Maybe something silly I could do is dig up all the old sketches I've done for this story and try and redraw them (this one is from 2020)
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witness The Blessed 4000 Defense aventurine with the shittiest kicks money can buy
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just for funsies, heres the original version of my piece for caroline appreciation day. i ended up not liking the colors and the shading so i redid it last minute.
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🎧🖤
I used my Track 2 playlist and got The Wanted
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An Elegy on the Death of A Child
There was a time where
he laughed loudly, bright
And unabashed there
Roaming forests, voice alight
Singing freely and passion flared
he grew in time with Spring’s green saplings
Buds of selfhood blossoming
How quickly he choked upon the frost
How quickly that childhood spark was lost
Voice breaking and song fracturing
The towering pines weep their needles
falling on his little form
blanketing his meek remains
floating in his pooling pains
Ice entrapping him - forlorn
within his deep, forgotten tomb
his tiny fingers clutch his soul
Before he crumpled under fear
He cried and stumbled unafraid
He made mistakes and shed his tears
boldly, blissfully unashamed
When Spring still sang it's jaunty tune
His voice was strong, unwavering
Without worry that his words would turn
and twist and make his stomach churn
from Winter’s windy, roaring croon
He could still trust himself to begin
For years his body sat and stewed
in fear’s rancid and rotten broth
he marinated in guilt’s sour brew
Forgotten in some toxic trough
Murdered, silenced, beaten down
Until his breath was soft and slight
Unbridled joy that he had known
Stifled under her icy fright
But now and then I hear his voice
Whispering as wind through leaves
I feel his small hand holding mine
Telling me that I can shine
Offering that fearless choice
of blossoming through Winter’s freeze
I’m not yet strong enough to go
and dig him from that darkened place
But someday I’ll reach through the snow
past the guilt and shame and blight
to embrace myself and walk alight
with His earnest smile on my face
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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.
you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.
you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.
don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.
if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.
you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:
how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!
aren't you happy yet?
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