#But I think this summarizes my recent thoughts pretty well

[cy-fi-theansweris42]

I've been thinking about the story of the Psychic 7 more and the world of Psychonauts, and I think part of the reason why it just stuck so intensely in my brain is because of the little glimpses we get of their past, and how towards the end of the game, after everything that's happened, the group is reunited. Yes, there's things to work out, things they have to talk about (primarily looking at you, Ford), but despite everything, they're all together again.

Let me explain. (Also, please keep in mind I haven't played the game in almost 2 years and I only recently started rereading things for the games, I could miss some details).

In the world of Psychonauts, the world is not kind to psychics.

We're told this right away in the beginning of the first game. When Raz is reciting the text from the pamphlet for the summer camp, he has these lines:

Raz: You were born with a special gift but the people around you treat it like a curse. Your mother is afraid of you and your father looks at you with shame in his eyes. Come to Whispering Rock psychic summer camp and you can show them all! Back home your powers make you a loner, an outcast, a circus freak, but in this dojo in this psychic dojo they make you a hero. 

As they show different campers in this scene, we know that these words hit home for them. They can all relate to the words Raz is reciting. Even by Raz's time, even after there's been a Psychic organization helping people for years, psychics aren't fully accepted.

To anyone that's ever felt othered, felt like they didn't belong somewhere, these words are relatable. We instantly relate to our main character, and potentially to the other psychic characters we meet. We know what their struggle is like.

Now like I said, this was in Raz's time. But back in the Psychic 7's time? There wasn't an organization like the Psychonauts. Back then there would have been even less reason for them to be accepted, so I think things were potentially even worse back then. There was far less known about how psychic powers worked since Otto and the others were the ones to do the research, and no doubt people were probably more afraid of psychics then.

However, despite living in a world that was even less accepting of psychics, the Psychic 7 still found each other. They still found each other, found others just like them, and they basically formed this little family.

Personally, what makes this hit even harder is the fact that none of them were exactly young when they all found each other, they were all adults and well into adulthood. They all had different backgrounds, different experiences. Lucy had already married and lost a husband, Bob had already lost both parents, Helmut was a struggling performer, Cassie escaped a dangerous environment, and more. They were all adults with different lives and came from different places, but they still found each other. Making friends as an adult is hard, but they still found each other and not only became friends, but became a little family.

And then, after Maligula, after losing Helmut, after being separated for so long, once they all see Lucy, they hug. They're back together again. They're not missing any members of their family again.

So that's what really makes it Hit Different for me. The fact that, despite the world they all lived in at the time, the Psychic 7 found and made their little family, and even after so much time and tragedy and separation, they came back together.

#Psychonauts #Psychonauts 2 #Cy rambles #Psychic 7 #Ford Cruller #Lucrecia Mux #Nona Aquato #Otto Mentallis #Bob Zanotto #Helmut Fullbear #Compton Boole #Cassie O'Pia #Honestly there's probably more I could ramble about here #But I think this summarizes my recent thoughts pretty well #And yeah after hearing that speech from the first game again #It just kept rotating in my brain #I could also ramble about the importance of the Psychonauts organization for the future of Psychics #And that being why Otto was so focused on making sure the organization stayed after Maligula #But I would want to replay Psychonauts 2 before trying that rant lol

[littlemissthunderstorms]

gorgeous

alex turner x fem reader

i don’t really know how to summarize it, so just read and find out!! it’ll be a fun little surprise! (also i quoted a line from better than the movies in here, i just finished that book and i LOVED it so dearly)

i couldn’t choose just one song 😣

late afternoon was dull. rain poured outside and the sky was grey, adding to the melancholy of the day. as you sit on the couch next to your best friend alex, you couldn’t help but stare at the rain pattering against the window, trying to distract yourself from your thoughts. you had just recently broken up with your boyfriend, you realized he wasn’t the one and it made you sad. it was easy to let your thoughts spiral, you wondered if you’d ever find your person, if anyone would ever love you that much. could you be loved? you didn’t want to be lonely forever and then become an old lady living alone with her fifty cats in an old apartment. would you die alone? oh my god and then who would even take care of the cats? would anyone even know you died? what if- “ahem.” you jumped slightly, raising your eyebrows at alex who was looking at you with a funny expression, accompanied by a head tilt.

“soo movie or no?” alex chuckled. “you ruined my train of thought.” you smiled as you kicked him playfully. alex had always been your best friend, you had always been there for eachother and this was no different. he’d been hanging out at your house practically the second your boyfriend had moved out and you didn’t mind at all. alex laughed softly, brown eyes not leaving yours. as you gazed at the boy, your smile faded into a frown, your earlier thoughts returning to haunt you. alex noticed this, furrowing his brows. “you alright?” you hadn’t really allowed yourself to overthink too much since your boyfriend left, and now that you had really thought about being alone, it destroyed you. anxiety plagued you, filling you only with distress and thoughts of loneliness.

“i dunno.” you shifted your gaze to your lap, fiddling with your rings. “you wanna talk about it?” alex shuffled closer to you on the couch. you shrugged, eyes still fixated on your lap, averting his gaze. “is it about him?” you noticed how close alex was, causing your heart to race a little faster. “um- no.” you paused. “well, yes, related. i mean, it’s not exactly about him, like the fact that i miss him or anything. which i dont. not really. that seems kinda mean, but it’s true.”

you looked up at alex nervously to find him looking back at you, silently urging you to continue talking. “its just- i’m nervous i’ll never find anyone. sounds fucking stupid now that i’m saying it aloud but um..” you gulped nervously. alex eyes were soft and caring and the effect he had on you right now was concerning. nevertheless, you continued.“i’m scared to be alone forever, i just want to love someone and be loved. and i’m so scared thats not going to happen and i’m scared nobody will ever find me pretty enough to love me. i dont know.” you weren’t even thinking now, the storm of anxiety that occupied your mind now letting loose. “i’m just nervous i guess. i dunno, its silly.” you sighed “maybe i’m just overthinking.”

you kept your gaze on your lap as you finished your rant, too flustered to look at alex. he was close. really close. why was your stomach all swirly? the thunder outside filled the silence for a few moments. alex grabbed your hand, causing you to meet his eyes. “hey. don’t think like that. you’re gorgeous.” the way alex was talking to you, the way he was looking at you, soft brown eyes shimmering in the candlelight, all smiley and sweet. it was getting hard to breathe. you were so distracted by him that you forgot to respond. “thank you.” you muttered pathetically, making him chuckle softly, hand not leaving yours. the house was quiet besides the muffled sound of thunder and rain from the nasty storm outside that was getting more intense by the minute. candles and lamps emitted a soft glow throughout the room, casting faint shadows on the walls.

the way he was looking at you made your heart flutter. your eyes darted down to his lips for a split second before quickly looking back up at his eyes. shit. don’t look at his lips don’t look at his lips. the tension was so thick you were sure lightning was bound to strike between you two any second. the house was too quiet. was he getting closer? you nervously broke eye contact for a split second, your stomach fluttering as you looked back at him. he didn’t move, eyes still locked on yours. your face heated. “um- so what movie did you wanna wat-“you didn’t even finish your sentence before his lips were all over yours, nose pressed into your cheek and hand cupping your face. he kissed you like it was his job and he wanted a raise. you eagerly kissed him back, squeezing his hand tightly as you brought your other hand up to rest on his shoulder. he leaned over you, gently pressing you against the arm of the couch as he kissed the shit out of you. you brought your free hand to grab ahold of his hair, deepening the kiss which elicited a sigh out of him.

the intensity of the kiss increased as a strike of lightning illuminated the sky for a few moments, a loud boom of thunder following, rumbling the ground. you pushed your hand up his shirt, his skin warm. his tongue slid across yours. his hands were in your hair. your leg was wrapped around his waist as the kiss deepened, teeth colliding and soft sighs filling the air. another rumble of thunder shook the ground and just like that, the lights were out. you broke the kiss, the two of you gasping for air. the room was dark, almost pitch black.

and if it weren’t for the soft light of the streetlamps, the glow of the candle in the other room, or the incandescent moonlight, you might’ve not been able to see alex smiling down at you.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

hope this made you giggle and kick your feet, goodnight!

ps. this is like my third time writing anything ever so if it’s bad don’t come for me

#Spotify #alex turner #alex turner x reader #arctic monkeys #humbug #suck it and see #alex turner one shot #alex turner fluff

[doumadono]

Emergency request:

Hey I hope it's okay if I request some comfort with Hawks. I've had struggled for a long time now never really telling anyone even though I have had times where I got anxiety/panic attacks almost daily. Mostly because of some family issues and having to had been safe place and supporter for both my younger siblings and a mother. (there has happened a lot but I won't go to any specific details) It was both freeing and terrifying to have moved on my own since I felt like I had in a way less responsibility havig to just look after myself and do what I want. But I also felt anxious of not really knowing what's going at home and feeling like I wasn't really needed anymore. Not really getting many calls to ask how I was doing or if I do it quickly becomes a 'rant' of what's going on in their life, even though it's much better now than few years back.

I'm finally getting help and send a text to my school psychologist because I have been pretty exhausted about everything building up and not really attending to school either. But I'm proud for finally going to talk there and hopefully getting some more help. I'm just anxious of how no one really knows how much I have been struggling and thinks I'm doing well and I don't know how I'm going to face them telling them if I can't continue school at this moment.. Meaning I would have to break the illusion of how I really am.. I'm just used to keeping it inside but I'm trying to break out of that.. but it's scary xd

I'm sorry for the long explanation I don't mean to vent I'm bad at summarizing stuff. There's absolutely no pressure to write this and I wish you have an amazing day! I wanto say I really love your blog and all your amazing writings!❤️

A/N: I apologize for posting this after the 48-hour emergency request window; I've been quite busy recently. I want you to know that reaching out for help is a brave and significant step. You don't have to carry this burden alone, and it's okay to break the illusion. Your well-being matters, and I'm proud of you for taking care of yourself. It may be scary, but you're on the path to healing, and there's strength in vulnerability! Keep moving forward, and things will get better ♥

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Hawks had always been known for his swiftness, both in the skies and in his hero duties. But today, as he received your message and read through the turmoil you'd been enduring, he realized that some things couldn't be rushed. He knew that your struggles had been hidden beneath a brave facade for far too long. As he flew toward your place, he used a few of his feathers to discreetly check in on you. They slipped through the slightly ajar window, silently sensing your distress and heavy sighs.

You sat alone, enveloped in the suffocating embrace of your inner demons; your apartment dimly lit, and your heart heavy with the weight of your struggles. The room was filled with a haunting silence, only broken by the occasional distant sirens of the city.

When he finally landed on your balcony, and knocked gently, you were startled, not expecting him to actualy show up. Opening the balcony door, his wings cast a shadow over you. His usually confident demeanor was replaced with an air of solemnity.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, both surprised and touched by his presence.

He gave you a soft, sympathetic smile and stepped inside. "I read your message, and I couldn't just ignore it. You really thought I won't check upon you, songbird? Can I come in?"

Nodding, you led him to your living room, where you both settled on the couch. The weight of your troubles hung heavy in the air, and Hawks knew he needed to tread carefully. "I know this might be difficult," Hawks began gently, "but you don't have to carry this alone anymore. You can talk to me, whatever it might be about."

Tears welled up in your eyes as you finally allowed yourself to speak, the words spilling out like a dam breaking. You shared your anxiety, panic attacks, and the overwhelming sense of responsibility for your family's well-being.

Hawks listened intently, his red wings folding around you protectively as you poured out your heart. "You don't have to hide your pain. It's okay to be vulnerable."

"But what if they see me differently now since I moved out?" you whispered, fear lacing your voice. "What if they think I don't care about them anymore? What if they'll consider me weak if I tell them about my school?"

Hawks leaned closer, his feather-light touch soothing. "Strength isn't about never feeling weak. It's about facing your vulnerabilities and seeking support when you need it, even if you're a pro hero. And believe me, there's nothing weak about that. About the situation with your family - I'm sure they'll finally accept your decision about moving out. Give them time and with small gestures show them that you still care."

As you continued to talk, Hawks offered reassuring words, his presence a comforting anchor in the storm of your emotions. He spoke of his own struggles, sharing stories of the pressure and loneliness that came with being a hero. Hawks gently brushed his feathers against your cheek, a gesture filled with tenderness. "You're not alone in this, okay? I'll be here for you whenever you need me, and I'll support you through the tough times."

Tears streamed down your face as you gazed at him, grateful for his understanding. "Thank you, Keigo. I don't know what I would've done without you today."

He smiled softly, his golden eyes reflecting genuine care. "Anytime, kid. Remember, you've got wings of your own, and you can soar through anything."

#emergency request #hawks x you #hawks fluff #keigo takami x you #mha hcs #takami keigo #keigo x reader #keigo takami x reader #keigo takami x y/n #hawks x reader #hawks x y/n #hawks hcs #bnha fluff #mha fluff #hawks fanfiction #keigo takami fluff

[donnerpartyofone]

I don't know if I can completely articulate this so I'm kind of just piecing this together as I go, but it feels like a major component of right-leaning social attitudes is just contrarianism. I notice this whenever a popular musician becomes controversial for whatever reason--bigotry, stupidity, or maybe they just turned out to be a dick--and suddenly that artist enjoys a fresh burst of interest within the kinda rationalist, Nietzschean, libertarian-flavored neighborhoods of tumblr. I have an old friend (and actual old person) who really enjoys the performance of being a right wing asshole, even though if you get to know him he's really pretty liberal in most ways; he was an old time New Yorker and never had a nice thought about Trump, actually he was mortified when Trump became the republican candidate, but once he realized how much Trump pissed everyone off then suddenly that was his guy. He also tried to convince me that Halliburton was secretly this super responsible environmental protector, I couldn't possibly repeat what his justification was--and he really had no personal investment in environmentalism or the war in Iraq or anything, he just wanted me to feel like Halliburton was the victim of pinko lefty ignorance and that anyone who doesn't like Dick Cheney is just being a pretentious stick in the mud. I was reminded of this exchange during my brief experiment with following a bunch of tumblr people from the opposite side of the sociopolitical tracks, which more or less ended with a guy asserting that plastic pollution doesn't do any real environmental or biological damage and all the concern about it is just a typical liberal scam. And it's both true that the effects of e.g. microplastics aren't that well understood AND that recent studies have linked them to liver stress, cardiac events, and a bunch of other bad stuff...but setting that aside, I don't think it makes you a stupid hippie if you feel concerned about a relatively new phenomenon involving a continuous buildup of inorganic and essentially permanent material inside your organs. Even if you don't understand what the risks are now, I don't think it's dumb to wonder about them.

I don't know how I want to summarize this, I guess it's like a combination of a) the pleasure of pissing people off in general and b) being averse to any line of thinking that involves ethical cautions and self-control. And I mean, some amount of tire-kicking is good. It's good to have to check yourself, to notice if you're making a reasoned judgment or if you're just having a habitual emotional reaction. I think contrarians can serve a real social purpose in that dimension. But there also seems to be this urge to contradict just the basic idea that you should ever have to exercise some discipline or forego your own pleasure in the service of something more important. I think that's the fundamental thing a lot of these guys are responding to. I hear them make this diagnosis sometimes that boils down to "Don't listen to the lefties, they just want life to be hard for no reason," and that just sounds really desperate to me.

[imperatorrrrr]

Twenty Two Games Left in the Season

Its two in the morning, I have New Jersey Devils thoughts, so here you go.

We have to remember last season was not the plan. I think this is the most important thing. If last season went how last season was expected to go (we're a bubble team potentially fighting for a wild card spot), this season actually doesn't look as bad as it does by comparison. This season is so disappointing because we're, of course, using the lens of last season and so is everyone else. Now. I'm not saying last season was a fluke. All I'm saying is last season really colors how we're perceiving the team this season and maybe we should put all of that into context.

We knew this season would be worse. I think we tend to forget that the expectation was always that this season was not going to be as miraculous as last season. There were no moves made over the summer for goaltending. Fitz decided that he was going to run a tandem of Schmiddy and VV. That..did not work out well for us. We also lost two veteran defensemen and replaced them with one rookie defenseman, Luke, and one basically rookie defenseman, Bahlers. Remember, Nemo was most likely not going to see many games this season. I mean, I'm so happy he did because he's a revelation, but Nemo was not supposed to be playing NHL games, not yet anyway. There are guys on the team that are having pretty bad regressions, but that's not indicative of a bigger problem, it happens.

Injuries. I cannot begin to emphasize how detrimental the injuries were this season. We have not been healthy once. Millsy was hurt in the preseason. My belief is he was always supposed to be the sixth defensemen and BSmith was gonna be our 7D. Haula wasn't one hundred percent to start. Nico gets hurt. Jack gets hurt. Timo gets hurt. We have Laser missing random games here and there. Pally gets hurt. Dougie gets hurt. Siegs gets hurt. BSmith gets hurt. Nosek hurt. Jack gets hurt again. I feel like that isn't even everyone?

Sixteen back to backs in one season. Yes, its an excuse. Yes, they should have learned how to play in back to backs. But like, come the fuck on, man. That is brutal scheduling. Absolutely brutal. Our record would look so different if we had like, I dunno, just ten back to backs instead of a league leading sixteen.

Lindy Ruff. I have already done my Ruff rant, but to summarize, that man does not know how to utilize his players properly. Until MM20 was forcibly removed from this team, Lindy was using Nico Hischier all wrong. Until recently, Timo has been used all wrong. Don't get me started on Holtzy. He overplays certain players and underplays others. He played the same goaltender on back to back nights. He doesn't switch out goalies until its too late. His defensive pair decisions are ass. And thats not even getting to the fact that his only in game strategy is to shorten the bench and/or change the lines. Its endless, really.

Now I know this sounds like I'm making a doom and gloom post, but hear me out.

It isn't over. We are still, somehow, in the playoff hunt. Can you believe, that even with all this adversity we've faced this season, there's still a chance they could squeak in?

Fundamentally, the team is not the issue. I think thats really important. I think there's been a lot of questions around whether last season was a fluke or that these aren't the guys that are going to lead the Devils to a Cup run. I truly don't think thats the case. Do we need a goalie? Yeah. But Dawsy is showing signs of being steady. Akira is showing signs of being steady. Even VV had a handful of good games before he was sidelined. They probably aren't our main guy moving forward, but I'm not going to sit here and hate on goalies man, thats absolutely not my MO. We have the pieces. We really, really have the pieces. When they're played correctly and put with the right linemates, our stars can really shine. Siegs was having a pretty brutal year, but you see him getting back to shades of himself when he's paired with Nemo. Kevvy was also having a bit of a bad year too, and his last, what, ten or so games, have been lights out. I think Johnny and Luke together really work. Loads of people were bemoaning the Timo trade and look he's played properly and he has like what four or five points in his last four or five games. You find the right line combos for our top six/top nine, and oh man can we really get cooking. There's going to be growing pains sure, but you have to remember how young this team is. But we have the pieces. We have our core. The elements are there. This team has the foundation to truly fly.

This young team is learning to deal with pressure. That is the main difference between last season and this season. There weren't any expectations for the Devils last season outside of whatever internal ones they had in their locker room, so everything was gravy. This season, however, this season you have a lot of external pressure. Being named Cup favorites or Cup contenders by every major NHL media source in the summer and in the lead up to the season, that is very new for the majority of the guys on this team. And they're gonna have to learn how to respond to it. And it may be painful. You know I'm the first person to rag on Lindy, but I think his comment about the pressure from the reporters leading to the unsuccessful powerplay was actually really telling. These Devils have not had to deal with any expectations. And now they do. And dealing with that mentally and not letting it affect your game is a learning process, its a growing process. How do you silence the doubt not only from the outside but internally within yourself? That isn't automatic. Each of these guys needs to figure it out. And they will. Together. This is not a case of these boys getting too high and mighty on themselves because everyone thought they'd cruise to the playoffs. No. Not at all. This is a case of being in a brand new position in the NHL and figuring out how to navigate it.

This season is not a disaster. Now, I'm not saying this season isn't cursed. It definitely is. But its not a disaster. Its not a write off. Its part of the process. Its part of our window. Our window, which remember, only really opened last season and even then it opened at least a season earlier than everyone expected, is at its very beginning stages. Its frustrating to see them seemingly "waste" a year of prime Jack, Nico, Jesper, Timo, et al, but its wrong to look at it as a waste. It isn't a waste. This is why they call it a window and not like a singular shot or whatever.

I think I'm ceasing to make sense now and it is past three in the morning, so I'm going to stop typing.

TL;DR: I love the New Jersey Devils. I will always love the New Jersey Devils. I refuse to hate this team. I refuse to say this team sucks. I refuse to give up on this team. We've had a tough season. It isn't over though. And I hope we get to see them play some fun hockey as we have a little over a month of regular season hockey left to play.

#New Jersey Devils #Devils #NJD #NJ Devils #Text #Okay I went off the rails a little bit here #but I had this conversation with Z earlier and I've been percolating on these thoughts for a couple of days now #I just can't be mad at them ya know #is it toxic positivity? I hope not? #maybe it is! call me out for it! #anyway I love talking and thinking about the Devils so #here's me Devilsdumping on all yall #mostly I'm just sad the season is winding down

[aita-blorbos]

AITA for causing the likely deaths of my friend and his big sister?

This is going to be a long story, but I'll try to summarize. I (???NB) and my friends are physically incapable of dying, a limitation put in by our... I suppose parents? who have all long since left us. We are all frustrated, but continuing our jobs despite their absence. I have a lot of friends involved in this story, but the most important I will call P (???M,) N (???M), and P's big sister M (???F). I should note that P and M are located very close to each other, and share resources.

P came to me recently to vent about the lives we have been forced to live, saying that he's tired of trying to work and angry that we were all left here, and that it wasn't fair. I had told him that none of us were happy, but worked because we couldn't do anything else, akin to bugs trying to find a way out of a maze. At the time I thought I had handled the situation fairly well, but I'm starting to doubt that now.

Time passed, and P's condition didn't get any better, and I started feeling really bad about it. This is where I messed up; I sent P illegal information conveying a loophole regarding our immortality, giving us a way to die that he could look into. I didn't think he would immediately act on it, he is usually much better with doing research, but after a long while of silence from him I started to worry if something was wrong.

That's when M came to me and the rest of our group to tell us P had been taking more resources than his usual share, (water to be specific,) and was taking a large majority of what she needed to upkeep herself. She asked everyone to try and get in contact with him because if he didn't stop whatever he was doing, it would kill her. She said she would try to force communication with him if all else failed, though I'm not sure if she's done that yet.

Someone else in our group who I wouldn't really consider a friend, U (???NB) had ended up exposing P's poor condition after a long bout of silence. It turns out that he's very sick now due to failing the instructions I had given him. I sent another message to P, expressing my worry for him and his condition, and talked with N while waiting. P was furious upon receiving it however, blaming me and M for him being in the condition he was in now, and cutting off contact with me entirely. I haven't been able to get a hold of him since, and M had been unreachable for a long while before the message was even delivered.

I feel awful about all of this obviously, and am pretty sure that I'm the AH, but N keeps insisting to me that I'm not. I'm not sure that I fully trust his opinion though, because he's currently very mad at P which while I can understand, I feel is making N biased against him.

TLDR: I gave my immortal friend instructions on how to die, and him failing to replicate what I given him has caused him illness and his big sister has been silent for a long time. I feel I'm responsible for their fates. AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality #SUICIDE

[amporella]

KYLE BROFLOVSKI, STAN MARSH, AND THE FEMININE/MASCULINE QUESTION

(Or; In defense of feminine Kyle and masculine Stan)

(OR or; how Matt and Trey's outdated views prove their intentions for their characters...

...part 1.)

Normally, I would kick off the part of an essay like this above the ‘read more’ with a short summary, but given the complexity of this topic, I don’t think I can summarize it in the way it deserves in just a paragraph. Instead, I’ll start with this: it’s been a little over a year since I was freed from Tumblr shadowban hell, and nearly as long since I made my first original post on South Park tumblr. Since then, I’ve developed a pretty obvious brand in support of feminine Kyle, but I’ve never actually posted a meta justifying it. As such, consider this not a response to any discourse related to it, or a way of undermining the valid opinions that are being and have been shared, but instead as a long-overdue explanation as to why I see Kyle the way that I see him, and why I believe that interpretation is equally valid and equally progressive.

Thanks to everyone who’s shared their time and thoughts with me over the past year, regardless of how long I’ve known you, and let’s get into it!

INTRODUCTION:

Okay, HERE’s the introduction! As I type this from top to bottom, I expect it to turn out fairly long, so bear with me here: we’re going to need some exposition to explain the way I plan on going about this. I’m going to try and be concise!

i. A Bit of Background

Feminine Kyle has been a controversial topic within the South Park fandom for well over a decade, cementing itself as arguably one of the oldest ‘fanon vs canon’ debates within the fandom. Supporters, a wide group consisting of some of the most notable artists and writers in the fandom, insist the evidence is there; naysayers argue that not only is it not there, but that the mere existence of feminine Kyle reinforces old yaoi tropes, homophobia within fandoms, and most recently, antisemitic stereotypes. 

For better or worse, such a portrayal has dwindled in popularity within recent years, with fanart and portrayals from the earlier fandom days becoming the subject of ridicule. Several other portrayals accompany feminine Kyle into forced obscurity - jock Stan and edgy Craig, to name a few - but only the former has drawn such politically charged discussion. Needless to say, there is plenty to discuss when examining its validity. I intend to try and cover all my bases, but first, some clarification:

This is not an unbiased analysis: this is a meta in staunch support of feminine Kyle. As such, not every single moment for or against such a portrayal will be mentioned here: I intend here to establish why feminine Kyle is a reasonable interpretation, not why the opposite may also be true. I also do not intend to prove that feminine Kyle is absolute fact, or the only valid interpretation; while I personally choose to base my portrayal off of what I’ve listed here, choosing to disregard it is also a perfectly fine conclusion. These characters are ten, after all; there is no objectively correct way to portray them!

Secondly; this is a Kyle-centric meta, but it’s also going to include a fair bit of Stan. Declaring Kyle feminine has no point if we have no character to contrast him against; femininity requires masculinity to mean anything, and vice versa. There has to be some point of reference. As a result, this meta will unintentionally make a declaration on Stan’s femininity as well; just like above, accept and reject it as you wish! ‘Correct’ characterization in the South Park fandom is understandably murky.

Speaking of characterization, we first need to discuss why a long-winded meta like this one is even necessary. Why can’t we decide whether Kyle’s feminine? Surely that should be pretty obvious, right?

ii. Why can’t we come to an agreement?

Well… not really. That’s the problem!

Nearly everybody in this little section of the South Park fandom (by which I mean the non-dudebro section) is progressive, which is a good thing. But that also makes femininity a really difficult concept to nail down. Here’s what Oxford Languages has to say about it:

Okay, straightforward enough. But what attributes are characteristic of women? That’s where we come across our problem; there really aren’t any. Many of the traits (at least personality wise) society used to consider characteristic of women are misogynistic stereotypes, or exist solely as a way to justify gender roles; as such, we can’t designate femininity based on personality traits, which is a great thing for society as a whole and a bad thing for the simplicity of my South Park meta.

Consider this example: being easily grossed out to the point of fear was, in the past, considered to be a trait typical of women. Consider all those boomer comics you’ve seen about women being afraid of mice. Surely then a reasonable conclusion would be that Kyle’s irrational disgust/fear of pee would be a feminine trait. But that conclusion actually isn’t reasonable, because we now know that isn’t necessarily a female-exclusive trait; as such, that interpretation is misogynistic and can be disregarded. Do you see what I mean? It’s really not that easy.

But I actually have a way to make that work. It is going to require some inception. Keep that in mind while we segue to another relevant question:

iii. What is effective characterization?

We talked about characterization a little bit above, but now we need to talk about it again: namely, how do you characterize a character? How many times will I say the word character in this essay?

This question doesn’t just apply to South Park: I mean this for all shows, but most specifically the long ones, and the ones with questionable track records in episode quality. We have all watched something and thought “he would not fucking say that”, even when the person who made him fucking say that was the creator themselves. How do we reconcile that with our vision of a character, especially when such a character assassination is often unintentional? Do we take everything the character does or says at face value by rating all of their behaviors as equal in the characterization scheme, or do we look deeper?

I think the answer needs to be the second one: we need to take characterization by intention, rather than what the character actually says. Generally, a creator will have an intention for their characters, whether that’s in personality, arc, or both. They typically have a plan for some aspects of the character, even in episodic shows like South Park, and they try not to diverge from that plan. For example, Kyle’s reaction will often differ as he is faced with differing events (as real life people do), but he reacts in a similar way, fueled by his consistent morals: he never responds in a Kyle way one episode and in a Cartman way in another. He always reacts like Kyle would, and rarely wavers from his fairly consistent characterization. It is clear that when planning Kyle’s responses to things, they do not start with a blank slate.

That’s the perspective we need to take on when viewing this; we need to look at these characters from the way Matt and Trey intended for them to be looked at, and we need to look at them with the perspective that Matt and Trey had. Segue over: let’s go back to the main point. Keep that in mind.

iv. How do we fix our dilemma?

You don’t really need to keep it in mind, because I’m going to say it again right here: we need to view the characters with the perspective Matt and Trey had. This applies to everything characterization related, including femininity. What makes Matt and Trey’s perception of femininity different from our own?

Well, that’s easy: they’re from a different generation, for one. They’re old white guys, for another. They naturally have different views on femininity than we do, because they have different (often shittier) views on women than we do! Matt and Trey have had some good takes, but their takes on women rarely fall into that category. Unfortunately, we’re going to have to deal with those takes for now if we want to draw a conclusion, because those are what we have to go by when deciding femininity. 

We’re putting on the Matt and Trey goggles for this meta. What do they think femininity is? How would they portray a feminine character? What would a feminine character look like in their eyes? When judging characterization by intention, which I plan on doing throughout this meta, we need to Become Old White Men. 

(That same reasoning is why I’ll essentially be using women and feminine people interchangeably throughout this essay; Matt and Trey tend to associate femininity exclusively with women or flamboyant gay men, and the way they portray them is often the same. Needless to say, those terms are not interchangeable in real life; I only use them as such here both because of the above reasoning and to try and shorten this behemoth of a meta.)

From Matt and Trey’s perspective, it would be much less ludicrous that women would be more easily grossed out; that is the common consensus among men of their generation, and they haven’t proved themselves to be more enlightened than the rest, so we’ll go with that common consensus. From their perspective, Kyle disliking pee would be a feminine trait; therefore, giving that trait to Kyle implies that, in that episode, Matt and Trey viewed him as feminine and intentionally portrayed him that way. This argument becomes stronger once the rest of his traits are considered, which we’ll do throughout this essay. From this point forward, I'll clarify that this is from Matt and Trey’s point of view less often for brevity; assume that unless I clarify it's from mine, it's from theirs. 

Understandably, there may be some issues with this, namely: doesn’t temporarily taking on this perspective and then proceeding to label Kyle as feminine based on stereotypes imply that you agree with those stereotypes? To which I say: no, not really. You can take the intention (femininity, in this case) and disregard the bad that comes along with it: you can essentially claim Kyle as a feminine character without acknowledging what may be flawed reasoning on behalf of the creator, and choose to draw your own conclusions based off of that. I’ll explain this in more detail at the end. 

So, that’s the introduction! But we still have one more thing we need to talk about before we can move onto the actual meat of the essay.

We need to talk about creek.

THE CREEK INTERLUDE.

Why do we need to talk about creek in a Kyle-centric meta, besides that I like talking about creek? The answer is that Matt and Trey’s views on creek answer a very reasonable question, that being: Why do we have reason to assume that Matt and Trey would intend for any of them to be feminine? Why do we have reason to believe the idea of femininity in relation to their male characters would even cross their mind?

Creek is our reason! 

i. The Masculine/Feminine Divide

Consider Matt and Trey’s audio commentary for Put It Down, starting at :52. "One person wanting, which is usually the woman... who flips out a bit more about things emotionally, and generally the man is a bit more, like... not responsive to emotion, and just wants to problem solve. And we have had experience with that…"

Through that commentary, Matt and Trey have already assigned ‘roles’ to Tweek and Craig within the context of the episode; namely, Tweek being the woman and Craig being the man based on their behavior throughout the episode. Obviously, the stereotypes they suggest above very often aren’t true, and a gay man in a relationship is in no way ‘the woman’ regardless of femininity, but they reference them nonetheless, and this helps our case for three reasons:

It confirms that Matt and Trey view some characters as more ‘woman-like’ than others, even just within the context of a single episode: ie, more feminine than others. It shows that they take femininity into account when viewing character behavior, and it is possible they have done so with other male child characters than Tweek.

Furthermore, it shows that the above behavior is intentional; they’ve intentionally made one character more ‘woman-like’ than the other. Matt and Trey admitting that they “have had experience with that” implies that they, on some level, based the episode off of their own experience: hence, Tweek was intended to play the role of ‘the woman’ from the beginning of the episode. It is therefore possible they intended this with other episodes.

The parallels between Stan/Craig and Kyle/Tweek, and on a larger scale, style and creek as relationships, are obvious. The fact that creek exists in the Matt and Trey collective brain as a masculine/feminine relationship implies that their platonic parallel, Stan and Kyle, has the potential to exist in the same way. 

I don’t personally think that Tweek is at all intended to be feminine throughout the series in the same way that Kyle is - Tweek’s meth-driven paranoia is a far cry from Kyle’s natural neuroticism (a trait which, while not inherently feminine, is obviously such within the eyes of Matt and Trey) - but within the context of that episode, the point stands. It also gives us something to look for: contrast. If Kyle is feminine, going by Matt and Trey’s way of portraying relationships, he must have a masculine counterpart. This part is easy. 

STAN MARSH, ALL AMERICAN BOY:

When looking for traditional masculinity within the main four, Stan is our guy. Despite possibly being the most sensitive out of the group, the remainder of Stan’s traits, behaviors, and interests line up exactly with the typical perspective of what masculinity looks like. His consistency with this makes Kyle’s deviation even more remarkable.

i. Personality

So far, we’ve mostly talked about masculinity and femininity in reference to personality, so it only makes sense to start there with Stan. First, let’s consider the trait that Matt and Trey explicitly mentioned they consider masculine:

“Not responsive to emotion, and just wants to problem solve.”

We don’t even need to look through the series for evidence of this one: South Park Studios themselves confirmed it on Stan’s SPandMe results, a quiz intended to connect quiz-takers with their respective South Park character. 

“You are an average all-American person, and despite your crazy surroundings, you remain levelheaded.” 

Remaining levelheaded in crazy surroundings essentially boils down to being not responsive to sudden, situation-driven emotion, especially in the context of Put It Down, where Craig is able to step back from Tweek’s emotion-driven response to a crazy situation and consider it in a levelheaded way. Stan often tends to perform the same duty for Kyle as Craig does for Tweek in that episode, serving the role of someone to vent to in stressful situations.

Now that we’ve checked Matt and Trey’s explicitly mentioned perception of masculinity off the list, let’s consider some other traditionally ‘masculine’ personality traits: regardless of whether they’ve been explicitly mentioned, it’s a fair assumption that they’ve considered a few other traits within the ‘masculinity’ vein. 

Quick to Threats: Stan has a tendency to be levelheaded, as mentioned above, but when angered he can jump straight to threats of violence; this serves as a contrast to Kyle, who tends to respond verbally instead. Consider this moment in Passion of the Jew: 

While Stan actually gives Cartman a fair amount of time to ‘take it back’ before he resorts to active threats of violence, he still does so much quicker than Kyle has ever done in the past; Kyle, by comparison, tends to insult normally. Stan, when pushed by Cartman, responds with threats within a few lines of dialogue: Kyle, when pushed by Cartman, has only legitimately snapped a few times over the course of 25 years of harassment. 

Another example would be in Cash For Gold, where Stan jumps to telling the jewelry salesman to kill himself without any prior conversation; unlike Kyle, who typically makes efforts to negotiate first, Stan resorts to threats.

Also consider Stan’s behavior in Stick of Truth, in which upon the character’s arrival into the Elf Kingdom, Stan is immediately ready to get into a fight to defend Kyle; as the character approaches Kyle, he threatens them by punching his fist. His method of protectiveness often boils down to violence on behalf of the people he cares about, and he takes personal affronts, or affronts to those people, extremely seriously. Kyle, on the other hand, is defensive rather than offensive in terms of protectiveness, and cares more about the wider populace instead of mostly the people directly relevant to his life; we’ll get into that more later.

This is a trait heavily associated with masculinity throughout history, and throughout media: masculine characters in shows, books, and movies are often the ones shown to pick fights rather than verbally negotiate. This trait is even shown through Craig, who’s already established as “the man”; throughout the first few seasons especially, he threatens other characters once aggravated instead of communicating. 

Leadership Ability: Obvious disclaimer is that this trait in particular is not exclusively male, or even largely male (just like every other trait I’ve mentioned), but the world continues even to this day to associate leadership qualities with traditionally masculine qualities, and I have reason to believe that Matt and Trey do the same thing. Let’s go through a few episodes in which Stan is staunchly placed as the leader for some examples:

Stan, as a character who is often the protagonist of the show as a whole, naturally falls into the leadership role within The Boys. In this way, he once again serves as a contrast to Craig, who is obviously the leader of his own game; the official wiki goes so far as to call them Craig and Those Guys. An example of this would be in South Park Is Gay, in which Stan approaches Craig first to try and one-up him, and another more subtle example would be in Good Times With Weapons, in which Stan’s leadership is demonstrated just by him being front and center in front of Craig’s door.

He also serves as the lead detective in Lil’ Crime Stoppers, and tends to be the leader of his respective sports team, being chosen as both quarterback and pitcher in football and baseball respectively. On a larger scale, Stan becomes Captain in Whale Whores, where he is revered for actually making things happen in comparison to the previous Captain. 

South-park-meta also has a great description of why Stan’s a leader which you can find here, which mentions a few things that I haven’t. 

Stan in a leadership role comes up over and over again, and while I normally wouldn’t consider this a strong enough piece of evidence to bring up on its own, Stan’s other masculine traits (which I’ll be getting to shortly, outside of the personality department) make me believe that it’s intentional. This is especially relevant when the leadership within the girls is also considered: while the groups of boys tend to have a very obvious leader, the girls fluctuate often between Wendy and Bebe, with Matt and Trey unable to even keep the leader of the Pleases and Sparkles Club consistent. The fact that the boys tend to have leaders and the girls don’t leads me to believe that Matt and Trey do see leadership as a masculine trait.

Superficiality & Ego: To be clear before we start this section, I do think that Stan is legitimately very sensitive. He is my sensitive little guy. But he does have a tendency to be superficial with some issues, often unable to grasp the bigger picture, especially when failing to grasp the issue tends to benefit him specifically. 

Consider his behavior in A Scause For Applause. Initially, Stan has no clue who the farmers are or what they stand for, and is labeled a hero simply because he likes his wristband and doesn’t intend on taking it off. However, as soon as he essentially becomes a celebrity, he pretends to be extremely passionate about the cause, despite the fact that it is all “bullcrap” to him. Stan is hugely empathetic, but only towards people that are close to him, or issues that are relevant to him (such as the whales, as he loves animals): he couldn’t care less about the farmers in Belarus, but relishes in the attention he’s getting because of it.

Another example of this would be in Butterballs, where Stan behaves in essentially the same way: he joins the anti-bullying campaign not because he is passionate about the issue, but because he’s being taunted and he wants to prove that he’s a leader, or, as Bucky Bailey says, a “big man”. His pride is extremely important to him, which is part of the reason why he steps up. As Stan starts to make the anti-bullying video increasingly about him, Kyle sees through him and points it out.

Once again, his ego drives him rather than genuine passion for the issue: his actual interest in it is superficial at best and serves only to fuel his ego. Both qualities are heavily associated with masculinity, and toxic masculinity in particular: as Stan gets pissed at Kyle in both episodes, that side of him and the anger accompanying it begins to show. We’ve now accepted those traits are generally bad, but they were often praised as a key part of manliness in the past: them continuing to be associated with masculinity in Matt and Trey’s mind would be very plausible.

ii. ‘Manly’ Interests

Stan’s one of the most fleshed out characters throughout the series in terms of interests, but he does have one that shows up more prominently than any other: sports! I’ve gone into exactly how frequently it pops up for him in my Jock Stan meta, so I won’t go into it now, but I highly suggest reading that if you’re interested. Furthermore, that’s also why I’m not going to be using basketball as a masculine justification for Kyle; from what I’ve found, it’s just not as relevant to his character.

Sports are widely considered to be an interest associated with men, and particularly, masculinity; while the gender split among people who are passionate about sports is much less divisive than the media would lead you to believe, few people associate anything other than women’s sports with women. Football in particular is typically considered a man’s sport, and has its heavy associations with toxic masculinity: the traits valued within football tend also to be the traits that our society values specifically within men, those traits typically boiling down to strength and competitiveness. As mentioned above, the desire to compete and show off (particularly with Craig, also considered to be the respective ‘leader’ of his group) is a trait much more heavily associated with Stan than Kyle; it leads me to believe those traits and his interest in football paired together are not a coincidence.

Another one of Stan’s larger interests are animals, which he consistently feels passionate about, but more specifically dogs. He’s shown to love Sparky dearly, with the first Stan-centric episode of the series having Stan’s crisis about Sparky as a main factor, and he even accompanies Stan in Stick of Truth for one of his attacks. I mention this because while a love of animals is often associated with women, or femininity, dogs specifically are consistently associated with men; when the term “man’s best friend” was coined, they were not considering ‘man’ as the wider mankind. Dogs are so heavily associated with masculinity that people naturally assume dogs that they meet are male, and that the large majority of dogs in fiction ARE male. The association between dogs and masculinity is actually a necessity for Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride to work as an episode: Stan valuing “butchness” and wanting Sparky to behave in such a way acts as his main conflict throughout the episode.

While this last one is not quite as relevant to Stan’s overall character as the previous two, it’s frequently brought up as a “counter” to Stan’s sportiness, so I still find it relevant to bring up. Board games, which are certainly less associated with manliness than sports, are still an extremely male sport, particularly dominated by white males (with 93% of board game designers being white men); I am inclined to believe that Matt and Trey knew this, which was why Nichole, and the rest of the girls, stood out so much. They even address this within the episode, which has most of the boy gamers (excluding Stan, who is more open to girls joining the group) rejecting the girls who want to play. Even Stan’s least traditionally masculine interest is centered around manliness within the episode.

Is it coincidence that when Matt and Trey selected interests for their characters, they chose interests heavily associated with masculinity for Stan? Probably not. Again, these interests aren’t necessarily male-exclusive, nor do they even necessarily lean towards men in reality, but from the perspective of two older men like Matt and Trey, they ARE masculine traits. The fact that Stan is given those traits specifically while the other characters are not is heavily indicative of their intention; namely, to make Stan an obviously masculine character.

iii. Appearance

I swear we’re almost done with an insanely long Stan section in what’s supposed to be a Kyle meta. I may have to change the title.

The last thing we’re going to be looking at with Stan in regards to masculinity is appearance: how does he present himself? When he chooses roles in games, how traditionally masculine are they? Let’s start with his Stick of Truth role: Stan Marshwalker.

During Stick of Truth, Stan serves as Kyle’s devoted, protective knight: as I already mentioned above, he’s ready to pick a fight with the player just for looking at him. But even beyond his behavior, his appearance is undeniably masculine; knights were the ideal of manhood and masculinity for quite a long time, hence the trope of a knight saving a princess from a castle. Especially back when knights were a Thing, there was nothing more traditionally masculine than waving a huge sword around and fighting a dragon to defend someone’s honor. Stan doesn’t defend the honor of any princesses in Stick of Truth, but he does offer to duel Tolkien on what’s implied to be Kyle’s behalf, which could be easily interpreted as a parallel.

The knight motif comes up again in the episode Make Love, Not Warcraft, in which Stan’s selected character is this: a muscular, masculine presenting knight. I’m leaving this section a little short because I’m going to be bringing it up again when we get to Kyle , but keep Stan’s appearance here in mind. 

Stan’s next most relevant character is Toolshed, from Stick of Truth:

Stan’s TFBW costume, who is essentially a handyman, is less ingrained in society as traditionally masculine than a knight, but still is a heavily male dominated field: in the United States, 96% of handymen are men. While less symbolic than a knight, handymen can be considered masculine even considering only that trait; they are heavily associated with men, which is essentially the definition of masculinity from the Matt and Trey perspective.

Stan has a ton of alter egos throughout the series, but we’re already at 4k words so I’m going to keep this section as brief as I can. The only other real thing of note here is that Stan seems to associate ripping off his sleeves with strength, as he opts to go ripped sleeveless in both Good Times With Weapons and as Stan The Man in W.T.F. 

iv. Conclusion

What can we conclude from the above information, and how does it have any relevance at all to Kyle?

Firstly, we can conclude that Stan Marsh, in personality, interests, and appearances, was given traditionally masculine traits by Matt and Trey. Furthermore, we can conclude that due to Matt and Trey’s mention of masculinity and femininity within Tweek and Craig, this is not a coincidence; his masculinity was intentional. Finally, we can assume that Matt and Trey genuinely believe these traditionally masculine traits to be legitimately masculine: as in, it is unlikely they gave him these traits with any other intention than making it clear he was a masculine character.

Okay, so we’re done with Stan! Mostly. He’ll come up a little more later. But why did we need to spend this long talking about the character who isn’t even the main guy in this essay? I know I talked a little about it above, but surely I have more of a reason than that? Well, it’s because of what Matt and Trey said in the commentary for Kenny Dies, around the 42 minute mark.

“A couple weeks before this, the idea was that we were going to kill Kyle, remember, and we'd make it a big thing - we'll kill Kyle, and Butters will step in... it always seemed to us that Kyle and Stan were really similar... so let's kill off one of those two."

As of Season 6, Stan and Kyle were too similar. In order to justify keeping Kyle on the show, they needed to draw an actual distinction between the two of them. Before this point, Stan had already been established as South Park’s masculine, golden football boy since his very first episode, so what would be the most effective way of differentiating Kyle from Stan in a consistent way?

The answer would be to give Kyle feminine traits to contrast Stan’s masculine ones. It required leaning hard on some aspects of the character, but it obviously worked: Kyle is still here, widely loved, and often very different than the way he was before season 6. If we can prove that Stan was intentionally given masculine traits, we have even more of a reason to believe that Kyle may be given feminine traits to separate their personalities, and we’ve already proved that! Now we need to prove that Kyle was actually given those feminine traits, and we’ll start right now.

...by which I mean tomorrow, when I post the second half of this. Please hold your applause and/or complaints until then, because you really need the second half to tie the whole thing together and actually come to some concrete conclusions.

You can read part 2 here!

#south park #kyle broflovski #stan marsh #south park meta #meta #WOW putting all these images in sucked #this is the mostly stan part BUT kyle is relevant so i'm tagging him too #kyle's part and the conclusion coming out tmrw!! #as well as acknowledgements

[charcubed]

A lot of people refer to Cas as "gay," which I think is awesome and everything. But I personally always considered him more as "queer" for a number of reasons, such as:

angel genders and vessels are very fluid. Would he still be considered "gay" if he were in a female vessel, and in love with Dean? Also, there are several times in the series where Cas appears to be attracted to women (some ppl don't consider these moments valid for Reasons™ which is fine. But I do.) He also seems, in my opinion, to only be romantically interested in Dean, and I think this would be true if Dean were female. So that would make Cas closer to demi.

Point is, I recently saw a post on sm that was like "reminder: Cas is GAY. He's not bi, pan, or unlabeled, he's gay and that's not negotiable."

I consider myself queer and a huge Cas fan, so it was weird to see my interpretation of a character I know really well and relate to just be invalidated like that.

And I just kind of wanted you opinion, cuz I know like in Dean's case, seeing him as anything other than bi is pretty clearly against canon.

But is the same true for Cas? Is it wrong to see him as an umbrella "queer?" I know Misha calls him gay, which I love and respect, but I don't really let my interpretations be dictated by actor opinions. I feel like canon supports a much more fluid interpretation of Cas, but I'm just wondering if I'm wrong for that, in terms of what canon supports.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Thanks for your thoughts in this fandom I love them

Hi!! Thank you for the nice words and for wanting to know my thoughts on this. I appreciate you :)

Sorry it took me over a week to finish this. I kind of started it, realized it was probably gonna be longer than I’d expected, and then added to it in pieces when off work so as not to half-ass it.

Also, I want you to know that I think you absolutely rock for this message. The fact that you have a strong personal interpretation or strong feelings about what your view of Cas' sexuality means to you, while being open to hearing arguments for what canon supports, is exactly the kind of nuance too many people in fandom lack. Huge fuckin shout out to you, anon, because this takes both guts and brain cells!

I have two primary threads of thought I'm going to address here, as well as how they criss-cross:

I agree that Cas' canon sexuality is a slightly different topic than Dean's canon sexuality. Dean's bisexuality is not unclear/unambiguous, and there's no wiggle room there; he's frequently attracted to women, he's frequently attracted to men, there's bi lighting, it's all not rocket science. Cas is a bit more ~ambiguously queer~, so advocating for fandom maintaining a unanimous hard stance on his canon sexuality is... a little trickier. In that vein, the "reminder" post you mentioned seeing feels too intense in my opinion for the nature of this particular conversation/topic.

That being said: from an analytical standpoint, I do think the strongest argument to be made based on canon is that Cas is gay and demi.

Since you seem open to it and asked for my thoughts overall, I'm gonna break down point 2 before circling back to point 1. Quick reminder/disclaimer that I'm not trying to invalidate you or your personal connection to Cas with anything I'm about to say, so please keep that in mind <3

You mentioned how some people don't consider Cas' moments of being attracted to women as ~being valid~ and said you disagree. That's fair! At the same time... in a nuanced fashion, that's where I land on it. I also think the show took care to ultimately build to and portray a full picture with all of that factored in, and to talk about that I kinda gotta go into detail here, because it's one part of a bigger piece. I’m not trying to turn this into a comprehensive meta deep dive, so I’m going to talk about this in a sort of summarized way but not go too far into breaking down any one point or analyzing any one scene. Hope that’s cool.

Let’s look at Cas’ biggest “moments,” as it were, with women. Or the ones I would guess people intend to reference.

First up: there’s Meg. We’ve got the “pizza man" season 6 kiss, the season 7 arc of Meg watching over Cas during his mental break, and season 8 when Meg sacrifices herself.

The season 6 "pizza man" kiss, to me, really plays into the overall mood of Cas' curiosity as he explores and tries to understand human behavior. He watched porn and was intrigued/confused/aroused, Meg kissed him partially to get at his angel blade (not a euphemism lmao), and then his curiosity kicked in so he kissed her more thoroughly because the opportunity was there. Those scenes are all connected, and he doesn’t have much of a reaction after the kiss. Then, season 7 is a whole suitcase to unpack, but… the bottom line there is that Meg treated Cas with decency when he was vulnerable in every sense of the word. And then in season 8, Cas undeniably had a fondness for Meg by the end, and they were friends... but I don't read it as him having an attraction to her or romantic feelings for her. I do not mean this as shade or hate to anyone who ships them, but my reading on that dynamic overall is that I do think Meg felt something for Cas in terms of both attraction and feelings; and while that makes it all a bittersweet tragedy, it also doesn't mean things were reciprocally non-platonic. She was into him, but he seemingly wasn’t into her in the same way. After Meg’s death, Cas also never asks about her or mentions her or has any reaction at all to her being gone–something that would have been very easy for them to incorporate with even one mention if they'd wanted to or considered it foundational. (For example, mentions of Dean's relationship with Benny are recurring throughout the show, lending its non-platonic nature and its significance for establishing bi Dean even more weight.) Season 8 Megstiel content is also placed narratively right up against the Destiel content, and the contrast of that is–of course–pretty stark. That was likely deliberate. Cas’ feelings for Dean are unavoidably, unmistakably at the forefront.

Then you've got season 9. A newly human Cas–who was given the heteronormative suggestion by Metatron to "Find a wife. Make babies."–gets seduced then killed by April, all of which is traumatizing dubious consent galore. Then you’ve got Cas thinking he's being asked out on a date by a woman in 9x06 as he’s trying to figure out his life as a human. He even says this explicitly to Dean: “Going on dates… that's something humans do, right?” He is doing what he thinks he’s meant to be doing as a human, but is that action based in genuine desire? That line implies the answer being no. Contextually this is, of course, set against the jilted lover vibes he has with Dean in that episode. And then in the season at large, Cas becomes focused on his overall mission–a search for purpose, which (as Metatron helpfully points out later) becomes oriented around saving Dean.

Season 10 is up next. Hannah is very clearly interested in Cas, but Cas is a giant question mark in the face of all of her interest pretty consistently. In all honesty, the way Hannah comes onto Cas—the construction of the scenes—feels like it was intended to show that Cas isn’t interested in women. Half the time he doesn’t clock her vibes, and the other half the time he awkwardly avoids acknowledging it. This culminates in her standing in front of him naked in the clearest signal she can give… and as he says, he’s ~not bothered~ by it. He’s just... well, he's gay. Lmfao. And speaking of the naked Hannah scene in 10x07, something I personally find highly amusing is that that naked scene is immediately followed by Dean enthusiastically making out with a woman. It’s a smash cut with a very pointed contrast, in my opinion! I was very struck by it.

So that's my mini tour (with imperfect recall) of Cas' Moments With Women in the story and how I feel they're positioned.

And to touch upon the idea of contrast a bit further… With Dean, there are ample moments and instances where he canonically expresses (joyful or uncomplicated) sexual attraction to women, and/or romantic love for women throughout the show. This is why his canonical attraction to women should never be in question, as part of his bisexuality. But with Cas... I don’t personally feel we have a scene of his where we can unequivocally say the same. There are always story elements at play that indicate complex motivation, or when a woman (or woman-shaped being? lol) may be interested in him there doesn’t seem to be genuine reciprocal interest on his part. The absence of a clear scene establishing he’s unequivocally attracted to women doesn’t mean he couldn’t hypothetically be… but there are no significant moments that convince me that that’s the case in canon. Instead, I think the picture these layered moments paint of Cas and his sexuality is solidified as the story progress–as part of how his sense of self solidifies and emerges story-wide in kind. By that I mean: the shades of how he reacts to Hannah are there in his reactions to Meg’s interest years prior, but in season 10 they feel more clear because by that point he understands himself better (especially after his time as a human) and has formulated his identity as a person more than he had, for example, in season 6.

The secondary part of this though is the queercoding attached to Cas–which is, by and large, gay coding. (There is also more contrast here in comparison to Dean's bi coding in that regard.) By “gay” coding, I mean… Dean describes Cas as having "sensible shoes,” which is gay slang/code, though more commonly used in reference to lesbians. Cas uses female pop artists for his aliases, which is a wink/nod to stereotypes of gay men—a pattern that’s established in later seasons concurrently to the Destiel narrative taking even deeper root. The specific micro-agressions (and outright aggressions) Cas is subjected to by others—as he's clocked as being an outsider who doesn't fit and for being in love with Dean, in ways that are often tangled together—are traditionally gay story devices at play. And I'm also fond of the seeming significance of Cas' conversation with Pastor Joe in 15x15. Cas asks the Pastor what he means by people of "all backgrounds," being welcomed, and the Pastor says, "Connor didn't have to live in fear of who he was. A gay man who believed in a tolerant God." And Cas says, "Well, I imagine not everyone was happy with the change."

In terms of why I say he’s also demi… Cas is seemingly never ~interested~ in anyone but Dean. Now, part of that is of course a byproduct of the storytelling structures he's given. But nonetheless, his singleminded focus on / interest in / devotion to Dean feels unwavering in its totality. Even as Dean stops looking to date other people in later seasons because he knows he’s fallen in love with Cas, there’s still references to or nods to his attraction to men and women as a significant part of who he is. But unless I’m forgetting things, Cas just… doesn’t really seem to have that embedded into his character. He's got an emotional attachment to (and "profound bond" with) Dean, and his attraction to and love for Dean is part of its natural extension. That’s where the demi reading comes in for me, but it’s certainly a side note / asterisk to him being gay, which I think is the prime part of his identity the text deliberately points towards overall.

Regarding Cas' gender and how that may affect any part of this discussion... Is Cas non-binary? Well, in the show overall, angels are obviously considered ~celestial wavelengths of intent~. We see the fluidity of angels in different gendered vessels, and one could say the angels' primary gender is sort of "genderless" as default. Sure. But... at minimum, I feel it's implied that Cas comes to feel at home in a male vessel's body, and in what has legitimately become his body. As Dean says, "It's not an 'it,' Sam. It's Cas." And ultimately, I feel the gender question is not really a huge part of the point in regards to how canon presents this queer story to us.

To the question of if Cas would still be "gay" if he was in a female vessel and fell in love with Dean–or even to a question of "what if Dean was a woman" I've seen plenty of other people pose in various contexts–I think it's almost like... a moot point. The homoeroticism of Dean and Cas' dynamic is significant in a multilayered way, and that was true from day one. Their dynamic is very much affected by and built on them being 2 masculine men (or Cas being perceived as a "man" if you want to go that route), both in story and out of it, particularly in Dean's reactions to Cas. And the romance, tension, push-and-pull, miscommunication, coding, and censorship–the latter being a thing that shaped story choices over the years–all exist in a specific way because their relationship is undeniably, visibly queer. Destiel as we know it could not and would not be the same if one of them was in a perceived woman's body. Their interactions would have been vastly different, and thus in my head it's impossible to conceptualize.

Supernatural is also very much a story about the deconstruction of toxic masculinity while maintaining masculinity through a queer lens. This is its own separate topic that I actually have been wanting to make a post about for awhile now (in part because over-feminization of their characters in fandom, especially in ways that lead to apply ill-fitting repression narratives to Dean's canon, can miss several points about this). Those masculinity themes are so centralized because of Dean and Cas' romance and the fact that they are two men. There is significance there, both historically and culturally.

So while maybe Cas would or could identify as non-binary... It doesn't seem like a viewpoint he is particularly aligned with, and it also doesn't feel like a significant element at play in this queer love story. That makes me tip towards saying it's not a huge factor in discussions of exact readings or terminology for Cas' canonical sexuality/identity.

As a side note: to a certain extent, I also find it interesting to contemplate how some of their miscommunication in-narrative maybe extends into the idea that Dean is attracted to women and Cas seems not to be. More than once, Dean tries to bond with Cas through ~typical male~ interests, such as when he takes him to a strip club. Dean being bi doesn't mean he avoids having heteronormativity on the brain lol, and that sort of thing in his experience is usually quick-and-easy guy bonding time, especially in hunting culture. But while Cas learns how to be human in a metaphorical sense from the Winchesters' examples in several ways (both the good and the bad habits/lessons), something he can't/doesn't pick up is attraction to women or how to act on or express that sort of attraction, because it just doesn't seem innate to him. So while Dean and Cas are certainly both queer, to me they exhibit different forms of queer experiences (bi and gay) in characteristics and in story and in coding that add a layer to their dynamic. It's a little bit of a difference between them that they maybe don't know how to awkwardly address with each other, because they often don't fucking communicate, and I can see it contributing to Dean wondering if / how much Cas has capacity to "feel that way"... making him think Cas maybe doesn't reciprocate his desire. Because they're both stupid.

Anyway! Anyway.

Back to the main points:

Let me summarize.

I personally don't think Cas is attracted to women, and that the story points to him going through a journey of learning that about himself as he grows into himself over time. The queercoding in connection to him, such as it is, also rings of being gay coding. Considering we see him primarily or solely so strongly interested in Dean, an argument/hypothesis for him being demi doesn't feel off the mark. And I don't think the question of angelic gender is super relevant to what canon points to in this discussion for Cas specifically, because I do think the m/m nature of Destiel is relevant to their story and dynamic with each other, and by later seasons at minimum Cas is seemingly comfortably "a man" (perhaps even more so than an ambiguously gendered Being).

Is there a stronger or more persuasive argument to be made about the specifics of Cas' sexuality in canon? I'd be open to hearing it, of course, but I just kind of doubt any other argument would be convincing enough to change my mind when factoring in all of the story elements at play.

However. All of this being said:

I would certainly not call an umbrella use of the word "queer" wrong for Cas. I think it is, in fact, very applicable! For one thing, the word "queer" in this instance effectively encompasses a combined gay and demi reading, as an example. For another thing, it's an understandable hat tip that simplifies his various complexities as an angel. It works.

I'm also not die-on-this-hill militant about the use of the word "gay" for Cas because I'm cognizant of how things are not 100% clearcut with him. I do not say this to negate my own analysis, but rather because I can acknowledge the truth of this particular situation. While I do think the above full picture kind of adds up to him being specifically gay, this is an instance where there is room for nuance within it and giving grace to–dare I say it–"interpretations." I personally don't really agree with or particularly feel comfortable considering him bi or pan specifically, given all the factors at play; but it doesn't overtly upset me that others do. For example, he did indeed have sex with April as a human, and I find I can't get mad at people who choose to take his interest in that moment 100% at face value, especially considering the fact that what I view to be his overall "gay arc" certainly has subtlety and room for subjectivity in it.

In conclusion,

I don't know if this post answers all your questions, anon. I don't know if it will help you or make you feel bad for some reason, though I certainly hope it's the former rather than the later! And I apologize for the length, but you touched on a lot of different branches in your message, and I'm nothing if not someone who maps out a whole fucking tree when asked to lmfaaaoooo.

Thank you for your patience as this post took me WAY too long to complete smh. Like what the hell, truly. You're a star, I love ya, and for what little it's worth I do infer that lots of people in fandom (perhaps even Misha) use "gay" as an umbrella word in reference to Cas. (I am sympathetic to your plight if that makes you feel weird though; it's not the same situation by any means, but I will share that I'm suspicious of people who call Dean "gay" even flippantly at this point, because nowadays I don't trust that shit lmao)

Send me thoughts and prayers because the "e" key on my laptop's keyboard has started periodically sticking and it's been driving me insane while working on writing this.

#castiel #supernatural #castiel meta #gay cas #?¿? #this is long enough it warrants tags. fuck it #anonymous #asks #char writes things #spn meta #destiel

[enconfess]

If im honest really (as a fan of enstars since EN first release and have caught up with a few JP events except for like the super recent ones), I found most of the event stories and main story stuff uninteresting or just overall a headache to go through. Most of the time (through both official and fan translated) they would get me shaking my head asking "what the heck is going on??",or the story drags around that it feels both frustrating and just too boring for my brain to be able focus even, and just as I thought its gotta get better they will usually have some lame conclusion monologue going on that either my monkey brain is unintellectual to understand what's going or maybe its the writers are like that idk Im happy to see the pretty cgs though.

I would very much rather have someone summarize the stories to me even if it sacrifice for inaccuracies and biases. Ok here's an example, Antique Legends? The only thing I remember from the story is the fun interactions within Hokuto and his dad, which may be due to my bias with Hokuto but really that was the only truly entertaining part to me.

Speaking of characters I really don't care about character depth at all all I wanna see is them being cute in those little idol stories cause idol stories (yes I mean those short stories that are mostly like one - two chapter long) and scout stories are really what I look forward to the most personally cause they aren't over the top complicated or draggy like event stories and main stories, its not to say they are boring no in fact they are way more entertaining cause they make things that may seem so simple and mundane to something fun and also I love seeing them in wacky events too.

Also yes I did mention being a HokutoP though I would say I'm more of an overall drama clubP with other characters I like such as Aira and Naruchan (love calling her that personally) (and also I love every character in their many uniqueness and to be fair its just the bias demons that posses me). Now what do these guys have to do with this post? well to bring point that I know absolutely nothing about their 'complex sides' other than that they are sweet angels to me and I love seeing them in cute and funny situations, and guess what I still appreciate seeing them and hell I own a Wataru nui (planning to get a hokke one too soon) because even though yaydadad the whole war thing and his 'masks' I personally find him super fun even if I'm aware that he may just be putting on an act (plus I also have a mini white party dress for him that I make him wear whenever I went to anything fancy like my when I went to see my cousin perform on a orchestra concert).

To bring my final point I personally think that enstars best strength or interest for me is the idol / scout stories because even with their cookie cutter like surface layer personalities they manage to even be more memorable and overall fun to read. Oh and stories aside I adore most of the cards although they get bland sometimes and most of the songs are pretty good in my opinion love trickster songs muah. Anyhow thats just how I feel like enjoying the game and to be fair I prefer to enjoy it alone rather than to have a mutual around cause ye I'm that those type people who enjoy being alone and find a lot of people to be a waste of a space personally, well I have a lot in my mind currently as per usual but they most aren't enstars related so for now imma really stop myself here right now though I may come back here for more confessions idk depends on me I guess (I will also be surprised if you read through this entire thing and if you do thank you and may God bless you my good friend).

.

#ec.sub #enstars #ensemble stars #hokuto hidaka

[ann-admirer]

A Submissive relationship without Sex 1

This is a topic I was discussing a few months ago with a small group I meet with sometimes. I had some back and forth with @faithfulbriefly in return for something I wrote for his blog. The topic died away and has recently come alive again in my group, so I thought I would post a few of the "conclusions". Really, just general feelings that I am summarizing. First - news flash - the general agreement among everyone involved in the topic, both my face-to-face group and here on Tumblr, was that yes, it is possible to have a submissive relationship without sex. What form this would take varied quite widely, with most people thinking as follows, and I'll post about these topic in subsequent posts: (1) it could only happen with someone you trusted and knew pretty well. Without that it wouldn't work. (2) you would need to understand very well what's involved, including what normally happens in a sexual D/s relationship (not that you could even say there is a "typical" D/s relationship. More on that. (3) Discipline would have to be a key part of it. What this means might vary between the two people, but nearly everyone (including me and @faithfulbriefly here on Tumblr) agreed that percussion would be the necessary form of discipline. There were good explanations of the necessity of discipline in a D/s relationship - discipline understood broadly. (4) Sexual responses were to be expected in the relationship, but those responses would have to be either ignored or just lived with. General agreement was that Domination and submission are going primal impulses, fundamental and instinctive, and to ban them would probably mean every such relationship would be cancelled on the first visit. More about this later, because it's a key topic.(5) It could still be a very rewarding and fulfilling experience, intense and meaningful. Very much so. Although a few people said it would be more fun with sex. Well yes. There were a few other topics that I might get to, but this is enough for a start. I'll tag these posts with #thoughts so they are easy to find, along with my other thoughts.

#thoughts

[yoodokjas]

Hello! I am that anon about the recent post. Sorry I wasn't clear about it. I meant if singnshong is lgbtq phobic or not. To be honest I always thought the queerbait was unintentional and that queerbait is not something to be used with joongdok because they seem to be very queer coded characters and it's not like they have shown any interest to the opposite gender in story either and I have read that article and it seemed to me like they were just trying to not get further hated on(by dudebros and bl fans) which is valid because it's on the fans to consume what they like and they have no right to send death threats to any author . I have seen somebody say Singnshong wrote all those jd scenes for cashgrab. I don't agree with that tbh because jd scenes seem to line up perfectly well with the story unlike the ACTUAL queerbait scenes which seem out of place in other medias. Would love to know your thoughts on this.

i used the word queerbait more as an umbrella term than anything else. tbh you summarized the situation pretty well. i rmbr someone sending me an ask a few months ago asking if singshong hate jd ship bcs of the ebook changes and my answer was no i dont think they do cuz they're not opposed to it in the end hence the "interpret the ship and the ending however you want as long as you dont mis-label the novel"

ur right on the (kdj and yjh dont have love interests in the end) too ofc and i hate how ppl use yjh's relationship with lsh as a gotcha bcs not only did they not have a romantic relationship after the 2nd regression but that means that their relationship was never shown in ways of survival either bcs the novel started from the 3rd regression (a turn in which yjh most likely had lsh killed bcs she was a villain and he couldn't save her) and kinda funny that whoever insists on their relationship never seems to care about lsh's side of things but sure whatever let's use female characters as nothing but ship fodder ig

#ask #orv

[bidokja]

So I've been re-reading ORV recently, and I've been paying attention to the whole 'allegory for trauma' thing you mentioned that one time, which is SUPER well supported by the text. I was wondering, though... were you referring specifically to Kdj? Because I think that Yjh's regressions are an important part of the whole allegory. WoS still happens in the timeline- he cannot change the past, but he tries to do so with his regressions. There's more to it, but the char. limit :(

No, you're absolutely correct, and I was in fact referring to ORV as a whole being one big allegory for trauma (of various kinds). AND recovery! It is very important to me to emphasize that it is both.

Of course, Kim Dokja being the POV and main character means that most of this allegory is delivered through and/or tied to him; especially since he is not just an allegory for trauma but is A Traumatized Character. This means I talk about his part in the allegory a lot. Even Yoo Joonghyuk's regression itself originates from Kim Dokja. It's all connected. However, pretty much every aspect of ORV can be analyzed from this angle, not just Kim Dokja as an individual. In my mind it's less that "this is one possible angle of analyzing/reading ORV" and more that "this is the intended motif of ORV."

Of course it is not the ONLY possible reading of ORV, nor is trauma the only major allegory and motif that ORV has to offer, but I do think that any reading that doesn't take this allegory into account is missing the quintessential thing that makes ORV the story that it is.

I've talked about this allegory of trauma and recovery a lot; you can probably find multiple posts mentioning it by just casually scrolling through my #orv and #mine tags. I oftentimes repeat myself about the points that stick out to me most. Here's some more (summarized) thoughts of mine about what I am calling The Cycle Break Reading of ORV:

Obviously, the upfront and non-allegorical forms of trauma presented in the novel itself: familial, societal, childhood, economic, violent, sexual, etc.

The seemingly cyclical yet inversed nature of the novel's beginning and ending. Trauma and recovery.

Adding to that, the fact that Samsara - the literal cycle of Samsara - is such a huge and recurring thing in ORV which Kim Dokja pointedly defies or breaks at every opportunity (even when it is not directly referenced as Samsara, like with Biyoo). I feel like this one is a bat to the head with how blunt it is, though admittedly I don't know enough about the intricacies of Buddhism to provide anything deeper than that.

The similarly blunt takeaway about how money and the systems surrounding it can be majorly traumatizing, divisive, and dehumanizing to us all.

The differences between reading a story, playing out a story, and writing a story and how they function as different methods of handling one's trauma.

The aspect of who is and isn't a character, and who becomes a character or escapes from being a character, and how these each tie to and/or affect Kim Dokja are crucial to the trauma allegory.

Stories (and scenarios) overall often being delivered as a very direct allegory for a cycle of trauma that one is stuck in and cannot escape from.

Only being able to break out of these cycles when multiple people are involved in the effort. Finding new meaning when reading it again, together. Healing through interconnection.

Regression being much of the same, and the significance of Yoo Joonghyuk choosing to shift away from that and adopting a new stigma. Again, trauma progressing to recovery. (NOTE: there is another major angle to Regression in ORV, which I will get to in one of the later points).

The Outer Gods (and Avatars as well) being a metaphor for parts of ourselves that - consciously or no - we deny rather than embrace as a form of self-defense, and how this can end up harming us overall.

Outer Gods also representing not only aspects of individual trauma, but all those affected by societal trauma. Those who are forgotten and abused and failed by our biased societal systems. Those who are cut out to maintain a status quo.

The 4th Wall, Avatars, and Kim Dokja's face censorship all coming across as various forms/aspects of dissociation.

Maybe it's just me, but I think Avatars are one of the most poignantly pointed representations of DID I have ever seen. You could view them as a representation of non-dissociative compartmentalization of trauma but like. Why.

Kim Dokja's reaction to The Oldest Dream being reflective of the harsh criticism and blame that trauma victims often hold for their past selves.

On the flipside fot hat point: the uncovering of truth within ourselves being a tipping point in the process of potential recovery.

The raw fact that Kim Dokja is a suicidal person. Present tense. His multiple deaths throughout the series are reflective of this continued suicidality. Like everything else, these deaths are also occuring within the dream of The Oldest Dream. On multiple levels, this is Kim Dokja committing suicide in a perpetual cycle.

However, it is crucial that we acknowledge the flipside of this suicidality: Kim Dokja's stigma is what made Yoo Joonghyuk into a regressor. Yoo Joonghyuk - who is both literally and figuratively an ideal version of a person for Kim Dokja to project onto as a self-defense mechanism - is someone who cannot die. He is someone who must live.

Continued from that: In the end, Kim Dokja himself chooses to live. We do not have to see him beyond those hospital doors to know this is true. In fact, I think not seeing him is proof that he escaped his own "story" of trauma. He is no longer bound to the pages. We don't need to see him anymore. He's okay. We're okay.

The act of choosing each other being vital to mutual healing, and how this plays an especially strong role in the epilogues.

This list is already very long and it's only a fraction of everything that ties into The Cycle Break Reading of ORV. But yeah. Many thoughts...god I love ORV.

#orv #mine #suicide mention #ask to tag #fun drinking game take a shot every time i say allegory in this post

[bettsfic]

craft essay a day #5

my response to this one maybe derailed a little.

"On Imagination" by Mary Ruefle

beginner | intermediate | advanced | masterclass 

filed under: process, poetry

summary

first i must describe to you the physical object that is this essay:

it is a chapbook (published by Sarabande Books, an indie poetry press i really admire), which means it is more or less a staple-bound pamphlet. there is a goat on the cover. inside, on each even-numbered page, is a picture: an ocean wave, a lettuce leaf, the night sky, a bed, 3 fish, a bird in a tree, a pie, 4 dyed eggs, a human ribcage, grass, trees, a slug, and the goat that is on the cover, whose presence permeates the essay.

on the back of the chapbook, instead of blurbs, there is a quote in very small font:

"My imagination was roaming at sunset and placed his bare foot on a blade of withered grass, which ran into it like a thorny needle, and injured him."

this quote appears not to be attributed, which makes me think i should know what it's from, and i don't.

Ruefle has a collection of essays called Madness, Rack, & Honey (published by Wave Books, another great poetry press) which is one of my favorite craft books and i highly recommend it. it'll be a while before i summarize the chapters, though, since i only recently finished reading it.

i've been lucky enough to attend several of her lectures, and although i got a lot out of them, when i go back and look at my notes, they are utterly indecipherable:

partly this is because, as you can see, my handwriting is not legible. but it's also partly because this particular lecture was kinda bonkers. i've been waiting for her to publish it in written form but i don't think she has yet. "Hell's Bells" is my second favorite of her lectures (Ruefle's lectures and essays are one and the same), my favorite being "On Fear" which i'm sure i'll write about in a future post.

still laughing at "does the artist...become time?" with the star beside it (which in my notes always indicates an Action Item, so in 2018 i clearly intended to Do Something about becoming time). also "put a hole in meaning - give space, aerate?" then in pink, "(how?)" i also apparently intended to Do Something about "Beginning of universe was striking of tremendous bell."

another lecture of hers i attended was a recreation of John Cage's "Lecture on Nothing," and i am ashamed to say that it took me so, so long to realize it was literally a lecture on nothing. i wrote like 3 pages of notes and about a half hour in, i flipped through the pages and realized literally nothing of substance was being said. and i was furious. like, why am i wasting my time here? and i realized i was supposed to be having a reaction to it, and thinking about the nature of the concept of a lecture at a creative writing workshop, and what am i even doing here, etc.

in retrospect, that spoke well to the "Hell's Bells" lecture, which, for me, was all about how listening is sometimes just about hearing, and not trying to make meaning of all that we hear. as someone with an audio processing problem who has to attend a lot of readings and can't understand a word of them, it made me feel a lot better. like i could attend a reading just to appreciate the voice of the writer (which Ruefle likened to a bell), and not what's being said.

at the end of the lecture on nothing, Ruefle took questions, and responded to each of them with the answers provided in the original lecture. it was quite a time.

back to "On Imagination."

in any Ruefle essay/lecture, there is not much to summarize because they function more or less as poems: each is a series of thoughts or anecdotes on a general topic, and never firmly declare their point. however, on the first page, she does make a pretty big declaration:

"I am going to tell you now, before I begin, what my conclusion is to my thoughts on the imagination: I believe there is no difference between thinking and imagining, and that they are one."

to me, that's the kind of statement that's so simple it seems almost meaningless, but i know if i consider it long enough, i'll reach a deeper conclusion about it. since i finished reading this essay 37 minutes ago, i have no such deeper conclusion as of yet.

i appreciate that on page one, she also points out that thought is only ever an interpretation of reality, and words exist only to conjure meaning in the imagination. when a person says the word "tree" to another person, the recipient of that word can mentally conclude or conjure the object that is a tree. we can always refer to a tree, but in speaking it or thinking it, it does not become real.

she declares that imagination is not necessarily good; imagining things can hurt us as equally as help us, and we don't really have control of it.

"...the imagination has its own life and its own autonomy, the imagination is not what you play with, the imagination plays with you."

she introduces an anecdote in which a poet, after a reading, is asked, "is that a real poem, or did you make it up?" and concludes her point with a fact that punched me right in the face:

"Real things are made things."

she goes on to talk about an elementary school reading primer from 1880, Ukranian dyed eggs, Johnny Cash, a misinterpretation of the bible by Keats, and a goat in Emily Dickenson's attic. each of these, somehow, connect and make sense, yet i cannot attempt to do so in a (not so) brief summary.

"Imagination, deep in each of us, can give us what we need and want, that which we dream of, the reality of love and communion, help in our tired loneliness."

yeah :(

she notes that many believe some people have more imagination than others, and that's why there are artists and not-artists, but she claims we all have the same amount of imagination; it's just that some of us don't discriminate between "imaginative and unimaginative acts" and that paying close attention to the mundane "paradoxically opens a new door to the imaginative."

i am having trouble figuring out how the end of the essay is about imagination. she talks about how, in her old age, she feels isolated in her interests, and that because she has a limited future, she's only motivated to dwell in the present.

"All I can tell you is that at long last I am myself and free, even if isolated, and I am happy when I want to be and sad when I feel like it, and about the only thing that troubles me is knowing how many people on earth do not have that privilege...and to these I bow and for these I pray."

my thoughts

this got kind of personal, so i'm putting it under a cut.

i rated this essay advanced, not because i think it's hard to understand, but that it goes beyond the work of beginner and intermediate essays, which focus primarily on mechanics and concepts and how to get the work down on paper. this essay makes no real claim about writing, and i imagine wouldn't help anyone looking for advice on how to write.

a few days ago i wrote about Smiley's introduction in 13 Ways to Look at the Novel. that, coupled with the Ruefle essay, have fucked me up a little. in Smiley's intro, she talks about how she always had one foot in the fictional worlds of her novels at the cost of her presence in reality. in Ruefle's essay, she talks about the uncontrollability of imagination. i've never considered myself a creative person; i think in expected patterns and can't really devise anything truly novel. that's why i consider myself more a teacher than a writer--i'm better at fostering creativity in others than developing it in myself. i am, however, an imaginative person. i never stop imagining. i'm so imaginative that existing in reality is sometimes unbearable. even things that make me happy--seeing my family, hanging out with friends, reading a book--come second to dwelling (drowning?) in my imagination. i have to pry myself away to go do those things. when i'm really into something i'm working on, i can write over 10k in a day. i can write from the second i wake up at 9am to the moment, usually at 3am or so, my brain can no longer make clear sentences, stopping only throughout to eat a spoonful of peanut butter and maybe reply to a text.

these are the kinds of days i live for. they make me truly happy. and yet there's such an enormous cost to them: i'm beginning to have hand problems, and i have so little control of writing that i can't force myself to stop and let it heal (i did upgrade to an ergonomic keyboard and mouse but they're not helping as much as i'd hoped); i'm no nutritionist, but i'm pretty sure 3 tablespoons of peanut butter a day and walking fewer than 100 steps is not particularly healthy; and big picture, i want to get married and have kids, and that's not going to happen if i'm spending all my time in my imagination with fictional characters getting married and having kids. and if i somehow against all odds do get married and have kids, will i be able to be fully present with them, or will i always in the state i am now, counting down the seconds when i can escape reality and return to the peace of my own head?

i think this is a conflict i'll always have, because ultimately i'm writing work i'm proud of to an audience that (i hope) appreciates it. writing and being read is the greatest privilege i can imagine. but i'm also always thinking about my dad, who died at 59 after enduring years of agonizing pain and a lifetime of trauma and depression, and how he never got to do a fraction of the things he wanted. i imagine myself at the same age less than 30 years from now with the same fate, if i am even so lucky to make it to that far. i'm in this between space of the hopefulness of being young, of the gross entitlement of believing things will keep getting better for me; and the hopelessness of ptsd, the kernel of doubt that remains even after so long in recovery, that joy and success are never owed to me. rationally i know both of these to be true, that there will be some good and some bad, and whatever happens will never turn out as i expect. and yet that doesn't abate the conflict or quell the fear that the conflict creates.

it is probably a bad idea to write about my deepest fears and insecurities on a blog with thousands of followers. it's easy to be misinterpreted and taken out of context. honesty is totally antithetical to branding or gaining a following. and yet i think i'd rather be known than not. i think i'd always prefer to take a risk in the hope of being understood.

i'm sorry i have no conclusions or advice or anything helpful to say here. but imagination is a big thing. it's the biggest thing. in allowing us the power to interpret and create, it might be the only thing.

craft essay a day tag | cross-posted on AO3 | ask me something

#cead #process #poetry

[tyrantisterror]

Jurassic World: Dominion is the biggest, loudest, dumbest Jurassic World movie yet

Ok not really, but almost!  When I was through the first half of this one I felt pretty confident it would out-stupid Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, but the second half managed to pull it from that brink just slightly, allowing Fallen Kingdom to keep its crown as the dumbest Jurassic franchise film of all time.  But do not fear: Jurassic World: Dominion is still dumb.

So, like, tangent time - a lot of negative reviews about the Jurassic franchise have this stock criticism of “every movie is just people trapped on an island with dinosaurs.”  And I think that’d bad criticism for a couple of reasons.  First, lots of movie series look same-y if you describe them in reductive terms like that, but for some reason monster movies seem to be the only ones that get raked over the coals for it.  I could just as easily and accurately summarize every superhero movie as “people in costumes punch each other,” but that doesn’t stop Hollywood from making fifty of them every month and critics from giving them decent to glowing reviews for bringing a “fresh” take to the genre.

Second, the most recent Jurassic World movies are very much NOT “just” people trapped on an island with dinosaurs - while the second half of each sequel has a setpiece of people trapped in a space with dinosaurs, the first half of them consists of a bunch of stupid shit where the writers desperately try to figure out what to do when people AREN’T trapped with dinosaurs, and that’s where these movies get REALLY dumb.  Maybe “people trapped on dinosaur island” is this series’ lane, and maybe they should be allowed to stay there.

Ok, tangent done.

The writing, editing, and directing is bad in this movie - moreso in the first half, as the second half picks up in all three of those elements, but it’s still never what I’d call good.  There are sporadic moments of quality, mainly carried by the actors and the spectacle, but, like, we gotta stop letting Colin Trevorrow do movies, guys.  He’s not good at it.

Jeff Goldblum, Laura Dern, and Sam Neil are all fantastic actors, and while they’re not good enough to keep you from realizing a lot of their lines are badly written and their scenes abruptly edited in a way that is REALLY distracting (especially in the first half), because no human can work miracles, they are good enough to bring a lot of charm and charisma regardless of the material, and it helps that the clearly remember how these characters were written under Spielberg and bring little touches and subtleties in their performances that Colin Trevorrow wouldn’t have thought to ask for.  Also, like, holy shit these three aged like wine, goddamn, if you’re into milfs and/or dilfs this is your jam, good lord

I think the second half of the movie works because it focuses more on the original JP trio than it does on the odious leads of  the previous two Jurassic World movies, which is good because Claire Dearing is an inconsistently written mess of a character and Owen Grady is... possibly one of my least favorite characters in fiction?  Like damn, “guy who domesticates dinosaurs” is what I wanted to be when I grew up and somehow I hate this character with a passion, good job Colin.

There’s a couple of corporate characters introduced in this movie (sorta - Dodgson technically was in the first film, but he was in it so little and had none of the character traits he does here, so it might as well be his first movie in the franchise) that I actually found pretty compelling.  Dodgson is kind of a relief because he’s not a sneering, over-the-top villain like the previous Jurassic World movie bad guys, but rather a more realistic, awkward “human lives are just statistics in an equation that makes me money” style corporate villain, and the actor playing him does an excellent job selling it.  He’s evil in the vein of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, and I like that.  His second in command is a really interesting character too, possibly the best written character in the whole movie, and to say more would unfortunately spoil some things, but still, worth noting.

But enough about humans!  Dinosaurs!  That’s what this is all about in the end, after all.  How are the dinosaurs?

Well, much better than in Fallen Kingdom, thank god!  I mean, that’s a low fucking bar to clear, but still.  The carnivores are no longer self-destructively murderous!  They value their lives over committing wanton acts of slaughter!  It’s a small thing, I suppose, but it’s something Fallen Kingdom fucked up royally, so my joy is indescribable!

Even the Giga more or less acts like just a big, territorial predator.  Yes, despite Colin Trevorrow’s inexplicable and utterly bonkers fucking statement about the Giga being Heath Ledger’s The Joker’s Scalysona, the Giganotosaurus is presented as just a big predator who wants food.  Low bar to clear, but we cleared it!

Blue and Rexy, the only likable characters to appear in every Jurassic World movie, have diminished roles in this one, but they get some satisfying emotional moments, and that’s nice.

All that said... I’m lowkey annoyed that this movie’s writing made me kinda dislike tropes I’m normally a slut for.  There’s a big monster fight at the end of this movie, and, like... it was not earned.  The first Jurassic World, for its many faults, properly set up its big monster fight, and that fight was the natural climax of its story.  It was earned.  Here the big monster fight comes after the story is pretty much wrapped up, tacked on as if it was something the studio exec’s demanded at the last minute.  It’s not set up and has no weight, and so it felt... pointless.

And if I, a person who wrote two fucking books where there’s a big monster fight in almost every chapter, think the big monster fight at the end of your movie was unnecessary and unengaging, that’s a bad sign, right?

But it’s fun.  It’s dumb, but it’s enjoyably dumb, like a Friday the 13th movie or an Andrew WK song.  And there’s some lovely spectacle of dinosaurs in the modern world that, to date, you really can’t get anywhere else, and the novelty of that is enough to make my inner child happy.  So, if you’re in the mood for big, dumb fun with dinosaurs, this is for you.

#Jurassic World #Jurassic World: Dominion

[humanmorph]

C/W 06-09 thoughts : ]

Boy this took me a bit!!! I made the post for the first set of episodes on August 12. I said then I should take more notes while listening, & I think I in fact took LESS notes. edit: and wrote... more??? ok.whatever

Summary (short)

There's a food crisis. Orth gets kidnapped! The Chime gets an automated message to find him and they track him down to some train tracks where the train Orth was on (with a food delivery) got derailed. They get in a really long fight some people from a group called the Iron Choir (they have Orth!) and also some Apostolosians (only really due to bad phrasing on AuDy's part) . And then don't really win but do get away with Orth, so everything's fine I guess?

(more on faction game down below. too much happens in those to summarize here.)

Ground Game

This is the second (and last!) arc they play using MechNoir. I only just started the episode where they switch the characters over to The Sprawl, and I'm counting that towards the next bunch of episodes rather than this one... Anyways, this arc is like a good argument for that switch. It kind of stands out as a "oh they switch after this, right?" thing now. BUT!

The fight was honestly not as much of a slog as I remembered. Like they've done wayyy better fights since ofc especially with mechs (for me personally PZN is still the standout but PAL has had some Good Shit too) but this is like. It's ok! There's fun bits! I like Aria's mech! Part of it might absolutely be that I like. Give a fuck about mechs now and as a result am able to also imagine them better. I think in 2021, when I first listened, I was like. I guess there's Big Robots. Like transformers? (isn't even familiar with transformers) (really doesn't have a touchpoint for this at all)

I liked the snooping around bit before they got to this 2 episode long fight. I already mentioned it in an earlier post briefly, but we learn some minor details about Orth (they are looking through his office), that now really delight me because I love Orth! But when I first listened I don't think I cared very much at all about him at this point. This time around, his and AuDy's relationship intrigues me expecially with how Jack has been playing them.

Player character update...: AuDy is still my favourite. I still don't quite know what to do with Cass, but maybe I'll get there soon? Mako's funny. Though, and I thought I posted about this? But I can't find it now, an arc this episode also brings the morality of fogging robots onscreen for a bit. AuDy's upset by it. I think the notion of the robot he fogs getting more sentient is interesting...? Expecially if you draw a connection to what gives Mako the ability to do it in the first place. ... I won't say more here because I'm not actually sure but it's definitly running via Rightenousness a little bit, right? No clue if those facts are actually connected or not though. Uhm. I like Aria : ). Not many notes there so far, pretty much just the same stuff I said last time (I'm paying more attention to her where I feel like I hadn't as much on my first listen due to Ali being a little more reserved as a player this early on).

Further up I already talked about the switch to The Sprawl & I know the reasons and agree. however. I do think it's fun when they come up with adjectives, even if it messed with the pacing a bit because it took some time to do well. There's still a bit of this with other games they play later, too, like naming risks in Armor Astir or... whatever it was called to take something in Scum & Villainy (I recently relistened to the bit where Gig gets crushed and blown up and is VERY upset by it. It's still very funny).

Another thing I'm noticing more is that I'm occasionally a bit wonky on the factions, even super major ones ( OriCon vs. the Diaspora). I think it's because I didn't listen to the worldbuilding ep... I remember it having pretty rough audio (though probably not worse than that epispde of AiH where you couldn't hear Art at all), and also I skipped it back when I first listened, too (I'd bounced off before. I feel like I've mentioned this). It made some stuff in these episodes a bit hard to keep track of, expecially talking about the food crisis, and who is affected, and who is blamed, etc. (& I very much enjoyed all that! Like oh! We're getting into it now! Space factions and their politics and their effect on the world our characters move in! This rules. Friends at the Table rules)

Faction Game

Sylvi is so ON it with the faction game it's crazy. The other day while listening I remembered this was her first season on the show, like... damn!!! Just a ton of great ideas. It's really fun seeing them all be so enthusiastic about this.

Really good and fun faction game. I'm enjoying these a ton. A lot of my favourite scenes (or very memorable ones) from my first listen is faction game stuff, so I knew I'd like it, but I'm like REALLY really enjoying it. I've already said this in my other post, but I'm pretty sure it's due to the fact I can pay attention better & parse information.

It's a real big one too with a ton stuff getting set up. RIGOUR, Ibex, the Hands of Grace (hi Vicuna), some first September Institute stuff (like how fogging works!), and Loyalty gets introduced in that episode (hi Kobus, also). A lot of Divines, really! I'll get to this very big and important thing first: Rigour getting dug up!!! I totally didn't remember Austin immediately namedrops it at the end of the episode, lol. That probably wouldn't happen now, but these early seasons are more. informal? just less produced? And I really don't dislike it, it's simply a different vibe. And I'm liking it. (The rough-ish audio is also part of it IMO. Love to hear the static white noise if a mediocre mic under their voices.) I do still really like that scene though. Very effective. The image of a worker getting out of his mech to dig the last bit with his hands... It's good shit. Also just. RIGOUR. It maybe even hits more this second time around, because I know just What has been uncovered here and the consequences it will have.

Another is Ibex getting introduced! Hi!!!! : ) Apparently he's something called a "seductress" (or well. seductor) in the games rules, which I extremely forgot and made me laugh when I heard it. And then they proceed to come up with pretty much his whole deal, which Austin's performance is gonna finetune & shape more later on. I'm just excited! I like this guy! (Something I'm trying to do more this time around is take notes to look stuff up later, like what animals the Candidates are named after. I didn't do this for Ibex until sometime last year! Cool animal.)

This faction game also has the first appearance of Diego Rose who I have in mind as sort of Sylvi's special little guy? He's a pretty important guy in the faction that she plays, so I'm just gonna assume he'll show up way more in the future. But really I just loved that scene of him offering a prisoner they took after he shot their ships down to join the Odama Fleet while also threatening him. And he's soooo cunty about it it's so funny to me. Great job.

Tacking this on the end here: I had to look up the summary on the fatt.wiki because it's really been a while since I started this ep vs. finishing it, and this is like the first scene they play through. (The new season got in the way...!) But yeah this episode also has Grace's first real major appearance (& her Candidates, Vicuna). And it's a great scene! I think it's the first Divine onscreen? And showing one's influence on people ("People in the crowd, some of them begin crying and wailing. It is a religious experience for many."). It's good shit!!! I love Divines!!! They've never stopped being cool as fuck as a concept and there really wasn't a point when they weren't. It's just SO good and it'll only ever get pushed further and in even more interesting directions. And it's nice to be back here, at the start.

????

This is neither here nor there. Not anywhere really. But at some point Jack says "no that's undertale" (I didn't note down what about.) %& it really threw me for some reason like ik the years match up. But I just have C/W in mind as like... ages ago... (it was) and Undertale. Is Undertale. /I/ played Undertale! And that wasn't ages ago (lie) (it was)! Like I was probably playing Undertale when they made this season! Strange to think about.

Grace's arrival(?)

I want to try and draw a little image for each of these sets (though this one took me a bit longer than I would've liked). Here's Grace('s feet, because she's so big) and the sculpture park on Gemm

I'm not actually sure why (I don't think it gets mentioned in the episode???) but I've always imagined that planet (Gemm) as like, really foggy. Maybe because fog + ruined statue park looks really cool? + Graces light through the fog? Yeah, I don't know. The park is also empty here, when of course there's a whole parade and stuff in the episode, but this is just an image (an approximation of it.) I have in my head...

#i wrote the most on the faction game bc i finished the last few mins Today. and listened to about half yesterday #counterweightposting #i like counterweightblogging better it sounds more right but for the sake of being consistent..... #i structured this but I don't know if I'll keep that. though it does look nice!

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP5. Replay Part 4

I think this is the first console animation I really like, I think a lot of the other ones look kind of cheap and make the screen look busy. But her sword animation's pretty cool.

Ok yeah, Battler is going along with exposing her life but doesn't appreciate how everyone is trying to drag her through the mud, it seems. The fight beforehand had some cool music and moments I just didn't comment on it much bc a lot was defining of the mystery rules which, well, we already know the answer.

Haha.... Beatrice realizes Battler is going to fight for the illusion of the witch :).

....white horse haha. The white horse discussion being brought back again when Battler starts arguing for the witch side again is a neat detail, he's finally trying to understand Beatrice for real.

You could also argue that the fact Natsuhi has been noted to clean thoroughly to check for mistakes was foreshadowed all the way back on episode 2! Also the way people describe Dlanor as heartless, a doll, etc kind of makes me sad lol. They obviously don't have full context but she's anything but that.

Uh, I didn't save the draft properly so a bunch of screens got lost and so I will just summarize my thoughts on the following scenes rather quickly. The scene of Battler and Dlanor in the garden is really nice, it is obviously Battler kind of navigating through his more complex thoughts about magic he has gotten recently through learning Dlanor has her own conflicted view of magic, and I think the way he isn't hostile to Dlanor and instead assures her that what is in her heart matters is showing the growth Battler has done in understanding under. This scene generally sets the mood for how we should view magic for the rest of the answers arc. Dlanor then teases that Battler was let win, which brings me to the next subject, Erika. Erika was given some verbal abuse by LambdaBern because of losing (despite the fact she was made to lose, intentionally, by the people berating her) and so Erika goes on to abuse her subordinates in retaliation, which I think really does go on to show Erika is someone that can be empathized with. So much of the cast are people who throw their own abuse and frustrations into the others, and Erika also does this. It is kind of sad to me when the game remarks how she can't see love, how can she see love when it has never been afforded to her? I wasn't a particularly big fan of her at first reading, but it's hard to not read her as someone desperate for the approval of someone who was never gonna give it to her and so she lashes out to others. The game even directly points out Bernkastel is like a mother to her before she gets abused.

The letter mystery is discussed a lot, and Erika has some pretty good theories, I really like the hidden below the food tray one particularly, but obviously, since the event never happened it can get struck down. They end up concluding no one outside and no one inside could have made a knock, so if no one could have done that, it just did not happen. Lambdadelta fucks with Erika some more despite the fact she also doesn't really seem to have a clue. And Erika once again becomes desperate and decides to get revenge on Battler this time.

So she just kind of rants at everyone about how Batler didn't actually jump and just crawled, no one really cares bc they imagined it was a trick and it doesn't really matter and are just really confused at Erika zeroing at this. Bernkastel then LITERALLY tries to strike down Erika with thunder and Erika is so desperate for approval she assume this is a sign of approval from Bern.... someone save this girl.

Virgilia pops in at... inboard meta and confirms that the corpses were dragged somewhere they describe as "connected to the world but that no one can get to" which I think is a hint that Kuwadaorian, and Erika can't reasonably go there. Virgilia drops some truths about how no one would mistake their corpses from sight, which is true as they weren't corpses yet and once they became corpses no one can mistake them. They also make it really clear that Board-Beato and Meta-Beato are different people, and while this Board Beatrice is obviously not being played by Sayo bc Sayo does want to corner Natsuhi, I think this is also hammering in that Sayo in this board has different motivations than the other Sayos. Obviously that doesn't mean you can just dismiss them as another being entirely, though. Sayo's bitterness at Natsuhi can be seen in other fragments, it's just Sayo's motivations being written by someone with a different view of her.

Natsuhi did some good acting tbh she played the character of exasperated Natsuhi in order to run off the room perfectly. Battler going out of his way to point out she should close the door is weird, might be his way of sympathizing and trying to get Natsuhi to not fall into the trap. Also.... what the fuck Natsuhi? That's an awful punishment, obviously I think the goal in this episode is a bit more revenge than repentance, but Sayo in general seems to place accepting your sins as something important, so I wouldn't be surprised if that was part of the assignment, especially since it's perfectly possible Shannon got told this from Jessica at some point.

The "Did Shannon do this?" is kind of funny because the answer is like, yes but not because the reason you figured Natsuhi lol Sayo just placed 4 cards in your room, doubt she even remembers that. Also, her narrative about how she's ungrateful is sad when the only reason Natsuhi can hold on to her wealth is Sayo deciding to let her. Natsuhi points out that Hideyoshi going to the room is unpredictable therefore obvi not part of the plan.... obviously when it's obvious that him being there IS the plan you should suspect Hideyoshi of being in the plan. The scene is obviously very scripted in general, with Eva jumping in to hear Hideyoshi's last word and the murder being completed + Eva showing up so fast that Natsuhi didn't get to steel herself to leave the closet.

It's kind of funny how much they seem to be fucking with Erika as much as with Natsuhi.... they ask her to carry the corpse and she is like idc about corpses and then they take the corpse, letting Erika seal her own demise. Granted Erika would fuck everything up for them and they can't bribe her so, yknow, makes sense. Considering the public spat Jessica and Erika had I can imagine this is how they convinced her to do a fake murder plan, tell her it was to see Erika fuck it up. Erika tries to open the closet, but gets stopped by Battler because her seeing the fake Hideyoshi corpse was probably too big a risk. Erika is really earnest about Natsuhi being the culprit... girlfail....

This scene between Virgilia and Beatrice in the Golden Land is very interesting. Virgilia points out that Bern and Lambda were brought to end the deadlock of Battler being unable to understand Beatrice, and like I have said Lambdadelta has indeed been dropping a million hints! They broke the deadlock by forcing Battler to consider how important Beatrice is to him and how much she wanted to be understood by him.... after he nearly killed her. Beatrice being described as being in purgatory is calling back to the time time Battler forgot her too. She was obviously not in heaven, Battler never came with a white horse to save her. But she wasn't allowed to be in hell and accept that Battler just didn't give a shit because Battler never confirmed that himself. She was stuck in that painful feeling where you know keeping hope is lying to yourself but not lying to yourself feels like betraying someone you love.

Everyone introduces themselves - bringing attention to how the cast has increased so much since the original 18. Bernkastel points out that Natsuhi is the bullied kid in every fragment which is pretty much true, the manga has Beato point this out in EP8, too. The irony of Beatrice is tasked with defending Natsuhi when Sayo holds a particular bitterness towards Natsuhi has been going through my mind during this episode. Battler struggles a bit with how the truth is very fragile in Rokkenjima, and I think that he's beginning to understand Sayo *wanted* a catbox.

Bernkastel calling Beato sub-human..., ouch. There's a lot of talk about how Erika has to do this because a human, not a witch, has to solve this... but it's kind of funny to me. Erika is a fictional being with many powers not afforded to humans. She's not a witch but I wouldn't call her human either.

Erika first drops her seals, it's interesting to me they are hand-me-downs from Eva. Kinda makes me interested in seeing Eva and Erika interact more. The going-down-the-list effect is cool too.... if I remember correctly they 'deny' all of them despite the fact one of them is obviously the right answer, I think on replay you can see the "never stop thinking" philosophy a lot during the answer arcs.

"Is it not possible that they were actually just playing dead" was knocked off with the red truth "These give really are dead" but notoriously the time is not mentioned in this red truth despite the fact it is being discussed heavily otherwise. Only the fact that that they were alive at 24:00 was discussed. You can tell they are giving Beatrice a hard time and letting Erika off easy though - confirming alibis like that without real proof is huge. And the more red truth that gets confirmed the harder it is for the Witch Side to be able to move about. Erika gets kids gloves a lot which is something she will realize and try to rectify at the end of EP6 i think.

Battler understands that Beato was helping him a lot now! Aaa, that makes me very happy. He mentions "She responded to almost all of them (red truths), giving me quite a few hints" The description of Erika listening to the room the entire night is kind of interesting, yeah proves her point Battler didn't do shit but the fact she heard nothing in that entire time is a clue that a murder absolutely did not take place. Erika kinda jumps into "the murder must have occurred between 12-3" as a response to this. This is where her whole theory fails as she doesn't consider that the murder didn't even take place.

This being the first completely fake murder is pretty interesting. If any murder HAD occurred Erika would 100% have caught them on the act. Lambdadelta probably figured Bernkastel would play aggressive detective and built her game around that.

The description of Erika creating the plot line is interesting. It shows how she makes up a theory in her head she will absolutely refuse to move from it and will continue with it to the end. It works right now because LambdaBern are giving her a lot of help... but, her theory is based on many false assumptions, and on replay it's kind of fascinating how from step one you can tell how all of these re wrong when they felt so suffocating when you first read this part.

"Even if Erika has accused Aunt Natsuhi of being the culprit, ...and even if everyone else here believes that, ...that's exactly why I want to be the one person who trusts her..!" Battler is kind of sweet when he's being kind of delusional like this haha reminds me of when he was denying Kanon culprit theory on ep2. Of course, he's right here and he was only kind of right in ep2. But it's more based on his desire to defend the small dog than it is on any actual proof or anything. But still, it's not a purely negative trait. And he's going to realize that "Even if everyone else here believes that" will apply to Beatrice soon, too.

Do you want to create a catbox, Battler? Are you understanding what led Sayo to create one? Having no answer is better than a heartless one, isn't it.

Natsuhi is given the opportunity to accuse Krauss and she obviously doesn't take it. She talks about how no one can damage her honor with fiction. It's kind of sad she mostly uses her incredible resilience and power to hold to her position mostly to defend people who do not care about her, but I still can't help but find this trait of her impressive. If she was able to use it for other stuff.....

"Truth can only be found in the gap between those who doubt and those who believe...!!" are echoing Battler's thoughts 5 minutes ago, ofc, but they also serve to highlight what Beatrice has always wanted. She doesn't want you to deny the witch illusion but also doesn't want you to accept it uncritically. She wants you to see what is hidden behind her and accept the person behind the illusion.

Kinzo kidnapped a woman, called her useless for being infertile, and forced her to adopt a child she didn't want.... and in that entire time he never once deemed her worthy of his gaze. I fucking hate Kinzo.

They show everyone's faces when Eva is eating the shit out of Natsuhi and Kanon looks so like... kind of smug lmfao. Clearly enjoying that their plan to torture Natsuhi worked.

Lambdadelta knows the truth, of course. She also taunts Beato about how she isn't able to defend herself once she get fed to the goats.... Lambda might be doing a lot to make Lambda's dream possible but she isn't about to save her. She has no tolerance for people who don't do the work themselves. Dlanor stops the Beatrice execution and then plays the role of looking annoyed and condescending to Battler. Dlanor mentioned earlier how her heart doesn't matter because she does awful things anyway but in this case, her heart gave Battler another chance

Huh.... the TIP for Dlanor's Red Key mentions that "In this world, Senator Lamdadelta has placed restrictions on its use and power." The idea Dlanor can just say anything in red she pleases in any other world is kind of op! No wonder she's a death sentence. Battler is fighting Erika by trying to argue about the seals, this serves to feed the player a bunch of reds in order to have no delusions of breaking them. Battler's on the right track that he has to attack the fundamentals of Erika's theory, but he's not getting to the right thing to attack, yet. I'm going to kill you Battler you just made me cry again... her cackling sound so sad and frenzied..... god damn it Battler. She is so fucked up.... the voice acting here is so sad.

Battler realizing he's failing Beatrice, finally, starts to frantically throw out shitty theories. You uh, kind of killed Beatrice with that once already but I appreciate the effort at least. It is extremely funny, I say it's funny as I am crying, but: Dlanor has barely said a word to refute any of Battler's arguments besides pointing out the Knox Rules. He's just getting hit with "your theories are too stupid to be put in a mystery" over and over.

He's right here though! They weren't mistaken, they were correct and lying! Natsuhi didn't check the corpses so this is still true, she's the one person who isn't on the plan besides Erika.

My heart is broken into many pieces.

Beatrice talks about the fragility of truth a lot during this episode, this was first brought to the story by Ange, actually, but obviously it's a big part of Sayo's character. She understood this fragility when creating the catbox. It can sometimes be empowering for her when ie she's using Beatrice as a power fantasy but also can deeply hurt her when she starts thinking that dying with a 'happy lie' is better than living a harsh truth.

#umiepisode5 #umineko