#also if my mom could stop doing ***** and lying about it and guilting me into giving her money that would be like super fuckin dope !

[hellfireeddiemunson]

tension in my house is so high all of the time and i want to rip off all of my skin

#i can’t even think of how to tag this i want to rant but i don’t even know how to 😐😐 #i just want PEACE !!!!!!!!!! and good vibes!!!!!!! i am TIRED of everyone being fucking awful #everyone’s so mean to and about each other and i’m just done with it all i just DINT CARE !!!!!!!!!!!!! #everyone learn to be adults and stop being fucking STUPID ugh #like why are my mom and aunt beefing and why does anyone talk about anything in front of my dad bc he just says stupid shit and doesn’t know #what he’s even talking about and then i have to hear everyone yell complain about whatever and i’m just TIRED. #also if my mom could stop doing ***** and lying about it and guilting me into giving her money that would be like super fuckin dope ! #anyways i’m overstimulated i don’t wanna deal with anything. i’m going to look at the abby tag probably and hopefully feel normal 🫶🏻

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for lying to get my girlfriend’s mom’s blood?

So my (27M) girlfriend “Anna” (30F) has a really rare blood type- not saying it for privacy reasons (if I said it’d be really easy to track us down.) Her mum has compatible blood: Mum can give to Anna.

Mum’s been really terrible to Anna: generally cruel, etc, but in particular, Mum disapproves of Anna getting “frivolous” medical care- anything non-life-saving. My girlfriend needs frequent medical appointments to manage her chronic conditions, but Mum tells her to tough it out, she shouldn’t take the needless risk, etc. This has led to some permanent and preventable worsening in Anna’s condition.

Anna still tries to stay in touch with her Mum, but has told me several times that it’s “because she has no-one else”. After phone calls with Mum, Anna’s visibly upset, etc. I’ve tried to tell Anna that she should just stop talking to Mum, but she feels responsible for Mum. (Mum also has some mental health issues.)

A bunch of medical appointments later, Anna finds out she needs a blood transfusion. As aforementioned, Mum could be a donor. There aren’t really any other possible donors.

I know Mum won’t give Anna blood; this is non-immediately-fatal. I work at a local theater, so I get a bunch of my friends from there (some of whom are also Anna’s friends) and ask them to help me get blood for Anna.

Some friends help put together the scheme: we go to Mum, tell her Anna’s in a car crash and needs blood right away, and prep her so the doctor’s actual words don’t tip her off (to some extent, playing on her paranoia).

It works. I haven’t told Anna about my doing it; she already feels terrible about ‘imposing a burden” on Mum, and it definitely isn’t her fault that I did the scheme.

I’d do it again in a heartbeat, but one friend came up to me and told me they had regrets. “We exploited a vulnerable woman,” they said. I think Anna deserves to get this from her Mum; Mum’s a bad person and lying was the only way to get the blood.

But here I am, so I guess I’m feeling some guilt. AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole #this feels like a book i haven't read so if it is #let me know?

[thesirencult]

YOU NEED PEOPLE LIKE ME / DARK PSYCHOLOGY

You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your f*****’ fingers and say, “That’s the bad guy.” So what that make you? Good? You’re not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie.

(Tony Montana, Scarface)

Most people can not handle their darker side. They can not handle their ego and their deepest desires. Now, I'm not telling you to become like Tony Montana. He was consumed by his vices and they run the show for him. I'm telling you to do what you what to do and to stop lying to yourself and hiding from your true nature.

A couple of years ago, I met a girl who had an obsession with finding a wealthy man. She did not care about anything else other than the money. In her defense, she grew up in a poor family where, her dad beat her mom up and he even did that while her mom was pregnant with her.

That girl was studying finance. She took up Arabic and wanted to work for off shore companies where she could find a husband. She specifically told me she wanted her husband to drive a Porsche which has more prestige than a BMW and buy her a BMW cause the woman should be beneath her husband. Overall she was "micey" in character. If you didn't know her you would think she was shy and religious, but. you should know better guys, these people have more ego problems than the most outspoken, egomaniac extrovert.

So, she looked "weak" but had an agenda. She also was trying to give off the "trad wife" vibe but salivated as soon as a man breathed her direction and shamed any woman who showcased her seductiveness.

A few days ago, she messaged me. She wanted to grab a coffee with me as she would be in town. I was surprised when I saw her. In the "kindest" way I can put it, she looked like women who run on every single rally around and fight for justice (nothing wrong with taht, but if you're following me I bet you get what I'm trying to convey). A white girl with Bob Marley braids! Yup, there it is!

She told me she had given up Arabic and no longer wanted to work in a big shipping corporation because that supported big oil and their agenda. She then preached to me about equality and why the left is supreme. Now, I'm pretty straightforward so I asked her, how and why her views changed. She wanted to own 3 cars and be a stay at home mom! She looked outside the window of the coffee shop and saw my parked car.

"Do you see this car?"

I said "Yeah, I see it."

"Whoever drives this car is a right wing egomaniac who doesn't care about the environment and just wants to flaunt their money." (my car is a hybrid you guys!)

"Do you drive?"

"No, I can not afford a license and my family owns only one car. Also, I'm scared of driving. Also, did I tell you I'm running on the elections with the *left wing side*. Will you vote for me? If I make it I'll get 2k per month plus health care benefits."

"That's my car. I was going to ask you, do you want to take the train home or will you ride with me?" I just wanted this meeting to bo over, to tell you the truth.

She came with me.

Wanna know why? Here is my hypothesis (and it ties in with Tony Montana's words):

99% of people give up on their dreams by age 23. In order to make it easier for them and help them soothe the guilt this breeds, they begin to drift to the opposite "side" of the court. Pornstars turn to trad wives. Playboys turn to "faithful" husbands who preach the word of the Lord. Money and power hungry individuals take up boring jobs and blame the rich and the goverment for everything. Men who can not pick up women turn to red pill guys and so on and so forth.

Most people can not handle their darker side. They can not handle their ego and their deepest desires. Now, I'm not telling you to become like Tony Montana, he was consumed by his vices and that's who runs the show. Either you run the show or someone else or something (an addiction) runs it for you.

We see all that often with sex. Body counts, "I can not find a good man/woman" etc. People who can not get what they want hate those that have the GUTS to get it.

If my acquaintance's beliefs are that strong why did she enjoy the drive in the luxury SUV? Why did she then ask me when are we going out again and if I can bring "that" guy friend who runs a tech start up?

Because they are not her beliefs. They are just a cover up. A mask.

We've all seen how happy some people get when a dreamer fails.

So, go one. Fail. You''ll succeed at some point. You're better than those who sit on the sidelines running their mouth.

They would want to be at your shoes. They would want to run free on the court.

Own that. Own yourself and run after your goals and desires. Fuck them.

#level up journey #self education #seduction #self love #philosophy #psychology #dark psychology #48 laws of power #robert greene #dark femininity #dark feminine aesthetic #dark feminine energy #femme fatale #personal growth #source: thesirencult #source:thesirencult

[jackharloww]

"through thick and thin” 

TW: depressive thoughts, anxiety. 

The first weeks after giving birth to Gracie were hard; having a newborn baby was not easy. The sadness and emptiness I felt every day only complicated everything. The first days I was so excited about it all, but then came the nervousness of being a mom, and with that followed the anxiety. I thought it was baby blues and would go away after a week, but with Grace’s colic and all the hormone changes my body underwent, the feelings stayed longer than I would’ve wanted. 

Grace cries a lot, and it’s been going on for two weeks. once she starts crying, it takes hours before she stops. Jack and I talked to the doctor, who informed us that it was colic and common during the first six weeks. It would go away on its own eventually, but we couldn’t do anything to make her stop crying other than comfort her. Constant crying and not knowing what to do took a toll on Jack and me. 

I feel sad, and I’m always overwhelmed these days. Guilt is consuming me for feeling this way.  I have every reason to be happy. I have a beautiful little baby girl, and my husband, who loves us unconditionally, is amazing; I have the family I’ve always wanted, so why am I feeling this way? What is wrong with me? I can’t control my emotions even though I try my hardest. These past few weeks, I’ve woken up feeling anxious and irritated, and not only does it affect me but also Jack. He has to deal with Grace crying as well as my daily mood swings and frustration.

Jack tries to help as much as possible. He took some time off work after Grace’s birth and stayed home to be there for us. Even Jack has noticed that I’m not feeling like myself, but he doesn’t pressure me to talk about it. He asks me daily if I’m okay, and when I nod and tell him that I am, he smiles at me, not really believing me. He has noticed the change in me, but he always proceeds to tell me that he’s here for me and tells me to relax more. But how do I tell him that even getting up from bed is starting to feel like a task these days? How do I tell him that the only reason I keep going is for our little girl?  Every time I get out of bed, it feels like I have a heavy weighted blanket on top of me, and the feeling is not going away. 

Today though, Jack had to go to the studio to work on some things; the studio was only 10 minutes away by car, so he assured me he would come home immediately if I needed him to. 

Right now I’m in Grace’s nursery with her in my arms. She’s looking for my breast, indicating that she is hungry, so I sit down in the chair we have in the nursery and lift my shirt to feed her. She latches on to my breast and starts to eat. I rubbed her pretty, chubby cheeks and sat comfortably on the chair. After burping her, she was lying in my arms, looking at me, making small sounds. I’m watching her in my arms, and I’m filled with so much love for her. I love this little creature and I’m going to guard her with my life. Only a few minutes after having a moment with her, my mind got once again filled with intrusive thoughts. Am I taking care of her well enough? Is she eating well? Is she getting a good amount of sleep? Does she feel loved? All the different questions are rushing through my head, and I can’t seem to stop them. She finally falls asleep and I put her in her crib, before going out to the kitchen to do some cleaning.  

Jack messaged me throughout the day asking how everything is going, and now after a few hours of being away, he is calling me on FaceTime. 

”Hey baby, how is it going?” He smiled big at the phone when I answered

”Hi, fine” I gave him a small smile, my hair was a mess, and I was wearing one of his shirts, which was now stained with milk leaking from my nipples. The dark circles under my eyes could be spotted from miles away, but he still managed to look at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. 

”Where’s my Gracie baby?” He asked 

”She just went for a nap” I sighed and rubbed my eyes. 

”You should take a nap too. I was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight,” He told me, making me stare into the phone, not knowing what to answer him. It has been five weeks since I gave birth, and we’ve mostly stayed at home. I was overwhelmed and did not feel like dressing up and going out, but I didn’t know if Jack would understand. 

”Hey, what do you say? You got real quiet on me there” He chuckled through the phone. 

”Uhm, I don’t really feel like going out.” I mumbled. 

”Okay babe, I can grab some takeaway and we can have a movie night” Jack answered as he started playing with his beard. 

”Sounds good. How is it going at the studio?” I ask him 

”It feels good to be back, you should hear the beat we are working on, it’s amazing,” Jack said with a big smile, happy to be back. Just as I was about to answer him, Grace’s cries could be heard from the nursery. 

”Jack I’ll call you back soon, She just woke up. Love you” I let out a big sigh as we hang up and go to Grace’s nursery to pick her up.  

”Shh baby, mommy is here” I held Grace in my arms, rocking her gently. Her small cries only got more and louder, and I’m trying everything to get her to stop crying or at least calm down a little, but nothing is working. Why can’t I comfort her? What is wrong with me? With every sob she lets out, the lump in my throat grows as the overwhelming feelings engulf me. The feeling of sadness is again there, and my eyes get filled with tears that I cannot stop from falling. The weight in my chest gets heavier with every sob that I let out. After trying to get her to stop crying for about 20 minutes, I grab my phone and call Jack, he answers after the second ring. 

“Please come home, I need you” I sobbed into the phone as soon as he picked up. Without any hesitation, Jack got up from the studio. Almost 15 minutes after I called, Jack came home and walked straight to the nursery where Grace’s cries could be heard. 

”Jack, What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make her stop?” I sob as soon as I lock eyes with him. I try to take deep breaths to calm down, but I only seem to be crying more and breathing faster. Jack comes closer to us and puts one of his arms around me, kissing my head. 

”Hey hey hey, come on. It’s going to be okay, we got this” He said and pressed another kiss to my head before trying to wipe away my tears with his thumbs.  

”Go sit down for a while ma’, I’ll handle it” He grabs Grace from my arms and I feel exhausted. What kind of mother am I that I can’t even comfort my child, and get her to stop crying.

”Hey my Gracie baby, daddy missed you so much, yes he did,” He cooed and kissed her tiny hands, pulling her closer to his chest, whilst she continued to cry out. 

”Everything is going to be alright darling, shhh” He started rocking her. 

”Hush little baby don’t say a word, daddy’s gonna buy you a mockingbird” I heard Jack sing as I walked out of the room to go into the shower, needing to calm myself.

Jack stood in the same spot, watching me go. Jack and I have always been good at communicating and talking with each other when something is wrong. The problem is, I don’t know what’s wrong, so if I don’t, how would he? 

Hastily, I took my clothes off before stepping into the shower, letting the warm water release some of the tension in my back. I slid down the shower wall, using it as support as I sat on the floor, letting my thoughts consume me as tears streamed down my face. At some point, I couldn’t hear any cries, which made me somehow relieved, yet the pain in my chest didn’t fade. My eyes caught a glimpse of Jack’s feet making their way towards me, not even hearing the bathroom door open. 

”Oh baby,” Jack came in, immediately shut the water, and helped me stand up. I couldn’t say anything; I could only cry. He grabbed a towel and helped me get into it. 

”I can’t do it anymore,” I sobbed in his arms as he held me closer to him. 

”I’m overwhelmed, Jack,” I let out another big sob. ”I can’t do this,” this time, I didn’t have the energy to hold back from him. At this moment I’m mostly grasping for air and sobbing into his chest. 

Jack pulled me off him for a second and held my face in his hand, making me look at him

”I’m here, look at me. I’m here for you, you’re not alone” he said and wiped my tears, and brought me closer to him once more. 

”What kind of mother can’t get her child to stop crying?” I asked him, the tears not once stopping from falling. 

”Hey don’t say that. This is not your fault” 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I want it to get easier,” I cried to Jack, holding onto his shirt. He didn’t say anything. He only rubbed my back and kissed my head, calming me down. 

”Come on, let’s get you dressed,” He said after a few minutes. We walked out to our bedroom, and I sat on our bed. He brought out one of his hoodies and a pair of sweatpants. He helped me get dressed, seeing I didn’t even have the energy to do that. 

”Come here” He grabbed my hand and walked me out to the living room, we sat down on the couch, and he gently rubbed my hand. 

”I’m here for you. You have a husband who loves you and a beautiful daughter who loves you more than life itself. And we want you to be happy.” He finally said, ”I don’t understand what it is that you’re feeling, but I’m here for you. Let us try to understand together” He still tried to wipe the tears from my cheeks and kissed me gently. 

”I’m sorry,” I whispered. 

”What are you sorry about? Stop it. it’s okay not to feel okay” 

”I’m sorry you had to come home from the studio, and that I put all this weight on you,” I said feeling remorseful. 

”Stop that, I don’t give a fuck about that right now. You’re my wife and you need me to be here for you, and right here is where I want to be. We got this together. I’m with you through thick and thin.” 

—————

It took some time for me to write this, I wrote and deleted a lot. And my bestie also helped me!! So I hope you like it🥺❤️

#jack fic #jack harlow #jackharlow #jack x reader #jack harlow imagine #jackman thomas harlow #jack harlow story #harlow #jack harlow stories #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow x you #jack harlow x y/n #postpartum #jack harlow concepts

[squishyimps]

⚠️!!TRAUMA POST!!⚠️

TW: S/A, neglect, mommy issues, trust issues, etc.

(This is really just my last resort to getting all this shit off my chest. Also this will mention my deadname so yeah)

So when I was 8, my mom met this guy named Josh, he was okay. He tried to be like the dad I wish I could’ve had, but one night, he snuck into my room and locked my door. Then he told me I was dreaming and for me to put my face in my pillow, so I did, then I felt my pants going down and something rubbing against my… “tunnel.” I asked him what he was doing and he told me not to worry about it and to keep my face in my pillow, or he’d make me keep it there. I got scared and put my head back in my pillow and he put his hand on my back, gripping my pajamas. After what I could only assume was half an hour or so, he left. I told my mom about it but she didn’t believe me, not only that, but she guilt tripped me into talking about it with him. He started crying and saying stuff like “I’d never do such a thing” and “I see you as my own daughter, Emery” and so on and so forth. My grandma and aunt Lys believed me though, so I’m grateful for that.

The S/A went on for four years (it stopped when I was 11) the last time he did it was when his 5 year old son was visiting. He had him stay in my room while he took me to his and my mom’s room, sitting me in his gaming chair and wrapping my mom’s bandanna around my eyes, he told me we were gonna do a taste testing thing, he said he didn’t have a spoon though so he’d have to use his finger. He told me to get all the peanut butter or whatever it was on his finger off it. It was normal til the last time, he put, what I can only assume, was his dick in my mouth which obviously caused me to choke and pull away. I went to take the bandanna off and he told me to wait, I heard a zipper and then he said I could take it off. He asked if I was okay and I started crying a little and asking “What was that-?” He reassured me that it was just his finger (but I didn’t feel any nail SIR.😒) A few weeks later and he was put in jail for selling edibles at home or something.

After he was put in jail my mom was like “Well, now I hope you’re happy. Now your brother doesn’t have a dad to look up to! Does that seem fair to you, Emery?” As if all he did wasn’t just leaving my little brother in my room to watch TV and leaving me to take care of him while he just sat in his room playing video games. My mom has been a big fear of mine since I was 6, she has rarely been a good mother to me , or to anyone for that matter. Because the moment I was born, she left me to be my grandparents responsibility just so she didn’t have to worry about me. Even now she still expects my trauma to have just *POOF* vanished! As if that’s how it works.

And just a couple hours ago, her and ex boyfriend number 13 (yes, I keep count) got into a pretty heated argument and broke up. And because I’m emotional and a fucking crybaby, I obviously started crying in my closet, so I called my best friend and drew some quote art. But seriously, trauma doesn’t just resolve itself if the problem is away from the victim/victims. It takes time and effort to help the person get better and find a good coping mechanism for it (like therapy, drawing, writing, crocheting, writing, reading, etc.).

If any of you, a friend or a family member have gone through S/A or anything like that I am so, so, so sorry that happened and I hope you’re healing well.

#squishy rants #non tickles #trauma dump #rant #vent (???)

[itsaspectrumcomic]

This is going to be long but i really want to tell someone the guilt is eating me alive and please feel free to ignore this

I have been suspecting I have adhd from the last six months now because many symptoms do match and some adhd tips help me out a lot

But since i don't have the family or support or finances(I am a minor ) to actually get to a doctor i can't really be sure and maybe i don't have it but since so many things do match i hope it's alright to rant here please please feel free to ignore this

My great grandfather passed away in November but it actually started in September when I got a fracture so I had to remain at home for a month and I am just a lazy person so ofc it was an excuse for me to like stop studying in August I had a big exam and it had went well but at that time i didn't think so

So yeah after a month of fracture comes October my extra classes and school and my innate phone addiction i do t study even tho I have a big exam that month again . I struggle with focus a lot and i just i don't know how to type it's it's so shameful but i just find every minor inconvenience to be an excuse. My mom is emotionally abusive maybeand homophobic or tough parenting but her words had started affecting me a lot .

Then in October end November start my grandfather passed away and it took an obvious toll on me and I don't think I am still over it and it amplified my phone addiction because he used to be in the room beside me so i wasn't ever fully alone even tho he was old and now that he is gone the silence is unnerving and i have to distract myself enough to sleep my October big exam already went to shit

And in December again I am not studying I can't study and my brain refuses to sit still and maybe I have a victim complex but things start to take a toll I start getting some suicidal thoughts which were only passive before but now active

Now from January everything is just the same I am still not able to study

I disappoint myse6and everyone no-one knows i cheat on my exams I just I am not a good person and i am lying to myself and everyone so much and YK the gifted kid thjnv I was a good kid and my mom keeps making comparisons and she says she would never have talked to me if i wasn't her daughter and i am so tired I want to get better but i just don't know how I have trouble sleeping I have trouble studying I can't do anything right i can't wake up in the morning i can't do anything right and I just want everything to end but I do not even deserve to put that pain on my parents and my exams are coming up and I just don't know how how do I do anything

Hello, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. It sounds like you are and have been going through a lot and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Having trouble focusing or studying does not make you a bad person, and your mum absolutely should not be saying those things to you. You don't deserve that, I promise.

The truth is, losing a family member is hard, dealing with an injury is hard, dealing with emotional abuse is hard, and it takes time to work through things like that, so I'm not surprised you've been having a hard time with school on top of everything else.

It sounds like you could really do with some support. Is there someone you can talk to about how you've been feeling? A friend, a teacher, a counsellor, another authority figure you trust?

(Also if you talk to your teachers about how you're struggling to study, they might even be able to give you some extra help or lessons if you need it.)

Please try not to feel guilty or put so much pressure on yourself. It's ok not to be perfect even at the best of times. Thank you for being here ❤️

#ask #anon ask #adhd #exams #advice #tw depression #tw suicide mention #long post

[millenniumfae]

Dragon Age Demons vs Real-Life 'Inner Demons'

Way back in the summer of 2015, my symptoms got so unbearable I was bedridden. 20 years old and experiencing psychosis, quasi-hallucinations, and actual, unending panic for the first time. It marked the start of a condition that has never stopped since.

My aunt (and other relatives) helped me develop proper mindfulness skills based off of our homeland's folk Buddhism - the 'second arrow'. The meaningless of forgiveness. Devaluing control. And something that struck me as a new Dragon Age fan … 'Possession'.

Well, when translated to english, you'll find texts using the word 'insight' rather than 'possession'. But that's the word my mom translated from off the top of her head, and it immediately resonated with me.

"Imagine your panic as an inner creature. Something that is also you, but is acting independently. Treat your panic with kindness and mentorship, not antagonism. The more you struggle in the spider's web, the worse things get. But if you nourish what's hurting in you, let them tantrum, then come back in to nurture."

Up until the 2010s, the most acclaimed mental health books you could buy written in the english language would most certainly be christianity-influenced. Maybe not overtly, (but you'd be surprised how many have a chapter about "insert-book-topic-here and Christ") but there's little hints like how the reader must have left home at 18 to avoid mooching off their parents, or how to 'turn guilt into something productive' (???), the use of the word 'gamble' as a bad word, etc. But these books tend to include a chapter that would be some weird bullshit like "The Dark Souls Of Respawning?? What Daoism Says About Immortality" and take a brief moment to talk about the radical, never-before-heard-of methods from across the pacific that Will Turn Your World Upside Down.

Behavior therapists (of the 1950s) were aware insights about the origins of the problem usually weren't helpful. Exposure to the thing the patient feared was often curative. -When Panic Attacks by David D. Burns MD, Chapter 18, "Taking a page from the Tibetan Book of the Dead"

Now, it's no secret that the Dragon Age serial is very. Um. Christian. Catholic, specifically. Faith is written to be an unequivocally redeeming trait. Attempts at inventing fake elf/qunari/Tevinter 'religions' still have them be belief-based, colonialist, and conversion-heavy, while also at the same time implying that the 'Maker' of Chantry faith is the single actual true god.

So it's no surprise that the demons and spirits of DA are very seven-deadly-sins. Party banter and side-quests do point out the euro/christian-centricity of this demon categorization (Merrill, Solas), but that doesn't mean shit if, in overall story and gameplay proper, Pride is the most powerful demon while Faith is virtue at all.

So here I am, lying in bed and only capable of just riding the waves of panic day after torturous day. You bet I'm gonna try to geek-erize my symptoms. If people do it with Jesus, then I can do it with Dragon Age.

Enter Vigilance the Spirit. I was an at-risk young Rivani mage, so their Magic Welfare Government helped me join their クサビ-依り代 program and matched me with a spirit to induce possession. Can't boil two skulls in one pot, so to speak. I could have chosen to do their hemispherectomy program (I am made Tranquil but carry around a piece of the Fade like a pacemaker that keeps me perfectly lucid, only turning off when I sleep), but that comes with its own risks.

But it doesn't take much for a spirit of Vigilance to do a 180 and become Panic. They're still Vigilance, and I am still me, but the taste in the mouth is different. Our life will need to adapt.

I will not kick myself for 'failing' my friend. Vigilance has turned to Panic, yes. But they have always been one. Now, so are me and Panic. Such is the nature of spirits.

If I am kind to my spirit, then I am kind to myself. It's what we both deserve.

#dragon age #DAI #DA2 #da:o #da: origins #da:d #dragon age dreadwolf #dragon age discussion #dragon age meta

[kitkatt0430]

Haven't done this in a while, but HOPPY EASTER everyone, here have an Easter gift of villains being villainous in a villains win story.

The obvious solution to save Dante seemed to be to make sure he was sent somewhere far, far away. Which Savitar cheerfully agreed to. “I know a few realities we could drop him off on where he’d be relatively safe. Live out a normal human life, only have to worry about the normal human problems. Cars are dangerous and so is walking down the stairs if you trip. Hell, bad run in with a vacuum cleaner and next thing you know you’re going in for MRIs and knee surgery.” “Do you ever shut up?” Reverb muttered in irritation. If he’d asked Zoom something like that? Vibrating hand through the chest, immediately. Savitar just laughed.

Savitar is a bit of a talkative and sarcastic little shit in this one, but once Reverb gets more comfortable around him the banter will be much more two-sided. (This is totally villain flirting, right?)

But it's not just villains being villainous around here. From the Eobard-is-the-shitty-ex fic for Barry/Cisco/Hartley...

“I let Eobard convince me you were a lying brat and by the time I realized he’d been playing me…” Cisco hesitated. “I’m sorry, Hartley. I should have listened to you.” “And maybe if I hadn’t been an easily flattered idiot, I would have realized what he was really up to and turned him in with proof before things got too far.” Hartley heaved a sigh. “Maybe I could have stopped him before he ever had the chance to hurt either of you.” “Him using you… using all of us… that’s not any of our faults,” Barry said. And, for the first time, he might even believe it.

The only reason Barry can pull out of his own guilt complex? He feels the need to help Cisco and Hartley pull out of theirs. Right now they're sitting outside the building where a long hearing over Eobard's actions just took place and old grievances are being aired and reviewed. So it's been a long, hard day for all three of them, having to give testimony on their relationships with Eobard at some point during the process. But the hearing was entirely off screen, because I didn't want to have to research the actual process of investigating these kinds of allegations. Just move on to these three bonding, shall we?

Tommy is having to deal with a lot of obnoxious Queen family nonsense in the Ep3 rewrite for my Arrow Redux series. Including Oliver teasing him a little over wearing some of his mom's things as a kid. Though, to be fair, there's definitely the impression afterwards that Oliver liked getting to see Tommy in those things...

“We were, what… twelve? Thirteen.” “Ollie, do not.” “And we found your mom’s old stuff in the attic…” Tommy sighed. “I looked good in the tiara and heels, shut up.” Dig chuckled softly. “You must have missed her a lot,” he offered, looking amused by their antics. “I did. I still do. I have most of her things squirreled away in storage, actually,” he said with an amused smile. “And I do still look good in the tiara and heels,” he added with a smirk, just to see how that would get taken.

I've still got about... a third of the episode left to go? And then I can run cleanup on the fic. I'm also using this scene to set up an event taking place between episodes 6 & 7 as I'm trying to use the airdates of episodes as guidelines for approximately when the events within them occur and Tommy is going to be participating in an annual charity auction for an LGBT+ cause. A date auction, of course. ;)

Instead of trying to fit that into an episode rewrite, I'll probably just include it as it's own separate fic between those two rewrites.

#six sentence sunday #the flash #arrow #fanfiction #savitar #reverb #savitar x reverb #barry allen #cisco ramon #hartley rathaway #barry x cisco x hartley #tommy merlyn #oliver queen #john diggle #tommy x oliver

[psychangels]

I have an idea for a fic if you'd want to write it...

Basically, Chai and Peppermint are sharing some guilt over their actions towards each other in the early game.

Pep feels really guilty because she forced Chai into her mission to stop Kale, and now that the adrenaline has worn off, he's paying the price. (Very sore not just from the fighting wounds, but his arm as well.)

Chai feels just as bad because he was nowhere near pleasant towards her, kept throwing wrenches into her plans, generally being annoying, etc.

Hopefully, a talk amongst them can dispel any concerns that they may have over the other hating them.

they're so. y'know?

"Hey...Chai? Can we talk...?" "Uh—sure. What's up?"

"I—" Peppermint stops, sighs, then starts again. "How...how are you holding up?"

"Eh. Could be worse."

She looks away. He tilts his head.

"How are you holding up?" "Me? You're the one that was getting thrown around!"

"It wasn't that bad. You're the one with personal stakes in all this—being family and all that."

"...Yeah. I guess."

Chai's brow furrows. "You haven't answered my question, y'know."

"Oh—I...I'm fine." "You sure?" "Yeah."

It goes quiet for a bit.

Then, Chai says, "Thanks." "For...what?"

"...For, uh...ask—cari—" He stops with a huff. After a beat, he continues. "Putting up with my bullshit."

"Wh—you don't need to thank me for that." "Yeah I do."

"Well—thanks for helping me. With everything. Even though you got hurt, and almost..."

"Died?" "...Yeah." Her reply comes out a whisper. "Well, I didn't. And...it's no biggie. I'd say we're even."

"No biggie...? Even? You risked your life to help me! How are we even?!"

"Like I said, you put up with m...my shit. So. Even." "That's not even close to being even, Chai!" "Sure it is." "In what world?!"

"In this one, where I was a shithead to you because—well—I don't know. But I was a total asshole. And you didn't..." He trails off, his gaze dropping to the floor.

"...Yeah. You were kind of a dick. But I was, too. So we're even."

When Chai grins, she huffs.

"About this specifically. We aren't even when it comes to you helping me."

"Yeah we are." "No! We aren't!" Peppermint shakes her head, a scowl on her face. "Why not?" "Because, Chai! You—you took down all of the department heads—" "We did that together, actually." "—you got rid of Kale, destroyed SPECTRA, found my mom—" "We also did that together." "—and you weren't mad that I...I lied to you." Her voice cracks.

"What?"

"A-About Kale—and Mom. How we're related."

"...I don't understand. You never lied. You just didn't talk about it. That's not lying."

"I—I guess. I still hid it."

"Hey, if I was related to him, I wouldn't wanna tell anyone either. He's a total dickbag. And you couldn't have told me you were related to Roxanne without me knowing it meant you're also related to him."

"...That's true."

They sit in the quiet for a bit.

"This still doesn't make us even," Peppermint says.

Chai sighs. "Look, I won't keep arguing about this, but it totally does. You don't owe me anything. Okay?"

She stares at the floor.

"Okay, Peppermint?"

He sighs when she still doesn't respond.

"...Y'know," he says after another moment of silence, "if you wanna do something for me, I..."

He trails off. Then sighs. When he continues, his voice is quiet.

"A hug would be nice."

Peppermint chuckles, shaking her head. She pulls him into a firm hug.

They stay like that for a little while.

Before she pulls away, she murmurs, "Still not even," quiet enough that he doesn't hear.

#hi fi rush #chai hi fi rush #peppermint hi fi rush #angelanswers.txt #angelwrites.txt #don't tag as ship #mayoi

[lastoneout]

Hey there! Sorry it's kind of late, but I just remembered I said I'd send you a follow up ask about your dislike for the monster mom from Undertale when you had more time. But if you still don't have the time or just aren't feeling up to it, absolutely no worries! Hope you have a nice Friday!

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS

But yeah I really don't like her at all and it's maybe bcs I'm projecting some baggage onto her or smthn, but basically I went into Undertale completely blind bcs my friend told me I should experience it as fresh as possible, the only hint I got was "try not to kill anyone", so from my perspective here's what the beginning of the game was like(also forgive me if anything is out of order plot wise, I've only played the game once and it was seven years ago):

- Okay, the main character I'm playing as has clearly fallen into some sort of fantasy world, alright, games probably gonna be about us finding our way home then, cool!

- Oh, there's a goat lady?? Who's....acting like she's my mom??? Weird, I don't know her at all, and I super don't trust her bcs in fantasy stories like this you gotta watch out for characters who seem super nice but secretly want to keep you trapped "for your own good". It's a classic trope, so I'm :/ about her.

- Oh god she's being so overbearing and way too nice ugh I already don't like pushy tutorial npcs and she's def giving me bad vibes now, she's probably going to try to trap me here. All of this nice stuff feels culty and dangerous and weird, and there's this creeping dread, eugh...

- I hate butterscotch. I told her I preferred cinnamon bcs I don't like butterscotch, but now I have to eat it anyway, so she's not listening to me. So she's acting like my mom while creating an environment where my desires and preferences are not prioritized. This sucks.

- There were other kids down here maybe? What happened to them? Hmmm I think I'm in Danger.

- Eh, her house is nice but it's so empty...I don't like it here. She's refusing to talk to me about where I am or tell me how to leave, and she's kinda like demanding I just give up and live here with her and absolutely acting like she's my mom now, so yeah def trying to trap me here, I guess I'm a kidnapping victim. We gotta figure out a way to get the fuck out of here this place is culty and weird and too happy and I hate it.

- And she's trying to stop us! I knew it.

- And now she's kinda guilt tripping me! Wow yeah we REALLY need to leave.

- Fight time, but I'm not supposed to kill so I guess we just push forward? Eugh she's trying to make me feel bad for her but I don't. I just want to leave!

- Oh okay the fight is over? And she's telling me...that I can never come back?? This lady full on kidnapped me and started acting like my mom and now she's ditching me?? Bcs SHE'S too sad?? Oh my god, that's so fucking mean! I'm not even allowed to call her? Not that I wanted to, but she's just full on cutting me off?? Listen you either want to be my mom or you don't, if you're gonna commit, then fucking commit! You don't get to just act like you love me and then rip it all away! Jesus, this sucks. Okay, well fuck you too lady, I'm leaving, see ya never I hope!

And then I got really emotionally invested in everyone else and especially Asgore bcs I love a tragic king who is trying to do what's right even if it involves horrible things and losing every thing and everyone he loves, but hey at least he's being up front about it! And not lying to me or anything! I appreciate the honesty.

But then she showed up at the end of the game and I was just like oh god she's back fucking yikes. And she's acting like she's better than Asgore?? And he's listening?? Damn also she's totally okay with murder since she just told him he could have taken one human soul and crossed the barrier, so she doesn't even have the moral high ground on that, so she's a coward and so fake wtf, oh god now she's acting like my mom again, fucking great. I'm running as soon as the credits roll.

So yeah....I was VERY surprised when I went online and saw how everyone loved her so much, cuz to me she's just a rude weird control freak lady who tried to trap me in purgatory alone with her forever and then acted like I was the bad guy for asking to leave before Completely Abandoning me. And maybe it's due to some trauma I've been through or smthn, I think it probably is tbh, but I just cannot bring myself to see her as anything but a weirdo who pretended to love me and then abandoned me the second I asserted a single boundary.

And that's why I don't like Toriel.

#tbh I have a LOT of baggage and trauma re: Parents so that colors my view of characters who are parents #but I just don't like her #undertale salt #uh #ask to tag #I guess??

[archivalofsins]

Wanna see the funniest thread of texts to wake up to ever-

It's either go back to college and get the psych degree or do what you're doing but not like that. The average viewer would go,

"Does she know what you're doing?"

The answer to that is yes, kinda, I think she does. I told her that I already talk about Milgram online and plan to make videos about it. So, I have to assume she knows.

Oh then no problem-

She does not want it to be about Milgram and is basically asking me to do intermediate counseling similar to an advice column in a daily newspaper. Something that came about yesterday. Because we were having a conversation about media due to discussing Milgram. A work she has deemed inappropriate for kids and society.

After she explained why she believed that which I explained,

"The complaints you have aren't about the media but media literacy as a whole. A piece of media can only go as far as the person viewing it allows it to."

This led to a conversation about the younger generation, which again tied back to media literacy. Then I woke up to these after do not disturb cut off at seven in the morning. Just to think,

"Boy, do I have a surprise for you-"

Wait, hold on to stop admitting you were at the devil's sacrament to our mother each time you talk to her. She looked up the series last night and is baptist we are going to get it, bro. Literally shut up about Milgram for ten seconds, I'm begging- Yeah, well, beg harder- because this task keeps getting failed.

I fully plan to bring it up when I go to clean at my grandma's house Friday. Vacuuming my grandma's room,

"Grandma, do you think there's anything that can justify or excuse someone killing another person?"

Our sweet old grandma (80s), whose first love is religion, and did volunteer work at our family church up into her seventies probably would say,

"No, though I'd suppose it'd depend on the circumstances."

She would also probably laugh at the question. The family response to Milgram has consistently been well- I have to know why they did it first to judge it. Like elaborate. Or in my mom's case oh that's so dark the things your generation gets into I swear. I like to ask my family's opinion on this stuff because I just genuinely want to know, and it makes for good discussion.

Since my family members are all very opinionated people. Except for my older brother, he's very chill and just usually lets the characters get away with it because whatever it is simply is not his business. Talking to people with various different circumstances on what they think about milgram is very interesting. Because half the time I can just go ah I see why you see it that way. Like my mom was like,

"Well, how can you prove her murder wasn't the abortion?" In regards to Yuno because her first song doesn't show anyone else there. Then I said there are other people implied to be involved, though. She again said implied but not shown. This is without watching it, but listening to me discuss her case. Her whole thing is since we don't really see Yuno with any other people outside of the implication she is with others it could rightfully make it difficult for people to believe she's in here for killing anyone at all and it's not like abortion counts as murder so no crime has occurred here.

Then I brought up how it'd be nice if that's true but guilt by association is a thing. We know at least several people within Milgram have killed directly and one bluntly asks why someone would bring a bunch of acquitted murderers together. For any of them to be acquitted evidence of a crime or at least probable cause something that ultimately implies the death of a living person has transpired for one would be needed to take them to court at all.

Now this character could be lying but the character that the stand in for the audience is subordinate to says if this was just about the law then we wouldn't need to be here. Making it more like that Kazui is telling the truth about the acquitted part. Since if they were all legally acquitted of any wrong doing already then if we were just going by modern law we would not need to be here. Abortion is also still legal in Japan so they couldn't criminally charge Yuno for using one of her legal rights. That'd be odd.

At which point she went, yeah, given that information, it does become more questionable if abortion is her crime or not and I wouldn't really think it was myself but still this all so dark. It's like it's teaching people how to get away with murder. Circling into what we discussed at the beginning of this post.

Though it was a really fun conversation. Also, no- I haven't told my mom about Mikoto. I would like to tentatively know peace.

#gunsli rambles

[linagram]

more t1 music info!

hi, it's me talking about the random linagram lore again! also help i have so many things to do and so little time to write kei's vd

so. you're probably wondering what i mean by "more music info". what i mean is that i will finally reveal everyone's undercover lyrics in this post and also t1 song titles and t1 song previews (you know, like in the trailers)!

i should mention that these lyrics don't rhyme, so they probably don't sound like actual song lyrics, but i kinda wanted to write them like that on purpose, so that they could feel like.. uh, english subtitles in a way? :'D

Undercover Lyrics:

Akio: "UNDER, you're the only person I can trust, if you want to prove your loyalty to me, you should just bow down"

Aimi: "UNDER, I have everything I want, but why do I want to cry so much? If you're not my friend, you don't deserve to even breathe"

Shun: "UNDER, I want to forget this boring real world, it's nothing but disappointment. I prefer the fake world I've created in my head"

Naomi: "UNDER, oh, I made you cry? Why don't you tell your parents about it? Ah, you can't do it, 'cause you're dead"

Kei: "UNDER, I gave you what you wanted, so why do you say I'm evil? There was no "safe word", you signed up for this yourself"

Eiko: "UNDER, it's your fault for lying to me, an "invisible wall" won't protect you, I'm about to enter your world"

Asahi: "UNDER, you can buy the whole world for me, but it still won't be enough. Maybe I just want to see "her" again"

Yurika: "UNDER, I want to go back to those days, sorry, Dad and Mom, I don't think I'm ready to grow up"

Riku: "UNDER, no matter how much I bleed, you still refuse to forgive me. Just go and listen to my song again"

Reina: "UNDER, please, just end this already, before I die from being swallowed by my own guilt"

T1 Song Titles:

Akio: Staying At The Top

Aimi: Portrait of Friendship

Shun: Error Screen

Naomi: Empty Desk

Kei: Hot Pink Illusion

Eiko: Lost in Perfection

Asahi: Never Satisfied

Yurika: Heart-shaped Candy

Riku: Jump Together

Reina: No Reason

T1 Song Previews:

Akio: "Don't even think of stealing my crown, who do you think you are? I'm the one who rules this place, you're just a stranger! Stop making them love you because of that bright smile of yours, stop being their sun, they're too used to darkness"

Aimi: "Let's make this world as colorful and bright as our friendship, let's forget about our problems and worries. I'll make you laugh, I'll make you smile, just promise that you won't leave me alone. Let's hold hands, let's sing, let's dance, I hope we'll stay friends forever"

Shun: "There's nothing wrong with me still missing you, right? There's nothing wrong with me still wanting to be with you, right? So why don't you leave him, you deserve better, even though I'm probably worse. What do you mean, I can't even remember your face? You just had too many of them"

Naomi: "No, I can't leave yet, there's too much to do, I'm still here because of you, you won't let me run away. Stop looking at me like that, you don't deserve my forgiveness, just like I don't deserve theirs. I'm drowning in my guilt and swimming like a fish in the sea at the same time"

Kei: "Let's do it already, I can't wait any longer. One? Two? Sure, I'll go with five! Just tell me what you want, I'm okay with anything, don't be shy, I've done worse things. Let me take my rose-colored glasses on, so that I can pretend that this moment is better than it actually is"

Eiko: "I can't wait to finally meet you, I know that you're just as perfect as I imagine you to be. I want to know what songs you dance to, I want to know what movies make you cry, I want to know every single little thing about you. I want to escape to your world, but it's too early for that, but you're already becoming a part of me"

Asahi: "Just give it to me, even if I don't remember what I've asked for. My room has everything other kids want, but it's still not enough for me, it's too empty for me. Please forgive me, I've never been spoiled like this before, so let me enjoy it, let me ask more and more from you"

Yurika: "I can do it, I know I can! You gave me courage, you gave me strength, so let me repay you! You just laugh and say "Your heart is enough", can't you act a bit more serious this time? But my life is so sweet now thanks to you, so let me add my heart full of fear and hope to your beautiful collection"

Riku: "You can forget about everything tonight, there's no need to cry, no need to worry, I'll be here to make it right. Listen to my voice, listen to my song, I know you're starting to feel better thanks to me. Actually, can you do me a favor? I want you to give me a smile and jump as high as you can"

Reina: "I do it because I like it, no motive, no excuse, no backstory. I'm just having fun with my friends, what's wrong with that? Yeah, you're right, a lot of things. So go on, judge me, hate me, you know I want it, I know that you will make the right decision"

#i'm looking at riku's shun's and asahi's undercover lyrics and laughing. I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN. I KNOW WHY THEIR LYRICS ARE LIKE THIS #it was.. so hard to come up with their song titles #ironically even though reina is 010 and akio is 001 reina's song title was the first one i came up with and akio's was the last #wow asahi and yurika's song lyrics are sure.. interesting :) #👑prisoner 001: miyagawa akio👑 #🌸prisoner 002: hanasaki aimi🌸 #💔prisoner 003: ishizu shun 💔 #🌿prisoner 004: chiba naomi🌿 #🍓prisoner 005: sanada kei 🍓 #💎prisoner 006: yoshioka eiko💎 #🍬prisoner 007: yano asahi 🍬 #🎀prisoner 008: maruyama yurika 🎀 #🎸prisoner 009: kuroki riku 🎸 #🎭prisoner 010: himura reina🎭

[warriorstickers]

Cavernclan

Glowfish hadn’t been this busy in a while. Oaknettle’s sprained paw had healed finally, so he was back out of her den, and everyone else’s problem again. What was left of Talondrift’s tail had healed up very well, and she was moving out of the Medicine cat den to her own, and slowly beginning to do warrior duties again. Burntheart had managed to get heat stroke, overworking himself on fixing the tunnels up. 

Cherryfreckle got the final checkup on her neck wound from Goldstar, and aside from a small scar hidden under her fur, she was completely healed. And now I’m not the only cat she flinches at the sight of. She thought with some bitterness. Cherryfreckle’s accusations to her truly did hurt her, as much as she tried to be understanding. She would never have kits of her own, but she could imagine the pain it would cause to lose one violently. Speaking of kit’s of her own, she could hear Rattlekit being scolded just outside the den by Goldstar, for taking more than their share of prey. Glowfish smiled indulgently. Having taken care of Rattlekit since they were brought to the clan, that was probably the closest to a kit of her own she would ever have. Sometimes when they were alone at night, and she was helping Rattlekit from a ‘scary dream’, Rattlekit would call her ‘mom’. The young kit was also showing an interest in herbs, which made the Medicine cat excited, thinking she might have an apprentice, when the time came. Then we can stay in this den together, from now on! It felt good to have a cat who she felt close to in the clan. 

“Glowfish, I got in trouble!” The young kit rushed inside to inform Glowfish, sounding much more excited about the prospect than she should. It made the Medicine cat smile. “I heard that. You must be sneaking prey when I’m not watching, hmm?” She asked, tone light. She didn’t know if she was capable of getting mad at Rattlekit, especially when they were normally so well behaved. “Yes. But Goldstar made me promise I wouldn’t anymore, so I wont.” Rattlekit stood up on her hind paws, bracing with her front paws on a rocky ledge, trying to see what herbs Glowfish was sorting. She allowed the kit to smell it, before continuing to sort. “That’s good.” She replied, moving onto another herb, this time a bright yellow marigold, which Rattlekit always liked. “The den is more empty! Did Cherryfreckle finish healing?” Rattlekit asked, pawing playfully at the yellow flower, as Glowfish dangled it from side to side. “She did.” Glowfish nodded, beginning to stack the marigold now that she had counted it. We could use a little more. She made a mental note, so she would remember to look for some next time she went above ground. “She was nice to me.” Rattlekit had moved on to playing with a little moss ball. “She likes kits.” Glowfish figured it was because they reminded her of her lost kit. It must be bittersweet for her, to be around other kits. Her chest tightened with guilt. It wasn’t my fault.  “How come she doesn’t like you?” Rattlekit’s unexpected question startled her, and she nearly dropped the marigold. She hadn’t expected the little kit to be perceptive enough to pick up on that.

“She doesn’t dislike me.” She answered quickly, unsure about how to explain the situation to the kit. Lying was easier, and it had come out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

“She does! Oaknettle told me.” Rattlekit scampered over, face grumpy. “You’re lying to me! Goldstar just told me lying was bad!”

Glowfish briefly told herself she would slip Oaknettle some really bitter herbs the next time he came in for treatment. “You’re right, Goldstar is right. I’m sorry.” Glowfish turned away from the herbs to face Rattlekit. It wasn’t an apology if you didn’t look at the one you were apologizing to. How to explain the situation? “Do you remember the Cavernclan history you were taught?” She waited for the nod. “Cherryfreckle lost someone really important to her that day, and I remind her of that. Even though it wasn’t my fault, it makes it hard for her to be around me.”

“Oh!” Rattlekit replied. Seemingly satisfied with that answer, the kit went back to playing, and left Glowfish to sort her herbs in silence, lost in thought. ~

Talondrift was charged with leading a patrol for the first time since she’d gotten her warrior name. Feeling a bit nervous, she asked Yarrowfur and Oddthistle both to join her in patrolling the tunnel entrances in Hayclan territory. Both mollies had agreed, and before long Talondrift felt more relaxed as they chatted, using soft voices as their paws worked to re-widen and then hide the entrances to their cave. That was until Oddthistle’s head shot up, ears swiveling. “Heads up ladies, we’ve got company.” Talondrift straightened up herself, and watched as Oddthistle positioned herself in between the noise and them. Oddthistle was the most senior warrior and the best fighter among them, so Talondrift was happy to let her take over, while Yarrowfur stood protectively next to her. “Well no wonder I didn’t smell you coming. Your stench is all over this place.” Oddthistle suddenly spoke, as two Hayclan warriors emerged from the tall grass, one hissing at the rude remark. Don’t antagonize them! Talondrift thought, even though the other warriors were technically wrong if they bothered them. Cavernclan was allowed on their territory until the sun was up. “You’re a little early. Sun’s not up.” Oddthistle reminded them, attempting to look casual while she flexed her claws. “We heard noise, and figured we’d better check it out.” One of the two Hayclan tom’s responded, eyeing the Cavernclan mollies up and down. Yarrowfur has moved to sit in front of their tunnel entrance, and used her tail behind her to cover it with dirt and debris while Oddthistle had the tom’s attention. Talondrift couldn’t help admiring them both for their cool heads, and was glad she had asked them to come with her. “Well, it’s just us. Run on home.” Oddthistle’s remark gained yet another hiss, but the tom who had spoken put his tail out to restrain the other. He gave one more glowering look their way, and turned around, looking over his shoulder a few times, before both tom’s disappeared in the tall grass again. After waiting until the sound of their footfalls faded away, Talondrift let out a breath. “Whew! That was scary! I haven’t seen Hayclan cats that close since- well, y’know.” Cavernclan cats didn’t speak about the event where they were nearly wiped out, unless they had to. Mentioning it was almost like a curse, drawing up bad memories for everyone. “We’d better get back home. Let’s go down here.” Yarrowfur suggested, pausing to brush against both of the other mollies comfortingly, before she led the way. Talondrift purred in thanks for the comforting gesture, and followed her into the dark tunnel with Oddthistle bringing up the rear. She felt instantly safer as the darkness absorbed them.

~ Burntheart returned from his patrol just as sunlight began to shine above ground. He yawned, tired. He made his way through the camp, greeting anyone still awake with brief nods as he did. He was hoping to join his mate in their nest, craving her warmth. However, when he poked his head into the den, she was sitting up in their nest, rather than sleeping. Everyone else in the den was fast asleep, gentle breaths going in and out. He carefully picked his way through the den, careful not to step on any sleeping clanmates, and chirped a soft greeting at his mate. “You’re still up.” He commented, and noticed the expression on her face, and the way her paws wrapped around one of Rattlekit’s moss balls, tucked into their nests. “You dreamt of her?” He asked softly, settling into the nest and curling his body around his mate’s. He didn’t mention their kit by name, knowing they both knew who he referred to. As a soft mournful sound escaped Cherryfreckle’s muzzle, and her head lowered into her paws, he began to groom her pelt, trying to comfort her. “And then I woke up.” Cherryfreckle cried, voice somewhat muffled by her paws. Burntheart’s heart tugged, for more reasons than one. He knew his mate would sacrifice even him, if it would bring their kit back. If he could have made that trade for her, he would have. For a long while, he continued to groom her slowly, until he felt her body relax and heard her drift back to sleep. He rested his own head on her back, and knew it would now be a while before he would sleep.

#Cavernclan #Clan Gen #Grief #Kit Loss

[fencesandfrogs]

okay after half an hour of wifi fuckery. therapy post time.

s/o to my therapist we went several minutes over talking about taylor swift. it was supposed to be just fun but then she asked if i had seen the video for "anti hero" and i mentioned that "you're on your own kid / you always have been" made me cry and she said "we should start there next week"

whoops.

talking about my mom again (what else is new?), and again about the guilt i feel at talking about her.

urgh there's so much and now i have my little summaries i always write up and then i feel bad about them again.

but this is good for me.

i think.

let me just try to go in order:

talked about managing my mom's emotions. and how i...shouldn't have had to know how to do that.

also talked about how my aunt would warn us if my mom sounded like she was having a bad day so we could get the house in order so she wouldn't have anything to be mad at

i didn't think anything of it but my therapist seemed pretty upset

talked a lot about the voting and how it's part of a pattern and how she's upset when i assert my independence and how she says it nicely

and how she hates being wrong

also how she's always so quick to promise i can live at home with her and that i don't have to worry...even though i've never told her i'm worried about it and she's always been clear that she won't kick me out?

because she's scared of me leaving

guilt starts eating up and i talk about it. how i know i know i know my mom sucks but i feel bad for saying it, like someone is injecting it into me, twisting my stomach and filling my veins with guilt and i need to stop saying it

that i want someone to just tell me i'm being overdramatic and every teenager hates my mom and i should stop saying shit that makes her sound bad

(people are going to think badly about her)

my therapist asked what the consequences are and i don't know. there aren't any. it's just. bad.

everything about my mom makes me feel like i'm lying. it hits the same buttons.

described the scene of steven with the scarab and how that's how i feel, like i'm fighting against something that controls me, only it's not my actions, it's my feelings

i can talk about things in therapy but i don't want to and i'm once again wanting to email her please don't take me seriously please don't believe me i'm just sensitive just overdramatic my mom is fine she's good she's perfect i really shouldn't be wasting our time and her money talking about her when my father's still on the table

i won't because that makes the feral beast claw at my chest

i can't win! you can't find a middle ground between the impossible perfection i'm supposed to believe in & the ragehurtpain that claws at me until i feel it over my lungs. they're too much to contain.

after the second or third time i started saying i just want someone to tell me i'm overdramatic that my mom is fine that this is normal that she didn't do anything wrong- my therapist cut me off and said "well it is normal for people to realize their parents are flawed in young adulthood"

and THAT made the feral part say she's always been flawed she's always been terrible please listen to me please believe me why did her flaws have to be my fault?

came really close to crying. didn't. teared up a little. but came close. closer than i've been in a while. it hurts to have this much conflict inside you.

(my therapist also seemed upset that i don't want to ask my mom for money. everyone seems upset by that.)

(i'm so used to managing my mom's moods and navigating them. she's been so angry i can't talk to her to ask her for something. this is a process. she'll accuse me of only talking to her when i need her if i'm not careful. always thinking one day one week one month ahead, always being careful. that's just how she is.)

i'm tired. i want to cry. i feel bad and guilty. i'm supposed to be grateful, because she is a good mother.

i'm just tired.

#mine #therapypost #disorderposting

[iamtheangelofdeath]

TW MENTION OF SA

A good chunk of my life has been nothing but Hell,somedays I feel like I deserve it because in my eyes I feel like I’m a terrible person while some I think I didn’t and deserve better

My biological father left me when I was about two or three he abandoned me because he wasn’t ready to be a father despite having around ten kids and maybe more all from different women (I’m the second oldest,I’m 22)

I’d constantly get bullied throughout school also. For being fat. For being ugly. Everything under the sun. Yet I’d get in trouble for sticking up for myself. I had no real friends either and I still don’t which is why I’m always online since I only have online friends

At the age of three or four (bear with me my memory is shit) I’d start getting molested by somebody I trusted (well,my moms best friends father whom I considered to be my grandpa seeing as at the time I didn’t have one.). I can remember every fucking detail and each time it makes me sick. It makes me feel used,if it gets to me too much I’ll take a shower and scrub my skin despite it happening years ago. I remember when I’d be in a room alone and he’d wait…he’d wait for the perfect moment to strike that in question was whenever I’d leave said room whether it be to go use the bathroom or go elsewhere then he’d just stand in the doorway,his fat frame blocking any means of escape though at the time I was skinny so I’d try to get past only for him to grab me and fondle me. His disgusting hands would go up my shirt to touch my flat chest (I remember asking him to help me fix a sports bra I was wearing and he did that as well) or slither down my pants or skirt to touch my vagina through my underwear,how long it’d last I’m not sure though he’d eventually stop. I remember being in their son’s room sitting on the bed playing on their GameCube lo and behold here comes that vile pig only this time he has his flaccid penis hanging out from his fly for my innocent eyes to see,I’m forever grateful that I ran out the room when I did otherwise I’m for sure he would’ve deflowered me right then and there if I just stared at him like a deer in headlights. Another time it finally clicked in my head that what he was doing to me was wrong so when he did it yet again I said “no!” to which he said “yes!”. I can’t wrap my head around how somebody could ruin a child’s innocence. I would eventually tell everyone when I was at my aunts having a panic attack when I was proposed the idea of staying the night at her house with her and her boyfriend (I was afraid he’d do what my abuser did to me even tho he would never do that). We went to court for this only for my case to be dropped due to lack of evidence which I suppose I can understand since words don’t really do much but even then why.

He got to live a life as a free man up until he passed away in 2018 despite what he did to me all while it affected me so bad that I was anxious around men,I oversexualized myself on Kik (which got me groomed by so many sick FUCKS),and honestly I started to wonder if I DID make it up since his family said I was lying (no little kid should know what a grown man’s dick looks like nor should they even know about sex or SA but okay-) that and when his wife asked on his deathbed if he did all that to me he said he didn’t to which she sided with him (I’ll always find it ironic how she swore she’d protect her granddaughter from creeps yet never protected me from her predator of a husband since she was too occupied on the computer or watching reruns of MASH in the living room)The trauma from both getting molested AND getting groomed online was so bad that I’d get hostile with mom (hit her,slap her,berate and cuss at her,tell her I hate her) when I was a little girl all the way ‘til I was around 16-17? I still feel guilt and regret for what I had done. She did so much for me despite being a single mother and giving birth to me when she was still in highschool despite her mother telling her she should abort me and even kicking her out the house to go live on her own n forcing her to quit her job at Dominoes,how she still loves me despite all the turmoil and hell I put her through during that time is beyond me

As for the grooming I’d get groomed by grown men on Kik,some would give me money to send them nudes (I was 15-16 at the time) and some would threaten me into sending them then threaten to show my parents it and blame me for sending them. Some would threaten to rape me,some threatened to dox me,some sent me full blown CP out of nowhere,some would send me dick pics knowing my age,some reassured that the lewd stuff I was doing as a teen was okay it was “hot”,someone said my body looked like the underside of a pig,overall it wasn’t a good experience to say the least. It baffles me how that app is still up especially since CP is a major problem on there and people just trade it like it’s fuckin’ Pokemon cards or some shit either way I fucking hate that app and I hate that most ppl have gotten away with abusing other underaged kids on there-

I genuinely hate that the sexual abuse I endured warped my mind into thinking that sending nudes to random men that I talked to or rped with would make em like me (I did this when I was 18,19 or 20 I don’t remember-) thinking back about it it always makes me feel gross,used and nothing but an object to ogle at.

All my ex partners were horrible in some way or another (I had one leave me after a week in favor of my then at the time best friend,one cheated on me bc I wasn’t comfy with being called mommy,one said he wasn’t using me despite him using me for nudes and to just wank you get it-) BUT the worst one was this sick pedo fuck.

He messaged me asking if I wanted to date him so I got excited and said yes. I should’ve said no.

Keep in mind that I used to age regress in 2019 bare in mind and when he found out I had the gear (adult pacifiers,littleforbig onesies,all that stuff),he’d ask for pictures. Wanted a pic of me with pigtails wearing one of them which at first felt normal until he started asking me to take nasty pics. Most of the time I didn’t want to to which he’d keep pressuring me until I caved in but others I’d do it for the sake of appeasing him since I wanted to be loved. The onesie he made me wear in question looked like this.

Aaaaaanywho I remember once he was making me get off for him and he wanted me to put the dildo I was using on myself in my ass to which I told him no it’d hurt and he kept persisting despite me saying NO because “daddy said so” to which again,I caved in and shoved the large toy inside of my anus that shit hurt so bad but I did it anyway just because I wanted his love and validation. Eventually I started to wonder if he loved me and when I asked he simply sent me memes because he didn’t like confrontation. Oh well,I left him though last year I discovered that he had forced himself onto other people I was friends with on Facebook and did shit like that. Thanks Josiah. Thanks for tainting age regressing for me. Thank you for making me throw out most of my gear because it left a nasty scar.

Nowadays I’m still bitter that everybody on Twt got away with making fun of me for having BPD,anger issues,autism (basically ableism-) and not being comfortable with sharing Dude just because they deem me as a bad person. Making a mockery of me and saying I’m obsessive solely because I’m emotionally connected to Dude. I can’t look at ship art of him or nsfw of him involved with others without feeling sick and betrayed. I know it isn’t canon but still.

I have said some childish n regretful things in the heat of the moment I will gladly own up to it because I’m not gonna excuse my behavior but I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bad person for rightfully getting upset that my boundaries were overstepped and they kept making me uncomfortable despite me telling them to stop to which I’m the bad guy and I apparently start drama (despite them starting it,Twt users loves to cancel people for stupid shit- also funny how the twt Postal fandom “cancelled” me yet it’s hush hush about that person who made a skinhead Dudesona,that weirdo who fetishizes rape n draws gore porn,racists,transphobes/anti lgbt,folks using others for free art,and true crime weirdos that glorify Columbine or say serial killers are cute). I’m not a bad person for worrying about someone’s well being and getting worried that they were getting groomed,I still feel guilty for wrongfully saying the person was a pedo but I apologized to them it’s not like I did it out of malice or spite I was just genuinely worried bc I didn’t want that person to go through the shit I went through. I’m not a bad person for sticking up for myself when that true crime freak was making fun of me (they were insulting me bc of my mental illnesses n took a screenshot of my bio to make fun of it,my autism,my selfshipping and called me fat but all of a sudden it’s bad when I go on pop off on them. Again I went overboard with my “at least my wrists don’t look like this” remark with a screenshot of their SH I know that and I regret it but honestly don’t insult someone and expect them to take kindly to it-). I hate every last motherfucker that abandoned me. I hate Izzy for saying she was my bestie and that she’d never leave me despite her blocking me on every social media platform because she’s nothing but a disgusting pig that wants to be popular and mooches off others for free art. I hate Son Of Satan for defending people making fun of me because in their words “you were acting like you were good and everyone was bad,they were just joking” (using your logic that just means I was joking when I made that SH comment or called your little buddy a fucking clown like what??? I at least owned up to what I did and knew it was wrong meanwhile you’re pulling excuses out your ass to make it seem like you’re a good person when in reality you and everyone that left me behind are nothing but shit stains) and using suicide as a tactic to make me feel guilty (to which it did,looking back I should’ve told them to do it or laughed at them but sadly I have a heart of gold and want to help people despite some not deserving the time of day also they said their parents hated them which I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true because if that failed abortion was my kid I’d hate them too-),I hate their little buddy Chell for playing victim all the fucking time despite being a shit human (I made a post regarding a completely different person once and they somehow thought it was ab them so they sent their white knights to go harass me and make fun of my looks n self shipping also according to them I’m a “pedophile” because I’m telling fatherless teens that probably get bullied at school to leave me the fuck alone (also one of them said “minors can’t harass people” like?? Quit making excuses for being an asshole-),I hate every last one of those motherfuckers. It just felt like a punch in the face when one of my favorite artists said “your behavior was embarrassing” and then I’m pretty sure a post they made on tumblr was about me it was something among the lines of “oh I’m not an obsessive fangirl maybe I would be though in 2007” yadayadayada.

The constant dwelling each and every waking moment,wishing bad upon them,thinking about them in rather horrific situations which isn’t morally right just because I loathe them,how I’d never eat because I was constantly paranoid and if I did I’d just nitpick,how I relapsed and self harmed,how I wasted my tears on people that had long moved on,countless failed suicide attempts because I wholeheartedly believed that that’s what they wanted and that they’d be happy with that decision. It’s not fair. They don’t deserve to be happy or get recognition and all those friends,I DO. I can’t bring myself to forgive them,I really wanted to but I just can’t especially when I went through all of that shit in the span of 4. Fucking. Months.

[sab3rto0thed]

they live in a house―two houses, actually, in los angeles. they are supposed to be actors, their skin a monument to the gods above, a holier-than-thou exhibit that they get away with better than the formally religious people in my life.

i simmered all summer before they left, picking the legs off of spiders and talking about kissing. this was before i wore my tall socks, and after i stopped asking for money―the belt was my best feature. it narrowed my waist and made me helpless. i floundered like a girl at sea.

all of the boys i have kissed, at least, are starkly transparent with me. they say shit like "no one has ever looked at me the way you do when i touch you―" i am stretched across my bedroom floor, various pieces of flesh tapered to the wall. it is a fucking crime scene in here. it's awful, he says. my eyes are so wide and i am always trying to push him away―stop it, stop it. i am fifteen. i want you to leave.

i tell everyone that will listen about this. i show them the nails i stitched underneath the skin in my wrists, an arts-and-crafts projects that took nearly two decades to finish. it was decided before i was born what i was going to be: resolutely, absolutely fucked. in return, you tell them all about my mom―how we shove each other in the hallway, how i steal her hard liquor and drink until i black out in my bed instead of going to class, how she wishes i was dead. there are no secrets with me.

and the second one, who kept trying to press his knuckles up against my thighs, with the waist that was thinner than mine―he bought me a baja blast before he abandoned me at my doorstep, which was probably the kindest thing a boy has ever done for me. i never let him see my tits and he never made me touch his cock, so we called it even. i mocked him as my boyfriend and he bought me mcdonald's and lied to my face―he loved lying, up until the very end. he taught me everything i know. that was how i knew it was over. in two years, it was the first truth he had ever told me. it was also the last.

his girlfriend takes my starbucks applications. she fucking hates my guts in very apathetic means―she doesn't want me dead in any particular way, but if she saw my face on the news, she wouldn't even blink. she would think: that bitch had it coming. i am a meddler, a mockery. i bludgeon myself in my bedroom until my gums bleed.

her mother makes her cocktails when she pleads. at parties, she finds a corner to get high in at all times, like she is scouting out the area. (we do this differently. after the first time, i always need an escape route.) whenever she has sex with the boys i love, they don't make her plead like they do me. i am a master at comforting her leftovers, wiping their tears, trembling when i unzip their jeans. when i sat alone in grade school, her mother sat with me and told me that her daughter struggles with being lonely, too. we have been tethered since day one. i tell her about a song and she tells me to rot in hell.

i see her in most of the women i find comforting―a smile, a sly word, a lock of hair, a nose ring. that expression, holier-than-thou, her skin flecked with paint. jesus died on the cross for girls like her, and i am incomparable. even if i wasn't fundamentally fucked up, a liar and a thief, i still would be nothing compared to her. i set my head on fire and burn at the stake. i am never going to be anything. i will never have my own car or a decent bleach job, or a list of boys volunteering to fuck me in the backs of their cars. i can't be her.

the third was the best in his own polite way―he took me on three dates first, at least, and he tried to pay for everything. i think the way his mother raised him wouldn't allow him not to―he gave me forty dollars every time we kissed, because if he didn't, his guilt would eat him alive.

guilt is stupid. guilt is reckless. i don't feel guilty for a single thing i do. my cat has cancer, and although i could scrounge up the three thousand dollars he needs to survive another year, i will not. i blinked back tears the entire way home―"if i don't do it," i told my grandma, "then i'll have killed the one thing in the world that trusts me the most."

i have grown out of having most of those fits. i carry no guilt, which sobered him up really quick. the first few times i left him hanging he could pass―and i did try to warn him about me. it's not my fault that he didn't listen. i told him very plainly, in the best english i could manage. i can't have sex. i get all shaky, my head fucks up. my arms bend the wrong way. i can't do it, baby.

he found someone else to fuck. my friends say she has the face of a frog and my family all thinks she's a whore, but i actually liked her quite a bit. it was a learning curve, because she thought i was untouchable―you know, scouting for spots to smoke weed, a good bleach job, my own car. and i never begged. i couldn't help but pity her, because she was just like me before i had become what i am now.

i have never been untouchable, although i think part of the key to being untouchable is to do things with your entire chest―lie, laugh, linger. worship no one, and make sure no girl is grabbing the crystals on your neck. don't let them into your bedroom. don't let them push you over. lie about the significance of others, including them.

he tried really hard. i am an expert in the art of coercion―it's not something i practice, but i applaud the art. when it's well-done, it's a really lovely thing. it'll stop your breathing for at least six months. he was awful at it. he tried to guilt me―i am guiltless. it is hard to be invincible―pretend-invincible, whatever―when you are afraid. so i said, alright, whatever. we fucked. i bled all over the sheets, and i made him ache all over again. he hated me―in the end, they all do.

i told you, i said softly, when i was pulling my clothes back on. this is how i am. this is how it is. i am irreversibly fucked up. you owe me more gas money. a month later, he broke up with me―he didn't tell me that he was fucking that other girl, but he didn't have to. i knew exactly where my cunning charm stopped. he had passed the line a while ago.

his ex-girlfriend was the one point of kindness in my life. before all of this, she had been the only decent person in the world to me―the one who sat me down at parks, who noticed when i was quiet in a group. this was the girl who held me in doorways and steadied my legs, the girl who didn't let me eat alone at lunch even though she didn't know my last name. we were barely friends, and i hated her smile, because it was the loveliest thing i had ever seen―i was never lovely.

i am sorry, because i know he pushed her the same way he pushed me. he is awful at coercion―we both knew it. we both gave in anyway. there are not many things that are the same about her and i, but we do share this. the closed throats, the fumbling while friends are in the room, the shaded eyes. i think the biggest thing is, she learned to say no. i was always a little more pathetic.

and this is what i do―i lie, i linger. i broke the crystal necklace she made for my birthday. i ruin things, a natural gift. i wander the street at night until my throat is too heavy to hold it in anymore. i used to lay on my floor and scream into the carpet, because there was just something so wrong about me. i was twisted inside.

intimacy is not a love language, not to me. i try my best to stay away. i do things perfectly, in a structural pattern. cargo pants and the shirt a girl i loved gave me. i wash my hair, i simmer in the summer, i lay in only a bra by my open window in the evening. i write love letters to girls whose names i don't dare speak anymore.

there is a small thing called redemption. i grew out of los angeles. i try not to think too hard about my face on the news. one of my best friend always wants to see me when she comes home from college―i am one of the first faces she thinks of, she tells me. we talk about books in her bed―time loops and lovers and butterflies. she tells me that all boys push. if anyone ever pushed her, i would knock all of their teeth out.

it's not that she protects me, exactly. it's just that she lets me sleep in her bed―she talks on the phone with me for an hour whenever i get bad news. she thinks better of me than just a girl with a pair of scissors and a vengeance―she was one of the first people to make me a person. when she leaves, she leaves me alone in her bedroom. i study the snow outside of her window, the passport carefully laid by her mattress. it's not that she protects me, but she does give me room to breathe.

this is how it is now―room to breathe. i have all of those things now, time loops and butterflies and lovers. my friends take pictures of the moths on my hands. they trace the lines of my new tattoo and they beam at me when they see my car, the one i never thought i would get to buy. (i did.) in may, i will drive it to utah and my aunt will give me a good bleach job, and then we will get cherry-cinnamon cokes.

i have been lonely for so long. i don't do anything slowly, and my tests are more like battles. i was telling a boy about the placement of my tattoo―how i used to crush jagged pieces of glass in my bedroom at night, hoping so hard to bleed out. he told me he would never have guessed, but he is glad i am still breathing. sometimes, it is hard to believe that not everyone sees the same suicidal teenage girl with the hollows underneath her eyes. sometimes i still see her in the mirror, and i am sick in her memory. no one is protecting her.

someone once told me―if it is an emergency, call. this man does not want to see my face on the news. and it is not as if he is exactly protecting me, either. but he reads everything i write, no matter how awful i think it is. he lets me hug him in the middle of winter, because we couldn't do this last year―he was gone last year, and i was awful. he helps me with scholarships and college applications. i know he would drop everything if i asked him to, if i needed him to. i told him about my dying cat, because if anyone knew the right thing to say, he would. it is so hard for me to have faith in others―when it comes to him, i hold fast. we are writers, english majors, a little reckless. i'm afraid i might love him until the day he dies. infinity has never been an option for me.

a friend was driving me home a few weeks ago. i was giving him all of these truths about me―i am trying to be more honest, you know. he told me he doesn't want to sleep with me―i told him i don't want to sleep with him, either. i just act like i do. we exchanged very soft looks, like the beginning of understanding. he sees when i am tired. very rarely has anyone ever been good at that without months of hard work―i am not a very easy person to love, i don't think. i lie a lot.

when this all started, four years before, it was my cat who i was staying alive for. he would hear me crying in my room in the middle of the night and meow at my door until i let him in. we would sit on my floor and i would hold him, wrap my arms around him and sob into his fur. he hated being held like that, but he let me―we've been best friends for a long time. and i know infinity has never been an option for me. but if anything were to be infinity, it would be those nights with the closest thing i have ever had to a home. we would lay in the dark, watching the sun rise from my bed. he would head butt my chin. i would kiss him right between the eyes.

he cries whenever i'm at work. i've never had a love like that. i know life will go on. but sometimes i still simmer in the summer, and i don't know what i am going to do this summer, when there is no one for me to hold at five in the morning. it is hard to grasp sometimes, but everything changes. growing pains are not unique to me, but i don't think they will ever stop hurting.

i will never go to los angeles. i will never be a great actor, holier-than-thou. and i am trying―every day, i am trying―to be more of a person. sometimes, the truth of that simply has to be enough.