#always open for discussion too

[puniyo]

On why Kinn is one of the most interesting characters in Kinnporsche (and also why he is not that inhuman machine that people take him for)…

*contains spoilers for episodes 1 to 5*

Because no matter how one reads Kinn, one is reading only one of the layers that we as viewers have managed to shred so far.

I’m in love with Kinn since his first appearance in the series, the long stride of his back view only, the confident posture and shooting to kill without blinking (don’t have me started on the threat about traitors in Italian). He seems to be this oppressive and exude this dominating aura whenever he passes by. And yes, the show seems to convince us that he is so, but also so much more. That is the layer that is easiest to be seen and also the easiest for viewers to somehow feel alienated. But this is also what makes it more meaningful when we start to understand why Kinn is playing this, dare I say, arrogant persona.

Humans are shaped by the environment around them. Our personality is not fixed. Alas, nothing is permanent in the human psyche. The “nature” in each one of us is just a set of genes that predetermines us to particular characteristics and traits. It is “nurture” though that elevates or muffles our biological inheritance.

Kinn is a product of the environment surrounding him. Kinn is the way he is because of the mafia background of his family. Do we really want a meek and all-understanding Kinn when we take into account all the things that have been told, and not exposed to the viewers? Let us count what we (don’t) know. And a disclaimer here that all these are based on what I have observed from the available episodes, together with my mom. Yes, you read it right, my 60+ mother is a lover of BL dramas and we have a blast every weekend watching them. So:

Kinn grew up and is also living in a mafia family. There are no roses and rainbows here. We are dealing with black market, shark loans, possibly drugs and illegal substances, gambling, and so forth. The purpose is not to make a social criticism. Art for art’s sake.

Korn has three children but he can only rely on Kinn to continue the family’s legacy. The expectations and pressure on Kinn’s shoulders are immensurable.

Tankhun suffers from social anxiety and most likely PTSD due to the times he was kidnapped and tortured in childhood. Kinn, being the middle child, most likely grew up seeing Tankhun crying at night alone, going hysterical over loud noises, breaking down and having meltdowns for no apparent reason in the middle of the day. Kinn witnessed all that and most likely came to two conclusions: he will protect Tankhun from further harm and he does not want to go through the same. Both conclusions lead to the same outcome: one must be strong, even if that means creating iron walls and wearing a steel armor around himself.

If Kinn doesn’t like to see Tankhun suffer, he must also be very protective of Kim. I think all three brothers are actually very protective of each other, just in their own respective ways.

The family compound is literally a factory to foster fighters and killing machines. Imagine a child being taught that in order to survive this grim world, he needs to be at the top of his physique, learn how to fire a gun, how to use different weapons.

Because of factor (5), maybe it’s not the Kinn never had any friends. Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t approach others. Maybe it’s the others who are afraid to approach him.

We have not heard anything about Kinn’s mother. He says he resembles his mother most, but that could have been just a taunting statement. Is she still alive? Has she been present in his life at all?

Kinn most likely had a lover in the past that betrayed him. I’m more inclined for this route than the lover dying or leaving him for safety reasons. Death and breaking up will lead to grief and sorrow, which can be overcome through time (I’m not saying that it is easy though). But betrayal leads to loss of trust and trust is one of the most fucking difficult things to ever recover. Once trust is lost, one is forced to grow up, to mature, and it scars people. Kinn is a scarred person without any doubts.

Based on point (9), it was really painful to see that Kinn has a gun with him when he goes to sleep. Even at his own place. Even with the bodyguards around, one might be a mole and harm him. Imagine what is like to be in a state of constant alertness because you never know if you will be able to open your eyes a next time when you close them. This incessant stress unbearably takes a toll on one’s sanity. Porsche was starting to show signs of being mentally fatigued after only one month of working for the Theerapanyakul, after killing (only) one person. Kinn still sane is a very good indication of how mentally strong he is.

So, without delving into more points, we can see that, although Kinn is gorgeously tall and with a body to die for (damn Mile, the man is perfection in person – both looks and also his personality – but I will leave the Mile rant for another day – he deserves it, his acting in the series has been phenomenal, natural, full of nuances – one can barely believe that this is the first time he is acting), it is still not enough, and perhaps never enough (cue to Loren Allred’s singing) to contain all these multitudes and be what some viewers want him to be: the perfect lover, the understanding boss, the generous mafia lord.

This is not possible. It would be very unrealistic of him to be all these. Because Kinn is flawed character and it is because of all these flaws that he is this enigma that you want to dig deeper to know more about. It is because of these experiences that you might never know what Kinn will do next or react next. Sometimes it feels like Kinn is learning how to be a “normal” human being. But seriously, what can we consider to be “normal”? Be the average student, the average worker, apologize when doing wrong and smile and thank you when doing good? Hasn’t keen done all that?

Kinn might not have wanted to pursue any studies related to his family business and yet he did. He did not have the luxury of Kim to pursue music and live relatively safe. His father wouldn’t have allowed so. Kinn himself tells Porsche that he had no choice but being thrusted into this world. Kinn is a good patron from that we get from the other characters. Pete says he is the most normal one. Big and Ken seem to love to work for him and always looking for an ounce of his affection. He goes to press conferences and seems to mingle well with people. He does not seem to use unnecessary violence. In the fight with Porsche on the boat, did he ask his bodyguards to hold Porsche so he could massacre him? No. Did he aim constantly at Porsche during the fight, or to vital places in the body? He seemed he was trying to restrain Porsche until Porsche started using dirty tactics. Was he really going to shoot Porsche in the boat? He could have done so, not to kill, but a shot on the leg would have immediately stopped Porsche from jumping. Would he ask Porsche to put the apple on his head if he knew he would miss the target? I do not think so. It felt more as a warning than him proving that he could shoot. Did Kinn slap Porsche besides that time to SAVE him from the second family, which inadvertently put him under the Kan and Vegas’ radar? No.

Kinn owes an apology to Porsche, that is for sure, for underestimating him as a bodyguard and also for not valuing him as a proper human being since the first episode. Also for the events in episode 4. But let’s also think. Kinn is not unaware of apologies. Kinn has the words “I’m sorry” in his mental lexicon. Kinn knows that what he does hurts Porsche. Kinn defended Porsche fiercely in front of his father until the passive aggressive warning/threat (and damn, Korn’s gaze on him was so sharp and truly scary). If Kinn shows preferential treatment to Porsche (and as Pete said, they are already the talk of the town), Porsche will suffer even more. The more Kinn protects Porsche, the more Porsche will be targeted both inside and outside of the compound. Why doesn’t Kinn then protect Porsche in the shadows? Because people live on what is explicit shown to them. People trust what they can see and discern with their own eyes. People do not believe in what they cannot see or hear. This is not faith, this is reality. Where is the credibility of a closed-door, unseen punishment? Wouldn’t people read between lines if Kinn was soft-spoken and all forgiving to mistakes Porsche has done (unfortunately not all on his own volition but still a mistake nonetheless)?     

Pete tells Kinn that Porsche is actually a very sensitive person despite his outgoing and smiling persona. I think this is also true of Kinn. Although Kinn looks like an infallible tower from the outside, he is very sensitive, and as hurt as Porsche is. And because the two of them are so similar to each other, it is also more difficult for them to communicate properly. We always say that we get along better with people who are similar to us, true, I don’t doubt that. Porsche and Kinn fighting in synchrony and complementing each other is a sign of that. But if you think about, because you know what you don’t like and that you don’t like to have your flaws addressed (nothing personal, just that no likes to have their flaws rubbed on their noses), when two people who are very similar have to address personal problems, it becomes very difficult because you are seeing a mirror of yourself. As a mental defense mechanism, people try to avoid feeling vulnerable because of their own shortcomings. Being in denial is actually a very natural human reaction. And vulnerable is not a word that both Porsche and Kinn want to be associated with.    

Let me stop here before I write an even longer essay. I wish I had all this muse power for my daily paperwork. But short story long, I cannot simply label Kinn as this or that. Labelling Kinn as a single-faceted character is basically destroying the essence of what he is. I’m really bad at metaphors and the only one that is popping in my head now is an onion. Kinn is an onion. He is all about layers. And I absolutely enjoy every single one that he is allowing me to peel (with or without tears).     

#kinnporsche #kinnporshe the series #mile phakphum #kinn anakinn #kinn theerapanyakul #kinnporsche spoilers #this is one damn long essay #I love Kinn to death and feel free to fight me #please don't hurt me though #always open for discussion too #protect Kinn club here

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

Randomly thinking about “tolerate it” (narrator voice: it was not random) and how under the cloak of fiction it is ostensibly inspired by works like “Rebecca” (which Taylor said she read during the 2020 lockdowns I believe?), with the line of “you’re so much older and wiser” indicating that the speaker is significantly younger and inexperienced compared to the person she’s speaking to and a pretty direct reference to the plot of the book.

But I saw something somewhere once that stuck with me about how it might not be referring to relative age between the characters but chronological age as in the passage of time in a relationship. And that made me think about how in a contemporary context, it might not necessarily be referencing an actual age gap between the two characters, but rather a sarcastic or cynical response to the man’s claims that he has matured (“you’re so much older and wiser [than you were before/than you were when we met/etc.]”), which then made me think about that line in relation to the woman. And that it could be taken like, “you act like you’ve matured so much in our time together and like you know everything, while I’m supposedly still stuck as the girl I was when we first met.”

Which then made me think of the “right where you left me” of it all and did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen time went on for everyone else she won’t know it and the bit in Miss Americana where she talks about how celebrities get frozen at the age at which they got famous, and how she’s had to play catch up in a lot of ways not just in her emotional growth but kind of in general. (Which also made me wonder if she’s ever been called out for immaturity/lack of curiosity/lack of education about things in her life…)

Which then made me think about the rest of the song, and @taylortruther’s posts yesterday about “seven” and “Daylight” and the way Taylor idealizes her youth yet contrasts it with an almost sinister reality in its wake, and the line, “I sit by the door like I’m just a kid,” because the discussion raised that her relationship let her recapture some of the childlike joy and wonder she’d lost. So this line is a double-edged sword: the speaker sits by the door with childlike hope that the person will come home and cherish her, but on the darker side, feels like the child dealing with the monsters she doesn’t have names for yet and the feelings of isolation she felt as she aged.

I’m not saying the song is necessarily autobiographical; like most of the songs on folkmore, it’s clearly a fictionalized story based on media she’d consumed and created, but we know a lot of the fictional songs were infused with her own feelings and experiences and… This idea swirling in my head picked up steam and now I kind of can’t stop thinking about it. Sorry but I’m a little obsessed now.

Like maybe it might start to shed light on why she identified so strongly with the novel in the first place…

#the third eye has been opened #😵‍💫 #like tolerate it was always a difficult song #even when we learned it was based on Rebecca it obviously took on new meaning post-joever #and especially in light of ttpd #but the thought spiral i went on last night when i started thinking about all these connections #and the evermore of it all #I’m Charlie at the conspiracy board again #writing letters addressed to the fire #me thinking too hard about Taylor lyrics #evermore my beloved #tolerate it #i kinda gave myself the ick with all this 😵‍💫 #because of the ttpd of it all coming up #and i feel like i remember interviews where Taylor said joe was so well-read especially about like world events and politics and stuff #and supported her when she wanted to start speaking up (not getting into that) #but just based on ~vibes now I wonder if that was like a sore point too at some point #which again i have no proof of but just like… experience with pretentious millennial art bros lol #oh man oh man oh man #this feels like some sort of huge revelation at 1:00 am #when i started writing this lol #eta: when I queued this in the middle of the night i didn't see all the excellent discussion about the seven/folklore posts #so all of you who have been posting about them this morning consider yourselves tagged too!

[uncanny-tranny]

I think this topic is underdiscussed in the trans community, so I'd like to talk about it.

It's okay for trans people to mourn that some of us don't have the option to have children the way we'd like to. It is okay if a trans woman mourns that she is unable to become pregnant, for example, and there is no reason to shame her for how she feels. Equally, I think it can be inappropriate to tell us that there are other options besides "traditional" means of conception, like adoption. We know that there are other options, and that isn't the point.

I go back and forth on if I even want to be a father, and in both mindsets, I mourn that I don't have all the options I want to have children. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And it's hard to accept that this isn't my fault or my body's fault. That's the hardest part for me. But whether or not it's hard to accept, it isn't my fault - it isn't your fault, either, if you feel the same ways I do. Our bodies and our selves aren't the problem. We are not broken because we don't have all the options we'd like.

No matter how you feel about this topic, just know... you aren't a problem or a burden. No matter what your journey looks like, happiness and fulfillment can be found, eventually.

#trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #ftm #mtf #nonbinary #dysphoria tw #i kind of ignored my distress about this but i think it's irresponsible of me to do that to myself #because i deserve to express my greif and anger about this. i'm allowed to and it is healthy for me to do so #i brought up that example because far too often trans women* are shamed if they wished to bear children through pregnancy... #...asterisk because it isn't only trans women who have this wish but unfortunately i only have so many characters per tag #i'd probably adopt but the adoption process is far from perfect and some of the shit adoptees have opened up about is really upsetting #adoption can be beautiful but it isn't a perfect solution and it isn't always going to be perfect #this has just been on my mind and i really wanted to talk about it #parenthood in the trans community matters and i wish it were discussed more

[friendofcars]

i've revised my trb chapter 36 notes and they've somehow expanded to ~15 pages. you can read them here (i've also pasted the text into this post under the cut). the notes don't constitute an essay or produce a coherent thesis but they're a pretty comprehensive list of observations and interpretations i drew from the chapter.

TRB chapter 36 notes (content warning for abuse)

Last updated: 230610

“’The buck stops here,’ Ronan said, pulling up the hand brake. ‘Home shit home.’” This is the first chapter where Adam and Ronan are the only main characters present- their first scene entirely alone, set in the BMW before Adam gets out. I’m thinking about a few things: how differently Ronan and Gansey talk about Adam’s trailer, his parents, his poverty, etc.; how Ronan’s flippant insults and nonchalant offers of help (despite genuine concern) are less alienating to Adam than Gansey’s more openly heartfelt concern, since it’s paired with criticism of Adam’s pride and a tendency to command rather than suggest (full disclosure- I love Gansey and understand his point of view, but it’s clear why his approach upsets Adam more, and I think Ronan, having felt smothered by Declan, is more capable of empathizing with Adam on the matter of refusing help moving out); the recurring theme of cars being a place of refuge and solace for Ronan and how he wishes Adam would stay inside the BMW (even though he knows he won’t). I didn’t verify what I’m about to say so if I remembered incorrectly please let me know, but I’m pretty sure that we see Ronan drive Adam in the BMW to the trailer park twice (in this chapter, and in TRK when Adam scries while Ronan drives [the “wrong devil” scene]). Nobody else drives Adam home (although Gansey repeatedly stops by to pick him up). Gansey is constantly bringing Adam away from the trailer, for good reason (and practical reason too- sometimes they’re just going to class). Ronan brings him back, setting Adam up to confront his life and make decisions to change it. I know someone else has written a tumblr post about Ronan putting Adam in these types of situations and it’s very insightful and I’d love to cite it here (so if you wrote it or know who did, please tell me!). But ultimately this sets up an arc that ends with Adam driving the BMW alone for a final conversation with his parents, in which he can come and go from the trailer independently and in control of his interactions with his parents- the effects of the abuse are not erased, but his character arc has such a trajectory that he’s able to get some closure on his own terms via his hard-won autonomy and healing (the BMW/Ronan has played a key role in establishing both).

“In the dark, the Parrish family’s double-wide was a dreary gray box, two windows illuminated.” The description of the double-wide has gone from pale blue in daytime to an absence of color- things are even more grim. No love, no liveliness. A strong contrast to the home from which they’ve just driven (300 Fox Way, which has a bright blue exterior). The illuminated windows seem like omens or warnings rather than beacons. “Box” implies simplicity, a lack of architecture, a constraining place, a place in which one might be trapped. I’m thinking about how the flat ceiling of a box-like trailer also contrasts with the multi-sloped attic of 300 Fox Way, perhaps symbolizing Blue’s family’s proclamation of Blue’s potential versus Adam’s family’s stifling of his talents, needs, wants, etc.

“It was a comfortable enough arrangement; Adam and Ronan weren’t in a fight at the moment, and both of them were too startled by the day’s events to start a new one.” Not that they don’t get genuinely upset with each other on page (things get heated in BLLB as the development of their relationship becomes more prominent/less subtextual), but I feel like we get told that Adam and Ronan don’t get along but they…usually…do, from our vantage point. When they do have conflict in the first book, it doesn’t seem as heavy/personally directed as when Adam and Gansey fight. I get the sense that a lot of their bickering is routine and low stakes, especially since the passage tells us that the day’s chaos and threat to Gansey’s safety has jostled them out of their typical (mundane?) arguing.

“Adam reached in the back for his messenger bag, the one gift he’d ever permitted Gansey to give him, and only because he didn’t need it.” I remember this sentence being critical to my understanding of Adam’s character the first time I read this series. Adam accepts the one gift he doesn’t need because he could get rid of it and suffer no dire consequences if the friendship ended. He wouldn’t have to rearrange his carefully made plans over a messenger bag if he wanted or needed to give it up at all. There’s no desperate gratitude or a gnawing need to pay back a debt- it’s superficial, not connected to his precarious survival, no implied reliance. There’s also something in here about a bag being used to carry things (burdens?) that I’m trying to tease out into words but haven’t yet. whoreshoecrab also made the brilliant observation that a messenger bag is more of an academic, white collar (and relatively impractical) choice of bag which I think plays into Adam’s willingness to accept something since it doesn’t highlight his desperate need for the bare necessities.

“Another silhouette, distinctly Adam’s father, had joined the first at the window. Adam’s stomach curdled.” We don’t get much information about the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Parrish (although Adam’s later concern about leaving his father’s gun behind implies that Robert also abuses his wife), but here there’s an implication of a united front against Adam. His stomach going sour is a visceral description of his fear- how terrible to go home to danger rather than safety. This sentence reminds me of one from TDT in one of the Gray Man’s chapters: “The Gray Man’s stomach wrung itself out… His brother had never intended for him to pick up; he merely wanted this: the Gray Man stopping the car, wondering if he was supposed to return the call. Wondering if his brother was going to call back. Untangling the wired threads in his gut.” (TDT, chapter 7), both serving as descriptions of a particularly physiological, visceral fear stemming from abuse.

“He tightened his fingers around the strap of his bag, but he didn’t get out.” Tightening -> builds tension in the narration as Adam braces himself for a confrontation. I mentioned this already, but cars often serve as places of refuge in the series. Ronan goes to wait in the Camaro after his brawl with Declan in TRB chapter 7 and after Calla goes for his neck in TRB chapter 15; Adam lingers in the BMW to delay having to go home in this chapter. Adam joins Ronan in the BMW in TRK in silent solidarity as Ronan grieves.

“’Man, you don’t have to get out here,’ Ronan said. Adam didn’t comment on that; it wasn’t helpful. Instead he asked, ‘Don’t you have homework to do?’ But Ronan, as the inventor of sly remarks, was impervious to them. His smile was ruthless in the glow from the dash. ‘Yes, Parrish. I believe I do.”’ A suggestion, not an order (i.e.. You don’t have to get out here vs. don’t get out here). Adam’s arguments with Gansey are often about how Gansey views/treats Adam; Adam’s arguments with Ronan are often about how Ronan wastes the time he has, the time he could be using for school work, the time Adam wishes he had. He’s genuinely frustrated that Ronan wastes such a precious resource, but the frustration is with a behavior that doesn’t have anything to do with himself (if he doesn’t compare himself to Ronan, which is another can of worms). Adam ignores Ronan’s comment- would he have ignored such a statement from Gansey, or started to argue? Would Gansey have ever phrased it like that? We get more insight into how they interact/communicate; Adam avoids arguing over serious circumstances but is comfortable resorting to banter since he knows there’s no risk of actual offense. There’s also a microscopic bit of dramatic irony here if you’re re-reading since the outcome of the events in this chapter directly lead to Ronan doing his homework in earnest.

“He didn’t like the agitation of his father’s silhouette. But, it was unwise to loiter in the car — especially this car, an undeniably Aglionby car — flaunting his friendships.” This chapter obviously shows Adam’s father’s physically abusive nature but also demonstrates how absolute his effect on Adam is, whether or not he’s actively enacting the abuse. Adam is constantly tuned to his father’s posture and follows a set of rules designed to minimize conflict and harm to himself. For someone running so low on time and sleep, this perpetual monitoring must add an additional layer of exhaustion. There’s no place to hide- to stay safe in the BMW is to potentially worsen his father’s mood, and to go home is to put himself in the path of danger anyway. Re: it being unwise to flaunt friendships: this was also crucial to me understanding Adam and his independence/lonesomeness; because the Parrishes are poor and Adam’s friends are wealthy, and mentioning his friends (which is criticized as flaunting) threatens his father’s insecurity about their poverty, Adam is conditioned to see connection and community as shameful, as a betrayal to his roots (which he is also taught to see as shameful- there is no winning). In the context of his family, he is safer on his own (but in the context of the world, he cannot move forward alone, and this is a lesson he must learn).

“If he shows up for class,” Adam replied, “I think that the reading will be the least of his concerns.” Subtle threat/hint at Adam having zero remorse for Whelk in future chapters

“There was quiet, and then Ronan said, ‘I better go feed the bird.’ But he looked down at the gearshift instead, eyes unfocused. He said, ‘I keep thinking about what would’ve happened if Whelk had shot Gansey today.’ Adam hadn’t let himself dwell on that possibility. Every time his thoughts came close to touching on the near miss, it opened up something dark and sharp edged inside him.” Like Ronan calling Adam “man” and “Parrish,” referring to Chainsaw as “the bird” serves as an example of Ronan keeping his emotional distance, maybe as a way of giving Adam space in a tense situation, maybe to disguise Ronan’s intense emotions. Ronan engages with his concern for Gansey by obsessing over the worst case hypothetical outcomes; Adam (who is typically concerned with planning for all the possible futures) chooses to avoid thinking about such fears at all. As explained in the remainder of the passage (next section), Adam cannot fathom a life without Gansey. This is a clear reminder that Whelk is Adam’s foil, not someone on a parallel path- for Adam, harming Gansey/Gansey’s mortality is too heavy to even think about, much less plot out. Something dark and sharp edged- a hole, a grave? In BLLB when Adam figures out that Gansey is on the St. Mark’s Eve death list, the narration says, “his heart was a grave” (ough). A place to bury impending grief? Or, if you’ve read TD3, this sounds a lot like the Lace, which is to say it sounds a lot like fear and insecurity and terror and being seen and the infinite and abandonment and grief and a lot of other things I haven’t processed yet.

 “It was hard to remember what life at Aglionby had been like before Gansey. The distant memories seemed difficult, lonely, more populated with late nights where Adam sat on the steps of the double-wide, blinking tears out of his eyes and wondering why he bothered. He’d been younger then, only a little more than a year ago.” Not only is Adam currently repressing the thought of a life without Gansey, he recurringly prevents himself from crying. Adam alone at Aglionby, struggling to adapt and feeling like a fraud, with no one to believe in him but himself, is incomprehensibly sad. “Lonely” followed by “populated with” makes it seem like the late nights themselves were Adam’s only company.

“His hand worked on the steering wheel; something was frustrating him, but with Ronan, there was no telling if it was still Whelk or something else entirely. “No problem, man. See you tomorrow.” This assessment of Ronan (aside from an incidence of Ronan in motion/his kinetic way of processing emotion), in my opinion, serves to illustrate Adam’s self-perception and paradoxically egocentric and unselfish thought process (he’s self-centered in the sense that he has to prioritize his own needs to survive and is constantly worried about how he acts and feels and interacts with others and looks and on and on but is unselfish in the sense that he doesn’t consider the possibility that Ronan might be frustrated and worried about Adam himself). Ronan is reeling from grieving Noah, worrying about Gansey almost getting killed (which was a pre-existing fear, as we know from chapter 16 and the wasp encounter). And while we’re on the topic of chapter 16 and the aftermath of chapter 33, I hadn’t realized until now that Gansey’s “dual vision” when death is imminent (“Two narratives coexisted in his head. One was the real image: the wasp climbing up the wood, oblivious to his presence. The other was a false image, a possibility: the wasp whirring into the air, finding Gansey’s skin, dipping the stinger into him, Gansey’s allergy making it a deadly weapon.” And “Gansey had that same, detached feeling that he’d had in Monmouth Manufacturing, looking at the wasp. At once he saw the reality: a gun pressed against the skin above his eyebrows, so cold as to feel sharp — and also the possibility: Whelk’s finger pulling back, a bullet burrowing into his skull, death instead of finding a way to get back to Henrietta.”) is perhaps an effect of him living two lives at once, at both dying and surviving twice (but sort of at the same point at the time loop because both deaths and rebirths are temporally linked to Noah’s favor, powered by Cabeswater and the ley line). ????????????????

“With a sigh, Adam climbed out. He knocked on the top of the BMW, and Ronan pulled slowly away. Above him, the stars were brutal and clear.” Who else notably sighs? Noah, another target of physical violence. Ronan is slow, reluctant to leave. Over the next few pages (as Robert berates Adam and accuses him of lying) Ronan continues to slowly leave the driveway because Adam can still see his break lights (antithetical to a stereotypical Ronan response- speeding off recklessly). The brutal and clear stars- perhaps an acceptance of the inevitable cruelty he is walking into? Adam feels destined or cursed to suffer, maybe as if fate, is cold and uncaring. (but does he believe in fate? Evidence in TDT chapter 8 says yes, if not literal fate but a general doomed-by-your-origin/bloodline sentiment, although he also persistently rewrites his narrative and seeks autonomy in his own life, so I don’t think there’s a clear answer. If anything, if he does believe in fate, he sees it as mutable and probably something not named fate at all). I think it’s also notable that the stars are a source of calming comfort to Blue, rather than harsh and distant observers of her struggles. “The stars were brutal and clear” always reminds me of Javert’s Suicide from Les Miserables: I am reaching but I fall/ And the stars are black and cold/ As I stare into the void/ Of a world that cannot hold.

“Hi, Dad,” Adam said. “Don’t ‘hi, dad’ me,” his father replied. He was already revved up. He smelled like cigarettes, although he didn’t smoke. “Come home at midnight. Trying to hide from your lies?” Adam graciously attempts civility; Robert eschews all pretense of acting like any sort of father at all. He’s already agitated, by Adam breaking curfew (which he’s broken for good reason, though Robert doesn’t and can’t know this) or by anything else in the world- his anger is out of Adam’s control. We’ve recently learned Adam does not like to be accused of lying from his encounter with Declan (TRB, 31). The cigarette smell on an adult non-smoker is probably indicative of the company they keep- co-workers? Friends, if he has them? An affair if Adam’s mom doesn’t smoke? The midnight curfew is surely a measure of control rather than care, and is relevant to interpretation of Adam’s constant meticulously meted out aliquots of time (for school, for work, for friends, for sleep) and deep envy for/resentment of those that have time and waste it- not even his own time exists outside the shadow of his father’s fist. 

“Adam’s knees were slowly liquefying. He did his best to keep most of his Aglionby life hidden from his father, and he could think of several things about himself and his life that wouldn’t please Robert Parrish. The fact that he didn’t know precisely what had been found was agonizing. He couldn’t meet his father’s eyes.” Emphasizes Adam’s need to always be hiding, keeping secrets, protecting the truth. Ronan is also familiar with the burden of keeping secrets in the name of safety. More description of the physical impact of abuse on Adam (in addition to the actual physical abuse- here I’m referencing the physical manifestations of fear and dread). I’m really interested in Adam’s relationship to his body throughout the series (and I’d have to dig up some other notes to elaborate but his POV chapters often pay acute detail to physical sensations, he dissociates on a number of occasions, his sacrifice of his hands and eyes and ongoing struggle for autonomy on physical and psychological levels especially as the unmaker/demon gains access to his hands and eyes, his healing occurring metaphorically via ley line work/outside of his own body, being alive because he bleeds, perhaps positing his awakening in BLLB as a reintegration of his mind and body after that pivotal scrying scene, etc. I would LOVE to discuss this more but I think I to collect my thoughts or the input from someone else on which to reflect- but this is probably the foundation of a legitimate essay imo). The liquifying sensation intimates a dissolution of the body, or the loss of restrained solidity and form, an unwilling spilling out of his tightly rehearsed outward projections. And finally, not knowing what his father found = lack of control = lack of strategy to defuse the conflict and protect himself.

“Robert Parrish grabbed Adam’s collar, forcing his chin up.” This is a repeated gesture in this chapter: a proprietary, controlling action, forcing Adam to make eye contact he’s trying to evade.

“Think fast, Adam. What does he need to hear?” Adam ends up carrying the burden of resolving the abuse inflicted on him, as if it’s his responsibility and not just a deescalating survival tactic. In TRB chapter 32, Blue muses that Adam isn’t often lost for words- but here, he’s scrabbling for words (he’s too panicked for his words/intellect to cooperate). This is another example of Adam’s solution oriented nature (the mechanic, the scientist)- here is a problem; how do I solve it?

“His father drew Adam’s face a bare inch from his, so that Adam could feel the words as well as hear them. ‘You lied to your mother about how much you made.’ ‘I didn’t lie.’ “Do not look in my face and lie to me!’ his father shouted.”  This is one of the more visceral, tactile chapters in the book, with the narration appealing to sensation to convey the intensity of the conflict. The physical nature of the scene also highlights the running theme of Adam’s relationship to his body- how it’s integral to his survival but also how he bargains it away and how it betrays him, the duality of mind and body, etc. I’m remembering that in chapter 31, Adam is highly displeased to be accused by Declan of lying. And not that it really matters, but I wonder if Robert not originally realizing how much money Adam has to accumulate in order to cover the remainder of his tuition is due to a) a lie by omission or b) him simply not listening to Adam’s needs in the first place. Robert also keeps invoking Adam’s mother as she stands idly by, perhaps to emphasize that everyone is against Adam, as if Adam alone is in the wrong here. It’s also interesting that the yelling here is italicized rather than capitalized. I don’t think the books are entirely consistent about this, but I believe we see capitalized yelling from Maura, Neeve, and Jesse, at least. Because the characters’ internal monologues are also italicized, we get a visual representation of how Adam’s parents’ cruel statements worm their way into his own self-talk and therefore self-esteem, self-perception, and reflexive victim blaming (Adam later muses that he has some sort of Stockholm syndrome). The italics in external dialogue and internal monologue collectively simulate abuse survivors’ internalization of abusive rhetoric against themselves. It’s also a little impressive how quickly a knot forms in my stomach at hearing a father say the phrase “your mother.” Has anything good ever followed that phrase?

“When his father’s hand hit his cheek, it was more sound than feeling: a pop like a distant hammer hitting a nail. Adam scrambled for balance, but his foot missed the edge of the stair and his father let him fall.” I’m thinking about hands as tools used as weapons (recurring knife motif in the books, especially in TDT, and how Adam works with his hands, offers up his hands to Cabeswater and in the process the demon uses his hands to nearly kill Ronan). Previously, sound and feeling converged; here, they diverge; Adam is possibly dissociated from the violence to some extent (like a distant hammer, more sound than feeling, etc. … a hammer is also a tool that could be used as a weapon). Adam is literally scrambling for balance here (but also does so figuratively at all times and is often quite successful at maintaining his tightly orchestrated and exhausting equilibrium). The precise nature of Adam’s fall here is brutal- the hit doesn’t make him fall, but it knocks him off balance and the subsequent misstep makes him fall, which his father makes no effort to prevent- the abuse not only aggression but neglect, which is to say control in both positive and negative (not good and bad, but additive and subtractive/maliciously neutral) ways.

“When the side of Adam’s head hit the railing, it was a catastrophe of light. He was aware in a single, exploded moment of how many colors combined to make white.” The prose... The pain is absolute, infinite, world-ending. A railing is a safety feature; a parent is obligated to prioritize their child’s safety. Adam’s injury involving the railing is a testament to his parents’ failure to consider his safety at all. When Adam comes to on the ground, his face, especially his mouth, is “caked with dust” (which frequently appears when Adam expresses shame about his roots); I take the dust as a symbol for a dearth of love given that water repeatedly stands in for love and longing. It’s also a reference to Adam from the Bible being made of the earth. I think his mouth being mentioned in particular references his usual ability to talk his way out of scrutiny and concern or hold his own in arguments, but in the trailer park, his words don’t work as weapons.

“Adam had to put together the mechanics of breathing, of opening his eyes, of breathing again.” A bit of a symbolic rebirth moment, coming back to life. Similar sentiment: “a miracle of moving parts, a study in survival.” My original notes for this chapter said, “I do think this could have been revised though- ‘breathing’ is repeated but not rhythmically or frequently enough (in my opinion) to actually simulate the act of deliberately inhaling and exhaling to self-regulate.” But as I’m re-reading, I understand the choice better. It emphasizes that to live, you must breathe, and breathe again, (and this is relentless), which in turn emphasizes the labor Adam puts in to take yet another breath, to keep going (but the effort to breathe is so great that it’s impossible to consider anything past this breath and the next). Maybe it’s not meant to be a cycle but a Sisyphean climb. Adam has to choose his path forward over and over again.

In Adam’s head: “Just go, Ronan.” He thinks this as he’s rising to his feet after his head hits the railing and sees Ronan’s brake lights go on. The light (Adam indirectly associates Ronan with light multiple times in the text) should be a symbol of hope, but Adam is both too proud and too ashamed to want to hope/accept Ronan stepping in on his behalf. Is this the first time someone not-Parrish has observed the abuse first hand and not just lingering evidence of it? Ronan becoming a direct witness is a line they can’t uncross, a truth Ronan can’t un-know.

“’You’re not playing that game!’ Robert Parrish snapped. ‘I’m not going to stop talking about this just because you threw yourself on the ground. I know when you’re faking, Adam. I’m not a fool. I can’t believe you’d make this kind of money and throw it away on that damn school! All of those times you’ve heard us talking about the power bill, the phone?’” There’s just so much awful here- the victim blaming, the immediate trivialization of Adam’s injury, the devaluation of Adam’s education and opportunity for freedom, and the guilt-tripping over financial burdens a child shouldn’t have to cover, the implication that Adam is running some sort of con, etc.

“His father was far from done. Adam could see it in the way he pushed off his feet with every step down the stairs, from the coil in his body. Adam drew his elbows into his body, ducking his head, willing his ears to clear. What he needed to do was put himself in his father’s head, to imagine what he had to say to defuse this situation.” Keen observation of body language, pattern recognition, (and conscious use of empathy – understanding his father’s thoughts to protect himself). We see these behaviors from Adam in a variety of contexts outside his household; his survival tactics have become ingrained, and while they keep him safe and probably make him a better student too, what is the cost? Exhaustion, mistrust, hypervigilance, repression, isolation. Defusing the situation is what Gansey references back in chapter 7- Adam keeping things quiet.

“But he couldn’t think. His thoughts crashed explosively across the dirt in front of him, in time with the rhythm of his heart. His left ear screamed at him. It was so hot that it felt wet.” Re: previous discussion of mind/body duality, dissociation, etc. his thoughts feeling like they’re outside his body in a dynamic/describable way, the distinction between his ear and himself and the pain transmitted between them, etc. An inability to think as a critical loss given his reliance on his perceptive and intelligent nature.

“Grabbing Adam’s collar, he pulled his son up, as easy as he’d lift a dog. Adam stood, but only just. The ground was sliding away from him, and he stumbled. He had to struggle to find the words again; something was fractured inside him.” In this instant, Adam’s body is at the mercy of his father. This is from where his desperate drive for autonomy comes. Gansey fears that something essential in Adam will break- I’d posit that Gansey fears Adam’s inherent goodness or happiness or youth or curiosity or humor will be trampled beyond help; Adam’s fear of something breaking is more along the lines of his self-assumed potential to be violently angry/a threat to others being unleashed, as if his ability to choose to be good will shatter. Dog/collar – what does this evoke? Adam often laments his upbringing through metaphors about animal behavior (he feels cursed by both nurture and nature. I think this observation is in conversation with my earlier questions about Adam’s thoughts on fate). The ground slides away- the foundation of the world moves (much like the earthquake when he sacrifices himself in Cabeswater); the moment is unstable and unsafe; Adam is unsupported. Struggling for words is unusual for sharp-tongued Adam, but he’s too threatened to think as he usually does.

“’To do this,’ Ronan Lynch snarled, smashing his fist into the side of Robert Parrish’s face.” Reading about Ronan swinging at Declan from Gansey’s POV (nooooo) versus Ronan decking Adam’s dad (YES). I get the feeling that Ronan has been waiting for an excuse to do this for a rather long time. A core aspect of Ronan’s character is not hesitating to cause some damage for a cause in which he believes (especially in TD3).

“Beyond him, the BMW sat, the driver’s side door hanging open, headlights illuminating clouds of dust in the darkness.” Ronan (the BMW) being a source of light in a field of dust, taken with Adam finding the light switch in a previous chapter (29) only once Ronan appears -> Ronan as a source of light (probably more accurate to say source of energy) in Adam’s life.

“Out of his right ear, Adam heard his mother screaming at them to stop. She was holding the phone, waving the phone at Ronan like that would make him stop. There was only one person who could stop Ronan, though, and Adam’s mother didn’t have that number.” Adam’s mother has been a silent bystander while Adam’s dad screams and berates and hits Adam, letting him fall and blaming him for “theatrics,” but as soon as Ronan steps in, she yells for the violence to end. Gansey helps mediate the fight in Nino’s parking lot (TRB, 7)- but Gansey (i.e. Ronan’s impulse control) is not here. The bit about Adam’s mother futilely waving the phone of all things at Ronan is so fitting- she’s found the person perhaps most scornful of phones and telephonic communication on earth.

“Get up, Adam. He was on his hands and knees. The sky looked the same as the ground. He felt fundamentally broken. He couldn’t stand. He could only watch his friend and his father grappling a few feet away. He was eyes without a body.” without a body: dissociation from the current pain and overwhelm; foreshadowing to sacrificing his eyes (and hands) to Cabeswater. The empty, unreal sensation of incredulous “how can this actually be happening” is terrible, and he feels it here. (The sky mirroring the ground reminds me of one of my favorite concepts, probably because of the tomb/shroud quote from the Les Mis chapter about the drowning man; the motif is best summarized as “as above, so below”, which is particularly fitting for the Magician.). I can’t help but think of the sky and the ground as mirrors, reflecting one another in perpetuum like Neeve’s in the Fox Way attic, between which Persephone’s soul gets lost from her body. In “my” tv adaptation (or any visual adaptation really) I’d have Adam’s posture on the ground here (before he gets onto his knees) be the same as Persephone’s on the attic floor when she dies scrying. The fight proceeds without Adam; he has lost a say in his narrative for the time being.

“It was all just noise. What Adam needed was to be able to stand, to walk, to think, and then he could stop Ronan before something awful happened.” The cops show up incredibly quickly here, unless the fight is particularly long and/or Adam’s sense of passing time is warped. “What Adam needs” is a recurring and often tense theme in his character arc, and as usual, his needs are linked to a drive for autonomy, capability, and independent action. We get evidence of Ronan and Adam’s developing, mutual, and unspoken care for each other- the instinct to protect the other, often at the expense of their own wellbeing. Adam, while he’s already gravely injured and unbalanced, worries about something awful happening- but something awful HAS happened, has been happening.  I’ll go on a bit of a tangent here because “it was all just noise” that Adam wants to filter out reminds me of things like signal to noise ratio, electrical impulses and synapses, electricity and ley lines, and how once Adam becomes the magician, he learns to scry intentionally (metaphor- healing from, or at least understanding, dissociation) and to rewire the ley line (metaphor- rewiring his brain as he heals, eventually distinguishing Cabeswater from his father, and accepts the necessity of connecting with others to do so/accepting the dual risk and reward of love, connection, magic, etc. which are double-edged swords in this context). I’m jumping ahead here, but I think Adam’s awareness of the way in which he takes in data from his environment, synthesizes a response, and acts accordingly is always relevant. Ever the scientist and all that.

“This can’t happen. He can’t go to jail because of me.” This is one of Adam’s sacrifices – pressing charges and losing his home/a say in how and when he leaves the trailer, all to keep Ronan out of jail (and expulsion, and Declan-induced eviction from Monmouth, and self-destruction, et cetera). In some ways, this is The Big Sacrifice of the book (and the bargain with Cabeswater at the climax gives an additional magical and metaphorical layer of commentary? discussion? on how and why Adam makes sacrifices and the consequences that arise from them). There are a lot of similarities between the sacrifices. I haven’t read the latter chapter in a little while, but from memory: “he was eyes without a body” links to “I will be your hands, I will be your eyes,” both of which play into the overarching theme of Adam’s fight for bodily autonomy, dissociation and eventual reintegration of body and mind (BLLB I am alive because I bleed chapter is crucial to this), a focus on his senses and how they become unreliable as he processes the events of the first book, etc. The foundations of Adam’s world figuratively (first sacrifice) and literally (second sacrifice, with the earthquake/stampede) shift beneath his feet. In the center of the pentagram, there is no sound at all. These vestibular and auditory effects of the magical sacrifice emulate detail from the mundane counterpart, which sets up the narrative about Adam learning to distinguish between the two (Cabeswater is not the boss of you, etc.). There’s also the parallel intervention of Ronan/Cabeswater on the behalf of Adam’s safety that forces him to make decisions/confront the consequences, even though Ronan intervening catalyzes Adam’s sacrifice of his pride, autonomy, and home and Cabeswater intervenes against Whelk after Adam sacrifices himself to the forest…much to chew on here. Mirroring experiences, perhaps. I’ll also say that one thing I really appreciate in TRC is that the metaphors don’t obscure the real life experiences (like you pointed out, Adam dissociates because of his magical connection/sacrifice to Cabeswater, but also as he copes with his father’s abuse, so the metaphor enriches and further discusses rather than sanitize the effects of the abuse; another example of this is Ronan’s dreaming, at least in TDT, doesn’t supplant him being gay and the associated identity, isolation, exploration, etc. experiences- the magical counterpart to the real experience is additive, not obfuscating or censoring. [I say at least in TDT because in TD3 I think the dreaming takes on additional metaphorical meaning such as chronic illness, generational trauma, amongst other things).

“He knew he looked drunk. He needed to get himself together. Only this afternoon he’d touched Blue’s face. It had felt like anything was possible, like the world soared out in front of him. He tried to channel that sensation, but it felt apocryphal.” Concern with outward appearance- his injury is internal, so there’s no way for the cops to believe him without his or Ronan’s explanation. The assumed concussion temporarily robs Adam of his resources- clear headedness, analytical skills, etc. “He tried to channel that sensation, but it felt apocryphal” is such a painful and effective way to describe someone grasping for hope and having it slip through their fingers. Adam, whose faith is “imperfect” to start with, is further challenged here. I always think of the word “apocryphal” when I think of this chapter. The infinite (the world soaring out in front of him) previously gave him a sense of optimism, but in this chapter, the infinite mirrors (ground and sky) trap and dwarf him. Blue’s face (which is to say connection with Blue) felt like potential. I think you could interpret this chapter as the beginning of the end for Blue and Adam’s romantic relationship- the attraction and care for one another persists, but there’s a distinct shift in their interactions after this chapter that disconnects them in a way they don’t resolve until after they break up.

Adam replaying what his mother has told him previously to keep the abuse quiet: “Don’t say anything, Adam. Tell him you fell down. It really was a little your fault, wasn’t it? We’ll deal with it as a family.”  Encouraging him to keep secrets, to lie, to blame himself, to believe in the guise of a family his parents hide behind (he’s ostracized in his own home for acting “against the good of the family”). This rhetoric from his mother gets woven into his own internal monologue.

“If Adam turned his father in, everything crashed down around him. If Adam turned him in, his mother would never forgive him. If Adam turned him in, he could never come home again.” These statements are written like hypotheses. If _, then _. Scientific. Even though she’s watched him endure so much pain and violence and has done nothing to help him, he grapples with the guilt of leaving behind his mother. This moment is a crucial turning point for Adam, when he’s standing at the crossroads of two of the existing paths described in TRB chapter 15 at his reading. It’s one of several explanations of his hesitation to live somewhere safer, of why the more arduous and painful way of doing things is in some ways easier for him.

“Adam couldn’t move in with Gansey. He had done so much to make sure that when he moved out, it would be on his own terms. Not Robert Parrish’s. Not Richard Gansey’s. On Adam Parrish’s terms, or not at all.” Full names invite the reader to consider [confront?] these characters as complete and distinguishable entities -> what defines each character/what is intrinsic to each?, how can you distinguish their own goals and personal ethos? If Adam succeeds in the world, he can claim all credit. If he fails, he resigns himself to shoulder the blame alone without the messy implications of shared culpability. He doesn’t see anything as worth doing if he can’t do it independently in the way he’s meticulously determined to be optimal, in the way that keeps his pride most intact.

“Adam touched his left ear. The skin was hot and painful, and without his hearing to tell him when his finger was close to his ear cavity, his touch felt imaginary. The whine in the ear had subsided and now there was … nothing. There was nothing at all.” The loss of his hearing is representative of greater loss- of literal (vestibular) and figurative balance (oh by the way do you know what requires good balance…riding a bike), of the ability to observe the world in the precise way in which he observed it before, the curse of an invisible injury he must explain by telling rather than showing as well as the unquantifiable psychological impact of surviving abuse, etc. Adam feels that he has nothing after losing not just half of his hearing but his home, even if said home is dangerous, the opposite of a sanctuary. He ends up at St. Agnes, which he thinks of as “Adam Parrish’s nothing,” something visually unimpressive but valuable in the way that it is his alone, untainted by the authority of others. I’m thinking about “Gansey. That’s all there is.” versus “There was nothing at all.” and how their experiences are so heavily shaped by their families and the associated expectations based on their upbringings and how they worry that others perceive them as their origins rather than their actions. “His touch felt imaginary” echoes the sentiment of Blue’s touch feeling apocryphal; the abuse disconnects Adam from others and from himself.

“Ronan was defending me.” Adam’s mouth was dry as the dirt around them. The officer’s expression focused on him as he went on. “From my father. All this … is from him. My face and my …” A couple observations: Adam breaking his “keeping things quiet” habit to the cops; Ronan has already begun to make him loud. It might just be a function of his injured state but I think Adam referring to Ronan as Ronan, as if anyone would automatically know his name, posits Ronan as some essential figure in Adam’s life (although to be completely fair there are few enough people in this scene to make it obvious to whom Adam’s referring- but I do think the word choice is deliberate, especially since he doesn’t use Lynch, which to an outsider might imply more distance between them). The dirt/dust motif returns as he thinks of his father/his origins; his dry mouth indicates the strain of making this sacrificial confession. And finally, the double entendre of “All this.. is from him. My face and my…” to mean the immediate state of Adam’s injuries but also his pervasive concern that he has inherited his father’s violence and cruelty. We know that Adam resembles his mother more (at least facially), but these books are about mirrors (and Adam looks into them frequently, literally and figuratively), and he’s most concerned about seeing his father looking back at him.

“His mother was staring at him. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at her and say it. Even with his eyes closed, he felt like he was falling, like the horizon pitched, like his head tilted. Adam had the sick feeling that his father had managed to knock something crucial askew. And then he said what he couldn’t say before. He asked, ‘Can I … can I press charges?’” To make this decision is to completely disrupt his carefully planned life; he’s falling into a version of his life he wasn’t prepared to live in yet. Adam’s fear about being permanently altered echoes Gansey’s fears about Adam. I think, on a less central note, his view of Ronan is also knocked askew after this incident (him using violence on behalf of someone other than himself). I’ve been musing on the decision to mention his mother one last time at the end of the chapter, and I think it’s to emphasize the complexity of Adam’s decision (and that he’s considering the repercussions of leaving his mother alone in the trailer with Robert. I think the fact that she doesn’t have a canon first name indicates that she also lacks power and autonomy in the household, or will especially lack such things once Adam leaves).

I think it’s significant that we never see inside the Parrish house- the violence we see on page happens outside. The audacity of Adam’s father to yell at him and assault him on their front steps for anyone to see is…really something. Even in his own POV chapters, which are quite introspective and descriptive, Adam doesn’t let us in to the extent of his life at home (from a meta standpoint, this makes sense- it’s just as effective and less exploitative to characterize the extent and impact of abuse through Adam’s self-image and relationships and behaviors rather than saturating the text with repetitive, gratuitous, and graphic sequences of abuse). And while I’m dancing around the subject of private vs public spheres, I am very interested in discussing Adam in terms of unheimlich/the uncanny and I’m hesitant to do so because so much of it will come from Freud’s essay on the uncanny and with that comes all sorts of cans of worms but there’s something about the domestic vs public spheres and in the home and out of the home (stemming from the etymology of heimlich and unheimlich) and homelessness and Adam’s uncanniness and strangeness (both as in odd and as in foreign/estranged). Freud’s essay even talks about the loss of eyes as a castration metaphor in a different work that I’m forgetting at the moment, but even if we exchange castration for loss of autonomy (which might be a misinterpretation of the text but I’m still percolating), it works so well with I will be your eyes/the demon taking over Adam’s eyes/his visions that begin in TDT chapter 8/the blindfold on Adam and the figure on the two of swords and eight of swords cards, etc. (A lot of associated themes work for Ronan too- the intentional use of the word strange at the beginning of The Dream Thieves and the Lynch brothers’ estrangement from the Barns and Ronan dreaming about going home and him existing of and between two worlds and how these two uncanny and strange characters find themselves in these weird, isolating social valleys and seek a sense of home with from other…) anyway this is hopefully an actual essay I will write someday, but it will require a good amount of reading outside the series.

I did a final read-through of the chapter after I revised my notes to see if I missed anything (and of course I did) and I did want to highlight the switch from “his father” to “Parrish” when Adam describes the brawl that ensues when Ronan hits his dad, which I think serves the purpose reminding us how Adam separates himself from violence as a dissociative coping mechanism, how Ronan’s intervention grants Adam some distance from the situation, etc. but also how Adam views the Parrish name- violent, on the ground, in the dust. I also forgot to consider the purpose of flashing back to Gansey right before Adam makes his sacrifice (to press charges, to keep Ronan out of jail): You won’t leave because of your pride? We’re given a clear example of the circumstances necessary for Adam to give up said pride (it would be reductive but not incorrect to say the circumstances = Ronan).

#rchl #trc #as always i am so open to discussing trc/td3 so please come chat if you want to share your analysis too #also to the very nice person who sent an anon about the mask dream i saw it and i am intending to draft something over the next few days #the raven boys #the raven cycle #adam parrish #ronan lynch

[wundrousarts]

Various Wundersmith thoughts and things I've noticed after rereading the book for yet another time:

This one is significantly longer and a little bit more random than my recent Nevermoor reread, but who cares 🤷 the more the merrier!

There are things both serious (theories, thematic parallels, etc.) and silly (jokes, personal reactions). This time around I discovered the annotations feature in Apple Books and had a lot of fun with that, so I'll try to include the bits I highlighted when necessary. Enjoy!

— I don't mean to have a shippingbrain, but it feels impossible to view Jupiter and Israfel as anything but exes/folks that had a Thing in the beginning, omg.

—— Israfel throwing the "old friend" back at Jove..... my note for this one was "#gay"

— I like the interest Mog has in Bohemia, and I'm interested based on that one Silverborn snippet for her to return (and eventually explore other parts of the city as well)

— Jupiter referring to the junkies as "they're not patrons of the fine arts" feels like a nice little set up for the Museum later on. Thought of and admired as an art piece, but the rich folks at the auction don't actually care about the work put into it.

— Do you think the folks at Wunsoc that organize the little show that welcomes 919 are a little peeved that the Fireblossom's being reignited means that they can't perch creepily in them anymore lol.

— I wonder if the Wunsoc Oath has a pre- or post- Massacre origin

“The nature of Miss Crow’s unusual –" she paused, seeming to catch herself before calling it a ‘knack’ – "situation.” (Ch2)

—— Elder Quinn hesitates to refer to Mog's power as a knack, so I wonder if that's just a general thing of Wundersmithery being different, or if knacks are a post-Massacre categorization

— I love how this book really starts to solidify the theme of family in Nevermoor... Wunsoc, her Unit, the Deucalion, Wundersmiths, the Crows, her mother..... AAAHHHH!!! I can't wait to see where it all goes.

— A "note sealed with silver wax" from "the Celes-" ..... YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!! 😁😁😁

—— Likely about Cassiel but even that and beyond could tie into a lot of other Silverborn Theories..... Noelle..... The Silver District....... I will keep this all in mind

—— Also, updating my SIlverborn Masterpost posthaste ✍️✍️✍️

— It likely doesn't matter and will never be explained, but I wonder if the room between student's houses and their hometrain station is part of the Gossamer, and like a thin place between worlds

— Miss Cheery's first outfit is so y2k I need to draw her. It makes sense because she's like 20 in this book.

— The Wunsoc circle diagram has always interested me since I first read it. I wonder if the size of the circles ever means anything??

—— Could it relate to the probability (?) of the knacks? Mundane is the most common to occur, Arcane more specialized, and then Wundersmiths are very, very rare

—— Something I often forget is that folks in Wunsoc that weren't Wundersmiths have always existed. Were there more than 9 of them in each year? Were there always 9 non-Wundersmiths? Did the trials always exist? What was the relationship between non-Wundersmiths and Wundersmiths like?

—— On that note, did C&D only become the Wunsoc motto / purpose post-Massacre? Or did they do that before as well? If the motives of Wunsoc have changed over the years, has what they look for in students changed as well?

“Everybody at Wunsoc has a job to get on with – every junior and senior scholar, every graduate, every teacher, every patron, every Elder and every Master.” (Ch5)

— I am still forever curious about what Masters are, and why they are on the same level or possibly even slightly higher than Elders

—— Are they previous Elders? Are they people who excel in their craft? I'd like to say there could be a connection to Wundrous Apprenticeships but 1. those seemed like a natural given, 2. likely aren't really around anymore, and 3. I'm not really sure why they would have so much authority if so.

—— I like to headcanon that senior scholars do internships/apprenticeships

— Something that makes me laugh is that I will famously agonize over something, in this case the Wunsoc academic school year, only to discover upon a reread that it is explicitly stated how it works. lol.

— Brilliance Amadeo and her predecessors are referred to as "First-Line Wundersmiths." This likely relates to the chambers in the Liminal Hall in Sub-Nine that we see in Hollowpox.

—— Knowing Jess, I bet that either Mog or Squall are part of the Ninth Line

“Your kind are … all … dead," continued Professor Onstald. "And if they’re … not –" he blinked his watery eyes at her and took a long, rasping breath – "they should be.” (Ch6)

“My duty is not … to save you … from yourself. It is to show you … that you are … beyond saving. All of your … kind … are beyond …” (Ch6)

“If you were half the Wundersmith you ought to be by now, it wouldn’t be possible for me to tap into your power like this. (Ch24)

— I've had a theory post on the progression of Wundersmiths in society towards the Massacre in the works for awhile that I've postponed until after my Hollowpox reread, but:

—— What if it was a group effort?

——— There's a part in one of the books that's like, "Squall led his fellow Wundersmiths in a coup, and then turned on them" and as much as Wunsoc likes to spin and fabricate things, I think that this could also be true. What caused Squall to turn? That's a mystery we'll have to unravel later...

———— This book is heavy on Squall controlling and manipulating folks, both literally with Wunder but also mentally with words, so could be interesting if that played a part in the revolt

— Regardless, something spooked Onstald enough to turn from admiring and studying Wundersmiths and their ways to hating them, and I'll forever be interested in what happened.

—— I think there could be some slight truth in him viewing all Wundersmiths as bad, because some stuff, like Mathilde's Morbid Museum (lol), could indicate some darker inclinations by folks other than Squall

— Maybe I'm an idiot for not realizing this before, but I don't think it was Jupiter that got Mog/919 into the Maps class.

“I have dedicated my life to taming this monstrous city, and I love her with every fiber of my being.” (Ch8)

“Goodness. You’ve only been here a year? And yet you and Nevermoor seem to go hand in glove. It’s almost like this place was made just for you.” (Ch8)

—— So Squallish. I wonder if anything he said was coached.

—— Do you think this is how he got him on his side? Did they bond over both being obsessed with Nevermoor?

— I think a lot of Mildmay's problems would have been fixed if he had simply been more proactive about networking instead of turning to a life of crime. I mean, he's only 19, just out of school! Way to quit early, dude.

One bite brought on the specific sensation of bittersweet late-summer nostalgia … which sent Francis straight back to the test kitchen, as he’d actually been aiming for the carefree abandon of a mid-summer music festival. (Ch9)

— I wonder how much of Francis's knack/what he cooks/cooks with has a Wundrous origin. I'm also often reminded of the Smoking Parlor.

—— I like to relate it to my Communication "Art" but alternatively... does remind me of Israfel's voice. Curious about how Celestials and Wunder interact.

—— Alice Frankenreiter of 915 is mentioned as a shapeshifter..... how Masquerade-esque. Another point for the "knacks being related to Arts" theory?

——— I also have to point out how funny to me the "Franken-" is with the knack. lol. (makes me think about Frankenstein)

— There is a "noise like a thousand tinkling bells" when the Ghastly Market is revealed. This noise also shows up in the other two books during the Christmas Eve battle. In a world where magic by Wundersmiths heavily involves singing in order to use Wunder, I like the further comparisons of magic and sound. Will keep an eye out for more during Hollowpox.

—— We see this as well with this line:

Her fear and revulsion and rage swelled inside her like a symphony (Ch16)

which I just annotated as "music/art comparison. slay."

——— On that note, I feel like the connection between Wundersmiths/Divinities and the Celestials being explored more could be interesting, as both of their powers involve singing. I'm curious how/if their magic overlaps.

— The fact that the Loyalty Trial was from the Elders and thus they were the ones who asked Cadence to humiliate Baz will never not be funny

— Chapter 18 mentions a "Polaris Hill." Named after Griselda Polaris?

— Have to say: Between being excited about a killer flytrap and teaching 919 swears, an underrated Mahir trait is that he is actually very silly.

— If you've ever seen me call the Gossamer-Spun Garden the "Wundergarden", please know that the Murdergarden is 100% why lol

— I hope hope HOPE!!! we get some proper definitions someday for the Wundrous Act Classifications. Like Spectacle, Phenomenon, Singularity, etc... I hope we get to learn what they each are someday!!!

“To do just what a Wundersmith does," One corner of Squall’s mouth twisted into a quarter-smile.” ... "To grant your fondest wish. To give you the thing you want more than anything else.” (Ch19)

— I feel like this line is often overlooked and is an underrated hint at what a Wundersmith's role in society was like

— I'm a bit of a pessimist (SORRY) about the movie adaptation, and once thing about this book is that I'm mourning that it'll probably never get adapted.

—— I think that the idea of Nevermoor as a movie musical works so much better with Wundersmith because there's so much more magic and music and singing in this one, with both Israfel and the first Nocturne lessons. I could see it the integration of the non-diegetic (?) songs that the characters sing and the themes of the movie/books work better with this book than the first one just because of that.

—— Also the theatricality of characters such as Squall and Mildmay is off the charts in this book! I'd even throw Dearborn and Murgatroyd in there as well. I think they could make for more interesting characters in a movie musical than the general supporting cast of the first book.

—— I'd say that perhaps they could mix and mash stuff from both books 1 and 2 into a single movie, but I don't know if they have rights past the first book.

Squall cocked his head to one side, a deep frown etched into his forehead. ... Squall took a step towards her. He looked like he was remembering something. (Ch19)

— I wonder why he recognizes the song!

—— Curious if anyone else has their own theories on this they want to share. I brought this up in the discord a few months ago and have yet to make a proper post but here's my idea:

——— Squall's song and Mog's song are very similar in a few ways, so perhaps one of the songs was influenced by / is “descended from” so to say from the other, or they have a common ancestor.

——— Could explain why Little Crowling is familiar to Mog and Morningtide’s Child is familiar to Squall

... into the cold embrace of a capricious and unknowable city. (Ch19)

— This is like, baby's first comparison, but I do enjoy how this refers not only to Nevermoor but also Squall just a moment earlier. They are sooooo linked. I wonder if there's other moments like this in the book that I've missed.

— The Jemmity Park stuff is interesting to think about because I think Odbuoy is the youngest Wundersmith present at the time of the Massacre.

—— The idea of him being the youngest I feel then fits with him making the park only work for children, as that seems appropriately mischievous.

——— Because of my (outdated tbh) Eventide theories, I had a silly theory he was 7 when he made the park, but when you think about that more, it falls apart. A little funny to think about though, ngl.

— Anyone else think that the Elders should have told Jupiter about Sub-Nine in case he wanted a part in that? I feel like as a patron and adoptive father figure of a Wundersmith, he might want some access to Wundersmith history and culture. His excursions to the park and Cascade Falls really prove an interest and he could be helpful to the group.

— Morrigan compares Squall's Séance Synchronicity to Coven 13 in the Fright Trial... are these magics connected at all, or will we learn more about the different magics in the world at some point?

Squall held his hands out – palms downward, twisted into claws – and made his fingers dance like a puppeteer twitching strings. (Ch24)

— I find it so funny how the Puppeteering (also known as Marionette) parallels– the statue in the Elder's hall, the stunt with the Charlton Five on the platform, and this scene– were so obvious, and yet it took a solid 2 years after Wundersmith's release (right before Hollowpox was out!) for somebody to bring it up for the first time. And now everyone accepts it as basically canon lol!

— Wonder if the Wundrous Arts sign got changed to Wretched Arts before or after Squall's exile, in order for him to know about it. I have some theories on the timeline of all that that I'll share at a later date.

— I often forget and I think it's often overlooked that the Magnificub growing was Squall's doing, not just Mog's.

—— Wonder if he was stalking her that night as normal OR detected her intention and swooped in OR was there already due to the auction

— The way that Squall bows dramatically to tease Mog and then Mildmay does the same a chapter later is so funny.

“There are far greater monsters –" his eyes flashed – "and far greater dangers. Miss Crow, we have a shared enemy you could never imagine. If the Wundrous Society doesn’t take you off the leash, if you aren’t given the freedom to grow, to become the Wundersmith I need you to be … then terrible things are coming down the line. For both of us.” (Ch24)

— War in Arc 3 pleaseeee

—— It's interesting because it seems that Nevermoor/Free State has been relatively peaceful ever since restructuring… but the Wintersea Republic has had the same amount of time to build up! And now they’re looking to take the last slice of the pie…..

“There. That feeling. That fire in your heart, that spark of anger and fear. Focus on it. Feel it. The flickering, burning anger inside – THAT is Inferno.” (Ch24)

— What if each of the Arts are bolstered by an emotion? Doesn't seem so but 🤷 could be a fun AU idea perhaps

— A lot of the description of Inferno in this book– a flame or firework in Morrigan's chest– reminds me so much of Howls Moving Castle (2004) that it's on my eternal to-do list to draw.

— Between Mog's lessons in this book and Goldberry's circular breathing, I think it's interesting how much of Inferno relates to breath

—— "Breath of life" ?

—— Could relate back to music/singing, which is needed to summon Wunder

—— Do any of the other Arts (excluding Nocturne and Inferno) have any connections to breath that we know of? Or even are just aligned with a specific part of the body? If anyone has any thoughts on this, please do share!

— Anyone else like to think about the Hunt of Smoke and Shadow and the way the Hollowpox hunted? No? Just me? Okay

—— I think that Wundersmiths definitely probably have specialties– and these are based on natural affinities, NOT lineage– and Mog's is likely Inferno whereas Squall's is likely Veil

He took a deep bow, still laughing. (Ch25)

— My note for this line and the whole scene was simply, "🖕 WORST 19 YEAR OLD EVER" lol

“You saved my life tonight. I find myself in your debt." He watched her for a moment, pressing his mouth into a line. Morrigan could tell he wanted to say something more, but wasn’t sure if he should … or perhaps he couldn’t quite find the right words. Israfel breathed a deep sigh. "You’d do well not to mention that to the folks at Wunsoc. I shouldn’t be in your debt.” (Ch27)

— What does this all meannnnn

— Interesting how Jupiter mentions that he thinks Cassiel's disappearance is unconnected to all the Ghastly Market stuff

—— I've mentioned before (maybe not on here, sorry) that the timing could perhaps line up in order for Cassiel to be the Celestial that Noelle's knack is stolen from, if we want to go with that theory

— Mog saying that Squall said something funny, as in weird, yet Jupiter's first response is to ask if he said something "funny haha" is so funny to me. Why is that his first response.

— Folks have mentioned it before, but I'd love some more bonding between Mog and Lam based on the fact that they're both from the Republic

— Elder Quinn refers to Mog as "our Wundersmith" as in like, just another brother and sister in Wunsoc, but it could be interesting if that wording is ever brought up again to try to use Mog, or make her do something no one else can because of her powers, like in the days of old

And finally (about 3k words later):

— Lam is referred to as "the smallest of all of them" in terms of 919. Not to me! While I wholeheartedly believe she is certainly short, she's not the shortest for me. #ShortMogSupremacy.

#nevermoor #nevermoor reread #nevermoor theory #wundersmith #this is 3k words including the quotes so ummmm sorry lol. buckle in I guess! #if anyone has any thoughts after reading this or any theories of their own that they want to discuss: my inbox is always open! #I am insane about this series and you should be too <3 #incapable of ever writing anything that isn't exceedingly long and rambling though. and for that I am sorry. #I also feel like my reading(s) of the book(s) is often prob unintentionally biased bc it's filtered thru my own theories and headcanons #so I always love hearing what other folks have to say. esp bc sometimes folks will say stuff that have me realize that I'm wrong lol!

[binah-beloved]

Not binah but limbus. thanks to gregor's new waw ego you should be able to find out how much a waw ego will cost so you know how much you need to get when season 6 starts (well once his ego drops)

they're really evil for dropping a Gregor waw EGO when i'm trying to save lunacy

#limbus company #not binah #it is very funny to see the community collectively lose their minds #i open any post with the new ego and everyone's screaming in the comments #but did it really have to be now #and for gregor too #who is either my favorite or second favorite sinner depending on the day #well guess i'm saving for two waw egos now #although i'm still really debating if ishmael deserves hers #and no i still haven't leveled up captain ishmael because i am that petty #thanks for the limbus question though #i always like discussing it #ask who my favorite characters are you know you want to

[natsmagi]

FOR REAL I GET SO MAD WHEN I SEE POSTS LIKE "eww why are ntsmg fans such weirdos!! They dont deserve to have natsume/tsumugi as their favs!!" Like first of all we're not hurting anybody pls let us LIVE, second of all Have You Seen the Characters in Question. Like if we're freaks then what does that make THEM!??!? If they were real theyd be the freaks ur complaining abt!!! TL;DR natsumugi loser weirdo freaks canon and im here for it. Also that alice natsume is so CUUUUTE

ITS KIND OF ODD TBH ?? like obviously i get that not everyones going to like the same stuff but like. if you dont like characters being weird, why do You then also like ntmg.......? if its someone who doesnt ship them thats complaining then fine whatever but its so weird to me when people who claim to ship them make these complaints bc its like?? then why do you ship them???? do you Only like the bits where the two of them are being sweet to each other? do you only like their angsty backstory? do you only like the comedic relief? i have a hard time grasping the idea of dedicating yourself to a pair or character without loving (or at the very least tolerating) every aspect of them........ have these people read the stories? or are they being deliberately oblivious? i have no idea

it makes me really sad how people are so afraid of being seen as "weird" though. too often that word comes with negative connotations when that doesnt need to be the case at all, and i wish these people would stop living in fear and surrounding themselves with those who judge people based off how Socially Normal (according to a christian society) they are

also i just get annoyed seeing ntmg get watered down to some idealized couple completely stripped from their complexities to better fit what we're taught is Morally Correct (according to puritanical beliefs) or reduced to a comedic duo SHDKJFHD

#some of you people really need to learn to live a little #because not allowing yourself to indulge in what you enjoy or just getting mad at OTHERS for indulging in harmless behaviour #is going to make you miserable #and i really fucking wish this shit wasnt so ingrained in todays people #because such a judgemental and reactionary attitude genuinely is harmful especially towards queer people #but thats a whole other discussion for another day #and as i always say its OKAY to be uncomfortable with things #there are MANYYYYYY ntmg artists who make things that makes me very uncomfortable so i SIMPLY DO NOT ENGAGE! #but to act like ntmg Themselves arent weird ??? #and like you cant possibly understand why the fans might indulge in some weird stuff too ?? #thats gotta just be projecting on your end atp #ask #btw this is about harmless self-expression and exploration via fiction and not LITERAL CRIMES #just so you fuckers dont go assuming shit because Jesus Christ the second you start being open about accepting weirdness and being weird #people automatically assume the worst shit imaginable which is so fucking insulting to literally every single human being on the planet #this post is about fictional characters being weird and us being allowed to indulge in it #do Not twist my words into Anything else. #EDIT OMG I GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN BEING ANGRY AT STRANGERS ONLINE I FORGOT U COMPLIMENTED ME #THANK U VERY MUCH!!!!! ASJHFKAJSHDG

[stabbyhara]

Do you guys think that random line in EXECUTION abt yura knowing the maximum fall distance before death is Ferry implying that boy has thought of some sus shit :P

#k but like seriously Yura is canonically massively depressed #it’s left out of general discussion- n always has been but bro is UNWELL beneath the surface #his hopelessness prior to opening up and getting to know KT is why he became so obsessed with hrr #besides the obvious want to have a friend back #Or maybe I’m looking too deep and bro just knows it cuz the internet does that to a mf #parties are for losers #pafl #yura beletsky #nopanamaman

[katyspersonal]

#personal #internets #at this rate I've unfollowed both of the kinda.. 'controvercial' blogs I've been following #since there was a good chunk of actually good takes about how bad media is now and society and braindead internet 'activists' that- #-had it too good in their western countries and NEEDED to invent the reason to bully and excile people #could honestly resonate with it despite some other posts causing genuine pain. but mostly about terribly handled media #like you know that thing when corporations do terrible ass rep to pretend that they care for minorities #or artificially fabricate online backlash against their new actors to show investors that people show interest for their product because- #-of all the clicks on their article? #like discussion of this kind sorta keeps me sober #as a person with BPD I get contaminated by opinions VERY easily and as an autist I will believe everything if it is put together 'logically #that's why I HAVE to be exposed to every possible opinion so I am forced to make out my own rather than being swayed anywhere #but at this point those blog became kinda.. bad? like they don't just have 'opinions' but they hate just to hate #but now my dashboard and recs are full of exclusively things I can fully agree with and I am scared that it will rot my brain #like.. emotions are always the same. where is the 'wait WHAT' effect? where is anger? where is self-reflection? #but ALSO I realized that 'those' blogs are no better than those western 'warriors' I despise and they become narrow-minded too in the end #they advertise themselves as 'open to debate' only to always sway debate into trying to win and not into actually discovering the truth #I cannot trust any side because they're all narrow-minded and hostile but I cannot trust people without any side because- #-they're fence-sitters without morals that side with the winner #is there a secret third thing? like is there a way to not take a side but to still HAVE ideals and opinions? #my problem is that if I am not exposed to people that trash everything I value I forget why AM I valuing [a thing] to BEGIN with #and that won't do will it

[13eyond13]

Could Light be a good father if he has a normal life without death note?

In my opinion, yes. I think Light as a character isn't meant to be seen as an inherently unhinged and evil person just waiting to snap. I think he's meant to be seen as somebody who would've led a fairly ordinary and upstanding life had he never come in contact with the notebook, which is sort of the irony and the horror of the situation and his character development much of the time (because it suggests that the potential for that kind of terrible behaviour could exist even amongst people with good intentions and decent prospects and upbringings and very little trauma in their childhoods to speak of and everything else). It might somewhat depend on your definition of a "good parent," but I think that he would at the very least be a dutiful and responsible parent and take the idea of being a father and a role model pretty seriously. I imagine he'd model himself after his own parents in a lot of his values and ideals and decisions. Probably would be a very busy and hard-working parent, maybe a bit overly strict and hard to please and somewhat emotionally unavailable, but also very steady and meticulous and reliable when providing the things he felt were his responsibility to do for his kids. Even if he didn't always feel like being there for them he would still show up every day and do his part to the best of his ability, because that's the way he thinks and the kind of person he is.

#ask #anon #light yagami #meta #p #in a way i feel he'd maybe almost be more like a sachiko parent that a soichiro parent? #i think soichiro might be more emotionally demonstrative and waver more in how he defines his responsibilities toward his kids and as a dad #than light would? #light kinda has everything very organized and planned out privately in advance and then just does it without expressing any doubts about it #or consulting other people about what the best thing to do would be #and keeps much of his emotions and decision making processes to himself most times #which seems a bit more like sachiko than soichiro idk #mostly there to provide and be steady and action oriented with the practical stuff and whatnot #i just think soichiro would discuss things more and doubt himself more and stress about what he's meant to be doing as a dad more #and be more open to discussion about it #than light #light's number one thing is to always seem like he knows exactly what he's doing and has everything already figured out for himself #and this would probs extend to his parenting as well #and i feel like maybe sachiko as a mom might be a bit like that too idk she just seems to be 100% on top of her duties #and very organized and reliable #but a bit more private about most emotional stuff

[aza-trash-can]

And thus, my makeshift mini-timeline of Neuvillette's life is complete! (plus a headcanon, feel free to ignore it)

Didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would (still annoying to get through though)

Feel free to use this either as is or as a base for your own timeline. Figured I'd at least share it in case anyone else was having trouble keeping events straight in their head or was just as confused as I was with stuff

#aza's trash #genshin impact #neuvillette #and i got sources too #not shown is all the notes i was taking #which now that i realise it they also have some assumptions i made #eh fuck it i'm not gonna bother rn #if y'all wanna see those notes or discuss this with me feel free to #my inbox is always open for y'all

[criticaaaaaaaal]

self care is using that block button like its my bestie

#BAHAHA #usually indont block people cus i always wanna be open to discussion. not anymore i think #self care is hitting that block buttn and then happily knowing i aint ever gonna hear anythin from these ppl #OK IM OFF TO VOLLEYBALL PRACTICE AT TOO EARLY AM 💪💪💪

[aeide-thea]

thinking abt (1) that post abt how most censorship is preemptive self-censorship¹ (2) bras²

⸻ ¹ wow, tumblr search actually worked for once??? ² i do understand and respect that for many people bras serve an actual structural function wrt support/comfort! however, for many other people (hi!) they do not, at least in everyday non-sports contexts, and that's the set of concerns i'm speaking to here.

#i mean for me personally it's also like. sometimes/often/always i don't want to have visible tits‚ for Gender Reasons #so rendering them more compressed & visually ignorable is a move in the right direction #but that's sort of seasonal (which sounds insane‚ but‚ idk‚ in the summer the visible body hair helps balance out the visible tits???) #so it's like. objectively very obvious that i ought to go braless more in the summer #when it would bother me less visually and dramatically increase my comfort levels #and i do‚ in the house! but like. when i go out i still feel the need to render myself Presentable and i'm mad about it #bc like. yeah it's partially a trans desire to hide my chest but like. is that actually separable from the way women are socialized #to manage their breasts to HOA-approved standard or else open themselves up to a whole gamut of inappropriate treatment. (no.) #and so it's really just like. reimposing many different shades of cisheteropatriarchy on myself simultaneously #but unfortunately the only way out is to just. accept all the bad reactions i'm living in fear of. but those DO feel bad! #as always it's like. hard when yr self-protective conditioning isn't serving you wrt being a free person #but IS a rational reaction to the hobbled reality of yr actual existence… #like. easy to say 'just ignore those worries.' and maybe i will‚ at least in the context of like. casual public appearances #but like. even if the material consequences are unlikely‚ for me‚ to be more than unpleasantly judgmental stares— #that's still a real emotional consequence that has an impact on my well-being! but so does the self-censorship. #anyway. too many tags & no novel insight. just like. sux lol #(also usually on here i omit any discussion of Tit Management Issues bc it's my space where i get to pretend not to have a body) #(but like. that's self-censorship of a kind too.) #embodiment (is violence)

[gentlethorns]

hmmm getting in my head a little bit about some issues i'm already seeing in my first draft that ik i'll need to confront in my second draft. but i genuinely just have to be like *sprays my overcritical mind w a spray bottle* no!!!!! let me finish the first draft first!!!!!!

#she bork #idk i think i'm getting ahead of myself bc again. work that is this consistent and like structurally solid is new and scary to me bc like #the greater the potential for a payoff the greater the potential for a fumble. the stakes are higher. while never being able to finish #anything was torturous in its own way it was easy in the sense that i never had to confront the idea of like 'what if i finish it and polish #the fuck out of it to the absolute furthest extent of my experience and ability . .. and it's still not good enough.' it was always just #like 'aw shucks! i've run out of steam once again. if only i could see something through to the end i could write the next great american #novel i just know it :/ ah well. try again next week!' but now nothing is in my way whatsoever so i'm like aw fuck that is so scary like if #nothing comes of this project it will be My Fault. also sorry this is all i have spoken about on here for like a month but i'm STILL not #done yapping about it and you all are my captive audience and WILL be forced to listen to each and every thought i have about this wip. #sorry but too bad #anyway once again offering that if anyone is curious about this wip i am open to questions or discussion. one thing about me (which i'm sure #y'all know by now) is that i LOVE. to yap #novel 2024

[bastardsofravenkroft-blog]

i'm kind of new to the whole misgendering gerard stuff with girlgerard but i have seen thekidsfromyestergay 's posts constatly she/her-ing gerard but they say it's a joke. i don't know if it is funny to me or not... is that like normal? again i'm new to mcrblr

Several big mcr blogs on here she/her Gerard constantly, so it's become super normalized. But these blogs seem to always have a whole list of excuses including that its a joke, the gay she, and that Gerard is a actually a trans woman and to not use she/her is actually sooooo transphobic. In any case it's weird to constantly use the wrong pronouns for someone, or to label them in a way they don't want. (For reference Gee said on twitter his prns are he/they, and that's what Marina Toybina uses for him as well. Gee also said they don't use labels. They choose not to.)

Idc about an offhand girl joke or comment, but when thats all you use, or the thing you use the most its a problem. Jokes are meant to be funny, i don't see how addressing someone with pronouns that aren't theirs just because they dress more feminine is a joke or funny.

People deserve to have their name, pronouns, gender or lack thereof, all that, respected. None of us are Gerard or anyone else, therefore we can't know how they feel on things unless we're directly told. We only know what he has said, and to ignore that in favor of how we or any random person on the internet sees him is disrespectful to Gerard Way as a human being.

#btw im not saying you can't discuss how g might feel on certain things. we can have conversations. but you cannot label/misgender them.gros #also! if g's expression helped you work through something or feel more comfortable-awesome! me too! thats great and you can talk abt it! #without saying gee is trans. gee isnt trans unless they say they are. theyre also not cis unless they say they are. #he is just a person existing out there who deserves your respect. #girlgerard #kidsfromyestergay #gerard way #mcr 2023 #cheerleader gerard #gerard gender wars #gerard gender discourse #anon #crimson answers #oh yeah and btw someones pronouns gender sexuality etc its none of you business unless someone makes it your business #i used to think these things wrre funny bc they are everywhere so if everyone thinks its funny obviously its gotta be funny right #nah no thanks nowadays (also. autism. sucky ass bitch) #however your mind settles anon—just make sure youre comfy yk #and respect ppl! even if theyre public figures who might not be on the internet at all #if you were on the receiving end what would you want yk #either way <3 and my messages and inbox are always open

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

the implications....

folie a deux meaning / folie a deux album cover / pete's bear hat(s)

#myevilposts #pete wentz #also the teddy bear rug would be fun to mention in this discussion but these ones are more serious. #the thing with pw is that sometimes he does things that are so devious and strategic and genius and sneaky and poignant #and other times it just seems that way and was actually just him being silly. #this goes both ways btw. #like a lot of mania era stuff i feel was mocked as him being silly but was actually deep and then a lot of older stuff #that people obsess over dissecting was actually Not That Deep on his account at least. #it's kinda not his fault that he's a cartoon character. kinda. but he knows how to lean into it. #pw understands camp better than 99% of users on this website tbh. #fall out boy #also pete and bebe wearing matching bear hats during hiatus. is like exactly what i'm talking about. lol. #the implication being that the bear/becoming a bear represents embracing the madness and becoming one with the grizzly bear #that the human in the bear costume is carrying on the folie cover. #i feel like it's not a coincidence that the guy looks like pete too. it might be but i always figured it was intentional. #the grizzly bear/real life equivalent to the madness of folie a deux as a condition is open to interpretation more #i think. obviously it could represent the co dependence between pete and patrick. but it could also #represent pete's marriage as a whole to the band/his work. #i think it's most noteworthy again that he wore the bear hat matching with bebe DURING HIATUS. #similarly to the stump club shirt i feel like it's pretty clear he was incredibly torn up about the hiatus. #maybe it's that pete had a co dependent relationship with his public image/identity within the scope of fob's fame. #A LOT of black cards calls back to fob / is in response to or commentary of his fame from fob. #because of course it did/was. fob was intrinsic to his celebrityhood. and that celebrityhood obviously was intrinsic to him. #this is not to downplay the other aspects of his identity. the opposite actually. #especially considering that his public image was so skewed and dumbed down and he was rightfully very upset about that #and that is very prevalent/important/vital i think to understanding things like black cards as a whole.