#bisexual never really felt right to me even when I first started identifying as bi

[frecklystars]

I never really thought about sexuality much even when the people around me started showing interest in relationships. So at first I thought I was bisexual, because I had the same amount of interest in men/women. Then I realized that gender wasn't really an important factor to me in attraction, so I called myself pansexual. Then I realized most of the people I'd ever felt attraction towards were fictional, so these days I mostly just use aspec/queer to identify myself.

All of these labels (to me) are just a tool for helping you understand yourself a little better, and you don't need to force yourself to use one you don't feel fits anymore.

I remember seeing a post on tumblr ages ago talking about identity that was like 'show me a permanent state of self' because you're constantly changing as a person as you learn.

Anyways, sorry for the rambling, just wanted to let you know you're not alone, sorry about the sexuality crisis, hope your day gets better

AWW thank you for taking the time to send this to me sweetheart. "sorry about the sexuality crisis" made me burst out laughing; I know you didn't mean it to be funny, you are being kind, but that's just funny to me that multiple people have sent me messages in my inbox/dms saying "so sorry you think you're a lesbian and it's making you spiral and cry in the middle of the night" like I just never expected people to send me a message like that haha. thank you, genuinely thank you for saying that though, because HOO i am STRUGGLING here bro... but it's ok i'll figure it out eventually <3

I have heard that's very much an aro/aspec feeling, to say "well I don't feel much preference for any gender, so maybe I'm bi/pan". I watched a video on being aro/ace and I related to some of it but not all of it entirely, so I know I'm... I'm ace, for sure. and I think I'm aro somewhat? Women™ are a big big big piece of the puzzle and the only reason why I don't feel fully aro is bc my attraction for them is There but at the same time I don't know if I feel it... as... much(?) as I am "supposed" to. or maybe my lack of physical affection/lack of feeling totally safe in a relationship is just bc of actual life experience and not like, who I am as a person? question mark???

I also think the realization that maybe I am not changing from bi into possibly lesbian, but I might not have been bi this entire time has hit me like a ton of bricks and is what's hurting me so bad. I was so confident I was bi for yeeeears, because I assumed I'd felt attraction to men, even if it was short and fleeting and practically nonexistent, but all this time I don't think I have felt attraction to men, not truly. but again -- does bisexuality have to include men? if I'm a cis woman I mean, would my bisexuality HAVE to include men or can it just be "I am attracted to literally anybody Except Men." and like, hey, maybe I haven't met enough men?? most of my experiences with men have been kind of um. uncomfortable and creepy. maybe I would feel attracted to a man in the future?? I used to joke with my other bi friends "oh my standards for men are SO HIGH, they have to meet a whole checklist of requirements for me to feel attraction to them, but for a woman all she has to do is exist and I'm in LOVE with her" and like... that could be.. a lesbian feeling sdfhldhfskldf or I'm just bi with 99.9999% attraction to women and 00.0001% attraction to other people, which might include men but like, only two unobtainable men who are celebrities (Ryan Gosling and Nick Blaemire) which don't count because they are... unobtainable celebrities. MAN WHO KNOWS!!!!! I DON'T KNOWS. is it still valid attraction to men if it's an unobtainable celebrity? It's still a real life man, right? Even if you know nothing would ever come of it? Me feeling romantically attracted (or I guess crushing lol) on a male celebrity feels just as real and big and pure and whole as me feeling romantically attracted to an obtainable non-celebrity woman standing in front of me. AGAIN, WHO KNOWSSSSS

I like how you said labels are a tool and I don't need to force myself to have one that doesn't fit anymore. I just feel really like, panicked if I don't have a label, for some reason. Maybe "WLW" or "Sapphic" can be my placeholder. I like being bi but man I don't know if I was ever bi at all if I don't feel attracted to men unless if they're celebs/fictional?? It doesn't feel like I've gradually changed into something else, it feels like I've woken up from a dream-like state where I thought I was bi but it turns out I'm actually Not. unless if, like I said, I could be bi with just, the strongest attraction to women possible LMAO. it doesn't help that I'm ace because it makes it a little more confusing to figure out. soooo many people have told me "oh it depends on who you'd sleep with" but I don't want to sleep with anyone. y'know. never ever had that urge, no matter the gender. WHY IS IT SO CONFUSINGGGG BRO

anyway thank you for sending me a message and helping me feel heard/listened to. giving you hugs and flowers 💖💐🌼🌸🌻🌷✨🌹🌺🌈✨💖💝💟🌸💘✨

#anonymous #asks

[redheadbigshoes]

Hey, can i ask your opinion on something? Sorry the long post.

I spent years and years thinking I was straight and later on bisexual because I could fantasize about sex with men and feel the pleasure of the act itself, you know? It was like I can feel pleasure so it means I’m attracted to them. But when I first realized I was attracted to women it was something out of this world. Nothing could compare to the way I felt about them. I remember the only thought I was able to process in that moment was “I’m a lesbian.” over and over again lmao. Everything clicked. But… after a few days I started to believe I was attracted to men and was only faking my lesbianism. Started to identify as bi… I could fantasize about sex with men and women, but those fantasies were completely different. With men it was about the act itself or myself or some fetish idk, idealized fantasy. With women was about the woman completely, it could come with other things but it was primarily about the woman.

Now, I feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian, I feel the pride and euphoria of being one in the way I never felt being anything else before. I know I want to be with girls and only girls. But these days, reading some asks here on tumblr I started to feel confused and anxious like “Am I even valid as a lesbian?” with a lot of thoughts that made me go back to when I could not believe I wasn’t attracted to men.

So. I wonder if you could tell me if i’m not valid, like, am I making a mistake by identifying as a lesbian? I don’t want to offend anyone or be where I shouldn’t. I don’t really feel like being with a man to test anything. Really, I just want to take this confusion out of my heart. (and maybe I should really take a break from tumblr too)

Thank you!

Hi, sure!

From your ask it doesn’t seem you’re questioning whether you’re a lesbian or bi, right? You’re just questioning if considering your experiences you’re still valid?

When you started calling yourself a lesbian, after that do you still fantasize about men sexually? If the answer is yes, try to reflect on why you still like imagining yourself with a guy sexually. From what you said it really could be comphet, because when it comes to that fake attraction to men it’s common to focus entirely on yourself when it’s about imagining you with a guy sexually.

This video talks a little about fantasizing about men as a lesbian, maybe you’ll relate with it. I feel like she didn’t really specify if she’s talking about someone who haven’t figured they’re a lesbian, if it’s about someone who already knows they’re lesbian or if it’s about both situations. I think it’s more common to stop fantasizing about men once you truly realize and accept the fact that you’re a lesbian, I personally don’t really know why would someone still think about them sexually/romantically while fully knowing they’re not a lesbian.

#stephanie answers #anon #long post

[radkindoffeminist]

It annoys me so much that people will refuse to see how sometimes stuff feeds into a wider rhetoric and annoys me even further that when you question if something feeds into wider rhetoric that you’re dismissed as being like someone who believes in a crazy conspiracy or just told that not everything has to being about whatever issue. It’s just one show or film or plot or joke or comment and therefore is relatively harmless, right?

Like that post I shared the other day which said that asking a GNC person if they’re trans is just a question and not forcing them to be trans. But they don’t realise that they’re one person feeding into the wider rhetoric that GNC women are men and vice versa. When does it stop becoming people innocently asking one person a question (and btw a question GNC people have probably asked themselves before) and start becoming social pressure?

When I first started to think I was bisexual, I identified at so in the online spaces I was in. Multiple people questioned how I could possibly know I was bisexual if I had never even kissed before and thought that it was weird that I ‘just knew’ based on how I felt. I didn’t think so much about it when the first person asked me but by the tenth or so it had me seriously questioning myself and I ended up going back in the closet for another five years. You could argue that anyone who asked was just curious and asking a genuine question, but every person who asked made me question myself more. Every time that was their reaction to me saying I was bi, it pushed me back in the closest. When you ask gay and bi people how they ‘just know if they haven’t tried’ or ask GNC people if they’ve considered if they’re trans, you’re assuming they haven’t asked themselves that and that no one else has ever asked them that question before. Why would you assume that? Why ever ask a question that, more than likely, is just adding to the social pressure that they face?

What about a film like Licorice Pizza? It tells the story of a teenage boy falling in love with a 20-something woman and pursuing her until they eventually fall for each other. My friend thought it was a sweet romcom showing how people with age gaps can bond over shared interest. For me personally and as someone who dated a 21 year old when I was 15? I can’t see it as anything more than a film feeding into the rhetoric that paedophilia isn’t that bad when it’s the younger person pursuing the older person because it’s really only the grooming and lying which is the problem and not like the inherent power imbalances caused by teens not having as much life experiences, being at different developmental stages, and the financial differences. It took me so long to start dealing with the fact that I was traumatised and abused because in my first relationship and other ‘friendships’ I had, I had pursued them so I felt like it was my responsibility and that I did that to myself, but I know that the adults I was talking to should have known better than to keep talking to a fucking child and cut me off. Teenagers will always pursue adults, but adults have the responsibility to turn around and say no. We shouldn’t be blaming paedophilia on teens (especially teen girls) being to mature and irresistible for men to say no to.

And a final example: the way abortion is portrayed in the media, particularly medical dramas. I am convinced that this is why so many women see abortion as something which is only for the most desperate women and hence why so many refuse to seriously consider it as an option/automatically dismiss it. In every medical drama I’ve watched abortions are only seen as being for women who were raped, abused, or in a particularly poor (financial) situation, with only a small handful of exceptions to this rule. Women turn their noses up at the idea of having abortions, even when they are suffering from it or the baby won’t survive. Like Grey’s has four separate stories (one from the spin off) I can recall off the top of my head about women who were medically advised to have an abortion but refused because they would rather have the baby -two of these were because the baby wasn’t going to survive more than a few minutes; two because the women had cancer and couldn’t receive treatment while pregnant so accepted dying for the baby. Look at the wider media and what sort of stories about abortion access do you see post Roe vs Wade being overturned? I believe most the ones I’ve heard about are teenagers and/or rape victims.

Sometimes, something is just a joke or comment or whatever. But often when we say it’s feeding into wider rhetoric, we mean it. It’s never just one person or show or film company saying and doing these things, it’s many. They’re not all innocent and ignorant and we’re allowed to call out patterns when we see it. We’re not crazy conspirators for recognising that misogyny and homophobia and paedophilia exist in media, even if subtly.

#I now have mad respect for the person who cut me off when I finally told them I was 14/15 #that was the right thing to do #it fucking hurt at the time but they were absolutely right #thank you for not traumatising me

[rabbitindisguise]

I was afraid of getting worse on recovery and (don't quote me on this) my experience has so far made me feel that is less true?

Growing up I either had to be amazing or terrible, and while being terrible was too much to ever even consider I started to genuinely believe I could/should/would be amazing just to escape the prospect of being terrible. This probably wouldn't be a problem for most people but combined with the regular mania/hypomania where it felt like I was achieving that. With nothing and no one to point out I was a regular human being, I was constantly frustrated with my mistakes instead of working on just like . . . what I could reasonably do. I had lost all sense of reasonable. And the mania was willing to latch on to that and contort itself in whichever way would be necessary to make me feel like hot shit.

And like OOF right? I'm not generally a follower of the medical model, but PTSD is one exception and it's affect on mania has made me feel well and truly ill. I don't want it and I can't stand it. My actions are my own, bipolar doesn't force you to do bad things, and yet it still makes things so . . . difficult!!! It's really hard to know what to do!! I get irritated with everything, I don't know what's really true about me or what I just breezily say as if it's true, I'm scared of myself doing something reckless.

Anyways more to the point while bipolar itself was always there (er, relatively, I had my first episode in highschool, from what I can gather from my blogging on Tumblr) the PMDD overtop complicated the problem so I was going to have to figure out one or the other first. It also means I was never a person with depression, which I'm grateful to know. Depressive episodes are, well, depression but it's not the same. Since I generally have about four different episodes a year (apparently?? I don't know it's just a guess at this point from looking at my blog and stuff) I'm never staying depressed long enough to be clinically depressed. This is important to me because when I was depressed-depressed (after my grandfather died) I couldn't write, I felt terrible, I was actively suicidal at the time. These days from all my practice with PMDD it rarely gets more than I can handle (I can still write, I'm less functional but I'm not totally immobilized, I know what to do in an emergency). And the most petrifying thing about SSRIs was how they made me feel (mania) which is much worse when you don't know that you're wrong and that your feelings aren't an accurate depiction of reality. With PMDD, the reactions are over exaggerated but at least have a BASIS. And since I didn't know why I was depressed I also (wrongfully) assumed that depression had to have a basis. I couldn't understand what was happening. I refused to humble myself to understand what was happening. I was convinced I new everything about my brain and my therapists kept indulging that fantasy, kept telling me how self aware and reasonable I seemed.

So yeah while this seems like so much more, potential lifetime medication, so much therapy in my future . . . I'm glad I figured it out now before I tried to do something even more reckless than I already have. Thankfully I'm such a cautious person that none of it involved like, a lot of alcohol or whatever, just a reasonable amount, but considering how firm I was to never even try it and alarm bells didn't go WEE WOO in my brain about it there's some solid evidence I'm literally off the rocker at this point. The rocker and me have never been so far apart. But perhaps I've just been bad at estimating distances as I've painstakingly crawled back to it ever since I had my first period.

(I'm also, importantly, debating if I should identify as bisexual just to make a bi, bi, bi nsync joke or if that's too crass)

(and side note: isn't mania supposed to be good and fun and sexy? It sucks!! Hyperfocus is a million times better. Doing stuff while manic is like I'm wearing those cursed dancing shoes that force you to dance until you die from exhaustion- without the dancing even being average for my skill level. My eyes keep opening too wide and I feel like I'm full of electricity and I'm not tired or hungry. I'm so anxious!! I'd rather be depressed at this point and never write another word than stay like this one more minute. Argh. I've done so many chores and I hated every minute of it. I feel like I'm holding my own leash back at all times just to remember to eat and sleep and drink water and pee and and and. If this is mania then the movies are sincerely missing something important because I'm not happy at all.)

(also last note: wait does that mean understanding that I'm crazy make me not crazy?? Isn't that the whole thing? "If you understand that you're not supposed to feel this way, that's the difference between anxiety and something more complicated?" Idk being mentally ill is hard because of the colloquialisms everywhere.)

(another problem is that I just. Can't. Stop. Talking. There will never be a good place to end this where I don't want to say more things.)

#personal #mental illness #menstruation #PTSD #pmdd #annnd bipolar #maybe #probably #i don't even know #am i even autistic???? #i know i have adhd #thank fuck for small mercies #my entire perception of myself could radically change but at the end of the day i will always be a little adhd gremlin

[b1ackb3rryw1n3aunt]

I’m a lesbian

#me #mine #in case anyone was wondering #I think I’ve figured at least that out #I also think I actually knew that I just didn’t wanna know #bisexual never really felt right to me even when I first started identifying as bi #and then I just didn’t wanna think about it for a long while #anyways so this is the first time I’m saying it anywhere for certain rather than just wondering about it #I’m a lesbian :)

[hellomynameisbisexual]

After growing up in small-town central Wisconsin, Sarah Wallisch came to Milwaukee to attend UWM. As a young adult, Sarah felt pretty disconnected from the local LGBT community, but also felt hungry for something – something that wasn’t really being served anywhere.

“I didn’t realize that people weren’t attracted to multiple genders until I was in middle or high school,” said Sarah. “I was really fortunate to have parents who didn’t enforce gender or sexuality stereotypes. They were always so supportive. When I was 11, my father showed me 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' with me. Seeing bisexual representation, right around the time I was starting to understand there was stigma for not being straight, cut through some of that stigma for me. My mother was asking if I was bringing my boyfriend – or girlfriend – to holidays long before I ever came out to her.

"Still, I felt this social pressure to ‘pick a side.’ I joined groups that leaned heavily lesbian, but they often saw me as an ally. I even had a girlfriend who told me not to call myself bisexual in front of lesbians. I still consider myself bisexual, but I often use queer, because it’s a useful shorthand to encompass sexuality and gender.

“So, I took to the internet to find bisexual and pansexual groups. At the time, there was 521 in Madison – where I first heard the term ‘non-monosexual’ – but nothing based in Milwaukee.”

Bi Definition formed in 1995 when two Counseling Center of Milwaukee groups merged to create a “social, support an activist organization.” Attendance and funding dwindled over the next decade, and by 2004, Bi Definition was out of business. For the next ten years, there was no bisexual support organization in Milwaukee.

It was an opportunity to be the change needed in the world. In 2014, Sarah created the Bi+ Pride Milwaukee Facebook page so that bi+ people searching for connection could find their community.

“It was an online-only space for a few years, with a few ‘what if’ coffee conversations here and there,” Sarah said. “But nothing really went anywhere until Amy found us. That was really the start of Bi+ Pride Milwaukee as we exist today.”

Bi+ Pride Milwaukee

Amy Luettgen, a lifelong Milwaukeean, grew up in Bay View. Married for 36 years, with three children and two grandchildren, Amy will soon retire from the State of Wisconsin after a quarter century of service.

At the same time, Amy has identified as bisexual for over 40 years.

“I tried to use ‘pansexual,’ but I guess I was just ahead of my time," Amy said. "I could just as easily use pan or queer, but I use bisexual because so many activists have worked so hard to make sure the B was included in LGBTQ.

“I don’t remember a time when I was not attracted to more than one gender. I knew bisexuals existed, but I couldn’t seem to find any in real life, and references to bisexuality were all so negative and diminishing. The only person in the world who acknowledged their bisexuality was David Bowie. It seems so quaint now, but you so rarely heard the word, so it was very affirming. It really mattered. Anything that made you feel as though you were not the one and only one mattered, a lot.

“When I left home at age 17, I just knew I did not belong in straight spaces and so I sought out LGBTQ people. It was not easy being out as a bi+ person. You were pressured to ‘pick a side’ and I just couldn’t. I was always identified by whomever I was in a relationship with. People were always telling me who I was, and that made things very difficult. I knew precisely who I was and there was no one who could convince me otherwise.

“After commuting to Madison for many years, I found time for extracurricular activities for the first time in a long time. I’d tried to connect with the community for years but could never seem to find what I was looking for. I felt isolated for most of my adult life, feeling like one of the few bisexuals I knew, and wanting to feel part of a larger community. I realized the only way to get things going was to try to do it myself. I reached out to the Bi+ Pride Milwaukee page in 2018, and it took off from there.”

Bi+ Pride Milwaukee

Together, Sarah and Amy joined other passionate local activists to form a dedicated steering committee. Bi+ Pride MKE hosted a series of regular monthly events that brought people together from across the region. Within two years, their online community grew from 100 to 700 followers. Although the pandemic stalled their social schedule, and planning virtual events proved more difficult than expected, Bi+ Pride MKE is committed to their community.

“We know how important a sense of belonging is for bi+ people, and we hope to make that happen again soon,” said Amy. “We’re enjoying this rare moment for reflection.”

There’s no LGBTQ without the B – so let's take this opportunity to understand the current state of bisexuality in Milwaukee.

OnMilwaukee: What are some of the challenges for bisexual people to find themselves and each other in Milwaukee?

Sarah: If you google “bisexual Milwaukee,” Bi+ Pride MKE is pretty much it! Even if you go to the LGBT Center’s website and search “bisexual,” you will only find one program. (Ed. note: The Center is only doing virtual programming right now, so this doesn’t include the discussion group run before COVID.) When people are looking for community, they want to engage with people who have some understanding of their experience. The first instinct for many LGBTQ folks is to check out the local LGBT center, so I think it’s especially important for centers to offer programming.

Amy: We were starting to turn a corner, with so many wonderful bi+ folks coming out, joining our group and being more willing to get involved with the community. We started a discussion group at the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center, and we were seeing growing attendance at our events. We started a private Facebook group for people who wanted community but needed more discretion. And then the pandemic hit! In early summer, we heard from an intern at the LGBT Center who wanted to start a new program, but we haven’t heard from them in months. Hopefully, they will get something off the ground soon.

Milwaukee has seen bi-first organizations come and go in the past. Why do you think it’s so hard to activate the local bisexual community?

Amy: I don’t think Milwaukee is unique. It’s a real challenge due to bisexual erasure and a lack of bisexual visibility. We are the majority of the LGBTQ population – an estimated 52% of all LGBTQ people. However, we don’t always feel welcome at queer events. When we are not visible, it makes it difficult to make and sustain connections. Thankfully, this is changing as more people come out as bi+ and there is more media representation of bisexuality. Anytime a bisexual person comes out, it is a major form of activism, as only 28% of us do so.

Sarah: What she said! There’s also an issue of bi+ people having to come out over and over again, sometimes to the same people. It’s like a relationship-based memory loss. Every time I’ve been with a man, people forget that I’m not straight. Every time I’ve been with a woman, people forget I’m not gay. Every time I’ve been with a nonbinary person, people forget that genders outside the binary do exist. People make so many assumptions about who you are based on the gender they think your partner is. It can be easier, in some cases safer, to let people believe their assumptions and only be your full authentic self with your nearest friends and family. But that eats away at your heart and your sense of self.

Amy: I have been out – and in and out again – for the past 45 years!

What is bisexual erasure, and how does it harm voice and visibility?

Amy: Bi erasure is when our legitimacy is questioned, and our existence is denied. It manifests when people make assumptions about our sexuality. It stems from an either/or thinking and a rigid mindset about binary sexuality. The nonsense that we must “choose a side.” Really? Says who? This stigma causes real, serious physical and emotional consequences for the bi+ community. Just imagine being told you don’t really exist or can’t exist. How would that affect you emotionally? Bisexual people see higher rates of depression and mental health issues, because erasure makes them less visible, less likely to come out and less likely to get the health and wellbeing services they need. It is hard to raise your voice, when your very existence is being questioned, and sadly this is something too many bisexuals contend with daily.

Sarah: I think it’s a pretty common experience for LGBTQ people to have a nostalgic connection to representation that we now recognize as problematic, because otherwise you’re just erased with no representation at all. I remember Alyssa in "Chasing Amy" having to constantly defend her identity. I remember Willow being written as, in her words, "gay now" when she fell for a woman. I think the first time I heard a media character actually say the word "bisexual" was the movie "Velvet Goldmine" – and it was said multiple times by multiple characters! A revelation!

According to a recent research study, more people know lesbian, gay or transgender people than a bisexual person. Why is it difficult for people to come out and be understood as bisexual?

Amy: I cannot count the number of times I’ve come out to someone, only to have them tell me, “You can’t be bisexual, you’ve been married for years!” Thank you, virtual stranger, you know me better than I know myself! It’s a constant battle.

Sarah: There’s an insidious trope that bisexual women are actually straight girls who want attention, bisexual men are actually gay and just afraid to come out and bisexual enbies don’t exist at all! It all comes down to misogyny: the idea that what everyone really wants is sex with men, and that if you are attracted to men, then your relationships with women and nonbinary folks are not “real.” It unfortunately leads to hypersexualizing bisexual people read by society as women and hyper-stigmatizing bisexual people read by society as men.

Amy: I do want to make it clear that bisexuality is not binary. It includes genderqueer, trans and non-binary people as well as “men” and “women.” But there’s always this question about whether it is easier for men or women to come out as bi+, and it’s a deep one, because it addresses the disparity of male and female sexuality. Female/femme bisexuals seem to always be defined by the male gaze, which is neither good nor healthy. Females/femme bisexuals do not have an easier time coming out or identifying as bisexual. In fact, they suffer a very high level of sexual violence because they are hypersexualized. Male/masc bisexuals are viewed as “really gay” or “not full ready to come out as gay.” This is very damaging and discouraging to bisexual men. In general, you cannot identify a bisexual or pansexual person by their partners or lack of a partner. Sexuality exists on its own.

Sarah: Being publicly and, somewhat, loudly out has shown me how prevalent bisexuality is in society. I’ve gotten Facebook messages from law enforcement officers who are closeted at work because the culture is too toxic to be safely out. I’ve had people whisper to me on the bus, “I like your pin, I’m bi too.” I’ve had baristas loudly exclaim they’re bi when they see my pride flag. While we might be the "least out" of the LGBT community, I think we’re hungrier for connection, for understanding and for community. I’d like to see the conversation reframed from “why is it so hard for bisexuals to come out and commit” to “what is it about our society and community that makes bisexuals feel like they aren’t able to be safely out in these spaces?”

What are some bisexual myths you’d like to explode?

Amy: There are so many damaging misconceptions out there – too many for one article to address! But here are the ones I wish would end forever.

"Bisexuality is a phase before someone comes out as lesbian or gay." While sexuality is fluid, and can change a great deal over a lifetime, being bi+ is a core truth. We have the capacity to feel attraction to people of multiple genders. While we may choose a life partner, we never not to be bisexual because that is not a possibility. It takes a great deal of strength and courage to come out as bi+, so if someone tells you that they are, believe them.

Sarah: This myth actively discourages people from being out, because it tells them that they don’t even know who they are. I like to say my only “phase” was not correcting people when they thought I was straight.

Amy: "Everyone is just a little bisexual, but women are more bisexual than men." Wrong. Just so wrong. There is no question that there are people who are romantically and sexually attracted to just one gender and have no interest in other genders. That is a scientifically verifiable fact. While it is clear that more younger folks are identifying as bisexual, as our culture becomes more accepting and welcoming, that does not mean everyone is bisexual.

"One cannot be bisexual if they have not been in a relationship with a man and a woman." False! A person does not have to be romantically or sexually active with anyone to identify as bisexual. They can be asexual, they can be celibate, they may just not have dated anyone yet. That does not change their identity. We do not owe anyone our romantic history to “prove” we are bisexual.

"Bisexuals are cheaters." Absolutely not. Bisexual people are no more likely to cheat than anyone else. Being bisexual has nothing to do with how you date someone, or what kind of relationships you prefer.

Sarah: I’ve never met a single person who cheated whose cheating had anything to do with their sexual identity.

Amy: "Bisexuals are transphobic." Very much no! The bisexual community has always included trans, non-binary and genderqueer human beings, as we see commonalities based on the fluidity of sexual and gender identity.

"Bisexuals aren’t as oppressed as gay men and lesbians because they have heterosexual privilege." First of all, it is never a privilege not to be seen and accepted for exactly who you are. We definitely struggle to be visible in the LGBTQ community and are often made to feel as though we are not queer enough to belong.

Sarah: Each part of the LGBTQ community has oppressions specific to their experience, and oppressions that overlap. The same people who cling to the myth of heterosexual privilege turn around and blame bisexuals for not being “out enough.”

What does the future hold for Bi+ Pride MKE and bisexuals in Milwaukee?

Amy: If you told me 40-plus years ago that more and more people would be coming out as bisexual and that society would be more accepting of queer people in my lifetime, I would have been very skeptical. I grew up during some very dark days for LGBTQ people. However, it has happened, and it is happening! We are seeing more bisexual representation in media. We are seeing more bisexual organizations popping up nationally and internationally. The more who feel safe and secure coming out, the more we will become a large and thriving force to be reckoned with. I have to be positive just because there is still so much to do. Being out and open is a form of activism. It makes a world of difference. We need to elevate and celebrate each other.

Sarah: I hope the future holds a continued expansion of how we understand attraction, gender and relationships. I think they’re all connected: As we expand our understanding of the universe of gender experiences, our understanding of sexuality will hopefully expand along with it.

Amy: To someone who is questioning their identity today, I say trust yourself. You are vibrant. You are valid. You are queer enough. You have a community. Join us! You will feel in your heart who you are and don’t let anyone else tell you differently. Seek out other bi+ folks when you can, look for any organization that can provide support, and know we want to see you and welcome you.

In the Midwest, there is BOPP (Biversity Madison, hosted by OutReach LGBT Community Center) and BQAC (Bisexual Queer Alliance Chicago).

Sarah: Trust yourself! You are queer enough. It’s okay for your identity to be a moving target. It’s okay to explore and try labels on, even if you aren’t positive if they’re 100 percent right. What works for someone else might feel all wrong for you and that’s OK. Our understandings of our sexuality, gender and place in the world may change over time. They may be constantly changing. It’s not your job to know who you are immediately. After 36 years, I’m still learning who I am, changing and reimagining who I will be. That’s one of the things I love most about the bi+ community: We try to cultivate spaces where if your understanding of yourself changes, that’s fine and great!

#bisexuality #bisexual community #lgbtq community #lgbtq #bi #support bisexuality #bisexuality is valid #lgbtq pride #pride #bi tumblr #bisexual #bi pride #bisexual nation #bisexual pride #bisexual education #bisexual youth #bisexual men #support bisexual people #respect bisexual people #bisexual rights #bisexual women #biplusus #bi+ #biphobic gay people #biphobic #biphopia #proudly bisexual #proud bisexual #bisexual and proud #milwaukee

[silvershoe]

re: your last rb about bi women, i’ve recently come to terms that i’m bi after thinking i was a lesbian for the longest time simply because of all the internalized hatred/disgust at myself for liking men and at men in general to an extent (until i realized that lesbianism isn’t defined by hatred/disgust towards men but attraction towards women) but it’s still so hard for me to come to terms with it?? especially because whenever i tell someone i’m bi or make a comment about a guy i find attractive it’s always assumed that like. my attraction to women comes second to that of men’s and that men will always be my first choice, that women are just a convenient option if i’m ever “bored” or something like that. and while i do see myself more readily with a man (that may just be internalized homophobia, unfortunately, that i still have to relearn), the idea of being with a straight man who can’t understand the complicated relationship i have with my sexuality is enough to scare me away from any relationships. like it took me so long to get to this point so to have that all invalidated in the event of dating a guy… idk. sorry for basically venting in your inbox, i’m just glad someone understands how i feel ;;;

don't apologize!! i really do want to open up the floor for people going through similar shit to feel like they can talk about it on my little blog <3

i guess i went through a kind of similar thing, thought i was a lesbian for a while before coming to terms with my attraction to men. part of it was realizing the label felt constricting, and even though i couldn't really picture myself with a man at the time i was questioning myself (definitely a result of a similar feeling of disgust/hatred aimed at myself; it felt obvious to like women and afab people but less safe to like cis men), i knew i wasn't solely interested in women. part of what helped me in the questioning period was dropping labels as a whole. all i knew was that i was queer on some level but i didn't feel the need to specify what "kind" of queer. i was comfortable with this lack of labelling for most of high school, and even now i don't really feel the need to stick with one label. my identifying as bi feels very fluid and i'm not exactly attached to it, it feels more like an easy explanation when it comes up in certain contexts if that makes sense. i'm a firm believer in sexuality as an ever changing, fluid part of living, at least for myself. once i started thinking of my sexuality in this way i really think it alleviated a lot of the stress i associated with "choosing" a label, which feels very much like an external pressure to me.

unfortunately the assumption that men will always be the preferred choice isn't going to change. the best advice i can give you is to learn how to not give a shit and know yourself, understand that it's okay to be more attracted to men; that doesn't and will never invalidate your attraction to women. the people in your life who really want to understand you and care for your wellbeing won't put pressure on you to explain yourself.

i'm dating a cis guy right now as someone who identifies as both bisexual and genderqueer (tentatively, i feel similarly about labelling in application to gender). i've had to accept that he won't ever fully understand my relationship with my sexuality or my gender, and there are things i won't understand about his experiences either. that's just something that comes with relationships in general. you have to be comfortable knowing you won't understand things you don't have experience with, but you can be empathetic, and you can listen to them if they're willing to talk about it, and vice versa. i promise you there are men out there who are emotionally mature enough to understand this balance, which i really think is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.

to respond to your fear of feeling invalidated by being with a cis guy - i get it. and i won't lie and say i haven't felt this way, because i have. and it's difficult because it's not because of anything my bf has said or done, it's purely a result of him existing as a cis man, and he can't change that lol. what's really helped me is realizing that my attraction to men as a bi person is a different experience than, for example, a straight woman's attraction to men. that differentiation is really comforting and validating for me, because it reminds me that i am queer, which is something to be proud of. and of course i am aware that i'm reaping the societal benefits of being in a straight-passing relationship, something that i try to keep in mind, and something that i think all straight-passing couples should be aware of. seriously, as someone who's only been in visibly queer relationships before this, it's a whole new world to exist in public spaces with you're s/o when he's a dude.

anyway, this was a lot longer than intended, but i hope i maybe spoke to some of what you mentioned. and i mean this in the kindest way possible; don't worry so much. take a breath. things will come with time, and you'll be okay. xoxo

#asks #sorry this took me a second to respond to #hope anon sees this <3 #anon

[hnnyoongs]

akai shuichi headcanons

shuichi wears a beanie all the time because he's self conscious about hir hairline .... and I mean who can blame him? id be too

shuichi saw gin when he was visiting Japan in the 10 years ago flashback and was like ooh long hair is cool AND it'll piss ka-san off flash forward 5 years later when shuichi infiltrates the BO and is like fUck cool long hair dude is a psycho

shuichi cut his hair off when he heard akemi was killed by gin he kinda went into the whole mental breakdown mode and was like fuck this shit because he started growing his hair out cuz of gin and also akemi really liked his long hair

shuichi used to be a band kid when he lived in England and wanted to pursue a career in music (much to the chagrin of Mary) but after tsutomu disappeared he was like fuck that and stopped playing until he entered the BO

shuichi has a really bad memory about things that dont have to do anything with his job kinda like BBC's Sherlock but not as bad

shuichi used to find dead bodies when he was a kid just like shinichi but it wasn't as often maybe like a dead body once a year or something

shuichi named himself dai because that's what Mary actually wanted to name him when she was giving birth she was screaming die die die and tsutomu wasn't there yet so she was like aight die sounds like the japanese name dai the only reason shuichi wasn't named that was that tsutomu burst in and was like FUCK NO

shuichi was picked on when training for the FBI since compared to 6 foot jock white men shuichi was a 5 foot 7 asian with long hair and dressed like a teenage girl who frequented Starbucks in the toxic environment of the FBI for anyone who doesnt fit the mold shuichi had it cut out for him

shuichi showed signs of multiple mental illnesses but they were all difficult to pin down so he was never diagnosed with anything since he refused to talk at the FBI mandated therapy sessions

shuichi's type is someone who is kind but could wield a gun

he used to dislike kids but being around them as okiya has made SOME kids special in his heart

before tsutomu's disspeareance he taught shuichi how to hunt with a shotgun

shuichi lived off of sports drinks and bars whenever he was single since he couldn't rely on take out due to it being unhealthy which wouldn't help his FBI styled life

shuichi taught akemi simple self defense techniques but refuses to teach her how to shoot a gun saying he didn't want her hands to get dirty

shuichi and shukichi blackmail each other for favors by using the "ill tell ka-san you did that one thing that you blamed dad for when we were kids if u dont help me out"

scotch once told him that bourbon's type was a white milf (in reference to Elena who was white and was a mother) so shuichi was scared as fuck when rei met Mary's adult self for the first time

shuichi hates being compared to his mother but the truth is they're the most similar and they both started mimicking tsutomu after his disappearance

the only thing shuichi knew how to cook before meeting yukiko was plain white rice as that was the only thing tsutomu was able to teach him

shuichi mimics an American accent while talking in America or talking in English unless he's talking to his family or he's mentally shook up and his British accent slips out

he thinks in British accented English as well (idc if the animanga shows him thinking in japanese it makes no sense that western raised people like Jodie and camel think in japanese) but he does use some japanese like ka-san and when he's trying to get deep into his okiya persona

he tries very hard to keep the polite speech patterns of okiya Subaru since as akai shuichi he's very .. rude

shuichi's sniper skills were so good the fbi was willing to overlook his disrespect of authority and his tendency to do everything by himself without consulting everyone

shuichi slips into a British accent around James if he's feeling really comfortable

he felt bad about using shiho since she was only a year older than masumi and she hadn't done anything wrong so he vowed to get her and akemi out of the BO

he had a plan to get akemi and shiho out by convincing the higher ups to grant them immunity if they testified but akemi's death derailed the entire thing

he hates to admit it but his family is the most important thing to him he may not contact them that often but he's going to such lengths to bring his father back because he cares for his family so much

shuichi didnt really know what he wanted to do with his life once he took down his father's pursuers but after akemi and scotch he decided that if he solved his father's disappearance first he'd hunt down the BO next tho once learning that Haneda Koji’s death had something to do with the BO he's back at the thing where he doesn't know what to do with his life without revenge

he promised shukichi that he'd be the one to solve shukichi's death if what happened to Haneda kohji also happens to shukichi

he isn't a fan of dates in amusement parks but if it makes his partner happy and smile he'll have fun

dating Jodie was a quiet thing most likely from an attachment maybe due to a bad case or a loss of a mutual friend depending on the agency they might have been legally allowed to date each other but it is usually looked down upon I dont think they went out together often probably spending time together at home ... doing stuff

he identifies as bisexual it was normal to him in childhood since both Mary and tsutomu talked about their past relationships to their children he never told anyone due to the fact it would affect his FBI status since it was illegal in America shukichi and Mary know he's bi but shuichi has no idea Mary knows

akemi and shuichi would take strolls in parks go shopping and go to cafes

he's very self conscious about his height and whenever he goes to Japan it makes him feel good about himself since he's relatively tall there

Mary was the one who drilled japanese into his head not tsutomu

the last time shuichi talked to Mary was when he called her up to tell her to take masumi and leave Japan for Britain after masumi cornered him and scotch him and Mary had a whole argument and after that they stopped talking to each other, not that they talked to each other much in the first place

shuichi learned jee kun do by watching training videos from vhs tapes/cds/YouTube depending on when you consider detco taking place I personally believe conan shrinks in 2018 meaning that tsutomu disappeared in 2001 and shuichi used a mixture of tapes and cds to learn

shuichi can read people really well but has a hard time manipulating people by being nice he can use people by being a jackass very well but trying to be a normal person is hard for him

Yukiko and yusaku remind shuichi of his parents before tsutomu disappeared but like more upbeat

shuichi dislikes full body hugs

akemi and shiho were both anime and romance drama fans so he knows random things about the shows and uses that info to connect with the DB and especially haibara

he considered himself British first and foremost but when asked about whether he considers himself white or asian he'll always go with asian

he started smoking soon after his father disappeared since his father used to smoke and he needed to cope but didn't wanna fall into drugs like cocaine

smoking is heavily looked down upon in America and is seen as unprofessional which helped shuichi go undercover a bunch due to him being a heavy smoker

akemi would make him stop smoking around her and shiho saying that second hand smoking was dangerous and that shuichi who was smoking constantly was going to get lung cancer but he would tell her that he just couldn't stop smoking he did stop smoking around shiho and akemi tho going outside to do it instead

as okiya it makes him go wild because he desperately needs to smoke to cope but okiya cant smoke it doesnt fit his image so he smokes a shit ton at night during his nightly drives

shuichi forced himself not to smoke during his time visiting Japan when he met masumi because he knew Mary would get even more upset with him

shuichi was terrible driving American styled cars and he got so upset that he perfected his drive-in techiuque over the years just to spite the instructor that said he was barely passing

he likes to go on late night drives and speed on the high way because he's a thrill seeking idiot

he has no social media but he created on as okiya Subaru to keep an eye on haibara's higo stan account

he takes offense to the idea that he's stalking haibara he's just p r o t e c t i n g her

he wants shiho to be happy more than anything so he's an avid coai shipper and is exhausted in Conan's obliviousness

shuichi didnt tell shukichi he wasn't actually dead shukichi just walked up to okiya Subaru one day and was like shuuichi-ni-san right? shuichi has long stopped questioning shukichi's weird ways of knowing shit he shouldn't know

shuichi is a sherlockian but he's not like shinichi or hakuba in that he does not hate BBC's Sherlock and actually enjoys it a bit

one upside to shuichi living in America is that he gets to hoard guns because he's obsessed with them he thinks they're really cool it's like conan with Sherlock he starts yapping his mouth of about them

bourbon once dangled a gun on in front of a sleeping shuichi cuz he didnt believe scotch when he said that rye was obsessed with guns and started saying incorrect shit about the type of gun he was holding and shuichi just shot up and started berating him

shuichi hates that chianti is a killer because she's the only person who's as much as a gun fanatic as he is

he tends to steal Jodie's car a lot

he likes fucking with peoples heads it's very fun to him to watch them get all worked up

shuichi hasn't mourned his father yet because he doesnt believe his father’s dead

deep down he blames his father for his mother going slightly bonkers

he didnt want masumi to be a detective at first but now hes proud of her

he drinks a lot as okiya Subaru since he cant smoke as much

he's willing to go to hell if it means he can rip gin from limp to limp

he really hates gin yall I dont think I can convey how much he hates gin

#akai shuichi #akai shuuichi #dcmk #detco #case closed #detective conan #gin #chianti #miyano akemi #miyano shiho #haibara ai #sera masumi #akai tsutomu #akai family #akai mary #mary akai #haneda shukichi #sera mary #mary sera #okiya subaru #jodie starling #kudo yusaku #kudo yukiko #kudo shinichi #coai #detective boys #amuro tooru #furuya rei #morofushi hiromitsu #scotch

[aroaceconfessions]

would it make sense for someone to think they were ace for five-ish years and turn out to be allo instead? i was around 13 or 14 when i first started identifying with ace, but i don’t know anymore. i still don’t really understand sexual attraction, but i think i might have felt something like it? does sexual attraction really mean you just… see someone and want to do things of that nature with them?? because i didn’t feel that, but i don’t know what else i could have felt since it wasn’t platonic and i’m pretty sure it wasn’t romantic either (i started questioning earlier this year if im aro too and that’s just like another crab in the bucket hhhhhh) i’m just aaaaaa :((

like when allo people first discover their sexuality… how does that even work? i see a lot of people figure out they’re at least not straight when they’re 12-14, so they experience some form of attraction right. to grossly simplify it, let’s say the process is like: experience attraction to whoever -> find name for it -> go on their merry way. it’s hard for me to articulate my thoughts properly on this because even i’m struggling to piece them together, but i think it boils down to ‘well what if i’m not ace and/or aro at all and i’m just a late bloomer and going through That stage right now?’

i think what i’m trying to say is that, from most of what i have seen, when people discover their sexuality at that age, they don’t immediately question ace and/or aro, they just experience an attraction and think ‘okay so i’m gay, lesbian, bi, omni, pan, etc.’ so like… i can’t help but wonder how my journey and difficulties in identifying myself would have been different if i’d never known about aromanticism and asexuality. like, what if/am i just a late blooming bisexual? if i didn’t know about aros and aces, would i have just started ID’ing as bisexual upon feeling the vague attraction that i did?

and it makes me wonder why i even put so much thought into aspec identities in relation to myself if in another world i might have just thought i was bisexual, plain and simple. but then i also feel like i don’t *really* fit in with allo experiences at all. except the kicker is i don’t think i actually know what those are???? (how often do allos experience attraction? is it normal to be this age and to have never had a crush? where is the line between allo and aspec? yes i’ve never experienced romo attraction and im legally now an adult but maybe i just haven’t met someone i like??1??/? and i know that’s a stupid line of thought because that doesn’t make sense when applied to any orientation but like hmfnnghfhgbg?? what is the threshold for the amount of people i have seen in my life before i can say it’s unusual to have not been romantically and/or sexually interested in any of them at all?)

questioning really does just mean perpetual confusion 😭

#questioning #asexual #ace

[k-s-morgan]

This may be too personal so please feel free to not answer it if it’s too much or tell me to bugger off . I’ve been struggling sexually for a while and I’m pretty sure I’m asexual , I just don’t feel the urge to sleep with anyone , even if I’m attracted to them . I remeber you saying you’re asexual so I was jsut wondering how did you know you were? I’m still young (19) and I get told it’s just a phase and it’ll pass so what made you sure that you definitely were and it wasn’t a phase ? Have you always knew ?

Do you want kids in the future ? I kind of do but I don’t want to sleep with anyone but if I want kids , does that mean I’m not asexual ? Sorry if I’m bombarding you or being too nosy .

Hello! I’m glad you sent this ask - it took me ages to find a term that describes me, and I’ll be happy if I can help even one other person!

Asexuality means a lack of sexual attraction to anyone. You mentioned you do feel attraction, so it’s important to figure out what it is, exactly. Is it sexual in nature, meaning that you look at a person and want to have sex/do sex-related stuff with them? Or maybe it’s aesthetic attraction, meaning that you find some people aesthetically pleasing, very beautiful, etc.? From what you describe, it might be the latter. If so, then yes, you might be asexual. You might also be graysexual: it means you can experience sexual attraction, but very rarely; you might feel uncertain about what you experience; you might feel alienated from the idea of sex, etc. 

There is also such thing as low libido. It’s not related to one’s sexuality: asexuals can have a high libido, wanting to have sex. Straight, bi, or gay people can have a low libido, so they might feel attraction, but they don’t really feel like acting on it. 

You can find a definition that describes you best and makes you feel comfortable; you can change your mind later. That’s perfectly all right. Wanting kids is also something not related to sexuality at all: people of all sexualities can want/not want to have them.

In my case: for a long time, I was confused because I felt aesthetic attraction. It made me think that I’m bisexual, and I identified as such. But even when I admired a person’s beauty, it was more like admiring a painting. I felt no desire to do anything sexual with them (or anything romantic since I’m also aromantic). When I read about asexuality, something finally clicked, and I was thrilled with understanding who I am. I never doubted that it’s not a phase since I found my label after 20 and I knew at that point that I’m just not attracted to people, neither romantically nor sexually.

I don’t want to have children because I’d be a bad Mom. I’m obsessive and overprotective, so my child would be miserable. I also don’t feel financially secure to meet all their needs, so my future will include cats and pigeons only :D 

As for “this is a phase:” I’m sorry you’re hearing this bullshit. In my experience, people remain ignorant no matter what. I turned 27 last month: I’ve never dated anyone. I never felt romantic or sexual interest to anyone. I had my first kiss + sex out of curiosity when I was 22, and it didn’t change anything in me - it was just a weird activity. But my friends and most of my relatives still say stuff like, “Oh, honey, you just haven’t met the right person yet! Have you tried therapy? I hope this year, you’ll find the love of your life! Would you like me to set you up with my friend?” My Mom tried to explain to her co-workers why I don’t plan on getting married, and they all refuse to accept that asexuality exists. They think I must be hiding some trauma. This is extremely offensive and infuriating. 

Sexuality is never a phase, it’s a part of who you are. I try to make people around me understand it, but they just blink at me in confusion. I ask heterosexual folks, “Why are you so sure you are straight? Maybe you just haven’t find the right man/woman.” When my aunt wished me to find a partner for the 100th time, I waited for her birthday and wished her to become a surgeon (she never had any relation or interest in medicine). She seemed to understand something, but a few months later, we were back to where we started. 

I hope you figure out what label fits you most, but even if you keep changing them, as long as you’re comfortable with who you are, it’s fine! Many people dislike labels in general; I felt pleased when I found one, but we all have different experiences. Don’t push yourself into something you don’t want or don’t like. If you want kids, there are many ways to have them without having sex with anyone. Even if others don’t respect your sexuality/preferences, respect them yourself and I think (and hope) that you’ll be happy!  

#personal #asexuality

[happysadyoyo]

tbh after the transmisogyny-explained blocklist fiasco I do think the homophobic slant to terfs and tirfs kinkshaming people who are attracted to men is on purpose. that that was never truly accidental.

It's a natural progression from second wave feminism, which is where radfem ideology has its roots.

Basically, lesbianism at the time became more than a label/identity for sexuality and not necessarily fitting into the confines of womanhood dictated by society (and mind you, this is a very Western perspective. I'm looking at this through the lens of the US American Civil Rights Movement and Stonewall, etc).

Any woman who wanted to cut ties from men could call themselves a political lesbian, and the (justifiable!) anger towards patriarchy started this whole lesbian separatist movement, where women would do everything in their power to be socially and economically free of men.

Interestingly enough, a lot of this coincided with bisexuality becoming more and more widely known as a label. Bisexuality has been around since the '20s as a word, but bi/ace/pan/gnc/trans masc folks could and would identify under the lesbian umbrella at the time.

Which, double side note, makes it very interesting to read about historical figures. Their gender and sexual identities weren't as "clear cut" as we expect them to be today! There were fewer words at the time. It must've been so freeing in a way, if aggravating to find people with more similar experiences.

Anyway, fast forward to like 2011-2014 when I first joined the internet and the lesbian separatist movement was still alive and well with many of the same tenets. Don't interact with men, don't interact with women who date men (sometimes even to the extreme of cutting out wlw who had experiences with men in the past, let alone bi women), etc. It was to the point where you'd see them alter the spelling of "women" to cut men out entirely.

Trans women weren't really talked about, but I imagine if/when they did come up, it was basically TERF rhetoric but not fully fleshed out like it is today.

So all of that has led to the logical progression of TERF/radfem ideology being something that, well, hates men. And unfortunately it's bled over a lot into other leftist circles.

Men are an easy target because after all, men represent the patriarchy. And it's easy to paint them all as bad, ignoring the intersections that are even loosely talked about in women's issues, be it color, mental/physical illness, etc. And because men represent the patriarchy and can and are all labelled as "bad" in some way, it's easy to feel shame for having an attraction to men.

For people who grew up in those circles, or hell, people like me who grew up conservative but felt Wrong in some way, that shame is all too easy to internalize.

No one is really safe from the shame. Straight women in conservative cultures still experience the same fear that women generally have in public spaces, even if they repress it. There can be closeted people who experience fear or shame, be they gay or trans or generally not fitting into the roles that they're expected to grow into. And then it continues into feminist spaces, and finally you end up with people like TERFs and radfems and lesbian separatists that just openly hate men and masculinity.

Wow that got away from me there. Hopefully there's not too many typos. But, yeah. I guess I have feelings on this topic lol. That's why I keep talking about men needing the space to talk about their issues.

Cause like, isn't it super weird that we expect men to overcome toxic masculinity and open up about their emotions and struggles, but we never give them space to, en masse? Idk, I think that's pretty weird.

[writterings]

Hi I appreciate this is a personal question so if you’re not comfortable answering there is absolutely no pressure to, but how did you know you were a trans guy and not a butch lesbian? Because I’m having a bit of an identity crisis atm and I’m finding it hard to find resources etc to help me. I hope you’re having a pleasant day/evening/night

well first i figured out that i wasn't a lesbian to begin with. i genuinely was attracted to men, but i didn't really acknowledge that aspect of myself because loving women felt more radical to me and, tbh, i was also afraid of men at that point in my life for trauma reasons. also i had been raised catholic and so loving girls when i was a girl was just so liberating to me and felt so good. but i was still attracted to men and getting a crush on a dude helped me first realize i wasn't a lesbian. this is obviously just my experience, of course, and isn't universal.

and of course, there can be GNC/butch bi women - but this next part is what really cinched it to me.

when i had a crush on that guy i mentioned, he actually had assumed i was a trans guy/non-binary but trans masc leaning. and he was gay, so he was only attracted to me if i was a man/man-aligned. we didn't know each other that well so there was so there was a lot of miscommunication on each of our parts about my gender and his sexuality. but him seeing me as a guy and me liking that he was attracted to me as a guy -- well, just opened up a whole new world of gender euphoria. i had never conceptualized myself as a guy before and having someone else view me as such without me telling them explicitly how i wanted to be viewed?? that was gender euphoria to the max. again, not everyone's experience, but that was mine.

after that, i started experimenting more. changed my identity to "nb trans masc bisexual" or smth along those lines. it probably switched per week and i probably even went back to butch lesbian at times just because it felt right. (this guy and i never dated, and i wasn't dating anyone else at the time so i had a bit more freedom in switch my labels without people being like "if you're a lesbian why are you dating a guy??") eventually my mom "accused" me of being a trans guy (she wasn't accepting at first but now is very supportive) and pointed out all the obvious "facts" towards it and i was like "oh fuck i guess i'm a trans guy, huh"

("facts" here being stereotypes and the assumption that just because an AFAB person dresses masculine that they're trans, but that's besides the point)

but even after that, i still struggled with whether i was actually a butch lesbian/bi woman or a trans man. this is mainly because in my relative case, being a butch lesbian would have been easier as my parents at the time would have preferred me being GNC & gay but cis (or nb but not open about it), instead of outright trans. (again this is in my relative case, and is not a statement that reflects everyone's reality nor how systemic oppression works)

right now i'm happy as a trans man and i think this is the label that describes my experiences the best and it's the label i prefer. i'll probably die with this label, though the one for my sexuality often changes.

SO basically i just said all this to kinda give you an idea of how fucky gender can be, especially with the added equation of figuring out your sexuality. as a society, we often associate loving women with being a man, and loving men with being a woman, so we always have to deconstruct these internalized aspects of ourselves whenever figuring something out like this. or, at least, that's how i feel about it as i only realized i was a man when another man i wanted to love recognized me as one, shattering the internalized idea (that i wasn't even aware of) i had that if i loved a man, that it made me a woman. so, basically, if you're struggling then i recommend analyzing your sexuality a bit too and your concepts of how love/sex relates to gender for you.

also, if i'm honest, a good way start to determining your gender is just finding out what label is the easiest for you to exist in. i identified as a butch lesbian for a long time because it was the easiest for me to identify as, and because it felt better than anything i knew before. when i realized i wasn't a butch lesbian, and even after i realized i was a trans guy, i still didn't give people a label if they asked me. it wasn't their business and i was ultimately unsure. it was easier that way to identify unaligned or as another gender, despite how it wasn't reflective of how i actually felt. and that's a valid experience in itself!

but after you are finally to a point in which you don't have to care about "easy" over "happiness" then i recommend trying to discover what gender/label makes you the happiest. being a trans man has been hard and the opposite of easy, especially in the early years when it came to my parents and me acknowledging my gender dysphoria, but it is what makes me the happiest. being a butch lesbian was a great experience for me, and i have a lot of love for that version of myself. however, being a man is a whole other level for me - to the point where every moment ISN'T euphoric. it's just normal, it's just right, it's just who i am. i no longer get excited when being gendered or seen as a man - just because it's normal. the happiness of it is just now a regular part of my life. whereas when i was a a butch lesbian, i was constantly aware of how happy my presentation made me feel - or how unhappy i was still being seen as a woman.

at the end of the day, you don't need a label unless you want one. you're allowed to just exist however you are. you can even use multiple labels, mess with typical ones, or even make stuff up. there's no rules to this shit.

anyways, again, these are all just my experiences and my life. my advice may not be applicable towards you, but i still hope there was something you could glean out of it. good luck on everything!

[alirhi]

How I'd have done TFATWS pt 1

Okay, I am such a whore for positive attention that, yes, it literally only takes one person expressing interest to get me to do something lol. So, for the lovely @goblin-tea, here is how The Falcon and the Winter Soldier would have gone for Bucky if I'd been a writer on the show!

Also, shoutout to @gunshou, who popped up showing support when I was in the middle of writing this lol 😘

Episode 1: New World Order

I actually love how most of this episode was handled; it's what drew me into the show in the first place, and gave me such hope for the rest of it. Most of the changes that I'd make here are pretty minor, tbh.

I'd specify the setting in some way for Bucky's nightmare. Obviously, since he was there and knows what happened, when, and where he was, it wouldn't be like the setting changes in movies where they slap a big, bold title card over the scene. Still, I'd probably open with a brief establishing shot showing the city skyline or something; some identifying feature so that viewers can work out where this happened without needing a direct statement from Marvel (note: if you need to directly address your audience to clarify something from within your story, you're a bad storyteller). What year did this take place? I show technology from the time; perhaps a dated cell phone in someone's hand. The point is to establish where and when The Winter Soldier killed RJ Nakajima, without detracting from the emotional impact of the scene. Why does it matter? Because we should know why. Why is Bucky dreaming about this particular incident? Was it his last mission before the events of CA:TWS (a theory I see frequently repeated but with no evidence to back it up)? Was it earlier on? Is RJ only on the forefront of Bucky's mind because of his (unhealthy, but we'll get to that) friendship with Yori? How long has Yori been suffering under the weight of his grief?

I would not have had him crash through the wall, btw. As cool as that shot looked, let's try to remember that The Winter Soldier was a ghost story for 70 years. Ghosts don't leave giant gaping holes in hotel walls. I'm not saying brazen wholesale destruction is out of character for him (obviously not. I've seen CA:TWS lmao. many times. this moment lives rent-free in my brain:

found on google without credit; pls lmk if it's yours so I can credit.

but you don't become a "ghost story" if you always leave that much evidence, ijs)

I'd leave the terrible therapy session alone. That scene was beautiful. Beautifully shot; I loved how claustrophobic it felt, and it really did a wonderful job of showing how Bucky felt on the spot, scrutinized, almost put on display for this bitch woman. This scene establishes Raynor as clearly wrong, and an unprofessional mess, and Bucky calls her out on it. I fucking love that!

lmao gods, I love his painfully awkward forced smile... Guys, this episode is fkn great. (betcha weren't expecting so much praise from me, were you? 😂)

"You're free." "To do what?"

👆👆👆 In my show? That would have more of an impact on Bucky's arc. That question would be one of the underlying issues moving his whole story along. Twice in this show, he's told that he's free, but no one addresses what he's free from, much less what he's free to do next.

It's a minor thing, but when Yori tells Bucky to ask Leah out? I'd have Bucky do more than just shake his head in silent horror. Not much more, just something that matters to me as someone who's worked in the service industry for many, many years and dealt with too many creepos: Bucky would flat-out say "she's at work! that's harassment, Yori!"

Yori can still stomp right past that boundary, and Leah can still smile and agree. I just really want someone to verbally acknowledge that you don't fucking ask someone out when they're at work. Ever. Bucky cringing and apologizing puts the power of the conversation back in Leah's hands; it gives her an out to politely decline if she's not interested, and just laugh off Yori's flirting on Bucky's behalf as a senile old man being silly, so I'm actually fine with how this scene turned out. I just would personally have gone that extra inch there for the idiots in the audience who don't get Bucky's subtle "wtf" reaction and why Yori's suggestion was so bad. If someone's livelihood depends on being nice to you, keep your goddamn distance. Flirting with them or asking them out when they're at that big of a disadvantage and have virtually no power to say "no" is harassment.

Here is where I'd make one more subtle change, too. When Yori sees the mochi and is reminded of his son, and tells Bucky about his death, I'd just slip in a time frame. "x years ago, my son was..." blah. (Guys, it really bothers me not knowing when that scene took place rofl can you tell?)

One complaint I've seen a lot online about this show is how it's a bit murky on just how well known Bucky is in-universe. He can walk around Brooklyn with more or less total anonymity, but he's also recognized as "an Avenger" (when he was never actually technically in the group)... but honestly? I think it's actually pretty realistic. Just because someone's famous doesn't mean every single person on the planet knows who they are and what they look like well enough to instantly recognize them on the street. People look different in photos than in person, and pre-Blip, Bucky had the complete Jesus look - long flowing hair and a full beard. In TFATWS he's a little scruffy, but not this:

Sebastian looks like about 10 different men from one moment to the next just irl with a change in haircut, lighting, expression, whether or not he got enough sleep the night before... 😂 I don't really find it hard to believe that people not expecting to bump into an Avenger would have trouble seeing Bucky post-haircut as anything other than just another attractive white guy.

Anyway! Sorry for the segue lol. On to the date!

Earlier in this very same goddamn episode, it is established that Bucky can remotely operate a car with a tablet. This is not a technologically-inept geezer. This is a 30-something nerd who loves new technology, who, yes, is facing a brave new world and a whole lot of new technology, but has never shown any issue picking it up. The crappy flip phone he handed Raynor earlier? a burner to keep her out of what little personal life he does have (we never see it again in the real show, anyway). The "tiger photos" line? Stays, not to show Bucky's floundering ineptitude with technology, but as a little nod to his bisexuality. (don't like it? don't wanna see Bucky as bi? go watch the show and read Skogland's borderline-offensive interviews. This isn't "how I would pander to a homophobic audience" it's "how I would have written it." the "Bucky is bi" interpretation is super fucking common and has been since TFA so bite me 😁)

Tiny nitpick, but I'd also have the Battleship boards actually set up properly lmao. What even was that? Anyway...

I don't think I'd have Leah get all ranty about Yori and RJ. That's not first date talk, for one thing. For another, let's ease up on the beating Bucky and the audience over the head with that one incident in a single episode, shall we? Instead, I'd have her stick with the date questions - she asked his age, asked about his family; I'd have her follow it with questions about what he does for a living (giving us a chance to not only actually have that question answered for us - how the hell does Bucky keep himself from being homeless? lol - but also set up...)

He shuts down a little when she starts asking about his past; she's innocently curious, just trying to get to know him, but he's flinchy and deflects with questions about her. The date is awkward, but doesn't abruptly end with him running away lol. He walks Leah home, like the old-fashioned gentleman he is, goes home, himself, and end on him grimacing in his sleep, in the clutches of another nightmare: not as much detail as the RJ murder scene, we see disjointed, disorienting images of fluorescent lights glinting off of machinery, the occasional shot of Bucky writhing in the chair, a shot of that damned notebook (to remind the dumber audience members why Raynor's passive-aggressive notebook thing was so triggering for him), and we hear echoes of a couple of the trigger words, and Bucky's screams.

#tfatws #tfatws critical #how it should have gone #if i'd written it #bucky deserved better #bucky was a victim #victim not villain #take your victim blaming bullshit and fucking choke on it #episode 1

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze hide for fun

a lot of these are just stupid headcanons but a lot are also how i feel that’s just the way he is so

I know no one will read this it’s so very long but hello he’s my comfort character

(the words are under the cut bc THERE ARE SO MANY WORDS)

thoughts: It’s funny because most of the characters that I really love are just fucking idiots. So stupid. No thoughts head empty. And like at first glance you’d think the same with Hide, he’s got the look of a real dumbass, but he’s actually a really smart person? He just kind of, hides it. He did say he was like allergic to books once (it’s the adhd, king) but that doesn’t change the fact that he emotionally is actually a very intelligent person. It’s something he’s humble about because I don’t believe he really identifies with the intellectual crowd or sees himself as particularly above average, he just finds it easy to understand things. And he doesn’t ever use it for his own advantage even when it would be totally fine to do so, he pretty much always uses it to help other people and I think he believes if he used his strengths to help himself it would be, like, selfish. Which is a problem of his.

gemder n brand of gay: A lot of people in yonder Fandom like to see kaneki as bi and hide as gay but nah fam you’re off. Honestly I do not care about his Date With Rize in the slightest, that man is a homosexual. Hide is the bi one. (it’s not like this is a requirement or anything lmao i am just Saying also i’m bi and i’m projecting) I can also say with confidence that date with Rize was the only date Kaneki’s ever been on and he was definitely lying to himself. (i just, don’t know how you could look at Haise specifically and for one second think he has ever seen a boob) Hide’s the one who’s probably dated people before and he actually knows what’s attractive, he probably just doesn’t discuss that a lot with Kaneki since the bitch is Closeted and hide knows this. It’s funny because Hide canonically has two dads. Like I think that kind of explains him tbh. Bitch has good parents??? He’s the only one but we love him for it. U know Kaneki spent more of his life at Hide’s house than his own.

And as to gender, like obviously hide’s a guy, but i think he’s one of the few cisgenders who could like... tell you why. He’s well versed in those kinds of issues and has just thought about it a lot I guess? He’s comfortable in his skin and with a conventionally masculine appearance but he could tell you what Boy TM means other than yo macho man dude bro guy

personality type- ENFP-T: I took the fucking test for him and it was like... so easy. Took me ten minutes. 

basically what this means is it just calls him out as a fucken loud ass sunshine boy who has very many emotion and cares way too much about his friend

love how this part of the description describes kaneki and hide perfectly

biggest strength: he’s so good at helping people?? Like I can honestly say if some random person started rambling about their relationship issues to him I’d give him 10 minutes before he had a perfect solution, he had the person crying and being comforted in just the right way. He’s the perfect medium of confident and caring and he’s not just a fucking ray of sunshine on accident, he’s like, mob psycho 100 style actively working to be nice and compassionate. He’s very aware of how his actions affect people and he always knows just the right thing to say, what to do, when to just let things go or when to say them. And Hide will forgive, literally anything, even if someone does something really shitty to him he’ll realize it’s the product of like, unresolved mental issues or something and seek to fix it instead of cutting the person off. It’s... really good for everyone around him. But well,,, not great for him, see below.

biggest weakness: bitch does nOT leave room for himself. Although he is generally a confident person and isn’t very insecure, he knows he’s giving too much of himself and simply ‘pretend i do not see it but in reality i do’. He’s never put himself first and feels more worthy when he makes someone else happy, and it’s really not that visible but it can take a pretty big toll on him. He’ll feel anger and frustration for his problems but eventually he will end up blaming himself for anything that goes wrong and will just resolve to Try Harder. (which, mood) He does problem solve well and he tries to come up with the best solutions to issues but the fact is he just does not prioritize his own happiness within those solutions. He gives too much and it’s fucking killing him.

what he likes most about himself: Although he does have issues obviously, I don’t see Hide as someone who has particularly low esteem of himself. I think he pretty much thinks he has himself figured out and therefore other people’s problems come first. He generally does, think fondly of himself, because most of the time he can fix people’s problems so he’s yknow, a good person. I think he likes his ability to enjoy life and live in the moment, and he likes his connections and friendships with other people. He values emotional connection and he likes that he can easily create and enjoy good vibes. He loves being the one who everyone just... goes to for a good time.

favorite things: I think I heard somewhere that he enjoys dumb american bands without really understanding what they’re saying which seems very on brand for him, but I’m gonna perscribe him some other stuff too. Obviously he likes bright colors and comic books, and places where he can have fun with other people. He generally likes college, even though it’s like, school, and unlike kaneki he actually had a good childhood and he enjoys the places he spent time and formed good memories, he has Nostalgia TM (see unbelievable by owl city hmmm he vibes to that he was born in 1996 or something right i can’t google things) he also just really likes to just, fix other people’s problems but we’ve covered that. 

what he’s doing right and what he’s doing wrong: Hide is doing his best. He’s no less flawed than any of the other characters in tokyo ghoul, it’s just that his strategies tend to involve 100% less murder. Ok no, let me rephrase that, Hide is flawed, but i meant like emotionally, he’s not a war criminal like everyone else. He may seem at first glance like, just, perfect? Sorry for being a simp lmao but I feel like from the outside he’s just got it all together right? He knows what he’s doing and he’s super nice and helpful and smart and humble and just doesn’t have any visible flaws? He... tends to hide any evidence that he would ever be struggling. And that’s not very sexy of him. He feels it would be a burden on others to show pain or ever say he can’t take something on (if someone asked him to do something he’d do it even if he was already mentally at capacity etc) and that’s something he needs to work on. The good thing is that if they got to a point where after Kaneki’s Character Development they got to just... like, be happy and not be separated and everything Kaneki would be good for him because he compliments that. Hide helps him because he needs a lot of like, mental counseling lmao but now that Kaneki’s gone through a lot of that his eyes have been opened more to the fact that Hide hides his problems from Kaneki so if they could just bE HAPPY this is an issue that could be resolved

insecurities: I think Hide kind of believes he’s not allowed to be sad. Cause it’s like, not his job. He’s the source of happiness for everyone else, supposed to have everything together so he can fix everyone else’s problems. he’s not allowed to be in pain or feel bad for himself even though he knows “Boys Can Cry” it’s like, yes boys can cry, not me tho haha lmao it’s not about his masculinity it’s just he’s like “yeah but kaneki’s had it worse” so like if he finds himself in a bad place, he feels inadequate and like... fundametally broken. and it’s. Like. I felt that but also like king that’s not how it works

goal in life: I think he wouldn’t really be able to answer that question. What the truth would be is that he probably wants to do something grand and important that helps a lot of people and kind of changes the world. But he might not really think of it that way, since he’s usually focused more on smaller more isolated issues and he has no idea what he wants to do as a career. He admires activists and people who put themselves at risk but it probably makes him feel inferior that someone else is Doing Something About This Big Problem and he’s just sitting there riding around on his bisexual bike and being in college. (I’d like to say he’s probably changed majors at least a few times,,, that man was like “oh yeah lmao i’m gonna be a comic book artist” but someone said something about how he’s a good therapist and he’s like “brb kinshift i am now a psychology major” lmao.) (hello i am projecting but i’m right) He sees a tumblr post about some issue somewhere and he hyperfixates on it for days until he sees another post about something worse it’s an issue. But I think what he ended up doing was what he wanted to, even if he never recieved any recognition for it the internal sense that he was doing something Right TM in the eyes of history would probably make him cry

how he was raised: I can’t really say much to this because there’s barely any canon on this and the canon that does exist I have completely ignored other than the fact that he has two dads. Bro tbh? He didn’t need any tragic emo backstory I think he had a great childhood. Honestly he’s probably a rich kid. Not super rich but he’s not struggling man. Not gonna lie to you I think the only reason he went to Kamii was because he wanted to be at the same college as Kaneki who probably got a scholarship. Hide, didn’t. (it’s not like he’s not intelligent but I don’t really think that his grades are his biggest priority, the only time he ever pays attention in class is to give kaneki the answers when he’s gone) 

What irks me about the random lore drop in the last chapter about him having a CCG dad that died or whatever- it kind of ruins the whole point for me. Personally I choose to believe he had nothing whatsoever to do with ghouls or the ccg before all that happened to Kaneki. He probably had correct opinions on them, but only like, in theory, it’s like straight people that are like “yeah ofc gay ppl valid” but they’ve never really had any personal experience with any. So when he gets involved in that- the fact is that the only reason he was... was bc of kaneki. It was never more complicated than that to me. YKNOW, SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST, NICE, OK? 

And I think for me that the fact that he could actively choose to be nice and be aware of all these problems when he’s practically got every advantage in life is a lot more important. He didn’t have to be poor or have a dead parent or have a shitty childhood for him to be really genuinely good. I don’t think he’s ever been bullied or anything, but he can still be aware that it sucks to be bullied. I think he was just... raised right. I think his dads are probably pretty fucking baller for him to be such a bro. They taught him the right shit.

General philosophy: Hide is one of the only people in the series for whom the dynamics of right and wrong are not hard to understand. He’s never been required to pick up a weapon or actually truly fight in the CCG, he’s never been really mean to anyone. Of course I can say he’s probably decked a few ppl that made fun of Kaneki in middle school, but haven’t we all. The thing is that though he’s never suffered at the hands of others, everything that’s hurt him he’s gone in fully consenting to it- he can still understand and forgive what everyone else has done. Like bro he’s the literal only one around who’s not like a literal war criminal, but he’s not going to think he’s better because of it, because he understands that if he had been in their circumstances he couldn’t say how he would have turned out. 

That’s why I think it’s so important that he never really had a bad childhood- he’s not better than them for turning out without any blood on his hands, because he was never required to. And he knows that and he goes through every day with all these people who have and is conscious of it. He can’t ever say he’s incapable of hurting other people, because he would have said that about Kaneki before all of it happened. So he’s quite politically correct compared to Kaneki and the others but he doesn’t see things that way.

relationship bullshit: i mean bro i know this is a serious post about like psychological and emotional things but i felt the need to discuss whY does everyone write hide as a bottom I mean like sure he’d bottom if his partner was a top but this is simply not the case with kaneki look at him. Hide. Service top. I rest my case. The man’s the biggest switch ever but when he’s a top he’s a nice top. I think Kaneki needs that to be perfectly honest. He really likes to take care of people. Also kind of off topic but his love language is quality time he just wants to play video games wit da homies and he might fall in love a bit

I find it genuinely funny how much i cannot get away from the tentacle porn on the god forsaken archive of our own just looking at the tags i already know it’s so out of character haitoheoihesdsdsa and don’t get me started on the vore

how kaneki sees him vs how he actually is: One of the biggest problems in kaneki and hide’s relationship is how in the beginning, Kaneki didn’t really understand at all that Hide could be hiding anything from him. Kaneki’s not good at picking up clues like that in general, but the fact that he was hiding so much himself didn’t help at all. Hide gives off the vibe of someone who has no inhibitions and shows every side of himself without hesitation, and Kaneki really does idolize that. He didn’t realize that Hide could possibly be suffering or imperfect compared to his vision. He sees Hide as practically an angel, and that’s exactly how Hide wants Kaneki to see him, because he doesn’t want to burden Kaneki with his own problems since he believes they’re not as important and they would make Kaneki sad. Kaneki knew Hide wasn’t as oblivious as he seemed, but he didn’t really understand what that meant until too late. The good thing about Kaneki’s character development though is that it then helps Kaneki understand that Hide was suffering because of him and he didn’t want Hide to hide it anymore (lmao). If they’d only executed that point well that could have been really good but well that’s what fanfic is for

how he sees kaneki vs how kaneki actually is: This one’s a lot more difficult, because well. Hide’s very good at knowing exactly how people are in their hearts, compared to Kaneki. But there are definitely some things that he’s not super up on. He wasn’t around for a lot of Kaneki’s development, so most of the time I think he still believes Kaneki doesn’t want to see his pain, which is, simply incorrect, Kaneki would obviously not be happy to hear it but it would tear him up inside to realize he’s been oblivious to it the whole time. He’s grown a lot more mature since he spent most of his time with Hide, and I really think Hide could benefit from being able to open up to Kaneki the way he is now. And well. I think his biggest misconception has to be that Kaneki enjoyed women lmao

the most him thing i’ve ever done: listening to a happy upbeat song and visibly bopping while also uncontrollably sobbing

miscellaneous headcanons: 

-he’s a morning person lmao. Motherfucker gets up at 6 AM and Kaneki is like PL EA SE NO

-what he finds attractive is like. twinks and girls with hair in colors that don’t exist and ppl who don’t know what gender is

-He likes Imagine Dragons lmao you can see by the next point

-his coping mechanisms are mostly music and other people tbh he’s like “oh i am having emotions? disgusting” *goes to a party*

-he plays dnd and he mains a warlock i don’t make the rules

-he doesn’t look like someone who would do that shit but he probably knows how to use tarot cards

-idk how but that motherfucker is so neurodivergent i can smell the hyperempathy on him look at that man he has so much adhd

-he’s fully aware that his fashion sense is terrible and continues to wear more and more ridiculous clothes to piss kaneki off

-this man has tungle dot fuck. Look at him. His url is probably something along the lines of my ao3 username lmao

-he can see the forbidden shrimp colors smh

-this bitch likes mob psycho 100 and the promised neverland, kaneki keeps telling him to watch death note and he’s just like n   o hhsdfhhfdshdfshdfs he probably kins tpn emma

-he doesn’t know how to drive lmao he bikes everywhere and he lives in tokyo

-i am once again thinking about how he was in a play with kaneki and kaneki was the main character and he was the spicy side character that’s not a headcanon just. that

songs that are, him: 

-Stand By You (Rachel Platten)

-Luck (American Authors)

-Love (Imagine Dragons)

-If I Lose Myself (One Republic)

-Stardust (New Politics)

-Secrets (also one republic)

-Flaws (Bastille)

-100 Bad Days (AJR)

-I Lived (another one republic lmao)

-Battle Scars (Paradise Fears)

-Rise Up (Imagine Dragons)

yeah he definitely listens to this shit lmao

#tokyo ghoul #hideyoshi nagachika #hidekane #kanehide #jesus christ i am hyperfixated #rowan's hyperfixation essays

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

#gloomth and circumstance #this is definitely not required reading! #i just felt like rambling for a very long time about my feelings and my blog #w bonus blog trivia at the bottom that amuses me and probably no one else

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Here's a shortlist of those who realized that I — a cis woman who'd identified as heterosexual for decades of life — was in fact actually bi, long before I realized it myself recently: my sister, all my friends, my boyfriend, and the TikTok algorithm.

On TikTok, the relationship between user and algorithm is uniquely (even sometimes uncannily) intimate. An app which seemingly contains as many multitudes of life experiences and niche communities as there are people in the world, we all start in the lowest common denominator of TikTok. Straight TikTok (as it's popularly dubbed) initially bombards your For You Page with the silly pet videos and viral teen dances that folks who don't use TikTok like to condescendingly reduce it to.

Quickly, though, TikTok begins reading your soul like some sort of divine digital oracle, prying open layers of your being never before known to your own conscious mind. The more you use it, the more tailored its content becomes to your deepest specificities, to the point where you get stuff that's so relatable that it can feel like a personal attack (in the best way) or (more dangerously) even a harmful trigger from lifelong traumas.

For example: I don't know what dark magic (read: privacy violations) immediately clued TikTok into the fact that I was half-Brazilian, but within days of first using it, Straight TikTok gave way to at first Portuguese-speaking then broader Latin TikTok. Feeling oddly seen (being white-passing and mostly American-raised, my Brazilian identity isn't often validated), I was liberal with the likes, knowing that engagement was the surefire way to go deeper down this identity-affirming corner of the social app.

TikTok made lots of assumptions from there, throwing me right down the boundless, beautiful, and oddest multiplicities of Alt TikTok, a counter to Straight TikTok's milquetoast mainstreamness.

Home to a wide spectrum of marginalized groups, I was giving out likes on my FYP like Oprah, smashing that heart button on every type of video: from TikTokers with disabilities, Black and Indigenous creators, political activists, body-stigma-busting fat women, and every glittering shade of the LGBTQ cornucopia. The faves were genuine, but also a way to support and help offset what I knew about the discriminatory biases in TikTok's algorithm.

My diverse range of likes started to get more specific by the minute, though. I wasn't just on general Black TikTok anymore, but Alt Cottagecore Middle-Class Black Girl TikTok (an actual label one creator gave her page's vibes). Then it was Queer Latina Roller Skating Girl TikTok, Women With Non-Hyperactive ADHD TikTok, and then a double whammy of Women Loving Women (WLW) TikTok alternating between beautiful lesbian couples and baby bisexuals.

Looking back at my history of likes, the transition from queer “ally” to “salivating simp” is almost imperceptible.

There was no one precise "aha" moment. I started getting "put a finger down" challenges that wouldn't reveal what you were putting a finger down for until the end. Then, 9-fingers deep (winkwink), I'd be congratulated for being 100% bisexual. Somewhere along the path of getting served multiple WLW Disney cosplays in a single day and even dom lesbian KinkTok roleplay — or whatever the fuck Bisexual Pirate TikTok is — deductive reasoning kind of spoke for itself.

But I will never forget the one video that was such a heat-seeking missile of a targeted attack that I was moved to finally text it to my group chat of WLW friends with a, "Wait, am I bi?" To which the overwhelming consensus was, "Magic 8 Ball says, 'Highly Likely.'"

Serendipitously posted during Pride Month, the video shows a girl shaking her head at the caption above her head, calling out confused and/or closeted queers who say shit like, "I think everyone is a LITTLE bisexual," to the tune of "Closer" by The Chainsmokers. When the lyrics land on the word "you," she points straight at the screen — at me — her finger and inquisitive look piercing my hopelessly bisexual soul like Cupid's goddamn arrow.

Oh no, the voice inside my head said, I have just been mercilessly perceived.

As someone who had, in fact, done feminist studies at a tiny liberal arts college with a gender gap of about 70 percent women, I'd of course dabbled. I've always been quick to bring up the Kinsey scale, to champion a true spectrum of sexuality, and to even declare (on multiple occasions) that I was, "straight, but would totally fuck that girl!"

Oh no, the voice inside my head returned, I've literally just been using extra words to say I was bi.

After consulting the expertise of my WLW friend group (whose mere existence, in retrospect, also should've clued me in on the flashing neon pink, purple, and blue flag of my raging bisexuality), I ran to my boyfriend to inform him of the "news."

"Yeah, baby, I know. We all know," he said kindly.

"How?!" I demanded.

Well for one, he pointed out, every time we came across a video of a hot girl while scrolling TikTok together, I'd without fail watch the whole way through, often more than once, regardless of content. (Apparently, straight girls do not tend to do this?) For another, I always breathlessly pointed out when we'd pass by a woman I found beautiful, often finding a way to send a compliment her way. ("I'm just a flirt!" I used to rationalize with a hand wave, "Obvs, I'm not actually sexually attracted to them!") Then, I guess, there were the TED Talk-like rants I'd subject him to about the thinly veiled queer relationship in Adventure Time between Princess Bubblegum and Marcelyne the Vampire Queen — which the cowards at Cartoon Network forced creators to keep as subtext!

And, well, when you lay it all out like that...

But my TikTok-fueled bisexual awakening might actually speak less to the omnipotence of the app's algorithm, and more to how heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

Sure, TikTok bombarded me with the thirst traps of my exact type of domineering masc lady queers, who reduced me to a puddle of drool I could no longer deny. But I also recalled a pivotal moment in college when I briefly questioned my heterosexuality, only to have a lesbian friend roll her eyes and chastise me for being one of those straight girls who leads Actual Queer Women on. I figured she must know better. So I never pursued any of my lady crushes in college, which meant I never experimented much sexually, which made me conclude that I couldn't call myself bisexual if I'd never had actual sex with a woman. I also didn't really enjoy lesbian porn much, though the fact that I'd often find myself fixating on the woman during heterosexual porn should've clued me into that probably coming more from how mainstream lesbian porn is designed for straight men.

The ubiquity of heterormativity, even when unwittingly perpetrated by members of the queer community, is such an effective self-sustaining cycle. Aside from being met with queer-gating (something I've since learned bi folks often experience), I had a hard time identifying my attraction to women as genuine attraction, simply because it felt different to how I was attracted to men.

Heteronormativity is truly one helluva drug.

So much of women's sexuality — of my sexuality — can feel defined by that carnivorous kind of validation you get from men. I met no societal resistance in fully embodying and exploring my desire for men, either (which, to be clear, was and is insatiable slut levels of wanting that peen.) But in retrospect, I wonder how many men I slept with not because I was truly attracted to them, but because I got off on how much they wanted me.

My attraction to women comes with a different texture of eroticism. With women (and bare with a baby bi, here), the attraction feels more shared, more mutual, more tender rather than possessive. It's no less raw or hot or all-consuming, don't get me wrong. But for me at least, it comes more from a place of equality rather than just power play. I love the way women seem to see right through me, to know me, without us really needing to say a word.

I am still, as it turns out, a sexual submissive through-and-through, regardless of what gender my would-be partner is. But, ignorantly and unknowingly, I'd been limiting my concept of who could embody dominant sexual personas to cis men. But when TikTok sent me down that glorious rabbit hole of masc women (who know exactly what they're doing, btw), I realized my attraction was not to men, but a certain type of masculinity. It didn't matter which body or genitalia that presentation came with.

There is something about TikTok that feels particularly suited to these journeys of sexual self-discovery and, in the case of women loving women, I don't think it's just the prescient algorithm. The short-form video format lends itself to lightning bolt-like jolts of soul-bearing nakedness, with the POV camera angles bucking conventions of the male gaze, which entrenches the language of film and TV in heterosexual male desire.

In fairness to me, I'm far from the only one who missed their inner gay for a long time — only to have her pop out like a queer jack-in-the-box throughout a near year-long quarantine that led many of us to join TikTok. There was the baby bi mom, and scores of others who no longer had to publicly perform their heterosexuality during lockdown — only to realize that, hey, maybe I'm not heterosexual at all?

Flooded with video after video affirming my suspicions, reflecting my exact experiences as they happened to others, the change in my sexual identity was so normalized on TikTok that I didn't even feel like I needed to formally "come out." I thought this safe home I'd found to foster my baby bisexuality online would extend into the real world.

But I was in for a rude awakening.

Testing out my bisexuality on other platforms, casually referring to it on Twitter, posting pictures of myself decked out in a rainbow skate outfit (which I bought before realizing I was queer), I received nothing but unquestioning support and validation. Eventually, I realized I should probably let some members of my family know before they learned through one of these posts, though.

Daunted by the idea of trying to tell my Latina Catholic mother and Swiss Army veteran father (who's had a crass running joke about me being a "lesbian" ever since I first declared myself a feminist at age 12), I chose the sibling closest to me. Seeing as how gender studies was one of her majors in college too, I thought it was a shoo-in. I sent an off-handed, joke-y but serious, "btw I'm bi now!" text, believing that's all that would be needed to receive the same nonchalant acceptance I found online.

It was not.

I didn't receive a response for two days. Hurt and panicked by what was potentially my first mild experience of homophobia, I called them out. They responded by insisting we need to have a phone call for such "serious" conversations. As I calmly tried to express my hurt on said call, I was told my text had been enough to make this sibling worry about my mental wellbeing. They said I should be more understanding of why it'd be hard for them to (and I'm paraphrasing) "think you were one way for twenty-eight years" before having to contend with me deciding I was now "something else."

But I wasn't "something else," I tried to explain, voice shaking. I hadn't knowingly been deceiving or hiding this part of me. I'd simply discovered a more appropriate label. But it was like we were speaking different languages. Other family members were more accepting, thankfully. There are many ways I'm exceptionally lucky, my IRL environment as supportive as Baby Bi TikTok. Namely, I'm in a loving relationship with a man who never once mistook any of it as a threat, instead giving me all the space in the world to understand this new facet of my sexuality.

I don't have it all figured out yet. But at least when someone asks if I listen to Girl in Red on social media, I know to answer with a resounding, "Yes," even though I've never listened to a single one of her songs. And for now, that's enough.

#tiktok #queer education #bisexual education #queer nation #bisexual nation #bisexuality #lgbtq community #bi #lgbtq #support bisexuality #bisexuality is valid #lgbtq pride #bi tumblr #pride #bi pride #bisexual #bisexual community #support bisexual #bisexual women #bisexual people #bisexual youth #bisexual activist #coming out bisexual #bicurious #bicuriosity #bi positivity #bisexual info #bi+