#I think re: eddie ; even hen or chim or someone saying something about buck and focusing on Eddie’s reaction (or stoic lack thereof) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inawickedlittletown · 3 years

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Survivors - Buddie meta

Words: 3,112

I thought a lot about 4x14 since watching it on Monday and mostly buddie, and on my re-watch I had a lot of thoughts and since I can’t seem to help myself here we are again. And fair warning, this is very long.

I think it’s fair to say that Buck is someone that cares a lot. I think it’s fair to say that his reaction to Eddie being shot would be the same if anyone else in the 118 was shot. That said, yes, the way that Buck freezes and the shock that sets in with him is jarring for a character that is always about the action and always about doing something. But then, he does finally get his bearings after being knocked down to safety and after holding eye contact with Eddie as Eddie is bleeding out on the ground, and Buck is the only one present on the scene to get to Eddie. Buck is the only one trying to get to the injured person despite the fact that there are plenty of other first responders around.

This moment is a lot, and I think it does so much to reiterate and highlight the importance of Eddie in Buck’s life and the love that is felt between them. Up to this point, we cannot call that romantic love — or at least, acknowledged romantic love — but Buck does love Eddie. And vice versa.

We see Eddie’s love shine through in the moments while they’re heading to the hospital and Eddie comes to and his concern isn’t for himself, but Buck. Eddie has been shot, and he’s well aware of that, and yet it is Buck who he worries about. He has to be sure that Buck is alright. And, well, Buck isn’t. He might be physically alright, but when he’s asked if he’s okay as Eddie is being taken into the hospital, he just says “no” and that is very clear to the audience in that moment and for the rest of the episode.

The next time that we see Buck, he is still a mess and he’s stepping out of the hospital. He is literally shaking and he is so out of it and in a state of shock that he’s ignored phone calls not just from Taylor, but from Maddie, and likely anyone else that tried to contact him. I don’t want to spend too much time on Taylor here, but I do want to point out that Buck is at first suspicious of why she is present and barely acknowledges that she was worried about him and he also just doesn’t want to allow her to help him.

Buck’s entire mind is on Eddie and on Chris and we’re aware from Chim’s call with Maddie that the rest of the team are at the hospital as well, and that enough time has passed that it’s likely Eddie’s grandmother and aunt would have heard about what happened, that Carla would have heard, and yet Buck feels like he’s the one of that needs to talk to Chris and no one refutes that. When Albert asks where Buck is later, Chim even says: “he’s got a harder job tonight” because they all know that it is absolutely Buck’s place to be the one to speak to Christopher.

From the moment that Buck was aware of Christopher’s existence, he’s been involved. Christopher bonded Buck and Eddie in a way perhaps because of how much Buck loves kids, but certainly because Buck admired Eddie as a parent and Eddie’s devotion to being a dad. I think Buck similarly endeared himself to Eddie by making it possible for Eddie to get the help that he needed — namely Carla. But over the past few seasons we’ve seen the Buck and Chris relationship grow. Buck has been acting like another parent for a while and I think this season really took it over the top ever since Chris ran away from home and went straight to Buck. Making Buck his safe space over anyone else.

Out of the entire episode, the hardest scene to watch for emotional reasons is Buck explaining to Chris that his father is hurt. Between the way that Chris asks questions to understand what happened, to the way that Buck just can’t keep it together. And then Bobby’s text comes in and Buck really cannot hold it in, to know that actually Eddie will be okay. The rollercoaster of emotions is so well acted, so well written, and there is no way to not feel that pain while watching it.

This whole scene reads like a parent talking to their child about something difficult. It reads like a parent being aware of their own pain and still facing their kid because that’s important and necessary and as a parent it isn’t something that can be ignored. We can go further and parallel the scene to almost any important and emotional conversation between Eddie and Christopher, but especially what we got when Shannon died.It also frames Buck as family and as important in the lives of both Christopher and Eddie. It is difficult then to think about Buck’s place in all of this as only a best friend. As only a work partner. This is glaringly so when we think about Ana. (Also, we have to remember that Buck during all of this knows nothing about Eddie changing his will).

The episode makes it clear where Ana is this entire time because the few times we see her, she’s at the hospital with Eddie. As his girlfriend it makes sense for her to be there for him and yet that is all we are given when instead it would only make sense to use Eddie’s injury as a way to further and strengthen Ana and Eddie’s relationship. And from the last we saw of Ana, she clearly gets on with Christopher, enough that it would have made sense for Ana to step up and offer to care for Chris. It isn’t something that happens. But I think that their relationship would have shown as stronger and as more meaningful in the eyes of the viewer if we’d seen more of them together and certainly if we had seen Ana even just offer to look after Chris.

Instead, it is Buck that sleeps on Eddie’s couch so he can be there for Christopher even though there are other options such as Carla. It is Buck that picks up the slack of looking after Christopher as worried as Buck is about Eddie and as worried as Buck is about everyone else in light of the firefighters being targets. The way that Buck puts Christopher first is so parental. It is something that Eddie has noticed long before this all the way back in S3 and clearly Buck doesn’t disappoint. And Buck doesn’t do it all alone, because obviously he has work and Carla is around, but he is going out of his way to be there for Christopher.

The scenes are bittersweet in that there is a slight domestic/parental element to them, but then also the thrumming knowing that this is only happening because Eddie isn’t around. And yet Christopher is adaptable. It gets to the point where he is even joking around and teasing Buck in a very similar way that he does with Eddie.

I find Buck’s journey through the episode interesting. One of the things about Buck is that he believes he is alone. He knows he has people, but he also realizes that he is alone, and that as much he means something to his team, to his sister, even to his parents, Buck also knows that everyone else has other people. During the sequence in which Bobby explains how things are going to change for them, we see flashes of scenes of the 118 getting ready to go into work with their new bulletproof vests and we see Hen with Karen, we see Chim with Maddie, and we see Bobby with Athena. Buck is on his own.

Is it because Buck’s partner would naturally be Eddie? Or because Taylor and Buck just aren’t on that level (I mean at this point we’re pre-kiss). Either way, we get Buck on his own all while Bobby voice-overs how difficult this time will be on their family/loved ones who already see the job as risky and now it suddenly comes with possible sniper shots too. So is it a wonder that Buck, who already thinks much less of himself, would want to place more risk on himself than anyone else? Not to mention that there is definitely an element of survivor’s guilt at play. Buck was standing right there on that street with Eddie. Easily, it could have been him that was shot except that dressed as a civilian made him less of a target.

Bobby tells him that he made himself a target deliberately and Buck has an answer. He can’t handle anyone else being hurt and that shows us the impact that Eddie being hurt has on Buck, the way that emotionally, Buck could not handle much more turmoil.

About Eddie, Buck says, “I was just the guy standing there when it happened who couldn’t do anything to protect him.” And it is simply amazing how much that statement says about Buck’s state of mind. Add in Oliver Stark’s acting and we get to see so much of Buck’s love for the whole team, for Eddie. This moment comes after Buck’s scene with Carla presumably before he went to work, and in that scene Carla expresses her concern for Buck’s well being, but Buck brushes that off and I think it’s yet another example of Buck’s state of mind in that he doesn’t want to see himself as important, as necessary, as someone that would be missed if they were gone.

We see Taylor again and I do want to say that I appreciate the role Taylor has played in this episode. Her first appearance has her worried about Buck and caring about that more than possibly getting a scoop for work — yet another instance of showing how much Taylor has changed from S2. Her worry then, and the way that she offers to help Buck continues to translate into her second scene in the episode where she’s also upset at Buck for the crane incident and the danger he placed himself in. I’ve loved the development of Buck and Taylor’s friendship as well as the many moments that we’ve gotten that show Taylor as a different person. The last few episodes have slowly hinted at them as a couple and I cannot be mad at how this was developed or how Taylor is very clearly unsure about how things might go. She is caught up in the moment and after she kisses him she even apologizes.

Buck says they should talk about it, but Taylor decides to leave. Buck actually goes to say “wait” or to stop her and Taylor, as we learn later, expected or hoped for Buck to chase after her, but Eddie has excellent timing and has woken up. And Ana calls Buck at once.

I’m curious about when Buck got Ana’s number and saved it on his phone. I’m curious about how Ana got Buck’s number. Before this, we haven’t seen them interact at all and unless Eddie being hurt was the first time they even met, who called Ana to tell her about Eddie?

Either way, Ana calls him and Buck goes to Eddie. It’s a choice that Buck makes and I don’t think Buck even sees it as a choice. And from the way that Taylor mentions Buck not going after her, I just have to wonder about how Buck made it out of his apartment without running into Taylor on the way to his car to get to the hospital. From the way he was running, we know he didn’t wait to get over there. I also do have to wonder about Ana calling Buck and why she felt that he would need to be informed about Eddie being awake at once. Obviously there’s Christopher to consider, but Ana could have also called Carla. This feels like Ana knowing who she needed to defer to.

Buck arrives and Ana is all smiles, but she steps aside so Buck and Eddie can see each other. (Me with my shipper goggles on: foreshadowing?) And then, the next thing we see if Eddie having a facetime with Christopher through Buck’s phone and Ana isn’t there? Did she step out to give them some time with the kid? Ana’s place in all of this just dwindles and dwindles and I’ll admit I never liked Ana...but that’s mostly because I was never given a reason to like her. Maybe I just feel ambivalent.

Eddie asks Buck about how Chris is doing and Buck admits that actually between him and Christopher, it is Buck that is having a harder time. He admits that he lost it when he was telling Christopher and Buck is ashamed of it, of not being able to put away his emotions to focus on Chris. Eddie reassures him: “You were there for him when I couldn’t be. That’s what matters.”

Buck responds with: “Still, it might have been better for him if I was the one that got shot.” And that has been Buck’s state of mind this entire episode. That is what he’s been feeling. But no matter how many times Buck has been asked how he’s doing or been shown that others are worried about him, has he brought that up. It is only to Eddie that he can admit it.

The scene ends and Eddie is left thinking. He’s left considering what Buck’s said, but he’s also considering how he views Buck and how to best make Buck believe that actually he’s not expendable. Not to him or to Christopher or even to the rest of the 118.

We get to the third Buck and Taylor scene and the first thing that is apparent is that Buck has not reached out to Taylor since the kiss. He hasn’t chased her. In fact, he didn’t expect to see her at his door. And it has been days since. This shows us that Buck while interested in Taylor, isn’t that invested. Taylor on the other hand is. Buck explains himself by saying that he’s done feeling like he isn’t enough and I like that self-confidence and the way that Buck makes it clear that he can’t be the one chasing anyone.

To bring this back to Buddie, I do wonder if Buck saying this to Taylor isn’t also a statement about where Buck stands in general and how Buck is not going to be the one that pines or that waits for anyone. Not just Taylor, but Eddie. This could be subtle foreshadowing, aided of course by the next Buck and Eddie scene.

Eddie isn’t someone that talks about how he feels. He isn’t someone that needs to express himself that way and we know this about him which makes this scene all the more poignant. And you can feel how Eddie isn’t too sure of himself when he asks Buck to talk. Not to mention that admitting to going through the trouble of changing his will so that Buck could be Chris’ guardian clearly isn’t something Eddie ever wanted to bring up or mention to Buck seeing as it’s been in his will for about a year.

Eddie is just displaying such a level of awareness for his understanding of who would be best for Christopher, for the realization that no one else in his life cares for Christopher’s well being like Buck does. And they talk about Eddie’s other family and Eddie says my favorite line of the episode, “No one will ever fight for my son as hard as you. That is what I want for him.” Other than “You act like you’re expendable...but you’re wrong.”

Eddie changed his will, not for Buck, but for Christopher. It is placing all his trust in Buck and making him in many ways the most important person in his life other than his son. But telling Buck is something that Eddie does for Buck. He does it so that Buck knows how highly Eddie views/values him and so that perhaps Buck begins to see himself that way too and so he can value his life if not for himself, but then also because it actually could affect Christopher and Eddie as well. It does make me wonder if during Eddie’s time at the hospital, he heard about Buck and the crane.

There’s a welcome home party waiting for Eddie at home and Buck is the one to take him to it. The ending sequence is interesting in that everyone is split up by family. Unlike last season where we had everyone together at the end, this time everyone is with their family. In another moment that could have been used to cement Ana and Eddie, it is Buck that picks Eddie up from the hospital and Buck that takes him to the party. For some reason Taylor is there and I feel like that’s more about being able to put her somewhere, but we could have done without her. I wonder if Eddie already knows that Buck and Taylor are a thing by that point. And I wonder what Chris thinks of her.

All in all, this was a fantastic episode. One of the best of the season and such a strong finale. And I don’t think it gives us any concrete information on if the show is going to actually do Buddie, but it leaves some sprinkling of things that make it a possibility. Most of that is to do with how little development we get out of Ana in any way or form as well as the display of importance that Eddie places on Buck as well as Buck’s emotions when it comes to Eddie being injured. I think we leave the episode on a high note and with a lot of hope that actually maybe something could happen.

I don’t think I will ever be one of those people that are more than 50% sure it might happen, but this episode does make me question if that percentage shouldn’t be higher. It also cements my other thoughts on Buddie and I will reiterate it again because it’s so important, as it stands we are not in any place to call Buddie queerbaiting. We are, however, possibly in the midst of a slow burn.

Tagging: @vivalabandoms @sevensoulmates @greenasher @whenyougoquiet-ihatemyself @seylaaurora @scifitheatre1995 @yramesoruniverse @laura2594-me @selfiethechaosfan @lilyemrys

#911 fox #911 meta #buddie #buddie meta #911 on fox #meta #spoilers #911 spoilers #tagged anyone that liked my post last night hope I didn't miss any of you #long post #over 3k long #clearly I can't ever keep anything short #and this wasn't even focused on the whole episode #can you tell I have an english degree?

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luv-eddiediaz · 3 years

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Imagine Me&You...

I legit lost the post that gave me this idea. I thought I had liked it since it was from a user I don't follow, but alas! I cannot find it. So, whoever it was pleading to Tim for like this dream/alternate universe thing, while I am not a 911 writer or show runner, I wrote a thing, cause I had to. If you don't like that I wrote a thing, send me a message and I'll take it down. Otherwise, I hope you find this, and I can tag you properly to thank your mind :)

This is not Buck's room. Buck has no idea whose room this is or how he got there. The last memory he has is the fire from their last call, and the flames eating away at everything. He remembers Eddie yelling that the beam above them was about give way, and given the dull ache underneath his skull and the veil of fog around his brain, Buck is pretty sure that when it did, it hit him square in the head. Hard too.

So, Hen probably insisted they bring him to the hospital, while Chim half joked that a hit that hard wouldn’t make much of a difference, and then when he was released someone brought him here - wherever the hell that is.

He sits up and tries to find something he recognizes within the sea salt walls, and colonial blue sheets, but nothing looks familiar, and it’s starting to make him feel a little bit nervous.

A prism of color caught in a sliver of dawning sunlight catches his attention to a frame on top of a heavy wooden dresser on the other side of the room. He pulls back the covers and pads over to it, but just like everything else he has no idea what he’s really looking at. It’s him and it’s Eddie, and they’re dressed in suits and there’s a Christmas tree in the background, and god, Buck doesn’t think he’s ever seen either of them look as happy as they do, standing there holding hands.

Wait - is that? Buck squints closer to the picture to see if he’s seeing what he thinks he’s seeing when a glint of something else catches his eye again, and he finds a silver band sitting lonely in a small, wooden bowl. He rolls it between his fingertips; it’s clean, save for a few worn down scratches, and when he slips it onto his finger, it’s warped to a perfect fit. This is his ring.

Why the hell does he have a wedding ring?

Why is this picture of him and Eddie in this bedroom?

Who’s bedroom even is it?

“Hey, you’re awake,” Eddie’s soft voice breaks through Buck’s racing thoughts instantly bringing him peace, “I was starting to get worried.”

“H-how long was I asleep?” Buck asks, and he’s comically thankful when he opens his mouth and his voice still sounds like him.

“Almost twenty hours now. Your vitals were fine though, so I just let you sleep it off.”

“You checked my vitals?”

Eddie laughs, and he’s closer now, “of course,” he answers, his breath ghosting Buck’s ear as he wraps his arms around Buck’s waist and presses a gentle kiss to his temple. It’s completely wrong, but feels absolutely right, and Buck closes his eyes to the moment.

“and I’d really appreciate it if you stopped getting hurt,” Eddie adds.

“I’ll uh- I’ll try.”

“Good. Are you up to helping me with breakfast? The kids will be up soon and Christopher still hasn’t forgiven me for burning the french toast last weekend.”

“Yea, sure.”

Buck shivers when Eddie lets go. He finally turns away from the dresser to try and look at him, but the curtains are still drawn and there isn’t enough light to make out much more than his silhouette as he watches him walk out of the room, and hold up - did Eddie say kids?

Buck is met with a sage colored wall full of photographs as he follows out of the bedroom; the years he missed when Christopher was a baby with Eddie and Shannon, more recent photos of him at the beach with the two of them, and then another baby he doesn’t recognize, but knows he should. He runs his finger along the cool glass of himself holding this strange, tiny baby wrapped up in hospital blankets and a lilac hat.

“You coming?” Eddie asks from the end of the hallway.

“Yea,” Buck answers.

“What is with you and the pictures today?”

“Just re-orientating myself, I guess.”

Eddie saunters back toward Buck, their shoulders hitting agaist each other, “well, here’s a little refresher for you then; that’s you, that’s me -your husband in case you forgot - our son, Christopher, and our daughter, Nicole.”

“When did we get married?” Buck blurts out.

“How hard did you hit your head? Maybe I should take you back to the hospital.”

“No, I’m fine. Just a little fuzzy.”

Eddie sighs and takes Buck by the wrist to even more photos on the mantel of a stone fireplace. He points to one in the middle that has them both in the same suits in front of the same set of palm trees as the one in the bedroom, only instead of holding hands, Buck is kissing Eddie on the cheek while Eddie feigns a look of disgust.

“June 10, 2020,” Eddie tells him, “best day of my life. Even in the middle of a global pandemic.”

“I think it was mine too,” Buck says, and he’s caught off guard when Eddie kisses him again, this time catching Buck’s lips with his, and whispering, “I love you” when he lets them go.

“I love you too,” Buck says back, and he never even knew until now just how true it was.

Maybe it’s a dream or a hallucination. Maybe he’s in a coma, or hell, maybe he’s dead, but Buck slips into this slightly different, but wonderful world where he wakes up and makes his family breakfast, soothes his baby daughter when she falls wobbling to a plush dalmatian wearing a fire hat. This world where he talks Christopher to soccer practice because Eddie has been banned from arguing with the ref too many times, and then he walks down the aisles of Home Depot holding his husband’s hand before they all go to Buffriday at Maddie and Chim’s where his kids play with his niece, and they go back home to watch a movie with Christopher while Eddie rocks Nicole to sleep singing her an off key lullaby.

And with the kids asleep, and the house mostly picked up, Buck lets Eddie kiss his throat and paw underneath his t-shirt until he suggests they take a shower, and Buck agree without a second thought.

His skin burns before he even steps foot underneath the hot spray, and he knows it isn’t real as he slips his hands over Eddie’s naked, soapy body, so he kisses him hard and fast afraid that any moment he might crash back into his reality.

Which, he knows he’s going to have to eventually, but he vows, right there on his knees, that when he does, he’s going to everything he can to make this world the real one.

Clean, exhausted, and coming down from the high of one another, they climb into the bed and curl close like their rings nestled in the bowl on the dresser.

“This was a good day,” Buck muses.

“Everyday is good when it’s us.”

Buck laughs, “you’re so corny.”

“But you love me anyway.”

“I love you anyway.”

“Goodnight, Evan.”

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

#911 fox #buddie #buddie fic #alternate world #married #fluffy #long #sorry about that #but also not sorry #@clearlyivemadesomebaddecisions #Found you!#Thanks to @justsmilestuffhappens!

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reignsforever · 3 years

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1k??? that's awesome jamie!!! congrats! 💖✨🔥🎉 how about a 📃 for buddie + a hand holding scene during a tough call, and maybe later it turns into a feelings confession? feelings confessions are my weakness lol. anyways, ily and congrats again :D

I think I re-started this prompt five times before I wrote something I liked, lmao. I hope you enjoy it, Dhyl. Also, soft trigger warning for mentions of what happened to Devon after the roller coaster in season one, and someone getting burned alive.

"Are you alright?" Buck hears Hen ask, voice soft, but he doesn't reply to her, doesn't even really look at her, either. He can see Chimney staring at him next to her, but he's frozen, staring at the body of the woman that he had tried to save from the burning building but had failed. He had failed her, the same way he had failed Devon from so many years ago.

All Buck can see is Lisa, the woman he had meant to save, burned, the same way he had only seen Devon, flattened after falling, and he takes a deep gasp, eyes becoming wet as he lets out a small whimper, hating himself for it. He can see Hen and Chim move forward like they want to comfort him, but he shakes his head, eyes wide. He can't speak, doesn't really want to. All he really wants is to be left alone, to curl up in bed and just cry, because he can never handle losing people.

Before he can let his thoughts spiral, because he knows they're going to spiral soon, he can feel Eddie at his side, the heat from his best friend's body radiating over to him. Eddie grabs his hand and laces their fingers together and Buck -- Buck blinks, turning towards Eddie slowly, eyes widening a little as he takes in the other man.

"Do you want to go home?" Eddie asks and Buck takes a minute before nodding, Eddie squeezing his hand once more before he stands up, bringing Buck up with him, not letting go of him, and Buck - Buck finds himself thankful for that. He doesn't know what happens next, just knows Eddie talks to Bobby briefly and Bobby nods after looking at him before they're in the truck.

"The truck isn't home," Buck whispers, and he feels something inside of him curl when Eddie snorts.

"No, but Bobby will get us to the station soon, and then we can go home instead of continuing our shift," Eddie replies and Buck finds himself looking at his best friend in confusion.

"You're going to drive me home?" Buck asks, and he doesn't know why he feels so confused, doesn't know why he doesn't want to go to his apartment, or why when Eddie asked if he wanted to go home, Buck thought of Eddie's home but --

"No. I'm going to drive you to our home. Because my house is more your home than your apartment and if there is one thing that's not happening tonight, it's you being alone," Eddie responds and Buck blinks once more before smiling softly at Eddie and nodding, the warmth inside of him growing when he realizes that Eddie considers him -- part of the family.

Eventually, Eddie sits next to him and is still holding his hand and Buck -- Buck looks down at their hands, squeezing ever few minutes, cheeks turning slightly red as Eddie turns towards him and watches him. No one is in the truck yet, still working on whatever it is they're working on so Buck finds himself looking up at Eddie, heart pounding inside of his chest as he tries to figure out what to say to his best friend.

There must be something on his face though because after a little while, Eddie lets out his own smile, placing his forehead against Buck's, and Buck feels himself calming down, relaxing completely with Eddie by his side. After a few minutes, Eddie pulls away and Buck finds himself biting his lower lip, his hand squeezing Eddie's before he lets out a soft sigh.

"I love you," he whispers, unable to hold the statement in any longer. He can see Eddie freeze for a moment before he has a small smile on his own face and Buck can't help but wonder what's going on in Eddie's mind.

"I know Buck. I was just waiting for you to catch up," Eddie whispers and Buck lets out a little snort, rubbing his face with his free hand before resting his head on Eddie's shoulder, squeezing Eddie's hand once more.

"I just -- I can't handle--" Buck whispers, freezing briefly when Eddie leans forward and kisses him. Buck gets lost in the kiss for a few minutes before they both pull away at the same time, a smile on their faces.

"I know. And I can wait until you are," Eddie whispers, and Buck nods, smiling once more, before Bobby enters the truck, ending the conversation completely.

celebrate getting 1k followers with me.

#buddie #fanfic: mine #the girl: 1k celebration #evaneddie #inbox: answered

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icarusbuck · 4 years

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15. not interested, thank you

FOX! 911 | alcohol

∞

Buck leaned over the table. He tipped his head this way and that, trying to math out which direction his ball would go. Then he aimed down the long line of his pool cue, drew it back, and took his shot.

The balls clicked together and he resisted the urge to clench his fist when he sunk his fifth in a row.

Eddie huffed from the other side, where he stood leaning on a cue of his own. "Are you a closet pool shark?"

"Just sober," Buck said, a flush rising under the scrutiny. He called, "Eight ball, side pocket," and the game ended a few seconds later when the eight ball went into the side pocket.

"Shark," Eddie said again, but there was no malice in it. He knocked his arm into Buck's and they left to re-rack their equipment, offering the table to the next pair. They took up positions at the nearly empty bar instead. It was slow, given that it was a Wednesday night.

A comfortable quiet descended on them. Eddie's attention was drawn to the baseball game on a screen at the end of the bar, and Buck was content just to sit with him and zone out.

The bartender stopped in front of him a few minutes later to leave a pint of beer in front of him.

"Oh, sorry," Buck said, startled back to the present before his mind truly had a chance to wander. "I didn't order this." He slid the glass back towards her.

"I know, honey. They did," she said, and pointed off towards a booth in the corner.

Buck turned on his stool and saw the two women. One had warm, dark eyes that reminded Buck of someone, her thick curly hair drawn back into a half clip. The other was strawberry blonde and her pale skin was dotted with freckles. Once upon a time, he might have taken the drink and had a merry time with them.

He picked up his water and gestured with it in a kind of salute, and slid the beer over to Eddie to replace his empty glass.

"Sucker," Eddie laughed, taking the beer immediately.

"Hey, someone had to be the designated driver," Buck said, shrugging. He spun further on his stool and leaned his elbows back on the bar, swiveling from side to side.

Eddie raised an eyebrow and moved his eyes up Buck's torso now that he'd practically put it on display.

Buck looked sideways at him and smirked, tossing him a wink.

From his new position, he could see Chim and Hen arguing at one of the dart boards. Hen had a piece of chalk in her hand and kept underlining something he couldn't quite make out at that distance. He smiled at their antics, but his attention shifted when a familiar scent filled his nose. It was warm and spicy, and it suited the wearer perfectly.

Eddie shifted toward him, putting his hand on Buck's hip for balance. He leaned in close and teased, "Now you're just showing off."

Buck considered the accusation. Having Eddie so close sent a thrill down his spine that made it impossible to think. He turned his head until his cheek brushed against Eddie's, until Eddie's lips no longer touched his ear. They grazed stubbornly over Buck's skin, almost like it was on purpose, and he was suddenly very aware of his heart in his throat.

His pulse picked up speed. He angled his head back just until he could look into Eddie's eyes. The deep, dark brown always held his attention for just a moment too long; it reminded him of the rich color that soil took on when it was fertilized and ready for planting. Eyes that made Buck want to plant something in them, but more than that, he wanted to see that something grow.

Eddie smiled crookedly at him. He was on the cusp of tipsy and drunk and it showed in his loose movements.

"You're drunk," Buck accused softly, but his face was on fire and all he wanted was for Eddie to just keep touching him. He was afraid of saying something like that out loud, so he didn't say anything more.

"Yeah, a little," Eddie said, laughing quietly as he pulled away. Buck mourned the loss and took in a breath that lacked anything more than the smell of the bar. He felt a different kind of buzz just being close to Eddie. Desire and longing swirled in his stomach as Eddie turned his stool around and leaned back on the bar, mimicking Buck's position. They surveyed the room, but the silence felt different this time. Charged.

Eddie knocked his knee into Buck's a few minutes later to get his attention. He redirected it to the two women from before as they approached.

Buck cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter. He set his glass down within reach and turned toward them expectantly.

"Hey," said the strawberry blonde. "I'm Bella, this is Andra."

Buck smiled at both of them. "Buck, Eddie," he said, hooking his thumb over his shoulder to indicate.

The women both laughed like he'd made a joke. Bella put her hand on his shoulder and looked to her companion.

Andra leaned on Bella; she was tall, possibly taller than Buck. When she spoke it was like velvet, deep and sultry. "We were kind of hoping for just you," she said, her dark eyes sparkling mischievously. Her voice reminded him of Abby, he realized a few seconds later.

"Oh, that's very kind of you," he managed, looking between them. He suddenly felt a little like the main course. "I'm not really looking for anything right now," he added, trying to let them down gently.

"Not even a good time?" Bella moved her hand down his arm, making no attempt at subtlety as she felt him up.

Buck shook his head and gently took her wrist to remove her hand. It would have to be the straightforward approach. "Sorry. Not interested, thank you."

Andra shrugged like it was nothing. Her dark eyes slid over his shoulder, giving Eddie a rather obvious appraisal. "What about you?"

He looked over his shoulder just in time to catch the scowl disappearing from Eddie's face. Eddie simply shook his head, his bottom lip captured between his teeth.

The two left them without any further comment, and Buck slumped against the bar with a sigh.

"You want to get some air?"

"Yeah," Eddie grunted.

They slid off their stools and left their drinks behind, winding their way through the mostly empty bar. Once outside, Buck drifted over to his Jeep and leaned against it. The air was cool and crisp with the promise of fall. He silently wished he'd brought a jacket as he shivered.

Eddie paced slowly in front of him, weaving his way along the painted lines of the parking lot in a mockery of a field sobriety test. He said nothing, but Buck could feel him winding up like a puffer fish. It would only take one good poke to set him off, and Buck really didn't want that to happen in the bar or on the way home. He took a deep breath.

"Who pissed in your beer?"

Eddie stopped walking and turned, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. "When's the last time you hooked up with someone?" He asked. Trust Eddie to get right to the point.

Buck frowned at him, caught off guard by the question. "Uh, I don't know. A while. Why?"

Eddie jerked his head toward the bar. "You get hit on like that a lot?"

"I guess," Buck said slowly, after thinking about it for a second.

"And you always say no?"

Buck narrowed his eyes. His stomach wound tighter and tighter at the line of questioning. He looked away, rubbing his fingertips over his mouth. "I always say no," he confirmed.

Eddie was silent at that. Buck looked back at him, ready for a challenge.

"What?"

"Nothing," Eddie muttered, turning away. "I want to go home, will you see if the others are ready?"

"Fine," Buck sighed, rolling his eyes. He pushed away from the Jeep and wondered if Eddie was watching him while he walked back through the front doors. He refused to look back, in any case.

Hen and Chimney were both more than happy to leave. Chim had chalk hand prints covering his dark denim jacket. Hen paid their tab, and soon they were all on their way.

Eddie was waiting by the passenger door of the car when they emerged. Buck unlocked it from across the parking lot and he climbed in.

"What's his problem?" Hen grumbled, leaning into Buck's side as they walked.

"No idea," Buck said, wrapping an arm around her to support her.

He loaded up his cargo and set off once everyone was buckled. Chimney was his first stop, followed by Hen, and finally he angled the Jeep for Eddie's house. It was dark and quiet inside when he arrived, which shouldn't have been a surprise; it was well past Christopher's bedtime, and Carla was probably already asleep in the guest bedroom.

Buck pulled up to the curb and put the car in park. A full minute passed in silence. Eddie didn't move, just sat there staring out the windshield into the dark night beyond.

His breaths came a little faster and he turned his head sharply to look at Buck. He looked away again.

"Are you alright?" Buck frowned, unbuckling his seat belt. He reached for Eddie uncertainly.

"Yeah," Eddie said. "No. Yeah." He looked at Buck again, the turmoil clear on his face. His hand shot out with surprising accuracy to take a fistful of Buck's shirt, and he yanked to bring them closer, his eyes closing.

Buck grunted from the physical effort of resisting. Now that they were alone and it was quiet, he could smell the beer on his breath. It wouldn't have mattered as much if they were both drinking. Hell, maybe it would have been better, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this was all just Eddie being drunk and impulsive. He pulled back slightly, and Eddie finished the job with a light push. They slumped into opposite sides of the car.

"Eddie," Buck said, barely managing to find his voice.

"Nevermind," Eddie grunted. He pulled the handle and shoved at the door. His feet hit the ground faster than he expected and he stumbled.

Buck could feel the panic rising in his chest. If he left, would Eddie even remember what almost happened? He couldn't take the chance. He didn't want to take the chance. He flung himself at his door and fell out in his hurry. He caught up to Eddie in the yard and reached for his wrist.

"Eddie, wait," Buck said, suddenly desperate.

"What?" Eddie ground out, spinning on his heel and almost losing his balance. He weaved back to center and focused entirely on Buck.

Buck wanted to laugh at the absurdity of it all. "You're drunk, Eddie. How am I supposed to sit there and just let you kiss me when you're drunk?"

Eddie held up a finger. "Not drunk. Tipsy." To his credit, he managed not to slur his words, but it didn't help the situation any.

"How is that any better?" Buck demanded, slapping at his hand to get it out of his face. He stared at Eddie and wanted answers to all the questions swirling in his head.

Eddie made a noise of frustration, something between a grunt and a groan. He held his hands up in front of him. "We've been dancing around this thing for months, Buck. Why not now? Why can't it be now?"

"Because," Buck started, afraid to continue. He opened his mouth and held back.

He held back.

He held it all back, until he just couldn't anymore, and the words spilled out of him. Eddie had that effect on him, like a gravitational pull he just couldn't resist.

"Because it can't start like this. I don't want you to have to look your son in the eye and tell him you did it because you were drunk." The words came out in a rush, and he was almost relieved to have said them except for the look on Eddie's face.

He reared back like Buck had slapped him, but Buck couldn't stop himself now. He rushed the distance between them and took Eddie's face in his hands to keep him from looking away.

"When I kiss you, I don't want you to be so drunk you can't feel it." Buck spoke the words slowly, despite how fast his heart raced for having said them.

"I can feel it," Eddie mumbled weakly. He bit his lip and grabbed onto Buck's shirt, eyes wide and staring.

Buck took his hands away slowly. He was surprised to find himself out of breath, and he had to admit that it was tempting. He wanted it too - this thing, as Eddie had called it. He just didn't want it like this, not a drunken impulse that Eddie might regret come morning.

He gently pried Eddie's hands off his shirt and squeezed them. "When I kiss you, it won't be because someone else hit on me and you got jealous." Then he forced himself to let go, to turn around.

It took all of his willpower to just get in the damn Jeep and start it.

#fictober20 #buddie #911 on fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #usermone

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buddiewho · 3 years

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I have a question.

When does it become too much to rely on other people for your mental health? When does it become too much to use them [a family member or friend] as a constant emotional support? Now, I can attest to people in my life who have been there for me in coping times, but there's also responsibility on my part to assess what's going on. I read something about anxiety and how sometimes those with it (maybe even myself) can react in such a way that is asshole-ish. Therefore, how can you reign that in and assess what caused the anxiety and whether or not it's something you can control?

For example, it's not the 118's job to police or be constantly aware of Buck's emotions. Can we call them mood swings? Can we? It's not their responsibility and Buck himself is realizing that Dr. Copeland might be right, "I do hide my true feelings from others." Buck is the classic, bury it deep, so deep, because I don't want people to think of me as a burden and besides I'd rather HELP other people with their emotions that I FEEL as well, so fuck my own. Buck is so empathetic (yet a little entitled) but I honestly believe he is the type to take on everyone's emotions without even realizing how he himself feels [look at what happened with roller coaster victim...he literally thought of himself last and took on the backlash from the sister as if he deserved it...then of course, the fucked up shit with the therapist, but still...] Buck will literally take insults against himself if it meant standing resilient for someone else's FEELINGS, while burying his own [sounds like he did this for Maddie]. Right now he's starting to look inwardly and be more aware of his feelings.

I think we fail to realize that Hen, Chim and Bobby [even Athena] experienced "I hate authority" and "act before I think" Buck. They dealt with a little shit, basically, and so I think they've come to this point of holding him at arm's length sometimes, especially Athena who actually made Buck check himself when they met and she’s the reason Bobby also gave him the second chance. They don't want to expect him to act out, but in some ways they do. However, they did watch him grow/change. They watched him change because of Abby, because of Eddie, because of Christopher, because of the incidents/emergencies/accidents...yet what I think they do is want to hold him accountable for certain actions he's taken [aka the lawsuit, aka thinking without his brain, aka being a damn daredevil]. They do not make fun of his trauma, because why in the ever living fuck would they do that having experienced their own kinds of pain? Plus, if the JOKES they make hurt, then he should tell them. "Hey, you know, I don't really like when you guys joke this like." He can take responsibility for what he feels from the joke and actually express that it hurt rather than play it off and bury the negative reaction he may have had, but the show hasn’t written it that way, so I’m to assume that the joking doesn’t hurt Buck as much as one might think.

Most of what Hen, Chim, Bobby or Eddie say or do comes heavily from a protective mode. Look at how far they had to watch him push himself to get back into firefighting almost to die right there on Bobby & Athena's patio...? They want to protect him, and often times that comes with jokes and it hasn't been written as Buck having negative reactions to those. Sure, some faces (like the tsunami comment in the elevator). Like, really? Come on, Eddie. Though, this entire team is built on jokes. Look at the cake they got Chimney. And even that banner after he recovers from the stabbing is a bit maudlin, a bit dark, wouldn't you say? The levity, the jokes that are brought into this are not to actually poke fun at Buck or that they're not taking any of it seriously. They take it very seriously, but I think it's always going to come with one or two jokes. It always has.

I just re-watched the IT Chapter 2 and there’s the scene when the adult Losers get back to the clubhouse. Richie hides himself in the shadows and uses an "IT" voice to scare the shit out of his friends. Is he making fun of the trauma? No, that's called using humor to deflect his fear, in this case. However, in the case of 911 characters vs Buck, they're not doing anything to make fun of him. Everything they do or say even if it's a joke comes from being protective. Fight me.

Actually, another example of this protective mode is how Bobby, Eddie and Hen immediately hovered over Chimney who kept babbling about holding onto a secret that might have to do with Buck. They each took a protective and curious stance, but ultimately figured it was between Chimney, Maddie and Buck...? Buck is protected and loved but he himself doesn’t think so. He doesn’t think he can live up to their expectations or that they care about him as much [look at how he told TK he wasn’t even sure that Hen would come save him, but that’s HIS OWN emotions getting in the way, because yes the fire fam would save him; they have before when he was being an overexerting idiot to get back to the job...Hen also being the one highly aware that the 118 is not just Buck’s job but a HOME he latched onto, because he didn’t have anything else so if he doesn’t have this place then what?] and I think Buck Begins is going to show him that his fire fam has always cared even when he doesn’t see it and they always will.

#evan buckley #if you read this #I adore you #but I've just been a little frustrated by negativity towards every other character #like Buck is so precious #because honestly I wanted to punch his little shit face in during season 1 #but he went and made changes like a person tries to do...#911 #I also might've wanted to punch his face in because it was like looking into a mirror...#so yeah there's that #ahahaha

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ickletheficklepickle · 3 years

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Alright, so I re-watched Desperate Measures with my Co-Worker/Friend. Cause that’s what usually happens. I watch the episode when it airs, and she has to wait because she has school. But when she watches it, I re-watch it with her, so we can discuss. So, obviously because I watched it a second time- I notice things the second time. As always spoilers below.

I started off by telling her- that I really didn’t want to re-watch it/this was my least favorite episode so far, because of all the ___ganda (I omitted the first sounds because I didn’t want to give it away). Then followed it by saying, I basically elected to ignore the first like 40 minute-then the last like how many minutes. Pointed out my only favorite part was Michael going, “Bobby look I have the keys” and jingling them near his face. Other than that, this episode was not a fun ride. Anyways- the reactions remain the same for the first 40 minutes-mainly the build up of rescuing Harry. -Hudson was creepy (I still have say that- I cringed once again when he got to her undergarments drawer, and I knew it was happening). I will add that, I wish that Harry closed the trunk of the car before he hid. But you know, then that would have been lame and ended the kidnaping early. Bobby this episode was reminiscent of Season 1 Bobby, where he lashed out in anger. When he shoved Buck way back in Season 1 comes to mind. I forgot what he shoved him for- I just remembered him pushing Buck and getting really really angry. Bobby, obviously he had a lot going on, that is his Step-Son. He loves Harry, and I think he shouldn’t have been at work. Because his mind was clearly elsewhere and that could have impacted his job. Yes okay-it was badass that he kicked down that fence, but that was also very unprofessional of him to say what he said to the Civilian. That’s just it, like-you just...you can’t say shit like that Bobby. Looking at it from all sides though, his Step-Son was missing. And I’m sure the back of his mind was going, I’m not going to lose another kid please don’t let me lose another one. So adrenaline was high, he was thinking elsewhere. He had a one track mind only- ��Do what it takes to get Harry back.” I don’t know- I just, something about Bobby and his behavior I’m like “Oh em gee him kicking that fence, I appreciate that” but then I am also like “Umm....I don’t know how I feel about not rational Bobby”. Not rational unprofessional threatening civilians Bobby is not my jam. Okay- onto Maddie. The part that I chose to ignore. I myself haven’t been through PPD, but hearing from others who have gone through that, it’s hard. It’s not something that is just easily fixed. Or jus hearing it-I’m not well versed in this. And I would like to learn more. But what from I know or gather, your mental and emotional state are telling you things, that you know aren’t true. Like, no matter how many times someone tells Maddie, she is a good mother. Hell, she can tell her self that, but emotionally and mentally she is not in a headspace where she accepts that sees that. So her running, okay it would make sense why she did that. But I think what makes me mad, is that the writers could’ve gone about her character arc a different way. They could’ve made Maddie wait for Chim and for Maddie to have this conversation with him. For her to tell him, “I have to go, I can’t be here now, I’m not in a healthy enough space to give Jee and you what you need.” I don’t know. I just feel like Maddie wouldn’t do that. She ran before, and she saw what that did, and I liked to think she learned from that. I think that they could’ve done something so much better, so showcase the seriousness of PPD- have Chim talking with her after he had that conversation with Hen, then talking about what they can do to help her. That’s just my opinion on it. That’s really all of it. I’m glad that Eddie and Ana broke up- but I also hope that his Panic Attacks just didn’t disappear. There is something else that’s causing him to have them. My brother at dinner today was like, “Are they finally going to address when he went to war?” Like-he doesn’t even watch this show religiously and he’s like “Cause that just comes at you whenever you know?”. I hope that they don’t just ignore Harry and what he went through. And that’s all. I watched this episode twice, and I still am not a fan of it.

#911 fox #911 spoilers #ickle rants #viewing commentary

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florenceandthemachine · 4 years

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that original lifeline

chapter 5 / 5 - “you deserve what you are given” - 3.6k

in which Eddie has a good day, has a bad day, sees a familiar face, and tries not to blow up an ambulance. not necessarily in that order.

it’s all done! my first ever standalone, prompt-free fic! I hope you all at least tolerated it as much as I did. I also would like to say—please, if you’re seeing things that look messy or need to be touched up, you’re welcome to let me know. I'm sure I'm going to go over it and re-edit a million times over the next week.

read on AO3

Eddie knew that things were going to be different the moment he slapped his alarm the next morning, because for the first time in months, he actually turned his alarm off. He didn’t lie in bed and ignore it, he didn’t hit snooze until he could get the energy to see the day, he turned it off, he got up, and he started to dress. He couldn’t remember the last time he had greeted a Monday on time for an early morning workout, but the few miles he was able to get in on the treadmill was nothing compared to the look of happiness on his son’s face when he got to join him and Carla for breakfast—instead of running out the door, a granola bar lodged in his mouth. He literally felt like he just woke up on the right side of the bed this morning; judging by the way that Chris lit up, and Carla rose her brows in surprise, his change in attitude was already being noticed.

Even if Carla was good enough not to comment on it.

Honestly, Eddie didn’t know what was going on himself, but he wasn’t going to complain. A day ago, he had almost started to cry at one of those family car commercials with an old dog in it, and today, he was already back into the familiar motions of ‘being well’.

He had been through enough therapy in his life to know the “highs and lows” mental health speech every which way, but what he hadn’t realized until this morning was that when you were low, being low becomes your new normal. Eddie had been through it before (with Shannon, with his parents, with… name a thing), and he knew it would probably come again, but that didn’t make the moments that he got to stand in the light on the other side of the tunnel any less sweet.

It felt like he was standing in the sun.

“Morning Hen! Coffee?” Eddie grinned as he took the stairs up into the loft two at a time, box of danishes in one hand, coffee holders stacked high in the other. He had literally been smiling since he parked his car outside, and was now beaming at Hen only because she was lucky enough to be the first person he got to see that day. Lucky, sure, but he still didn’t miss the way that her brows rose into her hair as she took her cup and her selection of baked goods, knowing full well that this was probably… a lot to take in from his behavior for the past many weeks.

“You’re… cheery.” Hen commented easily, staring at Eddie like a puzzle to figure out—and while that would have made him nervous before, it was actually kind of nice now, a friend showing that she cared.

To his credit, Eddie just shrugged, pulling off another coffee as he put the boxes down on the table, knowing full well they would be devoured before he could even look back. “What can I say? It’s a good day today, the sun is out, and I only have to be here for eight hours. Hey, where’s Chim? I got Mr. Asian James Bond an extra bear claw, since he’s been driving everyone up the wall with his whole sorority girls speech.”

Hen let the topic drop (and Eddie thanked her silently for it) as she groaned and shook her head, taking another drag from her coffee cup as, sure enough, the pastry boxes started to draw everyone in like flies. He started handing out coffees to those who’s orders he could remember, grinning as Hen launched into it. “No no, ‘Asian James Bond’ was last week, now it’s ‘Asian Sex Symbol’ to you. God, that stupid calendar, between he and Bobby I am ready to enter myself, blow them both out of the water as Miss July, and—”

“Hey, hold up, where’s Bosko?” Eddie said, cutting her off before she could pick up too much steam, staring at the last coffee in his hands as Bobby pulled his own free.

Hen and Bobby shared a glance as Bobby cleared his throat around a mouthful of coffee, swallowing before he started to speak. “Actually, Lena’s back with the 136 for the foreseeable future. I’m happy to say that we finally have that vacancy filled.”

Eddie felt his brows launch into his hairline, only vaguely remembering that Lena was supposed to be here on a temporary basis—and he had been a complete ass to her for the past few months. Well, that was going to be a fun little addition to his long list of issues, and he winced as he made a mental note to swing by the 136 later on with another danish and an apology. Hen caught the look, her own brow tilting in return, though she was good enough to redirect her attention back up to Bobby. “So, wait, who’s going to be the newbie on the 118?”

“He is walking up the stairs right now, if you want to turn around. Just graduated out of the Academy last week. Pretty much top of his class, apparently impressed enough people that I had to fight off station 6 to get him to come here—welcome, Evan Buckley.”

“Hey, uh, you can just call me Buck.”

Eddie almost choked on his coffee as he heard a voice behind him, grabbing a napkin to catch a few drops as he turned, trying to repress his cough as he turned around, meeting a pair of blue eyes, staring at Eddie with an intensity that made his insides curl like he had just been sucker punched. He didn’t say anything, of course, just reached out and shook hands, introduced himself, did the whole shebang—with a smile, he might add!

Today was a good day. It could still be a good day. It really, really had the potential to be a good day.

Today was not a good day.

Eddie wanted to work well with Buck, he really did, but every time Buck opened his mouth, all Eddie could feel was pressure, water pushing in on him at every angle, the choking taste of mud in his mouth. At this point in time, Eddie wasn’t sure what was worse—that Buck seemed to put his foot in his mouth whenever he talked to Eddie, or the fact that he didn’t seem to give a fuck where and when he was flapping his yap.

An exploding man hole cover literally knocking someone’s arm into the nearby pool? He had barely started with “Hey, you good? You must have lucked out after that firetruck and all…” before Eddie was talking over him, asking for gauze and a tourniquet to try and save some of the live tissue in the very-much-not-alive arm.

A stab wound to the ass that resulted in the most lifelike Michelin man that Eddie had ever seen? “So, silver star, huh? You save a platoon or something?” Eddie managed to smile, jaw tight as he shook his head. “No, nothing like that. I was just in convoy.”

Even their downtime wasn’t safe—a grocery run that wound up with the entire team stacked high with grocery bags as they walked back into the station? “Hey, I saw a piece about that drill—“

“Alright, who wants lunch?” Eddie was immensely thankful for Bobby’s distraction, not bothering to hide the fact that his interruption was far from a coincidence. By now, even Hen was looking at Buck like he was a crazy person at that point—or maybe just an asshole.

Somehow, after all of their calls, it only came to a head in the gym. Apparently, Buck had decided that the subtle approach (not that anything Buck did could be called subtle) wasn’t good enough, and for whatever reason decided that the gym was the best time to approach Eddie.

Honestly, if Eddie wasn’t a good thirty away from the first real workout he had had in weeks, he probably would have walked away.

“Eddie, you… you know who I am, right?”

His jaw twitching in time with his punches, Eddie finally relented from the poor bag and looked at Buck directly, jaw set as he started to rewrap his hands. “And what if I didn’t? You think this would have gone over well with HR, the new guy bringing up the worst days of my life and all but asking me about a fucking guardian angel?”

“Jesus, that’s not what I—“

“I met Athena.”

Eddie could almost hear Buck’s mouth shut, the clack of his teeth somehow louder than the din of the station behind him. “I met her and she told me that she didn’t know what had happened, and then she offered to make me forget. Forget about you, about everything, because not even she knew where you had wound up.” Eddie started, rolling his wrists easily. “She apologized to me, she said she missed you, well, not that she was alone in that sense. You should probably find a way to apologize to her, too. Let her know you’re okay. Hold the bag.” Eddie’s voice was low even as his tone started to sharpen, doing his absolute best to keep his face neutral, lest he want any attention from Hen or Bobby for harassing the new guy.

To Buck’s credit, he did as Eddie asked, holding the bag steady as Eddie started to wail on it anew, thankful that he at least had the temporary distraction of pressure against his knuckles to stop the urge to scream into the sky.

“Athena… she really did that?” Eddie didn’t respond, just threw another punch, grunting with the exertion. Buck’s voice was low, barely louder than the sound of Eddie’s hands making contact with the bag. “Is that what you want? An apology? Because I’m not going to apologize for saving you, Eddie, I’m not going to say sorry for not leaving you in the bottom of a pit to… I’m not sorry for that. So if that’s what you’re after, I don’t know what to offer you.”

Eddie threw a kick from his left, giving Buck plenty of time to adjust his grip before his ankle came smashing into the bag, panting as he stared Buck down, feeling the anger start to drain out of him as he breathed, shaking his head. “Buck, is that what you think this is about?”

Buck, bless him, just looked like a lost puppy when what Eddie said sunk in.

“You saved my life. I mean, you’ve always kept me safe, but back there you saved my life. You let me go home to my kid, you… I could never thank you enough for that. I’m not mad about that.” He shook his head, flexing his fingers as he took another fighting stance, his poster lower, more subdued than the all out attack he was waging before.

“Well then what—“

“I’m not mad at you because you left.” Eddie repeated, starting another round of punches, each hit slower, shorter, but packed with more force than was strictly necessary. “I’m mad at you because you fucking—because you didn’t come back. Because you chose not to come back. You went through the academy, top of the class, and that was eighteen weeks of you being here, just miles away from me in Los Angeles, and you let me think that you were dead that entire time. You were with me my whole entire life, you were a constant, and then I lost you, Buck, and I had to try and live with that. And then you show up at work today, and you’re alive, and human, and I’ve had barely eight hours to deal with all of this, after I—I fucking mourned you. I mourned you, and you let me, and that—that’s why I’m mad.”

Although, the more he spoke, the more Eddie realized that he wasn’t mad, not really, not that he would own up to it that easily. He wasn’t angry, he was just… crushed. His hook got sloppy and he went wide, eyes wild, stumbling only a little before catching himself on the bag.

“Why does everyone leave me? What did I do, Buck, why didn’t you come back?”

The sudden sound of footsteps drew his eye up to the loft where the next shift was pouring in, easily exchanging pleasantries with Eddie’s team, and Eddie felt the last bit of fight drain out of him as he started to unwind his gloves. The day was done. His shift was over. And after feeling nothing but empty for weeks, Eddie had just about exhausted the entire range of his emotional capabilities in less than a day.

“Eddie, I—“

“Forget it, Buck. I’ll see you tomorrow, or whatever.” Eddie said, not even bothering to look over his shoulder as he headed back to the locker area.

“Fire and Rescue, hello?”

Eddie was having another… long day. Not a bad day, not necessarily, but not a… great day either. He had still managed to get up, he had still brought himself to work, he still managed an honest smile when he kissed Chris goodbye, but he found himself hesitating before he wound up walking into the 118. He didn’t know if he could handle Buck again today—thankfully, it seemed like he didn’t have to. Buck was mostly absent that morning, giving Eddie enough apologetic looks over the table to display that he got he had been an asshole the day before (or, more likely, that Hen and Chim had verbally beat that fact into him before Eddie got there).

Their morning had gone off without incident—there had only been one real call outside a few false alarms, a moron with his head literally cemented into a microwave—and to be honest, Eddie couldn’t deny the fact that he loved how easily he and Buck could work together. Well, how easy they worked together when Buck shut up for three minutes.

Another save, an easy lunch, and Eddie’s eight hour shift looked like it would be ending easily when they got the call to head down to Torrence, walking into what felt like the worlds most mothball-scented Army Navy Surplus store.

Eddie felt his body tense up as soon as the word ‘grenade’, having to take a split second to remind himself that he was still in the States, he wasn’t in wartime, he was still safe. Because he was safe, they were okay, until Buck moved the dressings and a gold glint caught his eye.

“None of the guys I’ve worked with were dumb enough to shoot a live round into their own leg, but I’m familiar with the ordinance.”

Eddie felt his jaw twitch again as Buck stared him down, a tic that he was sure would come to be familiar in over the next few days. Honestly, he was starting to think that Buck was just bringing all the mess with him—he had gone months without a call that threatened his life and limb, and then as soon as Buck came back into his life, there he was, with a grenade stuck inside of some old, gun collecting bastard. He could almost feel the moment where Buck opened his mouth—it was the same feeling he got whenever Buck had appeared, years and years ago, whenever something extremely stupid was about to happen.

“I’m in.”

Of course he was.

For what it was worth, Buck had stellar bedside manner. It was easy for him to to make small talk with Charlie while he hung the morphine, asking about his wife, his life, and Eddie found himself a little bit reassured by how easily Buck was able to buckle down and rise to the situation. After all, Buck had been doing that for Eddie’s whole life—it would be a shame if he lost that skill when he could use it the most.

They kept their talk small and professional as Eddie worked, even though most of his work was giving short, clipped orders, like he was afraid that the grenade would be able to tell how stressed out he was and put them both out of their misery, then and there. They both let out a collective sigh of relief as the grenade plunked, solid and heavy into the bin, Buck hastily closing it like a lid would save them all if that thing were to blow up.

Eddie was just finishing up, throwing a few stitches to try and keep things together until Charlie could make it up to surgery when Buck finally found his voice.

“I was scared, Eddie.”

Eddie didn’t even bother looking up, his fingers working quickly. “I know, but we got it out, we just have to be careful not to move the box too much.”

“No. I mean, about coming back, about seeing you, I… I was scared.”

Eddie looked up as he threw another stitch, sparing a quick look to make sure that the old man was still out cold. When Buck looked up to him, Eddie rose his brows, giving him a little not of encouragement.

“You said I’ve been with you your whole life, but… that goes both ways, Eddie. I don’t even know what happened, one minute I had hurled you out of that lake, and the next I was nothing, there was just nothing, and then…” He took a breath as he moved the dressings, letting Eddie continue his easy stitchwort. “And then I was in a loft in Los Angeles, with a drivers license in my pocket and a brochure for the LAFD Academy on a dresser. I still don’t know how I got there, but I knew it would bring me to you.”

“Here, cut here.”

Buck snipped the end of Eddie’s suture easily, passing him a tube of antibacterial gel, dolloping it along the messy wound site.

“For the first time in years, I couldn’t feel you anymore. I didn’t know what you were doing, or how you were feeling, or if you were safe, and it scared me. I missed you, of course I did, but I knew that if I just went right back to you, it would be like nothing had changed, when really, everything had changed.” Eddie looked up as he covered the gel in an adhesive gauze patch, hanging another bag of fluids, eyes tracking between the steady blip of the heart monitor and the very live grenade in a bin at the end of the ambulance, while his brain tried to keep up with the live grenade that he and Buck were lobbing back and forth.

Nodding for Buck to open the back door, Eddie waited until they both had their feet on the ground to respond, rolling his neck. “Well, that’s kind of par for the course. Being scared, I mean.” he started, a small smile on his face as Buck looked back, catching his eye. Eddie shrugged, eye darting over to the rest of their team, still safely out of earshot as he nudged Buck’s shoulder, the motion easy and simple, muscle memory built up over years.

“Welcome to the human condition. It kind of sucks. You’re going to love it.”

And fuck, Buck was smiling again. Eddie would give anything to keep that look on his face, even as they handed Charlie off to the medics, even as the bomb squad guy called in the robot to… well, to do what, Eddie didn’t know. But that was the beauty of it all—he didn’t have to care anymore. All that mattered to him in that moment were his boots on his ground, the air around him, and maybe, if he played his cards right, the team he got to work with. He could feel Bobby’s eyes on him as he pulled his flac jacket off, a little slow on the uptake of whatever had happened in the ambulance.

“You know, you’re pretty badass under pressure.” Eddie said, his face curving up into the first real smile he had worn in days. Buck looked like a deer in the headlights, like Eddie must have been talking to someone, anyone else, and even Bobby cracked a grin as Eddie smacked him in the arm. “You can have my back any day.”

Buck looked, well, Eddie would have framed the look on Buck’s face if he could. It was a vision of pure joy, the simple sentence meaning more to both of them than anyone else could ever know, and Eddie had to resist the urge to pull him into a bone crushing hug as he kicked at the ground.

“Yeah. Or, you know, you could… You could have mine.”

If Eddie smiled any wider, he felt like his face was going to crack.

They were still not great—not by a long shot—but for the first time in almost six months, Eddie finally felt something close to closure, to peace, a starting point for the two of them that would take them both who-knows-where.

“Deal.”

And then, because nothing in Eddie’s life was ever easy, the ambulance exploded. Eddie wasn’t even phased at this point in his life—any exploding vehicle was fine by him as long as he wasn’t on it.

“Are, uh, are you guys hungry? There’s a great burger place around here, they’re open for another hour or so.”

Hanging back as the rest of his crew packed up, Bobby pulled his phone out of his pocket as it buzzed, a small smile gracing his lips as he unlocked it.

New Message from A - 11:12PM

Well? Was I right, or was I right?

“Cap, come on! Burgers wait for no man!”

To A - 11:14PM

They’re going to be one hell of a team.

#guardianangel!buck #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #911 #buddiefic #911fic #so happy to have this out of my drafts #srsly don't feel shy about pointing shit out to me #it's what I can do so I can an grow #FINALLY THIS IS DONE #I HATE IT ALREADY LMAOOO

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beauregardlionett · 4 years

Text

it’s hard to breathe sometimes

AO3 Link

A/N: for @buckleystrand for this post :D hope you enjoy!

Eddie’s in the middle of drafting a petition letter to the city to ban gas stoves from homes in his head when it all goes to shit.

They had been on hour twenty of a twenty-four-hour shift that had been steady but uneventful when the alarm went off. It was just after four in the morning and apparently someone hadn’t turned the gas for their stove off all the way. One thing leads to another, hot burner catches dishtowel on fire, owner’s out on a morning jog—boom. House fire.

The team had the flames mostly under control in terms of not spreading to other houses nearby, but inside was a whole other story. The gas line had only just been shut off when Eddie and Buck were sent inside, so whatever lingering gas was still in the pipes only added fuel to the literal fire. It would likely be under control soon, since there wouldn’t be anymore gas adding to the issue, but it was still risky.

Buck and Eddie were only in here because the homeowner wasn’t sure if her daughter had left for work yet. She took the bus according to the mother, so checking the garage was pointless, and was not answering her phone.

Poking his head into the last room on his side of the second floor, Eddie peered through the smoky haze and called out.

“LAFD, anybody in here?”

No response, nobody on the floor, under or in the bed, or in the closet.

Ducking from the room, Eddie made for the stairs, nearly colliding with Buck as they met up.

“Find anything?” Buck called over the roaring flames and groaning framework.

“Nobody,” Eddie confirmed. “You?”

“Empty as far as I found.”

Eddie is about to suggest they check the kitchen and living room one more time when their radios crackle simultaneously. Bobby’s voice filters through a second later.

“Buckley, Diaz, we got a response from the daughter. She’s at work already. Get out of there and we’ll get this fire put out and wrap up.”

“Copy that, Cap,” Eddie responds for them both. “On our way.”

He sends Buck down the stairs ahead of him, far more content to have eyes on his impulsive partner. The steps creak with ominous protest under their weight, and Eddie can feel his heart like a lump in his throat as his heartbeat thunders in his ears. What if the steps give out? Will he be able to push Buck to safety before they both go down? What if the stairs give out under Buck first? Will he be able to grab Buck in time?

He finds something new to fret about with every step they take down until they’re only three or four steps from the bottom. Eddie glances to his right on instinct, knowing that the kitchen is just down a short hallway—the heart of the inferno.

Buck gets to the bottom of the stairs and steps to one side to make sure Eddie gets down too.

Eddie gets to the bottom of the stairs. He looks to Buck and finds a familiar grin through the haze.

The stairs creak ominously, the wall chimes in. The ceiling roars its way into the melody as the trapped heat engulfs the drywall.

The next few seconds are a blur Eddie will never be able to untangle. He thinks Buck screams his name; he definitely sees the first moment of the rafters breaking through the ceiling. Then it’s just wood and flame, heat and jarring impact.

Everything spins for a moment, there’s roaring all around him. Bobby’s voice is a static, garbled alarm near Eddie’s ear.

Buck lies beside him on the ground. There’s something flashing on Buck’s turnout coat, a red light. Eddie knows it’s important, but he’s struggling to remember why.

God…it’s burning in here.

Everything snaps back into place with a sudden clarity that leaves Eddie dizzy. He sucks in a strangled breath and scrambles to his feet. That light is Buck’s oxygen indicator, and the red means it’s compromised. A quick glance of the situation gives Eddie everything he needs to know, and his heart rapidly descends from his throat to his stomach.

The beams in the ceiling had given way under the heat of the flare, and probably would have come down on top of them both if Buck hadn’t shoved them out of the way. But by putting himself between the falling debris and Eddie, it looks like one of the heavier beams caught Buck’s tank of oxygen.

Thankfully, Buck doesn’t seem pinned. Eddie isn’t sure if Buck himself got struck by anything, but he doesn’t have time to make that assessment here. With practiced ease, Eddie tamps down on every single emotion trying to rear its head and hauls Buck over his shoulders.

They exit the burning structure just as Bobby seems to instruct Chimney to head in after them.

“Cap!” Hen calls, rushing to meet them.

The team is on Eddie and Buck in seconds. Chimney and Bobby had the forethought to bring a gurney, so Hen helps Eddie deposit Buck as carefully as possible onto it. Hen tugs Buck’s helmet off the firefighter’s head and passes it off to Bobby. Chimney secures a c-collar around Buck’s neck seconds later. Hen’s already giving rapid-fire instructions to Chimney to grab an oxygen mask as she works Buck’s ruined tank off his back.

“Hen, take Eddie in the ambulance with you,” Bobby interrupts, face set in a neutral expression. They all know him better, though; know how worried he is. “He needs to get checked out, too. Contact me when you get there and I’ll meet you later.”

Bobby claps a hand down on Eddie’s shoulder as Chimney and Hen rush Buck’s gurney towards the waiting ambulance. The Captain gives Eddie a significant look before letting him limp after the rest of the team.

Chimney swings himself into the driver’s seat as Hen flits around the back over Buck. By the time Eddie climbs in and shuts the doors behind him, she’s already got an oxygen mask fitted over Buck’s face and is prepping other materials. She glances up at Eddie and gestures to the bench.

“Get your turnout gear off, okay? I need to check you over.”

Eddie’s quick to remove his helmet and oxygen tank, having nearly forgotten both were still on. Shedding his turnout coat and gloves, he glances up in time to watch Hen finish manipulating Buck’s coat away from his chest and arm. She attaches a line and slings the bag up onto a free shelf so she can keep working.

Buck blinks awake less than a minute later as Eddie helps Hen attach the ECG leads to Buck’s chest. He wheezes weakly into the oxygen mask and his eyes loll around in a daze before he blinks into focus.

“Hey there,” Eddie says, managing a grin down at Buck’s tired expression. “Welcome back, Buck. How ya feeling?”

“Smokey,” Buck whispers, sounding like hell. He looks a little pale, and Eddie is about to comment on his pallor when the machine registers the leads and starts giving them a reading. Hen frowns at the machine, and as Eddie scans over the numbers, he does too.

“Your heart rate’s a little high and pressure a little low there, Buckaroo,” Hen murmurs, placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. She looks down at Buck and gives his shoulder a careful squeeze. “Anything feeling off?”

“My arm hurts,” Buck rasps, eyelids drooping.

“Which arm, Buck?” Hen says, already shifting back into action. He manages a weak indication to his right arm, the one without the line in it. Eddie reaches to tap at Buck’s cheek as Hen works at Buck’s turnout coat again to expose his arm.

“Eyes open, Buck,” Eddie says, raising his voice a little. “You know the drill, bud. We’re almost at the hospital, stay awake.”

Chimney’s racing through the near empty streets. There are scarce few cars out with them at just shy of five in the morning and thus eliminating the worry of traffic impeding them. Eddie sends up a quiet thanks to the universe for small mercies.

His thanks are abruptly cut off when Hen curses beside him.

Buck’s right arm is exposed, now she’s got the coat pulled away, and it’s soaked in blood. The dark, loose fabric had hidden the slash and the spreading blood from them until now.

“His brachial artery got nicked, he’s loosing too much blood,” Hen says even as she scrambles to grab a wrap for a tourniquet. “He’s going to need a transfusion when we get to the hospital, we don’t know how long that’s been bleeding. Eddie, can you—”

She’s cut off by the sound of the AED pack alarm.

Eddie looks down at Buck’s face, only to find him pale, still, and his eyes closed.

“We lost the pulse,” Hen says, voice strangled. “Chim, drive faster!”

Eddie throws himself into action as Hen starts aggressively tying off the tourniquet on Buck’s arm. His movements are on autopilot, repetitive hours of CPR classes take over as he fits one hand over the other and positions himself over Buck’s chest. He’s dimly aware of Hen moving away from Buck’s arm and grabbing an Ambu-bag and replacing the oxygen mask with it over Buck’s face.

The ambulance rattles and the sirens wail as Chimney picks up speed.

Eddie counts out his pulses against Buck’s motionless chest and begs the universe he had just been thanking to give Buck back.

He pulls his hands back after thirty and gives a breathless, “check,” to Hen. Eddie’s eyes take in Buck’s slack features, barely hearing Hen’s frantic denial.

Eddie’s back to pushing on Buck’s chest before he even thinks about it, muttering under his breath as he counts in his head. A steady, mindless litany he whispers like liturgy, like it might yield him something other than faith.

“C’mon Buck,” he says. “Come on, man, don’t do this. We need you. I need you, Chris needs you.”

Repeatedly, muttering in time to the thrust of his hands against Buck’s sternum. Eddie feels a rib give way under his fingers and chokes on a sob in the middle of his pleas. But he’s back to his whispers a moment later, a new warble to his tone.

“Still no pulse, get clear,” Hen’s voice cuts through Eddie’s mounting hysteria. She’s pressing shock pads to Buck’s chest with practiced proficiency even before he’s backed away.

“Charging,” Hen calls to the ambulance as Eddie sits back with shaking limbs. “Clear!”

Buck’s torso arches off the gurney as electricity courses through him. The AED takes a moment to read before instructing Hen to shock Buck again. She calls the same cues and Eddie dimly realizes his hands are numb and he’s unable to look away from Buck’s face.

Eddie’s ears are ringing as he watches Buck’s body seize up with the second shock.

They wait as the machine registers.

The AED beeps once, twice.

“We’ve got a pulse!” Hen cries.

The ambulance lurches to a stop and there’s suddenly a flurry of movement as the doors fling open. Noise and scrambling are the prelude, then equipment adjustments made, and then the gurney carrying Buck whisks away. Eddie’s still sitting on the bench in the ambulance, his gear scattered beside him and ears ringing with the sudden silence. The ghostly sensation of Buck’s ribs breaking under Eddie’s hands lingers in his aching knuckles.

“Eddie?” Hen.

“You with us, man?” Chimney.

He thinks they’re on either side of him, coaxing him to his feet so he can sit on the floor with his legs hanging out the back. They’re checking him over, hands careful and methodical. Eddie thinks they give him an all clear, but he’s not sure how much time has passed. He feels stuck in a loop of those few seconds where he realized Buck had slipped away under his hands.

“Eddie,” Hen tries again, but he cuts her off with a hoarse voice.

“He was gone.” Hen and Chimney share a look around him as Eddie continues. “He wasn’t there…and I almost lost him.”

“You know Buck’s a stubborn fighter, Eddie,” Hen murmurs. “He’s back, and they’re not going to let him leave again. None of us will.”

“Buck’s come back from a lot worse, Eddie,” Chimney says with a confidence Eddie wishes he had right now. “Knowing him, he’ll be running around the fire house sooner rather than later.”

Eddie nods numbly, wishing he believed their words as much as they did.

“Let’s head inside, Eds,” Chimney says, he and Hen tugging with careful coaxing at his arms. “We need to call Cap, and we’ll be there for Buck when he wakes up.”

When. Eddie clung to that word. Not if. When.

He glimpses the brightening horizon as they lead him into the waiting room and hopes it’s a good sign.

---------------------------

He’s really starting to hate hospitals. Eddie was never fond of them to begin with, but the amount of times Buck had landed himself in a hospital bed in the past year only amplified that hatred. The machines were redundant, the steady beeping of the heart monitor, the click and whir of the oxygen line, the paced inflation and deflation of the blood pressure cuff, and the ever so subtle drip from the IV were a reliable descant. One Eddie was far too familiar with and all too tired of hearing—like an overplayed pop song on the morning radio.

Bobby had come through about fifteen minutes prior, bearing coffee and a bland hospital breakfast pastry for Eddie. The Captain had taken one look at Buck laid up in the bed and sighed like the world lay upon his shoulders. Eddie could have sworn he watched Bobby age another five years in front of him.

“You kids are going to give me stress ulcers one of these days,” Bobby had said, running his fingers through Buck’s dirty hair.

Eddie hadn’t responded, and it was obvious Bobby hadn’t been expecting an answer.

“Take the day off, Eddie,” Bobby had said, patting Eddie’s shoulder on the way out. “Call us when he wakes up, okay? The rest of us are going in because I couldn’t get anyone to cover on such short notice. But we’ll come running if you need us.”

Eddie thinks he might have managed a strained acknowledgement, but he honestly can’t remember. The coffee cup sits cold in his hand now as he stares at Buck’s sleeping face. The pastry is all but forgotten on the table beside the bed.

Running a hand down his face, Eddie heaves out a heavy breath and reminds himself to call Carla later. She had already been taking Chris to school that morning, but he had called earlier to ask if she wouldn’t mind picking him up, too. Carla—the angel she is—had agreed even before Eddie explained the situation. He needed to keep her updated, along with the team.

“Eddie?”

His head snapped up, eyes wide, heart racing.

Buck’s eyelids were heavy, but they were open. Eddie was out of his chair and on the edge of Buck’s bed in a heartbeat, coffee set aside.

“Hey, Buck,” Eddie said breathlessly.

“What happened?”

“You took a nasty hit when the ceiling came down in that house fire yesterday morning. Doctor said you were unconscious so long because of the blood loss, but it’s good to see you awake, man.”

Buck’s brow furrowed, nodding wearily as he flinched a little, hand drifting towards his chest.

“Ah, shit,” Buck hisses out. “Did I break a rib?”

“I did,” Eddie whispers, fingers aching with the memory. “You flat lined in the ambulance on the way here.”

“Oh,” Buck says after a moment, looking a little lost with the information. “I’m sorry.”

Eddie looks at Buck like he’s grown a second head, and Buck just stares at where his hands are resting on the bed. His fingers pick with idle attention at the tap securing his IV line and Eddie suppresses the urge to slap Buck.

“Did,” Buck looks up as Eddie falters. “Did you just apologize for flat lining?”

Buck doesn’t seem to have an answer, looking a little bewildered by the question.

“Because I’m sure I misheard you,” Eddie continues in lieu of Buck’s silence. “There’s no way you are apologizing for something you had no control over, right? I mean that just makes it seem like you think it was a burden for me to bring you back to life like I wouldn’t do it again in a heartbeat. Right, Buck?”

Buck, looking properly chastised, and fighting a tiny smile, nods.

“Good,” Eddie says, taking Buck’s hand in his own, running his thumb over Buck’s knuckles. A few of them are bruised from the tumble they took, and Eddie keeps his touch careful. His own knuckles still bear a phantom ache from breaking Buck’s ribs, but it’s easier to ignore that now Buck is up and talking.

Eddie catches Buck glancing at the coffee and pastry at the bedside table. He watches a knowing smirk quirk up the corner of Buck’s mouth.

“The team knows now, don’t they?”

“Oh, absolutely,” Eddie says without hesitation.

“How much do you think Hen won from that?”

“Considering that I’m pretty sure Bobby already knew, I think they’ll be splitting the pot.”

Buck huffs a brief laugh, careful of his ribs, and squeezes Eddie’s hand.

“How long do you think they’ll tease us for?”

“Longer than necessary,” Eddie chuckles, brushing his lips across Buck’s knuckles. He doesn’t care what the team thinks, he’s just glad he has Buck here in front of him. They can handle whatever comes their way.

#writing #my writing #buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 #911 on fox

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