#bcs i take way too many so it gets burried...

[astrxealis]

BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD! Once you are given this award you're supposed to paste it in the asks of 8 people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing happens, but it's sweet to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out! 💕💞💕

Hey, hey, Apollo! :D Hope you're doing well <33

ROSIE HI i love you /p tysm 😞💞💞💞 i am doing (mostly) well ty i hope you are too !!! :((

#i am too tired to send this to anyone else but i am sending this to everyone else in spririt and very much so back to you <33 💗 #i have not replied to ur ask btw. sorry. i am a mess but 🥺💖 <333 !!!!! #MY ASK U ANSWRED I MEAN. SORRY. god i should really rest but i napped sm this morn alrdy aaa #i really should list down stuff i want to get to and need to get to instead of just writing over screenshots #bcs i take way too many so it gets burried... #⋯ ꒰ა my galaxy ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა letters of stardust ໒꒱ *·˚ #tag later

[majestyjun]

hello hello im so loving this txt and their hybrids u have going on ^^

picture the boys hanging out together for the first time in a while, after being busy and working really hard, they all look like varying degrees of exhaustion.

yeonjun and soobin look like they've just had a spiritual cleanse, eyes still a little baggy but there's a glow to them. they're smiling more and they cary themselves like they're floating ˙˚ʚ(´◡`)ɞ˚˙

gyu and kai well... if the wrinkled shirt and knotted hair says anything, is that they've been dragged around like a rag. but their builds are more toned and firm, like they've been doing cardio after cardio.

and.. well... our taehyunnie looks like he's slept on a wooden board with a cheese grater as a blanket 💀 the boys are like ಠ_ಠ u good bro? but he's fine really he loves his kitty so much and sometimes it's him that gets carried away while burrying u into the mattress ( ͡°з ͡°)

OK here’s a braindump on txt n their domestic hybrids lol if we like ill consider using it as a basis for a domestic hybrid series ^^

yeonjun n his bunny who is sooo innocent even after everything he’s done to u <3 like still gets confused n humps pillows when he’s not there bc u get turned on sooo easily just hybrid things <3 ngl jjun n free use is such a thing like you’re his cute bunny pet n he can stuff his cock in your cute cunny whenever bc he owns <3 getting the prettiest collars n getting pampered while giving him a bj n always sitting on his lap no excuses! and sooo much cockwarming ahaha he’s so insatiable for u mwah

soobin n his bunny hybrid he adores taking care of like sooo much dollification energy ahaha like fr n is soo into pampering like pls he will feed u while petting your ears n sitting on his lap >< still teaching n is soo into corruption like sir— (not like rough like jjun tho!!) probably sooo obedient n he’s into it like let him take care of u n feel up your cute boobs while petting your ears and having nice sweet love making sessions on the regular ?? also soobin pushing his cum back into ur cunny bc it’s too much n then he gets flustered n hard again eeek like so much size kink n bulge kink n teaching eeek >< envy n hes such a gentle owner like ugh n he never goes anywhere bc ur so clingy in like a cute way n not an annoying way LOL ok

… sigh. beomgyu n his puppy hybrid big trouble coming >< pretty much non stop energy ugh like istg i don’t think there’s a safe spot to sit in his apartment since he got u <3 like he pounds u in the morning on the counter n ugh suck him off on the sofa n probably on the balcony n like ugh u two r double trouble :P when ur not having sex just playing w/ u outside n giving him licks on the cheek to show affection n just flopping down w ur head on his lap for pets n ear scratches >< why so cute

uh oh. not taehyun n his cat hybrid biggest brat of all time n such a trouble maker >< so much brat going on I can’t— biting his fingers when u don’t want to do smth n scratching when u don’t get attention n always lazing around on his bed while he works while being soo whiny for attention >< like taehyun non stop bite marks on his pretty fingers n has soo many troubles like never getting sleep bc u steal his bedding n sleep in the closet or u sleep w your head on his abs n then he can’t get comfy or has to constantly rub your ears so u don’t start wailing n howling >< sooo much punishment n overstim fr ugh pls probably have red marks on your cute ass all the time n it shows bc u wear oversized shirts only bc u don’t like the way pants don’t have tail holes— ugh only way to make his kitty obedient is to stuff ur cunny w his warm cum so u get nice n submissive <3

and cute disaster hyuka n his puppy hybrid having chaos all the time ~~ raging bulge kink n is gets hard almost every morning bc he wakes up to ur cute sleeping puppy self curled up next to him n tail flicking his crotch— ugh getting pounded by needy hyuka n licking his cheek or riding him in the morning is such a thing— ugh he’s sooo into u n probably always has crumpled shirts bc u follow him around all the time n just pounce on him n lick his cheek n he’s always carrying u on his back everywhere bc he’s big n strong n sweet >< like from puppy hybrids where gyu gets stamina kai gets stronger n broader eeek so cute n ugh so bad at taking care of u probably lost the owner manual for hybrids n just does his best <3 also the worst pull out game istg also likes to give u tummy rubs

so when they meet up for boys nights ugh they’re just sooo… tiredly hot LOL u know what I mean ahaha like yeonjun probably pounded his bunny before he left n taehyun having to watch his cameras in his house to make sure his kitty didn’t steal his blanket again (ya… not happening) n soobin w just his lazy self like he’s soo glowy n in love so cute— n gyu probably messiest hair ever n just like enjoying a little bit of quiet >< n kai showing up late n a little winded but soo happy eeeek >< it’s so cute ahaha they probably have fun discussions about their pets all the time lol not comparing but just laughing ^^ share a nice drink (LEGAL line) n some dinner before they go home… gyu n kai r tackled by their cute puppies n soobin n yeonjun w their obedient bunnies sleeping n…. taehyun’s kitty howling n horny again ><

#what do we think? #yas ok this was fun lol IM JUST BRAIN DUMPING FOR THE SERIES IM PLANNING #so this is just like domestic hybrid idea braindump for the series? #ya just for funzies ahaha #also sorry about the hybrid spam :(( to my readers who aren’t into it #mille.inbox #mille.anon #txt hard hours #txt hard thoughts

[tupperwaretub]

hello there 🦈💙 could I request for Javi Gutierrez x male reader where Javi heard rumor about m/n admire Javi for a while and Javi seems not to believe it because m/n always have blank face whenever he talk with people including Javi until one day, Javi had enough hearing about the rumor and decide to ask m/n if the rumor is true. M/n immediately get flustered when Javi ask if m/n have been admire Javi for a while. So m/n nod and told Javi that he been admire Javi for so long but think that Javi wouldn't like him back (actually Javi have crush on m/n, he just try to move on.) well the rest of the story, you can just play with it. Idc if it's smut or fluff bc i actually love your fics man...

my apologise if there some word's that i spell is uncorrect ( ‪ᯅ̈).ᐟ.ᐟ anyways have a nice day/night! oh and ily (〃´𓎟`〃)

-anon🦈

Rumours

Pairing:Javi Gutierrez x male!Reader

A/n: HI i actually love this idea so much and thankyou so much ilyt!!! ❤️ I'm trying to write more and this is exactly what i needed. I hope you enjoy <3

Warnings: Getting drunk other than that none just some smooching ;)

Summary: Javi has has a crush on his life long best friend, y/n, but he wasn't getting the same feeling from him. So Javi burries his feelings and tries to get over them, but he can't help but investigate when he hears rumours of y/n liking him back...

----------------------------------

It was Javis birthday, you had been the one to plan a huge party for him wanting your best friend to have an amazing birthday. Sometimes you worry your feelings for him may slip and become too obvious, but so far everyone seems oblivious to how you feel for your best friend.

That was the case until you decided to drink a glass too many of champagne... Then you started doing shots... And thats how you ended up as a babbling mess with people around keeping check.

"C'mon y/n we should get you to bed.." one of your friends says.

"No! Wheres Javi?" You slur out with your arm around your friend getting dragged to the house.

"He's talking with other people, we need to get you bed seriously you're too drunk.." your friend sighs. You fall out of your friends grip and into a garden chair.

"i love him..." You slur "i love javi so much. I love him...." Your face blanks for a second forgetting your words. "More than life!" You fall back with a dramatic hand over your face. Your friend just looks around at the crowd who's attention is half on you and flashes them a smile in apology.

When your friend looked back you were asleep in the same position you were just in, leant back on a garden chair with your hand over your face.

The next morning you woke up in your bed, well more like on your bed your friend had just about managed to carry you in and chuck you onto your bed. You covered your eyes and groaned, the light coming through your curtains was blinding. Still, you pushed through and got up to take a shower hoping that would help your hangover.

The shower left you feeling better than you had, so you made your way to the kitchen to get something to eat.

You were pouring cereal into a bowl when suddenly your best friend walked in. "Y/n." He says as he enters. "Hey Javi." You say not looking away from your cereal, as far as you were aware everything was still in place and nothing was wrong, you had forgotten all of the events from last night.

"y/n... People are saying things about you- uhm- liking me?" He blurts out awkwardly.

"what?" You say finally looking up from your cereal. Thats when the memories started flooding in of you gushing about Javi infront of a particularly large group of people. "Shit Jav, look i was drunk it wasn't -" you try to explain yourself walking towards him but he cuts you off by grasping your head in his hands. "Do you like me, y/n?" He asks.

The look in his eyes could be best described as hope, your jaw still hanging you confess "y-yes." It was one word, three letters and how three letters could cause you so much anxiety was beside you.

Javis smile was so wide you were worried the muscles in his face would cramp. "I never thought you'd like me back, mi amor.. can i kiss you?" You didn't know what so say so you just nodded and he encased you in a loving kiss.

When you broke apart it seemed almost too soon, you rested your head on his shoulder. "I'm way too hungover for this.." you both giggle and he takes you and your cereal back to bed where he showers you in cuddles and kisses.

Somehow you hangover seems much more bareable with him by your side.

---------------------------

A/n: sorry this feels really short and rushed. I hopes you enjoyed it and i really loved this idea so much ty ❤️❤️

#javi gutierrez x male reader #javi gutierrez #the unbearable weight of massive talent #x male reader #fluff

[uriel-is-best-girl]

Time for what tma entites I think orv characters are aligned with! Spoilers for orv and possibly tma too.

So starting off with our main boi:

Kim Dokja himself. I'm going to have to give him a strong death/the end alignment. The eye could be argued I suppose what with all his knowledge and 'mind reading', but i just feel like the end connection is stronger. Hes expierenced death and rebirth in more ways than just the literal sense too, he first died when his mother 'killed' his father and he was left behind in the wake of that death. And then again when he jumped from the roof, living on feeling more as though a ghost than alive. And then ofc all the actual self sacrifice where he comes back, trying to kill od, the 49% of him wasting away in a hospital, another death. Ofc then theres the thousands of deaths and regressions from yjh that kept him alive. Again and again he is surrounded and made up by death and its ultimate refusal to allow him its grasp (much like oliver).

Next! (Note: I will NOT be going in order bc I don't have ideas for everyone yet.)

Lee jihye is an unwilling avatar of the slaughter and I will stand by that. Her sponsor is a war general and she starts the series by having to kill her best friend in order to survive. In the context of being a slaughter avatar, she tries to combat the need for senseless violence by justifying it, by trying it use it to protect others.

Han Sooyoung is an avatar of the web. There are many aspects about her snd her story that involve levels of control or bring up the question of others frew will (she wrote ways of survival, but she wrote it after the fact, but after the fact was also before the fact so then what does that make of yjh and all the others in her story?) Again, im just contextualizing things in context of tma entities, not actual commentary on orv story.

Lee gilyoung. If you know anything about tma u know im giving him the hive/the corruption. Its stereotypical! Its the obvious chioce! Bug boy gets bug fear! But I think its also the right chioce. When lgy was being possibly abused or neglected by his family memeber, he had his bugs. Sound familar? To literally all the hive statements. Its rotting filth but its also there when you have no one and are alone and it will love you when no one else will. And for that love it will consume you.

Jung Heewon is a strong woman who has been hurt before. Because of this she took up a mantel to be the fires of justice. Thats right, we're looking Desolation aligned here. Incongruence with the namesake of lightless flame, her fires offer no mercy. Things were taken and stripped from her before kdj saved her, things she can move on from but can never get back. So she will take away from those who have taken from her, who will take from her. She is the type of avatar that feeds the desolation with her own fear. She is afraid, so afraid of loosing so she will burn it all down until theres no one who can take from her again. I especially like how her judgement time or smthing power starts as out of her control to being in the control of her and kdjc. Bc in either case you cant really say either side is correct. Only that they have the power the decide, and they have always backed her when she wants to use her flames.

Lee Hyunsung. The Burried, or Too Close I Cannot Breathe. You cannot make any decisions deep in the ground, held tight by the earth in what is either a loving or unforgiving brace. Everything down to breathing will be decided for you, there is no room for mistakes or lose. Throughout the story lee hyunsung struggles alot with descion making, he wants to be told what to do, he can follow orders. Hes got a big heart, but hes tough, he can stand his ground and weather it all, just like the earth. I would link the type of avatar lee hyunsung would be to the statement in which a graveyard digger becomes obsessed with burrying himself alive and sleeping. Lee hyunsung could find comfort and saftey in the dirt.

#i wanted to find a vast aligned orv character so i could use the blue color option #but i couldnt find one i felt strongly enough about to include #you may notice theres no yjh #thats bc i cannot figure out what to give him #the end seems like an obvious chioce #the slaughter might also work #as mught the hunt #as too might the lonley #and thats where the problem lies!! #i could rationalize so many ones #hopefully there will be a 2nd post where i make up my mind #orv #kim dokja #han sooyoung #lee gilyoung #jung heewon #lee hyunsung #lee jihye

[oooohno]

Omg!! Nana, I didn't wanted to come online for some days bc of some things buuut!!! I had an odd feeling, I ran and I saw its your birthday???

Dearest!!

I wish you only the best of the best, may you always have happy moments in your life which can overshadow the dark ones, may you always have flowers which blossom with the sweetest scents, may you find beautiful nuances in the smallest moments, may your life be an amazing one, may you make many memories which will fill your heart with love and warmth, may you meet wonderful people which bring peace to your life and will be there for you as true friends. May you always stay healthy and the backpain vanish and never come back, may Miyuki behave lmao

May all your dreams come true or at least come closer and all your wishes as well!

I am more than grateful to have met such a kindhearted, generous, genuine, wonderful, funny soul as yours! I am so happy to be able to be called your friend and you mine. I can't describe everything I feel, but may you know that I adore, appreciate you from the depths of my heart and soul, that I often think 'What is Nana doing' or 'What if I tell Nana' especially when I decide to take breaks from social media

Thank you for everything! I am wishing you a wonderful Birthday (even if it's so late already, I am so sorry)

I will be always there for you

I love you so much sending all kisses your way, pushing Hirugami, Atsumu, Haganezuka (even though you already burried him) , everyone (but Levi, I fear he is a bit too short to push and not make him stumble and fall and we do not want that, I wish to life longer) aside to hug you tightly! 🤍

Happy Birthday my love!! 🥂✨️

My sweet K! Please you’re too kind to me!! I’m actually tearing up right now you’re so sweet 🥺 Thank you sosososo much for being my friend!! I love you so much & I don’t know what I would do without you in my life! My only wish is for us to stay friends forever, so we can gush about our blorbos together, scheme cute date ideas with Atsumu & Osamu or fantasize about Teppei & Hyūga’s stupid fights that we have to endure all the time! Nothing brings me more joy than to see you on my dash & in my notifs!! 💕🥺 & I’m always looking forward to hear about your day & about Lisska’s cheeky actions! I hope you had an incredible day today & I’m sending you so many hugs & kisses & a biiiig slice of birthday cake too!! You can even choose between Chocolate or strawberry & vanilla…actually you get both!!! <333

#ek4t.ask #letters to nana 💌 #I love you so much!!! 🥺 #please I wanna print this & keep it under my pillow!! #this is no my good luck charm!! & I’ll keep it in my heart forever!

[imfirequeen]

*sits cutely* so who's elis and why's he such a comfort character

Good god this is about to be a roller coaster

Ima start with the second part my brain cannot register and when I asked Raine he said it’s a comment not a question? So I’ll just say thank

So *elis* uhhh tw warning for abuse death suicide mention

Elis is an oc I initially made to well die, Raine (gotta love how this guy keeps poppin up amiright? Lol) on the other hand, had different plans and got attached to the dumb fuck and asked me to not kill him off, so I sat on it and before I knew it man’s a comfort character.

Well, this idiot grew up violently abused by his mom and neglected from his father.

Around when this fucker turned 17 some guys thought it would be funny to rough you the weird kid bc why not? Yea well it got too aggressive and Elis ended up fighting to live, and to the un being known to the muggers, Eli’s has an ability to spawn many and any weapons. Which at the time he could not control and kinda just appeared when he was terrified. He ended up killing them. In the shock of it it’s like a switch clicked in his head, that he didn’t have to keep taking hits. He could make them stop for good. After sitting a good while with his good friend Joey (Raines oc) he got up and left, he killed his parents. He hates himself violently for everything he’s done but he’s decided if he’s gonna be alive, and of course u kill a murderer there’s still the same amount of murderers, so he made it his mission to kill as many bad people he could. He didn’t go on a whim, he always made sure there was proof these bastards were guilty. In this process he met Zoey who was pretending to be a victim to one of Eli’s’ targets (her target too) and, oh boy did she lOVE to abuse his emotions, putting nooses around his neck and yanking him around. She always got her way with him and convinced him they were in the same side!!! He believed her. He thought she was the same as him, wanted to make sure no one would get hurt and be broken, like him, like her he thought! Didn’t even realize the emotional and physical abuse she was putting him through bc of how well she convinced him she’s on his side or it’s “fun.” Well while dealing with that Elis finally found karmin, karmin was a victim to one of Elis’ targets tho, when Elis got there it wasn’t what he expected. The target was already dead?! Yep karmin managed to kill a guy in self defense. Elis could tell karmin wasn’t doing too hot, and that he wasn’t like him or Zoey. He took karmin home hiding him from Zoey and started taking care of him, almost abandoned him at one point too, but couldn’t do it he’s too fragile after all. Well, Zoey knew where Elis lived of course and she was not happy to meet karmin. After all who the fuck was this to be playing with her toy?! She wasn’t having none of it and this was the day Elis finally saw zoeys true colors as he walked in on her trying to slam karmins face into a hot stove iron. He kicked her out even tho she tried to play innocent but Elis knew this wouldn’t be the end of her. He got involved with the police. 1940s ish (with extra bs bc brr funnie) cops aren’t what we have today so easy to get kinda sketchy Elis managed to make a deal with the cops to work for them with a pardon if he took down Zoey, bc she was pretty bad ngl. Ofc the cops thought he’d die in the process and ignored most of anything he was giving them on her. He ended up disappearing and the cops didn’t fucking notice but you know who did? And who ran in there screaming? Karmin. Karmin found a superior that gave a damn to help him and in the search they found Elis, burried alive! A moment longer he would have been dead. Elis Thought he was a lost cause so as a good bye, a last ily, had carved a k into his palm, (which is still there!) well Elis eventually got Zoey and had her put in a special unit, and changed stations. Now he has a new mix of people that either tolerate him or hate him! Oh did I mention he’s super flirty as a coping mechanism? Bc he is, but of course, Zoey broke free and now he has to constantly watch his back~

#lore #god fucking god #asks #tw: self harm #tw: violence #tw: abuse #tw: suicide mention #tw: death #this is slightly vague bc I don’t wanna go into all the details publicly #but this is the gist of Elis!

[newtonsheffield]

Part 2 was amazing Molly. Neddy is the sweetest little thing comforting his dad and thank the lord that Anthony and Kate steered the discussion in a way that there could be a resolution.

That I ask for a part 3 goes without saying but I also have another pressing question. Does Alistair accompany Anthony in this trip or is he back in London? Not that anything saves him but I do believe that Mary and Violet will skin him, burn him and burry him alive, Anthony just might be a tiny bit better. Of course only bc his son wants to go to the park or he wants to go buy dinosaur shoes and he ain't got time to loose.

I got so many requests for part 3 of this it’s insane.

Alistair Cowper is in New York at present, where he promptly gets fired and left, with very little other than a punch in the stomach. Anthony’s very busy. Edmund has heard of somewhere that makes dinosaur donuts, and Anthony needs to buy out the whole store.

Anthony couldn’t make the pieces fit, he really couldn’t. Her words playing over and over again in his head, and they didn’t make sense. He must have read that last letter from her hundreds of times in the last five years, letting her words deep into his skin, until they branded him for what he really was. Failure repeated again and again across his chest. And ever once had she mentioned a baby. If she had he would have sprinted to Mary’s house, where he had known she would be and beat the door down until she opened it, begged her to give him one last chance. But she hadn’t. So he hadn’t.

“Right, Anthony, I don’t really have anything left to say to you, so I’m just going to take my son home now.”

She’d moved to step around him, bringing her closer to him, and he just couldn’t let her go. His hand shot out unthinkingly, closing around her upper arm. Kate jerked backwards wildly, spinning towards him her eyes furious.

“Don’t fucking touch me Anthony. I know it was difficult after your Dad died, but you had no fucking right to say those things to me. I’m sorry, my family’s poor, and we’re common, and I’m sorry I fell in love with you when it was just a fucking game to you, but there was a better way to deal with it than sending your chief of staff to evict me from your mother’s house like I was your whore who’d stayed too long.”

Anthony’s head was spinning, nothing made sense, he’d never- she’d left. She had. He had the letter to prove it. “Kate, you left me.”

Her laugh was chilling, tearing through him, ripping at his chest. “If you want to look at it that way, I suppose I did. And when I realised I was pregnant I thought No, Anthony wanted a baby, and he has a right to know, I should tell him, and you didn’t even have the decency to respond, Ant.”

He couldn’t breathe he really couldn’t “I don’t understand, you never sent me a letter, Kate, you didn’t- You said you had to leave because this wasn’t what you wanted and I-”

“And the worst part is when I saw you this afternoon, For a split second I actually thought maybe you still loved me too.” He’d never seen anyone look so heart broken, tears streaking down her face, her hands clenched into fists at her side.

And Finally Anthony broke. “Kate, you have to listen, please, please just listen to me. I don’t know what the fuck’s going on, but I didn’t know about him, I swear I didn’t, I would have come and found you on my fucking hands and knees if I had. And I never sent Alistair to see you. You left me in a letter.”

Kate stumbled backwards, her head shaking, “No, you did, you sent him to tell me to go.”

His chest was aching, his own head shaking as he took a tentative step towards her, “I didn’t Kate, I never would have. I loved you so much I thought I could never hold it all, even after my Dad died.” She let him lay his hand on her arm now, his head still spinning, but he couldn’t stop, not now he had her here. Not now he had a reason, “when I think about that time, all I think about is how you saved me. And I wasn’t good enough for you for a second, Kate, but I loved you. I still do.”

Her mouth had fallen open, her eyes flicking over his face as she stood frozen in his hands for a long moment before her hand reached up, pushing his hair back from his eyes. Her voice wavering. “The only letter I wrote you, was to tell you I was pregnant. And to tell you I still loved you, and if you needed time I could give it to you, if you would just tell me, I’d wait for you.”

Anthony felt like he’d been punched in the stomach, the pieces finally clicking into place, Alistair, the grand mastermind. A thousand seconds making sense all at once, but he couldn’t think about that now. He had Kate right here, his forehead was pressed against hers, their eyes caught together, and his heart still beat in his chest just for her.

“I’m going to kiss you now.”

“Hurry up and do it.”

He didn’t need to be told twice, he leaned down, claiming her lips, his pulse thundering in his ears as they moved together, his life finally feeling complete again, like he’d found a missing piece of himself. Something he could never be without ever again as their tears mingled together.

“Daddy?“ Edmund’s voice interrupted them curiously, his tiny hand pulling at Anthony’s trouser leg, pulling Anthony down to his level, though Kate’s hands still clutched him, as though she was afraid he’d disappear if she let go even for a second.

“Yeah, Buddy what’s up?”

“Um, I know that Santa probably didn’t send you here for this, but my shoelace is untied.” He was looking up at Anthony so curiously, testing him almost, as though checking he was a real dad.

Anthony nodded desperately, “I can do that, Edmund, I can do that.”

His fingers fumbled over themselves to tie it, his little foot, resting on his leg.

“Um, Daddy, there’s a shop near here.”

Kate groaned as though she knew exactly what was coming. But Anthony was fixated on him, on his beautiful son who had his hand pressed against Anthony’s neck.

“And they make dinosaur shaped donuts. And I really like dinosaurs. And donuts.”

“Neddy, sweetheart, I said, we couldn’t do that today and Daddy’s had a really long day, he um- maybe he can-”

Anthony interrupted her, his eyes catching hers again, letting her feel the weight of his words. “I’m not going anywhere, Kate. I’m here now. I’m not going home until you come home with me. So let’s get a donut.”

She stared back at him for a long time, her eyes questioning before she relaxed, a beautiful smile, just like the one he’d very first fallen in love with spread onto her face. “Okay, Bintang.”

Edmund whooped excitedly, jumping up and down as Anthony stood, pressing another kiss to Kate’s forehead, and then he stopped, tugging in Anthony’s hand. “I saw in a movie once, um a Boy’s Daddy, he picked him up and put him like…” he patted his own shoulders, his eyes shifting nervously. “Here.”

Anthony’s chest was aching, already so in love with this tiny boy, who was so ready to love him, though he’d done nothing to deserve it, and he’d be damned if Edmund was going to be disappointed. Anthony stooped before he could even get his question out, catching him around the waist and planting him firmly in his shoulders.

“Okay, let’s go. Hold on tight, bud.”

And then two things happened at once, as they exited onto the street. Kate caught him by the arm, her lips claiming his roughly for a very long moment, her voice a whisper as she pulled back “I love you, I love you so much, Anthony.”

And Edmund called to random passerby “This is my Daddy! And look how tall we are!”

#a crumpled up piece of paper #kathony #anthony x kate #anthony bridgerton #kate sharma #kate sheffield #aus on stacks #molly’s asks and answers

[kaijime]

So im 5’9 with a lil attitude, can i request a hc of Ushi and Daichi with a rough slow fuck, With a lil spice? Thank youuu :3

ushijima + daichi + aone | slow rough sex

cw. fem reader, soft sex, praise, dirty talk, vaginal penetration

a/n. I hope you don’t mind, I added aone bc I’ve been craving him for a while. I really loved this request!! It’s so soft!!

ushijima wakatoshi

He needs to relieve the stress and frustration some way, and how could he not use you when you’re looking at him with those pretty eyes.

So he decides to relieve himself, boy just wanted to fuck you slowly and hard 🥺

He also really loves the face you make when he hits those deep spots inside you.

Would praise you!!

“You’re doing so well baby... such a good girl for taking all of me in your small pussy”

His pretty girl is getting slowly ripped apart by his cock, how could he not praise you.

He shushed you, a whisper almost, to help calm you. To make you loosen up from the grip you had on him. No matter how many times you take him, his cock is always a tight fit. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to be so harsh with you tonight”

His words were soothing and he started a slow pace, every thrust had you gripping the skin on his back, soft scratches were sure to be scattered all over it tomorrow.

“To-shi, mmm... so good” you look into his eyes, making eye contact after a while and placing a soft kiss on his lips. Your tongues quickly got involved, making out in a passionate way while his thrusts didn’t stop. They were still soft and slow but they didn’t stop.

Just because he settled for being a little slower tonight, didn’t mean he wouldn’t be rough. He gently slipped out of your walls only to sheathe himself quickly, hitting the deepest he could hit while practically making you scream every time.

“Ah-! Yes... it’s s-so- h-hah-!” Your nails raked down his back while he buried his face in the crook of your neck, grunting every now and then to let you know he was enjoying this. It was his idea, after all.

daichi sawamura

Big dick man

He is fully capable of leaving you a few days without walking.

Though sometimes, rarely, he prefers to take things a little slow.

I think he would do it if he’s horny when he wakes up and just wants to slowly fuck you because he’s still a little tired.

He would’ve cockwarmed you but he knows he can’t hold backs when he does that.

“Daichi... fuck” his hips moved gently, almost as if he wasn’t even inside you, as if he was just grinding on you.

“So good, such a pretty pussy... matching with my pretty girl” you wanted to utter out something, anything, but he would move everytime you tried, making all but words come out of your mouth.

Light moans, gasps and groans where the only thing to hear in the almost silent room. That, and the squelching sound of your wet pussy everytime he stroked your walls with his dick.

“Love how tight you are baby- fuck- I want you to cum for me”

“Yes-! Yes, Daichi... gonna cum!” You said while he continued whispering sweet praises in your ear, reassuring you that he wanted you to feel good and interlocking your fingers with his when he grabbed your hands.

You gush around him, that feeling of orgasm you knew so well, yet it always hit you like a train. He buried his cock in your walls a few more times before cumming himself. When he came, he quickly pulled out and came on your stomach.

Even if he was half asleep, he would still like to see his babygirl covered in his cum.

aone takanobu

Let’s be honest, Aone will rarely be on top. He will always be on bottom, you riding his while he admires your beautiful body.

He enjoys watching you use him for your own pleasure.

Usually you’re rougher than this, maybe it’s because you had an exhausting day at work but today you’re being so slow and sweet.

He doesn’t mind though, he loves it, loves anything you give him.

He watches your breasts bounce and jiggle everytime you sink yourself on his cock, a sight he would never get tired of seeing, except now it was like he could savor it longer.

“Nobu!...h- fuck-!” Even if you were going at a slow pace he never failed to be too big. His tip always kissed your cervix when you took him all, you were such a tight fit for him, but both of you enjoyed it.

He was still entranced by the way your pretty tits moved, but he was too afraid to grab one for fear of your dicomfort. As if by instinct, you immediately notice his uneasy state and put his hand exactly where he wants them.

It was like he received the all clear from you, and he couldn’t help but lean his face to suck on the hard nub of your nipple, making you throw your head back at the immense feeling.

You tugged on the short tuffs of his hair, making him move his sight to you, the eye contact was brief, only for a moment but he could see you were feeling good. Not only by the look in your eyes, but by the way you creamed on his cock.

“Pretty... mmm, you look so pretty Y/n”

“Yeah? Oh, you’re so big N-nobu! I love it so much!” His mind was clouded, burrying his head into the valley of your breasts and hearing your sweet voice moan his name every few seconds. It was all music to his ears.

taglist

@rana-kun @ghostlydiamond135 @kiyobbie @shygiggle

©️ kaijime 2021 | all content belongs to kaijime, do not modify or repost

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x reader smut #haikyuu!! #haikyuu smut #smut #haikyuu #ushijima #ushijima Wakatoshi #ushijima x reader #ushijima x reader smut #ushijima smut #daichi #daichi sawamura #daichi x reader #daichi x reader smut #daichi smut #aone #aone takanobu #aone x reader #aone x reader smut #aone smut

[narcosmx]

narcos mexico headcannon list: them giving oral would include

a/n: i was soft for five seconds and then i go right back to this shit... i promise i’m actually a pure and soft bby ... i ?? also i chose this gif because it’s everything??? and me posting this anways 

miguel

him eating you out would be, as most things are with him, a power move... showing you just how desperate he can get you 

so in the previous nsfw miguel post i talked about how he would be into like light bondage 

so i see him eaing you out when he has your hands tied up; whether they be to each other or to the bed post

he liked the idea of you being helpless to him; he gets to control his speed, gets to control how much he teases you, gets to control how hard he makes you cum 

i just him with his little smirk looking up at you, devilish little twinkle in his eye as he teases you 

like you sobbing out for him and miguel picking his head up and being like “que paso, mija, hm?” as he like slowly licks up and down your folds wow i am going to HELL 

amado

okay but listen.....listen... amado’s fucking hair is everything when he’s eating you out 

always jokes that you’re the reason he keeps his hair long, “ pa que tengas donde agarrate”

im laughing because remember when he says he doesn’t wear the hard hat porque le chinge el peino omfg him saying that to like acosta or some shit and he’s like “y tu mujer que? cuando ella te shinga el peinado hasta le das las gracias”

anyways amado loves eating you out because he gets to hold on to your thighs as you tangle your fingers in his air, tugging on it 

god he’s nasty after he’s done eating you out, you know he’s kissing you so you can taste yourself on his lips AGAIN I DONT MAKE THE FUCKING RULES

so i can see him eating you out to either a) apologize to you, like after spending a day showering you in love and with gestures he spends the rest of the night eating you out or b) when you challenge him 

also amado would be one for overstimulation for fucking sure, him smirking up at you and being like “mm mi shula, yo creo que aguantas una mas, no?”

chapo

as he have spoken about before, chapo would be into thighs so having a chance to live between them would make him a fucking happy camper

just chapito kissing up your thighs,until he gets to your core 

he leaves little marks on the inside of your thighs because that way it stays between you two; the little secret he thought about way too many times

loves the build up to getting to your core, loves seeing you tremble in anticipation as like he softly breaths against you .... whispering about how fuckign beautiful you look 

wow him eating you out is the most gentle shit on earth, him reaching up to hold your hands while he’s just being super soft with you, caressing the back of your palm with his thumb

squeezes your hand when you cum i am crying don’t mind me 

he can be playful about it too, like i can see him teasing at times but really, this is all about you so he wouldn’t be one to tease you too much 

palma / benjamin 

again, doing these two together because i get similar vibes from them 

and the fucking v i b e is that eating you out is their fucking religion 

they are convinced youu are a fucking goddess so they will fucking worship your body and this is just ne of the ways that they do 

will probably do so every time before they fuck you because they want you be ready they just want yo to be as comfortable as possible 

and needy for them, seeing you like gasp because you’re already so sensitive for them has them fucking throbbing 

caressing the outside of your thigh as he eats you out, and ugh do they know yor body like the back of your hand 

knows all the spots that make you tremble, that make you whimper for him, that has you crying out his name i 

sorry about it but he focses so much on your clit, sucking on it gently between working his tongue inside of you

you have him humming at the taste of your, god he lives for making you fall apart for him

this is how he shows love and affection

ramon 

again sorry i apologize beforehand, i don’t make the fucking rules b u t 

RIDING RAMON’S FACE AND I REPEAT RIDING HIS FUCKING FACE 

a shameless motherfucker, probably refers to his face as your fucking throne and making you blush just so he can smirk and be like “que no te recuerdas, bebe, cuando me estabas diciendo que rico cuando te como entera, hm” 

whenever he lays on his back, he’s already fucking grabby hands for you because he wants to taste you so freaking bad

but can you imagine, sitting on his fucking face, hands tangled in his hair and his tongue fucking you like there was no tomorrow 

his hands are fucking everywhere, one moment he’s squeezing your ass giving it soft little smacks and the next he’s reaching up to knead your breast

eye contact !!! because his eyes would never leave your fucking body, they are glued to the way you’re bouncing as you rock your hips against him eagerly bc jesus christ does he know how to work his tongue 

whispers quietly: eating you out from behind because he gets to caress and love on your ass sORRY 

rafa

teasing as fuck god, he’d be one that’s like pressing his lips to your core gently barely letting his tongue touch you just to watch the way you squirm in need for him 

looking down your body as he hitches your fingers on the edges of your panties and just slowly taking them off, admiring your glistening core 

he wants you to burry his head into your core, he wants you to grab onto him and hold him there because that’s when he knows he got to you 

i just have this image of like him standing at the edge of your bed while your laying down nd pulling you over to him gently 

he’s the one slinging your legs over his shoulder, wanting to see the way your body ar hes towards his chest

god he’s be such a fucking but like even if you’re begging him like “amor, por favor” he’d be the one kissing your core and being like “por favor, que? hm?”

wants you to tell him EXACTLY what you want him to do, likes smirking ... he wants to hear your dirty talk 

#narcos mexcio imagines #narcos mexico imagine #narcos mexico #miguel angel felix gallardo #miguel angel felix gallardo x reader #amado carrillo fuentes #amado carrillo fuentes x reader #el chapo #joaquín guzmán #joaquin guzman x reader #benjamin arellano felix #benjamin arellano felix x reader #hector palma #hector palma x reader #ramon arellano felix #ramon arellano felix x reader #rafa caro quintero #rafa caro quintero x reader

[r0sybee]

[sees "CEO of Loving Mammon" and fuckin SPRINTS to ur inbox] hey what if MC actually did set up some kind of Mammon fanclub, even if MC is the only member? I'm cracking up just imagining Mammon seeing them in a shirt that says "president of the Mammon fanclub"

Loving Mammon Fanclub Headcanons

You totally start a club bc of how much you love Mammon and you want him to know

You are literally the only member

But hey at least you got a sick shirt

You designed the shirt yourself, on the back is says STAFF in bold and under that is a giant picture of Mammon, on the front is says CEO on the top left with the same picture just smaller

You have 49 more copies of the shirt in your room (cause the CEO one is for you, duh)

It doesn't matter how you got 50 of the same shirt, don't worry about it

So, the best business plan to get rid of the 49 shirts in your room is to sell them, Mammon would be so proud of your idea

Small problem, if you left the house of Lamentation by yourself, you'd probably get eaten, so where's the best place to set up shot, well the main entry way of the house of course!

As soon as someone comes in the front door they'll see you, and your 49 shirts you have for sale

You have one of those cheep fold out table and chair, this is basically a lemonade stand

"All money goes to paying Mammon's debt"

The first one to come across your Lemonade Loving Mammon stand was Asmo, and he had a thing to say, "MC nobody is going to buy those shirts for two reasons, 1. What are you a camp counselor? 2. I'm pretty sure you're the only person that likes Mammon." "I don't like him, I LOVE him." Fake sob, fake sob, fake sob

But you really do love Mammon

Levi comes around just to announce his post to you, "LMFAO Mammon's partner is a real SIMP!!1!!!1!11!1!1!1!1!!!!11!1!1!1!1 They are not gonna sell any MERCH #imnotbuying #campcounselor"

"Is Asmo talking about me?"

Levi just leaves without responding

Lucifer comes by and you try to convince him to make your Mammon loving club an actual RAD club, "How many members do you have MC?" "Two" "Me and you, Luci" "I'm not joining your club, have a nice day" "Noooooo fake sob fake sob" "Did you actually just say fake sob?"

Everyone is talking about you being "as stupid as Mammon" but that's just bringing more customers baby!!!!

Satan is the next to bring you a visit, "MC are you mentally okay? Do you need to go to the doctors? I thought you were smarter than this" "I am 100% okay, I'm kinda sad tho" "...why?" "Nobody is buying my merch." "Don't worry, somebody will... But not me."

Can you get a FAKE SOB in chat bros

Beel comes by, oh sweet Beel, kind Beel, "Beel please just take a t-shirt, I will give you anything I just need a sale" "Can you make me cookies?" "Yes I will make them from scratch! Here take this shirt"

Beel burries that shirt in his closet, never to be seen again

Belphie really do be napping tho and doesn't come to the Lemonade Loving Mammon Stand (also I haven't freed Belphie yet so idrk know him so ya boi isn't gonna write him)

And your favorite brother, the one and only, #2 in your pamphlet but #1 in your heart, THE GREAT MAMMON!!!!!!!! "What's all this?" He was totally blushing "Its a whole story, first it was because I love you SO much, so I started a club, and made a t-shirt design, but after I ordered 50 shirts, I realized I'm the only one in the club, the only reasonable thing to do was to sell the extra money" He just kinda stood there processing everything you just, "First off, I love ya too, and fyi you're so hot when you make money schemes. How many sales did you make?" "None... :(" "How dare anyone not buy anything from MY human" "Well, more Mammon shirts for me!!!!!"

Mammon took one of the shirts for himself and paid you in kisses, but the rest of the shirts are yours

On family movie night both of you wear your matching shirts and everyone calls you two gross, "What are you? An old person couple?"

#headcanon #i love mammon #obey me mammon #mammon x reader #mammon x mc #swd mammon #I had way too much fun with this #my work

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[regalmadness]

50 questions you've never been asked

Tagged by @love-hope-faith-feels-like-a-lie thanks love!

1. What is the colour of your hairbrush?

Pink

2. A food you never eat

There is something in my country called Auyama... yup that just

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold

Too cold, like I be cuddling and people will get scared that im as cold as ice and so to ease their worries I just burry my hands and feet into their coat or clothes 🤣

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

Studying

5. What is your favourite candy bar?

The ring pop. I love it! It brings back memories. Either that or any white chocolate.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Yes I once had the oportunity to go to a basketball match between the Miami Heat and the Rockets

7. What is the last thing you said outloud?

Take your time its fine, I'll wait

8. What is your favourite icecream?

Bubblegum

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Water

10. Do you like your wallet?

Well it keeps my money safe and its got a cool design I guess

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Carrots

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

🤣🤣🤣🤣 living out of my pj collection lately

13. Last sporting event you watched?

The superball (Go 9ners!)

14. What is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

Butter ir cheese

15. Who is the last person you sent a text?

My best friend

16. Ever go camping?

Never have, but Im game all the way!

17. Do you take vitamins?

In case this is ever leaked outside of tumblr and out of the internet I just wanna say from the bottom of my truthfull heart... Mom if you are reading this, yes I am definitelly taking my vitamins every single day without fail. I definitely dont forget and take them daily and not just sometimes.

18. Do you go to church every sunday?

Not every sunday but whenever I can sure

19. Do you have a tan?

In this economy?

20. Do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

Pizza pizza pizza pizzaaaa

21. Do you drink your soda with straw?

I dont have an issue drinking it either with or without a straw but I prefer without since you know *Poison Ivy's voice* gotta do enviroment

22. What colour socks do you usually wear?

Bold of you to assume I only use 1 pair of the same colour and not go all harley quinn on my feet.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?

When its an urgency type of thing. (Always being caferul) *Insert panic voices in the backround, followed by the 'but did you die' meme* Otherwise I drive as fast as the speed limit lets me.

24. What terrifies you?

Well they dont terrify me but like big bugs are a HUGE NO from me (if it has wings make it an ULTRA NO)

25. Look to your left what do you see?

These handsome boys

26. What chore do you hate?

Cleaning the bathroom

27. What do you think of when you hear an ausie accent?

HOT!

28. Whats your favourite soda?

Its a Colombian brand its called cola y pola

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

Depends on the mood of the day

30. Whos the last person you talked to?

My best friend

31. Favourite cut of beef?

I like beef I dont have a preference as long as it tastes good

32. Last song you listened to?

Westworld theme (lmao Im just learning piano so I kinda wanna learn how to play it... not because Im still NOT okay with what happened and want to remember Dolores anyway I can, nope Im totally fine with that, Im handling it like a normal grown adult, Im A OK)

33. Last book you read?

Oh wow. Uhhh I think it was a greek mythology one, cant remember the name 😭 its been so long since I've read anything other than the 1000 manuals and documents for work

34. Favourite day of the week?

Kinda varies from season to season, it depends on which tv shows are airing and their schedulle. It used to be sunday bc westworld but now *sighs*

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

I can do it midly fast in spanish but in english? 🤣 Im like (how do you sing the song backwards again?)

36. How do you like your coffee?

Sweet! And I prefer Ice coffee to regular.

37. Favourite pair of shoes?

Captain marvel addidas sneakers

38. At what time do you normally go to bed?

That depends, are you refering to actually sleaping? Or at what time I tuck in and either spend till sunrise scrolling through this godforsaken website looking at memes or remembering all the emabasing moments of my life in movie secuence in my brain

39. At what time do you normally get up?

8-9am

40. What do you prefer sunrise or sunsets?

Sunsets

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

I know sometimes bitches be sleeping under 3 blankets, 4 pairs of pillows and butt ass naked because you know life. But you know... its me im bitches.

42. Describe your kitchen plates

Round and white

43. Do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

Absolutely love cocktails! Anything with blue curaçao or tequila in it Im asfkkshsk! And if I had to choose a plain? Tequila for sure.

44. Do you play cards?

I do like card games and sometimes we play went we get together (family) but im not really good at it I just have fun lol

45. What colour is your car?

Dont currently own one. But my sub card is green if that counts

46. Can you change a tire?

Im a lesbian

47. What is your favourite providence?

Theres a city at the north east of the country called Bucaramanga. Its really nice the weather the people everything!

48. Favourite job you've ever had?

That would be my current job. Flying is my life! (I miss it so much 😞)

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

Long story short my mother was fixing some metal stuff and told me not to come into the house running (I was 5) so ofc I listen to the very wise advise my dear moma gave me and definitely didnt run, hence I definitely dont have a scar on my left cheek (its very tiny now)

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy

Gave my mom a letter and a beautiful everlasting rose.

Thank you, this was fun!

Tagging: @fandommember @dino-hoodie @mccdimples @hipesque @duranza @awhitefairytale @dfincher @giffing

#ask #me

[seokjxnnie]

hi, i really enjoy your writing. its clear and detailed and beautiful exactly what i've been searching for. are there any tips you can suggest in improving ones literature? or how to unlock somesort of burried creativity? how do you deal with severe writers block?

the way u got me cheesin real hard i’ll be sleeping well for days 🤧 first of all thank u for the heart palpitations this was very nice to read hehe

i find that when i want to improve my writing, i first need to have something i really want to write about, so that it gives me the motivation to just write and the desire to deliver it well bc it’s an idea/concept i really want to explore. i personally draw inspirations from movies/tv, like when i watch a scene/event that appeals to me i get inspired to elaborate on it on my own. so, i would explore whatever usually gives u the most ideas!

also, while i don’t read many books or fics myself i do sometimes skim bits and pieces of other people’s work that comes onto my dash to see everyone’s different writing style. obviously we’re not trying to steal someone’s work, but i like to see what works for them to make myself think what would work for me. like some writers use beautiful descriptive language to paint the emotions of their story, whereas other people map out exciting and complex events, so it kind of helps me to think what i’d like to do and how i would do it, if that makes sense. and of course doing a lot of reading expands your vocabulary and can teach you flow, structure, development, grammar, etc too.

tbh i write really slow bc it takes a while for me to form my words the way i want, and i am constantly experiencing intervals of writer’s block which is why i don’t update as fast as i’d like to (on top of being a full time student) so i’m so sorry if i’m not much help. just know that you’re on the right track if you’re already expressing interest in wanting to refine your writing! it’s a process that’s sometimes slow and frustrating, just be patient with yourself! also, getting feedback is a huge motivational booster for me too (which is why it’s so important to support your favourite writers with comments and feedback!), so hopefully as u post more u will find more and more of the motivation that’ll keep you going!

good luck babey hehe feel free to keep me updated on your writing journey!!

#Anonymous #answered

[damn-it-damian]

Why don't you hit me instead of screaming at each other?

and a little something I call "the sponge effect"

[long post ahead]

My parents have never beaten me up. Like yeah, my father spanked me like twice when I was like five years old - first bc I forgot to do my housework and second bc I was rude to my mum. And hell, I made so damn sure to never do that again. But that was all. Aside from that, none of them ever hit me. Not even a slap across the face. But oh, did they scream! The worst of all? Most of the time, they're not even screaming at me! Most of the time, they are just screaming at each other bc of some absolutely stupid thing. Or, one of them is screaming bc of the other one, but the other one is not even there! Like, my mother was screaming and went hysterical for nearly 30 minutes the other morning because my father have thrown away her water bottle when he was cleaning the kitchen the day before and now, she have to go and buy another. And of course it works the other way, too. Father screaming bc of something my mother did. Best of all? They start screaming at each other when the whole family (him, her, me and my 16-year-old sister) is having dinner bc of something that happened yesterday morning but they haven't seen each other until now. And me and sis- we are just sitting there bc we are not allowed to leave until we finish our meals and we are not allowed to take it to our rooms or to throw it away. And I'm just silently clenching my fists under the table so they won't see and slowly but surely I'm about to cry.

And suddenly, they're all like, why the hell are you crying? Stop it. Nobody is hurting you!

But you do.

You are hurting me so much, you just don't realize it. This screaming of yours, it's hurting me so much! I know that probably none of you is doing this to me intentionally, that none of you is hurting me knowingly and that you're just venting out your anger, but if you just want to take your anger out on someone and make yourself feel better - here I am. Just hit me, but please! Stop screaming. I know that you're not hitting me bc you don't want to hurt me - I am your child after all - but you just don't realize that you're hurting me so much more when you do this. Why don't you just slap me across the face instead of all this screaming? It would be just so much better! It would hurt, yes, but it would be just so much better that all of this.

Like, I can deal with physical pain. It's so much better that the psychical and mental pain. Yes, all those bruises hurts like hell but it all fades away eventually. Psychical pain does not. It may get weaker, yes, but it's still there. And it still hurts. All those insults and that screaming - it's all still there.

That's mostly why I'm skipping dinners now bc there's always a possibility that something like this will happen.

So, the actual story is: today I've woken up to my mother screaming. Like, a lot more than usual. She went completely hysteric. I mean, she was in the kitchen which is on the ground floor, I was in my freaking attic room on the freaking third floor and it still managed to wake me up from my deep-ass sleep. At first, I thought that I can manage to just ignore it. Clasp my hands on my ears, burry my head under the pillow and just ignore it. It's the best thing you can do, when she's like this. I mean, every time I hear people scream my body just stops working. It's in some kind of paralysis when I have a need to curl on myself, close my eyes and clasp my ears until it ends. But man, just how much I've been wrong. There was like no way I could survive with ignoring it like that because it just didn't end. I had no idea what's going on or why she's so mad, but I thought that maybe if I go downstairs and ask her what's happening them maybe I could help somehow and end all of this. (like, I know that it actually doesn't work bc I've tried so many times and it never helps, but I just needed it to stop!)

So, I got up from the bed, I went downstairs and casually, in the soft voice and without any screaming or shouting I asked her what's wrong. And man, I've never been screamed at as much as this in my whole life. I seriously though I'll start crying. I mean, not because I was screamed at, but the feeling of that moment was just so wrong! And I still couldn't make out what's wrong, I had no idea what's happening. It all just felt so wrong.

Like, let's say that I'm quite empathetic and a way more 'softer' and more 'sensitive' than other boys (at least more than all the boys I've met till now) and I just can 'feel' the emotions of other people (gosh, that sounds weird). I mean, it affects me like, a lot. Casually, I'm referring to it as 'the sponge effect'.

That's something I made up myself so please don't judge me but people seem to understand it more if I have some name with which I can call it. And basically, it works like a big sponge. I'm here and like a sponge is absorbing water, I'm absorbing emotions of other people. Like, when I'm around someone who is sad or crying - even if it's a complete stranger, someone I've never seen before in my life - I just feel like crying and if it's really intensive I'll most likely start crying, too. It works like this with all kinds of emotions but sadly, it's a lot stronger with the negative ones. At least in my case.

So these emotional outburst are... let's say it's really difficult for me.

And like a big sponge, I still continue to absorb all emotions from people around me and people I meet. And I just keep them inside unit there's no room and I'm completely overwhelmed. And then, when the sponge is full you have to squeeze it to wring it out so it can absorb new water again. The only problem is that I can't let those emotions go. I mean, of course I can let my emotions go, but that applies only on the 'good ones'. But I just can't take my anger and negative emotions out on others. I mean, that's what people do - someone is mean at them and 'gives' them that emotion and they 'pass' it to the next person by being mean to him. Like yeah, I'm angry as hell, I wanna scream, I wanna shout, I wanna swear, I wanna punch something till it breaks but I just can't. For some reason. Or I just really don't want to, I don't know. I mean, it's probably a good thing bc I'm not 'passing' those negative emotions on other people but I can't keep them in either bc honestly, it's killing me. Like, all that rage and anger and hatred is still in there and it's pilling up. And I still keep it in bc I just can't let it out to hurt other people, unit it becomes something I can deal with: sorrow. Just keep it in long enough till all that hate and anger fades to sadness and sorrow. Now, that's something you can work with, isn't it? Sure, you can! (please don't.) But yeah, basically I can deal with sadness a little bit better than with anger and I can actually let it out. So yeah, I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm full of self-hate. But that's okay, right? You can cry in secret so nobody can see you and your negative emotions won't affect others. (It feels so bad, please don't do this qwq). But it works. And then I just cry it out. All of it, all of those emotions. Till I'm an empty dry sponge again. And it all feels so cold and wrong. And I feel empty and alone and I'm just so touch starved. I just so miss that most basic kind affection like patting on the back when I cry or hugging when I feel so empty after all of that.

But hey, here I am - ready to suck up some new negative emotions.

You still here for the actual story? Great! (I literally love you if you made it to this point! qwq)

So, after I went downstairs and gently asked my mother what's wrong, she screamed her head out on me. But I wasn't able to make out what's actually going on. And I just felt so bad because I actually care but she didn't even give me a chance to help. But okay she doesn't want to speak to me? That's cool, I won't push.

I just... need to... get out of here.

So I just ran out of our house without thinking. Just grabbed my jacket, pulled on some shoes a ran out like that. Like, the whole freaking street of people saw my undies bc aside from the jacket I was wearing only my sleeping t-shirt. But I absolutely didn't care at that moment. I just wanted to get away from all that screaming.

I mean, I'm not a rebellious type of child but today I've seriously considered running away. Not to upset my parents or to make them miss me, no, I just want to get away from all of that. I didn't run away tho. I just sat outside on the street and when I saw them leaving for groceries I quickly ran back, changed into some normal clothes, took something to eat for later and then I ran to my uncle's house where I "hid" in the cellar - all before they returned from the grocery shop so they couldn't see me.

Well theoretically, I'm still in our house, bc our and uncle's house share the same wall, but here I feel a way more safer rn. I mean, the cellar is basically underground, main unit of central heating is based here so it's warm in here (not like on the street rn) and it's relatively quiet in here. Like yeah, I still can hear some of my parents' screaming (bc of that one shared wall) but it's a way less than when I'm in my room and I can put my headphones on in here which I can't do at home bc my parents assume that I'm purposely ignoring them when instead I'm just trying to block out all that shouting. Plus, nobody knows I'm here! (yeah, my uncle knows but he won't tell)

.

What I was about to say is, that today I finally told myself that I've had enough and that after I finish school (I have finals in less than one month from now) I'll visit a psychologist bc I really need to talk about this. Mostly bc I wasn't really allowed to visit her until now, because only mentally ill people visit psychologist and you aren't ill, now are you? But you know what? Fuck you all!

Also, I probably can't move out yet, even if I wanted to (and the hell I want!) bc I don't have enough money but I told myself that I'll make damn sure to live away from home when I start college. And when I'm at it I also need to come out from the closet and find myself someone who'll help me out of my touch starved misery.

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/

#ichapersonal

[sweettsubaki]

ok so apparently my step mother told my dad she thought I was trying to get between them?

And like.... is she serious? I'm the type of person that would take my resentment ro my grave rather than try to do something like that. Both because my dad's relationship has nothing to do with me - so far there don't seem to be any abuse patterns... slightly toxic ones but mostly because he has to be in between us and that's partly my fault. And because while I'm unable to confront others about how I feel due, in part to my social anxiety - also the fact that I'm a coward and a generally avoidant type of person-, I am waaaay too honest to be able to lie and manipulate to that point.

Lying about doing my homework or not having forgotten to pay my bills? sure. Going out of my way to break my dad's relationship? If I truly wanted to I'd just have lashed out once I couldn't hold it in... but it never even entered my mind.

Does she seriously believe I'd get in between my dad and someone who seem to generally make him happy?

I already have to try to calm things down because she got vexed two/three years ago when I said I wasn't a hugger and her thing about hugging every time you're in the same room was too much for me but I could do it like... at meal times or something like that (and apparently that was me rejecting her idea completely... smthg along the lines of "if you don't want to hug just forget the whole thing". Like I know that I'm not the most sensitive person and I tend to mess up, I usually can recognize those in the immediate aftermath but that one's not on me).

And it got worse every time... once I couldn't find a date to coincide with when they wanted to go to the Pays Basque to release my mom's ashes in the sea (my scheduled was too messy to be able to tell so far ahead and in the end I couldn't go) and she told me that they were going to do it because at least one person cared about my mom's last wishes... I'm still really really mad about that one and apparently she doesn't remember saying it so it's all in my head. Which, honestly was the point when I was done with her on her personal level btw because this was wrong on so many levels, one of them being that it was absolutely not my mom's last wishes and that something this dumb would soooo not be in even the top 50 list of her last wishes (my family's not good with this kinda stuff in general, I'm pretty sure my dad even forgot where his dad was burried, we're more of a...memento kind of grievers... graves and bodies? not really our thing).

Anyway she thinks the problem is that I'm too self centered (granted it is one of my flaws) so no matter what I'm the one who's at fault and I should just apologize and do what she wants.

I'm generally all for keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. Hell I can often even admit that it's my fault if it'll make the other party leave me alone (unless it's something I'm hyper focusing on...then I won't) granted I usually insist that in a conflict there are two parties at fault even if one of them is more at fault that the other... I usually have issues with moral absolutes so I just try to nuance things a bit, like if I didn't answer you bc my phone was on airplane mode to save my battery then yeah it's kinda my fault bc I should have checked my phone sooner but if it's on airplane mode the call's just not gonna get through - it wouldn't either if the battery was dead anyway, so, mostly my fault, but not only because I don't think taking credit for smthg I had no control over is helpful to anyone... I usually leave it alone if the person's stubborn but I always at least try.

The thing is that she insists that everything is on me. I'm the one who doesn't help enough and who doesn't spend time with others and I should be considering their place as a 2nd home and I should feel safe to be myself there... except almost every single part of myself is problematic and I should just stop being the way I am and be better and the only reason I'm not healed from my anxiety/depression/whatever(apparently I might be autistic or have ADD) is because I don't want to... Like yeah I've used over 7000€ going to therapy over the years bc I don't want to feel better... it's totally not money I could have used for something I'd find interesting like books or travel or games or merchandising or food.

Seriously what do you want to say to that? My preferred reaction is "yikes let me go back to sleep and leave me alone, we'll each have our turn at having to deal with my dad". But my dad insisted that I continue the conversation because she's not feeling well (no kidding, she's suicidal... oh and she managed to get past her issues 'cause she fought for it... I'm sorry but I'm clearly not the only one with mental issues), so I tried, again, and I might try again if she contacts me directly. But now that? Like if the chance to reconcile had been slim before, now it's non existant unless something weird happens like aliens kidnapping me. This is such a bad understanding of my personality I don't even know where she could have even gotten the thought (I mean I have an idea but it's not linked to my behavior)

I honestly thought I had matured but I'm having flashbacks of my teens by thinking that dealing with people's feelings sucks and I should be allowed to just read and play and be left alone away from any and all conflict (Playing Ostrich? me? more likely than you think)

#Seriously I would have meen fine ignoring her until she went away. I can last years #My Posts #don't have a read more on the phone #needed to rant