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quietmyfearswith · 3 years

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i’ll drive ; august walker x fem!reader 2/3

status — completed series

word count — 5,933 words

warnings — SMUT, unprotected penetrative sex, soft!august, confused!august

pairing — august walker x fem!reader

a/n — so i had driving lessons last september and thought abt how wow it would make a great story if a driving instructor fell for their student,, and the og idea had in mind was that for a dark fic i might still do one though idk but i never really knew which character to do it for. then i was like what if he was pretending to be a driving instructor and since i just watched mi fallout sometime last month thought id be perfect for august!! sorry i couldn’t publish this any faster, had some things going on offline so yeah lmk what you think of this chapter. there’s only one chapter left! Y/F/N = your father’s name

masterlist | series masterlist

“You want me to do what?” August scoffed as he read the mission file he was handed. Sloane raised a hand to the other agent who was about to explain it again; she knew that the Hammer would more likely accept the mission if she convinced him.

“We want you to pose as a driving instructor; from there you’ll be assigned to Y/N. Her father is Nick Roberts; do you recall who he is?” Nodding, August placed the folder on the desk and looked at Sloane with a scowl, “Yeah, I do. He transports Perez’ drugs and firearms in and out of the country; possibly close ties to even more underground activity.”

“Suspected of transporting,” The other agent — August didn't bother remembering his name since he rarely got to work with him anyway — clarified. “And how will me posing as a driving instructor get us to Nick Roberts?”

“Nick Roberts is just an alias; his real name is Y/F/N, and the one you’ll be assigned in teaching is his daughter. You get close to her, you’ll be able to get to Roberts.” It seemed like too big of a stretch, August quietly reflected; what if she cut ties with her father? What if he really wasn’t her father?

“Considering this is the only lead we have so far on Perez’ case, I’ll do it,” He eventually conceded; Sloane was pleased with that as she smiled, “Very well, take that case file with you to familiarize yourself with Y/N. Your lessons with her will be from Monday to Friday, the whole of next week. Understood?”

With a nod, he grabbed the case file and stood up to exit the room. Heading to his office, he figured that it was best to find out what he can about this Y/N. He read about how she had graduated college and has been steadily working in her chosen profession. Since the separation of her parents she lived with her dad, and by the looks of it has a close bond with him. It was amusing to him how someone of her age still doesn’t know how to drive; but nevertheless it was a blessing in disguise that she didn’t since it helped with their case.

Though her case file had her passport and driving permit photo, August made a reckless decision to look up if she had any social media accounts; and she did. It wasn’t usual for him to look up their target’s social media accounts — in the past he would settle for the provided picture on the mission reports and from there familiarize himself with what they looked like — but there was an itch he needed to scratch. There was something about Y/N that motivated him to look at her photos, thankfully her account was on public. “Can’t wait to see you soon, love.”

Henry James was his alias for this mission and here he was leaning against the parked car as he was waiting for Y/N. He held his breath once the door opened and revealed a girl in a romper. “Hi! Are you Henry?” She was too cheerful in her greeting he noted; perhaps that had something to do with how young and innocent she was. Nodding sternly, “See anyone else beside me, sweetheart?”

She giggled at his remark as she tucked her hair behind her ear — a nervous habit she’d develop. “Go ahead and settle yourself on the front seat.” She nodded and made her way over to the driver’s seat. As she sat down, she placed her bag on the console, “You have your learning permit?” She grabbed the piece of paper that was in the pocket of her romper and handed it over to him; he thanked her as grabbed it and filled out the information he had, “Do you know what to do once you get in the car and onto the driver’s seat?”

“Adjust the seat, adjust the mirrors, check the lights, and make sure I have gas,” She listed out as she did all of those. Clicking the pen once he’s filled in the necessary information he turned to her with a raised brow, “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Looking around her, she tried her best to recall the driving lessons she took and when nothing seemed missing to her she just shook her head no with a slight pout — August originally thought was a childish and foolish expression but she just made it look downright adorable.

Y/N held her breath as Henry leaned over to her so close that their noses nearly touched and his fingertips brushed against her skin as he grabbed the seatbelt, dragging it across her to click it in its place. She didn’t expect him to get that close to her, but she certainly wasn’t complaining when it gave her an up close view of how good he looked in that polo shirt; and the man too was surprised at his sudden move — he was debating with himself that he only did so to ensure her safety, just so she’d be alive and share about her father’s whereabouts, but there was this part of him that was convinced that he just wanted a reason to be close to her. “You’re forgetting the most important safety precaution, sweetheart; and that’s to wear your seatbelt.”

Smiling nervously at him she apologized to which he simply grunted at, “I trust you know how to start the engine?” Her confident persona surfaced, her right hand turned the key to start the car as her left hand rested on the wheel. “What do you need to do before pulling away?”

“Check the mirrors for any oncoming vehicles,” She glanced at the rear and side view mirrors, “Look over to your blind spot,” Twisting her head to look over her shoulder and verify that there was no one or nothing that was incoming, “Signal then drive away.” Turning on her signal light, she put the car from park to drive and began leaving her front yard.

August was impressed with her — for someone who was such a fumbling mess earlier was really focused on driving; he thought that was rare for a beginning driver, as they were far too excited at the thought of getting to go anywhere they wanted. “Good job. I have to say your focus is impeccable as well,” His compliment got her nervously saying thanks. “What’s the speed limit for residential areas?”

“30 kilometers per hour; Do I Just go straight?” They were nearing an intersection and she was told, “Yeah go straight; we’re not leaving the neighborhood just yet.” She nodded and just before she got to cross the intersection she hit the brakes smoothly as there was a stop sign. “One car there, still empty there,” Y/N took note as she moved her head left and right to check the traffic situation.

Once the road was clear she drove straight ahead and her instructor applauded her, “When you take the test, don’t be afraid to talk to yourself like that if it helps. And don’t forget to check if there was already a car from the opposite direction with a stop sign; know why?”

She nodded firmly as her eyes shifted from the road ahead, the rear view mirror, and the speedometer, “Because then they’d have right of way.” August noticed how the tone of her voice would differ; during the earlier part of their interaction, it was soft and low, but now as they drove around it was loud and clear. “When is your driver’s exam again?” He knew when she’d take it — he just thought that by asking that he’d somehow be able to milk information regarding her father.

“This Saturday,” She responded and it seemed that she was nervous about it given how her voice lowered again. “Turn right at the next intersection,” He ordered her. Seeing that she had no stop signs in her direction, she turned on the signal light and moved to the appropriate lane. Once she checked that there were no pedestrians crossing, moved to complete her turn.

“Notice how there weren’t any stop signs on two sides and yet there were on the two?” When she nodded he quizzed her again, “What does that mean?” Before answering him there were kids who were about to cross and she stepped on the brakes, coming to a complete stop and smiled as she signaled for the kids to cross. As she waved at the kids who smiled and yelled thank you she answered him, “Means that I have the right of way; even if someone arrives from the directions with stop signs they have to wait for me to pass before going on.”

“It’s great that you know the answers, some don’t,” He fed her some bullshit to which she bought as she softly laughed. “Well I don’t want to have to retake the exam,” Her lack of use of the word again caught his attention and was quick to ask about it, “This is really your first time taking the test?”

She nodded yes as she stopped at a four way stop, allowing a pickup truck that stopped before her. “How come?” Pressing her foot on the gas, she brought the car forward as she explained, “I don’t know really. My dad usually brings me to places or I take the public transport.” Bingo, August thought, here’s a chance to know more about his whereabouts. “And now? You’re dad can’t take you? Turn left on the next intersection.”

Nodding, she checked the pedestrian if there was someone crossing and stopped at the stop sign to check for any oncoming vehicles, “He’s so busy with work that he can’t. Especially now that he’s out of town.” Not enough information, August thought; but he thought that by asking more questions he’d come off as too nosy. “Do you know how to park uphill and downhill?”

“I know which direction I have to turn the wheels to but I haven’t done that yet,” He nodded and instructed her on what to do. After teaching her how to do so properly, they took a break as August made some pointers over the things he observed as she drove. “It’s good that you keep your eyes moving around to check your surroundings; but don’t stay focused on one place for too long.”

Looking over at her, his heart beat fast with how her eyes looked wide and eager — and somehow he adored how innocent she looked, as she had no idea on what kind of world she got herself involved in ; it distracted him for a while but he managed to tear his gaze on her as he cleared his throat, “But sometimes you turn your signal light on too early, so be careful of that. And don’t stop too far from the stop line, that gives you demerit points.”

She nodded and took a mental note of everything he said, “What about with my parking?” Henry opened the door to check the distance of the car from the pavement, “You hill parking is good so far; not too close or too far. Think you can do parallel parking on that car on the next street?” Y/N eyes followed to where his finger pointed to a sedan that was parked, “Might need some help.”

Appreciating her honesty August reassured her, “Don’t worry I’ll guide you through it.” With his words she began to leave where she was parked and crossed the intersection. Once she was helped on the parallel parking process, her instructor beamed at her, “Good job, Y/N!”

“Thanks for your help, Henry,” The agent admittedly was caught off guard at the name she used— his dumb ass nearly corrected her and told him that wasn’t his name — he blamed it with how sweetly yet shyly she thanked him so that made him lose his concentration. “No worries,” He gruffly replied, which had Y/N found was odd with how his mood seemed to shift given his tone.

“Why don’t we head back home but let’s go through the main road; know the speed limit over there?” She nodded her head as she answered, “60 kilometers per hour, but by Hammonds Avenue it reduces to 50.” Satisfied he rubbed his hands over his thighs, “Fantastic! Get on with it, love.”

Her breath hitched at the name he called her and she paused for a second before pulling away; August too had no idea where that came from but he just couldn’t help himself. The rest of the drive on the way home was filled with stiff and tortuous silence; the radio was not turned on since the agent deemed it would distract her from driving. “Do an uphill parking over here,” He pointed to her front porch. She nodded and poked her tongue out a bit as she concentrated on the task at hand. “Okay, now neutral, then all the way to the left.”

When she felt the tire hit the curb she smiled brightly and turned to Henry, “All done.” The proud expression on her face was so captivating that despite holding himself back he couldn’t prevent himself from mirroring her proud expression with a genuine smile, “You did well today, Y/N. Maybe next time you’ll be the one bringing your dad to work.”

August kept his fingers crossed that his jab would provide him with more information about it; and she partially did, “Not anytime soon though; he’s not due back for at least two weeks.” Despite being disappointed at the vague information he managed not to physically display it as he nodded, “Oh that’s too bad then,” He faked sympathy and unbuckled his seatbelt as she did the same, “Same time tomorrow for our lesson okay?”

Nodding her head up and down, she grabbed her bag from the console and checked the road before exiting. “See you tomorrow, Henry,” She waved as they passed by each other as he walked over to the driver’s side. When their skins brushed, they both could feel a rush of electricity and it made Y/N nervously giggle and skipped away from him without even looking back at him due to how embarrassed she was.

Whereas on the other hand August was confused; he never met someone who made him feel this way. The way she was looking or smiling at him had him weak in the knees; which was something he never experienced before. As she was swiftly entering her home, the Hammer found himself watching her as she did so; just need to make sure she gets home safely, he convinced himself. Though the rational part of himself argued back idiot, she’s already on her porch! What possible harm can come to her?

Once she got inside he finally got in the car and fished out his phone from the glove compartment to connect it to the radio and call Sloane as he began driving to his temporary apartment. After a few rings she picked up, “Walker? How was the first day?”

“Not too bad. Got some minimal information about Roberts,” He could hear faint footsteps on Sloane’s end of the call and inferred she had just gotten back from a meeting. “What have you found out then?”

“Apparently he’s out of town,” His boss’ disappointment with the information was heard through her long sigh, “Any idea when will he return? And to where he is?” He shook his head as he spoke, “Y/N said at least two weeks before he comes back from work out of town.”

“Well that can’t be good,” No shit, August wanted to add but kept silent. “Is there any way you can remain in contact with Y/N even after your week of driving lessons are done?” Glaring at his phone the agent voiced his disbelief at what he was hearing, “Why should I pursue this lead? Can’t there be any other way to get to Roberts? What about his associates?”

Sloane let out an irritated sigh — one she rarely had to let out when she was talking to her best agent because he usually got the job done — before explaining, “His associates change; they come and go. We never really found a certain person or persons he works with. Y/N is the only constant person in his life and so if anything really she’s our only hope of bringing him in.” The silence from August’s end indicated that she got through his head.

“Now, is there any way you can remain in contact with Y/N even after your week of driving lessons?” He was now parked in the car park of his temporary base and he thought for a few seconds on how to answer her question. Call it impulsivity or whatever, but before he could even clearly think things through he found himself suggesting, “Perhaps I can ask her out on a date?”

In the years they’ve worked together, Sloane was always impressed and surprised with how August managed to accomplish each mission he assigned her successfully. But this one in particular, he surprised her with his suggestion; heck even August himself couldn’t believe the words that just left his mouth. “I just think that’s the cleanest way to play this one out,” He tried to defend his suggestion, “What other reason would a driving instructor have to remain in contact with their student right?”

The Hammer was cursing himself out with how feeble his justification was; Sloane on the other hand did find herself agreeing with him, “Do what you must.”

The rest of the week went by quickly and Y/N found herself looking forward to every driving lesson she had with her gorgeous instructor. And now that it was the last hour of the last day of their driving lessons, she couldn’t help but wish she got more time to spend with him. In the back of her mind she thought about failing the test in hopes that he’d help her out again. But then it would backfire quick if they sent a different instructor instead.

“Parallel park one last time with that Dodge over there,” His instructions brought her back from the plan she was hatching and going through. As she was executing his instructions, she failed to notice how instead of looking at what she was doing, Henry was observing every facial expression she was completing the task at hand. “There! How was that?” Her eyes staring back at him snapped him out of his entranced stare as he blinked a few times, “Oh well,” He opened the car door to check if the tires hit the curb and how far they were from the curb, “Good job, as usual. Though be careful when you turn the wheel to the right.”

She nodded slowly as she repeated his comment, “How do you feel about your exam tomorrow?” At the mention of her dreaded test she groaned a bit and he chuckled softly — he never saw her this stressed about the test in their previous lessons, so seeing her react this way was somewhat amusing to him. She looked at him with her lips slightly pouting and the skin in her forehead all wrinkled up, “I’m nervous about it; but at the same time I feel like I can do it?”

Henry’s left hand settled itself on her forearm as he affectionately rubbed her, as if he were trying to rid her of the stress and anxieties, “You’re gonna do great, love. Just calm yourself down before taking the test and don’t be afraid to talk to yourself as you drive if it helps you focus.” Y/N’s heartbeat sped up with how gentle he was; over the course of their lessons he came across as stern and rigid but this side of him was something she could get used to.

“How ‘bout you drive back home now, yeah?” She nodded and did so without trouble. August remembered how her father was gone and wondered who’d bring her to the test, “By the way, since you mentioned you dad was out of town, who’ll go with you then?”

Timidly smiling to herself she admitted, “I’ve asked some of my friends, but they all said how they had their own plans. I was gonna ask some of my coworkers and see how that goes.” Clicking his tongue with how unprepared she was, his mouth spit out, “Well how about I go with you then?” Before his brain could even analyze if that was the right thing to say.

Seeing as Y/N was driving she could only briefly glance at him, “You want to take me to the test?” August now backed himself against a wall and couldn’t find a way out, to hell with it, he thought to himself. “Way better than you driving illegally is it not?”

“That is true,” Y/N acknowledged, “But do you do that for all of your students?” Henry let out a laugh and her heart fluttered with how deep it was before he remarked, “Not for everyone, sweetheart, I’ll tell you that.” Feeling cocky with that she mused, “Then I must be special then?”

If you only knew, love, August thought to himself; while Y/N was scolding at herself for possibly flirting with her driving instructor. But technically he wouldn’t be on the day of her exam because their lessons ended, right? “Wanna know how special you really are?” He leaned his elbow on the console, bringing himself closer to her and he sensed how she held her breath as her body stiffened. Shaking her head was the only response she could offer as she was now focusing on parking the car in front of her house.

After coming to a halt she turned over to him and looked at him with curious eyes; Henry then took it as his cue to speak, “You’re so special that should you pass your exam tomorrow, I want to take you out on a date.” Her eyes widened comically that August thought she was an inspiration for a cartoon character. And the agent wasn’t sure if what he was saying was spoken out of desperation for the mission to succeed or because he had taken interest in her.

It had taken her a few seconds before replying and the agent was surprised when she said, “Are you shitting me or is this actually real?” He rid the smirk he had on his face and replaced it with a serious expression, “This is real, sweetheart. Do you think I go around and grace my students with nicknames?” He took her avoiding eyes as a no and his hand grabbed her chin to get her to face him directly, “So do we have a deal, sweetheart? I take you out right after your test for a date, if you pass?”

August held his breath as she unhooked his hand from her chin and leaned over him, planting a kiss on his cheek. His blue eyes were now wide as she had a toothy grin once she pulled away and with a smirk of her own said, “We have a deal, Henry.”

August found himself tapping his leg as he stared at the wall clock, hoping that his domineering stare would make time go faster. Thirty minutes had passed since Y/N started her driving exam and the agent found himself reevaluating in the meantime. Was asking her out on a date the only way to get close to Roberts?

Of course it was, he thought, She said her father will return in two weeks. You’d only have to go out with her once a week and somehow bring him into their conversation and hopefully milk out more intel about him.

Seeing a man dressed in a flannel-patterned polo reeled him back into the present; trailing behind the man was Y/N who had a blank expression on her face. Furrowing his eyebrows he mouthed, “What happened?” Anxiety coursed through his body but it quickly left his body as she winked at him and turned to follow the man. “Do you want to retain your picture from your permit or want to take another one?” He overheard the man ask Y/N, prompting August to relax and smile as he connected the dots — she passed her exam!

But as he was mentally celebrating her success he found himself thinking about how he now had to take her out on the date he promised. It’s just for work, he deliberated, only going out with her to know more about her father. Nothing more, nothing less. However there was this thought nagging him on the back of his head that it wasn’t just for that reason he was taking her out.

Henry groaned as her lips sucked on the sweet spot on his neck as her nails were planted on his shoulders. His large hands alternated between squeezing and rubbing her ass as she grinded herself on his lap.

They found themselves in this situation after Y/N giddily squealed at August how she passed; the agent kissed her forehead as he told her how proud he was of her. As they went to their date he let her drive and as he settled on the passenger seat, his hand rested on her thigh, testing the waters to see if she was comfortable with it — and by the way her thighs pressed against each other, caging in his hand between them, he got the message that she welcomed it happily.

Even throughout the dinner, they both couldn’t get enough of each other. The skin of their arms remained so close to each other that it was as if they were glued to each other. Y/N was beginning to think that the only reason Henry ordered pasta was so he could eat with a single hand so his opposite hand can rest on her thigh. But she wasn’t complaining as she rested her thigh above his.

As they drove back to her place one thing led to another and it ended with Y/N climbing over the console and situating herself on Henry’s lap as their mouths captured each other’s. Y/N unbuttoned his shirt as her lips littered his chest with kisses, she’d linger sometimes in a certain spot long enough to leave marks.

Rolling her hips in his lap, she felt his hard on pressing against her clothed crotch and moaned against his skin. When her dainty fingers were done unclasping the buttons that confined his toned and broad upper body, her hand travelled lower to palm his bulge and before she could open the zipper Henry caught her roaming hand with his, “I think doing this in your house is far better than some cramped up vehicle; don’t you think?”

A blissed out nod was all the response Y/N could give; with that affirmation August opened the door and carried the girl out and shut the car door with his foot. With her legs wrapped around his waist, she planted kisses all over her instructor’s face. She whined as she was put down but understood that it was her cue to unlock the door; though the man behind her was not making the task easy as he was nipping at the skin of her neck and his hands were rubbing her arms.

“Fucking finally,” August rasped out as Y/N managed to unlock the front door and they both hastily entered and the agent shut and locked the door behin him; he spun her to face him so he could rip off her shirt and he smirked as the girl whimpered, clearly turned on with what he did. “Such a naughty girl you are, aren’t you? Going out without even covering these nice tits.” Wrapping his mouth around a breast, she ran her fingers through his hair to encourage him with what he was doing. Without detaching his mouth from her tit and instead switching between the two, he took the initiative to lead them into her couch.

Pushing her to lie on her back, August rid himself of his clothes; he was moving too quickly that Y/N didn’t have the time to take a good look at his chiseled body. Hovering above her, he smirked at her once he noticed her thighs were clenching, “You’re a desperate little thing, aren’t you?”

Pathetically nodding she grabbed at his shoulders, “Please touch me, Henry.” Snarking at her he tore her leggings and her panties had the same fate. Now that she was just as exposed as he was, August leaned down to lick downwards from her clit and to her pussy. “You taste heavenly, love.” He lapped at her more, needing to quench his thirst for her and curiosity of what she would taste like. “As much as I adore your taste I’m afraid this will have to wait,” Pushing away her legs that wrapped around his neck, he kissed his way up until he was face to face with her.

“Why not?” She whined as she clawed at his back, moaning as she felt the plain of his back muscles. He distracted her by kissing her deeply as his hand stroked his cock a few times before sliding it in her in one stroke. “That’s why,” He huskily answered against her lips; he moved so his knees touched her thighs, allowing him to rut into her properly.

August removed his lips from hers as he instead planted kisses on her neck as his hands toyed with her nipples and breasts; Y/N, on the other hand, was whining about how good he felt. The skin at the back of her thighs was rippling as he thrusted himself in and out of her rapidly and harshly; the top of his thighs hitting against the back of hers, “You feel so good, Henry. So thick and hard inside me.” The man smirked at her wails, loving how wrecked she sounded — in the back of his nasty brain he noted that this was his favorite version of her.

Her hands held onto his biceps, nails leaving harsh marks on his pale and sweaty skin; it turned August even more how her delicate hands couldn’t even wrap half the size of his arm. Her velvet and silk-like walls were squeezing into his cock so tight that it was triggering his orgasm already — the agent would usually last longer, but given how turned on he was coupled with the fact the past week edged him, he was already close to unloading his bottled up frustrations.

“You already got me almost cumming,” He hoarsely whispered in her ear, feeling her wrap her legs around him to pull her closer against him. That didn’t stop him from slamming into her pussy to the point his trimmed pubic hair rubbed against her clit, adding more friction and pleasure for the both of them. “Seems like you are too, love,” Both her nipples were then squeezed to tease her even more and August was just even more amused with how responsive her precious body was underneath him.

“Please Henry, make me cum. I wanna feel your cum all over me too,” She managed to gasp out in between breaths; the man above her growled when he heard how good she sounded as she begged and had no choice but to comply. He leaned down to suckle on her nipple as the other breast was being toyed by his hand. Her clit too received attention as it was being rubbed and pinched with his other hand. As his hips slammed against her thighs harshly and his cock railed her in swift and sharp thrusts, Y/N could only moan and roll her eyes at the simulations she was receiving.

The only warning she could provide him of her impending orgasm was her patting against his biceps as her walls unexpectedly clung to his dick tighter than ever and came around him. August didn’t relent and continued his animalistic pace, milking her orgasm and removing his mouth from her tit to stare at her blissed out and drowsy state provoked his orgasm as well.

“Fucking hell, love,” He groaned out as he slid in all the way inside her and didn’t thrust furthermore as he spilled his load inside her. With their foreheads touching against each other, they breathed against each other to calm themselves down. Y/N’s hands removed themselves from Henry’s biceps; instead she was now stroking his back, as if coaxing the large man above her to calm down. While August rested his hands on her sides, as if memorizing every inch of her skin.

Y/N squealed as she was being lifted up and carried into her bedroom. Contrary to how she was laid down on the couch roughly, her former driving instructor laid her down gently. Kissing her forehead he went to her ensuite bathroom and returned with a towel. Y/N looked at him with loving eyes as he wiped off their combined juices that spilled out of her delicious cunt. Throwing the towel on her hamper, he then laid beside her and August chuckled lightly with how quick the girl was to latch herself onto him for a cuddle — and he did open his arms to welcome her and wrapped them around her smaller figure.

“I hope you don’t do this with all your students?” Her comment had him humorously rolling his eyes and Y/N giggled at his antics. “No, I don’t, love. I promise,” He even held his pinky up for a pinky promise and she was more than eager to latch her pinky with his; bringing their tangled pinkies to his mouth, Henry placed a gentle kiss on them before untangling them so they could hold hands instead. “Well I guess I’m really special?”

Nodding, he lowered his head down a bit so he could kiss her deeply and passionately. Breaking their kiss August replied, “So special that I want to take you out again next week,” Without even disconnecting their lips.

Y/N sleepily mumbled, “I’d like that a lot, Henry.” Her eyes were starting to feel heavy and August kissed her forehead again, “Sleep, love. I’ll be here in the morning.” She nodded against him and did so. For the next few minutes, the CIA agent reflected his actions and decisions. He told Sloane that he’d ask Y/N out on a date only to remain in contact with her. That was it — a date.

But how the hell did he end up enjoying the date — let alone her company and herself — and then taking her to bed? This was a mess. He shouldn’t have slept with her for it would just complicate things. When August saw how she was steadily breathing, he moved out of the bed and rested her head on a pillow. He went out to her living room to look for his pants that he earlier discarded; grabbing for his phone he sent out a text to Sloane :

Secured a meetup with Y/N next week. Will try to fish out more information about Roberts.

He turned off his phone and put it back in his pocket. As he was staring at his scattered clothes, he was debating whether he should stay the night with Y/N or just leave right now. Even though he knew which option seemed like the most logical, he surprised himself. He went back to bed and cuddled Y/N close as he too began to drift off to dormancy — he stayed.

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thoi2020 · 3 years

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u have advanced??????? wow. tips to qualify mains please??? help me with my modules.how do i solve them?????????

hnnng idk bestie here's some short tips n like if u want something more specific u can send another ask or dm me?

pay attention in class. sit in the front. listen out for what things the teacher puts an emphasis on. ask questions. yes, even the stupid ones. especially the stupid ones bc those are fundamentals u cannot miss bc a shaky foundation leads to a shaky building. also pay attention to ur teachers. theyve been doing this since before u even knew about jee they know what theyre doing. most of them want whats best for u, and if not specifically that, whats best for them n their institute which are usually similar things. im not saying blindly trust them without criticism but have some faith. dont dismiss them they prolly know better than u. if id followed my teachers instructions i prolly wouldnt have had to drop (but thats a discussion for another day lol).

revise notes on a regular basis. like. the day u studied it in class. then the next day. then a week later. then 2 weeks later. then a month later. google the curve of forgetting for more accurate time stamps. use flashcards for formulae n stuff that u have to memorise like inorganic chem.

analyse past papers. recognise the most important topics. but also there are some small chapters that are quite easy and some people skip them thinking there wont be any questions from them. ive given 4 papers of mains, and i can confirm that is utter bullshit. 1 question each from units and measurements, mathematical reasoning, stats, chemistry in everyday life, polymers, are guaranteed. u can easily secure at least those marks by spending just a little bit of time on them. esp for jee mains its relatively better to cover a wide range of topics with medium depth instead of just some but with deep understanding (the latter works well for advanced tho).

make a friend or two whos in the same boat as u, preparing for jee n try to keep each other accountable. tell each other everyday what ure going to study that day n then check back the next day. remind each other hlep each other out. also be friendly with the class toppers sometimes they can solve ur doubts better than teachers just bc something they explain clicks better. whenever i get confused about logarithms i think back to what my 9th grade classmate told me when i asked him to explain in 1 sentence n had him repeat it slowly to me multiple times. its burned in my memory and helped me so much.

practice tests. set the proper 3 hour limit and solve them. be honest w urself ure doing this for u. no point scoring 256/300 to impress ur teacher if u cheated bc on the day of the exam ure going to be screwed. in the beginning try out different strategies, different ones work for different ppl. like for me, math is my favourite and i find it easier than the other 2 so i do it first and it gives me confidence. then i move on to physics and then chem. some people look over the entire paper n solve the easiest from every section first, then the medium ones, then the tough ones. experiment in ur practice tests n figure out whats best for u n ur test taking. after the test, analyse. see what u got wrong, why u got it wrong. clarify doubts. mark problem questions to revise and solve again later. no point in solving more n more questions if theres no retention or learning.

for solving books specifically under the cut bc this is getting too long lol:

stick to 1 or 2 books max per subject. make them ur holy books and swear by them. if ure doing coaching then the modules provided by them are a very good option bc theyre specifically for jee and will cover what u need. coaching teachers will have a lot of experience with them too so u'll have an easy time with doubts clarification. if u choose other books tho, still consult with ur teacher and ask them to tell u what's relevant and what isnt and dont waste ur time on whats not. it might make u look or feel smarter to be solving questions on stuff thats beyond the scope of the exam but u literally dont need it and the syllabus is already very vast so ure just going to waste time and brainspace. like sure if ure interested study it in ur own time but dont make it an Important Must Do thing.

ok now that u have ur book with everything relevant to jee, make sure u devour them. study the theory alongside ur class notes. solve a few questions of corresponding topics the day they are covered so u dont have so many questions lined up at the end of the chapter. like if i studied friction in newton's laws of motion today, i'll solve the questions relevant to friction today itself. or u know this week. like,, keep it current. then while solving, speak out loud and explain the problem to urself like ure teaching someone else (or better yet, find someone to teach them to. stuffed toys, younger siblings, ur classmate, grandparents, online friend, whichever works). mark all the questions that took u longer than 5 mins or u cant solve at all. dog ear the pages. try them again the next day. then again a few days later. take the ones u still cant solve to ur teacher. try n ask for just a hint once and try again. and then if u cant then ask for the solution. DO NOT go on the internet. ur brain doesnt have to work for it then n u think u got it but u dont got it. make ur brain work for the solution so it'll remember.

now that uve given a good shot to every question and figured out where u stumble. analyse a bit. find a pattern if theres any: like a certain concept that is weak or something ure not understanding. read the theory for it if u have to n ask questions to clarify. then solve these problem questions again and again until u know every question well enough to be able to explain to someone. skip over the easy ones u dont gotta do them again n again, focus on the ones u stumbled on. theyre the weak spots. no use strengthening whats already strong enough.

and uh keep a notebook of the solutions of the questions u solve so that u dont have to go crazy searching for them in an emergency. like ur paper is tomorrow and u cant figure out this question that uve been trying for 1 hour then its a good time to review ur previous solution and refresh ur memory. often if uve practiced enough n its just exam stress etc thats making ur mind go blank then just a hint will be enough to remind u.

also this is more general but just. be consistent. small consistent efforts over multiple days instead of a big one in 1 day. u’ll retain better and ur brain does better with multiple small chunks spread out over an interval than a lot of stuff in a small one. and its ok to to have an off day dont kill urself over academics ur health is more important always. not getting into ur dream college might fuck u up but itll heal but ur health is more precarious and not getting enough sleep or food will def fuck u up and the consequences are a lot harder to deal with. dont think about the big picture or u’ll freak urself out just think about the next small step u can take. getting 99 percentile feels impossible but solving 10 questions for it does not. dont get disheartened by test results if ure working hard n smart u wont fail. even if u dont get into ur dream college u’ll have an excellent work ethic that’ll take u places u never thought of in ur wildest dreams. more than anything, be kind to urself and work n play hard.

#good luck!!!#sorry for the unpunctuated typing this was long i cba <3 #anonymous #again this is just from my experience plus teachers' advice that i liked and saw worked #tw iit jee #lmk if u wanna know sth else?#hope this helps #long post

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f0xfordcomma · 3 years

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Hello!! Happy FFWF!! Is there anything in particular that you find hard to write? Are there any WIPs that you've just absolutely given up on cause you think it'll go nowhere?? (would you share a bit of it? :D)

Croisty! Happy ffw tuesday (which tbh is earlier than I thought I'd be able to do these, so be proud of me lol)

I wish I had more to go off of in my writing portfolio to answer this question, but I think the thing I have the hardest time writing/ have avoided writing in my wips is just unfettered angst or like horror/ violence. Like character death? Gore? Fight scenes? (ooooh baby I SUCK at fight scenes) all of /that/ is just not really my forte as a writer. Don't get me wrong, I am not opposed to hurting my characters, but hurt/comfort is more where its at for me. You've read my stuff, so you know how emotionally driven a lot of my writing is. I think I would have a hard time writing more graphic/ heartbreaking/ violent *stuff* in my style. Idk, it would probably be a good thing for me to practice.... but.... I don't wanna (hands on hips) sooooo I'm not planning to really do anything quite like that anytime soon.

As far as abandoned wips go, I've got plentyyyy (or just verrrrrrry dusty wips that are not quite abandoned but are sitting very patiently on the shelf waiting for me to have the time to get back to them) Violent/ angsty/ deathy/ fighty abandoned wips though? Not so much.

But for you, mon petit croissant, have a bit of a miraculous ladybug reveal fic that I wrote one night after having a little ~ouid~ and convincing my husband to put on a sheet face mask with me that I now have no intention of finishing (oops, rip me).

okaaaaayyy so this is actually pretty dang long lol but I'm going to share the whole thing with you because I just re-read it for the first time in months and its pretty funny ~if you ask me~ so anyway... under the cut <3

NIGHT OFF

Okay, so maybe it wasn’t a totally crazy idea to take a night off.

Besides, Shadowmoth’s akumatizations had slowed down considerably in the past few months, and he rarely ever sent out two akumas in one day. The battle that she and Chat had fought that morning was brutal, but they’d come out victorious against HoneyBadger. Still, the fight had left her exhausted and wound up. Shadowmoth was planning something, she was sure of it. She just couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out what it was.

Ladybug was stressed.

Add to that, the fact that end-of-term exams were starting up next week and she’d not had nearly enough time during dead week to actually cram. Something about black butterflies and cranky kwamis and a cheeky cat (who, in recent weeks, had been considerably less cheeky.) Not to mention, she had been receiving an awful lot of memes, seemingly without preamble, from Paris’ favorite male model. Nino thought it was hilarious. Alya thought it was suspicious. Marinette thought it was confusing.

Marinette was stressed.

All of it was stressful.

Alya knew when her best friend was stressed. She could usually gauge the amount of Marinette’s exasperation by the frequency with which her bangs went flying from her face, propelled by a huff and a heavy sigh. Right now, Marinette’s bangs were a mess.

“Okay, girl. You need a night off.”

“What? No, I’m fine! Really! Plus, I can’t really afford to take a night off right now, Alya… I don’t know what Shadowmoth ha—”

“Yeah, no. I’m stopping you right there. For the next twenty-four hours, this space is a Ladybug-talk free zone,” she gestured vaguely around her bedroom, which was scattered with printouts and pictures that Marinette had brought over to work on nailing down Hawkmoth’s possible location using Alya’s beloved akuma-map. “I know, I know. It pains me more than it pains you, truly. But I’m doing this for you. Tonight: you, me, drinks, distractions. You are taking a night off.”

“But Alya! What if—”

“Hush, you know that’s incredibly unlikely. And, in the event of this IF you are so set on, you know that cat boy and I will have your back. Even drunk ladybugs can purify akumas when they have the clawed crusaders on their side.”

“I can’t believe you gave in to his silly nickname.”

“It is a badass nickname and you are just jealous that we bonded.”

“I’m not jealous. I’m annoyed.”

“Mhmm… keep telling yourself that, girl. Now, back to the matter at hand: what kind of drunk do you want to get tonight? Classy or trashy? I still have that peach stuff from last month, but if we are thinking classy I might need to call in the reserves to get us some decent wine.”

“You won’t need to call in anybody, Al, because I am definitely not getting drunk tonight.”

“Night off, Marinette. Drunkenness is a prerequisite.”

“Can’t we just watch movies or something? I really don’t know if that’s too good of an idea…”

“Girl, we watch movies every night. This is a night off. Don’t think I don’t see you stressing all throughout movie night every week, anyway. You need to take your mind off Ladybug,” she gestured at the mess that had consumed her bedroom. “And get your mind back on Marinette. Superhero or no, you’re still a teenage girl who is supposed to be enjoying the last few months of college.”

Marinette pouted.

“Stop pouting. You know you deserve to have normal girl fun.”

“But Alya I—”

“No buts.” An unnervingly devious look crossed Alya’s face. “Unless it is your butt in that pair of skinny jeans that you and I both know you-know-who loves. Boys will be here in twenty. Get to it, girl.”

Marinette just gaped at her. She didn’t even notice that Alya had grabbed her phone, but alas, there was the tell-tale ping.

Alya Cesaire → Akuma class OGs chat

Alya: anyone down for a little last minute get together—my door is open and my bar is stocked

Nino: HELL YEAH babe!

NL: got a new mix i’ve been meaning to show you… so entertainments on me fam!

Alix: This thing got an itinerary or just drunkenness for drunkenness sake?

Alya: the latter, natch.

Alix: Sick! Count me in.

Kim: same!

Rose: Do you need us to bring anything?

Alya: anything you feel like sharing

Alya: otherwise, just yourselves!

Alya: Agreste~you better bring us some of that expensive shit that i know your pops keeps somewhere in that castle of yours

Alya: no fancy wine, no admittance

Alya: the rest of you peasants just bring wtvr

Adrien: uhhhhhhhhhh

Adrien: ALYA

Adrien: dang it! You know I feel obligated to steal wine from my dad’s cellar now

Adrien: do you know how scary my dad is!!!??

Nino: DUDEEEE

Nino: DO IT you wont!

Adrien: shuddup Nino

Marinette: Adrien you totally don’t have to! Alya is just being **extra** Alya today

Alya: i plan a night off for this girl

Alya: and this is the thanks i get??????

Alya: can ya’ll believe this?

Alya: ridiculous

Zoe: UTTERLY RIDICULOUS

Adrien: utterly ridic

Adrien: dangit

Zoe: lol first! sorry adrien

Marinette: ugh ty I guess Als xxxxx

Alya: awe she DOES care, youre welcome babe!

Alya: so sunshine… about that wine?

Adrien: yeah yeah yeah

Adrien: use my people pleasing against me why dontcha

Alya: gladly <3

“Alya, stop bullying Adrien.”

“No way, girl. Giving that boy a task is the only way to ensure he shows up. Speaking of which… butt, jeans, go, now!”

The doorbell rang. Nino had perfected the quickest route to Alya’s house from every part of Paris years ago. Yes, he was whipped; and yes, he was proud of it.

“ALYA! I have to clean all of this up and I have to go home to get those jeans that you’re so dead set on and…”

“No you don’t. Kaalki?”

“Right here, Ms. Rouge.”

“YOU USED VOYAGE TO BRING ME JEANS?”

“No way girl! Don’t be silly. Kaalki and Roaar just volunteered to be my errand kwamis.”

“You guys do realize that I am the guardian, right?”

“Of course, that’s why we worked so hard to get everything that you need for tonight.”

“I—you… wait is this my good bra? How did you—”

“Us kwamis pay attention, Marinette.” Tikki cuddled up to her cheek.

“Et tu, Tikki?”

The ladybug kwami just giggled and made her way to the pile of papers scattered across Alya’s bed, starting to organize them back into neat stacks.

“Night. Off.” Alya punctuated each word with a shove and a smack on the bum, directing Marinette toward the bathroom and shutting her in to get ready while she got the door for Nino.

#foxford just casually drops an entire dang chapter of a fic for your ffwf enjoyment #oops #miraculous ladybug #foxford writes #ml #ml season four #aged up adrienette #ffwf #ffwtuesday #thanks for asking!!#<3 #foxford answers #thatcroissantgurl #a moment of silence for my wip graveyard #cw: mentions of drunkenness #(they are old enough in france okay)

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llendrinall · 4 years

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Omg what if Draco was also a spy for Dumbledore? Like imagine him biting his tongue when everyone is hateful and cruel to him cuz he's gonna have the last laugh when it comes out he was a spy. And in this version Percy still fucks off. Draco stays behind cuz he wants to see everyones reactions (especially his asshole boss that made his life fucking hell) He could be a seer in this and secretly became friends with Harry during Hogwarts. Idk, add whatever you want ❤

Ha! I don’t know why that “Idk” at the end made me laugh.

I have different mental versions of Draco. I can see him more or less happy, more or less certain of what he wants to do or of his relationship to the wizarding world. Other things are fixed, they are the things that make him Draco and appear in all versions of him, like:

1.- He can draw. He might have more or less practice, but he can draw pretty well.

2.- He is smart in the sense of doing very well academically, being able to understand something instantly. He doesn’t need to put many study hours, so he doesn’t.

3.- He doesn’t like Dumbledore. Regardless of his relationship to his father and Voldemort, he just doesn’t like Dumbledore as a person. It has nothing to do with how Dumbledore treats people (although that certainly doesn’t help) it’s more visceral. Just like some people will look at an actor or celebrity and go “no, I do not find Jimmy Fallon funny and can’t tell you why”. This is the same.

So Draco would never become a spy for Dumbledore. Dumbledore’s spy, hell no.

However, at some point Draco looks at Voldemort’s white flabby face and thinks “oh, no, I’m not doing this.” He decides he is going to work against Voldemort, but with whom?

(Draco is very proud of knowing when to use “whom” and also lives in fear of getting it wrong).

Draco has to find someone who can be an actual challenge against Voldemort. The Ministry is out because they are stupid, incompetent and infiltrated to the brim. And who else is there? Potter? Draco goes to class with Potter. He has seen how he spells, meaning both his charm use (Potter knows one a half spells and that’s it) and his orthography. He simply can’t consider Potter a serious contender against Voldemort. Nothing against him, Draco actually, (secretly) kind of likes the guy, but Voldemort can read minds, knows all kind of ancient magic and performs incredibly complex curses and conjurations.

Draco has seen Potter lick ice-cream out of his t-shirt.

If Draco wants to get rid of Voldemort, there is only Dumbledore. Draco doesn’t spy for him. He does nothing regarding Dumbledore that involves the preposition ”for”.

But he shares information. There is a “to” in there. Give information to Dumbledore. He can do that. Draco is quite smart, so he is able to deduce Voldemort’s strategy from little clues. He knows about Voldemort’s quest for information (both for the prophecy and the elder wand) months in advance.

This does not happen in the same universe as Percy Ministry Spy, but Percy is acting as a spy nevertheless. This means that Dumbledore has a pretty easy run setting his plans in motion and ensuring Voldemort’s defeat. It also means that he suffers though some absolutely miserable months which probably have something to do with his enthusiasm for the let-Draco-kill-me plan.

Each and every interaction with Draco is a reeling experience. Draco is not handing the information for nothing. He wants Voldemort dead by next month and when Dumbledore doesn’t deliver, he complains. He complains (note the italics). Draco doesn’t ask for the manager because there isn’t one, but he actually asks if Dumbledore has any older siblings Draco could talk to. You could say Draco acts entitled, demanding and full of expectations, but those words mean nothing. Draco breathes past entitlement to land somewhere between “Angel of Vengeance” and “Greek fury”, only instead of a flaming sword or claws, he has attitude and an excellent command of grammar. What a horrible little child.

Meanwhile, Snape has developed the habit of twisting every conversation so he can say “pity you don’t have any other orphan available to sacrifice” and “oh, if only we had a child to endanger” and “yes, but how can we solve this by killing a child?”. It is very rich coming from him. Dumbledore is not amused. Apparently there is a line for Severus Snape and that line is drawn when sacrificing oneself for the greatest good.

(“Ah, but it is not yourself who will do the sacrifice, is it?” Snape says, and a week later Dumbledore tells Draco that of course he will let him kill him. Draco scoffs and rolls his eyes as if somehow that wasn’t enough).

And then, there is Percy Weasley. Neither Snape nor Draco are supposed to know about him, but they both know and it is unclear how. Probably Percy himself let them know (no, he didn’t). He would do something like that (no, he wouldn’t). Percy is a horrid nightmare (he… he may be). Dumbledore despises him (and how!). Snape will talk about Dumbledore not doing the greater sacrifice but Dumbledore honestly can’t think of anything worse than working with Percival Weasley.

(70% of Dumbledore’s dislike comes from the suspicion that Percy might be two or three points more intelligent than him. After almost a century used to being the most intelligent person in the room by far, Dumbledore does not like this new scenario. He misses Grindelwald.)

Dumbledore dies. Then so does Potter (briefly), followed quickly by Voldemort (permanently). Surprisingly, Snape also jumps into this dying fashion until he thinks better about it and survives, although severely wounded. Percy doesn’t die but as soon as the battle had ended and all Death Eaters are either dead or apprehended, he dissaparates right there from the Hogwarts grounds.

He sends a postcard to Draco a month later, which is kind of nice. There is also one for Snape and Draco props it next to the vase of flowers by his sickbed.

Thus begins the After-War.

By day two, Draco understands why Weasley left so quickly. It is a fucking disaster. Potter has to plant himself by Snape’s bed to stop the Ministry from arresting him. The man is barely coherent and barely alive and yet they wanted to interrogate him and transport him to a holding cell. The Ministry. The ones who allowed themselves to be infiltrated.

It is perhaps unsurprising that when the Ministry sends a hastily formed examining tribunal to Hogwarts, so students can sit their OWLs and NEWTs in August, the examining tribunal refuses Draco.

Draco doesn’t particularly care. He is rich enough that he doesn’t need to work and, in any case, once they finally start proper investigations and find Dumbledore’s trove of notes and testimonies in his sealed will, Draco will be exonerated and recognized as the hero he is. This insult or punishment, whatever you call the Tribunal’s unfair treatment of him, doesn’t hurt. Draco is immune to their attacks.

Soon after, he receives a letter from bloody Hermione Granger saying of course he can sit his exams, they expect him on Tuesday at ten. McGonagall will be there to put the fear of herself on the Tribunal and ensure they are fair.

And… he appreciates her intervention, he really does. Awfully nice of her. True moral backbone. It’s just that… Draco actually enjoyed the insult? He realizes now that he only attempted to sit the exams because he expected them to say no.

He sits the exams and aces them. They are particularly hard in the last one, the astronomy test. McGonagall coughs three times, rolls her eyes and finally says “bloody enough, don’t you think? He has shown he knows the material.” He sends her a handwritten thank-you letter just to be annoying.

Draco realizes that his behavior is very odd, but given that Weasley has fucked off to somewhere and that Snape refuses to heal so he won’t have to talk to people, Draco believes he is entitled to some oddities of his own. Thus, he begins collecting insults. From the low-brow and simple “Death-Eater scum” to the vitriolic “murderer”. The best, and the worst, are the ones that don’t come wrapped in words. Shunning and discrimination. Oh! He can’t explain it, but they taste tart and sweet.

He likes it. Not the dismissing, no, but the idea that they don’t know him and that their judgment of him is wrong. If that means they will also wrong him and treat him badly, so be it. It doesn’t change that he and Snape and Percy Weasley, are the heroes of the war.

He applies to a mediwizard program and is naturally denied. Then he tries a traineeship at the Wizengamot, also denied. Just for the fun of it, he applies to the Auror Office and receives a wonderful letter of rejection that has an actual dead spider inside the envelope.

It has been three months since the end of the war, now, and Weasley refuses to let himself be found. Snape barely manages to stay awake for three hours, and only with Draco. Evidently the stress of the war did a number on them, so it’s perfectly understandable if Draco keeps prodding and asking and applying to things knowing full well that he will get a resounding “no”.

You would think this was some sort of atonement for his past misbehavior and his admittedly awfully narrow views and even more abysmal manners regarding muggleborns. But Draco is quite sure he atoned for all of that when he lied to Voldemort’s face and, more terrifyingly, he lied to Aunt Bella’s face, stole their secrets and passed them to Dumbledore. He doesn’t need to punish himself any more.

No, it’s just… it’s just hard. He has spent three years with a carefully crafted lie as his only protection. It is not so easy to discard it. He liked that lie. It kept him alive.

And then, come October, the Ministry takes Malfoy Manor and all associated assets. Just like that. Puff. Seized. They haven’t even begun an official investigation on Draco, but they have taken his house as a precaution.

Now it’s personal.

It turns out that Draco is a vindictive asshole, who would have guessed? Probably everyone but him. Doesn’t matter. He will make them pay. The Ministry, the papers who ran the headline about Draco becoming homeless and the people who cut the page and framed it. They will regret it.

He moves into Snape’s ugly cottage because he has no other place to go and if Snape has any objections, he can say so when he pleases. Oh? He can’t talk? Too bad, then.

The Ministry has also seized his funds and Draco draws a line at using Snape’s meager savings (he assumes they are meager, he hasn’t actually checked) so he gets a job in the only place that would employ him: a seedy tea shop in the North side of Diagon Alley. The only reason the owner hired him was because the previous assistant tried to burn the place down and he was in a bit if a rush to find a replacement. After a week, Draco understands why someone would want to burn the place down, and that’s before his boss realizes that Draco is drawing a small crowd of people who like seeing him serving tables. From then on, he takes to screaming and insulting Draco for absolutely everything before turning to his customers with a smug smile.

Every time he or any of the customers complains, Draco smiles a cheap version of the smiles he used to give Voldemort and vows. Sometimes their words sting and sometimes they break against his armor. He lives in a weird state between immunity and pain.

Dumbledore’s actual true will, to be open by Hermione J. Granger (funny how he didn’t address it to Potter) is found in late December. Given the state of the Ministry, Draco expects that they will only get around summoning Granger by early February at best.

Weasley sends another postcard around Christmas. This one comes with an address, in case either he or Snape also want to drop everything and fuck off, he supposes. Draco writes back explaining he is bidding his time to exact just retribution over all those who wronged him and Snape is in no condition to travel. Weasley writes, well, he doesn’t write, he sends a third postcard with quite a nice drawing of a thumbs up.

Snape can now sit up and read the paper. He still can’t get a single sound out, but he can manage sighing in a very meaningful way. They receive another summon to have Snape declare before a Tribunal and he groans before passing out and staying unconscious the next two days.

All things considered, Draco is evidently the one coping better so he feels he can afford a little extravagant behavior like sitting in front of a mirror and practicing his own sighs of heroic suffering for when the vindication comes.

It comes in March.

The world goes absolutely insane. People knew that Snape had done… something, mostly because Potter had very obnoxiously advocated on his behalf.

(Potter is so obnoxious. He comes every Tuesday to Draco’s tea shop and asks for a cup of tea that he barely touches and stays there for an hour saying nothing).

But they had no idea of the extent Snape’s involvement. None. All the curses he surreptitiously knocked aside, all the misfired spells. It wasn’t just gaining Voldemort’s trust and acting on Dumbledore’s plans, he, Snape, personally saved two dozen lives with none the wiser. He was so good at acting covertly!

That should be enough to make any good newspaper editor foam in their mouth, but there is more. There is Weasley, going twenty steps ahead and being ridiculously clever and talented and just… knowing what to do. There is already a shrine to him in Coleraine because he did something very important there and the locals were merely waiting to find a name to put to it. Percy Weasley has been declared tax exempt in all of Ireland.

Draco merely has a meager thirteen lives saved on his ledger, but he also has three years of cleverly betraying Voldemort. It doesn’t look like much, but once details emerge of how he stole information and passed it to Dumbledore, the whole thing becomes charming. Double-o-Drac-o, is what the muggleborns are calling him. Snape assures him it’s a good thing, but he doesn’t elaborate because he is a bastard who pretends that writing tires him horribly.

Snape wasn’t planning on surviving the war and for the first time in years he is unprepared. He deals with it by trying to shut the world off. If he wasn’t so weak from his wounds, Draco is quite certain that he would have buggered off to wherever Weasley is now, to sit on the sun and be silent together. He certainly does not appreciate the wizarding world’s earnest interest in him. You would think that the fact that he can’t (or, at this point, won’t) speak would deter them a bit, but it only adds to Snape’s tragic charm. Some women and many young men are particularly attracted by it. Fortunately, Draco has only had to chase two of them out of the house because even though Snape can’t say a word, he remains very skilled at non-verbal magic so he hexes every journalist and deranged fan that has the misfortune of coming close to him. Meanwhile, Weasley doesn’t want to be found (“nooooo” says his last postcard, Draco is a bit worried at the lack of capitalization) and has a ten-month head start. He won’t be found.

This means there is only Draco. Shameful bronze medal in the saving-lives business, but with a delicious aura of cleverness and bravery, a whole year of suffering in silence during the post-war, and a face that was made to be dramatically lighted, photographed and printed in the front page.

Wil you answer our questions, Mister Malfoy? Oh, but he will, he will answer every one of their questions and give all details. No one has given so much, sacrificed so much, suffered so much as him.

“I literally died, Malfoy.”

“And I couldn’t afford dying, Potter. I had to survive. Now, get out, these people have some more questions.”

Potter has moved from coming every Tuesday to the stupid tea shop to visiting them at Snape’s cottage. Draco only lets him in because he might annoy Snape into talking. Plus, he is nimble, he can avoid all of Snape’s hexes and the extra exercise will do Snape good.

His relationship with Potter is… strange, but fittingly so. Everything else has been weird lately, why not this? Potter had always elicited interest, but once people learn that Dumbledore had more or less raised him for the slaughter and that when Potter found out he nevertheless went ahead and died, the press and the public in general goes even more rabid. You would think that with so many shocking stories the scandals would dull each other. But, far from that, the public is on fire, incensed, and each piece of news is kindling for the flames.

Potter, unfortunately, does not have a photogenic face (he tends to look like a sad lost deer in all pictures) and all the attention stresses him out. Draco offers him a mutually beneficial deal: Draco will take care of the press for him and Potter will stop the Ministry from returning the manor and his fortune.

“How is that beneficial?”

“I want to tell the press that they took it from me with no evidence before they have the chance to hand it back.”

“Ah, fair enough.” Potter says. He does not seem to be a big fan of the Ministry, which is a pity because this time the Minister is not attempting to kill him, use him, or run a smear campaign against him, unlike the previous ones. It seems that the odd behavior isn’t restricted to Weasley, Snape and him. The other Weasley (Ronald), Granger and Potter are also displaying oddities. Mostly, there is a lot of yelling at the Ministry (Granger) and at every single adult who ever interacted with Potter (Weasley, Ron). Potter isn’t doing any yelling, but he has taken to following Draco around and chatting at Snape.

(No, not “to” or “with”, “at”. He chats at Snape and Snape suffers in silence having accepted that Potter will deflect every hex thrown his way).

Draco doesn’t judge. He is still working at the horrible tea shop with the even more horrible and petty owner (who has no idea how to treat Draco now and spends every waking second alternating between insults and clumsy flattery) simply because he wants to lord over the Ministry that they took his house and money. If Potter feels like he has to follow Draco and harass Snape into making a full recovery, so be it.

There is, of course, the question of Weasley (Ronald) wanting to know where the only tolerable Weasley (Percy) is. Draco doesn’t tell, despite having his address on postcard number 2. That would be a betrayal bigger than anything he did to Voldemort. He could never do that to a person who managed to annoy Dumbledore so much.

What he does is sit down with two cups of tea and explain to Weasley (Ronald) what his brother did and what he went through and why he might not want to interact with any one he knows when, instead, he could be lying face down on a nudist beach in Spain. It helps. Weasley (Ronald) doesn’t track his brother down, but he manages to get him to reply to his letters. He is overjoyed.

The news about having lost his ancestral home and fortune come out and people are adequately irate. He enjoys it, but not as much as he expected. Some people squirm and blush and walk into doors with the embarrassment of how badly they judged him. Some even apologize to his face which is frankly disrespectful because then Draco has to be civil to them. Overall it is unsatisfying. He wants more, but he doesn’t know what he wants.

He almost accepts one of the multiple offers he keeps receiving to enter this or that prestigious program. He would make a good a lawyer. Fortunately, Weasley (the cool one) talks him out of it via postcard. The postcard has nothing written on it other than a smiley face (evidently the brother talks are going well) but it shakes something inside him.

This gives him the idea of apologizing to Longbottom (extremely uncomfortable for both of them) and Granger, who gets him in a number or boards and committees as punishment. Draco competes to be the most disliked person in each committee, which is hard because Granger is in some of them. She asks for immediate liberation of house-elves and a transition program for them and Draco finds himself demanding (just like he did with Dumbledore, full of bile and entitlement) historic reparations. Each blood-line who ever held a house-elf will contribute proportionally to the transition program. He gets death threats over it, it’s great.

Two years after the end of the war, Draco finds himself back in his manor, with most of his money (he doubled his contribution to the elf fund because then the families who want to wash their names would have to do the same) and, mysteriously, Harry Potter in his bed. He has no idea how that happened. He is quite certain he was too busy being a little shit to seduce anyone. Was he seduced when he wasn’t looking? How dare he?

He also has half a dozen very important postcards on his mantelpiece. The only thing he doesn’t have is an ex-Death Eater, ex-potion professor, living in his mansion because the old bastard finally got well enough to say “bugger off, both of you” and then fled to Ireland where the nice Weasley has got a nice little cottage of his own.

#asks #draco malfoy #verse: draco spy #Anonymous

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love-hope-faith-feels-like-a-lie · 4 years

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50 questions you’ve never been asked!

Tagged by the lovely @lorelaigilmo, thanks 💕

1. what is the colour of your hairbrush? Black because I’m basic like that.

2. a food you never eat? Tomatoes and mushrooms are just a no no for me.

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold, to the point my mum gets worried sometimes at me being so cold.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Reading.

5. what is your favourite candy bar? Kinder bueno is the first thing that came to mind, so I guess that.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event? Nope.

7. what is the last thing you said out loud? ‘She didn’t even close the door properly.’ I said that to myself as I got up to close my bedroom door.

8. what is your favourite ice cream? Idk, there are so many good flavours that I love, so I guess anything with cookie dough.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? Some H2O.

10. do you like your wallet? Yeah, I’ve had it for years now and I really need to get a new one but haven’t gotten around to doing so.

11. what was the last thing you ate? French toast.

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope, of course not. Why would you think that? Definitely not planning on buying clothes this week too, haha, totally not.

13. the last sporting event you watched? There was some sort of football match on tv, but I stood up and left the room when it was on tv. Wasn’t in the mood to watch any sports.

14. what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? My go to for movie night is sweet. But if I’m making my own, i’ll add so butter on it and add sugar which is really nice. I also quite enjoy the carmel one but rip to my teeth anytime I have any.

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? My bestie.

16. ever go camping? I’ve never been but I really want to.

17. do you take vitamins? Use to take them on and off but recently I’ve been consistent in taking them.

18. do you go to church every sunday? Nope, but I keep telling myself that I really should and that I will, but when sunday comes round I don’t go. Mostly because I’m lazy as hell.

19. do you have a tan? I wished. I usually get a little bit of a tan when I go on holiday during the summer but right now I’m looking like Casper. At least i’m friendly.

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza? Pizza is always my go to because It’s what I have more of but love them both and if given the choice I’ll happily feast on both.

21. do you drink your soda with a straw? I can do but I hardly ever drink sodas. They’re not really something I enjoy drinking.

22. what colour socks do you usually wear? A mixture of colours, from black to light pink. Currently wearing light blue socks.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? I don’t drive, yet.

24. what terrifies you? Dying. Not being good enough. Failing. A whole lot of stuff that if I keep going will open a can of worms that I won’t be able to shut.

25. look to your left, what do you see? My water bottle, glass with water in it and a Gilmore girls framed poster one of my besties got me for my bday, all on my table.

26. what chore do you hate? Don’t really hate any. Kinda like cleaning. Yep, I’m weird like that but cleaning the bathroom is always long so I guess that’s my least favourite.

27. what do you think of when you hear an australian accent? I think about Chase from House Md.

28. what’s your favourite soda? Not really into sodas, like I rather just have a soft drink or even water but If I had to pick it would be coca-cola cherry.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Well, I don’t have a car so I have no choice but to walk in like a scrub.

30. who’s the last person you talked to? My Mum.

31. favourite cut of beef? Idk, as long as it’s cooked well and tastes good I kinda don’t care.

32. last song you listened to? Currently listening to Hardest to Love, by The Weeknd.

33. last book you read? Finished Red Queen by Christina Henry the other day and started her new book Looking Glass.

34. favourite day of the week? It’s currently Wednesday because that’s when Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist airs in the UK. But when I was still in Uni it was Friday because that’s when I had my classic movie nights.

35. can you say the alphabet backwards? Not without struggling the whole time.

36. how do you like your coffee? I don’t. I’m not a coffee girl which is sad because Lorelai and Rory would definitely be disappointed but oh wells, it just doesn’t agree with me.

37. favourite pair of shoes? My navy and black converses. I’ve used my navy ones so much that the colour on them look more like a really dirty light blue. Really need to buy new ones. Maybe that might be my next shopping purchase.

38. at what time do you normally go to bed? Around 12-1am but that might change once I’ve finished with my uni exam.

39. at what time do you normally get up? Around 8-9 am

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunsets because i’m very up early to see the sunrise but it's nice too.

41. how many blankets are on your bed? Normally one but it’s been oddly warm lately here and I’ve had to take it off the bed or I would have melted.

42. describe your kitchen plates. Mostly white, but we also have some polka dot ones

43. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage? Any cocktail really. Gin Martini is pretty good the odd times I’ve made some for me and my mum.

44. do you play cards? Yeah, I love card games. Fav is Blackjack (Switch) played it a lot with my friends back in the day.

45. what colour is your car? We don’t have a car in London but our family car in Madeira is blue with a slight hint of green in it.

46. can you change a tire? Nope but I’ve helped my dad change one last summer.

47. what is your favourite province? *Shrugs* No idea.

48. favourite job you’ve ever had? Probably when I was helping with the summer school program at my school, that was years ago but it was fun and it’s crazy I was getting paid for basically just chilling with other students.

49. how did you get your biggest scar? Burnt my arm on the iron. My mum had just used it and it was on the window so it could cool down. I didn’t know it was hot and when I passed by my arm hit the edge of the iron and burned it.

50. what did you do today that made someone else happy? Helped my mum with some stuff she needed.

This was fun to do and longer than expected.

Tagging: @schnoogles @property-of-jason-todd @supernovaexplosion @harleyquins @regalmadness and anymore who wants to do this too, go ahead.

#tagged #get to know me a little

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mirkwoodshewolf · 4 years

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Mother dragon (11); Winchester brothers x reader

*Author’s note*

Okay first of all I would like to thank everyone who was patient with me for this next part of Mother Dragon. College has been such a bitch lately with essays, homework, and final projects that needed my attention cause in just a few weeks I’ll be graduating and I want every grade to count. So thos those who have waited patiently, I want to thank you soooooo much :)

And I would like to say I apologize for the shortness that this part maybe I wanted it to be longer but with what I had in mind, it needed to be it’s own chapter so I kinda left you guys on a cliffhanger *Salem’s evil laugh* But here we are finally shown our villian of the pic and boy do I have a special face cast in mind for him and for some (or most) of you you’ll end up screaming in your seats (it’s a goodie :))

Anyways idk when I’ll have pt.12 up it’ll possible be after I’m done with school and done with all my final papers/exam. But when I do, it’ll be nothing but pure updates of the series cause I’ve got the ending done and had it done for awhile, so I hope this satisfies your hunger for Mother Dragon until then :)

Taglist:

@onebigfangirlworld

@plethora-of-things

@psychosupernatural

@ixchel-9275

@waddles03

@deanscroissant

@izzyisavengersupernaturaltrash

@platawnic

_________________________________________________________

*3rd Person POV*

In the beautiful and one of the top capitals in all of England, Liverpool. There along a stretch of 20,000 acres of forests and woodland as well as a river path which lead to the sea stood a mansion as well as a warehouse jointed beside it.

Walking around the perimeter of the house were men and women carrying large guns that looked more like military weapons when suddenly they heard the sounds of three dragons roaring. They cocked their guns but as soon as they saw through the streetlights guiding the dragons to land safely, they knew better and lay down their weapons.

From inside the mansion a short, stoutly man who appeared to be in his late 50’s, bald and wore a white lab coat raced through the corridors until he reached the double doors that led to what looked like a study room.

Although it looked more like a master bedroom due to the size of it. Along with old antiques dating back all the way to the Medieval times, there were also dragon bones décor the entire place. Hanging along the wall like prized game like a hunter would sport an animal head on a mount.

There at the center of the room was a large Victorian desk and leaned forward asleep on said desk that sported dozens of maps was a man with unruly brown curly hair that made him look like a shaggy lion.

He was a well-built man. Not too buff, but definitely not lean, along his left upper bicep just below his shoulder was a tattoo of the symbol of Saint George slaying the dragon.

“Sir. Sir.” The doctor spoke in what sounded like a German or Swiss accent. He then entered inside the study room and walked up to the desk toward the sleeping man and said, “Pardon my intrusion sir, but your dragons have returned with the recent capture….” The man sleeping on the desk took a dagger and slammed it repeatedly on compass that was on the table, smashing it to pieces.

He tiredly raised his head up to reveal that he had a small mustache and beard, had piercing green eyes, and scars all over his face, including one that went down from the crown of his head, over his left eye and stopped to his cheek. He sleepily glared at the doctor and whispered.

“I was dreaming Doctor Zemo…..of the Alpha.”

“Deacon?” question the doctor now known as Zemo.

“And in my dream; I was—a magnanimous hero.” The man sat up against his tall chair which was engraved gold and red velvet cushions. “To the people of world.” He took a sip of some clear drink probably either vodka or ale.

But the surprise fact was when he lifted his other arm, there was only a stump left down to his mid-forearm.

“I even thanked the head of the Alpha. For his kind taking away my arm.” Which made the doctor cringe because his arm was not only taken away, but also burned to 3rd degree. “And for allowing me to get this fine arm. For gutting, and ripping throats of his own kind. Where one takes a piece of me. I take millions from him.”

The man continued to brag as he now brought out a metal arm with dragon-like claws at the end and as soon as he put it back on, it activated and he wriggled his fingers around testing it.

“So the dragons made you a better trapper sire?” asked Doctor Zemo.

“Made me better?” question the metal armed man.

He walked towards the doctor forcing him to walk backwards as the man continued,

“My bloodline goes all the way back to the first dragon killer Saint George. I never needed such luck such as this arm to make me better. YOU THINK I’M BETTER BECAUSE OF THIS!?!?” He roared in the Doctor’s face, his index claw just barely a centimeter away from piercing Zemo’s eye.

“No, no Lord Percy, no.” Zemo stammered. Percy glared soullessly at the Doctor before pushing up his glasses back from his nose up to the bridge of it. “Thank you.”

“Thank Lucifer his Beta went deaf.” Percy got out of Zemo’s face and went back over to his desk to put his metal arm into a bowling pot of water. Filled with flour, vinegar and salt to clean up the metal claws and buffer them up a bit as he continued, “If that cousin of yours hadn’t put him in the river, he’d have killed me by now. Why did you wake me doctor?”

“Lord Percy; your dragons have come back. And they brought back the one that killed Dragon 346782.” Percy shot his arm up, his claws now shining under the light of his office dripping with left over vinegar.

“Show me the beast!” he hissed.

Once the dragons fully landed and dragged the unconscious body of (y/n) towards the mansion, Percy as well as some other trappers and hunters gathered around. The dragon that held (y/n) in it’s grip dropped her down like a piece of meat.

“That is no beast. It’s a girl.” Said Doctor Zemo.

“I can see that it’s a girl you imbecile! Now why did this stupid reptiles bring me a human!?” he yelled at the acid spitters which made them submit fearfully as they backed away.

“Hey boss, you seen the armor she’s wearing?” asked a strongly built hunter who had a crossbow strapped to his back. Percy knelt down and touched the armor and was in awe.

“Dragon skin?”

“You think she’s a hunter too? Trapper even?”

“Whoever this girl is, she’s valuable. But we can’t have her rushing away so quickly. At least not before I get the chance to talk to her. Take her to the guest quarters and alert me when she wakes up.”

“Yes boss.” He then flung (y/n) over his shoulder and Percy couldn’t help but stare at the unconscious girl with intriguing eyes.

Meanwhile miles away as the sun began to rise, Warren flew back towards the den hoping to find the Winchester brothers and Castiel.

He flew as fast as he could back towards the den hoping to find them and give them the helmet that (y/n) had given them as a warning that something bad had happened to her.

Back at the den, Sam and Dean just woke up and walked out of the den to see Castiel standing out almost as if he were on patrol.

“What’s going on Cas?” asked Sam.

“It’s been a couple of days since (y/n) left the den and I’m beginning to worry about her.”

“Wait you—you mean to tell me (y/n) is gone again!?” Dean snapped.

“Can’t you find her? Use the Enochian tracker you placed on us?”

“I am but—it’s like I’m being blocked from seeing her.” Soon coming over the horizon, Cas saw Warren flying toward them. “But I think I might know someone who might know. Warren’s back, and he was the reason she left the den.”

“I swear if that British blonde-headed dick killed her or even laid a scratch on her, I don’t care what will be his fate, I’ll end it right here, right now.” Sneered Dean.

Soon enough Warren landed panting heavily as his wings tucked back into his back.

“And where the hell have you been?” snapped Dean. Warren looked up and said.

“What?”

“I said where the hell have you been?!”

“You’ll have to speak up Winchester I—I’m a little hard at hearing, especially after long flights.” Before Dean could pop his lid off, Cas held him back before walking towards the dragon.

“Where’s (y/n)? I know she went after you the other day after the rumble with Kisara.”

“She did come after me yes. And she kept trailing me, stubborn girl you have to deal with.”

“She can be that. But where is she Warren?”

“We got caught in one of Percy’s traps. Soon more of his dragons, the acid spitter that invaded the nest shortly after you all found out about her little dragon secret. She sent me back here to you three to give you this.” Taking out of his black leather jacket was (y/n)’s dragon helmet. “She used herself as a decoy allowing me to escape. But I’m afraid she might’ve been kidnapped and taken to Percy.”

“The same Percy that’s been hunting you all?” asked Cas. Warren nodded. Cas looked down at the helmet and said to Warren. “Stay here, I’ll talk to the brothers.” He then turned away and walked back towards the Winchesters.

“So what’s going on Cas? Did he hurt her?”

“No. In fact it’s worse than her getting injured by a deaf dragon with anger management issues. She’s being taken by those acid spitters to Percy. The dragon hunter that’s been after this nest for years now.”

“Wait you mean the one Deacon and Stephen told us about in that story?” asked Dean.

“Yes. He comes from a long line of dragon hunters, going back to the very first known dragon slayer.”

“Saint George.” Answered Sam.

“Correct.”

“Wait but why would he want (y/n)?” asked Dean. “And just where does this guy live?”

“Do you think Warren might know?” Sam suggested.

“It’s a longshot but maybe.”

“How do we know we can trust him? I mean guys c’mon after all he’s tried to kill (y/n) on several occasions, he almost killed Kisara’s first litter of unborn babies, he’s not exactly on our side.”

“On our side or not, he still came back and told us where (y/n) is at and gave us this.” Cas said as he held up her dragon helmet. “And the more time we waste here, the more time Percy could be doing who knows what to her. If he’s as ruthless as I’ve heard, then there’s no doubt he’ll treat (y/n) like any other dragon he can get his hands on.”

Soon the three hunters were in agreement.

“Hey Warren!” Dean exclaimed. The blonde dragon looked up at them and Dean continued, “You got any idea where Percy’s hideout is?”

“I might know the way. But getting in there won’t be easy. Not only does he have his lackie trappers and hunters guarding the entire perimeter of his home, but he also allows his acid spitters to patrol. You three won’t last long.”

“Well we’ve survived worse. Plus she’s our sister. And we don’t leave family behind.” Said Sam. Warren exhaled through his nose deeply and muttered.

“I may live to regret this.” He then phased into his dragon form and lowered his right wing for the brothers and the angel. All three of them climbed up onto Warren’s back and he took off flying.

However they were unaware of the snake-like dragon that was listening in from the shadows of the den.

As they flew higher in the sky, Castiel heard Warren’s voice say to him.

‘Give me that helmet. I’ll be able to track her easier if I have something that has her scent.’ Cas then handed the mask to Sam and said to him.

“Give that to Warren.” Sam nodded and as Warren curled his neck inward, Sam lowered the helmet so that Warren could take a deep inhale of (y/n)’s scent. He extended his neck back outwards and sniffed a couple of times before his pupils sharpened into a snake’s and he let out a roar.

“He’s got her. Hang on!” Cas told the brothers and almost on a dime, Warren flew faster towards Percy’s mansion.

*My POV*

When I finally woke up, I found myself in some sort of prison. Unlike the prison cell back in the dragon’s den, this felt like I was in an actual prison cell. There was nothing but metal walls all around me, however instead of being chained up against the wall I was lying on a bed.

“What the hell?” I muttered. I soon heard locks on the door being unlocked and as soon as it opened, there stood a woman with short black hair, stern cold brown eyes and a tattoo of a raven on the side of her neck.

“You’re awake. That’s good.” She said in an ‘I don’t care’ kind of tone.

“Yeah, and who are you?”

“My name is irrelevant to you. The boss would like to see you.”

“So soon? Whatever will I wear?” I sassed at her and it was at that moment I was slammed against the wall being pinned by her and she sneered.

“Don’t get cute kid!”

“Ah, ah, ah remember what I had said earlier Jane dear.” We both turned and there I saw a man with a messy mane of curly brown hair, I noticed that he only wore one black glove on his right hand. The woman glared at the man before literally dropping me down to the floor and trudging out of the room in a huff. “So sorry about her love, Jane can be quite—eccentric at times.”

“I’ve dealt with worse.” I said as I stood back up and rubbed my neck.

“You don’t seem like one whose dealt with worse.” He said.

“Believe me you don’t know the half of it.”

“Please allow me to introduce myself, my name is Percy.” He said as he held out his bare hand instead of the gloved one. I was skeptical about him but I shook his hand.

“Diana Fischer.” I gave him one of my many FBI alias that I came up with along with Sam and Dean. “Where—exactly am I?”

“In my mansion. 20,000 acres of forests and woodlands that have belonged to my family for generations.”

“Damn, my childhood neighborhood was only an acre.”

“Well when you come from a privileged bloodline it comes with the territory. I never really cared for much of it. It’s just for show if I’m honest.”

“So why am I here? Surely a rich man with a house such as this doesn’t just bring guests like me over? Much less with a dragon welcoming committee.”

“Ahh yes. See they’re really just for security purposes really. Something my team decided was a good idea.” Of course I knew he was lying because I knew the real reason why thanks to my son and his friends.

“Of course. And they just assumed I was a threat.”

“Afraid so, but don’t worry I will deal with them later. Oh silly me where are my manners you must be starving poor girl, please why don’t you join me for dinner? Maybe have a drink. You—are legal to drink right?”

“Yes I’m 23.”

“Marvelous.” He then guided me out of the room and I was now in an elegant dining hall that looked like it belonged in the 15th century with a large chandelier hanging over the table and a gourmet food selection as far as the table reached from each side of the room. “Please take a seat by me and have whatever your heart desires.”

He sat down at the head of the table and I sat to his right and looked at every piece of food imaginable. I’ll tell you if Sam and Dean were here, they’d go completely gaga over this food, especially Dean when I saw that there was chicken, pork, steaks, turkey, and any other kinds of meat.

Sam would have a field day with the fruits and salads around the table, it was like a farmer’s market shrunk to miniature size and parked itself right onto the table. There was also dessert trays like Turkish delight, chocolate turtles, Crème brûlée, cakes, ice cream, etc.

“So Diana, since I told you a little bit about me, why not tell me about yourself?”

“Oh I couldn’t possibly. My story is boring compared to yours.”

“No really I insist.” Percy said as he reached out for some of the ham slices and Turkey legs. Knowing that he probably had an idea to spike or poison whatever food I would go for, I reached for the same foods he did, no matter what he picked. “For one thing I must compliment this suit you’ve got on. I mean it’s absolutely phenomenal. Who designed it?”

“I did.”

“Really? Well then you must be a clever girl. What exactly are it’s mechanisms?”

“Simple pully structures and leather texture.” I gave him a brief synopsis without telling him everything.

“Hmm. Now the scaling patterns you’ve designed into it. Looks almost like real dragon skin. Have a fancy for them?”

“My knowledge of them only exists through Game of Thrones and how to train your dragon. With a bit of Dragon heart mixed in.”

“They are magnificent beasts of mythology aren’t they?” he asked me.

“You could say that.” I said nonchalantly. “What’s your opinion on dragons?”

“Oh well my family has been in ties with dragons since the Medieval ages.” I looked around and saw a painting of Saint George himself hanging proudly just above his head. “You know something Diana. You strike me as the type of young woman who is a fighter.”

“And what makes you say that?”

“Well beyond the self-manufactured suit. You have this look in your eyes that just screams like you’ve seen hell and back.” Oh you have no idea.

Suddenly I felt a little queasy and my head started spinning like a top. What the hell? But he—I was grabbing the same foods he did, why was he not affected by it?

“Seems we’re feeling a bit under the weather, aren’t we Diana? Or should I say (y/n) (l/n).” How the hell did he know my real name? It was then two hulky strong men.

They roughly picked me up and that’s when I saw Percy take out a needle filled with a purple serum.

“Let’s start over now shall we? Starting with how you were able to take down one of my dragons on your own?” He came right up to me and injected the needle into my neck and I just let out the most agonizing scream.

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dancerstudying · 5 years

Text

first semester: grades + some thoughts

hi friends! so, I just finished my first semester of college (aka university to those of you not in the US). after a week of finals and lots of stress, I’m now at home, safely ensconced in the couch doing as little as possible. however, final grades were due today, so I thought I’d take a moment to run through what my grades were and kind of reflect on them. I wanted to do this both bc I thought it could give people a better idea of the transition b/t high school and college grades-wise, and also as a record for myself.

a note/disclaimer:

if you don’t want to know what my grades were, you don’t have to read this! I’m not trying to brag and I don’t want this to be something to compare yourself to! everyone is on their own path and has their own definition of success -- a bad grade for me might be a great one for you, and vise versa.

also, this will probably get pretty long. grab a snack.

some background about grades in the US

grades are given on a scale from A to F, with A being the best and F being a fail (we skip E tho idk why). grades are based on a combo of exams, quizzes, assignments, and essays, with the specific percentage/which of these counts determined by the professor. this varies from school to school or even from class to class but generally the scale is

A: >93.3%

A-: 90-93.3%

B+: 86.7-89.9%

B: 83.4-86.6%

B-: 80-83.3%

ok I’m tired of typing things out but you get the point. this pattern continues in the 70s for C and the 60s for D. usually anything below a 60 is an F (fail) but again this can depend. some classes are graded on a curve, where the grade boundaries are moved either up or down so that the majority of students get a B-/C+, which is supposed to be the average. this prevents grade inflation and also helps you out if the class is very difficult and test averages are in the 50s or 60s (pretty common for classes like organic chemistry).

some background about my grades in high school

I feel like this info is important for context and also to give an idea of the academic level I generally operate at (okay that sounds v pretentious). anyway, it’s pretty generally expected that you can expect to see a drop in your grades from high school to college. this differs based on a ton of things, but almost everyone experiences it so it’s totally normal and to be expected! anyway, I went to a fairly competitive and well-ranked public (government funded) high school, and I grew up in a well-educated university town, so I felt I was pretty prepared for college. I took mostly AP/honors courses and ended with a 3.95 GPA (unweighted) when I graduated. basically, I was almost a straight A student with a few Bs in there (thanks to pre-calc and AP Spanish).

I’m now at a fairly selective school, though not anything close to the Ivy League -- I think the acceptance rate for my class was 17-18%. of course, selectivity is not a great indicator of how difficult classes are, as many selective schools (particularly Ivy Leagues) have rampant grade inflation.

my majors are neuroscience and dance and I’m on a pre-med track.

anyway, let’s get down to the nitty gritty: my grades this semester.

early modern England (3 credit hours): A-

I took this course because I placed out of introductory writing but still needed a writing-intensive course and it seemed interesting enough. honestly, it was much more difficult than I expected. I consider myself a fairly good writer, but the professor I had for this course was a tough grader for papers. I did manage to get an A on my final paper which was a victory. after easily getting all As in writing and history classes in high school, an A- is a little hard to accept. however, I worked really hard in this class and am honestly satisfied with my grade as I know most people do not do as well in this class. it was also a 2000 (sophomore level) class, so I was definitely being challenged.

intensive ballet IV (3 credit hours): B+

so, this is my lowest grade. at first, I was really disappointed by it, but it is a 4000 level course (mostly juniors and seniors) and we’re graded based partially on skill, so I have to accept it and move on and just hope to do better next semester as I’m taking ballet IV again. I know I could have worked harder in this class so I’m not going to complain about it, just learn from it and try to improve.

intro to cell & molecular biology (3 credit hours): A

this is probably what I’m proudest of. this class is known for being a true weed-out course for pre-meds and most people just hope to pass, but I got an A! it feels especially good because I know I worked hard for it and didn’t just skate by on natural intelligence. I also hadn’t taken biology since freshman year of high school so there was a steep learning curve. I didn’t just do well, I honestly learned so much and doing well in this class confirmed for me that pre-med is the right choice.

general chemistry I - lecture (3 credit hours): A-

I have such a complicated relationship with chemistry, and honestly, I’m really glad I’m done with this class. I hate to blame professors but sometimes you just get a really bad one and this was one of those cases. his lectures were extremely disorganized and he didn’t explain things clearly at all. it’s partially my fault that I didn’t get an A, though, as I definitely could have put more time and thought into studying, especially for the final. it was just so hard to stay motivated when I could barely follow lectures. I have to take gen chem II next semester but thank god I have a different professor.

general chemistry I - lab (1 credit hour): A

not much to say about this one. I’m happy to have gotten an A since it really intimidated me at first -- lab in college is way more serious than in high school. I learned how to write a proper lab report which is an important skill as a science major.

honors colloquium (1.5 credit hours): A

I loved this class soooo freaking much. everyone in the honors program has to take a first year seminar and I chose one about modernism and if it’s still relevant to the contemporary world. it was also a discussion based class which I love and I got to write my final paper on literally any topic I wanted and how it was related to modernism (mine was about the modernist search for identity in The Handmaid’s Tale, and I’m so proud of that paper, especially considering I wrote it the day it was due). anyway, not a super hard class, but still proud of that A.

urban sociology (3 credit hours): A

another class which I loved. I found it kind of easy as it was mostly memorization of concepts and theorists and I have a good memory, but I did put more effort in than I would have to an “easy” class in high school, and was rewarded by getting 100% on the final! would highly recommend sociology to literally anyone -- I’m taking another sociology class next semester and am considering a minor in it.

dance company (1 credit hour): A

this is like, not a real grade because dance company isn’t even a real class -- it’s just on my schedule so I can get credit for performing in the fall dance show. I’m pretty sure everyone who shows up to rehearsals and performances gets an A. regardless, I’m happy for the boost to my GPA.

so that’s it! overall, I ended with a 3.7925 GPA. I have to confess that it is slightly lower than I would have liked, but I’m overall happy with my efforts considering this was my first semester of college. my class load next semester is a little bit lighter, both in terms of credits and in terms of difficulty of classes, so that will hopefully make things a little more manageable. I have to have a 3.6 by the end of this year and a 3.8 by the end of sophomore year to stay in the honors program, and considering I’m almost at a 3.8 now I think it’s completely doable.

I hope this was useful to those of you who are starting college soon. obviously this differs from school to school and especially if you’re not in the US, but in general you can expect a slight dip in your grades. it shouldn’t be anything dramatic if you can keep organized and on top of things, but there are a lot of transitions associated with starting college so don’t feel badly if things don’t go according to plan! you have time to make up for it, and med schools/law schools/grad schools know that grades your first semester of freshman year are not necessarily fully reflective of your abilities and will likely pay more attention to your grades later on.

thanks for reading this whole rambling thing! also, I might make a separate post about differences in grades between high school and college (how things are weighted, harshness of grading, etc.) so let me know if you’d find that helpful!

#study #studyblr #studyspo #university #college #grades

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littlespoonevan · 7 years

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You're a teacher?!!! Thats so cool! I also want to be a teacher but im not sure - im doing my exams next year. What age/subject do you teach? And is it enjoyable? Sorry to ask but I am kinda worried about my future 😐 so I'm finding out about different jobs that I may be interested in

aww hi, bb, i don’t mind answering at all!!!

I teach English and History and I’m teaching secondary school students so anywhere between 12 and 18, though this year I’m only teaching 12-14 year olds! I love teaching and it’s something I’ve always wanted to do but I wanna tell you a lil bit about the side you don’t hear first:

I don’t know where you’re from so I can’t speak for whatever teacher course you might have to do but my masters is fucking tough. It’s a lot of work, it’s physically and emotionally draining (during our orientation our lecturers literally told us to make sure we made time to eat and said we should use any break we have to catch up on sleep). I have given myself stress migraines on numerous occasions and was sick just last week because I was so burnt out my body physically just needed to Stop. I’ve barely seen my friends all year because I literally don’t have time, I’ve had to keep on my part-time job at the weekend bc I don’t get paid to teach while I’m studying (idk if that’s the same everywhere though), okay, it’s a Lot.

You constantly have to keep on top of your work because it’s so easy to fall behind. Again, I don’t know what your course would ask of you but the amount of paperwork I have to do in terms of my teaching file plus assignments for different modules is legit neverending. I know enough qualified teachers to know the paperwork gets a hell of a lot easier when your masters/degree is over though. So that does get ten thousand times easier but while studying there’s a lot asked of you.

Having said all that, I love teaching. I love it so, so much. I literally decided when I was 7 that I wanted to be a teacher and I haven’t wavered once. And I was so scared at the beginning of the year that I wouldn’t like it because it’s all I’ve ever wanted so I never considered anything else but I really do feel like it’s what i was made to do :’) I feel so comfortable standing up in front of a class (which is weird bc i’m shy and hate public speaking) and goddddd the kids are so great. Like yeah you’ll have a few you can’t stand and there are days where they'll make you want to strangle them but the majority are so, so wonderful and they will make your day a thousand times over with everything they do and say. It’s so rewarding to see them succeed and get better, I can’t even tell you, and you really do form such a special connection with them, they feel like your kids haha

No matter what anyone tells you, teaching is not an easy job. It’s a performance. It’s standing up in front of a class of thirty when you might be feeling absolutely shit and still putting a smile on your face and helping them learn. But let me tell you, it is one of the most fulfilling jobs you’ll ever do :’)

good luck, my love! I hope you can figure it out!!!

#Anon #asks

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eventing-henry · 7 years

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Henry’s Training Blog 1

Idk whether I’m going to make this a regular thing or not, but thought I’d try it. It might be a good way to keep track of our progress, and maybe they’ll be of interest to some people. I’ll put my musings below a cut so as to not clog up everyone’s dash haha

So I’d not ridden H for 3 weeks before this weekend because I’ve been stuck 5 hours away at uni (boo!), he has been being ridden but only 3x a week and not by me. This is part of why his training is so slow, because I’m very limited with how often I can personally ride him, although hopefully his new sharer is starting next week and she can really invest in him.

Saturday just went in the school, just to see how he was getting on, get a feel for how he’s going at the moment. Halt seems to be getting there, he has been really annoying and fidgety recently, but we seem to be well on the way to resolving that, I think he was just pushing the boundaries a bit now he’s so much fitter and better in himself. He’s feeling pretty nice and supple at the moment, but still better on the left rein than the right. The right rein is always his weaker rein, and I think it’s just going to take a bit longer to catch up than the left. Not too bad on the right in walk/trot though. A bit spooky at one corner but nothing dramatic and mostly worked through it. Did a bit of lateral work to get him moving off the leg better, I think he needs some sharpening up off it again, hopefully will get to work on that tomorrow as am planning a flatwork sesh. Left canter felt amazing, for Henry anyway, I got a taste of the power and elevation we’re aiming towards. Right canter was ok, but not as rhythmical and elevated, but still passable. Need to work on bending and suppleness in canter still, but I think we first need to establish better balance and self carriage. This is something I plan to work on this week. Had a little pop over some fences as well, working across the short side of the school. Started with small cross poles, just working on keeping the rhythm and getting the right lead after the jump. Had a small problem maintaining the right canter on a circle at first, but I think I need to work on supporting him with my leg much more to hold it and remember to really send him forwards, as he’s got such a big stride it’s easy to feel like he’s going forwards when he’s really not. Put the fences up a little so we had a slightly bigger cross pole, about 60-70cm in the middle I reckon, and a 80-90cm upright. Had a few mess ups and had poles but I think it was mostly my fault, he felt good though. I want to work on some spreads with him later in the week but I need to focus on me first.

Things for me to work on as a rider from this session: LEGS, he needs so much more support from my legs than I’m used to, so I need to remember to keep them on but not nag and also to use them further back to keep control of his quarters. What I really need is to work him with no stirrups, but he’s got such a big and powerful trot that I really struggle to sit to it at the moment. I just feel I haven’t quite “got” how I need to ride to stay with him at the moment, I’m not used to this much elevation and power. Hands. I need to keep them stiller and focus more onto riding him into a consistent contact rather than being tempted to use my hands too much. But the main things I need to work on are when I’m jumping. He is so different to Rosie, and it’s not in a bad way but I’m so not used to it, I feel like I’m having to re-learn how to jump. I know when he has poles and messes up it’s usually my fault because when I get it right it feels so much better. He also isn’t balanced or experienced enough to sort the striding out without my help. I’m feeling very frustrated with myself about this. I really need to remember to sit and wait for the jumps to come to me and go for the quieter stride, I am the master of seeing a long stride and Henry just doesn’t have that reach or confidence to take it at the moment (and probably will never have the same reach as Rosie bc she was insane). When I push for a long one this usually ends up with him chipping in a half and taking out the poles, 100% my fault and also hits me right in my anxiety centre about him getting killed in a fall like Rosie. I think I need to ride him more forward to a fence, but it just makes me feel out of control and I panic and make it worse (it’s irrational but I’m still working on the issues the accident gave me) I can ride forwards to a small cross pole or small fence but as soon as they’re a “proper” fence I panic and ride like a total idiot and Henry can’t work out what I want him to do. He’s so freaking honest though, bless his heart, despite me making a total hash of a couple of approaches he never once stopped, even though I would have deserved it. So for me, the main aim is going to be to sit back and wait whilst still keeping my leg on and keeping him going forwards. He cannot do the flyers at the moment and it’s unfair for me to push him for them.

Today we just went for a chill hack, I had planned to try and do a bit of canter work in the big field on the route, but people are idiots. It is a bridleway, and clearly marked, but a dad and kid decided it would be a good time to fly their huge flappy stunt kite in the field, which is fine BUT when they saw me coming they didn’t take it down, like sensible people. They kept flying it, it was flapping in the wind, I didn’t have to get that close to them but they had the kite on such a long string it was very close to me. I did call out to them but they didn’t hear me or didn’t care, they definitely saw me though. So understandably, Henry was a bit freaked out by this big, flappy rainbow plastic thing flying above his head, so canter work wasn’t happening. I was actually super proud of how he handled it, he was really nervous and alternating between not wanting to go forward and trying to rush past (we had to walk the entire perimeter of the the field to get to the gate and the kite was smack in the middle, and the kid running around wasn’t helping either) BUT he stayed in walk and didn’t bolt, he kept going and he listened to me, even though he was very tense. Given that he’s only hacked by himself a handful of times (maybe 7 or 8?) and he’s naturally quite spooky I didn’t think that was bad. After that he did decide that we had to get home as fast as possible so tried to power walk and refused to stand still, but I know he reverts back to that when he gets anxious and worked up, we’re working on it, but again stayed in walk and was vaguely listening. Until the kite incident he was great though, he gets more relaxed every time I take him out, he was super with all the cars and bikes and walkers. So it wasn’t our best hack, but I’m still happy with how it went. I’ll keep taking him out as often as I can, desensitising, getting him to relax, everything like that. And just keep plugging away.

Cannot wait to get out competing again with him, I finish exams on 2nd June, so after that its fair game!

#henry's training blog #training blog #horses #horse riding #eventing #eventer #henry #bluewhite diamond

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blueberrypancakepotbellygirl · 5 years

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oOoOooOooOo she has so many thoughts !! time to spill !!

diagnosis and next steps

so, after the bad appointment last time, my mum and I have been planning to go back to the doctors and try to see a different practitioner and see if I can get referred this way. my mum talked to this psychiatrist lady she knows, and she asked me to send her an email with my symptoms and why i want a diagnosis. i told her the truth, including that i want a diagnosis for validation of my experience and the ability to access special circumstances at the university and through whatever employment I enter (so that, when school starts and when i get a proper job, i don’t have to wait 6 months for verification of my illness while i... idk break down or something. preventative mental health care just seems so logical idk why it isn’t encouraged more.)

the psychiatrist wrote a letter with her recommendations, something i could maybe give to whatever GP I see. Right now, though, i’m wondering if this is 1) worth it, 2) necessary, and 3) if i’m doing it for the right reasons.

I know that something is still wrong. I know if I was neurotypical i wouldn’t be self harming, i wouldn’t be having panic attacks, i wouldn’t be having these episodes of severe sadness and suicidal ideation. i wouldn’t still struggle with food. so, something is wrong. a diagnosis of SOME KIND is needed, because i haven’t been evaluated since before first year and these seem to have expiry dates. so i feel like, even if the first GP i saw didn’t think i had BPD, he should have still referred me because of the symptoms I have????? like fucking maybe ??

the thing is though, i know i’m not supposed to be in therapy right now. i know the relationships i have with my therapists can stunt my emotional growth (... just saying.... this is another symptom of BPD... just putting that out there). so i don’t want a diagnosis so that i can access TREATMENT. i’ve been getting treatment for over a decade ! i need to see how i do on my own ! so far that’s been.... real mixed !!!! as my life always is ! some days i feel like a fully normal person ! other days i feel like a fucking GOD. and other times i want to Fully Die and i feel the Worst I’ve Ever Felt and it feels like every cell in my body has relapsed. but i feel like if i say i’m not looking for therapy a doctor is going to (fairly, as well) be confused as to why i want an assessment.

the way i see it, a diagnosis allows me to access the SUPPORT i need to live my life without therapy. it allows me to have days off when i need them, it allows me extra time in exams, it is lenient with me in terms of how much is expected of me as a researcher or academic or employee. a diagnosis helps me navigate the world slightly easier. having a diagnosis of an eating disorder meant that i could be strict with employers about food breaks. having a diagnosis of depression meant i was given leniency when i came to missing classes and lectures. diagnoses are keys. if my life has these adjustments, therapy isn’t necessary. life gets its hardest when i can’t access these adjustments. but i don’t know if this is good enough for a GP to refer me. i know waiting lists are long (ahahaha i know this SO WELL) and doctors don’t want people on them who might have nothing wrong with them. i get that. but there is definitely something wrong with me, and i feel like this reason is a valid enough reason. maybe. i think i think i think.

okay but here’s where i stumble. because DESPITE IT BEING YET ANOTHER SYMPTOM THAT I DON’T HAVE A STABLE SENSE OF SELF AND I OFTEN CLING TO SPECIFIC THINGS TO MODEL MYSELF OFF OF BECAUSE I DON’T FEEL SUBSTANTIAL ON MY OWN i have always depended on my previous diagnoses as personality-makers. being ‘anorexic’ or ‘anxious’ became my entire personality. identifying with BPD has done the same. i honestly cannot remember a time where i didn’t have a diagnosis of some kind, just as i couldn’t remember a time until just recently when i hadn’t been in therapy. existing without a diagnosis is something i have never done, and the idea of it is SO FUCKING TERRIFYING. and, often, when i’m scared about something, it’s a sign i really, really, very much need to do that thing.

so now i’m stuck ! between the possibility that maybe i need to see how i am without a diagnosis and no help ! and trying to get help again and maybe being rejected again !!! but, i guess, if this was a physical illness ( and ik ik it’s stupid to compare them i know) then i wouldn’t be like ‘well, i’ve always had the diagnosis of diabetes, so maybe i should go a while without having it’. that’s just dumb.

look, i know my symptoms are mild. they are nowhere near as severe as many of those with BPD experience. my mania and depressive episodes happen a 3/4 times a week rather than three times a day. i don’t have debt. my relationships are significantly more stable (definitely not perfect by any means tho, still a long way to go, can’t get complacent). the eating disorder is so much better, the self harming is so much better. i am getting better. but when things are bad, they are SO BAD !!! and if i wait until things are SO BAD then it will be too late ! i am being a good patient by going in now smh.

i am going to go back to the doctors. i don’t know if i’m going to let my mum come into the actual appointment with me, because that’s a boundary i really want to reinforce. but i also don’t want to push her out of my personal struggles entirely either, so i feel like her coming down to support me through the appointment is a really good middle ground. we’ll see.

going home and family

i went home this weekend !!! i took alex and we got the train and my ENTIRE FAMILY CAME TO THE STATION and fucking Rory homophobe smith was there which was just... hilarious. so weird. why are my family so intense. but it went so well !! so so well ! i feel like dad likes alex way more than he ever liked mike (idk what he had against mike). i felt bad for not spending much time with my mum on our own, because that;s what i always do when i go home. but it was actually super nice to not do that, to not have super intensive emotional sessions with her. it was just... lovely to play chess and drink coffee and play with the dogs with alex and then leave the next day.

the night was hard. the night is always hard. triggers creep in like ghosts in the night, they seep through the wooden floors and sink into me. i went manic and was going through all the cupboards on the first and lower floor. idk what i was looking for. it was a pair of strawberry-patterned converse at first, and then i started feeling paranoid for no reason and searching for old diaries of mine that i thought my parents had hidden.

partners meeting family is always a big and important thing for me. gay partners meeting family is... a Whole New Thing. it forced me to confront those lingering feelings of guilt and shame that i feel about my sexuality and the Big Feelings of guilt i feel for upsetting my mother by being queer (aha. lol. that was. the worst. feeling. ever. it broke my heart. i am absolutely still not over that heartbreak it turns out. i’m getting there though.) but we did it and it went well and i am so grateful to have such a supportive partner and i am very in love and i like them very much and it feels like we are in a good and stable place and that is the best feeling ever.

how summer is going

summer is going. it’s super good and super bad. i need to get more interviews. i need to keep trying to keep a routine and keep my room clean and get fresh air even if that means i buy coffee from some dumb coffee shop every day. work is hit or miss. anxiety comes in waves, as does dissociation. depression hits like a brick and then leaves like a moving van. i need to sleep more, need to shower every day. water the sun flower. i have my paints now ! and my brushes !!! so i can paint things for all my friends and that makes me happy. immy and chema and dara and ale and alex can all get little summer paintings to commemorate the end of summer.

what’s next

dissertation. i’m putting out a new round of posts tomorrow. meeting ihsaan to catch up because i have been a terrible, super negligent friend to him recently. buy groceries because i need to eat more vegetables and protein. maybe buy a baking tin and make banana bread this week. i get paid on wednesday: no. 1 priority? immy’s birthday present. i have MANY IDEAS. gotta pick one now.

#p.

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canaryatlaw · 6 years

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alright. well today was fine. I slept until my 1:15 pm alarm went off, probably because it was like 2:55 by the time I actually got to bed last night, but oh well. I had my PT appointment for 2, so I got ready and was going to catch the bus set for 1:46, but then I had to cross the intersection at an inopportune time to make sure I got two pieces of mail in the mailbox, and ended up missing the bus by about 30 seconds, but it was fine because I had enough time to just walk anyway. I should probably give up on the bus method altogether when it really isn’t very far anyway, probably just like 8 blocks or so. So I got there on time, it was fine, I feel like I’m going to end up disappointing my new PT guy because he seemed super optimistic about making progress at first and like, I was not as optimistic lol and nothing’s really changed yet, so idk what he’s thinking. but it was good, I should still probably say something about the exercises, especially given how weak I’ve been proving myself to be lately when it comes to carrying things, so the exercises I’m doing should really be challenging ones. And I should do better about doing home exercises, because I really suck at those at the moment. So that was fine. Walked back afterwards and spent a while building a grocery list based off what was in the fridge and the pantry, and also on some recipes I’d like to make over the next couple of days since I’ll have free time, just stocking up on good ingredients to have on hand for baking and such. I think I’m gonna make caramels at some point soon, it’s been like, a year since I’ve made them lol and they were getting really good. this probably took about an hour, after which I grabbed my cart and walked down to the store. Shopping was fine, I had been really wanting to make a strawberry milkshake lately but was worried it’d be really unhealthy (being that milkshakes are generally like 700 calories) so I was like oh well what if I get some protein powder and if I mix it with like strawberries and ice cream and milk maybe it won’t suck??? so I got some that looked like it might be bearable. I grabbed a piece of flank steak because I wanted to make a beef and broccoli meal at some point, and the piece I got looked fine but the one next to it was starting to turn bad it was really nasty looking.....so I’m definitely going to use mine soon, probably tomorrow lol. I also wanted to get an extract of some sort to use for meringues, because the recipe I used last time came out really well in terms of crunchy and chewy ness, but pretty much just taste like powdered sugar, and the recipe said you can sub in another extract for the vanilla, so I thought I’d look at some alternatives. lots of interesting flavors of extract and such they sell (they legit had a pumpkin spice flavor, lol) but I ended up going with raspberry because I thought that sounded like a good choice. So I got everything and went to check out. There were two people ahead of me on line, an older lady right in front of me and a middle aged lady in front of her. the one at the front had quite the grocery load, and the older lady was like “you buying for a crowd?” and she was like “yes, I have three boys” and then the older lady started talking about her daughter and they talked about their kids and the older lady was saying she was thinking about moving closer to where her daughter was because she missed her and the front lady was like “you should do it, go be by the people who matter to you, that’s what’s most important” and I was really just watching this unfold while thinking about my family who left yesterday and what I’m thinking or hoping or planning for the future. My parents miss me a lot, that much is very clear, and I can’t really blame them, 3 out of 4 kids have never left the house, then there’s me who moved halfway across the country. And I love my family, of course, but I know living with them (mostly living with my brothers) can be bad for my mental health, and I’m in a fairly good state at this point and would not want to mess that up. And I mean, straight up moving back in with them is not really on the table at this point, if I go for the NY job I’d probably be there for the month of July while I do bar prep, but then after the bar I’d assumedly be moving to NYC because there’s no way I’m commuting every single day, and that much I’ve been very explicit about. But I keep coming back to thinking is that really what I want to do? I thought it was, but I’m not sure anymore.....but I’m also not sure if I want to stay here anymore. My emotions have kind of been in upheaval for the past month or so and it’s left me at a point where if I stay here I can’t really predict what my life would be like, and that worries me. sigh, I feel like I come on here and have the same conversation about all of this every night. still nothing on the email front, of course, as I continue to check each day. Sigh. Anyway. I checked out and managed to fit everything inside my cart (when I’m going shopping I’m always concerned I’m going to not be able to fit it all) besides my eggs, which I just carried which was fine. Got home, put the stuff away, and sat at the computer for a bit, and I think it was at this point where I checked to see if grades were posted, and I had a bit of a feeling it was going to be something this time, and I was right- as expected, my legal drafting grade was posted first since the assignments have all already been graded and there was no exam (and it really should’ve been posted sooner than this, but whatever), so there it was, a beautiful B+ in this class that has caused my so much anxiety and fear that I was going to flunk fucking child advocacy legal drafting, the class I should’ve fucking CALI’ed, but was instead thrown into turmoil because the prof hated my writing. I knew I was able to pull it out in the end, but the final is only half our grade, and since I had been getting like, 50% on the other assignments, I was concerned my grade was going to come out to like 75% (47 out of 50 points from the final, then about half of the remaining 50 points, coming out to like 75) which is still like, a C, and I’d very much like to not have any C’s on my transcript, and I didn’t know how this was going to turn out, so it ending in a B+ made me quite happy. I’ve been trying not to add any more B’s to my transcript because I don’t like them (I have two currently), and then 3 B+’s, and the rest are A’s and A-’s, which of course I’m fine with. So I was pleased with this. I have anxious thoughts in my head about yeah but what if you fucked up your civil rights final because you didn’t have the cases printed, but I know that’s bullshit because I can tell when I’m killing it on a test, and I very much felt that I was killing it, even if I didn’t have all the information I should’ve. I feel like I’m gonna end up with an A-, which I would have wanted to be an A, but I can obviously live with it. Remedies I’m not at all concerned with, the entire grade is based on the final and I know I killed it, it’s just going to be a matter of where everyone else falls on the curve, and that can be hard to predict when your grade isn’t actually based on the objective number of questions you got right but on how many everyone else got right, but I’m fairly confident I’ll end up with a good grade. That just leaves Secured Transactions of course, which may have been eclipsed by Legal Drafting at some point as my most worried about class, but it’s still been one I’ve been anxious about. I felt like I had a fairly good handle on the final, as least for not knowing any of the material a week before and shoving it all in my mind that week, but of course that’s also hard to judge because curve and such. If I can pull at least a B+ out of the class I’ll be satisfied. If I end up with a B I’ll be disappointed, but not really that upset about it. If I get lower than that I will be straight up pissed, but hopefully that will not happen lol. Anyway. I spent a little while longer on the computer before deciding to make a blueberry dutch baby for dinner again because I’m low key obsessed with them, so I did that and then got ready to watch The Flash. Not terribly impressed with this week’s episode, it very much felt like a filler episode that didn’t do much to advance the plot other than occupy time before the main climax comes in the finale next week. All the flash time stuff I really didn’t find very interesting, and idk what they’re trying to do with Caitlin and her apparently having meta abilities before the particle accelerator?? like that more or less just sounds like psychosis, and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for. So I guess we’ll see what they do next week, hopefully they’ll at least pull out a decent finale. Overall though I was pretty disappointed by this season, I don’t know what happened but they just really missed the mark. After the episode I forgot for about 2 minutes that Rise was on right afterwards, then switched over to them for their season/series finale. It really sucks that they didn’t get picked up for a second season because I think it had a lot of potential and some very strong storylines I would’ve liked to have seen carried into the next season. I very much dislike that it was now left with “we’re shutting down the drama department” and like, that’s just it, there’s no fixing it, the end of the show is them shutting it down, and like.....that is not a happy ending lol, I’m not sure how they felt about whether they’d get renewed or not but it was a peculiar note to end on. Not gonna lie, I loved teacher dude (whatever his M last name is) basically being like fuck it, let’s put on this whole damn production as explicit as it is because art is art and it deserves to be heard, even when it’s offensive (and as someone who’s seen this particular show on broadway, it’s explicitness is incredibly crucial to the powerful message it conveys). I understand of course why they still decided to do “totally eff’d” and just end it with “totally fucked” because there’s only so far you can toe the line lol. I probably have overly strong feelings on this particular subject, but Lilette’s mom is irresponsible and neglectful and you could make the argument she is even being abusive by forcing Lilette into the role of being responsible for parenting her, which is a recognized phenomena among child welfare behaviors. So obviously I was not terribly keen on that. And Maashous (definitely just checked imdb to make sure I spelled it correctly, and I did), which I’m so sad we don’t get to see more of his story, because there was so much there to explore. but with teacher guy’s daughter obviously being so emotionally compromised over this and just seeing him with the family, man, that’s hard hitting stuff. The show did a lot things right that Glee got wrong, but I guess in the end it just didn’t have the wider appeal Glee did. I’m sad for Auli’i (just checked again on the spelling and I did get it right) because she’s obviously so ridiculously talented and it sucks for a project she’s attached to to get chopped, but I’m sure she has many opportunities in her future. So yeah, lots of different feels there. During one of the commercial breaks the upcoming news advertising said something about a story on at 10 regarding Justin Hartley and a bad fan encounter in Chicago, so I wanted to watch that, but had an hour to kill, so I watched some of The Good Place, and decided it was a good time to try out my strawberry milkshake idea, so I got the strawberries, vanilla ice cream and milk in the blender, and added two scoops of protein powder, which was the recommended dosage. Set it to go and tasted it and it was a big NOPE you can totally taste literally all of it, so I added more strawberries and ice cream to try and help but it didn't work so I ended up having to toss the whole thing which was disappointing, and now I wanted a strawberry milkshake, so I just ended up making a normal one. At ten I tuned back to the news. the preview was basically like “he had a bad encounter at a Chicago restaurant” and then when they did the actual “story” it was like 30 seconds, basically just saying he was “in town for a convention” (so C2E2 obviously) and was at a restaurant when a fan just like, came up to him and started kissing him????? lol, um, that’s cringey, but they didn’t give any other details or like even name the restaurant so that was kind of lame, but whatever. I watched Jimmy Kimmel, then Seth Meyers while I was waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower. Once she did I started getting ready for bed and now I’m here. Trying to think if there was anything else I wanted to say....nothing formal to do tomorrow other than watch the Riverdale season finale I guess (not like I’m terribly interested in that) so I’ll hopefully finish up cleaning my room and maybe sort through my entire wardrobe and divide it into the categories of currently in my dresser, in storage, and for donation, because I have way too much clothing that doesn’t fit me or I don’t like anymore that I could definitely get rid of. So we’ll see how that goes, hopefully it’ll be productive but I’m also able to get some relaxation in, since this is my one week to relax before bar prep starts, and I have to start at the DV clinic on Friday anyway. But yeah, I think that’s for now. Goodnight babes. Sleep peacefully.

#daily journal #May 2018 #Rachel watches The Flash

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super-rainbows · 7 years

Text

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Rainbow: it’s okay. try and calm down.

Ethan: I guess. I know I was saying this yesterday (but the whole reason I’m making this post is to say it, anyway), but 1. what is the point of coming off codeine if they won’t let me do DBT? Also, they need to stop telling me that I’m making my own decisions as if saying that will somehow make it true. If I could never have control over anything before, it’s hypocritical to pretend I do now. Especially when they’re the ones who decide whether I can do DBT or not, regardless of what I say or do. At any second they can just be like “no, never mind”. Technically I can do that too, but that doesn’t disadvantage them; the only possibilities are them disadvantaging me, or me disadvantaging myself. That isn’t equal. And if I did decide to disadvantage myself for some reason, they could just refuse to help me at all in response. As in, they could just be like “oh, you don’t want to [whatever]? well then you can’t ever come here again, bye”. It’s stupid and unfair to pretend they aren’t the ones with power over me when they are.

Rainbow: yeah, I see what you mean. sorry if I/we play into that by always saying you can make your own decisions.

Ethan: It’s different when you say it, because you aren’t secretly saying “you can “make a decision” but I’ll ruin your life/refuse to help you/whatever if you don’t pick the decision I want you to”. All you can do is disapprove. You don’t have the power to take me off the medication I’m on, prevent me from ever accessing any mental health service again, etc. (In theory I guess you could sort of try to do those things, but for one thing you wouldn’t, and for another thing the power you have is less permanent etc) But really, why would they be like “you can make your own decision but it has to be the one we want or else” and/or “no matter what “decision” you make we’re going to prevent you from accessing some kind of therapy, but you’re the one “making the decision” so it’s your fault”?

Rainbow: *hugs* are you gonna keep coming off codeine, though?

Ethan: Like I (sort of) said, I don’t have any fucking choice. Every single person I know is still going to pressure me to come off it no matter what.

Rainbow: well, we’ll support you if you want, just so someone won’t be pressuring you as much. in our case it really is just because we love you.

Ethan: That’s fine. You both get a pass to harass/pressure/criticise me, because at least for you I know it’s at least partially because you genuinely care about me or whatever, as opposed to that you just don’t like me doing anything you personally disapprove of.

Rainbow: lol. I’d correct you, but you seem pretty pissed off, lol. xD I’m sure under different circumstances you’d know that a similar thing applies to other people. your mom can get fucked, her opinion doesn’t matter, don’t bother trying to consider her. more like ______, _________, ___, ___, etc. they care about you. maybe they potentially also have some personal bias against drug addicts and are like “ew you get high to cope?” but I’m reasonably sure that most if not all of the reason they want you off codeine is because they love you and care about you.

Ethan: You’re right, but I don’t feel like properly acknowledging it right now.

Rainbow: lol yeah fair enough.

Ethan: Anyway, the point is, the cluain mhuire people were basically like “if you come off codeine you can do dbt”, but then, now that I’m nearly off it, suddenly decided to change and be like “actually never mind, you don’t get to do dbt. but keep coming off codeine anyway even though you now have no reason to and nothing to even try to replace it with”. Like, was this their plan all along? To lie to me and trick me into coming off codeine by making a fake promise to actually try to help me? Or is it some kind of test to see if I’m “””committed””” enough to continue doing a benefitless thing I don’t even want to do, for no reason at all? I am gonna continue just so that I can see what it’s like without it (and also since if I do go to America, it’d be better to be off it than either trying to bring some with me and/or going through withdrawals while I’m there), but I’ll probably just take either it or something else up again in September/October because I’ll need some kind of coping strategy. Like seriously, it was unfair enough that they were like “you can’t be given any new coping skills until after you completely drop your current effective one”, though at least that had some kind of justification, but now they’re just like, “you must completely drop your only effective coping skill, and you don’t get anything to replace it with”. What do they expect me to do? I’m sure they also want me to function and pretend to be a regular human being, and not to self harm or get high on anything else, so ??? It’s basically just like saying “just stop being mentally ill. bye”. ?????

Rainbow: sorry if this is like... bad or whatever, but either way, congratulations on getting down to 3 a day.

Ethan: It’s literally just because 1. I don’t really have to do anything, and 2. I’m supplementing it with caffeine and pseudoephedrine, and/or whatever else is convenient.

Rainbow: I know, but still. 10/10 you. or, I guess, 8/10? to account for the supplementing? lol

Ethan: Also, what problem do I even have?

Rainbow: autism, bpd, and trauma, and they’re inter-related.

Ethan: ?

Rainbow: the autism is permanent obviously, and affects the other two. I’ll split the trauma into sexual and emotional. the emotional one clearly affects you all the time; the effects of the sexual ones fluctuate but at least some are also always observable. in both cases you (and we) have kinda adjusted to a lot of the effects/symptoms/whatever and consider them “normal”. you generally have at least some bpd traits affecting you at all times, especially if you consider kinda minor/subtle ones. rn the most obvious bpd things affecting you are the emptiness thing and the lack of emotional permanence (which is why you’re being like “why don’t I feel anything?? I have never felt anything in my life!!! what am I???” etc and thinking that because you haven’t been having major/noticeable symptoms in the past like 2 weeks, that you suddenly don’t have bpd or trauma anymore)

Ethan: Well, either way it’s inconvenient that whatever problems I may or may not have won’t just stay still and stay the same so that I can know what they are and “deal with them” or make them go away. and it doesn’t count if they go away without me making them go away, because if they disappear suddenly for no reason then that’s the same as them never having existed or been real in the first place.

Rainbow: that’s the lack of emotional permanence thing, see? lol. you still have bpd, don’t worry. :P anyway, as a convenient example: if the ps4 decided to work properly the next time you tried it, it would still very much be the case that it’s refused to work for the past month or whatever.

Ethan: That’s like saying, “if all the problems disappear then you’ll still have attempted suicide 6 times”. That is, that’s not the point, and is irrelevant to what I’m saying. If the ps4 started working again, that would mean that it doesn’t have anything wrong with it, and the power supply doesn’t need to be replaced, and there is no problem. And if there isn’t any inherent problem, then clearly there never was, and it not working was just some coincidence.

Rainbow: I see what you mean. I’m sorry (sympathy) that your mom ruined all the good words/phrases, lol. I’m trying to think of some combination that’ll convey the same thing as what I want to say but hasn’t been ruined by her saying it passive-aggressively or with a secret other meaning, but yeah, idk. should we come up with a symbol or phrase that means something like “I’m not secretly mad at you/I’m saying this genuinely/I’m not being passive-aggressive”? then I can tack it onto what I want to say and it won’t be bad/upsetting anymore?

Ethan: *shrugs* * might work for that, since we already use it to disambiguate. Or possibly ~ since we sort of used that to mean “I love you” etc? And it means “approximately” so that works too.

Rainbow: hmm. idk.

Jamie: ~ is a bigger and more noticeable symbol? And also people already use ~ as punctuation to indicate they’re saying things in a kinda gentle, floaty way? So I think ~ is good unless you wanna use * either. Or we could use both, lol. :P

Ethan: ~ is good.

Rainbow: yeah, same. 10/10

Jamie: Thank you. :P

Rainbow: so yeah ~there doesn’t seem to be much point trying to argue with you rn~

Ethan: *shrugs* Oh, also, we could use * for “interpret rationally” and ~ for “interpret lovingly”.

Rainbow: lol. I don’t think there’s much point distinguishing because for what I said, there isn’t a huge difference between either interpretation. idk about other statements, but yeah. anyway yeah ~I’m sorry if I upset you or anything

Jamie: Do we always have to disambiguate when something isn’t intended passive-aggressively?

Rainbow: nah, I’d say only if Ethan (or one of us) would interpret it that way otherwise.

Jamie: ^

Rainbow: lol

Jamie: Even though thumbs-up symbols are okay now, you kinda can’t do emojis on a computer keyboard. Well, I guess if I was willing to just manually copy-paste them or something.

Ethan: The computer doesn’t really display emojis, so there’d be kinda no point, especially if you tried to copy-paste the right one from a list.

Jamie: lol

Ethan: You could just type a kanji or something for the same effect, except I think those do usually display. :P When should I go to bed/sleep?

Rainbow: ideally soon, but I mean you took caffeine and sudo like 4 hours ago? possibly less? I don’t really see you falling asleep anytime soon, lol. you need to be up at like 9:30, right?

Ethan: Yeah.

Rainbow: lol, good luck. also, it’s okay (about exams). you’re gonna be fine. <3

Ethan: Thank you. :P

Rainbow: it’s worth a shot trying to call the hse place tomorrow, and if that doesn’t work then you can try at 8 (or whenever) on Tuesday and then if that doesn’t work then you can try at 9ish on Tuesday.

Ethan: I definitely wanted to say something else, but I can’t remember what. Oh, this isn’t relevant at all, but I’m kinda surprised that even though I’ve lowered the codeine dose so drastically, food anxiety still hasn’t come back.

Rainbow: I can see why that makes you feel “fake” or whatever, but I mean since it usually does tend to come back eventually, I would say just enjoy your ability to eat without having panic attacks for now, lol. and you can always have some of my anxiety, lol. oh also, regardless of anxiety or lack of, you still don’t have the healthiest behaviours, mindset etc.

Ethan: But why would anyone care about that?

Rainbow: *shrugs* I wanna say that normal people don’t/wouldn’t do things like take fiber pills instead of eating, take stimulants just for the laxative and/or metabolism-raising effects, drink straight vinegar because it supposedly helps weight loss, etc, but tbh I have no idea. maybe they do? I know that doesn’t help at all, lol, sorry. I mean those don’t seem like “healthy” behaviours, but “normal” people do do a lot of weird shit, so idk.

Rainbow: are you okay? lol, at least you’re distressed now, so you’re aware that you do in fact experience distress. xD

Ethan: I think it’s more like resentment than distress.

Rainbow: yeah. I meant negative emotions in general, I guess.

Ethan: I wish whatever problem I supposedly have would just stay still and consistent so I could know what I was and whether it was improving or not. Instead of just randomly changing and fluctuating all the time. Like how am I meant to solve whatever “problem” I have if one week it’s anxiety and another week it’s dpdr and another week it’s anger? I’m sure it all falls under “trauma and/or bpd” but that isn’t helpful since both of those things are basically like saying “every possible symptom”. Like, yes, it is “a symptom”, but that doesn’t convey any information whatsoever, and is completely useless when it’s a different symptom every week to month anyway.

Rainbow: yeah, that makes sense.

Ethan: Do you think bpd was a misdiagnosis?

Rainbow: no, I don’t think so. that’s the short/immediate answer, anyway. you always tend to assume that not experiencing a given thing right now is the same as not having experienced it ever and not tending to in general, so you’re basically being like “I’m not having any major problems at this exact second, therefore I don’t have any mental illnesses and never did” which isn’t how it works.

Ethan: *shrugs*

Rainbow: if you want one thing to focus on that’s constant, your fucked up thought patterns are seemingly always there. I know they fluctuate too, but you always (on whatever level) believe things like “being mad at someone = hating them and wishing death on them”, “not experiencing something right now = it never having existed in the first place”, etc.

Ethan: If that somehow went away then nothing would be constant.

Rainbow: lol. ideally I think maybe if the things like that went away then some other problems would too? but yeah, things like dissociation probably wouldn’t be directly affected by thought processes. do you wanna go to bed?

Ethan: I guess.

Rainbow: you can just try/pretend to sleep a bit at some point, lol.

Ethan: How is anyone ever helped by talk therapy?

Rainbow: idk

Ethan: Like, it doesn’t do anything? You just talk and then that’s it. How is that supposed to affect anything? If it was in addition to some actual/practical thing, maybe, but otherwise I don’t see how it would do anything unless it was like “now that I’ve acknowledged the problem, it’s gone”, which is what I was always like with crushes when I was younger (that is, as soon as I said it to anyone it would disappear for some reason).

Rainbow: lol

Ethan: Although even with the “say the problem and then it’ll disappear” thing, that would rely on someone actually believing you, and nobody believes anything I say. Like the therapist last week apparently believed me by accident but then remembered he wasn’t supposed to.

Rainbow: ~lol ~(at how you’re interpreting that)

Ethan: I would ask how you would interpret it, but all you’d do is say I’m wrong.

Rainbow: that’s not what I’d be trying to say. well, okay, I guess it is, but not like that. I’m not really sure what he was going for either, tbh. like, either it is abusive (which, imo, it is), or it’s not, not “it is abusive but pretend it isn’t” or whatever.

Ethan: He said it was but then took that back, implying that it isn’t, then basically said that it isn’t but he’s willing to pretend it is. And I guess it’s good that he’s willing to pretend that I have any right to be affected by things, but it isn’t very good pretending if he also tells me outright that he doesn’t believe that at all.

Jamie: @.Rainbow: @.what you just thought: Seriously, fuck off with that. Anyway, I’m not super sure what he was going for either, but I sort of get the impression that 1. he said “that sounds abusive” without thinking (okay, we all knew that already), and 2. for some reason he thinks that if he explicitly categorises your mum’s actions as abusive, then you’ll be inclined to act on that in some way? That’s the impression I get, I guess.

Ethan: I guess he doesn’t necessarily not think that, but that’s a completely ridiculous thing to think since I’ve made it obvious that I avoid conflict at all costs. And that doesn’t prevent it from also being the case that he said it by accident or like as an exaggeration or something, while actually believing the opposite.

Rainbow: why say “that sounds abusive” if what you’re thinking is “that sounds like a completely reasonable way to treat a young child”? point I’m making is that I don’t think that is what he was thinking.

Ethan: It might’ve been more like “that isn’t ideal but not actually bad”, as in, pretty much the same as what I assume already.

Rainbow: *sighs dramatically* you literally told him that it would help if he was validating instead of saying/implying that you have no right to feel whatever way you do, so w h y the fuck did he decide to say that?

Ethan: Well, just ‘cause I said that would help doesn’t mean he’s actually inclined to do it.

Rainbow: I wish I could just talk directly to him or something, idk.

Ethan: It’s probably unreasonable for me to just want to be validated and told that it makes sense to feel whatever way I do. That is, I don’t just want to demand something ridiculous like that.

Rainbow: ...

Ethan: You’re acting like it’s reasonable, but I really don’t think it is. It’s not like you’ve never thought/felt/believed any unreasonable thing. :P

Rainbow: true but I’m usually right in relation to you and it’s usually obvious (even to me) when I’m not. also go to bed soon.

Ethan: Okay.

#imaginary friends

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