in check. He would look at you and remember what you had said.

‘An army of children.’

Between the two of you- he caught babyfever first.

Walking through a strip mall- looking for a new pair of shoes when you passed a baby store.

Choso tugged your hand, looking at you eagerly and leading you into the store. “Just to look,” he said.

Holding onto a tiny pair of shoes, looking at you, and presenting them in his palm. “Are these really meant to fit a child?”

You let out a small giggle, nodding your head yes and watching him prattle around the store.

Asking you questions- as though you had any more idea than he did.

Watching your face uninterested in the window shopping he was doing- “You don’t want to have kids anymore?” furrowed eyebrows and determined to cut the window shopping if you didn’t.

You grinned, “Of course I still want to have kids.” taking his hand and placing it on your tummy as though you were already pregnant.

Eyes wide and cheeks pink as he rested his hand onto your tummy. “You gotta pump a baby in me first.” Smiling at the fact he was already looking for things for a child that hadn’t been conceived yet.

His mind sparked the idea of watching you grow big with his child. Made his eye twitch knowing that if you acted on your promise. That image wouldn’t be just an idea in Choso’s mind.

Marriage didn’t make a difference to him- only a meaningless piece of paper. Like a license, or a ssn number, or money. (he’s in denial)

So the next time you had intercourse- Choso accidentally overstimulated himself. Keeping your words of ‘Pump a baby in me.’ in mind as you allowed him to pump you full of potential children.

You did say an army of them. And Choso was more than happy to assist in creating the small army.

𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭: play fighting with the jjk men!

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screampied · 3 months

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gojo hates whenever you say “bye,” to him.

“heyy. don’t say that. it’s see you later,” he corrects you, pulling you into a tight hug. his embrace was warm, you felt practically squished against him, but you never minded. he’s always loathed goodbyes, especially whenever they came from you…the love of his life, his will to live, his entire being.

it’d be the most random moments, for instance, you being on a phone call with him—you’d conclude your conversation with him before saying that word.

“no—it’s see you later, baby.”

“oh..see you later, ‘toru.”

he’s never told you why flat out why he isn’t fond of the word ‘bye’ so, you never questioned it. not once. you figured it was just another one of his personal dislikes, which was an entire list if you were being honest. the word had simply little to no meaning, yet to him it meant so much more. you find yourself sometimes pondering, wondering how a small three lettered word would hold so much meaning…

furthermore, you wouldn’t expect to find out so soon.

it’s always ‘goodbye’ or ‘bye’ and never ‘see you later’ until gojo’s laid in your arms.

clinging onto his last breaths, a hand squeezing onto yours as if he didn’t want to let go.

myriads of droplets of your own pathetic tears fell against his pale frigid skin.

your mind couldn’t fathom nor process how him. the satoru gojo, the strongest, manage to lose. not only lose his battle but lose the one and only love of his life.

“g—goodbye, baby.”

“don’t you mean see you later?” you corrected him, furrowing your eyebrows while bringing a thumb towards his cheek to lightly stroke it.

oh . . he always loved that tiny gesture, it always calmed him, soothed him, makes him think that everything would be okay.

your voice broke the more you spoke as you watched him succumb into a pure new world of peace, pure bliss.

even in final moments, he’s still got that dumb beaming grin of his. you sniffled, feeling the scorching heat reside in your heart.

you were desperate for him to stay before he struggles to bring your hand up to his lips, giving it a chaste kiss before whispering,

“i . . i know, but it’s different this time. just say it for me, one more time,” and his eyes that was once so full of life. “please.”

they looked different.

demoralized, defeated…

“. . . goodbye, satoru. i love you.”

you awaited for him to say it back, he’s always said it back, he’s even beat you to it. but like always, gojo was right.

you were too late, far too late with your timing that before you knew it . . .

he was already gone.

all thanks to your goodbye.

#★vegasbaby.#gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo satoru x you #gojo satoru x reader #gojou satoru x reader #gojou satoru x you #gojo angst #jjk angst #satoru gojo x reader #gojo x y/n #jjk fic #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jujustsu kaisen x reader #jjk x you #jjk drabbles #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen angst

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mommypieck · 4 months

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⌗︙・geto promising to fuck you soft ⸜⸜・

geto is a cute little manipulator. he promises you to fuck you sofly vut when he finally gets you in his bed, he fucks your guts out.

"so good." he moans, ramming into your pussy with all he has. your bralette isn't good at hiding your boobs and that's exactly what geto doesn't want. he rips the bralette from your body, leaving you bare in front of him. he just thinks you are so beautiful. you dressed up just for him, just so he can breed your pretty pussy.

"too rough." you choke out. he's drilling into you with all he has and he doesn't even give you time to catch break. suguru promised he's gonna fuck you slowly so you can savour every moment, but you should've known from the first look. he's a player, but he has a sweet spot for you. and of course that doesn't mean he's gonna be gentle with you.

"are you gonna cum, sweetheart?" he asks you. he's confident and he knows he's gonna make you squirt. he's never had a girl like you squirt on his cock. usually only whores squirt on him, but you are his favorite nerdy girl.

you don't even have time to answer before that knot in your stomach opens up and you cum all around him. your cream drips down his cock while you squirt covers his lower half. he needs to keep going. he needs to fuck you thru your orgasm.

tears fill your eyes when he starts fucking you again, it's too much for your body. suguru has one plan now and that is to cum right inside of you. that's why he edges himself so he can cum more. he groans, filling you up with his cum. you're surprised at how much he releases as he continues cumming and cumming. finally, a last drop falls into your womb.

"look at your tummy, sweetheart. you're gonna look so full."

"i am gonna look full, i look full now already. what does it mean?" you ask him with confusion written all around your face.

"nothing, don't worry about it."

#jujutsu kaisen smut #jjk x reader #jjk smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #geto suguru smut #geto suguru x you #geto suguru x reader #geto suguru x y/n

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slvttyplum · 3 months

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choso definitely cries when he cums, and not in the way everyone is thinking.

he’ll be so close to his climax he could taste it, sweat dripping of his forehead, his breathing so heavy he could barely breathe and your pussy gripping around him tight.

the overstimulation rushes through his body and to his eyes and once he releases tears will rush out.

dropping his head in between the crook of your neck so you won’t see him cry, and spilling out how much he loves you.

he only cried with you, he doesn’t know how or why it happens it just does.

a man who can’t handle his overwhelming amount of pleasure? that’s sexy

sometimes he won’t full out cry, just a little tear here and there dripping from his eyes but you just think it’s sweat.

when he thinks back on all the times he’s cum and cried, there’s a thought maybe it was tears of joy, there’s literally no other explanation.

but then his orgasms started to get more intense, crying out and telling you to stop bouncing on him because of how sensitive he was.

his pleads fell upon deaf ears and you continued, only for him to only cum inside you but tears rolling down his face.

the sight was something that aroused you, his cheeks flushed and the wet tears streaming down his face did something to you.

that’s besides the point though.

when he wasn’t grunting and moaning, he was crying and telling you how perfect you were and how you made him feel good.

#jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk x reader #jjk x you #jujustsu kaisen x reader #x reader #choso #jujutsu choso #choso x you #choso smut #choso x y/n #choso kamo #choso x reader #jjk choso #jujutsu kaisen choso

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ajdrawshq · 5 months

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before starting yume nikki i found out that in stars and time has a demo n ive been seeing it around lately so might as well try it and. i might have fallen in love with it immediately. especially siffrin...... absolute top tier protagonist right here i just Know

#everything from their design (SO shaped....) to their silly attitude is vv charming #n that one bit where theyre just like hell yeah i love just existing next to my friends without saying anything. theyre just like me fr fr #i like the others too tho !!!!!! especially mirabelle shes so neat :3 #i need to buy the full game now or it will be the end of me #the 'memory' option mildly terrifies me. what is that supposed to imply for later things ..........#ok im not done talking abt siffrin i just cant believe how like. theyre so many things i love in characters ESPECIALLY playable ones like #theyre basically like. all of the things i enjoy abt therion minus the initial Trauma. tho im pretty sure theyre abt to go thru some shit #since. this is a time loop game #although they seem to be missing an eye already so who knows !!!#theyre also not from the area we start out in compared to Mirabelle and Bonnie and i think Isabeau?? which is interesting #Odile also isnt but she has a confirmed home place #i apologize in advance i just know siffrin is a future blorbo i can feel it .#why did he just nya . as a reflex when hitting a table.#i like how everyone seems to have different nicknames for each other #oh my god are they gonna abuse the time loops to make this one (1) joke hit better. ohhhh my god #im in tears #yippee first death !!!!!!!#NCJSKHS??????#no yeaj i love this game and siffrin actually. holy shit. 'okay youre over it now' ok yay 💕#'you got a memory of looping! youll always remember this.' WELL. OKAY (FEAR)#siffrin trying to talk to people right after jumping back in time is just how i do conversations normally #HIM USING TIME LOOPS TO HAVE BETTER REPONSES HE FUCKED UP BEFORE. REALIST SHIT EVER #oooooo it keeps siffrins level ups but not the rest.. very good attention to detail very good #does that mean siffrin can get like. ridiculously busted compared to everyone else #YOU CAN SIT ON STOOLS !!!!!!!!!#oh i was wrong abt isabeau hes not from here either. city boy...#oh i hit the end of the demo . buying this later or ill explode #isat #ok. yume nikki time !

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tteokdoroki · 4 months

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jock bf yuuji who’s tongue lolls out of his mouth when he feels u cum on his dick and then he ends up cumming when you suck on his tongue as it hangs out of his mouth <3 he’s a big manhandler and so unbelievably strong, has def broken the weak frame of your dorm bed at least once <3 loves sleeping over and then waking up to you in the early morning light, eats you out then has you ride him and you’re both thinking about it for the rest of the day <3 yuuji sends you the riskiest texts too, texts you that he can’t stop thinking about how good you looked when you sucked him off the night before and now you’re distracted in the library <3

ִ ࣪𖤐๋࣭ — JOCK BF!YUUJI ENTRY #6. pleasure prioritised.

about. just some scenarios of an incredibly strong jock boyfriend pleasing his girlfriend in different ways. thank you nonnie for driving me up the wall with this!!! ( 1K )

warnings. minors, blank and ageless blogs do not interact. nsfw, smut, college!au, characters aged up to 20s, creampies, messy makeouts, breaking the bed, strength!kink, unprotected sex, oral sex (f + m!receiving), jock bf!yuuji, weird + fem!reader.

everybody knows that yuuji itadori is strong, he wouldn’t be the star athlete in the soccer team if that wasn’t the case.

with muscles that ripple when he moves, thick thighs that spread wide and flex on instinct and dark eyes that shine like gold while pulling you in — it’s no wonder why half of the campus wants a piece of him. luckily enough, yuuji itadori only wants to give himself to you.

yuuji only uses the full extent of strength when he devotes his body to pleasing you. when it’s lights out at your dorm go out, and the common spaces are vacant while your roommates party the night away and all that remains is a man who loves his girlfriend with all of his entirety. and a girl who loves him all too much, right back. he pins you to the bed, pelvis to pelvis as yuuji uses all of his might to pound into you.

his thrusts are usually heavy, but thoughtful and with meaning — designed to make you see bright, shining stars behind your eyelids and pull an angels song from between your lips. itadori doesn’t just fuck you — his sweet girlfriend, his everything, his purpose. he makes love to you, makes the bed rock while his sticky tip stays tacked to your g-spot and safe, comforting brown his eyes stay locked on yours, reminding you of how much you are loved as you tremble and quake beneath him.

there’s often a dull thump to the wall from where the force of yuuji’s hips drive the headboard into it. only you ever have the power to make your man that feral, have him drooling like a dog with its tongue in the wind whenever he has the chance to sink into your tight heat. it’s the way your snug little pussy ripples around the giant jock’s fat girth, his tummy smooshed up against your puffy clit does nothing to help him either. the more ecstasy he gives you, the more you clench down on your boyfriend and the further his eyes disappear into his skull.

itadori just loves being inside of you, tucking his thriving dick away inside your velveteen walls, hearing your pussy suction around you and your cheap dorm mattress squeak in harmony with your hiccuped moans. yuuji, yuuji, yuuji. his name on your kiss swollen and tear glossed lips is enough for the pink haired man to break the bed from how hard and deep he thrusts into you. even when it does collapse in on itself, yuuji doesn’t dare stop until you’re cumming in sweet streams around him — painting his toned stomach and washboard abs in your arousal before he fills you up with his own thick white.

he usually cums with his drooling tongue in your mouth and an arm wrapped around your head, keeping you tucked underneath while he grinds his hips through your shared highs. sometimes salacious laments and high-pitched whines manage to slip through the cracks — which mean noise complaints from the Dean of your dorm and a call to maintenance in the morning to fix your destroyed bed (and walls).

mornings are no different (once your bed is fixed), yuuji itadori always fails to keep his hands to himself and if he’s lucky enough to stay the night — he uses those very same greedy and large hands to pleasure you all throughout sunrise. you wake up to find fingers on the swollen little nub tucked between your puffy pussy lips and his eager tongue swiping over the eight of your slit to catch any of your juices before they’re wasted on cheaply made college-friendly sheets.

it’s a sight to behold, the way you arch your back from the bed and your thighs quiver either side of a head full of bright pink hair that tickles their insides. you can’t help but tug on the soft tufts — dragging yuuji further into your creamy cunt while accidentally kicking plushies galore from their place amongst your pillows and blankets. itadori remains a messy eater, slurping on your succulent folds, running laps over every inch of the heat between your glorious thighs.

except you don’t get to cum on his mouth or his tongue on mornings like this — instead yuuji likes to really show off his strength. he likes you in his lap and seated on the swell of his fat, oozing girth. he adores plugging you full, watching you writhe above him for something, anything. any type of thrust or friction. yuuji can’t help himself, he’s always dying to grope the globes of your ass when you’re riding him, using the strength in his arms to hold over his bright red ans milky tip before pumping himself all the way into you in one calculated thrust upwards.

both of you cum before either of your alarms go off, messy as always but content. you’re happy with yuuji and he’s always so happy to please you — it’s the least he could do for his precious girl.

itadori always leaves you with a limp throughout the rest of your day — a comfortable pain in the base of your spine that reminds you of how deep he’d gone. there’s a dampness to your underwear during your classes too, reminding you of how much hot, oozing seed the jock had filled you up with. ‘keep it there,’ the pink haired soccer player tends to ask with those guilt-tripping puppy dog eyes of his. ‘want you walking around with my cum dripping down your thigh, so that everyone knows who you belong to.’

you often wonder what the campus would think if they knew how debauched their star player really was.

they’d have a field day if they saw the texts yuuji sent you while wiping the floor with his teammates during practices. pictures of his erection in the changing room mirrors and maybe some of your pretty face while he had you cumming on just his tip. sometimes paragraphs detailing how he was going to ruin your pussy, make you see god or even reach cloud nine. some tell you how much itadori misses your plush lips wrapped around him as he cums down your throat.

but no matter what way you look at it, your jock boyfriend yuuji itadori always has your pleasure prioritised at the forefront of his mind. he’d use whatever part of his body, whatever strength he has to keep you satisfied. all alongside his insatiable appetite for you and only you.

#itadori smut #yuuji itadori smut #yuuji itadori x reader #itadori x reader #jjk smut #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk thirsts #jujutsu kaisen thirst #itadori x you #⋆｡°✩ — jock bf!yuuji #✧ ₊˚੭ — writing #tteokdoroki #✧ ₊˚✉️੭ — new notification #✧ ₊˚💬੭ — unknown messenger #ghostqueues #angelshubnetwork

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