Its not even about wanting to be thin this time
Its about control
Its about proving i can do it
Its about feeling like i actually accomplished something
Its a fuck you to everyone who thought that i was faking it in the first place
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I should literally kms for how fat I am
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I feel like complete and utter shit. I keep eating more than I want to. I’m a high weight. I am failing to study.
I’m mentally overall not doing good and I don’t know what to do
I want to scream
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Something I never see here:
I am so loved. I have a wonderful home life. My husband is an absolute dream of a man. A true partner. I have a decent job. I am profoundly blessed. I just still need to be thin. I need bones. I need my flesh to melt. I need a gap in my thighs, to be skinny when I stand. I need to feel like I’m floating again. I missed the sick. The sick brings me so much calm and safety. There is a comfort in the anguish. Does this make sense?
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I just worked out and lost 100 cal and now my calories in is less than my calories out. Not by much but the day isn't over yet.
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Kill me now. Fck my life.
Disclaimer: I’m meaning no offense to anybody who shops here. Just somebody with an ED and already struggles with my weight and the idea of having to shop at a store that caters to plus size women: (which is amazing that we have such stores now) gives me so much more anxiety and in my mind it’s like accepting that I won’t lose the weight, and I want to keep my goals and work towards a smaller healthier version of myself one day. Where this kind of comment won’t bother me so much.
I went to get coffee or something the other day honestly I don’t remember what I was doing but the comment just kind of took me back and ruined my day.
I don’t know why it did, because I would never ever shame someone for shopping at these stores.
But there was an employee being really standoffish where I was.. I think it was target as I was getting a starbs from one there.
And she just looks at me and says..
“Nice top, where’d you get it? Lane Bryant?” And then smirks and looks back down at her phone.
And I don’t know why it upset me so much, maybe because I’ve always been stubborn and never shopped there, but I was so upset over it I cried when I got home and have not stopped thinking about it since.
Maybe because you could tell she intentionally put venom behind her words but I felt awful and ashamed and I’m pretty sure I threw that brand new top away or at least in storage.
I would never backhand compliment someone on their weight, what they’re wearing, or anything physical. That’s an expression of who we are/ want to be/ or how we want to portray our personalities.
And anybody who has to deal with these comments on a regular basis, I am genuinely so sorry for how mean and cruel people are today. You are worth living for. Your body is worth living for. Working for. You are not worthless and you are wanted and needed in this world. 💘
If anybody ever needs a friend of someone to talk to I’m always here. I’m 23 so I do have middle school and high school life experience for my younger audience. And for my fellow 20 y/o girlies, I wish you all the very best and hope that if you’re having a bad day, it gets better. 🌼
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something that helps me ease into my relapse (that sounds so fucked up😂) is not counting calories right away. for the first week or so i’ll just eat less/once a day and avoid high calorie foods and snacking. counting calories immediately just makes me feel pressured and then i end up binging. but doing this and seeing myself lose weight is just a lot better personally
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#th!nspo #anarexies #skinny
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Basically around this time last year my start weight was 118. I got down to 111 and I started to recover. I am back now at a whooping 128 pounds:( . I think it is easier to restrict during school so ima start in Wednesday (first day)
Im also going to post WIEIAD every day on here and on YouTube (https://youtube.com/@AnaRexie-_-?si=rQp39RGJrW_ClEzp)
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There is my new hobbie to forget eat, something in what to think when Im hungry, I watch art, Its a Really fun hobbie. What do you do to spend your time??.
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