#PHENOMENAL writing you will not regret reading I can assure you!!!

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: February

ahoy, gamers! after an uneven start to my reading year in January (high highs, low lows) I've had a pretty consistently excellent February! yes, I'm including Red, White & Royal Blue. it may not have been good, but it was definitely fun. more on that in a minute, but I cannot recommend enough if you, like me, are a rancid hater.

what have I been reading?

Sharks in the Time of Saviors (Kawai Strong Washburn, 2020) - @dykerory came upon this book in a pretty fruitless search for good adult novels that prominently feature sharks, a weird gap in the market that seems to ignore that SOME OF US don't ever stop thinking sharks are fucking sick. (don't talk to me about Jaws. even Peter Benchley regrets Jaws.) while Sharks in the Time of Saviors actually has much less shark action happening than one might hope based on the title, it's very much a case of "came for the shark on the cover, stayed for the phenomenal writing." the novel follows the lives of the three Flores siblings: athletic oldest son Dean, academic little sister Kaui, and middle child Noa, who possesses odd abilities that seem to be a gift straight from Hawaiian gods and just might be the savior his impoverished family needs. spoiler alert: growing up as a demigod in the 21st century is hard, and success is hardly guaranteed. Washburn writes beautifully about the the suffocating realities of struggling to survive poverty, and the ways it can both tie families together and creature fractures that are difficult to heal. apparently this was Barack Obama's top novel of 2020 and I am forced once again to acknowledge that the war criminal has taste.

Blue-Skinned Gods (SJ Sindu, 2021) - okay so this is ALSO a book about a boy being raised to believe he's channeling the divine; I accidentally struck a bit of a two-book theme. Blue-Skinned Gods follows the early life of Kalki, a boy born with blue skin and raised in a isolated Indian ashram by parents who assure him (and their many paying devotees) that he's the final incarnation of Vishnu. from a very young age Kalki is placed on a pedestal and expected to behave as a perfect spiritual leader, and you guys won't believe what happens next -- it turns out that really fucks with a kid. what follows is a coming of age story unlike any other, following Kalki's growth from a self-assured child god to a young man with a lot of questions about exactly how he fits into the world. Sindu's writing is smooth as hell, impossible to put down, and takes Kalki down some thrillingly unexpected twists that complicate every notion of identity and self. 10/10, made me want to go read all of Sindu's other work immediately.

My Solo Exchange Diary Vol. 1 (Nagata Kabi, trans. Jocelyne Allen 2016) - I was not remotely joking last month when I said that My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness was so good that I would be tracking down all of Ngata's other work in short order. her solo exchange diary continues to document a journey of self-growth with none of the usual unbearable fluff that phrase entails, instead highlighting all the discomfort that comes with realizing you can no longer keep living the way you were and finding yourself pissing, shitting, shaking, etc, in the face of learning how to do something different. I really admire the way Nagata's vulnerability is upfront and prevents her from ever sounding like some kind of self-help guru who claims to know everything; her self-discoveries are presented as unexpected gems rather than universal truths, the discoveries of someone as pleasantly surprised by her own progress as all of her readers. there's something immensely comforting in these graphic novels, which I think is the reminder that there's literally no wrong time to start wanting and doing better for yourself.

Me, Not You: The Trouble with Mainstream Feminism (Alison Phipps, 2020) - I added this book to my TBR because I noticed that Phipps seemed to be drawing the ire of a lot of TERFs on twitter, which is (in my experience) usually a pretty good indicator that someone is doing something interesting worth checking out. having finally circled around to her book, I can see why Phipps (who seems to have since deleted her twitter account) was making TERFs so angry: Me, Not You doesn't even get to page 10 without plainly stating its thesis statement that trans exclusionary feminism is inseparable from other reactionary conservative ideologies such as racism, colonialism, and misogyny itself. so that's a super promising thesis, but how about the actual content of the text? eeeeh. Phipps drops a lot of the right names -- especially Sara Ahmed, and I can certainly never object to Ahmed -- and she's certainly sincere, but I can't help feeling that many of her arguments come across as a bit shallow and under-supported for the sake of time. if I were assigning this book it would be the first week reading for, like, a semester-long exploration of white feminism, with more substantial reading to follow. not a bad primer on the whole, but lacking if you've, say, already read most of the writers Phipps is influenced by.

Nightbitch (Rachel Yoder, 2021) - this is a book that I have been MEANING to read since it came out in mid-2021, and I have FINALLY gotten around to it. having done it: I would say worth the hype. Nightbitch is an intensely internal meditation about the mundane horrors of motherhood, of isolation and endless repetition, of time and energy lost and creative pursuits stifled seemingly forever. its terror is that of the loss of self and endless stagnation in the face of duty, and how sometimes you get tired of being nice and just want to go apeshit turn into a dog and run howling through the night to kill small animals and take a shit on your republican neighbor's lawn. I don't even have a kid and it sounds good, so you can imagine how delighted I was when (vague spoilers) the book ends with Nightbitch absolutely winning. go, girlboss!

Mongrels (Stephen Graham Jones, 2016) - in another accidental two-book thematic streak, I immediately followed Nightbitch with Stephen Graham Jones' books about the saddest, grossest werewolves ever. Mongrels pulls no punches about the bloody realities of shifting perpetually between forms -- werewolves have to avoid wearing anything that won't tear away when they transform, because it will simply meld with their skin when they change back and kill them slowly; they have to dispose of their trash constantly, or risk eating something that will kill them slowly when they next turn into a hungry wolf; when human women give birth to werewolves they have to be killed quickly or, you guessed it, turn into half-dog monsters and die slowly. but despite the horrors, Jones' werewolves take grim pride in what they are and the solace they find in each other on their endless nomadic quest to avoid discovery and live the best lives they can. it's only February, but I'm absolutely confident saying that this blood-splattered book is going to be one of my favorites of the year.

Book Banning in 21st-Century America (Emily J.M. Knox, 2015) - I was lucky enough to recently see Dr. Knox lecture at the university where I work, and I'd hopped on my local library's website to place this book (her dissertation) on hold before she'd even finished speaking. while the text is a lot dryer than her very charming in-person presence, I think it's extremely important reading for anyone who has a vested interest in, you know, book banning and the prevention thereof. Knox cannily summarizes the attitudes that lead to challenges to the accessibility of various reading materials, offering examples from real challenges and interviews with challengers, creating a comprehensive study of the symbolic power exerted by fighting to remove a book from a library or high school curriculum. I think these kinds of studies are so vital, because understanding the mindset of people to whom you're pretty much completely ideologically opposed can be illuminating in many ways. I was particularly shaken by one grandmother's objections to the book I use when teaching human development to 4th-6th graders, which I consider incredibly tasteful and the grandmother in question considered pornography that was hellbent on destroying the fabric of American society. the more you know!

Red, White & Royal Blue (Casey McQuiston, 2019) - look, I pretty much already said it all here. this is a romance novel for adults who want to read about gay sex without having to see the word "penis" and believe that voting democrat is the best solution the all of America's ills. the plot is nonsense and reading it made me feel insane. I enjoyed almost every second of it because I experienced the correct way, which was reporting its many sins live to my wife, my creative partner @dykerory, and any other hapless passerby I could force to hold still and listen for five seconds. yes I will be watching the movie. no further questions.

sorry this update isn't in bulleted list form like normal, tumblr told me I had too many fucking characters and wouldn't let me post it until I separated them 💀

#reading updates

[vickyvicarious]

OMG your tags on that Eliot/Experimental Job gifset!!!! And especially "eliot just becomes that abyss staring back" because wow a) what an amazing phrasing and b) the general tone of incredibly sad but beautiful reading of the scene/character/background. Such an amazing scene and phenomenal acting and writing.

(the post and little tag meta in question.)

.

Ahaha, thank you! It really struck me - that scene has always gotten to me. Not only is Eliot’s part in that whole episode showcasing a part of him we rarely see so clearly, but that particular scene involves him weaponizing it. He so often is assured in his skills, enjoys being underestimated and then showing off and freaking people out with his competency, but it’s almost always softer than here. It’s nonlethal, it’s him using his skill to take his opponents down but not permanently. He generally has fun fighting, you can see it on his face. Only when things get serious does he get like this - not to say he doesn’t take his opponents seriously usually, but the level of intensity and lethality he displays is totally different.

One of the earliest scenes where you see him not messing around in this way is when he just grabs that gun the thug has tucked in his belt in The Miracle Job. It’s not nearly as intense, and honestly just comes off hilarious in the scene, but it also stands out to me as an early moment where he just moves forward and very deliberately shuts his opposition down by exposing the vast difference between their perceived toughness and someone who is actually deadly. You stick your gun in your pants to show off you have a gun? That’s not scary. What’s scary is the man you were trying to threaten stepping right up into your space and holding the trigger ready to fire directly into your junk.

This is that same kind of psych-out, except with far more rage behind it, and no physical threat whatsoever. Nothing directly stated or even too openly implied. But Eliot (who is literally resisting torture before and after this conversation) says just enough, lets his voice and gaze and complete calm say the rest. This man is completely out of his league in trying to get into Eliot’s head, and Eliot shows him that.

I love it. It’s really badass, really scary like I said, and honestly, yeah. Very sad. Because in order to do that sort of thing, you have to be genuinely deadly. You have to be the kind of person who has done those sorts of things. Not just fighting, but deliberate murder. Not just once, but enough that hesitation is a choice rather than an instinct. Eliot can, has, and if the situation required potentially would again be able to calmly kill someone. And that’s one of the other scariest parts of his little speech: he mentions names, who begged, who didn’t, he mentions “what food was on their breath” and that’s the one that floors me. That means he was up close and personal with them. Not just physically - to remember something like that, something so specific, means there is no mental distancing whatsoever. It’s no sniping from a distance, or pressing a button to set off a bomb, and not really processing that you just killed a person. Eliot was there every time, he did that and he knows it and will never forget. He regrets what he’s done so much, but he doesn’t waste time just wallowing in guilt any more than he blames anyone else: the fact is that he killed those people. It’s done. And his acceptance of that, combined with his certainty that he’s already brought upon himself the worst sort of torture by doing so, allows him to have these moments. 

He knows what he’s done, knows he can do it again. He doesn’t want to, but Eliot already knows how to live with himself after the fact. And when he shows that in this scene, it is such a powerful moment. I do stand by “abyss staring back” because honestly, when you watch that guy’s face - look at how smug he still is in the third gif. Then when Eliot starts talking in the fourth, his eyes are caught. He is pulled in, staring, gets so still and so unnerved. He can’t look away until Eliot finishes and the moment is broken, and at that point he is shaken. Trying not to show it but he can’t even fully meet Eliot’s eyes.

I really, really do love that scene so much. Like you said: great idea, fantastic execution.

#leverage #eliot spencer #leverage meta #angelrtsy95 #replies #my meta #thanks for giving me even more reason to babble about this scene #this is a trope i tend to love: the soldier who has done horrible things and is now dedicated to peace #ranging from old cowboy films to like... uncle iroh #but eliot is such an excellent case of it because he's not really retired #he just chose to use his skills - the same ones that did all that horrible stuff - for something better #and he did so early and he never stopped. his dedication to peace isn't just settling down on a ranch somewhere and never fighting again #it's actively doing good in the world #idk i love it

[multifandomgirl-us]

Dick grayson x asexual reader pls?/ (Anything's chill, imagines, headcanons, etc. -Sorry for the lack of specificity!)

No problem! Thank you for being my first request! Just let me know if what I write isn't what you want and I can write another. I am asexual as well but I know that I varies for everyone so I wrote this for how I am as an asexual so hopefully no one gets mad.

Throughout your life, you had read and heard stories of the damsel princesses being saved by the brave princes. You had always wondered when your day would come where your prince would sweep you off your feet.

But as you grew up, you learned that they were just that ,fairy tales, and the shows and books now that we're centered to your age portrayed couples that were not so innocent. They were portrayed as passionate and unable to keep their hands to themselves. But that was not how you wanted it to be.

You found those you were attracted to but you never felt the want to have someone rip your clothes off and ravish you. It just never interested you.

So when you got to a point in your relationship with Dick Grayson where it was normal for some people to have their first times together, you started to worry. You've been there before and when you didn't want you got your heart broken. Another time when you gave in to satisfy your significant other, it felt like you were losing part of who you were and regretted it immediately. It was not satisfying to you and you ended it because it seemed that was all they wanted you for.

Dick had invited you over to his apartment tonight for dinner and you know how this usually went. Once he found out, he was going to break it off and all you can do is prepare yourself for the downfall. So, you did what anyone would do when preparing for a break up. You put on your most flattering outfit and a brave face and headed over to Dick's place to face the demise of your relationship.

*at Dick's place*

"Hey! Wow! Y/N! You look great! Come on in!" Dick greeted you before he kissed your cheek.

"Yeah, just couldn't wait to see you!" You smile back and kiss him back. Looking around you notice several things throughout the apartment:

- dimmed lights

- candles and flowers on the table

- soft music in the background

You also notice the permanent grin that seemed to be etched into Dick's face. The grin that seemed to widen when a loud high pitched sound resonated through the apartment.

"Well, it actually seems like you are on time. Dinner is ready!"

Dinner was phenomenal and you would have to thank Alfred if you saw him for he was the reason behind the food as Dick had told you sheepishly. As Dick cleared the dishes, you could tell he was trying to seduce you. It was a little (a lot) uncomfortable but he couldn't tell. He didn't know that you were asexual and you were going to have to tell him.

"Hey, so I was thinking, that you-" Dick started before you cut him off.

"I have to talk to you about something."

The concern on his face showed through his smile.

"Yeah, sure whatever you need to talk about," he assured. He could see the worry on your face and that made him worry.

So, you told him about your past relationships and the reaction that most people had when you revealed to them what you are about to reveal to him. Most of all you were trying to prepare yourself and him for what was mostly a bomb to other relationships.

"What could be so bad that they did those things to you?"

"I'm asexual and I know what you must be thinking, that-"

"Hey hey woah woah woah, they did all that because you said you are asexual? Y/N, I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am sorry that you felt you had to hide that from me," he said as he held your hand.

"So, you're not going to break up with me?"

"Break up with- no Y/N , I love you and I am glad you feel comfortable enough to share that with me.

"Thank you, Dick for everything."

#batman imagine #comic books #dick grayson imagines #dick grayson #dick grayson imagine #dick grayson x reader #nightwing imagines #nightwing #nightwing imagine #nightwing x reader #batfamily imagine #batfam

[hirakdesherrani]

EBSS 24-28 June:

Okay, first off, I just have to hand it to the writers for covering so much ground in a span of 5 episodes. Was it rushed? Yes, for sure. But it was so, so good. Not on a single count of writing, did I feel dissatisfied. Star Plus has been ruthless, ordering a revamp so soon (ram jaane what trp they expected on this slot, esp. during the WC), but writers did an incredible job under so much pressure.👏 Its been a while I’ve been so impressed with the writing of a show, and I’m not going to stop gushing about it so soon. 

Anyways, here are some scattered thoughts:

What a longgggg, and exhausting day it has been for Kabir, from parting with his wife and son, to finding out that his Dad is a shitty human being, to saving his Dad from burning to ashes, to finding himself and his family homeless, boy has been having a tough time, all within 24 hours. 😓

Initially, I was mighty annoyed that instead of giving us Kabir v/s Jahnvi, they started with the good bahu v/s bad bahu crap. Though happy about the revamp, I was curious about how will the writers manage to bring Kabir into the picture? And they did it quite smoothly. So, obviously good bahu Kavya has to poke her nose everywhere, but of course, Jahnvi can’t have that. So, she gets her out of the way, without doing anything really, because Kavya, like an idiot, has to stalk Jahnvi. Toh ab bhugto. I ain’t feeling bad for that girl. 😈

A lot of people felt it was wrong on Jahnvi’s part to frame Kavya, esp. considering she has been shown so concerned for Aarush. But the thing is, Jahnvi prizes her revenge above everything else, so it was obvious from the start, that Aarush would get hurt somewhere down the line. Will Jahnvi regret it in future? That remains to be seen. 

Coming back, by framing Kavya, the writers managed to involve Kabir as well as, provide a dignified exit for Kavya. I loved the parting scene of Kabir-Kavya, surprisingly really, that by the time I like them, its too late. What I liked most, was Kabir insisting on leaving the house with Kavya, with their heads held high. Kavya already has the reassurance that Kabir trusts her, but Kabir didn’t want Kavya’s departure from the house under a cloud of accusation. He was so concerned for her respect. And that has made Kabir my most favorite male lead in the last five years, right after Asad. I just love male leads who can take a stand for females. Especially, in this case, because Kabir isn’t in love with Kavya, but he knows his duties as a husband, and friend. 😍

Kavya’s departure also seemed sensible. Even without Jahnvi framing her, PK didn’t lose an opportunity to humiliate her. The kind of asshole he is, I don’t ever see PK accepting Kavya. I’m glad she actually moved away from the shitty Mittal household, more so for Aarush, at least bachcha bach gaya. But I’ll miss baby Aarush. 😔

Now that his wife and friend was framed, obviously Kabir has to investigate, and it was the most natural transition from Kavya to Kabir as the protagonist (like it should have been from the start). I just loved how Kabir proceeded with it. The investigation, esp. the scene where he fools Amma with the microchip, was so sleek. The writers remembered that he’s a special agent, and I do assure you, its a rarity by ITV standards. 

Another thing I’d like to highlight is that Kabir doesn’t lose his head through allllllll the shit that’s been happening. Why? Obviously, because he is an army man, and they are trained to deal with pressurized situations. The writers underlined this fact very subtly, I don’t even know if viewers caught on. After all that has transpired, Kabir was still being patient and  composed when he was talking to Pooja. 

Which brings me to Jahnvi/Pooja.....I love her so much. I think the best thing about Jahnvi is that she is so unforgiving. YAS! We need more female characters, esp. female leads who are unforgiving. Tellywood has innumerable times reinforced this idea of a kind and forgiving, farmabaddar, female lead. After Maya (of Beyhadh), thankfully this trend is changing. I am so, so glad that Jahnvi tried to immolate PK, and even gladder of the fact, that not just the perpetrators, but she punished junior Mittals too, in a way. It might seem unfair, but c’mon, they are grown up, educated adults who had a good childhood, and they can fend for themselves, unlike Pooja and Rani who lost their father, their childhood, and would have suffered a worse fate if Amma had not adopted them. Bless Amma, one of the best parental figures in ITV rn. 🤧

Was Jahnvi’s plan rushed? Hella yes. But there are two things here, first with Manohar, and then Kavya/Kabir, Pooja has had two close shaves. Even if she framed Kavya, Kabir was sure to find the truth. So, obviously she had to expedite her plan. Secondly, Jahnvi has been working on her plan for at least two years, I’m presuming, entering PK’s company as an employee, gaining his favor and trust on her skills over even his own son, then marrying into the family and gaining their trust. For the audience, the show is only two months old, but from the point where the show started, Jahnvi has already spent quite a few years reaching up till this stage, so she can’t delay anymore, especially with the chances of her cover being blown increasing. 

The plan seemed too simple, but the thing is, PK was going to read the papers. For Jahnvi to avoid that, she needed two things, his unflinching trust, which she had gained over the years, and second, a pressure situation, where he can be distracted easily. I’d say finding out about a supposed arch enemy, threatening your rebellious son, and your Dad being paralyzed post a heart attack, can be pretty stressful.

Obviously Jahnvi could have lured him to a shady place and burnt him long ago, but she needed to ruin him and his family completely. So, getting the papers signed was a priority. 

I think this is where the best part comes. OUFFFF Shrenu was so good in the scene burning down that house. The transition from pain and hurt, to resolve and anger, and deathly calm after she did the act. Terrific! 🔥 In the same episode, Zain and Ayub were great too.

Kabir’s motivations are so clear. He is the good cop, upholding what is right and just. Obviously he saved his Dad, because he is a son after all, but right next moment he threatened his father, in a non-negotiable tone, that he better surrender himself to the law. 

And here we have the clash of values. While Pooja follows her own law, i.e. Hammurabi’s code of eye for an eye, Kabir staunchly believes in law and justice. I really liked that he restrained Dhruv, when Pooja ridiculed him, because he understood Pooja’s motivations and maybe even sympathized with her on some level. 

It was a little thick of PK to shout at Dhruv and blame him for marrying Jahnvi, when he was the one who trusted Jahnvi the most in the family, and even ridiculed his son, and thanked the stars that his son was lucky enough to marry someone like Jahnvi. Hmpf.

About Dhruv’s actions, I’ve already mentioned in another post, so moving on to Pooja. I am so glad that she broke off the relationship. Why was it surprising to anyone that she had never married him for real? I thought it was obvious. I mean, she wasn’t going to really marry a guy, in the legal sense, for the sake of revenge. That too, the son of her enemy. I was so glad when she said, “Mere kareeb aane ki koshish mat karna”. Throughout the two months of the show, they’ve shown us Jahnvi’s discomfort when Dhruv comes near, even though she did feel guilty sometimes about using him. Imagine her relief to be finally rid of him. Agreed, she should not have ridiculed him like that, but there is no polite way of telling a person that “you are a dumbfuck and I used you for my revenge.” What annoyed me were the reactions on Twitter condemning Pooja for humiliating Dhruv, and insisting that JanRuv should be endgame, because ‘Dhruv loves her so much’. I mean, what sort of shitty male entitlement is this? More so, because it is propagated by female stans. 

Anyways, coming back to the climax of this drama, SHRENU WAS PHENOMENAL. The transition from rage to mockery to a business-like voice telling the shitty Mitals to gtfo was so well done.👏 Esp. the moment, when she drills into their heads that ‘folks, that car ain’t yours, leave it’, I cackled so bad! 😂

I absolutely loved this week’s episodes. Only thing is, Imma gonna miss my shady Jahnvi Mittal. Shrenu was at her best with her micro-expressions and transitions, and I’ve never seen a more perfect casting on Star Plus in the past few years. No one else, and I mean it, no other actress on ITV rn can play Jahnvi Mittal, cuz no one has the calibre of micro-expressions that Shrenu does. 💜

But I’m ready for the open fight. Zain was so good this week, this show finally giving him what he’s capable of. Bring it on! 

#ek bhram sarvagun sampanna #ebss #shrenu parikh #zain imam #my stuff

[thestudyfeels]

Just finished reading a Paulo Coelho book. In three words, it was beautiful, poetic and life-changing. For the next few minutes, here’s what happened: I leaned back on my bed frame, eyes closed, my lips instantly parting into a content smile. Bliss. Then, I scrambled to my desk and grabbed a pen and paper, inspiration coursing through my veins. I had a mission to conquer.

… And here we are now. It’s rare to find books that give you ten times the energy you initially put into reading the book. The Alchemist, it turns out, is one of those prizes. It’s about everything I preach on this blog *adjusts halo on head* - pursuing your destiny, having faith, never backing out, bouncing back up from failure (read here), leaving a legacy behind - and look up to in my life.

Ahem, hence, this post is a big deal. Yes, a bigger deal than food. Pat, put that taco down, I see you. Listen, huh? (Clears throat.)

That said (no Pat, don’t you dare sneak in a bite), let’s talk about The Alchemist and its lessons. Get your comfort drink and a blanket, for this is a long one, bud. Stay till the end for free tacos! (But to think of it, Pat would’ve finished them by then, so… stay anyway? Thanks.)

Unless you’re a believer, miracles won’t happen for you. And trust me, miracles are one thing you will want on your side when you start your journey. Having faith, y’know, believing, is one of the common traits of the highly successful go-getters. Not trusting your capabilities, worrying you aren’t worth the life you are aiming for will become your inevitable failure. Why? ‘Cause, where your attention is, your energy flows.

Omens play a big role in deepening your faith. They are signs that you’re on the way to living your best life, an assurance that you’re on the right path. Omens can be anything - a vision you had that you could never quite forget (same), food that reminded you of something or someone (I’ve made you hungry now, oops) - ANYTHING. I know, this sounds all woo-woo to you right now but listen, when you start believing, magic happens, and the more omens you discover because the universe is now all hyped up for you. So firstly, believe. Then, you’ll see the impossible happening. Don’t do it the other way around.

  Omens? They’re like checking off items from a to-do list with the last one saying ‘live my dream life and kick ass every day.’ Who don’t like a checked off to-do now?

Here’s going deep. Ultimately, you know what will count? The number of people you impacted, the courage you showed in living your dream life, and the legacy you left behind. That’s all that counts.

My man, Shakespeare, is dead. Which… sounds rude when I say it. (Don’t haunt me Mr. Shakespeare, let’s not turn this into a real-life Hamlet.) Why do people still read his awesome (though I don’t get them) work? Leonardo da Vinci, my bro, is ‘dead’ too. Why do people still flock to see the Mona Lisa? (If not, they just search up Mona Lisa memes and I feel them.) To come to my point, the greats are great because they have the courage to do something different. You’ll notice that each of these wizards created something new and authentic. They were true to themselves. Imagine what would’ve happened if Shakespeare thought his work sucked and pushing Newton aside, started juggling apples up and down. I think it’ll be safe to say that Literature and Physics would both be effed up.

You are here on an important mission too. To find your passion and pursue it. Don’t waste those precious hours on shit that doesn’t fill you with happiness and satisfaction. Be like Shakespeare. He didn’t care that hundreds of years later, high school kids would hate him for his bewildering poems. He’s the real boss. After all, we are still reading his poems lmao.

Or in millennial speak, your homie. From whom you steal food because you know they wouldn’t mind (or maybe they would, but you don’t give an eff). Yup, that friend.

The best lesson that shone from this book (it’s a shiny book) was this - your heart? It is terrified to pursue its dreams because it fears losing everything along the way. It’s afraid of failure, of being betrayed, and, well, of heartbreak. Your heart believes this because all around, in our society, it witnesses people living meaningless lives and dying with regrets. It has gotten around to believing that this is the way to live. And so, this happens - “Helen don’t you even DARE think about opening your dream nail salon. How ridiculous can you be?! You’re perfect as a real estate agent, selling property and writing contracts for European clients whose names you can’t pronounce. I mean, hey, struggling to rent out ancient mansions isn’t that frustrating.”

Your heart will come up with all sorts of creative excuses UNLESS you manage to convince it otherwise, and make it realize “the worry about suffering is indeed worse than the suffering itself.” Once you do that, you’ll no longer need to ask for validation from others or seek happiness advice from your terminally sad friend - your heart WILL give you all of the answers.  

So teach your heart to be fearless and your heart will teach you how to remain so. Forever. *Mic drop*

Here’s a quote from the book: “‘I am, between my flock [he was a shepherd] and my treasure,’ the boy thought. He had to choose between something he had become accustomed to and something he wanted to have.”

Nobody ever accomplished something mind-blowing without encountering risk. Most people, however, are so afraid of stepping out of their comfort zones that instead they accept mediocre lives and die whining about how ‘everything is so unfair.’ Or complain they got no money while being jealous of everyone else’s success. Or “why can’t I have a hot boyfriend like Cayla’s man.” Jesus.

Because the thing is - we live like we’re scared of living. Here, I’ll wait till that sinks in… drowning in the quicksand of truth yet? Kay. I was in the shower making my stinky self clean the day this thought struck me. (#showerthoughts, ha.) I think I smiled. Or LOL-ed in my mind. It just sounded so stupid!

What if you had a SINGLE chance to become someone worth becoming? A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity came up. Would you really, really, continue to live your boring-ass life and lose the opportunity? That’s what life is about. It’s full of opportunities to turn the tables and have a new, exciting start. To leave a dull, boring life behind and never look back!

    But because they usually come at a price (like quitting your lame job and having the courage to start the business you’ve always wanted to), most are scared of leaving the shores to explore the dangers of the unknown. DON’T do that. Life’s not tryna kill you here. This ain’t no Jumanji. Be brave, my friend, trust that life has your back (it does), and take those risks that have the potential to change your life phenomenally.

Go out today and live an amazing, adventurous life because it’s short and you’ll never be this young. And, inch by inch, day by day, step out, pal. Step outta your comfort zone. THAT’S where the real danger is.

This was one of my favourite parts in the book. Here (spoiler alert), the boy was asked to find ‘life,’ an omen the Alchemist wanted to discover before guiding the boy to his destiny. The boy, as it always happens in stories, had no idea what the old man meant. So, my dude did this. He let loose the reins on his horse. The horse, drunk on freedom, ran and only came to a stop in front of a small hole in the desert ground. When the alchemist put his hand inside that hole, he found a tiny black snake (yes the snake bit him, but apparently he’s Superman). The boy had thus found life and could now begin his journey.

The hidden meaning behind this (authors sure love to do this to us, huh) was that life finds life. Similars attract. The horse had a feeling that there would be a living creature inside that hole, simply because they were both alive. Real deep shit. You feel me? Otherwise known as the Law of Attraction, this suggests that you attract the things you value or think about the most. To put simply, like = like.

For instance, if you’re a grouchy human and complain about the insignificants, I know two things about you (yes, I’m magic): A) you are not shiny at all, my pal, your life story is a pile of dust (the dust ain’t shiny either) and B) you probably have the same kind of lame friends too.

You attract what you give your attention to, whether subconsciously or not. Let’s say you value loyalty and think cheating is a big no-no. If you continue to value it for a while, you yourself will become a loyal hoe and not do the dirty deeds. Like = Like. Similarly, if you value hard work and relentlessness, eventually (it’ll speed up the process if you consciously work harder, BTW), you’ll find yourself having those traits.

Moral of the story? To make your life shiner, change your beliefs, attitude, values and personality to the affirmative. Life will be a blast for you.

And finally, the last one! Let’s end by saying life is going to throw many obstacles and adversities at you. It ALWAYS does. The pursuit to your destiny begins with beginner’s luck (in complex tongue, the principle of favorability) and ends with the victor being severely tested. Sadly, THAT’S the point where most give up. Just when they are inches away from their treasure, they give up. It gets too hard for them, they lose faith, stop trusting their instincts - and BAM, they’re back to square one.

  Don’t let that happen to you. Just know that all the obstacles you face, they aren’t failures. The only true failure in life is quitting. Everything else is just gathering information. And one last thing, before I leave and try to pry away that one taco I see in Pat’s hand, remember this quote, “the darkest hour of the night comes just before dawn,” and when life throws a fit, hang on, knowing your dream life awaits you just around the corner. You are going to conquer life. I’m so proud of you.

Want to read more? Here are some related posts:

Read my last post: Interview 3 - Living a life true to you)

Mentioned in this post: Bouncing back from failure

5 reasons why you’re unhappy right now

A list of all the books I have read so far in 2018

+ Want to request a blog post? Leave your request in my ask box!

Well, that’s a wrap! I post new articles every week (the schedule’s here) so you can follow me if you are into killing the game & conquering life. I’ll do my best to help you in the tough yet amazing journey called life. ✧

If you want to go through my blog, I suggest picking your choice of post from my masterpost list! Or, if you want to read something insightful on your cozy afternoon while chilling under blankets, I recommend reading one of my interviews. Feeling spoilt for choices? Here’s another! If you want to implement the ideas I share in my masterposts by taking action, take on one of my challenges!

I hope you are well; stay strong and conquer life, you conqueror.

- Nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

#the alchemist #paulo coelho #the alchemist review #book review #book recommendations #books #book inspiration #ref #studyblr #study inspiration #motivation #life talk #this took me forever pls show some love yall #studyblr2019 #*life #*lists #unicorn studying

[shireness-says]

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?

Summary:  Emma's written for as long as she's had words in her head, but some songs she holds closer than others. When you've left a bit of your soul on the page, it's hard to let anyone in to read them. ~2.5K. Rated T for language. Also on AO3.

Previous Rockstar!Emma installments: Maybe I Won’t Die Alone, Second Verses and Happy Beginnings, Lullaby, Nobody’s Business

A/N: Another snippet in my Rockstar!Emma AU verse - definitely go read those first. This particular piece spiraled out from a passing reference in the original to Killian finding a box of piano ballads when he helps Emma move.

Super thanks to @snidgetsafan, my phenomenal beta. Honestly, she’s the best, even when I throw unexpected stuff like this at her when I’m supposed to be working on Playing the Part.

I listen to a LOT of Ingrid Michaelson music when writing this verse, and a lot of those lyrics have found their way into this fic. I obviously own nothing - I just get Emma feelings listening. The title is pulled from "Breakable"; lyrics in this fic pulled from (in order of appearance, and one song per section): "Men of Snow", "Sort of" "Are We There Yet", "The Chain", and "Overboard".

I also maybe possibly made a Spotify playlist of all the songs that I imagine in this series, like for the karaoke and stuff, and will post that if demanded.

Tagging those I know particularly enjoy this series: @kmomof4, @shady-swan-jones, @mythologicalmango, @onceuponaprincessworld, @effulgentcolors. Holler at me if you ever want to be tagged in stuff.

Without further ado, enjoy!

Emma’s written for as long as she’s had words in her head.

She doesn’t have any grand intended purpose for them, no dreams of becoming an author or a poet or whatever else one does with their words, but they’re there and they’re hers and true ownership of anything is hard to come by in the childhood she’s living. They morph from poetic phrases and fragments of stories to songs in middle school when a particularly kind music teacher instructs Emma in the basics of piano during study hall, and Emma finally has the format to match all those bits and pieces of language running through her head.

She’s not even particularly organized about it in those early days, pouring out her feelings onto tiny scraps of paper and the edges of notebook pages and napkins and whatever else is on hand when she needs an outlet, needs to turn all her feelings into verse before they eat her alive. Given enough time, all those scraps - well, at least the ones she saves, the ones she’s actually satisfied with for their own merit instead of as cathartic release - form a layer of creative detritus at the bottom of her backpack as she’s shuffled from family to group home and back again.

Ruth Nolan is something else, however, something Emma can recognize even at 15. Ruth seems to see everything, eyes almost too kind and understanding to be real. It shouldn’t really surprise Emma that her latest foster mother - a woman trying to live up to that title in more than just name - sees her little hobby, if you could call it that, as well.

One day you will go away…

The older woman shows up with a notebook and a hatbox, the latter carrying that particular smell Emma associates with the antique stores Ruth likes so much.

“I thought you might like someplace you could keep all your pieces together,” Ruth says in that tone of voice Emma’s learning means she’s afraid she’s overstepping Emma’s boundaries. “Only if you want, of course. And then a pretty notebook too, for your writing or journaling or just school, if you prefer. What girl doesn’t need a pretty notebook?”

Emma’s wary to accept the gift - gifts are easy to take back when she’s inevitably sent back, so there’s no sense in getting attached - but she thinks Ruth might mean it genuinely. “Thanks,” she says, attempting a smile. “That’s a good idea.” Even if she’s hesitant to accept the gift, Ruth’s too good to hurt her feelings, so Emma makes the effort all the same.

“Oh, it’s nothing, my girl,” Ruth excuses, cheeks pinking as she busily fusses with the pillows on Emma’s bed, almost like she didn’t expect even that small praise. After a few moments, she seems to run out of things to do in that direction, straightening with a sigh to meet Emma’s hesitant smile. “You’ll let me know if you need anything else, sweetie?”

It strikes Emma for the first time that Ruth may be just as nervous about this working out as she is, but is trying so hard all the same to make Emma feel like a part of something. “Yeah, I will,” she reassures, before taking it a brave step further. “I thought maybe I’d come down in a few, if you or David wanted to play a card game or something?”

“I’d love that,” Ruth beams, sending a little shoot of happiness and pride through Emma that she was able to do that. “No rush, sweetheart, you come down whenever you’re ready,” she assures on her way out.

Just one more line, Emma thinks, quickly finishing out her thought before putting her pen aside to join the Nolans downstairs.

It takes months and months, but Emma figures out that Ruth Nolan is a no-backsies kind of woman, both with her gifts and her love. The adoption papers are certainly proof of that sentiment, though Emma has moved all her snippets into the hatbox even before everything’s official. She’s finally found a place of her own in this world - it’s time her words do too.

———

My love’s too big for you my love…

The words are a release, a way to express everything she’s feeling when faced with her first real heartbreak at the hands of her cheating ex-boyfriend. They’re never meant to be seen by anyone - hell, Emma’s not sure that she herself wants to read them a second time, bear witness to that pure expression of pain again. Yes, she’s fucking pissed at Neal, and no, she doesn’t want to rekindle things or remotely regret their breakup after finding him in bed with another woman, but she loved him, in that awful, consuming, first-love kind of way. And that doesn’t go away instantly, even despite her anger, even when given the ample evidence that it should. Writing it all down, Emma’s long since learned, is the first step in processing and moving forward.

Tell me what to do to take away the you…

What she doesn’t plan on, however, is Belle spotting the words where Emma’s left them on her dorm room’s desk when the brunette swings by with an impromptu question about their creative writing assignment. It’s far too late to hide them - the time for that was before Belle knocked, honestly, and any efforts now will just make it look like Emma has something interesting to hide. Even if Belle is a sweet girl, one that Emma doesn’t think would pry if she just snatched the page back, there’s no closing the barn door after the horse has already escaped.

“Is this for class?” Belle asks, understandably confused. It’s fairly obviously not a school assignment, since they haven’t been asked to complete anything in verse.

“No, it’s… a personal project, I guess,” Emma half-heartedly explains. “Just a hobby.”

Belle raises her eyebrows at that. “It’s really good. Is it a song?”

“Could be,” Emma shrugs. “I mean, I kind of wrote it like that, but I’ve never actually sat down and figured out the music that goes with it, so…”

“Still, it’s impressive,” Belle comments. “I’d go see a band who was putting out stuff like this.”

“Thanks,” Emma mumbles, feeling her cheeks start to flush pink.

“Thanks for not snatching it out of my hand immediately,” Belle grins. “Do you have any others you’d be willing to share?”

Looking back, Emma thinks the band was born that night - or at least the idea for one. Either way, before the year is out, they’re practicing with two other acquaintances-turned-bandmates in university practice rooms, trying to put together sounds and words that people will actually want to listen to.

(The hatbox remains sealed, however; certain things are just too private to put in front of the world.)

———

They say that home is where the heart is

I guess I haven’t found my home…

She probably should have figured Killian would find the hatbox when she asked him to help her unpack the boxes in the office - a task she’s been putting off for an almost embarrassingly long time. If there’s one thing she’s learned, it’s that Killian Jones is meticulous in everything he does, and helping Emma unpack her belongings and god-awful stacks of files is no exception.

“What’re these, then?” he teases, flashing Emma that grin that he thinks is charming (and Emma sometimes allows herself to find charming as well).

“Oh, you know. Just some stuff I’ve written,” she says, as vaguely as possible. It’s not that she wants to hide this box from him, or that she cares that he’s found all her scraps of songs, but there’s a lot of memories in that box, years of the feelings she hides so well behind her public facade, and they honestly don’t have the time to go through it all. Jury’s still out on whether Emma has the inclination to do so in the first place.

“I don’t recognize these,” he says, frowning in confusion as he scans the messy scrawl dancing across the pages. “Are they from the next album?” His face suddenly lights up with an excitement more characteristic of a young boy, not a grown-ass adult whose best friend will gladly give him a sneak peak of the drafts for the next album if he ever asks.

“No, God no,” she snorts. “Those will never see the light of day.”

“Whyever not?” he asks. The defensive part of Emma reads it as a demand, but her logic and ears at least are able to process his tone as actually pretty polite, though curious. “These are really good.”

Emma shrugs. “Not really our style. Those are meant to be just the piano and maybe an acoustic guitar.” They’re excuses, she realizes, and though Killian seems to be happy enough to take them at face value, Emma feels a twinge of guilt about not giving him more. He’s her best friend, after all; their trust is an implicit thing, strong in the knowledge that they’ll never judge one another. With that in mind, Emma scratches out a small hole in her walls to hand him more. “They’re… personal,” she elaborates, though that was probably already obvious. “I mean, those in the box were my emotional outlet for a while. They’re just too… close, if that makes sense? I don’t really want to share them with everyone.”

Killian drops the slips back into the box quickly, hastening to seal everything back up. “I’m sorry, love, I didn’t mean to pry,” he apologizes.

He really doesn’t need to. “Killian, it’s fine,” she smiles. “You’re not ‘everyone’. Or whatever. Something less corny.”

“Too late, Swan,” he replies, that smug look trying to creep across his face. “I’ll treasure those words forever.”

Emma rolls her eyes at him, but truthfully, she doesn’t particularly mind. She may have been hesitant to show Killian that little bit of herself, but it ultimately wasn’t nearly as hard or painful as she feared. Then again, things with Killian have always been easy - easy and comfortable.

She can’t help but think that maybe, now that they both live in the same city, they can finally explore that something that’s always been simmering just below the surface of their friendship.

They say you’re really not somebody

Until somebody else loves you

Well I am waiting to make somebody somebody soon…

———

Emma Swan isn’t, historically, a wallower, but it was a fucking stupid fight, and looking back, she’s entirely to blame. Or, at the very least, she can’t blame Killian for being frustrated - “her fault” makes it sound like she was out looking for an argument. But at the very least, she sees and understands why he was upset in the first place.

It’s so stupid in retrospect, the events that led to their fight. They’d run into an acquaintance of Emma’s, one of the sound techs that’s working with them on the next album, and it fell to Emma to make introductions - and she’d fumbled. Badly. To the tune of “This is my… this is Killian.” And yes, they were walking down the street with arms thrown around each other, and the techie totally knew that they were together, but still. Not a good thing that Emma’s still too screwed up to even call Killian her boyfriend.

“Don’t you think that hurts, Emma?” he asks later, begs later after she demands to know why he’s being so quiet. “We’ve been together for three and a half months, and I know you’re committed to this relationship - at least when it’s just us - but it’s like a little knife to the heart when you can’t or won’t let others in on that little secret, like this is something to be ashamed of.” He runs a hand over his face in frustration, before shaking his head and turning towards the door of her apartment. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do this tonight. I’ll call you later.” His hand is on the knob when he turns back for the last word. “Think about what you really want from this, Emma, because I won’t drag you into something you’re not 100% on board with.”

And then he leaves Emma to sort out the pain currently coursing through her chest.

I’ll never say that I’ll never love

But I don’t say a lot of things

(and you my love are gone)

Emma knows that she can’t fix herself overnight, can’t suddenly push past all the emotional scarring that’s caused all this blasted hesitance. But what she can do is try harder to show Killian how she feels, even if she can’t say the words yet.

With that in mind, she sits down to write another song, one whose words have just started popping into her head. The Lost Girls are planning to do a short surprise set at the Jolly Roger three weeks from now - maybe this can be added to the set list, this song just for Killian.

———

It’ll take more than just a breeze to make me…

Fall overboard just so you can catch me

“Writing me another love song, Swan?” Killian asks cheekily from where he leans in the doorway.

“You say that like you’ve been deprived,” Emma dryly shoots back. “And I know for a fact that’s not true.”

“Ah, well, a man can dream,” he teases, crossing the room to embrace Emma from behind, chin coming to rest on her head. “In all seriousness, what are you working on there?”

“Something for Ruby.”

Killian snorts at that pronouncement. “Oh, that seems premature. We just introduced her to Graham a few weeks ago, love.”

“Yeah, but I’ve got a feeling,” Emma insists. “They really hit it off the other week, and they both seemed smitten.”

“Are you sure you’re alright, Emma? Or is this some kind of body swap with your sister-in-law?” her husband teases, jokingly feeling her forehead for a fever. “Quick, tell me something only Emma would know!”

“Very funny,” Emma deadpans. “Just you wait, I’ll be singing this at their reception one day.”

“Whatever you say, my love,” he placates, dropping a kiss to the crown of her head before tilting his own in curiosity. “I don’t think I’ve seen the hatbox in a good long while,” he observes.

“Haven’t needed it lately,” she shoots right back. “What can I say, I’m becoming more emotionally healthy, or something.” It’s a quip, for certain, but there’s a certain amount of truth to it; Emma hasn’t had to turn to the hatbox and pouring her emotions out into words no one will ever read because she has Killian instead, who’s always there to listen when she’s sad or frustrated. She likes to think she offers him the same in return.

“I don’t think you were ever so bad as you make it sound,” Killian says, trying to temper her words, “but I’m glad to hear that you don’t need to depend on that outlet so much anymore.”

“Only because of you, babe,” Emma replies cheekily, meaning every word despite her teasing tone.

Killian snorts a laugh all the same, before craning around to drop a smacking kiss on her lips. “You’ll have to write me a song to prove it!” he calls over his shoulder as he wanders back out into the living room.

And who knows? Maybe she just might.

And I never thought I’d be the type to fall, to fall…

#my writing #cs ff #Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? #Maybe I Won't Die Alone #rockstar!Emma verse #rockstar!Emma #bartender!killian

[actualbird]

it’s been AGES since ive made a fic rec list because this semester kicked me in the ass and i wasnt able to read much, but still!! here are a few incredible fics you should totally check out!!! (previous fic rec lists | bmc fic rec page)

meek shall inherit by yellow_caballero

Michael wasn’t stalking the hottest, douchiest new transfer student Jeremy Heere. He was just investigating Jeremy’s possible connection to an overarching conspiracy that encompassed the entire city and made nerds into picture perfect people. He was just keeping an eye on Jeremy’s psychopathic best buddy Rich Goranksi, who always seemed to be talking in code - and asking for help. And he was just teaming up with the school resident theater geek in a covert operation to uncover the mystery of if any of the popular kids had a soul at all.

Maybe he was just trying to figure out why Jeremy Heere looked so sad all the time. And maybe the answer would be far more complicated than he could have ever imagined.

GODDDDDDD i literally just read this fic this afternoon and i am so hooked i am SO HOOKED. if this summary somehow doesnt intrigue you, i assure you the first scene will. this fic is phenomenal with its writing style, pacing, internal monolog, dialog, characterization, humor, and it has a ridiculously riveting plot as well, all on only the first chapter thats sixteen thousand words long, holy FUCK. just please PLEASE read this fic so you can suffer with me in waiting patiently for the next update. it’s SO GOOD.

Stammer by Beth Harker

Twelve years of friendship and beyond, examined with a strong focus on how Jeremy talks.

ohhhhhhh gosh this fic is, in my opinion, one of the most ambitious and interesting fics that exists in the tag right now. it’s a looooong fic starting from pre-canon to canon to post canon and it’s very VERY well written with kickass pov and characterization but REALLY what excites me the most about this fic (aside from the yknow fantastic writing) is when it gets experimental. varying chapter lengths, links to other fics, images, a link to a tumblr (which i think is the most in character tumblr ever MADE), and just SO MUCH MORE. it takes full advantage of like, fic as a medium to tell a story and it’s AMAZING. i shit you not when i say this fic is like none other. seriously. read it. 

across the river, into the sea by DivineProjectZero

The truth is, you will pay the price whether you look back or not.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. heed the Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings tag but if youre brave enough to take the plunge, you will not regret it. this fic was a halloween fic and i wont spoil anything (because really experiencing it for itself is what makes this thing so fucking good), but jenny does a wonderful, gorgeous job at stringing this piece together, giving out each part of the story bit by bit, revealing the whole thing. READ IT!!!

Restoration, Reparation by DivineProjectZero

“We’re not adopting this cat,” Brooke tells Michael firmly.

(in which Michael is a dog, Jeremy is a cat, and neither of them are the protagonist.)

THIS FIC MAKES ME CRY BUT THE GOOD KIND OF CRY GODDDDD. the summary says it all and you just really need to read it. michael and jeremy are animals but theyre still inexplicably in character. the human characters in this fic are so real and detailed and done SO WELL. this fic is totally fluff but it’s also something thatll dig deeper into your chest and maybe itll hurt, but itll be a good kind of hurt. this fic is one i love to read on bad days and i really think you’ll love it too. blease. read this. it’s self care.

Hello Mellow by m_number24

Jeremy’s favorite band just announced they would go on a break.

Also, there’s this new kid in school.

shfjksdhkfjds this fic!!! is so cute and so heartwarming and it’s just SO MUCH FUN!!! it does a really great fucking job at taking you along the ride of jeremy’s Big Damn Feelings. this fic had me nearly screeching into a pillow at many points and it’s just a joy to read. 

thats all ive got for now. happy reading!!!! dont forget to leave kudos and comments on fics you enjoyed!!! shower fic authors with love yo!!!!

#bmc #bmc fic rec #aaaaaaa i havent been reading much lately but god these fics are. phenomenal #long post

[redefinethegrind]

The Truth in Communication

Truth is something that many people value highly. That being said all of us lie. Where then lies the truth? Strange phrasing, I know. I was always good with puns.

I have spent much of my lifetime manipulating relationships. I can’t say that I have had many, but the ones I have had I made sure to be in control of, otherwise I was uncomfortable. I only now realize this as a 34-year-old man. I didn’t set out to intentionally live life this way nor did I give much conscious thought to the processes which I used to live my day to day life. In hindsight, however, it is obvious that my personality was formed around this course of action: manipulation. This was the only way I could feel in control when life was otherwise chaotic.

I first realized something was drastically different about a year ago. That would have been January of 2018. I was beginning to get my life on track with what I assumed would be the healthiest trajectory for me. I had stopped drinking for about a month and had begun researching yoga and Eastern philosophy. Twelve calendar months ago… it feels like forever. I can still see myself walking up the driveway in third person on my Iphone. It was a year ago that everything began to change rapidly. I had just answered a call from my Dad.

That was when I was informed that one of my patients passed away. This wasn’t just a patient, she was family. She was a friend. I had just seen her. I had just texted her. I had sat in my basement reading Albert Camus and texting my patient just the day before. “Have a nice weekend…” and that was the last text she would send me. My next interaction concerning her would be with her confused family members trying to explain how she went from alive to… well… dead.

I don’t know what happened that week. I ordered everything I thought I should as far as diagnostics and medications are concerned. I called everyone I thought I should and sent the appropriate referrals. I texted my patient which I thought was above and beyond… and still… I lost her. I wasn’t God. I wasn’t even close. I was just a guy with a pad of paper labeled ‘prescriptions.’ It was that very moment… “Diane is dead”… my life completely changed.

See just a few days prior to Diane passing I had a dream about her. It was a daydream actually. It took over my thoughts as I sat on the couch trying to watch television. Suddenly I knew Diane would die and I could not save her. It broke my heart, but I knew it. A tear silently fell from my right eye. Then, of course, it came true within 48 hours. This was the first time I thought precognition could be real. I mean this was the first time I really believed it was truly possible.

About a month before that on a restless evening I was up late; I was stressed out and woozy. There was a snap in my head as I sat with my thumbs pressing my temples. CRUNCH. Suddenly I was receiving messages from the future and able to look into my Great Dane’s eyes and understand what he was thinking. I mean really communicate with him. Television series had deeper meanings to me and all of the dots were connecting. I was able to understand the concept of inflation in cosmology. It all clicked at once. I began noticing many synchronicities in my environment. I began playing detective and trying to find the deeper meaning in my life.

Once everything began clicking I started to sense the correct path in life for the first time. I started traveling down that path. I was excited to go to work. My performance at work improved greatly. I was happier than I could ever remember. My marriage was flourishing as I had stopped spending all of my time alone and drunk… now I was doing yoga and meal prepping with my wife. We were loving on our two dogs all day when we weren’t saving the day for other people at work.

Everything seemed perfect. Even though I had rightly predicted the death of a loved one, I knew that my gift could be used to save the world. I was connecting with the universe and growing. I was living the life I had always wanted. I was deeply intertwined with this reality.

Then somehow, as people like myself tend to, I pushed it too far. Instead of continuing at the same dose or tapering off of the antidepressant I was using I increased the dose. I wanted more. I was beginning to become manic. Suddenly not only was I seeing all of the connections in life that I was supposed to make… I was making connections from anything to everything. I was losing my mind. To ask me, I felt phenomenal. I was manic, of course, I did.

Weeks flew by and I was making decisions more impulsively and beginning to act more erratic at times. Co-workers noticed but did not know what to do or say so to speak. My patients as well as my co-workers were asking me to take time off of work. I was going to keep grinding away. I saw no other way to live life. I kept pushing myself to help more people. After all, I was sleeping about 8 hours a night and I was exercising regularly. I was fine… or so I believed.

Everything culminated in a crash one evening after work and I was admitted to a psychiatric ward soon after. I was annoyed and irate at first. I was angry at my wife and family. I felt betrayed. My mental illness did not allow me to see anything clearly. I had all of the information in front of me and made decisions yes, but they were not in character for me. Somewhere along the way I had crossed the line from reality to insanity. In doing so I didn’t even notice.

That is the scary part about mental illness. Reality is subjective. I believed certain delusions. Even now I can’t tell you where I went wrong. In the very least believe I ascribed more importance to certain mundane aspects of my life than they should have been given. That being said, looking back I don’t know if I should regret it or not. My life is now very different though.

I certainly made an abrupt change in my life when it is undoubtable about half over. Everything I was building was suddenly being torn down. All of the relationships I had developed were receiving stress from different angles. I lost people I thought were life-long friends. I pushed away my very best friend, and this time there was no reconciling it. Financially I was ruined completely. My productivity came to an abrupt halt. I forgot what I was focused on. I hit a brick wall.

Truth, that is what I began to talk about in this musing. What is truth? Truth is what we believe whole-heartedly to be the actual nature of a thing or event. I am Caucasian. That is true. At least as far as I know. See, when I communicated with people before all of the excitement, I didn’t always communicate in truths. I basically steered relationships by saying whatever I needed to say to get a desired outcome. I’m not sure how common that is amongst other people and I venture to say not many people would admit that they operate that way. I admit that I used to.

Now I tend to be more truthful because people expect it from one adult to another. They want to feel respected and loved and view someone being honest with them to be someone who respects them and cares about them. That is why I have chosen to change my way of living. I also respect others enough to know that they have a say in this reality too. It’s not just me pulling strings and assuming that I know what is best when guiding our relationships. This is a team effort. That was difficult for me to learn.

I have learned so much in the past few months. I am thankful for every lesson I get in this school of life. I know that many of the lessons I have received were painful, but I assume that they are for the best. Although I have no evidence to present to any of you that it is true, I believe that my life has a purpose. I can’t promise you it isn’t mental illness telling me this, but I do believe that my life is meaningful and that I am here on Earth to learn. It is a feeling that I can’t unfeel.

That being said, I know I have done some damage to other sentient beings in my travels. For that I am most remorseful, and I do regret my actions. I truly do. Where I used to lay awake at night wondering “why me?” when looking into my past, I now lay awake and wonder “why did I act that way?” I have learned and grown. I am no longer the selfish person I was in my twenties.

I know I can never convince someone of that who is holding a true grudge with me, but let me assure you, I have learned and grown from my time here in this elaborate school. In searching for answers, I have felt emotions again that I never thought I would feel. I have rediscovered deep empathy and the ability to truly bond with others. I have stopped focusing on negativity and have clung to hope and faith.

For those of you who were hurt by me, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry if you feel it is too late to mend your relationship with me, but please know that I love you and want what is best for you. All of you. I want that for every single person. I am sorry I previously led a life of taking and that I was not more generous. I truly wish I could have been there for you when you needed me. All of you. Also, please know that if having me out of your life is best for you, I understand it and I respect your decision and I don’t love you any less for making it. Respect, love, and trust must be earned, and in many of my relationships I did not earn those things. I can’t expect people to just give them to me.

So, if you have taken the time to read my writing just know that I love you. I’m not sure if that is much, but it is something. The other thing I can offer you is the advice to look deep in yourself to find answers. Please know that you are a being of love and that you can change this world. Please use your energy to spread love and joy to your fellow man and other beings of this planet. Please use your talents for the better.

I’m just one man and I have made many mistakes in my life. I know that. But I am here for you if you need anything. Please reach out. I will try to help if I can. I owe you all that much. I thank you for everyone I have crossed paths with. In one way or another you have helped me to gain the understanding that I have today. I hope to continue to learn and grow while here and I hope that I can spread love and knowledge along the way.

#truth #bpd #borderline personality disorder #Borderline #bipolar disorder #depression #mental illness #love #wisdom #new age #prayer #consciousness #forgive and forget