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justjstuff · 3 years

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I just wanted to let you know that I am a ginormous fan of DOF and looked forward to Fire Friday every week! Your writing skills are astounding and I’m so thankful for your incredible depiction of Sakura’s bad-ass personality and story in this fic. Not only that, I am amazed at all the consistently LARGE contribution you used to upload weekly because the quality is literally off the charts. I’m so thankful that you’re taking a break because I know that accomplishing all of this as well as you do cannot be easy! Nonetheless, I would like for you to know that you have a huge fan in me and I will continue to look forward to new chapters (whenever they may come-excellence takes time 😉). Really though, I can’t stop gushing about this fic and I guess just thank you for all of the hard work you put in it so people like me can get some free serotonin each time we read it lol. You’re amazing!!

Anon-san, your sweet words give me life, thank you so so much. I've had a lot of people tell me how much the weekly updates were grounding and a breath of fresh air in this pandemilovato but your comment has to be one of the best I've got so far because.... oh man, I desperately need not only others but also myself to realise just how taxing it was.

So yeah, thank you for loving my story but also thank you for reminding myself that it was a HUGE accomplishment and that it's okay if I maybe can't meet it anymore. I've recently begun digging deep into myself and started going to more intensive (and intrusive) therapy and had some diagnosis that are pretty mindblowing in a way and now I'm trying to be mindful not to push myself to my limits. It's hard af, let me tell you, I know the potential I have and it feels normal to always want to achieve it but I gotta remind myself that maybe my "full potential" isn't as healthy as I thought it was.

I'm extremely glad that I got the opportunity to give y'all that experience of nice 8-12k long chapters a week, with lots of character and plot work, at roughly the same time, every Fire Friday. *aggressively throws serotonin everywhere I can •̀.̫•́✧*

(pagebreak bc y'all didn't sign up for hugeass posts in your dash lol)

For a bit of an update on how my process is coming along: I got sick. Covid got me y'all and I still only had the first dose and suffer from asthma so daaamn this motherfucker's got hands. No need to worry about me tho!! My tests are coming back okay and at least my fever is gone BUT that means my brain is a bit like mush rn and while I'm still working, I'm doing so veeery much slower. Anyways, covid was just the cherry on top this month but I don't want to get too deep into it.

I genuinely think Fire Fridays were good not only for you guys (esp during that time back in 2020 where literally everyone was at home and routines were thrown out the window faster than you can say defenestration) but also for me, it gave me a nice sense of "normal" when everything was shit. Uuhh as you've seen in my last AN, I dropped out of college and am currently pursuing other dreams/way of living so I think having that set date will help me A LOT while juggling real life and fandom life. That being said, some things had to change.

First of all is the way of seeing Fire Fridays as if it's a deadline set by my boss. Nah, I don't get paid for writing fanfiction and I'm done treating it as a job. I know not a lot of people have the same care that you did while commenting and there is a lot of nagging and grumbling about Fire Fridays (even if sometimes those comments are even sweet while they do it) but I'm incredibly proud to say that comments from people in the internet I don't know hardly have an affect on me. Lol y'all haters can hate but I'm my worse critic and I fkn know it, nothing you say will change the way I see myself and my work. That being said, a lot of that nagging was being unconsciously done by me *gasp* I know. I'm an overachiever. Shocking.

NO MORE OF THAT.

Next order of business is how I was going about Fire Fridays. My first break came because I literally didn't have any "spare chapters" meaning, I wrote, edited, sent for my Beta to edit, and then edited myself again a whole ass 9k monster every week and that shit was like a kick to the ass right into the general direction of Burnout City. Not fun. So I took a "break" which wasn't really a break because I still wrote 71k words in that month and when I started back up with Fire Fridays, I had a lot of chapters to post, right? WRONG. If each chapter had 10k words (which is roughly what was happening on an average), that meant I only had 7 new chapters to post with severe burnout making it practically impossible for me to write anything else to the point that I couldn't even bring myself to edit the first drafts of those chapters. Again. Not fun.

So now, my idea has been: try to aim for Fire Fridays in a healthy way but also let my readers know they might not get another batch of those lovely what? six months of new chapters every friday. What does that mean? Well, it means I'm trying to write some chapters ahead! So while y'all aren't really getting anything since the last chapter, that has been a conscious decision on my part not to leave y'all with horrible cliffhangers when I can't be sure I'll make quick enough updates (and that definition has changed to maybe twice a month? We'll see). I'm writing. It's going fairly slowly by my standards but since I've come really close to giving up on DoF in favour of RL original content, I'm proud of it.

YOU're amazing, Anon-san. Thank you so much for reaching out, I hope you have a lovely end of the week and that you and your loved ones are safe and happy as can be in late stage capitalism <3

#ask #answered #anonymous #me #personal #daughter of fire #DoF #kakasaku #pandemilovato #keeping up with J #I will never get tired of sweet people #sweet people are sweet #see I even have a tag for it #<3

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midnight633 · 3 years

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Hiiiii midnight it’s been a while! I’ve been pretty the air at school is pretty chill rn and I haven’t been as stressed as normal! Anyways I just finished reading the haikyuu manga and none of my irl friends are going to read it so I’m DYING to talk to someone about it while it’s still fresh on my mind (also I remember you saying you read the manga but if you didn’t don’t continue reading for spoilers!) well ANYWAYS the nekoma match took YEARS of my life let me tell you and the cage metaphors and tsukki and kuroo’s battle of the blockers it was probably one of my favorite matches. And KENMA at the end actually having fun ahahah I loved loved loved this match.

And then fukorodani’s match with akaashi was hard to read but the “we are the protagonists/stars of the world” made my bokuaka heart go places but akaashi just breaking was so surprising to see and the fact that they don’t even win nationals makes me sooo sad I wanted at least one team I knew to win nations also

AND THEN THE NEXT MATCH HINATAA the day that scene gets animated is the day I combust someone give HINATA a hug he just couldn’t play for w h a t and then they losttt and he was crying alone and coach ukai and takeda were absolute kings in this scene. Buuuuttt we did get to meet the tiny giant and I thkught he’d look real intimidating and scary but he actually seems pretty cool! AND THEN KAGAYAMA unpopular opinion I actually can’t STAND him sometimes he really went I win while hinata is really cryingg and I know it’s for plot but hsjajsjs

The time skip omggg okay yachi saying that date tech went to finals and the Miya twins beat karasuno actually made my heart really happy. I do wish when they were third years they could if won but getting third is also really incredible and YAMAGUCHI WAS CAPTAIN I really need the crew as their years fics. The beach part was so fun to read I loved meeting them new people and OIKAWA I never though hinata and oikawa would get to the point of being good friends but I loved seeing it

AND THEN RHE MATCH BETWEEN HINATA AND KAGEYAMA okay kags backstory was sad but the “one day you’ll okay with someone who is even better then you” and that someone being hinata he finally beat kagayama it makes me sooo happy. Also bokuto making everyone clap for him I love it AND THE NEXT PART WITH OIKAWA ahahshd I don’t even want to know the outcome of the match but I was sooo sad it ended (and is it weird that I want a spinoff with natsu hinata playing volleyball that would be so cool)

I’m so sorry for the long ask it’s just I have NO ONE to talk to about this and you don’t ever have to answer I just like ranting so if you made it this far thank you and have an amazing rest of your day!

@ren-likes-muffins ?!! HOLY SHIT??!! You did it?!

I don't know what's with Tumblr not giving me notifications (also I haven't checked it much) so I'm late at seeing this but I AM SOO HAPPY U READ THE MANGA BECAUSE WE CAN NOW SCREAM AT EACH OTHER! I actually read the manga then went back and rewatched the series and started rereading the manga till the end of nekoma match then a week of exams happened and I became antisocial.

Deep breath

Like I was so pumped up for the nekoma match when I realized that was not yet animated and reading the first few pages of the manga was hard cuz my dumbass brain didn't wanna read right to left and interpret instead went rushing through the panels ( hence the re read to savour the storyline and characters) . But once I got into it the match was soo good? Like Kenma really went I don't care you're my friend I'm gonna tear u from limb to limb and did so calmly? I agree with the cage metaphor when he broke through it I was so giddy and I remember Suguru ( Nohebi's captain) commenting how he didn't like Tsukki's vibes and realising that it was same as Kuroo's and hating them both :)

The Fukorodani's match fed my bokuaka heart and was a precursor to Bokuto's 'im a normal ace' part. The tiny giant was kind of a disappointment but that's life for you.. and the kamomedai match man the battle of the little giants - I was so rooting for Hinata but when he collapsed I didn't get it at first but then it hit me and takeda's talk about taking care of body being a part of volleyball and all made me cry. Also Kenma coming to check up on Hinata? Soft. Heart breaking. Cue waterworks.

Somewhere deep inside I always expected Karasuno to win the nationals but they lost and I wasn't even bothered by it at the end

So.. unpopular opinion I kind of don't like Kageyama? He is always being insensitive and a dick to Hinata and when says I'm going forwards or some shit when Hinata collapses really made me dislike him very much. I don't really think their dynamic is healthy so kagehina became a big no-no for me.

But post time skip I loved that they could settle it and work together as equals. But Brazil?! My god, little Hinata become so accomplished-Ninja Shoyou- and the bit abt Kenma sponsoring him, Oikawa meeting him and becoming friends, seeing all these great high school players in the same team- let me tell you Atsumo and Sakusa on the same team with their competitive vibes with Bokuto - man I laughed like crazy at the Bokuto Beam, its so dorky and utterly him- and Hinata was perfect. Is it weird I want spinoff of the MSBY jackals and their shenanigans? I loved how they showed every ones career and Tsukki still playing 🏐 after saying it's just a game - he must have been more hooked than he let on-

I agree a spin off with natsu playing 🏐 would be soo Cool - going all like but Onichan you can't come to my game then everyone will want your autograph and you'll embarrass me-

I wanted more but with the open ending I can now imagine anything and subsequently my haikyuu brainrot is spreading

I too don't have any irl friends who watch it and I resigned myself to being alone in this but man ranting is so satisfying isn't it?

My haikyuu phase doesn't seem to end soon but it's just that I can't get into the head space for ATLA and I feel so guilty for it, I have so many updates from fics I've subscribed and I can't muster any interest in checking them out.

On another note it's so funny in a show where the only confirmed couples seem to be Tanaka and Kiyoko yet I ship so many of them!? In my mind they are all gay and I ship them. My fav ships are probably- iwaoi, daisuga, BOKUAKA, kuroken, and weirdly enough I was kinda obsessed with sakuhina, atsuhina, oh and sakuatsu. I. Just. Think. They're. Neat.

Oh well this is way too long and if you've read all this you have the patience of a saint and I'm proud of you. If you want let me know your fave ships and other manga bits that caught your attention ( random- but I love that Kita is a rice farmer and supplies for onigiri Miya)

Here is a fanart that I love that reminded me of the ' we are the protoganists of the world'

Byee!! Take care and Have a lovely day! Ily<3

#ask #answered #ren-likes-muffins #haikyuu!!

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chynandri · 5 years

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I’m really going through it today (content: mental health, heavy, long, dimitri, doki doki lit club, marianne, not recommended reading if you struggle deeply with mental health issues)

Characters like Dimitri who hide their mental health issues with a practiced, cheerful facade are feeling pretty relatable rn. One part in why I relate to him and many other characters of the same type is that they can’t bear to have people perceive their ‘weakness’, their ‘real selves’, their real feelings and struggles. and it’s out of some twisted form of kindness or self sacrifice, that devaluing yourself maintains a status quo where others will remain happy. It’s a profound statement about your own self worth, and a counter-intuitive one because people will ultimately be more upset at what you’re doing than happy - even if it maintains a status quo that you consider precious

it really blew my mind when i found out dimitri lost his sense of taste, and has been hiding it from people for years and years. especially when he enthusiastically comments on having dinner with byleth or food. the effort he puts into appearing normal is... sad. someone who is genuinely earnest, but simultaneously untruthful and not upfront about other things - i like to think i totally get what it’s like to be someone like that

i can relate almost perfectly with characters like sayori from doki doki lit club, or a lesser extent marianne, because of these points: it hurts when people care about you. if you didn’t exist, people would be happier. when people care too much, get too close, they’re seeing too much of what’s actually wrong beneath the surface. therefore this status quo will break. and it will feel like all your fault, because you allowed weakness to show through.

and in this process you’re festering a complex within yourself, one where you feel disingenuous and stifled. all your positive traits and accomplishments, that are very much real, feel fake.

Even if people tell me they’d like to listen to me, they’d like to be there for me - I can never fully accept that because they don’t know what they’d be getting into if I truly, wholly depended on them more than I’ve allowed myself to. The amount of hand holding I really want. How I’ll continue worrying and being anxious about the same things over and over. Sure, it’s easy to say ‘I’ll be there for you’ when you haven’t expressed a need for their emotional support that often.

But when it’s frequent? If I gave in to every single helpless moment and asked whoever felt right in the moment for their ear? no one can handle that much emotional expense when they’ve got their own life to sort out. If I gave an unedited, uncensored report of ALL of my issues, all the weird little things and habits I do to maintain this ‘status quo’ - no one could handle that much reality that goes against a functioning person’s common sense. the possibility that the people you care about would not look at you the same way again feels terrifying.

I’ve made several decisions in life so far, trying to shape it in pursuit of some ideal of self-reliance. hoping one day I will no longer burden anyone. no longer cause anyone to worry. be able to handle everything by myself. and in some ways it’s been successful. and in other ways it keeps backfiring on me because I don’t always pursue that ‘ideal’ in a healthy way. therapy costs money but considering how things go next year, i think it’s time i tried it again

while i think i could afford to confide in people more often, i do talk about what i’m going through when i know i’m freaking out to a significant extent. so i guess it hasn’t gotten that extreme in that i *never* express it. it’s still kind of bad tho. and while it gets really easy to turn to suicidal ideation during these times, i find that my resolve to stop indulging in it has been working and it’s easier to push those thoughts out

i always hesitate publishing posts like these that seem too real. but maybe it’ll help to read someone else articulating feelings you couldn’t. maybe it will serve as a reminder that the icons and posts online are provided by uncomfortably real people. and good job on the character writing in three houses and other video games for portraying representations of people that we can relate to, that can be points of reference for trying to figure out ourselves.

#chynas angery feelings #please unfollow or black list the angry feelings tag if it gets too much for you #some people are online for a good time and i get that

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talk-geek-to-me · 4 years

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All the ones you didn't do in the last ask!

So I’m finally getting around to doing this. and you fUCKING HATE ME. This is gonna be hella long. (she asked for all of them)

This is for the WaterColor asks that I posted last night

Zinc White: how are you really feeling today? I’m very tired tbh like all i wanna do today is sleep rn. very tired

Cadmium Yellow: When you think of the word “happy” what's the first thing that comes to mind? ummmmm probably my boyfriend and the very funny moments you and i share

Lemon: What’s your comfort food? Ben and Jerry’s Brownie Batter Core Ice cream. that shit makes me feel better immediately

Hansa Yellow: What’s your guilty pleasure song? honestly idk, but i will tell you the song that I cant get enough of and its All Time Low by Jon Bellion. like i honestly cant get enough of it rn

Yellow Ochre: Name an artist/band whom you just discovered and cant get enough of. right now its the song that I just said in the last ask. but the band? shit ummmmmm, idk but i’ve been listening to anything in my liked playlist from spotify. so it varies

Naples Yellow: where do you feel most at home? uh, i dont really know. I moved to Idaho so i haven’t figured that most yet

Raw Sienna: with whom do you feel most at home? my boyfriend. I miss him so much and I honestly cant wait till i see him next

Golden Ochre: describe the relationship with your closest friend. JESS *insert random thing that im currently screaming about*

Golden Deep: what’s your favorite season? fall, i can wear converse and hoodies and be comfortable

Cadmiun orange: What do you like to do on your days off? i love to do things that have to get done. like today, i did more homework than i thought i was gonna do and cleaned my bathroom. it’s been a good day.

Orange lake: do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad? I listen to music and not do my homework, just focus on me

Titans: do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? tbh i think i prefer slow mornings cause im not a morning person so that gives me time to sleep in

Shaknazaryan Red: are you currently binge watching anything? CRIMINAL MINDS

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)? i think i’m a bit of both

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? not really theres a picture i really like tho. here’s the link! https://www.pinterest.com/pin/46865652355803785/

english red; what animal do you relate to most? honestly, a raven

vermilion; what’s your favorite accent? british, like tom holland and tom hiddleston british

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? ....jess you know. but for those of you who don’t know, its the bad boy type... seriously, bucky barnes, loki, and according to jess its the dark-haired, chiseled features, built af, don’t worry, she made a point, like all the famous people im attracted to... all contain the same things that my boyfriend contains. my boyfriend is dark haired, chiseled features, thicc

scarlet; describe your current crush/es. DARK HAIR, CHISELED FEATURES, BAD BOY TYPE BOYFRIEND

ruby; what does your ideal first date look like? honestly, i dont have one

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like? dont have one

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date? considering i kissed my boyfriend within the first hour of meeting him, sure

rose; what’s something really positive going on in your life right now? im actually keeping up with school rn and im fairly proud of myself

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? sleep

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? windows. so many windows big kitchen, comfortable

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? not really, i’d settle down anywhere as long as im with the man i love

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down? traveling

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to? honestly, i havent been there yet

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it? ummmm, im kinda always in a good mood?

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember? [redacted] [redacted] [redeacted] [redacted] [redacted]

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each? 2 or 3 kids, 2 dogs and hopefully a cat. married to my boyfriend

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could? NO it’s too common, its why i prefer people call me meg or megs. i hate my name.

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent? vanilla

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any? lipton pure leaf raspberry tea, and it has to be cold

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant? literally anything that i could water every once in a while and it still be alive

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog? no, my life is really boring

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives. curves, well built, purple red hair. honestly, im super comfortable with my body

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario? ya know that scene in vampire dairies when Damon is comforting Rose as she’s dying? yea it looks like that

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better? im pretty comfortable with it, just wish my boyfriend was with me

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them? ready? you’re gonna laugh jess, Romania, Ireland, England

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn? so my mom is from Chile, and she’s native in spanish, but im native in english and cant speak a lick of spanish, but i have been doing the duolingo spanish lessons and its like my latina side has woken up, but i cant speak spanish, i can read it and hear it and probably translate it for you

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book? Stalking Jack The Ripper by Kerri Maniscalco

olive green; are you currently reading anything? how do you like it so far? no, im too busy with school and work that i dont have time to read anything and its making me sad. but i always have a book in my backpack just incase

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh? the first Avengers

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself? clean my fucking greasy ass face

umber; have you drank enough water today? nope, thank you for reminding me tho

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent? you, cause you always provide the best advice and make me feel like my emotions matter to you too

sepia; name five things that always make you happy. Superheroes, music, my boyfriend, my friends, and books, etc

indigo; what’s the best/sweetest compliment you have ever received? today, i was sitting in my car ordering my drink from dutch bros and someone told me that they liked my hair even tho he couldnt really see the color of it. But i get a lot of compliments from my boyfriend about my eyes

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic? shit, uhhhh, superhero murderer?

black; post a selfie because you are so beautiful! I’m gonna share with you the one that has my boyfriend going crazy

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shultzing · 6 years

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7/29/2018: did i already say how much of an angel this guy is

8/13/2018: i’m so mad that i’m dating someone so much cuter than me. i never intended for this to happen. my type is usually men who are just above average looking, which I was happy with. now, i have to constantly think about how i look bc I know everyone around us has GOT to be thinking like, wtf is that beautiful man doing w/ that scrubby looking twig in the ancient clothes?? and like... he HAS to know. idc so much if other people are wondering how i got w/ him as long as HE isn’t like... damn, i could be doing so much better... anyways kill me, he is too fucking handsome and this birth control is making my skin break out really bad.

8/22/2018: this whole thing about being in a casual relationship is weird and tbh i’m less and less a fan. maybe i need to grow tf up but like, here’s an example. I’m going to a show friday night that’s literally 5 minutes from his house, and i know he’s free friday, and yet i won’t invite him bc i don’t want to see him there bc i don’t want him to be part of my local music world bc then he’ll mean that much more to me and it will be that much harder to feel and act casual. so that feels shitty. and like, i could totally skip the show and just go hang out w/ him, but I know he’s not planning his life around me, so I don’t want to get myself into a frame of mind where i’m sacrificing my stuff to be w/ him, so i make a point to not plan around him and not cancel plans for him. But getting to a point where i actively don’t want him to come to things w/ me is like some kind of accomplishment but also feels like a battle i don’t want to win? like i’m getting too good at it. at first i was like... struggling w/ it and he could probably tell? esp by how much i texted him and what kinds of texts i sent. but now i’m like, i’ve got a handle on it. i’m good. and it makes me sad. like what is the point of a casual relationship? what’s the point of a relationship you barely care about?

8/26/2018: conflict resolution like bosses >:) i know it’s just a beginning but we didn’t ever even get to a point of real conflict, although we were both approaching the subject at hand from wildly different perspectives and pretty high stakes. no insults or even criticisms, just explaining ourselves, being honest, and both quick to apologize. He definitely gets flustered and then gets a lot less precise about what he’s saying but then he’ll circle back to it when he’s had a minute to process/calm down and can fix whatever he mis-explained previously. It’s good to be back to good.

8/28/2018: first use of a pet name: drunk text -- “Goodnight cutie. Sweet dreams and I’ll talk to you tomorrow <3″

8/31/2018: the way he reacted when i got suddenly skittish/stressed out was a startling moment in a really good way. He stayed so calm/supportive/reassuring. Who knew that was possible?

9/1/2018: i think we’re becoming friends :’) meeting someone on a dating app, everything is backward bc the romance and skin comes before the friendship/knowing the person/etc so whenever we hang out for long enough to have time to get into decently long conversations and learn about each other or fight over whether william carlos williams is a good poet or not... it’s nice, and more special. Like, oh! that’s who you are?

9/8/2018: the way that relationships evolve is strange. like, a couple of weeks ago, just getting a text from M or not getting a text from him could change my mood and ability to focus so much bc everything was so new and uncertain and both exciting and stressful. now it’s okay either way. we’ve been dating for a little more than 2 months and things are getting to be sort of familiar and comfortable and less of a constant heart attack. the newness is still strange, there’s always some surprise. The other night he came over w/ his hair down and I was like ???? since when do you have hair like a young eddie vedder?? what is this?? but he was just like... yeah, that’s how it is right after i shower. i had no idea. it’s nice to literally get to watch someone slowly learn to trust you. he doesn’t act shy but it’s also easy to tell that he always has his walls up, I definitely have never seen them down yet, and that is okay. but the more comfortable he gets, the warmer he gets, and that’s really sweet. i’m frequently surprised by how competent of a person he is. he goes to the gym, he eats healthy, he’s a good boss, he’s a good student, he’s a good dog-parent etc. he asks questions like, “reading anything good lately?” and also corrected me instantly when I said KDC died in 93. he communicates clearly/gently/honestly. i’m getting to know some of his flaws, too. anyways i was out w/ a friend (allison c.) last night and we were talking about how shitty men are. i told her that the reason i’m w/ M is mainly just to get a chance to date someone who seems like he can prove that men can actually be really good. told her a story about how M reacted whenever i was having a bad moment and she was like, “I literally have goosebumps rn.” it was cute. reminded me not to take him for granted while he’s in my life. hope i’m not.

9/11/2018: M’s coming over tomorrow and i can’t waittttt. We try to see each other twice a week but sometimes it doesn’t happen and then it feels like forever. But now it’s less than 24 hours until i can hold his hands and kiss his face and i’m so ready.

9/13/2018: If this relationship is going to stick for a while... i can’t wait for the stage to come where i actually know him well enough that i’m not always overanalyzing/overreacting to every little cue. like there’s so much i don’t know that i can learn little things and be like WAIT WHAT? and get really stressed about it and i can’t wait for that to be over. how long til there’s an underlying level of trust/knowledge/comfort?

9/23/2018: Okay so for the most part this relationship is starting to feel normal. It still doesn’t always feel real just because he is so segregated from the rest of my life. No mutual friends. no school to share, no work to share, no volunteering or show circuit. No one else has met him or even really knows what he looks like bc of a lack of recent pictures. I’m slowly getting more confident and comfortable within it, even though i do still second guess myself a lot more than i usually do. I guess i’m used to being fussed over and spoiled. But this isn’t like that at all. We’re both a) adults and b) busy and c) on opposite sides of the city and he’s still pretty reserved so I know I’m like, low-ish on his priorities list. Like i’m ON the list, but somewhere beneath going to the gym and getting a haircut, and about 10 miles below his dog. It’s fine, it’s only been like 3 months. Less than that. ANYWAY we’ve finally graduated out of the just-casual-relationship category and into the normal relationship category. Or, he said he thought we did a month ago, but I didn’t realize that’s what he was saying. So now I can stop filtering everything I say and do through that ever-present, “is this too serious?” lens and just do what makes sense/comes naturally. or something. I’m super excited about that bc that was getting really tiring and unromantic.

9/30/2018: Uhhh, we went back into a weird “unlabeled” category where like we’re monogamous but nothing else is defined? Which I think is really lame but I also am trying to be patient and not pressure him and stuff. But I still think it’s silly and juvenile and kind of embarrassing. I mean I know he has his reasons and he needs to work through them on his own and at his own pace but for ME, it’s silly. Anyways. Still feels like there’s so much I don’t know about him or how he works or thinks or feels. But he still is always surprising me by just sheer level of sweetness. I feel like that’s always how I walk away, like, idk that guy but he sure has a kind heart.

10/4/2018: Ok the back and forth stalling on what we’re even doing and all the associated casual dynamics have kinda killed the romance for me. like it’s cool and all but i’m done obsessing over the relationship and probably won’t be updating this anymore bc i really don’t care and continuing to write about it is just trying to make it a bigger deal to me than it really is.

10/19/2018: Nearly 4 months in and it’s still such a roller coaster, my perspective, optimism/pessimism and level of happiness change like every 48 hours. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of breaking up because we’re too different or because we overworked the dynamics of our relationship too much. Sometimes i think we’re on the verge of stepping closer because our good days really are good. I’m always surprised by how complicated every little thing is, questioning where my feelings are coming from and whether i’m either getting carried away on good days or paranoid and trust-issues-y on bad days. And there is definitely also a background kind of darkness/heaviness surrounding the fact that the more time goes by, the more i understand that i’m really not even close to being over R. But on Wednesday he and I went to Red Emma’s and then took his dog for a walk and then watched princess bride (both of our favorite childhood movie) and ended up staying up til 5-something in the morning just lying next to each other talking about bullshit. Like it wasn’t staying up all night to work out something serious or anything. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I remember at some point he started trying to recite post malone lyrics and could not stop laughing for so long. I remember on 9/8 I wrote that i know i’ve never seen him w/ his guard down and i still usually feel like that, but then sometimes lately i think it comes down for a second and it’s always really nice and makes me think it’s worth working/waiting for. It’s understandable that he’d still have a lot of walls up when our relationship has been so rocky and it’s still in the baby stages anyways. I know he must be feeling more and more sure of us bc the way his sister treats me changed distinctly this weekend. Like she was always super nice, but now she treats me like she expects me to be around/expects to and wants to make friends, which is so nice. He’s still incredible when I get triggered. Sometimes I just suddenly can’t anymore and he’s never even hinted at the slightest inkling of being frustrated by that.

11/4/2018: “do you love me?” “yes. i do love you. its been screaming in my head to say it every time I look at you.” “then why didn’t you get me a seltzer water?”

11/30/2018: “I’m breaking up with you, and I want to marry you, and I love you.”

---

update: this is going to be a running/updated post for all bullshit things i think about M but should be telling no one and should absolutely not be posting on the internet.

#personal

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seven-oomen · 4 years

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Omg, that sounds like a hell of an adventure with the couch! My apartment also has a narrow L-shaped staircase, but luckily most of the heavy stuff I’ve had to drag up them by myself have been in flatpack boxes or storage tubs, so awkward, but somewhat maneuverable. (At least you had somewhere to crash when you were done?) And I have yet to make it to an IKEA (the closest one is at the other end of the state, I think), but I have assembled a fair amount of similar furniture, and I very much like to look at the instructions. XD I may need them less the further along I get, but I like being able to double check what I’m doing (unless it’s something like my dining room table, which was literally “screw the legs into the table top.”) Although it does remind me of some of the displays we get at work that don’t even come a picture of what it’s supposed to look like when assembled. It’s like “here’s a bunch of large cardboard pieces with pre-marked ridges, but we’re not gonna tell you which way they’re supposed to fold, or at what point in the process. we believe in you. godspeed, spiderman." Apparently I’m decent at it, though, because they keep asking me to do it.

I only saw Friends for the first time last year (or so?), because it was on Netflix, and I was just like "what the hell? let’s see what the commotion’s about." I never did quite finish it. I liked parts of it, but never did get the allure. And Ross is a piece of shit, Rachel’s not particularly likeable, and they’re toxic for each other, so I REALLY didn’t understand that whole thing. But the pivot! pivot! thing pops up a lot on tumblr, so when I think of moving furniture, that’s where my mind immediately goes. Fun story: in one of my apartments, we had to pop the screens out of an upstairs window to pass a mattress and box spring up because it wouldn’t fit up the stairs.

My tree (whenever I get it up; probably next week because I close the next few nights) is a wild mish-mash of cheesy Hallmark ornaments I stole borrowed from my mom’s collection, and weird, nerdy ornaments I’ve picked up over the years, for the most part. It’s topped with an angel I found at a vintage shop that’s an almost identical, but smaller, version of the one my mom has used since before I was born (possibly since before my parents got married.) And definitely multi-colored lights, the kind that you can make twinkle in different patterns and speeds if I can manage, but I can’t always find those. To swing into headcanon land, I feel like Chris would prefer warm white lights, because they’re more elegant, Noah would like the multi-color because they’re more cheerful, and Peter could kinda go either way depending on his mood. Luckily, with that many kids, they pretty much have to have two trees, so everybody’s still happy (or depending on the size of the living room, maybe they just have one gigantic tree and decorate it with both. XD )

Speaking of headcanons, I thought of a few for your Noah post:

1. My instinct would have been drums over guitar, but I like both. Either way, he was definitely in a garage band in high school (possibly why he quit scouts?) They were actually decent, but mostly just doing it for fun (and in his case to not be at home), so it didn’t really go anywhere.

2. Since we don’t know his exact age in canon, it’s hard to say for sure, but it’s possible that he might have been part of Operation Desert Storm in Iraq towards the tail end of his enlistment, which would make a nice parallel for Jordan having been in Afghanistan.

3. He definitely scheduled leave time to attend Live Aid in London in ‘85, because like hell he was missing out on the chance to see both David Bowie and Queen in the same concert (Peter is jealous not only because of that, but because Wham! was there, too. XD ) He definitely has a t-shirt from then, too, carefully hidden so neither his son (nor Peter) can steal it.

4. I feel like he has at least one tattoo that he got while in service, I just can’t decide what. I’d say on his left shoulder, either an oak tree (referencing his time spent out in the preserve and unknowingly the Nemeton/druids/etc), something to do with the band he’d been in, or something like one of the tanks from Combat! or Battlezone (both Atari games). I’m also all about him and Stiles eventually getting Hale pack tattoos.

5. I think he gets back into crochet by making things with thicker yarn and a larger hook, because those tend to show a result faster, and give the sense of accomplishment that makes you want to keep going, and works his way down into more intricate stuff from there. (I want to say that Chris prefers macrame because he has more experience figuring out knots from his hunter training, but feel it might come across the wrong way XD )

That’s all my brain has for now on the subject, though I’ll try to think of more.

And yay, I did interpret the letters correctly once I figured out what they were! And I very much look forward to seeing Lahey get what he deserves (and how they find out, since obvs no kanima this time.) Oh shit, I’m definitely gonna have to buy another bottle of wine then. I foolishly thought we were moving past the drama, but I see we’re just transferring who it centers around. XD That hurts on so many levels already. (Also, I’m very curious about why? Why keep it a secret? I know, I know, I have to wait. ;D )

Thank you, again! I’m just glad other people are liking it, too! I really need to starting working on my WIPs again, but work has been stupidly crazy lately for a lot of reasons, and I pretty much just come home and crash lately.

Thankfully the dishes were still okay, and today was pretty chill for the most part. Felt weird to be eating Thanksgiving food by myself, but I wasn’t going to risk it, even if me and both my parents are all still working. I am also clearly not someone who will judge someone else for rambling (nor for being up far too late despite an early morning), so no worries. :D And I very much look forward to the GIFs. Take care! *Hugs!*

So I don’t have much energy right now but I just wanted to say I very much enjoyed your post and headcanons and I really love reading these messages. I do have a bit of a gift for you and I hope you like it. A little preview of what I’m working on for the DILF Club Once Upon a Time gifs.

Although now I kinda want to do a short cutesy vid XD. Hey I might make that and then gif it. I have enough material for it, god knows.

I just hope your shift was okay and that you’re okay as I’m kinda worried about you. And though I don’t have much energy rn, I kinda want to cheer you up. <3

Hope you’re doing okay and big hugs from me and Mo <3

#ben says stuff #my convos with anon #B #submission

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the-last-airbadger · 6 years

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My 2017

The end of the year is in sight, and so it is time to, once again, write a long post in which I look back on the past year and get all sentimental and stuff. It’s fun! And since I’ve kinda made an annual tradition out of it, why the fuck not?

I’m gonna be using the same questions/categories as I did last year for maximum comparison (and so I know what to write about), so if you want to read last year’s post, I’ll link it here: (x)

The Beginning of 2017 vs. Now I definately think that there’s a huge difference between the beginning of the year and the end. When this year started, I was sooooo busy with school. I had multiple test weeks coming up and I was behind on almost all my subjects. The stress of all that stuff caused me to feel really unhappy, and apart from that my transition also wasn’t really moving forward. And now? Now I’m five months on T, finished with school, and even though work is still stressfull at the moment and I’m still not really happy, I can say that I’m a lot happier than I was at the beginning of the year. I also feel like at the beginning of the year I was kinda stuck in a negative mindset. I felt lonely all the time, and I had just started to realise that I was a very insecure person and I felt really lonely and busy and isolated and I just wasn’t in a good place, ya know? And I feel like in the past year I’ve become better at dealing with my insecurities and with jealousy, which has increased the value I have of myself, which has definately improved my quality of life.

So, to summarise it: Since the beginning of the year I’ve reached multiple of my goals, reached some milestones and, most importantly, I’ve grown as a person.

Best things about 2017 So many good things happened this year! I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll try to start with things that happened at the beginning of the year and just see where it leads me. I hope I won’t forget anything lmao.

Okay, so first of all, Voltron season 2, 3 and 4 were all released this year! Three seasons! That’s crazy! I didn’t really enjoy the last two that much, but damn, season 2 was really fun! Other tv shows that got new seasons this year were Stranger Things, Doctor Who (I can’t believe I’ve only finished the tenth doctors seasons this year! I can’t believe I’ve not been into Doctor Who for more than a year! It’s so much funn!!!!), Brooklyn Nine-Nine (which reminds me, I started watching “the good place” this year! Amazing show!), and Sense8! Speaking of sense8, I only started watching it in the beginning of this year, and it has easily become one of my favourite shows ever! I’m so glad I got to watch this show this year!

Then in february, I discovered the band One Ok Rock, which is one of my favourite bands at the moment. It’s crazy to think I haven’t even known them for a year, because they’ve become such an integral part of my music library. And so have Lindsey Stirling and Ed Sheeran by the way! I went to a Lindsey Stirling concert in March and have become a huge fan of her latest album “brave enough” ever since then. And Ed Sheeran’s album “Devide” had some amazing songs on it that I connected with instantly and have helped me through some hard times. I really can’t believe I’ve only been listening to these songs for like nine months or something. It feels like it’s been forever. The same goes for a certain musical genre by the way, but we’ll get into that later!!

Then in may, two amazing things happened, first of all I got to perform on a huge stage with my choir, and met some famous dutch people there! Roel van Velzen for example! That was crazy! We were on TV!!!

The second thing is, I finished my exams and was done with school! This made me feel sooooo much happier. I instantly just felt a lot better and suddenly had time to do stuff I liked, like read and write and play the piano. Honestly, those months (end of may - end of august) were some of the best months I’ve had in a loooong time. I wish I could go back sometimes lmao.

So yeah, I graduated, turned eightteen, went to Ireland for the first time. All of that stuff was amazing. Then, on the 28th of june, I went to the hospital and got one of the best surprises I’ve ever gotten. I COULD FINALLY, FINALLY, GO ON T! If I had to pick my best day of the year, I’d probably choose this day. Testosterone has already improved my life so much and I’ve only been on it for five months. I can’t imagine how much it will change me in the next year and I also can’t wait to find out!!

Oh, and after that, I GOT INTO KPOP! I started really listening to Day6 during my vacation to ireland, but around the end of august/beginning of september, I started to get really really into SHINee, and in extention, to kpop. Honestly, this might sound dramatic, but Day6 and SHINee have added so much to my life. Their music and just their personalities never fail to make me smile, and they bring me comfort when I feel down. Since a few weeks, BTS has also been added to that list. Their music and the members just really mean a lot to me, so I’d say kpop is definately one of the best things that happened to me this year.

Then I got a job in september, and I can’t really remember if anything big has happened since then. The only thing I can really think of is I SAW JACKSEPTICEYE LIVE! That evening was such a fun evening and it was awesome to finally get to see one of my heroes in person and to be in the same room with him and see that he’s actually real, haha. I don’t think I’ve screamed that much anywhere else this year.

Oh, and I also went to my first pride this year! Sadly, I couldn’t stay there very long because of work, but it was amazing and I can’t wait to go again!

I also started my youtube channel this year, which is cool. I really love making content for it, but unfortunately it takes a lot of time that I usually don’t have. I hope I’ll be able to keep it up for another year!

So, I think that’s it for this year. If you look at it like this it’s actually quite a lot of positive stuff! That’s always good.

OH AND HOW COULD I FORGET I went to london with my mom this year! It was only two nights but it was amazing and I had loads of fun there!

And another thing I wanted to add is I feel like I’ve become a lot closer with my friends this past year. I guess that’s just what happens when you know them for a year longer, but idk. We see eachother a lot less than last year and despite that we’ve only become closer and I think that’s a really amazing thing.

OH, and I started to watch the You’re So Brave podcast by Chase Ross & Aaron Ansuini and oh my god have these dudes helped me a lot in the past year. Thank you guys so so much!!!

My resolutions for 2017? I haven’t looked at my resolutions for this year since I posted them last year... oops. But I remember quite a few of them and I believe I’ve achieved some of them so I’m just going to copy-paste them here and adress them all individually

Go on Testosterone, for real this time - Did that!! I went on T on the 28th of July 2017 and am now Five months and Three days on T!

Write more! - .... well I guess I failed that one. I wrote exactly four pages in the past year

Save money and buy new jeans, flannels and hoodies - I did save money, and bought my favourite flannel, hoodie and jeans this year, so I guess that counts

Finish School! - DID THAT

Read a lot of books! - Sadly, I didn’t manage to achieve my reading goal on goodreads. I only read 22 books this year when I wanted to read 35. Last year, I read about the same amount, so I’d count this as a fail.

Stay Hydrated! - Idek if I did this lmao. I did become more aware of what I’m eating and what I should eat more and less to stay healthy, so I’m going to count this as a win

Try to make my tumblr blog a safe and positive place for everyone - I’ll let you guys be the judge of that

Stay positive - I’ve definately tried this, so that’s good enough

Try to be the best person I can be - I’ve become a lot more self aware the past year, and I did find out what my flaws were and how to work on them, so I think I did this.

Fight my insecurities - As I’ve stated in the beginning of this post, I think I’ve become better at dealing with them, so I’d say yeah, I did that!

Reach 200 followers on tumblr!! - Did that! I’ve got about 280 followers now!!

So yeah, overall I think I did pretty good in the past year! Better than I expected at least haha

Expectations for 2018 Okay, let’s see. I’m expecting I’ll keep my job until around june/july. I’ll turn nineteen in june, and I’m going to see Paramore, Markiplier, Ed Sheeran and Dan and Phil live this year! Really looking forward to that!! Then in september I’m going to start university, and I think that I’m going to have Top-Surgery somewhere between september and december of this year. Apart from that I don’t really know what to expect. I think university will be quite easy for me education-wise, and hard social-wise, since I’m not good around strangers and might have some slight social anxiety. But apart from that I don’t really have a clear vision for the future. I am probably going to start learing how to drive so I might get my driver’s liscence this year. Who knows? It’ll be a mystery until I’ve lived it guys.

2018 Resolutions? I am feeling ambitious rn so I’m probably gonna set the bar too high but oh well who cares let’s do this

Finally decide what to study

Get Top-Surgery

Write at least 100 pages of a story

Accomplish my reading challenge on goodreads (I’m gonna try 35 books again)

Start University

Make new friends

Stop with my acting classes

Learn how to drive

Improve my drawing skills (maybe make a comic?)

Reach 300 followers on Tumblr

Get more than 20 subs on Youtube and consistently create content for my channel

Learn Divenire on the Piano

Dye my hair

Continue to shower every day (Hygene is important!)

Start working out/exercising regularely

Get new glasses

And yeah, that’s it! I hope you’ve all enjoyed going along on this journey through my past year with me. Looking back on the past year is always one of my favourite parts of new year’s eve. It’s so good to look back and see all that you’ve accomplished in a year and it just makes me really sentimental and stuff and I like that.

Anyways, I hope you all have a great evening, and I’ll see you guys next year!

#personal #idk how else to tag this lol

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melfractis · 5 years

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I can only communicate through dumb childish means and internet lingo. Can’t even speak without fucking up or getting the same exasperated looks. I don’t like now. I keep saying the same shit over and over. I see no point. It just hurts being surrounded by them it’s just a reminder. That’s selfish. That’s toxic. I’m toxic. If I don’t kill myself im going to get karmatic retribution. As I move away something awful will happen. I’ll remember this post thinking that. I’ll remember all the time saying something awful will happen as it is happening. Why can’t I move on, something legitimately is wrong. I want to say more but to who? Why should I? The one person who should care doesn’t care. I don’t care. I only care enough to berate myself and acknowledge it but do nothing. I feel like puking static and tearing my body open. I wonder what it’s like to be happy enough. I acknowledge not everyone is always happy, but happy enough sounds achievable and nice. Was I ever happy? Did I learn to be happy? Did I learn to want anything ever? I don’t know. I can’t ask for help but I can’t help myself. I just want to leave and be forgotten. Oh ouch ouch edgy ouch. I want to feel like a person not an amalgamation or loose thoughts to create a conscious. I don’t like being around them. But I need them more than they need me. I never should have stayed up that one night to keep rping AoTTG. I probably would have managed to actually die then at 17. Or beaten. Ramble ramble words words melting hurt my chest hurts a lot rn and I want to cry but can’t cry and I’m wasting time. They figured it out. Each group had the ding moment. I wish I could be a proper jackass instead of this flakey toxic twat. Be at least more productive. Idk. Too many thoughts. Angry and hateful and numb. Words. I’ve only gotten worse. I only made the one close to me feel bad. Is there anything? Idk anymore. Idk if I can even feel properly at this point. I’m going to die in the most lackluster way possible with having accomplished nothing. Why did I never start on anything? Why did I wait? Why did I believe I would be saved when I had to save myself but I just let life happen. Ok I’m crying now. I’m only ever going to be something to be talked at or just a flat moldy cardboard of a person. Sometimes I question if the happy I feel now is even happy or just happy that I was trained to feel. Am I even am individual? Is the a single fucking individual thought in my head? I don’t know. I keep thinking about his words to me. This stranger. This teacher. ‘An empty, conforming person of lost potential’. Why didn’t I get mad? Why am I not spiteful? I just proved him right. I proved thepeople that gave me life right. They say they’re not disappointed but they are. I’m so childish and emotionally stunted or something. I’m repeating myself now probs. I wish I could at least self harm right. Bring actual lasting harm not just pussy shit that shows how lacking of conviction. Only get one life. It hurts knowing I wasted a good chunk considering all the privilege. I had all this opportunity to be something why didn’t I take it? Why why why why why it physically hurts buts that’s so cliched and overdone

#vent #dumb shit #blqh blah #im disgusting as a person #personality wise and physically

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cheshirehunshine · 7 years

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11 Questions Tag

I was tagged by @heart-attack-harry @roseonhissleeve @loveyooumeanit and @whoopsharrystyles. Thank you all for tagging me!! This took me a while because I had to answer 44 questions instead of 11 lol

Rules:

1. Always post these rules. 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

I tag @theharrystyleseffect @harryslovelylocks @thereignofsoloharry @stylishmuser @stylesinthewild @stylesunchained @stylessemantics @harryschancla @aqua-harry @rosyharry @wdmsusie (you don’t have to read all my answers though- the questions for you are at the end)

Ok here it goes:

Court’s questions:

1. What is one 1D song that you think Harry would sound great singing himself?

Any of them lol but I would like him to kill me singing Temporary Fix all by himself

2. What time do you get up in the mornings?

Between 9 and 10 am

3. If you could do one of the following with Harry, which would you choose: write a song with him, sing a song with him, or play an instrument in his band?

My non-artistic soul can’t do any of those things but I guess I’d like to learn to play the piano and play it with him. The two of us on the same piano ;)

4. If you could cast Harry in another movie, what kind of role would it be?

A remake of ET. He would be the martian of course.

5. Are you a gold or silver person?

I like both but I have more silver accessories

6. What is your go-to lunch?

It varies but there’s always rice involved

7. Favorite decade of music?

Wow this is hard! 70′s and 90′s (couldn’t choose one)

8. Favorite memory with a friend?

When I visited a friend that lived in another city and we spent all the nights watching Friends and eating oreos

9. Name a person, band, movie, song, etc. that you think is overrated.

Justin Bieber, Halsey, The Chainsmokers.

10. Did you pre-order Harry’s album? If so, what version?

The limited edition of the CD with the hardbook

11. Most romantic thing someone has done for you?

Taking me to Machu Picchu

Yeli’s:

1. What are three things that you are proud of?

Graduating from college, having people who loves me for who I am, being able to forgive almost anything

2. If you could learn how to sing/perform one song perfectly, what song would it be?

“I will survive”, I want to be able to scream those lines without breaking glasses :)

3. If you were a superhero, what would your superpower be?

I can’t remember rn from which movie is this character (maybe x-men), but I guess I’d have the superpower to contol everyone else’s emotions, like some kind of telepathy to ease their minds

4. Do you have any tattoos/do you want any tattoos? Tell us about them.

I don’t have any but I’d like to get Harry’s sparrows on my shoulders

5. Where do you go when you need to think?

Somewhere calm and green

6. What is your favorite Disney/animated movie?

Alice in Wonderland

7. What is your favorite book & why?

The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. Idk why I just feel kind of a connection with it. I could read it a thousand times and always find a different interpretation of it.

8. What is a song that not a lot of people know that you wish was more popular?

“Somewhere only we know” by Lily Allen. It’s a cover but she did it 1000x times better than the original. I’ve always believed she’s underrated

9. Where do you get your inspiration?

From music mostly

10. What makes you happy?

My friends, my family, music, Harry :)

11. Why are you a 1D fan?

I’m not lol I found Harry after the hiatus and here I am still...

Laura’s:

1. What’s your favorite outfit on Harry?

He can use almost anything and still look like a prince, but I found recently that I love seeing him with comfy clothes like big sweaters, hoodies or simple plain t-shirts

2. If you could go anywhere in the world right now where would you go?

London and I’d never come back :)

3. Have you ever seen 1D in concert? If so what was your favorite part?

I haven’t :(

4. Are you a night owl or early bird?

I’m both actually, don’t have preferences

5. What was your first thought about SOTT?

WOW. And then I wanted to cry.

6. Dream job?

Haven’t figured that out yet

7. What’s your favorite movie?

Wow it changes constantly. Rn I think it’s “Into the wild”

8. Favorite Harry interview ever?

The one for Rolling Stone

9. Are you shy or outgoing?

It depends on the situation but I’m generally outgoing

10. One thing you’ve always wanted to do?

Travel around the world

11. What’s your favorite planet?

Harry’s one

Dawn’s:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

My future self (didn’t expect that one huh?)

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

NO WAY. I couldn’t handle the exposition and being in everybody’s mouth and having to read people critizing me and making up shit about me and observing my every move... no thanks

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

I’ve never done this actually

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

Since my life has been so dull lately, a perfect day would be a productive one

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

Today, I sing for myself everyday and my unfortunate sister who lives with me has to hear it

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

The mind (why would I want to look young at 90??). But I wouldn’t like to need diapers though..

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Wow I believed I was the only one who thought about this...it’s scary to say this for the 1st time but I have this feeling I’ll die young, but I REALLY hope I’m wrong! (maybe it’s just my paranoia)(I hope)(I don’t wanna die young)

8. What are the five things that you are most thankful for right now?

Having my family supporting me no matter what, having food and somewhere to live, having friends who help make my days better, having Harry and my harries who also contribute a lot to my happiness, and having education which I hope will be useful someday :)

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

Everything. I’m just grateful I’m alive and well and loved by many

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Nothing. My parents did their best to raise two strong, kind, clever, grateful, healthy, loving daughters and they did a great job I think :)

11. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

JOB EXPERIENCE TO BE HIRED SOMEWHERE JDKFVKSGVMS (or maybe traveling to the future, I’d love that)

My questions:

Who’s your role model?

What’s something you want to accomplish in the short term?

What would you like to ask Harry?

If you could travel through time once and then come back, would you prefer to travel to the past or the future? Why?

Where’s your favorite place you’ve been to?

Would you like to get married and have kids someday?

Do you have a motto you live by?

Have you ever been in love? Are you now?

Which song reminds you of some time/someone/something very important to you?

Do you pay attention to fashion trends?

If you could change anything about your life, what would it be?

#this took me forever #everyone's asleep now but I better publish it before someone else tags me #and I'd have to answer 11 more questions lol #tagged #about:me #tumblr friends

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otomehostclub · 7 years

Note

It’s M again. I haven’t spoken in awhile but its been up & down with my life. Well mostly down. I’m going to do my finals for Friday which scares me a little. I’m hoping I pass. Mostly nervous for Japanese then anything else. I do worry about Sociology. Not the point but I’ve been sick so many days because of the consist stress I’ve been enduring. The common source is as usually, well you know my family of course. Recap, Sister is verbally abusive before & during the pregnancy, her BF 5 (M1)

Long post ahead

years younger then her & is a useless bum. I’m getting constant triggers being around them, I hate that child. My mother doesn’t understand that I need to get help & get away from it all. She calls me a liar for me being mentally sick. I wanted to kill myself, & was very close to do so, because I was done with living. Why didn’t do it, I wish I knew. I know I shouldn’t hate that kid, I was the kid who’s biological father, molester my older half-sister, the same sister who is pregnant rn, (m2)the same sister on bad terms in my heart & mind. The same person who tried to kick me out & her own mother too. I hate this, because ever since that BF hers walked in & got her pregnant, my life is a living nightmare. I’m tired of everything not working for me anymore. I’m tired when do my interviews & they don’t hire me because they hired someone else, even though I said all the right things. (M3)I’m tired that my sister still thinks I love her when I don’t I have pure hatred for what she did to my family. I’m completely & severally broken. I keep applying hoping I get a job before she delivers the demon spawn. I don’t want to be alone with that thing. It only will drive me insane. I know I shouldn’t hate, but I can’t change my heart, I wasn’t meant to be near children, (M4)I don’t have much patience for them nor to I fancy them very much. I just want to get away from it all, but my mother doesn’t listen to me, she doesn’t try didn’t ways to help me, she wants me to get better with my sister but I don’t want to. This is about our own abuser who was family. I just want a job, & move out. I want to leave this country with my cats & mother way from it all. (M5)I don’t want to worry anymore. This stress, emotional turmoil, lack of money & the rabid Cheeto destroying the financial protection of others is only slowly killing me. I want things to stop, I just want to be happy again. I want to die, but I don’t want to go without dying happy. (If it’s okay, may I please have Saizo, Yukimura, Masamune, Mitsunari, Kotaro SLBP?) (M6/6)

Enough is enough.

The phrase replays in your mind like a mantra. You are sick of everything and nobody even gives a-

“Well, well little lady,” comes a familiar voice. “Keep frowning like that and you can’t smile again.”

You turn to see Saizo, looking around nervously.

“You also asked for Kotaro but I’m not too happy about it,” he frowns while offering you his hand. “That man needs to cool his head or something…”

You weren’t sure what he means but you let him guide you to outside to where a pagoda is. A large table laden with manju, dango, zundai-mochi, doughnuts, cakes and several tea cups next to a decorative tea pot. You look to see that Yukimura, Masamune, and Mitsunari are there too. You feel Saizo letting go of your hand then nudges you forward. Okay? You walk and Yukimura pulls a chair out for you.

“You can relax Saizo,” Yukimura sighs towards him. “That crazy Kotaro hasn’t shown up.”

“Yet,” Mitsunari corrects sharply.

“If he shows up and starts fighting, I can’t keep my promise to Hotaru about letting him see the fish,” he sighs while sitting down.

“Why did you visit again,” Masamune interrogates while pouring tea. “You aren’t looking happy.”

His blunt manner never fails to bother you… yet you still tell them anyways. Your family issues and frustration towards not passing interviews come tumbling out with your expression growing more and more frustrated and angry. When you finish, it was too quiet.

“You picked the wrong people to ask about what to do with your mother,” Yukimura pouts. “I have no idea what to do.”

“Have her live with a maid or something,” Mitsunari mopes. “Better than having nobody care about her.”

“I agree but if you have to leave them, then leave,” Saizo nods. “The best you can do for yourself with your family right now is to cut them off.”

“After getting the live in nurse,” Mitsunari interrupts.

You see Masamune type something on his phone before tucking it into a pocket.

“I’m afraid we don’t have very good advice on how to do those interview things so I had to ask someone else to help us with this,” he explains. “He should be here soon.”

“I hope I’m not intruding,” a voice soon appears and you all turn to see a tall man in a suit with a briefcase in one hand. “I came over from work as soon as I could. … Cases aren’t going to solve themselves.”

“It’s okay Takao but are you able to do what Masamune is saying,” Yukimura wonders with clear skepticism.

“I actually can,” he replies then turns to you bowing while holding out his business card. “I apologize for not introducing myself earlier. I’m Takao Maruyama. Nice to meet you.”

You accept the business card and see that he’s a lawyer. How is a lawyer going to help you?!

“I was told by Masamune-san that you aren’t getting the jobs you applied for after your interview,” Takao notes after taking a seat. “I would have asked to see your resume and help with a few tips but I can however advise on how to be at an interview.”

What? You already know what to do.

“Yes but how you carry yourself and your appearance also influences the person who is conducting your interview,” Takao points out. “For example, if you are slouching despite wearing a suit, it doesn’t leave a good of impression as if you were sitting up straight while wearing a suit. Sitting upright gives the impression that you are confident and you are capable. Here’s something that I do when I’m at home preparing for a trial. I run through mock ones to see how my reactions are to the opposing party. If I show that I’m being convinced by the other side, it’s not a good impression that I’m giving my client. So having your expression in check can also leave a good impression on the potential employer. You can also ask someone you know to help you do a few interviews but have it recorded.”

Why would you want to do that?

“If you see where you messed up in the playbacks you can improve those areas with your friends or whomever is helping you,” Takao mentions after a sip of tea. “Also have others who been through job interviews assist and give advice on where you can improve answers or what habits you need to be aware of. Another thing that will improve your chances of being hired is a small introduction of yourself.”

Why?

“If you present not only your name but also what you’ve already accomplished or what skills you have on hand,” he clarifies. “Like this for example: ‘My name is Takao Maruyama. I have completed a law degree. I can speak Japanese and English.’ But do it with yourself. Make a list of what education you have, what skills or talents that are beneficial for a job and work on making a short introduction of yourself.”

Oh.

“You want to present yet brag a bit about yourself when presenting to your potential employer,” Takao reminds you. “With some practice you’ll be able to make it.”

A rustling in the bushes nearby drew everyone’s attention. Was that Kotaru? Why was he crawling through the bushes?

“Saizo!” Kotaru gleefully exclaims, jumping to his feet. “This lowly worm nearly gave up hope being able to show his presence here today!”

You realize that there was another person behind Kotaru. Upon first glance you thought it was Saizo, but the teal scarf and black rings were not anything he would ever wear. As you mused on the appearance of the newcomers, the second man took out a piece of paper and wrote something down, passing it to Saizo when he was done.

*Sorry Big Brother. Fuma was difficult to control*

The others were alarmed but quickly saw that both arrived unarmed. Weaponry of any sort were not allowed on this property.

“No weapon and no violence policy here,” Mitsunari explains.

You see Saizo read the paper before smiling at the other.

“It’s fine Hotaru,” he comforts. “She also asked for Kotaro too.”

You listen as everyone summarizes what they’ve said to you for Kotaro and Hotaru to understand.

Kotaro’s face scrunched up a bit, causing the others to worry. “Ah, I too, know nothing of my mother, or any family to speak of. Kill…” A strong shot of water accompanying the many angry glares prompts Kotaro to be uncharacteristically silent, standing there sopping wet. You did have to wonder where the water attack was from but that will have to wait.

Hotaru thought over the situation. While he wasn’t asked for, he felt that he should try to offer his own thoughts. Taking out his pen and paper again, he wrote out *Perhaps Mother and Sister needs a hug* and gave it to his brother.

You see Saizo and the others reading what Hotaru has on the paper. Then Saizo sighs.

“The thought is appreciated Hotaru but the mother and sister aren’t on good terms either,” he comforts. “You do understand that words have more power than imaginable. Same with actions.”

“Indeed,” Takao sighs, “as both can either free or trap a person more.”

Hotaru nodded before writing something out on another piece of paper: *Can she move in with other relatives? Or stay with a friend for awhile? Sister sounds like a bad person*

You read it with everyone else before Masamune speaks up.

“Yes it’s better that you do find someone else to live with for a bit,” he nods. “If they are understanding they’ll let you go over until you have to leave again.”

“Colleges and universities have housing. Try looking there,” Takao offers.

Kotaru’s eyes widened as he had a thought to share. “You can be like Saizo and I and live in the tree..”

“Fuma, be quiet.” Hotaru murmured.

…So he can speak? Then you see Kotaru continue ‘talking’ for several moments after being muted before realizing what had happened. He stopped, looking around to the others as to what had just happened. Saizo shakes his head, sighing. The others are either showing shocked or stunned expressions

“Hotaru can but it’s dangerous,” Saizo explains. “It’s actually a power of his…”

Oh.

A pair of arms go around you and you get pressed into a warm chest.

“There is only so much one can do on their own. Don’t be afraid to ask for help in keeping yourself emotionally and mentally sane. We will be here when you need help,” someone says.

You can’t tell who but it gives you some level of assurance that things will work out one way or another. You just gotta believe that they will.

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

Text

Just write... don’t think too much... ugh... impossible... It hurts... (Bittersweet feelings of the past, some self- encouragement and general happenings)

It’s really difficult, especially difficult lately. I’m not sure whether these physical symptoms that have been plaguing me for some time have resurfaced on their own, or whether they’ve been exacerbated by the tremendous amount of stress I’ve been subjecting myself to, but it’s knocked me back quite a lot. Both physically and mentally, I’m so exhausted and so pained, it hurts so much. I feel like I can’t do anything again, there’s no joy or desire to do anything, my motivation is almost all shrivelled up, concentration span is -1000 and I’m still ever so frustrated with myself. I need to take a deep breath and stop beating myself up about things again.

I started writing this post a couple of days ago and was thinking about it a few days even before that so I have completely forgotten what I wanted to write. Happens pretty much every time and I’m such an idiot but w/e, oh welp and never mind. Spontaneous is the way to go!

The past few days, or weeks I’ve been really in a sort of nostalgic-ish sentimental kind of mood. Mulling over the past isn’t something I want to keep doing because well it sucks demotivates and side tracks me usually, but in this case it was kinda unavoidable and sometimes reflecting is good too. I’ve been tidying a lot of the stuff in my room lately, trying to declutter and sort through some stuff that has gone untouched for years. Things like toys from childhood, books from school, even some old photos and things like that. Seeing them all again feels so bittersweet. So much has changed, the things I used to love and find big and amazing look so small and old now, it fills my mind with memories and also sadness. I’ve never been allowed pets so the stuffed animals I had were very dear to me and made me feel safe, seeing them again made me feel horrible for boxing them away for so long. The feeling of being replaced or thrown away is such a horrible thing, I feel really guilty about it, but it’s also something I feel like may have happened to me idk...

I am always worried about growing older and having not accomplished anything, being a burden... It’s one of the reasons I am scared to reconnect with past friends or put myself in view of relatives on places like Facebook. I imagine all those people are happy and successful unlike myself. I mean I’m only assuming this and I’ll never know how they’re doing really, but they were definitely much more functional than I, that’s for sure. I even dreamed about them a few times lately, made me remember some good things and bad things, it left me feeling pretty wistful and upset. I do miss them a lot and I wish I tried harder to stay connected but being there on FB was just such a bad experience for me and everything else at the time was already too much to handle, I had to run, I had to disappear... :< There’s so many more specific things, reasons, events which I could mention but I’m not ready to write about it, or I am too scared to or may have remembered wrongly. It pains me so much to think back about bad times, but it’s probably all my overthinking that was the real cause of the problem idk... ;;

I also went back and looked at every account I’ve had on the internet that I could remember. Some linked to more that I had forgotten even, but in general they all weren’t used for more than a year or two. Most of these were from like 7-8 years ago when I was most active and well... I’m sure I’ve written something like this before but I still write pretty similar now, though much less sort of goofy and hyper lol. I saw I wrote some things that I probably would never even think of writing now or feel would be much too personal in a way to disclose so freely. I would favourite and comment a lot more and just generally try reach out and message people much more easily. I was still anxious about things I posted and I mentioned my worries frequently, I remember still trying hard to fit in and only partly succeeding, and I openly wrote 'my life sucks’ in some of my profiles lol. I want to regain some of that confidence or carefree-ness I had before or to find some new ones. (Sounds like I’m talking about buying shoes or something, but I am too lazy to think up a fancy coherent sentence rn lol.)

There’s a lot of friends I talked to then and well disappeared from, but some of them also disappeared. Things happen and there’s a lot more important stuff that requires focus on for everyone. Maybe like these times I’ll be able to forget my most recent escapes and losses of friendship as time goes on. Though the last time was different... there was conflict while in previous ones I just faded out. The conflict really affected me a lot, much more that I could even comprehend, I feel it may have even sparked a lot of my current illness. I looked back on some things from before the conflict happened and it’s such a shame how something so happy and sweet can become so sour so easily. I miss the happier times I experienced and I wonder how all the people I’ve ever talked to online are doing. I hope they are well and I’m thankful that they were my friend, no matter how long or short that may have been, it still meant so much to me.

There is still one friend I occasionally message and a few still within reach now. I feel bad for staying away from them, but my priorities lie in improving my health. I keep feeling like I’m being selfish, but looking after yourself and your health is of the utmost importance. I was a little happy when the friend (and past friends) said they wanted to talk to me recently or times before when they’ve said before that they enjoyed messaging me, it made me feel... well, not worthless, which is very nice and touching and I hope my own words may have warmed their hearts just as much too :’>

Something I was also able to take away from my little nostalgia dig is that I was a good person and still am. Not to be bigging myself up or anything, but I just want to remind myself of this for all the times when I decide to hate on myself and bring myself down. I know I have a good heart (figuratively at least lol) and that I am someone worthy of friendship, even if at times I feel I don’t deserve it. I liked to help people and also admire people’s work with great enthusiasm, while being appreciative of their comments and it showed. I should cherish myself more and give myself credit for what I have been able to do instead of beating myself down with doubt and self-loathing.

When I looked the art I had posted before all those years ago, I felt pretty impressed by myself and kind of proud, which is very motivating. There were plenty of flaws, a lot that I worried about and even mentioned repeatedly, but there were people that genuinely liked my creations and the actual content, even if experimental was very good even in my own eyes ^^ Even if it sucked, I still continued and wanted to learn to get better. Now I am always afraid of trying things, always unaccepting of the flaws and instead striving for the unattainable but failing and ending up paralysed instead. Sometimes effort is not equal to a good result and sometimes it is, sometimes unintentional things can be great and intentional things can suck, sometimes... no, at all times I just need to go for it and praise myself even for just the act of trying, no matter the outcome. ‘Perfectly imperfect’ or ‘free and me’, maybe those are the styles I can strive for instead C:

Anyways, now I’ve had a look at the past, it’s time to get back to the present where everything matters most. I’ve been going shopping, to the park and stuff like that quite a bit again recently, it’s been nice even though I wasn’t feeling that good and the weather’s been pretty erratic as usual. I haven’t played Just Dance for probably over a month now lol, I actually got the newest one and haven’t even tried it, my focus has just been elsewhere or maybe just nowhere. Despite this, I think I am still feeling alright physically, besides the possibly stress/anxiety induced pains. I have lost a little weight, probably from my cleaner-ish diet, and it feels less tiring when I do go out and I feel a tiny bit more confident which is good, I hope lol >< My skin has been even awful-er lately and that knocked back my confidence though :c I kind of took the time to pamper myself yesterday, it was nice after such a long time and I’m glad I put the effort onto doing so even though it was hard :3

I started watching this Korean drama (’Heart to heart’) a while ago, which I had high hopes for, as it was centred around a girl with social phobia(or that’s what the summary said, but she actually has agoraphobia which is well, different) and a psychiatrist but I lost interest in it fairly quickly. It’s just a typical Korean romance drama dressed up a tiny bit differently, with the lead male (the psychologist) having the stereotypical rich, arrogant, selfish personality which is completely illogical and unrealistic for his occupation and some other hand wavy cliche things. Me and my sister were watching it while my parents were there. Before watching it I was thinking it could maybe give a slight insight into how I feel, but it was much too... too... idk it feels like the topics aren’t treated seriously or are exaggerated for maybe comedic effect. I feel I expected too much. Also the second lead guy is an actor I kinda like and his personality is the total opposite of the lead (kind hearted, heroic etc.), but knowing the lead girl will probably end up with the mean lead guy is just so annoying.

My dad was asking why the character is so weird and my mum just doesn’t watch it at all, she has something against Korean dramas in general and since the topic of therapy has been around with me lately, it probably put her off more... My sis even said to her that I specifically wanted her to watch it, which really freaked me out. Something I took away from it is that I don’t want to reach the point which the main character was in, I know that sounds really mean and that what she has is different but it scares me to think about it, the extent in which someone would go to avoid interaction and if that someone could end up being me (though I know very well how unlikely that’d be). She lives alone, can’t speak up to anyone, literally runs away from interaction and she does things like grow vegetables in her house so she wouldn’t have to go to the store etc. (That was one of the things my dad was commenting on amusedly and enquiring about). But she also knew how to cook and drive a scooter and she could go out with confidence when in disguise etc. which is so much more independent than I, though she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants to survive.

Uh I shouldn’t be comparing myself to a character lol... or anyone else for that matter... The drama is interesting in a way, but the typical rich snobby characters and cliches irk me. I actually don’t have the energy to watch anything at the moment in general most of the time anyways... it sucks... ><

Something I’ve been thinking about for a long time.... I just feel like maybe knowing what’s wrong, or pushing myself in the direction of what I feel is wrong with me may turn out to be a self fulfilling prophecy and I really wouldn’t want that at all. I need to wise up more and wait for official help, it’s really difficult to not want to self diagnose myself with avpd, though I kind of already have been doing so. I am still waiting for contact about an appointment, and well there’s been nothing so far, seems like it’ll probably be a while before I begin getting anywhere there. It’s disheartening but I can keep being patient and trying on my own still like I have been doing at least.

There’s lots of things I’ve been wanting to do and thinking about them is overwhelming, especially because of how I feel there isn’t enough time because I go about things so slowly. But I know I also waste a lot of time just worrying about it, wallowing is sadness or getting lost in other thoughts. There is enough time, I’m just not using it as much as I could, but it’s really hard with that mental block always being there. I’m thinking of that Confucius quote again, about being slow and it not mattering, it’s pretty nice and reassuring. I haven’t done totally nothing these days, I did quite a few things and maybe none of them are near finished, but if I just push a bit more maybe I’ll do just that. No more pushing myself down and instead let there be more action! I can do it! I can keep going! :D

Wow this post got long lol, but I did write it over quite a few days and w/e I can write whatever and however long I want, stop worrying silly me! This your blog to do with as you like after all! I may not be feeling good right now, but it won’t stop me from doing things. I wanna make awesome stuff and kick ass and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do hoohah! Alrighty, motivation up! Let’s go~~!! C:

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