#and also chronic illness is hard bc if I could just get a job like a normal person then I think I’d be so happy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

catscidr · 4 months

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hi.. hello... may I request a dottore fic w/chronically ill reader? chronically ill as in, can't get enough sleep due to pain, doesn't clean themselves/shower, or doesn't eat a lot due to the pain and loss of appetite.

this part is a bit self indulgent but maybe reader can't walk properly due to it and needs assistance by dottore (or his segments) to hold her hand and let her cling onto them as they walk?

absolutely understandable if not! hope you have a good day :) 🕊

yes!! absolutely!! (included this other ask too bc i felt they were similar enough) im sorry i disappeared for a bit, life happened and this and that and i didn't have time to write and when i did i just.... couldn't write LOLヽ(；▽；) i don't have a chronic illness so i did my best with what i had (google and my own experiences with body pains n stuff(?) ) so pls lmk if there's like. any wording i should change and whatnot. big smoochies to u nonnie i hope this makes you feel at least a little better ♡♡ ⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝⸝ cw: a whole lotta fluff, established relationship, dottore is probably a little ooc bc he's very soft, him and The Clones are doting on reader HARD. reader is shorter than the men includes: fem reader, dottore and his segments (Omega is the oldest, Delta is webttore, Iota is the youngest), Columbina is mentioned, fatui npcs are also mentioned wc: 2,3k

The doctor was infamous for being cruel, aloof and barbaric. From his experiments to his way of treating his coworkers, practically everyone that worked in the Fatui wanted nothing to do with him, since even if they happened to not get on his bad side, even being associated with him meant other members of the organization would look at them funny. The only people the Harbinger spoke to daily, apart from you, were his many segments.

The same couldn’t be said for you though. When you could, you’d spend time with Viktor or Ekaterina whenever they were in Snezhnaya, hang out with Damselette when she was free or simply just make small talk with anyone willing to stop by for a chat. Unfortunately, you haven’t been able to enjoy other people’s presence since your body’s been feeling quite sluggish as of late, exhaustion seeping into your limbs much quicker than it should. Your predicament made it so that you were confined to the four walls of your room most days, human interaction being limited to Dottore and his clones.

Not that you particularly minded, since they were an entertaining bunch. Dottore took care of you most of the time, but since his job was quite demanding, he couldn’t be there for you all the time. Which is where his segments came in.

“The soup isn’t that hot, and I already blew on it! Just eat already,” Delta grumbles loudly, his patience wearing thin as it made way for aggressive worry to take place. You stick your tongue out at him, a tired and petty act of rebellion despite your situation.

“I dare you to take a sip. For sure it’ll be able to melt your mechanic tongue right off,” you huff in annoyance, both from the minimal hours of sleep you’d been getting and your own patience coming to an end. The man makes a tsk sound, torn between wanting to prove you wrong by humoring your suggestion or wanting to just grab an ice cube and tossing it in the bowl in malicious compliance. He doesn’t have time to decide though, because two people come into your room right as he opened his mouth to reply.

“Prime told me to check in on you,” Omega says as he breaches the doorframe. “You’re taking too long.” he adds, crossing his arms. The older segment stares down at his maskless coworker, lips curling down in a frown. Delta scowls, readjusting himself on your bed- he was sitting to your right, his legs thrown over the side of the bed. He glances over his shoulder at the interruption, scowl now much more genuine as he glares daggers at the older segment.

“I would have been back a long time ago if someone,” he doesn’t hide the way his eyes glance over at your sulking form, “had cooperated with me.” Still holding up the spoon he had tried to feed you previously, he lowers it into the bowl while gesturing for Omega to come closer. The latter walks over to the bed calmly while Iota saunters over to your left side, chatting up a storm about how he’s missed you and asking when you’ll be joining them back in the lab again.

“Maybe if you knew how to speak to women,” the oldest taunts, lips curling into a small grin, the only feature visible on his masked face. You giggle as Delta bites back an insult, purposely ignoring his superior to instead try to make you get something in your system one more time.

“Where’s Dottore?” you ask the Omega segment, turning your face away from Delta. The latter glares at you, handing over the bowl of soup to the other man. Iota suggests feeding you but is quickly dismissed by the other two, much to his dismay.

“Busy. Although he said he would come by to test something, if I recall correctly... didn’t mention what it was, though,” the masked segment says, blowing on a spoonful of soup to cool it off. You nod, eating the spoonful when Omega presents it to you, earning a look of disbelief from Delta. “How are you feeling today?” the oldest asks, tuning out Delta’s many choice words aimed at him. You do the same, focused on eating and taking your time swallowing the food so as to not upset your already sensitive stomach.

“Could be better,” you respond with a sigh. “I feel pain... everywhere. And I’m tired but I can’t sleep,” you add between spoonfuls. Omega nods, letting you rant as he silently listens to you while subtly observing the way your chest heaves up and down, as if your lungs were working overtime to accommodate to an elevated heart rate.

He hums, dipping the spoon in the bowl to feed you again. You shake your head at him and put a hand up in front of your mouth, your brows creasing your forehead. The clone doesn’t push further and instead hands Iota the unfinished bowl of food, quietly asking for him to put it away. The young boy nods eagerly, happy to be of use as he scurries away. Delta follows after him to make sure he doesn’t break anything, but glances behind his shoulder to take one last look at you, worry obvious on his usually irked face.

“How long has it been since Prime has last given your previous dose of aspirin?” he asks, leaning closer to you to push your hair out of your face. Expression scrunched up in discomfort from the sudden food intake, you make a noise of discontentment, a vague answer to his question. He frowns but doesn’t voice his displeasure aloud, instead comforting you through your nausea. Noticing pearls of sweat beading up on your hairline, Omega pulls your bed sheets away slightly, making you more comfortable.

“Can you try swallowing for me?” he asks gently, tilting his head forward and to the side to look at your throat. It takes you a hot second but after some struggle you do as he instructed and swallow, your throat bobbing up as you do, and the segment hums in satisfaction. “Good,” he murmurs quietly, placing one hand on your shoulder to help you straighten your back.

“Let me help you up. Hold onto my hand for me?” Omega asks, helping you slip out of bed, putting a strong arm under yours to help you stand up. You wordlessly interlock your fingers into his own and wobble slightly, knees weak and devoid of strength, but he holds you up, bending his own knees slightly to accommodate your height. The wave of nausea comes and goes, making your legs unsteady as the clone helps you walk towards the bathroom connected to your bedroom.

Delta comes back without Iota in tow and immediately notices your discomfort. His legs work faster than his mind and he’s to your left in the blink of an eye, supporting your weight as well to help you and Omega out. The three of you reach the sink counter and as the oldest helps you sit up on it, Delta squints at his fellow clone.

“Can one of you get my bucket,” you manage to croak out between deep breaths, head slumped forward to rest against Omega’s shoulder. While he rubs soothing circles on your back Delta quickly grabs the bucket you kept in your room, footsteps as silent as he could as to not disturb you. You murmur a quiet thank you to him, sitting up to the best of your ability as you shoot him a grateful smile.

“Are you feeling well enough to bathe or are you still lightheaded?” Omega asks, one of his gloved hands coming up to your forehead. He feels some heat seep through the leather fabric but waits for your answer nonetheless, crimson eyes covered by his mask staring into you. You nod, leaning into the coolness of his hand.

“Mmhyeah, jus’ help me out a bit,” you mumble sleepily, exhaustion taking over your nausea. Delta doesn't need to be told twice as he turns on the tap to fill up the bath, keeping a hand beneath it to make the sound of water splashing in the tub quieter to avoid bothering you.

✧✧✧

With a towel resting over your head and newfound energy flowing through your limbs, you saunter into your partner’s main lab to find him. Omega had left shortly after you finished bathing, begrudgingly telling you that he had to go back to work- but Delta stayed with you long enough to keep you company while you let your eyes rest. He gave you some painkillers- nothing like what Dottore gave you to keep the pain at bay, but it worked as a temporary solution- and you felt energized enough to leave your bedroom to get ahold of Dottore.

Delta walked behind you, not wanting to go back to the laboratory just yet but the last thing he wanted was to leave you alone, his mind working up a multitude of scenarios in which you’d get hurt. Although he was all bark and no bite, he still cared about you immensely- more than he’d ever admit. He watches your hair drip water onto the pristine white tiles as you walk and steps on the water with his boots, smudging the liquid to wipe it away.

“Dottore!” you exclaim happily, eyes lighting up when you finally catch sight of the familiar mop of blue hair paired with his matching tired eyes and scarred skin adorning his face. The Harbinger looks up from his work, eyes displaying a mix of surprise and something akin to irritation- a result from catching him off guard.

“Darling,” he says softly, quietly enough that you barely catch the loving nickname slipping past his chapped lips. “Did you eat?” he asks, brushing the dirt off his hands on his slacks. You engulf his torso in a warm hug, immediately comforted by the familiar faint scent of his cologne and whatever cleaning supply he used in his lab. He returns the hug gently and Delta looks away immediately, flustered at the sight of his boss being publicly affectionate.

You respond with a muffled mhm, refusing to pull away. “Didn’t eat much but it was something. Omega ‘n Delta helped me bathe. Took something for the pain. Now I’m here,” you summarize, face still smushed against him. He hums in approval, but concern still creases his brows as he uses one of his hands to rub up your back and the other to dry off your hair completely using the towel on your head. Delta murmurs an excuse before leaving the premises, not able to withstand the pda.

“You shouldn’t be out of bed,” he says sternly but softly. “I’m working on something that’ll help you in the long run, it’ll do you good to allow your body to recuperate as much as it can. Have you been sleeping alright?”

You slump against him. Of course he’d notice how tired you were even if he couldn’t see your face.

“...No,” you mumble. He doesn’t respond, but you feel his head moving as he looks around his workspace, seemingly looking for something. He lets out a quiet aha when he does and he brings his arms down to your shoulders to push you away.

“I have something you can take to help you sleep. You shouldn’t feel nauseous nor dizzy when you take it as well,” Dottore says, immediately talking about the possible complications before you can even open your mouth to refuse his offer. “I tested it out myself,” he adds, lips curling into a small smile when he sees your face change from a pout to bewilderment.

“You? The great Dottore, ex-scholar of the Akademiya, willingly taking medication to make him sleep? You never get rest, and you expect me to believe you when you talk about sleeping medication?” you say with an amused scoff. Dottore raises a brow at your teasing but doesn’t comment on it, instead he chooses to brush his pointer finger’s knuckle beneath your eyes.

“You should believe me because I never get rest, my love,” he says fondly. “And because your dark circles are so prominent, I could probably see them from the other side of the laboratory.” he adds. You huff but lean into his touch, eyes drooping from the burst of energy catching up on your body. You hear him chuckle under his breath as he shifts his body to grab the medication in question and a syringe with a sterilized needle, preparing the equipment to administer it to you.

“If you get an adequate amount of rest, I’ll take two days off work to take care of you properly. How does that sound?” he asks lightly, flicking the syringe to let out any air bubbles out. You look away with furrowed brows and roll your eyes, but still give him your arm.

“Now you’re just trying to bait me,” you say, looking at him from the corner of your eyes. He shrugs, not arguing with your accusation because you were technically right. When he’s done with the syringe you feel his arms wrap around you, the warmth of his body making you sigh pleasantly.

You can’t tell what it is that makes your body grow so incredibly tired so suddenly; if it was the medication, the strain on your body or if it was because you just felt that comfortable in Dottore’s arms, but you didn’t really care. As you felt Dottore move you to one of his couches, you reach out to grab onto his sleeve to keep him nearby.

He complies, crouching to be at your level as you crack your eyes open to look at him. You murmur a quiet love you and shut your eyes contentedly, smiling softly once you feel his lips make contact with your forehead as you hear him clearly say I love you too back.

#୧ ‧₊˚orderup!#dottore x reader #dottore x you #genshin x reader #genshin x you #dottore x fem!reader #dottore x afab reader #il dottore x you #il dottore x reader #uuauaoaoaoghghhh i love soft dottore #IM WRITING THE ASKS IN MY INBOX I SWEAR

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hotchs-big-hands · 8 months

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ngl i would genuinely get off to making haley jealous and angry because of how fucking easy it is. my personal hc here but i think she was controlling and thought she had hotch wrapped around her finger and it infuriated her that his job was the only thing he refused to listen to her about. i also think she tried to baby trap him with jack in the assumption that would "fix" their marriage and when it only made it worse she blamed aaron for never being home when she easily couldve hired a nanny or regular babysitter so she could work or do whatever. i believe she cheated bc of that one phone call to their house when hotch answered and it was a random man asking for haley before hanging up and the look hotch gave her like yeah he knew she was fucking around too. i think it made her even angrier that when she filed for divorce hotch didnt even fight her onit! didnt ask to work things out or for counseling or anything. just "okay ill sign the papers when i get back from this case"

now assuming reader is mid twenties i think your very existence would have her enraged. aaron seems happier and even healthier. hes got more color in his face, hes put on some healthy weight, he smiles and laughs now, he takes more time off work, his life has clearly significantly improve since she left him and she cant fucking stand it. she thought she was the best thing that ever happened to him and now shes seeing in real time she's actually the worst thing ♥️♥️

and you thinks its funny as hell to watch a 40 year old woman with a whole ass kid be that bent out of fucking shape because the man SHE LEFT is fine without her. like yes maam i am younger than you, hotter than you, nicer than you AND i can ride the dick just right. stay pressed bitch 💕. and when she tries interfering in your relationship hotch asks you to put up with it just for a bit because he knows hack is still adjusting to coparenting and he wants the best for his son so you let him handle his exwife until she crosses a line and tries to accuse you of some shit and aaron finally puts his foot down and haley cant believe that shes really lost complete control over aaron (haha fuck you haley)

like i fantasize about a situation where haley is trying SOOOO hard to break yall up and drive a wedge between you two and it isnt until jacks birthday or some big family function aaron brought you too and haley cant help it but lowkey stalk yall all night and so youre like "aaron watch this" and you drag him off to some secluded corner and hes like ??? but you tell him "hold on baby give it a minute. bet you anything haley pops up" and then once you hear footsteps you give aaron a big fat smooch and surprise surprise!! whos coming around the corner? why its haleys stalker ass following you two like a creep!

i literally just want to cuck haleys pathetic ass because fuck her and her scraggly blonde hair and that nappy ass wig she had on in witness protection with her no-style-no-personality-all-about-me havin ass 😒😒😒😒

sorry this is such a convoluted mess i just hate that lady 😭😭

I NEEDN'T SAY MORE THIS IS EXACTLY MY THOTS I WANT THAT WOMAN SEEEETHING AT THE SIGHT OF AARON BEING HAPPY AND THRIVING. SHE WOULD ABSOLUTELY BE THE CRAZY EX WHO PROBABLY ENDS UP HARASSING YOU.

The SECOND she says smth nasty abt you Aaron is soooooo fucking pissed. She insults you saying you're just a whore sleeping with Aaron for his money (and cuz us babes are plus-size queens she HATES THAT) and that Aaron is not attracted to you.

And Aaron OOF he takes her to one side and tells her she is fucking nothing but the mother of his child now. That YOU are his everything. YOU make him the man he is now. He's fucking happy with you as the love of his life and that Haley made him chronically stressed and depressed and almost completely ruined his self esteem. He warns her to back the fuck off from him and reader. He does not want any communication with her unless it's to do with Jack. End of.

#cutie kenzie #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner #💌 ah asks #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner imagine

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lionlena · 1 year

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You need a better place (Joelxreader)

So I got a request from @rm4sblog

Could you write something about Joel loving a girl with epilepsy, taking care of her, helping her, comforting her, and dealing with the memory loss and other side effects of seizures?

I agreed because the topic of epilepsy is not completely foreign to me. My cat suffers from epilepsy and unfortunately, I have seen his seizures. Of course, it's not the same as human epilepsy, but there are some similarities. Even the medications are so similar that my cat can take human medications.

I hope you will like it.

Warnings: chronic illness, epilepsy, epileptic seizure, anxiety, mention of death risk, hurt/comfort, little angst, little smut (bc you wanted, I guess)

Having epilepsy would suck in the ordinary world. In a pandemic world, that was fucking bad. It was hard to predict when you'd have an attack. Sometimes all it took was someone to shine a flashlight in your eyes. Other times, a stressful situation was enough.

So... As if everything was stressful during the pandemic. And you had a hard time finding a job. Your options were really limited. Even if you were a great shooter, this encounter with the clicker would probably end in your defeat. You would have an epilepsy attack and no weapon would help you.

Of course, there were drugs that helped you. They reduced the frequency and length of attacks, but they weren't easy to get. You'd never get them yourself. You probably would have died long ago if it wasn't Joel who help you.

Ever since you met this surly, rough, soft-hearted guy, your life has changed for the better. Sometimes you didn't know what made Joel Miller love you so much. How did you deserve such a man? He was tough and brutal on the outside with other people, but in the privacy of your apartment, he treated you like a princess. And he hated it when you said you were "broken." Then he would immediately silence you with a kiss, cup your cheeks and look at you with those brown eyes: "Shhh, sweetheart. You're perfect. If any one of us is broken, it's me and only me."

Nothing in the world would make him leave you. Though sometimes you would that he to leave you.

You loved him like no one else in the world, but when you saw how he risked it to get you medicine, your heart broke. Every time you wiped the blood from his face, when you massaged his tense back when you waited for him to come home, when he left the quarantine zone.

Sometimes you've wondered if, for his sake, you shouldn't rejected him. Tell him he's too old for you, that you don't love him. You would hurt him for his own good.

But the selfish part of you couldn't do that. Because you've never been as happy with anyone as you have been with Joel. There were good days, weeks, and even months when you didn't have a seizure.

And there were days when Joel would throw you on the bed and cover your naked body with kisses. And you let him whisper in your ear all the dirty things he could think of. You screamed his name as his head was between your legs and his tongue worked wonders on your clit.

You tugged at his hair and kissed him deeply, letting him know that he was the sexiest man in the whole fucked up world. You praised his cock and laughed at the soft pink that covered his cheeks. Your man was so insecure at times, and you always made sure he knew how wonderful he was.

Maybe that's why he loved you?

But why did he also love you during the attacks? That was definitely the shitty part of your relationship. There was absolutely nothing romantic about the attacks. It was awful and embarrassing. And yet, Joel always made sure he gave you as much comfort and love as possible after the attack.

So it was also this time.

You had such a good day. Somehow Joel managed to get some chocolate and you decided to make chocolate chip cookies. The whole apartment smelled wonderful, soft music played on the radio. Joel was sitting on the couch impatiently waiting for his sweets. And then it happened.

You just felt your whole body tense up. Anxiety gripped you. You started to be afraid, even though there was no reason to be afraid. A slight numbness in the hand was the final signal. You only managed to moan, "Jo..."

You couldn't remember the rest.

Joel jumped off the couch but didn't catch you in time. Your limp body hit the floor with a thud. You had convulsions that shook your body. Joel knelt behind your head, holding it gently. Just so you don't hit yourself too hard. He made sure you didn't choke on your tongue during the attack and spoke to you calmly, "It'll pass soon, baby. I'm here. I won't leave you. Everything will be fine." He knew you couldn't hear him. You once explained to him that you were simply not there during the attack. You felt no pain and heard nothing. Yet he always spoke to you. Maybe because it calmed him down.

After about two minutes, your seizure subsided and Joel couldn't be happier.

The first thing you saw was warm brown eyes. You blinked your eyes and looked around. You didn't remember anything and wanted to cry, but then you felt his warm hand on your cheek and heard his soothing voice.

"Y/N, it's me, Joel. Everything's fine now. You're home, you had a seizure."

He gave you a moment to process his words, then asked:

"Can I lift you up?"

You nodded and he carefully took you in his arms and carried you to the bed. He sat you down, making sure you had the right amount of pillows behind your back. He stroked your leg and whispered, "I'll bring you water. I'll be right back."

You slowly came back to yourself. When Joel came back to you, you smiled weakly at him. You were still dazed, but you also wanted to calm him down. No matter how many times Joel told you he was fine. You saw that every attack reflected on him as well.

"Thank you," you whispered as he brought the glass to your lips. "For all."

Joel shook his head and kissed your forehead.

"I always will care for you. You are my love"

You opened your mouth to say something but chose not to. There was no point in explaining to him again that he had no obligation to help you. Joel wouldn't agree with that anyway.

You sat in silence for a few more minutes before Joel said,

"You should take your meds."

You tensed up and grabbed his hand.

"I'll take them later. Sit with me."

Joel rolled his eyes and pecked your nose: "I'll be right back and lay down next to you."

And you already knew you were in trouble. When Joel came back, he had this look on his face that made it clear he wasn't happy. He crossed his arms over his chest and asked.

"Y/N, why are there still so many pills? Last time I checked there were about the same amount of pills." Seeing how sad he made you, he sat next to you and grabbed your hands. "Honey?" His tone of voice was soft again.

You bit your lip and groaned.

"I wanted to save them for later so you don't have to go so fast to get another."

Joel sighed heavily and shook his head.

"But why?"

You could see that he was angry with you, but he tried to hide it.

"Because after the last time, you came back covered in bruises. One day, because of me, you're going to die, Joel!"

Tears started streaming down your face and he pulled you against his strong chest. One of his large hands cupped the back of your head. He kissed your temple and started rocking you gently.

"Shh, it's okay. Calm down. Don't get upset honey. I know you're worried about me, but I'm more worried about you." You felt him squeeze your body tighter, his voice a barely audible whisper. "What if one of the attacks ends in your death? You know it can be. I can't take your loss. I can't go on living without you."

You sighed heavily and started rubbing his back.

"I'm sorry, Joel, but... Sometimes it's so hard for me to accept that you sacrifice so much for me."

Joel pulled back slightly and cupped your face in his large hands.

"Hey, what if I told you I have a plan." You gave him a surprised look. "I'm looking for a better place for us. A place where life is calmer. A place where there's no fucking FEDRA and no fucking Fireflies. A place where you'd have less stress, so fewer attacks." He smiled at you. "How does it sound?"

"Like a fairy tale," you replied.

Joel shifted on the bed so that you could lie down with your head resting on his chest. He started stroking your hair. You were slowly falling asleep. Before you closed your eyes you heard Joel say:

"I will make this fairy tale come true, princess."

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller and you #the last of us #tlou fanfiction #hurt/comfort

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torchickentacos · 10 months

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Fall Out Boy concert experience!

WOO ok wanted to type this out so, one, I don't forget it all bc concert amnesia hits me hard, but two, in case anyone just wants to hear about it!!! @alonetogethermp3 I know you'll wanna hear about it! LONG POST. I warned you all.

SO! This is a venue specific thing, but parking? BAD. They have the parking dudes whose job it is to point and yell. They were not pointing OR yelling and just kinda stood there. It was way worse getting out than in but I also got there early for openers. Also venue specific, but it wasn't that accessible. I knew that going into this, though- I had been there to see P!ATD before they sucked and also I graduated there, so I was aware of this issue. Luckily it isn't that bad with a cane, and I could struggle through the stairs and lines, but god forbid I had used my walker.

I wasn't too impressed by any of the merch designs but that's also entirely personal taste, and the good stuff might have just been sold out.

But we got in alright and found a shady space for lawn seats near the back in case I had a medical issue (chronic illness in direct sun, not something you wanna be stuck in the pit for). I will say- edibles? Great from what I've heard. Bring those. Don't be that person vaping and smoking whatever the fuck at a concert. Breathing is a thing people around you tend to enjoy. Don't be that guy.

The openers were CARR (heard about 2 songs, fun and fine, kind of giving Pom Pom Squad or Gracie Abrams gone rock and slight shoegaze and recording in someone's basement /positive), Royal & the Serpent (very good, almost definitely has Bikini Kill or Hole as their inspiration, played a competent nirvana cover that I wasn't at all mad at), and Bring Me The Horizon (way better than I was expecting except for the part where he asked if we were ready to be fucked in the ass with my mom sitting next to me). He also kept telling us to get up and jump. (My friend and I started a drinking game where I took a shot of liquid iv hydration multiplier every time an opener told me to jump, something I was entirely unable to do bc POTS lmfao). They did have actual drinks everywhere- it was more alcohol than anything else, actually. My friend did get something alcoholic but apparently it kinda sucked and I wasn't missing out. I will say, this WAS somewhere that you'd have to watch your drink, though. I didn't get catcalled or anything (this time) but I did feel the need to be on alert and I'd advise others to do the same at any concert, honestly, but especially one as packed as this one was.

I spent a lot of the opener time laying down in the grass because of the heat, but it did cool down nicely and most non-chronically ill people seemed to be fine with the heat. Also, I think it was Pete Wentz around the opening who told the crowd that if they saw anyone struggling with the heat or crowds or anything at all to let security know, and I loved that they seemed to be very conscientious of crowd safety (but it didn't get that wild honestly, pretty chill crowd but not to the point of being a dead crowd. Good in-between).

By the time FOB took the stage, it was sunset- really pretty, no pictures of that though bc phone storage and I was too busy talking to my friend.

The stage was really good- I ADORED that it was seemingly modeled after the album cover of From Under The Cork Tree. Here, have the world's blurriest picture of it below. The circle would show an 8-ball every so often, and it had a spinning globe for Hold Me Like A Grudge ("the world is always spinning and I can't keep up" lyric reference I imagine)! It had a ton of fun details like that that seemed to correlate to the songs. I also noticed a lot of clock motifs and ticking time, which... if I had a nickel each time a major 2023 concert tour had a clock motif (eras tour too, which I am not going to because I don't feel like fist-fighting a shady facebook marketplace reseller for a ticket), 2 nickels, etc. Also kinda funny bc they released a song together recently but I'm getting way off topic.

The sound quality was AMAZING, and while my pictures all suck, I could see a decent amount even when laying down and tired (though I had to peer through the sea of asses and vape/weed smoke). They had a few big screens that seemed pretty well-focused on Patrick and Pete (but also Joe sometimes). They weren't the most talkative but when they did, it felt so genuine and endearing- a bit awkward, but it really did feel like they wanted us to feel like they were talking to US and not just to a crowd. Patrick and Pete were so nice and just... real-feeling. I couldn't catch a lot of what they said, though- a bit mumbly. Pete was wearing a rose themed mesh shirt and a skirt, I'm pretty sure, which I loved. FOB, MCR, I love whatever the fuck popular former emo bands are doing with gender nonconformity these days. Keep that up.

Now. The songs. Bit of personal lore here, but I went with a friend I've known since like 2012/13, and we had been to this venue together around 2015?? for a show. Because of that, I was SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL when they played Bang the Doldrums. I know that thematically the entire thing doesn't quite fit, nor would I quite want it to, but I found a certain irony and amusement in singing some of the lyrics with my friend next to me.

AND OH MY G O S H. THE ACOUSTIC 'NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER'. I was fucking blessed. My favorite album/EP of theirs is probably My Heart Will Always Be the B-Side to my Tongue, which is an acoustic EP, and so they played that song in the version I adored most. Though, I can't in good faith choose a single favorite album/EP.

AND WINONA!!!!!!!!! WE GOT SHE'S MY WINONA. I could NOT have asked for a better setlist. I also love that they played a good amount from Take This To Your Grave (AND ENDED ON SATURDAY!!!). Hot take? Could have done with a bit more MANIA but I get why they didn't, but The Last of the Real Ones was a GOOD CHOICE (another one I had Big Emotions about). The only songs I would have loved that I didn't get were The (Shipped) Gold Standard and GINASFS, but I would have cried my damn makeup off so it's probably for the best that I didn't get to sing 'I wanna scream 'I love you' at the top of my lungs but I'm afraid that someone else will hear me' or 'trade baby blues for wide-eyed browns' or literally any other line of GINASFS. But if I get into that then y'all are gonna learn more about my emotional state than I care for lmfao. My blog is...not-irrelevant enough that I don't want to get too specific in case someone I know finds it, because while I don't know if my friends use tumblr, they're certainly the type (queer and neurodivergent lol, birds of a feather and all).

And THAT'S what makes the concert and FOB as a band special to me, though- it was a good show but it was a personal experience. I cannot separate the show from the emotions I went through for the company I was with that FOB's lyrics evoked. And if we were to crash and burn, then that also means that the memory of this concert will be forever stained by the things I felt now due to their inextricable nature. But that's the risk you take when you enjoy something because of someone's presence and associated emotions, and it's a risk I'll continue to take because there's no use living life held-back and scared of eventual regret. Enjoy the moment and everything you feel then and there.

It wasn't just a show that would be a replicable experience. Their lyrics and performance invoked those emotions in a really special way, and I was just FEELING the entire concert. Maybe I'm over-emotional or too sentimental or can't move on from an embarrassingly long and futile crush BUT I would not trade that for anything. It was an EXPERIENCE, not just good music, though it was that, too. And I think they delivered that in a very FOB-unique way that other bands might not have been able to.

It was just a very open vibe when they took the stage. They sang with earnest and genuine feeling and LOVE, and I think that spreads to the audience. Every show has a specific vibe. Live music feeds off of audience and band alike, and the energy was just vulnerable and wonderful at this concert, and you can tell they wanted to foster that experience.

Ultimately, emotional vulnerability is what FOB is built off of. Like their music or not, from even their first few albums, they had that deeper emotional touch to them. You could hear the spite, the yearning, the apathy or the jealousy in each line recorded. Their lyrics are founded on emotion as opposed to storytelling or even clarity (some songs, I have no idea what specifically they're on about but it makes me feel things anyways). And that rang true tonight as well, on stage and in the audience.

#l o n g p o s t . look me in the eyes. and read this.#took after fob's song titles for this post. thematically appropriate.#taylor's tag #fall out boy #smfs #so much for (tour) dust

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rhizomehaunt · 7 months

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personal

it is so fucking hard to reckon with my own internalized ableism and also grief that i cannot physically do things like be on the ground anymore. in 2020 I was sick but didn't realize the extent of it and was out weekly and organizing with friends and able to participate in direct action multiple times a week and still able to recover and handle my responsibilities, and my body just cannot do that anymore. i walk 20 minutes and have to lay down for the rest of the day and then am out of it physically/mentally for the next few days, not just in a "i'm tired" but "i cannot actually do anything nor manage tasks like making dinner, finishing work, comprehending anything I'm reading, etc". i've been taking advil multiple times a week and sometimes daily in really bad stretches for like a decade just to manage pain (i know it is bad for me and i know it's probably causing problems and also it is that or being bedridden from pain 50-75% of the time). most days i can't read because i just cognitively can't comprehend anything. i am never not in pain or fatigued and even the slightest thing causes PEM. sometimes I can't sleep bc my heart rate is so fast just even laying down bc I had like, a carbohydrate. even as i'm writing this my jaw and neck and shoulders are aching and i have a horrific headache i've been ignoring but they're only at a 5/10 pain level instead of like 8-10/10 so i'm used to it and still trying to finish work bc it's so hard for me to manage my day job I have to work through the weekends to catch up. i genuinely barely leave my home because i just cannot manage anything even with my cane. and i know these things and still i think i should just be able to push past them/push through them, and i cannot and every time i do, i get sicker and stay sicker longer. and i know this logically but emotionally it just feels like an excuse, like half of the time i have to remind myself i am chronically ill and disabled bc my own internalized ableism is like, bitch you are probably fine and just lying to yourself, when like, my heart rate jumps to 150 sometimes just throwing a spring toy for my cat and most of my day is spent sitting or lying down because being upright is too hard. sometimes 15 minutes of a gentle stretching is enough to make me so dizzy I gotta lay down for a few hours. sometimes I have to have my partner sit in the bathroom while I shower to make sure I don't fall over or pass out. I start to black out sometimes just sitting up. it's so hard to reckon with what I can do now because I'm so limited physically and so hard because half the time i am afraid i am just making it up and i should/could just push through. i miss my body and life before being sick i miss what i could do i miss who i was.

#personal shit #internalized ableism #sick day

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itsgivingautism · 4 months

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01/18/24 — Zia rants about being autistic & physically disabled & chronically ill in a fucked ableist society & having to be dependent on their partner

Started to have meltdown over this & other stuff to my partner before he left for work…. I didn’t meant to have a morning meltdown. I found myself shutting down and feeling guilty before he left bc I can recognize it’s hard on him even when he doesn’t wanna show it. But needed a place to rant and ended up going off down below for a like an hour. I don’t want to open up but I made tumblr after not being on here since high school for an outlet for a lot of reasons, with support & encouragement from therapists to do so. But I also hate being perceived. I’m just so fucking annoying tho I somehow always bring attention to myself that I never want….. but I’m also learning to tell my story & share my experiences. As an autistic person late diagnosed who was severely abused throughout my entire childhood opening up, learning to unmask & not shutdown, understanding my own thoughts, feelings, & experiences is so fucking hard.

I am so grateful for my partner but god I wish I was independent. I wish I had the ability to take care of myself. I wish I wasn’t so fucking dependent on his love and support. I wish I wasn’t so needy, or clingy. I wish I wasn’t disabled physically and mentally. I wish I wasn’t so wounded & traumatized. I wish I wasn’t so chronically ill. I wish I wasn’t in autistic burnout, a state of prolonged cognitive decline that one average can last 2-10 years.

I wish I could get a job. Even working from home but my mind can’t even. I’m constantly age regressing and going across different timelines of my mind and getting trapped, constantly disconnecting from this current physical reality even when I seem like a part of it to others - but it’s just automatic masking as a trauma response. All a result of my CPTSD+autism+adhd

I haven’t been able to work a real job since 2020. I’ve been fighting to get the support & benefits I need but constantly being shit on. Having to go thru constant channels to prove how severe my issues are and then being told try this treatment first and when it doesn’t work its still somehow my fault. I’m sick of having to prove my disabilities & illnesses and then when I show how bad they are I’m being dramatic. But when I mask & show strength, I must be making it up. How could you be so strong about then? There’s no winning. Only losing. I don’t see a point in showing weakness or asking for help. But then refusing to and bottling it all up, that has lead me to deeply problematic bad spirals. I just want to be taken seriously by doctors & medical professionals. I hate this country.

I wish I was normal. I hate burdening my partner. Although I know he doesn’t want me to feel like one and he genuinely wants to help me, I also know I stress him out….

I am dependent on him financially while his job is fucking over their contracts, refusing to give him & his coworkers the raises they were supposed to get a year ago. Him and his coworkers have collectively trying to unionize for months (which is the only reason they actually didn’t get a pay cut which the company was tryna do even tho they were supposed to give raises last year) and ofc my partner has been the one leading the unionizing. (We joke about my radicalism really rubbing off on him)

I’m constantly trying to find ways to make money, which end up doing more damage to my body. He hate what it does to me. He wishes he could do more while stuck in his work contract. it’s a lot on him. And I feel like his life would be so much less stressful without me tho….. or at least if I could just be normal & healthy….

Even my friends point out that unless I’m talking about my emotions & trauma I don’t make any sense talking…. like burnout really shows…. It’s embarrassing constantly. I sound like a so clearly disabled most of the time. I used to exceptionally smart & articulate before this burnout. Ik they mean it accepting my but it’s hard when 90% of what I say comes out wrong. It’s hard when I’m trying to be supportive and it sounds like asshole shit bc my issues with speech & cognition. I want to be a lovely validating friend. Not the one they have to dissect my word vomit to find the love & support in foolish clumsily words. I’m technically hyperlexic so I can keep creating words but my other learning disabilities downgrade the quality & meaning of those words.

But I also only make sense when talking about my looping emotions & trauma is bc I only share what I can (the deeper stuff is vaulted by selective mutism & shutdowns). This is the shit going thru my brain, talking to myself about and looping constantly. Ofc it’s the only thing I can talk about. But even most the time I’m still not making sense entirely. But it’s all I can think about, talk to myself about, and it’s all the my brain is giving me permission to share about myself.

#disability rant #autistic rant #actually autistic #actually disabled #actually chronically ill #autistic adult #autistic blogger #disabled blogger #autistic experiences #disabled #chronically ill #actually cptsd #Zias diary 🌿#Zia 🌿#chronic illness

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notjanine · 7 months

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i'm comfortably into my two part time jobs and still training for my third job (which'll eventually be part time up to full time).

this third job is like... i referred to it before as my ~dream job~, but that's only half true.

i'll be getting to do thing i've always wanted to do, but under a broader umbrella that includes things i never thought i'd get into. for years, ppl have been telling me that i should try it bc i'd be good at it, but i just assumed i wouldn't be. but now that i'm like 1/3 of the way through my (intense, partly self-assigned, mostly self-directed) training... i might actually be REALLY good at this. it's much more medically complicated and interesting than i thought, plus would actually allow me to use the deep foundational knowledge of food that i built from the same passion that brought me to this field in the first place.

but boss told me i have to declare sub-specialty areas of expertise, so they know what kinds of cases to give me. i'm like. i just started my career. and my other two jobs are in a totally different and basically irrelevant area. i started building my bio for the website and i was freaking out bc the only areas i could think of were like. conditions/identities i have or my loved ones have. that's fake bullshit! experience does not equal expertise!

but then i remembered that my own perspective has driven my experience in preparing for this field. throughout my higher level academic practice, internship experience, and even formal recreational learning, i have consistently chosen to do work that revolves around these facets of my life. i once joked with my best friend that the running throughline of my gradschool experience was i love autistic people and fat people and trans people actually. i chose to focus on those things and developed expertise out of that love! and i also had to remind myself that sometimes it's not all about expertise. it's also about familiarity and comfort. when you have to be vulnerable with someone, having to educate them about the basics of your lived experience is an extra burden. if you don't have to worry about that, you can put more energy into working on the things that matter to you.

i do not love my chronic illness, however, but suffering can be a good motivator, so i have learned so much about it just so i can try to live with it. i have a pubmed alert set up to send me every new study about it for fucks sake. it's a weird little illness and most of the good data on it is very very fresh (<5 years), so it's hard to find a healthcare practitioner who knows how to treat it well. for example, my old doc put me on a treatment regimen that i now know--with MY expertise--may have caused permanent damage to my body! the benefits did not outweigh the risks! but it's standard therapy. it shouldn't be! and now i can be loud about that, with evidence that i can present to the people who make those decisions!

anyway, it's cool to know that everything i've been through is now benefiting me as a professional. and to know that my loved ones have not only supported me through all this, but also made me better so that i can help them and more people like them. plus, my job will put me in a position to argue work with doctors! which i was dreading, but now i'm kind of looking forward to!

i'm getting to a point where i've barely started my career but i can start to see how it'll go, pivoting in a different direction than i initially planned, but maybe one that'll be better! i worry that i will become a workaholic like my mom, but maybe again my illness will be a benefit, because maybe my body won't LET me do that. i'm excited to see what will happen! but for now, lemme get back to my studying.

#this ended up being more than i intended but oh well i'm excited #less exciting? yesterday i found out i will be the only (one (1)) (only) black practitioner in this specialty in the region #the only black person. doing this job. in the entire region. it's a big region. with A LOT of people in it #this city alone is one of the biggest in the country.#apparently the next closest black practitioner is more than a hundred miles away. and doesn't take insurance.#i'm not sure how to feel about this yet #but now that i've gotten this far i know exactly how fucked up the system is so. maybe i can work on that problem too.

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horce-divorce · 3 months

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Something very intriguing about the intersection of individualism and personal responsibility vs learned helplessness vs the complete and utter lack of care for anyone else in this culture.... Like I have literally seen someone walking around coughing like gollum decrying how RSV is going around and "someone should DO something!!!" and then never wearing a fucking mask. Like??? IF ONLY WE COULD TAKE MATTERS INTO OUR OWN HANDS! the cdc said i didnt have to, though, so im not gonna. But somebody else definitely should, for sure. 🙄

it's entitlement, IMHO, that much seems clear, but like... how lmao. Where does it come from? The "I have to worry about mine so you worry about yours" thing? Like, I'm only personally responsible for myself bc of individualism, so that's true of everyone else, too? Is it the learned helplessness of western capitalism and Christian fundamentalism that has everyone convinced we have to wait for our savior to come, because this world is doomed and fucked and worthless and we can't change anything at all on our own?

Idk if this is making sense, I'm sure someone much smarter than me has already anlaysed this and laid it out much better, like there's probably some well-known essay on this somewhere that I just haven't read yet.

But idk I see this combination often, of "I'm an individual so I don't have to care about anyone else, that's THEIR job," and "help! daddy come save me I can't do anything, I'm not allowed :(" like. Entitlement to do whatever you want but also entitlement to someone else cleaning it up? What???

This may be a weird example to pair with covid safety, but I see this kind of a lot in national parks and on beaches and stuff too. People feel entitled to not follow rules, not educate themselves about where they're fucking about, not to stop and think ONCE that their presence may have an impact on others somehow. they'll like. climb on some ice shelves or get sucked into a rip current or wander off the trail somewhere or feed a bear or something and then be SHOCKED that no one can help them/clean up after their mistakes/fix the situation immediately. Its honestly like they expect customer service? Do they think customer service comes from nature lmao??? like buddy we are in a remote, wild area with very few resources, yes, if you get in trouble it's GONNA take the coast guard a while to get down there, IF they can even find you by then. Where's your sense of personal responsibility and rugged individualism now? It didn't lead you to want to learn, idk, ANYTHING about the place you're visiting/living in????

Idk maybe I'm not connecting these 2 thoughts that well but idk it's like people walk around in literally their own fucking world. Or they act like caring only goes one way, like I get to be an Individualist™️ and only worry about me, but also, everyone else has to worry about themselves AND care about me, also, as well.

Again, it's the entitlement! They're connected, idk, I'm just having a hard time saying it well I think.

Anyway I'm just pissed because I know so many people who claim to be progressive and to give a fuck about disabled and marginalized voices and who claim to be critical of the government, but the SECOND they get the ok to do something HARMFUL, they will JUMP at the chance as long as it's convenient. They won't even stop to think twice about why they're doing it, or the impact their actions could have.

I guess covid is a bit different bc right now the OFFICIAL RULES are to not give a fuck and do whatever you want, I guess. Idk just wild how either the rules are fine, and we should totally follow them! Or otherwise they're stupid rules, and we don't have to follow them! Depends on my mood! Personal responsibility and individualism means I get to decide what's fine for everyone!

I dunno I have Swiss cheese for a brain, because I had a fucking post viral chronic illness for a decade before covid even hit, but somebody back me up here. there's gotta be actual literature about this somewhere.

It's like the idea of individualism and "personal responsibility" abdicates anyone of consequence. Ppl really act like that. Never questioning anything they ever do because mind your own business. But also, everything is terrible, somebody should DO something! Not me, but somebody. But also, everyone should be an individual and only worry about themselves????? Make it make sense

#me #long post

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stuck-in-the-ghost-zone · 8 months

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MAC!!! GOOD EVENING!!!!!! im thinking soo hard abt interesting fairytale things rn but also. i would LOVE to hear abt ur danny phantom thing?(images aren't loading for me but i think? graphic novel? normal novel?? 👀) ??????!!!! i'm peripherally interested in dp on the basis that my beloved mutual (u) is into it & im!!!! curious!!!! whys it so good!!!! tell me!! free infodump card for u 👀👀👀

THIS ASK IS A MISTAKE. BEWARE. FUCK. DUDE I COULD TALK ABOUT DANNY PHANTOM FOR SO LONG IM NOT EVEN KIDDING IVE GOT . NEARLY 20 YEARS WORTH OF LOVE FOR THIS SHOW. I AM 23 YESRS OLD. THATS HOW SERIOUS I AM . IM.*THE* DANNY PHANTOM GUY THERES A REASON ALL OF MY USERNAMES ARE DP REFERENCES. ohhhh my god. where do i even fucking start. i guess ill start with agit but im still so overwhelmed with love that i have not fully processed yet so prepare for this to be a total fucking mess of words

so. the show ended in.. 2007. and. god the last episode sucks so fucking bad. bad enough that the fandom as a whole collectively agrees it does not exist it never happened . phantom planet isnt real phantom planet cant hurt you if you dont look at it or think about it ever. i could go on a whole. rant about how much phantom planet sucks but instead ill just say butch hartman (<< creator of the show) is a fucking. annoying awful person and he was greedy + wanted more money from nickelodeon than they were willing to give him so they gave him a hard limit on episodes before the shoe would be canceled. so. season 3 goes downhill SO fast and ends with the fucking disaster that is phantom planet . and !!! you know how disappointing it is to have your facorite show have a garbage ending!! it sucks!! so then there was like. a HUGE HUGE long silence where there was. 0 canon content bc hartman considered it a flop and kind of just. abandoned it until he wanted clout (there were a few gameboy games that came out after the show ended + some nickelodeon games that included danny as a character + butch made a youtube channel where he would spout absolute death of the author garbage about the show every time he wanted attention but it was mostly dead silence) UNTIL. AGIT. A GLITCH IN TIME IS THE FIRST CANON SHOW COMPLIANT CONTENT THAT HAS BEEN RELEASED SINCE 200 GODDAMN 7. FUCK . and not only is it canon compliant it is ALSO A CONTINUATION OF MY FAVORITE EPISODE IN THE WHOLE SERIES.

so. my favorite episode. is ultimate enemy. it was one of the 4 movie-length episodes and the basic premise is. danny uses his ghodt powers to cheat on a huge standardized test and this sets off a butterfly effect reaction that leads to a timeline where his family + friends get killed in an explosion and he loses his mind and turns into the worlds most powerful villain <3 you can see why i like it so much im sure (<< guy who has a documented chronic weakness for stories where a good guy turns bad etc)

SO AT THE END OF THE EPISODE. Dan (the evil future danny) is trapped and locked away forever . but at the end of the ep theres a scene that hints to a possible future episode where he escapes !!!! so there was always a teased sequel but this sequel was never created due to aforementioned. budget issues and cancellation. etc. buggest disappointment of my life. UNTIL AGIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!

it was released. july of this year . and i am just reading it now bc its been burning a hole in my bedside table bc it never felt like the right time to read it until this morning for some reason. and fuck its so good its literally everything i wanted.

i dont know how involved butch hartman was in the creation of it but the author (gabriela epstein) is obviously someone who cares deeply about the show and the characters and im so fucking happy about it she did an incredible job. i literally had to pause a handful of times in the first few pages just because the characters and dialogue were written so well and it was like SUCH a breath of fresh air (the fandom is. so bad. its so bad. because its been around for so long people have such insane warped takes on a lot of the characters and its become completely unbearable to me ive had to block the tag and its so painful. this is literally the only reason i am not reblogging dp content constantly. i have to filter it through artists i know can handle the characters properly. if i was not nerfed by the awful fandom it would be 24/7/365 dp lockdown and id be so unbearable) OH ALSO not only is agit a continuation of my alltime favorite episode, it also retcons the garbage pile that is phantom planet in a way that acknowledges that it was a real thing that happened but going back on it in a way that feels so so so so natural for the show. so it wasnt a throwaway "no that was bad lets forget about it" it was a well crafted well thought out "this was real and it sucked and the characters remember it BUT we can play with timeline so things will continue as normal" and . holy shit it was so fucking good. i will begrudgingly acknowledge phantom planets existence if only for agit.

uhhhhhhhh fuck this is so long and i am running our of directed steam so if i keep talking i will just start rambling about the intricacies and holy shit dude i could literally talk about danny phantom for hours and hours and hours and hours if theres anything else u want to know i am the guy . i am the guy forever

#ohhhh my god my hands are literally tired now i typed this out so fast #not putting this under a readmore. everyone deserves to know how annoying i can and will be about danny phantom #this show is like. a HUGE HUGE part of my identity. danny is how i realized i was trans.#im the worlds biggest phantom kinnie im dead serious. i love him so much i love the world and the characters so much.#i have notes ans notes and notes in my phone of carefully curated headcanons that ive had since i was like 12 years old.#i was making stuff for dp before i even knew what the word fandom was.#dp saw me through my abusive friendship and the resulting worst breakup of my life that i am still actively in therapy about.#it means so much to me its MY show. i will allow myself to be pretentious about ONE thing anf that thing is danny phantom #aaaauagahghghhgggghh #basically agit was something i needed so desperately in my life and its so full of love and good characterization #i am like a man who has been starving in the desert for 16 years and agit was a beautiful oasis #asks #intertexts #hi ros <3 sorry i have dp disease every yime someone sends me an ask about it my answer is always 20 years long #friends!!!

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mkaugust · 2 years

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re ur post about james helping remus financially like yes exactly. i typically tend to hc remus as being sort of stubborn about it at first bc it’s difficult for him to accept any kind of care or help before he gets used to it but how could he look at james (and sirius) who love and adore him and would go to the ends of the earth for him and not see them wanting to make sure he’s cared for as an expression of their love? and that’s why james IS remus’s sugar daddy in the best anti-capitalist way

Hi anon! Yes, so glad you understand. When you're rich (esp via that sweet generational wealth) like James and Sirius, your best course of action is to equitably work to distribute your wealth by acting as your friend's sugar daddy! Sometimes it's sexy and sometimes it's just the right thing to do in this capitalist hellscape! And Remus is certainly not going to stop his (boy)friend(s) from doing the right thing.

ALSO. Disabled people deserve high quality lives. Disabled people deserve nice things without jeopardizing their health and wellbeing. Remus, as a disabled, chronically ill individual, deserves to not have to worry about money for food or rent AND deserves the ability to buy the things he wants without fear that those purchases will take from a budget that is already too small to cover basic needs. Remus deserves to not have to seek a new job every other month because workplaces cannot properly accommodate his needs. He deserves to choose whether or not he works AT ALL based on his personal decisions and health needs without the choice being forced due to the need for things like healthcare, or housing, or being forced in the opposite direction of never working at all or risk losing benefits that, again, don't cover his basic needs.

Remus, being the queer anticapitalist beauty that he is, would absolutely utilize of the generational wealth of his (boy)friend(s) because it is simply the right thing to do. It's not a remotely hard choice for him. Any hesitation is the product of internalized ableism and forced capitalist socialization.

#chat #asks #anti capitalism #remus lupin #yes i will take any and every opportunity to discuss anticapitalism and disabled rights #thank you so much for giving me an excuse to speak further about this anon

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gaypleasantview · 1 year

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life rant below:

everything feels so messy, i haven't been able to go to the doctor because of my social anxiety but i think something may be deeply wrong with my body bc i have symptoms of what could be a bad chronic illness?? i hope i can make an appointment this week bc im putting it off and its just devastating me. ive realized the only moments i can be brave despite my horrible anxiety are when i think of my life as something bizarre. like, my life is a joke, kinda. it makes no sense. i had no plans for adulthood but never in my life have i ever planned to seek refuge in a different country, that's for sure. and we're so lonely here, we have no one to hang with in our city, im not a big person for meeting irl but there was always someone, i had friends in uni, even in school, i had flatmates back home, now i only see friends once every few months and most of them i havent seen for so long at all. its been a year like this and i had no idea it would be so damaging to me and my perception of reality, i feel like im in a constant state of dissociation kinda because how could you accept this new reality? i still think somewhere in me that this is all a dream i'll wake up from one day and yeah, i may be gravely afraid of talking to the post office lady or whatever, but how hard can it be when perhaps the worst thing that could happen in anyone's life's basically already happened? i just hope the doctor won't gaslight me again, last time he told me my headaches are due to the post-war stress but my man the day before it happened i sat at my shitty job (want it to go bankrupt lol fucking bigots) and i felt soo fucking bad? i hope i at least get prescribed glasses or whatever. i dont know. and its funny because life is way better now than it was before anyway bc im less fucking poor but it still sucks ass im so tired and i need a therapist which also idk where to find them so as im searching for the possibilities im just venting here for some relief. yeah thats somewhat new. i miss home

#vent #tw health problems #tw dissociation #i think #non sims

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vizthedatum · 1 year

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Decisions to protect myself

More and more, I am giving myself permission (it was always within my power) to protect myself.

I couldn't when I was growing up with my mom - not even to the police who showed up when she physically abused me so badly when I was six - I didn't want them to take me away - I lied - I kept lying my whole life - I knew she loved me but I also knew what she was doing was wrong - and I thought I was wrong and that I deserved it. I thought I deserved it all. I deeply thought I was stupid and if I tried harder, I wouldn't be such a stupid child. Nothing I did in my life made them think I wasn't ruining my life. They'd mock me telling me how I wouldn't get into community college... and I fucking made it into an Ivy League (I made it broken and shattered but regardless). And now, now that I'm out as trans and completely redefining my life... they think I've lost it.

That's it, right?

The moment I show who I am... when it goes against what you wanted me to be, that's when you think I've lost it.

After all the excuses and the effort I put into ALL of you - the moment that I need support... real support, you leave.

I was completely discarded by my spouse and their entire family - FAMILY who I considered my own. They did nothing to help me. My MIL, who I loved, .... she didn't get it. I had to cut off ties with her because she didn't understand why I was calling it domestic violence. I knew she would side with her child so I let her go.

What did it look like from the outside??

It's so easy to look at me like I'm crazy, I guess. I'm unreliable when I'm being gaslit and controlled. When I'm pleading with myself that they're not really doing anything wrong. When I only showcase the good and not the bad. See me crying - trying to reason with my abuser who I loved - listen to them explain how crazy and unreasonable I am....

I went to therapy for years. I maintained my friendships. I have documented how physically ill I was - in my medical chart. I was having severe flares. I was having symptoms I couldn't explain. I'd go nonverbal. Sometimes my body would just give up.

I fought for our relationship to the best of my ability until I realized I was in serious danger.

They did not fight for us - they just thought they were right.

They had a six-figure job, kept me trapped within our home due to fear of covid, berated me, denied how serious the emotional abuse was, didn't work on repairing our relationship, did NOT seek therapy or any external help, refused to come up with solutions with me, imposed ultimatums, convinced their ex (babe, you're not a great mental health advocate if you're going around telling people I'm having a psychotic breakdown - bc even if I were, that's ableist! You literally could have done the noble thing and refused to interact with me - but you didn't - you cruelly defended your ex because you sided with them) that I'm making shit up, tried to get me to block my lovers (and they knew about each and every one of them - I did not keep shit from them) despite not blocking their exes, convinced me systematically to let go of friendships and isolate myself, undermined my sense of worth, REFUSED TO GET HELP FOR OUR MOUSE INFESTATION THAT WAS WORSE THAN OUR RISK FOR COVID OMFG WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, tried to take my meds away, judged me for being so ill I couldn't do things, threw tantrums when I needed my own space, probably called me abusive when I left food in the sink which I tried so hard not to do (it only happened bc I needed to stage how I did dishes (Oh yeah, I did dishes most of the time because they couldn't - did y'all know that? Did y'all know how much household coordination I did while being chronically ill and in pain? They hated asking for help so I had to either beg them to help me when I was physically weak, pay for people to help, plead/beg for them to allow people to help us, or do it myself) because of my fatigue and illness you ableist dumb motherfucker... and more. And the last time we had sex, it was rape. It undoubtedly was. You had such little empathy for me that you can't even tell. You made my life miserable because I went to MN and left you alone because I had to go help my brother - something you knew I would do in a heartbeat. You denied how badly you were hurting so you hurt me instead. You hurt your best friend and spouse who LOVED YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. Look at me now - does it look like I'm having a breakdown? Is my rage all a joke to you? You think I'm insane because you don't think I'm allowed to have my valid feelings? Does it make you happy to know that you destroyed your relationship with your autistic, trans, brown, traumatized spouse who loved you so much? Do you acknowledge that I'm finally able to live my life? I can move more - look at how different I look - my inflammation is down - and I do not care if I am putting myself at covid-risk (I'm vaccinated and more knowledgeable about my risk because I'm a fucking epidemiologist who knows that my social needs are just as important than preventing infection). Do I need to spell it out for you? I tried so hard to diagnose what was going wrong with my life... it was you (and my mom and all my trauma), but acutely, it was you.

And if you had worked on yourself and us - I would have stayed with you forever.

I really hope the divorce gets finalized this year.

Next time, I'm having a prenup, a huge wedding, couple's therapy wayyyy before we get married, an insistence on inner work for the both of us (this is a requirement for all relationships from here on out), and more.

I deserve the fucking world, and I hate that you all almost had me believing that I did not.

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