#but hopefully this means the truth will come out later in an even more emotional scene

[sailortongue]

Wingteam

pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

wc: ~1.5k

summary: the team decides that Spencer is in need of a date and they're going to be the ones to help him. But there's just one problem that the team doesn't know about: Spencer already has a girlfriend

a/n: this is my first time writing for criminal minds so they're probably all out of character but pls bear with me. binged the first four seasons in a month and i'm completely hooked on the show and spencer so hopefully i'll write more and improve characterization. any feedback would be super appreciated!

------

Spencer Reid was a rather private person, preferring to keep his private life just that: private. But it was getting progressively harder to explain why he didn't want to participate in group outings to the local bars. Truth be told, all he wanted was to get home to you and cuddle on the couch. Not that his teammates knew you even existed. It wasn't that he was ashamed of you! No, never. How could he ever be ashamed of the most wonderful thing in his life? No, it was because he knew he'd never hear the end of the teasing, especially from Morgan. And so he had decided that he would keep you all to himself, after discussing with you, of course. You had no issue with him not disclosing your relationship with his coworkers. However, it was this secrecy that led him to this horribly uncomfortable moment.

“You don't get to weasel out this time, pretty boy. You're coming with us even if I have to manhandle you there,” said Morgan. “And you're not leaving that bar without a girl on your arm,” he added, finger pointed at Reid in an accusatory manner.

It took all of Spencer’s willpower to not outwardly grimace. Like hell he was going to leave with any girl that wasn't you. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now,” he declined. It wasn't exactly a lie; he was already in a relationship, afterall.

“Oh, c’mon, Spence, don't you want to settle down one day?” chimed in Emily. “I bet you'd be an amazing husband.” She redirected her attention, “We just have to find the future Mrs. Reid, right Morgan?”

Morgan smirked, “Sounds like a plan.”

“No. There is no plan. Stop scheming. I told you, I’m not looking for a relationship. And even if I was, I don't think I’d need a team of FBI agents to help me get a date,” Spencer tried to discourage his friends, but to no avail. In fact, it just seemed to egg them on.

“Reid, I’ve never seen you go out with anyone. We’re getting you laid tonight and there's nothing you can do about it.”

“Never seen me go out with anyone? Should I be inviting you along to my dates?”

The sarcasm wasn't lost on Morgan, who rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.” He turned to look at Garcia, “Hey, babygirl, you wanna help us land Reid a date?” The grin that Morgan had whilst asking was soon mirrored by the technical analyst in question.

“Do you even have to ask, sugar?”

A quick glance around the bullpen at his gathered teammates told him that no one was going to help him get out of this. Spencer’s expression changed to one of panic, but not for the reason that his friends assumed, i.e. that he had no experience with girls and was just nervous. Much to his chagrin, Hotch made a different deduction, and whilst everyone else was discussing their plan for later that night, he leaned down to Reid, “Why don't you just tell them you have a girlfriend already?”

Spencer, who was nowhere near as skilled as Hotch at hiding his emotions, had shock written all over his face. He opened his mouth to question how Hotch knew that, not even bothering to deny it. But Hotch answered before Spencer could even ask the question. “I’m a profiler. To be honest, I'm surprised the rest of the team hasn’t figured it out. Rossi has a suspicion, though.” And with that, Hotch stood back up to his full height and resumed conversation with the team, asking what time they had decided to meet.

I’m so screwed thought Spencer.

--------

“I’m so screwed,” Spencer announced to you as soon as he walked into your shared apartment, dropping his satchel in the entryway. You looked up from the book you were currently reading, “What happened? Are you okay?” You closed your book and set it on the coffee table, giving your perfect boyfriend your full attention. He sighed and joined you where you were reclined on the couch, lying down and placing his head on your tummy, wrapping his arms around you in the process. You smiled down at him gently and brought your hand up to play with his curls, eliciting a satisfied groan from him. “What's eating you, Spence?”

He tilted his head up before answering, “I have to meet the team at a bar later tonight.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion, not seeing what the issue could possibly be. “Ok? Why is that a problem?”

He adjusted himself to be propped up on his elbows on either side of you. “It’s a problem because they've all decided that I'm in need of a girlfriend,” he huffed. Despite your best efforts, you couldn't contain your laughter at Spencer’s obvious distress over the situation. You truly meant no offense, but he was just so gosh darn cute.

“Spencer, sweetheart, why don't you just tell them?”

“Honestly, at this point I just want to see how long it takes them to figure it out without me outright telling them. We're not supposed to profile each other, but it becomes second nature due to the job, so they're bound to pick up on it eventually. Hotch already knows, and he said that Rossi is suspicious. The others haven't caught on yet, but now Morgan wants to be my wingman for the night. How am I supposed to play this off?”

You thought about it for a second before an idea came to mind, a sly grin sliding across the features Spencer loved oh so much. “You're going to do exactly what Morgan wants.”

Spencer blanched, immediately objecting to your words. How could you even suggest that?

“Hold on, I’m not done. I’m not sending the love of my life out to flirt with anyone that isn't me. So what we’re gonna do is….

--------

“Oh, what's this? Did pretty boy find a pretty girl?” teased Derek. His friend practically looked like those wolves from vintage cartoons with hearts for eyes and tongue rolling out of their mouths. His question caught the attention of the rest of the table, all of whom saw Spencer with his eyes trained on a lovely young woman sitting at the bar.

“You should go talk to her!” encouraged Penelope.

“Oh, she's so pretty!” exclaimed JJ. “I agree with Pen, you should definitely go talk to her!”

Hotch watched as the rest of the team, all at least a few drinks in, hyped Spencer up with intoxicated enthusiasm. He had a barely-there smile on his face, watching the events unfold. He watched as Spencer’s face got redder and redder with the attention. As entertaining as this was for the others, it was infinitely more entertaining for Hotch, since he was certain that the woman at the bar was Spencer’s secret girlfriend.

Finally, Spencer gave in to his friends’ demands and approached the bar, seating himself beside the woman. Beside you. Knowing his friends were watching, he had to pretend as if he was meeting you for the first time.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he offered.

You glanced at him coyly before accepting his offer. At some point, the two of you fell into the usual rhythm of conversation you always had, speaking to each other in a way that betrayed how close you really were.

Back at the table, Rossi leaned over to Hotch and gestured for Hotch to lean in as well. “That's the kid’s girlfriend, isn't it?” he whispered. Hotch pulled back with an amused expression and gave the slightest nod, confirming Rossi’s question. Meanwhile, Morgan was placing a bet with Garcia about how long it would take for Reid to leave with you. Morgan was confident that it would be within the next thirty minutes, stating that Reid, who wasn't the most socially adept but was having such a lively conversation, must have really hit it off with you. They watched as Reid spoke to you, all smiles and wild hand gesticulations. And then there was you, the pretty woman who, unbeknownst to the team (minus Hotch and Rossi), was already irrevocably in love with their resident genius long before they took it upon themselves to be a whole wingteam. The radiant smile you wore matched the one Spencer had as you responded to him just as enthusiastically as he had been speaking.

Unfortunately for Garcia, Morgan won their bet. The two of them watched as Reid leaned in to whisper something in your ear. When he pulled away, there was a prominent blush on your face that the minimal amount of alcohol you had couldn't possibly be responsible for. You nodded at him, and he stood from his stool, offering his hand for you to take, which you did as you followed him to the exit.

“My man!” called Morgan from across the bar, raising his beer in Spencer’s direction. Hotch and Rossi chuckled, exchanging glances and shaking their heads. The rest would figure it out eventually. It might be when they receive a wedding invitation, but eventually nonetheless. 

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid

[yagamisdiary]

Hey girlie!!! Happy new years!! Do you have any advice on relationships and communication???

happy new years!

so this is something i definitely struggled with for a LONGGGG time i was the “im upset but im not gonna tell u why” person for yearsssssss (ew btw that shit is NOT cute)

it’s definitely a challenge communicating especially if u feel like ur partner isn’t going to hear u out or take u serious bc it makes u want to open up even less

so with that being said, i definitely think it’s important to find someone who is also going to communicate with u because there’s truly no point in saying how u feel to someone who dgaf

next, put ur pride aside !!!!!!!! this was a big problem for me because i tend to be very prideful at times. i have a lot of feelings and emotions but it takes forever for me to admit someone hurt them even though i make it extremely obvious

ever since i started communicating efficiently in my relationship, things have gotten so much healthier and smoother! once u get over the whole pride thing, it’s so easy

normally what i do is i allow myself some time to be dramatic aka go somewhere private and cry or rant etc ( DO NOT RANT TO FAMILY OR FRIENDS TRUST ME YOU WILL REGRET IT)

once u get all the gooey emotions out, that’s when u communicate with ur partner. i say this because if ur like me, you’re going to say things u don’t mean out of anger and because ur emotions are heightened, it’s better to speak when ur levelheaded

i usually start by just pulling them aside or shooting them a text and saying “hey something happened that bothered me and to avoid being passive aggressive and weird, i wanna talk about it”

HOPEFULLY* ur partner is ready to sit and listen to what happened and it’s important u try to say it all as clearly as possible! don’t try to speak rudely (it’s hard i know) because if u upset the person, they’re more likely to walk away from the conversation and it was pretty much useless

u can say things like “i know u probably didn’t mean it that way but when u said/did this, it made me feel this way.”

if the person immediately gets defensive or angry, you should take that as red flag because they’re probably guilty of whatever it is u caught them doing

an unguilty person will tell u the truth and say “i’m sorry you feel that way but that’s not how it happened” and then they’ll go on to their side of the story

sometimes… their side of the story WILL PISS U OFF especially if it’s contradicting your story but again u just respond calmly and say “i get that but im just telling u how it made ME feel”

if they keep giving u push back, just end the conversation and say let’s just talk later

normally, when the person has some time to think and put themselves in your shoes, they’ll come back later and say “ok i get where you’re coming from now and i would feel the same way; i’m sorry for making u feel that way”

it seems hard to believe because ppl aren’t necessarily built for communicating that easily… SPOILER ALERT!!!! it’s not supposed to be easy! it’s supposed to be hard that’s the whole point!

no one likes to admit they’re wrong, no one likes to admit they got their feelings hurt but in order to grow and get past it, u gotta just rip the bandaid and get it over with

and TRUSTTTTT ME it feels so fucking good afterwards and the two of u will gain so much respect and admiration for eachother and ur relationship will get so much stronger everytime because each time u two get upset, you’ll be able to communicate it much easier since u got it over with

#amara’s advice #DONT FEEL BAD IF U CANT DO IT RIGHT AWAY IT TOOK ME FOREVER

[archivalofsins]

I slept and eaten something. I've also digested all my feelings on Cat after some talks with people. I think until people swallow some hard truths about being a man, the discussions around Kazui will always feel stilted to me. This includes me-

Admittedly due to my upbringing leaning more towards traditionally masculine I can't really relate to Mahiru's situation like that.

My upbringing wasn't really focused on honestly displaying my emotions but doing what was necessary in the moment despite them. The first thing I learned when young was regardless of my personal feelings on a matter I had and always should act in the best interest of those around me.

So, lines like

"My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!"

Were always going to ring low to me in comparison to,

"Lie, until it gets better, follow the king of the masquerade. Since when have I ignored my feelings? It’s better to be a let down, than to be let down yourself."

Simply because the second is just truer to me. Because I understand what it feels like to think it's better to do something correctly in a dishonest way than put all your hopes into something and build up the courage to be candid just to still fail. When I was young and did that, regardless of the situation the repeated pattern would be,

"I'm going to ignore you said that and come back later. Hopefully when I do, you're in a better mood."

Or,

"Actually, I liked you better when you were lying for my benefit. I don't think I want to be around you now that you've said those things."

Q.08 Which do you prioritise between logic and feelings?

Kazui: I put my feelings first and it ended badly. So, I don’t want to act just based on feelings again.

Q.13 Who do you want to see right now?

Kazui: They won’t see me anymore.

A lot of friendships I've had have ended because I said something in favor of myself over the wants of that individual. Simply because when one keeps putting up an act, people love the performance more than the person.

The biggest kicker here is I'm afab, yet because of my upbringing, I have traits that would usually be viewed as toxically masculine. I should, on some level, be able to relate to Mahiru wanting to be able to openly express her feelings, have them viewed, and accepted regardless of how she comes off. However, I can't for the life of me wrap my mind around why someone would ever behave in that way outside of just going well that's how she is. Something that I can quite easily accept as a reasonable answer without needing further explanation because if being that way makes her happy and she's not hurting anyone, it doesn't need to make sense to me.

At the same time, I recognize not everyone has the luxury of behaving the way she does. Just going my feelings are inconvenient I don't care this is how I am whenever they feel like it. Some people are taught to bottle that shit up and start acting correctly. Some people are told that they can't control the actions of others, but they can control how they react, and if they can't control that, then the fool is them.

Some people are shown time after time that it doesn't matter what others do, it's their responsibility as the bigger person to be reasonable. That's what being an adult is, so you better learn it early.

Q.06 What would you say is the difference between adults and children?

Kazui: Responsibility. Adults can’t just do whatever they want.

I literally went to my Grandad's wake last month and when I went to the restroom with my grandma I honestly said yeah I just came in here to cry really, I don't gotta use it. She bluntly told me to do that at home like she did not in public near these people. My ass just laughed it off and went yeah, you're right and switched gears harder than someone who just passed their destination.

You're right I lost myself for a minute there. I mean even contemplating crying in a bathroom at a wake for my grandad, who just died of cancer on Father's Day, that I hadn't seen in years until today silly me displays such as that are better left for the privacy of one's own home. Whelp, back to being the emotional rock of this family. How are you handling things? How have you been?

This may sound abnormal to some, but it isn't in my family. Hell, my grandad was pretty much the same. I remember asking him on one I think it was Christmas at his house but know I was around six or seven something along the lines of hey you know my mother (his daughter) like whoops me and my older sister sometimes for no reason for hours on end what's up with that? The dude flat out told me stop doing shit to get beat or don't get caught doing stuff that would illicit that reaction.

He pulled the equivalent of skill issue and kid me has been lying ever since. Constantly everywhere in friendships, professional environments, with my family. Few people recognize that for some people lying can become so commonplace whether it be out of necessity or habit that being honest about anything turns into a struggle.

I even just lie to myself sometimes for fun just to see if I catch myself doing it- Which one would rightfully think you must know it's a lie and oh I do. Yet, I also know if I keep behaving in a certain way it will become the truth to someone. This lie could be someone else's reality if I commit hard enough. People don't really want to see the truth anyway, some will deny it regardless of how clearly it's stated. Because everyone has a lie, they would rather accept more than the truth of the matter.

No one is above wanting to see whatever they enjoy over and over again. Or to put it a different way,

"Make a favorite shape and love it."

I sincerely know if I'm jovial enough and don't cause trouble no one will ever ask what's going on. Because most people despite what they say don't really care about me as a person or my thoughts on matters concerning my life they just want to hear themselves talk about what I should be doing, about how my life is/was, if my experiences were good or bad from their perspective.

Hell, Yuno is an example of this-

Umblical

"Just the two of us. I finally found it. The lies are endless."

Trial 1 Voice Drama

"That’s right- You know those sorts of people who just want to convince themselves; so, they stick their nose into the affairs of others knowing it’s not their place? I despise those sorts of people the most. They’re only getting involved to make themselves feel better, right? In the end they never actually accomplish anything."

“Yuno…”

“No matter how many chilling memories I had to endure, those people never gave me any warmth. He-he I ended up going off topic there! Um, what did I wanna say again?”

-273.15°C Second Voice Drama

"Hurry up and extract the song or whatever. And then! Why don't you randomly decide what is and isn't true, to come to whatever arbitrary decision you'll make next!"

Later

"Kotoko is someone I would never be friends with. She's the type to pick her conclusion from the start without actually talking to anyone."

Q.12 What do you want from the guard?

Yuno: I’d like it if you stopped trying to force some kind of reason on everything.

Tear Drop

“I’m the one who chose, let you and you and you all in. Happy or sad? Why decide? Where’d you get your half-baked sense of justice? So, nauseating…so creepy…will you please disappear “Phew. Anyway!”.”

"If you want “me”, come marco, I’ll polo."

"Lie, until it gets better, follow the king of the masquerade."

We're really following the leader on this one.

At this point, I severely doubt most know what it's like for a person to have to constantly keep themselves in check at all times. Never having the satisfaction of being able to say what's true or having others see them for who they really are instead of who that other person would like to see. The ideal that they've created on top of them or the lie the other has presented.

This person recognizing the truth is an inconvenience, they know good and well what happens when they open up, and that they'll only have themselves to blame if things go poorly.

"Am I a bad girl? Please don’t answer. What do you want to do? Please tell me." - "Let’s just do it, please smile?"

"Please tell me what I should do, feelings shrouded in lies will float away and disappear." - "The beating of this heart... see... it’s no longer about good and bad... it isn’t I realize the futility, but I still can’t help but dream."

"The fading warmth makes me anxious again." - "This feeling, it’s yearning to be satisfied."

Gender, sexuality, romantic orientation none of that matters anyone can get caught up in lies piling on and on. To the point of feeling crushed.

Q.18 Do you regret your “murder”?

Kazui: I regret it. I wish I could’ve just kept lying.

Q.10 If you could turn back time, would you commit the same “murder”?

Yuno: It’d be nice if I made it so I didn’t have to.

"Don’t weigh me, measure me against your morality. Just shut it, will you? You know it all." - "So, it’s wrong? Oh, shove that!"

#milgram #yuno kashiki #kazui mukuhara

[chatadile2]

Hi! Would you be willing to share anything more about your sidestep? 👀 no pressure, of course, but I’d love to hear more about them!

Hihi, yee don't mind don't mind, thank you for the ask and the interest in her!

One thing before I do tho, that this might change later on mattering from how the next 2 books will be when they come out (not like I'm gonna really remember my choices, so probably will replay and deviate from how I did originally in most things), but overall it shouldn't really, just wanna let my Sidestep actually have a happy life after what happened and be able to heal <:D

Also this is going to be long from what I have written so far, way more than I expected, but hope it's alr :D

(It probably has spoilers in there, but tried to not say too much to make sure anyone reading won't be getting the full picture, till they get there. Also edited it, so it has a cut, cause realised that it might take up more space in searches than I want it to)

-Her name is Tiaxy Draconic (based on my sona since I like to have her in any kind of interactive book story to see what can happen with her and to enjoy the story a bit more personally), a gal with white skin, longer braided blond hair and green eyes, who is a seasoned tech-savy tactician, that becomes very conflicted by the events retribution towards her own self, her villain persona, puppet, life and emotions overall making things more complicated than ever,

-Big sweet toothed telepath, favourite sweet specifically is cheescake!

-Her villain name is Tiamat, based on the goddess and looks somewhat like what they designed for her in the game Smite (Overall my sona herself is connected in a way to the goddess in her own lore outside of the books, so seemed most fitting to make it her villain self's armor), but made to fit the story a bit better, other than with the armor having an expressive face on the helmet, which can show her emotions well enough when she wants it to that can be controlled with cams inside the head aimed at her face and with through the ui. The armor itself wouldn't be exactly like the book describes, being apart, but together, like the power armor in fallout (much more to my liking for what I'm imagining an armor of hers is). It's in the terrifying category with speed, jet boost and telepathy enhancing, helping to keep the "no hit record" alive and well enough that she only got hit majorly once, she isn't planning to get hit majorly anymore even if the armor can take it,

-Main motivation as a villain is justice and truth on the other side and she is an anarchist in the 1st playthrough, mattering from which I like, might switch to another (not really into the politics, but doesn't mean I didn't like punting a guy in one of the later missions tho),

-Her base is an abandoned office building (or whatever it was, can't remember the exact name atm), she refurbished it enough to live there, making sure her armor is close enough by for easy access, old apartment wasn't bad though, she lived well enough, manipulating rich peeps to give her their money, funding her life easily, puppet stayed above the apartment after she moved though,

-As a villain, she isn't trying to kill anyone, atleast any civilians (anyone else will get punted if they are in the way), knows they aren't the problem and tries to show the truth to them and to overall everyone, trying to plant doupt where it needs to be present, even if it's naive at that time, her goals are overall heroic rather than villanious,

-She might pretend a lot, masking as she had always done in fear of being seen and recognised, she is trying/starting to be more positive and genuine towards the end, not by much, but it's way bigger difference then in rebirth with her being very antisocial, it might bite her later though, like before, but hopefully can get out of trouble in the next books,

-Says she doesn't want to keep her friends, yet does, doesn't wanna interact with them, yet does and runs into them by accident a lot, doesn't want to love anyone, yet again does and says things she says she didn't actually want and why did she even do so, for example, she agreed to get together with Herald when she didn't exactly plan to, surpising even her own self and ofc making Herald very happy (he is too much of a positive influence on her, both physical and mental, and she couldn't say no, even tho she thinks she wanted to, she didn't, she can't deny it >:]),

-She overall knows something is wrong with her, broken (literally, yknow yknow when), and instead of keeping the destructive habits, tries to get herself together proper and tries to heal, as well as her own self allows and is able of course, and even tries to accept herself somewhat even if it's very hard, she agreed to see the therapist too by Ortega's wishes and recommendation in rebirth and didn't push them away too much in retri, didn't reveal too much either, but wasn't overall hostile, so didn't really regret it that much compared to when she agreed to it and said it helped some,

-Nightmares are still plenty regardless of change (which I hope will change later and she actually can get sleep, cause my god she needs it, every sidestep needs to have a good night sleep),

-As mentioned, she is starting to accept herself, so she is starting to use her puppet a bit less after 2 years and deciding to start going by herself more to wherever she needs to be or mainly in armor rather most of the time though,

-Speaking of the puppet, his name is Jake a white skinned, green eyed, black and green wild haired guy, who got together with Ortega in rebirth and are eternally flirting in retri, which is still the case by the end,

-Puppet met Ortega while boxing, getting some emotions out, they train whenever they can,

-As herself, she became Herald's coach, which was the extent she wanted the connection be, but things took a turn for possibly better than expected,

-Became even more friendly friends by retri with Steel, Ortega, Herald (ofc, who wouldn't) and Mortum through her puppet (broke my heart through the first playthrough tho of retri when Tia gave him the gun as herself and decided it's as good as of a time to tell him something very important [I never regretted anything more in my life, physical and mental damage irl that I didn't think was possible ;-;], hoping tho that it won't bite me later and actually be agood thing),

-Since she unintentionally (def intentionally, even if she doesn't realise) got closer with most of the rangers (other than Argent, they are netrual since rebirth), they all noticed something up with her and always ask "are you okay?", which she at the 4th time was like "why is everyone keep asking me this???", which was honestly pretty funny, getting asked so many times if she is, ofc she isn't, but she won't gonna say it just yet (she did admit it a bit though, with Ortega in rebirth, he did recommend the therapist for a reason),

-Spoon is still the best thing that happened interms of animal interactions, she enjoyed her time with Steel there a ton,

-Would absolutelly be a cat person, if she didn't know better, wouldn't mind a dog either (she needs a therapy dog by the end, I swear, hoping and praying here [even if that doesn't happen, rat king might be better for that purpose for Sidestep specifically]),

-Other than the rangers and a select few, she isn't fond of people regardless of how much change she goes through, that won't change, antisocial all the wayyy babbbyyyy other than friends ofc,

-Compared to rebirth, she calmed down a lot more from the high of her villain self's deput, still that doesn't mean she isn't excited to go and be the villain whenever the time comes, that's still exciting regardless, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have her doubts about wether or not it is truly the right path she decided upon after everything,

-Likes rainy days and water overall. Likes to just watch rainfall from her room, esp likes it when it pours. It's somehow pretty terapeutic just watching and listening to the rain fall. Whenever she is able, she does go to the beach to listen to the waves,

-Likes to wear an almost fully black coat, which is just a very dark shade of blue, likes the fact it is long and almost reach the ground, under it a light blue shirt, with long dark purple pants and formal-ish shoes that are made to make sure she can walk on wet and otherwise problematic surfaces without any trouble, and she wears white gloves.

And I think that's it atm, can't remember more from the top of my head and I think this is plenty for now anyways, I wrote down a lot more than I expected to have! Hopefully this can give a bit more inside into my darling Sidestep, since I'm an artist, I might even draw them depending on if I can stick with what I'm drawing and not just put it on the shelf for later, yknow yknow gjjfj.

Again, thank you for the interest in my gal! If you have anymore questions about her that are more specific and not answered here, just lmk! I don't mind talking about it and aswering, I rather enjoy doing so :]

#Asks #fallen hero #fallen hero retribution #fallen hero rebirth #sidestep #Oc Tiaxy

[byler-4-life]

Is Mike going to have to 'lose' Will again in order to embrace his own feeings?

Before anyone gets upset, I don't mean lose Will as in Will dies. We don't embrace the 'bury your gays' trope here.

What I have seen after the trailer though is a few different theories about Will maybe being taken into the Upside Down again. Either by choice trying to sacrifice himself to save everyone else. Or by force, kidnapped by Vecna because Will (hopefully) has powers that he wants to take advantage of. And that's how the season will end. That's the 'cliffhanger' that we've heard about. And Season 5 would be trying to save Will.

Listen, as much as I don't want that to be the case for Byler reasons (the longer it takes for them to get together, the less of them together we get to see. I might have a post on this later), and Will reasons (has the boy not suffered enough?)....I can kind of see the appeal from a dramatic sense. Bringing the story full circle with having to save Will again.

And while I would prefer Mike accepting his feelings towards Will without this happening...I definitely think this would do it. I mean, let's go back to Season 1. The whole season Mike was convinced Will was alive and was desperate to save him. Except for that short period of time after they pulled the fake Will body out of the lake and Mike thought he was dead. Do we all remember how he reacted?

It took my man no time at all before he was back home, lovingly caressing the binder full of Will's drawings that he had. We really didn't get to see how far down this path his mind would go, because he quickly found out, thanks to El, that Will was really still alive.

We did, however, get to see a little more insight into Mike's mind in Season 2, when he thought he was going to lose Will again to the Mind Flayer. The iconic shed scene, where no one could get through to Will. Where they weren't even sure if Will was still in there, and Mike joined Joyce and Jonathan in giving deeply personal and emotional speeches. And we all remember what the thought of losing Will forever forced Mike into saying, right?

THE BEST THING HE'S EVER DONE.

Well, that definitely got us closer to the truth Mike. But we're still not all the way there yet. I hope it doesn't come to this, but if he thinks he's lost Will for good this time, only to find out that there's a way to save him, and maybe he himself has to go into the Upside Down to do so...well...

Maybe that'll be the last push that Mike needs to admit what we already know - Mike Wheeler is completely in love with Will Byers.

#byler #byler theory

[raayllum]

One thing I love about TDP is that while it can be genre subversive (i.e. Ezran going home at the end of S2 for example) it doesn’t break its own narrative promises / set up and payoff. 

For example: despite Soren being more of an outward dick in S1 (step-prince, dumb jock, etc) and Claudia being relatively much nicer (Callum’s crush on her, hasn’t done anything as bad as Soren yet on an emotional level), the show makes it pretty clear that their moralities are very skewed in a few key ways. Moments after Claudia sent smoke wolves after the boys, Soren is saving Callum’s life. 

Soren intends to kill Runaan (upon the assassin’s own request), while Claudia believes that it’s worth keeping Runaan alive for “more practical uses.” She also doesn’t see anything wrong with the switching spell and thought of it herself, while even Viren can at least understand some of Harrow’s reservations. Soren is ultimately always a crownguard and Claudia is decidedly a dark mage. These are some of the reasons why I always figured that if either of them did break away from their father, Soren would be the one while Claudia would spiral further, and I know S2 cemented this for a lot of us going into S3. 

Which is to say: the show isn’t interested in yanking the rug out from under our feet to subvert expectations. If something is repeatedly alluded to in a negative light, it will follow through on it (even if it may reveal more depth later). Even things where we are purposefully misled are very brief and the clues are obvious (i.e. Ava’s moonstone collar, but we didn’t know moon magic was primarily about illusions until then) in retrospect. A perfect example of this is when Claudia kills the deer in 2x09; although it’s an act that is far easier to swallow and understand, it’s still very symptomatic of what sorts of mindsets will continually be her undoing in S3 and S4. 

Which is to say anyone that knows me knows I adore the Game Motif in the show, largely surrounding the Key of Aaravos in S1-S3 and then extended more explicitly to Aaravos himself in S4.

The Key is immediately connected to Callum’s arc as a mage and a sense of compulsion, but also as something that stirs up trouble. He gets them to go to the Banther Lodge for it believing it will be safe, but it’s too late to back out when humans like Amaya show up. Callum forgets about the cube entirely, surprised that Rayla has it by the end of the episode, and cites that “We should’ve never come here.” Moreover, the cube often foreshadows things that will cause problems for the group: the giant fish that makes the Ocean rune glow almost eats them; the Moon rune glowing as they walk up the Caldera and Callum’s notice of it foreshadows that Lujanne will not be the miracle healer they hope for. 

The one big exception in terms of the cube being legitimately, plot relevantly useful is in 3x08 when it helps Callum realize his necklace from Rayla is a moon opal, and thus can be used to help find the truth of what happened to her family (and hopefully mean she won’t think she has to, y’know, die and stuff). 

More than four seasons later, we see his attitude toward it has soured again.

And it would be one thing if it was just foreshadowing from the other characters (which, Rayla and Soren tend to foreshadow the most, mouthpiece wise, I think) or in Callum’s mind

But we also have 2x08 called The Book of Destiny in which Callum’s tormented by the dark magic cube (as opposed to Claudia’s literal book) and his father in chains, asking for him to reject the very gift Harrow gave him just two episodes ago, muddling the Key’s few positive associations further. Rayla calls it a glow toy in 1x05 and we see from the 4x04 intro that’s precisely what it is. And even more than that, the 4x04 intro that exists within the story’s narrative but outside the main cast’s conception of events.

If the cube had no negative affect in store for Callum, it would not be here in the intro because it doesn’t need to be. It’s here for sorely symbolic / foreshadowing purposes, like the way a book cover operates. It’s a direct clue to the audience, and the audience online, that more than the Key is a piece of Aaravos’ games, and that the two are intrinsically linked: a loaded die, a smoking gun. A game that Callum already unknowingly lost - a long time ago. 

#tdp #the dragon prince #tdp meta #analysis series #analysis #the key of aaravos #knight sibs #parallels #like the cube is something Bad (at least at first) idk what to tell people

[valetinas]

SPOILERS

I just watched the Fnaf movie and I just wanted to share some opinions about it with hopefully little to no spoilers!!

Like any good movie it’s pretty normal at the start and gradually gets more interesting as the story develops and you learn more about the characters, their personalities, and of course their backstories.

The characters themselves were pretty well written you can see their personalities and how their backstories plays into how they act for example in the spoiler we’ve all hopefully seen of Mike beating up some guy you later learn the reason for his action as well as realize why he did it and how exactly it affected him. For the other characters such as Vanessa the policewoman, Abby the little sister, and the animatronics you see their reasons for the way act and everything and portray themselves.

The plot twists in my opinion were honestly a little predictable I figured some out a bit before they happen but if your not as big a fan or anything then it’ll be different. There are references to the game Spoilers?? ((Like chica in the kitchen, bonnie leaving first, looking at the camera, and being in the closet. As well as foxy humming and an it’s me message written somewhere )))

The acting is pretty good they show emotions and everything as they are good actors.

The storyline doesn’t line up with the games or anything so It’s most likely separate from the games and books.

Blood and gore there wasn’t a lot of there was some scenes with a little bit but it’s not like excessive also there is mostly suspense and jump scares which was expected cause it’s five nights at Freddy’s .

Certain scenes which are important in the game do come up a little unexpectedly which in my opinion is great.

The way the animatronics behave is explainable and honestly not all that predictable

SPOILERS

((The animatronics which are possessed by kids do actually act like the kids they are in some specific scenes and when there’s a threat they act in order to protect the place even if it means death. They are children and in basically an illusion that the rabbit is their friend and assume that what he says is true so they attack but when they realize the truth they do what is know is necessary even if they know what will happen. I know what I’m saying is very vague but this is to have as little spoilers as possible))

There are differences as in family relationships and backstories from the game which is what makes it separate from the games and books.

Besides from the suspense, little jumpscares, and certain scenes it’s actually not as scary as I expected but of course it’s different for everyone my sister, who I watched it with, thought it was more suspenseful and more anxiety inducing and for my mom she thought it was more scary for the certain scenes I don’t want to spoil for you.

Overall it’s a pretty good movie I don’t regret watching I would totally watch it again.

Me 10/10

My sister (not a Fnaf fan) 4/10

My mom( also not a Fnaf fan) 1/10 (she doesn’t like horror)

#fnaf #movie #review #opinion

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Veered a little off course, for a much better entry for me. . .than the one about 7 deadly “sins” 2-25-23

"Although at times the mind may not be clear, compassion is always the appropriate response. To have mercy on our mercilessness. To leave nothing unhealed." - Stephen Levine

Intentions only go so far, and are only good for so long. Intentions without action have expiration dates.

Now.

What do I believe in?

Well, I believe in myself, and I believe in the potential of every other human being.

Where any of them fall short isn't really my problem (until it is, but that’s a different entry), but I'm here to help how, and if I can.

Where I fall short though, the strength I forged in my honesty, my truth, helps me pull myself back, all I ask is for love, and sometimes patience through kindness, like I’d show you.

I was gonna write about those 7 deadly “sins” and their virtuous opposites, and what I believe brings it to balance, mostly in the hopes of finding better balance in some areas myself. . .

I've found myself at another spot thinking though, about priorities.

I'm still watching Little House on the Prairie. I'm several episodes into season 3 now, and just watched the one where Laura's father Charles went back to the Big Wood to get his father and bring him home, because his mother passed. He missed her passing, and was in an emotional tug-of-war with his pa.

Anyways . . .priorities.

I can't seem to stray too far, for too long, especially since I have these entries once a week to help me stay on task.

Limiting those deathbed regrets is still top of the list. And all with the added bonus of living in the now with what's truly important, or picking up the slack when I recognize my priority list has slipped a little out of plumb. It's usually easy enough to get back to level-headed if I can get out of my own way, and take what others feel and say, steady, but to heart.

It's not all about me.

I can see how that might be confusing, my always writing about . . . me, and . . . my life.

But it's how I empty me out to make room for those who also belong in here with me.

I really feel for those less fortunate, that have no way to balance as well.

And I'm so grateful I have found a way for me to do just that. Grateful barely touches the surface of how I actually feel. Barely.

I still struggle, a lot actually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. I'm not above any other person I know in these areas. I'm just lucky enough to have ways of coping that are healthier than my old ways.

I was just thinking the other day about when I die, hopefully later rather than sooner.

If people will come together, and what will the memories look like, feel like?

I do know one thing, as I hope for mostly positive stories, and memories, I don't want the pain and trauma and all the bad shit dismissed. All of that made me who I am, makes me who I have become. It needs to find its way to light when those who might be remembering are . . .remembering.

I had a ton of pain. I caused so much myself. When anyone remembers the person I became, just acknowledge how and why.

It could still help someone, my fucked up story. But not nearly as likely to happen if it's not the whole story, or if it's told out of context.

Have you ever thought how people, especially loved ones will be, and how you might be remembered? I mean, like immediately after, and years later, like maybe when someone grabs an old photo of you.

Smiles?

Tears?

Both?

More than likely it's both.

Scales tipping out of balance until things are overcome. I'm not unique in this, not hardly, but it's not any less impressive to me that I made it. . .out . . .made . it. .here.

I stay grate full! How could I not?

It’s not all about me.

I said that already right? Probably because, I still need to be reminded myself from time to time. For even as hard as I try, for as long as I have, it’s still easy to forget sometimes.

The way our society and culture is designed makes it seem like “selfishness” or at least being more than self-centered is how it should be. It’s way too socially acceptable to not give a shit about others. Just sayin’.

And FYI, we can do for some, for any. It doesn’t have to be all. Promise.

I love writing, especially when my heart completely takes over. It’s a whole different entry than what I intended for it to be.

What I need to say, to feel heard about, isn’t always the same as what my brain thinks I should be writing to you guys, as you can tell.

I’m closing here.

I know I feel better.

How about you? Lol no lol

Keep sharing your love and laughter with the world around, and be kind as always as possible. Although civility will work, it is the minimum right? And remember that anything that makes you feel can’t be all bad. Feeling feelings reminds us that we are human!

Until next week;

"No longer can we parse our fellow humans into the categories of ‘lovable’ and ‘unlovable.’ If love is an act of the will — not motivated by need, not measuring worth, not requiring reciprocity — then there is no such category as ‘unlovable." - Jen Wilkin

[kim-poce]

A Witch's Tale

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17

(Corva uses they/them pronouns for Neveah since she doesn't know their gender)

Corva looked at the two familiars in front of her, keeping her face impassive even as her emotions reeled.

They had scars. On their necks. From hex-damned collars.

Her wrist gave a sympathetic twinge of pain at the reminder of the lengths people will go to to imprison others.

She tucked away all the tidbits of information the short conversation provided. She would sort through them later, along with her own feelings about this mess; for now, she needed to focus on these two.

Her presence wasn't helping. The redhead had steadily grown more and more anxious while she was in the room, obviously seeing her as a threat. The blonde was definitely not telling the whole truth about their panic, but she couldn't exactly blame them for that. If a strange woman had come into her room at the lab, asking for what should be common knowledge and offering something too good to be true? She would have lied too.

Abruptly she realized just how stupid this had been. Yes, she got the information she was looking for about Melanie not telling the whole truth, but was her curiosity worth these two's panic?

Corva gave the two a small smile, as soft as she could. It felt strange; she was used to using the expression as a threat more often than a comfort.

"I apologize for intruding, then," she said softly. "It was not my intention to distress you more. Sleep well."

She slipped out of their room and back to her own, trying to make sense of the information she had learned. She locked the door behind herself and went back to her nest in the closet.

So. What she had learned:

Witches were bound to familiars by contracts.

These could apparently vary, and familiars had some level of autonomy in accepting or not.

The proper procedure for such a contract went through the court, meaning it had some level of oversight.

Mixed-species individuals faced discrimination.

Wherever those two had been before this was worse than their current setup.

The current setup was still Not Great.

Witches wielded power over their familiars (to an unknown extent or purpose).

The idea that Melanie was trying to sell her, that everything here was perfect and happy, was a lie.

Corva breathed slowly, in through her nose and out through her mouth. If there was one thing she absolutely could not stand? It was power imbalances and the abuse they created. It was all too familiar.

(Yes, she was aware that she had issues. She was working on them. She was even working on working on them in healthier ways. Back off.)

She couldn't do anything about it tonight, though. She needed to sleep; she'd already demonstrated that she was firmly in the territory of impaired decision making from lack of it.

She could search for more information in the morning.

Next

Crossovers - Masterlist

=-=

Everyone was already in the kitchen when Corva walked in.

"Hello, child! Do take a seat. Did you sleep well?" Melanie asked, not waiting for an answer, it's not like Corva would be sincere anyway, "Let me introduce you to the rest of the children."

She gestured to Vincent, who was breeding tea, "This girl here is Vincent—" Vincent waved at Corva "—she isn't as curious as the ones you've met, so hopefully she won't make you as uncomfortable."

Melanie gestured to the two newest familiars, who were sitting side by side, "these two here are, in order, Briar and Nevaeh. Be nice to them," the last sentence had a warning tone.

The two looked at Corva warily for a while and then back down, neither of them said anything.

Ducan, who was sitting not far from the new duo, tried to stab Briar with his shap tail, Briar gritted his teeth as he attacked back using the same method. The rest of the kitchen either didn't see or didn't care about their little fight.

Well, Hannu minded, more specifically he was getting annoyed, "Ducan isn't it your turn to buy bread?"

"There is still some from yesterday," Ducan said with a grin while dodging Briar's tail.

Hannu glanced at Cody and raised his eyebrows, "I..." Cody started, "May have eaten... some... at night."

Duncan rolled his eyes at that, glaring at Coby for a second, "Fine," he said before getting up and leaving.

=-=

@cupcakes-and-pain, @latenightcupsofcoffee, @rose-pinkie

#whump #A Witch's tale #the Witch's Lair #asks #wolfeyedwitch

[bibliophilebookreviews]

August BOTM Wishlist

As we approach another month, anticipation is building and I can't wait to see what BOTM will be offering in just two short weeks. I was glad to see a couple of my July hopefuls actually made it, so fingers crossed for August!

Before I get to my "official" list, let it be known that I'm still hoping for Love on the Brain, as mentioned in my previous hopefuls post. I knew I was pushing it for July, but with an August 23 release date, it has a good chance of being chosen this time. BOTM, don't let me down!

MAIN PICKS

Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid (Contemporary Fiction, pub date: 8/30/22)

Goodreads Blurb: Carrie Soto is fierce, and her determination to win at any cost has not made her popular. But by the time she retires from tennis, she is the best player the world has ever seen. She has shattered every record and claimed twenty Grand Slam titles. And if you ask Carrie, she is entitled to every one. She sacrificed nearly everything to become the best, with her father, Javier, as her coach. A former champion himself, Javier has trained her since the age of two.

But six years after her retirement, Carrie finds herself sitting in the stands of the 1994 US Open, watching her record be taken from her by a brutal, stunning player named Nicki Chan.

At thirty-seven years old, Carrie makes the monumental decision to come out of retirement and be coached by her father for one last year in an attempt to reclaim her record. Even if the sports media says that they never liked “the Battle-Axe” anyway. Even if her body doesn’t move as fast as it did. And even if it means swallowing her pride to train with a man she once almost opened her heart to: Bowe Huntley. Like her, he has something to prove before he gives up the game forever.

In spite of it all, Carrie Soto is back, for one epic final season. In this riveting and unforgettable novel, Taylor Jenkins Reid tells her most vulnerable, emotional story yet.

My Thoughts: First of all, we stan TJR. And even though Malibu Rising was hit-or-miss with a lot of TJR fans, Carrie Soto is sure to be a hit (see what I did there?) -- the book already has a 4.5 star rating on Goodreads. Personally, I love both tennis and a comeback story so I will be supremely disappointed if this is not chosen.

The Last Housewife by Ashley Winstead (Mystery/Thriller, pub date: 8/16/22)

Goodreads Blurb: While in college in upstate New York, Shay Evans and her best friends met a captivating man who seduced them with a web of lies about the way the world works, bringing them under his thrall. By senior year, Shay and her friend Laurel were the only ones who managed to escape. Now, eight years later, Shay's built a new life in a tony Texas suburb. But when she hears the horrifying news of Laurel's death—delivered, of all ways, by her favorite true-crime podcast crusader—she begins to suspect that the past she thought she buried is still very much alive, and the predators more dangerous than ever.

Recruiting the help of the podcast host, Shay goes back to the place she vowed never to return to in search of answers. As she follows the threads of her friend's life, she's pulled into a dark, seductive world, where wealth and privilege shield brutal philosophies that feel all too familiar. When Shay's obsession with uncovering the truth becomes so consuming she can no longer separate her desire for justice from darker desires newly reawakened, she must confront the depths of her own complicity and conditioning. But in a world built for men to rule it—both inside the cult and outside of it—is justice even possible, and if so, how far will Shay go to get it?

My Thoughts: I'm slowly getting more into thrillers, and even though this one sounds a little vague and open, it makes me interested to see what might unfold in this story. The reviews are off the charts and it sounds really intense and un-put-down-able so hopefully BOTM is getting in on this!

Mother in the Dark by Kayla Maiuri (Literary Fiction, pub date: 8/9/22)

Goodreads Blurb: When Anna's sister calls with an urgent message, Anna doesn't return the call. She knows it's about their mother.

Growing up in working class Boston in an Italian American family, Anna's childhood was sparse but comfortable--filled with homemade pasta sauce and a close-knit neighborhood. Anna and her sisters are devoted to their mother, orbiting her like the sun, trying to keep up with her loving but mercurial nature as she bounces between tenderness and bitterness.

When their father gets a new job outside the city, the family is tossed unceremoniously into a middle-class suburban existence. Anna's mother is suddenly adrift, and the darkness lurking inside her expands until it threatens to explode. Her daughters, trapped with her in the new house, isolated, must do everything they can to keep her from unraveling.

Alternating between childhood and a single weekend in Anna's twenties, in which she receives a shattering call about her mother and threatens to blow up her own precariously constructed new life in New York, Mother in the Dark asks whether we can ever really go back home when the idea of home was so unstable. Whether we can escape that instability or accept that our personalities are built around the defenses we put up. Maiuri is a master at revealing the fragile horrors of domestic family life and how the traumas of the past shape the present and generations of women.

A story about sisterhood, the complications of class, and the chains of inheritance between mothers and daughters, Mother in the Dark delivers an unvarnished portrayal of a young woman consumed by her past and a family teetering on the edge of a knife.

My Thoughts: I'm always fascinated by stories that revolve around family drama and secrets. And I love that this story alternates between Anna's childhood and adult life. Though it sounds like it might be a slow burner, the few ratings and reviews so far seem promising enough that this could be a hidden treasure for BOTM.

The Family Remains by Lisa Jewell (Mystery/Thriller, pub date: 8/9/22)

Goodreads Blurb: Early one morning on the shore of the Thames, DCI Samuel Owusu is called to the scene of a gruesome discovery. When Owusu sends the evidence for examination, he learns the bones are connected to a cold case that left three people dead on the kitchen floor in a Chelsea mansion thirty years ago.

Rachel Rimmer has also received a shock—news that her husband, Michael, has been found dead in the cellar of his house in France. All signs point to an intruder, and the French police need her to come urgently to answer questions about Michael and his past that she very much doesn’t want to answer.

After fleeing London thirty years ago in the wake of a horrific tragedy, Lucy Lamb is finally coming home. While she settles in with her children and is just about to purchase their first-ever house, her brother takes off to find the boy from their shared past whose memory haunts their present.

As they all race to discover answers to these convoluted mysteries, they will come to find that they’re connected in ways they could have never imagined.

In this masterful standalone sequel to her haunting New York Times bestseller, The Family Upstairs, Lisa Jewell proves she is writing at the height of her powers with another jaw-dropping, intricate, and affecting novel about the lengths we will go to protect the ones we love and uncover the truth.

My Thoughts: Having not read The Family Upstairs, I'm glad to know that this can be read as a standalone. However, I'm sure fans of The Family Upstairs would love the "sequel" to match their BOTM copy. However, Lisa Jewell already has 5 BOTM books so it might be a stretch for them to pick this one.

ADD-ON/SPOTLIGHT

Again, add-ons are a little unpredictable, especially with the possibility of more than 5 main picks. But here are some that I would love to see.

The Fixer Upper by Lauren Forsythe (Romance, pub date: 8/2/22)

Goodreads Blurb: In this funny and sharp romantic comedy, a woman with a knack for turning her boyfriends’ lives around starts a professional service to help wrangle men, only to be unexpectedly matched with an old flame.

Ever since she can remember, Aly has been fixing everything around her: her parents’ marriage, her colleagues’ work problems, and her friends’ love lives. After a chance meeting with an ex who has gone from a living in his parents’ basement to a married project manager in three years, she realizes she’s been fixing her boyfriends, too…

So, Aly decides to put her talents to good use and, alongside two work friends, sets up The Fixer Upper, an exclusive, underground service for women who are tired of unpaid emotional labor. Using little tricks and tips, Aly and her friends get the men to do the work themselves – to get out of the job they hate, sign up for that growth seminar, to do more parenting. Before long, a high-profile Instagram star hires them to fix-up her app developer boyfriend. There’s just one catch – he’s also Aly’s childhood best friend and first love. As Aly tackles her biggest “fixer upper” yet, she’ll have to come to terms with their complicated history and figure out how much to change someone she’d always thought was perfect as he is…

My Thoughts: Okay, I'm a sucker for romance, and I love the premise of this book. (I'm also really interested in how Aly gets these men to improve themselves!) But any book that reunites first loves is already a winner in my book. Though this one has just under 4 stars on Goodreads, I am attributing that to this book not really being on people's radar. Fingers crossed that BOTM picks this one up!

How You Grow Wings by Rimma Onoseta (YA, pub date: 8/9/22)

Goodreads Blurb: Sisters Cheta and Zam couldn’t be more different. Cheta, sharp-tongued and stubborn, never shies away from conflict—either at school or at home, where her mother fires abuse at her. Timid Zam escapes most of her mother’s anger, skating under the radar and avoiding her sister whenever possible. In a turn of good fortune, Zam is invited to live with her aunt’s family in the lap of luxury. Jealous, Cheta also leaves home, but finds a harder existence that will drive her to terrible decisions. When the sisters are reunited, Zam alone will recognize just how far Cheta has fallen—and Cheta’s fate will rest in Zam’s hands.   Debut author Rimma Onoseta deftly explores classism, colorism, cycles of abuse, how loyalty doesn’t always come attached to love, and the messy truths that sometimes family is not a source of comfort and that morality is all shades of gray.

My Thoughts: Every once in a while, a YA novel really piques my interest. I love that this is another family drama kind of story, and in particular, that these sisters are described as polar opposites and one will come to depend on the other. I am super excited to read this, and the few ratings and reviews make this sound like another hidden gem.

Mika in Real Life by Emiko Jean (Contemporary Fiction, pub date: 8/9/22)

Goodreads Blurb: One phone call changes everything.

At thirty-five, Mika Suzuki’s life is a mess. Her last relationship ended in flames. Her roommate-slash-best friend might be a hoarder. She’s a perpetual disappointment to her traditional Japanese parents. And, most recently, she’s been fired from her latest dead-end job.

Mika is at her lowest point when she receives a phone call from Penny—the daughter she placed for adoption sixteen years ago. Penny is determined to forge a relationship with her birth mother, and in turn, Mika longs to be someone Penny is proud of. Faced with her own inadequacies, Mika embellishes a fact about her life. What starts as a tiny white lie slowly snowballs into a fully-fledged fake life, one where Mika is mature, put-together, successful in love and her career.

The details of Mika’s life might be an illusion, but everything she shares with curious, headstrong Penny is real: her hopes, dreams, flaws, and Japanese heritage. The harder-won heart belongs to Thomas Calvin, Penny’s adoptive widower father. What starts as a rocky, contentious relationship slowly blossoms into a friendship and, over time, something more. But can Mika really have it all—love, her daughter, the life she’s always wanted? Or will Mika’s deceptions ultimately catch up to her? In the end, Mika must face the truth—about herself, her family, and her past—and answer the question, just who is Mika in real life?

In this brilliant new novel by from Emiko Jean, the author of the New York Times bestselling young adult novel Tokyo Ever After, comes a whip-smart, laugh-out-loud funny, and utterly heartwarming novel about motherhood, daughterhood, and love—how we find it, keep it, and how it always returns.

My Thoughts: I love when authors are versatile and write in multiple genres, so though I haven't read the Tokyo series (yet?) I am excited to read this adult novel from Emiko Jean. Not only am I interested to see how Mika builds a relationship with Penny, but I see that there might be a budding romance in the works for Mika as well. This book sounds like a light but heartwarming read and I really hope BOTM chooses it!

Thanks for reading this far! That’s it for this month!

If you have thoughts on these books or other books BOTM might offer I’d love to hear from you!

And if you’ve never tried BOTM and are interested, feel free to use this referral link to join and get your first month for just $5!

❤️

[rainbowuniversepageantsys]

Thoughtful Thursday!

Since our Circle of Love activity this month is about being responsive to our loved ones and those we want to get closer to let’s remember to be mindful about our communication efforts and lack thereof. Some people say “I don’t know what to say to this person” so they say nothing and the person thinks they don’t care and it breaks their heart that there is no communication. There goes the relationship or potential relationship. But think about this on this Thoughtful Thursday. You can write down a bunch of stuff to say, you can type up a bunch of stuff to say, you can write poetry, you can prepare a text message or even try to leave a voicemail. But if you are too scared to actually say that stuff and put it out there you will not send those messages. They will sit and never be sent and that means you will get more and more frustrated and you might want to hurt yourself for not doing what you know you can do and what you need to do to get to the person you need to get to. So my encouragement today is if you don’t know what to say to someone, whether it’s the words “I love you”, or “I’m sorry” or whatever you need to say, then just tell them “I don’t know what to say to you”. When you are this honest they will appreciate it hopefully and let you off the hook and maybe they will say some stuff and you can follow their lead. Just be real.

You don’t know what to say then tell them so they will know you have been struggling with what to say to them and it’s quite challenging getting it all out. Males, this one is especially for you because your emotional make-up says “hold up, wait a minute, I look like a punk, a sissy, an emotional wreck, I’m a male, I’m a man, I can’t show this, I can’t risk crying.” So you say nothing and females suffer wondering “is he going to say something to me.” To be honest, we usually know you have something to get off your chest or heart so you might as well just tell us you are having a bit of a challenge communicating it to us and then you just might get the opportunity to show it instead. So if you are struggling with saying something very important you need to say just tell the person you don’t know what to say or how to say it and I wish you the best with their response. If they are following my posts then they have to be responsive this month…lol. Come on now, be responsive. That might not sit well with you at first but at least the person is honest with you and cares so much that they need you to know they are struggling with words. And don’t forget, most of need more than words to feel loved and appreciated and cared for. Be thoughtful this Thursday and tell the truth, you will look better and probably feel better after holding all of that in and then later on you just might be able to say what it is you need to say because you were honest. Wear indigo so the truth will be more likely to come out! Good luck!

[plscallmeeren]

3 I H A T E M Y S E L F F O R L O V I N G Y O U

'Midnight, gettin' uptight, where are you?

You said you'd meet me, now it's quarter to two

I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you

Hey Jack, it's a fact they're talkin' in town

I turn my back and you're messin' around

I'm not getting jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you every night and day

You took my heart, and you took my pride away

I hate myself for loving you

Can't break free from the the things that you do

I wanna walk but I run back to you

That's why I hate myself for loving you

Daylight, spent the night without you

But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do

I'm over being angry 'bout the hell you put me through

Hey man, bet you can't treat me right

You just don't know what you was missin' last night

I wanna see you beggin', say, 'forget it' just for spite'

- Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

"See you later, have fun," I called after the twins as they hurried off, simply smiling back at Evan before she left as well. Miriam was at home, 'sick', but in truth she was grieving for her ex-girlfriend that broke up with her.

I wanted to be with her, hugging her, comforting her, whispering sweet nothings that I never knew whether they were true or not, all of it. But instead I was standing in my car door, holding eye contact with Billy Hargrove as he did the same.

Max jumped out of the car beside him, ready to catch up with Angel (who hadn't seen her), but made a point to come up to me beforehand.

Her head sunk as she whispered to me, mildly fearful but mainly fierce, willing me to believe her words: "Stay away from him. Please. I can tell you're not like the others to him - I don't know what he'll do. But he's dangerous. He could hurt you."

"Thanks for the warning. I'm taking you seriously, believe me, but... I spent almost every day of my life with him for three years. He never hurt me," I countered. At least not physically, but I kept that thought to myself. There were no greetings, no small talk, no sugar-coating.

It was strange talking to someone that way. I wasn't used to it in the least. But it was undeniably refreshing. Who did, after all, need all those frivolous words and endless double-meanings?

She shook her head in disbelief, licking her lips nervously as she glanced behind her at Billy, who was beginning to approach us.

"Be careful," she breathed, throwing her skateboard onto the ground and jumping on it, rolling away as she called out for Evan.

What had he done to her? What exactly, so that she had grown so scared?

"That little shit- What did she say to you? Huh? What did she say?" he spoke loudly, and for the first time in years I remembered the intimidating aura that pulsated and radiated when he was angry at someone. More than anything, I remembered those same savage eyes when their hungry gaze was turned on me.

"You're angry, baby. I always told you I'd refuse to talk to you when you're angry. Hasn't changed. Even if no one else abides by such a sensible policy," I reminded him calmly, closing the car door behind me and leaning on the vehicle instead.

He tensed, visibly making an effort to breathe deeply and stop his raging heart.

"Okay, now what-"

"You're still angry," I repeated, walking up to him and setting a hand on his cheek as I stared at his eyes, waiting patiently.

"Okay. Okay. It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter," he chanted, trying to convince himself.

"Yeah, sugar. It doesn't." My other hand found his face as well without my permission, but I had never had enough control over my emotions as to stop myself.

"Skip first period with me?" he offered hopefully, leaning into my touch as I momentarily closed my eyes to consider.

"Just this once," I gave in, painfully aware of what I had told Eddie the day before.

•••

We sat in the forest, Billy's head lying on my lap as I fiddled with his hair, appreciating it more than ever now that I could see him again. For so long, the most I had seen of him was his silhouette sitting arrogantly in his Camaro, waiting for Max to leave my house in order to drive her home. That was all.

"So, how's Johnathan?" Billy asked lightly as he took a drag on his cigarette.

"You're really trying to make up with me, aren't you?" Considering the amount of time Billy had spent tormenting both me and my friend for our friendship was impressively terrible, I couldn't help being just a tad surprised as the past lay in very stark contrast to asking how he was.

"But I think he's okay. Well, as okay as one can be after that sort of thing happens to your little brother and family and shit," I confessed, snatching the cigarette from his hand and inhaling a breath of deviously calming smoke as well before returning it to his smug self.

"Yeah. I wouldn't mind if Max went missing for a few weeks-"

"Shut your fucking mouth," I snapped, frowning, not finding the insinuation funny at all.

"Okay, sorry, sorry. Didn't mean to upset you," he replied with his hands raised beside his head in surrender.

"It's not about me," I scoffed, hoping upon hope that I meant it. "Max is great, and you treat her like shit. That's what it's about."

He stayed silent, the grin fading from his face at my words as he stared into void air.

"Yeah. I do," he finally admitted, not so much guilt as nostalgia dominating his features. I could've screamed at seeing it. At the reason he had suffered so much. The reason Max had suffered so much. The reason I had. Susan had. Mr. fucking Hargrove.

Except it probably wasn't him. It was probably his father, or his mother, or maybe his aunt. Who knew these things. But that leaves one with the aggravating truth that the act can always be justified, and the culprit can never be served.

"Hey, speaking of blood relatives... How's your father treating you, love?" I asked carefully, stroking the side of his face gently as he closed his eyes.

"Cologne isn't the only make-up I have on. And damn, do I love when you call me that." I didn't answer that. No more than a 'cologne isn't make-up', at least. What was I supposed to say that I hadn't a million times already?

"And your mother?"

"Oh, she left. Max didn't tell you? That was years ago."

"No... I'm sorry," I breathed, but he just shook his head.

"No, I'd leave me, too, if I could. Who wouldn't?" Another way we were the same. And our mothers before that. All the same, sad, motherfucking story.

"That's not fair. You can't say that to me," I whispered, cradling his head in my hands protectively as I stared forward blindly, refusing to look at him.

"Guess not."

He sat up, sitting down next to me as his cologne washed over me in a new wave of serendipity. Too much for comfort.

"Hey, I still love you," he cooed, and the shift in his features was noticeable as he tweaked himself in just the right ways to charm more people. A more general population. Not me. I liked him just as he was.

He cupped my cheek and easily slipped his knee between my legs from the side, insinuating heavily, but I just stared on, empty of myself with a frown on my face.

"Look at me. Please." I did as he asked, but not because I obeyed him - because there was nowhere else I wanted to look anyway. Nothing worth seeing, or am I wrong?

He slowly leaned in, his knee digging further into me as his lips almost touched mine, but that was too far. Too much betrayal to be undone in an hour.

I turned my face away from him again, letting his kiss find my cheek gently instead. He was hurt, it seemed. Well, not as hurt as me.

"Did I even know you?" He wasn't angry. Or desperate. Nothings as primitive as that. He was sad and he was disappointed and he was guilty, but most of all, the doubt was taking the place off the last strands and sparks of hope he had had left.

At least I could say I felt far more guilty. Not that I could have named a single one of my resonating emotions in that specific moment.

"How could you have known me? I don't even know myself," I breathed, the very disbelief and anger I looked down upon sickering through my immature words. I sounded like I hadn't talked in weeks. I felt like someone was screaming into a microphone inside my head, banging against my skull to let them out but there was no door, or at least none I had a key to, and I swore I could hear a threatening buzzing sound. I swore.

"Or maybe that's just it. Maybe you knew me. Maybe it's only me. Maybe every accusation anyone has ever made and every therapist's diagnosis was right. Maybe I just don't wanna accept it. How would I know?" I didn't mean to snap at him. I really didn't. But I hadn't talked to anyone in years, and I suppose that was changing at a high volume.

"Well, have you ever thought... that maybe that's not exclusive? I don't know, but what if it's all true - every image, diagnosis, whatever - but it's just... not the full story? Maybe it's just that there's a whole lot more to you. You surprise me every time. So I guess there's always more. Right?"

Is he just as perfect as he was when I was 17?

And then I snapped out of it. My two lives; Dreamwalking and the anxious realist. Whatever did I prefer? My Piscean or my Aquarian?

Suddenly my fingernails were very interesting, the ones on my right hand picking at the others. The way my muscles moved as they did so. The dry, leaf-covered ground resting about a meter beneath them. They've gotten pretty long. I should cut them again soon.

"Raven?"

I had to look up at him, simply had to. His pretty blue eyes as pure as poetry. Hair falling beside his face like it had been painted with the swift and delicate turns of a painter's tool. Lips that seemed to beg to be kissed, if they could not be watched talking.

And yet I was the one who had just turned him down.

"Maybe," I whispered, suddenly not able to look him in the eye. "Maybe."

"I'm not proud of what I did, y'know. I'm not proud of what I do to Max either, no matter what I say. I just... I have nowhere to show emotion anymore. Nowhere to be me or just... talk without a million lies and charms to make sure the only thing anyone will ever hear from it is 'I wanna fuck you'. That's not- I hate it. I hate it. Not Max. I don't really hate Max. Who could hate Max?"

I smiled sadly, looking back at him, but I wasn't blind. I saw what he was doing.

"No- I, uh. Remember that night when, um, Neil beat me up so bad I was scared to go to school because there was no way to cover it up?"

I nodded intently.

"Yeah, well, when you climbed through my window and held me and used your magic make-up shit on me to make it all look like it wasn't there... I stopped hiding for the very first time in my life apart from with my mother when I was little. It felt really weird. But I never forgot it. But the next day, at school, I got over myself and talked to you no matter what my so-called 'friends' would think of it.

'When I did, you practically whisked me away to that field - y'know, that pretty one up on the hill?"

I nodded again.

"And we talked about all kinds of shit. From how our parents treated us to our favourite bands to fuckin' philosophy. And then we fucked under a tree, on a meadow, and I have never enjoyed sex as much as I did with you that day. Ever. And I still think you're not only the most beautiful girl I've ever met - by far - but also that you have the hottest figure-"

"Okay, I can do without that compliment, hon'", I laughed, and he laughed with me.

"Yeah, I remember", I repeated, stealing his cigarette once again to calm my nerves a bit. "But don't pull your 'you're the only girl who does that or this' crap on me. I'm not a fucking idiot, I know the tricks."

A moment of silence.

"Are you... Did you give up on dope?" he asked carefully. Nothing else other than the final fight had damaged our relationship as much.

I had to laugh. A hollow, dry laugh that I wished hadn't need be.

"Oh, yeah, I gave up on weed a long time ago," I told him with a sarcastic edge. I was still an addict. Just an addict with not enough money.

"Oh. So... I regret my actions, you're not a dope-head anymore... I'd say we're perfect for each other," Billy finalised, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and kissing me on the cheek.

"Hm, yeah, I dunno," I joked, teasingly putting a finger under his chin and leading his face to mine, allowing my lips to ghost his, pulling away and standing.

"Oh, you are still a tease, aren't you?" he squinted at me, disapproving yet smiling.

"Right? Crazy, huh."

"Yeah. Now c'mere, the least you can do is sit close to me."

"Billy Hargrove wants someone to intrude on his personal space?"

"Shut up."

"Sure thing."

2405 words

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Please comment or vote etc :) it makes my day and keeps me motivated

#fanfic #eddie munson #edward munson #fanfiction #stranger things fanfiction #new chapter #soultradefanfic

[cnlalimna]

July 10, 2022

hm i wont lie the past two months have been absolutely shit. like oh my god i cannot face anyone right now because my brain cannot handle it, which is basically how its been. The only person ive talked to consistently is jordan...but even hes been busy so most of the time im kinda just doing my own thing. honestly though it hasnt been bad, i like being on my own and stuff. 

SO! major updates!

i began working at the aquarium of the pacific and thats super cool. i really like it there despite it being super exhausting. I like looking at the animals and interacting with the kids. weird huh!? i like working the later shift because when im working the touch tanks usually theres no people and i can just play with the animals :> here are some pictures

we're going from most recent to least recent btw.

went to LA a good few times! I've been looking and going to my favorite places recently and have been deciding whether or not to bring jordan there when he comes down to visit one day.

I've been to so many baseball games!! two angels games and one AA dodgers game :). baseball is so cool and it makes me so happy but oh my god I can't enjoy it anymore without jordan. like it's fun with my family but it's just different :/ BUT hopefully we can go to some games together eventually.

right after I moved back from college I spent wayyy too much money trying to distract myself from being so fucking sad :[ I got harry tickets and some vinyls.

pack up day for college was super emotional. not to sound mean but I really don't miss anyone other than jordan. I felt so isolated there and like I had no friends so it's hard for me to have those attachments to people who had a complete opposite experience than I did. here are some pictures from the end of the school year

in all honesty the summer has been super lonely but actually I think I'm happier than I've ever been these last couple of years. one major thing I've been feeling though is like just longing ig? in many different ways. I guess I really long for stability and a sense of belonging. I want that happiness you get from being in college. I want to be drunk with my friends under a discoball playing cumbia. I want to be able to see jordan whenever I want. so many wants in my life yet it seems like they're all going to be just out of reach.

jordan says he's gonna try to visit sometime in July. he's told me before that while he's gonna try his best the one thing he can't do is promise me that. he's really fucking sweet for shit like that, but he's absolutely crazy whenever he says that. the drive is almost 400 miles and over 5 hours, to do that shit alone is insane. I would love for him to crash here a few days but given his new job, it would be a waste of time to come down to visit only for a weekend. we like to joke around saying we're on our way to see the other person and everytime it makes me feel a tiny bit happy cause it feels normal and not like we're a good hundred miles apart. and truth is I miss him, like a fuck ton. I think more than I've ever missed a person. I hope soon comes in the near future, I'm filled with naive hope :) only time I'll be willingly naive for a person. I don't expect him to come though if I'm being completely honest, but one can dream hm?

#July #2022

[father-time-and-baby-new-year]

happy 200! i’m so glad to see your blog grow, it’s one of my favorites and i adore all your writing. i’ve never cried so much and i love the kind of unsettling feeling you write in your fics, it’s perfect in the category of yandere and dark content. in particular, i loved your drabble about shigaraki mourning over a dead reader and i’ve reread that one too many times to count haha! as for asks for headcannons and drabbles, it would be amazing to see that with bully!eren especially since he was such an awful person to the reader. i’d love to see him suffer honestly, but if you don’t want to write it, that’s completely fine! once again, i’m so proud of you for hitting 200! that’s such a huge milestone and hopefully, there will be many more in the future! :)

SYNOPSIS: bully!Eren has to navigate the world without you.

Pairing: Bully!Eren x Fem!Reader

A/N: I can't even explain in words how much I CHEESED at this message like my grin was ear to ear. can't explain how many times I read this. It singlehandedly made my day anon, and to repay you for my happiness....here is some angst. this is a slightly different route than the shiggy one but I hope it still suits you <3

TW: mentions of death, past dubcon/noncon, mentions of trauma, bullying, alcohol addiction, drunk driving, abusive behavior, revenge porn, nonconsensual photography/videography, mentions of infidelity, angst, so much of angst, violent behavior

WC: 2.5k

It's not like Eren had been doing a lot of soul-searching. He's not delusional enough to label his half-assed epiphany of "maybe I'm a shitty person" as soul searching.

It's just the conversation with his very sick mother burned holes through the back of his mind. Carla had asked about you and why you don't come by the house anymore. How she missed baking with you in the kitchen, and how you sweetly smiled whenever you would see soft creamy peaks form in the meringue.

Eren felt like he was swallowing needles as he assured his mother with false truths, that nothing was going on and distance between childhood friends is natural, and if it means so much--ok ok he'll bring you over.

He stays until he sees her chest slowly rising and falling into a gentle asleep. He touches the tip of his ears, unsurprised by how hot it was.

Eren, when you tell a lie, the tips of your ears turn red.

You're not at school the next day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that.

Guilt is not an emotion he feels often but the events of the past weekend replay in his mind. It was just a dumb party that Floch threw, and he was surprised to find you cornered by a trio of thee dunderheads. Like a distorted fairytale, he swept you away from the bad guys like a knight in shining armor, to only shove you in an empty room and demand compensation for playing hero.

Fuck, with that big mouth, you would think that you'd know how to suck cock.

Use your tongue stupid slut. If you use teeth, I'll shove this dick in your ass without any prep.

No, I don't care, you're taking all of it.

There's a video on his camera roll. How could he not record it? You're sobbing, mascara running down your cheeks, looking so beautiful and ruined with jizz smeared at the corner of your mouth. He was brutally fucking your mouth, making you take all of his length.

Breathe through your nose dumb whore. Or else you're gonna run out of air.

You were pleading with whatever garbled sounds you were constricted into producing.

Breathe through your fucking nose. This is for your sake. Otherwise, I don't mind face fucking your lifeless body. You'd be more useful that way anyways.

Eren is conflicted with muting the video because he can't stand to hear himself like that. But he didn't want to miss out on your pitiful whines.

He remembers the distraught expression on your face when he was finally done with you. He tucked himself inside, and sneered, "I've got a girl coming here. Get lost." You looked so fucking distraught. Why? All he did was make you suck his dick. He didn't even fuck you.

He should have. Eren thinks grimly when he stares at your empty desk on the first day you didn't show up to school. He's gotten off to the video more than enough times than he can count over the weekend, and he was aching to see your pretty face twisted into a terrorized expression when he flipped up your skirt to grope your ass.

Kindly, Eren decides he'd allow you to have a rest day. But the second day, Eren pays a visit to your house finding it dark and locked, like no one was home and hadn't been there for a while.

On the third day, you're declared missing.

Your incompetent workaholic mother who finally came home and decided to give a damn reported you missing to the authorities who had scratched their heads because as far as they knew, the pivotal 72 hours were up.

Paradis was surrounded by forests. No one wanted to say it, but they were all thinking it. If you got lost in there, chances are you wouldn't make it out.

Eren wasn't always this admired and fawned over. He had his fair share of behavioral issues that frightened people (not you though, not then at least, not when you were children, and you still came back every day to play).

But when he channeled that anger into sports, there was somewhat of a star in the making, especially for some small-town boy. He was becoming extremely popular, and that's nice and all, but at the end of the day, he has a mother whose health was taking a sharp decline. He was constantly under stress, stress that he took out on you.

Where did his favorite stress-ball go?

It's all fucking surreal. Having detectives in the school. Not that there were many students to question (because christ, did you even have any friends after Eren turned everyone against you?).

Eren was questioned. He can't help but mirthfully chuckle. Maybe this was your grand plan, maybe you were able to finally sort out a mountain of evidence against him. If you were going to fuck him over, didn't you want to see it happen with your own two eyes?

The dark-haired boy wishes that was true. If you had gotten your revenge, would you be here? No, revenge isn't the right word. If you got any justice for what he made you suffer, would you come back?

Hi, I'm Detective Hange. I would like to ask you some questions today. You're Eren Yeager, right?

Yes, that's me.

How do you know ___?

We were childhood friends. We're uh, we're not as close anymore.

When was the last time you saw her?

Friday night at Floch's party-

-Floch Forster right? There were a number of kids there from your school.

Yeah. It was a big party. She uh, doesn't usually come to parties but she was there that night.

You were the last person to be seen with her. Other kids have said that they saw you and her entering a room together, and then only her leaving the said room.

[Sigh] Yeah we sorta...hooked up.

I thought you said you guys weren't close anymore.

You can be not close to someone and still hook up with them.

But you guys were close once right?

Yeah. Once.

The dark-haired boy asks if he was under any suspicion. The detective waves their hand in a dismissive gesture, “If her diary tells us anything, it’s only that she really liked you.”

Were detectives even allowed to divulge that sort of information? Eren doesn’t know but the stray detail that they offered off-handedly made him feel like he was swallowing needles.

At that point, Eren honestly still doesn't believe you're gone. You had a habit of running away, even when you were little kids, but you always came back.

Still, he participates in the search parties with a renewed vigor, even going alone in the forest with a flashlight on most nights.

And he's just so fucking tired. The darkest crevice of his mind almost wishes you were dead because this ignorance was just agony. Almost. Because he still clings to the feeling that one day, he’ll stroll into class and find you in your seat in the back of the class, looking out the window like some cliche shojo manga protagonist.

There are folders and folders on his phone. Albums. The most recent one is dedicated to your crying face as you were choking on his dick. Earlier albums are composed of creepshots of your panties, of that obscene o-face, of your skirt flipped up and your ass cheeks, pictures of your cleavage, videos of you thrashing as he dunked your head into toilets like a villainous middle school bully.

Pictures of your neck covered in hickeys, your naked breasts, ass cheeks striped with red after getting spanked, your leaking cunt, just endless and endless media dedicated to pieces and pieces of your body like you were never a whole person.

The earliest ones though tell a different tale, from off-guards to your drooling face as you napped in the middle of the day.

He has a favorite picture. Your eyes are watery from the cold, snowflakes stuck between lashes, nose and cheeks flushed red, and you're smiling. Smiling right to the camera. Right at him.

"Eren, are you taking a picture?" You asked, bouncing in place, giddy that it was finally snowing.

"Not of you, shut up. Get out of the way." His voice is gruff but not harsh.

You laughed and jumped into frame anyway, and the bright streetlamp behind you made you seem like you were wearing a halo.

He wishes he had more pictures of you being...yourself. Because now your crying face displayed over countless pixels haunt him. But like a fucking degenerate, he still jerks off to all the nudes he coerced from you. Sometimes he cries when he's jerking off which is probably the most pathetic thing he's ever done. This is what you've reduced him to.

He hates the sound of his own voice.

Breathe through your fucking nose. This is for your sake. Otherwise, I don't mind face fucking your lifeless body. You'd be more useful that way anyways.

Eren goes through the motions of life without really feeling like he's in the moment. Seasons change and time flies. His mother dies, and his withdrawn father dies a year later. He proposes to Mikasa because it's something he was always supposed to do. She loves him unconditionally, so even when he doesn't put any effort into the relationship but proposes, she says yes hoping he'll change and be a good husband.

He doesn't go to his parents' funerals because they're already dead. What's the point. He doesn't visit the candlelight vigils in your honor either. After tearing his ACL again and a somewhat traumatic injury, he kisses his pro-football career goodbye. To be totally honest, he's relieved. Because he had gotten quite bored, and maybe he was looking for excuses to quit the entire time. It's not like you'd be cheering on the bleachers anyways.

Mikasa has an affair, more out of a desire to see her fiancé feel something for her as opposed to any burning lust. But when she asks him if he's ever cared at all, with tears springing out of her eyes, he's just calmly drinking his fifth of whisky.

The dark-haired man doesn't even look up, "Let's break up."

"Is this about her, huh? Fucking get over it already Eren. She's GONE. And you have some big fucking audacity moping about her death like you weren't making her cry in the bathroom stalls every fucking day you piece of shit."

"Get out."

"You know what, I bet she killed herse-"

SMASH

The dark-haired woman doesn't finish her rant because the whiskey bottle smashes on the wall next to her head, sending glass everywhere and staining the carpet amber. She's unharmed, knowing it wasn't Eren's intention to hit her but Jesus Christ, what a monster.

She packs her bags and leaves the town like she should have a long time ago. All her friends had left years before and she stayed behind because that's where Eren was. She thanks her lucky stars that they didn't marry.

It's funny because he had always imagined himself being the first to move out of their small town, but he's the one staying. He can't leave this place. feels too tethered to ever leave. Every diner and liquor store is saturated with memories of you. He remembers buying cigarettes and exhaling the smoke to your face to piss you off in empty parking lots.

Maybe he stays in case you'll come back.

Eren's days consist of alcohol-fueled hazes. He doesn't know how his liver is still functioning. He doesn't know he's still alive after crashing his car into a tree when he was drunk out of his mind. He was on his way to get some more vodka.

He barely recognizes himself in the mirror anymore, not that he looks at himself much. His hair is long, nestled around his shoulder because he couldn't be bothered to cut it, dark circles under viridian eyes, and a perpetual stubble on his jaw.

His parents had left quite a sizable inheritance so there's no need to work but he's good with his hands. Likes crafting up birdhouses and cabinets, and occasionally does odd jobs around the neighborhood, never charging the elderly.

He's under the sink, tinkering with a wrench against the pipes when he hears the old lady coo at him.

"We're so lucky to have you Eren. I'm surprised a handsome young man like yourself doesn't have a special lady. The girls must be lining up at your door!"

The dark-haired man winces, and offers no comment, knowing that that the older lady was susceptible to long tangents.

"You know, we're getting a new neighbor." Eren grunts as a response. "They're young, I've heard. Isn't that exciting? Oh my, Eren! I think they're gonna be living in the house right next to yours..."

He tunes out the rest of the conversation because doesn't really care. He just hopes his new neighbors are quiet.

It's Sunday noon when obnoxious noises of moving trucks and people wake him up from his deep slumber. Eren's annoyed to wake up despite the fact he's probably been sleeping over 15 hours. He oscillates between getting too much sleep and getting none, his sleeping habits completely dependent on his dreams.

His nightmares are too visceral, visions of your corpse asking him if he'd enjoyed hollowing your soul with his teeth.

His dreams are achingly sweet. You in your prom gown, shining so iridescently like diamonds were sewn into the silk. He's dancing with you, holding you close, and then after you guys go to your favorite diner and gorge on burgers and milkshakes.

There's a peal of distinctly feminine laughter that stirs up Eren's senses. He's so pathetic, was the mere sound of a woman laughing getting him excited?

He sighs. He thinks of the whore he's frequently visited because of her resemblance to you. Hair color, skin color, face shape--with enough alcohol, he could really convince the person beneath him, was you. Maybe it's time to give her a call, but she's gotten so fucking needy and he hated how her voice didn't match yours.

The green-eyed man peers from the lace curtains, irritated by the brats playing on his lawn. A full family next door? Great, just what he needs.

The friendly knock on his door breaks him out of his daze. He contemplates whether he should answer but on the second more muted knock, he lets his feet guide him.

He turns the knob.

And Eren Yeager completely shatters.

Because it's you isn't it? You're the person standing in front of him? He can hear what you're saying but he doesn't really register it, soaking in the cadence of a voice he had long forgotten because all he had were pleading whimpers and frenzied moans stored on his cell.

He's shaking. Is he dreaming? He's dreaming, right? He knows it's you. You're older, far more beautiful than he's ever seen you. You have a different hairstyle, wearing clothes he would have mocked you for, and there's this joyfulness within you that makes you glow.

There's a mess of emotions electrifying in the pits of his stomach from euphoria, anger, and dread. He could feel his skin growing clammy like he was about to vomit at any second.

"Hey, are you all right?"

Doe eyes full of concern peer up at him. He voices out the syllables of your name like a desperate prayer.

You tilt your head to the side, "How do you know my name?"

#eren yeager x reader #bully eren yeager #toxic eren #eren yeager x you #yandere eren x reader #eren jeager x reader #eren x fem!reader #eren yeager x reader fanfiction #attack on titan fanfiction #dubcon tw #tw noncon #tw abuse #tw drinking #tw drunk driving #eren yeager fanfiction #dark content #dark fic #tw trauma #tw depr

[chloe-skywalker]

Why Am I Here? - Darth Vader

Darth Vader x daughter reader

Warnings: none

Word count: 1,612

Summary: Reader gets “”invited”” to spend some time with the Empire. For reasons only Darth Vader knows, but will he tell? Or keep her guessing.

Authors Note: I’ve been thinking of making a whole series with a similar plot. So I’m trying this imagine out see how people like it. If you do and want to see more like this or with a similar plot comment below or say something in a reblog!

P.S. Its my Birthday Month!!!! YAY!

Masterlist

Star Wars Masterlist

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Y/n stood there confused as to why she was here. Nothing about her should interest the Empire. She never given anyone any clues or hints as to if she is with the rebellion.

But yet they came to her senate booth and asked her to come with them. Not that she would have had a choice anyway. When they brought her to a ship, from there they took her to as they put it ‘Where lord Vader is staying’. When the troopers escorted her to a room, they told her this is where she will be staying. In the room was a huge bed, a big bathroom, and a closet. A closet that was full of her own clothes plus some other outfits that were beautiful. But it wasn’t just the closet that had things she owned in it. It was the whole room. There was small things from her room at home scattered all over. All the thoughts in her head stopped once the door opened to reveal the man that had her brought here.

“Why am I here?” Y/n asked with a strong voice. She truly is curious as to why they took her from her home. “Do you talk or are you just gonna stand there?”

Vader just stood there staring at Y/n before asking. “Do you know who I am?”

“Of course I do. Your Darth Vader.EVeryone know who you are.” She nodded, the look in her eyes was very confused as to why he would ask that specific question. But there was another emotion that Vader couldn’t place.

“Is that all you know me as?” he asked trying to get a sense of how to approach why he brought her here.

“Should I know you as more than that?” Y/n tilted her head in more confusion and also now curiousness. What did he mean by that? Should she know him as more?

“You will be staying here awhile. I hope that this room is up to your liking. We’ll talk later.” With that statement, he turned to leave the room. It was obvious to Y/n that that was not the answer he was looking for from her.

“Wait-” Y/n started but he left the room before she could continue. There were more questions running through her head now than there were before he came in.

^      ^       ^

“Lord Vader requests your presence.” A Stormtrooper stated as he entered the quiet room. 

Y/n let out a sigh of annoyance. “You can tell Lord Vader that I decline his request.”

The Stormtrooper left reluctantly. Y/n was sure that was not the answer the trooper wanted. Nor Darth Vader.

After about 20 to 30 minutes the door of her room opened. Low and behold Darth Vader entered the room. Y/n couldn’t help but smirk a tiny bit at the frustration in Darth Vaders walk and demeanor. It was quite comical. “Hello to you too.”

“You declined. What makes you think you are allowed to decline a request from me?” Even though he concealed it well Y/n could tell Darth Vader was frustrated with her previous actions.

“Oh, I know that I’m not supposed to. But it got your attention now didn’t it?” she tilted her head with a smile tugging at her lips.

Vader’s suit let out what could be considered a sigh. “I’m assuming you have something you want to say.”

y/n nodded at his assumption. “I have questions.”

“You may ask them.” he moved to sit on the couch in the room he had provided her. Waiting for her to start asking said questions.

“Why am I here?” Was the first one and most obvious out of Y/n’s mouth.

“I have my reasons.”

“Are they valid for keeping me here without my consent?”

“Yes” Vader nodded

“Can I know the reasons?” Y/n asked to hope that she could get more than another one-worded answer.

“Soon.” he replied, smirking behind the mask.

“What does that mean?” Y/n groaned, this was getting her nowhere.

“You’ll find out soon.” Vader rephrased

“How far is soon?” she rolled her eyes at his vagueness.

“Have a goodnight, y/n.” Darth Vader stated as he got up and headed for the exit.

“Will we talk about this again?” Y/n asked standing up really quickly off the bed. Heading to follow him out the door.

“Soon.” Was the last word that left the Sith as he left, with the door shutting behind him.

“UUUUGGGGHHHHHHH” Y/n screamed, falling back onto the large bed. This was ridiculous. She was getting nowhere. Y/n had a feeling that she was going to e there for a long while. The least he could do was answer some of her questions if he was gonna keep her there. Hopefully, he will tell her more ‘soon’ as he puts it.

^      ^      ^

“You requested me?” Y/n snarked walking into what looked to be Darth Vaders room.

“I’m shocked you came. Your learning.” he seemed to snark back.

“Yeah, sure. Why’d you call me here?” Y/n questioned while switching her weight to one hip, moving her arms to hug around herself.

“Do you know my history?” Vader asked what was a very random question to the young woman.

“What do you mean?” she tilted her head in confusion.

“Before I became Darth Vader.” he elaborated, turning to face her.

Y/n shook her head, casting her eyes down as she answered. “No. i heard it was forbidden to talk about who you were before. So no one does.”

“To some people it is. Most in fact.” Vader agreed with her statement.

“But your gonna tell me?” Y/n’s eyes widened in shock.

“Yes.” It was a simple answer but it scared Y/n. What happens to people who know? That question just kept running through her mind.

“Am I allowed to know?” She asked after letting out a deep breath that was shaky. 

“It’s my story to tell, Y/n.” Darth Vader smiled under his mask at her.

“Right” Y/n let out a light shaky laugh. It was one of their rare moments between them where whatever wall that separated them came down. Which Y/n didn’t know how to feel about. But Vader couldn’t help but feel immensely happy with those moments.

“Before the Empire, I was a Jedi. I didn’t follow the code completely. I was married, in secret to the love of my life. Right before the rise of the Empire, when things changed she was pregnant. I was to be a father. . . . She died in childbirth. Because of me. An I wasn’t there for her. I made a lot of decisions I regret, and that was one of them.” Vader explained, looking solemnly towards the floor as he thought about his past actions.

“What was your name?” Y/n asked once he stopped explaining, Some of the things he had just mentioned sounded very familiar. Her breathing picked up as she waited for his answer. 

Vader decided to make a decision to show her his true face. No one has seen his face other than the Emperor since he turned from Anakin Skywalker to Darth Vader. Once the helmet was off Vader turned to face the young woman, maskless. “I think you know.”

“Oh my-” Y/n gasped moving her hands up to cover her mouth. So many thoughts running through her head. 

“Y/n-”

Y/n held her hand up to stop him from saying more. “You know. You knew the whole time, and didn’t tell me! That's why I’ve been here this whole time. Isn't it!?”

Vader or maybe Anakin, could see how she was starting to feel upset. Betrayed even. But he knows she’s been held in the Empires custody long enough she deserved to know. “Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked with a whimper.

“I wanted us to get to know each other first. Establish a relationship before I told you.” he explained, hoping she would understand. But he knew that it’d still probably take time with her. Over the last couple months they have been getting to know each other, just slowly.

“Well, I do know some stories about Anakin Skywalker. My father.” Y/n spoke after letting some time pass, playing with her fingers nervously, aware that things will forever be  changed.

Vader- or Anakin nodded in understanding. She had put it together and now she knew why he took her and why he’s treating her the way he is. He walked up to her, giving her a small smile. “I know we have a long way to some with our relationship, but I would like to make this work..” Vader softened his stature trying his hardest not to seem intimidating to his daughter. Not wanting to frighten her. “I’ve missed to much of your life up till now. I’m not missing any more of it.”

Y/n looked him in the eyes still not sure about all of this. But something was telling her that he is being truthful, and that she could trust him. He has protected her since she's been there. “Can you tell me more about my mom? And about you, or at least who you use to be?”

“Yeah, sweetheart. I can do that.” He nodded, and couldn’t help how much his smile grew. The fact that she was willing to get to know him made his heart swell. She wanted him to tell her about Padme, he hasn’t been able to talk about her since he lost her. Maybe they could have a slightly normal father daughter relationship.

#star #wars #imagines #imagine #x reader #darth #vader #darth vader #daughter #star wars imagines #star wars imagine #star wars x reader #darth vader x reader #darth vader imagines #darth vader imagine #darth vader x daughter reader #darth vader x daughter!reader #y/n #darth vader daughter imagine #darth vader daughter imagines #anakin #skywalker #anakin skywalker #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker imagines #anakin skywalker imagine #anakin skywalker x daughter reader #anakin skywalker x daughter!reader #lord vader #lord darth vader

[raine-kai]

Contextualizing the Messy AkiHaru Scene

So...it came to my attention that a lot of translations of the scene where Akihiko crashes at Haruki's house in chapter 20 of the manga or the anime movie suggest that nothing happened more than we see in the panels/on the screen.

This is a translation error. The Japanese is unambiguous that a lot happened during the scene break; the art backs this up, in the change to Haruki's hairstyle from before to after the scene break.

Mainly, I want to retranslate for people who are interested, who didn't know that this was a mistranslation. But, I think that no matter how the scene is translated, there are subtexts and undercurrents that are lost, that cannot be simply translated into existence.

So I would like to explain several things in the lead-up to the scene in question, as well as in the aftermath, in order to hopefully give more context.

WARNINGS FOR SPOILERS AND NONCON

Notes on Translation: Given astonished me from its very first chapter with its deliberate and brilliant use of words. It is a story that is so incredibly articulate when it wants to be that moments of wordlessness or fragmented words are equally articulate, for they are crafted with as much deliberation and care as the articulate moments. As anyone knows who has ever tried to translate something, just plain translating the surface meaning of words often leaves a lot of the meaning behind. I will do my best to convey in English what the original text conveyed to me in Japanese, but it will inevitably fall short of the original text.

The Lead-In

First off, let's talk about Akihiko and the particular damage that he brings with him into this scene. He, of course, has the argument with Ugetsu and the fact that he has nowhere to go; but he has also been living this way for two years, presumably only a little longer than he has known Haruki. Akihiko describes the patterns that he and Ugetsu go through:

[Translation: "Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be.]

Later, Akihiko reveals that he has a pattern of dealing with being kicked out of the home he shares with Ugetsu by finding someone, anyone to stay with. He has come to associate these stays as transactions, where the thing that he provides is most often sex. (We also see this transaction-based approach in his relationship with Ugetsu, for whom he feels compelled to cook—a thing that he later continues for Haruki with an urgency that does not match Haruki's easygoing acceptance of this dynamic.)

In fact, we see hints that perhaps Akihiko associates crashing with someone with providing sex to a deeper degree than even he acknowledges, in a scene in volume 1 where he crashed at Haruki's apartment while drunk, and upon stating it would be too much trouble to pull out a futon, did not merely crawl into bed with Haruki, but on top of him.

[Translation: Haru: Akihiko, get a futon and sleep wherever... Aki: Whaaat? But that's so much effort... Haru: So sleep on the....floor....]

So this is a deeply engrained association for Akihiko.

However, it is also a part of his life that he has gone out of his way to conceal from Haruki. From Haruki, he has not merely concealed the many times that he has essentially prostituted himself for a place to sleep; he has also hidden from Haruki that he has any flatmate at all, much less the nature of his relationship with said flatmate.

Haruki has the idea that Akihiko used to sleep around, but does not anymore. He is blinded partly by his own desire to see only the best parts of Akihiko; he is also blinded by Akihiko's desire to only reveal the best parts of himself to Haruki.

In volume 4, we see the moment that Akihiko lets slip that he has a flatmate, and the degree to which this shakes Haruki.

But the more emotional moment for Haruki comes when he realizes that Akihiko is talking to him on the phone while having sex with a woman.

[Translation: "That was a woman.... He was totally having sex."]

No promises have been broken; no trust has been betrayed. But there is an illusion of Akihiko that Haruki has, that Akihiko himself has carefully cultivated over the recent months for a reason that even he cannot explain. It is a paper-thin illusion, that only held up because Akihiko and Haruki both wanted it there.

But now, that illusion is shattering.

This just so happens to overlap with Take suggesting that Haruki take on a support role in his ex-gf's band.

Haruki has struggled from volume 1 with insecurities. He is the band leader; he is the one who brought them together, the one who runs their social media, the one who keeps them in line. Given is a band that absolutely would never have existed without Haruki. Yet he feels outshined by the other three members. There are several scenes depicting Haruki struggling with this. Akihiko is often the one to whom he voices his insecurities, and always without fail sets him straight. There is one particular exchange, during the same conversation when Akihiko reveals that he has a flatmate, when Haruki calls himself ordinary (凡人枠) and Akihiko retorts that he is not, he is 調停者枠....which is difficult to translate, but essentially means mediator, but in this case is denoting that he is the one who brings the different pieces of the band together (both musically, and as a person). Akihiko tells him then, "You're the one that everybody seeks," with a particular look in his eyes even as he reaches for Haruki's face. (Haruki pulls away and Akihiko pulls back and laughs it off.)

But the undercurrent is, for the first time, Haruki is beginning to see the truth of the words that he never quite believed. He is wanted and needed...he just needs to find a way to explain this to the other members of Given. In particular, Akihiko, who has always felt to Haruki like someone on equal or higher footing than himself, despite Haruki himself being older.

And these are the undercurrents at play as we head into the scene in question.

The Crucial Chapters 19-20

Akihiko shows up on Haruki's doorstop in the middle of the night, with an injured face from a fight with Ugetsu.

Haruki lets him in and they start talking as usual....but this time, it's different. They are both just a little bit at odds in a way they have never been before.

Haruki is aware, now, of a facet of Akihiko's life that until recently he had believed was left in the past.

Akihiko perceives that Haruki is hiding something, and in his typical way, immediately wants to know what it is.

This is why, when Akihiko asks his questions and asks if Haruki is hiding something, Haruki snaps back in a way we have never seen him do before:

[Tr: "[I am, but] you're one to talk!"]

Akihiko grabs Haruki by the wrist and asks again, and Haruki tells him...but throws in that the band he is doing support for is his ex's band.

Akihiko responds, "So you're going back to your ex?" and proceeds to crawl on top of Haruki to acknowledge for the first time what has always been unspoken between them: "You're in love with me, yet you're gonna run away?"

As Haruki lies sputtering for a response (he tries to pretend ignorance, but can't finish a sentence, between Akihiko pressing closer and his own shock) Akihiko reaches for Haruki's braid—the hair that Haruki has been growing out for as long as he has known Akihiko, as something like a wish charm (願掛け) for his love; the hair that Akihiko is somewhat obsessed with, taking every opportunity he can to play with it or style it—and speaks words that reveal that he is still fixated on Haruki's ex.

[Full text: 春樹さぁ、元カノがどうとか言ってたけど、お前こんなんで本当に女なんか抱いてたの？

Translation: You talk about this ex-girlfriend, Haruki, but did you seriously have sex with women like this?

Note: the こんなんで/"like this" is beautifully ambiguous. On a surface level of course it is referring to Haruki's long hair—with all the years of pining and love for Akihiko that that implies—but it also draws attention to how they are right now. The fact that Akihiko has crawled on top of Haruki as he has before, and Haruki does not fully push him away. It draws attention to the way that Akihiko himself is so central to Haruki's entire being.]

While Haruki flushes and thinks to himself, "Shut up, shut up! I did have sex with women, before I met you!" Meanwhile, Akihiko kisses him—a kiss that the art carefully does not show us lip-to-lip, either only showing us angles where we cannot see the point of contact, or focusing on the contact of only their tongues. Make no mistake, this is not a romantic kiss. This is a kiss full of frustration and pent up emotions and two years of unspoken, unacknowledged emotion brewing between these two.

Akihiko begins to strip Haruki further, and Haruki interjects, 「え、うそ、うそうそ、待った」(tr: "Wha- wait wait wait, just a sec"), which Akihiko ignores, and proceeds to begin performing oral sex on Haruki, even as he acknowledges internally that his actions are taking out his frustration with Ugetsu on Haruki.

[Note: the words Haruki uses at this point are not clear "Stop" signals. え、うそ、待った are all words that convey shock and uncertainty, and it is noteworthy that Haruki does not at any point use a word that would convey an equivalent of "Stop". That doesn't make this consensual, as his consent has not been obtained, but this is important to note, that Haruki deliberately does not ever outright tell Akihiko to stop.]

This is where Akihiko reflects on his messy relationship with Ugetsu, and the lingering hold it has on him:

Even since Ugetsu and I broke up, we periodically continue to clash. Sometimes it's about the timing at which Ugetsu found a new guy. Sometimes it's just before or after Ugetsu is away for a long time. Sometimes these clashes come suddenly, immediately after we have been intimate for a few days, just like we used to be. Like he is urging me, "Great, here's an opportunity. Let's part ways and break up for real." Like he is shutting me out of his world by force, to reinforce that he doesn't need me. What the hell? If you don't want me, why do you allow me to hold on? If you sympathize with my holding on, why do you try to throw me away? I want to trap you. I want to escape. I want to give up. I can't fully give up. I want to touch you. I can't breathe...

And when Akihiko comes back to the present, some time has past. His shirt is gone, Haruki places a hand over Akihiko's with tears in his eyes, and for the first time, says やめてよ [approx. translation: "Please stop," but this is a very gentle way of saying it—a plea in softer language]....and then continues, そんな顔しないでよ、辛そうな顔しないでよ、なんなの？言ってよ、なんでもしてあげるから [tr: "Please stop looking like that, like you're in such pain...What is it? Please tell me. I would give you anything."]

It is the なんでもしてあげるから here that is utterly striking. @edragoon​ and I debated translations and arrived on "I would give you anything" as the best option, but even with Haruki's soft language leading up to this, even with his words so focused on Akihiko's pain, the sheer love conveyed by these words is heart-wrenching—as is the art, Haruki's hand reaching out to Akihiko's face.

Akihiko has unearthed Haruki's unspoken feeling as part of his self-destructive spiral in a move that he no doubt expected to hurt Haruki, but instead, Haruki has owned up to his no longer hidden feelings and offers all of himself to Akihiko; turns the focus back onto Akihiko and his pain, rather than on himself, as Akihiko probably expected. As no doubt has happened in similar situations with Ugetsu.

And Akihiko, caught between Haruki here and the mess in his heart that is Ugetsu, expresses resentment that these words are coming from Haruki instead of Ugetsu.

"Why did you have to be the one to say that?" Akihiko laments silently, and then out loud,

[tr: "Telling you won't change anything."]

He follows this up with a small, "Sorry," and wonders to himself "Why couldn't it have been you?" (In Japanese, as in English, it is ambiguous whether he is wishing that Haruki were the one he wanted those words from, or that Ugetsu were the one saying those words. The last use of "you" in his internal monologue was directed at Haruki, supporting the first interpretation, but he is also lost in his head, so it would be no surprise if he is swaying back and forth.)

The scene breaks here, and on the next page, Haruki is curled up facing the back of the couch, fully dressed in new clothes and his hair now pulled back in a ponytail, and Akihiko is seated on the floor with his back to the couch, shirtless.

[Tr: "I'm sorry. Truly. I was completely in the wrong."]

Haruki responds, "That's not the part I want an apology for," even as he remembers those damning words, Telling you won't change anything.

[Tr: "...I said I'd give you anything. By the end it was basically consensual."]

Haruki goes on to say Akihiko is free to stay over, but he will be going to a friend's place.

Akihiko visibly panics, but only manages to call Haruki's name once as Haruki tells him he can use anything, can leave the door unlocked, but simply should be gone by morning.

Haruki leaves the apartment, and we see him cry as he walks through the darkened streets as those words Akihiko spoke again.

Left behind, Akihiko berates himself for how much he lets himself lean and depend (甘える) on Haruki, and he reflects on the events with his family and Ugetsu that lead him to where he is, without anywhere else to go. [NOTE: this is no doubt a significant factor in his later decision to move out of Haruki's apartment once as he goes through the process of bettering himself.] He contemplates the ways in which he has behaved towards Haruki, the parts of his own life he has almost instinctively hidden from his view.

Akihiko spends the night on the floor by the couch. (A shot of the clock at one point tells us it is 1:20am.)

We see morning dawn, and it is as Take is at work discussing lunch break that he gets a text from Akihiko, asking if he's seen Haruki. It is in the evening, when Take goes home, that he finds Haruki listless and hollow-eyed in front of his apartment.

The clock reads 9:40pm when Haruki comes home at last. Apart from the few hours he was with Take, Haruki has spent the better part of a night and a day alone who knows where.

[Tr: "Oh, you're still here"]

The hair that Akihiko had adored, the hair that Haruki had been growing since the day he met and fell for Akihiko, is cut short.

The Aftermath

The two of them don't shy away from the subtext of the last day—especially Haruki, who says blandly, "Sorry, but I'm tired after your rejection of my feelings, as you can see. Please go home." And when Akihiko tries to reach for him with a, "Wait, but—" his hand his slapped away by Haruki, who informs him, "Look, I'm angry at you." and cuts off Akihiko's attempted apology one syllable in with an admonishment that an apology will only make him angrier.

But Akihiko says what he should have said the night before—that he is at the end of his rope and has nowhere to go. He quietly asks to be permitted to stay in Haruki's apartment, assuring him that he will sleep on the floor, that he will not do anything again. He begs for Haruki to help him.

Haruki is furious.

「サイアク」the narration repeats: "[This/he] is the worst."

At last, Haruki agrees, but with the words, "If you weren't a band member, I'd throw you out."

The next day at band practice, Akihiko and Haruki are wildly out of sync, and while Haruki puts on a carefree smile for Uenoyama and Mafuyu, he is still spiraling with despair and humiliation.

And yet Akihiko too is on pins and needles, reacting with abject (though silent) horror when Uenoyama asks Haruki what's wrong.

But Haruki tells Uenoyama and Mafuyu nothing, and when he walks off and Akihiko goes after him, the words that come out of his mouth are all about his insecurities about his place in the band. About how he is too ordinary and does not belong in such a band of geniuses.

This is not what Akihiko was expecting his outburst to be about; this is also familiar territory for him, that he knows how to handle. Akihiko knows music.

He assures Haruki of why his music was off today, as he would have any other day. He assures Haruki that he is utterly deserving of his place in their band, as he has so many times before.

[Tr: "I've pretty much always told you that you're necessary, haven't I!?"]

And all at once, memories come rushing back to Haruki of so many times that Akihiko has told him of his value.

Haruki's anger loses its momentum and he deflates. They had back to Haruki's apartment, with Akihiko promising to cook dinner, as he is the freeloader. (Another nod to his tendency to view these arrangements as transactional.)

Living together proves a disillusionment process for Haruki. Of course, the night that Akihiko first came to his apartment was the enormous catalyst, but the disillusionment process continues.

All of those ways in which he had formerly idealized Akihiko crumble one after another for Haruki as they live together. Akihiko cooks, but he only has one flavor profile, and often makes fried rice. Akihiko spends most of his days on music, be it violin or the drums, and it is louder than Haruki is used to with his bass—it is also evidence that Akihiko is the musician he is because he puts in the work, not just inherent talent.

...And that brings us to the end of volume 4, so I think I shall stop here!

If you read all this way, thank you, and I hope this added something positive to your day!

#akihiko x haruki #akihiko kaji #Given #haruki nakayama #haruki's hair #Given meta #meta #秋春 #ギヴン #中山春樹 #梶秋彦 #Given vol 4 #This is my otp #nobody proofread this meta #I really hope there are no typos #i am brain empty only akiharu