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rosemary-writes · 3 years

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I can’t, I’m so sorry

(David x Female!Reader)

AN: this story is basically me just ranting about my experience over the past two weeks. It’s very hard going through the grief process and I wanted to share my experience through my writing. This story is kind of a self insert but I still like it

Warnings: swearing, mentions of death, losing a loved one, grief, mourning, crying, unhealthy habits, recollection of memories, soft!David, maybe out of character David, general sadness, mentions of a cemetery, vampire powers.

Word count: 3.8k

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANY OF THE ABOVE WARNINGS

“I like to pretend that you ran away, that you’re living on an island and have a garden and a dog and that your brothers drop by to bring you groceries and books and that you are very happy and free.” - S.C. Pacheco

It happened so quickly. No one saw it coming, but then again, does anyone ever really see death coming?

You were preparing for finals. It was the last two weeks of your first year at college and you had been studying non stop. You were going to end this year with a bang and have a great extended summer without worry in your head.

Then, the phone call happened. It was so unexpected. Dad called and asked if you were alone. Thankfully, your psychology class was on a five minute break and you were out in the hallway. Dad immediately said that he didn’t know how to break it to you gently so he was just going to say it. Following his statement, he told you how your great grandmother had a stroke and she had about a day to a month to live. The hallway stood still and the chatter of classrooms ceased into nothing.

Tears had welled up in your eyes and began to flow down your face. Nothing stopped them as your dad kept telling you about everything that happened. Your grandparents, uncles, aunts, and even your mom went to the hospital to see her. It was a two hour drive. Your dad had said that your mother was going to bring you home when all of your classes were done, for the day, so you could be in an area of comfort. The only reason he said that was because the history of your mental health wasn't the best at all. The previous two weeks were spent being in bed because the stress of school began to weigh heavily in your chest.

The weight in your chest had lessened over the past few days but the news of your great grandmother brought it back. Your face was red as the tears kept flowing from your eyes. Dad said he loved you before letting you hang up. Your whimpers and scattered breathing echoed in the hallway. Hot tears dripped from your chin and onto your sweater as you ran into the bathroom. Thankfully it was empty and you were able to let out your cries. The yellow lights flickered as you fell to your knees. She was your only great grandmother and she loved you greatly. Everyone told you that you were special because you were her eldest great granddaughter. The passing quote in your head practically made you scream out in confusion and upset.

Many minutes passed before your psychology teacher burst into the bathroom. She found you on the floor, face wet with tears. Immediately she came to your side and began shushing you while wrapping her arms around you. The only words you could cry out were “She’s dying and I’m not there.” After that, the day fuzzed into nothing. Your close friend had to come and get you for your other classes. She told your teachers how you were leaving early in the week because your great grandmother was dying. Thankfully, your teachers understood and gave you extensions on every assignment that was late.

Later in the evening, your mother came to get you. The car ride was very quiet and so was the weekend. It was spent with you occasionally crying while listening to your family plan her funeral. It was also spent with you remembering your childhood in her house.

The smells and sounds lingered in your mind constantly. Sometimes you’d hear the ghost of her grandfather clock when you couldn’t sleep.

Sadly, you couldn’t sleep most days. A week came and went and you were in the start of your finals week. It was three days filled with exams. Tuesday was the first day of exams. Thankfully, there was only one exam. When class was over, your teacher asked to speak with you. She gave you an enormous hug and told you that you passed her class. With tears forming in your eyes she told you that your great grandmother would be very proud. After that, she wished you the best in life and you went back to your dorm with your close friend.

As if on cue, your phone rang. When you picked it up you immediately could tell it was your dad. He told you that your great grandmother passed in her sleep early that morning. You knew this news was coming but no amount of preparation could prepare you to hear that. Tears fell from your eyes as he told you to get through the next few days before moving out and coming home. You both said, “I love you.” before hanging up.

Later that night, you cried until the sun gently arose over the tall evergreen trees. The next few days were spent in a daze. Your friends comforted you and told you that they’d always be there for you as you cried and wanted to go home. You took your exams and packed up your room and left the college. You were so happy to leave with your mother and go home for the summer. However, the shadow of grief clung to your skirt the entire time, even as the evening turned into night and then stretched into morning.

With sad eyes, you had looked into the mirror as you applied your makeup and got dressed for her funeral. The dress you wore was long sleeved and it just about touched the ground. You sighed. It was going to be a long drive through the flat farmland to get to the town of your childhood. When your family got to the old cemetery, your father told you that it was a beautiful day for her to be laid to rest.

And it was. It really was. The sun was shining, there were no clouds, and the gentle breeze turned your warm tears cold. Birds and butterflies fluttered around the graves and danced with each other. Even as the priest recited the carefully picked words, you thought of how it was a beautiful day. When he was done speaking, your mother held you as you cried. She let go when she began to cry uncontrollably. Your younger cousins came to your side and wept with you as you walked amongst your sleeping ancestors and extended family.

At the end of the funeral, you tearfully kissed her headstone goodbye and whispered to your great grandfather that you know they're happy now, laying side by side. When you got into the car to go back to Santa Carla, you cried until you dozed off under the warm afternoon sun.

Before you had left for the whole ordeal, you called David and told him about everything that had happened. He knew that your great grandmother had a stroke and that your whole family was stricken with grief. He also knew that you had never experienced grief or the process of mourning. So, he made a promise that when you came back he would stay by your side. You gave a huff into the payphone as he told you that he would do anything to ease the process. Before hanging up, you asked if it would be okay if you could stay at the cave for a couple of days. He told you yes and that he loved you before hanging up.

When your family finally got back to the house, you immediately fled to your room. Your parents didn’t want to bother you so they left you alone. They didn’t know that you were going to spend a few days at the cave. Infact, they didn’t know you were dating David. Your parents just thought he was a college friend.

Grabbing a bag, you began shoving clothes into it. You grabbed a few necessities and put those in there as well. When you figured you had everything, you heard David's bike outside. However, before you left, you noticed your great grandmother's ring on your dresser. It was given to you on your sixteenth birthday. It was an heirloom that was passed down from your great grandmother. When she first saw you wearing it, she had complimented how you reminded her of her younger self. While looking at the ring, your hand flew to the pearl choker that was resting around your neck. They were hers as well.

You grabbed the ring and slipped it on your ring finger before leaving. Your parents must’ve gone to bed because the house was dark and their bedroom door was shut. In the kitchen, you pulled out a notepad and wrote down that you were going to be with friends for a few days.

You left your house and noticed David was at the end of your driveway. He had a cigarette in his mouth and he was looking at your neighbors house.

“David.” you called gently. His head whipped towards you and a smirk appeared on his lips. His fingers came up and took the cigarette from his lips. When you walked to him, he gently pulled you close and gave you a quick kiss. When you pulled away, his hand came up to your cheek. You looked up at him in the moonlight and could see that his face was laced with concern as his eyes studied your face.

“Hop on kitten, let’s go to the cave.” he said, as his hand fell from your face. You got on behind him and when you wrapped your arms around him he began to drive through the night. Usually, you would be happy and laughing with David as he drove erratically to get you excited. He loved hearing you shout as he would go over hills but tonight was quiet. Of course he knew why. You were grieving and he wasn’t expecting you to do any of that. When you asked to stay at the cave, he was honestly surprised.

However, part of you felt like you needed to shout and laugh. You had mentally prepared for her death for a week and now it was hours after the funeral. Part of you begged to be left alone with your ever changing mind and the other part wanted to be with David in his arms as you two laughed and talked trash about the people of Santa Carla.

Instead, your face was resting against his back as he drove to the cave. The night was clear and the moon was bright. In the serenity of the night you closed your eyes. Your eyes were irritated at how much you had been crying and you hoped that tonight David wouldn’t see you cry. He had never seen you cry and you wanted to keep it that way. You always stayed happy and energetic around him. Sometimes you could hear David whisper that he loved your spark when he thought you were asleep. He didn’t know that your great grandmother repeated the same thing many years ago.

You sighed as you felt David’s bike slow to a stop. Opening your eyes, you saw that the both of you were at one of the entrances to the cave. He parked his bike next to the three others and turned it off. Carefully, you unwrapped your arms from him as he got off. As you got off, David offered his hand and you took it. When you stood next to him, hand in hand, he kissed your forehead. You smiled at the affection and he led you down into the cave.

“I know you won’t mind but, me and the guys are going to go feed when you get inside. I’ll change my clothes before coming back” David said, as he led you through the tunnel. You hummed and looked ahead at the gentle glowing light ahead. In the main area of the cave you could hear the noises of the other boys. David’s grip on your hand tightened as you came to the steep slope that led to the main area. The first time he brought you here, you slipped going down. You smiled at the cherished memory as you carefully walked down. Thankfully, this time you made it to the bottom.

“Hey David, hey Scoob” Marko said, looking up as you and David walked into the main area of the cave. You scoffed as David let go of your hand.

“How many times do I have to tell you to not call me that?” you asked, as David walked over towards the others. Marko gave you a teasing smile as Paul came from god knows where. Dwayne followed after him and the two joined the others.

“Anyways, I think you guys should get a move on. I can tell you’re antsy.” you said. David was breathing a bit more heavily than usual and you knew that was his body telling him to eat. Without word, the boys turned and walked away to one of the many exits. As the others ascended into the night, David turned to look at you. It was his way of saying goodbye but you also knew he was asking a question.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.” you said, grabbing your bag. Without speaking, he too turned away and followed the others.

You sighed as you watched him leave. It wasn’t your first time alone in the cave. Sometimes, they would go out and feed while you slept and you’d wake up in an empty nest. But, right now, you needed to be alone to just breathe. So, you went down one of the hallways to your little sanctuary. Months ago, you found a little safe haven in the depths of the cave. It was your little room and it was filled with things you found and liked. As you walked down the dim path, you could see the curtains in the doorway. Carefully, when you stood in front of them, you pushed them aside and stepped into the little safe haven. It was dark, but thankfully you had candles in different places around the room. Setting your stuff down on the bed, you grabbed your lighter from your dress pocket. You carefully lit the candles and adjusted them to keep from scorching other objects.

When you were finished you plopped down onto the mattress that was covered in blankets and pillows. You didn’t know how long it had been since you last slept. The nights were spent with you crying until you couldn’t but by morning, you were ready to repeat the whole cycle.

It sucked. Grief wasn’t supposed to be like this. Many people told you that after a few days, everything would go back to normal. Well, you wanted the feeling to go away immediately. You hated this neverending feeling of sadness. It was like a child clinging to their mother’s skirt.

One of the worst parts of it all was the day going through your head. You couldn’t stop thinking about her funeral. Was this normal? To constantly think of the funeral? Was it also normal to cry so much? You just couldn’t understand the whole grief process at all.

Gently, you got up from the mattress and walked over to the old mirror that David found for you. The candles in the room gave your features a warm glow in the mirror. You looked at your face and how it changed. You looked different. The shadows under your eyes had darkened and your eyes looked irritated. Glancing down to the pearl choker, you felt your throat tighten. The words of the past week began to echo loudly in your head.

She wouldn’t want you to fuss over her.

Even the brightest stars have to dim.

She loved you. She loved you greatly.

Then the tears came. They came so fast that you were honestly scared by them. They fell down your face as a sob escaped your mouth.

It wasn’t fair. None of it was. The pain in your body felt amplified as you sank to the floor. The worst part of it all was you couldn’t stop thinking of her. The way she kissed your cheeks when she saw you and when you left. The way her hands gently ran through your hair as you slept in her lap as a child. How she would sneakily give you chocolates after Christmas dinner and not tell anyone. Her mischievous smile flashed in your mind and it only made you cry harder. Why, why, why? Why did she have to die?

______

From the entrance of the cave, David stood still. Your sadness had reverberated through the cave like a loud radio. He couldn’t hear you but he felt the grief. Slowly, he walked to your room. He had forgotten how grief felt. It was a horrible feeling that he never wanted to experience again. However, he wanted to comfort you the best he could. As he got closer to your room, he could hear you. He heard the rapid beating of your heart as you let your emotions out. When he stood in front of the curtain, he hesitated. Would you want him in there?

David brushed the thought aside as he remembered that it was your first time with grief. He could practically smell the confusion and anger from your tears. Quickly, he opened the curtains and stepped into your room. On the farthest side of the room, you were leaning against the wall as you were trying to catch your breath. Your face was red and wet with tears. The eyeliner you wore was smudged around your eyes and David could see where it had trailed.

When you had calmed down just a little, David cleared his throat. Immediately, you turned around and met his still face. He held no emotion as he looked at your tragic form.

“Get out.” you said, quickly wiping your face. David did not move from his spot. Instead, he walked towards you.

“David, get out! I don’t want you to see me like this!” You yelled, as you turned away to shield yourself from him. He said nothing as he came behind you and wrapped his arms around you. It was so gentle that it almost didn’t seem like David. Again, you tried to say something else but it died on your lips. Instead a whimper came out as you fell to the floor and David gently fell with you. He kept your back pressed against his chest as you kept crying.

“I-I’m sorry.” you mumbled through your tears. David’s face nuzzled your neck as you wept uncontrollably.

“It’s okay. I’m right here.” he quietly said against your skin as you kept trying to steady your breathing. After a few minutes, you had calmed down enough but tears still kept falling down your face.

David listened as your heartbeat kept getting calmer by the minute. It was a soothing sound to him.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking at your face. You scoffed, “No, but I’ll live.” you mumbled quietly. David hummed at your response.

“David, I hate this.” you stated with a sniffle. He perked up at your words and listened carefully.

“I hate everything about grief, I hate the confusion, I hate the sleepless nights, I hate the crying and I-” you cut off the sentence as you tried to not go into another crying fit. Taking in a shaky breath, you continued, “And I hate that I don’t know what to do. This whole process fucking sucks.”

David sighed and kissed your cheek. “You’re still in the early stages of grief. It’s confusing and it’s scary to go through. Especially by yourself.” he explained calmly, “One of the best things you can do is try to think of all of the good things that happened in her life. I detest seeing you this way, but I know it’s something you have to go through.” he finished.

You sighed and wiped your face, “But, why does it have to hurt so damn bad?” you asked, turning to try and look at his face. David moved back so he could look you in the eye.

“It hurts because you lost someone you loved. Your mind can’t understand how life will be different without her. Eventually, you’ll understand how to live life like before and carry on again.” he replied, calmly.

His eyes fell to the pearl choker around your neck and his hands moved to take it off. You didn’t object to the feeling of his cold hands as they fumbled with the clasp. Carefully, he took it off and moved to set it somewhere else. “Lets move to the mattress, hm?” David suggested. You nodded and the two of you got up and went to lay down together on the mattress. Instead of laying next to you, David was sitting next to you.

You closed your eyes when your back hit the soft blankets. It was comforting but you didn’t want to sleep even though your body was begging for it. You were just scared of what you would dream of.

“Would you like me to take off your ring?” David asked, holding your hand up to his face. You quirked your eyebrow at him. “Why would I need to take off her ring?” you asked sitting up. David rolled his eyes, “You don’t want it to fall off while you sleep. It might get lost.” he said, meeting your gaze.

“Uh, it won’t get lost while I sleep because I’m not going to sleep.” you replied, moving your hand away from his.

David scoffed at your words, “Kitten, this isn’t up for debate. I know you haven’t slept in days and it’s not healthy for you.” he argued, moving his hands to your face.

“David, I don’t need you to tell me what to do.” You declared. He looked down at you. His eyes were serious and you could tell that he was getting annoyed with this conversation.

“You are going to sleep and I don’t care if you refuse. I’m going to do this anyways” he said, finally. Before you could answer, you slipped into a deep sleep. Your body fell back onto the mattress and David was satisfied. He didn’t like using his vampire powers on you but, he felt like this was necessary. He looked down at your hand and carefully pulled the ring off. David got up from the mattress and set the ring down next to the pearl choker. He looked down at your sleeping form and smirked before laying down next to you. Tonight, all would be well for a while.

#marko the lost boys #dwayne the lost boys #david the lost boys #paul the lost boys #the lost boys x reader #the lost boys imagines #the lost boys 1987 #David the lost boys x reader #david lost boys #rosemary writes

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lala-pipo · 3 years

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(1/18) *peeks from behind the wall* I hope I am still welcomed here hahaha cricket anon is here! <3 I am very sorry for making you worry last time O.O, for sure no matter what happens to the story, I'm going to be right there to read it! Huehuehue, I literally was not lying when I mentioned that this story is bringing me lots of joy this year :3 Cricket anon is fine now! hahaha my last work place was really bad, kind of black-company-level-bad, and it really took a toll on my mental health…

Dear cricket nony, I already answered one of your non-anonymous asks privately because I was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of email notifications I got from tumblr and Ao3 that I had to thank you right away, but I still want to do it publically because even after days I’m still overwhelmed that you took so much time to write me a whole essay. I’m still all soft and wobbly and squishy on the inside. Your notifications really made my day, week, probably month – so thanks so much again. It really means so much T___T

(2) so, I kind of took two months? break from social media and just literally try and figure out my life lol basically quarter-life crisis also happening, but yeah slowly getting better now! I hope you are doing fine as well, sending you lots of hugs and love ~^^~ Firstly though!! I wanted to say sorry too that it took a while for me to reply hahaha… BUT!! Let me tell you omg during my rest of 8 weeks, I have managed to re-read ALL. SEVEN. CHAPTERS!! So many things to share!!

I’m so sorry to hear that your last workplace took such a toll on your mental health and I really hope that you are going to get better. I cross all my fingers for you and send you good vibes only. Please don’t feel pressured to comment at all. I mean everyone loves receiving comments, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore. So if you feel like sharing your thoughts I’m always glad to read them, but if you don’t feel like sharing them, please don’t feel bad about it. <3

(3) However, since my comments were a grand total of 4,000 words lol, I inserted them in AO3 under "cricket anon" in every chapter! :3 You might get confused as you read them because I take notes as I read the chapter lol hahaha I hope my comments might bring some joy <3 Ahh! By the way! These anon messages are partly not anon since anon asks are limited to 10 per hour? I didn’t know that! :( But since I accidentally have revealed myself to you lol I think it should be okay!

I’ll also try to answer your comments on Ao3 in the upcoming days because (if I remember correctly) you had some questions and I hope I can answer some of them. ^^ But I’m impressed that you went through all the chapters again. We’ve reached 150k now, which is quite fascinating to me because there are still quite a few chapters left. I wonder how long the story will be in the end *hides* I didn’t know that either! I’ve been on tumblr for so long and yet this 10 ask limit is new information for me, but it makes sense in some way – if I think about spam accounts or people going around spreading hate or something.

(4) Also, I think I’m going to make my snorts reactions straight onto AO3 from now on, rather than spamming your ask box with 10+ anon messages hahaha but I’ll still come here to share you my overall reactions and analyzations huehuehue and also to possibly warn you about the length of the comment lol something I noticed, from chapter 1 to chapter 7, the comment got longer lol more things to discuss about, I guess!? But yeah!! Let me reply to your reply to my previous ask here!!

LMAO I admire your dedication. Do whatever is most comfortable to you, I will be happy either way ^^ I think it makes sense that someone can comment more on later chapters because the painted picture gets fuller and fuller with details, there is more information about the different characters, the storyline is more developed and so on… ^^

(5) Is the sad scene in chapter 6, you were referring to the conversation that Jong-Taem were having, and then Jong tried to diffuse it into another lighthearted banter, and Taem is just. tired. of. Jong avoiding the conversation? and despite all that, Taem still let Jong come into his room and cuddle to sleep? idk... I find that scene really heartbreaking :( or maybe it was another scene?

For me it was the shower scene tbh. I don’t know, but it always struck something inside of me (is it weird that I’m saying this although I’ve written it?) There is something very fragile about Jonghyun in that scene and Taemin does feel a little helpless and is so caught up in his own thoughts, in his own needs, what he wants (and doesn’t get from Jonghyun) and yeah – it always makes me go :( but yes, the follow up scene is sad as well because you sit there and think – you two are just so damn dumb, which is something most people, who read this story so far – seem to think constantly, because yeah, they are very dumb – each in their own way. ^^

(6) I think I mentioned in the AO3 comment somewhere that even I started to feel like Taem can just leave Jong because Jong is not trying to understand Taem, I mean, nothing to do with his mood swings or his claim that Taem will get bored of him, just that he isn't trying to see things from Taem's perspective whereas Taem is trying! so! hard! and he even tried to ignore the fact that Jong avoid the vital conversations for like the 10th time already :(

Feelings are a very difficult topic – and while chapters 1-9 are very focused on what Taemin does, thinks, wants, needs, wishes etc. the focus does shift a little over to Jonghyun starting from chapter 10. So the reader does get an inside of why Jonghyun might have acted the way he did. If his behavior makes sense is up to the reader (and Taemin as well) to decide – but I think it shines a little more light onto Jonghyun, who the reader doesn’t know much about – feeling wise –, although he’s one of the main characters of the story. ^^ It’s the onion layers that get peeled one by one. ^^

(7) Yeah, re-reading this definitely showed me muCH MORE parallelism in Jong-Key and Taem-Jong dynamics. Even with Taem's mood in a sense? Like how Jong used to be really upset when Key has a new friend, and then suddenly okay when they do sexy times. Before, I only noticed the puppy-love-ness parallel, but then there is more to it, like I said, Taem's mood affected by Jong a lot, just like Jong's by Key, and also the way Jong claims that Key doesn't understand his feelings,

(8) well, it applies to Jong not really wanting to understand Taem's feeling? by just brushing it off as Taem will get bored of him or Taem doesn't know what he is talking about. I mean as a reader, I am also not sure, if it’s either Jong doesn't care or he is scared to show himself or both or maybe there is another reason? Hahaha ^^;;

This is true and done on purpose. ^^ This knowledge doesn’t play a key (haha) part in the storyline, but it is there to show how blinded one can get by one’s own feelings. After adapting to his new life in a dorm Taemin sees through Jonghyun and Kibum’s relationship quite well, but later when it’s about his own relation to Jonghyun he’s completely blindsided and doesn’t see how unhealthy it is at first – him going back and back and back over and over again in the hope that Jonghyun’s behavior towards him might change.

(9) You mentioned that there will be more Jongtae drought, and honestly, I think they need it? I think some space for them to think about things and you know do other things and talk to other people about other things lol maybe it will clear up their heads hopefully? Ahh!! You said the beginning of chapter 5 is for your own sanity lol I totally understand ;), it was a very sweet scene, soft, and kind of endearing compared to what is coming in the next chapters TnT

It depends on how we describe the drought. The hard cut was done in chapter 8. I went in like a warrior and just cut all the strings, not showing any mercy. ^^” I don’t want to spoiler anything, but yeah – the hard drought will continue throughout chapter 9 – soft drought from chapter 10 …… till ….. *closes mouth* 6v6

Working on chapter 8 made me write two lovey-dovey JongTae oneshots because I couldn’t stand seeing them fight in my own fanfic, in front of my salad. T_T so yeah, the beginning of chapter 5 was for my sanity. While writing chapter 8 I also realized again while I never really write angst, fights – anything dramatic really, because I’m a very chill person in real life, and I like my fanfics to be very chill as well – so writing this was completely out of my comfort zone. For others it’s writing smut for me it’s writing angst lmao. I usually want to wrap up all the characters in fluffy blankets and make them tea, and yet here I am – letting Taemin suffer for so many chapters. I’m a monster T_T

(10) Yeahhh, about the fact that we don't see Key so much since it is in Taemin's point of view, and also the fact that our (the audience)'s perception of Key is very much influenced by how Taem sees Key, right? I think I even mentioned somewhere in the comments, that in a way, a Rashomon effect is present as the readers read the story right, since they are all on accounts of Taem's witnessing, but then also maybe I am just reading too much into this lol

It would be the Rashomon effect if I wrote the same fic out of Jonghyun’s perspective and Minho’s as well for example. In this case Taemin is just a very unreliable narrator and we don’t (well I do :’D) but the reader doesn’t know what’s really going on, if everything Taemin is experiencing is true or if it should be taken with a grain of salt. Considering that everyone in the dorm, except for Taemin, gets along well with Kibum, we might want to believe that Kibum isn’t the bad guy Taemin wants to make him out to be. ^^

(11) Honestly, I could hear my English Lit teacher saying "maybe that is not the author's intention" hahaha xD Yes yes yes!! more chapters for Taem's development!! I am ready for it!! I mean the end of chapter 7 marked the sign of the broken vase, and paired with the JongTae drought, I am looking forward to the next part of the story!! Some character development at this point is perfect I think!! And also!! About the advices, I think I commented a few times on some of the chapters.

(12) I didn't notice that before! And after you pointed it out, I think I made some comments on Minho's, Key's, and Onew's advices to Taem and definitely, based on how the events unfolded, we could argue that the advice was bad - in a way though, I can't seem to tell (yet, maybe?) if the advice giver was genuinely trying to help or do they have ulterior motives? hmmm but either way, I like how you placed a lot of thoughts in the story, even on things such as advice.

(13) Because for sure, in reality, people tend to give bad advices, and act on bad advices. It is true that most fics tend to focus only on the good advice and then the story ends happily ever after. Real life is most definitely not like that :3 your "slice of life" tag is holding up to its name ;) Thank you so much for your hard work!! You added 10,000 words for chapter 7?? omg… huhuhu (insert a bowing LINE sticker)... yeah, for sure, the way the story unfolds in my head,

(14) probably is different to other readers, right? And for sure, very different to you, the author! There are probably a lot more instances, scenes, implications, interpretations? that we as readers are unaware of! Thank you so much for all your hard work TnT, as readers, having more context into the story does give much more clarity on the flow of the story and the feelings of the characters, etc. Thank you for all your hard work! (bow bow bow)

That was something @hwarang-number commented on as well while betaing the story. What if Minho has ulterior motives?!?!?!?!? In Minho’s case it does make sense to give out bad advice to lure in the innocent lamb haha but for example what would Jinki’s or Kibum’s ulterior motives be? Sometimes people want to give out good advice, but in the end it just turns out to be bad advice – unintentionally – humans are just humans after all – and none of us is all knowing, we all perceive things differently, and what might work for one person might not work for the other. I did add 10k to chapter 7 and 25k to chapter 8 – because chapter 8 felt like the most incomplete out of all the chapters in this story.

I think I’ve mentioned it before but hwarang_number is super attentive while reading and figured most things out that I’ve implied – even smaller details which I thought might get lost in the chapters – which I’m still impressed by, but I also said before that everyone reads stories differently, and some aspects that might not be important to me as the author of the story might be important for the readers and the other way around. For the past chapters I just tried to fill in the gaps that might confuse readers unnecessarily. In the original draft of chapter 8 Taemin is doing the deeds with Minho far more spontaneously because he’s so frustrated with Jonghyun – it made sense like that as well – but I think his frustration got more depth through the added scenes. :)

(15) Ah!! By the way!! Please don't feel like you are forced to reply to all of my messages! Having you read them already makes me happy! I don't want to make it feel like an obligation to you because... well omg my comments like super loooooong hahaha ^^;; And yeah!! Take your time with the next chapter by the way!! I am rooting for the development of the story no matter how it will go :3 I will be waiting for the next update (though no pressure, just want to put it there haha)

Dear cricket nony, if you write me 50 message I will still try to answer all of them ㅎㅅㅎ I might just take a little longer. I hope you will like chapter 8 as well, despite the drought ^^

(16) Next time, this cricket anon will bring some more noise ~ I hope your real-life stuff works out well too :D Once again, thank you for answering all of my messages, and for writing this awesomely written fanfiction! While I wait for the next chapter, I think I'm going to re-read songs of siren hehehe :3 Please stay safe!

Please do! Song of Sirens is definitely a story I would have loved to treat like “Dorm Life” in a sense that it would have turned out better if I had worked on it longer, but I’m still a fan of the big brain energy I had running through my veins when I came up with the mythological aspect of the story…lmao So I hope you will enjoy re-reading it. ^^ Chapter 8 is longer than Song of Sirens (just as a side note haha)

(17) Ah!! I forgot to mention!! After I re-read it, my most favorite literary device that you used in this fanfiction (lol this commentary is beginning to sound like a Literature essay) is the Biblical Allusions? I am not sure if this was your intention, but the juxtapositions of Bible verses or reference to God, in Taemin’s thought reminds me heavily of Taemin’s songs, particularly Heaven? It be a sexy time song if you look at the lyrics, but the composition is that of a choir church song

(18) I find the contrast chilling, and maybe you were trying to invoke that feeling to the readers? Orrr maybe I am perhaps, indeed, reading too much into this hahaha ^^;; but really! I really enjoy reading your fanfictions and coming up with analyzations, it’s very fun, and the fact that I can discuss or ask you questions about it is just makes it even more fun – since in Literature classes we can’t actually ask the author of their true intentions right hahaha okay!! I am done :3 Thank you!! <3

It was my intention and still is, so I’m glad you picked up on that. ^^ I always wanted to write a fanfic in which Taemin’s religion plays a role – even if it’s just on the side – I always make some references to Dante’s circles of Hell (when Taemin is being dramatic again) or I also made a reference to Hieronymus Bosch’s painting The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things in chapter 8. (I’m a big fan of his work – that dude was wild – the way he painted blows my mind every time I look at one of his paintings). So yes, dramatic Taemin talking about religion and throwing around with biblical references is my brain being wild. ^^

I would say that ‘Dorm Life’ is not a really deep story, but I did put a lot of thought into it to not make it your regular smut/romance fanfic. I mean it took time, still does – but I’m glad when people, like you dear cricket nony, appreciate it. So thank you so much for your kind words and sending me all your thoughts and interpretations. <3 I hope you will have a lovely December – please stay healthy and please take good care of yourself. <3

#cricket nony #non-fic post #dorm life #Anonymous

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shannonsearson · 4 years

Text

May 7 2020

For someone who reads a lot of personal finance blogs I can’t seem to remember if they start every post with a “hey guys what’s up” or if they just get straight down to business.

My name is Shan, I’m 23 and I like talking about money! I also enjoy photography, travelling and hanging out with my friends and family. I guess this is my intro, and we’ll see what I come up with next time!

Why am I writing this? I found myself in a scenario that none of my close friends were yet dealing with – paying off student loans. It is the first time that I’m on a completely different page than my friends. You get used to being in the same boat as everyone else, so when I was on my own I felt a little lonely!

I graduated after just two years, whereas my friends are still students right now going into their 5th or 6th year! Plus my sister has already paid her student loan off. I’m kind of on my own here. It’s my first time paying back debt, and fully understanding how interest works and budgeting and all that good stuff. Basically when I get an idea in my head, I’m a very stubborn and determined person who also likes to talk out loud. And since I don’t have a lot of people to relate to, I started reading personal finance blogs online. It made me feel understood, recognized and gave me inspiration!

When I was a Youngin’

I was raised in a mid-income family, one older sister with both of my parents (and a lot of pets). My mom is a PSW and my Dad is a car parts salesman. I think they were always pretty balanced between knowing what was worth paying for, and what was worth finding a sale on. If I heard how much they paid for a couch or a new garage door, being a little kid, I would think they were crazy! But they’d always justify their reasoning; “well it’s a need, it will last a long time, and we can, so we did!”

Shopping for new school clothes, we almost always went to Value Village before going to the mall. We enjoy going to yard sales, and just finding bargains in general. My parents like change, and watching HGTV shows. I think they moved 8-9 times together, and that I’ve technically lived in 6 different homes (5 all in the same town). I can’t count the number of different vehicles and camping trailers they’ve owned. None of these things were new by any means, but my parents simply liked to change it up. It was my normal, and I really liked it. They never stressed out about money in front of me, and never made me feel stressed about my own money either.

When I was little I would count the change in my piggy bank over and over and over again, even though I knew what the total amount was, just because I liked counting money. Which is ironic because I am now a bank teller. I wanted a Tamagotchi toy, which was around $20. My mom told me to save up my pennies, and she would take me to the store to buy one for myself. When I’d finally saved up enough money, I showed my mom and she was so proud of me for saving for something I wanted that she bought it for me, and let me keep my $20.

I got a babysitting gig when I was in Grade 7 that was every Friday evening. I missed some birthday parties and things like that, that I was bummed out about. It taught me responsibility and commitment for sure! I got $25/night, just for playing with the kid for an hour or two and then watching America’s Next Top Model while he was asleep for the rest of the night. I managed to save enough money for my first iPod Touch, and an amp for my electric guitar. That was the first time I saved for a “big purchase” and I was super proud of myself!

Around the age of 15 or so, I got a paper route job. I had to bag and deliver 96 papers once a week. I live beside an overpass you have to go up, to get into town, and my wagon didn’t hold that many papers. So it took me 3-4 hours to finish the job, making trips back and forth to my house! The only thing that made this better was listening to my iPod touch on the way ;) Now get this; for my grade 8 graduation gift my mom gave me a Blackberry. It was $50/month. My paper route paid me just $64/month. So after I paid my mom for my cell phone bill, I had a whole $14 left over! Looking back at it, what a humbling experience that taught me the value of money!!

In high school I had summer jobs at a day care center and worked at an arena booth for one hockey season, all minimum wage jobs. My parents never made me work during the school year, and I was too busy hanging out with my friends and enjoying my down-time to really think about or care about making money.

But at the end of high school, when the big question came of “what will you do with the rest of your life?!” Came around...1. I had no idea and 2. All I cared about when it came to picking a career was how much money I’d be earning. If I was researching a career, the first thing I’d ask is what’s the average salary? If it wasn’t up to par I would look no further. It was an unhealthy obsession! Which really didn’t do me any favours, let alone get me rich.

Any who, now you have some background on me while you read future posts. I have lots of topics in mind to come and I’m really looking forward to it! Would it be totally cheesy to insert an inspirational quote here? I think I’m gonna do it.

-Until next time,

Shan :)

#personalfianceblog #pfb #genz #lifestyleblogger #student #college #student debt #finance #save money #learning #adulting

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illusionsofdreaming · 5 years

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Could I request a continuation of the imagine where Kaze was in love with the MU? Like he finally acts on the feelings- fluff or angst is up to you!

Notes: Dear Anon, I know I received your ask a year ago. I wish there was some way to tell you that I finally got off my sorry ass to finish it. Sweet Anon, if you’re still with me, I hope you enjoy this little imagine of Kaze being a flustered mess.

Longer A/N at the end!

Ft: Kaze

He had to constantly remind himself not to crush the bouquet of wild flowers in his hand as made his way towards your treehouse. From the flickering light from your window he knew you were burning the late night candle again. It’s terribly unhealthy and its a habit he’s been trying to make you break for a while. But tonight he came with a different purpose than to remind a careless master to take care of their health, tonight… he looked down at the flowers in his hands and took a steadying breath.

He’s taking a chance.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A few hours ago…

Lately as troublesome thoughts plagued his mind, when his heart’s in disarray, Kaze found himself seeking his brother’s company. He knew his brother wouldn’t tolerate being disturbed when he’s working, kin or not, so Kaze had waited patiently for a quiet night before knocking on his brother’s window, asking softly to join in his meditation session. Other than the narrowing of his eye, Saizo made no comment to question his sudden visit or purpose, the ninja had only turned away and returned to his mat.

Kaze smiled fondly as he quietly slipped in, closing the window behind him. Where others might’ve taken offense at Saizo’s seemingly blatant dismissal, Kaze understood the words that never left his lips. Do whatever you want.

Meditation was not a foreign concept to either brother, having learned and practiced together in the past. Where Kaze’s combat skills have always paled in comparison to Saizo’s, when it came to meditation he had always been better at finding the calming fog and settling where Saizo struggled to even sit still. It’s been a long while since they last meditated together, so it was a fond, familiar comfort to hear Saizo fidget and grumble in frustration beside him as he allowed his mind to drift.

Strangely though, calm was slow to come to him this night. His breathing controlled, his muscles relaxed, the fog was just there at the corner of his mind but the moment he reached for it, it slipped out of his grasp like sand. He focused on his senses and felt the weight of his body sink into the mat, the warmth of the night’s air draped around him and his breathing slowed- he remembered the coldness of his bindings seeping into his bones as he knelt in the throne room of Nohr. His head bowed because of his humiliating capture and his failure to complete his mission. But perhaps the heaviest stone on his chest was from guilt. That you’re alive and well was a blessing from the Gods, but it also brought no amount of pain to the ninja for he had to witness the consequences of his incompetence that damning day, so many years ago through the uniform you wore and the scorn you received. Kaze believed it to be divine karma that he would be captured and put before you, his life in your hands so many years later. He was a coward and dared not meet your eyes but he would’ve accepted death gracefully for your anger towards his negligence and failure all those years ago would’ve been justified. Instead he was surprised when your shadow fell over him like a protective cape as you stood with your back towards prisoners and pleaded for the lives of strangers- his eyes snapped open, his fists clenched on his lap as he released his breath. Mortified and embarrassed he looked towards the side only to find (to his immense relief) Saizo’s still form. Shaking his head, he tried again.

Calm… Deep breaths.. Think of nature… think of the sea.. think of… the strength of your grip was bruising as the ground disintegrated from beneath him. Despite the very real risk of falling together you refused to let go, promising him fates worse than death dare he let go and give up. He remembered the shame that swarmed him when he told you the truth behind your kidnapping and the overwhelming relief of being absolved of his guilt regardless.. But most of all he remembered when he finally found a master to pledge his allegiance to and that of all people it would be you- His breath stuttered as he shook his head furiously. Again.

He focused on the sound of Saizo’s breathing, trying to match their breaths together and slow his racing heart. He remembered the lightness of your laughter, the hint of breathlessness hanging at the end. He remembered how your cheeks would color first and how your blush only brought the color of your eyes out more-

“Enough!” Kaze’s eyes flew open in shock, pinwheeling backwards as he fell on his elbows as Saizo’s shadow loomed over him

“Out.” Saizo’s face was thunderous as Kaze froze in confusion.

“Saizo-“

“Out!”

Kaze yelped as his brother hauled him to his feet and without waiting for him to regain his balance, began bodily dragging him at a punishing pace towards the door. Panicked, Kaze struggled to keep up, confused and more than alarmed at his brother’s sudden fury at him.

“W-wait! Brother-“ and was blatantly surprised when Saizo did stop, only to have his heart drop to his stomach when Saizo opened the door. Kaze barely had time to hold his arms up to avoid smashing his face against the railings of the balcony as he was roughly ejected from his brother’s room.

“You’re pathetic! And you dare call yourself a ninja from Igasato!” Saizo’s form framed the doorway, the light from his room threw his features into shadows, turning Saizo’s already furious expression, menacing.

“Wait brother I do not understan-“ Kaze flinched when Saizo’s sharp hiss cut through him.

“Don’t you dare! Have you forgotten everything you’ve learned from our mentors? Is this how a brother of mine should act? Moping about like an infant child who’s lost their toy?”

Kaze flushed. “I am not-“

“You are!” Saizo thundered and Kaze fought against the urge to cower against his brother’s piercing glare. “Our father did not raise us to become cowards! You will talk to ____________ like an adult and stop this revolting display or so help me I will-“

“It won’t happen!” Kaze interrupted with vehemence that surprised even himself. “They’re my master, the one I’ve pledged my service and life to! It’s unbecoming of a retainer to harbour feelings for their masters. And after waiting for so long, I do not wish to lose this friendship with ___________-“ His survival instincts kicked in and his jaws snapped shut as a dangerous flash crossed Saizo’s eyes.

Saizo took a step forward and Kaze edged backwards in response. “The poisoned cup.”

Kaze startled and his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “W-what?”

“If the only thing between you and completing your duty is a cup of wine that might be poisoned, will you drink it?”

It’s one of many thought experiments the brothers have been tested with during their training many, many times. If an important charge was taken hostage and they were given a choice, to drink the possibly poisoned wine or turn around and leave, what would they choose to do?

The answer was simple, Kaze barely had to think about it, but why would Saizo bring this up now- An annoyed twitch under Saizo’s eye was more than enough warning for Kaze.

“Yes-”

“Why!” Saizo snapped.

“Because at least there’s still a chance in saving them if I took the risk-“ Kaze stopped abruptly, his eyes widened as his face flushed under Saizo’s scrutiny.

Saizo snorted.

“I’m an idiot.” Kaze huffed, hand rising to cover his face as laughter bubbled from his lips. The troublesome knot in his chest loosened slightly.

“Thank you Saizo.” Kaze gathered his legs beneath him and hopped up. Stretching upwards he released the pent up breath stuck in his chest and wondered at the flutter of butterflies in his stomach. His smile widened when he noticed the blush on his brother’s face.

“Get out of my sight.” His brother grizzled, abruptly turning away to head back into his room.

“Wait brother,” Saizo paused by the doorway and Kaze grinned, “Did you really just compare confessions of love to ingesting poison-“

Saizo slammed the door in his face.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Kaze chuckled at the memory, one hand smoothing back to rub his sore behind. Saizo really didn’t hold back when he kicked him out of his room.

Take the risk, Kaze.

He glanced at the flowers. He glanced at your door. The butterflies in his stomach seemed to have multiplied hundredfold in the short walk to your treehouse and he took a steadying breath to anchor himself before rapping his knuckles against your door.

There was a muffled shout and the sound of something crashing to the ground before the patter of footsteps grew in volume. The startled surprise on your face was amusing when you hesitantly peeked out the door.

“Kaze? Is everything alright?”

The sound of your voice sent his heart racing and his grip on the bouquet behind him tightened just slightly.

His smile was shaky as he breathed out and for a moment the urge to flee grasped him. But then his tender behind reminded him of his lesson. “Sorry to bother you so late __________, there’s-“ he swallowed nervously.

It’s now or never.

“There’s something important I have to tell you..”

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ BONUS ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Saizo rested with his back against the closed door, listening until the sound of retreating footsteps faded before he moved away. Kaze really was a fool, there’s still so much to be learned if he didn’t realise there was a third option to the dilemma all along.

“Don’t let your important charge get taken hostage in the first place, idiot.”

A/N: NGL, I admit I used this imagine to explore Kaze and Saizo’s sibling relationship with each other because SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS GIVE ME LIFE and maybe somewhere along the way i forgot this was suppose to be a reader insert. Some of you might be wondering how I know this ask is at least a year old- well, smartass me decided to date all my doodles and as you can see from when I dated my little scribbles for this imagine, I definitely received this imagine before Feb 28, 2018. I wish tumblr would allow anons to receive notification of their asks being answered. Nonetheless, I’m glad I finally finished this ol’ WIP sitting in my drafts.

#fire emblem #fire emblem imagines #fire emblem fates #fefates #fe14 #imagines #kaze #saizo #saizo is allergic to emotions #kaze can be a little shit #confessions #siblings #ninja duo #my art #art

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kae-karo · 5 years

Note

Hi Katie! I’m a freshman in college. I just started a couple weeks ago but currently have no friends. I have a few acquaintances from classes and clubs I just joined but I feel like everyone already has a group from orientation and such and I don’t want to insert myself. I really like being alone but it gets really sad when I’m the only one on my floor on weekend nights ://. Do you advice as to how I could build stronger connections w ppl and actually make friends???? Thanks and sorry to bother!

oh hi dear! first of all, i hope everything else is getting off to a good start for you! hm, now let me add a quick disclaimer: i made,,,,,,,,,pretty much zero friends in college and i don’t remember most of my time there cause Depression but here’s the advice i think i would’ve liked to follow/would maybe try to make more of an effort to follow if i could go back

for meeting people, generally:

you are probably not alone!!!!! i don’t doubt that if you feel like a bit of an outsider, there are one or more others who feel the same. if you see anyone standing alone, not majorly participating in a group discussion, etc, maybe try reaching out!!! they might be in the same boat as you but more nervous to initiate conversations. this is genuinely how i made a few acquaintances that i do still remember (and follow on various social media) today

in your clubs/classes, you might notice that there’s at least one person who tends to make an effort to include everyone in whatever they’re doing - gravitate toward them! they may be a good resource to help you meet others and feel more included in the group

take advantage of the situations where you have to interact with others - group projects or activities in classes, partner work, labs, etc. there’s some study out there that lists some numbers, but generally it takes a certain number of hours to build a connection with someone! so literally just actively spending time with people is a way to move toward those connections! and hey, maybe they’ve got some time to grab a coffee after you get some work done/take a break and grab a snack/grab dinner between classes or something! the worst thing that can happen is they say no!

put in more effort to meet/talk to people in classes/activities you’re really interested in (and less effort in the classes you’re like,,,,,eh about, cause hey we all only have a certain amount of energy so we should spend it wisely, esp if you’re on the more introverted side!) that shakespeare class you took cause u love shakespeare/theater? that’s where you want to spend your energy and mental effort trying to get to know people, cause the likelihood is those people are the ones who you’ll get on with better, cause hey, they probably have a similar passion/similar interests and boom! that’s something to bond over!

dorm activities!!!! idk if you live in a dorm (most freshman do) but my dorm did like tons of get-to-know-people stuff and tons of general dorm activities - this is a great place/time to really interact with people, cause hey, they live near you! it’s super easy to hang out and you’re far more likely to see them on a regular basis! and then it’s super easy to be like ‘oh hey do u wanna grab dinner, i was just about to head over to the dining hall!’

a quick side mention - there are like some apps i think that help you meet friends in your area? i vaguely remember one from when i was in school that my school mentioned or w.e but i can’t think of the name right now. but if you think that’s something you’re comfy with/interested in, it might help you meet people who you might be more likely to form connections with!

okay now for forming better connections with people... this is definitely where i struggled or could’ve done better honestly

consistency is key - for me, i was always more of the like. i only want to put in effort with people i actually feel like i vibe with and not waste energy on people i just really can’t get along with. the trouble for me was just with following through with that lmao. but like. if you see them in the halls or w.e, take that extra few seconds to be like ‘o hey waddup!’ and mention something from the last time you talked, or something you know relates to something that would be of interest to you both (ie u in anime club? ‘o hey so-and-so, how’s it going? awesome, yeah i’m surviving haha. honestly just living for that next ep of [insert anime here], do you watch that one?’ or whatever - find reasons to connect and extrapolate from them!!!)

if you do find some people you vibe with, figure out how to make connecting with them easy - get in a group chat or get their number, follow them on social media (with consent lmao) or whatever. make talking to them an easy thing to do, that way you’re more likely to do it even if you don’t have a ton of energy!

thing from the other bullet point - reasons to connect - build on that! start with the easy stuff (like obvious shared interests) and start extrapolating. like in my example, asking if they watch another anime, or if they have any recommendations! communication (and therefore development of connections) is a 2 way street! invite them to participate and then listen and show interest. if they rec a show that sounds mildly interesting, give it a watch and offer your thoughts on it! ask for their opinions on it! stuff like that!

in that same vein, pay attention to the kinds of things they talk about - ask questions and encourage them to talk! like this is just generally a good listening skill, but encouraging people to talk about the things they like is like the Best way to form connections! let someone rant about something they’re super into!

now, a sort of segue which is related but more on the side of like,,,,,,don’t get into unhealthy relationships: take note of how they engage with you. do they just talk about themselves/their interests with no regard for your thoughts/your own interests? do they shame you/make fun of you for stuff in a ‘joking’ way (esp even after you ask them to stop?) do they put you down in front of others even though they seem perfectly nice in one-on-one conversations? do they try to guilt you into doing things? (literally anything you aren’t comfy with - whether it be watching something that you’re not into/might be triggering for you, going to an activity you aren’t really comfy with, hanging out with people you don’t like or who make you uncomfortable, etc etc etc) just watch out for those things, don’t let someone take advantage of your mental/emotional energy and your desire for connection!

okay last point i think - be willing! that means a lot of things - willing to listen to the people you want to form connections with (including being willing to listen if they ask you to stop/express disinterest in something/etc), be willing to put forth effort on your own side to meet a person in the middle (like participating in an activity with them cause it interests them), and be willing to let people go! sometimes you meet someone and, in spite of your best efforts, there just isn’t any clicking between y’all (it may not be a bad relationship/connection, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out) and that’s okay! not everyone will be a great friend! and it’s totally cool to just remember a few things about them and continue to maintain a general acquaintanceship with them where you might casually chat when you see them but neither of you really goes out of their way to push the relationship (cause it just doesn’t feel right). and remember! quality connections are better than just having a ton of connections, that’s how you feel less lonely

okay sorry actual last point here - it’s also okay to have some friends who maybe you don’t get along with for everything but hey man, when y’all talk about anime, they’re awesome! casual friendships like that can be great too - especially if you have diverse interests! that friend you made in your shakespeare class may have mentioned they haven’t really ever gotten into anime, but that person you met in anime club might love talking about all your fave shows! obviously the ideal is to find a person or people you can talk to about everything, but you may not find them right away! or even at college at all! and that’s fine! just find the people that you can build good connections with and roll with it! it’s a little bit like eating a ‘balanced diet’. for someone who’s vegan, that might mean they get their protein all from plant-based foods, while someone who doesn’t have a specific diet may get it from a mix of meat and plants, and someone who’s really trying to eat a lot of protein might be eating a lot of (or exclusively) meat to get their protein! my point there is like. there are a lot of ways to fulfill your nutrition needs, and there are just as many ways to build a healthy spread of connections to fulfill all your emotional needs! there’s no single Right Way to do it, just find ways that work for you!

phew okay i talked a lot but i hope this helps you a bit, dear! oh, one last thought - if you have friends from before college that you connected well with, don’t forget about them! i mean, don’t feel like you can or should rely on them exclusively, but there’s no reason to feel like you have to only get your emotional needs fulfilled by people at your college. that goes for family as well! my sis and i got a lot closer once i went away to college, so if you’ve got any close (or semi-close) family relationships, definitely give those some attention as well! anyway, i hope that helped and i hope you start to feel a little more at home and connected as your year progresses!!!

#advice #anon #ask #kt

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grubdj · 5 years

Note

I’m gonna be that first bitch in your askbox - how about some drunk Micah antics?

Word count: 1341

Warnings: Alcohol use and slight violence

So, the original version of this was way better and when I compare this one to it, it makes me kinda hate it but I hope it’s not awful, anyways I hope you enjoy and I’m sorry for the wait!

Waking up from your recovery nap was difficult, the sun had gone down hours ago but the camp of Shady Belle was lively as ever - the boys must’ve come back. They’d left early this morning without a warning and when you asked Sadie about it she only replied with “Something about easy money”. You didn’t need more of an explanation really, with Dutch acting as rash as he is lately, him kicking the boys into action in the early hours of dawn wasn’t of a surprise.

There was little to no one in camp during the day, most of the girls went into Rhodes with Pearson for a robbing shopping trip, the men out on a job and the remaining bodies at camp were either ‘unable’ to work or simply refused - which left you and a very demanding Grimshaw. She caught you having a drink of coffee when she gave you your orders for the day, which was guard duty.

Usually, being on the lookout wasn’t as torturous as some would let on, dull and tedious sure, but never enough to make you want to pull your hair out - this time being an exception. Your usual 4-hour shift quickly turned into 5 hours, then 6 hours, 7 hours, 8 hours. Eventually, you just stopped looking at the watch in your pocket and tried to keep your eyes open and on the treeline.

Soon after you had officially claimed you’d had enough to yourself and planned to go throw your rifle into Grimshaw’s face, Sadie came and relieved of your duty. She took the rife from you and gave a sympathetic smile, “Go get some rest, Y/N”. You could barely manage a thank you and settled with a nod and a grateful smile before you practically ran to your bedroll on the splintered floor. Your body switched off as soon as your head hit the pillow and you fell into a much-needed nap.

You dragged yourself out of your bedroll and smoothed down your clothes, tidying your hair up slightly as to make yourself look presentable enough to show your face to the band of outlaws. Pushing open the rotten and splintered wood of the door, you stepped outside and took in the celebration for yourself. Most of the gang was around the campfire, sharing stories and jokes. Others were in their own little cliques, gossiping and laughing between one another.

You were a bit torn as to were to insert yourself, there was little to no room at the fire and you didn’t exactly want to intrude on someone’s conversations, as close as you may be with them. Pearson was at the chuckwagon and noticed your conflict so he decided to call you over. “What’s up, Pearson?”, “You look kinda lost, Y/N” His tone showed that he didn’t mean any offence. “You could say that, just had a hard day”, “You lookin’ for something to do?” You eyed him with suspicion, cautiously replying with “That depends”, he laughed and raised his hands in surrender “Nothin’ like that, just some dishes that need washin’. You don’t got to, just a suggestion”

You pondered on his question for a moment, it was something to do - better than sitting with a bunch of drunken outlaws, for your health anyways. And you could always use it as an excuse to get out of work at a later date. “Sure, why the hell not”, he laughed at your enthusiasm and threw you a cloth, jokingly telling you to “Get to work!”

You walked around the side of the chuckwagon to the basin and the pile of dirty dishes and mugs, rolling your sleeves up and making sure your hair was out of your face, you got to work. To try and distract yourself from the gross act of picking dried food off of dishes, you let your mind wander from those painful memories of your hours in the sun to your opinions on the conversations by the campfire you could overhear.

Soon enough, you were setting the last mug down to dry and picking up a cloth to wash the dirty water off your hands. Before you could set it down rough hands grabbed at your waist, pushing you into the table and hot breath fanned across your neck. You froze, mind racing with questions, the most prominent one being, who the fuck had you pinned against a table?

It was quickly answered when your captor began to speak, “I ever told you how good you look when you work?”, his breath reeked of whiskey and tobacco, you rolled your eyes and turned around to face him, placing your hands onto the table behind you to steady yourself, “No, Mr Bell, I don’t believe you have,” his reply was unsurprisingly slurred, “Well, you do”. You didn’t know whether to thank him or push him away, you were more focused on his flushed cheeks and hooded eyes but managed to catch yourself before he noticed.

“Is there a point to this, Micah?”, he chuckled and dragged on of the hands on your waist to your jaw, tilting it upwards and taking a moment to take in how your face looked illuminated by the soft glow of lanterns and your own blush. “Sure there is if you’d let me just..” He leaned down and you knew exactly what was coming but his lips never made contact with yours. Instead, he was dragged and thrown a few feet away from you onto the muddy ground of Shady Belle.

“You get away from her, you drunken creep.” You didn’t need to look at Micah’s attacker to know who it was, you could tell just by the gruff voice that it was Arthur. You stood in silent shock trying to process what exactly was happening whilst Micah swayed back onto his feet, nearly falling over in the process, “This ain’t got nothin’ to do with you, Morgan!” His shout was closer to a growl and he lunged at Arthur, about to throw an unsteady punch when Bill rose from his place at the campfire to hold him back. They struggled for a while until Micah pushed him off and stumbled away, ego bruised and embarrassed.

You were about to follow after him until you noticed Arthurs concerned gaze on you, “You alright, Y/N?”, “I’m just fine, Mr Morgan.” You sounded snappier than you intended and he picked up on it fast, “You can’t be seriously annoyed that I broke it up, can you? He’s a fool, Y/N. Ain’t worth your time, if you ask me.”, “Well I didn’t ask, Arthur, I can handle myself.” You walked past him and followed Micah’s trial.

You were running out of patience for the gang’s judgements of Micah and yourself. Sure, he was an ass but what did they expect when all they gave him was the same shit. You were told that you were silly for liking him even by your closest friends in the gang, that you were ‘living in a fantasy’ when you spoke about a possible future with him. Now this, he’d finally made a move (even if it took an unhealthy amount of whiskey to give him the courage to do so) and he was dragged away from you and humiliated.

You found him sat against a tree, head low and one knee drew to his chest, softly snoring - looking every part the town drunk. You shook your head at the sight and sat down next to him, head leaning on his slumped shoulders looking across the moonlit swamp. You almost wished you were as drunk as him, maybe it’d help quiet the storm of thoughts ravaging your mind.

Were the others right? Was he really just a horrible man incapable of change? Or did he just need a little bit of kindness and love? You weren’t even close to finding the answer tonight. Maybe, it didn’t matter what your answer was. Maybe you were doomed the second you started taking a liking to him.

#micah bell #micah bell x reader #rdr2 x reader #rdr2 #request #grubdj

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prettyfunkyunorganized · 6 years

Text

Sugar Daddy Hanzo

I WROTE 14 PAGES OF THIS BULLSHIT AND IT’S ALL BASICALLY SETUP!!!! No sex, no full kisses, just some light tension that will hopefully make you say, ‘Just bone down already!’

Fuck me. Sorry, y’all. 6,500 words of Hanzo reader-insert. I hope you enjoy! Break in the middle cause it’s long AF.

EDIT: OMFG I’m the worst friend ever!!! This whole business world AU is based on my bud @watch-your-grammer ‘s post here. She’s glorious and so is her work.

The rest of the story: pt two, pt three, pt four, pt five

“This place is packed,” you muttered to yourself, squinting at the beautiful restaurant around you, “but I had no idea there were going to be this many people here.”

“Oh stop being a baby,” your friend Lori snapped, rolling her eyes at you and shoving you toward the party. You glared back at her.

“What, I’m not allowed to be surprised,” you grumped.

“You were complaining,” Lori said, letting out a dramatic sigh, “as usual. Being a crabby bitch because you’d rather be hiding at home than out at an amazing party. As usual.”

Ever fiber of you wanted to snarl something fierce back to your ‘friend,’ but wouldn’t that just prove her right? And besides, you were better than her jabbing bullshit. Most of the time. Instead, you just took a deep breath and headed to the bar.

“Yeah, go get a drink,” Lori snorted, “we all know you can’t do anything social without liquid courage.”

“Yup,” you sighed, wrestling down your anger, “you know me. Just a complete booze addicted social shut-in. It’s not like I have a job in which I interact with people every day and drink responsibly on the few occasions where I do drink.”

“What was that,” Lori said, evidently not quite hearing your snarkiness.

“I said, uh, look, isn’t that your man over there,” you lied.

Loir perked up, grinning as she saw her sugar daddy, Hanzo. “Damn right that’s my man,” she purred.

“Uh-huh. So you going to go hang with him or – “ Poof! She was gone without another word. “Thank God,” you grumbled.

For the next few hours, you were a good little party goer, making a point to chat with everyone you knew and even managing to meet a few potential colleagues – Overwatch had some of the most remarkable people working for them! What you wouldn’t give to be involved . . . A night basking in the glow of this incredible company would have to be enough, though. For now.

While in the midst of a conversation with an interesting British woman and her lovely girlfriend, an announcement was made that the first course would be served soon, making everyone scuttle about to find their seats. You were tucked toward the back with the rest of the lower-tier guests, which was just fine, but much to your surprise, Lori and her impeccably dressed beau were already there waiting for you. The striking man looked up as you approached, but your friend couldn’t be bothered as you awkwardly sat beside them. Could she be any more . . . handsy? Even Hanzo seemed a little off-put, gently pushing Lori into her own seat and off his chest.

You nodded and gave your best smile as Hanzo straightened his tie. He dipped his head in response.

“Way to interrupt,” Lori pouted at you.

“Um,” you said with a raised brow, “sorry I didn’t want to just be standing around as they served the salads?”

“Whatever. So selfish,” she said, putting her pointy nose in the air and crossing her arms. Hanzo gave her a slightly confused look.

“Is this woman not a friend of yours,” he asked.

“I mean, I guess. Sorta,” Lori replied, seeming a bit surprised by his question.

You were taken aback. Sure, the two of you weren’t besties, but hearing Lori say that was still hurtful. You’d bailed her out of work mistakes a million times, you had sat through hours of her ridiculous sympathy-earning stories, and you had taken looked after her in the midst of hangovers or Plan B store runs too many times to count. That had to be more than ‘sorta’ friends, didn’t it?

Or you were just her doormat friend.

That seemed most likely.

You squirmed sheepishly as you realized just how much Lori had been using you, Hanzo watching you all the while, only making things worse.

“Either way,” he said standing up, “a bit of candor would do you well. You treat people like shit, and you are likely to end up alone. I would know.”

Hanzo turned and began to walk away, Lori scrambling to grab his arm before he got too far. “Babe, wait! Where are you going? Aren’t you sitting with me?”

“No,” he said flatly, pulling away from her tight, desperate grip effortlessly. “This is a business function, and I have much to attend to. Should I have a moment to spare and the desire to spend it with you, I will let you know.”

His stride was long, powerful, and purposeful as he crossed the room to one of the front tables – right in the limelight. Despite his appearance and grace, you couldn’t quite understand why Lori was so infatuated with him. The guy was kind of a dick. A vaguely disapproving expression came to your face as you watched him walk away.

“The fuck is that look,” Lori hissed, making you jump in your seat.

“N-nothing,” you faltered.

She had a ferocious glint in her eyes. “You shouldn’t even be looking at my man, but especially not like that!”

“Look, Lori, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you,” you said scooting away from her.

“That man is a god, you got that? Perfection! Do not look at him like he’s anything less than that,” she seethed. Christ, you’d really pissed her off.

You tried not to laugh, you really did, but you couldn’t help it. “A ‘god,’ Lori? Seriously? That’s just weird. And unhealthy. Putting anyone on a pedestal like that is . . . a lot. Too much. Unhealthy, even. Maybe you should think about this thing you’ve got with Hanzo.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Lori growled, grabbing your arm so hard you winced. “You don’t have the fucking right to even speak his name! Never talk about him like that again! Never!”

“Okay, okay,” you said softly, eyes wide, trying to calm her down before even more people started to stare at you. “I will never say anything like that again, honest. Just, take a breath, will you?”

“Fuck you,” Lori growled, nearly dislocating your shoulder as she tossed your arm back toward your body.

The salads and main course came painfully slow, you staying silent the whole time as Lori fixated on Hanzo like an addict. All the other patrons at your table were giving the two of worried glances, and you gave them tenuous shrugs in response.

“Leave it to Lori to ruin my night. Again,” you whispered. Once people began to mill around for another round of drinks before dessert, you were quick to hop up and avoid Lori. Thankfully, no one else seemed to be dwelling on your friend’s outburst, and you were able to settle back into a more relaxed mood. Sipping a mint julep helped, too.

While the night was going better, you were still feeling drained before long, as if the crowd of people had sapped the life out of you, but there was some kind of dark chocolate torte coming so, of course, you were going to stay. You just needed to hide somewhere quiet for a few. That should help.

Hopefully.

It took a bit of looking, but you managed to find a little hallway in the back of the restaurant with a fancy loveseat. The spot was probably meant for storage space, but you didn’t mind. The music wasn’t so loud here, and a large fern kept you shielded you from anyone who might be passing by. As you sunk into the firm seat, a soft hum slipped from your lips. “God bless alone time,” you moaned, absentmindedly running your fingers along the velvet of the small sofa.

You weren’t sure how long you had been sitting there, and you couldn’t care less, but then a sudden flash of movement in the corner of your eye made you look up. Hanzo stood a few feet away from you, scanning the little room carefully, his posture the same as a child looking for a place to hide a broken vase.

To be honest, he was a kinda cute like this – slightly disheveled and sorta shaky. It was nice to know he wasn’t always so composed and presentable.

The moment he saw you, Hanzo jolted and quickly straightened his back, but his face wouldn’t cooperate, a slight pinch stuck in his strong brow.

“Forgive me,” he said with a tense bow, “I did not mean to disturb you.”

“You haven’t,” you said with a small smile. “I didn’t mean to catch you off guard.”

His frown grew, and he cleared his throat. “You did not, I assure you,” he said curtly.

You covered your mouth in an effort to hide your smirk – probably best not to anger the newest Overwatch partner. Hanzo ran his fingers through his hair and shifted his weight to his other foot. He looked a little like a lost puppy, unsure of what to do next.

“Were you looking for a place to avoid everyone, too,” you asked genuinely.

“I, well,” Hanzo fumbled, his body somehow going even more rigid as you watched him.

“No judgment if that’s the case,” you said leaning against the wall and taking a drink from your glass. “That’s why I’m here. Being in a room with that many other people always starts to grate on me after a while.”

“I shall leave you be then,” Hanzo said understandingly, moving back toward the party.

“No, no! I didn’t mean it like that,” you said, a flush coming to your face. “I didn’t mean to sound rude. I’m sorry. You’re more than welcome to join me if you need a break. There’s not a more secluded spot here – I checked.” You patted the seat beside you and scooted closer to the wall so there would be a more acceptable distance between the two of you.

There was still a hefty amount of hesitance in Hanzo’s appearance, but after a moment he rolled his neck and joined you. He all but flopped onto the seat, rubbing his face and letting out a deep sigh.

“Are, uh, are you alright,” you asked after a few minutes of silence, Hanzo merely sitting there with his eyes closed and his body almost frighteningly still.

“I will be,” he huffed, streching and giving you a momentary glance. “It has been a long time since I was at a gathering like this and it seems I have lost my ability to . . . endure this sort of thing.”

“Understandable,” you said with a small nod, taking a drink from your glass. “I felt the same way when I got this new job in public relations. Went from a quiet little cubicle to schmoozing. Ugh.”

Hanzo turned to you as you made that disgusted noise, chuckling at your grimacing face. “If you do not like the position, why did you take it?”

You shrugged. “It was upward movement, and isn’t that supposed to be a good thing? Besides, it’s not like I loved the cubicle gig. I guess I’m trying to test the waters, see what fits and what doesn’t, what I like and what I don’t. Unfortunately, it seems like I’ve been finding a lot more of the latter recently, but good lordy I’m rambling,” you laughed, brushing back your hair. “Sorry. You came back here for a reprieve from the socializing and here I am yapping at you.”

He shook his head and leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “There is no need to apologize. I asked, after all. Your answer was not all that long either. In truth, I appreciated the honesty it in. If I had asked anyone else here that same question, they likely would have launched into a lengthy description of their resume and career goals in an effort to obtain a better job. Your admittance that you are unsure of what you want is . . . refreshing.”

A wily smile crossed your lips. “You get a lot of brown-nosers?”

“Brown-nosers?” Hanzo’s thick brows were pressed into a long, furry line. Ah hell. He was pretty damn handsome – not handsome enough to warrant Lori’s obsession, but still. Damn.

“Yeah,” you said, forcing yourself out of your momentary stupor, “brown-nosers. Have you never heard that term before?” He shook his head, and you smacked yourself in the forehead. “Whoops,” you giggled, going bright red.

“What is it,” Hanzo pressed, clearly intrigued.

“It’s just a stupid saying.”

“It seems like the colloquialisms will never end,” he muttered. “Go on, tell me then.”

“Um,” you wavered, “it basically means someone who tries to sweet talk you, saying and doing little things to make you like them.”

“Like when someone tries to ‘butter you up,” Hanzo asked, taking the whole conversation way too seriously.

“Yes, exactly,” you smiled, hoping that would be the end of it.

“Why ‘brown-nosers’ then?”

Dammit.

You groaned, biting your lip to keep from smiling any more. “It’s vaguely vulgar.”

Hanzo scoffed. “I am not a young man, miss, I am sure I can handle whatever this is.”

“Alright,” you snickered. “Ever heard the expression ‘he’s kissing your ass?’”

“Yes,” he said slowly, still not making the connection.

“Son of a – okay. So let’s say you go to literally kiss someone’s ass, can you imagine where your nose might go? And how it might get, well, brown?”

“Good lord,” Hanzo sputtered, his whole body twisting away from you as the visual took form in his mind. He grimaced, maybe even shuddered, and you burst out into laughter.

“Holy cow, I’m crying,” you coughed out, still trying to stop giggling.

“Well I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Hanzo said in a somewhat pouty tone.

“You shoulda seen your face,” you giggled.

The man’s head slowly turned, revealing a glare that probably should have been terrifying, but the red tint in Hanzo’s cheeks was precious, so you just grinned back.

“I tried to warn you.”

He kept glaring, but his shoulders softened a bit. “I suppose you did.”

“You basically insisted! Was I just supposed to say ‘no’ to the fabled Hanzo Shimada? The man, the myth, the legend: Hanzo Shimada? I think not.”

A devious smirk suddenly crossed Hanzo face, and you took in a sharp breath. He was both frightening and alluring, looking at you like that. Mostly alluring. “What a little brown-noser you’ve become! A filthy habit. Quite unbecoming of a young woman such as yourself.”

Was . . . was he joking with you? Well, that was flattering as fuck! You beamed, shaking your head and snorted in amusment.

Hanzo was chuckling too, which you took to be an immense compliment. It was probably wrong to be feeling this giddy around your friend’s sugar daddy, but she was a shitty friend so . . . too bad?

As if on cue, Lori’s fanciful dress came fluttering into view. Sloppily.

“Oh no,” you whispered, your face falling flat. She was drunk. Very drunk.

“Lorelai,” Hanzo said, pursing his lips.

“Hey schnook’em,” Lori cooed, tripping over to his side and tumbling into his lap. Hanzo recoiled as her bony body hit a particularly sensitive spot.

“What are you doing,” he growled, setting Lori onto the seat in the middle of you.

“Looking for you, sexy,” she said groping his upper thigh. Hanzo instantly slapped her hand away. Lori slumped, rocking backward involuntarily and noticing your presence. “Uh, what the actual fuck are you doing here?”

“Just chatting,” you explained, knowing Lori would jump to the worst case scenario, “nothing more.”

“Why do you got to say ‘nothing more,’” she seethed.

You rolled your eyes. “Look, I’ll just go, how about that?” With a strained smile to Hanzo you stood and began to walk away, but Lori grabbed your wrist.

“Oh no you don’t! You are going to tell me what the shit you’re doing sitting by my man. And gimme that drink,” she spat, tearing the glass from your hand.

“Perhaps you have had enough, Lorelai,” Hanzo said with an annoyed drum of his fingers on his shapely forearm.

“What’s one more,” Lori shrugged, trying to lean in for a kiss, but she was only greeted with empty air as Hanzo stood up to get away from her.

“It’s just cranberry juice,” you explained to him, “it’s probably a good thing for her at this point.”

“Thank goodness someone still understands the concept of responsible drinking,” Hanzo said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” Lori barked.

The frustration in Hanzo’s voice was palpable as he stared down at Lori. “You’ve gone too far, yet again. At a company function, no less.”

“Fuck this company bullshit,” Lori scoffed, “let’s go back to your place, have a little fun!”

She leaned directly for Hanzo’s crotch, and your eyes darted to the ceiling uncomfortably, but you could still see Hanzo jump back.

“Enough,” he snarled. “I have told you time and time again that is not what I want from you! Just go home, Lorelai, and try not to embarrass yourself any more on the way out.”

“I’m not leaving yet,” she snorted, “I’m having a great time! And you haven’t even danced with me yet.”

“Nor do I have any intention to, especially when you’re like this,” Hanzo said.

Lori’s attention went back to you. “Are you trying to get with my man?”

“What,” you gaped, “no! Lori, of course not! I’m not like that. I know how much you like him.”

“You lying sack of shit,” she growled, “I’ll fucking kill you!” Lori’s manicured nails were suddenly coming at your face with incredible drunk accuracy.

“Calm down, Lori,” you begged desperately, wrangling her arms to her sides. Rather quickly, she lost her strength and began crying weakly into your neck while Hanzo looked on in stunned horror.

“She’ll be fine,” you mouthed to him. “Now that she’s crying she’ll be out in like half an hour. It always goes down like this.”

“You say that as if you have seen this before,” Hanzo said quietly, angry lines forming on his forehead.

“I have,” you shrugged, patting Lori’s back halfheartedly. “You want me to take her home?”

“No,” Lori whined, trying to wiggle away from you, “I don’t wanna! And I’m mad at you! Stay away from my man.”

“But if I take you home, I’ll be away from Hanzo,” you said sweetly, toying with Lori’s alcohol-riddled mind. She fell for it, nodding weakly and letting you sling her arm over your shoulders so you could walk her out.

“What a mess,” Hanzo sighed as you tired to steady your wasted companion. “You should not have to be the one to look after her.”

“I got it,” you said with a half-smile. “Not the first time, won’t be the last. It was nice meeting you, though. Hopefully you won’t end up remembering me as just your sugar baby’s party mom.”

“That will not be the case, I promise you,” Hanzo said, reaching into his jacket. “When you get her home, please let me know. I should be the one to be dealing with her, but . . .”

“People to see, business to do,” you offered, slipping his shimmery card into your purse.

“Yes,” he said with a guilty look. “I appreciate you doing this.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you said heading toward the nearest exit, “no sweat, she’ll be fine and back to . . . whatever it is you two do soon.”

You could feel Hanzo’s eyes on you right up until the restaurant’s door swung close behind you, which was somewhat disconcerting, but you had little time to dwell on it, what with having to take care of Lori. Flagging down a taxi and shoving in an angry drunk woman inside was such a pain in the ass, almost as bad as hauling her up to her apartment and dragging her into bed while she tried to fight you. Again. The whole escapade took over an hour and a half, leaving you tired and salty afterward.

“I hope those stupid glittery tights give you a rash, Lori,” you muttered, walking back onto the city’s bustling streets and pulling out your cell. Calling Hanzo at this time of night seemed strange – inconveniencing or inappropriate, but leaving the man’s request unfulfilled seemed just as wrong, so you dialed his number shakily.

“Please don’t be there, please don’t be there,” you whispered. “Just let me leave a voicemail so I don’t have to – ”

“Hanzo Shimada speaking.” He sounded just as formidable over the phone. Of course he did.

“H-hello, Mr. Shimada. I’m just calling to let you know that I got Lori home safe, no need to worry. She’s asleep and not going anywhere.”

He sighed, and his voice was a bit gentler the next time he spoke. “Thank you for keeping me informed, it is much appreciated.”

“Not a problem,” you said, bouncing on your heels. “I’ll let you get back to the party now. Take care.”

“Just a moment,” Hanzo said hurriedly, “I am no longer needed here, and I would like to . . . discuss something with you, if you have a moment.”

“Oh,” you said timidly, trying to understand why on Earth this man was bothering with you. Had you done something wrong? You had probably done something wrong. Or maybe he just needed to threaten you into keeping the sloppy antics of his sugar baby quiet? That kinda made sense.

“Forgive me, I just looked at my watch. It is dreadfully late, perhaps I should just speak with you tomorrow,” Hanzo said after your long pause.

“No, no, that’s fine. I suddenly find myself wide awake,” you huffed, massaging your temple.

“Is something wrong,” he asked slowly. “I do not wish to bother you.”

You laughed through the tension building in your gut. “Oh, you know, it’s just not every day you go to a swanky party, meet a mass of important people, haul your unappreciative wasted friend home, and then start up a chat with one of the biggest names in the business world. Hell of a night. Hell. Of. A. Night.”

Hanzo chuckled at your frazzled tone which really did not make you feel better. “I do believe Lorelai’s behavior cost you your dessert course. Allow me to make it up to you. Where are you?”

“Um,” you hesitated, “still by Lori’s.”

“Wonderful,” he said, his voice becoming much more casual, “meet me at Leone’s Confections. I will be there as soon as I am able.”

The line went dead, and you were left staring at the touchscreen in disbelief. “The fuck have I gotten myself into?”

While it wasn’t exactly a short walk to the little candy shop, the trip flew by as your imagination began to race with possible scenarios for the rest of your night. You couldn’t help but think about the rumors about Hanzo – the missing competitors, the arson suspicions, the ruined lives of those who spoke against him. Not to mention his brother. No one knew for sure when had happened to him, but you had seen the younger Shimada for yourself, patched back together with circuitry and metal.

You were scared.

Surrounded by the heavenly scent of sweet flavors, but scared.

Maybe you’d at least get some good chocolate before you were blackmailed and forced to leave the country?

A small bell dinged, and Hanzo strode through the door of the otherwise empty establishment, exchanging a friendly greeting with the old man behind the counter before coming to join you at the small table.

“I hope I did not keep you waiting,” he said sitting across from you and crossing his leg over the opposite knee.

“N-no,” you said, the word crumbling in your throat.

Hanzo’s head tipped to the side curiously. “Are you feeling alright? You are shaking.”

“Fine, sir, fine,” you lied, clamping your hands together to keep them from twitching with nerves.

“Sir?” Hanzo seemed almost offended, but then he looked at the empty table and glanced at the shop owner and sighed. “Leone, this is not that type of meeting, no need to be inhospitable. Turn on the music, get the woman a drink.”

“How was I supposed to know,” the other man grumped, “most of the time when you bring people here in the middle of the night it’s not for pleasantries.”

Classical music began to float from the speakers and Leone brought you each a cup of water, convincing you to relax just a hair. As Leone set down your glass, he leaned in to whisper, “Usually he’s here threatening gents and smackin’ people around. There’s a reason Mr. Fancy-Pants-McGee wears black gloves, little lady.”

“Leone,” Hanzo warned with a scowl.

“They don’t show the blood stains,” Leone explained. Your eyes went wide, and you couldn’t think of anything to say in response, especially when the old fart winked at you.

“LEONE!”

The man burst out laughing and walked away as Hanzo put his head in his hands miserably.

You were going to beat Lori’s skinny ass for getting you into this.

“That is not true,” Hanzo said once he looked up and saw your terrified face. “Well, somewhat true, but – chikushō! I am not here to hurt you, I promise, and please, do not be frightened of me. You are safe here, I assure you.”

Hanzo’s face was oddly . . . sad, as if your fear was a terrible scolding. “Alright,” you said with a deep breath, “it’s just, well, this is a lot to take in. I’m not used to being around people of your, I suppose, rank. Alone. In the dead of night.”

“You apprehension is understandable,” Hanzo said softly, smiling at you in a way that made your heart race, “but I hope it will dissipate.”

“Not gonna lie to you,” you said with a small smirk, “chocolate would help.”

His rolling laugh was loud enough to fill the whole room and warm enough to give you the shivers. “When does chocolate not help? Leone! Put your finest blend on the stove for me, will you?”

“It’s already bubblin,” the old man replied, “want it doctored up tonight?”

Hanzo looked back to you. “How do you prefer your cocoa? Minty? Topped with cinnamon? Extra rich?”

“Is kicked in the ass with chili pepper an option?”

“Oh, I like her,” Leone snickered.

“An excellent choice,” Hanzo agreed with a grin.

A few moments later you were breathing in the scent of perfectly spiced cocoa and marveling at the impeccable taste dancing along your tongue. Your eyes were closed in reverence and for a second or two you for all about the situation around you.

“Ara ma-a,” Hanzo murmured softly, making you jump. He was staring at you, something like shock on his face.

“What is it,” you asked, wiping your nose in case you had whipped cream on it.

“You are beautiful. Incredibly so. I could not help but notice at the dinner party, but seeing you here, like this – perfection.”

“I don’t know what you say,” you admitted, face red as a rose and innards twisting like old roots.

“Perhaps I was wrong,” he said slyly, “seeing you flustered is somehow even more immaculate.”

“Oh, now you’re just trying to rile me up,” you scoffed, laughing at your own embarrassment. “Rude, sir. Very rude.”

“It needed to be said,” he insisted, still ogling you.

“I’m sorry,” you said shaking the timidity from your mid, leaning forward onto the table and looking Hanzo right in the eye, “don’t you already have a girl on your arm? My friend, even? It’s downright dishonorable of you to be showering me with flirtations and stealing glimpses of me in this low cut dress like that.”

“What,” he gulped, jolting back and looking at you disbelief, “I was not – I would never do such a thing! Yes, I may have been . . . forward with my compliments, and I apologize if that was too much, but I swear I was not ‘stealing glimpses’ of – ”

You let out a loud snort as you started laughing again. “Got you good, didn’t I, Mr. Shimada?”

He frowned at you, face pinched as you giggled and drank your hot chocolate. “You were joking.”

“Yes,” you nodded.

“Trying to frazzle me as I frazzled you.”

“Yup.”

“Hm,” he grunted, slowly crossing his arms and looking you up and down, “not many are brave enough to do such a thing.”

“You’re the one who started it,” you muttered, peeking out from behind your mug.

A smile bloomed on his face again. “It was not my intention to upset you! I was only – ”

“Only saying crazy flirty stuff that would make any girl stammer!”

He set out a loud scoff, but shrugged in agreement. “I suppose that is true. Please accept my sincere apology. It has been a long time since someone had the nerve to call me out on what I say and it seems I may have lost touch with conventional social guidelines.”

“Well at least you were saying sweet things,” you replied, “it’s not as if I mind too much. I hope you weren’t too offended by me messing with you. Couldn’t help myself.”

“No offense was taken at all. Maybe I need more of that, in fact. I have not felt this . . . normal in ages.”

There was a weariness in Hanzo’s eyes that was undeniable, as if there was far too much weighing down on the man.

“Hey,” you said gently, “are you alright? I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.”

“You have not,” Hanzo said with a wave of his hand, “I did. It seems my mind is swaying into darker places all of a sudden, even in such pleasant company.”

With one last gulp, you finished the last of your drink and set it aside so you could scoot closer to Hanzo. The bags under his eyes were heavy. “Why don’t you tell me why you asked me here so you can go home and rest. You look exhausted.”

“I am,” he sighed, staring out the window, “and the exhaustion never seems to go away.” After a lengthy pause, Hanzo’s gaze shifted back to you with a thin smile. “What a terrible host I am, lapsing into pensive silences and forcing you to stay up so late. I am not usually this thoughtless.”

“At least the drinks are good,” you teased lightly, “now, tell me what else you need from me before you pass out in that chair.”

“Right,” he huffed, gloves running through his long bangs, “I mostly wished to compensate you for any trouble Lorelai may have caused you – the cab fare, things of that sort.”

“No need,” you said, “I may have grabbed her credit card out of her purse and used it to pay for the ride home.”

Hanzo chuckled, “I can hardly blame you.”

“I wasn’t going to, but then she went and tore my favorite coat,” you said examining the mangled seam of your jacket. “Guess I was feeling a little petty.”

“You should have seen me after she vomited on my bed. I was irate,” Hanzo grimaced.

“Ugh,” you said with a shudder, “that’s disgusting!”

Again Hanzo lingered, as if he didn’t quite want to leave his seat despite the budding sunset.

“Is there anything else, Mr. Shimada?”

“Yes, yes ther is. Just one more thing, something that I will likely regret asking, but must nonetheless. Are you, by any chance, available? I have dismissed Lorelai from my employ and am looking for someone to take her place. I would very much like it to be you.”

“O-oh,” you blurted bluntly, shocked by his offer.

Hanzo was on his feet in a flash, taking a step back from you. “Forgive me, I should not have – ”

“It’s okay,” you said quickly, heat radiating from your cheeks, “I was just surprised is all! I didn’t mean to seem unappreciative or – ”

“There is no need to explain,” he said, his voice abrasive and cold all at once.

“But I want to,” you said desperately, standing in front of him with your hands over your heart. “It’s not that I’m not flattered – I am – but I’ve never done anything like that before, being a sugar baby or whatever you want to call it! I’m not from a wealthy family like Lori is, I don’t know fancy table manners like she does, heck, I was terrified to go to this party tonight because I was afraid everyone would know what a cheap dress this is. I’ve never owned anything designer-y in my life! You’re a refined man, and you should have someone equally refined on your arm.”

“Refined,” Hanzo repeated, inching closer to you and sitting on the table, his arm close enough to touch if you just extended your fingers. “I have been with refined women most of my life, some very unrefined ones as well, but I am alone yet again. None of them have ever been what I needed. You, however.” He took your hand, turning it over in his own. “I have smiled more with you in the last half hour than I have in years. I do not care how you were raised, what cutlery you use, or what brand you wear. I simply want you. As you are. To see if this feeling of ease you have given me can last.

Unfortunately, I am not in a position to date normally. My past is . . . complicated, and I will not burden anyone with the mess of a man I have become. Should you be interested in spending some time with me, I would happily pay you. I would prefer it that way, honestly. This sort of arrangement allows me to see someone with enough distance to – Forgive me, I don’t know how to explain it. I simply feel better like this, with a clean cut exchange of services, odd as that may seem.”

“I understand,” you said thoughtfully, “well, maybe not entirely, but enough. The payments makes you feel as if there is a more proper trade, and if something goes wrong, things can be cut short with less drama. Hopefully. But I guess there’s always a Lori or two out there to complicates things.”

“True,” he laughed, rubbing his eyes. “On all accounts. I believe that is why the ‘sugar daddy’ relationship appeals to me, at least for now.”

You took another moment to think, but in all honesty, your mind was already made up. Hanzo was a fascinating, handsome, captivating man, and you couldn’t deny the attraction pumping through your body. And life in this city wasn’t cheap. Maybe you should try something new, something you craved for the sheer unusualness of it all.

“I’m free tomorrow,” you said leadingly.

“Really,” he asked, brows high.

“Sure am. You might have to be patient with me, though. I’ve never done anything even remotely like this before.”

“You have my word, I will never force you into anything you do not wish to do,” he said, squeezing your hand before letting it drop.

“Sounds good then,” you smiled.

Hanzo stood, and you automatically swayed closer to him. Good god, he was doing things to you . . . Things the world had taught you to be ashamed of. Things that felt wonderful.

“I am overjoyed to have you to accept,” he said, “but I should warn you.”

“What,” you groaned worriedly.

He smirked. “I usually start arrangements of this nature with a kiss. A way to test the waters, if you will.”

“Oh is that so,” you said doubtfully. Hanzo only shrugged, his grin widening. You pretended to think it over for a moment, something in the sweet shop’s glass case catching your eye. “I’ll let you kiss me on the cheek,” you said firmly, “but that’s all I’m comfortable with tonight.”

“I will happily take what I can get,” he hummed, putting his hand on your waist and pulling you closer. His kiss was incredibly tender and lingered just long enough to make you want more. Fuck. He might be too good.

“Are you sure that is all you want,” he asked, fingers winding to the small of your back.

“Yes? Yes! For now.” You returned his kiss with a quick peck on Hanzo’s cheekbone. “Bribe me with some dark chocolate raspberry truffles, and I’ll probably let you have a proper smooch. Maybe.”

“I will keep that in mind,” he laughed.

“I swear I’m not a sellout,” you said awkwardly, embarrassed by your own offer.

“Do not be ashamed of this, my beauty, or you will not enjoy it, and I would hate for that to happen,” Hanzo said, releasing you.

“I’ll do my best,” you said, feeling a bit lightheaded. He walked you to the street, waving down a taxi and paying the driver in advance.

“Thank you, Mr. Shimada,” you said through the window, the cabbie more than willing to let you chat another moment as he counted out his lofty tip.

“My pleasure, but we will have to discuss this “Mr. Shimada’ matter next time we meet.”

“Would you prefer I call you something else?”

He stroked his jawline carefully. “That will depend on the nature of our relationship. Usually, Mr. Shimada is fine, but perhaps not for you.” He leaned onto the metal of the car door, a scheming look in his eyes. “In time, I will likely allow you to call be Hanzo in private, possibly even in public if this goes well. But,” he leaned in closer, “if this goes very well, I will hopefully be able to convince you to call me ‘master,’ at least when I have you strung up above my bed.”

In an instant your whole body was flushed red, stunned and hungering for more, your mouth stammering uselessly.

“Into the kinky shit,” the cab driver said, ruining the mood, “nice.”

Both you and Hanzo glared at the man in perfect time.

“Do not make me come in there,” Hanzo growled, “I imagine it would be quite hard for you to do your job with all ten of your fingers broken.”

“And sitting in a car all day after surgery for a broken urethra isn’t real fun either,” you snapped.

The driver’s eyes went wide, and his mouth clamped shut.

“Good choice,” you mumbled, turning back to Hanzo for a quick good night, but he was staring at you with a dumbfounded expression that made you laugh. “Okay, so, once upon a time in college I may have kicked a misogynist in the crotch so hard I broke his dick. It was an accident, but not one I really regretted.”

“Wa-o,” he sputtered, melting into laughter so strong he had to wipe tears from his eyes, “you are a marvel. Go, now, before I change my mind and beg you to come home with me.”

“Okay,” you giggled, thankful you hadn’t scared him off. “Take care, and get some sleep, alright? You look you could keel over.”

“I will,” he promised you with a warm smile. “Until tomorrow, my beauty.”

@watch-your-grammer @collinssie

#overwatch #overwatch drabble #my drabble #hanzo x reader #mine #hanzo #reader insert

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smugwanderlust · 4 years

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Hello all, I hope everyone is having a splendid quarantine. Ha! What a ridiculous thing to say because I am sure no one is actually enjoying the quarantine, but if you are, good for you.

Like I mentioned in my last blog I am pretty stressed out over all of this and I know that I am not the only one. My husband is an assistant supervisor at a vitamin factory, Designs For Health, and due to high demand he is working way more then he should. Not to mention that half the employees had to leave temporaryly because they were deemed high risk, which results in my husband work 60-90 hour work weeks. Which of course translates to me parenting solo. That is my own personal stress and I know that a lot of people have it worse then me so I am not complaining. Simply, getting my thoughts out of my head.

I’ll be relived, as will most of the nation when this whole thing blows over and life can get back to normal.

Anyways, I am way off topic here. I wanted to talk to you guys about my acne problem and the solutions I have found that have helped me.

First let me just say that I had a slight acne problem in high school. I’d breakout here and there but never anything super serious. Which was very fortunate for me. I think it was because I didn’t wear makeup and I had pretty strict diet. It helped, I guess (depending on how you look at it), that my boyfriend at the time didn’t like it when I wore makeup and was not a fan of junk food. Looking back he was kind of an asshat but c’est la vie. He was a former quarter back of his high school and had big dreams of making it into the NFL, until a snowboarding accident tore that dream apart. Insert dramatic music, dum dum dum…

Anyways, because of his dreams he was always careful of what he ate and watched what I ate as well. Not that I ate much because I had a slight…ok maybe more then slight… eating disorder. I remember one time after school, my ex and I were hanging out and I grabbed some potato chips out of the pantry and he watched me eat them. I counted and 10 chips in he said that was more then enough taking the bag away from me and putting it back into the cupboard. I asked him if he thought I was eating to much and he said, and I’ll never forget this, that I was gaining a little weight but he didn’t like it when I ate junk because it made my face break out. I told him that I could cover it up with makeup and he said makeup was for girls who had something to hide. That if I took care of myself I wouldn’t need it.

Well, I was 115 lbs, and far from fat. It came across the wrong way but the point was a valid one. (Also I just want to say that he turned out to be a really great personal and pastors at a church now. My memories are of him 10 years ago.)

Really quick, let me embarrass myself by showcasing me in high school! What a laugh…

15 & Glamorous (My goth days…)

Back when too much eye-liner was the “cool” thing to do

16 & Sunburnt

17, friends, & the beaches of Mexico

17 & Rocking my first selfie…(yikes!)

Senior Prom

Class of 2009

16 & Sunburnt

Class of 2009

17 & Rocking my first selfie…(yikes!)

Senior Prom

17, friends, & the beaches of Mexico

Back when too much eye-liner was the “cool” thing to do

15 & Glamorous (My goth days…)

Senior Prom

Class of 2009

Senior Prom

17 & Rocking my first selfie…(yikes!)

16 & Sunburnt

Anyways…

When it comes to our skincare and our acne problems one of the first things you can do to help your skin is give it a break. A break from oily makeup and lotions. Also, give your body a break. Being healthy on the inside WILL reflect on the outside. This is coming from the queen of pizza and M&Ms, so believe me, I know how hard it is to switch out the bad for the good. It is my number one thing that I do though if I am experiencing a breakout, cut out the junk.

Like I said, I didn’t have too much trouble with acne in high school, but I had huge amounts of trouble with acne after I had my first child and my pre-thirties hit.

I am almost 30, let’s have a moment if silence…

Ok, moving swiftly on….

Let me show you some pictures of my skin last January.

Gross right?

I tried everything from witch hazel to 29 different skincare lines. Which was A LOT. I bought the high end items at Ulta Beauty, best sellers on Amazon, and almost everything Target had to offer. I also paid for expensive facials, but NOTHING, was working. It was crazy and very embarrassing. Not to mention terrible for my self-esteem.

Anyways, I needed to find something, anything, really that would make my skin look better.

I reached out to my cousin, who is a consultant for Arbonne. We tried a few products and for the first time in this get-this-acne-the-hell-off-my-face journey I had relief. Now I have a solid skincare routine and my face looks SO MUCH BETTER!

See for yourself:

The photo on the left, is screen grabbed from a video I did with my daughter, I didn’t even have enough self esteem to take a selfie last year. Sad right? Well the photo on the right is me one year later and all I am wearing in the second photo is mascara. The difference is evident. However I posted a few more fresh-out-of-the -shower pictures to further drive my my point home.

As you can see I still have few problem areas but overall… IT IS MUCH BETTER! Not bad looking for being a few months shy of the big THREE O (30 in case that was confusing.)

So, here is the deal, I am not an expert or some famed blogger trying to make the big bucks… Is that even a thing? hmmm…

At any rate, I am going to give you some solid tips that really helped me overcome my acne problem.

Acne Tips & Tricks:

Cut out dairy, gluten, soy, unhealthy fats and sugars. I know that this is a tough one, believe I KNOW. I could eat frozen pizza, Dr. Pepper, and M&Ms DAILY. I am a firm believer that if you are healthy on the inside it will reflect on the outside. I am sure there is a lot of science behind this but today I wanted to blog from the heart and not give out an overkill of information.

Use Tea Tree Oil: Tea tree oil can be a powerful weapon against acne. Several studies have shown that it helps reduce the severity of a breakout. You can make your own acne treatment by mixing one part tea tree oil with nine parts water and applying the mixture to affected areas with a cotton swab once or twice a day, as needed. This for sure works for me, if I of course, combine it with other helpful get-rid-of-acne tricks. Another way to go about this is adding a few drops to your moisturizer.

CHANGE YOUR PILLOWCASE! OK, I know that you don’t want to be yelled at for not changing your pillowcase – especially by some random blogger – but I swear on the bible (Forgive me Jesus) that this works. Think about all the nasty oils your body, hair, and face create throughout the day and at night? Then you sleep in that fifth night after night after night. Ew. just, EW y’all. I change my pillowcase / sheets at least once a week. Even if you shower at night – your sheets still collect the nasties! Especially if you’re doing the nasty (sorry grandma.) So change em!

Use a fresh washcloth daily. Ugh, I know, this only means MORE laundry… and trust me I get that. I mean I have a seven month old and a three year old… plus a spouse who rarely does chores. So I get it, I really do, but when a washrag sits out for awhile its collects bacteria and then you wash your face with it… at that point you are only spreading the bacteria all over your face. This is also true for dishtowels. Consider this: Nothing is ever completely germ-free, even a fresh towel that has just come from the dryer. Yikes! So naturally a used washcloth that is left to air out each day gives bacteria and other microbes more of a chance to grow and spread. Yummy… only not so much, right? Each time you use a cloth to wash your face, dead skin cells get caught in it, providing even more food for the bacteria that gather in the towel. Laundering your washcloth regularly may not kill every germ it contains, but it will lessen the overall amount of bacteria and decrease your chances of catching an illness [source: National Institutes of Health]. I know, I know, I said I wouldn’t poulute you with sources tonight but I had to on this one.

Take time to relax: Stress and anxiety are a big cause to my acne flair ups. I have learned to take time for me and relax when I am feeling overwhelmed. As hard as this may be sometimes. and believe me I get that too, but it is needed and will help you look/feel so much better. So do something for you, write, read, watch a movie, girls night out… whatever, just take the time relax and de-stress.

Clean your makeup utensils: I CANNOT stress the importance of this enough. Just as bacteria grows on washcloths, it can grow into your beauty items as well. For more information on this please read my blog, Makeup Brush 101.

Haircare: If you have oily or greasy hair and you wear it down a lot, or you have bangs and it rests on your forehead the oils will spread to your face. If your haircare routine is leaving your hair oily then it’s time to find something new. You don’t want those oils transferring to your face. When my acne flairs up I tend to wear my hair completely out of my face until it clears up.

Don’t pick your face OR pop those pimples: There is so much information on this topic that I am simply going to leave you a link, that you should check out, because it has some great advice. Very Well Health.

Stay hydrated: Like I was talking about earlier it is important to have a healthy gut and part of having a healthy gut is drinking ample amounts of water. Seems weird but I double my water intake every time I have a flare up because toxins flush out my system faster.

Have a good skincare routine: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT! Why?

Our skin sheds itself daily

Beautiful skin is a lifelong process – If you want gorgeous skin 30 years from now, the choices you make today will make that happen.

PREVENTION IS EASIER AND CHEAPER – Taking good care of your skin health daily will save you money in the long run. Skin problems like deep wrinkles, hyperpigmentation, acne scarring, or other skin issues can be prevented with a daily skin care routine and can prevent costly trips to a dermatologist or plastic surgeon in the future.

When you look good you feel good.

Consistency is Key: Trying a new product once or twice and expecting to see dramatic results won’t happen, unfortunately. The best way to see results with your skin is to keep coming back time after time, day after day, and sticking with it. In the end, you’ll see far more results with a long term plan than you will with a week-long “miracle treatment.”

Skin is your largest organ so protect it!

In the end, everyone has different skin, different genes, and a different lifestyles so it is very important to find a skincare solution that works for you and sticking with it. I obviously have my routine down pat. I don’t want this to be some annoying sales pitch, because it is not. These tips can and will help you as long as you maintain good skincare habits along side them.

Now, if you are wanting help finding a good skincare solution, I would be more then willing to help but that is up to you.

Feel free to reach me at [email protected] or my Facebook page.

Love you all & thank you for reading!

Until next time.

Acne 101: How I solved my problem. Hello all, I hope everyone is having a splendid quarantine. Ha! What a ridiculous thing to say because I am sure no one is actually enjoying the quarantine, but if you are, good for you.

#acne #blogging #life #personal

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earlywrites · 6 years

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there’s no place like 127.0.0.1 commentary part II: ‘keeping up’

Welcome to part two of the commentary for my fic there's no place like 127.0.0.1! Let's dive right into Sunday morning. As before, here there be spoilers for the majority of Season 3.

“[...] And, for your information, the internet exists. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but you can find anything on there. Literally anything. Including a Keeping Up With The Kardashians fact-checker resource.”

Keeping up with the Kontinuity Errors is a blog, currently run on the Cut, that breaks down episodes of KUWTK scene by scene, using social media and paparazzi photos to determine when each scene was actually filmed versus the date/timeframe that is claimed on the show. Here is the post on the first episode Robot and Angela watched, wherein the Kardashian-West clan et al travel to Armenia and also may or may not be in Jerusalem at any given time. I didn’t choose particular episodes for rounds two and three, but I do have a fondness for the one where Kim loses her diamond earrings in the ocean, and Kourtney goes:

“How about, the loser gets to do the dishes from last night. And this morning.”

I actually wrote this section before 3x09 came out, so this ended up being a sad piece of foreshadowing.

“That’s the cholesterol,” she retorts, as she marks out new columns into her notebook. “Your diet is terrible.”

“No, Elliot’s diet is terrible,” he says, licking maple syrup off of his fingers and setting his score sheet up on his knee. It still gets a little sticky, but whatever. “I don’t get much choice in that matter. Occasionally, when I get the chance, I eat a vegetable.”

Literally how is Elliot a functioning human being. Robot brings this up in Part I, but that post was getting full, so I'm putting the discussion here, and, look. Everything about his lifestyle, his love for junk food and the fact that he probably gets 0 sleep now given Robot’s nocturnal cycle points to him being deeply, incredibly unhealthy. Having Robot making some effort to take care of their body, even as a semi-joke, is my way of somewhat justifying how Elliot is still alive, lol.

“[...] vaguely considers beating one out – because it’s been a while, and Tyrell’s snarl under the press of his hand at his throat is still tucked away in his spank bank, awaiting withdrawal [...]”

I feel like 3x09 proved unequivocally that Robot is absolutely into playing rough.

[source: @knownoshamc, x]

“[...] I bought a few titles that looked interesting. And a few things just to mess with him - did you know there’s a game where you can date pigeons? Like, actual birds. It’s apparently very popular.”

Yes, of course I’m referring to the masterpiece of visual media and storytelling that is Hatoful Boyfriend.

He stares at her, breathing heavily, and thinks about picking up his laptop and smashing it against the smooth surface of the coffee table, watching it splinter and crack, then taking her MacBook and sending it flying across the room, shattering the glass of a window, compromising the integrity of the perfect little box she’s living in, the one she’s caged him inside. He visualizes it, until he can feel the weight of the laptop in his hands, sees in the reflection of her eyes – big, blue, steady and unwavering – how the arc of destruction plays out, walls crumbling around them, fragments spinning out in slow motion, catching the light.

Elliot and Robot are highly creative, and are shown to manipulate the world around them to fit their perspective - in that vein, from Robot’s point of view, that scene would play out similarly to Cobb and Ariadne’s first dreamsharing experience in Inception.

Then he sits down next to her.

I separated this line from the preceding paragraph because this, for me, was the biggest character moment for Robot in the fic -- rather than doing what he wants, and releasing his rage, being his usual rash and destructive self, he chooses not to, and essentially releases his anger like air slowly leaving a balloon (minus the squeaking, lol). He tried to bait Angela, to get under her skin, after she made an astute judgement about him and exposed a major vulnerability of his, but she was unwavering, meeting him eye to eye. I think this point was when he gave into trusting her, knowing that she knows his weakness -- his deeply complicated, protective, antagonistic relationship with Elliot, the fact that he doesn’t want to face that he misses him -- and allowing her to keep that secret for him.

Completing Portal 2 in co-op mode ends up taking the rest of the afternoon, only pausing for snacks – and Angela takes his blithe comment on Elliot��s nutrition seriously, because of course she fucking does, and prepares shit like carrot sticks and celery with hummus which are both incredibly bland and deeply unsatisfying, so in retaliation he spends an inordinate amount of time dicking around with the portal mechanics so her character keeps falling to its untimely end. But he quickly gets bored of that, and of Angela making empty threats to beat him over the head with her MacBook (yeah, like her noodle arms could ever manage it), and does end up working with her to beat the game. The entire concept is problem-solving and teamwork, which is genuinely engaging, even though it’s obvious Angela picked this as some kind of teambuilding exercise for the two of them — which, on paper, is annoying as hell, he’s not some fucking suit in an intern program. Still, she’s not a bad partner – they bounce off each other well, sometimes literally, and she’s the one to actually figure out the shoot-while-jumping sequence needed to get through the penultimate level. For some reason, though, her favorite characters, if you can even count them as characters, are the cubes. The cubes. She fucking loves those dumb, inanimate objects. GLaDOS would definitely take her ass in to test for whatever malfunctioning part of her cortex causes her to express affection for a cube.

Hey, look, it's a game where two characters work together to aid the agenda of an evil megalomanic who's actually manipulating them and ultimately wants them to die to serve her true purpose, while ignoring warning signs saying not to trust her. Sound familiar? ;) But yes, for those unfamiliar with the Portal series, here's a little article about the essence of the co-op game; the purpose was to directly parallel it with Robot and Angela's doomed plan under Whiterose's thumb. Totally check out the games, if you haven't already! The co-op is a lot of fun, and the penultimate level took my friend and I like an hour to figure out how to complete (whereas the last level? Total cakewalk, even if The Cake Is A Lie :P)

“And we will have to manage Darlene,” she continues, bringing several onions on a chopping board over to him. “I don’t know what her motives are in coming here to look for Elliot, but either way, we have to play it safe. I’m going to give you your phone back tomorrow and if she calls, you can answer it, but… tell her you wanted to go off the grid this weekend, or something, clear your head. You can use the fact that you’ll be at work to keep it short, just enough to keep her from looking in any further.” “That excuse won’t stretch too far – isn’t Elliot getting fired tomorrow?” he asks, peeling the skin off the first onion and starting to slice it up.

“Yes,” Angela says. “Mid-morning at the latest, but she wouldn’t know about that, so even if she wants to meet she’ll have to wait until the end of the day – if she presses for the lunch break, you can say you’ve made prior plans with me. [...] Okay, so, you’re just going to sit tight until security escorts you out, as we discussed, and don’t make a scene [...] Once you’re out, keep your distance from the data recovery center but stay in the area in case Irving and Tyrell need assistance with the execution, in which case I will contact you directly and escort you through any E-Corp facilities, since your card access will be revoked. Otherwise, go somewhere public, so that you have an alibi that can be corroborated by at least several witnesses concerning your whereabouts at the time the building comes down – but keep a low profile, get a Starbucks, or something. Make sure not to take your laptop out of your bag unless there’s an emergency, you don’t want anyone making assumptions about what you were doing during Stage Two once the dust clears and the feds look for someone to pin it on. And, if you need to call me, ring and let it dial once, hang up, and then immediately ring again. That way I’ll know it’s you calling, and not Elliot.”

We never got to really find out what Robot & Angela’s original plan was for that day, if Elliot hadn’t taken over for the events of 3x05-06. I assumed that, after Tyrell and Robot’s altercation in 3x04, the reins had been handed over to Tyrell and the Dark Army to execute, and Robot’s job was essentially support-if-needed, Angela still acting as his handler and liaising with Irving. This is my interpretation of what the OG plan might have been like -- at the beginning of 3x05, Angela encourages Elliot to pick up his phone as it rings, and then seemingly clicks that it’s no longer Robot, but still calls out to Elliot to grab lunch later. Later, she didn’t pick up her phone when Elliot called her, which I wondered about at the time since we weren’t given an indication as to whether she knew who was actually calling, and so this is my justification for that too.

“We’ll toss those in olive oil with the carrots and set them to roast in the oven for about twenty, and in a couple of minutes I’ll get started on the steaks [...]”

I made a few fun Matrix shoutouts in this fic, and this is another one -- Cypher eats a virtual steak dinner as he trades the crew on his ship to the Agents in exchange for insertion back into the matrix, rejecting his harsh reality for the comfort of an artificial world. The recipe I had in mind is something along the lines of this one.

His memories are a muddled patchwork, haphazard at best – the clearest ones he has are also the darkest, ones Elliot didn’t want to deal with, shoved into a box and couriered to his doorstep with DO NOT RETURN TO SENDER in big red lettering, his burden now to bear. It’s no sweat, he’s stronger than Elliot, anyhow, which is probably is the point – the nightmares of yesteryear don’t faze him much, especially now their bitch of a mother is slowly rotting away upstate.

3x07 heavily implied Robot had already emerged before Edward Alderson died, and was the alter in control when Edward collapsed at the cinema -- but, in Season One, Robot begged Elliot not to let people ‘try to get rid of [him]’ again, implying there were stretches of time in Elliot’s life when he wasn’t present. Mr. Robot’s timeline is muddled to hell thanks to Elliot’s unreliable narration anyway, but I figured that Robot’s memories would be somewhat similar to Elliot’s with more gaps in them, and more strongly feature the abuse exacted by their mother, per Robot’s role as a (deeply flawed) ‘protector’ to Elliot. Also, I’m not sure whether Magda Alderson is actually alive or dead, but ‘slowly rotting away’ can mean both physically rotting in a grave and just generally living a stagnant existence (in a nursing home, presumably), so that’s up to interpretation!

He’s not much one for wine, but this one’s pretty good – it’s apparently a 2008 Penfolds Grange, whatever the fuck that means, and they’ve made quick work of it as the evening has wound down.

The Penfolds Grange vintage 2008 Shiraz (South Australia) scored a rare 100 points in both The Wine Advocate and the Wine Spectator, two of the world’s most influential wine journals, when it was released in 2013, and I believe was initially priced at around $600-700. Price probably gave her this bottle, so it’s a good one to crack open when intending to destroy his company.

“I guess… I’m nervous, about seeing her again,” she murmurs. “It’s been so long, and so much has changed… it’s weird, because all I’ve felt up until this point is excitement, like, this is the whole reason I’m going through with all of this, to finally destroy E-Corp and create our new world, to share it with her – and yet, now we’re here, I’m not sure if I’m ready.”

Her whole deal with Whiterose is bordering on obsession, at this point. It’s somewhat disconcerting, but then again, he supposes that’s Angela – she’s just intense like that. “Look, Angela, don’t set your expectations too high on that one,” he cautions. “I don’t think either of us are going to see Whiterose again, at least, not in the immediate future. She’s not the type to just swing by to pop off some champagne for a job well done.”

Angela looks at him, frowning slightly, and then her expression clears. “Of course,” she says, finishing up her glass. “You’re right, Whiterose has more important things to do. Maybe we’ll just have to have our own celebration.”

“Maybe,” he replies, looking at her narrowly. He has an odd feeling that she wasn’t talking about Whiterose. But then, who else would it be? Darlene? No, that doesn’t quite add up.

I mean, look, at this point, it’s very obvious to we the audience that Angela is talking about seeing her mother again, and she then makes reference to Elliot believing in the #cause once he gets to see his father just before the brownout comes in. These scenes always made me feel sad to write.

The inset on the face says 29, and the hands glint at a little after six. Early, but not quite early enough to justify a little more shuteye.

In 3x05, Elliot says the Dark Army tried to execute Stage Two at 6am. Robot waking up with a start around the time the Dark Army try to attack but being completely unaware of it happening is the beginning of the end for his usurped revolution.

So that's it, for now. If you’re still here -- thanks for reading, friend! Hope you enjoyed this self indulgent spiel -- catch you on the flipside :P

#earlyfic #dvdcommentary #TNPLH #mr robot fic

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kristinsimmons · 4 years

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The Step 1 Score Reporting Change – A Step in the Right Direction for IMGs?

By TALAL HILAL, MD

The United States Medical Licensing Examination (USMLE) Step 1, a test co-sponsored by the Federation of State Medical Boards (FSMB) and the National Board of Medical Examiners (NBME), has been the exam that people love to hate. For many years, blogs, Twitter feeds, and opinion pieces have been accumulating urging the presidents of the FSMB/NBME to stop reporting a 3-digit score and instead report a pass/fail score. This animosity towards the Step 1 exam originates from the reality that medical schools have increasingly focused their curriculum on teaching what the Step 1 wants you to learn – medical trivia that almost always has no bearing on how to approach a clinical problem.

This “Step 1 Madness” is unhealthy. The reasons for its existence are many: residency and fellowship programs allow it to exist by idolizing higher scores, some believe it is a metric that can predict future quality of care, board pass rates, etc. And some are naïve enough to think that what is tested on the Step 1 is actually useful medical knowledge! It may be due to a combination of the above that the Step 1 has found itself in such a peculiar spot. However, the emphasis on the Step 1 score means that medical students’ fate is being determined by a single test. Nobody wants their fate to be so unmalleable.

Those who were writing vehemently against a 3-digit score rejoiced when the FSMB/NBME announced on February 12 that the Step 1 will finally become a pass/fail test as early as January 2022!

My initial reaction was mixed. I have always felt that Step 1 was the single most important factor in securing a residency interview. The announcement made me think of my path to residency training in the U.S. As an international medical graduate (colloquially referred to as an “IMG”), I went from learning how to shave to becoming a medical student seemingly overnight. For a 17-year-old, medical school felt like American college but without the arts and history, and with frequent visits to the cadaver lab. For various reasons that I will not bore you with, I decided to pursue residency training in the U.S. This meant I had to buy a copy of “First Aid for the USMLE Step 1” – the holy book within which all medical trivia resides. My medical school, being Irish, could not care less about the USMLE, so I was on my own.

I would study the lectures given by my medical school professors and then find their corresponding chapters in the Step 1 books. Little did I know, I was supplementing my medical school curriculum by adding an American twist to it. The Krebs cycle did not only have a rate-limiting step catalyzed by isocitrate dehydrogenase; it was a much more important phenomenon characterized by 8 steps that I now had to memorize. I felt empowered by my knowledge of minutiae. Coupled with my medical schools’ emphasis on physical examination skills, I felt like I had the best of both worlds.

I spent a few sleepless nights before the Step 1 test thinking about what would happen if I failed? Where would I go for my medical training? As an IMG, I was already at a disadvantage with only 50-60% of all IMGs matching. This test, in my mind, had the potential to increase my chances of making it to the U.S.

But did it?

I did well, nothing earth shattering, but certainly a competitive score for an Internal Medicine residency spot at the time. I then took the Step 2 CS and passed. I pursued a clinical elective in the U.S and was able to secure a letter of recommendation from the attending with whom I worked – a short paragraph and a half saying I’m good with patients, or something to that effect. I applied for the residency match without having my Step 2 CK result and did not get a single interview. I thought I had a strong application.

I was devastated. I relied too much on the Step 1 and it got me nowhere.

With the Step 2 CK score added to my profile, I was officially certified by the Educational Commission of Foreign Medical Graduates (ECFMG). I tried my chances again the following year, received a few interviews and matched! I went on to complete a fellowship in hematology and oncology and the rest, as they say, is history.

For me, what made a difference was the Step 2 CK. Nothing else changed in my application within a year. I remained without scholarly or extracurricular activity (unless you count finishing a 30-hour video game on a weekly basis an extracurricular activity). I still wonder how I made it, and whether I would have invited myself for an interview if I were in the program directors’ shoes reviewing my application.

When I first heard of the announcement to change the Step 1 scoring to pass/fail, I had my reservations, but the more I thought about it the more I realized that it may be a blessing in disguise for many IMGs. Sure, those who score 2 SDs above the mean on their Step 1 will be at a disadvantage; they will not stand out anymore, but that will be the case for all applicants – IMGs and non-IMGs alike.

I know of a few IMG colleagues whose scores were off the charts (260 and above) and it seemed that that alone was the catalyst for a steady stream of interview invitations. But I know of more IMGs who took 1-3 years after graduating medical school just to study for the Step 1, many of whom never had the guts to take the exam for fear of scoring low and never matching. A pass/fail test means that this panic-inducing hurdle will be removed. IMGs can focus on the Step 2 CK, which is more relevant anyway, and maybe spend time reading Tolstoy instead of memorizing the names of the rotator cuff muscles and their insertion site on the humeral head.

So, the next logical question is – What will happen to IMGs when this goes into effect?

The answer, I speculate, is nothing. Programs that interview IMGs do so because they need them and/or like them, and maybe to advertise that they are more inclusive and diverse. IMGs represent 25% of licensed physicians in the US, many of whom are working in underserved communities that are not as attractive to American physicians to live and work in. These areas are so desperate for physicians that they have provided incentives for IMGs in the form of tracks for permanent residency in exchange for their service. With the physician shortages driven by an aging population, IMGs will always be needed as long as they pass the Step 1.

It is important to remember that a substantial proportion of programs do not interview or rank IMGs – approximately 40%, no matter how high they score on the Step 1. They don’t, of course, advertise that but we IMGs know who they are. IMGs applying to these programs will be filtered out by virtue of their IMG status. Nothing will change there.

For IMGs, the Step 2 CK was always important, and since it will remain numerical, it is likely that it will become more important; until test takers take to the street to change it to pass/fail when “Step 2 CK Madness” ensues.

The average IMG Step 1 score is similar to that of a non-IMG. This means that IMGs that stood out have done so not because of the Step 1, but through scholarly activity and U.S clinical experience (i.e. electives). I admit, attaining these new medals can be difficult in places where an infrastructure for research does not exist, and where medical schools limit where and how many electives a student can have, let alone allow them to travel to the U.S. for extended periods of time to work with Dr. Jones (name is made up) at Johns Hopkins University. Funding mechanisms or loan options are limited in countries from which the majority of IMGs come from (e.g. India, Caribbean, Pakistan, Mexico). Nevertheless, many IMGs spend exorbitant amounts of money doing observerships after medical school that have little to no value while they study for their Step 1 aiming for that 260. Those IMGs can now take the test earlier, and spend their money doing electives in medical school.

This announcement is a disruption that has the potential to facilitate improvements in the residency/fellowship program selection processes, and perhaps medical school curricula. It will disadvantage test takers who score 2 SDs above the mean on the Step 1, but that is the trade-off to create a system with one less faulty metric to filter students.

I Tweeted “If the Step 1 was a pass/fail when I took it, I most likely wouldn’t be where I am today.” All the “Likes” and engagement I received were from IMGs. I may have used hyperbole in that statement, but I suppose the essence of it holds true. Where would any of us be if it wasn’t for some metric or achievement that society collectively decided to value? I just hope that the next metric that comes along is truly valuable.

The post The Step 1 Score Reporting Change – A Step in the Right Direction for IMGs? appeared first on The Health Care Blog.

The Step 1 Score Reporting Change – A Step in the Right Direction for IMGs? published first on https://wittooth.tumblr.com/

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lauramalchowblog · 4 years

Text

The Step 1 Score Reporting Change – A Step in the Right Direction for IMGs?

By TALAL HILAL, MD

Those who were writing vehemently against a 3-digit score rejoiced when the FSMB/NBME announced on February 12 that the Step 1 will finally become a pass/fail test as early as January 2022!

But did it?

I was devastated. I relied too much on the Step 1 and it got me nowhere.

So, the next logical question is – What will happen to IMGs when this goes into effect?

The post The Step 1 Score Reporting Change – A Step in the Right Direction for IMGs? appeared first on The Health Care Blog.

The Step 1 Score Reporting Change – A Step in the Right Direction for IMGs? published first on https://venabeahan.tumblr.com

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inktae · 7 years

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⇢ veg update 2

I totally forgot I was going to do these.. so here you go, a little over three months since I took my decision of giving up meat. I know a few of you are interested, so here you go! :)

It has been three months since I decided to cut out meat cold turkey, and as someone who was only slightly obsessed with chicken and did not care about any other type of meat, I have to say that it has been fairly easy. I definitely do not recommend that for someone who eats meat more regularly (I only ate chicken and around 3 times a week) but turning vegetarian was the easiest choice I have ever made and I still stand by that.

I actually planned on being vegetarian for a few months, but less than a month after beginning my journey I had already cut out cow’s milk (another thing I wasn’t too much of a fan of, since it always made my stomach bloat even if it was lactose free) and was only eating egg very occasionally as I still tried to figure out how to eat - where and how to get the nutrients I needed for a healthy lifestyle. it took hours upon hours of research but I am proud to say that I have it somewhat figured it out now.

I went into it too scared, and I shouldn’t have! many people around me and online scared me about deficiencies that, honestly, can easily be taken care of, and you do not need to be a millionaire for that. what I have learned is that as long as you do your research and keep a somewhat regular check-up with your doctor (I was already used to this anyway, as someone who needs regular check-ups) you will be okay. of course, each body reacts differently, but personally speaking, I did not notice any crazy changes, nor I ever felt weak or like my body was lacking something. going into a healthy, fulfilling way of eating was absolutely essential for that.

for the longest time, before I ever considered it seriously, I thought about veganism and how would I eat were I to turn vegan. I only truly liked three foods: chicken, rice and pasta (yes, it was that bad), so that made me wonder: what the hell would I eat? would there be any options for me? would I have no other option but to starve? and since I could never figure it out, I always dropped the idea of veganism even though it has attracted me for more than a year, probably.

but I slowly started changing my eating habits, trained my taste buds and introduced more vegetables into my diet, and the idea of veganism stopped being so far-fetched. still, there was tons of research I needed to do, and months of studying basic nutrition, reading countless meal plans and learning recipes and watching insightful videos have finally led to a huge amount of variety and color in my meals, way more than before, and looking back I can say that it was my very generalized view of veganism (the one portrayed by the media) what made me think in the first place that they only ate salads and expensive, organic foods haha.

just out of curiosity, I actually decided to follow my carbs, proteins and fats for a week (last week, actually) and I find it unbelievable how easily I can reach a healthy amount of each without looking too much into it. all I did was insert what I’d eaten throughout the day in an app and I find it insane how easily I reached past the 60g mark of protein (that’s actually a bit more than I should.. lol) this might be obvious for some, but for me it certainly wasn’t, especially with the countless questions I get about my supposed lack of protein / vitamins / etc, which inevitably made me doubt my choices more than once. no, peeps. I believed the same, but it is possible to eat a balanced diet as long as you are well informed! :) it is all about making sure that you’re eating a good amount of veggies (I like to eat a lot, so it makes me happy that I can make myself giant meals with veggies. I always go for broccoli, carrots, cauliflower and zucchini and I tend to eat them with a nice, spicy homemade sauce), fats (healthy / unsaturated fats are sooo important, please never cut them out. nuts are an amazing snack full of healthy fats!), carbs (even though they’re not really essential, they do help you feel energized and they can easily fill you for the day. besides, they’re yummy haha. basically cereals, rice, bread, homemade pizza, stuff like that), and of course, protein (lentils, beans and tofu. the latter is my weakness to be honest. I love love love tofu and how versatile it is! there are so many amazing recipes out there to make it delicious).

there is no need to splurge into expensive foods, either. if you want to eat a bunch of replacements, then yes, veganism will be an expensive lifestyle, but if you keep your replacements down to a handful (the only replacement I buy is vegan mayonnaise, and vegan cheese very occasionally. to give you an idea, they do not cost me more than 3 euros each) you will spend just as much as you would in a ‘normal’ lifestyle, if not less.

anyway, moving on - the positive changes I have noticed since late march are only a handful, but still very impactful:

I have gotten slimmer, though I would say it’s more like my body is going back to its natural weight. because of medical reasons and a certain pill I have been taking since 2012 for my body to function properly, I started putting on weight very fast, and it was something that was out of my control. ever since I started taking this pill I gained an amount of 10kg (22 pounds) throughout my university journey, and that excess I gained through the pill is what I have been trying to get rid of, which has become significantly easier with a vegan lifestyle. even though it has only been three months, I already lost more than half of it - 7 kilos, 15 pounds!! and I promise you that I have not been starving myself or anything remotely close. sometimes I even have five meals a day. :) it’s such a drastic change to a few crazy diets I tried out a couple years ago, which only consisted of tuna and whole wheat sandwiches. I’m glad I finally figured out how to eat a fuckton (there’s no other way to put it ahaha) while still being healthy and keeping to the amounts my body needs. I mainly owe that to veganism, because it’s what made me start studying nutrition and healthy eating in the first place.

(quick disclaimer: I need to address that weight loss does not equal happiness / is not the only right way to live. besides becoming vegan, losing weight was also a personal goal of mine because of external factors I already explained - how more than losing a few pounds, I am just trying to go back to the natural weight I had before. and hey, even if you only want to lose a few pounds, that is also okay as long as you are doing it the healthy way. the choices I make are purely meant to look out for my body, not to damage it, and I would never ever encourage starving or restricting yourself too harshly (sometimes, a few moderate restrictions are needed, like I did with the crazy unhealthy snacking I had going on a few months ago). keeping your weight, wanting to lose some, striving to gain a few pounds - all of that is okay as long as you do it right and take care of yourself. the only thing that matters is that you are looking out for your body, whatever shape it is ^^)

another change - headaches, or should I say, the lack of. it is crazy to think that a few months ago I used to take two / three painkillers a week because my head was always killing me, with the occasional migraine that forced me to close all of the blinds and stay in the dark for a few hours, with no possibility of even checking my phone because all lights bothered me. I am so, so happy to say that that has changed, and it has probably been my favorite change of them all. so far I have only taken two painkillers in these three months. which, for me, is absolutely insane!! to know that those headaches that have been bothering me since I was 14 stemmed from an unhealthy diet is simply baffling. I had to go through so many brain scans trying to figure out why my head hurt so much all the time, when the solution was right in my face. I am just beyond relieved that I managed to figure it out. besides ethics, this is another big reason for me continuing with this lifestyle. I cannot go back to the crazy headaches, not now that I found the root of the problem, and especially not now that I figured out a way to eat that I enjoy and that helps me avoid migraines.

and lastly, I noticed I have way more energy than before. getting up early is not so much of a problem anymore. I have always been a night owl, but I am quickly becoming a morning person, which I never thought would ever happen ahaha. I do have my lazy days, and sometimes I go to the gym and I am unable to do more than twenty minutes of cardio, but for someone who is somewhat sedentary, I have to say that this change is huge, and I am really happy with it. I look forward to using this crazy energy I have much more, and hopefully develop more physical endurance, since I still have a bit of a hard time keeping up with exercise in general.

I am very proud of my choice overall, even though I’m still learning and adapting to this lifestyle (there are still many changes to be done, but that will come with time, no rush), and I still stand by the reasons I started doing this in the first place (basically all of them: ethics, the industry, the environment, and of course, health). as someone who has a hard time being consistent in general, the fact that I have kept this up taught me that I can be strong willed if I really want to be.

I also feel very passionate about showing people that veganism doesn’t have to be scary, and that not all vegans are like the ones that represent the lifestyle, who are sadly more toxic than anything. loud, obnoxious vegans will always be the ones heard above us quieter ones, and I just want people to know that not every vegan is self-entitled or arrogant or thinks they’re better than everyone else. at least in my case, I am just proud of my own journey and the choice I made for myself and for the animals. it has nothing to do with how I feel about other people or how they eat. hell, none of my friends are vegan and absolutely nothing has changed between us (well, except the places we go to eat haha). not gonna lie, I am always afraid of saying I’m into veganism because I fear it will make people see me in a bad light, when I have never had ill intentions. but I just hope this can change someday and that veganism stops being portrayed as extreme, as a ridiculous fad, as a cult - you get the point. I see it as something beautiful you’re doing for the Earth and for your body, nothing else. ^^

and if you are interested in the way I eat, I suggest checking out my instagram! I post the meals I make there (mainly to keep myself motivated to keep learning new recipes and such)

(^^^^ the fact that I actually made that is still unbelievable to me. last year I almost burnt the kitchen while making coffee)

to finish up, if anyone is interested in veganism in general, besides famous documentaries like cowspiracy and forks over knives, there were two videos that really turned around my mindset. of course, there are small details I don’t really agree on, but the overall message of these videos is very impactful and they did push me towards doing more research on how to start transitioning to veganism. those videos are why I’m a vegan and reasons to go vegan. what I loved the most about these two videos is how unbiased both are - they present facts, not opinions, and they are not painfully blunt or offensive in any way. it’s your choice what to do with these facts, and I think that’s the main core of veganism - it all depends on how you feel and react towards these facts presented to you. I simply reacted by wanting to become vegan, and no one pressured me or brainwashed me in any way. I was presented with facts, I researched on them, found myself convinced by some things more than others, and when I had all the information compiled I decided what to do about it myself - no one did it for me. :)

this got way too long, sorry guys. but I hope that whoever read until this point found it somewhat insightful, my aim is always to help and to clarify myths of healthy eating and veganism. to conclude, I still stand by this decision being the best one I have taken in a long, long time, probably all my life. <3

#I'm so proud of my meals ahahha #just.. look at them they're so pretty lol #personal #veg update #veganism #healthy eating

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