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fictionplumis · 2 years

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Here's a fun little idea that's bound to rife with conflict and hijinks, one which I was not planning on writing this much on but I did. If anyone wants to write an actual Steddy Hands thing about this, fucking go for it my dude, but here's my rambling.

A modern AU, maybe a college thing, where Ed and Izzy are roommates, nothing more. But they've known each other for so long they might as well be married, y'know? Ed isn't a very touchy guy, but he's comfortable enough with Izzy to toss himself over Izzy's lap and annoy the shit out of him, and Izzy does the bare minimum of fussing because it's Ed and Ed can do whatever the hell he wants in Izzy's eyes. Izzy does Ed's taxes and makes sure the registration of his motorcycle is updated every year. He knows all of Ed's obscure passwords and makes sure the bills are paid on time. Ed knows Izzy's usual order from every takeout place in a twelve mile radius and then some and goes to most of Izzy's fencing competitions and listens to him rant about his day.

Izzy is obviously in love, in love, right? Yeah. Everyone knows that. Except Izzy has no idea how to function in that state and truthfully, he's pretty content with things. Does he have sad, rough wanks whenever Edward isn't home? Oh yeah. Does he have sad, rough wanks whenever Edward is home? Of course. Would he be happier and better adjusted if Ed fucked him on the living room floor twice a day? --Why am I even bothering answering these, we know the answer is yes. But even without that, he has Ed, so it's like, fine or whatever.

And Ed loves Izzy. That's his little shithead. His comfort problematic dickhead. He finds Izzy's dry wit and sarcasm amusing, enjoys mildly inconveniencing him to see him scowl, and just in the most basic forms, loves Izzy.

Why aren't they a couple then?

Because, like, they're dumb. Obviously.

Izzy is an angsty little shit that doesn't think Edward is interested in him like that and is desperate to keep things exactly as they are so he doesn't risk losing Ed. Ed is just content and chill to keep things how they are and doesn't think Izzy is interested in him that way. He's just a sexually repressed little dude in general and Ed isn't going to take advantage of that, not to his best friend, so while he absolutely notices how often Izzy stares at his lips when they get into a heated spat over something, it doesn't mean anything.

(It absolutely means something.)

Enter Stede Bonnet, the funky dude that shows up one day at one of Jack's parties, IDK. He's all dressed up and just really excited to be a part of the action, guys! Now usually Ed has taken to spending these parties scrolling on his phone, laying on the couch with his head in Izzy's lap because getting wasted and puking over the balcony of Jack's dorm has gotten old. But then he sees this blond angel in a salmon colored blazer and slacks and is like, "Izzy, holy shit," and the next five hours of Izzy's life consists of sitting there between the two of them, nursing a rum and coke that isn't strong enough while those two prattle on about their lives.

They hit it off instantly. Izzy isn't jealous at first. It's just his usual amount of malice and whenever it rubs Stede the wrong way, Ed just waves it off because that's Izzy, mate, he's always like that. Stede is wary but accepting. Izzy is bored and assumes Edward's infatuation will eventually wear off and things will go back to normal.

For a little bit there's this awkward space where sometimes just Stede and Ed hang out, or a mash of their two friend groups, but it's often the three of them, and Izzy is pretty much just there, off to the side, not really interested in participating, and Edward is mostly focused on Stede, which isn't too much of a problem because he's seen Ed get like that before. They'll fuck or something, and then Edward will lose interest, no biggie.

Now from Stede's perspective, these two are a thing. Which is a shame, because he's really become very attached to Ed, and for a couple they don't really have great communication skills. Izzy always seems jealous and annoyed that his boyfriend is paying so much attention to someone else, and Ed never seems to notice. Usually in a situation like that, Stede might try to draw Izzy into the conversation, or draw Ed's attention to Izzy but--

But Izzy's kind of a bitch.

So really, it's Izzy's own fault that Ed wants to pay attention to someone who isn't a bitch. Like let your boyfriend have friends, Izzy, damn. Ed's at least making an effort to make sure Izzy is around, watching movies with them, dragging him out places and such. Surely a good boyfriend would try to engage. So that's on Izzy.

But then during a movie night a week and a half in or something, Ed kisses him. In front of Izzy. And Stede's brain kind of short-circuits, meanwhile Izzy hardly bats an eye. He'd been kind of assuming Stede and Edward had been macking on each other anyway, just not around him, and when Stede gets all flustered and it looks like Edward is interested in taking things a bit further, Izzy just stands himself up, says, "Yeah, you two have fun, I'm out," and heads for his room because fucking finally. Now Edward can get this out of his system and things can go back to being normal.

Stede's whole concept of things suddenly shifts.

Clearly, Stede is now in a throuple.

Which he's down with! It's just... Even if this is more of a Stede/Ed and Ed/Izzy dynamic, he really should learn more about his partner's partner, right? It's polite. So while Izzy spends the next week warily eyeing Stede and Ed, waiting for the attraction to wear off, Stede is spending his alone time with Ed asking about Izzy, and spending their time as the three of them trying to get to know Izzy.

It's... Not easy. Because Izzy suddenly seems more bristly now that Stede is officially part of the dynamic, more resentful that Edward is spending so much time with the new guy, and Stede gets it! Ed doesn't mean to, he's sure, it's clear whenever Ed talks about Izzy that there's a lot of love there and he's used to Izzy's eccentricities and doesn't have a problem with Izzy's standoffish attitude--and the way Ed talks about Izzy, he's someone Stede could easily come to like himself! Stede has no problem with a bit of attitude directed his way, just... Maybe a bit less purposely biting? And maybe not constantly. He'd like to have actual conversations with Izzy, like Ed does, and some comfortable but companionable silences, a bit of dry yet playful bantering and such. Surely Ed really doesn't mean to spend more of his time with Stede than Izzy, it's just that Ed is pretty easily distracted and these two really aren't the best at communication.

Now, did Stede ever ask if Ed and Izzy were a thing? No. Did he ask if he was now involved in a throuple? Also no. Did he ask if Izzy was okay with Stede being involved with Edward? Yeah, actually. He asked Ed first, specifically, "Are you sure Izzy is okay with this?" to which Ed was like, "Pssh, yeah, 'course, why wouldn't he be?" and then he later asked Izzy, "Hey, are you actually okay with... This?" and Izzy gave him a nasty look and said, "I don't fucking care what Edward gets up to." You know, like a liar. And Stede just assumed they knew exactly what he meant.

All this to say that Stede is equally fucking terrible with communication.

However! Stede assumes he's great at it and clearly these two need some help, so he decides he's going to help them become better for each other, and maybe that would make Izzy less unbearable to be around.

So Stede starts kindly suggesting that maybe Edward make some more time to spend with Izzy one on one, so as to not make him feel left out. He doesn't understand Ed's initial confusion, nor he does he see the resulting fight when Edward confronts Izzy to ask if he said anything bitchy to Stede, because dude, stay the fuck out of my relationship, you've been acting like a dick to him from the beginning. And Izzy says some shit because he's angry and jealous and then he storms out and spends the next three days sleeping on Jackie's couch.

Stede feels awful, because Ed is all upset about what Izzy said, and while no, it wasn't fair, and Stede is pretty upset about it too, it is kind of his fault. He admits that Izzy didn't say anything to him, he just thought Izzy seemed a little... Jilted. And Stede doesn't want to get in between them like that. It wouldn't hurt to make more of an effort to show Izzy he was cared about, would it?

And Ed's like, "Well... No. Guess it wouldn't. Guess I haven't really been good at that, just took it for granted that he knew."

They brainstorm some ideas, like having more nights where it's just Ed and Izzy, maybe have a nice dinner in, try to cook for him or order something a little nicer. Make it a weekly thing. And Ed mentions Izzy's competitions and goes to look up when the next one is only to see in it's a couple days and Izzy didn't mention that. He always mentions that. Why didn't he mention that? Shit, fuck, had he really been neglecting Izzy so much that Izzy didn't even think it was worth mentioning his competition? It's a big one, too. Now Ed's all sad again and Stede is like, "This is okay, it's fixable. You know about it now, you can show up and surprise him!"

So Stede helps Ed make a big sparkly sign that says GIVE 'EM HELL, IZZY! Ed's shown up to most of Izzy's competitions for support, cheers him on, but he's never made a big deal of it like this. The sign is huge, florescent, embarrassing as hell in a way that Ed loves and knew Izzy secretly didn't mind. Stede declines to come, because it really should be about them.

Stede is so happy he's able to help Ed find ways of being a better boyfriend.

Ed's so lucky that Stede is willing to help him be a better friend.

Izzy is... Embarrassed. And flattered. And he's so distracted by Ed showing up with his big sparkly sign that he gets second place when he deserved first but fuck it, it doesn't even matter.

Ed explains that it was Stede's idea, and that Stede helped him make the sign, and that he's going to try to be a better friend and be there for Izzy more. And that he thinks Izzy should talk about his feelings more, and Ed plans on doing the same, because it's good for them! He cares and he doesn't want Izzy to feel like they never have time to themselves, and this is all Stede's suggestion, he really knows what he's doing, Iz, and he doesn't want our friendship to be strained because of him.

Which Izzy finds so fucking stupid and suspicious and clearly this is Bonnet's way of making himself look better and make Izzy look like the irrational asshole. Or he's just pitying Izzy, and that's just as bad.

So despite all of Stede's good intentions and Edward's willingness to make time and be more considerate of Izzy's feelings, things do not get better.

Then we have Lucius!

Now Lucius and Pete are an official thing, but they're open. Pete's not interested in anyone else, but he's supportive of Lucius and when Lucius starts up a somewhat consistent thing with Fang, they talk it out to make sure it's okay, and then they let Fang know that they've talked it out and it's cool. And Fang's talked about it with his platonic partner Ivan to make sure it's okay, and yeah, everyone's cool all around.

Lucius has been hearing about Stede's relationship off and on in dreary sighs and he's occasionally offered bits of advice that's been mostly ignored and really, he just doesn't want to get involved, because he's met Ed, and Ed is kind of intimidating honestly, and it's just like, absolutely not his business.

But then he's over at Fang and Ivan's to work on an art assignment when Izzy slams his way in making a fuss over something, and Lucius hears Stede's name a couple times mixed up with curses and shit, and Izzy is an absolute dick to him, and a dick to Fang and Ivan, and when it becomes clear they're too busy to indulge in his bullshit, Izzy goes stomping away muttering about useless fucking shitheads too busy drawing dicks to be of any help. Lucius is like, "What the fuck was that all about?"

And Ivan rolls his eyes and is like, "Izzy's been going through some shit with his best friend dating this guy..."

So now Lucius has two wildly inconsistent and dubiously accurate descriptions on what the fuck is going on with Stede. In his brief interaction with Izzy, Lucius has determined that this is a man who's only orgasms come from sad, furtive wanks in his room and it's probably been that way for YEARS now, like Izzy Hands is so sexually frustrated and repressed it's not even funny except for the fact it's actually HILARIOUS, and he's so glad that he never really go involved in this mess, because it means he can get involved now and wreck Izzy's entire life in a way that's very much needed for him. Gonna get that fucker laid.

Lucius becomes an agent of pure chaos on a mission.

So the next time Stede looks all dour and is sighing a lot, Lucius is like, "Okay, lay it all out for me, what's going on Stede? I want to help."

And Stede, like... Sort of, vaguely lays it out with the most recent problem and Lucius nods sagely and goes, "You know, maybe you're going about this the wrong way. Maybe instead of trying to keep your life with Ed and Ed's life with Izzy separate, you should be trying to bridge the gap between you and Izzy." And Stede makes a face and Lucius is like, "No, no, hear me out for a second. You said things were a little tense but mostly fine when the three of you were casually hanging out, right? And then it got a little tenser once you and Ed starting spending more time together. It's even worse now that you're giving Ed more time to spend with him away from you. Maybe he doesn't feel left out from Ed, maybe he feels left out from you and Ed. Some people aren't meant to have a boyfriend who has a boyfriend. Some people are meant to have two boyfriends."

Which makes perfect sense to Stede for some reason.

So he brings it up to Ed, that maybe they should all three hang out more, like they used to.

And Ed is like... Tired.

Because Izzy has been so fucking frustrating, and he doesn't know what the fuck is going on with him anymore, and he's not really sure this is a good idea because Izzy had straight up become hostile and unhinged at this point. Little do they know it's only because Izzy is so fucking confused as to what Stede's GAME is. There has to be a game, right? This has to be some kind of trick. Pity. SOMETHING. And he hates it, he hates not knowing what Stede's intention is, and hates that his suspicions are only making Ed pull away more because Ed doesn't see that something is fucking wrong here, he doesn't see that Stede is probably a conniving little shit that's plotting something and thinks he's so much better than Izzy, but Izzy sees it, he SEES IT DAMMIT.

At least with the three of them hanging out more, maybe Ed will start catching on.

Stede puts himself in the middle this time, between the two of them. Tries to reach out more Izzy, rope him into the conversation, tries to be friendlier. Is met with nothing but suspicion, confusion, and reluctance because for the life of him, Izzy can't figure out this NEW game. More pity, probably. He doesn't like it. He'd rather it be Ed, but Ed is usually silent and sullen and uncomfortable on the other side of Stede, because he lowkey hates listening to Stede try only for Izzy to continue to be a dick.

A few uncomfortably tense hangouts later, and Stede, in a desperate attempt to bridge the gap, realizes he has spent the entire movie night holding Edward's hand, so he reaches out to take Izzy's too.

He feels Izzy go completely rigid and chances a glance over at him to see him staring back in absolute bewilderment. Stede gives him a soft smile, equal parts reassuring and imploring, and rubs his thumb over the back of Izzy's hand.

And all hell breaks loose.

Izzy's on his feet yelling at Stede. Then Ed is on his feet yelling at Izzy. And Stede isn't even sure what either of them are saying with how they're yelling over each other but he wedges his way between them, tells them to stop, and Ed stops, but Izzy is still livid, still yelling, only this time Stede can hear something about not wanting your fucking pity so he just. Does the stupid thing. And shuts Izzy up with a kiss.

And it works!

Izzy is thoroughly shut the fuck up enough that Stede can now go, "I don't pity you, you stupid, stubborn man! I just want us all to get along, for Ed's sake if nothing else! He deserve that, doesn't he?"

Izzy just stares at him in some mix of horror and shock. So Stede hesitantly glances to Edward to silently ask if this was a normal thing, only to see Edward looking just as bewildered as Izzy had looked over the whole hand holding thing, and Stede realizes, well shit, he might have just crossed a line. Because he knew Izzy was more... Conservative when it comes to PDA. After all, Stede had never see Ed and Izzy so much as kiss in public. They're liberal with touches, or WERE anyway, but even hand holding never happened.

And he's just like, shit, I crossed a line, didn't I?

Izzy is still processing. Edward is like, "Uh... Maybe? Dunno. I should say yeah. Most people would say yeah. I always thought it would be a line of mine. If you would have asked me where my line was, I would have said yeah man, right the fuck here. Definitely a line. Like. Seeing my boyfriend kiss my best friend should probably be a fucking line but it's not? It's not. Nope. Actually. Pretty chill with that. Maybe not chill, chill probably isn't the right word, I'm not chill right now, but I think if it happened a lot more often I could be chill with it. No, but right now I'm just... Wow, Stede, you really just fucking did that, just went in there and-- Damn. That was kind of hot."

And Stede is relieved and flattered and like, "Well, I mean... I just thought-- Wait. Wait, hang on. Friend?"

And Ed's like. "Uh. What?"

"Friend. You called Izzy your friend."

And by that point Izzy's brain has started to work again, vaguely, and he mutters a hoarse, "Best friend, he said best friend."

And Stede is just. Confused at first. And then he thinks about it, about all of it, and the mortification starts seeping in until he wails, "I thought we were both dating Ed!" And when they look confused he flails around a bit and goes, "I thought the three of us were in a relationship! I thought you and Ed were together but open, and then Ed started dating me, and-- and--!"

Ed catches on first and starts laughing. Izzy catches on and shoves Stede, not hard but Stede lets himself fall back onto the couch as Izzy starts chewing him out for being an idiot and what the fuck made you think something like that, you imbecile!

And Stede's only defense is, "You two acted like a couple who had been together a long time!"

And Ed's like, "Yeah, 'cause we've been friends forever! But Iz doesn't feel that way about me."

And Izzy's like, "Don't fucking put words in my mouth, you're an imbecile too!"

Which of course leads to them actually sitting down to have a frank and serious conversation about what the past few months have all been about, and about Ed and Izzy's relationship before that. There's apologies made, heartfelt from Ed and reluctant from Izzy. And when the conversation peters out and Ed mutters, "Okay, so... What now?" Stede looks between the two of them. Ed, with a pinch of guilt in his brows. Izzy, looking away, shoulders set miserably but his jaw clenched in expectation of a blow, and Stede just says, "Why don't we start over? Try this from the top, but this time do it the way I thought we were in the first place. The three of us. I think, now that we all know what's going on... I think maybe we can figure it out this time around."

(Spoiler: They do.)

#steddy hands #stizzy #blackbonnet #gentlehands #gentlebeard #idea wont leave me alone so im throwing this out into the void #there is no adoption fee #besides like #linking me the fic or w/e

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