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anemhoez · 10 months

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That Spark…

Mafia!Thoma/AFAB Sex worker!Reader

words: 4k

A/N: Some things about the story!!

Character Ages

some ages for the characters aren’t specifically given in the Genshin canon, so i went by the median age i found.

Thoma is said to be a young man aged 20+ (i assume hes the same age as Ayato, who is about 24 and the head of his clan

Ayaka is at least 18-20 as the eldest daughter of the Kamisato clan

Sara is a general of an army and is said to be at least 20-22

Yae Miko is like, a 500+ year old yokai lol

I just want to be clear on their ages cause we do NOT write minor characters into sexual situations on this page!

Yae Miko’s name

I KNOW MIKO IS A TITLE!

I promise im not uncultured, i know its a shrine maiden title but im going to call her Miko in this story 😌 if it’s what Ei calls her, its what ill call her 😀 (ive seen fans call her yae or miko, others say the kanji for her name is different so its not the same meaning) but for this story its Miko hehe

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WARNINGS: language, unprotected sex, mentions of smoking

This is a work of fiction and is not relevant to the Genshin Impact lore! All characters (except the reader ofc) and settings belong to Hoyoverse (DONT SUE ME THANKS)

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

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It was time for celebration in inazuma since the Sakoku Decree was finally lifted. Vision bearers were now allowed to roam free in the streets without scrutiny. The city buzzed with excitement as you walked through the growing crowds, loud fireworks crackling in the distance. Since It was your day off from work, you were on your way to Komore Teahouse, and you couldn’t think of a better way to relax than meeting friends and enjoying some great food and conversation. Upon entering the teahouse, you greeted the staff politely and made sure to give Taroumaru his pets and ear scratches. The usual stoic canine wagged his tail in excitement. When you reached the second floor, you could already hear the boisterous laughs of the friends you were meeting. “Hey everyone!” you exclaimed as you walked in greeting your friends Ayaka, Miko, and Sara. They all greeted you back with cheers, “Y/n, finally! I cant for the life of me remember the details of that one encounter you had with the Kairagi guy,” Miko asked, “What did he call his manhood again?” she asked with a finger to her chin. You giggled remembering the exact story she was referencing. The three of them were your closest friends, and stories of your past adventures were something you were more than comfortable sharing. “He called it his, mighty Orobashi,”you said with your fingers making air quotes, “when the poor thing wasn’t even the size of a baby garden snake.” The women erupted in laughter, “The audacity of some men,” Sara said sarcastically before taking a sip of her tea, “You would think with the kind of discipline they have in battle, they would at least have some kind of humility in bed.” Miko giggled, “No such thing as humility when it comes to men and their desires.” The four of you chatted about the outlander, and their victory against the mighty Shogun. Miko sighed recalling her role in the whole ordeal, “The amount of planning on my part, so troublesome,” her voice calm,” “but if its whats best for her, and the people, then so be it.” You rolled your eyes at her, “So is it you we should be thanking Lady Guuji ? The sacrifices you must have made!” you teased with the most sarcasm you could muster. Before the snarky pink haired woman could reply, a waitress came to your table and bowed to you all. “My apologies, but theres someone asking for you.” she said gesturing towards you. You were a little taken aback, seeing as how anyone who could have been looking for you was currently at this table,“Thank you, Ill be right there.” you said and stood up. “Well, well, looks like you’re quite the popular person,” Miko said, “we’re expecting all the details upon your return darling.” You walked down the stairs and were greeted with the one person you did not want to see on your day off, “Boss? What is it?” The woman before you sighed, “Now Y/n, you know I wouldn’t be here in person if it wasn’t of the utmost importance,” she explained, leaning in closer to you, “look, i know its your day off but i need you, we’re so busy tonight.” You sighed, a hand coming up to your forehead, “I cant believe this.” She just shrugged, “Well, believe it, the whole towns celebrating and were booked, I just might have to pitch in soon.” You laughed at the thought, “Alright boss, please don’t go and pull a muscle, i’ll be there soon.” you joked. The older woman scoffed, “What exactly is that supposed to mean?!” she yelped at you as you headed back to your friends. “Sorry ladies, but I’m being called in,” you said and hugged each one of them. Ayaka frowned, “It was nice catching up with you anyway Y/n, oh i almost forgot,” she said suddenly, “Yoimiya mentioned something about some new fireworks she was planning on setting off later tonight, maybe if you have time?” she asked sweetly, it was always so difficult to say no to her. “Ill try my best to make it Ayaka, by the shore right? Closest to her store?” She nodded and with that you waved goodbye to them and headed out.

You hurried to your workplace, the red lights above you lining your path as you walked up to the building. Patrons stood outside, smoking cigars and singing songs of past victories. A man held the door open for you and you headed in, the familiar sounds of sex meeting your ears. Your boss turned to you after realizing you were finally here. “Thank the Archons!” she exclaimed and brought you over to a man who was leaning up against a nearby wall. “This is Y/n, theyll be taking care of you tonight,” she said softly , her tone completely different from the one she used in private, “If theres anything else you need, please don’t hesitate to let us know.” The tall blond before you nodded, a bright smile spreading across his face, “Thank you,” he chimed, his voice filled with cheer, “Im Thoma.” His eyes scrunched into half moons as he smiled wide. You bowed in front of him, ”Right this way Thoma.” your voice soft and welcoming as you gestured for him to head up the stairs. He headed up the creaky steps while your boss pulled you aside by your arm. “Listen Y/n, hes with the Yashiro commission, you make sure you do whatever he wants, understand?” You simply nodded and headed up the stairs to meet your client.

“This way,” you instructed and he followed you down the hall. The moans and whines of your colleagues even louder now, “Hows your day been?” you asked trying to make idle chit chat. He sighed, “Eventful.” Was all he said. The two of you reached the door to your room and you held it open for him, “After you.” He entered the room, but stayed by the door, worried it’d be impolite of him to just sit somewhere without permission. You laughed and closed the door, making sure to lock it. “Please Thoma, make yourself at home.” He just nodded and began to remove his shoes and jacket. You stole a glance at his lean figure. His toned arms were decorated with tattoos of various designs and colors. You noticed a familiar looking dog on his left arm, “Wait a second, I recognize him!” You walked up to him and examined the portrait of Taroumaru, “Would you believe it? I just saw this little cutie,” you explained with a smile thinking about the sweet pup. “Really? That’s my buddy,” he said with a giggle, looking cheerfully at the ink portrait, “I’ll miss him now that I’m not hiding out at the teahouse anymore.” He placed his jacket at the back of your vanity chair and looked at you. You eyed him up and down, his toned form under his tight shirt catching your intense gaze. “You like what you see?” he asked with a cocky grin. “Hmm, maybe?” you joked and you began disrobing in front of him. You pulled your loose dress over your head and tossed it aside. He stared at you now, his beautiful green eyes trailing up and down your form. You wore a simple set of undergarments, nothing as fancy as you could have had on if you had more time to prepare. But it seemed like he didnt care much anyway, what with the way he was biting his bottom lip, practically eye fucking you. “You’re gorgeous,” he said and walked closer to you. “Thank you, please sit” you motioned with a hand towards your bed. He obliged, sitting on the edge and letting out a sigh. “So, your boss wanted me to see you specifically, huh?” You walked up and knelt down before him, “Thats right,” your voice low and sultry, “and you’re about to find out why, Thoma.” Your hands trailed up his thighs, the tight muscles taught underneath his pants. You made your way to the hem of his pants and prepared to undo then when he stopped you suddenly, “I almost died today.” his voice so matter of fact you just stood up, “Oh,” you said plainly, not really sure what to say next. “well, I cant say thats the craziest thing i’ve ever heard while on my knees.” Thoma chuckled, reaching out and taking you by the hands gently, “My apologies, its my first time in a place like this so,” his thumbs rubbed the back of your hands softly, “I guess I’m kind of nervous?” Being nervous was understandable, but blurting out about your near death experience was, kind of sad. “I see,” you said and took a seat next to him, “Would you like to talk about it?” Thoma shook his head, “Nah,Its just, being that close to death, in front of the Shogun? Kind of gave me some clarity.” His voice was low as he turned towards you, bright green eyes full of a renowned vigor for life. “What kind of clarity?” you asked apprehensively, worried if you pried too much, youd end up on the Yashiro Commissions list. “That I should, be as nice to myself as I am to others.” After hearing those words, you realized how heavily you could relate. Your whole job was to take care of others, oftentimes at risk to your own sanity. “So, you ended up here as a way to, be nicer to yourself?” you asked with a wiggle of your eyebrows. He laughed hard, “Seems that way, yeah,” he leaned back on his elbows, and you placed a hand on his thigh, “You’re in the right place Thoma.” Your hand squeezed and he looked at you with lustful eyes, “Ill take really good care of you, I promise.” He flashed a bright smile and you wondered if his face ever got tired from how much he did that. “Is it alright if, you take them off?” he asked softly and pointed to your underwear. “So polite,” you said with a grin, “you must be the nicest guy in Inazuma.”

Thoma watched as you stood up and reached around to undo your bra, the light fabric falling to the floor. You reached down to take off your underwear, “Wait, turn around.” he commanded with a low, sultry voice. You did as he requested and turned, your plump ass facing him. you looked back over your shoulder and kept eye contact with him as you slowly pulled down your underwear. Your body bent over as you pulled them off of your feet and heard him curse under his breath. He reached out, taking a handful of your ass in his hands. “Actually, I should probably thank the shogun,” his voice was deep as you felt him lower his head closer to your ass, “had she not tried to kill me today,” he spread your ass cheeks and spit on your hole, “I probably wouldn’t have had the chance to have you like this.” He licked up his own saliva against you, causing you to whine at the sensation. his tongue entered your asshole and began exploring. “Im at your service,” you huffed out and held his head closer to you, “Even the gods cant stop us now Thoma.” He gripped at your plush thighs, his tongue lazily licking up your folds after rimming your asshole a bit. His mouth pulled away with a wet smack and he stood, pulling you into an embrace and moved his hands down your belly, “Tell me what you want Y/n,” he whispered in your ear as his fingers found your wet and waiting cunt. He inserted his fingers into you, curving them and easily finding your spot. “There, faster!” you pleaded while the vulgar, wet squelching sounds that came out of you had him whispering praises in your ear. “Your so wet, I cant wait to have a taste” Your knees buckled, his skilled fingers and words of praise making you weak. You could feel yourself coming undone, just by his fingers so you moved away from him, his fingers coming out of you and directly into his mouth. He licked his fingers clean, sitting back down on the bed, “Feels too good, yeah?” he said cockily. You had had your doubts about him, but with the way he was licking you off of him, and the moans that fell from his lips as he did so, you knew then that he definitely knew what he was doing, and you were more than grateful for it.

You came up to him and wrapped your arms around his neck, “Yeah, but id rather cum on your cock than on your fingers.” You said before kissing him, tasting yourself on his lips. You felt your self being lifted off of the ground suddenly, his strong arms holding you close. He moved to bring you onto the bed and the two of you bounced lightly on the mattress. Thoma stood up and hurriedly removed his shirt and pants, fumbling over his belt buckle as he did so. “Slow down, the shogun isnt after you anymore.” you said and crawled over to the edge of the bed to meet him. You helped him with the buckle on his pants, looking up at him as you did so. “We have the whole night, and you can do whatever you want with me.” you said as you reached down to wake his member. You tugged on it, heavy and warm in your hand, the prominent veins throbbed. He pushed his pants off and stepped out of them. Your free hand then pulled his undergarment down while your mouth dribbled saliva onto his dick, your eyes darting up to look at him. Thoma placed a hand behind your head and you bent down and took him into your mouth. You sucked his tip, swirling your tongue around and mixed your saliva with his own seed. His hand was gentle at the back of your head as he pushed you onto him further. Your hand stroked and squeezed easily with how messy you were making him. He moaned in appreciation watching you as you worked. “Archons, your so pretty on my cock.” words of praise huffing out of his mouth as you gurgled on his length. The long organ at the back of your throat caused you to gag, but you breathed through your nose to accommodate him. He thrust into your mouth slowly, enjoying the way your eyes began to tear at his ministrations. He pulled you off of him with a pop and rubbed his hard dick along your cheeks, making even more of a mess on your face. You took his dick back into your mouth and sucked, tugging at his sack as you did so. “Fuck,” he growled and pulled you back off quickly, bringing a thumb to your mouth and smearing your saliva that was stained white with his pre-cum over your mouth. You sucked his thumb, desperately needing something in your mouth to suck on. You gazed into each others eyes, sharing the same lustful thoughts. The quiet as you stared at each other was deafening, no words being said, but a knowing stare shared.

He moved to lay over you, his broad shoulders and toned arms covering you at either side, He observed your face, sticky and sultry, “Enough to make the gods themselves jealous, how did i get so lucky?” he asked rhetorically before you maneuvered yourself from under him, pushing him down onto his back and seating yourself on top of him. You hovered over his cock, rubbing the his tip over your folds. You stared at him devilishly before using a hand to help guide him in. You sunk down, bottoming out and feeling his cock nestle at your cervix. You hoped that the Gods were in fact watching, immensely jealous at how youd be worshipping Thoma tonight instead.

He hissed, so desperate and eager to fuck you right then and there, but being the gentleman he was, he waited for your next move. After all, you were the one who was on the clock, and by the Seven Archons, you would prove to him that you were just that great at your job. You moved your hands along your body sensually and he watched you intently, almost as if you’d disappear right before him if he didn’t keep his desperate eyes on you. As he bit down on his bottom lip, his eyes went dark with lust as you began to slowly move up and down onto him, rolling your hips against him and eliciting the most beautiful sound you’ve ever heard from a man. “Ah, you feel,” he stopped to breathe as you moved up and down on him again, this time agonizingly slow, “fuck, so good.” he finally huffed out. You placed your hands on his toned abdomen, working your body on top of him making sure to let Thoma know exactly why you were the most desired in Inazuma. Strong hands came to grip your ass as you rode him hard. He groaned and moved his hips up, meeting yours in a fever. You moaned and threw your head back “Yes Thoma, like that!” you yelped while your hands squeezed your breasts hard. You whined his name loudly, the sound making him move faster against you. Your walls fluttered around him, muscles clenching down as he brought you closer with every hard and delicious drag of his cock in and out of you. The man under you fucked you hard and fast, as if he had something to prove, and with a few more thrusts, you were sent right into a very deserved euphoric peak You cried out his name once more, cumming hard on him. He leaned up and took your chin gently in his hand, “can I,” he huffed out his next words while still pumping into you, “can I finish inside?” he asked sweetly. You were still trying to catch your breath, your pussy throbbing in bliss. All you could do was just shake your head no, and the man quickly pulled out of you. He tugged on his member, his seed spurting out in hot, sticky ribbons all over your stomach. The beautiful man grunted and moaned as he came, his body completely spent and moving to lay next to you afterwards. You caught your breath slowly milking your orgasm by squeezing your legs together, “Today was my day off, by the way.”you huffed out. Thomas tired laugh echoed through the room, “No way,” he looked over at you, “I almost die, you almost don’t come into work,” he moved your damp hair out of your face, “i’d say this is fate Y/n” You leaned in and kissed him, his lips parting to welcome your tongue. Whether it be fate, or the gods themselves you didnt care, cause the guy you were currently kissing was one of the few men to bring you to such an incredible climax.

Soon, you both cleaned up with some warm water and a cloth from the nearby basin on the vanity. He helped clean you up, kissing the spots on your stomach where his seed had just been wiped off. You slipped into your silk robe, and he helped you tie it at your waist. He finally turned from you, grabbing his clothes to get dressed. While turned away from you, and for the first time, you saw the vivid full back tattoo common amongst the members of the Yashiro Comission. You gazed at the intricate detail, wondering how you had missed seeing it before. Once he finished dressing, and checking to make sure he had his vision at his side, he turned back to you. You cocked your head to the side, curious about something. “Your vision, can i ask how you received it? I’ve always been curious about how the gods choose who gets one.” He held it, rubbing his thumb along the bright red orb, “I pledged my loyalty to the Kamisato clan, I suppose the gods favor such righteous endeavors.” in your mind you knew there wasnt anything righteous about organized crime, but it wasnt any of your business to question that. And youd be lying to yourself if you said you werent curious about what kind of man Thoma was. And this night with him? It made him seem like a sweetheart, a gentleman who kissed you all over and asked what you wanted instead of focusing on himself. He cleared his throat, abruptly bringing you from your own thoughts. “So, you think we could, do this again sometime?” his nervous laugh making him just that much more annoyingly cute. “Are you, asking to be one of my regulars? That’s a very coveted spot in this city.” The tall blond laughed and walked with you towards the door, “I’m sure I’m more than capable of earning my place.” he said, a somewhat cocky grin on his face. You moved in and adjusted the various ornaments on his jacket, getting him put back together nicely before he met the outside world again. “Come by and ask for me anytime, I’ll take care of you.” you said and opened the door for him. He tried to hide his cheeky grin and slight blush on his cheeks but you caught it anyway. “Oh! I almost forgot.” he said in shock and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small pouch of mora and handed it to you. You took it from him, almost forgetting completely just who you were, and why he was here in the first place. “Right, thank you, enjoy the rest of your night Thoma.” You said sweetly before he waved and turned away without another word.

Almost as soon as he had left, your boss hurried up the stairs and straight into your room. “WELL?!” she exclaimed excitedly, bursting through the door without a knock. You explained that everything went well, and that there was nothing to worry about. You followed the house rules, making sure he didn’t finish inside of you, but you didn’t give too much away of course. Those special, sweet moments were reserved only for you. Also per house rules, you handed over half of your mora to the woman who now held her hand out to you. You couldn’t really complain about it considering you were one of the few workers who were paid more, but you worried if itd ever be enough to pay your debts off and finally leave. After receiving her share, she thanked you for coming in and headed back to her post downstairs.

The night was cool and crisp as you hurriedly made your way towards the beach. You quickly removed your sandals at the sandy stones that led from Yoimiyas store. Holding them tightly in your hand, you rushed to meet up with your friends. With the cool sand at your feet, you soon found your friends who waved to you. Yoimiya beamed upon seeing you. “Y/n! Glad you could make it!” Miko took you by the arm and pulled you close to her side, “You alright? I don’t need to go over there and give them all a piece of my mind do I?” She was always making sure you were alright after work and the gesture always made you feel loved. “No need to worry, everything went well.” Yoimiya began the countdown and the sky soon erupted with beautiful sparkles as the fireworks bursted loudly. Silhouettes of slimes and symbols exploded above, your heart full as you watched closely. You couldn’t help but feel at home amongst the people you loved while cheering and enjoying the light show. Ayaka was suddenly called away by a pair of Yashiro Commission guards who were there to protect her and make sure she arrived home safety. You kept a close eye on her as she walked up to them and before you looked back up at the sky, you noticed a familiar face. Thoma walked up and began talking with Ayaka as well, bowing before giving her a smile. They exchanged greetings and some words before she turned and headed back towards you all. He followed her with his eyes and met your gaze. You blushed a little, remembering what had just happened between the two of you not too long ago. He smiled wide at you, his eyes doing that endearing half moon eye smile that you admitted to yourself, was growing on you. All you could do was smile back as Ayaka took your hand in hers, “I’m so glad you could make it!” she said with glee. “Me too.” you said with a smile. You looked back up at the night sky, grateful for the set of circumstances that brought you to meeting someone like Thoma. “Glory to the shogun I suppose.” you thought sarcastically in your mind. You hoped to both her and Celestia above, that you’d get the chance to see him again.

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A/N: Here it is! Hope you all enjoy it as much as i do lol 🧡

#genshin impact #genshin impact smut #thoma smut #thoma genshin #genshin thoma #i love him alot #thoma #genshin reader insert #genshin reactions #genshin fanfic #genshin x reader #thoma x reader

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n3rdy247 · 5 months

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HEY GIRL YOU DEFINITELY DONT KNOW WHO THIS IS *WINK WINK WINK WINK* (I'm saying wink out loud everytime btw)

From stranger to stranger *wink* do you by any chance write samgladiator hcs??????? 😊😊😊

Perhaps x reader hcs??????? 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

THATD BE SO SILLY IF YOU DID YKNOW LIKE GIRL ITD BE CRAZYYYYYYYY YKNOW LIKE ITD BE SO INSANEEEEEEEE RIGHT???????????

EAEHRHHSUGHE DUDE RIGHTHTHTH IT WOULD BE SOOOOOO FUCKING WILD AND SUCH A SILLY THING TO DO 🤭🤭🤭

(PROBABLY WILL BE OOC THOUGH since i only watched a few episodes, so I'm really sorry if this doesn't really fit your headcanons anon WHO I TOTALLY DON'T KNOW *wink wink*)

(ANYWAY, these will be (mostly) based off the reboot since idk much and keep in mind that I only watched a few episodes, so I'm really sorry if these HCs seem really OOC)

YHS!SAM X READER HEADCANONS GO WEEEE!!!!

I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE

❥ Sooo, starting off the bat, since I'm not really writing yandere hcs, let's put all the batshit crimes he committed aside for this occasion..and focus on him being really silly. ❥ If you see him tripping near a trash can, dude, that's on YOU. I imagine he'd be jokingly bragging to someone how he is about to make a 'pro gamer move', then immediately fail a millisecond later before he could even try SHIT

❥ His love language? Well...uh....you could say it's kind of a mix. ❥ For example, gift giving? Absolutely. If you were to mention something specific that you wanted even once (or maybe even when you were talking to yourself while walking back home)? Expect that very thing to appear right outside your doorstep with a poorly drawn rabbit doodle sticked on top of it with a bunny sticker. ❥ Quality time? Definitely! He loves to see you wake up and THRIVE FOR ANOTHER DAY! You BET he stalks the shit out of you though. If you can't shake the feeling that you're being watched at school, on the road back home, and mayybe when you are about to sleep, then that's on HIM. (Sorry, I said I'm not really writing yandere hcs, not that I will never write any.) ❥ Physical touch? ... ❥ DO YOU TAKE HIM AS A MENTALLY WELL GUY? I DIDN'T THINK SO. ❥ You should know by now that he would SCREAM the second his hand accidentally brushes against yours (though we're not sure about the accident part WINK WINK)

❥ I also have a teeny tiny headcanon that he only lets YOU touch his rabbit ears. (and I MEAN ONLY YOU if others even TRIED they'd be thrown to the nearest dumpster) And when you do so? He MELTS. Like don't be surprised if you see him giggle like a freaking teenage girl is what I'm trying to say 🤭🤭🤭

❥ You also cannot tell me he wouldn't also try to impress you, one way or another. Whether it be trying to make you giggle and twirl your hair by saying the most APPALLING pickup lines of all time, or casually talking to you about your interests as if he was already a huge fan of em (bro actually stood up all night looking at every search result on google about that topic, BUT SHH)

❥ He would also tell you about his day BY EITHER LYING OR TWISTING HIS WORDS AROUND. COME ON NOW.

"Sooo..what weree you up to this weekend?" ❥ "Oh, me??? Well, I bought my friend a cat...and I did help a guy raise money for his cancer.." as he recalls what the FUCK happened in his life that went wrong

❥ Now. You know this man would never ever want to leave you alone (as if it wasn't obvious enough with the abandonment issues and the stalking, but I digress) so you definitely would need to reassure his ass. But once you do so? His droopy rabbit ears would slowly, but surely go right back up again. He can't help it though, you just seem to always make him feel better by existing.

either way, he is a little fucked up bastard someone please put him in a psychiatric hospital (or kiss him, that sounds like a better solution) *DROPS THE MIC AND IMMEDIATELY RUNS*

#OH GOD I HOPE THIS IS GOOD I'M NOT REALLY SURE #RGRGRHGARGHRG I'M REALLY SORRY IF THIS ISN'T GREAT #yandere high school #yandere high school reboot #yhs reboot #yhs #samgladiator yhs #samgladiator #yhs sam x reader #yandere high school sam x reader #sam x reader #explodes like an atom bomb

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wackyrumble · 11 months

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Barry the Chopper v.s. Roommate

Barry the Chopper - Fullmetal Alchemist

Barry was a butcher turned serial killer, who as punishment had his soul bound to armor and let him keep his murder weapons in exchange for guarding a place. He agrees to not kill when meeting the main-ish cast because of a woman he's fallen for and doesn't want her mad at him. He remains comedically docile aside from jailbreaking a woman who shot him in the hand. Read more about Barry below.

Roommate - Diary of a Tourney Kid

A clone of Adam Ruins Everything that came out wrong. He debunks things in the same way as his original, but completely incorrectly. Bill Cipher turned him into a hand puppet and fused him with a clone of another character. Fought Walter White and his evil shadow self, Walter Black. Read more about Roommate below.

Full description of Barry:

"i really dont think theres ever been another character quite like him. hes so much. his backstory is that he was a butcher who decided to be a serial killer one day because chopping up animal meat wasnt doing it for him anymore and then when he got caught and sentenced to death the government instead had his soul bound to a suit of armor that looks like sans undertales fursona and let him keep the knives he used to kill people in exchange for guarding the lab they did it to him at. and then he spends the show as a comic relief character. like hes the funniest guy in the whole thing. after his first appearance the secondary "good guy" squad run into him and decide to make him their sidekick in exchange for intel, and because they have Some moral standards they tell him chopper no chopping and he agrees because one of them is a strong confident sniper lady hes decided hes in love with and he doesnt want her to be mad at him, and then he just sits in an apartment and has sitcom shenanigans for the next couple volumes. except for when he randomly decides to stage a jailbreak for a different lady who he met once and whose only interaction with him was shooting him in the hand. and then he goes back to playing chess with his roommate. he meets his own soulless body and his first instinct is to try and chop it into little pieces and assumes anyone else would do the same thing. said body later kills both of them on accident and after that hes never mentioned again. like theres just a comic relief serial killer for a while, who doesnt actually kill anyone after being told not to but is constantly bringing up how much he loves to chop people to death with a big knife, and everyone is like "classic barry" and then he dies and the narrative goes "well alright time to move on from that". hes scared of other souls in suits of armor despite being one himself. he has cat ears. jerma likes him"

Full description of Roommate:

"OK OK OK SO LIKE. HE'S FROM THIS MASHUP TOURNAMENT HOSTED ON SOUNDCLOUD & DISCORD CALLED "DIARY OF A TOURNEY KID, RIGHT? YES, IT IS BASED OFF OF DIARY OF A WIMPY KID IN NAME, THEMING, AND A BUNCH OF THE CHARACTERS IN IT. AND YES, THE ENTIRE PREMISE WAS STARTED BY GREG HEFFLEY TRAPPING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN THE DIARY. LOOK. OKAY. THAT ISN'T THE POINT HERE. (including a few real people but. roommate isn't one of those real people, LOL)

so Roommate is, like, a WEIRD case. he's a clone of a TV personality version of a real guy(adam conover specifically the whole thing he does in, like, adam ruins everything), but is SPECIFICALLY STATED TO BE A SEPERATE CHARACTER IN LORE. LIKE. HES A WHOLE OTHER GUY. HE DOESNT EVEN ACT LIKE HIM. HES LIKE. THE SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN EQUIVALENT OF A MAN. all he does is run around and "Debunk" shit but hes getting it all totally WRONG. It's like, if someone who never watched adam ruins everything before took one look at its name, the blonde, glasses wearing combover having guy on the cover, and went. "oh, this guy is gonna be HORRIBLE, isnt he". and in the shows case thatd be wrong but in roommate's case, he's...he's so pathetic. he's not even the same guy at this point. (and also literally isn't. but)

He never even manages to intimidate anyone even once. not even mr beast and ninja fortnite, (part of a team called Dubious Duo) who he just. VERY much annoyed via "ruining" twitch. He also got turned into a meaty handpuppet and fused to another clone of a different character by BILL CIPHER, of all characters but then immediately fell into a hole. He got his shit beaten out of him by a 19 year old punk catboy JUST before this, too. the punk catboys name is Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart BUT HE IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO THE REAL GUY. HES LITERALLY JUST. SOME RANDOM TEENAGER.

Also, extra fun facts about him include: during an event that happened on the discord, he canonically went ":3". He made his own ytp and posted it on the soundcloud account, too. he put a bunch of goofy wacky cartoon sounds in it. (his mashups use these sounds a lot outside of the ytp, too.) (incase you REALLY wanted to hear the ytp, though. here it is: https://soundcloud.com/doatk/ytpmv-02?in=doatk/sets/bonus )

P.S: extra information from a friend because they like to infodump this sort of thing & this isn't nescessary at all. but: He gets the fandom nickname of "Roommate" from his connection to Collegehumor & the Insane Clown Posse song In My Room, which he used in the tournament & is strongly associated with. He's so. He's so normal.

(P.S, P.S: THE IMAGE I SENT WITH THIS IS TECHNICALLY ART OF HIM FROM A CROSSOVER WITH ANOTHER SOUNDCLOUD TOURNAMENT THAT HAPPENED. BUT. its the best render i have that isnt done in like. ms paint LOL. IN SAID CROSSOVER (WITH A TOURNAMENT CALLED "THE PERFECT TOURNAMENT") HE ALSO FOUGHT WALTER WHITE AND HIS. EVIL SHADOW SELF, CALLED WALTER BLACK. WHO WAS LITERALLY HIS SHADOW.)

also: nobody in the fandom knows what his deal is, either. they literally just couldnt catch the real adam conover at first so they (In canon) just went "well! time to make a clone, i guess!" and then he came out WRONG."

#barry the chopper #fullmetal alchemist #roommate #diary of a tourney kid #wacky quarter finals

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munamania · 1 month

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ok and now i need to talk this out on here cause like in all reality idc that much but this is just a little. awk. i might do this under the cut just so i can talk in a bunch of little paragraphs if thats chill ok ty

sooooo right ive mentioned that sam has been talking abt having beef specifically w his roommates but also that friend group at large bc they went on spring break trips w/o him. The roommate took a duo trip with fellow dyke and everyone else did like a big thing together erm

right thats just the context idrc except for the amount of times sams vaguely alluded to it and idk any other details. um but he has called his roommates like the 'poison pills' of the whole ordeal since they literally live together (but they havent been that close. prob since their freshman year when sam was out for a semester. which isnt inherently er bad but hes acting like hes been victimized for the last few years)

and like last night after this long sesh of working on our assignment sam and i r walking to the bus stop and he says something about finding out just like shitty awful drama and how it sucks having to live with 'two of those people' lmao sorry im not laughing im just like. whatever

this said i have plans to see. should i name sams roommate. ok i cant do that rn but we have plans to hang on monday and i would be seeing sam like immediately after for class. and esp if we're hanging out on campus like we might have a repeat of last time where sam spots us out and im not sure if he'd approach and hang this time. but hes obviously aware that me and them like chat

so it's like not so subtle that hes trying to get me to either ask abt the roommate or flat out not trust/see them anymore and i just havent engaged which might come across as "fake" but like. well ill be honest man theyre all a year younger than me and that doesnt mean much but it does feel very immature to handle things this way idk the whole story but im not gonna get roped into the like Omg i cant talk to this person bc of beef idk about...

and maybe i should feel worse abt not being #loyal to someone who is or at least at one point was considered a friend esp when it comes to someone that yeah ig he does know better than i but i dont... sorry ive been talking abt this bitch like cady and regina george except im not psychosexually obsessed im just like. hes been more insufferable than i remember lately yk.

i feel the Tiniest bit bad and like oh have i taken advantage of u bc yk we've hung and smoked and had dinner together often at ur place and def wormed my way into talking to the roommate via u etc but then i remember the way sam talks abt like anything and i dont feel all that bad

and theres this whole thing abt the eclipse i dont have plans to go see it it might happen last second but now after sams asked me abt it and messaged me like yeah idk we (him and his bestie) could maybe take a bus but we'd need a place to stay (asking to stay w my family bc i mentioned it like once on my close friends) and then theyre like going to a diff city anyway like oh my gooooood it's gonna be seen as shady and i dont really CARE i just need assurance that this is stupid as hell and its ok if im a little bit of an asshole about it. i dont think being mad abt the eclipse would hold up but w/e

has not been at the top of my worries and still isnt but now that this is all coming up in the next week im like frank g*llagher voice (sorry) oh Jesus Christ. you know

#abby talks

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asafeplaceforus112 · 5 months

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awwweeee nooooooooooo

I'm gonna be so sad when I found out about James sucking, like I just, "I'm sorry if I ruin your favourite youtuber" you don't understand, I'm so worried.

This is my reaction, because I need somewhere to vent it,

overall, go check out Hbombergay, its so good, regardless of if you don't want to get to the James Somerton part.

youtube

I typed this bit after but I wanted to put it here rather than at the end where noone could see it:

Ummmm overall I don't know, I'm just really sad, I really respected Somerton, I thought he was someone like Contrapoints or Shanspeare or Philosphy tube and he wasn't

I'm sad about it, I also just hope he's okay? Thats weird but regardless of the shitty thing hes done he's human, and I'd like it if he could be okay overall, obviously now would be a tough time, but I just don't want to see him gone because of this

People are bad but I also know the power of people who sometimes go too far and end up cruel so you know? I just hope everything ends up okay

Reaction bit

Oh lord,

oH my god, I was a patreon supporter, thats how much I liked James, I just looked, holy shit he's deleted the patreon holy shit

ooooo Tinker bell and evil queens look like an interesting book, i will be reading that later

oh nooooooo

)): I'm so sad

"Wow you're ditching ship quick" (wrong phasing but you know)

ughhh because gut feeling and I can see the evidence.

I lost a close friend who was a gay man like James Somerton, I specifically lost this friend because he was a gay man that would do whatever it took to get a leg up, it didn't matter if it was against his ethics, as long as he got closer to his career goal he didn't care. For example, wokring under a politician that believed in conversion therapy specifically the use of medical castration. So yeah, lost that friend, went "omg a gay man thats not a boot licker" aaaannndddd

attached to a gay men that uses other people's work to get up in his career

-deep sigh- Goddamn

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH he did it twice??? UUUGUUGGHGHGHHGHGHH

I have so much more of a respect for plagerism stuff in university, like I know but I also have come to a realisation that some of my uni work can be considered as plagerism, if I'm running late with stuff, I find stuff I like, I reword, find another thing, reword, and then make a frankenstein (I do always reference and intext reference and say who said what but after learning this stuff, yeah thats not good enough

NOOOOO not society and queer horror )))): It was one of my favourite vi

god its word for word ))):

Holy shit it never connected in my brain how misogynistic he was

xDDD

"it wAS THEM'LL"

holy shit thats funny

.... How can batman be too woke???

no fucking way

not are they gay )):

A. that pheonix Wright sprite looks amazing

B. HOLY SHIT DD: HE LITERALLY HAD IT ON THE PHOTO HOW

OH SHIT MY ICON SHANSPEAR WAS MENTIONED HELL YEAH

"tHATS RIGHT SHE'S REAL YOU DONT KNOW ME" thats so fun xDDD

urinating tree???

"Too dark for a plagirism" BOI PLAGERISM IS DARK

"MIST" PANTHEON MIST??? -Brain rot activated-

Good video, sad vibes ):

#hbomberguy #contreversy #plagerism #james somerton #Youtube

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simonstamenovic · 1 year

Text

UMM com update incoming! idr how much of this I shared god bless + not a lot happened that isnt rly specific bc we had downtime

i was away from the group while they went to a food truck bc someone that worked there is missing

they got told the missing person (mia) was a bad cook but everyone loved her food anyway bc it made them feel good (rift confirmed there) and that she was contacted by an ex cop/current PI, luis navarro (sp?)

I ended up at rice assets, got told to make an appt and killed time for tink to explore by going in circles abt my schedule. then said I wanted to invest in the area (bc the person who is the Big Bad of this section was talking abt that) got laughed at and ultimately had to wait til work was done

(flash forward) texting Seth abt how I found who we r looking for and tink is scared of her + she makes me feel weird too (looking at her increased my clingy status effect by 1 number, or 2 pips)

got told I almost texted "I miss you" but erased it before (my choice) saying "please come here" (I very very rarely say please)

(flash forward, after food truck but before texting Seth)

rest of the group goes to where luis last was, run into his wife, find a gun w silver bullets + a silver knife. told abt "faerie ring park" as a lead

they found a drawing of [INSERT BAD RIFT HERE] and seth used prev gatekeeper knowledge re: what is weak to silver

they text info to calvin (as this is just meant to be reconnaissance) and he tells everyone to come back immediately

Seth argues in my favor, saying he's glad he didn't pledge anything to Calvin bc I Very Rarely directly ask for things/mention my feelinfs

i sic my shadow on eva rice (scary woman) and text Seth that I'll concede and go back to Calvin but will not be waiting long

DOWNTIME MOVES

the others r not my business. Seth goes to work and Calvin can tell it unsettles me, puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me he will be back soon. it is nothing but humiliating that everyone else can tell how weird I'm being

text Seth 2 meet me in neverland after he's done w work, in the meantime I try and get ppls shadows to tell me their secrets

Seth texts me that we need to talk about something (ooc I know what exactly he's referring to, IC it's a miscommunication)

i meet Seth at his island filled w giant sweets and such, start rambling like "I'm really sorry I've been acting so strangely that place is weird and you just. make me feel really really weird and I dont like it or understand it I oh sorry here's your jacket back"

Seth says that what he wanted to talk about was me "trying to stab" yan (didn't intend to stab him. he grabbed me and I flailed around w my knife til he let me go).

he said that I should apologize. "do you consider yan a friend? i think you do." (cue grimace) and I was like. i guess. if I have to.

Seth asks what I was talking about before "what?" (playing dumb) "what?" (knows I suck at being vulnerable) "I... forgot." (lying so bad) but he accepts it bc he is sweet and won't push

i make some colorful silver bullets + a silver laced chain

mc suggests me n Seth sleep in neverland

we all meet calvin next day give him info, roxie gives us various silver things he was able to make in one day, Roxie sees my bullets and pats me very hard on the back

i awkwardly apologize to yan, I'm more focused on the knife thing while to him the serious thing is that I put myself in danger. i tell him Ive never really had friends before and to me none of this seemed like a huge deal (the last part is not in those words. much less blatant re: not knowing what's normal. i did say that I've never had a friend that isn't tink tho)

I'm not sure he accepts my apology but he does give me a hug because he knows how hard it is for me.

we head 2 faerie ring park because eva rice is busy at work and we will not be able to confront her until later. the park is abandoned and "smells of decay" there was a man in a raincoat who disappeared? no. jumped into a hole. end session.

#THIS GOT LONG NVM IT EAS DETAILED #comnopt #outgoing transmission

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getris · 5 months

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I've heard some people use tumblr as a way of venting or letting things out, i guess those are the same thing and i figured ill give this a try.

This will mostly be me venting to myself about things to do with my life starting with my grandad, and id like to stay anonymous so i wont mention his name.

But on may 28th 2023 i lost my grandad, so about 6 months ago now, ive delt with mental health issues for the majority of my life, idk if thats due to a cocktail of family issues, medication my mother was taking when she was pregnant with me or if theres just something not quite right in my head.

Ive delt with major trust issues, self confidence and self image issues, physical and emotional abuse from both parents and emotional abuse and manipulation from an ex partner but never in my life has anything come quite as close to the level of mind twisting torment that grief has provided; i loved my grandad dearly, out of every member of my dysfunctional family he has consistently been the only safe space, i have never once seen him get angry, swear or even raise his voice unless he was letting out one of his typical hearty chuckles and i think i can safely say that no matter what anyone said he couldnt get angry or judge.

That doesnt mean he is incapable of being firm, he was a fair man and if you did something truly stupid or disappointing he would give you this specific look, one that is still filled with love and compassion but sadness and disappointment and he might throw in a softly spoken "dont do that" (but a little rugged from years of cigars and whiskey during his time in the army), even then his tone was reassuring and it never made you feel challenged but it always got through, i could be screaming at my mother, bright red faced and body full of adrenaline but the moment i caught that look and heard that tone it would all wash away and id feel nothing but regret for what ever was said or done, thats when you know someone is a good person, when they dont need to shout at you, push you or say harsh things, and a simple few calm words immediately diffuse the entire situation.

So naturally me and everyone else in my family were close to him, i have so many fond memories of him, like the time he had this golf cart (he loved golf) and my brother turned it on by accident and sent the thing shooting off down the street as my grandad desperately sprinted after it, or the times he would adamantly try to fix or build things on his own since hes an ex army mechanic and knew better, only to sheepishly realise hes made a mistake and go back to the instructions, he took me to a fishing tournament once and i honestly didnt care at all about the tournament but it was a lovely chance to spend one on one time with him as adults, he even bought me a cider and a beer for himself and that was the first and only chance i got to drink with him, that tournament was even broadcast on TV once so id love to go back and try to find it to see if i can spot me and my grandad in the crowd somewhere.

Theres so much more to the relationship between me and my grandad and im sure ill remember some of it and come back to write more another time, but you can imagine why it felt like my world was shook, i was at a friends house when i first got a call from my brother, he said something along the lines of my grandad had fell over and they took him to hospital, found out that it was potentially cancer but there was no certainty, i cried immediately after that call because to me my grandad was this big, unshakeable ex military man and ive seen him hurt a million times and be unbothered, so to hear that he had collapsed immediately sent waves through my body and i knew something wasnt right.

i spent another few days at my friends house and went home, at that time i was grossly behind with university work (due to mental health issues), and i had finals coming up so i had to force myself back into work, nothing but university and train times and study sessions on my mind because i had to pass, i had to... so i went to my friends house, we study better together and have similar mindsets, so it works out really well when we study and bounce ideas back and forth between each other to get the assignments done, i remember finishing a particularly gruelling study session with her one night when my brother messaged me saying he needs to tell me something but its better if i hear it in person, but i intended to stay at my friends until these assignments and exams were over so i pushed him to message me the update and thats where the regrets started.

My brother told me that my grandad was very sick, it was confirmed to be cancer and the moment i read that i felt physically sick, but my brother reassured me that my grandad was told he had a few years to live, so immediately i wasnt too hurt and i was hell bent that as soon as these exams are over im going to go visit him and once hes out of hospital ill make memories with him, drink with him if possible, anything he wanted.

But thats not how it went, i kept studying and handing in assignments and all i had left was one more exam and thats it im free for the summer and i can go see grandad, but just a day or so before the exam my brother messaged me again saying my grandads health had declined rapidly, he was told months, and then weeks left, so of course i panicked, but i had to do this exam and it was only one more day so surely everythings going to be fine and i can still go see him in the hospital and have a laugh and chat with him.

Exam day comes and i cant get it out of my mind by this point, my family told me they are visiting him that day and asked if i could come but because of visiting hours and my exam hours, i couldnt go but again i told myself "he has weeks left, i can bare one more day and visit him the moment my family goes again", so i went to university, went into that exam room and the entire time i couldnt focus, my university was in the same town that my grandad was in care, so all that was on my mind for that entire two hours was "hes only 30 minutes away, what if he passes while im in here", but the exam time passed painfully slowly but it passed regardless, after the exam i was insanely exhausted and depressed, i hung around with my friend after the exam for an hour or so and then took the train home, turns out timing is a bitch because the moment i got home my parents asked if i was still at uni because they could pick me up on their way to the hospital but i had just got home, the next train would be an hour from then so theres no way i could have visited.

Two days later i was at my mothers birthday when she informed me that my grandad didnt in fact have weeks, he had days left at most and they were going to see him the next day and theres no way im missing anymore chances, so the day comes that we get to go see him, but again something really did not feel right, we got in the car and only a few minutes after picking up my grandmother my aunt (who was at the hospital) said to come quick because he was choking on his own tongue at that point and they expect him to be gone any minute.

Thats the beginning of the heartbreak, seeing my own grandmother in the car talking out loud "just wait (his name) just wait a bit longer please", she was a lot like him, always innocent, always smiling and there she was begging to herself in the car crying, hoping he can just hold on a bit longer for her to be at his side.

We get to the hospital, i watched my nan walk as fast as she could, in pain to get to that room, the moment i walked in it felt like my entire world had ended in that instant, he was no longer my grandad, seeing him in that state felt like my heart had just been ripped out through my chest; he was pale, hairless, almost no muscle left on his body, his skin was a different colour, you could see his heart beating through his chest because his rib cage had twisted and changed shape, he had his eyes and mouth half open and all you could hear was struggled breaths, occasionally interrupted by a weak cough or the sound of him choking on his own tongue, his spine had broken in multiple areas from coughing, thats how frail his body had become.

It was painful, he was clearly suffering and i went through whirlwinds of anger, sadness, anger, sadness... Sad and heart broken seeing such a strong pillar of my world laying there struggling to even exist, and anger that he was allowed to stay in this state, nurses coming in to inject him or feed him medication that would only serve to keep him in this state for a little bit longer, i felt like he was being tortured in the most inhumane way for hours, he couldnt see or hear or speak by that point, just breathe and exist in pain.

Thats when family started talking, gossiping about his state and things he had done during his stay which further broke my heart, remember earlier when i said he had never sworn, never raised his voice and was effectively this gentle giant? Well i overheard my aunt, mother and grandmother talking about how he had been in such pain that he had started threatening the nurses, swearing at and insulting everyone within eyesight, begging both nurses and family to either kill him or take him somewhere where he could do it on his own terms, just typing that out brings a painful lump to my throat because to change such a gentle, loving man into that state must have meant either he was already suffering immensely, or he knew exactly bad it was going to get, it was shock after shock, emotional whiplash.

I stayed in that room for as long as i could which turned out to be 5 hours and 24 minutes, i couldnt bare a moment longer before i stood next to his bed and said my goodbyes, seeing a person you care so deeply about in such a state of suffering, staying in that room for those 5 hours had physically exhausted me, its not that i was just tired of being in the hospital, but i dont think i could have processed another second of that day without rest, so the second i got to my house i passed out in my bed, two hours later my phone was ringing and it was my brother, grandad was gone.

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namuneulbo · 10 months

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week eighty-six

i was so busy on sunday so i couldnt post in time. sorry!! ill write and post this now at 1 am on monday. it was a good sunday though, cute person at the till but i got so flustered i forgot to look at their last name when i ided them so i just know his first name and middle name loool. went to the bar after work w c, l and s. we then went for food and ate in the school cafeteria. a cute security guard came after a while and asking for us to show our keys to prove we could be there lol.

ive been listening to loooots of saosin. im so in love w their stuff. so the sotw is obvious hehe.

okay now ill go through the week in order lol.

monday i dont really remember. just work.

i had a shorter shift on tuesday, only four hours! afterwards i met up w e and e and we walked around town and then had some food and then went to some shops. it was fun and time went by so fast.

on wednesday i thought id have to rawdog the music quiz and just go alone and hope id find someone ik there to play w BUT c came home just in time so she joined me along w d, e and s. s left before the results and d and e left right after the results. we did HORRIBLY!!! we came like,, 9th ??? out of 14 probably?

s joined us afterwards and m also joined in after a bit. i thought it was a lot of fun but apparently ive now gotten the news that s is... a bit weird. idk, i always thought my friends were kind of,,, making him seem worse than he is but ig im starting to understand what they find so odd ab him and back on wednesday i still enjoyed his company. after talking for a while, m left to go to another table and c and i were left w s. h joined us at one point and omg i was so excited ab it, i think hes so cool and cute and sweet and i kind of fangirled internally. like truly its not like a crush or anything, hes just so sweet and funny so i was so excited to talk to him. THEN..... D JOINED??? idk if ive talked ab him too much on here but basically hes just this bassist dude whos so fucking cool to me and ive never spoken to him and before this i hadnt even sat at the same table as him or stood within the same circle as him. ig this experience was quite humbling though lol i think i made him up to be more talkative and louder than he actually is. nothing bad ab that i just realized ive probably made him way cooler in my mind than he is irl. hes just human lol. hes still cool to me though but i need to mention that its funny that c had literally said to me like “girl, ur hyping him up way too much. hes just a man.” and now i was indeed proved right. he is just a guy lol. its kind of become an inside joke by now though and i like that ive created that correlation to him now so itll always be in the back of esp c and ls minds. i did fangirl a lot when he sat down at our table out of nowhere though and it was so funny bc c kept giving me a look.

d left quite quickly to go to talk to others and after a while me, c, h and ss convo turned into a film bro convo bc apparently all three of them r film bros and i havent seen like,, any movies so they started listing movies from every era and of every genre that i had to watch and it was so funny. after they had been listing stuff for a good 15 minutes they finally said dead poets society and i could finally be like “IVE SEEN THAT ONE”. i then watched interstellar the next day... no reason why i specifically watched that one...

after watching interstellar on thursday, i got so inspired to go learn cornfield chase on piano so i ran to school at 12 am but obviously it was closed. i knew it would be but sometimes the gates might still be open or something so there r loopholes but yeah, not this time. i checked every door lol. i still havent gone to practice it. i practiced a little bit at home on the keyboard but it sounds so bad and its so hard to play, mainly ergonomically.

friday! played sims all day and then went for a drink w t. we then went for a walk and then got some food to end the evening. i love them sm <3

saturday was work again but it was a five hour shift that went by pretty fast and it was such a weird shift lol. theres this guy that comes in every now and then and weve always had this little tension between us, like a pretty obvious romantic tension. i remember all the times hes been at the till while i was working. one time he was also just in the store while i was fixing some shelves, i think i was specifically organizing cat food? anyways, first time, i actually cant remember fully if it was him but im pretty sure?? idk, like i said, i get flustered when i see pretty ppl so i just remember a BIG tension and his hand shaking a bit when holding his card to the card reader. second time he bought cigarettes and i ided him and TURNS OUT ITS A GUY I WENT TO ELEMENTARY W LOLLLL. hes two years older than me and all i remember of him is that he used to show me gore on the computer at the after school thingy we were at. honestly shaped me a lot as a child probably. i wonder if he remembers me from that as well. anyways. he bought food some other time too and i remember just really feeling the tension still. like its sm fun??? like how u can feel that we both find each other so attractive yet no one says anything apart from just smiling and doing like a specific type of eye contact and just like idk... speaking in a certain tone ig??? its sm fun. hes so hotttttt. anyways on saturday he came in twice, once w his friend (who i also know and hes not a great guy sooooooo) and that time his friend was just buying cigarettes but he stayed away for some reason and like fully turned his back to me lol idk what that was ab but then after an hour or so he came in alone to buy some quick meal and the tension was back. i think he mightve genuinely just avoided me the first time bc he didnt want his friend to know??? or am i being totally delusional rn?

later that shift d shows up. THE d. we were both as surpised lol i just looked up from my phone when i heard someone start piling up stuff on the conveyor belt and then i meet eyes w him and his eyes widen just as much as mine and hes like “hi!” and im like “hi!”. we dont say anything else but it was just so funny and i keep smiling lol. hes so iconic to me. maybe a little hot too but like mostly iconic. i think. he is QUITE hot though... like to be fucking fair....

THEN omg. this was so fucking funny and i laughed ab it for the rest of my shift. this guy came in to buy alcohol and he was young so he showed id before i even got to asking him for it and his name is literally the same as w, my crush. FIRST AND LAST NAME WERE THE SAME??? what a fucking coincidence??????? it was so funny and i had to keep myself from bursting out in laughter in front of him it was so fucking weird. i didnt think w had THAT common of a name. like yeah first name sure, one of the more common ones for his age but like first and last name??? woah.

anyways, thats a fucking wrap.

sotw: saosin - racing toward a red light

#diary #tumblr diary #namuneulbo

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munsonsduchess · 1 year

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It is me ☕ I know you said you would respond to the OTHER message on Thursday, which is great but I uh. Just had a flashback. A MOMENT.

Cause see, when me and Cole made out. I forgot about one tiny detail. Until I read a fic tonight and my brain unlocked a specific memory. A specific moment. I am full on cringing but also blushing..I want to run into a wall (thank God we dont have each others numbers). If I have mentioned it in a previous message then I forgot cause I blocked it from my memory aha

So uh. Key here is I was absolutely drunk, and he was definitely tipsy. It was a party of course we were drinking. And he was so sweet. Anyways, we were alone and obv making out. And I was kneeling and he had stood back up and he pushed some hair out of my face and just left his hand kind of cupping my face. And I was like oh I am absolutely going to suck this man off (which I didnt because he refused to let me because I was drunk and technically couldn't consent (which side note this is the third guy I've heard of doing this to a few of my friends , so props to those men and my guy cause thats a real man right there)). Anyways he refused and im kneeling right AND I SAID "OK WELL IM GONNA LAY DOWN NOW" AND STRAIGHT UP JUST WENT TO FACE PLANT INTO THE GROUND. Like i full on was kneeling and, did not lower myself gently, i just faceplanted and mumbled "im ok". He laughed and pulled me off the ground as he somehow maneuvered himself to the ground, I really have 0 clue cause I was laying prone and not looking at him.

Next thing I know he had pulled me off the ground and flipped me like a pancake, and had pulled me against him. He was sitting against the wall and I was laying on him with my back to his chest. I looked at him and made some comment about he was strong and he just laughed and denied it. UH HELLO?? HE JUST PICKED MY DUMBASS UP AND FLIPPED ME LIKE AN OMELETTE IN A SAUTEE PAN?? Anyways I laid against him and he told me to rest. Which I did not do we just talked about random shit, and by we i mean I rambled and do not remember half of it which is terrifying, but he did talk some. But the entire time he pet my hair and held me.

I dont remember everything I said, I could have been spilling deep dark secrets(which I have like 1 only, which isn't a secret cause some people know) or I could have been talking about work (ew) or some specific interest. He probably remembers the whole thing.

Which makes our awkward encounter not encounter at the not party from the last message more awkward in my mind. But also, we still had chemistry which is amazing cause I have had some bad or weird experiences with people and after the chemistry is GONE

Anyways I had to tell someone about my MORTIFYING ORDEAL I blocked from my memory and wish I could reblock it thanks

The drunk mind does incredible things.

If I counted the amount of cringe encounters I’ve had while drunk I would run out of fingers.

Good for him for not letting you do anything when you’re drunk. I know the bar is literally on the floor but some guys still manage to stumble so.

My desire to be manhandled has been significantly amplified by this confession. Man just flipped you like a subway sign and then says he’s not that strong. Lord have mercy.

I mean he seems like a nice enough guy all things considered so even if you were spilling deep dark secrets I don’t think he’d tell anyone. I also don’t think he’d tell anybody about your face plant moment so it’s all good there.

We like Cole. Cole seems like a nice guy.

#☕️ anon #duchess answers questions 💌#❝ I’m not that strong ❞ ok sure

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purplelurkinghini · 2 years

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Dear purplelurkinghini,

I'm still high on the batman movie, or.. well,, the riddler in particular. I cant stop thinking about him, like, for real. Every day i wake up and check the riddler tag on this site, and idk what to do when i see not many new posts. I try to look for fics on ao3, but a lot of them are just... not my taste. As you might know, i have very specific tastes in fics, so its been really hard for me to find the ones i like. What do i do???????? I went on youtube but there's not a lot of new interview with the cast?? Im like, why isnt there??? I need content of the riddler. If people wont make them the way i like it, then should i just do it myself???? But like,,, i dont really have the time to do something like that. Maybe i do???? I mean--- Well actually, i finished a drawing of him the other day. Should i start writing fics of him too??? Arghhh but im not good at writing!!! Idk what to do now fhdjskhfskj

Love,

G.B. Anon

Dear G.B. Anon,

I, too, am still coming down from the high of having watched the film a little over a week ago. While my chest stopped aching like some highschool girl's would with their first love, sightings of bootleg recordings and low-res screenshots continue to fill my brain with the happy chemical.

Since you mentioned being inspired by the movie (drawing fanart, yes?), I say you make Edward your muse and write what you want to read. Yeah, as someone currently struggling with writer's block, I can only write when I get slapped in the face by my muse and only for as long as the sting lasts. Yeah, I do know it's easier said than done.

Even so, I still recommend writing.

Below the cut, I've continued the snipped you inspired (yes, you were my muse for a few minutes there). It isn't much, and I hope you know I don't mean to squick you (now that's a word I haven't seen used in forever), though I will say it is more of the power play you said you enjoy.

CW: light bondage

With your mouth taped shut, and your wrists bound together and cradling your bound feet, you had no choice but to even out your breathing. You had no choice but to be quiet like the good boy the Riddler had sucking on his rubber-gloved fingers before throwing into the back his own car.

You did, however, have a choice in being a witness to the crime since, of course, he hadn't used his roll of gaffer tape on your eyes. And so you saw that pig Pete Savage be syringed and strangled until he squealed like sow and passed out.

Oh, but the body he slacked against, even with his slimmer frame, was not without strengh. Even as he struggled to shove Savage into the back of his own backseat, he moved like a man high on his triumph, taking his time to taste that sweet, sweet victory. He cracked his neck, moving it from side to side, and rolled back his shoulders. Then, he wheezed, whiffing the air. He breathed in the blood he was about to spill so loudly, you heard him from inside your car.

The echo of it snuck its way into your ears and poured out of your nose through a wheeze of your own. It was surreal, hearing him, seeing him, witnessing him just beyond your window. It was unreal hearing him in the air around you instead of through your speakers. The Riddler might as well have been another streamer with a gimmick if he weren't right there. If he weren't moving towards you, tall and proud and predatory.

"Daddy's all done," he sighed, satisfied, as soon as he swung open the door. "How's my baby doing?"

After watching the ball you were curled up in because of his quick and stinging bondage work, after watching you whimper before him, and wiggle closer to him, he giggled. He looked down at you with the flickering neon light catching in his glasses and making them glow, and he giggled.

"I wasn't long, was I?" He reached for your face and pulled the tape off with no concern for the pain. "You can still make it home by midnight." He wiped the wetness from your lips, suppressing another laugh behind his mask as your mouth opened for him. "You've been so good for me," he said in a sing-song voice. "Good boy."

Then, pulling away his hand along with the tape, he took his time tracing your wrists and anchles, but didn't pull at the bonds. Instead, he inhaled as you tried your best not to exhale and let out a whimper. You tried your best to be good.

"I can't set you free," his voice dipped as he detached himself from you completely leaving you cold and curled up in the same ball. "You have to do it yourself," he pulled out a switchblade and snickered, and the sound of it did make you whimper. "I know you watch my streams, so you couldn't have missed the fan-favorite top escape tips."

After placing it between your bound plams, he pulled himself away from you and out of the car. And before leaving you to cut yourself five times before tearing the tape, he ducked his head in, tilted it and parted with you with one last word of praise: "Be a good boy and don't make me smear your DNA all over that pig." Spreading out his gloved fingers and the saliva still stuck to them, he waved before slamming the door shut: "Goodbye."

#Riddler #Edward Nashton #Riddler x Reader #Edward Nashton x Reader #Ask #Anonymous

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shkspr · 3 years

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hi. on your post where you may or may not have ended on 'moffat is either your angel or your devil' did you have maybe an elaboration on that somewhere that i could possibly hear about. i'm very much a capaldi era stan and i've never tried to defend the matt smith era even though it had delightful moments sometimes so i wonder where that puts me. i'd love to hear your perspective on moffat as a person with your political perspective. -nicole

hi ok sorry i took so long to respond to this but i dont think you know how LOADED this question is for me but i am so happy to elaborate on that for you. first a few grains of salt to flavor your understanding of the whole situation: a. im unfairly biased against moffat bc im a davies stan and a tennant stan; b. i still very much enjoy and appreciate moffat era who for many reasons; and c. i hate moffat on a personal level far more than i could ever hate his work.

the thing is that its all always gonna be a bit mixed up bc i have to say a bunch of seemingly contradictory things in a row. for instance, a few moffat episodes are some of my absolute favorites of the rtd era, AND the show went way downhill when moffat took over, AND the really good episodes he wrote during the rtd era contained the seeds of his destruction.

like i made that post about the empty child/the doctor dances and it holds true for blink and thats about it bc the girl in the fireplace and silence in the library/forest of the dead are good but not nearly on the same level, and despite the fact that i like them at least nominally, they are also great examples of everything i hate about moffat and how he approached dw as a whole.

basically. doctor who is about people. there are many things about moffats tenure as showrunner that i think are a step up from rtd era who! actual gay people, for one! but i think that can likely be attributed mostly to an evolving Society as opposed to something inherent to him and his work, seeing as rtd is literally gay, and the existence of queer characters in moffats work doesnt mean the existence of good queer characters (ill give him bill but thats it!)

i have a few Primary Grievances with moffat and how he ran dw. all of them are things that got better with capaldi, but didnt go away. they are as follows:

moffat projects his own god complex onto the doctor

rtd era who had a doctor with a god complex. you cant ever be the doctor and not have a god complex. the problem with moffats era specifically is that the god complex was constant and unrepentant and was seen as a fundamental personality trait of the doctor rather than a demon he has to fight. he has the Momence where you feel bad for him, the Momence where he shows his humility or whatever and youre reminded that he doesnt want to be the lonely god, but those are just. moments. in a story where the doctor thinks hes the main character. rtd era doctor was aware that he wasnt the main character. he had to be an authority sometimes and he had to be the loner and he had to be sad about it, but he ultimately understood that he was expendable in a narrative sense.

this is how you get lines like “were the thin fat gay married anglican marines, why would we need names as well?” from the same show that gave you the gut punch moment at the end of midnight when they realize that nobody asked the hostess for her name. and on the one hand, thats a small sticking point, but on the other hand, its just one small example of the simple disregard that moffat has for humanity.

incidentally, this is a huge part of why sherlock sucked so bad: moffats main characters are special bc theyre so much bigger and better than all the normal people, and thats his downfall as a showrunner. he thinks that his audience wants fucking sheldon cooper when what they want is people.

like, ok. think of how many fantastic rtd era eps are based in the scenario “what if the doctor wasnt there? what if he was just out of commission for a bit?” and how those eps are the heart of the show!! bc theyre about people being people!! the thing is that all of the rtd era companions would have died for the doctor but he understood and the story understood that it wasnt about him.

this is like. nine sending rose home to save her life and sacrifice his own vs clara literally metaphysically entwining her existence w the doctor. ten also sending rose with her family to save her life vs river being raised from infancy to be obsessed w the doctor and then falling in love w him. martha leaving bc she values herself enough to make that decision vs amy being treated like a piece of meat.

and this is simultaneously a great callback to when i said that moffats episodes during the rtd era sometimes had the same problems as his show running (bc girl in the fireplace reeks of this), and a great segue into the next grievance.

moffat hates women

he hates women so fucking much. g-d, does steven moffat ever hate women. holy shit, he hates women. especially normal human women who prioritize their normal human lives on an equal or higher level than the doctor. moffat hated rose bc she wasnt special by his standards. the empty child/the doctor dances is the nicest he ever treated her, and she really didnt do much in those eps beyond a fuck ton of flirting.

girl in the fireplace is another shining example of this. youve got rose (who once again has another man to keep her busy, bc moffat doesnt think shes good enough for the doctor) sidelined for no reason only to be saved by the doctor at the last second or whatever. and then youve got reinette, who is pretty and powerful and special!

its just. moffat thinks that the doctor is as shallow and selfish as he is. thats why he thinks the doctor would stay in one place with reinette and not with rose. bc moffat is shallow and sees himself in the doctor and doesnt think he should have to settle for someone boring and normal.

not to mention rose met the doctor as an adult and chose to stay with him whereas reinette is. hm. introduced to the doctor as a child and grows up obsessed with him.

does that sound familiar? it should! bc it is also true of amy and river. and all of them are treated as viable romantic pairings. bc the only women who deserve the doctor are the ones whose entire existence revolves around him. which includes clara as well.

genuinely i think that at least on some level, not even necessarily consciously, that bill was a lesbian in part bc capaldi was too old to appeal to mainstream shippers. like twelve/clara is still a thing but not as universally appealing as eleven/clara but i am just spitballing. but i think they weighed the pros and cons of appealing to the woke crowd over the het shippers and found that gay companion was more profitable. anyway the point is to segue into the next point, which is that moffat hates permanent consequences.

moffat hates permanent consequences

steven moffat does not know how to kill a character. honestly it feels like hes doing it on purpose after a certain point, like he knows he has this habit and hes trying to riff on it to meme his own shit, but it doesnt work. it isnt funny and it isnt harmless, its bad writing.

the end of the doctor dances is so poignant and so meaningful and so fucking good bc its just this once! everybody lives, just this once! and then he does p much the same thing in forest of the dead - this one i could forgive, bc i do think that preserving those peoples consciousnesses did something for the doctor as a character, it wasnt completely meaningless. but everything after that kinda was.

rory died so many times its like. get a hobby lol. amy died at least once iirc but it was all a dream or something. clara died and was erased from the doctors memory. river was in prison and also died. bill? died. all of them sugarcoated or undone or ignored by the narrative to the point of having effectively no impact on the story. the point of a major character death is that its supposed to have a point. and you could argue that a piece of art could be making a point with a pointless death, ie. to put perspective on it and remind you that bad shit just happens, but with moffat the underlying message is always “i can do whatever i want, nothing is permanent or has lasting impact ever.”

basically, with moffat, tragedy exists to be undone. and this was a really brilliant, really wonderful thing in the doctor dances specifically bc it was the doctor clearly having seen his fair share of tragedy that couldnt be helped, now looking on his One Win with pride and delight bc he doesnt get wins like this! and then moffat proceeded to give him the same win over and over and over and over. nobody is ever dead. nobody is ever unable to be saved. and if they are, really truly dead and/or gone, then thats okay bc moffat has decided that [insert mitigating factor here]*

*the mitigating factor is usually some sort of computerized database of souls.

i can hear the moffat stans falling over themselves to remind me that amy and rory definitely died, and they did - after a long and happy life together, they died of old age. i dont consider that a character death any more than any other character choosing to permanently leave the tardis.

and its not just character deaths either, its like, everything. the destruction of gallifrey? never mind lol! character development? scrapped! the same episode four times? lets give it a fifth try and hope nobody notices. bc he doesnt know how to not make the doctor either an omnipotent savior or a self-pitying failure.

it is in nature of doctor who, i believe, for the doctor to win most of the time. like, it wouldnt be a very good show if he didnt win most of the time. but it also wouldnt be a very good show if he won all of the time. my point is that moffats doctor wins too often, and when he doesnt win, it feels empty and hollow rather than genuinely humbling, and you know hes not gonna grow from it pretty much at all.

so like. again, i like all of doctor who i enjoy all of it very much. i just think that steven moffat is a bad show runner and a decent writer at times. and it is frustrating. and im not here to convince or convert anyone im just living my truth. thank you for listening.

#sorry if this is repetitive or makes no sense or if i got some details of the show wrong #i simply couldnt be bothered to put too much effort into this post #lest it become a research paper and take me several weeks to answer #anyway thats all my opinions #dw #ok to rb

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technowoah · 3 years

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Can you do a Karl x fem!reader where Karl keeps giving her gifts(flowers, armor etc) and reader is just really oblivious? Ty

I thought I was being obvious

THANKS FOR THE REQUEST! I HOPE YOU LIKE IT. I made it romantic if you didn't mind.

C!Karl Jacobs x fem!reader

⚠︎ fluff, mentions of weapons, im switching between 3rd person and 1st person but its all the same person (the reader)

It simply started with a chest full of flowers at her door step. When she opened the small chest every flower that she could imagine was inside, it was like someone picked every single one of those flowers from a huge field.

She had to try and bring those flowers back into the house so she decided in a moment of bliss to pick up the flowers from the box, instead of lifting the chest all together. Her arms were engulfed with tons of flowers tickling her nose while unkown to her a note was left on the grass beside the chest that held the flowers she is currently taking inside her house.

Dear my love,

I hope you enjoyed the flowers and I hope that you will accept this as an offer as a date, for us to be together for a small amount of time so that I can confess my feelings for you, but for now I hope that you can notice my advances. I would love to go on a date with you soon!

Love, Karl ♡︎

1st person

The next day was like no other day with you going out to either mine, or help and hang out with friends close by. She had ran into Tommy earlier and walked around with him while letting him talk and yell her ears off until they both ended up separating both having other people to attend to. Tommy went with Ranboo, which was unusual, while she went to Karl who was wandering around his house.

"Karl!" You said while waving the man in the colorblock hoodie.

"Oh hey y/n! Whats up?" Karl waved as you made your way back over to Karl where he was standing in the grass.

"I just had a walk with Tommy until he went with Ranboo for some reason, but I wanted to talk to you-"

"Really?!" Karl's eyes widened until he regained his composure.

"Yeah I wanted to check up on you! Like we always do." Your voice was weary not knowing what Karl's intentions were at this moment.

He looked disappointed in some way and you didnt know why. It was sad and confusing not to know why he was feeling this way and the only thing you could do was ask.

"Karl are you okay? What's wrong you know you can talk to me about anything!" You put your hand on his shoulder in a reassuring way.

His gaze was focused on the ground until he turned his head toward the hand the was laying on his shoulder.

"Im fine! Im all good its okay." Karl sent a smile towards your way trying to keep up his spirits up.

"Alright. I'll believe you. So what do you want to do?" You asked still weary if the situation.

"There's this field of flowers we could hang out in."

The next time it was a sword sheath with an enchanted netherite sword that glowed in the darkness that she revealed it it. Her mouth dropped while she put the sharp sword back into its sheath to protect her from getting cut.

She couldn't believe who would send this to her, but the gifts kept coming and she was no where close to knowing who it would be. There was a small note attached to the end of the sheath and she had picked it up and read the note that hung on a small string.

Dear Y/N,

I had made this from the leftover netherite in storage, I enchanted it and named it Toska, I love the meaning of that word and I hope one day I can tell the meaning to you. Thank you for always putting me friat in your mine and I hope you see me doing the same.

Love, Karl ♡︎

She finally she knew who was kind enough to send these gifts to her. She had placed the sword somewhere safe, so she could use it for combat, or even just keep the sword as a memorabilia from a friend. The sad thing was that she couldn't tell Karl's romantic advancments to her.

The next time this happened Karl had sent her an enchanted bow and arrow and netherite boots. She couldn't belive he remember that her original netherite boots broke. He had sent another note that went the same as the others, sending his love without blatantly saying that he loves her. He wanted to wait till they were face to face to say it, but at this point he thinks that they will stay just friends.

He could tell because if the gestures he would see from her, there was no revelation that he loved her for a while. She somehow didn't notice his advances and that made him want to give more until she finally noticed.

1st person

"Karl! Thanks for the sword It's beautiful." You said as you saw Karl walking on the Prime Path doing who knows what.

"Oh of course! Did you see the note with it?" He asked you with hopeful eyes.

"I did! It was really sweet. What does Toska mean?"

"Oh yeah! It means a longing for a specific something, somone." Karl said.

"That's adorable!" You said while Karl waited for something else.

"That's it?" Karl asked kind of annoyed.

Your eyes frurrowed, "What do you mean?"

Karl shifted while the two of you still stood in the middle of the Prime Path, his gaze was glued to the ground.

"Karl please tell me what's going on! You've been acting like this everytime we are standing together. Please this is bothering me!" You pleaded for your friend to talk to you.

He looked up with another one of his smiles, again, he looked disappointed behind those gleaming eyes.

"I thought I was being obvious, but its okay! Lets do something, let's go see what Big Q is doing." Karl rushed through his words as he grabbed your hand leading you through the prime path, trying to get his mind off of anything, but how good the feeling of your hand felt in his.

The next couple days you woke up to multiple peices if jewelry each day with small notes.

The first day after the bow and arrow was a necklace with a blue diamond with a note.

I LOVE YOU

-KJ

The day after that was a gold bracelet that you had feel in love with and ended up wearing everyday with another note attached.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

-KJ

You hadn't seem Karl after that one day when he dragged you around the whole smp kingdom, and you were getting worried with all the gifts that he was working for. The fact that he spends time to find diamonds, enchant netherite, and find jewelry makes you worry for his sanity. Him spending this much time on you when you want it to be equal playing fields. You didn't want to feel like a queen, you just wanted to be loved.

You drew the line when in another chest there was a totem of undying.

Y/N I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I WANTED TO SAY THIS TO YOUR FACE, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE ITS NOT CLICKING SOMEHOW. I REALLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY THIS. I will love you till your last breath, if you happen to use the totem of undying, well it speaks for itself.

-KJ

You had rushed over to Karl's house where he was sat on his stairs looking out into the distance and the sky. He looked ao pretty with the wind in his hair and his colorful hoodie he was wearing.

You had stomped over to him with the totem of undying glowing in your hand.

"KARL!" You had raised the totem in his face and he was taken aback because you had raised a glowing piece of gold too close to his face.

You continued your rant, "Karl I like gifts, but this is drawing the line! A totem of undying?! This is way too much. You could've told me you loved me straight up front without the gifts! I would've accepted, whatever you were going to do! I love you too and you know that! I love you as a friend and as lover, I would love to be your girlfriend." You calmed down as Karl's eyes progressively started to return to their normal size instead of widened.

Karl started to chuckle with a small smile on his face.

"I thought I was being obvious!" Karl laughed and you lightly chuckled as well.

You brought him onto his feet and brung him into a hug in which he reciprocated. You both stayed there for a while until he pulled back and gave you a small, shy peck on your lips juts testing the waters. You had done the same giving him a small peck in return, both of you widely smiling at eachother.

"Y/N will you be my girlfriend?" Karl asked.

"Yes I will, only if you take the totem back."

"Deal!"

Authors Note//

After imagine thoughts: this was shorter than I thought- also have yall noticed I love Karl's eyes. Hope you liked it! 💜

Btw I didn't proofread, i usually dont, cause I wrote this during school hours..

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fruitcoops · 3 years

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hiii i've just spent the last 36-48 hours reading your works and oh dear do i lOVE your writing and this universe :') . i dont know if you are taking requests but i think it would be kinda interesting (and low key hilarious) if you would write the lions reacting/reading thirst tweets? idk if this is a dumb idea or not but just like some of them reacting to them and going "well i'm actually gay/married so.. no!.. but thank you!"

Part two of the six-month celebration, everyone! Thank you thank you THANK YOU to everyone who submitted comments--I had over 60 come in, and while I couldn’t include them all, reading them was a true joy. The Lion Pride channel was something I started writing on a whim; I never expected it to grow like this <3 Much love to all of you!

TW for alcohol mentions and thirst tweets (nothing explicit)

“Why do I always fear for my life around you?” Sirius asked as Marlene settled into a cushy chair to the side of their table.

She smiled, catlike, and crossed her legs primly. “Because only Finn appreciates me.”

“That’s just the Aries connection, Cap,” Finn said with a smug grin.

“We’re both Leos, Harzy.”

“Eh, close enough.”

Remus raised an eyebrow at her. “You should probably start asking questions before this devolves further, Marley. He’s gonna keep digging himself a hole and we won’t get anything done.”

Marlene’s smile returned with a vengeance. “That’s where you’re wrong, Loops! We’re not doing any questions at all today.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Read it and weep.” She tossed a small posterboard at him like a frisbee; he caught it, barely, though both Talker and Sirius had to duck out of the way. Marlene faced the camera and winked. “Welcome back to Lion Pride, everyone! Today I’m here with Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, James Potter, Thomas Walker, and our wonderful cubs to react to your comments on our videos!”

“Bet you thought we’d never see ‘em, huh?” James asked.

“The comments fall into four categories: thirsty, funny, mean, and sweet. I will be reading two of those groups, and my lovely fiancée will be reading the others because she is the human embodiment of sunshine.”

“If you make Dorcas read the mean ones, I’ll be sad,” Leo laughed.

Marlene gave him a look of disbelief. “You think I’m passing up a chance to roast you guys? Puh-lease. We’re starting off strong with some thirsty, thirsty comments! Loops, you’re up first.”

“This is going to be fun,” Sirius said, leaning back in his chair.

She cleared her throat, then turned a smoldering look on their table. “I didn’t know I had a freckle kink, but then Remus Lupin appeared and now here we are.”

“Oh, shit,” Remus muttered, covering his face with his hands as the others howled with laughter.

“Lupin has been looking sexy as hell on the bench for years now. I'm so glad people are simping over him like he deserves,” Marlene read. “And there’s a little heart emoji, just for you.”

“This is every one of my nightmares come to life,” Remus said, though his voice was muffled by his forearms.

James lifted his glasses to swipe away the tears of mirth that had gathered in his eyes. “Are you kidding? This is everything I have ever wanted.”

“Y’know, it is so good to see people drooling over this hot piece of ass at last,” Finn sighed, reaching over to ruffle Remus’ hair as his face turned bright red.

“One more, and it’s a good one,” Marlene warned. She licked her lips, then had to take a moment to laugh before speaking. “I feel like Remus Lupin is the type of guy to bake you muffins—”

“Accurate,” Leo said.

“—but is also a kinky motherfucker.”

Remus’ mouth dropped open as the table erupted into cheering. Logan pumped both fists in the air and Sirius was laughing so hard no sound came out; Talker sank so low in his chair that only his head and shoulders were visible as he applauded.

“Why do people comment these things?” Remus asked, barely above a whisper. “Holy fuck, I’m engaged!”

“Speaking of…” Marlene raised her eyebrows and Sirius smile drooped.

“Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes. Buckle up, Cap!” She rolled her shoulders out. “Get someone who looks at you the way Sirius Black looks at a hockey puck.”

Remus snorted; James’ laugh was so short and sharp that it set everyone else off as well. “That sounds like I have a hockey puck fetish!” Sirius complained. “Which is so, so not true!”

Finn made an ‘ehh’ noise, and he leaned around Remus to smack the back of his head. “Hey!”

“Next one!” Marlene announced. “Sirius Black was my bi awakening.”

A beat of silence passed. “Is that it?” Sirius ventured, looking nervous.

“Yep.”

“Aw, man, that one’s lame,” Talker said, shaking his head. “Everyone thinks Cap is a little hot.”

Remus shot him a look. “A little?”

“Fair. Marley, I dare you to find one person who wouldn’t tap that.”

She rolled her eyes. “Me, though that dovetails nicely into the last one for our lovely captain. Ahem. I understand why Remus is with Sirius: he's hot as hell and rich, I'd hit that too.”

“Oh, fuck, you’re right,” Leo gasped. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Finn and Logan turned to him in unison with a mix of disbelief and offense written all over their faces. “Dude.”

“First of all, Leo, you found yourself two hot rich boys,” Remus interrupted. “Second, that comment is forgetting that he’s funny, and smart, and nice, and—”

Seconds after the initial cover, Sirius took his hand off Remus’ mouth as if he’d been burned. “Did you just lick me?”

“Moving on! This is in all caps, so be prepared.” Marlene shuffled through her posterboards and turned to Leo with an ominous smile. He glanced toward the camera in mild fear. “What does a person have to do to get some hockey player ass?! Like why is Leo Knut so fine?!”

“Amen!” Logan called as Leo blushed.

“According to six of the seven people at this table, the answer to that first question is to be a hockey player,” Talker laughed. “The world may never know the answer to the second, sadly.”

“Lily could play hockey,” James said, resting his chin on his hand. Every single one of the others rolled their eyes. “She could! She’d be so good at it, too.”

“We know,” Finn groaned. “You only mention it every other day.”

“Speaking of the lovely Mrs. Potter,” Marlene began with a sly look as she held up a new card. “Do James and Lily Potter need a third? Asking for me specifically.”

James paused, dumbstruck, while the others drummed their hands on the table. “…no?”

A general sigh of disappointment went up. “I was really hoping he’d say yes,” Leo said.

“Ask Lily next time,” Remus recommended.

James turned to him and blinked slowly. “What are you insinuating, Loops?”

“Oh, nothing.”

“Don’t worry, James, you’ll like this one,” Marlene assured him. “James Potter is the ultimate dilf.”

“You’re damn right I am!” James whooped. “Vindication, bitches!”

“Marley, what have you done?” Talker whispered. “He’ll never shut up about that, now.”

“Oh, never,” James all but cackled. “I’m officially a dilf, you guys!”

“I hate you,” Sirius groaned.

“Tremzy, are you ready? We’ve got a couple very special ones for you,” Marlene said.

“Anything to get us out of this hell,” Logan begged.

“In that case: Logan Tremblay’s ass is better than Sidney Crosby’s. I said what I said.”

A pleased flush rose to his cheeks as Finn and Leo high-fived over his head. “Really? Thank you!”

“And they would be correct!” Finn announced. “Best ass in the league.”

“Come on,” Remus scoffed, though he was smiling.

Marlene cleared her throat to get their attention. “I don’t think I can legally read this on air without being censored or getting the video taken down, but…”

She turned the board around; all seven of them leaned forward to read it, then slowly looked at Logan, who turned vivid red. “Mon dieu. Is that—someone commented that on a video? Like, for people to see?”

“I feel like I need to bleach my eyes,” Sirius said just as Finn began shaking with silent laughter.

Leo’s face fell. “You wrote that, didn’t you?”

“I did,” Finn wheezed, scooting forward to fist-bump Marlene. “We wanted to see what you guys would say. Fuckin’ hell, your faces.”

“Alright, Talkie, are you ready?” Marlene asked around her laughter. “Seeing Thomas Walker with a baby makes me want to have his babies…please hit me up.”

He held up his index finger and took a second to laugh before responding. “If that’s Noelle, yes. If that’s anyone else, I’m flattered, but absolutely not.”

Logan made a face. “Ew.”

“We have two more,” Marlene warned. “For some very special people that aren’t here today, but I think you’ll like them anyway.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “I don’t trust the look on your face.”

“Daddy Dumo makes me swoon.”

A muddle of horrified noises echoed through the studio as all seven of them cringed. “Oh, my god, that’s my dad!” Logan yelped, covering his ears. Sirius looked vaguely ill and Remus’ shoulders crept toward his ears; James shuddered.

“The worst part is, we all know he can get it,” Finn said with a grimace. “God, I feel like I just heard someone talking about my parents having sex.”

“I’m sure he’ll love to hear that,” Marlene laughed. “Last one, from one of our truth or drinks.”

Remus went pale half a second too late. “N—”

“Hope Lupin is a milf.”

A broken noise escaped his mouth and he clamped his hand over it while Talker rubbed his back in sympathy. Sirius shook his head. “Somehow, that’s worse than Dumo’s.”

“Whoever sent that in, show some respect!” Leo said indignantly as Remus bonked his forehead against the table. “Hope Lupin is a lovely woman!”

“I think they noticed that particular fact,” Marlene pointed out, earning herself several scandalized shouts of her name and a whine from Remus. “That’s all we have for thirst comments! Are you ready for some funny ones?”

“Anything,” Remus pleaded. “I am begging you, anything else.”

Marlene shook her head as she stood, still smiling, and kissed Dorcas on the cheek when she entered the frame. “Go for it, love.”

“Dorcas!” they all cheered, lighting up immediately.

“Hey, guys, it’s been a while!” She curled up in Marlene’s vacant spot and took her own posterboards out from underneath the seat. “Alright, let’s rock and roll. Pascal Dumais is the team dad and nothing will change my mind, and Tremzy is the annoying youngest child.”

“That is so accurate,” Sirius laughed, leaning just out of range of Logan’s playful punch. “Whoever commented that has no idea how right they are.”

“We’ve got a whole sibling dynamic thing going on,” Talker agreed. “Tremzy’s the baby of the family, Cap is the quietly chaotic middle child, and Pots is the older brother that starts shit and inevitably gets blamed for however out-of-control it gets.”

Dorcas nodded. “You are one hundred percent correct. In a similar vein: Pots was the dad jokes friend before he was even a dad.”

“Painfully so,” Leo confirmed, shaking his head as they all groaned in agreement. James looked rather smug about the whole thing. “So many puns.”

“Oh, you’ll like this one,” Dorcas mused as she drew a new card. “If Tremzy looked directly into my eyes for even two seconds, all of my problems would be solved. I am sure of it.”

“Yes,” Finn and Leo said in unison.

“It’s something about the eyes, I think,” James added. “They just stand out so much that it’s a little startling straight-on.”

Logan looked to the camera and stared at it, unblinking; it zoomed in slightly on his face. “Everything will be fine,” he said with mock solemnity. “Your problems are solved.”

“Well, that was terrifying,” Sirius said drily. “Got any more for us, Ms. Meadowes?”

“Of course I do! We’ve got quite a few for Loops and Leo.” She took a sip of her water before getting comfortable again. “My favorite thing about these videos is that we can all see Loops get steadily buffer as the season goes on. Good for you, king!”

“Flex! Flex! Flex!” the six of them chanted; Remus rolled his eyes, but slid his sweater sleeve to his elbow and flexed his forearm, resulting in enough hoots and hollers that they could probably be heard a block away. Talker fake-swooned into Leo’s arms and Remus lightly whacked him on the shoulder.

“Remus Lupin looks like he has squishable cheeks,” Dorcas read aloud.

“He does!” James cooed, scooting over and reaching out.

Remus narrowed his eyes. “I swear to god I’ll bite you.”

Sirius cupped his face between his palms and kissed his nose, then pinched both his cheeks gently. “Ta-da!”

“How many of these do we have?” Remus asked, though his voice was a bit muffled by Sirius’ hands.

“Just one more for you, and it’s my personal favorite.” Dorcas assured him. “I love how the team probably had no impulse control until Loops joined.”

Sirius let go of his face and dissolved into laughter as Finn nearly fell on the floor. “Oh my—you think he has impulse control?” Talker slapped the edge of the table as he shook his head. “Absolutely not. Hell no, Loops is the first person to do stupid shit with us.”

“Yeah, I just don’t get caught,” Remus added around his own laughter. “Everyone thinks I’m such a hardass goody-two-shoes and it lets me get away with so much more than you delinquents.”

“Speaking of delinquents,” Dorcas continued. “This one is from our ‘Taste Testing Sexy Alcohol’ video: ah, yes, now I know how to do a body shot. 10/10, very educational video.”

“Do not take educational advice from us,” Finn blurted instantly. “I know this is a joke, but please exercise caution. That video was a ton of fun but a nightmare to recover from.”

Sirius winced at the memory. “I took two naps and then wished for death for a full day.”

“On a lighter note, who’s ready for some Knutty appreciation?” Dorcas smiled at her cards. “I've only had Leo Knut for a season and half, but if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.”

“Big mood,” four of them said simultaneously.

Leo turned to the camera with a concerned look on his face. “That’s a meme reference, but are y’all okay?”

“No,” Dorcas answered. “Especially not this next person: Sometimes I do something productive and then I remember @LeoKnut is a 19 year old professional athlete who radiates happiness and with two of the hottest boyfriends the good lord has made, and then my bowl of packaged ramen seems less impressive.”

“I’m proud of your ramen,” Leo said, even as the corners of his mouth twitched in a smile. “And I appreciate the note about my boyfriends, because they are definitely the hottest people the good lord has made.”

Talker stuck his lip out in a pout. “Rude.”

“Sorry, Talkie, I’m biased.”

“Last one before Marlene comes back, so you’d better enjoy it!” Dorcas announced. “Did the Lions effectively utilize girl power when they wrecked toxic masculinity, yes or yes?”

“Can we utilize girl power?” Remus wondered, resting his shin on his hand. “Isn’t that exclusively for, y’know, women?”

“We can utilize himbo power,” Finn suggested.

James gave him an offended look. “Not all of us are himbos!”

“Okay, but you definitely are.”

“I am not!” James held up his fingers to count. “There are only, like, three qualifications, right? I might be strong, hot, and respectful, but I’m not dumb so it doesn’t count!”

“Pots,” Remus said quietly, hiding his smile for half a second. “Buddy, that was four things.”

James paused, then sighed in resignation. “Ah, fuck, I’m a himbo.”

“You really are.”

“At least we don’t promote toxic masculinity.”

They raised their waterbottles in a ‘cheers’ motion as Marlene and Dorcas switched spots; Marlene stretched her arms over her head and grabbed the new boards. “I’m back, beloved himbos. Talker, Leo, you are beloved by the people and have no mean comments. Cap, we’re starting with you.”

“Are they actually mean mean?” he asked.

“Sirius Black seems like a little bitch. Not in a bad way, necessarily. He just. Seems like he'd be a little bitch."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Oh, okay. That answers one question.”

“He’s not a little bitch,” Leo said. “Pouty on occasion, but not a little bitch.”

Remus gave him a long look, then shook his head. “Yeah, I mean, you teared up a little when Hattie got a splinter in her paw but didn’t even yell when you almost sliced your finger off while making dinner.”

“Duality of man,” Finn said sagely.

Marlene cocked an eyebrow. “Finn O’Hara’s hair kind of reminds me of Garfield the Cat.”

“Alright, that’s just rude.”

“It does not!” Logan gasped at the same time Leo made a noise of agreement.

Finn turned to him in utter betrayal. “Nutter Butter, I thought you liked my hair!”

“I do!” Leo defended. “But they’re not entirely wrong. It’s very orange in the sun.”

“I’m never going to forget that,” Finn muttered, staring at the floor.

“Ugh, it bothers me so much that Lupin just objectifies Black all the time!” Marlene read in a high-pitched, nasal voice. “No respect in that relationship!”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Pardon?”

Marlene stared at it for a moment, then shrugged. “Yeah, I have no idea what videos they were watching. Do you feel objectified in your relationship, Cap? I know the opinion of total strangers really bothers you a lot.”

“I’m really glad you picked up on that,” he said with false gravity. “Yeah, it’s such a bummer when my hot fiancé says I look nice. Such a blow to my self-esteem.”

“That was supposed to be a roast against me,” Remus said, looking amused. “Talk about backfiring.”

“Are you ready, Pots? This one’s pretty brutal,” Marlene warned. James nodded and Finn linked their hands for moral support. “James Potter is a swiftie and you cannot tell me otherwise.”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “…yeah? That’s true? T Swift is a regular occurrence on the locker room playlist.”

“Also, James Potter looks like someone who would think black pepper was spicy.”

“Now that one is mean,” he complained as the others burst out laughing. “It’s not my fault I have sensitive taste buds!”

“Oh, honey,” she said under her breath as she took a new card. “Get ready, Tremzy. This first one is short and sweet: Logan Tremblay looks like a lesbian.”

“That is not an insult,” Logan laughed. “Every lesbian I know is rad as fuck. I wish I looked that good in a leather jacket.”

“I just realized Logan doesn’t look short cause he’s next to bunch of hockey players, he’s short cause he’s 5’9.”

The smile slipped off his face in a millisecond as the others roared with laughter. “Quoi?”

“Oh, she got you good,” Sirius gasped, patting his shoulder clumsily. “Holy fuck, can I frame that?”

“That’s not what it says.” An edge of distress appeared in Logan’s voice. “Marley, that’s not what it says.”

James sat on the floor with the heels of his palms pressed against his eyes. “You’re fucking—whoever sent that in, you are my new favorite person. Jesus.”

“Do you need a second to recover before we move on?” Dorcas asked as she draped her arms over the back of Marlene’s chair. “The next one is our biggest section by far.”

“It’s the sweet ones, yeah?” Leo asked.

“Right.”

“It might be a good idea to do those before Lo spontaneously combusts.”

“Agreed!” She swapped with Marlene and hauled a short stack of posterboards out from their hiding place with a smile. “A hug from Dumo can probably solve any issue.”

“Facts,” Logan said. “I could really use one right about now, too.”

“Has anyone noticed how blue Leo Knut’s eyes are?”

“Yes,” the six of them chorused.

Finn gave him a dreamy look. “Every single day.”

“When I first read this one, I thought I wrote it,” Dorcas said with a snort. “Someone give Marlene a raise. No reason why, I just love her.”

“Can we do that?” Sirius asked, looking toward the camera crew. “Can we lobby to give you guys raises? Because you definitely deserve it after all the bullshit you deal with to make these videos watchable, and Marlene, you’ve drawn the short end of the stick ninety percent of the time.”

“How?” she called off-screen.

“You have to actually talk to us and try to get answers.”

“Fair.”

Dorcas finished scribbling something down on her notepad. “Just making a note of this conversation for future reference. Moving on! Sirius Black and James Potter are a prime example of hockey husbands, and I adore them.”

“The ironic part of that is that we’re both in committed relationships, but we’re basically married,” James mused.

Remus shook his head. “You guys are so married. Lily wanted to get you matching rings for your birthday, Pots.”

“That would be so cool!” they said in perfect unison. Remus turned to the camera and spread his hands in a case in point motion.

Dorcas stifled her laughter before moving on. “This one is cute. Give Remus Lupin all the hugs! I feel like I could tell him he’s an inspiration and he’d be so nice about it—” She paused to glance up at them. “—this next bit is in parentheses: all the LGBT Lions give me that vibe, but Cap and Knutty are super intimidating so I wouldn’t have the guts.”

Leo’s face fell and Sirius’ eyebrows pitched. “I’m not intimidating!” Leo protested. “I thought we already went over that! Loops gives fantastic hugs, but I want some, too.”

“He definitely deserves all the hugs in the world, but I promise I’m nice,” Sirius said, a bit softer than usual. “Is it because we’re tall?”

Dorcas half-shrugged. “Probably. It’s a little startling at first. Oh, I could’ve written this one, too: The Venn diagram of men I trust and the Gryffindor Lions is a full circle.”

Talker beamed at the camera. “Thank you!”

“So many hockey guys are such douchebags,” Logan said with a shake of his head. “I’m really glad we don’t do that shit.”

“Me, too.” Dorcas slid her old card under her chair. “Sirius Black’s hair looks so soft and I just want to touch it so bad.”

“It is so soft,” Remus agreed immediately. “You have no idea.”

“Everyone wants to touch Cap’s hair,” Finn said, sighing. “It’s so majestic.”

“I need a haircut.”

“No, you don’t,” Remus said as he tugged a stray curl. Sirius hummed.

“This one is from the interview some you did with Jules and Katie: these hockey boys being so soft with kids is my aesthetic! Like, it’s just so adorable to see these big, intimidating dudes be so, so sweet! Love them all!” She turned the card for them to see. “And then they added a heart at the end.”

“It’s impossible to be around those kids and not be happy,” James said. “They’re just too cute and wonderful.”

“Yeah, I love kids.” Finn nodded. “Especially the Dumais and Jules. They’re a hoot.”

“Jules would die if he heard you say that,” Remus laughed. “The hero worship is still going strong with most of you.”

“This one made me laugh when I first read it, but it’s really sweet,” Dorcas informed them. “Anyone else feel like we were deceived these past five years into thinking Cap was this hard-ass man, when in reality he's a cuddle bug who definitely captures and releases spiders instead of squishing them?”

“You weren’t deceived, I was just closeted,” Sirius said. “Also, I absolutely squish spiders.”

Remus gave him a look. “No, you do not. That’s my job. I’m the catch and release person if I can get away with it.”

James shook his head. “The third week of practices you saw a spider and threw me at it.”

“You did what?” Finn asked.

“There was a spider in my stall,” Sirius sighed, looking as if he would rather be anywhere else. “And Pots and I were talking so I didn’t see it until I almost sat on it, and my brain decided the only logical thing to do would be to grab him and shove him toward the spider.”

“That was after you shrieked,” Talker added. “Like, literally shrieked. I’ve never heard anyone make a noise like that.”

“Alright, alright,” Sirius grumbled. “We get it, I don’t like spiders.”

Remus shrugged. “But you are a cuddle bug. They got that part right.”

“We’re in the final two!” Dorcas announced. “This one has some pictures to go with it, so it’s on my phone. Fuck Romeo and Juliet, I want what these bitches have.”

“It’s us!” Leo cooed as the phone made its way down the line. In the upper corner of the screen, the photo appeared—it had been taken in New York, and Logan’s whole face was alight with happiness as Leo and Finn each pressed a kiss to his cheek. The camera caught him mid-laugh, so his eyes were closed and his chin was tucked slightly into Finn’s Strand hoodie.

“That’s my screensaver,” Finn said with a grin, pulling his phone out and turning it toward the camera without moving away from Leo. “One of my favorites.”

“I forgot you took that one,” Logan murmured. He hooked his chin over Leo’s shoulder and kissed his cheek; the four others at the table gave soft are you seeing this? looks to the camera and Dorcas smiled.

“Pots, I think yours is next. I hate to break it to you, Talkie, but they didn’t get any of you and Noelle.”

“We don’t take a ton of pictures together,” Talker said as James took the phone. “I mean, we take a bunch of selfies, but we don’t live close enough to each other to actually post that often. What picture is it, J?”

James was staring down at the picture with an unbearably sweet expression. “It’s our wedding. That’s my favorite one, actually.”

Like Logan, they had been captured while laughing—Lily was bent slightly at the waist as James clapped, his glasses just as askew as the flower crown on her head. It was impossible to tell who had told the joke originally, but they were both radiant in the sunset.

“That’s a really good one,” Sirius said with an unreadable look on his face.

“Well, well, well, fancypants, you two got a video.” James wiggled his eyebrows and Remus leaned in to see.

“What kind of video? One of our tikt—oh. Oh, this is so cute.” He shifted his chair over as the short edit began to play. “D, who made this?”

“A fan.”

“It’s really impressive,” Sirius said without taking his eyes off the screen. The edit was a series of photos, both on and off the ice; Sirius knocking their helmets together, then Remus looking back over his shoulder, then both of them in the water playing chicken in the sun. It was a slideshow of their life and their love.

“Can you send that to me?” Remus asked when it was over. “Cause that’s super cool.”

“Sure thing. Are you guys ready for the last one?” When they all nodded, she drummed her fingers on the posterboard and cleared her throat. “Arthur appreciation hours. He deserves it after managing to control the team.”

A cheer went up—all seven stood and applauded, half-laughing and half-whooping. “Miracle worker!” Sirius called.

“Best coach in the league!” Finn added.

“Most tolerant man to ever walk the earth!” Remus raised his water in a toast and they tapped the plastic edges together, nearly spilling all over the table.

Dorcas’ eyes crinkled in a smile as she turned to the camera. “That’s it for today, Lions! Tune in next time for more content of our boys, and thank you for such wonderful comments!”

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