#and i've told myself for years that i “dont need one” but idk. i really want one

[spinoff-antithesis]

(muth being music theory!)

#FUCK IT MY OWN EDITION OF THE ODDLY SPECIFIC POLLS BC THESE ARE FUN #me when i've been obsessed with space/time stuff since i was a KID its more an interest than hyperfixation rn but man. #media with any of those?? i am OBSESSED (star wars rottmnt movie etc etc) like i hyperfixated on dr who for a year in middle school #the skateboard one is so funny. in high school my guard instructor saw me with a friend's pennyboard & immediately said no. #me when i was notoriously clumsy in middle + high school so everyone i knew was like. “this is a bad idea” when i did anything #my first semester of college i bought a longboard off someone then 5months later i turned around & ate SHIT it was so funny in retrospect #anyway fun sage lore i have only ever heavily injured the left side of my body. my knee + elbow and the SAME FUCKING TOOTH. TWICE. #also i have a high pain tolerance. like idk how or when but in middle school it just got Really Strong. me when i injure myself and just #live with it for a year before it becomes a concern and i get told to get an xray (i will live with a fractured knee the rest of my life) #also when i fell off my skateboard and ate shit my first concern was “ah fuck my glasses did i break my nose” and #“nah my elbow isnt broken! my arm is just rly sore from how i landed on it” (readers. it was in fact fractured.) #like i literally went “no im fine we dont need to tell my mom or go to the er” and my friends said “call your mom and go to the er” #me spitting out my tooth and blood bc i also busted my lip: that hurt. time to hobble back to my dorm. #anyway hiding this one in the tags bc i will never not just ignore my issues LMAO did it with my ptsd dx and i will continue to do it #another incredibly hyperspecific thing: oh this doesnt seem normal! im gonna ignore it and hope it goes away #these symptoms match up to something? nah i'm sure it's not that! (proceeds to get dx'd with ptsd five months later)

[arolesbianism]

Sorry for failing to post more than once every 3 am anyways more stalien icons 👍

#keese draws #eternal gales #oc art #oc #ocs #now sprinkles is the only one left icon wise and ref wise Ive finished aris mase and the snake triplets #oh and then icons for the human kids all need to be made but thats a future me problem #Im probably gonna go for dodie or sier next for new ref #although idk when thatll be since Ive been once again burnt out as hell #but yeah I've been thinking abt the eg cast again I love them all sm #idk maybe I should make them lil summary pages so I can better introduce them all #I dont want to go too deep into actual plot stuff tho as while I dont have issues with spoiling things pre actually making the comic just #due to the fact that things are still prone to change I also would rather not basically live script out the story to summarize one scene #its the eternal problem with talking abt eternal gales its the kind of story where you really arent meant to know more than the characters #and as such while the worldbuilding is important to understanding the plot from an overarching perspective thats not rly how the story is #meant to be told as quite frankly I dont think that is or should be the appeal of this story #eternal gales is pretty much set to be an aquired taste of a story since the core of it is less abt watching characters in a plot and more #abt watching said characters having a plot happen at them while they try to navigate the situation and their relationships with eachother #basically it's hard to summarize cause while there is a plot thats not really how Id advertise it as a story #theres a reason Im not jumping straight into this project rn even tho I do wanna make it real some day and its how damn ambitious it is #Ill get there some day but itll likely still be several years at least until I go for it #mostly because Im gonna need to learn some programming skills or get someone who has them already to help #I also ideally wanna finish spiraling upwards first which will also likely be a several year project #tbf thats mostly because Im just being slow as hell to work on that one #but it's a warriors fan comic so Im trying not to put too much pressure on myself

[selcouthself]

something about loneliness in the moonlight really gets me.

#same vibes from both. #i just envision cyrano spouting off the second poem (lyrics i should say) as he's watching christian kiss roxanne for the first time #and feeling his heart break #they would be the pair of doves in 'ecstasy' 👀 #but i can just picture the despair and loneliness that each of these emotes #like #i can't really explain it #maybe cause i go on walks really late at night #when my phone's dead or turned off (not the best idea #i know) #and i just listen to the sounds of the world #a group of friends laughing #someone playing old hymns on the piano inside a chapel #the crickets chirping #idk it's just very beautiful #but also like. i'm reminded of my lack of someone to share it with #like i've never experienced having a romantic relationship where i could just. do that #and i've told myself for years that i “dont need one” but idk. i really want one #and i know that like... it'll happen whenever it happens or whatever but after a certain amount of time you start to get a little impatient #maybe it's just cause it's valentines day that i decided to be in the emotions today #meh #anyways #singleness awareness day and all #cyrano de bergerac #cyrano de bergerac kevin kline #cyrano de bergerac 1950 #cyrano de bergerac original play #edmond rostand #die mainacht

[pommunist]

i really hope i dont sound rude or anything, but it's come to a point seeing some of the statements that i cant really. empathize with parts of the stories of some of the ex-admins? it's upsetting, cause no one deserves worplace abuse and the things that they endure but like...

part of my brain cant shake off the knowing that most if not all of these admins who left had the means to stay unpaid for months. i dont know if i explain myself? i couldnt FATHOM spending even one month on a project that's not gonna be payed, let alone staying on it even logner after not getting paid on the day i was told i would

not because im some smart and strong person or something: i simply cant afford it. i cant go one month without being paid because i would go homeless, i couldnt dedicate entire days of my week to anything if it wasnt going to be paid because i wouldnt be able to eat, or pay my bills.

and these are all young people who absolutely deserve better, and who did not deserve to be exploited on the workplace but that. idk. could go months, one of them even a year without getting paid, and yes feeling the stress and the exploitation and all that it's BAD, but my brain just cant help but go "and yet they could afford to stay unpayed" and i genuinely hate it but idk.....

anyways i have no idea why im sending this i just had to vent it somewhere and you're ltierally one of the only people who i've seen be welcoming of points of view other than your own about this theme

hey anon !

First i wanna say that i get how it can be difficult to empathise when you’re yourself in a « work and get paid or starve » situation. (Been there done that so when I say I get you I really do)

And I think it’s fine to feel like that, we all have our own biases that come from our experience and living conditions. It’s fine, it’s just that it’s important not to let it completely cloud our judgement on the matter, it’s a serious enough situation for it to be way past a simple empathy check. Our personal feelings don’t really weigh on this situation as it’s far beyond that.

Because facts are that even if some of them were able to go through all this without payment (bc they had some money already, another job, lived with their parents whatever) it still remains that young people were being promised a pay they never got, got baited by the opportunity to make a living doing something they loved, working for something they were passionate about, or some just had to take the low pay because that was still better than no pay at all.

And people being in situation like yours are one of the reasons it’s so important for people to denounce poor working conditions and fight for workers rights. Because if you don’t, nothing will change and there will always be someone who’s more desperate for the job, who needs the money more, who will have to endure an underpaid, shitty job in place of someone who was "lucky" enough to be able to walk out.

#dw anon u were not being rude #idk if half of my sentences here make any sense it’s still too early for good english to have kicked in

[miss-ery-3]

i dont have much to report on weight wise, as i havent weighed myself since thursday, because i've been drinking alcohol and therefore i am retaining water

i can feel how i am all swelled up rn - my rings feel tighter than normally. i'll weigh myself again once the water retention goes down

but, ofc, i have even more stuff about my whole ✨love life situation✨

i am seeing my bf tomorrow, and i will tell him that i dont think our relationship is going that greatly, and then i'll take it from there. i dont really like to think too much about it, but i also feel more at peace w it - and i think my lil crush is a huge part of that. i really dont need anyone to tell me that i'm a horrible person - i am truly doing my best, both in terms of navigating my feelings and my relationship and my mental health. i'm really not in a good place right now, but at least i can kinda pretend, that my troublesome feelings are some fun new drama that i can share w my friends (you guys teehee)

if you don't care about my love life drama, then its totally ok. if you are, you're in for a treat (maybe idk)

lets call my crush-situation W

aight, so W and i talked all night thursday, and i have quite a lot to report about that night, and then a little about last night

my friend started talking about one time i had a ons w one of my friends, like 3 years ago, and i was quite embarrassed to talk about it. but the others laughed and idk, i figured it was fine. W switched between not laughing at all, just looking down at the table, and then awkwardly laughing a bit while looking at me, and then the table. i dont know what that means??? just as the conversation ended he was like "do u wanna go for a smoke" and then we went outside, and talked about other things.

we had been drinking and joking all night, and he decided to tell some group of girls sitting in the bar, that he and i are childhood friends (big lie, i've known him since summer). and i was like "aight, whatever" and then he lied and told them that i had written him tons of love letters when we were children. and i just laughed and lied and said "yeah haha, i was totally in love with you". when we left the bar, like 2 hours later, and we were all alone, i teased him about something we told the group of girls, and then he was like "yeah yeah whatever, i know that you'll just send me another love letter. you're like tooootally into me hahaha" and i was like "oh yeah, haha, totally. u got me" while walking away and laughing. i might just be fucking overthinking everything but also... why lie about writing love letters? there are much more embarrassing things (for me) he could've said. idk, help me

he texted his girlfriend throughout the night (i think) but looked quite annoyed/not happy whenever he did, and at some point he left the table for like 15 minutes (probably to talk to her). idk

he kept touching my stuff. like my cigarettes and my lighter, he would just sit with them and play with them. i found it quite cute, idk

OKAY, and then to last night (friday) i was in another bar last night, helping out, 'cause i kinda work there (ish, like, volunteer-work) and W was supposed to have a shift later in the evening

he calls me to tell me that he will be running late, 'cause he was at an event, and shit hit the fan, idk. then he asked me if i could cover for him, and i said that i for sure could cover for him. we only talked for 1,5 minute, but idk. my fucking hands went sweaty and i couldn't stand still. i don't think i've ever picked up that fast. uuuughhhhh i feel so weird. whatever

he showed up like 1,5 hours too late (but it was ok, 'cause there really wasn't much to going on), and went directly out to find me (i was smoking) to hug me and apologize for coming so late. then i kept feeling his eyes on me, and i could hear him mention my name a lot of the night

we ended up doing some cleanup together afterwards, and it was just... really nice. we have such a good time whenever we're together and i feel so comfortable around him. except for the part where i keep thinking about how hot i think he is and how want to give him a big old smooch. i had hoped to talk to him some more, but we both went home when cleanup was done, and idk. its fine

i have not been able to keep him out of my head all day. its truly torturous

#thinspø #⭐️ve #amy’s ⭐️ving adventure #eedee tumblr #eedeetwt #amy ranting #i will reach my ugw #low cal restriction #eedee #th!n$piration

[downfallofi]

That doesn't sound bad. That's only disappointing if it disappoints you. What kind of stuff do you tend to sketch if I may ask? Also might've been low key seeing if you play video games that I could invite you to play.

Ah, you know, thank you for this. 🥹 they are my hobbies, and I need to learn not to minimize them or apologize for liking them. (Old habits, it comes with growing up the way I did and being told that liking comic books and Star Wars and "living in a fantasy world" was making me weak) But yeah I mean. It's not disappointing to like reading, or art, or video games, nor does it make someone a loser.

(I need to remember that)

I love to draw all kinds of things, I have a sketchpad filled with stuff from reference/still life, I like practicing drawing flowers, I actually sometimes like drawing smut/ shibari and if I ever actually posted that online I'd tag the models I referenced... not even in a horny way but there's something wonderful I find in shibari or fetish stuff artists that they challenge you, in drawing in a pen and ink medium, to workshop how you adapt poses, musculature, lighting, all that stuff.

And I have a lot of superheroes.

When I was a kid, all the way up to about 17, I wanted to be a graphic novelist, make my own comics that were like just my teenaged brain firing off ideas I'd sponged up from a lot of X-Men and a LOT of Toonami. I didnt go on to become a comics artist, in fact, due to being discouraged by my dad and others (...but, well, my dad) I sort of came to the conclusion it was childish ("cute lil cartoons," they were derisively called) and let my gift atrophy. I drew nothing.

So in coming back to it, slowly over the last... ten years? Ive gotten back in to art.

It's not the same as it was. Sadly, it can't be, that fire I had when I was young was well. Stomped out.

So I cant make panels, and I struggle with transition and movement from one panel to the next to make a story flow, and sometimes it feels like I draw OTHER people's heroes like Spider-Man like I'm a fucking cover band at a dive bar playing KISS.

But I've still worked on it, and grown a lot over those last ten years, and found a peace in it that yeah, idk, maybe it isnt what I wanted to be when I was young but it's still art, dammit.

So yeah, sorry. Im wordy and it was complicated to answer but you kind of put a dime in and got me talking about it so. My sketchbook has lots of microliner ink drawing, some flowers and still life, some smut, some X-Men cover band stuff, just stuff I want to challenge myself to draw.

I'm also determined to experiment more with color like my copic markers this year so.

Video games I play are really a lot of single player open world stuff, Im currently grinding on um.

...fallout4 OKAY DONT JUDGE ME, I am of the specific brand of gamer that finds some peace and comfort in going back to Skyrim and Fallout from time to time...

I would love to get in to games with other people but I wouldnt know where to start, or what to pick up, frankly, but that is a kind offer and one I'd be interested in maybe perhaps at some point

I take it back... I did have a coop farm in Stardew Valley I played sorta multiplayer with my friend from CO but... our friendship sort of died off and we dont Stardew together anymore... fuck Im sad now.

Sincerely, thank you for the asks and the kindness and if you made it through reading ALL of that shit you are a fucking G and I respect and love you so much

#Answers #Sorry I could ramble a lot about art and superheroes and comics #And my superheroes #And wistfulness and apologies to my teenaged self that I never ended up publishing the comics we wanted to #Ugh #And also now I wanna hop from Fallout to Stardew and get back to my farm #Im like.... eleven years in on my one playthrough and still so much to do #Sigh #Fuck #Im soooo fucking wordy man #Why does nobody shut me up

[cemetery14]

me comparing akashi to billie songs : )

the time has come for me to rant about why almost all of my akashi playlist is billie eilish, sometimes im bad at wording my thoughts and i just wanna go "yknow that one billie eilish lyric? yeah thats him"

idk why i just really relate music to whatever in into at the moment, like obsessively

a couple are just gonna be vibe based but some will also be very detailed 0_0 im just gonna go in order of my playlist

i dont need to explain myself on this one but,,, he literally had a "nah im gonna be the bad guy" moment

"I had a dream I got everything I wanted Not what you'd think And if I'm being honest"

akashi winning everything and being perfect at everything and realizing that it brings him no joy

"It might've been a nightmare To anyone who might care"

"Nobody even noticed I saw them standing right there Kinda thought they might care"

'kinda thought they might care' this song really makes me think of akashi in teiko and realizing that none of the miracles care about him the way he cares about them, and none of them tried to help him if anything they made it worse

"I tried to scream But my head was underwater They called me weak Like I'm not just somebody's daughter"

"And it feels like yesterday was a year ago But I don't wanna let anybody know 'Cause everybody wants something from me now And I don't wanna let 'em down"

"If I knew it all then would I do it again? Would I do it again? If they knew what they said would go straight to my head What would they say instead?"

i love that last line for him 'would i do it again' 'what would they say instead' if only they knew how fragile akashi was would they have treated him differently? would akashi have wanted them to treat him differently?

"I used to float, now I just fall down I used to know but I'm not sure now What I was made for"

"Looked so alive, turns out I'm not real Just something you paid for What was I made for?"

akashi struggling with his own identify after being used by other his whole life

"I don't know how to feel But I wanna try I don't know how to feel But someday, I might"

"When did it end? All the enjoyment I'm sad again, don't tell my boyfriend"

akashi going from loving basketball to just seeing it as another thing he needs to win at

"Think I forgot how to be happy Something I'm not, but something I can be Something I wait for Something I'm made for"

this song makes me think of akashi and mayuzumi :>

"I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well I wish someone had told me I'd be doing this by myself There's reasons that I'm thankful, there's a lot I'm grateful for But it's different when a stranger's always waiting at your door Which is ironic 'cause the strangers seem to want me more Than anyone before"

i bet akashi has a hard time making friendships with people his age, or just friendships in general

he deals alot with people older than him, like teachers and im sure his dad already had his talking with business partners and such

"Can't shake the feeling that I'm just bad at healing And maybe that's the reason every sentence sounds rehearsed Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored (Lying for attention just to get neglection) Now we're estranged"

neglect neglect neglect akashi is a victim of neglect, GIVE HIM ATTENTION OR HES GONNA ACT OUT

"Things I once enjoyed (ah-ah) Just keep me employed now Things I'm longing for Someday, I'll be bored of"

akashis love for basketball being twisted into just another thing hes expected to win

"I'm getting older, I've got more on my shoulders But I'm getting better at admitting when I'm wrong I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavor To keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure 'Cause to be honest, I just wish that what I promise Would depend on what I'm given (not on his permission) (Wasn't my decision) to be abused, mmm"

'im happier than ever at least thats my endeavor to keep myself together and prioritize my pleasure'

THIS LINE AAAAAAAAA this is how i would describe akashis character post birthday over, i just think it perfectly encapsulates him and how hes doing

"They're gonna tell you what you wanna hear Then they're gonna disappear Gonna claim you like a souvenir Just to sell you in a year"

akashi being taken advantage of

"I'm overheated, can't be defeated Can't be deleted, can't un-believe it I'm overheated, can't be defeated Can't be deleted, can't be repeated I'm overheated"

kinda vibes based but it makes me think of akashi and how he constantly has to be ON for interviews or just interacting with people he knows since hes extremely popular and how overwhelming it must get

"Did you think I'd show up in a limousine? (No) Had to save my money for security Got a stalker walkin' up and down the street Says he's Satan and he'd like to meet I bought a secret house when I was seventeen (Ha) Haven't had a party since I got the keys Had a pretty boy over, but he couldn't stay On his way out, made him sign an NDA, mm"

"You couldn't save me, but you can't let me go, oh, no I can crave you, but you don't need to know, oh-oh"

"At least I gave him somethin' he can cry about I thought about my future, but I want it now, oh-oh-oh Want it now, mm-mm-mm You can't give me up"

"Did I take it too far? Now I know what you are You hit me so hard I saw stars Think I took it too far When I sold you my heart How'd it get so dark? I saw stars Stars"

vibes based but like, heavy vibes

being rich and popular at such young age like EVERYONE knows akashi, having rapid success at such a younge age must be crazy

i also have I Didnt Change My Number, Therefore I Am, and You Should See Me In A Crown but those are mostly vibes based

i love you should see me in a crown for akashi, pretty boy on a power trip <3

#kuroko no basket #knb #kurokos basketball #akashi seijuro #Spotify

[evergreen-femme]

diarypost

why has my appearance always been, overwhelmingly probably, the main thing i've always been concerned about? it eats my brain and always has, and i can only recognize that i like myself as i exist *right now*, that i am finally pretty, sometimes. and yet ill look at pictures of my body from just 6 months to a year ago and think "what the fuck she was so hot what happened" every single time. and idk if this is some kind of mental programmimg error or loop or something because my mental architecture was developed in the complete absence of ever feeling even remotely good about how i looked. like it doesn't even know how to handle positive self-perception, much less process it and incorporate it into my self image. poor girl needed some positive body image and never once got it or thought she was worth anything. idk it feels like such an overwhelming need these days im crying just thinking about it

like literally that manga panel with the "if i can't be cute then what's even the point of living"... that feeling stretched out to infinity all the time

yeah im a girl but i feel like i only got to be a cute girl for like less than a year and that almost all happened during the really traumatic circumstances of me coming out. and the cute part was always mandatory for me. i feel like if i can't see myself as cute im going to die, but it just gets into my head that i transitioned on the cusp of my 30s and not my 20s and there so much socialization and fun and dressing up i missed and i feel like because of my age i have maybe a year or two of that left and even then i feel a bit too old for it.

like i was a huge nerd but more than that i was just the socially stunted outcast. i never even had friends close enough to invite over throughout my entire childhood. not one. i got to party a bit in college but i wasnt a fucking GIRL then so i stood around being *really really* bad at being a guy and hoping like. girls would notice my skin and how pale i was or something idk. obviously never happened. i got told by my roommate how badly i fumbled the possibility to be the "pimp of our dorm building" because i tried to join a female friend group. over and over he'd talk about it and he never fucking got that i just wanted to be one of them! i just wanted to wear dresses and get pretty together and feel cute and accepted and not on-guard for once. ofc it never got that far (god, god i wish it had my life would have been so much happier) bc of me. and my stupid sexuality. like i hooked up with this weird girl who hinted at doing bdsm with me (ofc it ended up with her wanting me to dom and nothing happening bc of that) but she told fucking everyone and i literally had started reading all this girl's writing to get to know her and writing bad poetry about her (ugh) but yea turns out she was cheating on her boyfriend back home ¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯\_(ツ)_/¯¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and just wanted to hook up and tell everyone the details (like lol he has a big cock but is submissive 🤢)

like over breakfast

and then poof nobody wants to be my friend anymore.

but anyway yea i just need to have that life that i never got in my 20s but all things are convalescing to make me believe that im too old for it and i'll have to live the rest of my life carrying that yawning absence with me

and its already so heavy at 31 i dont know how im going to be able to handle it as i get older

also worth noting that that was my first sexual experience ever.

#diaryposting #pls do not reblog

[tonberry-yoda]

Hello! Can I have a kingdom hearts or arcana matchup please 🖤 (you can do whichever you want to write for😊).

She/her,pan

Personality: I tend to keep to myself unless someone comes up to me and starts a conversation (a lot of people say I'm very intimidating when they first meet me for some reason 😂). I tend to be slightly reserved with someone until I'm comfortable with them, then I'm a massive dork (I love to joke around and make people laugh). I am very empathetic, always trying to keep the people around me happy (even if I'm not in the end) I hate disappointing people so I can over work myself sometimes. If someone is rude or annoying me I tend to get very sassy and sarcastic. I am very protective of my friends and love ones and get very angry if someone hurts them. I'm also a very calm person and it takes a lot for me to get angry/snap. I also sleep a lot....like a lot, unless it's during the school year then I tend to get like three hours lol (it's a running joke in my friend group that I never sleep). sometimes I stop in the middle of talking because I think I talk to much (I've been told many times that I do so I just try not to really talk in a way)i play with my hands a lot, I have a really high pitched (idk sorta cute?) sneeze, I can be very clumsy (I literally tripped on air once😂) when I do something scary my hands shaky after I've done the scary thing (if that makes any sense)

Aquarius, infj

I like reading books, writing, listening to music (mostly kpop). I love love to dance (again mostly kpop). And even though I hate being in front of crowds I do like doing shows where I dance (I've done it multiple times with my friends at school events😊). I love doing my makeup especially crazy colored eye shadow. I love to be outside also. I also like to go on car rides in the middle of the night (I love going to get food then sit in a random parking lot).

I dislike rude people, heights (I have a fear of falling from them) and peaches (I hate peaches)

My favorite movie is spirited away

My favorite song is ditto (new jeans)

notes: hey there!! super sorry this took so long, but i am really happy to do this matchup for you!! not often do i get kingdom hearts requests so i definitely went kingdom hearts for this one!! thanks so much for your patience and understanding and I really hope you enjoy your matchup <3333

THE CHARACTER I CHOOSE FOR YOU IS...

DEMYX!!!!!

this man is such a cutie omg

he doesnt take any hint that you're intimidating, like he just walks up to you because he thinks you look cool and that blossomed an IMMEDIATE friendship and eventually something more :)

he loves that you have a dorky side because you two will definitely be giant dorks together

you two definitely have the same feeling that you and him have this feeling that you need to make everyone happy, so sometimes you'll both have your down days. dont stress yourself out and just chill with your lovely bf because you both make each other happy no matter what!

he is just as protective as you are, so you two always protect each other no matter what <3

you two are nap gods

like you will always be napping together omfg

and like when you get those awful school nights of sleep know that this man will come up to you in your freetime and just hand you a blanket and you two will fall asleep in each other's arms listening to music

you both talk too much and that's okay

it makes you guys really fun to be around

but you are just two balls of energy ready to go and always willing to listen to each other (even if you do accidently interrupt each other lol)

he makes fun of your sneeze, but obviously thinks it's adorable lmaooo

he will catch you when you trip on air <3

he will play music for you

and listen to music with you

read to him because he loves when you do that. he's not a big reader, so when you read to him it makes him all giddy lol

he loves when you dance

sometimes he'll just catch you dancing and pull you into his arms to dance with him <3

HE LOVES YOUR COOL MAKEUP

feel free to do his makeup too, i think he would love it

he would love midnight drives with you

you two would just have light music on the radio and just be cruising with the windows down

it's a calm and sweet moment that you two love to share on rare occasions <333

~~~~~

2023 @tonberry-yoda – do not repost or claim ANY of my work as your own! likes, reblogs, and comments are not only welcome, but appreciated <3

~~~~~

#again sorry this took so long #but i really hope you love it <3 #asks #writing #fanfic #my writing #<3 #fanfiction #kh #kingdom hearts #kingdom hearts x reader #demyx #demyx x reader

[lake-cosay]

jesse & lake songs

nobody asked but here's my list of jesslake songs, minus the ones i found from the fandom which i can make a separate list of if y'all want. i'm here to validate myself lol so these are all the ones i came up with on my own (some of em are specific to just lake or just jesse and some of them make absolutely no sense to anyone else but yknow)

lake songs

Renegade by Styx

the whole song is about being on the run from the cops and in fear for your life do i really need to say much more. plus its a banger. it's one of those songs i would definitely make an animatic for if i had the patience

My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit

first aid kit has been my comfort band, if you will, for years, and i've known this song for years, but recently i actually listened to the lyrics properly (auditory processing issues who) and was like holy shit this screams lake. it's about being stuck someplace you hate and wanting to break out. i was gonna point out some of the lyrics that really stick out to me but it's just. the WHOLE song. but if i had to pick my favorite for this context, it'd be the chorus:

"i hear a voice calling / calling out for me / these shackles i've made in an attempt to be free / be it for reason, be it for love / i won't take the easy road."

(and like. there's always a chance i'm massively mis interpretting the lyrics so,,, idk lol)

jesse songs

Empty Page by The Crane Wives

yknow how at some point basically everyone in our fandom realizes "omg the b2 title 'cracked reflection' applies to jesse too because he copies the people around him!!!" it's that but in a banger song

it's also a little depressing but let jesse be sad sometimes ppl he needs catharsis too

jesse & lake songs

Rebel Heart by First Aid Kit

this one is in this section cause it fits for both of them. like it could see the lyrics being from either of their perspectives. it's also another one where its basically just the WHOLE song that i feel fits but here's some highlights:

"you told me once i had a rebel heart / i don't know if that's true / but i believe you saw something in me that lives inside you too"

"i know you truly saw me / even if just for a while / maybe that's why it hurts now / to leave it all behind"

"i don't know what it is that makes me run / that makes me wanna shatter everything that i've done / why do i keep dreaming of you? / why do i keep dreaming of you? / is it all because of my rebel heart?"

this is another one i can picture an animatic for. curse you adhd

Wait for Me from Hadestown

(i personally like either the concept album version or the nytw/live version best for them)

listen. i'm never gonna be over the parallels between jesse and lake's story and orpheus and eurydice's (in hadestown specifically, lol). obviously the chorus is the part that really fits, but it just reminds me so much of the mall car, the wasteland, and so on, of all the shit that both jesse and lake go through to get back to each other and to get home. dont touch me im emotional again

Vanilla Twilight by Owl City

"please i just want u to hold me again" the song. also it's just nostalgic for me cause owl city my beloved. reminds me of AUs where jesse can't get back on the train and is just stuck missing lake, not knowing what to do and just generally Being Depressed Now

"the silence isn't so bad / till i look at my hands and feel sad / 'cause the spaces between my fingers are right where yours fit perfectly"

"drenched in vanilla twilight / i'll sit on the front porch all night / waist deep in thought because when i think of you, i don't feel so alone"

Ribs by Lorde

this one is mostly just vibes. as far as the lyrics the most i can understand is "growing up sucks." i found the song through a connverse animatic and the connverse fandom got me into infinity train so i guess my brain connected them? but the vibes are so good.

"you're the only friend i need / sharing beds like little kids"

Little Soldiers by The Crane Wives

i almost forgot this one cause i forgot to put it on my playlist cause i hear it all the time on cd in my car. my GOD this is the most jesslake song out there i swear to god. i don't even know how to articulate it more than that. please just go listen to it

the "i swear that i loved you/i swear that you loved me" parts get to me man. holy shit.

#(spends 2 hours making one post) #ghost.text #infinity train #lake infinity train #jesse cosay #jesslake #btw the jesslake isnt necessarily romantic #if u know me u know i see them as queerplatonic

[halfusek]

Since the new Chris Portal documentary showed the true and nasty side of KB/Mike and TheMeatly, are you still gonna Say "we don't know the full story"?. We as a fanbase were treated as shitty as the employees they fired and abused, they don't deserve respect anymore.

uh i dont know where you've been but that video hasn't uncovered much new to me aside from some details from the two interviews near the end of the vid but like all of that stuff has already been known, it is just the first instance of someone compiling it into a coherent video (like the stupid games for kids said by mike we already knew in 2019 which i would not exactly say is the same as experiencing work abuse lol)

and idk why you're being so hostile at me, i've never been one to defend mike nor meatly but tried to find and share as much of the information as i could find about their wrongdoings, like dude i was fucking there pointing out that a lot of employees dont have "kindlybeast employee" in their twitter bios which then got screenshot and that post went on reddit where actual ex employees started sharing stuff (which freaked me out cuz i didnt want to have my "face" on the post dedicated to that) so like maybe turn that down a little

i feel like there's a lot of people new to some things unraveling in this controversy but as for me i've already made up my mind what i think of it, so i'm not so up in arms to scream about things that we already screamed about 2-3 years ago and that might make people think that i don't care or wanna brush it off which is not true

kindly beast / joey drew studios inc / mike and meatly deserve all the criticism aimed towards them, and on the day it was known about the lawsuit i laughed that karma finally got to them because i had thoughts "for all the shit they did to people, they deserve to fail and lose everything, to start over"

but i also think this is an opportunity for them to improve, learn and do better, sooooo i'm just kind of waiting for the next thing to happen i guess

in case they don't improve, welp, they can honestly fuck off

death of the author, whatever, it is anyone's personal call if they wanna keep on supporting some creators or not, and well as for me i think there's so much more and worse stuff that we (we as... gaming community... fandoms...?) tolerate that this seems just... small in comparison. i'm NOT saying it's not a big deal, it has me wishing lowkey that i just wasn't into batim lmao so i could just go. like for example i'm much more disgusted at sc/ott caw/thons wrongdoings cause they actually influence politics so i'm actively trying to keep myself away from engaging with fnaf or that one pirate gay show that i was like holy shit a cool gay couple but then read some yikes things about a character being based on actual real life guy who was a slave owner and that just had me nope out. i guess what i'm saying is i try not to support problematic things but if i were to suport only those purely unproblematic thatd kinda leave me with nothing idk society capitalism something something so you know i just try to weigh if something is actively harmful to people or if there is something that happened that i absolutely cannot forgive and based on that i get into something or not

does that make me a hypocrite? maybe but if i focus on boycotting what matters in the grand scheme of things and indulge a little in indie game fandom that's rapidly losing popularity i think i can personally live with that

sorry for going off about this, truth be told there's a lot of things happening in the world right now that put me in a very doomer mode lmao i mean we all see whats happening, shits pretty fucked and it was hard for me to even spare some focus on this, its really not good to get so desensitized so i also apologize for the harsh tone but yeah

anyways, i agree that we should make them feel like they need to apologize and do better, meatly still havent said a word publicly about anything that has happened and that fucking sucks

i still do not like harassing them over releasing batdr, thats part of crunch culture and all that jazz and i think we shouldnt lower the standards for that for anyone because [insert that image of you doing something bad to someone you dislike but it deflecting into someone you like]

but we should keep them on their toes and not let them think that we will just forget and let them get away with it because wow they've been massive assholes

#its funny because even chris portals first video was late to the controversy in my eyes #(understandably tho cuz it was long and that sort of stuff takes time to make) #it is a good video and i recommend watching it esp if you are a batim fan #sorry it got so long and weird i am in a . . . . . . state #halfask

[chew-and-spit-it]

I've reached a point in my ED were I dont weigh myself anymore, dont count calories, nor anything remotely disordered I guess, at least to a intentional level.

But I'm surely not recovered, and I do not eat in a normal way either.

i've let go the habits that I had to force on myself and honestly I just focus on protein and at the point I'm at I dont even have to think about not eating.

I have days were I eat the normal amount of meals (3) and I feel like shit and insecure. But that happens so rarely that I really don't need to do shit about it.

My day consists of high protein breakfast, and all the macros and then I just have that for the day in terms of meals and have small bites of food or snacks.

I honestly should stop with the mini packages of peanut m&m because at this point Its an addiction.

Im honestly worse when it comes to malnourishment right now than how I was a year or so ago when I was obsessing over my diet, but who cares?

I do 2h of artistic skating 3 to 4 days a week and walk.

I don't know my weigh but people have told me Im skinnier.

I dont feel much skinnier but I do feel like my body got a bit toned.

I still wish I was skinny, but not so intensely if that makes sense, I'm just not so desperate anymore, prbably because now Im much less obsessive.

I am painfully anemic but that adds a twist to it lol.

Even though I'm not obsessing over starving myself it's like nwo I learned to do it unsconsciously. Eating is not a chore but It's something that I need energy to do? Also, I think I got so picky with my food, to the point that unless I have what I crave and want to eat I will not eat. Even if there's been more than 8h since I last ate.

This of course has consequences, my body temperature goes crazy, and I feel like I cant handle any type of indoors that dont have some type of air flow because I just get dizzy all the time.

Even tho I am not obsessive anymore, I do " track" the way I ate in the month by checking my cycle. If my period comes later than 35 days, means that I did good and ate very little.

If not, it means that ate normal. My cycle has times where it either im regular by 28 days with no day off, or im around the 40 to 50 days cycle. no in between.

It's not very healthy, but At least im having my period, just not the regular one.

Im never lost my period, it just has this long ass cycles sometimes, which ends up skipping a month.

I also like the idea that im not trying to starve, I just happen to do it, so I just dont go against it. When I go out I no longer make sure I eat before, I just do the most intricate makeup which curbs my hunger in fear of ruining it.

College helped me with this because I spend full ass days in there without having a single bite of food, and when I got home at night I just wanted something fast to eat, my way to go is a protein liquid yogurt and some fruit and bread.

Honestly, this way of being disordered its the best one I had. Feels completely doable and I dont have to think about it or fill my mind with it.

I feel better about my body also because I am focusing on a specific sport, and being able to do what I want kinda helps somehow. I love the idea of being so thin I can see my bones but if I get skinny in a 18 bmi kind of thing I will not be unhappy.

I've had an ED since 15 and im 21 now, shit got a bit old and I guess this is what it is to have a somewhat "high functioning" ED ? idk.

I don't think Ill ever recover.

[scatterpatter]

Mnnngh art vent under the cut

I really miss when art was easy for me. It used to come so, so easy, even though I'd say my art wasn't as good as it is now. Like I'd def say I've improved, but its so much harder to get art out now than it used to be

I look back at the art I used to make and I seriously lament how easy it was. Even if it was just doodles, I could get so many out, I remember back in like 2019 i could often get at least one doodle out a day and it felt great. It was my outlet, my way I connected with others, the way I shared ideas and made stories, and now I feel that outlet has been practically severed and it really, really hurts

Artfight def hurts the worst. I was so excited for this year, so ready to reconnect with a lot of my friends and bond over silly AF attacks, and it was genuine! I didnt have any big plans this month other than just doing my job so I was so happy to do this. July last year was awful, I was in a horrifically abusive situation and that abuse reached its peak last July, I was in a bad bad place. But I've completely cut that abuser from my life and I'm in a much better space, so I really thought this July would be me turning things around

But as soon as I got a lot of attacks, I just- fucking shut down. I kept thinking on how much "make up revenges" I'd have to do and it got to the point where I'd get overwhelmed every time I picked up my tablet. What became "Hehe can't wait to make art for my friends!" Quickly spiralled into "Oh god I need to do so many revenges I cant keep up", and it just made me catatonic and I hate that. And the worst is that I know no one's exepcting me of anything, I dont have to revenge everyone, its all for fun- I know its just this expectation im putting on myself and im the only one disappointed in myself but I just cant stop how catatonic its left me and its really tough to deal with because ive only done 1 attack so far. Ive spent the entirety of July going "shit i need to work on attacks. Its ok ill do it later." And now its July 31 and ive only done one. I set a goal of doing at least ten. I thought ten wouldve been manageable, but I just cant do what I used to do and it really really hurts

And I keep being told that Im having a hard month. That works been stressful and working 40hr a week leaves me with significantly less free time than I had back in college, so of course i have less time/energy for art, but it still hurts because I dont. Feel like work has been that bad. Yeah its been bad but ive dealt with horrific stress before and ive handled it fine. I feel like if I go "its been a rough month" ill be saying that every month. And i dont want that. Im really healing and im getting in better places, I feel like still struggling this much doesnt feel "right". Hell my therapist just told me that i might be in remission or partial remission for my major depressive disorder. Like I have a professional telling me im getting better but I still struggle to do something that came so easily and it hurts really really badly.

Im gonna see what i can do for last minute attacks. Might not be great attacks, but i want to see if i can get something, anything out. It just hurts because i had so many ideas for my friends and I dont know what Ill be able to do for them and I feel horrible. I feel severed from them and from my main outlet of connecting with others.

And i know its just a sign of burnout or art block or mental illness or what the fuck ever. But I feel like ive been making too much progress in myental health to be struggling this hard. I love making art and i love artfight and sharing art with my friends but as soon as I try, I go completely catatonic and its really really hard because i used to be able to do this so easily and i want it to be easy again but I dont know what im doing wrong to still be struggling this hard

Idk bottom text

#vent #feel free to keep scrolling its nothing inportant just lamenting my lack of AF attavks this year

[yoikami]

Can I use a cane if i get dizzy after standing up most of the time and need to catch my breath after fast-walking short distances? I don't really need one but lately I've been relying on walls to lean on and I feel like it would benefit me, I just don't want to use one if physically disabled people will get mad at me for using something I dont 100% need. Like I can walk. Its just that a lot of the time it's kinda hard. And I have knee problems, and going up and down stairs is annoying for me. Idk if a cane would help but I think it would. (I wont be able to get one for a couple years anyway because of ablist parents but anyway)

Anyway, love you bye :)

Short answer: YES.

Long answer: People will always judge you for it, or even sometimes be curious about it. Most of the times disabled people who use canes like me will not judge you for it, on the contrary, we tend to understand struggles can be invisible. You're not taking something away from us or preventing us from navigating safely.

I hear you, parents can be disconnected from your situation. To me it sounds like you might really benefit from one! Able-bodied people often struggle seeing canes as accommodations rather than limitations. Not needing it 100% of the time is ok! A lot of wheelchair users need their chair to function yet don't use it all the time. I need my cane to walk more, to reduce pain, to avoid tripping but I can walk without it. But it would be foolish of me to push myself when I could have an aid to make it easier.

It's an aid, a tool at the end of the day 😊 You can consider yourself disabled the moment you notice struggles in your everyday life with tasks that anyone else could do without problems. Especially when it comes to navigating your space. I also believe a cane might help you walk longer, you might be able to withstand more thanks to it. Some doctors might not agree but mine enforced the use of one when I told them how it would help. A doctor could even solidify your case, sometimes parents will believe a professional more over their own child 😅 so maybe that could help?

Think about it and don't be scared to try accommodations if you think they'll help!! I can guarantee that when you don't struggle, you don't go out of your way to use a cane, it's something you have to carry around, it can be annoying to some people (I sometimes just keep it in my hand while I walk until I start feeling like I need to rely on it more). I hope you can get one soon because if you think it might help, it probably would! Take care! 🥰

#anon #reply #asks #answered #disability #cane user #health advice #disability aids #babe with a mobility aid #babes with mobility aids #Also sometimes prescribed canes are less pricy 👀

[what-if-nct]

hiiii is it ok if i ask for some advice? im sorry im gonna sound rambly but uhhh i'm 14 and starting high school next year (which i alrdy dont feel too good abt haha) and my (overbearing asian) parents are going to send me to this private lutheran hs instead of the public one i was supposed to go to bc its more upper class and smart (?). tbh i was genuinely surprised that i liked the school, academic-wise, and i rlly liked that i had the space in my schedule to take more fine arts classes (i dont have any in my hs) but like the first thing the principal said to me was that i "needed to learn to be a good christian". a whole hour each week is dedicated to jesus and i just know my atheist ass is going to be uncomfortable asf. first, one of my best friends has a thing for jesus (he says jesus is too hot to be straight 😭) and i cant tell if hes joking anymore, and second, i dont have a problem with people who are religious, but i do when they are flat out hateful and harrassing people from communities they "dont agree with", and i just know the people preaching at this school are the latter.

also rn i am the *only* poc in my entire school, and i noticed there were a lot more asian students and students of color, so hopefully there'll be less kids pulling at their eyes or calling me slurs :D

anyways i not a fan of the fact that "homosexual behavior on or off campus" warranted for expulsion, since i am a *very* queer and bisexual individual. at my current school, i dont really need to hide my gayness bc no one cares, and my teachers are accepting (my homeroom teachers a lesbian lol <33). i dont think i can handle having to hide such a big part of my identity at home *and* at school :( too add to that i really suck at making friends, so being somewhere without people i'm comfortable with, my anxiety gets really bad, and i just shut down completely.

my hs is p rundown (like most public highschools are) and the classes are average at best, so idk man, im torn :( i dont know if i should suck it up and go to lutheran school bc their good academics, or ✨be myself✨ and go to p shitty school :/

i dont know what to do (or if i can even do anything) abt it i just dont feel too good about this :( you've mentioned you went to a christian school, so do you have any advice? even if you dont, thank you so so much for listening to me rant for a moment there <33 i really treasure you and your blog, atp you feel like the big sister i've never had. i love youuuu <333

That is such a sticky situation. Cause maybe you can try to persuade your parents especially since they'll be paying for the private school on top of college tuition in the future, it can be a huge selling point. I know that's how I won in the decision of beauty school over college it's cheaper. And christian and catholic schools are heavily based in religion like it's a huge part of it so if you don't believe in it it can be absolutely mind numbing. I actually didn't go to Christian school, actually wasn't forced to go to church as a child, I was like 11 and for some reason told grandma Christianity is responsible for all the bad things that happened in the world. Which is wild that I even was able to come to that conclusion as a child she just brushed me off. But I did go to church summer camp to be with my friends which my friend and I got scolded for holding hands but she was just leading me through the crowd of people. So that's still unfortunately a huge part of christian beliefs

the thing that really caught me off guard is the homosexual activity off campus can lead to expulsion. On campus like sucks but is expected of a christian school sadly. But off campus in your day to day life is like your actions off campus shouldn't be judged by the school. Like I can't wrap my mind around that. I think since you have a whole summer maybe look for more schools you can attend I remember doing this in middle school because my home high school was an F school so you could choose any high school within a certain range. You'd be really surprised with how many schools are around you I'm assuming you're in the us but I'm sure everywhere has a ton of schools. And look for a school that holds some of what your parents want and also your own values and needs for your education. And maybe your parents seeing you take initiative might be an extra point.

If your parents are deadset on it. I think try to make the best out of it as much as you can usually there's a group of people in the same boat you're in where their parents forced them to be there. Trust me no matter where you go you will always be drawn to those like you every single time. But if you do get the choice of going to the original public school firstly screw every single racist little bitch who does that to you that is horrid I am so sorry you have to endure that. People suck. But you can also learn extra independently I always did that cause I was a bit ahead of my class. But I really think researching more schools in your area would help you find the perfect school for you. I personally was in love with Waldorf schools they're more creative led schools and freer, I wanted to go to one so badly. So figure out the exact kind of education you want like a magnet school, charter school it doesn't hurt to see how receptive your parents will be to it.

I really hope this helped at all and I hope it works out well for you. And Awwww it's so sweet you see me as a big sister, I gladly be your big sister, love you too🌸🌸🌸

[boilingheart]

cw: suicidal thoughts //

idk how to do a read more on mobile sorry otherwise I'd crop it. I told myself I wouldn't vent about shit like this heavy and personal online anymore but I'm not doing so good and I need to put it somewhere

I'm not very healthy and I'm not very happy. I'm not doing so good mentally. Financially things suck really bad, I've been eating one meal a day for the past 3 months and I can't fall asleep until it's at least 5-6AM. I fixed my sleep schedule last week and it only lasted 2 days. It's almost 9AM that I write this and I haven't slept

My shoulder hurts again and I think it's because I got lazy on physical therapy. I'm scared ill dislocate it again. I hurt my knee at work last week and I hurt it again a few days ago and right now the whole muscle is swollen and sore and tender and I limp when I walk. I'm 24 and I feel so breakable and weak, I have no muscle, I'm too fucking tall, and I feel like any one of my bones are going to pop out of their sockets. I still have to go to work and get my license and do other things but how can I if my shoulder feels so weak? It's recovering from a dislocation still but it feels like it got worse, not to mention my trapezius has been getting pins and needles daily for no reason and no treatment has worked and my doctor doesn't know what's causing it

Somethings wrong with my skin too. I think it's eczema, I hope that's all it is, but it's the worst it's ever been. My whole left arm is completely discolored and dry and itchy and it's starting to spread on more of my body in ways I've never seen. I'm scared it'll get to my face next

I am so so uncomfortable. There's no space in my house. There's 5 of us in one house and we all fucking hate each other and There's 3 animals and there's no food and even if there is I'm too scared to go out there to eat bc my parents sleep in the living room cause there's no space for them anywhere and they fight daily and if I pass by one of them I'll aggro them and get stuck in a 2 hour lecture of some alt right bullshit or terf shit or thinly veiled misogynistic or racist takes I can't stand it

You know that phrase you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink? I'm the horse. And I don't want to drink anything. I know all of my problems. I'm not working on a single project because I have no discipline and no motivation and unmedicated ADHD that's so bad it makes me wanna fucking end it. I have so many things I want to do but no drive. I'm passionate about things but not enough. I'm not going to sleep early I'm not eating or drinking I'm not exercising or doing physical therapy I'm not going for walks and getting sunlight I'm not maintaining myself beyond brushing my teeth every night, and showering when it's time to go to work and doing my job as required. I know everything I'm doing wrong. I know that what I'm doing is making everything worse. I know that I could be making it better for myself. But I dont... care anymore? I shouldn't be scratching my arms but I stopped caring about that I just want relief and I don't care the cost. I stay up late and let myself cause I just want the satisfaction of finishing this video or whatever it is I'm doing. Everything is numb. People will tell me what I need to be doing so I can stop and I'll know they're 100% correct and that I need to listen but I don't. I don't have it in me anymore for some reason. I don't know why it's so hard to just so it. I don't know. I don't know if it's executive dysfunction or depression or disassociation or what.

And thing is. I've told myself years ago I'd never kill myself. Cause like, I have so much I need to do, so much on the line, people I need to take care of, things I want to do, a lot of things to live for. I wrote down a list of things to live for that took up 2 pages, and it helped me a lot. Kept me centered and focused. I am not allowed to die because I have so much on the line. I am not allowed to.

But recently I found myself looking at this list of mine, of thinking about all these things, and... it invokes no emotion in me. I look at my long ass list of reasons to live and it does nothing for me. I don't care about them anymore??? It feels so empty. And I know that's bad. But I feel so detached and removed. I am in constant pain and constant stress and I can't lay on my right shoulder anymore cause it hurts and that sucks cause that's my favorite sleeping position, I'm always hungry and I'm always tired and I wake up at 3-4PM always and I have so many things to do to write to draw to create to record but it's not enough. It's not enough anymore. Nothing is enough. I have no drive or motivation. I don't have anything to look forward to. My goal is to move me and my siblings out of this house next year as an escape because I know this household is so unbelievably horrifically toxic and abusive that it will LITERALLY kill us if we stay here longer so I feel bad and selfish giving up before getting us out of here bc it's up to me to make sure I get us out. But I don't want to perform all this maintenance on myself anymore. I'm too lazy and cowardly to fully kill myself in one go but. I don't want to try anymore. I want to give up. I'm very very alone and I don't have irl friends and I have such a horrible way of communicating with people/friends online that I have. I keep everyone at an arms length I don't know how to be friends or reach out, I don't know how to navigate in a social space if I'm not an authority figure like a mod and that's a whole other pack of problems that comes from my inferiority complex. I don't know. I don't know. I need to say this somewhere and I'm sorry for anyone who's reading this and seeing how heavy and personal it is. I meant to stop doing this shit online already which is why I've been silent so much here but. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. And I don't know what to do. I need help but I know that I'm the only one who can help myself because I'm the horse and I need to drink but I don't want to. I would rather drown in it. I would rather drown and I don't know what to do. I know it's bad and wrong and unhealthy all of it but I just can't stop I can't stop. I am not okay. I need help and I don't know how to get it. Nothing is accessible out here. I'm a tiger in a cage and I'm going to die here. I'm letting myself rot and decay. I'm going to die here.

#suicide cw #suicide mention