#but i guess they speak for themselves | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mllenugget · 4 months

Text

Hello I mcyt fandom-ified la Team du Lundi members and wrote a shit ton of text about it

After exhausting myself on trying to catch up on the current QSMP lore I got a sudden craving for a more familiar and fast paced kind of minecraft content and ended up rewatching all the Team du Lundi's SMP best of's I could find

And while doing so with my brain still hazed in fandom brainrot, I started picking up on minor details or info the players casually dropped, and drew parallels to the French speakers' QSMP counterparts This is going to be a long wordy post I don't even know what I am rambling about and for. Three things you need to be aware of about la Team du Lundi before reading :

Baghera, Antoine and Etoiles are the only QSMP players that are part of la Team du Lundi

As far as I remember the only two elements that suggest that la Team du Lundi's SMP could be canon to QSMP are Antoine being pressured into building another Tower of Shit, and Baghera's infamous fountain being mentioned when she was asked if her character remembers anything from her past before the island

La Team du Lundi's SMP was NOT a roleplaying server, it was just a private survival server for a small circle of friends casually playing together. So whenever I quote someone in this specific post, it is the streamer : there is no character other than the persona the streamer is usually showing on stream, but I just thought it would be fun to interpret certain situations while keeping in mind the QSMP lore. And here goes :

Baghera claims that when she was a kid she strongly believed that she could breathe underwater. The others joke about her having fins

Antoine jokingly tells Baghera he doesn’t need oxygen at all

Antoine claims he will still be alive thousands of years forwards

Antoine’s voice shifts when he wants to appear creepy

Baghera built an aquarium at her place, then helped Antoine build one at his tower, then built a giant swimming pool, then a fountain, then a waterslide- do you see a theme ?

Baghera knows that her skin is actually that of a chick and not a duckling, and calls it so here

Chat said that Baghera has a middle child syndrome, justifying that she bullies Angle Droit because Etoiles bullies her in the first place (Etoiles has also called her « little sister » in a derogatory way)

Etoiles has repeatedly asked people to play Valorant with him at least once

Here's a clip of Etoiles getting languaged in french and owing "a gifted sub in the swear jar"

Unrelated random clip of Etoiles because it creates happy hormones in me brain

Etoiles is regularly refered to as "the warrior"

Etoiles guided the whole group during an expedition to the End and he was literally glowing doing so (enchanted arrows effect) Everyone called him "the guide"

Baghera was the one who gave the final blow to the Enderdragon (and died from magic right after)

Etoiles spent most of his time adventuring in order to bring stuff and gear back to everyone for their builds

Etoiles asked Aypierre for help in order to design a redstone door for his cave which could only open upon solving a puzzle (which was egg & arrow related) (Aypierre was not a member of the server)

Etoiles built a nightclub with the walls and ceiling covered in wardenblocks making it look like a starry sky. He also rehomed Allays holding golden apples inside claiming them to be the souls working for him and that they lived there peacefuly

Etoiles jokingly talks about Antoine acting jealous and violent towards him because Etoiles told him he wanted to go and visit Kameto (who also was not a member of the server)

Baghera (along with Horty) had a rivalry with Joueur du Grenier (host of the server with admin powers) after he decided to build a massive parking lot right next to their house. They countered by covering the whole thing with dirt, followed by JDG building a factory and the two parties went back and forth. Baghera argued that it was stupid because they didnt even have cars to begin with (which is a sentence she reused when talking about Forever's roads) Also she tells JDG that he could've built a seaport instead, which makes JDG contemplate the thought of building an airport (and though he ended up never building it, I am side eyeing the French's plane crash)

At some point JDG wonders about what a roleplaying minecraft server would look like (RPZ 2), to which Baghera replies that she has a hard time picturing the thing "We'd all just build things you see ? I don't think we'd create stories, we would all just be like "I'm a builder, ah you too ? Well awesome, builders, cool"" and I find this to be hilariously ironic (fun fact : Baghera had no idea that QSMP was a roleplaying server when she first joined and often claims she would've taken a different approach with her character had she known right off the gate)

As I was finishing to write this down, these fuckers (/lh) decided to host a closure night for the server as they've never really officially did it, everyone just sort of deserted the server after a while. Baghera, Etoiles and Antoine kept referring to QSMP throughout the night, mostly talking about how weird it felt without mods. Among other meta commentary things

They mentionned Cellbit and Bad multiple times as the group was trying to solve enigmas. Antoine talked about "the cultural sharing" between communities as he taught insults to each others with Mike, Roier and Maximus in their respective languages Multiple more players were namedropped (including eggs) while Antoine was talking about how the server functions

Yes, Baghera and Etoiles kept their QSMP skins. Etoiles with his code corrupted purgatory one, and Baghera with her fading pink disheveled hair (with the addition of her cubito wearing Horty's merch)

Baghera admits that going back to this small familiar vanilla server feels like coming back home to your family during the holidays

Team du Lundi's cameos in QSMP :

Though Pomme has never canonically met JDG (even though most of her parents have talked about him to her at least once), she occasionaly breaks the 4th wall to refer to him. She once compared one of BBH's "vacation" flower shirts with his, and when Foolish and Bad asked her to elaborate (obviously not getting the reference) she proceeded to play JDG's music theme with the flute instead (Also I really feel the need to once more point out how mindblowing it is for your average french speaking viewer to have JDG's intro theme being added to the mod they use in the QSMP because of how anchored it is within french internet pop culture. Like this shit has been existing for 14 fucking years, it's part of the childhood of a lot of us, so to find a clip of British hardcore player Philza peacefuly listening to Mexican egg admin Tallulah play this theme on her flute feels like a multiverse fever dream)

Horty has been on Quesadilla Island through cc!Baghera's account, but neither of them really wanted to justify it RP wise. Baghera just wanted to give her best friend a tour of the island. Horty only got to meet Richarlyson who gave her a tour of Cellbit's castle and made her pick a room (she chose Chaos). She also chatted with Etoiles who tagged along for a bit and (this is obviously justified by it being a one-shot out of roleplay filler episode kind of night) they both already knew each other and were on friendly enough terms to bicker with one another Also she was part of the French speakers Quackity reached out to to invite on the server, but she had to decline because she was very busy at that time (and also not interested) Also also she was Baghera's teammate for that Formula 4 event, and Baghera has discussed it and showed pictures to a couple of islanders, including Richas who was very hyped about it

Another player the viewers were hoping to see on Quackity's server is Mynthos. He exists within the server with the picture of him that hangs in Pomme's art gallery, the cursed animation video that used to play in La France, as well as with Aypierre's health potion factory that bears his name

Angle Droit and Zerator are sometimes namedropped when the French speakers talk with their chat. Angle Droit frequently raids Baghera's and Antoine's streams, and though it has never been confirmed, a lot of viewers theorized that she was the +1 player Baghera and Etoiles wanted to invite on the server had they won the elections.

As for Zera, Etoiles went AFK on QSMP a couple of times in order to test some of Zerator's TrackMania maps (which he later discussed with Pac). I also remember a very trivial conversation Etoiles had with Mouse and Aypierre where he laughed about hurting his back very badly after carrying a fellow streamer during a caritative event, said event was hosted by Zerator (he's also the one judging them with concern from his desk)

I'm done.

Bonus alternative design for Angle Droit because at first I thought she was a fox then it turned out she was a corgi but then she changed it again to a fox and woop

#I wrote down a whole other post just as long as this one to explain my individual thought process behind each designs #Took me weeks to write- had a couple of clips to back up my headcanons #but then I was reading the post again checking for mistakes before realizing #yo just #that is so many words and for what #just let your designs speak for themselves hey trust yourself let there be room for interpretation #if people turn out to be curious well i guess thats what ask box was created for leave it be thats enough #(not) fun fact : I drew those Baghera Etoiles & Antoine designs back in june and the files got corrupted and I lost a week worth of work #if we are mutuals on discord youve mightve heard me whine about this one #mcyt #team du lundi #qsmp #angle droit #hortyunderscore #baghera jones #zerator #etoiles #mynthos #joueur du grenier #antoine daniel #serveur du lundi #my art

248 notes · View notes

sciderman · 29 days

Note

I swear I have read your big post regarding Peter Parker's neurodivergence and why it is best to avoid labelling him, but he definitely has a weird brain

Can't find it and feel kinda sad about it cuz I deeply related to it

i know exactly which post you're talking about and i can't find it either! i've raked through my archive, and it's just - nowhere to be seen. i think tumblr eated it (it happens.)

really, tumblr's search functionality is so so useless, i don't know what to tell you. there are plenty of keywords i can search to find it that post, but the search functionality actually just does not work!

undiagnosed audhd-addled peter parker, my darling, my light, my life, my everything.

i think peter parker's such an interesting creature to write, because a lot of people will point to a certain behaviour about him and say "this is an autistic thing, right?" but a lot of those behaviours are actually, in my head, tied to certain traumas in peter's life too.

people say "oh, the food thing, peter's a picky eater because he's autistic" and yes, absolutely. but also it's tied to his trauma with his parents.

peter gets overstimulated, and yes, it's an autism thing, but also he was bitten by a radioactive spider and his senses are dialled to 11.

it's a similar case i've found for myself, too – where a lot of friends i have kind of diagnose me because i have autistic traits, but actually - i'm hesitant to claim the label or pursue diagnosis because, actually, i know where these certain behaviours come from, and they come from certain traumas. there are events i can pinpoint in my life and say "yep. that's where this behaviour comes from."

so - i think there's a lot of overlap between trauma and autistic traits. the brain is very complex! i think the reason for that overlap is maybe as simple as the fact that people with autism and people with trauma are both doing the same thing - developing behaviours to protect themselves or soothe themselves. so - i think it's nice to be able to see a character like peter parker, who may or may not be autistic, but recognise behaviours in him and see yourself in him.

people who go undiagnosed for whatever reason - people who are really good at masking - so good, in fact, that they have no idea they might be on the spectrum - everyone and anyone at all can look at peter parker and recognise themselves. because i think we discredit the thought that every single brain does the same thing! develops certain behaviours in order to survive. every brain has that same software - we've just all been faced with different hardships that we need to overcome, and that's were all the differences come in.

autism is a spectrum, i guess - everyone falls into it to some degree. and i think events in your life probably push you along on it. but i don't know, i didn't study brain science. probably what i'm saying is very stupid and uninformed. of course there's brain chemistry involved. but i know people in my life living with autism and certain events in their life have exacerbated certain behaviours or made coping with it a lot more difficult. so maybe trauma is a catalyst.

#a lot of my traits have been exacerbated lately and i remember it was much easier for me before #and some of my friends have said “oh it's because you've been masking too long and now you're facing autistic burnout.”#and that made sense to me i think.#but then i found out about the stress thing. me overproducing stress hormone. and that's a very physical thing.#and that explains why i've been overstimulated more than usual lately. and why everything feels like too much.#and i wonder how many of these traits of mine are going to subside once i have lamar removed #and it makes me wonder a lot of things. and it's so weird how much your brain is tied to your biology.#i wonder how much i'll change. i wonder how i'll feel. i wonder if i'll still feel like me. i wonder how much me is me right now.#and how much of me is being altered by weird freaky hormones. who am i?? who will i be??#i'm almost looking at this as like. a superhero origin story of some sort. like this is my spider-bite moment. maybe.#will i be different? will i cope with things differently?? now that my body isn't fighting something anymore??#maybe i'll be normal. i don't know. i don't know.#i don't know what it'll mean for me.#but all of these things mean i relate to peter parker in a certain kind of way #i don't think you have to be diagnosed with autism to recognise and empathise with those traits i think #i think everyone can see themselves in peter. and i think that's the benefit of having characters that aren't diagnosed.#because there's so much overlap in the human experience. and certain feelings aren't exclusive to just one group of people.#peter has such a rich identity actually. it's an autistic thing. it's a queer thing. it's a jewish thing. it's a trauma thing.#there are so many overlapping parts of peter's identity that inform who he is and how he behaves and it's never just one thing.#it's a product of all of his things.#just like me! just like everyone.#so me? i guess i can be a million things. you can explain what i am in a million different ways.#a hundred different psychologists can all come up with different ways to explain why i be the way i be.#i don't think it's something that can be simplified.#sorry wow. i'm really going off here in the tags.#i hope people don't think i'm stupid. i don't know brain science. i'm just philosophising as usual.#sci speaks

58 notes · View notes

liquidstar · 1 month

Text

and now for something stupid

#but really i also just wanted to play around w this sort of coloring style bc its been FOREVER since ive used it #and i think i can make it look better now #AND i think i can make more sillay stuff like this and not have it take as long w cleaning up lines #anyway now you all understand the terrible dynamic between these three #phobo's infodump text is just copypasted from the wikipedia page for knives.#julliet ALSO uses knives is the thing so hes actually mansplaining < JOKE #he just wants to share. even if it gives her a headache. but he wouldnt mansplain he doesnt have it in him. hes ok with felonies tho #but julis life hasnt known peace since she was told to take care of the newbies #and shes ALSO a newbie (just slightly less so) so really this is probably just tartarus hazing her #theyd take one look at the two disorganized unserious overeager newbies and think ''you know what would be fucking hilarious''#and pass them onto the neurotic slightly-less-newbie who takes everything as seriously as possible. disaster combination.#i cannot stress enough that this is a group of bandits and murderers theyre NOT above hazing.#deimos actually is doing the best job at it since he is stealing as we speak #i mean hes not supposed to do it to his teammates but still. on the right track #as for the dynamic between deimos and phobos themselves its like. theyre just bros. theyre both pretty similar in personality #except deimos is kinda more mean and cynical while phobos can be kinda. dense and naive despite literally where hes at in life #but most of the time theyre basically beavis and butthead #i would also like to stress that juli is not being homophobic she just already cannot stand these guys and cant believe the audacity #but. complete misunderstanding. karma for stealing wallets ig #this will never be cleared up by anyone ever #but again thats not their dynamic they are just beavis and butthead. and i guess that makes juli daria LOL #finn's ocs #finn's art

32 notes · View notes

blujayonthewing · 1 year

Text

if a human asks a gnome when gnomes reach adulthood, they'll probably pin it somewhere between 20 and 40, depending on how they're interpreting the question; if an elf asks, they'll say "oh, we don't"

#speaking of 'getting mad because people don't meaningfully engage with fantasy lifespans'#EVERYONE overlooks the cultural nuance in dnd that elves are /physically/ mature not much later than humans #but are not considered an adult until some self-declared point of maturity usually around the age of 100 #that is. DIFFERENT. than 'a 50 year old elf is basically a literal child' no it ISN'T! it's a CULTURAL RECOGNITION #elves don't think it's possible for humans to mature into a really meaningful adulthood because they literally don't live long enough #'poor things have to settle down and work and marry and have children and die before they can even figure themselves out :/'#gnomes don't subscribe to this because of course they don't it's a cultural viewpoint but also they largely think it's stupid #oh yeah? you're all done growing up after 100 years? nothing left to learn about yourself as a person?#you Become An Adult when you're Wise And Mature which is a single static thing that happens in the first 1/6th of your life?#wow amazing it must be cool to be so enlightened 🙄#... I need a general worldbuilding musing tag agsjkfdhsj #I guess for now #gnome thoughts #it's almost entirely elf thoughts but that's my only relevant established tag :'D #gnome stuff

299 notes · View notes

theboombutton · 6 months

Text

Hayward is gonna die.

Carpenter is gonna die too, of course, but that's so thoroughly foreshadowed that I'm not sure it still counts as foreshadowing. Like, she's literally being followed around by the god of seeing your own death coming. And Paige might well die - she's certainly ready for it, after so long dreaming under the influence of toxic faith. And Faulkner had better fucking die, because the level of downer ending it would be for him to survive all this would be brutal.

But Hayward's imminent death is different. Hayward has become the party cinnamon roll, and so he's going to die not because it would be a satisfying or fitting end to his story, but because it will twist the fucking knife for the others when he does.

I can't wait.

#tsv #the silt verses #tsv 34 #i think #tsv spoilers #i mean it's mostly vague but i guess for anyone who's still in season 1 the cairn maiden would be a spoiler #also great sfx as always #i think the sky saint was some kind of gigantic bat?#i would have loved a season one style description for the body horror #but i also love the immersive feeling of just. letting the sounds speak for themselves

44 notes · View notes

lyriumlullaby-ao3 · 6 months

Text

god they really did do Justice kinda dirty in da2, huh

#antares speaks #no listen!! hear me out #i LOVE the character choice to have him join with Anders i think it’s perfect #i just wish they’d let him be his own character still more than just like… Anders’ understudy :/#he’s so interesting and tbh i wish you heard him and Anders speak to each other out loud!!!!#but of course they weren’t going to do that 😒😒#can’t be seen to be showing humanity to ppl who talk to themselves or… idk how to talk about this right bc i don’t know very much about it #so forgive me if my language is clumsy!!#but like some people have more than one personality or ‘voice’ i guess in their heads and that’s totally cool and we COULD let it be normal #just give me Anders AND Justice as distinct(ish) entities even even they get confused about who’s who!!#let me interact more w Justice!!! he’s in there even when Anders is being Normal:tm: and he could have been his own character still!!!!#give me back my friend okay :c #anders dragon age #justice dragon age #dragon age 2 #dragon age awakening #i’m playing awakening again and i’m having SOOOO many anders + justice feels :((( 💔💖✨#okay sorry for giving a ted talk in the tags. it will happen again lol

22 notes · View notes

anotherpapercut · 8 months

Text

literally so funny how internet leftists will be like "ummm actually using drugs is bad and evil and destroying society (I know bc the us govt and/or some random conspiracy theorist told me so 😌) and anyone who thinks we should end the stigma around drug use and try to make it safer for users is actually just trying to destroy America" but then they'll also turn right around and go "don't forget to take your meds!!! remember if you can't make your own dopamine store bought is fine ❤️. end the stigma around needing lifelong medication!!!"

like girl are you somehow laboring under the delusion that like xanax is safer and more effective at treating mental illness than LSD or ketamine or even like MDMA bc boy do I have some news for you

#this is us focused bc thats where i live and where i have encountered drug culture #i am sure similar or even the same dynamics exist elsewhere but since i dont know the nuances ill let them speak for themselves #like imagine thinking doctors are more trustworthy than ur average street dealer 😐 could NOT be me #dealers i know would never just prescribe incredibly dangerous drugs at dangerous doses on such a mass scale #that sanctions actually have to be placed on them which prevent them from PRESCRIBING MEDS TO PEOPLE #i just dont have the us medical system boot lodged inside my throat i guess #bitches will be like 'im really concerned about your weed intake' and not say a damn word abt my Klonopin which is FAR more dangerous #benzo withdrawals are no fucking joke. you can die if you do it wrong. the 'withdrawals' people report w weed are literally just like.#irritability and nausea. which in every person ive ever met was not actually withdrawals but just a result if them being stressed #bc they were no longer using weed to relax lmfao. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ whatever tho yall just keep on trustin Mr. Richard Nixon #anyway if ur depressed pop a molly. i have never felt happiness like molly happiness

21 notes · View notes

blowflyfag · 23 days

Text

Huh. Wonder what Tumblr’s trying to tell me.

#gods most predictable man #what’s my tumblr tryin to say huh #??#Eris speaks #divine comedy I guess idk #the jokes write themselves

6 notes · View notes

inkysqueed · 7 months

Text

brainstorming (more like daydreaming) what secret herbs and spices i will put into my ocs this time

#squeed speaks #Not just my tes ocs but in general #I don't hate my ocs and i don't think they're bad #I just also want them to be the best version of themselves. Whatever the present me thinks that is i guess haha #But for my tes ocs specifically it is definitely a wait game for when i get a working pc again #I love my old samsung chromebook even without the ability to game but she is really starting to show her age

17 notes · View notes

dr3amofagame · 3 months

Note

c!Tommy has no one to blame but himself for his exile and I took pleasure in every moment of it

booo. exile takes are so boring dorry i have no sympathies

#i mean obviously he's hugely to blame for being exiled but technically speaking it was decided by a twitter poll lol #also c!dream was obviously pushing for it #and also the actual events of exile themselves were still u know overkill and abusive and that's kind of the point #good for ur c!tommy haterisms i guess but this aint the place for them lmao #my asks !!#dsmp hot takes

7 notes · View notes

kobochajunkbox · 1 year

Photo

Midnight Mass, directed by Mike Flanagan (2021).

#midnight mass #screenshots #cinemotography #mike flanagan #netflix #netflix original #my screenshots #MM mass is such a pretty show~ I took a fair amount of screenshots on my second watch of it a while back-#thought it might be nice to post a few~ add a little to the tag hehe #I wanted to put a cool snappy quote but couldn't settle on one bhgrhtg I'll just let the pics speak for themselves I guess jbhfb

65 notes · View notes

goldensunset · 6 months

Text

k tbh i get the sentiment of 'why should people donate to tumblr to keep it alive when they won't donate to the millions of mutual aid posts floating around' i really do but sometimes i wonder if people making these kinds of posts are making up a guy to get mad at. yes there are a lot of people around you excitedly showing off their badges and checkmarks and yes there are a lot of followers of yours who aren't donating to your post for any given reason but are you absolutely sure those people are the same. because i suspect they aren't tbh. and if you have proof that they are and it's that deep of a cut then just like block them so they aren't allowed to enjoy your page anymore or something tbh. unless you really think vagueblogging angrily about them is going to work. but again these sorts of people probably are not that common most of your followers would probably love to help you if they could

#to be clear i'm neither advocating for or against donating to websites like that #bc we all do love using these sites #but i do question if tumblr is even financially smart enough to use money for anything good tbh #i personally would never donate to a site bc i think there are much better uses of money #ethically speaking #but it doesn't have to be treated as a great evil #but that isn't the point #i guess what i'm saying is. your followers are probably all either also poor #or would never dream of giving a website cash themselves #maybe it's dumb of me to say but i think i have more optimism in humanity than that #at least among the tumblr demographic

12 notes · View notes

itspileofgoodthings · 10 months

Text

me like “men are so scared of ME” turns out I’m the one afraid of them.

#lol #I mean actually I’m not #but I am scared of being vulnerable with them #and that’s just the simple truth #I am not scared of THEM per se #as I keep joking (maybe inappropriately idk) I’m one convent visit away from never speaking to another one again #anyway I just have been realizing more and more that I love to hide behind the narrative that like. no one ever approaches me #and I’m the anti Helen of Troy #and there’s some truth to that!#most men aren’t going to like what they find (romantically speaking) in me and I know that before they speak to me #but I love to be like ‘when will someone straightforwardly express their interest in me. guess it will never be me boo-hoo’#and it’s like. Maria. they have. not in droves! ain’t nobody shooting themselves in the street for me #to paraphrase my fair lady #but it’s happened!!! on more than one occasion!!! and looking back the signs are unmistakable #and my impenetrable wall of blindness has protected me from admitting that that has ever happened to me #anyway #lots of reflecting

14 notes · View notes

trans-cuchulainn · 1 year

Text

having complex feelings about gender stuff recently but i don't really know how to put it into words. some of it is about the self-erasure that becomes necessary when you try and talk about medical misogyny you've experienced as someone who isn't a woman but who is perceived by the world as one. some of it is about no longer feeling connected to female-centred stories of a kind you used to enjoy as a teenager because they always feel alienating but also not liking your own emotions about that because you should be able to enjoy stories that weren't written for you, it's just that they don't feel like stories that even allow space for you to exist in. but shouldn't men be able to enjoy women's stories too? but you're not a man. but you're not a woman. but the stories are about and for people who look like you but you're not one of them. but you would have been them if you lived in those worlds because nobody would have seen a difference, and that's viscerally uncomfortable, and impossible to enjoy--

and some of it is about looking for stories you could exist in and only finding stories that are profoundly unrelatable because they're only ever about characters who knew they were trans since puberty and had access to transition care in their teens and you didn't figure it out until adulthood and also that's not legally available in your country so that would never have been on the cards in the first place. or people who figured it out in adulthood but they're so certain and they're so ready to take risks and they'll change the world for a chance to become themselves because they know what they're aiming for. some of it is not being sure what you want but knowing you'll always have to be certain about it enough to fight for it because you're not going to get it any other way. some of it is not wanting to be an activist, not wanting to agitate, not wanting to have to resist every goddamn second bc you're just trying to exist in the world, but the only way anyone will ever give you a modicum of what you need is if you put all your energy into the struggle for it--

some of it is about feeling an ongoing tether to the experience of being a woman in a bad way but no tether to the experience in a good way and there's a weird kind of mourning in that, and a self denial, and an inability to reconcile your own contradictions in a way that feels comfortable. some of it is about feeling pressure to experience gender differently and to opt in to something else if you're going to opt out of what you were given but you don't want to do that either. and a lot of it is constantly self-policing your own emotions and thoughts and being convinced you're doing it all wrong somehow because you see other people being so free with their genderfuck, so unencumbered by expectations, so easily able to get it right for themselves and other people, and you're still misgendering yourself half the time in your mind because you don't even know what the right words would be at this point when you still have scars shaped like being a girl even though you're not a girl and you can't talk about them without doing yourself another piece of damage

like. i am who i am because i was thought a girl and maybe because i thought i was a girl and maybe i still don't understand why i'm not a girl but in my not-girlness i no longer feel i have any access to any kind of womanhood that doesn't hurt but i don't want to police myself out of femininity just because it isn't all that i am anymore

#spending too much time in spaces that are dominated by women and still treat womanhood as marginalised within that space #if you try to point out that as a transmasculine person you have no voice you are treated as an invading man #but nobody has ever seen me as a man. probably nobody will ever see me as a man. i do not have a man's privileges or advantages here.#and yet.#i don't know how to talk about any of this because i don't know what i'm trying to say #only that it feels sometimes like i would be more welcome in 'diverse' spaces if i were a woman #but it is the very fact that i am not a woman which is marginalising me the most a lot of the time #especially at the moment with all the violent media rhetoric and legislation #and when comparatively privileged cis abled white women are congratulating themselves on the diversity of their communities #and trans disabled people can't gain access to them. well.#(and not to mention PoC but that's not my place to speak from)#and then medical stuff. i have tried to talk about how i was misdiagnosed and ignored as a teenager #and people have literally to my face told me that's part of being a girl/woman #as if i hadn't just told them i'm trans. i'm not a girl just because i suffered from medical misogyny #don't add your violence on top of what was already done to me you absolute fucker #the only thing i share with women is the bad parts of how the world has treated me. i guess that's what i'm getting at #and that's a shitty thing to share and i don't want it anymore #personal #gender fuckery

28 notes · View notes