#because with toh it’s like “what if something different happened??” And it’s all AU’s | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

Visit Blog

Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.

Fun Fact

Tumblr has a 66 index score for customer satisfaction in the US.

#because with toh it’s like “what if something different happened??” And it’s all AU’s

regular-gnome · 2 months

Note

Through many AUs I've been through, yours are the one I like the most, because it's a more realistic one.

I can see that the "cruelty" of other Collectors are not like that they are evil.

For a being that is older than universe, they are like the Gardeners of Stars, as a gardener you have to cut it out what is dead, you have to treat the soil, prepare it for a new tree, now with planets it's kind the same, they visit, they watch, and so they decide if some species is worth to keep and if they are not worth for keeping.

And so, this process of leaving a juvenile collector in a planet till the dominant species dies is kinda a hardening process, in order for them to grow mature and to not let feelings intervene in the decision process, like being a doctor, you must put aside the fear of hurting the patient in order to heal the patient.

But in TOH things got different, they found a species that represented danger to themselves, so they used another species to kill the titans and the little collector paid the piper.

Im very glad you enjoy the AU:D

The concept is rooted in the idea that generally, people or characters don't choose evil simply for the sake of being evil. But nobody is omnicent, they react to whats happening, trying to figure out what might be "best" as they go without really a way to know for sure if its a right call. Having power to destroy a planet with swipe of finger rises the stakes for literally everyone. When the Collector was releashed during King's Tide the game changed. If Belos had managed to control them - nobody would have been able to challenge him. Even Odalia tried to suggest totally reshaping the isles. Seeing anyone as mostly/ only dangerous power sources creates power imbalance, something that can evolve into very shaky and actually dangerous relation when the other side realises they were never really considered a equal person and having the ability to revange. There is a lot of implications and possibilities when someone possesses such power with no oversight and unlimited time but also is a person that doesnt want to be alone:D

If involvement with mortals ends in some kind of complications the collectors will be around to see the consequences, even if they don't directly experience them so sort of desensitization toward the very life they are trying to preserve is bound to happen. "They live for so short and can cause so much change in their own system, its best to control the situation" type of mindset. Also thinking of ecosystem like gardens that need work on makes it easier to deal with, especially since with the scale of galaxy they cant just spend unlimited amout of time in one place full of creatures that do not want to be preserved. Their actions come from a place of care but there is inherent cruelty in their concern

Sooo yeah, its the perspective that might develop in that kind of situation and might end up with leaving one of their own alone for eons. But who knows, this AU is a lot of theories in a trenchcoat and i dont want to defend their actions. Killing all titans? yeah thats bad. It's more about theorizing why anyone would consider that a reasonable option while also not being evil just cuz

#wow i hope its comprehensible #also speaking of gardens #So sorry to every slug that “lived” in my pumpkin patch #your sacriface was an vital element for this au to be created #...and it serves you right for killing 26 pumpkins #my poor pumpkins #i couldnt save you #the owl house #toh #toh fanart #owl house #toh collector #the collector #the collector toh #collector toh #the archivists #toh archivists #toh collectors #ask

64 notes · View notes

crimeronan · 6 months

Note

Would the canon selves have any reaction to the poly shenanigans happening in the au, or would that happen in canon too?

Forgive Me i've started talking about something only tangentially related:

i'm gonna be a canon toh polycule truther til i die. i have two incredibly large complex polycule charts (one for the adults and one for the kids) that threaten to cover the entirety of both the boiling isles and connecticut by 2025

this is going to sound very strange and pathetic but bear with me. i am aware that polyamory was not intended in the writing and i am also aware that some people hate polyshipping of found families. we have different personal preferences, that's fine.

but toh is literally one of The Only pieces of media i've Ever seen that 1) validated that the found family stuck together being enmeshed best friends for life, and 2) wasn't weirdly meanspirited toward polyshippers/multishippers about it?

i've also had my feelings hurt by a lot of other unrelated pieces of media wrt polyamory lately which makes toh even more special. like i don't think you guys know what a Big Deal it is that everyone has matching tattoos and clothes and movie nights and whatnot..... and there was Never any meanness about drawing Clearly Demarcated Lines about Who Is Together and Who Isn't?? there weren't even any jokes along the lines of luz and hunter being asked if theyre dating and retching comically.

like. every single detail put into the epilogue was explicitly about reinforcing that these people all Fucking Love Each Other, that the canonically platonic relationships are no less important than the romantic ones, that they haven't all split off into their little monogamous pairings, and that they all have strong individual relationships with one another.

like i interpret it as polyamorous because that's what i like doing, because i'm very annoying and project my polycule onto everything. but it is genuinely so fucking special that i CAN do that without needing to overwrite canon or wince my way through a handful of mean jokes?

so people can pry toh polyshipping from my cold dead hands. it's not canon and was never intended as canon but it could be because the writers care about all the same things that i do with these relationships.

ANYWAY. as for your question. i don't think that the polyamory would surprise them, but i think the Sheer Level Of Neuroses would. the canon kids are like okay so i'm pretty sure this is SUPPOSED to be called ethical monogamy. WHERE ARE THE ETHICS

#'WHY WILL YOU GUYS NOT SIMPLY DTR AND TRUST EACH OTHER'#replies #long post #toh #toh fambly #lavender winter #princess luz au

25 notes · View notes

scribefindegil · 9 months

Note

71?

71. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

A big old messy scratchdoc!! I try to use headings to keep the information somewhat organized, but they work best if I let them stay pretty sprawling. It's usually something like:

Top section: What are The Themes? Why am I writing this story? Are there important symbols or visual motifs I want to keep track of? Are there reminders to myself that I want to see frequently to bring myself back into focus (re: tone, characterization, types of description or details to focus on)?

Character Section: I don't always do this, but for big fics or things with a large ensemble cast I usually lay out each important character, the basis of their arc/conflict, and how they contribute thematically to the story. If it's AU or set post-canon or there are other reasons that information about the character would be different from their canon counterpart, I note it here.

Reference section: Any specific research I've done for the fic. Lists of things like minor characters' names, descriptions of settings or OCs, etc.

Revelation List: I stole this from DMing advice blogs, but any time there are mystery elements to a fic I always lay out the Revelations (what the characters need to learn) and the specific clues or circumstances they encounter that allow them to reach those conclusions. Do they find and interpret evidence? Do they get information from another character? Do they do research? Even if I don't plan out all the details of the plot, I need to understand how the characters are going to reach each of the Revelations or I'm going to get stuck.

Timelines: I don't always do these either; it really depends on the fic, but if there's a specific chronology I need to keep track of (or a secret structure that would get lost in the full outline) I try to write it down

The Plot: Finally!! The actual outlining part! I start by writing bullet point versions of the events I know will happen (I usually have a pretty strong sense of the beginning and climax of a fic by this point, even if I still have a bunch of fine-tuning to do) and then work backwards or forwards to fill in the gaps. If it's a mystery fic (and most of my longer fic has at least some mystery elements) I refer back to the Revelations list to make sure I have scenes that cover all the necessary Leads and Revelations to get the characters to the endpoint.

Snippets: For certain scenes, the outline version doesn't accurately capture the Vibe I'm going for, so I have a section at the end where I write quick, tiny, scaffolding-style first drafts. These usually have almost no relation to what the final scene actually looks like, but it's about pinning down the idea and the atmosphere.

These documents are really big and messy and I usually need to go back and edit them as I go, because my original ideas inevitably undergo some shifts as I figure things out, but that's the fun of it!

It has to be the right type of fic to make this worth it, but sometimes I'll also do a scene-level outline in an Excel spreadsheet, with columns for Scene, POV Character, Location, Characters Present, Events, Reactions, and Plot-Important Info. This is good for super plotty/mystery-heavy fics and fics with big ensembles that I can't keep track of other ways. I have an enormous and beautiful outline in this style for the Owl House Tam Lin AU which I do still want to write someday, bc while I didn't end up loving TOH as a whole I do love a lot of the characters, and also we came up with possibly the best plot twist of my life involving 400 years of moon phase records so. It's on the back burner but it's still on the stove, as it were. And the good thing is that because I have such an exhaustive outline it will be easy for me to pick back up at any time if I want to!

#memeses #thanks for the ask!#this makes it sound much more organized than it actually is lol #but!! the important thing is to write everything down!!#even if you are not cursed you probably won't remember things as well as you think!#and if you are cursed it makes it a lot less scary to have all the info there so if you just Absolutely Cannot Write for six months #you don't risk losing all your cool ideas

32 notes · View notes

wingstobetorn · 10 months

Text

I HAD A THOUGHT FOR MY ROLESWAP AU, HOLY SHIT.

A scene I've had in mind for my Toh! Roleswap au, is Hunter dying in what I suppose would be considered the Season 1 finale?

All Lilith can see is red; perhaps he died in place of her, something similar to Caleb and Evelyn (Because let's not forget that Lilith is related to Evelyn too!)

When Luz died in the season 3 finale and Eda and King were so fucking ready to murder? Yeah. Full on owl beast form here. The Collector stares in confusion, why is she so mad? He doesn't understand death.

He brings Hunter back, like it's nothing. Hunter doesn't have time to process what happened before he witnesses Lilith completely losing herself. (In a fashion I personally imagine Evelyn did.)

Yk that fucking Hollow Mind where Caleb is hugging Philip, who is honestly looking scary as shit? Yeah. I imagine them paralleling that.

I didn't mean to make completely different storylines for this au, I really didn't, but scenes and storylines just keep coming to me and I can't help going oh? 👀

Lilith feels guilty whenever she looks at Hunter. He was her student and he failed her; how long until she manages to fail him again?

#toh roleswap au #I was gonna post this on my private acc because I get embarrassed rlly easily but whatever. this is my blog and my au #I post what I want

3 notes · View notes

disregardcanon · 11 months

Text

toh grishaverse au i found in my notebooks today

long ago backstory: functions as the darkling, but with a more Belos TM backstory. he’s the okats’ya younger brother of caleb, who was the first shadow-summoner. he and his brother had to travel a lot as kids because they were still orphans and outcasts

philip knows about caleb’s powers and blames them for having so often, even though caleb tries very hard to hide them.

at their newest village, caleb meets evelyn clawthorne, the daughter of The Miraculous Morozava Clawthorne, the greatest fabrikator in history. evelyn is another fabrikator and they both live openly in their ravkan village, helping openly with ailments more like zowa.

then the village is raided. after the wittebros flee with evelyn and her father, philip turns the rage toward evelyn and ends up killing both evelyn AND caleb.

papa morozova brings back evelyn but is either unwilling or unable to bring back caleb. in a rage, philip steals caleb’s body and escapes under the cover of darkness... CALEB’S darkness. it turns out that in killing caleb, philip inherited his powers.

most of the other characters are in the 2nd army years and years in the future after belos has created a safe place for grisha... to eventually kill them

slightly less long ago backstory:

Lilith- is kerch, the sun-summoner, and the daughter of grisha who are NOT a fan of the 2nd army. but she comes to ravka anyway because she thinks that it will help things and has been a fan of ravka’s “pro-grisha” propaganda as opposed to the secrecy they have to live with in kerch. she also, uh, tried to give eda a potion to incapacitate her so that lilith could bring her with to ravka and that went VERY wrong. owl-beast kind of wrong.

as a response to the sun-summoner’s arrival, belos sends his current golden guard (darius’s mentor) out to seek morozova’s stag. the mentor tries to draft darius to help him with the job, but darius feels uneasy about the idea of how, exactly, belos wants to use the amplifier. his mentor is hurt but knows that he needs a competent fabrikator to help him, even if it isn’t darius. he asks alador instead.

alador does it despite numerous warnings from darius that it’s a bad idea, and thus he becomes important in the hierarchy and secures himself a marriage to the powerful and wealthy odalia blight.

belos uses his knowledge of what happened to eda as leverage against lilith and promises that if lilith can capture her wayward sister and bring her to ravka, he will “heal her”. (it’s mainly a way to study what happened to her and see if he can implement something similar as a pox against grisha specifically)

The Golden Guard- hunter- a creation of philip’s using caleb’s bones and merzost. he does not have grisha powers of his own, except for mal’s tracking instincts, due to his connection to caleb and evelyn.

blight family affiliations: odalia=heartrender, alador= durast, amity=durast, emira= healer that odalia tries to force into heartrending, edric= alkemi

Darius- all purpose fabrikator. he does it allll and is both feared and envied for that

Eberwolf- squaller

Willow’s dads- alkemi who want willow to be a fabrikator because fabrikators don’t see combat. one of them is a shu refugee and he’s willow’s bio dad

Willow- a grisha with very strange abilities (plant based? what?) trying very hard to to be a fabrikator, but with her lack of ability and shu heritage... it wasn’t going very well.

Gus- prodigy squaller obsessed with different cultures and languages. his dad is zemeni man who was captured by druskelle while traveling and fled to ravka when he managed an escape when he reached fjerdan shores. he’s a tidemaker.

Boscha- heartrender

Mattholomule- inferni, along with his big brother steve

Raine- a squaller with a very niche use of it through manipulating vibrations, especially through music.

Non-2nd Army

The Collector- immortal saint

King- strange offspring of an immortal saint with distinct powers, including being a live amplifier.

Hooty- the sea whip :3

Delll- farmer and keeper of a home for wayward grisha. he has complex powers

Gwen- healer obsessed with trying to “fix” eda

Eda- lives on the outskirts of ketterdam and spends her time trying to help indentures, especially grisha indentures, escape their bonds. she also hones her strange and complex grisha powers

Luz- raised in an insular community in rural kerch by a zemeni man and an transracial suli adoptee raised in kerch by kerch parents, luz is still herself. her school’s headmistress talks camilla into sending her to a boarding school in the north of ketterdam. luz decides to go exploring as she arrives in ketterdam and ends up almost indentured before eda finds her.

might come back to this and try to make it coherent, but right now this is just a transcription of my notes from months ago... so

#toh #toh aus #grishaverse #lilith clawthorne #philip wittebane #edalyn clawthorne #grishaverse aus

5 notes · View notes

edoro · 1 year

Note

1 and 17 for the fic writers ask?

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?) - hmmm, that's a hard one...

every human touch i think pretty neatly lays out what you can expect from most of my TOH fic, and while i did give it an explicit rating because the abuse occurs on-page, it's not nearly as in-depth or detailed as any of my other fics.

paint the blood is also a pretty good one - you get character work, worldbuilding, Hunter's Horrors, interpersonal interaction, hurt/comfort, etc all wrapped up in a nice Teen rating.

a terrible case of the past is one of the first long fics i actually finished, and while it's a bit dated now and i'd definitely change stuff if i could, i am still pretty proud of it. i also think that tells you a lot about my goals as a writer and what i like to do with pacing, character work, interactions, plot twists, etc etc.

17. What highly specific AU do you want to read or write even though you might be the only person to appreciate it? - hhhhrgrhrgh so many. SO many.

i think right now the top two are "the political intrigue focused au where Belos somehow gets taken out and Hunter ends up on the throne and has to deal with various factions attempting to exert control over him and manipulate him to fulfill their agendas as a puppet ruler" - i want the intrigue, the politics, i want to see Hunter in way over his head and struggling to do something he truly was not actually raised to do in the way he should have been because the whole 'prince' thing was only ever a flimsy cover story, i want to explore how the adults around him would continue to try to use him for their own gain and who he would and wouldn't trust and especially how that differs from who he should or shouldn't trust

and "the extremely specific one that exists only in my head where Belos raises Hunter as a pet rather than a soldier and Raine ends up manipulating and exploiting the hell out of him to try and stop Belos while being absolutely wracked with guilt over it", because i want more Raine Whispers Being A Stone-Cold Bastard content and to also explore what happens to Hunter when his entire life story is less 'child soldier' and more 'Nicaise from Captive Prince.'

#asks #ask game #csa mention

7 notes · View notes

fayraje · 1 year

Text

Toh Parker Chang au

I had this vivid dream where Gus and willow were one non-binary character named Parker and now I’m really invested in this au, beyond the character.

So, first things first, them and amity broke their friendship cause illusion magic is looked down upon by her parents. One of the things I didn’t like about canon was that they made it seem like willow shouldn’t be looked down upon, because she’s actually super powerful, instead of because bullying is wrong.

Another thing I’d change was make amity less of an active bully. She’d get her posse to leave Parker alone by saying things like it’s not their fault they have no talent. She’d be distant not cruel. So Parker sees that she’s unhappy with them and doesn’t give up on their friendship.

So Parker and Luz cheat with the abomination to impress Amity. Amity gets super upset because she’s scared of what odalia would do to Parker if amity lost her top student status to them. And in the convention, she accidentally steps on kings cupcake and got caught up in accusing Luz of dragging Parker into trouble. The cheating things still happens, but amity’s scared of what her mom would think about the fuss.

(I don’t understand why amity would bully willow if she was forced to break their friendship. Nor why she burned willows memories. It spoke of ‘my parents and peers look down on you, so I’ll do the same’, but not ‘my parents threatened your chances in hexside if I spent time with you’. They could’ve gone the route of amity being embarassed about anyone knowing she was once friends with willow, accidentally causing more damage than intended, trying to fix it and realizing what a mess she’s made by keeping up an act that made her miserable. Instead amity isn’t held responsible for her actions. Her parents didn’t tell her to mock willow. I love her, but she messed up.)

Parker is more like an older Gus, with willows backstory. They still love human stuff, and have Willows parents, being blasian,

So now luz is super curious about amity and their relationship progresses mostly the same. In understanding willow, boscha decides to mess with Parker’s memories as a prank and amity unsuccessfully tried to stop her. She and luz go in Parker’s head, and she’s super nostalgic about all their time together. Inner Parker meanwhile has gotten fed up with amity, and attacks her, asking why she didn’t want to be their friend. Amity breaks down, and blurts it out and immediately clams up. Parker cools down enough for luz to fix their memories. But things aren’t solved.

In Grom, amity’s biggest fear is her mom and she doesn’t want everyone finding out and asking questions. Luz offers to swap with her just like in canon. Then she finds out luz’s biggest fear is also her mom, though not in the same way, not that she knows. She tried to help, but grom turns into odalia. Luz helps her and they do their dance thing. Amity develops her crush, later than in the show. Wing it like witches is mostly the same. After escaping expulsion, since she no longer has to worry as much about her mother doing something to her friends, she loosens up.

Parker has the plot with the glandus kids, but the golden guard had infiltrated them. (Hunter also feels completely different from his first appearance in escaping tides. They did the cool badass who’s really an awkward nerd better with Lilith.) Everything goes the same, except hunter betrays the glandus kids, compliments Parker on their skills and tries to steal the galderstones for belos. I’m He’s Parker foiled them just like Gus did.

Then, in ASIAS, Parker is suspicious of hunter and tries to follow him and mess with his recruiting efforts. Hunter’s just impressed and kidnaps them instead and everything else goes the same. They’re somewhat concerned for hunter and become friendlier.

In labyrinth runners, Parker’s upset that Amity’s being overprotective, same as willow was. Unlike in canon, they’re not that capable of damage, so they feel inadequate and worry that she’s right. They run into hunter and are still somewhat suspicious. Luz had filled them in on what happened in latissa, and their own experiences make them think he’s just misguided, which still is dangerous. They have the same storyline Gus did, and later confront amity. They tell her that they may not be powerful in the traditional sense, but they are not someone to babysit. Amity agrees and ribs them about taking out a coven head.

Huntlow would instead be wild ranger, I guess. There’d be more banter and teasing. But now I’ve run out of steam

#TOH #oc #willow park #gus porter #amity blight

1 note · View note

mackbookpro · 1 year

Text

no character limit fanfic post woo

oh yeah so i guess i can use this place to ramble about stuff twitter requires 20 posts for so lets talk about fanfiction and the value of alternate universes and characterizations

ive been reading a lot of owlshow fanfics (for obvious reasons, hyperfixation lol) and something i think about a lot is like, the value of creating an alternate universe where defining aspects of the original work aren’t present. let’s take TOH and “no powers / all characters are human” fics as an example. part of me wonders what the point of writing a fic where magic and alternate realms, things integral to the show and the journeys of most of the characters, isn’t present.

it’s not that i think you can’t write a fic where that stuff doesnt exist, that’d be fucking stupid and as we all know i am very smart (/j). rather you could say that if you’re going to write a fic that takes away stuff that makes the original work unique, why not just write it using your own characters and world? taking magic out of TOH is like taking the gem elements out of steven universe: something integral to the setting and characters is no longer present. what then is the point of writing an AU like that?

well i think the answer is really just that people like to see characters with pre-established identities and thoughts and characteristics do stuff outside the canon of the show. these characters already exist, you’re just putting them in different circumstances. maybe they don’t have magic or aren’t witches or whatever but they’re still the same characters. but what happens if you end up writing them way differently than the show does? if you change aspects of the characters too, you’re even farther removed from the canon of the show. so then the questions becomes “why are you using these characters to tell this story if you’re gonna change so much about them?”

at the end of the day i dont really have an answer. ive read TOH fics where there’s no magic involved and the characters are written differently than in the show, but i still recognize them as TOH fics bc they use the names of the characters, as shallow as that sounds. i could ask why these characters were used for this story, but who really cares? people like to write characters they like into stories they want to tell. if aspects of the original work like the setting or the characterizations of the characters are really different, that’s ok because it’s your story. there’s no law stating you HAVE to stick to the original show’s setting or depiction of characters. that’s part of what makes writing fanfic fun, at least for me.

look idk if these questions have ever been asked by any sane individual but i wanted to write this somewhere. a lot of this is also me trying to rationalize the idea of cutting magic from the in-progress fic im planning/writing while also rewriting some aspects of the characters to fit the narrative i want to write. i’ve asked myself if it’d be better to just create new characters instead of using ones from a pre-existing work but at the end of the day i want to write these characters in this story because...i want to see them in it! and this is my fanfic so i can literally do whatever the fuck i want, and i think that’s neat lmao

#fanfic

1 note · View note

citadelspires · 3 years

Text

since I’m more or less back in business I feel it’s past time I ramble about another au I will (probably) never write. I’ll start off simple with an amphibia owl house au I was thinking up last night at work. (slight disclaimer that I have not seen any of season 2 yet so this is with exclusively information through the end of season 1). Concept below the cut cause it’s a pretty extensive one.

The concept starts at the same point the owl house does, more or less. Camila is concerned, Luz is getting sent to summer camp etc. etc. This time she gets distracted by an unusually pink frog hopping into the woods, and decides she probably has time to go chase after it. So she follows it into the woods until she suddenly trips over something and falls to the ground, turning around she sees it to be a music box sticking out of the forest floor. Curious, she digs it up and starts examining it. She thinks it’s really pretty and she’s about to open it when she hears voices coming from nearby and goes to check it out.

She finds Willow and Amity in a small clearing, think essentially the scene in the actual owl house where she sees them for the first time, except here they’re both human, though Luz doesn’t know them because they both go to some pretentious private school, Amity because she’s a Blight so she had to, and Willow because she got a scholarship for it and didn’t have the heart to tell her dads she didn’t really want to go. The scene plays out in a similar fashion to how it does in the actual show, with the exception that this time without the magic element Luz doesn’t feel the need to keep hiding and instead marches up from her hiding place to chew out Amity for being a jerk. Unfortunately she stumbles on a tree root as she approaches and, still holding the music box, accidentally pops the lid open.

So that’s how the three of them get transported to Amphibia. I like the idea of taking the setup and world of Amphibia, which we’ve seen through the lens of the characters that got transported all being close “friends”, and coming at it from a different perspective, i.e. one of them is a complete stranger to the other two and the two that do know eachother are already not on very good terms going in. (Amity and Willow have essentially the same history in the au that they do in toh).

Luz is dropped right in the middle of Newtopia, and while she’s very excited about the prospect of a fantasy adventure, she’s also pretty worried that she has no idea how to get back home, and she doesn’t take to the city as well as Marcy did. Part of this is due to her having her doubts about the ruler of Amphibia, who in this case is not Andrias, but Lilith(I understand Belos is probably a more fitting character for the role but I just don’t know enough of his character or really care about him enough to implement him, so Lilith it is! She’s more interesting for the setup anyway, depending on what Andrias’ weird master thing ends up being, maybe that would be a belos type deal but honestly I’d probably just not implement that part into this. If you can’t tell this is much less a “amphibia but with the owl house cast” and more of a actual approach to writing something new with the old setting and characters).

This is mostly due to the fact that, while wondering around the city attracting suspicious stares from newts that have never seen someone like her before, she ends up bumping into a newt who appears to be running from the majority of the city guards. They both fall down and Luz helps her stand up, a showing that is enough to convince the guards that, whatever the weird creature is, it’s in league with the felon, so they begin chasing her too. The criminal newt, who is of course Eda, takes pity on her and brings her along to her hideout, where she meets a weird little robot that insists she refer to him as King. He begins to declare that his full title is “King of...” and then kinda falters off as he seems to realize he actually isn’t quite sure what he is. Luz gives Eda a concerned Look but she just kinda shrugs it off and says he always does that.

Luz finds out that Eda deals in the trade of questionable artifacts and considers herself pretty lucky to find someone like that as soon as she did, and she asks if Eda knows anything about a music box, describing it as best as she can, because she didn’t really think to take any pictures. For her part, Eda is pretty sure what it is, and that’s the moment where she resolves to watch over Luz, at first just because she’s Concerned the box is back in Amphibia, though it eventually ends up that she gets a soft spot for the kid.

Though Luz doesn’t find out a good deal of this until later, and it’s gradually, Eda is still Lilith’s sister here, meaning that yes, she had equal claim to the newtopian crown, but the history of the crown never sat well with her (i.e. she finds out newtopia was built on the foundation of bloody conquest, along with the fact that it’s encouraged they want to get back to that point and nopes out of there). While she’s on her way out she starts off her new life of stealing shiny things by grabbing a weird little statue that had always seemed kinda off to her. She figures she could sell it at least, but while looking over it after escaping she realizes that it isn’t a statue at all, but what she decides must have been a defective robot from newtopia’s past, being much smaller and more... expressive? Than it should have been. For some reason she decided to try fixing it, and though it took a good deal of time she eventually got it to work again, which is how she came to be friends with King.

Luz’ story is largely slice of life relationship building with her, Luz, and King, until the point where the path to the valley opens, and the three of them go on what Luz finds out is an annual trip Eda takes around the valley to see if she can find anything interesting to add to her stand, as well as find new customers in the valley. Luz figures if she has a shot at finding either of the two girls she came with, and hopefully the box too, it would be on that trip.

Willow gets thrown into Toad Tower before she even realizes what’s happening to her. She has no idea where she is, didn’t even get a good look at Luz before the teleportation happened back on earth, and is overall not having a great time. She’s not convinced she’s not dreaming until she’s literally tossed into her cell and the impact hurts enough that she’s sure she’s really there. At first she believes she’s alone in her cell until she hears an awe-filled voice ask what she is and why she’s there. She isn’t able to figure out where the voice is coming from until a tiny blue frog jumps up on her hand. She introduces herself as a human, which gets him very excited, and he introduces himself as Gus, explaining that he was thrown in prison for “almost kind of knowing things he shouldn’t” as he put it.

It turns out Gus is something of a scholar, though he admits that most frogs are more inclined to call him a crazed conspiracy theorist. All of his studies have to do with mysterious other worlds and their inhabitants, which he has always been stubbornly insistent do exist. He’s overjoyed that he finally has “a real life specimen!!” and Willow is excited enough at the idea that there might be someone who actually knows what happened to her that she lets that comment slide. She quickly finds out what the meaning behind his weird prison sentence is, as she brings up getting sent to this world from another, and he attempts for a wise nod as he goes “ah yes, you must have experience an encounter with the calamity bucket.” Still he’s kind of helpful and he and Willow get along pretty well, so they end up hanging out together for the rest of the story, he basically tags along everywhere with her Jiminy Cricket style.

Amity has arguably the hardest time adjusting to the world she suddenly finds herself in, as she ends up in the forest on the outskirts of Wartwood, and promptly determines that this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to her. Despite having the box that “weird girl” used to send them here, opening it and closing it over again provided no help at all, and trying to go into Wartwood provided even less. Still being in Full Blight mindset she is really haughty and superior and the townspeople do not take it well. Even deducing Toadstool as the only persons superficial enough to potentially care about her status, she can’t get anything out of him cause he views her as a massive publicity risk, which he’s already not doing super well at.

The only frogs in the village that seem to not turn away from her immediately are a mischievous pair of frog twins that joke around and mess with her, and though it’s all lighthearted she’s stubborn enough at first that when they do offer to help her out she flat out refuses them. Eventually between living in a cave and their hanging around her whenever she’s in town anyway she’s worn down enough that she begrudgingly accepts their offer of help.

Not being Blights in this au has done a good deal in the way of making Edric and Emira happier. While they’re just as much of tricksters as they always are, and they occasionally overstep a little in their jests, they’re quick to apologize, and lack any of the actual malice behind their knack for causing trouble. The two of them run one of the stands in the marketplace, something they get Amity to help out with eventually as the town warms up to her. The two of them find it easier to grow closer to Amity than the rest of the town does, maybe it’s cause they’re the only ones who have really tried, or maybe it’s cause they’ve got a reputation for being trouble in the town already anyway. Whatever it is Amity gets begrudgingly closer to them until she eventually refers to them as her siblings once, and though they refuse to let her hear the end of it for a few days, they’d been calling her their little sister since the beginning, and while Amity had been certain for a long time they were just doing it to mess with her she starts to like it eventually.

Like in Amphibia, the three girls all represent one aspect of the Heart, Strength, Mind trio. Figuring out what those all are takes a lot more for these girls than it does for the amphibia trio though. The focus of this story is less on the relationships the characters have, though that is definitely a part of it, and more on the attributes their assigned to and the personal growth they have. Each of them holds the attribute that is both their strongest and most repressed. The three all hold themselves at very little value in the areas they’re actually the strongest in, and through their journey in Amphibia they start to learn.

Willow had always believed that strength was an inherently negative thing. Strength equated to power, and people who had power used it to hurt others, without fail. People like, well, Amity. She prefers gentleness and peace, and to her that and strength is mutually exclusive. She reacts to the concept that she could be charging the box with the attribute of strength very negatively.

Through her time in Amphibia she gets to learn that her strength can come in different forms, and while she is undeniably strong physically, her physical strength is nothing compared to her emotional resolve and capacity to extend that emotional resolve in the strength of heart to pick up the people around her when they need it. She does, though, get to learn that power isn’t something that is inherently evil, and even that if she uses the strength she has to protect the things that are important to her, that doesn’t mean she’s forsaken any of the things believes.

aka she gets to punch a heron in the face. Boscha (captain of toad tower) is very impressed, though she pretends she isn’t. Speaking of Boscha, she gets to experience a similar development to Willow, but more on the reverse side of the coin. Having always been powerful, and that having always been enough to make her more important than everyone else, Willow strikes her as weak at first, given her lack of aggression. The longer she stays stuck with Willow though, the more she comes to realize some important things, foremost among them being that Willow could totally kick her ass, and just chooses not to, which isn’t something Boscha understands at all, and Willow ends up teaching her how to be more of a person than a weapon, even just leading by example.

Much to Willow’s complete disbelief, (she swears to Luz the box is broken and they’re doomed), Amity is the heart. Amity doesn’t really believe it either. Strength would’ve been Okay, but personally she would’ve picked the attribute of intelligence for her. It was like the box went through all the effort of looking into their souls and didn’t even bother to check her report card. Ludicrous. It doesn’t help her that her time in wartwood is miserable for a good deal of the start. For the first time in her life Amity isn’t perfect, and it’s all because there’s nothing to be perfect at in this stupid little town. She should have all the frogs praising her superiority, but literally None Of Them are impressed by her in the slightest. They didn’t even have a school!

The only thing Amity took to quickly in Wartwood was the town motto, resolving that she would be even slower to respect the citizens of Wartwood than they would her. This started off a bit of a rivalry between her and the town, but the longer she had the horrible influence of her parents replaced by the well meaning nagging from her frog siblings, and the more time she spent not being perfect because for once in her life she literally couldn’t be, she started to think it wasn’t so bad after all, and the little rivalry between her and the town became much less of a real one, and a lot more of the friendly banter type, though she couldn’t recall ever making a concious choice to do so it just sorta... happened.

Eventually she starts to think about the school she was initially so annoyed didn’t exist, and begins to wonder if really no one is gonna do anything about it being in ruins. Eventually, she starts going over to the ruined building and reading to whatever kids in wartwood were in the mood to listen. before she knew it she had built up the closest thing to a school Wartwood had in a while, and where she once would have felt a smug pride, she only felt a casual happiness that was new to her, but not entirely unpleasant.

Luz never would have considered herself good at any of the three options. She knows she’s not strong so that’s out. All the kids at school think she’s weird and she has no friends so she really doesn’t think the whole “heart” thing works in any capacity. But the only thing left besides that would be intelligence, and she’s had enough students and teachers alike call her out for being an idiot that she’s absolutely confident that isn’t it. It doesn’t help that since she’s with Eda, who actually knows what the box is, she ends up worrying over what she’s supposed to be from the very start. She spends a lot of the time before the valley opens up thinking the box made a mistake, and since she didn’t have any of the attributes it wanted it wouldn’t work again at all.

In the end she only finds out what she’s supposed to be through process of elimination. Knowing Willow is strength and Amity is heart she finally comes to the realization that she’s supposed to be intelligence, and her confidence crumbles. Of all the options that’s the one she’d been hoping it wouldn’t be the most. How could so many people be wrong after all? It was pretty unanimous back home that she didn’t really have much going on upstairs, and after hearing it enough time she had gotten around to believing it. Her path in the story largely focuses on coming to terms with her own worth, despite her insecurities and the weight of everything she’s ever heard to the contrary constantly on her mind.

29 notes · View notes

animerunner · 3 years

Text

Hey TOH AU Writers We Need To Talk

TLDR: Can some of y'all be a bit more careful with your decision making surrounding the series handling of curses? Because for some of us its not a curse its a rep of a disability/illness. Some times you all accidentally stray into ableist territory and I'm like 95 percent confident it's not intentional. Which is why I'm making this post. I know to some of you Eda's curse is just that a curse. A slightly possible inconveniant plot point that you have to figure out how to deal with.

But here's the thing to some of us in the fandom. Eda's curse represents something very real representation of something in media we don't get to see often. A chronic illness, a disability.

Do you know what its like to hear a character say a line you have come close to saying? Or have said? Do you know what its like to stop in the middle of Agony of a Witch because the season finale hasn't aired. And the line about Eda's body fighting herself hits soo close to home and your not sure if you can finish it now. I've mentioned this before but I spent an hour crying after the finale because there are so many fantasy tropes that have accidentally ableist undercurrents (love cures all, hi take it from someone who has good friends and loving parents: this doesn't work and is a harmful message to those of us with a disability. Intentional or not your saying we are ill because we are not loved enough. I really hope I don't need to explain why that's messed up). I had gone in assuming the worst and figuring we were going to lose the rep.

The fact Dana and the crew didn't just hit the reset button and act like it never happened. Was and still is a huge deal. So with that in mind. PLEASE be careful with how you handle the curse. Disability erasure is a very real thing and some of y'all seem to default that over . I get wanting to explore other alternatives. But its a bit of a bitter pill to swallow at times to see people just erase it. Unless your deciding to explore the specifics of an Eda without a curse.(which is always the AUs I always feel the most conflicted about) Please try not to default to automatically removing the curse if you want to improve her relationship with Lilith. There are other ways to handle it without just erasing a very real thing for some of us. You could: Swap it for a family curse. (implying a genetic inherited disability vs an aquired disability) or have her cured but have a different long term consequence (swapping the disability for another, which is what I'm doing in one of my AUs), put the curse into remission so you still have the damage but its no longer active (which is essentially canon it appears). And there's probably other stuff I'm forgetting now but that's just a couple of suggestions.

#the owl house #toh #toh au #the owl house fanfiction #writers #long post #this turned out waaay longer than i thought it would #but for the rest please be careful with handling the curse #some of this is unintentional #which is why I'm putting it out there #side note op that inspired this fic and i talked #turned out this was done on purpose to put part of the plot in forward #which is actually the kind f thing i want to see #because it shows unnecesarily unhealthy ideas that characters work #though so yeah good idea #i just unfortunately have a reflex built up from reading fanfic for this long #i hate that my reflex with this is defensive

46 notes · View notes

whisperingrockers · 4 years

Note

would u. i dunno. perhaps articulate some thots on toh infinity train au 😳 if u can

HM. i will do my best. but...i dont really know how to organize my thoughts. i guess i should probably just start with the characters and go from there, huh. also in this particular au these characters don’t actually take the place of tulip, lake, jesse, grace, etc- i think they’re all just there under different circumstances.

Luz

okay so we’ll start with Luz because. she’s the main character, y’know. very important. i think the catalyst that brings her to the train is her mother signing her up for Reality Check summer camp because as a creative it’s just! disheartening to have someone you love tell you that you’re not going to make it in this world if you don’t conform to what everyone else wants. so of course when a huge mysterious locomotive suddenly pulls up to the bus stop you KNOW luz gets on, no hesitation. after all, isn’t that something right out of a sci-fi adventure novel?

unlike tulip, luz is THRILLED to find herself on some unknowable train where each car is a new adventure just waiting to happen, where there are always new friends to make, new places to see, and tons of puzzles to solve? she’s made to feel like the protagonist right out one of her fave animes.

also, really important to note that her number is probably tied to how she relates to the other passengers on the train. i feel like there’s an overarching theme in the show about how luz is going through a lot of firsts when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially friendships, so i wanted to keep that going in this au- i imagine her number goes up when she finds her friends tapes and convinces them to watch with her because this is obviously the easiest and most straightforward way to get to know them! (luz poppin that bad boy into a vcr player: this mama is ready for trauma!)

realized how wordy this is going to be LOL

Eda

hough so this is a human au also (i assume? infinity train world really do be existing in some limbo state of reality where your reflection can just up and ditch you). i see her as a jack of all trades, master of none type, with a lean towards perfumes and handmade soaps that she sells at fairs or farmers markets and also pickpocketing. i think she sees something that reminds her of the life she used to have/would have had before lilith [redacted because i do not know what she DID yet but on GOD we will have canon continuity] and that drives her to get on the next train headed anywhere.

her number is tied to how much she allows herself to open up; the more she uses her salesman cover to keep others at arms length, the higher her number goes, which is why it’s so important for her to team up with King and Luz; they help her open up and be more honest with herself.

King

king is actually a denizen of the train in this au; i love him too much to turn him into a real ass dog, so i wont. eda meets him in a car full of plush toys, which he refers to lovingly as his army of the damned. i almost want to hold off on writing up any more for him because i know there’s more to king’s character than meets the eye. still torn between eda trying to bring him off the train with her or having him realize that the whole TRAIN is HIS KINGDOM, and all its passengers loyal peons who need their mighty rulers HELP, for without him they would PERISH.

for now though eda sees him and is immediately like get over here (reaching emoji)

Willow

willow is a tough one for me because in all honesty having your longtime friend tell you out of the blue that they can’t be friends with you anymore would be enough to send me packing to the train, but with willow i think it’s less about amity and more about how the fallout between them affects her social and academic success. the frustration reaches a tipping point that has her running out of the classroom and finding the train.

and yes, willow is a very sensible, bright girl, but she was also SO ready to trick the principle and steal from the emperor for her friend so i don’t think getting on a mystery train is wholly out of the question for her, y’know?

There’s a lot about repression in the way willow deals with things generally, so her number is tied to passivity. the more she allows others to infringe on her personal boundaries to keep them placated, the higher her number goes. when she stands up for herself to others (sometimes even her friends!) the number goes up. willow x agency and clear limitations is my otp

Gus

gus was actually a SUPER easy one for me we know so much about him from the episodes he’s been in; he’s an overachiever, he’s passionate about what he loves, he’s a natural showman, and he is constantly pushing himself to be the best that he can be, all the time. the hustle doesn’t STOP for gus, and i...i...(tears up)

anyways, i think the thing that draws him to the train is getting suddenly ousted from the club he formed at school. he’s young, and having everyone you had assumed were your friends turn their back on you and throw you out of the space that you CREATED FOR THEM would be shocking to anyone, but it broke gus’ heart clean in two. after he’d picked his bag and himself up off the hallway floor, he’d left the building in a daze, not even realizing as he boarded the train door that had suddenly opened up in front of him until it was too late.

i’m actually going to go so far as to say that gus would likely be the one MOST interested in the truth of the train- he’d be asking the tough questions, like what is the purpose of the train? who made it and its technology? where does it exist that it can be both at his school and also speeding across a barren desert landscape at the same time? How does it create sentient lifeforms? the train helps him discover a new passion; journalism. he finds a journal that speaks to him as a friend and advisor in one of the trains, and he takes careful note of everything that happens to and around him. by the time he meets up with willow, he’s got so many ideas and theories that the other girl would have never thought to consider until that very moment.

idk what his number relates to because he’s perfect the way he is but if i had to take a shot in the dark it probably has something to do with finding somewhere he feels he can belong, as well as being able to mourn and let go of the people he’d considered his friends before he’d gotten on the train.

sorry this is so long i just have a lot of . gus feelings.

Amity ( + Edric + Emira )

lumping these whites together

okay so nobody wants to hear me talk about blight angst there are 800 posts about blight angst, so long story short the three siblings run away, get into an argument with each other, amity ditches them for the train while they’re asleep, and the twins panic and chase after her, determined to find her because in the end they’re all they’ve got.

‘next stop: amity blight’

i think it’d be a cool journey to see the three of them going from ‘we need to be together out of necessity’ to ‘we need to be together because we love each other, and that genuine support structure will pull us through when everything else fails.’ but in order for that to happen they all have to have their own journey, so at some point edric and emira finally get into a spat and that’s enough to get edric and emira stuck on opposite ends of a retracting bridge. send that mans to the BACK of the train.

emira: my greatest fear is being stuck with edric forever emira: (gets separated from edric) emira: haha wait please say psyche

amity’s number is definitely tied to her fear of failure, of not being enough for the people she holds closest to her- in this case her siblings, and then lilith, and then luz when they finally meet. when she acts without concern for what the people around her think and when she sticks up for what she knows is right, even when the majority is against her, her number goes down.

for ed and em im...i don’t want to think about their feelings because they’re supposed to be clowns but i am forced to consider that they may be jealous of their sisters independence. also separating them means they both have to take responsibility for all their own actions and choices, which is probably pretty new for the twins.

Lilith

im out of energy actually znzzzsnsz uh. estranged sister who sees something that reminds her of the relationship she used to have and she’s not actually as over it as she thought so the train....she..hghrg

#toh #the owl house

193 notes · View notes

unioncolours · 3 years

Text

A 2nd Majsasaurus Year!

Today, 22nd of September 2021, it’s been two years since I officially joined the magical world of fandom. 22.9.2019 I uploaded the first chapter to my fic Shadows and Sand, and the rest is history.

I did a deep dive into my first year as a fic writer and active member of fandom last year, when it was my first anniversary. You can read it here!

In that meta discussion about my membership of fandom, I presented it as if walking on clouds. I was so, so happy and talked during all the discussion about my happiness in fandom.

Since that post was written, my life and also my perception of the fandom I am part of has changed. Change isn’t always bad, as I really had a honeymoon phase with fandom over a year ago, and the low after hit hard.

But let’s see what I’ve been up to and what I’ve been writing! The following year provided much change and fun things! Please keep reading 💜⬇

The first fic I wrote since 22.9.2020 was a Sakura x Ino fic. I had for a longer while been interested in writing a woman-loves-woman ship, which I had never done before, and as a wlw-person myself the urge to explore that part led to Promise me this is just a kiss. The pairing itself was chosen on rather random, it had to be two women and I like Ino, so I chose the most popular Ino-wlw ship for this for convenience.

I really liked writing the fic and it was well-received! It was the first time I had written a fic that was entirely centred around exploring feelings and having sex.

After this I jumped directly onto the next idea that had been boiling inside me for a longer while. Up to this point, all I had written, except the wlw-fic, had been set in the Naruto canonverse and I was itching to try to work with a multi-chaptered modern au! The pairing was of course my beloved Shikadai x Inojin.

It was during the creation of this fic I began to struggle. This was a new genre, as this was romance only and all my other works had been action and fantasy based, except the sex fic of course. I was maybe over critical and stressed, which resulted in me having a hard time writing it. But I made it. Was the sky always this beautiful? ended up being 35k long, and in hindsight, I freaking love, love, love how it turned out in the end and what it represented. I am very proud of this fic.

I “upgraded” as a fan by the end of October when I bought myself a digital drawing tablet. I began drawing fanart of Shikadai and Inojin and preferably them two together, haha! I still draw a few days a month and find it extremely fun as a side hobby beside the writing.

We are now in November 2020. By this time, I had completely finished my zine fic, Under the Scorching Sun, which I had written during September and October, for the Shikatema zine I was kindly accepted to. I was proud of what I had created and was eager for the rest of the contributors to wrap up theirs, so we’d have a wonderful zine for sale in 2021. It was lovely to write ShikaTema again. As the zine fic was about to be released in months from when I had at first finished it, I wanted of course to write something fans and friends could immediately take part of on the internet. I had hyped myself up to a state where I wanted to write a third and final story in my series To love and never let go, my epic series about Shikadai and Inojin.

Now, I should maybe have waited another month, but I was worried the readers would give up on me if I didn’t write it right away. In December, I began writing To find hope in the Universe, with my usual speed and love for the art.

What I by then didn’t realise or even recognise was that I was very slowly turning burned out. I ignored all the signs.

In December I wrote simultaneously as Hope in the Universe a fic that was part of the Shikatema server’s Secret Santa event. The fic’s name was The Ghost Stories of our Hearts, and it was ShikaTema, as the event’s name suggests. It was fun to write and despite the final big fic, Hope in the Universe, pressing down on me, I finished The Ghost Stories of our Hearts and was very happy with the result. Sadly, at this point the burnout began taking control over me, and I never managed to reply to the comments.

The 15th of January, I began uploading To find hope in the Universe. It was a lovely experience, even if it was tainted by negative feelings coming from my decreasing happiness and the fact that it didn’t do as well as To dance above the Stars, the second fic in the series. To deal with two very contradiction emotions, loving my work, the characters, how I have painted an entire world around the characters and how I knew some people honestly loved my hard work, and then the negative feelings coming from not feeling good enough and depressed, was a difficult thing to navigate and still is when I think back to that time. It didn’t help that during the process of uploading the fic I went through grief, and I chose distraction as my coping method. I kept writing and working, the only thing I ever knew.

Our pre-order of the Shikatema zine was in full motion by this time and it was a nerve-wracking time! Mostly because of excitement but also worry. I’m super happy for my friends who were part of the zine, with whom I could share all the excitement and nervousness with. The zine ended up making good sales, which made me happy among the uploading of the long fic.

To find hope in the Universe was completed 31st of March 2021. When I uploaded the final chapter, I felt nothing. It was so weird, so spooky, to have finished a long fic and a series on top of that and not feel anything. But deep down, beneath the layer of depression, I felt great pride.

That was the emotion that broke free once the burnout left me. Pride.

I had created this empire of Shikajin, a whole alternative timeline, an alternative canon from my own head and to this day, that is my internet legacy. I love Trial of the Heart, which I wrote in 2020, but if I have to choose between ToH and this series, I will choose To love and never let go in a heartbeat.

So, even if it felt depressing and hopeless in the moment, I look now back with pride and happiness. Never forget that. Never forget that I made that.

April was a curious time. I swore to not write anything, because I had by now recognised that I was burned out and needed to rest, yet managed to scrape together three smaller fics.

The first one was another wlw-smut fic, TemaSaku this time called Another Light. I wanted to explore that part once again. I wrote it in canonverse and honestly think the fic ended up extremely nice. Perfect amount of feels and sex. It didn’t feel hard to write at all, because the setting, characters and emotions were so different from the fics I had written the last five months.

Now more interesting things lay on the horizon! A new zine, the Ino-Shika-Cho zine called Beyond a Bond had an interest check during the spring, and later the contributor application. I urged in the interest check to please give us the next gen kids, Shikadai, Inojin and Chocho – my kids and babies, and when it turned out they were going to feature, I had to apply as a writer. For this application I wrote a one shot, called It’s just hair, and I loved this spunky little story featuring the best babies that I created.

I also edited one of my tumblr fics, And then I kissed him, into a longer, better version that I later in May uploaded onto AO3. It was once again a Shikajin, a sequel of Trial of the Heart, and it was a fun little project.

Now May came and I sent in the application for the zine early, which I now am relieved I did. I am happy that I did the work for the application in April instead of May, because in May I had a few breakdowns and another grieving period, which lead to complete creative paralysis. I didn’t write a single word during May, only uploaded the two one shots I had prepared in April.

What I did do in May was to read through the Shikatema zine I had contributed to! It arrived in the mail! I was so nervous; my whole body was shaking when I opened the package right outside the post office. The zine now resides on the parade place in my little zine shrine in the bookshelf. Thank you to the mods who made this a reality!

To my great happiness my zine adventures continued as I was accepted to the Ino-Shika-Cho zine as a writer and was assigned to write my favourite characters. I felt so relieved and overjoyed, mind blown by the sheer talent among the contributors.

On the other fandom front, June didn’t continue any brighter, with stress and mental pain still having a strong grip around me, despite the very happy news that I am still so grateful for. I wrote a Yamanaka family fic which to this day hasn’t seen the light of AO3, because of negative emotions surrounding it. I turned into a complete wreck compared to me in June 2020. In June 2020 I was flourishing, I loved what I did, I loved fandom and I loved the friends I had made through Discord servers. Now I could find myself crying my eyes out over a wip not going the way I wished it would. What had happened to Bex 2021?

I was so incredibly frustrated with myself, groaning in defeat when my hands just couldn’t write. I managed to push through 6k of what I called my “emo au” – more of that later – and finish the Yamanaka fic which is still buried, and on top of that I had the zine and another fandom event, The Naruto Photo Album, to create content for. Why couldn’t I do it? Why couldn’t I find happiness in something that once was my reason for happiness?

In the end, I managed to write 15k in June. My former monthly word count used to be 30k. One could think this would turn into the end of my fic writing career, or the beginning of a longer hiatus, but I am stubborn and want to meet the expectations of the people who love my content, so I didn’t want to give up. I wanted to try. I wanted to be whoever I was before.

Funnily enough, the healing came in the shape of the most self-indulgent fic I have ever, ever written, a fic I like possessed began writing July the 1st 2021. It was nothing less than a freaking fairy tale AU, namely a Shikadai x Inojin Peter Pan AU. I can hear you laugh at the silliness of it, but this whimsical AU gave me back my love for writing. I hyper-fixated on this story quite a bit and stopped writing on everything else, something I almost never do.

Only happy boys fly ended up being 21 000 words long! I knew it was a niched story, and true to my guesses, the story has to this day very low stats. Today, two months after it was published, it has just above 100 hits and 10 kudos, so for all I know, only ten people read and liked it. I try to not care too much, since I love the story and in some way, that story saved me from going batshit insane over my emotions about writing.

At this point I had begun writing my fic from the Ino-Shika-Cho zine, finding joy in silly scenes with my favourite characters and trying to heal. The writing process was frustratingly slow, but one word at a time I got forward and as of today, the draft is done. The pre-orders are in December. At the side of the zine fic I wrote a short fluffy Shikajin story, CLEAR, a story with almost no plot, because I knew how much self-indulgence could help me.

And then, I finally began writing for real on my emo au, A gang of fallen stars, which has the first few chapters up right now! I have for the first time in six months a longer fic (if we don’t count the Peter Pan story) and it feels… good. This fic is once again a modern au, but in darker tones than my other modern au from November 2020. I honestly like what I have so far, even if I during June and July almost planned to never finish it. I am so relieved I managed to begin the upload. In September the Photo Album was released and I could show my two fics I wrote for it.

It sounds like this year has been nothing but misery, and at times it felt like it. However, there are a few fandom friends who brought light to my life when I couldn’t see it. The first ones to mention are of course my partners in crime, @notquitejiraiya and @thespookymoth. Together we created a server dedicated to Ino-Shika-Cho during the spring and it has been tons of fun with the members there! Thank you two for listening to me and for being my friends during 2021.

I also have to mention Soverel, who carefully begun taking contact through comments and likes on my twitter, and later through direct messages, and it has been a fun ride ever since. We’ve had lovely discussions which are very dear to me and your support means a lot to me. Thank you for being you and for drawing so many wonderful artworks you’ve shared with me. Haha, and for making me play Genshin Impact, even though I do it like twice a month!

Another person who has made my days so much brighter is @sugarriene. Thank you for sending me that one dm that made us chat regularly, thank you for popping up and sharing panels and your wonderful drawings with me, and for vibing head canons with me. You are a lovely person, and you make me happy.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to @yoboseyokyu for listening to me when I had to yell into the void and for making me happy with your cute posts on both twitter and tumblr.

Since September 2020, I’ve written around 195 000 words and drawn close to 35 illustrations, most of them of Shikadai and Inojin. Almost 200 000 words of Majsasaurus. I’ve created a Discord server and I’ve been part of two zines as a writer, plus a free PDF-project.

It has been a wild year. A year filled with passion for my favourite characters and ship, with the excitement that came with being part of projects and hyping them. It was a year where I learned to draw digitally, and heck what fun it was.

This also a year where I learned people can be mean to me because of what I ship and that fandom friends won’t necessarily always stay to be your friend anymore and how much it can hurt. I also learned what my limits are, and what punishment I get if I don’t listen to my own mind and rest when I have to.

It was a year, guys.

Now, onto the third Majsasaurus Year. Cheers!

And those of you, who supported me when I needed it – thank you and I love you.

#majsasaurus

8 notes · View notes

theysaywhatasadsight · 5 years

Text

Wedding Bells, Part One (Steve Rogers x Desi!Reader)

A/n: *Slides up to you* Good Evening (technically its morning hehe) but this fic was made possible by Amy (some may know her, she was formerly @thelazypangolin ), by @messy-random-bitch and @officially-tonynat-shrine who listened to my crazy headcanons and gave me amazing ones. @nasarogers is the clueless American I would die for (love you bby) and @shurisneakers and @chillingbucky wanted to be tagged. Technically this is a desi au, so translations are right next to the sentence and some pop culture references are in the glossary. The story is based in Delhi so if any of y’all live there don’t come for my head skkssk. (P.S.: IDK if the ‘person sitting in the lap of another person in a car’ is technically illegal here or not? Imagine my surprise when I went to Europe and found out it’s illegal there RIP. So ignore the “is this actually allowed?” question, please and thank you.

Warnings: Floof, some violence and blood, swearing (well it’s in another language)

"Agent (L/N), thoughts?" The post mission debrief was often long and complicated but this time, one of her many gods had clearly smiled upon her as it was over in an hour. Most of the junior agents had cleared out of the room, leaving behind a few of the senior ones and the director of SHIELD. "Don't let Richardson go next time; all he does is whine and make extremely bad decisions. Our job is to provide assistance to the Avengers, not to be heroes ourselves. Let's keep ourselves a bit on the down low." "Agreed." Smith piped up. There were nods around the table. "I'll talk to Richardson, push him on a desk job for a while." Everyone stood up and filled out. Walking beside Nick, YN grabbed his tablet for him. "Always working, Sir." "Unlike you, Agent (L/N). A whole month for a wedding? It's not you that's getting married is it?" He looked completely serious but she could see the glint of mischief in his eye. "What? I haven't taken a single holiday in a year. Besides,its my cousin's wedding; they're pretty close." "I suppose you're not joining us for the Islamabad mission?" "Not really, already I get called unpatriotic too much. Good luck!"

She handed off the debrief files in the Avengers' living room. A few were lazing around, some off to shower or maybe nap. She herself wanted one, not wanting to wrestle with a saree and a suitcase. "So I hear you're not showing up for the next month?" She handed the file to Natasha while Tony looked up from his phone where he was declining with Pepper and Morgan who were away to Chicago for a meeting and visiting Pepper's family. After Ultron, it was always better to have physical copies of files. "Yeah, cousin getting married." "Oooh, with the number of days you were leaving I thought it was yours." "Don't, Fury already made that joke. And besides, wouldn't I invite you lot to my hypothetical wedding?" She smiled as she sat down on the sofa next to him, grabbing an apple from the coffee table. "Considering it was Steve's wedding too I would think we would already be invited, I did call you all to mine." He smirked. Y/N nearly choked on her apple. "Wait, what?!" "Darling, we know you've been hooking up. Or planning to." Natasha sighed and glared at Tony. "So much staring at each other on missions. You always covering his ass, and might I remind you of the time he went into a coma after a mission and you nearly ripped the place apart?" "Clearly, your super senses are gone because there is nothing there. Nada. Zilch. There is absolutely no potential there. We're just colleagues." "Colleagues who hooked up once? Last new year's you two were slobbering over each other. You left Bucky and Me dancing alone to that...what was it called again?" "Sheila ki Jawani*?" "Yes! Amazing song, by the way. Movie didn't make a lick of sense but then again, which heist movie does?" Glad at the change of topic, she smiled. "Do you need more movie recommendations?" "Nope, Bucky and I still have your old list to go through." "Call me if you need explanations. Only WhatsApp calls though, I'm not shelling out a fortune to explain the reincarnation of Shanti Priya* to you."

Hungry, jet lagged and extremely fatigued she landed at the Delhi airport, hoping against hope that the crowd assembled at the pick up was for the Tik Tok star that was also on her flight and not because her whole clan hadn't seen her for 3 years. But when was she ever lucky? When she had left the army to join SHIELD everyone had been very disappointed in her. Not that any of them knew. For immediate family, she was in HR for Stark Industries and for the rest she was in 'Amreeka, doing something or the other'.

When they told her she would be sleeping alongside her younger cousin who was training to be a doctor she just sighed. The nerd would probably study the whole night and keep the light on. Maybe she could do some pending work; jet lag would keep her awake anyway. Work, yes. Work would keep her awake. Definitely not daydreaming about a pair of blue eyes that wouldn't go away; the owner of whom was the biggest fattu (coward) she had ever seen.

He missed Y/N. It had barely been 4 days since she was gone. He should ideally know better. Fraternising among agents wasn't good. Her job would be in danger if anyone found out. He never really had a thing for rules though. "Good God, Rogers, stop moping about and give her a call." "I-what?" "Yes." Natasha frowned at him from where she was leaning against the countertop. He was crushing the cardamom, trying to figure out if it went after the chai was done or before. "Ask her when the cardamom goes in. I think it's before the whole thing boils." "I, uh, I'll look up a recipie." "Care to tell me why Steve Rogers, who loves coffee as black as his soul is trying to replicate YN's sweet as hell chai? Couldn't you get some from Starbucks?" "That's no chai,that's just tea and milk. She had it once and almost threw it at the barista's head...Nat, why are you looking at me like that?" "Nothing, nothing at all."

"They're no longer in Islamabad." "What?" "Someone leaked the details of the raid to them. They're moving it to India now, possibly to the capital. They have enough contacts to pull it off, even HYDRA's helping them." "New Delhi, isn't that where Agent (L/N) is now?" "Fury, she's on vacation; besides she's not picking up any of her calls." Natasha glared at Nick. "A radioactive gas that can take out the entire subcontinent and a dude who's not stopping at anything to further his our-return-to-the-dark-ages agenda? Pretty sure it beats all weddings. Send someone with the briefing and gather your team. We’re sorting this shit out, fast."

"No. Absolutely not. I'm not going to show up at her door asking her to cancel her family commitments and go back to work." "Really, the concern you two have for each other is extremely sweet and nauseating; but you have to do it. Get in, get recon and get back in contact. If the rumour is true we'll have to assemble the whole team." The former assassin rolled her eyes at Steve's aghast face. "I got her address off an old file; I'll ask her to pick you up. And please, don't get lost somewhere; we really don't have any spare agents to track you down." "I've been outside the States before, Widow. And using confidential information for personal purposes? Nefarious." "This is the reward I get for being a good wingwoman. Fine, don't come crying to me when you're invited to her actual wedding." As he set about packing he daydreamed about jumping off the top of the compound and wondering if his feet would still work to escape into the surrounding forest.

She got the text the minute Natasha assumed Steve's plane took off. "Your boyfriend is headed towards Delhi. Introduce him, be the black sheep you are and for the love of God read the files and make a plan." The rest was just code saying the plans had changed, the expected mission derailed. When her family began pestering her, saying that her turn at the altar was next and asking about boyfriends, she had blurted Steve's name by accident, the fact that it made a perfect cover was a different matter. That's what happens when you space out while talking to Sunita Chachi*, woman has a tongue sharper than Gordon Ramsay's knife. Her mother had just smiled sadly and asked two of YN's younger cousins to share a bed when told another guest would be joining them.

30 minutes after the plane landed he immediately wanted to go back. What he was used to was executing secret and well-coordinated missions, not the actual planning and coordinating. Sam argued he was growing soft. He just liked listening to YN's voice. And now he was in an unfamiliar land with no foreseeable end to his stay and a wedding to attend, apparently. YN smiled at him at the receiving line, smiling as a lover receiving a spouse after a long separation. She walked up to him and whispered "You're my boyfriend from work, you know zero hindi and Natasha introduced us." She embraced him and leaned forward for a kiss. It lasted shorter than he would've liked. She continued whispering as she grasped his hand and lead him to the car which already had three people in it. "Did you pick up more guests?" "Nope, they just wanted to see you first." Opening the door as Steve tossed his bag in the back she yelled something at the assembled children and got in the right. Was the kid in the front supposed to drive? "Do you need an invitation?" One of the kids yelled out.

He had judged wrong. There were not only three teenagers, there were two more kids who had been too shy to outright stare at him like their elder siblings (he assumed) had. One sat in his lap, staring outside the window. The others chose instead to glare at him unnervingly. YN drove, swearing at everything. One of the younger ones laughed at something she said and immediately had his ears covered and shushed."Didi* don't teach Gudiya bad words!"

"Arey baba sorry, tu toh janta hai traffic kitna bura hai; akele chalane ki adaat ho gayi hai bhenchod. Sorry." (“You know how bad traffic is, I’m used to driving alone, sisterfucker” Basically the reader’s saying the traffic is the worst and how she’s used to driving alone and hence swears often while driving; also people from Delhi apparently like to attach swears to everything.) She grinned as her cousin gasped again. She was at the moral, change-the-world stage. YN missed that.

“So, change of plans?” Pinky grinned at Y/N as she looked up from a complicated looking textbook. The kid had somehow made it to medical school without losing her mind or her calm demeanour. “I’m only gonna switch places at night, right now let me study Anatomy.”Sighing at her cousin’s confused stare, she glared back. “Arey you’ll want to sleep next to your boyfriend na?” “Uh, yeah, I mean, thank you, but it’s no problem. I don’t want you to get in trouble because of me.” “Calm down. If we get caught sneaking around in the middle of the night its worse for the two of you. I got into MBBS, I can basically get away with murder now.” she smiled. Y/N wondered whether her cousin would be a sociopath or a leader later. She went about chalking up the updated plan for the recon, only hoping her family would behave themselves around Steve. She caught some part of her wishing it was the real thing so that the poor guy’s suffering wouldn’t be in vain.

Hey bhagwaan (oh God), I need gangajal* and a stiff drink. Also a lobotomy.

“How did that idiot even cross the border this quick? And how are we getting informed this late? This is going to be a logistical nightmare, the government is going to put the pressure on us.” “Maybe someone exposed him or he got pushed back down on the social hierarchy. It’s a mess.” On the pretense of sightseeing, Y/n had dragged Steve away from her nosy relatives to get details for the now completely changed mission. "Can I try that?" He gestured to the bowl of chaat* in her hands. "Don't cry if you find it too spicy then. You couldn't even tolerate my butter chicken; even my youngest cousin can eat that." "My tongue is really not fond of burning and not being able to taste anything for a fortnight." "Oh? What is it fond of then?" His answering blush made her smile. "I-uh, we need to report within three days, Nat is busy getting everyone together and ready for the mission." "The engagement is in 2 days! How are we even going to get out?" "How much do you like this cousin anyway?" "How. Dare. You. Rahul is one of the few I actually like." "Yeah, how many are there? I lost count at 13." She punched his arm and snorted, earning a smile from him and a glare from the chaatwala*.

YN truly regretted coming back here. The never ending taunts, the upcoming solo recon mission (that she would have to give Rahul’s engagement a miss for, he was one of her favorites too) and the fact that the guy she had been thirsting over the past few months was suddenly her so-called boyfriend. Massaging her temples as she got up to get ready, she hoped desperately the recon would not involving fighting. She already had thinning hair due to the stresses of being a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, her hair being yanked out while pins were still attached to her hair wouldn’t help the cause.

"Mummy!" She yelled over the din of the loud, jarring music. Her mother was smiling and gossiping with her sister-in-law. "Thoda kaam aa gaya; Delhi wale office Jana padega." (Some work popped up, I’ll have to go to the Delhi office) "Itni raat ko? Uss gore ko lekar?" (So late? With the foreigner in tow?”) "Are kuch nahi hoga, bohot important hai, warna nahi jaati." (Nothing will happen. It’s too important, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone.) "Wapis aa jaiyo jaldi, raat ko ghumne safe nahi hota." (Come back quick, It's not safe to roam at night.) "Pakka." (I promise)

"MADARCHOD!" (”MOTHERFUCKER!”) She grunted as she ducked, the bullet nearly embedding in her collarbone. She fired back two shots, one at a goon's head and one at his accomplice's knees. Whipping her head at a noise, she gasped as Steve has a bullet graze him as one of them took a lucky shot at him. He only winced. The goddamn lehenga* got in the way of her running after the idiot who could run like fucking Milkha Singh* even after being shot in the knees. They both chased. The recon turned ugly after someone spotted the tent she was wearing that was pretending to be a skirt. If they somehow got out alive, she'd burn this thing. By the time she caught up to Steve, who had left her long behind, she came upon a sight that gave her a heart attack. The men (apparently some were laying in wait for them) all lay dead in various poses, with Steve in the middle grunting and struggling to get up. Firing at someone who awoke, she leaned down, cradling his head in her hands. "Steve. Hey, whoa. Don't die on me. Where are you hurt?" He was bleeding all over her skirt. "Knife to the ribs. Two or three times..may...maybe. Hurts like a bitch." "I'm getting you up. We're going home, okay?"

This was a terrible situation. Somehow supporting the huge, burly figure of an extremely injured Steve, she set him down, leaning against the bike they had zipped around on and somehow escaped on, looking for her phone in the carrier attached. She lived this bike even when she lived here; it belonged to her uncle who would give the keys to only her. The sagaai* had clearly ended an hour or so ago. People still milled about, probably the men from the tent house they had booked for the whole tamasha*. “Shobhit, neeche aa. Garden ke side. Aur Bunty aur Puneet ko bhi leke aaiyo.” (”Shobhit, come downstairs, to the garden side. Bring Bunty and Puneet with you.") “Itni raat ko kya kar rahi ho bahar? Khatam ho gaya aapka office ka kaam?” ("What are you doing out so late, is your office work done?") “Are tu neeche aa, sab samjhaati hu.” ("You come downstairs, I’ll explain everything" )

“Samjhaana agar shuru karti toh achha hota.” "It’ll be good if you start explaining now." Shobit muttered as all three of her cousins stared at the crumpled figure of Captain America on the ground, to their cousin wincing in pain, her lehenga covered with blood, again to Steve. “Isko uthake Pinky ke kamre tak jaane mei meri madad kar. Yeh marr warr gaya toh naukri gayi meri.” "Help me pick him up and take him to Pinky’s room. If he dies, I’m losing my job."

“First of all, I’m not a doctor. Yet.” Pinky also did her fair share of staring at everyone. Y/N could feel her eye twitching. Whether it was out of anger, stress, or the false eyelash that had ripped from her lash line as she drove like a madwoman in the traffic, no helmet or gloves. Steve screaming like a grandma as he held on for dear life was a tiny bit amusing though. Endearing maybe, Nope, definitely not endearing.

“I should tell you that because I have very, and I mean very little experience in sewing. Particularly sewing up bodies professionally. If he dies, I am not responsible.” She yawned once, extremely sleepy. “That being said, someone get cotton, Dettol, and uh my sewing kit is in the left front pocket of my backpack. Jija*, there’s no anesthesia, but I suppose you don’t need it, super strength and all. Didi*, aisa muh mat banao (don’t make that face), just because none of the oldies know who he is doesn’t mean we’re stupid too.” Y/N shut her gaping mouth.

“He’ll live.” Pinky said as everyone in the room collectively sighed. The suture had been painful to witness, Y/N biting her lip so hard she tasted copper. Steve seemed okay now. When he had taken that guard’s knife to the stomach, Y/N’s heart had stopped. The fear she felt, that was no general fear at seeing someone stabbed or even a friendly fear (was there even such a thing or was 3 AM her just rambling?). The panic she felt was heartbeaking. “Make those self realisation faces later, Di. I’m tired and I just want some sleep. “Jija ko unke kamre tak chodke aa. Koi raaste mei mile bol dena bike bhid gayi thi, hospital se aate hue late ho gaya tha.” (Jija is the hindi word for sister’s husband. Pinky’s telling him to drop him to his room and if anyone asks to tell them he had an accident, the bike hit something and they were late coming from the hospital.) “Tu sabko heart attack dilayegi kya?” (Do you want to give everyone a heart attack?") “Aur koi bahana mile toh batao.” ("If you have any other excuse then tell"

As everyone scattered, Y/N shut the door to change. Her cousin just lay down on the bed, semi-asleep. She cracked one eye open when Y/N reached out her hand to switch off the light, whispering “So you are a secret agent?” “Nope, I sell veggies with Captain America.” “Ugh, way to thank me for saving your boyfriend’s life, with terrible puns.” “He’s not my...leave it. Good night. Oh, and PInky?” Pinky hummed. “Thanks.” “So jao.” (Go to Sleep)

“Tell Romanoff we’ll need backup. They clearly planned ahead for the move, the facility is impossible to get into, and now they know we’re coming. Also, Steve is injured." “Very well, we’ll invite ourselves to the wedding. Take care if your boyfriend until then."Natasha sounded worried but her tone was light. “Bring a gift, I’m not keeping strangers in my family home without payment.”

Glossary *-Sheila ki Jawani is a pretty popular Bollywood Item Song. Played at every wedding /party since 2010 *-The Reincarnation of Shanti Priya is a reference to the film Om Shanti Om where the leads get resurrected after having an unhappy ending *Chachi- Father's younger brother's wife; aka yn's aunt *Gangajal- Water from the river Ganges that Hindus consider sacred, its used for purification purposes (guess why Y/N wanted it *wink wink*) *Didi- Elder Sister *Chaat: some spicy-sweet snack, it's a general term; desis feel free to imagine your favourite. *Chaatwala: the person who owns the chaat shop *Lehenga: a crop top and floor-length skirt outfit worn at weddings and traditional functions *Milkha Singh: famous Indian athlete, also known as "The Flying Sikh" because of how fast he was. *sagaai- engagement *tamasha- a sarcastic way of saying how over the top the whole wedding is.

#steve rogers x reader #steve x desi!reader #steve rogers x y/n #captain america x reader #captain america x y/n #captain america imagine #mcu imagine #marvel imagine #marvel x reader #mcu x reader #mcu x y/n

136 notes · View notes

lotusmuses · 2 years

Text

I posted 1,806 times in 2021

110 posts created (6%)

1696 posts reblogged (94%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 15.4 posts.

I added 432 tags in 2021

#big hero 6 - 52 posts

#big hero six - 48 posts

#bh6 hiro - 45 posts

#hiro hamada - 45 posts

#golden guard my beloved - 45 posts

#toh spoilers - 40 posts

#big hero six series - 40 posts

#bh6 - 39 posts

#big hero 6 series - 39 posts

#locke and key - 39 posts

Longest Tag: 100 characters

#spiderman: no way home and doctor strange in the madness of the multiverse would like to have a word

My Top Posts in 2021

Does anyone know which parent Aunt Cass is related to? I originally thought she was their mom’s sister but in one of their family photos both parents look Japanese? Unless this photo is supposed to be the dad when he was young and the brothers‘ grandparents?

60 notes • Posted 2021-05-21 06:38:41 GMT

okay so i just finished episode 9 big hero battle/go go the woweroo

PLEASE THAT BOY BAND ANNOYED HIRO AND GOGO SO MUCH ITS HILARIOUS

See the full post

64 notes • Posted 2021-07-11 05:20:03 GMT

fabrikators are the strongest

some thoughts i posted on the grishaverse reddit and decided to share here too

I saw something that said that grisha could alternate between which part of their order they are in (e.g tidemaker to squaller, tailor to healer, etc.) depending on training?

If that's right shouldn't Fabrikators be the strongest? (In general. I know Ravka doesn't really find them too important yet)

Durasts seem to be able to control anything solid, the body is solid (and liquid but i'll mention that later) so under training they should be able to things similar to the Corporalki (minus the emotional aspects since the release of chemicals is more of an Alkemi thing, but of course there's not too much of a difference between the two types of fabrikator) and possibly Etherialki, due to Tidemakers being able to turn water into ice, which is a solid.

Alkemi can manipulate toxins and explosives, but on a chemical level there's nothing specific that makes some substances toxic and other's not: anything can be toxic if you have the right amount of it, and explosibility is very similar to flammability except with a lot more confinement pressure. With pretty much everything being able to be in those categories, Alkemi should be able to move through any of the orders under the correct training, especially the Etherialki order.

Leoni being able to manipulate the river of toxins (again, i haven't read the book but I believe someone said that it happens?) and Aditi removing the contaminated water from Leoni are good examples of both types of Fabrikator going into Tidemaker territory, and from there it should be a bit easier to control blood and other bodily fluids which is Corporalki territory.

I think that if this is the case, Zemeni people probably find the Materialki the most gifted Zowa since they already don't differentiate between orders which means that in the Zowa schools, it's most likely that they teach things very generally and a student probably chooses a path of study based on what they do best, which could be anything for a Fabrikator.

Also let's just remember that a Fabrikator is the reason for the amplifiers and Shadow Summoners (so by extension the reason for the Fold and monsters). And a Fabrikator made the drug that can kill all non Grisha who take it and alter/amplify Grisha abilities. (Imagine the power they could have if a fabrikator learned how to mix merzost with jurda parem- i actually have an au where one does so, or she tries at least)

75 notes • Posted 2021-08-20 06:08:27 GMT

I WAS REAWATCHING CLIPS AND I JUST NOTICED HOW HUGE THE HEIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HONEY LEMON AND HIRO IS lmao no wonder karmi calls her Tall Girl (though tbh hiro is really short- 5 ft i think? idk how tall exactly honey is but im probably closer to her height)

76 notes • Posted 2021-05-26 08:31:08 GMT

if i found out that my boyfriend is a gender fluid demon that tries to steal my keys and acts like a child because they're new to living, I would simply put a leash on him and say that if she murders someone again or tries to fight my little brother, they won't get any type of affection from me. rip to kinsey but i'm different

571 notes • Posted 2021-10-24 23:34:58 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

1 note · View note

t-anyasen · 7 years

Text

aaranya au: an old fashioned affair

general notes; nsfw. set in medieval india, so probably around the time the mughal empire had started to rise. trigger warnings for death.

Tanya looked at her mother, who lay in an opium drenched haze. The same way she'd been ever since Tanya had turned fifteen and become old enough to dance in courts; she had replaced her mother, but the roving eyes were still the same. She was done with the attention though. She was tired of her beating heart, she was tired of these graceless men who had treated her mother so poorly, driven her beautiful mother to drugs. She was tired of their hearts too and was waiting for the right man: the man whose heart she would cut out. Pushing in the nath, Tanya adjusted the large earrings she was wearing and twirled for the darzi who only gave her a nod, deeming her acceptable for the dance in the evening court. It was to be a grand event; it marked the inaugration of Rajkumar Aarav into the court. His father was still the Raja but this meant that Aarav would be sitting in on court which meant Tanya had found her mark. She was going to seduce the prince.

Aarav knew it was ridiculous but he hadn't wanted this inauguration to be such a big event; because really--it meant nothing. His father was still Raja saab and Aarav would always just be the spoilt Rajkumar. Nothing was going to ever change because Aarav truly believed his father had some special boon from some Gods up above. No matter how wounded the elder man would get in battle--he'd bounce back. Don't get Aarav wrong, he loved his father, but being an adult Rajkumar meant he'd be given some responsibilities at least right? But his father didn't agree. And so Aarav spent his days riding around, engaging in playful sword fights with some of the Royal Guard against his father's wishes. 'Agar woh aapke saath aise matarghasti karte rahe, toh hum sab ko hifazaat kaise karenge?' He was right of course, but whatever happened when the Raja wasn't in the kingdom didn't need to be told to him. Aarav was dressed in his royal formal attire, complete with a turban upon his head as he walked into the royal court. He and his father had seats away from everyone else, and with a better view of the girls dancing for them. He just hoped it wasn't boring because really, Aarav would rather flirt with one of his mother's handmaidens, then watch some girls dance and play coy.

Tanya had been adjusting the jhumkis she was wearing when one of the dancer girls came rushing in, her cheeks flushed. "Tumne sunna Tanya?" Tanya only shook her head, she was usually far removed from the gossip, not by choice but out of force. She never spent long enough with the girls because of her mother's opium addiction and most of her time was spent worrying if the woman had killed herself from the addiction. "Raja saheb ne aapko chuna hai! Unke bete ke liye." Tanya's eyebrows furrowed before it struck her. She remembered a similar custom being around when she was a young girl, she'd seen the other girls who were around her age rushing out of the house at odd hours because the young princes had called them to their chambers. She was to be the rajkumar's personal dancer, available whenever he wanted. A small smile curled around Tanya's features, pushing out her dimples. This aligned with her plan perfectly; it was as if the Raja saheb had dumped him right in her lap for destruction. She was also the youngest dancer so she always entered the routine last, as if she were the 'centerpiece' so to speak. Tanya swirled in, gliding past the other dancers and bowing to both symbols of royalty before returning to do her part of the choregraphy.

Aarav had kept his eyes on the various girls dancing in the court. They were all wonderfully skilled in performing the mujra's, each one looking even more beautiful than the one before her but he wasn't really entirely interested in any of this. Only that was until he saw her. This girl was absolutely stunning and the way she moved was absolutely fluid. It made him think of shayari and how he'd love to pen his thoughts against the blank canvas of her back. He cleared his throat to keep from staring too long and that's when he spotted his father gesturing something to him, and realized this was the girl chosen to be his private dancer. Aarav could only smile, he'd be quite happy with this arrangement, but he just hoped she wasn't one of those girls who acted all pricey with him. He'd dealt with a few of those during foreign tours he'd gone on with his father, and he really wasn't one to chase after a girl if she declined once or more. He raised his hand in appreciation once she finished her routine before throwing one of the nearby roses in her direction, wanting to ensure her attention was solely on him.

Tanya glanced down at the rose at her feet, before giving the rajkumar a coy smile as she nodded her thanks, lifting up the rose. She pushed into the waistband of her skirt, and gave him her thanks, her hand out in front of her face as she angled it slightly. Most of the girls in the court were Muslim, and Tanya certainly was no exception. There was only one dealbreaker, her father was a Hindu, and a member of this court of smug men. She sashayed out last, following the group who was already through the door. The smirk remained on her lips because she could still feel his eye on her back. Tanya turned back to give the prince a subtle wink before disappearing through the door. Of course it was a ruckus back in their quarters too with all the girls fussing over her as they teased at her hair, plucked at her eyebrows and spritzed her in perfume. She'd been changed into a much more girlish pink anarkali, and her heavy jhumkas had been replaced by small dangling earrings. Tanya exhaled slowly, keeping the rose in her hand as she knocked on the prince's private chambers. She had a plot to accomplish but that didn't mean she wasn't nervous; especially considering she was barely seventeen.

Aarav had been pleased to see that while she was still respectful, she still took the rose and nodded her thanks before keeping the rose in a place he hadn't expected it to be. He'd seen most girls tuck it behind their ear but this girl was certainly very different. He couldn't stop staring at her even as she made her way out of the court, wondering just how it was possible for someone to hold his attention so intently in less than a proper meeting. Still he was about to look away when she turned and winked at him leaving him greatly amused. He had not at all expected that but he was pleasantly surprised, perhaps this could be a very good arrangement indeed. Aarav made his way back to his chambers, bidding his father goodnight. He knew what was ultimately supposed to happen in these private chambers with these women, but he didn't like the thought of being with someone against their will even if they were meant to serve you in any way. He'd let things progress however they did and leave it at that. When he heard the knock, he knew she was there and cleared his throat. "Andar aajaiye," another trait instilled in Aarav from his mother, he'd speak respectfully to everyone regardless of their social standing. But when she stepped into the room, he felt almost besotted with her simple look. She'd changed into more comfortable clothing it seemed, and looked more nervous than she had at the court which left him to believe she was here very unwillingly.

Tanya smiled in relief at the kind way he had asked her to enter; she'd heard horror stories from the other girls of how rough these men could be. Perhaps the only reason why she was nervous. "Humne kabhi nahin socha ki humare rajkumar ji itne-- samman punye honge." She bit down on her lip, wondering if she'd said too much, if she'd been too disrespectful. The girls had chastised her about not speaking her mind too often in the presence of royalty - something that Tanya was notorious for. She placed the rose on the center table before bending down to pour the drink into the cup. She wrapped her hands around the cup before moving towards the prince, holding the mug out for him.

Aarav watched her step more in the room and was glad he'd chosen to sit on the armchairs by the window instead of on the bed like he'd been before; that would've made it seem like he was calling on her for one reason, and one only. He heard her words and had an amused smile on his face, surprised at how outspoken she was. "Tumhare? Badi jaldi humko aapna bana liye aapne.." he was speaking softly now, not wanting to startle her even more than she already was. She'd kept her gaze lowered and it made him wonder why she was so incredibly nervous when he hadn't even said anything to spark this reaction. He took the mug from her and drank it before keeping it on the table, telling her with his gestures that she didn't need to take it, and instead could take a seat across from him. That way maybe she'd raise her gaze to meet his once more; she hadn't been that apprehensive when they'd made eye contact in the royal court after all.

Tanya graciously took the seat he had offered and finally met his gaze. "Hum toh aise hi hain, jisko dekha, unko dil deke apna bana liye." If she played the part of the besotted courtesan perfectly, she'd have him eating out of her hand. He was already amused at the way she had spoken her mind, and hadn't chastised her the way that she was sure the older men would, so they were already off to a good start. "Maaf ki jiye ga. Humne yeh pehle kabhi nahin kiya, toh hum jaante nahin hai-- taur, tareeqe." That much was true, but Tanya had another reason for telling him this; she was telling him this because she knew it would garner his trust, he would think of her as someone to be protected, someone to fall in love with. She played with the edge of her dupatta, staring at him.

Aarav had to try something to wipe this smile off his face because she was having him remain amused for far too long. He nodded at her before rubbing at his chin gently. "Sab ke saath aap aisa karti ho?" He wanted to know if this was something normal for her, to becoming close with anyone even when they wouldn't have her best interests at heart. Because he knew the other men in the court and they were despicable at best. He shook his head at her words before looking away from her, this time out the window instead. "Maafi ko koi gunjaazish nahi hai. Aapne kuch ghalat nahi kiya aur kaha." But when he heard her reasons, it made him wonder why someone like her would be forced into this place. "Isme koi taur tareeqe nahi hai, aur hum aapse vaada karte hai, ke hum koi aisi baat ya harqat nahi karenge jise aapko zara bhi hitchkichahat ho."

Tanya shook her head at his words. "Sabko nahin, sirf aap jaise logon ko-- saaf dil." She listened to his words and hid a smile behind her hand, perhaps getting him to fall in love with her would be easier than she thought. Forget the father, the son was eating right out of her palm. "Par aap humko itne ache se kaise jaanoge? Ki aap jaano humari har harqat, har khwahish, har hitchkichahat se waqif ho?" She had let her voice lower significantly as she stood from her chair, moving closer to him as she perched herself on the edge of his armchair. Tanya knew she had to do something; if their headmaster learned that Tanya had not been doing the job she'd been sent to do - she would be banished. Then she would have no way to care for her mother.

Aarav had to pride himself on the way she said he had a pure heart. It made him feel like he wasn't wrong in doing what he was doing with her. He wasn't being so horrible, and maybe she was realizing that and it would help them move things along--he just wasn't sure where this would lead. But before he could say anything else, he heard her words and was about to answer. But his train of thought was gone when he watched her stand to sit down on the arm of his chair. "Waqt ke saath sab ek doosre ko jaan pate hai." He did end up taking her hand in his though, wondering why he loved the thought of her actually wanting this closeness rather than being forced into it.

Tanya stared down at their hands, and gave a soft smile. The smile of course was more for Aarav's benefit than anything else; it was the smile that she knew affected people deeply. Her dimples were showing, her eyes scrunched up and she wanted him to fall for her. Not because she had any semblance of feelings for him, but rather because it would make this task a lot easier if he was already ensnared in her trap - that way Tanya would not have to expose herself too him too greatly, narrowly avoiding falling in love with him too. The problem with these plans was that it was too easy to fall into it yourself, the lines between fake and real quickly blurring. She turned to look at him with intrigue. "Acha? Aap humein jaan na chahte hain?"

Aarav felt his heart start racing when he caught her smile. God she could seriously wound people more than one could in battle with that type of smile. He took a deep breath, having to physically control the urge to stick his finger in the hole her dimple created but he succeeded in keeping his hands to himself. But when he saw the way she turned to look at him, he had to take a step back. Did he want to know her? Yes, but you still have to watch yourself. Rajkumar's were never allowed to engage in anything other than physical relationships with members of the dancing court. But If Aarav didn't watch himself, he knew he could end up falling into something a lot more with Tanya, and it was all because of that smile and hesitancy she showed him; along with her beautiful grace and the ability to always speak the truth.

Tanya could see his internal dilemma and really hoped that his father trained in him in the ability to hide his facial expressions, considering that she could read him like an open book. She could the conflict in his eyes, in the downturn of his lips and she nudged him gently with her shoulder. Aapne humare sawal ka jawab nahin diya? Hum bura nahin maanenge agar aap nahin jaan na chaste. Hum hain nachaniyan, aap hai rajkumar." Tanya shrugged, quickly dropping the smile as she let go of his hand and settled it in her own lap.

Aarav reached for her hand once more when she let go of his. He didn't like losing that warmth. He reached for her hand again and shook his head at her words. "Woh hum dono ki pechaan hai, usse koi mita nahi sakhta," he took a deep breath before giving her another smile and shrugging. "Lekin aapke sawaal ka jawaab haan hai, hum jaan na chahte hai aapko, agar aapki ijazaat ho toh," Now he was trying to be teasing mainly because he needed her to feel comfortable even if this was their moment together. Plus he didn't even know her name yet. "Naam kya hai aapka?" She couldn't have been too old, maybe eighteen, but he still found it right to talk to her with respect until she decided otherwise.

Tanya let out an inconspicuous sigh of relief and nodded. "Mera naam Tanya hai. Hum aapka naam jaante hai-- sab jaante hai. Aarav ji." She looked around, mildly afraid that somebody would pop out to slap her for using the prince's name. She had no status to be calling him by name, even if she was his private dancer, free for him to conduct a physical relationship with. Her heart however fluttered at the way he seemed so adamant that their titles would never matter enough for them to get to know each other. Part of her felt a little bad for doing this to him, especially considering how kind he was. She slid slightly off the arm of the chair - except that meant Tanya was now in Aarav's lap and her cheeks colored with real embarrassment. She would have gotten up except his hands were keeping her there, holding on tightly to hers.

Aarav raised his eyebrow at the way she said his name. It was in a different tone and he found himself loving the way she was being so coy about it. It made him wonder about just what else she knew about him. But when she slid off the armchair and into his lap, he wasn't complaining. It wasn't as if he hadn't had that before with other women, but with Tanya--it felt different. The reason was because she was being shy in a way that the others hadn't been; almost as if they'd assume that Aarav preferred the girls to be brazen and bold--in reality, he wanted them to be real without putting on a pretense. "Aapka naach bahot acha hai," his voice was so much softer because of their close proximity and the fact that he wanted to kiss her but controlled his urges so far.

Tanya lowered her head slightly in appreciation. "Shukriyah," she thanked, playing her coy nature to the fullest. There was something comforting about being in his arms this way, the way he held her as if he would not force himself upon her was the complete opposite of the horror stories all the other girls had told her, and her own mother's story. "Aapko sach mein rajkumar ban ne ka shauq hai kya?" She'd heard whispers from around the courtyard and amongst the courtesans that the king was not exactly pleased with the actions of his eldest born son. She wanted to hear it from him, as a pretense to know him better.

Aarav gave her a small smile at her words and contemplated his answer. He didn't want to be a Raja that had to be watched by everyone's eyes. He wanted to be a king that could run his kingdom in his own way. He didn't want to be a king if that meant he'd have to be only someone ruled by everyone else's rules. But what startled him the most was how Tanya looked and seemed genuinely interested in knowing his thoughts and virtually his deepest fears. He rubbed at her back gently, almost soothing himself in a way. "Nahi," the admission was soft and barely spoken aloud but he knew she'd heard it. "Raja saab ko nahi lagta ke main Raja ban ne ke layak hoon.." He gave her a tiny smile, almost feeling as if the mood for the evening was gone.

Tanya internally smiled at his admission. Bingo, she'd found his weak spot, the chink in his armour so to speak. Her own arms came around him, her hand rubbing soothing cirlces into his back. "Aapko kya lagta hai? Aap acche Raja ban sakte ho kya?" She wouldn't ask him just yet why his father thought that he wouldn't make a good king. There were of course whispers floating through the palace: the rajkumar was too rowdy, too impulsive, too volatile and her personal favorite - he thought with his heart, not with his head. Tanya continued rubbing cirlces into his back, and felt a sudden flash of very real sympathy for this boy in front of her.

Aarav looked down when he felt her arms circle around him. He ended up resting his head against her shoulder, surprised at how the intimacy didn't scare him. He felt her soothing him and realized that she was doing the same thing he'd been doing. But he at her question, he ended up looking up at her and frowned. He wanted to ask her what she thought, but then he realized--she didn't know him well enough to make that opinion but he still wanted to ask her. "Shayad," he shrugged. "Lekin hume sach mein kitna pata hai? Aapko kya lagta hai? Hum Raja ban sakhte hai?" He wished he didn't ask her, because that would be putting her on the spot but he still wanted to know.

Tanya pursed her lips at his question, her hand slowly travelling up to gently pat at his hair. "Humein lagta hai ki aap acche Raja ban sakte hain. Raja saheb ache aadmi hai par unko logon ki zyada fikr nahin hai. Unhe sirf jung se matlab hai, aur Hindu se. Aapko dekh ke lagta hai ki aap logon ki bhi kadr karoge." Tanya suddenly quietened, wondering if she'd given away too much. She wasn't supposed to delve her honest opinion at all, it would make it so much more difficult to betray him - to pull away from him. Except every word she'd uttered had been true; she genuinely thought that this man in front of her would be a good king, a great king even.

Aarav didn't know how much his expression was giving away but really, he was surprised at her words. Each thing she said led him feel incredibly strong because he wanted to be that. He really wanted to be that type of King that she mentioned. "Aapko sach mein.." He trailed off before looking at her own expression, this time his one hand resting against her cheek, wondering if he could kiss her and so he took his chance and leaned into her. He had never had such a chaste kiss before and this felt so different. He pulled back from the kiss, his eyes opening as he rubbed her cheek gently. "Aap beyhaad sundar ho," he whispered before pulling back, praying he hadn't jeopardized this whole thing.

Tanya kept her eyes shut for a few more seconds, trying to recover from her racing heart. She could feel it beating loudly in her chest, making its presence more than obvious. It was so hard to control herself around this man, something that could present itself as a problem. She finally opened her eyes when he complimented her, two splashes of color appearing in her cheeks as she looked down, her dimples making a reappearance. "Aise sharminda mat karo, rajkumar ji. Aapne bahut khoobsurat ladkiyan dekhi hongi, hum unko muqable main kuch nahin hai."

Aarav loved her flushed cheeks, whoa--love?! That was too soon. He ended up shaking his head at her words and smiling. "Aisa sach nahi hai. Aap mein kuch alag baat hai. Khaas kar ke aapke jo yeh gaade parta hai na?" This time he did raise his hand to poke her dimples before he ended up laughing. Why was this so incredibly easy with her? He didn't feel that tension that he thought he would when he was meant to be with some woman. But the problem was--he knew she was in his chambers for a reason, he just didn't feel comfortable in pressuring her into anything more than they'd just done. He'd done other things with other girls, but those were relationships that were starting into something else, but with this girl, he knew that they'd never been given a fair opportunity to exist in their world and he didn't want to be one of those other men who took advantage like that.

Tanya squealed when she felt somebody lift her up into their arms and her arms automatically wound around Aarav's neck. "Aarav ji, aap kya kar rahe ho?" But there was a teasing note in her voice, giggling, dimples visible. She was smiling a lot more around him, a glow on her face that even the courtesans had noticed. Her mother remained oblivious, as usual; she found her opium a lot more interesting than her own daughter's life. A daughter whose earnings as a dancer in the court were mostly spent on her mother's addiction. She'd tried to wean the woman off once, but it had ended drastically forcing Tanya to give up. Her cheeks were flushed once he had let her down and she kept her arms around his neck, on her tiptoes as she pressed a soft kiss to his nose. Tonight, she was dressed in a sheer white malmal ki salwar kameez, the dupatta carelessly slung over her shoulders. She'd taken to wearing the tiniest red bindis on her forehead, even though she knew full well that the courtesans weren't allowed. A bindi represented their fidelity, represented that they were married and courtesans never got anything like that. She wore it for Aarav, knowing that he liked it on her, liked that she was his.

Aarav had heard the cham cham of her payals when she'd entered his chambers and now it was routine for her never to knock but just enter whenever she deemed fit. She had a key of course, if anyone asked what she was doing in the mahal so late at night, it would be her bargaining chip to explain but thankfully such a situation had not presented itself yet. Aarav was close to her now and so he quickly scooped her into his arms and twirled her around, laughing when she squealed and slipped her arms around his neck. "Hum? Hum toh kuch nahi kar rahe," he murmured before letting her down so that he could see how she'd chosen to deck herself out for him today. She was wearing as simple salwar kameez but it was the jhumka's he'd given her in her ears, and the tiny bindi she sported that reminded him of how far their strange yet loving relationship had come. Aarav had not imagined feeling quite so besotted with her, but from that first mulaqat itself, he was hooked and considering she reciprocated her feelings, at least she seemed to--he knew it was okay to shower his money and jewels on her as he deemed fit.

Tanya shyly dropped her gaze when he had set her down, admiring her. She knew that he had noted the jhumkas he'd given her; jhumkas which she'd learned were made of pure gold. The dupatta of course hid the small necklace he had given her too, a plain gold chain with a pendant made of emeralds and rubies. Something far too rich for a mere courtesan. It was why she kept it on her person at all times, knowing that if she even took it off for a second - it would get stolen. Something she could not afford. Tanya didn't understand herself what she was beginning to feel for this man, a certain sense of belonging. When she was with him, in his arms, his gaze on her the way it was right now - she wanted nothing more than to bask in it forever. "Vaise aaj aap bhi bahut ache lag rahe ho Rajkumar," she whispered, her arms wrapping around his neck once more as she sidled closer to him, pressing her lips to his. This is just a game. You can't develop feelings for him. You need to get more information out of him, Tanya repeated to herself as a mantra, knowing she couldn't fail. The Muslim army camps were beginning to get anxious due to the lack of information Tanya had been providing. She couldn't forget her real mission, couldn't let the lines between real and fake get blurred.

Aarav knew it was silly but he'd spoken to one of his father's advisors, asking about how if he chose to get his courtesan, in this case Tanya out of the Royal court, was it possible? Evidently it was, but the advisor told him that Tanya had chosen to stay like this because she needed to keep earning money and that was something that made Aarav curious. He knew she'd allowed him to buy her gifts and jewels but he also wondered if she'd allow him to give her whatever money she needed so that he could break her free from this life she was forced to lead. It was true that because she was with Aarav, she wasn't made to dance as frequently but there were still moments it happened and Aarav was growing to detest it. He smiled though at her words and shrugged. "Acha? Aapko pasand aaya hai?" He looked down at his simple green kurta, having chosen it because he recalled her saying she liked him in that color. "Suno, hum aapse kuch poochna chahte hai," he cleared his throat before taking her on his lap, but this time on the bed instead of the chairs.

Tanya nodded, her eyes attracted to the green color. It suited him she decided, made him look extremely regal - even if it was just a simple kurta. It was in moments like this that Tanya wished she wasn't a courtesan, that she wasn't trying to dupe him because as the days grew longer and their time together much more frequent, the more Tanya's heart grew attached. She followed him to the bed, easily settling into his lap as she took his hands in hers, resting them in her lap. "Poochiye," Tanya allowed, content in distracting herself by playing with his fingers, entangled in hers. Part of her wished this could be their reality, that there wasn't the proverbial sword hanging over the cord of their relationship. One that would sever once he learned how she had betrayed him. He wouldn't understand, not when he had everything handed to him. Aarav wouldn't understand Tanya's plight: to learn that you had a father who was a member of a Royal Court, to have a drug addict for a mother, to be forcefully thrust into the courtesan business to support your mother. He wouldn't know that the Muslim camps who were currently supplying her mother the opium would kill her if Tanya did not bring information on how to destroy the Raja.

Aarav had noted the way her eyes darted to his kurta and smiled, loving that she was acknowledging his outfit even if she wasn't saying the words about it. He loved that about their relationship, things could be unsaid and still be conveyed. "Hume pata chala hai ke aapko paise ki zarooraat hai," he cleared his throat before wondering why he was feeling so apprehensive asking about this. He knew she could say no and that would be it, but instead--he just really didn't want her to say no because he knew how much this could both help her, and him. "Aur hum aapko paise dena chahte hai," he whispered before looking down at their intertwined fingers. Aarav had always been the one oversharing in their relationship because he trusted her completely but she never told him anything and that worried him immensely, especially considering he didn't know why she was so scared of telling him things.

Tanya knew that he was only trying to help her, that he was asking her from the goodness in his heart. She wished at times he wasn't so kind, it would make it a lot easier to hurt him the way she was currently. Yet the headstrong proud teenager fired up in her chest and she froze in his embrace. "Humein nahin chahiye aapke paise Rajkumar saheb. Koi ehsaan mat karo hum pe - khudh paise kama sakte hain hum." Her conscience told her to simmer down, that her anger would blow her cover but she didn't know how to explain it. She couldn't tell him that the reason she worked her was because of her mother, of her mother's addiction. He would never want to be with her if she told him the truth. They would kill her mother then, and Tanya's life would be in shambles.

Aarav frowned at her, feeling the way she tightened up in his arms. He loosened his grip on her and let her move away if she needed to. Because the way she reacted told him that she wasn't at all comfortable with him, no matter how much she pretended to be. That made him a bit upset because she had gotten lucky with him. If she'd been handed to anyone else--she'd have been treated so much worse. Still he sniffed and cleared his throat. "Ehsaan nahi tha, sirf madat karna chahte the hum, taa ki aapko aur logon ke saamne naachna na paare, lekin agar aapko woh karna acha lagta hai, toh kijiye." His tone was harsher now and it shouldn't have been but he was worried about her and that's why he didn't want her to leave him but ultimately someone else could decide he wanted her, and could pay the Raja any amount of money to have her and he couldn't let that happen.

Tanya flinched at the harsh tone he was spitting his words in. He loves you, her conscience whispered smugly. It made sense: the way she noticed his fists always clenched when she was dancing in the court in front of all of the other royal subjects, or the way he would glare at anyone else who stared at her appreciatively. It was only confirmed now, the way he'd spat out how she could continue dancing for other men if she enjoyed it so greatly. This entire conversation was going south and Tanya couldn't let it. She had him in her grasp, he loved her; she just needed to continue to extract information from him despite how much it made her heart ache. "Rajkumar ji," Tanya whispered, taking his hands in hers once more while she waited for him to look at her. "Humara woh bilkul matlab nahin tha. Humein kaunsa shauq hai ki aise naache.. Sirf satra saal ke hain hum, aap hi batao - humein acha lagega kya? Aise khator aadmiyon ke saamne naachna? Unki gandi nazar ko apne jism pe behne dena?" She shook her head, surprised at the tears that had started to drip down her cheeks at an alarming rate. Was she finally opening up to him? "Bilkul pasand nahin hai, par yeh karna padta hai humein. Apni Ammi ke liye..." Tanya pulled her hands away from his then, wiping quickly at the tears. "Unko nashe ki lath hain, aur humein unki jagah leni padi yahan pe. Jitne paise bante hai, unke lath main lut jaate hain. Chahe bhi toh hum yeh kaam nahin chod sakte."

Aarav had been looking at one the books that lay on his side table, feigning interest in it, as if he wasn't even aware that she was right there with him. He knew it was stupid but every single day and night he was falling more in love with her. And it seemed to him that Tanya was appreciative of his attention but otherwise she enjoyed her life the way it was and that hurt him. Because when he spotted the other men applauding her dance or appreciating her beauty, he hated it. She was his. But his anger died quickly when he felt her take his hands, it was in the soft way she'd said his name that left him feeling warm inside. Except at her words, he only felt helpless. She was dealing with so much at such a young age but she still refused to take his help and that's what bothered him. "Aise rote nahi hai," he murmured before wiping away her tears and holding her close. "Hum unko madat dilvayenge. Aap humara yakeen kaare," he whispered praying she'd agreed but something told him that her body language was saying no--she wasn't going to let him help her.

Tanya shook her head, her eyes wide and brimming with tears. "Kab tak aap madat karte rahenge humari Rajkumar saab? Hum sirf aapki-- aapki veshya hain. Ek din aapki shaadi hogi, kisi rajkumari se... Hum aapki zindagi main sirf thodi derr ki ahemiat laate hain." These were all the lies she would feed him, to see how deeply he loved her; if he would refute her claims. She hated referring to herself as a courtesan, knowing that she was definitely much more than that. Tanya had already informed the Muslim camps about the small kingdom just west of Delhi that the Raja was riding this weekend to acquire, and they had rewarded her with a little gold of her own, something to spend on herself. THe guilt of betraying Aarav hurt, it pinched but she knew this was what she had to do. This was her plan to avenge her mother, and how she'd lost her life to the heartless men in the royal court - it didn't matter what she broke in her warpath.

Aarav felt his heart break at the words she'd uttered and shook his head furiously fast. "Aisa bilkul nahi hai. Aap humare liye uss se kahi baarke hai. Aap nahi jaanti ke aap humari zindagi mein kya ahemiat rakhti hain." He took a deep breath, wondering how he could tell her that none of that was what he wanted. He didn't want to marry someone else, and he certainly didn't want to let her go. "Tanya, hume aapse pyaar hogaya hai, isiliye hum yeh sab keh rahe hai aapko. Aap sirf veshya nahi hai humare liye." He looked away from her then, wishing he had some way of making her believe him but instead he could see the way she was feeling so incredibly broken down at the reality she was facing.

Tanya felt her heart clench when he admitted that he loved her. She had finally got what she had wanted, for the prince to fall in love with her. So why did she not feel as victorious as she imagined she would? It's because you love him too, her conscience whispered and Tanya shut her eyes, a single tear dripping down her cheeks. "Hum bhi aapse.. behadh ishq karte hain," she murmured quietly, her gaze snapping up to look around his room; she was afraid that somebody would overhear and flog her for even having such a thought. He was a prince and she was a mere courtesan. Indulging in anything but a physical relationship could have dire consequences for Tanya - most of which included whipping. She'd seen it happen to one of the other girls when she was much younger. It had scarred her for life. Instead of saying anything though, she took his hand and placed it against her chest, allowing him to feel the rhythmic thump of her heart, a rhythm which only sped up erratically when she pressed her lips to his. Tanya would allow herself this much; she would give herself to him tonight, the one night where she turned off everything else in her brain except her love for him.

Aarav felt like the words she said back, soothed over his aching heart, making him believe that maybe he wasn't the only one thinking there was more here than there was. But when he saw her say the words with a tear, it made him wonder why she was feeling so much pain at reciprocating his love. "Tanya," he cupped her cheeks once more and pulled her close, his forehead against hers before he saw the way she took one of his hands and pressed it against her chest. He could feel her heart beating and could only smile at how it sped up when the kissed. He loved kissing her, it was like every time was different, every kiss told a different story. The one right now--was telling him what he wanted to hear, that she loved him with her entire heart and she wanted everything with him. He did as well, he wanted to tell her everything too, how he'd imagined a wedding, both a nikaah, and a Hindu ceremony if she allowed and that's when he knew he was getting too ahead of himself. His father, would never allow that to happen, but Aarav would never let her go either. He pulled her closer to himself, allowing her one hand to be placed against his chest, right where the knots of his kurta were.

Tanya looked up at him in surprise when she felt him take her hand and placed it against his kurta. Her heart sped up in pure anticipation, unable to believe that she would finally get what she had been dreaming of. Her hands were shaky as she undid the knots of his kurta and allowed it to slip off his person. She settled comfortably on the bed underneath him as she shut her eyes. She wondered if he would notice how inexperienced she was. She hoped he didn't, as did her frantically racing heart. For a split second, Tanya desperately wished that they were in a different setting, that their social classes were not so far apart that she could never envision a future with him. Not only that but she was a Muslim, something that would never make their relationship plausible even if they were of similar social standing. She would allow herself this night, this night to give him all of her emotions, all of the love she'd forced in her chest. "Aarav," she whispered his name finally when she felt his lips down at her neck, his hands expertly undoing her kameez. It was the first time Tanya had uttered it the way a lover would, the way an equal would.

Aarav nodded at the unasked question in her eyes. He knew what she was doing when she let him feel her heart beat while they kissed and how she'd professed her love to him. Until now, Aarav had never once expressed desire to take their relationship further, being content in their kisses and moments together. But he could feel his heart asking for it now, to become one with the only woman he'd felt this strongly for. He watched her undo the knots and slip his kurta off revealing the white undershirt that he donned underneath. He kept that on still, drawing the curtains around his bed so that they were hidden even if they were disturbed in case of any emergency. Aarav pressed his lips against hers while he unbuttoned her kameez, her dupatta already laying discarded on one side of the bed. His lips lowered now, exploring her exposed skin until he heard her say his name. It caused his heart to speed up and him to even look back up at her, in surprise by also adoration. "Aaj se aap humko sirf Aarav bulayengi," he murmured against her stomach before undoing the salwar as well and letting it fall to the floor. He reclaimed his position over her, supporting his weight with his hands while he simply stared at her, almost surprised at how innocent and yet in love she looked.

Tanya avoided his eyes shyly, her cheeks flushed once more. She always seemed to be flustered around him, out of breath too. It was as if whenever she was around him, he took over all of her sense, claiming his hold on her. "Theek hai," she whispered, her heart cracking at the same time because while she would agree to what he had asked of her, it would only be tonight when she would mean the love in her heart. She felt her fingers clench at the sheets when his lips moved down to her stomach and a soft roll of pleasure washed over her, never have been touched this way: with love and admiration. He respected her; Tanya knew this of him. Aarav not only loved her, but he also respected who she was, despite her profession. It was precisely why her heart ached whenever she thought of betraying him such a way.

Aarav had always known that he'd end up getting married to some princess from some faraway land, in order to form an alliance with their kingdom. That was why he'd never believed in receiving or giving this love that he shared with Tanya. This was special and he knew it. His mother had often told him when he was younger that he'd just know when something was right. She was, of course, telling him in matters of ruling his kingdom but right now, Aarav knew it applied to Tanya. Everything about her, everything with her was always so right. He could feel the way her body stiffened but in a way that showed her nervous feelings rather than her dislike for whatever he was doing to her. His fingers and his mouth were his tools and her body was his canvas. And yes, he finally got the chance to write his shayari against her bare back while she lay on her stomach and simply stared at him.

Tanya shivered when she felt his fingers trace along his back, writing nonsense words and she watched him with a keen interest. "Kya kar rahe ho tum?" She paused then, realizing that she'd stopped calling him aap, that she finally believed him to be her own. She shut her eyes then, resting her head on the pillow as she tilted her head to the side so she'd still be able to stare at him. Tanya then wished things were different between them. She wished that this was their reality, that she was allowed to be in his chambers without the stamp of a courtesan. She wished that she could tell him the truth but Tanya knew what would happen if he learned of her betraying nature. He would have her banished, the love in his eyes for her would all disappear and Tanya would be left holding onto the shards of their broken relationship.

Aarav smiled at her before shaking his head, not yet ready to answer her. He continued to write in the words of Mirza Ghalib, loving how every line of his poetry seemed to be made for her. Once he finished, he inched closer, his lips pressing against her forehead before he whispered his words, "Shayari likh rahe the hum, aapki tareef mein," Aarav had heard how she'd uttered the less formal way of addressing someone but he deemed that as in her letting him into her heart. He gave her the respect in his words because she'd never told him otherwise, and he'd never wanted her to think that he could call her whatever he wanted because she was his. He could see her smile and wondered if she'd had any regrets of what they'd just done, but she wasn't hurrying away or scared to be around him which told him that he was merely overthinking everything.

Tanya shook her head in disbelief at the sheer love he was expressing for her and she inched closer to him, closing the distance between them before pressing her lips to his. "Aap nahin, tum kahiye humein," she whispered against his lips before pulling away slightly, keeping their foreheads pressed together. For as long as this night lasted, Tanya wanted to be his. She wanted to be his in the way she had imagined in the late nights of her broken home. She wanted for him to give her all the love she could bear, even love she couldn't. Tanya wanted him to break her with his love, to fill her with enough love to last a lifetime. She knew that if he ever found out, it would be that love which would keep her alive. For all the times she'd reminded herself that this was just a game, that she wasn't allowed to fall in love - she had disregarded it, and fallen in love anyways. A fact that would now prove dangerous for her as it laid her loyalties on the line.

Aarav felt her whispered words and couldn't help but smile. "Tum--tum bahot khaas ho humare liye, aur hum tumhe kabhi khona nahi chahte." But somehow saying his fears out loud made him wonder just how real they could become and in that moment, he tugged her closer almost so that they were was no space separating them. He could feel her thinking about something even if he did not know what it was. She was dealing with something inside, perhaps her mother's worries were plaguing her. But Aarav had already made the decision to go against her wishes and attempt to get her mother the help she needed. After all, Tanya had said that she loved how much he cared about everyone in his kingdom and not just the wealthy affluent ones; this was his chance to prove that yet again.

Tanya had been waiting in Aarav's chambers for the past half hour, the thaali of rang in her lap. She shut her eyes, trying not to think of how she'd betrayed him just a few hours ago. He'd told her of his father's plans to take over another kingdom, a small campsite of Muslim people. Tanya had reported it to the Muslim warriors who had thanked her for her services, placed a packet of opium in her hands for her mother and another packet of gold for her. Holi mubarak, they had sniggered as they told it to her, forcing Tanya's heart to break further. It was only when she heard the door open that she wiped at her tears quickly, setting the thaali down on the bed and pressing her hand into the laal rang. She stood up then, waiting for Aarav to appear in front of her. "Holi mubarak," she whispered, her hand pressing against his cheek as she colored him in red, as she colored him in her love.

Aarav had spent the day dodging every one of his advisors and other friends and soldiers trying to color him for Holi, choosing to have them give him just a tilak and wiping it off almost instantly. He'd never really been a fan of the festival, mostly because his father had kept him away from participating. Still he was dressed in a complete white kurta when he entered his chambers after listening to his father's advisors telling him of how Raja saab should be back fairly quickly since this mission of his wouldn't be too hard of a battle. When he entered though and spotted her, he ended up smiling. But it was when she pressed the color against his cheek that he realized he had no problem with Holi, as long as he was being colored by someone he loved. He gave her a quick kiss to her forehead before looking down at the thali of colors she'd brought. His fingers still dipped into the red color before he raised it to her cheek, and pressed his fingers against her skin. A split second decision told him to place the color against her forehead too, in her parting but he knew she wouldn't appreciate it, and so he used the remaining color on her other cheek. "Holi mubarak--tumko bhi."

Tanya smiled when he placed the color on her cheeks. She had seen his hand hovering and wondered if he was going to spread the color in her maang. Her heart deflated slightly when he decided it against it and instead placed it against her cheeks. "Tum aaj itne khush nahin lag rahe, kuch hua hai kya?" She knew already that the king would be fine. This fight was meant to be simple, and the people had given her their word: their word that the Raja saab would not be hurt in their battles, nor would Aarav. Her heart still raced in her chest however, in the fear that something had happened. It had been happening often, the strange feeling in her stomach - one that would force her to run to the bathroom, spewing up the contents of her stomach. Tanya had her own suspicions but would not voice them.

Aarav wasn't happy, but he hadn't had anyone else ask him, mainly because he was a good pokerface except when it was in front of Tanya. He supposed it was because of his level of trust in her. "Raja saab aaj ek jung ke liye gaye hai," he frowned before wondering just how much to burden her with. "Pata nahi, aaj ek ajeeb sa darr hai humare mann mein, lekin aur koi baat nahi hai. Aur hum ko aisa shobha nahi deta, ghabrana." He cleared his throat before looking back at her, deciding to allow himself a chance to be distracted but before he could even lean in to Tanya--he had a soldier rush into the chambers. "Rajkumar ji! Rajkumar ji! Jaldi aajaiye! Raja saab ko gheri chot aayi hai, aapko bula rahe hai." Aarav stared at the soldier who decided to retreat after announcing his news before he turned to Tanya who was looking extremely apprehensive and nervous all of a sudden. "Tumhe kya hua? Paani pee lo," he murmured before standing and straightening out his clothes. The thoughts were all plaguing his mind, how his father had failed missions one after the other lately, there had to be some common factor that Aarav just couldn't see yet.

Tanya waited for Aarav to leave before she too disappeared from his chambers. Her heart hammered in her chest; they had promised, promised that there would be no harm coming to Aarav or Raja saab. How could they go against their word? Did you really expect them to be trustworthy? Her conscience sneered and she knew it was right. Tanya rushed home, her dupatta over her head, cheeks colored in the red color. Her hand had been at her cheek so that when she entered the house, her hand running through her hair, some of the colored powder had dropped into her parting - a fact unknown to her. It was then the same bubbling feeling rose and Tanya felt herself weaken as she collapsed on her knees, throwing up again. Her mother appeared in front of her. "Tujhe uss se prem hua na? Iss liye aisi bewakoof harqat ki." Tanya stared at her mother in confusion, unsure of the correlation. "Beta, teri khok main ek bacha hai." The words that made Tanya's head spin; she'd tried so hard not be her mother, to avoid all the mistakes she'd made in the past. She'd forgotten the biggest one - falling in love. She needed to tell Aarav, he needed to know. It was why she made her way to his chambers the next day, dressed in a sombre white; he needed to know that he had a child, a child in her stomach. It didn't matter that she hadn't bathed since she'd seen him last, that she'd barely washed the color off her cheeks, the red in her parting still there. She rushed into his chambers, the chamm chamm of her payals alerting him that she was here and yet he didn't turn the way he usually did. Tanya's heart dropped to her stomach, something was seriously wrong.

Aarav had been walking towards his father's chambers when he thought about everything that had been happening in the last few months. Every mission his father had gone on had resulted in the worst way. Everything would go wrong, and his father would return empty handed, almost as if they'd been tipped off about his father's attack prior to everything. And it had only been happening when one thing changed in their inner workings; Tanya had come into his life. No. He couldn't even think of Tanya being a mole for the muslim groups that were threatening terror on their kingdom. She'd never do that to him. But her hesitancy with him in the first little while, and then the change in her when she decided he was falling in love with her. Her adamant behavior to not accept any help from him, all of that was just making him wonder about everything and suddenly it all clicked into place. Tanya was the one who'd been selling him out. Only things he'd told her were somehow being conveyed to the other groups, which only made him wonder if anything she'd said to him was real. Now he stood there in his chambers, the Raja turban sitting on the pedestal on the side because that was Aarav's new title. His father had died from the attacks made on him and now Aarav would have to claim the throne and all the responsibilities that came along with it. And none of it really made any sense to him considering how broken he still was over the betrayal he'd been dealt by the one person he'd given his heart and soul to. When he'd heard the cham cham's of the payal's on her enter his room, he'd stiffened up, unable to understand what was right and what was wrong. He closed his red-rimmed eyes tightly before turning to face her. He'd seen the white on her, and knew she was aware of what had transpired in their kingdom; something she'd helped transpire. But as he dragged his gaze up to meet her own, he spotted the red color in her parting and froze, when had he done that? It doesn't matter! She betrayed you and your kingdom. "Aapko kuch kehna hai humse?" He couldn't call her tum anymore, not when he felt so distant from her.

Tanya stiffened when she detected the chill in his voice. Her gaze fell on the turban sitting on his bed and she shut her eyes. He was the Raja now, whatever dreams she'd crafted of them together, of raising this child the way he'd promised to get her out of this mess were now shattered. He would never want to be with her; the coldness in his tone only made sense if he'd figured it out. "Aarav..." She shut her eyes, knowing he would chastise her for using his name. It was still worth a shot, especially when heart beat in rhythm to his, when every breath of hers was now tied to his - a concept she wouldn't have been able to fathom a few short months ago. Still she inched closer to him, trying to reach for him and not at all surprised when he pulled away. "Hum... maafi chahte hain." There was nothing else she could say any longer. Her hand rested instinctively on her stomach, knowing that she had become her mother. In her quest to be nothing like her, Tanya had ended up exactly like her: in love with a man way beyond her social standing, raising his child all alone, a child of mixed religion.

Aarav pulled away from her, ignoring the light thumping of his heart telling him that this wasn't what he wanted to do. He wanted to give her the chance to explain but instead he simply just stared at her. "Maafi? Aap maafi kyun maang rahi ho? Zara woh bhi batao." He wanted to hear her say it, he wanted to know if she even felt a smidgen of guilt for the betrayal she'd done to him. Everything seemed to make sense, Tanya had nothing to say to him, because she wasn't sure how to say anything that could explain anything. She'd been the reason his father had died and now all the love he felt for her--was almost dying. That was a lie, because seeing her in front of him with that laal rang in her maang left him feeling as if she was still his.

Tanya shut her eyes, as if the thought pained her. She knew that he wouldn't make it easy for her to admit the truth, but he wouldn't believe her even if she told him that she really did love him. It had started as a game but she'd completely fallen for him. "Kyunki-- humne... hum aapke Raja saab ke maut ke gunegaar hain." Tanya slowly opened her eyes then before moving away from him. She knew what would come next; he would expel her from his chambers, forever. And Tanya would have to raise this child on her own. She just hoped, no she prayed it wasn't a girl. She didn't want the same fate for her daughter, like the one she'd been dealt.

Aarav closed his eyes at her words, he knew what was expected of him right now. He was to slap her because she'd betrayed the kingdom and him. But he couldn't do that. Not to her. That's why he merely stayed there as she moved away from him. He couldn't stop her, he couldn't make her leave but he still had to. He had duties and responsibilities now to uphold. "Aapki yeh sazaa hai abse, ke aap kabhi bhi is rajya mein phirse kadam nahi rakh sakhti." He frowned before remembering about her mother and how the older woman needed care. "Aur aapki aami ki dekh bhal hum karvayenge. Aur jab woh theek ho jayegi, tab hum aapke pass bhej denge. Aaj ke baad yeh kabhi yaad bhi nahi rakhna ke humare aur aapke beech mein koi bhi rishta kabhi tha." Aarav frowned, feeling his voice cracking as he said his final words. "Aapne hume dhoka diya hai, aur hum nahi jaante kyun, lekin hum jaan na chahte bhi nahi hai." He turned then, wanting to watch as she left him--for good.

Tanya felt a sob rip through her throat at his words. She had been expecting the banishment but she hadn't been expecting his harsh words that followed. How was she to forget the soft moments they'd shared in these chambers, when he'd kissed her for the first time, when he'd given her the jhumkas she was wearing, or when he'd placed the necklace on her. A necklace which she would now have to return; she would return the jhumkas too but she couldn't. Not when it was the first present he'd ever given her. Her hands shook as she undid the clasp and set the necklace down on the table. She turned away from him, tears dripping down her cheeks at a steady rate. Why wouldn't he stop her? Didn't he love her, the wya she loved him? Wiping at her tears furiously, she stepped out of his chambers only to be greeted by the guards. She knew this part too, she'd seen it happen to other courtesans who'd stepped out of line, who'd been banished. Tanya followed them quietly to the dungeons, to her punishment. She bore it all silently, all the lashes that were given for committing treason against the kingdom: a hundred lashes against her back to be exact. Tanya never cried out in pain though, not when she'd already faced the worst pain in her life. The pain of knowing that she'd broken the heart of the only boy she'd ever loved. When they finally undid her arms from their restraints, Tanya collapsed on the dungeon floor, her once pristine white kurti now completely slashed and covered in her blood. She needed to leave and she tried voicing this to the guards who only nodded. They knew of her banishment orders and so loaded her into a palki before depositing her outside the kingdom, in no man's land.

Aarav felt like it was just yesterday when he'd learned of her betrayal. A part of him always regretted letting the other guards handle her banishment and punishment. He should've been the one to command that she not be hurt. If he had--then he'd never have heard that one piercing scream that haunted his dreams every single night for the past twelve years. He'd never gotten over losing Tanya. He'd told her to forget everything but how could he ask that of her when he himself was unable to let anything of their relationship go? Her necklace that she'd given him back still hung attached to one of his own chains that he wore inside his clothing. That was his way of being close to her. He'd also helped her mother through a drug recovery and had sent her off to be with Tanya wherever she was, but Aarav had chosen to stay removed from everything, knowing that if he found out where she was--he wouldn't be able to stay away. Even now he was galloping into his next battle, and her thoughts were on his mind. Aarav had been a great warrior in all his battles following his father's death but that was only because he had chosen those moments to lock away Tanya in his heart. He hadn't done that this time. He'd been fighting against the camps that were nearby their kingdom when out of nowhere another horse had come in his direction, slitting him across the fleshy part of his neck and torso, leaving a deeper gash there. When Aarav fell to the ground, he expected his attacker to come back and cut his head off considering he was now at his mercy, but instead the other warrior came closer and lowered his scarf revealing his face before uttering the one sentence that was sure to haunt Aarav just as much as Tanya's scream did. "Ammi ke liye," and Aarav had watched him mount his horse and ride away leaving Aarav there to bleed out, until unconsciousness took him over.

Tanya called around for her son multiple times, pushing the hair away from her face. "Prem, khana lag gaya, kahan hain aap?" Her son was so much like his father, in almost every way: in the way he enjoyed sparring with his sword, the love he had for her, how much he cared for the other people in the village. Of course not to mention that every time she looked into her son's eyes, she was reminded of similar brown eyes that bored into hers with equal honesty. Even if she had never married Aarav, her life was still in name. The red in her maang from Holi proved that enough; she'd placed the sindoor in her parting every day after that. "Ya Allah, Prem yeh aapke chehre ko kya hua hai?" Tanya asked with worry, noting the cut on her son's cheek and the way he was avoiding her gaze. Her heart sank, worrying if he'd involved himself in the world of war and religion, the world she'd tried so hard to keep him away from. "Ammi maine kardiya. Unko sabaq sikhaya humne. Unko bhi aapki tarah zakhm diya." Tanya stared at her son in confusion before it clicked. Her son had sought out his father. She shut her eyes, pulling away from him. "Khana andar hain," Tanya told him before disappearing into the bedroom. Even to this day, laying straight on her back brought her pain. Gone were the days where she was as white as milk, where she looked like a princess in every right. Her face was now dusted tan because of her long days in the sun. She groaned in pain when the fabric brushed the scar the wrong way. It was a phantom pain, a representation of her pain with Aarav.

Aarav could hear the young boy's words in his head over and over, making him wonder what exactly it meant. Of course, Aarav had plenty of enemies so this child could be avenging anyone really, but something told him it was more personal than that. The truth was--he knew in the back of his mind what this meant, and who the little boy was but his heart as refusing to admit that it was a possibility. Instead, he used his advisors and guards to seek out Tanya's mother, he'd heard from his men that the woman hadn't been living with her daughter and was back in the royal court but stayed away from the opium now. He'd asked for her to meet him in the conferring chambers and when she arrived, coughing but still looking better than when he'd first seen the woman. "Namaste, hum aapse aapki beti ke baare mein jaan na chahte hai," the woman looked bewildered slightly and Aarav knew it was probably out of shock because while he never stopped thinking about Tanya, he never spoke her name in front of anyone. "Woh ab kahaan hai? Hume pata hai ke aap unke saath nahi rehti.." Aarav listened as the elder woman told him about how Tanya hadn't wanted her to stay with him and that left him confused. She'd done all this for her mother and now that her mother was clean and healthy--Tanya had nothing to do with her? Still, he took her address, surprised to learn that Tanya was living in the nearby town that was part of their ally's kingdom, one that Aarav was allowed to freely travel to and from. That's when he decided that he had a short visit to pay, for his own sake. Ther was more to this encounter on the battlefield with that boy than he was understanding, and the sinking feeling in his stomach told him that he'd only get his answers when he faced Tanya after all these years and that's how he found himself inconspicuously on her doorstep; not wanting everyone to know that the Raja was there.

Tanya had sent her son to help the neighbors with something or the other. They were carpenters and Tanya was sure that there would would something or the other to do that would keep Prem busy. So when she heard the knock on her door, Tanya frowned. She lifted the dupatta over her head, the sindoor in her parting fresh. Pulling open the door, she froze once she recognized who it was. Her hand immediately pressed to her back, a reminder of her betrayal; a reminder of how she was to stay away from him. "Aap yahan kaise Raja saheb?" She gestured for him to enter, not meeting his gaze for longer than a millisecond.

Aarav hadn't realized that seeing her again after so long would stir up the same feelings he had way back when. Because see, despite her betrayal--his love hadn't died and now seeing her there in front of him, looking so tired and worn down, tore at him. "Hum, hum aapse milne aaye hai," Aarav wondered upon seeing the sindoor in her parting if she'd perhaps married someone else from this kingdom and had lived a happy life after being shunned from their world. Maybe it had done her some good, gotten her out of that horrid cycle she'd been stuck in. She of course had to be aware that he was the only Raja who'd chosen to remain unmarried and appoint someone as his successor rather than marry solely for the sake of an heir.

Tanya furrowed her eyebrows at his statement, unable to make neither head nor tail of it. He had been the one to command her to forget that he ever existed, that they'd ever had a relationship of a romantic nature. It was then she saw the bandage peeking through his royal garb and shut her eyes. This was what her son had meant when he claimed to have avenged her: to scar his father the same way the father had scarred his mother. "Ji Raja saheb, andar aiye. Maafi chahte hain, humara ghar koi Rajmahal nahin hain." She shook her head before wiping her face with her dupatta as she sat on the floor, having given the straw mattress to Aarav. "Bataye hum kya seva kar sakte hain aapki." It pierced Tanya to behave so aloof with a man whom she loved so deeply but they were his orders - she was never to remember that they had ever been in a relationship. And Tanya would follow it no matter how painful it was.

Aarav felt the distance in her words so easily, and how could she not behave that way? After all, he'd been the one who told her to forget everything about him, to forget that they ever shared anything. Yet every word she spoke, acting like anyone else who was meeting him for the first time--it pained his heart. He entered her home and took a seat on the khatiya. He hadn't worn his turban or any of his extremely formal garments but it was still enough to remind her of who he was and the difference in their stature. But then why was it that in his heart, he still couldn't form a real distance between them? Stop it Raja saab, she could be married. "Aapne shaadi ki hai?" He cleared his throat, gesturing to the sindoor in her parting, trying to forget the moment he'd seen his laal rang in her parting. That wasn't what he'd come to ask her, but right now--he couldn't say the other words, he couldn't ask her if that boy who'd come to attack him had been her son, because as much as Tanya may detest him now for what he'd done--she couldn't go to such lengths. Couldn't she? Isn't she the one who betrayed you in the first place? Selling you and your father out to the enemy?

Tanya looked up in surprise at his blatant question. She wondered as to why he cared; he was the one who had told her to move on, to forget that they had ever shared anything. Of course it was a different story that Tanya had been unable to comply with his wishes; her every breath was still tied to his. "Nahin ki," she murmured quietly, before pulling the dupatta tighter over her head. She couldn't believe she had ben so foolish to believe that he would remember the color in her parting, color that he had applied. She had been a fool to think that she loved him, that he still loved her.

Aarav felt as if uski jaan mein jaan aayi, when he heard her say that she hadn't married anyone else. This meant that laal rang was still from him. She applied it diligently every day for the past twelve years even if he was the reason she'd been punished in such a ruthless manner. He wanted to touch her, to reach for her, to hold her in his arms again but he knew how unlikely that was considering she probably hated him still for what he'd done; even if it had only been because of her betrayal. He'd been about to say something more when he spotted a small photograph in a frame on the side table, it was Tanya with that same boy who'd given him his wounds. "Yeh naujawaan--kaun hai?" Oh Aarav already knew, he could feel the words she was about to say before she even said them but he couldn't believe it was true. Why hadn't she come to him then? You banished her, why would she come to you?

Tanya followed his gaze before shaking her head, a small smile on her face. Just thinking about her son managed to do that; he was a breath of life in her otherwise extremely dreary existence. Tanya shrugged before giving the answer Aarav wanted to hear, "Prem, mera beta." She'd wished she could say it was their son because it was; that was what she had rushed to his chambers to tell him, only to be banished from Aarav's life forever.

Aarav could see a hint of the smile he'd fallen in love with on her face but it still wasn't nearly as bright as it once was when she'd be light and cheerful in his chambers. That was his fault, he'd snatched that and everything else from her life. When he heard her response though, he knew what she was implying even if the words weren't said. Prem wasn't just her son, he was Aarav's as well. Closing his eyes, he let his head fall into his hands. He'd made such a mess of his life all because of her betrayal; she always told him she admired how much he cared for others--but he'd proven her wrong now considering how he hadn't cared enough for her--the woman he was still madly in love with. "Aap hume bata sakhti thi, ke aap--Ammi ban chuki thi," he was frowning now, wondering why she'd have remained so adamant to keep his son from him. So many years had been lost out on in their relationship andconisdering how Aarav had treated his mother, he doubted Prem would even want to acknowledge him as his father.

Tanya shut her eyes as she leaned against the wall at his words, at the unspoken accusation she found in them. She knew that she should have reached out, should have said something but she couldn't. Not when his words were still so fresh in her mind, not when he hadn't even wanted to give her a chance to explain herself. He didn't even try to understand the bind that she was in; he didn't even listen to how she'd begged them not to hurt either member of the royal family. How was she to know that they would go against their word? "Hum bataane aaye the aapko uss din. Jis din aapne humein apne rajya se nirvaasit kardiya tha. Par phir--unhone humein maara... Aur humein laga ki hum aapke maafi ke liak nahin hain, ki shayad humari yahi saza thi ki hum bhi apni ma jaisi zindagi jiye, ki humara beta bina baap ki bada ho."

Aarav was frustrated even though he hated hearing that she was hurt, all it did is remind him of that piercing scream that haunted his every night till today. He would never forget the sheer pain and anguish in that scream. But he still wished she'd have tried. "Tum phir bhi keh sakhti thi Tanya," unconsciously he jumped back into that lack of formality with her because she was still his no matter what. "Koshish toh kar hi sakhti thi--itne saalon tak tum sab kuch akele sehti rahi.." his voice trailed off, unable to believe how much strength this woman carried inside of her. She still sold you and your father out, and while Aarav knew that was true, it made him wonder if she'd have ulterior reasons for that--her mother and financial reasons to be precise. "Kyun kiya tha? Dhoka kyun diya tha hume? Humare prem mein kya kaami thi ke tumne aisa kiya..."

Tanya felt her heart flutter when he used her name again, when he used the informal tone with her. It made her feel, even if only for a split second, that they were alright again. She was living in a fool's paradise; there would be no them ever again. "Kaise koshish karti? Aap Raja saab hain, aapne humein nirvaasit kar chuke the. Bhool gaye hain kya aap? Nirvaasit ka matlab? Agar hum aane ke koshish bhi karte, humein mar diya jaata," Tanya snapped. How dare he accuse her of not trying? How dare he think she would want to keep their son away from him? She quietened however, her chest still heavy with anger at his question. "Humari ammi ki lath... unhone unn logon se udhar liya tha, aur lath main gir ke karza wapas nahin chuka payi. Iss liye hum nachaniyan bane, par phir woh paison se khush nahin the-- unhe... unhe jankaari chahiye thi. Humne mana karne ki koshish ki, par unhone dhamki di - ki woh humari ammi ko jaan se maar denge." She wiped at her tears then. "Aisa nahin tha ki hum chahte the Raja saab ko kuch ho, ki aapko kuch ho. Bola tha humne, unhone ne vaada kiya tha ki aap dono ko kuch nahin hoga... Jhoot kahan unhone ne humse."

Aarav frowned at the way she was almost forgetting all that had passed between them with the way she snapped. "Chabi thi na aapke paas? Uss chabi ka matlab aapki suraksha thi. Woh dikhane se koi aapko kuch nahi kar sakhta tha. Kher chodiye, ab un sab baaton ka koi faida nahi hai." He got off the khatiya and knelt down where she was, wanting to take her in his arms and wipe those tears but he knew he'd lost that right when he'd banished her without listening to anything she'd wanted to say. "Tum ro mat, tume pata hai ke hum tumhari ankhon mein ansoon nahi dekh sakhte," these words were said in a whispering tone, almost as if he were afraid of how she'd react to him. He didn't want to say anything about how she'd still betrayed him and the kingdom and so he merely shook his head. "Hum jaante hai ke ab kehne se kuch nahi hoga, lekin jab hume pata chala ke tumne unhe sab bataya--aisa laga ke jaise tumhari taraf se jo bhi tha--woh sab nakli tha, aur woh bewafai ne hume tod diya tha.."

Tanya didn't know what had taken over her when he came close to her, the way he had abonded the khatiya, almost as if he was abandoning his status to be with her in this moment - that she surged forward and pressed her lips to his. The second she did, it was as if she finally realized the starvation she had been in for the past twelve years; as if she'd been living in a coma for the past twelve years and his lips against hers had finally woken her up, it had set her free. The ice in her veins thawed over, blood rushing to her ears but she pulled away all too soon, ashamed of what she had done. Tanya was no longer a courtesan, she was just a commoner and he was the Raja saab - there was no way they could indulge in this anymore. She had no right over him, not even in a purely physical relationship the way she would have if she had her previous status.

Aarav had to hold her to keep himself from stumbling back especially at the force in which she kissed him. He couldn't help but kiss her back, the familiarity in that moment was too much for him to let go off. Aarav had abstained from any type of relationship in these twelve years, even when he was so angry at her betrayal he still couldn't be a traitor to his love and the feelings they'd shared. He felt her pull away from him and shook his head, tugging her back. "Humne tumhe bahot takleef di hai na? Ek takleef aur deh sakhte hai?" It wasn't going to be that easy, just because she kissed him didn't mean she forgave him, and even if she did, it didn't mean that his little Rajkumar Prem would forgive him for hurting his mother either but Aarav had to try. "Humne hamesha tumhe humara kaha, kabhi nahi kaha ke hum aapke hai, lekin sachai wohi hai, itne saalon mein, hum tumhare hi rahe."

Tanya wished he hadn't said that; it pierced through her heart. Especially because she knew that he would leave, and would never return. Then Tanya would be left alone in this house with his words echoing in her mind, and no way to ease the pain they brought. "Aapko kehne ki zaroorat nahin thi, hum mehsoos kar sakte the," she murmured, talking in past tense. It would be easier on her heart if she treated this as something of the past, as if he didn't still love her. If Tanya acknowledged that his love was still fresh, that he still loved her - she would drown in the pain of her own feelings, because they would be able to do nothing about it. They could never be one; not even when she had been a courtesan.

Aarav frowned at the words she said, wanting to understand why she was still so adamant to keep him at a distance. "Tum mehsoos kar sakhti thi? Ab nahi karti?" He inched a bit closer, this time lifting his hand to cup her cheek, not at all surprised by how she leaned into his touch. "Ab bhi kitni khoobsurat ho tum," and she was. To him, she'd always be the most beautiful woman he'd laid eyes on. He knew she didn't believe anything he said, when in reality--it should be him with his doubts, but he still knew his life was incomplete without her and that needed to change. "Tum--tum wapas aaogi na? Humare saath? Prem ko leke?" He might've been pushing it, but this was Aarav--ruled by his heart and never his head.

Tanya let her eyes close when he cupped her cheek, the warmth filling her pores. She wouldn't believe him of course, not when she knew she was no longer as beautiful as she used to be. Still she smiled at his words, a little reassurance blooming in her chest, dimples showing. It was at his request however that Tanya froze. "Wapas? Aapke saath... Raja saab, hum... Hum ab maamuli ho chuke hain, aapke raj gharane main rehne ki aveshakta nahin hain ab." Her eyes however told a different story; they spoke of how badly she wanted to take up his offer, to be the family she often dreamed of late at night.

Aarav saw her dimples and felt his heart start racing once more, it's like she didn't realize how much of an effect they still had on him. He loved the way though that she kept her smile there, reminding him of the first few time she met her and found her smile so incredibly intoxicating. But when he heard her words, his own smile fell. He hated hearing her call herself just a commoner. "Tum humare liye kabhi maamuli nahi ho sakhti, humne tumko kaha hai na? Tum bahot khaas ho, woh badal nahi sakhta." He nodded at her, reassuring her through his gaze that he would make this happen. It would be difficult yes, but he wasn't going to let her go this time. "Suno, hum Raja hai, aur humare faisla hi sabse ucha hota hai. Agar hum tumko aur humare bete ko, humara rajya ke waaris ko ghar lejaana chahe, toh hum kar sakhte hai," he took a deep breath, completely aware of just how difficult it was going to be to make this happen. But he would not let anyone cause a hinderance this time; this was his family and they deserved to come home.

Tanya nodded at his words slowly, wanting to believe in him this time. "Theek hai," she whispered. "Hum aapke saath wapas aayenge, jab aap kahoge." She stood up then, wiping at her tears even though her body ached and protested at the loss of his arms around her. She knew that her son would be home soon too and he would not take too kindly to her talking to his father, the same father whom he'd tried to hurt. Tanya would have to explain a lot of things to him, if she were to convince their son to move into the royal palace with his father.

Aarav wanted to tell her then, to stop calling him aap, but he knew he'd lost that right the moment he'd banished her. It would come with natural progression whenever she wanted it to. He felt her move away and sighed before nodding at her, telling her quietly that he'd be back, and she should trust him. But as soon as he returned back to his palace and ran into one of his advisors, he knew it wasn't going to be easy. The other man had him followed which meant he knew exactly where Aarav had been and was very unimpressed by it. "Aap aise nahi jaa sakhte Raja saab, yeh sab theek nahi hai." Aarav gave the man a smile before raising his hand and telling him to stop talking because he wasn't going to pay any heed to his advice. "Hum Raja hain, aur humne yeh faisla kiya hai ke Tanya aur humara beta, dono yahaan aayenge, raj mahal mein rehne." The advisor continuously told him about how that would be frowned down upon and how people wouldn't want to ally with their rajya anymore and so then and there, Aarav made a significant decision. He'd make a new home, just for them. It would be in the same courtyard, but it would be a place she lived, protected from all these people who'd want to see her and taunt her. Aarav would ensure she'd face no more disgrace or humilation; she'd already suffered enough for her entire life.

Tanya stared in surprise at the palki that was currently situated outside her house and clutched her plain satchel closer to her chest. She hadn't been expecting him to send for her and her son in such a grand way. Tanya's gaze fell to Prem who looked completely awestruck at the sheer force of people who had been sent to bring them home and nudged her son's shoulder. "Abhi bhi shikayat hain kya aap ko apne Abbu se?" At the hesitant shake of his head, Tanya sighed; she understood that sentiment. Her arm wrapped around his shoulder as she bent down to press a kiss to his hair. "Chaliye, aapke Abbu humara intezaar kar rahe honge." Which was why Tanya was surprised when the palki did not stop at the rajmahal she knew but an even grander palace right in front of it. "Yeh kya hai?" "Aapka rajmahal." And Tanya understood this was what he had meant by ensuring her safety and his own pride in the kingdom. It stung a little but she pushed it down, following behind her son who rushed into the palace.

Aarav had arranged for Tanya and Prem to both be brought home when the palace was finished, which had also happened in record time since Aarav had waited twelve years and wasn't sure he could handle any more time away from her. He knew her, though, and he knew how affected she was by their difference in social standing and him building her a palace away from the main, would hurt her--he just hoped she understood why he'd done it, and the fact that her's was now even more beautiful than the one he was meant to reside in. He heard the sounds of her arriving through the gates and made his way with his entourage to go greet her, happy that his few dai ma's were there to greet her traditionally and welcome her into her new home. Aarav stood just behind them, his eyes on the mother-son duo, waiting for everyone to be gone so he could happily take the both in his arms.

Tanya stared in disbelief as the mean old ladies who'd always glared at her whenever she would skip into Aarav's room as a young girl because he'd called on her, were now greeting her with smiles and coloring her forehead with the tilak. She turned to look back only to find Aarav there, smiling at her and she looked down in embarrassment. The palace was grand; that was a definitve. Except in her drab clothing, Tanya felt as if she didn't belong here either. The only expensive item on her person were the jhumkis he'd given her all those years ago - she'd never taken them off. Once they all had left, Tanya turned to meet Aarav's gaze. "Yeh aapne humare liye banaya?"

Aarav didn't know if her averting her eyes this time was because she was shy under his gaze or for another reason. He really did hope it was the former though. Still he stood there in the doorway, leaning against one of the pillars until the ladies left, leaving him with his little family to explore what would be their new home. He heard her question and nodded. "Pasand aaya tumhe? Aur nanhe Rajkumar, aapko aapna nahi ghar kaisa laga?" He was still nervous around Prem, not because his son had used the sword on him but because Aarav's experience around kids of any age was very limited at best. But while Prem went ahead in the palace, Aarav took Tanya's hand before stepping into their new home. "Hum jaante hai ke tumhe ajeeb lag raha hoga, yahaan rehna--sabse door.." he trailed off, unsure of how he could attempt to make this seem better than it was.

Tanya wished she could tell him that she loved it every time he addressed her as tum, or that she was mildly jealous of how easy it was for him to slip back into their relationship as if nothing in the past twelve years had ever happened. She wished her heart was that pure. She wished that she could go back to using his name in that soft hesitant tone she would use in his chambers, or the way he'd declared that she could only call him tum - she wished that it could be her reality again. Yet it was harder for Tanya, every time she tried she would remember the way he hadn't wanted to listen to her, how he'd allowed her to be banished despite knowing the punishment was a hundred lashes. If he had loved her, would he have done that? It's the past now Tanya. It's time to let it go, he's making amends. So Tanya intertwined her fingers with his before smiling. "Aap rahenge na humare saath? Aur Prem bhi toh hai... akele thodi na hain hum."

Aarav could see her thoughts running over time in her head but he didn't press to find out what she was thinking. He knew she didn't trust him yet, and he didn't fault her for it. Aarav didn't find it easy to entirely trust her either, but decided to leave it up to fate. If she was meant to betray him again, she would but somewhere he knew it was very unlikely and he liked believing in her more than he'd care to admit. He felt her intertwine their fingers like they used to once upon a time and found himself smiling back at her. "Bilkul rahenge, aur haan humara beta bhi toh hai humare saath," he brought their clasped hands up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss as he led her inside, showing her the different rooms and areas for her to call her own. He'd also built a prayer room, one side with a few idols that represented their Hindu side, and one side with the Quran so that she could be close to her own faith as well. Once they both arrived there, he stepped inside, this time picking up the sindoor and placing it against her forehead, "jab tum Holi pe aayi thi na, mujhe sindoor lagana tha tumhari maang mein, lekin--mujhe nahi laga tha ke tumhe acha lage ga. Lekin itne saalon tak tumne--aapni maang sajayi rakhi, toh ab pehli baar hum khud karna chahenge."

Tanya shut her eyes at his words, feeling her tears drip down her cheeks, the relief stuttering in her chest. Her heart ached, chest constricting once she felt him place the sindoor in her parting. It was only when his hand pulled away that she burst into tears, burying her face in his chest. She remembered a similar time when they had been much younger, when she had cried about her mother, about how she didn't want to be doing what she did. It had been the most honest Tanya had ever been with Aarav, when she'd let him into her heart. She remembered what had come after that too; she remembered how that had been the night when their love had been consumated, when they had conceived the symbol of their love - their son. "Humein maaf kar dijiiye.." she whispered into his chest. "Hum kabhi aapko... dhoka nahin dena chahte the. Aur uss din... jab aapne humein dafa kiya tha, humara dil toot gaya tha Aarav," Tanya admitted, looking up at him with red rimmed eyes brimming with unshed tears.

Aarav was startled when she started to cry, especially when he wasn't sure why it was happening. "Tanya," he whispered before wrapping his arms around her, trying to soothe her, his hands were rubbing slow circles around her back, trying to comfort her when he heard her words and shook his head. "Tumhe maafi maangne ki zarooraat nahi," he said honestly. Aarav had been angry, he'd been very upset when she'd betrayed him but with time, her reasonings, her motives--all became clear to him. But yet, he'd believed that she'd have moved on post her banishment and that was the main reason he never seeked her out. Aarav felt his own heart break again when she told him how she felt when he banished her, plus the way she said his name only brought back all their memories from the past. "Tum hume kabhi maaf kar sakogi?" He asked softly, wiping away her tears before taking a deep breath. "Hume pata hai ke tumhare liye mushkil hoga, aur hum umeed karta rahenga, lekin zabardasti nahi hai.."

Tanya looked at him, once he had cupped her cheeks tightly. How was she to tell him that she had forgive him when he had come back for her, that seeing him outside her doorstep, looking so shy and nervous had been enough to thaw the ice in her heart. She nodded, a small smile breaking out on her features, coupled with a sob that ripped through her throat. "Hum koshish zaroor karenge Raja saab. Par uske liye, aapko woh hare rang ka kurta pehen na padega," Tanya teased, pulling away from him as she furiously wiped her tears once she heard her son's footsteps coming down the stairs.

Aarav was about to lean in to kiss her on the forehead when he heard her words and had to move away to burst into laughter. He wondered if he should tell her he'd kept that kurta but had never worn it after her banishment. That and so many other things had been locked away in a room that was in his chambers because everything in it reminded him of her and the relationship they shared. Aarav had gathered all those items to burn them but his heart hadn't allowed it and so now all of that was being used to decorate their new home. The same curtains, the same paintings the two of them spoke about during some of their lights nights, everything was back there. Once he spotted their son, he held his hand out for him to join them, smiling when he did so. "Aur aap? Aap hume maaf kar payenge, jo humne aapke saath aur aapki Ammi ke saath kiya?"

Tanya sat up in the bed when she heard noises coming from the aangan of the palace. She stretched her arms up, wiping the sleep from her eyes as the sunlight filtered from the zardosi curtains and splattered against her face. She smiled, pushing away the sheets and stepping out of the curtained bed, her feet pushed into the slippers. Tanya picked up the shawl from the ottoman and wrapped it around herself to hide the plain salwar kameez she had worn to bed with Aarav as she made her way out. Looking down the balcony, she smiled at how the father and son were sparring with their swords. This was all she wanted, a true family. And now she had one, with the man she loved. Isn't it too late? Her conscience asked in regards to the years they'd spent apart, and Tanya shook her head. She had been fearful of that too but last night had proven her wrong. It had been the first night since she'd come to this palace that he'd spent here, and they had spent most of the night talking, the way they used to before. It had been so easy to fall back into their patterns, and Tanya made her way down the stairs, leaning against the pillar as she watched both father and son spar, a small smile on her face while waiting for either one of them to notice her. She wouldn't mind if they didn't, perfectly content in just watching them.

Aarav believed that if all of this was a dream, it was one he didn't want to wake up from--maybe ever. For the first time in more than twelve years, he was happy. And that was all due to this family he'd brought home. His Rani sahiba, Tanya was everything he remembered, if maybe a little quieter and guarded than before but he understood it. A bit of distance would exist between them, but it was a distance that Aarav would diminish even if it were the last thing he did. But his son, his Prem was everything he'd imagined his son to be. The boy loved everything Aarav had grown up with and that's how he found himself engaging in a sword fight with his son, both of them laughing and shouting happily. That's when he noticed Tanya standing near the pillar and without warning, Aarav ran in her direction--taking refuse behind her. "Bas bas Yuvraaj Prem, hum thak chuke hai, aur ab hume aapki Ammi ko waqt dena hai. Aur jahaan tak hume pata hai, aapki padhaai ka samay bhi ho raha hai? Chaliye jaaye, baaki ka khel wapas aane ke baad." He watched Prem head back inside before h wrapped an arm around Tanya and tugged her closer. "Tum kab uthi? Aur chori chori chup ke se hume dekh kyun rahi thi?" He was teasing her of course, but Aarav was still worried mainly because he was so happy that he wasn't sure what bad news was on its way.

Tanya rested her head on his shoulder, sighing contemplatively. "Bas thodi derr pehle," she whispered, shutting her eyes. "Dil bhar gaya tumhe aur Prem ko dekh ke." It was true; seeing them both so happy, so full of life and filling this entire palace with happiness had only made her heart grow warmer. Her fingers tightened around the loose white kurta he was wearing and reached up to kiss his cheek. "Vaise aapke naashte ka samay ho gaya, abhi tak aaya nahin? Humein bhi bhook si lag rahi hai.." She played nervously with the necklace: the same one that he had given her all those years ago, feeling a strange sinking feeling in her stomach, a sense of foreboding as if something awful was about to happen.

Aarav hummed at her words, wondering why it hadn't arrived yet as well but they'd have to first prepare it in the main kitchen and then someone would have to bring it over. He was yet to employ staff for this palace, because a part of him wondered whether or not she would prefer to have this home be just hers, without any outside interference. "Aata hoga, lekin hume aapse kuch poochna bhi tha," he took a deep breath before sitting her down outside in the swing while he sat next to her, both of them moving with the light breeze. "Kya tum chahti ho ke uss mahal ke jaise, yahaan bhi har waqt tumhari seva ke liye log ho?" This was their home which meant all decisions would be taken collectively.

Tanya pursed her lips at his question, pondering it with genuine seriousness. "Chaubis ghante ke liye nahin," she murmured quietly. "Sirf ek ya do sevak rakho har waqt ke liye, agar humein kisi cheez ki sakht zaroorat ho, aur tum doosre mahal mein hoge. Par haan hum chahte hain ki yahan pe bhi bawarchi aur naukar ho. Humein bura lagta hai ki unko wahan bhi banana padta hai, phir aur mehnat se yahan laana padta hai," she admitted, her hand holding his as she traced the veins on the back of his hand quietly, letting him swing them.

Aarav wrapped his arms around her once more, this was why they were a perfect match. She cared about people and their lives, the same way Aarav always did. But he let her take his hand and swung them both quietly before leaning close to her and pressing his lips against her forehead. "Tum hamesha aur logon ke baare mein sochti ho, kabhi khud ke baare mein socha?" Aarav was one of those people though who knew how difficult it would be to convince some of their sevak's to come and work here for a Rani Sahiba who hadn't been formally introduced to the rajya. But that's why Aarav was convinced that's what he needed to do. Somehow, he had to convince his advisors to allow him to give his wife the respect and position she deserved.

Tanya had been moving through the palace with ease, making her daily rounds before she would go to her son's study, check up on him and how he was faring with his studies when she paused in front of a slightly ajar door. She knew this was Aarav's study, where he held meetings sometimes (when he was allowed to) and had been about to close the door fully when she froze at the words being spoken. They would echo in her mind forever. It was how she found herself seated up on the roof, shelling peanuts quietly when she heard footsteps. Her hands quickly wiped away at the phantom tears before she exhaled. Another wife, she'd have to be the other wife now. No matter what Aarav would say, she would always be the other wife because she was of a different faith - a faith that his court didn't approve of.

Aarav had his fists clenched together, needing to control the urge to physical assault his advisors who were trying to convince him against something he deemed unimaginable. They all thought he should be married to someone more suitable to be the Rani Sahiba but Aarav wouldn't let that happen. He couldn't. He was in love with Tanya, and he couldn't just move her aside because his court wanted him to marry a Hindu princess for strategy purposes along with the point of having an heir. But Aarav's heir was always going to be his first born, Prem. The papers had already been written and stamped with the royal stamp indicating as such. But he had to give this idea some thought because it was necessary for his kingdom to prosper. People were revolting because of his relationship and marriage with Tanya, something he'd never understand. With a deep breath, he closed the doors on the advisors and went off in search of his wife, needing to discuss it with her first. He had let the anxiety get to him when he hadn't spotted her anywhere until he was directed to the door by some of the sevaks. He pushed open the door there where he caught her sitting there with peanuts in front of her. She'd been crying, he could tell from how she wiped away at her face. Had he made her unhappy? He knew it was still hard for both of them but he'd given her everything that was his and in his power to give her. "Tum yahaan kyun behti ho? Akele aise--kuch hua?"

Tanya looked up when he sat down next to her and gave him a smile, forcing the dimples out so he wouldn't be alarmed. She shouldn't have bothered, not when he knew her better perhaps better than she knew herself. Tanya offered him the bowl of peanuts before shrugging as she let the dupatta fall from her head onto her shoulders. "Aise hi, yahan se suraj ko doobte hue dekhne ka kuch aur hi maaza hai," she lied; her heart thudded in her chest and she knew that she would have to tell him how she felt, it would eat her alive. "Humne suna.. jo woh log keh rahe the. Ki aapko ek aur shaadi karni chahiye, ek Hindu rajkumari se." She shut her eyes, the words paining her as she forced them out, "Humein bhi lagta hai ki aapko karni chahiye... Aapke rajya ke liye. Log khush nahin hai-- aur agar woh khush nahin hai, toh aap kaunse maineh main ek ache Raja hue?" Her lips pursed then, voiced choked and jaw clenched. She didn't want him to marry another woman but she couldn't be so selfish; maybe this was her real punishment for betraying him all those years ago. Her punishment was that she could never truly have him to herself.

Aarav loved that he could sit with her, not needing to be touching her at every moment, but instead relish in the fact that their relationship was joined by everything, their minds were connected just as well as they were physical. Even now he could feel her sadness vibrating off of her and onto him, making him wonder what was going on until she started speaking. He reached over for her hand as soon as she spoke about overhearing everything. He rubbed small circles on the back of her hand before taking a deep breath when he heard her voice choke up. He hadn't wanted to hurt her and that's all he was doing yet again. "Unke kehne se kuch hota nahi hai. Faisla humara hai.." but his voice lacked the power of a proper king and he knew she'd be able to tell, just like he could always tell when something was wrong with her. "Yaad hai? Tumne pehle din poocha tha, ke kya hum ek acha Raja ban payenge ke nahi? Ab hume nahi lagta ke hum ek ache Raja hain. Raja hone ka matlab yeh toh nahi--ke hum Rajya ke liye khud ka hi maan marde..humne aapse prem kiya hai, shaadi ki hai, hum kisi aur se nahi karni.." And that's when he scooted over in his kurta and held her from the side, wishing there was some way they could escape whatever the future was set to bring. He knew he'd have to ultimately do what was asked, and she'd have to come to terms with it--but it would never be fair to her not matter what, not even if Aarav would never give the same importance to his new wife.

Tanya rested her head against his chest, pulling her feet up to her own as she sighed. "Aur hum yeh bhi jaante hain, kis uss din jab humne kaha tha ki aap ek ache Raja banoge - hum sach bol rahe the. Yeh sach hai ki hum aapko itne ache se nahin jaante the tab, par humne aapke aankhon main pada tha aur hume lagta hai ki aapko unki baat mann ni chahiye." She exhaled slowly, squeezing his hand tightly as she turned to press a soft kiss to his cheek. "Hum bhi tumse behadh pyar karte hain Aarav, aur yeh baat humse koi nahin cheen sakta. Na koi nayi Rani sahiba, na koi munim."

Aarav gathered her closer and sighed when she spoke, smiling because of the memories it brought back to him. He could still remember how he'd been so hopeful when she'd told him he could be a good Raja; it was still something he thought of because when he was first forced to take on the throne, her words had gone through his head for the first little while. Yes, even when he was trying desperately hard to hate her for what she'd done. But when she spoke about him agreeing to the advisor's advice about getting married again, he stiffened up. Didn't she understand how much it repulsed him to think of betraying his love for her that way? But he felt her kiss and looked in her direction, a small smile on his face at her love confession before sighing. "Vaada kariye humse, ke tum hamesha yeh yaad rakhogi. Humari zindagi mein tumhare siva koi aur nahi hai, na aa sakhta hai." He held her close before pressing his lips to her temple. "Humari Rani Sahiba sirf tum ho,"

Tanya shut her eyes at his words, knowing that she wouldn't be able to keep that promise. Even if she was putting on this act of being selfless, Tanya was anything but. She also knew that her son wouldn't take too kindly to the fact that his father was getting married a second time, for a wife who would be the Rani Sahiba for the entire kingdom. It made her wonder if it would start to seem as if he had shut her away in this palace, to keep her away from public eye: almost as if she were a dirty little secret. Stop it Tanya! You know its' not like that. And she did know it wasn't like that but it didn't stop her from wondering. "Vaada karte hain," Tanya whispered, fully aware that it would be broken because of her doubting heart.

Aarav hadn't realized how the moment he'd agreed to his new marriage, the rishta's would start lining up. He'd left the decision up to his advisors, making sure they told the princess that the relationship would be for name, would be strictly in the public eye and he'd be living with his wife and son in their palace. It was during this whole time that Tanya had gotten pregnant for the second time, and due to the proper customs, she was to deliver their child in a place that wasn't this palace and so now that she was arriving back home, Aarav had been pacing their palace ensuring everything was in place to welcome her and their newborn baby into their home. He'd felt Tanya become more and more distant since his marriage to Suhasi, the rajkumari he'd been forced into marrying but he hoped that with the arrival of their new baby, things would get better. It was wishful thinking.

Tanya hadn't been sent too far to live out the last three months of her pregnancy. It had been a house full of ladies in waiting who flitted from the main palace to this haveli that Tanya was made to stay at. They liked to talk too which meant that Tanya would hear every single piece of gossip floating in the palace. Most of what she heard was harmless: aimless talk about relationships between staff. Except when she did hear something of substance, it always seemed to involve the Raja saab and his new Chotti Rani. She'd heard that he'd been staying at the main palace for the entire duration of Tanya's leave, that he spent a lot of time with her, made public appearances - and every single piece of information tore at Tanya's heart. Holding her baby tightly in her grip, Tanya made her way up the steps to the palace, her entourage of ladies behind her and looked up to meet Aarav's eye. Despite her pain, her heart skipped a few beats at the sight of him - the way it always would.

Aarav could barely contain his excitement when he spotted her walking up the steps to their palace. His heart was racing and it wasn't just because of his new baby, but because of her. They'd spent twelve years apart and then these three months just felt like too long now, and if he was honest--he was worried that she wouldn't want to come back. Call it an irrational feel but he was petrified that she'd decide to stay away from him and he'd be forced to live without her. "Dekhe toh, humari nayi taqaat?" And it was true, his new baby would be his new strength to deal with the rest of the world while this palace remained his haven. He was smiling at Tanya but her expressionless face left him distraught. Something was wrong and he couldn't understand. But as she handed him their new baby girl, he felt his heart melting. "Hayye kitni sundar hai yeh nanhi si jaan? Aur inki aankhein, bilkul tumhari tarah hai Rani Sahiba," he looked up at her, about to make a comment about whether their little daughter would have dimples but he quieted seeing the way Tanya chose to stare at him still as blankly as before.

Tanya had shut her eyes when Aarav cooed at their daughter, unable to get the image of him with his newer, younger and perhaps even more beautiful wife out of her head. It was only when he started talking of how their baby girl's eyes were just as big and brown as hers did Tanya felt her heart crack. She knew she should have stayed put, should have put on a facade the way she was expected to but she wasn't really the Rani Sahiba was she? She was just a Muslim girl, a courtesan whom he'd fallen in love, and who had betrayed the entire kingdom. What would he possibly want with her when he had somebody so pure like his Chotti Rani? With these thoughts swirling through her mind, Tanya moved past Aarav, the soft chamm chamm of her payals echoing through the courtyard of the palace as she entered the chambers, not even a single glance to her son or his father.

Aarav had watched her walk away from him, unable to understand why. He'd locked eyes with his son as well who'd told his father with his eyes that he'd go check on his mother. Aarav gave him a small nod before dismissing the rest of the ladies around the palace, thanking them for his service before directing them to the side where one of his munim's would give them each a gold chain as shagun for his newborn baby girl. Aarav turned, still holding the calm little girl in his arms, gently rocking her before entering their bedroom. There he spotted Tanya with Prem in front of her. "Ammi, kuch boliye na, aapko kya hua hai?" Aarav was nearly sure she hadn't seen him and so he paused and waited, hoping she'd at least answer their son and tell him what was wrong and what was going on.

Tanya took her son's hands in hers and exhaled. "Aap humein sach batayenge na Prem, ki aapke Abbu aur uss... uss aurat ke beech main kya hai?" Although something told Tanya that why would Aarav even tell his son that he was embarking on a new relationship with somebody other than his mother? She sighed before looking down. "Humein bas darr lagta hai... aapne dekha hai usse, woh humse chotti hai aur sundar bhi. Aur woh Hindu hai, bilkul ek Rani Sahiba ki tarah." Perhaps it was unfair of her to dump her troubles on her son but she knew he would take them, and he did, taking a seat next to her. "Ammi, Abbu aapse pyar karte hain. Woh sirf doosri rani ke paas iss liye the kyunki unko bola gaya tha munim ji ne." Tanya nodded, before letting her son go, ashamed that she'd let her jealousy take the best of her.

Aarav shut his eyes at his wife's worries. How could Tanya think that because Suhasi was younger that he'd automatically gravitate towards her? Didn't she understand that he hadn't married for twelve years because she was the only woman he'd wanted to be with? And besides even if Suhasi was perfect to the outside world, for Aarav it would always be Tanya. He watched Prem head out of the bedroom and entered it himself, setting their almost asleep baby girl in her little swing. "Agar tumhe humse shikyat hai, toh humse kaho..aise chup chup na raha karo. Hume acha nahi lagta. Waise bhi aap itne mahino se door thi humse aur ab bhi--door hi ho." He didn't turn though, he just kept swinging their little girl in that little swing, not wanting to face Tanya to admit how much it hurt to face her distance.

Tanya despised the way he had slipped his tone from informal to formal in the span of two seconds and Tanya felt as if she was watching her entire relationship with him disappearing through her fingers. She stood up then, rushing to where he was and wrapping her arms around his waist. She pressed her face against his back and shut her eyes. "Humein sirf darr tha, pata nahin kyun.. Woh teen mahine, kitne mushkil se guzre aur hum jaante the ki ghar main aapke liye ek aur patni thi..." Tanya felt a fat tear squeeze its way through her shut eyes and drip down her cheek.

Aarav turned around and held her close before taking a deep breath. "Tanya, ek aur patni ka matlab yeh nahi hai ke humara pyaar tumse hat ke uske paas jayega." He closed his eyes before opening them to wipe away her tears. "Hum na kabhi usse pyaar kar sakhte hai, na karenge. Humara parivaar tum ho, humara beta hai aur yeh nanhi si rajkumari hai. Hume aur kuch nahi chaiye." He lifted up their daughter once more, gesturing for Tanya to come closer as well before he hummed quietly and turned to her. "Iska naam kya rakhenge hum? Aur hum tumhe pehle hi bata dete hai, yeh humari aankhon ka tara ban chuki hai, aur iss khoobsurat tofe ke liye shukriya."

Tanya peered at their daughter fast asleep in her father's arms and smiled. "Zaira. Iss ka naam hum Zaira rakhenge," she whispered, unable to look away from the flushed pink cheeks of her daughter, reminding her too much of roses. Just like the rose Aarav had given to her the first time they had ever met. It hadn't been red; Tanya remembered that. It had been a soft pink rose, one which Tanya had cherished ever after it had wilted and died.

#ᴀᴀʀᴀɴʏᴀ ᴀᴜ ↳ chatzy

1 note · View note

Last Seen Blogs

tiredofthehumanlife

Tiredofthehumanlife

copenhagenbikes-blog

Copenhagen Bicycles

candied-cravat

a lot of pokémon

mammaonii

Reiko is bae

1oldhiker

Just an old man.