#okay i wrote that at 3000 notes but what the FUCK is happening

[the-nefarious-vampire]

as an aroace, im particularly dangerous, because i wont fuck or marry. i only know how to kill.

#aroace #aromantic #asexual #asexuality #ace #aro #im so glad you guys are enjoying this stupid post i made at work #okay i wrote that at 3000 notes but what the FUCK is happening #10000 notes on this no effort fmk post and not one aspec i know irl #dgmw im still very happy that yall are enjoying this post but also like. come hang out with meeeeee :(

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,835 Words

Summary: Off to a chaotic start, I see. Bakugou gets dared to start a 1-A group chat. The beginnings, Shinsou gains a father figure, and the bakusquad is chaotic.

Warnings: Dead Body Mention, Death Mention, Cursing, Anxiety Attack Mention, Caps, Mental Breakdown Mention, Fire Mention, Choking Mention, Injury Mention, Murder Mention, let me know if I should tag anything else.

Notes: Shigaraki's alias in the group chat is Ren and Dabi's alias is Haruhi. ¥11,055 is about $100 and ¥110,550 is about $1,000 on the day I wrote this.

Usernames: Area 51   Ashido: aggressive chicken dance, Kaminari: pikachoo, Kirishima: ordained, Jirou: neko neko kneecaps, Sero: wine and cheerios, Bakugou: mother i crave violence, Shinsou: its a mental breakdown

Usernames: Emo Sanctuary  Jirou: tell tale heart, Tokoyami: eldritch peep, Todoroki: i love you 3000, Bakugou: knife tag, Midoriya: bitchasaurus, Shinsou: unhappy meal, Kuroiro: meth and deadamine, Shigaraki: depresso extra shot, Dabi: *sad kazoo*

Into The Group Chat We Go: Chapter 1

1:45 AM

Emo Sanctuary

i love you 3000: I require attention.

unhappy meal: is that so?

i love you 3000: Yes, it is, otherwise I wouldn't have said it.

unhappy meal: @bitchasaurus, your man is sad.

bitchasaurus: He's not my man, Shinsou. Pretty sure he's no one's man, actually. And it's not like I'd have time for a relationship anyway.

i love you 3000: True. I'm not in a relationship.

unhappy meal: regardless, get your friend. the man wants attention.

bitchasaurus and i love you 3000 are now offline

*sad kazoo*: I dare someone to start a group chat with 1a and say something weird.

knife tag: Would I get paid for this?

*sad kazoo*: I'll give you anywhere from 11,05 yen to 110,550 yen.

knife tag: Deal.

2:00 AM

Bakugou has started a group chat

Bakugou has added Hanta, Mina, Eijiro, Denki, and 15 others to the chat

Bakugou has renamed the group chat to Area 51

Bakugou: His body is ready to be taxidermied. It's what Shinsou would've wanted.

Sero: What the fucketh?

Aoyama: Quoi?

Midoriya is now online

Midoriya: You didn't add Shinsou, you ass.

Bakugou: Oops, fuck.

Bakugou has added Shinsou to Area 51

Shinsou: hi I guess.

Aoyama: So your corpse is not being stuffed by Bakugou at the moment?

Shinsou: I mean, he can always taxidermy me while I'm alive. it's not like I'd stop him.

Midoriya: He's not. Kacchan was dared with cash to start this group chat and say something weird. Goodnight, filthy heathens.

Midoriya is now offline

Ojiro: Wow, Midoriya isn't messing around.

Aoyama: I feel ✨insulted✨ being called a filthy heathen.

Ojiro: I mean, it is an insult, Aoyama.

Aoyama: Yes, Ojiro, I understood that.

Sero: Why on earth are you two awake?

Ojiro: Because I can't sleep?

Aoyama: I got hungry.

Sero: Well, go to bed.

2:15 AM

Emo Sanctuary

knife tag: It's done.

knife tag: chatscreenshot.jpg

*sad kazoo* has sent a money transfer to knife tag

*sad kazoo*: Your money's pending to whatever card is attached to your number.

knife tag: moneytransferscreenshot.jpg

eldritch peep: wow, you really sent him 11,055 yen?

knife tag: This man's out here fueling my savings since UA instituted the no job rule since the dorms went into effect.

unhappy meal: they instituted a no job rule!? that's why I got that paper!? I thought that was a joke!

*sad kazoo*: Better put in a two weeks, kid.

unhappy meal: I literally can't. if I don't work, I don't have a way of feeding myself!

*sad kazoo*: Can't you ask your parents to send you food money, Toshi?

unhappy meal: okay, Haruhi, I know you weren't here when we started this chat with just me, Katsuki, Shouto, and Izuku so you don't know but I literally don't have parents, man. I lived in an orphanage until the beginning of the school year and, after I got in, I began renting an apartment near the school so I could attend. which means I'll lose my apartment where my cat and dog stay and it has all my stuff in it too.

tell tale heart: He's having an anxiety attack, someone go get him. I don't know where his room is.

meth and deadamine: I'll check on him.

knife tag: On my way.

eldritch peep: I'm coming, hold on.

*sad kazoo*: I've finally become a father at 28. I knew this shit would happen eventually.

*sad kazoo* has sent a money transfer to unhappy meal

*sad kazoo*: That's your monthly allowance. Do whatever you want, kid.

unhappy meal: I'm gonna cry.

unhappy meal: moneytransferscreenshot.jpg

meth and deadmine: You got 110,550 yen!? Haruhi out here paying kids to exist.

*sad kazoo*: That sounds weird, don't say that. I'm here because I'm Ren's best friend and Ren is Izuku's brother. I've effectively adopted both Katsuki and Hitoshi, I'm not sending random kids money for no reason, they're my sons.

eldritch peep: Ignore him, Kuroiro likes making things sound weird. How does it feel to be a father, Haruhi?

*sad kazoo*: Fatherhood? Guess that means I need to shape up and be a dad, huh?

eldritch peep: Step the fuck up, Haruhi.

*sad kazoo*:  I am, I am. Toshi, kid, don't cry or whatever, everything's gonna be fine.

unhappy meal: thanks, dad.

*sad kazoo*: My heart hurts. Why does it hurt? What the fuck is this feeling?

knife tag: It's called pride. It's because you're happy.

*sad kazoo*: This child is mine now, I'm going to find a way to legally adopt you.

unhappy meal: that would actually be really cool if you did.

*sad kazoo*: Looks like I'm re-evaluating my life tonight so I can make it hospitable for a son. I'm gonna go see if I can figure out how to fix some shit. Night, kids.

knife tag: hitoshicryingabouthavingadadnow.vid

Transcript Begin

"Hito, it's okay." -eldritch peep

"I have a dad now, Fumi." -unhappy meal

"We know, Shinsou." -meth and deadamine

"I have a dad." -unhappy meal

"Time to sleep, Toshi." -knife tag

"Okay. Time to sleep." -unhappy meal

Transcript End

*sad kazoo*: I love my son. Take care of him.

8:25 AM

Area 51

Ashido: ALERT- MY ALARMS DIDN'T GO OFF, PLEASE STALL AIZAWA FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES

this message has been marked as an emergency

Shinsou: On it.

8:40 AM

Area 51

Ashido: What'd you do to distract him, Shinsou?

Shinsou: Oh, gave myself an anxiety attack.

Ashido: SHINSOU!

Shinsou: It was an emergency! You'd be in detention right now if I hadn't. plus I had one last night too so it wasn't hard to do.

Ashido: Shinsou, don't ever do that for me again but thank you. You're getting big bakusquad hugs at lunch.

Shinsou: It's not like it was difficult. I got lots to break down about.

Ashido: Me too, bitch.

4:00 PM

Area 51

Shinsou has changed their name to its a mental breakdown

Ashido: Oh my god, Shinsou.

its a mental breakdown: I figured while I'm at it.

Ashido: Speaking of at it.

Ashido has changed Kaminari's name to pikachoo

Ashido has changed Jirou's name to neko neko kneecaps

Ashido has changed Sero's name to wine and cheerios

Ashido has changed Bakugou's name to mother i crave violence

Ashido has changed their name to aggressive chicken dance

Kirishima: Could you not think of one for me?

aggressive chicken dance: More like can't decide.

Kirishima has changed their name to ordained

pikachoo: You're ordained, Kiri?

ordained: Yeah. I got ordained for my moms' wedding in a few months.

pikachoo: So cool, dude.

ordained: Oh, Shinsou, dude, you said you had an anxiety attack last night, you good, man?

its a mental breakdown: one sec.

4:05 PM

Emo Sanctuary

unhappy meal: can I talk about it, Zuku?

bitchasaurus: Yeah, why not? Because it involves Ren? It's not a big deal, Hitoshi!

unhappy meal: just making sure, some people don't like their personal lives talked about by other people.

bitchasaurus: I don't mind, Hitoshi.

4:09 PM

Area 51

its a mental breakdown: alright. so we had a chat from right after the sports festival with just me, Midoriya, Bakugou, and Todoroki which became an emo chatroom when we added Tokoyami, Jirou, and Kuroiro.

its a mental breakdown: And then Midoriya got in contact with his older brother, Ren and added him and Ren's best friend Haruhi to the chat because he wanted to show off Ren but Ren didn't feel comfortable talking without Haruhi lurking in the chat.

its a mental breakdown: you guys probably don't know but I was an orphan from a really really young age because my parents died when I was young and my other family members didn't want me. and at the beginning of this year, when I got into UA, I moved out of the orphanage, got an apartment close to campus and all, I'd had a job for two years prior.

its a mental breakdown: and last night, Haruhi gave Bakugou 11,055 yen as a dare to start this chat. then Bakugou and Haruhi were talking about the no-job rule because of the dorms and I'd thought it was a joke when I got the paper so I didn't have anything saved up and I don't exactly have parents I can ask for money if I need to buy food and I'm definitely not asking my friends and bothering them.

its a mental breakdown: I mean, I have enough I could coast for a month or two without pay but I feel like Aizawa would kill me for not eating right.

its a mental breakdown: anyway, I had my anxiety attack, Haruhi sent me money, Kuroiro made a sentence creepy like always, and Haruhi called me and Bakugou his sons. him, Jirou and Tokoyami joked about him being a dad for a bit and then he actually told me when I went back online that he wanted to legally adopt me.

mother i crave violence: Thus why I didn't wake up Pinky this morning. I was busy in the Gen Ed dorms with my new brother.

its a mental breakdown: I will have another breakdown, don't tempt me.

ordained: Shinsou, man, that's so awesome! You have a dad! We should have a party for Shinsou getting a dad!

its a mental breakdown: if it makes you guys happy then go for it but if you go crazy with the party again. we already had the incident on my birthday, we're not having another.

Asui: What incident, kero?

its a mental breakdown: Kirishima's hair got set on fire at some point, Sero got tangled onto the railing of my balcony and was hanging from my fifth floor apartment's balcony railing, Mina choked on a piece of burnt tofu, Kaminari slipped in the bathroom and fell into the full bathtub where he then electrocuted himself, Bakugou got his face shoved into the cake and sat in the corner pouting while my cat Ume and dog Anzu tried to eat the cake off his face for the rest of the night, Jirou got lost inside my apartment building, and I hit my head on the counter and had a concussion for a week.

Hagakure: Why is your friend group so chaotic?

mother i crave violence: I like to think I've cultivated a well-functioning group of chaotic demons. At least if one of us is doing something dumb, usually the rest will either follow or do something dumb of their own.

neko neko kneecaps: I'd like to plead innocent as well as shift majority blame to Midoriya's friend group because I just know those idiots could and would collectively kill and hide a body and nobody would ever know it was them.

Midoriya: Bold of you to assume we haven't already.

neko neko kneecaps: Yeah, hi, mom, pick me up, I'm afraid of Midoriya again.

Midoriya: You can run, Jirou, but you can't hide.

neko neko kneecaps: You can't kill me, Bakugou would be sad!

Midoriya: You may live...for now.

neko neko kneecaps: Oh, thank the gods.

Taglist: @lgbtforeverything @rin-tanaka

#mha #my hero academia #bnha #boku no hero academia #todoroki shouto #shinsou hitoshi #midoriya izuku #dabi #todoroki touya #katsuki bakugou #sero hanta #aoyama yuuga #ojiro mashirao #fumikage tokoyami #jirou kyouka #kuroiro shihai #mina ashido #kirishima eijiro #kaminari denki #tsuyu asui #hagakure tooru #snoweywrites #into the group chat we go au #tw dead body mention #tw death mention #tw cursing #tw anxiety attack mention #tw caps #tw mental breakdown mention #tw fire mention

[asha-weak]

Switch Wangxian: NSFW

It is beautiful as fuck me supports so i wrote something 

NSFW NSFW

Wei Ying moaned, his hand speeding up on his dick, the other one thrusting the dildo in his ass faster and faster.

"Mmf! Fuck fuck aahhh...." He whined, his hips jerking and toes curling from the pleasure. He was so close so fucking close.

Then suddenly,

Knock

Wei Ying stopped. Resisting the urge to scream bloody murder. He knew that if he continued while whoever was outside of his room, he wouldn't be able to keep his voice suppressed.

"Wei Ying."

Came a soft voice. So familiar and so lovely Wei Ying had to stop himself from involuntarily stroking his dick. "Y-Yeah? Lan Zhan? D.. Do you need something?" He winced at how obvious his voice sounded.

"...." Was silence from the other side.

"Lan Zhan?" Wei Ying tried again.

"....Wei Ying. Is Wei Ying okay?" Lan Zhan unexpectedly asked.

Wei Ying was confused. Did something happen? He didn't cause any trouble today... Yet. Nor did he do anything reckless that could hurt him. So why was Lan Zhan worried for his perfect health?

"...no..." Wei Ying drawled, still puzzled. But maybe there was something in his voice that didn't agree with the situation because the next second Lan Zhan entered his room, closing the door shut behind him.

"L-Lan Zhan??" Wei Ying squeaked, glad that the curtain was down, giving him what little privacy he could have since he had pushed away his blanket earlier he had nothing else to cover himself up with.

He quickly slid his robe on, somehow managing not to jostle the dildo still buried deep in his ass. Just the reminder of it made him want to whimper and rock against it but with Lan Zhan right in front of him he wanted nothing else but to pull it out.

But he couldn't. He knows he would come, and come with a deafning sound, and even if he was somehow able to pull it out without making any sound in his throat, the loud squelch of the oil dripping from his ass would be enough to alert Lan Zhan about what he was doing.

However.

All his worries wiped themselves away as Lan Zhan opened the privacy screen, peaking in, definitely breaking two of the 3000 rules of the Gusu Sect. 'Rude'

Wei Ying gasped, closing his legs to hide whatever he could as he stared up at the second Jade, also staring back at him with his mouth hanging wide open.

"Aha..ha..ha.. Lan Zhan don't you know a fly would enter your mouth if you kept it open for that long?" Wei Ying joked, trying fruitlessly to extract Lan Zhan's mind and eyes away from his disheveled state.

Lan Zhan was speechless, his gaze stuck on Wei Ying. Wei Ying's dilated eyes, Wei Ying's flushed face, flushed shoulders, flushed chest, Wei Ying's sweaty hands, Wei Ying's plump red bitten lips, Wei Ying's heaving abs, Wei Ying's half covered drooling dick, Wei Ying's long legs, Wei Ying, Wei Ying, Wei Ying, Wei Ying.

Lan Zhan's eyes almost rolled back in his head as he practically fell to his knees, staring intently at his dick, his hands itching to open those thighs and choke on that cock.

He wanted to feel the weight of it in his mouth. So Lan Zhan opened his mouth, letting drool collect and drip from the corners of his mouth, hot puffs of air burning against Wei Ying's sensitive thighs.

Wei Ying was flabbergasted, THE second jade was on his knees, face inches away from his dick with his mouth wide open, ready to be fucked.

"L-L-L-L-Lan Zhan!?!?" He yelped. Shifting away to gain some sanity, because Lan Zhan had clearly lost his. But Lan Zhan made a discontent noise before dragging him back to himself, and before the angle hadn't allowed Lan Zhan to see Wei Ying completely but now...

Now the angle was amazing and Lan Zhan could clearly see the dildo stuffed in Wei Ying's ass, his rim stretched red and wet around it. Lan Zhan couldn't stop himself even if he tried. He whined and licked a broad strip from Wei Ying's full hole all the way to the tip of his dick.

Wei Ying keened and smashed his fist against the wall, legs kicking and hips jerking uncontrollably. "Lan Zhan!" He wailed, fisting his hands in his hair when Lan Zhan swallowed in his cock all at once, his beautiful, small mouth so tight around Wei Ying, he almost cried.

Lan Zhan moved his head at a ridiculous pace, tongue continuously swirling around his tip and occasionally sucking and contracting his throat, making it tighter than it was. Wei Ying was still high and sensitive from his previous ruined orgasm so it didn't take long for him to cum.

"Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan... I'm- I'm- I gonn.... Gunna cummmm!" Wei Ying's words broke off in a wail and he grabbed Lan Zhan's head, stilling him and face fucking him. Lan Zhan and Wei Ying both twitched, trembling as Lan Zhan squeezed around his dick, swallowing every drop of cum his dick spurted.

"Lan Zhan- ! Nhaaa... Take it out take it out I can't-!" Wei Ying moaned, oversensitive and writhing as the dildo kept pressing against his prostate. Lan Zhan hurriedly but gently coaxed the double ended dildo from Wei Ying's still quivering hole clinging to it.

Lan Zhan mewled as he slid off of Wei Ying's cock, gaze still fixated on it as he licked his lips, shoving his fingers into his own mouth and thrusting in a vain attempt to mirror the same overwhelming feeling he had just experienced. His clean hand roamed down his own body, feeling up his nipples and caressing his stomach before palming his dick through multiple layers of cloth.

Wei Ying still twitching and heaving simply stared at the erotic scene in front of him, laying limp in his bed. His throat felt parched from all the moaning he had done and he had no desire to use it for a while. But he decided to throw that intention away when Lan Zhan started stripping.

"Wei Ying..." He groaned, his own voice fucked out and hoarse. Lan Zhan moaned when he finally had gotten rid of his endless robes, immediately wrapping a hand around his dick and stroking harshly.

Wei Ying gulped, "Lan Zhan. Come 'ere." Thankfully Lan Zhan obeyed at once and climbed onto Wei Ying's chest, his hand leaving his dick and pressing against the bed for balance. Wei Ying groaned and while whining, "Sit on my face, Lan Zhan, please."

Lan Zhan was surprised and was unable to keep his whine to himself. He did as told and hovered above Wei Ying's face. Wei Ying, grabbed his thighs and brought him down, closer to his mouth, Lan Zhan's precum smothering his forehead but Wei Ying didn't care. He licked at the small pink rim, looking as if it had never been touched before.

Lan Zhan whimpered at the first taste of his hole, clenching and unclenching and moaned loudly when Wei Ying slurped at his rim. Soon his hole was wet and ready, precum soaking Wei Ying's hair completely, so without wasting any further time Wei Ying plunged his tongue into the ready hole.

Lan Zhan's eyes shot open and he grabbed uselessly on the wall, nails leaving scratches in the wood, "Wei Ying Oh!" he cried. Wei Ying did it again and Lan Zhan started meeting his tongue's movements, grinding down on his face, "Mmmm... mmnn mm ahhh...." Lan Zhan kept whimpering.

Wei Ying closed his own thighs, feeling his dick harden slowly, he wanted to touch his cock but he also didn't want to stop touching Lan Zhan's skin, he whined and sped up his pace, already restless for his second release.

Then Wei Ying thrusted his tongue as deep as he could and sucked Lan Zhan's hole at the same time, and Lan Zhan was forcefully thrown off the edge. He cried out and slammed his thighs shut against Wei Ying's head, grinding like a madman onto Wei Ying's tongue.

Wei Ying moaned, if he were to accidentally die right here between Lan Zhan's strong thighs bracketing his face, he wouldn't mind at all, he would thank whatever entity that exists to give him this unrealistic view as his last memory.

He didn't realise he had floated away until he blinked open his eyes and Lan Zhan was lying next to him, "Wei Ying...?" Even if Lan Zhan spoke less words, Wei Ying understood what he meant, 'Are you okay? Do you want to rest? Do you want to continue? Do you want me to bring you anything?'

Wei Ying smiled tenderly and croaked out, "Water please." to which Lan Zhan immediately stood up fetched him some water, waiting for him to sit up and handed it to him. Wei Ying drank slowly, "Uh... Uhmm...how long was I gone?"

"3 minutes." Lan Zhan replied, and then he looked down. Wei Ying followed his gaze and blushed terribly, Wei Ying was hard. "U-um... T-this.." he started but shut up when Lan Zhan shifted closer to him, showing off his own stiff shaft. They were both the same size more or less, Wei Ying noted.

Wei Ying was left stupified when Lan Zhan started rocking against him, rubbing both their cocks together and it was no where near satisfying. But still, it made Wei Ying whimper and clutch at the sheets, "L-Lan Zhan..." He mewed.

"I washed it." Lan Zhan's monotonous voice pulled Wei Ying out of his head, "W-what..?" He questioned, need growing in his stomach as Lan Zhan simuntaneously kept grinding them together. "The phallus." He answered.

"Oh.. thanks.. thanks Lan Zhan you didn't have to do that." Wei Ying was perplexed as to why Lan Zhan was bringing up his double ended dildo, was he going to punish him for not abiding by the rules? He got worried when Lan Zhan shook his head, light breaths coming out of him.

"I... I want to use it. Wei Ying." Lan Zhan spoke softly, Wei Ying could see the tips of his ears were deep red and cooed, but he stopped himself when the words settled properly into his muddled brain.

Lan Zhan wants to use MY dildo????

The image of Lan Zhan pushing the dildo in and out of himself while lying on his chest didn't take long to form in his hormonal brain. Wei Ying whined in agreement, "Y-Yeah Lan Zhan... You can you can use it, as much as you want....." It was harder to think anything other than fucking and being fucked by the drop dead gorgeous boy next to him.

Wei Ying sat up properly and sat on top of Lan Zhan's thighs, "I'll prepare you alright..? I'll make it good..." He whispered before leaning down to kiss Lan Zhan gently, which turned into a deep sloppy kiss and they licked and slurped at each other's tongues, pressing their open mouths together and nog wanting to let go, moaning and whining into each other's lips.

Wei Ying had unknowingly started rutting against Lan Zhan and they both broke off at the same time to throw their heads back as their cocks pressed together at an especially pleasuring angle. "Wei Ying hurry-!" Lan Zhan gasped, hands grasping Wei Ying's hips to move him.

Wei Ying nodded, "Yesyesyesyesyes-" murmuring whilst he got off Lan Zhan and went to bring his lubricant since the one he used just before had finished. When he returned Lan Zhan was lying face down ass up ready and wanting.

Wei Ying moaned at the display and climbed into his bed, settling directly behind Lan Zhan, he spread Lan Zhan's asscheeks to reveal the twitching pink hole still glisning from the remanents of his saliva and spit directly on it. Lan Zhan gave an appreciative groan and moved his ass further up telling Wei Ying to just Hurry Up.

Wei Ying drenched his fingers in the lube and warmed it up before pressing those fingers against his rim. He pressed a bit harder with the index finger till it popped in making Lan Zhan moan. Wei Ying bit his lip at the sound and at the sensations on his finger as he slid it all the way in.

Lan Zhan shuddered and sighed, wordlessly letting Wei Ying prepare him. Wei Ying thrusted his finger a few times more till he deemed his hole loose enough to fit another one. "Lan Zhan I'm gonna put another. Alright?" He cautioned and waited for Lan Zhan's signature Mn. Before continuing. He then inserted another and pushed them all the way up to the knuckles, moving them with an almost embarrassing squelching sound.

He scissored his fingers, sometimes hooking a thumb to help in stretching as well. All the while relishing in the small choked noises Lan Zhan would let out. When Lan Zhan was looser he stopped thrusting for the sake of preparing him and started thrusting to give him the euphoric pleasure Wei Ying loved.

Wei Ying pressed his fingers around, searching for his prostate and smiled when Lan Zhan jerked suddenly, moaning, he could see his fists clenched in the pillows trying to understand what had just happened to his body. But Wei Ying without any mercy started finger fucking him, making Lan Zhan whine and moan.

He added a third finger and then a fourth watching at how far his hole stretched and felt his own hole ask for attention. 'Later' he thought to himself and continued fucking Lan Zhan, the one under him crying out of sheer pleasure. Be continued till he grabbed his wrist and pulled his fingers out of himself.

Lan Zhan dropped on the bed, panting and trembling, then flipped himself into his back. He took some time to sit up, "Wei Ying lie on your back." He demanded which Wei Ying complied with. He spread his legs as an invitation a let Lan Zhan sit between them, heart beating faster when he sees Lan Zhan slicking up his fingers and shoving them into his hole.

Wei Ying's mouth opened in a soundless scream as his back arched. He scratched Lan Zhan's arms and raised his hips, grinding sensually back onto Lan Zhan's fingers, "Oof... Ohh... I'm I'm already ready Lan Zhan you don't need to-" he clenched his jaw as Lan Zhan brushed against his prostate, goosebumps rising all over his body, "That's- that's good that's enough L-Lan Zhan."

Reluctantly Lan Zhan removed his fingers and sat down, having support from the headboard, Wei Ying copied him and sat in a similar position, etching closer till their thighs touched and crossed their legs over each other's. Lan Zhan picked up the double ended dildo and lathered it with the lube, rubbing it while staring straight at Wei Ying.

Wei Ying chuckled and bit his lip meeting his intense gaze with one of his own. When Lan Zhan broke their eye contact to bring the dildo to their holes Wei Ying followed his hand, shifting to give him space. "It will be better if you fuck yourself first, get used to it then I'll resume." Wei Ying suggested and grinned when Lan Zhan nodded, the blush reaching his torso.

Lan Zhan pressed one end of the dildo to his own hole and pushed softly till his rim gave away and sucked the shaft will surprising ease. He choked on a cry, whimpered and pushed it deeper. "W-Wei Ying ahh...." He rubbed against it, griting his teeth when it struck his sweet spot. He let himself get used to it then nodded, his Lan forehead band loosening a bit.

Wei Ying gulped and came closer to him, till the dildo was kissing his rim, he whimpered and pressed closer till it slid in hole like it always had, like it belonged there, and yeah it did. This dildo belonged only in Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Wei Ying moaned, eyes rolling back at the heavenly sensation filling him up.

A few minutes passed and Wei Ying rocked against it, whining, Lan Zhan, assured that they both were ready also responded with his own thrust, his mouth hanging open as drool dripped out. "Wei Ying!" Lan Zhan gasped as a particular shove made him see stars and it was as if a dam had broken that both cultivators started shoving against each other, feeding the dildo into one another's hole.

Wei Ying's eyes shut tight as he melted in the harsh thrusts and moved his hips alongside Lan Zhan's. He felt the other's legs shake and opened his eyes, the beautiful man in front of him crying and sobbing with pleasure. He could dazedly hear his own moans and whines but then he noticed Lan Zhan's loose forehead band and gasped.

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Ying stared at the forehead band about to collapse, "Lan Zhan your forehead band..." He reached out but before he could touch it, Lan Zhan snatched it off and threw it somewhere on the bed. Wei Ying cried out when Lan Zhan slammed against him, twin sobs resonating in the room.

"Fuck fuck fuck Lan Zhan!" Wei Ying screamed, "Mmmmmm!!!" Lan Zhan bit back his own, his hands playing with his nipples. Wei Ying took a hold of Lan Zhan's right hand and deepthroated his fingers exactly like how Lan Zhan had deep throated him earlier. As much as he liked to be loud, he loved his mouth full and sated, and he knew so did Lan Zhan.

Wei Ying guided Lan Zhan's mouth to his own fingers and sighed at the wet feeling. Lan Zhan released a wail when a particular thrust rammed the dildo to his sweet spot again and pinched his own nipple. Wei Ying could feel his limbs tangled with him shaking terribly and pounded both their holes at the same time.

Lan Zhan suddenly bit on fingers hard which made Wei Ying moan out in bewildered pleasure and he stared at him, stared at Lan Zhan as he snapped his head back, bucked his hips once, twice and then came, whimpering the whole time. Wei Ying had only a few seconds of time to look down at Lan Zhan's dick spurting out white strands before Lan Zhan started stroking his dick at a punishing pace.

Wei Ying spit out Lan Zhan's fingers and fell deeper in the stack of pillows and blankets behind him which changed the angle and made the dildo stick relentlessly to his sweet spot, Lan Zhan never stopped jerking him off and Wei Ying could distantly hear Lan Zhan moaning with overstimulation, 'So good taking care of me while he's oversensitive.'  Was his last thought before he wailed as his earth shattering orgasm slammed into him.

Lan Zhan whined as Wei Ying's cum hit his torso and mixed with his own. The oversensitivity was taking over so Lan Zhan stopped touching Wei Ying's dick and slid out the dildo from his hole, he shoved it a few times in his own, all the while licking off Wei Ying's cum before sliding it out of himself and falling flat onto his back and fainting.

When Lan Zhan's eyes opened, Wei Ying was lying next to him and he noticed how both of them were still dirty so Wei Ying probably woke up only to plop next to him. Lan Zhan smiled and kissed Wei Ying gently on the lips before falling right back to sleep.

Consequences will be handled later.

#wangxian #mdzs #mo dao zu shi #modaozushi #grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation #wei ying #wei wuxian #lan zhan #lan wangji #switch wangxian #Switch Lan Zhan #switch lan wangji #switch wei ying #switch wei wuxian

[bearseungmin]

CONTENT CREATOR YEAR IN REVIEW

tagged by: @hanflix :’))) my love, rue!!! i love you so much!

tagging: @binniesthighs @milkym00n @dreamyhan @mochinnie @hanjizung @seungmoomin (if you’ve done this before please feel free to ignore this! :) ily) + anyone who sees this that hasn’t gotten to do it yet! tag me!!! i want to read into your world please this is fun to do i promise

NOTE: most of my works are nsfw. under 18 please do not interact with them.

1. first creation of 2020 and most recent creation of 2020 first creation: runaway, a lovely fluff + sci-fi! au about alien hyunjin running from his lab and finding solace inside of your bedroom. most recent creation: ironically another hyunjin drabble (he’s my kryptonite)! free with ads is a smut request by a lovely anon about hyunjin wanting to have fun during a movie night with skz! hard warnings btw, beware.

2. one of your favorite creations from 2020 the ricochet effect, although it’s not out yet! it’s an ot8 series, part per member/’choose your own’ vibe, and it’s already got me in my feels. the entire series is meant to have the message of “love does include sex, in a healthy way. you can experiment without being called names, learn from mistakes, and even (just maybe) find someone that you can share a little more time with. all while learning about yourself, and how to love yourself!” or at least i hope it comes across that way. :) it’s witty and has bits of actual advice i want to pass over to smut readers, all while still being fiction. i hope it turns out well.

3. a creation you’re really proud of imminent! it’s a long fic about wolfman! changbin. It’s completely based off the movie “the wolfman” from 2010 that i love substantially, (mainly because it starred benicio del toro, who i’m constantly inspired by) and sort of follows the lore of the film without being exactly like the film. i wrote it in two short sittings, and i’m completely proud of myself for coming up with a huge spin to the plot within like an hour before writing it. it’s also one of the only works of my own that i can read without cringing too lmaoo.

4. a creation that took you forever the ricochet effect, again! i currently have 4 out of 8 written, but it feels like it’ll be the year 3000 by the time i finish it, and i will not be living under water. i’ll be screaming at my wifi for going in and out and deleting what i’m writing. rip.

5. a creation from 2020 that received the most notes could listen to you read the dictionary is the highest of my notes right now! which, who doesn’t have a very specific felix’s voice kink? this was my first request on this blog, so i’ll cherish this drabble for a long time.

6. a creation you think deserved more notes before i swapped over to this blog from bearseokie i was doing a 1k drabble game/halloween drabble game, which brought two of my favorite drabbles to light! epitaph is a warlock! au smut that is centered around the idea that minho can make you see a few minutes into the future, and also bring you back to the now moment! vampire is a vampy! au (obviously) smut where you’ve come to love your human seungmin, and all he wants to do is join you in the life of immortality to make you feel less alone. bonus: for my harry potter/hogwarts! au lovers, stars is considerably underrated and is very cute! jisung is a ravenclaw, reader is a slytherin. could i make it any more obvious?

7. a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it i’m still a baby stay, so stray kids! i have a tendency to listen to a group’s music for months on end before i even get into the members and knowing their history. but when i got into skz holy shit you’d think i had an epiphany, these dudes are insanely talented and i am so sorry i slept on getting to know them. i’m just going to link my entire m.list since that’s what stanning them has brought out! masterlist!

8. a creation you made that breaks your heart words to me, definitely. the idea of being around soulmate! chan is enough to make anyone weak, but the lights in each other’s eyes put together form a diamond to tell you both that you’re soulmates? i’m on the floor, i hardly even remember writing that bit but it’s in there and i’m going awooga right now.

9. a ‘simple’ creation you really love 11:47 took my brain cells and ran with them. fuckbuddy! hyunjin is always on my mind, but damn if me writing this out didn’t electrify those thoughts by a thousand.

10. a creation that was inspired by another one beat it to the door was inspired by daniel sloss’ comedy special “X” (it is highly mature content and possibly triggering content btw pls look into it before watching if you do!!!) inside one of his jokes he was speaking about how sex is bound to happen to everyone, and can be under any circumstance. while listing things you could have sex during or between, he joked “order a pizza, see if you can beat it to the door.” and my brain went: chan. so welcome to how my brain works!

11. a favorite creation by someone else i love all of the recs under my tag #during.dawn.bookshelf, but oh do i know how many works i have yet to read and i know will shake me to my core. i honestly cannot choose any specific works off the top of my head, so instead i am just going to link my skz writer recs lists so you can see all the people i adore + who inspire me every (and i mean Every) day! skz writer recs: list one, list two, list three

12. some of your favorite content creators from this year where do i even start, okay: @hanflix​ - can make you cry and be horny at the same time? wtf rue. i came here for fun and now you’re making me Feel Emotions Through Your Writing That I Have Yet To Feel In Real Life Mom Pick Me Up Rue Is Too Talented. read rue’s works or you will regret it. @mikoto-ica-fics​ - i would be lying my sweet ass off if i said mica isn’t the explicit reason i made this blog. her works will literally (Literally) send you into another dimension and make you fall in love with skz all over again. @nightshade-minho​ - mika mika mika let me announce that i love mika, mika’s writing (so much that you make me genuinely excited to write), and mika’s aesthetically pleasing blog. the best “let me dip my toe into the water (aka mlist) and see what happens oh no i’m in it now and it’s 5 a.m how did i get here.” you’ll ever experience. @binniesthighs​ - if you’ve ever asked the question: where can i get some good fucking food (skz fluff & smut) around here? see ro! @dreamyhan​ - why is hazel everywhere, and how did i not find her sooner? how is hazel so talented? i ask these questions on a regular basis. @mochinnie​ - you’ll never be bored if you know isa’s @. everything she does is so neat, pretty, aesthetic, astounding, talented, beautiful, amazing, etc of what lady gaga says in that one meme which fits isa way too well. there are SO MANY skz writers i could go on about like this, so please please please check out the skz writers recs list above!!! i’m still adding to it as time goes on :) if you weren’t specifically mentioned here, just know i will find your blog and i will fall in love with you. this is a threat.

#this took me so long wtf #this was well needed tonight i'm ngl thank you for this rue #makes me feel like i've been productive with my hobby :')

[pineapplesandbananas]

My thought process watching Endgame (spoilers btw):

(This is very long, I wrote this as I watched, knew Tony and Nat would die but I didn't know when. It's a chaotic mess of me screaming and sobbing the whole movie. Please enjoy.)

-So I started crying two minutes in.

-THE BARTONS 😭.

-TONYYYYYY.

-Carol you little shit.

-NaTaShA rOmAnOfF sToP bReAkInG mY hEaRt.

-Nat's hair is awesome.

-Scottttttt.

-OH MY GOD IT'S A MINI TONY OH MY GOD MORGAN IS SO ADORABLE.

-nats broken.

-BRUCE PLEASE OH MY GOD I DUNNO WHAT TO THINK BUT IT'S BORDERING ON YOU'RE A NATIONAL ICON.

-MORGAN MY DEAR DONT SWEAR.

-Tony please don't make me cry with your great parenting.

-I LOVE YOU 3000 PLEASE I CANT DO THIS. NATASHA AND BRUCE PLEASE THEY'RE AWESOME.

-SCOTT-

-"oh thank god." *clutches pearls*

-"TIME TRAVEL"

-HELLO TONY

-GREAT JOB TONY JUST JINXED YOURSELF

-nebula.

-BRUCE IS THE MOST PURE MAN

-WHAT IS THIS???

-BRUCE???

-heeeeya Valkyrie

-OH WOW THOR'S A WHOLE ASS DISASTER

-OH MY GOD NOT THE FORTNITE

-"yes, I'm fine, why?" *is a literal mess*

-"wuzzit natahjhaaa"

-CLINT OH MY GOD

-I'm gonna say it now and it'll be said again later, Clint should've died.

-NATASHA PLEASE STOP CRYING

-thor's a damn disaster

-THE SUITS OH MY GOD

-Clint's such a mess

-Thor and Clint need psychiatric help. They all do. But those two especially.

-Nat needs therapy, she's so beyond deoressed.

-oh Thor...

-Nat taking notes 😅✋🏼

-THE WALK

-I LOVE IT

-"see ya in a minute" NATASHA NO

-BRUCE IS TOO PURE FOR THIS WORLD

-HULK-BRUCE OWNS MY HEART

-MISS GIRL THE FUCK YOU JUST DID???

-JANEEEEE???

-"the chick with the antenna."

-HOW DID I NEVER NOTICE THOR'S EYES ARE DIFFERENT COLOURS

-Clint should've died.

-WHAT HAPPENED IN BUDAPEST???

-gamoraaaa

-ugh thanos.

-"Mr Rogers I forgot about that suit it did NOTHING for your ass." TONY PLEASE-

-hulk vs stairs is my aesthetic.

-"medic medic. This guy needs some help."

-LOKI FOR FUCKS SAKES

-ugh they didn't factor in so many things... This will be a mess...

-JANE JANE JANE JANE JANE

-Frigga and Thor ohhhhhh

-"eat a salad"

-DANCE BREAK WITH QUILL

-NEBULA WHAT IS HAPPENING

-FUCKING HELL

-fuck fuck fuck

-I wonder if we'll see Peggy...

-OOP

-BAHAHA HOWARD AND TONY

-HOWARD POTTS PLEASE

-We should go pay a visit to S.H.I.E.L.D so we can go say hi to Peggy- OH IT'S PEGGY HI PEGGY

-PEGGY OH MY GOD I LOVE HER SHE HAS A PICTURE OF STEVE ON HER DESK AND SHE'S OLDER NOW OH

-oh tony and howard.

-heads up I'm crying again.

-JARVIS

-JARVIS JARVIS JARVIS JARVIS JARVIS OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU YOU'RE SO OLD OH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AH PLEASE MY HEAR CANT DEAL WITH THIS

-welp. Nebula.

-UGH NO THIS IS WHERE NAT'S GONNA DIE

-why does Clint use a katana now???

-"oh good."

-NAT'S GONNA DIE SOON

-CLINT YOU SHIT WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST JUMP YOU DIPSHIT LITTLE MOTHER FUCKING ASSHOLE???

-I CANT SEE THE SCREEN I'M CRYING TOO MUCH

-NATASHA

-NATASHA NO PLEASE NO IT'S NOT OKAY NATASHAAAAAAA

-I'm having a breakdown so it's time for a pause

-goddamnit natasha.

-I love you so much don't do this to me.

-no death has hit me harder ever in the history of my life.

-we lost nat.

-BRUCE 😭

-MY HEART IS IN SO MUCH PAIN.

-she's gone...

-nat 😭

-YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU.

-bruce🥺

-we love you so much natasha. rest in peace sweet dear.

-FUCKING HELL EVIL NEBULA

-everybody comes home.

-not natasha though.

-Bruce. I swear to fucking god.

-FUCK

-BRUCE??

-DID IT WORK???

-ARE THEY HOME NOW?

-THEY'RE OKAY

-OH

-WHAT'S HAPPENING???

-WANDA BABY PLEASE COME AND SAVE THEM

-OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD

-NOT AGAIN PLEASE NO

-STUPID MOTHER FUCKING THANOS

-gamora???

-WHERE'S MY BABY WANDA???

-OH SHIT

-why tf is thanos such a damn dick. Like, sir?

-*cue our perfect little baby wanda???*

-I really miss Nat...

-GODDAMNIT EVIL NEBULA

-FUCK YEAH GAMORA

-peace out evil nebula

-Wait- when the hell does Tony die? I've never seen pics of his death... I WON'T BE PREPARED

-STEVE???

-STEVE WITH THE HAMMER PLEASE

-NO STEVE'S SHIELD

-we really need wanda right about now...

-like, really

-OH HI GUYS I MISSED YOU SO MUCH

-HI PETER OH MY GOD I MISSED YOU BUD. TONY DID TOO

-YES.

-FUCK. YES.

-THE QUEEN HATH RETURNED

-WANDA! WANDA! WANDA! WANDA!

-OH HI PEPPER!

-AYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

-i miss nat...

-ASSEMBLE!

-FUCK. YES.

-OH MY GOD LOVE IT

-"you have the little one."

-TONY AND PETER

-"oh. This is nice."

-MY HEART FEELS HAPPY. THESE ARE SEMI HAPPY TEARS. OKAY??? SEMI HAPPY. I'M KINDA OKAY RN.

-GAMORA PLEASE-

-LA CUCARACHA???

-OH FUCK YEAH THIS IS SO COOL

-GO T'CHALLA

-NO T'CHALLA

-WANDA

-WANDA

-WANDAAAAA

-FUCK YOU THANOS

-"you will."

-WANDA REALLY SAID, "I give you, some bad bitch shit."

-not wanda single-handedly taking down thanos

-oh no, is little thanos scared??? /s

-PLEASE PETER

-oh pepperrrrr

-it stopped..?

-OH HI CAROL? I'M ASSUMING IT'S YOU?

-YEAH IT'S CAROL BEING A BAD BITCH.

-CAROL AND WANDA REALLY SAID," FUCK YOU I'M BETTER THAN ALL Y'ALL PUT TOGETHER!"

-The Girls™ (and Peter)

-UGH THE POWER THESE WOMEN HOLD

-nat would've really pulled it all together...

-"IM A BAD BITCH YOU CANT KILL ME" - The Girls™

-there's 35 minutes left and I just realized the pain isn't over yet.

-I'll finish just before midnight tho.

-CAROL

-FUCK

-OH HELL YEAH CAROL

-BAHAHA PLEASE

-shit shit shit

-OH NO TONY-

-BAHAHAHA

-NO TONY

-Tony's gonna die now...

-"nat, we won." "what'd it cost?" "everything."

-thanos is gone.

-OH TONY PLEASE.

-OH RHODEY

-PETER😭😭😭

-"we won mr stark."

-OH PEPPER I'M SO SORRY

-"hey pep."

-"we're gonna be okay. you can rest now."

-PEPPER

-NO TONY PLEASE TONY NO

-rest in peace tony. we love you.

-OH PEPPER I'M SO SORRY

-please i can't take this anymore.

-UGH I CANT DO THIS I CANT DO THIS I CANT I CANT I CANT

-MORGAN YOU POOR BABY YOUR DADDY LOVES YOU 3000 SWEET GIRL

-PROOF THAT TONY STARK HAS A HEART 😭

-this hurts too much.

-that's gay.

-OH NICK

-wow really Carol? A full damn pantsuit.

-wanda my poor sweet baby your mom loves you.

-"she knows. they both do"

-MORGAN WANTS CHEESEBURGERS PLEASE THIS HURTS

-HAPPY GIVE THAT LITTLE GIRL EVERY CHEESEBURGER IN THE UNIVERSE

-there's tears pouring down my face, snot dripping out of my nose. My heart has never in it's entire life been this broken before

-i have a headache from crying so much.

-"yes please please knives."

-"I am groot."

-we know bruce. we miss her too.

-that's also gay.

-he's not coming back, is he?

-no he's not.

-he's going back for peg.

-who da?

-IT'S OLD STEVE WHAT-?

-why does he look like biden?

-70 years of character development down the drain.

-OH THE RING-

-OH HE GOT TO MARRY PEGGY-

-I LOVE THIS SONG WITH EVEEY FIBER OF MY BEING OH PEGGY I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU

-OKAY SO LIKE-

-WOW.

-wow.

-I'm crying again because of this song and the dance with Peggy and Steve-

-my brain is overloading. I have a really big headache, very emotionally drained. Best movie. By far. The amount of pain I felt. I've never been this heartbroken before. 3000/10. why are end credits making me cry?

-NATASHA I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU

#marvel #endgame #tony stark #natasha romanoff #wanda maximoff #the avengers #marvel cast

[givemequeen]

finally ; john lennon x reader

request: CAN U WRITE BEING BEST FRIENDS W TEDDY BOY JOHN BUT U BOTH LIKE EACH OTHER AND THEN THE BOYS THROW HIM A BDAY PARTY AND THATS WHERE U BOTH CONFESS UR FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER!!!!!! a/n: these are for his birthday so in case ur like ‘i sent my request first :/’ i did say these could skip the line for his birthday :( if there is anything wrong just go with it (i mean date wise) pairing: john lennon x reader summary: liking teddy!john and being friends with him and confessing your feelings for each other at his birthday party that his friends threw for him warnings: fluffy shit year: ‘59 word count: 1,521 

You were sat on his bed while he sat on the chair in front of his desk. He spun it around and showed you a sketch he just made. You gave him a thumbs up, closed your book and stood up. “It’s your birthday tomorrow Johnny!” you excitedly said as you walked over to him.

“Nineteen!” he replied with a smile. 

“Ew, you’re getting old.” you teased and poked his stomach.

“Oh shut up you’re nineteen in two months,” John said as he covered his stomach.

“What are you going to do? Big party?” you already knew the answer, the boys and you had planned a surprise party. You walked past him and looked at the papers he had on his desk. All were art, either his sketches he did in his free time, art for his university or music he wrote.

“The boys are throwing me a surprise birthday party.” he sighed and laughed.

“Oh?” you pretended to be shocked and dammed the boys in your mind.

“Yeah, they aren’t too subtle about it.” you nodded and hummed. John laughed to himself, you couldn’t see the cheeky smile growing on his face. “You didn’t know anything about it then?”

“Hmm? Me?” you shook your head slightly and John rolled his chair closer to you.

“Really?” John asked and before you had the chance to answer he grabbed your side and began tickling you. You fell back and onto his lap but he didn’t stop. You moved and kicked around until you both fell onto the ground. John rolled over on top of you and you held your hands out so he couldn’t reach you but it was no use.

“O-okay! Stop!” you managed to get out.

“So you did know?” he looked at you with an exaggerated look.

“Fine! I did!” you fell back and smiled. John looked down at you with love in his eyes, you looked beautiful ith your hair around your head like a halo and a massive smile on your face. “Now get off you fatass.” you pushed him off and he rolled right onto the floor. John proper himself up on his elbows and looked at you as you stood up and picked up your things.

“Leaving?” he asked you.

“Yeap, better get some sleep.” 

***

You looked at yourself in the mirror and patted the dress down. It had been over a decade since you had met John and 6 years since you had fallen, or realized you had, in love with him. To be honest, you were tired of hiding your feelings and tonight you were telling him. This could turn out greatly or not. There could be three outcomes.

He could love you back, which you doubted, he could no longer want to be your friend since he probably didn’t like you, which you dreaded, or he could not like you back and it would be awkward from then on. But you promised yourself you would put yourself out of your misery and would simply come clean to him.

Little did you know John was getting ready back at his house. He slicked his hair back and pulled the collar of his leather jacket up to look ‘cool’. John had also promised himself to come clean and shared the same fears but it wasn’t fair to either of you to keep on concealing how you felt about the other. So there he was, standing in front of his mirror practising how to tell you.

But the time had come and you were on your way over to Paul’s for John’s surprise birthday party. You had to pick up John and take him to a ‘quiet dinner’ at Paul’s house but that wasn’t how it was going to turn out... When John opened the door to you he couldn’t help but smile and compliment you. And you couldn't help but blush and compliment him right back.

Throughout the walk to Paul’s you were both awfully quiet. John had his hands shoved into his jackets but not for long. As soon as you shivered he handed it to you, something he always did since you always forgot your jacket at home. Not that either of you was complaining. John loved seeing you in his clothes and you loved wearing his clothes.

“Here we are,” John said letting you walk down the driveway first.

“Here we are, now remember to act surprised.” you reminded him and he laughed.

“Yes yn, I will.” he reached over and knocked on the door before walking back to your side. You fixed your outfit as the door opened.

“John! yn!” Paul excitedly said trying to hide his smile. “Come on in.” he let you both passed and he couldn’t stop giggling and as you two passed. Wow, he truly couldn’t hide a secret.

As soon as the door closed and the lights of the living room turned on guests jumped out from behind places and screamed ‘surprise’. John laughed and looked back at his friends. “Wow! You guys did this for me?” You rolled your eyes at his reaction and the music started.

John went around with Paul greeting and thanking people while you and George made sure everything was in place and running smoothly. The music was on, the drinks were pouring and John was happy. He would glance across the room to watch you interact with people, a kind smile on your faces as you helped anyone who was in need of help.

He just couldn’t get enough of you. You were so beautiful, so intelligent, so kind and just oh so perfect. But who was he? Just some teddy boy who was under you, you deserved so much better than just him. What was he going to do in life? Hell, even his art and music was shit.

But that wasn’t what you thought. In your eyes he, too, was perfect. He was also intelligent. Anyone could see it in his art and in his music, the lyrics and notes all just fit in place. He was so kind to you and his friends, he took care of you and never left your side if you needed him. And boy was he handsome, his hair, his eyes, his jawline and even when, especially when, he wore those glasses of his.

The party had been going on for over three hours and you hadn’t had enough time to talk to John. You had been so preoccupied with getting everything in place, welcoming new guests, helping people and everything else that you did not have time to do the one thing you swore to yourself that you would do tonight no matter what.

So after guiding someone to the bathroom you walked over to were John was talking to a friend and tapped his shoulder. He turned around and raised his arms in happiness. “yn! There you are.” he leaned down and hugged you tightly making you laugh.

“Can I talk to you?” you whispered into his ear. John pulled back and nodded.

“Sure, let's go outside.” John held onto your hand and led you outside, the small gesture sending your heart into a little dance party of its own. “What is it?” asked John once you both were sat on some chairs apart from anyone else.

“I need to tell you something,” you admitted looking down at your hands.

“What is it?” John leaned forward in his seat and looked at you. “You can tell me anything, y’know,” he added. You took a deep breath and looked up. His heart broke when he saw that your eyes had gone red and watery. “Oh no, yn, what is it? Who did this to you? Was it me?” he cupped your face and rubbed your cheek with his thumb. You placed your hand over his and leaned into his touch.

“John, I love you,” you whispered. At first, he didn’t understand, his eyebrows scrunched up.

“I love you too yn, you’re my best friend.” 

“I love love you.” you repeated, his eyebrows raised in realisation, his mouth going into an ‘o’ shape and you knew there and then that your friendship was over. But he didn’t pull away. In fact, his other hand went to cup your other cheek and he got closer. Your breath hitched as his lips connected with yours. You moaned into the kiss and your hands went up to his hair pulling him closer to you.

Once neither of you could breathe you pulled away and pressed your foreheads together. John chuckled slightly and circled your cheek. “Finally.” he breathed out and you chuckled.

“Yeah, finally. Happy birthday, Lenny, I love you.”

“I love you too yn, so fucking much.”

bonus:

You entered the room once more holding onto John’s hand, your head leaning against his arm and he looked down at you. You laughed as he told you some funny thing that had happened to him not long ago, his arms moved around as he explained what happened.

“FINALLY.” Paul and George yelled making you look up just as they high fived each other.

tag list;

@thebeatleswritings  @beatlevmania  @i-love-queen-3000  @brians-metaphor26 @honimello  @julessworldd @storiesfrommirkwood  @beatles-babee  @geostarr @thiccjelly17 @crab-king-69  @in-the-frap-of-the-gods

#john lennon #john lennon x reader #john lennon fluff #john lennon angst #john lennon x fem!reader #john lennon x female reader #john lennon imagine #john lennon one shot #john lennon blurb #teddy boy john lennon #teddy boy!john lennon #teddy boy!john lennon x reader #teddy boy john lennon x reader

[tomfreakinghollandneedsaoscar]

I hate you 3000 | Tom Holland Imagine.

Warning: My honest opinion rant (that's never ending since I need help in life) with a lot of spoilers and some cuss words

Note: How I would act after watching Endgame with Tom. Mostly wrote this for me, myself and I. I'm sorry if there's any errors...I started writing and didn't stop for ten solid mintues. I hope you like it! Please feel free to comment or message me so we can talk about Endgame.

-------

Flash.

Smile.

Pose.

Walk beside Tom on the red carpet for the premiere of Avengers endgame and whisper in his ear, "Are you going make me cry again at the end of this movie,Spiderman?"

He laughs. "You did bring tissues, didn't you?"

"You know nothing will stop me from crying like a little bitc-" he puts his finger against his mouth with shock and a small smile forming in the corner. "Language!"

"Sorry,Cap." He shakes his head as you add, " I understand that reference."

His head rolls back as his laugh is louder than the last time. "I love you."

"And I love you."

Flash.

That'll be your favourite picture when you check the internet later. Making sure your dress is still looking good, you can't help to wish you were wearing leggings instead. It's a three hour movie... the heels that Tom thinks makes yor legs look longer will come off when you finally sit down.

"Aren't you hot wearing that black tux?"

"You know I am." You playfully hit his shoulder when he winks. "This will be worth it when the movie starts, trust me, Y/N. You are doing great and the cameras love you."

Eying him closing, you say. "Thank you... that was nice for you to say...a little too nice though, especially since you are in the movie and knows what happens..." sometimes he sucks a actor because he knows how to have a straight face and look forward. "Its my not my fault you forgot to bring tissues."

He has been saying that ever since you watched the first trailer in your pjs and told him you'll start a countdown for the premiere since you were gonna go no matter what ."I'm gonna kill you!"

"Thanks for the warning, darlin. Since you know, I told you to bring ti-" you try your hardest to make sure the front theater doors hit him in the face.

----

Silence.

Body shaking.

Wet cheeks.

Thumb rubs against your hand and you don't need to see his face to know he is not trying his hardest to smile and yell, "I told you so."

"Tom."

"Yes, Y/n?" Who knew you could hear a smile in a a voice? "I hate you so much right now. You! Like seriously, what in the actually fucking fuck? We had dinner with him a week ago! And now I just watched his characters funeral? But it's not his character, it's him! RDJ is Iron Man! He said that! He said that in the ending of Iron Man and it was his last words ever!? No! I read that his concert was ending like years ago but holy shit! And Chris Evan too!? For a second I thought they both were gonna get killed off but he finally got the dance with Peggy! And Thor got to talk to his mom on the day she dies?? That's fucked up and made my heart cry out for him. I saw a fan's painting of Thor with his beer bully and it said, "you don't need abs to be worthy." and now I want it on a shirt but I also want a picture of when all the ladies line up, which I know Natasha would feel like a proud mama of - did she have a funeral too? Okay wait answer that later when I'm okay because I'll never be okay and I feel like they did her dirty. I should've seen it coming but when the wide angel showed Vormir I started to have a heart attack because that's when I knew Marvel was gonna be that bitch again even if I wasn't over the fact that Ant Man didn't even know his daughter was still alive or what the fuck was going and how he will never to able to get those five years back to watch her grow-"

He pulls you up with both of your hands but doesn't let go when he starts pushing you to the staircase. "I'm really loving this right now, but I really need the bathroom, love." If a single look could kill, your boyfriend would be ten feet under.

"You hold it for three hours, you can hold it for a couple more seconds."

"Really? I have a gut feeling I'm gonna listen to you all night."

"No." He gives you a confused look as he holds the door for you after you throw away your trash. "I'll stop when the next movie comes out so I have other things to talk about."

"You mean mine?"

"Yeah, and you better give me a heads up if you are gonna be a happy dork one second and be crying and needing to win a oscar the next." He starts walking backwards in the hallway towards the men's bathroom and he shugs his shoulders and says, "There may or may not be a new trailer coming out soon." Before you can say anything, he stops walking and asks "want me to grab you toilet paper?"

Getting the hint that yes, you should've bought tissues, you flip him as he turns and disappears.

#tom holland #tom holland x au #tom holland x reader #tom holland x you #tom holland fluff #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland oneshot #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #peter parker #peter parker headcanon #ton holland headcanon #peter parker x you #avengers endgame #ae #marvel

[crimsonquiescence]

I see a

missed call on my phone in the dark from A, who I have not heard from in a couple of weeks.

Hi. Haven’t heard from you in a while. How are you? I hope you are doing fine and feeling better--a text I sent the day before, not sure of what I’d get in return.

“How are you? Want to meet up to do a shoot?” he said, in one of his responses a couple hours later.

I’m okay. And sure we can work out a time for a shoot.

I asked for details, and he told me to wear “the clothing you’ve mentioned but never wore.”

I thought back to June, when I did all those shoots just to practice for our shoots that never happened. I kept sending more and more ideas to him, hoping we could create something eye-opening, something great. I’d been so, to the point of mistakenly, inspired.

Lol. I mentioned so many. You want a dress? It all feels like so long ago, I added, wanting to say, that really, it feels like we’ve both moved on from then.

I told him I’d show him a couple pieces the night before the shoot.

“Awesome. Looking forward to it” he texted, lines he could easily say to anyone.

Same. I thought you’d forgotten me altogether, I wrote, conscious of how I was picking at something already apparent.

“No way”

If you say so~

“I do”

Okay ^^ I believe you.

But really, I wanted to tell him it’s okay if you’re lying. I didn’t mean to cue you to respond a certain way.

Flash forward to the present. I’m walking with C in the dark, at a mountainous park where there’s supposed to be a view of the city. The photos would turn out nice, thanks to his expensive camera and decade of experience. Except, there are trees blocking the view underneath, and it’s pitch dark above the parking lot. There are no city lights whatsoever. We aren’t high enough on the mountain.

You called? I message A, conscious of how eager I am to reach him.

“Yes.”

Sorry didn’t hear--which is true, though wonder if I should’ve said I can’t talk.

“No problem” “I’m missing you” “As weird and abrupt as that sounds” “Saw something that reminded me of you” “I look forward to our shoot”

Me too. And thank you for missing me after all this time. I know it’s weird to say... but I mean it

“I know I’ve been mia” “Just a lot was going on”

It’s okay. I understand. We can talk about it in person I feel like I’m not someone as close as I’d like to be with you. But that’s okay :)

“What do you mean?” “Yes, let’s talk about it in person.”

I feel like you don’t let me in on a lot of things. I wish it wasn’t like that. But it’s okay.

“it’s mostly financial things.”

I choose my words carefully and let it end there, knowing there’s no point to be cross, even though I want to. I imagine a different scene: me and A in a home, and perhaps being slightly more honest as I start to grab things and throw them at him. Of course, I imagine wearing a dress for him.

You miss me now? Fuck, I bet you only miss me when you’re horny, because that’s how it’s always been. How about the nights and days I spent waiting for you, torturing myself over whether to message you or not, too worried to not care, and too worried to disturb whatever you’re doing?

I waited for you, and have been waiting all this time. I’ve waited two years ago, and I’m waiting now. What am I to you? Just an object to photograph? You know what, I would’ve been fine if you treated me like that, if you didn’t say things like you miss me and you love me. But why do you do this to me? Do you think I have no feelings? I’m not like you. I hold onto things, much more than you do.

I think about the ways he’s made me feel weak and the ways he’s made me feel like so much of a female, in every sense of the term: the waiting, the questioning, the massaging, the little errands, the painting my toenails, the clothing, the temporary black hair dye, and all the jewelry I examine repeatedly before the mirror to make them match.

And it doesn’t end there. I practiced for our photos. I scheduled shoots so he could want to use me again, so I could deliver on the pictures, so he would like me, want me, and need me more. I even thought of how his jealousy could play into it.

  If you want me, you’d come and get me, won’t you? You won’t let bad things happen to me, right?

  This led to that hotel room with FF, where he massaged me and then proceeded to touch me everywhere. I was bleeding too heavily for him to do anything inside me, but when I felt his fingers between my legs, I asked myself why is this happening? This can’t be happening. I’m not enjoying it. What will A think? How can I face him now? How did I get myself here? How do I tell this guy to stop? Stop. Stop. Stop. Please stop. Don’t touch me there. I like someone else. But I can’t even tell FF A’s name. A probably doesn’t want me to tell other people about him. It’s not official. I shouldn’t say anything. If I say I like someone else, it won’t make a difference. He won’t stop because of it. In fact, he’s still not stopping. Why am I here again... how did I let another man touch me?

Then I faced it and let my pride go. I felt as if a part of myself broke.

Later, I told A everything, except for the fact that I wanted him to be jealous, so he could want me more. He didn’t take it well regardless. That hurt. He talked about wanting to protect other models, when I wished he would’ve looked me in the eye and told me he wanted to protect me. I wished he would’ve told me how he couldn’t stand the idea of another man touching me and photographing me. I wish he didn’t think I’d flirted with FF, even if I blamed myself for what happened. I was ashamed, feeling as if the world had played a game on me: I’ve never felt the need for games before, but the one time I tried, it backfired on me and made me hurt the only one I wanted closer.

I wanted to ask A, why are you so good at this? Or am I just a fool for believing you?

I asked myself the latter question too, as A became increasingly distant and “busy.” I questioned what appropriate response times were. I wondered if it’s normal not to talk for a day, or two. I kept practicing with new people, so that maybe A could feel inspired. Maybe this would be the time that makes him remember me again, I thought each time.

Then by chance, I met C at a shoot. We connected and talked and talked and talked. And then talked some more. I must’ve had some charm, because in my mind I kept thinking about A, and wishing it was him instead, or wishing I could show him the cool stuff I learned, or wishing he could see these expensive camera and lenses and lights, or thinking A would find this so cool. I wondered if I talked to C more, and learned more things, whether I could have more to talk about with A too, or if A would value my input more, because sometimes it felt like A didn’t care much about what I had to say.

C also gave me hope in this industry in places outside of Vancouver. He asked if I’d like to travel with him. We talked about growing and collaborating together. I thought back to A snickering and saying “Yeah you’re a good model. The city’s just not a place for it,” after he said, as a joke, “Your poses suck.” I thought that if there was a hint of truth to his joke, I could make him eat his words. I’ll get better, for you. I made a mental note.

Then C kissed me, and a part of me turned cold. He whispered to me, between kisses, “Be my girlfriend?” I didn’t want to respond. I scoffed in my mind at the situation. I didn’t know whether he was talking with his penis or his brain. Then I asked myself if someone would say this between kisses, if they really meant it. Then I asked myself why would someone be so nice to you without expecting anything in return? Who do you think you are? Just a good person to talk to?

I kissed back and said yes. Other things happened that would make me try backing out of it, to no avail. Then other things happened that made me like C a lot less, because he didn’t treat me as an equal. I really was a past-time to him. With him, a girlfriend was a role, not a person.

But C was someone who liked to speak with his actions. Following our conversations, he proceeded to buy 3000 dollars worth of equipment for shooting things together. He actually made preparations. He actually wanted to do something and not talk about doing things in the spur of the moment. I didn’t want to back out on someone like that. If I had to choose a working relationship without considering anything besides work attitude, it would be C and not A. But really this was a no brainer. C would be the choice, all things considered too.

I got myself into this mess, and I have no one to blame. But what I really want, is to tell A all of this, after throwing enough pillows and furniture at him, like some enraged passionate, short and petite woman.

All of it started with you. I wanted to impress you. Yet all you do is ignore me. I’d let this go if we’d communicated less, but I wrote to you so many silly things which I thought meant something... I spilled my guts to you in that note (June 23rd).

When you asked me today, what was on my mind, I didn’t tell you that the words I wanted to say to you kept me up: I’ll die if you leave me, I mean it. I’m so tired of it all. I want you to be my last. You’ll kill me if you walk out on me. Hell, you might as well just kill me, literally, with your own bare hands--I don’t care.

I’m not saying this to be cute. I mean it. After all this meaningful meaninglessness and philosophizing and pain and submission and domination and intellectualizing and tears and hurt that I once thought meant something, I just want it to all stop.

I want to live and die for a heart-wrenching romance.

I fucking love you.

And I’m tired of having to move on.

I thought you understood. I thought we had some psychic understanding of each other, or at least you made me believe it. You told me “I love you” when you fucked me, on that hard carpet floor. I would’ve let it pass, if you hadn’t said and done what you did after. “Those are heavy words, I know,” you said. “But I mean them. You’re my everything.”

You’ve said some more things too, but let’s just cap it at that. Goddammit. How can you say that to me and expect me to brush it off like nothing? How can you be so good at seducing people? I really question it now, as I imagine myself looking up to the sky and laughing like a maniac.

I’m so stupid to have fallen for it. I’m so stupid for playing this game with A of all people, just because he stuck himself inside me and said things. I didn’t even love him then. But I remembered laying on the ground, looking up to the corner of the room and thinking so this is what life feels like. I haven’t been living this whole time. I took time to think about what he said, tried to put myself in his shoes, and let the emotions sink in, and then I drowned in it myself.

What’s wonderful, enraging and sad about him is that he comes off as flaky even when he isn’t. It makes it hard to be around him sometimes. But I also think, it makes it harder to be him--to live in a world where over time, nobody truly believes you or takes you seriously.

Still, I want to shove A against a wall and demand answers. How could you say that to me and then ignore me? You know the amount of times I’ve thought about you and how small and pitiful you make me feel? You know how hard it is to pick up the phone and send you a message now, and how much thinking about it makes me feel stupid for having done anything for you at all?

But what I really want to do is put him in my shoes too. Does he know how it feels to be touched by another man, while thinking about the one you want? I wish he could. I wish he could know how many times I envisioned hanging myself, as C’s lips touched mine and his tongue reached into my mouth.

I feel so fucked up. And of course, A would tell me to stop it if I didn’t want it. It’d be so easy to say stop. To let one’s actions speak. And yet, I find it ironic that he of all people says this--the person who cannot be read by his actions alone, the person that left me bare in the cold, waiting for him through his silence. I cannot stop. I must move past this, I tell myself. If A wants me, he’ll come.

The first times with C, I wanted to jump into the ocean. I didn’t want to be me. Why couldn’t it be easy? C took his time and asked me to lick him from head to toe. I felt sick to my stomach. He instructed me to start with his ass and then move to his toes. I wondered if anyone has had to subject themselves to this, just to get it over with. The smell from his ass made my stomach turn, even though he showered, because well, he was human. It was a trap, because the better I did it, the more he’d ask. But if I don’t do it at all, he’d still insist. I wanted to leave. But this place was pretty far out. I had to finish what I started.

How will my mouth ever be clean? How will I live after this? I should drink a bottle of mouthwash after this. This is so fucked up. I hardly know him. It’s not that I’m vanilla, but I can’t feel good doing this... not with him, not like this.

“You like this,” he said.

I nodded, while flicking my tongue.

I don’t. I don’t like any of this. Please make it stop. Please let it end, I beg you. Anything but this. Please just fuck me or something. I don’t want to lick you in those places. I don’t want to do this, not to you.

“You’re my slutty wife bitch,” he said.

“Yes I am. I’m your slutty bitch,” I said, while thinking, there’s only one right answer to it, so just answer the way that pleases him. “I love how slutty my hubby makes me feel.” I’m not your wife and I’m not your bitch. We’ve only met for a couple weeks.

“Slutty bitch. Bark like a dog,” he said.

Bark like a dog? Is this even hot? Why would he want me to bark like a dog? Does he mean literally? Fuck. I stopped my thoughts. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want my despair to show on my expression. I didn’t want him to ask me questions and make it harder and longer for me.

I barked, like some slutty impression of a dog.

“My wifey is such a slut bitch. Aren’t you?”

“Yes I am.”

“Only for me, right?”

“Yes, only for my hubby.” I should die just about now. What have I just said? Please. I don’t want to live this down.

I closed my eyes and thought about other things, while a part of me asked this is still easy, isn’t it, just do it? and another part of me wondered when it would end.

It took several times before he asked me whether I enjoyed licking his ass and feet at all. Apparently, his ex-girlfriend liked doing both those things more than giving oral sex. I do wonder if he was being truthful. I told him I didn’t and preferred giving oral, partly because there was no smell and I could close my eyes, let my mind drift and think about other things. To my relief, he hasn’t asked me for analingus since.

Even so, my body betrays me when C licks me and kisses me. I hate how persistent his tongue feels. I wish it was someone else’s. I wish he’d stop licking me to make me feel good. Why does he try to make me feel and care about my pleasure? It might be more enjoyable if I liked him more. But all I think each time is, Not there, not there, please. I hate this feeling. I beg you to stop. Please, I don’t want this. I hate you. I hate the way you’re making me feel. I scream these words in my mind, until I reach a point of no return.

Then my body feels it. I’m repeating the same words I detest upon his suggestion, but I guess maybe it’s kind of hot. It’s the kind of thing that one’s supposed to say to be a good sport. I’m on top, fucking. I can’t stop moaning. I’m the one controlling the pace and moving faster. The noises I make escape me and I surprise myself. If anyone heard it, they’d think I’m really enjoying it. I wonder what I’d say to A if he was watching. I think about whether he could feel my misery and hopelessness.

I let my voice go, letting it all out. I pretend C isn’t there and no one can hear it anyways, and I don’t care about him hearing. I don’t care if he finds me unattractive. But then even I start to admire the sound of my moans. Am I really this slutty? Is this me? Is this what it means to be a woman--to only be someone’s equal in bed? I let my self-awareness go. I don’t even like being on top that much, but my hips move. C becomes just sensations and repetitive motion. I feel like I’m cursed. I don’t know how to face anyone after this. Is this a trance? Or am I trying to get him off? Will I get a chance to get myself off when he showers? What if I’m caught and he goes again?

I don’t expect anyone could understand this. I feel a little bit broken and beyond repair.

When I think about A, I recognize I’d lost a bet with myself. I’d believed if he cared and asked me to hang out on just one of the days I’d be with C, I would go with A. I would believe he still cared. But I haven’t gotten any. There was rarely any conversation without my initiation. The only thing he said once, without me saying anything, was after I liked an IG post he made, and he told me he missed me.

Is this the proof I was looking for to move on? I feel like I gave A so many chances, two years ago and now too, although they are mainly in my head and through silence. In C’s home, I have spoken to A in my mind many times.

Where are you? What are you doing? I’m thinking of you. You seem so far away. I’m tired of our games. Why can’t you treat me like a girlfriend for once? You make me so lonely. What’s troubling you now?

I don’t like sounding so pitiful though. I don’t like feeling so unsure of what to do. I don’t even like being female.

In present time, C drives me in his BMW with Harman speakers. We listen to Jay Chou songs from various eras. I drown my emotions and thoughts in the music, drenching them with the melodies and letting them flow. I wonder if I heard the same emotions in these songs over a decade ago.

Drive me through the entire city and let me soak it in and disappear in it, I want to tell him. But I know he doesn’t want me to treat him like a driver. It isn’t that though. It’s more that the things he shows me are so beautiful and I get lost in them. I’m at a loss of words. Yet, if I tell him that, he’d say no wonder you seem so stupid.

C and I relocate to somewhere closer to his place, and take photos in nearly pitch dark, with city lights in the background. I examine how well they turn out in the car on our way back, and relish in the feeling of achievement with him. I like that too. I like how effortless our photos are and how easy it is to work with him. They are beautiful. They make me feel beautiful, even when I stop believing I could be, I want to tell him.

I can’t thank him enough for the beautiful things around me. With him, I wake up early and sit before a view of the water as I write. It’s breathtaking. It makes me feel precious just to see it.

But then when he touches, kisses and licks me, I wonder if that’s the price I need to pay for this beauty. And if so, why it’s so so ugly.

------------------------------------------------------

I think to how Timmy came by moonlight one night. It’d been so long since I’d seen him. I wondered if I should’ve appreciated our times together more, or if I was right to move past it, so as to not be in the situation I was in now with A: the thoughts, the pining. But T isn’t like A. T holds onto things. It’s hard to know what I should’ve done.

I’d felt stuck with T because last year was supposed to be fresh starts, and it felt so elementary and basic again. I waited for 3 years for it to happen, only to have met T. I wanted to move on. I wanted to carry nothing from the rainy city and be with no one.

I now wonder if I was delusional: I’d always be stuck, one way or another. T made the times so effortless and easy to pass. If I were to be realistic, isn’t that what life’s about? Having someone to spend time with, indefinitely? I could definitely do it with T. I could sink into his presence and mine mixed together and never come out. The idea of impressing him is as strange as impressing myself. But the idea of pleasing him is as compelling as pleasing myself too. 

When I see him now, time stops. It’s just us again, like a year ago, like none of the bad happened, and the person before me is refined to just bits of pure gold. I wonder if my hands are clean enough for him. I wonder if my lips deserve to be kissed after having done such foul things.

I almost want to tell him, as I break down, I’m sorry, for letting myself be unhappy again. I know you tried so hard to make me happy. I wish I could tell you now that you really did. But then I’m crying like there’s no tomorrow, and that might be hard to believe.

And then there’s some things I couldn’t just say all in one day: Let’s do everything we planned to together. Let’s escape somewhere if things get bad. Let’s fuck so much we could populate a deserted island with our offspring. I want to taste your piss again. I want to be sick with you. I want to get on my knees and put my face to your crotch as soon as you walk in the door again, just because I have so much fun doing it.

Those make me giddy and smile.

Then there’s other things I can only say through tears: I like everything we did, to no end. Please don’t hate me if I tell you that I like it now even more, in retrospect, than I did before. I wish they wouldn’t feel so distant, or like they’re gone already. I don’t want to feel like I ever lost you. I don’t want to think about everything in the present. I want to erase the last 9 months. I can’t do this for much longer. Please make me forget, or take my life. Take me away from the world and find a pretty girl, have lots and lots of mind-blowing sex, and be happy for me. I’ll be happy to live inside you, in your memories, for as long as you do.

I wished he’d known, that hours before I got the message from A and before I was with C, how he grabbed me by the heart when he talked about our first time and the Coffee Crisps. We so instinctively ate it from opposite ends, and then swapped it between our mouths as we kissed.

I thought back to that day, and wondered why it should feel like so long ago, and what I would give to have it back, innocent of all the things that would follow. I felt like my gut was being ripped out slowly.

I was naked, laying on his shoulder in his bed that made me feel like a princess. I began to cry.

What’s wrong? He asked.

I couldn’t respond. I couldn’t think straight and didn’t know what to say. I knew I should feel like a monster for crying about it, after everything, but instead I felt like a little girl having lost something precious to her for the first time. I thought about the innocence of our first time and it filled me with anguish.

If I were in a better mood, I might say with a voice Daddy, I’m just so so sad, and there is no end to it. And I wish he’d call me Mummy again sometime and tell me his little boy thoughts too.

I stroked his cock when I gathered myself together and indulged in how it felt in my hand. I wondered if it felt good. I hoped it did. I wanted to be bliss to him as he is to me.

All the things that otherwise disgust me appeal to me when I think about doing them with him. I want him inside me. I want to be a human holder for his privates. I wish he’d call me all the filthiest names on the planet. And then some more. Fuck I wish he’d wreck me, and fill me with his cum wherever he sees fit, until I can’t keep it in anymore and it drips down my legs.

“I love you. You’ll always have me,” he told me.

“Make me your whore,” I said, as he screwed me. “I’ll always be yours, no matter what.”

I wished so bad for it to be true that I began tearing up. I wanted to cry. I wanted him to know I was being truthful. I wanted him to know how tired I was, and how much I wanted to disappear, especially then, but I didn’t know how it’d feel if he’s still inside me. I worried it’d make him soft. I wished my insides could hold him as tight as I ached to.

      On the drive back, that Billie Elish song came on, and it took all my strength for me to hold it in and not cry because my mom was sitting beside me. I wanted to tell him, through tears that if you read everything I wrote, you might think that this summer was a dream, and it must seem like I got everything I wanted. But it makes all the difference you weren’t here.

I’d surprised him when I sent a text saying I need you, which he thought was unlike me. I struggled to give him an explanation to clarify what I meant by it, though to me it was self-explanatory and so natural. Part of it could’ve been fueled by the moments when I texted him with my hands shaking, plagued by a need to see him, yet having to wait for over 60 hours for it, each as slow and grueling as the last. The rest of it was simply “need” in every sense of “need.” So please, don’t ask.

         “I feel stupid for saying it but I feel like I gave you a portion of my heart,” he texts to me later that night, when I’m on the bed that C would come join me in.

I probably give too many people portions of my heart. And hearts grow back. But not this. This is irretrievable.

I feel like I gave you a portion of myself. And now I’m only myself when I’m with you, I say. I feel this in the air even if we say nothing and just look at each other. I see myself lost in him forever.

I also mean to add, you know, that also means, I won’t be complete without you, no matter how much time has passed.

(PS - Annabelle was here)

[freddie-roger-brian-john]

Kisses of fire - Part Two

A/N - ok so this was originally a little bit longer but my phone ran out of charge before I had the chance to save it so here we are. Hope you enjoy!!

Warnings - none

Word count - 2555 (was originally over 3000 and I’m sad)

Read part one here!!!

——————

Needless to say, John could be very persuasive. Y/N wasn't quite sure how it happened but by that night, she was in his bed as he panted loudly, coming down from his high only one minute and forty nine seconds later.

His hotel room was very small and cramped. It seemed he had brought everything he owned on holiday with him. Y/N noticed his bass sitting in the corner.

"That was the greatest event of my life," John confessed through heavy breathing. He had an arm wrapped tightly around Y/N as she lay her head on his bare chest. "It's been a good life,

you know. Full of happy things, but... that was the best of them."

Well, she was happy he was happy at least.

"Did you enjoy...?" He began before stopping himself. "No, don't answer that." The casualness of the day had completely disappeared. After that performance, Y/N was beginning to feel a little awkward. "But did you?" He asked.

"It was..." Y/N tried to search for word that didn't mean short. "Lovely." She patted his chest. "Thank you." She tried her best to sound convincing.

"No," he said, hugging her even tighter. "Thank you."

It didn't take too long for John to fall asleep. However, as soon as Y/N was sure he was out, she untangled herself from his tightly grasping limbs, and stood up from the bed. She found her clothes, quickly getting dressed, and made her way to the door.

She headed back to her own room in the hotel and grabbed a notepad from within her bag. Tearing out a page, she found a pencil and jotted down the words

"Gone to Greece."

Maybe one day he would take inspiration from her. Maybe when life got too stressful, he would write a similar note for his future band mates and then fuck off to Bali or something.

Creeping back into John's room, she left the note on his bedside table. She looked at it, and then to John's sleeping form. The boy was a romantic. He deserved better. She turned the piece of paper over and quickly jotted down a few sentences.

-

Dear John,

So sorry I had to leave so early. Looking forward to the sunshine in Greece. Hope everything goes well when you get back hope. I'm rooting for you. Break free, spread your wings and find a band for me. Find a better girl than me; someone who's you're best friend. Don't take any shit, don't take any back chat.

Love, Y/N

P.s next time you're with a girl though, maybe try not to -

She tried to think of a delicate enough word.

- misfire.

-

Her eyes found his bass guitar again and, although it seemed a little far fetched, she truly hoped he would heed her advice and join a student band.

"Bye, John," she said, quietly.

And with that, she closed the door behind her, quickly grabbed her suitcase from her room, and set off towards the train station.

————

The next day, Y/N found herself in a coastal town in Greece. As the train had been slightly delayed, she was running late for the ferry that would take her to Kalokari.

She quickly rushed over to a small booth in which a round man sat, ready to check passports and sell tickets.

He was taking his time about it. He kept glancing between Y/N and her passport photo, and eyeing her suspiciously.

"Your hair is different," he commented.

"It is a bit," she responded, growing a little impatient. "Listen-" she looked at his name tag, "- Elton, I know we could talk about that, but, uh, the ferry leaves any second, and-"

"I liked your hair better before," he told her, not really listening. "It looked a lot like my mother, Melina's. Now it looks like my Auntie Sharon's."

He stamped her passport and she ran down the peer as quickly as she could, shouting a fast "thank you" behind her.

"Wait! Wait!" She shouted to the ferry which had just started to move. She was running as fast as she could and failed to notice some of her clothes slip out of her jam packed suitcase. "Please! Turn around, it's not too late!"

But the ferry was gone and it had no intention of stopping for Y/N to climb aboard. She let her flailing arms fall to her sides and heaved a heavy sigh of frustration and disappointment. The next ferry wasn't for another week.

"This is great," an English voice said behind her. She turned around and saw a young man, maybe only a year older than John had been. He had blonde hair that fell to just above his shoulders and the most breathtaking eyes Y/N had ever seen. "I'm just going to follow you

everywhere. By the end of the day, I'll have a whole new wardrobe."

"I don't think that'll suit you," Y/N told him, a smile playing at her otherwise annoyed lips. He smirked and held the bikini top that he had picked up to his chest.

"I think I can make it work," he said. To be completely honest, Y/N agreed. The confidence that was radiating off this boy was quite refreshing after Y/N's encounter with John. Unlike the bassist, this man seemed a lot more similar to her. He seemed free. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I just really wanted to catch that ferry," she explained as he passed her clothes back to her.

"There'll be another next Monday," he told her. She nodded.

"Yeah, thanks," she muttered. As she sat her suitcase on the pier and began stuffing her clothes back inside, the man walked off back to where he had come from. Y/N's couldn't help but giggle as she saw him hop down into his boat.

"Right," she said, "but, uh, what would be

really great - today, not tomorrow - would be if, somewhere in this harbour, there was a guy."

"Young, luscious blond hair, dashingly handsome?" He asked as he fiddled with some of the ropes on his boat.

"He's probably passable-looking," she told him. He smiled, shaking head. "But he has a boat."

"And a couple of days free before he's got a gig here on the mainland," he continued.

"So maybe he can take her where she wants to go," she suggested. He smiled brightly at her.

"He'd love to," he said. His smile faltered. "But the sad fact is... this isn't my boat. I just wanted to impress you."

"Oh," Y/N muttered, her smile also fading. "Oh, okay." She made to turn and walk away but he called out after her.

"I'm kidding," he laughed. She whipped back around, her grin returning. "I'm kidding," he assured her. "Jump on. I'm Roger."

And so, Y/N hopped down onto the boat. She stumbled slightly but roger was quick to catch her and steady her back on her feet. She  pulsing help but notice the way his hands lingered on her bare arm before letting go. "I'm Y/N," she told him to help snap him out of his day dream. He was staring at her rather intently.

However, he didn't break out of it. Instead, the piercing gaze was now matched with a sheepish smile. "Lovely name," he told her, his voice almost dreamlike. "I've never seen eyes the same colour as yours."

She had to laugh. Her eyes had never been anything she consider special or out of the ordinary.

"Yeah, thanks," she said through an amused smile. Roger shook his head as if to clear and seemed to come back to earth.

"Um," said Roger looking right and left as if to find a direction for this slightly awkward, yet intimate, conversation to go in. "Come on, I'll show you under the deck." He took her hand and they headed below deck.

"I actually have a friend on the island who helped me buy this boat," he explained as they descended the stairs.

"You must be pretty close," she commented. Roger smiled and dramatically placed a hand over his heart.

"Soulmates," he told her, letting a laugh escape his mouth. They found the bottom of the stair and he held out his arms as if to say voila! "There are two beds," he said, "but unfortunately, one of them is rather full."

She glanced to where he was pointing and saw that the bed was covered in flippers and goggles and rope and all the things you would need on a boat.

"Huh," she said eyeing his cheeky grin. "Convenient." She giggled and the two of them headed back upstairs.

"You know what?" Roger said and the sunlight hit their faces. "You have one of those smiles

that makes the rest of the world smile, too." She almost rolled her eyes. "Luckily for me, this trip isn't long enough for my fragile heart to shatter completely when you leave my boat." His hand was over his heart again.

"Ugh." This time, she actually did roll her eyes. "I get it. You're one of them."

"One of who?" Roger asked, seemingly oblivious to how cheesy he was being.

"Well," said Y/N, preparing to give him a little lesson. "There are two kinds of seducer. The first doesn't actually like women and so wants to assert his power over them, but the second, and far more dangerous, is the guy who genuinely falls in love every evening, only to fall out of it again the next morning." Roger was smiling and his eyebrows were raised high.

"But as you run away, you tell her you're the one in pain and she's just too much for you to handle."

"Hmm," Roger thought for a moment. "That sounds eerily accurate."

"Does it now?" She grinned.

"Luckily for you," Roger told her, stepping nearer, "there is also a third type."

"And what would that be?" She asked. His hands found their way to her hips and hers held onto his arms. They were almost touching foreheads. He smirked. Her eyes resembled how his had been. Almost glazed over.

"Me."

Closer and closer. Millimetres apart. Lips almost touching.

But then Y/N saw something - no, someone. The mainland was still visible, the boat had only just left. The figure of the peer were small but she could just make out his skinny frame.

"Your hair," The man who checked the passports said to John Deacon. "I think it would be better short, maybe even a perm would suit you."

"Sorry, I wonder, could you please hurry up a bit?" John asked him as he bounced up and down on the balls of his feet. "Uh, you see, I've followed a girl all the way from Paris. She wrote me a note. A very kind note. Saying good-bye." He looked down at his feet, wondering for a moment if he had made the wrong decision. "But when you've found the only girl you think you're ever gonna love, it's gotta be worth one more try. Don't you think?"

The man looked John up and down, nodding. "Yes," He said. John smiled. "You would definitely suit a perm." He stamped John's passport and John ran as quickly as he could to the end of the peer to check the ferry times. But then he saw her.

Over Roger's shoulder, she locked eyes with the John who was rapidly growing smaller as they sailed further and further away. John's face fell but he shook his head, quickly managed to regain control over his face, and nodded to Y/N before turning around and walking away.

"Are you alright?" Roger asked her. Her eyes found him again and she nodded, attempting to clear all thoughts of John from her mind.

"Yeah, Yeah, I'm fine," she said. Now that she was looking into Roger's sea coloured eyes again, John seemed very far away. "I'm great."

And again, they both leaned in. Closer and closer until-

"Hey!" A voice called. The location of the shout was beyond either of their peripheral vision and neither of them could bare to tear their eyes away.

"What was that?" Y/N, her voice distracted and quiet.

"Nothing," Roger assured her. "A seagull or something."

Closer and closer.

"Hey!?" The voice cried again. Y/N was now to curious, she turned to find the caller and Roger, eyes closing in frustration and disappointment, leaned his forehead against the side of her head, their arms still intertwining them.

"Hello!" Y/N called out to the caller. Roger finally turned to look. A man stood on a very small boat, staring up at them from a fair few meters away.

"Hi," said Roger through gritted teeth. "Just checking to see if you're in danger, which you're clearly not, so we'll be off.” He made to grab Y/N's hand and pull her below deck for some privacy but she shook him off.

"My engine is not working," The man explained, pointing to the engine that refused to start.

"Oh, that is bad luck. I'll radio for someone

to come and help you," Roger said. “They should be along soon.” He grabbed Y/N’s hand and made to try and pull her below deck for some privacy but she just waved him off.

“Please, please,” The man said, bring their attention back to him. “There is a woman waiting for me on the mainland. Her family,

they not want her to marry a simple fisherman like Alexio. They want rich man. Ugly, fat, big mole on face, but rich. But she...” his face, which had to contorted to one of disgust as he described his lover’s betrothed, softened at the thought of her. “...she want me.”

Y/N couldn’t help but smile at the look of pure love on his face. “And I love her with all my heartness,” he told them. “Please help, kind sir

and beautiful lady.”

She turned to look at Roger, who she saw was already staring at her.

“Well, obviously we're doing this,” she said to him quietly. He shook his head but smiled and, at the same time, they both answered,

“Yes.”

——————

Taglist - @dorianbasil @seasexnsun @casafrass @deakyrog

Let me know what you thought!! :)

#queen #mamma mia #abba #kisses of fire #part two #roger taylor #john deacon #ben hardy #joe mazzello #elton john #x reader #series #music #band #borhap #bohemian rhapsody

[k2-b0]

"I like you."

Ouma's face burned as he held a heart stamped letter out to Saihara. His heart thumped wildly in his chest. What the hell was he even doing? Confessing his love behind the school building just like in one of those school life animes that Shirogane constantly cooed about?

God, he felt like an everyday schoolgirl. How embarrassing. He glanced up at the other boy from his bowing position, waiting anxiously for a response. Thank god patience is a virtue, because after an awkward pause Saihara slowly pulled the letter from his grasp and opened it, the tiny red sticker pulling away from the paper with a quiet ripping sound.

Ouma squeezed his eyes shut while his crush read the letter he'd written. It only existed because he was too scared to tell him through his spoken words. Typical of a coward like him. What was he even thinking? Saihara was way too cool and c-cute to actually like someone like him! Much less like-like!! Ahh, he sounded like Chabashira, going off like that! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Ouma-kun..."

Was it too late to take it back? Could he just rewind time? He'd totally compared the situation to an anime earlier, so why couldn't he just pull a trick from one of them and go back?! Fuck, fuck!

"Ouma-kun."

Was suicide an option? No, that would be way too sudden. And to do it in front of Saihara-kun? No way!! Maybe he could--

"Ouma-kun!!"

Ouma blinked as the usually reserved boy yelled at him. Had he done something wrong? Oh, yikes, maybe he was mumbling all of that out loud? Was Saihara going to beat the shit out of him and call him slurs?

"Ouma-kun," Saihara said again, drawing Ouma from his thoughts. "This letter... is this really how you feel?"

The shorter boy swallowed thickly. What a direct question... "Y-Yes," he mumbled, "I... really like Saihara-kun. I was too scared to tell him out loud so I wrote a letter... a-and--“

"So Ouma-kun thinks of me in that way?" Saihara cut in. Ouma froze. Was this where the ridicule came in? Where Momota and Harukawa would jump out and say 'surprise! Loser! You just got pranked!' Ahh. But what else did he expect. The purple haired boy straightened his back out from the bow to look at Saihara on even grounds. Whatever. If he was going to get ridiculed he'd take it with pride.

Saihara put a hand to his face and flushed bright red. What? "So..." he said, "Ouma-kun thinks of me the same way as I do him?"

What.

"I-I'm sorry?" Ouma stuttered. "What was that?" He'd had to of heard wrong. There was no way...

"I really like Ouma-kun too..." Saihara said, still blushing. "I've wanted to tell you for so long but I was afraid... afraid that you would reject me. I'm so glad you feel the same way... now I can do what I've wanted to do for so long..."

Do what? Was Ouma's first thought. His second thought was along the lines of oh, holy shit, what?! His face went bright red as Saihara kissed him. The dark haired boy cupped his neck as he did it, gently tilting his head back and nibbling at his lips. Ouma gripped onto the other's gakuran and closed his eyes, perfectly returning the passionate kiss.

Saihara pulled away first, licking his lips as he lovingly stared Ouma in the eyes. "O-Ouma-kun..." he whispered, "let's get married."

Sakura blossoms blew in the wind around them and the sun shone vibrantly through the clouds in an orange glow. "O-Of course, Saihara-kun," he replied, "lets move to Canada and get married! We can be in love! Forget high school, we can teach ourselves through the power of love!"

"I agree!" Saihara cried, "we can be happy together! I love you, Ouma-kun!"

Ouma buried his head in Saihara's chest. "I love you too, Saihara-kun! Let's be together forever!"

Suddenly a bright red car sped into view, kicking up dust and gleaming in the orange light. It slammed on the brakes in front of the two and the door swung open to reveal Amami wearing a pair of Gucci sunglasses. "Ouma-kun," he yelled happily, flipping his hair back dramatically, "I heard you were getting married so I bought you this Ferrari! Please don't ruin the seats!" He undid his seatbelt and jumped out. "Au revoir, best friend, and happy being married!"

"Thank you very much, Amami-kun," Saihara said with a smile. "We'll never forget you! We'll be sure to send letters from Canada!" He crawled into the driver's seat and turned the key. Ouma sat down in the passengers seat and turned to his fiancé in concern.

"Saihara-kun," he asked, "do you even know how to drive?"

"Of course not! Do I look eighteen to you?" He responded. "But still, I'm willing to break the law for you!"

Tears welled up in Ouma's eyes. "Thank you, Saihara-kun," he said, "I feel the same! Now let's go to Canada! We don't need a plane, let's let the power of love take us there!"

"Right!" Saihara cheered. "Let's!"

And so the two shut the car doors and drove to Canada to get married, fueled by their undying love for each other. They only needed each other to be happy, and happy they were. They sent Amami letters weekly and grew old together, running an orphanage until the day they died: in each other's arms during a house fire set by Harukawa.

Ouma opened his eyes and scanned the classroom, gaze scanning over the teacher and his classmates before falling on a note-taking Saihara's back.

" I love you, Ouma-kun! "

Ha. As if.

The second the bell rang the sound of chairs moving away from desks and fabric ruffling filled the classroom. Ouma stuffed his papers haphazardly into his bag before throwing it over the back of his chair and walking out of the room, ignoring the way the teacher protested.

He sighed in relief as soon as he was in the hallway. Being in the same class as Saihara was really... stressful, to say the least. Between dealing with stupid fantasies and stupid crushes, Ouma would rather staple his eyelids shut. Or die. Either option was better than trying to suffocate the butterflies in his stomach every time he saw the detective.

At least it was lunchtime. During lunchtime he could get away from his problems and make fun of Iruma. Not to mention he could steal scraps of food from his classmates, meaning he wouldn't have to waste money on buying lunch.

He swung open the doors to the back of the school and headed to his usual spot with Gokuhara, Iruma, Hoshi, and Shinguuji. Not that any of them were there yet.

Ah, whatever. They'd show up after placating the teacher on Gokuhara's part and yelling about going to take a break on Iruma's.

Ouma sat down next to the furnace and stretched his back. Pathetic, he thought. You can't even get Saihara-chan out of your head for a second.

The sound of footsteps came from around the corner and he moved to the side to see who it was. Hoshi gave him a wave as he walked into the small area that held the furnace.

"Oho, Hoshi-chan makes an entrance!" Ouma laughed, "but where are his groupies?"

The smaller boy sat down in his usual spot and pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. "Gokuhara and Iruma are still freaking out in the classroom. Shinguuji's on his way." He pressed one of them to his lips and flicked his lighter. "You want one?"

Ouma scoffed. "Hoshi-chan thinks so lowly of me? I'd never do such a thing! Unlike you, I'm a good boy!"

"So you want a light," Hoshi said.

"Ah, yes please!"

Hoshi passed him the item and Ouma moved to take a long drag of it. He sighed out the smoke and watched it swirl up into the air.

Shinguuji appeared around the corner and made his way to the two, holding a bento box in his hands. "Good afternoon," he said, "I see that you two are keeping up your poor habits."

Ouma cheerfully flipped him off before moving from his spot to sit next to the taller boy. After Shinguuji opened his lunch he picked a bit of rice from it.

"What's up, sluts!" A voice yelled, and none of the boys reacted as Iruma threw herself around the bend, dragging Gokuhara along with her. "Did ya miss me? Teach was being a real prick today, y'know? I was about to- oh, shit, are those smokes?"

Gokuhara's face drained of color. "S-Smokes?! Ouma-kun and Hoshi-kun are smoking again?!"

Ouma tapped the cigarette on the side of the furnace and watched as the ashes fell down. "Hey to you too, Iruma-chan, Gonta-chan."

"Yeah, yeah," the blonde waved him off. "What the hell're you doing? You said you'd stop that shit."

"Oh, I lied."

Gokuhara's eyes welled up with tears. "H-Hoshi-kun promised Gonta he would stop though..." The gentle giant moved his arm to push up his glasses and wipe his tears, sniffling into his sleeve.

Hoshi let out a breath of air and slammed the cigarette into the wall, putting it out in a second. The four teens blinked. He opened the door to the furnace and tossed it in. "Okay," he said, "sorry, Gokuhara. Won't happen again. Ouma, take these."

Ouma wheezed and took the pack from his hands. Then he burst into laughter. "Oh my god!!" He screamed, "oh, my god! Imagine being so gay-- I'm losing it!" He broke into coughs. Shinguuji patted his back comfortingly.

A smile broke out on Gokuhara's face. "Gonta is very relieved," he sighed, "he heard that smoking is bad for your lungs! So he wants Hoshi-kun to stop. Ouma-kun too!"

To spite him, Ouma blew a long breath of smoke into the air. Iruma scoffed. "You know he ain't gonna stop," she said, "he's probably been doin' it since he was a fuckin' sperm cell."

"Sperm cells cannot smoke, Iruma-san," Shinguuji replied, thumbing through a book on ancient foods. He'd probably pulled it from his pocket or something while they were arguing. Ouma snuck some more rice from his bento and put out his cigarette butt while he looked through the book with him.

Iruma seemed like she was about to punch the gangly boy. She sat herself down on the ground instead. "Shut the fuck up," she spat eloquently, "you know what I mean." A ring on her finger glinted in the sunlight when she pointed at him.

And, ah, wait. A ring? Ouma swallowed a mouth full of food and pointed at her hand. "Hm? What's this~?" He jeered before crawling towards her, seizing her hand from the air. She squeaked when he did. "Oh my! Iruma-chan, what a cute ring! I wonder where you got it from...?"

Iruma yanked her hand away from him, flustered. "Sh-Shut up! This... This is--!" She gripped her wrist in her other hand tightly, almost like it would just fall off if she let go. The cute ring wasn't on her finger anymore, though. Her eyes went wide and she snapped her gaze towards the small boy in front of her.

Ouma sat on his haunches, holding the little piece of jewelry between his fingers. It was... really cute, actually. There were small flowers engraved in the side of it and a small pink gemstone was set in the middle. The ring was a crisp silver with "Miu" carved on the inside.

"Huh?" Ouma muttered, turning it in one hand and holding a wailing Iruma back with the other. "Huh, huh, huuuuuh? This is super cute Iruma-chaaaaan! Who got it for you?" He moved it to his lips to bite down on it.

"Fucker!" Iruma finally pushed his arm away and leapt towards him, snatching the ring from him before he could bite it. The gem glittered in the light as Iruma looked over it before putting it back onto her finger. She sent a nasty glare towards her friend. "Don't touch my shit, shota! Besides, you don't bite silver, you bite gold!"

"She's right," Hoshi unnecessarily chimed in. He paused for a second. "Actually, you can bite silver, but still."

Ouma let himself fall back onto his butt and laughed. "For real though," he said cheerfully, "who got you the ring?"

The blonde girl squirmed where she sat. A bird called from somewhere in the schoolyard, followed by the sound of teenagers laughing. Sunlight bounced off of the top of the old furnace. Iruma sniffed as a bead of sweat ran down her face.

The four boys there with her watched, curious. Shinguuji's book made a quiet sound when he turned a page. Iruma swallowed and fiddled with the ring again. "A... Akamatsu," she murmured, and red exploded across her face.

Ouma blinked. "Really? How boring. I thought you would say Kiiboy got it for you or something." He pouted. "I'm disappointed."

"Wh-What?!" She shrieked, "you were the one who asked!" Her eyebrows pinched up, an exasperated expression covering her face.

"I don't know what you expected," Shinguuji said, not looking up from his book, "he's proven to do this sort of thing every time."

Well, that was certainly true. Maybe he was starting to get more predictable? That wasn't good. Not good at all! Ouma laid a hand over his forehead and gasped. "My," he lamented, "Shinguuji-chan! What an insult! Are-Are you calling me predictable?" Tears welled up in his eyes and Gokuhara gasped. "You're so cruel! It hurts for you to say that to me!"

"Oh no," Gokuhara whispered, eyes welling up with tears of his own. "Shinguuji-kun! P-Please apologize to Ouma-kun! He's crying!"

Iruma grit her teeth and picked him up by the scarf. "Bitch, stop faking! I ain't fallin' for it, and neither are those two limp dicks! You're just embarrassing yourself, shithead!"

The short boy's face fell flat, tears drying up instantly. He sighed, still being held up by Iruma. His eyes darted to the side before pulling back up to her face. Well, time for his most devastating comeback! A grin crossed lips. "No," he said, curt, "you."

Iruma's jaw dropped. "Did you just 'no you' me?! I'm gonna fuckin'--!!" Just before the blonde could "fuckin'--" the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. Ouma dropped back to the ground when he was suddenly let go of, and he gently straightened his scarf out.

Iruma frowned at him before standing up and dusting off her too-short skirt. She walked off briskly, muttering to herself. Gokuhara jumped up and reached for Ouma, extending a hand towards him. "Aw," the shorter cooed, pushing himself up and leaving his friend hanging, "thanks Gonta! You're so kind!"

"Right..." Gokuhara said, obviously uncomfortable. He pulled his arm back and fidget edited . "Did Ouma-kun need to be so mean to Iruma-san? She seemed upset..."

"It's better than calling her a slut or a whore," Hoshi replied, standing up. "You gonna keep those?" He pointed to the pack of cigarettes that had been left on the ground.

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Ouma grabbed them and slid them into his scarf. A real disappearing act, huh? Yumeno would be jealous.

Shinguuji stood up, bookmarking and closing his book before picking up his empty bento box. He nodded to his friends before leaving the furnace area. Hoshi followed after a second later, Gokuhara on his heels, and Ouma was left alone.

He looked up, squinting at the sunlight. Alone, huh? True enough. He was too much of an asshole to consistently make people happy, so that sort of friendship was pretty much unobtainable. Much less a relationship.

Tears welled up in his eyes from staring up into the bright light.

A sigh pulled from his lips.

He wasn't in the mood to go back to class.

Ouma walked into the classroom the next morning and received a total of fifteen unhappy looks. When he threw himself down into his seat Amami turned around in his own chair and pushed him his belongings. The look in his best friend’s eyes told him that they'd be having a long conversation sooner rather than later. He rolled his eyes at the green-haired boy and started to dig into his bag.

At least, he tried to. A sharp jab into his shoulder blade pulled his attention instead. Ouma looked back up from his school bag only to see his deskmate's face. Oh, great. How wonderful.

"Momota-chan. It's good to see you!" Ouma grinned weakly, "well, that's actually a lie. It's always unpleasant to see you. Anyways, what is it that you need?"

His classmate scowled at him. Ah, if he kept that up his face would freeze that way. Momota crossed his arms. "Where'd you go yesterday?" He growled, "Amami and Iruma were pissed off for the rest of the day."

"Okay?" Ouma said, "why's that matter to me? Or... were you worried for me? How sweet of you, Momota-chan!"

"How the hell did you get that from 'Amami and Iruma were pissed'...?"

Ouma ignored him and pulled his textbook from his bag. "Helloooo?" Momota waved his hand in front of the shorter's face. "Ouma? You there?"

Ouma knocked his arm down, now very aware of Saihara's eyes on the two of them from his seat next to Amami. "Yeah, I'm here," he fumbled. "Could Momota-chan leave me alone now? His idiocy is giving me hives."

Momota sputtered. “Idiocy can't give someone hives! And, oi, are you calling me stupid?!” The wannabe astronaut’s face was flushed with anger, and his voice was starting to get louder and louder. If he didnt put a stop to their argument, Ouma would either end up with a black eye or a write-up. And he had work later, so there was no way in hell he'd let himself get detention now.

"Ehh... what're you going on about," he said, waving the taller off. “I wasn't even talking to you, moron. Just go back to drawing dicks, or spaceships or whatever those are.” He dug a chewed up pencil out of his bag and pinched at the led to check if it was broken. It wasn’t, so Ouma propped his head up on his elbow, looking away from Momota, who just clicked his tongue at him.

From the seat ahead, Saihara sighed in relief. Ouma let a smile creep onto his lips. Crisis averted, in more ways than one.

#ndrv3 #saiouma #hate to tag it but i gotta bc that’s the content #but AUGGHHH I WANNA FINISH IT SO BAD!!!!! ITS CALLED OUMA GAY IN THE DOC HOW COULD I JUST ABANDON IT!!!!! #the robot can write #robophobia.txt #if the formatting is messed up in gonna Yell

[almaasi]

reaction post typed while watching SPN 14x06 “Optimism”

bisexual DEAN + COCKS, I cannot believe that actually happened

02:03pm

i’m a day late but SO READY

charlie and sam!!!! i saw a couple promos, one with a screaming girl and jack and dean (oh whoop just typing that makes me think of the youtube duo jack & dean, somehow i never noticed that before??)

i’m having trouble looking at screens and stuff (vestibulitis, i believe) so i’m nauseous and dizzy, and just gonna take breaks as needed~

-

02:07

rEALLY like the visual and sound edits on the recap !!!

......one minute later as the recap ends, i realise how ridiculous it is that i’m like “hey!!! the people who make this show professionally actually made something good!!!”

-

02:09

............ARE THEY KIDDING

ANOTHER ONE???? STRAIGHT OFF THE BAT????

YEAH OKAY

I’M HERE FOR IT

-

02:10

AND THE MICHAEL HAT

what is going on

old man clearly has the hearteyes for the girl who says hello EVERY SINGLE DAY ..... just sayin

-

02:12

am i just gonna see this entire season as a series of destiel aus now??? because now girl-cas is sorting books in the library and i am PUMPED

you sort those books girl!!!!! yeah!!!!!

-

02:13

the frills on her shirt look like wings

uuugrhguh i love this ??? because in a weird way it’s soooo damn close to seeing cas in a different costume

WISHLIST: PUT MISHA IN A FRILLY SHIRT

also adoring the fact they’re just going full-out with telling stories through fashion here.

like. i am a fan

-

02:16

“arbour, it’s me!!!”

“winston, god”

wait wait i gotta check who wrote this.

ahh steve yockey, good

i checked because i was like “wait, that doesn’t seem like the deadly duo writing style, or name choice”

now it makes sense

.........well her name was harper but close enough

-

02:18

how dare all three of these incredibly white people be so cute? why

-

02:20

wiNSTON IS THE CUTEST MOST ADORABLE HUMAN ON THIS PLANET

but given the nature of this show, that makes me suspect he’s a vampire or something

-

02:21

ohhhhkay that’s the music and the sequence from that spider man movie

-

02:22

now i think he’s gonna die

-

like. immediately

he’s gonna get hit by a car or something

oh god i can’t look

-

02:23

................................yup

-

02:26

jack: “maybe i’m allergic to sitting around doing nothing”

he is so much like cas

-

02:26

dean: “cas is an insurance policy on those hunts”

OH GOD NOW I JUST REALISED HOW BADLY I WANT AN EPISODE OF JUST CAS HUNTING BY HIMSELF AND SOLVING A CASE ALL BY HIMSELF

also with jack. and with dean and sam. but CAS ALL BY HIMSELF

-

02:28

h e l p

-

02:29

jack: “we can be hunting buddies!!”

dean: “okay. A) don’t call it that--”

that little nervous huff though

WHY DEAN? IS THAT WHAT YOU AND CAS CALL EACH OTHER WHEN YOU NEED TIME ALONE? “HUNTING BUDDIES”

-

02:33

“DICK’S RED ROOSTER DINER”

tell me that doesn’t sound like five-star “eat some penis cock here” signage

and dean drives up with his manly phallic symbol

-

02:37

i love this woman for making dean make this face

-

02:38

I GASPED OUT LOUD

ANYONE WHO DOUBTED ME ON THE PHALLIC DINER NAME BEING A BISEXUAL DEAN THING, CASE IN POINT

THAT IS THE MOST PHALLIC NON-PENIS OBJECT I HAVE EVER SEEN

(i have so many questions. did someone find it in a thrift store and keep it for years until they found the right way to use it? did they get it made specially? THAT THING EXISTED FOR THIS EXACT PURPOSE)

THERE’S A CAKE RIGHT THERE, WHICH IS A DEAN-LIKES-MEN THING (VS. DEAN-LIKES-WOMEN BEING PIE)

AND HE PUSHES IT AWAY WHEN THE LADY IS LIKE “DATING VS SEX, SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE THE SEX”

DEAN RESISTS THE SEX WITH MEN BECAUSE HE WANTS COURTING & DATING FIRST

WITH CAS

BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK ELSE

I am dying 

this symbolism is killing me

great!!!! i want to place an order for 3000 more of these please, thank you, i’ll pay in cash

fyi there is no doubt in my mind that dean is bi and knows it. he’s written as bi, the writers know it, the directors know it, the set decorators know it, and jensen knows it (he’s intelligent and he has a dirty mind, he knows exactly what that cock means. like, neither dean or jensen need need to know what “bi” means or remember what the flag looks like to know the concept and experience occasional attraction to men as a part of his personality)

-

02:52

sam: “that wing man was you”

charlie: “no it wasn’t”

rainbow in the background behind charlie’s head

no worries, she may be a different person but she’s still gay af

-

02:53

the love of charlie’s life was kara/cara

i’m taking notes

C UPCAKE BaKERY !!!

-

02:55

oh “tara” not kara or cara

.......oh man that is the worst backstory :c

-

02:57

trust dean to be surrounded by cocks and be like “but i like pie women”

shoutout to that lil pink sugar box on the left

-

02:59

headcanon: dean sniffs cocks before he puts them in his mouth

BUT SERIOUSLY THEY HAD HIM PUT A COCK IN HIS MOUTH. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. VISUALLY. WE JUST SAW THAT HAPPEN WITH OUR OWN EYES.

WOMEN PIE IN ONE HAND AND MEN COCK IN THE OTHER ARE YOU KIDDING ME

I’M FUCKING REELING HERE

DEAN IS THE MOST BISEXUAL

HE STARTS WITH THE WOMEN PIE BUT THEN HE’S LIKE YEAH OKAY I’LL TRY THIS MEN COCK ... PRETTY GOOD YUP

I DIDN’T THINK THEY’D EVER TOP THE CAKE=MEN THING BUT THEY DID. THEY EVEN PUT THE CAKE AND THE COCK TOGETHER TO PAIR THEM TOGETHER AS SIMILAR METAPHORS (SEEN IN THAT EARLIER SCREENSHOT)

I’M NEVER TAKING CAPS LOCK OFF AGAIN

no but actually 911 hello yes this is obscene

-

sidenote, this is reminding me slightly of my destiel chicken au Roost

three guesses why

-

03:07

jack: “no, you back off, old man”

FOR SOME REASON I’M HARDCORE ROOTING FOR JACK RIGHT NOW

EVEN THOUGH THAT CLEARLY HURT DEAN’S FEELINGS

-

03:12

harper’s apartment is #2

two people, takes two to tango

two of cups in tarot is new love/romance/relationship/friendship

-

03:17

harper and jack getting along

was harper meant to be a cas parallel or was the trenchcoat just a visual thing at the start? because she wore a completely different coat when he brought jack to her place

i considered that her thing with the old man, paired with jack calling dean “old man” maybe made it a “dean’s getting older but cas is immortal” thing which makes me VERY SAD

-

did dean just call vance “archie” ? as in archie comics? as in riverdale?

-

i feel like there’s some form of symbolism in another man wrestling dean so he goes tumbling into a waterfall of romance novels

-

03:32

“a brass nail dipped in sugar water can kill it”

sooooooo... something brass covered in soda

(edit: or just shoot it, okie dokie)

-

03:37

harper: “it’s a little game we play”

well i mean... if you’re gonna be undead and magic, then this does seem like a fun kinky thing

seducing other boys and killing them

sure

-

03:45

dean: “you know, jack, you’re pretty smart sometimes”

yeah

i love them both <3

also when dean said “love gets crazier that that” i expected jack to ask dean if he’d ever been in love

-

03:47

OH MAN

that was a great episode 10/10 easily. my favourite episode from this season so far

my favourite part was dean + all the cocks

best part was sam comparing charlie to the musca and convincing her to stick around

i LOVED the two hunts, and getting to see two different teams doing unrelated things but enjoying both

i like that harper didn’t die

i love that charlie and sam saved the black guy and he didn’t die

idek what else to say, this was a fine piece of writing

and i can’t even complain about a lack of representation, really, since everyone besides dean/sam/jack either turned out dead or evil and that would just add to the representation problem

(BUT WHERE WAS CAS????????????? WHERE WAS CAS????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? LITERALLY DON’T EVEN KNOW)

I am worried about jack but know he’ll ultimately be fine

I WILL NEVER BE OVER THE BISEXUAL DEAN THING THOUGH

THAT WAS A PYRAMID OF PURE 22 CARAT GOLD AND I LOVE EVERYONE WHO HAD A HAND IN CREATING THAT FOREVER. especially director richard speight jr, since i have the feeling he mostly concocted this himself since it was 100% visual and maybe not even in the script and he’s done unscripted penis jokes before

#14x06 #optimism #Steve Yockey #Richard Speight Jr #Dean is bisexual #spn spoilers #season 14 #Elmie watches things #post of postiness #dick jokes

[hmmihaventdecidedyet]

I posted 19,619 times in 2021

9 posts created (0%)

19610 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 2178.9 posts.

I added 43 tags in 2021

#what the fuck - 7 posts

#in other lands - 6 posts

#yep - 5 posts

#yes - 5 posts

#luke sunborn - 4 posts

#elliot schafer - 4 posts

#aromantic - 3 posts

#oh no - 3 posts

#iol - 3 posts

#no - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#i’m okay with that mostly but only if it’s a ship i like and/or i can interpret it as like an impulsive “i love the way you’re having sex

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Writing prompt!

It’s the year 3000 (or whatever year), and evolution has made it so that everyone in the world can time travel. People have known this was coming for thousands of years, because children have a habit of randomly popping into important discussions of world leaders and demanding things that have not been invented yet.

This is the story of an average person in an average job. Timothy Smith (or whatever name) works for the Time Guide Union, in the year of 1523, where he helps out and takes note of any of the following:

-Children who have travelled there as a prank, or to avoid chores

-Records of important historical events

-Lost people

-Elephants that have shown up when they were not supposed to (this has happened more times than you’d think)

-Toddlers that haven’t yet controlled their time travelling

-Unusual things

Also, I have like 50 headcanons about this world, so I’m going to list a couple:

-There are more than 50 major languages (dead and alive) taught to students. Chinese, Hindi, English, Arabic, Spanish, French, Latin, Ancient Greek, and Egyptian are mandatory

-It’s a custom for babies and children to have arm bands with the year, and their full name, address, and parent’s full name, just in case they accidentally time travel away from the parent

-Historians have been trying to get people to stop changing history, but no one really listens. It’s not that big of a deal, anyway... right?

-Time police!

-A popular trend now is for teens to dress up in insane costumes and appear in front of someone from the past, just to freak them out. Alternatively, it’s a trend to dress up like someone from an era long gone, and try to fit in for a few days

-Once they’re old enough, teachers take kids on field trips to historical events. This has become popular enough that the historic people involved are used to it

1 notes • Posted 2021-02-19 16:34:10 GMT

#4

I need some arophobic insults/things an aro person who doesn’t know they’re aro and thinks they’re “broken” might say to themself, for something I’m making for ASAW

2 notes • Posted 2021-02-25 02:52:43 GMT

#3

Gen Z culture is doing something unhealthy, and not taking any criticisms or attempts to help, and then forcing your friend to take the help when they do it

42 notes • Posted 2021-02-09 03:22:46 GMT

#2

I WAS JUST INFORMED THAT WHEN YOU PUT LGBTQ+ LABELS IN THE TAGS, THEY TURN GRADIENT!!

50 notes • Posted 2021-05-03 16:00:36 GMT

#1

Fresh Pickled Toads

Written for the @drarrymicrofic prompt, Love Letters (and Laugh, from last month)

They’d been dating for exactly two months before Draco admitted that he’d written the god-awful love poem of Harry’s second year.

”I was going through an artistic phase! I was twelve!”

”You—“ here Harry had to pause because he was laughing too hard — “You compared my eyes—“ he wheezed— “To toads! Pickled ones!”

“Fresh pickled toads are important and rare potions ingredients! They’re used in inner beauty potions! It’s romantic!”

”Draco, who even—“ Harry giggled — “Who even knows about inner beauty potions?! How and why did you know about inner beauty potions at twelve?” Draco flushed a brilliant red, and Harry thought he had never looked more adorable. Or, he would have thought that if he‘d had any brain-space left to do anything but laugh.

”Oh, laugh it up, Chosen One. You thought Ginevra Weasley wrote that! No one on the Light side called Voldemort the Dark Lord!”

”Draco, you said Ginny wrote that!“

Draco sniffed. “Classic diversionary tactics. I couldn’t let you know your nemesis had written it, after all, could I have?” ”Di— Divers-“ Harry dissolved into laughter, making one last valiant attempt at speaking. “Diversionary tactics? We were in second year!”

“I was a very advanced child,” Draco said, crossing his arms. ”Unlike you, I might add. Have you aged at all past seven?” Draco tried to sneer, but his lips betrayed his smile.

”Oh, come here, you dramatic ponce.“

187 notes • Posted 2021-06-03 16:07:04 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#my 2021 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[christimesteele]

Transcript - Time Talks Ep 40 - Melancholy Joy Mixtape ft. carla joy bergman

Transcripts for Time Talks Ep 40 - Melancholy Joy Mixtape w ...

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

song, melancholy, music, joy, talking, people, melancholic, love, feel, listening, thought, big, play, life, hear, playlist, sad, carla, called, sole

SPEAKERS

Tracy Chapman, Pet Shop Boys, Holy Cole, Sade, Burial, Final Straw Podcast, Bobs Your Uncle, Sole, Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush, SBTRKT (feat. Sampha), Chris, carla, Andre 3000 - Me&My, Time  me, Jason/Maudlin Magpie & produced by A Thousand Vows, chris, Juice WRLD, Nat King Cole., Organized Konfusion

 chris time steele 00:04

Welcome to Episode 40 of the time talks podcast part of the channel zero network. This episode I'm joined by another channel zero network member. My wonderful friend carla bergman. carla is co-author of Joyful Militancy with Nick Montgomery. carla edited the book Radiant Voices and put together the Emma Talks series, and collaborated on the work Pandemic Solidarity. Along with being an author carla is a filmography checkout joyful threads productions. On top of that, check out the podcast carla collaborates on. There's the Silver Threads podcast and the Grounded Futures podcast. These links are in the show notes. For this episode, we had a conversation and put together a playlist on the topic of melancholy joy, sharing some of our stories and the ways we use music to navigate life and living. Thank you to Awareness for the music and here's a brief jingle from a fellow channeled zero network member.

 Final Straw Podcast  00:59

The final straw is a weekly anarchist radio show. It's fucking awesome and you're never gonna hear me say fucking awesome on our show. Because we're FCC regulated, there's a black part of my heart that that just flutters when you when you talk like that. Talk, then more yelling. it's a weird sort of like nice thing in a way but also can get kind of crushing at times the finalstrawradio.noblogs.org

 chris  01:32

I just wanted to begin and say that you're a wonderful writer, poet, curator, conductor, filmographer, author, revolutionary, Joyarchist, artist, kinetic thinker and so much more and just wanted to thank you for doing this Melancholy Joy Mixtape. I was wondering if you could kind of open with what you kind of frame what melancholy joy is? Because when you first mentioned it to me, just the phrase put together a lot of things that in a way that I like sad music and how sad music brought me relief, and how I've been attracted to two minor notes and all that and just the vibe so I really meant a lot to me when you mentioned it to me.

 carla joy bergman  02:14

That's really nice. It's an honor  to be here. Thank you. And I would repeat all that back to you, that you are too - kinetic thinker and Joyarchist, and all that.. thank you means a lot. I'm a bit nervecited as the My Little Pony say, Just give me a second. Yeah, if it's okay if I can give a little bit of a historical story around it because it like everything with me and always has this like, aha moment. So similar. I've always been attracted to sad music. And it was actually we have a radio station in Canada, that's, I guess, a public radio called CBC and did really good shows on it. And there was an episode on this idea of melancholy music, and so I was what's that? And of course, they talked about Joni Mitchell a lot, a Canadian sweetheart. And I was like, yeah, that's real. And they had said the person I can't even remember who was on probably a musician in Canada, but they said, you know, melancholy just means a thoughtful sadness. And I was like, Oh, yeah, that's what I am. I'm like, thoughtfully sad. But as time went on, I went through just stuff that was happening on the global like, collective grief 911 happened, some other stuff, some personal stuff. I really noticed that through all my sad periods of time, I always had a belly full of joy. Best way to describe it, I just, Joy's just really, really big in me. So I thought about a decade later, I I think I tried to create a handle on Twitter, melancholy joy, but I had done a few forums, online forums... And a part of it was because, I had a bit of a judgment that if you weren't melancholic, you weren't paying attention to the world, and but that you could still have a thriving life. So it has a kind of a political resonance to it like it will not even it went beyond music. The story moves into militant joy,  because militant, to me is more has more power, I guess, or more collective power. It's more active than melancholy. But the pandemic hit again, or hit and melancholy really resurfaced in my life. Collectively, I could feel that collective grief. And I was just really attracted again to listen to melancholy joy music and, really listening to your album that you put out this year. reignited that again in me and I think that's why I said sent it to you because I was like, Oh, this is melancholy, joy, music, then your newest one that you've put out.

 chris  04:44

Thank you so much. That's so kind. And I also see the phrase you use of melancholic hope. And that's a really powerful word too. And I think that's kind of what you find in the melancholy joy is this hope of kind of listening to sad music or music that helps you reflect and re energize yourself again, and there's a hope in melancholy, of just even being able to verbalize or feel that you're melancholic is the hope because you're able, then you're reflecting and saying, like, I'm sad, I have sadness and anger. And I'm able to work with those now, and kind of water those seeds to work through problems. And I think that's one thing that music does so well.

 carla  05:30

Yeah, I love that. Nick Montgomery, who co wrote joyful militancy started talking about Empire and joy, and our book, using music as an example. And that Empire has this really loud music that's really loud and drowns everything else out. And when I started, when you asked me to do this show, I was like, Oh, I wonder how melancholy joy music fits into disrupting that, because one of the things that I added to the conversation was that it's, the problem is listening. It's not so much that it's louder. I think that we, all the other music or other sounds are the other ways of talking with each other is there, it’s present. And there's something about that melancholic hope, like you say that it's there. Like the possibilities are there, the seeds are there, and they just need us to water them, as you so graciously said to me once, that I loved. Yeah, so yeah, I love that.

 chris  06:23

Yeah, what you say of how it's there. That's really, I feel the explanation and so hard to explain it with melancholy joy in those terms, like it's something that's there, it's something you can feel, and it's like a vibe, and joyful militancy. I really liked the quote from Glen Coulthard. When you mentioned you all had mentioned that he put his finger on something of sadness and anger and how they often stem from love. And just a little bit of this quote is: "I think that for the somber, melancholic militant, I get it, I understand it, how could you not be, and this is my point, the only way you respond to the world like that is because of some base sort of individual and collective self respect, some love for oneself and others, were the land that you are being violated in a profound way. This produces melancholy, anger, whatever, they're not separable." And I really thought that that whole quote is just powerful. And for anyone who has a book, it's on page 175. So there's no citation violations there.

 carla  07:27

Nope. You can also get the book for free online.

 chris  07:32

Yeah, I wanted to. I really thought that that quote was, he added more to this conversation too.

 carla  07:38

Thanks for finding it. I need to put his whole interview up. It's so incredible.

 chris  07:43

That'd be awesome.

 carla  07:44

Yeah, that's really good. Because we interviewed him, obviously, because he talks about resentment and anger so much. And it was, like affirmative theory. It includes anger and  rage. It's not negation, right, like, negation something else. And so I, thank you for bringing him in. Because I think that's a really important distinction about where melancholy fits into the conversation right now. I worked really hard to not be a melancholic person. So it's like dang, it's back again.

 chris  08:17

Well, yeah, I hope it's like a productive melancholy joy. I mean, that's what I wanted. That's what I really felt with this mixtape. And then it brings up deeper discussions on our end.  And, feelings and, and just other reactions that I feel are productive in thinking deeper about society. And a lot of these things are produced from such a disgusting messed up society, at least with my picks that helped me find ways to navigate through these parts of society. So before we start, I was just going to just give a little intro on why I picked these, a whole foundation of how I picked them. And I just wanted to say that I framed how I picked my choices with assuming that there's a lot of nuances and and I'm sure that's why you picked yours as well, that they have nuances that they're not just the songs but they relate to life, your life and timeline. And I picked these songs for a few reasons. For one, they may sound like they're more melancholy songs, but they bring joy and solace. They are often songs I go to when I feel no more hope or little hope, songs I go to, to recharge, to recalibrate, to keep reminding myself that I'm not going to feel this way forever. And along with these choices, when I'm stressed I often find I get attached to a song and it becomes my crutch. I don't know if you're that way. They become my friend when I'm lonely and alienated, usually from work and ironically self imposed isolation that I often do unknowingly and then realize  ...these were also songs that were some of my only friends during tough times that helped me build me back up again. Hopefully they can be tools for others and spark other discussions, another playlist like this.

 carla  10:02

Oh, that's really beautiful. Thank you. Yeah, definitely some of that. For me the friend part for sure. The helping me move through like, I think melancholy is something that is imposed on us from the conditions of the world we're living in. And I think joy maybe is something that's within us that we can... Ursula Le Guin in the dispossessed talks about it as something that you can't control at all, It just will come in and do its thing and leave. I just really love that distinction. It was the seed for me thinking about joy differently. So yeah, when I think with my playlists, there's a couple things. I physically get affected when I'm sad. So my body gets, I get sick. I can't move. So for me, music has to have an element that makes me move. And I think that joy moves - when I move it moves with me or it moves first. I don't know what you know, is what comes first. But the music definitely, because thinking about like, part of whether it's collective or individually, like we try to find some harmony, and you think about that in terms of music, right? Like, what is that about? Like, what was that? What are we looking for ourselves, when we're not doing well, when were depleted and stagnated? and sad? Yeah, so I think that, that played like a role. I also thought about my personal journey in terms of finding freedom within myself. From stagnant music, what do you call it? First Family, our family of origin stuff that I needed to get away from some of those songs are about that and becoming a parent. I have like a definitely a theme of Don't tell me what to do. And I don't want to grow up. I think all of that kind of fits in. And it's kind of covering up Mushishi

 chris  11:49

Yeah

 carla  11:49

Because it's connected. I have a question for you before we maybe share playlists but I was rewatching Mushishi, maybe you can explain what Mushishi is after people need to but just google it. It's an animation. It's beautiful. Zen Buddhist healer Guy Ginko. But one of the episodes was about I think it's like the second or third one of the first season. I'm not gonna go into details of it because it's a small part of the story but Mushi comes in... mushi are these things that are not human, they are not fauna or flora, they're in between. And it comes into when there's no sound around. It burrows into the human's ears and eats their sound. I don't know if you remember that one. But, so it made me think about like, what is my sound? because I think this is connected to what music I'm drawn to. Because maybe that counterpoint or, or where's the harmony, from my sound to the sound from music. And in the show the woman who talks about it, her sound is lava, which is really intense sound to have to live with, holy. I asked my friend in Japan if it's a Japanese thing, and she said it's not but maybe regionally. I tried to find it, but there's probably not an English translation for it. But it feels pretty human. Like, I think it's pretty pan human probably that we can think about this. So I was thinking about like, my sound feels like if I feel into it, it's like the wind is collaborative. It's like the wind off of like a soft ocean, but it it has to go up into the trees too,  like it's like this.woosh woosh. So when I thought about all the music I picked, I could hear it, I could feel it in it. So I'm curious if you've ever thought of that? Do you have a sound?

 chris  13:34

That's an awesome question. I love the wind that you're talking about. The wind. I like wind in music. Sometimes I hear that a lot like Kate Bush's music, she creates these atmospheres. And a lot of her songs are about the mountain to go on top of the mountain. I would say a sound that I really resonate with is something I resonate most with is rain. So in a lot of my lyrics I'll use different words for rain like the typewriter rain tapped on the roof or the Fred Astaire rain or something like I'm always trying to get back to rain and I find it comforting and I live in a desert in so called Denver so we don't get a lot of rain. And, I also I like water too, sounds of water I find that calming, in Mushishi really has its soundtrack is very calming to the Anime. And I think it's the episode you're talking about when the mushi is in the pillow and going into people's ears, and the mushi turns into almost like conjis and it's dancing and going into people's ears or something. That one is so powerful. And one thing I really like about Ginko is he kind of does this mutual aid where he's going around town to town just helping people in educating and he's very introverted, he's not the most outwardly kindest person but Ginko has so much love in him. He just has a different way of his love language speaking.

 carla  14:20

Yeah, everyone should watch Mushishi, or read the manga because they're equally as good if you need books.

 chris  15:08

So good. Yeah, I love it.

 carla  15:11

Yeah. And I think, yeah, we could we could do a whole show on Ginko

 chris  15:16

That would be great.

 carla  15:17

Because, ok just real quick the thing I always tell people why they should watch it is because there's no there's no judgment on the mushi or on the person who has it. The only judgment really is the people who don't help the person who's not well, that's the only time I see Ginko get upset with somebody is when they've done the wrong thing in terms of helping somebody, like they've judged them or something. And we could just all embody a bit of that we'd have a better world. You know?

 chris  15:42

Yeah, I love that. I love that interpretation.

 carla  15:45

Also, I need to say because any of my friends who are listening in family, I need to respond and say that rain is like, my favorite thing in the world. I did a whole project called rain. It stood for radical art in nature.

 chris  15:58

I love that

 carla  16:02

Yeah. rain is and I live in a rainforest. So I get a lot of rain. Yeah. So much of my son's music, Zach's music has rain in it. I am with you on that one.

 chris  16:12

That doesn't surprise me. We have so many commonalities.

 carla  16:15

I know.

 chris  16:16

So I'm gonna start with Bob's, Talk to the Birds by Bob's Your Uncle.

 carla  16:22

Okay, so this came out in 1985. I was living in so called Victoria, which is like the capital of British Columbia. And I was 18 just going on 19 and I hung out at a punk bar. With all the punk bands that played there that came through No means No, Dagloabortions, a lot of local people, but also Black Flag came through and so on and so forth. And when Bob's your Uncle came through, it was so exciting. First of all, a woman front person was really quite rare. A woman of color was even more rare in punk. And they were just they talk about joy, but it was also about feeling alienated as young people and poor people. And so it had that melancholic energy to it. And I bought their tape and I had a little yellow Walkman and I played it so much that it died. And she's at she's went on Sook Yin Lee has gone on to be she was like a vj for Much Music, which is the Canadian version of MTV which was really big back, and she was in Shortbus the movie. Now she's on CBC and does other stuff but yeah, I talked to birds I still do. I still talk to the birds.

 Bobs Your Uncle  17:35

SONG: Talk To The Birds

 chris  21:12

I love that song. When I heard this song, it really made me think just like the rebelliousness of school at first. Kind of imagine the teacher and then ditching class and then getting your real class from talking to some birds, or your real education from leaving school and going into nature. Also thought of it as an overarching ideology as well.

 carla  21:40

Oh, yeah, say more

 chris  21:42

Or just, they'll tell you, they tell you to do this, they say do this. But usually everything that they tell you to do with an ideology or hegemony is some form of coercion to get you to start renting somewhere, because you need to have all of these things, but you have to sell your time and your body for money. And people will tell you, well, if you don't have enough money, ideology, and capitalism says well get two jobs, you know, and they are always telling you something that's going to lead to more coercion instead of any form of liberation.

 carla  22:19

Yeah, they're really fun. People should look them up. They have this one song. If I knew  baking a cake or something. It's probably a cover. If I knew you were coming I’d have baked a cake. You know that song?

 chris  22:30

Oh, yeah.

 carla  22:31

 Yeah, they do it really well

 chris  22:33

Anything else you want to add on that song?

 carla  22:36

Oh, just I mean, I think like, the big thing was that they were just, it was just really great to encounter them during a time when punk was really important to me. But alongside that in a city that racism is really, really ramped. I was just everywhere, Victoria is very British. Like you cannot always tell the difference between the skinheads and the punks. So I don't know. They were just really great.

 chris  23:02

That's awesome. Thank you for showing me their music. Okay, so this song is by Organized Konfusion. Who is Prince Poetry and  Pharoahe Monch. And they're, they're an older group. And Pharoahe Monch has turned out to be one of my favorite lyricists when I got older. And Prince Poetry was amazing. And this song is probably one of my biggest go tos when just feeling down or, or depressed or existential. Yeah, that song is just really deep. And it talks about these two fetuses inside of their mother. And they're kind of just rapping about life.

 Organized Konfusion  24:07

SONG Invetro

 carla  24:33

I love that one really speaks to that power of the joy. You know? Despite everything, be curious and dream. I Love it. And it also makes me want to move, which is like my criteria for melancholy joy music.

 Chris  27:44

It's a great beat. I love it. And one of the lines that when I was re listening to this song is by Prince poetry, he says, “overshadowed in darkness where curiosity is my light.” And I just love that bar so much. And it reminded me of our conversation. But like the deeper, like a deeper meaning to this song is I don't know, it just makes me think about mortality a lot. And when my mom was pregnant with me, she smoked. And the whole time I resonated with what Pharoahe Monch was talking about. And he was born with asthma, actually. And I think he struggles with that during shows but is an amazing performer. And then another thing is when my mom I think was about eight, nine months pregnant, she fell down the stairs. And she landed on her stomach. And she was bleeding profusely and she was crying. She's freaking out. She went to the hospital. And the doctor told her that her baby was dead, which was me. And she needed to have it removed. And she was just in shock. So she left the hospital and was like, oh, I'll deal with this tomorrow. And then when she went back to her own doctor, they were like, No, your baby's alive has a heartbeat. So it must have been knocked out or something. I don't know.

 carla  29:15

Wow, that is beautiful.

 chris  29:17

Yeah. crazy story.

 carla  29:21

So my mom was told that I wasn't gonna I was dead too. I wasn't gonna live.

 chris  29:26

Wow. And

 carla  29:30

yeah. She didn't have an accident. I was like, it was just, it was a situation and during labor. And they had to make a decision to save her or me, they chose her because obviously she had four children.

 chris  29:44

Wow. Amazing. Thank you for sharing that story. That's so powerful

 carla  29:50

Well same, I guess we really needed to be here.

 Chris  29:55

Yeah,

 carla  29:55

or wanted to be here

 chris  29:56

Alright, so I'm going to play the next song, which is Don't Give Up by Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush.

 carla  30:03

I mean, first of all, that hug in the video, just the beauty of the like friendship that they have for each other and the intimacy that's just so pure. I tried to post it early on in the pandemic, because I was like, Who else needs to see this all the time? But I kept getting taken down because I didn't have rights to it. But, yeah, it's kind of like an ethos that's run through my life. I even had a campaign during the Thistle days that I went around to all the schools me my friend, I probably shouldn't say whatever, it doesn't matter. We had stickers that said, don't give up quit. Because to me, it's like part of not giving up is not giving up on yourself. And so that means you sometimes gotta quit a whole pile of things. Especially with young people I like to frame it that way. And yeah, this song just when I'm at my like, lowest lowest point I always go to it I mean, I Gabriel is just so important when I was a teen and Kate Bush especially later on... also other people who have performed it with it. I loved it too like Paula Cole, who was his backup singer for years and then went on to her own career. Yeah, just, it's just a it's a it's a love story about friendship. I think a lot of people think it's about a romantic relationship but I mean she she even talks about like what your your your friends we have you we got you, you know? Yeah, somebody on the brink helped remember that friends. It's so good.

 Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush  31:30

SONG: Don't Give Up

 37:22

Yeah, I love this song

 chris  37:24

Yeah, I love this song and I really hadn't really heard it much until you had mentioned it to me. And I've been listening to it all week. And yeah, you're right. It's like a love story about friends. So cool and people need to hear those words don't give up but they also need to hear you worry too much. Just move on with it. So those messages

 carla  37:48

Yeah, and on a personal trajectory like that last part. When Gabriel goes into the big reveal walking across the bridge like that. I listened to that probably on repeat when I was making the decision to leave my family behind. And like I would put it on my headphones and walk over these bridges. Like, act it out, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. So yeah, just like finding belonging. They talked about that in the song. It's so powerful. And what gets me is that it is still powerful, you know, after all these years, because it's speaking to our alienation from each other. And

 chris  38:28

Yeah, that's how you know, it's, it's so real. I think another thing really cool about Kate Bush, and she actually incorporates her family a lot in her music. You know, her son was the one who encouraged her to go back into performing live again. And then she has him on her last live album. He's singing like three different songs with her. And I didn't know he was the one who made her start doing live shows again, and his voice is awesome, too.

 carla  38:55

Thanks for sharing that I had no idea about that. And of course, as you know, I collaborate with my kids so that..my eldest had everything to do with helping you pick out this list.

 chris  39:07

Exactly. It made me think about that.

 carla  39:09

And that's really nice. And he's actually a huge Kate Bush fan bigger than me, so that's really nice. I wonder if he knows he probably does. Sole actually texted me the other day and said, it must be amazing to collaborate with your kid like, holy shit.

 chris  39:26

This song is by Andre 3000 from OutKast, and he's taken a big hiatus, aside from doing features and stuff. He's been just learning to play the clarinet and diving into jazz more, but he came back and did this song, I believe with James Blake, who did the piano and the song is another song that I go to. It's a heartbreaking song called Me and My To Bury Your Parents.

  Andre 3000 - Me&My  40:05

SONG: Me and My

 carla  43:48

I had never heard that song until I saw your list and it's really sad. But also has this thread of like I can feel the light in it , and the joy. I mean, personally, it may not think about my parents, but it made me think about my eldest brother who died. Who was like my... there's the chorus of me and my and my and they don't say, he doesn't say anything else. Oh, yeah, that. 

 Chris  44:14

Yeah. And when you mentioned that, I noticed today that he goes, me and my mother. At the end, he goes, me and my mother, me and my father, me and my, me and, and then me as he ends it, and I had never noticed that breakdown until today. It was like, gave me goosebumps.

 carla  44:36

Totally.

 chris  44:37

Yeah, and it's such a heartbreaking song. But yeah, you're right. It has this joy in it. It has this nostalgic joy of even though, you know, he had to bury his parents. He has these memories and he has love with them. And as we talked about, time not being linear, so much. That's the beauty of nostalgia and the beauty of music that can conjure those time frames.

 carla  45:01

You have an album called Newstalgia, did you come up with that?

 chris  45:05

Like at the time I thought I did, but I don't know if I really did. Because I think there's even a producer or a rapper that goes by the name Newstalgia

 carla  45:13

Right. Well, first of all, I heard it. And what I liked about it, I think there's an eagle right over my head. PS like, five inches. Okay, we talked about this a lot on this Silver Threads podcast, because I'm really interested in like, grabbing stuff from like, from the past and the future. But making sure we weave it into right now in the present. And newstalgia just captures that in a way that I hadn't really, I didn't have a word for it. I was just like, grab the thread from there and there and make a thing. And that's what I hear in the song. It's really great.

 chris  45:56

Yeah, that was my exact thought with the album. I was like, I’m such a loser. I'm always like, with nostalgia. I'm always going towards it. It's like, but you have to love the present too. And I was like, what if I you know, the present could feel like nostalgia. If you were making those, those memories and those feelings and feeling them as nostalgia feels in the present. I feel there's a danger of just going to nostalgia all the time.

 carla  46:24

Totally. Yeah.

 chris  46:25

At least for me.

 carla  46:26

Same, that's where depression links. lingers. Yeah.

 chris  46:32

Okay, we're going to go to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

 carla  46:36

We won't play this whole song.. cry. Well, first of all, Tracy Chapman is like, where I really learned my politics. You know, like, you know, I grew up in around a lot of punk music and stuff, but I have a joke where like, there's sex pistol anarchism, and then there's anarchism, right? Or anti authoritarianism or whatever. Anyways, Tracy is like her music just educated me in a way that the other punk didn't - she's just incredible. I saw her live. It was like the best thing ever, outside... And this song as someone who grew up pretty poor in a dysfunctional home and when I met my partner like it's just our song just everything about it. And you know, it is our trajectory like if he could just like give me the foundation I will take us places kind of thing and even after it's been moving together over 30 years and we still like hear it and go it's feels like yesterday, but we had to take this leap of faith together and run away or run towards joy in our life and yeah, it's just I think it's like a pinnacle melancholy joy song because it's a lot of loss wrapped up in it but it's also about freedom and liberation and finding your way.

 Tracy Chapman  48:37

SONG Fast Car

  chris  52:00

I love that song. The way that she goes from narration to heart so effortlessly is just amazing. I love the lyrics so much. And I was wondering when you said that, along with punk because I know you have a history with the punk scene, the different branches that Tracy Chapman gave you maybe with like a political vocabulary or outlook?

 carla  52:26

Right, I mean, I guess it was just, you know, to borrow the phrase intersectionality I mean, that it had also had especially to that album, like it had a lot about forgiveness on it and love. And yeah, finding the path towards liberation versus just always in fighting against or negation. And that was something I really needed.  You know, early on, when my brother was into punk, I used to say, I don't know how you can listen to this. It's just all negative. And like, No wonder you're depressed all the time. Like, you know, I listened to The Police instead. This is like 77/78. So finding her like she had that kind of like, you know, things are bad. Call things what they were, she was, you know, obviously, pointing out the horrors of the world. But within this framework of a container of like love and kindness, forgiveness, that was really beautiful. Like the other song on the album, though. Chris, my partner, when I met him he had played on the guitar. Three of the songs he played and sang.

 chris  53:35

No way. That's awesome.That's so cool.

 carla  53:40

I don't know. What about you? 

 chris  53:42

When I first heard this song, it really brought out a lot of the just the stories that you don't often hear about, of a really just class issues. And of course, race and white supremacy tied into these. But when you hear the the one that really resonates with me is the man who was drinking becauses his body, he felt had no more use, but his he was much too young for how his body looked... that's so powerful, just that, that phrasing of the way that she took it. And it really just made me think of when I worked in the Union. I worked in the stagehands Union for a while, right before COVID or year before COVID. And I was on the carpet duty which was a horrible thing. So I would lay miles of carpet a day in the convention centers for Comic Cons and stuff. And these guys that I worked with that had been there for years, they could only be comfortable when they were laying carpet when they were trying to walk out to the light rail station, it brought them horrible pain to walk and they had their legs had so much arthritis and stuff and these guys weren't even that old. It really, that lyric really resonated with me when I heard this again.

 carla  54:56

Yeah, yeah, the working class stuff was really. It's a big part of why that song works for us.

 chris  55:03

Do you want to add on this?

 carla  55:06

Just that it had the theme of finding belonging again, which was like oh, there's that that's probably what's underneath all of my play song

 chris  55:14

this story behind this song too, that you shared. So I'm gonna play the next song is miserabilism by Pet Shop Boys

 Pet Shop Boys  58:12

SONG: Miserabilism

 chris  59:20

The way I got into this song was actually when I started working from home during COVID. I've been laid off from my other job, and I started at the call center job I was talking about. And this was like a hellacious job in between calls which was usually only about 20 seconds. I would throw on I was like I'm gonna try to get through all these discographies of people I like, and I was like I was going through Pet Shop Boys, I had never heard the song it was on some B-side and I was like this song is amazing. It's because I've always thought that the whole Disney narrative has messed up so many people of this capitalist thing of working hard. There's someone for everyone you'll find love, all these things. They create a golden, a gold plated lust. That is a form of what they call love, and dusted with capitalism or something like that. And when he's talking about just that life will be disappointing and all these things and not having expectations. It's just so well said and comforting. I found, especially while working in a call center.

 carla  1:00:25

Yeah, thanks for sharing that story and re-listening to that and hadn’t listened to it years, but there was a line in it. I think, I  hope, it's in it. Oh, my gosh, it made me think: I wonder if this was some seeds around the melancholy thing of being like wearing it as a badge of honor because it there's that line where just for the sake of it, make sure you're always frowning It shows the world you're got substance and depth. Like I was quite judging of you if people were not melancholy. I was like, You can't be paying, you're just not paying attention. How many people are suffering?

 chris  1:00:58

Yeah, that's actually yeah, that's the third verse. Yeah, it's it's one of my favorite lines, because it's just it's funny for one, but then yeah, it's kind of deep too. And it's like, there's a lot of people who, and I know there's so much to you know, different neuro divergence of sometimes people who smile the most are actually very depressed. I just like how he plays with this whole thing of you have to show that if you see someone frowning,  they understand this philosophy of miserabilism. There's no happy endings just a message to depress and it's so funny and true.

 carla  1:01:35

And it has a beat that makes you move so that the joy can move. Yeah, they always said the great dancy beats. Okay, so now we're going to Nat King Cole. Song Nature Boy. Oh, I didn't have the song on my first playlist. I think first one, I sent to you didn't have this. I do have it on the large original one. But I was on a walk with Zach and  he reminded me that I sing the song all the time.  When I am not doing well. And also because like love was like the thing like you centering everything in love is what actually got you healthy. It's not It's not about the negative and fighting back and Don't tell me what to do and don't want to do this and I don't want to it was all about actually more affirmative and really big fan of Moulin Rouge, seen it more than I want to admit and including seeing it in San Francisco at the Castro with everyone's with a sing along. So the song is just incredible and because there is the melancholic energy throughout it but you know, the message is so short and so quick, but it's everything.

 Nat King Cole.  1:02:44

SONG: Nature Boy

 chris  1:05:10

I think that is just such good advice, this song and I wish I would have heard this when I was young. The the message is so powerful. Oh, you were speaking of the Moulin Rouge

 carla  1:05:36

Actually been there I haven't been inside but I've seen it outside of Paris  - that's really good to know. Have you not seen the movie?

 chris  1:05:45

I'm not in a long time. I haven't No.

 carla  1:05:48

Yeah, it's we have a joke in our family that it's actually Christian that is actually the character not Ewan McGregor but the joke is a Ewan McGregor gave me a call tomorrow that I dumped the whole family. But it's it's really that character just heartache, and so beautiful.

 chris  1:06:09

Love it. And this is the most common song that you you actually verbalize when you're stressed out?

 carla  1:06:16

Yeah. that's one of those things I didn't even know I did it can reflect people you live with reflect back to you did this thing

 chris  1:06:25

I love that your kid collaborated and got this song on here and then got this song into my into my heart in my mind. Okay, so I'm going to now play  Sade - When Am I Going To Make a Living?

 Sade  1:07:20

SONG: When Am I Going To Make a Living?

 chris  1:09:56

So aside from this, it has been an amazing song, and I am a big Sade fan, when I was in high school, I stopped playing basketball, and for the school, and I broke my knee and had surgery and then to play basketball. So I started working at the hospital. And I was working at Rose Medical Hospital in Denver. And they had this free jukebox in the cafeteria. And this was one of the albums that was on there. And there was this this woman who I worked with in the cafeteria and in the kitchen and she showed me this song. And she was kind of like my real teacher, she was teaching me through Sade. She was saying, she would always tell me the line that the waste your body and soul if you allow them, and she was an older Black woman from the south, and she was like a mentor to me, she was like you need to do good in school, would talk to me about getting out of there getting out of the kitchen, if I could. So I was a pot washer, was probably there till I was 19, so probably about five years. And the jukebox had all kinds of other annoying albums. And this was the one that was great. I remember they had a Who let the Dogs Out by the Bahama Men, and it was a single, and this one cook he put in the code like six times to drive people crazy. And then we'd have to unplug the jukebox. But I really just learned a lot from this song. This song just has such a powerful message.  

Carla 1:11:14

I love that story. Holy moly. Is that like layers? Yeah, she's amazing, big on the playlist of me, choosing joy over sorrow, really, at that time in 2001. And listen to her a lot. This song is really important for me too, because I was in the restaurant business for years. It's like generational, like my grandmother owned restaurants. And I was really good at it. And I was in Toronto and I was the the owner wanted me to open a restaurant with him in Vancouver and be partners and I was listening not to the song, but to some part of my playlists and other people and just like I'm gonna not be working class anymore which is a joke ,because you can't actually say you're not going to do anymore. But I decided that I had a retirement party. And I've never turned back. I've never worked in a restaurant since I was 35, I think it's just a really important message in there is just an important nuance because people like capitalists, what's that shit line of like, do what you love, the money will follow bullshit. But there's the thing with like working class folks that we do to ourselves where we don't we don't believe in ourselves and I love that in this line. But in that line in the song I think yeah, there's just a nuance in it that it's not about playing the capitalist game, but it's about believing in yourself so that you can find thriving. Yeah, thanks for picking it.

 chris  1:12:49

Yeah. I love that. Thanks for adding that. We're doing the Holly Cole version. So this next song is I Don't Want to Grow Up

 Holy Cole  1:13:26

SONG: I Don't Want To Grow Up

 carla  1:17:00

Yeah, so this song has played a factor, since I was a teenager because the Ramones did it first, much more upbeat, funnier version. Really, I think, the perfect version for a teen to listen to, really resonated. I have fought so called adultism all my life in terms of the rigidity that I seen the suffering and whatever that meant. And then fast forward bunch of years, just after I gave birth to Zach my oldest son in 94. That's around when she came out with this album, she covered a bunch of Tom Waits songs. Which is funny because Tom Waits version is actually the one that resonates the most with me now because it feels so playful and he's older and I don't know I just relate to him more I think but this was really I was really stuck with what does it mean to not want to grow up in this way but be  a parent and i just yeah, I listened to it often and with you know, my baby on my on my chest, thinking about it didn't give in didn't grow up in that way.

 chris  1:18:09

I love those threads that you put through it. Yeah, I do. I think the Ramones is the the you know the most playful and then Tom Waits is kind of the middle, which Tom Waits is what Tom Waits is so good at, of being melancholy and playful and funny at the same time. And then Holly Cole just really brings out, takes takes away that sarcasm and you really just feel the the rawness of the lyrics, which is why I love this version  it's Yeah, it's so powerful, but still resilient at the same time.

 carla  1:18:40

Totally. Yeah. Tom Waits. Exactly. And I originally picked his version because it is melancholic joy. But the story is better.

 chris  1:18:48

No, yeah, thank you for something that all together. We messed around and made a really good playlist.

 carla  1:18:54

Yes. Totally fun. It was Yeah, melancholy joy.

 chris  1:18:59

So I'm going to play the track Legends by Juice WRLD who recently passed away rest in peace Juice Wrld

 Juice WRLD  1:19:06

SONG: Legends

 chris  1:22:15

You can hear Juice WRLD’s, his heart and his music and his his soul and just the vulnerability of mostly  Juice WRLD's music is so powerful and his voice the the beats that he uses too. And I really just resonate to the song because I don't know if it goes back to when my mom was smoking when she was pregnant, but my lungs, they they collapse randomly and actually collapsed four times one right when I turned 18, just back to back and then I had up surgeries. And the top lobes of my lungs had to be removed. And I was going in and out of the hospital for probably about a year or two. So I was always on dilaudid in the hospital, just messed up my head so bad. And then they would give me like percocets and all this. And, you know, it's essentially like battling with addiction of pain pills, just because I was depressed. But I didn't think I was I think that was the scariest thing. It just was like, Oh yeah, I'll take one because I have all these and I have a little bit of pain. And then it was turning into, you know, a hole to dig down that that was a dangerous hole. And I really just relate to what, what Juice WRLD’s talking about in this on top of this. And the things that he struggled with. I know there was another artist that was lost who had a similar vulnerability to their lyrics was Lil Peep. Couple years ago, too. It's just had this amazing way of writing too. And the lyrics that really resonate with me in the song is that I usually have an answer to the question but this time I'm going to be quiet. Ain't nothing like the feeling of uncertainty that eeriness of silence. And so powerful. When I work with a lot of youth in high schools, I know a lot of them relate to juice wrld too, because they're going in school at this time that's worried about school shootings, worried about climate change. So many existential things are already heavy on top of just being in high school, those feelings at the time. So there's just a lot of intersections and things that collide with this song and why I relate to it.

 carla  1:24:25

Thanks for sharing about your story and being vulnerable. I am so sorry. That's a lot to contend with. Glad you

 chris  1:24:32

Thank you.

 carla  1:24:34

Yeah, music really helps, right?

 chris  1:24:37

Yeah.

 carla  1:24:38

I love that song, too. I actually had the same quote pulled out so not surprisingly, I just yeah, I had shared the list with Zach today. And he was blown away that the song was on it. And he was like, Oh, it's just too sad. Lil Peep and they're all dead...Yeah. But yeah, the love for each other, though that comes through in the song. Like about, you know, like the music will live on it's one of the things that writers die to like I'm like, I'm so grateful that I still have their their words to carry me, carry generations, not just me. I really like that in that too. Yeah.

 chris  1:25:17

Yeah, and like one beautiful thing about art is that it literally saves lives. And I know that this song saves lives every day. And that's another thing of just beautiful art.

 carla  1:25:30

Yeah. yeah

 chris  1:25:31

Okay, so this next track is better by Burial. The new song is Untrue.

 Burial  1:25:35

SONG: Untrue

 carla  1:31:15

Feelings, feelings and saw because you girl, man Yeah, there's like many stories for this. I think probably why I I think probably why I chose it is in 2017 I got really sick and was in bed for about eight months. I love to dance. It's how I like how I move through being sad, and I couldn't dance. So I kind of came up with this plan that if I put a record on and laid on the floor, like on the hardwood floor, I would feel the vibrations of the music. And my body would get my Vegas nerve activated. Move. And Zach put on this and yeah, it just became like a healing theme song. Especially Untrue. And then during the pandemic, it just, you know, that feeling of being in quarantine and stuff and being stuck at home like, had a similar feeling even though I could physically dance. So, you know, I just listened to it every day. And I mean, we have all of Burial's stuff. But this is the one that I go to. And then I think I shared this with you. But Mark Fisher writes about a story about him writing this this particular song with his mom and him being really sad. I think if their dog his dog just died or something. And he wrote something, and his mom didn't like it and told him to like, just go make some tea and fuck everybody and do his work, find his passion or whatever. I can't remember the exact quote. It's really good. And that just made me love it even more, because he immediately went and wrote this song  Untrue, and she loved it.

 chris  1:33:02

And then it turned to be his breakout hit right?

 carla  1:33:04

Yes.

 chris  1:33:06

I love his story so much I had never known until you told me it's so cool. So when you started using the song kind of as a ritual for healing Did you notice a big difference right away?

 carla  1:33:18

Yes.  Sorry, the wind

 chris  1:33:19

 It’s fine. This episode is featuring the wind.

 carla  1:33:23

Yes. Which is our sound?

 chris  1:33:25

Yeah. It's a form of music. I mean, I first heard Burial, it was on a Thom Yorke remix and I just love the haunting syntha but it's still dancey and some my favorite type of music, a reason why I love the new wave so much and Trance and some EDM and stuff like that. I love that this pick is on the playlist. So next we're going to a Channel Zero Network friend, Tim who is Sole and the song is called Last Earth.

 Sole  1:34:08

SONG: Last Earth

 chris  1:36:22

So, for one, Sole is one of my favorite lyricists, one of my favorite writers, I don't know how many albums Sole has, it's gotta be, it's in the 20s it may be in the 30s, a prolific writer. And the reason I like this song is it has a melancholy joy to it. It's a lot of Sole's music does, but this is more of a dancey beat. It has William Ryan Fritch, from Sole and the Skyrider band singing with him. Just the beginning bars, so cool, I might be dead, but no flies on me. And he lived in Denver for a while. And we would often go to protests together. And I remember one day we were at one of these protests and he disappeared and he was arrested, kind of just for stepping off the curb for a second you know, the average blocking traffic or something. And the line all up in the cell talking FTP, is just so funny to me, but so Sole at the same time, and so true. And the just the way that he gets into other topics too, he says that's a bad trip, like when whites cross the sea, talking about colonialism, questioning dogma, which is something he does so well with his the way that he intervenes with anarchy and anarchism. And the course to the planet Earth, you don't belong to anyone, we will undo the feudal age. And then he always gets into little sci fi tangents as well like talking about the simulation theory or are we in a projection, and then the playfulness of Sole as well that sometimes he dreams he's flying through space to sees other just all these images of liberation will talking about desecration at the same time, which is I find inspiring and comforting and reflective.

 carla  1:38:07

Thanks for putting the song on. I hadn't heard it. Already adore Tim/Sole. So I had pulled out similar lines as you but I'm the one in the chorus that we will die trying, I love so much because I mean that's that willingness, you know? I think like in all my social media bios I just wrote, I try...  because I think that's like the least we, I mean, it's the most we can do actually. And I think isn't there like a Rebecca Solnit told me this, like, it's actually what an essayist is, like somebody who writes political stuff for the world is at the ideas you try. So just really gravitates to that, so hearing that in the song with that, with those lyrics, I was like, that's the point. That's the whole entire point is to try.

 chris  1:38:53

It really reminds me of the whole, Sole always did the whole détournement of Guy Debord and kind of see this in three parts. So the first one being 50 cent, Get Rich or Die Trying. And then Dead Prez, they kind of did a détournement and they said Get Free or Die Trying and then Sole, kind of Sole is in that vein very much with his music of or we will die trying

 carla  1:39:16

Nice connection. Nice weaving. took what I said, no grounding and grounded it Thank you.

 chris  1:39:27

No way. I didn't even think of it. until you brought it up. So yeah, that's the beauty of collaboration. Oh, you're so nice. You picked our song for the last song, which is I've always loved the monsters by by me, Jason/Maudlin Magpie & produced by A Thousand Vows

  Time (me), Jason/Maudlin Magpie & produced by A Thousand Vows  1:39:58

SONG: I've Always Loved the Monsters

 carla  1:43:26

So I wanted to pick something on the larger playlist too I also just picked something that just came out from Kinnie Starr... I just really wanted to bring it current. I listen to this song more than I'd like to admit it.. thank you so much for creating it both of you. It just. Yeah, it does bring that melancholy joy because it roots me into like a lot of things. I mean, almost every line, it's something that I've like, pondered or thought about, not in the exact same way or not in the same poetic way. But one of the things I'm really trying to figure out is like how to get out of my head and be more present so that I can just live more of a thriving life and so much of my work was about like creating thriving environments and containers for people but then I overworked myself and didn't thrive myself. Then there's just you have that in there and, and on the one hand like, like, the Jason's melody, like, it's kind of this counter to it because it's it's like this dilemma that I have around like more thought is like, takes me way out of presence, but yet your thoughts do untangle it all for me. So anyway, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna put your lyrics back to you.

 chris  1:44:37

I love that. Thank you, it's an honor that you feel that way. And to just give a little bit of context to this song is I had, I believe I've told you the story, but I had recorded this song, and this song talks about death like a lot of my songs which I get made fun of for. I had recorded this song. and it even says the one one day years hard will be beating the the next it might not be. And literally the next day, I got in a horrific car accident, almost died and had internal bleeding and stuff. And then my mind didn’t work that well for a while. It's such a severe concussion. And when I kind of came back to and I was able to write again and work on this album, I wanted to redo this verse, the song and Jason was like, no, that you recorded that. It's like, it almost was your last recording. Like you have to keep it. It's crazy. It's eerie. And maybe he's kind of a macabre person for wanting to keep it like it was but it was a good idea. But then I found out later that he actually wrote the chorus when I was injured pretty much, and he said he was kind of talking about how my mind is it always like can make a lot of connections and goes places so I was like wow, I never knew the chorus had to actually do with me and that he was worried about me when I was injured, so it kind of made, ties the song more together.

 carla  1:46:04

Wow, that is probably what I've like it just has such it's so affectual like it's kinetic. Like I feel it in every way and also like I do a lot of work with my ancestral stuff and you just you cover it all like yeah my my sights.. What is it, my thoughts steal my sight? Oh man. Yeah, my daily. I apologize to my kids and my partner for that.. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that story. And I'm so glad you survived that accident. Yeah. And not to mention the title because we both love monsters.

 chris  1:46:42

Yeah, no, definitely. That was that was the other thing of yeah, always, always love the Yeah, the monsters are not always the heroes of the stories or what's really strange is this last track that I picked by SBTRKT featuring sampha trials of the past is a song that actually was one of the ways I healed after my car accident. I didn't even think about how these lined up. I was I never took a day off of teaching after the car accident, which was a really dumb idea because I was throwing up after a lecture, anytime I use my my brain even if I read a text message, it would make me nauseous. And I was stubborn and took place in this debate I had already said I would go to on fracking, which I was glad I did because the fracking debate was horrible. And I threw up after that too. But this was a song that I would always listen to on the light rail. And it brought me peace and it made me feel free.

 SBTRKT (feat. Sampha)  1:47:45

SONG: Trials of the Past

carla  1:51:15

I really like the songs, how does it help?

 chris  1:51:19

Back to that thing where you say like it's just there, that vibe of this melancholy joy. For one, it's just the beats. I love this like tube synths in the minors in it and then some - Sampha's voice, it's just so soulful, and so calming and poetic. But when I would be on the light rail, and I was trying to get to like the front or the back of the car, and I stand up, and then I would pretend I was flying. And I didn't feel good, you know, because I couldn't really think, so I feel kind of weird too. I felt spacey. So I actually felt like I was flying above the light rail while listening to this over and over again for about a month. And then I love the second verse where he says I was always floating around the city, going with the flow without ever knowing where I want to be. So I got into crazy situations. And a loyal soldier who acts who acts who acts but never asks, that was my favorite line. And I just love that. And I know you and me, we really resonate about talking about questioning and questions.

 carla  1:52:23

I really liked flying on my back, the looking down. Really, really related to that I think it has like it had this sense of like astral projection or something in it. I think there's some kind of like, beyond this physical realm. I mean, that's the joy. I think I pulled from it out of that.yeah

 chris  1:52:44

Yeah, it reminds me of your story about Burial a little bit too, about how you were trying to get the nerve nerve activated going and like that form of dancing. And we had talked about in an email before this on other topics of what music is and music and ableism. And I was telling you about a friend I have who's a non hearing friend, and they told me, they were explaining to me about going to shows and that they enjoy going to shows where they can just feel the bass and the bass in their chest. And just the vibes of the energy of a show and all of those things. And just those things to consider when people are talking about music and ableism and all those things that tie in, and how music is part of everyone's realities.

 carla  1:53:32

Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. It's really important. That's the thing like rhythm. Yeah, even a non hearing person they can feel it in their body. And I think that's really important because that's like I shared that quote. It's Zach's favorite quote the one about like that sound is you can't have music without sound but you can have sound without music and so therefore sound is more important. But it makes me think about that just opening up what sound is and how how we experience it and in even like a harmonic way or harmony way, like that's probably a whole other conversation that I'm probably not the best person to have it with because I don't really understand music, but just even the western narrow version of what music is versus the east. Just continues on the white supremist hegemonic road even what constitutes music.

 chris  1:54:24

Yeah, like always trying to categorize and break things into binaries that are not necessarily. Going back to what you were saying about how you enjoy dance. And that's a way that you're able to express, just yeah, the music of that and just the rhythm of movement

 carla  1:54:42

Even separating that in the West.

 chris  1:54:47

I love that bird

 carla  1:54:48

A little music

 chris  1:54:51

And is a perfect book end because that's how we started it with talking to the birds.

 carla  1:54:55

Yes. Nice. Nice. Did you want to say anything about your larger list before we wrap it up?

 chris  1:55:03

Like the ones that I really picked on my extra was a song that I really grew up listening to which was Respiration by Blackstar. It's talking about the city and the beat by Hi Tek is really contemplated and I love like the poetry of Mos Def (Yasiin Bey). I had Prince on there, which we're both big Prince fans, I have a lot of jazz that was on there like Archie Shepp, big Tom Waits fan like you were talking about. So I had stuff from nighthawks at the diner, which was, you know, kind of a play into our newest album Nighthawks at McCoys, Stevie Wonder is one of the greatest of all time, I just love, everything Stevie does, going back to the hospital when I worked there, Frankie Beverly and The Maze of a co worker taught me about them in the song Joy & Pain ties in so much into this. And then the Priests, I really love the Priests and their music in Earth, Wind and Fire, one of the members from Earth Wind and Fire's from Denver. I am a big Frank Ocean fan as well. New wave, so Joy Division, and I probably end up putting a New Order or someone else on there if we kept going with this playlist.

 carla  1:56:08

Well, I did 13 so you can add a couple more. I'm so excited to share this list. I'm gonna start with the couple that like we're in that we got booted out of the top seven which is Sun Ra, Blue Soul, So I mean, I just, I don't know, I feel like I'm from another planet most of the time, so I really relate to Sun Ra's stuff and, and really get lost in it. And then Sinead O'Connor really, really important. I mean, her and Tracy Chapman, you know, are my political educators. Oh the song that I kicked off right away was for the one that Zach told me to do nature boy, but This is for Life from Luka Bloom. I don't know if you know his stuff, but he's Irish. Just an incredible singer, singer songwriter, and it's really about a song during the troubles where a man or woman fall in love and he gets put in prison because he kills somebody. But they stay together despite it all and it's all about time and how he can't actually watch the moon because he's in jail and it's really really sad but there's like a beauty about it that they commit to life together their love their love is going to transcend this physical distance. Yeah, so and Prince, of course, it was really hard to pick a Prince song. I was really wanting to do something from his early stuff that Purple Rain is the one that had to be and then The Cure. Aw, man, I probably listened to Cure like three times a week because  it's a dance. It's not you know, it is melancholy Joy to the max because it has the beat to dance. But the songs are so sad. Sigur Ros is another, all of it. It's my every time I go on a flight. I listened to Sigur Ros. I love it. The Police's like circa you know, teenager, I just felt completely lonely. It's from their first or maybe their second. I thought it's from the first album. And then I have a couple jazz stuff on there to Steal my Joy from Lee Williams. Do you know that song? So good

 chris  1:58:09

No, no.

 carla  1:58:11

it's about not stealing,  It's like don't steal my joy is actually the song

 chris  1:58:15

Nice.

 carla  1:58:17

Sounds really, really beautiful. And then of course, At Last lost I borrowed from a friend who did a playlist about hope and Rebecca Solnit actually, she had it on there. Because she's you know, sometimes sometimes we have to wait for it. Sometimes there's patience in the fight, in the build. So I thought it was a good one in terms of ending my playlists. Sometimes the Joy has you have to wait a bit.

 chris  1:58:45

I love that.

 carla  1:58:46

They cover them all. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Walkabout real quick. I love Atlas Sound. And I really wanted the song on the film I made about the purple thistle and I went through a lot of networks to get it but of course, you know, you're in the business. He didn't he doesn't actually have rights to the song so I ended up not using it but yeah,

 chris  1:59:05

on dang. Yeah, I love your extras on here.

 carla  1:59:10

Oh my god. I missed Sour Gout. Yeah, that's my kid. It was hard to pick but I picked the one that resonated the most. He's written a couple songs for me. I should probably have done one of them but had a lot of rain in it.

 chris  1:59:26

Awesome. All right, carla. Well, I'll talk to you soon. Bye

 carla  1:59:30

Bye.

 1:59:32

Thank you for tuning into this episode of the time talks podcast part of the channel zero network. Please check out carla bergman work and support their endeavors. Links to carla's works are in the show notes. Please send me an email and tell me some songs you listen to when you're feeling blue, or share a playlist with us. My email is [email protected]. thanks to awareness for the music, share the show around, rate it up and give someone some water. peace.

[caratdreams]

lunar

aka “who the fuck is my secret santa???”

Member: Vernon

Word Count: 2.5k

You stared at the paper-filled bowl in front of you, silently hoping the Financial Gods (who had seemingly ignored all your prayers for the past year) would bless you with a name that would be kind to your pockets.

As a group of broke college kids, Secret Santa was your only shot at getting a Christmas gift from a friend, as well as the most feasible way of getting you to buy a gift for a friend. God, when did you become such a stereotype?

“Come on, Y/N, pick a name already!”

The whines and moans of your friends did nothing to speed up the process, in fact, it had the opposite effect as you paused to glare at them.

“Patience is a virtue, guys.” You rummaged among the names, gliding the pieces of paper around each other before you finally made your choice. There was an internal sigh of relief when you unfolded the paper to see Wonwoo’s name. He was probably the most low-maintenance person you knew. Maybe you’d get him some cat food for the pet he was illegally keeping in his room.

When the group began to disperse, everyone setting off to complete their duties for the rest of the day, you gently tugged at Hansol’s jumper. It was the forest green one you had bought him for his birthday, and you didn’t expect him to wear it more than once, let alone practically live in it the way he had done the entire month of December. He leaned against the wall outside the lecture hall, having already shoved the name he drew from the bowl into his pocket.

“So,” an impish smile crept up on your face as you began. “Who’d you get?” Hansol simply shook his head at you, one of his brows raised slightly higher than the other.

“That’s just for me to know.”

“Come on, Sunshine!” He broke out into a grin at the nickname, or perhaps it was your frustration that amused him so. The non-stop stream of students that had passed between you in the vital moments between the ending of one lecture and the beginning of another finally slowed down. Quiet fell amongst you. “It’ll just be between us.”

“Nah, I’m keeping quiet about this one.” He peered around, as if anyone cared enough to eavesdrop on your conversation, before speaking again. “I will say though, I do already know what I’m gonna get them.”

“Since when did your brain work so quickly?” This was the guy who routinely started assignments two days before they were due, at best. You still remembered the night you watched him conjure up a 3000-word essay out of nowhere, with references, and he still did better than most of the class. Well, you guessed that was just his brilliance.

“Shut up!”

“It was a genuine question!”

“You know what, if you don’t stop, I’m not getting you that donut I promised you.” You pressed your lips shut, pretending to zip them up and even throwing away the key for emphasis. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” The two of you finally set off, walking in sync as you stepped out into the cold.

“Not that you asked, but I got Wonwoo. I was thinking of just taking out a book from the library. At least it’ll be free.” Hansol stopped walking to look at you, his lips curled upwards in a disbelieving smile.

“You are consistently the worst.”

“I’m not gonna lie, I was hoping you were the gift I ordered.” Hansol pouted at your greeting, standing in the hallway of your apartment building holding a brown bag you recognised as being from the bakery down the street. You said you’d only agree to movie night if he brought along gingerbread cookies. He said he’d only agree to movie night if you watched Home Alone. The first movie, of course, the sequels weren’t worth his time.

“Excuse you, I am a gift.” He responded, kicking his shoes off before setting the bag on your kitchen counter. He was so used to your apartment, the movements came naturally, without a second thought. His mouth dropped open, a small gasp escaping when he noticed two mugs on the table. “You made hot chocolate? With marshmallows?”

“What kind of host would I be if I didn’t?”

After putting the gingerbread biscuits on a tray (much to Hansol’s exasperation, as he didn’t think it was necessary), you led the way to your couch. You had pushed your centre table, which had been decorated with tinsel since the end of November, further backwards. Your laptop was set in the middle of it, mimicking a TV. Next to the table was a mini Christmas tree, adorned with the smallest baubles and tinsel Hansol had ever seen. He wondered if you had to buy the decorations separately, or if the tree came like that. The thought dissipated once you hit play and sunk into the couch next to him, the two of you comfortably sipping on your drinks and feasting on the biscuits.

Hansol was on his second cup of hot chocolate when he suddenly felt weight pressing down on his arm. He looked to see you had fallen asleep against him, your head forcing his arm to be your pillow. His heartbeat quickened as heat pricked the back of his neck. Tentatively, not wanting to wake you up, he moved his arm, snuggled you into his chest, and placed his arm around you. You groaned, sensing the movement, but not waking up.

The rhythmic rise and fall of your chest let him know that you were in a deep sleep. Brushing some hair out of your face, he couldn’t help but notice how peaceful you looked, especially juxtaposed against the chaos in the movie. Holding you against him like this was something he hoped for but didn’t expect, especially not anytime soon. Now that it had happened, he knew he wanted it to become a regular thing. Alas, wishful thinking only led to disappointment. His hot chocolate was getting cold, but he didn’t care.

The day of the gift exchange had arrived. The scene was Mingyu’s apartment, purely because his was the cleanest. The last time he had so many young adults in his apartment, the night ended with a broken door, two broken windows, and countless complaints. Yeah, he had to beg his landlord not to kick him out.

Once the gifts were all placed on the table, you eagerly scanned the items to see which one was labelled with your name. When you saw the box, wrapped up with a perfect bow on top, your eyes widened in anticipation. You weren’t going to open it just yet though, you wanted to see what everyone else got.

“Okay, seriously?” Seungcheol stood with a hand on his hip, frowning at the group. This wasn’t an unusual sight. “Who got me whiskey-flavoured lube?” You threw your head back in laughter, catching eye contact with Hansol, who seemed to find it just as funny. You had sent a thank-you text to him that morning for getting you into bed the night before, and you felt bad for (literally) falling asleep on him during your movie night. He was too kind to say or do anything other than assure you that it was okay.

You watched Wonwoo from a distance, waiting to see his reaction to his gift. You remembered him saying something about a limited-edition version of a book he loved, and you stayed up until 2am trying to find it – not that you were ever going to admit that out loud. When he unwrapped the gift and saw what it was, his eyebrows shot up; the most emotion you’d seen from him in weeks. in his defence, you’d had finals, and it was hard to be anything but dead inside. Satisfied that he was happy with his gift, you turned your attention to the box in your hands and opened it up.

The wrapping was neat, which made you instantly suspicious, since you were sure no one in your friendship group was particularly great at wrapping gifts. It was unmistakably a jewellery box, and you bit down on your lip in excitement as you lifted the lid. Inside lay a necklace, its pendant in the form of a crescent moon. It was simple, but it was perfect. You looked at the note that came with it, seeing that it was printed instead of handwritten.

‘For the moon to my sun, I wish you nothing but happiness this Christmas. I love you. – your Secret Santa.’

When you looked up, everyone seemed to be showing off their gifts to each other. You searched their faces, wondering who it was that got you such a cute gift, and wrote such a sweet message. You were the moon, who was the sun?

“Need help with that?” Hansol’s voice made you jump. It took you a second to realise he was talking about the necklace. You nodded, and in true gentleman fashion, he stood behind you and put the necklace on for you. You turned to thank him, and for a brief second you wondered … nah, that wouldn’t make sense. Hansol was probably the one who got Seungcheol the lube.

You took your bottom lip between your teeth, deep in thought. The Christmas break began in 2 days, meaning you had 48 hours to figure out who your Secret Santa was.

“Stop lying to me, Mingyu, I know you know!”

“Lower your voice, people are looking!” Mingyu warned, his eyes darting around the study area. He wasn’t sure if you were specifically looking for him (you weren’t), or if you just happened to see him on your way around campus (you did), but he didn’t have the answer to your question. “I really have no idea who your Secret Santa was. Will you let me live now?”

“Fine.” You sighed as you walked away, your fingers instinctively flying to the crescent on your chest. You played with it, fingers tracing the small object over and over again. Everyone you asked so far had given you the same response, they all claimed they didn’t know who got you the gift. Wonwoo told you that he would have bought you something much cheaper than that, and Seungcheol told you he would have bought you something much more extravagant. Running through the options in your head was useless, you were clueless.

It was hours later, right after you had just finished dinner, when you finally realised. It was so obvious, you could have kicked yourself. You had the read the note over to yourself one more time, and it hit you.

It happened during the summer. It was a relatively warm night, the sky clear enough for you to see the stars that had gathered above you. At this point, you had drunk so much that you could barely differentiate the stars, they all blended in together, specs of white pressed against the night sky.

The buzz from the alcohol kept you warm even when the temperature dropped slightly. You were comfortable as you were, not needing your light jacket, sat in the back garden with Hansol by your side. Well, he was lying down, but you knew he was there. The two of you had escaped from the chaos of the party, taking a moment to yourselves. God, you knew the hangover would be brutal, but in the moment you felt light as a bird.

“You know something?” You spoke, turning to look down at him. He looked so content, laying on the wood and basking in the natural glow of the night. You ran a hand through his freshly-dyed hair, softer than it had any right to be. You had no idea why he dyed it, but it really suited him, and had you looking at him in ways you hadn’t before. “The blonde hair makes you look like the sun.”

“Does it?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Yup.” You nodded. “I’m gonna call you Sunshine from now on.” At first he didn’t respond, and part of you thought he hadn’t heard you. Then he sat up, and said something that made your heart quicken its pace and threaten to burst out of your chest.

“Well, if I’m the sun, then you must be the moon.” He laughed to himself. “What’s that corny quote? The sun loves the moon so much that – shit, I forgot.” The two of you giggled towards each other. That wasn’t even the alcohol, just Hansol being Hansol. “My point is, the sun loves the moon, right?”

“And the moon loves the sun right back.”

Hansol pretended he wasn’t disheartened by the fact you hadn’t realised he was your Secret Santa. It wasn’t the end of the world, of course, but he thought the note would have been a dead giveaway. Ah, he knew he should have wrote the message by hand instead. It would have been more personal that way.

The ringing of the doorbell interrupted his thoughts. He dropped the jumper he was holding into his suitcase before stepping over an unfolded pile of clothes to get to the front door.

“Oh, Y/N!” he stepped aside, letting you in. “I – uh, I wasn’t expecting you.” He rubbed his hand against the back of his neck. From the state of the apartment, you could tell that Seungkwan had already gone home, there was no way he’d let Hansol have his clothes everywhere like this. You looked at the half-full suitcase in the middle of the room, briefly wondering how he was going to get everything home.

“Yeah, sorry I came here out of nowhere.” You played with the necklace again. “I realised something, though. You were my Secret Santa, weren’t you?” You could tell from the reddening of his cheeks and the aversion of his gaze that you were right. He nodded slightly, the movement so small you almost didn’t notice. “It was really thoughtful, I love it. Thank you.”

For a second, there’s silence.

Then you both begin to speak at the same time.

“I really did-”

“I don’t know-” A nervous laugh escaped Hansol’s lips as he gestured for you to finish what you were saying. “I don’t know if I’m reading too much into it, but your message reminded me of that one party we went to in summer, right after you dyed your hair.” You stopped yourself, realising now that you were saying the words out loud that you must have been mistaken. “Sorry, it’s stupid. Never mind.”

“No, it’s not stupid!” Hansol was quick to shake his head. “it’s what I was referring to, actually.” He paused. “I really did mean what I said, and I’m glad you like the gift.”

You didn’t know what to say. At that point, you weren’t even sure you could form a coherent sentence.

But words weren’t always necessary, were they?

You reached behind him and pulled him into a kiss. It was hesitant at first, the two of you being new to the feel and taste of the other’s lips. The hesitance lasted for only a few seconds as the kiss deepened, with months of repressed yearning unloading onto each other.

He smiled against you when you pulled away.

“I think we should do that again.”

How wonderful it was, for the sun and the moon to finally embrace.

#seventeen #seventeen scenarios #seventeen scenario #vernon #vernon scenario #svt #hansol vernon chwe #reupload #SO WHY DOES THIS ONE SHOW UP IN THE TAGS ON MY PHONE #hansol scenarios #hansol scenario

[xx-obliviousfantasy-xx]

Roasting Myself

Quick note:

Okay so bc I'm writing this on my phone, I can't take a photo of the document history to show you the stupidness. I apologise for that, but just try to imagine the fricken like... Stupidness.

Edit: The original version is on Wattpad still so nvm I'll be adding both Wattpad and Google Doc screenshots, but I did not have as many dates on Wattpad so only for some sections will I use Wattpad.

Edit: My photos keep going to the bottom. Idfk what to do whatever I hate Tumblr with a burning passion.

~~~~

So, I gotta vent about my stupidity.

Okay so the time frame I set back in 7th grade for this book idea I have is completely stupid. What I wrote didn't make any actual sense because I contradicted it. Which makes sense, because I was stupid. But doesn't, because now that I'm older, I should've caught it.

The story is called 3044(Destined Stars). I definitely stole that last part from something. I thought it was the game Mystic Messenger but it's not. The more I think about it, the more it seem like it though.

The problem is that with how far away 3044 is, it doesn't even make sense for humans to be how they are then, or even be alive tbh. I'm pretty sure they'll be extinct by then. I don't even know big we'll last 200 more years tbh. Or even 50.

Another problem, is I still do that thing where I fucking forget there's a bunch of numbers in between and skip up. So basically, with how I write the dates, I made the years really far apart with the dates and shit. Like REAAALLLLY. Like from being 10-ish years apart to skipping ahead nearly 1,000. Because I am a dumbass and didn't think "Wow this doesn't make any effing sense. This makes some of your events very insignificant because of evolution, and your characters old as dinosaurs."

(But I'm just now remembering I did day Humans live longer, which, could be taken to interpretation but besides the point.)

To better understand:

I literally had the dates like 2070, 2080, 2090, to then, 3000, 3010, 3015, 3025.

Like... That jump was so fucking huge but I didn't realise.

But because I was attached to the makeshift title I gave it, because it came from my friend's favorite number (but because I have issues with flipping numbers I found out was wrong later in after naming the story. I have still kept it that number though even years after),

Instead of doing the easy thing, I wrote in the stupidest, most confusing, complicated thing ever.

And then, after reading through my dates again and actually doing the math, it was like "Wait a second, this doesn't make any sense because this event started before this character (Hyacinth) was born, but after this one (Aleya) was two years old" or something like that. Idk. Like... It's wonky because my characters are certain ages in the story, but, by the date I set things, they happen waaaay too before they were born which would mean they'd stop mattering so much.

But thankfully, I thought recently, why don't I just f-ing make the dates that date? What's the reason for all of the complicated stuff?

(Also, I think I was gonna change the date again which is why it still makes no sense.)

( But then something happened. Idk. I honestly might bring the ages down again bc it makes sense. Because... The time still doesn't make sense because I'd have to age Hyacinth up.)

Generally, I just placed some events out of sequence. Like, I said space cities finished construction before they even started building them. Idk, it was a fucking mess and one of the first things I wrote confused me a lot because I was like "Did I delete something?"

It also made Aleya reaaaally older than Hyacinth because I set a significant date in her birth 15 years before the date of the story so it either

Aleya is 24 and Hyacinth is 20. It was 18 and 21 before,

I just- Oh my God. So, I'm deleting that, and going to make it better. Also I accidentally made the Earth 3044 years old, when, that's absurd. I said the Earth aged faster in that Universe, but that's too fast. Like- I just- wtf?

But the year is also 3044.7b2? Is that for the universe? See it just doesn't make sense. Idk how it made sense in my head. The Earth is 3044 years old but the Earth is not the age of the universe right now so why would the Earth be the age of the universe unless the Universe reset itself entirely and made everything come back at the same time?

And then I said that after that war, the first alien race I talked about plus some other planets, created a treated together.

I think I remember that at first a lot of planets were sucked into a black hole but spit out and made again but faster? Idk. It's so confusing.

(That's when I wrote it on Wattpad and how it was before the rewrite below)

Then there is this dumb contradictory mistake I made again because I said a certain race of aliens with a very awful name was first to contact the Earth at a certain time and helped them and create a treaty,

It's just so messed up and it's because I:

1) Didn't check some of my SEVENTH GRADE WRITING EVEN THOUGH IM IN NINTH NOW,

However I then wrote a different one with a less awful name did before that and went to war with them. As seen above and below.

2) Didn't check my Math, and-

Also apparently the whole story is being told but a space child who created Earth by accident and has grown find if her creation. Also one of the things I changed that made it complicated was saying that 3044 was the number of times Earth restarted. But I forgot that part because I constantly skim over that part.

3) Am still writing it in a bad Tumblr/Wattpad fanfic manner instead of a genuinely good writer pov.

Like... It's genuinely so bad that idk how it didn't click in until now. Maybe it's because after watching a nearly 2hr video about how bad Yandere Simulator and Yandere Dev is, and then two reviews of Onision's books I've already seen, I began to be very afraid of being on the same level as them in terrible production of anything.

I'm going to to fix this and re-plot it and then re-writes it because this is horrible, even for a first draft.

My incompetence a m a z e s me.

My understanding of math scares me.

#obliviousfantasy633 #obliviousfantasy #writer #writing #rant #criticism

[sineala]

Hi Sine! I recently re-read your Star Trek AU--which is BRILLIANT--and I noticed that it's got a pretty complex plot. Then I thought about it, and a lot of your fics have multiple things going on in them at once. I think Living On Your Breath has something like four plots: Steve's personal, Tony's personal, the villains, and then Carol&Wanda's. Plot complexity is something I'm trying to get better at, so I thought I'd ask how you come up with and manage everything! Thanks for writing!

Thanks for asking! I had to think about this for a bit, but I came up with a few rough guidelines for how I handle plot. I’m putting this under a read more because (1) I am wordy, and (2) I don’t want to spoil either of those stories for anyone who hasn’t read them.

A disclaimer: I am entirely self-taught in that I have never had a writing class in my life and I don’t really do well with those writing help books. So basically what I have learned has been picked up by reading a lot of books, reading a lot of fanfic, and writing a lot.

This is not so much a plot tip as General Writing Advice, but there’s an Ira Glass quotation that circulates Tumblr every so often that I really like:

“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

I’ve certainly had this problem; I’ve spent years not writing because I’ve come up with ideas I knew I couldn’t execute to my own standards. And then I did it anyway, and eventually I got better and now I’m at a point where if I have an idea for a story it is probably something that I feel like I would enjoy if I wrote it (as opposed to “God, I can’t pull that one off, I hope someone else writes it”). It does make leaving exchange prompts kind of tricky because I think one up and then NO I WANT TO WRITE IT MYSELF. (The Jar is a Cap-IM Holiday Exchange prompt I nearly left before deciding I wanted to write it myself.)

Anyway. Plotting long stories. The big difference between a long story and a shorter story  is that you need to be conscious of the overall structure and where you are going. You know all those rising action/climax/falling action plot outlines? Take a novel you like and think about it like that. Break it down. If you want a long story that feels cohesive, you’re probably going to want to adhere to that basic structure. You don’t necessarily need to make an outline of that form – I don’t bother – but you should have in your mind the idea that three-quarters of the way through (or so) is the Big Important Scene that your story has been building towards, and then the rest is cleanup.

I am generally writing romance stories, and the tropes of the genre are such that there are often a lot of shortcuts I can take when I am trying to work out what’s going to happen, especially if these are first-time stories – the big moment is the characters declaring their love, finally getting together, and so on and so forth. So you ask yourself, okay, what are the obstacles to their love? Why didn’t they get together before? Maybe they have to learn to love each other. Maybe Steve doesn’t know Tony is Iron Man. Throw the obstacles in their path! Make them get over them!

But the reason these stories get so long on me is that that’s not usually the only plot. The other plot can be personal to the characters (say, Tony’s drinking problem) or involving the personal lives of the other characters, or, heck, maybe they even have to save the world. Basically I just… intersperse the development of both plots, and I try to make sure that every scene is furthering something: either plot or characterization. (When I am outlining the story itself, I try to keep tabs on this.)

Because these are generally romance stories, the A-plot, the one I give the most weight to, is probably going to be the romance plot, and the B-plot is going to be whatever else happens in the story. The absolute best way to join these plots together is to make them both build together and then hit their respective plot climaxes at as close to the same time as you can manage. If the B-plot is saving the world, Tony is tragically injured in the fight with supervillains, and that’s when Steve tells him he loves him. If the B-plot is personal discovery, Tony gets sober and decides he can be with Steve. Something like that.

How do I keep track of this? I used to do it in my head. I don’t recommend that part. I know some people can handle writing novels by the seat of their pants, but I work a lot better with outlines; I have a lot of abandoned novels where I basically didn’t remember what was going to happen next, and… whoops. I actually do all my outlining and writing (of long stories, anyway) in Scrivener (which is the best program I have ever spent money on). I like Scrivener because it’s set up to handle stories with a lot of ancillary research material, and furthermore it’s organized by scene, which makes a lot of sense to me.

First is the brainstorming. I like to bounce my ideas off other people when I am still in the thinking stage (like “hey, would you read a story about X?”) and then I spend a while mulling over The Scenes That It Makes My Brain Really Happy To Think About, which are usually (for me) probably the climax of the story. (This might be Steve And Tony Finally Get Together or Steve Finds Out Tony Is Iron Man or Steve Cradles Tony’s Broken Body In His Arms.) In my current WIP, it’s probably Steve Realizes He Loves Tony After All.

And then eventually I make an outline. The outline is basically a complete synopsis, scene by scene, of everything I want to happen in the story, with as much detail as I need. Sometimes there will be bits of dialogue, sometimes it will be OH FUCK SOMETHING PLOTTY HAS TO HAPPEN HERE, FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. Because generally I will know that the non-relationship plot must advance before I know exactly how. (I revise it as I go.) The outline for the Trek AU is about 1500 words. (The outline for its sequel is 3000 but it uses more complete sentences as it was intended for other people to read.) I stick this all in the Research pane of Scrivener along with my canon notes and whatever else I need to refer to while writing. This is a good time to stop and make sure that the outline feels like a story – all the emotional beats are in the right place, there’s a good mix of A-plot and B-plot. and so on and so forth. I just squint at it and wing it but I’m sure there are various exercises you can do if you like that sort of thing.

Then I do the actual scene breakdown. Because I’m using Scrivener, it has this very cool functionality whereby every scene has an associated “notecard.” You can give each card a title, organize them in folders by chapter, reorder them, and write up whatever you want on the notecard; I fill it with a description (expanded from the outline) of what’s going to be in each scene. Sometimes if I have multiple POVs I will color-code each scene.

As for specific complex plots, let me tell you about how I came with the stories you asked about.

Living On Your Breath was easier because it was for a RBB, and the artist (Phoenix) had a few suggestions about canon, and from there I let canon help guide me to filling out the plot. The art that went with it was Tony in leather and fishnets, choking Steve out. Which is, you know, evocative. Phoenix had suggested that the plot involve mind-control (which seemed reasonable as Tony looked pretty evil in the picture) and also she wanted to know if I could write a story set in Avengers v3, which I had never read, but I was game.

So, I thought, okay, this was going to be a story where a mind-controlled Tony had somehow captured Steve and decided to choke him. How could I get a plot out of that? Well, I thought, what if the drama of the story isn’t just about Tony being villainous? What if it’s a story about kink and consent? What if maybe Steve would have wanted Tony to choke him out when he wasn’t evil? What if Tony secretly wanted that too and Steve had no idea? Well, that seemed like a decent amount of angst to me.

And that right there suggested a basic plot structure. Steve and Tony would get together at the beginning, and we would establish that Steve had these unfulfilled kinky desires, and they would be happy together but not A+ perfect because they are not talking about all their unmet needs because, let’s face it, they have communications problems. Then Tony gets kidnapped and mind-controlled, and kidnaps and tortures Steve, and he does everything Steve wants except it’s fucking terrible because, well, Steve didn’t so much want Tony the supervillain to whip him. Just regular Tony. And so the rest of the story was going to be about them healing and putting themselves back together (although getting worse before they get better) and reclaiming everything they did and admitting their secret kinky desires and having Tony choke Steve out in a truly wholesome and loving way.

I knew that there was going to have to be some kind of plot involving villains – I mean, someone had to do the kidnapping and mind control – so I went looking for obscure villains (since I’d had enough of AIM and Hydra) with a grudge against Steve and ended up, unfortunately, with the Secret Empire. They were so obscure, I told myself! Surely Marvel wasn’t ever going to use the name for something big! Ahahaha. *sobs quietly to self*

I also decided that it might be nice to have the events of canon going on as a backdrop to the story, and as soon as I read v3 I knew exactly what I was going to do because, see, I fell in love with Carol’s drinking arc. Avengers v3 starts out so sweet and the team loves each other and then… it kind of starts to fall apart. Not that they don’t love each other, but it’s apparent that several of them have Problems, and Carol’s drinking is the definition of a Problem. So I wanted to have the team start to go along perfectly and then break apart as Carol does, with Steve and Tony’s post-mind-control relationship along for the ride at the same time. Suppose it all comes to a head with Steve and Tony on the same mission that gets Carol kicked off the team? And then, well, we know Tony goes up to Seattle in canon for recovery from a fight in canon – what if, in this version, he brings Steve with him? And later on, when Carol drop-kicks Tony through a jet and finally sobers up, what if Steve is there too? So that way both Tony and Carol get to get better at the same time. Recovery arc for EVERYBODY.

Honestly I added Wanda because I figured that Carol needed SOMEBODY to be there for her (it really irritated me that the team basically just kicked her out on her own, in canon) and she and Wanda clearly like each other a lot. Having said that, about 50% of Carol’s plot is straight out of canon, dialogue included, although I played with the timing, added Wanda, put Carol in the Blue Area mission, and gave Steve and Tony a massive breakup in the middle of the mission.

The structure of this one was pretty simple – before, during, and after Steve’s captivity. Every scene in the During section was one of Steve’s days. During the After scenes I was basically trading off Steve/Tony and Carol & Wanda plot development.

Straight on till Morning was trickier to plot. For most of its imaginary life, it didn’t have a plot; it was me sitting around and thinking, “Gosh, I like the Avengers and I like Star Trek and I want to imagine the Avengers in spaaaaace.” But that wasn’t a plot. That wasn’t even anything close to an idea for a story. So it just kind of sat there for a couple years rattling around my brain. And, really, the backstory all came first, and the plot kind of sprung out of everything there had to be in order to put the backstory in play.

One day I was sitting there thinking about what the Avengers would be in the Star Trek universe, and I thought, “Well, obviously Steve is a starship captain and OH MY GOD STEVE IS A GENETICALLY-ENGINEERED SUPERHUMAN FROM THE TWENTIETH CENTURY.” I had been thinking of the story as a complete fusion, where no one existed with their regular Marvel identities, but suddenly it occurred to me that if Steve existed in the Star Trek universe and had still been Captain America in World War II, things could get really interesting – because the Federation, bastion of diversity and tolerance, is fully prepared to hate the fuck out of you if you are genetically-engineered. Especially, and I am just guessing here, especially if you are from the twentieth century. Steve would predate Khan and the other supermen, but, well… maybe Steve was the first Augment. So that’s an interesting idea! The one universe where being Captain America would actually be reviled!

So that’s not a plot, either, really, but that’s part of a plot: Steve has a Terrible Secret. He is an Augment. What’s going to happen when Tony learns his terrible secret? Well, he’s probably going to take it pretty badly.

Steve’s backstory was pretty much a direct port of the Cap stuff plus making him frozen twice so that (1) he could have prior starship command experience and (2) I would throw off everyone who assumed that him being frozen once was the way I was translating his comics backstory. At least until the scene where Tony gets out his Cap poster, anyway.

Tony’s backstory was a little more complicated. Because the thing about an AU is, you have to ask yourself which elements of a character and their backstory are 100% essential. And the weird thing about Tony is that a lot of the things that are key components of his superhero life don’t really translate to Star Trek. Like, take Tony’s famous MCU line, “genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.” Welcome to the post-scarcity economy, Tony; there’s NO MONEY. That knocks out “billionaire” and “philanthropist.” “Playboy” is, let’s face it, probably also linked to “billionaire,” and for 616 Tony it gets use as basically part of his intricate layers of personal masks where he doesn’t sleep with nearly as many people as he wants you to think he does. That leaves “genius.” And we’re gonna make him a Starfleet engineer! Everyone’s a genius there!

The Iron Man suit, likewise also out. Because, yes, it’s cool, but it’s not Star Trek cool. A flying suit? Try a starship. Maybe he designs starships, I said to myself.

So what are the key qualities of Tony? His genius, his engineering aptitude, his general personality, let’s throw in his former alcoholism, and of course his Vietghanistan trauma leading to heart injury. So something happened to him on Planet Vietghanistan, obviously, and whatever it was hurt him, but it didn’t lead him to make Iron Man. But he still needed to do something heroic, but it had to be Trek-style heroic. What if he saved a bunch of his shipmates? What if he saved a bunch of his shipmates and built a ship to rescue them and Captain Yinsen died tragically in his arms? And what if Tony was so fucked up by all of this that he decided to quit Starfleet? Until, of course, he meets Steve.

This suggests an arc for Tony’s character, the same way Steve’s backstory suggested an arc for him: Tony learns to love himself, Starfleet, and Steve. Maybe not in that exact order.

And remember, Steve has A Secret. Well, that’s going to interfere with Tony learning to love him. Obviously Tony will eventually come around. So from there you can see where the major obstacle to Steve and Tony’s happiness is going to be.

The first third-to-half of this story was therefore pretty easy to write, because it was just a matter of introductions and shoving in all the backstory. Meet Tony. Meet the ship. Meet Steve. Let’s go to Starfleet Academy and learn a bit about the Prime Directive and Tony’s tragic backstory. Meet the crew. Set off on a maiden voyage. Tell Steve about Augments, watch him freak out, and watch Tony have no clue why.

And then, of course, there had to be A Plot. Every scene basically advances the worldbuilding, Steve’s character, Tony’s character, or the plot. This was also pretty easy to come up with, because it’s Star Trek, and if you want to make your Star Trek story feel like Star Trek, steal a Trek plot. Of course they beam down to a planet and meet some aliens. Then something goes terribly wrong, something bad happens to the ship, but it is all fixed just in time and they sail on. You know how it goes. There is a pre-existing structure. I had actually been joking that if I couldn’t think of anything I’d just sex pollen Steve and Tony and well… I couldn’t think of anything else. Sex pollen it was!

I think sex pollen actually works well, because it is a very Star Trek trope (quick, count all the sex pollen episodes; you might need more than one hand) and also because the absolute worst time to find out that your captain is an Augment is after you’ve been forced to sleep with him to stay alive. I figured that scene was going to be one of the super important plot moments.

I debated using a Trek alien race or a made-up race but decided to go with Skrulls, on the grounds that evil shapeshifters are also very Star Trek and also I thought maybe I could fool people into thinking I made them up as long as I didn’t bring in Veranke until after the Skrull reveal.

And then, well, the ship is in danger, Tony nearly dies (you can tell that Star Trek II is one of my favorites) sacrificing himself to save the ship, gets his heart injured again, decides while he’s dying that he was being an idiot about Steve, and lets himself actually love Steve.

Basically, it is literally several actual Star Trek plots mashed together with Captain America’s backstory and a lot of infodumping. It is honestly way simpler than it looks; there were plenty of existing models for How To Tell A Star Trek Story and I pretty much just stole them.

I hope that helps.

#chibisquirt #replies