#and the thought of waking up at 06:30 tomorrow just to call my manager to say i wont be making it in
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It's been a while since I've felt this sick honestly 0/10 someone please come over and end me
#vent#please#everything hurts#and the thought of waking up at 06:30 tomorrow just to call my manager to say i wont be making it in#fuck my life
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imposter.
🌸🎮 chigasaki itaru
summary: rule #1 — never take off your helmet
dedication: shy anon 🧡 :)
warnings: angst, betrayal, death(s), gore, heartbreak, lying
author’s note: this is set in an among us universe :D please be mindful of the concept of the game as you progress forward in the writing! this is an overdue halloween–piece that will bring the chills even in november! (this is the first time i’ve written in first person... :O) ♡ to shy, i hope you especially like this!
word count: 2,550
music: hit and run – lolo, as the world caves in – matt maltese
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
October 31, 20XX ☆ 05:24
There is only one rule on the spaceship everyone follows: NEVER TAKE OFF YOUR HELMET.
Ever since the report of an alien specimen being on board, the entire crew has made it mandatory that we remain in uniform. I’ve slowly forgotten the faces of my crewmates, all I can see is the color of their astronaut suits. Every day is the same: waking up to do tasks, all whilst hoping not to die.
Luckily, we haven’t had to call an emergency meeting in months. Or, so I believe. Time passes differently in the middle of the solar system. How long has it been since I’ve talked to someone outside of maintaining the ship? Days, weeks, months, years? The threat of an invader walking among us has taken over our ship for the worst.
I have to do my tasks now.
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
November 1, 20XX ☆ 06:30
Today, a new crew member joined us! From what the captain told us, he goes by the name Taruchi. He wears an orange uniform and doesn’t seem to talk much, only really spends time on his government-assigned phone.
I’ve introduced myself to Taruchi at the mandatory staff meeting, but he didn’t seem to be too interested. He just nodded and went back to tapping away on his screen, playing something that looked like shooting asteroids.
To be honest, no one knows exactly why it took this long to replace White, who was tragically murdered by the Imposter not too long ago. I assume it’s because no one wants to work on a spaceship where the alien is still on board. Taruchi’s got guts, that’s for sure. Or, maybe…
Is it just me… or is Taruchi sus?
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
November 2, 20XX ☆ 15:43
Red died.
Right before the lights had to be fixed in Electrical, I noticed an orange suit out of the corner of my eye. Taruchi leaned against the wall in the Storage corridor, right beneath the blinking security camera. He was on his phone again, almost pulling it out of his pocket before stopping, looking up to meet my gaze.
I swear my heart stop. Even with both of our helmets on, I could feel the piercing stare of this unknown crew member. Taruchi straightened his posture, and I could feel how tall he truly was. He tilted his head, presumably looking me up and down before tapping a button on his phone. The last thing I felt was the unfamiliar buzz of notification against my belt strap before it went all dark for a few minutes.
Red’s body was reported by Purple in Electrical, a location Taruchi and I were just around the corner of. By the time everyone entered the Cafeteria to vote, Purple’s finger was pointed directly at me. It was the first time I’ve been accused of being the Imposter. Purple, a friend who I had known ever since we both joined this Skeld map together, thought I had murdered Red in cold blood.
Taruchi spoke up for the first time since he arrived. His voice was smooth with a tone of calmness that fit his casual stance around the ship. Taruchi jumped so easily into the conversation, I couldn’t help but stare in awe while he sat beside me.
“They were with me in Storage, they’re safe.” Taruchi vouched for me, turning the conversation to a dead end. We all ended up agreeing to skip the vote, even if it was against Purple’s will at the end. When we rushed to finish our tasks for the day, all I remember was Purple staring at me for a moment too long before heading in the direction of the Upper Engine.
It was just Taruchi and me in the Cafeteria with the emergency button going through its cooldown again. I nearly couldn’t believe it, I was suspected. I would have to be careful of where I was next time.
Taruchi turned towards me as if wanting to say something, before sighing and shaking his head. He moved to stand up and stopped by the entrance to Medbay, turning around while knocking his knuckles onto the wall once as if he already didn’t have my undivided attention.
“Be careful, okay? There’s an Imposter among us.” I swore I could see him wink before he disappeared. Taruchi’s words didn’t leave me for the rest of the day because I had realized something.
We haven’t had a death in so long, until Taruchi arrived.
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
November 5, 20XX ☆ 17:12
One crewmate had died today: Purple.
It was a hit and run in the Lower Engine. At the second body reporting of the day, Cyan claimed they were on cams duty in Security, but they didn’t see a thing. Purple was found in the Lower Engine in the lowest corridor to the left, making it an easy kill for the Imposter. Once I had found out the news, I was the immediate suspect.
If it wasn’t for Taruchi again, I would’ve been kicked out into space. I would’ve been the third death, but Taruchi had once again saved me.
Prior to Purple’s death, I was in the Reactor trying to start it. Taruchi walked into the room, nearly making me yell out of shock from how quiet he was. Taruchi raised his hands as if trying to prove he was innocent, helping me up from the ground with a small laugh.
“Hey, hey, hey. Calm down, you’re okay.” Taruchi reassured me, making sure I could stand on my own two (2) feet before letting me go. For some reason, even if every sign pointed to him being the Imposter, I believed him. I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, nodding as I managed to thank him. Taruchi just waved his and, signaling for me to not worry about it as he caught sight of the keypad in front of me.
“Oh? You got the ‘Start Reactor’ task, hm?” Taruchi said, moving in closer to see my progress. I hadn’t even started yet, and that became embarrassingly obvious once Taruchi let out another laugh.
“You haven’t started? How long have you worked here?” Taruchi joked, knocking his fist into my helmet lightly as if to tease me. I swatted back, trying not to show I was flustered beneath my mask. Though, sometimes it felt like Taruchi could see right through me despite only being here for four (4) days or so.
“I’ve always been awful at patterns.” I admitted quietly, looking away as Taruchi tried to hold in his laughter this time around. It took a moment for him to compose himself before Taruchi exaggerated a sigh, taking my position and pressing in the pattern quickly without even hesitating.
Right as it reached the fifth stage, Taruchi looked over his shoulder to hold his hand out. “You have to clean up the Halloween decorations around the ship with me or else I’ll leave you to this task alone.” Taruchi compromised, waiting for me to accept this dal as the timer began counting down.
“Taruchi, you’re kidding.” You paused, waiting for him to say he was joking but that moment never came. Cleaning around the Skeld was the worst job possible, even if it got me out of a day of tasks. Before the last second disappeared, I took his hand with a loud “Fine!” and his other hand entered the code without even looking at the same time. Gamer hands were impressive, to say the least.
“Good little astronaut.” Taruchi patted my helmet as I watched the taskbar go up on my phone. “I’ll see you tomorrow in the Cafeteria at 0800, then, little one.”
Before I could respond to the new nickname, both Taruchi and I’s phone screens lit up with the notification of Brown reporting Purple’s corpse.
Taruchi’s fingers tensed around his device as he looked at me solemnly. “I’ll defend you in Cafeteria, don’t worry about it.” Taruchi promised, leaving first as I regained my senses and followed after him.
Taruchi lived up to his word, even when Yellow brought up how Purple was dead after accusing me a few days ago.
“Purple’s dead after they targeted you? Seems sus to me.” Yellow scoffed, kicking their feet up onto the table and crossing their arms. Murmurs spread around the cafeteria table, my own crew mates beginning to further doubt my allegiance.
“They just did a task in Reactor. Can’t you see it in the taskbar?” Taruchi retorted back, holding up his own screen as evidence. The rest of the crew checked to confirm, and voiced their agreement.
“How did you know that, Orange?” Blue questioned out of nowhere, leaning forward to stare at Taruchi and me. I didn’t know what to say, should I admit I was with Taruchi or would that make both of us seem suspicious?
“Stalked them from the vents, of course.”
It went so silent I could hear the beeping from navigation. Everyone was looking at Taruchi at this point. The vent from Lower Engine did lead to Reactor… but, that made no sense. Taruchi had walked into the entrance, he didn’t vent up.
“Haha, just kidding.” Taruchi said after a moment too long, leading to everyone relaxing after an uncomfortable but relieved sigh. I didn’t know why I didn’t defend Taruchi immediately, except... I did. I just didn’t want to say it out loud. Even I wasn’t sure if Taruchi was another Impostor or not.
Two (2) imposters on one (1) ship… I shuddered at the thought.
Once again, we ended up skipping. I think the crew was afraid of what would happen if we lost another innocent. Everyone else left to mourn yet another death as Taurchi and I stayed behind again.
Taruchi couldn’t be Imposter. Not when I felt this safe with him. Taruchi was the one to stand up first again after he noticed I wasn’t saying anything. This time, he leaned over me instead.
“Your helmet isn’t put on right, it’s not adjusted correctly.” Taruchi reminded me, fixing it so we both could hear the latches hook onto the helmet. I wondered what his hands would feel like without those orange gloves, but, I nodded instead.
“Remember tomorrow, here, 8, got it?” When I nodded again, he laughed. It was a sound that made me feel relaxed even when the rest of the crew was on high alert.
“It’s a date, then.” Taruchi added on before strolling out towards his dorms, I assume. I just waved goodbye before freezing. Huh? What did that mean? Was it actually a date?
Even when my crew mates were facing the threat of death, I couldn’t help but get excited over seeing Taruchi tomorrow morning.
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
November 6, 20XX ☆ 12:07
Taruchi took off his helmet today.
He said to stop calling him that alias, his real name is Chigasaki Itaru. Itaru… I like that more than Taruchi.
His eyes are the same color as Pink’s uniform, with blonde hair that fell over his forehead after wearing his helmet all day. When Itaru saw me stare, he smiled and it only made my heart beat faster.
“Uh oh. Does someone have to go to MedBay to check their vitals?” Itaru joked, nudging me with his helmet. Itaru had broken rule #1 of the spaceship, he had taken off his helmet… for me.
“See? I told you I wasn’t Imposter. I could tell you were thinking that, but, I promise, I’m on your side.” Itaru didn’t ask me to take off my helmet. He just put his back on and we continued taking down the Halloween decorations.
Taruchi—no, Itaru, wasn’t an Imposter. I knew that for a fact.
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
November 15, 20XX ☆ 02:52
I really like Itaru. I want to play this game with him forever, but, I can’t.
YOUR LOG. STARDATE:
November 24, 20XX ☆ 23:11
Itaru and I were watching the stars as we patrolled Navigation for the night. As we slowly made our way through time and space itself, I could hear Itaru turn on automatic cruise control. I looked towards him as he yawned despite being the biggest night owl on the ship.
When Itaru took off his helmet and shook his head, fixing his hair in the process, he leaned back in his pilot seat with a lazy smile.
“Me, you, and the stars. What could be better than this?” Itaru sighed, as if at peace after leaving the tense atmosphere of the ship. Now that it was night, the suspicion was asleep as everyone took their appropriate night shifts.
Underneath the starlight, I couldn’t help but admire him yet again. Itaru was beautiful and I found myself subconsciously smiling at him like a fool. Itaru glanced at the sky before meeting my sight, seemingly lost in a daze for a second before swearing, taking his feet off the control panel.
“I can’t see you, but goddamn it, I want to kiss you so bad.” Itaeu put his head in his hands, his words muffled but clear enough to make my heart skip a beat. Before I could stop myself, I revealed what I’ve always wanted to say ever since I met Itaru.
“I trust you, Itaru. Kiss me.”
Itaru slowly lifted his head, silently asking if you were serious. I leaned in closer, pushing my chair towards him as if giving him permission. Itaru was in shock and disbelief, before breaking out into a wide smile as if this was the highlight of his night.
When he leaned in as well, his hands ghosted over the latches of my helmet warily, meeting my eyes again to confirm. I nodded, and right before Itaru took it off, he whispered his last confession.
“I love you.”
Black alien tentacles pushed past the opening in my helmet and wrapped around Itaru’s throat without any warning. The helmet clattered to the floor noisily as tens of intergalactic limbs spread out and searched for their next victim. It had been so long since I last killed that my extraterrestrial tentacles were deathly hungry, and Itaru was next.
Itaru was lifted into the air, his feet dangling as he desperately tried to grab the tentacles off him. I couldn’t help but smile even as I watched the light fade away from his eyes. My parasitic tentacles squeezed tighter and tighter around every square surface of his body. It wouldn’t be long before he exploded all over the entire Navigation room.
“Rule #1: Never take off your helmet, Itaru.”
I dropped his lifeless body onto the floor without a care in the world. Orange’s suit was stained with blood with what was left of him. I put my helmet back on, wiping the evidence away like I’ve done many times before.
I made sure to set off O2 malfunction on my phone before I hopped into the vent, quickly coming out of Shields before running with the rest of the group. When I managed to report Orange’s body, I watched his corpse float millions of light years away in the distance.
Itaru was not the Imposter.
I am, and I’m going to win, no matter who died.
#chigasaki itaru#itaru chigasaki#a3! act! addict! actors!#a3!#act! addict! actors!#a3! actor training game#a3! one shots#act! addict! actors! one shots#mankai a3!#mankai company#a3! x reader#a3 x reader#itaru x reader#a3! itaru#a3 itaru
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(Also sorry you are working on sads and feel blegh) maybe Rain is too "mundain" as far as prompts. 5? 7? 8? Any of those sound fun? 😂
5. Typed kisses.
7. Kisses after decades apart.
8. Kisses after dark.
Birdy, bc I love you, I’m going to try to do all of these haha.
(Shoutout to @adamarks for looking this over to make sure I wasn’t going insane.)
(1:35): Good morning!
(1:35): Snow, it’s 1 in the morning.
(1:36): Why are you messaging me?
(1:36): It’s 7:30 here.
(1:36): It’s still morning, though. So my original text stands.
(1:37): Good morning, Snow.
(1:37):😘 😘
(1:38): XO.
Day 2:
(10:03): Let me know how your appointment goes.
(10:03): XO.
(10:04): My what?
(10:04): Your check-up.
(11:05): You forgot about it, didn’t you?
(11:10): I’m here, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Baz.
(11:12): You’re an idiot, Snow.
(11:12): 😘 😘 love you.
(11:13): I love you too, XO.
Day 3:
(15:03): Do you think the milk is still good?
(15:04): When did it go bad?
(15:05): It says it went bad a few days ago.
(15:06): But the date says best by…
(15:06): So it just means it isn’t at its BEST right?
(15:07): How does it smell?
(15:07): Not good.
(15:08): Then don’t drink it.
(15:09): What if I just don’t know how milk is supposed to smell? How often do I really smell milk?
(15:10): Snow, just get more milk. I think we can spare the money it costs.
(15:10): But I’ve already started cooking.
(15:12): I’m just going to try anyway.
(15:12): It’ll be cooked anyway, right?
(15:13): I want it known I believe this to be a bad idea.
(15:14): You also said that subscribing to three different butter services was “unnecessary and excessive”
(15:15): I stand by that, Snow.
(15:15): How can one person eat that much butter each month?
(15:16): I can’t believe you would doubt my abilities like this.
(15:16): I thought we were in a loving and supportive relationship.
(15:17): I love you and support your health.
(15:17): Which means cutting back on butter sometimes, darling.
(15:20): I’m going to use the milk.
(15:22): I wish you the best.
(15:22): 😘 😘
(15:23): XO.
Day 5:
(7:40): How is your stomach?
(7:45): Better.
(7:45): I told you to buy new milk.
(7:47): I think there is a stomach bug going around.
(7:47): Probably that.
(7:49): Sure, Snow.
(7:49): That’s why you spent yesterday regurgitating the entire contents of your stomach.
(7:50): Yes, it is.
(7:52): Have a good day.
(7:52): I miss you.
(7:52): 😘 😘
(7:55): I miss you too.
(7:55): XO.
Day 8:
(20:46): The people above us are pounding it out again.
(20:47): Earplugs are in my bedside drawer.
(20:47): If you were here I’d just try to compete.
(20:48): You certainly would not.
(20:50): I bet we could beat them.
(20:52): Come on, Baz, I know you’ve got a competitive streak. Don’t let Richard and Shelly show us up.
(20:53): You’ve got two hands, Snow. I’m sure you could manage something.
(20:54): Oh? Good idea.
(20:54): Talk later.
(20:55): 😘 😘
(20:57): I regret so much about this conversation.
(20:57): XO.
Day 13:
(14:05): YOU COME BACK TOMORROW!
(14:07): Please stop yelling at me.
(14:07): But yes, I do.
(14:08): 😊 😊 😊
(14:09): I love you.
(14:14): I love you too.
(14:15): Can we facetime?
(14:15): In a couple of hours, Snow.
(14:15): I’ve got one more meeting.
(14:16): 😔
(14:16): Alright.
(14:17): XO.
(14:18): 😘 😘
Day 14
I get through security. It’s always a painful even, especially in America. Have to practically strip just to stand in a machine that tells everyone what I’ve already known.
No gun here the machine says with a green light and a beep.
As if I’d need one.
It’s been delayed several hours for a reason I’ve yet to figure out. The weather looks clear, planes are moving in and out. People on other flights are still departing on time.
The only reasonable explanation I’ve come up with is the airline is incompetent.
“Snow,” I say, putting a finger in my right ear, trying to ignore the man screaming at the poor help desk person. “I may not be back until tomorrow.”
I look at the clock. Even if we left now I wouldn’t get home until midnight.
“What? Why?” He asks. His voice sounds frantic.
I hate worrying him.
“This airline work flew me through is set upon ruining my life,” I growl under my breath.
The service representatives have been berated enough, they don’t need me coming after them as well. (Even if I want to.)
(Crowley do I want to.)
“Right now it doesn’t have us leaving for another two hours, so at earliest I won’t be home until 3 in the morning. With the trend of how this has been going, I won’t be surprised if it gets canceled altogether.”
He huffs.
“I miss you.”
It comes out as a whisper, any quieter, and I would have missed it.
It’s not that he’s ashamed of saying it. We’ve said it a lot over the past two weeks.
He’s sad. I am too. I was supposed to be home by dinner. We were going to order takeaway and watch a movie, kiss and makeup for lost time.
Ignore all responsibilities of the world around us for the evening.
“I miss you too.” I face the large windows, looking at planes that aren’t mine leaving the runway.
The blasted airport is under construction too. Everyone said to fly in and out of La Guardia because it is easier, but I’m wondering if I should have taken JFK.
“I’ll be home as soon as I can.”
“You better. Preferably before I drink more spoiled milk.”
“Stay away from all dairy products until I return,” I chuckle into the phone.
An announcement comes over the intercom.
“They’re announcing another delay, I’m sure,” I groan. “I’ll send you a text.”
“I love you,” he says from the other side.
“I love you too,” I respond, ending the call and slipping it into my pocket.
(14:36): I hope you get home soon.
(14:36): Threaten to suck their blood, or something.
(14:36): I’m sure that would work.
(14:36): 😘 😘.
(14:37): You’re an idiot, Snow.
(14:37): XO.
Day 15, 4:16
I turn my key in the door, trying to quietly walk into the flat. My suitcase softly rolls against the wood behind me as I pull it in, letting it sit next to the door.
Unpacking can happen after I get at least fourteen hours of sleep.
I place a brown paper sack of scones on the kitchen table.
I couldn’t resist. The shop next to us had just opened, and I knew it would make him smile.
I continue down the hallway, stopping only to take a piss.
In our room, still blanketed in darkness apart from the street lights coming from the road beside us, Simon softly snores.
He still sleeps on his side of the bed while I’m away. It makes my heart feel softer than I’d like to admit.
One hand rests next to his head, his wings spread out across the bed.
I change clothes, relieving myself of all the feelings of travel before softly lifting a wing to get under the blanket and allow him to cover me again.
I don’t have long to process the fact that I’m with him again before I feel something wrap around my calf.
I pause for a moment before I remember.
The tail.
He is, for all I can tell, still asleep. Meaning it’s recognized I’m here and is saying hello in its own way.
I rub it softly with my other foot.
It dislikes not getting attention, you see.
Simon’s mouth is open as he breathes deeply. I think his pillow is a little wet.
I’d call it disgusting (it is, truly), but I missed him so much that I can’t help but smile.
I risk moving closer and kiss his cheek softly, trying not to wake him up.
I know he hasn’t slept well without me.
(I haven’t either, without him.)
Side effect of sleeping for so many years in that tower. We both got dreadfully used to hearing the other breathe, the way we each navigated and slept.
At this point, I think even his snoring lulls me to sleep.
(I still complain about it, however.)
An arm wraps behind my back and pulls me close.
He takes a deep breath, and when I pull back I see one eye open.
“Hey there,” he says, voice hoarse with sleep.
“Your breath smells.” I lean in, kissing his forehead.
“Well your hair is greasy,” he replies, pulling me into a kiss, his hand moving to my hair.
“You don’t seem to mind it.”
He hums in response.
I pull him tighter. I need to feel this. Everything.
His lips.
His hands.
His chest against mine.
“And you don’t seem to mind the morning breath,” he states, smiling at me as we break for a moment.
I open my mouth to retort but he puts a finger to my lips, shushing me.
“No talking, only kissing,” he whispers. “I’ve not kissed my fiancé in decades.”
He leans in but I pull back for a moment.
“It’s been two weeks, Snow.”
“Decades,” he states matter of factly. “Each day was like five years passed. It’s been 70 years. I’ve gone grey and wrinkly, waiting for you to return.”
I laugh, being shut up briefly by another round of kisses.
I should sleep.
But this is so much better than sleeping.
I feel something wet hit my cheek.
Backing up, worried there is a leak from the ceiling, I realize why.
It’s Simon.
“Love,” I say.
What’s wrong?
“It’s fine; it’s fine,” he says, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. “I’m just tired, and I missed you.”
Another tear drops from one of his eyes, and I brush it away with my thumb.
I open my mouth to say a response, to comfort, but I feel a stinging in my own eyes.
(My eyes have been open for too long, you see. Couldn’t sleep on the plane. I’ve been up far too long to be able to control any tears that fall.)
I lean in to kiss him again.
We kiss, and kiss, and keep kissing. Hands roam, trying to remind our brains of what it feels like to have each other again.
It was dark when we started, but soon an orange haze comes over the room as the sun rises.
The tears start, stop, start again.
Laughter rings out a few times.
“You did WHAT to our oven??” I shout at one point.
He lays now with his head on my chest. My eyes are closed, fingers scratching his head lightly.
His hand is softly rubbing my stomach.
“Wait,” Simon says, jumping up and looking at me.
I blink a few times, trying to fight off the sleep that was about to overcome me.
“Did you get?” He asks, question incomplete.
I search his eyes for a moment, frowning, trying to comprehend before I realize what he is saying.
“Yes, they are on the table,” I laugh softly.
He jumps up and starts to go to the door.
He pauses, looking back at me, clearly wracking his brain with a question.
“We can eat them in bed,” I say, knowing where his mind is trying to go.
He smiles and continues his run to the kitchen.
I look out the window and see the sun hit the windows of nearby buildings.
It’s good to be home.
#snowverylost#carry on#simon snow#baz pitch#snowbaz#Caity does fanfiction#I hope you like this!#Me#Trying To Do A Text Fic#lol#<3 you birdy
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No Texting During Drama Club
Me: Alright! Week two of Vesuvian pride is all about the modern day AUs, I can do this!
*Eight pages later*
What happened? (Pen pals/online friends meeting in person for the first time. Not quite as adherent to the prompt, but I think it works well enough)
Unknown Sender
3:30 PM.
“-heard u have a&p with prof valdemar. If you let me copy ur notes, I will owe u pizza for the rest of our lives.
-this is Julian, btw. from the theater club.
-in case u thought this was some, u know, random creep.”
You
3:35 PM
“-Fine. But only because no one deserves to be failed by Valdemar.
-I’ll drop them off at the dressing room tomorrow. I like pineapple and olive pizza.”
Unknown Sender
3:37 PM
“-pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza, u monster!
-sigh. but I'll let it slide since you’re saving my ass.”
You
3:41 PM
“-Did you really just type out ‘sigh’?”
Unknown Sender
3:43 PM
“-….
-Yes.”
----------------
You
6:30 PM
“-So, hey. Congrats on getting to play Hamlet.”
Julian
6:34 PM
“-not the most original production we’ve done, but a role’s a role. seeing Lucio’s face when he realized he wasn’t the star was worth it.”
You
6:40 PM
“-Remind me who that is.
I’m seriously drawing a blank here.”
Julian
6:43 PM
“-blonde. rich. Insufferable. loud.
-he has that fancy prosthetic arm that somehow makes him better than everyone.”
You
6:50 PM
“-Oooooooooh. Him.
-He doesn’t really come to bother us production people unless he wants to bitch about costuming or the sets. Which is a lot.”
Julian
6:55 PM
“-i think I've heard you chew him out a few times. Ur the girl with the venterran accent, right?”
You
7:01 PM
“-Aye.
-Surprised you could even understand me. Not a lot of people can when I get PO’d.”
Julian
7:10 PM
“-i understood enough to know you called him a prick.
-my mom and dad took me to venterre once. it was almost as pretty as you.”
You
7:20
“-Wow.
-That was horrible and you should feel horrible.”
Julian
7:12
“-I have no shame, and never will, my dear.”
-------------------------------------
Julian
3:00 AM
“-natalia
“-hey, natalia.”
“-tali”
Julian 3:05 AM
“-how did people in the middle ages first think to start using leeches?
“-like, did they stick leeches on themselves and realize that pain and blood loss and disease was the medicine?”
You
3:06 AM
“Jules, it is 3 in the goddamn morning. Go to bed.”
Julian
3:07 AM
“I work the graveyard shift at supermarket. it’s my lunchtime.”
You
3:08 AM
“-Then fuckin eat your lunch and let normal people sleep before I cram it up your ass.”
Julian
3:10 AM
“- I can think of much more fun things we can do.”
You
3:15 AM
“-Fuck you, I’m going back to sleep.”
-----------------------
Jules
2:30 PM
“-So you really had a pet ram as a kid?”
You
2:31 PM
“-Technically, I still do. I just couldn’t bring him with me.
“-my flat allows large dogs, but won’t allow rams? It’s bullshit.”
Jules
2:32 PM
“-rams aren’t really normal pets tho.”
You
2:33 PM
“-Says the guy who has a pet crow.”
Jules
2:34 PM
“-malak is a raven, number 1.
-number 2, he is an absolute delight. how dare you say otherwise?
You
2:40
“-Rufus is better.
“-Behold the glory”
Jules
2:50 PM
“-oh, so it’s a pet off then? Fine! May the cutest animal win!”
You
3:00 PM
“-Fine!”
Jules
3:05 PM
“-Have at you!”
-------------------------------------
When Natalia’s phone rang, she was actually shocked to see Julian’s caller id flash on the screen. They had never actually... talked on the phone before.
The worst-case scenarios instantly popped into her head. Was he hurt? Did something happen? What if this was the hospital calling her to say he was in critical condition. Why would he put her as an emergency medical contact without telling her?!
Her phone buzzed again, more insistently, and she pressed the answer button with a trembling finger.
“Hello?”
“Oh, hi~” The feminine voice from the other line was definitely not Julian, not even at his most dramatic falsetto. And she sounded too chipper to be the bearer of doom and death. Natalia let out a breath she hadn’t been aware she’d been holding. “This is... Tali? Right?”
“It’s Natalia, actually. Who is this?”
“My name is Portia! I’m Ilya’s- oh, sorry. One sec,” Portia put a hand over the speaker, muffling the commotion on her side of the line. There was thumping, shuffling, and her shouting “You have her listed as ‘My Dearest Tali’, Ilya! Come on!”
A voice that sounded somewhat like Julian’s shouted back something, but Natalia couldn’t hear it clearly. There was a sound like static or rushing wind, before a door slammed and Portia let out a triumphant laugh. Portia’s voice fully came back on the line. “Sorry. But, yeah. I’m Ilya’s little sister. I would have liked to meet you in person, but my brother is completely hopeless.” Someone thumped against the door, and Portia lowered the phone again. “You know I’m right!” She yelled at the door.
Back to normal. “Aaaanyway. He’s been lamenting, and sighing, and wallowing over whether or not he should ask you out. So! You wanna go on a date with him?”
Natalia opened and closed her mouth a few times, wordless sounds escaping. She was sure her face was burning pink. She could feel the heat spreading from her cheeks to her neck. “Take your time. I can be in here all day.” Portia said casually. Natalia could almost picture her reclining back casually on whatever it was she was sitting on.
“Ah- Ah,” Natalia finally managed to choke out. She took in a deep breath, and let it out in a slow whistle. “...if he really wants tae.” She finally said.
“Oh, he does. Trust me, I know him better than anyone.” Natalia could hear Portia’s smile through the phone. Distantly, a lock clicked and a door swung open. “She said yes, Ilyushka. You can thank me later.”
“That wasn’t- you’re missing the-!” Julian stammered. He took a breath and lifted the phone to his ear. “Listen, whatever Pasha said, you can just forget it. Really. It’s nothing.”
For a moment, Natalia found herself stunned by the sound of his voice. It wasn’t anything new to her. She had heard it from behind thick velvet curtains and up on catwalks. She had heard him bellow for lost love mournfully, monologue passionately, and condemn his enemies. But those were all characters. Hamlet, and Romeo, and Othello. None of them had been Julian Devorak. Not really.
“Natalia?” His voice broke her out of her stupor, and sent a shiver down her spine. The way his tongue curled around the syllables of her name, like he had never spoken anything more sacred, sent her heart aflame in the best possible way.
“Julian.” She spoke his name barely above whisper. Natalia leaned against her desk for support, head spinning. When had- how did- why didn’t he- she- they-? She took in a breath through her nose, just as Julian heaved a resigned sigh.
“Good night, Tali.”
“No, wait, Julian! Don’t-!” The dial tone droning in her ear was all she got. And when she tried calling him, all she got was his voice mail.
Try again. Voice mail.
Try again. Voice mail.
You
8:00 PM
“-Julian, you asshole! Pick up your phone!”
*Last Read by Jules at 8:05 PM.
--------------
Natalia Valeth was not a quitter.
She hadn’t given up when she left her home country to become a pharmacist. She hadn’t lost hope when she didn’t make the cut to be on the acting team. She didn’t back down even as Professor Valdemar verbally tore the first draft of her thesis to shreds. So, when she drove to the community theater the very next weekend, she was a woman on a mission.
She was hours early for once, but not so early that the doors to the theater weren’t already unlocked. The only person who would wake up at the ass crack of dawn for theater was Julian, and that was exactly what Natalia was betting on. She threw open the auditorium doors with a resounding bang that echoed resoundingly all throughout the room. Sitting on the edge of the stage was Julian, who looked up at her when she made her entrance. The script he had been looking over listlessly fell from his grip, scattering like leaves in the wind. In such a quiet room, Natalia could hear him curse as if she were right at his side. She steeled herself and marched down the steps of the auditorium, stopping less than an arm’s length away from were Julian sat on his haunches collecting the papers.
“We need tae talk. Face tae face this time.”
“Do we?” Julian finally collected the script and rose to his full height. Despite having a good foot on Natalia, he had never looked smaller gunmetal gray eyes looking everywhere but at her. He turned his back on her to tap the pages crisply against the stage.
“You bet yer ass we dae! Whit th’ hell urr ye thinking’s? Whit, did ye think ignoring this wid mak’ it go away?”
“...Maybe a little.”
“Och! Yer impossible!” Natalia threw her hands up with the exclamation. “Did ye think Ah juist said ‘aye’ tae fuck wi’ ye? A’m waantin’ tae gang oan a date wi’ ye! Mibbie even twa! If we feel really crazy, we’ll mak’ it three.”
It might not have been the three magical worlds that would have been most dramatic. If this were a stage production, this would be the part where the lights would dim, and the spotlight would narrow over the two lovers, giving the illusion that they were the only two people in the world. With the theater as empty as it was, they might as well have been.
“Do you... Do you mean that?”
Such vulnerability didn't seem like Julian. Julian could throw out innuendos as easily as breathing. Julian was overly dramatic in everything he did, even when he wasn’t in front of an adoring audience. But it was the Julian who wanted to be a doctor. It was the Julian who looked at all the pandemics of the past, and wondered why so many people had to die. The Julian who was wound up so tightly like he was bracing himself for ejection like it would come as a physical blow.
Sarcasm felt like it would just add fuel to the fire, so Natalia opted for compassion instead. When she brushed her hand against Julian’s cheek, he leaned into it like he needed her touch the same way needed air.
“I’m willin tae huv a go at this.” She said gently, like everything would shatter around them if she was too abrasive. “Ye in?”
“Absolutely.” Julian placed a hand over hers and tilted his head enough to plant a shy, fleeting kiss to her palm.
Maybe this would end in a romance for the ages. Maybe this would end in tragedy. Whatever happened, it was better than not pursing it at all.
#Vesuvian Pride 2020#vp2020#julian devorak#natalia valeth#julian x mc#the used alchemy to combine college aus with drama club aus#in which Portia tries to play wingman but Julian is too busy being insecure to appreciate it#the arcana#the arcana game
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Trust
Four
Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Sister!Reader
Warnings: the usual
Tags: @thatlittlered
Note: let’s pretend that John dies after Christmas Day ok
Read the rest in my masterlist
22:30, Christmas Eve, Arrow House
“Bend that end bit, and then pull it up.”
“I am fucking bending it Mabel, but it won’t go up.”
“If you do it properly then it will!”
“I am doing it properly, like you said!”
Sighing, you pulled the present Tommy was attempting to wrap in front of you, showing him slowly how to bend the edges into a triangle and pull it on top. “Pass me some string.”
Tommy obeyed, cutting a long piece of string from the ball beside him and gave it to you, watching as you tied a neat bow around the wrapped present to keep the paper in place. “You make it look too easy.”
Smiling, you gave him the final present to be wrapped and a sheet of tissue paper. “You can do that one on your own, I’ve helped with all the rest.”
It had been well over an hour since you and Tommy had started wrapping, but your brothers wrapping skills were worse than you thought, and a lesson was well needed.
You watched him start wrapping Nancy’s present from him and Charles, and you couldn’t help a sinking feeling making its way to your heart. It’d be the first Christmas without all your siblings since the war, and the very first without your aunt. You missed them terribly, yet hadn’t had the chance to make contact. Tommy said Ada would be coming for dinner tomorrow, but didn’t mention anything about your other siblings.
“Who else is coming for dinner tomorrow, Tom?” You asked as he started bending the edges into triangles, holding the middle together for him so it didn’t fall apart.
“Johnny Dogs, a few of the Lee boys, Mary the maid, Ada and Karl, and probably a few others.” He answered, voice distant with distraction as his fingers fumbled with the thin purple paper.
You figured as much, and you nodded before answering, you knew you needed to ask the question sooner rather than later. “Why don’t you invite everyone? It’s about time we, you, made contact with them, Tom. Polly, Michael, Finn, John, Esme, Arthur, Linda, all of them. They’re family, Tommy. We’ve never had a Christmas apart.”
Tying the rope you’d cut for him around the present, albeit a little bit lopsided, he thought as he tied. You could tell he was deep in thought, mulling over your words. It seemed like an eternity until he nodded, putting the present aside with the others. “I don’t know how they’ll react, Mabel. I’ll make some telephone calls tonight, though. I agree with you, it’s about time, and there’s no better time that Christmas, eh?”
“I’ll be right here if you need me to talk to them, alright?” You said, standing to arrange the presents into a neat pile under the large Christmas tree. Walking over to the cabinet in the corner, you poured yourself and your brother a glass of whiskey, and set it down beside him on his desk as he began to call your family.
It was going to be a long night, but you’d be by your brothers side until every phone call was done.
——————————————————————————-
06:30, Christmas Morning.
Tommy woke up to the feeling of little hands patting his shoulder, the excited giggles of his son filling his ears as he succumbed to consciousness, just about managing to see Charlie through his bleary eyes.
“Daddy! Father Christmas has been!” Charlie exclaimed excitedly, giggles becoming louder as Tommy sat up, picking him up and plopping him on his lap as he began to wake up.
“Has he? Did he leave them under the tree?” Tommy asked, gently scraping back his sons wild bed hair. It warmed his heart to see Charles so excited, and it was one of the few days he got to spend quality time with his son.
“I think so.” Charles replied, hopping off his fathers lap and pulling at his hand, trying to pull him out of bed. “We need to wake up Aunt Mabel! She needs to see!”
Tommy smiled, pulling himself up as he bent down to Charlie’s level. “Go and wake up Aunt Mabel while I get dressed, I won’t be long.” He kissed his sons head before watching him run out of the bedroom, smiling to himself as he heard the patter of his little feet down the hallway.
You stirred from one of the best sleeps you’d had in a while as you felt someone shaking you. Yawning, you opened your eyes to just about see the outline of your nephew in your sleepy state. Running your eyes, you could now clearly the see the bright smile and excitement radiating from his little body.
“He’s come! Aunt Mabel, he’s come!” Charlie exclaimed, sitting himself down on the bed beside you as you sat up.
“Really? Did the reindeers eat the carrot?” You asked, smiling down at your excitable nephew, you couldn’t wait until Nancy was at the age where she understood Christmas. As Charlie began to tell you all about the empty glass and the carrot was gone, Tommy appeared in the doorway.
“Come on Charlie, lets let Aunt Mabel get dressed and then we’ll open the presents, yeah?” Tommy said, picking up his son as Charlie skipped over to him, babbling nonsense to his father as he carried him down the hallway, leaving you to get dressed in silence.
After dressing yourself and doing your hair, you got your daughter from the nursery and made you way down the other end of the mansion to the Christmas tree in Tommy’s office. You sat yourself down on the floor with Charlie, Tommy sitting on the armchair beside you. “Wow, look at all these presents.” You said, beginning to make a pile for Charlie and a pile for Nancy with your free hand.
Giving the last one to Nancy’s pile, you looked over at Charles, itching to open his presents. “Go on, you can open them.” Tommy said, gesturing for his son to start opening his presents. It didn’t take long until Charlie was into them, proudly showing you and Tommy everything once he’d opened it.
You opened Nancy’s with her in your arms, smiling when she giggled at the toy horse Thomas had brought her. Once Charlie was preoccupied playing with his toy cards, you noticed there was one more present under the tree, and it wasn’t for any of the children.
The lopsided string and hasty wrapping told you everything you needed to know, and you looked up at your brother with furrowed brows. “We said we wouldn’t do gifts this year, Tom.”
“I know, and I’m sorry but I just wanted you to know I’m grateful for you being my sister.” He said quietly, nodding at the present. “I even wrapped it m’self.”
Sitting Nancy between your crossed legs, with a smile you began to open the present, underneath the tissue paper was a long box, and you spared a glance at Thomas before opening it, paperwork underneath.
Carefully taking it out of the box and unfolding it to read it, you couldn’t believe what you were reading. It was ownership deeds to an auctioned horse, in your name, all yours to keep at Arrow House. “Tom-“
“I thought it would do you good to have something to do outside of these walls, you go down to the stables a lot and I thought that by having your own horse it’d be something to distract yourself with.” He cut you off, resting a hand on your shoulder. “They’re bringing her in tomorrow, a white mare.”
“I can’t thank you enough, Tom. You didn’t have to do this at all, this must’ve cost you so much-“
“Don’t worry about how much it cost, Mabel. I’ll take care of that bit, alright? I can already see that horse at the races next year.” Tommy teases, cracking a smile as you turned to look at him, eyes watery.
“Thank you.” You pulled your brother down for a hug, holding your daughter steady with the other arm. “For looking after me.”
“I couldn’t let you be on your own, you know I couldn’t.” He smiled before turning to look at the grandfather clock in the corner of the room.
It was an hour until your siblings, aunt and cousin arrived and you couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. It’d been months since you’d last seen them, and you had no idea how they’ve been after your release. A question seemed to be in the forefront of your mind.
What could possibly go wrong?
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Innocent Rebel
My First Story
I wanted to start off by saying if you're reading this. Thank you. Just one view makes me so happy and the thought of someone liking and enjoying my work is great. Secondly, I just want to mention that this is my first time publishing a story that I've written anywhere so I am both nervous and excited. So I hope you enjoy this short story about a young girl exploring her sexuality and going beyond her limits. Thank You.
_________________________________________________________________________________
“Oh fuck” I gasped as I woke up with a start, I automatically checked my watch the illuminating blue light flashing the late 03:03 on the plastic face of my digital watch, great! I thought.
“What’s wrong? Did you not enjoy that?” she purred a coy smirk on her face as she stretched her long, long limbs, I sighed internally fuck she was a beauty to look at. Memories of the last few hours flashed through my mind like lightning.
“No.” I sighed “It was great, fabulous even just it’s probably the reason my phone is lighting up like a fucking Christmas tree”
“Ahh” she sighed in realisation, as she flopped on the bed “ I didn’t think someone as cute and innocent as you could swear…. of course, you proved me wrong”
I scoffed loudly “You barely knew me for what? A few hours. Shows you for judging a book by its cover” my favourite idiom slipped out of my mouth easily. Idiom, idiom, oh how I loved that word. If there was one thing I missed from A levels it was the vocabulary in English, the sophistication and elegance of such words just made me feel so confident and smart and empowered. Like I didn’t need physical strength; my wit and words could be my sword.
I shook my heading allowing my internal monologue to fade away like floating clouds and focused on the task at hand, my thumb hovered over my dad’s number glaring at me in the dark. I didn’t realise that whilst deep in my thoughts I had tuned out Isabelle's words,
“Lizz, Lizz, Lizz!!” she exclaimed her hands waving in front of my eyes drastically, I blinked quickly
“Huh?” I mumbled incoherently
“ Wonderful you’ve come back to earth” she muttered, “ I said what are you going to do then? And do you want me to come with you? “
I smiled shyly at the words, no don’t become hopeful, do not become hopeful please for fuck sakes don’t do this I repeated this mantra to myself (internally of course). I could feel my heart clench at the images of me and Izzy that swam in my brain like small fish. Fish. Fishy. Oh, My God, my mother is going to kill me I thought.
“I’m going to die” I answer dramatically, she rolls her eyes “ No seriously, I have one, two three, like 30 missed calls here and that’s just from my mum” I scrolled down the screen my greasy thump staining my phone. My throat closed up in fear, “ I mean if your lucky, they’ve only called family and friends but if not well let’s just say my face will be on the BBC news tomorrow morning”
“That’s a bit much, isn’t it? I mean come on when’s the last time you stayed out this late? I mean how bad could it have been?”
“Never.” I screeched “I’ve never ever been out this late, I mean the last time I was out this late, it was a New Years Eve party at my cousin's house”
“Well…” she started “and my parents were there!” her mouth opened... wide,
“What about prom? I mean you must’ve been out late then?” she questioned, I realised then how little she knew about me, unlike David or Lisa she had spent little to no time with me, she didn’t know about my family, she didn’t know about their controlling behaviour.
“Oh God, I’m never going to be allowed out again” I cry, I mean this is the last time my Grandad will ever defend me. Ever! I looked at the screen helplessly as Izzy groaned at the back in frustration, she pulled the covers back with a swish, her slippers padded softly across the room. “I’m making hot chocolate, call me when you’ve sorted it,” she said. I ogled at those small shorts that rode up her back. When she pulled her nighty down to cover her ass, her mouth opened and her arms elongated. She was the epitome of beauty and adorableness, I know it’s not a word but that’s how she looked in that moment.
I looked at my phone again noticing the +259 in my row of numbers, great they ’d told Lilly, most likely woken her up. What a great idea!. I am so dead. Dead. I took a deep breath and wondered if Izzy would let me stay at hers if they kicked me out? No. Stop. I didn't want any more negative thoughts. So I took another deep breath and clicked on the number, the phone rang for a millisecond before I heard the familiar warm voice through the device.
“Lizzie, Lizzie Where are you? It doesn’t matter are you ok? Are you safe” she interrogated me viciously non-stop but through the panic, I heard a calm but firm voice “Give me your address I’ll come to pick you up” I groaned what could I say to that? No sorry, you can’t come pick me up. So instead I replied with;
“ It got late, and I was worried you were still angry at me so I decided to stay with the friend I went out with, she lives on her own and has a spare bedroom I borrowed. She was more than happy for me to stay” Ok so... I left a few things out, like that, I could’ve been home by 22:00 or that I wasn’t exactly using her spare bedroom or that she was far more than a friend. But what they didn’t know didn’t hurt them. Right?.
I twisted my broken nail, as I ripped it from my skin in impatience “ouch” I muttered. I heard a large sigh, it’s like It was replaying in my head; the way his palm covered his face in relief and frustration at the same time, I mean it’s not like I could really blame him. Finally, he managed out
“ I’m sorry I upset you, I know you think I coddle you too much but the last time I stopped well you know what happened, your Grandad’s really worried he blames himself for letting you go out on a Friday night.”
“Are. I sighed as I faltered “Are you angry” I asked him meekly
“No just relieved your safe. You are safe. Right, Lizzie? You arere not lying to me because you think I’ll get angry? I won’t I promise”
“ No, I’m not lying Dad, I promise” I hear my mum scoff in the background and my Dad’s quiet but firm “Taylor. Stop. Now is not the time”, the volume of his voice increased “When will you come back?” he sounded so worried, it broke my heart
“Tomorrow morning, first thing, promise” I said again hoping that the repetition would increase how much I meant it, my voice was becoming muffled with my fingers stuffed in my mouth “ok, just get some sleep, I’ll see you tomorrow.” he paused then quietly almost like a whisper murmured “Good night. Love you” click.
I gulped as my throat began to hurt and my eyes burn. Oh fuck. Not now for fuck's sake. I realised quickly I swore a lot when I was scared, almost like a reflex. So mesmerised in my conversation I hadn’t noticed Izzy leaning against the doorframe her hands nursing a purple mug of what I assumed was hot chocolate.
“So? What happened? Are you dead now? Are we in heaven or something?” she teased, her tone light but her eyes screaming Are you ok? You can speak to me. Although to be fair that may just be the English student in me.
“Yeah, not as bad as I originally thought, I’m going back tomorrow morning”
A mischievous smile played on her lips, her eyes roaming over me like a predator with her prey. “I wonder what we’ll do till then?”
“ I wonder…” her lips crashed onto mine as my hands gripped her waist like an anchor, keeping me steady against the storm, I moaned into the kiss allowing the waves of pleasure wash over me the feeling of stability and certainty giving me the peace of mind I so desperately needed, forgetting my worries if not just for a little while.
_________________________________________________________________________
I woke up with the steady beat of a catchy pop song filling my head, oh thank god I thought, not emo or rock music. I mean each to their own and everything but if I’m being honest having two friends obsessed with that depressing stuff was more than enough. Immediately two thoughts came to my mine 1) how was Lisa? It had been ages since I’d seen her, I smile as I elongate my short limbs she’d be so fucking proud of me right now.2) How fucking dead was I really? The sunlight flooded my eyes as I rushed to cover my poor light depraved eyes “ughh” I groaned
“How eloquent, what happened to the smart sophisticated women I went to bed with?” Her teasing tone growing louder as she pulled the covers off my cold, rigid body “ugghh” I repeated as I embraced my curled up figure “ too early, too much sunlight” I grunted out.
“Charming,” she said, the tap of heels moving further away. Wait a minute. Heels? I perked up, my head peeking above the quilt, my eyes watched her figure clear up and my pupils adjusted to the light. She stood still like a statue to be admired in a pencil skirt and maroon top, a black blazer, black stilettos and red bag accompanying her. “Why the fuck are you so dressed up? What’s the time? How late am I “ my pitch increased with each question as I stumbled out of bed tripping and tangling myself into the large quilt attempting to get free. finally after enough waving and tugging and grunting as I’m free from the quilt I trip and stagger into the hallway.
“Relax” she laughs “ I have an early morning meeting, it’s only 06:00 am but I have to leave. Make yourself at home and if you want we can do something when we get back. Otherwise, just leave the key under the mat and I’ll call you later? Cheerio”
Cheerio. What? I shook my head aggressively trying to wake myself up. I go to the bathroom to brush and wash and all that, my heart sinks as I realise the impending doom. I mean, I could ’ve just not gone back, but all my shit was at home. Worst case scenario I can grab all of my crap and leave. If that’s what they want.
I drag my feet to the bedroom intentionally dressing as slowly as possible, I grab my car keys from the small heart-shaped tray at the front, along with the spare keys as I went. I opened the front door and triple checked I had everything. Key check. Phone check. Handbag check. I took a deep breath and placed the spare key under the mat as she said, then stuck my headphones in and headed for the small red car that would drive me to my doom.
By Wallflower,
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1/16/17 5:17 pm
I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.
I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.
Kill me.
1/20/17
I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.
Please let me die in an accident.
10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.
1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm
I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.
1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm
I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.
2/16 4:29pm
I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.
I hit myself again this morning in the shower.
2/17 12:18am
I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.
2/20 12:33pm
I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.
1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)
2/21 12:31pm
Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.
2/24 11:52am
It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.
2/28 12:15 pm
In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything
3/13 12:48pm
I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.
3/20 4:39am
Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day
3/22 6:14pm
Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.
3/24 10:44am
I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.
I want to die.
3/25 5:02pm
Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.
3/27 1:41am
I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.
3/30 8pm
I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake
3/31 6:38
Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.
4/6 1:12pm
Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.
4/7 1:36pm
It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.
4/17 10:21am
So overwhelmed.
4/19 9:08am
Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.
6/1 11:02am Thursday
Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.
6/25 2:15am
Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.
6/27 12:40pm
Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.
6/28 3:06pm
Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues
7/14 12:50pm
JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa
7/18 3:28am Tuesday
I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.
7/20 1:59pm
Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....
Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.
I really hate myself.
I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.
7/31 9:04pm
In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.
9/5 11:42am
Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.
9/21 10:02am
Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.
10/18 9:52am
Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.
10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm
Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~
11/1 2:16 pm
In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.
11/16 9:14am Thursday
Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.
12/5/17 2:36pm
It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.
1/14/18 11:27pm
I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.
1/22/18 3:10am
Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.
1/23/18 12:30am
I’m pathetic at work.
2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday
Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).
2/5/18 11:52am
Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.
5/7/18 Monday 8:59am
On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.
5/7/18 Monday 11:21am
Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.
5/10/18 1:02pm
Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....
All the work before I did is basically useless.
Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.
Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.
5/23 5:12pm
Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get
5/25 Friday 11:27am
Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.
I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good
5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself
5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work
At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.
6/12 10:59am Tuesday
Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.
6/24 Monday 10:46am
I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.
7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm
I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed
7/9 Monday 12:15am
This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.
7/22 Sunday 1am
Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.
- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.
Thursday 7/26 2:54pm
First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.
Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊
How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.
Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.
8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am
On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.
I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.
Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.
5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.
9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am
Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.
9/20 Thursday 11:05am
Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.
Animal crossing
Love Nicky
Clash royal
Good fantasy
9/26 11:53am
On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety
1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE
2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL
3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON
4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow
5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)
6. Plan to drive home after show
Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me
10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm
I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.
10/4 Thursday 1:24pm
On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.
11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm
Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.
Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.
QA
Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.
Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?
Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)
11/29 Thursday 9:25am
Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.
12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm
Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.
2/18 10:02am
On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.
Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.
2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm
Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.
It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat
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Small Nov Wins
1 - cant bring myself to study, got out of bed 10:30-ish am. While lazing around i read royal servant and do random internet stuff and watched romee's vlogs. Ate breakfast and i somehow has no appetite?? This is rare. e, cicil kompre began at 15:30 pm (i know, i waste my time a lot). Pengumuman wahana mpi wow yay kalideres makara and budi asih
2 - the weather was pleasantly cloudy. poli anestesi anak, simul. went to what used to be calais, its called flavola now. at this point i quite need some calories because i only ate bubur ayam and its like 2-3 pm ish. Eventually the hunger is gone, arrived home at about 4-ish, drank protein to curb my hunger (nanggung dinner). dad said sumn that annoyed me so after maghrib i just lazed in bed, not feeling like doing anything (even though there’s lots of exams and hw lmao), fell asleep
3 - woke up at 2 am, prated, randomly searched for angel - chancellor and taeyeon’s lyrics and i basically wept at 4 am. i assumed the song was just like,,, a guy talking to a girl, his angel, you know. EXCEPT,,,,,,,,. the 2 MVs was also rly222 beautiful 🥺. Poli geriatri today, didnt even see patient because there was no more at that time (status salin nadia). ate ichiban salad (surprisingly quite good) at dm bcs i rly do be functioning better outdoors, made matcha latte with full cream milk ((powder)), cicil PT
4 - can finally wake up late. finished 1 sitasi pt, made ikk ppt, bujing lina called about diarrhea and nausea meds, laddered the leader for tomorrow’s exam and it,, was,,, me,, group call with shiko. frantically studied for EA
5 - PT (finished in 45 mins), simul as a leader, with STEMI, VF and hypoglycemia case. somehow made it through. i suck at dosages omggg. PP by car with mom (not rly that tired) but i SLEPT after i got home and had no mood to study helpppp
6 - did my first swab test today. i pushed the doctors hand when she’s doing oropharyngeal swab im sorryyyy 😂. slept. matcha. cicil kompre
7 - still havent finished ikk (deadline: today), and still havent studied for geri and ikk AND i still managed to take a nap. why. Read a bit of kompre. Not sleepy after matcha, but insted i reread bj alex and tsubaki chou lonely planet until 2 am the next day #rippriorities
8 - im having matcha latte seven days in a row as of today :))))) woke up at 10:30 am, went to flavola with atikah and got strawberry yakult (tasted like es mony), arrived home at abt 7-ish am and there no dinner, so i drank protein and ate japota honey butter. My breakfast was chicken porridge, so my diet is sooo liquid today. Rip proper nutrition (ate buryam, lumpia, japota for the whole day and drank 3 beverage). Cicil kompre and studied geri
9 - suma geri, slept, cicil kompre, ny head kind of hurts
10 - my head still hurts, suma ikk with dr herqu and dr retno, didnt take swab result by car because the TRAFFIC in soetta so my brother took it. Thankfully negative.
11 - lulus kompre alhamdulillah, the examiner were Prof Saptawati and dr. Dani from THT. Dr dani still remembered me :"") they were very kind. Went to tamel for first wahana: klinik makara UI. Picked up masker first at mahmudas place, and then went to depok. On the way i was interviewed by maba 2020 wtf im so old. Cleaned up my room with the fam, printed sumn in barel (its quite empty there)
12 - first day at klinik makara ui. i WALKED. such wow. fixed my shoes in kutek. had breakfast in barel and bahari for lunch-dinner. somehow i felt very drained. bought Dapur Alya (nutella and regal) and 2 salads from Salad Point since there was 11.11 promo. Put all of them in the fridge. Read Fools and its sooo good omg
13 - had salad and left over bahari rice for brekkie. went to clinic by grabbike :)))), had my first teleconsultation experience today, a chemical trauma case. suma ea with the help of shiko
14 - woke up at 5:20 ish and i jogged a bit at ui lmaoo. fisip - ft - fisip. By 6:30 im already back at my room. 1 hour can be spent a lot of different ways, it turns out. Washed my clothes. Ate monstercheese pizza. Slept a bit. Went to blok m with ara (she was late as always, surprised her with koi milk tea), ate futago ya (greasy cheesy milky goodness, enak tapi eneg afterwards), bought red bean bread at la mouette, bought discounted onigiri bento box at papaya. We went to m bloc space, looked around, ate gelato at kebunide (blueberry: yum, fresh, kiiinda feels artificial, salted caramel: delicious but makes me thirsty) and did photobox at connectoon. Walked to mrt asean but turns out!! for weekends mrt is closed at 8pm. Took grabbike to sudirman, seeing the pretty city and people just hanging out, playing skateboards on the wide sidewalks.
15 - planned to go jogging with salemba frens but i woke up late (06:45), so i just lazed around. Ate onigiri bento (super worth it for 25k for the proteins), fell asleep again 10ish to 14:30 lmaoo. The doms from yesterday was present even on the right side of my lower back 🙂 the red bean bread made me feel full, and the red bean was not too sweet, which i love. Reviewed some meshwork materials i missed. Fianti called and we talked abt her and hari
16 - had mujigae for sahur and fish bite for iftar. The fish was not as soft as fish streat, but the flour was definitely better and crunchy. But it doesnt have the seasoning micin like fish streat do. The pasta was quite a lot im in food coma afterwards. Fell asleep, and my stomach was so gassy that i woke up in the middle with a headache that does not play around. Fortunately it dissapeared in the morning
17 - breakfast is rice kimchi and abon lmaoo just pretend it makes sense. The scrubs i ordered finally arrived. I fell asleep AGAIN, WHYYYY. Lost my streak in DL, i guess i can stop using it for now.
18 - finished reading blood link, girlll i thought the human died at the end. Did not buy food today wow. Took a nap and cicil kompre.
19 - brekkie at barel. Helped measuring antropometry today at clinic, and also measured my own. The fucked up thing was that i THOUGHT my body fat is still at 28% compared to the past (dr rina's research). So i looked at the old paper AND. I USED TO HAVE. 35% FAT 🙂 even my memories are in denial and are fooling me. All this time i thought i was at 28 🙂 did swab at rsui. The one swabbing was from fkui 2012 and we had small talk. It hurted more than lmk :( now this does feel like drowning in water (cause before i said "nah its not like water in nose"). Took angkot back to tamel, bought piscok lumer pocin and its soooo gooood ugh
20 - i feel like if i have breakfast with leftover rice and abon and sozzis i get hungry faster lmaoo. Ordered ken karaage from kukusan, yaa okela for 25k with ongkir. Did online posbindu education through wa. BTS BE COMEBACK 🥺 i maximized my wifi time (no wifi at tamel) so i listened to the whole album. My mobile data is at 200MB lol. Read a good longreads from the atlantic, about down synd and genetic screening. The writing is so so good im just blown away. And teary eyed.
21 - ran a bit, solid class (gastro, rheum, infection), embryo, webinar about sleep by dr Gita Anindyajati, SpKJ, bought ayam geprek gold chick (lotsss of oil since i ordered tempe, jamur, egg, bought pop cookies. matcha cheese was actually better than i expected (the combination somehow fits), dark chocolate and marshmallow is very chocolatey like mom’s brownies, and vegan strawberry cookie with a hint of mint. i wonder how they replace the egg. I wonder why after i run i dont feel hungry for a moment. bloating just gooes away
22 - joined kris' healthy weekly event (lmao) in tamsur. They went to epiwalk first. Its difficult for me to run w mask, ngl. Went back to tamel, embryo, ate leftover meal from gold and chick, felt somehow drained to the bone so i just laid in bed and lazed and lazed. Theres no soreness, but the weakness was generalized lmao. Ordered bbq chicken almond salad from salad point, it was actually quite fulfilling and delishhh (added chili sauce to the dressing). Literally laid in bed from 7 until i fell asleep and woke up at 6 the next day. Finished readin shame application lmao
23 - i still feel tired ckckck. No doms, but i feel like i just want to lay down. got DV patient today at clinic, its most likely derm numularis??? Ate salad and dark choco marshmallow cookies in the evening and that cookie. Is so damn sweet im just thinking about the increase in my blood sugar. And i like sweets so!!! Never thought id find sumn too sweet. Washed my clothes and cicil ukmppd (i put things about studying ukmppd in habitica now)
24 - ate tanoshi sushi and ufo ramen for bfast, ate the sushi again for lunch and after waking up from my sleep i tried kokku ramen (so so, but the egg yolk's good)
25 - bfast: superbubur, protein shake and cookies. (did not make me feel full long enough). Ordered burger from EATG (so so, burger bener is better) for lunch. Last day at makara ui. Ara arrived coz shes staying here in tamel. Waiting for mom to arrive from cibubur, she arrived at about 20:30. I passed out at home
26 - first day in pkm kalideres, i volunteered to be pj to avoid RSUD. my room is a mess, i feel tired after i go back. maybe its the physical withdrawal (?) because i dont walk like when im on klinik makara. came to pkm thinking i wont do anything (orientation only) but the 6 of us ended up going. i was at igd. i saw nail extraction and injected ats for another patient
27 - talked for almost an hour with the doctor at poli lansia. went home, felt sooo tired, i slept and actually showered after maghrib. originally planned to go to sbux but i was just tired af. my mood was horrible at home.
28 - turns out i started my period today. i havent studied at all during pkm kalideres era. embryo. slept again. read some manga by nishin something with the psychological and BL genre.
29 - embryo. cut my hair, showered, and felt better. fell asleep on dr gita's lecture. Drank cimory banana milk with a bit of matcha powder. I dont know if its the sleep, or a bit of caffeine, but my mood feels better and im more awake. Cicil ukmppd with a slow pace. Read itasaku ff. Slept at about 2 am
30 - surprisingly, i dont feel sleepy when i wake up. poli anak today, surprisingly i got perinatology case (jaundice). presented it on pleno. for bfast i ate 3 slice of bread (2 with meat and cheese, 1 choco and cheese) and protein shake, lunch: a slice of choco cheese bread and a banana, fell asleep, dinner: 1 bakwan, a banana and nextar. i can feel that the calories i got today is even less than what i usually got (and usually i already try to limit calories that i am counting the intake amout and made sure im not too far from my bmr lmaoo (~1100)
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The Break Up Blog - Day Ninety Two
Hmm, not much to report on for today.
I was exhausted from going to the gym last night, so I snoozed my alarm till 06:30 this morning.
Class went ok-ish. I even managed to get my fourth grade boys to practice their English writing, SB included. He seems like he’s doing better now, we’ll see how long his good behavior lasts for. In my experience, it’s usually not for long.
I didn’t have my double lesson with my sixth graders in the afternoon because of a fire drill. I really wish the school wouldn’t keep the foreign teachers ‘on call’ so to speak when they know full well that most school events always last for the allotted two periods they book them for and they won’t actually need us to teach our lessons. I just hate the pretense of being kept on a figurative hook for no reason except to keep up appearances. This is exactly why I feel like my work is losing its meaning at my current school.
Anyway, I got a bit done at work and decided to exercise again tonight. But it didn’t go well at all. I’m running out of KT tape, which cost me a small fortune to buy in the first place. And the KT tape I used on my arches didn’t even stop me from having pain during my workout. Plus, I’m still exhausted from last night, so it made for an extremely mediocre attempt at exercise.
So I finished my workout early, rode an exercise bike and then called it a night.
Now I’m having a violent coughing fit because I ate a chocolate biscuit, which disagrees with my acid reflux issues.
I’m so sick of this crap in all honesty.
I make one big mistake or several little mistakes and it affects my entire life, including my diet. I can’t eat well, I can’t sleep well without waking up to a violent coughing fit.
As you can tell, I’m just over this day. And it wasn’t even that bad; just annoying at all the wrong times.
I thought of X a few times throughout the day. I’m noticing a pattern with that: I tend to think of her the most when my self-esteem is low. I’m even fretting about my idea to organize a Christmas lunch or dinner for me and my foreign colleagues next month. A great idea in theory, but hard to execute in reality.
I just wish that one thing would go my way.
It feels like everything is a giant slog these days, even just being motivated enough in the mornings to go to work.
I think I need some sleep. Sleeping always cheers me up when I’m feeling flat and uninspired.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better and the current air pollution will be more agreeable on my body.
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[request] [scenario] home
((was this... accomodating OTL i am so drained from studying ;; i luv u cheese anon))
Title: home
Member: seungkwan
Genre: fluff fluff fluff // domestic au + established relationship
Word Count: 1007
Seungkwan feels like he’s finally gone insane after being in the practice room for six hours straight, perfecting Soonyoung’s choreography for Highlight, which, by the way, is the most exhausting song he’s ever danced to. His feet ache, his thighs hurt, and his lungs burn.
He swears if he hears Soonyoung call him out for not bending his knees low enough, he’s going to bend Soonyoung in half.
“You look ready to commit a murder,” Seokmin grins, tossing Seungkwan a water bottle that bounces off the blonde’s stomach and rolls off towards a sweaty Chan. Chan rolls the bottle back, and Seungkwan takes it, pressing the cold plastic to his face.
“If we have to stay in this room any longer, I will commit a murder.” Seungkwan jumps when his cell phone buzzes, snatching it off the charger, ignoring the smug grin on Seokmin’s face.
“Don’t worry,” Seokmin takes a swig of water, swallowing it before continuing, “Soonyoung knows how you get when you run low on (F/N).” Seungkwan kicks the air in front of Seokmin, scrunching his face into a look of annoyance. “You know it’s true. You get cranky and irritable. Like, right now.”
[11:50 PM] (F/N)-ah: im tired
[11:51 PM] seungkwannie: go to sleep? ill be home soon, ill wake you up
[11:51 PM] (F/N)-ah: nonono i want to wait for you
“Ew. Gross,” Jihoon gags, looking over Seungkwan’s shoulder. Seungkwan drops his phone into his lap, startled. Jihoon backs away, laughing.
“Hyung!” He whines, “Aish, I get no privacy here!”
“Privacy?” Seungcheol scoffs, placing a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder, “Seungkwan, we had two bathrooms predebut. We’ve literally seen your -”
“Okay, thanks, stop,” Seungkwan protests, covering his ears, “Can I go now?”
“Yeah, you’re already showing withdrawal symptoms,” Soonyoung grins, dodging the water bottle Seungkwan chucks at him. “My point exactly.”
Seungkwan gathers his things, shoves them haphazardly into his bag, and quickly says his goodbyes to his members and manager before bolting out the door and waving down a taxi.
He arrives at the apartment the two of you share at around 12:30 AM, cursing as he fumbles with the security keypad, entering the wrong code twice before gaining access.
The TV light covers the living room with a dim glow, a rerun of a drama playing. He’s not surprised to see you fast asleep, phone in hand, head leaning against the back of the couch.
He drops his bag and presses a kiss to the top of your head, laughing when you swat weakly at his touch, incomprehensible mumbling leaving your lips.
“You said you’d wait for me,” he mutters as you fully awake, finding him leaning over you. He has an undeniably soft pout on his face as he complains, eyes shut out of exhaustion.
You lean up and kiss his pouty lips, dry from hours of sweating at practice and lack of hydration. He lets out a squeak and holds a hand over his lips, a playful glare on his expression.
“Hey, that’s cheating,” he says, slipping over the top of the couch, too tired to walk around. He pulls you into him, your head against his shoulder and his hand in yours. He presses light, fluttering kisses onto your head, inhaling the fresh scent of your freshly washed hair, cold against his lips.
“How was practice?” You muse, your free hand rising to trace his jawline, rubbing his cheek softly and letting out a light chuckle when he leans into the touch.
“Long,” he responds, “I missed you so much I could’ve died. Well, not me necessarily, but… Let’s just say Soonyoung-hyung would be lying in a pool of his own blood if he made us do another run-through.”
You laugh at that, because knowing the drama-queen of a boyfriend you have, he’s exaggerating.
“I missed you too,” you smile, leaning into the kiss he presses against your cheek, content. “But I don’t want to fall asleep out here like last time.”
He winces at the memory of the both of you waking up on the floor below the couch, in a heap of pillows and blankets. He had to attend practice with a stiff back and a throb in his shoulder, while you had to attend classes with a stiff neck and sore arm.
“I should shower first,” he yawns, reluctantly releasing you from his embrace. The lack of warmth is unsettling, but he’d rather not make you reek of his sweat. “I’ll join you in a few, okay?”
Again, he’s not surprised to see you dozing off, phone in hand as you desperately cling to consciousness. He takes a seat on his side of the bed, the soft cushion sinking below his weight. As he dries his hair, he feels you tug at his sweater.
“‘Kwannie,” you mumble, eyelids heavy as you glance up at him, “Hurry up.”
“And I thought I missed you more,” he teases, tossing his hair towel towards the laundry basket. He enters the covers, arms wrapping around your figure to pull you into him.
He presses his forehead to yours, smiling bashfully. “I love coming home to this,” he says, “I love coming home to you.” He presses a kiss to the corner of your mouth, laughing when your soft expression melts into a pouty glare.
“I love you,” he states, hand caressing your cheek, and you quietly mumble back an ‘I love you too’ as he continues. “Without you, well, I’d probably still be sharing two bathrooms with 12 other guys,” he chuckles, “and I wouldn’t have anyone to do this to.”
He runs a thumb over your bottom lip before pressing his lips to yours, breath fresh and minty, lips soft and rehydrated.
The kiss is sweet and slow, not a quick peck or anything too intense.
You have all the time in the world, and each other.
He can’t wait to repeat the process all over again, tomorrow.
He just hopes it’s vocal practice, because currently, he can’t feel his legs.
bonus:
[6:45 AM] 1004 mom: hello sons it is time to get up
[6:46 AM] jihoonie: n o
[6:47 AM] 17’s daddy: y e s
[6:47 AM] 17’s daddy: where r u jihoon
[6:48 AM] jihoonie: studio
[6:49 AM] 17’s daddy: coming
[6:50 AM] jihoonie: ………………
[6:51 AM] 1004 mom: u nasty there are children here
[6:52 AM] jihoonie: u thought of it too
[7:00 AM] won-uwu: everyone at the dorm is up
[7:01 AM] vernOFF: unfortunately
[7:02 AM] vernOFF: seungkwan. is not awake
[7:03 AM] dj boo: hello
[7:04 AM] vernOFF: jk
[7:04 AM] dj boo: no ur right he’s not awake he’s on TOP of me and i am STUCK
[7:05 AM] 17’s daddy: oh. hello (f/n)
[7:06 AM] vernOFF: rip
[7:07 AM] jihoonie: rip
[7:07 AM] chan: rip
[7:07 AM] ming-how: rip
[7:07 AM] jun-who: rip
[7:07 AM] ming-ew: rip
[7:07 AM] won-uwu: rip
[7:07 AM] kwon fire: rip
[7:07 AM] josh hong: rip
[7:07 AM] seokmin: rip
[7:08 AM] dj boo: i hate u all, actually
[7:08 AM] dj boo: fine im going back to sleep too bye
[7:09 AM] 17’s daddy: WE HAVE A SCHEDULE AT 7:30 WAKE hIM UP
[7:10 AM] 17’s daddy: aaaand she’s gone
[7:10 AM] 1004 mom: rip
[7:11 AM] 17’s daddy: ….
[7:11 AM] 17’s daddy: rip
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FROM AFAR - CHAPTER 22
She was still a mess, I’d never seen somebody in that state after drinking. She told me about the meeting and something about Ally not even wearing a bra after being woken up suddenly to the fucking meeting.
Camila (07:59 pm): can i come by?
Camila (07:59 pm): or you want to come here?
Lauren (07:59 pm): come over babe
Lauren (08:00 pm): whichever you prefer
Lauren (08:00 pm): Julia is not coming back any time soon
Lauren (08:00 pm): she was dressing up and i think she’s going out
Camila (08:00 pm): coming
-
On the next day, when I took too long to reply to her texts because I was practicing a song, Lauren came to my room and watched me play the guitar, and the best part is that she went there on her own because she missed my company, I guess. I’ve played to my friends countless times before, but in this particular situation Lauren’s eyes were boring into the side of my face as I played, coincidentally, Green Eyes by Coldplay. It felt strange since nobody ever stopped and payed attention before. I dare to say that it felt like one of those romantic movies where someone keeps admiring the other one for something they did but that could just be me deluding myself as always. I liked that, the attention, the feeling that that action mattered enough for someone to stop and listen. I didn’t sing, it was just the melody and Lauren didn’t even like Coldplay, she didn’t know the song. I had learned it a few days back and if you play an instrument you should know that when you learn something new you get addicted to playing it until you can’t stand it anymore, and the fact that Green Eyes was the song at the time was one that I had to secretly enjoy, given that it only made sense to me.
Lauren (10:04 pm): Fuuuuuckk
Camila (10:06 pm): did you find it?
Lauren (10:07 pm): i diiiid
Camila (10:12 pm): I’m making my bed and will be there in a minute
Lauren (10:16 pm): hurry up
Lauren (10:18 pm): do you have any food there?
Lauren (10:18 pm): forget it
Lauren (10:18 pm): i’ll make popcorn
On the other hand, that night wasn’t good for me. I was feeling a little bit odd, like some type of agony was constantly haunting me for some reason and I hated that. Oddly enough, I used to feel like that a lot. Lauren was my only refuge at the time and even she couldn’t take that away from me. On that day her roommate was home and it wouldn’t be nice of me to sleep there, so I just sucked it up and went back to my room to ‘suffer’ alone.
Lauren (1:24 am): do you want me to stay with you?
Lauren (1:24 am): so you won’t have to be alone?
Camila (1:28 am): you don’t need to
Camila (1:28 am): only if you really want to
Camila (1:28 am): i’m heading to bed
Lauren (1:28 am): i worry about you
Lauren (1:28 am): i don’t like to see you like that
Lauren (1:28 am): :(
Camila (1:28 am): neither do i
Camila (1:28 am): but it’ll pass when i sleep
Lauren (1:30 am): if you have your mind full of stuff, idk, try not to think about anything, don’t think about things that will make you feel down, think about good thing, think about how at this time next week we’ll be in orlando haha
Lauren (1:31 am): cheer up, the more you think about how it’s bad the more you’ll be down, you have to change that energy
Lauren (1:31 am): pretty pleeease
Camila (1:32 am): lol
Camila (1:32 am): i told you, it’ll passa when i sleep
Camila (1:32 am): i’m trying not to think of anything
Lauren (1:33 am): okay then
Lauren (1:33 am): i just wanted to cheer you up
Lauren (1:33 am): haha but sometimes i’m not really good at it
Lauren (1:33 am): you know i’m here if you need me, if you’re heading to bed i’m gonna go too, but if you can’t sleep text me and will stay there with you, okay?
Camila (1:34 am): you’re amazing
Camila (1:34 am): i’ll text you, don’t worry
Camila (1:34 am): i have to sleep bc i have to finish the paper tomorrow
Camila (1:35 am): and i’m worried bc i can’t do anything
Lauren (1:35 am): tell me something i don’t know
Camila (1:37 am): i’ll try to sleep
Camila (1:37 am): i’m really worried about tomorrow, bye
Lauren (1:38 am): stop worrying about things
Lauren (1:38 am): you just suffer in anticipation
Lauren (1:38 am): seriously camz, stop that, i’m not kidding now
Lauren (1:38 am): don’t suffer in anticipation, everything will be fine, you’ll manage to do everything in time and you know you can do that
Lauren (1:38 am): rest and stop filling your head with stuff
Lauren (1:38 am): I’m gonna go too
Lauren (1:38 am): PRAY BEFORE YOU SLEEP
Camila (1:39 am): :( :(
Camila (1:40 am): so, i hope tomorrow this feeling will be gone and i manage to do my things
Lauren (1:40 am): it will be gone
Lauren (1:40 am): now don’t talk about that no more
Lauren (1:40 am): have a nice rest
Camila (1:43 am): sleep well
Lauren (1:43 am): you too, miss
Lauren (1:43 am): you know, anything you need just call me
Camila (1:44 am): ok ok
On that eventful night, Pam brought a guy to sleep there. I woke up in the middle of the night just in time to witness their wild sex from my bed. Of course she didn’t know I was awake and I surely tried not to look and not to move the entire time, but I have to say I’ve never felt so disrespected. Not just because she was having sex with me in there, which is just as wrong, but because they were loud and honestly didn’t even care about having another person there. I was aware of these experiences when you live in a dorm, and I wouldn’t say that this could never be me in her place one day, but the way she did it was just disrespectful in so many ways. Let me tell you that one should not be forced to witness a sexual encounter of any kind against their will. She didn’t try to be discrete to not wake me up or just for self respect, for the matter. I woke up so confused and lost until I managed to understand what was happening and staying there until it was all over. They even did it standing right next to my bed. Not to say that I told her before that she could ask for the room if she wanted to bring someone and I would just disappear in a heartbeat. Should’ve known better by then that she would never. Not to mention that after they were done and fell asleep, the guy’s friends were banging at my door and I almost had a heart attack in my sleep and until this day I can’t understand how Ally whose room was just in front of mine or anybody in that hallway for that matter, didn’t wake up with the noise because I can assure you that it seemed like the building was going down. I still can’t figure out what those people in that dorm had in excuse for a brain because it seemed like they were raised in the jungle with wild animals and did not know how to live in society whatsoever. It was the perfect end to a perfect night. If only I had stayed with Lauren…
On the next day I was eager to tell everything to the girls, in detail. I even noticed the stain on the floor right where they were fucking next to my bed. They, of course, told me to tell my mentor about the situation and demand to change rooms. It wasn’t the first time that she messed up and this time was the last drop of water. I wouldn’t say anything to her face though, I would simply move out and not even bother with her presence ever again.
“You should’ve stood up and yelled to scare the shit out of them, that’s what I would do,” said Dinah, who was probably more pissed than me about the whole situation.
“Dinah, I was so fucking scared, I could never do that. All I thought about was to stay put until it was over.”
I wondered for a moment if I was being a prude or something like that, these things happened to a lot of people in college so maybe I was just being an idiot. But all of the girls, including Lauren who was just as dumbfounded as Dinah and Ally, agreed that this was unacceptable, so it made me feel better about myself. In fact, I was probably the most relaxed about everything. I just didn’t want to see Pam in front of me and didn’t want to sleep there again in fear that she would do that again now that she knows I was ‘sleeping’ the entire time and won’t say a word about it. I was also afraid to see Pamela around or even the guy, which I didn’t know whom he was and spent like a month trying to figure out just by the shape of his shadow I saw on that fateful night, because I felt like they knew I knew what they’ve done.
“I just can’t sleep there tonight, can I stay with one of you guys for a while, until we come back from Disney at least?”
“Sure, you can stay with me Camz, I’ll tell Julia about the situation and I’m sure she’ll be fine with that,” Lauren pronounced like I knew she would. On the following days I managed to talk to my mentor and she said she would set up a meeting with some other woman that was supposed to put me somewhere else. We only had less than a week before our trip to Orlando and those specific days were probably among the best ones I’d had since I got there, my sadness and anxiety decreased in frequency and I always had something to look foward, or better yet, someone.
I slept in Lauren’s room everyday, literally glued to her and of course a few make out sessions here and there. My pillow and backpack found a permanent home in the confines of her room. The conversations we had before we drifted to sleep were the best, we would literally spend an hour or so just talking about the most random things, and she usually put some music on too. I even convinced her to listen to John Mayer one day when I was too agitated to sleep and his music would certainly calm me down. I knew Lauren didn’t know him nor did she like his songs and that she always listened to the same music over and over (which bugged me a lot I may add), so it was another proof that she was doing this for me in some way.I remember this kiss where she finished it by distributing numerous little kisses all over my face that made my knees weak and I would have fallen to the floor if I wasn’t laying on the bed. Oh, and that other time she called me a tick, yes, a tick, because I just couldn’t help but cuddle and kiss her.
“Come here, I just wanna be close to you.”
“Camila, go to sleep babe, you always do that,” Lauren said, giggling at the same time. She had her back turned to me and I was just hypnotized by her exposed nape. It was impossible to stay away with her this close to me and I felt like a horny teenager the entire time, but I was honestly just trying to be closer to her. She knew that nothing more than a kiss would happen yet, or so I like to think.
“Well I can’t help it and I can’t help that you don’t like neck kisses.”
“I do like neck kisses, you’re just too much sometimes. You’re like a little tick that keeps cuddling me all the time!”
“I can’t believe you just called me a tick!” And that was my cue to stop and just go to sleep. She seemed like she honestly didn’t want me to do anything and I knew really well when to leave someone to be if what I’m doing or saying is bothering them. Also, she called me a tick when I was just being loving and caring. I wasn’t mad or anything, you just feel a little odd when someone turns you down. I turned to the wall and closed my eyes in a childish attempt to turn down my hormones and thoughts. Also, who doesn’t like neck kisses? I can’t imagine it, can’t relate.
“Camz, come back here! Come on you know I didn’t mean it like that. Come here my little tick.” Lauren was giggling the entire time because of my pretended annoyance and used her baby voice to lessen the damage she had done, and maybe she didn’t want me to leave her alone for real. She tried to pull me back and I think she couldn’t see me fighting the smile that kept trying to land on my lips, but all we got was me turning back from the wall and a few smiles here and there, she had ruined the mood anyway. Those were the best moments where I was truly happy despite all the shit with my roommate, my family, and my unbalanced mental health. Everything was fine and we’d be at Disney soon enough with me and Lauren in the best place we could be. Little did I know…
A/N: yoo it’s been so long. I was just so busy with college and life and had no motivation at all to write this story for so many reasons that i might explain when i finish it (also this 5H x camila drama just makes me want to stay away from this giant mess they’re creating becuase my ot5 heart can’t take it) and I still don’t have any motivation lol but here i am. BUT, on the other hand, i wrote another camren one shot called ‘at first’ based on strangers, i’m really proud of what i did with that and how my writing improved compared to this story, so if you want to, you can check it out here and here. I promise i’ll try to update faster so i can finish this shit asap.
She was still a mess, I’d never seen somebody in that state after drinking. She told me about the meeting and something about Ally not even wearing a bra after being woken up suddenly to the fucking meeting.
Camila (07:59 pm): can i come by?
Camila (07:59 pm): or you want to come here?
Lauren (07:59 pm): come over babe
Lauren (08:00 pm): whichever you prefer
Lauren (08:00 pm): Julia is not coming back any time soon
Lauren (08:00 pm): she was dressing up and i think she’s going out
Camila (08:00 pm): coming
-
On the next day, when I took too long to reply to her texts because I was practicing a song, Lauren came to my room and watched me play the guitar, and the best part is that she went there on her own because she missed my company, I guess. I’ve played to my friends countless times before, but in this particular situation Lauren’s eyes were boring into the side of my face as I played, coincidentally, Green Eyes by Coldplay. It felt strange since nobody ever stopped and payed attention before. I dare to say that it felt like one of those romantic movies where someone keeps admiring the other one for something they did but that could just be me deluding myself as always. I liked that, the attention, the feeling that that action mattered enough for someone to stop and listen. I didn’t sing, it was just the melody and Lauren didn’t even like Coldplay, she didn’t know the song. I had learned it a few days back and if you play an instrument you should know that when you learn something new you get addicted to playing it until you can’t stand it anymore, and the fact that Green Eyes was the song at the time was one that I had to secretly enjoy, given that it only made sense to me.
Lauren (10:04 pm): Fuuuuuckk
Camila (10:06 pm): did you find it?
Lauren (10:07 pm): i diiiid
Camila (10:12 pm): I’m making my bed and will be there in a minute
Lauren (10:16 pm): hurry up
Lauren (10:18 pm): do you have any food there?
Lauren (10:18 pm): forget it
Lauren (10:18 pm): i’ll make popcorn
On the other hand, that night wasn’t good for me. I was feeling a little bit odd, like some type of agony was constantly haunting me for some reason and I hated that. Oddly enough, I used to feel like that a lot. Lauren was my only refuge at the time and even she couldn’t take that away from me. On that day her roommate was home and it wouldn’t be nice of me to sleep there, so I just sucked it up and went back to my room to ‘suffer’ alone.
Lauren (1:24 am): do you want me to stay with you?
Lauren (1:24 am): so you won’t have to be alone?
Camila (1:28 am): you don’t need to
Camila (1:28 am): only if you really want to
Camila (1:28 am): i’m heading to bed
Lauren (1:28 am): i worry about you
Lauren (1:28 am): i don’t like to see you like that
Lauren (1:28 am): :(
Camila (1:28 am): neither do i
Camila (1:28 am): but it’ll pass when i sleep
Lauren (1:30 am): if you have your mind full of stuff, idk, try not to think about anything, don’t think about things that will make you feel down, think about good thing, think about how at this time next week we’ll be in orlando haha
Lauren (1:31 am): cheer up, the more you think about how it’s bad the more you’ll be down, you have to change that energy
Lauren (1:31 am): pretty pleeease
Camila (1:32 am): lol
Camila (1:32 am): i told you, it’ll passa when i sleep
Camila (1:32 am): i’m trying not to think of anything
Lauren (1:33 am): okay then
Lauren (1:33 am): i just wanted to cheer you up
Lauren (1:33 am): haha but sometimes i’m not really good at it
Lauren (1:33 am): you know i’m here if you need me, if you’re heading to bed i’m gonna go too, but if you can’t sleep text me and will stay there with you, okay?
Camila (1:34 am): you’re amazing
Camila (1:34 am): i’ll text you, don’t worry
Camila (1:34 am): i have to sleep bc i have to finish the paper tomorrow
Camila (1:35 am): and i’m worried bc i can’t do anything
Lauren (1:35 am): tell me something i don’t know
Camila (1:37 am): i’ll try to sleep
Camila (1:37 am): i’m really worried about tomorrow, bye
Lauren (1:38 am): stop worrying about things
Lauren (1:38 am): you just suffer in anticipation
Lauren (1:38 am): seriously camz, stop that, i’m not kidding now
Lauren (1:38 am): don’t suffer in anticipation, everything will be fine, you’ll manage to do everything in time and you know you can do that
Lauren (1:38 am): rest and stop filling your head with stuff
Lauren (1:38 am): I’m gonna go too
Lauren (1:38 am): PRAY BEFORE YOU SLEEP
Camila (1:39 am): :( :(
Camila (1:40 am): so, i hope tomorrow this feeling will be gone and i manage to do my things
Lauren (1:40 am): it will be gone
Lauren (1:40 am): now don’t talk about that no more
Lauren (1:40 am): have a nice rest
Camila (1:43 am): sleep well
Lauren (1:43 am): you too, miss
Lauren (1:43 am): you know, anything you need just call me
Camila (1:44 am): ok ok
On that eventful night, Pam brought a guy to sleep there. I woke up in the middle of the night just in time to witness their wild sex from my bed. Of course she didn’t know I was awake and I surely tried not to look and not to move the entire time, but I have to say I’ve never felt so disrespected. Not just because she was having sex with me in there, which is just as wrong, but because they were loud and honestly didn’t even care about having another person there. I was aware of these experiences when you live in a dorm, and I wouldn’t say that this could never be me in her place one day, but the way she did it was just disrespectful in so many ways. Let me tell you that one should not be forced to witness a sexual encounter of any kind against their will. She didn’t try to be discrete to not wake me up or just for self respect, for the matter. I woke up so confused and lost until I managed to understand what was happening and staying there until it was all over. They even did it standing right next to my bed. Not to say that I told her before that she could ask for the room if she wanted to bring someone and I would just disappear in a heartbeat. Should’ve known better by then that she would never. Not to mention that after they were done and fell asleep, the guy’s friends were banging at my door and I almost had a heart attack in my sleep and until this day I can’t understand how Ally whose room was just in front of mine or anybody in that hallway for that matter, didn’t wake up with the noise because I can assure you that it seemed like the building was going down. I still can’t figure out what those people in that dorm had in excuse for a brain because it seemed like they were raised in the jungle with wild animals and did not know how to live in society whatsoever. It was the perfect end to a perfect night. If only I had stayed with Lauren…
On the next day I was eager to tell everything to the girls, in detail. I even noticed the stain on the floor right where they were fucking next to my bed. They, of course, told me to tell my mentor about the situation and demand to change rooms. It wasn’t the first time that she messed up and this time was the last drop of water. I wouldn’t say anything to her face though, I would simply move out and not even bother with her presence ever again.
“You should’ve stood up and yelled to scare the shit out of them, that’s what I would do,” said Dinah, who was probably more pissed than me about the whole situation.
“Dinah, I was so fucking scared, I could never do that. All I thought about was to stay put until it was over.”
I wondered for a moment if I was being a prude or something like that, these things happened to a lot of people in college so maybe I was just being an idiot. But all of the girls, including Lauren who was just as dumbfounded as Dinah and Ally, agreed that this was unacceptable, so it made me feel better about myself. In fact, I was probably the most relaxed about everything. I just didn’t want to see Pam in front of me and didn’t want to sleep there again in fear that she would do that again now that she knows I was ‘sleeping’ the entire time and won’t say a word about it. I was also afraid to see Pamela around or even the guy, which I didn’t know whom he was and spent like a month trying to figure out just by the shape of his shadow I saw on that fateful night, because I felt like they knew I knew what they’ve done.
“I just can’t sleep there tonight, can I stay with one of you guys for a while, until we come back from Disney at least?”
“Sure, you can stay with me Camz, I’ll tell Julia about the situation and I’m sure she’ll be fine with that,” Lauren pronounced like I knew she would. On the following days I managed to talk to my mentor and she said she would set up a meeting with some other woman that was supposed to put me somewhere else. We only had less than a week before our trip to Orlando and those specific days were probably among the best ones I’d had since I got there, my sadness and anxiety decreased in frequency and I always had something to look foward, or better yet, someone.
I slept in Lauren’s room everyday, literally glued to her and of course a few make out sessions here and there. My pillow and backpack found a permanent home in the confines of her room. The conversations we had before we drifted to sleep were the best, we would literally spend an hour or so just talking about the most random things, and she usually put some music on too. I even convinced her to listen to John Mayer one day when I was too agitated to sleep and his music would certainly calm me down. I knew Lauren didn’t know him nor did she like his songs and that she always listened to the same music over and over (which bugged me a lot I may add), so it was another proof that she was doing this for me in some way.I remember this kiss where she finished it by distributing numerous little kisses all over my face that made my knees weak and I would have fallen to the floor if I wasn’t laying on the bed. Oh, and that other time she called me a tick, yes, a tick, because I just couldn’t help but cuddle and kiss her.
“Come here, I just wanna be close to you.”
“Camila, go to sleep babe, you always do that,” Lauren said, giggling at the same time. She had her back turned to me and I was just hypnotized by her exposed nape. It was impossible to stay away with her this close to me and I felt like a horny teenager the entire time, but I was honestly just trying to be closer to her. She knew that nothing more than a kiss would happen yet, or so I like to think.
“Well I can’t help it and I can’t help that you don’t like neck kisses.”
“I do like neck kisses, you’re just too much sometimes. You’re like a little tick that keeps cuddling me all the time!”
“I can’t believe you just called me a tick!” And that was my cue to stop and just go to sleep. She seemed like she honestly didn’t want me to do anything and I knew really well when to leave someone to be if what I’m doing or saying is bothering them. Also, she called me a tick when I was just being loving and caring. I wasn’t mad or anything, you just feel a little odd when someone turns you down. I turned to the wall and closed my eyes in a childish attempt to turn down my hormones and thoughts. Also, who doesn’t like neck kisses? I can’t imagine it, can’t relate.
“Camz, come back here! Come on you know I didn’t mean it like that. Come here my little tick.” Lauren was giggling the entire time because of my pretended annoyance and used her baby voice to lessen the damage she had done, and maybe she didn’t want me to leave her alone for real. She tried to pull me back and I think she couldn’t see me fighting the smile that kept trying to land on my lips, but all we got was me turning back from the wall and a few smiles here and there, she had ruined the mood anyway. Those were the best moments where I was truly happy despite all the shit with my roommate, my family, and my unbalanced mental health. Everything was fine and we’d be at Disney soon enough with me and Lauren in the best place we could be. Little did I know…
A/N: yoo it’s been so long. I was just so busy with college and life and had no motivation at all to write this story for so many reasons that i might explain when i finish it (also this 5H x camila drama just makes me want to stay away from this giant mess they’re creating becuase my ot5 heart can’t take it) and I still don’t have any motivation lol but here i am. BUT, on the other hand, i wrote another camren one shot called ‘at first’ based on strangers, i’m really proud of what i did with that and how my writing improved compared to this story, so if you want to, you can check it out here and here. I promise i’ll try to update faster so i can finish this shit asap.
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Eunwoo’s vLIVE: ‘VOICE ONLY’ English Trans.
Hi~ I saw a lot posts here and there asking about vlive subs, I tried to look for some but there weren’t any yet. Honestly I’m have 0 experience making subbed videos so I just typed up the translations separately instead, hopefully you can follow along with this while listening to the audio! Keep Reading for translations, please do not copy/repost w/o credit.
Love you all<3 - Katie/Min.
Cha Eunwoo’s “Just one 10 minutes”
ASTRO vLive ‘VOICE ONLY’ 170313
0:00
Hello, hello!
Hello, VAPP! Hi~
Hi hi.
What is everyone doing?
0:26
Hi hi~
Heeeelllooooooo
00:36
It’s 12:21 right now,
1,2, 2, 1
0:43
Looking at the comments, there’s a lot of people asking to show my face, but right now, um..
Binnie is sleeping and the lights are out
1:08
But it’s been awhile since we did a V LIVE
So I turned this on.
1:16
I can’t speak loudly~!
1:21
Right now, Binnie is in a deep sleep (**kokonehneh is a phrase that EW uses to describe what MB is doing; its a phrase used when saying that babies are sleeping SO CUTEEEE)
*laughs*
Luckliy, he’s not snoring *laughs*
1:34:
What is everyone doing?
What are you doing~?
1:44
No, we can’t fool around
1:47
We had choreography/dance practice since early this morning
It must be why we?’re so tired
1:56:
*gasp*
Getting ready to go to school? (I’m assuming he’s looking at comments)
We…. are preparing this and that..
Hm..
We have to release our new album coolly and proudly, so we are also preparing for that
2:19
We are also preparing for any future activities abroad that there may be
For the activities abroad that we have next week
2:28
I’m also doing Music Core
OH! Right!
The good thing about Music Core is that I’m not going to be there next week..
Today is Sunday so it was yesterday right?
Since I won’t be there next week we recorded it yesterday and it will be aired next week
So it was very…
Bin is snoring.
So I was very lucky.
2:57
I’m the lucky guy Cha Eunwoo.
3:00
Lucky. Lucky. Lucky lucky lookie lookie lucky lucky (***I’m not sure if he’s saying lucky or lookie or rookie or rocky at this point sorry.. is he singing ROOKIE? LOL)
3:07
*laughs and continues lookie lucky rocky lucky lucky lucky*
3:14
I’m not sure if the other members are sleeping or not
They seem like they’re sleeping, but it also seems like they’re not
3:21
Bin is definitely sleeping
3:31
OH!
Someone left a comment that it feels like they’re listening to the radio
3:28
One of my future dreams is to try radio broadcast DJ
3:44
I would like to try that.
3:45
*reading comment* Are you with Binnie-oppa?
Yes, I’m with Binnie
3:50
*reading comment* What if Binnie wakes up?
That’s why I’m quietly doing this voice only.
3:57
Ah, work tomorrow?
Yes.
4:02
Mmm~
4:05
Right, today’s March 13th..
March 15th is Jinjin-hyung’s birthday,
the 21st is Sanha’s birthday,
4:18
*laughs* The 19th, it’s our manager’s birthday
And on the 31st,
bumbubmbubmbmbmbmbmbbmam
4:21
Our Mr. Cha Eunwoo’s birthday
*laughs*
4:37
Um
4:41
Right
4:42
The days are going by so fast
OH I didn’t mean to talk about birthdays originally
4:48
Since its March, it’s the season of the new school year
So people who advanced into our school or people who were promoted
5:00
And people who are currently working, please be well
*MB WAKES UP*
5:03
MB: BE QUIEEETTT
EW: !!!
silence
5:10
EW: What the
5:13
MB: Let’s sleep, let’s sleep
*EW laughs*
5:24
EW: Did you wake up?
*MB mumbles something* (sorry I couldn’t catch what he said clearly)
5:28
EW: Surprised… You wouldn’t even know if someone carried you away
MB: Aiii what are you doing
*EW laughs*
5:35
EW: I’m doing V APP right now. Since you woke up, say hi
MB: What.. what?
EW: V APP, there’s this thing called VOICE ONLY
MB: You’re doing that with the lights off??
5:49
EW: You were sleeping so I turned the lights off before
MB: Then you can’t see anything!
EW: Yeah so on VOICE ONLY, only your voice comes out. Since there’s that I thought I would do it for the first time in awhile
6:05
EW: But you woke up *laughing*
MB: Why are you doing it heeeerrreeeeeee
EW: I… I have to sleep too..
6:12
MB: ugh really
EW: Say hi, quickly, greet them
MB: Hello~
6:17
EW: Can everyone hear this? Binnie woke up
*MB mumbles something and EW laughs, replies*
6:26
EW: Should I come up?
MB: Are you telling me to do it in this state??
EW: Yup
*EW goes up to MB’s bunk, I think*
6:31
MB: wow unbelievable
6:36
MB: WOOOOW
MB: There’s a feature like this? (referring to VOICE ONLY on V APP)
*EW is still moving around*
6:38
MB: Wow, oooh
*someone laughs*
6:44
EW: Since Binnie woke up..
6:50
EW: This isn’t what I pictured in my head..
6:53
MB: Hello~ So there’s this thing called VOICE ONLY. This is interesting.
EW: Look at this, I was going to do this before *shows MB*
MB: What, oh is this a voice changer?
*voice change*
7:06
???: Hello~ Is this working?
???: Hello~
(from here on I guessed who was speaking based on what they said/ their speaking habits.)
MB: He woke me up.
*laughing*
7:15
EW: I’m Cha Eunwoo
MB: Ah… What were you talking about before?
EW: Me?
MB: Mm
*another voice change*
EW: What I was saying before was… what was I saying before?
7:30
EW: You… this right now.. Do you guys hear the robot voice (yes, dongmin, we hear it)
7:37
EW: Robot voice… It sounds like MJ-hyung’s voice (LOL)
*laughing*
7:44
EW: Does it sound like MJ-hyung’s voice?
7:47
*reading comment*
EW: Ah a criminal… This is not a criminal’s voice
EW: Oh right yesterday I had a dream, I committed a crime
MB: Really?
EW: I committed a crime but I wasn’t caught, I was so surprised
8:00
EW: Me? I don’t know, I was getting chased after committing some sort of crime
MB: Mm
8:06
EW: Not me but some other person got caught (LOL)
MB: You framed him
*voice returns to normal*
MB: I had a dream too, but in mine, a baby cat
EW: Baby cat??
MB: It came out in my dream, and another came out
EW: What?
MB: What I mean is that a kitten had another kitten
EW: So what you’re saying is that the kitten gave birth to another kitten?
MB: Yeah
*EW laughs*
8:29
MB: But I researched on the internet, they say that kittens in dreams is a good sign, but in my dream the kitten gave birth to another kitten
EW: So isn’t that good x2?
MB: But I have no idea what it is
8:40
MB: But after dreaming that dream I thought about wanting to raise a cat
8:45
EW: Cat? Cats are..
8:46
EW: Is it dogs?? Or is it cats? That you have allergy to?
MB: No it’s dog fur, but I think I just have an allergy to fur in general
EW: Then you can’t raise a cat lol
MB: But if you like the pet you can raise it anyways
8:58
MB: Honestly I do want a dog to
EW: Me too
MB: We can’t keep it in our dorm
EW: Yes we can’t keep it in the dorm
9:03
EW: It wouldn’t be nice for the kitten
MB: No, it could be okay for cats, cats are usually solitary
9:10
EW: Are there any animals that clean for you
MB: Animals that clean for you…..
*LOL*
9:17
EW: There is, there’s the magic cat
MB: Riiiight~
EW: Like if you watch animations and stuff
MB: They come out in things like Harry Potter
9:23
EW: Then in your dream.. Then in the dream I dreamt… Is committing a crime a bad dream?
9:29
MB: That.. Wouldn’t that just be.. a useless dream?
*laughing*
9:34
EW: But I wasn’t caught, a different person was caught
9:38
MB: Oh it could be that… What is it.. What do you call that? A prediction (direct translation from what MB said, yejimong, would be a dream of foretelling)
EW: PREDICTION?
*LAUGHING*
9:46
EW: No its nooootttt
9:48
MB: It’s not a good thing!
EW: It’s not a prediction
9:50
MB: But since you dream dreams subconsciously, the things you think about consciously are supposedly projected into what you dream.
9:57
EW: No it’s not, aren’t dreams the opposite??
MB: No, that’s when you’re younger
10:02
EW: Yes so let’s just maintain that we’re still young
MB: It’s all because you watch too many movies
10:07
MB: It’s because you watch too many dramas and movies
EW: I know.. Ah.. movies… Is it because I watch VOICE these days?? (**voice is a kdrama that just ended last week, starring jang hyuk, if you get scared easily i suggest you not watch it or watch with someone bc it can get a bit startling but its SO GOOD WATCH IT)
MB: It could be that
EW: YEAH, It’s because I watch voice these days!
10:16
MB: I told you, the things you think about and see a lot appear in your dreams
10:19
EW: I’m telling you, VOICE is approaching the climax right now
MB: Is it fun?
10:22
EW: It’s so fun.. (**direct translation: eunwoo said ggooljam, which is a slang word to describe something super fun/enjoyable, but ggool also means honey in korean which explains what he says next/ wordplay lol)
EW: Super fun~~ Honey jam~~
10:28
EW: So.. what was it.. What I was talking about before.. Since it’s March, all the people entering school or working at this time, is everyone doing well?
10:47
MB: Right, March is when everything starts, school is starting
10:53:
MB: They’re entering school and the new school year is starting,
EW: That’s right
MB: All of you are going to do well
11:04
MB: Make lots of new friends, and have passion for studies, and chase after the dreams that you desire
*EW laughs*
11:11
MB: I did not focus on my studies, but I worked hard for my dreams
11:19
EW: Everyone has their own thing
MB: Right.
11:21
EW: But in March, when we were in school,
11:28
EW: when we received our class assignments, who you were going to be in class with
MB: Ah, right, there was that, like “hey! what class are you in,” haha
11:37
EW: In high school, receiving class assignments was..
MB: It was nerve-wracking/exciting
11:44
MB: For me, when I was in middle school,
11:49
MB: I really wanted to go to Konkuk Middle School (a private school)
11:53
MB: The ones close to my house was Konkuk Middle School and Yongguk Middle School
12:00
MB: But from my class, I was the only one who made it to Konkuk
EW: Just you?
MB: From my class, yes
MB: I was like, “wow, daebak,” and went
12:09
MB: It was really fun
EW: Did you do the first choice thing?
MB: I put Konkuk Middle as my first choice, and Yongguk as my second.
12:16
EW: High school, what about high school?
12:17
MB: For high school, I think I just went to the one I wrote?
EW: You went to the school you wrote down? (to my understanding you have to apply for special high schools and on an application I think you write down the schools you’d want to attend in the order of preference, it’s tough to get into your first choice school if there’s a lot of competition)
MB: Yup
12:21
MB: Yeah, so I went to.. I suddenly forgot the name of the high school
12:24
EW: You went there, Seowon
MB: No, that’s where I transferred to
EW: Then it’s there
MB: mine..
*LOL*
12:33
EW: You.. you.. wait, you told me
12:37
MB: Ah, what school was it?? It had a courtyard
12:41
EW: I have no idea
12:42
EW: I wrote Suri High School as 1st and went there
MB: Right, you were Suri High
12:56
EW: Bin is an idiot
MB: No I’m not
EW: He doesn’t even know what high school he went to
13:01
EW: Waking up in the middle of sleeping..
13:06
MB: Oh its Jayang High School
EW: Right right, Jayang High School
MB: It’s a very good school, there’s grass in the front
EW: I’m jealous, I want to play soccer
13:14
MB: There could be people watching this V LIVE right now who went to the schools we went to..
EW: Students?
MB: Yeah, Konkuk Middle, Seowon High, Jayang High, Hanlim Arts, there could be.
EW: I’m Suri Middle School, Suri High School, Hanlim Arts…
13:33
MB: There’s Hanlim too?
*reading comments*
MB: me, me, me
EW: There’s someone from Konkuk
13:41
EW: They said they go to a school with grass in the front
13:44
EW: Wow
13:46
EW: Hwaiting.. Baekwun Middle School? Isn’t that where Sanha went?
MB: Oh Baekwun is Sanha
MB: Oh but we went there and did a performance too
EW: There’s a Baekwun Middle School in my neighborhood too though, there’s one near Euiwang too
14:00
MB: Cheongju Cheongju
EW: Cheongju… Sungdae?
MB: Sungdae?
14:06
EW: I don’t know the comment with Sungdae already passed (sungdae is an abbreviation referring to Sungkyungkwan University, where EW goes)
MB: They said that they want to go to Sungdae
EW: Come~
*laughing*
14:16
MB: You have to escort them, when they come in as a first year
EW: Newbie?
MB: As a student leader
14:25
EW: When I first went in as a newbie, Namjoo sunbaenim helped me out (***namjoo from APINK<3, also goes to Sungkyungkwan)
MB: oh
EW: So I was very thankful
14:35
MB: I have to go to college now too
14:40
*reading comment*
MB: If i go to Sungkyungkwan can I see Eunwoo
EW: YES~ (omg this dork)
*LAUGHING*
MB: What do you mean yes? You don’t go often
EW: No~
14:51
MB: They asked if you’re already in college
EW: Me, yes…
14:57
EW: I transferred
15:01
EW: *reading comment* Do you two have to share a room by yourselves
EW: Me and… Our reality show, what was the title again?
MB: *laughing* OK! Ready,
15:08
EW: When we did OK! Ready, we played a game. Bin and I became partners, and the rest of them… The two of us won the game right?
MB: Yup
EW: We won, so we go to choose the room we wanted, so Bin and I now use the same room and the other four share one
15:24
EW: Truthfully, the hyungs did say that they wanted to use this room, but there would be so much stuff we’d have to move if we changed rooms that way
MB: Right.
EW: We kept saying, “Should we change? Do you want to switch? Switch? Switch?” And now we’re here still like this
MB: That’s right.
15:45
EW: And we’re here now
15:49
EW: The time is 12:36
15:54
EW: We’re pretty nocturnal
MB: Yes, but I’m… You woke me up.
16:00
EW: We’ll sleep soon, after finishing this
EW: Everyone, you should sleep now
16:05
MB: He’s right~ Baby goodnight~
EW: Baby goodnight?
MB: *singing* baby goodnight~
EW: yeah
*singing together* baby goodnight~~~~
*singing*
16:19
EW: Should we each give one song recommendation and then say our goodbyes?
MB: Okay.
16:24
EW: Bin first.
MB: Me? I should do something different.
EW: You’re not going to do Baby Goodnight?
MB: I just sang that.
EW: but Baby Goodnight..
16:31
MB: Ah, instead of baby goodnight
EW: Baby Goodnight is a good song though
MB: It’s a good song, Big Bang sunbaenim~
16:37
MB: Then I’ll.. You do it first you first
EW: Me? Ah.. What should I do??
16:42
EW: For me… Um… For me…
16:51
EW: I might be a bit late on this, but not long ago… Can I do two songs?
MB: Yes
17:00
MB: I’ll go first
MB: I should go first… No you go first and then I’ll go
17:04
EW: Before in the practice room, what did we listen to.. The OST of the drama Scarlet Heart Ryeo..
17:13
EW: And EXO-sunbaenim’s For You (너를위해)
*sings*
EW: It’s really good.
*MB sings*
EW: Yes yes, that one
*still singing*
17:34
EW: When I hear “For You” I think of Im Jaebum- sunbaenim’s song, but this song is good too
MB: It’s good~
17:40
EW: You go
MB: Love like Oxygen by Shinee-sunbaenim
EW: Love like Oxygen, that’s very
*sings*
17:50
EW: Isn’t that a song from their earlier days?
MB: Yes, but I like all of Shinee’s songs
EW: Yes they’re good
*sings*
17:58
EW: When we were trainees, when we were getting judged (during trainee tests), we did Shinee’s Aside
MB: Right
18:06
EW: What was the refrain?
*sings*
EW: oh right
*sings* (BINUUUUUUU lol they’re honestly so adorable i’m dead)
18:22
EW: Right, Aside
*still singing*
18:25
MB: I have to sing this later
EW: Let’s do it when we have the chance
18:30
MB: One more
EW: One more.. this one is good to listen to when going to sleep
18:42
EW: Ryeowook-sunbaenim’s Little Prince
MB: Ah, Little Prince
*sings*
18:51
EW: Don’t!
18:53
EW: Little Prince, in the beginning the voice comes in pretty much without an interlude, it makes you focus on just the voice when you’re sleeping
19:07
MB: Me too, the last one
EW: Do one more
19:11
MB: This is a song that I like, the only lyrics it has is “I can’t forget” (**only lyrics are 잊지못해)
*EW singing in background*
MB: 4MEN-sunbaenim’s Can’t Forget
19:21
MB: The piano sound, ah, no, the guitar sound, I really like it
19:27
MB: You should all give it a listen. Can’t Forget.
EW: I also listened to it because Binnie told me to, the guitar plays arpeggios, it really pulls you in
19:40
MB: 4MEN sunbaenim’s Can’t Forget.
19:43
EW: Everyone, it’s 12:40 now. Usually…
19:48
EW: There’s probably people who sleep late too.. but it’s late now, so for now, Binnie… since I woke him up, I should put him back to sleep.
20:02
EW: So, Cha-night~
EW: You too, do Moon-night~
20:07
MB: Moon-night~~
*laughing
20:10
EW: Bye bye
MB: Bye bye
EW: Everyone, please sleep well
MB: Bye bye bye~~
EW: Goodnight~ Bye bye~
#astro#eunwoo#moonbin#vlive#vapp#voice only#170313#aroha#fantagio#kpop#recording#engsub#jinjin#mj#rocky#sanha
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Brighton news: Potter has plenty of tricks up his sleeve ahead of surprise team bonding activity
Potter has many tricks in store while Brighton prepares for secret team-binding activity after winning at Watford
Brighton defeated a 3-0 win at Watford in Graham Potter & # 39; s first competition contest
The former Ostersunds manager instructed his team to prepare for a secret activity
& # 39; something happens in the afternoon & # 39 ;, Potter said
By By Kieran Gill for the Daily Mail] Published: 22:30 BST, 11 August 2019 | Updated: 23:06 BST, August 11, 2019
Glenn Murray screaming & # 39; The Romeo, Romeo & # 39; to Shane Duffy. Lewis Dunk tries to master the pirouette. Goalkeeper Mat Ryan with a Shakespeare skull instead of a football.
These are all possibilities for the players of Brighton . Graham Potter has instructed his team to appear on his training ground tomorrow to participate in an & # 39; indoor activity & # 39 ;.
Potter was notorious because he was theatrical in his old club Ostersunds. Quite literally, because he had his team participate in singing and ballet classes before performing Swan Lake on stage.
Brighton boss Graham Potter plans to take his team on get out of its comfort zone on Tuesday
In the name of team ties, players also learned to keep reindeer husbandry and to set up their own art exhibition. Now it's Brighton's turn to be taken out of their comfort zone.
& # 39; Tuesday night is a secret & # 39 ;, said Potter, who has a degree in leadership and emotional intelligence. "They know that something happens in the afternoon, and that's it.
" What we did in Ostersunds, it was part of what the club wanted to do, it was part of the identity there, part of the club's DNA. You have to be careful to throw things in.
& # 39; You must understand why you are doing something. The point is that we have a good basis and how we can improve that. We are just at the beginning of our journey. & # 39;
The Seagulls & # 39; £ 20 million signing of Neal Maupay netted during his league debut at Watford
Potter & # 39; s predecessor Chris Hughton was fired after he arrived to what he thought was a regular post-season meeting. He arrived ready to talk for signing sessions, but left unemployed.
Many feared that he would come back to bite Brighton, and it could still be, but this was a positive start.
Abdoulaye Doucoure's own goal got them started before two substitutes had completed the scoreline. First Florin Andone scored with his first touch, then £ 20 million by signing Neal Maupay made it 3-0.
Potter realizes that there is a long way to go. It helps that he is a great pessimist who would rather look at what could go wrong instead of daydreaming about 3-0 wins like this one.
Florin Andone also scored on Vicarage Road, the Brighton kick started their competition campaign
& # 39; I don't think too positive & # 39 ;, said the 44-year-old from Solihull. It's in my nature. Maybe you are thinking about how things could go well, but then you have to get rid of that quickly.
& # 39; The reaction of the players to how we want to work is fantastic. It worked perfectly. We scored three goals, kept a clean slate and the players deserve honor.
& # 39; Results help. If you don't get results in my profession, it's hard to convince people (of his philosophy). This was a good day. I am sure there will be days that are not so good. & # 39;
Worrying for Watford, they seem to have taken over their bad shape from the last Premier League season. They only won two of their last nine games in 2018-19, and they met champion-bound clubs Huddersfield and Fulham.
But Watford boss Javi Gracia gave admitted that his party still had enough work to do after the defeat
Javi Gracia worked to shake this hangover. & # 39; Many things, & # 39; Watford's boss said bluntly when asked what went wrong. Maybe it's a good wake-up call. No excuses. & # 39;
The Hornets hope that the additions of Danny Welbeck and Ismaila Sarr, their new £ 31 million summer sign, will give a shot in the arm. They need it.
Brighton's supporters came from Vicarage Road and sang: & # 39; We're going to win the competition. & # 39; Potter has wasted the team working on his magic.
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Under The Knife!
Link here: https://wordpress.com/splendidwandererb
- My bloody and painful experience -
On November 27, 2018, I was diagnosed with having Pelvic Endometriosis Stage IV, Bilateral Endometriotic Cyst and Acute Appendicitis. Just by thinking of these three, it already scares me as it led me to think of those large needles. Needless to say, a thin plastic tube (with a syringe at higher pressures) inserted into my vein or they called it “Intravenous Infusion".
This dilemma started way long ago, if my memory serves me right, when i was 21 years old. Every month I have been suffering menstrual cramps which occurred around the time that my menstruation begins. Pain is usually in my lower abdomen or in my pelvis. The pain was tolerable at first until such time I would just suddenly collapsed. Since then I decided to just take any pain reliever whenever this painful period attacks. Six years has passed and my body would not accept anymore one pain reliever during my menstruation so I had to take two pain relievers to ease the pain.
These past quad months of taking two pain relievers had directed me to go see a doctor, an OB-GYN, because I had thought that I am slowly killing myself with all these unprescribed medications.
October 23, 2018, I took a couple of laboratory tests, a week after, I got the results. The first result was interpreted by the doctor that very same week and the second result because I had to gather it from another laboratory office and the doctor as well was kind of busy-many scheduled appointments.
November 27, 2018 was the day both of us were available and also the day of another surprising interpretation of the second result. The doctor advised me to undergo a surgery as soon as possible before this gets worse.
Moreover, there was this one phrase I will never forget from the doctor, “We tend to wait for the things to get worse before we can get better”. With that said, I then decided to schedule for a bloody surgery.
December 04, 2018, I got admitted to the hospital in preparation for tomorrow’s operation.
December 05, 2018, this was the most terrifying, horrific, bloodshed/bloodbath day I could say. This was my first ever major operation in my entire life. I raised up my faith to God for my life, alive or not.
Around 01 PM, one doctor, one nurse, and one man who carried a stretcher brought me to the operating room. I was very nervous and dizzy super dizzy at that time. When we arrived at the hallway of the operating room, another doctor approached me, an Anesthesiologist and said not to worry, they will take care of me. Another two doctors approached me afterwards said everything will be fine, that I would only sleep and wake up totally fine. In spite of all the uplifting words the doctors have said, I was still very anxious and just zipped my mouth because no words could come out. Then four doctors and two nurses brought me into the operating room and I got scared four times scared when I saw all the apparatus inside the room, the operating lights that somehow summoned me to sleep and everything would turn out fine. Then the Anesthesiologist bade me to flip my body to the other side as he injected something which I did not even bother to know. I was full of disquietude at that moment then nothingness ---------------------------------------------.
One hour, two hours, three hours, four hours and so on has passed, I woke up around 09 PM and found myself in the recovery room (I asked the nurse who was seated right in front of me). The moment everything had sinked into my mind, I only found myself crying because I got out alive and no complications happened. (Two major operations, I would like to emphasize that). Clock has been ticking and still I could not move my two legs. 09 PM waiting turned out to be until 01 AM, December 06, 2018 waiting because they would not allow the patients to be delivered to the respective rooms until whole body could move.
Around 01:30 AM, December 06, 2018, I was brought finally to my room looking half-dead because of an excess loss of blood in the operation. They have transfused me 1 bag of blood in the operating room (as what my medical records stated) however when I got into my room I was still feeling dizzy and so pale-white. I felt like all my ancestors in heaven already have met me. (kidding aside)
December 07, 2018, Doctors visited me asking if I was okay, can breathe, in pain. Pretty much they asked me few same questions. My OB-GYN checked on me as well and asked if I was in pain, feeling dizzy and I said, “YES” so she asked one of the nurses to transfuse me one more bag of blood because I was so pale very pale. And another calvary of infusing again to my veins. I think my body now is syringe-needle-friendly.
December 08 and 09, 2018 – Recuperation Days!
December 10, 2018, the day when my doctor, an OB-GYN, informed me that I can now be discharged because I already can manage to walk.
December 11 and 12, 2018, the days when I felt like dying because of the huge bill, literally huge bill. I told myself that this is the perfect time to thicken my face and ask for any means of help whatever it takes.
These were the options I/we exhausted:
My Insurance – Checked
Asked Help from City Hall – I am not a voter in Cebu City. I am registered in the province.
Asked Options from the Doctors- Checked
Asked Help from my Colleagues at work – Checked Jasmine Payac Balbarona
Asked Help from TLs, OMs, HR and Site Director at work, Boss Jinggay Del thank you so much! I greatly appreciated your help. 🙂
Asked Help from my Love Dennis Götzenbrugger – I know this is not a proper way to say thank you in social media as public do not need to know ones’ private life but please just this time allow me to say THANK YOU for all the efforts, the help, the understandings, the love, the money € you have sent me just for me to be discharged 😭, everything you have done for me for almost a year now. I know that being in a long distance relationship is very hard and words could not express enough how grateful I am to have you. Just stay healthy and humble. I LOVE YOU! 😘😘😘
To those who visited me in the hospital, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!
To the one who fought legally 😁 OM Reva Reva Mae Camoro-Bacasmot, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
To my brothers Bob Prado Realino Garcia Prado who did not get enough sleep just to watch over me, taking care of me until now, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
And to those who prayed for my successful operation, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
God Bless us all! 😊😇😊
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nov: week one
06: i was not feeling motivated to work out this morning. my back ached and i was still sore from the massage and maybe a bit of whatever i did yesterday. kevin woke up early for work and i left to work out when he woke up. i did 30 minutes of cardio abs and kevin stopped by the yoga studio to say goodbye. (: then i got back, did a bit of work, showered, and made myself a smoothie for breakfast. we bought some sour patch kids + watermelon because it was 50% off at roche bros and now i want to eat them all the time but i feel like crap after i eat them lol. the sour and sweet makes my stomach feel real acidic. anyway, i snacked a bit and then snacked on edamame before eating lunch. i microwaved the leftover seafood pasta and finished off my shakshuka. i worked on creating training stuff today and then comcast had an outage lol. the website was real slow so i worked with it as best as possible. i could watch youtube videos just fine though o__o’ it got fixed after stand up ended and i finished up my training stuff and created a to-do list for tomorrow. i felt sluggish all day and wanted to nap.
i hopped into bed and ended up watching youtube videos until 5 pm and then i went to the yoga studio and did abs and a bit of cardio. i took a nice long shower when i got back and then made myself a smoothie. this peanut butter powder is nice and all because there’s less fat, but i don’t feel full after drinking my smoothie anymore. i might opt for real peanut butter in the morning and then powder after my evening workouts? hmm. anyway, after i drank my smoothie, i microwaved pulled chicken leftovers and made a english muffin with pulled chicken and leftover slaw for dinner. i still felt hungry but i made myself wait it out to see if i was actually hungry lol. i did eat a small square of chocolate though. then i spent the rest of the night watching anime :3 i watched 9 episodes (srs LOL) of season 2 of ‘kimi no todoke.’ i watched that much because i did not want to stop when the couple was still having misunderstandings. omg, i was so frustrated LOL. kevin got back at around 10:30 pm from his dinner with haoqi. he brought back leftover pulled pork and also got me banana pudding <333
i brushed and then hopped in bed with him while we just talked about our days and kind of future plans. i was pretty tired and he wanted to shower and eat dragon fruit lol. so i went to sleep. i woke up at some point to pee because i drank a lot of water before sleeping lol. i kind of scared kevin apparently ;P
07: man, i always wake up before my alarm rings nowadays. it’s not even consistent! i wake up at 7:15 am sometimes or 8 am sometimes, but i always wake up before it rings. -__-” sigh. well, i was wide awake before my alarm rang at 7;15 am today but i fell asleep and got up at 7:40 am. then i did some cardio hip hop because why not exercise the way you want to even if it’s not super intense? i’m backtracking on this whole doing hiit and weight lifting thing. it’s making me feel terrible. lol. i showered and then made myself a smoothie for breakfast. kevin was awake so i talked to him for a bit before heading out. no one was in the office on the product team side today. lol at least i’m in the office, right? the day went by fast then super slow. i wasn’t super busy during the day but i was pretty productive. i also managed to multitask and finish watching ‘kimi no todoke’ while working :DD this anime makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. i stopped by cole and john’s office and we talked about staying up late because of gaming / anime LOL. then i went back to work.
everyone left at around 4 pm or before 5 pm. i was the last one in the office because i had a client call from 4 pm to 5 pm. it got so dark outside so quickly x__x; the call ended right at 5 pm so i packed up and then headed out. i met with kevin at the train station and then ‘moderate delays’ hit. so many people were lined up to get on the train... we waited about 30-40 minutes to finally get on a train and it was hella packed. our commute home took more than an hour @_@; when we got back, we received our food52 zwilling ceramic skillet! ahhh, it’s so nice! we chilled for a bit before both of us cooked dinner. then we watched two episodes of yakitate! japan and then ate delicious beef stroganoff while watching! the sour cream in the stroganoff is probably what made me gassy later on in the evening lol. anyway, i talked to my mom for a bit and then kevin played a game of dota with jon. i stretched while watching the latest episode of ‘jane the virgin’ and then i just assumed i wouldn’t be gaming with kevin because he was playing dota for a long time lmao.
oh, i also enrolled into my employer benefits and then chilled on the couch for the rest of the night. i got really tired for some reason? i went to bed pretty early at 11:30 pm. i think i watched a bit of youtube in bed before ko’ing at around 11:50 pm. oh, i was actually looking at instagram and getting negative thoughts and feelings about it so i stopped and just went to sleep. haha.
08: i tried doing a 1 hour leg work out again. i also included some glute activation moves before i even used weights. by the time i was done with my workout, i was exhausted D: i don’t know if i like this... we’ll see. i got back and then kevin left for work. then i cooled off with a smoothie and then i showered. i felt very unmotivated in the morning but eventually got to working on recreating the pdfs for training. then i ate lunch while watching ‘gamers.’ :D it’s an odd anime so far... then i got on stand up and phil gave me an urgent task. i worked on that for the rest of the work day. kevin came back early after he ate lunch and got his flu shot. he brought me back some bark thins <333 then he went to get a haircut. the day went by super quickly. i got my new cushioned bombas in the mail and i hope they don’t rip T__T we’ll seee... kevin and i continued working until the end of the day and then i watched ‘GAMERS!’ while doing some personal errands. i don’t think i like this anime... everything is a big misunderstanding @_@;
kevin went for a run and then showered. i made rice... or i thought i did. we realized i didn’t hit ‘cook’ when kevin was almost done cooking the curry. lol. i got hungry before we even made dinner so i chugged my protein powder with water. the cocoa flavor is better than the vanilla but still kinda grody to drink with just water. anyway, while kevin showered, i cut the carrots, potatoes, and onions. then he cooked and i continued relaxing and whatever. then we ate dunner while watching an episode of yakitate! japan and finally, we got to game with ryan and terence! we played gauntlet together after they troubleshooted their black screen :33 i got mad midway because everyone kept taking all the gold while i was killing things T^T i just continued killing things for the rest of the night lol. kevin comforted me and then we figured out that i did have a sort of dash but i wasn’t aware of it... i wouldn’t have gotten so angry if i knew i also could “dash” towards the gold. lmao, i’m so emotional when it comes to games and “unfairness.” shout out to my boyfriend for being so caring and understanding of my odd emotional ways when it comes to gaming <3 i super super super appreciate him so much T__T <3 after gaming, i went to sleep... well, i went on my phone and then went to sleep at 12:30 am. oops.
09: i decided to do my complete arm / back workout after work today. so i got up, drank my breakfast smoothie, changed, and then left for work. joe was in the office today and i guess that dave was still in new york. it was a pretty chill day. i had a few meetings but nothing stressful. i did some testing in the morning and then had lunch while watching an episode of ‘GAMERS!’ and then hopped into my calls for the rest of the day. i met up with cole at around 3 pm to get starbucks with him. i don’t usually get starbucks but i wanted to get something other than boba today. we walked over to the closest one and then ordered. he got an iced chai latte and i got the praline chestnut chai tea latte... or so i thought. they actually got my order wrong and gave me the coffee latte version, but it was too late to to tell them because cole got a text about PAX badges and we ran like crazy back to the office so he could get to his computer lmao. i was running with coffee in my hands x__x; we got back to his office and then he got into the queue on his computer. he was already in on his phone. he then realized that the PAX twitter notified everyone a few minutes earlier than the text so he knew he wasn’t going to get the 4-day badge. he frantically messaged his friends. cole kept saying this was the first time he was away from the computer when they announced badge sales. T___T i apologized profusely.
he ended up buying single day passes for each day :( but he calmed down after. with a bit of cole’s persuasion, i also bought PAX badges for saturday for me and kevin. it’ll be my first convention and i’m so excited! i’m ready for you, april! :P while cole was calming down, i took our new t7 member, edwin, to the 8th floor to get his badge. noelle didn’t put his name in the system yet so i picked up a package and then headed back down with him. he seems like a really cool and chill guy! he has a switch and wasn’t afraid to charge it in the room and he talked with us about conventions and stuff. :D ahh, i love the nerds in t7 ahah. i went back to the office to do a final check on imports and then i packed up. i was supposed to leave at 4 pm but then i felt like i needed to work on that before. i still ended up leaving at 4:30 pm with cole and edwin. the train wasn’t packed and i got home fairly quickly. i picked up my ae packages and then tried everything on. i think the hoodie is a bit too long but kevin helped me decide to keep it. i want the dark blue version as well so i’ll get that in a smaller size.
after trying on stuff, i got myself into the yoga studio and did an hour of arms and back. i could tell it wasn’t going to be my best performance. my chest presses always feel wrong lol and doing a good amount of them for an hour didn’t help my form. i ended my workout doing some lower back exercises and called it a day. i got back and showered and prepped the rice cakes for dinner and drank my protein smoothie. when kevin came back from climbing, i boiled the soup with the rice cakes, made each of us fried eggs with the new ceramic pan <3, and plated everything for dinner. we started watching game of thrones because we will be going to iceland in february and we kind of wanted to appreciate the location and its ties with the series? LOL. well, i watched the first season already so it was mainly kevin watching. he was half watching tbh. after dinner, we might have played a bit more gauntlet to grind for more $$ to get more upgrades and gear... and/or i watched ‘GAMERS!’ i finished the series and i was not impressed. i think i’m going to take a break from anime right now. i’ll continue watching my series though haha. i got sleepy pretty quickly so i hit the bed at like 12:30 am. zzz.
10: hello, fourth day of pto at home! i enjoyed sleeping in today, but it got to the point where i just felt really crappy about myself. i’ve been feeling mentally tired about exercising. i think it’s because i’m not feeling any better and not seeing much of a difference after adding in free weights to my workout. i just laid in bed with very indecisive thoughts. it doesn’t help that for a while now, i wake up bloated af and/or with stomach pain. i feel like i have a cleaner diet now but i don’t know :/ i just feel like the choices that i’ve made haven’t really been what i want or need right now. i’m not entirely sure. i managed to get my butt out of bed and stop thinking about these things for now and pick up the new kobenstyle casserole post we bought from food52. it’s very sleek and the right size for what we need. :)
to get myself out of the whole exercising pinch, i’ve decided to work out less so it doesn’t become a stressor in my life. it’s been stressing me out even though i wouldn’t put it that way if you had asked me in person. i do schedule my life around working out right now and i think my sleep has suffered because of that and not knowing what i want to do with my spare time. so i’m just going to work out when i feel like it and for less than an hour each day. i’ve been trying to hit an hour or more each day and with the stress i’m feeling, it’s not going to work out. it’s a bit frustrating talking to other people about this because i don’t think they think i work out hard enough and/or think i’m wimping out and/or i’m not doing it right. well, at least that’s what i think. i may not be overtraining but i’m definitely doing something wrong if i’m feeling this way about exercising right now. anyway, i did some hip hop cardio and i realized that i love dancing as my cardio. doing hiit workouts is fun too but in moderation.
i felt better afterward. i showered and then drank my protein smoothie. i may have watched some anime and then kevin came home. i made rice and then i started reading ‘the rules of magic’, my book of the month, while waiting for the rice to cook. we microwaved leftover curry and ate that for dinner before hopping on steam and gaming with ryan and later on, terence! we played gauntlet and finally got past the level where we kept dying haha. we played until 11 pmish and then kevin washed dishes while i got ready for bed. kevin stayed up gaming and i think i went to sleep.
11: we woke up pretty late. i keep waking up at around 8 or 9 am and then falling back asleep because of pto or it’s the weekend. :P we ate scallion pancakes with egg for brunch while watching the new try guys’ video on baking bread without a recipe. the ending of that video is ridiculous. then we meal planned and went grocery shopping! we stopped by bj’s and got kevin’s parents ugly christmas sweaters and ofc groceries. then we went to kam man and i got some new pocky flavors! they both taste pretty good! then we stopped by roche to get a few more things like hot cheetos (kevin we craving them and then i was too T__T), burger buns, and i’m still looking for the dairy-free halo top but no dice. we got a lot of snacks for some reason... kevin was in a munchy mood. hmmm. our pantry is stocked for winter though haha. we got back home and put everything away. i ate some leftover pulled chicken and one of the buns for lunch. kevin went to game with friends so i continued reading ‘the rules of magic.’ after a bit, kevin came to game with me and we played some battleblock theater. we played only for a little bit because the levels are so hard now D: we also needed to prep for dinner.
kevin started making the stock and then we both headed over to the fitness center :) i did some hiit cardio w/ abs and he ran on the treadmill. it was nice working out together. we didn’t do the same things, but it was nice being with him while i worked out. we stretched together and then headed back and showered. right after, we finished cooking the korean rice cake soup, plated it, and watched the rest of episode 1 of game of thrones. kevin doesn’t really like it. it’s really slow he says. lol i agree. i made it through season 1 but rq’d right at the beginning of season 2. he didn’t even want to watch the next episode and we watched the greek olympiad try guys video instead hahaha. we cleaned up and then i think kevin went back to gaming while i continued reading my book until 1 or 2 am? then i hopped into bed and ko’d.
12: we got up at 12 pm and then started our very chill day. we ate the cinnamon raisin thomas english muffins we got from bj’s wholesale for breakfast. we did some morning reading together and i took some pictures of us, which turned out to be cute failures ahha. then kevin went to game while i finished reading ‘the rules of magic.’ it was a very nice book! :) i love alice hoffman’s writing. i took short breaks to get more water and to snack a bit. then kevin played something else on the tv via steam while i watched him. he started playing ‘don’t starve’ and it was lulz. i started cleaning while he played and then we cleaned the kitchen together and i vacuumed our bedroom before he took over vacuuming and swiffering the rest of the apartment. kevin started cooking dinner after while i watched some youtube videos while walking. i was sitting for a while today so i felt like i needed to do some walking. we ate dinner while watching a stream of ‘don’t starve’ and then we played some battleblock theater together. omg, level 6 is so hard, but we made it through! after digesting our food, kevin went to run and took the ipad with him so i stayed in the apartment and did some cardio dancing. i didn’t particularly like the video that i was doing... so it’ll be in my queue but i probably won’t do it again for a while.
i also did some cardio hip hop and focusing on keeping my core tight the whole time. i did a set of ab exercises and then called it a night. kevin was taking a pretty long time so after drinking my protein with cashew milk, i went outside and saw him walking back. he said he decided to do a longer run :P then we showered and i tried calling it a night except that i was on my phone until 1:40 am / when kevin went to bed. o___o” i really should not be on my phone when i get into bed. i need to build better habits nowadays. :/ i spent some time looking online for a gratitude journal. i might just take a break from tumblr and write in that instead. i feel like it’s become a task just documenting my days here. i need a little bit of a new perspective.
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The Break Up Blog - Day Thirty One
Urgh, I am still so tired today.
Luckily, I got my lazy ass out of bed at 06:15 and started getting ready for the day. Eating only one Weetabix for breakfast was a mistake though because I was starving again close to 10:00, but I forged on with the day.
it was a long and tiring day at work because my written assessments were due today. Naturally, all my students took that to mean ‘take your own sweet time doing a simple writing activity that I basically did for you from scratch without really knowing what you’re actually doing even after I’ve told you a million times how to do it’.
I think this may be the definition of what an ESL teacher is.
Still, it wasn’t a horrible day, not at all. I was in good spirits throughout; I even went off-campus with C, AS and PE to get lunch and my favourite passion fruit drink from Ydiendien. Most of my students are done with their assessments, but whoever’s not finished yet will just have to do it on Monday. So if any of my students want to complain about my other classes getting some free time on Monday, they can suck it up because they should’ve done their work quicker. And then they could enjoy some free time after a big test too. It pays to do your work expediently instead of wasting your time being a smartass.
I don’t have the energy to care anymore about how I’m actually teaching. I just want to get my students through their four assessments for the rest of the semester and a few other mandatory school events like the Speech Contest. And then hopefully, my jaded ass will be done with this mundane crap before I’m hopefully moving onto bigger and better things. It’s a shame; I actually get along with more than 96% of my colleagues and my students and on paper, the school I work at is really great. They just have a super shitty management style and their ESL curriculum is not only outdated, but irrational and counter-productive. There’s no point staying at a job if you’re not growing, both professionally and personally.
I managed to leave work on time and spent an hour at home vegging on the couch and texting D back and forth. There’s some noisy construction going on in her building and it got her pretty worked up. I just hope she ended up having a better evening after getting a massage earlier to help her cool off. I’ll never understand how Chinese people can build more apartments on top of existing apartments without there being some kind of damage to a building’s structural integrity. As the saying goes: ‘TIC: This is China’.
Because of that, I spaced out on my timing with making bruschetta before heading over to C’s for Game Night with PE, his wife G, CI and AM. I ended up baking two sets of bruschetta: one with tomatoes and one without, which got me a bit flustered. C’s allergic to tomato too as well as mushrooms, so I had to change my bruschetta recipe ever so slightly and separate the meats and vegetables while preparing the toppings. I kinda thought that it wouldn’t be right to make C sick or kill her because of a bad allergic reaction when she kindly offered to host ‘Game Night’ at her place.
After lots of dawdling, I made it over to C’s at 18:30. CI, PE and G were already there playing a round of ‘Karma’ while C and AS had gone out to buy more snacks. AM had forgotten about ‘Game Night’ initially, but left the gym to come join us in the end.
It was a really fun night! Everyone liked the bruschetta and the Korean-styled fried chicken that C ordered. I drank some of the cocktails I brought over along with PE’s whiskey and Sprite and AM’s fruit cocktails that she mixed up in a blender, but I didn’t even get tipsy, let alone drunk. It was nice distracting myself and letting go of my worries without using alcohol as an excuse. We played Cards Against Humanity, which was fucking hilarious and just wrong on all levels. Then we used our phones to play some interactive games on PE’s PS4, which was loads of fun too.
CI was the first to leave because he was pretty tired and then AM left an hour after him. I felt a bit worried about CI’s departure since he initially wanted to leave for the evening when C told us some shocking news related to work. She was told today that my school wouldn’t be renewing her contract next year. And all because she’s been at the school too long (4 years so far) and the new vice-principal thinks it’s better for our school to have a higher turn-over for foreign students. But the school is so ‘sad’ about it and hope that C won’t take it personally and that they’re willing to give her a glowing letter of recommendation.
Honestly, all of the reasoning behind this sounds like total crap. Our new vice-principal just started working at school literally last week and he suddenly has a lot to say about turnover in foreign staff members?
Nuh, I’m flagging the play and calling bullshit.
I think that C has inadvertently pissed off a lot of people at our school just by being a better teacher with more innovative teaching methods and who actually cares about the students. And now these people are finally getting what they wanted all-along: the chance to get rid of C under a legitimate and pretentious guise. I feel really sad and angry about the entire affair, mainly because I wanted C to be able to leave on her own terms and reject the school instead of the other way around. They’ve treated her so badly; it would’ve been nice to see everyone’s smug faces shatter when she told them to shove their contract up their asses.
Still, I know that C will bounce right back from all of this. She’s a trooper and I know she won’t let shitty people get her down for too long. I admire her a lot for it. I honestly don’t care if my school wants to renew my contract or doesn’t at this point. As far as I’m concerned, they can kiss my big, brown ass. They’ll get the picture soon enough when they actually start reading the online reviews from previous staff members about how crap their system really is. But by then, it’ll be too late. C will have moved onto bigger and better things by then, so more power to her.
It kinda feels like everything is falling apart this year: my parents separated and my dad’s living indefinitely in his own apartment away from my mom; X and I broke up when I thought we’d be each other’s forevers. And now, this business with C not having her contract renewed and her possibly leaving China next year. I think the latter move is what’s best for her, since she’s been in China for 4 years already and her health’s deteriorating. She’ll have better access to healthcare back in the States and she’ll also have better business contacts too. But still, a lot seems to have changed for the worst this year and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.
Still, I’m not too depressed about things. I just keep showing up and punching my proverbial time card. I can’t afford to curl up into the foetal position in my bedroom and say, ‘Oh well, I gave it a shot. But the Universe and all its fucked up ways wins this round.’
Tomorrow’s another day and it usually shines brighter than yesterday ever could. C’s going to take AS around the city tomorrow and help her do some grocery shopping for her new apartment and they invited me along. It’s good that we’ll do it in the morning so I can rest in the afternoon and hopefully exercise in the evening.
We got a nice bonus at work for Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving), so it’s nice to have a little extra cash this month. I’m gonna use the bulk of my bonus on rent for this month so I only have to withdraw a little rent money next month when it’s due. God works in mysterious ways and he saved me from being flat broke. August was rough on my soul and it took a lot to keep me afloat. But I got through it somehow and I’m grateful that He was there to catch me whenever I fell.
I’m really lucky.
It’s not easy walking around every day with a broken heart, wondering if you’ll ever get fixed or just stay a broken toy for a long time to come. That’s probably why I’m giving into shameless perving on anything in human form these days. Because perving is silly and harmless. It gives me a weird feeling of confidence unlike when real feelings are involved. Because when something is real, it means something. And when it means something, you let your guard down and put your trust in another person. And that person has the power to fuck you over for a long time till you’re not sure you’ll have the heart or the courage to love another person again after them.
That’s what X did to me and I’m in no hurry to give my heart away so soon again. I want to keep my heart to myself for a little while longer until I wake up one day and magically realise that I no longer care about X in any sense.
Now, it’s already the next day and it’s actually the thirty-second day since I told X to ‘hit the bricks’. As good as it is to get out, meet people and stay busy, I hope I can slow down soon though. I need to start getting proper rest so I can function properly.
I don’t want to think or stress too much about anything that happens from here on out. I just want to live in the moment and try to be happy in which way it comes to me.
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