#10am no sleep drawing session does that to you | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lucero-is-here · 10 months

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HEADCANONS- WHOO- I’m excited for this one! Requested byyyyy:

AND PRESENTING MARINA! (Also adding her appearance from season 6)

LET’S GO!

- Marina spends little time on her make up. She’s kind of naturally pretty in a way? She just applies her lipstick, eyeshadow and mascara.

- Marina has a pair of black gloves she loves, but only wears them sometimes.

- Marina wrote a book once, but only got it published a year after she wrote it. It trended quickly. And yes it was a book talking about psychology and everything.

- Marina likes flowers. What kind of flowers? All flowers. She just likes flowers. (Peonies are her favourite)

- Marina has some earrings. Most of them are gold plated or gold. Her earrings range from simple studs to hoops to more intricate designs.

- Marina does pilates. She likes it a lot.

- Marina can play two musical instruments! The violin and piano. Between which one she likes more, she goes to the violin. She thinks it’s easier to bring around (obviously), and she’s been playing the violin for a longer time.

- Marina keeps a journal where she keeps tabs of her emotions and how her day has been, and makes sure she is her best state of mind before going to work. She uses the journal to possibly check on her mental well being and what she can do to feel better if there are any days where she feels upset or down.

- Marina likes to draw im her free time. She makes these abstract drawings based on how she’s feeling and the things around her, and sometimes they look beautiful! Other times they look a little disturbing…

- Marina does breathing exercises to keep a cool head.

- Marina has a pet betta fish. She calls him Lilac, and he hangs around his tank in her office.

- Marina listens to classical music. Usually in her office, her radio is playing classical music.

- if you have a therapy session with her, she’ll prepare you a cup of tea and probably some snacks.

- Marina has warm and soft hands. Her fingers are slender too.

- Marina’s shoes include heels and boots. She usually goes with boots, because they are easier to walk in. Heels are for classy events.

- Marina has a lot of different hairstyles. She sometimes ties her hair into a pony tail, a bun, or a braid. She has a lot of hair styles, but she usually stays with her usual hairstyle where she lets her hair down. She prefers it that way.

- Marina prefers salty food over sweet food. Yes she likes desserts and sweets, but when she eats too many, her throat begins to hurt. She rather go eat something salty then eat sweet food a lot.

- Marina can wake up really early. At around 7am you can find her awake. The latest she woke up once was 10am somehow. That was with an alarm. Without an alarm, she slept in to 12pm once.

- on days when Marina has work, she gets at least 7 hours of sleep. When she has no work, she gets at most 7 hours. She pulled all-nights before and she will do it again.

- her favourite snack is cookies. Butter cookies especially.

- bisexual

- she’s an ambivert. She has times where she needs to be alone and times where she need company.

- She watches movies with Jonah sometimes, and she always focuses on how the characters act. At the end of the movie, she starts telling Jonah all about it and Jonah just listens to her.

- Marina is kind of flexible. She isn’t the most flexible, but she is flexible

- Marina paints Jonah’s nails sometimes. She finds it funny when he walks around with pink nails (yeah she painted his nails pink one time)

- Marina makes those friendship bracelets that have really complicated designs. She makes a lot of them and gives them to the bureau.

- Marina is good friends with Carmen. They talk in their free time, and hang out. They even have sleepovers every now and then.

- Marina is really worried for Elliot, and always trues to check in on him. He accepted therapy from Marina once and only once. Marina is still trying to give him therapy a second time.

- Marina reads a lot. She reads fairytales or just stories…She read Alice in wonderland a couple times, even though it made her head hurt a little and she was often confused by it. She also reads novels so-

- She has cursive hand writing, but it’s clear enough that you can read it easily.

- Marina likes to sew and crochet. She finds them enjoyable. She crocheted hats for the entire bureau once!

- Gets cold easily. During winter she’s always huddled in a good deal of warm clothes or blankets to keep warm.

- she makes hor chocolate and it’s the best hot chocolate you will ever taste-

- She really really likes kids, and will do anything in her power to keep them safe and make sure they are okay.

- she doesn’t have a favourite colour. She thinks all colours are lovely!

- when she’s buying clothes, she searches for what’s the most comfortable, and what’s both comfortable and pretty. She always gets something that’s pretty and comfortable. If it’s just pretty…She will consider it, but most of the time she drops it.

- she has a small first aid kit in her bag just in case someone needs a bandage or ointment.

- she likes bunnies. She thinks they are absolutely adorable.

This is it for now! Might be part 2 so stay tuned <3

#criminal case #headcanons #marina romanova

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saturnsummer · 3 years

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sweet love

They say drunk words are your sober thoughts. Joon Hwi clearly had too many thoughts.

prompted by an anon from this question here! thanks anon!!

notes: hello! back with another fic, this time when joonhwi gets too drunk and spills more than he expects. stay till the end though, i added a little bonus as usual. editing, grammar and other mistakes will be taken responsible by me! thank you all for your love and support as always! i’ll see you for more next time!

original prompt: I love your fic 🥰 this is so far from canon but a drunk joonhwi being clingy towards sol a is one of my dream scenarios 😚 or the squad catching solhwi being clingy with each other because they were hiding their relationship

words: 3414 words

Joon Hwi was beyond excited everyday when he woke up for school. No, he wasn't excited to get the top grade, neither was he excited to get his essays and reports done. Though he loves the law, he’s sane enough to not love it that much.

Of course, he’s just excited about meeting his girlfriend, Kang Sol.

He never knew how they got together. It was a natural thing, after all. After the whole fiasco with Assemblyman Ko, their relationship suddenly felt a lot closer. They were close to begin with, with their daily studying and lunches and dinners. But something was different after the middle of their second year.

It started out as dinners every night, with or without the study group. Then Sol would be in study group sessions wearing his sweater or hoodies. When Yeseul or Yebeom teased, Sol would always argue to say that it was cold in their copy room and Joon Hwi was just being nice. Joon Hwi would just pretend that ‘sharing sweaters were normal’.

Then one day, as Joon Hwi sent Sol back home to take care of Byeol, they sat side by side in silence. Sol was desperately in need of catching up on her sleep, so the forty minute bus ride served as a quick nap for her. She turned her head to lean on Joon Hwi’s shoulder, resting her head there for her nap. To make things more comfortable, he placed his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

When they were nearing their stop, Joon Hwi instinctively shook a sleepy Sol up and held her hand as he dragged her out so she wouldn’t miss the stop. Sol doesn’t let go, and neither does Joon Hwi. Only when they reach the start of the alley do they let go of their hands. (Sol insists it’s because she doesn’t want Byeol to know. Joon Hwi thinks it’s because she’s shy.)

When Joon Hwi is at her front door with Sol, they shyly look at each other, the feelings mutual and conveyed with just their eyes. Of course, they are soulmates. They don't need the words to deliver their entire hearts or feelings.

It was always made known from the start to Joon Hwi that Sol was special to him. He has never met someone so persistent, so passionate and so damm beautiful. He had a couple of flings, being the popular smart boy in school, but none of the girls made his heart beat the same way Sol did. None of them made his world stop.

It has been a year since. And things weren’t easy when you tried to hide it. Sol, a student on a scholarship, had better luck being chosen to attend this school than the number of times the couple almost got caught.

In school, they acted normally as classmates and friends. Their study group sensed something different, but they would just deny and pretend. They put on a pretty good act, if they were to say so themselves, having Bokgi convinced that they needed to find Sol a blind date. (Joon Hwi would have spat his water at him like how Professor Yang did at Prosecutor Jin, but he held it in. Five months of hiding couldn’t be wasted now.)

They wanted to tell their friends, they really did. But they wanted to do it after their bar exams. After the weight of the bar has been lifted off will they share their good news. But while hiding a relationship is hard, making time for one was harder. (Arguably, Joon Hwi finds this harder than any exam he took.)

They absolutely found every minute they could to be together. Every hidden staircase was a spot they tried to spend a few minutes to themselves, but even that was difficult. Joon Hwi would remember how Sol would lead him to a hidden staircase far from their hideout, so as to not get walked in by either the professors or their friends. Even in the midst of Joon Hwi pressing Sol against the wall, as they devoured each other’s lips after a whole day of being unable to kiss, they would be interrupted by the sudden doors of the staircase upstairs opening, causing them to fly apart and run out.

The gossip the school carried was insane, and the last thing they wanted was gossip to reach their friends.

They could spend longer moments in the study room in the middle of the nights where they would be alone, as they worked on their cases and work. Occasionally, they shared bunggeoppangs and hotteoks, where they had long kisses tasting of sweet red bean and honey. But too many times Sol found herself shifting from her seat next to Joon Hwi to climbing on top of his lap in a make-out session, as Joon Hwi reached up to remove the highlighter holding her hair. Just as they wanted more, a sudden noise would bring them to attention and frantically, Sol would fall back onto her chair, both of their faces flushed red.

It was just four more months till the graduation ceremony came.

Till the world knows Sol was Joon Hwi’s.

-----

The bar exam went smoothly, as everyone received their results of passing. As a celebration, the boys decided to drink and have a meal apart from their usual delivery. No, it was time for the real deal of barbecues, meat and stews. They decided to even give a call to Seungjae, who graciously accepted their offer despite being so busy with his new son in his life. The study group has met his kid a couple of times, and even babysat a few hours together.

The boys met at a relatively near barbecue place in the heart of Dongdaemun, a location that the boys could easily return back to the dorms and not too far away. They were at an all-you-could-eat place, suitable for their budget so that they didn’t burn a hole in their pockets. Seungjae offered to treat his dongsaengs. After all, passing the bar was no easy feat. But they declined. His presence with them was enough of a gift from him to them.

But what was a dinner without the star, soju?

Joon Hwi prided himself on holding his liquor well. He could easily have a bottle without feeling the buzz. He could have a second without difficulty as well. Surely, he won’t be drunk, right?

Oh, but how wrong he was.

The bottles of soju and beers kept coming, never ending, as BokGi and Yebeom pushed shot after shot to him and themselves. They were surely prepared to get hammered tomorrow and show up to their 10am lecture spinning. Seungjae, having driven, only watched and smiled as he looked at his dongsaengs drink, sipping on his cola.

“Hyung, you sure you don’t have anything on with Sol-A noona? You know, we catch you with her all the time.” Bokgi asks, his face slightly flushed and words a little slurred. Yebeom nods his head, nodding his head in agreement. Joon Hwi only lets himself smile, not saying anything as he shoots back an additional shot of soju.

“Wah, hyung! So you admit it?” Yebeom says, setting down his chopsticks. Jiho stops chewing on his ssam, and looks next to him at Joon Hwi, who just shrugs, a mysterious smile on his face. Seungjae only places more meat on Joon Hwi’s plate.

With a short glance, Yebeom, Jiho and Bokgi’s eyes met. It was long enough for them to get what they were trying to say, but yet short enough for Joon Hwi to not notice the silence.

They weren’t blind to Joon Hwi’s actions. They noticed how Joon Hwi would look at Sol when she’s practicing for a mock trial, and his gentle voice when he would point out things she missed. Jiho, for one, noticed how Joon Hwi would return to the dorm later or look at his phone, smiling like an idiot. When asked, Joon Hwi would either use the excuse that he went out to the city or he was looking at cat videos, which bore Jiho.

But tonight, they were not leaving this place until he spilled his secret.

“Excuse me! Can we get three more portions of samgyeopsal, one more moksal, one dwangjang jjigae, and three more bottles of soju please?” Bokgi politely shouted to the store helper, who readily nodded.

“One more rice, please!” Yebeom added.

And so, with every portion of food, they shot back shot after shot as they feasted on their fresh juicy grilled pork and stew. They were glad that Joon Hwi was slowly slurring his words, because they themselves were barely hanging on.

“Hyung, you can be honest, you know. We won’t say anything about your private life with noona.” Yebeom says, fighting off the buzz and taking a big gulp of water. Joon Hwi, now face flushed bright red, only let out another smile as he laid back on his chair.

“Ah, Sol...” He murmured out loud.

“You know, she’s really touchy when she’s drunk? She likes to cling on to people when she’s drunk. When she’s angry, she pushes people away instead.” The words come tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself. No, this wasn’t Joon Hwi. This was drunk Joon Hwi. The other three immediately perked up hearing this.

“A-Ah, really? How do you know that?” Yebeom prompted, determined to draw out more information.

“Remember the time we were late to Dean Oh’s lecture? We drank that night with Yeseul and Bokgi. She couldn’t stop clinging onto my hoodie after both of them went back. And the other time when she pushed me away after her first year results were out.” Joon Hwi says, the stupid smile still on his face.

“How cute.” He quietly says, eyes closed.

There wasn't a need to know further that their hyung, Han Joon Hwi, had feelings for Kang Sol, the feisty noona.

“Hyung, then why not date her?” Bokgi says, the news keeping him at the end of his seat. Jiho merely sits, ears wide open and ready for any information.

“Date?” Joon Hwi says and lets out a light unmistakable giggle. Oh, he really was drunk now.

“We already are.”

The trio exchange knowing eyes, knowing how their objectives for the night have been accomplished. Seungjae, from the end of the table, merely shakes his head with a smile.

“Hyung, did you know?” Jiho asks. Seungjae nodded.

“They told me. After all, I am no longer a student.” This earned groans from the trio, calling it unfair.

“I miss Sol...” Joon Hwi murmurs, as his drunken state reaches for another shot of soju. Instinctively, Jiho reaches it first and shoves a glass of water in his hand instead. If anything, he was sleeping with this man in the same room. And he was not having his drunken state continue further. After all, they completed their mission for the night.

All that mattered was remembering it the next day.

-----

Sol was in the midst of folding her clothes before her phone rang, distracting her from her music that she had on with her ear pieces. Irritated, she picked up her phone, not bothering to look at the caller ID.

“Hello?”

“Sol-A? It’s oppa.”

“Seungjae-oppa? Why are you calling so late? Is anything the matter?” She asks, alerted by the sudden call. It was almost midnight, and it was rare for Seungjae to call.

“Ah, no. Nothing is wrong. I’m just at the lobby of the school at the Lady Justice statue with a very drunk Joon Hwi and the rest of the boys. I can’t bring them up myself, especially since I can’t enter the dorms anymore.” Seungjae explains. In the back, Sol can hear a noisy Bokgi and Jiho telling him to shut up.

“Give me five minutes.” She says and hangs up. The urgency in Sol’s voice drew the attention of Sol B, who was ready to get to bed. Sol B only looks at Sol for a moment and Sol just gives a sympathetic smile.

“Could... Could you come with me?” Sol asks nervously. Sol B looks at Sol for a moment before she throws a hoodie on and throws another hoodie to Sol. The last thing they needed was them to be recognised. Seungjae was where he said he would be, with indeed, four grown men, sprawled on the couches. Bokgi, Yebeom and Jiho were at least conscious enough to greet both Sols, but Joon Hwi just had his eyes shut, murmuring incorrigible things.

“Sorry you had to deal with them, oppa. They really owe you a big apology.” Sol apologises for the sake of her boyfriend, and his friends. Seungjae only shakes his head.

“They should enjoy this before they step into the workforce and can’t experience it anymore.” He gives a smile. “Joon Hwi got a little carried away. He might have spilled your relationship.” Sol B was not standing far as she forced Bokgi and the rest upright, but she could clearly hear it.

“I’ll settle it. You should go home now, don’t keep Juyoung-unnie waiting. I’ll get them to their rooms.” She said before making her quick goodbye to Seungjae.

Together, both Sols pushed Bokgi and Yebeom up to their room, half guiding and half carrying the heavy boys to their door. When they were back downstairs, Sol B instinctively grabbed Jiho by his arm and pulled him up.

“Sol B, about what-” Sol was cut off by her roommate.

“I know. Don’t tell anyone yet. But, you know you suck at hiding and lying, don't you?” She says, her head turned back, before turning back to help Jiho back to his room. Sol does all she can to suppress her smile. Even though her roommate is harsh, she could feel the love. Turning around, she faces her drunk boyfriend.

“Joon. Joon Hwi.” Sol shakes gently. Joon Hwi’s lips curl up slightly, as his arms reach up to wrap them around the familiar body he missed. Sol was clingy when she was drunk, but it was the pot calling the kettle black for Joon Hwi. If possible, he was even clingier.

“You need to go up to your room.” She says as she fights away his loose grip and half supports his drunk body to his room.

“I missed you, Sol...” He murmurs, a face turning into a pout. “You know I kept telling them how good a girlfriend you are? How you always got me coffees and made extra ramyeons.”

“And you also told them we are dating?”

“Of course! I want the whole world to know I love you!” Joon Hwi says a little loudly, and she clamps his mouth shut. Oh, he was definitely more than drunk. Joon Hwi’s arms clung onto her waist as she reached his door.

“Go. You can face the mess you made in the morning.” She says. Joon Hwi clings onto her, giving her a sad pout.

“No more goodnight kisses?” He asked, a voice like a child. His eyes were big and round, his mouth downturned slightly like a pout.

Sol couldn’t deny him one, especially when he looked so adorable. Looking around, she made sure the coast was clear before she reached up to let her lips meet his soft ones. He tasted like lingering alcohol and she could taste it, but she couldn’t help but want more of his intoxicating lips on hers. But not today.

Pulling away, he let out a slight whine. But Sol gave him a quick peck.

“You’ll get more, when you get up.” And Sol pushes him into the room, leaving back to her own dorm, knowing that she’ll be faced with a big headache the next morning.

-----

When Joon Hwi is up the next morning, he’s greeted with a Jiho who rubs his eyes and holds his head in his hand. Joon Hwi isn’t sure if he’s spinning or the room is. Or if it is spinning in the first place. Jiho notices he’s up and grunts a good morning, before getting up to get ready.

The memories of last night come back to Joon Hwi in waves as the pieces start slowly fixing themselves together throughout the morning. By the time he’s at his first lecture, his memories have more or less come back.

He’s certain that Sol would be mad. He makes a mental note to send Seungjae an apology and thank you message. Then, he starts making plans to bribe the trio. He knows about Yebeom’s love for candy, so he starts with that. He just needs to think of what brand of sneakers to get for Bokgi. Heck, would bribes even work against them?

But throughout the morning, the boys do nothing to mention anything about last night. They chat about their hangover, how Seungjae is doing well with his new job and the amount of food they ate. No one mentions anything about Joon Hwi, or his words.

Joon Hwi counts himself safe. They must have forgotten, he thinks. He figures it was the best they did. It definitely would save him an earful from Sol and a large headache. During lunch, as they finished their simple meal at the cafeteria of soup, rice and bulgogi, Bokgi is about to clear his tray before he turns to Joon Hwi.

“Oh, hyung.”

“Hm?”

“We remember everything. From the start, to the end.” He says, a teasing grin on his face as he quickly scurries away, not wanting to die before he graduates. Joon Hwi rolls his eyes back and groans.

Well, shit.

-----

bonus:

“Sol B, did you know our roommates are dating?” Jiho asks, his voice slightly slurred as Sol B drags him up the stairs. She gives a nod. Sol B was no idiot to fall for her roommate’s excuses, when her face gave it all away. It was fascinating how the others haven’t noticed.

“It would be an insult to our careers if we didn't notice the way they looked at their phones.” She sarcastically says. Jiho manages to scoff. Sol B is about to tap Jiho’s key card of their door, but his hand stops hers, as she feels his body right behind his.

“Well, they haven’t found out about us yet.” Jiho says softly to her, his face nuzzled into her neck, lips brushing her neck as he slowly moves his lips up to her jaw. Sol brings a gentle hand to his cheek, before turning around to face Jiho.

“We’re better actors.” She whispers so soft. Jiho can't tell if it’s the alcohol or him, but all he knows is that Sol B looks so damm perfect with her doe-like eyes, soft pink lips and the way she teases him drives him insane. He wants her, and he wants her now.

He crashes his lips on hers, wanting to so desperately taste her. It’s been a long day, and he’s never felt so in need. Sol B tastes the lingering alcohol on his lips, but she couldn’t care. She needs him the same way he wants her. Her hands reach up to grab his hair as Jiho’s hands slip under her hoodie, feeling the smooth skin of her waist against his fingers. They know that they are in the middle of the hallway, but, god, it felt so good.

“God, I missed this.” Jiho mumbled, almost growling, against her lips, earning a slight smirk from the younger girl that he could feel. He sucks on her lower lip, earning a soft gasp from the girl as she only kisses him harder. Biting lovingly on her swollen lips, he shifts his attention to her jaw, leaving butterfly kisses and earning a sigh of pleasure from her.

But it was short lived, as she pulled away. They knew they had to stop, before their secret was revealed, too. Jiho wishes he could bring her into the dorm and continue this session with her. Sol B looks at him lovingly, biting her lip in an attempt to tease.

“We’ll continue this tomorrow.” Sol B says, giving him another loving kiss as she leaves for her room and Jiho returns to his, buzzed from the alcohol and the adrenaline rush from his make out session. He inwardly groans, hating how his girlfriend teases him, but also smirks, knowing how to get back at her the next day.

Let’s hope he remembers this.

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btgalaxy · 5 years

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Infidelity

➳ a/n: this was gonna be a drabble oops ~ admin lottie

➳ pairing: jin x reader

➳ genre: angst

➳ word count: 2.5k

Masterlist

“I left dinner in the fridge.” You tell your husband, leaning down to place a tender kiss on his cheek while he scans over the newspaper, scoffing down some scrambled eggs you made earlier.

“Lasagna?” He mumbles through his mouthful, glancing at you briefly.

“It’s a pasta bake. You can oven heat it until it’s hot then split it between you and the kids.” You inform him, taking your car keys out of the kitchen drawer and rummaging through the cupboard to locate your spare key to leave under the mat for when you get home.

“You’ll be back tomorrow morning right?” He inquires, finally drawing his attention away from his newspaper to look at your retreating form, struggling now to haul your overnight suitcase to the front door.

“Yeah, and the conference is only a couple of hours away so if there’s an emergency I can always come back.”

“So 10am, right?” He confirms again, spooning another mouthful of eggs into his mouth.

“10am. I’ll give you a call when I get there. Don’t forget to pick Y/D/N up from ballet after school, she finishes at 6, but sometimes they like you to stay for a bit to watch what they’ve done in the session.” You announce and he sighs in response. Despite being a great dad, Jin never liked to attend recitals and ceremonies; he’s always been a pat on the back kind of father, giving the kids a solid well done and keep up the good work before continuing on with life. He doesn’t really do dramatics.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, gorgeous.” You wave him goodbye as he takes a sip of his coffee, freshly brewed from your new machine.

“See you.”

The conference runs smoothly, as does Jin’s evening. You call him at 8, and he confirms he picked up Y/D/N and made the kids dinner. He’s a little dismissive in the way he talks, and you pick up on it quite quickly, but you pin it down to the fact he’s been left alone with the kids for the night which rarely happens; he’s usually the one on the business trips and leaves you to handle them. Not that you mind, you know his job is quite demanding and his boss is a particular prick when it comes to your husband.

After you hang up, you find yourself rather drowsy and turn in for the night quite early, regardless your colleagues’ insisting that you should head down to the bar with them to drink for the evening, but you guess you miss your kids, your husband, your home; you’re a mother- you worry, it’s what you do. So you head into bed by 9, enveloping yourself in the satin sheets encasing the hotel’s thick duvet. You take a mental note to buy yourself and Jin’s bed some new sheets too, you’ve had yours for long enough now that the colours started to tinge and the white now more of a soft grey.

You find yourself tossing and turning all night, and when it reaches 5am and you’ve barely slept at all, you figure your best chance would be to drive home early and get a couple of hours sleep in at home, in your own bed. You send one of your co-workers a text, updating her that you’ll be leaving early after a rough night which you won’t expect a response from for at least a few hours; from all the racket outside your door last night it sounds as though they really did make good use of the bar.

The exhaustion sets in as you drive home, only fuelled by the thought of curling up next to your husband and getting back to sleep. In fact, as you’re home so early and the kids will still be dead asleep, you think to yourself about waking him up when you get there. Maybe you could even have morning sex because you can’t even remember the last time you had sex before 10pm. You always anticipated that your sex life would buffer beneath the non-stop agenda that comes hand in hand with marriage and kids, but lately it’s really suffered as you’ve even lost your alone time while one of you goes away on a business trip or has to work late or is attending a recital- it’s all piled up.

You quietly unlock the front door and step in, adamant not to wake up the kids and interrupt your plans to finally get a moment alone to reconnect with your husband of 9 years. You cautiously make your way up the stairs, holding your bag against your shoulder and making sure it doesn’t knock against any walls to disturb any slumber. You smile victoriously as you pass by your son’s room, finally reaching your destination with a profound sense of triumph.

Hesitantly, you open the door, allowing a little light to spill into the room and across the blankets strewn haphazardly across the bed- which automatically sets you a little on edge as Jin has never been a restless sleeper, always very still and undisturbed. What really unnerves you, however, is the sight of some lacy, female pants on the mahogany flooring, next to a bra, a dress, some heels. Your stomach drops and you feel sick as your hand snaps up to switch on the light.

There she is. A young brunette sleeping soundly on your side of the bed, with your husband’s arm hung loosely across her bare back as she curls up towards him. God, it hurts. It hurts so much when his arm tightens around her protectively as his eyes flutter open to meet your own, slightly widening in alarm as he actually acknowledges your unexpected presence.

“Y/N?” He rasps, moving to sit up on the bed while covering his lower regions. God, like you haven’t seen any of that before. It’s like you were never even married for 9 years.

“What is this?” You choke, as the woman stirs a little, shuffling closer to the man you love in her most vulnerable, perfect state.

“Y/N this isn’t-,” he stammers, “she isn’t- I can’t-“

“Baby?” She groans, still unaware of your presence in the doorway as she awakens further and runs her hands onto his chest to pull him back down. You want to claw out her damn eyes, but you feel as though a whole grand piano has fallen on you, pinning you to the floor as you suffocate under the weight of it.

“Y/N let’s talk downstairs.” Jin is suddenly scrambling to get some boxers on as he moves out of the bed and the girl finally turns to look at you, tears subconsciously streaming from your eyes although you maintain a neutral expression.

“Oh shit,” she whispers, “fuck.” She too is now clambering for her clothes, and you can’t help but notice her breasts are that much perkier than yours, skin that much clearer and tighter than your own. You refrain from looking any lower than that, not wanting to damage your pride even further.

“Y/N we should talk downstairs.” His hand reaches out and touches your arm as he stops next to you, and you slowly look at the point of contact before glaring back up at him, shoving his palm as far away from you as possible.

“We should talk downstairs? We should talk downstairs?” Your volume increases as you become more and more hysterical, the reality finally settling in after your moment of immobility.

“Y/N-“

“What the fuck is this, Jin?” You begin screaming, “have you seriously been fucking another woman in my house in my bed with our fucking children metres away! Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Y/N calm down.” He speaks quietly, slightly sternly which sets you off even more. He has no right to tell you to do anything right now.

“No, no- what the fuck-,” You stumble over your words amongst your hysteria, “how long- who the fuck is she?”

“I should go.” The woman speaks up, now holding most of her things awkwardly in her arms as your eyes snap towards her and grate over her figure, glowering as she fumbles clumsily to get past you.

“Fucking right you should. And you should never come back.” You snarl, glaring her down as she cowers past and jogs down the hallway, where she runs into none other that your little girl, staring innocently at the unfolding events in front of her eyes.

“Mummy?” She calls, eyes stinging with tears at what she’s witnessed. Your anger begins to ease momentarily as your maternal instincts kick in and you move towards her wiping at my eyes, hearing the door slam shut as the other woman makes her frantic escape.

“Mummy what’s happened?” She sobs, and you cradle her into your arms and carry her back into her bedroom, sparing Jin a livid glance while he rakes his fingers through his hair under the doorway to your bedroom.

You gently stroke her hair, tucking her back into bed, “nothing’s happened, sweetheart. Just go back to sleep, okay?” Your tone is stoic and resigned, although your actions comfort her still, enough that she accepts your words and turns back over carefully, bringing her small hands to rest under her head as she closes her eyes again.

“I’ll see you in the morning, beautiful.” You kiss her on the forehead before slowly walking back out and gently clicking the door shut again. The light spilling from downstairs indicates Jin’s presence and you hastily bite back the stinging wetness at your eyes, clamping your teeth down on your lower lip as it trembles helplessly. You haven’t cried like this in so long; you always had this preconception that mother’s should only cry when their kid does something incredible and you’re just so proud of them you can’t help but cry happily at what they’ve achieved. You never anticipated you would be crying after finding your husband in your own bed with another woman. Never.

Deciding to be strong and relegate the desperate urge to smack your husband with as much force as you can muster while kicking him out the front door, you make your way downstairs and to the light of the kitchen, where Jin is breathing heavily with his head in his hands, elbows on the countertop. You gulp, moving towards the man that now feels like a stranger when he looks up at you with desperate eyes, regret flooding his features.

“Y/N,” he swallows, squeezing his eyes shut as his eyes begin to leak, “Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

You stand opposite him, on the other side of the counter. And as he looks at you, you can’t help but picture you both stood at the altar with your looks of carefree, unconditional love as you gazed at each other, the priest’s words drowned out while you could only focus on each other and the fire you felt burn whenever you touched. Now look at you.

“Who is she?” Your voice is stagnant, dripping with an underlying venom that rolls off your tongue.

He nervously glances at the granite counter, “a friend of a friend, I met her at a bar.”

You laugh coldly, “so you brought back some slut from a club. Classy.” Your words even surprise yourself, as you wouldn’t usually be so prejudice, but they are just falling from your lips themselves the way water cascades down a waterfall; it just happens.

Jin ignores your malice, “she’s nothing to me.” You know he’s lying. You know he wants her.

“How long?” You question vaguely, though he immediately knows what you’re asking.

“I’ve only slept with her twice and only recently,” he defends.

“Oh perfect, that makes it so much better.” You spit.

He pauses, exhaling, “but I’ve been taking her out for a few months now.”

It’s probably the worst thing you could ever hear.

You think this hurts so much because he was never actually sleeping with her, till recently. He must’ve been going to her for company, for the feeling of falling in love, being in love. Yes, you’ve not exactly had the chance to see each other much these past few months but your love for him never faltered. You never questioned it nor even considered going to someone else for the comfort you weren’t getting from him.

“Y/N I’m so sorry.”

“How could you bring her here?” You whisper, caving to your emotions, “how could you let her sleep where I sleep? I’m your wife, Jin. I’m the mother to your children.”

He begins sobbing, “I fucked up, Y/N. I fucked up so bad.”

The fact you’ve been married for 9 years makes your heart instantly want to comfort him, despite his infidelity. You hate that you love him, but after 9 years you can’t just ‘switch it off’. It just doesn’t work like that.

“Y/N,” He pants, all of a sudden coming towards you in a frenzy, “please don’t leave me. I’ll never see her again, I’ll never do this again, I don’t want to leave you, I always loved you, I never stopped-“ His words are frantic and panicked, but you cut him off with a sharp tone.

“I don’t want to hear your excuses, Jin.” You speak, finally feeling a little calmer as you divert your thoughts to figuring out how the hell you will move past this, if you can move past this.

“Y/N, please,” he begins weeping, and immediately drops to his knees as his arms snake around your legs, “Y/N, please don’t leave me, I can’t live without you.”

You let him bawl into your knees as his shoulders shake, the vision of his blonde head against your legs taking you to a more intimate place where you always felt safe with your husband. But, after this, you don’t know if you’ll ever feel safe again.

“I think we need some time apart.” You declare with a shaky voice, as Jin’s actions cease and his bloodshot, puffy eyes look up at you pleadingly.

“Please, no, please stay. Stay for a bit we can talk about this.” He cries, still on his knees as he begs.

You jostle out of his grip and his palms hit the floor as you back up, “we will talk. But I need space from you first.”

You’re thankful to already have a packed bag, as you approach the door, Jin now sat at the dining table somewhat more composed, yet still broken. You don’t say goodbye as you reach for the door handle, because goodbye means something definite to you, and despite all he’s done you don’t think you’re quite ready to say goodbye just yet. You shut the door behind you lightly, finally letting out a breath you don’t realise you’re holding till you can breathe in the open air of your front porch. You walk down the steps to the drive and back into your car again, bag in hand, and you tightly grip the steering wheel with a strong breath. And you drive away.

#bts #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts drabble #bts jin #kim seokjin #bts ksj #admin lottie

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jamie-leah · 6 years

Text

Soul Reader-Part 7

Bucky x Reader

Summary: You find out that you are a soul reader, only you don’t know what that means. Can the Avengers help you figure it out and keep you out of harms way? Soulmate AU

Word Count: 3023

Warnings: Swearing, angst, I think that’s it?

A/N: Sorry for the wait, but here’s an extra long part. It’s going to be a frustrating part and I’m sorry! Don’t kill me, it’ll get much better. Feedback is much appreciated! Enjoy lovelies! Tags are OPEN

Soul Reader Masterlist Series Masterlist One shot Masterlist

BUCKY’S POV

Him and you have been getting closer over the last week and he’s loved it. You just seemed to get him in a way only Steve does. You don’t judge him when he has his bad days, when he doesn’t want to talk, when he has to let some of the horrors out as the burden becomes too much some days. He never spoke much to Steve about the details, but he did with you. You listened every time and every time he finished he expected disgust, anger, judgement but he never found it and he was more grateful than he thought you knew. He didn’t know when it happened, how every time he walked into a room he sought out your eyes. How he watched you from the corner of his eyes, how he tried to be near you as much as he could. He didn’t know when you had started to become one of the most important people in his life, but he knew he was screwed. He tried to ignore the feeling in his chest every time he saw you. He tried to push the feeling down, not wanting to jeopardise the friendship you had formed. He always had a voice in the back of his head telling him you didn’t feel the same way he felt about you. The voice told him he wasn’t good enough for you, that he would just ruin you. So, he pushed his feelings down, down until it was just a small ache in his chest.

He was thinking about you and all of this when Sam approached him in the kitchen. He looked kind of frantic which wasn’t really his style, and Bucky was instantly suspicious when Sam rushed over to him with relief on his face. Sam sounds breathless as he says, “heyyyy, Bucky, just the man I wanted to see…so look, I need a favour-“, Bucky cuts him off before Sam can ever explain what the favour is with a swift and dull ‘no’. Sam rolls his eyes and carries on as if Bucky hadn’t spoken, “so, there’s this girl I like and I’m supposed to meet up with her in an hour, but she brought a friend with her and I need a wingman to distract the friend as I can work my godly powers”, Sam finishes with a smirk and Bucky pretends to play along, nodding to his story and returning Sam’s smirk before going completely deadpan and repeating his earlier ‘no’. Sam huffs in annoyance as he says, “look, there’s no one else here that can help me, don’t you want to help your friend get laid?”, Bucky scoffs at him and flips him off. He didn’t want to help Sam out anyway, but his thoughts kept drifting to you. He felt like if he were to go out flirting with another girl that he’d be cheating in some way, which was completely irrational because you weren’t even together, but it just didn’t sit right with him. Sam kept at him though. He kept asking and wouldn’t leave him alone. Bucky’s patience was wearing thin and he was a couple of whiney words away from punching him in the face. Sam gets desperate as the clock nears eight and he grips Bucky’s arm saying, “c’mon man pleeeeese, I’ll do anything man”. Bucky caved, he didn’t have to stay long and you didn’t even have to know…not that it even mattered because you didn’t think of him that way anyway. He left with Sam not long after he agreed and he instantly regretted it from the moment he stepped outside the compound.

YOUR POV

You come out of the gym after a late-night training session with Nat. You feel pumped and Nat said she was really pleased with how you were coming along. You practically skip along the corridors to find Bucky and tell him you could probably kick his ass now. You were smiling like an idiot as you poked your head into the kitchen, he wasn’t there so you tried the living space, but he wasn’t there either. Your smile was quickly fading as you knocked on his door and got no reply. You frowned as you looked down at your phone and saw it was 8:32pm, he should be here, he said he didn’t have a mission or any plans. You knock his door again just in case but get no answer. You feel your energy dwindle as you head back to your room and then you look down at the midnight line and notice its leading out of the building. You keep forgetting to check the line to find him, you were too happy and distracted earlier to notice it. You feel the disappointment swell but quash it quickly and scold yourself. He can do what he wants, he doesn’t have an obligation to you in any way really. You try to distract yourself with keeping busy. You have a shower, but your thoughts wander dangerously in there, so you make it a quick one. You try to read a book, but the words are hard to focus on. You try to meditate but again you can’t focus, your thoughts going back to Bucky and wondering what he’s doing out at 11pm now. You frown at the time and you leave to go find someone to ask them if they know where Bucky is. You find Steve and Sharon curled up on the sofa in the living space and you feel bad for intruding but your worry for Bucky outweighs you ruining their alone time. You clear your throat and their heads turn in your direction, they both smile at you as you look at them sheepishly. “Hey guys, I’m sorry for intruding on your time, but have either of you seen Bucky?”, Steve shakes his head as he says, “I haven’t, I haven’t seen Sam either, so I assume they’re up to no good somewhere”. Steve smiles, obviously not worried and it eases you slightly. You watch as Steve’s smile fades a bit as he asks, “Y/N, are you okay? You’re looking a bit pale”, and now that he asks you realise you’re not okay. You can feel a pounding starting like a drum at the back of your head. The drumming only seems to get louder and makes its way to the front of your skull. It makes your vision swim and you dig the heels of your palms into your eyes to get it to stop. You can’t help the groan that escapes your lips and you feel Steve wrap an arm around your waist to steady you. You can vaguely hear him asking frantically what’s wrong, but you don’t know. You feel your heart racing in your chest as the drumming gets louder. And just as quickly as it happens, it goes. You feel it recede and air leaves you in a whoosh of relief at the subsiding pain. You open your eyes to both Steve and Sharon looking at you with concern. Steve makes you sit down and drink a glass of water before he asks you what happened and you’re at a loss for words to start with. You shake your head and look up at him as you say, “I don’t know what that was, probably like a flash migraine or something, I don’t know”, Steve didn’t like the fact that you didn’t know, but you waved him off. You told him you were sorry for ruining their evening and that you were just going to sleep it off. He looked concerned but let you go anyway, feeling his worried gaze as you left the room.

You walked slowly back to your room, feeling slightly unsteady on your feet. You’re focusing on the floor and rubbing your temples in circles. You don’t look up until you hear giggling, and you can’t place the giggle to anyone in the compound. When you do look up it takes you a while to process what you’re seeing and when you finally do you’re afraid they’re going to turn around at the sound of your heart breaking. There’s a gorgeous girl in a short dress struggling to walk down the hall, the only thing making it possible is the person she’s draped all over: Bucky. You feel your breath hitch and your chest tightens painfully. You know you should look away, go into your room, to stop anymore heartache, but you can’t take your eyes off them. She keeps trying to whisper in his ear and you swear you can see him shiver. You close your eyes and clench your jaw, digging your nails into your palm. You open your eyes again to more giggling, seeing that she nearly fell over Bucky wraps his arm around her waist and draws her close. You feel your stomach churn as you watch him open his door and steer her inside. The click of the door echoing like thunder down the hall.

You don’t sleep well that night, tossing and turning. You couldn’t get the image of him and her out of your head and it sent an ache radiating from your chest all the way down to the tips of your toes. You give up the illusion of sleep at around 6am, putting on some training clothes and setting off for the gym. Nat said you were getting good, but you knew you were still out of shape compared to the rest of them. So, you started running on the treadmill and the ache in your chest gave way to the burning of your lungs and you welcomed the change in pain. You keep your thoughts as blank as possible as you push yourself to keep going. You don’t know how long you’ve been running, but it suddenly doesn’t feel enough. The thoughts of Bucky won’t go away and you stop the treadmill in frustration. You jump off asking F.R.I.D.A.Y. to wake Nat up and get to the gym. You feel bad for waking her up, but you need her to push you. Not even ten minutes later she strolls through the gym, she studies you and she seems to understand something is off. She doesn’t ask questions, she just gets her stance ready on one of the blue mats. She pushes you harder than she’s dared to before, she pins you to the mat a lot, but you don’t care you felt like you were learning a lot and blowing off the steam that had been boiling in your veins since last night.

By the time you stop you see that it’s nearly 10am and you can’t help but feel surprised at how long you’ve lasted. Your body aches in a good way and you throw Nat a grateful smile as you leave her in the gym. You grab a quick shower and then head towards the kitchen, stomach grumbling loudly. You know Bucky is already in there, seeing the midnight line snaking down the hall and round the corner. But you know you can’t avoid him forever and you’re hungry. When you get to the kitchen you’re greeted by Bucky cooking at the counter in a t-shirt and sweats and you know when your heart skips a beat that this is going to be harder than you anticipated. He looks up at you and gives you a beaming smile, the kind of smile he reserves only for you and Steve. It almost fools you into returning with one of your own, almost. But you see his nose crinkle and his dimples deepen and you just think about that woman getting to kiss his lips and its enough to make you feel sick.

You brush past him and go to the fridge for a water bottle, you don’t miss the frown he throws your way as he clears his throat, “I knocked on your door to see if you wanted pancakes and you weren’t there…”, he trails off in a question like manner. You take a gulp of water before replying tersely, “I was training with Nat”, you watch as Bucky frowns down at the pancake he’s making. He brushes the expression off as he looks over to you, smile more hesitant this time, “so how’s the training going? Oh, and do you want some pancakes?”. It pains you to be so blunt with him, but all you can think about is her hands running down his chest and up his back, “its going fine and no, I’m good thanks”. Bucky frowns for the third time because of you and it doesn’t sit comfortably with you. You know you have no right to be angry at him, to be treating him this way, to him you’re just friends. You sigh and say, “hey Bucky, I’m sor-“, you cut yourself off when you see him tense and watch as two delicate hands wrap around his waist. You practically hear her purr as she says, “hey you, so thanks for last night”, your stomach fills with knots and you think you might vomit at any moment. You watch Bucky look at you, a weird expression that you can’t place on his face, before looking at her. He just nods at her as she continues, “ooo, you’re making pancakes, how did you know they’re my favourite”, and he just shrugs his shoulders. She finally notices that you’re standing there and she gives you a smile and a confidant hi, you just give her a nod as you take another sip of your water. Your brain is screaming at you to get out of there but your body doesn’t want to comply. You feel frozen on the spot as she leans up to his ear to whisper, rather loudly, “so, is she an avenger too?”, you watch Bucky tense even more as he nods his head at her. You watch her face scrunch up as she whispers in his ear again, “who is she? I’ve never seen her before”, you resist the urge to punch her in her perfect face as your body finally becomes unstuck to the ground.

You feel Bucky’s eyes on you as you leave the room and you wonder why, probably to make sure you’re gone so he can be alone with her. You feel sick again as your head starts to pound. Your footsteps slow down as the pounding gets worse and you quickly recognise the drum like pain radiating throughout your skull. Its more intense than before and you feel your knees buckle as they hit the floor with a hard thump. You clutch your head as reality around you seems to shimmer and waver. The drumming increases as you feel hands cup your face, you look up to see two orbs of blue staring at you in concern. You can see Bucky’s lips moving, but you can’t hear him, the drumming in your head and the rush of blood in your ears drowning him out. Like last time, the drumming starts to recede just as quickly as it came until its gone.

BUCKY’S POV

He couldn’t wait to get rid of Jessica. He only brought her home last night because Sam was bringing her other friend home and he didn’t want her to be on her own drunk. He thanked the heavens when she practically passed out the moment he deposited her on his bed. She was annoying, and too handsy considering he had literally just met her. He swore to himself that he wasn’t doing Sam anymore favours after that night. He just kept thinking of you every time Jessica would try to make a subtle move on him. He didn’t understand why you were being so cold with him this morning, but the penny dropped when Jessica made an appearance and ruined whatever you were going to say to him. He had to count to ten to stop himself from snapping at her multiple times.

He drew the last straw though when he heard you fall in the hallway due to his super soldier hearing. She wouldn’t disentangle herself from him so that he could go see if you were alright and finally he just shoved her out the way as he walked out the doorway. When he saw you on the floor his heart stopped. He rushed over and dropped down in front of you and he asked so many times what was wrong, but you couldn’t seem to hear him. He saw your eyes full of pain and fear and it made his chest tight not knowing how to make it better. Luckily whatever was wrong seemed to subside quickly as he saw more clarity come back to your eyes. You dropped one of your hands to his chest and clenched the material of his shirt, meeting his eyes and trying to regain your breathing. He stroked his thumbs on either side of your cheeks as he said, “are you okay? What the hell happened?”, he couldn’t stop the slight panic in his voice from slipping out. You grip his shirt tighter as you breathe out, “I don’t know”, he stares at you for a while, making sure that you’re okay, but he soon closes his eyes and clenches his jaw when he hears Jessica calling his name from the kitchen. He opens his eyes again and he finds that you seem more distant to him now as you drop your hand from his shirt. You pull away from him as you start to get up. He goes to help you up but you shake him off and he feels the sting of it like a slap to the face. His voice is tight as he says, “you should go to med bay Y/N”, you barely look at him as you mumble out, “I’m fine, you should go, you’re being summoned”, and before he can reply you’re walking away from him on unsteady legs. He wants to go to you, but he talks himself out of it. You obviously need space and he’ll give it to you, even if it causes some difficulty breathing.

Permanent Tags: @glimmering-darling-dolly

Soul Reader Tags: @softwhispers , @teresaoliva20 , @ladysergeantbarnes , @markusstraya , @tolkienite23 , @wantingtobekorra , @artemis521 , @n7siha , @littlewriter55 , @amcrasnow , @bexboo616 , @mypandabuddy311 , @livetoeateattolive (strike through means it wouldn’t let me tag)

#bucky #Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x you #james barnes #james bucky barnes #james bucannan barnes #jamie-leahfic #bucky fanfic #bucky fandom #bucky fic #bucky series #bucky story #marvel fanfiction #marvel fic #marvel fandom #soul reader

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yakaashistudio · 3 years

Text

ARTIST BOOK - PORTAL QUESTIONNAIRE

What is your portal? - The portal that I will base my zine/artistic sequence on is my bed. I chose this not only because the appearance of and experience within the bed changes throughout the day/night, but because beds also act as a portal into any dreamscape.

What is on the front cover? - The front cover of my zine will feature either a birds eye view photograph of the bed neatly made in the daytime or a hyper zoomed in photo of the fabric of one of my pillows. (as seen in the trial booklets 1 & 2 below)

Where does it take us to? - The main source of inspiration for this portal was the association between beds and dreaming. The bed portal not only takes you into a small world of duvets and sheets, but into the never ending universe of your own imagination during crucial regenerative hours.

What’s inside? - Physically, my objects of interest (selected in the first session where we explored different forms of cataloguing inspired by Daniel Spoerri) include a rabbit cuddly toy, a white pillow and an oversized pyjama t-shirt. Other objects that can be found inside the bed include a blanket, a pair of socks, a bedsheet, a duvet and pair of earphones. What can be found inside the bed varies over time (harnessing the unusual - sometimes there are plates or sketchbooks left on my bed)

What sequence will your book take? - My original thought was to capture the journey that the bed and the person using the bed undergoes over the period of one night (10pm to 10am). Inspired by Michael Snow’s ‘Cover to Cover I wanted each side of the double page spreads to depict the journey that the user is experiencing (preparing for bed // getting into bed // falling asleep // dreaming // waking up) parallel to the journey that the bed is undergoing (gradually going from neatly made to completely messy by the morning as it is slept in)

How does it end? - The sequence will end with the user getting out of a slept in, unmade bed.

What range of artwork will it include? - I want my zine to have a wide variety of media in it. I will include photographs, collage, written descriptions and some poetic/metaphorical writing as well as featuring the contrast between accurate line drawings of the tangible objects and imaginative illustrations hinting at the dreamscape. I am interested in having a panel that combines photo and sound files of breathing/white noise to recreate the atmosphere of sleep (inspired by fkatwigs’ AVANTGarden)

What format will your book take? - So far I have been content with creating a flipstack render of my book in order to create an interactive online experience flipping through the book. However, since I have decided I would like to include sound in my book, I may have to reconsider this format and instead move it to a video and image playing software such as instagram.

How many pages? - I am aiming to create 10-12 pages of original designed artwork for this book.

What artists/designers are you referencing for ideas/inspiration and how?

- The first artist I took inspiration for my thought process was Fiona Banner. I was inspired by her ability to look so deeply into a seemingly simple subject matter and derive personal and universal meaning from it. The way in which she attached personal experience, political activism and life and personality to a series of fullstops encouraged me to explore every aspect of my bed portal.

- Secondly, Daniel Spoerri’s combination of full realised objects and ambiguous metaphorical descriptions in his desk documentation ‘Topographie Anécdotée* du Hasard’ (An Anecdoted Topography of Chance) clearly showed me that bringing many media types together is the most engaging and effective way to present my portal.

- Michael Snow’s ‘Cover to Cover’ taught me a lot about sequencing and how to construct a visual journey using a series of photographs. A technique of his that I will be showcasing in my book is the opposite sides of my book’s double page spreads showing two coexisting journeys; the journey of the bed throughout the night and the journey of the person sleeping in the bed.

- Most recently, @fkatwigs sound image sequence ‘MEATSPACE’ has made me reconsider whether I want my book to be solely visual and has inspired me to combine visual and audible components for a more immersive experience. Inspired by her atmospheric monologue, I would like to trial combining an image of a sleeping form with slow breathing and white noise to create the atmosphere of a sleeping person in a bed.

How will it be viewed? - It will either be viewed as a PDF converted to an interactive lipstick book or as a sliding image series on instagram/tumblr.

#artist research #artist #book making #my plan #dreamscape #zine making #artist inspiration #graphic design

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kalidoesgenes · 6 years

Text

A (Thurs)day in the Life of a 2nd Year UoM Genetics Student

I have been busy this week, because we are in our month of labs. We now have labs three times a week for four weeks. In other weeks, these hours are empty for independent study and naps. I am suffering a severe culture shock. For that reason, I’ve decided to go with random days rather than a straight week. Apart from trying to find more time when I’m already busy, it will also mean that I can show you a day from a non-lab week as well.

I’ve also decided to include today because I feel like it’s important (for me) to be open about mental health and learning how to handle stress.

8am: I generally try to get up at 7am, but I’m feeling particularly stressed and tense this week. I’m not getting as much work done as I would like and I constantly feel like I’m missing or forgetting something, even though, when I make a list, everything is fine. Not optimal, but well within parameters. I play crush crush some more. My wrist hurts, and I’m not sure I’m having fun any more.

9am: I’ve eaten some oatmeal and left early, so I can do a bit of work before my 10am lecture. I finish typing up some notes in the neat little study cubbies outside the lecture theatre.

10am: I like developmental biology, which is one of my optionals. I also like that the professor prints off the slides for us, so I don’t have to get my own. I also like the professor. I like most professors. They are adorkable. Also, we have one who looks like Johnny Lee Miller, which is always nice.

11am: straight into labs, where we will be using light microscopes to examine the slides we’ve made over the past two days. I hate light microscopes. I can never see through both eye thingies at the same time, no matter how I adjust it. I spend an hour struggling with it and then we go to lunch. I pick up a meal deal, with some coke and cake, then go home to watch an episode of Friends and play crush crush some more before going back to fight the stupid microscope some more. I happen to live very near the university, so I can accomplish this within an hour.

1:40pm: Back to wrestling with the stupid microscope. I can see through one eye at a time (though the squinting is kind of painful), so I’m able to make some drawings. The professor tells me my drawings are wrong, but gets distracted before telling me why. I try again. They’re still wrong. I tell him about the struggles with the microscope and he suggests that maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with my eyes and I will never be able to use a microscope properly. I start to cry. The short version is; stressful, tiring week, too much caffeine and sugar, and I hate not being able to do things. The long version is, abusive/neglectful childhood in which I was not allowed to express emotions so I still struggle to express them reasonably, along with very low self-esteem, imposter syndrome which has just been confirmed by finding something I can’t do, triggering the fear that I have now reached saturation point and will never be able to do or learn anything more and the slide into failure will now begin, low sleep, high stress, and high sugar/caffeine.

The professor isn’t actually mean, just matter of fact and concerned. He suggests we go into another lab and finds me an alternative microscope with a different kind of eye-thingy. I struggle with that for a bit, then go off for a quiet ten minute cry in the toilets. I consider making myself sick, which is my stress response. The longer version is, I used to get sick a lot as a child - migraines and lactose intolerance - and I would usually feel better after throwing up, which may have caused a connection between vomiting and relief in my brain. Speaking of LI, my mother insisted I was making myself sick on purpose, force-feed me to the point of vomiting (either due to lactose or too much food) then feed me Tabasco sauce as a punishment. This would make me sick again.

In short, it’s possible that I am so attuned to this abuse that I started doing it to myself as a punishment. I realised this was a possibility a few months ago and vowed to not make myself sick again. What’s the bloody point of going no-contact if I just do it to myself?

2:30pm: I did not make myself sick. I went back to the microscope and churned out some more drawings, then we have a session on what we were supposed to have discovered. Based on this, I think my drawings were fine; if I’d had a bit more time and a bit less stress/panic, and maybe some calm answering of questions, I’d have got it. This doesn’t immediately make me feel better, but does help later. We hand in our lab books; I’m quite pleased with mine. We have the weekend to create an image based on our slides and write a figure legend; I’m confident about doing this based on the final lecture session.

3pm: I decide to go to the library to try to work for a bit rather than go home and play videogames again. Crush crush looms over me. I get a soda and some m&ms, then try to work for an hour or so, but the internet is playing up and my focus is shot, so I go home.

5pm: there is only crush crush. And maybe some other work inbetween. And episodes of Friends.

8pm: I tell my boyfriend that I’m not sure Crush Crush is even fun any more. I don’t tell him about the pain in my right wrist. My mother had surgery for carpal tunnel a few years ago, and while carpal tunnel is not actually hereditary, the narrow bone structure at the wrists which is a contributing factor is. I like my delicate wrists. That’s what my arms look like. I don’t want them to have to change. I also have a bit of a phobia of general aesthetic, and, despite having had local anaesthetic within the last few years, I, deep-down in my bones, don’t really believe it works. So I don’t want to have any kind of surgery. At this point, I delete Crush Crush. I may have deleted my progress or I may be able to get it back. I don’t want to check. I feel an instant sense of relief.

9pm: I did some work then started playing Cinderella Phenomenon, a visual novel in which you play as a cursed princess trying to break that curse by helping others to break theirs. I get the bad ending for Rod, play again making different choices (while taking notes in a spreadsheet because that’s how I roll), and then go through again picking all the good choices to finally get the good ending. While doing this, I tidied up, sorted out my stuff for tomorrow, and did my laundry.

1:30am: ...okay, it took me this long to play through Rod’s storyline. At least I’m playing this game because it’s fun and interesting and not because I feel compelled to get just a few more clicks. I go to bed and listen to a hypnosis podcast on removing anxiety. I’ve set tomorrow’s alarm to 9am, because my first lecture is at 11am. Right now, I feel like sleep and recovery are more important than waking up early.

#day in the life #Week in Kali's Life #mental health #ADHD #addiction #studyblr #bioblr #labs #laboratory

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laurabwrites · 7 years

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MarsCon

Partner, Metamour, and I went to MarsCon last weekend, which is a little literary convention in Williamsburg, VA. I went to a few panels while Partner and Metamour spent most of their time in the board gaming room. It's a fun, chill convention. Since it's smaller (let's be honest, my benchmarks are Dragon*Con and GenCon — anything is going to seem small in comparison) there's less rushing to get across X hotels to go to the next panel which is really nice. The hotel we stayed at was less than a mile from the convention hotel which feels like short enough of a walk that I feel guilty when I drive between them, but gods damn, 10 or 11 at night in the middle of January is cold. So, you know, more driving than let's me pretend to be a decent environmentalist.

Friday

After we picked up our badges (yay pre-reg), we tootled around the dealers' room for a bit. I grabbed all three books in the Ancillary series by Ann Leckie:

I definitely paid a lot more than if I'd bought them on Amazon or something, since, you know, I paid actual list price. But they were there, I was thinking about it, and I finally just did it rather than continuing to let these books languish on my wishlist. They'll probably languish on my to-read pile now but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I did reread Ancillary Justice in the evenings before bed at the con. Just have to finish up The Real and The Unreal at home before I let myself start Ancillary Sword.

After the dealers' room we all went to a panel: What Makes a Good Narrator or DM? It was fun and interesting. There was some good give-and-take and feedback before the Q&A got semi-hijacked by a kind of socially awkward teenager who didn't know how to ask his questions with telling the panel the whole story of his specific situation. And he wasn't very good at telling the story. I'm glad he could get some advice. I wish the questions could have been kept more general and relevant to more people without everyone having to individually extrapolate out from the specific question.

After the panel was dinner and then board games. For the life of me, I can't tell you what we played — that information apparently never made it into the long-term memory. But any rate, after a board game I went back to the hotel to get some sleep while Partner and Metamour played another and then went to Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Which apparently was a bust: technical issues plus incorrect assumptions. They thought it'd be in the tradition of Rocky Horror and have yelling at the screen. Instead it was just a watching party. Not bad, but not a desired activity at midnight.

Saturday

Actually did make it to the 10am panel I was aiming for: Economics of Self Publishing. First of all, I can't seem to sleep in so I was getting up at my usual time of 6am. Second of all, Partner and Metamour do not share this problem. So there I was typing away on my computer when Partner starts waking up.

"What time is is?"

Looks at clock. Well... damn. "9am."

I made it anyway.

The panel was pretty good. It was my second time at this particular panel (same moderator ran it at MarsCon 2016), so it mostly functioned (for me) as confirmation I'm doing everything the author's on the panel recommend. Best line of the panel of the panel was in response to the opening question of 'what does it cost to self-publish?' Answer: time, emotion, and pain. Second best: as much as you need it to.

After that, Metamour joined me at the panel on Genre Blending which was a lot of fun. Mostly thoughts on what works, why what doesn't doesn't, and talking about what's already out there. Of course, being me, I walked out with a recommendation for a book I do want to read (Vellum by Hal Duncan), a book I am going to read for the new podcast a friend is putting together where we tear apart why a book is bad and will regret reading immensely (Out of the Dark by David Weber), and an aesthetic I want to somehow write now: solar punk which was described as art deco/nouveau ecological sustainability.

If someone would like to draw that or point me at artists who already do, please please let me know in the comments.

After the panel was lunch (hurray ConSuite!) and then a Star Wars:Edge of the Empire game with a friend who found out MarsCon was happening that morning and decided to drive up for the day. Yay living within an hour's drive? Any rate, I'm finding that I like the Star Wars stupid custom dice for the variety in outcomes they could produce (... got a few single success plus two disadvantages rolls) but the Star Wars universe is not one I'm particularly interested in playing in for an RPG. Nice to visit for the length of a movie. But not play in for extended periods.

Two things from that game: 1) my (male) friend played a female Rodian while I played a male Rodian. Nobody at the table, including the two of us, could get character genders right. argh. 2) the other player at the table had a well timed "Master, shall I attack the darkness?" that was completely in character. Play stopped for a few minutes while Friend poked me to keep breathing, I was laughing so hard. :D

After RPGs was a spin around the art show and more board gaming, where I played Cosmic Encounters for the first time. Lost, not horribly, but man, the ending to that game. A little bit like Munchkin where everyone is trying to throw everything they have at stopping whoever is in the lead until everyone runs out of things to stop other people with and someone grabs the prize. I mean, I'd play again, I think there's strategy and interesting things to do. But that particular game end felt a bit grindy.

Sunday

Sunday had one last panel for me: Indie Publishing: Getting Known. This wasn't all that useful for me. I've got that I should have a blog and twitter and stuff in order to connect with people. But like how do I drive more people like you, dear reader, to the blog or catch people's attention to come check me out? I guess I need a marketing class or guru or something to get that answered. Meanwhile, I'll keep on keeping on with this blog and hope for steady organic growth.

Last thing we (Partner, Metamour, and I) did at the convention was play T.I.M.E. Stories with a friend we only know from and see at MarsCon. So, TIME Stories is, to my mind, an RPG campaign in a box. You're time travelers jumping between bodies in the past to try and figure out how to fix something gone wrong in the time stream. There's a time limit and no way to figure everything out in that time limit. So you jump back and do the loop all over again. And again. Until you figure out where what you need is and can, essentially, do a speed run through the time loop. I felt like each loop could be it's own weekly gaming session, except maybe the last speed run one. I think we played that game for... five hours? and I was mentally fried from taxing my brain at the end of it. Lots of fun! Have to buy new stories/expansions to go with the core game in order to have replay-ability. And yet, I'd like to own it/play it again.

All in all, a fun MarsCon trip!

#MarsCon #convention #panel #board game

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