#Just struggling so many years mentally and since i was so young i couldn't make the connection why i was feeling like it? Like the first | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jessicas-pi · 4 months

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Ok so continuing on from this slightly bonkers ramble, I give you: More Spur-Of-The-Moment Thoughts About The Bo And The Blueberry AU.

(for clarity, i'm splitting this up into rebels-era and mandoverse-era..)

rebels-era:

Due to the bad experiences he'd been through on the streets, Ezra was nonverbal for a long time. During his stay on Krownest, he would spend hours painting with Alrich and Sabine, because it made him feel heard even if he couldn't find the words to speak.

Bo-Katan said the adoption vows to Ezra on an impulse. She had just told him that she hadn't been able to save his parents, and he had started to cry. She had never thought of adopting him as her own son, but she changed her mind in that moment and never looked back.

Korkie and Ezra are cousins, but Korkie is honestly closer to an older-brother figure to him. Korkie was very interested in the Jedi when he was young, so he has the knowledge to help teach Ezra about the Force, and how to control and hide his powers. (When Ezra eventually gets the Darksaber, Korkie is his second-most vocal supporter. Bo-Katan is the only one who has him beat.)

When Ezra is about eight, Bo-Katan decides he does need some Jedi training, more than she and Korkie can provide, and sets out to find herself a Jedi who can teach this kid. She ends up on Gorse just in time to plummet headfirst into the plot of A New Dawn. Kanan, upon finding out what she wants, refuses to train Ezra. Bo-Katan is not so easily deterred. She makes a game out of finding Kanan and Hera, helping out on a mission, and then delicately pointing out just how many times she's saved their butts and they really owe her one and yknow Ezra could really use some Jedi lessons...

When Ezra is ten, Maul kidnaps him. Bo-Katan seeks out Kanan again--she knows she can't stop Maul on her own.

In this AU, Kanan defeats Maul, but Bo-Katan is the one to strike the killing blow. She may not be a Jedi, she may not have the Force, but she's a Mandalorian mom. Nobody hurts her boy and lives to tell the tale.

After his kidnapping, Ezra struggles with the Dark side, which gives Kanan the final push he needs to train Ezra. Ezra's recovery is difficult, but he pulls through and is brighter than ever.

Due to Kanan and Ezra training together, connections begin to form between the Mandalorian Resistance and the outside rebellion. By the time Ezra is a teenager, the two groups are cooperating fully.

Bo-Katan knows who Fulcrum is--she recognized the symbol as Ahsoka's face-marking.

Ezra built his first lightsaber with a kyber crystal he found in the Living Waters.

Ezra is much healthier, due to not having to scavenge for his food for most of his childhood. He hit a growth spurt when he was thirteen, shortly before he went to the Imperial Academy and reunited with Sabine. She says she's taller. He says they're the same height. They refuse to measure themselves together and settle it because they're both secretly afraid they're wrong. This is an ongoing argument for the next ten years.

Ezra and Sabine were both really surprised to meet each other at the Academy. I have a funny mental image in my head of them both taking off their helmets at the same time, doing a double take, and then just *spider-man pointing meme* "YOU!"

He was worried for a while that she would turn him in, either as a Force-sensitive or as a spy, but she eventually gave him a vaguely-worded hint that she was keeping his secrets for him.

Sabine still has a big falling-out with her family, but this time, since the Duchess was never used, it's more about the machine's creation itself (and Sabine's decision to run away to the Imperial Academy.) She ends up joining the Spectres for a little while before Hera convinces her to reconcile with her mother. Afterwards, Sabine (and her family) end up joining in with the Mandalorian Resisance.

Korkie, Ezra, Sabine, and Tristan earn the title of Gremlin Squad. Leia is an honorary member as well. Korkie is a lot older than them, but he has enough chaos energy to fit right in.

Ezra and Sabine spend about a year apart during their late teens. By the time they meet again, Ezra has started pulling his hair back. Sabine thanks the Force that she managed to handle the reunion normally because for the first minute and a half there was nothing in her brain except oh no ponytail hot

Thrawn is still purgilled, but since Ezra is a Mandalorian and has a jetpack, he's able to fly out of the window and doesn't get yoinked into the unknown with Thrawn.

mandoverse-era:

So, Mandoverse events take place about five years sooner than in canon. this is solely for the purpose of giving ezra a Chaotic 23 Year Old Who May Not Have His Life Figured Out But By Golly He Has A Laser Sword vibe.

(I've figured some more stuff out, so bear with me because I've changed up the part about Din's introduction from what I said yesterday.)

Luke has also become an honorary member of the Gremlin Squad at this point. He and Ezra met up and discussed their Jedi training. Ezra meets Ben Solo at some point too. He recognizes in the child the same Dark influences that Ezra himself went through after Maul took him, and helps the boy pull through. Ben never Falls, thus averting the events of the sequel trilogy. Luke is secretly a little jealous that Ben thinks his honorary uncle Ezra is cooler than his actual uncle Luke, to which Ezra says, "Aliit ori'shya tal'din."

With Luke's help, the Gremlin Squad becomes the Official Jedi Search-And-Rescue Club. They go looking for more Jedi survivors and invite them to Luke's Jedi school on Mandalore. (Cal and Merrin are some of the first to show up.)

This search for Jedi ends up leading Ezra and Tristan to the planet Arvala-7... mere days after Din Djarin has already retrieved Grogu (AKA the Jedi they were looking for.)

(Din is there early because Moff Gideon's inability to take over Mandalore has moved up the timeline on some other events.)

(Also, Moff Gideon still has the Darksaber, but in this AU, he didn't get it from Bo-Katan, since Bo never got it from Sabine, because Sabine never went to Dathomir, because the events of Visions and Voices never happened. Instead, Gideon got it from Morgan Elsbeth, who took it from Maul's creepy cave and passed it on to him so he could. like. flex on the mandalorians or something idk.)

Ezra and Tristan track Din, because they're worried about Grogu. They constantly follow him for, like, basically 1 1/2 seasons of The Mandalorian. They're always just slightly behind and keep showing up a tiny bit too late to get mixed up in Plot Events.

When Bo-Katan offers to bring Din and Grogu to her Jedi Mandalorian son, Din is not expecting to see one of the two Mandalorians who have been following him constantly. The misunderstanding takes a bit of explaining to clear up.

Oh yeah also. Ezra's response to Bo telling him that she insulted Din to his face when they first met was "Oh, so you're into him?" It was a joke, but the more he saw of the two of them together, the more he started to wonder if there might actually be something there.

When Grogu gets kidnapped, the (official) members of the Gremlin Squad join in the rescue.

After winning the Darksaber and reluctantly agreeing to be Mand'alor, Ezra decides not to live in the palace in Sundari. Mandalore is a dead planet, and a Jedi needs to live with the living. He sets up as Mand'alor on Kalevala, under Bo-Katan's guidance.

Sabine is Ezra's official advisor and Korkie is his PR guy, but Korkie is the one with actual good advice and Sabine is kind of a miracle worker for PR (when she tries. which is not often.) Bo points out that it would make sense to switch their titles, but Ezra thrives on chaos and so he refuses.

Ezra refuses to sit on his Mand'alor Throne in any remotely normal or dignified way. He slouches. He lounges. He sprawls. He sits upside-down. He does one-handed handstands. He and Korkie and Tristan all squeeze together and sit on the throne in identical sets of armor to mess with people. Ezra's Throne Antics are a source of constant exasperation for Bo.

Speaking of the throne, Sabine has claimed the armrest as her official Mand'alor Advisor seat. She thinks sitting there makes her look cool. and yknow what? She's right. It does make her look cool.

Oh yeah, also, nobody knows that Sabine is Ezra's advisor. She wears a plain set of armor, keeps her helmet on, and goes by an alias. This disguise is supposedly for security purposes, but it's actually to keep herself out of the gossip holomagazines. She gets enough attention just as acquaintances with Ezra... imagine what would happen if the press found out she was the one lounging on the armrest of his Mand'alor Throne!

Sabine is also Ezra's bodyguard. She volunteered enthusiastically and kind of begged for the position. Sabine takes a maniacal delight in ferreting out assassination attempts and turning the hunters into the hunted, so to speak. It's like if Kevin McCallister was homicidal.

The first time a Mandalorian clan leader proposes marriage to Ezra, Tristan laughs so hard he falls out of his chair.

----

I have to leave for work now, but I'll probably ramble some more tonight!

#Bo and the Blueberry AU #bo katan kryze #ezra bridger #mandalorian ezra bridger #sabezra #dinbo

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red-hibiscus · 2 months

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BL characters I relate to most as a mentally ill gay trans man

Daisy from SCOY

Surprising no one, I, a trans person, relate to Daisy. They're outgoing and seemingly don't care about how people view them. They know they're visibly queer and they normally don't mind it (from what I see). But at the end of the day, society does affect them. They're hesitant to believe Touch genuinely cares and is attracted to them despite Touch being an absolute green flag who is very direct with his flirting. Even after, Daisy was worried about people would view their relationship with Touch and tried to become Day, a more masculine version of themself. Impossible of course and they broke down emotionally exhausted. I feel that so much because I also don't believe it when people, especially cis gay men, are attracted to me. I've caught myself trying to change my behavior to be more masculine (as I'm a bit on the nonbinary side of things). It's bad, but I know how Daisy feels.

Wang from 180 Degree Longtitude Passes Through Us

As a 26 year old trans gay immigrant in a country that doesn't want me, I have a shit ton of pent up anger that has been building up since I was a child. I've calmed down over the years, but I can still be stubborn and argumentative when it comes to politics and human rights. I'm also a linguistics major, thus an academic.

Wang is so much like myself and like a lot of people around me. Like me and Wang would be close friends irl I know it. We're young and stubborn. We're angry at the older conservative people around us, too much sometimes. So he lashes out. Many of his points are correct, but they're not hitting. Partially because the people he's talking to don't want to change, partially because he himself is stubborn. People like us yearn to be free, to be ourselves and to learn. Wang has a passion for the humanities like myself. Yet he knows society really only cares about STEM fields. I've compromised and am getting a master's in computational linguistics. Even though really I just wanna learn as much as I can about sociolinguistics.

Karl from Gaya Sa Pelikula

I haven't watched GSP in a hot minute, but I do remember feeling very seen.

So in the show Karl has his gay awakening, tries to internally and externally deny it, and eventually let himself be free to feel everything and be himself (at least in private).

Now I didn't have a gay awakening, but I guess you could say a trans awakening. In middle school I felt different, I suspected maybe some flavor of LGBT, but wasn't sure and I was too afraid to think about it too hard. Come high school I secretly wanted to join the LGBT club, but was afraid. Then I was essentially adopted into the LGBT club and dragged into the friend group during lunch because I was a loner like everyone else. At the time still "identified" as a cishet woman. As time went on people started to suspect. "Why are you in the club?", "why did you cut your hair", "why do you dress like that?", "your voice is low for a girl haha", etc. Much like Karl, I was not ready for any of that. I was still struggling to make sense of it all and come to terms with it myself. So I kept rejecting it and every time it hurt.

I kept rejecting it until I couldn't. Until someone I resonated with so much came out as trans and it clicked. My trans awakening was complete. I became able to be more myself, but only in private safe spaces. I wouldn't come out and live as a man until after high school and it was terrifying.

Adachi from Cherry Magic

I've only watched the jpn ver, but I'm sure that character remains the same.

I'm anxious and used to be quite shy. Now I'm just awkward. I'm really bad at seeing the good in myself cause I feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in life. Not that impressive. So when people compliment me I think "haha they're just being nice" (refer back to me never believing people are actually attracted to me).

Adachi is the exact same. He has the same routine every day. Just going through the motions and not really thinking anything of himself. But then Kurosawa comes along and the ability to read minds. Adachi then realizes "wait, someone I respect so much actually loves me? And thinks I have a lot of good qualities? Makes me wanna cry." And me too Adachi. I'd be the same.

Jared from 7 Days Before Valentine

Jared, my precious baby, is described throughout the show as kind, but weird and different. We later learn that he has dyslexia, and honestly he seems to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Even if he isn't, he has a behavioral difference people pick up on and then shun him for it.

I too was seen as kinda weird growing up. Maybe it was the autism, maybe it was the social anxiety. Probably both. And then of course there was the gnawing feeling that I was different than everyone else and it turns out it's because I'm trans.

So when Jared said that people didn't talk to him because he wasn't like other people it hit me so hard.

Myungha from Love For Love's Sake

The whole show is sad yet cathartic for me. Myungha is depressed yet spends his time comforting others. He has a hard time loving and receiving love. If you give him a fictional character who is very similar to him he will love them and see all the good, but he doesn't see it in himself. Relatable as hell.

I have an incredibly hard time being honest with my emotions and letting people love me and express attraction. Mostly in a romantic/sexual context. Dpdr is cockblocking me. So dating is hell, but I'm lonely and yearn to not be.

Probably if you put me in a situation like Myungha I'd also go "yep, that right there is my blorbo" and then not realize that all the things I like about the person and make me care about them are things I have.

Honorable mentions:

Both Akk and Ayan from The Eclipse

Nozue from Old Fashion Cupcake

Oh-Aew from I Told Sunset About You

Cher from A Boss and a Babe (I headcannon him as autistic)

Amber from DNA Says Love You

Uea from Bed Friend

Mitsuomi from Restart After Come Back Home

Jao from SCOY

Maybe I'll make another post for those later

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trillscienceofficer · 10 months

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I saw you said in the tags that you don't agree with Seven being about 13 etc, and I could not agree more because it irks me so much when people say how Seven was mentally 6 when they freed her from the Borg, or something to that effect. She was abused by the Borg to the point of not having her own thoughts but she still aged. Maybe she struggled socially after she was freed from that but it didn't take away the years she spent in the collective. It's basically infantilizing and paired with Seven being perceived as autistic by some, or just the fact that she went though the trauma of being Borg, is ableism to me. End of rant.

I apologize for not replying sooner to this ask but I wanted to grab a couple of links before replying because yes, I think you're totally right that saying anything to that effect (that Seven is actually a child, or that 'she doesn't actually know what's best for her') is infantilization of a character who is canonically a physically disabled adult, as well as having a very strong subtext for neurodivergence, and that it plays into ableist stereotypes that contribute to making the lives of real disabled people tangibly worse.

First, I want to make clear that no matter how muddled the metaphors get when it comes to Seven (and oh boy do they, between the cyborg technobabble and the completely absurd way Seven was "dressed" and made up on Voyager, talking about her is always a struggle), she is disabled. She makes use of many prosthetics and she has to regenerate (ie she has to make use of an external device) regularly or there are unpredictable consequences to her health. I realize this is maybe not super clear from the text, which sometimes conveniently forgets about Seven's limitations re: regeneration (see this post) and turns her prosthetics into a sort of superpower; I'm not saying it's an accurate depiction of disability by any means, but it's not something that can be completely ignored when discussing Seven either. In all honesty I've downplayed this aspect of Seven's character in the past and I really regret it because after it was pointed out to me, it's indeed pretty obvious. The trauma of Borg assimilation was disabling, and it's embodied in Seven even more than it is in other xBs, since it happened to her so young. She can never 'get rid' of it and she doesn't exactly want to, either*, even with all her very understandable ambivalence about it ("I am human, but I am also Borg").

(*I think Picard S2 makes this argument more complicated but recent live-action shows have been truly fucking awful at dealing with disability and metaphors thereof so I won't try to make sense of it. What matters is that Seven ultimately couldn't be 'magically cured' there either.)

ETA: I forgot to add, Seven is absolutely an adult. To me there's no question about it; she's played by an adult and none of her storylines, none of her struggles about figuring out how to be an individual in a group, about how to live with the terrible guilt and responsibility about her actions as Borg drone make sense if she isn't an adult. The whole character of Seven of Nine falls apart if she isn't an adult who is struggling with the terrible consequences of trauma.

Second, infantilization is a very real manifestation of ableism. This article defines infantilization as "a nondisabled person having more power than a disabled person and using that power against them to invalidate their thoughts, opinions or experiences. This can show up in numerous ways, such as indirectly speaking to a disabled person or assuming that the individual can't advocate or speak for themselves." In short, treating a disabled person like a child who needs to be directed at all times and who is assumed to not fully understand the ramifications of any independent decisions. It's not a matter of just language, either: the same article points out that 1.3 million disabled adults in the US were under conservatorship in 2018, and that forced sterilization of disabled adults is still legal in at least 31 US states plus Washington D.C. So let me make this super clear: disabled adults having their autonomy revoked, especially their bodily autonomy, is absolutely an issue in our current world. And it all stems from this ableist conceptualization of disabled adults as being like children, incapable of making the right decisions by themselves and for themselves, especially about their own bodies.

Now it's maybe clearer how this relates to Seven's whole deal, both in the show and in fandom. On the show, so many things about her prosthetics and about her looks were decided by the Doctor without consulting her at all, and how ironic it is that the one taking the decisions is a hologram coded with the biases of so many medical professionals, and it's one of those cases when no one, no one challenges the EMH! Sure, the Doctor pretty much saved her by making the reclamation process very smooth, but of course the idea that he can 'shape her' and ultimately 'cure her' of her disabilities (subtextual neurodivergence included) keeps popping up in the show pretty frequently, and she almost never gets a word in edgewise. Seven and the Doctor end up striking up a friendship, and things get a little less eyebrow-raising, but still it's pretty horrifying how the sexism of the production translates into ableism diegetically, though to be fair to Voyager it's definitely not the only Trek show where this happens. It's just that being about Seven, it's a very sustained theme on Voyager, and one I really wish wasn't there.

Off the show, in fandom, I think it would behoove us to at least try to do better than Voyager. Ultimately Seven of Nine is a fictional character that has no real feelings to hurt etc, but again what message does it send to real people when (part of) the fandom insists that Seven is 'mentally a child' or 'doesn't know what's best for her' and can't take her own decisions about her own future, even her own name? Again I'm not saying this to be a scold, and I can recognize that I haven't always been fair in my approach of Seven's disability. There's a lot of work I still need to do, and language is just a very tiny start. But it is a start nonetheless; I'd like it if people could see it as well.

#askbox #this post owes a lot to @avoicefromthestars once again #whose perspective really opened my eyes on this issue #seven of nine #voy #ableism #ask me to tag

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doberbutts · 10 months

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Thank you for talking about the “able to get to the door but unable to stay inside” thing re:stimulation. My issues are less severe than yours were (creates chronic fatigue instead of severe meltdowns) but it’s kinda the first time I’ve heard anyone discuss them as a legitimate disabling barrier. I still have this “if I just try hard enough” mentality that I’m trying to overcome, and it helps to have someone else go “no, this is a real problem.”

Honestly the brain injury really opened my eyes because I do have ADD and had childhood epilepsy (been seizure-free since I was 8 tho) so we were somewhat conscious about sensory stuff but a lot of it was like. Okay every once in a while you will touch something that is Bad Texture and you will scrub your skin raw about it for the next couple of hours. Annoying repeating sounds fade into the background for you but God Forbid anyone talks while you're concentrating because now they've ruined everything. You'd rather starve than put Tastes Bad into your mouth and have gone to bed with hunger pains many times as a result. etc etc etc for me it wasn't so disabling but largely that was due to my mom knowing how to manage my symptoms and teaching me from a very young age how to cope.

And then with the seizures my major warning sign was a colossal headache that refused to go away which was a sign to go lay down somewhere quiet and dark for a few hours until it passed or else a lightning storm would happen in my skull :D

But the brain injury... that really upset everything. Which is commonly reported, when I was finally able to speak I told my neurologist that I felt like a completely different person and not in a good way and he said that most TBI survivors have said this.

Honestly the best way I can describe it is that. Hmm. Imagine... your TV is too loud. When I say too loud I mean like. It hurts to be in the same room as the TV, it's bordering on the edge of so loud that it makes you physically take a step back. When the TBI first happened, that was any and every stimulus to my senses. My clothes touching my skin was Too Loud. Tasting my food was Too Loud. The ambient light coming from my window was Too Loud. And so on and so forth. Because there was an actual damaged piece of my brain, it was really struggling to parse any more information than "oh, no, ow, make that stop".

I wore blacked out glasses inside because I couldn't stand to keep my eyes open otherwise. I would ask my roommates to whisper several rooms down if they were going to talk to each other or on the phone because even just hearing their footsteps was like someone was taking a hammer to my forehead. I was usually naked because the feel of my shirt against my back would set me off. There's a lot I can't remember from that time but I remember being so frustrated as I hid under my covers from the light and the ambient noise of living with a bunch of people and their pets that "trying harder" and "pushing through" honestly just made everything worse.

It's a lot better now. It'll be 5 years in July. But every once in a while something will still set me off and I will be back in that place, frustrated with myself as I feel my brain hurtling towards a Very Loud Meltdown that I cannot get to stop.

I just don't appreciate being told that it's somehow lesser because my legs work. Especially considering TBIs are so common, and they happen so fast. All it takes is one good knock on the head and then you'll be just like me.

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scoutverse · 1 year

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Spider-Scout, era & info

SCOUTS HONOUR: freshly 'bitten' by an organic mechanical spider (with symbiote DNA inside) off to fight crime. Still learning what responsibilities mean as a new hero and the start of the endless web of his mistakes. A completely homemade suit with whatever he had around the house or could buy for cheap

THE ECCENTRIC SPIDER-SCOUT: current era and what I base most of my art around. Fully established web crawling hero with a whole sinister six up on his case and many other issues. This is still a work in progress so that's really it

HUNTERS REST: when you've been a hero since you were 19, you get tired after doing it for 24 years and going through more trauma than you can count. Of course, it's a struggle to stop being the neighborhood hero but it's for the best. Whilst the new upgrades can make him seem more intimidating he has made him abit more likeable to seem more friendly to the people he isn't trying to scare

(more info below)

+ extra character sheet with detailed & simplified version of his suit

Name: Spider-Scout

Real name: Peter Anderson

Hero or villain: hero/ anti hero

Gender: male (trans)

Height: 5'11

Age: 27 (19/20 when started)

Sexual Orientation: bisexual

Occupation: was an assistant at OsCorp then worked for Octavious after he (Otto) became a villain also a superhero, after the separation of him and Otto he is a fully time hero and part time mercenary for hire. Payment is optional (most give atleast some form of payment)

Powers and Abilities: Fear pheromone; able to release a gas from his mouth that makes people perceive him as a scary entity, blurs their Vision and leaves them their brain mildly affected - able to sense he's around after being gassed due to subconscious fear. Super strength (at minimum can lift up to 11 tons, haven't tried to lift heavier yet), speed (faster than average human), agility and flexibility, web shooting from wrists, faster healing than the average human

Power Limitations: can only produce gas when feeling extremely scared or mad - so life or death situations, Due to flexibility does experience alot of aches in his bones, webs come from his body so them being pulled on whilst still attached to his wrists would hurt, mental issues can effect his webs abilities

Weapons: knuckle claws, arm spikes, anything he can pick up and throw, webs

Gadgets/Tech: his 'tail', it's a small Robot spider that curls into itself to create a small bug butt attached to his belt, it's his scouting bot and can perform missions for him if he's busy (has loads but the one attached to him is for emergencies)

Physical Weaknesses: can still be killed and harmed like a normal person

Mental/Emotional Weaknesses: is traumatised asf

Backstory:

Lost his parents at 13, had to live with his grandparents until he was able to move out. He was able to work young and still had to be the adult of the house and had to take care of his himself despite struggling to juggle his education and job. Hence why he quit collage during his 3rd year so he could go into full time employment to keep the rent paid

Ben parker was a regular at the cafe he worked at, he could sense something was wrong with Peter's life and tried to cheer him up. Commenting how much he looked just like his nephew. Ben paid for a trip for his nephews birthday. A trip to the small closed off city where all the best science was - opening their doors for limited time in search for new minds. He had a spare ticket since aunt may couldn't go and gave it to Peter

He accepted and that's when it happened. The incident. Whilst checking out a more closed off area a released robo Symbiote found him and they bonded. The spider bit him and crawled under his skin and fused with his DNA. He was in hospital for a week, everything caught on camera. He was puking up blood and shredded organ. His body completely altering itself, rapidly growing new cells, his body dying from the inside and just as quickly healing. Having to grow accustomed to the alien now changing his entire DNA. Growing new small organs and muscles in his body.

No one understood what was happening to him since his cells looked healthier and stronger than the average person.

Peter became an intern at OsCorp after being infected by one of their spiders. He made a deal that he could be an assistant in the robotics lab, running for coffee and dealing with tasks everyone else is too busy to do. By the time he started he was 20 (his birthday recently gone by)

Otto was made to deal with Peter as his assistant. Basically to babysit this menace who threatened to ruin the company. He obviously didn't like Peter for this and just generally found his personality tiresome. But over time, 3 years ago by, he saw Peter actually had a passion for building, designing and robotics even if he wasn't all that good at it due to inexperience. He starts giving him small tasks, creating a model for him and sees that Peter is a creative and visual learner. Understanding what it's like to not have the right kind of education to support your way of thinking, he takes him under his wing. Their relationship becomes more personal as the years pass and it's become a "we both have crushes on each other and alot of romantic tension but idk what to do or if I should make a move" and this only gets worse when Otto splits ties with Norman and becomes a villian. (Scout is 25 when this happens, he only works with Otto for one more year before they become enemies full time)

Additional, he did run into Ben parker again before he began to work at Oscorp officially. a mugger was following Ben - scout saw when he was about to go on protrol. Recognizing the old man but it wasn't like they new each other, not really. Peter just thought he was being paranoid and ignored the men. There was no gun visible. He was still learning about what his spider sense was and thought it was just his anxiety playing up.

When he heard yelling he immediately rushed back but by the time he arrived, the mugger fired his gun. In panic scout latched a web onto Ben and tried to swing him out the way but it only made things worse. The bullet hit right in an artery.

The mugger ran off and scout ran towards ben, throwing off his mask. He tried to console ben as he died. And ben believing it was HIS peter, Peter Parker and peter Anderson do look very much alike. Almost uncomfortably similar, their biggest differences are their noses and eyes. Pure coincidence. But when you're an old man without his glasses and bleeding out, you can't tell that especially since your vision's blurring from tears. He gave him the "great power comes great responsibility" (a different context obviously for a non spiderman Peter Parker ) and scout promised he'll make things right. He'll be better

Spider-Scout was seen as a menace. Blamed for the death of Ben parker due to a witness who say scout get Ben killed (and fled the scene right after). He found Peter parker and tried to tell him that he tried to save his uncle. That his uncle was a good kind man and he never wanted anything bad to happen to him but things escalated. Poor, scared and furious Peter parker, 17 and still mourning his uncle, gets angry and tries to fight Scout.

Scout, 19 and riddled with issues and intense feelings of guilt and anxiety snaps a little. His fear gas releasing and he sees the effects it has. Shocked that he could even do that. He kept trying to apologize but his presence only terrified the young parker even more. So he left.

#my art #spidersona #scoutverse

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error-dream-was-found · 8 months

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What is the Mumza adopts Dream AU? When does this adoption happen?

Glad you asked!

What this idea is? It's exactly what it sounds like -Kristin decides to adopt Dream. When? Prison arc!

So basically, as the result of torture Dream very often finds himself in front of the death's door ... literally. He is half death/death most of the time. Slow bleeding out before Sam arrives to fix him a little, countless non-cannon deaths, either results of Quackity's recklessness or throwing himself in lava. Kristin has a plenty of time to get to know him and grows fond of him. He doesn't have many visitors so someone to talk with is nice. But the human seems to be worse for wear with every next visit and not just in terms of physical injuries that killed him. His mental state is also going downhill.

And at one point Kristen had enough. She's not letting the kid suffer any longer! (is Dream a man in his twenties? Yes. Does that stop a few thousands years old goddess from seeing him like a kid? No.) Her husband takes in strays all the time, it's her turn now!

It's no struggle for her to get him out of prison and to arctic. Dream for his part is very confused about what just happened, even more so when Kristin starts to argue with Phil who wasn't very happy with his wife's idea. Unsurprisingly she won so now Dream's their kid!

You can imagine how Tommy and Wilbur (revived at this point) reacted ....

Snippet:

Kristin watched with sad eyes as Dream rocked himself on the floor, trying and failing to stop the tears streaming down his face. It's been a while since he died but so far he didn't managed to calm down. It broke the goddess' heart a little to see him like this. By human standards Dream was an adult but he felt so young to her, he was just 20 something. Compared to her eternal existence it was nothing. Curled like this, covered in wounds he looked even younger. He looked like a kid and Kristen was immediately remind of her 4 boys.

"Oh, dear ..."

She tried to reach for him, to offer comfort and take the pain away, he flinched from her touch and it hurt more than it should. She was the death, mortals flinched away from her, it was in their nature. But this one was different, he didn't fear her. Right now it seemed like he feared everyone and looking at the hideous wounds lining his body Kristin couldn't blame him. Somehow each one of his deaths seemed to be more horrific than the previous one.

"Dream, darling? I'm just trying to help you."

The blonde shook his head silently.

"It hurts. I-I don't deserve this ... I don't deserve ... I just want it to stop hurting ..."

Her poor boy, just how much pain did they put him through? She wished she could grant his wish and stop the pain. She could keep him with her, in her realm but she thought better of it. This human had a lot of life in front of him. It wasn't his time yet so how .... Suddenly she remembered her sons. Wilbur was her's and Phil's, but Techno, Tommy and Tubbo joined their family later, in different ways. Phil found them and took them in. He helped them heal, offered them a home and family. The things Dream so desperately needed. The thing Kristin might be able to provide him. If Phil could bring in any random kid what was stopping her?

Closing the distance between them she carefully warped the human in a hug, the same thing she did for her sons whenever she was able to visit the mortal realm. Dream went rigid at first but then he melted into the gentle embrace. Running her fingers through the matted blonde hair Kristin smiled a little.

"Then how about I'll make it stop hurting?

#dream smp au #dreamwastaken #dream au #dream smp #sbi #ask #@mistythedritten

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againstacecilia · 1 year

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Hey everyone. Back to explain my hiatus again. I'll put it under the cut with a tw for pet loss.

Anyone who has a pet knows that you end up loving them more than it feels possible to love something. 13 years ago, my grandma's dog had a litter of puppies and we kept one for my sister and another one that just ended up bonding with our family and we couldn't let him go. In 2015, I took that little dude to college after I moved off campus and he's been with me and my husband ever since. His name is Sherman.

About 6 months ago, we had to take him to the emergency vet after he temporarily lost use of his back legs. He was diagnosed with something called intervertebral disc disease, fairly common in older dogs. We started him on a medication and a supplement and it worked really well for a while. Then, mid-January, he had his first seizure. It was horrible and fairly traumatic, but he was seizure-free for 2 months after and we hoped it was a one-off thing. Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago he had another one and then a third before we could get him into his vet. We've had him on anti-seizure medications since then. Earlier this year, he also started showing signs of canine cognitive dysfunction (or doggy dementia) and we started a new medication for that as well. We think the last two seizures pushed the doggy dementia further along than it was and, with the seizures under control, his mental struggles have increased exponentially. He's constantly pacing, whining, and barking, and showing a lot of other signs of just being confused and scared. The anti-seizure medication makes it even harder for him to use his back legs which means he's having problems accomplishing daily tasks. His dementia also culminates in something called sundowner syndrome, which means that his nights and days are getting a little flipped and he's constantly stressed and scared at night.

After an extensive talk with his vet, and a lot of tears and soul searching between my husband and me, we've set an appointment to help him over the rainbow bridge this coming Tuesday.

I'm not sure I've ever known grief this strong. For the last 8 years, he's been my constant companion. Without needing to be trained he also stepped into the role of my emotional support animal. Laying on my chest during panic attacks, waking me up out of nightmares, and being a soothing presence while I worked through whatever traumas I was ready to face, he also kept me company during the summers that my husband was across the country coaching at a summer camp in Maine. I keep trying to rationalize that there are still some bright spots and worrying that we're doing this too early. But I look into his eyes and there's none of the life there that you used to be. He's still existing, yes, he's still eating and drinking and every once in awhile will cuddle with me on the couch after work, but he isn't living. He can't go on walks anymore, we can't take him on trips to his favorite places or to see his favorite people because his body can't handle long stretches in the car.

I'm beyond heartbroken. I haven't known an adult life without this little guy and I'm terrified of the first day I get home from work and the house is silent. I'm dreading the moment he closes his eyes and I know they'll never open again. And I don't think, even in my most hormonal teenage years, that I've cried so much so many days in a row. I know we're doing the best for him. I know this is the biggest act of love we could provide for him and he deserves to not be scared or in pain anymore. I just wish we had a couple more years with him. Even just a couple more days of the happy pup that he used to be. But, young or old, I'll love him forever and I want to make sure that he doesn't suffer any longer than he already has.

I'll be back. I know I've been gone for so long at this point already but I will be back. If you have pets, please hug them so close for me. Please love them with everything you have because whether you have them for a year or 13 years, it's never enough. I'm so lucky to have had this perfect dog and to have been unconditionally loved by something- someone- so loving and pure. If you pray, or believe in some sort of vibes, please send them to me and to Sherman. Please wish him safe journeys over the rainbow bridge.

Love y'all. 💖

#ceci talks #tw pet loss

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watchinglikeafangirl · 1 year

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Young and free vs adult and life

The two pairings in Moonlight Chicken couldn't be more different and it's why especially Jim and Li Ming clash from time to time. But it's not just a young love vs a mature love, there are clear differences in character within the couples. They are so diverse and it hits close to home when we have an outgoing person paired up with someone more quiet.

Mature love

Jim and Wen are obviously the adults here and they both come from intense past relationships. They have felt deep feelings before, they know what love feels like and they are not each other's first love. These two characters carry a certain nostalgia since they have lived a life the other doesn't know about and in the way they tell each other stories, it seems like they wanna ask "why haven't I met you sooner". They could have easily been each other's first love but they aren't. Instead, they are marked by old mistakes and decisions, they are mature and a bit sadder than the young people that surround them. They know what suffocating situations feel like and don't want to repeat those and don't want the other to feel it again. This fear alone holds them back and it's what differs WinJim from HeartLiMing and it's why they didn't have their kiss yet. There are too many mental struggles to just go with the flow.

It often seems like Wen is there waiting for Jim but sometimes, he holds himself back as well since the whole Alan situation doesn't help him feel free from any past. He let go of Alan in a last act but still, there's so much that has been shared and even if he may be head over heels with Jim, he doesn't eagerly throw himself at him either. He holds back as well since love is thrilling and scary at this point.

Jim's backstory is just a pure tragedy and I am still shocked but we shouldn't forget it's not just him grieving, Wen grieves as well. Yes, Wen didn't lose someone physically but when a relationship is over, it's part of your past and memories and he was with Alan for five years, so of course, he's grieving that relationship. There are many what if's in death and break-ups. It's what makes WinJim adults.

We just see them deal with it in different ways. Wen thinks as much as Jim does but he refuses to lose his spark. He still loves life with all the problems that come with it while also hating what time did to him. Jim is just really struggling to keep his spark alive and at some point he killed it. He's miserable and copes with it in a different way while Wen shows him to have fun while life doesn't work out. It's two very different characters clashing and blooming. But still, they are not together yet because the past is still there and they may feel like they are betraying it once they move on.

Young love

HeartLiMing on the other hand are just two teenagers in love basically, though their situation is complicated as well. They have their differences but they both want to break free. They don't want to live the life their families assigned to them and try out other things they only get cold answers to. It's not that they are carefree because like Li Ming said, they are old enough to understand certain things and take responsibility. At some point, teenagers understand the world very much so, to a point you can't tell them what to do - they won't listen wholeheartedly.

Heart and Li Ming want to know the world - even if that world either means outside the house or a different continent. They share the excitement about first experiences and they are both rebellious. Li Ming doesn't want Jim to stop him, hates how his "poor life" should define what he is going to end up doing later on. Heart wants to live like any other kid - maybe with more protection but still - he wants to have the same opportunities given by his parents.

They are two very wild and young spirits and in the end they know everything and nothing. They still cry when they fought with someone. They are still enamored by starts. They still play with water.

And they're still different from each other because Heart is quiet until he finds someone who gets him. Li Ming is just bright colors and gets excited easily while Heart has to warm up first - though it doesn't take him that long. Heart holds back, not because of his parents, but because of his inability to hear the world. He is marked by life already whilst Li Ming isn't - or I should say he refuses to be. Heart accepts things while Li Ming doesn't and one is braver than the other but that's where they meet.

#moonlight chicken #thought about this a lot #wenjim #heartliming

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papirouge · 5 months

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Since you're talking about pedophilia can we talk about the use and sexualization of the word lolita? I hate that word SO much it's unreal but also why are there products and even brands named after that book? There's literally a clothing brand in my country geared towards tween and teen girls with that word in its name (and no, its not clothing from that japanese trend or inspired by it). Like that word literally means an attractive/seductive young girl, since in the book the pedophile protagonist nicknames his 12 year old stepdaughter that (her real name is Dolores I think), yet nobody gives a fuck. I'm starting to think radfems are right when they say people don't take pedophilia when it's against girls seriously, specially if they're tweens or older. Like somewhat recently a major's son was caught raping a 12 year old, and all his father had to say was a message to parents telling them to lock their daughters if they didnt want that happening to them :/

Also as a side note why does it seem so many radfems like lana del rey? Didnt she write songs romanticizing all of that lolita crap?? And people say "oh, but she did that when she was younger". Bro, she was literally 23, she should have known better. Perhaps i'm exaggerating but I've seen and heard so much shit in my life, I feel like little girls should be radfems n°1 priority... I know it's not all of them but still, I even saw one say lolita was one of her fav books, like it messes me up because I always found her so smart and well spoken (written?), and I don't give a fuck that that book doesn't condone pedophilia because it has done more damage than good to this world

Society will literally sexualize every single inches of female body and experience, anon 💀

Remember creeps installing snitch camera in women's restroom? ...yeah.

And radfem can be full of shit so you wouldn't think that much of them liking fucked_my_way up_to_the_top.mp3 Lana del Rey. Sip they're good take but don't forget that in the end of the day, most of them are mentally ill women with a bunch of Nigel in the closet, and coping with their not so glorious (pickme) past by harassing non rad women for not being feminist enough.

Your last sentence is so real : there's been plentiful of post explaining how lolita was critical of grooming but it shows how scrote culture can hijack and twist the message off an initially wholesome material.

And scote will ALWAYS accuse female victims before male abusers. Just today I was watching a video of a Christian channel featuring an abused women who was exploited in the porn industry, and guess what? There were so called Christians scrote downplaying her struggle and making snark comment abt her posing for nude videos... (I couldn't help but make a comment to call them out lmao - I'm the "yona" commenter lol)

youtube

#answered

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keyh0use · 6 months

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favourite barry headcanons?? like where’s his family from just like his life u know i have so many thoughts about this man

(as an afterthought, gonna preface this by saying everything is pre-Rafe, because I think their relationship would remedy a lot, especially in scenario 2)

I have two I sort of pinball between (one is waaaay happier lol) and I'm not sure which I prefer more so have both:

like a lot of the kids in the cut, Barry didn't have a great upbringing. His mother left and has never (to his knowledge) tried to reach out, leaving him to be raised by an abusive but usually absent father Barry left home earlier than the law would allow, crashed on friends couches or in storage facilities or really just anywhere he could sneak around without getting the cops called on him and dragged home. Of course his father never reported him missing, probably didn't notice. Barry spent his time by working odd jobs under the table, getting by easily in school despite rarely attending, searching for a safe place to hunker down for the night until he was old enough to enlist in the army. Those years were probably the least loneliest he'd ever had but also the saddest, watching all his buddies go home for the holidays while Barry had no one, no home, nothing waiting for him. But he did make some life-long friends who still keep in touch after he's left Barry used his savings to buy the cheapest property he could find in the OBX, which so happened to conveniently have the camper & trailer already there. of course that wasn't his plan, he wanted to build some little house eventually, just big enough but the trailer will do for now the former island dealer was relocating, an old high school friend of Barry's who offered to let him take over his clients while the man looked for a job Barry's good with his hands, so besides drug dealing he also does some freelance work, working on bikes and vehicles and building sheds and doing yard maintenance, just trying to get by and save what he can

If he doesn't stay busy the weight of being alone crushes him and he has to resort to drinking or snorting or smoking something to forget for a little while

Barry's dad still lives on the island in the same house, doing the same things. They pass eachother often and have sat a couple bar stools down from one another but they haven't talked since Barry ran away all those years ago, and either his father is still pissed or just doesn't remember he even has a son.

Barry is pretty convinced he'll die young, probably in conflict over drugs or money, he gets in enough fights to back up that theory

And he'll have nothing to show for it. No family portrait on the wall with the love of his life on his arm, no soft memories of vacations or holidays, no mark left on anyone. All he did was work and try to survive for a life he really wasn't happy living

He's insecure about his body, wearing clothes that are too big on him, torso scarred up from his father's mistreatment and the hard life that followed

He doesn't feel like he deserves good things because he has very little to give

Barry grew up in a very loving family, with doting parents who encouraged him to be strong-willed and kind to everybody, but not take any shit.

His mom taught him how to cook and bake, it was something they did together almost every night. She would let Barry pick something from their family recipe book, passed down through generations

Even though he was always ahead academically, Barry got in trouble at school all the time for starting fights (he was defending other kids who couldn't do it themselves)

He realised his family struggled a lot and not just in comparison to kooks, so he started mowing lawns and washing cars and chopping wood to scrounge up whatever he could go help

That mentality never left him and he was always working, usually more than one job and fixing up their modest house in his spare time

He wanted his parents to be proud of him (they would be no matter what), to do something with his life and he knew they wouldn't be able to afford college & fighting with the kooks for scholarships was out of the question, so he joined the army.

When life wasn't affordable in the Outer Banks Barry's parents moved, but when he thought of home all he could picture was the rundown bookstore on the corner by their old house and the beautiful beach covered in solo cups after a summer party, so when Barry left the army that's where he went

The trailer was listed for sale on the paper menu of a local diner, Barry's first stop once he made it down to the cut and was able to talk the owner down a little, using up almost all of his savings

The majority of Barry's family live south of the border and he hasn't been able to visit since he was really little. When he makes the drive to visit his parents, the three plan a trip they know they'll never be able to afford but it puts a smile on each of their faces

Barrys family sends him handmade gifts every year for every holiday; sweaters knitted and paintings from his little cousins and packages of spices

Everytime he's on a call it turns into a big thing, one minute he's trying to tell his auntie happy birthday and the next every cousin and family friend is fighting to be in frame, asking him about work and his house and when he's going to settle down and get married

Driving by his childhood home makes him unbelievably sad, wanting nothing more than to work his ass off until he can make an offer on it and fix it up

Barrys lucky to work at the garage where he's appreciated, lucky to have supportive parents and a big family to reach out to when he's lonely, and a small group of good friends

But he often feels lonely once he's home and struggles to figure out where his life is going

#barry obx #barry (obx)

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godsandtorrance · 1 year

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Loneliness

One of the main things in my life that I struggle with, and that I don't think gets talked about enough, is loneliness.

I'm at the ripe age of 23. I'm at the prime-time where friendships, particularly female friendships, should be the highlight of my life right now. I should be going out drinking (or a different meet-up activity, as I don't actually drink or like risking going out at night in this currant climate), sending memes and inside jokes to the group chat, checking in on a group of women my own age who do the same for me.

But I don't. I have a best friend, but due being busy and other life issues, we don't talk like we used to. Aside from her, there really is no other friend. My colleagues are all older than me, at a completely different life stage, and the only colleague my own age has her own friends who appear to not match my own lifestyle.

I used to have a friend group - five or so girls in my teen years who I went to school with. We would hang out all the time, message each other constantly - not necessarily relatable to adults but still a nice little social and fun group I could rely on.

Naturally, we grew apart as we got older. They changed and went out partying, while I, at the time, was isolated due to my mental health troubles, and I don't like alcohol (as established). Unfortunately, in hindsight I realised it wasn't really a good group of friends. I was very weird (annoyingly so, but I refuse to even entertain the thoughts of my irritating, not-self-aware younger self), and it was obvious, looking back, that they mostly tolerated me, and often left me out of things.

It was also, considering we were a group of hormonal teens, pretty toxic at times too, but I'm happy to say I, at least, have grown up a lot since then and can put that kind of behaviour behind me.

University was a struggle too. As a highly socially anxious young adult, following my stressful few years of intense mental health issues, I really found it difficult to open up to people. In lessons, I'd remain as quiet as possible; I didn't start conversations or join in; I tried a few societies but they just weren't the right fit for me - or maybe I didn't give them enough of a chance.

It took lockdown, a time for reflection for myself and my personal struggles, to see that I was lonely and I wasn't helping myself. I didn't try enough to join in and make the effort - and I couldn't expect other people to always do so first, especially if I gave off the blank-faced, unapproachable (but secretly fearful of looking stupid) vibe.

When I went to university again for my masters degree, I made far more of an effort - I chatted and instigated conversation, said yes to certain meet-ups and really pushed myself to being open and friendly. It didn't get too far, as many in the year-long course had their own friends, and I wasn't entirely perfect at being the right social person, but I knew I could do it. Practice, after all, makes perfect.

Now that I've started work, and I'm steadily trying to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life (more on that another time), I'm gradually trying to let myself be open to any opportunities, conversation, anything.

But it's hard. Seeing people on social media in their tight-knit groups makes me feel like I'm the problem. It feels like I'm the only person in the world incapable of - and undeserving - of friendships. As much as I know social media is a facade at times, there's no denying that there are truly beautiful friendships out there.

However, I use this as something to hold on to, and something to hope for. Knowing that great friendships exist is wonderful, and it's special to know that when the right time comes along, I will meet the right people I click with. I wouldn't want to force any kind of connection, as in my experience trying too hard doesn't work and it's just emotionally exhausting.

Without trying to sound ridiculously over-positive (I can't stand the high-key promotions of being 'happy happy happy!' that saturate social media, it's just not possible to be as joyful as a Cbeebies programme all the time), there is a blessing to having minimal friends. I get to work on the most important friendships I have - the one with myself.

Disgustingly saccharine, I know, but I've spent the past few years working on my mental health issues and actually working through CBT, getting two degrees and simply enjoying the small things. I love being creative, I adore films, I'm a huge reader. The introvert in me gets to enjoy the comfort of staying in and working on my private hobbies.

Of course I want to branch out still - there's such a thing as getting too comfortable in solitude, especially as someone who clearly still misses frequent socialising - but in the meantime I can focus on myself and the activities that bring me joy.

Early twenties are complicated, and I'm still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do. I don't see myself sticking to this job forever, or putting down roots in my home for too long, so I need this quiet time to work it out, find the right career for me and just let things progress naturally.

It's time I start being kinder to myself, and I'm not going to get that self-respect, self-esteem or self-love from other people. Tying my worth into other people - whether they're in my life as my friends or not - only ends badly, as I've learnt before.

Loneliness doesn't mean failure, or that I suck as a person, or that this is going to be my future. It just means my life is a little bit more quiet right now, and I have all this time to look after myself.

If you're like me, feeling completely isolated in your loneliness like you're the only young adult struggling, you're definitely not alone. It's rarely talked about, but that doesn't mean other lacking-in-friends people aren't out there. We're just don't shout about it, and we're probably socially awkward introverts too.

#Loneliness #Blog #Writing blog #Early twenties #Alone #No friends #Thoughts #Musings #My picture #Godsandtorrance #British #Uk #Friendship #Female friendships

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neurosky · 2 years

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Invisible Disabilities Week October 16-22

so! i'm a little late on this, because i didn't know it was invisible disabilities week until today. i wanted to share some of my experiences living with multiple invisible disabilities in honor of this week.

(long post, but important)

to start off, i want to make it clear that invisible disabilities can be physical conditions as well as mental health conditions. a lot of people don't see mental illnesses as disabilities, but they are!

before i tell you my story, i want to ask everyone who doesn't know my blog already to picture me. i have dyed purple, curly hair. i'm fairly short, pale, and i wear a lot of hoodies. i like swimming, writing, and playing guitar. i look like a normal highschooler.

if i stood in front of a group of people i had never met before and told them i was disabled, how many of them do you think would believe me? unfortunately, not a lot.

now, here's my story.

the conditions that disable me are tourette's syndrome, functional neurological disorder, and mental illnesses that are currently undiagnosed (we've been trying to figure out what it is for over a year now - no answers yet).

i hear ableist comments a lot, things like, "you can't have that many conditions at once," "you're too young to be disabled," and the one that's most relevant to this topic, "you don't look disabled." these comments are extremely insensitive and downright ableist.

i may not "look disabled" from the outside, but there are so many things that most people can't see unless they're close to me or are me. i struggle with school, jobs, and a lot of smaller things on a daily basis.

i've struggled with school since elementary, but it only became a huge issue in 9th grade. i started off 9th grade in a mainstream public highschool, but i had to change to an alternative school halfway through the year. being in a mainstream school was so stressful and overwhelming to me at the time that i ended up being hospitalized due to my mental illnesses. my tourette's had also really kicked up in late 8th grade, and i was struggling to keep up with the amount of schoolwork i was assigned in my original highschool because of it.

i stayed in that alternative school for the rest of 9th grade, but i still struggled massively. my mom had to sit in class with me because my anxiety was so high that i couldn't focus on anything, and i was still missing assignments because of it. she would also have to type for me at times, because my tics would keep me from typing normally.

the summer after 9th grade, i ended up needing a wheelchair due to leg weakness from fnd and tics that made me stumble or fall over. this proved to be an issue in 10th grade, as i started going to a new school that wasn't very accessible. at this point, i was in a partial hospitalization program for my mental health, and i didn't have time to go to school full time. i couldn't go to the alternative school anymore because of health risk reasons (the school's fault this time, actually), so i ended up going to another alternative school. this school was closer to a mainstream-type school, but the way they did things was just a bit different. i only had half days there because of the program i was in, and i missed a lot of class due to health issues. i still struggled to keep up with everyone else.

somewhere between the beginning and middle of the year, i changed schools again, going back to the mainstream highschool this time. my schedule had finally opened up enough to go to school full time. unfortunately, my mental and physical disabilities made it extremely hard to keep up and go to school every day. for a while, i was leaving in the middle of school every day. this is when i finally got my 504 accommodations. i ended up having half days again.

now, i'm still in that mainstream highschool, but i have a full schedule. i still have my 504 accommodations. i've had multiple people tell me i don't really need my accommodations. from the outside, i guess it kinda does look like i don't need them. but from the inside, from the perspective of my close friends and family, from my perspective, it is very obvious that i do need them. i simply can't function in school without them.

the reason i struggle with jobs doesn't have as much of a story behind it. i simply can't commit to going into work when i need to. i don't know when i'm going to be in the hospital or have really bad health days. i have appointments at least twice a week. i barely have any money, but i don't have any official way to make any. if i tried to get a job, i would be fired within a month.

i also struggle with simple daily tasks. showering, brushing my teeth, cleaning my room, etc. i rarely have enough motivation and energy to do those things. i'm on a swim team, but i struggle to make it to practice a lot of the time.

now, i go back to the beginning of this post. if i told all of this to that same group of strangers, how many of them do you think would believe i was disabled? most of them, probably.

a lot of people have this idea in their heads that people have to be in a wheelchair to be disabled, have to be paralyzed, or missing a limb. some people have that idea so deeply engrained in them to the point where they wouldn't believe that someone was disabled, simply because they're not in a wheelchair, or missing a limb.

they don't see the struggle that goes on internally. they don't realize that people can struggle in different ways. they don't see how much people with invisible disabilities are neglected and ignored.

this needs to change. just because someone isn't in a wheelchair, or paralyzed, or missing a limb, doesn't mean they aren't disabled.

we exist. we aren't lying. we aren't being dramatic. we aren't lazy. we have an invisible disability.

#invisible disability #actually disabled #awareness #disability awareness #disability #hidden disability #tourette syndrome #tourettes #tic disorder #tics #actually neurodivergent #fnd #functional neurological disorder #mental illness #actually mentally ill #chronically ill #chronic illness #disabled

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holyhikari · 5 months

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some personal reflection on my late diagnosis and a few other stuff that might interest somebody or not.

I don't have ADHD, at least not "formally." I'm usually fine with not having qualified for an official ADHD diagnosis during my evaluation (even though a few professionals have argued that I should have had + my medication is ADHD-focused and it works) because I usually just need sensory/social accommodations and ASD covers that.

But it's absurd HOW LONG it took for me and the people around me to notice and accept how mentally hyperactive I am, because it carried me through my early academic life. So I was just "a very bright kid", not a single adult could tell (or, at least, no one thought of it as an issue) I was hyperfocused on and a bit obsessive about school because most subjects interested me, I couldn't control that drive nor my perfectionism and the good grades/the praise for them made me feel better about not understanding how to socialize with most other kids because they acted in ways that didn't make any sense and I was adamant that all of my actions could be reasonably explained to others since I was like five years old. So, yeah, we couldn't relate. I got along well with the weirdos though.

It's funny in a tragic way that sometimes adults can't tell you have socialization problems because you're well-spoken and mimic their communication patterns and don't have trouble following their instructions, but I assure you that the other kids CAN very much tell that you're not like them. (Fun fact: my mom DID notice that most other kids confused me and she was aware of/tried to help me through the bullying I suffered, but whenever I asked her opinion on the matter she just went "oh sweetie that's because you're around adults often and in this household we're all like this :D so it's only expected". LOL)

And since I couldn't have known that often overthinking to the point of tears AS A PRE-SCHOOLER (yes, I have memories of that) wasn't normal and assumed that everyone else had that many thoughts per second... well. That mental hyperactivity paired with the skills related to my special interest (linguistics) served me well until I crashed and suddenly had to navigate the world without the "high results" it allowed me to achieve as a kid.

And now I'm an adult who struggles with basic tasks like a toddler because I can't prioritize anything correctly unless I'm at gunpoint. And I'm perpetually underestimating my struggles, I try to convince myself on a daily basis that I'm just a regular 20-something mess in this world and that every young adult is like this simply because growing up is hard, so I must be trying to find excuses to be "lazy".

At least I know this experience isn't uncommon at all with late-diagnosed neurodivergent people.

I think I want to write more about my experiences. I might keep those reflections here since I (FINALLY) ditched T*itter and I don't want to do it anywhere with my IRL name. I feel even safer/detached here, typing in English instead of my first language has that effect xD

#bea with the tea #actually autistic #now back to fandom posting hopefully

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500daysofflowersandpain · 7 months

Text

12pm

Here's your birthday gift,

I'll say you gave me alot to think about it.

I was going to link you some helpful information towards, your what I thought was cyber certs.

But I guess you can struggle through that, I know your smart. Hopefully you're learning the wall and the blockade.

But I'll still say happy birthday, I can be an asshole apprnelty you say,

And now I'll go back to using a journal that, I reread because my hand writing is terrible but little would you care to see it.

The amount of lies. You said in that video.

I have a feeling, with everybad news you wanted to teach me the sliverline.

Such as you said me back in your town would make you happy, I'll have to check the online records to confirm that there isn't a warrant but if there is I think that will hurt more then anything else you have done, I think I saw the order didn't go anywhere...

I don't know you, like this.

I remember the old you.

I know people change but shit, you really know how to make someone wish he never had mental health problems, like I wish I was stronger.

I had tears of life, of ptsd and maybe parts of corbidites of sckits.

At least you seemed happy, I said that's all I've ever wanted for you...

There's many things I'd want to say, there's few words I can use.

I hold on to hope, you are just as crazy as me.

You asked for space, next you'll return and I won't be able to communicate back to you, and then you get angry at me for probably being massocist, where if you sent me hello I would probably reply and then you'll get angry because I didn't do what you asked.

I'll do what you ask,

You did for me, but you shouldn't of.

You said you saw pain in my eyes, you had to know it was bad, but I tried to hold my feelings.

I put your side insta on close freinds,

My doors always open,

Even if you slam yours in my face, there's things I'd never say. Or do.

But I guess there's somethings I did, and I'm not proud of them.

I'll live every day as my last, and maybe I'll pull through my current battles, maybe your come when my hair is long and thick and you see the smile has returned,

I'm afraid I'll never be happy again, but at least when I look at you I can find there's hope for me, for all the bad things that had happened to you.

Do you remember when you said you needed me, I was there.

I remember when I needed you, and you were there too even if you couldn't talk to me.

I remember the love we once had as 'freinds' because you said we never dated, and that hurt more then anything else you could of said.

You could even said I don't know you, and I think it would of hurt less to know how much I've changed, Id tell you I wake up and don't like the mirror, but you know exactly that feeling.

You said I give you axenity, while you give me hope.

I have a presentation in under an hour, I'll say I didn't take my sleep pills last night because I wanted to feel this feeling, and had a pretty shit sleep.

Your probably wondering why I ain't calling like I said I would today, I can't since your newest messages.

Enjoy your birthday maybe you'll do what I said if you got the day off,

But let's say I didn't do my usual, because that's how you want it, even if you can't see I am looking.

If you come back to my blogs maybe you'll see in all my words, they all about you.

Today I'm not wearing the necklace because my chest hurts, I looked up the issue I'm having and some of the surgerys are scary, especially being this many years young.

I'll post it on insta, maybe you'll be like things are bad for him, and he needed me.

Or I'll get that tattoo I've been wanting, so at least I can have my sunflower with me, even if I can't have you on my left.

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