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am-i-the-asshole-official · 27 days

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AITA for telling my Grandma I'm not going to have a specific conversation with her and just walking away?

So context, I (28) am currently between jobs because one of my ex-coworkers was the asshole who got me fired, and I haven't found anything new.

My mother (50) and I both live in my Grandma (80)'s house which is divided into an upstairs and a downstairs. Grandma lives in the downstairs. So do my mom and sister. I live alone in a two bedroom upstairs which belonged to my late aunt.

Right after my aunt died, I wanted to clean the apartment, organize, donate, toss, keep her stuff. To make sure everything gets where it'd ought best go, but my mother told me I had no right to go through my aunt's things alone and sort keepsake from takaway; if I was to do anything it was to be with her.

Well, three years of me trying to get my mom up here to sort through it with me because I want to respect her wishes, and my stuff accruing in a layer over top of my aunts stuff because I can't get rid of it, and the apartment is a lifetime and three years mess. My mom never made the time to do what she told me I wasn't allowed to do without her, me respecting these wishes which she probably doesn't even remember. I've been living up here too afraid of trespassing against my aunts memory to clean the cobwebs full of her red hair. Because my mother said, I had no right to do it.

And that cleaning anxiety is on top of executive dysfunction, depression, having too much shit, being a sprawler type adhd, and working a 40 h/week 'part-time' retail position. I didn't have it in me to clean by myself, and the mess kept getting worse and no one would substancially help me no matter how much I asked. Not my mom and not my sister (who gets a pass because she's got post-exertional malases from Long Covid).

Now fast foreward to two weeks ago. My mother final finds the motivation to clean the upstairs apartment because she's got a boyfriend now, and they wanna have sex upstairs where my grandma can't hear it. They didn't ask me if it was okay or anything: just decided that my space is now OUR space because it's convinent to her. I don't really care, and I'm annoyed, but finally someone to clean the fucking apartment with. She said, two weeks ago that he'd be coming around in about four months time. We spent the day getting a lot of cleaning done. Not anywhere near all of it, but a lot. And I've finally gotten what I see as permission to start sortitioning my aunts things. I'm pacing myself cleaning on that four month timetable.

And then today she bursts into the apartment to announce that BF will be here in a week, and she starts hauling major ass with my late aunt's heavy as shit sewing supplies. For my part, I vent the new timeline to my friends and then get to work cleaning my bedroom so I can move the stuff I have sprawled over the living room into my bedroom. Because my bedroom being messy is what's getting in my way the most.

When she's done hauling boxes, she goes to start cleaning the bathroom, and because she's in too much of a hurry on this new self-imposed and sprung upon me timeline, she hurts herself cleaning the toilet. Spasms her wrist, locks up her back. I help her downstairs but she's obviously done for the day, probably done for the week even. I get back to light cleaning with breaks, pacing myself to the new timeline I have to deal with. And I get a call from my grandma.

G: "Hey anon can you come down here." A: "I'll be down in a minute." I pull on pants and a shirt and head down.

And here we get to the key events all that context was building toward.

G: "What happened with your mom." A: "She hurt herself cleaning." G: "I know that, I mean why was she cleaning your apartment. You're an adult who's lived here for three years, and she's the only one working, and now she can't move. Why's the apartment you live in such a state that she needs to clean it for you."

Now, I know my grandma. A mule would be jealous of her stubborn demeanor. She's on an oxygen machine 24 hours a day and she still smokes two packs a week. You can't change her mind once she's made it up.

So I'm doing calculations in my head while she's laying into me, and I conclude she's made her mind up: She thinks I'm 100% in the wrong and nothing that came out my mouth would convince her that my mom is just as much an adult as I am who is responsible for her own decisions that got her to overworking when cleaning and hurting herself in the process, and also several inter-related key factors in why so much cleaning needs to be done on an 'oh fuck, immediately' timescale.

Doing the math makes me a bit angry, and I don't like the type of person I get to acting like when I'm angry, especially because anything I say will just make her more upset, so I say, "Grandma, I'm not going to have this conversation with you."

And I walk away. I leave while she yells at me to come back and let myself be yelled at. I'm angry, so I mindfully do not to slam her door on my way out and go back up stairs

After some scrumbling and a bit more light cleaning with breaks to pace myself, best I can, to this newly imposed and unreasonable timetable, my room is 90% clean and ready for me to put my stuff in it. And now that I'm not as angry anymore, I started to feel guilty that I didn't even try to explain anything to her. I just decided she'd made up her mind and made up mine to walk away without even trying. So, I typed this up to ask:

AITA for refusing to engage her in that conversation and just walking away?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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spacelazarwolf · 2 months

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that college post is wild. as an engineer (with a degree in engineering) the idea that we're either taught everything we need to know in grad school or on the job so we can just basically ignore our bachelors is crazy! your bachelors degree is the foundational knowledge you need so you can be taught in grad school or on the job! (maybe not for all jobs, but for stuff like engineering at least)

like to be completely honest here, i already struggle some to apply what i learned in college to what i do now. but without a doubt if i tried to do this job having completely cheated my way through my bachelors i would be absolutely fucked rn.

(also ai cheating sucks anyway, if youre gonna cheat at least do it the old fashioned way so that you can network with your classmates and build better support systems.)

yeah!

when i was in college i had a professor who was very much anti-establishment, he'd struggled through college himself so he knew what it was like, he had a lot of empathy for me and my difficulties keeping up with endless assignments and essays etc. he was probably one of the only teachers i'd ever worked with who didn't make me feel like shit for my very obvious untreated adhd. he's the reason i made it through. he also taught a class where the tests were the exact same every time and had been for years, and he knew full well people were passing around old copies of those tests so people could memorize the answers. he said as long as we were getting what we wanted to out of the class he didn't care. we were never going to be asked to do what we had to do on those tests in real life. we just needed the knowledge he was sharing in the actual class, it was the administration that forced him to give tests.

that, to me, is an ethical form of cheating. having an ai, that has probably ripped work from people who had no idea their work was being integrated into an ai, to write an entire essay? no. writing is an important skill! everyone has to do it in some form or another! i know it sucks but just write the essay! even if it sucks! even if you have to rush through it! even if you have to ask for an extension! it's better to turn in a paper that's kind of shitty than one that is very clearly written by ai and might get you in huge trouble. you'll never learn anything from the ai essay. you might learn something from feedback on the shitty essay.

#ask avishai

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turns-out-its-adhd · 8 months

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For the past several months I have been out of work, after some terrible life events in which my whole life kind of fell apart.

My Dad died, my 10 year relationship ended, I had to pack up all my stuff and move from one end of the country to another twice. It's been rough.

I've been feeling a lot of guilt being unemployed and living off savings, and feeling that dread that comes with watching those funds get smaller and smaller with no income to restore them, while I try to pick myself up and put some kind of life back together.

At the same time, I was starting to feel more and more imposter syndrome about my ADHD because I was managing to get into some good habits. Cooking proper meals. Staying on top of the dishes and laundry. Getting the bins and recycling out for collection on the right days at the right time. Picking up some of my craft projects and even learning some new ones. I started regular driving lessons. Started doing some DIY in my new living space to fix it up.

I finally felt ready to dust off my CV and try to get a job again. And I got one. Yay! Or so I thought.

I only started this week, and I am already so tired. It's taken everything I have to make sure I got up and ready in time. That I had clean and suitable clothes to wear each day. To get groceries and make myself food each day. The dishes piled up again. The house is a mess. So much food has gone bad that I had to throw out. The crafts I started last week are sitting half done next to me and I don't know if I have it in me to pick it up again. I forgot to update important documents and had to cancel my theory test, and postponed my driving lessons.

I feel like I can do one or the other, but not both. A full time job earning money, or a full time job keeping a household running and living my life. No matter what I'm always going to feel like I am spinning plates, running from task to task to try and keep up until the plates come crashing down. I won't know which plate I forgot until I have to pick up the pieces.

I'm so tired.

#neurodivergence #adult adhd #adhd #neurodiversity #neurodiversesquad #adhd things #executive dysfunction #adhd struggles #I was looking for a job and then I found a job #And heaven knows I'm miserable now

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shopcat · 1 year

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HI. this is the steve harrington autism post. source: i have the steve harrington style autism that makes me autistic about him

to preface this i would like to say i am working off of personal like interpretation and thru the lens of my own experience :0... also this is long lol <3 so, tl;dr, here are the autistic traits or things that are caused by autism i believe steve showcases, (except.. do read if you like <3):

sensory issues -> wearing only ever the same style of clothes, adjusting/touching his hair, (potentially) eating certain foods

stimming -> walking in place to think, fiddling with small objects, spinning/flipping/throwing objects to keep himself focussed or entertained, listening to music

scripting -> repeating phrases/words aloud and practicing what he's going to say, repeating the "plan" aloud

routine -> strict hair routine with specific steps, was in routine sports with strict rules/timing and enjoys them otherwise, driving robin to school every day without even knowing she couldn't bc it was routine, working jobs that require mindless but engaging tasks including organisation

poor grasp of social cues, especially with girls, and saying the "wrong" thing at the wrong time (including the 6 little nuggets speech, "he ate dustin's cat", confessing to robin, etc)

other people feeling like they have to tell him things he's "missed" socially (dustin telling him he likes robin, eddie telling him he likes nancy)

likes to set/follow rules and is upset when people deviate from them (i.e. max wanting to leave in s4)

out of-the-box/atypical/lateral thinking

delayed processing of thoughts/concepts/complicated subjects especially in high-intensity scenarios

picking up on small details (like background sounds in large areas or recognising something) that other people don't pick up on

fixating on certain things (hair, clothes/shoes, sports, etc)

high pain tolerance/sensory dysregulation (shaking off concussions/consistent, continued ability to function while severely injured)

inability to conceptualise his OWN mortality/safety and engaging in at risk situations with little thought other than instinct + making impulsive choices

developmental differences/delays (literally crawling backwards)

poor grades in school/not getting into college

trouble regulating emotion

poor self esteem due to feeling worthless :(

i also have adhd so i also keep this in mind a little and obv at the end of the day this is just my own interpretation + autism is a spectrum :) NOW. i will go into detail >:)

SOOO i'm not sure if steve was deliberately coded as autistic but i DO think they intentionally in one way or another coded him with a developmental disability of some kind!! which i will talk about first!!

this is shown particularly in season 2 in a couple different instances and continues into season 3 at undercurrent ..

we've discussed this a little before but i also think this is why when people like to just describe him as genuinely "dumb" it like hurts people's feelings 😭 my feelings... and that's not intentional ofc but while it is a personal insecurity of the character himself that is being ironically picked at, positively or not, by those who love him in fandom, it's also evident of something happening under the surface that people may be unaware of imo

i think he display a out of-the-box, atypical or lateral way of thinking combined with delayed processing in a way that is very typical to neurodivergent behaviour!! and more...

in season 2 we get a really nice little look into his psychology about it when nancy is reading his college admission essay (that he presumably asked her to do) and he's sitting there SO nervous and full of doubt and worked up about it he's like. basically twitching 😭

he says "it's crap i know" and nancy's like no it's not! and he's like "ugh it's not good..." sooo stressed out.. and nancy says it just needs some reorganising, which is INTERESTING!!! someone who is insecure in his own skills and inability to get his thoughts across in a succinct way + has good, complex ideas that translate poorly when he tries to explain it out loud or in text + a host of insecurities pre-rooted and explicitly about his own intellectual "failings" all = a very neurodivergent read of Steve Vs School i think

also, maybe a tangent, but: in that essay itself nancy says he starts by using one of his basketball games as a metaphor for his life, then he confuses the metaphor by comparing it to the war his grandfather was in. nancy says she doesn't see how they're connected and he's like "um. it connects because we both won" (i actually think she's being very sweet in this scene!! idg when ppl say she's mean here)

ik this wasn't the show's intention and just extrapolation but i find it really cool + interesting that there IS a war of some kind that steve could talk about that HE fought in, there is a description of high stakes combat where it's him VS them and he is the only one who now has to make this high stakes, risky choice, instead of playing it safe like he always does that relates directly to his life as a metaphor and he DOES feel connected to his grandfather in this sense...

but he can't actually talk about that. so it's basketball. and it's a slightly clunky metaphor that makes it seem like, trite, like oh silly steve, basketball isn't WAR. the essay itself is actually really well-written and evocative!! but to me signifies this inability to directly translate what he's thinking, hence it needs a little "rearranging", or maybe it's a little "all over the place" even

(also, that he crumpled up the entire essay and dismissed it entirely and fell back on nihilistic thinking and "i'll just work for my dad i guess". he already had cast disbelief upon his own ability to thrive because he feels he's not good enough :( )

his failing grades, which ended in not getting into college, tech or otherwise, is a big part of his post-highschool arc i think. to me it also shows sympathy to a problem many young neurodivergent (in every which way, btw) people face, including myself, and is potentially a really almost kind portrayal of the capability of a person not being wrapped up in their intellectual or i guess SCHOLASTIC endeavours and "achievements", and that you can be successful and "useful" to others in different ways :0

to call him dumb and really mean it (both in and out of show -_-) after all this is a certain kind of disservice i guess? like okay i think a little jokey joke is fine and also absolutely RELATING is fine (and another extension of another one of my points which is basically just "he's just like me fr" can actually = "he's JUST like me... like For Real". he's dumb in the way i'm dumb and we're both not actually dumb) but let's all be cool okayyyy

beyond school, i think he displays SOO many behaviours both characteristically and even like in his physicality that build to this beautiful conclusion... i think steve is this guy who was served up to be an initially one dimensional being who proved himself again and again to have a multitude of complexities beneath the surface :). i think his literal entire character arc is adjacent to the autistic experience LOL... perhaps...

he showcases a certain need and comfort in routine in a variety of ways, like:

being interested in sports both watching recreationally (which have timed matches and he HAS to be there on time, too) and as the hobby itself. sports are a high-routine activity with strict rules and rituals, before, after and during, as well as the extra work you have to put in otherwise!!

ESPECIALLY something like swimming, which is all about certain timing (and an individual-based sport as opposed to the team-based basketball) which he took for years!! (and actually got his cpr verification for, which you absolutely don't need to just like. be on the swim team. but it would be the "right" way to do it LOL) (also idk how it worked in 1980s fictional indiana but you need your verification a year in advance to actually do anything with it where i live!! which means he did it FROM freshman year)

driving robin to school every day, and then presumably picking her up for work sometimes too, despite not even knowing she COULDN'T drive herself because he was so dedicated to this routine (and friendship :D <3)

his hair routine!! it's SO specific (four puffs EXACTLY!!! no more no less... and when it's DAMP not WET) and i am honestly of the mind it's actually far more complex of a routine he even makes it out to be .. and i am willing to bet the multi step experience of it all is sooo long and has to be just as specific too. also extra points for it being something he does that aids in his own self-image and would make him feel like he's putting himself together.? so to speak

i think, in a way, that he owns about 9 pairs of shoes and most of them are white sports shoes with a colour accent + he's been shown to wear the colour accent that matches his outfit more often than not. which i spose is a certain kind of. ritual or routine or something.

he also shows a whole host of sensory issues/complexities/...things!!

he wears the same style of clothes like CONSTANTLY. almost everything he owns is either a soft sweater or a polo shirt, plus the same style of jacket he cycles through, all of which are well-worn (despite him being like, rich) :) the exception is that colourblock denim vest (which i think is the exception for him too because he just wanted to look like marty mcfly. which is so autistic)

i.e. wearing something that you know is comfortable over and over that doesn't give you a poor sensory experience, and continuing to buy the same style of clothing because you know it's safe to do so because he FEELS comfortable. super autistic trait. beloved prep trait as well i also just think he doesn't actually care what he wears but whatever

he also sometimes favours tight clothes and sometimes looser/baggier ones (think one day the s4 blue/white polo and jeans, the next a sweater and loose chinos) which indicates to me possible different sensory needs in the day by day...

he also wears a lot of undershirts, including with the scoops ahoy uniform (which could've been to avoid a POOR sensory experience)

he adjusts/runs his fingers through his hair and makes sure it's in a nice state at an almost compulsive level but it's also like an afterthought kind of. it could also just be a sensory thing to want to retouch his hair and play with it and follow through with the prior routine of it Looking Good + a grounding technique for sure

along with that he stims a LOT, including the thing where he has to twirl or throw ANYTHING in his hands up to and including -> a lighter, the baseball bat MIDFIGHT, a torch, a phone MIDFIGHT, his ice cream scooper, keys, his sailor hat, a banana, a random ball he found... he's also very fiddly and tends to sort of be happy sitting quietly and doing something over and over like that (this is also a trait with adhd :) )

the jobs he worked are relatively low intensity despite customer interaction and had him working with his hands plus at FV there's a lot of sorting/organisation. also "not my TAPES man" because he already sorted them and now it's ruined 😭

you tend to see him taking a little moment for himself in the background of scenes a lot, sometimes with robin as well!! he kind of just wanders off and does his own thing but in the wake of the high emotion, high adrenaline various combats in-show it makes sense, even more so if he just needs a little moment to himself to unwind

he walks/paces to think!!!

the reason he and robin only even threw up in season 3 is a) the stimulating lights he noticed that then b) over-stimulated them

this one's a little less obvious but he listens to the same kind of music and listens to it LOUDLY when he's stressed 😭 he also doesn't turn it off even if he like, technically should like on the way to fight monsters. i think he just likes music a lot tbh but also very autistic to me (and also a reason why he and eddie would be friends and/or kiss on the mouth)

one of the biggest things that sounds off to me is his social interactions :0 he is hailed as this like, ladies man but almost near constantly plummets to the earth in insane social blunder which personally i love actually (and it extends beyond these situations too!!). all the hottest boys are autistic...

i know that this is to show him just like, losing his charm...? and that he peaked in highschool or something and i do love his patheticness but it's also sooo autism. one of the reasons i actually think he's gay (lol) is his compulsive need to try and "land" a social interaction with a woman, then fail, while also not "feeling the spark" with the women he DID land and failing to see why (like his date at the basketball game). he's constantly seeking companionship but it feels like it's just out of his reach and he doesn't get it... sigh... and that it's definitely in part bc he feel he can't relate to them because HE'S so different i think. for whatever reason. multiple.

in season 3 the ENTIRE you rule/you suck board is like a beautiful shrine to this... he's honestly so funny . but like constantly awkwardly flirting and somehow saying the wrong thing every time whilst also not getting that they're Not responding to him until they like, leave, which is like. a statistical unlikelihood to me of times this can happen without something else going on in his little brain. i also like that he "invented" a makeout point bc that opens up the ability to just go um. let's go to skull rock. and the person would be like oh okay yes i am going to makeout with steve harrington.

beyond just girls or failed flirting or whatever a lot of his interactions with the kids or his other friends ping to me as having trouble with social cues and some accidental bluntness!! a FAVOURITE being -> "dart ate a cat?" "no. what? no." "what are you talking about? he ate mews" "who's mews?" "it's dustin's cat" "STEVE..." 😭😭 i love him. also him suggesting he could work his charm on the dean of the school and nancy being like... not that kind of charm.

oh another good moment for this is in the epilogue to season 3 actually like he's trying so hard to show he's seen Some movies (but only remembers the significant/stand out details) and then when robin's like can you give us a moment he's just like. Why. and does this funny little head shake movement. and robin does the steve -_- and he backs away kubrick staring... beautiful scene

he also falls victim i think to saying the wrong thing at the wrong time which is a lot of the time not necessarily his like FAULT ofc but suggests further little issues or . unalignmentd with social interaction. the entire 6 little nuggets speech to nancy to me is one of these situations (and maybe the convo in the woods with her?? idk) where he's kind of just talking and digging a hole and the other person is sort of just sitting there. it's also shown with like "like the germans?"

ALSO, a lot of the time people end up coming to him specifically and sort of like... telling him what to do/how HE feels?? and i think he just sort of goes along with it. in season 3 dustin tells him he has a crush on robin until he kind of talks himself into it and then he accidentally crash-fails for a second time by confessing to her at a sort of insane time as well (not that i think he actually had any feelings for her!!). and in season 4 eddie does the SAME with nancy which is almost spectacular.

alsoo while i think he struggles with certain social cues i also think he's very emotionally intelligent and he picks up on people's feelings easily which i guess someone could say it seems to counter? other autistic traits (silly) but to me i think. autistic people are aware of PLENTY of social cues sometimes the cue is just stupid -_- and i can read other people's emotions for sure in fact i'm almost like hyper attuned to it i just don't know how to RESPOND to it a lot of the time. whereas steve picks up on dustin's nerves at the snow ball and reassures him accordingly (and so cutely..), then picks up on robin's emotions after his confession and near-immediately course corrects after her confession in order to make her laugh!!! he was also really good with picking up on nancy's feelings and knowing exactly what to do about it/using forethought about it (like idk holding her hand when they were having sex or something to ease her nerves but also noticing she was upset at the library) when they were together at least 🤔

there are also a number of other various things very dear to me that i have no where else to include. LIKE:

his high pain tolerance!!! he's able to shake off torture, multiple concussions, various beatings with little to almost NO actual repercussions. in s4 it was actually really interesting how he was feeling bad enough to almost faint after the bats but once he was patched up he was "fine", and acted like he was fine for... the rest of the entire show. he did a backflip. high pain tolerance is an offshoot of a sensory dysregulation!!

specifically a lack of filter and moments where he goes "too far" especially when he's struggling with an emotional dysregulation of sorts, like with dustin in s4 or even with jonathan s1, but also like. the dumb faces he was making behind his date's back.

"when i was a baby, i crawled backwards"!!! autistic children can have different development i.e. their early CHILDHOOD development that can present itself in a variety of ways!! atypical to the norm crawling/walking is one of them (also matches up with robin taking 6 months longer to walk than other babies which she Also said to nancy and i think this is significant of something and i don't know what. maybe it's just funny. also stobin soulmates ofc).

to me, being the guy who mid plan debrief is the one saying "so let me get this straight" AND that he's the one asking the necessary questions to get everyone's minds (and in the 4th wall sense the literal plot) moving suggests that he both feels the need to want clarification of like, plans/instructions and what the situation is so everyone is caught up and he didn't get it wrong, and that just speaking it aloud helps cement it in his mind (which is also scripting as well i believe). also his ability to ask the RIGHT "wrong" questions suggests out of-the-box thinking as well (i would say both of these are also an adhd trait!)

his friendship with robin is honestly a point for me LOL. robin is an example of a character i do believe IS intentionally absolutely autistic coded, especially in season 4 but also 3, and his bond with her seems to be a personal one based in trust in each other and their own similarities... in season 4 when they're lamenting their love lives and say they should "just combine" is so important to me.. ugh

he's very particular and possessive about his belongings in an almost pedantic way (c'mon man not my SCOOPER! and wipe your feet before you get in my CAR and honestly even that he refuses to let max drive it fullstop, a little bit)

he also ate. SO many bananas at scoops i think for a time being it ended up being a safe food which literally happened to me as well. a very small thing but i like it

he scripts!! ie he repeats words and phrases aloud as a form of stimulation and getting himself to think or practices what he's going to say before things so he's "scripting" it (his "i'm sorry wtf am i sorry for" speech before he runs into dustin in s2)

he gets along better people who, by majority, aren't in his peer group i.e. the kids!!! and even robin and nancy were a little younger! he is very genuinely friends with the kids and it is Very Genuinely so sweet, but particularly with dustin too i found it sooo... <3

he also shows like these moments of high-intensity like silly child-like qualities of (autistic) joy LIKE when he sees dustin in scoops and they have their little lightsaber fight (which they. had practiced and made beforehand) that is just so sweet to me...

he picks up on things that other people don't!!! as the Normal Guy in a group of people he typically ends up settling in that role BUT he's multiple times picked up on small details that other people don't or DIDN'T notice, which is a neurodivergent trait!! he recognised the song in the russian recording, recalled where it came from like. right after + was the only one who heard dustin in the upside down + other things like noticing when someone's missing from a room

i also think he may be prone to like. i guess sensory overload/emotional dysregulation when he reacts what i think is appropriately to these HUGE scary scenarios but everyone else is like chill out and therefore it's inappropriate to them that he's losing his mind about it. but as time passes and he gets used to it all it lessens for sure (most evident in season 1) but there are moments where he struggles to reign in his truest reactions to things i think LOL. he is also just very dramatic tbf ☝️

his other vague neuroticisms but specifically commenting when things aren't Correct or Right or Safe including complaining about the sterility of the needle he was being injected with mid TORTURE

when he defaults to sports metaphors bc that's the easiest thing he can relate to in s2. god

100% of autistic people i talk to about this all go OH YEAH he's so autistic. tbh i think autistic people relating to a character can be enough of a diagnosis to me. peer diagnosis...

i just think so :)

in conclusion...

#steve harrington #🍦#WARNING . this is like 3k #sts

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thehmn · 1 year

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Just some follow up thoughts/responses on my last post.

When I say I��m a cleaner people on the internet often feel like they have to be nice about it but it’s okay. I know it’s seen as demeaning low-paying work in a lot of countries but here in Denmark it’s considered a proper respectable job that pays pretty well. I’m paid way more than people who answer phones at call centers (like when you buy a ticket over the phone) and only slightly less than my sister’s job as a journalist despite her getting a fancy degree. I’m only balancing on the poverty line because my ADHD is keeping me from working full time, but at the same time cleaning is perfect for me. I get to move around a bunch and I don’t work the same place every day.

And the pandemic really made people understand the value of cleaners. At the start of the pandemic most businesses didn’t feel safe having someone like me visit them because I visit a bunch of places and is around strangers all the time. They thought “Yeah it’s not going to be as nice as usual but surely we can swipe our own floors” That lasted all of one month before they changed their minds. People are messy (especially with coffee) so keeping a workplace clean requires dedicated time. Also, so far I haven’t had Covid once because, you know, even cleaners like to stay clean.

Trust me, if you’ve ever had the thought “Oh well, gives the cleaner something to do. It’s their job anyway” after spilling something you might as well start being rude to waiters and cashiers too. We have plenty to do even if nobody ever spilled anything. Do you think the dust just blows away? Or alternatively, have you been wondering why your workplace is so dusty? Might it have something to do with the coffee stains on the wall that keep disappearing? Cleaners aren’t talked about a lot in conversations about treating essential workers better because we usually show up after you go home but that doesn’t make it any less rude.

And talking about essential workers, remember that list that made the rounds on the internet during the pandemic of what jobs should be considered essential and non-essential and how people got really up in arms about artists being on the non-essential side? As someone who literally got half my pay from cleaning and the other half from working as an artist at the time, my job as a cleaner was a 100% more important during a pandemic. “But people are stuck indoors. They need entertainment for morale and not going stir crazy” I’m sorry but there’s an almost limitless well of entertainment on the internet you haven’t consumed yet. Yeah, I want to see (and make) new art too but trust me, it would mean nothing if we had to walk around in filth. There are a lot of other situations where artists would be more important than cleaners but a pandemic ain’t it.

And finally, I kept saying robot cleaner instead of Roomba in my last post because Roomba is a brand name. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Roomba in the wild despite seeing loads of robot vacuums.

Have a lovey, hopefully clean day ✨

#humontalks #cleaner

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sassypotatoe1 · 8 months

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Survival guide for the adhd/depressed/autistic newly established office worker:

Brought to you by a depressed adhd autistic who took 10 months to adjust to office life after starting to work their first full time job.

Food:

We all have trouble with food, no denying it, so how do you manage it? Well there's a couple of ways depending on your individual needs.

If you're like me and you will end up just not eating if you don't have food immediately accessible, keep a snack drawer. Empty an entire drawer in your desk, buy a combination of healthy and less nutritious snack food that's shelf stable in bulk. I typically get a bunch of packets of like two types of potato chips/crisps, a bunch of single serving packets of salted peanuts, single serving packets of dried fruit flakes because the solid dried fruit are a sensory nightmare, and a bag of lollipops. By 10ish when I need my first snack I pop a lollipop, and if I didn't pack lunch I have access to fiber, protein, fat and carbs.

I also sniffed around for a couple of months to find the best deal on safe food takeout, ie a meal that's filling, relatively balanced, cheap and fits my texture and taste sensitivities. When it gets too expensive I find another one. Once a week I allow myself to get that if I didn't pack lunch so I don't end up spending all my money on takeout but still get to eat well enough.

If you're concerned about overeating or eating less nutritious food, get nutritious safe food options. They're typically a bit more expensive and a bit less shelf stable, I keep instant soup with freeze dried veggies in my drawer in the winter, and I have a tub of ensure to make shakes if I feel I'm missing out on some nutrients. Focus more on dried fruits, pretzels, nuts, instant food with veggies and nutrient loaded fruit juice. Get ensure if you can afford it. In a limited way it can act as a nutritious meal replacement, but I mean limited as in once or twice a week. Do not replace all your meals with a nutrition shake.

When you buy fresh produce, process it immediately before it goes into the fridge/freezer. Don't let that head of lettuce wilt and rot. Pull it apart, wash it off, put what you're not using immediately in a ziploc in the freezer if it freezes, and put the rest open in the produce section of your fridge. Not only will it already be ready to use when you use it, if it's not in a bag or container where the moisture is trapped it remains fresh for longer. That or if you can afford it buy pre-processed produce, divide it into serving portions, freeze what can be frozen.

Buy. Ready. Made. Meals. I know microwave dinners are the butt of the depression joke but they're literally life-saving, because when I was really struggling with my depression and ARFID microwave dinners were my only source of nutrition for a while and it literally kept me from actually dying. Do not be ashamed to meet your needs.

Stimming:

Keep some of your fidget toys or stimming items at your desk. I keep my tangle and fidget cube there so I don't pick my eyebrows to hell and back. It doesn't always work but it's better than nothing. Keep chewing gum in your car. Chewing tricks your brain into thinking you're eating, which tells your sympathetic nervous system that you're safe. It helps you focus better on driving and keeps you a bit calmer making your reaction times faster and less impulsive.

Reminders:

Keep a pad of sticky notes on your desk, preferably a neon color, and all the pens you own that you don't care about losing. Set a reminder on your phone calendar, your computer calendar, your email calendar, on a sticky note on your wall, and in your physical diary. No chance of forgetting something if you do that, because you can't miss all of them.

Take some time to figure out your grocery list. What do you typically need in a month? Make a printout of that grocery list and keep it on your fridge and your phone, along with a monthly or weekly calendar reminder to go grocery shopping. Before you head out check what you still have plenty of and preemptively check it off on your phone list so you don't accidentally buy too much of something.

Keep a "what's in my fridge" log on your fridge. It makes you more aware of what's in there, how long it's been in there, and whether you should throw it out or eat it or leave it. Keep a chart of how long foods hold in the fridge beside that log. The log lists what is in the fridge, when it went into the fridge, when the product seal was broken, and the expiry date of the product. No more moldy fridge food.

Miscellaneous:

Assign care tasks to another task that's already a regular habit. Keep your morning meds by the kettle, and make taking out a dose part of the process of making your morning coffee. Pick a task you do daily at work, usually in the morning, and assign wearing your glasses to that task. I need my glasses to proofread the print dummies because the font isn't very friendly, so I accidentally got into the habit of making putting on my glasses part of the proofreading process. Brushing teeth is part of makeup. Showering is part of getting dressed. It's easier to complete these tasks if I don't view them as seperate tasks, but rather as steps in a different task that comes more naturally to me.

I keep sticky notes and pens in my car, as well as in my purse when I use it, so I can make notes of things when I need to. Car care notes go on stickies when I notice the need, then I'm reminded of it every time I'm in the car. I typically don't even have to read the note, I see that there is one and usually remember what it was about. This helps me remember what I need to do to maintain my car, because I have gotten in an accident and forgotten about it and drove around with a warped front fender for a month. I currently have a sticky note to get my tire pressure checked when I go home from work tonight on my dash.

That's all I have but TL:DR allow yourself to meet your needs without shame, no matter how strange or childish they seem, and find loopholes to your behavior for the best outcome for your health, safety and productivity. Like I said in the intro it took me 10 months to figure out these, so don't be afraid to take the time to figure out what works for you. It'll be absolutely worth it.

#adhd things #living with adhd #Adhd #Autism #actually autistic #actually adhd #tw depression #depression #Depressed #self care #neurodivergent #Work #Job #Organization #life hacks

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bomberqueen17 · 1 year

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everything is ads

i was just complaining about this on a discord i’m a member of. (discord is. sigh. what is it. well it’s not the public internet. it’s not a substitute for social media. but it’s something. the incalculable harm done to fannish community by having so much of the active discussion now silo’d in these private, unsearchable servers is hard to state, but it’s a necessary retreat given that all the platforms keep proving themselves to be garbage. A N Y W A Y i had a thing i was gonna say.)

You are interested in an art form, or hobby. so you look it up on the internet. you find a creator who does the thing you like, and you follow them, probably on instagram currently. Their instagram has frequent posts about their art, which is great. Sometimes you can learn some techniques from them. But then they want to sell you courses in how to learn it. Of course they need to monetize, but it’s a bit off-putting; you just want to do this for a hobby, and want to learn how, and to have to pay to take a course in it is sort of beyond your means for this kind of thing.

And then like... half the posts are unboxings.They bought art supplies, which they are going to review for you. Here’s a haul video, which isn’t really even a review so much as it is just showing off each of these products. As they put them away, you can see that their storage is stuffed full of more and more unused stuff from all the previous haul videos and unboxings. Where are they putting all this? When are they using it? How much money are they spending on it?? Yes there’s an affiliate code if you want to buy one too, there’s a discount if you use it. Help a creator out. Support a small business!

I’m happy to support small businesses and I do like supporting independent creators but uh like... that’s... you wind up so inured to this constant buying of new stuff, and yes you can get a lil dopamine hit from shopping but my god, no. No. It is not harmless and it is not innocuous, when you are being constantly bombarded with this normalization of constant consumption.

(I have a fraught relationship with buying things. My ADHD Or Whatever It Is really likes the shiny new, but I have been broke most of my life, and my inability to do math makes me alternately over-conservative and reckless with money. I have had years where I spent almost everything I earned on frivolous bullshit. i have had years where I spent nothing that wasn’t on food or gasoline, and wore clothes with holes in them that didn’t fit and just made do and just lived smaller and smaller. This is a constant, ongoing problem, and watching a creator I admire unbox her new purchases of random shit literally twice a week does not help me untangle it, and that’s just one of the people I follow, seriously how does this person have the money to just keep buying more stuff.)

I know that the underlying problem is capitalism, specifically the current hyperconcentrated strain of it we have that means that the middle class basically doesn’t exist. When I was growing up, an author could make a reasonable career in the mid-list, putting out a book every year or two and living off the advance on the next one while the previous one earned out, and after a couple decades you could retire on the residuals. But by the time I was old enough to pursue a career, that line of work was dead; now you’re either a superstar or you’re grinding out two or more novels a year to make poverty wages if you’re lucky, and doing all of your own marketing too on top of it. Every industry has gone that route; anything remotely creative, there’s now no outlet for except hustling as a Content Creator on the Internet. You gotta have a little Etsy or a shopify, you gotta have a Patreon and make that worthwhile somehow. instagram wants a reel every day, you gotta game that algorithm for exposure, teach yourself video marketing on top of whatever it is you actually like. You can’t just work your undemanding civil service job and make extremely detailed tutorial pages in your evenings and weekends because you don’t have evenings and weekends anymore and every hobby has to become a slave to the grind.

So I’m not mad at the creators, I’m not mad at the people forced to hustle. I’m just so tired. The solution has to be systemic; yelling at the content creators isn’t going to fix anything. We need higher wages, we need better labor protections-- I know that’s unsexy and not a good slogan for anything but believe me, that is the bottom line here.

IDK I don’t have a punchline. I guess I want to gently encourage y’all to practice non-consumption as self-care. Be aware of that side effect of constantly being bombarded with ads, where you just sort of absorb this feeling that it’s normal to constantly be buying things.

I’m not saying don’t click on your little indie creators’ ads. I’m just saying remember that everything is ads. [Just this week I bought deodorant from an Instagram ad because the girl selling it was hot, I am not immune. I know fine well what I did. Listen I needed more deodorant anyway and I don’t find very many people hot so it was notable.]

And, bringing it around to be immediately topical, when we say don’t interact with corporate accounts here on Tumblr, we mean corporate. Don’t hate the tiny hustlers. This is maybe the only platform where they can still have any kind of meaningful reach. All the others have realized that you can make businesses pay to not be hidden, and if they don’t ransom themselves, you can hide them from their friends and customers, but Tumblr hasn’t hit that yet. That’s the real origin of the Instafluencer-- the actual brands’ ability to market directly is limited, so they have to find people to shill for them.

You can block ads. But when your favorite creator is shilling, you can’t block that without losing the parts you like too. it’s so fucking insidious.

#advertisements #shopping season #consumption #about the author #advertising #pernicious influences of influencers

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 1 month

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I've been feeling inclined to vent about the general concept of "substance use" and "dependency" recently for no particular reason, and it's probably just my own brain finally processing some of the things that happened to me in The Bad Times but what the hell lets go with it.

I was pretty much straight edge until my mid 20s, no alcohol, cigarettes, weed, nothing. Then I got into a series of abusive relationships, nearly died of Mystery Diseases, and a pandemic happened right after. My life went from barely getting by in the world to bouncing between constant crises overnight. I was in therapy and had been for years, I had self care tools and was using them. I was medicated for all of my diagnosed mental health needs (ADHD wasn't on the record yet, so was still unmanaged, but I was doing my best behaviorally to keep on top of shit, obviously that stopped working fast). I worked full time plus going to school part time plus working part time at my internship for a grand total of about 90 hrs per week of work/school related obligations. I lived with several other people who I worked to support financially and who I needed to also support emotionally, and I still managed to run my household for the most part with minimal support except from wifey who was also working about 60-70 hour weeks at her own job to help us make ends meet and was only barely medicated and managed herself. I genuinely don't know when I slept or rested.

The first thing I tried was weed. I used edibles to sleep without nightmares or the anxieties that would keep me up for the rare few hours I had to rest. It also helped with the constant pain I was in. I would get high as fuck on a weed brownie or a pre roll on the one day off I had each month so I didn't have to think or feel or exist because it was the only way I could find to genuinely relax anymore without worrying about the growing mountain of Life Responsibilities that I could never catch up on. Life eased a bit, and I kept doing that.

One day, I had a rare night off, and wifey was going to go out to a club with some friends. I hadn't been anywhere fun in years. I hadn't had time or money or energy. I was desperate to see people and relax and maybe sance a little. A pandemic was on, and the local clubs were having discounts like mad. We went and got shitfaced on cocktails that cost less than lunch at a diner for a round and I made out with a cute girl and I came home laughing for the first time in years. From then on, we would keep a cheap six pack of something in the fridge and every once in a while I would down 2-3 and get fucked up for a bit between that and the weed. Life felt a bit easier and I kept going.

But behind the scenes the cracks kept forming. It wasn't the substances that were causing them. And they weren't even what was making it worse. But they were letting me pretend those cracks weren't there. Letting me run from a reality I knew I couldn't fix. By the time I realized how bad things had gotten, how deep into the pit I was, I was living in a tent in the woods, cooking my dinners on a campfire with my family, throwing back weed and cheap booze like my life depended on it because god what the fuck else do you have when a creek and a rainstorm are the closest you get to a shower and your bed is a pile of blankets in a military surplus tent with all the warm bodies piled together so you don't fucking freeze at night?

I was still working full time though, and for those hours, I had to be sober. No if ands or buts about it. And I was okay with that line, even if it left me riddled with anxiety and trauma and stress 16 hours a day while I worked my doubles in the ER and came home to try and scrub the COVID off in the creek before I went back to the tent. And then a coworker asked me if I wanted to join her on a cigarette break. I did. I desperately wanted to feel normal. To chitchat and talk about nothing important, and feel the breeze on my face. So I bummed a cigarette and smoked with her. That one cigarette became 3 a day. Then 6. Then, a whole pack. A nervous habit of sucking on a cigarette or a vape whenever I needed to fidget or relax while still being sober. It's been 3 years now and I've tried to quit half a dozen times but here I am in my fucking home office pulling on a cigarette like it's my last hope of comfort.

I don't drink anymore though. My body won't let me. Blah blah allergic reactions blah blah. Fine. I kept trying for a while, allergies be damned. But it stopped being worth it. Sometimes the cigarettes aren't worth it either. I choke on every inhale and my body dry heaves like it knows I'm putting in something it doesn't want. On those days I don't smoke. I don't think there have been many days I've gone without weed. I honestly don't know what to do with myself on the days I abstain. Like I do? I can cope. I just. I'm still so tired.

The part of me that broke all those years ago and said fuck it, lets see what drugs do, is still recovering. It's still resting and healing. Some days are better than others. Some days it does fine and it says "lets fuckin rawdog the day my mans" and I do, and it's great. Other times it's so small and frail that I know if I tried I might break it again, and I just can't risk that.

I've been told before that this is dependency. Maybe even misuse. I've been told by others that this is the point. If it's helping, then let it. I don't know what the answer is. Some days I resent not being the person I was before I started using weed and cigarettes to get through the day. I've tried other things too, and they've never done much for me, so I never went back. Does that mean that I'm not "dependent" I'm "self-medicating"? Is that a good or a bad thing? Does it fucking matter? I honestly don't know. I wish it didn't feel like it mattered. I wish that I could go through my days and feel like I had more of a choice. I actually miss being able to get high lol. Like weed hasn't given me an actual high in years, it just. Helps me get through things a little better. But how much am I really willing to keep living that way? How much of my life do I *want* impacted by whether or not I can smoke or have some thc? Some days it's fine. Some days I'm bothered by it.

The thing that gets me every time though is how at every single point when I made the choice to pick up a new "substance" it was because I was desperate, overwhelmed, and completely without alternatives. I knew full goddamn well every time what I was doing. I had years of both anti-drug war knowledge and addiction/recovery knowledge in my brain and I understood that I was at my most vulnerable, I was my most at risk. That making this choice could be fine or could be life changing or could be somewhere in between and it was worth being self aware as I did it. But I just. I was so tired. I was so broken down. I just needed to rest. I needed to feel something other than the stress and fear for a while. And no one was offering me anything else that made a dent. Trust me. I tried.

I don't say this to suggest to people that Drugs Are The Answer. I genuinely don't think they are. I still wish every day I had never picked up that first cigarette. I still wish that I felt well enough to live my life without needing help to rest and recover. But I can't blame anyone who makes the choices I did. I can't doubt the feelings of need and desperation that often drive us to interact with our support tools the way we do. I've also found over the years, that it's not just "substances" that people will turn to for help with avoidance the way I did. Avoidance is so very very human, and the way I skirted around acknowledging how beyond my capacity for repair my life was getting (even while actively working to resolve those things) had more to do with mh inability to acknowledge that I was failing people I loved than what tool I was using to avoid the acknowledgement. It could just as easily have been my work, or video games, or shopping, or gardening, or anything else in the world that allowed me to isolate myself in a world that felt smaller and simpler for a while so I could take a break from problem solving the way the rest of my world was steadily crumbling around me. I chose weed, alcohol and nicotine. Other people will make other choices. But maybe we all sometimes run away from problems we realize we can't solve until one day we're backed into a corner we can't run from. Maybe that's just human. Maybe the drugs just made me feel less like shit while I ran. And maybe that's part of how I survived to make things right for myself.

I really don't know. I can't know.

What I do know is that I left the relationship that was destroying my life. I'm safe now, and wifey and I are doing much better now that our communication isn't being actively sabotaged. I'm doing much better now healthwise that the food in my home is consistently safe to eat for me and I'm not being left without any food at all on a semi-regular basis. I *am* still the primary breadwinner of the household, but it no longer feels as though I have to run the household itself on top of that, and I *am* consistently supported (encouraged even) to rest when needed, even if that is still hard for me to do. I've stopped drinking, and that does feel better. I spend less time and energy seeking substances and I *do* smoke fewer cigarettes less often even if I do still smoke sometimes. I feel happier and more stable than I think I ever have. My life is. Mostly working? And pretty good now. The cracks have been able to heal in ways that are, if not structurally sound, at least working up to it. I am fragile, but making progress. Does that mean I made the right choices? The wrong ones? Will I ever know?

I dunno comrade. But. We all do what we can, what we must, and what we can figure out. Maybe judgement and shame about all that just doesn't help.

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