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circular-bircular · 1 month

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It drives me up a wall that ppl argue “anti endos are the only harassers!!!” And yet the past few days the sys course tag has been nothing but going against anti endos for? Some reason? Like just outta nowhere I started to see posts going on and on about how anti endos are sooo horrible and how dare they want anti endo only spaces like hello pot??

It’s just… infuriating to see it all bcs why the hell would anyone even consider looking at a different perspective if the first thing they see is people bashing anti endos (and often CDD systems in the same breath) and using that to uplift pro/endos like you can’t seriously claim to want anti endos to listen when everything is about insulting/shaming anti endos in a number of ways some less subtle than the last

I’m neutral on it all but if I was still anti today and thought “well maybe I should try to understand their side” and saw all that then?????? Hell no

Hell even being neutral I’m still not favorable to interactions bcs I don’t want that kinda energy in my space

Sry I’m just so GAH about it all and saw your post on syscourse stances and the harassment thing and was just “finally”

(Ough I’m so sorry I’m rambling hard on this one)

I fully agree that anti-endos aren’t the only harassers. But I also agree that endogenic systems are going through a lot right now. It’s easy for me to not see, but that’s because I’ve got a lot of folks blocked. There really are a lot of anti-endo assholes popping up each day lately, and I’m sorry for all the Endogenic systems dealing with that hatred. I’ve been there. It fucking sucks. I also am sorry for the CDD systems suffering through hatred currently, regardless of syscourse stance. It’s all hellish sometimes.

In my eyes, the way a lot of pro-endos tackle things isn’t beneficial. It’s either bait to encourage anti-endos to rage (which is often triggering to boot), or it’s just vocalizing hatred into a public space. Neither of these things are needed, especially if the goal is to make it so that anti-endos “aren’t a thing anymore.” Anti-endos fall into this same trap; many are trying to protect their disorders, but they do so via harassment, mockery, or similarly vocalized hatred. All in some attempt to “make things better for ‘real’ systems.”

It feels like many people in syscourse are doing something I like to call Aimless Activism. They know something is wrong (fakeclaiming, bad sources, ableism, etc), so they rally against it loudly and boldly, because That’s The Point. You’re Supposed To.

I’m guilty of this myself honestly. But… you need a goal. You need to have a point beyond This Is Activism, because if you don’t have an actionable goal, then you’re not actually working toward anything. You’re just shouting.

My goal on my blog is to share my personal experiences and talk about things that interest me. That’s it. I’ve tried to be an Aimless Activist for awhile now, convincing myself that it’s activism to argue online. And I don’t know, maybe to some, my blog fits that description. But at this point, I don’t… think it matters. I’m tired of playing in this giant sandbox where everyone is kicking the sand in each other’s faces while I try to build my sand castle.

I think a lot of other people are too. Has anyone else noticed how many new faces there are here? How a lot of the old faces have gone away? People are tired of the sandbox games where everyone kicks around sand. People want real things, real conversations, real connections — regardless of some stupid arbitrary label.

And that’s where it comes back to. “Stupid arbitrary label.” The ones who care about the labels are still playing in the sandbox and they’re gearing up for another round of fighting with “the other side.” Meanwhile, they don’t realize that the sandbox is only one tiny part of an enormous playground, and I’m over on the swings with friends I made in the sandbox, laughing about how nice it is to no longer have sand in my eyes.

I wish folks the best for getting out of there.

#extended metaphors lmao #syscourse #venting #armageddon comes while i’m sleeping #I hope any of that made sense #it’s grading season so I’m dying a bit and my brain is fried

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russian-piece-of-shit · 11 months

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Hi, I'm a system and have mutliple other disorders. All "cis" if you will. I'm not here to shame anyone but I would genuinely like to know how this makes sense to you? I want to know your persepctive because I don't understand and maybe I can get some more insight from someone else. I feel invalidated when people talk about endogenic and "transsystems" because my disorder is not an aesthetic and I had to go through so much trauma that turned me into who I am today and not in a good way. It's painful and it hurts when I see people making fun of my experience by saying they've acquired their system "naturally" even though that's not how the disorder works (By "making fun of" I mean that's how it feels). It also feels transphobic to hijack trans wording such as "cis" and "trans" even though disorders are different to gender. Gender is a social construct and disorders are just not. They can't go away, they can't change. I can never get my childhood back and I struggle to be able to be myself with my Autism and ADHD, I find it hard to keep relationships from the immense anxiety I've gotten from my CPTSD symptoms and the chronic mistrust I've had to develop to survive. I guess I just want to ask why? Why you believe in these things? It's not that I hate you, I don't, I genuinely want to understand because currently I feel hurt, and upset, and made fun of in a way I've never felt before and I just want to know the logic and reasoning behind this kind of stuff before I make a judgement.

Sorry I couldn't respond sooner but heres my answer, please others correct me if im wrong on anything, we're also cisDID and cisAuDHD which has gone through a shit ton to be here yet even then we're okay with this.

First thing I'd like to talk on is how you believe that transplural or endogenic systems do it for an aesthetic which isn't at all healthy for this conversation if you want an explanation, we aren't at all transplural so we'll allow someone who is transplural to speak on that but we have endogenic members, they aren't an "aesthetic" we use to try and seem cooler or, whatever you think they exist for. Understanding that systems are complex is a fiest step, and each system *will* have a different experience, trying to fit each system in a box of a "perfect way to experience plurality" will never work nor does demanding that your perception of a real system is the "correct" way to be.

Second point is something I don't like explaining but cis and trans are prefixes anyone can use, trans means change, anyones allowed to use the prefix as long as it means the same thing. I do agree most disorders cannot go away nor be intentionally created but that shouldn't stop anyone. I can understand how you feel about your disorders, that's a normal way to feel but again, everyone has their own experiences and everyone has their own wants or dysphoria, I'm never going to fully understand everyones experiences nor am I going to even attempt to say I do and I'll never be able to tell whether or not someones "real".

No one, especially not me or you will know everyones experiences fully and I never want to deem someone elses experiences as invalid simply because I don't know how it works, systems again are complex, I barely know how mine works and I don't expect to know how anyone elses work. Saying that transplural or endogenic systems are invalid will fuel the idea that all systems need to fit into a box that might even exclude some cisplural traumagenic systems, and how far will that go to the point that system "safespaces" start becoming FDC? We used to be anti-endo, the normalization of harassing systems who don't fit into your "perfect" idea of one is a huge problem in the anti-endo system community already.

#pro transid #transid #pro transx #transx #pro transabled #transabled #pro endo #transplural #pro transplural #endogenic #endo safe #endogenic safe #radqueer #sorry if its long our first post in like months needed to be good enough

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xoxo-bunnydumpling · 2 years

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I have been told I talk about Eli too much so here's what I did yesterday with minimal hot librarian involvement:

When I woke up it was already hot as shit so I had an iced coffee instead of a hot one and shared a cigarette with the neighbor. I've been trying to re-kick the habit by leaving my Endo-Day pack at his house, on his porch, because if I brought them home I'd smoke them all in a day and then go feral when I ran out. I like this neighbor a lot aside from him agreeing to be the smoke miser and I also like his dog and am not as annoyed as I should be that it comes to my yard to poo quite often. She's so fluffy, I can't be mad at such a fluffy girl.

I got bored so I cooked breakfast and in the midst of going over my script for Saturday I got bored again a few hours later and cooked lunch. Do I miss being a chef? Hell naw. I think I like cooking more now that I did before it became a chore. Breakfast was chocolate gravy and biscuits by request, and lunch was an everything-bagel and lox themed frittata because deep down I'm fully a breakfast-ass bitch.

Did a lot of laundry? Cleaned the bathroom? Remembered I had a real-job-of-work thing to get done and frantically finished it and submitted my invoice? All things that happened.

Had a weird dinner. I had an idea for confited tomatoes, but wasn't really sure what to do with them...so they ended up on crispbread with goat cheese and pickled beets. We ate a whole box of Wasa, which is not hard to do but still. Eli (sorry! He lives here and I like him) apparently finds this kind of dinner to be preferable, as a certified all-day grazer.

I usually prefer to eat a shit ton and then take a nap.

At some point, we decided we needed nectarines so we walked to the grocery store just as it was getting dark. I will never tire of seeing fireflies, or all the tall trees, or all the flowers and bushes and lush green grass on the way. I've lived here a long time now, and the beauty of summer never gets old. There are nice things about the desert I left behind...but, I'll take this any day.

He takes my hand when we cross the street, and smiles down at me and boy howdy...that never gets old either. We go a little nuts in the produce department, and end up with the aforementioned nectarines but also dragonfruit, plantains, guava, and rambutan...which they haven't had for a hot minute and I'm very excited about.

He's never had them before, so I lead him across the street to a park bench and pop the box open.

"I think I can wait until we get home..." he's been very smiley today, a welcome change from the serious as fuck and stressed as shit looks we've both had on our faces lately. I've felt mine dragging my face down for days.

"Yeah, but why?"

The older I get, the more things happen that I can't control, the more I see the urgency in having rambutan in the park. We wait for so many things, the right time, the optimal conditions. What if there was never a more perfect time for this than now? When has anything technically been optimal? What if perfect does not exist?

I hold one out for him to take after removing the seed...but he doesn't take it. Instead he takes my wrist and I find out real quick why he likes to put his fingers in my mouth on occasion. I don't know what happened to my sweet and innocent giraffe, but the look in his eyes suggests THAT guy just went on hiatus.

"Would have been a shame to wait for that." I think he can read my mind maybe, because he follows that up with, "Too many streetlights, better chill out or go home."

On the way back, we line out how Storytime Guy could shed his wholesome persona and become a bad-boy actor type. It's not a persona at all, and he insists he's still not an actor but the hypotheticals are fun to play with.

"Should we go back and tank my image? I'm ready if you are." He actually stops walking and I wonder if I've ruined him enough that he'd actually bone in a public park now. He raises his eyebrow, nodding towards the direction we came from.

"Maybe next time...we've got all summer."

Sometimes I think the best thing for us would be to get into the kind of trouble here that we'd have to move away from. We've both been tangled up and stuck here for over a decade and it's just not home. If it's not yet, it never will be but it does smell like honeysuckle and firework smoke and the stars are so bright with no smog to obscure them that I can tell myself what I do everg May: maybe it's not so bad. Red was born here, I met my husband here. All good things.

"Do you ever wonder how many times we passed each other on the street, not having a clue how in love we'd be someday?"

Who says stuff like that? It seems I have not ruined him entirely.

#hot librarian chronicles #husband material #summer #busy but not #work from home #i'm in love #marriage

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gyrfa-gariadus · 3 years

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Explaining my banner

If you are a part of my DNI please don’t follow, like, reblog, comment, or otherwise interact with my blog.I will block you without messaging.

My actual DNI is here.

An endogenic system is are plural systems who claims to exist without trauma being the cause of their existence. we highly appreciate if you didn’t interact with our posts. You can block us, that’s totally cool. We don’t mind. We personally block endos because it can be triggering for some of us. So if we block you and you’re an endogenic “system”, it might not be because you’re an ass or anything. You can say what you want however I don’t want these people ,as a traumagenic DID system, on my blog. No I will not argue it with you nor will I post about it. Many new systems (especially younger systems) get dragged into endo “lore” and gaslighted into thinking they are endogenic . It is better just to not perpetuate endo nonsense and to distance endos from our community, as well as keep younger & newly discovered systems safe. Before I get white ND kids in my inbox if you do not have DID/OSDD, then don't even attempt at arguing, you will be blocked and I will not feel bad, I don't care who you are.This is different from just self diagnosed. if you’re not ready to acknowledge your trauma, thats fine, but please stop spreading harmful misinformation about a trauma based disorder and encouraging things like “system hopping” and “being born a system”, and PLEASE stop calling people who have DID/OSDD who are calling you out “sysmeds” and “traumascum”. you’re doing far more harm than good with toxic positivity and name-calling.endogenic systems discredit abuse by saying things such as bullying, neglect and love bombing aren’t enough to cause traumagenic did. This is False. trauma is trauma. What effects you may not effect someone else. Don’t discredit others experiences.

Eating Disorder blog Proana / Promiia / Mia / Ana /Thinspo / Body Shame of Any Kind(recovery positivity blogs are finue). A lot of the people interacting with my account are minors and/or very vulnerable exposing them to thinspo or anytype of such content isn’t healthy. Nor should this type of deadly disorder be promoted.

NSFW blogs

This is a 100% sfw blog the only expectation to this rule is if your main account is NSFW and you want to follow but not reblogged to that account.then please message me first .

LGBT+phobia of any kind will not be tolerated at all on my account.

Terf meaning trans exclusive radical feminism. So a ‘feminist’ who excludes the rights of transgender women from their advocacy of women's rights. Transphobia is not welcome on my page .

Swef meaning Sex Worker-Exclusionary Radical Feminist, a label for a woman who supports mainstream feminism but opposes sex work, believing it is ultimately oppressive. Though this is a SFW account I am pro sex work and kink and do not oppose either.

If you’re going to try arguing with me then don’t point out my dyslexia you’ve already lost all your credibility at that point.

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mamawolfblood · 3 years

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What if we rewrite the stars part 26

Rex put me behind him as the sith lord steps closer. "My my what lovely little flower you grew into my dear. Its a shame your parents aren't here. Its a good thing I am though. I after all am your godfather. The last time I saw you you were no bigger than a loaf of bread." He chuckled amused. The Jedi pull out there lightsabers and started to fight him. "This way my queen and king." The high priestess said leading us away threw the tunnels. We made it to the safe room when the priestess showed her true nature. "I can't believe they left a bastard to be Queen. You weren't even Endo's daughter. Natula stuck off world to be with her lover. Endo knew you weren't his but because you were the first born you got the crown. What a reckless slut she was. It looks like her daughter is the same. One wonders how related are you and this clone. *chuckles* giving your father is his donor. " She laughed till I sliced her head off. "Its not true it can't be true." I started to cry going to my knees. "Oh but it is true but Endo loved Natula to much to do anything about it. Your siblings are his you are the only one." Dooku said stepping in the room. Badly wounded trying to find somewhere to lick his wounds. "Endo always hated you. You were a constant reminder that the crown was no longer going to a Tanooki." He taunted I started seeing red. I tried holding it in but I blacked out. I awoke in one of the palace rooms Rex in the chair next to me. "Your majesty your awake! Oh thank the stars!" A maid caught my attention. I have never seen her before.

(Comment on what you think of the story so far)

#romance #star wars #star wars the clone wars #original characters #obi wan kenobi #anakin skywalker #captain rex #oc #comander cody #jealousy #sith #jedi #king #queen #bastard child

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elisaminimeneghini · 5 years

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Italian Nats 2019 Recap

The 2019 Italian national championship was held in Meda on September 13-15 and it was also a trial for the upcoming worlds. Asia D’Amato won the AA competition, followed by Desirée Carofiglio and Giorgia Villa. Alice D’Amato came in 4th, Elisa Iorio in 5th, and Martina Maggio in 6th. These 6 gymnasts make up the team plus alternate that will compete in Stuttgart. My personal recap below the cut.

(Pic from GAI on FB)

- Asia D’Amato showed up in really good shape at this competition. She was the only one among the Brixia girls to hit 4/4 which allowed her to win the competition with a 55.200 (no bonuses). Her vault boosted her total with a 14.900 for her DTY which clearly shows that she’s been working on an Amanar lately (which hopefully she won’t debut before next year). Together with her Yurchenko half-on half-off she qualified in 1st for VT EF and went on to win that title (easily) with a 14.375 avg. On bars she struggled a bit with a close pak catch, but recovered and still made UB EF where she then counted two falls but it really wouldn’t have mattered as this is her worst event. On beam she was the only one to hit consistently at nats and also at the previous friendly meet in the Netherlands, even though she only has a 5.1D. On floor she brought her FTDLO (pretty piked and not landed very well) + DLO. She still needs to do a lot of cleaning up on the landings but I’m glad they worked on her stamina, since she finally managed to hit the full routine twice without dying. Casella revealed that the long term plan is for Asia to bring back the double arabian in third and only do 3 passes total (FTDLO, DLO, double arabian...send thoughts and prayers).

- Desirée Carofiglio also looks in an amazing shape. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen her look this confident and solid AA as she is now and I’ve been stanning her for ages so I know what I’m talking about. She was second only to Asia (who had a huge advantage with the big score her DTY earned her) in the AA and only by .2! Absolutely crazy. On vault she has her good 1.5Y back and a second vault which is a fhs pike. She unfortunately sat her 1.5Y in EF which kept her out of medals, but that’s clearly a fluke. She hit bars both in quals and EF, and she’s showing a lot more confidence and cleanliness of execution. Her Nabieva, while still on the pikey side, is getting consistent and her handstands have improved a lot and she scored a 14.000 on both days on this event, finishing in 4th in EF only because the 03s are excellent here. On beam she consistently hit her solid routine, going 13+ on both days and earning again a 4th place. But it’s FX where she truly shines with her beautiful front tumbling and great choreo. She brought back her front layout to double front tuck and her Dowell which she landed extremely well every time and this plus her awesome artistry (with a little help from Lara Mori not being very clean and Giorgia Villa not making FX EF) earned her the gold medal on floor. Overall, an amazing competition for her, and I hope this showed Casella he can count on her for more than just floor at worlds.

- Giorgia Villa, despite not having the best day in qualification (oob by two miles on her triple twist on floor and fall on beam on her tuck full), with her huge vault and bars she managed to snatch the bronze AA medal ahead of Alice D’Amato (who wasn’t exactly thrilled about her 4th place LOL, see pic, she’s in the pink leo)

Anyway, Giorgia still managed to make UB and BB EFs (beam was a bit of a splatfest in quals) and she won gold in both with superb routines. On bars Giorgia now has a consistent 6.2 routine which is full of connections including ricna-pak-maloney-bhardwaj which she sometimes connects to the VL. On beam, the roundoff tuck full has a decent hit rate, but since it’s such a hard acro, it will forever make me nervous. I’m very happy that (for now at least) she has taken out the double pike dismount in favor of a simple double twist which she can stick and, since her twisting form is great, gets wayyy less deductions. It should be noted that there have been hints from Brixia and GAI that both Asia and Giorgia are training Amanars (which is not surprising as both their DTYs are looking really good and you can tell they’ve been working on that extra twist lately, from the way they land the DTY). Hopefully and realistically, we won’t see them before next year but this is both exciting and terrifying. On floor, I’m also pretty confident that a Silivas is in the works for Giorgia, since her full-in is beautiful and high. I hope she ditches the DLO forever in favor of that. At nats (or at the dutch friendly) she hasn’t done the DLO so yay for that.

- Alice D’Amato looked like she was going to medal in the AA over Giorgia but she counted a fall on beam on her new double wolf turn and that put her in 4th place instead. Vault and bars looked great for her as well, however her floor needs extra work as her opening DLO is still short and so is her triple twist in second. This was particularly clear in FX EF, where she landed both passes kinda badly and then scratched the rest of the routine while touching her ankle...It *looks* like it shouldn’t be anything major, but she will undergo some checks before she can be declared fine. Hopefully she’ll be ok, it would be such a shame if she got injured again after all the struggle with her previous comeback. She won the bronze medal on bars with a great 14.200 routine.

- Elisa Iorio looks like she will be the one not doing AA at worlds out of the 03s right now, unless they’re having her peak riiiiiiight before worlds. She’s looking strong on bars, her best event, but on beam, the other event where she should shine, she’s still inconsistent. On vault, she brought back her DTY which, despite not looking dangerous, is not up to speed with the D’Amato and Giorgia’s, “only” scoring a 14.400 (for comparison, Desy’s 1.5 scored a 14.3). This has me wonder whether she’ll be vaulting or not. She definitely won’t be doing floor I’d say, since she got a 12.900 for a hit routine. I think unless her DTY improves in the next few days (unlikely) they should just have her do UB and possibly BB. I don’t know if I would bet on her or Desy’s consistency more tbh. Right now I’d go with Desy. She won silver on bars with a good routine. She didn’t connect out of the pak but she did connect Ezhova-VL which is very impressive. I wish she’d be able to bring back her endo dismount combo but I think she’s been having issues with it since she’s grown quite a bit. So now she’s just doing a double front.

- Martina Maggio proved once again that she can be a great backup asset and she will most likely be the alternate at worlds. She brought back her 1.5Y that is looking strong. Her bars and floor have a low D, but because she’s so clean and precise, she gains in E what she lacks in D. It’s on beam that she could offer the most to the team, with her cleanliness and consistency. She has added a double wolf turn on beam With her 5.3D, she managed to win silver in EF on this event, right behind Giorgia Villa. I’m so happy that she’s back on all 4 events after being injured repeatedly for such a long time.

- Lara Mori didn’t do AA and generally didn’t look too sharp BUT this is definitely understandable as she’s not planning on going to Worlds. This was her decision, she specifically asked Casella not to go because she wants to try and go the world cup route to qualify for Tokyo and get a spot no one will take away from her (smart). For this reason, she doesn’t need to do AA or to peak until Cottbus. Despite this, she still managed to make BB and FX EF and to win a silver medal on floor after a good routine, if a bit unpolished, with a .2 oob. I truly hope she will manage to qualify for Tokyo, however unlikely. It breaks my heart to think that it’s gonna be either her or Vanessa (or neither), but tbh if I had to pick one I’d 100% go with Lara, no matter how sentimental I am towards Vany. Lara is an amazing gymnast and she deserves so much more than what life (and Casella) has dealt her so far. Best of luck to her.

This competition also marked the return from injuries of Giada Grisetti, Maria Vittoria Cocciolo, and Noemi Linari. Giada especially looked very sharp and ready on all 4 events, despite some downgrading. I hope all 3 of them will manage to stay injury free because they can really be assets for the future.

Another notable result is Irene Lanza’s solid AA performance. She made all EFs but beam (where she was third reserve) and snatched a bronze medal on vault with just a FTY. For someone who seemingly came out of nowhere last year (in terms of national team assignments), she’s grown immensely and she should be really proud of herself.

Here are the EF rankings.

#assoluti 2019 #asia d'amato #desirée carofiglio #giorgia villa #alice d'amato #elisa iorio #martina maggio #lara mori #giada grisetti #irene lanza #noemi linari #maria vittoria cocciolo

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soovaryit · 6 years

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So it’s the second anniversary of my endo diagnosis (woooo), and I thought I’d share my experience of the diagnostic laparoscopy. Obviously, this is (usually) straightforward day surgery and nothing to be concerned about at all, but undoubtedly you have your reservations about what the experience and end result will be like. This will differ drastically for everyone, for some it will be a short and simple procedure and others there may be complications or the need for surgeons to make bigger incisions. I speak to a lot of people who think they may have endo but are worried about the lap and diagnostic process and my god I don’t blame you. But regardless of the struggle, I’m glad I pushed for a diagnosis and am (hopefully) on the path to healing. I know that people are worried about scarring, anaesthesia, pain and the recovery period and unfortunately, I can’t predict what it will be like but I can tell you it will be worth it in the end and that it is a (slightly scary) step forward.

In the scheme of things, I am a total endo amateur, having had only one lap and chosen to stick with the less drastic options of multiple hormonal contraceptives as I am lucky that it is not too severe. I can’t fathom the strength of those who have to go through multiple laps a year, as well as much more serious surgeries to reconstruct and remove organs that have been affected by endo. You are true warriors and I hope so much that you continue healing <3 I was initially very excited for my lap, although probably naïve to feel that way. I didn’t know much about the disease yet and assumed that they’d be able to remove it all, leaving me pain-free, with a Mirena coil to prevent further growth (as propositioned by my equally naïve GP). Obviously, it is rarely that simple. Getting to the point of the lap was emotionally draining, to say the least, but once I’d convinced multiple doctors that I could barely function because of the pain, I was booked in with 2 months wait. This is when I started to read stories like this, personal experiences of the operation and diagnosis process and it helped a lot. Some were reassuring, some worried me but ultimately I felt a sense of solidarity no matter what the outcome and still felt positive about the procedure. Unfortunately, my consultant, a gynaecologist with no special interest or education in endo was absolute shite*. In my two appointments before the procedure, he was fairly dismissive and not convinced that it would be endometriosis. This did not exactly fill me with confidence but changing doctors would be a long and arduous process and I decided this was the best thing at the time. The anaesthesia, which I was anxious about having not been put under since I was much younger, was absolutely fine. Anaesthesiologists are amazing at keeping you calm and I can barely recall being in the room at any point, let alone falling asleep. When I woke up I felt EXTREMELY emotional and ultimately pissed off. Everyone will have different reactions to anaesthesia and mine have always been volatile so it wasn’t really a surprise but basically everyone will be super nice to you.

The consultant came to see and his first words were ‘I have some bad news’. I instantly burst into tears (OBVIOUSLY) and he started laughing, revealing that he had had to remove my belly button piercing before making the incision. This was not a funny joke and my parents called him out on it which I am eternally grateful for. He then went on to tell me that he was SURPRISED that I did, in fact, have endometriosis (I think I get angrier every time I think about how he handled this scenario). He told me that it had been active for around 6 years and he could see that the mega dose of hormones I was given in the months leading up to the op had healed the majority of it (he said a good thing! Yay!). He told me I still had one active patch that had grown on a blood vessel and could not be removed, ever. My heart sunk even though overall it had given me the validation that I wasn’t making up the 7 years of pain I experienced. Knowing that I had a patch that may not heal meant I would still be living with the pain and that was shitty to hear. He immediately told me his action plan which included ‘shutting down’ my ovaries for up to a year – inducing menopause. He did not give me any further information or a different choice. Ultimately, my choice treatment came from brilliant sources on the internet **and not a qualified doctor, which speaks volumes for how much knowledge many general gyanes actually have about diseases such as endo.

The next few days were very difficult emotionally and physically. I had the best possible support network around me but I felt extremely isolated couldn’t stop replaying the last 7 years of pain in my head and questioning why I never acted on getting a diagnosis sooner. I wondered how much pain I could have saved myself. I wondered if previous relationships would have worked out if I hadn’t been struggling with the burden of this disease and all the emotional shit that goes along with it. The pain, ironically, was similar to a super awful endo episode but stitches etc and the insertion of the coil made it more uncomfortable (I bought myself a latex skirt with the intention of wearing a week later to cheer me up – wrong decision. Ow.). There was also weird crampy shoulder pain that I read about due to the gas inserted into your abdomen during the surgery, that passed within a couple of days. The physical side was easy enough to bear. I had put up with varying levels of pain for 16 years which gives you a pretty high pain threshold. The emotional side of it was completely unexpected and really knocked me back. This is the part that they are seriously lacking in in medical situations. I was discharged that day with a follow-up appointment in a month’s time, the doctors words of ‘shutting my ovaries down’ ringing in my ears and I felt completely unsatisfied and terrified for the future. I knew I couldn’t live with that much pain anymore and so worried that it would never get better. When you have a lifelong condition like endo it is so hard to feel certainty and optimism about the future when you don’t know what your body might do next. It took over a year for the Mirena coil to have an impact on the pain which is pretty shitty and I’m not sure it ever would have worked for me alone despite doctors claiming its a ‘cure’. Luckily, I then found a wonderful doctor who prescribed me Cerelle, a progesterone only pill to boost my progesterone levels in an attempt to ease the pain. I also began therapy and a year’s course of Sertraline as my mood was (understandably) in the gutter.

It was at this point I started to unpick the negative and self-damaging thought processes I was having around the disease. I thought that it was my fault. I thought that I should have tried to get it diagnosed sooner. I felt like a burden to everyone. I felt like a lesser human because sometimes I couldn’t do ‘normal’ things like go to work or cook for myself or get out of bed. As I’m sure you’ve realised these are profoundly wrong, and if you feel yourself agreeing with those statements, it’s vital you seek some support and deconstruct the way you relate to your endo. To anyone facing the uncertainty of an diagnosis, my advice to you is to try and prepare emotionally. Refer yourself for counselling because anyone with a chronic condition NEEDS to talk about it, regularly, openly and without shame. It is essential for your mental health. If this isn’t an option for you, you can also speak to online counsellors or even get support from the wonderful people at Endometriosis UK (via helplines and support groups). Basically, it’s ok to admit that you’re scared, its ok to not feel positive and it’s understandable that those feelings are hard to come to terms with.

The actual diagnosis is hard to swallow but once it is on your medical records some things get easier. You have proof to show your employers, schools and universities, access to more/stronger pain meds and at least some explanation for the pain you’ve experienced. It’s beyond ridiculous that we live in a world where pain isn’t taking seriously until the point of diagnosis but that’s something that won’t change quickly and once your diagnosis has been confirmed you can look at the ways in which you can be supported. Two years on my pain has improved to the point where sometimes I can’t remember what a bad day feels like. That in itself is an incredible feat to me and somewhere I never thought I would be. Flare-ups are still hard and take it out of me but they are less frequent. I still talk about endo and my feelings about it as much as possible to cope with the bad days and to remind myself that that it’s still something I’ll have to deal with for life and constanly develop new coping mechanisms for. Remember that there is no shame in anything that you feel around your body or your condition and your emotions are powerful and completely valid.

*UK people – for doctors who are not complete shite make sure you have a look at your nearest accredited endometriosis centre here

**Brilliant sources = mainly Endometriosis UK who are absolutely amazingly informative and supportive but also The Mighty (catch one of my articles on the most read page oOoOoOoh)

#endometriosis #endometriosisawareness #diagnosis #chronicillness #chronicpain #support #counselling #wellbeing #samaritans #endometriosisuk #bsge

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therisenson · 7 years

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07092017

Alright I’m going to do this because I need to process and reflect if I’m going to get through this. And also Jesus, I’m going to need some of Him, too. I see you, Lord. For anyone who takes the time to read/pray for me, I am truly so thankful for you. I'm not the best at sharing when I’m going through difficult times; I like to wait until everything is over so I can cheerfully praise the Lord and kind of gloat/boast over how I got out of it (and of course it’s never me who gets over it, it’s the Lord’s grace that carries me through it)...but I recently listened to a John Piper sermon where he goes over Psalm 42 (the “as a deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you” one) and points out that the psalmist doesn’t end with a resolution. He cries out to the Lord, in pain, in trouble - yet the psalmist doesn’t record that the Lord rescues him yet. He’s still in the midst of darkness and suffering - and it’s completely okay. Still, he is praising the Lord.

I really want to do the same.

I have a really hard time telling whether I’m depressed or not and I guess I’m going to need a professional’s opinion to gauge my mental well-being. I also sadly have this desire to be depressed (or more so - I hope whatever this is, is depression) because then at least I’d have some semblance of an excuse for how crappy I’ve been these past few weeks. Anyway, there has been this headache that has not given me relief, at any point in time, even with painkillers, for two weeks and two days. At first I thought I was just severely exhausted - thus I took a day off work to sleep (I swear this headache gets worse with excessive sleep...). Then I had that moment of paranoia where I thought I had a brain tumor. Then I reasoned it was allergies after a visit to my endo. And then finally a visit with my primary had me considering that it could possibly be depression and/or anxiety causing my headache (that coupled with a few online quizzes that all noted I was moderately to severely depressed but who can attest to the accuracy of online quizzes? I know they don’t equate to a medical diagnoses. Thus my wariness and confusion...but can you see how this makes me worry?)

Anyhow...how did my primary come to this conclusion? He simply asked if there was anything else going on and when I opened my mouth to answer, no words came out, only dry heaves...and then shortly after, shameful sobbing (mind you - in a room with the doctor, his medical scribe...and an intern...I have the worst luck). He mentions therapy - I tell him I actually just signed up the day before (with PRN) and he says we’ll see how that goes and to follow up in six weeks. He says, “you’re free to go sweetie,” and I make my way to the front desk so distraught and flustered that I decide I cannot wait for the person in front of me to check out/schedule the next appointment - I just bolt for the exit and desperately try to dry my eyes in the elevator. It sucks. My headache isn’t going to go away. There is nothing he can give me to take away the pressure in my head and more concerning - I feel there is nothing that can help me take away this building anxiety in my heart.

Nights are incredibly hard. I dread going to sleep. What is it about being alone in bed at night that makes us so vulnerable, so susceptible to all these anxious thoughts, so weak and desperate that we listen to Satan’s lies? But, what’s even more frustrating for me is I CANNOT TELL WHAT IN THE WORLD SETS ME OFF. I can’t figure out if there’s any triggers. I just go to bed, turn off the lights, and ten seconds later, my heart fills with sadness. With overwhelming, heart breaking sadness and then I can no longer lie down, I have to sit up because I cannot stand the pressure in my chest and suddenly I am heaving and sobbing and I cannot stop. I have to cry - anywhere from 20 minutes to a good hour before I exhaust myself and then I have to wait another 20 minutes to an hour to regain normal breathing patterns (my nose is way stuffed at this point) and not break down due to another panic attack. It absolutely sucks - it makes my headache ten times worse and I wake up super puffy and droopy eyed, utterly drained.

In the midst of my tears, I hardly have enough breathe to pray to the Lord. I can’t even think straight. The only thing I’m aware of is how much pain I’m in and how utterly helpless I feel. I am not sober minded. I am not in my right mind. If I can catch a moment of clear headedness, I try to pray. “Help me,” is my most uttered prayer - yet I feel the Lord doesn’t answer...ehhh let’s say 90% of the time. Sometimes, He gives me strength (I think? or I just get mad tired and can’t cry anymore). But, most of the time, He’s silent.

The mornings are better, sort of. I wake up tired but hopeful. The sun is out. I can leave my bed. I have people to see. But, then when I realize I have people to see, I start getting tired again. To give you a glimpse into the thoughts that ruin me: “Am I going to be able to interact with them as I normally do? Do I have the energy? Should I just not try too hard lest I burn myself out because Lord knows I do that A LOT? But, then what if I’m just being overdramatic and I really can handle it and then I’ll just bum others out unnecessarily? But, would I even be acting with love in my heart because if I do all things but have no love then it’s all for naught? But, just because I can’t do it from an abundant overflow of my heart I shouldn’t do it? Should I tell other people I need help (oh God, I want to scream to the world HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME) but what can they do? Do they even care enough to pray for me? Will they look at me differently or will they feel awkward around me? What would I do if someone told me they were sad...I’d prob say I’d pray for them, do it for a day and then never do it again and then feel super guilty when I see them...well no point in making them feel that way then. But, I seriously need help isn’t that what community/friends are for? Yeah, but how much faith do you have in them? (I guess little, huh) And O God...what if they feel really bad for me and just keep checking up on me because they feel bad...that’s pity that I actually would not enjoy it would make me feel extremely uncomfortable because wow it just makes a person feel real weak and like there’s something wrong with them, you know? I really feel so weird telling them and oh well as long as Jesus knows He’ll help me. But, what if Jesus will only help me if I be brave and tell people...? Does it even work that way? O my God, what in the world am I supposed to do I feel so stuck.” And thus I spiral into darker thoughts and I just am so done. I don’t know what to do anymore.

WELL. All that to say - God does give me moments of clear headedness. Church. Sermons. Fellowship. I taste little pockets of joy and it’s like the taste is duller but it’s there. It’s definitely there. I don’t want to lose the fight (as Julia was sharing today during service, with tears running down her face and voice quivering but dang she was courageous AF) so whenever I remember, I tell the Lord: “Help me. Strengthen me. Uplift me with your righteous right hand because I will lose unless you help me and I want to win, Lord, I want to win so bad. For your glory. For your glory.”

Things I have found that help me:

- exercise in the morning. It makes my head pound like MAD and I feel like utter death but one hour later, I feel the better for it.

- picking one or two things that I absolutely will commit to getting done that day and dragging myself out of my funk to do it and then mentally celebrating such little victory (ex: BUY GROCERIES WOMAN LEST YOU STARVE) because honestly it is so hard to do even the little things now.

- writing. picking up my pen and journal and pouring out my anxious thoughts on paper as if draining the ink in my pen will simultaneously drain the poisonous black thoughts in my heart.

- and hopefully therapy as of next next monday! excited to see how specifically christian counseling works.

I know Jesus is here in the midst of it all. Like Julia experienced - it is just very hard to hear His voice (if I could ever say I did...) and it is extremely hard to seek His voice. I’m honestly a little scared. I know thoughts can spiral and I’ve had suicidal thoughts before but I always reasoned that I’m extremely optimistic and determined to the core to be happy so I would never do anything to myself. Thoughts are thoughts. But, holy crap the fact that I tried to cut myself I feel like is very concerning and I know that I’m not in the best of places to gauge what mental state I’m at so I’m very scared of how I’m actually doing. What I do know is that I’m very arrogant and prideful and way too confident in my own abilities to handle things...thus probably why it’s come to this...this...ughhh whatever this is. Pastor would deem it the wilderness.

Anyhow...I guess this is a very not put together, not so silent but kind of veiled, cry for help. Internet...help me. (nono, it should be:) Jesus, help me.

Psalm 42:11

Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

#faith #suffering #help #depression...?#anxiety #Jesus #Godisgood

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soovaryit · 7 years

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Diagnosing endo part 2

I have an essay due in 3 days so obviously Tumblr is my priority. I’ll explain a bit more here about the process of actually being diagnosed but It could be MUCH more in depth so please message me if you want to know any specifics or any advice. When I was suspected of having it (after 5+ years of being ignored and brushed off by various medical professionals) I religiously read blogs, websites, articles and anything I could get my hands on to understand what was happening inside me. Although I’d had health problems before there is something so uniquely devastating about endometriosis. The best way I can think to describe it is feeling like you’ve been invaded, like you’re fighting your own body and losing when it’s supposed to be on your side with the knowledge that there is no end in sight (no end-o? wheeey). The pain reached its peak near the end of my second relationship. My biggest regret is not being able to communicate with my partner about the pain I was in, instead I resented him for taking an interest in it and for trying to be closer to me at a time where I wanted to shut myself off from everything rather than deal with these feelings. It took me a long time to stop blaming myself for doing that. I didn’t understand what was happening so how on earth could I help someone else to understand? I used to think having any kind of health problem was easier in a relationship because you had that constant emotional support. But the expectation you have of your partner supposedly knowing you, knowing how you how feel when you’re in pain, knowing how to act and when to act, was a very damaging part of my relationship. I was relieved when I ended it for both our sakes. Six months after that, in September 2015 I became unable to work because of the pain, the bleeding, the sleepless nights and endless worrying that my insides were just giving up on me. My self worth had gone to shit and I got involved with a self confessed narcissist with his own cocktail of mental and physical health problems to distract me (I don’t feel bad writing that because he’ll be too busy wanking off to his own reflection somewhere to read this). This at least marked at a turning point at which I regularly crawled to the GP in tears begging them to listen to me. I was constantly in trouble at one of my two jobs and because of the invisible illness element of it I was treated with disdain and told I was being overly dramatic about period pain and would face disciplinary. It was hard to fight my corner when I had no clue what was wrong, no medical evidence and nothing visible I could show to anyone. I was only taken seriously when I came in for a shift where I felt like my organs were falling out, walked onto the shop floor and burst into tears. People at work changed their tune but I didn’t feel any more supported or hate myself and my body any less for constantly failing me and it irritated me that I had to constantly get to a point of breaking down for people to listen. After months solidly on the pill (to stop me having any kind of period), as well as a couple of instances of passing out and A&E trips due to pain, in February 2016 I had a laparoscopy. It was performed by a disinterested doctor who genuinely said the words ‘I didn’t think there was anything wrong with you. How did you cope being in so much pain? You should have made more of a fuss’ as soon as I came round from the anaesthetic (my parents had words with him and I love them for that). He confirmed what I knew all along: That most doctors did not take women’s pain seriously, especially when it was to do with their reproductive organs. He flippantly told me he would give me an injection that would ‘shut my ovaries down’ and put me into early menopause for at least 6 months at age 23 (which I graciously declined at a later date). The lowest point was the next week or so. Naturally the narcissist didn’t wish me well before the operation and ignored me for weeks on end afterwards and my outlook became bleaker and bleaker. They had told me that the pill had healed a lot of my endo which was great but that there was an active patch on a blood vessel they would never be able to remove and scarring on my abdomen and pouch of douglas (why that name though? I really don’t understand). I had super got my hopes in the weeks before surgery and convinced myself that this would be the end – they’d remove what was there, pop in a mirena coil and I could put it all behind me and be pain free. No one prepared me for the emotional upset of being told not only that your own consult DID NOT BELIEVE the pain I shared with him but also that they had not been able to rectify the situation through the surgery. I was told there was a chance the coil would improve the pain but we would see in 6 – 18 months and there was nothing more they could do. I was discharged and never, in any of this, was any psychological aspect mentioned. The amount of hormones going in and out of my body in those few months was enough to make anyone miserable, let alone the healing scars, discomfort of the coil settling in (almost as bad as the discomfort of realising it has done nothing for the pain a year later woooo) and the abrupt return to my three part time jobs where I was fine now as far as anyone was bothered. Saying this, once again I never shared my discomfort with anyone outside my immediate support network, and even stopped talking about it to them after a while for fear of becoming annoying. Instead I did what I was used to: internalised everything, hated myself, felt anger and frustration over my lack of control over my body, health and emotions and tried to make everyone around me comfortable (even those who didn’t deserve it) at the expense of my own health and sanity. It’s been a long path to being able to write any of this with crippling shame and anxiety over what people might think but I am so sure I am right in saying that I am important, my body and comfort is important and the people around you need to know your needs in order to help you. The best thing I learnt from this whole experience was that I can absolutely handle it alone (because I forced myself to) but people are so willing to help as soon as they are aware of what you’re going through. And it’s up to you to make them aware because no matter how well someone knows you, they cannot feel your pain and know your thoughts. Never feel guilty for making your needs known, for feeling what you really feel but don’t hold it against those around you because it is a toxic, lonely place. I’m still in pain daily and there is still no end in sight, more investigations to come and a constant balance of trying to enjoy myself without burning myself out completely. But somewhere in all of this, with the support of beautiful friends and considerate and understanding sexual conquests (Is there any better way to say that? Probably) I changed my relationship to my mind and body for the better and am on my way to a much better place. And for the record strong painkillers, anti-depressants, therapy (not CBT) and binge eating comfort food are also really really great.

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