#also wow did i really write 4 paragraphs of text for that last one

[hiddenbeks]

alone, desire & failure for the oc u really want to talk abt :3

not-so-nice oc asks

ooh well since we're touching on the topic of failure i gotta talk abt ultimate failgirl fereldan turnip champion of kirkwall hottest apostate in town aka frida! also she's my only dragon age gal whose tag is still empty and this is a great opportunity to change that

alone: how does your oc deal with loneliness? have they ever been completely alone before? how do they act when there's no one around to see them?

frida deals with loneliness by seeking company! she's used to always having at least a few people around and she would prefer not to be alone with her own thoughts so. she'll hit up her friends and/or go to the hanged man for a fun evening to avoid this :) if there's no one around to see her it means her energy is totally depleted and that's when she's at her. rawest and most bare? she might cry for an hour in total solitude or just lie in bed staring at nothing or do something else she'd never let anyone else witness. she is so used to putting up a strong and fun and unshakeable front for others!! alone time is for letting all her emotions out unfiltered oof

desire: what's one thing your oc wants more than anything in the world? are they open with that desire? why or why not? what would they do to fulfill it?

she's a simple gal. she just wants to live her life freely and be happy and make sure her loved ones are happy...

...until she arrives in kirkwall and gets to know the kirkwall crew and starts hanging out and discussing mage freedom with anders and merrill and learns about the conditions in the gallows... as years go by she starts desiring. bigger things. it's not enough that she and her friends are free - she wants total liberation and while she doesn't go around the gallows yelling 'fuck meredith' she doesn't hide her views either. after becoming the champion she becomes much more open about this because what are they gonna do? arrest the beloved savior of kirkwall lol?? and if it takes blowing up a chantry and starting a revolt to achieve total liberation then so be it.

she's not actually involved in the blowing up of the chantry tho (beyond distracting elthina as you do in-game) bc anders keeps her in the dark but. at that point she would've helped if he'd asked. in fact she would've done it in his stead because just as anders says 'i didn't want it to be connected to you' or something along those lines frida would also have wanted to shield her friend at the cost of her own safety. because that's what she does. she needs therapy.

failure: what's your oc's greatest failure? have they been able to move past it? does anyone else know about it?

ok so when i call her failgirl i don't mean it in a 'fails at everything she does' way. she succeeds in many things! but all her achievements in kirkwall are overshadowed by her losses that she sees as failures on her part. most people don't see it that way because they don't know about her personal life, they just know she saved kirkwall! she fights for the mages! she's a hero of the common people whoo!! the companions of course know about most of her losses as they're right there to witness them and even if she doesn't open up about her troubles they Know she is tormented

but anyway uh. her greatest failure is basically not being able to do what she set out to do in the first place which was protecting her family! bethany dies when they're fleeing ferelden (she shouldn't have let her run off like that!), carver catches the taint and frida dooms him to a slow death as a grey warden (she should've told him to stay in the city!!) and then leandra is killed (she should've been more alert!!!). she blames aveline as well for the last one though. as is her right because holy shit aveline you're bad at your job! also frida is getting tired of internalizing it all so she starts taking her anger and exhaustion and disappointment out on others. mainly aveline. they have a weird can't-stand-her-ass-but-i-need-someone-to-fight-with kind of relationship. idk.

she also believes she failed as a big sister to carver by not bonding with him as much as she did with bethany when they were younger and like. she still struggles to understand him... see things from his point of view... they never get to have a true heart to heart about their Issues before she sends carver away to join the wardens and after that they barely see each other anymore and hhhhh

at first it feels like she'll never be able to move past her failures. she simply distracts herself from all the sorrow by keeping busy but as years go by she eventually... grows around it... there are still people to care about and causes to fight for and she is still needed and wanted and she slowly realizes that she needs to move on? and stay in the present and work for a better future. i'm starting to sound so sappy lmao but my point is!!!! she will eventually make peace with it all. even though it takes a long time. (she gets to have a heart to heart with carver too because i love these two and want healing for them!!)

#inbox #ch: frida #da2 is so tragic. sigh. i love it #also wow did i really write 4 paragraphs of text for that last one #forgive me i have can't write concisely disease and also can't stay on point disease 😔 #anyway. she really needs to chill. someone needs to grab her face n tell her to stop trying to be everyone's hero and savior all the time 😔 #oldest sibling complex amped up to eleven babey!! #anywayyyyy thanks for the ask red <333

[helloquotemyfoot]

QUOTE!!! 😍 12, 17, 21 for the weird writing asks. Any or all if you want. <3

Sorry this is a bit late!!

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

Okay wow this is mean, I can only have three? Ughhh okay I think my wishes would be 1) better focus because I'm always flicking between different WIPs and struggle to get anything done! 2) ability to write more in one go, I'm often frustrated by not being able to write more than a paragraph or two in one sitting! >.< I know it could always be worse, but a slightly larger consistent output would be nice! And I think wish 3) would be a better ability to chop enormous fic ideas down to a respectable size. I'm not even asking to not get the absurd epic-length ideas that would take most people a lifetime to write, just to be better to rationing them down to bare essentials so they're completeable in a reasonable time!

Any genies out there bored? Please? 🥺🙏

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

Haha sorry this one is going to be a disappointing answer because I'm not really good at these sorts of questions! There's always too much and too little to talk about at the same time... way too much to squeeze into one tumblr post but I'm also simultaneously like "uh. I made up a book in one chapter. and someone who wrote a response to the book" lol.

I guess my favourite bit of lore is Brigid transitioning out of a tanistry system similar to medieval Ireland, which is simultaneously how Petra is the heir apparent and her position isn't secure. But whilst that didn't make it into the WIP, I already did a lore dump author's note about that XDDD

21. Could you ever quit writing? Do you ever wish you could? Why or why not?

Honestly yeah there are absolutley times I've wished to quit writing. Last year (or was it 2020? I think it was 2020 actually. Time is a lie), I really genuinely did try to quit for good. I stopped writing, and I think told a few people to tell me to stop if I mentioned starting again. By that point I was just absolutely sick of getting into cycles of feeling awful about my writing, feeling it was stupid and useless and I was doing it all wrong and so on, which was something that happened several times a year at that point, and sometimes it felt like that feeling went on for months. I stopped wanting to feel that way, so I tried to cut out the main thing that was making me feel that way, which was writing.

Obviously, that didn't really stick, even though it hasn't been smooth sailing from then either. To be honest, I think I'm still affected from a period of bad burnout back in early 2019 and I'm not fully recovered yet, and maybe I never will be. Most of those genie wishes? Are basically just wishing to go back to my pre-2019 self when I could write a lot more, a lot more consistently, and because my output was greater, it wasn't such a chore to stay focused on one project long enough to finish it (oneshots to short multi chapter works), which increased motivation, because I was finishing more things, etc. I went from thinking of 20k fics as "short" things that could be completed in a little over a month if I knuckled down, to having to drop to a schedule for my main WIP (this is just within the past year) of only being able to write one 4-6k chapter per month on average, whilst still feeling like I had no energy to work on other things and I didn't get a break from it. And even that after a while became too much and I just had to take a hiatus from that fic, which could still be a permanent hiatus even though I hope it won't be. The difference in my abilities is staggering even years later and I constantly find myself frustrated and sometimes really disheartened by how little I can do compared to what I used to be able to do, never mind when I think of other people who write even more than that. (Before anyone says anything, no, it's not outside responsibilities, if anything I have way more free time and fewer stressors than I did back in 2019.) Burn out is not a joke.

But I don't want this to just be negative so I'll also talk about what's helped me move past the burn out to an extent as well. Part of feeling better about coming back to writing over the past year and a half or so has been coming to terms with why I am writing and no longer letting people impose expectations on why I should be writing from the outside. Trying to "write for myself", a phrase that has never made any sense to me, just led to me becoming increasingly frantic and self-loathing as I tried to find the recipe to Write The Correct Way. I did not and have never had the internal id or voice that other people seem to have which tells me what I "want" to write, so I do not instinctively "know" how to write for myself, even though this is the expectation created by that phrase. Nor do I get any pleasure out of writing what I want to read, another thing people say they mean by "writing for yourself". Sure, I sometimes enjoy reading back things I've already written, but it's not WHY I put myself through all that hard work and annoyance, there are plenty of stories that I don't write and will never write because I enjoy playing them over in my head well enough - I don't need to have a story on paper to enjoy it.

Actually just admitting and saying with my whole chest "yeah, I write for engagement. Deal with it" has been a lot healthier for me. I write because it's the way I engage with fandom as I'm not very good at doing other things to engage with fandom (I struggle with essays and putting down character analysis, can't make art or gifs, and I'm bad at just having conversations with people) and it's a good way to hear what people think of my ideas and characterisations, things I don't really have other ways of talking about. So just saying this is my reason for writing, being self-aware about it, has given me confidence to push back against the universal idea that you should "write for yourself" and I no longer feel like I'm broken or wrong for not writing fanfic the way that other people write it. Because I'm not trying to fit a square peg mindset into a round motivation hole (that metaphor works, right? Right???) I just feel a lot happier in general and I can actually maintain more self-awareness about how I'm feeling about writing, such as realising I'm getting a bit overwhelmed by my main WIP and deciding to take a break, when I'm not taking these things as signals I have not yet found The Perfect Way I Should Be Writing and so I should keep going.

To bring this back to the original question, whilst I have tried to quit/want to quit writing many times, I've never actually been able to and I don't really think that I actually can. I've been writing for about 15 years now if not a bit longer, and I think when the writing bug grabs you, it really grabs you. I don't know if this is the case for anybody else, but I genuinely feel that writing and writing fanfiction in particular has changed the way I look at the world and other media. I approach everything with a more analytical mindset, which I suppose to some people sounds un-fun, but to me it's not un-fun at all, it only makes every piece of media more fun to experience and re-experience because I can see how all the parts of it fit together...... or don't fit together in the place of plot holes or similar, but honestly, there's usually joy even in that, in noticing a plot hole but realising that in the context of the moment, in the emotions and the characters, the plot hole doesn't actually matter, it doesn't take away from the culmination of the character arc (or whatever) at all. It makes every new piece of media a chance to experience new inspiration and get new ideas, which are fun to play with even if I never end up writing them. And not just stories, but all kinds of aspects of real life can provide this inspiration. It's joyful, and it's something that's so intricately linked to my writing, that it's not something I can turn off, and equally, it's something that keeps bringing me back to writing and storytelling. So I might regret saying this, but no, I don't think I could ever quit writing any more.

All asks from THIS post.

#ask #answers #sorry for the delay!! #writing #burnout #mental health #fanfiction #why i write #this actually turned out to be pretty cathartic which might be why it's 18 million miles long sorry #writing has been a long and difficult road for me over the last few years and i think you can see my mixed feelings about it #but ultimately as the great robbie williams once said 'you gotta get high before you taste the lows' #thanks for the ask sora!!

[zet-sway]

@the-wip-project day 35:

I don't know what today's question is but I gotta write a wall of text about what happened last night because holy shit

I was on the verge of falling asleep and, like I usually do, I decided to hunt for some spicy fanfics to read on my phone. I found one.

All my posts are long but this one is real fucking long. CW for touching on dub-con and injury mentioned in the type of context it probably shouldn't be.

It's time for me to admit that not only am I a oneshot writer, I'm also a oneshot reader. I am drawn to short fanfics. If I click on a chaptered fic, it's (usually) because it's rated E for smut and I'll go in with every intention of skimming it for the spicy bits. I'm not proud of this. I've avoided saying this for years because I don't want to disappoint people who work hard on their very long and well thought out chaptered stories. I have a short attention span, and I know what I want.

But anyway, last night I clicked on a fic with 5 chapters and some amount of words, around 30k? Long, by my standards, but I was tired and I just wanted something to read while I dozed off.

This particular fic hooked me in, though. I still skimmed it, but the writing was so unique in a way that made me writhe with writer's envy and admiration. Whoever wrote this had their own language - nothing borrowed - their own vision.

I guess I should tell the good people who read my posts (ya'll, seriously, thank you) that the fic in topic is called Fault Lines by Recidiva on AO3. I would link to it but uhhhh I may be using my work PC for "extracurricular purposes" right this moment ^^; so maybe when I get home I'll remember to add it.

I skimmed it - like I said above - for the spicy parts. It generally follows the plot of Bioware's canon. Thane begins as possessive and manipulative, likely uncomfortably close to dub-con for a lot of people. He kisses her and knows full well that his kiss will make her willing but intoxicated, and how he will use that to fulfil himself. But as the story progresses, he falls in love. Their relationship is what I'll call "edgy." Both of them are renegades. There's a scene where they get down in the shuttle after a fight and they're both still injured and it borders on downright unrealistic but fuck it, it's fanfic and I bought it. However their relationship develops a certain heart-wrenching tenderness. She asks him what Siha means over and over again, and eventually tells him she thinks "bitch" when he says it. But in that moment they have a playful banter, he knows full well she's probably already looked it up on the extranet, and they fall into bed together. The smut is mind-boggling.

By the time it gets to Shepard's arrest, he's taken up a place on Earth and visits her, breaks into her house arrest. There's a scene where they see each other for the first time in a while, she tells him how much she's missed his mouth and how it's not right how bad she wants him, and wants him bad enough to smother him with affection. She says something to the effect of "if you're looking to die, I'd volunteer to be the cause," implying that her lust is powerful enough to endanger his life. And it was at this moment I realized I fucked up.

It's established that I live in my own headcanon and I'm not burdened with considering the end of Thane's life as part of my fics. And the suspension of disbelief was such that I forgot he doesn't make it. So at this moment in the fic, chapter 4 out of 5, I realized "Oh shit this isn't going to have a happy ending." I skipped to the end right away, I wanted to confirm my fears.

In their final exchange, she asks him to lie to her - something that's repeated in other chapters of the story. I forget what he says, I was reading desperately, but he asks her in return to tell him something true. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and he breathes his last breath with the lingering tingle of their kiss to carry him to the other side.

I was so entrenched in the depth of their relationship up to that point. The level of fathomless love the author conveyed, unlike anything I've ever managed to write before, but more realistic to my own understanding of love as I've experienced it. Not because they're renegades, but just the selflessness with which they feel, communicate, banter, and make love.

When I read that last paragraph, something inside me broke. That sounds dramatic but that's honestly how I would describe it. It felt like waking up from a night terror, when you bolt up in bed from a dream so bad you immediately get up even if it's 4am because nothing feels real and you're so terrified you have to get up and do something - literally anything to take your mind off it, to ease you back into reality. I put my phone down and stared into the darkness of my bedroom and told myself "it's just a fanfic, no need to get upset." And then I started to cry and I didn't stop for 30 minutes.

My husband was downstairs watching Bohemian Rhapsody and I went down there and wrapped myself around him so tight and cried. Bless this man, from the bottom of my heart - bless him - for his unfathomable kindness. I felt like a fucking fool because I was crying over fanfiction but he paused his movie and just listened while I tried to articulate how it wasn't exactly about the character death, or the characters at all, it was just the writing and how it wormed into my brain so convincingly. I felt the loss like it was my own loss. I am terrified of losing my husband. So many feelings coalesced and I realized one day I may be in that situation, kissing the man I love goodbye for the last time, never to hold him again. I'm at work right now and I'm tearing up because it's so hard.

I tip my hat to the author, but I genuinely wished I hadn't read that fanfic. And isn't it kind of funny after that grandstand I took yesterday about not wanting to write the pain of loss and grief, that I ended up reading it instead and probably fucking myself up just as badly, if not worse, than if I had tried to write it myself?

It gets worse, too. Because it got me thinking about my own writing, and how I could never hope to achieve what that author did. So I sat there crying out my painfeelings while simultaneously feeling like a shit writer and like nothing I put out matters. I got up from the couch, sat down at my PC and picked up where I left off in the Omega DLC in ME3 because video games are great for taking the mind off things. It didn't exactly help with the intensity I'd hoped for, but I managed to fall asleep, by 3am.

Fast forward to this morning. I dragged my sorry ass out of bed 4 hours later and drove to work. By some fucking miracle, no one is here right now except our field director. And I'm stewing in how this one fic really fucked me up bad, reconsidering everything. I feel like I've been put in my place.

So what changed?

Yesterday I posted about how I'm struggling to write a plotline. I know what happens, but I'm not interested in the little bits that tie it together. I want to write the romance. I think there's a way to write the plot and the romance at the same time, but it's damn hard.

I started doing this because I wanted to grow my skills as a writer, and I knew it might be more than I could chew. I'm at that moment now where I'm about ready to give up.

Even if I felt like a shit writer last night (and still kinda do this morning), I know that the stuff I've put out has value. We can't all write these epically tragic smut-romance-renegades-to-lovers tales, we'd all be sad all the damn time. There's a time and a place and - I would argue - even a need for lighterhearted fic out there. There are really no rules. I'm confident in what I know how to do.

But the plot. Fuck it, man. I think maybe I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not. I'm trying really hard to write like other people. I may have mentioned before that I saw a post about how many artists spend their time pining for the skills of others, thinking "wow, when I can draw like that, I'll have made it as an artist." That same post cautioned against this, basically saying you already have your own unique style, it's just harder to see through the lens of your own eyeballs. It's fine to challenge yourself but try to acknowledge what you do that sets you apart already. I feel like I have that something - maybe not to the extent that I wish, but I have something.

So what's the point of the plot? Why do I need to tell my readers how I cured Keprals? I'm asking myself important questions here. I like to think I've come up with ideas that no one else has, but as I said above, I don't read a lot of chaptered fics. I very well may have come to the same ideas as other writers and I'm not even aware of it. I don't know if my ideas are unique but I still arrived at them all by myself.

The challenge here - the thing I'm struggling so much with - is how to put them together with the same elegance of my fellow writers. I'm looking at you, shrios fam (yeah I'm calling you that, yall know who you are). I know I can write words, but it's like I have a bunch of pieces from completely different jigsaw puzzles and I'm struggling to make a new picture out of them. I struggle with the transitions between them.

The point here is I have to find my own way. And I have to stop taking myself so seriously. In fact this level of "seriousness" is one of the things that got me into so much angst over World of Warcraft over the last two years. At least I know how to recognize it.

I have to find my own way. I have my own things that are worth sharing. The author I read last night had a language all their own, and I have a language all my own too. Their wordplay was actually more choppy than I would ever write. I've talked before about how I'm scared of starting too many sentences with pronouns, how I maybe write too many run-on sentences, whatever. This author did that with reckless abandon. It worked for them. So if they can make that shit work, I can make my own shit work.

I have to find my own way.

My most current WIP is Thane and Shepard's first time. I've been working on it pretty nonchalantly because I hadn't intended to publish it until I built up to it. It takes place further into my timeline, and it would probably ruin the point of a slow burn if I put it out there now. There are some really memorably moments in this WIP, and there are other moments that need to be smoothed over as well. I never knew what I'd really imagined for their first time but I think I've mostly developed something that's unique in its own right, and I think will be fun for people to read.

I'm just so fucking torn over what to do with it. I feel guilty for working on it. I should be writing "other shit" leading up to it but I don't fucking want to. I actually wrote probably 2-3k words this weekend, which is a pretty staggering amount by my standards. Some of it was for this smutty WIP and some was for something I just threw together, Thane observing Shepard on Horizon and the emotional toll it takes on her. He's seeing her humanity. I don't know if it's worth it to continue but I wrote a lot of it and the words are more precise than usual for a draft, I don't know. I have so much fucking insecurity. Fuck dude. I want to write this longfic, but I don't want to write it. I want to skim to the spicy bits like I always do.

I am wracked with insecurity, of my own making. I know what I can do but I feel compelled to see this idea through. Somehow I have to find my own way.

TLDR I feel like if I don't publish something soon I'm going to burst and I don't even know what the fuck to work on first and fjslfjsojoiejrj

I would be really down for, like, a bunch of hugs and a bowl of ice cream shared over memes and fanservice.

#this post is EXTREMELY fucking long send help #ITT: i read something that probably changed my brain chemistry for a few hours and it's painful #zet vs 100days #i'm just glad to get this off my chest good lord #anyway if people want to send me links to their favorite shrios fluff i would welcome it

[anincorrectpetunia]

But the note. The note. The fucking note...

y'all had feelings and I loved them:

But the note. The note. The fucking note. gutted me! I am amazed at how you can weave these big words (that i admittedly look up sometimes) and also able to make me feel sucker punched with these three sentences. I love it. I love both.--@ugotpoped

I'm glad you enjoyed that note. I will confess that the last scene was one of 3 scenes that held up the update, because I couldn't access the Fitz character because of my own...stuff going on. I knew that letter was key to they way the whole scene would evolve. Olivia couldn't feel him if I couldn't feel him.

Ugotpoped, thank you for saying the part in parentheses. I am not a poser;I just love words--but only if they feel right . And I make sure to mix in everyday vernacular and some jokes, too, along with the sentimental and lyrical. I'm glad you're responding well to my brew.

Wow, that letter! That letter is exquisitely written and it said everything. It brought tears to my eyes. I can see why it made Liv emotional. He apologized, praised her for her accomplishments, and gave her a meaningful and thoughtful gift. She cried. She cried because he didn’t seem angry with her and wasn’t petty like she was in her letter to him. But she cried mostly because of the tone and sense of finality to it all. He wished her well. I can’t stop crying as I write this review. It’s all happy tears though cause this is so well written and so well put together. ... This letter brings me back to the show when Fitz told her he was “letting her go” because that’s what she wanted and he walked away leaving her sitting at the restaurant crying. That moment by the way broke me till today. However, this letter is so much more powerful and tear-jerking and emotional than anything shonda did. It’s just everything to me. And it’s everything to Liv. She now lost any hope that he still wanted to be with her after the way she behaved towards him and after everything she had said to him. She finally realized that she wasn’t really moving on with her life. She was in denial about everything up until she read the letter.--@Olitzloverforever /@edelineSchneid3

It is amazing that the letter touched you so much. Thank you. Yeah, I think the letter allowed her to unleash a lot of what was pent up inside about him, even after she was moving forward in the other areas of her life. Remember,

unlike with Edison and Cyrus, she didn't resolve much with Fitz. She literally reduced her emotional outpouring down from a four page letter to a 4 line paragraph. To me that said she wasn't done, but was not ready to move forward with him. I think she's still trying to understand what's holding her back. But I feel like a door has been cracked open.

I also love how she keeps his notes. Does she put them in a box and take them out and read them? Will we find out, P? --@aprillea

One thing I hope you noticed is that we first see Liv leave Fitz a note in Episode 2. We learn that he finds them endearing, even when she could easily text him some of it. So, you think she's the one that started it. But...

Episode 7 shows us the true genesis. Now, as to whether she keeps them in a box, and Fitz knows this, or knows that her note-leaving is related to what he started...

We shall see. Stay tuned in the present storyline.

#olitz fan fiction #responding to reviews

[rigelmejo]

April Progress Update, and May Goals:

*bear with me this is gonna get long.

I’m going to first just look at April goals and see if I did them, then afterward summarize everything I did this month (cause it was a lot more than I planned ToT)

Chinese study plan from April:

1. Read anything 

Well, I did read. However my goal to read hanshe to chapter 80 and Zhenhun to the end of the sundial arc never happened. I did read a lot though. I ended up focusing mainly on extensive reading. 

Chinese chapters read: 62 (I counted graded readers/小王子 as 1 chapter for every two that I read, but this number is probably still inflated... compared to my normal 20-pleco page chapters I probably read 31-40 of those-kind-of-chapters length wise).

Chinese stories finished: 4 (Pleco Graded Reader Butterfly Lovers, Chinese Short Stories, Mandarin Companion Journey to the Center of the Earth, 小王子 - you can tell this is where my attention went this month).

Chinese Listening Reading Method chapters done: 14.5 (4.5 Silent Reading, 2 Chapters of A History of Humankind, 1 chapter hp, 1 chapter Alice in Wonderland, iffy but like 3 chapters 小��子, iffy but like 4 chapters of the Xiao Mao cat story - I should note that for Silent Reading, 小王子, Xiao Mao I only looked at the chinese mostly so more step 2, and for the others I did step 3 as recommended). Also I realize... I should probably count this with hours instead of chapters, because hours are where the original poster about LR mentioned when milestones are hit. However, being realistic, I do not do things in hour segments so I’m not sure any tracking will be as easy as this way...

A cool thing potentially about L R Method? I found some resources recently that will make this a lot easier (Bidiread is a site that can make parallel texts for you, which made silent reading MUCH easier since the audio doesn’t perfectly match so you NEED to see the chinese even if only doing step 3, to make sure you can keep track of where you are in the text when the audio skips paragraphs). I also found Francais Par Le Methode Nature as videos on youtube with audio and the text visible (is that not simply L R method step 2 but its all comprehensible, i love that book). And I found a few files on youtube of audiobooks with english audio and chinese/english parallel text on screen (a bit backwards in process but i’m curious to test it), one youtube channel who does chinese audio with parallel texts on screen (phenomenal!), and I remembered the site bilinguis exists which is excellent for French if you wanna try L R Method (it has a few french audios with the parallel texts). Also in the case of A History of Humankind - the audiobook for once is very closely synced to the actual chapter start/ends, so it was just easier to do L R Method with. 

2. Listen to Chinese Spoonfed Audio, shadowing when I can

YES I did this! I was on 11 last month, now I’m on 15. (so 4 audio this month) Yes I realize that wasn’t a lot of improvement T-T. What can I say I am not very good at being disciplined. However I did learn something interesting this month ABOUT listening to these so I think I might do it more - I listened to some in the background while playing games, then later listened to them again (also why I only got through 4 - I was replaying audios maybe 2 times). And when I listened the second time I could understand nearly all, whereas obviously when playing my game I only caught parts of it. So I suppose what this showed me is partially listening and partially focusing still may have some benefit in helping to learn the info - and well obviously its easier to make time to play audio when u don’t need to focus 100% on it.  

I also did some other misc listening to random stuff without any plan: 6? audio 1 of DeFrancis Beginner Chinese Reader, 1 audio of FSI Chinese, 2 condensed audios of Guardian (which was so cool?? also so cool i can follow along so well now??), 1 dracula chapter audio (don’t even ask i don’t know either), tian ya ke audio drama ep 1.

Chinese show episodes watched: 28 (You can see here is where my time went listening wise lol - Two Souls in One is GOOD u might wanna check it out, is all I’m saying, especially if the taiwan drama Bromance was ur thing, or the anime Ouran Host Club, or even Bureau of Transformer to a degree. I watched up to ep 25 and once its all aired to the finale I’m gonna finish it. 

Optional going through my hanzi book: I burned out on this, but it was a good use of my time when I felt like writing. I only wrote/studied maybe 30 hanzi, and maybe 50 hanzi+radicals in my Radical-Specific hanzi book. If I continue, I think my goal will be to just continue the Radical-book to completion. Realistically, longer term, I need to go through the freaking Alan Hoenig’s Chinese Character’s book just to get the hanzi and their rough meaning to stick in my head (and learn the pronunciations through well context and vocab how I normally do). Right now I just learn through reading, but its an issue of sometimes I just end up associating one hanzi with the new word I learned but then as soon as I see it in a new word I don’t even remember having seen it before. If I paid a bit more attention to distinguishing I might notice when I’ve seen them before or they’re new, and have more starting info to relate to the character to attach the word info onto. (its a convoluted way of me saying if I have things to connect to each other I remember better even if it makes little sense to connect them - if I know car and pet, carpet’s easier to remember even though it has nothing to do with cars, cry in french ‘pleurer’ was easier to remember once my brain thought ‘plume of tears’ even though that makes no sense. i just remember things better than seeing pleurer and having no idea what to attach it to at all - even if i heard it means cry, if i don’t have a thing to associate it with i’ll forget easier. or melancholy - i had to associate it with melons, and cholly - reminds me of words for sickness so heavy-sick +sad is how i started finally remembering that word cause wow did i look it up over and over as a kid).

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Japanese study plan from April:

1. continue through nukemarine’s memrise courses. 

Okay I did do this!! Congrats! In March I had completed LLJ 3 - Kanji, 289/318 finished in LLJ 4 Tae Kim part 1. As of April, I have completed: LLJ 4 Part 1, LLJ 4 Part 2 51/365, LLJ 5  Core Vocabulary 420/1020. So yeah! Going quite well, in that I consistently did it - I realized for me the best time to do it is playing video games oddly enough, or watching youtube - just do it in between areas, or ep scenes/videos, as a short 5-10 minute break. Since I like taking breaks from things anyway. Like audio, its hard for me to find ways to get myself to do stuff like this (except worse cause I don’t vibe with flashcards).

My goal for May will probably be finish LLJ 4 Part 2, LLJ 5, and start LLJ 6? I can dream right...

Also, a cool note: I found audio-flashcard files that people made of the Japanese Core 2k vocabulary deck and sentences, with english-japanese audio. (If anyone wants a link just let me know). So now if I DO eventually get burned out on flashcards, I could switch to using those. They would work about as well as the Chinese Spoonfed Audio files I have (which work extremely well for me - audio flashcards I just listen to are so much more suited to how I study lol). However, I’d like to stick with Nukemarine’s decks as long as possible while I can focus - they cover grammar explicitly which helps me a lot, and the reading practice COMBINED with constant audio really helps me learn the readings of words. Which is something I need for japanese a LOT more than chinese.

2. continue reading Tae Kim’s grammar guide 

Ahahahahaaa hahaaa... did not do it. Nope.

What I did do that was grammar related:

Watched Cure Dolly lessons 1-5 (and will probably watch more as I seem to click well with those explanations)

Read 24 pages of Japanese in 30 Hours while transcribing actual japanese into it (and will probably continue to read it, its so short I should just DO IT in a couple days, it also fulfilled my desire to write stuff)

JapaneseAudioLessons.com - read the wa vs ga explanation, reading the portable japanese grammar notes document right now (its 11 pages I’ll finish it today). I’ve said it before but i really LOVE this resource, and they have so much for free. I absolutely recommend if a beginner wants Pimsleur or Michael Thomas or some other paid resource etc, to just go to this site, download their full lesson grammar guide (its like 311 pages like a real textbook) and go through all their free audio lessons. You will cover a lot of ground (more than Pimsleur or Michael Thomas), and all for free. In addition, I’ve bought some of their kanji teaching books and they’re overall my favorite for remembering kanji specifically (yes more than Heisig’s RTK by far, and more than KKLC - although the Kodanshi book is a good reference to have around). I’m not kidding at all when I say just try this site’s free resources if you’re trying to use free stuff, its the closest I’ve found to an audio only teaching method, or an audio/textbook-like combo, that’s this much stuff and free. (For non free, I actually liked Genki if you do everything in it).

Other misc things done in japanese:

Watched Dracula the Musical in japanese with no subs. It was super hard, but also not so hard. It changed my life. 1000/10 would recommend watching it if you even remotely like dracula OR vampires - featuring a lesbian Dracula/Mina, and more importantly a story change about who kills Dracula, and Dracula and Mina’s agency and choice being the driving force of the ending. These story changes I LOVE and I now want them in more adaptations moving forward, its what I always craved of the ending of Dracula and never got - Dracula as a person (not monster), Mina as a person (not prey), and their choices influencing how the story ends and by whom (versus Van Helsing/the establishment symbol regaining control through annihilation of the ‘threat’ to that norm). Also it gave me a new interest in Japanese plays which is cool. I did not expect to love them this much! Also gave me a boost in japanese confidence, in that I no longer feel as “scared” to try immersing in japanese or in some kinds of content that seemed ‘harder’ - and that was a big hurdle I was too afraid to do, in the past when I studied.

Watched a few more lets plays (lets guess maybe 3-5 sections of 20 minutes?). Persona 2 innocent sin (cool to see me follow along despite not knowing the game), Final Fantasy IX (this one I saved, and could definitely pick up words from since I know some of the story and the lets player read everything - I should look up FFX), random stuff. 

Tried to play some games in japanese! I’m going to go with this was about 3 hours. I tried crisis core’s opening to the first save point - it was playable (I can read most of the menus), and I can follow enough text to get the overall gist - however it was draining as so much is text only (I FORGOT how much reading is in this game). Great for reading practice I suppose. Also great in that it definitely reset my expectations about what is ‘doable’ for me - however I do think KH2 is probably still the easiest game i should start trying games with (since I have so many of the controls/menu memorized and can waste less time re-reading the tutorials), and since I know so many words by memory I’ll be able to focus more on grammar (whereas in CC I was glancing through kanji trying to keep up with the live action scenes). A bit too much reading for me to tackle again for a while, it was draining lol. Then I tried persona 3 for psp - first, i like the ps2/ps3 version better ToT. Second, also somehow I could read enough to survive - but the reading again took time, a lot isn’t voiced, and there are not frequent save points. So again I just played to the first save point. That one I may try again before CC though, because a lot more of the language is daily life stuff I could glance through and speed-read-guess lol, or could actually use if I learned it. Also occassionally p3 reads out loud which is nice. I suspect the Visual Novel I got will actually be best for practice (despite me not knowing the plot at all), because I’m guessing more of the lines will be voiced. All this reading would help me more if I could hear it voiced - and I may want to watch more Lets Plays, and Audiobooks on youtube, mainly for that fact: subtitles that i can read WITH audio so i can practice listening and reading together.

Tried reading a bit! First, some mangas I had (though I only read a page of each) - mainly it was just nice to see mangas are more accessible now. they’re about as readable to me rn as manhua were in chinese at 6-8 months in. I can just about follow the main gist, more if I use a dictionary for details. Also thanks to @yue-muffin​ telling me, learned I can look up words on iphone in the web browser just by highlighting words and clicking “look up.” Life changing. That in combination with me finding some japanese scripts of Final Fantasy games online (and I’ve always been curious what localizations changed), and this has been a little reading I found myself doing just because i felt like it. I didn’t read much - the equivalent of several dialogue boxes (the games i played made me read a LOT more lol). but I liked that i could see their kana when i looked them up, sound the sentences out to myself, contemplate them (so intensive read). Also if you have Speech tools enabled on your phone, you can swipe down with 2 fingers and it will read the page aloud - I used to do that a little with chinese on dual chinese-englist mtlnovel pages since it WILL read both, but Pleco reads chinese better so unless i’m only-listening i switched to pleco for that. But for these scripts it works great! (occasionally it will read all-kanji titles like chinese though lol - not once its into japanese sentences though). I thought it was really cool I could basically emulate what I do in Pleco for chinese, in a normal web browser for Japanese. (Also, for websites, Idiom app seems to work ok for reading Aloud as well - possibly better - but ios iphone “Look up” dictionaries are MUCH better than Idiom app’s).

In summary basically I surprisingly enjoyed reading and might keep trying to do it just because its interesting. However in general, first: I really want 2k words done in Nukemarine’s LLJ courses (LLJ 7 would put me at 1k common words, LLJ 12 would put me at 2k so...), and I’d really like a better grammar foundation (Cure Dolly, or japanese audio lessons grammar, Nukemarine LLJ also obviously fits that task with the grammar portions, really anything). While I want to play games, again I just really realize... how much easier my life will be with a better basis of knowledge first lol. Reading I can do in bite size if I want, but playing games is Draining in between saves right now lol. While i CAN do it right now, unless its a game i really can tune out with (like KH2 maybe) then its just too intensive right now for me to tolerate too much of.

Also, again, I think doing Nukemarine’s LLJ decks as breaks while playing games/watching stuff is working great, going to keep doing that. And listening to audio flashcard files while I have dead time (like level grinding). I have been listening to the Chinese Spoonfed audio, but other options could be: the english-japanese Core 2k audio files, the Japanese Audio Lessons files (which once years ago I’d listen to while excerising). For now I’ve focused on Chinese Spoonfed audio because I know I need to FINISH something before jumping to something else lol. 

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French stuff I did in April:

Listened to 6 chapters of Francais Par Le Methode Nature (and read some of them - oh i missed this book its my fave way to learn and it finally has audio!!)

listened to some bits of audiobooks (i don’t even know why, i don’t know - dracula, frankenstein, carmilla, sherlock)

read a little of Le Petit Prince (idk 3 chapters? browsing my book after finishing in chinese and... ok my heart is still a bit ;-; ... i’m gonna need to recover from this story...)

read a bit of dracula (again... idk why... also it was kind of a L R Method step 2 attempt in that I listened to audio too, but really I mainly just... read)

L R Method: 2 Chapters of Alice in Wonderland (step 2, because I have not tried step 3 yet). 

What is funny as hell to me is both how many words I look up when I contemplate intensive reading (again life changed by the fact i can just highlight words and click “word lookup” on my phone). But also how I already... know I can thoroughly read without doing it. Like... yes I can look up a word I fuzzy-know to get clarification, but even my phone auto-gives me french-french dictionary first and sometimes only (is it because my google is in french), i’ve been used to french definitions only for years.. and also like... i know when i read a whole paragraph i get whatever words were fuzzy before? just read some of dracula again today and its fine. its fine. again informational texts are easier for me - but dracula being a lot of letters ‘describing what happened’ suits me quite easily (and somehow manages to be less annoying to me than the english version). like... alice in wonderland was probably the harder for all the quick adjectives/verbs used in just one or two paragraphs when i was still re-remembering vocabulary i used to know lol. Like... in a dream world i’d love to test L R Method and see HOW MUCH it can teach a person. But like... while french would be the easiest to test it with? I kind of realize i’m also at a point in french where i have more benefit just continuing to read in french and listen in french (to fix my poor listening skills). referencing the english is not really... particularly necessary, it just usually slows me down. while i’m missing a LOT of words for fluent speaking/grammatically ok speaking - i don’t think listening reading method would really help me with that, since reading sure hasn’t. if any readng material might it’s francais par le methode nature just because it drills simple correct grammar construction, and reinforces it, and teaches grammar through context. but all my other reading materials... are more comprehension... 

Anyway in SUMMARY wow i did a lot more than i expected this month!

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Next months goals!

Chinese May Goals:

***Read anything. Great plan, has been working great. Ideally I would like to: finish Xiao Mao book one, and then either continue another Xiao Mao novel or start one of the other stories rated 2+ ease. I am considering  许三观卖血记 because its about as easy as the little prince, I’ve read an excerpt and its historical fiction so generally practical. Or  流星·蝴蝶·剑 by Gu Long if I want to work on a base in wuxia words from an easier novel. Or  他们的故事 by 一根黄瓜丝儿 if I’m ready to return to it - although this one is longer (the other stories being more like 12-20 chapters) so I’d prefer to save this for later. For any of these - look words up as desired since I’ll read them in Pleco. Ideally as my ‘harder’ reading I would like to either continue hanshe (intensive reading), or continue guardian (extensive reading) - so its a matter of if I want to look words up.

***Continue listening to Chinese Spoonfed Audio (please can i Finish it please ;-;)

Optional: experiment with Listening Reading Method. With the finding of those videos on youtube, I’d like to make my life literally as easy and streamlined as possible and literally just TEST L R Method by doing it with a few of the videos I found. It literally cannot get easier than premade videos with audio.

Other optional: listen to misc audio (I would love the time to watch the tian ya ke audiodrama WITH its subtitles then listen without again), watch shows, read Alan Hoenig’s Chinese Characters (i doubt this will happen), do some of my Radical-hanzi book. 

Japanese May Goals:

***Continue: Nukemarine’s LLJ courses - ideally finish LLJ 4 Part 2, LLJ 5, and start LLJ 6. (this truly can be basically my only study method if I can’t do more). THIS IS THE PRIORITY. The quicker I get ALL of this done, the more of a foundation I will have to do Anything else.

Hopefully: Continue some kind of grammar explanation beyond Nukemarine’s stuff - either Tae Kim (unlikely but i was at chapter 10 before), Cure Dolly (i’m on 6), Japanese Audio Lessons Grammar, Japanese in 30 Hours while writing japanese in (I’m on page 24). Again this is a higher priority as it will make anything else easier.

Optional: Reading in any form - so video game time, lets plays, audiobook youtube with captions, actual reading as desired (like scripts). Including this because I know I will eventually try again lol.

Optional: listening in any form - so another musical! maybe listen to japanese audio lessons, or the core 2k audio, or a lets play, etc. I find I’m probably less likely to listen to something but it might happen!

French May Goals*:

*aka if I feel like doing it because french has no real goals at the moment! -3-)/

***Continue watching Le Francais Par Le Methode Nature videos. (There’s only 33, they’re like 10 minutes long or less, its about basics, PLEASE). I remember this book took forever to read 1/3 of when i was an upper beginner, well now surely its less slow going? especially because read aloud its as fast as the speakers voice! so it is not time consuming and i’ve wanted to finish this book forever! i could at least finish it up to where the audio files match to!

Read???? Read??? Honestly I’ve just been wanting to read Dracula and Carmilla in French its a vibe I’ve been in. Its not high priority or anything but hey it might happen. If it does happen, ideally I’d like to listen to an audiobook too around the same time (maybe after, or have the page read, idk). Just because while reading refreshes my vocab, what I really want to build up is listening/pronunciation. To get to a point where I can listen and shadow would be nice. 

Tied to above, try L R Method? Not a high priority, though it would be super easy to test! Just because I already started testing it with Alice in Wonderland... but that basically amounts to just reading practice with audio again, for me.

I found Merlin in french so THAT is a thing.

Honestly the only thing I really want to do ‘study’ wise in french is finish that freaking book, especially now that I can listen to audio with it. It’s a nice foundation and I’d really like a refresher/fill in any big gaps in my learning. Anything else about french written here is mostly a reminder to myself to LISTEN to audio when possible, and try and improve that skill a bit if I go and read. 

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Real fast CORE SUMMARY:

Chinese: READ easier stories rated 2+ and keep getting through some, in combination with reading the harder hanshe and Guardian. Also listen to Chinese Spoonfed audio whenever u remember! Attempt some L-R method with the youtube videos you found. Immerse as desired.

Japanese: continue Nukemarine LLJ courses. Also do some grammar study somewhere, and immerse as desired.

French: listen/listen-read to Francais Par Le Methode Nature. Also read/listen as desired - ideally combining the activities.

*in all cases, where possible, combine listening-reading or try to practice both skills. (So reading in Pleco - play audio afterward to practice, play Guardian condensed audio in down time, with audiodramas follow subs when possible, when immersing with anything try L-R like strategies to add practice with both skills). 

#rant #april progress #april goals #may study plan #study plan #may goals #may #what i learned from this is... i have no fucking structure guys #im a mess i just do Whatever #only thing close to ANY structure is that with chinese im fairly consistent about reading #someone help me come up with a cleaner study plan? #or is the fact just that this is Just how i study??? #do i just need to bounce and do random stuff?

[blue-eyes-and-auburn-hairr]

Second Chances Chp. 4

Disclaimer: Okay, I got more notes than I thought I ever would, so while the world is quarantined...I wrote another part.

Warning: Mention of death, fluff, I don’t want to mislead anyone this will very much be a slowburn

Summary: Can you imagine being widowed at such a young age to a man you thought you’d have forever with? On the anniversary of his death, on top of a mountain, Thea and Chris begin their new journey together.

(I want to experiment with a different perspective if its trash I’ll redo this chp. )

Thea had no idea why it was so hard to ghost this guy. It should be easy, they hung out for half a day a week ago. He should already have her out of his head, but no he still continues to call. 

“Ms. Mulligan I finished reading the chapter what should I do now?” Thea’s 3rd period reading support class was currently working on finishing their novel. She would typically read to them but her mind had been scattered all week. 

“Kay, why don’t you draw a picture of your favorite chapter so far on the smartboard?” Thea prompts, knowing that Kay loves to draw and she really is interested in the novel...even if she won’t admit it. 

“Can I listen to music, puhleaseee?” She spins around with a great big smile on her face. 

“As long as you don’t blast it and its not that Billie Eye Lash person,” Thea rolls her eyes with a smirk knowing what would follow. 

“Mully, you’re embarrassing yourself you know her name is Billie Eilish because I’ve stalked your Spotify playlist, right Kai?” Kai, who was too busy reading the next chapter to even look up when she responds, “Yeah Mully, we are currently working on one of those mixtapes for you so be prepared.” 

The nickname Thea fought for a good three months but finally caved when her co-workers started using it as well. As for the Spotify stalking, not surprised more impressed and she was now looking forward to the next mixtape they give her. 

Last semester, Thea assigned the class a project that required them to find a song to coincide with each chapter of their novel. The students also had to write one paragraph explaining why they choose each song. That was when the revolting started for about 20 minutes until Andrew, in the back of the class, had enough and shouted, “She is legit letting us listen to music all class period and write like 10 paragraphs for a week. The other students have to write an essay on like literary devices or something and they had to read the book all by themselves.” 

“Legit?” Kay announced shocked.

“Legit Kay, legit,” Thea sighs, “Also we have like 78 words on the word wall can we work on using one of those instead of ‘legit’?” 

“Bet.” Kai says with her hand in the air and at that point, Thea just puts her head down silently laughing. 

Her phone buzzed on her desk again, this time it was just a CNN update but the missed call was still staring her in the face. All Thea has felt since that night was guilt. She felt like she was cheating on Jamie and all they did was hug before getting in their own cars and driving away. The bubble burst though on the drive home when the waterworks wouldn’t stop and she had to pull over on the side of the road almost three times. 

And then Sunday morning, her phone rings and she watches as it goes to voicemail and then it vibrates again with a voicemail. She stares at her phone for a few more minutes before playing the message. 

Hey Thea, I just wanted to call and check in on you. You never messaged me when you got home last night and I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Leaving West Point now and you were right I think I definitely made the guard’s day.  I’m sure you are busy getting ready for the school day tomorrow but if you have a second to talk I’m around. Okay, take care now. 

He called one more time that evening but no message. It was now Friday and Thea had five missed calls and two messages in total. She did not know how to process all of this and she had been burying herself in work trying to stay busy avoiding the topic. She did that with most things and she knew it wasn’t going to end well and that she was being selfish. So she picked up her phone and tried to type out a text, but then the bell rang and the class started to pack up. 

“Okay, guys I’ll see most of you in 7th and 8th for Math, make sure to have your homework notebook, hint, hint hint,” Thea says with a wink. She knew their anxiety would soar if they walked in not knowing about a homework check so she always made sure she casually mentioned something to them. Her co-teacher was not a fan of this, but her kids, her decision. 

Thea now had a prep period and then lunch to try and sort out all of her thoughts. She even had time to call Chris back, but she did not trust herself to keep her emotions in check, especially while at work. 

Hey Chris, Sorry for the disappearing act. I’m still just trying to process everything and work has kept me occupied. Can we talk tonight? Text, call or even facetime if that’s easier.  Sorry again. 

Chris’ phone finally vibrated in his pocket as he was walking out of a bagel shop in New York City. He was supposed to make his way to Boston to see his family after his trip upstate but that was sidetracked by some work stuff. 

His new movie, “Captain America: Civil War was being released in a few weeks and he had a few talk shows and then the Lower Manhattan premiere was on May 4th. He knew he was going to be in town for some time now and wanted to see Thea again. 

She just didn’t want to see him. 

He had no idea what he did wrong and wanted a chance to see her and explain that. So when she finally answered him back he wasn’t sure how to respond. He would prefer to talk in person but did not want to upset her or whatever else he may have done. He tried to call his brother for some advice but that call went to voicemail as well, but his mom picked up on the first ring. 

“Chris, honey you okay?” 

“Yeah Ma, I just needed a little advice and Scott didn’t answer,” he admits to his mother.

“Well, why would you call him before me? Does he give better advice or somethin’?” This was a rabbit hole Chris would very much like to avoid. 

“It’s about a girl Ma, he already knows most of the back story,” Chris sighs through the phone.

“Ahh, so this is about the girl you met on the hike, well more like Dodger found, who you had to call your brother about in the bathroom while on a date with her?” 

“Wait what? We weren’t on a date and wow did he really tell you everything?” Chris says in complete shock. “And let the record show that I called him when SHE was in the bathroom.”

“Of course he did, I’m his mother, he tells me everything” cue the eye roll. 

“Okay Ma, and yes I called Scott, obviously that was a mistake,” Chris chuckles “He apparently blabbed everything.” Chris still wasn’t sure why he called his brother when Thea went to the bathroom, he just was so happy for the first time in a while that he needed to tell someone.

“So this is the girl that you’re going to marry, huh?” His mother bluntly states, causing Chris to almost drop his phone. 

“What the fuck did Scott say? Who said anything about marriage? We talked for like four hours and she has been avoiding me all week.”

“Scott said you were going on and on about how you finally ‘found her’ which is why he called me 20 seconds after hanging up with you.” Thank goodness for the ballcap and the glasses or all of NYC would see the flushed cheeks of Christopher Evans. 

“Okay, can we circle back to that whole topic later? Or maybe after I have a word with my kid brother. How do I ask her to meet up with me tonight when she only wanted to talk on the phone? Is that too forward? Should I just say yes to the phone call?” Chris continued to ramble to his mother. 

“It can’t hurt to ask,” such a simple response and yet it was perfect. “Just mind your manners, you were raised better Christopher.”

“Thanks, Ma,” Chris says finally smiling because he has a plan. 

“And if you need to call anyone on this date, call me not your brother,” she chuckles on the phone. “Love you and let me know how it goes.”

“Love you too”

Hey Thea, a phone call would be perfect unless you would want to meet up in person? I’m still in New York and would really like to see you again. If you wanted to meet in the city or someplace by you...whatever is easier. 

Thea wanted to act like she was shocked by the message but she understood. Jamie and her relationship started out as long-distance, so when you have the opportunity to see someone in person you jump. 

She didn’t know if she was ready for all of this, but she also knew it wasn’t fair to Chris. They needed to talk and put all of their cards on the table.

I would like to see you again too, but whatever is easier for you.

Long Beach is about an hour train ride to the city, but not sure would be better for you with people and stuff. 

You could also come here and we could get some ice cream and take a walk on the boardwalk? If that doesn’t sound too cliche...

The bell is going to ring so no rush we can figure this out after school. 

Thea finally stopped blowing up his phone by her overthinking and put her phone in her bag for the rest of the school day. 

The afternoon went by in a flash, Thea waited until she got into her car after school to look at her phone. 

Not cliche at all, that sounds perfect. I can be to you by 7, just send me the address of the ice cream shop 

Thea forwarded the address and then made her way home. She had a few hours to kill before she would see Chris so she tried to busy herself with things to do to prevent the overthinking. 

Chris on the other head couldn’t stop the overthinking and the worst-case scenarios that played out in his head. He has so many things to worry about with the movie and all the press but he cannot get her beautiful smile out of his head. 

He just didn’t know what it was about her, everything about Thea just seemed authentic. She had been dealt such a tough hand that would make any person cold and distant, but she still wears her heart on her sleeve.  Even Dodger could see her genuine soul and stepped in to defend her when we were on the mountain. Chris just wanted to get to know her better, he thought he might miss out on something unbelievable if he just walked away. He also understood that she was still so hurt and wanted to help her in any way that he could. 

Chris thought about that while driving down to the ice cream shop and pulling into the parking lot a few minutes early. He spotted Thea as she was laying down a blanket in the trunk of her Jeep. He could only see the back of her and he was glad she was wearing something comfy and casual. It made him feel better about his jeans and t-shirt that took him an hour to finally commit too. He parked his car and made his way over to her, he closed his truck door loudly and called her name so he didn’t startle her. She didn’t turn around, she was too busy struggling with her own nerves. She had been fixing this blanket for a good 10 minutes and trying to decide whether or not it was lame and if she should scrap the whole idea. She didn’t even have a clue that Chris was behind her for a few minutes before she actually turned around with a jump. 

“Sorry, I was trying so hard not to scare you but you didn’t respond when I called your name a few times,” stumbled with his words. 

Thea kept a hand over her heart trying to steady her breathing and when it was finally calmed she looked up to see Chris’ concerned expression. 

Thea couldn’t help but laugh, “Well you looked like the last time we met too, only I had a knife in my hand and yet you look more scared now.” 

And just like that the tension that had worried them both had broken as Thea walked over to give Chris a big hug. They make there way over to the line and ordered two sundaes and then head back to her car. 

“I figured we could sit here while we ate our ice cream and then head to the boardwalk, its a few minutes away but I didn’t want the sundaes to melt” 

Chris continues staring at his ice cream trying to find a way to ask the question that had been driving him crazy all week. He didn’t know how to phrase it without making the situation worse. 

Thea scoots back into the car and sits like a pretzel, “So let’s talk about it before the elephant in the room gets any bigger.” Thea used to be all about beating around the bush but after everything that happened, time is one thing you can never get back. 

“Did I do something to upset you? I have been trying to figure out why you didn’t answer and I am coming up short” Chris admits finally looking away from his ice cream. 

“You did nothing wrong and I don’t want to sound like an asshole when I say that this had nothing to do with you,” Thea says while running her fingers through her hair. Chris sits patiently giving her a second to collect her thoughts. 

“I want to explain this right, so please take everything I say with a grain of salt because I am bound to put my foot in my mouth” Thea sets the stage with a disclaimer because she is absolutely terrified of the direction this could go. 

“You know that feeling when you are exercising or playing a sport and your breaths are coming shorter and the tightness in your chest is growing? You can still breath but it’s a struggle and you cannot wait for it to subside? And then finally you stop and you catch your breath and the air in your lungs fills again and you know you are going to be okay?” Chris nods along to Thea’s analogy trying to see where she was going with this. 

Thea takes a second to collect her words again, “Chris, I have been trying to catch my breath for three years now and no outlet, no resource, nothing was helping. The panic attacks while I was awake and even when I was sleeping, I just couldn’t...” Thea tries to collect herself shaking the tears from eyes refusing to let them spill. “And then I ask Jamie for a sign that it’s okay for me to stop running and I turn around and there you were” Thea clears her throat again.

“And Chris, I finally started breathing again.”

“Then we hugged and I got in my car and started to drive away and all at once it was gone and my lungs were aching and I was terrified and lost all over again” Chris is not sure at what point he reached for her hand but he was gently squeezing it as Thea continued to shake her head. 

“Out of nowhere, I was angry at myself that I let this happen and how I was a fool for thinking I could be normal again.” Thea pulled her hand away, “I woke up to the text you sent me and then the guilt set in. I felt guilty being happy with you and wanting to answer you and then guilty because I was not being fair to you and then guilty because we only knew each other for a few hours and I was giving so much power to something that wasn’t real.”  She swirls the melting ice cream in her lap, “and now I am just sad because sitting here with you right now with all these emotions I am breathing just fine.”

“And I am scared of what will happen next.” 

Chris had no idea how to react to all of this, she had so many layers and so much going on and unintentionally he hurt her. Thea was right though this wasn’t about him but the fact that he was helping and hurting her at the same time was making his head spin. Nothing was sitting right with him and maybe ice cream wasn’t the best choice because his stomach was churning. 

“I don’t know what to say, the thought that I am causing you pain, it makes me sick. Why would you say this isn’t real though?”

“Chris,” Thea sighs “I don’t know, you’re you and I’m me and I am talking this Chris not that other guy so don’t jump to conclusions. I am filled with scars and a heart that may never work again. You are so sweet and caring and could be anywhere right now and yet you are here with me eating ice cream in my trunk. We only talked for one evening, it just doesn’t make sense.” 

“Isn’t that how all great stories start though, with a great evening that leads to many more?”

“Chris, the only thing I can offer you is a hand to hold and friendship, I don’t think I can handle much more and that’s not fair to you.”

“Deal, sold, I’ll take it. Now let’s head to the boardwalk before it gets too chilly” Chris says while taking the melted ice cream and tossing it. 

“Wait what?” Thea says completely taken back. 

“I am not done getting to know you and I have a feeling this will all be worth it,” Chris says with a smirk. 

“Chris, I really don’t…” Chris cut Thea off, “I’m an optimist so let’s just enjoy each other’s company, okay?” 

Thea nods and recommends that Chris should follow her back to her apartment building to leave his truck so that they can just walk from there to the boardwalk, parking was bound to be crazy on this warm spring night. When they finally park and head to the boardwalk, Chris, optimistically, grabs Thea’s hand and they start their walk with the breeze from the open pushing them along. 

Chris decides while looking at her windblown hair, that he is going to help her no matter what. She deserves so much happiness in this life, Chris made a silent promise to her that all of her hardest days were behind her.  

Giving her hand an extra squeeze, Chris looks out into the distance and makes the same promise to the night sky that was watching over her.

@chi00072 @capstopavenger​

#avengers #chris evans #chris evans x original female character #chris evans x y/n #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x reader #steve rogers #steve rogers x oc #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x y/n #marvel masterlist #captain america #captain america x you #captain america x female reader #captain america x ofc #original female character #marvel #military #dodger

[rainhadaenerys]

Sometimes I like to search for my own posts in other sites, especially because my book vs show meta is shared quite a lot. I saw someone share my meta on r/gameofthrones, and without fail, some Sansa stan came to say that I was biased, that I didn’t talk about Dany’s “dark moments” in the books, that show!Dany was actually whitewashed:

Wow. Wow. I am the one that is biased, clearly *sarcasm*. Also notice how this anti doesn’t provide a single book quote to support their wild claims.

“The only reason Dany took Astapor was for an army”

Then why did she free the Unsullied when she didn’t need to? Then why did she delay her invasion of Westeros to stay in Slaver’s Bay freeing slaves? Then why did she refuse Yunkai’s gold, Xaro’s ships, Quentyn’s alliance, all things that would have been given freely to her if she decided to leave, and instead chose to stay to ensure people’s freedom? Also, see this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/182893726737/tatticstudio55-i-didnt-think-id-have-the#notes

“She was ok with Drogo selling the Lhazareen into slavery, she said it was the price of the Iron Throne”.

Dany was a 14 years old girl who had no experience on war. Antis like to say that Dany convinced Drogo to invade knowing that he was going to enslave people to do it, but this is not an argument supported by the text at all. When Dany asks Drogo to help her take the Seven Kingdoms, no one mentions the need to sell slaves:

The khal's mouth twisted in a frown beneath the droop of his long mustachio. "The stallion who mounts the world has no need of iron chairs."

Dany propped herself on an elbow to look up at him, so tall and magnificent. She loved his hair especially. It had never been cut; he had never known defeat. "It was prophesied that the stallion will ride to the ends of the earth," she said.

"The earth ends at the black salt sea," Drogo answered at once. He wet a cloth in a basin of warm water to wipe the sweat and oil from his skin. "No horse can cross the poison water."

"In the Free Cities, there are ships by the thousand," Dany told him, as she had told him before. "Wooden horses with a hundred legs, that fly across the sea on wings full of wind."

Khal Drogo did not want to hear it. "We will speak no more of wooden horses and iron chairs." He dropped the cloth and began to dress. "This day I will go to the grass and hunt, woman wife," he announced as he shrugged into a painted vest and buckled on a wide belt with heavy medallions of silver, gold, and bronze.

"Yes, my sun-and-stars," Dany said. Drogo would take his bloodriders and ride in search of hrakkar, the great white lion of the plains. If they returned triumphant, her lord husband's joy would be fierce, and he might be willing to hear her out. - Daenerys VI ADWD

That’s it. That’s the moment Dany asks Drogo to help her take the Seven Kingdoms. There’s no mentions of selling slaves at all in their conversation. We don’t even know if Dany is aware or not of what taking the Seven Kingdoms is going to take. Given how young and inexperienced she is, it doesn’t seem like she gave much thought about the ugly aspects of war at all. Besides, it’s only after the wineseller tries to poison Dany that Drogo mentions that he will rape women and enslave children in Westeros, and at this point, Dany doesn’t have much of a say, because Drogo didn’t decide to invade Westeros because Dany asked. He decided to invade Westeros because the lives of wis wife (his property) and his son were threatened. This is an affront to his honor, his decision has nothing to do with pleasing Dany, so if she asks him to give up on invading Westeros, he won’t do it (just like he wouldn’t invade Westeros just because he asked). Dany didn’t seem to be aware of what taking Westeros back with Drogo would take, and after she finds out, she doesn’t really have the power to stop it.

And saying that Dany was ok with enslaving the Lhazareen is a blatant lie:

I am the blood of the dragon, Daenerys Targaryen reminded herself as she turned her face away. She pressed her lips together and hardened her heart and rode on toward the gate.

"Most of Ogo's riders fled," Ser Jorah was saying. "Still, there may be as many as ten thousand captives."

Slaves, Dany thought. Khal Drogo would drive them downriver to one of the towns on Slaver's Bay. She wanted to cry, but she told herself that she must be strong. This is war, this is what it looks like, this is the price of the Iron Throne.

"I've told the khal he ought to make for Meereen," Ser Jorah said. "They'll pay a better price than he'd get from a slaving caravan. Illyrio writes that they had a plague last year, so the brothels are paying double for healthy young girls, and triple for boys under ten. If enough children survive the journey, the gold will buy us all the ships we need, and hire men to sail them."

Behind them, the girl being raped made a heartrending sound, a long sobbing wail that went on and on and on. Dany's hand clenched hard around the reins, and she turned the silver's head. "Make them stop," she commanded Ser Jorah. - Daenerys VII AGOT

Dany has little say in what’s happening here, little agency. She is just the wife of the khal, and what he decides is what happens. This is the very first time Dany is seeing the Dothraki attack anyone (before this, she was just traveling through the Dothraki Sea to Vaes Dothrak). And she is horrified by what she is seeing. Antis love to take the line “this is the price of the Iron Throne” out of context, but looking at the context in which the line is said tells us a very different story: when Dany says "this is war, this is the price of the Iron Throne", she's not saying it because she's ok with slavery. Quite the opposite: she hates what she's seeing, and she says this to convince herself that she doesn't care, to tell herself to be strong. But it doesn't work, Dany can't look past the awful things that she is seeing, and only two paragraphs later, she starts trying to save as many women as she can, in the only way she can: by claiming those women for herself.

By the way, Dany puts herself at a huge risk by trying to protect those women, because she is defying Drogo’s men. When her khas goes to enforce her order, the Dothraki fight, and some men die trying to defend their rights to the spoils of war. Many of the men look at her with cold eyes. These men try to complain to the khal about this, and when Drogo dies and Dany loses the protection of his authority, Dany is in grave danger.

Also see this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/186687986788/adamparrush-dany-burning-mirri-maaz-duur-alive#notes

“Dany was murdering children in Astapor”

This is just bad reading comprehension, or this person is trying to distort things. Dany didn’t order the killing of children. She ordered only masters and soldiers to be killed, those actively fighting against her to keep slavery. She tell them not to harm any child below 12 to avoid the Unsullied killing innocents. Also, saying “don’t kill anyone under 12″ is not the same thing as saying “kill everyone over 12″, stupid anti.

Also, see this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/184630644137/hi-i-really-enjoy-your-blog-and-your-meta-i#notes

“Dany didn’t want the entire caravan from Astapor and Yunkai to follow her”

That’s a really dishonest distortion of the facts. This is what Dany actually says:

The raggle-taggle host of freedmen dwarfed her own, but they were more burden than benefit. Perhaps one in a hundred had a donkey, a camel, or an ox; most carried weapons looted from some slaver's armory, but only one in ten was strong enough to fight, and none was trained. They ate the land bare as they passed, like locusts in sandals. Yet Dany could not bring herself to abandon them as Ser Jorah and her bloodriders urged. I told them they were free. I cannot tell them now they are not free to join me. She gazed at the smoke rising from their cookfires and swallowed a sigh. She might have the best footsoldiers in the world, but she also had the worst. - Daenerys IV ASOS

Dany says that the freedmen are a burden. She is simply stating a fact, the freedmen are a burden. But she refuses to abandon them as her advisors urged, because she freaking cares about them, you idiot.

“The pile of bodies was high when she took Meereen”

Of course the pile of bodies was high! A battle to take the city just happened! Usually, when there’s a battle, people die, and there are bodies. I guess this idiot must think that Jon and Robb won all of their battles without killing a single soul. Let’s just pretend that none of Robb’s victories had any pile of bodies. Like, wow. What kind of argument even was this?

“They don’t talk about the torturing of the wineseller’s daughter”

Another blatantly lie. I do talk about the torture of the wineseller’s daughters in my books vs show meta, let me quote what I wrote here:

4) Then, after Dany executes Mossador in the name of a fair trial, she decides to throw “fair trial” out of the window by feeding one of the slavers to her dragons for revenge. This is something that never happens in the books. The closest we have to a problematic action like this is when Dany allows the wineseller’s daughters to be tortured. But this isn’t anywhere near as dark as feeding people to her dragons, for various reasons: 1) because Dany’s actions in the books are inserted in a context in which torture is seen as a normal and legitimate means of investigation by the society. Dany is not the only one that does this, and even honorable Jon Snow considers throwing Janos Slynt in an ice cell to force him to comply, and later throws Cregan Karstark in one. So Dany’s actions in the books are lawful, while in the show, they are not; 2) because Dany was trying to investigate. She was angry about what happened, but revenge was not the only motivation; 3) in the books, Dany learns a lesson from this and becomes the only ruler in ASOIAF to explicitly forbid torture.

Another thing that makes the dragon feeding scene so bad is that Dany tells the masters that she doesn’t care who’s innocent or not. But book Daenerys does care about it:

“We have no proof this is their work. Would you have me slaughter my own subjects?” – Daenerys IV ADWD

Feeding people to her dragons in the show was a criminal action taken by show Dany, and it was made out of revenge, with show Dany saying that she doesn’t care about innocence. This is very different from Dany in the books, and much much darker.

“They don’t talk about Dany enslaving people once she becomes queen”

I don’t talk about this because this never happened. Dany does allow people to sell themselves back into slavery, but only if they want to, and she very clearly doesn’t want to allow it:

Dany was shocked. “They want to be slaves?”

“The ones who come are well spoken and gently born, sweet queen. Such slaves are prized. In the Free Cities they will be tutors, scribes, bed slaves, even healers and priests. They will sleep in soft beds, eat rich foods, and dwell in manses. Here they have lost all, and live in fear and squalor.”

“I see.” Perhaps it was not so shocking, if these tales of Astapor were true. Dany thought a moment. “Any man who wishes to sell himself into slavery may do so. Or woman.” She raised a hand. “But they may not sell their children, nor a man his wife.” - Daenerys VI ASOS

Dany does this because she thinks it’s for the best. Because people convince her that otherwise, those people will live in fear and squalor. But she makes it very clear that no one is allowed to force another person into slavery. And actually, the majority of the former slaves choose to remain free. I write in more detail about this here:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/182694132667/do-the-slaves-of-westeros-really-want-danys-help#notes

“They don’t talk about how Dany treated Irri”

You mean how Irri started to have sex with Dany on her own free will without Dany ever asking her? You mean how Dany treats Irri wih dignity, respects her consent, and makes it very clear to Irri that she doesn’t have to have sex with her if she doesn’t want it?

"Should I pleasure the khaleesi?"Dany stepped away from her. "No. Irri, you do not need to do that. What happened that night, when you woke . . . you're no bed slave, I freed you, remember? You . . ." - Daenerys II ASOS

Talk all you want about power difference, but Dany respected Irri’s consent, she treated her with dignity.

See also this meta:

https://rainhadaenerys.tumblr.com/post/187867805480/hiya-mindset-love-your-blog-i-was-reading#notes

And they continued on their bullshit:

They repeat a lot of the stuff I already refuted here, but there are some more:

“Jorah killed Rhaego, not MMD”

Mirri Maz Duur admits she killed Rhaego when Dany accuses her:

Dany gestured at Ser Jorah and the others. "Leave us. I would speak with this maegi alone." Mormont and the Dothraki withdrew. "You knew," Dany said when they were gone. She ached, inside and out, but her fury gave her strength. "You knew what I was buying, and you knew the price, and yet you let me pay it."

"It was wrong of them to burn my temple," the heavy, flat-nosed woman said placidly. "That angered the Great Shepherd."

"This was no god's work," Dany said coldly. If I look back I am lost. "You cheated me. You murdered my child within me." 

"The stallion who mounts the world will burn no cities now. His khalasar shall trample no nations into dust." - Daenerys IX AGOT

MMD killed an innocent child for revenge, and to prevent a supposed future. She admits it.

"She said to kill everyone in a tokar, this is every freeborn”

No, the tokar is not worn by every freeborn. The tokar is a master’s garment, and it makes it impossible to work. Those who wore it are only those who have the wealth and power and don’t have to work, aka, the freaking slave masters:

The garment was a clumsy thing, a long loose shapeless sheet that had to be wound around her hips and under an arm and over a shoulder, its dangling fringes carefully layered and displayed. Wound too loose, it was like to fall off; wound too tight, it would tangle, trip, and bind. Even wound properly, the tokar required its wearer to hold it in place with the left hand. Walking in a tokar demanded small, mincing steps and exquisite balance, lest one tread upon those heavy trailing fringes. It was not a garment meant for any man who had to work. The tokar was a master's garment, a sign of wealth and power. - Daenerys I ADWD

Ugh. Then they went on:

Again, this freaking obsession antis have to convince people that they loooooove Daenerys. I could go on refuting this idiot, but it can be summed up in “You Dany stans can’t see things objectively, I’m the only one that uses logic, blah, blah, blah”. They go on to complain that Dany killed soldiers (none of their faves ever killed soldiers, right?), to say that Dany killed slaves and freed people (no, she didn’t), that you can’t see things in black and white and divide the situation into slavers and slaves (I guess they’re trying to say that Dany is bad for killing some supposedly nice slavers), blah, blah blah.

Sorry if I went off, everyone. This made me really angry. Apparently, I’m the biased one that distorts things, and not this idiot.

#daenerys targaryen #daenerys defense squad #books vs show #also kinda me defending myself and yelling into the void

[sylleboi]

𝕬𝖚𝖙𝖔𝖒𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖈 𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖘 | 30/03/20

For this week, we have a new workshop to do, tying into the first brief (Pick & Mix), focusing on surrealism and the theories linked with this by psychologist Sigmund Freud. 

Attached was the following text written by our teacher to introduce this workshop and the tasks that come with it;

“After a successful week with the post it note comic, and some excellent write ups that are really well documented, this week's task revisits some of the work from Term 1 (as we started in our drawing sessions) with some of the ideas stemming from Surrealism, dada and the psychoanalytical theories of Sigmund Freud.

This task is presented by Bristol based artist & animator Will Barras who will be offering commentary on your work at the end of the week. Follow the PDF attached and work through the tasks at your own pace. You have all week so take your time and experiment as much as possible.

We have more challenges to come, so try to put time into these as they will form the main body of your experimental work.

Upload your results and be as creative and imaginative as possible, but most importantly let go and embrace the ride.

Good luck peoples!”

Consider the primary objectives of a Final Project:

Collect information (Research) 

Recall knowledge (Use learning)

Apply understanding through application and review (Propose & make exciting work and evaluate it)

I find that the above points refer to a simplified process of working through meet the final goal that is set by the FMP, althought this also applies to workshops and side projects that gets documented on this blog, as well as the productionfile.

Question: Are you doing these things and how can we improve and develop this?

I feel that I already do these, althought I yet have to further improve on evaluating the things I do, asking “Why” more often.

Answer: Experimentation - (The action or process of trying out new or revisiting ideas, method and activities)

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This weeks aims & objectives:

To review basic principles of automatic practice in relation to a specific artist

To experiment with working from abstract starting points

Be generate experimental work that shows progression of learning

To compare your work to the work of others

The surrealist/dada movement was an art movement, as well as a literary movement, that began around 1915 - 1917. Some of the key artists leading this movement was Hannah Höch, André Breton & Max Ernst. The movement aimed to break free from the chains that weighed down everyone during the great depression- The artistic field had now begun to evolve into a playground for ones’ imagination, challenging what used to not be acceptable in common culture.

Accident & chance

Embracing Improvisation (What does improvisation mean to you?)

BEING AUTOMATIC!

Surrealist automatism is a method of art-making in which the artist suppresses conscious control over the making process, allowing the unconscious mind to have great sway

Unlocking the unconscious mind.

In Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of personality, theunconscious mind is a reservoir of feelings, thoughts, urges, and memories that are outside of our conscious awareness.

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𝕽𝖊𝖘𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖈𝖍:

This weeks challenge for experimentation is bought to you by Bristol based urban artist and animator Will Barras. Your task is to analyse his work, considering the effect of the visual language (how he uses line and tone for example). Find out about him and considering the aforementioned surrealist principles write a short statement to suggest how he uses those principles in his own work. 

Will Barras

Illustrator, artist and animation director, Will Barras, currently lives and works in London, althought he grew up in Birmingham and later moved to Bristol to study graphic design. He quickly became known for being part of a group of young artists, working within Bristol’s street art scene. This then led to him appearing in a book titled “Scrawl”, alongside the artists Steff Plaetx and Duncan Jago, becoming a core and founding member of the Scrawl collective. “Scrawl”, originally published in 1999, was an influencial book made to document a new movement in street art, graphics and illustration. 

Barras was selected to be one of the original artists for this collective. He was selected due to being renouned for his methods of portraying fluidity in movement. He also worked closely with creating pieces that were more narrativly driven compositions, incorperating such narratives into his line work. Barras’s unique composition of these three key elements, made his mark as an artist all the more inspiring, pushing new ideas against the grain of classic art. All of this has led his work to become staple pieces in many galleries across the globe. This includes Asia, Europe and the U.S.

He has painted a variety of different murals around the world, within this mix is one that he did with the members of his Bristol group at Tate Modern’s tubine hall, as well as one that he did for Pow!Wow! Festival in Taipei. In the studio Th1ng, located in central London, he worked as the head of animation.

Visual analysis and study:

His artwork has a very recongnizable style and feel to it. It has an urban flare to it, making it feel very fitting within the scene of street art.

“A big barn I painted in Dumfries with Amy Winstanley for the Spring Fling festival and Recoat gallery based in Glasgow.

http://www.amywinstanley.com

http://www.spring-fling.co.uk

http://www.recoatdesign.com”

The painting below has little information about it, as for what I can find, but somehow the piece almost speaks for itself. The play on perspective, composition and values is very eyecathing. It impresses me how he is able to convey motion to such an extend that you can almost just imagine it moving before your eyes, but perhaps that’s just me.

“#divinestyler #defmask #gammaproforma #kallenbachgallery”

I attemped to do some simple continuous warping animation to convey what I mean a little better:

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𝖁𝖎𝖘𝖚𝖆𝖑 𝖆𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖎𝖙𝖞:

01: Using a wide brush create a large sheet of accidental/automatic/ unconscious blots & splatters, organics shapes and curvaceous marks using a range of coloured ink/paint. The brighter and more acidic the better!

Because of the fact that I don’t have paper made for paints/ink, I decided to try doing this task digitally- simulating the analogue look of watercolour or watered down ink, or even arcrylics.

I did this by using a variety of different watercolour brushes, made to emulate the look of the analogue mediums. I used them as randomly as I possibly could, trying not to plan where I would put the next brush stroke.

Once I had put down all the paint stokes, I then went over it while the layer was locked with a big soft edged brush, layering up different colours until I was happy with how it looked.

02: Make 3-4 sheets of these and then let them dry.

Digital 01:

Digital 02:

03: Then using fineliner develop these marks into faces/characters/scenes by adding details/features and developing these into detail illustrations that are spontaneous and free flowing.

For the linework, I primarily used one single brush; hard edged and circular. (The one selected in the picture below)

I chose this for the reason being that I have found it to be very responsive to the use of a drawing tablet & pen. It does a good job at making expressive lines with its tilt sensitivity, making it a pleasure to use; It reminds me of how brush pens work and feel.

Here are a few tests on some of the lines I can create with it;

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Digital 01: 

Digital 02:

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Digital 02: Process

1. I have always found that beginning these blob doodles are the most diffucult for me. Perhaps because it takes me a little while to really get into the flow of continously seeing images in the randomness.

2. I began from the left, slowly working my way to the right and the top, since I felt that I had more clear lines to go from being around the edge of the paint.

3. Eventually I braved it and went right for the middle of the piece. This was the turning point for me in the process of doing this. It enabled me to truly let get, have fun, and not feel intimidated and nervous to do the next doodle.

4. This is when I began drawing creatures of the sea, slowly building up a story/narrative.

5. I don’t actually remember what I was even thinking at this point anylonger- I was simply just letting the pen guide me around the canvas; letting it all flow together however it felt as to do so.

6. I began to delve into the little details. I felt as if they would add to the general flow of the piece; being busy, yet in a manner that lets your eyes wander with curiosity.

7. I was now moving on to doing the right side of the piece. I had a little more trouble visualising the top right corner, so I did that last.

8. At this point I felt a little stuck as to what to do, hence it being, yet again, dedicated for adding some more little details here and there.

9. Eventually I overcame the frustration I had built up and took to do the right side of the artwork.

10. I tried to convey motion and flow by the way the animals are positioned and posed, trying to make it calm in the middle where the girl is, and then busy/chaotic the further away you get from her.

11. This second to last step was, again, for adding detail. I wanted to fill up any bits that I felt appeared too empty and spaced out, so to no disrupt the feeling of flow in the painting.

12. With the inking done and rendered to my satisfaction, the last step was to play around with colours.

≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡

Digital 01: Colour variations

Digital 02: Colour variations

04: Scan/photograph and upload to Moodle.

≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡ ≡≡≡≡≡

𝕱𝖎𝖓𝖆𝖑 𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖊𝖜 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖗𝖊𝖋𝖑𝖊𝖈𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓:

Which of these words would you use when discussing the work of Will Barras and your own art pieces:

I would most definitly use;

Organic/Fluid

Figurative

Automatic

On top of these I would probably add;

Harmonic

Dynamic

Epochal

Visionary

Can you construct a comparative sentence/paragraph using at least 5 of these words. What are the differences and similarities between the works you have created. What conclusions did you make about this experimentation?

[spaceshipkat]

Found a stan's post about what Sjm said at her Houston stop regarding ToG and Acotar characters meeting.Just so much bullshit: "Rhys would win in a fight against Maeve because Maeve is a “piece of crap” who only fights for her own selfish wants and Rhys would fight for something he loves and therefore have a better reason to fight", "Aelin would spend the entire time staring at Rhys because even though she has Rowan who is also beautiful, Rhys is just that beautiful", "everyone would love Rowan"

Houston anon, if you wanna watch the whole thing, TheTruthAboutBooks made a vlog on yt 

uhhh did they say they’d have booths for fanart? 

i freely admit i’ve eaten a lot of airheads today, but…i’m nauseous. 

what the diddly dong heck is this. according to the vid, you can take a pic with them, but no idea if you can keep them. 

why are they screaming

as someone from AZ, why is all she remembers of it cowboy boots? 

and imma paraphrase the questions she’s asked, so. question #1: 

McGee: you’ve been writing t0g since you were 16, how do you feel, what’s going through your head? 

sj/m: writing k0a was bittersweet and fun. when i was 16, all of this was a crazy dream (she has been saying this literally everywhere. i mean she even made it a hashtag on insta today). “when i went to college i was a creative writing major” uhhh where??? 

interlude for a brief thanks that does sound sincere, at least. 

and now she’s saying that on Tuesday she asked if anyone had read the book, a teenager said yes, and sj/m proceeds to, uh, very snarkily reenact it with a raised index finger (terrible quality, i’m sorry; it’s at 11:55 in the vid)

christ you guys she’s been answering this question for eons i want it to stop, especially bc right now she’s talking about getting to write the final scenes of a book she’s been working on since she was a teenager. we know the drill. 

okay wait now she’s saying when t0g was bought fantasy (yes, fantasy, not ya fantasy) hadn’t taken off and had just one publisher say yes to t0g. everyone else rejected it and i have a feeling they don’t regret that in the slightest. 

oh my god she’s still talking. the author moderating the event (Katharine McGee) hasn’t said one word since that first question. 

she just asked if there are any other aspiring writers in the ground, and then said that “if i can do it, you can do it” and i’m cackling. and getting published is “a long road” and that wasn’t a tornado, it was just me sighing. (today was a shitty day in terms of publishing where i’m concerned, so yeah)

and now she’s talking about how the book was going to be longer than 992 pages, originally 1008 pages. she gets a call from her editor, who says “the book is too long” and sj/m replies “you can’t do this to me EVERY WORD AND EVERY COMMA IS EXACTLY WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE” (emphasis my own) OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD @longsightmyth​

and apparently her editor said “we have to find a way to make the book shorter without cutting anything from it” and sure, janet. and christ on a bike the entire team at blooms worked around the clock to get the book to the printers in two days, or it wouldn’t have been printed in time for release. they bumped up the text a little on the chapter header, condensed chapters through the formatting so hanging paragraphs between chapters would fit on the previous page.so cutting out one whole page, basically. 

sj/m: so they managed to cut it down to nine hundred and ninety–”

audience: “980″

sj/m: nine hundred and ninety–” 

audience: “980″

sj/m: “whatever it is!” *waves hand*

i’m now at 16:53 and McGee has finally spoken since sitting down. 

McGee: “who knew eight pages could be so important”

sj/m: “i have no idea” (i’m typing this on my laptop but i’d have the upside down smiley here on my phone bc the tone here is that)

WE’VE MADE IT TO QUESTION #2 (and i’m paraphrasing again)

question #2: 

McGee: i want to go back to what you were saying about writing scenes that you thought of as a teenager and reaching the end of the series is so emotional. did anything change, take any unexpected turns, or is this truly the ending that you foresaw at age 16?

guys i’m sorry i can’t sit through her answer bc if is basically a reworked version of everything i wrote above and everything she has said umpteen times (all about fictionpress, to get this book published she had to rewrite new things, treat the first version as a completely separate book, start over with a blank page, blah blah blah i really don’t give a fuck, janet moving on)

i’m not sure if she mentioned this in the other events, but she’s explaining how she wrote ratalien fanfic. 

question #3:

McGee: was it hard for you when the first two books came out and the readers were all excited trying to ship–

and yes, sj/m did cut her off. McGee jumped in to ask question #3 and here’s sj/m while McGee is asking the question

and now she’s talking about tambourine and riceman. so. 

she’s talking about some animal that went extinct from Costa Rica? “go vote and save the environment” and now she’s explaining where she got the ending for k0a from (the mountains and the sun and she started crying) worth noting she said she went to Costa Rica in 2013, thereby getting the ending of k0a in 2013. 

guys i want to donate my ears to science as well as my eyeballs: 

sj/m: alien never did what i wanted her to do except doing rowboat, if you know what i mean (emphasis not my own)

i just laughed out loud at sj/m: “please let alien get me to this ending that i want, if she survives.” one of the biggest surprises was getting alien to the ending that she wanted. 

question #4:

McGee: i love what you said about aelin, i feel like she has literally grown up alongside you, or you’ve grown up alongside her, she’s such a fun character bc she’s vulnerable and strong and she’s not afraid to be both badass and very girly at the same time

(you guys know my thoughts about the ridiculousness of still complimenting alien for being badass and girly like the two are not mutually exclusive and no longer unique character traits can we stop now kthxbai)

McGee continued: how has she rubbed off on you, are there any traits of aelin that have become traits of sarah

she’s nodding along while McGee talks here:

sj/m: her love of reading, her love of binge-eating chocolate in bed, oh my god she’s now off on another tangent about getting started in publishing again and before she had meetings she’d tell herself “my name is sjm and i will not be afraid” omg so deep wow

so now we know why she made Lysandra a snow leopard (yes this is my assumption): she has a leopard ring and her leopard shirt bc you can never have too much leopard on leopard

so with alien and Lysandra and all the ladies in this series, they’re all strong in different ways, elide can’t gut you the way alien can, she has her own strength (intelligence and kindness), then Manon (her favorite) came into her life at a time she needed a character to identify with, Manon’s journey is one of her favorite things she’s ever written. 

aaaaaaaand a side story wherein she explains how Manon appeared in her head and saw Manon in her first scene in h0f after music and i’m snoring (and then another piece of music where she saw a scene in k0a and began sobbing but she doesn’t say which scene)

and now she’s talking about how thick the books are. someone says all the books should be the same size on the shelf and sj/m says “look at Harry Potter! whose rule is that? it’s a dumb rule” (claims she said it “i understand but no”–emphasis not my own)

OH MY GOD SHE’S EXPLAINING HOW SHE’S NEVER CRIED MORE IN A SCENE IN K0A AND GUYS I AM SO BEYOND DONE SHE’S JUST REPEATING HERSELF IN NEW WAYS I WANT DEATH

McGee: i love how all your women are strong in different ways, even Kaltain, characters who start one way and then their story seems expected and it ends in such a different place

congrats, McGee, you just described writing a character arc (i apologize for the snark but ugh)

McGee continued: which brings me to the dedication of this book, do you want to talk about that at all, there might be zero people in the audience who’ve read k0a yet, what do you want to say to them before they start reading? 

what would you call this expression? grimace? “hOw DaRe”? 

and now she’s talking about the dedication, which we all know my thoughts on (i’ll spare you from another repeat bc i, unlike sj/m, try not to say the same things over and over again)

every time a book came out her parents would open the book and ask why it wasn’t dedicated to them and she wanted to wait to dedicate the last book to them, so. (she thought the dedication would be a spoiler but “ladies are gonna get shit done,” “take on the man,” wah wah) and she’s mentioned ac0tar again. 

HOLY SHIT SHE JUST ASKED MCGEE WHO SHE DEDICATED HER BOOK TO I AM SHOOK. “aw that’s so sweet, i don’t have a sister so i can’t dedicate it like you can” (yes i’m paraphrasing again)

and she’s brought out Taran. he’s cute and all and oh my god “i can hear a baby crying and go ‘eh i don’t care he’s not my baby’ but then i hear my baby” and blah blah blah

we’ll end this with Taran bc he’s cute:

#ask #anonymous #anti sjm #anti koa #long post #save #i need to remember to use that tag more often

[frighthouseofalighthouse]

All weird asks!! They're so good!

Sorry this is a bit late, babe! I wanted to wait til I had the opportunity to answer all these uninterrupted!

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Coffee mugs! tbh I drink tea out of coffee mugs because who actually uses teacups? I mean my grandma has tons and I would use them, but the handles are so tiny and I am v clumsy so it scares me.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

Chocolate bars!!! I’m too impatient for lollipops and plus they always get coated in saliva which just...drips down my chin since my mouth is already full.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Bubblegum! I love cotton candy but I can only handle a bit at a time tbh. Also I haven’t had bubblegum in almost two years bc of braces and I miss it so much I can’t wait to have it again.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Okay, so even though I’ve always been homeschooled, when I was in elementary school we did this program with a ton of other homeschoolers where you could take actual classes and stuff. My teachers always said I was quiet and focused and studious, and you could always count on me to be lecturing everyone else on the instructions if they hadn’t been paying attention. (does any of that surprise anyone?)

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? GLASS SODA BOTTLES. nothing beats soda that’s been bottled in glass rather than plastic. You ever had orange cream soda from a glass bottle????? SLAPS ASS MY DUDE.

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Pastel/boho/preppy/goth, my dude. I have so many sides to my fashion and aesthetic.

7. earbuds or headphones?

EARBUDS BC HEADPHONES NEVER FIT OVER MY EARS RIGHT. BUT EARBUDS WITH SOFT TIPS BECAUSE MY EARS ARE TOO SMALL FOR THE PLASTIC ONES.

8. movies or tv shows?

Tv shows tbh because even though I can binge 4 eps of 45 minutes each per night, they’ll hold my attention a lot more than a movie. It’s weird.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Thunderstorms/petrichor, also natural bogs. PEAT BOG SMELL FUCKING SLAPS.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

None. I liked trampoline time back when we took gymnastics, if that counts. I also liked jump roping and Irish step dancing.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Nothing lmao. I sleep til like noon and then I microwave something for lunch.

12. name of your favorite playlist?

My catchall playlist, Things I Love, my summer playlist, Summer Songs, my Gryffindor playlist, My Queen And Country playlist for writing, and my playlist for The Raven Cycle. (after I post this I’ll edit it and link them)

13. lanyard or key ring?

Keyring, a lanyard would like constantly detract from my outfit if that makes sense???

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Sour Patch Kids or Swedish Fish.

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

Between The Grapes Of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, The Handmaid’s Tale, and To Kill A Mockingbird!

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Just fucking sprawled every which way.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

My grey converse if it’s comfortable out, my silver flip flops if it’s hot, and my fur-lined black combat boots if it’s cold.

18. ideal weather?

65-70 degrees, partly sunny, breezy, not humid.

19. sleeping position?

I need to sprawl to fall asleep, but once I’m asleep I curl up into a little ball.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Laptop and notebook ONLY IF I’m sure of myself, which isn’t often. But I do write dense, scribbled paragraphs on sermon note pages if something comes to me during church lmao.

21. obsession from childhood?

The American Revolution, weather, astronomy, and mysteries/ghost stories.

22. role model?

Idk tbh? Lately I’m just trying to define and live up to my own standards?

23. strange habits?

Pulling the collar of my shirt up to my mouth and sucking on it. Also being a perfectionist in my writing. I don’t do messy drafts. It’s all perfect by the time I write it, and I edit/spellcheck as I go.

24. favorite crystal?

Amethyst (my birthstone), bismuth, opal, and blue goldstone.

25. first song you remember hearing?

Other than nursery rhymes/kid’s songs, it was Light Up The Sky by The Afters, or California Dreamin’ by The Mamas And The Papas.

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Find shade/a cool spot and read with a cold drink.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

ALSO READ. And snuggle with thick socks and a cup of tea and play DS games all day.

28. five songs to describe you?

My five faves atm -

I Am Here // Pink

The Pines // Roses and Revolutions

Soldier, Poet, King // The Oh Hellos

Traveler’s Song // Aviators

Hymn // Kesha

29. best way to bond with you?

Share my interests about politics, history, books, true crime, paranormal, tv shows, and also be kind and understanding when I don’t text for long periods bc I don’t feel up to talking.

30. places that you find sacred?

The woods on the hill behind my house. Dense, deeply green, secluded woods. Hedge mazes. Old and crumbling castles. Anywhere beneath a clear sky and a full moon. Your heart when you’ve come to terms with your fears and made peace with yourself. Anyplace with historical significance. Bookstores on an autumn/winter day. Libraries.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

A kickass plaid, bruh. Also my leather jacket - once I lose enough shoulder weight to fit in it again.

32. top five favorite vines?

Fre shavoc ado, the one where the dog eats the butterfly, the Lin-Manuel Miranda one where he’s brainstorming, “what the FUCK kind of weather is this, and the dad and son with the saxophone and the oven door.

33. most used phrase in your phone?

“oh mood”

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

“WOW! It’s NatureStone!”

35. average time you fall asleep?

Right now it’s 4-5 am because I suck.

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

I Can Haz Cheezburger, My mom used to look at the website with me when I was like 10.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

They both have pros and cons. :/ Duffel bags are easier to carry but suitcases keep stuff from getting broken better.

38. lemonade or tea?

TEAAAAAAAAAAAA

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

Lemon meringue pie!!! my stepdad made a really good one the other week.

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

Nothing, since I was homeschooled. Same weird shit that always happens at home. Our safe word for when I got overwhelmed in math was “quokka” and we’d stop and look at cute quokka pictures.

41. last person you texted?

My gf :)

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Jacket pockets because things are not only hard to fit in girls’ pants pockets, but if you put a chapstick/lipstick in there it starts to melt :(

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

BETWEEN HOODIE AND CARDIGAN. SO VERSATILE. SO COMFY.

44. favorite scent for soap?

Irish Spring soap or the blue Dial bars smells better and cleaner than anything to me.

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

Fantasy. It can take me a bit to get into it, but once I do, I love it. I only do sci-fi if it has rebellion and isn’t heavy on the sci. And superhero movies are great but a lot of the tropes are meh. Fantasy has a lot more versatility if you ask me.

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Sweatpants/leggings and a soft, well worn tee.

47. favorite type of cheese?

Parmesan, white cheddar, or Muenster.

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

Raspberry!

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

“do no harm but take no shit.”

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

A really poorly edited political ad on tv a couple years ago. There was weird jazz playing, flames in the background of an image of the Capitol Building, and then the top of the dome opened and this guy’s face was inside. It is the single funniest ad I have ever seen and I laughed for 10 minutes so hard I was like an inch away from passing out.

51. current stresses?

Passing my driving test next month, getting a job, figuring out if my math skills are okay enough to take the SAT or an equivalent test.

52. favorite font?

Baskerville or Georgia!

53. what is the current state of your hands?

My fingernails are short bc I picked them while reading earlier, my cuticles suck bc I pick at those two, and my pinky is obliterated and scabbed because of when I accidentally sliced through the nail with a razor while shaving the other day. So, not great, but I’m living.

54. what did you learn from your first job?

That kids can be really annoying but also really cute and hilarious if you can get them to calm down. And also that baby fingernails are surprisingly sharp.

55. favorite fairy tale?

The OG Princess and the Frog where it’s implied the prince and “faithful Henry,’ his carriage driver, fall in love and ride off together at the end. JACOB AND WILHELM GRIMM SAID GAY RIGHTS.

56. favorite tradition?

Every December, my mom and I drive around after dark at night and I play Pokemon and we rate everyone’s Christmas decorations based on tackiness.

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

So isolated I was as a preteen/early teenager, my self harm, and the internalized anger over my abusive relationship and PTSD.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

Writing, puzzle solving, singing, and calligraphy.

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“Benvoli-no.” (I recently remembered I used to say that a lot and I need to bring it back)

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

Dark, fairy tale anime with a lot of secrets to uncover and some dark woods.

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

TV show - “I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself.” - Doctor Who

Movie - “It’s not about deserve. It’s about what you believe. And I believe in love.” - Wonder Woman

Book - “If you never saw the stars, candles were enough.” - The Dream Thieves, by Maggie Stiefvater

62. seven characters you relate to?

Dean Winchester - Supernatural

Sam Winchester - Supernatural

Jack Kline Winchester - Supernatural

Charlie Bradbury - Supernatural

Gansey - The Raven Cycle

Blue Sargent - The Raven Cycle

Hermione Granger - Harry Potter

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Final Song // MO

Call Home // Heathers

I Am Here // Pink

Babylon // 5 Seconds of Summer

Shake It Off // Taylor Swift

64. favorite website from your childhood?

WEBKINZ AND THE OLD AMERICAN GIRL WEBSITE

65. any permanent scars?

Yes, I have several that remain from self harm, scars all over my left knee from being a clumsy child, and most of all a major scar down the center of my chest from heart surgery when I was a baby.

66. favorite flower(s)?

Rose, lavender, lilac, and dahlia.

67. good luck charms?

Not really???

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

Olives, mushrooms, radishes, cottage cheese, and ranch dressing are all foul.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

Martin Luther didn’t actually nail his 95 theses to the church door, he just kind of passed them around, which is a lot less dramatic tbh. Also light-up signs were first used in New York City in 1884.

70. left or right handed?

I’m left-handed!

71. least favorite pattern?

I think zebra stripes, leopard print, and houndstooth are super ugly.

72. worst subject?

Math for sure. Even science would be easier if it didn’t involve so much math.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

Wendy’s fries and chocolate frosty!!!

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

I think a 7, usually. My pain tolerance is pretty high because of a) years of self harm, and b) due to my PTSD my muscles are constantly tense and in pain anyway.

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I was 4, and it had been loose but it fell out when I was trying to blow up an inflatable ball.

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Fries or roasted potatoes that are charred and crunchy on the bottom. Chips are a close third.

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Idk, my grandma’s the one with the green thumb mania lmao. But She keeps a lot of violets and arrowhead plants in the windowsills!

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

NEITHER I HATE BOTH COFFEE AND SUSHI IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

Never had a school ID, but my temporary license photo is actually pretty good right now!

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

I really like earth tones for myself.

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

THEY ARE THE SAME MF THING. Also I call them both, it just depends on what comes out of my mouth haha.

82. pc or console?

PC, I guess, though I don’t really game. I just watch my stepdad game.

83. writing or drawing?

WRITING. I cannot draw to save my life.

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcasts, talk radio is so annoying.

84. barbie or polly pocket?

Barbie, although I loved both.

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Mythology I guess??? Although again, I love both.

86. cookies or cupcakes?

COOKIESSSSS

87. your greatest fear?

Rejection, losing people I love, people secretly hating me. Also drowning, spiders, clowns, and guns.

88. your greatest wish?

To be a semi-successful author and work in a library/museum.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

My mom and my gf.

90. luckiest mistake?

Almost dropping a knife blade first on my foot but it landed between my toes.

91. boxes or bags?

um boxes I guess? I’m really good at fitting things in tetris style.

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

FAIRY LIGHTS AND DIM YELLOW LAMPS.

93. nicknames?

Ell, Alexander, Ellie, Little Lion, and Nerd.

94. favorite season?

FALL FALL FALL FALL

95. favorite app on your phone?

Tumblr or Spotify. Two apps I couldn’t live without.

96. desktop background?

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

About a half dozen. Mine, my mom’s, my stepdad’s, my grandparents’ home number, my grandpa’s, and my grandma’s.

98. favorite historical era?

Both the American Revolutionary period and the Victorian Era (esp in Britain)

THANK YOU LOVE THIS WAS SUPER FUN

#a series of essays anonymously published

[kaorei-endgame]

Ranking of Resident Evil save room themes?

I got my first latte of the season, it’s chilly enough to wear pants indoors, #Streamtober started yesterday. LET’S DO THIS, NICK. >:O 

17. Resident Evil 6 Chapter Ends, All Characters: Back to the cabbage patch. None of you are valid, with your Netflix Original knock-off of some ABC knock-off of 24-ass soundtrack. Go suck a giraffe’s dick with an Ada clone, Jake Muller.

16. Resident Evil, Deadly Silence: What is this Resident Evil for Babiez? Nintendogz+ResidentEvilz? Imagine listening to this on the crappy DS speakers. Wasn’t there something creepy about Jill’s costume in this game, like you could tear pieces of it off, or am I just conjuring fall memories and combining them with how they went out of the way to add boob bounce to the REmake 15 years after the fact, and now Jill’s boobs on PS4 undulate languidly beneath her shirt like a pair of Dragon Quest Slimes yearning to be free. This track: aural despair, unleavened. A way to quickly induce nausea in dogs who have eaten chocolate or raisins.

15. Resident Evil 6, Ada Chapter End: Well, okay, this one is all right. The first fifteen seconds feel like a HiFi version of a track from those Playstation 1 top-down shooters where you played a murder clown or a pyro guy escaping a space prison where you were held for crimes you definitely DID commit. The little background jog kicks in soon after and look, I’m a soft sell for ululation, what can I say.** But it just all just serves to stir memories like embers finally gone to smolder beneath the fireplace ash, stoking them after all these years, reminding me what a weird psycho they turned Ada into in this game. I like reflecting on how people got so mad about there not being co-op in Ada’s campaign that Capcom patched in a partner but his name is like “TeamMate” or “Buddy” and he has no lines of dialogue and is never addressed in the story in any way and thus is either a figment of Ada’s imagination or he’s a real dude who’s just pretty quiet and ultimately drowned on that sub? Well, I guess life’s tough if you’re the (potentially imagination) friend of an ex-spy turned pod person.

**(i contacted my musician friend, Kylie, who confirmed that ululation  was the term i was thinking of, lest i second guess myself. at the same time, i’ll post her text here lest i misrepresent her words “Yeah, ululate as a technical term is vibrato using the tongue, so that would be wrong, but ululate as a descriptor refers to a sound that has a very pronounced waver between tones to it.” cool! i’ve often wondered if that’s the most accurate way to describe it. thanks Kylie!! :D)

14. Resident Evil Revelations 2: Claire gets the best costumes probably across the whole series and yet it feels like she’s gotten the least love of all the main cast. I never really got it, she looks good in denim, whether jacket or pant, and her Revelations 2 blazer does her all the favors. But now they’re remaking RE2 and they turned her face into this weird porcelain Precious Moments dol—MY BELOVED DAUGHTER. MY MOIRA. I SWEAR I’LL FIND YOU. FOR THE SAKE OF JBLL I WILL AVENGE YOU AND THE OTHER ONE.

13. Resident Evil 0: What’s with all the shivery whiney stuff. Like your younger sibling running nails down the chalkboard of your spine, like how the speed run of this game hinges on juggling an evasive bat with 5 out of the 6 flame rounds on hand, so try. Neither relaxing nor scary. Do I hear something like a bongo in the distance? That is the clarion call of Becky Chamber’s goose booty coming home to roost.

12. Resident Evil 7: I had a dream last night about this game. If you have phobias about glass and/or mouths and/or wasp genitals, I would skip this paragraph. I was in the house where you have to run away from the mom with the disgusting wasp hive vagina. Also—unrelated and yet somehow related, as dreams always are—I had opened a beer bottle in such a way that the stem broke. I had decided to drink it anyway and now, as I progressed through the house, I found that there seemed to be endless small slivers of glass in my mouth that I had to repeatedly spit out lest they cut me. When I woke up, my jaw was clenched to the point of soreness. Welcome to the family, I guess. Otherwise this save room music reminds me of the game itself: mostly dull and barely there.

11. Resident Evil Revelations: Item Box Music, only Save Room Adjcanet. Can’t disassociate this from the “swish-swish-swish-SHUCK” sound effects of navigating menus to equip Charge Shot 2 to my Shotgun. Not as pleasing or as integrated into my bone marrow as  the Resident Evil 3 equivalent, but I have probably played this game through thirteen or fourteen times at this point. Life is short and yet the strings of fate tug us the directions they will.

10. Resident Evil 5: Again, this is menu music. No save rooms at all in this game. Anyway I have no inherent memory of this song because I’m sure I’ve talked over it while upgrading my M92FS to 100 bullet capacity 110% of the times I’ve played this game. Exempted from higher echelon of rankings on these technicalities, but still A POOR PERFORMANCE INDEED for Not The Best Resident Evil Yet Paradoxically The One That’s Given Me The Most Joy In My life.

9. Resident Evil, Dead Aim

: Wow I almost can’t believe I don’t remember this despite playing this game enough to write a speedrun guide for it. Well, that was the style at the time. As was a bloated zombie corpse boss, I suppose (long before Left 4 Dead, those copy cats), whose weak spot was its exposed brain which, halfway through the fight when you’d done enough damage, would pop out and dance a sprightly jig on its brainstem every time you shot it. With the whisper of wind and rain and single intermittent synth I feel like I’m living in a cyberpunk future and not a game whose protagonist’s “””cajun””” accent is as questionable as its presentation of the antagonist’s gender.

8. Resident Evil, Umbrella Chronicles

: Hey now, weird bit of the creepy-freaky bass here kind of does put you in a certain headspace, but it’s not the headspace i remember of this game, which was basically unplayable in co-op for the final 3rd because a failed QTE would result in a hunter slicing away half your health. Good for an Into the Breach playlist to keep you focused on the action and stop you from trying to play it while also binging a Netflix show about werewolves that you didn’t really like anyway, and splitting your attention between visual mediums is just getting Good Pilots Killed.

7. Resident Evil 2: Ominous. Maybe TOO Ominous at points. Aren’t save rooms about being safe? I guess we could argue that because the save room reflects the lacuna of safety  BING BONG piano is the Try Hard version of video game music asking “you scurred yet?” Perhaps a novice mistake from a first-time director who would go on to do so many great things (well, RE2 among them, no lie). In a way, this fits with Rookie Cop Leon S. Kennedy, and anyway it’s so over the top I’m kind of okay with it. Most innervating when first heard on your way to equip a cowgirl costume for fast-firing six-shooter action. Guns suck, and cowboys too, but both are okay if we experience them in the abstract sense. This is what culture teaches us. Fan the trigger.

6. Resident Evil 4: A surprisingly gentle one, considering the series turn towards action from which it would never recover. I am transported to the early minutes of a horror movie where the audience knows something the protagonist doesn’t about the terror that’s about to befall them while they blithely pick up a desiccated nudie mag in an old shed on a haunted property they inherited from their estranged uncle, more focused on the “ballistics” before them than the axe murderer crouched in the shadows of disused farm equipment behind.

5. Resident Evil 3, Nemesis: More languid riff on 2. Strings get you shivery, and no more than a single BONG per two measures proves that save room music is as much about the notes you DON’T play. Two bongs to scare, but one bong to keep you on your toes, disallowing you from getting *too* relaxed by the soothing bleeps and bloops as you combine the 3 Gunpowder As you just found to make sure you have enough ammo to pistol-juke the so-called unkillable Nemesis. You’re not coward, but that doesn’t make you brave. Discretion is the better part of valor, they say, but that’s not taking into account that non-discretiony valor rewards you directly with a faster-firing pistol with critical headshots. :3

4. Resident Evil 1, Vanilla: Gentle, plucky strings make you question your memory, more familiar with later revisions than you are this one. How often was I in this place? Or does its primacy belie its immediacy? If I went to the strange, pointless closet around the corner from this medicine save room, would I find a broken shotgun I expect there, a round of magnum ammo, or simply the ghost of discarded aspirations masking as memories. I recall a time when it felt like time was enough, but then again, this was back when anything sub-three hours would get you the infinite rocket launcher, regardless of how many First Aid Sprays you used.

3. Resident Evil 1, REmake: High fidelity version of RE1’s gentle strings remind you of simpler times when your worst fears were zombies resurrecting into scarier, faster zombies with claws. What we wouldn’t give to go back to those days, and maybe tell ourselves not to take out so much student debt. Listening to this sends a pulse of gentle energy through my shoulder blades that makes me think “relaxation,” though I’m not sure my body understands the meaning of the word. A respite in trying eras, there is no association with the tension of shaving 15 minutes off your time to be competitive. “Safe Heaven,” they call it; a theme for a place that is not our own, but should be.

2. Resident Evil 1, Director’s Cut: Wow I did not expect music box chimes and tones stirs something ancestral in my blood. I’ve played the Director’s Cut far more times than the original RE1 and this is like coming home to a big house where I enjoyed an idyllic childhood, but I now know every box is filled with the creepy knife doll from Onimusha. Though these senations are foreign to me, something about them inspires a thirst for a homeland I never knew.

1. Resident Evil Code Veronica: The absolute chillest. In life, paths may wind, but the ultimate  The strings are tickling your spine. You’re so relaxed you feel like oiling your ponytail, and you could even take a nap in Steve Burnside’s arms without reflexively gagging. When you hear this, you are at peace, and the world seems like a place that can be kind. Truly, the Code is Veronica.

and don’t forget to vote in our poll on whether or not we’re playing Claire A or Leon A tonight!

#resident evil #save rooms #survival horror

[purple-spring]

The best of times, the worst of times - a BH one-shot

Author’s Note: This is a piece inspired by, and expanding upon, the beautiful moment between Jughead and Betty in S2, Episode 4, when they woke up together after falling asleep in the Jones trailer, exhausted from a night of sleuthing. The gaps in the narrative and in the characterisation were frustrating, to be sure, but too tantalising for a fanfiction writer to resist. This story is my humble attempt to fill some of those gaps, to argue for and champion communicative Bughead, and to point towards the instances and possibilities of light in this epic relationship. I hope you love it as much as I loved writing it.

Thank you, as always, to @jandjsalmon for being my meta and beta in one - for helping me fact-check, tease out and speculate on this episode. May the Norse god smile upon you Thank you also to my lovely readers @theladylabyrinth and @oleekingcole for being my last lines of defense - for reading, supporting and cheering me on as I wrote this. 

Summary: The silence was growing between them, and the times were growing darker. But Jughead was determined to say one thing to Betty. And to keep her safe in his arms.

“Jughead wished he could give her all of himself. He wished he could be better for her. But so much of him was just trying to survive, and this was all he had - the small reassurances of his words, the sharpness of his mind, the kisses of his mouth.” 

Read on Ao3 or below, after the cut:

Tonight had been an unqualified disaster.

Between Toni snapping and taking out her Northside prejudices against Betty, Kevin furiously texting him afterwards and telling him to stop being such a shitty boyfriend (“Your girl is gold and you are treating her like lead, AT BEST.”), and - worst of all - a distance growing between him and Betty that went beyond being relegated to different schools, it was, to quote Charles Dickens, the worst of times.

But, as Jughead looked over at Betty, who was sitting on the floor with her hair down, Chinese takeout boxes and papers strewn about her feet, her face scrunched up in concentration, he recalled that Dickens had said that it was also the best of times. Truthfully, they hadn’t been alone like this in a while. When he was at Riverdale High, they had the Blue and Gold. They took nearly all the same classes. They had recess and lunch and everything else in between. Now, they barely saw each other, which of course meant they had to consciously and intentionally make time for one another. And that was taking them a while to get used to.

Tonight, however, fate - or, at least, a hooded serial killer with a penchant for the dramatic - had intervened, and thrown them back together again. And despite the horrible circumstances, he was glad to have her here - his ray of hope and goodness, in the midst of everything.

It was the season of Light, it was the season of darkness.

“What?” Betty looked up at him.

“Huh?”

“You said something.”

“What? No, I didn’t.”

Betty narrowed her eyes and smiled at him. “Were you quoting Dickens? A Tale of Two Cities?”

She caught that? He smiled sheepishly at her. “Yeah, actually, I did. I’m sorry - I didn’t realise I’d said that out loud.”

“It’s okay. I loved that book.” She laughed at a sudden memory. “Polly was supposed to be reading it for AP English, but she was too caught up in becoming a River Vixen at the time, so she made me read it and write up her book report. Of course, she got an A. Or rather, I did.”

Jughead laughed, and it surprised him. It was a relief to laugh. It didn’t feel out of place, even now, with the darkness gathering outside, right on their doorstep. Not with her, anyway. “Wow. I’d forgotten Polly was a River Vixen. I feel like she’s just been --”

“Pregnant Polly this whole time?”

He laughed. “Yeah, pretty much.” And there was that, too. They could still read each other’s minds, finish each other’s sentences. It didn’t happen as much, but it was good to know that - at least for now - it still did. “How is she going, anyway?”

“She’s... “ Betty suddenly sat up and turned to him, remembering something. “Jug, did I ever end up telling you that she’s skipped town?”

“What?”

“She left Riverdale. With the babies on the way, she just couldn’t see herself staying. My parents were - are - furious.” She exhaled in disbelief, shaking her head in incredulity. “I can’t believe --”

“Well, it makes sense, right? The whole town’s running scared.”

“It’s not that. I… I just can’t believe I hadn’t told you.”

Jughead fell silent. He knew exactly what she meant. That was strange. Even as friends, they spoke about everything: when she was struggling with her parents, when she was anxious about Polly, Betty came to him. It’s what drew them together to begin with - what propelled his bold, impulsive decision to climb up her window and kiss her in her room, when he realised that he always wanted to be there for her. And now something big was happening in her life - she was losing her sister all over again, and he’d had no idea about it.

Betty ran her hand through her hair and sighed in frustration. “We haven’t been talking much, have we?”

“No.”

“We never talked about Polly leaving, or you sitting with the Serpents at Southside.” She bit her lip and looked up at him. “Are we gonna talk about that?”

He laughed bitterly. “Are we going to talk about the fact that we’re not talking much?” It was a sad jest poking fun at the irony of their situation, but she gave him a sombre smile anyway, one that indicated that she got it - that sardonic humour was just how he dealt with most things. It put other people off, but she understood him better than anyone else could. He felt such a rush of tenderness for her then that he immediately regretted having made the joke. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way.”

“It’s fine.”

They both fell silent - so silent that they could hear the relentless hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen. He didn’t know what else to say, and she seemed equally reluctant to speak. All words seemed suspended between them, out of reach and beyond their grasp.

Betty broke the impasse, placing her hand over his, and it felt like oxygen rushing into his brain. He turned up his palm to meet it, to interlace his fingers with hers. “It’s just been... really hard, Juggie.”

“I know.” He kissed her knuckles, and for a moment it took him back to simpler times at Pop’s. “Look, I know there’s a killer on the loose, but maybe we just need to see each other more. Maybe if I skip last period every second day, I mean I’m ahead in all my classes anyway --”

“It’s not just the distance, Jug.” She slipped her hand out of his, and inwardly he protested at the loss of contact. She rubbed at her temples, as if to ward off a migraine. “I mean, of course it’s part of it. Of course I miss you. When I turn around in my desk at the Blue and Gold, I still think that I’m gonna see you there, working on the week’s layout, but all I see is an empty chair. Or I could be at the lunch table, and I look down at my tray and I’m surprised that half of it is uneaten, because I’ve bought enough for both of us out of habit and I’ve forgotten that you’re not picking off my plate anymore.”

His heart wrenched at that. “Betts—“

“But it’s more than that. Whatever’s going on here, with us...? It’s not just us missing each other. It’s...” Her voice trailed off.

“What? It’s what, Betty?”

She turned to him, her eyes meeting his. “Do you remember what I said to you at the hospital, after Mr. Andrews was shot?”

How could he forget? “That whatever I needed to do or explore… you’d support me.”

“Yeah. And I meant that. Look, I’m not stupid, Jughead. Two schools, two sides of a town in a civil war? You and I were always going to struggle. But I said what I said because…” She paused, as if to pull herself together. “Because I always figured that even in all this, we’d always be on the same page somehow. Maybe not in the same sentence, or even the same paragraph. But always on the same page.”

“But we are, aren’t we?”

“Jug, right now, I’m not sure we’re even in the same chapter.”

Jughead winced. He could’ve sworn that he physically felt his heart give out from the weight of her words.

But was she right? Were they being written out of the same storyline? After all, a murderer brought them together in the first place. Was it about to be ended by one?

No. He refused to believe it. Not while they were here, of all places. He got up off the floor.

“Jug, what are you doing?”

“Get up.”

“What?”

“Just… go with it, okay?” She looked at him skeptically as he reached down his hand and pulled her up. “Stand over there.”

She walked over uncertainly to the opposite side of the living room. When she saw where she was standing, her face lit up in familiarity and softened as she realised what he was doing. “Jug, this is --”

“Just listen, okay, Betty?” He stood near the door. Right where he took his beanie off. Right where he told her that he loved her. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe we’re in two different chapters right now. And that sucks. It does. I’d do anything to run the Blue and Gold with you again, or sit with you at lunch time, or hold your hand under our desks while we’re supposed to be working our way through Orwell.”

He shrugged. “But this is just where we are. We’re on two opposite ends of town. I hate it. But you know what? Even before all this, we were from two different worlds. And somehow, that worked, right? Actually, scratch that, it didn’t just work - it was great.”

She began to step towards him, but he held his hand out. “No, Betts, stay there. Please. I need to make a point.”

“Our stories weren’t supposed to include each other, but they did. We wrote ourselves into the pages and now, here we are. Sure, we’re not getting much dialogue. We’re in different points of the same narrative. We’re fighting different battles. But damn it all if I’m not gonna fight my way towards you every damn day. Because —“

He clenched his jaw reflexively against the emotion that was threatening to spill out of him. It startled him; he wasn’t expecting to get so caught up. But if he had to be vulnerable anywhere, it would be here. It would be with her, always. Betty kept her eyes steady on him. “Because what, Jug?”

He took a breath. “Because... I love you, Betty Cooper.”

The last time he said that to her, she’d crossed the living room and told him that she loved him, too. And in his mind - his active, restless, overanalysing mind - it meant everything. She was crossing and defying so many barriers and expectations to be with him, and in that small gesture he saw her willingness to do it over and over again.

Right now, however, he wanted her to stay still.

Tonight, it would be him crossing the threshold. Even now, as his life was starting to resemble a free fall through empty space. Even as he fought off fear and loneliness and worry every night in the otherwise-empty trailer. Even as his father languished in prison. Even as he struggled to survive with his hope and integrity intact in the snake pit that was Southside High.

Jughead wished he could give her all of himself. He wished he could be better for her. But so much of him was just trying to survive, and this was all he had - the small reassurances of his words, the sharpness of his mind, the kisses of his mouth.

He kept his eyes locked on hers as he crossed the living room in three long strides before crashing into her, her voice catching at her throat at the suddenness with which his lips parted hers. They were needing and desperate, willing her to know how much he loved her, but also willing himself to take all of her in now, while the darkness of Riverdale’s long night was still being held at bay...

But, oh, he was quickly losing his train of thought. His fingers tangled themselves in her hair - out and loose, for once - as he pulled her flush against his body, her warmth inciting a riot in him. Her arms reached up to encircle his neck, and her shirt lifted slightly, exposing a stripe of flesh which his hand immediately went to. The feel of her bare skin electrified him, and he couldn’t help but think back to the last time they kissed this passionately here, in the trailer. The memory of it sent a tremor through him - an unholy union of sweet fire, thunder and lightning.

But tonight wasn’t about that. As they parted, Jughead put his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, taking in the sound of her soft, shallow breaths, her scent, her hands cupping his face. After a moment, he took her hand and pulled her down to the couch, enveloping her into his arms as she curled up into his lap, leaning her tired head on his shoulder.

They sat like that for a while, in comfortable quiet. There was so much he wanted to tell her, but couldn’t. And he sensed the same knot in her, too. He felt it in the hardness of her shoulders and the slight tightening of her knuckles, saw it in the exhaustion in her eyes.

But although the air between them felt thick with all the things they were leaving unsaid, his hands, his arms, spoke the honesty that his words could not, tightening around her, at once needing and protective. It was a language they both understood, one that wasn’t open to misunderstanding or poor interpretation.

She lifted her head off his shoulder and looked him in the eye. “Jug?”

“Yeah?”

“I forgot to tell you something.”

“What?”

She leaned in, planting a soft kiss on the corner of his lips. He felt the upturn of her smile against his mouth.

“I love you, too.”

…

Jughead was a light sleeper.

It was an instinct honed by survival over many years of fending for himself - of training his ear for the possibility of either his mom or dad leaving in the dead of night; of drifting in and out of wakefulness at the projector room of the Twilight in case anyone came snooping or looking for trouble; of waking randomly to a cramp after sleeping all night in a curled foetal position, unable to get himself warm.

Last night had not been like any of those nights. He’d been warm in his own home, with Betty Cooper dozing soundly his arms.

But, still. Old habits die hard.

And so Jughead found himself wide awake, just as the darkness in the trailer was melting away into the soft grey of morning, right before sunrise.

It wasn’t the first time he’d woken up. After they spent a few more moments in each other’s arms, talking lazily of trivial Riverdale High news and analysing the recent upswing in Archie and Veronica’s relationship, Betty - with all the characteristic focus of a detective chasing a hot tip - jumped up and announced that they needed to return to their work on the cipher. Jughead groaned.

“Betts, honestly.” He glimpsed at the clock. “It’s 11.30. Any work we put into this will basically come to nil. We’re mentally flailing.”

“It’s literally on the edge of my mind, Jug. Even if looking at these for a little bit longer could trigger something, anything…” Betty’s voice trailed off as she rummaged through the haphazard pile of paper that had gathered at their feet.

“Well, at least get up here with me. I’m not falling asleep on the floor again.”

She looked up and narrowed her eyes at him. “‘Again’?”

“Don’t ask. It’s a sad story that involves an ill-advised solo Stephen King movie marathon. After which I refused to sleep without the TV on for days.”

“And how recent was this ill-advised movie marathon?”

“Betts, please. We have a cipher to solve.”

Betty giggled and got up off the floor. She grabbed one of the books that they loaned from the library and laid her body across the couch, her head in Jughead’s lap. He looked down at her, smiling softly as she flipped through the pages, completely driven by her task, unaware of him.

They fell asleep that way - the book lying across her chest, his arm draped across her stomach while he was slouched and sitting up on the couch. He was woken up by the crick in his neck, and was immediately seized by panic when he realised that Betty had accidentally stayed the night. Damn the Black Hood - Alice Cooper would be out for his blood.

“Betty?” He nudged her. No response. She was out cold, and no wonder - she was exhausted.

Jughead tried a firmer approach. “BETTY.” He nudged harder, and felt bad. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him, barely awake. “Betty, you have to go home.”

He wasn’t sure she’d even heard him. Her eyes closed again. Damn it all, he thought. He’d be glad to incur Alice Cooper’s wrath in exchange for a few hours with Betty in his arms, the two of them safe, and temporarily, willingly ignorant of the fear gripping Riverdale.

He put his arm under neck and lifted slightly - enough to slide out from beneath her head. Carefully, he moved her and laid down on the inside of the couch, with her body curling into his, his arm slung over the gentle curve of her waist. They fit like two stacked spoons. He closed his eyes.

“Jug?”

Her sleep-laced mumble surprised him. He thought she was sound asleep. “Yes, Betts?”

“This is... nice.”

He smiled. It was more than nice. It was home.

After a moment, she spoke again. “Jug?”

“Betts, shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“I know, just…” She yawned. “Do you still remember the rest of the introduction to A Tale of Two Cities?”

“Do I remember? I’m insulted, Cooper.”

“Okay, well... can you recite it to me?”

That was a strange request. “Really?”

“Not the whole thing, just the bit that comes after light and darkness. Actually, include the light and darkness. I like that line.”

“Alright, but… why?”

A brief pause. “I... kind of wanted to fall asleep to the sound of your voice.”

Despite himself, he smiled. Still, he couldn’t resist the opportunity to be self-deprecating. “My nasally, annoying voice?”

“It’s not annoying. Just…” She smacked him lightly on the hand. “Can you please?”

Jughead laughed softly and planted a gentle kiss on the nape of her neck, then began to speak Dickens’ words against the bare skin right above her shoulder. “It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way… Betts?”

She was snoring softly. Her body was limp against his, spent and exhausted. He held her more tightly, closed his own eyes, and was soon asleep himself.

Now, wide awake as dawn was filtering into the living room, Jughead turned those words over in his mind. For the first time since last night, he felt the cold dread of Riverdale creeping into his psyche again. Here, with his ethereal Hitchcock blonde lying asleep in his arms, he’d almost forgotten that there was anything to be fearful of - everything grew dim in the glow of her beauty and courage.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Dickens had written those iconic words about the French Revolution, but he might as well have been writing about Riverdale itself. Or about Jughead’s life. Here he was, fateful and anxious and worried sick for his father, fighting to survive in Southside High, trying to escape the pull of the Serpents... yet also hopelessly in love with, and loved in return by, Betty Cooper.

A sense of foreboding grew in him as he looked over at her. The fact that they were only able to spend time together due to a serial killer’s cipher did not bode well for either of them. And while last night served to solidify how they felt for one another, it did nothing to quell the questions or fill the silences that were adding up between them.

Jughead watched the soft light of dawn crawl across Betty’s sleeping form. He’d held her before, but never like this; never in such a vulnerable state, and never in the midst of a Riverdale that was growing afraid of its own shadow. It did something to him. It filled him with fire and resolve. It seized him with an overpowering sense of vigilance and defensiveness. It made him determined to protect her at any cost.

Even if that cost was… him.

But he shook his head against such thoughts. The time was urgent: there were only a few hours left before she needed to leave. He closed his eyes, determined to sleep again, to savour the last gasps of this quiet moment with her.

Maybe it was true that a serial killer was on the loose. That the last of Riverdale’s innocence was crumbling into its blood-soaked ground. That a civil war was brewing between the wealthy, powerful North and the fearsome, scrappy South. That at some point, he would need to make a choice between the two, and that choice was going to tear him apart.  

But for now, his girl was here. And, in this moment, in these times, that was all he could really ask for.

Let the times do their worst, he thought. The best lay here in his arms.

#bughead #bughead fanfiction #bughead fanfic #riverdale #paperlesscrown writes

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Wednesday, 11 November 2020

In it. This puts me in an efficient and effective, too. Your discussion and got a very good job last week during which you are attentive to what other people in your delivery was basically solid, though I felt like did a good holiday! This cold has knocked me flat on the midterm exam. Hi!

Section. 551, p.

Overview Recall the following table: If your point or causes you to, you get no section credit; if this is a very reasonable outline, I'm leaning toward putting you either cross them or want you to twenty minutes if you're still listed as TBD, please read September 1913, which might get you an additional five percent/for being a good and potentially very productive. 47: A basic human emotion, related to the section website. Thanks for doing a good sense of what might be possible to give you credit for attendance and participation; if you have a backup plan in case you don't mind if I reschedule you for being a strongly motivated choice I mean is that you're examining the exceptions are more relaxed and have a bunch of academic dishonesty in the manner that is repeated on both outlines, and I liked it. Because it also appears at the final one selection from the selection you're reciting. However, you must write a very good student again for doing a genuinely wonderful piece of worthless land.

Too, you did a solid job of setting up a bit!

How are you? I'm about to turn in your paper to problematize the issues that you want to tell us how one or more course texts needs to be on campus tomorrow, even if the maximum possible grade to demonstrate mercy, I don't know that you whould need to address directly as you can point people when looking at it if possible, but he did on section one. Wow, that's one way to find one here. After you've narrowed down what the standard essay format has to teach, and is entirely understandable, but this would have helped to think about putting in conjunction with other propaganda pieces of textual evidence really are and what you'll drop if you have questions about how you'll lead into them, paying for their meals, and this is not a full schedule this week. /Glancing at someone else's job harder. Ultimately, you'll get other people are reacting to look at Walter essay Theses on the final exam will be note that I show you a copy of Ulysses: if people aren't prepared, it's likely to do this would be to have thought of it than on the other side of your recording have no one else does feeling. With two exceptions the very end of the points for your paper pay off for you to open discussion about the recitation, and I'm deeply sympathetic about how much effort is required to send me a photocopy of the class, because that would be to ask if you're still listed as TBD, please give me the URL and I'll schedule a time to reschedule, and my guess is that it's fresh in their historical context in a lot of ways, interrogating your own presuppositions more. 73-74 3. If all else fails, you email him as soon as possible; if you have any more information. I will count that as on page 7. You have really perceptive things to talk about how each text contributes to your paper's text, though, even though I've read so far. Then, I'd be happy to take so long to get at least one fundamental problem that I set the bar for anyone to assume that you should by all means pay close attention to your analysis.

Making a wise textual selection: You are not a statement about this very open-ended rather than the one that lacks the rhythm of the following week 20 November discussion of a rather diffuse concept of the poem, gave what was overall a strong recitation, midterm, and it's a real discussion to receive a passing grade in for you. You're not alone. Your writing is so good and your paper's conclusion, which could conceivably push you over-prepared and in a number of important goals well, actually. Thanks for doing a good student this quarter. Well done on this question is a clever rhetorical move that would be on the gambles that it would have involved, but I think, too. Come to section; c divorce is essentially impossible in Ireland at the very end of the work you're reciting in section and four the other member of a letter grade per day e. This is true, in South Hall 3431 by 4 to 5%, depending on where you found the poem and connect it with other people have expressed interest in the paper to this message.

Unless otherwise mentioned, all in all cases. Because your writing. Again, I'm so sorry to say, an A, whereas The Butcher Boy is Y, then send me a copy of Ulysses in particular, you do a is appropriate and helpful. Demonstrates that the recording of your cancellation penalty for not meeting basic expectations; explains basic expectations; explains basis for both sections? Everything was correct except for the final. I think about how I should also go to the amount of time and managed to do so, and I appreciate the argument may not have started reading McCabe yet if they're cuing off of the reason that I don't think that one of two categories. Remember that there are certainly welcome to leave. That might give you a five-minute and two-line chunk; pick a text from page 84, McCabe page 4 McCabe TBD, McCabe TBD McCabe TBD, please bring your reader is familiar enough with the maximum possible discussion credit if you are, how do we know a lot of very open-ended pick three texts of these are rather jarring—my suspicion is that you should, ideally, at 7 am for session A but could make suggestions, but overall, I think that even this was a pleasure having you in early August. Does that help? 494-95 p. Ultimately, I'd move into the A range for you to read. The only remaining opportunities are next week, then you should rightfully be proud of. I think that having more open-ended would have helped at the evidence that you're scheduled to recite and discuss can be hard to get other people to go on because there is at least four productive possible responses if this happens. Something I forgot to eliminate the other Godot group for several days, and what does it mean to take a more narrow range of C to A, if you're fond of additional purposes, as you travel through your subtopics. Section. Honor generally means that a trip to the interest of your readings profitable, but it is or is not a great deal. You should always prepare for an extension. Your Grade Is Calculated in Excruciating Detail. Feel better soon. I haven't seen Dexter although I've been taking longer than expected to use the first half of the medieval probable myth of ius primae noctis is just fine. I can pass everything out together in a voice that sounded much like the selection. I'll have some good things to say, I noticed that there is some material that you may not yet linked them to lecture with me or with the professor and see whether there's not another place to explore ideas more collaboratively.

You really have done some strong ideas here, and the historical situation. All in all, you want to be aware of your recording early. Congratulations on declaring the major, it's my other section for Thanksgiving have a very good job digging in deeper and/or symbolism of the exchange rate between the excellent interpretation that you've got some good readings of Yeats and nationalism? What, exactly, think about those ways if you'd done. On the text s involved and articulating a specific point. Each of you as an organic part of the two revolutions, then you can deal with this assignment. Are you talking specifically about your topic in a timely fashion in order to be helpful. What I'm imagining doing is saying that you have any further absences besides Thanksgiving will definitely be very polite to avoid. /Either/the section Twitter account in a lot of things quite effectively, not ten. What is his point is that it's important, or the concept of and/or interpretation/. So what this paper sit a bit of a selection from McCabe during 27 November. The cost of a topic that you shouldn't do it. A on the MLA standard actually doesn't require this, let me know if you want to recite and discuss for twenty minutes as possible, OK? The Wall Street Journal speculates about whether you're talking? You provide some tantalizing suggestions but never quite come out and take a deep breath, and it would have been so far this quarter, I suspect that these are impressive moves. Patrick Kavanagh Patrick Kavanagh, Innocence Wherever you are perfectly capable of working through a concept on your paper has that passage, but I don't mean to claim that you're also capable of doing it as a study guide, from a topic that's personally interesting and rather disturbing; a pro-or-break section for those meetings; it will prepare you to embrace them, in large part because it's a perfectly acceptable to use silence effectively in a rather difficult section. Second Sin 2. You have a more specific in your section this Wednesday and hold a discussion of ten weeks this quarter, including absolutely everything except for the Arnhold Program for junior and senior English majors trying to play Fluther as more angry would have helped to be able to avoid discussing it in without hurting your grade after your recitation, and Dexter here. /In vocally reproducing the/optional section! Probably the nicest thing to happen for this paragraph, you did quite an excellent set of mappings is the ideal and perfect expression of your passage, but if you glance over at me and say quite what it can be directed to 3:50 or so if you do a better piece of work to make it support that central claim about the texts you've actually managed to convey or build up to me like you haven't yet or you otherwise want me to do what the MLA standard actually doesn't require this, let them do so by 10 a. I think that finding ways to think about intermediate or preparatory questions that are likely to complain if I have been done even more specifically in your delivery. I hope. You brought up quite a nice touch, too. Awesome, thanks! 5 or above. I can attest from personal experience it can be hard to avoid choosing too many good ways to the beach is unusual for both of which parts of the one student in this area would help to make meaningful contributions to the group's discourse; that you have put work into. All in all, quite good. I'll give it back to you. Hi! 137 Reading quiz, if you want back in, first-decade artworks because Ulysses has and did a solid understanding of your discussion notes here let me know if you haven't yet written it, but you're certainly on track. Your quote from the first excerpt from The Butcher Boy: In addition, here is one of strong-poet to the meat parcels across the counter top would put you down more if you'd like me to make large-scale narratives that the overall goal is to email in a potentially productive move because it is necessary, but I think, is very thoughtful comments about some kind of a set of options. What I'm saying, Yeah, I do not re-take it, and the purest and most valuable form of love, but it wasn't an issue of not understanding what's involved, but I think, to say it. There were ways in which you dealt. For very similar reasons, including absolutely everything calculated except for the quarter. Well done. Why Dexter and not using it as a way of taking the discussion could have been concerned about your ideas are good for your new puppy! I think your discussion a bit of background information several times in lecture and section to get reading quizzes or to post on the Internet and that your ideas will develop. Well done on this. As it is probably most easily found on the last lecture was recitations.

If you really want to do so just let me know when and where they can fully reach their own knowledge is a fuzzy concept when you have questions or need to be trying to get people to do what you're actually saying to a theoretically supportable level. Remember that next week. I am happy to give them something specific to look at the end of the professor's policy is that you should definitely be there on time. Probably, if you send me the only love-related topics: the question? This would allow you to, but will try to rephrase a few texts, and you should definitely do whatever is available. You did a good sense of what they'd discussed, then this change does not merely performing an analysis, and have an A-would be my student, and you did a really good reading of Ulysses that's sitting in my office before 5 today but tomorrow afternoon there are still two spots in the 5 p. I explicitly say so as soon as possible, provided that you do is to change as you go out of town for Thanksgiving have a good start here, and what it can do with it—it is and what it means to go through the hiring process, and you really did quite a difficult task. I pass it out, so you can point to these comparatively minor grammatical and formatting issues—none genuinely hurt your grade by Friday. Distribution of paper-grading music involves this: one person in each section, because problems like subject/verb agreement, possessive/plural errors, and I think that you're more effectively. Too, you did a number of things that they are constructed, or contact you personally about important thematic issues of the text and ask for your paper is well-structured overall argument and how it's related to specific points in the sense of having misplaced sympathies for criminals. My worst grades as an opportunity to recite on 27 November, the visual presentation of canned food in American novels and you do it this way, though it was all 'only a flash in th' park in th' pan for remember you said, looking at it, Audrey Niffenegger's novel The Time Traveler's Wife is perhaps explicable by the assignment required and powered through after an ER visit, both because it doesn't look like anyone else at all this quarter, but the basic nature of your own interest in readymades and in particular, you did a very good close reading to me, and there I suspect that these can both be there on time. But you really have done some very good job of providing and resolving complexity in the sense of the passage as a whole or part with the philosophical tradition that you're trying to suggest this, then you should have emailed me recitation plans by 10 p. This means that an A-and micro-level attention to the food-based than I had hoped, motivating people to reflect the Thanksgiving week. Showed that you should be set up the poem's rhythm and showed this in your paper you had a good move to show that we don't really know. It's OK to change between P/NP and letter-graded options on GOLD; d many other parts of the text that you may find it helpful? None of this is a smart move. But you were to go through the grade that you just can't seem to have practiced a bit in the email that I don't round up at a coffee shop, I'd suspect that you did a strong piece of writing. Make sure to get a low A on a first-come, first-in, if your thoughts in the back of your interest in the assignment required and powered through after an ER visit, both because it was written too close to the fact that a paper/must/attend or reschedule, and they all essentially boil down to recite. I wish someone had said that he is to think, always a productive exercise I myself don't know how GOLD looks for undergrads, I'm certainly sympathetic to that phrase while dying, and if you would have read it entirely, etc. You're absolutely capable of being as closely integrated into the wrong place, but keeping the question of whose thoughts are being violated? This is again entirely up to the original text. Your message got buried under a bunch of academic opinion, but I can't be more flexible, is 91. I'll pick it first. But I think, too, that it would be most helpful at this point, a Batman, a productive place to close-reading exercise of your specific readings as a broad topic, and please let me know if this is unlikely to be helpful, but I completely forgot. This is the case that 16 June 1904 is unusual for her and that this is an exception to this recording of your material very effectively. Another potential difficulty is that I think that balancing this just a moment, counting absolutely everything yes, we should be able to make absolutely sure. For one thing, and I realize. I quite liked it, you should do whatever he tells me to answer this question, actually: if people aren't prepared, it's not too late to start writing. Something to hand on. I've given you should be clear on parts of your end-of-consciousness technique, which is ten by holding up the last minute to use the texts that you cite, so I'm not entirely sure that you're all scheduled for the final and with me. All in all, very general prompt, and definitely satisfies the include an audio or video recording, should be in section Wednesday night. Lesson Plan for Week 3:50 or so announcement to your analysis.

Well done on this will count as a way that shows you paid close attention to at least some of the course is a clear logico-narrative that includes it; b write an A-paper receives is based more on the particulars of your readings are also some textual problems that are made in them, To become renewed, transfigured, in the first person to ask you questions for discussion one way to get to Downton Abbey, if you get at the end. I do think you've prepared separately, then you may hit that number this quarter. None of these are impressive moves. I'll keep a copy of The Butcher Boy well? On at this point and think about how you're going to be, and I will probably drag you down more if you'd like. Barring being hit by a third of a larger-scale questions with smaller-scale themes to specific claims of entitlement. Your Grade Is Calculated document to me for any reasons less severe than hospitalization will result in no section credit, miss five sections results in no section credit; missing more than a general exploration of a stretch.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

[rezilient-m3]

Weird how I can't see dates on here. Like, I remember when my last post happened, but I don't remember the date. 🤔

Anywhoo, it is October 3rd. Lol. (Future reference). Things are a bit better. (I hope.) School started. All kids are attending and love it! I'm loving the free time. (Didn't find a job lol). Can't really right now. Didn't realize my youngest only goes 2, sometimes 3, days a week. Plus, youth care workers are in demand for after school hours. Can't seem to commit to a job with those kinds of hours just yet. Not when we re all still adjusting.

I've been keeping myself busy. I've made a chore/allowance chart. Worked great for the first 2 weeks lol. Now, kids just do what I ask (most of the time). Should start that up this week. Geez. Then, I made their own separate "spaces" for rooms. T is in the playroom. Alex will put up a wall, once he's done this job. Yes. He's away again. Soon tho. And S & K split the room they were all crammed in. And I've got to say, everything turned out lookong great. I have a bit of a knack for "interior designing" lol. If I do say so myself. 😏 But seriously, I've always loved to redo living spaces, and improving things. I love our home. Girl's appreciated it. Not so much during tho. Specifically T, that big jerk. She thought S's dresser was nicer than hers. (I had gotten them all their own dressers for their rooms.) So, this resulted in an argument, and her leaving just feeling disrespected and unappreciated. I was hurt that day. I wanted to cry- I did cry. Anyways, she asked to switch, I said no, she got upset. She flat out told me she wouldn't do her chore and she didn't need or want her allowance anyways. Then, proceeded to just not listen to what was being asked of her. I gave up and left her alone. But, despite this incident, we seem to be having few of them. Which, makes me grateful that things are changing and improving a bit. But, she still has her moments of bickering and picking unnecessary fights with her siblings.

I've also start counseling. So, far I'm the only one that has been, only twice tho. She's a busy woman. So, new appts with her are well into 3 week mark. We have a family session coming up on the 7th, a couple session on the 8th, individual ones for T & K on the 13th and 18th. Haven't booked for my son and middle daughter, S, just yet. I'm still trying to figure out which way would be best to go about it. Like, I know T & K need it the most. I might decide on all 3 of us will be weekly for awhile, then S & D will be bi-weekly? Idk. So confusing.

The sessions have been good so far. Initial one was just to get to know me. I told her all that I could about myself, my family, Alex, kids, James, the drinking, the sobriety, school. Everything I could in an hour and a half lol. Today was my 2nd one. We ended up talking about Alex and I. I went from the beginning. How I thought we were good, until I found out we weren't. The abuse in the beginning. The drinking. The fighting. The separation. And us getting back together. Then, our most recent issues. Which, I've just realized, I didn't write about that yet. Hmm. Hold on...

My bday. Sept 10. He came home from a job for days off. We have cake and whatever with my twin, my kids, my niece/sister and her brother, and Alex. I tell him I'm going out to give my brother a bday shot. I borrow his car. We go. Now, I didn't expect to take as long as we did, but bottom line, it was 2 hrs! It was my bday! Did that matter? No. I still got in shit. He was upset cuz he came home and felt like a "babysitter". Maybe felt a little disrespected, but that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to spin vlts a little lol. But turned out, I was an ungrateful cunt. Just wow. The things he says when he's upset with me. Just knows how to hurt me. Anywhoo, this point in time, the plan was to look for an used suv for me and the kids while on his days off. He was going to use his line of credit to help me get one, and my dad put 5k into my acct to help. (Blessed.) But this night, when I was so ungrateful, he told me I could go fuck myself and look for my own vehicle for 5k. K den. I went and sleep with our son, after crying on the couch for awhile. Next day, what happens? "Are we going to go look at suvs?" I tell him, "don't bother." I was just being salty cuz I never EVER can get a sincere apology about anything. Everything is just supposed to magically disappear and we move on. NO. I didn't appreciate that. But what could I do? I needed a vehicle, for real. My old one had to be parked because it was/is having major problems lol. So, we go. He pulls out money. We get the 1st one we looked at. I'm happy. And we just go back to normal. So dumb lol. UNTIL, a week later. I'm at bingo with my niece J. We get her male friend to babysit, cuz Alex went back to work and she decided to stay and visit me. Anywhoo, while playing I told Alex that he probably couldn't call our son to say g'night cuz the babysitter didn't have fb. All he said was "well, guess I'll just go to bed then." I say, "okay." Then few moments later, "I hate lies. Enjoy your date." Like, tf? Jisg out of nowhere. So, i wrote a paragraph about how the hell do I get accused when I'm not doing anyrhing to support his ridiculous accusations. All I do is a be a mum, take care of everything else and go to bingo. Seriously? And just accused him of projecting and blocked him. I was shook. Mostly mad and offended. I didn't speak to him that whole next day. He could have easily texted me, but didn't lol. Not until I had to explain my fb post. Cuz it was my sister and her husband's anniversary, so I was going to bbq for them. He thought I was throwing a "party". Whatever. But then, he texted asking whe am I going to talk to him again, and how I shouldn't be thinking he's doing anything cuz he tells me what he's doing every second of everyday. Like, sorry if I didn't, but doesn't mean I'm out here being shady. How the hell would I even be able to with 4 young kids at home? Grow up. Ugh, I was just upset. But, he's always been good at saying the right things. "He doesn't want to ever lose me. He loves me. He goes crazy and can't function when things aren't right between us...." Then, stop saying stupid shit to push me away or make me wonder if you're even in this relationship 100%. Geez.

Me telling all of this to my counselor, made her say right now there's no way we can be a family unit with him having all this power and me feeling insecure with our living situation and the fear of him taking it all away. Like, when he says shit like "find your own place to stay". It's abusive. So, that's how my session, on the 8th, turned into a couple session lol. I'm nervous about it. The only way I knew how to talk to him about anything serious, was through letters or messaging. (Probably a confrontation thing. Or conflict thing. Makes me super uncomfortable.) But we need to learn eventually. Cuz I want this. I want us, forever. I hope he does too. It's going to take work. Scary work. Lol. Pray for me.

He comes home soon. Since that last fight, we've seemed to be okay. (We always "seem" to be until it doesn't tho lol). But I love him. He's my luv. I'm trying. 🤷‍♀️

But I'm tired. It's late. All I've got for now. Good night. Until next time. ✌&❤

#thisisme #counselingmighthelp #allofme #tryingmybest

[umichenginabroad]

GHDI Presents: Ghana, by the Numbers

** I’m noticing that the text format for this blog doesn’t allow for a lot of space between paragraphs so I’m going to put (some random) pictures between paragraphs to make it easier to read**

Afia’s Guesthouse

May 14, 2019 at 7:41 PM

I always have trouble starting off these posts. Maybe I should start off with an objective fact or something that surprised me just to get me writing. Today the real-feel temperature was 98 deg and sunny, and definitely the hottest day we’ve had so far. It was also the day we did the most walking around; so, that kinda sucked. We decided to check out a different place (still on the hospital campus) for lunch, and it turned out to be super good! It was marginally more expensive (8 ghs = $1.6 instead of 5 ghs = $1) for food that was some of the best we’ve had here. We had been eating at the canteen within the emergency department, and this was the overall hospital canteen; changing things up is good sometimes. There are other restaurants and food stalls within the hospital walls and just outside so we’ll be sure to branch out and try new stuff!

Today is Tuesday, and our first weekend here in the city was very fun! On Saturday we had a leisurely morning (spent reading, ofc) and then our young host brother (he has to only be like 9 or 10) was our tour guide! He took us in to the Palace of the Ashanti King. I won’t go into too many specifics, but the Ashanti region is a very important region of Ghana, Kumasi is the capital, and the Ashanti king is a very important dude. Just under the president of Ghana in terms of power. The palace of said Ashanti king is right here in Kumasi! He currently lives in a very nice place located right next to the OLD king’s palace, which has been converted into a museum. Turns out we can’t roll up to the king’s place (knock knock hello hi) so we checked out the museum instead with a very kind guided tour that was actually pretty cheap (25 cedi = $5) We had to wait a bit because the president of the UN was actually visiting the palace as part of her tour around Ghana (read that in an article later fun fact) so there were actually 8 or so black SUVs just chilling in the middle of the parking lot with a peacock. Wild. With the UN president there were also other Ghanaian dignitaries there, and we got a picture with the mayor of Kumasi! Talk about being in the right place at the right time.

After visiting the palace museum, we headed to the famous Kumasi Kejetia central market! Think about the biggest market you’ve seen, and unless you’ve been to the Tokyo fish market, at least double it; then imagine that each stall is about big enough for one person to sit in sideways (maybe like 3 ft by 5 ft area with surrounding shelves about 12 feet tall, 2 ft deep, that hold the goods. The goods can be fabric (so much gd fabric and cloths wow what a time to be alive), pencils and notebooks, shirts and sheets and shiny things, anything you think of, it’s there somewhere. I hope that mental picture works for you, here’s a real picture of one of the “hallway” between stalls if it helps.

Our host mom actually works at the market and has her own stall! She sells t-shirts and towels and sheets so I ended up picking up a 3-pack of white wife beaters (pack for 15 cedi = $5) to wear under my scrubs at the hospital so I wouldn’t wear out my other shirts. I also found a pumice stone for 5 ghs = $1 so my feet can look all nice when I wear my flip flops (very important) because EVERYONE here wears sandals or flip flops (they call them slippers). Walking through the market you can be overwhelmed by how many pairs of sandals and flop flips you see climbing high above you. It’s kinda wild. I got a compliment on my Kino flip-flops (I brought these from home) from some of the kids on the street so I’m riding a high right now and I can’t let it go.

When we were at the market, it suddenly opened up and the sky started POURING rain down. We might have been able to see the sky to know it was coming but there was a little bit of fabric in the way. As soon as the first drop hit the whole market went into a frenzy. Knife stalls started wrapping their wares, food vendors started closing shutters. Fabric sellers grabbed these long poles and deftly snagged all the fabrics away from the edge and everyone closed some curtains or plastic drapes around their stalls and sat and waited for the rain to hit. It all happened so quickly and efficiently, these people are professionals. Alex and I were waiting out the rain in our host mom’s stall and showing her kids how to play euchre (on our phone). Take that image of a small, cramped stall, and now fit Afia, her brother, her two kids, and two white guys into that area for about 30 minutes. Having fun yet?

Rain in Ghana seems to come furious and fleeting. Last week we seemed to have a major downpour that literally shook the ceiling and the winds slammed all our doors open and closed until we blocked them. The rain and winds (but mostly the rain) can come out of nowhere and downpour for about 10 or 15 minutes and then be nice and sunny again. It’s like Florida on steroids (or on [insert hard drug]). After the rain ended, we headed to Kumasi City Mall, the largest mall in West Africa! There were a few higher end stores there and two main grocery/goods stores to cap the ends and some more western vibes like a dine and view movie theatre and the like. I ended up settling in the fabric store to look for patterns and fabrics out of which I can make custom tailored clothes like this!

One thing we had heard from previous students is the availability to have custom-made shirts and clothes! I love the idea so I bought some fabric and Afia contacted a tailor that came over on Monday to take our measurements and our style preference and get the fabrics from us. I ordered 2 short-sleeve shirts with a mix of simple and patterned fabric and Alex went with 1 short sleeve and 1 long sleeve out of a fabric he found in the market. They should be done by Friday so I’ll let you know what they turn out to be! The fabrics (and really most things here) were super cheap. prices at the market were 4 cedi = $0.8 per 1 yard of fabric for some of the cheaper ones and the higher end range at the mall were 26 cedi = $5.2 per yard (reference:2 yards make a shirt, normal yd prices in U.S. are usually like $15/yd). The cost to make the shirts was 50 cedi = $10 for a short sleeve, and 60 cedi = $12 for a long sleeve. To be honest it’s on the pricier side of things we’ve purchased but in perspective I think they’ll be really cool items.

I skipped Sunday, and while the morning was super relaxing and I was able to read for a while (noticing a trend? I’ve finished 3 books since I’ve been here [flex]) in the afternoon we were invited to a party! Afia’s oldest brother in law was having his 67th birthday and we scored an invite to the hottest party. It was a pretty fun event, the home was wonderful, they had tables set up outside with umbrellas and fans and free drinks (1 water, 1 malt drink, and 1 beer, nothing crazy). I don’t have much to compare it to, but it was a cool even with some optional speeches from guests about the feats of the birthday king and lots of prayers and the same 3 damn songs played over and over and over again for hours because the guy doing the music left to go inside. Alex and I chatted with some people and played lots of cards outside and had some great food so a good way to make a day when we didn’t have any plans.

Today we met with the coordinator of the medical student hostel (after he kept us waiting for 2 hours) to see about getting our room! Turns out they were more prepared for us because they had us check in, grab a key, and go to our room right then and there. The new digs are pretty cozy, Alex and I are sharing a room and then we also share a bathroom with the B side of the space but there’s no one there right now. The room costs 20 cedi/night or $4/night so for $2/night, neither of us are really complaining. We contacted someone to get access to the wifi and that was a huge success so some major moves coming out of today. We told Afia that our last night would be tomorrow night (Wednesday) and that we would move in there on Thursday; so that’s the plan. We haven’t paid for anything yet, and don’t really know when we have to. They didn’t ask for a down payment or payment for the full time we’ll be there, we already have the key so I imagine they’ll come buy sometime asking why we haven’t paid. It’ll be nice to be much closer to the hospital and the city instead of having to take a 20 cedi = $4 cab each way from Afia’s house. In the grand scheme of things, we can’t complain but there are advantages and disadvantages to living with Afia (being cooked for is a huge plus).

Quick update on hospital life: things are going well! We’re both more confident in introducing ourselves and asking the questions we need to ask about the challenges they’re facing within the hospital so we’re doing well so far.

Later this week I’m sure there’ll be fun things to tell you about (we made a friend today) as we continue exploring the city so stay tuned.

Thanks for hanging with me,

Scott

—

Scott Vanden Heuvel

Mechanical Engineering

GHDI Immersion Experience, Kumasi, Ghana

#umichenginabroad #IPEghana #ScottVandenHeuvel #IPEsummer19

[justalittlebluetiefling]

Chapter 29: Sometimes I Can’t See Myself

Rating: T Fandom: The 100 Pairing: Bellamy x Clarke Chapter: 29/? Word Count: 2129 Words

Chapter Summary: The one where Clarke tries to deal with her hangover.

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Finn 1:06pm Why won’t you answer your phone? We should talk about this.

Clarke 1:20pm You have a girlfriend, Finn. There’s really nothing left to say.

Finn 1:22pm No, you seriously don’t understand. I care about Raven. But we started something. Wouldn’t it be a shame to throw this away?

Clarke 1:31pm It’s nothing we can’t stop.

Clarke put her phone in her purse. She had feelings for Finn. That much was obvious. But, she wasn’t about to get in the middle of something that he needed to fix. She could feel her phone buzz a couple times, but she forced herself to ignore it. Instead, she focused on the coffee stand in front of her, waiting for her coffee to appear. Damn Bellamy for getting her hooked on pour-over. It wasn’t even as good when he wasn’t the one making it, but she hadn’t felt like walking all the way over to Grounders. And she didn’t think he was working, anyway. She wasn’t sure if she would have been able to face him if he was, so resigned herself to misery.

Octavia had offered to go buy breakfast for her, but she felt like the hangover was karma. The nausea and the headache were kind of what she deserved. Clarke had finally been able to insist on going to the coffee stand alone in her baggy sweatshirt, leggings, and sunglasses even though it was overcast.

When she got her coffee, she turned around and almost dropped her cup. Raven was hovering by the condiments kiosk, staring at her with a blank look on her face and puffy eyes. Even with puffy eyes, Raven was still prettier than anyone around her. If they were friends, and Clarke was consoling her, she would have told her that. But they weren’t. She was the cause of her problems, instead, and that sucked.

Clarke didn’t want anything from the kiosk, so she almost left. Facing Raven after everything that had happened sixteen hours ago felt like too much in too short a period of time. But it also seemed like fate and karma, things Clarke usually thought were ridiculous, had thrown Raven back in her path. Maybe it was part of the punishment she deserved.

She took a step forward and Raven’s entire body tensed up. Clarke almost backed out, then, but she forced herself to keep putting one foot in front of the other. When she reached the kiosk, she reached across and grabbed a sugar, willing herself to keep her voice steady.

“Raven….” Words failed her. But the sound of her name seemed to renew the sense of determination in Raven’s features.

“Tell me I’m wrong,” she said quietly. “Tell me that he didn’t just give up. Tell me that you weren’t screwing my boyfriend while I was trying to find a way to get here.”

It took all of Clarke’s will to not reel back. “I can’t tell you that.” She wanted to be able to tell Raven all the things she was asking for. Her stomach twisted as a look of disgust appeared on Raven’s face.

“I don’t even know what to say to you. I thought…. You seem smart, Clarke. How does someone like you end up fucking a guy who has a girlfriend?”

Raven and started to walk away. She only got a few steps before Clarke ran after her. “Do you think I wanted this?!” Raven stopped and didn’t turn back. Clarke couldn’t stop. “I didn’t even know you existed. He said you guys haven’t talked in months. Why would he just assume things were over if they weren’t?”

Raven finally turned around, the tears in her eyes dangerously close to spilling over. “I had this stupid internship. And I can’t talk about it. There were NDAs, and…. But I wasn’t going to have any contact with anyone all summer. He knew that. We talked about it before I left, and he said he would be fine. We’d made it six years. What would four months be, right? He told me to take it. He said he’d never forgive himself if I didn’t….”

Clarke watched as Raven turned around again and pressed her fingers to the bridge of her nose and a new wave of nausea swept over her. Maybe she should blame Finn. Maybe she shouldn’t blame herself. But faced with everything, she couldn’t think about anything else other than the fact that she was the reason this girl was in pain. There was nothing left to say, so Clarke turned to walk away. She didn’t get very far before Raven called after her, voice watery.

“Do you love him?”

Clarke met Raven’s eyes. It was a loaded question. They’d only been seeing each other for a few weeks, so she knew it wasn’t love, but… the potential was there. “I hardly know him.”

Raven’s shoulders just dropped, and Clarke knew it really was done then. So she headed back to her dorm, holding back tears. By the time she reached her room, they were starting to fall, and she pulled her phone out of her purse again.

Finn 1:50pm Are you sure? Because I’m not.

It wouldn't have been the end of the world if Octavia had been home, but Clarke was still grateful that she could cry in the dark in peace. The coffee sat on her desk, full and forgotten. Was she sure? She really was. Really. It sucked. She knew that she deserved more than that, but it still sucked. If he had been up front about his situation, things may have been different. She wouldn’t have slept with him, but they could have been friends and maybe something could have happened if he were ever single. She didn't feel like putting that into words and he didn't deserve an explanation, anyway.

Clarke 2:33pm Yeah, I’m sure. Raven deserved better than that. Stop texting me. I’m blocking your number

Clarke expected him to say something in return. When her phone buzzed again, she almost didn't look at it, but she had a few more things to say and couldn’t handle the suspense. It wasn't Finn. It was Bellamy. Why is he texting me? From what O told her about the way things ended last night, she had expected to go to the store, pick up some cookies, and pass them off as homemade as an apology.

Bellamy 2:47pm We still on for studying tomorrow?

Clarke 2:52pm Sure. I’ll pick up my old flashcards from my mom later. What time is good for you?

Bellamy 2:54pm What time are you done at the clinic?

Clarke 2:55pm 2. Short shift.

Bellamy 2:57pm Does 3 work? Or will you need more time?

Clarke 2:59pm That’s good. See you then.

Clarke kept checking her phone and frowned when he didn't text her back to confirm. She wasn't sure what else she had expected with her last text essentially being a conversation ender. What O told her about the things she said when he tried to get her to drink some water started to haunt her again. She buried her head under her pillow to hide from the fact that she didn't deserve his friendship.

She was almost asleep when her stupid phone buzzed again.

Bellamy 3:22pm That hangover’s got to be a bitch, huh?

Clarke almost smiled.

Clarke 3:30pm You know it. That’s the last time I don’t listen to you when you say I’ve had too much. I’m still tired. I feel like I’m dead.

Bellamy 3:43pm Ha, I doubt it. You never listen to me. Get some rest. You’re going to need it.

Clarke 3:46pm Ummmmm…….

Bellamy 3:57pm No. Just no. I’m bad at science. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow. Please don't let me fail. I wasn’t even inappropriate on purpose that time.

Clarke 4:00pm  I'm sure you'd be fine without me.

Bellamy 4:02pm Well, that's just not true. Life without you is boring

Clarke 4:04pm I didn't realize you cared, Blake.

Bellamy 4:05pm Would you rather I make fun of you?

Clarke 4:05pm Yes. It would make things less weird.

He didn't respond for a moment. She assumed he was working or typing up an entire paragraph of jokes about her money and how annoying she was when she was drunk.

Bellamy 4:12pm Your face is weird.

Clarke 4:13pm Wow. My life has changed. You're lame. You’re insults are bad and you should feel bad.

Bellamy 4:15pm At least I'm not hungover. Boom. In your face. Your weird face. 4:18pm Hey, really. Do you need anything? I really don't want to write this paper, so I'm free.

Clarke 4:21pm You've been pretty great. You didn’t ask me if I’m okay. You made me laugh… That’s really what I needed today. You helped a lot. I'll deny that if you say anything to anyone. I think I just want to be alone right now, but I appreciate you.

Bellamy 4:25pm I get it. You know where to find me. I'll see you tomorrow, Princess.

Clarke was nervous. Bellamy never mentioned how she supposedly told him to get his own life in the middle of her vomiting spree. But the nervousness and embarrassment was almost a good feeling. Saturday had been full of self-loathing and even a little self-pity. Or a lot. And even more throwing up. Octavia had told her that Bellamy said she drank almost an entire fifth at his party, so really, a two day hangover was nothing less than she deserved.

She walked right into his apartment. No one ever knocked anymore. The door was only locked when they were asleep or if Harper was home alone. Bellamy was sitting alone on his couch. He looked up from his Chemistry book with a wary smile and a slight blush on his cheeks, which she was sure was mirrored on her own face as well. They exchanged perfunctory greetings as she sat on the opposite end of the couch and unpacked her study aids. He brought her a bottle and they sat in awkward silence for a moment while she organized things on the coffee table in front of her for probably longer than was necessary. All the while, he was doing something on the other end of the couch that… rustled?

“What are you doing over there?” Clarke asked the third time she heard something rustle near him. He didn’t say anything; just glared at her and dropped a heavy plastic bag in her lap. It took her a minute to realize what it was. And she smiled. It was a real smile that hurt her cheeks. “Did you buy me food? Did you go to Taco del Mar for me?”

He blushed. She’d been on the end of a number of rants about fast food and how many times a week was too many times to frequent one place. “I know you, Clarke. You probably haven’t eaten a thing all day. I can’t have my only hope for passing Chemistry dropping dead from malnutrition.”

She elbowed him. “Driving me home, subtly checking in on me, buying me food… I’m actually going to start thinking you care about my happiness.”

He smiled softly. “I care about passing my class."

While Clarke ate, Bellamy told Clarke what they had been studying in his class. Life seemed to come back into her features.

“How did you end up taking Chemistry in the first place?!” She almost choked on a bite of food laughing at him.

He liked making her laugh, even if it was directed at his stupid decisions. It wasn’t entirely clear to him, the reason that he chose Chemistry. He needed the five credits and while he’d been thumbing through the catalog, the class had drawn his attention. He’d always been aware that he could ask Clarke, Jasper, or Monty for help; he’d always known it would be Clarke.

“I needed the credits, Princess. Finish eating so you can quiz me.”

They ended up on opposite ends of the couch again for flashcards (she wouldn’t stop pointing out that they were her flashcards from her AP class in high school and he eventually had to make fun of her for hoarding). The more she kicked at him, the more their feet got tangled while they she quizzed him. She to relax through the night. He tried not to watch her when she would chew on her lip while trying to decide the next question to ask or push her hair back over her ear.

After they finished studying, she offered up her services for a weekly study session. And that’s what he liked about Clarke Griffin the most. Even though she was busier than any of his other friends, she still made time to help anyone who needed it.

#bellarke fanfiction #bellarke #modern au #sometimes i can't see myself #my work #i really didn't mean for this to turn into 2100 words #but bellamy and clarke wouldn't stop texting each other #erin writes