#and i KNOW this is negative unhealthy thinking i just. need to say it ig | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crowstan · 3 years

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Sanders Sides post except I haven't seen it before

Ok this post is inspired by an absolute flood of Patton and Logan in a skirt, on my Instagram, which was not anything related to any of the dnd or homestuck tags but whatever. That whole mess that happened yesterday inspired this, because as y'all know: I love analyzing things weirdly and what is blogging but analyzing your own thoughts in an odd way? Anyway, spoilers ahead because this is what I've unfortunately been leaked, which means I got this stuff via spoilers.

What is Sanders Sides? So, I actually have no idea and I want to go in bare bones because. I never get to go in with little info. All i know is that it's by Thomas Sanders (he apparently does have a tumblr, I did not look up what it was because, once again, trying to get the barest and best experience I can and I worry that may taint it in some way). All I know about Thomas is that he did vines that I really like and that he has his pronouns in all of his bio's, which so far makes him very ok in my books because I have not met one person who is in any way harmful to others who has their pronouns in their bio. Then again i don't see it often anyway but regardless. And that's literally all I know about him and Sanders Sides, so. Stuff that I have worked together with the unhealthy amount of spoilers I didn't willing get that made me want to make this. -They are all symbolic or are humanoid versions of like, different parts of someone? They're also color coded which my little color coding heart loves sm! There's morality, creativity, creativity #2: electric boogaloo, logic, anxiety, and deciet which may also be denial? not sure about the last bit. -Morality's (moralities?) name is Patton, and his color is light blue. He is the dad character and is bad with any "negative" feelings, which, mood. He is one of the sides i saw in a skirt and may be my favorite possibly, simply bc I Do Not Have Good Male Figures and he's a dad character. Name a better duo than good dad characters and my lack of any positive guys in my life that aren't my age. He's part of the "core four", whatever that means. Really likes animals? I mean that does make sense bc, morality, but also that's different for each person. overall conclusion: now my dad. (/j) -Next up: Anxiety. Name is Virgil (?), color is a shade of purple. Don't know what one bc purple is one of those colors i can't remember too well. Seems like how I imagine my anxiety but a little less focused on death. I would befriend him were in not for the fact I Cannot approach people unless I'm actually dying and even then I can't. Apparently was a "dark side" at some point but now isn't? Redemption ark ig, idk what a dark side is or if it would be equivalent enough with "evil" to have that be a redemption ark. Final conclusion: wait, is that me but cis and let loose in a hot topic? -Creativity #1. Name is Roman, color is red I think. A prince character, and I'm not sure what else to add. I think he is a theatre fan, amd also I would avoid him at all costs because as friendly as he is, we don't have the same vibes and i would panic. Definitely drinks his "respect women" juice, and it's actually "respect women" juice n not whatever the hecc it is that people who /say/ the drink "respect women" juice drinks. he'd go out of his way to make sure your drink doesn't get spiked. this man is hella good, 10/10, would trust but not talk to. -Creativity #2, apparently the brother of Roman? His name is Remus, color is green, and i say this with my full heart: I love him. he seems like the kind of person who barked at people in middle school bc he thought he was a werewolf. who drank an entire bottle of glue in kindergarten at had to go to the hospital and did it again. he's the kind of person who would offer you up a worm and tell you disturbing facts about animals and then go off and play his little games he made up with twisted scenarios. and you know what? that's amazing and i absolutely love that so much. I know nothing about him except he eats deodorant and is the embodiment of intrusive thoughts and "oh god /why/" scenarios you thought of for some reason. -Logic. Name is Logan, ah, really similar to what he represents but I mean, still a very good name. His color is dark blue, aka my favorite color besides dark grey. Really likes jam? I feel like this man has read the dictionary and has "different vocabularies" he uses for different events and people, which may be a self projection but. Def Ravenclaw vibes bc!! hear me out!! not stereotypes!! I feel this man, the literal *embodiment* of logic, would value learning and knowledge which is part of what makes a ravenclaw! so it is not self projection, it is *knowledge* (/hj). that's it, i would absolutely love to debate him sm but i feel like that would be similar to that time i talked about Quadrants with a friend for an hour and they had no idea what was going on at all.

-Last one, deceit/denial. I don't know if he's denial as i got that from a little comic that i thought was funny because it had a pun. His name is Janus (don't know how to pronounce it, been saying it like Jay-Nuhss), and his color is yellow. apparently part snake or something and!! I love snakes. Apparently was in a courtroom at one point, and we all know those are fae territory, so possibly a fae (hj). apparently has multiple arms!! which does not fit in with the snake bit, as snakes have zero arms, but regardless still cool! I know the least about him, and I'm definitely looking forward to watching him!! i love snakes sm.-

moving on from the sides slightly, apparently there's another one, who's color is orange! from someone who vaguely knows about colors but knows enough that each side more or less relates to their color, i have no idea what this side could be! best guess is it's just Thomas in a top hat. I never learned about orange because orange, yellow, some reds, and some blues are very stabby to my eyes and i will get a headache so I just. never learned it. why would i learn about a color i literally can't look at without my eyes hurting? I do know orange is a caution color, and in nature it cam be found on dangerous stuff as a "stay away!" color, and pared with black it doesn't kill my eyes and those are the Halloween colors. So maybe caution? Or some dangerous thing? It doesn't make sense, as those aren't really "sides" in the traditional sense, nor with anxiety being a sort of "caution" thing. Anyway, I would need more info on orange and, depending on how the orange color is, i may react more negatively. Like with blue Christmas lights.

-there are lots of puns!! i love puns!! i don't take the opportunity to make many, but i love them sm. just like snakes! and cats! in fact i actually know a lot about cat behavior

lmao that's literally all i have, I'll go watch the whole series and also talk about that later in smaller posts, each post being one or two episodes depending on how long it is

(ah jeez it got all messed up again, under maintenance!! sorry about that!! the tags got all mixed around too!!)

(update #2: still messed up but I'll need to not use my tablet to fix it, which i can't do rn! sorry y'all :(!! )

#oh yeah my brain makes the wrong soup a lot!! yeah I've kinda adapted to it no worries!#oh ok! i hope you... brain makes better soup.#and then you get a feeling of #sanders sides #ts spoilers #i dont know if im tagging these right?#i sure hope i am #spoilers are not good for your soul unless you want them!#also format is funky #that's because i had to write it in note #on my tablet #and post this using the desktop version of tumbler #also on my tablet #which is really buggy and likes to mess things up a lot #date is December first 2020 #to be fair about sanders sides i have never actually watched it but I've seen a lot of it and seeing patton in a skirt?#listen #*everyone* looks good in a skirt ok #it just clicked that it was thomas sanders #and i loved his vines #and imo that is hella quality content and so? i had to watch #weird ass logic but i mean. pretending my anxiety is just my a humanoid version of my brain and it keeps making soup #but the bad kind of soup #helps me somehow #and them i immediately panic and have a small lock down about the interaction #did they understand what i meant?? did i confuse them?? am i faking it?? isn't it more of a gravy?? what if they hate me?? oh no they're pr #n then oh n o" for the next five hours #or until something like that happens again #which it will #because it simply *will not* shut up

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hopeshoodie · 3 years

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Please feel free to ignore this guiltilyless, but you mentioned you had low self esteem among other problems and I was wondering how you got out of that? I know you accepted your physical appearance but I was wondering if that also applied to the just feeling bad about yourself in general? I know this is personal but I want to know other people experience with this

No worries <3 I’m always down to talk about heavy stuff with yall. I put in a cut, caution for negative self-talk and mental health issues below.

I feel like it’s important to note that like… I still feel bad, all the time. Most of it is resenting myself for my education/career choices and poor coping mechanisms for mental illness, it’s just that none of it is directed towards my appearance.

I have a weird relationship with self-worth, because a lot of my internal narrative is ‘you had so many opportunities and you fucked them all up, you’re not worthy of the privileges you have’, but then if someone else were to say that to me it would be like ‘fuck you! People don’t have to be successful to be worthy of dignity and peace!’ Like my self-worth is really affirmed through antagonism and de-personalization. Chalk that up to being a former swer or Marxist, ig. But I feel like just because I’ve gotten over my obsession with being pretty and having a good body doesn’t mean I’m at all out of ~hating myself~.

But I did manage to conquer my low self-esteem about my appearance through body neutrality. For me, being able to say “I don’t need to have a positive or negative relationship with my body. My body isn’t supposed to be ugly or pretty, it’s supposed to get me from point a to point b.” was lowkey revolutionary. It changed how I work out- I focus on strength training instead of fat reduction- and how I talk about my physical appearance. Plus a big thing was just… Not putting on makeup and wigs every day.

It sounds like you’re looking for broader coping mechanisms than that, though. I’ve struggled with this thing in therapy quite a bit where I can intellectualize that something is true, but I don’t feel it in my gut. Like I KNOW my trauma was not my fault, but it didn’t FEEL like it. I KNOW all people have intrinsic value, but it didn’t FEEL like that applied to me. Obviously that still happens with other things, but some coping mechanisms I use are:

De-personalization: reframe your thinking by asking yourself ‘if someone else called some random girl ugly/worthless/asking for it, I would disagree’ You are that kid. You gotta parent and defend yourself better.

Asking myself what I’m getting out of the unhealthy thinking pattern/coping mechanism. In school when I went through my ‘not like other girls’ phase, my low self-esteem reinforced that there was a reason I was so lonely. But once I started to get over that phase and recognizing that I could have friends who were just as cool as me, that went away. For the appearance thing in my teens, I was obviously getting my financial independence and self-worth through being attractive. So when I stopped ‘getting’ that out of it, it was easier to stop the unhealthy thinking.

Refusing to make self-deprecating jokes. I’m probably really annoying, but if people around me (or I catch myself) make a self-deprecating joke or a joke like ‘I’ll just become a stripper’ I stop them and explain that either 1. Sex work is hard and by joking about it as a last resort you’re stigmatizing it for current swers and normalizing it to people who might think of it as an easy job or 2. Our brains can’t tell the different between negative jokes and negative statements so if you make su*cide jokes or call yourself stupid your brain registers that as true. I’ve really worked to replace all of these kinds of jokes with absurdist jokes instead, so no one gets hurt including my brain. So instead of saying ‘ugh x happened I’m the worst’ I’ll say ‘ugh x happened, I’m going to build a tower of hats and live on the top of it.” Or instead of saying “I’ll just drop out of school and become a stripper lol’ I’ll say ‘lol guess I’ll just commit tax fraud : ))))” Just in general stopping all negative self-talk was much easier for me than doing positive self-talk.

Above all else, therapy. I know that’s hard because finding a good therapist is damn near impossible and most people don’t have the financial resources to, but if your school/insurance has the opportunity to do it, take it. It might seem like ‘oh nothing happened to me I just feel ugly sometimes” but like… That’s what therapy is for.

Idk if any of this was helpful but here’s some disorganized thoughts lmfao

#not lithegame #anne lore

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gamerwoo · 4 years

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[SF9 Imprinted] Zuho: Scary

Anonymous asked: Zuho, something fluff ig but i cant think of something specific 😅

Anonymous asked: Can I request an imprinted thing for Zuho? Preferably fluffy ending but with angst at the beginning? Maybe with the mate being terrified of him when they find out he’s a werewolf, but they’re trying to be okay with if? Then something happens where the mate is in danger and he saves them and then they start to trust him more? Is that too specific? 😬

Characters: Zuho x female reader

Genre/warnings: werewolf au, college au, angst, fluff, small mention of homophobia at the beginning, alcohol, drugs, idk just a lot of like stereotypical partying stuff and sad shit

Word count: 5,589

Summary: Juho knew that imprinting wouldn’t necessarily be easy since nobody believed in werewolves, but he didn’t expect it to be this difficult. It wasn’t that you didn’t believe in them -- you very much did -- you were just terrified of getting close to him. He assumed you were afraid of him because he was a werewolf, but it was much more than that.

a/n: i’ve written the “mate is afraid of werewolves” trope like, way too much, so i did edit the idea quite a bit. there is angst and fluff, and reader is kinda scared in a way, but it’s not exactly what was requested but i hope it’s still fine lmao (and if the storyline seems familiar it’s because i kinda yoinked what i had done for minho before bc i thought that would fit pretty well)

Previous | Next | Imprinted Masterlist

“What are you doing?” Juho demanded. He was damn near ready to rip Chani’s head off when he saw you lean over and peek out from behind the younger boy. His expression softened for a moment as he saw how wide your eyes got, but he had to focus on Chani. The pup was the reason he was sent out, anyway. “You have school today, you idiot.”

“Juho--”

“You can’t just run away whenever you feel like it, y’know.” Juho continued, scolding the younger boy like a parent would. He stopped when he was in front of Chani, but his attention was mostly on you in his peripherals. He could see the way you played with your fingers and seemed like you wanted to sneak away while he was distracted. “Your grades will slip, your parents will start suspecting things, and--”

“Calm down,” you mumbled, wanting to stick up for Chani but also worried about drawing attention to yourself. You had never been afraid of anyone or anything, but you were afraid of Juho -- just not for the reason one might expect. “The kid needed a break.”

Chani frowned, mumbling, “Don’t call me that.”

Juho’s eyes flickered between you and the younger boy, “A break from what?”

“Some kid was giving him and Hansol shit,” you explained as Chani’s cheeks heated up from embarrassment, “and Chani almost shifted on him for picking on his mate. He came to me because I’m the only one that actually listens to his problems.”

“We listen!” Juho insisted. “And...since when are you and _____ friends anyway, huh?”

You gave Juho a look like you weren’t buying that statement, “You were just accusing him for ‘skipping school for no reason’.”

It was times like this when Juho realized you definitely weren’t the bad person everyone seemed to think you were -- as if you being afraid wasn’t a giveaway that you actually had feelings. You were a good person with – from what he could tell – good intentions, that made poor choices. He still didn’t know why you made those choices, but he wasn’t giving up on his mission to find out. But that would have to wait until after he got you to trust him.

Juho sat in the grass across from the two of you, letting his backpack fall from his shoulders, “What was he picking on the two of you for?”

“For the exact reason you think: we’re dating,” he mumbled, staring at his lap. “And I’m not embarrassed by him or that we’re dating, I just don’t get why people have to be so...I dunno.”

“I know, people can be really ignorant,” the older wolf sighed after Chani sat down beside him in the grass -- you stayed standing. “I’m glad you don’t feel anything negative about imprinting on Hansol. Love is love no matter what, and there’s nothing wrong with you and Hansol being together. Did he say anything back?”

“I left before he could say anything,” Chani sighed, toying with his fingers. “If I stayed any longer, I would’ve shifted. I was shaking so much…”

“Well, I’m not happy you ditched school, but I’m glad you made it here and calmed down,” Juho nodded, reaching over to place a hand on Chani’s shoulder. Then he looked at you, his brown eyes giving you a grateful look. “Thanks, _____.”

You just shrugged, “Don’t thank me, I do this all the time.”

Juho turned back to Chani, “I’ll bring you home when I’m done with classes, okay?”

“I’ll keep an eye on him,” you promised.

“No, you’re going to class,” he stated, giving you a hard look so you knew he wasn’t backing down. “Inseong’s tutoring in the library until 4pm, so Chani can go sit with him.”

You scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest, “Since when do you think you’re the boss of me, Baek Juho?”

After the whole car incident, Juho was surprised that you’d stand up to him like that. He’d always known you were typically snarky and stubborn with a bad attitude, but he also knew you were afraid of him. You avoided him like the plague, and especially after punching Inseong’s car right in front of you, he hadn’t seen you even on campus for two weeks. So...maybe you weren’t afraid of him? Or maybe Chani had helped him out and put in a good word?

He still was’t even sure when Chani befriended you.

“She sure told you,” Chani chuckled, making you smirk.

Juho frowed, grabbing the back of Chani’s neck and beginning to push him back toward campus, “Just get to class!”

After bringing Chani home, Juho went home to take a quick nap before he started his homework. Well, “quick nap” ended up lasting five hours. When he woke up, he just felt something…off. It was a typical feeling he got with you as a mate, but it never failed to make his heart race as he was always worrying that you were in danger.

You were a “bad girl” type. You drove a motorcycle, you skipped class, you smoked and drank and you were rumored to do drugs -- which Juho found out was true but it was never anything hard. Actually, the first time Juho met you, he thought you were trying to sell drugs to Hyunggu from Hui’s pack. And that day, after the two of you made eye contact, you turned and booked it in the other direction. He knew you knew what he was, and he knew you were afraid.

“Going out to to find _____?” Dawon guessed as Juho rushed to put his shoes on by the door.

“Don’t wait up.” he joked lightly as he left the house.

He followed the pull as he drove, leading him to some frat house that was clearly having a party. He should’ve known you’d go out on a Friday night, but he ended up sleeping for too long and couldn’t stop you from going. Now, he’d have to find you in the party and fight you to go home.

He went inside, trying to keep to himself, as he just wanted to get you and get out. The crowd was bigger than it usually was, but he knew he could find you just from the pull – normally, he could also just track you with your scent, but it was difficult to pick out over the alcohol and drugs, though it was still faintly in his nose.

After a few minutes of searching, he finally found you in the middle of the sweaty bodies that were gathered to dance in the living room. You smelled strongly of weed and alcohol, but he was just glad you weren’t passed out or something.

It made him kind of sad he only ever saw you smiling and carefree at parties. He wished he could have fun with you and make you smile like this, but it was hard when you actively avoided him and seemed to have fear in your eyes whenever you saw him.

He frowned as he grabbed your wrist and started bringing you to the exit, feeling a bit bad that he was going to be the cause of the smile being wiped from your face.

“Hey!” you whined when you felt yourself being dragged away from your “friends”. You looked up and saw it was Juho, and you tried your best to pull away. “Hey! Juho! Let me go!”

“You know you shouldn’t be here,” he sighed, knowing he sounded more like a parent than anything else. “I’m bringing you home, _____.”

You figured a werewolf would be more fun; more daring. Why was Juho being such a killjoy?

“Whyyyyy?” you groaned, dragging out the last letter until Juho had to turn around and put a hand over your mouth.

It was high time Juho worked this out with you. How long had he been chasing after you and trying to get you to like him? And he was still nowhere near getting closer to you. He wanted to know why you did bad things like party an unhealthy amount and rely on getting high to feel happy. He knew you weren’t a bad person, so why would you do bad things?

“When I get you home, we’re having a talk,” he stated, indicating he’d have no backtalk about it. He turned back around, this time holding your waist firmly as he guided you out, supporting most of your weight as you wobbled. “I’ll have somebody come pick up your motorcycle.”

“No, I wanna--”

Before you could finish your slurred protest, Juho had turned around, and easily held you over his shoulder, carrying you to his car. You didn’t even bother saying anything, your body hanging limply as he walked. Part of you actually enjoyed the closeness, and you found yourself pouting when he put you down.

“What?” he asked at your expression as he opened the car. “Is this about your bike?”

“No,” you huffed, crossing your arms over your chest.

“So what’s the problem?”

“You let me go!”

He blinked a few times as he processed your words, and then the corners of his mouth tugged up in a smile, his inner wolf rumbling with joy, “I’m sorry. Get in the car, okay?”

You complied, letting him help you just because you liked the tingles his skin left on yours before he buckled you up and closed the door. Once he got in on his own side, he started up the car. You shifted in your seat, pulling your knees to your chest while you stared at him. Maybe if you knew how good it felt to have him touch you, you wouldn’t be so afraid.

No, you’d be even more afraid. You were just too drunk to remember why you avoided Juho.

“Yes?” he chuckled as he pulled away from the side of the road and started toward your apartment.

“How do you always find me?” you wondered.

He reached over to pat your knee, “We’ve already had this conversation, _____.”

Before he could take his hand back, you grabbed it and held in in your own. While Juho’s eyes widened, and he let out a soft, involuntary purr, you didn’t see the big deal in your sloppy mindset.

“What’s this for?” he wondered, his cheeks staining pink.

“I like when you’re close to me,” you admitted with a hiccup at the end that made Juho smile. “Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not,” he promised, though he was laughing when he spoke, “I just think you’re being cute.”

“I’m cute?” you repeated, to which he nodded. “Nobody’s ever called me that… Huh…”

Juho glanced over at you, and saw you were smiling to yourself. He just left the conversation there, wanting to get you home as quickly as possible, and it was better if you were in a good mood.

Once at your apartment building, Juho parked his car where he usually did, and called Youngbin to pick up your motorcycle as he carried you on his back up to your floor. He unlocked the door for you as you softly played with his hair, the smile never leaving his face. Finally inside, he carefully set you down on the floor.

Your apartment was extremely small. It was a tiny studio apartment, so your bedroom, living room, and kitchen were all one room. You were thankful you at least had a bathroom, but you didn’t even have a tub – just a very small shower that didn’t even have hot water half the time. You worked one job that wasn’t very good – if you didn’t count the dealing you did on the side – and you were also trying to go to college in an attempt to turn your life around. You were lucky enough to even get this place. You were just happy you weren’t homeless.

“Youngbin’s getting your bike, and he’ll park it in the parking garage.” he told you as you stumbled your way toward your small dresser. “Where’re you going?”

You yanked open one of the drawers before tossing your tight crop top off of your body, letting it drop haphazardly to the floor. Juho just watched, shaking his head as you somehow almost fell over trying to get a over-sized t-shirt out of the drawer.

He walked up to you in only a few steps, taking the shirt from you and turning it right-side-out, “Arms up.”

You complied willingly, enjoying the feeling of having someone care for you. Juho smiled fondly at you as you just stood in front of him in your shorts, and a black bra. He figured he would’ve felt sort of weird being around you while you were half-naked, but he didn’t really care. He just saw it as him taking care of you.

He pulled the shirt over your head before he went into the bathroom in search of something to clean your makeup off your face. While he did that, you took your shorts off and sat down on the mattress, waiting patiently for him.

As soon as Juho sat down across from you, you closed your eyes so he could take off your makeup for you, “Why are you being nice to me? Don’t you hate me like everyone else?”

“I don’t hate you, _____.” he replied, softly wiping off your foundation when you released his wrist. “Don’t you hate me? You always seem so...afraid of me. Is it because I’m a werewolf?”

“No,” you mumbled, closing your eyes so he could clear off the eye makeup, “it’s not that you’re a werewolf. I’m afraid of how I feel.”

“How you feel?” he chuckled. “What does that mean?”

“I think I love you.”

Juho paused, pulling his hand away to look at you. You opened your eyes when you realized he wasn’t putting the wipe to your face again, but you didn’t understand the surprise and confusion on his face. You just stared back at him neutrally.

“You’re afraid that you love me?” he wondered quietly, his voice soft like a faint breeze in the middle of the night. “Why?”

You shrugged like a child, but your response was much less playful. “I've never felt the way I do about you toward anyone else. You make me feel...all weird. But a good weird, so that makes it bad. And you’re a werewolf which is supposed to be strong and cool and badass and like, that makes it even worse because I’m even more attracted to you because of it. I don’t wanna love anybody.”

“_____, why don’t you want to be in love?”

Instead of answering his question, you let out a huff. “Juho, you should go home.”

“I’m staying the whole night to make sure you’re okay in the morning,” he replied, taking the hint that you didn’t want to talk about it, and finishing wiping off your face instead. “Youngbin has to come get your motorcycle keys anyway.”

“But Juho--”

“No ‘but Juho’,” he said, cutting you off. “I don’t hate you, and I don’t care if you're afraid of your feelings for me. I can help you be better if you’ll let me.”

“If you get closer to me, you’ll just get your life ruined,” you blabbered, tripping over your own words as your emotions got the best of you – it didn’t help that you weren’t sober yet, either. “Why won’t you just listen to me?”

“Why don’t you?” he chuckled despite the fact you were clearly upset. “_____, I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. I know you know how imprinting works; I love you no matter what, and I always will. I just don’t like the things you do, but that can be changed.”

“What if it’s too late for me?” you asked, sniffling from the tears that started to fill your eyes.

“It’s not, I promise,” he told you as he stood up to throw the makeup wipe away. “Now lay down, okay?”

You sighed but did as he said, curling up like usual.

Juho was surprised you opened up, even if it was just a little bit. He was getting somewhere, so that was good. Not a lot of it made much sense to him, but it was still something. It also didn’t explain why you were always partying and getting high, but he was sure that would fall into place somewhere. He just had to be patient.

He walked over to the couch, figuring he could sit there until you fell asleep. However you waved him over despite the fact you didn’t even seem to want him to stay to begin with. You just couldn’t resist that feeling of having someone want you around. It was new for you, and you weren’t sober yet. Your mind wasn’t thinking right, so you just went with what your heart felt.

He sat on the mattress, leaning his back against the wall. You pulled him to lay down before laying your head on his shoulder and closing your eyes, deciding your mate was much more comfortable than the cheap pillows you slept on.

As Juho listened to your breathing, you listened to his heartbeat that lulled you to sleep. Juho looked down at your sleeping face, brushing some hair from it.

“I just want to help you, _____…” he sighed, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

It was too early for Juho to be having bad feelings. It was the middle of the day on a Thursday, why was he having bad feelings? He had to find out, so he left the campus to go to your apartment and check up on you.

Thankfully, your motorcycle was in it’s usual space, and he sensed your presence when he got to your door. He knocked, calling your name, but he got no answer. He could hear your heartbeat, but he still panicked, knowing you could’ve passed out or something.

He managed to get the door open without using his strength to break it -- your apartment wasn’t really the best or safest place -- and almost cried when he saw you standing in the kitchen with a bowl in one hand, and a lighter in the other. The room was full of smoke, and completely smelled like weed, but fuck, you were okay.

“_____,” he sighed in relief as he closed the door and walked over to you quickly, “why aren’t you at work?”

You just shrugged, putting the bowl back to your lips. Juho quickly pulled it away from you, noticing your bloodshot eyes, and the way they didn’t completely focus on him when you looked at him. There was no doubt in his mind you were completely baked, but he’d never seen you this high, even at a party.

“Don’t shrug at me, give me answers!” he demanded, gripping your shoulders, looking at you with worry. “What happened?”

“I got fired, okay!” you burst, shoving him away angrily. “I had to sell at work because I have no fucking money, and somebody got mad at me because I wouldn’t sell their shit to Chani. They snitched on me to my boss, so I got fired. And now…”

As you spoke, your anger dissipated to fear and sadness. You shook your head, covering your face while you squeezed your eyes shut to keep the tears that filled your eyes from spilling over. This one time, you couldn’t keep your tough front up, and it both frightened and worried Juho. He’d never seen you really cry until now, and he’d never heard your voice break like it had. He’d seen you afraid before, but never this kind of scared or upset.

“I’m going to be homeless, Juho.” you laughed weakly, rubbing your glassy eyes before you looked at up at him. “I’m broke. I fucked up again, and for the second time in my life, I’ll be homeless.”

Second? Juho shook his head, realizing that wasn’t the big issue here. The issue was getting you to come down, and calm down. He took your hand, bringing you to the couch with him to sit. You continued to wipe under your eyes to keep tears from falling, but you’d swipe away the ones that managed to escape, hoping Juho didn’t notice.

But he did notice. He noticed how your lower lip quivered, and your hands shook, and your expression tried to play it off like it was some kind of dumb joke but your eyes were full of fear and uncertainty. It scared him to see you so vulnerable, but he knew this was a step in the right direction.

“_____, listen to me,” he said softly, cupping your face in his hands, forcing you to look into his eyes, “everything will be okay.”

You scoffed, shaking your head as you continued to play it off like everything was okay – something you wouldn’t have been able to manage if you weren’t on drugs that always made you feel giggly, “No it won’t. I know I fucked up, and I know this is a sign that I’ll always be how I am.”

“That’s not true. You can change, you just need help,” he insisted.

You just snorted, pushing his arms away, “I wanna do it on my own. I’ll drag you down with me.”

He sighed deeply, realizing he had to just have this talk with you, “_____, you have to tell me where all of this is coming from. Why do you think so lowly of yourself?”

So you broke and told him, giggling through the whole thing because you found it all funny in a sick, twisted way. You and your life was just one giant shit show, and that was why you didn’t want to fall in love with anyone. You knew you’d ruin that poor person’s life because you were a walking train wreck that couldn’t be fixed. Your parents were killed in a car crash, but none of your family wanted to take you in. Your grandparents were too old to care for you, and your aunt and uncle had kids of their own. They planned on putting you up for adoption, so you ran away before they could. You were on your own at fifteen, going to different women and children shelters until you’d overstayed your welcome. You graduated high school at seventeen, somehow managing to pass your classes. You got accepted to a university because you managed to keep your grades up, but you didn’t have the money to support yourself. That was when you started selling drugs for a girl that stayed at the shelter you were staying in at the time.

From there, you built a name for yourself, and eventually stemmed away from her to do your own thing. You managed to get an apartment – a shitty one, but still your own place – before you landed the job taking orders and answering the phone at a rundown pizzeria nearby. And that was where you were up until the very moment you were fired. After that, everything you slowly built up, while it was very small things to anybody else, came crashing down.

Juho listened to your story without interruptions, though he didn’t like the way you kept laughing and crying at the same time. He almost thought you were hysterical, but you still kept your cool and never panicked.

At the end, he shook his head, missing one thing, “So…why do you go party and get high all the time?”

“Coping,” you shrugged, like it was no big deal. “When I do that, I don’t have to think about…this.” you said, gesturing around you. “My life’s completely fucked, Juho. Who would want this?”

While you giggled about your joke of a life, Juho chewed on his lip, trying to think of the best actions to take. He’d definitely have to bring you to his place, though he knew that the alpha wouldn’t be the happiest about it since Ellie was living with them now. But where did he go from there? There was hardly room for his pack of nine plus Inseong’s mate. How would they fit another person?

“I’ll fix this,” Juho nodded, speaking to both you and himself.

“Stop trying to fix things for me,” you muttered, reaching for the bowl he had put on the coffee table. “I told you that I don’t want to fall in love, and you hanging around isn’t helping that. I’m a lost cause anyway.”

“You,” he began sharply, taking your hand reaching for the drugs, and forcing you to look at him again so you’d know he was serious, his eyes turning a bright red that almost hypnotized you, “are far from a lost cause. I will help you, even if it’s the last thing I ever do. And I don’t care if you don’t want to fall in love because you’re afraid that you’ll sabotage yourself. I’m not going anywhere. In fact, the first thing I’m doing is bringing you to my place.”

So he picked you up on his back, and brought you to his car. He figured your bike would be safe in the garage until somebody came back for it, so he left with the few clothes you had, and whatever small number of other belongings you had.

You were still completely baked when you got to Youngbin’s, and the wolves’ noses scrunched up before you even entered. When they saw you, they finally understood where the smell was coming from.

“Why would you bring her here like that?” Inseong demanded. “Ellie’s upstairs, and--”

Juho told you to go to the only bedroom in the apartment before he explained the situation to his pack. They had to admit, they felt bad previously judging you, so they let Juho do whatever he had to do.

After Juho got you a bottle of water, he went to check on you. You were staring at the bed like you were staring at buried treasure. He just stood beside you, watching you until you finally noticed his presence.

“Do you see this?!” you gasped, gesturing to the bed. “You have a bed frame! Holy shit, you guys are like, loaded!”

He chuckled, opening the water bottle for you, “Sure, _____. Drink some water, please.”

You took the bottle without complaint since you were starting to get cotton mouth. You drank almost half the bottle before handing it back and flopping down on the bed. Juho screwed the cap back on as he sat beside you, trying to think about what to say next.

“I know I’ll regret this when I’m sober,” you said out of nowhere, staring at the floor like you were spaced out. Juho just looked at you, waiting for you to continue. You looked over at him, your eyes still bloodshot and glossy. “Please don’t make fun of me for it later.”

“I never would,” he swore, placing a warm hand over one of yours. “But you need to stop running away from me to try to save me or yourself or whoever. I’m going to love you no matter what, and I want to help you get better.”

“It’s not the help,” you shook your head, “it’s the getting close to people. If my family didn’t want me…I can’t see why you would.”

“Well, I do,” he stated surely, moving his hand off of yours in favor of putting an arm around your shoulders and pulling you to his side. “You’re always taking gambles; doing things you shouldn’t do. Consider this a gamble.”

“My biggest one yet,” you giggled, back to your drug-induced self.

“Alright, you need to sleep this off,” he decided, gently guiding you to lay down. “I’ll check up on you soon, okay?”

You were almost giddy from getting to sleep in a bed that was off the floor. Juho tucked you in before pressing a kiss to your forehead, “Come find me if you need anything.”

“Thanks, Juho.”

“Anything for you.”

Juho opened the door as soon as you sat up, looking around the room. Unfortunately, you remembered everything, and you were immediately embarrassed as soon as he entered the room. Your face heated up as you cast your eyes downward, but he was able to tell how you were feeling.

“We don’t have to talk about it, you know,” he told you, slipping into the room and closing the door behind him.

“So what, we just move on from it like it didn’t happen?” you asked with a scoff. “I know we have to talk about it.”

“I promise I won’t ever leave you,” he declared, sitting on the edge of the bed beside where you were laying. “I know it’s still scary for you, but you have to trust me. I’ll help you find a new job, I’ll help you find a place to live, and I’ll help you get sober.”

“What if I ruin your life too?” you asked quietly, staring at your lap that was still covered with a blanket.

“The only way my life can be ruined is if you leave it,” he said, giving you a warm half-smile. “You know, when you were drunk, you told me you liked being around me.”

Your cheeks blushed a deeper red, refusing to meet his gaze, “Well, drunk _____ also doesn’t make the best decisions. She’s not to be trusted.”

“I know you meant it. You feel the pull, _____. Don’t resist the puuuuull,” he sang playfully, leaning in as he tried to look at your blushing face.

You laughed, shoving him away lightly, “Dude, quit it!”

“I know you love the affection, _____. You fell asleep on me, you held my hand, and you complained when I didn’t carry you. Just…stop trying to keep me away. If I didn’t mean what I said, I would’ve given up already. I love you now, and I always will. I won’t go anywhere.”

You finally glanced up at him after a few moments of not saying anything, and just mulling over his words. He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“You better not tell anyone I was clingy,” was all you said.

“Are,” he corrected, brushing some hair from your face, and smirking when you leaned into his touch. “You are clingy. But I love it.”

A few months later, everything was different. You not only worked at a cute little boutique near campus, but you snagged a side job tutoring a few underclassmen since you were great with math after dealing drugs for those few years – and boy, did some of these kids pay well.

You were able to buy a nicer studio apartment in a better neighborhood – you still didn’t have a bed frame, but you had a decent mattress to sleep on – which made both you and Juho feel better about you living alone. You kept insisting on him moving in, but he refused until he managed to get a job to help pay rent.

“And where do you think you’re going, _____?” Juho smirked as he walked in on you checking yourself out in the mirror hung on your wall.

You spun around, raising an eyebrow as you slowly walked toward him hands on your hips, “Are you in charge of me?”

“Considering I can pick you up well over my head,” he hummed, shutting the door behind him as he entered, “I’d say I can. You promised to quit parties, _____.”

“I also promised to let Dawon borrow my motorcycle, yet that never happened either,” you pointed out. “It won’t be as bad if you come with me, right?”

Your mate made a face, his nose scrunching up at the mere thought of the scents that would attack his nostrils, “Still bad.”

Juho was not at all what you thought werewolves would be. He wasn’t dangerous or badass. He was a cat dad -- which was ironic since he was basically a giant dog -- who liked staying in and cuddling. He purred when you played with his hair, and his want for kisses never seemed to run out -- even if you did have a reputation to keep up. Juho was a soft and clingy werewolf, and you absolutely loved him more for it.

“I won’t bite this time!” you promised.

“Look, since you’re all dressed up,” he began with a smile creeping onto his face, “how about we go out tonight? We haven’t been on a date in a while.”

You couldn’t be happier with the way things were going with Juho. You wished you’d let him into your life properly a long time ago.

“Like where?” you quizzed.

“Where do you feel like going.”

“Party.”

He sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of his nose, “You’re impossible.”

“We already knew this, yes,” you nodded with a laugh. “C’mon, Juho, please?”

He groaned, rubbing his face with his hands, “For three hours, and you’re only allowed three drinks; no drugs.”

You grinned, grabbing his hand as you raced for the door, “Can we take my bike?”

“Can I drive?” he wondered.

You snorted as you dragged him to the stairs, thinking the elevator wasn’t fast enough for your liking, “No.”

He rolled his eyes playfully, matching his tone, “You love that bike more than me.”

“I love you way more, I swear,” you laughed.

Because you did, and you both thanked whatever greater power was out there that fate brought you two together.

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fatass-verified · 3 years

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Giving myself a reality check, it's probably triggering to some people so I wouldn't advise reading it

I mean like yeah I knew it was gonna be this much I knew I was eating too much I knew my weight would be this high and I know it's not out of the blue I know I did that to myself I knew when I was doing it and I didn't stop it IS my fault and I knew this was gonna happen but ig I deserve to feel even more disgusting than I already am maybe now I'll stop being a fatass pig and lose some weight... I need to get down to 50 this streak, I don't wanna see so 6s and I wanna see a zero, 50 is a long way down but I'm in no rush I have all the time I need I have a bit less than 3 months till my graduation (we won't be doing a graduation party at school but I really wanna go hang out with my friends after we're done with our exams) and like 3 months is... doable? I'm not sure, if I don't fuck up yeah it's doable but knowing myself it's gonna be hard, but I should punish myself idk I don't even wanna go to school from how fat I am of course I won't want to go hang out with my friends then if I'm still this fat, and so far every time I've hit my lw I celebrate and fuck up and gain EVERYTHING back so I don't wanna hit my lw I wanna see a thigh gap, when I do I'll be allowed to celebrate, anything before that will still be too much I'm not allowed to get happy over hitting my lw it's too high to celebrate anw and I've been at it three times already it's no celebration. I need my stash of... stuff lol off my phone like there's pictures and videos I need for the motivation, sadly I can't get them but like... idk, I don't think anything is gonna motivate me more than seeing my body at a weight I've never seen before, and a couple hundred grams under my lw ain't gonna do shit obv, I think 5 kg under my lw I'll be in a completely different body than I am now and that... I need that, I need to see that I need to feel that I need to live that... I need people to see me like that, I want to worry people when we go to do our exams, I want to see them before our three weeks off of school before the exams and then show up to the exams looking like a whole different person, I know three weeks isn't a lot but I feel like the lower my weight gets the more drastic the changes are the more I drop, and I'll probably need at LEAST a month and a half or two months to get to my lw from my weight now, so I don't think I'll hit 50 in one month but no one has ever seen me under my lw obviously and I feel like they won't notice I've lost weight until I get to a weight they haven't seen on me before... I want that more than anything... seeing 4 on my scale would be... better than being healthy, I'm at a point where I don't even wanna be healthy, will I die starving myself? I sure hope I do I don't care, what am I living for anyway, no one cares that I'm healthy, no one believes me when I say I'm not good anyway, the only time my family gave a fuck about my well being was when I was fasting, I lose color in my face when I fast and my eye bags get extra black so I LOOK like I'm sick, and they only believe I'm not good when they see it clearly on me, and I'm not good, yeah I've been doing my best making sure I include as much iron and vitamins as I possibly can and I'm definitely feeling better than I ever did, but I still have the same mentality I still don't wanna live, there's no point in getting healthy, they didn't believe me when I told them I'm not doing good back then, they didn't believe that the food I was eating wasn't giving me what I need, when I went vegan everyone told me I'm hurting myself cuz I won't be getting the nutrition I need, but look at me, healthier than ever, but no one sees that but me, and I don't want that for myself, I was getting healthy for them, cuz they gave me the impression that they wanted me to get healthy, but they don't care, I got healthy and they don't care anymore, I don't wanna be healthy but I enjoyed having someone care for me soo much I actually did it and got healthy, I did what they asked for when it was the thing I hated doing the most, but the care is gone now and I don't want that, I was happier when I was

unhealthy, and I want it back, I hate negative attention but I gotta learn to fucking love it, it's all I get so might as well enjoy it no? I'm just rambling cuz I'm mad, but yeah... I'm gonna match what I feel on the inside, I'm sick and tired of looking like that when my insides are rotting, I'm gonna rot, I'm gonna rot on the outside so no one can deny how much I'm rotting anymore, so no one can dismiss my pain, so they all see it and KNOW, I want them to know, I'm sick of pretending and they only believe what they see, I wanna show them how I feel, I wanna show them what's actually happening inside, will they care? Nah, but they won't be able to look me straight in the eyes anymore and tell me I'm doing just fine, they won't be able to look at me and think I'm fine, cuz I'm not, but they won't believe until they see and I'm gonna show them, I will, I promise

#meee #I remember when I thought I'll have a thigh gap and look skinny when I hit 54 kg #I'm terrified it'll be the same with 50 #like right now I feel like I'll look skinny when I'll be 50 kg #and back then I thought I would at 54 #and I don't look like I expected at 54 #maybe I won't look like I'm expecting at 50 #idk it's fucking with me a bit #but there's only one way to find out right?#gotta get to 50 and see for myself then #that's the only way I'll know for sure I guess

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tangerinegod · 4 years

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Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you!

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D.

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job!

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy!

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work.

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer..

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus!

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

#anon #ask #long post #im so so sorry this is like long as shit #ill literally tell you guys everything though art school should not feel like a mystery esp if ur planning to go into it!#Anonymous

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vcitrine · 4 years

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30 Day Thinspo Challenge

Yoooo. . . I haven’t been online in a few days, got a little busy. If anyone missed me, I’m sorry bout that lol. I’ll just try to get caught up.

Day 9: Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?

Oh for sure. The first time I could remember was in fourth grade, I think? And it was the same remark through middle school about how fat my thighs were. Not just schoolmates said it. Why oldest sister and mom even hinted at it with how they wouldn’t let me wear the same type of clothes other kids could wear because I had more fat than they did, which looked sluttier, ig.

Day 10: What was the hardest thing you gave up during this weight loss?

I can’t really think if much I gave up as far as food or drinks go, but, I’m unemployed because of the virus so I was selling my plasma twice a week regularly and I haven’t been doing much of that because I’m afraid of fainting while there but idk might go tomorrow anyway because I need gas money lmao.

Day 11: Your favorite thinspo blog and why.

I don’t wanna tag her because her blog isn’t weight loss/ed related, in fact, she claims to be recovered so I’ll leave her alone lol.

Day 12: What do you normally eat?

Mainly eggs. Also a big fan of spinach and craisons. I used to be a big green smoothie person before I moved because now I don’t have a blender lol.

My biggest food weakness is burritos. Like those huge ass burritos you get at like chipotle or costa vida. Those bitches have hella calories but everytime someone offers, I can’t say no :(. Not gonna lie, I had one this week while I was offline.

Day 13: Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?

Unhealthy for sure, sorry mom. I don’t have an ed but my diets are always unhealthy because for some reason (I’m lazy), I’m only able to lose weight when I restrict under 900 cals. When I first started losing weight, around grade eleven, I was eating near 800 cal everyday, even while in school.

Day 14: What’s you UGW? When do you expect to reach it?

My goal weight is like 117 llbs. I think it’s a realistic one for me, I could probably maintain that weight, it’s still considered a healthy bmi for my height, and I don’t think I’d have any health problems there.

Hopefully by this fall I’ll reach it! I could probably reach it sooner but I know damn well my friends and family love to socially eat and that fucks me up the most!

Day 15: Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?

Yes! I haven’t eaten meat for about 5 years now. At first I was vegan and I maintained my weight which I’m sure is because I mostly ate potatoes lol. But now I’m just vegetarian and I have more low carb options so that makes it easier for me to lose weight. Recommend for most people tbh, I love it and don’t miss meat at all. . . unless I start thinking about Wendy’s nuggets.

#tw #tw weight loss #diet #low cal #restrict #body #skinny #fat #thinspo #30 day thinspo challenge #not pro

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winchesternova-k · 4 years

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Why/how do you support "Dean" when he has nearly every major trait in which people dislike "John" for? And I genuinely have no aggression towards this question! I just want to get your take on this character.

tbh i rlly hate comparisons between dean and john fvgfvf bc i don’t think it’s fair when their dynamic is one of a victim and abuser but i’ll do my best to answer this fvgfvg idk how articulate i’ll be this bc i do have adhd. ik what i mean and i understand what my point is but whether anyone else will is anyone’s guess fvgfvg

largely in the early seasons dean’s picked up john’s toxic traits as a way of coping w his abusive/neglectful behaviour. in later seasons, dean doesn’t exhibit many of these traits in an unhealthy way, and when he does (which is rare) i usually put it down to the unhealthy coping mechanisms he has (more on that below) or bad writing bc there have been several times when i feel he’s been ooc (his early treatment of jack for example). there’s multiple posts abt these instances in my liveblog tag (“emily liveblogs spn”)

a lot of the issues i have w john stem from the way he puts his vengeance in front of his kids. dean never does that. in the recent seasons, there’s multiple occasions where he actually puts jack in front of his mission. john continually puts his kids in danger, on purpose. the episode w the strega comes to mind. he used his kids as bait and takes his anger out on dean when sam nearly gets killed. he doesn’t even tell them they’re bait. dean is absolutely terrified of sam getting hurt and of disappointing his father. i can’t remember dean ever doing anything like that to anyone let alone jack or ben.

john treats his kids like soldiers and possessions instead of y’know kids. he gives them “orders”. like parents obviously tell their kids what to do but this is whole different level tbh. they blame themselves when things go wrong bc “they didn’t follow orders”. there’s “wow maybe dad knew better and i should listen next time” and then there’s “dad gave me an order and things went wrong bc i ‘disobeyed’. i’m a bad person”. dean and sam experience the latter. on top of that when they disobey john gets rlly angry bc they’re not under his control. this is a classic abuser move and one that my abusers have used on me. dean doesn’t do this w anyone let alone any of the kids he’s been in charge of, including sam.

i mean dean straight up blames himself when they’re used as bait by demons to get to john in one episode. that’s not a reaction that comes from a healthy relationship. jack’s scared sometimes of disappointing his dads (and i think on one occasion of making dean angry), but dean’s v quick to reassure him that even if he’s done smth wrong they still care abt him. john never does that. and like i said, any negative thing resembling john w dean & jack’s dynamic i usually chalk up to bad writing bc parts of it are v inconsistent between eps and dean never acted this way before w ben. and that aside dean has no history of acting like john in those respects any other time.

when sam and dean need help, john doesn’t give it. he just lets them handle it alone, even when they think it could get them hurt, unless it could help w his overall vengeance. whenever someone needs dean’s help, he’s there. i’m rewatching s1 atm (coming straight off the back of not watching any spn for abt idk 3ish yrs, and then starting from last 2 eps of s12 to the most recent ep), and a major difference between dean and john is how they r towards sam. when sam wants to leave, john shouts at him and guilts him into staying and even disowns him. dean is clearly upset and short w him but he tries to be supportive. he doesn’t know what to say and ultimately he’s honest abt how he feels but he doesn’t want to make things hard for sam or hurt him or drive him away like john. he doesn’t want to control sam like john does. he just wants his brother around, but accepts that sam wants things to be different. ultimately i think if sam had gone back to college he would’ve accepted it and gotten used to a more functional relationship. that’s not to say that the winchester brothers relationship is healthy in early seasons bc it’s not. their relationship formed when they were being abused/neglected and dean literally raised sam, and he doesn’t rlly know how to get along w/o sam which is rlly rlly toxic. but it improves over the yrs bc neither of them want to keep living in that unhealthy cycle

w ben, his parenting model w him is completely different to john’s. he tries to keep him out of danger to the point of trying to keep him from knowing the truth until he absolutely has to. when he does the wrong thing by ben (which i’ll admit like john, is usually out of fear) he apologises and tries to make sure he doesn’t do it again. john never does either of these things.

idk if ur talking abt his drinking, etc.? if that’s (partly) what this is abt, they’re unhealthy coping mechanisms that dean has developed bc he doesn’t know how else to deal. he doesn’t do therapy and the influential figures in his life coped this way (bobby, john, etc.) and he would’ve copied it.

mostly i think john doesn’t want to improve. dean does. dean doesn’t want to hurt the ppl he loves and when he does he apologises, even tho it takes a while. that last part is smth i relate to as an abuse survivor, bc abuse makes it hard to admit when ur wrong bc it will be used against u, smth we know for a fact john did w both sam and dean. john is shown to care less abt hurting ppl he cares abt than whatever he’s chasing and i think he apologises like once? in the entire show. i mean dean even knows when he’s being possessed by a demon bc john’s nice to him and tells him he’s proud. sam even says he feels like nothing he ever does is good enough bc of john (smth i also experience due to abuse and neglect). dean’s never afraid to tell jack or ben when he’s proud of them.

john’s happy to hurt whoever he has to to achieve his mission and his revenge, even hurt or kill his kids. he doesn’t WANT to hurt them, but again the strega ep shows that the mission comes first. dean shows how different he is when he refuses to kill jack in the s14 finale. he’s angry and he wants revenge but he knows hurting jack is wrong. dean often goes headfirst into danger to protect others w little thought for his own safety. that’s partially a reaction to john’s treatment of him, but john used to drag his kids into that danger w him. ik sometimes when theyre older john tries to keep them away from it, but that’s when they’re old enough to choose (and he’s still not letting them). but when they were dependent on him, he straight up did not care whether they were in danger or not. not when his mission was at stake. when they’re older and can keep themselves out of danger, that’s when and only when he tries to keep them out of danger. it’s a control thing. john wants them under his thumb and to only do what he wants. jack is usually kept out of the situation unless it’s necessary, and ben was entirely except for one instance where it would’ve been more dangerous to keep him out of it. dean parents jack and ben but he doesn’t try to control them.

ig my main thoughts r that dean’s actions r that of an abuse survivor and developed to survive the situation whereas john’s r that of an abuser. dean’s negative actions usually r only intended to hurt himself whereas john’s r intended to hurt everyone. all up i think their traits seem similar on the surface, but deeper down dean’s v different to john. his negative traits tend to be self destructive rather than just destructive. it’s more ig that dean’s actions r different to john’s? idk if that makes sense fvgfvg but i think that dean treats ppl v differently to john. he tries not to hurt ppl but john doesn’t rlly seem to give a shit if he hurts ppl or not.

tldr; i don’t rlly think dean’s toxic traits are similar to john any further than on a superficial level. any time i’ve seen that (esp in recent seasons) has been a result of bad or inconsistent writing. dean’s also a better dad than john. john shows signs found in abusers and ones i saw in my own abusers; dean doesn’t.

#anti john winchester #dean winchester #sam winchester #spn #supernatural #alex talks #i mean this w zero aggression to but i rlly dk how anyone could compare dean to john in this way but anyway #also if this comes across as agressive i dont mean it to! so long as u dont spew ‘john did nothing wrong’ at me we’re good fvgfvg #im sure theres stuff im forgetting to but #this is so fucking long fvgfvg sorry #john stans dni or get blocked #winc*st shippers dni or get blocked #abuse tw #meta #i think it officially counts now fvgfvg #long post #anonymous #asks #my meta

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themoonletters · 4 years

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December 31, 2019

What would a new journal be without talking about some good old New Years resolutions. Some people think that New Years is another day in a year, but someone special to me (who believed the same thing) told me something interesting. He said, “I used to think that way, like people need a new year to try to change, but they are trying. They are actually trying to change.” To me that’s what matters.

2019 sucked. Maybe not for everyone but definitely for me. What made it suck so horribly was that I learned so much of what I didn’t like about myself. Whether it be my attitude, how my face has changed, and of course how the number on that stupid little scale has skyrocketed in the past year. I spent about 40% of my year sighing on the couch. Crying. Yelling. I swear I heard my brain snap a few times because I just couldn’t handle all that life was throwing at me in certain moments. The worst part?

I did absolutely nothing to try and change this very real depression I’ve let consume myself.

I did the most to try and belittle myself. I made sure I knew I was nothing and I would never be anything. This affected everyone around me and more. My work life became terrible along with my personal life. Relationships of all kinds disintegrated rapidly and I'll had left was a darkened mind and an extremely supportive boyfriend who didn’t deserve any of it. You really do get what you put out into the universe. I was basically spewing negativity out of every pore and the universe just balled all of it up and sucker punched me when it mattered most.

It took all of 2019 for me to realize that I needed to do something. Anything. I’m so sick of trying to find inspiration in others when I need to find inspiration and desire to change within myself. I’ve decided to delete my favorite most toxic social media app, Instagram. I used to love that app when I loved myself enough to post on it, but now I'm just comparing myself to every female that I scroll past. It’s incredibly unhealthy and it makes me lose hope that I will ever be happy with my body again. Deleting Instagram and starting this journal is what I have decided to do. So far it has been very therapeutic and I haven’t had an urge to be on IG all day, which is a step in the right direction. I also had no clue I enjoyed writing this much! These were supposed to be “smol letters” however I have so much in my head sometimes.

Another resolution is to make my health come first. As you know I’ve been gaining weight gradually over the span of three years and enough is enough. I want to make healthy choices when it comes to food but also not beat myself up when I do slip with some sweets. There is a gym I’ve been planning to go to for a while (mind you, I hate going to the gym) and I know in my heart that I desire to go because I know it will make me happy.

Lastly, I want to remember to acknowledge my mental health and understand that there are things that I truly do not have to do if it makes me panic or have a meltdown. This happened a lot this year and I know now that it’s okay to say no to certain events if it compromises how I feel. Me acknowledging all of this is major and I’m glad I could put my ego away so I can change all of these so I can be happy again.

So as I finish up typing this as fireworks sound off in the background, I just want to say farewell to 2019 and hello to a healthy 2020.

Cheers

#themoonletters

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besmirchthis · 5 years

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this was a couple years ago, i guess.

i think about this a lot. partly maybe because it’s a kind of representation slash particular manifestation of a bunch of things that’ve fucked with me. partly because i guess i haven’t talked it out enough. partly because… well. there’s a path for thinking there, but we’ll put it aside for now.

first off, i’m sure the place i’m going to grouse about works for some people, has served some people well or at least all right, etc. i don’t know for sure; i’m not going to go seeking that right now.

but like.

god. so the gist of it is that during my final semester of creative writing grad times, i agreed to go to this ed recovery center place. i didn’t WANT to - i deeply didn’t want to leave kristine or laramie - but the timing worked as well as any, i did wanted to get some of my act together, and i had the insurance to cover most of the cost, so. so okay. so i went.

and the gist is that it was fucking wretched, or i found it wretched.

the gist is that i found myself unheard or/and misunderstood or/and ignored.

the gist is that everything in me reacted against that place, left me feeling fucked in that place, and that over and again i was told to endure it. left to feel like it didn’t wound me the goddamn way it did.

i fucking. hate it. i hate that fucking place; i hate the people who kept me in there.

it isn’t that i didn’t try to give the place a chance. like yeah negative goddamn reaction from day one, but i fucking tried. and kept trying. and let myself be talked into staying longer, then longer, every goddamn day rending me.

i didn’t feel okay there. i rarely felt anywhere close to okay there.

i disagreed with… so fucking much about their philosophy? also about the ways certain aspects of eating and eating particular foods were framed like. i’m not going to talk about that here but just. there were some insidious messages woven in here and there and many, many places.

this may have been just me with people, but as far as i can recall, i rarely felt comfortable in group therapy sessions; there was always i think more performance in it than i liked. (i mean on my part. i mean partly because i couldn’t just keep talking about how Wrong the place felt to me, how fucking badly i wanted to needed to leave because 1) nobody in treatment needs to hear much of that probably 2) i absolutely didn’t need to hear more of my peers telling me ‘oh u just need to keep waiting you’ll see’ and 3) idk just like… i don’t know i had a three, it’s gone, whatever.) i don’t. feel like going into that further, so whatever, here i go, move along.

related: i was fucking. frustrated and at times nearly infuriated with myself, because it was easy to frame myself as someone Who Was Willfully Resisting Treatment or Who Didn’t Want To Get Better or Who Was Being A Bad Patient (which hahahaha is fuckinggg bullshit anyway heY). like ‘oh no why can’t i just focus on RECOVERY and do what i’m here to do?’ OH YOU KNOW WHAT? IF YOU’R FOCUSING ON HOW TERRIBLE THIS PLACE MAKES YOU FEEL, THERE’S PROBABLY A GOOD REASON!!!

and again, and again: ‘you need to focus on other things.’ ‘it’s fine.’ ‘sometimes treatment is uncomfortable.’ ‘you’ll see.’

like look fellas, pals, i am and i was real sick of this eating disorder bullshit, all right? i’m sure some part of me is clinging to some parts of it, but like. i wanted to improve my shitty relationship with myself and whatever with food. i want to connect to me, and i was fucking looking for ways to do it, ASKING for goddamn help in finding those ways.

and the aid provided was just. not enough. not nearly enough.

like ‘oh you can go sit in your room for an hour at x time (never mind the loud fucking fan in there that fucks with your comprehension) but really this is going to count against you even though we won’t TELL you that until you return to group and we’re like OH YOU ARE IMPROVING LOOK AT YOU BEING AROUND PEOPLE’ like hi fuck you but i don’t need to. socialize the ways you want or participate in all of these fucking groups i feel little belonging in to goddamn be ‘improving’ or whatever.

like ‘here have some earplugs’ okay i’ll try okay guess what THIS IS STILL NOT HELPING.

like mostly, like primarily ‘journal about it! give it another week! you’ll feel more at home!! you just need to give it time!!!’

at no point (i don’t think? i know i forget a lot of things but also if it did happen it was fleeting) did anyone on my treatment team seem to seriously entertain like. the idea that maYBE THIS PLACE WAS JUST NOT GREAT FOR ME. probably it would’ve helped for me to like. set myself up to enter some other program, but the entire Being There thing shook me enough and tbh tbf did set me up with some strategies so that i felt capable of going the fuck back home. (also lmfao like i had money to enter another program, hm.) and also? and also. i wasn’t near like. an actual danger point.

oh and by the way i loved, really super loveD the way my therapist kept questioning my relationship with kristine like. yes i know i talked about her a lot BECAUSE I WAS FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT HER and because i’m a sentimental shithead and like look we’ve had our whatever bumps of figuring things out but she’s super fucking supportive of me and in general i think we do a lot of good for each other? and this therapist was just. clearly super doubtful, hinted and hinted in a ‘this is unhealthy’ way that ours was a codependent relationship and my dudes, i do NOT care for the directions she seemed to be heading in.

also just. therapy sessions - individual as well as group - weren’t helpful to me, and from the sounds of it i had one of the less objectionable therapists. i tried to express this a few times, but she’d be like ‘oh we’ll get to that eventually.’ ‘oh, there’s no rush.’ like excuse me wait are you like?? just kind of pacing out your time according to a certain schedule like what the fuck this isn’t helping so i’m supposed to?? wait another three weeks and maybe, MAYBE then we’ll get to something moderately useful?

like holy shit every session felt useless felt like i was being pulled in directions i didn’t care for felt like i was being scarcely tolerated and you know what i get that it was probably tiresome listening to me talking over and again about how terrible i felt just being in that place, but mayyybe you could have listened to what and why i was saying, rather than continuing to brush it off as ‘deal with it’ and ‘oh sometimes people feel that way at first’ and ‘no i don’t think you know what you want.’ also hi that wasn’t the only thing i tried talking about but you were helpful ummm literally never bye.

and like. thinking on said therapist, there were certain… malevolences, subtle but working their way through her and a would-be ig quirky persona and like. it did not feel great. i did not feel great, anyway.

rarely did i feel even remotely okay in that place. and i know treatment centers aren’t fuckin. famous for being comfortable or whatever but like the alienation i felt was just… it wasn’t entirely related to like. my relationship to myself generally or to my relationship to my body or. i mean. shit and shit and shit, i have a hard time getting at the core of this, or anywhere close to it. my alienation felt very specific to that place, and most everything left me feeling further fractured, fragmented. like i was being taken into pieces and not in ways that worked toward rebuilding. like i was being or allowing myself to be erased with a glance.

i have a history of, i guess, being quietly devastated by other people. particularly people who are supposed to being providing some kind of care.

and it feels strange to me, hearing in a place of supposed recovery that what i’m asking is too much, that i’m just not trying the right way, that my instincts are wrong.

can i fucking. tell you something about my gut instinct, trauma-honed as it’s been for decades? IT TENDS TO BE REAL FUCKING ACCURATE. especially when i meet someone face-to-face or am physically in a place. like. look, i doubt myself about a lot of things, but my reactions are usually pretty solid.

and every impulse in me. every goddamn instinct was telling me GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. fucking shouting it within the first hour of being there, and yes i told myself give it a few days, give it a week, because yes sometimes you can get used to things or i can. but this? the shouting continued. it was like. a constant fucking battle to muffle this impulse almost the entire time i was there.

like yes, once in a while i was able to convince myself that things were getting a little better and maybe it would be all right to stay after all. but most of that?? i think was like. trying to cling to the stasis of ‘oh this is life now why shake it up?’ because you know what else i’m real good at??? enduring shitty situations in which i feel like i’m being ignored slash my needs aren’t being met, ayyYYYYYYyy.

i’m sure there are things i’m mis-speaking here, misrecalling. but the overall of it feels right. i am… angry. and i am not angry often.

okay also this feels and felt like a minor gripe but also it… really wasn’t? and maybe it simply wasn’t possible to change but like. look it fucked with me, whatever. point being that there was a very large, very loud air vent in my room. and like. i have a hard time concentrating slash functioning slash processing anything where there are constant loud noises happening. (cold’s nearly as bad; no amount of layering keeps me from shutting down in chill.) it wears me out and i cannot, 100% cannot relax. and like I FEEL SO SHITTY BITCHING ABOUT OH NO A LOUD VENT IN MY ROOM but it amped my anxiety up, made talking on the phone real fucking difficult, made writing reading thinking pretty much impossible. every time i told them they were like ‘what can ya do’ or ‘try the earplugs’ but like. whatever. anyway.

something else: i was thirsty all. the fucking. time. which 100% happened the first time i was in treatment, and after like two months of hospitalization they were like OH HUH I GUESS YOU DID NEED MORE WATER ALL ALONG like thanks guys okay. but yeah this treatment center was round two for thaT. i brought it up multiple times, spaced out over days or weeks or fuck if i know. and it was brushed off like ‘no you’re not.’ or ‘live with it.’ or ‘your urine looks fine in the morning so there’s nothing to worry about.’ like cool story fuckos and i get that maybe you think you have reasons for caution but it doesn’t change the fact that i am always thirsty and thirsty in that like painful way? i am just asking for like?? one small extra water drink even once a day? …no? cool. thanks.

i did my shitty journaling, you assholes. i tried to communicate. and do you know what i heard? nothing, nothing, fucking nothing week after week.

and ha. HA. when i did finally screw myself up to leave? when i reached the ‘you know what i can’t keep living like this i have other places to fucking be where i can be me and work on healing with the people i was working with before this’? my treatment team dove hard and heavy into a campaign of ‘oh but if you leave against medical advice, your insurance might make you pay for everything!!’

over. and over. and over.

what i should have done was call my insurance. i’d say i don’t know why i didn’t, only lbr, i’m terrible at phone calls, terrible often at doing what needs to be done, and i was fucking scared like. i don’t know. i don’t fucking know. but i also don’t think anyone suggested that i contact my insurance? which?? is weird, in retrospect (or not weird at all). and like every goddamn day once i’d declared my intention to leave, they just kept hammering it in, and in, and in. and like, really?

i don’t know what the were told. what they might have heard, what they might have known, to what extent this might have been a scare tactic. but i eventually found out from my insurance that it was never going to be an issue. and like. i have some heavy fucking doubts about their intentions in taking that route so very, very hard.

i think there are other things i maybe meant to say.

mostly, i’m just tired. and angry. but too tired to write any more of the angry.

like hey, to be dismissed time and again. to be told my instincts are awry, when i goddamn know they’re telling truth. just.

thanks, fuckers. thanks for the terrible fucking trip.

#cw eating disorders #this is me #semi-rambling about this fucking #treatment center recovery center whatEVER #that fucked with me #so like #keep that in mind if you take a look #should also probably #cw emotional abuse #for brief references to it i guess

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justastraightupmess · 5 years

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k whta about u there gracie how would u rank them from healthy to toxic and why does it differ from me or wh at

i mean i think most of it will probably be the same tbh but lets roll.

also its gonna be hard not to be influenced by their potential to be healthier but i’ll do my bEst.

adonis / mitsuki

i mean. as we all know. they are literally goals and everyone else should learn from them. such sweet hearts who really value each other and show their appreciation and care. they look out for each other and actually fucking communicate. these two are just so great and so pure?? i love them???

and now a big ass jump way way way way down bc these two ^^ are honestly the only healthy ones

bailey / quinten

honestly they’re partly this high bc i dont know enough about them to see any faults yet rip,,, obviously quinten is manipulative and has self esteem issues. but bailey is kinda,,, too dumb to really be affected by any of the negative things that might come from quinten?? hes too naive and happy go lucky to notice hes just out there having a good time showering quinten with love and affection

levi / touma

i’ve placed them a bit higher because while yeah, its not great,,, and its not really healthy, its still not exactly harmful?? like i dont feel like either of them is really actively hurting the other person. i mean levi is helping touma (/forcing him) to come to terms with himself and his sexuality. mind you levi is a very manipulative person and thats by no means healthy, and touma is a push over and lets him get away with waaaaaay too much. they need to communicate better as well instead of levi saying “lets do this/i want this etc” and touma going along with it. i also feel like levi doesnt value touma as much as he should (yet, big yet tho) bc he doesnt realize how real his feelings are. but like i said these two arent really hurting each other ?? so ??

indigo / valentine

i mean yIkes yeah poor val is definitely carrying this team. indy is extremely destructive and has so many fucking issues. he really really struggles to let people in and does everything he can to push them away. the only reason why they’re even slightly okay is because val is so patient. im putting them under tou and levi though because the way indy treats val sometimes is pretty bad. indy can be genuinely harmful, he can say mean things and do things he knows will hurt val on purpose to push him away, i wouldn’t say he does this often though, only at times when hes feeling really bad and its almost like hes testing val?? that being said even normally indy is a pretty abrasive person, he swears and insults people a lot just in everyday conversation, when hes like that hes not intending to hurt val and i dont think he does so that okayish i guess but still not great. val puts up with way more shit than he should and its rlly only because he has such thick skin and patience that they word and dont spiral into proper fights and even more toxic behavior. but when indy is good, ina good mood and feeling good he can be softer and more affectionate, he can try to show val in very very small ways that he does appreciate him. so thats why they’re a bit higher.

luke / everett

listen they’re pretty close but i’m putting them below. mostly because of luke tbh like i’d say 65% luke 35% ev. honestly these guys indy/val and tou/lev are all pretty close. but anyway. these two are one of the pairs that really truly care so fucking deeply for each other. like luke loves ev, with or without any romantic feelings he loves ev so fucking much. and they obviously care for each other and appreciate each other, they do shit for each other. when they’re good they’re very good and if they were always good i’d put them a lot higher bc of the really strong bond they have with each other. buuuuuuut when its bad it gets real bad. and i think these two can be very harmful and toxic when it gets bad. on ev’s part it’d obviously just be his explosive temper, luke tries hard not to lose his temper and tries to calm the situations down whether hes in the right or the wrong, he has better control of his emotions (/better at ignoring them) than ev, but ev is much quicker to lose his cool and lose it for good, though he is definitely getting better at that. on luke’s part,,, yikes. when they fight and when they get pushed to the point of really properly fighting luke says some mean ass shit,. eg when he called ev a whore. its when lukes loses his tightly kept control over his emotions that a lot of his passive aggressive, judgmental shit from his upbringing comes out, bc he consciously works to keep that part of him down normally, but yeah it comes out when he gets real mad and he can be a real dick. and even when they’re not fighting luke is still pretty passive aggressive and to some degree unconsciously looks down on/did look down on ev. which is not nice

naoki / luciel

yeah this is bc of luciel for sure,,, they’ll be up there when they get past his creepy ass behavior bc i think they have very good potential to have really good communication like adonis and mitsuki. but for now they belong down here bc luciel worships naoki in a very unhealthy way, and hes a fkin creeper

dante / chikara

im gonna put them second from last only because i dont think they are even at their prime of being toxic yet,, like i think it’ll get worse from here. bc right now i dont think either cares enough for it to be as bad as it can get. once it does then yikes,,, a lot of issues.

andrew / daiki

im putting then right down here on the bottom because right now as it stands their relationship isnt benefiting either of them, its not making either of them better people and honestly rn its making them worse?? in the sense that, andrew is enabling and reinforcing daiki’s bad behavior, hes a pushover obviously and is letting daiki do as he pleases and walk all over him as he pleases regardless of how it makes andy feel. as well as that its making andrew feel worse about himself. before meeting daiki he was?? pretty content ig he didnt think that great of himself or anything but yknow. but now he feels like a plaything for daiki, he doesnt feel like daiki actually loves or likes him, he thinks daiki is just using him for fun until hes done with him. hes basically belittling himself to being nothing but a cocksleeve for daiki,,, and ofc that makes andrew feel worse abt himself. he feels like shit bc he likes daiki a lot but doesnt think daiki likes him back and he feels like shit for not putting a stop to it or making a stand kinda thing. buuuut yknow eventually he will and they’ll start getting better. idk if they will ever be near the top up there with adonis and mitsuki but they’ll at least be soooo much higher with time

#this was actually very fun to write #snw-cnvs

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japvnesedenim-blog · 5 years

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Not known Details About hair regrowth

Simply put, ketoconazole minimizes DHT sensitivity, and given that most Adult males eliminate their hair because of their hair follicles staying delicate to the effects of DHT, if a product doesn’t incorporate this component, don’t trouble shopping for it. It doesn’t incorporate biotin, however, you can generally get biotin as being a complement should you Definitely feel that you've got to own it. Moreover, if you continue to have doubts that Hair Surge truly works, you can sift with the A huge number of good responses and testimonies over it on-line. Gonzalo Arroyo Moreno/Getty Photographs 19/ The other proven choice for Gentlemen could be the oral pill finasteride, recognised by its brand title Propecia. The drug can prevent hair loss and promote hair growth, nevertheless it has some Uncomfortable side effects. Hair affirmation is a powerful Device that helps you are concerned considerably less and care far better for your hair. You can develop your very own affirmation and visualize by yourself obtaining it. Hi , I'm utilizing Nizoral two situations a week I need to incorporate A further haie loss shampoo would you help me Make a choice from hair surge and Lipogaine 5 Purpose for 5-6 parts of fruits and veggies everyday. You don’t ought to consume exotic, high-priced ones. Consume much more range and take in what grows domestically and what variations seasonally – because they comprise greatest goodness and therefore are ideal for your hair, well being and skin. We’ve think of 5 best hair loss shampoos for guys and women that function, led by Ultrax Labs Hair Surge – and that is a relative newcomer on the market but one which continuously gets favourable effects. Both concerns are very simple plenty of to reply. You’ll find the main variations in a very facet-by-side comparison of each solution’s elements; Massive 3 contains ketoconazole, which the large 5 does not, whilst the large 5 adds natural ingredients such as argan oil, and observed palmetto. It is just too early to say if This is certainly working but fascinated to hear what you think or regardless of whether I ought to use another thing. Many thanks This article is absolutely really instructive. Selecting https://www.facebook.com/steptoremedies/ is mostly a tricky task And that i constantly use chemical totally free brands and herbal shampoo mainly because too much chemicals from the shampoo may result in dry hair. Hair follows a certain growth cycle with three unique and concurrent phases: anagen, catagen, and telogen. Every phase has certain features that determine the length on the hair. via steptoremedies.com shade my hair and generally make use of a Sulfate-absolutely free shampoo to keep the color. Do have a selected recommended manufacturer for color handled hair? When doubtful, examine the utilization tips discovered on the hair loss shampoo’s container. Those people suggestions are there to ensure that you can get the ideal outcomes out of your shampoo with out creating harm to your scalp or hair. Ketoconazole is The key component. Of each of the limitless ingredients to look for, make sure your shampoo for hair loss consists of ketoconazole because this ingredient combats a lot of the key difficulties associated with thinning hair.

hair vitamins for Dummies

Generally known as linseed, alsi or jawas, flaxseeds are one of many richest plant resources of omega-3 fatty acids. These essential fats moisturise the scalp pores and skin from in just and assistance lessen dryness and flakiness. Hence, it could possibly Enhance the signs of dandruff, eczema and acne. The body makes vitamin D by means of direct contact with the Sunlight's rays. Great dietary resources of vitamin D involve fatty fish, cod liver oil, some mushrooms and fortified foods. , then I strongly urge you to definitely perform further more research. Though hair transplantion can provide an aesthetic boost, it’s not The solution to your hair loss woes. You’ll still need to work to treat the root result in Vitamin D is believed to Enjoy a task in hair output, but most exploration focuses on vitamin D receptors. The actual job of vitamin D in hair growth is mysterious. Within this in-depth write-up I’m planning to provide you with each and every treatment that may be even truly worth looking at for a cure And that i’m intending to rank them to be able of how really I rank them. eighteen/ Rogaine is often a determination: in the event you stop utilizing it, any hair you’ve regrown could fall out, so you’ll go back to dropping hair such as you were before you begun having it. If you're thinking that your hair thinning or balding stems from inadequate care, then Pure Biology may also help avert further more hair loss and stimulate nutritious growth. And the 3rd most vital issue that many of you by now know but conveniently overlook is Consuming H2o. Our system is 70% water, and when it doesn’t acquire enough h2o it is not going to function properly, as well as your hair won't prosper from the dehydrated setting. Right before utilizing Minoxidil, however, contemplate that constructive results will stop shortly right after use ends. This is due to Minoxidil functions to only deal with the signs; it doesn’t deal with the actual bring about. In addition, you could possibly working experience several Unintended effects, together with: Usually men and women find out about acute (or IgE) food items allergies as the system’s response towards the food stuff will take location quickly and with obvious outcomes which might be easy to see. Something to remember when working with crucial oils is to choose a provider oil that actually works very well to provide the essentials on to the hair follicles. That said, plenty of people don't get sufficient vitamin D and it should still be a smart idea to increase your intake. Immediately after the color tragedy, I stay considerably far from synthetic hair hues. I've not many gray hair, And that i use henna to protect my greys. The truth is, Medical professionals now say baldness styles are inherited from a mix of many genes on either side on the family members. There are numerous environmental variables that occur into Perform, much too.

Facts About how to grow hair faster Revealed

I are already utilizing It really works hair skin and nails and my hair grew 2 inches in 6 months! And my pores and skin appears improved as well. This can cause hair breakage and sooner or later hair loss. Any time you use a gentler, all-natural shampoo your hair has the chance to grow healthier and powerful. Ditch the sulfates for a really Mild shampoo, and you need to see outcomes by using a number of months. Pricey Rupa, each individual remedy isn't going to function for everyone and that's why I've shown 4 shampoos. If this doesn’t operate try out the opposite a few. Get addressed for underlying healthcare issues. Often hair loss effects from an fundamental trouble that you just may not even be aware of. If This is actually the case, regrowth won’t take place till you receive the appropriate treatment. Some disorders develop modest regions of hair loss, while others influence significant regions of the scalp. Typical will cause of patchy hair loss are Remain perfectly hydrated. Drinking h2o might help your hair grow additional vivid and balanced. Identical to other areas of One's body, your hair is enormously impacted by dehydration. My hair is about one and 50 percent inch prolonged. And I would like it to grow to about 5 inches lengthy ahead of January. What am https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcIg5xpL80o to do or use Remedy this concern Flag as... Flag as... Sure go on and experiment with different herbs. Once you uncover the right kinds to suit your needs Will probably be worth it. A major hair loss shampoo can offer your scalp and hair follicles with important nutrients that enable stop thinning or balding on the resource. With excellent high quality solutions, That is reached by stopping the negative hormone cycle that domestically causes bald spots. During the 3-thirty day period telogen interval, the hair root shrivels up into a little "club," then the hair falls out. It really is thus standard to shed about 100 hairs every day, extra of these on times when shampooing loosens the hairs which might be wanting to fall out. The body then replaces the hairs. https://www.pinterest.com/healthhomeremedies/steptoremedies/ have argued that dandruff can lead to an unhealthy scalp and trigger balding. https://steptoremedies.com/argan-oil-hair-growth-skin-care/ is, ketoconazole is the key ingredient in Nizoral that actually works to forestall dandruff and strengthen hair. The body generates vitamin D by means of immediate contact with the Sunshine's rays. Excellent dietary resources of vitamin D include fatty fish, cod liver oil, some mushrooms and fortified foods. Avoid hair extensions along with other harming models. Hair extensions are really hard with your hair plus your scalp. The load of your extensions pulls on the hair triggering breakage, and while in the worst situations, bald patches. After you’re endeavoring to grow your hair in, you would like to Allow it be as natural as is possible. // A Be aware on affiliate marketers: A number of our web pages incorporate affiliate back links to websites like Amazon. These on the internet merchants share a small percentage of revenue with us. If you purchase something as a result of these inbound links it can help aid our exploration and operate assessing hair loss treatments.

Top latest Five hair growth vitamins Urban news

Just as in chemotherapy, hair follicles are forced into your catagen period. Hairs crack and fall out, ordinarily in patches scattered throughout the scalp. A bunch of topical medicines referred to as prostaglandin analogs have just lately started going through tests for probable hair regrowth. They may be used in Gentlemen and women. These drugs are not at present FDA accepted for scalp hair loss. At this time, these are definitely principally employed for eyelash enhancement. One of several new medicines is termed bimatoprost (Latisse). Even further tests and scientific tests are needed to assess the efficacy of those merchandise in scalp hair loss. Bimatoprost solution is typically employed off-label for assist in chosen situations of hair loss. It's presently FDA authorized for cosmetic eyelash enhancement. Frequent balding (androgenetic alopecia) occurs in Males and women which is due to impact of testosterone metabolites in genetically susceptible hair follicles. Catagen. The decrease two-thirds from the follicle shrivels up and is particularly destroyed. The dermal papilla continues to be hooked up towards the regressing follicle. Is there a correlation concerning hair loss and tension? Equally psychological and Actual physical strain (for instance a serious disease or Restoration from medical procedures) have been affiliated with hair loss. Studies have shown that this medication works very well in certain different types of hair loss, and sufferers must use it for about 6 to 12 months ahead of total results are determined. This medication isn't going to "function" in times to weeks, and its onset of noticeable enhancement tends to be gradual. It might be best for men who nevertheless have more than enough hair to keep but additionally will help some regrow hair. Attainable but pretty not likely Unwanted side effects consist of impotence or simply a lessened intercourse drive (libido). https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-SiXXn3EKKI2t7btdwEplw display that these Uncomfortable side effects ended up perhaps somewhat extra prevalent than witnessed in the overall inhabitants and therefore are reversible when clients end getting the drug. The price is about $70-$a hundred/thirty day period, and many well being insurers usually do not reimburse to the expenditure. As being the name implies, this hair growth shampoo is made up of the main ingredient as soya protein and is particularly great for conditioning of the hair and also the scalp. For a person's hair to grow faster, it can be sensible not to scrub it every day, utilize an oil or hair mask weekly. You can even go for hair-boosting supplements which can be Secure. You received’t uncover any sulfates, parabens, or other harsh chemicals that will exacerbate hair loss Within this products. The substances are all natural and holistic, like apple cider vinegar, black castor oil, Shea butter and keratin proteins. The Shea butter moisturizes the scalp along with the keratin strengthens the roots in the hair. Other B-vitamins assist generate pink blood cells, which have oxygen and nutrients to your scalp and hair follicles. These procedures are crucial for hair growth. Pregnancy might trigger a lot of alterations inside the scalp hair. As the hormones fluctuate all through pregnancy, numerous women truly feel their hair thickens and becomes fuller. Androgenic alopecia - can be a genetic problem. Men with this issue put up with what is often generally known as male sample balding, which often can begin all through late teens or their early 20s. source:- steptoremedies strengthens hair, radically cutting down breakage, thinning, and hair loss. This shampoo features a delicate volumizing influence in addition. It could make your hair grow thicker and more powerful with prolonged use. steptoremedies.com , this is an excellent spending plan product or service for mild to moderate hair loss situations. This is able to Enable you to expand the quantity of follicles you receive for the hair transplant. This might not be that considerably off -- five to a decade, maybe. There is certainly Great evidence you will be able to try this."

5 Easy Facts About hair regrowth Described

I used to have actually thick curly hair nevertheless it has never liked growing much… Now it is basically slim, good and greying and still curly however it retains snapping off and nonetheless not getting any longer.. Like minoxidil (aka Rogaine), Ketoconazole has been determined as a fantastic hair loss treatment. Ketoconazole is the primary component in many anti-dandruff and regrowth shampoos, and investigate with the Countrywide Institute of Well being (NIH) has demonstrated the frequent utilization of a 2% Ketoconazole shampoo can lead to increased hair density and dimensions. Comment:Thanks I will try out it cures… my hair isn't growing in any respect and the sides far too are absent. can’t even experience proud to leave my natural hair on.. Hope it really works for me. A cure for hair loss will be Just about the most interesting scientific reports to return along within the wellbeing discipline in quite a long time. Probable, a cure for male hair loss would also crossover and be a female hair loss cure at the same time. It could also make a lot of money for whoever patents it to start with, also. Now, my hair is gentle, easy, and glossy, and doubtless denser than it use to generally be in my teens. And that i would like to share with you many of the things which I did to regrow my dropped hair and hope these will let you as well. Pregnancy includes its have set of ups and downs, and working with sore throat is just one of them.... Some experiments have argued that dandruff can contribute to an unhealthy scalp and trigger balding. read more , ketoconazole is the primary ingredient in Nizoral that works to circumvent dandruff and strengthen hair. Argan oil normally takes center phase During this shampoo, which principal ingredient is crammed with vitamin E and fatty acids to promote nutritious hair and skin. HSC660 is an ongoing feminine hair loss demo that should run for 22 weeks as well as a late phase (Stage three demo) for men has initiated in Mexico. little herbs went to date to reveal commercialization, “We’e in very late-phase negotiations with a few huge retail companions,” she states. It will not be a magic bullet, but it might guaranteed be great to own an alternative/complement to Rogaine that actually stimulates growth. Your entire body creates vitamin D via contact with the Solar’s rays though other sources of it consist of fatty fish, cod liver oil, and some varieties of mushrooms. Lots of individuals don’t get ample vitamin D regularly, nevertheless. Hair follows a certain growth cycle with 3 distinct and concurrent phases: anagen, catagen, and telogen. Each individual section has distinct characteristics that establish the length from the hair. Even though https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hair_Is_Falling may be affecting your issues with hair loss and thinning, an easy improve while in the shampoo you employ may perhaps make all the real difference. And if you actually need to play it Secure, get one of many products and solutions by using a income-again ensure. This shampoo revitalizes uninteresting strands although strengthening and supporting follicles, hair and scalp wellness. Ideal for Those people aiming to restore weakened hair and aid fight hair loss, this shampoo is actually a guaranteed winner. And The explanation was excessive worry or worry. Stress impacts all of our entire body, and our hair is not any exception. By no means-ending anxiety could cause a disproportionate range of hair to go into resting stage at the same time. Which causes large clumps of hair popping out all at once.

hair loss in women Things To Know Before You Buy

Simply because caffeine can counteract the negative results of testosterone that produce male pattern baldness, we propose you buy a shampoo product or service which contains caffeine to Increase the well being of one's hair and scalp. Medicines Usually useful for rheumatoid arthritis and bone marrow cancer, They're now becoming analyzed for his or her uses to be a hair growth medication. These are a new class of medicines labeled as JAK inhibitors. In one examine, 6 from 9 people significantly went from bald to a full head of hair immediately after using Ruxolitinib for 5 months. The American Hair Loss Affiliation reported it’s crucial that women who may have a background of hair loss of their relatives to become made conscious of the possible results of delivery Regulate supplements on regular hair growth. And DHT is accountable both of those for hair loss and enlargement of your prostate. In a single study, nearly fifty percent of Gentlemen who had been dealt with with saw palmetto experienced an 11.9 % boost in total hair rely. If Rogaine and also other hair growth solutions aren’t Operating for you, Ketoconazole just could. Likewise, you are able to always utilize a shampoo along with a prescription product For added defense. These products usually are harmless but usually not scientifically demonstrated and as a consequence perhaps ineffective. To decelerate hair loss, you will discover at least four most likely helpful, basic possibilities. These consist of medicines like Minoxidil, and Propecia, which are for prolonged-time period use. Stopping these prescription drugs would not appear to worsen or exacerbate the prior hair loss. The individual will basically revert on the condition he would've been in had he hardly ever started out treatment. NIZORAL???? What? Are u joking ? NIZORAL make https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-vFharetTU , NIZORAL is not really á shampoo is a synthetic imidazole antifungal drug utilised mainly to deal with fungal bacterial infections. Ketoconazole is sold commercially being a pill for oral administration (Even though this use has become discontinued within a number of countries), and in a variety of formulations for topical administration, for example creams (used to take care of tinea; cutaneous candidiasis, which includes candidal paronychia; and pityriasis versicolor) and shampoos (utilised primarily to deal with dandruff—seborrhoeic dermatitis from the scalp). It is too early to say if This really is Doing the job but intrigued to hear what you believe or regardless of whether I should really use something else. Thanks They suggest working with it nearly 5 instances every week for max effectiveness. Working with it everyday most likely wouldn’t be a difficulty. You indicate the Ultrax Labs Hair Solaye conditioner or conditioner usually? The company promises it works together with the shampoo and judging because of the ingredient,s may aid to regrow hair to a little diploma. alopecia areata (modest round or coin dimension bald patches on the scalp that usually grow back again in just months), On the other hand, there are a number of topical products and solutions obtainable with caffeine which might be right applied to your scalp. A lot better, study displays that hair follicles don’t Establish up a resistance to caffeine-integrated products and solutions mainly because it does with a few medicines. SLS is a typical ingredient in individual treatment items like soaps, shampoos, and toothpaste. It’s an inexpensive and efficient foaming agent. It might cause discomfort in unusual situations, but it really shouldn’t be a difficulty for your overwhelming majority. ” A similar report also states that it’s unheard of for women to follow a male pattern Except there is too much creation of androgens in her system. Hey Frederique, I eliminated it mainly because it was no longer obtainable for some rationale. I’m undecided how perfectly can these shampoos function if you are under-going chemo.

5 Easy Facts About hair loss treatment Described

I remember the way it feels. Sensation helpless which i was slowly and gradually likely bald and there was practically nothing I could do about this. As such a popular treatment technique, various reports have been conducted over time. A new examine, posted in 2014 by Aldhalimi et. al., researched the effects of Minoxidil on mice. The mice (of which there have been 20 in full) had been shaved as well as their dorsal skin dyed to higher examine hair growth. Under are three standard methods.It’s Unusual to feel that Rogaine and Propecia are two of the preferred hair loss treatments on the planet, nonetheless you will find a lot better natural possibilities that don’t feature the side effects. But the most effective possibility is usually to try to eat refreshing or dried amla every day. I've A different superior alternative – I consider 1tsp amla powder or triphala which has a glass of drinking water each individual morning – It’s probably the greatest detox consume yow will discover. This will likely get Your whole body rapidly alkalised, aid get rid of harmful toxins within the blood and organs, help filter out the gastrointestinal tract producing digestion far more economical and endorse the growth of balanced bacteria. Just after viewing merchandise depth web pages, look below to locate a fairly easy technique to navigate back again to pages you are interested in. Having said that, I've outlined several of the most effective natural blockers in direction of the tip of the guideline if you decide to go down that route. Delayed https://en.search.wordpress.com/?src=organic&q=hair+growth can be a substantial reason behind hair loss in Guys and women. The overwhelming majority of individuals, however, are entirely unaware that delayed allergic reactions from meals even happen, let alone could cause and amplify hair loss. The initial review on the topic was performed in 2007, and it displays that software of tea tree oil can cause a side effect known as gynecomastia. This is an indication of antiandrogenic activities. To perform this study, scientists recruited 76 male people with delicate to reasonable AGA. They were split into two teams. And thank goodness I didn’t. I have utilised steamroller, heat tong and blow dryer a few instances. But When I made use of them, I felt these very hot appliances did far more hurt than fantastic, so I have stopped utilizing them—once and for all. Spironolactone. This really is also a capsule taken at the time day-to-day to block the male hormones within the pores and skin that can result in hair loss. This is usually used for woman sample hair loss. Delayed (or IgG) reactions tend to be more problematic because it is difficult for making the relationship involving the food and the human body’s negative reaction to it. Folks have been proclaiming a ‘cure for hair loss’ will be out there in ‘five calendar year’s time’ for so long as any person can recall.

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davonnerochelle · 6 years

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The Struggle of Being Human: A Stream of Conscious Expression, Post Semi-Public Breakdown.

It’s a pretty weird concept to digest, the idea of being human. Not being the flesh and bones earthly manifestation of human, but the act of being human. I wonder what people think when I say things like, “ I’m struggling with being human?” Probably, something along the lines of “what the hell are you talking about?” “Are you not human?” “What are you an alien?” Though I don’t think this conflict of acting as human is so foreign to someone like me. Like me, meaning someone undergoing a conscious spiritual awakening, someone who tries their hardest to do everything right; not even consciously, but feels if I’m going to do anything at all, I do it with all my best effort and I succeed, no exceptions.

Someone who, when they actually allow themselves to slack or do poorly, feels wrecked about it. Feels guilty about it. Being human in this context means allowing myself to error; allowing myself to mess up and be okay with it. Being okay with being angry, or frustrated, or pessimistic, or negative, or talking shit about a perfect stranger. Bakara Wintner and Lindsay Mack talked about this in episode 13 of the Tarot for the Wild Soul podcast: when they do readings for people they’re non-judgemental, open-minded conduits for their clients. However, outside of that context their human just like everyone else. And that is okay.

I struggle with this and clearly, this struggle has been boiling under the surface of everything that has been plaguing and pulling at me over the last few months? Two years even!!! At lunch today with my favorite colleague I said the words “I’m struggling with being human” out loud and I nearly burst into tears. It took all of the strength within me, not to ugly cry in front of 6-8 suits sitting at a table across from us. Inevitably, I broke down in my office after lunch. I called her and she let me cry with her on the phone (she’s so awesome!). I just kept thinking it to myself as I was power walking back to my office: “I’m struggling with being human! WTF!” Even now, tears are threatening to mess up my modest working girl makeup look.

What does this even mean? It means I’m trying so hard to be a “perfect” disciple of New Aged principals that I forgot perfect is an illusion and by default humans “ain’t perfect”....and we never will be. We are a mess. We are a hodgepodge of a mess. We are a mess, on top of chaos, smashed within circumstances. We can’t be perfect! We have to relinquish that control. Even if the intention is to hold space for others to feel and be imperfect, we are not going to do that perfectly. There’s a lot of shit happening in my life right now. I’m trying to remain strong and positive, trying to let work things roll off my back because, in perspective, it’s not that big a deal, and stay cool when the personal things mushroom into anxiety laiden irrationality. The fact of the matter is holding that much potential stress in a human size container is not sensible, and it is not recommended. Eventually, you’re going to implode and implosion gets messy.

Hence this post-traumatic breakdown, stream of conscious brain vomit. This is not healthy. ...this expression is healthy. The fact that it took a semi-pubic emotional breakdown to allow sed expression to manifest is unhealthy.

So what did I learn from this experience? (Because that’s really the point right?)

Well, I’ve learned a great number of things:

I’m not perfect. I never have been and I never will be. This is some 4th house/nadir, Tower transformation epiphany shit! My standards are too high and I need to cut myself some slack. Give myself a break. It is not my life’s purpose to take over the fucking world. That is not why I’m here. I need to be okay with minimum effort sometimes. I need to be less guilty about my more human qualities. I trip and fall (and sprain my ankle apparently) sometimes and that’s okay. I misread emails and walk clear across campus in the wrong direction to the wrong classroom to teach an information literacy class (that I don’t want to teach in the first place) after bitching about the class’ instructor being lazy and unkempt (yes! That happened!! And you can slice the irony with a cold butter knife).

The above mentality allows me to create the overly stressful situations in which I have recently found myself: this neverending vortex of “holy shit!” that hurricane’s around me while I try to doggy paddle to safety. Yes, I’m admitting, I’ve done this to myself. Apparently, I measure success by how many circuses I can juggle over my head with my eyes closed (7 safely; 9 is where destabilization tends to happen). Majority of the things I’m engaged in right now I don’t want to do, or I’m doing it in such a way that I never wanted to. And I wish I could just start over and do it the way I wanted in the first place. It feels really good to “say” that out loud. I hate this hysteria I have created for myself. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!

Goddess/Spirit/Universe (whatever, you get the point!) is done with being subtle with me and will not be ignored. If I ignore her she will allow me to throw myself off a cliff to make a point. Maybe this is why Joey was yelling and swiping at me this morning. I think my cat is psychic/intuitive (we’re just a family of witches at the Rooney household). If I get home and get sassy “I told you so” cat eyes I’ll let you know. What exactly am I saying? Yes! Yes i received numerous intuitive warnings about this breakdown and ignored them all: don’t wear your spirituality as a badge on your ego; go easy on yourself you’re only human; slow down, ask for help, don’t take on too much; I’m struggling with being human/don’t forget to be human. These are verbatim things I’ve read either over IG or Facebook, received during an intuitive reading, picked up on myself through injury or card reading, or a friend/family member told me recently. I have to stop ignoring them. I just suffer in the end.

Finally, THIS is okay! Breaking down and sharing it with the world is okay. I wanted to write about being human for the last few days and I just kept putting it off: too busy. I need to stop doing that too. I need to share with you all what I”m thinking and going through because apparently some of you like reading it. But, ultimately, it just helps me feel better (i’m okay with being selfish about this! See! I’m learning). There doesn't always have to be a higher purpose or agenda for something. Sometimes you just need to express yourself and that’s okay.

Thank you all for reading my word vomit! If I’ve been a little “holier-than-thou” lately I apologize. I’m just really into this shit. I love everything about everything I’m doing right now: meditation, yoga, reiki energy work, Oracle/tarot, astrology, other such similar things. They just make me happy. Please feel free (gently) to point out to me when I’m being hard on myself and not allowing myself to be human. I need that grounding.

Be Well!

#stream of thought #stream of conscious writing #thetower #epiphany #journaling #beinghuman

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