#I feel like i'm really self-aware as a person but i have to be because of aforementioned Trauma™ from my past

[carlyraejepsans]

Papyrus is so weird in comparison to the rest of the cast, like a prominent theme of Undertale is how the past can hold people back and the necessity of accepting it and understanding that it should not define your present and leave you stagnant.

Toriel and her inability to protect Asriel and the children who pass through her doors, Sans and his mysterious past that he can never return to, Undyne and the pain of monsters and the monster history that she embodies more than any other character, Alphys and the determination experiments that haunt her, Mettaton and his past identity that he runs away from, Asgore and the choices he made in grief, and most importantly, Flowey/Asriel and the self he can never really go back to.

Papyrus is literally the ONLY main cast member with no relationship to the past that is holding him back in some way. Like, all of the main issues this guy faces within the narrative (his popularity and not being a member of the Royal Guard) are all issues relating to his present state, and theres no real sense that they cause him to stagnate. He's written in such a vastly different way than every other character, down to him being the only character that literally cannot kill you (the game crashes if you do). Truly insane individual.

extremely well said. although, i think he fits more with the rest of the cast if you parse undertale's story as one about self imposed narratives, as well as past mistakes as a cause of stagnation.

toriel denounced all monsterkind as violent opportunists and forced herself to suffer isolation and grief, alone, as a sense of failed duty towards asriel.

undyne did likewise, denouncing humans rather than monsters as unredeamable murderers and turning herself into a hero. she handles all of the waterfall area alone, she strengthens her resolve thinking about how much people count on her, and never confesses her feelings to alphys because she doesn't want to burden her with them in case she dies in battle

asgore and alphys, their own parallels as well, are both haunted by their past mistakes and have convinced themselves that living a lie is better than facing the truth of the damage you caused

sans lost his home and friends and is aware of the anomaly: this caused him to take up a "play the cards i'm given" attitude where he passively rolls with every punch that the current timeline throws at him, without letting himself strive for anything more than what small solace he has.

mettaton is also haunted (lol) by his past. he's also decided that, in order for his dreams to be achieved, he HAS to sacrifice the personal connections he holds dear, and that that sacrifice is one he is willing to make (first napstablook, then alphys, then the entire underground when he gains a chance to go to the surface for himself)

papyrus... well, like you said, he distinctly lacks the element of the Past to drag him back from personal development, but like the rest of the cast he DOES have the accompanying self imposed narrative with the same effect. papyrus is lonely! but he's also come to the conclusion that what would fill that loneliness is fame and a vague notion of "popularity". this leads him to not realize the value of his friendship with undyne and keep other people at arms' lenght.

still, i agree with you. his lacking a character defining past (especially in light of how much his brother's still clearly affects him) is a very peculiar writing choice. it's one of the main reasons why i think he's some kind of amnesiac

#answered asks #undertale #papyrus #metanalysis #it's cause you're always in that damn coffin

[angronsjewelbeetle]

Fuck it I'm tired I'm half delusional and I can regret it in the morning. Oh well.

Primarchs and their favourite places to kiss ~♡

This may (is likely to) be out of character, many apologies.

Lion: Back of your hand. It's a classic, it's sweet, and he's not all that much of a physically affectionate bloke at the start.

Fulgrim: Tip of your nose and then rests his forehead against yours. He says it's "so you can gaze into his beautiful eyes and admire them", but it's actually because his eyes are windows to his thoughts and having you see his love for you is far easier than saying it out loud.

Perturabo: Your temple. He can still focus on his work while you demand affection from him (you're not demanding, he kissed you totally unprompted as you were walking past. He's just a bitch about it)

Khan: Your jawline. He kisses all over it and then may bite your ear to tease you. Not always, because he does treasure genuine affection, but when he's in a mischievous mood...well, >:)

Russ: Your neck. Specifically your nape and pulse point, he kisses your nape as an everyday sort of thing, almost even a greeting, while your pulse point is a little more...personal. Most go for the neck when they aim to kill something, after all, and he just wants you to know that he's protecting you, rather than a threat.

Dorn: Your cheek. It's soft, it's meaningful and it's as close to your lips as he can get without actually kissing you on them. He's a bit self-concious of the fact that his mouth is like three times the size of yours and he doesn't particularly like sloppy kisses unless yknow. He's.. distracted 😏.

Konrad: Your jugular. He's pressing his teeth to it more than his lips - it's not necessarily a threat, he's just not a very good kisser. But sometimes it's soft, softer than the down from Sanguinius's wings, on a rare day where he remembers that he CAN be gentle.

Sanguinius: Your inner left wrist. Another pulse point kisser but like...extra romantic. He likes to feel your heartbeat against his face to truly remind him that you are here with him. It keeps him in the moment rather than his mind spiralling into the future.

Ferrus: Your hands. He kisses each of your knuckles and then the back of your hand. If you catch him on a very rare day, he'll pepper his kisses all the way up to your shoulder and then your cheek, Gomez Addams style.

Angron: Your shoulders. Specifically the backs of them, he feels the need to be as far from your face when he kisses you because he doesn't trust himself not to rip your face off with his teeth. If you want him to kiss your face, you'll have to initiate it.

Guilliman: Your forehead/hair. He likes to kiss here because it means you can sit on his lap while he works and he can give you affection while doing it. Multitasking 👍. Every time he leans down to check one of his documents, he kisses you.

Mortarion: Your eyelids. He kisses both of them and then your forehead. He doesn't really like physical contact and isn't used to it, and it's sort of like he's appreciating that you see him, you're aware of what he looks like and that you still manage to show him affection.

Magnus: Your forehead. Smack dab in the middle of it, near the crown of your hair. When he kisses it, it sort of feels like he's kissing something inside of you. HE IS. He's kissing your third eye. The sneaky psychic bitch is kissing your third eye.

Horus: Your lips. He's a good kisser and it's easy to wipe your mind of your worries when he's distracted you.

Lorgar: Your hands. He gives the most devoted kisses to your hands it almost makes your lips jealous. The complete and utter reverence he holds for you is obvious with the way he drops to his knees to press a featherlight kiss to your fingertips and then the palm of your hand.

Vulkan: Your palms. He likes to kiss your palms, specifically your Heart Line (palm reader vulkan anyone??) on your left hand, and sometimes he'll tell you something silly and sweet like "mm, says here you'll have three kids and a mansion on the beach" while tracing your Life Line with his pinkie with the biggest grin on his face.

Corvus: On your cheek directly under your eyes. Yes, his nose does poke you in the eye sometimes but you'll have to deal because Corvus Corax Nuzzles Your Cheek Before He Kisses It. Corvus noses at your cheeks like a bird preening and then kisses you.

Alpharius: Everywhere. It depends on the day, really, sometimes it's your cheek, other times your ear, and occasionally your lips. It's a sweet surprise every time!

#warhammer 40k #wh40k #warhammer x reader #primarch x reader #warhammer headcanon #i apologise to the horus lovers #Ferrus gives me gomez vibes for some reason let the man have fun sometimes

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

after your post about malleus i finally said to myself “yeah i can’t force myself to pretend like i like any of the dormheads”. not like i hate them, but after their blots were over i felt like nothing in particular has ever changed about them. the only person who made me think yeah he’s a changed guy is vil. i was really surprised when in chapter 6(if it wasn’t the end of 5th? can’t remember) he apologised to the boys, his acceptance of his own mistakes and awful doings made him skyrocket in my mental tier list

[Referencing this post!]

Mmmm, I'm in a similar boat when it comes to the dorm leaders but for my own reasons; I like the vice dorm leaders a lot better simply because I tend to enjoy characters who play "supportive" roles (butler, bodyguard, knight, older sibling, etc.).

I don't know if I agree with the idea that the dorm leaders (well, + Jamil instead of Kalim) didn't change after their OBs. I believe that we miss out on seeing a lot of their development because it happens off-screen and we the players don't spend every waking moment checking up on the OB boys--but they definitely do change. More specifically, right after their OBs and sometimes upon their returns in the subsequent books. Just because we do not personally witness every step of their development doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Let's look at one example with the first dorm leader. After his defeat, Riddle cries and confesses he doesn't care about the silly rules, he just wants to enjoy his time with everyone. During the unbirthday party that follows his OB, Riddle sees some roses that are not entirely red and his peers expect him to lose his temper again. Instead, he laughs and says he can overlook it, then invites everyone to help him paint them properly. Riddle expresses similar restraint with his anger in book 2; he adopts a policy of strictly chastising and then trying to fix the problem instead of immediately collaring rule transgressors. (The exceptions being with, of course, the wrongdoers of book 2, like Leona.) Then, in book 6, we see Riddle struggling with his character change, as he is shown to still heavily rely on absolute rules and laws to govern his actions, and relies on himself to be the judge of them while shunting out others. It's only when he butts heads with Azul that he's able to be a little more flexible and recognize his peers' strengths. This makes sense, because the time period between book 1 and book 6 is only about 6 months; a complete shift in one's character and worldview won't happen that quickly, nor completely. Riddle must have been working on himself a lot and consciously trying to repress his anger--and he's imperfect at it. This is fine!! Character growth can be messy, slow, and non-linear--and this is true of how the dorm leaders change over time.

As for Vil (since he was specifically cited in your ask!), I'm of the opinion that his early book 6 apology was not the result of a character change. Vil was already very mature and self-aware prior to OBing; I think he would have still apologized if he thought something going wrong was genuinely his fault, as he holds himself to high standards and would acknowledge when he has fallen short of them (even in regards to morals). This is implied in his behavior before he overblotted too; in book 5, Vil repeatedly claims he will defeat Neige using his own power, fair and square. When he falls into despair and resorts to dirty methods to take his rival out, VIl is appalled by the "ugliness" of his actions and begs his classmates to "not look at [him]" because "[he's] so ugly" (referring to his ugly character/morals). This means he was aware of the cruelty of his actions and how they poorly reflect on him (ie he would have felt guilty and apologized afterwards about it anyway). Vil typically comes off as harsh, but he's truly noble when it comes to accepting when he has fucked up. I feel the real change in Vil is something that Rook highlights: the importance of loving oneself, regardless of what others may think of you. This development is made more apparent in book 6, which is the follow-up book to Vil's and allows him a time to shine. Whereas in book 5 Vil was obsessed with being a "hero" and public opinion, book 6 Vil declares to Idia "there are no heroes or villains" and that he is still "fairest of them all" (echoing a line Rook says in book 5), even as a withered old man.

I don’t want to ramble on for too long!! If you’re interested in reading about how the dorm leaders (+ Jamil) are grappling with their character arcs following their books, I’d recommend this post. It only goes up to Vil since the analysis is very book 6 heavy. I’d recommend this one for Idia, but be warned it does not take into account book 7 events since it was not out at the time of writing.

#twisted wonderland #twst #Leona Kingscholar #Azul Ashengrotto #Jamil Viper #Riddle Rosehearts #Kalim Al-Asim #Vil Schoenheit #Idia Shroud #Malleus Draconia #disney twisted wonderland #disney twst #notes from the writing raven #Rook Hunt #book 1 spoilers #book 6 spoilers #book 7 spoilers #book 2 spoilers

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.

#positivity #mental health #mental health support #gentle reminders #this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize) #(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that) #(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view) #i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum #or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true #i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it #but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body #in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have #so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it #i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume #(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle) #hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm. #mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience) #but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore #i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍

[dazais-guardian-angel]

kinda wild to me that one of the most compelling aspects of both Chuuya and Kunikida's characters to me, that I never really see talked about, is how they're heavily set on a doomed crash course towards complete and utter destruction, and how I am so, so worried for them both.....

#bungou stray dogs #been thinking a lot about chuuya lately (shocking for me i know (said with no sarcasm truly lmao it is rare for me)) #cause of the 15 manga and also playing the fucking jeht quest in genshin impact ugh (where's the one dual genshin bsd fan who Understands) #but like this pressure has been building up for chuuya for so long due to being used and manipulated by all these people #first the sheep then mori then verlaine then still mori now #he was groomed since childhood just like dazai #but unlike dazai he didn't have an oda to help him get out of the mafia........ he's still stuck there #and his personality is different from dazai's. dazai was more self-aware imo (but still a groomed emotionally abused kid don't get me wrong #but chuuya's whole thing is needing to belong and wanting a leader to be loyal to but ending up in positions of leadership himself #which makes him feel pressured but he accepts and stifles any negative feelings just because he wants to belong #and all this crushed him with the events in the light novels and yeah he went through character growth but he's...... Still In The Mafia... #and that fucking scene asagiri added to the cannibalism stage play i don't think hardly anyone even knows about bc IT'S NOT DISCUSSED ANYMO #where mori emotionally manipulates him with the flags!!! and it deeply hurts him!!! and he presumably deals with that shit all the time!!! #it is WORRISOME. it WORRIES ME okay. #chuuya doesn't have anyone who can save him from the mafia (dazai is in no position to okay; it's all he can do just to try to save himself #and it's so so scary. it spells awful things for him. #didn't asagiri say he'd have a rough path or something??? and he added that fucking scene in the play!!! it haunts me!! #i fully expected this shit to hit a turning point in the meursault arc but we can't have nice things i guess #and as for kunikida a;lskdfl (took me this long to get to him oop) literally the ending of Entrance Exam (the novel) is just #One Big Foreshadowing for Kunikida's downfall #he's compared to the azure king for a reason. Sasaki saw the azure king in him for a reason. it's fucking worrying!!!!! #there hasn't really been anything like that since in the manga (just like for chuuya lol ugh) but he's TERRIBLE at coping with his trauma #and it only gets more apparent once shit hit the fan in the doa/hunting dogs/meursault arc #it's not good!!! i'm worried for kunikida too!!!! #even if the manga isn't focusing on this these worries are always in the back of my mind man #both kunikida and chuuya are doomed to hit some kind of breaking point eventually and i await those moments with dread yet anticipation #i want dazai to be able to save kunikida from the despair being too good a person brings the way he couldn't save oda #and chuuya.... if we get a scene with him & mori mirroring the one in dark era where dazai finds out that mori orchestrated the kids' death #oh man i think i'll fucking die (give it to me i need to cry)

[campingwiththecharmings]

me whenever someone gives me unsolicited opinions about myself:

#thinking about the time a friend of mine did this #and she does this a lot bc she's older and ofc sees herself as 'more knowledgeable' or w/e #which hey sometimes she is #mostly i take her opinions with a grain of salt but she said something to me recently that just #idk it rubbed me the wrong way. and i keep thinking about it. #ider what we were talking about but somehow we got on the subject of romantic relationships #and i basically said i'm not opposed to one but i'm NOT looking. like at ALL. not even a little bit. #but if something happens someday great! #she proceeds to tell me literally right after i say this #that i should work on my appearance then because i'm 'a little plain'. not ugly or anything just...plain. #which hey i know already btw and it doesn't really bother me #i wear make up and am not against it at all. i think it's amazing to see what people can do with it tbh. #and if people wanna wear it i'm all for it #i personally don't like the way it feels on my skin so i use as little as possible #just enough to cover things like my acne scars or other imperfections that i feel self conscious about #i'd love to get to a point where i feel comfortable NOT wearing make up actually #and that's not even to say that i'd NEVER get dolled up or whatever #it's just not something i enjoy doing on a regular basis ya know? #and honestly? any future partner i have should be aware of that bc you're gonna get plain ol' non-makeup-wearing me 99% of the time #and if that's a problem with them then i don't even wanna waste my time on them #so yeah when she said this to me i was annoyed #bc fr wtf does that have to do with me not looking for a partner??? lol #*sigh* ik she was probably just trying to help in her own way but like #just don't k? k. #/rant #sorry i had to get that out somewhere lmao #it's been driving me crazy #ignore me

[thethingything]

local man discovers he's gotten into the habit of using DBT techniques without actually being taught them because at some point he realised that the things we get the urge to do when we have strong emotions often aren't healthy and that he doesn't like how he feels afterwards so he started noticing when that was happening and going "fuck that shit" and doing the opposite instead

#personal #thoughts #Lucy post #talking to 🍬 about various stuff we do because of our social anxiety and what are probably undiagnosed BPD symptoms #and we realised he's gotten himself into the habit of paying attention to how his emotions affect his judgement #and trying to take a step back when he's experiencing an emotion that he knows gives us the urge to do stuff that's not healthy for us #and he said he felt bad about having those emotions and urges to do unhealthy stuff #at which point I was like ''okay but you're choosing not to act on that and to take a step back and do something healthier instead #which is what actually matters here and is also something that takes a hell of a lot of self-awareness and self-control'' #this is shit they teach you in therapy that's difficult specifically because you're going against your brain's instincts for a situation #and we were never taught how to do it so you've just fucking taught yourself to do it instead #without actually knowing it's a specific technique that has a name #I was aware of it but had never actually looked at the instructions properly because when I stumbled across it #it was at a point where being told to go against what my emotions made me want to do felt invalidating and upsetting #I've literally just pieced together that ''oh right that's what that is and how it's supposed to work #and how it's meant to feel when you do it right'' #anyway all this is to say that I keep being impressed with the amount of progress 🍬's made on learning healthy coping mechanisms #including things I could never seem to get the hang of when I was fronting more and handling more stuff #and I'm really proud of him and 🦋 and everyone else who's been handling stuff within the system and keeping things running #but also nobody in here seems to realise how much progress they've made with anything until someone else points it out #I just realised I should tag this as #happy posting #because I'm talking about stuff that's going well and where we've actually made a lot of progress

[belligerentbagel]

closing two artfights! reached my final goal, which was a nice round total of 10 attacks for this first year 😊

Alcarnarmo (ThArtemisHunter)

Phoenix Tian and Kai Terranova (@mimicmerchant)

#artfight #draws #kai and phoenix are a little sketchy because i woke up this morning and went HUP HUP HUP LET'S BEEEE AMBITIOUS #but i'm glad to have managed what i did! ^^ #and now to 1) close every tab i had open for reference images இ௰இ and 2) DIVERSIFY MY CHARACTER ROSTER WHOOPS #scraped by this year without designing anyone new; just pulling from past d&d characters and a witchsona l m a o #here's the thing #[🙏 innnnnhale] #two of those character options look near-identical bc at the time of creation; i was like 'yeah sure they can look like me - #- can i go build out the class features / start designing witch clothes now' #and sitting down last night with the intent of 'time to create new characters' made me aware that #oh! yeah my preference really is to build upon existing things (more of a personal interpretation than a perfect iteration) #which is why i like making fanart that doesn't stick *precisely* to the canon outline #or building cosplays that are tweaked and extended to my tastes (and why i like animated properties more than live-action) #(bc animated designs tend to be simplified and allow for a LOT of interpretation. live-action is fun to look at but - #1) the garment already exists. i don't feel the need to replicate an extant thing; and it's stressful to self-compare to professionals #and 2) i KNOW the community says 'appearance doesn't matter' but it. still. does. influence people's interactions with & responses to you - #esp if you're working from live-action & guess what! very few TALL east asian women in any live-action properties with my specific vibe 🙃 #(tamar kir-bataar is a recent one but COME ON that's just my warlock with bonus axes bahaha)) #big ramble in the tags today #uhhhh to circle back around: anyways! despite my preference for Variations On A Theme over designing OCs; #i now have some possible New Character routes to explore. exciting.

[wrecking]

edit: i ended up just ranting abt like the current vibe™ in the tags... sorry abt that but like also whatever i don't care anymore

#d #my food therapist really said the most real thing on planet earth when she said i'm meeting me at the same time everyone else is #i feel like a cringey overzealous emotionally dumb teenager who's a total embarrassment to everyone around me while i'm trying 2 say fuck i #cuz like this is the first time in my entire life i feel like i get to actually explore my identity and do like normal young people things #and i feel just. so so exposed in the sense that everyone is watching me make a fool of myself without a single shred of self-awareness #and it makes me so fucking mad cuz like i'm finally happy with myself!! i'm finally starting to feel like a fully formed person #instead of a 2d projection or an object or something monstrous hiding in the shadows because that's how i've spent until now imo #and like. it's hard to emotionally make peace with the fact things in my social life are changing because like. there's some part of me #that thinks that maybe if i stayed in that miserable place that maybe i wouldn't have any of the problems i have now #and like my life is a lot better. and i know that and i wouldn't change a thing. but like emotionally i guess i'm just #processing it as a fault of mine to have changed bc it's changing my relationships to others #and this isn't about any one specific thing like i've been having lots of small growing pains with a lot of ppl in my life rn i just am lik #there's a lot happening to me rn emotionally so i feel like everything i do is a fuckup and i'm just bracing for more people to go ig #which might happen or it might not and tbh either is ok at this point. i need to do this in order to live i think #idk why i'm even rambling about this i just have a lot of thoughts and i want to share them i guess. not like it does anything but like #what else is this app for at this point lmfao i barely even want to talk on here anymore because i feel like everything i say on here is #just pointless. i'm thankful i have a strong support system rn cuz genuinely i don't know what i'd do if i didn't like #i feel like everything is so much more emotionally Big to me on E and it's kind of hard trying to figure out how to manage it #like i'm basically finally getting to be me. for worse AND for better. and i just am like. insecure on some level i guess #not even over my appearance tbh i've kinda made peace with that. moreso my personality and what things i share with others #this whole post is so wholly unnecessary but i feel like i'm going to go insane if i don't get this out of my head #i've genuinely been avoiding talking about my emotions or my private life on here because i don't exactly feel safe on here anymore #which is like great. love it when my primary outlet for like. socially interacting with people casually gets compromised i love it #i literally softblocked like 30 ppl off of here so i could talk abt my weird sex stuff and my body and my deeper thoughts with ppl i trust #and then i still am too conscious about it! this always happens when i make a blog for myself to talk on #maybe i'm just not meant for talking abt things

[scorndotexe]

feel weird. can't sleep. ack

#i. im dreading something. and im not sure what exactly #well no. i kind of do know what i'm dreading #oh god not to get all personal but i didn't think i'd make it to that birthday. #i'm kind of dreading making it to that birthday. it just feels like a hurdle i'm not ready to jump ovet #i know the time will pass and it's just a day #and it really means nothing. but still #i almost feel like. like i shouldn't have made it. #NOT IN A LOGICAL WAY. i'm happy i'm alive even if i don't like my life very much #but...im going to have made it. and for some reason i can't stand that #i don't want to do anything on the day. just want to cry. #i don't know why i hate....im not even sure what i hate #i hate that... that this day will come at all. #i. i need to sleep. but i can't. because i just feel weird about it all #maybe i should be proud of myself. i just kind of feel. disgusted. and i'm not sure why #disgusted at the idea that i should be proud of myself too. #i don't want to be told i should be proud. even by myself. #i've done nothing. this hasn't been worth it. even if i like being alive #none of this is real logic. i'm self aware enough to understand that. #i don't want to wake up tomorrow and continue the damn dread countdown. the dread count to a day that doesn't even matter #i'll just wake up and cry. and do nothing. and the day will pass. and then every other day will pass. #persimmon's rambles

[dimonds456]

it's 4 AM so you know what that means! Time for me to make a list of all my disabilities so I can clearly lay them out for both myself and the nonbelievers to see! Like a normal person!

Yes, I'm able-passing, and there were days previously where I questioned whether or not I'm actually disabled or if I was just faking/exaggerating it, but no. Not anymore. The sheer length of this list alone is enough, let alone if I had just one or two of the things on here.

I have: - Chronic Depression - Chronic Anxiety - ADHD - Autism (more than likely, not confirmed) - Graves Disease / Hyperthyroidism - Balance issues - Weakness in knees / elbows - (Tendency to fall the fuck over because of this combination) - Aversion to heat above 60º F (15.5º C) - Need glasses - Astigmatism / sensitivity to light / Graves eye bulging - Audio processing disorder - Fucked memory / focus / CANNOT read numbers quickly idk why - Breathing issues (I deadass just. Forget to breathe sometimes.) - Shakiness in hands (thank fuck it's mostly gone away, but not 100%) - Inconsistent heart rate - Unsteady grip / "chronic butterfingers" as I've been calling it - Back pain - Hip pain - This one doesn't have a name but I walk on the sides of my feet instead of just stepping down normally because nothing I have ever done in my entire fucking life is normal - Bad leg that never healed properly - Trauma - More trauma - Holy shit there's so much why is there so much of it and why am I only just realizing how much there is holy fuck - I know I'm forgetting some but this is all I can remember off the top of my head

But yeah I'm able-passing. :)

#dimond speaks #is this a vent? #idek at this point #i'm just tired of people not fucking believing me when I say that i need a minute or that there are Many Things Wrong With Me #I feel like i'm really self-aware as a person but i have to be because of aforementioned Trauma™ from my past #i don't want this shit to define me- i really really fucking don't #but at the same time i literally cannot ignore any of this shit #all of it gets in the way of my every day life too fucking much #people are wondering why i need a cane to walk even if “i'm fine”. this is fucking why #i'm NOT fine and have not BEEN fine since like 2nd grade #i'm tired of hiding my pain #i'm tired of shoving it down and pretending that it doesn't exist #doing that made me actually traumatized from fucking SUMMER. y'know- the SEASON? #i ignored my needs and forced myself to work during the summer just so i could get a bit more extra cash that A) i didn't need #and B) so my mom would stop bugging me about it #i deadass almost died last year. and now we're gonna do it again. #i'm in a better spot both physically and mentally than i was last year but still #if i feel like this is getting to be too much i'm quitting and finding a different job. #this is me making a promise to myself right now. #i honestly like working at dollar general. i really really do. but i am promising myself right now to give it up if shit hits the fan #until then... i'll keep trying to stay positive. i hate dwelling on this stuff but i'm also tired of running from it #i shouldn't be running anyway lol i'm gonna have a heart attack #...that wasn't funny i'm sorry #the moral of the story is that you never know what others are going through i guess #disabled #actually disabled #chronic illness #chronic disability #graves disease #hyperthyroidism

[gxlden-angels]

the only person who was actually right about the world and human nature was Max striner everyone else is a fucking moron

Striner? I hardly know 'er!

Anyways, I'm not a philosophy expert. I'm just some guy. I like the egoist belief that there isn't a universal moral truth. I like the absurdist belief that, because nothing matters, we should be radically sincere. I like the christian belief in a place without suffering after this life. I like the Universal Random Number Generator idea my therapist and I talk about

All of them have their flaws though. Egoism gets used to condemn social movements and civil rights advocacy. Absurdism and the RNG can create a sense of existential dread and a loss of motivation. Christianity encourages the loss of identity and free will

I'm just some psych student with a weird ass therapist that understands my weird ass brain. He encouraged me to look into absurdism since I took a class on absurdist literature my freshman year of college and he said I might enjoy looking into the actual philosophy. And I do! At least a lot of it! I like the idea of a chaotic universe and us humans trying our best to control it. I like the idea of letting that go and living authentically instead of with a direct purpose. There's chaos and mayhem and entropy and I'm just here to react to it. And I can react in ways that makes others happier if I wanted just because I can

Egoism/egotism feels too disconnected from the human need to connect to me. It traps me into that feeling that doing something good for someone is selfish if you're doing it to feel good. I'm actively working to get out of that spiral Christianity put me in now

I don't know, though, anon. I'm just some college student with an ex-christian tumblr blog and a lot of trauma. I like to believe there's some Universe-sized Abstract Computer with a random number generator that causes the chaos we call home. I skim wiki pages and reddit posts and decided if I want to engage any further/look for textbooks. I could possibly be looking at the wrong page about the wrong philosophy. I'm honestly just on this earthly plane for the bit

#if y'all are into philosophy I encourage y'all to look into it still just because it's interesting #As I understand it egoism/egotism is the belief that you only control one's own actions and awareness #and that all actions done by one's self is meant to benefit their own well-being #For me it sends me into a guilt spiral of worrying I'm not a good person because I feel good making others happy #because that would be selfish and that would make me bad actually #all of which I know if black and white thinking and we're all a little selfish sometimes. it's good for us #Im just not at a place where I can really dive into that #Im a fan of absurdism because of my commitment to the bit #It's essentially the idea that the universe is chaotic and life doesn't matter/there's no purpose to life #And you can respond by finding a higher power/religion/purpose. endgame. or live life pushing against the chaos #Modern absurdism gives further options but I haven't quite learned enough to fully explain them yet #And given the nature of my blog I obviously didn't like religion nor am I secretly a ghost #So I like the idea of having no actual purpose I have to follow (like being christ like) #but this belief is also not for everyone. it's known to cause existential dread and crises #I loved absurdist literature though. My favorite is Beckett's plays they're so fuckin funny in a dark way #I love finding humor and committing to the bit in times of stress. That's essentially what this blog is lol #also there's 750 of y'all now that's fucking wild #anyways I hope y'all enjoyed my ramblings about philosophy since it's been a bit of a growing hyperfixation lol #don't take this as a conversion attempt I actively am saying don't look into these things unless you enjoy philosophy #If y'all really like my absurdism rambles tho I'll write more about it but only if y'all ask. i'm not tryna influence y'all lol #ex christian #religious trauma #ask tag

[noxtivagus]

i've been less shy lately so damn i realized how. idk how to say it. wait

#🌙.vents #bcs okay during my shift for my class' booth i rlly helped quite a lot w my classmates in my shift too n yeah others too #i helped the lower school kids that visited hehe n then even a parent n yeah n not to mention my classmates too in general. yh #n to my classmate i was like. 'hey btw i like your mcr shirt' n i said that for my twin as well n. wow. yeah. i really did that woah #n then for my friend apollo n i helped out w their booth too. n i helped like two people for my shift for our (optional) fair committee n #yeah the long one w the discrepancies damn n we even talked a bit while waiting n all n then said hi to a lot of my old friends from back i #middle school. thinking abt it makes me want to cry actually it makes me so happy right now bcs like #my longest friend ever we rarely see or even talk but we're friends n we spent like the whole evening together w other friends #n. personally it just. aghhh i don't know it makes me happy when i can be like.. a friend for others? someone you can hug n then #someone you can open up to someone you know will listen someone you know won't judge you someone you. yeah #n i really mean it i don't know how to put it any other way because i just can't not be sincere about how i love n it hurts bcs #i don't want to be sad. i hate feeling tired. n that's so human n everyone feels sad n tired but #i'm so torn between being kind to myself n dehumanizing myself at the same time. that helplessness like you know better but you just can't. #ah yeah. not only that longest friend but also my longest friend in my school who moved for this sy for. yeah #used to talk n see each other everyday at school n we're third cousins actually n knew years after we were friends. #oh i'm crying again.. no. no i'll push that out of my head wait.. aa sorry i'm sharing my life story 💀 n i know it's because i'm lonely n #you see i just. i just can't. i know i should reach out but i can't & i wouldn't because everyone else have their struggles too #but i can't do.. this on my own but i want to be the one to help others. i notice too much i just need to shut it out somehow #ah yeah wait. other friends too :^) n i often wonder what others think of me. what i mean to them. how they see me #we're all human we all think n not everyone is so self-aware or introspective but. i find it all interesting nonetheless #i would share my own thoughts freely if one would ask. & my own curiosity n willingness to listen is endless #ah but.. nah no i won't entertain that line of thought any further. not sure if i already wrote this to myself today but yk the #i think. when i can really be free n all. i'm good w vulnerable moments i'm good in social situations. i can read them well. n i know what #to do. technically at least. mostly. not always bcs anxiety rlly sucks too n goddamn on the other hand i'm honestly insecure if i'm too #serious at times? like i take life seriously honestly but not like. in a boring way or wtvr i just really value life #most of this is just idle musing i think i've been here in my seat for hours. oh how the time flies huh? midnight is nearing & the tears #in my eyes are drying up. n i just wish that in this moment that time would wait and stop. #sorry i'm not trying to be poetic okay with an unintentional rhyme i'm just writing my thoughts fuck #nah i thought about this earlier n now i'm at a loss for words again. it's sunday n i'm still to tired to reply to the rest of my friends #i'm so sleepy i think i'll write a bit n sleep soon. calmed down after writing that last tag. i'll rest n do more tomorrow.

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

#sh tw #(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday) #100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #im cursed with being a bit too self aware so #i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things #(for legal reasons i cannot say) #and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard) #its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER #BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM #back to my point. #guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat #[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over] #[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG] #so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it. #could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that. #i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition' #really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else . #it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat .. #.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before. #...... #i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me. #it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything #so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way. #anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend #so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice #i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row. #лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together #(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really) #(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently) #so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING

[musical-chick-13]

.

#sometimes it just. hits me. that she's not in my life anymore. and it seems stupid to say that because like. she's not dead. #she doesn't even hate me. we just don't have any kind of relationship anymore. and it's better that way because who I am & what I want was #never going to match up with who she is and what she wanted. but I still lost my friend. in some ways the closest friend I'd ever had #if it was possible for me to have that back and keep it without losing what's left of my mind I would take it IMMEDIATELY #all I ever wanted was to be understood and even though we were so different she ALWAYS made every effort to do that #she was committed to understanding me in a way no one else ever had been and the absence of that is...it hurts a fucking lot #and I'm so tired of reflecting on this experience I'm so tired of being afraid to get close to anyone else for fear this will happen again #and mostly I'm tired of hearing how it's better to love and lose than never love at all because it's REALLY not #everyone keeps saying how heartbreak will help you learn things about yourself but that didn't happen! I didn't learn anything about myself #that I didn't already know! I did NOT gain strength or self-awareness or a better outlook on human connection as a whole. it just hurts! #that was all that happened!! I didn't grow I didn't change it didn't open the door for something better. I just feel like shit. #sorry y'all something unrelated crossed my dash and then I just. started crying. #personal #mc13 is a mess

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

#writeblr #the book.... #coming soon #hey so if ur someone who has ever said “you need to write a book” #i wrote the book #it's ... probably the best thing ive ever written #this is maybe too honest lol #okay to reblog thank you for asking i love u i am in love with u our wedding will be in may