#I helped with so many things. paying for hospital medication. paying for comfort food. sharing MY edibles from my only source of income

[blindbeta]

Hi! I'm writing a blind character who uses (among other accessibility aids) a seeing-eye animal. This is science fiction, and they're on an alien planet, so I don't want it to be a dog exactly, but I also want to make sure it could conceivably fill the same role. My ideas are ranging from "generic four-legged mammal" to "scampering lizard beast" to "literal alien bird." Is there anything I should avoid? Anything I should be sure to include? Any tips are welcome!

Title: Creating a Guide Animal a.k.a. Way More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Service Animals, Emotional Support Animals, and Guide Dogs and Guide Horses Specifically

Hi! Thanks for the fun question! I wanted to apologize for the length of this answer. Take your time with it. Even if you already know most of the extra information I provided (which you probably do), I hope it can give you some idea of what might need to be emphasized or explained in your story. I wanted to be as thorough as possible for you and anyone else reading. Understanding more about guide animals will help you create one for your story.

Note: I use Service Animal and Guide Animal in this post. All Guide Animals are Service Animals (they are trained to provide a service to disabled people), but not all Service Animals are Guide Animals.

Okay, as always, this is going to be split into parts for easier understanding. Also, note: This is the perspective of someone who does not use a guide animal and is from a Western country. If someone who uses a guide or service animal AND is from a non-Western country with different laws, feel free to share them. Due to the nature of this question, I only want other blind people and/or service animal users to reply with information. I mostly focused on Western links and laws, as I feel these were easier for me to find sources for when I searched.

The Seeing Eye (trademarked) in an Alien World?

Fun fact! Seeing Eye dog is a specific type of dog trained in The Seeing Eye Inc in New Jersey, USA. The generic term is guide dog or service dog or service animal. I would stick with one of the generic terms, as Seeing Eye dog is specific to Earth. Not all guide dogs come from The Seeing Eye Inc. It would be inaccurate, possibly culturally strange, and take viewers out of the story if you use it. Unless you want someone to establish a Seeing Eye Inc on the new planet, although you could call it something else to avoid confusion, or address it in the text. The Seeing Eye is, thankfully, not the only training school for guide dogs. Although Vision Australia does call them “seeing-eye dogs”, I wanted to include this just in case it tripped a reader up. People will recognize the “seeing-eye dog” term if you decide to use it.

Question 12 on the Seeing Eye website says:

Only dogs trained by The Seeing Eye, Inc., of Morristown, N.J., are properly called Seeing Eye® dogs. The Seeing Eye is a registered trademark. The generic term for dogs trained by other schools is "guide dog."

Guide Dogs and Canes

This may not seem as fun to readers, but your character should follow most Earth rules when training. This is to avoid confusion for a public that tends to know little about service animals. You specificied the character would use other aids, which is great, so I’ll assume you already know this. Your character should already know how to use a cane before getting their guide animal. They will need to use these navigation skills because while the animal can help somewhat, they cannot replace the ability to navigate. For example, when crossing the street, the guide dog waits for the owner’s command to cross. In order to do this, the person must have experience with crossing safely.

Guide animals are also more expensive than canes, which can be free and easy to replace. Animals require food, toys, medical bills, and time.

My source on this is also the Seeing Eye website, which you’ll want to peruse because they have helpful information.

Other Helpful Research Tips

I have two links below about choosing to use a cane vs. a guide animal. They will provide you with information about the advantages and disadvantages of a service animal compared to using a cane. As I said before, blind people must know how to use a cane in order to qualify to get a guide dog. Therefore, it would be appropriate and helpful to have your character also know how to use a cane and to keep a cane on them often, such as in a backpack.

Reasons one might want to use a cane while having a guide dog include:

They want to interact with their environment more, particularly if it is less familiar or has changed

They don’t want to use the guide dog that day because it is too hot, the dog is sick, they don’t want to have to clean up after the animal, etc

They are between guide dogs

Those are some of the reasons someone who already owns a guide dog may want to use a cane. Some people even use a guide dog and cane simultaneously.

For more information about the pros and cons of getting a guide dog, read these articles, one of whom is by a guide dog user. You’ll want to keep these advantages and disadvantages in mind while writing.

White Cane vs. Guide Dog: Why or Why Not?

Guide Dogs vs. White Canes: The Comprehensive Comparison

Things Your Guide Needs

This is not a comprehensive list, but I wanted to include things your animal needs and general tips on how to treat the animal in the story.

1. It needs the ability to follow commands. How you do this is up to you. For research, watch YouTube videos with service dogs. Pay attention to the commands they give.

Here is a list of some commands taught by a school for service dogs, which you can probably use as a base.

Command Central: Guide Dog Commands

2. It should be trained to avoid obstacles, like benches or people

3. It should not be touched or distracted by other characters or animals - people will probably try to do so, and your character should explain that the animal is working and should not be distracted

4. It should be taken care of an given time off-harness, such as at home. It should be well-behaved as well.

5. It should be able to go anywhere. Transportation, hospitals, royal courts, sports centers, whatever is on this planet. Service dogs can go anywhere and saying they aren’t allowed somewhere in a story would be a problem. Some people do try to bar service dogs, such as restaurants, but they do so out of ignorance and not because the law is on their side. Some countries do not have protections in place, true, but because you are creating your own planet, service dogs— or in your case service animals— being allowed anywhere should hold true no matter what. Why? Because even in Western countries where dogs are seen as culturally favorable, service animals are turned away illegally, particularly at restaurants, hospitals, doctor’s offices, and public transport. This differs from an Emotional Support Animal, who are allowed only in housing, dorms, and airports. For more information on the differences between where Emotional Support Animals and Service Animals can go, read the article below.

Where Can I Take Emotional Support Animals?

Who Can Be a Service Animal?

I wanted to discuss this as well. Again, there is a lot of misinformation out there and this leads to a lot of anger directed at people with service animals.

Service Animals and Emotional Support Animals are not the same. They do not serve the same purpose, cannot go to the same places, and are not bound by the same rules. You have probably heard at least one irate person claiming someone tried to bring their service monkey into a restaurant. That person is misinformed.

To start, Emotional Support Animals can be any animal. A dog, a cat, a bunny, a bird, a turtle. There is no limit as to what the animal can be, although it must provide comfort and be beneficial to your mental health. It should be easy to train and not harmful to others. It should also be able to live in a house or be otherwise domesticated. Emotional Support Animals need a letter from a Licensed Mental Health Professional in order to qualify as an Emotional Support Animal, which should hopefully keep people from trying to keep wild or dangerous animals as pets and claim them as Emotional Support Animals.

Here is an article that goes over things what an Emotional Support Animal does, what qualities and qualifications it must have, and examples of good ESA’s and what they can do for you.

Types of Animals As ESA’s and Their Benefits

Remember, Emotional Support Animals are only allowed in any kind of housing (such as apartments or dormitories) and airports. They are not allowed in other public places where animals would not otherwise be allowed. ESA’s also need to be registered through a letter of support by a mental health provider. This letter should be shown to a landlord, as Emotional Support Animals require proof.

Next, Service Animals. Let’s get it out of the way. Service Animals (usually dogs) provide services to people with disabilities. This means a guide dog, medical alert dog, psychiatric service dog, etc. Service Animals are owned by individuals and are not therapy dogs or other working dogs. For example, dogs you are providing therapy to children in hospitals are therapy dogs. Search and Rescue dogs are working dogs. I don’t know much about either of these, but here is an article that goes into more detail about the differences.

Service Dogs, Working Dogs, Therapy Dogs, Emotional Support Dogs: What’s the Difference?

Dogs and Miniature Horses

Service animals can only be dogs OR miniature horses. Many people only think of dogs, as dogs are more popular and common in public than horses. However, a miniature horse has the same rights as a dog when in a service animal role. In the United States, Federal law recognized miniature horses as accepted service animals in 2011.

Service dogs or service horses can:

-enter any public place dogs and horses are not usually allowed

-can be trained to guide the blind or provide services for other disabilities

-can go on planes without a pet fee (provided they can fit by the owner’s feet and not block the aisle)

If we take a look at this article again:

White Cane Vs. Guide Dog: Why Or Why Not?

we’ll notice that “being denied access” is not under the disadvantages of a Guide Dog section. I think it should be. Is denying access illegal? Yes. Does it still happen? Yes. And it would probably be even more likely when someone is presented with a miniature horse - at least in countries where dogs are more popular. On top of lack of knowledge about service animals, people are not often aware that miniature horses can serve in these roles as well. Vision Australia discusses this denial of rights and laws protecting blind people with service dogs.

However, The Guide Horse Foundation reports that many people expirience better acceptance of horses as opposed to dogs. This is because a dog may be perceived as a pet or be an animal that was denied access before. A horse may not have this problem.

Some Places Service/Guide Horses Are Recognized

Canada - with laws and protections varying by province and definitions differing slightly from the U.S and Australia. However, this site specifically mentions guide horses as service animals.

Australia - with laws varying by state, but wider protections in place, which you can read more about at Vision Australia and Australian Human Rights Commission. Australian Human Rights Commission also defines a service animal as a dog or any other animal, leaving horses as an option. According to this page, miniature horses are catching on in Australia, where people generally prefer dogs. The page lists similar reasons to those I included below that someone might want a miniature horse over a dog.

The U.S - According to this page, miniature horses are the one animal that is allowed to be a service animal other than a dog. They are required to be trained and are expected to behave as well as a service dog would. The requirements listed differ little from those required of service dogs.

The U.K - This page reports that miniature horses are making their way as service animals, but I could not find any other sources about this topic, such as official recognition.

I tried searching and could not find proof that miniature horses were catching on in other places, though I found many, many places where guide dogs were popular. The point is that guide horses exist as well, and I think this can help people understand what makes a service/guide animal with more clarity.

Why a Miniature Horse?

Here is an article that discusses this in detail:

A Brief History of Miniature Horses And the ADA

According that article, a major reason people might prefer a horse to a dog is for balancing purposes. The DeafBlind community often includes people with balance difficulties (which I discussed a bit in my last ask) and miniature horses are better able to provide support, having more strength than a dog. They can steady someone when walking or help someone stand from a chair.

Other reasons someone might prefer a horse:

They live in a rural area

They or a member of their household are allergic to dogs

They live in a place where dogs are not favored, seen as dirty, or religiously unacceptable

They or a member of their household has a fear of dogs

They want a guide that lives and works longer than dogs (who work for about 6-8 years)

According to the website for The Guide Horse Foundation, horses have high stamina, do not get fleas or shed as often as dogs, and are conscious about safety.

Qualities Your Guide Animals Should Have

Using the dog and horse guides as references, here are some qualities I think your creature should have:

Trainable, both for commands and so they don’t pee where they aren’t supposed to

It should be specifically trained for this purpose, preferably by a group of some kind - this is your equivalent of a guide dog school

Good eye sight, good hearing, and strong memory at least

Relatively small, but not too small (you can use Labrador dogs and miniature horses as a reference

Good stamina for walking

Not territorial, aggressive, or dangerous- dogs can possess these qualities so I think it is okay if a wild version of your guide has these qualities. However, your guide specifically should not have them. For example, wild dogs may be aggressive, but a trained guide dog would not be.

Your guide should not be used for protection, hunting, or attacking others who may be a threat. While the presence of the animal can certainly act as a deterrent in real life and in the story, that is not the animal’s function.

Your guide should be calm, docile, and able to bond with your character

Your guide animal should generally not be seen by the people in your world as frightening, dangerous, or religiously unclean. Note that sometimes guide dogs fit these qualities in certain cultures and so they are not used there. If possible, give your world and its cultures a good working relationship with a few different animals. Pick one or two of these as possible guides people can choose from. You can possibly draw from your own culture and history for this if your culture has had good working relationships with animals.

Your guide animal should be able to be harnessed (a leash is not enough) and possibly wear something that alerts others that they are working (such as a vest)

The animal should have good navigation skills and possibly natural guiding skills. Because you are creating a species, you can possibly make these qualities innate. From what I read, horses guide by nature, able to act as guides for other horses in the herd if they are blinded.

Your guide animal should probably not fly, unless people fly or float in your world. Since it should be small enough to enter buildings and not accidentally crush children, I don’t know if having it be big enough to fly on would be a good idea anyway, as fun as that sounds.

Small enough to enter buildings and sit at the character’s feet, such as at a restaurant if your world has those

It should be able to be trained in “babyhood” and work into adult life. Dogs typically work 6-8 years and horses have a much longer lifespan and thus work longer. Create an animal that can live at least as long as a dog and thus work for some, but not all of that time. Give it a retirement phase in life, if your book ever got to that. Basically, use dogs and miniature horses as a base and work from there.

The animal should be domesticated on your world and not strictly wild (such as a lion in our world).

The animal should be comfortable on land. The ability to swim is fine, but it should of course be primarily a land animal.

The animal should have a common, available food supply and vet care even if you don’t go into this. If your guide is domesticated and possibly kept as a pet in your world (or a neighboring world, however your story is structured), this will be much easier and being easy to care for will probably be implied.

It should be allowed anywhere, including hospitals, and it should be well-behaved in those areas

It should not run away from your character and leave them alone

That’s all I can think of at this time. Generally, I think if this were set on Earth or an Earth-like fantasy place, I might suggest creating a dog- or horse-like creature, or possibly another domesticated animal that the culture favors in real life. However, since this is on another planet, I feel okay with getting creative with the type of animal, provided it has the same qualities and can serve the same purpose as a real-life equivalent. Some of this you can create with your world-building and some with research on real-life animals to use as inspiration. If anyone with a service animal disagrees, please add your opinion. It would be beneficial to me and hopefully to the asker as well.

Thank you again for the question and if you need more help, feel free to send me another ask or a message. I hope this can benefit you in some way. Good luck with your story!

Edit: I wanted to add this sensitivity reader, who can read for working with guide dogs and other blind stuff.

[naturalbeautyhelp]

Acne Cures on a budget  (revamped)

Acne is a very tricky subject that millions of people struggle with- sometimes for their entire lives. If you have struggled yourself I’m sure you’re aware that there is no cure-all for acne, but there may be some methods for healing the skin that you haven’t heard yet so I’m going to share everything I know with you just in case.  First, the basics:

1. Drink plenty of water and eat healthy foods. This is just a given. If you want to feel comfortable in your skin you may have to make some lifestyle changes. that Includes getting regular exercise and sunlight. 2. Recognize the fact that your skin is an organ. Like any organ it has an ecosystem of healthy bacteria that ought to be treated with care- much like a garden. It will need different things on different days, and in order to reach it’s fullest potential, the gardener (that’s you) will need to pay close attention to it. 

3. Be aware that pimples are infected pores which are attempting to heal themselves. The puss inside of them is a soup of white blood cells which are trying to repair the skin for some reason. Finding the root cause of the infection before treatment is ideal. 

A few common acne culprits: Your acne could be hormonal, it could be caused by allergies (ex: food allergies, detergent allergies), or your skin may be getting bacterial infections from unsanitary surfaces or poor air quality. 

Now to get into the technical stuff: 

~If your skin is hurting, red, swollen, try putting down harsh chemicals like Niacinamide and Retinol, and try something calming like rosehip oil or aloe vera.

  Amaranthus oil, tea tree oil, rapeseed oil, rosewater, and witch hazel are all examples of gentle things that are amazing for the skin. I know natural skin healers can be very expensive, but if you can’t afford them don’t hesitate to steel them from your local, unethical corporate store. If you need tips on s***lifting,  try visiting this Reddit community at   https://www.reddit.com/r/IllegalLifeProTips/

~Rinse your face with cool or cold water every time you wash it. This seals up your pores and prevents dirt and bacteria from entering them.

~Make sure that the things that touch your face every day are clean. Make sure that the cloths and towels that you use on your face are clean. Disinfect face tools regularly and use hot water on wash cloths to kill bacteria between washes.  Clean your glasses. Change your sheets and pillow cases frequently. In addition, avoid touching your face constantly with your hands as well as your hair, and keep your hands and hair clean. 

~⚠️Don’t pick your face! Pimples are like Petri dishes full of puss and bacteria and when you pop them you are just spreading the ickiness around to the rest of your face. In addition to that, every time you pop a pimple you are damaging the barrier of your skin, which not only can cause scarring and dark spots, but it can leave your skin vulnerable to bad bacteria and cause further breakouts. For these reasons, you should only pop a zit as a last resort. 

~Popping: If you have very stubborn acne and insist on popping anyway, go to an aesthetician if you have the privilege to do so

If you can not see an aesthetician, try this method for safe pimple popping: 

Wash the affected area with hot water and a mild soap. Pop the pimple making sure you get EVERYTHING out of it, wash it again with extra hot water, dry it with something clean. Then, apply lots of pressure to the popped pimple so that it doesn't get the chance to “refill” itself (use a q-tip if you have one for at least 30 seconds to 5 minutes depending on how big the pimple is). Next, put some rubbing alcohol, and some diluted tea tree oil on the pimple and cover it with the sticky part of a band-aid. Leave the band-aid on until you are certain that it will not grow back.

~🛑 Stop using all of those skincare products. Obviously if they worked, you wouldn't even be reading this. Using certain products (especially the harsher ones) can cause allergic reactions and sometimes dry out your skin, which can trigger your skin to produce extra oil to overcompensate, which leads to acne. They also tend to eat away at you financially. Break the vicious cycle. Try tossing all of your products and use a mild soap and simple moisturizer for a few weeks before starting anything new again.

If you insist on using acne products then follow this important rule.                 🚨 🚨  Do not use multiple products within the same 3 weeks. Doing this makes it impossible to figure out which products could be helping or causing further damage to your skin.

~Know that many skin care products do have valuable substances, but they use fillers and fragrances that can ruin your skin. Try looking at the ingredients in your skin care products, researching the individual components, and purchasing said components individually. Ex: instead of buying an ‘aloe infused moisturizer’, try purchasing real aloe vera gel- or better yet buy an aloe vera plant- and use that ingredient as you see fit. It can be more cost effective, better for the environment, and a good learning experience. 

~Avoid wearing foundation and concealer. Of course it is tempting to cover acne with makeup, but your makeup can add fuel to the fire by clogging pores and spreading bad bacteria 

~If you are applying makeup to the face, make sure that you are regularly cleaning your brushes and disinfecting your pallets. Dirty makeup supplies don’t just contribute to acne, they can cause gnarly infections in sensitive areas (like the eyes) and send you to the hospital.

Now here are some advanced methods for healing the skin. Feel free to alter them so that they suit your specific needs:

🧖🏾‍♀️The Steam Method:

If you suspect that your soap is a culprit, or you just want to try something new, replace your morning cleansing routine with this (give skin 2 weeks time to purge before deciding whether or not this works for you). Get a light oil, preferably rosehip or coconut, and rub it on your face very well for at least 30 seconds. Then, take a clean washcloth and submerge it in the hottest water you can take. Take the washcloth and firmly press it against the entire surface of your face until it cools. Use the cloth to remove all the oil you can manage. 

🧖🏼‍♀️The other Steam Method:

Get a pot and boil water in it. Put your face over the boiling water (not too close lol) and let the steam open up your pores for 5-10 minutes. After you are done, use a clean, damp washcloth to wipe your face. Then get an ice cube or cold water and put it all over your face to seal your pores back up. Personally I like putting tea in the water sometimes. Peppermint tea and green tea are great. 

🩹 Bandaging:

Now this might sound ridiculous, but I have learned that putting bandages/band-aids onto your face at night can make a world of difference when it comes to acne and hyperpigmentation. My personal method is this: each night after I steam and wash my face, I put tiny bit of rubbing alcohol onto each pimple. I then wash and sanitize my hands with rubbing alcohol, apply diluted tea tree oil to each problem area on my face, and then take an ordinary cloth bandage and cover every zit that I can find. After each zit is covered, I apply moisturizer and serums to the rest of the face as I normally would. Change bandages frequently (1-3 times a day depending on how oily your skin is), and leave them on the affected area until swelling has gone down. Repeat the process as many times as you’d like. 

Usually normal bandaids are fine, but at times when my acne flares up badly I will go so far as to use gauze on large areas of my face. The cloth absorbs any oil that your skin secrets while protecting it from bacteria and sweat all night long, and the bandage seals in the tea tree oil so that it can penetrate your pores. I have noticed that the sticky part of a bandaid does the best job at diffusing large pimples as opposed to the white cloth part which is best for blackheads. 

~If all else fails and you have done your best to cure acne at home, consider talking to a doctor if you have that option. 🥼 They may try to prescribe an acne medication, but these options tend to be extremely expensive and hard on your organs. Ask them if you can try a prescribed antibiotic supplement first. 

Last but certainly not least: Sit with the fact that picture perfect skin is not healthy skin. As mentioned earlier, your skin is an organ. And it’s job is merely to protect your insides- not to get you onto the cover of a magazine. Your skin is not meant to look like the porcelain on a doll. 

💊💊💊💊💊And that is it! wow that was a long post. I hope this can help at least one person out there with their skin troubles because this took forever 

#skincare #wellness #beauty #beauty products #self care #skin care #acne #acnecommunity #acneproblems #acnefree #acnehelp #health #beauty tips #healthy skin #black blogger #black beauty #black beauty blogger #black wellness #black wellness blogger #life hacks #computer science #anarchist

[what-the--curtains]

In a Week

Part 2/4 - The Importance of Being Idle

(Frankie Morales x f!reader)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Summary: Things get easier between you and Frankie as the storm outside rages on.

Authors notes: Hello! Sorry this took so long (I forgot I had a lab report due this week so I was busy panic writing 6000 words the patient few days!) anyways this is soft makes my heart happy 🥺 thank u for all the support in the story💕💕

Tw: Swearing, dead sibling mentioned (I think that’s all)

Work count: 4.9k

Tagged: @agingerindenial @icanbeyourjedi

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 2

You don’t know when,or how it happened, but sometime during the night you had found your way over to the heat being emitted from human furnace Frankie Morales. Your limbs were wrapped lazily around him, with your leg over his and your arm resting idly on his chest. You blink into the light emitting a dissatisfied grumble realizing you had woken up. You hear a sigh from above and with one eye still closed, you tilt your head up to see Frankie currently hyper focused on winning whatever game he was playing on his phone.

"You could have woken me up you know.” You say, detaching from him and rolling over onto your back rubbing your eyes. “How long have you been awake?" you ask, yawning.

"Few hours, you’re quite the sleeper, slept through all 4 alarms that went off." He responds, still fixated on his phone.

"Shit, sorry about that. My mother used to say I could sleep for England" you state, earning a soft chuckle from the man beside you. Even after years of working on hospital hours, waking up was always a struggle for you, no matter the time of day. After a few moments of contemplating whether you really had to move, you rip off the covers and scoot out of bed. Tearing open the curtains you let out a dissatisfied groan when you see a snowscape where the parking lot once was. You turn around arms crossed, eyes glazed over inadvertently boring into him. You hear him say something but it doesn't register.

“What?” you ask, shaking yourself from the trance and moving towards your over packed bag to retrieve clean clothes.

“Nothing.” he says, eyes back on his phone. You raise your eyebrows and head into the bathroom to get changed, emerging in sweats and a vintage band shirt that you’d tied at the waist.

"The clash? Nice." Frankie says, as he passes by you into the bathroom, closing the door.

"Ya London Calling" you respond sitting down on the bed and pulling on some socks, not fully listening to what he had said. "I’m going to ask the front desk if we can renew the room, doesn't look like we're going anywhere anytime soon. I can see if there's another one available if you don’t wanna share" You say, when you hear the doors lock click open, knowing he may still be mad at you for not pulling over sooner.

"I mean I don't mind sharing, unless you’d be more comfortable..." he starts, mouth hanging open downturned slightly, as he rinses his hands.

“I’m fine sharing, nice to have some company plus it's cheaper this way.” you say, grabbing the room key off the nightstand.

"Let me know how much it is, I'll pay half" he says, stretching out his back, cursing the mattress for being too soft.

"I feel like you should be paying more since you get the good half of the bed.” you offer, pointing your finger at him.

“I think they call that extortion,” he says, grinning “Oh, see if they have any food while you're down there I’m starving” he calls as you exit into the hallway and make your way downstairs.

“Hey, I was looking to re-book the room from last night” you say to the receptionist who you recognized from last night. Suppose she got stuck here as well, you wonder if she’d gotten any sleep.

“For how many more nights?” she asks.

“How long do you think this storm is going to last?” You ask.

“At least a few more days, but then the roads will have to be cleared, so maybe a week? We can book you in for two more nights then go from there though, no one else will be coming in”

“That’d be great,” you say, taking out your credit card. “What about food, is there any way we can get some stuff to make sandwiches or something?” you ask

“Well the culinary staff was trapped here by the storm, another reason why so many rooms were booked, so they’ll be able to have food sent up.” You nod, the hotel was upscale and you hated to think how expensive the food was going to be, but what choice did you have?

“It's past breakfast, but we may have some spare sandwiches leftover, let me just go check.” she offers, returning a few minutes later with a couple of boxes.

“Thank you so much!” you say taking the boxed up food from her.

“Anything else I can help you with?”

“Oh yes” you say, “booze, can I buy that here?”

“That, we have plenty of!” she smiles.

~~~~~

You re-enter the room with the boxed up breakfasts, a case of beer and two bottles of wine

“Here food” you say, sliding the boxes off the beer and onto the counter next to the fridge.“We missed breakfast, so it’s probably cold, and I booked the room for another two nights, but we can go from there” you say, reiterating the receptionist's words as you place the drinks in the fridge.

“Planning on sharing that or?” he laughs watching you strategically maneuver the booze into the fridge

“Hey, I get a week off work, I'm going to be drinking. Do I wish it was on a beach in sunny south Carolina? Yes, but this will have to do, and I hate drinking alone so congratulations you’ve just been conscripted” You say, as he empties out one of the breakfasts onto a plate placing it in the microwave for a few minutes.

“Here. Do you want this? You say peeling the sliced ham off your sandwich” waving it infront of his face.

“Not a fan of ham?” he asks, taking it and adding it into his own.

“Not a fan of meat in general, I’m a vegetarian”

“Course you are.” he laughs.

“Bold words coming from a guy wearing a baseball hat inside, in the middle of winter” you say, throwing a balled up napkin at his head.

“So what exactly do you do? Santi never said.” he asks, leaving you to question what Santiago had said about you.

“I’m a doctor, well almost a doctor one more year of residency, hopefully” you say, crossing your fingers.

“Shit, aren’t you kinda young to be a doctor?” he asks, looking you up and down with raised eyebrows.

“Older than I look, but thank you. How about you?”

“I was a pilot, me and Pope served together for a while, but I’m mainly just teaching now. How’d you two meet by the way? I’ve never seen you round base before, I’m sure I’d remember you hanging around” he says.

“He basically lived at my house growing up, well until he went into the military when I was in middle school. ”

“I thought you said you weren’t young” he laughs “So you didn't serve?”

“No, my brother did though, he was a few years older than Santi but they were inseparable.” you state, preparing yourself for the imminent conversation.

“Who?” Frankie asks, slightly offended that Pope had a secret best friend he never introduced to him.

“His name was Parker '' you say, hoping the past tense clues Frankie in.

“Ya I’ve met Parker! Good guy what branch is he in these days?” he says, not picking up on your word selection or how your mouth hangs slightly ajar or how your eyes have gone vacant.

“Was in” is all you say, you avert your gaze staring down at the floor “he passed five years ago in active duty”

“Shit, I’m sorry I…” he stumbles over his words trying to form a coherent sentence.

“Not your fault how were you supposed to know, besides I'm sure you’ve lost your fair share of people.” you say offering him a not very convincing, but reassuring smile. You let the awkwardness hang in the air, not wanting to speak first.

“What... kind of doctor are you?” he says, hoping to cut the tension he’d caused.

“Medical, diagnostics.” you say, exhaling as the easiness you felt around Franki came back.

“So like House?” He asks.

“Ya cane and all.” you laugh, his lopsided grin having returned to his face, as he leans in to grab your plate.

“Hey, I uh.. I need to make a phone call.” He says, washing the dishes in the sink.

“I'll make myself scarce, give you some privacy. Is it fine if I'm in the shower or did you want me to fully vacate the premise? I can go down to the gym for a bit.” you offer.

“Showers perfect.” He says, mentally questioning his word choice there. He waits to hear the water run before pulling out his phone and dialing his mother who was currently watching his daughter for what was only supposed to be a few days.

You let the water wash over you turning on some music to drown out the conversation Frankie was having, not wanting to pry on his personal life. You did find yourself wondering who he was calling just simple curiosity, nothing else. You had decided you liked Frankie despite the rocky start, the more time you spent with him the more you felt like you'd known him for years. You could see why he and Santiago got along so well they were two sides of the same coin, his calm nicely balancing out Santiago's rashness. Or should you call him Pope? What kind of nickname was that, and Santiago was anything but a saint. You made a mental note to ask Frankie for the origin stories later he may be more forthcoming about it than Santiago. Lathering your hair you close your eyes, allowing Frankie’s image to come to the forefront of your mind. He had an old beauty, a kind of beauty that was suited to a ruler of a long forgotten empire. You begin to feel the water run cold, had you really been in the shower that long? You turn off the tap and dry yourself off redonning your sweats and tying the Clash shirt into a crop. As you exit the bedroom you’re met at the door by Frankie who hands you a cup of coffee.

“Thanks” you say smiling up at him.

“Take it as an apology for being an ass yesterday, I was tired and shouldn’t have thrown a tantrum about it, you don’t control the weather”

“Well I guess I should apologize as well for not listening to you, especially considering you’re the one with training in navigating radars.”

The rest of the day is spent in relative silence breaking into conversation every once in a while about nothing in particular. You sit on the couch reading while he sits in the chair across from you book in hand as the news plays faintly in the background. The storm had been dubbed “snowmageddon” by the anchors, not particularly innovative but it got the point across, 20cm had fallen and another 30 was being predicted you groaned internally thinking about how long it was gonna take you to clear off your car. At least you'd have military help. Dinner comes and goes and he doesn't ask you many questions, unsurprising considering how the last conversion had turned out. Instead you tell him about the weirdest cases you’d ever seen come through the hospital and he tells you about the incidents that got him and Santi sent to the hospital.

“Alright I'm going to turn in” he says, as you look up from the rabbit hole you'd currently found yourself stuck in.

“Shit ya good call” you say closing your phone and rubbing your eyes. Once again he beats you to the bed, giving him a prime position to watch in amusement as you dig through your bag.

“Lost something? Seriously, how deep is that bag? What are you looking for?” he inquires.

“Normal pyjamas” you mutter, all concentration currently being used to find something appropriate to sleep in.

“What pray tell are normal pyjamas?” he asks, a confused look plastered across his face.

“Let's just say a certain king of sleepwear was packed for someone who was suppose to be at the wedding”

“Who?” he asks.

“Ah ha!” you cry victoriously, pulling out your day-to-day sleepwear. You exit the bathroom in the silk sleep set you’d gotten a few years back. Frankie’s eyes widen slightly when he sees you emerge, the pyjamas leaving little to the imagination. If those were your normal pyjamas he didn't want to think about what the other ones were. The last thing he wanted to do was make you uncomfortable by coming off as a creep. Which he was already feeling like by ogling you as you bent over the sink spitting out your toothpaste. His eyes dart down to look at his hands as you walk around the bed to bed, only looking up once the covers are pulled up over you. He turns off the lamp and settles into the mattress, placing his hands on his chest and closing his eyes.

“Please for the love of god, stop moving” he mumbles after 15 minutes of patiently waiting for you to stop wriggling. Your eyes open as you shift again, completely aware of how annoying you must be to him.

“I know I'm sorry, I‘m just..” you move one more time, balling your fists up and slamming them into the mattress in frustration.

“Not comfy” he finishes for you, eyes opening staring up at the ceiling.

“Ya especially since someone took my side of the bed” you bemoan.

“Look, you’ve already slept wrapped around me once, so you can... do it again. If it’s the easiest way for you to sleep.” he says hoping the offer comes off as sincere, and not weird. You chew your lower lip for a second before accepting the fact that it was the only way you’d be able to sleep. He lifts his arms above his head allowing you to position yourself comfortably on top of him, before lowering them down. One hand on his stomach and the other wrapped around your shoulder.

“Don’t even think about trying...” you start, eyes batting sleepily up at him.

“I know you don’t know me well, but i'm not like that. It's not good or fun unless everyones fully and consensually on board.” With that you ease into him, trusting his words. Breathing deeply you drift off to sleep to the smell of clean laundry that you’d come to associate with Frankie.

Day 3

“Hey I'm going to the gym if you need to make a call or whatever” you say, pulling on your sneakers, feeling refreshed from the good sleeps you’d had the past two nights.

“Thanks,” he says, watching you leave before calling to check in on his daughter.

“Hey mom how is she? Good good ya, put her on would ya? Hey darling how are you! Yes I'm going to be home soon. Were just stuck in a big snow storm, did you see it? I wish you were here then we could build a snowman together! Yes just like Elsa and Anna. Yes we can watch them when I get home and absolutely I will try and save you a snowball. Alright, okay, I love you.” He says, a few minutes was more than he’d expected from the kid, toddlers aren’t known for their keen telecommunication skills after all.

“Hey mom, thanks again for watching her. This storm came outta nowhere. We're going to miss the wedding, I know they’re gonna be pissed. That’s not a swear Mom! No, I'm not alone. One of Santis friends she's a doctor. Yes, I mean I don’t know! Why does it matter? Look, I'm hanging up now. I am. No I won't be doing that I love you, I'll call later.” he hangs up shaking his head. Despite what everyone around him thought, the last thing on his mind was dating, his kid was his number one, scratch that, his only priority especially since her mother disappeared in the night. Leaving nothing but a note about having other reasons to live. Whatever the hell that meant. He hears the key unlock the door and watches as you re-enter, not stopping to make conversation, bee-lining straight for the shower. Knowing he’d have a good half hour to kill he dials his phone again.

“Hey Pope” he says, taking the opportunity to call his friend and deliver the bad news.

“Hey ‘Fish where the hell are you guys?” he shouts from the other end, evidently in a crowded room.

“Trapped by the storm, we're not gonna make it.”

“Shit Gen’s gonna lose it, and Stella if it wasn’t for her four sisters Y/N would be in the wedding party they were roommates for years.” He stresses.

“Damn, ya man i'm really sorry, she's in the shower, but I can pass the phone to her when she's out?” Frankie offers.

“No man, don't bother her. I'll text her in a bit. Hey you guys sharing a room?” he questions, the agenda behind it obvious.

“Wasn’t much of a choice, rooms were all booked up.”

“You're sleeping on the floor I hope” A protective tone taking over.

“You know my back’s bad Pope.” he explains calmly, hoping to de-escalate the situation.

“Catfish you better keep those hands to yourself, she's not one of your nightly conquests”

“Man I haven’t been like that since my kid came along” He chuckles, knowing full well that those days were long behind him.

“I'm a serious ‘Fish, she's too good for you, and she's in no place to be fucked over by another guy alright?”

“Look I know she'd never go for me Pope and I'm flattered you think she would. Glad i'm still handsome in your eyes.I’ll call you later” he laughs, ending the conversation on a lighter note.

“Hey” you say, pulling your Boston University sweater over your head, drying out your hair with a towel.

“Pope says hi” Frankie says, hanging up the phone

“What's the nickname mean?” you question, ready to get to the bottom of it.

“That's top secret information” he taunts, shaking the phone at you.

“Oh I'm sure I could figure out a way to get it out of you.” you smirk, raising your eyebrows

“Hey! I have military training!” he exclaims, offended at the insinuation.

“Militarys got nothing on me.” you retort, slapping him on the shoulder as you pass by.

“Well, if the plan is to ply me with alcohol, it may just work” he confesses.

“Perfect” you say, heading to the fridge opening up the wine bottle “let the games begin” you say tossing him a beer bottle watching as he uses a lighter to open it before bringing it to his lips.

“So tell me what does Pope mean?” you ask after a few hours of meaningless conversations and playing a drinking game that went along with the forensic files repeats you were watching. “Is it a dick thing” you whisper yell, causing Frankie to burst out laughing.

“Why? You wanna know what it looks like?” He asks forehead creased the trace of laughter still etched on his face.

“Ew No! but I am asking if it looks like a Pope?” you say trying to hide your amusement with a stern look.

“Which Pope?” Frankie asks in an equally serious tone, curious as to where you were going with this.

“Francis?” you ask.

“Nope” He answers after pausing for a moment.

“Fred?” You ask, now entrapped in a bizarre game of guess who, but in reference to what holy figure most resembled your friends penis.

“Was there a Pope named Fred?” He asks unsuccessfully, stifling a laugh.

“Probably? There were like three Popes at once at one point in time.”

“No his dick doesn't look like the Pope, now can we please stop talking about my best friend's penis!” he exclaims.

“Fine, but this isn’t over.” you say chewing your lip trying to think of other possible explanations when a phone ringing interrupts you thought.

“Shit, Sorry I have to take this,'' he says, pulling out his phone and walking to the next room, forgetting to close the door, leaving you to inadvertently eavesdrop on his conversation.

“Good night sweety I love you to the moon and back I'll be home soon.”

Your eyes go wide as you feel your stomach sink, of course he was married, he was too nice, too easy, something had to have been off. A ick comes over you at the thought of being unknowingly draped over a married man, and you suddenly begin questioning Frankies motives.

“Sorry about that. It's my daughter she uh, I didn’t say goodnight to her last night and she missed it” he says with a slight chuckle, pride evident on his face.

“How old is she?” you ask smiling at how he lit up at being asked about his kid.

“Three” he says, grabbing another beer and grunting slightly as he sits back on the floor next to you.

“Good age” You offer, shaking off the feeling of betrayal and disappointment that had come over you for a brief moment.

“Ya she's perfect” he beams.

“I bet, I mean I don’t know what your wife looks like, but if she's got your eyes watch out world.” You offer turning to face him only to see that his smile had faded, replaced instead by a somber hurt.

“Her mothers not in the picture” He says, clearing his throat and taking a long drink.

“Shit Frankie I'm sorry” you say quickly, feeling like a prize idiot for making assumptions about his character.

“Hey I brought up your dead brother, only seems fair you bring up my ex who abandoned us.” He says with a shrug. “Don’t, don’t look at me like that” He says, shaking his head and knitting his brows together tired of being looked at like he was broken. It was horrible when it happened. It was fucking shitty that she had left her daughter without a care, but now? Hell, he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Watching his daughter grow up was worth it.

“Fuck” you say, scrunching up your face “I hate when people do that to me.”

“You need another drink?” he offers, hoping to ease the sudden awkwardness into the room, one he was accustomed to after telling his dates about his kid, not that this was a date.

“Ya I need it to wash the taste of foot out of my mouth” you laugh, feeling worse than when your brother was inadvertently brought up.

“Seriously don't worry about it. Speaking of a palette cleanser you wanna watch a movie or something?” he says pouring the rest of the wine into your glass, before grabbing another drink out the fridge for himself.

“Ya but it's gotta be horror, the only thing i'm in the mood for.”

“Didn’t think bringing up my ex was that scary.” he laughs, handing you the glass.

“No, but talking about Santiago's penis was.” You deadpan, causing Frankie to snort out his drink. “What? Do all the girls say that about it? A real nightmare?” you continue, giggling as he coughs through a laugh. “Was it the inspiration for the creature from the black lagoon?” for some reason the stupid bit your doing causes Frankie to double over subsequently encouraging your own laughing fit. After the ache in your side subsides Frankie sits down on the couch next to you. Using his sleeve to wipe any spillage from his beard.

“Any preference?” you ask, leaning your head back against the couch. He shakes his head. “Alright, the Conjuring it is! I gotta pee first though, need anything before we start?” you ask, walking towards the washroom.

“Just you.” he calls out, as the door closes behind you. Fuck, why the hell did he say that. He shakes his head at how desperate it sounded. Jesus christ, he was embarrassing.

You were just tipsy enough that the bathroom's bright lights made you feel wobbly. You cross your arms as you pee, thinking about the words you’d just heard, about how he needed you. Well maybe that was a reach, but it was okay to pretend just for a night? In all honesty, even though this wasn't a date, it was definitely the best time you'd had with a guy… ever, something about him was just so easy. You flush the toilet and open the door washing your hands, hotels were so weird, why wasn't the sink in with the toilet? You felt like you needed to wipe the handle down after every use.

You flop back onto the couch next to him, closer than you’d been when you left, but leaving enough space between you. After a few jump scares that catch even the pilot off guard the two of you found yourself snuggled into each other. You knew the movie was getting to him, because the arm wrapped around your shoulder pulled you closer into his side whenever the ominous music began to play. He wouldn't say the movie was getting to him per say, it was just in his nature to protect others. Even if it was just a stpid movie he wanted to make sure you felt safe. After the movie ends you quickly separate from each other and clear up the glasses, leaving them to ‘soak’ overnight. Frankie gets to the bathroom first, again. Thirsty, you wander back out to the kitchen grabbing a glass and filling it with water jumping when you think you see a shadow move out the corner of your eye. It was strange, how you loved horror so much while watching it but the second it turned off, any sounds, or hat rack or shadow scared the living daylights out of you. At least this time there would be another person with you. After getting ready for bed you switch off the lights and make your way to the bed.

“What are you doing?” Frankie asks, watching you lift up the bedskirt peering under the bed. “Are you seriously checking under the bed right now?” He laughs, unable to get over how you, a medical professional was afraid of ghosts.

“Better safe than sorry!” you exclaim eyes wide as your head pops up.

“You can't believe in this shit can you?”

“Hey man you get sleep paralysis then tell me that shit isn’t plausible” you respond pointing a finger at him, before pushing yourself off your knees and up onto the bed.

You crawl under the covers and sit up parting your hair to braid it before going to bed.

“Can I ask you a weird favour” he asks, you panic slightly, fuck he was too good to be true, no way a guy was that sweet without an alterior motive.

“Yes, but proceed with extreme caution” you say.

“Can you teach me how to braid hair? I want to be able to do my daughter's hair but I’m pretty terrible at it. Her teacher once asked if she'd gotten caught in a bush on the way in.” Your heart jumps slightly, at the sincere revelation. How, how could one guy be this sweet, and thoughtful and not creepy?

“Of course I can show you.” you say and you proceed to give him a step by step tutorial, followed by a demonstration prior to actually letting him have at your hair so he can try and replicate the motions. Once he got the motion down you’d mistakenly tried to show him how to french-braid it down from the top.

“Be honest doc, how bad is it.” He says.

“Well, maybe we shouldn't have tried a french braid quite yet.” you say laughing feeling the matted mess currently on your head. You turn upon hearing him groan, watching as he leans back into the pillow bringing his hands up to hide his face.

“For someone who's a pilot i'm shocked you can't do this.” you say, hand reaching up to salvage your hair.

“Are you judging me?” he says, sitting back up when he sees you struggling to untangle the mess he’d made.

“Maybe a little.” Your breath hitches when you feel his hand grazed against yours. You drop it to the side upon contact allowing his fingers to work gently at removing the knots.

“Are pilots supposed to be good at braiding?” he asks.

“I just assumed if you could weave in and out of the sky you'd be good with your hands.” you laugh as he frees the last of your hair from the prison he'd made. He watches as you effortlessly put your hair back up into tidy braids.

“You make it look so easy,” he says.

“Well practice makes perfect, but look on the brightside, now you have a sure fire pick up line that'll work on all the MILFs youll be dating!” you exclaim turning back to smile at him.

“Malo '' he mutters, pushing your shoulder slightly as you giggle, dramatically falling back onto the bed and pulling the covers up over you. It doesn't take a moment before you're back around him, breathing silently, and fast asleep. He wasn’t far behind you, he never used to sleep well in hotels, or at all really, not after the mission, but something about this place made it easy. He's sure it's nothing to do with the idle hand on his chest or the rhythmic beating of the heart belonging to the person draped over him.

#frankie x reader #frankie morales x reader #frankie catfish morales #frankie morales x you #frankie x y/n #catfish x you #catfish x reader #triple frontier fic #triple frontier fanfiction #in a week #part 2

[write-like-you-mean-it]

A Hunter’s Prey: I Love You

The sound of city traffic felt nostalgic. I awoke in my own bedroom filled with trinkets from a life that seemed a thousand years ago. I curled into the covers of the bed. When I first bought the bed, it felt so small. Now, it seems so big when there’s not someone to share the length. I could tell the weather was changing as the cold air permeated the room. I shivered while reaching for my phone on my nightstand. Three messages were on the screen. All of them from Illumi. A smile crossed my face as I read them. Today was our official first date. 

The first message said “I can’t wait to see you today, beautiful.”

The next said “Don’t forget to meet me at 3:30.”

The last said “I have a lot planned. But dress warmly. I don’t want you to get a cold.”

I ruffled a hand through my hair as I looked through my closet. While I had a lot of time, it was going to take me a while to get ready. Illumi refused to tell me anything beyond those messages. It had been a few weeks since I saw him last. He stayed with me in the hospital until I was released. Even at night, he’d sneak in after visiting hours were done. He’d sit in the chair right by my bed and we talked for hours. Those few days were the closest I’d ever felt towards him. It was like he was a book filled with hieroglyphics and I finally got the cipher. While we were broken up, something changed deep within him. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I could feel a change. Illumi was not the same person who put me in those chains so long ago. 

 Illumi would tell me about his past and what it was like to be an assassin. I would tell him about my family and my old job. Weirdly enough, I would see his eyes shine whenever he’d listen to me. I knew that reliving the past was difficult for him. He would sometimes get quiet and I knew that whatever we were discussing was a topic for another day. 

I found myself loving the sound of his calming voice. When I couldn’t sleep, Illumi would read from his journal of the month long trip or he’d tell a story about his family. I would never admit it but I would stay up longer than he knew so that I could continue listening to him even after he thought I fell asleep. 

Once out of the hospital and still a tiny bit high on pain meds, we were going to have our first date the next day; however, Illumi received a call from his father. Since he was still in the family business, he had to go. We’ve been long distance ever since. Today was the first day that he’s had off in about a month. 

While Illumi was doing his day job, I tried to get back my old one. My company laughed me out of the room. I paid no mind and went out for more interviews. It was hard to explain a year long blank in my resume to my employers but I was able to get a job in a relative field for somewhat less pay. It was enough to be completely sustainable without Illumi’s money, even though he offered to pay for all my expenses many times over. 

I pulled out my favorite outfit from the closet. It was the one I felt most confident in while still looking beautiful. I knew that Illumi would love it after not seeing me for so long. The alarm I had set to leave on time rang so I quickly grabbed my jacket, keys, and phone before running down the stairs. 

My heart beat faster with every step it took to go down. My phone buzzed but I didn’t have to check it. I knew it was Illumi saying that he was in front of my building. The moment we locked eyes, all the longing and heartache from distance disappeared. He was dressed in a white fluffy sweater, long black pants, a sturdy, chiche black coat and a matching coker around his neck. A look I hadn’t seen from him; yet, it fit extremely well. He had always been stylish but this was different. He actually tried to look good. 

Illumi was looking down at his phone so I called out his name. He looked up in enough time for me to wrap my arms tightly around his strong frame. My hands tangled in his long hair by accident. He reciprocated the hug by wrapping his arms around my waist. In the frigid air, Illumi felt like a beacon of warmth. I appreciated the act of physical touch because he was still learning that touching was okay. 

He was the one to pull away first and I followed suit. I looked up on to his tall frame to see a tiny smile plastered on his lips. “You look beautiful, Y/N,” he says. 

“You look good yourself,” I smile back. “Where will you be taking me?”

“It’s a surprise,” Illumi said while starting the journey towards our first location. I joined him and placed my hand in his. “I’ll tell you when we’re about to arrive.” We walked together in quiet conversations. Nothing too important beyond him asking about my new job and I asking about his. Illumi had become very good about covering any details that might be too grotesque for myself or others to hear but not enough that it was an uneventful conversation. 

As we walked the streets, everything felt normal, or at least a normal that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Leaves fell from trees stuck in concrete. Blowing wind would sometimes whip Illumi’s hair into his or my face. It gave us a chuckle as he tried to smooth out the strands before the wind would take it again. 

Finally, he had arrived. He took me to the edge of a park maintained by the city. “The park?” I questioned.

“This is a first date. I thought a picnic in the central park would be lovely today.” Illumi walked me to a small hill where there was a blanket spread out. A small picnic basket lay at one corner and a few weights at the others so that the blanket wouldn’t fly away. 

“How did you keep this here without anyone to take it?” I asked as he motioned for me to take a seat. I do and Illumi follows me. The blanket seemed a little small for his large legs. 

He turned his head to look in the direction behind me. I looked too only to see Kalluto giving Illumi a small nod. “I promised him that I would take good care of you in exchange for making sure nobody took my spot.”

“Kalluto did say that he wanted another sister,” I chuckle. Illumi reached for the picnic basket only to pull out two glasses and a bottle of champagne. “I see you must’ve gotten someone else’s help too.” I distinctly remembered Machi asking me about my favorite champagne a few weeks back. She played it off as a getting well present that the Troupe was going to send me once I was off my medication. I should’ve known better when I was cleared a week ago and she hadn’t brought it over when she had come to see me. 

Illumi pulled out the wine cork and poured us each a glass. “I had to make a good first impression to make up for any lost time. And terrible mistakes.” He handed me my glass and I took a sip. It was absolutely divine. While it wasn’t the one I had specifically said, it seemed to be a more expensive version of the same type.

“You’re doing a great job so far,” I say. I go to reach for what else could be in the basket but Illumi pulls it away. “Not yet. Be patient,” he says. I roll my eyes as he places the basket down on the other side of him. 

“I can still reach it,” I say.

“I know. But let me treat you today. You shouldn’t have to do any work.”

“A little archaic, don’t you think?” My comment must’ve plagued his confidence as he went to reach for the basket. “You’re fine, Illumi.” I took another sip of my drink before moving myself to sit where the basket was before, right next to him. 

Illumi looks down to me as I look up to him. A hint of red appears on his cheeks before he goes back to the basket. “I did ask your friend about what you wanted to eat. I was thinking roasted duck but Machi said that was too formal; so I bought sandwiches from the deli down the road. She said they were your favorite.” 

He pulls out two saran wrapped sandwiches and hands one to me. “You mean Chris’ Deli?” I ask while opening the packaging. 

“Yes that is the one,” he says while unwrapping his own. “Did know what to order for myself as that is normally what the butler’s do for me. So I got the same as yours.”

“You’re going to love it!” I say while taking a bite. Truly, it tasted like heaven. Machi knew me well enough to know how much I enjoyed these sandwiches. “They’re the best in all York New. I always tried to get Machi or anyone to join me to get them in the city. You’re the first to actually take me up on that offer.”

A smile crossed Illumi’s face as he took a bite from his own. I waited in bated anticipation for his response. It took him a few more bites to decide if he liked it or not. “It’s pretty decent.”

“I’ll accept that as praise from someone who grew up rich,” I say while taking a few more bites of my own. Soon, I had finished my sandwich. “You really did think of this full date to be about me. I know you’d never eat at a park if you got to choose the date.”

“I wanted to see you outside,” Illumi said before taking another bite. “You never got a chance to be in nature when I knew you. I find nature comforting. I had always pictured bringing my significant other to a garden on our first date. Since gardens are hard to find in York New, this was the closest thing I could find.”

“I never knew you liked gardens,” I said while putting the trash into the basket. 

Illumi finished his food and took a sip of the champagne before responding. “Yes. I would always walk outside when I was younger. Now I try to find a garden in any city I go to. It’s been a ritual. It keeps me grounded to the world.”

When Illumi looked back at me, I could feel my face flush once again. I finish up my drink. Illumi goes to pour me more but I stop him. “I shouldn’t over do it. It tastes lovely and I’ll have more later.” I place my glass down and lie back onto the blanket. 

Illumi tilts his head in confusion. “What are you looking at?”

“The clouds. Care to join me?” I pat the space next to me. The raven-haired man seemed confused at first before following my instruction. He took great care of his hair before lying down beside me. Our arms touched as I pointed out each cloud. It took awhile before Illumi understood the game. Sometimes it felt like teaching a child new ways to entertain themselves. 

We laid like that for a long time. We stayed staring at the sky ahead of us. We would catch each other’s eyes at some points as we would stop to look at each other. More times than not, I would catch him looking at me rather than the sky. 

“That cloud looks beautiful,” I would comment. Illumi would respond “yes” only for me to turn and see he was looking at me the whole time. 

“You’re supposed to look at the sky,” I would joke. 

“I’d much rather look at my world,” he said. My heart would melt at every compliment that passed through his lips. The sky started to turn a few more colors before we finally decided to sit up. The breeze caught me and I shivered. Illumi took off his jacket and offered it to me. 

“I can’t accept that,” I said.

“I can withstand the cold,” he said before putting it over my shoulders. I inched closer to him and put my head on his chest while his arm wrapped tightly around me. 

“Do you have anything else planned?”

“I do,” he responds. “But it’s not time for it yet. It needs to get a little bit darker before we can go.” We lock eyes once again. This time felt different. There was an unspoken truth as we both leaned in to kiss each other. Our lips met and it felt like everything fell into place. 

The kiss was sweet and short. We were testing the waters before jumping in fully. “I missed doing that,” he whispered before moving the hair out of my face and following the first kiss up with another. Then another. And another. 

We both must’ve tasted like alcohol because each touch of our lips felt more intoxicating than the next. We only stopped when we could hear some children commenting on the two adults making out. I chuckled while pulling away. “I missed it too. Except this feels more genuine,” I mutter before giving him one last kiss. 

The sun was in the middle of setting as we packed up the rest of our basket. “Where are we going now?” I questioned as Illumi helped me up. He picked up the basket while holding onto my hand tightly. 

“I have to drop off the basket first but it won’t be long.” We walked through the rest of the park. Kalluto was waiting by the exit to take the basket.

“Don’t tell me that he has been waiting this entire time,” I comment. 

“No. My brother texted me about twenty minutes ago.” Kalluto was always quick to the point. He disappeared as quickly as he appeared. 

Our next destination seemed a bit more obscure. It was completely dark as Illumi took me to a place that seemed to be a plain boardwalk. There were a few lights that lit up this strip of wood. A speaker played soft piano music. A few couples were dancing together while holding each other like the world would collapse if they let go. 

“You brought me to dance?” I questioned. Illumi took me onto the platform. Hanging lights twinkled in the night. The stars seemed to become brighter when we walked onto this stage. 

“Yes. Is that alright?” he asked before pulling me in to dance like the other couples. My head went to his chest as he wrapped himself tightly around my waist and my arms around his neck. 

“It’s perfect,” I mumble. I could feel his heart beating to the music. When we would accidentally lock eyes, I would hear the beat increase rapidly. Illumi could keep a calm face on the outside but his heart didn’t lie. He was terrified just like myself. 

We swayed back and forth to the music. Neither of us were exceedingly excellent at it but it didn’t matter. As long as I was wrapped tightly in Illumi’s arms, everything was going to be alright. Illumi held me as if I would disappear if he let me go. 

Illumi whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he danced around the stage. They were all about how beautiful, kind, and sweet I was. How glad he was to have me back. How much he couldn’t lose me. How he would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for the terror he’s done to me. 

After many, many compliments, I decided to stop him. I pulled away a bit to look up at him. “Illumi, do you really love me?”

“Yes. With everything I have. I have never felt such a strong pull as yours. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were special to me. I wish you could’ve figured it out in your own time.”

A smile crossed my face as I kissed him. “I wish you would’ve gone up to me at the bar. If we could’ve not done mind games for a full year and had this, then I would’ve fell for you so much faster.”

“I wasn’t ready then. I needed someone to teach me that I was wrong. I needed you before all this.”

“I do wish I never went on this whole journey with you. It would’ve saved me money on therapy appointments.” Illumi looked away from me to some other place in the sky. “However, I am glad for the journey. I doubt I would have picked you but I was also superficial. I found you. You hunted me down but I had to break you.”

“You’re my everything,” he muttered before kissing me once again, a soft sensual kiss that told the emotions deep within his broken heart. “I love you.” He places his forehead on mine as the final notes of the song finished. 

“I guess they’re kicking us out,” I said while looking at how most of the couples were long gone. “I lost track of time.”

“It’s okay,” he said while pulling away. “Let me walk you to your apartment.” 

The walk back was much quieter than the walk to the park. We stayed in our love-filled bubble as both of us talked without speaking. Illumi would rub my hand while we were walking and I did it to him too. It was our secret messages back and forth. 

Sooner than I wanted, we got back to my apartment. I turned to face Illumi. Since this was his only day off for awhile, I didn’t know the next time I would see him. I gave him back his jacket. Before putting it back on, he placed his hand on my cheek and leaned down to kiss me. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“This was an amazing date,” I said before returning the kiss. “Good night to you too, Illumi.” He watched as I walked up the few stairs to my door. I opened the door and looked back at him. I stepped into the entryway before turning around and opening the door back up. “Illumi,” I called. He had already started to walk away. “How about you come stay the night? I wouldn’t want you to stay at a hotel.”

Illumi, at first, shook his head. “I need to get back. I have an early flight tomorrow.”

I walk down the stairs until I am face to face with him again. “I don’t think you understand,” I whisper. “Come upstairs with me.”

The blush from earlier returns to his cheeks. “No. I don’t think-”

“Illumi,” I say a little more forcefully. “You can come to my apartment. It’s okay. I’m telling you it's okay. If you don’t want to do anything then all I want is for you to hold me all night.”

“Then I’ll join you,” he said, finally agreeing. Usually the stairs feel forever long if I was coming home this late at night. This time, they felt so quick. I open up my apartment and pull Illumi inside before locking it. 

My lips found his, instantly. These kisses felt much different than the ones we shared throughout the rest of the night. These felt more fiery and force like the feeling before a tidal wave. His arms grabbed my waist and picked me up. To balance, mine wrapped tightly around his neck. 

“Are you sure about this?” Illumi questioned while kissing down my neck. The softness of his lips mixed with his hot breath sent a shiver down my back. 

“Yes,” I mutter before pulling his lips back to my own. Our tongues danced against each other better than we ever did. 

Illumi carried me to the bedroom without breaking stride. We did run into the door frame once which we laughed off before continuing our search of each other. Illumi placed me down on the bed before saying “you can say stop at any time.”

“I would’ve said it already if I didn’t want it tonight,” I muttered before climbing back further onto the bed. I was the first person to undress the other one. I took off the sweater that looked so nice on him. What was underneath was much better. My hands traveled up and down his abs as Illumi found my neck once again. 

“The doctor gave you the okay, right?” he asked. I chuckled before finding my own spot to suck on and bite; his ear. A soft groan fell from his lips. “Yes,” I whispered while continuing to attack his ear and then his neck. 

Illumi’s breath became heavier and hushier as he started to remove my clothes. I could sense his nervousness as his hands shook from the buttons. I placed my hand on his face before kissing him softly. “It’s okay. Do you want to stop?”

He looked up from undoing my top. “No. Never.” Illumi still seemed shaky so I helped him take off some of my clothes. Once I was just in my underwear, Illumi went to hover his hand over the spot where my surgery was done. There was still gauze that covered the wound even though it didn’t hurt anymore. “I-I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

I take his hand and move it away. “You’re alright. I’m alright, Everything’s alright.” I kiss him softly yet passionately. A smile crossed both of our faces. “Wait, let me light a candle.” I use some of my Nen to set a small flame in my hand then name it fly to a candle I have on the dresser. 

Illumi shook his head before going back to undressing and kissing me. “You’re trying to show off,” he muttered. 

“Yes,” I said while trying to reach his pants. I managed to get the belt off but had to have Illumi help me get the rest of the way. Soon, we were both naked. My hand still rubbed up and down his bare chest. He explored my chest and neck with his lips. 

A single finger traced up from my legs to my pussy. It danced over the slit before sliding all the way in. A small groan fell from my lips as he pumped his long finger inside of me. He was slow at first while kissing his way down every inch of my body. Illumi was slow and where his lips touched felt cold when he was gone. 

Illumi’s tongue reached out to lick a strip across my clit. My body reacted by leaning into his touch. “Shit, Illumi,” I groan as he continues his pursuit. His tongue spelling random words while his fingers pick up speed. My hands dig into his hair while coaxing him to continue. 

An orgasm on the brink. Every nerve in my body cried out for more. “Lumi,” I cry inbetween thick breaths and whining. His response was to speed up his attack and I fell over. My body shook with pleasure coursing through my nerves. His name is only on my tongue. 

I look back at him once the tremors stop to see that he is licking some of my juice off of his fingers. “You must’ve enjoyed that,” he says. My breath had yet to catch up so I only nodded. “I’m going to try and go slow but I can’t keep any promises.”

His words were followed by him kissing me once again. The soft kisses only  found in the one you love. I could taste myself on his tongue.Illumi didn’t break the kiss as he lined up. His member was so stiff and aching that he grunted when entering me. 

“I forgot how good you feel,” he mumbled against my lips. He went slow. Agonisingly slow for my taste. 

“Faster,” I groan while gripping onto his back. “Please Lumi.”

Illumi chuckled while moving a little faster. “I also forgot how whiny you get when you don’t get your way.”

I was going to respond in annoyance when Illumi suddenly picked up speed and depth. He was fast and accurate at hitting every spot needed to start chasing my orgasm once again. Praises and curses flooded by lips. 

Soon I could feel the build up once again. “D-don’t stop,” I moan out. 

“Didn’t plan on it, baby,” he grunted while continuing the same speed. My body reached first by falling over. Soon, Illumi’s did too. His orgasm caught him off guard because he bit my shoulder to stifle a moan. 

All that was left was our heavy breathing as we finally took into consideration what happened. Illumi’s eyes locked onto mine before he kissed my swollen lips. “I love you.” he muttered.

“I love you too,” I said back before kissing him again. I finally felt like I knew where we both belonged: with each other.

#smut #illumi zoldyck #illumi #illumi x reader #illumi x y/n #HunterXHunter #hxh #a hunter's prey

[crystalsmentalhealth]

Things You Should and Shouldn’t Bring to A Psychiatric Hospital

Going to a psychiatric hospital is stressful and traumatic enough, searching through Google to try and figure out what to bring and what not to bring is just an added stressor to an already stressful situation. So, I, a veteran of psychiatric hospitals, am here to help. As with most situations, your mileage may vary in regards to the psychiatric hospital that you go to, but this is a basic list of things that most psychiatric hospitals allow and don’t allow.

Do Bring

1. At least three changes of clothes with no drawstrings or loose strings. Make sure they’re comfortable. If you’re a female, I suggest yoga pants or leggings and comfy shirts. No underwire bras will be allowed, so bring your sports bras. If you’re a male, bring t-shirts and sweatpants, you’ll be more comfortable and why not make yourself as comfortable as possible in one of the most uncomfortable situations? Bring several pairs of socks and a long-sleeved hoodie or jacket with the drawstring pulled out, even if it’s summer, because some room will be freezing. Also bring a couple of pairs of pajamas. Some hospitals don’t care if you wear your jammies all day long and some require that you dress for the day.

2. Paperback books. You will get bored. If you like to read bring a couple of paperback books.

3. Paperback puzzle books. Like Sudoku, word searches, and cross-word puzzles. 

4. A composition notebook. Those ugly black and white marbled notebooks with no wire binding. You can use it to journal, write notes, reminders, medication changes, ‘homework assignments’ that your doctor or social worker give you, poetry, or anything you need to jot down. 

5. Coloring books. If you like to color. It can be simple kids colorings, or the more advanced adult coloring books. 

6. If you’re a person who menstruates, then, if you have period panties, bring them if there’s a chance that you’ll start your cycle while in the hospital. From personal experience the feminine hygiene items that are available in the hospital are just cardboard applicator regular tampons and bulky maxi pads. I believe that Always makes disposable period panties that you can find in most Wal-Marts, or you can buy from Everie Woman, Joyja, Ruby Love, and many other online retailers. (No affiliation or money made from that advertisement.)

7. A list of your medications. You are going to be nervous and stressed and will forget something. Even if you’ve quit taking your meds, bring a list of what you’re supposed to take.

8. A list of important phone numbers. Friends, family, your doctor, therapist, social worker, case worker, anybody you or they may need to contact.

Do Not Bring

1. Anything with strings. This can be drawstrings or pants with ripped knees or stringy hemlines at the ankles. This also includes shoelaces. Bring slip-ons or shoes with Velcro fasteners or do what I did and just go around in your socks. 

2. Hardback books. Security will keep them or put them in a contraband room. Either way you won’t be allowed to have them.

3. Pens or pencils. The nurses station will usually have little bendy pens or harmless golf pencils that you can use (or both in some hospitals.)

4. Markers, coloring crayons, or coloring pencils. They’ll usually have these on the unit, so it makes zero sense, but most hospitals won’t let you have them anyway.

5. Razors/electric shavers. Razors won’t be allowed period, but some hospitals will have a shaver that you can borrow. Or, if they do allow razors, you’ll have to be watched closely while you use it.

6. Feminine hygiene products. It sucks, but they won’t allow you to have your own. Why it’s so different from what they give you, I don’t know, but there you have it.

7. Cigarettes, cigars, vaping equipment. They’ll give you nicotine patches or nicotine gum if you’re a smoker, but you won’t be allowed to smoke.

8. Your mileage may really vary here, but most hospitals won’t allow you to bring snacks or food or drinks of any kind, and definitely not if they’re in glass or open packages. Some hospitals will allow visitors to bring you closed packages of snacks, but don’t bet on it.

9. Your medications. Exceptions include antibiotics, vitamins (some hospitals will let you have your multivitamin), or special medications that your pharmacy usually has to order. For example, if you are on the diabetes medication Ozempic, bring it, they won’t have it and probably won’t be able to get it. If you are on the diabetes medication Metformin, leave it, it’s super easy to get and a very common medication. 

10. Cash. If you do bring it it’ll be kept safe in a safe in security, but it’s best not to bring it.

11. Your cell phone. With very, very few exceptions you won’t be allowed to have it. If you do bring it, and most people do, it’ll be kept either in security or a contraband room. You may be allowed to access it long enough to get a phone number out of your contacts, but you won’t be allowed to make a phone call or send a text.

12. Sharps. Don’t even think about trying to bring anything sharp. No needles, no syringes, no broken glass, no razor blades. They will find it and they will take it. End of story. Don’t think you can hide it in your shoes or bra either. Many hospitals will make you totally strip and change into a gown and hospital pants so that security can go through every inch of what you were wearing. I hope that included clean underpants!

13. Stuffed animals/your own pillow/blanket. Even if it’s your comfort item that you can’t sleep without, they’re probably not going to let you have it.

What the Hospital Will Supply

1. Your meals. You may or may not get a choice in what you eat, but regardless you will be fed. If you are having trouble eating and your doctor or nutritionist orders it, you may be given Ensure or Glucerna to supplement your meals.

2. Snacks and drinks. Most hospitals will have healthy snacks available as well as water, juice, coffee, and milk. Don’t expect regular coffee after 1pm though. They switch to decaf then.

3. Feminine hygiene products. They’ll be cardboard applicator, regular size tampons (which stinks if you have a particularly heavy flow and is why I suggest you invest in two or three pairs of period panties if you know you’ll be in a psychiatric hospital at some point, or even if you won’t, the right ones are awesome.) and bulky maxi pads that feel like a diaper. The hospital may also have disposable adult diapers if you have problems with incontinence or can’t get period panties and their supplies just aren’t enough and you’re worried about leaks. 

4. Markers and crayons. Chances are they’ll have them on the unit for you and everybody else to share. Be nice and put the caps back on.

5. Bendy pens or short stubby pencils. The bendy pens take a little getting used to but they’re better than the pencils.

6. Toothbrushes, combs, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo, body wash, conditioner, towels, and wash cloths. The towels and wash cloths feel like sandpaper, but, yeah, they have them.

7. Laundry services. Whether they let you do it yourself or they do it in the middle of the night, almost all hospitals will have a washer and dryer for patient use. Expect to go home with at least one less sock than what you came with.

8. Your medications. The hospital will give you all your medications. Even the ones that aren’t for psychiatric use.

9. Phones. I’ve seen some lists that say you need to bring a phone card to use, but I’ve never been in a hospital that has actual pay phones. I’ve always been allowed to use the phone for long distance calls with no problem. If your specific hospital says bring a phone card, then do, but chances are you won’t need it.

If You’re Lucky, Your Hospital Might Offer

1. Weighted blankets. These things are awesome for anxiety.

2. Wireless Headphones with different music chips. Classical, pop, rock, hip-hop, whatever your jam is.

3. Safety laces. Walking around with no laces in your shoes is annoying.

4. Spare clothes. If you came in with just the clothes on your back and you need to do laundry many hospitals will have spare clothes.

5. Weak little ponytail holders. You can’t do any damage with them, but they’ll certainly damage your hair, so beware.

6. Sensory Candy. Sour for alerting. Hot and spicy for focus. Chewy fruit chews for soothing anxiety.

7. Stress balls. Squeeze!

8. 10 minutes of cell phone time at the top of each hour. I’ve been in several different psych hospitals and only one has allowed this, so don’t get your hopes up.

So, it’s a fairly exhaustive list, but probably not totally complete and as I said from the beginning your experiences may vary from hospital to hospital. I’ve been in some really bad hospitals and some really good ones, but the things to bring and not to bring seems to be about the same.

#mental health #psychiatric #hospital #psychiatric hospital

[aconstantstateofbladerunner]

Complete Butterfly Outline

Howdy friends.  The following is the complete chapter by chapter outline for Butterfly.  Now that the fic is finished and some people want to see it, I figured there was no harm in sharing.  Maybe this will help some of you better your own outline process.  Note that not everything that appears here made it into the fic, and some things that did don’t appear in this outline.  Some events are also in different order due to me changing my mind during the actual writing.  Feel free to ask me questions about those discrepancies or anything else.  Please enjoy!

Butterfly

The first over-night trip off campus since the training camp is supposed to be a break from anxiety.  But between concerns of history repeating itself, a major research project, and a bleak introduction to chaos theory, Izuku has too much on his mind to properly enjoy the fresh air.  But those worries are a light breeze compared to the thunderstorm that accompanies what he finds on the outskirts of town.  Or rather, what finds him.

1. Chaos Theory -thankful -comic book assignments -sound of thunder -butterfly effect -field trip

2. Yakku -bus ride -small town hero work -interject about butterfly -Cheat-A demonstration -talk with all might

3. Small time -community engagement -reports of stolen food -first day tour and fun, photos with fans -heat lightning -second day early morning patrols -groups: Sero, Toruu, Deku with hero -different route than normal -bullies, can’t threaten with quirk, but has his body -investigate diner -dead bodies

4. Let’s Talk About Anything Else -deku falls back on a table -kitchen covered in blood and black feathers -body: slash across stomach and eyes, other exposed shoulder blades -three form a perimeter while hero investigates -backup arrives, kids dismissed -hug -might have gotten there sooner had they taken a different road -statements and debriefs -return to hotel, can’t eat -hang out in room, read to pass time -talk about comic projects -nightfall’s, others return -Momo makes plushies -animal jokes -can’t sleep

5. The First Rung of the Spiral -third day, more patrols -stolen food in the night -seminar “That was... definitely higher than in practice.”  “Oh good, it wasn’t just me.” -feels like a warm hug, full body feeling of when all might ruffles his hair -“this is mine.  This is me.” -izuku gets through but get sick afterwards from anxiety -secret lake, something in the distance, canceled -watahashi - cross bridge -hibiki - echo -takuya - open also -dead deer -sleep on bus by All might, anxiety subsides

6. Nothing is Okay -week passes -Tsuyu dreams of drowning, talks to Deku -anxiety returns with a vengeance -occasional intense back pain -counseling with hound dog, recommends something from home -pissed that they didn’t receive immediate grief counseling -speak with recovery girl about pain, nothing physically wrong -prescribes a sleep aid, anxiety meds left open -return to dorm to find his leftovers missing

7. Part of the Job -training: escort -dread and erased quirk -deku’s team loses fake civilian -takes it hard -stays later to talk to Aizawa -more complaints about missing food -Mineta brings thank you gift, gourmet popcorn -pain hasn’t stopped -return for movie night: Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths -brief talk with iida -if we were to meet ourselves, we wouldn’t recognize ourselves -“saying the same thing over and over isn’t exactly helping either.” -deku can’t sleep, returns to his own bed

8. Yakku’s Finest -small town investigation inconclusive, murderer remains at large but reports of stolen food have stopped -diner money left untouched but larder picked clean -blood set, attacked in the night -quirk discussion, vague, strained relationship, -teleported in from somewhere, teleported away -DNA testing to be done on feathers “Did you ever go to investigate the houses with stolen food?  When was the last instance reported?”  “Four days after the murder.”  “How far back can your quirk see?”  “One day.”  “How many days has it been?”

9. Dread -awake from pain -reading news updates -school forum rumors about stolen food

10. The Mind Killer -earthquake rescue training -keep notes on others to make up credit -dread not as bad -still has brace, sleepy and sick from concussion -pretends to be better -argument after almost throwing up -getting late -all might was never able to find his all star Superman trade reading online -picnic table with mirio, suneater, and eri -babysitters -talk about projects, mirio did shadow cat and suneater did animal man -brings up Superman’s suneater -all might approaches, chastises him for staring at a screen while he has a concussion, offers Superman trade instead -discuss the fall -what’s one more scar? -“why didn’t you tell me?” -“I don’t know” -“you could have been killed.” -dread tells him he only cares for one for all -phone call -mom going out of town -izuku lies -banging down the hall -getting closer -deku hides behind door -thing hesitates in his room, goes to door -wing claw and eye reveal -calls for help, thing vanishes -no evidence -“I felt it breathe on me.” -most don’t believe him

11. Ache -hospital -nothing wrong -can’t enjoy getting the brace off -another little scar -recoverygirl argues with nurse -all might arrives with stuff -tells izuku to call his mom -confesses to illness -schedule specialist appointment -nothing on cameras -explain Midoriyas condition -compare notes with Jakku -all might calls Gran Torino about izuku’s symptoms -aoyama thinks about Midoriya during earthquake simulation -others ask about the seizure but he doesn’t have answers -put together a card and nice dinner to welcome him back -try to make food himself -update from Aizawa : Midoriya coming back, tired, don’t bother him -izuku breezes past everyone, uraraka follows -has an attack on the stairs -never happened before -retreats to room, leaving uraraka behind

12. From the Outside -bakugo dreams of the sludge villain -sees deku in the crowd, yelling sorry -wakes up, goes to bathroom -finds a black feather, thinks it’s a prank -realizes he would have done the same thing back in middle school -destroys it (invisibitch) -thinks he’s being merciful -izuku keeps thinking he sees the creature out of the corner of his eyes -pain comes randomly -can’t sleep -anticipation of pain keeps him awake -rubbing against ribs -move up appointment -talk with midnight -fanmail activity -“I am the American father waiting on the porch with a shotgun for whatever pathetic excuse for a date is gonna try and take my little angels to the prom.” -wants to hug him, he hates hugs -“I can only do so much” “so much is better than nothing” -rumors of people suddenly unable to use their quirks -might be an illness or one for all hurting him -gives in to anxiety medication -needs to get in contact with a specialist for nerve damage -takes up hound dogs suggestion of something from home

13. Nostalgia For The Future -deku goes home for a plushie, brings todoroki -mom isn’t home -todoroki likes his house, feels small but full -nothing about his dad -“would being his son make his obsession more or less weird?” -declares intent to become a hoarder -confesses to dream about losing his quirk and father hurting him for it -Despite recent trauma, deku hasn’t dreamt at all -swaps a book from all might for one of mom’s -nerve specialist, dendrite -rash -“as a fan I was impressed, but the doctor in me couldn’t help but cringe”. “See?  He gets it.” -neurotoxin as anesthetic (but why) -all might watches procedure -“the scene brings to mind ritual sacrifices from old movies” -maybe attacked during procedure, mess with vitals and life support -chemical evidence that izuku’s brain is firing off pain response -common fixation in young empaths, recreate perceived trauma in themselves -“was there?”  “...I could see bones poking out...” -basic testing comes up negative -“When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses not zebras”. Here we have a zebra -someone is using an empathy quirk on him -someone ate his leftovers -old all might plushie pats bunny -he was so done.  So done, that as he laid down to make a futile effort at sleep, it crossed his mind that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to never wake up. -izuku did wake up; to see Mini-him standing on the ground with a hole in his chest and a slash across his eyes. -wake up to bunny plushy with tears that mirror original victims

14. The Rolling Thing With Wings -Aoyama saw it this time -“Midoriya’s villain is real”, -something is for sure on campus -Aizawa and other teachers immediately go out and search -cold rain -lights catch black feathered mass that rolls away -Aizawa can’t get a good look -thing tries to flee but keeps getting cut off -uses dread quirk, flattens teachers -finally sees it, it cancels his quirk before he can -vanishes -hound dog smells izuku -back to dorm, all might and students comforting izuku -plushie remains the same but camera footage shows nothing -Aizawa and izuku compare dread effects -realizes it may go after his mom

15. Bittersweet Release -Inko arrives at mustafu train station early in the morning -phone call from Aizawa telling her not to go home -wait to be escorted by heroes -calls izuku, he confesses to what’s been going on -doesn’t want to risk putting her in the line of fire -kids spend the nights in the dorm shelter -“The villain was able to hover right over Midoriya’s bed while he slept.  Any one of those nights he could have killed him.  And since we didn’t have any evidence, we assumed he was having nightmares like everyone else.  Do you understand the gravity of what your inaction could have brought on?” -discussion of feelings with hound dog -apologies for doubt -rejoin students -news, villain warning issued -connections to missing food -anyone paying attention could figure out victim is izuku -harsh criticism of UA -izuku elects to take responsibility -hound dog leaves for meeting

16. Table Scraps -hound dog comes in late, cloth tied around mouth in place of muzzle -villain smelled like Midoriya, that close -teachers check security, limited evidence, suggest a quirk that can reverse/move outside of time -connection to missing food -Noumu theory is proposed due to multiple quirks and black appearance -all for one still in prison, twice? -similar to Yakku, get in contact -pathfinder shows map of trails -only found perimeter -entered town to chase the bus -villain seemed to stop existing -one missing quirk: night vision -meanwhile, pro heroes patrolling near apartment -“oh please.  All mights had a kid at UA since my parents were in school.” -spot a figure go up the stairs and enter with a key/silhouette in the window -nobody from the family is supposed to be nearby -go inside and confront the middle school-aged boy, mass under shirt -find him wandering the house, ignoring them -introduce themselves -he goes to sit on the main bed, eating, heroes angry -“waiting” “for who?” “My family” -“my house” -“NO”

17. Voight-Kompff -stitches out -out running for the first time in weeks -one for all makes him feel whole, pictures the previous users welcoming him back into their embrace -breath deeper -“this is mine.  This is me.” -“izuku wasn’t a spiteful person.  Not at all.  He got angry at villains for hurting people, yes, but he couldn’t recall at time where it felt personal.  So it came as a bit of a shock when he found himself pondering if the villain’s wings were hollow, like in birds.  They would break easier that way.” -“hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that.  But knowing his luck, he’d treat it like an inevitable.” -full cowl practice interrupted -“once it’s gone I can be with mom.” -medical exam with officers present -increase in students asking for sleep aids -izuku called back again, this time with teachers -karma for complaining about uraraka -gives back minihim -2 heroes murdered in his apartment the previous evening -it isn’t the artificial dread, it’s real -Like before: no security footage, food stolen, wiped search history, this time it seems clothes and personals were also stolen -“quirkless virus” show similar symptoms as victims of all for one -some have different quirks than before, usually minor -most are regular civilians, no hero, cop, or medical staff until murders -murder of diner owners still unclear -pattern, no pain on nights food is stolen -stealth quirks, likely to make another attack -DNA of feathers came back -same as izuku

18. Powder Keg -toga told to investigate league contact -warehouse trashed, dead everywhere -“Oh, yeah, no, they’re dead.  And whoever did it was super sloppy.” “Hang on, Dabs, I’m getting another call.” -answers dead guy’s phone -“how did I ever survive without the preserve jars?” -rumors of someone who broke into UA by themselves, after Izuku -elects to investigate -Superman presentation -outside heroes on campus -Outfield, izuku debates talking to him -unsure if they know the dna connection -calls mom, asks about family -we didn’t want you to feel like you were being replaced -class exercise, warned not to push it -izuku does something during exercise that spooks outfield -sleep in shelter past three nights -villain warning issued -other students don’t know about Izuku’s DNA -sleep in shifts -all might stays close -tries to text mom good night, signal can’t get through the concrete -eri is there, tries to cheer him up “Zawa said there’s a bad guy after you.” “She’s your biggest fan.”  “She might have to fight Kota for that.” -tells her she should go somewhere else since the bad guy is targeting him -she’s having none of it -later, eri and all might asleep on either side of him -keeps an eye on the door -hears sato’s phone buzz, he waves him off to signal his shift is over -lays back, tries to relax -sudden tightness in chest, opens eyes to see the other one standing on the ceiling directly above him

19. Fish in a Barrel -Aizawa realizes its a set up -the other one tries to stab him with the wing spike, eyes glowing red to erase his quick -rolls to cover eri and calls to the others -hits him in the head, disabling quirk -takes out lights -everyone tries to go for him, easily thrown back -slashed across multiple chests -the other tries to go for the door, todoroki freezes it -the other burns and breaks it down, vanishes -chase with bakugo, find toga -“my dad could breath fire” -teacher question how it could have gotten in with so many standing guard -it must have come in with them -mislead the heroes -comfort eri -wounds tended to -Tooru seriously hurt, crying, outlined by blood -idea floated to move izuku somewhere else -toga found wounded at the edge of campus

20. Walk Without Rhythm -“you’re sending me away?” -talk about moving izuku to protect the others -say goodbye outside, the want to lure it -switch trains last minute -dread fades -Aizawa says goodbye -appearance change -tooru wake up in hospital with parents -They met all might, other kids here and awake -tiger comes in with brace, izuku broke his shoulder -all might went back to help -discuss, don’t think the nomu was intentionally hurting them -tell that to midoriya -what are they doing with him -encounters old bullies who act like fans -Aizawa back with the others, discuss -public place.  Hundreds of people. Broad. Fucking. Daylight. -pathfinder there, nomu was inside for hours, quirk that displaces itself -nomu is intelligent, understands aizawa -only superfans and former students know him -izuku mentioned his father was as much of a fan -toga unresponsive -maybe move him to another safe house, evidence that the other is locating quirks through police records, he’s gotten through most defenses -victims have minor records -mom moved around too, discouraged from contacting her -better to hide, all might’s house -end of the day, tired and sweaty -brush appearance change out of his hair, hug -it’s the first time all day he’s felt like a person -“I’m sorry I left you behind”

21. All in All -izuku stays up late to call his dad -argue about timing -“sorry I didn’t call.  I wasn’t sure of your schedule in this mess and I didn’t want to bug you. “Sure” -mostly unaware of what’s happening, mom told them to talk -changes the subject to the Jakku seminar, tries to relate to quirk hurting him -thinks his dad only likes him for his quirk -“you can’t keep crying like this every time you’re stressed.  Youre sixteen, way to old to be crying like this.  You’re a hero.  Villains aren’t going to wait for you to get yourself together.” -“look, if you’re not gonna be invested in the conversation, maybe you should hang up, and we can talk later, ‘Kay?” -Skype call with Toga -managed to talk to it briefly, voice changer -the villain didn’t like her, in denial -said he would fix it -crusty and gross, waste of a healing factor -deku-kun is here, isn’t he? -tells jokes to distract from Dad -all might’s in specialty housing for tall quirks, modestly decorated with comic merch and newspapers -device to hide his life signs -fanart from Young Izuku on the fridge, bought the magnets just to put it up -old classmates posting about him online, he’s a cool hero -forum trolls, could probably take them -“I thought you were supposed to be discouraging me from picking fights with villain’s every other month.” “Oh hey look at that, you made a quip” -talk about feelings ⁃ is my rambling annoying, endearing -“it’s okay to still be upset, you know.  You don’t have to move on right away.” -year newspaper -butterfly returns to U.A., breaks window, noises, squeezes through naked -students pretend to sleep, half in costume -it passes over them

22. Idle Imprisonment -day 2, report comes in, three critically wounded policemen not far from u.a. -izuku does class work ⁃ all Might pins points on a map, far off -day 3, more reports of missing and mismatched quirks: tracking and radar -day four: 4 civilians and 1 hero murdered, several others injured -feathers through the eyes -mt lady back in action -izuku can’t take it, wants to go out and confront butterfly -massive argument with all might, hides in room again -“cabin fever!?” -all might figures he’ll try to sneak out, overhears him struggle, his windows don’t open

23. It Matters -later that night, all might offers dinner, goes to watch tv -izuku slinks out and eats with him on the couch -“think I don’t know how it feels?  To be stuck inside safe while the thing that hurt you is running free to do more harm?” -“I miss it sometimes, but I get to spend more time with you” “I’m not worth it.” -“if it hadn’t hurt me, I might not have met you.  Either my time limit didn’t force me to hear you out or I might not have come back to mustafu at all.” -back and forth about izuku’s worth, “are you trying to convince me to be happy or regretful” -“ok, lets try this: what do you hate about me?” -“I hate that you don’t trust me.”  “And you constantly treat me like a little kid!  Hate that too!”  “You are a kid!” -“I want you to tell me one thing you don’t like about me.  As a person.”  “Why?”  “If I have to be honest about how I feel so do you.  You only ever say nice things.  You act like there’s nothing wrong with me but there is.  If you don’t tell me, I’ll have to keep guessing.”  “...  back in the shelter, after the villain attack...  that was the only time I’ve ever heard you truly laugh.” “...  that’s it?” -“I, I’m not a fan of how you talk about that video of my debut.” “But, But It was a great rescue-“  “It was awful,” he snapped.  Midoriya recoiled.  Good.  “It was so awful.  Hundreds of people died.  Most of the people I pulled to safety didn’t pull through.  I hear them screaming still in my dreams.  I hated every second of that night.  And I hate that you love it.”   -“That shot one shot, the one people plaster everywhere, of me coming over the ridge carrying a dozen people?  Half of them were already dead.” -“How did you even see that anyway?”  “Mom said the news was running a special for the twenty-five year anniversary...  I watched it with my dad...”  “and you would have been what?  Two, three?” -talk about debut -tells him about Nana and his childhood -hid from villain’s like this “I loved her like my mother.” “Did she love you as a son.” -“it doesn’t matter.” It does. -talks about how izuku is great -never initiated a hug before, what else could he do besides pull him closer? -“I hate yelling at you.  You’ve had too much of that in your life.  I just want you to be happy.” -“and I’m going to keep you here until you realize how much you matter” -caught between child and adult, wonder what he’d be like had he never influenced him -will the scars on his arm grow with him? -he wanted to just keep holding him, to make up for all the times he should have but didn’t. -carries him to bed -“I can walk.” “I want to carry you.” -he’s going to be okay.  He’ll grow up.  Conquer the world with his smile.  Be the unshakable pillar the world needs, all Might had no doubt.  But not tonight.  Someday, but not tonight.  Tonight, he is a small terrified child, separated from his family, and on the run from an unknown horror.  Tonight, he deserves a moment to be scared and sad, and be comforted. -life sign hider gone -prays he stays just this small forever -he’s like a son to him -he stays for a while after he falls asleep, just to be sure

24. The Other One -all might dreams of his death at the hands of all for one/wolfram -wakes up to alarm, needs to eat -izuku inspired him to keep living, gets up to check on him -remembers the dream theory, goes to check his fridge -closes it, butterfly is right there -smells him before he sees him -running down a list of ways to get a hit in, major blood vessel in the temple -“Hello” silence, “are you all might?” Ask about fighting the ‘same’ villain Beat him with the help of his student Butterfly gets angry, the other one -“he’s almost shocked to here a human voice come out of it...  a young voice.” Other what -comes into the light, more scar than skin -talks him down, reaches out to touch him -doesnt believe -same shoes, faded and frayed and falling apart, but the same -never one to talk down hostage/suicide -says his name -butterfly stunned, cries at the kind touch -hug -same eyes -he’s izuku again

Reveal post - https://lckhr.tumblr.com/post/175255988293/okay-villaindeku-is-so-popular-right-now-but

I want to add to this real quick because I just dug up my original notes I wrote at 2 am last summer when I first thought of this fic and it reminded me of some stuff. The world of My Hero Academia is set up in such a way that whatever bullshit power you can think of will probably fit.  A lot of superhero universes have that, but something about MHA makes it so much more pronounced.  Combine that with the idea of All for One, a quirk that lets the user wield an unknown number of powers, and there is some serious potential to absolutely abuse the setting. The idea was to create a lone villain that could perfectly counter everything thrown at it, to the point where it feels like a supernatural monster.  Security?  Quirk that prevents cameras and sensors from recording its image.  Evidence?  Quirk that rewinds time on displaced objects.  Witnesses?  Quirk that prevents people who are already asleep from waking up.

25. Butterfly: Origin -“as hard as he tried throughout his life, Toshinori knew he could never be Superman.” -“He wants to hurt your boy/ but he is my boy” -all might feeds him, too thin, still heavy -talks him into taking a bath while he makes him a warm meal -Texts his izuku to be silent and contact Naomasa -stolen possessions with his clothes, folding quirk, , flattening, sticker quirk -cries at the red shoes -butterfly comes back out, reveals wings -all might makes him a cutout shirt and sling for vestigial wings -its a cold night,hairdryer, hopefully izuku sees the opportunity -“he’s so gentle.  The boys arms are thinner than his.  It’s wrong.  He feels like any pressure greater than a brush will shatter bones.  He could break his fingers with a pinch.  But maybe he should.  This is a villain.  It tried to kill my boy.  But he is my boy.” -“did you ever fly?” “Once” -“it’s okay, you didn’t know.” -getting scolded for hurting himself is universal -so is being a chatterbox -considers Christmas present in the closet -tells him to lay down on the couch and watch tv -butterfly asks about one for all, consent -admits to killing Mirio -all might asks about all for one, vague backstory -noticed something was wrong after usj -“he said there was a time where there wasn’t a single child in Japan born without his permission.” “It was a mercy killing at that point.” -more time in a day, imprisoned for seemingly twice as long -drawn to yakku by picture of lodge that looks like apartments -“I heard someone say my name” -lie, offered to trade quirk, got in a drunken fight -has both parents quirks, implied to have killed Dad -wanted to scare his izuku into going home, no one was there, took it out -has mom’s quirk, “someone else lives there now.” -tried to find mom, “once he’s gone, I can be with mom.” -“I’m only hurting me. I’m not worth it -inter-dimensional quirk, -Inching closer to all might -you didn’t say that, the other you did -all might confronts him on his crimes, defense is that they started it -“you’re not right” -puts head in all might’s lap and moves his hand to his head -found izuku, jealous of his life, not sure what to do -realizes that izuku has one for all -“WHY” -describes the sludge villain incident -compare outcomes -butterfly gets upset, prepares to strike -all might says sorry

26. Bizarro -izuku listening in the whole time -attacks butterfly as he’s about to strike -wounds all might in the chest -butterfly screams accusations -brutal fight, bitten ear -izuku stands up to dread -ripped vestigial wings clean off -fight, flees at approach of heroes -wind and rain enter through broken window, mess up all mights hero shrine -izuku still feels like he has grime on his hands from the wing -its me -hospital, all might severely injured but stable -sneaks into room -stabbed where his lung used to be -“Did I ever apologize for saying you couldn’t be a hero?” -apologizes through tears for saying izuku can’t be a hero -sad hugs -tells nurse that he’s his son

27. Same -thinks butterfly is holding him -Aizawa says nurses told him all might was with his son, calls it inappropriate -hesitant to leave all might -please don’t take him from me -all might holds onto him for as long as he can -Aizawa wants to call them over dramatic, but this feels warranted -it’s me, i know -news from kids perspective -Sero -escorted everywhere, never alone -no way to tell what’s going on -wake up, check the news -need to confront butterfly -meeting in a moving vehicle -Pathfinder there, special sunglasses -how many were killed, lie -Butterfly’s notes, crinkled and overfilled, izuku can read them -addresses, quirks? -safe places, food,  Trying to find home -plan A, swan dive -he was trying to get me to kill myself -plan b, kidnap to other dimension and kill, pose as the same one having been tortured -what’s plan c? -more missing quirks and murders, offensive capabilities -pathfinder attacked, quirk stolen -team of heroes go over what they know about him -analysis of wing he ripped off -rapid nerve death, theorize that his healing quirk is killing him -why hasn’t it? Quirk preventing organ failure -once the body runs out of fat, it goes for muscle -after muscle, it goes for cardiac muscles -that’s what the dread is, empathy -perpetually on the brink of a heart attack -means they might be able to go all out against him -uses inter dimensional quirk to conceal movement -ask izuku what he could mean by the right quirk -memory alteration, body swap -all might Skyped in “You’ve been trying to clean up the mess the other you made, let me do the same.” -you didn’t fail, the other you did -how to restrict movement, only ever does it outside -shelters never built in his world -set a trap, need a place that doesn’t exist in butterfly’s world

28. The Net -go through the tunnels to the main shelter under the school -can’t discuss the plan Bakugou tries to ignore him and unpack his stuff Izuku flinches from contact -says goodbye to classmates I love you all, thanks for being my friend...  you have no idea what it’s meant to me -don’t talk like that, it makes it sound like you’re not coming back! -hugs -midnight cries -talk with Bakugou -shapeshifter butterfly -it’s a forced smile.  “Forced” is the only way to describe it yet if feels like it isn’t enough. -new bunker at UA -limited air conditioning -pathfinder walks him through messing with his quirk -i got your letter -did you know them?  They were good people -didn’t mean to be so harsh, people get hurt when you aren’t good enough -step outside briefly, the world is so much more vibrant without his quirk in the way -“it’s a tomb” “yeah.  Let’s make sure it’s not yours” -obvious trap, he won’t be enough -need bait -all might about to be discharged -agrees to stay as the casualties of the trap will be sent to the same location -inko enters, told to wait for her son there -got stolen stuff back -izukus first all might toy -talk with all might, maybe izuku’s Dad, left around the time he was quirkless -I want to push him forward, but also want to shield him from the world -welcome to parenthood -asked for blood drawn

29. You Shoot It -dream of deer in the woods, all turn to look at him together, one missing a face -toga disguised as izuku’s mom, distract him long enough to ceil the doors -no sign of butterfly -concern -butterfly enters by bending the door, an army of bugs -Izuku watches from another room, he’s a last resort -toga tries to convince him to stop fighting, can’t -something off -tries to stab him, nothing -turn around -cut to Aizawa -Bakugou seizing, that’s not Deku -“suit up” -strangled -fight -Cementoss seals the door -upgraded -pain sharing, metal feathers, ribbon skin, black bone, fero blood, wing spears, teeth bombs, throw feathers, telekinesis, fire breath -attacks do nothing -it’s an illusion -turn around, butterfly strikes while looking at him reveals partially healed form, antlers Flee out the room, fighters overrun by cockroaches Erasure is his most powerful quirk Izuku flanks him and kicks him in the skull, blocked by antlers -antlers become bendy and grab him Butterfly tries to go for izuku’s eyes using mom’s quirk -other heroes quickly tossed aside -chase down izuku through the maze -fold hole in the wall -punch in the jaw, teeth explode -izuku nearly overpowered -held down completely -strangled

-Aizawa and the class rush to the entrance, blocked off -must be a fail safe, butterfly was meant to break in -break down the doors -what if butterfly manages to escape -mina’s acid, strong punching, laser, explosions Aoyama asks for braces or someone to hold him while he blasts the ground -anger he doesn’t have the right quirk -knows his is the only one that can disable butterfly -they have to take the risk

-held down completely, erasure flickers -Pathfinder hits him with a baton and tries to choke him, distracting him -only one eye -izuku breaks free with 100% -smashes Butterfly’s eyesocket with his knuckle -blood splashes in his face as he flees -scream behind him -arm strained, can’t tell if it’s broken -pathfinder’s fate unknown -brief visions, body swap quirk Realize butterfly has been holding back because he wants a healthy body Test how much

-aizawa run through the maze -find pathfinder -hear screaming

-leap though illusion and snap off one of butterfly’s wings -tear membrane with own feather, cut between broken bones -it tries to crawl back to him -illusion breaks, revealing deer skull -flee, openly crying, bleeding tears -lock hands, izuku breaks others fingers, -wings burst from his back, heroes hold back wings -powers through pain and dread Leaps up and smashes the floor to pieces -butterfly screaming at him Jump at each other -Spears izuku in the back Break through the ceiling -Aizawa erases his quirks -restored appearance fades, more decayed than ever -izuku kicks and breaks his neck

30. YU SHOOT ITT -izuku was fading -a round face, a thin face, green eyes both -something shiny bobbing in and out of sight -butterfly stream of conscious -reuse lines from before -senses izuku in the other room -force shared pain and empathy as he’s dying -izuku screams in agony -felt his stomach split again.  A candle to a forest fire.  Pathetic. “This is mine.  This is me.” -shared perspective -why do you deserve to be happy and i don’t -you kill people, tired to get me to kill myself -but before, i didn’t do anything wrong -why did it all go so bad? -gets up, floats with his quirk -barely copies normal movement -Floats to the door -Aizawa stops him -hard to breath -feels his mom and all might comforting him -that’s really mom -force the connection harder -stop screaming i wanna hear what mom’s saying Aizawa cuts him off again, he cries Feels his bones sink -“do you think if I die in this world, I can still be with my mom?” -goes down struggling -“it’s not fair”

31. At Rest, At Last -izuku flatlines but is revived -undo the latches on his costume Taken back for surgery Sit in the hall and cry for hours -a defibrillator is for a different kind of heart attack -so that’s what it was?  A heart attack? Doctor rushes by with an ice box Explain to aizawa that izuku flatlined -butterfly is dead, new despair -took his stomach for izuku -inko and all might go to see butterfly -inko wants to see him, takes a moment to recognize him -that’s her baby -screams -hugs and apologies -all might would have gone to stay with him -they both despair but are thankful for their son -“he was barely five years old, and he was ready to accept that his family didn’t want him.” -goes back to izuku -his hand is bigger than hers, when did that happen?

-final casualty count, pathfinder dead (?) along with several police officers -doctor recounts the autopsy -butterfly was dead on his feet, practically killed him -barely enough muscle to hold his own head up, let alone stand -“in my unprofessional opinion, this was a mercy killing.” -Aizawa looks at the body, that’s midoriya -Aizawa wants to try and bring him back with eri, Might not work, Might traumatize her -argue, all Might says he was too far gone, they wouldn’t be able to shield him from criminal charges, record like his would net him the death penalty anyway, stuck in a cage again, all that hate and fear in his heart left to fester in a padded cell for the rest of his life -thinks he would come after izuku again, what do you think that screaming was?  He was trying to take him down with him. -not hurting anyone else, not hurting himself -“He said he wanted, more than anything, to rest/stop fighting/for the pain to stop, and now, he has.” -“Aizawa-kun. ..  Please let him rest.” -Aizawa leaves before he can break down

-toshi looks over butterfly -“an innocent butterfly, drowned in mud and crushed under the boot of the world.” -not innocent, but he felt someone should be there to see him off -Apologizes -runs hand through his hair, shushes him even though he’ll be silent for quite a while -hesitant to leave him -that’s my boy...  That could have been my boy -bodyswap lingers in his mind -kisses his hairline, touch of cold lingers -goes to wash his hands and face before returning to izuku -wakes up later -“he’s dead” “I know.”

32. All Those Moments -

-aizawa drives back to ua with midnight -she tries to joke with aoyama about makeup, he’s not having it -won’t go into details about butterfly -mic greats them at the gate, hug -comes back to dorms to welcome party “Midoriya’s villain is dead.” -they cheer -Bakugou pulls him aside to try and get answers -people who’s job it is to save lives should never celebrate the death of another human being, be relieved, be thankful, but do not celebrate -don’t cheer for death -cries while holding eri -mic and midnight ask him what’s wrong -he was just a Kid

-do you want to be buried or cremated, inko can’t stop thinking about that phrase -3 services in three days -mass wake for officers -izuku makes rounds, “your child/spouse/parent” saved my life -inko almost couldn’t get out of the car -izuku said he had to come -pathfinder funeral, mention the teens and neji -he saved my life, i want to be worthy -crematorium, limited service in his home town -service in jakku -speak briefly to stripes -ask to speak at the wake, doesn’t have the best luck with speeches -mom asks why, he didn’t really know him -Jakku heroes offer him a job, we’ll save you a spot says he never wants to come back here -pass a boarded up diner -I’m his mother, i should be here -never spoke with butterfly, never in the same room when he was alive -cold gripping horror at burying her own son -service ends in slow motion -no words exchanged -silent for the whole long drive home -dotes on izuku at home -not home, couldn’t bare the thought of sleeping where someone died -all might rented a place/or all might’s apartment -he carries around his all might and blankie -makes him food, watches tv -cuddle in her bed like when he was small -her sweet baby boy grew up to face unfathomable horror -wants to promise no one will hurt him again, they both know she can’t

-villain graveyard -“Izuku Midoriya, 16 years old, at rest at last tailored clothes around his wings, buried is his shoes -izuku goes to butterfly, stares His bones wouldn’t burn He suffered 16 years old, seventeen in a few months, he’ll grow.  Live. Make sure he keeps living ⁃ Took midoriya to view the body before it was buried.  Stared, said nothing -all might dusts of the grave, leaves a few flowers and food -still conflicted, butterfly was worse case scenario, uses it as motivation to protect his boy -he longs for some sign.  Waits for some great vision that the boy is well in the end.  A butterfly wing broken wings that still flies.  One on the tombstone.  It’s the dead of winter.  Him coming to him in a dream, face full and bright and back bare of those fowl wings that shackled him to the earth, and promising him that he’s not in pain anymore.  But it never comes.  Butterfly died in agony, after years of torture, alone. -“Toshinori wasn’t a religious man, but he still hoped that, if something did become of young butterfly in the en`d, that he at least got to rest.” -he might be moving into the same new building as the Midoriyas -picks up Izuku from first therapy session, not much to say -you’re my boy aren’t you? -don’t want to say anything that makes him spiral further Do you remember what happened before this all started? -we talked about Superman, you said your name was inspired by all Star Superman -and... -rumors about being his son, “I don’t mind” -cry, hug and a kiss on top of his head -sixteen years old, he’s my son -return home -izuku stares out the window Take him to the tokoyaki stand Sit on the beach wall -cuddle like they did the night before butterfly attacked -izuku crawls up his sleeve and presses his forehead -yeah.  Yeah you’re mine.

⁃ When Butterfly was around, he never had nightmares.  Now that he’s dead, Izuku has nothing but. -izuku can’t sleep, -home doesn’t feel like home anymore -people died here, in this world, and the other one -has nightmares when he’s awake too, they’re memories -likes All Might’s thin arms, likes to be carried, better than those too big that held him like a pet while the bones in his back pulled away from the rest of his body. -checking himself in the mirror, scars on his chest fading fast, no evidence if he covers it up -asked the doctors to remove his scars when he went back to get his stitches out, just the ones from Butterfly, back to what he was before -regrets it -looked butterfly in the face, up close, in the eyes, and though: that’s not me.  It can’t be -looks at himself now, his own face in the mirror, and thinks: that’s not me.  It can’t be -too thick, skin to smooth, hand in his hair to search for antlers -I’m me, aren’t I? -text from friends, excited to have him back -compulsion to go outside, he does -it’s cold out without a shirt, starting to snow -I could just go -wants to run, from what? -doesn’t want to face the others How can he just go back to normal? -if i don’t say something now, i never will -wake up mom, I’m ready to talk about it now -sees all might in the kitchen again, mom too -visions of the other ones life

-Bakugou s body, swollen and broken -desperation to find a school that will take him -walk past the gates -sell blood -luxury apartment -All for one, first quirk are the cherub wings, small, but his -not the only one, testing multiple quirks, isn’t sure when he becomes the favorite -wings are painful coming in, all for one holds him -gave in eventually -can’t see all of the wings in the mirror, shine green in the light -lakies make fun of his failure, requests quirk to stop crying -creates copy of all for one -usj, something wrong, gets erasure -flees out the window, can’t get home, returns willingly -tested on with mutation quirks as punishment, cries when he discovers minor telekinesis -isn’t there for Kamino allegory, acts desperate to save Sensei, erases immortality quirk -tries to go home again, authorities mistake him for villain, programmed to attack -he finds Dad.  Dad, who hadn’t so much as touched him in a decade, picks him up and holds him like its nothing.  He kisses his head and calls him baby and tells him everything is going to be alright because he’s here now.  And it was for a while.  He fed him and bathed him.  He sleeps tucked close to his chest like when he was little, even if the wings took up a lot of space.  He has to comfort his father when he cries for mom, since he can’t cry anymore.  He and takes him to the doctor.  They don’t know how to help him.  He says he wants everything but moms quirk to go.  Dad doesn’t understand why he has it.  He doesn’t listen.  He never does.   At least you aren’t quirkless anymore Steals dad’s quirk to teach him a lesson about being quirkless Dad only came back for mom.  He said so.  He was missing for over a year and only came back after mom went missing.  He blames him.  He burns off the tips of his wings. -they think he’s a villain -Kills mirio -trades quirks for money, later just food -chase anything related to mom -wanders to Jakku, ua goes there around this time of year and he saw an ad for a lodge that looked kind of like home -hears his own name -demands the bridge quirk guy trade him, had enough -kills.  Jumps.  Sees himself, up on a stage in a hero costume from his dreams, smiling among deafening cheers.  And he shares his dread. -sees both of himself, locking eyes in the ambulance, round face, thin face, green eyes both, watching and feeling each other die

-run back inside -wake up mom and all might -i don’t think I’m me anymore -stuck with all this anger and hatred and fear -can’t tell the difference -all might says he feels guiltily instead of angry -but i am angry -writes as he talks -it’s like one glass of water being poured into another glass of water -hard to tell where the first ends and the second begins and you can’t separate them -did he take something from you -don’t know -“after all that, do you still think you made the right choice?”  “Never came into question.” -has his whole life ahead of him -going to die eventually -takes out notebook -“Butterfly” crosses it out, rights his own name -lies between the two people who love him most -all might’s hand on his chest, holding him -other arm curling mini him to his chest -mom has his blankie -izuku has his all might plushie -tomorrow, he goes back to all his friends at the best hero school in the country -people like him, he has fans -almost too good to be true -this is all butterfly wanted -all i ever wanted -more than i could have ever asked for No one stalking me, no one chasing me -I’m home -do i deserve it though? -have to make decisions, could spiral -have to go back out into the world and keep living -for now, he let himself feel happy -the two sides agree to feel happy -“this is mine.  This is me.  And there’s nothing I can do about it.” -and for now, I’ll let it make me happy -this is mine, this is me -deep under guilty happiness, lies dread he knew could only come from himself. -this dread could only be his own.  Maybe it was always. -it’s mine.  It’s me. -whoever i am, I’m alive -no matter what i do, whoever i am, I’m me.  I’m me.

#butterfly #long post #writing #behold the process #and yes #all of my outlines are like this

[bffsoobin]

Windflower

01|02|03|04|05|06

↳ after a heartbreak you find yourself in a small town looking for purpose. you find employment with Choi Soobin and his impressive ancestral home. when you start to fall in love again, there’s no way for you to predict what you find in the depths of the home and Soobin’s mind.

➤ hanahaki au, fluff, angst

Word Count:1,568

Warnings: mentions of food, some swearing, mentions of past relationships/unrequited love, mentions of surgery (not in detail). General warning that its 11 pm here and for me that’s late (old lady alert) and I didn’t proofread as usual.

A/N: Another character building chapter! There is very important info about both Soobin and reader in here, so make sure you pay attention and read well!  

•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:•☾☼☽•:•.•:•.•:•:•:•:•:•:•:••:•.•

Dinner was surprisingly good, given the two of you had just thrown a frozen pizza in the oven. He had fussed adorably over adding extra cheese to the meal before popping it into the shiny appliance. It was easy to tell Soobin still felt awkward due to almost seeing you naked because he kept at least 5 feet of distance between your bodies for a long while. His skittish nature made it difficult for you to help set the table, but you let it slide. You don't know much about him; so it felt wrong to pass judgement on the way he couldn’t even keep eye contact for a while. It was okay, though, because his behavior still managed to rustle up glee in your stomach. The pizza was one of the best meals you had eaten in days, and you thanked Soobin profusely for it. He smiled awkwardly, waving you off with a joke about owing him breakfast in the morning. His personality had brightened ten shades with the help of food and his favorite tv show on the big screen television mounted on the wall of the living room. He had a whole pint of Half Baked ice cream open on the coffee table that was just for him. He had offered to share, but you turned him down upon seeing the absolutely ravenous look on his face; worried that he would combust on the spot if you didn’t let him have the pint to himself.  So you settled for watching the show absentmindedly until your mind began to wander. Intrigued by the contrast between the home’s age and the modern interior, you finally decided to ask Soobin. 

“Did someone do renovations here?” You mentally slapped yourself. Well duh, Y/N. Soobin’s ancestors who posed for oil portraits that now hung in ornate golden frames certainly didn’t install the stainless steel refrigerator and pick out the large leather sectional you were currently lounging on. He didn’t seem to catch the poor wording of your question as he nodded from his spot on the couch next to you with his legs tucked underneath him. You couldn’t help but notice how adorable he looked sitting that way.

“Yeah, my cousin did most of that kind of stuff. He’s a few years older than me so he was able to update the house for us when he was still living here. That’s his whole thing,” Soobin wiggled his fingers in the air, “interior design. Consulted at the shop a few towns over and everything.”

“I heard that he moved, why?” The back of your neck grew hot when you realized how insensitive that question really sounded once it was said out loud. “You don’t have to answer me, by the way,” you hoped that the attempt to backtrack would be enough to curb potential awkwardness. God knows the two of you couldn’t afford any more of that. 

“He met a girl online who lives a few states away and fell in love with her. He was wasting all of his money traveling back and forth to see her, so he finally decided to just move. The only things keeping him here were me and taking care of the house. I miss him sometimes, but I can’t blame him. He was starting to grow flowers for her, and she made it very clear that unless he could move to live with her, he would have to get the surgery.” Soobin’s voice had taken on a very odd tone that felt too complicated to unpack at the moment. Besides, your own chest began to burn at the mention of growing flowers. 

The boy must have noticed the way you gently grasped the soft fabric of your t-shirt between your fingers as his eyes widened like a deer in headlights. He made a miniscule scooch over the leather cushions to get a bit closer to you and place a hesitant hand on your shoulder. His voice was extremely soft and quiet even for as close as he was to you. 

“I’m sorry Y/N, I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable, I didn’t know that you…” he licked his plump lips as he hesitated, “Did you have surgery? You don’t have to answer me either, by the way.” Of course you had seen the question coming, but hearing it in the softest tone of voice you had ever heard from a human being struck a different chord in your heart. You couldn’t find it in yourself to confess your woes to his face, so you turned to your left to admire the garden from the window view. Earlier, he had happily told you the names of some of them and their meanings. Buttercups signifying innocence, Forget-me-nots representing true love, Marigolds standing for bliss. Flowers; dictating so much of your life. 

“Yeah, I had surgery.” You cursed the shaky edge in your voice. “I was in love with my best friend from college, we were roommates and he was everything I ever wanted from a boyfriend. And I thought he liked me back so,” you swallowed thickly and finally turned your head to see a confused furrow in Soobin’s brow. You knew why he looked so confused, but he would understand your emotions soon enough. “So I thought I had just caught some kind of bug when I started to grow flowers, and he was taking care of me. One day I went to the bathroom to puke and out came little purple petals. It was so confusing. He thought they were for someone else, so he comforted me and I didn’t understand why that only made me cough up more.” A hot tear escaped down your cheek and you cursed at it. Soobin’s whole body was rigid, as if your story was enough to stop all of his bodily functions in their tracks. You supposed your societally unusual show of emotions for a past love would be more than enough to elicit that response. 

“Obviously, I found out that he didn’t love me back so I went for surgery. They deemed it successful and I moved back in with him so we could just live as best friends. No flowers, no icky feelings, right?” The question was obviously rhetorical yet Soobin nodded as if cheering you on. “And everything was great, for close to a year. Until one night I woke up in a coughing fit when he wasn’t home and ended up with another god damn purple petal in my hand.” Your fist clenched at the memory of the disgustingly wet petal that had landed in your palm just to mock you. “So I went back to the hospital and they did all their tests. There’s nothing left for them to remove. No new growths, just. There’s something wrong with me. The doctor said he had read about it before, people who can’t fully move on even after removal. That was just two weeks ago. I couldn’t stay there and pretend the first surgery actually ended my feelings for him. That’s how I ended up here, with you.”

Soobin’s face was unreadable. A horribly timed laugh track blasted from the tv speakers and made you cringe. How awkward could this first day as an employee and roommate be? He had nearly seen you naked and now he knows all about your past heartbreak and medical anomaly. You inhaled a shuddering breath through your nose and busied yourself with watching the sun slowly disappear behind the trees of the property. 

“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. I can’t even relate with,” he gestured awkwardly toward his own chest, “growing flowers. I never have. That’s why I grow so many in the garden. Well, that and the family traditions. But mostly because I have always wondered what I would grow if I were in your position. And I memorize what they mean because one time I read a story that said your flowers can signify the kind of relationship you have with that person; especially since they change with every relationship. But I guess it’s kind of a blessing I’ve never loved anyone yet, huh?” You scoffed at his confession. 

“You have no idea, Soobin. I’d give everything to fall in love with someone who loves me back and push those stupid purple petals out of my system. Or to just have normal anatomy. But we live in a cruel world sometimes.” The atmosphere of the living room existed in direct opposition to your statement, as warm hues of sunset casted over every surface in a blissful haze.You could see particles of dust falling through the air as if in slow motion. Soobin hummed thoughtfully and got up to stand in front of a window. The light framed the outline of his body like a halo. 

“Lets hope,” his voice sounded just as light and airy as the room looked, “that the only flowers you encounter from now on are just the ones from the garden. No pain included.” You weren’t sure how much stock you should take in his insinuation that being here, with him, wouldn’t end in you growing flowers again. Was that an underhanded confession of attraction? You certainly didn’t have the guts to ask, but the idea made you feel weightless. 

“That would be very nice, Soobin. No pain included at all.” 

#txtwritersnetwork #soobin #choi soobin #txt #tomorrow x together #soobin fluff #soobin fanfic #soobin au #soobin x reader #soobin angst #soobin reaction #soobin reactions #soobin scenario #soobin fic #soobin imagine #soobin imagines #txt x reader #txt fluf #txt angst #txt scenario #txt scenarios #txt fanfic #txt fic #txt imagine #txt imagines #txt au #tomorrow x together fluff #tomorrow x together fanfic #tomorrow x together fic #txt reactions

[jalapeno-princess]

Before You Go

Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst

Warning: Mentions about mental illness, depression, anxiety, insecurities

Word Count: 3.5K

Summary: When Got7 has a break during their world tour, Mark rushes back to Korea in order to return home to you. However, when he comes home to an empty apartment, he isn’t too surprised. Although he didn’t know about your condition, you were no longer acting like yourself a couple of weeks before. After reading the letter you left him, he realizes that you were suffering and he never hated himself more for not doing anything about it sooner.

A/N: Hey guys, I got inspired to rush this very sad imagine after listening to the song “Before you go” by Lewis Capaldi and I could not stop listening to it. It’s such a heartbreaking song and I remember seeing a tiktok about Got7 with that song and I actually cried. Hearing that he wrote this song about his aunt who committed suicide made my heart hurt. I’ve suffered from both depression and anxiety for quite some time and at one of the lowest points of my life, I just so happened to stumble across of the 7 most wonderful human beings and my life changed for the better. I’d be lying if I said I don’t have my bad days, but watching their videos or listening to their songs really helps uplift my spirits. I’m so sorry if you have any sort of mental disorder but I hope you know that you are so beautiful and so loved. The pain doesn’t last forever and if you ever need someone to talk to, my messages are always open! And please, don’t make someone the main source of your happiness. It isn’t someone’s responsibility to make you happy. Everyone suffers something we don’t know and the minute that person does something to upset you, it never once leaves your mind and they no longer make you happy. With that being said, read with caution and enjoy.

I fell by the wayside like everyone else I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, but I was just kidding myself Our every moment, I start to replace 'Cause now that they're gone, all I hear are the words that I needed to say

When you hurt under the surface Like troubled water running cold Well, time can heal, but this won'tSo, before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go

Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

He knew it was coming whether he liked it or not. Your smile no longer reached your eyes whenever the two of you would FaceTime, your contagious laughter than he loved so much didn’t sound genuine like it used to, you would always respond with short answers to each and every one of your messages. 

Mark didn’t have to see you in person to know that you weren’t yourself anymore; that you weren’t happy anymore and he hated that he didn’t realize something was wrong until it was too late. When he first walked in to your shared apartment, he didn’t think that anything was out of the ordinary. It was natural for you to not be at home. 

Being a full-time college student with a full-time job took up most of your time and you’ve told him being occupied with all these responsibilities helped take your mind off of his absence. As soon as he walked in to the bedroom, he was quick to notice how empty the room was. Your vanity was cleared of all your makeup and jewelry, the table that your books and laptop occupied was empty and when he went to open your side of the closet, it was empty. 

Mark didn’t know if he wasn’t responding to the fact that you were gone because he was in disbelief, because he thought this was a terrible nightmare that he was soon to wake up from or because he didn’t want to accept the fact that you actually left. It took him a few minutes to recollect his thoughts, but once he accepted that this was actually happening and that you took all of your things and moved out, he found himself sinking to his knees and let out the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching sob. 

Being a KPOP idol wasn’t the most easiest job out there, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t love traveling the world and getting to perform in stadiums and arenas alongside of his six best friends. Other than the rumors made about him, the mistreatment he and the rest of Got7 experienced from their company and the unnecessary hate he’d receive on a daily basis, the only other thing he hated about being an idol was having to go months without being with you; his soulmate, the love of his life, his person. 

If Mark had the choice, he’d take you on tour with him. He was happiest whenever he was with you and each time he had to go on tour or travel around Asia for all the different photo shoots or reality tv shows he’d star in, he couldn’t find it in himself to completely enjoy the opportunity in its entirety. The love Mark had for you was stronger and deeper than anything in the entire world including his career. 

He’d tell you time and time again that he would give up all the fame and success if it meant getting to spend every possible moment with you. You were his safe haven; his home. Every time something went wrong in his life or he felt like things weren’t going his way, he’d always run to you in search of comfort and salvation. Sure, he’d find confidants in his members and some of his family members, but nobody understood him the way you did. 

Nobody knew what to say to make him feel better like you did. Nobody’s embrace and the sound of their heartbeat against his chest made him feel calm and at ease like yours did. It was in that moment of self pity that he realized, he was the reason why you left. When the two of you first met over four years ago, you were suffering from both anxiety and depression at the time. 

There were days where you would get sad and even cry for no reason and sometimes you’d end up hyperventilating or feel like you weren’t able to breathe and not know the reason. From the time you were younger, you had a tendency of shutting people out of your life completely before they even got to really know you. Your parents never understood why you hardly ever had any friends, up until the day they got a call from your 8th grade counselor suggesting that you go see a therapist. 

Although you hardly ever talked to anybody unless you really had to, it was hard not to hear about the countless rumors about you being mysterious and weird on top of receiving the nickname “ghost girl” because it was as if you didn’t even exist. On the fateful day you were introduced to the devastatingly handsome idol, your life changed entirely for the better. 

You were interning at a hospital as a receptionist when he came storming in to the emergency room trying his best alongside of BamBam to help carry Yugyeom inside. It was in that moment that you learned the youngest boy sprained his ankle while practicing some choreography and you were quick to register him in the system and luckily the emergency room wasn’t all too crowded when the three of them arrived. 

Both BamBam and Mark stayed in the waiting room for a couple of hours until BamBam decided to get some food for the two of them. When he left, Mark found himself walking over to you with the intention of getting to know you. He was too busy focusing on trying to get Yugyeom medical attention to really talk to you, but once the nurses took over, he got to admire your beauty and took the chance to see if you were interested in going on a date with him. You were extremely beautiful; there was no doubt about it. 

Mark had a hard time keeping his eyes off of you and snuck some looks here and there to prevent BamBam catching on to his attraction to you, but once the younger boy was gone, he planned on making it aware that he admired how well you worked under pressure and how you did whatever you could to make sure Yugyeom was in the right hands and that he was going to be okay. In the hour that BamBam was away, Mark learned that you were currently in the process of becoming a registered nurse. 

Not only were you going to school full time, but you were also a resident assistant and worked as a receptionist to help pay for medical school. You also got to learn that Mark was a KPOP idol and that he and the rest of Got7 were in your hometown for two weeks for a concert. The two of you immediately hit it off; you fell for his charm, his gentle personality and his gorgeous looks. He fell for your passion, determination, strength and your beauty was just a bonus. In both his free time and yours, you both went on multiple dates. 

Since it was his first time in your hometown, you took him to places that you loved visiting and hoped that he would end up loving each and every location just as much as you did. There were a few kisses shared, whispers of interest and adoration for one another, a couple of hugs and many cuddles. You knew you should’ve told him about your mental state, but you were afraid of scaring him away before you really got to knew him. 

With everyone who tried to befriend you and actually wanted to be apart of your life, you let them know right off the bat that you weren’t normal. You didn’t want to make friends with someone only for them to judge you for your mental disorders but for some reason, Mark was different. He made you laugh and smile so effortlessly. His smile sent your body in flames. For the first time in a very long time, you were genuinely happy. 

A few days before they went to fly to the next country, Mark asked you to be his girlfriend. He told you that he was falling for you faster than he’d like to admit and that he’s never felt this way about anyone before. Deep down, you knew you should’ve said no. He already had so much on his plate; dealing with someone with so much baggage was not what he needed. The last thing Mark needed in his life was to become a babysitter and personal therapist to a grown women suffering from both anxiety and depression. But you couldn’t. 

You were selfish. You wanted Mark just as much as he claimed to have wanted you; which is why you weren’t surprised when you found yourself saying yes while immediately smashing your lips against his. Mark informed you that dating an idol wouldn’t be easy, especially since the two of you would be in a long distance relationship; but he promised you that he would try his best to contact you as much as he could and that the two of you would plan to visit each other when time permitted you to do so. 

Since Mark was the first boyfriend you’ve had, you weren’t used to the idea of a long distance relationship. You didn’t know what to expect. The idea both worried you as much as the thought of dating him excited you. There were millions of girls who adored him and he was surrounded by so many beautiful idols, actresses, models and singers. What if he realized that he could do so much better than you and that you were a mistake; a brief lapse of judgement he made because he was lonely and you were one of the only girls that weren’t throwing themselves at him? 

Your conscience always tried to make you feel bad, no matter how happy you were or how good things were going in your life. Right now, Mark was the only thing keeping you going and you tried your best to push the negative thoughts to the back of your mind, but it was only natural for you to thing negatively. Mark in more or less words was the perfect boyfriend. Even if he was extremely busy, he made it a point to contact you twice a day; once he woke up and right before he went to bed. 

If he had more time, he spent all of it talking to you. As much as you would prefer to see him on a daily basis, you could still feel so much love from him through computer and phone screens. When he didn’t have any schedules or when you went on vacation, you’d fly up to Korea or he’d fly down to spend time with you. The more you got to spend time and physically get to see your boyfriend, everything seemed to be okay. 

You were so focused on being in the moment with Mark that you didn’t have time to be sad. However, when he would leave, or when you’d have to return back home, you could physically feel your chest get heavy. It was your fault; you made him the only reason for your happiness. You and Mark hardly ever got in to arguments but when you did, it got really bad for you mentally. 

Each and every time you’d fight, you would always blame yourself even if it wasn’t even your fault. Mark had a tendency to get jealous and in the first few months of your relationship, you became aware that Mark was extremely protective over you. You didn’t understand where his insecurities came from; if anything you were the one who should be envious and insecure. 

You’d see the way he flirted with other idols every now and then. He was also very flirtatious with his fans and you knew it was all apart of the idol image, but that didn’t make you feel any better. As much as you wanted to voice how you felt, you were afraid that it would spiral in to a conversation you weren’t ready for. You were afraid that he would find out about your illness and look at you in a different light. You were afraid that he would finally come to the realization that he deserved so much better than you. 

You were afraid of losing him. 

Dating Mark had its ups and downs, but you loved him with every fiber of your being. He was your safe haven; your favorite hiding place; an escape from the real world and you knew you’d be okay as long as you had him in your life. Things were going very good for the two of you for the last few years. After graduating from college over two years ago, you applied for a working visa in order to move to Korea and be able to see Mark more often. 

He asked you to move in with him before you could even arrive and you were honestly over the moon. Time and time again, you’d find yourself daydreaming about getting to go to sleep in his arms and waking up next to him. He was the definition of a gentleman and made sure to remind you just how much he loved you and thought the world of you on a daily basis. On multiple occasions, Mark would bring up marriage and how he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you. 

There was nothing more you wanted in this world than to marry Mark; the only person that meant anything to you; the only source of your happiness, but you were afraid that you’d ruin your relationship somewhere down the line like you ruined everything else. During your entire relationship, you did your best in hiding your mental illnesses; you’d suffer alone and cry whenever he wasn’t around. You would go and see a therapist while he was working; you really wanted your relationship with Mark to last and in order to do so, you had to change yourself to be someone Mark would be proud to date. 

Unfortunately, there was nothing that could help you. When Got7 went on tour again, this time it would be for an entire year. You didn’t think you would be able to live without him for an entire year. Sure, he’d have some breaks and return back to Korea every now and then and you could visit whatever country they were in, but it just wasn’t enough. While he was away, the voices only grew louder and so did your insecurities and negative thoughts. 

You’re too fucked up to be loved. 

You’re crazy for thinking a guy like Mark could ever like you. 

He can do so much better than you. 

He’s probably cheating on you. 

You’re only holding him back from so many things. 

If he knew how insane you really were, he’d leave in an instant. 

You tried your best to ignore the voices; tried to pretend as if there was nothing wrong with you. Tried to pretend that you could maybe one day actually become normal and be able to live without a care in the world, but that kind of life could never be yours. Mark was a blessing; an angel on earth; a beautiful distraction and you would be selfish if you allowed to let this relationship continue. 

The thought of no longer having Mark in your life felt like a stab in the chest. A life without Mark was not one worth living, but you couldn’t keep doing this. You were only hurting him the longer you dated him for. While he was gone, you decided you would pack your bags and leave him completely. It took a few weeks to come to that decision, you were so stubborn and you knew you’d regret it one day, but you wanted to leave him before he could leave you. 

Since you were still so in love with him and would probably always be in love with him, you kept in contact with him and did your best to make sure that he didn’t sense that something was wrong. He would call you and tell you all about his day, how much fun the concert was and that he missed you, but he never asked you how you were doing. He always sent you pictures, but he no longer asked for any. You felt as if he was slowly falling out of love with you. He didn’t have to say it and even if he was great with reaching out to you, it felt like you were more like a friend to him rather than his girlfriend. 

When you moved out completely and made your way back home, you cried for what felt like hours. If being away from him was already so upsetting, what more now that you were running away from your relationship; from him? You thought it was what was best for him; but it was slowly killing you. There were so many times where you wanted to tell him the truth. 

For all you knew, he could be extremely understanding and would want to do whatever he could to help you; yet the chance of him laughing in your face were even higher. Mark had problems of his own and was very vocal about anything that was bothering him. Shouldn’t he have felt as if something was wrong since you never complained once about anything? 

You were a licensed nurse, studying to get your bachelor’s degree in a country you weren’t familiar with. You were all alone when Mark was in and out of the country. Wouldn’t he think that there was a chance you were struggling and having a hard time? Even if you didn’t say anything, did he not have the smallest amount of common sense to put two and two together? As the days went by, you no longer felt butterflies swarm in your tummy when you looked at him. 

The thought of him no longer made you smile like an idiot. He wasn’t the same man who told you silly hospital puns to get your attention all those years ago. He no longer made you happy and that’s how you knew it was the end. When the only source of your happiness no longer made you happy, there was no point in staying with him anymore. Mark was in a fetal position, crying on the floor for almost the entire day. 

Where did you go? Why did you leave? You were just talking to him a few days ago, how long were you planning on leaving for? He wanted to call you to get the answers of his many questions. Did you no longer love him? Did you grow tired of the distance? Were you okay? 

When his sobs slowly settled down, he stood up with the tiny amount of energy in his body and went on a search for his phone. He didn’t know what he was going to say to you; but he just needed to hear your voice. He wanted you to tell him something happened with your family and you had to go be with them but that you’d come back later. In that moment of self pity, your last phone call came back like a slap in the face. At the time, Mark didn’t think your words meant anything but now that you were gone, they made so much sense and he hated it. Hated himself. 

“You know if one day, we’re no longer together, I want you to know that I will always love and support you. You will always be my person Mark, even if you find someone else and I’m no longer yours.” 

Why didn’t he realize the distance earlier? There was obviously something different about the way you would talk and the tone of your voice. It no longer had that sweet, bubbly intonation it used to have. You also never contacted him as much as you used to. Whenever he told you he loved you and he missed you, he felt as if you said it just to say it. Before he could continue searching for his phone, it was then that he saw the tiny little post-it note on his pillow and once he finished reading it, he released an ear piercing scream of frustration.

“Dear Mark,

I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore. I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a long time. I don’t thing I ever was genuinely happy once in my life until I met you and honestly the only moments I experienced happiness were when I was with you. Unfortunately, nothing made me happy anymore; including you. I felt as if I was preventing you from reaching your fullest potential. I wish you nothing but health and success. I’m going to miss you so much Mark. Thank you for showing me so much love and happiness for the time being. You’re an amazing person Mark and I meant what I said when I told you I’d love you forever. Please don’t come looking for me. It’s for the best.

Sincerely, y/n.”

Would we be better off by now If I'd have let my walls come down? Maybe, I guess we'll never know You know, you know

Before you go Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better? If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather So, before you go Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting? It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless So, before you go

#got7 imagines #got7 #got7 mark #mark tuan #mark tuan imagines #got7 angst

[crystalwillow]

When You’re Ready

Pairing: Rafael Aveiro x Casey Valentine (F!MC)

A/N: Hi guys. This is my first time rewriting a chapter as my own short fiction. I don’t see many fanfictions with Rafael and Casey (both male and female MC). I won’t be quoting may lines from the actual chapters because my brain is a mess and I forgot to screenshot a lot of what’s happened recently as I was so emotionally engaged in it all. But I thought it would be sweet to add this into the mix. 

Tagging: @kiteplayschoices 

--- After they know the cure worked and they’re both awake ---

Casey had just been told by a happy Sienna that Rafael had woken up, and she could go to see him. He’d been asking for her. Happily, Casey made her way to his room, but stopped in her tracks as she heard shouting coming from his room.

“Did you even think of me before you charged in there?!”

“I- No. I didn’t”

“Just as I thought. Goodbye, Rafael. I’m glad you’re okay but... we’re not. In fact there is no ‘we’ anymore. This relationship is over.”

“Sora-“

Casey watched as Rafael’s now ex-boyfriend stormed out of the room, stopping and turning to look at her before heading off through the halls in a rush. Tears stinging his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Casey walked on hesitantly and entered Raf’s room, poking her head in first. Rafael looked up and a smile graced his features. Even though he was still a little pale and clearly dehydrated, to her he still looked as beautiful as he did the first day she saw him. She entered and returned his smile as she sat in the chair beside the bed.

“Hey. Are you okay? I heard.. what happened just now.”

“Oh. ... Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah... Sora was right. I wanted it to work, but... my heart? It wasn’t in it.”

“I see.” Casey said nodding, focusing on a wall before looking back into his eyes. “So... what does this mean for you now? Are you still going to Brazil, or...?”

Rafael looked at the door for a minute. Thought flickering over his face before he focused back on Casey.

“No. No, I don’t think so. I told myself that moving would.... be good for me. A new frontier. But now that I think about it. I think I was just running away.”

He moved his hand slightly, Casey noticed and laced their fingers together and he squeezed lightly.

“I’m going to stay. I need to. I wanted a change, and well.. I got one.”

The two locked eyes and grinned at each other briefly. Casey scooted closer and rested her head on his shoulder, Rafael leaning his head onto hers and taking a deep breath. A ghost of a smile crossed his face as they stayed like that for a while. In that moment, a lot clicked into place. One of those things being that his break-up with Sora a few moments ago didn’t hurt like it should have, because he wanted this. He wanted Casey. Then his eyes widened as the final realization came forward. He loves her, and wants to love her for the rest of their lives. But he shook the thought from his mind, forcing himself to enjoy the current moment.

--- Days Later ---

“Dr. Valentine? ... Casey?”

She turned round to face the other person in her room, still in a bit of a daze.

“Hm?”

“I’m discharging you.”

“What? But.”

Ethan stopped her by holding up his hand. “Don’t even attempt to argue with me. I’m happy with your latest test results. I’m sending you home.”

Casey sat on the bed, silent as her gaze fell to the floor. She was scared, though she wouldn’t openly admit that to anyone just yet. Even though she had admitted she was scared of dying, this seemed different to her.

“Can I do normal things again?” she asked numbly

“Yes. You can walk, eat your favourite ice cream, do light exercise. No sexual activity though please, that’s too strenuous. I don’t need you re-admitted.”

He had made his last comment in hope of getting her to smile but it was evident that wasn’t going to work. Sighing, Ethan sat in the chair next to her bed.

“What is it?”

“Can I go to the memorial?”

“I wouldn’t suggest it. Like Rafael, your immune system is still a bit weak. So whilst yes, I am discharging you. I would suggest staying away from large gatherings for a while.”

“Can I see Rafael? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine Casey. Said something about going home to his vovo.”

“His Grandma.” Casey said quietly, a ghost of  a smile on her lips. “He loves her so much. The guilt that hit him when we were in that isolation room before he went into his coma...” she trailed off as she remembered that moment. Wishing she could have just had the courage to kiss his lips, even if it was just a light peck. Or just kissing his cheek. She regrets not laying out how she felt before he slipped into his deepened state of sleep.

“Casey?”

She turned her head to look Ethan in the eye.

“You should go and see him. He was asking after you before he left. He wanted to come here but was more concerned about getting to his grandma.”

“He really does love her. I don’t blame him. She must have been worried sick about her poor grandson.”

Ethan hummed in agreement with a tight nod.

“When you’re ready you’re free to go.” He told her as he got up and left the room.

“Dr. Ramsey?” Casey called out. Ethan stopped in the doorway and turned around to look at her.

“Yes?”

“Thank you. For looking after me. Helping me recover. You’re a good friend.”

“It was nothing. I wasn’t going to lose you too.”

She smiled at him and he smiled back before leaving. Casey collected her belongings and was soon in a cab on her way to Rafael’s grandma’s house. When she got there, she paid the cab driver and stepped out, slinging her bag over her shoulder and looking at the front door. Before she could even walk up one cobblestone on the path, a short and delighted looking old lady came rushing outside.

“Thank you!” she half sighed, half shrieked as she hugged Casey tightly. Surprise spread onto Casey’s face. Rafael appeared at the door and chuckled.

“Vovo. Let the poor woman come inside first. I’m sorry Casey, she’s a... little excited to meet you.”

His grandma pulled away from Casey, beaming brightly.

“Don’t make such a fuss Rafael! This girl helped save your life! She should be thanked properly.”

Rafael chuckled again, standing up straight.

“Well shall we at least invite her inside?”

“Oh of course! How rude of me. Come in Casey, come in.”

She said excitedly, taking the young doctors hand and pulling her inside past Rafael who beamed at her happily. He closed the door behind them and followed to the kitchen, stopping next to Casey, leaning over and whispering to her.

“Two seconds and she already loves you more than me.”

“What can I say? I’m pretty loveable.”

“Can’t argue there.”

The two shared a smile as Rafael’s grandma turned back to them, with a plate full of pastries.

“Now. You two must be starving. I know for a fact you haven’t eaten since breakfast Rafael.” She fixed him with a stern look. and he grinned back sheepishly, grabbing a delicious looking pastry from the plate.

“Thank you vovo.”

“And you dear? What would you like?”

Casey looked at the plate considering her options. But her face fell, she wasn’t hungry right now, and she felt rotten for not wanting to choose a pastry. They looked beautiful and like a great amount of love had gone into making them. Rafael noticed the shift in her features and smiled softly, squeezing her hand under the table as he swallowed his bite of food.

“Vovo? Why don’t we let Casey rest for a bit first. She’s just left the hospital.”

“Okay. But I’ll leave these here for you two to enjoy. But don’t eat them all, I’ve got friends from bingo coming over later.” She smiled kindly and left the room, heading into a different one just down the hall. Rafael put his pastry down on the table and turned to Casey, a worried frown taking over his features as he took her hands in his.

“Raf?”

“Are you okay Casey? I’ve been worried about you.”

“Honestly? No. I’m far from okay.”

He sighed and pulled her to his chest holding her tight. Casey clung to him as if she was afraid he’d disappear when she let go.

“I can’t even go to the darn memorial. I led two people to their deaths, and I can’t even pay my respects and tell them how sorry I am. And I’m sure sienna hates me. I mean I practically killed the man she wanted to date. Or was dating. Whatever. She’s lost the first person who loved her and showed her how special she was. I took him from her.”

“Hey. Hey. Where’s all of this coming from? You didn’t kill them, Casey.”

“I may as well have done. Just took a knife and stabbed them, or a gun and shot them in the head. I got them trapped-, I got all of us trapped in that room. I could have killed you too. I could have lost you. The man I-” she stopped as a sob escaped her. Rafael sighed and held her close. Rubbing comforting circles on her back as she clung to him for dear life.

“It’s just. It’s not fair! I can understand that Travis may not have cared if he died. That he wanted the senator to pay for essentially being the cause in the death of his brother. But... why not let us go first? Why not let people who were just doing their jobs and saying goodbyes leave? Why did we have to be there? Why did Danny and Bobby have to pay with their lives? If anyone was to die. It should have been me.”

“Casey, no. Don’t talk like that! Please.”

“But it’s the truth isn’t it? I made the misjudgment of just barging in there. I discovered what was going on. I was the main catalyst in getting people hurt and killed. I hear voices. Their voices. They blame me. And they’re right. It is all my fault. It’s my fault Bobby won’t be giving his daughter that car on her 16th. It’s my fault that Sienna and Danny will never ever again go on a date or flirt or just be happy together like they deserved. I’m a monster Rafael. I should have quit when the situation with Mrs. Martinez happened. Not even fought to keep my medical license. It’s clear that I don’t deserve it.”

“What?! Are you mad? Of course you deserve that license Casey. You’re a brilliant doctor. How many people have you helped get on the path to recovery? Get completely better and given them plans to follow and the right medications to make sure they never have to step inside a hospital for the same reason again? If you don’t deserve that license and are such a monster of a doctor... why in God’s name did Dr. Banerji choose you to be the junior fellow? Why has he, along with so many others including me, supported you. Defended you. Time and time again when someone else berated you for making a mistake. One they would have probably made too if they were in your position. You helped save a woman’s life on your first day as an intern, and you hadn’t even gone through your orientation yet. You’re amazing Casey. Those are just a few of the many reasons I-”

Casey sat quietly, keeping her head rested on Rafael’s chest as tears streamed down her cheeks and she choked on quiet sobs. Part of her knew he was right. Everything she had, her second year residency, her place on the diagnostic team. All of it. She had it because of the people she met and impressed during her first year at Edenbrook. She got lost in her thoughts and suddenly inhaled a sharp breath. Rafael shifted, pulling back and looking at her.

“Are you okay?”

“...yeah. I- It’s just. Don’t worry. It’s stupid.”

“Nothing is ever stupid. You can tell me. What’s wrong?”

“Well.. I’ve almost lost you twice now. And I-”

He sighed deeply and pulled her back into his chest, wrapping his arms round her tightly, resting his chin on her head as he closed his eyes. Pushing back the tears that pricked his eyes and threatened to spill out and down his cheek, he give Casey a kiss into her hair.

“Casey?”

“Mhm?” she hummed, enjoying the almost comfortable peace of the moment.

“Shall we go for a walk? The air could do us some good. Plus there are some things we need to talk about, that I’d rather only our ears hear. For now at least.”

Casey shifted and looked up at him, they locked gazes and there was something in his eyes. A look that was similar to longing. She gave him a small smile and nod.

“Okay. Sure.”

He beamed back at her and called out to his grandma. “Vovo?! I’m taking Casey for a walk around the block. We’ll be back soon!”

After a response from his grandma, Rafael grabbed his keys and the rest of his pastry, before leading Casey outside and shutting the door securely behind them.

“Are you sure you didn’t want anything? I could go back in quickly and grab you something.”

“No thank you. I’m okay.”

With an indifferent shrug, he stuffed his keys in his pocket as he walked down the path with Casey following behind before they walked side by side. For the first few moments, they walked in a companionable silence. After that they got lost in conversation, it was mainly Casey listening to Rafael tell more childhood stories of his and pointing out places that held special meaning to him.

As they turned into the park, Rafael pointed to a tree.

“Let’s go and sit down for a bit.”

“Why under a tree when there’s a perfectly good bench there?” Casey giggled

“Why on a bench in the sun, when you can sit under a tree in the shade and stay cool?”

“Touché.”

They made their way over to the tree and sat at it’s base next to each other. He smiled as Casey automatically rested her head on his shoulder.

“Heavy head?”

“You have an idea of what this feels like? I feel like I...”

“Have a bowling ball for a head?”

They looked at each other and laughed as Casey nodded.

“Exactly that.”

Rafael smiled at her and they stared into the distance for a while before he cleared his throat. Casey turned to him with a soft smile.

“Are you okay? I haven’t asked you that for a while. How are you coping?”

“I’d say pretty well, all things considered.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I mean, yes I almost died. Sora broke things off. We lost friends. But... I’m doing good.”

“How about your grandma? Is she okay?”

“She’s thankful that I’m alive. But really? She’s just happy she can embarrass me longer.”

The two shared a chuckle at that. Then Raf’s face turned almost serious, yet it was still relaxed as he looked Casey in the eyes. Her breath caught in her throat as she took in his intense gaze and the way his eyes flicked to her lips. The energy between them became charged and Casey gave a small smile as she blushed lightly.

“You know. This isn’t just any tree. It’s the one I claimed would be where I start a part of my life I’m sure about.”

“That seems.. pretty cryptic Raf.”

“I suppose it does. What I mean is. When I was younger. I told myself when I find the person I believe is THE one. My true love. I’d bring them here, to this spot and we’d... well. Why don’t I just show you.”

He leaned in towards her, Casey’s heart starting to beat in her chest so hard she swore it was about to fly out as he cupped the back of her head and closed his eyes bringing his lips to her own. She felt her eyes close slowly as she started kissing his back. But this wasn’t a hot kiss. This was like one of those kisses in the movies. It was slow, patient, full of love and care. As he pulled away from the kiss, Casey opened her eyes slowly, looking up at him to see that he was blushing too.

“Wow.” She whispered, in complete awe.

“Yeah. Wow.” He agreed as he bit his lip, looking down shyly.

Casey pecked his cheek. “By the way.. whatever it was you ate a little while ago. It’s delicious.”

Raf chuckled at her comment shaking his head. Amusement dancing in his eyes.

“I just kissed you and you give my grandma the compliment.” He retorted with a playful and innocent smirk.

“Oh the kiss was great. Twelve out of ten, would 100% do it again.”

“You would?”

“For the rest of my life, Aveiro.”

“That’s a bold claim, Valentine.”

“You like it.”

“I can’t say that you’re wrong.”

“That’s because I’m not.” She said with a cocky grin. Rafael smiled at her before leaning in to share another kiss.

They stayed under that tree until the sun started to set, when they stood up Raf held out his hand with a questioning look. Casey smiled and took it, walking back to his grandma’s house. They talked some more on the way back and when they walked through the front door they were greeted with a delicious smell.

“Something smells good, vovo.” Rafael smiled as the two of them entered the kitchen, and he walked over, giving his grandma a kiss on the cheek.

“I’m making your favourite.” She replied happily. “Will the beautiful Dr. Valentine be joining us?”

Rafael looked at Casey who looked back at him with a shrug.

“I think she needs to get home. Her roommates are probably worried about her.”

The two turned to Casey as a scream escaped her mouth.

“Casey?” Raf questioned, concern in his voice.

“I left my phone here. I have 12 missed calls from Sienna, 5 from Jackie, 3 from Ethan, 8 from Elijah, 10 from Aurora, and... 25 from Bryce?! Oh good Lord there’s 165 messages in the group chat as well...” Casey sat down, looking pale and weak again.

Turning to his grandma, Rafael asked if she could watch over Casey for a minute and headed to the landline phone, dialing the number for Casey’s apartment. A frantic Elijah picked up.

“Rafael! Have you seen Ca-”

“Elijah! Calm down. Casey’s fine. She’s been with me pretty much all day. We’ve been in the park and she left her phone behind. She wasn’t ignoring you all intentionally. We were just spending some quality time together.” He explained, hearing a collective sigh of relief from people on the other end of the line as Elijah told them Casey’s fine.

“Quality time?”

“Yeah. We um.. We were enjoying each other’s company without the presence of phones.”

“Ahhhh. I see. Aveiro was making moves at last.”

“I was not. I merely... showed her around my neighborhood and sat in a park with her.” He retorted trying to throw Elijah off the trail.

“Uh-huh. We all know what happens in parks buddy.” Elijah teased.

“You guys are insufferable!” Raf exclaimed with a small laugh.

“Rafael honey. Dinner is almost ready. Come and set the table.” His grandma called from the kitchen

“Look. I’ve gotta go. But Casey’s safe. She’s okay. And if she doesn’t come home to night, she’ll be here. So stop worrying.”

“Mmm-hm. Have fun Raf.” Elijah commented slyly and then hung up. Rafael set the phone down and walked back into the kitchen looking a little dazed.

“Are you okay?” Casey asked

“I’m fine. Our friends are just very dirty minded and think we were doing unspeakable things in the park.”

“Oh no. Not their minds wandering again!”

“Yup.”

Casey groaned and hit her head on the table by accident as she sagged down.

“Ouch.” She said with a laugh, rubbing the spot where she hit.

That night Casey stayed and enjoyed a lovely meal with Raf and his grandma. It was dark by the time they had finished and cleared everything away. Casey asked if she could stay the night, not wanting to go out in the dark and home by herself. Deep down, the truth was that she didn’t want to go home to the apartment, and have to face another night of sleeping alone in silence, when the voices struck the most in the deafening silence of night. She showered and put on her last pair of clean pyjamas and laid down next to Rafael in his bed.

“I’ll try to make it to the couch before I fall asleep. I promise.”

“What if I don’t want you to?” he mumbled, turning onto his side, wrapping one of his muscular arms around her waist, pulling her close.

“I don’t think your grandma would be pleased if she found me here come the morning.”

“She’s nicer than that. She wouldn’t whoop my ass you know.”

“I know. She seems really lovely, but I wouldn’t want to get you in any type of trouble.”

“You know. Somehow I don’t think you could. Vovo loves you. I love you. An-”

Raf froze blushing as he realized he just said those three words. And so naturally too. Casey smiled at him softly and played with his hair.

“You don’t have to say it back.” He defended. “You can say it when you’re ready.”

“And what if I’m ready now?”

“Then... I wouldn’t stop you but, don’t feel like you have to say it just because.”

Casey chuckled at his cuteness and pulled his head to her chest, hugging him tightly.

“I love you too Raf. I think I have since that first time I saw you.”

“The feeling is very much mutual.”

They chuckled and settled down together, looking through all of Rafael’s old school books until they fell asleep, heads resting on each other. When His grandma came in to tell him to turn his light off, she smiled at the scene of books in front of them as Rafael snored softly, still loosely holding a book. She carefully moved the books, but still managed to stir them awake.

“Vovo. We weren’t-”

“Shh, it’s alright my boy. Just go back to sleep.”

“I should go to the-” Casey started speaking quietly

“No, no. I don’t wish for you to stumble.”

Casey laid back down and Raf wrapped his arm around her. His grandma tucking them in snuggly and giving her grandson, a kiss on the forehead.

“I have that ring. For when you’re ready.” She whispered in his ear.

He gave a soft smile in response as he fell back into a deep sleep, snoring softly once again.

#playchoices #pixelberry studios #choices stories you play #rafael aveiro #casey valentine #rafael x casey #open heart fanfiction #rafael aveiro fanfiction #choices fanfiction #choices open heart

[aisling-beatha]

One-Shot #2 [SFW]

The Walking Dead | Daryl Dixon X Reader

Warning: Mentioning of domestic violence, physical and emotional abuse

Daryl would never beat a woman. Hell, he'd probably never touch her unless it was utterly needed. His complicated childhood with the old man drinking his life away and his older brother constantly being high or in jail, Daryl quickly learned that with assault and battery, nothing would end well. Though he could still beat all the crap out anyone who even tried to approach the people he cared about. But manhandling a woman... That was too much for him. That's why it made his blood boil when he learned about your previous relationship.

You had been married to the man for a few years when the outbreak started. The thing started as something magical like in those novels you loved to read. At first, you couldn't believe to be lucky to have the man by your side, to share the bed with him. To share his name. Before he would take you to different places for your dates, and he never failed to surprise you with the choice. Flowers, lovely dinners, passionate nights spent together... Everything seemed to be a dream.

Your first year of life as a married couple went pretty well too until it changed. Your husband stayed late at work, coming home in a black mood. In the beginning, you didn't think something was off. You would still offer a loving smile and nuzzle closely to him at night. Anybody could have a complicated situation at work, right? That's why you didn't pay much attention again when he started to leave for a few shots at a bar with his colleagues. The man needed his space, you thought. It kept on going for weeks and months. Then it became worse.

Your hands were shaking, while you were doing up the buttons of the shirt. The fabric had to be dense enough to cover fresh cuts and bruises. Some of them were still bleeding. Thank God, the shirt was black.

You no longer saw the man you had fallen for. All the affection, all the tenderness he had possessed now were gone. Harshness and tyranny replaced them. He accused you of every failure in his life. And after all, he would take out all of the frustration on you, beating and humiliating. With days passing by, it only became worse. You no longer could go out without covering your full body: arms, legs, your neck, and shoulders. And the thing was, no matter what you did, you could never make him stop. You were scared for your life. But more than that, you were scared to leave.

Your single attempt resulted in you being taken to the hospital with a broken rib. Your husband followed you in and out, lying through his teeth about a terrible car accident. And for years after that, you couldn't find the strength to do that again. Eating the dust and silently praying to God every night.

By the time the group found the prison, you and Daryl had already gotten together. The man turned out to be a very gentle partner and lover. Which quite surprised you at first. Daryl was never the man of many words or showing affection, yet when it came to your being in the relationship, some things changed. Small touches here and there to provide comfort, patting shoulders or back, gentle kisses when nobody was watching. It seemed no matter what, he'd always put you and your safety in the first place, always making sure you weren't hurt, hungry or cold. It still surprised you sometimes how even small details couldn't escape him. Daryl instantly knew if something was wrong. The way your eyes would get sadder sometimes, your shoulders would tense up, could tell him more than words. That's why being in the relationship with him was so special.

Daryl had never laid a hand on you, but it didn't mean you two never argued. On a particularly rough day when you'd remember your ex, you would go to Carol. The woman became your dearest friend. There, sitting in the kitchen, you would silently cry to her, sharing your worries about your and Daryl's future together. You couldn't let a thought of him hurting you cross your mind. But every time you two had even a small fight, something inside of you was off. You didn't want to lose him, you couldn't afford to lose him. But after all, you were so damn scared of Daryl becoming your ex-husband. And every time you went talking to Carol, you'd be silently hoping that she would understand. And she did. She always did. Being in an abusive relationship with Ed, Carol now was the only person in the whole group who'd actually understand it. And every time you came to her, she would listen to you, and she would reassure you. Again and again. Daryl wasn't like your ex. Not a single thing about him was the same. Carol loved to tell you that Daryl was that kind of a man who'd love you for the rest of his life. He would die, and he would sure as hell kill for you. And at the end of the day, she was always right.

***

The run didn't go as smoothly as planned. You ended up encircled by a rather big herd that left you outnumbered. More than that, you accidentally dislocated your shoulder on your way back to the car. And by accidentally you meant tripping over a stone and falling right onto your rifle which, thank God, didn't shoot. But despite all the trouble, your group managed to find lots of supplies, including food and meds. And as soon as Rick set your shoulder, you took the way back home.

Back at the prison, you laid on the bunk in your and Daryl's cell, stretching out your aching body. Daryl, as it seemed, still wasn't back from the hunt. Though, he could be anywhere really. The man could be skinning his game in the kitchen or having his time in the guard tower. The two of you, after all, really respected one's privacy. Though, his absence made you worry. This morning you hadn't told him about your plans of joining Rick and others on a supply run. Daryl was an early riser, so he had gotten up long before you did and had gone hunting. Your thoughts were elsewhere when you heard Carol calling your name. She was passing by your cell when she stopped.

"He's back..." she said with a concerned look. "And he's in a bad mood."

You noded, getting up and muttering a quiet "thanks".

Of course, it couldn't be anything different. Daryl was angry with you. And now you could only hope it wouldn't lead to another devastating fight between you two. Daryl rushed into the cell a few minutes later.

"Hey," you said, trying to calm your trembling voice.

Daryl didn't answer. You saw his whole body immediately tensing up.

"Look, I know you're angry," you rubbed your face, looking away. "And I'm sorry."

You really did feel guilty for not telling Daryl about the run. But you didn't really have a choice. Your group needed supplies: medication, ammo, clothes, food after all. Everything was in short supply, and Daryl simply couldn't go out hunting every single day and night. Though he would, you knew that. So when Rick asked you to join him and Glenn on the run, you agreed without a second thought.

"You were already gone so I couldn't warn you. But I'm fine, see? I mean, nothing bad happened except for a dislocated shoulder, but that was just me being stupid..."

"Yeah?" Daryl cut you off. His harsh voice was like a rumble of thunder, echoing in the cell. "Stupid, huh? Wha' the hell were ya even thinkin'?"

He was looking at you with such an intense look, that he could probably kill with it.

"Ya weren't really thinking, were ya?!" Dary made his way up to you. "Being so reckless 'n shit."

You reflexively took a few steps back, feeling your back hit the wall. It happened sometimes during your small fights when Daryl would raise his voice on you but it never really affected you that much. But now, something about his mood was different. You saw his jaw tightened and a vein popping out in his neck. Daryl wasn't just annoyed. God, he was furious. You felt the panic rising up to your throat making it hard to breathe.

"I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you worry, I swear. Rick had asked me to join them... I just wanted to help" you mumbled, trying to justify yourself but the words were coming out jumbled.

"And if tha' asshole asked ya to shoot yourself, ya'd do tha' too, huh? 'Cause ya jus' wanted to help?!" Daryl was throwing his arms in the air, emphasizing every word, coming closer and closer. He almost pinned you down the wall, standing right in front of you.

Daryl was never the one to second-guess Rick's decisions. More than that, he would usually be the first to obey them. And it was a common knowledge that Rick would never put his people in danger, their safety was always in the first place. That's why you couldn't believe that Daryl had just said something like that. Eventually, Daryl was shouting something else to your face, but your mind couldn't catch up to his words anymore. You had ringing in the ears, and it felt as if the ground was slowly slipping away from under your feet. You had to bring hands to cover your face when Daryl took another step forward, as panic overtook you. You didn't even notice you were holding your breath until you started hyperventilating.

"Don't, oh God, please don't!" You started mumbling, closing your eyes and sliding down the wall on the floor.

You tried to make yourself as small as possible as the images of your ex filled your head, and you almost started to cry.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't..."

You were too caught up in your memories to notice the way Daryl's body went numb. He couldn't move, watching you in pure shock. Your eyes were shut, and you were trembling hard. Your mumbling turned into whispering as you no longer could register anything around you. It took him almost a minute to understand what was happening. And as soon as the realization of what he had done hit him, he fell onto the floor next to you, not even bothering for his knees. Daryl tried to reach you, touching your shoulder. Guilt washed over him as you flinched from his touch.

"Y/N... Shit, girl, 'm sorry" his voice cracked.

Daryl pulled you to his chest, stroking your hair, whispering apologies as tears filled his eyes. A shiver ran down his spine as he thought of the way he had approached you. Of what he had done to you. He didn't just shout at you. He made you afraid. You were still trembling, fighting off your anxiety when familiar smell and warmth surrounded you. As quickly as appeared, a vision of your ex escaped your mind, as you were propped against Daryl's broad chest with his hands around you.

It took you several minutes to calm down. You let a shaky breath, sniffing and finally opened your eyes, letting your arms stay around your middle. Your misty eyes met Daryl's terrified gaze. Another wave of panic hit you when you realized what just happened.

"I'm sorry, shit, I didn't want to" you tried to move, feeling the urge to leave and not to make things worse. But Daryl's strong arms just tightened around you, making it impossible for you to escape.

"Did ya... Did ya think I was gonna hit ya? Like yer ol' man?" Daryl asked after some time.

He was whispering, his voice uneven. His eyes never left yours as he watched you nodding slowly and hiding your face. He exhaled slowly, and you started to apologize again, feeling incredibly guilty for making him feel bad and insecure about himself. You knew Daryl would be beating himself up for what had happened.

"'M sorry" was all he could say.

You lifted your head again, watching the man closely. He had such a hurt expression that it made your heart ache for him.

"It's not on you, Daryl," you said quietly, resting your forehead on his shoulder and hesitantly hugging him back. "It's still hard for me to forget, you know... Sometimes I just forget he is not here anymore."

Daryl just pulled you closer, kissing the top of your head and closing his eyes.

"You're safe here. 'M not gonna let anything hurt you again. 'M sorry, I was an asshole to you."

Today, Daryl thought he lost you. You left. That was what he heard from others when he came back from hunting. He trusted Rick and Glenn to keep you safe but still every time you went out without him by your side, an obnoxious feeling would fill his heart. Daryl couldn't lose you. Not after everything you'd come through. You were the first one to show him what it meant to be loved, to be cared about. You proved him that, after all, he wasn't broken, he wasn't damaged. Yet, here were you. An angel, in his eyes. Daryl hated to see you broken, he hated that he couldn't help it too. If your husband had been still alive, Daryl would have killed him slowly, making up for all the pain he'd given you through years. Daryl somehow knew for sure that he just wouldn't make it, if something happened to you. Whatever it was in you that made him like that, he couldn't resist the desperate will to take all your pain. To make you forget.

"I'm a mess," you said quietly after a while. "You know that."

That wasn't really the question. Daryl knew you still had nightmares of your ex, you still tried to hide all old scars, you were still trying to find your worth. And Daryl was always there to help you.

"Ya ain't," he said in a gruff voice, pulling away to look into your eyes. He cupped your cheeks, whipping your tears with his thumbs and repeated himself. "Ya ain't."

Whatever it was between you two, it was nothing like either of you had before. You were still fighting your old demons, but as they say, you can't get away from your past. And as long as there's someone by your side, as long as someone's there for your battles, you're not too far gone.

#the walking dead #the walking dead imagine #twd fanfiction #twd imagine #daryl dixon #daryl dixon imagine #daryl dixon fanfiction #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon x you #reader

[solinposts]

I interrupt my normal programming of posts about movies, TV shows, art, books and everything I love, to tell you this:

If you’re thinking about sharing something about Venezuela, make sure you have all the facts and not just the Government-approved “facts”.

I get it. It’s difficult. The Venezuelan Government controls almost all the media, and those they don’t control are threatened into silence. So when you Google what’s going on, you’ll find yourself thinking we live in the most wonderful place on Earth. 

We don’t.

Here are nuggets of information that can help you understand:

1- No, what happened is not a coup. Guaidó is using our Constitution -articles 233 and 333- against Maduro, showing him that his illegal means to get things done have, finally, backfired. The figure of “interim President” is completely legal, and has been used by the Government before after an actual coup -but they’ve conveniently forgotten about it!

2- No, Maduro wasn’t elected in a "transparent” election. Prior to it, he: moved the date of the event to benefit him, imprisoned / disabled our main candidates, stole the National Assembly’s faculties -which was composed mostly of the Opposition after a massive popular election, and that pissed him off- and gave it to an illegal alternate Assembly appointed by him and his cabinet -which was supposed to change the Constitution, but later became an institution that could act above the law and responding to no one but themselves-, and changed the members of the Supreme Court and the Electoral Council so they were both composed mostly of -you guessed it!- people in line with his ideas.

Oh! And Smartmatic, the company in charge of those “transparent” elections Maduro-loving foreigners love to talk about so much, admitted the numbers given by the Government in favor of the illegal alternate Assembly had been tampered with.

So, what did the Opposition do? Tried to negotiate and to reinstate a more level ground with certain conditions, he refused and went on to do his election anyway. Which, by the way, had the lowest turnout in recent years, since people refused to participate in his sham.

Did he care?

No.

Now, tell me: after all that, would you have voted in that election, considering that glorious landscape?

Probably not. 

3- The Opposition isn’t perfect. They have done really shitty things and let down their own people over and over again. 

Still, today, we are in the hands of people who are completely inept at doing the only thing we pay them to do: care for their own people and managing our resources fairly. Because, remember: we owe them no loyalty. They’re our employees. The people we pay and trust to handle our resources correctly.

If they can’t do their job and people are suffering, dying and fleeing the country on foot, risking their lives in the process... we are just supposed to just...take it until they’re done screwing us over?

Why do we have to bear the people who have been in control of everything for almost 20 years and given away our oil and resources to Cuba, China and Russia?

Guaidó is a young politician. For many, he represents change, and we not only yearn for it, but we need it.

4- The Government relies on an empty ideological war to keep itself going. It’s easier to tell people that, sure, everything can be blamed on the U.S; instead of holding Government officials accountable for corruption, squandering and failure.

The worst part is: foreigners eat it up! They love the Venezuelan Government although they have never set foot in the country and would never give up their comfortable lives to come here.

These are also the same people who are very concerned about our oil and resources going to the U.S, but conveniently forget that:

a- our Government hates the U.S but has no problem receiving their mighty dollars after selling their oil almost exclusively to them -so the U.S already has most of our oil, darlings!

and b- our Government loves to buy allies like Cuba, Russia and China by giving away our oil and resources to them. But I guess being under the thumb of those countries is perfectly Ok. Good Imperialism, right?

5- No, your country isn’t doing worse than us. Yes, every country has violence and poverty, unfortunately. But let me give you a little list of what we’re going through:

- Famine

- A staggering scarcity of food, medicine, and medical supplies -which, by the way, kills patients in hospitals every day

- A high rate of child mortality, like never before

- Illnesses that had been eradicated are coming back

- An inflation rate around 1300000.00 -yes, that many zeroes!- percent 

- Our technology is mostly outdated, and anything new is unaffordable for a regular citizen

- We have one of the most dangerous capitals of the world, and people abandon the streets as soon as the sun comes down, out of fear

- There’s total impunity since our policemen have no resources -or legal ability, thanks to laws passed by Chavez and company- to actually get things done or protect us

- Suicide rates have skyrocketed in the last few years

- Many schools and businesses have closed because they can’t keep up with the inflation

- A large majority of the youth has left the country

... and I’ll stop there, because I could go on, but I think you can get a pretty good picture just from that.

So no. Things might be bad in your country, but if you go into a store you will probably see aisles properly stocked, and you probably don’t live with the crippling fear of getting sick or killed on the streets for that old cellphone that took months to pay. If anything, you can have hope. Which is something we lost a long time ago.

6- My experience is not less important than what you think you know. I’ve lived here for 27 years, and lived under this regime for almost 20 years of my life. I’ve lost friends, family, people I love. I work three jobs. I never have enough money to save and provide for a better life for my family. My grandmother and mother were middle-class women who worked all of their lives, and still, they have nothing left because we’ve had to use our combined savings to survive in the last 6 years.

My mother and I have cell phones, we need them for our jobs, but we don’t take them out with us anywhere because we know we could get killed for it. So when one of us goes out, the other stays at home praying nothing bad will happen to me/her.

We sold our second-hand car because we couldn’t afford to maintain it, so we depend on our feet and pitiful public transportation to get where we need to go.

We’re afraid of getting sick. And I haven’t had a check-up since 2016 -which was paid by my job at the time.

Still, I’ve had to deal with pro-Maduro foreigners since yesterday -like, for example, Boots Riley-, spouting “facts” at me and dismissing my struggle. Because, I guess, I don’t matter.

So, don’t tell me how the statistics you Googled have convinced you that Venezuela is a wonderful paradise and we all love Maduro. Don’t tell me that my experience contradicts what you think you know, so therefore I’m either lying or unimportant. Keep your Venezuelasplaining to yourself, because I have to actually live it.

So. PSA over!

There’s so much more to say, and so many things to consider...But for now, continue with your lives, and please help educate people outside.

We need it.

#venezuela #juan guaidó #nicolas maduro #politics

[dcnativegal]

Day 55 of Pandemic, & I’m sick

Monday, May 4, 2020. Day 55 of the global pandemic (declared by World Health Organization on March 11th.) We as a planet hit 3,500,000 cases today, and 250,000 deaths. There are many more than that, but the planet doesn’t have enough tests.  But then, there was this announcement:

So obviously we’re in good hands. [Sarcasm alert.]

 The entire planet has slowed down, such that seismologists can detect the quieting of the earth: less shuddering of industry, cars, construction. Check out the drop in electricity usage:

Here’s a bit of perspective from Instagram:

The Lesbians of Paisley have been fertile ground for viruses. Valerie is nearly recovered from the viral pneumonia she was diagnosed with on March 26 at the emergency room at Lake District Hospital. She’d begun to feel feverish and achy, with violent coughing on March 15th, 2 days after what turned into my last day in my office at the hospital’s primary care clinic, and a day and a half after we’d dined with our friends Toni, Al, Bonnie and Bruce in person, sans masks. We began 100% isolation from the outside world the minute she felt sick. She recounted the ER adventure to a friend thusly: We drove in and they have organized a system that resembles getting on a [military] base after 9-11. We sat in the pickup at the checkpoint until a somebody in protective attire had taken my temp and saturation levels and asked a bunch of questions. Then they slapped a red sticker on the dash, told us to park in the ER lot and "don't get out of the pickup." Five hours later I had donated blood and been CAT scanned. I had two pneumonia shots that were current and two flu shots, also current. They checked the blood against 14 different virus strains and came up blank. The chest showed white lungs and my saturation levels were iffy. So they used one of the tests they had been sent, gave me antibiotics (just in case) and sent me home. Took me three days to sleep off all that fun.”

Me and Griffey the poodle waited in the pickup for her. At every sound, he got up from the passenger’s seat and looked at the ER entrance where she’d disappeared. No Valerie? Back to sleep. I walked him 3 times.      Hope, her RN daughter, told us that her flow through the ER was great practice in maintaining distance and perfect hygienic process through the CT scan, taking blood, even pushing her food on a tray to her. Lake Health District Hospital is prepared, and still, technically speaking, zero cases in the county.

I was so anxious about her health, her ability to breathe, that I gave up all thought of working from home. I listened to her breathing and coughing, brought her tea, and finally, asked her to write out her last will and testament. She did, and put it away. I figured, her kids are wonderful and won’t fight about stuff but, better for her to express her wishes, even if the paper wouldn’t be legally binding.

Apparently, I get the FrankenDodge (the pickup which has hit one too many deer and who’s grill is sewn together by wire). I’ll take it but I’d much rather have her.

We waited 10 days for the nasal swab results. While we waited, she got better. Never had that cytokine storm, nor that respiratory crash. Storms and crashes; pretty apt words for the medical horror of end stage COVID-19. Once her test came back negative, despite the warning of her PCP who says that nasal swabs miss between 30 and 47% of positive cases, I was able to go to town on the 10th of April, get some software downloaded onto the computer so I could work from home, and hit Safeway while wearing a mask. I also dropped off one of Valerie’s homemade masks to a friend, along with some toilet paper illustrated with Trump’s kissy face. The moment of levity was greatly appreciated.

I started feeling lousy six days after my jaunt to Lakeview (April 16th). Cough and release of gook high up in my chest. Headache. No fever. Who knows if I have COVID-19. We listen to a British gentleman, Dr. Campbell, daily, as he reviews what’s going on globally, and he interviewed a woman who had exactly my illness course, before she moved on to fever and gastrointestinal symptoms. She never got tested. Too much hassle. Which is so ridiculous, criminal really, and in the USA, a direct result of American hubris and incompetence. Fine. Anyone with any symptoms of any illness is isolated until we have a vaccine and treatment, is my prediction. I’m still feeling shitty, though better. Started taking antibiotics just in case and in the hopes of recovering SOMEDAY.

 My son Jonah and his girlfriend June escaped just in time the terrible plight of New York’s COVID19 deluge of infections and hospitalizations. They’ve been in Baltimore at June’s mother’s beautiful home. He spent his 26th birthday in the basement because they were still in quarantine. See adorable picture, below. Now they’re allowed upstairs, enjoying the quiet. Apparently, writing and directing music videos is not an essential service during a pandemic, but he’s writing pitches and living off the most recent lucrative gig with Kesha, thank goodness.

One of the most moving things that is happening in the USA during this time is the 7pm clapping ritual for medical workers and first responders in New York City, in all the boroughs:

There’s a firefighter in DC who’s going to hospitals and nursing homes to play the bagpipe.

That’s where my daughter Clara lives, in DC, but right now she’s staying with a friend in Laurel, MD, since her group house dynamics are stressful and had a symptomatic guest at last report. She’s working from home to make sure the Latinx school children are getting the tutoring they need now more than ever. We worry about her husband Jose and his country, Guatemala, since there are COVID-19 cases down there, and refugees seeking asylum are being dumped there, with and without the virus. Over 700 cases in Guatemala as of today. We hope he will get to the USA this year. However, Trump referred to it as a shithole country, which doesn’t bode well.

My sister and her husband are well, thankfully. They work fulltime from home in the company of Pepper the cat and Darcy the chocolate lab. Yuuki, 25, stays there, too, mostly in their room; they are out of work and applying for unemployment. Kohji, age 28, works from home in DC and makes more money as a web designer than I ever will after 34 years as a social worker, but who’s counting. (I remember well the admonition of a field instructor back in 1987: don’t go into social work for Power, Pay or Prestige.) His girlfriend is probably out of work; she works for a nonprofit that plants trees in DC. Probably not essential work right this very minute. Makoto, 23, is out of quarantine and looking for something to do; he’ll be a senior at the University of Delaware this fall. As far as I hear on Facebook and email, the rest of the folks with whom I share DNA are well. So that’s good. I worry about my Aunt Mary Lee who is 87. But she says not to:  she’s fine and her ritzy retirement community in McLean, VA is on “lockdown.”

Psychologically, in the experience of quarantine and ‘social distancing’, there’s me, and then there are my clients.

My moods go up and down, but a little further down than usual. The terror that Valerie might die of COVID-19 has passed, but I figure I will always need therapy.  I have “Facebook messenger” video chats with my therapist, Darcy of Bend, every other week now, which helps. Having ‘Generalized Anxiety Disorder’ and a tendency toward major depression, I find therapy to be a corrective. A bimonthly tune up. Without it, I naturally veer toward negativity and neurosis, and a hypervigilance that served me well when I was a child, but is exhausting, overwrought and over-thought as an adult.

Psychologically, Valerie is always fine. Seriously. She was once told as a young woman by a therapist who’d tested her with the MMPI (the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory) that she was outrageously and puzzlingly normal. Now that she’s feeling mostly well again from the pneumonia, she’s been tearing up the joint, fixing the sump pump that apparently keeps this little house from drifting down main street on the wetlands it’s built on. Digging out the leaves from our irrigation ditch, chopping and clearing the wood from our front yard.

The BEFORE picture:

The AFTER Picture.

 And this happened one morning in March. Just a cattle drive past our front door.

Valerie’s planning a garden at her daughter’s place, which has a deer-proof fence and lots of sun up on the hill above us. A delivery of horse manure is scheduled, and the garden bed has been rototilled. Val’s granddaughter Jessica and her husband Alan are living up there now, working from home for their Portland-based gigs. They’re almost finished the 14-day quarantine since they moved down here. The new normal: anytime anyone leaves one locale for another, they disappear into strictest quarantine, not to leave their abode. Groceries are delivered to the doorstep. A recent day turned out to be Jess’ 25th birthday: I’d bought a canvas bag with a picture of a pug on it, like her dog Archie, and Valerie found something gluten free flour mix with fresh jam to give her. Birthday gatherings are suspect at the moment.

Here’s a lovely idea for quarantined birthday celebrations:

What a kind and generous offer.

Even in isolation, Val and I do socialize, on zoom. The one pictured below is church.

We ‘visit’ with our fellow parishioners from St. Luke’s on Sunday evenings. Then we say Compline together, from the Book of Common Prayer. My favorite prayer of all time is this one from that service.

Yes, shield the joyous. Because joy is fleeting.

Our writers’ group, Easy Writers, ‘meets’ on zoom every Monday now. I wrote this bit about my yarn for the prompt, ‘write something in your home that means a lot to you.’

I am doing a great deal of crochet and a little knitting.

Yarn is my comfort and my joy. It is the raw material I create blankets and scarves and hats with. My tools are hooks and needles made from wood and plastic and metal. My fingers are also my tools.

Some of the yarn is like cotton candy: spun mohair from a goat is said to have a ‘halo’ or ‘aura’ because of the gentle cloud of color you can see an inch or two away from the spun thread. Some yarn is like twine: you can see every string of ply. My favorite is merino wool and single ply. A unity of color that will not split. All for one and one for all, the fuzzy stuff is twisted and bound into a single string of strength…

My clients are stressed out. The pandemic adds a layer to the stress they were already experiencing. I listen and knit, from within the cocoon of the yarn room which my folks can see behind me.  One of my clients wanders about with her phone in her hand while I get slightly dizzy. I like this kind of counseling since I get a glimpse of my clients’ homes. Reminds me a little bit of being a geriatric care manager. You can tell a lot about a person from their home. From my home you can tell that I have a lot of yarn, and I work multiple projects at a time because there are piles of them alongside my recliner.  

One of the sad weights of being present for my clients is their level of estrangement for most if not all social connections, especially people with whom they share DNA. And every single one has what is called in the mental health world “complex PTSD” from multiple traumatic experiences.  I sit with them, on the phone or via video. I hope to model for them what Carl Rogers called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ I breathe deeply to release my own distress at their sadness. We explore one tiny step toward reducing their isolation, the sense of trust. All during a pandemic where other people could be carrying a potentially deadly virus.

It’s no wonder I’m pawing mohair out of screen for my own comfort.

Sometimes I email clients links or articles on how to keep their spirits up, or about good things that are happening instead of the dire predictions they’re listening to or watching. There is much to share that is hopeful.  I sent one to a client on creative ways to care for everyone and she shot back:

“I believe this is Liberal rhetoric. 

Esp the paragraph below:

 This current emergency provides the possibility for a new emergence—the birthing of a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people and the living Earth. “

Oh well. We can’t have a truly civil civilization dedicated to the well-being of all people, now can we?

Sigh.

 Brilliant writing is being penned right now, since the entire planet’s human inhabitants are barely one degree of separation away from this virus, which is apparently ‘barely alive’ and therefore hard to kill, as it spreads onward to make millions miserable and hundreds of thousands die.

I’m saving articles from The Atlantic, The NY Times, and the Washington Post, and following a historian named Heather Cox Richardson who writes a daily blog called Letters from an American. In a recent post she writes:

“The big news … has been the ‘protests’ of state governors’ stay-at-home orders and mandatory business closings to try to contain the novel coronavirus …These protests are a classic example of trying to control politics by controlling the national narrative. The protests are backed by the same conservative groups that are working for Trump’s reelection. …These are not spontaneous, grassroots protests. They are political operations designed to divert attention from the Trump administration’s poor response to the pandemic. Even more, though, they are designed to keep the American public divided so that we do not protest the extraordinary economic inequality the pandemic has highlighted.

These protests have diverted the national conversation by turning a national crisis into partisan division along the lines the Republican Party has developed since the 1980s... The change of subject protects not just Trump but also the ideology at the heart of his Republican Party. Since 1981, Republicans have argued that the economy depends on wealthy businessmen who know best how to arrange the economy—the makers-- and that it is vital to protect their interests. Under their policies, wealth in America has moved upward. The pandemic has highlighted how these policies have removed economic security for ordinary people. They cannot pay their bills, and they might well turn against an ideology that uses our tax dollars to bail out corporations while they must risk their lives to pay their rent.”  [Emphasis mine]

I am so glad someone smarter than me can reveal the interconnections of what’s going on politically.

There is food for thought on Facebook and Instagram: in the guise of a rewrite of Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese, this poem.

Mary Oliver for Corona Times (after Wild Geese)

by Adrie Kusserow

You do not have to become totally zen, You do not have to use this isolation to make your marriage better, your body slimmer, your children more creative. You do not have to “maximize its benefits” By using this time to work even more, write the bestselling Corona Diaries, Or preach the gospel of ZOOM. You only have to let the soft animal of your body unlearn everything capitalism has taught you, (That you are nothing if not productive, That consumption equals happiness, That the most important unit is the single self. That you are at your best when you resemble an efficient machine). Tell me about your fictions, the ones you’ve been sold, the ones you sheepishly sell others, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world as we know it is crumbling. Meanwhile the virus is moving over the hills, suburbs, cities, farms and trailer parks. Meanwhile The News barks at you, harsh and addicting, Until the push of the remote leaves a dead quiet behind, a loneliness that hums as the heart anchors. Meanwhile a new paradigm is composing itself in our minds, Could birth at any moment if we clear some space From the same tired hegemonies. Remember, you are allowed to be still as the white birch, Stunned by what you see, Uselessly shedding your coils of paper skins Because it gives you something to do. Meanwhile, on top of everything else you are facing, Do not let capitalism coopt this moment, laying its whistles and train tracks across your weary heart. Even if your life looks nothing like the Sabbath, Your stress boa-constricting your chest. Know that your antsy kids, your terror, your shifting moods, are no less sacred than a yoga class. Whoever you are, no matter how broken, the world still has a place for you, calls to you over and over announcing your place as legit, as forgiven, even if you fail and fail and fail again. remind yourself over and over, all the swells and storms that run through your long tired body all have their place here, now in this world. It is your birthright you be held deeply, warmly, in the family of things, not one cell left in the cold.

-Adrie Kusserow

 Not one cell left out in the cold. Yes.

There is so much to be grateful for. I have a place to live, and even while paying off my bankruptcy debt, I have plenty. Enough that I can make small donations here and there. Here’s one cause I found: supporting foster children who were in college and now have no place to go. (Terrible visuals for the logo: it’s “Together We Rise.”)

Soon, the nights of below freezing temperatures will pass, and both Lesbians of Paisley will be healthy at the same time.  Perhaps I’ll get my Tricycle-for-Grownups serviced and toodle around for exercise. Perhaps the Stitch & Bitch knitting/crochet gatherings will resume, maybe in a park for physical distance and social connection.

And maybe I’ve already had Covid-19, and so has Valerie. Looks like 50-70% of all the people on the planet, not quite 8 billion humans so maybe 4 to 6 billion people, need to catch this thing in order to give our species herd immunity. Or WILL catch it because we have no way to stop it, only to slow the infections so that health care is not overwhelmed. We live and Love in the Time of Coronavirus, to paraphrase Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I maybe a libtard, a snowflake, a lily-livered liberal, who’s heart bleeds. But I agree with this sentiment, found on Facebook, our American ‘commons’:

Love absurdly and abundantly, my people. And wash your hands. 

#covidー19

[villlaneve]

Life Update (I need help)

Hey, everyone. I’m sorry I haven’t really been active on here for quite a while. I want to explain myself. Just making this post has taken me lots of time and courage to get myself to do it but here I am.I feel hesitant to share this, as I don’t want this to seem like a pity party and feel like I should have higher standards for myself and should be able to do this on my own. My therapist and others have told me to be kinder to myself and cut me some slack once in a while so here I am.

I felt guilty reblogging posts on Tumblr after not having the energy to do so in a while and I wasn’t caught up with the shows so I punished myself by saying I shouldn’t be able to reblog anything. I will try to stop this way of thinking and am happy to go back to my usual reblogging after this!

What’s the problem?

I’ve been suicidal and struggling with depression since I was 16. I am 23 now and feel like I haven’t really accomplished all that much even though my therapist tells me that fighting for mental health and the way I am doing it is progress as well. I can’t really work up any energy to get up out of bed everyday and when I do I feel empty and can’t get myself to do things I enjoy. I can’t remember the last time I was able to read a book. My attention span and concentration is basically non existent so I cannot even watch the few things I can’t get excited about. TV shows such as Killing Eve, Supergirl and other female centric shows are the few things I DO get excited over and can find the energy to enjoy. I follow the posts on tumblr about Supergirl but the last time I watched an episode was about 6 months ago so sometimes not even that excitement makes me able to focus and watch what I love. Focusing on anything feels nearly impossible.

You can imagine that applying this to every day situations it gets even worse. I’ve lost my job around October and have so much anxiety and fear about applying somewhere else. Trying to get into new hobbies that could motivate me to do anything like photography or making videos on youtube is impossible without the money and right equipment. I grew up and still live in a household where if something I do isn’t perfect then it’s bad and doesn’t matter at all. I apply it to every action I take and am trying to actively unlearn it but so far it isn’t working. When a task or opportunity appears all I think about is the possibility of failing and not being good enough so I end up scared and freezing up. I do nothing. I can’t apply for a job or a university/apprenticeship because of that fear and have been stuck in the past few years of my life.

Why don’t you get a job/degree?

I want to address my university education. University in Germany is quite different than in the US. You choose a major once you start university and that’s what you’re stuck with. I got scared after already taking a gap year right after high school and started studying something that ultimately I realized was not right for me. I convinced myself that I should just finish it and work hard and that it could be right for me. otherwise I would be a failure once again. I froze up and stayed in this path. Except eventually I stopped going to classes all together and became more and more depressed and desperate as I did not know what to do next. I don’t know who to ask for help and am scared to do it to begin with.

I finally worked up the courage to apply to a different major earlier this year. That opportunity fell through/I did not get the spot and now I am back to not knowing what to do. Starting another path and applying for spots even if I decide what to do is going to lead me to more freezing up and thus more complications. On top of all this there is another factor that’s weighing on me.

I am in a long distance relationship and have been since I was 18. This relationship gives me a lot of strength to go on and try fighting but at the same time it is another pressure and weight on top of everything. As my girlfriend lives in the US and her plan is for me to move there, originally I was supposed to be finished with my degree at this point. 

Now I am still basically at 0 and cannot move to the US in the foreseeable future. I’ll have to finish a degree here for 3-4 years, find a way to see if my career path is even transferrable to the US. Speech therapy is an apprenticeship here; a german system that includes school and work experience at the same time and lets you start a career after finishing it; its an alternative to a university degree in a way. I feel like the pressure of tests, writing papers and failing at a university is too much for me too handle with my mental health anyway and the only universities that offer speech therapy as a university  degree are private and cost money that I cannot afford!

We try to make things work and see eachother as often as possible but financially making a transatlantic flight work and having to pay for food, transportations etc everytime I am visiting her 1-2 times a year is getting way too much for me to pay for. Especially now that I do not have a job. Only having to do this for another year or two would have been fine but now it will be another few years before we can even think about me going there. Safe to say this is a hard situation and is putting a big strain on our relationship, financially and emotionally on both sides. Having to spend so many more years apart and not knowing how to afford to see eachother. My mental health is blocking me from finding a job to start alleviating the financial side of this at least and I am frozen in panic and fear.

Why don’t you get help? You can go to a hospital or clinic to treat this

I would like to add that on top of all this most of the friends I did have here are on a semester abroad or have moved out of the country all together. Despite that I am glad to have my family and the 1-2 people I see about once a month to give me comfort. It gives me a bit of levity and strength and I tried checking myself into a clinic to face my fears and mental health problems head on. However, they completely isolated me from any cellphone usage there and going outside at any time. Visitors were only allowed on weekends. I had no way of communicating with anyone aside over a landline and only in very limited time slots (that landline was broken for several days when I got there mind you). I had to scramble to somehow find a way to talk to my partner with her buying a skype international landline and even then most of our calls were spent with us trying to find a way of when we could talk the next time and being frustrated when things would not work on some days because of commitments. If there was a change of plans there was no way for me to call her and let her know something was up. Only she could call and it was anxiety inducing for both of us having no way to reach out to eachother. The people there all had their own issues and as a person who already worries about triggering other people being around very emotionally vulenrable people only and upsetting them (they told me all the things I had done wrong during a group therapy session) launched me into the worst panic attack of my life. No one checked up on me after in the clinic and I no longer felt it was the right or safe place for me and had to leave. Moreover, having a 1 days notice on when I’d get into the clinic  They gave me no time to prepare for these new and extreme conditions (they called me and said I have to decide on the spot if I wanted to come in tomorrow, otherwise I couldnt come into the clinic until March next year).

I am thankful to be back in the little safety net of therapy, being in the city I love with cafes and parks that can somewhat relax me and calm me down and my cousin and aunts to support me. Unfortunately, my parents put me under pressure to “contribute” more in the household. I never know what “enough” is. Everday I get home and do chores I live in fear that it is not enough and will result in them yelling at me again claiming arbitrarily that what I did was not enough in their opinion. Things are tense to say the least. They want me to start something and get better with my mental health but never really offer to help me themselves and I feel lost and alone. Because of this treatment I always feel that nothing I do is good enough and I can’t/shouldn’t even try in the first place. I am never sure if the standards they set for me are too high or if I am just being whiny and weak or not good enough objectively?

What part of this is my mental health? am I just being lazy? are they right? 

Here is the part I feel especially guilty about: Asking for help.

I wanted to accurately explain why and how I am struggling. I hope at least some of you can empathize and understand why this seemingly easy situation is so hard for me because of my family history and mental health.

Money doesn’t buy happiness but it does help alleviate certain financial problems. Being currently unable to get myself to get stable income I feel even more stuck and am struck with panic about how to visit my girlfriend at all.

What will you do when you have money? How will you spend it?

I am commited to fixing my mental health and will do weekly updates on what progress I’ve made. Therapy, looking into speech therapy paths, finding deals and dates for the cheapest possible flights to the US, hobbies like photography or making videos. Having people looking and validating the process makes me feel like I can do this and gives me a project to focus on. I just hope for your kindness to spare any money you have to contribute to bettering my current situation. If you want me to write anything for you, I am happy to just tell me which pairing and the general plot idea and if you want any specific things included. I’ll sincerely do my best.

Moreover, the money would truly be spent on what I need to get better and stabilize i.e. medication, plane tickets to see my girlfriend, equipment for filming/photography, semester fees and occasional mental health treats like going out to a warm cozy cafe to relax and not be faced with the constant stress and pressure at home (max. 15€ a week). I am happy to document these spendings for you. 

As soon as my life has stablized enough and therapy or others around me have helped me to get back on my feet, get a stable income, etc you don’t need to feel an obligation to donate and I can take my posts down if necessary.

My PayPal is https://www.paypal.me/ninin96 and I am truly grateful for anything you are willing to give me or comission me. 

Thank you for your time.

#personal #I am happy to add receipts/pictures etc of me being in a clinic #plane tickets etc #and ofc I would do this when planning all the updates and the thing on spendings #anything helps #this would literally save me so much stress/anxiety and help me work on myself #like I said I am happy to do comissions #I realize my writing in this is not up to par but it was because its basically my life story #and something that is still so raw and confusing to me

[chinchinobcena]

The Day I Attempted To Kill Myself

Behind this smile is a story of a woman who attempted to end her life. Yes, I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE that’s why I got hospitalized. I’m posting this not for attention because when you’re depressed, all you want is to be alone in your bed or just be with very few people you trust the most and feel comfortable with especially just the love of my life (he was my family and made me feel like I was never alone). And it was hard for me to find the courage to share this because I don’t want to be judged. It’s just such a chaotic world out there… Anyway, I knew there was something in me for more than a year or two already. But I never faced it because I thought I can manage it. Mind over matter, right? Get a hold of your feelings, just do the things that make you happy, surround yourself with good people, stay busy with work that you’re passionate about, and inspire people the best way you can do… But at the end of the day, it’s still there. And as time went by, I got worse… I came to a point where I’m scared of so many things, I cry over people leaving as if they died. I felt so lonely (even when I’m not). When I’m around people I’m not close with, it suffocates me, I just want to go home or be on my phone. I feel so walled, I’m scared of everything and everyone. I always assume that everyone I meet will just leave anytime, like people just come and go… I always had a hard time sleeping so I’ve been drinking Benadryl before. But I’ve still been so anxious and sad even if it made me groggy. I had episodes—I was sad and crying, sometimes without a reason even. There’s just something inside me that I can’t control, AT ALL. There were months I couldn’t eat, and when I was just about to take a bite of my food, it makes me want to vomit. And then I helped myself get up again. And it became a cycle. I’d tell people, I was just on a diet…

I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with clinical depression. She first asked me why I was there and I said, “I’m tired of fighting this everyday and it makes me sadder how it affects the people around me especially the people I love.” My medicines have been working well and sedates me at night so I can sleep. I became my old self again—jolly, talkative, I don’t run out of stories to tell, annoying and makulit. It gave me hope and every day my boyfriend would remind me that I’m strong and I’ll get through it. He made me believe more in myself, he made me feel like I had a support system. But at the same time it makes me sad how I affect him and how he has to deal with me like this. He never made me feel like I’m a burden, but I always think that I am. He doesn’t deserve someone like me.

While taking medications, I looked for other things to do so I won’t depend on meds. I started playing games, watching netflix, reconnecting with old friends, and learned to rest. Because all I did before was to work—I only get up to work, go to events, take photos, finish deadlines, do unboxing, create whatever content. Yes, that makes me happy, but the pressure and knowing that it’s all work also drains me at some point. But I promise it’s my passion and it’s what makes me happy and keeps me going. I also like the feeling of how I make people happy and inspire them, all their messages on Instagram help me to keep going too. But then eventually, I felt like my body got used to the meds and it’s like I became immune from it.

Oct 31, my Tito and Tita went home to the province but I couldn’t cause I had work for Halloween. Nov 1, my body felt so tired, I felt sick too. The whole building was quiet, and all I saw on Instagram were people with their families. It was sad but I was still okay watching Dynasty. But every after a few hours I’d go to my bed and just relaxed my body and then watched again. It was only my boyfriend’s presence (through text) that didn’t make me feel lonely. I was so excited for him to be home so I can see him on FaceTime. He wasn’t my world (because I do so many things everyday and I don’t always get to see him), BUT he was my hope, he gave me hope, and he made me believe in so many good things in life. Everytime I see his face, I just get sooo happy and I make a lot of chikka to him that sometimes it’s too much that he couldn’t absorb everything anymore but I see it in his eyes how happy he is too seeing me lively and talkative and excited about my kwentos. Nov 2, I was so down and crying because idk maybe bec I’ve been in my condo alone for days or my meds weren’t working anymore, idk if I needed a higher dosage, but my mistake was I never messaged my psychiatrist about it. I called my boyfriend crying, I “needed” him again. And eventually, I couldn’t take being a burden to him or to anyone anymore. I can’t always be a burden to people I love. I love him so much and I just felt like he deserves someone better and I shouldn’t be his responsibility. I wanted him to have a better and happier life—everyone wants that. But at that moment, I just realized I’m already too much for anyone to handle. Too much for my friends, too much for all my loved ones. So I decided to take my life away…

I always thought that nobody loves me as much anyway, and maybe they wouldn’t even mind if I die. Cause I’m just a burden to people I love. And just always wearing a mask in front of other people pretending she’s that jolly funny talkative girl. I just got tired of myself and got tired of fighting… The normal dosage of my meds are Tab A (¼) and Tab B (1 whole), so I took Tab A (¼ x 48) and Tab B (1 whole x 10). I wrote a letter to my mom saying, “I love you… I will always be here…” and messaged her “I love you Mama.” Because we were never the cheesy type but I just really love her for whatever. And then I messaged my Tita that I overdosed myself. She and my Tito went all the way from Tarlac but I was already unconscious/sleeping idk when they arrived. I barely remember things because I took so many meds, all I remember was my Tito, Tita, Mom and my boyfriend were there in the ER. And lastly, that my boyfriend kept hugging me and kissing me on the forehead before he went home telling me to be a good girl and that he will message me. I held on to that... And that moment I realized there were people who really love me, that I actually mattered. I suffered so much in the hospital and until now. The feeling is just so bad. And I was having withdrawal syndrome, that I just wanted a successful suicide yesterday. I couldn’t find any reason to live. There was nothing else on my mind, but to end my life. My mind was vague because of the withdrawal, like it’s also withdrawing my brain (char). I just don’t want this to feel so heavy for you guys. But kidding aside, my friends had a hard time stopping and controlling me and they made me realize that what I was feeling was just the withdrawal and I shouldn’t let it get into me. I was still supposed to be in the hospital, but I forced them to discharge me because being there made me feel worse, sad, and sick. It’s like I’m in a cage and there was nothing that could make me happy. I want to heal naturally, choose to heal with a healthy mindset, but still see my psychiatrist of course.

All I wanted to avoid was to be a burden that’s why I wanted to vanish but I just ended up hurting the people who love me. I just became a total burden rather than not at all. All I feel right now is guilt, I hurt the people I love. And if I actually died, I would regret seeing them affected and carrying what I did for the rest of their lives. I just want to say sorry to everyone I’ve hurt, it was just really hard for me fighting my depression everyday and seeing people having the “responsibility” to make me feel better so I chose to end it all. To the people going through something, never be afraid to seek for help, and I promise you there are people who genuinely care. Don’t ever feel like you are a burden because if they truly love you, you never will and they will help you get through it without even asking for it. Because that’s what my boyfriend kept telling me but I just let my depression win me over. Please trust your loved ones more than that depression that kills you inside. Don’t let all the love and effort they did for you to be put to waste. The only way you can pay them back is to help yourself get better, trust them, and keep yourself alive even when it’s hard. Sometimes, if you can’t do it for yourself anymore, do it for the people you love, it helps to be strong for the people you love too.

I actually wonder why I’m still alive cause I really took a lot of meds to make sure it comes to an end. But as my friend told me, “Surely you’re not meant to die yet. Your life still has a purpose, there’s a reason why you’re alive.” And maybe this is it, sharing my experience and realizations to the world. Let’s all help each other and not only think about ourselves. Be positive even when it’s hard. But don’t bottle up your feelings, and let it out once in a while. Balance is key.

Never beat yourself up, you can still start over. Believe that it will all get better… You have no idea how much courage it took me to share this to the world so please, be strong… I just want everyone to believe that life is worth living. When things feel heavy, just look at the people who love you and it will all make a difference.

I’m sincerely sorry to all my loved ones for trying to take my life away. It was so selfish of me. When all my boyfriend did was to make me happy and help me get through everything...

To my boyfriend, hurting you was the last thing I would want to do or should I say I WOULD NEVER WANT TO DO and I fucked up, and made you go through the worst... It breaks my heart to know that I broke yours. I’m deeply sorry and I know it will never be enough. If only I can take it back to take away all the pain I’ve caused you, I would. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I love you so much. And I will never put all your love and effort to waste, I will be better. (Just had to write it here, because messaging him directly won’t help him and won’t make things any better…….)

I don’t care about what people think of me now. If some of you are gonna be judgmental or whatsoever. Cause I tell you what, I never believed in depression before and I thought it’s all in the mind. And this life changing experience proved me wrong. But I know there are still people out there who have a big heart and I hope you could help people who are in need and make them feel loved, especially your loved ones. I kept this from a lot of people even my close friends because I didn’t want to be judged. I don’t feel embarrassed nor scared about it anymore. I accept myself for what I am. And I choose to pick myself up to be the best that I can be.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still normal. I just have episodes of sadness especially when someone triggers it. That’s why I only surround myself with people I trust and I’m comfortable with. Their care just calms me and makes me happy.

Just 5pm today, for the first time, I went to a Psychologist. And this is what he told me, “You may not see it now but you’re in the process of seeing life in a deeper perspective. There’s a reason why you didn’t die.”

I don’t want anyone, in any way, to feel sorry for me. All I want is for everyone to learn from this whether you’re depressed, just around a depressed person, or none at all.

There’s still so much to say but I’ll end this here.

THIS IS ME, CHIN CHIN OBCENA, RAW. I AM CLINICALLY DEPRESSED BUT I SURVIVED AND I WILL BE BETTER.

#suicide #suicidalgirl #attemptedsuicide #depression #clinicaldepression #depressionph #philippines #manila #blogger

[hollandroos]

The price we pay | Seven

Series Masterlist

Summary: A one night stand was all it took for your entire life to change. You’re shoved into unknown territory, agreeing to fake date the prince long enough for his parents and the media to get off of his back only there are a few issues… one of them being that you really can’t stand each other.

Words: 2.4k

Warnings: Uhh hospitals. kinda shitty writing.

You saw fear and pain before anything else.

You see the fear in Toms' eyes, consuming everything else he was currently feeling. It was the only emotion he could currently feel, and the only he found himself being able to express.

It wasn’t that Harrison was mildly allergic to the blue fruits, he was deathly allergic. That was if he didn’t get help.

And you saw the pain in Harrison's. He clawed at his chest, blunt nails somehow leaving raw, red marks down his throat and Tom fought to grab his hand, clutching it tightly as the medics came rushing in. He was in too much pain to be afraid of the outcome, too focused on the air that wasn’t slipping into his lungs

Tom held onto Harrison like he was his lifeline. Like, if Tom let go of the other boy even for a single second he’d lose him and you couldn’t help but think that maybe they’d been here before. Maybe even more then once. The fear and pain on either boys’ face terrified you to no end.

Please be okay.

Tom and Harrison both knew that the situation wasn’t as bad as it seemed. That part of the reason the boy couldn’t currently breathe was purely that of panic. A panic attack.

You stayed at the back, watching with a frozen figure as they rushed around to help him.

Harrison wanted to tell you not to blame yourself. That this was nothing. That this had happened before and that he’d be okay and he just needed some medical help and a moment to breathe but he can’t speak. How were you supposed to remember?

Tom remains with his knees against the tiles as they take Harrison out, you stand with your fists clenched, trying to comprehend everything that had happened in the last ten minutes but you simply couldn’t. He looks so broken, scared.

Food stains the floor, cutlery surrounding the two of you and suddenly you’re alone and it’s eerily quiet when moments earlier it’d been hectic. Now, you weren’t so sure you liked the silence. It left a bitter taste in your mouth but maybe that was the second round of bile.

Fuck, please be okay.

Tom clambers up, dusting himself off and moves slowly as if he too was trying to work out everything that had happened. But he’s not, because Tom is internally screaming– breaking the god awful silence as he tries to forget what had just happened. To stop replaying everything that had just happened before it drives him crazy like it had when he was only a kid.

You swallowed harshly, hand moving to grab Toms arm and he turns to look at you, tears welling in his eyes. Your mouth moves open and shut like a fish but no words come out. Not until his fearful gaze turns to an angry one and suddenly you’re consumed with guilt.

No one dares to come in while Tom is still in there. The cleaners and chefs wait outside to clean the mess with their arms folded across their chests anxiously as they listen in anticipation at the small exchange, peeking through a crack in the door. It was wrong.

“Tom–”

He tears his arm from your grip, the first of many tears slipping. He doesn’t want to collapse in front of you.

“Don’t.” He mutters harshly. You don’t blame him. “For once just… don’t.”

That one, four-letter word held far too much meaning. Don’t speak to me, don’t try and make this better, don’t try and comfort me and don’t try and apologise. He doesn’t want to hear it when everything is still fresh, wounds open and aching more with every touch.

You let him walk out, feeling your own knees shaking with fear before you collapse, hand only just missing a puddle of blue stained pancakes and all you can do is stare. Seconds later a handful of cleaners come in, sharing pitiful looks as they glance down at their prince’s partner.

You don’t hesitate to begin to pick up pieces of the broken bowl, resting it carefully on the palm of your hand.

One lady comes up to you, her hair pulled back neatly into a bun. Wrinkles line her forehead. She climbs down onto her own knees and offers to take the shard of broken glass out of your hand. “Ms, we can do that.”

“No, it’s okay. Let me help.” You say, shaking your head. They offer you remorseful looks. “Please, let me help.”

“You really don’t have too.”

You sniffle, biting your bottom lip and just miss accidently slicing yourself on a shard as your eyes grow teary, vision blurry. Suddenly Toms shirt felt too tight and the pants felt a little too clammy.

-

Tom sat in the hospital room with his head in his hands, staring down at the floor. It was the only place he actually felt he could look because if he looked up, he was met with the sight of his best friend in the hospital bed. The sight horrified him, bringing him back to a time he’d worked so hard to forget.

Back then though, Harrison was much smaller then he was now. Now he was fully grown– or close to it and much more aware of what had happened. Back then Tom was much smaller as was Harrison and daring the small boy to eat the blueberries off of the tree was done for fun, a small joke– until his face paled. Tom remembered the overwhelming guilt that occurred that day and for many weeks after.

This was just like last time, except last time Tom couldn’t reach the hospital bed to hold Harrison's hand and last time Tom had been the one at fault. This time he wasn’t, though he couldn’t help but doubt that.

Harrison blinked repeatedly, eyes trying to adjust to the blinding light and he found himself coughing, nearly choking on his own saliva as he came back to reality. He didn’t have to ask where he was or what had happened, this wasn’t his first time in this situation but all he knew to do was to glance to his right.

And as the blonde suspected, Tom sat in the chair already staring up at him with guilt written all over his features.

“Hey.” He croaked out, still facing his best friend.

“Hey, how do you feel?” Tom asks, forcing a smile.

Harrison chuckles lightly causing his chest to rumble before he coughs. “I’ve definitely felt better.” He pauses, “Where is she?”

Tom winced as Harrison pressed on the subject. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t spent the last two hours thinking about you, running over every possible outcome to the situation. He ran over every one that ended in him letting you go more then once, because that’s what you wanted, right?

“Back at the castle, I kind of just ran out.” Tom swallows harshly, back of his throat burning as he holds back his tears. “We don’t need to talk about this now, not after you just woke up. How do you fe–”

Harrison wasn’t having it.

“Did you guys speak?” He cuts his best friend off, something only you or Harrison would ever dare to do. Besides Harrison, machines beep and that was the only thing cutting the awkward silence between the two.

Tom shakes his head, wetting his lips before he speaks. “No, I just left her there when you got taken away. I just… I just couldn’t speak to her after it happened.”

“Tom, I know you better then anyone and I know how much you really like that girl. Don’t let her go over one mistake.”

One thing Tom hated admitting was that Harrison was always right. He was wise beyond his years when he wanted to be.

“One mistake that nearly cost you your life.” The royal points out, reddened eyes evident to his best friend.

Harrison shakes his head in dismay, “Like I said, one mistake. You two need to stop butting heads and remember that you’re in this together and I know that this means more to you then some silly deal. She means more to you. You can’t be afraid of love forever.” Harrison spoke as gently to his friend as he could despite the desire to slam his head into a wall. The answers were right in front of him but Tom was always stubborn and the hardest part of this all? You were stubborn too.

Tom knew Harrison was right but didn’t want to admit it to himself. He claimed he was still in shock after this morning and put his head in his hands, groaning to himself.

“We butt heads, it’s what we do.” He sniffles and jiggles one of his legs up and down. Down the hall, nurses ran back and forth, trying to contain the floor but inside room 178, Harrison and Tom sat calmly. Though neither were feeling calm at all. “She’s stubborn and I push her limits. I don’t know what we’d be without that.”

“Without that you’d be boring.” Harrison laughs. “It’s okay to forget about the bad and let yourself be happy, Tom. Just let yourself be happy.”

“What if I can’t?”

It was a deep-rooted fear of Toms. the fear that he’d never be happy– never let himself be happy. That there’d always be something standing in his way.

“If you don’t jump you’ll never know, right?” Harrisons' voice was slightly strained as he spoke. “Take the shot and see what happens. Trust me on this one, she’s good and she’s good for you.”

She’s good for you.

Tom didn’t know that for sure, at least not yet anyone. At this point he wasn’t sure of anything and he felt that he’d made the kingdom take a back seat as he thought about and processed each of his own feelings. It was something he’d been taught not to do but here he was.

-

Guilt taste like salt. Sometimes It tasted like the bottom of the bottle and sometimes it was the feeling after heaving everything you’d eaten in the last twenty-four hours into a toilet bowl but instead of bile sitting in the back of your throat, it’s fear.

Guilt was a sick, cruel emotion and probably the most overbearing if you let it. It takes a hold of you and makes its way through every corner and crevice of your mind until it’s two am and you’d gone through enough tissues to fill an entire bin.

Sometimes it was writing poetry into a crusty notebook about all the times you screwed up and everything you could’ve done to prevent it and sometimes it was going hungry the next day as your stomach feels practically nonexistent or facing the opposite... eating too much– but when the guilt takes over there’s no such thing as too much.

You knew people that were afraid of the feeling. People pleasers who would do everything in their power to prevent the emotion but that wasn’t you. You tended to ignore its existence but now, however, you understood just why people avoided it at all costs.

It’s a proven fact that when you’re unbearably sad you seem to think that everyone around you is happier but not this time. You were just as aware of everyone else’s emotions and especially the way they moved around you up until you finally locked yourself in Toms room.

Your foot had been tapping against the floor impatiently as you wanted for any kind of news– hopefully positive news. No one came in and no one bothered you and you swore you’d never felt so alone as you waited there for him.

You were filled with the desire to pick at your nails and twirl your hair and pace around the room and fulfil all of your nervous little ticks but you knew that nothing could help this situation. Next to you, your phone sat untouched, Toms contact open yet you dared not to touch it because time was the answer, right? Time heals everything, right?

One thing time had given you was a crush on the prince, someone you swore you wouldn’t fall for yet here you were, worried you’d broken his heart before you even had it. As well as your own. His room was clean, not a crumb insight yet the duvet you sat on was creased.

You thought about his curly brown hair that flopped over his face when it wasn’t styled, the small creases beside his eyes when he smiled and the fact that he so often seemed to stuff his hands in the pockets of his pants when he had nothing else to do. For a second your heart rate slows down and you’re thinking about the laughter that erupted from his chest when he pulled you into the mud back at your house.

Then the door’s pushed open with a shove and Tom steps in, tear-stained cheeks and a dry throat. He’d ignored everyone on the way up, a series of calls and hollers by workers as he headed straight for his room with a pounding head. All he wanted to do was sleep but he also knew that with this amount of anxiety coursing through his veins that wasn’t going to happen.

Yeah, Tom had been crying over the whole incident earlier but he had also been crying over the decision he had to make between his heart and his head.

His heart wanted him to be happy but his head was telling him that no matter what he did, it wouldn’t work. You couldn’t make it work because someone like you simply wouldn’t want to be on the throne. Tom knew you were a free spirit with a desire to do whatever you pleased and a distaste for fitting in, for following order. You wouldn’t be able to stand it and he wasn't willing to strip your life away for you.

And he finds your E/C eyes hesitantly, stepping back when he finds you on his bed because Tom had expected you to have gone home ages ago. But you sat there patiently, hands pressed against the duvet and the biggest, worst lie Tom could’ve spoken right then was that he didn’t want you there.

Because he did want you there, and any anger that picked apart his heart was ceasing.

“We need to talk.”

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