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skiller0dani · 5 years

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Darling, | Loki Laufeyson

Summary: Rosalie Stark has faced sadness, pain, and heartache her entire life- until she meets the God of Mischief. Loving him is wild, pure, and free. Then Thanos comes and turns her happy little world upsidown.

Pairing: Loki x Rose (OC)

Word Count: 10.1k (I know it’s a frikkin NOVEL I’M SORRY I GOT CARRIED AWAY)

Warnings: Death, Sadness, Language (Possibly), MCU Spoilers, Iron Man Spoilers, Thor: A Dark World Spoilers, Thor: Ragnarok Spoilers, Infinity War Spoilers, Endgame Spoilers, Light Gentle Smut,

A/N: Wow hi so I absolutely adore Loki. I want to add a little love to this precious babies life. Uh enjoy! The Smut is located roughly 4,500 words into the story? Sorry it’s pretty far in there but I’m very proud of this work so I think it’s worth it! Once you see the picture of the necklace the Smut is very close after that if you wanted to just go read it then you do you lolol. Also I don’t really write Smut a whole lot. So let me know if its good please. Thnx bbs I’m skipping a lot of movie related plot so I can just get to my plot. We’ve all already seen the movies so. Yknow. Sorry I skip a lot towards the end, by the end of it I had been writing for 10 hours and wanted to be done haHAHAHAHAHA. I’ll edit it later.

Let me know if you want me to write more Smut and also if you want more Loki x Rose adventures!!

Masterlist

Rose was 10 when her parents died. Tony was home from studying abroad, watching TV with her, they had just celebrated his 21st birthday. He always let her do whatever she wanted to, gave her candy for dinner, let her watch rated R movies. “She’s gonna go in the basement.” Rose said, throwing some popcorn as her and Tony watched some crappy old horror movie. Tony laughs reaching for the bowl, “well yeah. Of course she is.” He commented watching as the dumb blonde in the movie makes her way down the stairs to the basement. “Don’t they ever learn? It would be much easier to draw him out from the middle floor, that way they aren’t trapped.” Rose sighs, giggling as the Slasher inevitably crams a butcher knife through the poor girls chest. “Not a bad idea tot.” Tony smiles, ruffling her hair watching with a smile as she complained and fixed her hair again. “You think Daddy would watch this movie with me? I wanna show him...” Rose trailed off and Tony’s heart ached. Howard wasn’t the most loving Father but Tony knew he loved Rose. “You’ll have to ask him when he gets back. I think he would.” Tony smiled, turning back to the movie.

3 loud bangs on the door made Rose jump. She paused the movie as Tony stood- telling her to wait on the couch. “Don’t make a sound tot okay?” Tony added as he reached for the door handle. Rose nodded, not being able to see who was on the other side once the door was opened- it blocked her view. Tony’s face fell- and Rose saw an envelope in his hands. Tony closed the door, leaning back against it as he looked at Rose. She stood up instantly, “what’s that?” She asked- pointing to the envelope. Tony couldn’t speak, or move as she took it from his hands. He wanted to take it from her but he was frozen- Mom...Dad...dead? Rose ripped open the envelope, I’m sorry to inform you that a few nights ago Howard and Maria Stark were killed in a car accident..., wait...what? “Tony? What is this?” Rose asked, tears filling in her eyes. “Tony, is this a condolence letter?” Rose cried, becoming hysterical. Tony remained frozen as Rose dropped the letter and opened the front door.

Rose collapsed in the driveway- they were supposed to be home tomorrow. This isn’t happening, this isn’t real. Rose felt something building in her chest, getting bigger and heavier by the second. Her hands clamped over her ears as tears fell down her cheeks, she squeezed her eyes shut- that feeling in her chest bursting open in a scream. She screamed until her throat was raw, and then the world went black. It wasn’t for a few hours until Rose awoke, and when she did she was in her bed. Rose sat up, looking around- “Tony? Tony!” She called and he was in her room in a second. He sat on the edge of her bed, his eyes red and raw. “They’re...they’re really dead?” Rose asked, her eyes wide and watery. Tony nodded, and pulled Rose into his chest. Rose cried, and held onto Tony with all her strength- he’s all she has left. She can’t lose him- she doesn’t have anyone else. “Yeah tot, and I promise I’ll never leave you. I love you kiddo.” Tony whispered, kissing her head.

***

Rose was 27 when Tony went missing. It was a business trip, a missiles presentation. He should be home by now, but he wasn’t. Tears were in her eyes as she sat on the couch at her and Tony’s house- watching the news report his disappearance. They’re saying he was kidnapped by terrorists- Rose felt her chest squeeze and her heart ache. This isn’t happening- first Mom and Dad, and now Tony? God please not Tony. God please save him- bring him back to me. Rose prayed, on her knees with her head in her hands. “Ms. Stark?” Pepper cleared her throat, tears in her eyes. Rose looked up at her and Pepper was wrapping her arms around Rose- holding her as they cried. If he’s dead, then Rose is dead too. She can’t do this without him- she can’t live without him. That feeling in her chest never came, and it might sound crazy but she knew he wasn’t dead- it’s like she could feel it. “We just have to have faith okay? He’s alive, he’s out there, they’re looking for him. They’ll find him.” Pepper said, wiping away Rose’s tears.

The helicopter flew low over the desert, if Rose wasn’t rich and now the possible Heir to the Stark fortune and business they wouldn’t have let her come. Her eyes scanned the desert, looking for something- anything that could tell them where he is. Coming over a sand dune Rose sees a small figure, and when he yells she knows. “Tony! Oh my God it’s Tony! Take us down now!” She yells, already unbuckling her harness and she’s jumping to the ground before the helicopter has even fully touched down. She’s sprinting to him, seeing cuts, scars and bruises all over him but he’s smiling. She felt tear down her cheeks as she dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around him. Tony smiled, “hey tot.” He rasped, and she laughed- tears streaming. “God Tony you’re alive.” Rose whispered, placing her hands on his cheeks and looking in his eyes. “I promised I wouldn’t leave you.” Tony said, and Rose let out a deep breath. “Next time can you just FaceTime them?” Rose asked and Tony chuckled.

“What happened?” Rose asked on the plane, eyeing the blue circular piece of technology sticking out of my chest. Tony took her hand, “explosion left pieces of debris in my heart, and this stops them from getting to my heart.” Tony explains and Rose can tell he doesn’t want to talk about what he went through. “Remember when Mom used to play the piano?” Rose asked and Tony smiled, he looked over at Rose. “She used to play that same song constantly- drove Dad crazy.” Tony added and Rose giggled, remember her Father’s annoyed expression when he would hear the first few notes of that song start. “You’re a lot like Dad sometimes, you internalize things too much. You keep to yourself more than you should.” Rose tells Tony, watching as he looks away. She’s right- he knows she is. It’s just easier to never talk about how you feel in hopes that feeling will disappear. “Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away Tony.” Rose adds- almost as if she can read his mind. He’s not surprised she knew what he was thinking, Rose knows him better than anyone else. So he looked at her, and he told her- and you know he really hates to admit it but it made him feel better. Talking to Rose makes him feel better.

***

Rose was 29 when she met Loki. She watched him through the monitor connected to the security camera. Loki was the kind of man she had never met before- he was completely in control even when he seemed helpless. He sat on the bench in the circular prison meant for the Hulk, he didn’t seem stressed he looked utterly content. Rose felt drawn to him- and she didn’t know if she was okay with that or terrified. Tony watched her and grabbed her arm gently, “you stay away from him okay? You’re not to go near him.” Tony ordered and Rose nodded- not arguing with him. Tony always knows what’s best for her. Tony turned and headed to the Lab Bruce was in and Rose found herself walking and followed her feet to the prison Loki was trapped in. He didn’t notice her come in- and if he did he pretended he didn’t. But out of the corner of his eye he sees her, and she’s beautiful. For a woman from Midgard. He turned to her, with a wide smile on his face- “to what do I owe the pleasure?” Loki asked her and her throat hitched in her throat. He looked ethereal- he was perfect in every way. Like a God should be. “I-” She started but her throat went dry.

Loki smiled coyly, “are you nervous?” He asked, a teasing smile on his face. A deep blush made it’s way to her cheeks- she found herself stepping towards the glass, wanting to be closer to him. What’s the matter with her? Thor is a God, and he never had this affect on her- he was more rugged while Loki was more refined. “You- you haven’t tried to escape.” Rose mumbled, her voice shaking. Her eyes widened when he stood up and made his way towards her on the other side of the glass. “That’s because darling, I’m exactly where I want to be.” Loki said lowly, raising a brow at her expression. An expression of wanting- and a bit of fear. He intimidated her. “Are you?” Loki asked, loving the deer-caught-in-headlights look on her face. Rose swallowed thickly, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. There was a softness in his eyes when he talked to her, a look that Loki himself wasn’t aware of. Unintentionally Loki was gentler with her. She didn’t know what to say to him- or why she came here at all. Rose turned on her heel to leave when he spoke, “what’s your name darling? I can’t let you leave before I can know you.” Loki said, a cocky smile sliding over his lips.

“R-Rosalie Stark.” She stammered, turning to look at him once more. Stark? “Ah you must be related to the man made of Iron.” Loki smiled and Rose nodded, “Yeah and he’d be very angry if he knew I was in here.” She said, and Loki smiled, “rebelling are we?” He teased and Rose actually laughed. Genuinely laughed, there was something about Loki that made her want to be near him. “You know I would have expected you to behave more like a caged animal all locked up in this prison.” Rose comments, feeling surprisingly comfortable with him. “Maybe if you weren’t here I would be.” Loki said- his eyes piercing through her. A deep blush crawls up her neck once more. Loki sees how easy it would be to use her- but something in him feels almost sick at the thought of using her. She weakens him- it makes him want to push her away. He needs to succeed, the consequences will be too dire if he doesn’t. They’ll have his head- he doesn’t have room for weakness.

Rose feels a hand around her arm, and a concerned and almost angry expression cross Loki’s face. She turns seeing Tony dragging her out of the room, “what the hell did I say?” Tony snapped, clearly angry at her. Loki stood, watching him forcefully drag her away from him- and he hates that. He hates that Tony drug her out of the room. He didn’t need to put his hands on her, and for the first time since Loki has been here, he feels angry. “Tony I-” Rose started but was silenced but the mere look he gave her. “Rose he’s dangerous. Do you not understand that? He doesn’t care about you or anything- Thor is his damn brother and he tried to kill him!” Tony snapped, once they’d gotten to the Lab. “Anyone can be changed Tony!” Rose yells back and his eyebrows raise. “Do you- do you care about him? Rose he’s a God who is not only insane but has absolutely no morals and is drunk with power. This little crush has to stop- now.” Tony yells, storming out of the Lab. Rose felt angry tears wet her cheeks as Bruce kept working, he looked up at her. “Rose, I commend you for your good nature and your willingness to help others but Loki? Loki can’t be saved.” He says gently, but Rose knows he’s wrong. They’re all wrong. Loki can be saved.

When Nat is sent in to interrogate him Rose slips out of the Lab without Tony noticing. Rose listens out of view, “you’re a monster!” Nat cries but Rose can tell she’s faking it. “No- you brought the monster.” Loki smiles and Nat immediately reports back, “he means on releasing the Hulk.” Nat says quickly making her way out of the room. Rose emerges from her hiding place, “you wouldn’t really do that...we’ll all die. The Hulk will rip this ship apart and clear out of the sky.” Rose says weakly, and she swears she sees Loki’s face fall a little. “Of course not darling, of course not.” Loki lies, and Rose nods. Loki examines her arm, seeing the red marks. “Your brother did that to you?” Loki asks, expression darkening. Rose looks down at her arm, knowing Tony will feel guilty he hurt her. “He didn’t mean to- he was just angry.” Rose says softly. Loki looks at her, “come here.” He says sternly but gently. “W-why?” Rose stammers and Loki smiles.

“Do you trust me?” Loki asks, his eyes not leaving hers. “No.” Rose says softly and this causes his smile to grow wider, “Good. Come here.” He orders again and Rose takes tentative steps forward, opening the door before stepping inside. The door doesn’t slide shut behind her, “you’re not trying to escape. The door is open...” Rose trails off- nervous as he approaches her. “I’m exactly where I need to be darling.” He says smoothly. Rose clears her throat, looking up at him. He’s very tall. “What do you want?” She asks and Loki smiles, leaning in to whisper in her ear, “sorry about this darling.” He murmurs, pressing his fingers to her temple. In an instant she is unconscious, and Loki hears the Hulk’s roar. Loki lifts Rose to his chest, holding her bridal style as Thor runs into the room. Using his illusion magic, Thor thinks Loki is about to escape but launches himself into the prison only to discover Loki is already out- and holding Rose. “Loki, you can’t have her.” Thor says and Loki smiles. “I already do.” He says- his fingers dancing over the button to drop the cage into the ocean.

Rose’s eyes open briefly, to see Thor in the cage- and the cage drop from the ship. “Thor!” She says weakly, pushing herself from Loki’s arms. “No can’t go there darling- it’s not safe. Come here,” he says gently lifting her back into his arms again. Rose watches as she passes through the halls of the ships in Loki’s arms, “Loki you- can’t kidnap me...” She whispers using all her strength. Loki smiles, holding her tightly so no one can take her. “I have to keep you safe.” He tells her, before boarding an airplane. Loki doesn’t know why he took her- he just knows that he can’t let her leave his sight. He needs to keep her safe, he can’t let any harm come to her. Tony is no where to be found and Rose watches in disdain as the doors close and she falls unconscious once again.

Tony’s eyes widen in panic, “he- he took her?” Tony seethes, his fists curling. Steve was the first to say anything, “Tony we’ll get her back, we know he’s at Stark tower.” He says but Tony places both fists against one of the table as his head drops. His chest is heaving- if Loki does anything to her. Rose’s eyes open, laying on one of the couches at Stark Tower. Looking towards the window- she see’s Loki. “You kidnapped me.” Rose says, anger evident in her tone. Loki turns to look at her, “I need to keep you safe. Here is the safest place for you.” He explains, and Rose rolls her eyes. She stands and runs her fingers through her hair, “you kidnapped me Loki!” Rose yells, and Loki sighs. “In time you’ll see I did the right thing.” He tells her and she takes a deep breath. “Oh my God Tony must be so worried,” Rose says- turning to the elevator. Loki turns, his heart racing when he sees her trying to leave. “I assure you they’re on their way. Stay darling.” Loki says sweetly. Rose looks at him, thinking for a moment before turning back towards him. She goes to stand next to him by the window, watching in horror as aliens come from the sky.

“It’s going to be a mass slaughter...Loki stop this please!” Rose cries, her hands flying to her face. Loki doesn’t look over at her, “I can’t.” He says, his expression hard. Rose feels tears run down her cheeks, “why on Earth not?” She asks, and Loki swallows. “They won’t let me.” He says and Rose pinches her eyebrows together. “Who?” She asks and Loki looks up into the sky and then it dawns on her. The Aliens coming from the sky, they must have a leader of their own. Is Loki being forced to do this against his will? “Loki, why did you take me? I know you want to protect me but why? I mean nothing to you, you’re a God and I’m just...me.” Rose asks, turning away from the window- hoping Tony and the others will get here soon. Loki looks genuinely confused as he doesn’t know what to say, “I- I don’t know.” He says honestly. “I do know that you’re not nothing. You are a gift to the men of this world darling- your beauty is unmatched.” Loki says simply, looking away from her. Rose reaches for his hand, he flinches at first and nearly pulls away but lets her grab his hand.

Rose watches as Thor takes the tesseract and Loki and steps forward, Loki is in handcuffs and has a muzzle on. Rose feels her heart break at the thought of never seeing him again. Loki looks at her, and there’s a look in his eyes that tells her he feels the same way. Tears build in her eyes as the Rosenbridge appears and takes Thor and Loki with it when it disappears. A single tear falls down her face as Tony wraps his arm around her. She turns towards Tony’s car, wiping away tears as they continue to fall. The drive back to the house is long and Tony doesn’t know what to say. Loki is a maniac and will only hurt Rose or get her killed. Maybe he does care for her- that doesn’t change the fact that he’s dangerous. Rose doesn’t say anything the entire time, no matter how many times Tony tries to lighten the mood. “So Pizza tonight?” Tony smiles but Rose looks vacantly out the window. His smile falls as he reaches for her hand, and she lets him. “Rose, you can’t choose you fall in love with. I’m sorry I was so hard on you, I just want to keep you safe.” Tony tells her and she turns to him, eyes red and watery. “I know, it’s okay. Of all people I can fall for- I fall for a God.” Rose scolds herself, continuing to wipe away tears with her free hand.

***

“Welcome home Brother, shall we throw you a homecoming party?” Thor teased, but Loki didn’t even glance his way. Thor smiled, “oh come no Loki, silver tongue turn to lead?” Thor laughs, but his laugh quickly fades when Loki remains silent walking up to the palace. Not even a smile, or a scowl, nothing. No eye roll, no witty comeback, Thor has never seen Loki so- somber. Thor thinks for a moment- and remembers Rose. Loki misses her, he misses having her near, and he hates that he let himself care for her. When she’s near him- he feels like he can be a better man. He wants her here, he can’t get her off his mind. “You miss her don’t you?” Thor says, not joking anymore. Loki doesn’t answer, but their brief eye contact is enough of an answer for Thor. Loki is lead into the throne room when Thor feels hopeful- if Loki genuinely cares for Rose then maybe she can change him. Maybe she can make him a better man- she can bring him back.

Loki is sentenced and brought to the cells when Thor comes forward to Odin. “Father, there was a woman on Earth that Loki- uh.. well got close to.” Thor explained and Odin’s eyebrows raised. “A human?” Odin said, a disapproving tone. Despite what Loki has done, Odin forbids any of this children to marry mortals. They live, decay, and die before an Asgardian gets a quarter of the way through their lives. “I think if we brought her here, she could help him. He was different when she was near-” Thor begins but Odin waves his hand, “we do not bring mortals here Thor, you know this.” Thor continues however, “Father Loki was gentler, more compassionate when she was near I know if we bring her here she can-” Odin cuts him off once more. “I said no Thor, we do not bring mortals here. No exceptions.” Odin snaps, growing frustrated.

“One of us has to try and save Loki!” Thor yelled in frustration, he knows Rose can change Loki. Odin stands, taking a deep breath. “Tell me about this woman.” Odin says finally and Thor lets out a deep breath. “She’s smart, and kind. She’s gentle, and I myself care for her- nothing more than a shield sister. Loki however was almost drawn to her, she has this power over him. She calms him, and humbles him. He’s different when she’s near.” Thor explains and Odin thinks for a moment. “He misses her,” Thor adds and Odin looks at him finally, “get her.” Thor smiles and turns back to head to the Bifrost.

***

Laying in bed, Rose can’t stop thinking about Loki. She misses him, and that sounds crazy because he’s a God. He’s probably bedding all the Goddesses as she speaks. She feels tears sting the back of her eyes again and a heaviness on her chest. She sits up, the tears building- why can she not just forget him? Her heart aches so much she can’t it anymore. He’s a God he could never love her, or even give a damn about her. She’s just a human- she’s not good enough for him. She probably annoyed him- he’s probably up in Asgard so glad to finally be rid of her. Its pathetic, he’s probably forgotten about her already while she can’t get him off her mind. She rinses her face with water when she hears a sound close to a mini explosion from outside, it sounds like- like lightning. She turns out of her room to see Thor strolling into her living room, Rose glances towards Tony’s door. He’s probably working, thank God. “Thor? What are you doing here?” Rose smiles, rushing to throw her arms around him.

“I’ve come to retrieve you.” Thor smiles, happy to see her. She’s been a good friend to Thor as of late. Her eyes widen, her heart beginning to beat wildly in her chest. “Why?” She asks, her pulse rising. Thor smiles, “My Father has requested your presence- for Loki.” Thor tells her and enjoys the wide smile that spreads across her face and the blush that prickles along her cheeks. Rose scribbles a note for Tony- who is going to be livid with her when she returns. After placing it on Tony’s door, Rose turns to her room, “wait, I have something for you to wear. Asgardian noble clothing.” Thor tells her, holding up a beautiful powder pink Asgardian dress. Rose smiles, turning into her room to change and when she emerges- Thor’s eyes widen as she smiles. “Your beauty has surpassed the Goddesses themselves Lady Rose.” Thor smiled and Rose blushed, looking down at her feet. Thor is the best and greatest friend she could have asked for. “Put your arms around me,” Thor says gently and Rose reaches up and hugs him tightly as he launches them into the air and back down into the grass.

“Heimdall, I’m ready.” And suddenly they are engulfed in colors and lights, and in a few seconds they’re flying through space. Rose holds tight to Thor as she watches the starts and nebula's pass right by her- plants, galaxy's, and so many things she’s never seen before. She lands with Thor on a platform of hold and a large man with a large sword smiles down at her. “Welcome to Asgard Ms. Stark.” Heimdall smiles, and Rose blushes, following Thor to the palace. Thor holds her again and flies them right to a large Throne room. “So you are the mortal that has claimed my sons troubled heart.” Odin says and Rose’s eyes widen as she bows before him- not knowing the proper way to greet the King of the 9 Realms. Odin smiles, appreciating her attempt to be proper in his presence. “Tell me your name child.” Odin says, looking down at her from the Throne. Rose clears her throat as nerves begin to take over, “Rosalie Stark your highness.” Rose says and Odin nods, “Lady Rose is it? Thor, bring him.” Odin orders and Thor nods, turning and walking deeper into the Palace. “I don’t know what it is my son likes so much about you Lady Rose, but Thor has reassured me that you can help my son. That is the only reason you are here.” Odin tells her and Rose can’t tell if its meant to be taken as a threat or not.

“So the all mighty King has demanded the presence of his disgraced Son has he? To what do I owe the pleasure my liege,” Loki says, fake bowing a cocky smile on his face- not having seen Rose yet. Odin’s face falls to annoyance as he gestures towards Rose. Loki looks to his left and his eyes widen- his heart immediately pounding wildly behind his ribcage. He smiled and took a step towards her, “just couldn’t stay away could you? Had to travel across planets just to get another look?” Loki teased- loving the way her cheeks darkened in a blush. “I don’t see you looking away either God of Mischief.” Rose bit back, a sly smile on her face. Odin could see within moments of them speaking that Thor was right- Loki cares for this mortal. Loki smiles down at her, and Odin looks at him. “Loki you will be permitted visits with this girl but if you try to escape- I will have her executed.” Odin threatens and Loki’s expression darkens.

“Touch her and I will-” Loki snaps pulling against his restraints, “if you follow my rules she won’t be harmed.” Odin says and Loki’s expression is so dark Rose fears he would attempt to kill Odin if he wasn’t restrained. Loki’s expression softens considerably when Rose places a hand on his arm. Loki turns, and holds out an arm for Rose to take. “I’ll give you the ‘Princes Exclusive’ tour of the dungeons. Just wait- it’s very homey down there. Glamorous.” Loki says with a sarcastic smile and Rose giggles, leaning into him a little bit after taking his arm. “I can’t believe Odin stuck you in the dungeons.” Rose whispered low enough for Loki to hear but not loud enough for the guards leading them to hear. Loki smiles, “I have all the homey touches, don’t worry dove.” Loki says softly- her heart warming at the nickname. Upon entering the dungeons, all the prisoners eyes find their way to Rose- whistling and hollering. Loki’s expression darkens as they enter his cell and the cuffs are removed. The cell is sealed with both Rose and Loki inside. “We’ll come to retrieve you when the visit is over Lady Rose,” the guards inform her.

“Why do they keep looking at me like that?” Rose asks, feeling uncomfortable at the expression the prisoners are giving her. “It’s because you look ravishing dear, sculpted from the heavens.” Loki purrs, his pupils dilating. He takes a step towards her, and slowly, carefully places his lips on hers. Rose feels swarms of butterflies fluttering around in her abdomen and her heart pounding so hard she can hear it in her ears. The kiss is short and sweet but it’s enough to make her head swim. Loki takes her hand and pulls her to sit next to him on a bench and he pulls out a necklace with a beautiful emerald in the middle of a tree.

“Loki it’s beautiful.” Rose breathes as he fastens it around her neck. Loki smiles, revealing that pinned to his collar is the same tree with the emerald in it. “I made these darling, so that when you can fall asleep I can enter your dreams. We can speak and be together while you sleep.” Loki explains- taking Rose’s hands. “Only as long as you wear that- I infused it with a magic that links us together.” Rose leans up and presses a kiss to Loki’s cheek when the guard returns to the door and Rose exits the cell. “I’ll see you tomorrow Lady Rose.” Loki smiles and Rose blushes- giving him a fake curtsy before she’s lead up the stairs. At the top she’s met by Thor who gives her a friendly smile, “hello Lady Rose.” He says- slightly raising a brow at the necklace around her neck. “It’s a gift from Loki.” Rose smiles as she follows Thor. He smiles, “Thor how long am I going to be here?” She asks and Thor’s face falls. “Probably not long I’m afraid. Just enough to appease Loki and calm him for a while.”

Rose follows Thor to her room, a big room with a large round bed in the middle. Up a few steps is a beautiful balcony closed off with double doors covered with white see through curtains. “This room is beautiful.” Rose comments, noticing more dresses hung along a wall near the bathroom. Thor smiles, “this is where you’ll be staying while you’re here.” Rose feels the soft bed sheets- this isn’t a fabric that exists on Earth. “Thank you Thor, there isn’t a chance I could contact my brother is there?” Rose asks- wanting to speak to Tony. “I’m afraid not, we don’t have intergalactic communication I’m afraid.” Thor apologizes with a teasing smile. Thor excuses himself from her room, after a servant delivers a tray of food.

After eating and changing into a nighttime dress, Rose lays in the covers making sure she has the necklace on. Letting herself fall to sleep- her eyes close and when they open she’s somewhere she’s never been before. It’s a beautiful house overlooking Asgard. Is she dreaming? “Hello darling,” Loki smiles, wearing only his under armor clothing. Rose smiles and stands to press her lips to his, “is this real?” She asks, stepping out onto the balcony. “Yes, we’re in your dream. What are you dreaming of dear?” Loki asks and Rose blushes. She fell asleep dreaming of having an actual life with Loki. “Of living here, it’s beautiful here.” She lies and Loki smiles- but there’s something off. “Are you okay?” Rose asks, turning to face him. Loki looks down at her, “you’re a mortal. I’m a God Rose.” Loki says suddenly going to sit down on the bed. Rose’s heart drops, “just because I’m a mortal doesn’t mean I’m less than-” “No, it means you will die thousands of years before I do.” Loki tells her, looking away.

“Then lets enjoy the time we do have.” Rose says, reaching up to pull his lips closer to hers. He kisses her back feverishly, laying her back against the bed. Rose’s head is swimming- their romance is a whirlwind but she’s in love with a God she wasn’t expecting anything less. Loki’s hands ghost over her body, tugging down the sleeves of her nightdress, his eyes asking permission. Rose nods, her cheeks a rosy red as the clothing is removed leaving her in nothing but her panties. His lips are feather light on her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps as his lips trace down the curve of her neck. He presses light kisses to her skin and his lips find their way to her collarbones, pressing gentle kisses to both of them. “You are breathtaking darling,” Loki whispers, his hands lightly brushing down her sides. His fingers hook into the waistband of her panties, this time needing verbal consent. “May I darling?” He asks but she hesitates, “I want to, I just don’t know if this means to you what it means to me.” Rose whispers, “I know how I feel darling, do you?” Loki asks, gently brushing the tip of his nose against hers. Rose nods, giving Loki permission to slide her panties down her legs.

Loki leans back on his heels and takes her naked body in, her fair skin shining in the moonlight. Her chest is already heaving and he’s barely even touched her. “Loki please...” Rose whines, the sexual frustration becoming too much for her to handle. He smiles coyly as the tips of his fingers trail up her stomach and towards her breasts. Rose’s back arches up into his touch but his fingers trail back down her stomach again. He smiles as he presses gentle kisses to her inner thighs lips merely brushing against where she needs him the most. Rose has never felt anything like this before, her brain was static and she almost felt lightheaded, “are you sure you can take this darling? I’m no ordinary lover,” Loki asked sincerely, and Rose nodded. She couldn’t think straight enough to speak. Loki’s hand trails back up and finally brushes over her nipples, hard and ready for him. A groan escaped her lips as she looked down at him, the brilliant blue in his eyes almost gone as his pupils have blown wide open. His eyes are near black, with a thin blue ring around them. Rose was writhing under Loki, while he was still fully clothed. Loki has an affect over her body that no one else will ever have.

Loki presses a kiss to her core, sending jolts up her body as he presses soft and gentle kisses around her. He runs his fingers through her folds, making sure she’s good and wet for him before he begins to undress. Rose’s chest is heaving as she leans up on her elbows, watching him lose his clothing piece by piece. She wants to tell him those 3 stupid little words but her mouth won’t let her, every time she opens her mouth her throat goes dry and her heart starts pounding so fast she can’t think. She wants to say it every time she looks into his eyes, I love you. But she doesn’t know if he even feels that way- maybe he just wants her body. Maybe it’s all just a trick, he is a God. It wouldn’t be hard for him to fool her. Once his pants hit the ground, Rose is in awe. He’s absolutely breathtaking, he practically glows in the moonlight. He looks like a God, perfect. Loki leans over her, his face a mere few inches from her own. He smiles fondly at her, pressing his lips to kiss her slowly and intimately. Rose’s eyes widen when she feels him pressing into her. He slides in inch by inch, spreading her open with a sharp burn up her pelvis.

Loki presses kisses to her neck as she breathes through the pain, he’s bigger than she’s had before. Like a gentleman he waits until she’s ready for him to continue, and on the tip of his tongue are those 3 pesky little words he never thought he’d say to anyone. I love you. But he can’t love her, because one day he will lose her and be forced to live all those long years without her. That will drive him to the deepest pit of the darkness within him and he fears nothing will bring him back out of it. He pushes the words to the back of his throat when he feels her loosen considerably, and with a nod he’s sliding his hips back and her mouth falls open when he pushes them against her again. Rose moans softly as he gently continues to slide his hips back in long sensual strokes. This feels more like love making than anything else. Her hands wrap around his shoulders and back as he presses kisses to her shoulders and neck.

He continues to press his hips against her, keeping his rhythm even though he felt that familiar coil tightening, Rose screwed her eyes shut as her nails dug into his back, that tightening feeling building and building until it bursts, with Loki stuttering before stopping with a deep breath. He kisses her shoulder before sliding out of her and reaching for his pants. Rose pulls the night dress over her head and sits behind Loki, pressing kisses to his bare back. He smiles, “did that really happen or was it all just in my head?” Rose asked and Loki chuckled, “You’ll have to find out tomorrow dove. Look at my back, you’ll know then.” He teases, referring to the scratch marks along his back. “Go to sleep darling, you’ll see me again soon enough.” He smiles, kissing her forehead as she lays down and lets her eyes slide shut.

***

When her eyes open, she smiles. Rose leaps out of bed and dresses in a white and gold silk dress. Stepping into the hallway, Thor is nowhere to be found. “Excuse me but where is Thor?” Rose asks a guard, “The infirmary, Lady Rose, I can take you there if you’d like.” The guard offers and Rose nods. Entering the infirmary Rose sees Thor next to a woman with brown hair, “Thor?” Rose says, and he turns to look at her. “Good Morning Rose, this is Jane. She has a massive and powerful energy coursing through her, we’ve come to find out what it is.” Thor explains and Rose looks down at the woman and smiles. She glances between Rose and Thor and Rose smiles, “no Thor is my friend, one of my closest friends actually. I’m here for his brother- Loki.” Rose explains and her expression turns to anger. “You’re with Loki? That murderous, raving violent ass-” “Good morning Lady Rose, isn’t it time for your visit with Loki?” Odin smiles as he walks in, Rose smiles and bows before following a guard out of the room and down to the dungeons.

Her face widens in a smile when Loki comes into view, entering his cell Rose wraps her arms around him immediately. Rose smiles shyly as Loki lifts the bottom of his shirt just enough for her to see a few red scratches. A blush crawls over her face as Loki chuckles, wrapping his arms around her. Rose looks through Loki’s books as he sits back against his bench and watches her fondly. “You know having a King for a Father must be intimidating.” Rose comments and Loki scowls, “I wouldn’t know I never met my Father.” He says and Rose’s eyebrows raise, “I’m a Jotunn, a Frost Giant. I was taken by Odin when he decimated my people and my father Laufey cast me out.” Loki explains, “you’re a Frost Giant? Aren’t they big and well- blue?” Rose asks, remembering when Thor used to talk about them.

“Yes but I’m quite talented with Illusion Magic. I can choose to appear however I wish, my Mother told me when I was a baby Odin transformed my skin so I would blend in with Asgardian’s. Only touching a relic of the Jotunheim will bring out my true skin.” Loki explained, and Rose sat next to him, “but Thor described the Jotunn’s as though they’re monsters, you’re not a monster.” Rose asked and Loki’s eyes were cast to the ground. “If you think that’s true then you don’t know me very well.” Loki said coldly, and Rose felt taken aback. “But I do know you, I know who you really are. You can be the person I see in you, kind, giving, loyal, a true hero to the people.” Rose said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Lady Rose we are having an emergency and we need to escort you to safety.” A guard said and Loki said. “She’s already safe, leave her with me.” Loki demanded, “Sorry sir, Thor’s direct orders were to bring her to him immediately.” One of the guards said while the other entered the cell and gently grabbed Rose’s arm.

“Loki!” Rose called as they took her out of the cell and towards the stairs. Loki can hear the screams of dying men and the clash of swords in the direction they were taking her, “please leave her here! You’re bringing her into danger!” Loki yelled, anger building in his veins. Rose looked back at Loki as she disappeared up the stairs and Loki felt nothing but absolute and utter panic in his veins. “Rose!” Loki called helplessly, listening to the sound of screaming. Rose was hauled along by the soldiers, seeing big elves in heavy armor cutting down all the Asgardian soldiers. “Oh my God,” She whispered as the guards finally delivered her to Thor. “Rose, thank goodness you’re okay.” Thor breathed, “This is my Mother Frigga- go with her she will keep you safe.” Thor instructs and Rose is taken away with Frigga. Loki paces in his cell as the battle has made its way to the dungeons, and he has nothing but fear and anger in his veins. If she were here with him he’d be able to protect her. Thor takes a step towards Loki’s cell- relieved to see he’s still in there and alive. “Where is she? I swear if you get her killed-” Loki growled.

“She’s alive and well brother, she’s gone with Mother.” Thor snapped but Loki’s heart didn’t stop pounding wildly in his chest. Rose hid in Jane’s room with Frigga, fighting off a large snow elf. Jane’s eyes were red as Malekith held Frigga by her throat, and drove a sword into her abdomen. Everything went black when one of them slammed their sword into the back of Rose’s head and she crumpled to the floor. Thor lifted Rose to his arms and carried her to the infirmary where she stayed for 3 days. Loki couldn’t sleep, or eat, or drink. He sat with his head in his hands and his palms shaking. He can still those cursed words, words informing him that not only had his mother been murdered but the woman he lov- cared deeply for, was also in the infirmary. Loki continued to ask the guards how she is and if Rose is still alive, he hates that he can’t be there with her- that he has to go every agonizing second without knowing whether or not she’s okay.

On the 3rd day when Rose awoke, Thor had come to the conclusion that he was going to need Loki’s help. He had put together the whole plan and only needed to get Loki to agree. Helping Rose out of bed, Thor filled her in on what he needed to do. “I don’t know a way to get out of Asgard without attracting Odin’s attention, but Loki does. He has many secret passageways on and off the planet. I’ll need to break him out- which means you’ll need to come with us. Odin told Loki if he escapes you’ll be executed.” Thor explained and Rose’s throat closed. “You think he’d really do it?” Rose asked and Thor nodded, “if it meant putting Loki in his place, he’d do anything.” Going down the stairs into the dungeons, Rose’s heart broke when she saw that Loki was practically unaffected by the fact that she was in the infirmary. Does he not care about her? When Loki saw her however tears were in his eyes, “hello darling.” He said with a smile and before she could reply- Thor did. “Enough Illusions brother.” And an Illusion melted away revealing destroyed furniture, the books shredded apart and broken glass as well as blood coming from the bottom of Loki’s foot. His hair was disheveled, and his eyes were red and puffy.

After explaining what he needs to do Loki immediately refuses, “no, I can’t put Rose in danger.” Loki says, “she’s in danger if I go, she’ll be executed or worse slain by one of those damned elves.” Loki snapped and Rose crouched down to look at him. “Loki please, I’ll stay right by you the entire time I swear.” Rose begged and Loki looked over at her, already giving in. “Fine, but if anything happens to you-” “It won’t.” Rose smiled. Loki felt in his gut that this was a bad idea, but he couldn’t say no to her. He was still pulling away from her, a God and a Mortal were never meant to be. They were destined to be a tragedy right from the start and even in New York he knew getting close to her was dangerous but he just couldn’t stop himself.

***

Loki watched as the sword dug through his chest, but he felt no pain. It was better if Rose thought he was dead, he can’t love her. She’s mortal he can’t live without her- he just can’t. He can’t do that to her. Let her lose him instead of him losing her. Rose’s hands flew to her face as Loki collapsed back. The wound seeping with blood, “no, no I-” Rose stammered unable to speak. It felt as though her entire world was crumbling to pieces in front of her. “Loki please no,” Rose cried as he stuttered through breaths- this can’t be happening. His hand reached up and brushed along her cheek as his body turned a ashy blue and his eyes closed. A scream erupted from Rose’s lungs, ripping through the barren wasteland as tears ran down her cheeks. Heavy sobs overtook her as her head fell against his chest, her hands dug into her hair on either side of her head. Rose cried and screamed and held that little silver necklace in her hands, her face buried in his chest. Thor took a step towards her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “We can’t leave him here!” She cried as Thor helped her up. “We have no choice,” Thor said, tears in his eyes as he looked back at his little brother.

Everything went by in a blur, she couldn’t bring herself to care about anything or anyone and all the weeks later that she finally made her way back home and knocked on the door Tony yanked that door open and engulfed her in a tight hug. “Jesus Christ never disappear on me ever again. ‘Hey Tony going to Asgard home soon’? How is that supposed to ease my conscious?” Tony said, half joking, half scolding. When she doesn’t respond Tony pulls her back and looks at her, “what happened?” He asked- shutting the door behind her. “Loki- he...he’s dead.” Rose whispered, tears building in her eyes again. Tony’s face showed a mixture of emotions, but despite how he feels he pulls her in for a tight hug, knowing she loved him. She leaned against him, letting tears flow down her cheeks and her body shook with tears.

Years went by, and Rose began training with Doctor Strange, learning how to harness the mystical arts, anything to get her mind off of how much her heart ached. She hated being alive every second of everyday and every night was plagued with nightmares- memories of him. Everything just hurt so much- without him life itself was meaningless. She’d become quite talented at opening gates but that was about all she could do- Doctor Strange said her heart was too troubled for the more complicated magic. She didn’t want to fall asleep, knowing the dreams won’t stop- but her eyes slid shut as she gave in to sleep. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” He smiled, and she can feel it gauging her heart as he moved about the dream, looking at her and she feels like he’s looking right through her. It’s agonizing, she sees his smile, hears his chuckle and his voice. “I’m exactly where I want to be,” Loki smiles, and Rose can see his eyes soften when he looks at her. She sees his shoulders relax- she notices things she missed the first time she met him. She took times like that for granted, not knowing he would be taken from her so soon. It’s not fair. Tears slide down her cheeks as the image of him swirls and disappears and then she’s standing in that room filled with moonlight. The light illuminating his face, and his crystal blue eyes. She watches as he hovers above her as he did that night and she closes her eyes- willing the memory away. When she opens her eyes, there’s his body. Cold and abandoned in the dusty planet she left it on, she screams and cries- collapsing to her knees. Every night it’s this, going through memories before this one appears before her and she loses herself all over again.

Rose sits up in bed, sweat dripping down her forehead and tears still wet on her cheeks. Her chest is heaving as sobs force through her body- she can’t live like this anymore. She wipes away the tears and takes a shower, throwing on some clothes before heading to see Doctor Strange. He doesn’t mentor her in magic much anymore- but he still teaches her things about incantations. She goes over there now mostly because he’s her friend, and he takes her mind off Loki. Learning things from him gives her life purpose again. Stepping into the living room she opens a gate to his door and steps through in front of his door, closing the gate behind her. She turns and knocks on the door and Doctor Strange opens the door and smiles. “Sleep well?” He asks- knowing full well she didn’t. She glared at him before taking off her jacket, “for that you can hang up my jacket, no cheating.” Rose said, raising a brow. Steven smiled taking her jacket and hanging it on the hook. Rose laughed at his annoyed expression before hitting the books. “What are we doing today?” She asked eagerly causing Steven to raise his brows at her, “eager are we? As it so happens- nothing. Care for some tea?” He asks and Rose rolls her eyes, “nothing? Again?” She complains.

“You don’t have to come over Ms. Stark,” Steven smiles, knowing she’s going to argue with him. She’s ornery, a real spitfire sometimes. “I come over because I want to, don’t give me that crap!” She snaps, her expression turning annoyed. Steven chuckled as they drank tea and read books, this is what they do mostly. At first she was going through lessons every day but not so much anymore- now they act like a married couple that’s been together for 80 years. They sit, drink tea, and read. But just being near Steven helps take her mind off Loki. A loud pounding on the door interrupts them, “Rose won’t you go get that for me?” Steven asks and Rose nods, standing and making her way to the door. Swinging it open she sees Thor. “Thor?” She asks, her smile widening- he engulfs her in a tight hug and spins her around. “What are you doing here?” He asks and Rose smiles as Steven comes into view. “I’m a friend of Doctor Strange.” She answers and Thor looks confused, “who?” “Uh, oh!” She exclaims seeing Steven behind her, “uh Thor this is Doctor Steven Strange, Steven this is Thor.” She introduced the two men as they smiled and greeted each other politely. Steven leaned in close to Rose, “go read that letter from Odin once more, I seem to have forgotten where he’s off to.” Steven lied, and Rose nodded.

In all honesty, he wanted a chance to get Thor and Loki out of here before she got back, he didn’t want her knowing Loki was alive- knowing she’d run off again and get herself killed. Plus Tony Stark was adamant that Steven keep her safe at all costs. But she returned just as Thor said “I guess I’ll be needing my brother back.” Her eyes widened and her mouth fell open as Steven opened the portal and from it dropped Loki. “What?” Rose stammered, causing all eyes to turn to look at her. She made her way down the stairs towards Loki, “how- you...you died.” Rose said with tears in her eyes, “He faked his death Rose.” Thor explained before Loki could say anything. “Darling-” Loki started before she slapped him, tears streaming down her face. Rose turned and yanked the portal towards them- sending them all through it and to Norway. “Darling-” Loki started but Rose ignored him, turning and walking towards Odin with Thor. She couldn’t bare to look at him much less speak to him, how could he do that to her?

***

The next time Rose found the strength to look him was at Sakaar when the GrandMaster had led them to their own room. “Darling, can you please look at me?” Loki begged, but Rose just felt so torn up she couldn’t barely speak without being choked by tears. “You- you faked your own death, do you have any idea what that did to me?” Rose spoke, her voice low and tears threatening to spill over. “Am I a game to you Loki? Am I a goddamn game? You think it’s fun to play with my emotions?” Rose cried, turning to look at him- a dangerously angry look in her eyes. “No darling of course not, I was going to tell you when the time was right-” He started but Rose laughed bitterly. “Seriously? You shouldn’t have done it at all! Why- why on Earth would you torment the people you love like that? You destroyed us, me and Thor.” Rose cried and Loki for the first time actually thought she might leave him because of this.

“I didn’t tell you because I can’t let myself care about you Rose, you will die and I’ll have to go on living without you!” Loki yelled, tears stinging his eyes. “That’s what you put me through! The dreams I had every single night was that you?” Rose asked, praying he would say no, praying he didn’t give her those dreams. “I thought they would help you heal-” He started but was cut off by Rose turning away from him- digging her fingers into her hair. This isn’t happening he didn’t actually do this her. This is another nightmare, just another nightmare. “You tormented me for years Loki! I wanted to die, I couldn’t live without you, I was in agony every single day just wishing a truck would hit and kill me!” Rose yelled, looking back at him. “I’m sorry Rose I really am,” Loki said but Rose couldn’t take it anymore. “Loki if you don’t say something better than ‘I’m sorry’ then I am going to walk out that door and you’ll never see me again.” Rose snaps, her voice weak from tears.

Loki looks almost panicked, he stays silent as Rose brushes past him with tears in her eyes and at the last minute he turns and grabs her arm, “Darling please wait. I say I’m sorry because that’s all I have. I don’t have anything better, I’m sorry I was a coward and ran away from how I feel, I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ve done a lot of horrible things to a lot of innocent people, and I’ve never known guilt until I met you. You’ve awakened a side of me I was worried died a long time ago, Rose you are my strength and my weakness. You make me feel alive, and hollow. You are something I’ve never known in my entire life so I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I was selfish. When I say ‘I’m sorry’ its the most sincere thing I can and will ever say.” Loki says, near begging and Rose’s eyes widen. She takes a step towards him, pressing her lips to his and just holding him- letting herself celebrate the fact that he’s alive. “I’m still upset, I don’t know if that’s something I’ll ever be able to forgive but I...” She closes her eyes, steeling her nerves as she looks at him again, “I love you. And I don’t want to lose you again.” Loki smiles and wraps his arms around her, “I love you darling, and admitting it has been the scariest thing I’ve ever done.”

***

Rose watches with tears in her eyes as Thanos approaches her, Loki standing and watching him press a stone to Rose’s head. Rose starts screaming, the pain like fire through her skull, “alright enough!” Loki yells, tears in his eyes and a defeated and empty look on his face. Thanos turns to Loki and takes the Space Stone from the Tesseract. Loki looks back at Rose, smiling sadly knowing one of them isn’t going to make it out of this alive. Loki smiles and fake offers Thanos a chance to let him be his guide on Earth, but when the opportunity presents itself he whips out a knife and attempts to stab Thanos, Thanos freezes him and lifts him by the throat. Rose watches with wide eyes, tears down her cheeks as she knows this is real. This isn’t an illusion, that’s really Loki. With a squeeze his neck breaks, and his body is tossed in front of her and Thor, this isn’t real. Tears stream down her face as everything feels empty, she can’t of lost him again, she can’t go through that again. He sacrificed his life so that her and Thor may be spared.

This can’t be happening.

***

“Tony, don’t!” Rose screams as she watches him snap his fingers, and she sees the power scorch half his body and tears stream down her face. Rose stands and sprint towards him, seeing Aliens turning to dust around her, including Thanos. She kneels in front of Tony, “what did you do?” She cries, “I lost Loki I can’t lose you too.” She sobs as Rose helps him stand and move him. Pepper helps her set him down as the rest surround them. “Tony, please we’ll get you help we’ll-” But he cuts Rose off, “I’m proud of you tot. Love you kiddo,” He breathes, growing weaker. Everyone else’s words are nothing as she hears only blood rushing in her ears and her own rapid heartbeat, when his eyes close another scream erupts from her lungs. Sobs over take her as she completely loses herself.

Mom.

Dad.

Loki.

Tony.

She has absolutely nothing left, no one left. Besides Morgan, that’s all she has. Rose’s body shakes as she cries, her face on Tony’s shoulder. Her body may be working, and her heart pumping but she’s dead. Thanos took everything from her, everything. Rose digs her hands into her hair, and screams.

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what-ever-happened-to-chip · 3 years

Text

Part 4: Junkie

*insert story and whole memory montage of joni and jesse's life* (I'm writing it now, but to make it complete I would have to write a lot more so i'll slowly add in some shit about it to maybe inspire the mood)

For now,

HOLY SHIT, where was I? Christian? I need a cigarette, what's wrong with my body? Who am I? "Hello Gray" A ghostly smile was plastered on Christian's pale face. "Gray.....yes I'm...Gray? What did you just do to me? Where's Jesse?" "I gave you Joni's memories and of course to see a memory the way it really was perceived, you had to had to have lived it. You just lived Joni's entire life. And in tandum, her mind is melded with her brother's so you just indeed lived Jesse's life to. They're minds melded when they were about 14 so you saw them at the same time then. However once you 'became' Jesse as well you saw all his memories too. Quite the anamoly indeed." I couldn't think straight...or I could. I felt invaded, however I had let this parasite in. No..not parasite, but my mind did not only feel like mine. I felt like 3 people. "You're fucked up, i gotta go..." I knocked the chair over getting up and bee lined to the door. "Oh, but you'll be back" he warned with a sordid grin. Nothing around me looked new, but it's as if I had 3 perspectives of it, but they weren't separate. I was all of us. I was we. But I was only myself still. I understood Joni now and I wish I didn't. What was I thinking? I paced around looking at everyone with shifty eyes and desperately needing an escape? I'd never felt so trapped, but yet apathetic, but not -errr i don't know what i think. They think that. She thinks that. I think....jesus christ. What the fuck is wrong with me, i need something....I

"Oh there you are Gray, please come join us. Lana's observations have led us to discuss, why Jenn has a special hatred for our dear Yuna here." I stared at him too long and forced myselves through the motions of sitting down. "I don't believe Jenn hates me, she's much too kind for that. I know when people are in love they want to protect it and the rejection of feeling your love might be not completely genuine hurts very deeply. I don't want to make her feel that way" "Indeed so Yuna, however I think you just proved my argument right. Jenn wishes you were a bitch so she could hate you, but you make it rather impossible." Marcus grinned at her, was he flirting? I've never noticed flirting from a girl's perspective before. It made me uncomfortable. "Yeah, but you never answered why she wants to hate Yuna, I just don't get it!" lana said confused even though she had more information than anymore. "Shall you be the tie breaker Gray?" 6 sets of eyes all gazed over at him with anticipation. "Uhh...what am I voting on?" "We tryna figure out if that Jenn girl is a THOT or not!" Buddy clapped his big hands together, silently laughing at his own opinion. "Yeah me, Marcus, and obv Yuna don't think she is a bad person just.....yknow confused, but, Buddy, Rikku, and Jesse think she's a cunt... I mean bad person. yeah." I stared at Jesse and wanted to agree with him. At first glance it felt as if I was looking at a reflection. I also wanted to forgive woman? What? I guess I like Jenn....but is she a bitch? I can't stop thinking of calling her my chicka....what the fuck? What do I think. I thought I was confused before. Why do they care what I think of all times? "Oh my god! I told you that he had a crush on Jenn! See Yunie! they should totally date, he LIKES her" The room instantly grew quiet as loud stomps dominated the room. "Who the fuck has a crush on Jenn?" He scanned the room with murderous eyes. He stared at Marcus suspiciously longer than anyone, but landed on Gray. "Uhh hey man you got that hit you owe me...you....fucker?" Why was I saying the insult like a question. I have no idea how I talk. "You best stay the fuck away from her if you don't want me to kill your unborn children" That hit my chest heart, it hurt so deeply, yet I knew he had made that joke every day this week and it just meant kicking me in the nuts. The crotch. I had never once felt ashamed of having a penis, not once in my life, until now. But i didn't think that. She did. OR he. I was was having a very hard time finding deciding what 'I' thought. "Not if I do it first!" I yelled out impulsively. Is that what Jesse would say? That's so lame. Laughter burst out throught the room. I felt even more shame and wanted to say another self depricating joke just to get through it. I also wanted a drink reaaaaaally bad. Aiden looked even more suspicious at me. "Fuck you guys I got better shit to do" and with that I scurried away. As days went by I knew I was Gray again. I couldn't tell Joni what I did and she seemed none the wiser of my quiet acceptance of her. Jesse seemed more suspicious, but I knew now that his jokes most of the time were desperate paranoia to be in touch. I thought he was just a joker, but the new found knowledge I had made that simplification of him impossible. Like the lonely intimacy junkie I was I couldn't help it, but to want to see more lives now. Once again I was in the same position in Christians room, this time I sat across from him knee to knee with my palms up. He suggested since he had seen everyone's life that I should start with Yuna. How it felt to have to send Tidus for the 'greater good'. It seemed nice to think about it in a positive way and I was right. When I came back from Yuna's memories I had known pain, loss, and sorrow, but no matter what I had enjoyed everyone moment of life. She truly cherished every experience and every chance she had to be alive. She looked back on all her memories fondly because she got to live them. I was fine feeling the glow of Yuna's mind, but as with any high it wore off and I wanted more. Our sessions became more or less weekly as I let him shape me around the perspective of the comrades around me. Things got darker with Zack, but the integrity I felt and pride in my position made it all worth it. SOLDIER was my (his) life, yet it betrayed, used, and lied to him. It didn't matter what the organization had become SOLDIER was a code he took and vowed to keep to the end. To protect and serve mankind. To be a hero. I felt similarities in Rinoa's fighting spirit and the belief I had in myself with all her decisions. She really did like herself. She would think she was wrong for almost a split second and quickly decide she was right. It wasn't even her fault she had that big of an ego, she was taught to, yet despite it she rebelled for what she thought was right. Roxas proved to be more lonely, the loss of identity and the questioning of your own reality. With is, I saw Sora's too. The metaness of seeing memories through memories was not lost on me and added to a long state of confusion, when I became Gray again. The adventures of Zidane's rogue lifestyle, let me explore the world, feel things deeply, enjoy any piece of life you had, yet have the heart to mourn for important things and fight for truth. I now knew the appeal of cocaine for a performer. Marcus for the entirety of his life was utterly and completely pleased with himself. He hardly ever felt lonely, scared, or unsure, not in any existential way. The guy didn't even mind being dope sick, he reveled in the extremes of being in a human. He truly did believe Aiden was the most fascinating person he had ever met. He died almost as an inside joke to himself. Christian and I exchanged out quick goodbyes and spoke briefly of perhaps the next person he will show me. I left in a good mood. I safely made it out the door...or so I thought. Aiden burst out from down the hall and grabbed my arm and leaned in close to my face. He stared into my eyes long and hard in a way that made me feel terribly vulnerable. "So you went and saw Christian today?" "What do you mean? I mean yeah...I was looking for you man, back off what the fuck do you care?" "I think your a fucking idiot, but your life" "You hang out with him all the time so who are you to talk?" "yeah but what I do with bitch boy is a whole fucking other game to what you're trying to get off on. Dont' you see?! He'll give you sum chumps memories, all fun and games, but then he'll get bored. And by then you're probably hooked so he can stick his greasy fingers in you head and do whatever he wants. I'm sure he gave you Yuna's huh? How was being the happiest person ever? Or Aang? I bet that zen buddhist shit was real comforable. but just wait and then he'll give you something shitty ones like Tidus's. Ever thought about what a schitzophernic's brain looks like? Well i'll tell you what, it looks the same. From his point of view his life looked just as normal's as any fucker as boring as Jerry's" "Jerry?" "The dude my mom fucked. Oh you'll find out soon the way you're going. But you know what? When you get to be Gray again and know that you just lived the life of a crazy dude and no one believed you even though he or YOU knew you weren't crazy. Well jokes on you, turns out you were. You'll never forget understanding that fucker. Or maybe Gaara might be a blast. 12 years of complete anguish and loneliness, the pain, the need...the need....." He closed his eyes and started rocking back and forth, grabbing at his hair and scratching his temples. He was starting to sound pretty nuts, which didn't bother me usually, but this time I was terrified. Terrified, because for the first time since i've known the guy his paranoid, weirdo, bullshit that I always wrote off as crazy, was now starting to make sense to me. "I dont' give a fuck if you fuck up your life holding hands with faggot boy, but I won't have you get in the way of mine. You think Christian's a saint? A fucking weird, but thoughtful guy that helps you understand your friends and gets Aiden get his memories he forgot back?" The more he started saying his own name like it was a strangers, the tenseness in the atmosphere grew. I wanted him to stop talking, I didn't want him to do anything to risk what I wanted to keep doing, but if he disillusioned me how could I continue? " Yeah fucking right. Sure he'll give him back his memories (the him being Aiden himself), but not after he jumbles a bunch of random people's realites in there with them and have me guess which ones are mine. But I don't have to guess, I know the ones that are mine. Because they are the worst thing some one could ever do. If any of those good memories were mine, I wouldn't have forgotten them." Maybe Joni was wrong, if he goes through that every day he must be trying to make things right. Forgetting might be easier, but he takes the bad to have the good. "But if I see everyone's memories. I did everything. Meaning I did nothing. I don't know what bad things I did, so how's any of it my fault. Anyone's memory looks the same as mine. Aiden's memories are his fault. I didn't do them. All i know is what I know. Nothing. Everything. I'm no one but who I want to be. I just want one thing. But i can't have that one memory, I need all of them or else I am what I did. And I won't be him. I won't." Holy shit Joni was right, he's totally checked out. Pretending he isn't his own reality. I pondered about how delusional Jenn was about him. Was that her naturally or did Christian doctor her mind for the benefit of his friend. She's alive right so it doesn't matter he killed her? That's insane. It's all fucked up. I never wanted to think about these things in so much detail. "I got it dude, i'm done" He smiled for a second than decided to take the more stoic route and with dead eyes mutterred, "It will never be done" With that he pulled his jacket tight to his body as if giving himself a hug and stormed off.

#cheeseskittles

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