#I hard disconnected from the community like a year ago now

[luxceon]

well. how are we feeling past/current AH fans?

#Achievement Hunter #AH #I feel. neutral?? idk #I hard disconnected from the community like a year ago now #good luck to dogbark though #hopefully RT doesn't screw them over #rest in peace the past decade of my life though

[forestgreenlesbian]

youre not allowed to b a freak loser loner anymore or at least youre not allowed to mention it lol. even like five years ago you could talk about being awkward and socially weird around meeting new people but now if you do that eveeryones like "ok edgelord you are deliberately cutting yourself off from community why are you so obsessed with being alone. you all need to go outside and make real friends you are too online." which like yes obviously but why is eveyrone acting like the only two options are you either a) have a load of friends or b) you don't want them??? it is so weird. to be seen trying & failing has become so taboo that people assume if you're alone it's because you want to be and youre trying to be cool & aloof or else you see things like small talk or reaching out to people as "emotional labour" and choose not to do them. like i am not fucking choosing not to do them i literally try to do them every day and find it very hard and then you tell me i can't even joke about that struggle or being a lonely friendless loser to maybe for one second make light of the bottomless pit of disconnect + loneliness i experience every day without someone blaming me for not putting myself out there. idk

#as i'm typing this i'mrealising maybe this is an autism problem. like to feel completely separated from the social world by this pane of #thick glass your whole life and then to hear people say it's a you problem that you need to fix if you don't want to be alone forever #idk just that post going around about small talk 'i have social anxiety' 'then suck it up and learn how to interact with people!' like?? #arent we trying to do that already??? i'm sorry that being percieved as a social reject freak my whole life might have negatively affected #my ability to reach out to people? it just feels mean spirited lol. idk. anyway

[grison-in-space]

I'm increasingly unconcerned about linking up my professional and personal names lately. Like... fuuuuuck it. I've already had my grad supervisor freak out and try to murder my fledgling career once. I don't ever say shit I don't reasonably think I can justify, and I'm willing to say I'm wrong when I am. Who cares if those things blur together? The autism is the biggest, deepest, darkest secret I have. Whoopee, I'm working on autism now and there's a little knot of us to make friends with.

It's not hard to figure out who I am, but it's also not like I'm hot shit. I'm recovering from a really, really shitty PhD over eight years culminating into the worst of COVID, and I move a lot slower than I used to. I have like four published papers, of which I am the first author of three, and they span a bewilderingly disconnected range of fields. (Evolutionary biology, neuroendocrinology, acoustic communication, same-sex reproductive behavior as a concept, and an unpublished paper about eavesdropping and audience selection.) There are throughlines but I can't emphasize enough how weirdly field spanning my background is. And I'm doing neurodivergence across axes of motivation and how that impacts movement thresholds right now, geometric measures of animal motor behavior, and machine learning.

What the fuck is my life, and also, it's not like I'm the kind of person who fits a normal academic tenure track and like. Gets a job specializing in that thing. Fuck knows if I'm going to get to stay in the field, but I can't move again so if my postdoc runs out and I can't get a tenure track job at my current institution, I'm going to get out of the traditional academia game and do something mindless like going to be a data scientist somewhere. Ideally somewhere remote where I can be a pretty severely disabled scholar who is now riddled with PTSD on top of AuDHD and, like, have that matter to literally anyone.

Also, I played a foundational role in community building in the asexual community about ten years ago, although I'm a big old burnout on that front [see here "riddled with PTSD"]. So I know I have more than a few pseudonymous literary citations in that vein, too.

Fuck it. What have I got to lose?

[genderqueerdykes]

Being Plural IRL: Telling People, Living Your Lives, & Other Tips.

View On WordPress.

We have been living as a system for 10 years now, and it's one of the first things new people notice about us when meeting us. We've had people tell us they could 'just tell' we were plural before we had ever brought it up. For years we kept it a secret, acting as though other people wouldn't notice, or would always have a bad reaction, but sometime ago, sometimes all it takes is providing that person with exposure to plurality that helps them understand that it is a real phenomenon.

There will always be people who don't believe in plurality, and people who believe only those with disordered plurality can be plural. This is a constant, but there's also a wide variety of people in between with a mixture of reactions, most of which involve acceptance. Even if someone doesn't understand the concept, I've found it's more common that someone will play along and try to grasp on to it as you give them more information.

If someone doesn't have an IRL reference, it can be hard for them to digest that something is real. I think people think that even systems on YouTube, TikTok, twitter, and so on are faking because there's a level of disconnect, not because they 100% genuinely believe that plurality is false. I really think it is the disconnect from the experience that causes most people to have such repulsion and negative opinions.

Stay casual, avoid using medical terms & overly clinical definitions and terms your first few conversations when bringing up plurality to someone who doesn't know anything about it. The best way I've found to bring it up to people in a way that helps them believe what you are saying, is to be casual, but informative, and say something to the effect of "Oh, I look and sound different today because you are talking to a different person who lives in this body. There are others in here and this will happen sometimes, nice to meet you," or "You met [headmate] last time, I'm [name], several people live in this body." Something like that. Confidence is key, the more assertive you are with your language, the more it becomes apparent you are serious.

Avoid dumping on people with very specific and in depth system terms (protector, host, little, switching, co-fronting, etc.) right away, and it's especially best if you don't go into origin labels or "types" of systems unless that person specifically asks what you think caused your system, or what causes some people to be plural. Unless someone asks, the origin story really isn't worth it and I've found that adds a layer of confusion for some singlets, because they weren't thinking super hard about it to begin with, but now the concept has become way more complicated and confusing.

Honestly the best way to approach it naturally is to just mention the names, pronouns, identities, accents, voices, and styles of dress of any headmates they may commonly see. Give them indicators as to who they can potentially look out for. It's alright if you are plural and don't know your system very well, you can tell people you're still getting to know them, or that you personally struggle with communicating with the others, but they will get to meet them. You don't have to make it super complicated and you don't have to come up with information if you don't have any. If people ask how many of you there are and you don't know, it's okay to say you don't know. We personally don't find that question helpful and try to avoid answering it because we literally just don't know.

Be patient with people who are just finding out about plurality, they are not going to know how to keep up with switches right away, especially if your system is quite large. They will get confused, not notice switches, not be able to identify folks at first and that's okay. Especially if you are a covert system it can be hard at times, be patient and willing to work with people, especially if you are literally the first plural person they have ever met.

Living your own lives can be tricky- it can require a little extra income at times to do certain things, such as expanding your wardrobe to include outfits and accessories for others, but it doesn't have to get outlandish. Many headmates in a system find they have different styles of dress and fashion. That is a perfect way to get people to be able to recognize who is out is to allow that system member to dress in a way that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and like themselves. You don' thave to buy entire new outfits if you are very poor, you can often times make accessories or have small indicators like pins or bracelets that help show who is out.

Having different places that you frequent for different headmates helps a lot. Introducing yourself as different people in different places can often times be a good way to test how you feel about your own plurality, as well as a really cool way to feel more accepted and like yourselves. These two places can be completely unrelated, so these people who know you by another name may never know your host's or body's name, and may never know otherwise. It's a very cool way to get yourself used to introducing yourselves as different people.

Having different social groups, groups of friends, social media pages, chat groups/servers, etc. who know you by your different headmates' names can also help a lot as well. Sometimes, system members want their own friends independent of the rest of the system. Sometimes, a headmate needs to be themselves and feel like they are a person in control of a body for some time. It's okay to foster an environment where everyone can feel like an individual. You can use apps like Simply Plural to help organize your system, and you can create different pages on social media sites, different tumblr blogs, pinterest pages, join different Discord servers, Facebook groups, and so on.

Allowing different headmates to engage in different hobbies, if they have differing hobbies, is also very crucial. Even one small activity like allowing one system member to journal for a bit a day, or letting someone work out at the gym, or watch movies, or whatever it may be can help someone feel a lot more like themselves. Even if the rest of your system doesn't care for it, if you can allow that one person to do it for a bit, it can help tremendously.

Doing activities with each other when possible is also very crucial. Watching shows, playing games, eating, going on walks, and even dates together can be very healthy activities that can help your system grow, flourish, and understand who they are. You are absolutely allowed to socialize with your other selves and use that as an opportunity to find out what makes each of you yourselves, if that is something you are capable of doing, or, would like to work toward. Acknowledgement from another system member goes a long way, and socializing with one another helps strengthen your internal views of one another.

Learning your different system members' favorite foods, perfumes, scents, toys, games, etc. and surprising them with little gifts, and letting others know that they enjoy being surprised with small things (like sweets for example) can also help. Positive triggers are a big part of the experience- triggers do not have to be negative all the time, they can be positive and even neutral. Discovering what things trigger you to front can be beneficial, as you can learn how to pull people out when needed or just wanted, especially if that person has expressed desire about fronting for long periods of time, but struggles to do so.

Not every single person in your system has to have a different voice, style of dress or presentation, or "feel" completely different. It's okay if you all have to introduce yourselves. It's okay if you have to remind people who's fronting. Many systems have members that look and sound very similar, and may even be very similar if not versions of the same person. That's alright, too. You still deserve to be acknowledged for being separate people.

I hope this helps some folks approach the concept of telling IRL strangers and friends that you are plural. It's frightening at first but I've found that if you keep it simple and express it in a way that's natural for you, instead of trying to adhere to a dictionary definition, you will find some more success. Of course, if someone reacts negatively, there's a chance you may not be able to get them to see your way, but it's better to figure that out for sure. That doesn't mean you have to stop living as a plural.

Johnny

#our writing #wordpress #plurality #plural #pluralgang #plural gang #plural system #system stuff #long post

[lost-spoons]

I'm honestly not sure if I've mentioned this on here before, but here we go.

I've been looking into getting a service dog for a few years. What breed would be best for the tasks I need, if I should get a program trained dog or if I should owner train, what it costs to get said service dog and anything they need or would like, how to take care of a dog, what are the laws around service dog prospects and housing, what are the laws for service dogs, etc. etc.

Up until now, it's all been more of a thought experiment than anything else because my father established a "No Dogs Under My Roof" policy a long time ago, and despite a service dog being medical equipment, the answer to if I could get one is a hard "Not Under My Roof"

But! We're finally down to the last year or two of community college before I transfer to a 4 year where I'll be living on my own and can thus get a dog. So I'll be looking into breeders to see what their wait lists are like and check to make sure the breeder I decide to go with is actually an ethical breeder.

I've debated on breeds for a while. Poodles are hypoallergenic but require a lot of hair maintenance and will matte up fairly quickly if I forget to brush them due to a flare-up, so they're a no. Doberman seemed like a good fit as they met most of my requirements. However, I was informed that they're a velcro breed that are very protective, which makes sense since they are breed to be guard dogs, but that doesn't work if i need a strangers help. Goldens and labs are quite similar in most things regarding my list of requirements but didn't end up being my final choice.

I've decided to go with German Shepherds for the breed, as I need mobility, medical alert, and psychiatric tasks. That's quite a bit for one dog, but German Shepherds are breed specifically to be working dogs with varying jobs, so while I'll need to be careful with training to keep them from burning out as a puppy, they're my best bet.

I've decided on owner training supplemented with a professional trainer's support/assistance.

The mobility tasks in question aren't weight bareing, and even if they were, I'm aware that type of training doesn't start before the vet okays it around 2 or so years old. Sometimes, my vision stops working, or I'll get horribe brain fog making me very confused, and I can't bend down to pick things up off the floor unless I'm sitting, so think along those lines for mobility tasks.

The medical alert is for POTS and maybe migraines. I'm not sure how migraine alerts work yet, i still need to look into that one, but I know how to do the POTS ones.

The psychiatric tasks are to tell me if I'm displaying anxious habits cause I don't notice them and can't feel when I am due to a disconnect in my brain from physical reaction and emotional reaction. I react physically but can't emotionally, which means i can have the bodily reaction of a panic attack and all the issues that creates but I think im perfectly fine. Which is oh so fun to deal with (can you hear the sarcasm?) Plus a few other things I don't feel like sharing that I need help with.

If anyone has anything helpful to add, please do. I've looked into things, but research can only get you so far

#chronic illness #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #disabled #ehlers danlos syndrome #chronic pain #hypermobile ehlers danlos #pots syndrome #chronically ill #disability #spoonie #service dog #medical alert dog #psychiatric service dog #mobility service dog

[loveistrueblue]

hi guys, this is a post seeking advice from anyone who has experience with going nonverbal. my experience in particular is due to PTSD/trauma (possibly undiagnosed autism, i truthfully am not sure, i do not have the resources nor money at this moment in time to be able to get a diagnosis, but it’s something i have hoped to look into when i am able), but advice about going nonverbal in general, regardless of reason, still would be appreciated. i just genuinely don’t know where else to seek advice at the moment.

as i’ve mentioned in passing a couple of times here, i experienced a sexual assault a little over a year ago. it has been really difficult adjusting after that kind of an experience and it’s been a very slow process of trying to get my life back.

one of the things i have been struggling with has been this: my fight or flight feels, constantly, like it is activated. i truly feel like i’ve been stuck in fight or flight since the night it happened. i often feel extremely disregulated emotionally and like i’m living in extreme fear a good 80% of the time. this causes me to become easily overwhelmed. now, when i become overwhelmed, i have started shutting down and dissociating and i have started going nonverbal. i am unable to speak, even though it’s like i’m internally screaming and trying to. if i’m able to talk, it’s very few words, barely a sentence or two i’m able to get out. i’ll usually stutter or fumble or trip over my words in trying to get them out, if i’m even able to do that. it truly feels like a disconnect between the words in my brain and being able to articulate them out loud.

it’s been happening a lot in group settings, with my friends who i spend most of my free time with. they’re safe people to be around and i trust they want to help me how they can. the issue is, we are having a hard time navigating what to do/how to approach me going nonverbal. it often happens randomly, just when everything in my head starts becoming overwhelming and i start shutting down. it can be mid conversation and i just start going quiet and i don’t mean to, it’s like something out of my control, making it even scarier. i would sometimes experience this as a teenager/kid, but the difference then was i was a quiet child where it was less noticeable. now i am an adult who communicates verbally way more than i did when i was a kid. i guess i am in part struggling with the embarrassment of feeling a bit childish for being unable to communicate out loud too.

for further context, at this point, my friends know it is me going nonverbal and that it is an involuntary response. we are all collectively pretty much at a point we are trying to figure out how to navigate it happening though because we’re all a little new to it.

my questions/advice i am seeking is this:

what are ways you can communicate with the people you love when nonverbal and you’re all occupying the same physical space? is there resources/maybe any apps to help navigate a situation like that?

how do you talk to your friends about going nonverbal/is there anything you find helpful when you are nonverbal, especially if it’s from a flashback/disassociating due to trauma?

how do you handle/cope with feeling embarrassment and shame around going nonverbal?

any advice would be so so appreciated. thank you. 💙

(if the tone of my post is really formal, i apologize, i feel like i get more formal and serious when i’m nervous lol)

#nonverbal #advice seeking #trauma survivor #sa survivor #ptsd recovery #genuinely any advice is appreciated #marin speaks #january 2024

[elytrafemme]

i think i'm going to take a break from tumblr. (that's the TLDR, the rest of the post is long ramblings) i know that's shitty, because God knows I never check discord (not nearly as much as i should, but there's just so much) and barely reply to ao3 comments and so the least i could do is just exist here. but being on here makes the anger and grief i've been feeling for the last few weeks amplify. i can't exactly place it (well, i can place some of it, but that's neither here nor there), but i think while online activism in a place truly as online and disconnected as tumblr can be meaningful, it's so much more important to me right now to be fighting the battle in the world around me. and to find that community. because obviously i love you guys but when i feel like i'm about to spiral into a horrible place, i have to find company in the form of someone physically with me (maybe my therapist was right about me having someone on standby in this city huh). and when i see people with the most horrific understandings of what is happening in the world, to my siblings across the water, it's easier to contest that and stomach it when it's around me here than online. because at least i can do something about one of those things. what's happening in Gaza (and i admit I need to educate myself more about what's occurring in Armenia & Sudan) contains a pain that i only know a sliver of, being a second generation Iraqi Muslim across the Atlantic. but the pain is still visceral, and i've never felt this disappointed in myself in my entire life every fucking second. i'm on the edge of a relapse into something i thought i got over two years ago, and i can barely exist with myself when i'm alone but can't bring myself to ask for help. i just want to lay on my friends' air mattress in the floor above mine and never see my old friends or family again. october was the best month of my life, but simultaneously the worst, because every time there wasn't a movie night or a hangout i was cracking into pieces. for the first time in five years i need to make a safety plan, not for my life but for what i do within it. because i have no idea what tomorrow is going to look like for me but i know it's not going to be good. i'm convinced people are watching me and that if i make just one post here i'm going to hear someone banging on my door and i am so fucking scared. i usually repress these things but yesterday's realization that i'm more alone than i've ever been, and that i've been alone for so much longer than i thought, is making it hard to breathe. i don't know how to be a good person. i don't know how to live with myself anymore.

so i'm taking a break from tumblr. i might still be liking posts, but i need to force myself to stop using the site. i don't remember my password entirely so i don't want to log out, but i won't be here. it's also safe to say i'll be gone from discord for a while, too. looking at my dms makes me nauseous and i hope at least one person may be able to understand why. i'm sorry to my friends who i've not replied to in a while, i love you and i think of you and there will be a reply. obviously with every "i'm taking a break" post there's the odds i'm back here tomorrow, but i don't think that's the case.

i'll be okay. i love you all. see you.

#nightmare.personal #i have no idea what to do with myself now. #i know these things resolve themselves by the morning but i don't think this is just a mood swing. #i think this is something a lot worse. and it's just the beginning.

[hongism]

update;

tldr: all i’ll be writing on this blog moving forward is mists of celeste. if that’s all you want to know about the status of both me and this blog, then you can stop reading here! i won’t be offended or bothered if that’s all you want to know!

however if you’re interested in a more in-depth explanation as to why i came to this decision then you’re welcome to keep reading to understand where i’m at.

why am i doing this?

there are multiple layers to why i’m taking this step. first off this is not a goodbye, as much as i’m sure many people are expecting that with how often i’ve been absent from this blog this year alone. one, i made a promise to myself when i very first started this blog almost 4 years ago that i would deactivate once i reached a certain milestone. since then, i’ve chosen not to deactivate and i think i will always leave this blog up as an archive even when the day comes where i will not be here or be posting anything here. i also have hopes and goals to finish mists of celeste and i think i will hit that milestone before i finish the story (maybe not anymore but, that’s beside the point). 

two, with being so close to such a significant milestone, i think there are certain expectations i have regarding my fics and the success of those fics. frankly, almost 90% of my following came from when i started writing for a.tz/s.kz, not b.ts. so it isn’t a disconnect in what people followed me for because i haven’t been writing for b.ts for several years by now. but even so, my fics still don’t do well. the reblogs mostly come from me, the feedback mostly comes from people who read from me regularly or mutuals, and the ratio of likes to reblogs is a never-ending issue that is never going to change. i’m grateful for anyone who stops to read and leave feedback on my works, and i am especially grateful to anyone who stops to read and leave feedback on my works that are not mists of celeste. and now with tumblr mucking up the tag system and preventing my works from being shown in the tags even when i do everything recommended, my works are going out to an even smaller audience that is not even 1% of my follower count. even with atinyblr being slow these days, i see other writers doing well and getting 500-1000+ notes with apparent ease compared to what i see on my own works. 

the shift in interest in the community has also affected me a lot. people are less likely to read a 10k+ fic that has plot mixed in with smut compared to a 1-2k pwp smut fic, which is fine. but that isn’t what i enjoy writing. and i understand that over time, i have lost the audience i used to have when it comes to writing that stuff. even for moc, barely anyone on the taglist i run with every update reads the updates. it’s an upsetting reality for me as the writer because i see my follower count go up and up yet my interaction and notes go down and down. which is primarily why i don’t like being here anymore to be frank. i have my friends from here but i talk to them off tumblr so i don’t feel a need or a compulsion to be here to talk to friends. i know that whatever i post won’t be received the way i wish for it to be received. and i now have this lingering fear that anytime i post anything at all tumblr will decide it shouldn’t show in tags at all.

and three, people are still dragging up things that happened in the past that i have tried so hard to move away from and want nothing to do with anymore. and belatedly, as much as i changed my url at the time, i realize that i won’t ever be able to fully distance myself from being involved in that in the past as long as i am calypso, hongism. i really hate that because i’ve had to come to terms with a lot of the bad things i suffered here on this website and in my real life relationships that were public here on tumblr, but i will always be known for my association with those things in a negative light.

what about your other series?

i won’t be writing them anymore! i appreciate all the love and affection given to them but frankly after blood masquerade i came to the realization that even if there are a lot of people interested in an idea, they aren’t all going to be interested in the final product. the ratio of votes to even likes on the fic itself was so grossly skewed that i found myself both baffled and discouraged to even continue writing it. aka; why am i putting so much heart and soul into something and not seeing an outcome that is balanced or fair? it wasn’t even an insignificant difference but rather something close to a 50+ difference in notes and votes.

will you ever change your mind?

maybe? maybe not? probably not. at some point in the distant future i might find myself wanting to go back to ideas that i had, like the wooyoung and san series i had planned for october this year but right now i have such a dismal and bad relationship with this blog in general that i don’t even want to think about posting anything here.

and one more note regarding moc:

i think i’m done writing interims. there has always been a disconnect in the readers of the main chapters versus readers of the interims, and i’ve always known that would be the case, but it is greatly disheartening as the writer to see such a divide on the work that i put my heart and soul into. so for now moving forward i just want to do main chapters and nothing else unless i feel so in love with an idea that i just have to put it out there.

overall i understand that this post as a whole is very moody and emotional and negative but i hope you all understand that this has been something i’ve been struggling with for the better part of a year here on this blog. i feel a disconnect and i feel no way to grab the ropes and tie myself back here the way i used to be here. even looking at other writers who have come up into the scene on atinyblr, i feel very lacking as a writer and i also feel a disconnect from them because i’m a writer who has been around here since 2020. it’s dumb to say that i feel ostracized in any sort of way but i do feel a bit distant, and i understand that in my attempts to curate a corner for myself on the internet, i created a very specific niche for myself in mists of celeste. i have always said that that is my magnum opus, and i still believe that to be the case. and at risk of sounding horribly arrogant, i feel i’ve isolated myself on an island that is mists of celeste and any time i try to broaden my horizons to do something outside of moc, it’s destined to fail. so for the sake of my mental well-being i need to step back and dedicate hongism to mists of celeste so that i can curb any expectations i might have had about other projects i wanted to do. 

so no, it’s not a goodbye, just a note that i’m slowing down and that the only thing i’ll be presenting to you all here on hongism moving forward is mists of celeste. it’s something that’s said a lot but it’s not something that i admitted myself until recently, but having come back multiple times this year with this mentality of ‘if i just push myself through this then it’ll be fine’, i now realize that if i don’t care for myself then how can i expect anyone else to care about me either? and i think i need to do this to care for myself and have a better mentality about my presence here.

#caly chats #as far as asks go #im trying my best to reach a mental space where i feel okay enough to #be calypso here

[thesofthuman]

I am having an impossible time finding my community online :/ I just want to meet other writers (poets) in our age group. Where is everybody?

I want to be brave and put my work out there, but no luck on here, and IG makes things impossible for new accounts.

I can completely relate. I think social media has really changed the past 5 years and it can be hard to keep up with/find new ways to connect and share. I’m having some luck on Instagram but my name is already out there from years ago so I’m not starting over totally fresh. I think we have to embrace the new ways of sharing whether that’s reels, text over images, tiktok… it’s tricky. And feels a lot just like luck of being seen/shared or not. The poetry world on social media is over saturated now with everyone trying the same way and the old way and it’s hard to stand out, if that makes sense? like I won’t be posting simple images of text on a white page. That gets lost in my opinion. Even if what you have to say is good, it has to now look interesting to really draw people in. Our attention span on social media is getting smaller and smaller. We want instant gratification and we want interesting, and then we want to move on to the next thing that’s interesting. It’s hard to get anything to stick. I think about what it’ll be like to promote my next book when I’m ready for it to come out. It won’t work the way it used to. But when it comes to writing community that’s hard too! I’m lost there for sure. I’m not really finding it here anymore. I’m finding it a little on Instagram. No where else though. I’ve always been solitary with my writing practice but I’m about to start an in person writing group. That’s the best thing I think I can do right now, and I think that’s the community I personally need. Social media is going thru a weird phase of connection but disconnection and moving thru different mediums and formats and it’s tricky. I wish I could offer you more. The most I can suggest is vulnerability on Instagram in your own personal way, following people who inspire you and who you can connect with, and starting a substack for people to connect with you. I’m not super active on substack but I think that’s going to be one of the better ways for writers to get their work out there and to connect with people. I have yet to try threads on Instagram and I’m curious to hear what people think of that, if it’s worth a try as a writer. I hope you’re able to find some connections you need 🤍 embrace vulnerability, embrace your unique qualities and perspectives and ways of being in the world.

[acti-veg]

I've been vegan for 13 years, and my partner for 10. but a few days ago, she told me she wants to go back to being vegetarian because of how she feels disconnected from her cultural upbringing with her family (italian)

im trying to be supportive, but it goes against my own principles and my needs for someone in a relationship, and im just angry and sad about the whole ordeal. i honestly have a hard time seeing how someone could witness what happens in the industry and feel strongly about the near industry, and yet be able to do quickly go back to supporting dairy and eggs.

i want to make this work, but i feel like this drove a nail through our relationship on my side, wilt she melds more liberated in her decision, i feel more hurt and miserable

Ah I’m sorry anon, I can very much understand why this is so difficult for you.

I think that the first thing to grapple with is the fact that you can only control your own behaviour. She has made a choice that you don’t agree with, and while you can’t expect her to make her decisions based on you, you should be voicing how this is making you feel. It’s important that you’re not saying ‘you must alter your behaviour because I feel X’, it’s you just voicing how you’re feeling so that you can come to some solution. You stewing on it will only turn into resentment, and you’ll end it in your head before you give her a chance to work it out with you.

Once you’ve discussed it, if that conversation or any agreed actions doesn’t make you feel any better, and you’ve given it the time it is due to see if things feel better over time, you need to consider your options. It may be that it’s an adaption you can both make in your relationship, or it may be that this is just the biggest symptom of you growing in different directions.

It’s unlikely this has only just been decided for her, I suspect there has probably been a long deliberation process that she hasn’t voiced to you, possibly because she know upset you, which is a separate but no less important issue. This should not have blindsided you, the fact that it did means something is wrong with how you’re communicating.

If you choose to adapt then that’s great, but you must actually choose to adapt, as in accept her as she is now rather than hoping she’ll change back. It’s that or you decide that you’ve grown too different, that there is now an irreconcilable issue and to end it. Either way, you need to talk to her about how you’re feeling and what is going through your mind right now, before it festers into something bitter that will end up spilling out in less healthy ways.

Good luck whatever you decide anon; and feel free to drop me a message if you need to talk to someone about it further down the line.

#ask #advice #relationships #vegan problems

[neodiji]

Wow, life.

Work is a mess, but I still don't see myself doing anything else. There is a teacher shortage FOR A REASON (well, several reasons...) and it is well-documented, yet nobody actually does anything about it. More duties are added to our plates that we need to complete on our own time, and it just isn't manageable. We don't have planning time anymore because we have meetings and other tasks to do. Teaching has always been like this to some extent, but it just keeps getting worse. Additionally, due to aforementioned teacher shortage, class sizes are larger so that makes the workload heavier just by itself (more students to take into account, assess, track data on, communicate with families about, learn their styles, etc.) We're also not really allowed to give consequences for misbehavior anymore, which makes classroom management harder -- but then we're evaluated on keeping the kids "controlled" during our official observations, so there is a huge disconnect there. To be fair, the system itself has been failing for decades. It just. Keeps. Getting. Worse.

Yet...YET...I live for the moments when my kids' eyes light up about reading, or when they master something that was originally difficult for them. I love when they beg to do more math in their "free time" and when they ask me to play learning games at recess. I love teaching them to celebrate themselves and take pride in working hard. I love when my shy students finally find their voices, or when my impulsive kids use their calm-down strategies and words instead of their hands to solve problems. I adore hearing from families, "Wow, you are making such a difference in my child's life. He comes home now and he WANTS to read..." I love that I have four or five of my kids from my class last year who make it a point to come give me a hug every morning before the day starts, even though their new classroom this year is on a different hallway.

Teaching is so hard, but it's worth it to me. I absolutely could not handle this job if I was married with kids though. It's a good thing I'm aroace and have no desire for the "traditional lifestyle."

Personal-life-wise, my parents' health have been declining. They are in hospitals or skilled nursing facilities more than anywhere else. When they are home, they need around-the-clock care. It is so draining to be a caregiver. I feel depleted. My daily schedule for the past 7 months has been "teach all day (which is already a demanding job) and then go to the hospital/SNF/home and see to their extensive needs all evening and night." I taught summer school too, because I am in desperate need of money. I'm so lucky my sister takes over during the day, so I can keep working and I don't lose my job. This lifestyle is B R E A K I N G me though. I am so exhausted. I am not my best teacher self when I'm so tired and emotionally drained. I am not my best self, period, when I'm trying to take care of so many other people that "self-care" is basically nonexistent.

But...BUT...I have been writing more. Writing SuzaLulu is helping me cope, and it's what I'm choosing to do in my moments of Me Time (usually Saturday evenings, when my brother can come over and take over Parent Duty). It's so different from writing Blackmail. I am not planning or agonizing over my writing. I just type what I want, and it's just for fun so there are no expectations. I can't fail. Plot doesn't make sense? Whatever, it's just fanfic. It's amazing. I am enjoying writing these idiots again. I do feel nostalgic for the Code Geass fandom experience from years ago, but I'm also loving starting to make new connections and embracing how things currently are. Fandom is a wonderful escape from the pressures of daily life. So in that respect, I am choosing to write for self-care. So that's what I call personal progress.

Also, as much as I hate this care-giving lifestyle, I am more appreciative than ever for my siblings. I also am proud of myself for rising to the occasion and doing my part. I'm glad I have learned so much about cancer and my parents' other health conditions that I might be able to help someone else in the future going through a similar situation. I am also appreciative of my colleagues, who have been understanding and supportive of what I'm going through at home. Sometimes life is dark, but it helps to actively think about the light shining through. And there are several stars in the night sky.

And, one of my biggest positives is that I'm buying my first home. We're trying to get my parents into assisted living because it's high time, which means I can then focus more on my own life. And when they sell the family home, I'll need somewhere to go. And I'm lucky enough that I've been able to save enough over the years to make this move possible. Even with all the stress, I am very, very, VERY excited about the little townhouse I'm about to own.

Seriously. If someone wants to come squee with me about my new home and help me plan/decorate, I would love it. My siblings are so drained that they're really not up for it, and my parents aren't always in their right minds anyway. My colleagues are happy for me, but they are spending time with their own families over winter break. I would love to talk about color scheme and buying used furniture and possible room arrangement and finally, finally, FINALLY making a safe place of my own.

My absolute biggest positive? With my mom away in the hospital so often, Nimbus has discovered that I exist. Even when my mom is home, Nimbus chooses to follow me, to cuddle me, to purr at me. There were a few years there where even though he was officially my cat, it didn't feel like it because he didn't care about me. Now, he does. It's nice that my cat had a change of heart for the better. It's amazing to be cuddled. I need the love.

#Personal #Life Update

[ainulindaelynn]

@staff

After reading the strategic plan posted today, I want to offer some constructive criticism about retaining users from someone who's relatively new around here.

I joined Tumblr less than a year ago and agree that there’s steeper learning curve than other social media sites... but am a bit baffled by the disconnect. I want to be clear about what made this site hard for me as a new user and propose some easy fixes, because I think it’s pretty straightforward.

Suggestions in blue.

1. Confusion about Reblogging

The etiquette for reblogging was the most anxiety-inducing part of getting started. The language was a bit confusing, coming from non-tumblr blog culture. It also took me a while to understand that there was a difference between reblogging and reposting. There's (rightly) so much animosity for reposting, but to an outside perspective, they seem like the same term, which discourages engagement. Once I realized reblogging is the norm and creators ENJOY reblogs - that it's not theft and their name stays attached, linking directly to them - everything became simpler. There are always three names floating at the top of a post, but who the extra two are is something you pick up along the way without explanation. Understanding earlier would have been a game changer. A few more tutorials at launch would have made a huge difference: This is your blog. You REBLOG things here - that's normal. And here's the basic structure of a post. That would have made the transition a little smoother. Also, if you want to go above and beyond, adding a quick blurb about the difference between reblogging 👍 and reposting 👎 would probably ease tensions on a few fronts.

In short, Tumblr is ahead of most other mainstream SM sites when it comes to prioritizing creators > content and long-term, that's a strategic advantage. Keeping that culture in place requires a little more explanation on the front end though.

2. Confusion about Interacting

Another thing that baffled me in the beginning is that on other sites, hashtags are largely ignored except for organizational purposes, so I didn’t even notice people were leaving their commentary there at first. Now that I know, I actually LOVE that quirk of this site. It’s an introvert’s dream. Every other social media site is pushing other people's opinions in your face all the time. It’s exhausting. Here, I only see people’s comments if I CHOOSE to. If I want, I can interact with the content directly without being distracted by the noise around it. This is a huge draw, not only as a scroller, but also as a poster. I never (NEVER) post on any other site, because I know it’s going to bring it to the top in everyone’s feed and I don’t want to bother with everyone else’s opinions ABOUT my opinions - the endless cycle that inevitably leads to conflict in common spaces like this. Every post will be scrutinized and picked apart on other sites. Here on tumblr, I can put my thoughts on a post and no one sees it except the original poster and people who are *actively* curious about what I think. It’s a system that allows less pressure around posting and fosters more diversity of thought. It creates an environment that makes contributing easy. It’s very, VERY freeing and very, VERY rare in social media.

I wouldn’t mind seeing some rethinking about the way tags are handled if it supports the search engines, but now that I understand the way Tumblr uses them, I actually find this to be one of its greatest strengths and can’t imagine a way to preserve that quality while rearranging the tag system. As is, adding an ‘Anatomy of a Post’ tutorial like I mentioned would clear confusion about this and point new users toward the easiest way to interact with a post.

3. Confusion in Connecting

I did struggle to connect to content and communities at first, but it stemmed from a basic lack of understanding about how the site works. Once I found the pathways, other users pulled me in. Connection actually happens more easily here than on any other site I’ve EVER been on. Tumblr has incredibly useful tools for this; they just aren’t explained to beginners. The tag system is a great entry point. When I realized that I could search a tag and chronologically see EVERY SINGLE POST that had ever existed for it, it was magical. Now that I follow tags (and know the Your Tags tab exists… 🙃), new creators pop up in my feed all the time and get pulled into my communities seamlessly.

A quick tools tour at launch would solve this. And the ‘Anatomy of a Post’ tutorial I mentioned earlier would highlight the spot you can see other people who reblogged the same content. These connection points are easy to use, they just need to be more visible at the start.

That’s all, honestly.

Those are the only barriers that slowed me down in the beginning. They can ALL be solved with a few beginner-friendly tips on launch:

Intro to Dashes (Following, For You, & Your Tags + a brief personalization suggestion)

Intro to Search Features (basics + following tags)

Intro to Your Blog (basics + encouragement to personalize if the bots issue isn’t going to be resolved, because let’s be real… being mistaken for bots is probably why most people quit early these days😉)

Anatomy of a Post (basics + ways to interact)

Restricting the algorithms to the For You tab is really refreshing coming from other sites. It’s there if I want it, but , I can breathe here in a way I can’t on any other site. And honestly, the other reason I’m still around is that people are fucking weird here, which means I have freedom to be too. Any changes that don’t take those two strengths of this site into account risks losing the center and disintegrating the core. Foster a personalized experience. Prioritize avenues that let people interact at whatever level they’re comfortable. Support creator culture. Those are the things that make this better than the competition.

Oh, yeah, and if you're still reading... the organizational tag system needs some upgrades and these pornbots are killing us. Thanks, bye xD

#shouting into the void #using ‘content’ and ‘creators’ solely to avoid excluding anyone #because I know there are so many skills at play here I could never cover them all #(beyond fanworks I mean) #and for the record... I was here BEFORE the twitter collapse #technically it was a re-join (following a 10 year hiatus) #tumblr things

[waheelawhisperer]

So over the last few days I've become aware that a lot of people didn't like the end of Near Light (or the event as a whole, which came as a surprise to me because I thought the reception was pretty positive when it was released, but I digress) and honestly I didn't either, but my reasoning is a little different from the community at large's. Like, yeah, I don't much like the "change the system from within" stuff either, but what has me mad (like... actually, genuinely angry, rather than just disappointed or annoyed) is the decision to have Nearl stay in Kazimierz instead of remaining with Rhodes Island. Yes, this is partly because I have separation anxiety and initiate a full-blown meltdown whenever I'm away from my horsewife for more than an hour, but the main reason it pisses me off is because Margaret has spent a good 5-6 years forcibly separated from her family and now that the obstacles preventing her from seeing them again have been overcome, the members of the Nearl clan just fuck off in three different directions at the end of the event with nary a word to each other. It makes it feel like no one gives a fuck about Margaret and Margaret doesn't give a fuck about them in return, and it contradicts the files for like 4 different operators. It just seems cruel, like whoever writes the Kazimierz stories gets off to fucking over whichever horsegirl is currently the protagonist at the end.

The disjointed timeline and its effect on the narrative is one of the things I do not like about the way Arknights tells its story. It makes it very hard to track what's happening when and where the characters are and what they're doing at any given point. Say what you will about Fate Grand Order (and there is a lot to say about Fate Grand Order, very little of it positive), but at least when you roll a character, you can be reasonably sure that they're available for deployment and interaction in-universe instead of fucking off to the other end of the continent because they aren't actually relevant to to the narrative until 6 months later or were only a part of your team for 2 chapters before going off and doing their own thing for the entire rest of the story.

Arknights does a lot of things well, but my God is it frustrating to be taken out of every map because I have to ask myself "well, shit, is the Operator I just deployed even part of Rhodes Island right now?" With FGO I can attain the required immersion just by picking whatever support Servant the game gives me and then clicking buttons until it becomes time to assblast a boss with Skadi/Merlin/whatever support Caster is currently meta idek anymore I quit this stupid game months ago + DPS, but with Arknights I frequently feel like the story is disconnected from the gameplay because the squad I'm deploying cannot possibly be in this situation.

#arknights #nearl #margaret nearl #blemishine #maria nearl #whislash #zofia whislash #mlynar #mlynar nearl #fate grand order

[songofwizardry]

it’s strike evening! tomorrow teachers in england and wales start on a series of discontinuous strike days, over teacher pay and funding.

i have had this long post of anecodates the state of state education right now sitting in my drafts for months. but i think it’s a good time to share it. there are no graphs or national statistics—you can get those from the neu, and if you’re reading this you probably know them already. but i think it’s worth sharing the personal side of why we’re striking as well. this is very disconnected, and rambly, and frustrated, but here goes:

i’m a physics graduate. i trained to teach at one of the largest ITT providers in the country a few years ago. there were about 25-30 physics trainees in this batch

at least ten have already left the profession, or left the country to teach elsewhere. this is not including people who left state education to teach in independent schools, or people who dropped out during the training year

i trot this statistic out a lot, because it’s shocking—this year, we have recruited one physics teacher for every eight state schools in england. that’s just trainees recruited. several of them will drop out during the training. even more will leave during their induction period (25% of new teachers leave within two years). it gets worse every year

over the last two years, i have watched my school (a comprehensive secondary) try to replace, or find long-term supply, for several staff—maths teachers, science teachers, MFL teachers, technicians, pastoral staff, etc. pretty much every time, it’s taken at least 3 months to find a long-term replacement. the ‘revolving door of supply staff’ is very true, and supply staff are also hard to find

nationally, schools are ridiculously tight on money. this hits the poorest areas and kids worse—we push up every class to 32 students because that means more money for the school, we turn what were previously free trips into paid ones because schools can’t afford to cover the costs, we turn off the heating at 4pm, we cut TAs and extra-curriculars and sports and equipment budgets. this is a funding crisis as well as a staff pay crisis. a non-funded pay rise is useless

these are not hypotheticals btw—they have happened and are happening in my school and in schools near me. we are cutting trips, clubs, TAs, mentoring support, you name it. if it can be cut it will be.

the easiest way to cut costs is by cutting down on staff. so all our timetables are as full as it is legally possible to be. there is no breathing room. one class can be shared by multiple staff to make this timetable mess work. staff are stretched to their limit, and if someone falls sick long term, there’s no staff free to cover and – see above – we cannot recruit! so we return to a revolving door of supply staff (whom we also can’t get)

the cuts to additional support affect kids with SEND needs, emotional needs, kids who are having a hard time, etc the most. i cannot tell you the number of kids i have who need a TA or a mentor and don’t get one, need counselling, need a reader, need a scribe, need 1-to-1 EAL support, etc..... it goes on

and at the same time social services across the board have been slashed after years of tory austerity. camhs is a mess, the nhs has no money, youth services are gone, libraries and community centres are shut—we are trying to fill a gaping hole, with no goddamn money

and on the note of staff pay—support staff especially don’t get paid enough, but across the board, I’m hearing of colleagues using food banks, not being able to afford heating or feeding themselves or children, struggling to make rent, etc. especially for early career teachers, it’s not enough. I know of plenty of colleagues who took on additional responsibility way earlier than they wanted or were ready for, because it means extra pay, and the standard salary isn’t enough to live on.

couple that with the fact that in a subject like maths or science, there are plenty of entry-level jobs that pay much better, and it’s no surprise people aren’t coming into the profession.

i care deeply for my students. i want the best for them. they deserve teachers who are not overworked, exhausted, and bitter. they deserve subject specialists, not four months of rotating supply teaching their GCSE chemistry class. they deserve staff who feel valued, and thus stick around long enough that they can build relationships with them. they deserve enough lab equipment, textbooks, glue sticks. they deserve extra curriculars and trips they don’t have to pay for, that aren’t funded out of whatever I can spare from my own tight budget that month. they deserve dedicated TA support where they need it, again, with TAs who are valued and have time to build connections with them and support them.

and i am also tired, and i care deeply for my colleagues. we all deserve better.

so i am striking tomorrow, for my students, and my colleagues, and myself, because i deeply love this profession and it deserves so much better than a government that clearly doesn’t value educators or education. if you can, join us on the picket line at your local school, or at a march! there’s a strike map in the notes.

#teachers strike 2023 #teachers strike #neu #text post #my post #teaching #i am not very sorry for how long and mostly a ramble this is #and for how much it's just personal anecdotes #bc i think it needs to be said! #anyway we need to strike #so i will see you all out there tomorrow

[dragoneyes618]

Dear Lorne,

A long time ago, you began your career as a television writer for the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, before moving to Los Angeles, and eventually getting a shot at producing Saturday Night Live in 1975. It’s important to remember that the odds of becoming as powerful and rich as you have is a longshot at best. A man who has garnered over 60 Emmys, produces several television shows and films, and has turned names like Sandler, Ferrel, Rock, Belushi, Chase, Radner and Murphy into very rich and famous people says something about your power.

But here’s the thing.

Spider-Man warned us that with great power comes great responsibility.

Now don’t get me wrong. No one loves a hard laugh more than me. In fact, for many years, I was the class clown, making jokes and getting laughs, having spent many hours in the principal’s office or detention. Sometimes, I went a bit far but ultimately, I knew where to draw the line. I’m not so sure that you do.

Last week, former Saturday Night Live star Cecily Strong backed out of playing Representative Elise Stefanik on the show because she was “uncomfortable” with the heavily criticized sketch. You know, the one where you mocked Rep. Elise Stefanik, the one person trying to stop blatant hatred of Jews. You could have mocked and castigated Mrs. “It depends on the context” Magill, the clown who couldn’t say a genocide against Jews constitutes bullying or harassment. Now that, Lorne, would have been funny. But don’t take my word for it. There were many people who were shocked at that decision.

Journalist Jake Wallis Simons asserted, “Can’t believe SNL decided to mock those demanding tougher action on Jew-hatred on campus rather than those making excuses for calls for genocide.”

Meghan McCain mentioned that there is a “400% increase in antisemitic hate crime since October 7th and SNL thinks it’s hilarious…This is vile. Vile.” Dr. Sara Yael Hirschhorn noted, “This is really appalling – [NBC] do you think antisemitism is acceptable as the punchline of a joke about American society? This needs to be investigated by the FCC.” Kevin Haggerty wrote, “The disconnect from humor caused by the ‘woke mind virus’ found Saturday Night Live taking heat for a ‘vile’ skit. This is no longer satire. This is propaganda.” The ADL has tracked multiple ‘Weekend Update’ jokes this season that inappropriately using Jews as the punchline.

In fact, a few years ago during the Corona crisis, host Michael Che “joked” about Israel’s coronavirus vaccine rollout: “Israel is reporting that they’ve vaccinated half of their population. I’m going to guess it’s the Jewish half.” The ADL told Fox News that “basing the premise of the joke on factual inaccuracies and playing into an antisemitic trope inspires the mass murder of countless Jews throughout the centuries.”

Lorne, we all appreciate that ratings are key. But you could have found a dozen things to make fun of, yet instead chose to mock someone who is defending your rights. And Lorne, I think we all know that if the victims of these three morally bankrupt school presidents were not Jewish but black, that skit never would have aired. Even Al Sharpton, hardly a close friend of Jews, agreed and commented that if this vitriol was directed toward the black community, buses and protests would immediately line the streets.

The question that begs to be asked is why? Why do you continually choose to satire and mock Jews when you are one yourself?

The NBC office and the Rockefeller walls are not immune to mobs of terrorists like the ones who ran through colleges chanting “death to Jews.” As history has shown us, Hitler didn’t discriminate between the Jews he gassed.

What’s worse, the humor fell flat and opened the door to more haters of Jews. The only people that should have been mocked were the three antisemites in sheep’s clothing. Instead, your writers castigated the one courageous woman who chose to stick up for Jews when practically everyone else remained silent. And she’s not even Jewish.

Rather than mock her, you should thank her for her courage in fighting injustices.

No one is asking you to give up your $500 million empire. No one is asking you to march in Washington or donate to an Israeli cause. Asking you to stop adding fuel to the fire of antisemitism is not a huge ask.

In many ways, G-d chose to place you in a powerful position to help. To make a difference. But perhaps without intending to do so, you hurt a lot of people who take these threats and attacks very seriously. In fact, we have 6 million reasons to take these actions very seriously. You could follow the lead of other powerful individuals, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, David Schwimmer, Steven Spielberg, Patricia Heaton, Debra Messing, Jamie Lee Curtis, Mayim Bialik, Amy Schumer, Jon Voight, Madonna, Adam Sandler, Michael Rapaport, or the countless others who have chosen to stand up against tyranny and hate. Yet, for some reason, you chose the opposite.

Perhaps the most ironic aspect is that you were born on a kibbutz before your parents emigrated to Toronto.

Imagine if they decided to stay on that kibbutz.

Imagine if your whole family was there on October 7.

Ten to one, I’ll bet it wouldn’t depend on context.

#lorne michaels #antisemitism #israel

[neshatriumphs]

I have found, and it becomes most evident around this time of year, when I am reflecting the most... People do not have the same relationship with trust that I do, and they also are not skilled in assessing other people's trust or lack of it.

There are people who have known me for years who still fail to grasp 1. How difficult it is to gain my trust. 2. How easy it is to lose it. 3. How impossible it is to get it back. 4. How natural it is for me to care less in situations where I do not trust them.

And, I think most people know that I don't rock with my family, aside from my siblings and a few cousins out of the dozens I have. I have two people who I consider my friends in real life and they know me best, but we're also distant. My ex, who we rarely talk, but I do value very much. And, I have a cat. These are basically my family.

My blood family I'm mostly estranged from, including my parents, who I cut off years ago. My ex husband is dead. My soul mate is dead. These are two different people. My mother is dying. I worked for 5 years in the childcare industry with displaced kids.

I don't struggle to disconnect from people. Disconnecting from people is quite easy. The times it's hard is at work when I've bonded with kids and have to part ways, but when that is a natural portion of your everyday life for years, letting go of other people (at least for me) became almost so easy that it is thoughtless. I will sometimes think of someone and at that moment remember - they mattered to me for a period. But, in the moment that they don't, I realize that they don't anymore.

And I typically have no urge or desire to reach out to them or reconnect with them. It was what it was and it is what it is, and some people, if we cross paths again and all is good, then all is good and we move on. Then some people, we had reasons we disconnected. Either naturally, accidentally, unconsciously, etc, but ones with a reason where my trust is gone, or my respect is gone, or I've decided to withdraw my love or support...

Sometimes, people are annoying and spending time with them takes energy I am too selfish to waste on them. Sometimes, we have a disagreement where they didn't exercise the fact that words that come out here to me, I get to now do with those whatever I see fit, and if they wanted them to only be handled in their own way, they should've kept them to their own selves. Sometimes you discover that you don't know each other, but what you've learned you don't intend to push to a deeper situation, or you learn that you should retreat to a more shallow place.

Oftentimes, that is where I communicate with others from. The shallow place. It's the place where I meet everyone, and at times, we get to a deeper place and continue there, and sometimes, we move to a deeper place, then wind up backing up back into the shallow place. I am not likely leaving it again with you. This is where people accidentally be having me fucked up. Because a lot of people will work to get back to the deep place, or still move around like we're in the deep place together, but if I went to the deep place with you and you moved in a way that rubbed me wrong, Idc where you go next, but I'm taking my ass right back to the shallow place.

I'll still speak, and wave, and entertain pleasantries. It ain't like I hate you, because if I did, you died in the deep place before I went back to the shallow place.

I have... a crowded shallow place. And I probably will back up even more, withdraw, isolate. People can't come with me there. I eventually return to the shallow place. Some people are gone. Some are still there. Some are still in the deep place. I didn't expect anybody to still be there, but grateful for when they are because, as we established in the beginning, its hard to get there. I'm not as grateful for the people in the shallow place. I don't expect them to be grateful for my return. It is what it is and it was what it was...

Sometimes, they think that they were waiting for me in the deep place.

Why did they not notice when I withdrew my trust? My respect? My love? What do they think actually occurred between us when I went back to shallow? Maybe I'm the one mistaking things. Maybe nothing happened at all and I imagined everything. But, when it's real in my mind, it's real in my ways. My relationship with trust won't let me work on that. I only do work for deepness. Any other time, I simply will not.

I'm not with my flesh and blood. I'm not with my "we've known each other our whole lives." I'm not with my shallow place. But, I don't hate them. Sometimes I dislike them, but that isn't a crime or a deal breaker. I can still be nice. Until I'm tired. But, it'll be fine. Because even then, we don't fw each other like that. So, everybody will be alright anyways.

I forgot my mother was dying. I don't know how others expect my connections to be presumable.

That's my ramble for today, I suppose.

#Nesha Chats #it's not really a rant because it isn't emotionally driven enough #but a ramble feels accurate. #personal #long post #the shallow place #where i meet everyone and stay with most people #and go back to from some