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irresistiibles · 11 months

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shi qingxuan self para

trigger warnings: this is basically a drowning self para wanna be one hundred percent real so read at your own risk. drowning tw, death tw

i don’t want to die.

it wasn’t the first thing to pass through qingxuan’s mind. the first thing they noticed was the temperature. at first frigid when they were first forcibly submerged, or maybe it was just the shock of the situation that made it seem that way, after all it was summer. it shouldn't have been that cold. qingxuan let out a yell as they hit the water, mouth filling up with water that they couldn't even properly cough up. had anyone heard? would anyone come to help? someone had always come to help qingxuan before. why wasn't there anyone around? things were quickly warming up as qingxuan thrashed, feeling the need for air starting to quickly push up. it was a searing uncomfortable heat, burning from in their chest as his lungs worked desperately to find oxygen that wasn’t available. it felt like she might burn to death before actually managing to drown, and only got worse as they hopelessly physically fought to try and get above water.

i don’t want to die.

it was almost a jarring thought as qingxuan’s body attempted to gasp for air, to push towards the surface, do anything to get a little oxygen in his lungs. as the physical fight continued the thought did come through. after everything that has happened at black water manor qingxuan had contemplated their death. he had wondered if it would make things better, or just, or at least give them a break. it hadn’t seemed like such a bad thing at the time, like maybe he should have gone with his brother and they both could have called that the end of their miserable story. qingxuan had been a fool, and now, on what felt like the bring of death they felt pathetic and ungrateful, wishing they could desperately grab just one more day of life. one more hour. five more minutes.

i don’t want to die.

maybe if qingxuan hadn’t been alone this wouldn’t have happened. she had tried to stay with company, really she had, but the small party had been drunk and wanted food, whereas qingxuan wanted air. it hadn't seemed like such a big deal to break off and go for a small walk alone before meeting back up with the group. would more caution have saved him? maybe if qingxuan had shown more caution as a child they wouldn’t have been found, he xuan could have ascended with qingxuan in the middle court and nothing would have happened. maybe she could have defended herself a little bit better today.

i don’t want to die.

i’m sorry ge. i wasn’t careful enough. i never learned my lesson as a little kid. there was no need with how well you looked after me. you fought my fate as long as you could. you did a really good job of keeping your stupid little sister along way longer than it should have been.

i’m sorry he-xiong. i didn’t get the chance to text you more. i wanted to fix things. i wanted to figure out how to be us again. i wanted to figure it out with you. i thought we had time. i would have rushed back if that wasn't the case. i wish if someone had to force me under like this it was you. you wouldn't like it, but i think you'd be gentle about it.

i’m going to die. i can’t stop it.

there was almost a comfort in accepting it, feeling the current start to pull him under and letting it, even as qingxuan had more apologies to give. to xie lian, he had died too and hadn’t deserved that. to the nice drunk qingxuan would go back and forth on drinks to. it was their time to buy next and he wouldn’t be able to do it. so many more. the world was starting to fade though, black spots dancing in qingxuan's vision, whether it was from the water or a steady loss of consciousness, and qingxuan’s dialogue was puttering out. the tide pushed them down and who was qingxuan to fight against nature? they could hardly handle a simple fight on their own. such a weak fool, but as qingxuan gave up and let the water take her where it wanted there wasn’t any anger there. the fire that burned at qingxuan’s lungs became a more settled warmth, and the water almost felt like a comfort wrapped around them. this was her brother’s domain, her lover’s as well. oxygen deprived and perhaps a little delirious qingxuan could almost feel like there was some presence of the two of them here to help, to be with him in a final moment. they had lived a good life, warm and loved. one of them would find him. if they had the strength left qingxuan would worry about the way that they would mourn, if they’d be okay, but in the moment she was just content to know someone she loved and trusted would probably still find her in the end, that she'd wind up home in one way or another. if he woke up after this someone would help her. there were always enough good people in the world willing to help. if she didn't wake up there had already been so many more years than what qingxuan was supposed to have. the tide pushed and qingxuan let themselves sink.

#this is just an outlet post for me alksdfjadf #drowning tw #death tw #( interactions && qingxuan )

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sun-lit-roses · 2 years

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Emancipation

I’ve been duly warned about this episode (thank you @lindsaybob and @tabbyofwisdom!), so I’m approaching it with some trepidation. But here we go, Season 1, Episode 4!

YESSSS New planet!! Right out of the gate. So to speak.

It’s very green.

Run kid!

Being chased by dogs is one of my greatest fears. 😨

‘We’re from - very far away.’ Well, they aren’t lying.

OKay... I’m guessing they keep women and men separated in their culture? Or maybe they’ll get more creative and all their women are secretly evil? Split off long ago and formed their own nation? Are secretly gorgons who can turn men to stone with a look?

Oh look, Jack brought a gun to the arrow fight.

Hey, maybe his father will be reasonable! They did just save the kid.

...oh look, it’s death threat time again.

Not completely ungrateful, and at least he’s willing to give them a chance to learn about their culture rather than stumbling around blindly.

Yeah, I’m thinking maybe Sam should just bow out of this one gracefully. They’re a little trigger happy and not too clear on the details.

‘We’ll be fine if we learn about the culture.’ Easy for the one who isn’t being singled out to say. Why can’t Daniel just go and have a good time without her!

Well there’s clearly at least one other woman here. Many women! And they’re fine with them?

Okay, the women have to go veiled and quiet in public. Pretty standard and boring. I was kind of hoping for the gorgon theory.

The leader seems pretty blase about the ‘old laws,’ though.

I mean, dressing like the locals to not upset anyone seems fairly standard? Like not refusing food and making sure to copy their manners.

It is annoying that the men don’t have to change. I’m surprised their clothing isn’t deemed inappropriate as well. But I suppose a different style of trousers and shirt might be easier to accept.

I wonder what would have happened if they had said, ‘no, Carter’s not a woman, some men just look like that in Very Far Away.’ 😂

The women’s clothes are very pretty, I wouldn’t mind a set!

I’m not sure why they wouldn’t be comfortable? From what the other outfits looked like, it was soft, loose trousers under a flowing tunic-type dress?

I genuinely can’t tell if the guys are trying to make her feel better about it, or being creeps. The ‘works for me’ comment crossed the line there.

At least Teal’c is his stoic self about it.

I wonder if Jaffa treat men and women differently?

Wait, I thought the point of her changing clothes was that she could go out and see the medicines and such?

If she’s just stuck in the yurt (and by the way maybe don’t insult the hospitality of the women we CAN SEE IN THE BACKGROUND. Clearly she is not the diplomatic one), why didn’t they let her just go back through the gate?

‘We should bring an all-male team.’ I’m confused as to why this time around isn’t an all-male team either. You weren’t that far from the gate to begin with, you could have waved her back through, and kept on trucking.

Yeah, leaning more towards sexist from Jack. Between this and the whole ‘I like women’ thing from the pilot, he’s running out my goodwill.

Why isn’t she planning to talk with the women about the medicines or whatever? She’s surely allowed to talk to them.

Party Time!

Oh no, apparently Kidnapping Time! Where are the other women? Are they just like, ‘well, serves her right for complaining about our yurt.’

Was she in a yurt by herself? Why wasn’t she with the other women? I’m so confused about the set up here.

They gagged her underneath the veil? That’s a commitment to veiling.

It’s THE KID??

I would pay SO MUCH money if the kid was actually a girl and wanted to know how Sam got to be seen as an equal.

Of course it’s not that.

They trade women - they could have maybe mentioned that in their cultural brief. Or if Sam got TO TALK TO ANY OF THE OTHER WOMEN. Still bewildered that this wasn’t a thing.

‘How do you always jump to the worst conclusion.’ ‘I practice.’ 😂

Hang on, I thought Sam was kidnapped by several people. If it’s just the kid, why didn’t she just overpower him when they stopped to rest? She’s trained military, and he was eating - I’m pretty sure she could have at least tried to turn the tables.

This episode is just chock full o’ creeps, huh?

The kid’s in love with the other leader’s daughter - how Romeo and Juliet! It’d be a lot more sympathetic if the kid hadn’t just shown that he doesn’t value women in general, just the one that he happens to be attracted to.

His daughter spoke up, which is surprising if her father is so terrible.

They’re protecting their women from demons. I’m assuming the Goa’uld? I don’t get the sense that making them cover up and not speak would prevent the Goa’uld from taking anyone they pleased, to be honest.

Oh what stupid thing is the kid going to do now.

That daughter goes around a lot without her veil for this society.

Sam gets another creepy talk with the leader. Great.

Sam has a good point - why does he want an allegiance with that 23rd clan so badly? What does the political landscape look like here?

I’m not sure about cooking, but she’s not great at chopping.

ARMED AND DANGEROUS!

And escaping!

Yeah, taking the horse was probably a bad idea. Sneaking off into the woods on foot would have been a better plan. Although dressed in bright blue and avoiding sentries would still have been a stretch. Stealing darker clothes and waiting until night might have higher odds?

Back to Creepy Leader (tm).

She’s in different clothes now - did he beat her?!

FINALLY SHE GETS TO TALK TO ANOTHER WOMAN.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s not quite that simple for the daughter, Sam. I mean, she very clearly said no earlier and it didn’t make much of a difference. I’m willing to see where you’re going with this, though.

Wait, how did the team get so close to the camp with those sentries?

See, Jack had the same night plan as me!

I don’t think Sam would be happy with a trade - wow, nope, never mind, even if the trade plan would work, that ain’t happening. Glad Jack and I are on the same track there: “There is not a chance in hell.”

He’s making up a little for being Creepy McLeering earlier.

Escape Part Two! With bonus fire this time!

Okay, escape for the daughter. Carter must have a lot of faith in her team. I’d have been booking it for the woods too.

They are not great at bartering. You’ve driven the price too high, too early - now he’s suspicious.

Um, Daniel, if she’s so amazing, wouldn’t the guy be tempted to keep her more?

See?

Heck of a Plan B, Jack. I get that there’s no Prime Directive in this universe, but surely there’s some sort of rule about not giving away your weapons? I’m pretty sure the military frowns on that.

Ah, giving them the gun with no instructions. I guess that’s slightly better, but I don’t think guns are that complicated. Pretty sure they can figure it out with an actual gun and bullets as a blue print? Maybe I’m underestimating the complicatedness of guns, though.

I guess they made it! And Carter got her clothes back. That’s nice.

Really, the episode just had to throw in one more lewd reference to a mission where Carter accidentally got drunk and took off - her top, I’m guessing? You’re losing all the points you gained back, Jack.

That’s very generous, Sam. *I* certainly blame the kid for what he did. Pretty sure he’s old enough to know what he did was wrong, otherwise he wouldn’t have kidnapped her in the dead of night. Also, he thought it was perfectly fine to trade women - not exactly a beacon of progressive thinking there.

Yeah, kid’s got hormones raging with ‘the madness.’ Still not an excuse.

And the daughter’s escape didn’t work out. Predictable, but death by stoning is a surprise. When Sam escaped they just hauled her back (and maybe beat her? she seems fine so maybe not?), I wonder why this escape merits death? Because she made it farther or was out longer?

I mean, with the gun thing and the kid trying to escape with the leader’s daughter, there’s probably already going to be a war. I doubt going back at this point will make things any worse.

Or we’re going to get legal. Sure, why not.

And legal turns out to be a fight between Creepy Leader and Sam.

Jack’s not great at the pep talks, huh?

Oh. Well that ups the stakes a little there, doesn’t it? I feel like the ‘death’ part should have come up a little sooner. They had the whole ride back to mention that bit?!

I feel like hand to hand training is a little different than a knife fight?

Maybe not, she got first blood. Not bad!

Go Sam!

Suddenly everyone’s okay with Sam wandering around in men’s clothes without a veil. Sure. Guess all she had to do was win a knife fight.

...and now women don’t need a veil or to be separate. Everyone’s okay with this too, suddenly. Did they all have to win a knife fight as well?

Well this ending is very - something.

But we’re going out with a joke about Oprah. Can we have an episode where we watch them introduce Teal’c to talk shows? An entire episode of that would probably have been more enjoyable.

Rating: 🔘

1/5 Gates I’m unsure about this rating. Maybe I should keep the one gate reviews in reserve for something truly unwatchable? But most of the decisions here didn’t make sense, the ending was dubious, and seriously WHY WERE THERE SO FEW WOMEN? Maybe show that women are more than one-dimensional by - actually developing some of the women to be more than one-dimensional? We did get a new planet and there were some good one-liners, but this one was a mess.

#long post #stargate sg1 #reaction post #where are all the women?#emancipation

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deadendsave · 1 year

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Delilah Hodges’ Journal (3)

1: It’s been a year. I still haven’t been able to contact my parents. I eventually gave up and accepted the fact that they’re probably never coming back for me. I really hope they’re still alive. If I knew they were, I’d be relieved. But I don’t think I could ever forgive them for leaving me for so long. I’m trying to not resent them, but it’s hard.

2: 18th birthday. I made it to adulthood. I remember I used to get so excited about birthdays, now it’s hard to get through them. It’s not fair that I get to keep growing older, and Quinn’s always gonna be 15. I know she wouldn’t want me feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I’m tired of being guilty for having these feelings. I’m guilty because I feel like I should be happier. I don’t know why I do this to myself.

3: Quinn, my old camp, my parents, the bar looters. It’s all changed me so much. I miss being happy. I try to pretend to be in front of Todd and Linda. I don’t wanna seem ungrateful for everything they do for me. I slip up sometimes though, Linda notices the most. I always tell her I’m fine, I’m just tired.

4: On a more positive note, a lot’s happened since I filled up my last journal. I’ve read so many books. Some were great, some were… not so great. Most of the “classics” are boring to me. There’s still a lot of reading to do, I’ve barely scratched the surface of all that the bookstore has to offer. I’ve also been (very slowly) improving my hunting skills. Still not great, but I’m getting there. I learned how to drive Todd’s truck. He won’t let me drive without him being in the passenger seat because he’s super protective over it.

5: Todd and Linda surprised me by cleaning out the apartment above the bookstore. I have my own space now! No more sleeping on the couch. It’s got water and electricity, it’s a little faulty though. The lights flicker a lot. But still! My own place! I’m gonna start decorating with all of the time times things I’ve collected.

6: Someone showed up at the bar this morning. For a minute, I thought it was my parents. Nope. Just some guy covered in blood. He said his name was Mitch. He’s not much older than me. He’s the youngest person I’ve come across since… never mind. So far he’s been nice, I don’t trust him though. I want to, but people pretend to be good all the time. What if he’s just pretending?

7: Great, he’s gonna be staying with us. I don’t think that’s a good idea. It would be wrong to just kick him out on the street, but still. He said he was alone. He could be lying. What if he has friends and they’re just waiting for their signal to barge in and attack us. I know Todd is watching him like a hawk but I’m still not comfortable. He could be just like those people that showed up last year.

8: Last year, a young couple came to the bar pretending they needed help. They actually just wanted to take everything we had, including our home. What Todd had to do was terrible, but he didn’t have a choice. The man grabbed me and said he wanted to “keep me.” I felt so disgusted. We would’ve helped them with whatever they needed if they would’ve just asked. I’m scared Mitch is gonna be just like them.

9: I’ve been avoiding Mitch as much as possible this past week. I don’t want to come off as a bitch, I could be nicer. The old me would’ve been, but things change. Linda’s been trying to ask him all about his life, he says there’s nothing worth talking about. What is he hiding?

10: I’m not as good as keeping up with journaling anymore. Here’s an update though. Turns out, Mitch is actually pretty cool. I’m still hesitant to get too close, but he’s a nice friend to have around. I enjoy his company. He found an old guitar, he’s been playing songs for me. He’s not that bad. Plus, I’m realizing he’s kinda cute.

11: Mitch knocked on my door last night, said he couldn’t sleep. I let him in my apartment, and we sat and talked on the balcony all night. At first, it was just awkward small talk. Then he asked me why I had so many ocean-themed things. I told him all about my fascination with the ocean and marine life. I got a little embarrassed and apologized for nerding out and talking so much. He said it was cool though. I think he was just being nice.

12: Mitch came back over this morning, said he found a few things I might like while he was out hunting with Todd. He handed me a tiny lighthouse statue. I wanted to cry, it was just such a sweet gesture. It meant he was actually listening to me. He also handed me a box. Inside was a bracelet kit. That’s when I really had a hard time fighting back the tears. He said he figured I might want to make a new one since the one on my wrist was so old. I feel like that was Quinn’s way of letting me know it’s okay to let him in.

13: I said I’d only wear a new one if he made it and pinky promised me to always wear the one I make him. He laughed at first, but we sat down and made each other bracelets. I took the one Quinn made me off. Mitch was right, it was getting old. I didn’t want to end up breaking it or losing it. I’ll keep it somewhere safe.

14: I told him all about my parents and Quinn. It was hard to talk about them out loud. Mitch told me about his mom though. I can’t even imagine what it was like to have to do that to her. I could see the pain in his eyes as he was talking about it. He looked like he was reliving it. I didn’t know what to say so I just held his hand hoping it would help. I don’t know if it did though.

15: Mitch took me out during the day to practice my shooting skills. I kept getting frustrated, but he was really patient with me. When we were walking back home we saw something in the distance. I got freaked out. It looked like a person. When Mitch went to go investigate, there was nothing there.

16: Mitch surprised me with a turntable and some records there were in (almost) perfect condition, just a little dusty. He was so excited, he looked like he couldn’t wait to give them to me. We set up the turntable and put on some music. I made him dance with me. We both sucked, but we didn’t care. He leaned in and kissed me. I was nervous but it felt right. For the first time in what felt like forever, I felt content.

17: Before Mitch, i couldn’t really wrap my head around the whole love thing. It just seemed so complicated. But i get it now. It’s nothing like what I’ve read in books. It’s more simple than that but it’s real and it’s raw. It’s the warm, comforting feeling I get when I’m with him. It doesn’t have to be anything else. That’s enough for me.

dialogue note, delilah’s apartment:

Mitch: This scar makes me ugly.

Delilah: Hey, at least you’re still alive. Plus I think it makes you look kinda badass.

Mitch: Badass? I look like one of the sick.

Delilah: Well, I don’t think you do. And you’re not ugly! Not that looks really should matter that much anymore. I don’t know why we still care about things like that. It’s kind of silly when you think about it.

Mitch: Thanks, but I know you’re just saying that to make me feel better.

Delilah: I’m not! I think you’re beautiful. I really mean it.

Mitch: Oh, so you think… I’m beautiful? 😏

Delilah: Shut the fuck up! Don’t make me regret saying that.

#delilah #millhaven journals

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winterspiderlover2704 · 2 years

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Chapter 15

Immortal Dilemmas

The Mikaelson’s never claimed to be kind and merciful vampires, on many occasions they have claimed to be the exact opposite. But what no one can deny is their loyalty and devotion to those they claim as family. They have their differences and feuds, but no one could deny the bonds in the family. With Stefan being accepted in to the family along with his wife and sons, that loyalty and devotion is extended to them and returned. Damon, however, had failed in seeing that. He thought at worst his brother would try to hurt him but ultimately forgive him later as always and for Klaus to show fake sympathy. He never expected for him to end up in the dark and damp dungeons under the mansion. He’s lost track of how long he’s been there.

Klaus, as agreed, has had no hand in Damon’s punishment and torture but Stefan and Rebekah had been very hands on. Rebekah had started by removing vital organs other than his heart and head from his body and making him crawl across the room to retrieve them. He was given barely enough blood to access his healing, what would have taken an hour to heal took him a day. That was the first week of his stay. Then his dear little brother came down, that ungrateful bratty brother of his had decided a very painful tactic. He was pinned to the wall by bear traps and still had open wounds from ‘Sexy Bex’ when his brother had decided that he was filthy. So slowly Stefan, with rubber gloves on to prevent himself from being harmed, cleaned the wounds and blood from his brother with water laced with vervain.

Ron and Hermione were enraged for their sister and nephews/godsons. It was decided that they would be the ones to teach Damon on their family’s behalf. They hadn’t used the Unforgivable Curses but had used some…not so kind spells after finding them in the Black family books. After the war they had adapted a grey morality, none of the trio had came out of it without blood on their hands. Ron had learned that it didn’t take a complicated spell in order to cause harm, especially to cause harm to a vampire. Ron had ignored the snarling from the bear trapped Damon and stabbed his wand through his forearm that caused Damon to grunt in pain. He then chanted, “Lumos Solem.”, and barely flinched when Damon started screaming his lungs out. The spell caused sunlight to be released out of the wand in a flash. It was enough to burn a medium sized hole and Ron proceeded to do so to each of Damon’s limbs. When finished Damon’s throat was hoarse and had tears running freely , “That was for making my godsons cry and hurting their poor throats. I thought best to just repay the favor.”, he ended with a smirk.

He would let Damon sit in a puddle of his own blood before leaving and healing him the next day, no blood required so no need to feed. Damon would beg for some but it fell to deaf ears. That was the routine for about three days before Hermione decided to be the final punisher for the remainder of Damon’s sentence. Damon kept obnoxiously flirting with her yet demeaning her at the same time. She learned a spell that had been used by death eaters quite frequently. Vampires enjoyed taking blood so much, how would one feel if theirs was practically drained out? “Sanguis Coquite.”, Damon had gone red and thrashed around as he felt the blood in his veins start to sizzle. It only stopped when he was on the brink of passing out, “I believe this would suffice in teaching you to never try and drain my sister. You try again and I’ll see to it that the last thing you feel is your blood evaporating from your body.”, she said as she snarled and violently gripped Damon’s face with her hand.

Klaus had decided to release him after three weeks. Three weeks of being tortured by vampires, a wizard, and a witch. I’m the whole time that Mystic Falls had known Damon Salvatore, it had never seen him so quiet after he had reappeared. The gang was worried about him just plopping down own the couch with an entire case of bourbon after he got out. He snapped at anyone that questioned what they did to him. He didn’t want them to know that in desperation he had begged…and cried. It took a week before he was back to his normal self but still flinched at the sight of the Potters.

During his confinement Elena had not been successful in getting help and on her own she couldn’t accomplish much. She threatened breaking the deal with Klaus but he coolly responded, “If that is what you so desire Miss Gilbert but be aware that breaking the deal will lead to me personally having access to do as I please to gain your blood.” She went white at the veiled threat. She thought briefly on how her loved ones could be affected and threw it away and thought on what matters the most to her. Herself, every doppelgänger has shown that all they care for is self preservation and getting what they want. She is no different and in a way similar to Katherine by setting a mask to hide her true self. Klaus had told her before that he could just put her in a coma and use her, she wasn’t about to risk that.

No one from the gang was willing to risk hybrid fury by trying to break into the mansion. After Elena described the abilities of the new residents while intrigued Bonnie still refused. Elena blamed Caroline for this. Ever since Caroline’s little rant everyone had stopped catering to her. She openly held a glare towards the Potter family and as such had started gossip in the small town. If anything it made Elena even more upset because it was giving more attention to Potter and her brats. But that was all she was allowed to do but if she so much as tried to purposely cough in their direction she would pay for it. It was needless to say the gang was restless. The humans of the group were done dealing with Elena shaped problems and dying then coming back to life with weird side effects.

Caroline was a traitor in Elena’s eyes, she had left when she was really needed. Caroline was tentatively talking more to Klaus and made it known to Stefan that she was trying to cut Elena out of her life. Stefan was happy for her. Klaus was ecstatic to get closer to the baby vamp. Everyone was hesitant but they gave Caroline the benefit of doubt. She and Tyler became close friends again but they wouldn’t pursue a relationship. She got to know the Potters a bit more and couldn’t believe Elena was spewing acid about such nice people.

In the meanwhile during Damon’s punishment the new residents of Mystic Falls have finally made themselves at home. Their house was feeling closer to home. The boys were growing beautifully and developing at a accelerated (to these parents any sign of the boys growing would be too fast) rate. Stefan and Hailey have had so much fun with their boys simply with tummy time and shaking rattles to see their adorable expressions. The only down part was when he went to the boarding house to pick the last few things he had gotten another earful from Elena. That day it was finally headed towards the cooler months. School would start in less than a month. She was still on the ropes about joining Ron and Hermione in muggle school. She wanted to be with Stefan but she didn’t want to leave Cedar and Caelan at home.

Stefan said whatever decision she would come to he would follow. If she wanted to go, he’ll be there walking her to classes and driving her home. If she wanted to stay home he would drop out and stay home with her to help with the boys. They would discuss it at length later. Hailey was wearing a black long sleeve, red plaid skirt (which if walked in a certain way drove Stefan insane), sheer leggings, and her combat boots. Stefan was wearing his dark grey leather jacket, a white shirt, black jeans, and combat boots. Cedar was in a black onesie with sleeves that had a magicians wand on it and he had red gloves and baby booties on. Caelan was in a red onesie that read ‘I BITE’ on it, it had sleeves and he had black gloves and baby booties on.

Hailey came with him as she trusted Elena as far as she could throw her with a pinky finger. He asked her to stay in the car with the boys but she got a feeling something was wrong and was proven right when she heard Stefan snarl. What is wrong with that girl?!

Why Elena was there he wouldn’t know, until he went into his room and was assaulted with the smell of her invading his once personal space. “Elena what the hell where you doing in my room?!”, he went to his closet and drawers and found that the majority of the clothes he had left were practically drenched in Elena’s overly candy sweet scent. She opened her mouth to answer but Stefan had spoke again,”Why the hell were you wearing my clothes!?” At this point she was in tears as Stefan looked at her is disbelief. Why couldn’t Stefan see that they were supposed to be together, with her not some witch?!?

“I missed you! Okay, Stefan I just missed you, Damons been here but then you took him away. And it doesn’t help that my heart always went back to-“ she was interrupted when Stefan had snarled at her. She tried to step closer and put her hand on his face but he sped away from her to the other side of the room. How dare she!?

“Elena! Get this through your head okay?! I don’t love you! I’m married! I have children! I love Hailey Potter-Salvatore! Give Damon your heart for all I care just leave me out of it! We’re done Elena we’ve been done for over a year!”, Hailey had came in with boys in her arms to see what was happening. Seeing her husband in a defensive position on the other side of the room was enough to tell her that once again Miss Gilbert was creating a problem. Hailey caught her husbands attention and he sped towards her and wrapped his arms around his family. He took comfort at the boys calm breathing and Hailey’s scent. She wordlessly handed him the boys after he calmed down enough. She turned to the doppelgänger and wasn’t surprised to see her fuming like a child that was told she wasn’t allowed to play with her old favorite toy.

“Now, Gilbert, I do believe I have warned you about staying away from my husband-“, she was interrupted when Elena stomped her foot. Like an actual child.

“Stefan should be with me! You trapped him. You-you- You Freak!”, and just like that it seems as if Hailey had shrunk in on herself and flinched away. Stefan had growled and passed the children back to her. Hailey looked up confused until Stefan had sped to Elena and had a hand around her throat. Elena was trying to push his hand off to no avail.

“I will not condone anyone badmouthing MY MATE AND WIFE! Especially you! If you ever do so again I will remove your heart and shove it down Damon’s throat! Do I make myself clear?”, he said calmly as if he was just asking her if she could pass a beverage. She nodded and she dropped to the floor trying to regain her breath. “Let’s go, hon.”, he directed a smile and got one in return. “There’s nothing here worth taking home anymore.”, he put his hand on the small of her back and headed with her back to the car. The car was silent with the occasional coo from the boys that made the parents smile as Stefan had his hand on Hailey’s thigh and she put her own on top of his. Stefan’s protective display had stirred something in her. He followed her up to the nursery and trailed after her like a puppy she proceeded to put the boys down for their evening nap. She took his hand and led him back to their room.

Their room had a dark red wall pattern and all the furniture was dark red oak. Their bed was a king canopy bed. He hadn’t understood the smirk his brother and sister in law had send his wife. Hailey later explained that it was similar to how her dorm room was like at her school. The house was practically filled with red and golden aesthetic, apparently their house colors.

He had a confused smile on his face and was pleasantly surprised when Hailey started kissing him passionately. He got his bearings and gripped her hips and deepened the kiss. When they broke apart they were both breathless and smiling. She nuzzled his neck and he leaned himself more towards her. He could feel her smile into his neck. “Thank you. With how everything was I never was protected like that. I was always supposed to be the one protecting. Don’t get me wrong, my siblings would be there but there were times when they couldn’t and it got to me.”, Hailey had said into his neck and he could feel the heat building on her cheeks. His heart broke for her and he made a silent vow to always protect her from even the smallest things. He cupped her face and made sure they were looking eye to eye.

“I will do everything I can to make sure that we are protected and safe. I-I love you, so much. So much more than I thought I was capable of feeling. The thought of you in any pain emotionally, mentally, or physically it just makes me want to bundle you up and get rid of whatever made you like that. You and the boys, you make my existence and immortality feel like a good thing.”, with Elena it was expected of him to protect her but with Hailey she didn’t expect anything from him, other than to keep looking at her the way he does now. It wasn’t one sided and it wasn’t him just giving and giving, it was mutual adoration. He protects and loves her and she doesn’t hesitate to return it. Elena had constantly talked of not becoming a vampire and not being able to handle immortality. But Hailey showed a light at the end of the tunnel, her and their boys were worth living through everything and anything. The resumed kissing, Stefan had picked her up from the back of her thighs and she placed her arms around his neck.

*START SMUT SCENE*

They were both getting lost in the kiss but Stefan was craving the taste of his mate. He nipped at her bottom lip and used her gasping to slip his tongue in. The kiss felt different it felt…hungry. Neither had been able to truly feel each other for four months, they were desperate for each other. But Stefan was still hesitant, was it safe for Hailey to do the…extraneous act? He broke the kiss and nearly done himself in when Hailey whimpered and started to mark his neck. He bit back a moan and panted out, “Sweetheart *groan* is it…okay for us to keep going?”, while asking Hailey had decided to teasingly trail her hand down but stopped just before her hand would land were Stefan was yearning for her touch.

She looked up coyly and started stripping in front of Stefan. Showing confidence that wasn’t there when they were first intimate and it made Stefan’s mouth water. She was flushed but had a teasing smile on. In front of Stefan, Hailey had black set on. Her wonderful breast were incased in satin cups and her maidenhead was teasingly hidden under a black cloth of lace. The black made her skin look as if it was made of porcelain. Her scars and toned body just as before made her look like a war goddess. How he yearned to mark that beautiful body to show everyone that she was his and he was hers. She did a come hither motion and that was enough to convince him that she wanted him and she wanted him now. To repay her he also started to strip.

Stefan’s body was so much more defined than she had realized. If she hadn’t thought he was a marble statue before she did now. His abs were tantalizing and all she could think of was marking his tan skin. To show everyone who dared listed after Stefan that they could look all they want but they would NEVER be allowed to touch let alone taste. Once Stefan was in his boxers her control had snapped, she surprised Stefan by pushing him to sit on the edge of the bed and nearly bugged his eyes out when she dropped to her knees. His goddess was kneeling before him…she will be the death of him.

She swiftly pulled his underwear off and put as much as his herculean in her mouth as she could. Whatever she couldn’t fit she stroked with her hand. She rolled her tongue, licked, and sucked at the tip. She looked up to see Stefan expressions to see if she was doing a fair job. His head was thrown back and he was using a hand to hide his noises, that wouldn’t do. She slurped as she raised her head up and down. Stefan couldn’t handle it and his groans, moans, and whimpers were filling Hailey’s ears. And just as he was about to come she pulled her mouth off. He was a panting mess and looked at her as if she was a gift from the heavens. He wanted to repay the favor, so he tugged her up to him and pushed her down onto the bed.

She looked surprised at the sudden switched positions. Without much thought Stefan dove in to enjoy the taste of Hailey’s most intimate part. She gasped, moaned, whimpered, and squirmed at the sensation of Stefan’s tongue. What made her nearly undone was when he started to flick and suck on the little bud on her flower. She put a hand in his hair and forced him up to give him a filthy kiss filled with possessiveness, lust, and love. She was straddling him with their chest pushed together and their panting nearly in sync. She grabbed his hard on and lined it to her opening. With meeting his eyes she slammed herself down. It hurt a bit but the pain was nothing compared to the pleasure of having Stefan inside her again.

As if something unlocked at seeing her pleasure herself by using his body he started fucking up into Hailey in an almost bruising force. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders to keep her balance as Stefan took control. Soon enough she was on her back again with her ankles being held by Stefan. At this angle he went so much deeper and unlocked new sensations. He was sucking marks onto her neck and chest. She tugged him down to return the favor. Soon enough it was becoming too much and then Stefan reached down. He started furiously rubbing at her clit and it pushed her to climax. The tightening of her walls and her ankles pushing him further into her finally made Stefan release into her. They stayed together there panting until Stefan slipped out causing Hailey to whimper at the sensitivity.

He fond a towel and started cleaning both of them up. He put some boxers on and grabbed his shirt for Hailey to put on. Once situated he laid on his back in bed and she made herself comfortable on his chest. They shared one last kiss before they fell asleep.

*SMUT SCENE END*

As the young couple laid to sleep they had no prior indication that tomorrow would bring chaos. As Klaus and Rebekah were sure that the Potters were now situated in home they could finally awaken their brothers. There wasn’t anything left other than to tell the pack that it would be safer for them to leave the mansion. Klaus walked up to Tyler, his first hybrid, as he directed others to put the coffins into the ballroom. “Tyler, everyone! I need your attention. In these coffins are the rest of my family. The thing is my brothers are about as temperamental as me. As soon as you can I need all of you to leave. I will not risk your lives and my brothers would hurt any of you just to anger me. So please until I know for sure that my brothers won’t kill any members of the pack I need you lot to stay away. Understood?”, the pack was quiet none of them were comfortable with leaving their alpha to endure the rage of his family especially after him telling them that he wouldn’t risk their lives. But it was an order from the alpha and they can’t disobey.

“Where should we go? I don’t think there’s a place that could house all of us. I would suggest my house but my mother is too noisy for her own good.”, Tyler contemplating out loud when the pack made their way outside. There was thirty of them now. A light went off above Tyler’s head and he got out his phone and dialed her number. The pack was looking at him curiously and then they heard her voice.

“Hello? Tyler?”, the English accent along with her voice being a melody made it clear that it was Hailey Potter-Salvatore. She sounded tired. Did she just wake up from a nap it was only four in the evening. Tyler explained the situation and asked if the had room for some of the pack. His plan was to take some to his home and say they were friends from school that wanted to stay overnight for a project. Send some to the Potter Mansion and use the money Klaus gave them to send the remaining few to a hotel. “Oh of course! We have plenty of room for everyone just make your way and I’ll meet you in a few. She hung up and Tyler was a bit shocked that Hailey was willing to house thirty hybrids. But not wanting to look the horse in the mouth they made their way.

Back in the Mikaelson Mansion Rebekah and Klaus were setting things up. While Rebekah got the modern clothing for her brothers along with some hair appliances, Klaus had dragged in a couple of coolers with blood bags. Who knew how thirsty Finn would be? Sage was finally there and making sure to avoid Damon. She was so happy to hear that Finn was alive and that they would be together again. Klaus had borrowed a magical book from Hermione and a toy wand from Ron for Kol. When everything looked in place they each made their way to a brother. Rebekah with Kol, Sage with Finn, and Klaus with Elijah. They looked to each other and at the same time pulled the dagger out. Klaus got the box out and placed the daggers in. They went to the opposite wall and slid down it , waiting for signs of awakening.

Three gasps filled the room, taking in air for the first time in centuries. Or months for Elijah. The three rose from their sitting places to look at the vampires in the coffins. Klaus smirked.

“Welcome back, brothers.”

#harry potter #fem!harry potter #harry potter x stefan salvatore #master of death #stefan salvatore #vampire diaries #babies #klaus mikaelson #anti damon salvatore #anti elena gilbert #the originals

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withoutawar · 2 years

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( ★ .˚ 𝐒𝐔𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐏𝐎𝐖𝐄𝐑 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

★ . muse questionnaire. intended for superpowered muses like superheroes, mutants, metahumans, etc. repost, do not reblog, and remember to tag your partners! tagged by : stolen off a different blog’s dash whoops tagging : anyone :)

you’re given the chance to give up your abilities. do you?

“No. These abilities give me the chance to fight off threats and protect people. They also most likely saved my life.”

you’re given the chance to change your power set, losing whatever you previously had. what or whose do you choose, if any?

“The serum is exactly what I needed at the time. I wanted to fight in a war and to do that I needed to kick the shopping list of reasons I kept getting 4Fed for. It’s like the super serum was tailor made for me...”

are there any abilities you would like in addition to your own?

“I’d sure as hell like to fly. Try running patrol with Thor and Tony and a delinquent with wings jumps you. I’m grateful for the SHIELD hover bike, really, but it’s no repuslor powered jetpack or . . . whatever magical properties that gives Thor his ability to fly.”

how competent do you feel with your abilities?

“Fairly competent. It was a steep learning curve when I got them, but I’ve always been a fast learner. I was always learning new things I could do with the shield, though, and now that I don’t have it anymore, guess there’ll be opportunity to pick up a few new tricks.”

do you, or have you ever, wish you had never gotten the abilities you have?

“No. Like I said, without the serum, I’d have been lucky to have made it to my 30s with the medicines and treatments I could afford at the time. Not to mention, I would have spent that time alone in an apartment, feeling helpless and sorry for myself.”

what is the best part of having the abilities that you do?

“I have a fighting chance against threats to people’s safety and freedom. I have the chance to protect people, people who need help, and the people I care about the most . . . not that that always works out the way I want it to . . .”

what is the worst part of having the abilities that you do?

“I . . . wouldn’t want to sound ungrateful - sorry, I’ve gotta take this call, I’ll be right back . . .” [ refer to this post if you’re really curious, he just would never say it out loud. ]

have there been any unexpected side effects of your abilities, good or bad?

“The, uh, attention can be a lot. But it can also be helpful, so I take it as it comes.”

are there any mundane things your abilities have made easier (e.g. opening jars)?

“Uh, breathing is right up there.”

are there any mundane things your abilities have made more difficult?

“I’m grateful for what the serum did for me. But it did change me. I spent 23 years accepting who I was, and a lot of the things I struggled with had to do with my body. The rest of me, I was pretty comfortable with. Then overnight, most of the things that made me doubt myself went away . . . but they were replaced by a whole other series of doubts. I guess it would be nice to know whether the people I meet now are seeing me for me, or the science built body that I walk around in. Uh . . . sorry, I’m just gonna grab some water. I’ll be right back.”

are there any aspects of your abilities that you would never use?

“No. Everything the serum gave me is pretty darn helpful.”

when you got your abilities, did you know how to use them immediately, or did it take practice?

“Walking around in a 5′4″ body with barely an ounce of muscle is very different to a body that’s almost completely muscle. Everything was off, at first. I’d spent my whole life adjusted to being half deaf in one ear and I had scoliosis so my centre of gravity was off. But imminent danger is good motivation to learn. I’d already completed basic training by the time I got the serum, but the serum opened up a whole new avenue of training. Most of it happened on the job. Apart from the physical attributes, everyone kind of assumed I was an actual captain and knew what I was doing, when most of the time I was praying I wasn’t going to get these boys killed. Fighting a war is one thing, and I could have put my head down and done that. Being Captain America - that was something I struggled with right up to the day I passed the shield over.”

have you had any accidents with your powers, minor or major?

“Yeah, a few minor things while I was getting used to the body. A few more major mishaps as I was getting used to slinging the shield. And there’s always still more collateral than I’d like after a fight in public, around civilians.

is there anything you would change about your abilities?

“Didn’t we already do this question?”

have you ever used your abilities to do something immoral or illegal?

“You’d really have to get into the definition of immoral or illegal. I mean, are we talking from a philosophical point of view, or straight outta the dictionary, because --- Sorry, Captain America’s calling me again, I have to go. Let’s not do this again for a while . . . Hey, Sam --- ’

#* files & about & headcanon.#ooc * for legal purposes this is a joke.

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sllhouettedreams · 1 year

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I am the anon who asked the ungrateful question.

I don't know what my apology is worth or if it is accepted.

I can't say I know what it's like to go through certain situations but I understand the theme of losing someone, of wanting to disappear and then in the impossibility of doing so of that depression that digs into you and wears you down constantly.

You don't find much comfort from the outside, having grown up with a broken family and growing up pretty much on your own, you learn to stay afloat by necessity.

Then the disease tests you severely when everything else is already commanding a plunge.

Personally, not having economic possibilities to solve certain problems, I found solace only in my writing. I cannot say if or how much trying again can help you but years later I can say that it is one of the engines that has kept me alive (literally)

I am sorry you did not get the feedback you expected for your works but know that if your writing touched even one soul it was worth it and believe me mine is one of them.

If you need/want to talk I’m here, anytime

Ahhhh i didnt see it as ungrateful and it didnt bother me!!! I know you werent aware of the situation so i'm not holding anything against you. I just felt that i should give an honest answer. It also actually made me reflect on the story, so the rambling was also full of revelation. In a way, i guess i'm grateful for your question. I dont allow myself a lot of emotional vulnerability even when i'm alone. 😅

I'm happy that you enjoyed the story and felt something having read it. I actually posted forehead kisses because i have been thinking about writing again. While it so far hasnt been anything (new) AFTG related, i feel like it could be soon.

At the risk of sounding like Neil Josten, truthfully i'm fine (🤣) that is to say, yea ive been through some shit. But there's nothing to worry about with me. I'm safe and moving forward.

But pls if you feel comfortable we can dm or whatever. I also have a twitter which i am regrettably even more addicted to than tumblr

#ask

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arabellaflynn · 2 years

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The SOJD is on hiatus. The Celtics dance team has gone mixed-gender this year, and he is one of the first men they signed. If any of you are the sort who watch sportsball and actually pay attention to the non-sportsball segments of the broadcast, have fun trying to guess which one of the guys did his best to teach me hip hop.

He says it is temporary. He swears that teaching is "necessary for [his] mental health", and that he's going to figure out how to run single-session pop-ups whenever he can. In theory, he'll go back to twice-weekly classes in April if our team sucks, June if we don't.

I don't like not having that class. It was useful in a technical training sense, but a lot of classes are; I picked up two others that will teach me equally useful things. They're fine. My schedule is fine. Everything's fine, and I hate it. I've spent the past two weeks trying to come up with a reasonable career-based argument for why I'm at such a loss right now, and I can't, because there isn't one.

I miss that class because I felt wanted. And it's taken me this long to articulate that because it feels like a petty thought to have. There are a million other people who have been perfectly lovely to me, and extended a welcome as soon as I asked for one. It shouldn't matter that someone walked up and started talking to me first for once, but it does. I feel ungrateful and childish for caring.

It took me forever to figure out what he was up to, because normally people are only that persistent about talking to me when they want something. He didn't seem to want special treatment from the desk and he was way too gay to be angling for a date, so I didn't know what the fuck. The other thing people normally want out of me is emotional work, because when you're known to be generally unflappable it makes you look like a great repository for everyone's trauma-thoughts, but it actually took me months to convince him that when I asked "how are you?" that was an actual question and not a social noise, so.

He didn't want me to do anything for him. I eventually wound up doing a lot of things for him, but I hadn't done any of them yet, and neither of us had any idea I was going to. He didn't have to talk to me at all. Most of the friends I have now are people who could not avoid making my acquaintance. We worked together or volunteered together or did a show together, or something. We're friends now because we like each other, but we only figured that out because we were required to interact at some point whether we wanted to or not. The SOJD could have just waved and walked past me. But he just wanted to chat, so he did.

How pathetic am I being that this actually matters?

I also felt very seen in that class, which is a whole 'nother can of worms. I have a love/hate relationship with attracting attention in classes, especially from the instructor. On the one hand, I understand it's supposed to be flattering, but on the other hand, I learn far better if I'm just fed a whole bunch of information and then left alone to sort through it, and I know from experience that attention is eventually going to end in me being deputized. I've picked up two other classes to fill in some hours, and both of them have already either started using me as an example. It irks me, but not enough to say anything; explaining why I have so much baggage around it is pretty much never worth the trouble. I just accept that if I want to take classes I'm going to have to put up with being the demonstration model in much the same way I accept that if I want to leave my house I'm going to have to put on real pants. It's just one of life's many annoyances.

Like life's other annoyances, you don't realize how much energy you put into dealing with it until you don't have to. The SOJD likes to pull people who are doing well up to the front row, because watching them succeed makes him happy. He tried it with me exactly once. I asked him, "Why am I up here?" he said, "Do you not like being up front?" I said "NO I DO NOT," he said, "Okay, you can go back where you were." Fin. I eventually drifted closer to the front of my own accord, once the mirror was more help than distraction, but he never brought it up again. I've never felt like I could have that conversation with an instructor, much less that it would solve more problems than it caused.

A lot of things have panned out like that. Fundamentally, I was just grateful to finally be in a room run by someone who Gets It, for certain very specific values of It that confound most other people. A lot of it has to do with understanding that yes, I am always in some amount of pain, and no, that doesn't always mean it would be better if I stopped doing whatever I'm doing. I can choose to do things that hurt, if doing them is more important to me than not being in pain, but that means I forfeit the right to have my pain acknowledged, because mentioning it just makes other people concerned to the point where they interfere. But I might decide that I just can't that day, and that decision isn't always going to be consistent, because it depends on a million bizarre and esoteric factors that I could not even begin to unpack.

I've only had to bail on class a couple of times. The last time I did it, I told him "love y'all, but if I keep going I'm gonna throw up on someone's shoes." He laughed at me -- which was the correct response, because I was being flippant -- but also let me go without kicking up a fuss about whether I was okay enough to get myself home. I've seen him do the normal-person thing when other people have mishaps in class, so I know he knows what most people expect. Having my own self-assessment respected by default is not something I expect, because it happens so rarely.

A part of me is sorry that he Gets It, because this is stuff you can't understand unless you live it for yourself. But I'm not responsible for other people having bad experiences decades before I met them, and now that they are where they are in life, I'm glad when I run into them.

I hate not having that space. I hate not having a class where I don't have to make sure I look 'okay' so I can fly under the radar. I do warn most dance teachers that I'm very bendy and will probably make a lot of mechanically-puzzling choices, but that's not the same as being able to say, "Wow, that really fucking hurts. Hang on a minute and I'll do it again," and not have to deal with all the fallout.

from Blogger https://ift.tt/cAxXmzD via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

#IFTTT #Blogger #Unsolicited Advice

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awkwardnoob · 1 year

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More Pokemon AUs! Part 2: Law Special Edition

I apologize for nothing again

Law: Warning: Some Death and stuff (we just love canon genocide here- yeah no we don’t, sorry Law)

- Law thought his first partner was going to be a Happiny. His family had a Blissey, and he even got one of her eggs (and unlike Mr. Mystery Egg Garp, this was indeed their Blissey’s egg and his parents knew that)

- Something bad happens to that egg. I’m sorry egg. (It gets smashed)

- On the positive side: His sister gets to live!

- On the negative side: Lami survives very specifically because the family Blissey does not. Blissey being there to help her instead of Lami being alone is what saves her, but she either doesn’t survive getting Lami out, or is sacrificed later so both children can escape something else. (It’s Blissey’s choice to do this, the kids don’t just leave her to die like ungrateful assholes)

The Death is over!

- Law is incredibly bitter and refuses to accept a pokemon even though Doflamingo offers to get him one, because “There’s no point if I’m going to die and leave it alone anyway.” His sister isn’t the ‘destroy and maim and kill before I die’ type but she’s still pretty hopeless about surviving and also refuses. Doflamingo respects this actually.

- Cora kidnaps them, and the kids still insist that getting a partner is hopeless during their trip later, but Cora gifts them some love balls anyway. Cora has them because of Doflamingo and the heart motif, but welcome to the only type of ball Law is going to use for the rest of his life.

- While the kids are waiting for Cora to get back is when Law meets his future partner. He jerks into awareness when something touches his forehead only to find that it’s an Audino.

- An Audino who is clearly, actively checking he and his sister’s health and trying to help them. Is Law bitter that the only doctor that wants anything to do with them is a pokemon? Yes, he absolutely is. He snaps at her to go away but she won’t.

- Wild pokemon rarely understand human language, just their emotions, and Law’s emotions more strongly said he was scared and didn’t want he and his sister to be alone. Their retellings of their first meeting is very different and only Chopper can appreciate it. Will Chopper ever hear them? Will Law and Audino learn the truth? Find out next time on-

- Cora comes back shot. Lami stays behind because she’s delirious and Audino stays behind because Cora needs help. Law brings Vergo back. The Audino tries to protect them but gets the shit beat out of her for the trouble.

- Cora is forced to escape without the Audino because he can’t carry both children and her. He feels super bad about it.

- Canon happens, and as the siblings head for the next town, the Audino finds them again. She spends the next several days shoving smashed berry pulp into their mouths and forcing them to chew on the most bitter fucking leaves imaginable. Heal Pulse and other healing moves aren’t a complete replacement for modern medicine, and Audino can’t remove the Amber Lead (she’s probably not even aware that’s what she needs to do or that that’s the problem), but she can at least treat the symptoms like their fevers and this gives them the strength to postpone their deaths until Law figures out his new powers. (Lami hasn’t been coherent in almost a week and suddenly she is and Law is desperately clinging onto this new hope)

- Law and Lami get taken in by Wolf, meet the first trio of Law’s crew.

- “Your Audino is so cool” “She’s not mine, she’s just a wild Pokemon that won’t leave us alone” but it plants the seeds.

- He’s not going to suddenly keel over dead and leave a Pokemon behind. He could have a pokemon of his own. She could be his pokemon.

- Law doesn’t even have to throw the ball at her. All Law really has to do is hold the ball and look at her and she’s tapping it herself. In she goes. First Partner obtained!

- She’s not a Happiny and Law isn’t going to have a Blissey like his parents did, but Audino is still a popular choice for doctors. Catching his Audino is when the fact that he is going to live, and that his dream of being a doctor doesn’t have to be thrown out, really hits him.

- The Law bit turned more into a backstory because I’ve been trying to write this in fic form and it kind of exploded oops. Gonna have to return to him later

“Noob that’s blatant Law favoritism!”

Yes, I am not immune to Law’s charms, moving on.

Lami:

- She’s not some damsel that can be used as bait for Law, thank you very much. She’s very strong and so is/are her pokemon. But her bounty is an absolute joke because the government wants to use her as Law bait. She’s pissed. She blames him.

“I am a strong, independent pirate!”

“We know you are.”

“This is all your fault!”

“I’m sorry.”

(Only really gets fussy about it during the ‘we got bounty raises’ parties and when some bounty hunter buzzes around her like an annoying fly)

- She’s Zoro/Sanji/Killer level probably. If you wanna get a little feisty in this chilis tonight then she’s Luffy/Law/Kidd level. I say it’s more fun (and just plain funnier) to be bold and feisty.

- She has a Comfey.

- She’s not restricted to cutesy mons. She probably has something that looks like it could maul you.

The Heart Pirates:

- They’ll get individual bits when they’ve got more than like 7 names for 20 people

- Bepo has a cubchoo. For once it’s not a killer rabbit cute thing, and really genuinely can not fight. Bepo can fight enough for the both of them though.

- It’s a mink thing. They straight up just do not pokemon battle for some reason. It’s not like it’s taboo or something, it’s just not popular. They might believe that they should just fight themselves instead of making the pokemon do it. -shrug-

- Penguin gets Empoleon. And Eiscue if you really want to give this man a team of Penguins.

- Shachi has a Palafin.

- The hearts have got an aquatic and arctic theme but they’re not relegated to ice and water types. If anything they’ve got practical pokemon.

- They’ve got a Nacli to provide salt and preserve things.

- They’ve also got a few mons with freeze dry for the same purpose.

- Having pokemon for these purposes is actually normal, the straw hats are just weird. (The hearts probably take it a bit farther still tho)

- Something from the Happiny line lives on the Tang. It belongs to neither Trafalgar sibling.

- There is one Pawmo and 3 Pawmi on the crew. Someone’s Pawmo came back with eggs one day while they were on a random island.

Law 2: Electric Boogaloo:

- He wears matching outfits with his Audino without shame.

- He rocked up to Sabaody in matching hoodies with a cute pink nurse pokemon and still managed to look intimidating doing it.

- She likes wearing clothes and accessories. (Except pants and shoes. Hoodies, dresses, hats, hairclips? She’ll wear it all)

- She was fully grown before she met Law, having been the local wild pokemon doctor for the area long before he showed up. Audino is very professional, and nothing seems to rattle her calm vibe.

- Very motherly. Luffy’s Aipom? Chopper? Got mothered during the alliance. She even has the balls to mother Law if he’s not taking care of himself. ‘Trainer and pokemon partner? Lol no, eat this vegetable and go to bed u fuck.’

- Capable of mega evolution.

- She does have a nickname. It’s ‘Nurse Audino’. ‘Nurse -species-’ is his nickname scheme, and it’s because all of his pokemon are fully capable of serving as his assistants during medical procedures. They’ve earned it and I don’t have to fight you because Law will.

- Law has two more pokemon. Somehow they all managed to be female. He didn’t plan this.

- One is a toxicroak. He originally caught her as a Croagunk for the more medicinal uses of her venom. She eventually evolved.

- She hates wearing clothes and accessories.

- One cool cookie. She looks more intimidating than Nurse Audino but she’s very gentle (until Law tells her to kick your ass)

- His third is a Pawmot. She knows revival blessing.

- She dislikes wearing clothes but likes accessories. Especially hair flowers.

- She’s one of the eggs the Pawmo brought back. Law took one off his crewmate’s hands when the eggs hatched and she proceeded to evolve at Mach speed.

Doflamingo:

- He has a Flamigo, and they wear matching sunglasses.

- A lady with a nickname, tho I’m not sure what it is. She has her hidden ability.

- She’s not quite Rosinante levels of clumsy but she’s actually just a little bit goofy. Accidentally slipping and then flailing pitifully as she attempts to get up and Doffy has to help her is a thing that might happen where people can see. Very, very, very rarely.

- Extremely punch clock. Like, if Doffy isn’t around to tell her to attack Law, she won’t. Might even see if she can get Law to pet her. (No, because they’re enemies now and Law’s a fussy hard ass like that, but Luffy will!)

- 100% loyal to Doffy otherwise. Will go from sweet to vicious in an instant the second he commands it.

- “Why does such a jack ass have such a nice pokemon?!” “Nobody knows”

- Nobody knows how she got to Doffy in prison either. She’s just there. Attempts to remove her comically unsuccessfully. They just leave her alone now.

- As funny as she is, she’s still very much Doflamingo’s pokemon, and you really should not underestimate her. (Aipom and Audino would like to file a complaint)

Rosinante:

- Is alive actually.

- The marines think he was attacked by Doflamingo (true) and have no way of knowing he betrayed them for the fruit unless he confesses. He doesn’t, because he can’t exactly look for the kids from a jail cell.

- Maybe he finds them. If he doesn’t, he ends up reuniting with them when Law becomes a warlord.

- Law and Lami spent their time in Doflamingo’s crew thinking he didn’t have a pokemon but he does (and they do learn this on their trip for a cure).

- She’s a noivern. In a love ball, and she does have a nickname (not sure what it is)

- Doffy knew Rosinante had her, the rest of the family knew he had her. No one mentioned it because they thought Rosinante being mute meant he couldn’t command her in battle and thus she was worthless except for being a pet.

- Jokes on them, Rosinante and his Noivern are fully capable of nonverbal communication. But no one thought to ask.

- Rosinante actually kept her away from the kids because she loves kids and him beating them would upset her/she’d be nice to them and that’s not discouraging kids from the pirate life.

- Makes the same stupid goofy ass faces as Cora when she’s happy. Naturally it pisses Law off but Lami loves it.

- Rosinante met her after his family quit being Celestial Dragons. Tiny trash Noibat. It’s not like he could afford to keep her, so she was kind of just a wild pokemon that popped out of a trash can every time he passed by and then followed him around. Saved him from some angry people at least once.

- Rosinante met his Noibat before Doffy met his Flamigo. Doffy might not have met his Flamigo until after they were separated.

- She was in a love ball before Rosinante became Corazon. It was supposed to be a nice gift from Sengoku. For him to pick out a special ball for his very first partner. And then it matched Doffy’s aesthetic years down the line and it kind of ruined it a little.

- She fought the entire family to protect him and did extremely well. Not out of a power difference but thru sheer force of will and devotion. (Which bought Rosinante time for help to arrive)

- She knew it was win or die and proceeded to give it her all.

- Doffy had wanted to capture her to sell because he knew she was strong, but gave up and decided it was better to cut his losses and kill her.

- And then he absolutely failed to make sure she was dead. It’s cool to leave your enemies to bleed out but it’s sooo not efficient.

- Well guess who got back up and made damn sure Rosinante got help? She did. MVP Noivern.

-chugs soda- I am so god damn sleepy. I think this devolved into chaos over time. I’ve got the confidence of a false god right now and I need to get groceries before I can go to bed. Hasta la vistar bitches

#One Piece #Pokemon #By the power of a lack of sleep #I post nothing but the finest cringe #Please enjoy #And if you don't like it then shut the fuck up because I don't care

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hegeso · 9 days

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26.4.24

one of the things that brings me the most pleasure right now, living at this house, is watching passersby from my window or from the porch. they stop, lift up onto their toes, and sniff the wisteria that hangs over the sidewalk.

the scent is a bit floral for my tastes, but it’s such a small joy to witness.

d– asked me for help naming her daughter today. i’ve never felt so honored or like i was doing something so special. to have a part in naming a child…someone else’s child…i’m capital-I Important to someone.

not much else of note. would like for something dramatic and positive to happen to me. would appreciate a bit of entertainment.

27.4.24

i’m in danger if n– keeps saying shit to me about me understanding him and him never feeling cared for in that way before

what the fuck

and him saying he wants to rest his head on me somewhere

and that my voice that was never sharp softens and smooths still at the edges when i talk to him like that

it is a heart squeezing feeling

and i feel dumb

but i’m just being honest with him?

28.4.24

yesterday i had p– promise not to write a song about me. he started a few while we were together, but they either turned into something not for me, or were left unfinished. he cried and asked, “even if it’s about good things?”

i said yes. then i relented and said he could write them, just not record them.

i don’t want to know about it if he does.

29.4.24

half asleep but just trying to get something out of me

in high school, my therapist was the coolest lady ever. i wanted to be like her. she had me sit on her couch and would push me to cry, yell, rage. she would call me out on my shit, swear, and voice the things i was feeling for me. i was struck then, by her, by her confidence and by her shamelessness. she saw what i was doing to myself and that it was hurting me.

in my adolescence i quickly learned that expressing my emotions or asking for things was not allowed. at home, asking for anything, wanting anything–guilt. wanting at home meant i was ungrateful, and the line for what was “too much” shifted moment to moment. at school, wanting too much would mean i was overly competitive, trying too hard, was too emotional.

in the first grade, i got to choose from the treasure box. there was a heavy bracelet with soccer charms on it. i don’t know why, but i had to have it. another girl wanted it too. i don’t remember what happened, but i ended up with it in the end, and i felt guilty. was i talked to by the teacher? did i snatch it away from the girl, and did she cry or tell me i was mean? i still have that bracelet, and i still carry that guilt with me.

another time, younger than first grade, my aunt dana took me to toys-r-us to pick something out for my birthday. i remember that whatever the first thing i wanted (not understanding money or anything like that) was a no-go. dana blew up at me. i felt embarrassed and ashamed for picking out the toy i wanted for my birthday. dana died soon after, and i held on to that guilt. i told my dad about it recently, and he said that sounded like her, that his baby sister wasn’t exactly a good person. hearing that didn’t do much to erase the feeling.

my therapist gave me homework: write a list of things that i wanted. just for myself. not things for anyone else, or that i wanted to do or be for anyone else. she wanted me to be selfish. i don’t remember what i put on my list back then. but now is the time to practice again:

i’m tired, and as i’m soon to fall asleep, i want to be lying in bed next to n–. i want to be held. i want him to hold me. i want my back to be scratched. i want my hair to be pet. i want my face to be touched. i never had that, i was always the one to do the holding and the gently caressing and the rubbing of tired shoulders. i’m fucking sick of that, i’m so angry at p– for never holding me, even when i asked. –even when i asked! i felt like a leech, some small pesky parasite, something unacceptable and all he ever did was take and accept and would never respond to my bids for any kind of closeness. i want to be held and hugged so tight i can hardly breathe, i want to close my eyes and feel enveloped, entangled, and just sleep. i want to take enough in order to have something to give again. i want closeness. i want to feel safe. i want to have a big head about some things. i want to admit to myself that i have some gifts beyond what is average. i don’t want to believe this makes me insufferable, egotistical, full of myself, delusional. fuck! fuck everyone who has ever triedd to stamp me out. fuck anyone who has seen who hard i try and had punished me for it. i want to be corny and say nice things about myself, like that i can really shine. i want to use rare compliments as fuel.

but i’m afraid because i’ve formed an attachment.

i feel as if i’m about to fail a test. i’m afraid that i’m just another person. i’m afraid of being significant. i’m afraid of being insignificant. i’m afraid of being stunted. i need to take a break for a few days before i really try to write my feelings into anything, but this is just for me. i like n–. i think we have all the makings of the most beautiful friendship. my “like” or “attraction” to him isn’t the same as a simple crush, it’s like how a chain of amino acids forms a complete protein. i don’t know how else to extend this metaphor right now. aminos are really fucking cool, they’re essential for life, they each have their own purpose, and you’re telling me if you stick enough of them together, they form a protein????????????????? what the fuck!!!! life is amazing!!! but it’s like! i’ve got all those different amino-feelings with their different amino-feeling functions and squish them all together and it becomes a hearty fucking protein called love, but it’s a complete protein–aaaghh, shut the fuck up

anyway. it’s a complex group of feelings that together seem like they’ll be whole, well-rounded, sustaining.

i want to monopolize his time. i want to be a star. that’s not right, that’s not good enough, no…a star is transfixed, far away, something to look up at

what do i really want to be? i’m afraid of not being anything. i’m afraid of having to cry alone. do i want to be happy? do i want to be a force to reckon with?

this flirtation is perverse. it’s enthralling. how do i be honest about this shit?

i feel scared i feel scared i feel scared i want to cower and hide and rot away and this is how i will fail my tests. ok maybe never mind. maybe he actually is flirting with me.

need to really think about these feelings, and if i will be too stupid to accept them.

no matter what, i refuse to get lost in someone. i’m not playing that shit anymore. i think the damage to my soul would be irreparable if that happened again. i’m refusing to stay stuck in place for anyone else, ever again. i think if n-- felt similarly to how i do, he would meet me halfway, take my hand, and we’d walk forward together.

1.5.24

smoking half cigarettes

sitting in the cold, alone, on the porch swing

division street is peaceful at midnight. it’s may first. my heart feels heavy.

puncture wound on my right hand, swollen, angry.

i learned how to wash blood out of clothes when i was eleven

cold water, bar soap. if the blood dries, it stains. i’m comforted by the smell of metallic water as it washes off the fabric and goes down the drain.

pale glass pools

saturday crosswords

prone/prostrate

3.5.24

i look forward to greater health

girlhood, womanhood, personhood, etc.

can’t really relate. only in dreams. only in small moments with cherished friends. n– is the only one who can call me a girl. i’ve decided that i’m going to let him see parts of me that i’ve never shown anyone else.

when we met. 恋の予感. was that what i knew then? the same kind of knowledge i had the first time i ever saw m–.

5.5.24

i’ve been thinking a lot about who i’ve been, specifically this horrifically fragile/wounded version of me at age 20. i want to take care of her. i think i have to reach her somehow, deep within my mind or in dreams and help her to heal. she was injured, but i’m the one left with scar tissue. she feels completely isolated from me. where is she? it’s so sad.

1.5.2020

i think i spend my life aching to run away to a place where i will experience an entirely new moment, one that doesn’t remind me of anything i’ve ever experienced before. sometimes i can’t decide if everyone is always running away or always staying stuck in place. maybe everyone wants to get away from everything they’ve grown up feeling and all the lives and lies and thoughts and impressions and empty ideas they’ve ever had and maybe everyone stays caught up in those same things forever and ever. nobody ever moves forward or runs somewhere or stays in place because there is no such thing. there is only existing, existing now. all we do is shift the orientation of our axes in ways that seem like we are moving, progressing, changing. we are fixed points in space within a shape that moves around us. we are always in the same positions, our distances in relation to others never change and never have. new and past relationships don’t exist. a relationship always has existed between and amongst all people within society or a universe where everything seems so still yet on this planet we are hurling at speeds immeasurable and incomprehensible to the human mind. internally, daily, there is loudness and motion and seasickness and planetsickness and homesickness but in the presence of the Everything Else we are still, we do not move, we are fixed in space and in time and will never make any more impact than the acknowledgement that something was there. to have a concept, a paradoxical-contradictory-contrasting concept as stillness versus motion, mattering and not mattering, importance and unimportance is something to feel amazement at. awestricken by the wondrousness of something as simple as the fact of a simple being inhabiting a tiny rock blinking in and out of orbit. we are allowed to have big thoughts and wonder and ask questions and feel curiosity. that the Everything Else is allowed the same things too. and perhaps that is where heaven and hell come from? not good and evil. no one has ever agreed about that. what we’ve been missing: stillness and motion, heaven is still, hell is not. and that’s the entire point to a lot of it. nothing ever moves but things do move around. fixed points on rotating, polydimensional axes.

#n #p #d #s #drivel #m

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confuzledartist · 5 months

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An Ode to Chronic Pain

Chronic pain is very annoying; it is somehow both excruciatingly way too consistent to bear and way too randomized to easily predict.

I logically know that putting off sleep or exercise will have an adverse effect on my levels of pain but I still do it.

I am certain that sitting hunched over will be perfectly acceptable because everyone I know does it, until afterward when my shoulders and neck ache.

I am angered that I can’t sing for too long because it will make my jaw pop, so I sing as loud as I can, in a vengeful quest to punish my body for punishing me.

When teachers assign homework, I start questioning how much physical therapy I totally don’t need to do that night, in order to complete it.

It is aggravating that I cannot use my peer’s consensus on how their bodies should be maintained to dictate how I need to behave.

Instead I have to decide what’s worth it and what’s not. I have less rules to work with from the start because I am running on a different system than most.

It’s a game of trying to create a balance of good decisions and bad decisions and finding out which one is which.

Should I be healthy or do my homework? Should I regret letting my emotions be released because I know it makes my neck tense and later ache? And wow, I should have worn my shoes because now my hips and knees hurt.

When your level of pain is higher than others it can feel like you have to prove that you're suffering.

Most people view doctors as a balm to help the pain of whatever they’re going through. So once the pain’s gotten worse again, my mom books me an appointment to the physical therapist. But because my pain levels seem to consistently fluctuate, by the time I’m actually at the appointment my issues might have mostly fixed themselves. And then it feels so incredibly awkward to admit that you’ve been feeling better lately because then why am I here?

It’s an illogical thought process because eventually the pain will get worse again and it’s good to learn methods to help prevent it, but at the moment? In that waiting room? In that office? It feels like getting help is so unnecessary.

The doctor sits down next to me, smiling, asking “how can I help you”? The forms they give me ask about my pain levels and I feel almost embarrassed when I mark it lower than it was when I originally asked to book the appointment. They’re probably wondering why you even booked this, when you don’t need any help.

The weirdest part is that part of me wants to be feeling worse, so I have a “reason” to be asking for help. It’s as though, If I’m not in enough pain that I can’t work nor be happy, then it’s fine that I feel as though all the screws in my joints were wound too tight. And then when I’m still in pain even though I’m begging myself to get better, I feel like I’m not properly using the help that was so nicely given to me.

To all the crappy thoughts:

Pain is cyclical and that’s okay, that’s natural!

Doctors are hired to help you improve, remember that.

If you’re feeling better, that’s great! How can they help you make sure you keep on feeling better? If you’re feeling so much better that you don’t feel you need to get help, that’s great too!

If your pain has gotten worse even if you’ve tried to lessen it, that's perfectly okay. And if you know you “should have” tried more to prevent your pain, that doesn’t mean you deserve to be in pain and it doesn’t mean you're ungrateful for the help.

America’s work and school schedules weren’t built with physical (or mental) health in mind, so it makes sense that you struggle with cramming it into everything else you’re doing.

You are just as deserving of love, help, and empathy when you’re at your worst or when you’re at your best.

#art #drawing #digital art #digital artist #poem with art #kind of mixed media??idk lol #mixed media #my photo #chronic pain #poem #doctor's office #physical therapy #artwork

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subtletruamadumping · 1 year

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Now That I'm Allowed to Think for Myself

______________________________________________________________

I've spent a lot of time trying to unlearn the things that my parents forced down my throat growing up. Growing up Catholic did a lot to fuck up my thoughts and I wrote a bunch of things as a way to try and break away from that kind of thinking and process all the false information I had been given my entire childhood.

Date Written: January 29, 2022

TW: Religious Ideation

_____________________________________________________________

Now that I’m allowed to think for myself,

Or, rather, no one is here to tell me otherwise,

I think I’ve finally learned that I was always wrong.

I was always so sure that the things I was learning at

Home was the whole truth, nothing but the truth.

So help me god I would convert all those

Non-believers to your good word of nothing

But love and acceptance. Except for, of course

Jews, homosexuals, whores that flaunt their body

And cause good men to sin with them.

They might claim they have changed, that

They have finally seen the face of god and want

To repent for their sins so they can get to heaven.

They will never truly be clean and it is very

Easy to turn back to a life of sin.

Keep them at an arm's length.

Not that I’m allowed to think for myself

I think that’s pretty fucked up.

Not a novel idea, honestly, and I am deeply

Embarrassed that I took me so long to shake

The sanity into myself. How could people who

Claim to be so loving, so thoughtful of others

Be so terrible to their fellow man? It was

As if they weren’t viewing them as people.

Listening to a ‘man of god’ go on about he

Types of people he’d be alright with wiping out.

Atheists, transvestites, black people who refuse

To talk ‘correctly’ even after being forced into

Education by the white man.

By being so ungrateful they are rejecting the

Good works of god. They were offered salvation

And rejected it. Now, they don’t deserve it.

Now that I’m allowed to think for myself

And I have untangled myself from what

I grew up listening to, I can finally start to

Grow as a person. The church had me firmly

Pinned down, believing there was really only

One type of person that would make it into heaven.

Loud, white, cis-straight men

Who talked over others because it is their

God-given right to do whatever they wanted.

Obedient, white, cis-straight girls

Who were never allowed to grow old enough to

Have agency over their own bodies or

Become less attractive to older men.

All it took was a step back to see clearly

The disgusting teachings leeching the

Humanity and love out of the followers.

Now that I’m allowed think for myself

I think, just maybe, that we shouldn’t

Be killing, shaming, and converting people

We don’t agree with. This shouldn’t be a

Novel concept, but my mom and I have

Gotten into screaming matches about

Weather or not gay people should be allowed

To get married. It’s been a law for a while.

She wants me spend my life miserable,

Alone, constantly asking god for

Forgiveness for something I can’t control

Just in care there’s a heaven after all this

Rather than just let me be happy.

She says I’ll be happy in heaven, but if

God hates me just for being here,

Why even try? I know where I would go.

Now that I’m allowed think for myself

And I am alone with my own thoughts

For most of the day, I disagree with so

Much that was just the standard growing up.

I am finally free to choose what I watch,

Who I listen to, what I read. I’m expanding

My horizons, just like my mom always feared.

It’s almost as if she knows the answers are

Out there. As if she knows she’s being a

Hypocrite by claiming to love every human

While encouraging my brothers to avoid

Being friends with anyone who knows

Another language besides English.

I remember when I was in their place.

I tried to reject the idea and ask questions

Which got me punished for talking back.

Now that I’m allowed to think for myself

I can sit with the thoughts and feelings

That have been festering since I was in middle

School. Even forcing me to spend day in and

Day out in a private school meant to further

The brainwashing couldn’t keep me from noticing

How wrong everything sounded. I couldn’t do

The work then, but I can now. I can unlearn

All the things that were seared into my brian.

All the bigotry, all the hatred, all the superiority

That was thrown at me over and over in an

Attempt to force out any original thought.

They didn’t want me to know the truth.

I escaped because it never quite made sense.

All the terrible things that I was taught by

Catholicism. The Universal Religion.

#writing #my writing #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #word vomit #poetry #religious trauma #possibly triggering

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feeprincessexo · 1 year

Text

20230119

I’ve moved to a new city. I’m trying to make more friends and i’ve just felt more lonely.

I don’t really feel like I fit in. I think this is the first time I’ve been fully surrounded by suburban white people. They have in no way made me feel left out. But I just don’t feel comfortable being the only black person. Yes we relate on being apart of lgbtq+ and similar trauma. But I still don’t feel the connection. I think that’s where I feel most of my loneliness. Every time we go out there is such a lack of diversity with it as well. So I’m going out with white people to these white bars around nothing but white people. No matter how “open-minded” white people say they are. They will never understand. I know to them they think I’m being dramatic. But I just and sick ob being surrounded by white people too.

I’ve been going out trying to actively find black people or just any person of color. I think another part of my loneliness is not finding balance between my social life and self care for myself. I think I’m investing more in friendships that I can’t really relate to. Maybe the universe needs me to clear up some space to allow new people that I have a connection with. I want to meet people where we can help each other spiritually grow. I want to do like meditation circles and tarot readings and other things with bipoc.

I think I also need to completely invest in myself. and really figure myself out. Before I use to think this meant isolating myself from everyone. Instead I think I really need to love myself and put myself first. Investing in friends that help me grow. Also not judging people and being ungrateful when just because we grew apart. Also appreciating every friend I’ve made along the way. I feel like I’m so quick to push people away when I feel like its time for me to divest. But I do it in such a way that makes it seem like the friendship was horrible the whole time which isn’t the case.

Also I should look at patterns I create. If all I’m doing is going out, I’m only going to meet people that only like going out. I think I need to change a lot of my behaviors, spending habits etc. I feel like I can’t fully meet friends that I want, Until I start doing the things that I want. Again Investing In myself

In the end I’m grateful for the friends I’ve made moving here. I am grateful for everything I’ve learned. I am grateful to have met people that has allowed fully accept myself as a queer woman.

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wisdomseeker02 · 1 year

Note

Feedback: Hi, I’m so sorry. For some reason I didn’t get a notification that you responded back to me. I don’t want you to think that I’m ungrateful. I really appreciate you for letting me play your 🎁 game. I’m such a big fan of your readings and your blog.

Reading: not to be dramatic, but I really needed to hear this reading. For so long I’ve been lost and feeling like my life is a dead end. So to hear you say that a new opportunity is coming really gives me hope. I’m happy that something will come that I’ll be passionate about. But I can see myself being unhappy when I do take the action towards it, as you said. I don’t know why, but for some reason anytime something good happens to/for me I feel like I don’t deserve it or I’m unworthy of it. Which sometimes leads to self sabotage, even if it’s something that I’ve always wanted.

As for seeing someone’s else’s pov of me, I hope it’s not bad. I try to be a good person to the people around, and be helpful and kind. I would be sad to learn that they see me differently/negatively. But if that’s their perspective then I can only accept that and become better and make sure I’m never that person again.

As for learning about their personal problems. I hope that I can help them through that after I find out about them. I want everyone around me happy so I hope I can help them.

At this moment I know of two people around me that’s unhappy. They both want certain careers and lifestyles that’s been giving them a hard time to achieve. They both are so talented and passionate, and I know that they’ll be great I’m those fields. I just wish I could make their dreams come faster. They deserve success, they deserve happiness, and the world deserves to experience their talent. I’m proud of the people I know they’ll be and all that they’ll achieve and the impact that they’ll make.

If I learn more about either of them being unhappy with something else that I’m not aware of them I’ll help them through that as well. Every step of the way♥️

Thank you again so much for your time , and inspiring words/wisdom. It’s always a pleasure getting a reading from you. I truly appreciate it and all that you do. Thank you for sharing your gift with this tumblr community💛.

Heyyy, I don't think you're ungrateful, don't worry. I am flagged or something of the sorts, that must be why you don't receive notifications. I also can't reply to, or message anybody. Thank you so much again for the lenghty feedback, I appreciate it! Love & light 💖💖💖

#asks #wisdomseeker02 #feedback #tarot game

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ketiasdiary · 2 years

Text

Home <3

I’m being called home. And I don’t want anyone to blame themselves. I never wanted to be back on earth in the first place. Thankfully this is my last solar return. Some people find solace in having a family, having friends, obtaining successful careers, or other material things but none of those things actually mattered to me. And I don’t mean that in a ungrateful way, I just always understood that there is life beyond us. Humans are selfish in nature so they will sacrifice any material thing or person to obtain what I’ve listed above. But when you are of spirit you realize none of these things last forever, they are moments in time and what we are meant to do in life is learn, grow, be the best human that we can be to ascend into our spiritual form. There’s a line in Yoruba song that says “Heaven is home. Earth is the marketplace” and I truly resonate with that.

Truth is I’ve always obsessed over dying. The only two things I’ve truly wanted in life was to show love always, all ways and to be dead. Two of the most powerful acts of life. To die living in your purpose means you are now an ancestor, a deity to be called on when a humans want to manifest a certain skill set or power in their life. It’s even more powerful if that person is in your family’s lineage. To be love and show love no matter how you are treated may feel like a burden at times but it’s means you are of divine light. You are meant to heal and accept all. You teach with love rather than discipline and mostly people who are ready to ascend into their spiritual form act in this way.

I’ve been through a lot as a person. And I often found myself supporting people around me who did not always treat me with love. I would hate myself for it until I fully understood that acting with love was my purpose. It wasn’t a sign of weakness but rather a strength. I was protected and people would only see what I was allowed to show them. Some would think I was oblivious when I always saw beyond human form. I understood motives, I saw through actions and had very psychic tendencies. I would dream answers to the questions I would ask the universe. I would know before I actually knew. It just depended on if I was clear enough to receive.

Everyone has their traumas. For some it’s being rich or poor, growing up in a single parent home, being cheated on by a significant other, the list can literally go on. For me, it was being raped at six years old and honestly molested would be a better term since it happened until I was about nine years old. I still cannot wrap my head around how no one ever noticed. I still don’t understand how this person was able to isolate me and penetrate my body at such a young age. I am sure I bled, I am sure I screamed, I was so small and still am till this day. He was so big and I just don’t understand. I spent the last 26 years of my life trying to forget/ put the pieces together. I remember the last time but I can’t remember the first. He threatened my parents, he told me hiding in the closet was a game, he rated my six year old kissing skills and would tell me how to get better. He knew where I was in the house because he gave us walkie talkies. He knew I could dance and would play the “peanut butter jelly song” so I can dance for him in his room. He literally preyed on two innocent girls. He also sexually assaulted his half sister who was a year older than me. He did it to both of us. It’s funny because the last time for me was at my mother’s house during my grandmother’s birthday. No one noticed. They say a picture is worth a thousand words and it’s crazy that this picture even exists.

His sister is in the back corner. In a hoodie and has completely isolated herself. Everyone in this picture is smiling except for me and her. I look like I’m in shock. I’m looking away from the camera, I’m posing but it’s as if I’m not really there. I’m completely dissociated. Sad. But, it was the son of a family friend so he was allowed in my home and ultimately lured me in the bathroom the whole night. I was nine years old here. I still cannot wrap my head around how no one noticed.

My mother worked two jobs growing up and just never had the time to cultivate a relationship with me. Yet, I have nothing but love and respect for her. She is my role model. The reason why I worked and loved so hard. My father left my house six months after I was born after getting in a altercation with my uncles where he ended up piercing my uncle’s neck with a machete. My father went to jail that night and my uncle told me the only reason he didn’t press charges was because he wanted me to know who my father was. Each side of my family always repeated their side of the story. It was exhausting. I was so young and had to carry everyone’s baggage including my own.

My grandmother raised me. She spent a lot of time traveling back in forth to Haiti but I believed she decided to stay with us in Miami right when I turned 8. I watched her plant plantains, coconut, avocado trees in my mother’s backyard. I watched her collect leaves on our walks around the neighborhood because she knew the healing properties in all of them. She would make natural teas and take spiritual cold naked baths in our backyard with herbs. She taught me how to braid, how to sew, how to pray, how to cook. I believe she braided spells of wisdom into my hair. She was a strong woman with a sharp tongue. She was very disciplined and everyone respected her. Madame Rejeanne Marcelus also known as Madame Cirus was our family’s monarch.

She died October 6, 2006 right before my 11th birthday. I wrote this poem for her:

Grann (means grandmother in creole)

the lines on the leaf I saw today

are similar to the inside of our palms

the hands we place together

when we kneel in the catholic church

to sing psalms

your wooden rosary beads hanging

over us like tree branches

hugging your chest as you whisper

our daily bread

praying to god

as our ancestor’s spirits

rise like the tongues in our mouths

spitting out the holy ghost instead

the colors on the leaves I saw today

fell from your branches

your long brown arms that hold me

dangling in the air like fruits you bear

I follow your trail which leads me to you

as you lay on your deathbed

I ask if you are okay and you whisper

wi pitit mwen (yes my child)

I wake up every morning

with my back against yours

but on this day I'm wondering

why you didn't wake to pray at dawn

why the breeze didn't fill your belly

as it enters your wide nostrils

why didn't you cough all night long

the truth is even at 11 years old

I knew something was wrong

I spent the night sweeping your leaves

as they fell on the ground

trying to conserve our family tree

forcing you to breathe while

you were blowing your life into mine

and like the wind I always feel you

even though you are gone

When my grandmother died. My father moved in and it was like everything I’ve ever prayed for. So you see, my dad was actually a great dad to me when he didn’t live with me. He taught me how to ride a bike, would buy me leggos, candy (because I was obsessed with sweets), took me to all my magnet school auditions, came to my performances whether it was dance, music, or anything. He had time for me that my mother never did. Their priorities were completely different. But then my dad moved in and I watched my parents destroy each other. My dad became very abusive to both me and my mom. I would wake up to sounds of my mother chocking because my dad had his hands wrapped around her neck. One time he threw me against a table (knowing I just had scoliosis spinal surgery) because I refused to speak to him. I was living in hell all throughout high school. I felt completely betrayed to have him act one way and then move in to become a monster. He was my first heart break. He was escorted by the cops out of my house by my senior year of high school. Later in my adult life I realized, my dad was bipolar. I saw him a month ago and healed that relationship before departing.

As you could imagine, my experiences made it very hard for me to have friendships and romantic relationships with people. I could never fully trust. I had a horrible case of detached anxious anxiety in all my relationships. I had a hard time being intimate with people I wasn’t sexually involved with but would get attached to those I did share my story with. I was popular for my work but rarely was close to anyone unless I worked with them. My secrets weren’t dinner table conversation. It was hard to connect without speaking my truth. And as a kid, how could I explain that I was kissing a grown man on the playground. No one really knew about me. My life was so dark and living in a superficial world where all we only seemed to care about who someone worked for or what material things they had did not leave room for real conversations. I didn’t know how to bond without being honest about my background. So I got drunk. I experimented with drugs. I did everything I could to forget. I drowned myself in work and validated myself through “success”.

I worked with amazing people and I am so grateful for the opportunity. I love each and every person and gave everything my all. Every task was done to show and to act in love. For the people who are my friends, I love you all dearly with every ounce of love I have. I want nothing but the best for you all. Please continue to give this world your all.

I needed to have peace. I needed to rest. I needed to finally be happy.

Please throw my ashes in the ocean. Play Jazz music. Read new books. Wear all white and eat sweets on my behalf. I love you all. Always, all ways.

Ketia Miriam Jeune (thepinkpublicist) 💗

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