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osamusriceballs · 4 months

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24 hours of Christmas <3

Different haikyuu characters x reader

Warnings: None

Words: ~ 2,8 k

A/n: 24 different haikyuu characters and each will get a ~100 words drabble about how they spend Christmas with you! All soft and gender neutral I think (tell me if I missed something though), no warnings here! <3

5:00 am - Ushijima

"Toshi?"

You sleepily reach for him and grab his shirt. He pauses and turns to you, just a dark silhouette in the dimly lit room.

"Go back to sleep, y/n. I'll be back when you wake up." He talks lowly, but his deep voice still fills the room in a comforting way. Reassuringly, he grabs your hand, and his thumb rubs circles on the back of your hand. "I thought you'd stay with me. It's Christmas." He hesitates and thinks about this for a second. Then, you feel the bed dip under his weight, and he pulls your body against his. "You're right. I should take a rest day. And it's Christmas." He maneuvers your body until your back presses against his chest, his warmth making you feel comforted instantly. His body entangled with yours, that's how you fall asleep again with a content smile on your face.

6:00 am - Yamaguchi

Craftsmen start their days early.

And craftsmen also work on holidays.

Two things that you had to get used to after dating Yamaguchi Tadashi for years now. Your boyfriend has to work the early Christmas shift today, which is not surprising to you.

What you didn't expect, though, was to find a fully decorated table with breakfast and a sweet note when you wake up too. "Merry Christmas! I'll miss you today, my love! Enjoy your present and breakfast and wait for me until I'm home - I want to spend the day with you <3"

7:00 am - Tendou

"Babe," he grins while he presses a kiss against your lips. You can taste the chocolate on his lips; he probably stole a bit or two while preparing all the Christmas cakes at work. "Satori, why do you still have so much energy? You probably worked 8 hours non-stop." You sleepily smile back and grab his shirt weakly to pull him in for another kiss. "The thought of coming back to you filled me with energy. Wanna spend the day with you and watch cheesy Christmas movies. I have a list of the most trashy romances. Wanna get started now?"

You groan and rub your eyes. "Maybe just a short nap? And then we can get started?"

"Okay, babe. But I might eat your special Christmas cake while you sleep." He grins mischievously, and you gasp while you hastily push back the blanket and chase him to the kitchen.

"Don't you dare!"

8:00 am - Hinata

"Shoyo," you giggle while he buries his face in the crook of your neck, feeling his soft hair tickling your cheek. "I don't wanna get up, y/n. Let's stay in bed a bit longer."

"You told me that there is a Christmas volleyball match. You told me it's a great idea to go there." You softly laugh when he whines while he keeps you from getting up. "I know. But maybe it's a bad idea. Maybe we should just stay here." You know that he's not serious, so you decide to play into his game. "Yes, Tobio can tell us about it later, huh?" Hinata raises his head instantly. "No way! Y/n, we need to go. Come!" He gently grabs your hands and directs you to the bathroom, and you let him lead you with a smile.

9:00 am - Nishinoya

"Look at this!" He excitedly points towards a dolphin, and you quickly snap a picture with your camera. "I got it, Yuu!"

If somebody had told you that you would spend Christmas in the middle of nowhere in the ocean, you would have laughed. But here you are, with only Nishinoya Yuu and more fish than you could ever count around you- and you actually couldn't be happier. "Do you want to go diving later? I have all the equipment for us." You grin and nod enthusiastically.

"That sounds great!"

10 am - Tsukishima

"Did you see my glasses, y/n?"

"I didn't- wait, I got them." You fish for them on the table, and he stands perfectly still while you place them on his nose. You smile and press a quick peck to his lips, ignoring his playful snicker after the action. "I should probably get a new pair anyway. My eyes got worse lately." He sighs, and you grin mischievously.

"Maybe you'll get a new pair from Santa tonight? Do you think you've been a good boy?"

He rolls his eyes, and you whine when he squinches your cheeks. "Careful, or else you will not get anything from Santa this year too."

You freeze at his words, thinking about the beautifully wrapped gift that you have spotted under the tree.

"I'm sorry, Kei! Please forgive me! Hey, don't walk away. KEI!"

11:00 am - Sugawara

"Did you-"

"Yes, I put the salad in the car already. We're ready, y/n, don't worry." He looks fondly at you, and you embarrassedly rub the back of your neck. "I just want it all to be perfect."

"I know." He caresses your cheek and looks into your eyes. "And it will be perfect. As long as we're together, it will always be." You nod and place your hand over his, feeling his warmth against your cheek. "Let's go then?"

His hand moves to your hand and grabs it gently.

"Let's go."

12:00 pm - Oikawa

"How does it feel?"

"How does what feel?"

"Knowing that you'll get the perfect present tonight?" Oikawa smiles, and you pretend to think hard for a second.

"I don't know. You tell me?" His eyes widen, surprised, and then he laughs happily. "I can't even fight with that. You always have the best presents for me."

You playfully puff your chest, and he laughs even louder.

"That's why I love you, y/n."

"I love you too, Tooru."

1:00 pm - Kageyama

"Tobio, can you help me with the dress?"

"Yes." You hear him yell, and after a few moments, you find your handsome boyfriend in a suit right behind you. He is quick to move behind you and to close the zipper of your dress, his hands warm and skillful as he makes sure not to twist the zipper in the process.

He looks at you when he finishes, and his gaze softens.

"You look amazing, y/n."

"You too." You smile, and he leans down to peck your lips quickly.

"Let's go then?"

2:00 pm - Bokuto

His hand grabs yours firmly, and you thankfully scoot closer to him. He wraps an arm around you, and you feel warmer instantly. "You okay, baby?" You nod and smile at him, and he grins almost blindingly at you. "You look so cute, baby. With your cap and your scarf." He pecks your lips, and you grab his hand a bit tighter, already getting flustered.

"We have to hurry, though. Or else we'll be late at my sister's." He pouts cutely, and you quickly peck his lips to cheer him up - successfully. "Don't worry. We'll be on time for the Christmas dinner."

He nods at your reassurance and wraps his arm around you, and you cuddle against him while you both enjoy each other's near.

3:00 pm - Akaashi

"Keiji?" "Hmm?" he hums and raises his gaze. "You're reading a Christmas story, right?" He nods, his eyes following you curiously when you simply lay down on the couch and rest your head on his lap.

"Do you want to read it to me?"

He smiles and caresses your cheeks lovingly. "It's a funny Christmas story, actually. It needs a bit of proofreading, that's for sure, but it has potential."

You smile at him, leaning your face into his palm.

"Sounds good. Read to me then?"

"Yes, my love."

4:00 pm - Osamu

His arms wrap around you, and you smile when you feel his chest pressing against your back.

"What's my lovely wife doing here? Smells delicious." He buries his nose in your hair, and you smile while you pat his hand on your stomach.

"Just some Christmas cookies. Do you want to help me with the frosting?"

"Hmm." He nods but makes no attempt to move but continues to hold you. "Samu?"

"Just a little bit longer. Missed ya all day." He tilts your cheek and presses a slow, loving kiss against your lips, and you happily return it.

5:00 pm - Aran

"Have you seen the-"

He stops mid-sentence when he sees you with his Christmas-themed tie. You shake your head with a smile while you come closer to help him with it. "I can't believe you're actually wearing it. It's a fashion crime."

He sighs, his eyes closing for a short second while he probably regrets ever having met the Miya twins. "I'm sorry, love. It's just one night. I'll never wear it again. We can burn it after that."

You softly laugh and rest your hands on his broad chest after you finished fixing the tie. "It's okay. I will not leave you because of a piece of cloth. No matter how ugly it is." You scrunch your nose when you look at the atrocity adorning your handsome boyfriend's chest, and he laughs softly at your words.

"That's why I love you."

6:00 pm - Suna

"You're just like the Grinch." You scrunch your nose and look at your husband. He just rolls his eyes and darts towards the Christmas tree. "If I'm the Grinch, then why are there multiple presents for you under this tree?" You cross your arms in front of your chest and pout.

"Why don't you want to watch the Grinch then?"

"Not wanting to watch the Grinch makes me a Grinch?"

You quickly realize the holes in your argumentation and make an attempt to leave the room in silent shame, but Suna is quick enough to catch you and to wrap his arms around you.

"Nah-uh, no escaping from the Grinch. Come on. Let's watch it then."

7:00 pm - Matsukawa

A lazy grin is on his lips when he bites into the last cookie, his eyes rolling back at the exquisite taste.

"Don't you dare to finish this one alone! I swear to god, I'll leave you! I'll hand in a divorce, Matsukawa Issei! No more Mrs. Matsukawa, just imagine how lonely and cold your bed will be without me!" You playfully throw your hands and give him the most intimidating glare you can manage, and he is quick to surrender.

"I give up. Come here, Mrs. Matsukawa. I saved a whole cookie for you." He grins even wider when he shows you another cookie that he hid in his other hand, and you smile and sit down next to him.

"I actually love you, hubby, you know that, right?"

“Are you only saying that because you want the cookie?“

“…is it working?“

8:00 pm - Asahi

"Come here." He opens his arms, and you quickly join him on the couch and allow him to wrap his arms around you. You rest your face against his chest, and he presses a kiss to your head.

"That was a great first Christmas together." You nod and turn your face to him, only to see him watching you with soft eyes. "I think it was great too." You glance down towards the Christmas sweaters that both of you are wearing, the ones that he actually designed himself and feel your heart swell with affection and love for this man.

A great Christmas indeed.

9:00 pm - Hoshiumi

"I can't believe you beat me at golf." He sighs and falls dramatically back to the couch, and you move around the humongous Christmas tree to follow him. "It was literally Wii Sports. I don't even think the console is properly working." You lay down next to him, and he wraps his arms around you energetically. "No, babe. I just have the best partner ever. Someone who is able to beat a professional athlete at Wii Sports? That's either a Christmas miracle or pure talent."

You giggle and allow him to press a kiss to your lips.

"Maybe both."

10:00 pm - Sakusa

You place the last plate in the dishwasher and finally turn on the machine. "I'm done with the kitchen, Kiyoomi!" You yell and grab a bottle of mulled wine and two mugs.

"I finished the living room too." You hear Sakusa answer, and he suddenly appears behind you in the kitchen while you set a pot on the stove and empty the bottle into it.

He raises an eyebrow and looks at you. "Do you want to drink a glass with me?" you ask, and he nods. "I definitely need it after today." He groans, and you softly laugh. "I'm just glad that I got to spend the day with you. No matter how stressful it was." He smiles and pulls you against his body, and you happily wrap your arms around him.

"I love you too."

11 pm - Atsumu

"Not to be that person, but there's a mistletoe above us."

"And?" You put your hands on your hips and look at your blonde boyfriend with a pout. "And that means we have to kiss." He taps his lips with his finger, and you softly laugh at his cute pouty face.

"No, I meant, and why aren't we kissing already?"

You giggle when he eagerly places his hands on your hips and leans down to connect your lips with his, and you wrap your arms around his neck while you kiss him back.

"Merry Christmas."

12:00 am - Kita

"We should go to bed." You yawn and look at the fireplace in front of you, already dreading to leave the warm spot. "We could also sleep here? I can get the blankets and we'll just stay here?" You look at him with stars in your eyes at his words, and he can't suppress a fond smile at your reaction. "Sounds good!"

It doesn't take Kita long to come back with enough blankets and pillows to make you feel like you're in your actual bed. "I think that's enough, Shin. Just come here, please?"

He nods and quickly joins you under the blankets.

And that's how you fall asleep - wrapped in each other's arms while the room is softly illuminated by the fire.

1:00 am - Kuroo

You frown upon noticing that the light in the living room is still on. Slowly getting to your feet, you move towards the living room, where you spot your husband on the couch, softly snoring despite the brightly lit room. He was probably quite tired after the Christmas party at work that, unfortunately, you could not attend. Quickly dimming the light, you go back to the living room to grab a few blankets before approaching him. You set the blankets down and gently work on his tie- and he suddenly blinks tiredly at you.

"Y/n?"

"Shh, it's me—just let me remove your tie, then we can go back to bed." He hums softly, and when you caress his cheek, he turns his face towards you and kisses your palm.

It doesn't take long for you to get under the sheets with him comfortably, and he instinctively wraps his arms around you, pulling you close.

"Good night, Tetsu."

"G'night, love."

2 am - Kenma

"Merry Christmas, everyone. I'm gonna go now."

He skims through some comments, and his eyes linger on one.

"Where is y/n? Y/n will come tomorrow. If y/n's up for it, we might stream together."

He smiles at the prospect of seeing you tomorrow—finally. It's been way too long. "Y/n and I will just stay at my place tomorrow. Nothing special planned. We haven't seen each other in a while, so we just want to relax and catch up."

His eyes suddenly spot one comment from a user that is well-known to him, and he feels a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Miss you, my kitty. See you tomorrow! <3"

3 am - Makki

"I can't believe that we played Monopoly till 3 am."

You try to hide your yawn, but he definitely notices. "It was a great gift from me then, right? We should get some rest, though; you can barely keep your eyes open."

"You're right." You yawn again, and he gently grabs your hand, helping you get up. "Come on, y/n. Enough Christmas Monopoly for today. Let's go to bed."

You nod, and he says, "I don't know if you have enough money to pay for a night with me. My cuddles are expensive." He looks at the non-existent amount of money on your side, and you playfully smack his arm.

"Hey! Careful, or you can sleep on the couch!"

"Please, no!"

4 am - Daichi

"Sawamura?" You yawn when the bed dips with his weight, and a rather cool body presses against yours. "Sorry, love. I didn't mean to wake you." You blindly press a kiss where you suspect his lips are but only find his cheek, and he softly chuckles. "Let us catch some sleep, and then we'll have our fancy Christmas dinner, okay?"

You nod and press yourself closer against him, happy that he is finally here with you in bed.

"Sounds good."

#haikyuu #haikyuu christmas special #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu fluff #I will not tag 24 different characters under this lol #this would take waaaay too much time lol #merry christmas everyone! <3 #I opened a bottle of wine and thought #why not?#ENJOY! <3 #I hope you like it! <3 #it's almost 3 am thooo #I'm really tired #can't even read this properly again #hope it's fine! <3 #LOVE YA! <3 #I hope you had a great day <3 #let me know which one is your favorite! I want to write a full fic tomorrow! <3

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rillils · 3 months

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i hate my angst loving self so much sometimes

think about a confused and not-entirely-there bucky screaming at steve, asking him why he left him there on the snow, asking why he didnt come back for him, telling him how long he waited for him to come and save him

FINE HONEY, YOU WANTED ANGST, I'LL GIVE YOU ANGST. AND I'LL CRY ABOUT IT 😭

warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, tw: suicidal thoughts, very mild gore, nightmares, post-catws, angst is definitely not my thing what am i even doing here asjdhsjdh wordcount: 3815 a side note: while the language here is used in accordance with steve's profound sense of guilt, it doesn't reflect the author's personal beliefs on the matter - aka IT'S NOT HIS FAULT SKDLKS MY POOR BABY 😭😭

It always starts off quiet, like the darkened hall of a theater in the split second between the curtain opening over the stage and the actor’s first line. Silence, please. The show is about to begin.

The scenery changes sometimes, but it’s the mountains Steve sees most often in his dreams: the soulless gray of stone, and the blinding white of snow coating everything, from the peaks, to the valley, to the copse of fir trees, huddled together like children in the cold. Just like he remembers from that day in the Alps. No one knows how to torture him better than his own mind.

The wind rises sharp and icy, lifting sleets of frost with it, and a chill rolls down Steve’s spine. It’s not the cold, though.

It’s fear, congealing like a dead weight in the pit of his stomach. The show is about to begin. And he’s watched it all to the end countless times before.

“Steve?”

His head whips around, and Bucky’s right there, like he always is. A fixed point, unchanged, unmovable, his boots sinking soundlessly in the thick layer of snow beneath them.

He looks so beautiful, so oddly alive against the backdrop of his desolate place; a man at the peak of his youth, the pink of his cheeks nearly glowing next to the deep blue of his uniform, his hair combed to a movie-star shine, parted neatly to the side. It’s cruel, how perfect he is. Preserved like a cherished heirloom in Steve’s mind, never fading, never aging; a living picture, soft and rosy-cheeked. He belongs in a dance hall, in a crowded street, in the cheerful chaos of the fourth of July, in the color and noise of fireworks, in the tangle of ooh’s and aah’s under the firelit sky. He doesn’t belong here. But he’ll never leave this place.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky’s head tilts to the side, confused. “You left a long time ago.”

“Bucky,” Steve tries to say, but the name dies on his lips.

The light in Bucky’s eyes dulls to a flicker, carrying a heavy gloom over his features. He looks so sad, all of a sudden. He never looked sad when Steve was around, Steve remembers that – and Steve never learned how to make it better.

He can never make this better.

“Steve.” All the color’s draining from his cheeks, quickly, leaving only the paleness of death behind. His eyes – they pierce right through Steve, empty and cold, so cold, and Steve shudders from head to toe.

“I waited for you for so long,” Bucky’s blue lips say, with a mournful lilt Steve used to hear in his mother’s voice when she would sing to him, all those heart-twisting songs about a home she’d never see again. “Where were you?”

Something dark spreads from within across the pristine blue of Bucky’s coat, dripping slowly from his shoulder, black like ink–

blood

– smothering the rich color underneath, reaching down, down–

he fell

– down along Bucky’s arm, until it’s streaking the back of his hand–

blood, it’s blood, he fell, he’s going to fall

– pooling ruby-dark at Bucky’s fingertips.

Soon the drops will spill all over the fresh snow, staining it red, too.

“You left me here.”

Steve can’t breathe.

“Why did you leave me here, Steve?”

Steve can’t breathe.

“I’m so sorry,” he gasps, and the next breath stings in his lungs, ice-cold and merciless, “I’m so sorry, Bucky, so sorry. It’s all my fault, all my fault,” he chants, hands clawing at his own chest. But what will it help? He can’t undo this. He can never undo this. “I should have held onto you,” he sobs brokenly, and it’s strange, how he can never tell when he starts crying in his dreams, but he always feels the tears streaming down his face, real as his grief is real, clogging up his throat. “I never should have let you fall.”

Bucky steps forward, dark blood trailing behind him on the ground. Steve’s heart jolts like a spooked horse, pounding loud and fast with adrenaline.

“Why didn’t you look for me?”

He sounds so gentle. So devastatingly sad.

“Did I mean so little to you?”

Steve shakes his head, No, no, no, everything, you meant everything, always, I swear, tears flicking off the edge of his jaw to be lost in the snow-packed wind. “I t-thought you were dead,” he sobs, like he’s still curled up into the blown-up flank of that train, like he’s still got his face pressed to the ice-burn of its metal and praying for everything to end, now, before reality can reshape itself around him and tell him that Bucky is gone forever.

Something mean slithers behind Bucky’s eyes. “And you would have left my body to the wolves?” he says, his voice dangerously sharp over the moaning wind. “You didn’t think I deserved a proper burial?”

It’s snowing on the outside, but it’s inside that Steve feels ice gripping at his guts.

“You could have sent me home to my folks.”

It burns.

“To my sisters.”

It burns so bad, the shame crackling under his skin.

“At least then my family would have had a body to cry over. But it never even occurred to you, did it.”

Steve’s tongue feels glued to the roof of his mouth. “I’m so sorry,” he pushes out uselessly, “I’m so sorry, I should’ve–”

“Or did you think that I was like you?” Bucky presses on, a cruel sneer forming on his white face. “Is that it? You fooled yourself so nice, you really thought I was like you? Like poor little Stevie? With no one left in the world who would miss me? No one who would even care if I was dead or alive?” He pauses, lips curling as though a new and amusing thought only just occurred to him. “Oh. Stevie, no. Did you think you were my whole world? Are you really that pathetic?”

“No,” Steve rasps, swallowing back tears and still drowning, drowning in them, “I never thought, I never– Please, Buck, I’m so sorry–”

Bucky’s silhouette blinks in and out of sight, and when he comes back, one moment later, he’s standing right before Steve, so close he need only reach out to touch him. His sneer is gone, but the depth of hurt in his eyes slices at Steve’s heart just as sharply.

“They took me, Stevie. You left me behind and they took me. Look,” he says, showing Steve the torn flesh where his left arm used to be – it was here just a moment ago, it was, Steve could swear it, it was right here – the bloody pulp of it, a frayed shard of white bone jutting out through the ripped muscle, sickening. His mouth, when Steve can finally look back, is curled back to show his teeth, the smile almost kind if it didn’t feel like a knife tearing at Steve’s own flesh. “This is all your doing. Isn’t it pretty?” Bucky tells him sweetly. “Tell me it’s pretty, Steve. Tell me it’s pretty.”

Without warning, Bucky’s hand darts up to clamp around Steve’s chin, gripping his face viciously. His touch is like ice, searing painfully into Steve’s skin, and Steve staggers in place, helpless but to look right into Bucky’s wide, desperate eyes.

“I was so scared,” Bucky whispers, hot tears spilling over his deathly pale cheeks. “I was locked in that place for so long, I couldn’t tell day from night anymore. It was so cold, and I was so alone, so alone without you, Stevie.”

His fingernails claw into Steve’s skin until they’re drawing blood, and Steve can only sob, can only take it, can only hope this will sate the hollowness he sees in Bucky’s eyes, if only for an instant. But it won’t, he knows it won’t. It never does.

If he could kneel at Bucky’s feet and beg for his forgiveness, keep him warm with the heat of his own tears, wash the blood away–

“I thought I was going to die. Every time they dragged me back to that table, I would tell myself, this is it. This is how it’s going to end,” Bucky tells him gently, nodding his head. “Sometimes, I even thought I should end it myself, before they could. But do you know what the worst part was? I didn’t die. No matter how bad I wanted it, none of the stuff they put me through ever did it. Hope kept me alive,” he snarls, soft through his bloodied smile. “That was my curse. I believed in you. I thought you would find me, save me. I told them you would come for me, and they laughed in my face, Stevie! They knew better.”

The sound that spills from Bucky’s mouth is the twisted, poisoned imitation of a laugh, emptied of all feeling, sharp like fingernails scraped across a blackboard.

“Don’t say that,” Steve whimpers, shaking his head, “please, don’t say that, no.” And he’d cover his ears if he could, lock that ugly truth out of his mind forever, but no muscle in his body will move until Bucky’s done with him.

“Do you know what happened then, Steve? You do know, don’t you?” Bucky asks, thrusting his face into Steve’s until only mere inches separate the tips of their noses – his eyes staring into Steve’s, a creeping echo of insanity gleaming from their depths. “They took my arm first, and then they took everything else.”

Hell. This is Hell.

“Because of you.”

This is what true torment looks like. No fire and brimstone, no howling souls of the damned, no blazing hail raining down upon him.

“It was always because of you.”

Just him and Bucky’s ghost, and a winter that never thaws.

“Bucky...”

The snowstorm rises against him with violence, angry, roaring in Steve’s ears, spreading frost over his chest, his arms, his bare face, freezing the tears caught in his eyelashes. Quiet, it demands. Don’t you speak to me. You have no right to speak to me.

But the yawning hole in Steve’s chest won’t stop screaming at him, starved for forgiveness, for a respite, for a mercy he never earned.

“Please, Buck... please...”

Bucky’s hand guides him down, pushing him to his knees. He crouches over Steve, gaze locked with his, heedless of the blood dripping dark and thick between his fingers; leaning in like he’s about to share a secret.

“I held out until I just couldn’t anymore. I tried to be strong, for you,” Bucky says in a harsh whisper. “But you never came.” His face, twisted by grief, wet with new tears. Steve cups it in his palms, but it’s no use: he can’t soothe this hurt. It’s too late now.

“Bucky, Bucky, sweetheart, forgive me– please, forgive me...”

Bucky’s grip on him relents; his fingers smear red over Steve’s cheek, four bloody streaks, and he strokes his knuckles over them, unbearably gentle.

“I waited for you for so long,” he says, mournful. His face is as cold as ice between Steve’s hands, stinging, burning. “Why didn’t you look for me?”

It hurts, it hurts so bad, so deep inside Steve’s heart.

“Why didn’t you look for me?”

The wind surges up around them, rattling Steve’s bones from within. The snow’s soaking into his pants, swallowing up his knees, colder, colder, the blizzard’s smothering him, blinding him, only Bucky’s eyes bright in his vision, crying, accusing, screaming, screaming, screaming–

“WHY DIDN’T YOU LOOK FOR ME?”

Steve jerked awake in the darkness, gasping for breath, a handful of sheets clutched dangerously tight in his fist. He barely even registered the soft, alarmed noise coming from the other side of the bed.

“Steve? It’s all right, you’re safe now.”

His eyes scoured the dark bedroom frantically, fighting through the chilling veil of ice still creeping at the edge of his vision. His heart hammered loud like thunder in his ears, pulsing so wildly in his throat, he thought for a moment that it would burst out of his body.

“Steve.”

Where was he?

The mountains–

“It was just a dream. You’re safe now, I promise. You’re home.”

His gaze focused on the only source of light: the faint glow filtering in through the blinds, the familiar orange hue of the street lights in their neighborhood, casting a striped pattern on the floor. A rug, there was a rug there – and a pair of slippers flicked just a bit too far from the bed.

“Come back to me, baby.”

The crumpled lumps of two discarded socks, that never made it to the hamper – oh, Bucky hated it when he did that.

“Sweetheart, can you look at me?”

A flicker of white–

– snow–

– Alpine, uncurling from her favorite spot and slipping soundlessly out of the room.

“Can you look at me? Steve.”

He turned his head towards the sound, staring wide-eyed into the shadows until finally, the outline of Bucky’s body emerged, sitting only an arm’s length away from him.

“That’s it, that’s good, Stevie.”

There was kindness in his voice, but his brow was creased with worry. His torso was half-twisted towards Steve, his body poised as though ready to reach out for him, but Bucky hadn’t touched him yet. Good, that was good. No. It hurt. That hurt.

Steve swallowed.

“Breathe with me, sweetheart. Can you do that? For me? Slow and easy, c’mon, with me.”

It was only then that Steve became aware of his own heavy breaths, the harsh sound of which filled up the room, gasp after gasp. He let go of the sheets and lay his hand on his own chest, where he could feel his pounding heartbeat, and tried to match Bucky’s calm, measured breathing as best as he could. He thought he was going to throw up.

“That’s it, just like that,” Bucky encouraged him.

Bucky–

Something flashed before Steve’s eyes; a fragment of a pale white face, with sneering lips and blood-stained teeth, taunting him with its cruel laughter.

You left me behind and they took me.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. It was just a dream, it wasn’t real.”

Bucky shifted minutely on the bed, and a fleck of light caught the metal plates of his arm, a silver gleam darting quickly in the night.

Steve’s chin trembled. His throat closed up.

They took my arm first, and then they took everything else.

The tears came back before he could stop them, gathering hotly behind his eyes, pressing urgently to spill over.

“Bucky,” he choked out, and in the next moment he was crawling into Bucky’s open arms, curling his shaking body into Bucky’s sturdy frame. Bucky cradled him close, rubbing a soothing hand between Steve’s shoulder blades as Steve sobbed freely, pouring all of his anguish in the crook of Bucky’s neck.

“W-when you fell,” Steve stammered pitifully, clutching at the back of Bucky’s t-shirt with the desperation of a drowning man, “I should have come looking for you, I should’ve been there, should’ve– should’ve brought you back, I–”

“No, no, Steve,” Bucky rumbled, rocking him gently in his arms, “don’t do this to yourself. Please, baby, I’m begging you.”

Steve shook his head no, hiding himself deeper into the nook offered by Bucky’s neck, just beneath the hinge of his jaw. His chest felt too tight, too full – like a balloon filled with water and straining to contain it, the paper-thin skin tense to the point of bursting.

“I should have come for you, they – they never would have taken you, I wouldn’t have let them,” he stumbled on helplessly, “I would have died first! God, I would’ve... I would have died first, I swear, Buck, I swear...”

Bucky stroked his hand over Steve’s hair, kissing the spot above the shell of his ear, dark with cold sweat. Steve felt the dampness of it across his whole body, under the clinging cotton of his pyjamas, the unpleasant moisture cooling on his skin and leaving him to shudder in Bucky’s embrace.

“Look at me,” Bucky called softly. It was a simple request, laced with just the same gentleness Bucky would use sometimes to coax Alpine into his arms, but still Steve felt panic pool in his stomach.

He couldn’t. He couldn’t bear to look Bucky in the eye, not like this. Not when the truth – Because of you. It was always because of you. – was out at last.

What a scam he was. A whole lifetime spent preaching bravery, and the one time it truly mattered, he couldn’t even be brave enough to face the consequences of his own mistakes.

Please, don’t hate me, he sobbed silently against Bucky’s neck. You should. You have every right to. But please... please...

“Sweetheart, please, look at me.”

It took more strength than Steve had ever even known he possessed, but slowly, hesitantly, he let himself be pulled out of his hiding spot, and lifted his gaze to meet Bucky’s, if only for a fleeting moment.

Bucky’s flesh hand reached up to cup his jaw, working his thumb tenderly over Steve’s skin to wipe his tears away – a sweet, but fruitless endeavor, as more salty tears rolled down Steve’s cheeks, relentless.

“The truth is, neither of us could have known I would survive that fall,” Bucky said.

Steve shook his head, his eyes screwed shut against the flood of fresh tears. “I should’ve tried anyway, I should have come to you. I should have been there with you.”

Bucky grasped him by the arms, barely squeezing at all. The force wasn’t in his touch; it was in his voice, quiet to match the nighttime gloom, but firm nonetheless.

“What if they had taken you, too? What if they’d made you like me, what then?” he said, an edge of desperation coloring his voice, as if he couldn’t bear the very thought. “Do you think you could have lived with yourself, if you’d woken up one day to find that you had the blood of innocents on your hands?”

Steve’s head snapped up then, heat flashing fiercely in his chest. “What would I have cared, when you were there with me!” he cried out, panting heavily in the wake of that outburst.

Perhaps he couldn’t call this bravery; but when Steve could breathe again, their eyes finally met again.

If he’d feared he would see hate, or disdain, or resentment looking back at him, he didn’t find any of those. What he did find instead, staring at him from Bucky’s ever-familiar face, was the stubborn mark of love, shimmering brightly in Bucky’s eyes.

“Of course you would have cared,” Bucky whispered fiercely, cradling Steve’s face in both of his hands. “It would have killed you, and it would have killed me too. I could have never, ever forgiven myself, if they’d gotten their filthy hands on you because of me.”

His voice wavered, heavy with the weight of unshed tears. Steve could see the glossy sheen of them, threatening to spill over Bucky’s cheeks any second now, and felt his own heart split in two at the sight.

“Bucky,” he rasped, wetly, clasping Bucky’s wrists with his own hands to hold onto them, turning his face into those beloved palms to kiss them helplessly, one and then the other. Bucky never stopped holding him.

“Listen to me,” he said urgently, “listen to me now. We can’t change the past. We can’t, Steve.” A new sob ripped itself painfully from Steve’s throat, one he couldn’t have helped if he wanted to. “We can’t. It’s done, it’s there, we can’t take it back. And God, do I wish we could, believe me. But I want you to hear me when I say this: I am so grateful for what we have now. In the present. Our present.”

He took a deep, shuddering breath that rippled through his whole frame, as he openly struggled to keep his words clear and his voice steady. He was always the braver one, Steve thought, thrusting one of his hands out to grab a fistful of Bucky’s t-shirt, right over his breastbone.

“Steve. God, could you have ever dreamed that we could have this? I never even dared to hope for something like it, not even on my best days.”

He paused. Steve clung to him, his chest tight with emotion.

“The way we got here... Would I have chosen that? If I’d been given a choice, would I have wanted it to happen like that? No, of course not,” Bucky continued. “But if you asked me now, would I do it all over again, just for a chance to be here with you? I would say yes.” Steve whimpered, shaking his head, tears rolling down his face; but Bucky held him firmly, looking him right in the eye and nodding just as stubbornly, a watery smile on his lips. “Yes, Steve. Yes. A million times yes.”

He broke at last, and Steve lost what little control he had of himself. He tugged Bucky forward by his shirt and threw his arms around him, crushing their bodies together as if his life depended on it. Bucky returned the embrace with that same urgency, holding him tight as Steve muffled his sobs against Bucky’s shoulder, and buried his face in Steve’s hair in return.

The pinprick-like sensation of Bucky’s tears wetting his skin, as Bucky trembled quietly against him, felt like a bruise to Steve’s naked heart.

“Forgive me,” he begged, and he couldn’t have said what it was that he was seeking forgiveness for: if the pain he had caused Bucky now, or the one he couldn’t prevent so long ago.

“There is nothing to forgive,” Bucky murmured in his ear, his voice thick. “But I’ll say it, if you need to hear it.”

“Please,” Steve whimpered.

Bucky hugged him impossibly closer. “I forgive you. Always, sweetheart.”

The tightness within Steve’s chest unraveled, and in that moment, he breathed anew. Relief washed over him – and he cried, and cried, like a person cries when they’re gifted with kindness for the first time in a very, very long time, he cried until he thought he’d exhausted all his tears.

Bucky laid them both back against his pillow, chest to chest, shushing Steve’s hiccupping breaths with whispers of sweet nothings, never once letting him go.

“All that’s left to do now,” he said softly then, pressing a kiss to Steve’s brow, “is for you to forgive yourself.”

Steve burrowed deeper into his warmth, spent.

It would take a long time for that, and a tough, strenuous walk on the tortuous path towards that healing place. In the meantime, though, he could wrap himself into the safety of Bucky’s arms, and slip into a dreamless sleep for once.

#stucky just stucky #stucky #stevebucky #rillers scribbles #I KNOW HONEY #THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU WERE GOING FOR BUT I JUST HAD TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM #I SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH ANGST I'M OUT OF MY DEPTH AGSDJAHDKAJSJDLASKDJ #give me fluff please 😭😭#i need cuddles and smooches for my babies 😭😭#oh my god i cannot #*lies on the floor*#ALSO HONEY I LOVE YOU I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT DAY <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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