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#but Pix's is heavy for obvious reasons

josiebelladonna · 1 year

Photo

for my first post of 2023~

january 2013, 139 pounds

——

january 2023, 264 pounds (lost a few over christmas; i plan on gaining about 15 or 20 this year, though, ha!)

there’s not a lot of pix of me from back then, and for a good reason.

there is another pic of me with that nirvana shirt from that era somewhere, and i cannot for the life of me find it. but it’s the one pic of me where you can really see just how thin my face was back then.

i was 19. 19 and scared shitless and angry, angry at herself for always saying yes when she really wanted to say no. 19 and very thin: heavy pixelation or not, you can see how slender my face is, how prominent my chin is, how slim my neck is. what she would do to be the early 2020s version: she would be frightened but intrigued. how did i gain all this weight? how did i get here?

and then i would tell her that i took a leap of faith and gained very slowly over a decade just by eating, pretty much: i mean, part of the healing process from anorexia is eating, but once you get comfortable again (and you will, very quickly, might i add), just eat anything and everything except for what we don’t like, and have it in bigger, multiple helpings, too.

put cream in your coffee, but don’t forget to eat something with the coffee as well (made that mistake once on a school day, i’m never doing that again). give up soda except for special occasions because it’s not good for the skin and it’s always made us jumpy, too.

stuffings are very fun, especially on afternoons when you’re alone in the house so no one can be around to judge you: you don’t want to do them a lot for obvious reasons (hard on the digestion and it’s just courtesy), but it’s very euphoric when it happens, especially when you take the next step in outdoing yourself. you will find favorite foods to gorge on, like pancakes and big fat sandwiches, because they’re healthy but they also make you gain. you will learn little tips and tricks on how to gain healthily, like putting a teaspoon or two of heavy cream into your coffee along with creamer to add more good fat (it’s quite delicious, too), making pancakes with grapeseed oil instead of butter because it’s better for you and it also doesn’t smoke (and you wind up putting a shitload of butter on all 11 pancakes. yes, i said 11 😉), or eating a lot at around 3 in the afternoon and into dinner time to help you gain because of the way the metabolism works.

you’re also going to learn the power of balance: something fatty, with something sugary, with something full of proteins and good carbs, and you might want seconds, too. next thing you know, you have just eaten a bunch of food and you have a very full tum that needs to be gently rubbed—speaking of, belly rubs are incredibly therapeutic and sensual, especially when your belly gets as big as mine.

you’ll want more fried foods, too, like french fries, funnel cake, donuts, and fried chicken and waffles, probably because they’re deemed “sinful”: don’t buy into it. eat those things, they’re yummy! especially chicken and waffles.

sneak extra food when no one’s looking, too: remember we used to do that when we were living with grandma and grandpa and she would give us shit for wanting to eat and grandpa would dismiss her tripe as… well, tripe, and so whenever we were alone, we would take extra cookies from the cookie jar with his blessing? keep doing that but with other things besides cookies: after your second helping of dinner, especially if it’s pasta, sneak in some extra bites for a sort of third helping. have a second sandwich at lunch. hell, just have seconds and thirds—gonna be a while before we get up to fourths, though. but we deserve it.

you’re also going to start calling yourself a “gainer” and you’re going to feel comfortable calling yourself that almost immediately because you’re deliberately gaining weight solo and it just feels right.

you will quite literally feel your belly getting bigger too, like every time you sit down, you’ll feel it very slowly spilling out of your jeans or your underwear. next thing you know, it’s going to push your legs apart and want to hang down to the top of the chair, and it’s actually going to feel really good to you, like there’s something really sexy about having that much belly on you. you sit down and it wants to spill out every which way, oh—oh, my 😏

you will have stretch marks. you will have love handles (and how). you will bounce when you walk, and once you get up to this weight, your belly will resemble to a lava lamp, too, and it’s gonna feel good, like you’re going to be soooo in love with that bouncy feeling because it’s cathartic and hypnotic, and liberating.

it’s very liberating being a gainer girl. everyone will tell you to lose weight and that the real hot babes are the slender ones. but you’ll be artist, cartoonist, comic maker, writer, reader, earth science buff, nuclear science buff, poet, athlete, wannabe playwright and meteorologist, amateur photographer, music fan, car nut, hockey player, baseball player, sorta socialite, and gainer girl all at the same time. you’ll be all those things and more, and our body is at the center of it all. and you’ll see very quickly that they’re sorely mistaken because hotness has no size, and it never should have had a size to begin with. you will also have a very odd but very sensual fascination with your belly button because you’ve repressed feelings about that, too.

also, don’t suck in your gut because there will come a day when you relax... and you look down and you can’t see your toes, and you’ll laugh your head off, too, like “oh my god, i have a potbelly now, this is so good!” because it actually looks really hot on us, and it’s going to look even hotter as we gain more weight.

your body will get very soft and very round, but also very muscular and stout, and your belly will go from a flat, slightly caved washboard to being very round and tubby. moreover, you’re also going to continue to feel your ribs and your hips so you’re going to feel curious about... what lies beyond the 267 mark. yes. you will want to get bigger and bigger because it feels right. it’s what we’ve dreamed of, being chubby. we’re going to get very chubby. maybe even fat. we dreamed of being fat since we were a toddler (remember? we used to pretend to be fat with elizabeth and we’d joke around about eating too much like in some cartoons, and we’d pretend to live in candyland). trust me, we’re not going to be like mom or the rest of the family and be unhappy with extra weight, either: we’re going to be the black sheep, but it’ll be more than worth it.

and despite the snoring (easy fixes for that, almost too easy), the fact we live in a world that likes to body-shame no matter how big or small you are (there’s going to be this woman our age named meghan trainor who’s going to have this huge song next year that’s supposedly body positive... it’s not; it’s skinny shaming and misses the point about being a fab fat girl as well), the fact that clothing designers think anyone over a size 18 has no fashion sense (i’m still trying to get that), and the fact that you’re going to have to feed that big belly every couple of hours even in the middle of the night, you’re not going to want to trade it for the world because... i’m gonna be honest here, it’s like your body wants to be heavy. remember when we hit puberty and it was almost overnight we gained a bunch of weight and there was something kind of hilarious about it? and then we couldn’t believe that we dropped down to 139 pounds at age 19 after we weighed 175 at our high school graduation?

remember? when we were little, and living in the trailer park, and our parents only had so much money on them so we could only eat so much, and we were curious about life with more food available to us, and we would look at our belly and imagine it being big and fat and we actually felt tickled by the thought, remember that? remember in like 8th grade, when we would lay in bed at night, and we would run our hands down our poor, abused stomach and try to think of it as bigger and rounder? don’t repress that anymore: follow it. we imagined being fat out the gate, let’s make it a reality.

you are going to love your potbelly, and you are going to love it so much that you want it bigger, fuller, rounder, because you’re actually going to get really sensual and men and non-straight women from far and wide are going to look at you because they think you’re sexy (and knowing how society is, kinda daring, too): you are going to want to wear tight pants and tight shirts to accentuate its full shape because once a tomboy, always a tomboy.

and trust me when i say this, too: you’ll feel so much healthier with the weight. you know, we always heard bullshit like, “being overweight is a sure-fire way to give you heart disease, cancer, diabetes,” all that, growing up, but you won’t feel like that. in fact, you’ll find that it’s mostly bullshit based on eugenics and white supremacy and sexism—and you’ll find the whole thin obsession and diet culture are recent things, too: overweight, chubby, fat, very fat, and obese women were venerated for as long as humanity has existed, and we find out about this, the whole “breaking the glass ceiling” thing hollywood likes to employ becomes extremely strange.

yes, there are risks associated with obesity, but that doesn’t mean it’ll happen, though, especially if you know your body and use your head (why i gained using good fats like peanut butter, grapeseed oil, and straight butter rather than junk food or margarine). if anything, it’ll be quite the contrary: you’ll feel nourished, and well-fed, and at peace, and you’ll feel sexy, too. your back might hurt a little bit, especially when you get close to 230 but it’ll go away almost as quickly as it came—remember when we were playing hockey and our hips and thighs would hurt all the time? you’ll see that that pain is worse than a little ache in your back from gaining 5 pounds. you will be living proof that this is actually very healthy for someone like you, someone who’s spent her whole life with very little to eat and a very small, malnourished frame when she knew in her heart that it was not her truth.

yes, people will judge you: they will be merciless, they will shame you, especially once your belly starts to bulge out from under your boobs in all its fattening glory. they’ll even be triggered by it (wtf, i know). but it’s really none of their business: they don’t know what it’s like to be us. they don’t know the extent of everything we went through. they don’t know how we feel inside or what goes on in our brains. they don’t see it as a form of healing, a form of making peace with your body and finding a reason to live, and a way of seeing yourself as sexy. they don’t know shit.

i’m getting repetitive with it, but you will feel very sexy with as your weight really starts to balloon and get high up like it is now. it’s a concept that we battled with all year long, because we had a lot of complicated hang ups that were going to be sorted out eventually, but you will have people checking you out and you’ll notice. remember when we were like 14 and someone next to us would say some boy was checking us out but when we looked, there was no one there? that’s a thing of the past, babe. especially since you are going to want to

ahem.

model

that

big

belly.

show it off,

let it go

because

you

are

one

hot babe now. you are a hot fat babe, babe. being overweight will give you the confidence you’ve wanted for so long but couldn’t get. and it’s something you’ve repressed your entire life and yet it’s a part of you, and

you’re going to wonder why we didn’t get big sooner. it’ll be fun. it’ll be delicious and devious and subversive but the best things in life are. we were thin our whole lives and we stared at the end of the road as a result: we will have so much more fun in the opposite direction.

plus, it’s wild to think that that nirvana shirt was like a circus tent on me back then. it was! i remember it hanging over my boobs and the way it rested on my waist made me look matronly, even at that slight weight. i wear it now and my belly hangs out of the bottom without fail.

come to think of it, i remember taking that pic and leaning back in the chair with my eyes fixed on the ceiling and muttering to myself, “i wish i could gain 100 pounds.”

like i said, i’ve pretty much always wanted to be fat, but back then, i didn’t think it’d be possible.

also, i don’t know if it’s from gaining so much weight and my face getting rounder along with everything else or just from getting older, but my eyebrows have this little point to them now: it’s very slight but it’s there. getting away from the madonna look and more into the actual karen carpenter look. godspeed, karen 🕊

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abbatoirablaze · 2 years

Text

Heaven's Demons, Chapter 9

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: jealousy, manipulation, angst, tricks/pranks.

“If Gearz hurts you I’ll fucking kill him.”

Sweetie rolled her eyes at her now ex-boyfriend, “You know how Jake is…he’ll probably be oblivious unless I have an air traffic controller guiding him straight to my vagina.”

Fonz chuckled for a moment at her until his laughter tapered off. He bit his lip as he looked at the woman before him, “this doesn’t mean that I don’t love you…you know that, right?”

“I know…”

“Pixie wanted me to move back in with her…” he admitted, “you can keep the apartment…but if you’re serious about us splitting…I think I’m going to take her up on it…”

“Just don’t abandon our boys, Lucas.”

He leaned forward and took her hand, kissing it, “I won’t do that, Sweetie…only reason it happened with me, and Pix was because we were both avoiding our feelings for each other…the boys suffered for that…”

“I know what an amazing daddy you can be, Lucas…just don’t trip up…okay?”

“I know, Elliana…”

“So…” she said awkwardly, “how do you want to tell the boys?”

Fonz frowned. He hadn’t put much thought into it. He hadn’t thought about how he would explain it to Mikey, Dylan, Cairo, or Lucas.

“I-I don’t know…”

“Do you want to start with our boys?”

He sighed and took a deep breath, “I probably should…since I’m going to be moving all my stuff into Pixie’s place…right?”

She nodded, “yeah.”

Sweetie gave a contented sigh as she pulled Fonz and Pixie another beer while their children played up in Andy’s office with Amelia. They had all spoken to the kids together at the beginning of the week, and they all seemed to be okay with it. They did of course ask if that mean that they would get two birthdays and two Christmas’, even though Sweetie wasn’t the mother of Pixie’s children. But they all shared a laugh and agreed.

“Thanks Sweetie,” Pixie called when she dropped them off. She shot Pix a wink and removed the old glasses, “how’ve the boys been?”

“Surprisingly well,” she laughed, looking between the couple, “and yours?”

Pixie bit her lip and looked to Fonz, who was currently sulking and drinking his beer, “the boys haven’t let us sleep in the same bed without us between them…I think they’re jealous that they have to share me. When we all had that talk together at the beginning of the week I don’t think they realized that meant me and him wanted alone time together.”

“I haven’t gotten laid in weeks.”

“Aww poor baby,” she teased, sticking her tongue out at him. He smiled and she leaned on her elbows, “I know the feeling though, so I sympathize.”

Fonz’ brow lifted, “you and Gearz haven’t?”

But he cut himself off and wiggled his brows. She shook her head, “no…he hasn’t even said more than a few words to me since the concussion.”

Lucas’ brows knit together, “but I thought…”

“What?” she asked, “what did you think, Lucas?”

“Gearz got himself an old lady,” Lucas frowned. He looked back to the door and then to Sweetie, “been talking about her for a week solid and won’t shut the hell up…we all thought he was talking about you.”

“We?”

“The guys…that’s why Barber was surprised a few days ago when you were asking to switch up your schedule.”

She shook her head, “me and Jake aren’t together…”

“Oh fuck.”

“What?” Sweetie asked, turning around.

“I think I know who Gearz is seeing now,” Pixie frowned. Sweetie’s heart dropped when she saw a woman giggling happily in Jake’s arms. But it was a woman that both women recognized.

“Isn’t that…”

“Yup…” Fonz frowned, taking a heavy gulp of his beer, “that’s the prospect’s girl…”

“You mean, that was the prospect’s girl,” Pixie gasped. The trio was shaken into silence as they watched the exchange, where the woman was clearly trying to get in with the club. It was obvious that Johnny wasn’t high enough in it for her, so she jumped to the next available guy, “wasn’t she dating him for like ever?”

“My high school sweetheart,” Johnny grunted as he dropped the bucket of ice before the bar. Sweetie gave him a sympathetic look as she reached for it to dump it in her cooler, “she’s a fucking cheating, lying whore…I hope she catches something and gives it to him.”

“Well damn, prospect, tell me how you really feel.”

“She dumped me at the beginning of the week saying I was too low on the rungs of the club, and that if I had worked harder, I’d be higher,” he growled, “uptight bitch just wants reins over everyone else to make herself feel important cuz she barely passed high school and got kicked off the cheer team because she damn near flunked. Surprised she didn’t try going after Sheriff or Butcher. Both of them are single and high on the totem pole.”

“Damn prospect, calm down.” Pixie teased.

“I know she made a pass at Butcher, but he told her to stop being a whore and pushed her away from him,” Fonz admitted, “and as far as Sheriff, he’s in love with Barber’s little sister…they’ve been on and off longer than most of us have been with the MC. He wouldn’t even think about looking at your ex.”

“Be careful around her,” Johnny warned Sweetie, “I know how you look at Gearz, and I know she’s seen it too. She’ll probably try to put a target on your back.”

“Don’t worry, Johnny…Jake’s not interested in me like that…”

“Yes, he is,” Johnny scoffed, “Gearz is in fucking love with you, Sweetie…”

This time it was her turn to scoff, “no he’s not.”

“He tell you what happened when he got a concussion?”

Sweetie raised her brow, “what do you mean? I was there. He tried to kiss me…I mean…we did kiss, bu-“

Johnny bit his lip, and then started laughing, “you didn’t see him after that, did you?”

“Nooo?” she trailed off, “why? Did something happen?”

“I had to drop off groceries for him, cuz prez and sheriff wanted me to make sure he was still alive…and, well…needless to say, Gearz was pretty hazy…so much so that in his delusions he never thought you left….and that big ass stuffed bear he won you that you left at his place…he ripped a whole in the seam and fucked the hell out of it.”

The trio went dead silent. Sweetie felt like her breath caught in her throat as she spared a glance to the guy that she had a crush on, “J-Jake fucked a stuffed animal thinking it was me?”

“Turned red as a tomato when I asked him why he had it sitting by the garbage can…that’s when I noticed the hole in the crotch,” Johnny laughed, “and also when I saw that he’d had ropes and ropes of dried cum all across its face…Gearz musta went a few rounds with it.”

Sweetie blushed as she looked at the biker once more. He’d had Johnny’s ex on his lap, and they were making out like a couple of teenagers in the booth that he had started cleaning off.

“Well good luck with that,” Pixie frowned, “I mean…”

“So, what your saying is, is that your ex-girlfriend and a teddy bear is Sweetie’s competition to riding Gearz’ disco stick?”

Johnny shrugged and took the empty ice bucket, “Don’t know if it’s the bear she should be worried about is all I’m saying. Trish is a grade-a cunt. She’ll do anything she can to get you outta the way, Sweetie…just be careful.”

“Thanks Johnny,” Sweetie sighed. She placed a hand on Johnny’s bicep and kissed him on the cheek. He gave her a warm smile, “now get your ass back to work before Andy sees you sitting around bullshitting.”

“An hey…if you ever need a biker to warm your bed…I’ll gladly put in an application!” he smirked, shooting Sweetie a wink, “lowest rung on the totem pole, but I know I’d treat ya right, Sweetie…you’re a prize.”

“Alright, prospect,” Pixie giggled, looking between Sweetie and Storm, “shoot your shot, prospect…shot your shot!”

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

Andy frowned as the prospect gritted his teeth, standing in front of the president of the MC.

“We’re down a bartender since Falcon’s girl quit and broke it off with him,” Andy shrugged, “we needed another bartender…Sweetie moved to afternoons for the most part and Jake’s old lady-“

“You mean my ex-girlfriend,” Johnny growled, cutting the man off, “she was my girlfriend before she dumped me for Gearz when she realized that a prospect is a prospect for a year.”

“Well, she’s Gearz old lady now, and you have to be respectful,” Andy grunted, “and she’s the newest bartender, so you gotta learn to work with her!”

“Did you even ask what Sweetie thought about it?”

“Sweetie doesn’t have anything to do with it.”

“She tell you about how Gearz kissed her when he had a concussion?” Johnny asked, “or that Sweetie and Fonz broke up because she told Fonz she’s in love with him? I know my sneaky bitch of an ex, and I know that she’ll try to manipulate every single one of you to get her way…and with the way Gearz still sneaks those looks at Sweetie, that whore will put her head right on the chopping block.”

“I think you need to calm down, Storm…” Andy chuckled, looking at the prospect, “look…you’ll see when she comes in and starts getting trained that it doesn’t mean nothing. Sweetie said that she will train her this weekend, and then during the week she’ll be on afternoons so I can have us open as more than just takeout for lunch.”

“I’m telling you Andy…Trish is trash.”

“You dated her first, kid…she can’t be all that bad!”

It was only eight PM and Johnny hadn’t stopped running for a single second. Trish had come in with Jake and met up with Sweetie around four, where she gave her the basic rundown of the menu and then explained the setup of the tables and everything. Then, she told her that she would be the running waitress and at the quick-serv station at the end, and she would run her drinks to tables.

But it hadn’t gone well. She’d spent more time flirting with Jake when they first opened, citing that she didn’t know how to make drinks, ignoring as Sweetie tried to tell her how to make them, only to have Jake make them after he finished serving his side of the bar.

Which in turn made the customers that Sweetie was trying to get drinks out to very angry. So around seven, Sweetie would jump behind the bar, trying to show her, but Jake would scold her when she’d pout, saying that she wasn’t giving her a chance to learn.

Around the fourth time, Johnny had noticed Sweetie become visibly deflated. No longer was she smiling and giggling. Nor was the air around her seeming to feel light and fluffy. She tried dropping the tickets off to Jake, but he would only scold her more, stating that they had to go to Trish.

“Trish…”

Sweetie frowned even more as the blonde twirled a strand of her bleached hair around her finger, only to glare at Sweetie when she waved her over.

“What is it?”

“I need two cosmos, a Miller Light draft, and a Mule.”

Trish only rolled her eyes and walked away from her, grabbing the necessary glassware. And for a second, the smallest of smiles tugged at Sweetie’s lips as it felt like Trish was finally taking her training seriously. That was until she finished up the fourth drink. Trish slammed the beer down on the tray as Sweetie was lifting it, causing the beer to not only splash her, but the other three drinks to tip back towards Sweetie and drench her.

“Oh my god, Elliana, what are you doing?” Trish screeched. Jake was quick to rush over to her. She pouted and looked at him, holding out the two small drops of beer on her arm, “Jakey, she spilled her drinks all over me!”

“Ohhh Trish, are you okay?” Jake asked quickly. He seemed oblivious to the drenched, smaller woman who was literally dripping behind his new girlfriend. He reached behind himself and grabbed a rag, wiping the beer off her arm, “what hap-“

“I think she did it on purpose,” the blonde sniffled, cutting him off as she threw herself into his arms. The entire atmosphere of the bar seemed to quiet as she cried against Jake, while Sweetie blinked, realizing that more sets of eyes were falling on her, “she did it because she’s mad, I’m a better bartender than her!”

As Jake tried to calm down his new girlfriend, he missed how Sweetie quietly put down her tray, and squeaked down the hall, leaving a trail of alcohol behind her. Johnny, however, rushed after the smaller woman, and notice her wiping her eyes as she dipped into the women’s restroom.

Chapter 10

Tag list: @lohnes16, @elbell20-blog, @stockholmdolly, @terrormonster55, @dontbescaredtosingalong

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mutants-and-soldiers · 3 years

Text

Lovely Dissonance {Part 4}

summary || After a long hiatus, you've decided to throw yourself back into your one passion: Singing. It's been a rocky road since the accident but you're ready to get back onto your feet and brush off those singing chops that have been put to the side. You just don't expect to find something more than just a fulfilling career.

pairing || singer!Bucky x singer!Reader x pianist!Steve

word count || 2000

warnings || Musician AU, future polyamory, Nightmares, Trauma, Healing, Body insecurities, depression, PTSD, scars, harassments, body shaming, hurt/comfort

notes || This is my entry for @gotnofucks Body Positivity Challenge

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Also on Ao3

Divider by Gordon Jordon on Pix

The club was underground, which Bucky could tell you thought was impressive. He kept a tight grip on your hand to help her down the stone stairs. You wrapped your arm back up in the crook of his elbow when they came to a door. There was a big bouncer there in period clothing.

“Sergeant Barnes, what a surprise,” the man said with a heavy New York accent. “Did ya come ta hear Captain Rogers play?”

“Brought a new friend to see the club, too,” Bucky answered, gesturing to you on his arm.

The man looks at you and gives a low whistle. “Hot damn, if I weren’t workin’ I’d ask you to dance,'' he smiled, wiggling his eyebrows a bit.

It made you laugh but it made Bucky feel a spike of possessiveness. It was usually something he only felt with Steve so it took him by surprise. As nice as Ben was, he definitely didn’t want him laying a finger on you.

“Now, now, she’s my date for the night so hands off, Ben,” Bucky said with a joking tone.

Ben playfully scoffed. “You hot bisexual guys gotta leave something for the rest of us!” he laughed, the loud sound echoing off the walls.

“Not likely,'' Bucky bantered as the man opened the door so they could enter the club.

Bucky gives you a moment to take in the classy joint. There was a bar to the side, tables set out with comfortable looking chairs and beautiful lights hanging from the ceiling that gave the place a dim, intimate feel. At the front of the space was a raised stage where the band sat playing an upbeat tune. There was a dance floor just in front of the stage where people were dancing.

Leading you to the bar, Bucky ordered some drinks before heading to a table. If Steve looked up, he would instantly see the two of you from where he sat at the piano. The man’s hands danced across the keys, which is one of the many reasons Bucky had fallen for the guy when he was a scrawny punk who picked fights.

Steve definitely could have gone to a conservatory on a full ride after high school but he had joined the military instead. His Ma had been sick so joining the military was his way of making money to support her. Selfless was an understatement in regards to Steven Grant Rogers. Looking over at his date, you were watching the blond sweetly too.

Surprisingly, it didn’t make him jealous, the obvious admiration in your eyes. The two of you just seemed to fit whenever you were together. Bucky had watched the two of you stand shoulder to shoulder while washing dishes or laughing on the couch and even when he had peeked out to see you wrapped up in Steve’s arms last night. None of it had bothered him, not like the numerous eyes on Steve now.

He glanced at you as you sipped the drink and wondered what made you different. You weren’t what people would consider conventionally beautiful. There were 'masculine' features to your face that others wouldn't necessarily consider pretty and you had obviously gained weight since your debut in Spring Awakening. It also didn't help that you wore such shapeless clothes half the time so no one could see the shape of your body, or that you covered every bit of your skin but your face. This was the first time you had worn something form fitting and he had to admit that your body, while not what society deemed 'perfect', was very obviously feminine. You had curves with your full breasts, rounded hips and powerful thighs.

Ever since you had stepped out of your room earlier, he hadn't been able to take his eyes off of you.

Even with all of the 'flaws' that Fury must have seen to deem you unappealing, your singing voice was next to none. He already knew he had fallen for Steve because of his immense talent on the piano. Maybe watching the two of you perform together so seamlessly during the audition like you’d been doing it for years is what made you different.

Steve’s blue eyes looked up at the end of the piece and Bucky smiled at the surprised look the blond gave at seeing the two of you. His eyes looked to you when you waved. The pianist gave you both a bright smile, obviously happy.

Bucky leaned over to get closer to you. “Go grab him an old fashioned from the bar,” he whispered, watching Steve’s eyes dart between the two of you.

You stand up to go get the drink. Steve watched you walk away, eyes trailing the length of your form. He looked back over and mouthed, “Wow,” to Bucky.

“I know right?” he mouthed back.

Yet again, it should make him jealous the way Steve’s eyes follow you as you move through the crowd to get to the stage. He leaned down to take the drink, casting an annoyed look towards Bucky who gave an innocent smile and wave. They exchanged a few words then Steve kissed your cheek before you walked away.

The distinctive embarrassment on your face let him know how caught off guard you were by the gesture. “He said you’re a jerk.”

Steve held up the drink when Bucky looked up before focusing back on the band leader. “Punk,” he said fondly, sipping his own drink. A low, easy song starts and Bucky sets the cup down and quickly grabs your hand. “Come on, they’re playing our song, doll!”

It seems like you might object but don't and follow him to the dance floor. You hesitate but place your hand on his and rests the other on his shoulder. He wrapped his metal arm around your waist to pull your bodies together. You tense up at first, looking a little unsure about being pressed against him.

Bucky, on the other hand, instantly enjoyed the way your body felt against his. You were soft and pliant against his hard body, creating quite the juxtaposition. He could feel your supple belly pressed against the hard lines of his abs and instantly loved it. He started to move and, despite your earlier comment, you fell right into step. You followed like a dream, easily allowing yourself to be moved across the dance floor.

“You know,” he leaned down to whisper into your ear. “For someone with a bad leg, you’re a great dancer.” Even in the dim lighting, he could see the gentle bow curve of your smile and couldn’t look away. He thought about what it would feel like to kiss those lips before shaking the impulse away.

You relaxed against him, wrapping your arm around his neck to get more comfortable. “I lied about not being able to dance," you mumbled, embarrassed. “I do have a bad leg but it doesn’t hurt much anymore.”

“Let me know if it starts to hurt,” he smiles, making eye contact with Steve over your head. He had an intense look in his eyes that made it seem like he...liked watching you dance together. It made Bucky’s skin prickle with anticipation.

“Are you sure Steve doesn’t care that we’re dancing?” you asked, glancing over at the pianist.

Bucky could understand why you would think that with how he was watching. He knew better. Steve was definitely enjoying the show they were unwittingly putting on for him. Bucky got the feeling he wasn’t going to get much sleep tonight.

“Trust me, he’s fine with it,” Bucky smiles.

You visibly relax and seem to finally believe him. Too soon, the song ended and Bucky took your arm to lead back to their table to sit down and finish your drinks.

“I’ll get us another round,” Bucky said as he took the glasses back to the bar.

By the time he turned back to the table, some guy had taken his spot. Bucky felt his shoulders tense up and possessiveness flood through him. Your back was to him so he couldn’t tell what you were feeling. He took the walk back over to the table to calm himself down. You had every right to dance and talk with whomever you pleased.

He was a few steps away when the guy grabbed your arm. Bucky felt his blood boil at the audacity of the guy. He loudly slammed the glasses down, shaking the table.

“Hands off,” he basically growled.

The guy jerked his hand away as if he’d been burned. “Woah buddy, calm down! I was just askin’ the lady for a dance,” he said while holding up his hands. “She said you weren’t her man so why you so angry?”

Bucky’s prosthetic whirled when he clenched his fist. “Doll," he asked, changing his tone so it was gentle and sweet. "You want to dance with this guy?”

“No, I told him that but he wouldn’t listen,” you answered with an angry look on your pretty face. It was the first time he had ever seen you make a look like that and he quite liked it. You had, so far, been docile and sheepish. He liked seeing you asserting yourself. “Fuck off.”

Bucky had to admit he wasn’t expecting you to cuss at the guy. It seemed he wasn’t the only one because the guy seemed to get the not so subtle hint finally. He gave you a nasty look as he walked away, whispering, “Fat ass, bitch.”

Bucky was about to go after him but your hand on his arm stopped the movement. “Ignore him, I’d rather dance,” you smiled even though it didn’t quite reach your eyes.

Bucky allowed himself to be taken out onto the dance floor. He wrapped you up in his arms, smiling when you rested your head on his shoulder. He could feel the softness of your hips under his arm, indicating extra weight there but he had never thought to consider you fat. Truthfully, he couldn't help but think of the iconic statue of the fertility goddess in that moment. You weren't quite that big, obviously, but no one looked at that statue and thought: "Fat ass, bitch." No, that was the avatar of femininity. How had society veered so far from that to...it made him livid that you had been called that.

Leaning down, he accidentally brushed his lips against your ear. He noted the way you shivered at the intimate touch. “You’re not fat. Don’t let that jerk get in your head,” he whispered, holding you just a little tighter.

You were quiet for too long, basically clinging to him. He tried to catch a glimpse of your face but you wouldn't let him. It wasn’t until he felt a tap on his shoulder that he found Steve standing there. “Mind if I cut in?” he asked with that award winning smile.

You lifted your head and let yourself be transferred over to the blond. “Hey, gorgeous,” he murmured to you as Bucky walked back to the table.

He sipped his drink and watched the two sway to the slow, saxophone heavy song. Bucky could see the blond was talking to you with a sweet smile on his handsome face. Steve had a way with soothing insecurities until they seemed silly. Bucky would know, there had been a lot of insecurities after he lost his arm.

Steve had been the one to pull him out of his depression after leaving the military. It had been during that time that they admitted their feelings for one another. The rest was history.

He had never thought he’d be so comfortable watching the blond dance so intimately with another person. But as they swayed, Bucky felt a stirring. It made him a little embarrassed when his mind drifted into inappropriate territory. He imagined what it would look like if they kissed.

He could see your delicate hands fisting in Steve’s vest, head tilted up as the man ravished you. Bucky blinked, cursing under his breath at the problem he now had. He thought gross, unsexy thoughts until it went away.

Thankfully, he fixed it in enough time for Steve to escort you back to the table. “I have to get back up there,” he said, kissing your head before coming over to do the same to Bucky.

You were very relaxed after that, laughing and enjoying the night. The two of you danced a few more times and by the time you had finished your third drink, your smile was wider, more genuine, and when you laughed, you tilted your head back and even snorted a few times, which Bucky found incredibly endearing.

Bucky decided to get you home at around midnight. The three of you had rehearsal in the morning so he didn’t want to be out too late. “Come on, doll, let’s get you home,” he laughed, helping you stand when you wobbled a little. He gestured with his head to Steve to let him know they were going before heading to the door.

He helped you get into the taxi and told the driver where to go. You cuddled up to his side, wrapping an arm under his. Your head leaned against his shoulder so that he got a whiff of your herbal shampoo mixing with Steve’s woodsy cologne. He felt that stirring again at the combination but held it together.

You squeezed his metal arm tightly. “Thanks for tonight,” you said softly, breath caressing down the skin of his chest where his buttons were open. He hoped you were too tipsy to see the goosebumps that popped up across his chest. “I haven’t had fun like that in a long time.”

He smiled to himself. “You’re welcome. Thanks for being my date.”

You laughed lightly, the sound a little breathless. “I haven’t danced since the accident,” you said softly.

“Accident?” he asked, looking down at you. Your eyes were closed and your breathing had evened out. He sighed, brushing a piece of hair away from your eyes. “What the hell happened to you?”

Taglist: @ladydmalfoy @spookyparadisesheep @chcblndnrd75 @buckypcrker

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shadlad24 · 3 years

Text

Five Funny Little Moments #4: Cradle of Hope

So, as a more comedic episode, this one too was at once easier and harder than it could have been. heh Ah well. + Pix first again!

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Is this code or something? Did Gabrielle sleep on top of Xena, cuddle-cuddle, and they’re just trying to play it cool? XD

Or, perhaps, peanuts? Twice-impeached presidents? #SuperTimelyReference

Well, I mean… You did ask, sweet pea. Dumb question; dumb answer? XD [Can we also note how Xena just stands back while Gabrielle, who’s HOLDING A GIANT INFANT, goes to, kneels down beside, and unties Pandora? Then Gabrielle has to carry Pandora’s heavy bag, in addition to the baby. WHY? Then, then, as soon as she rids herself of her burdens, Xena (STILL standing around doing nothing, by the way) makes her sidekick go and get her saddlebag.* Heh Poor GabbyWabbit/pack mule. Ooh! Is competition the real reason Argo disliked Gabrielle at first? XD]

LOL, this guy, now! So easily amazed. Not to mention, REALLY bad at recognizing people. …Is that a theme in this show? I mean, Nemos just met with the infamous warrior princess a few hours prior to her dance, she didn’t even bother changing her hairstyle or way of moving during her performance and then spoke to dude again at length in his bedchamber, and he still had no idea who she was. XD

And this last part is an obvious choice… uuuuntiiiil you get to the LOLzy moment highlighted at the end. How did the visual continuity editor(s) not notice it? (Then again, they’re REALLY bad at their jobs on this show, overall. ’Tis another of its charms. XD)

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*If you really want the extra pix, then:

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modosphere · 6 years

Text

About A Girl: Chapter Three

Kaiser Medical Clinic Manhattan, New York

She was awake when he left.

Mara knew she would have woken up beforehand; she knew what she was like on anaesthetic. After Danyal had all but dragged her to the hospital, she’d been diagnosed with a hernia caused by not looking after herself properly after the transplant surgery - and within a few hours, she’d been in theatre. Mara wasn’t even sure what time of the day it was. But she was properly awake now and, hearing a small sigh from the corner beside her before the door closing quietly shut, her eyes flew open and she grimaced slightly as she sat up a little in her bed.

Dany had stayed with her. The whole time. He’d even stayed during her stomach being examined by the doctor - a Doctor Kaiser who, Mara was sure, was exactly the clinic’s namesake - when she’d told him not to, which had led to her clutching onto his hand as she tried not to cry out in pain. Even when she’d first been wheeled out of surgery, she knew he’d been there; she couldn’t remember much, just his voice… And a hand on her forehead.

You know. The exact kind of thing she didn’t want to remember.

Grimacing slightly and placing a hand over where she could only feel a dull ache, Mara leant over to the small table and picked up her phone, collapsing against the pillows as it rang. She purposefully ignored the arm chair beside it, a messy hospital blanket splayed across the seat.

“The fact you’re calling me means you’re not on a flight, which means you’re not coming, which means your drama with my idiot cousin means you’re not attending my wedding-”

“Pixie, please.” Mara groaned, her limbs still feeling heavy. She tapped the loudspeaker and prayed Danyal wouldn’t be back anytime soon. She didn’t think he’d left the hospital - not for a second - but that confidence was confusing, and her brain felt foggy enough already from the anaesthetic. “Have you spoken to Zarina yet? Danyal said he’d call her.”

“Some shitty excuse about you being hospitalised?” Pixie asked haughtily - but Mara smiled slightly, at the tiny glimpse of concern she’d heard. “Yes. You’re an idiot.” There was a small pause. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I just can’t do much for a few weeks. But I promised I’d show off my badass dancing skills for the wedding and I promise you, it’ll happen. It just means I need to take it easy here first. I’ll still help from here however I can.”

“You’re still coming?” Mara mumbled in agreement, still smiling as she heard the hope in Pixie’s voice. “Well… Then of course you should look after yourself. Be careful.” Mara shook her head slightly, as she practically heard Pixie throw her hair over her shoulder. “Obviously you can’t be ill and like, embarrass me or whatever. What’s even wrong with you?”

“I had a hernia repair.”

“A hernia? Don’t old men get that? Why do you have one?”

“I’m extraordinarily special and I decided I needed to steal some of the limelight away from your Bridezilla routine.” Mara teased, shifting slightly to be more comfortable. Her throat was a little dry and her head was still not great, but she’d be fine. In fact, she didn’t feel any pain at all. “Actually… Pix, do you have a few seconds? To talk?”

On the other side of the phone, sitting in traffic in Pakistan, Pixie hesitated as she looked up at the gigantic Centurion Mall - two towering blocks of every shopaholic’s dream - fast approaching.

“Of course.” Pixie lied, twirling her finger in the rear-view mirror, motioning for the chauffeur to turn around. Pixie guiltily ignored his look of long-suffering. They’d been stuck in traffic heading towards the Centurion for the past forty-five minutes. It didn’t matter. Mara only ever called when something was wrong - and seeing as she was calling from a hospital bed, Pixie was placing bets that there was more going on than usual. “How can I help?”

This time, it was Mara who hesitated.

She’d lost a lot of friends, in becoming Mrs Danyal Zafar. To all of the friends she’d grown up with or made in New York, before meeting Dany… She’d changed. Mara had been bitter about it at first, angry even - and maybe a part of her still was, at the unfairness of it all - but… She understood now why they’d thought that. She and Danyal, for lack of a better term, had been building their brand. Everyone was supposed to fall for it. If they’d done a good enough job to fool the Zafars, even now, was she surprised that her friends had, too?

Not to say it wasn’t… Shitty. She hadn’t noticed the distance so much when she and Danyal had still been playing their stupid, stupid game, but… Once she’d left, after the wedding, the absence had become… Obvious.

It had been a lonely few years.

It was why she hated being back in New York; hated actually seeing Raj and Pixie, rather than just texting them, even bickering with Ari again. It was so easy to fall into the old routine, but it was just a constant reminder of everything she’d faked and lost to get it - when even that wasn’t as simple as it should have been.

She didn’t have anyone to talk to about any of this. There was TJ, sure, but… After everything that had gone down with Divvy since the wedding, Mara felt like it was almost cruel to keep bringing it up. Not to mention there were some things he just… Couldn’t understand. No therapist would be paid enough, or have the patience, to follow the complications of Mara’s history, let alone understand it. Her family were more in the dark than the majority of the Zafars were. There was nobody to talk to, nobody to ask for guidance, to ask if she’d grown - except the people in it, the people Mara resented for being a part of something that trapped her.

At least, that’s how you felt before, Mara reminded herself. You’ve changed. You’ve grown. You spoke to Danyal.

Mara immediately frowned at herself. Spoke was a push at best.

As much as Mara wanted to be fiercely independent, to not need to talk to anyone… She’d spent the last few years doing that. And it had been fun! It had. It had been good for her and forced her to see things and understand things she hadn’t wanted to, things she would have always found excuses to avoid.

The problem with that was that now she was running out of things to keep her busy. Some things just needed confronting.

And Pixie was as close as she had to a friend.

“Do you remember when you asked me the real reason why I left Danyal when I did? After the wedding?”

“And you fed me some bullshit excuse about a moment of clarity between throwing up vodka shots?” Pixie snorted - before pausing and settling comfortably into her seat as her chauffeur headed for the motorway. “…Yes. I take it I’m about to hear the real story? This is exciting…”

Mara frowned, glancing at the closed door of her room again.

“Maybe a bit too much, Pix.”

Red Light District SoHo, London Three Years Ago

“I cannot believe you just did that.”

“Oh, relax.” Samara giggled, stumbling slightly on her studded red Valentino’s. Immediately, Danyal’s arms went out to steady her - but she avoided them, just about regaining her balance, before standing in the middle of the street and continuing to laugh at herself some more. With a frustrated clench of his jaw, Dany kept walking. “Oh, what is your problem? We were having fun-”

“Fun?” Danyal repeated, whirling around to face her. “You, alongside with everyone else’s significant other, got onto the stage and started dancing with the-”

“With the pole dancers? Strippers? Or are you going to be diplomatic and call them exotic?” Mara snorted, using air quotes above her - before giggling to herself some more. “Get over yourselves! All of you! What, you drag us all to a strip club for drinks-”

“I didn’t know we were going-”

“And all of the significant others, girls and boys alike, are meant to sit there meekly and not have our own fun?” Mara snorted. “I saved the night! You saw how much fun we had up there on stage, everyone loved us-”

Dany clenched his fists and kept walking, trying his best to drown her out.

“Oh, oh, what’re you going to say now, hmm?” Mara called after him. Reluctantly, he pulled to a stop - she was getting louder and with the silence around them, it only seemed worse. “That I embarrassed you? Is that it?”

“I never said that.” Danyal muttered, more to himself than Mara. Unluckily for him, she happened to hear.

“Is that why we had to run out and leave so early? Why you needed me to make excuses for you?” Mara pouted, stopping in the middle of the road again. Thankfully, it was mainly deserted - it was almost 3am and although the rest of SoHo was still buzzing, where they’d parked was a small ocean of silence. Just a few steps in front of them, the car - a deep red Corvette, parked by some greenery - waited and Danyal could have jumped for relief upon seeing it. “Because your ego got bruised that, seeing as we’re not at the turn of the century, you and your Neanderthals couldn’t just ogle at those dancers in peace? At least we all gave you a show, it’s not my fault you’ve got the goods and are now too afraid to touch them - well, me, I mean, obviously -”

“Get in the car.” He muttered, unlocking it as they approached. Not bothering to check on her behind him, he opened the passenger door - but instead, Mara stayed where she stood a few feet away, swaying slightly in her shoes. Dany sighed. “Samara, please, can you just get into the car? Please?”

And then, much to his relief, she slowly began to walk towards him…

… Before slamming the door he’d been holding open shut and snatching the keys from his fingers, twirling them on her own.

“You’re absolutely ridiculous if you think you’re driving in this state.” Danyal told her coolly, trying his very best to not be antagonised. Once he showed he was… It was game over. He knew her when she was like this; she was mischievous and if he didn’t play his cards right, they’d be out here all night, bickering like schoolchildren because Drunk Samara found it funny.

“Is that the real reason?” Samara asked, her eyes glinting in the light. Dany stared down at her impatiently as she stepped closer. “It is, isn’t it? I was right when I gave that crappy excuse when I saw you were on the verge of a tantrum. That’s why you’re pissed.” Mara laughed as Dany’s jaw clenched. He was so easy to irritate. She stepped closer again, closing the distance between them and draping an arm over his shoulder. Dany sighed and stared off at something in the distance - but no, no, that was no fun! Placing her fingers on his cheek, she forced him to face her. “You saw us all goofing around on that stage, saw everyone watching, and you hated it.” She moved closer still, her voice dropping slightly. Underneath her arm, she felt Dany’s shoulders tense. “Because in that moment, all you wanted… Was for me to be doing that with just you watching, in our bedroom.” Samara murmured, so close now that her chest was brushing against his. “That’s the real reason, right?” She tilted her head slightly, triumph radiating from her as soon as Dany looked away again. “Or am I wrong?”

The last few words were whispered, her breath - smelling sweet, with an alcoholic tinge - warm on his neck.

He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t have.

He showed weakness - he swallowed.

Mara’s smirk grew.

“You know, if you want me so badly,” Mara continued conversationally, balancing on his shoulders now. Automatically, Dany went to steady her as she leaned into him - and cursed himself silently for falling for the trap, when his hands found the bare skin of her sides, warm and with curves that perfectly fit into his hands. “I’m right here.”

Mara raised an eyebrow as Dany’s facade broke - the perfectly blank, almost bored expression making way for pure confusion and wide eyes.

“You’re - you’re drunk.” Dany said uncertainly, careful to keep her at arms distance. Mara only smiled. “Just - just get into the car and you can - sleep it off-”

“You know, I kind of just don’t feel like doing that?” Mara hummed.

He clamped his mouth shut as, eyes on him, Mara sauntered over to the car and sat on the hood.

They said nothing for a few moments, challenging each other silently. Daring the other to make another move, to try and be in control.

She wasn’t wrong. Of course she wasn’t - and they both knew it, the same way they both knew that the way she was sitting on the damned hood of the car was to show off her legs.

She didn’t look beautiful tonight. Well, she did - of course she did, she always did to Dany -, but this was more than that. So… Much more.

They’d had to share the bedroom at the Zafar house while the other members of the family were still there; but they’d barely spoken when not in public and certainly not touched. She needed her space. Danyal understood that. After everything that had happened at the wedding, he was amazed she was still there at all - and he wasn’t some kind of animal, he could control himself. Of course he’d wait.

But he’d been so preoccupied with Mara’s feelings, that he’d forgotten everything else.

Until he’d seen her on that stage.

He’d known, as she’d swayed her hips in time to the music and elicited hoots of approval from customers and dancers alike, that she’d been doing it for him. To piss him off, to get his attention. If he’d doubted the attention part before, he certainly wasn’t now.

He didn’t want to look at her the way he was right then. He didn’t. But he couldn’t help himself.

Because she’d been right.

She was in short black dungarees, a tight-fitting cropped white T-shirt that showed off her dancer’s body and siren red lipstick to match her high heels. Now, Dany watched as she pulled her hair from the messy ponytail she’d kept it in, shaking it slightly at the roots as it fell into natural, tousled waves.

He hated how he couldn’t look away. It was a game. This was all some kind of game.

And yet… A part of him was desperate to keep playing it.

“You’re really pretending to not think about it?” Mara finally asked knowingly.

“You’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re saying.” Dany replied robotically. What did he do? What was happening? What did he do?

Mara smirked again.

“I’m really not as drunk as I’m letting you think I am.”

He wished.

“If you were sober at all, you would not be suggesting…” His confidence faltered as he struggled to find the right words, Mara watched him with raised eyebrows. “You wouldn’t be coming up with this kind of… Plan.” He finished feebly.

“No, if anything, it proves how aware I am. It’s ideal, really.” Mara told him, crossing one leg over the other and leaning on her arms. Danyal pretended to look down the road, rather than acknowledge how long her legs looked in front of him. Supermodel legs. “I mean, we’re both incredibly frustrated at how things have turned out, aren’t we? Me in my gilded cage, you my keeper.”

Danyal rolled his eyes.

“This is a way of… Releasing that frustration.” She shrugged - before walking towards him. Dany crossed his arms over his chest, helpless as he watched the car keys disappear into her back pocket. Maybe it was hope - maybe he was just imagining things - but for a split second, his mind registered that she wasn’t as wobbly on her feet as before. “I think it’s really rather sensible. Well done me.”

Dany shook his head, as Mara stared up at him from underneath those damned eyelashes, chewing on the inside of her lip.

“Whatever point it is you think you’re trying to prove-” Dany clamped his mouth shut as Mara yanked him forward by the belt loop of his jeans.

“I don’t need to prove a point, you already did it for me by manoeuvring that hot mess people are calling a wedding.” Mara said sweetly, biting back further amusement as Dany did everything he could to avoid eye contact. The empty road was so interesting! Or the tree in the corner. Fuck, even the dirt underneath his shoe. It was frustrating because Dany didn’t quite know why he couldn’t look at Samara… And yet he knew the more space between them, the better. “I know you find me attractive and I know the only thing that stopped you before was this knight complex you have going on-”

This time, Dany did look at her - with incredulity. “What? That’s what you think?”

“- but you quite nicely sorted out that little problem for your already questionable conscience by putting a ring on it, so let me reassure you-” She yanked on the belt loop again slightly, jerking Dany forwards so that their faces were inches apart. The street lamps behind them meant half of his face was in shadow and there was a cold breeze that made her shiver against his body - something that didn’t go unnoticed, seeing as Dany’s whole body seemed to tense. “- I am a little drunk, but only enough to know that I would be too proud to say this sober.” No reaction. Mara sighed. “Let me put it this way - I want someone’s hands on me and it’d be in your best interests for those hands to be yours.”

Dany’s face remained the same - that frustrating impassive -, but Mara smirked to herself as she felt his breathing get heavier against her chest.

“Why do I feel like I’ll regret this later?” Dany finally said - and just like that, Mara’s mouth went from a smirk to a full blown, Cheshire cat smile. “So what’s your plan? You won’t get in the car-”

“I mean, we’re standing in the middle of SoHo, if we ever got really desperate, there are at least several street corners we could disappear into and nobody would bat an eyelid.” Mara quipped - and even though it was the very last thing he wanted to do, as their eyes met, Dany couldn’t help but match the smile Mara too was trying to fight, at her own quick humour.

The smiles faded as their eyes stayed on each other.

Mara’s breathing… Stuttered slightly as, as carefully as if she were made of glass, Dany’s hands moved from her hips to her ass, pushing the two of them closer.

Mara’s slapped her hands over his as his fingers spread, ignoring the tingling she suddenly felt from her throat down to her ankles.

“Nice try, but you don’t get those keys until you pick a side.”

Dany’s eyes narrowed as Mara stared up at him in defiance. The tips of his little fingers were brushing against where denim ended and skin began and, unthinkingly, they began to trace small circles.

It could have been seconds. It could have been minutes. Who knew?

“Oh, fuck this.” Dany finally muttered - and Mara laughed into his mouth as she found it smashed against hers.

Within seconds, she was squashed between Danyal’s body and the cold car, her back automatically arching as she shivered into him from the icy metal.

They were kissing. This was happening.

His stubble was rough and chafed against her cheek as he kissed her, her rings scratching against his scalp as her fingers tangled in his hair; they scrambled against the, their whereabouts forgotten, to push Mara up higher so that her legs could wrap around his waist, making her hum in approval as, once successful, she felt his torso, strong and firm, against the bare inside of her thighs through his thin shirt.

He smelt like the smoke of the strip club and his own aftershave, like a damned warning, every breath of it she took in reminding her that this was a terrible, stupid choice - but that was what somehow made it better, what made her kiss him harder and pull him tighter and press her pelvis up against his chest before she could think better of it.

Fuck who saw them. Fuck what they were doing, fuck how complicated everything was. For every reason she could think of to stop, the feeling of Danyal’s hot tongue in her mouth and how their bodies writhed against each other with each move of it was a reason to carry on. She was breathless; they both were, kissing furiously and not pausing, because if they did the spell might break and that was the last thing either one of them wanted. No more reality. No more thinking.

His hands were all over her, ass to the bare skin of her waist, to the inside of her thighs and back again. She couldn’t keep her eyes open - but when they did flutter at the feeling of Dany dragging his lips down her neck, his stubble grazing the path, she could only see her wedding ring glinting in the darkness from where it rest against his cheek, keeping him in place as he moved.

He was rough, but not too rough - he pulled her by the roots of her hair to give him more access to her neck, but only hard enough to leave her grinding her hips against his chest again, her hands gripping him by the waist. Every time they moved against each other, he made a small grunt as her heels pressed into his behind and every time he did, Mara couldn’t help a smug smile.

“You’re a - you’re an - an - asshole.” Mara managed to say between silent gasps, gripping the back of his neck with all of the strength she had. He was. He was a fucking nightmare, this was all of his fault, this whole damned mess was his fault - and she was proven right, right by how he smirked into their next kiss, their kisses so hard that it felt like they were both bruising each other. That’s what it felt like. A million bruises, each one packing its own punch, a sensory overload that took her out of her own head, one that she didn’t want to stop. “Put - put me d- the car -”

Dany nodded - but neither one of them moved, still tangled in each other, their surroundings silent save for the sounds of their lips messily moving against one another and their bodies writhing against the car.

When Dany finally let go, Mara threw him the keys - and seeing one another like that, seeing Dany’s hair sticking up in odd places and with red lipstick smudged all over the both of them, made their eyes sparkle with lust.

“So you fucked him in the red Corvette?” Pixie gasped, scandalised. “That is my favourite car, you tramp-”

Back in New York, Mara began to splutter at the phone in horror.

“Wh - I - no! No!” She said quickly. Why had she decided to tell Pixie this, again?! “No, no, we did not fuck in the Corvette, oh my God, Pix!”

“Well, then, what happened next? Details, now, I honestly didn’t know my cousin had it in him-”

Mara grimaced at her use of the word cousin.

“No. No more details.” She muttered, the anaesthetic - and the memory - leaving a horrible taste in her mouth. There was something nasty about remembering it in the harsh light of the hospital room. The few times she’d allowed herself to remember were… Were times when she’d been alone, in the dark and in bed, using the memory recreationally and knowing full well the disgust and embarrassment she’d feel for it afterwards.

Except, unfortunately, now it was too late to just stick back into a box in the back of her head.

She remembered it all.

The way their lips had met again within seconds of slamming the car doors shut behind them. How Danyal had almost crashed three times on the drive back, speeding and skipping red lights, as she’d deliberately stared at him, breathing heavy, as her hand had slipped under her dungarees (Mara cringed to think it). They hadn’t even made it up the stairs without her dungarees being left in a puddle behind them.

Mara felt her face go hot underneath her hands. Uuuurgh, she hated herself.

“So is this the real reason why you stopped drinking?”

Peering between her fingers, Mara stared at the phone incredulously.

“Um, yes, is that not enough of a reason?” Mara huffed. “I - I - I woke up the next day, realised what an utter… Moron I’d been and I got the Hell out of there-”

“Why are you telling me this, Sammy? Hmm?” Pixie was the only person to call Samara Sammy, the same way Mara was the only one to call Pixie Pix. She sighed. “What? You want to do it again? Pick up where you left off?”

“Is this not weird for you to even say out loud?” Mara groaned. “How can you be so - so… No, I don’t want a repeat, I just-”

“Oh my God, you so do, I can hear how thirsty you are and I’m a continent away.” Pixie cackled gleefully. “What’s stopping you?”

“I don’t know, Pix, the imminent threat of departure?!”

“Are you planning on leaving him, then? For sure?”

“I- I don’t know, I just-” Mara struggled helplessly. “But we’re meant to talk and after that happened, I just - I just needed someone to understand that - it’s - it’s complicated, how are we meant to talk without actually talking about that-”

“Then don’t talk about it, use your hospital time to do the opposite of talking-”

“No, Pix, I don’t know what to do-”

“What you want! Do what you want, Sammy, you’re married to what used to be one of the most eligible bachelors on the planet who apparently is not living up to the stereotype of his reputation being more impressive than his skillset, enjoy it!”

“You’re not - I told you, it’s more complicated-”

“Maybe more than I thought before, but nothing a quickie in the Corvette can’t fix.”

“You’re the worst, you are being of no help at all, where is the emotional support-”

“Honey, you didn’t become friends with me for emotional support. You became friends with me because I don’t spout bullshit.” Pixie told her smugly. “Now, I’m bored of this conversation. Keep me posted and get well soon. Bye.”

“Wait, I-” Mara began - but the call had already ended, leaving Mara alone in the silent hospital room. “That’s… Awesome.” Mara muttered to herself, sighing.

Pixie didn’t understand. Nobody did. That was the whole problem.

Whether she had wanted to or not, Mara had… Opened up a conversation with Danyal, before the surgery. A conversation she couldn’t have, even if they needed to, because she didn’t know where she stood in it.

So far, she’d managed to dodge discussing… Everything, any of it, but now? Now how was she meant to carry it on? When the last time they’d seen each other was… That night? Or even after what Danyal had said? Love you. Present tense.

She was angry, she was. It was… Frustrating! How could he just say that, so easily? Love wasn’t a light word. It was heavy with meaning and commitment and other terrible, horrible things that created an automatic response for Mara to run in the opposite direction when she thought of them. She’d had so many people say they loved her and yet it always amounted to her getting hurt. Being hurt. And Danyal was no different. He’d done the same thing, like everyone else, on their wedding. He’d betrayed her trust.

How was she meant to make him understand that? How, when maybe what he’d done was right?

It was fucked up. It was so fucked up and - and wrong! The thought of someone actually knowing what was best for her that wasn’t herself? At a time when she’d been so desperate to find that part of herself? No! It wasn’t - it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right!

… But here she was, sitting in hospital because of Dany. Because of the ties he’d forced her to have. She’d admitted to herself on the way back from the gym that she’d decided, once everything had imploded with her parents after the surgery, to come back to the Zafars, to New York, whether she’d wanted to or not. Of course Dany had been a part of that. She’d known he’d be back in New York for his birthday.

How could both things make sense in her head? Because they did. How could they?

What was she going to say to him? How was she meant to explain?

“I heard you on the phone.” Mara winced slightly, keeping her eyes trained on her hands, at the sound of that voice. A voice that only meant trouble. “You seemed… More awake than before, so I brought you coffee. If you wanted it, obviously.”

Mara nodded - before taking a silent, deep breath and looking up at him - the cause of all of the trouble, Danyal, hovering awkwardly in the doorway.

“You look terrible.” She mumbled, offering a half-smile. She wasn’t lying. Underneath Dany’s eyes were deep-set dark circles and he hadn’t shaved, his hair sticking up in odd places. Dany said nothing, standing there in his crumpled jumper and skinny jeans. “Here.” She motioned for the coffee.

Handing it to her carefully, Dany sat in the armchair that Mara just knew he’d slept in, pushing the blanket aside.

“I think we should-”

“Can we talk-”

They both stopped, hesitating awkwardly, for interrupting the other.

“Me first?” Mara asked, smiling politely as Dany nodded. She placed the coffee on the table - it was too hot - wincing slightly, and immediately ignoring how Dany seemed to want to reach out to help her. She sighed.

What was she meant to say? How was she meant to say it? Forget how much he may have heard - she couldn’t be bothered to think about how that was about to impact things. The more she thought, the more confused she’d become.

“It wasn’t some magical moment. Maybe that’s what’s making it so hard.” She finally began, hoping that, what she’d previously found to be Danyal’s annoying tendency to read her mind, would suddenly come in handy. If the way he seemed to tense was any indication, she was in luck. “And I know, I do, I know I should be used to that by now, but-”

“But what?” Dany interrupted, looking confused - and angry, too. Mara chewed on the inside of her lip, feeling like a child. “You thought, after everything that happened, you wouldn’t?”

“Not so soon.” She admitted quietly, ignoring how Dany began to shake his head. “Maybe not ever. Look, I’m - I’m trying here, I’m trying to be honest-”

“Not so soon?” Dany repeated, ignoring her. Mara sighed. “Not so soon? So you thought about it happening, at least?”

“Dan- Danyal, please-”

“You’ve just had corrective surgery for a kidney transplant you didn’t tell anyone about.” Dany told her seriously, clenching his jaw. “And now is when you choose to be honest?”

“That’s what you’re seriously upset about?” Mara asked in disbelief. Dany shook his head again, as if she was somehow the one missing the point. “Now? I’m finally having this conversation with you, one you say you’ve waited to have for so long-”

“I have-”

“Then why does this matter? Why does it matter that this is why we’re having it?!” Mara motioned with her hands to the hospital room.

“Because I’m meant to be looking after you!” Dany snapped - before sighing, as Mara shrunk slightly into the bed, his words… Frightening her. Not his tone. His words. For fuck’s sake, why did he keep saying things that just… Confused her more?! “I - what did you think? That marrying you and yes, yeah, I did hope that was how it would end and I shouldn’t have done it that way, but when I married you, did you think it was nothing? That I didn’t know what I was promising?”

Mara swallowed, trying to buy herself time.

“I - I don’t know.” She replied weakly, struggling to form coherent sentences when Danyal was looking at her so… Earnestly. “Maybe. I don’t know what went through your head-”

Dany laughed, though not because he found anything particularly funny.

“What went through my head was that I couldn’t lose you and you didn’t want to lose me and that was the only way I knew how to fix things, because you were too scared to understand your feelings.” Dany muttered, his voice laced with irritation. He was even scowling as he said it. Mara didn’t know what to say. “You know that-”

“No, I don’t-” At this point, she was arguing more on reflex than anything else.

“Why would you put yourself through this?” Dany demanded, setting his coffee aside. Mara sighed, collapsing against her pillows and closing her eyes. “Why would you give him a kidney after - after the way he treated you, after everything we did to get rid of him-”

“Everything you did.” Mara muttered to herself… And when there was no answer, she opened her eyes.

Dany was staring at her, temporarily speechless, with round, horrified eyes.

“If I did something wrong - if you changed your mind about your Dad when I told him to leave - Mara, I’m sorry-”

“Urgh, no, don’t do that. Don’t.” Mara groaned. The night of their wedding; when her father had shown up at their hotel and Dany had sent him away. “Don’t - whatever happened between me and him, it’s not something you should be apologising for, Christ-”

“Yes, it is, if I failed you-”

Mara immediately stared at him in disbelief - after staring in incredulity at the sky.

“This isn’t about you, Danyal! Or your pride! This is a decision I made, I’m a grown ass woman, I can handle my own decisions-”

“Urgh, Samara!” Dany groaned. “I’m not saying this is about me or my pride, I’m just - I was trying to help-”

“And in case you hadn’t noticed, Danyal, you trying to help me somehow never ends up the way you want it to.” Mara burst, unable to help the ironic peal of laughter that fell out too.

It was reflexive; at the sound of her laughter, wry and ironic but without the bitterness he’d already heard so many times… Dany managed a sad smile.

Something ached in Mara’s chest. It just felt so… Familiar.

Mara hid her face, pretending to focus on fiddling with the hospital sheets, to try and hide her tears.

“When did everything… Change?” She asked quietly - and immediately closed her eyes, blocking out the sight of Danyal opening his mouth so speak, knowing exactly what he was about to say. “Please… Don’t - say it, don’t repeat yourself. I can’t hear that again, not - not yet, I just-” She shook her head, her eyes still squeezed shut. She cringed even more, remembering how… Similar this conversation was, to one they’d had once before. “I - I genuinely don’t understand. We were nothing-”

“Nothing?” Dany repeated sharply.

Mara’s eyes flew open, only to squeeze in annoyance again - this time, at her own words.

“That’s not what I meant, I just - how can you even know that you mean it?” She tried to sound reasonable; she tried to sound… Fair. Instead, she just came out patronising. “Don’t look at me like that, Danyal!” That currently meant a poker face tinged with silent outrage. It was a look specific to the eldest Zafar sibling’s face. “You said you loved Divya. We went through that whole charade because of you saying that, constantly-”

Dany was already shaking his head before she’d finished talking.

“Samara, please tell me you’re not serious.” He said, setting his coffee cup aside. Mara rolled her eyes. Here we go. Why was it that every conversation they had ended up here? Frustrating and counterproductive?! “I know it’s different with you-”

“No, you don’t know, you don’t and that’s the whole point!” Mara burst - and fuck it, she was here now, this was happening, so why bother holding back? Where had that gotten her? Oh. Right. In hospital, in New York, struggling to say all the things she needed to with this idiot.

How many times had she gone through this? Imagined this scenario? Created a perfectly crafted script?

Internally, she sighed to herself. When was she just going to accept that her life wasn’t perfect?

“Have you ever just considered,” Samara said through greeted teeth, taking a deep breath and ignoring the slight dull ache she felt coming from her stomach. “That maybe, just maybe, Danyal, your view of love is a little bit skewered?” She continued quickly, seeing the indignation on Danyal’s face, raising her voice. “You grew up hearing about your parents. Your parents, who are not the rest of the world. Who had to deal with difficulties and strain in their relationship, before they were even together-”

“What is your point?” Dany interrupted. Mara took a deep breath as he stared at her, incredulous. “I know about my parents-”

“And you assumed that whatever you had with Divya was real, the first girl you’d ever been with, because it was difficult and you weren’t together yet and you assumed it was l - shit!”

Dany immediately stood to attention as Mara winced, the pain in her stomach sharper than before.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” She lied, swatting Dany’s awkward, hovering hands away. Too tired to continue shouting, she motioned for him to sit on the bed - but he remained standing, eyeing her with a stern expression that, she knew, was just a mask for concern. “I just… You don’t know, Danyal. You jumped from her to me. That’s not…” The L-word lodged in her throat. “That sounds more like a rebound than anything else.”

“I know what this is.” Dany muttered, shaking his head. “Just because you don’t want to feel like you’re worth that, doesn’t make it any less true.”

Mara’s head jerked up at that. How did he do that? Get inside of her head, ruin everything? She wanted to have an answer! He’d leave the room in ten seconds and a million brilliant, witty scathing ones would enter her head - because ordinarily, they were already there -, but with him, everything was delayed. She wasn’t herself.

How could they have what he thought they did when she was a different person around him? Only him?

For once, pride worked to her strength; instead of looking away as her eyes filled up with tears, of frustration and anger and disappointment - and not just at him, at everything, at her parents, at her life, at being in a hospital bed sitting in front of Danyal Zafar at all - she stared at him belligerently, taking some comfort in the sadness that flitted across his face at her pain.

“I’m sorry, I-” Dany sighed, running a hand through his hair. She kept staring. She didn’t trust herself to stay in… Control, if she opened her mouth. She’d leant on him when she hadn’t wanted to enough times before. “You need rest and this isn’t helping, I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll go.”

Samara pressed her lips together, hard, as with a sigh, Danyal headed for the door.

Hoe, don’t do it, she warned herself. Don’t you fucking dare, you a strong and independent young woman, don’t you dare - she repeated it over and over, hoping it would sink in.

He was halfway to the door when some of that slipped out.

“Don’t.” Not the part she wanted - and she felt it afresh, like she did every time she thought about their wedding, every time she was honest and it hurt. Disappointment in herself for being so weak. Fear that, just like he’d said, Danyal was right to know her better than she did herself.

A part of him almost wanted him to keep moving, as for a split second, he stilled in the middle of the room. It would make things easier. The lines wouldn’t be so blurred.

But he didn’t do that. Instead, as if he’d been planning on doing it all along, he immediately turned on his heel and sat back down in the armchair next to her bed.

Samara swallowed back her tears, telling herself it was from the anaesthetic that was still working wearing off, as she shuffled in bed, turning her head away from him.

As her shoulders tensed in her efforts to not cry, she felt Danyal’s hand on hers - and as much as she hated herself for it, as confusing and horrible and weak as she felt, she clutched it so hard back that she thought her bones may break.

She took a few minutes to try and compose herself - and if it hadn’t been for the vice-like grip still on his hand, Dany may have thought she’d fallen asleep.

“I miss my friend.” She finally admitted, her voice thick and heavy from emotions she hated on the regular. “I just want my friend back, Dany.”

Silent seconds, ones that felt like minutes, ticked by - and then, in a voice that was sure and strong and so similar to the voice she remembered from simpler, happier times, he replied -

“I haven’t gone anywhere.”

It made her feel physically sick to think that maybe, just maybe… Maybe this whole time, he had been right.

Conde Nast Headquarters, One World Trade Centre Manhattan, New York

“Hello, Esme. Is she busy?”

“Oh, hi, Mr Zafar!” Esme, on of Soph’s many, enthusiastic young assistants, beamed up at him. “The last I checked she was on a call to the board, but there’s nobody in there so go right ahead!”

Aman nodded, already halfway through the door.

“Yes, of course - no, absolutely.” Soph muttered, smiling as Aman, upon entering the office, bent down to kiss her on the forehead. She watched as he collapsed onto the sofa in the corner, throwing his blazer to the side and pulling on his tie. God forbid he would just take a board position and look after himself over the damned company. “No, honestly. Yes. Okay. Okay, bye.”

“Long day?” Aman asked, closing his eyes and letting his head rest against the sofa back - and not being at all surprised when, a few seconds later, he felt Soph slip under his arm, her head resting against his chest.

Soph hummed.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Aman’s arm falling from the sofa back to rub circles into Soph’s bare shoulder.

“I should have spoken to you first.” Aman finally said, looking down at her. Soph said nothing, looking up at him. “I’m sorry, I just… She was so excited. And I thought if I told her-”

“Aman, don’t pretend you didn’t manipulate Zarina’s interest in the land acquisition.” Soph huffed, shaking her head. Aman sighed as Soph pulled away, forcing him to face her. “What are you doing? She’d hate the idea of being lied to-”

“I don’t want her to feel pressured-”

“So you’re betraying her trust in you instead?”

“No, I’m not, she’s my daughter and I am trying to help her.” Aman said sternly. Soph shook her head. Aman sat up a little straighter. “Look at what happened with Raj! She felt pressured, she said no-”

“And I’ve told you, I don’t think that’s over-”

“She wants it to be and that’s all I need to know.” Aman replied quickly, sighing as Soph got to her feet and began to pace. “What have I done that’s so terrible? This way, she can get to know him and if they like each other-”

“Aman, she is going to feel ambushed! Even if she does end up liking him, taking away anything natural about it will make her run the other way-”

“You don’t know that-”

“Of course I do, she’s our daughter!” Soph laughed, without humour. “Of course she’ll run in the opposite direction! She throws herself into her work, just like we used to and ignores anyone telling her she needs anyone else, because she doesn’t want to believe it, and she shouldn’t-”

“She does not need this boy. Or any other boy. The only people she needs are her family.” Aman said sharply… And although it was in a voice that would have had anybody else quivering, the years had done nothing to Soph’s only response being an unimpressed expression. “But… But she could be happier! She shouldn’t feel like she has to feel alone, what’s wrong with me wanting that for her? You said so yourself, he sounds like a nice boy-”

“It’s not about us finding him nice, Aman.” Soph paused her pacing to stare at her husband in shock. “We didn’t choose each other and we ended up fine! Why can’t you trust her own judgements, her own taste?”

“I never said I didn’t-”

“No, you’re just deciding that this boy may be a good match for her and sending her, unknowingly, to meet him for what she thinks is a business meeting!” Soph scoffed. “Have you thought about what he may say to her? How she may feel like the business?”

“Do you honestly think I’m that stupid?” Aman huffed, smoothly reverting from English into Urdu… Which, to anyone else, signalled something serious. “Of course nobody thinks she’s there to… Meet him for that reason! They know she’s representing this company, this family-”

“And since when did people so easily accept a beautiful young girl only being interested in her career?” Soph challenged, matching his bilingualism.

“Other people living in the past isn’t my problem,” Aman said hotly, his temper flaring now, too. “Our daughter is a beautiful, intelligent, fantastic young woman who is an asset to any company she chooses to work for-”

“And if you trust her so much, she should be able to make this decision!”

“I’m not forcing her, Soph! If she likes him, then there’s nothing standing between them and if she doesn’t, so what?”

“How do you know she’ll like him? Just because he’s good for her on paper-”

“- we know our little girl-”

“The way we knew Tara?” Soph challenged, in English again - and Aman stared up at her in surprise, as if he’d been slapped, as her eyes began to take on a new, watery sheen. She slipped into Urdu again. “I’ve already lost one daughter on the assumption we know her, I’m not losing another one!”

“Tara made her own choices. Informed ones.” Aman said grimly, his jaw setting firmly. Ignoring Soph’s immediate head-shaking, he continued, staring at the floor. “No, don’t defend her. She knew what she was doing and Zarina is nothing like that, we can trust her, Tara chose not to be a part of this family-”

“Tara’s a child-”

“And look how much we tried to do for her, how we tried to help her.” The calm in Aman’s voice, after all these years, was no longer intimidating; nor was it comforting, for that matter. It was irritating, because it acted like an off-switch to Soph’s anger, whether she wanted it to or not. “Are you honestly telling me my shehzadi doesn’t deserve more? After what she’s endured? That she doesn’t deserve to have help in finding happiness?”

“Don’t you dare put those words in my mouth, Aman.” Soph warned. Before he could open his mouth to protest, she continued. “Of course I want those things for her! But the moment she knows we had any hand in this, she will feel pressured, to fake her own happiness for our sake-”

“If it works out with this boy, why does she have to know?” Her husband demanded, finally rising to his feet. Soph stared at him in disbelief. “I’m serious, don’t look so shocked! If she finds happiness with someone, why do we need to tell her she received help? Why do we need applause for it?”

“I’m not saying we do, but I’m pointing out how easily this could hurt her - and she’s going in blind, considering someone as a life partner versus a business associate are two very different things-”

“Was it different for us?”

Soph shot her husband a look of long-suffering.

“We weren’t looking to go into business with one another.”

“That’s not the point.” Aman said, half-smiling. Soph shook her head… Immediately fighting her own. “If she likes him, as a business partner or not, she’ll stay. And we know where she is, who she’s around and that she’s safe and that’s something I failed her in before.”

Soph’s shoulders sagged - and, forgetting everything else they’d said, she stepped forwards, cupping Aman’s face in her hands.

“Aman, listen to me.” She sighed, her eyes filling up with tears. “You can’t spend the rest of her life trying to make up for something that isn’t your fault. And if you failed her as a parent, then I did too-”

Aman shook his head, his jaw still clenched, as he fought back tears of his own. Even now, Soph hated seeing him like this; hurting, feeling like he’d failed. Not when she’d seen what real failures in a person looked like, and he’d been the one to pull her away.

“You’re not her father. I am. It was my job to protect her then and I didn’t, but in this way, I can.”

Soph shook her head - but, knowing nothing she could say would ever make any difference, silently pulled his neck downwards and pressed her forehead against his.

“Aman, just because she may stay for the challenge, doesn’t mean she could like him - or love him, or be happy with him-” Soph stopped, seeing the wry smile that began to flicker over Aman’s face, slowly replacing the sadness. “What?”

“She’s our daughter.” He told her quietly - confidently, too, as if she were missing the obvious. “If he’s the challenge to her I think he is, wanting to stay for the challenge and wanting to stay for him won’t be that different.”

Soph raised an eyebrow.

“Sounds as if someone’s talking from experience.” She sighed.

Aman pulled her close, before giving her soft, chaste kiss on the lips - one that, even years and children and life’s nightmares later, made Soph feel like she was in her twenties again, falling uncontrollably with a man she knew she shouldn’t. Free-fall. Even after all of this time, that kiss felt like free-fall.

“That’s how we found each other.”

“Not everyone’s like us.” Soph warned.

“No.” Aman agreed. “But she’ll do better.”

Soph sighed to herself internally as she clutched him close, wishing she could share his faith… But she couldn’t. Because she had a horrible feeling that, at that age, Ari was just like her.

New York to Islamabad, En Route Zafar Family Jet

Of their fourteen hour flight, there was only three left… And Ari was hoping to keep up the record so far, of her and Raj’s awkward silence.

She hadn’t wanted it to be awkward, of course. But it was.

The first few hours hadn’t been too bad; she’d been focused on work, prepping for her meeting. Pixie’s future father-in-law was the Minister of Culture; she’d already asked Pixie, who was already his darling favourite, to arrange for a quiet corner for them to discuss the project. After that, Ari could - as if she hadn’t already - set up a visit to Lahore over the next few days, amongst the wedding preparations, to meet the mysterious businessman behind the deal himself.

Ari chewed on the inside of her lip, glancing out of the window. She closed her eyes behind her sunglasses, feeling the warmth of the sun and the brightness of the sky on her face through the plastic-reinforced glass… And recited all of her research again.

A (presumably) filthy-rich businessman of the name Khalid Ahmed - at least, according to the documents on public record - had acquired the land underneath one of Pakistan’s major UNESCO Heritage Sites; the Lahore Fort and its surrounding Shalima Gardens, both of which had began to fall into further disrepair than age, due to the UNESCO financial scandal from almost twenty years prior.

The Pakistani government had offered to donate a significant sum to the renovations, provided UNESCO could provide the rest; but, unable to make such a commitment and under pressure to maintain other sites in Western countries, they had denied, causing a standstill. Without the UNESCO Heritage status, there was little anyone else would be able to do in terms of protecting it; but with a structure that had existed since the sixteenth century, the status meant nothing without the funds to keep it maintained.

Enter Mr Ahmed. He’d approached the Pakistani government and UNESCO as one, she remembered, offering to buy the land deep to the site. This, he’d argued in a written statement also found in public record, would give him a personal incentive to see the property on his land restored, using private funds and investors. His return would be rent paid, partly by UNESCO and the Pakistani government from the funds they’d hoped to spend on repairs, for a lease on the newly-bought land… And one of the most ambitious property deals in business history.

For the government, it worked out cheaper to pay towards a regular lease than the hassle of a full restoration, as well as the unexpected finances any big building project would accumulate. For UNESCO, it helped their PR nightmare in showing that people were still willing to work with them - even if it meant that their access to the project itself was riddled with fine print and where the money was used was beyond their control.

Despite all of this planning, however - and Ari couldn’t help but roll her eyes at the thought -, nobody had stopped to consider how they would announce this news to the public.

They had not been happy.

To many, even those perhaps not the most… Privileged, when it came to education, saw the Fort as a shining example of what had once been; of a rich and diverse cultural history shared with other parts of the region. In layman’s terms, it seemed as if Khalid Ahmed were buying a piece of history and capitalising on it - and seeing as political reform in Pakistan was still relatively new, it felt to many like a step backwards.

As Ari had mentioned to her father; it was a PR nightmare. An image of bulldozers and cranes heading into the gardens had been used by news outlets everywhere, even internationally; and not even Soph’s influence on trying to create a more balanced view had done much good. It also didn’t help that Mr Ahmed didn’t seem very… Camera-friendly; although it had taken the use of a private investigator, a very short look into his life had found a hedonistic, lavish lifestyle, including a thirteen-second video of Mr Ahmed at a club in Amsterdam, surrounded by sex workers.

Thankfully, nobody else had seen the footage; but his living in the shadows had only made the public more suspicious. As they’d been preparing to board, Ari had been reading a recent piece from the past twelve hours, questioning whether ‘Mr Ahmed’ was just a non-existent crime cover-up, as part of a laundering scheme.

It was made worse by the fact that ‘anonymous sources’ claimed, should Mr Ahmed be satisfied with this venture, he would be next settling his eyes on the Badshahi Mosque, also in Lahore; another centuries old structure known for its architecture and history, as well as still being an active place of worship.

That was what had turned the deal from a PR mess to Hell on Earth. Protestors had been camped outside of the Gardens for weeks, preventing workers from entering and destroying whatever equipment and supplies they could. Mr Ahmed had been forced to hire security teams to watch the site around the clock, which, even when not accounting for the over twenty hectares of land, had been of… Very little help.

Not that any of that mattered.

Ari knew she’d be able to fix all of that.

Zarina Zafar was Pakistan’s darling - and India’s too. She was young and attractive and always camera ready; stylish but not fashionable; modest but not outdated. She balanced her identities as Pakistani, Indian, English and Muslim all at once, with an air of naturalness that left the public breathless. She worked for her parents, had never been snapped or rumoured to be doing anything untoward and her private life was kept secret, despite her wide circle of celebrities and powerful figures being only complimentary.

She was considered the epitome of class, grace and mixed cultural identity in two nations that warred with the overpowering identity of the young Western man or woman. She was everything people wanted their children to be and, by some miracle, everything people her age wanted to be in the press; charming, put together and just the right amount of goofy on her Instagram stories.

Of course, the whole thing was an act - or, at least a large majority of it. Ari was in publishing, for God’s sake. She knew how to present an aesthetic.

And that was exactly what she would do with the Fort project. It would still require careful planning, of course, but it could be done - Ari convincing the public that this was in their interest, all the while supporting the Zafar family name. She could do it. She knew she could. It wasn’t cockiness or over-confidence - this was what Ari did every day at Vogue in London.

The only variable was how… Amiable Mr Ahmed would be to work with. Especially seeing as he was allergic to being in the public eye, which was already part of the problem.

Well… Part of the problem. Although it was a minor loophole at best, the Minister of Culture needed to approve the Zafars’ involvement in the project - and that was fine. But seeing as she hadn’t yet had the opportunity to visit Lahore, it would probably take some bluffing…

… That would be easier done if Ari had the safety net of being able to hang up.

She paused - before quickly texting Pixie, seeing if she could arrange the meeting for… Now.

Forget waiting around in Islamabad for a few days. Ari was too excited. Plus, realistically, once she was in Pixie’s sights, she wouldn’t be let out of them - not to mention Sarfaraz pressuring her to babysit Raj… And her brother and Samara could arrive at any moment…

Ari played a game of Tetris 4 - the entire family, save her mother, were locked in a fiercely competitive private league, of which Kabir held the title - as she waited for Pixie’s reply, purposefully not looking in Raj’s direction. A few times, she’d wanted to try and… Talk - the flight seemed like a wasted opportunity otherwise - but thankfully, her most useful trait had given her the wisdom not to.

Stubbornness; it was stubbornness - because if Raj was waiting for her to go back on their agreement of playing nice for Pixie’s wedding, he could wait forever.

Barely a few minutes later, Pixie had text her back, with a video meeting set for the next two minutes.

“Hey!” Ari hissed, throwing a pen - and landing it square in Raj’s temple - at her sleeping jet-mate, making him jump slightly and glare at her. “I’m on a business call, don’t interrupt me.”

With an irritated look that clearly highlighted he had been better off left asleep, Ari turned away and quickly patted down her hair - before pressing on the number Pixie had sent.

It answered on the second ring.

The Minister immediately greeted her in Arabic, to which Ari correctly responded.

“So, Miss Zafar, what can I do for you? Were we not set to meet once you landed?”

“Yes, sir, we were - but actually, I knew that once I landed for the wedding, I wouldn’t want to leave!” Ari immediately said, with her chirpiest voice and trademark smile. She didn’t see Raj glance sleepily over his shoulder at her - before smiling slightly as he fell back asleep. “And ultimately, we’re all in Islamabad for such a happy occasion, the less we have to discuss work the better, surely?”

“Of course.” Minister Bilal said kindly. “So you want to discuss your father’s corporation’s involvement with the Fort project?”

Ari sat a little straighter in her chair.

“Yes.” She said resolutely. “As you know, my family and I are deeply interested in preserving our country’s history and even on an international level, my mother has been recognised as a patron of the arts-”

“Miss Zafar.” Ari paused, quick to hide her confusion, as the Minister suddenly seemed… Awkward. “Your family’s involvement is not at question here. The government’s concern is, rather, about how you may be of service.”

Ari paused.

“Excuse me, but I’m not entirely sure I understand your meaning, Minister…” Ari said calmly, her nails digging into her palms underneath the table. If they were happy to have her involved in the project, why was she being forced to jump through hoops? “Are there any doubts in our integrity?”

Ari fought to not raise an eyebrow as the Minister quickly began to tut away such an accusation. Despite it being implied, Ari thought angrily.

Ari didn’t respond well to being questioned. Ever.

“You’re a very shrewd girl, Miss Zafar - and I would expect no less, given the family you come from.” Ari’s mind began to race, because she didn’t like this one bit. Despite knowing it was… Next to impossible, she began to wonder - was this about what had happened to her, in London? What if she was prepositioned? Or they thought she was weak because it had been kept hidden? She’d known this would come out eventually, she knew she would never be able to bury it deep enough - “But let’s not pretend - we don’t have the time amidst such a busy, happy occasion!”

Ari just about managed a polite smile.

“The bad press is bad for the government. It makes my job more difficult, when at this current time, I’d much rather it felt easy!” The Minister smiled. “At first, this… Khalid Ahmed character was an odd quirk for privacy. But the terrible way this has been handled - which you’ll improve, I’m sure - means that his privacy is no longer our concern. Especially after receiving certain… Intelligence. Bring the real man behind the plans into the light. This is my only condition of your involvement.”

… I’m sorry, what?

Thankfully, she stopped herself from saying that aloud.

Knowing the Minister was watching her much too carefully for her to relax, Ari simply decided on… Nodding, understandingly. If was better that he thought she was confused than totally lost, which was the truth - because the real man behind the plans? What the Hell did that mean?

Though the intelligence part? That must have been the video. Ari hadn’t found it too difficult to get hold of the video. She couldn’t imagine it would have been difficult for the Pakistani government, either.

“You do… Know the arrangement regarding Mr Ahmed’s role in the public eye, don’t you, dear?” Minister Bilal asked, his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Of course.” Ari replied easily… Lying through her teeth. She remembered the mega-watt smile of her father’s lawyer, Harvey and all of the lessons he’d taught her with it. “But we’re in the business of discretion. I don’t think it my place to comment, but now that I know what it is I can to do start-” Ari said shrewdly, making Minister Bilal laugh slightly. “- helping, consider it done.”

“It’s that simple?” He laughed. Ari shrugged, trying to feign her irritation as innocence. “Well, I have no reason to doubt you. And when I see you next, no talk of business - we’ll all be becoming family!”

“If God wills.” Ari replied in Arabic, her nails digging so hard into her palms under the table now that her hand was beginning to feel numb. “I’ll see you soon, Minister.”

“Would you like to talk to Pixie before you go?”

Ari fought not to roll her eyes. How transparent. As if she’d forgotten about the wedding; about how, if she messed this up, it could also affect her cousin.

… Okay, maybe she hadn’t realised the Minister would be so transparent (in an underhand sort of way) about it, but it was still insulting to have it done so obviously.

“No, thank you, Minister. It was a pleasure and we’ll all see each other soon.”

Ari had already hung up before he’d finished saying his goodbye.

Ari stared at her blank phone screen for a few moments, chewing on the inside of her lip. That… It hadn’t gone badly.

It also hadn’t gone particularly well.

She’d had her reservations about working with Khalid Ahmed after seeing the intel, for obvious reasons - and if you didn’t respect your business partner, what kind of foundation was that? - but now… She was frazzled. Secret identity? Who would be stupid enough to do that, let alone someone as dumb as whoever it was in the video - and these were questions that needed answering, only if she’d been right in understanding Minister Bilal.

The only person Ari wanted to ask for advice was her father. But she couldn’t. She had to prove she could do this, by herself…

“Everything okay?”

Ari didn’t bother to hide how she rolled her eyes at Raj’s voice.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“Ar - Zarina…” Ari sighed and glanced over to Raj, who was now watching her carefully. “If you need a hand-”

If she wasn’t taking her father’s help, she sure as Hell wasn’t taking her ex-lover’s.

“According to a financial report, two incredibly poor business decisions taken by you cost the Gemini Group almost a quarter of a billion dollars.” Ari interrupted, bored and irritated at having to say it at all. For Raj not knowing better than to keep things between them… Formal. They’d lasted this many hours, hadn’t they? In a compressed metal box in the air? Didn’t he know how to read a room? “I appreciate your offer of help, but I think it needn’t be more conscious than me doing the opposite of what you have recently.”

Yes, she was lashing out - and yes, she felt guilty. But she bit back her urge to apologise and swallowed it, because she and Raj were strictly business. Family business, for now. That was it. There needn’t be any more familiarity than required, thank you very much.

“I was going through a tough time.” Raj told her quietly, his jaw clenched.

Knowing exactly what he meant, Ari raised an eyebrow, turning away towards the window.

“Business is business.” Ari told him, surprised to find that, although she’d said it before… This time, she really meant it. Wasn’t that something? Maybe living in London again hadn’t been such a weak choice after all. “So it sounds pretty pathetic to me.”

Contrary to her last statement, Ari was not a fan of toxic masculinity; she’d suffered at the hands of it before, a thought that automatically made her fingers and toes curl. But she was a fan of Raj’s pride and the distance it would place between them… And judging by the angry stare Ari felt on her shoulder and Raj’s silence, it had worked.

Ari stared down at the brightly coloured fields below, fiddling with her fingers. She’d already made the meetings in Lahore. Who was she meeting with?

Raj would offer to come, if she gave him even the smallest of hints that something was… Sketchy. But she couldn’t be afraid forever. And anyway, who would dare mess with the people’s princess? A Zafar?

They’ve done it before, a solemn voice told her from deep inside of her head.

Ari swallowed. No. Not today.

Picking up her phone, she sent Samara a quick text; asking if she knew enough people in Pakistan to ask around for her. Samara’s nickname on Ari’s phone, the bored-looking emoji, immediately replaced her name upon Ari pressing on it.

Samara replied almost instantly.

> Are you joking? I’m sitting in a hospital bed.

Ari rolled her eyes.

I’m aware. Y/N?

> Probably not, I’m too white to be brown and vice versa. Bonus of being married to your brother. But who?

Ari, ignoring the last comment, typed quickly. From the corner of her eye, she saw Raj was trying to fall back asleep - properly this time.

Business deal stuff.

Thinking for a moment, she quickly added.

Don’t tell my brother. Trying to do this on my own.

Shit. Had she been stupid to ask? Was Samara going to tell Danyal out of pure spite? Ari had trust issues, of course, but she also had difficulty keeping her mouth shut when she wanted something - but surely Samara would understand independence, surely -

> Sure. Ari breathed a small sigh of relief. Her brother would freak out if she knew anything about what Minister Bilal had just said. Actually, it was probably a good thing that, by the time he and Samara arrived in Pakistan and he did find out, theoretically, Ari would have sorted out the whole mess and would be working on the actual project rather than… Silly little politics between silly little boys. The best person to ask would be Tabby, though and it’ll look more suss if I ask than you in random conversation. Ari frowned. Tabina? Samara’s cousin? You okay with that?

Knowing Samara would know better than to be offended - or had been so many times, that she’d stopped caring, Ari replied - which one’s Tabby? All of Samara’s cousins, the set of sisters she’d lived with in New York - her uncle’s children -, looked the same. Tall, dark haired, elfin.

> The one dating Raj.

Now, Ari was usually very in control of her emotions and expressions. It had taken years of trauma and emotional pain to do so and she was pretty proud of it. But in that moment, reading Samara’s last message, Ari physically jerked back, staring at her phone as if a sign had just flashed over the screen calling her poor and ugly.

What?

Her fingers began to fly over the screen, even faster than before -

What? Since when? I didn’t recognise her!

Back in New York, Mara sighed to herself, before going into her pictures; one of her and her cousins a few years ago, and another of Raj… And the girl, Ari realised, she’d seen him with when Sy had taken her to his apartment when she’d landed in New York.

> Nose job, lip fillers, some other shit.

Who is her surgeon?? Ari replied frantically. I didn’t recognise her and I *know* plastic procedures.

Mara shook her head.

> She spent a lot of money on a lot of procedures. Are you going to ask her?

Ari made a face of disgust, again, too preoccupied with Samara’s message to mask it. She didn’t care if Raj saw.

No thank you. And then, after a second thought - I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. She watched curiously as the typing icon appeared, disappeared and then reappeared. Great. Offended?

Finally, she received Samara’s message - and couldn’t help but smile slightly at the crying with laughter and passive-aggressive smile emojis in droves, with no text.

Ari sent the grumpy one back… And, on a whim, wished Samara well soon. She set her phone back down on the table before Samara could reply.

That was enough friendliness for a little while… And anyway. Apparently, they both had more important things to do.

#aag #about a girl #henbee #modosphere

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earthling-liya-blog · 5 years

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little things we can do for the environment

a/n ok before anything GURL there are a lot of links tagged bc i didn’t rly expect this to be a long post and some will be further explained in a separate post ! maglilink naman aq pag nagawa na may edit button naman HAHAHAHA but ya this is a bit taglish but mostly english kase conyo tayo chz but yaaaaa

i would say disregard any grammatical errors or flaws but i like comments and criticisms. this isnt formal writing at all kase this was rushed kase naexcite ako,,,,, ayun ok i shld stop talking leTS GET DIS BREAD

nowadays, a lot of people have been inventing machines that help in saving the planet but the easiest and most simple thing that have a huge impact on our environment is following the 3R’s.

REDUCE

here is a list of things on what you should reduce

1. single-use plastic consumption

this is the most obvious material we should refrain from buying. i know it’s tempting but don’t buy that candy, or that water bottle. as they say:

if you don’t buy crap from companies they’ll stop making crap.

think about it, that candy you’ll buy comes with a plastic food packaging. that plastic’s purpose is to cover the candy from anything that can contaminate it, but once the candy is opened he plastic no longer has purpose and will be thrown away on the trash can. that piece of plastic was used once but will LAST FOR DECADES, and in those decades the plastic will go through a lot of.. things. y’know like…

other than plastic interrupting the food chain, we can literally kill all animals with the plastic bags choking them or filling up their stomachs with plastic. we’ve all seen the turtle with a straw stuck inside its nose.

truly heartbreaking. this video started a petition to ban straws, but please STRAWS ARE NOT THE ONLY PLASTIC PRODUCT HARMING MARINE LIFE.

here are videos that prove so:

Plastic Ocean | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ju_2NuK5O-E

Plastic is killing marine wildlife | #OceanRescue | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhksqkC6WV0

See How It Feels to Be an Ocean Animal Stuck in a Plastic Bag | National Geographic | https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yaDx-WJAsaE

now you can say “I don’t litter so how am I harming these animals? I throw my trash properly.” but no, buying from companies that produce plastic makes YOU part of the problem.

the plastic you throw away “properly” adds into the landfill. as i’ve mentioned before, plastic lasts for decades. if we don’t reduce our plastic consumption, we will soon have a mountain of plastics. less plastic u buy, less plastic is produced.

next time you buy from the mall, don’t tempt yourself from buying beverages and/or foods that come with plastic food packaging. if possible, bring your own food containers and a reusable tote bag or don’t buy at all. quit saying “it’s just one time” a lot of people say that everyday and see what problem we’re facing now? overproduction and overconsumption of plastic asshole. say no to single-use plastic !

2. printing

this one’s new to me and im sure most of you are as shocked as i am. i always thought it was only because we were wasting so much paper by printing documents and other things that don’t really mean anything (tama na pagprint ng pix ng kras niyo mga burnok), but we keep buying cartridges.

here’s a tip: use recycled paper and reuse toner cartridges. I got that here https://www.colorado.edu/ecenter/zero-waste/reduce/paper-and-printer-waste. it says here that it costs wayyy less money cause duh reusing and reducing??? lam mo na yan mag-isip ka chz

3. electronics/appliances anything that consumes electricity

this one. this is something that’s hard for many of us to reduce and i admit im one of those who have a hard time letting go of their phone and uses the light the whole night.

PHONE: for iphone users like me (weird flex but ok), apple produces a new model every now and then and it makes a lot of apple users buy the newest model. don’t be like them no matter how much money u have that u want to flex (money cant help you survive when earth is dying sis) also, iphones don’t really last a looong time for many users since it’s kinda breakable and well it slows down after a while lmao

my tip is buy what you think will last for a long time (coming from me eh) for you and if you want, try buying secondhand phones. for phones you broke that you piled up in a box (yep i do that), you can replace some parts of it that broke it or give it to recycling centers. According to the University of Colorado Boulder, phones have metals that can still be “reused and salvaged such as aluminum, gold, silver, copper and iron.” NEVER THROW AWAY PHONES OR ANYTHING ALIKE ! “The circuit boards contain arsenic, lead, mercury, and other toxins. The batteries contain heavy metals that are lethal to the land. Many of the chemicals in cell phones have the potential to be released into the air when burned and can create air pollution.” (Second Wave Recycling, 2013) This means that the phone you’ll throw away will intoxicate the landfill. just think about insects flying around and possibly animals eating garbage

4. water

do i even have to explain myself? hm maybe.

shower with a partner shower together

jk but seriously, save water. take shorter showers and please refrain from using the heater. here’s an article to further elaborate https://slate.com/technology/2009/10/exactly-how-bad-should-i-feel-about-taking-hot-showers.html

5. fast fashion

oh you have no idea how much shopping can affect the environment. i didn’t know before either. but not only is the environment affected but also who work for companies that sell fast fashion.

a. people have been treating clothes as disposables. clothes that don’t fit the trend nowadays either get thrown away or just stay in the corner of a cabinet.

b. theyre cheap. and by cheap, i mean CHEAP. most of fast fashion clothing don’t last long that they end up in the landfill. even if you donate/sell it, chances are they’ll be rejected due to poor quality.

c. “. . most garments (especially fast fashion ones) are made with inexpensive, petroleum-based fibers that don’t easily decompose (such as polyester, nylon, and acrylic), they’re going to be taking up landfill space for decades to come.” (Wood, K.) As Cline points out;

“people generally recycle plastic bottles or avoid buying them in the first place, but people are pretty okay with buying lots of plastic clothing”

next time you think of buying from forever 21 or zara, think about it. they are simply made NOT to last. think about the exploited workers, the products you could’ve gotten for a cheaper price if they were made locally, and the effect on the environment. do you really want to support companies that only gives a fuck about their sales?

read more in these articles: 8 Reasons to Rethink Fast Fashion| https://www.lifehack.org/articles/money/8-reasons-rethink-fast-fashion.html

Fast Fashion Is the Second Dirtiest Industry in the World, Next to Big Oil | https://www.ecowatch.com/fast-fashion-is-the-second-dirtiest-industry-in-the-world-next-to-big--1882083445.html

6. meat and dairy

as a meat-lover myself, this was the hardest thing to do. im basically a carnivore since i hate veggies but i do eat a lotta ass fruits so no need to judge sis. but yeah this is so important yet so hard.

if you can, only buy products that are vegan. it doesn’t necessarily have to be food if it’s too difficult for you to let go. you can also have a #meatlessmonday or not eat meat 1-2 days a week.

this post is long enough so here’s an article to help u: https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2018/may/31/avoiding-meat-and-dairy-is-single-biggest-way-to-reduce-your-impact-on-earth

7. waste

all in all, reduce waste. avoid throwing away literally anything. aim for a zero waste lifestyle and i can give tips in my next post on how you can reduce waste.

REUSE

this is soooo hard to do. trust me, i would know BUT it is doable by an average person so shut the f*ck up and use that ugly reusable water bottle your aunt gave you. i don’t care how rich you are and how you can afford a lot more, but what does it matter if they wont be used much and be thrown away when it gets old?

avoid throwing things away and think about how it can still be useful to you or someone else. not everything useless to you is useless to everyone. let someone else find purpose for it or repurpose it yourself.

donate, not discard. choose reusable, not disposable.

RECYLE

1. plastic

this is the most important thing we have to do now especially with plastic. now note that not all plastic can be recycled. it’s important to know what type of plastic can be recycled and what shouldn’t

so as it states, 1&2 are recyclable which is what you would see on a water bottle. it means you should throw your plastic bottles in the recycling bin. here are things you should avoid and things you should recycle

BUT OK BEFORE YOU DO THROW THAT BOTTLE IN THE RECYCLING BIN JUST A QUICK NOTE

PLEASE REMOVE THE PLASTIC LABEL AND DO A QUICK RINSE ON THE BOTTLE! IT LITERALLY TAKES A FEW SECONDS OF YOUR TIME.

bottles that still have the label on are considered trash and are thrown away instead of being recycled. if u ask “why don’t they just take off the label? it takes a few seconds as u said” well dipshit they have more bottles to worry about so if i were you i wouldn’t be lazy piece of shit and take off the label.

bottles that contained sugar drinks should have a quick rinse & make sure there is no left over ! not rinsed = trash. do i have to go scientific and geeky as to why they should be rinsed? i think not lmao

for the plastic i find that can no longer be recycled (ex. shopping bags, food packaging, small pieces of plastic i see lying on the ground), i put them in an ecobrick which i will explain in my next post.

2. paper

paper can also be recycled. collect all those newspapers, cardboard, cereal boxes, failed quiz papers, rejected thesis papers and notes from your ex-boyfriend. all of them. don’t throw them away, or worse burn them. papers can still be given another chance at life by being remade. all of the papers should not be mixed with any plastic or wax coating.

TRIVIA: Recycling one ton of old paper saves 17 trees; 2 barrels of oil (enough to run an average car for 1,260 miles); 4,100 kilowatts of energy (enough power for the average home for 6 months); 3.2 cubic yards of landfill space; 7,000 gallons of wate; and 60 pounds of air pollution.

3. glass materials

products that are packed in glass glass jars and bottles like RC or your local nata de coco jar are recyclable as well although i’d prefer to reuse them.

TRIVIA: Recycling one glass bottle saves enough electricity to light a 60-watt bulb for four hours.

4. books

no. i don’t mean sell it to the junkshop but if u want to, go for it. although there are a lot of people who’d rather secondhand books than new ones so sell/donate your old books to those in need !

5. clothes

i’ve mentioned this before already but i’ll say it again. buy secondhand clothes. theyre not gross and you wont look like those typical katip pipol that all wear the same shoes and/or polo shirts charet. you’ll even help save the planet.

*note: it is still better to reduce than recycle so still avoid buying plastic and lessen use of paper. but, you do gain money from selling paper and plastic so start collecting your friends’ and family’s junk.

by doing the 3R’s, you can save energy and natural resources and help prevent environmental issues coming from the landfill and pollution. not only are you helping save the environment but you’re also saving money by reducing your purchase, reusing what you already have and promoting recycling.

a/n ulet this is my first post and i’ll be sure to post more tips and help raise awareness. my writing may have flaws and i accept any criticisms to improve ! help me be better and to save the environment:)

check out another article related to this one:

http://www.irondequoit.org/community/green-initatives/16-community/125-why-should-i-reduce-reuse-or-recycle

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pagedesignhub-blog · 7 years

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Your next pc can be in a data center

New Post has been published on https://pagedesignhub.com/your-next-pc-can-be-in-a-data-center/

Your next pc can be in a data center

Computers have come to be greater powerful and more portable, letting you execute some compute-in depth responsibilities to your PC. But internet connections have additionally come to be tremendously quicker, making it plenty easier to outsource a few duties to servers sitting in an information center.

Most of the apps in your cellphone already depend upon a server aspect to keep and method your records. When you submit a video on Facebook, it gets re-encoded into multiple formats on the server in order that other users can move your video in SD, HD, and so forth.

But I think this fashion is going to become even greater essential inside the coming years, with all of your gadgets performing as an easy display into your stuff strolling on servers in information facilities near you.

First, net connection speeds and latency need to enhance substantially for every person. I’m lucky that I stay in Paris, a dense town with green infrastructure. I get around 800 Mbps and 250 Mbps of down load and upload speeds at domestic. And I can ping all records facilities round Paris in less than 2 milliseconds with a stressed out connection.

Second, I’ve valued portability over specs for years. I’m presently typing this article on the tiny 12-inch MacBook. It’s a light-weight, fanless device that is greater or less as powerful because the MacBook Pro I became formerly the usage of.

Raw overall performance has greater or less stagnated for laptops in case you choose the lightest device you may get. At the equal time, more responsibilities are counting on effective pictures processing devices. Creative people control larger photos and 4K video pictures. Even your browser has to turn out to be more annoying.

Third, agencies want to increase services that everyone can use with none coding enjoy. For example, Adobe may want to release thin customers of Photoshop, Premiere Pro and other apps with all the heavy paintings occurring on a server. I feel like Adobe’s subscription version is an appropriate opportunity to do that with a non-obligatory add-on.

Even with out reinventing the wheel, a few businesses are innovating in this area. French startup Blade is operating on a service referred to as Shadow, basically for cloud gaming. It is strolling heaps of digital machines on server-grade Intel Xeon processors with a devoted Nvidia GTX 1070 for every consumer. You can get your non-public example for round $32.70 per month (€30).

At first, I become pretty skeptical as cloud gaming has never labored perfectly nicely because of latency, photo compression, and restrictions. But in this example, you get a full-fledged Windows 10 computing device surroundings with excellent network performances.

The agency has simply released Windows and Android apps, and it’s far presently running on a macOS app as well as a dedicated device with a reasonably-priced CPU and all of the ports you need. This way, you don’t even need to have an existing laptop to connect to your digital device on Shadow’s servers.

After a couple of minutes walking the Windows app on my Windows PC, I were given careworn and found out I needed to use special wallpapers due to the fact I couldn’t tell if I turned into interacting with my nearby PC or the digital machine going for walks in Shadow’s facts center near Paris.

When you run a recreation in your Shadow example, your computer fan remains silent because now not plenty is happening for your local PC. It’s one of the maximum telling examples of outsourcing compute-intensive obligations. These groups will have to make sure they have a rock-solid privacy policy and security gadget.

CPUs, GPUs, and SSDs are nevertheless going to get better through the years. These innovations will in the main benefit cloud groups so they can provide higher servers.

Why You Ought to Care About Computer Data Recovery

PC’s are a splendid time saver and tool for organizing. However, the more we rely on computer systems to shop statistics, the greater based our precious records safety is on technology. An era can help you down. The top information is that there exists manner to healing your information even after catastrophes. However, the most sound practice is to save you data loss from occurring inside the first area.

The fact is that information loss is a serious problem. There are handiest sorts of humans, those who’ve experienced records loss, and people who have no longer skilled records loss… YET! Those who’ve felt the remorse over not successfully backing up their information after losing it, or being not able to discover a person successful inside the field of computer records recuperation, understand the fee of this statistics.

Important data loss can ruin groups and wreck lives. Think I am being over dramatic? Then you obviously have not yet gone through the emotional turmoil of dropping your families prized pix, or your group’s key files.

Computer information recovery may be essential for something as small as the unintended deletion of a file or be as huge because of the whole wipe out of asinesses complete document records. Computer records loss can be caused by so several matters that maximum parents do no longer worry after they pass approximately their daily”computing” lives.

Hazards consist of: Electrical failure, surges of strength , harm to tough drives and disks, dust, overheating of PCs, in congruent hardware, errors, corrupt software files, viruses within the boot quarter, and you’ll be astounded at how plenty of human beings virtually save a record someplace they can not locate for the lifestyles of them.

Luckily, however all the possible methods you or your commercial enterprise can lose vital records, agencies and technicians exist who can carry your misplaced information returned from the lifeless. They literally provide some oldsters and enterprise owners the happiest days of their lives surely by retrieving data they assumed could be lost for all time.

Specialists within the discipline of PC statistics recuperation have the near superhero like the capability to deconstruct your situation and resurrect your facts. Always ensure whilst searching for these companies to do your studies, You ought continually start with local computer records healing service providers. Although there are commercial enterprise who function solely within the information recovery field, usually you will find these services within a typical “PC restore” or general IT company. You can often discover your dollar goes in addition to a nearby provider due to their low expenses and proximity. Google Places is a top notch tool to discover one of this business.

This would possibly sound obvious, but the excellent manner to deal with your laptop facts healing issues is by means of now not losing your records inside the first location. I am continuously amazed at how some of the folks do actually nothing to shield or backup their facts, yet house important records on their PC that they can’t stay with out. If you simply felt a guilty pang to your belly you are most possibly an offender. Backing up your records may be the neatest selection you’re making all year and then some.

Options to lower back up your information includes DVDs, Cds, uses and outside hard drives. Each of these techniques is cumbersome and admittedly worrying because you have to often replace your backup. If you use this type of techniques, external difficult drives are the best because you may sync your documents with out an excessive amount of-ofproblem.

The absolute satisfactory approach to returned up your statistics for my part is to apply an online garage provider. These companies permit you to store data wherever the is an Internet connection. Better than that, you can retrieve these statistics without having your personal computer or desktop handy. I use drop field myself, but short Google look for “on line information backup” will offer zillion options.

To sum up, groups and individuals must respect the crushing effect data loss can have. Total catastrophe is right around the nook, or at least you better reckon that it is so you do not get stuck along with your pants down. If you do experience facts loss, there are alternatives. Local PC facts recuperation specialists are your first-class guess followed through bigger “chain” laptop era companies. Sooner or later, always take into account to assume beforehand and keep your information before it’s miles too past due.

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workreveal-blog · 7 years

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Google, the best internet Search software

New Post has been published on https://workreveal.biz/google-the-best-internet-search-software/

Google, the best internet Search software

Google began recruiting People for specific roles. There has been an employee committed to creating doodles, and any other daily sprucing and improving character layout. Significantly, they hired Dr.Jim Reese of Harvard every day manage operations. His responsibility becomes daily to make certain that Google’s burgeoning hardware requirements have always been met. Because Google saves a whole lot of money by way of buying reasonably-priced computer systems and assembling them themselves, it was critical that they are maintained, Moni everyday red and controlled nicely. To make sure reliability, Dr.Reeves unfold data over many computers, managed all of them from a valuable device, and used redundancy daily ensure the enterprise in opposition to system crashes. By way of minimizing hardware costs, and the use of loose to apply Linux based day everyday operating systems over costly ones like Windows, Google had earned for itself a primary cost advantage.

Googles software was given more and more famous. It received the aid and admiration of Danny Sullivan, Friday-to-day of an influential newsletter targeted on an Internet search

google search software

. It had constructed for itself an entirely unswerving person base that gave remarks on even the slightest of changes daily the site. But, it had, but day-to-day provide you with a way of getting cash.

At that time, a corporation known as everyday Overture caught Brin’s interest. Overture became the employer that furnished the hunt consequences that observed searches of Yahoo and AOL, amongst others. The Google Men favored the idea of getting commercials based day every day on search, in place of flashy and distracting banner advertisements. However, there was one practice of Overture’s that they did no longer approve of – Overture assured that if a corporation paid a certain amount of cash, it would discover an area some the classified ads. It went immediately to their not every day of ‘Don’t be evil.’

They evolved an algorithm for seek-based marketing on their personal. Genuine to their motto, they ensured that there was a clean demarcation among the actual seek consequences and the commercials. Like the search outcomes, the advertisements, too, might be ranked. The ranking of the advertisements could be based now not best on the amount of money paid, however additionally on the wide variety of instances its miles clicked. For this reason, new ads might seem more prominently.

Expenses for Google’s commercials were constant through a nonstop auctioning technique. Auctions had been done for every seeks phrase. A word of ‘investment advice’ might value plenty more than a word like ‘pet meals’. Groups started having committed employees to perform Google auctions. There have been numerous subtleties involved. For instance, ‘virtual cameras’ could be sold for a higher price than ‘digital camera,’ because a user was googling ‘digital cameras’ is much more likely to buy one.

Google marketing policy became not without its share of issues. As soon as, a coverage business enterprise named Geico filed a lawsuit against Google, considering it had allowed different Agencies to bid for its name. A user searching for ‘Geico’ would see in his outcomes all insurance Agencies that had made a triumphing bid for it. Geico claimed that Google did now not have a proper to let Geico’s competition take benefit of searches on its name. Google’s protection was that Geico’s expertise of consumer conduct at the Internet was wrong. A user googling ‘Geico’ isn’t always searching best at Geico’s website. Besides, Google changed into not the writer of the advertisements, and it also had structures in vicinity to shield emblems. It did no longer allow ads to incorporate images of their heading or text. Google ended up winning the case.

Google search

It has additionally been alleged that Google’s naming of the commercial segment ‘Subsidized Links’ misleads many users. Many users confuse ads with real effects and click on them with out even understanding they’re commercials. The ethicality of this lack of clear difference has frequently come under question.

With the commercial enterprise version set immediately, innovation and new ideas flourished at Google’s accelerated workplace, called the Googleplex. One employee got here up with the notion of retrieving someone’s telephone wide variety if his call and zip code are entered. Any other got here up with the concept of auto-correcting spelling mistakes. If, As an instance, you misspell a celeb’s call, Google would mechanically accurate it and display seek outcomes for the corrected name. If a less obvious mistake is made, Google comes up with a “Did you mean…?” hyperlink at the top of the page.

Google additionally released its Google Image search, which once more becomes revolutionary. Thousands and thousands of photographs are stored in Google’s database and may be retrieved at the press of a mouse.

The Google guys created an infrastructure and a lifestyle inside the Googleplex that would make personnel want to stay there for most a part of the day – and night. Mean as they had been with spending on laptop hardware, they spent unrestrainedly when it came to developing the proper environment for their personnel. There had been unfastened food, limitless snacks, toys, roller hockey, scooter races, and masses extra. Even the buses have been equipped with Net connectivity so that personnel could be efficient even at the same time as they commuted.

External happenings additionally helped Google. The dotcom crash of 2000 left many incredibly able software program developers unemployed, giving Google get right of entry to a vast talent pool. Also, round that point, Microsoft become facing a criminal dispute regarding its anti-competitive practices. This made the Picture of Microsoft take a beating. Google, with its ‘Do not be evil’ motto, suddenly overtook Microsoft because the ultimate region for a software developer to be in. The creme-del. A.-crème of the software program career started out preferring to paintings in Google, Google search.

Google additionally actively recommended and fostered innovation within the Googleplex. Employees were loose to spend 20% in their time on new obligations that fascinated him. They did now not need to worry approximately whether it can be made worthwhile, or have any worry approximately its attractiveness or workability. They might so just work on anything that became of interest to them. Ideas were regularly mentioned in bulletin forums and over lunch. As an idea grew, it would get larger and bigger. Google also provided the assets to perform innovation. Out of this tradition were born numerous ideas. An avid reader of news came up with an concept of supplying customers with more than one sources of news clustered together, to help them analyze and recognize news higher. As a consequence turned into born Google news. Curiously, not like Google search results, the Google news effects are cramped close collectively. This denseness is meant to present the user with a good deal information as possible. The ranking is based on relevance, and also the supply. Any other innovation became Froogle, later renamed Google Product search, which helped customers find retail products to save.

google

Google soon have become a verb in numerous languages, which includes English, German, and Japanese. A variety of debates approximately Google were prompted. With records on humans best a Google search away, there were problems associated with on-line stalking of individuals. Google’s commercials, despite the business enterprise’s tests, protected individual obscene web sites. In academia, the usage of Google by way of college students in preference to the classically used specialized databases changed into checked out, on one hand, as increasingly more smooth and extensive access to facts, and on the contrary, seemed down as a shortcut method that fostered laziness.For all its reputation, Google hardly ever spent on advertising. Advertising and marketing occurred handiest thru word-of-mouth.

Google stored its homepage clean and freed from ads, preceding Thousands and thousands of dollars of revenue. It averted a pix-heavy homepage which would slow down retrieving seek consequences. It targeted on getting customers fast results, not like other sites which desired customers to live on their respective pages for so long as viable. It did not have a user lock-in – there has been no need to register that allows you to use Google seek. With the aid of providing an advanced product aimed typically at fulfilling the consumer, Google had eliminated any need for marketing. The most effective merchandising it did turn into through selling caps and T-shirts with the Google logo.

Google released a new application, to be able to drag users in the direction of Google in place of only looking forward to them to locate Google. Under this program, any website should sign up to use the Google search box in its page. Referred to as the associate application, it promised to pay sites three cents for every search that they brought to Google. Google, could, of the path, earn from advert revenue.

Ever since they’d got funded via the two VC firms, the Google men had been under constantly increasing strain to hire a CEO who could manipulate the business elements of the employer. Google had crossed the threshold past which an enterprise was required to head public, and the VC companies have been unique approximately having a skilled company professional as the public face of the organization before it went public. several applicants have been despatched to Brin and web page via the Project Capitalists, but none of them controlled to delight the Google men.

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buylaptopforkids-blog · 7 years

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BUY LAPTOPS FOR KIDS [BUY NOW]

Hat Makes best Laptops for kids proper?

There is an extended listing of incredible features that a computer can be ready with; in regard to hardware and software. For the most component however, kids don’t require excessive stop gadget with quad processors and a full TB (terabyte) of garage area. Every now and then retaining it easy virtually is better; so permit’s take a look at what factors kids themselves suppose make the satisfactory pc for children.

Portability. Just like the rest folks, children need as a way to take their devices with them, wherever they cross. Weight is an vital difficulty; children must no longer stroll around constantly with a 5-10 lb. Pc for a spread of motives. A version that heavy is much more likely to be dropped and damaged, it can purpose again troubles and fatigue, and so forth… accurate pleasant Audio/Video. A first rate set of speakers and a microphone are pretty excessive at the list of acceptable functions for kids laptops. Youngsters need so that it will video/audio chat, pay attention to tune and watch films and motion pictures. Video is similarly important; for obvious reasons. Gaming skills. The ability to play a variety of games is also quite essential to kids; each on-line and offline. Net browsing. With the ever-increasing reputation of social media and networking; it's far vital to younger human beings so as to browse the net, chat with their pals and connect to others that share their pastimes. 3 exceptional pc for kids opinions

1. Goldengulf Mini Android pc NetBook

The Goldengulf 7” Android pc is rated the primary high-quality laptop for kids. It is an exquisite desire for a kid’s pc; whether it is their first computer gadget; or they're extra familiar with technology already.

The small 7” display design makes it clean for kids to carry and to type on. It's miles a excellent desire for media and capability. The Goldengulf best weighs 1.6 lbs.; which is incredible for portability; and is geared up with all of the bells and whistles which you need for simple media purposes such as watching motion pictures/films, downloading and/or being attentive to song, searching through photos, video/audio chatting, net surfing, and many others…

This model additionally presents an SD card slot for additional media and files garage, or transferring things back and forth between the computer and some other pc. This models average battery lifestyles is roughly 2 hours; however it can without difficulty be charged at the go. All in all, that is an less expensive, attractive and efficient little device so as to provide leisure to kids of every age. It is a first rate model that became built to face up to a few put on and tear; making it a valid investment for a child as properly.

2. HP move eleven computer

The HP circulate 11 computer is yet another exceptional desire for mother and father that are looking for that ideal gift for their children. The 11.6” display is a bit larger than the average children computer, however it's miles nonetheless underneath 3 lbs.; weighing in at 2.82 lbs.; which remains an inexpensive weight for a child’s pc. The large display is first-rate for media purposes, along with playing games, surfing the net, taking note of track, video/audio chatting, looking films, and so forth…

The average battery life of the HP flow eleven pc is a top notch eight.15 hours; significantly longer than many different product fashions which might be presently to be had; especially with such a light weight usual package deal. Good laptops for children in 2017 additionally comes with a one-yr trial of the whole MS workplace application; which is first-rate for older youngsters that have homework.

This gadget is built to final, and is durable sufficient for kids to p.C. It around with them. Kids are positive to be satisfied with the massive screen, responsiveness in sport play, and excessive nice audio/video output of the HP circulation 11.

Three. Samsung ATIV e-book nine Plus

youngsters will love the Samsung ATIV e-book nine Plus computer for a spread of motives. For starters, it has a much large screen than the average child suitable pc, sporting a 13.Three” touchscreen with Quad HD, superb shiny era to surely deliver films and pix to life.

Internally, it's miles prepared with a medium cease Intel core i7 for faster processing and overall performance. This computer is top notch for children who need a good way to browse the net fast, watch motion pictures, video/audio chat, listen to song or do some casual gaming.

The Samsung ATIV e book nine Plus pc offers children get right of entry to to a spread of neat apps advanced through Samsung Apps which might be only available on Samsung gadgets. These include; games and e-books; in addition to instructional and entertainment apps. All of those wonderful and enjoyable apps are in particular designed to be used on the Samsung touchscreen.

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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Youll Be Outraged at How Easy It Was to Get You to Click on This Headline

This article will not restore your faith in humanity. Nor will it amaze, stun, delight, shock, charm, or in any literal or figurative way, blow your mind. What it will dohopefully in a clear and intelligent wayis explain why people continually fall for clickbait. You know, like you just did a few seconds ago.

Whether you think it’s on the rise, obscurant and self-negating, not such a big deal, or the root of all evil, one thing is clear about clickbait: It’s increasingly hard to pin down. Some, like Buzzfeeds Ben Smith, narrowly define it as an article that doesn’t deliver on its headline’s promise. Others think it means vapid listicles, quizzes, and Betteridge’s Law headlines. And then there are those who simply use it as shorthand for stuff they don’t like on the Internet.

Heres what most people can agree on: Clickbait is annoying, but by god, it workseven when readers recognize it for what it is. The word’s substantial semantic drift may be behind some of this effectiveness. But a hefty helping of behavioral science is at play, too. As a number of new studies confirm, you can blame your clickbait habit on two things: the outsized role emotion plays in your intuitive judgements and daily choices, and your lazy brain.

Manufacturing Emotion

Clickbait doesnt just happen on its own. Editors write headlines in an effort tomanipulate youor at least grab your attentionand always have. “Headless Body In Topless Bar,” and “Sticks Nix Hick Pix” wouldn’t exist if publications didn’t care about attracting eyeballs. The difference with clickbait is you’re often aware of this manipulation, and yet helpless to resist it. It’s at once obvious in its bait-iness, and somehow still effective bait.

This has a lot to do with emotion and the role it plays in our daily decision-making processes, says Jonah Berger, who studies social influence and contagion at the University of Pennsylvania. Emotional arousal, or the degree of physical response you have to an emotion, is a key ingredient in clicking behaviors. Sadness and anger, for example, are negative emotions, but anger is much more potent. “It drives us, fires us up, and compels us to take action,” Berger says. If you’ve ever found yourself falling for outrage clickbait or spent time hate-reading and hate-watching something, you know what Berger is talking about. “Anger, anxiety, humor, excitement, inspiration, surpriseall of these are punchy emotions that clickbait headlines rely on,” he says.

A growing body of research supports this idea. In a recent paper called “Breaking the News: First Impressions Matter On Online News,” two researchers looked at 69,907 headlines produced by four international media outlets in 2014. After analyzing the sentiment polarity of these headlines (whether the primary emotion conveyed was positive, negative, or neutral), they found “an extreme sentiment score obtained the largest mean popularity.” This not only suggests that strongly negative or strongly positive news tends to attract more readers, they concluded, but also that “a headline has more chance to [receive clicks] if the sentiment expressed in its text is extreme, towards the positive or the negative side.”

Mind the Curiosity Gap

Promising a hilarious or mind-blowing experience using hyperbole and superlatives (even when the subject clearly doesn’t warrant such language) is one way to attract clicks. Another is to provoke curiosity. Upworthy articles are particularly good at this and psychologists have a few theories why.

One of the more popular and enduring ones comes from Carnegie Mellon’s George Loewenstein. In the mid-1990s, Loewenstein came up with what he called the “information-gap” theory. It basically holds that whenever we perceive a gap between what we know and what we want to know, that gap has emotional consequences. “Such information gaps produce the feeling of deprivation labeled curiosity,” he wrote. “The curious individual is motivated to obtain the missing information to reduce or eliminate the feeling of deprivation.”

In other words, not knowing is cognitively uncomfortable. Historically, this is the thinking behind Upworthy-style “what happens next” headlines: “Someone Gave Some Kids Some Scissors. Heres What Happened Next” or “These Workers Just Want Money, And You Wont Believe What They Did To Get Some.” You can make people even more curious, say social psychologists, by presenting them with something they know a little bit about, but not too much.

Numbers and Lists

Umberto Eco famously claimed that humans are drawn to lists because we’re afraid to die. Psychologists agree. Sort of. As many studies show, lists do a number of things extremely well from a cognitive standpoint, including helping us “face infinity and attempt to grasp the incomprehensible.” Here’s a brief list of reasons list headlines are so effective:

They often use numbers, and numbers stand out when we’re scrolling through an endless stream of headlinesparticularly odd numbers.

Those numbers also help quantify story length and hint at the amount of attention (not much) we’ll need to deploy to read the story.

They organize information spatially, which is how our brains like information.

They feel good, existentially, because they eliminate (or at least downplay) the “paradox of choice,” presenting in its stead the illusion of certainty.

The takeaway here is that lists ultimately help create an easier reading (and thinking) experience. And there are few things your brain appreciates more than cognitive ease. As Kahneman writes, “easy is a sign that things are going wellno threats, no major news, no need to redirect attention or mobilize effort.” “The 15 Reasons Why You Can’t Resist List Headlines” promises a pre-defined endpoint and makes the world seem comprehensible. Lists banish mental heavy lifting, complexity, and ambiguity. Click.

Anticipation Is Making You Click

So clickbait employs a number of effective cognitive tricks to get clicks. Fine. But even if readers rely on emotion and cognitive ease when choosing headlines, that still doesn’t explain why clickbait continues to work. Fool-me-once logic should mean that their effectiveness goes down as exposure goes up. How many cheap emotional ploys, false promises, and empty listicles and quizzes can a person endure? A lot, it turns out.

Research has shown that humans are quite willing to put up with massive amounts of disappointment and frustration so long as there’s an occasional payout. And yes, sometimes clickbait does deliver these payouts in spectacular fashion.

Consider the following headline: “These 9 Unlikely Animal BFFs Will Brighten Your Day and Melt Your Heart.” There are hundreds of variations of it onlinemany of them better from a clickbait POVbut you get the idea. We’re talking baby wombats hugging baby kangaroos, maybe some tiny snow leopard kittens playing with fox cubs, that sort of thing.

It’s well established that humans are pre-programmed cute seekers. To our brains’ pleasure centers, there’s little difference between looking at cute animals and consuming sugar or having sex. Indeed, the same neurotransmitter, dopamine, is involved in all three behaviors. That dopamine can manipulate our behavior isn’t news. But the chronology of this process is important when you’re trying to decode clickbait’s effectiveness.

Think of those nine adorable animal pics as a reward (your brain certainly does). Now think of that clickbait headline as a signal, an imminent sign you’re about to see some super-adorbz animal buddies. Lastly, think of the actual clicking of the link as the work you have to do to get that outcome. See headline, click hyperlink, receive super-cute reward. Easy.

You might assume our brains get that wonderful squirt of dopamine after we get the reward (the pics), but it turns out dopamine levels go up much soonerwhen we see the signal. That effectively means the headline itself is what gave you pleasurenot for what it was, mind you, but for what it represented (impending cuteness in 321).

Stanford neuroscientist Robert Sopolsky summarizes the finding this way: “Dopamine is not about pleasure; it’s about the anticipation of pleasure. It’s about the pursuit of happiness rather than happiness itself.”

Happiness in Slavery

What’s really interesting is what happens when you reduce the reward frequency. When it comes only 50 percent of the time, dopamine levels go through the roof. In this sense, a violated promise isn’t a deterrent for clicking behavior, but rather an incentive. As Sopolsky says, “you’ve just introduced the word ‘maybe’ into the equation, and maybe is addictive like nothing else out there.” Psychologists call this intermittent reinforcement, and it basically means that one of the most effective ways to get a specific behavior out of a person is to introduce “perhaps” into the equation.

Now obviously not all clickbait canor even attempts tomanipulate our dopamine levels. But given its involvement in emotional arousal, it’s fair to say it does factor. This complicates the overpromise/underdeliver argument many people use to predict clickbait’s waning effectiveness. Indeed, on a rational level you may know that the adorable girl in this Clickhole video is right: you’ll still feel alone no matter how many videos you watch or how many lists you read. But behavioral science also suggests that reading about the 25 most awkward cat sleeping positions can also be an effective, if ever so brief, antidote to your existential isolation.