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total-drama-brainrot · 1 month

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TD World Tour AU, where Noah doesn't tell Owen that Alejandro is an eel in London... In Area 51, Noah is accidentally splashed with an alien truth potion (which wears off after a few days) and he talks to Owen... Owen asks Noah what he truly thinks about Alejandro, and Truth-Potion Affected Noah says this: "I have mixed feelings for Alejandro. He's a brilliant, interesting guy and I like him, but I don't trust him. He's like a slippery eel dipped in grease, swimming in motor oil. Basically, Heather with social skills. Wait a minute, why am I telling you this?!"... What if Alejandro secretly heard Noah call him all those conflicting things + Alejandro also learns that Noah is affected with an alien truth potion? 👽

Alright, you got me. I'm an absolute sucker for truth potion plots, especially when the character(s) effected by them are usually either pathological liars or incredibly secretive- of which Noah absolutely falls into the second category, given he shares so little personal information.

I'll gloss over why Noah declined to shit-talk Alejandro in London (though there's so many ways this change in behaviour could be justified) since the focal point of this hypothetical centred around their time in Nevada, so let's start from the beginning of the Area 51 challenge.

Area 51:

Before we start, it'll have to be established that no one was eliminated in London. Let's say that the majority vote went towards Duncan (team CIRRRRH voted him out immediately because they found his re-admission to the competition unfair, I guess. I imagine he'd also vote himself, if not as a plan to escape the competition he'd been actively skiving from, then just as an act of spite) but Chris instead claimed it was a rewards challenge- much like he does in Greece- because he doesn't want to let Duncan slip away again so soon.

I see no reason to alter the first part of the challenge- the sneaking into Area 51 portion- since team CIRRRRH's course of entry is fairly straightforward. Noah's presence doesn't make much of a difference to how it would play out; the majority of them throw their rocks and run, Owen gets lasered over the fence and Owen-napped, ect ect.

When both teams have managed to make their way into the Black Box Warehouse, Noah immediately suggests they should prioritise rescuing Owen. Tyler's quick to agree, since he's a firm believer in the "no man left behind" mentality (and he probably makes a not-so-subtle jab towards Noah for his chance of tune compared to London, where both he and Owen did leave Tyler behind) leaving Duncan and Alejandro to split from the group- Duncan in search of Gwen, and Alejandro just takes the opportunity to finally be free from his 'incompetent teammates' and prioritises finding an artifact.

Noah and Tyler come across the contraption Owen's trapped in, Tyler punches it in a futile effort to break it open, and the face hugger cube drops into Noah's hands. This is where the point of divergence comes into play; Tyler has his E.T. moment with one of the face huggers, but Noah- who's a tad bit more observant than Alejandro, and used to dodging surprise attacks from his various older siblings (and Izzy)- anticipates his own face hugger attack and promptly starts a game of cat-and-mouse with a taser alien hot on his heels.

The commotion of which attracts the rest of his team. Alejandro and Duncan arrive on the scene to see Tyler being electrocuted by an alien and Noah running in circles evading another.

Duncan attempts to rip the face hugger from Tyler's face, finding success at the cost of sending Tyler trampling into Owen's captive contraption (essentially taking Alejandro's canonical place in this scene) and inadvertently freeing Owen.

Meanwhile, Alejandro swipes up the nearest box he can find and snags the alien chasing Noah, who's still very loudly panicking as he flees, and succeeds! The alien is swiftly captured into the box, netting team CIRRRRH their artifact, and Noah promptly goes careening into the nearest tower of junk in his face hugger-fuelled hysteria. This causes another box to topple from the peak of the tower, landing directly on Noah's head and spilling its contents onto the bookworm- glass vials filled with a mysterious, luminescent cobalt blue liquid shatter into pieces drenching Noah in whatever they contained. (i.e. truth potion.)

Owen has his false-amnesia moment, characterised by his Joker makeover, and Alejandro enacts his revenge post-hypnotic suggestion after being addressed as "Al" one too many times.

Noah, understandably, swiftly objects to Owen's treatment and demands that Alejandro snap him out of it. Alejandro concedes, and Owen's brought back to himself. At least, for a moment, before the fatigue of having his mind messed with sends Owen into near-catatonia (the same as canon), meaning he has to be ferried through the Warehouse and back to the Jet by Alejandro and Duncan.

Things carry on canonically from there; Noah's just sort of there for the most part, though there'd be a minor hint to his newfound proclivity for honesty. Something along the lines of him giving an uncharacteristically honest answer to Owen as to who he's voting- Tyler, of course, since he was the one who ultimately threw the challenge for them... and also because Tyler still holds some resentment towards Noah for what happened in London, and Noah feels guilty about it every time he looks at the jock. Wait, why did he say that?

Sometime between this and the elimination scene, Noah wipes the truth-goop off of himself, but not before the effects have already started.

Tyler's voted out, yada yada yada.

The Jet:

Thus begins the start of "Picnic at Hanging Dork". Team CIRRRRH, consisting of just Alejandro, Duncan, Owen and Noah, are slumming it up in the Economy Cabin. Alejandro tries to rally his team by asking how to break apart Courtney and Heather's tentative co-operation. Owen suggests having Alejandro seduce Heather, since it worked for both Bridgette and Leshawna. Duncan makes his "Babe Olympics" comment. Noah pipes up that playing with someone's feelings is pretty scummy, even for someone competing for a million dollars.

Alejandro takes Noah's reluctance towards his methodology poorly; he hadn't spoken up before, when Alejandro had utilized the same strategy against other girls- and even Owen noticed that, so surely Noah did too- so why was he to outwardly against him using the same tricks? Duncan agrees, and offers ''his'' idea of having Alejandro flirt with Courtney to throw both her and Heather off their games (since Heather has an obvious crush on Alejandro), and things follow canon.

Then, the scene between Alejandro and Courtney happens. Noah scoffs at the display from the side lines, prompting Owen to ask him why he's so against Alejandro's plan.

"I mean, you never said anything before, when he flirted with Bridgette and Leshawna." Owen comments, light-hearted in nature but with an underlying questioning tone.

Noah's eyes flicker with a cobalt glow, easily mistaken for a trick of the light, and he speaks without even thinking.

"Yeah, because I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Bridgette was happenstance, and Leshawna's whole deal could've been a coincidence, or some massive misunderstanding. But this?" Noah extends an accusing hand out towards a smug looking Alejandro, then pans it over to a flattered Courtney, "He's outright toying with Courtney's feelings after she was cheated on in front of an international audience. It's scummy."

Owen nods in understanding, momentary contemplation evident in the pouted curve of his lips, and he chimes in.

"Does that mean you don't like Al?"

"I never said that."

"Well, how do you feel about him, then?"

Again, a flash of blue light against the hickory backdrop of Noah's eyes, and he responds thoughtlessly.

"I guess I have mixed feelings about him. On the one hand, he's slippery, like an eel dipped in grease, swimming in motor oil. He's like if you took all of the worst aspects of Heather, wrapped them up in a pretty package, and gave them social skills..." He holds his hands out before him in a scale-like manner, with the left tipped downwards and tie right raised by his chin. Then, the two hands swap positions.

"And on the other hand, he's brilliant. I've never met anyone as talented as Alejandro; he's smart, he's athletic, he's funny. It's almost unfair just how perfect everything about him is- even his face is perfect. It's ridiculous! Infuriating, even. It's so hard to dislike him, even when I know he's bad news, but that doesn't mean I trust him."

Owen stands slack jawed beside his best friend, both impressed and stunned at the raw honesty of Noah's tirade. Noah, now a little more aware of himself, realises that he's said more than he intended to- more than he thinks he's ever spoken in one go throughout the entirety of Total Drama. He's not usually one for speeches, after all, let alone honest ones.

He's always been the type to play his cards close to his chest, so why...?

"I, uh, didn't mean to go off like that."

And he also didn't mean to admit it, either. What was going on?

The look Owen gives him is, in a word, vivid. The blonde has a shit-eating grin stretching across his face, a sort of elated smugness practically glowing from his features.

"Sounds like someone has a cruuuush!~"

What? No? No! Not at all, where would Owen even get that idea?!

Noah splutters to correct Owen's assumption (to disastrous results, because he does sort-of has a crush on Alejandro, so the truth potion doesn't allow him to outright deny it), and in his preoccupied state he misses how a calculating pair of sage green eyes never seems to stray from him.

Alejandro has a lot to think about in regards to a certain cynic, it seems.

#I'd like to apologise for taking this idea and running with it.#Cutting myself off here before I breach 2k+ words or else I'll be here all day.#Sort of entered actual Writing Mode at the end there instead of Outline Mode but this idea is. So Full Of Potential I couldn't help myself.#But from here it'd basically be Alejandro using his newfound knowledge of Noah's crush on him to his advantage.#Whilst Noah's doing his best (and failing) to deny that he has any feelings for Alejandro.#Eventually leading to the two of them having a Bonding Moment where Alejandro gets Noah to divulge some personal information.#And in turn- or an effort to garner some trust (to be abused later)- Alejandro also lets himself be vulnerable towards Noah.#Something something Alejandro tries to use Noah as a pawn but ends up catching feelings of his own.#Then of course the potion wears off and Noah goes back to being just as prickly and standoffish as he was before.#A point of conflict maybe? Imagine bearing your soul out to someone only for them to close themself off to you not even days afterwards.#...Also imagine being practically forced to divulge information about yourself to someone you don't trust because of a truth potion.#Oh yeah. That's some good angst material right there.#Especially is you have Alejandro be- if not fully aware- than at least suspect that Noah's not being agreeable on his own terms.#Anon why have you given me The Thoughts?? I can't keep brainstorming AUs when I already have fics to work on!!#ophe's ranting in the tags again #total drama #td noah #td alejandro #team chris is really really really really hot #alenoah #-ish #silly ideas #other's ideas #long post #replies #kinda drafty in here (posts from the drafts)

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a-s-levynn · 8 months

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#sleep token #here is a thing #there are certain moments when Vessel looks.. no he rather feels.. small #i mean his.. aura? presence? but not in the non-captivating way but as in an emotionally vulnerable way #i don't really have the words to describe this but just like on this picture #bear with me for a minute because this is either gonna sound completely unhinged or make some sort of sense #it's probably just me having a little more time on my hand than i should and just want to see things but..#sometimes he feels so present in a here-i-am as-i-am take-me-as-you-will this-is-all-i-am i-can't-give-more-nor-less it's-just-me sorta way #he feels so human in the rawest sense possible and yet so deep in character maybe even more so than when he creatures or teefs and all #like.. he is just vessel in it's simplicity and without the 'divine' if you will.. simply just vessel #in his barest of existance #a shadow of someone who used to be but not quite anymore #he is in pieces and it is willingly laid bare under the mask and all that bodypaint oh so clear to see for anyone #and that is not the outstreched hand of you-are-not-alone but the outstreched soul that cries you-can-find-yourself-in-me #and that is what i find so heartbreaking about him #this kind if raw openness because the lore says vessel is a conduit for sleep #for us vessel (and the the others) is the conduit of our emotions #and he is there somewhere inbetween the truths #just him a simple human being who sometimes seems to wish not to be human which makes him more human than anything #and that is what i can't describe better than 'sometimes he feels small' and at time even maybe makes me cry a little

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whatkindofnameisella · 2 months

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me when i promised myself i would be a normal person today but i think about "because fitz is dead, and she's all i have left of him or his father" and "i let them have him, and they used him" and "very softly he began singing to her. i tried to make out the words, but his voice was too deep. nor did i know the language." and "nik agreed with burrich's idea of when mornings began" and "if chade chose burrich, it is because he thinks him the equal of a hundred guards"

#AND ALSO KETTRICKEN BEARING A STILLBORN BABY ALONE AND GRIEVING. AND FITZ BEGGING HIS DAUGHTER NOT TO BE USED AS HE HAS BEEN USED. AND AND A #ND. I LITERALLY CAN'T WITH THIS BOOK IT'S DRIVING ME INSANEEEEEEEEE.#WHEN PATIENCE WALKS IN ITS OVER FOR ALL OF YOU IM NEVER GOING TO BE NORMAL EVER AGAIN.#rote #assassin's apprentice #robin hobb #books #everyone shut up everyone shut up right now. i literally cant take it oh my god

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wantonlywindswept · 9 months

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me: hmm who to romance who to romance

me: gets to the party scene

me: wait why is everyone all ready for sex now I BARELY KNOW YOU

#bg3 #ace problems #i know bg3 is all about catering to the people #infamous bear scene made that obvs #but like #i need a romance first! backstory! history!#it should take more work than this to enter a relationship with companions!#why yes i did romance fenris in da2 why do you ask #also kaidan in mass effect including no romance in me2 #look i'm too ace for this shit #anyway can't get over gale talking about his ex all the time #(tho he did compare me to his cat so point in his favor)#so i'm def gonna go karlach and maybe?? halsin?#cos apparently there's poly #larian how am i supposed to decide if i wanna sleep with halsin when i've said .5 words to the man #honestly #maybe i've missed out on a bunch of companion interactions??#idk man #EDIT TAGS: OH APPARENTLY YOU CAN'T SLEEP WITH HALSIN YET #okay that makes more sense now #edit again: ALSO WHY IS 'SHARING SOME WINE' AN INVITATION TO SEX #LARIAN PLEASE I'M WAY TOO ACE FOR THIS #this party is a minefield #EDIT 3 THERE IS NOT NECESSARILY SEX AT THIS POINT IN TIME

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quadrantadvisor · 19 days

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I started shipping Dick Grayson and Percy Jackson as a joke and then got accidentally invested. Help.

The thing about them is that I think they would Know. They would each know that the other had been though more than any one person could be expected to bear. They would feel secrets like a weight between them. And they would just. Not ask. They would decide to be eachother's simple thing. A bright spot of good in a world that's too hard.

Dick comes across as a ray of sunshine but he keeps up with Percy's snark. Percy's bleeding heart for the downtrodden and disdain for any authority endears him to Dick. They just have complimentary energies.

What makes this funny is how everyone else reacts to them.

Dick's family is panicking, since Percy is The Most Suspicious Man on the Planet. He works six months out of the year at summer camps that don't exist. He was accused of terrorism as a twelve year old. They keep trying to bring this up with Dick, who is exaggerating oblivoiusness. "What, Percy, suspicious? Never. He's great with kids, I'm sure the campers love him, isn't that sweet?" Tim is pulling out his hair.

Meanwhile, Percy's telling Annabeth (who he is still dating, polyamory ftw) all about his new guy, and Annabeth is like, "Let me get this staight. You're dating a rich trust fund kid, who's also a police officer, named Dick? That's not a real guy. That's a parody of a person. Who are you and since when do you tolerate cops."

#Percy trying desperately to defend himself: Ex-cop! He teaches gymnastics now #Annabeth: Better if still slightly ridiculous #percy introduces them to eachother and Annabeth is so prepared to grin and bear it when she can't stand this guy #and then she actually meets him and gets exposed to the dick grayson charm and she's like '#'no i get it now'#percy: 👀 oh yeah really? interesting #he keeps inviting them to things together to see if he can set them up #the bat family is not so easily swayed #of course they LIKE percy like he fits in perfectly #that doesnt make him any less likely to try to murder dick in his sleep or something #they have no idea honestly #they just dont know what he's up to and there's so many holes in his life story #and bats hate not knowing #honeslty finding out that there's a whole world of mythology that they can't see wouldnt be any better for them #'so the Greek gods are real? and greek creation myths and cosmological explanations and the implications thereof? that's all REAL?'#percy: 'yes but every other explanation is also real at the same time so honestly it shouldn't affect you much so dont worry about it 😊'#this raises more questions than it answers #percy jackson #dc #batfam #my rambles #yes i am crossover posting out here sorry for getting silly with it

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dnangelic · 12 days

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the hollow nonviolence but nevertheless heavily palpable longing and empty vastness of daisuke's heart. post

#*･ﾟ⊰ 𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒. ⊱ ✦ › OUT.#full sincerity i do not mean this in an edgy oooh my cute moeblob's darkness(tm) his hidden evil side way #because this is dark's loneliness too. this is dark's wanting TOO #but dark's is daisuke's is dark's is daisuke's and they're both #the epitome of leroux's erik's description + christine's waved away loneliness too #a heart that could hold the entire empire of the world but has to content itself with a cellar #a child who's never taken seriously or properly respected despite his stubborn independent streak #or even the canon quote itself- it's enormous but empty. completely vacant. dark. there's nothing but a black pillar (themselves)#and 'nothing to satisfy someone-' i knoooow dai looks the way he does but oh my gooooodh -drags my hands down my face-#he's restless he's restless it's not blood guts violence edgy that his emptiness brings him #it's the heart of a thief someone who STEALS which is also why i abstain from too much hunger metaphor #because they DON'T want to devour they don't want to chew and swallow they want to KEEP!!!#they want to shelter and house and have something anything someone anyone they want to take care of it #BUT THE CURSE!!!!#what they do eat of is their own sin and fall; the apple. the fairy tale candy. the fairy table feast. the pomegranate #and once daisuke starts there's NOTHING left for him except to become the devil even if he's the innocent cherub!!#HE CAN'T RESIST THOSE TEMPTATIONS he can't resist the demands of his desires compassionate or not!!!#anyways i got sidetracked but i just think muses who ever see daisuke's heart #is it gentle? yes. is it warm? no. but it's a chill that makes a shared fireplace or someone's touch and blood warmer #it's lonely it's heavy it's grandiose and noble there are rooms waiting for you to walk in and spread light #candlelight starlight azumano's mock-gaslit lanterns!!!#everybody looks up 2 a rebel but nobody knows how isolating it is not just for dark as sb who decided to betray #and was therefore cast out alone left to bear enormous immense burdens all by himself ostracized and wounded #but for daisuke too caught in the shadow of dark's wings #u kno? ok. thats all

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keeps-ache · 6 months

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!! Freak Shock !!

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #oc #bottled wishes #look at my dog-cat (rat ??) thing !! :D #it's an allegory for being trans lol #i had trans people explained to me as dogs that wanted to be cats #which that really didn't make any sense to my brain. i was thinking 'so what? also those are two different species altogether ??'#//i'm on some sort of animal kick so i'm drawing a bear-seagull loll #not as cursed as it sounds but i am so scared of starting on the colours Hbfvhsf #cuz i spent. so long. so so long. trying to figure out this palette kfsp #//'i can't draw animals' what is this !!#'my visual library expanded' ah okay that's fair actually lmao #//i started this almost immediately after finishing that living room scene Kfhab #Where was this like two weeks ago!! oh wells. back into the abyss i go :>#//edit: this thang uses all pronouns btw :3

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pickletrip · 5 months

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Yes, I'm watching SCOY because I cannot get enough of Billy. I thought I'd never be able to watch this show after the first 2 episodes, but oh man, it gets better and so much more beautiful. And then there's Billy. What more do I need?

This lighting is driving me crazy.

#scoy #scoy the series #billy patchanon #toh x nuea #oh this boy is driving me insane by just looking at me #I'm so sorry to everyone who has to bear with my Billy insanity #but I can't over how beautiful and perfect he is #the red and blue and pink all merging and producing this sexy effect on Billy

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ihatebnha · 2 years

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Hum idk if I remember everything I wrote let's see: barbarian Bakugou from the fantasy Opening probably brings you dead animals/trophies like a random stray or pet hunter animal who is showing affection/trying to show off/worried you need help getting food

Thank u sooo much for sending this again (I'm just a big boo boo about pets dying, literally makes me SO upset , seems like u got everything included so hopefully i was able to capture the initial vision right, too <333

(warning: slight dubcon but it's mostly just confusion, some eating stuff + i take a lot of liberties here)

LMFAO YES THOUGH, barbarian!Bakugo acting so much like a feral (momma) cat trying to live in your house. Bringing you combinations of dead animals and foraged goodies, even if the animals are like... concerningly weird and strange (sometimes deer, rabbits, and birds... but also foxes, wild pigs... skunk).

And what's funny is you try to get him to stop and explain that you're fine and you don't need his shit, but... he just DOESN'T believe you and continues bringing you stuff. No matter what.

Maybe cuz he's the village's best hunter but like... seeing that your cottage (?) isn't decorated in pelts and branches of herbs and drying meats 24/7 makes him soooo concerned. The first time he manages to bully his way through your door, he's sitting at your humble little eating table and just looking around... terribly grumpy while he unloads his pack.

(He's thinking about the fact that his future bride is probably starving, you're thinking that he's WEIRD).

And he can totally speak but... in my head I always imagine barbarian!Bakugo as super quiet, so it's not like he ever explains any of this to you, either. Just sort of... wedges his way into your life via brute force.

You see him at the market, haggling with the meat stall about how much he should be paid for his most recent hunt.. and the second he notices you without a fur pelt on, just like... rushes over to throw his own over your head. You try to stop him and shove his arms off of and he's just blocking your way until you keep it on.

And he's always like... coming over and skinning animals right there in your yard, salting them and everything and leaving them out to dry as though you don't have your own curing processes going on. Probably even takes off his furs and just does it in his loincloth, too. You can't even ask him what's going on without having to bear witness to all... that. All the girls who live next to you flock to your fence to watch except he just keeps glancing at you to see if you’re looking.

(It's also funny cuz after, he always waits for you to eat, too. Won't leave until he sees at least something go into your mouth... and when he does, sits there until you to tell him the cut of it was good, or the seasonings were right. Literally with his ears perked up and eyes all wide.)

It's probably not until the your country's yearly courting festival that you realize his goal. It's kind of a big deal for your village mostly cuz everyone is expecting Bakugo to like... compete for another nation's princess... but nah. The second all the eligible men are allowed to ask for someone's hand in marriage, he's running right for you.

(And the same stuff still happens, skunks and all, just... now you're officially engaged LMFAOOOO.)

#bakugo #ugh sorry i can't handle [redacted] death at all i just... didnt wanna leave ur GREAT idea hanging #apologies for my lack of ... ye olde language #and hopefully this is an okay response!!! i included the original vibes that u were going for #and**#i really had fun with it #esp the bakugo chopping up meat in ur backyard mostly n*ked #SOOOOOOO FUNNY #he would #i feel like this anyway but barbarian!bakugo is def n*ked like... a lot of the time #doesn't give a single eff #the second youre married he'll walk around your little cottage w/ his whole d*ck out #its kinda funny how humble he is like #everyone is like OH HO HO OUT VILLAGES MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR and he just wants to take care of u #share bear pelt in front of fire... feed each other.... be n*ked #thats his dream life right there #lmaodshfjadjfjl #ask #anon #caitie things #fave

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helianskies · 2 days

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ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

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