#but i think people don't realize that some mental illnesses' problem is that it makes people take Too much responsibility

[sebastuyork]

Does "narcissist abuse" exist?

Well, I'll try to think of this as unbiased as possible.

Narcissist and Abuser are not synonymous. Many narcissists make an effort to not harm others and have never been or are currently not abusers.

NPD is a disorder with different presentations and sufferers have differents traits and severities: some narcissists are aggressive and external; some are more internal; some may be concerned with being a good person; some may overcompensate for their narcissism; some may take out the issues of their disorder on others; some may have trouble self-reflecting and hurt others; some may never hurt anyone; some may know how to deal with their traits while others may not.

NPD is a disorder that impacts both the sufferer and the people around them. It is important to talk about the sufferer, but also to acknowledge that it affects others as well. Especially if someone is untreated and unaware of their disorder.

It can cause someone to hurt others if it is left unchecked, if they were taught to hurt others, if they are unaware of their behavior, if they lack self-control, or if they simply have no desire to be a good person.

An abuser with NPD's reasons and ways of abusing someone may be different, just as an abuser with autism's would...and an abuser with depression, an abuser with bipolar, an abuser with schizophrenia, or an abuser who is not mentally ill at all.

I have heard a story about a woman with schizophrenia who was convinced her children were possessed by the devil and tried to attack them. Does this mean everyone with schizophrenia is dangerous? No. Absolutely not. Did her disorder affect the way she treated others in a negative way? Yes, because it presented in this way, and she was completely unaware and untreated. She is a victim in the fact she was dealing with these delusions and this fear, just as her children were victims for having to deal with the way she acted. Again: someone being schizophrenic does not mean they will hurt you. If someone who is schizophrenic tries to hurt you, that isn't representative of everyone with schizophrenia. (Many people with schizophrenia do not try to harm people at all.)

I also heard about the difficulties of a child living with bipolar mother who treated her disorder with alcohol, causing her to accidentally harm her child in many ways. Obviously, her disorder and addiction are relevant in talking about the experience, but we all know people with bipolar disorder are not abusers just because they are bipolar; and addicts are not abusers just because they are addicts.

Abuse can be done on accident, especially if someone was raised around it or thinking it was okay, or if they have a disorder affecting how they see things. In some cases, explaining and trying to help people realize their behavior can work. In others, it won't; some people don't want to listen or get better. If thats the case, thats on them. But no matter what, abuse is a choice. It can be done without awareness; but it is still a choice.

Anyone can be an abuser, and the equation of one disorder with abuse is not only dehumanizing to the people with this disorder, but can actually hurt victims of abusers who aren't narcissists, or victims who are narcissists.

My point is that it can be relevant to say your abuser had NPD. But someone being an abuser doesn't mean they are a narcissist, and the NPD isn't what needs highlighted...its the abuse. Yes, you can say your abuser had NPD, I don't think it's wrong to make a space to discuss this with people who had a similar experience either.

Many people in my family are narcissists/narcissistic, and quite a few of them hurt people or have been abusive. So I won't deny that a lot of narcissists (especially ones who externalize their narcissism and who are completely untreated, also when they refuse to admit they have a problem) treat others badly. I also know some of them don't actually have bad intentions and that others do have (in a way) bad intentions. Some were raised to think it was okay. I also know of narcissists who internalize it, who are aware of their narcissism, who do their best to not hurt others, who are victims themselves.

NPD should be talked about from the perspective of people with NPD, but this doesn't mean people who dealt with abusive people with NPD can't talk about it. As I said, I had no problem with an article about an abusive mother who had bipolar disorder; it was relevant.

A lot of "narcissistic abuse" described is just abuse. A list of abusive behaviors doesn't need to say narcissist at the top. It is completely irrelevant. Say it if it is relevant.

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TLDR; Your abuser being a narcissist can be relevant, and you can talk about it, narcissists can be abusers and their disorder can play a part in it. But not all narcissists are abusers, and "narcissist" is equated with abuser. This is why people do not like the term "narcissistic abuse." It, in a way, equates narcissism with abuse. "Narcissistic abuse" is as real as "autistic abuse" or "bipolar abuse."

Don't use narcissist as a word for abuser. Say it if it's relevant.

I have no problem with a subreddit, therapy group, or community for people who dealt with abusive narcissists, but I want people to not perpetuate a stigma.

I sympathize with those who were abused, but narcissism isn't abuse; abuse is abuse. Narcissism can play a part, but that is not what the abuse is, and that is not THE cause of the abuse.

Abuse is abuse, and anyone can abuse.

#not art #narcissist abuse #npd safe #narcissistic abuse #I find just saying something is ableist doesnt explain anything so I went ahead and wrote too much #txt #anyways ill post silly things again soon

[asteralien]

i can't speak for every mentally ill person but i don't think "don't self-deprecate! it makes everyone around you feel bad :(((" is necessarily the all-encompassing bandaid slam-dunk you think it is.

#'you feel bad about yourself? well now you're making ME feel bad too :(' #wow not only do i not hate myself less i might hate myself for a few bonus reasons! cool. thanks 👍 #i just think that this toxic positivity trend of making one person's mental illness everyone else's problem #and the answer to mental illness is to just think of everyone you're inconveniencing/hurting by being mentally ill #which will absolutely motivate you to stop being mentally ill #is............ well! i'm sure it works for some people! #aster chat #i'm not saying that mentally ill people should not or cannot take responsibility for things #but i think people don't realize that some mental illnesses' problem is that it makes people take Too much responsibility #which is in fact. overwhelming. #you can't guilt someone into not being chronically guilty

[musical-chick-13]

...That...sure was a reveal wasn’t it.

#Idk I feel like this example of 'mental illness plaguing my mind so it inspires me to hurt others because I see life as inherent suffering' #was done a lot better and a lot less overtly ableist than most examples #kind of like...it wasn't saying that having The Brain Disease is inherently Evil™ but more...lending context to the character's worldview? #I think it helps that as soon as he realizes that he's not changing anything and that there's a flaw in his logic he gets better #like he backtracks and apologizes and tries to help people in earnest #but I'm also just kind of...Idk do we really NEED another story where a mentally ill person is harming people because of their illness? #is that in and of itself an ableist trope?? I don't know!!! I am conflicted in this Chili's tonight!!!!! and by Chili's I mean my room with #a giant tub of ice cream I had delivered to me!!!!!!!!! #mc13 watches anime #but then again I don't consider my icon aka best character of all time to be an ableist stereotype for the reason of 'mental illness is not #why she's bad. she's bad because she chooses to be' and 'it makes her sympathetic and isn't some 'Inherent Reason Why She's Evil' #so obviously it can be done. and I think it's counterproductive to say that we can never write villains with mental illness at all #I also think. in this case. it's important to note that EVERYONE is a pretty bad person and none of the OTHER bad people are called 'crazy' #or referenced as being mentally ill in any way. it's literally this one person and he's the most fleshed out out of all of them? #so it's like. is my discomfort because I'm tired of seeing mentally ill Bad People in fiction due to Personal Issues or is this particular #instance an actual example of the 'demonization' problem #MANY THOUGHTS HEAD FULL (distressed) #the real horror was the ableism we found along the way

[mysillyside]

Analysis of Ice King's Mental Health and consistent Self-Sabotage

(a needlessly long analysis of an episode I really didn't like as a kid but grew to respect a lot upon rewatch as an adult)

I wanted to rewatch some Ice King episodes I haven't seen in awhile, and the season 6 episode "Friends Forever" really reminded me how Ice King is such a good portrayal of a mentally ill person who unconsciously self-sabotages himself and his relationships.

Summary: The premise of the episode is Ice King inviting Life Giving Magus over for a hangout, when in actuality he is planning to trick him into bringing his furniture to life so they can be his friends.

The setup is obviously comedic: "Haha silly Ice King, you don't need to bring furniture to life so they'd be your friends, when Life Giving Magus is right there offering you friendship!"

Coincidentally, that's the tragedy of the episode and Ice King's character in general.

He already painted a convoluted picture in his head of what he thinks he needs in order to be happy, so when other possible (even easier) routes of achieving said happiness present themselves to him, he shuts them down completely. It has to be his way or no way!

Content warning: While I don't go into anything too intense, this is an analysis of self-sabotaging behavior and how it pertains to people struggling with mental health issues, and I even briefly go into my own experiences surrounding this topic. Keep that in mind if you decide to read!

I'll leave the rest of the analysis below, because it's a bit wordy. But I hope you enjoy!

Throughout the episode, we are continuously shown the same scenario. Ice King is presented with an alternate (usually more achievable) solution to a problem he's dealing with and proceeding to ignore it, as he already decided how he wants to solve it as other avenues appear too challenging. He wants simple, fast solutions, despite the fact mental health improvement is a slow journey.

Abracadaniel

Early in the episode, we find out that Ice King ended his friendship with Abracadaniel, because "he kept trying to analyze him" From previous episodes we know that this friendship made Ice King really happy, so it might be suprising of first glance to see it break off so suddenly.

But of course, it makes sense. The reason Ice King liked the friendship in the first place is because it was fun. It's nice to have friends who are able to distract you from your own saddness.

In the episode where he first befriends Abracadaniel in the season 5 episode "Play Date", Ice King explicitly states he likes spending time with Finn and Jake because it distracts him from his thoughts, hence why the duo introduces him to Abracadaniel.

And that's what the friendship probably was for awhile, the two of them having fun! But considering the fact Abracadaniel seems like a relatively normal guy (at least for a wizard), it makes sense that eventually he would pick up on the fact that something is very wrong with Ice King, and that he's dealing with some pretty intense mental health issues.

This leads him to start analyzing his behavir, which leads to Ice King getting irritatated and upset.

He wants to have fun when he's with Abracadaniel, not think about things that upset him. (Knowing Ice King, he probably thought Abracadaniel was criticizing or even attacking him.)

Life Giving Magus

This is a shorter section but still important to mention. The main irony of this episode is the fact that Life Giving Magus clearly wants befriend Ice King, but because that's not how Ice King invisioned his "get friends" plan, he ignores this way more practical/achievable solution in favor of a fantasy where everything works out just how he imagined it. Things will work out surely. The stars just gotta align. Fast and easy solutions only. What do you mean these things take time and effort?

The Furniture

So the furniture comes to life and Ice King is ecstatic. That is, until he realizes that the furniture doesn't act like how he imagined it. The once inanimate objects appear to be intellectuals that like discussing complicated smart people things and using big words Ice King doesn't understand.

After Ice King continually tries and fails to fit in, leading to him becoming frustrated and sad, the Lamp suggests an alternative solution.

Maybe Ice King can be the cool quiet guy who listens to the other people in the room and occassionally adds his input, instead of forcing himself to talk about things that are clearly beyond his scope and knowledge

Ice King of course, completely ignores this and gets upset.

He doesn't want to adapt to this situation or even compromise, this isn't what he wanted, this isn't how things were supposed to go!

So he'd rather end the whole thing.

And so the episode ends with him turning all the furniture inanimate again. Maybe its better things just stay the way they were.

Ignore the fact Life Giving Magus is once again offering him his friendship, despite everything Ice King put him through in that episode. But Ice King declines it, as he would still rather stick to what he's used to if he can't achieve his convoluted solutions to obtain happiness, than try new things. Who cares if it's practical, it's way too uncertain and challenging!

Conclusion

I think Ice King characterization is very reminiscent of a mentally ill person who clearly wants to be happy, but only in this very specific "let's not uncover the root of the issue" way.

He likes chasing manic highs of in-the-moment happiness, which leads to selfish, destructive behavior which eventually starts crashing down, culminating into long depressive episodes.

Ice King doesn't like being sad don't get me wrong, but he'd rather wallow in his own misery for weeks if it meant not having to utilize those brief occassional moments of stablity and happiness, to adress his issues and figure out how to get better in the longrun. He doesn't want to sacrifice them!

(If you want a clear real life parallel to this, have you ever had those moments where you're like: "Wow I've been feeling so much better lately, maybe I don't need to go to therapy this week!" and then you end up spiralling right back to square one when you inevitably get sad and depressed again, because you ignored your mental health in favour of not utilizing those happy stable moments to get better overall. I've been there. So yeah, Ice King is suprisingly relatable.)

---

And not only that, but even when he is trying to make an effort and find ways to become happier, he's doing it in such a surface level way.

This whole episode is a great example of that, but this goes even further back. Just think about his princess kidnapping tendencies. Kidnapping a princess is a quick and easy solution to stop his saddness and loneliness. He wants to be loved, so surely has can force it. We never really see Ice King actually achieve his goal of marrying a princess, but let's say hypothetically he did. Than what?

He wanted friends for a long while too, so when he got them he was happy... until even the slightest cracks started showing.

If he managed to marry a princess, sooner or later he'd realize it doesn't make him truly happy. In the episode where he comes closest to achieving his goal (Princess Monster Wife), it still ends with him alone and sad at the end, because you can't cheat your way to happiness.

---

For him to truly be happy, he'd need to start addressing the core of where his issues come from. But he doesn't want that! So when other people start digging deeper, wanting him to self-reflect, he gets angry.

"How dare you make me think about why I'm sad!" "I'm gonna achieve happiness in this specific impractical way or no way at all!"

As someone who deals with this type of mentality, yeah. It hits! The last time I watched this episode was actually when it first aired, and since I was still a preteen back then, so a lot of this stuff flew over my head!

But now I get it now and am able to appreciate this episode a lot more. To be honest, I used to hate it! I find later seasons of AT a bit humorless and awkward to watch, especially season 6 . While these opinions haven't really changed., I think I can finally appriciate the thematic and emotional meaning of this episode now. Preteen Kat might have been a bit of a hater.

Final conclusion: I don't know how an episode about Ice King's furniture coming to life ended up being such a good exploration of mental illness, but that's Adventure Time I guess!

#adventure time #ice king #simon petrikov #cw mental health #cw mental illness #analyses & meta #💬 katposts

[rifualk]

On Mental Health and Cosmic Embarrassment

I don't usually make a post in the aftermath of one of my spirals, so I bet most people see some of the vent posts I make, and assume I am just off my meds or something. I am on them but I might not be on the right ones. This is a thing that happens to me sometimes. I have psychotic episodes, where it feels like the things I am saying are completely inconsequential and I genuinely believe no one cares what I'm saying or, worst of all, that it cannot scare anyone that cares about me. I get too tired to fight my intrusive thoughts and I just ride them out. Most of my thoughts are not ones I enjoy having. I have trouble parsing what is real sometimes. For most of my life, out of a kind of primal shame and terror of being perceived or judged, I beat myself into believing that I just roleplayed as a crazy person online because I wanted attention for it, but it finally clicked for me at some point in my 20s that I was, and am, genuinely very mentally ill, maybe in ways that make me not-entirely-functional in the culture I inhabit. Also, I want attention for it.

Life is very embarrassing. I think embarrassment, shame, et al. is probably the most cosmic feeling of them all, because being embarrassed, for me anyway, leads invariably to my OCD extrapolating the embarrassment, no matter how slight, into its natural extreme, becoming a full-blown existential meltdown and often manifesting in some self-punishment. Or a lot of self-punishment. Instead of saying "everyone wants attention, it's not a big deal", my brain will overwhelm me with shame and make me vow to be quieter about the whole thing next time. Good emotions are meant to be expressed, I tell myself, and Bad ones are not. I think it's very unhealthy for people to not express their negative emotions openly. Or maybe I'm psychotic. I mean, I am psychotic. But maybe right now, too.

Ultimately this feeling peaks with the realization - again - that I'm a eukaryote. I live on a spinning ball of stardust in the aftermath of what had to have been a colossal disaster and waste of time. But it happened, and so now there's a bunch of stuff floating around, and some of that stuff started moving for reasons I don't personally understand and the implications of which scare me. And the moving stuff that moved faster got to stay moving longer. And so a chain reaction escalated, and eventually there were very large moving things whose survival adaptations had evolved in such a way that they could conceptualize and communicate complex information about the world around them, but they were also able to conceptualize themselves. This gave them a lot of grief. They wanted very badly for there to be an answer to why they were able to do that. Surely it served some purpose. But we never found one, and here we are.

I don't have a god to turn to. I have tried - earnestly, sincerely, and desperately - to reach out; I never hear back. I don't want to be an atheist, it's heartbreaking. Honestly. I want someone to be up there, or out there. Knowing there isn't, is just... cruel. It's horrifying and it wrenches my heart. Look at us, look how much we're suffering, where the fuck did you go, what the fuck is your problem? Help us!

In spite of everything, I am still not sure what I believe.

Don't you ever just cry about the world? Like, broadly? Don't you ever just have to take off your glasses and wipe the brine from them because you caught a glimpse of what people, as a species, could be capable of? And I get angry at myself, too. What am I doing about it? What even can I do? I can barely hold down a job. I am barely an adult. I am often mired in this feeling. It permeates everything. I'm living in a tragedy - not just my own, but millions and millions of others'. This is a nightmare. It's a nightmare and I'm an embarrassment, and my brain doesn't work right, and I'm living in a terrible reality that is shared by everyone, and yet somehow equally isolating and alienating to all of us. Does it have to be that way? Aren't we all lonely?

When I am spiraling I really do think that the end is near, either for me, or for everyone, or for both. To be fair, my confidence about humanity's future is not promising even when I am at my most sane. But in this kind of emotional place, the stakes are too high for me to care that what I say might come off as upsetting. It is completely overwhelming. I see my life up to this point, and I see how long I've been alive and realize I'm very Not Normal and I look and sound different than everyone around me and I'm an embarrassment. It's embarrassing to exist. It's embarrassing to be transgender, too. It's really, really embarrassing to be mentally ill and fully aware of it all the time. It's shameful. I am ashamed of how my family likely sees me. How my peers see me. I'm just a walking disaster. I feel like this bars me from leading a happy life or finding some success in art - It doesn't seem like you're allowed to be quite this much of a problem and "get away with it", does it? There's a bit of social sanitizing at work there - you are only allowed to be a certain level of messed up and if you pass that you're sort of a pariah. I don't think I've ever done anything pariah-worthy, but I can only see things from the inside of my own head, and there's a lot of unwanted noise in here.

I painted this when I lived in Oregon. I don't know how. I could not do art like this again if asked.

I'm not in a good place, generally-speaking. It could be worse - and it was for a long time- but it's still just not great. There are two reasons for this. One is that I'm very homesick. The other is that I found - and subsequently lost - my twin. But I only want to talk about the first reason right now - I grew attached to the Pacific Northwest in a way I've never really grown attached to any other place. It had a quality that exists nowhere else. It resonated with me immediately and I knew right away from the moment I first set foot there that it was my home. I grew to be a part of it, and it's the only place I felt I somewhat-belonged... I have been away from Oregon for 2 whole years as of next month. I feel like I'm a fish out of water, or a sapling in the wrong soil. I can't and won't say that the place I live currently is a bad place, but it isn't my place, and the disconnect has been maybe the nastiest shock to my system in all my life. Finding the place I loved, and living for over 12 years there, only to be wrenched away from it so suddenly, left a shock on me that I think has yet to surface in my work. I'm excited to see what form it takes when it does. Location is very important to my mental wellbeing, more than I think it is for most people. Maybe I am a plant. It's also very important for my art. I've struggled to find inspiration since I moved here. That said, I've had the very precious opportunity to just work on myself - on my transition, as well as my personal issues. I think I'm getting better, gradually, in some way. I have a job now, at least. So it's not entirely bad. I even grew sunflowers last summer.

Around this time I got banned from twitter, but I don't feel any shame about the reason why because I believe in my message. But it forced me to be a lot less active online for a long time. It also made me lose a lot of support. That's been something I've grappled with a lot these last 2 years - that people really don't like people like me, for reasons that are mostly not our fault. I will likely always be something of an outsider for being who I am now, but I was one before anyway. It's still worth it. I like the person I'm becoming. I feel like only recently did I allow myself to feel this self-love. I was too embarrassed of myself. It took a lot of patience and a lot of de-tangling my self-worth from a lot of trauma. So it's likely I would have needed to go through all of this regardless of where I was.

I still slip up. It's an uphill climb and it's slippery. I like to be transparent about these things. It's a relief - feeling like I need to hide things is my default state and it's lovely to just let go of stuff so I don't need to keep it in my head all the time. I have a lot of hangups still. I get discouraged about my art still - I fear I'll never build myself back up to where I was before, and that there will never be a time when I can really pay the bills with it. Or worse-still, that it just isn't special enough to last. That it isn't remarkable enough to survive after I'm gone. But I think a lot of people who make stuff feel that way, and it's not our fault. There's some relief in that. I'm happy to have even a few people that care about me and my work, and something I've been trying really hard to remember in recent years is to take time to appreciate them. I'm not actually alone. I have a lot of people that love me. I'm not an outsider. I'm very lucky to know the people I do, and I hold a deep regret for all the connections I've let go of because I was just too sick. Deep down I really do wish I could love everyone. I have no ill will towards anyone, not really.

I still don't know what I'm doing. I am just doing my best, I think. I'm really, really tired. I don't want to get any older. I'm scared of the passage of time. My memory is so bad, it feels like time is taken from me without me realizing. I am 33 years old. I do not have 33 years worth of memories. There are huge leaps. Gaps where suddenly I was just older and in more pain. Being adrift in time like this is horrific - one day I will blink, and the present moment may be completely forgotten. It can't go this fast. It just can't. Something has to be wrong. I don't want to die, I don't want to miss out on so much life or be unable to remember it. I don't want to find myself on my deathbed someday way sooner than I think and be unable to string together any kind of coherent thread from my memories. What is it all for? It has to mean something right? Why am I doing anything?

I think I finally understand that love is why. I don't know much more than that. Love is real, and it's the answer. If you find love, don't take it for granted, ever. No love is perfect. Take it with all its flaws. You don't have time to bargain with it. Love like you'll never love again, love like it's your last day alive, love like it will keep you alive forever, because it will. Every year closer to death you get, you will feel the regret of all the times you did not follow your heart. Life is short. I'm finding this out entirely too late. It goes by so fast, and what you have at the end are people and memories of being loved. To be loved is to live forever. It's the thing that connects us to everything else. It's the source and the answer to everything. It makes more sense the older I get. It used to sound cheesy, but I believe it with more sincerity every day.

I kept my last promise to you - there are no new scars on my arms, or bruises on my head or face.

#mental health posting #is there a better tag for that

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

love all your thoughts on eridan so much!! ive had erikar as a passive concept in my head since i started slowly rereading homestuck, bit i never invested as much thought into it...it makes a LOT of sense.

very curious on your thoughts on eridan and nepeta, if you have any? i dont really see much around of the two of them and how they may act around each other (most likely because, iirc, they have basically no substantial interaction in the comic....) but its a concept ive twisted around in my head a little.

Hahah, one of my friends is a Nepeta roleplayer, so we have hashed this OUT. Basically, I think if they talked a bit more, under the right circumstances, they might try pitch for a bit, but resolve to normal friendship. TL;DR, at the end of the day, they just don't really have anything to particularly hate about each other, or to particularly love, but I think they'd make for really good friends actually, if Eridan gets his shit together and Nepeta comes out of her shell a little more. She might wind up having to play auspice for him because... he has a lot of problems... and as a Heart player, with more proximity to him, she'd realize "oh, wait, he's not that bad, hes just mentally fucking ill," and there are people on the team who would not give him that kind of grace.

Flushed is pretty canonically off the table - despite having hit on her several times, Eridan seems to have accepted the rejection, and Nepeta herself comments that it always came off as "cr33py and insincere", which it probably was - he's clearly not over Feferi, and has a kind of "please god anyone would be fine I just don't want to be alone" vibe. Nepeta is definitely looking for more sincerity than that, and although Eridan's Type is very much cheerful, bubbly, nice girls (what he thinks Feferi is), I think they're pretty incompatible overall.

His antics and Emotional Issues would probably be super taxing on Nepeta long-term, he'd wind up in a million fights with protective Equius (Eridan is a crazed murderer even just objectively), and he's really not a particularly kind or pleasant person.

Meanwhile, although he's basically willing to go along with anything that'll get him attention, I think he'd be very puzzled by Nepeta's expectations that he do Romantic Things, or otherwise adhere to certain romantic tropes and social norms, which he can't do; when this inevitably leads to hurt feelings, his response to perceived danger is "fight," so he'd probably end up making it worse. So! Flushed is flushed. Down the load gaper, I mean.

Trying on pitch, I think if Nepeta was already a little bit out of her shell - say, Equius has died, or she's otherwise locked in a SGRUB dungeon with him, or something like that - she and he would come to blows over Eridan's performative casteism. Nepeta's the anti-casteism troll, after all, and if she's worked up enough, she's quite spirited and opinionated, and Eridan is down for anything, so it would be something I can absolutely see forming.

Actually, hilariously, when my friend and I RP'd this out, Nepeta wound up with a pitch crush, and Eridan wound up with a FLUSHED crush, because he was THAT BAD at differentiating between good and bad attention. Nepeta was totally floored, she was like, dude i was calling you stupid and terrible??? how the fuck did you interpret that as FLUSHED??? and eridan was like i dont know... maybe... i might have mental illness......

The problem is, I don't see their pitched dalliance lasting, for two main reasons - the first is that Eridan wouldn't hate Nepeta long-term, even if he can work up some caliginous energy because he's desperate; she's too genuinely nice and kind and he loves nice and kind people. Similarly, Nepeta wouldn't be able to hate Eridan the more she got to know him - since he's kind of the least casteist highblood, despite his initial impression, she would lose her fundamental reason for opposing him, and would instead start going "oh god, hes so traumatized, he's like that because he's really messed up inside."

The second is because I think they're dangerous for each other, physically. Eridan is a volatile highblood with severe emotional problems and a bodycount in the thousands, and Nepeta is very reckless in the face of danger; I can genuinely see them going a little too hard and Eridan getting a bit of a highblood buzz and winding up severely injuring Nepeta, which he would feel completely fucking terrible about, and then not allow himself to ACT like he feels terrible about it. Even if they stay in the relationship, it would kill his vibe, since when he isn't on an outright murder spree, he doesn't want to hurt his friends ("wwhat kind of friend wwould i be"). And that's not even factoring in how much EQUIUS would flip out over it.

I also don't think Nepeta is particularly equipped to deal with Eridan's problems, even if she does recognize and sympathize with them more than most on their team. Although she'd have more success than others, I think it'd leave her exhausted, because Eridan is exhausting. A Heart player obsessed with true feelings and sincerity and genuineness is just a bad match for the kid who's 90% façade.

So, ultimately, I think they'd resolve to really good friends, and Nepeta might wind up being a middle leaf for Eridan in an auspicetism situation, since Eridan... tends to draw aggro, and Nepeta at least would care about him enough that she doesn't want to see him get killed (even in the comic, as Nepetasprite, she expresses sadness that Eridan is dead, although she doesn't seem to know about his murders).

Eridan is also a roleplayer, lest we forget, and if Nepeta is able to draw out rare flashes of genuineness, they do have a bunch in common - she could commiscerate with him over the thrill of the hunt (although she'd have to be careful not to get too into the weeds about the, uh, Troll Murder aspect), RP with him (in a safe environment), or gossip about romance. They're both pretty painfully sincere people at their core, so while I ultimately don't see them being particularly romantically compatible, I do really love the idea of them being close friends. If only Eridan didn't always make things Fucking Weird.

And also since I really love pitch FefNep, Nepeta becoming friends with Eridan would help fuel her hate dates with Feferi - ":33 < do you even realize how messed up killing lusii fur YOU left him???" "W)(at would you )(ave preferred, t)(at my lusus went )(ungry and krilled everybody? 3X0"

#eridan ampora #homestuck #nepeta leijon

[genderkoolaid]

I think people forget that atheism ≠ anti-theism. Like in the same way, say, asexuality ≠ anti-sex/sexuality. Somebody talking about how antisemitism is bad is not saying people who don't believe in god are Bad, they're saying being against religious people is bad. And for asexuality, not being sexual yourself does not automatically mean you are against people who are

From what I've seen the basis for antitheism is "religion is inherently harmful and getting rid of religion will improve the world." but the problems with that imo are:

religion is a made up concept that's almost meaningless. like its a well known issue that "religion" is such a vague concept that is deeply western which is why its often really really hard to apply it to the vast majority of human spiritual traditions. hell even "religio" in the context of roman polytheism doesn't map exactly onto the concept of "religion"! like in a lot of cases the line between "religion" and "philosophy" is blurred or nonexistent. not to mention that there are religious atheists. jewish atheists are probably the best example since judaism tends to be far more open to that kind of complexity & fosters a culture which allows people to engage with judaism in a variety of ways. but there are people who don't believe in god or jesus-as-savior but are christians for cultural or philosophical reasons. there are tons and tons of atheists buddhists because its a helpful way of engaging with life regardless of whether or not you believe in samsara literally. the idea that there is this strict binary between Religion and Atheism is, like all binaries, made up.

scapegoating religion for all of humanity's problems is just unhelpful. the idea that religion is this force will propels people to do bad things, and that without religion we wouldn't do them, ignores how humans shape religion to our benefit. there's a reason that wealthy kings who want to maintain power emphasize interpretations of the bible or quran that endorse war while downplaying the ones that endorse peace and compassion. for the same reason that people will support philosophies that view humans as inherently mean and violent and in need of control instead of ones that view us as capable of communal care and cooperation- you don't need to believe in a deity to create a reason why you need to kill another group of people and take their shit. religion is a way this happens, and its important that this is dealt with, but this is not a unique feature of religion. getting rid of religion will not fix our shitty behavior.

going off 1 and 2: trying to get rid of "religion" will inevitably mean fucking over marginalized groups who have already had their spirituality attacked and whose culture cannot be so easily separated from their spirituality. and even beyond that, antitheism is just another way of trying to force a belief onto people. believing in no god is no more objectively correct than believing in one, or any other spiritual concept. there are always going to be spiritual people. also you can say "but there are nonwhite/formerly nonchristian antitheists!!" as much as you want but that doesn't change that saying shit like "all your beliefs are childish and mentally ill, you need an educated intellectual to make you realize you are being stupid and irrational and make you think correctly" is absolutely some classic colonial white supremacist bullshit.

also trying to force atheism on people actually does not help atheists. because it in fact only makes it easier for people to stigmatize atheism as inherently destructive and hostile.

anyways now that anon can get mad for being a wretched child ranting about antitheism. now i've earned it.

#m. #ask box

[eternalmarvel]

MK1 BI-HAN X READER ~ feint ~

an: no wayy almost close to 100 notes in just a day of posting my first work in so long thanks so much everyone 🫶 in honour of this ill be posting a short drabble (lets see how long this really is after im done writing) anyways this work is inspired by THIS tiktok linked below vvv !! if u don't watch it u won't understand what prompted this fic so highly advise u watch this before u read

note: bi-han and reader are married in this story

also guys this story WILL be having bespectacled bi-han bc u can NOT tell me that man does not wear reading glasses when he gets older. i can totally see his vision getting worse and him having to begrudgingly resort to glasses to read documents and books .... i included a rough image of what that looks like (dont come for me im not an editor)

it was not often that you saw your husband battered from kombat. most days when he went out to spar or fight, there's be a few bruises and scratches here and there sure, but nothing that was so severe that you had to sit down and tend to his wounds. even if he did get injured, most of the time he patched himself up before you could lay eyes on him. it was a bright fall day at the lin kuei stronghold, with most of the ombre-braised leaves littering the ground of the courtyard. you had taken over as a mentor at the lin kuei, focusing on the academics of each initiate's journey to becoming a ninja (though it took a lot of convincing your dear old husband before he ever agreed to let you onboard).

~~

"c'mon, bi-han. you can't just train the initiates physically. they gotta be trained mentally too! you can't possibly think the only problems people face are the ones in front of them -- it's the ones that are in their heads that they gotta defeat too."

bi-han propped himself up against the headboard of your marital bed, his hair messy around his head with his feet outstretched in a relaxed manner (which was much too rare for the grandmaster). he had his reading glasses on and a lounge hanfu wrapped loosely around his body, skimming some documents. rather than entertaining your antics, he ignored you and continued to read the ledger in front of him. you groaned sheepishly, prompting bi-han to look up at you with a hint of annoyance, as you plopped yourself right beside him.

"it's a good idea and you know it.....you just won't admit it..," you playfully pouted. bi-han continued to skim through his document as he gently ran his fingers through your hair and your scalp, prompting a deep sigh from you.

"not a sustainable idea, (name)." you quickly got up and faced him, determined to make a point. "i can make it sustainable! you have to give me a chance to prove it though."

bi-han closed his reading and you could now see the glasses perched up on the plateau of his nose. he was older now and his cryomancy did no favours for his vision -- as he increased his use of snow, his vision degraded. it was you that gave him the nudge to rectify his vision but he didn't budge, said that his vision was fine. it took getting suckerpunched by a VERY apologetic initiate at close-range for him to finally realize that his vision was nowhere where it used to be and if he wanted to retain his position as grandmaster, changes were going to have to be made. you made sure to help pick out his glasses, choosing the frames and lens meticulously and helping him put them on. you could hardly control ur salivation looking at him try on reading glasses that made him look all sophisticated and scholarly. after much pushback, you both decided on a subtle and sleek pair that wouldn't garner too much foreign attention (spoiler alert: it absolutely did). the first few days that bi-han wore the glasses, everyone found it hard to pry their eyes away from him. tomas had to stifle his giggles out of fear that bi-han would strangle him, kuai couldn't help but tease him everytime he laid eyes on his glasses, and the younger initates mistakenly (accidentally? who knows) referred to him as "dad."

bi-han leans forward, his hair clinging to his face, leaning for a kiss but you put your hand between the two of yours' lips as a barrier.

"you get nothing unless you agree to my idea, grandmaster."

bi-han leaned back against the headboard, faced towards you. he took a few brief moments to speak before giving you a soft small smile and gazing at you cautiously with his mellow brown eyes.

"if that is what my wife wishes," he whispers lowly.

~~

you had given most of the initates a set of books that they were to have studied by the end of the year. this prompted a bunch of groans and boos from some of the students, seeing that they wanted to get to the 'ninja' side of things rather than slowly well-rounding all their skills. no one dared to personally say anything to you though, considering you were the grandmaster's wife and any complaint directed at you would be personally dealt with by the grandmaster himself (and it would not go well for the complainant).

you drew out an elaborate web of themes and concepts on the board in front of you.

"alright students, which one of you would like to tell me what this represents. how can we use it practically in our routine?," you say, pointing to one of the themes on the board. the room was pitch silent and you could hear a few yawns here and there.

"come on guys. i'm not doing this for myself, i'm doing this to help you guys out. the quicker you guys can answer this, the quicker we can get out of here," you say matter-of-factly. before you can continue on with your lesson, you hear people arguing and yelling outside. 2 of the initiates at the back of the room pry open the training room's doors ajar so they could take a look and listen to what was going on outside, but you didn't entertain this at all. yelling, fighting, whatever it may be, it was a stronghold, of course it would be common.

"hey. there is nothing going on outside that you need to be familiar with more than what we have in here. pay attention to the lesson please!" you exclaimed with an exasperated expression. the initiates nodded their head and let out a meager "sorry ma'am" for their inconvenience.

"now, everyone. as i was saying, wh-" before you could finish your sentence, the doors to the training room were thrown open. you could probably punch a whole through the wall with all the anger you were feeling. who the hell decided this time that it was a good idea to interrupt you?

"(name), ma'am, the grandmaster is injured and i think you should take a look at him," one of the initiates breathlessly whispers. it's clear that he ran all this way to get your attention.

"what?! oh my god......is his condition stable right now? is he doing okay? where is he?" you exclaimed.

the initiate gestured you to follow him and you agreed.

"alright students, just a mere diversion but by the time i get back, you all better be done the next chapter because i'm gonna grill you on it!" you proclaimed as you zoomed down the stronghold's corridors. when you finally made it to the room bi-han was in, you walked in to see kuai, tomas, sektor, and cyrax crowded by his bed in the infirmary.

"bi-han...." you whispered quietly as your eyes went wide. your husband was laying in the bed, resting like a mummy. bandages curtained his chest, arms, and forehead. his face was stressed -- he was asleep and yet a frown graced his face indicating that he was conscious but unaware of his surroundings. your first instinct was to push past sektor and sit down beside bi-han on the chair. kuai had intentionally left the seat empty so that you could comfort bi-han.

"how the hell did this happen kuai?" you asked, furiously. kuai grimaced at your expression.

"don't blame this on me, (name). he's your husband. you know he takes too much on himself and then ends up all injured."

you looked at the physician who had just finished cleaning up your husband's wounds in desperation, wondering what the hell even happened.

"he's alright. i've patched up any severe wounds and stuck him to an IV. you'll have to nurse him for the next few days though." the bespectacled physician prompted, pushing his glasses to the ridge of his nose.

you chuckled, putting your hands on your bandaged husband's chest, caressing him. "nurse him? what is he, a baby? you said he should be fine."

the physician prepares for a response before bi-han stirs awake. you smile at him as you await him to fully regain consciousness.

"huh....who is....wha..." bi-han murmurs as his eyes adjust to the natural lighting of the infimary.

"bi-han....you're awake! i'm glad." you smile brightly, as your hands move up and down his treated chest. bi-han glances between your hands on his upper body and you, before letting out a loud groan and plopping his head back on his pillow.

"don't."

you look at him confused. "what?"

"i have a wife......she'll kill you if she finds out you've laid your hands on me," he says sternly with his hoarse voice.

you get up from your seat and lean in closer to him with a big smile shone across your face, a light blush spread across your cheeks. you found it adorable that even in such a horrible condition, your husband was loyal to you and you only. kuai looks confused at bi-han, wondering if dementia has caught up to him after all these years while tomas lets out a small chuckle at what his grandmaster was saying knowing that bi-han is too weak to really do or say anything to him.

"i am your wife, my love."

bi-han looks back at you with a neutral expression on his face and you can see his face shift into surprise, then pure flush. you stand there beautifully over him with the hair moved from your face, your scent lingering over him. there is a perfect mix of concern and amusement engraved into your expression, much to bi-han's arousal. a heavy blush creeps onto his face, unlike one you've seen before, and the monitor regulating his heartbeats goes off the charts. it's evident that bi-han's heartrate has boosted EXPONENTIALLY.

"well i'll be damned. our grandmaster might just have a crush on someone." cyrax states. you and the rest of the ninjas turn around and look to cyrax, chuckling but bi-han's gaze remains on you. it's almost as though he is in awe that he married someone like you.

"clear the room," you demand authoritatively. the ninjas and the physician bow their head and comply with your demand, leaving you and your husband alone in the emptiness of the infirmary.

"do you need more heat? are you doing okay my love?" you ask as you get closer to your husband. he looks at you carefully before speaking again.

"perhaps....a little more heat." you smile and obey, grabbing a few candles from the cupboard in the corner of the room and bringing it closer to him. bi-han props himself up against his pillow and disregards everything you're doing just to stare at you. it puts a bit of pressure on you and you get nervous. even if he was on litres of morphine, he was still a LITTLE intimidating. he grabs your forearm gently and starts to bring you close.

"i meant in perhaps a different manner....."

you entertain him.

"i'll let your wife know that you desire to engage in intimate relations with me," you smirk bringing yourself closer to him. he leans back and looks at you in pure confusion and a hint of disgust.

"but i t-"

you ignore his protests and put your lips on his, murmuring "joke, my love" into his mouth as he kisses you back passionately. the morphine was doing its job and bi-han was entranced by the passion. you could get used to your husband being all submissive like this for you for a while now.

#sub zero x reader #mk sub zero #sub zero #bi han x y/n #bi han x reader #bi han #bi han sub zero #mk1 bi han #mk1 #mk1 x reader #mk1 2023

[tailsdollr]

hi everyone, I'd like to discuss something with you if you're a fan of my work. Especially with this guy up here^

I'd like to start this off with, if you are ablist in any way. If you do not see a problem with finding This World of Edd as funny. Please fuck off.

I had never found this episode as funny, and never realized that it was met as humor. I thought the ending was for shock and was in poor taste with the subject matter. Like most early animations of it's time.

But that's not why I'm bringing this up.

Leftbound and any of my other writings, are personal. The au was met to express emotion to an abstract level. How emotion can twist your world and be confusing and bring you to feeling alone.

I don't want to excuse anyone else for depicting Edd as a spooky serial killer because that's stupid. And annoying as fuck that people are doing that and have done that. This isn't a new thing.

But that was never my intention with this, but also I don't believe that matters.

If you find my work ablist or have a problem with it. Please speak to me, and other Eddsworld fans. I've seen people excuse that most of the fan base is teens but if you're 16. You should know better.

For now, Leftbound isn't ending. None of my work is stopping. I love this AU. And you may dislike my interpretation of Edd or find it stereotypical. But that's a thing too.

It's valid to think that! Everyone has their own experiences, even the stereotypical ones.

I don't want to continue what This World of Edd did. I want to make it my own. We can't simply leave things in the past. We critique them, and make our own.

I have disabilities, and many I have written Edd with here or the other characters. I experience it. But your voice matters. Someone who is a women can support and spread misogyny. And I don't want to spread ablism.

I will be writing of something of Leftbound, but I realize appearance is more strong that words sometimes. And some may find work of Left Edd and think he's scary and supposed to kill people.

Yeah Edd kills people, not in this au but in general. That's not because he's fucking mentally ill tho. Stop drawing that stuff.

If you don't agree or do. I may be repeating myself but please share what you think.

Thank you for reading. And I hope you understand why I had to speak of this.

#my art #art #doodles #leftbound #au #leftbound au #eddsworld au #eddsworld #long post #important #ablism #serious #trying to post this was so frustrating the app kept glitching i apologize #eddsworld leftbound

[autolenaphilia]

Misandry is not real

Apparently some of the transmisandry/androphobia people have evolved into believing in just plain old misandry now.

Which is such an absurd concept, because we live in a patriarchy. Misandry is the idea that men are oppressed for being men. And the problem with that is that they are not. Not that men can't be oppressed, but they are oppressed for other reasons.

For fuck's sake. I realize not everyone has had my experiences of listening to men talk while they believe i'm one of them while actually listening with critical distance and being secretly horrified. But come on.

cw for discussions of rape, because i have to explain some things.

The father joking about shooting his daughter's boyfriends is a jokey expression of ownership over his daughter. It's the old misogynist idea that daughters are the property of their fathers until they get married and become property of their husbands. And fathers are still often a bit uncomfortable with their daughters exercising autonomy in who they choose to date and marry. The dad wants her to only marry a man he approves of. And that sentiment is expressed in a joke.

And like men are worried over other men being predatory and raping "their" women, but it's again an expression of ownership over women. Misogynist men view women as a resource men compete over. And are offended by rape only when it's committed by other men and they view it as essentially theft. Like until the 1960s rape was defined legally as only happening outside of marriage (and these laws took decades to change, these legal reforms just started in the 60s). Husbands could force sex from their wives as much as they want. The worry was solely about men raping women who belonged to other men. Due to white supremacy, this is often expressed in fears of black men raping white women, who are seen as belonging to white men.

And you can see this in how narratives of rape are still focused on the "stranger danger". The weirdo in a ski mask hiding in the bushes. Despite rape being way more often committed by boyfriends and husbands. The weirdo hiding in the bushes is a way of externalizing the problem of rape upon men coded autistic or mentally ill, which is ableism not misandry.

And the threat is not seen as exclusively coming from other men. Cis lesbians are still seen as women, and a part of lesbophobia is them being accused of being sexual predators against other women. That's not misandry. The fear over sapphic trans women raping cis women is just a particularly virulent form of that. It's particularly bad because sapphic trans women live at the intersection of misogyny, transphobia and lesbophobia.

Masculinity is full of fears about women being threatened by rape. But this is not a concern about men having sex with women without consent in general. If a man are seen as the rightful owner of a woman he can rape her as much as he wants. So it's not about misandry about men as a group. It's about other men violating that ownership, and the men who are bad in these narratives are viewed as such because of things like race.

These other negative stereotypes that men supposedly believe about themselves, queer people like me and the transmasc writing the post i quoted might view them as solely negative. And we do that for good reason. But I don't think that's how the men who internalize these ideas about masculinity sees them. Instead they are viewed as positives.

Their anger and aggression is righteous, men need it to defend family and nation against aggressors. The "stupidity" is seen in anti-intellectual terms as a clear focus on the facts and common sense as opposed to ivory tower academic theorizing that have lost contact with reality (such as gender studies and queer theory). Conservative Masculine men often have a fascistoid contempt for weakness (i wish harald ofstad was translated to english), so having little empathy for suffering is seen as good. Empathizing with women, trans people or immigrants is seen as making you vulnerable to manipulation from them. The narrative of the trans woman asking to be seen as a woman and be let into women's bathrooms to commit rape is a good example of this kind of anti-empathy narrative. There is similar rhetoric about immigrants.

And the thing about how men should either die in war or work hard to provide for their family. These things are seen as positive by mainstream society, men are glorified as heroes for doing them. And such work is glorified in a way that women's work is not. Like i'm a leftist and thus critical both of militarism and capitalist ideology about work, but those are the problem, not some mythical misandry.

Outside of some feminist spaces, (cis) men being masculine is seen as a good thing. And those deemed men by society are punished for not fulfilling them. Feminists see those same stereotypes as being bad. Masculinity does limit men, but it also is an expression of power in a patriarchy. It gives them a license to do horrible things towards women. Not just women of course, masculinity also legitimatizes violence against non-binary people, and even other men as masculinity plays a huge part in homophobia but also racism.

(gods, considering the rhetoric i've seen sometimes, I, a proud trans woman, will probably be accused of being a terf for writing this, which is basic feminist analysis. LIke people have no idea of what radfem ideology actually means, and confuse like basic feminist analysis with radfem appropriation of that analysis. Like the actual problems with radfem ideology like bioessentialism, transmisogyny and swerfery seem to not be part of some people's terf spotting radar. )

Speaking of transmisogyny, this is what made me really angry with this post, because it's personal.

I don't know how to put this gently, but saying that transmisogyny is actually due to hatred of men is actually really transmisogynistic. This is not the only post on the interwebs that do this, not by far, but it's galling everytime.

This is not even the worst of it, because at least it partially attributes our oppression to misogyny.

But this kind of rhetoric is still misgendering trans women. It defines us in the discussion of our oppression through the misgendering rhetoric of transmisogynists. It claims to oppose transmisogyny as it furthers it, gives weight to its rhetoric.

It takes transmisogynist claims at face value. Like the basic claim of terf rhetoric is that "We are just concerned about men hurting women, and trans women are men, so they have to kept from female spaces." And these posts just accepts the idea that this kind of thing is aimed at men, except its clearly not, because men aren't hurt by this in the slightest, trans women are. Men aren't seen as infiltrating women's spaces to rape them, trans women are. Men aren't excluded from public spaces by things like bathrooms bans, trans women are.

When you can't go to the bathroom safely, you are efffectively excluded or at least strongly limited from going out in public.

The problem is that it imagines transmisogyny as solely consisting of iinterpersonal interactions and hateful rhetoric instead of a system of structural oppression that turns transfems into a discriminated and oppressed underclass in all patriarchal societies.

And transfems is an underclass that don't have their own oppression in common with cis men, as this "transmisogyny is actually misandry" ideaimplies, but in fact are oppressed by them.

It's basically a claim that doesn't believe trans women are women, but gender non-conforming men. It's basically saying If trans women don't pass as cis, and are therefore misgendered as men, that means we are oppressed as men. It thus furthers the inherent transmisogyny in that misgendering. It ignores our womanhood to discuss our being oppressed as men. It's absurd since cis men aren't at all oppressed like we are.

Again, men can be oppressed, but they aren't oppressed for being men and trans women definitely aren't oppressed for being men. A meaningful solidarity in fighting oppression between some trans women and some men can be grounded in other forms of oppression that affect members of both groups like racism or ableism or transphobia, but there is no single oppression of misandry that unites them.

Cis men are just not treated like trans women are. Misgendering us as men is not giving us the male privilege they have. That kind of misgendering rhetoric is a way to hurt us with words instead of some honest description of the the violence that is being enacted upon us.

I'm not saying that gender non-conforming men (and homophobia against gay men is strongly related to that) aren't oppressed. But they are not oppressed for being men, they are oppressed for their gender non-conformity. And the hatred and disgust against men for being feminine is strongly related to misogyny, because being feminine or womanlike is seen as bad or lesser.

That's because misogyny is a fundamental part of how a patriarchal society operates. Misandry is not real.

#my writings #cw: rape #transmisogyny

[an3le3h]

Visitors on the train

(I'm sorry for disappearing for a while, I was busy with family problems and some mental illnesses that prevent me from being happy😔, and also that I'm very focused on my comic book which I post on the Web toon, but I hope you like it a lot 🙂💞💞💞)

One dark night, Nico and Serafine were in a corner smoking and laughing about some situation, Halina didn't pay much attention as she was very focused on the train map, but it was difficult with the burning smell of cigarettes in the air.

Mordecai: so?

Halina: as the train will stop at this station, we can use it to sneak in.

Serafine: And why don't we just get to this station, shoot everyone and get the booze?

Halina looks indignant: this station also has normal passengers who will take normal trains, this includes children, elderly people-

Nico interrupted: we just don't shoot them

Halina: Have you guys never heard about "missed shot"? We can accidentally kill someone.

Serafine rolls her eyes and Nico laughs, both of them really didn't care much about the consequences. While Halina is distracted, Mordecai takes a look at the map and wonders...

Mordecai: do you think others will be crazy to get the drinks too?

Halina: I really doubt it, no one in the whole world knows about this, besides this train passing once a year... at least that's what Mr. Sweet said.

Mordecai lets out a long sigh, adjusting his glasses, something in the back of his mind said he wouldn't return home until 10:30 in the morning.

(train station)

Serafine would never think that so many people would want to take the train at night, but it makes it easier, many people hide it. Halina was attentive, she looked like a child who had just stolen coins from her father's pocket, she looked around, fussed, paid attention to all the trains... the only thing that could be heard was the clicking of her heels on the ground.

Nico: this train is taking too long.

Mordecai: you are too anxious.

Nico finishes smoking his cigarette, throws it on the floor and Serafine steps on it, after all, Nico wasn't wearing shoes.

Halina finally locates the train, the doors open and some train workers deliver some apparently normal packages... perhaps, Halina didn't want to think too much, she counted the perfect time and entered without anyone seeing, unlike Nico who had to knock out 2 people.

Halina: I say "be careful not to be seen" and you attract the attention of 2 people.

Serafine: well, it's not his fault he's so tall.

Nico gave a goofy smile while Halina swallowed her answer, Serafine was right. They thought everything would work out, but they didn't realize that another group had gotten on the train.

next stop: despair

Mordecai was looking for the boxes that could hold the drinks, but it was like a maze made of boxes, he never thought a wagon could be so disorganized.

Serafine: we've been here for hours, are you sure it's the right train?

Halina: yes, I'm sure Serafine: it doesn't seem like it.

Halina: what do you mean by that?

Serafine: mistakes can happen

Halina was quite offended and irritated by the comment, but she wasn't going to stoop to her level.

Mordecai looked from box to box, until the train gives a very strong swing and accidentally steps on something wet, he automatically becomes disgusted, but he looks further and realizes that one of the boxes was leaking.

Mordecai: I think I found the drinks. They both quickly go to where Mordecai is and locate the box, Nico opens it with some of his strength and surprise! A box full of drinks.

Serafine: it's like looking at a resources

Nico: and look, there's one already open.

Serafine, with a smile of victory, picks up the bottle that was leaking: well, we can't waste it Before Serafine can try the drink.

Halina takes it from her hand and closes the bottle tightly.

Halina: that bottle is not yours. Serafine is irritated, but accepts the answer.

After a few minutes, the train would stop at another station, and that was another's key to escaping with the drink and gaining her victory, Halina had come up with the perfect plan, nothing would get in the way. It was so wrong.

*in another carriage*

Girl 1: there is nothing in these boxes

Girl 2: it can't be, we've already looked at 3 carriages

Girl 3: there are still many wagons left, this plan is going to waste.

Girl 4: shhh

Girl 3: oh?.... She said "SHH" to me.

Girl 2: honey, you also need to be more comprehensive.

Girl 4: sshhhh

Girl 2:.....go to shit with your "shhh"

Girl 4: Listen!

The cats were silent to listen, and they heard someone celebrating because they found a drink.

Girl 4: shit, they found it first than us.

Girl 3: well, we just have to have a "very friendly conversation", after all, we are delicate ladies.

Both cats laughed at the idea, both were armed to the teeth and ready to make new corpses in the cemetery.

Halina was calmer but her peace ended when she found the carriage door being kicked open, Halina and the others were crouched on the ground and quickly grabbed their weapons, it wasn't a good idea to have firearms but they were the unique. options. There was dead silence in the carriage, only hearing the footsteps.

Nico whispers: is it a woman?

Serafine whispers: From the noise, the shoe seems to be of excellent quality.

Halina made an angry face that made the two brothers shut up, it was funny to see her forcing her face like that. The jump continued walking around the carriage looking for them, Serafine lifts her head a little and realizes that it was indeed a woman, she had short hair and was wearing a hat.

Nico looks along and smiles: it's easy, leave it to me.

Nico tries to come from behind, but is surprised by a very strong arm grabbing his neck from behind, how ironic.

Serafine shoots and almost hits the enemy, but the woman hits him in the stomach with a brass knuckle and he falls to the ground without air, Nico never thought a punch could be so strong.

Halina shoots, but misses and makes them both fall to the ground.

Halina and Serafine advance, but are surprised by 2 more armed people, she noticed that one of them had knives…… she was very confused.

While Nico was on the ground without air, the girl steps on his back, hurting him a little, Serafine shoots but receives another shot, which makes her very angry.

Girl 1: more visitors? Cool!

Girl 3: this drink is ours.

Serafine: this guy you're stepping on is ours.

Girl 4: look, we have things that everyone wants, how ironic.

Mordecai: we're not going to hand over the drink that easily.

Girl 2: and we're not going to hand over your friend that easily.

Halina:.... If you wanted, you could have already made holes in this carriage... what do you want?

Girl 1: how about a deal?

to be continued...

@wpk12art

#lackadaisy #lackadaisy cats #meme #art #mordecai lackadaisy #lackadaisy serafine #nicodeme lackadaisy

[blinkpen]

mental heath stuff (not bad just candid)

dunno if i'll regret sharing this just yet, maybe i should have sat on it a little more until i knew exactly if i should share and how much, but parts of me really insist, and so i guess we're going for it

and i word that way because

months of exhausting processing has led me to conclude that I’m a system, so I’m still in the undertaking of cataloging an awful lot of shit into one rolodex. the kicker is i probably have been one for at least 20 years, but everyone got along so well and so cooperatively, like the most well harmonized combining mecha, that is oblivious to the fact it even is one. nobody even needed nametags in here.

…mostly. warning signs were there, it's just some of the issues that come from this sort of thing that did leak through, were hiding under other conditions that already cause similar complications. if you're familiar with the messier mental illnesses and all the ways they start to functionally melt at the edges and trade symptoms in odd places and our understanding of it all is still so half-formed, you'll probably get what i mean. hopefully people following me understand none of this crap works like it tends to get depicted in media

i'm schizophrenic and my mind is a fucking enigma anyway

anyway

then one "new" alter woke up last november in response to an acute straw breaking camel's back moment of abuse at home after enduring way too much for way too long, but the alter is not actually new, is technically one of the oldest, but she's been 'asleep' for like a decade and her point of origin is even older than that obviously this one was SO different and possessed SUCH a different headspace and set of tastes and desired behaviors, and subsequently threw equilibrium off so badly, all the components of the mecha suddenly realized they were components bc now the situation kind of required acknowledging that fact to proceed to even get starting fixing shit.

its like

"who is this weird one who broke everything" "no clue, you guys got any ideas?" "why would we have any ideas you don't, we're all us" "yeah like what do you even mean by You Guys?" "i think they're joking, like, because we're all copies of the same person, like the spongebob bit with the fine dining, they're asking themself rhetorically because it's funny…….. …….we are all the same person right. this is a metaphor. like the spongebob bit…… right….." "why are we not all immediately agreeing" "because before we could all reflexively say yes we realized we all had different definitions of The Same Person we are"

this is a gross oversimplification of course

this was a lot to process for pretty much all parts of me save one (incidentally, not the new one, the new one isn't shocked, but is a crybaby, so they didn't take Existing (Again) (2. Electric Boogaloo) very well. they do not take the prospect of 'going back to sleep' veryy either, though. so we're having to slightly redesign the mecha)

mostly through the worst of it, but among other problems we're still working to repair, this sleeper code alter caused a catastrophic system failure in the ventilation and even though everyone is mostly calmed down now, they can still smell everyone else's scented candles in their personal quarters, which is annoying when some of them have VERY different tastes in scents)

annoying, but not ruinous. fixing the AC is low priority compared to other things

like the pneumonic tube that used to let everyone hot potato information and memories from any time they were the one obliviously in the cockpit, we had a pretty damn good one, it was working so well we didn't know why we were even using it, and assumed its regular but manageable failings were just, natural, or because of some other factor affecting the tubes themselves or potato availability, and not considering most people do not have these potato tubes at all

yes i will probably make some kind of comic to conceptualize and visually externalize this i struggle to feel understood without doodles

also, while typing this post, specifically, tumblr did a fucky wucky, and when i realized i'd made an entire other post in the tags, i went to try to copy/paste them into the post but the nature of the fucky wucky prevented this. i'm really not in the mood to retype all that so it's just a screenshot now

#sporadic warbling #the good news the venn diagram between us all in terms of what we believe in and whats okay to do or not n shit mostly lines up #tho the scented candles thing is actually less trivial than it sounds / impacts QoL more than i'm willing to get into rn but we live #also the memory thing but my memory was bad before and after the fact #its taking so long to fix the potato pipes and i'm tired of manual potato delivery so i'm entering my Fuck the Potatoes era #like well kids i had a presentation prepared but the overhead's broken and i could make you do a worksheet instead #but why not let you just go play outside while the janitor and i fix the overhead. it's not fair the principle took away recess anyway.

[in3rci4]

TBP HEADCANONS ABOUT ....

{ Friend / someone they know with addiction problems / who's a bad influence }

Characters included : Finney Blake , Gwendolyn Blake , Robin Arellano , Bruce Yamada , Billy Showalter , Griffin Stagg , Vance Hopper

Warnings ! ! : Angst , addiction subject , mention of underage , physical and mental consequences of consuming , some characters would be influenced in consuming as well , crime commiting , mental illness , gun owning , aggression ( verbal and physical ) , manipulation , toxic attitudes , drugs , weed , alcoholism , smoking , no specific pronouns , etc

Author's note : if YOU or someone you know is going through some of these things help them if you can , sometimes actions are better than words , but do not let yourself or others be at risk , remember to always keep in mind that addiction can lead the person to lose touch with reality or with their emotions and will not act the same as before , so if the problem it's too big for you to handle , try to seek professional help if you feel out of control or seeking these substances more than normal or another close person of your circle , it's never late to change. End of the note .

Finney Blake would ...

Stay away from those type of people . I feel like it's easy to picture him as someone who would try to seek help for them or be in touch without difficulty with people like this but no , he lives in a constant survival mode with his father who's an alcoholic , so he knows how hard it is to keep it on when the addiction changes the person's mood and treats harshly or carelessly the ones they're close . He's not against helping a person in need as long they don't represent any danger and he's able to move on with his life , would be polite and kind in a conversation but will not befriend someone who's notoriously bad news , he's ok with fighting if it's in your defense , but constant trouble is just a no

Gwendolyn Blake would...

Not care as long as they don't treat her bad or force her into consuming as well . It's not like she would seek a bad influence on her life purposely , but if someone she met is nice and cool enough she would slowly befriend them with time . I think she would try to make the person stop consuming or at least less than normal , tell them that she doesn't like when they do it in front of her . But like I said , contrary of Finney , she's unintentionally used to it and wouldn't see that much of problem , but the second they try to make her consume as well or treat her bad she would not think twice in getting away or defend herself . She would also cut all sort of friendship if the person hurts others that are innocent , her friends or brother

Robin Arellano would...

Not care at first but would slowly start to consume as well , the habit staying with him for life even if they stop talking with the bad influence person . The person got his attention because of their fighting skills and reputation , they getting along with Robin and he would soon notice their love for smoking and drinking . At first , like I said previously , he would not care or say anything about it , it's their problem he would say , but with time he would try some just to impress the person a little , realizing that he can get even more respect from them and the school if he kept the habits . He normalized this because I believe his uncle might also smoke and drink but he would not rationalize that he's an adult and he's still in school trying to pass the year .The bad influence would make him be more irresponsible than before , this would be noticed by their family and they would scold him for it , that's when he would try to stop and moderate himself . The only way he cuts all friendship between him and that person is that they want him to do drugs , starts to mock him or hurts innocent people , that would make him back off from that person in a blink , if so person confronts Robin , he would aggressively told them to leave him alone and might be physically violent if they persist . If not , he would not see the problem in them . If so case Robin moved on from them , the damage would be already done , because he would keep smoking and drinking all along to relieve some stress , growing up with the bad habits

Bruce Yamada would...

Become addicted as well but would recover himself completely . I see him as a party type of guy and he definitely tried alcohol before but in a small amount , never getting to the drunk state until he goes to a party with strong drinks and would probably still in there because he would dismiss any danger . If pressured , I feel that Bruce would try drugs thinking it would be a one time occasion , but no . A bad game streak would make him feel on the line of being a disappointment in everyone's eyes , so in need of a distraction he goes to a party , the bad influence shows up again and tells him to take once more the substances to " feel alive " . His winning streak came back and he started to celebrate party after party , getting more and more addicted , convinced it was making him more confident and efficient on the game , but that wasn't enough , he would search outside those events and even take them before every game because he firmly believed it was the cause of his luck . It isn't until his family , clean friend , school authority or Bruce getting into a fight with a baseman for loosing where his parents grounded him , and in that time , he realizes what he had done . Later he would tell other people himself about what he been through , get himself distance from alcohol , drugs , cigarettes , bad influences , everything , focusing on the sport that he loves so much and the little simple things in life that don't need anything more to be special

Billy Showalter would ...

Try to help the person but would move on if they keep consuming . It really depends if he knows them better or not , if he never spoke once with you , he won't care , even if it's sad seeing someone's on his age consuming he would keep doing his thing . The story changes when that person is a close friend or family , then he would try everything that he can to make them understand that it's not the way , if he has the opportunity babysitting / parenting the person after a hangover , munchies , near overdose , fight , etc . But even if he wants to take care of those he cares about , if the person doesn't stop what they're doing and treats him badly or keep making fake promises of change , sadly but tired he would move on and let them be . If the person becomes clean he can reluctantly agree to come back in touch until he's sure they are out of that life for sure , if not , then he knows he tried , he's just a paper news delivery boy after all .

Vance Hopper would ...

Become addicted for life if the person doesn't get away from him . Since it's cannon stated by the actor of the character himself , Vance has a horrible home life , and he also doesn't feel safe at school since institutions back then were even more indifferent to the students problems than now , so if a bad influence told him that there's way to forget the pain , he would believe them . Toxic masculinity would push him to smoke , drink and fight even he didn't want to because that's why tough guys do , even if Vance was just a lost kid that only wanted to play Pinball at the Grab n' Go . If this bad influence invites him to the drug world , he would be scared at first to take them , although he would never admit it , but after a few tries he would become a full time addicted and might end up running away from his house , school , maybe buying guns to get more money for all the vice that he thinks he needs . Unless this bad influence moves on from Vance or back stabs him , he would stick to them and their bad habits since nobody would say anything about it , because Pin Pall Vance Hopper is the toughest kid at school , and tough boys don't cry about needing more ecstasy on their bodies or loneliness , boys don't cry . At all .

Griffin Stagg would ...

Be stucked in a endless cycle of chasing the person around in hope to save them . This person wouldn't be able to convince this little guy from taking that path on his life but sure would make him believe every fake promise of changing habits and quitting stuff , the bad influence probably knowing well how lonely and easily attached he is , so they know that no matter what they do to their body , seal to others , buy or fight with , he would stick around because they are the closest thing that he has of a friend . He would try to help them over and over , chase them around when they're gone again and again , but it never ends , he can go years like this where there's gonna be a point where Griffin accepts it and just waits for the person to come and being taken care of . Unless the bad influence moves on , he would stay by their side forever .

#tbp headcanons #the black phone #tbp fandom #tbp #billy showalter #bruce yamada #griffin stagg #finney blake #tbp vance #robin arellano #vance hopper #gwen blake #the black phone headcanons

[anamericangirl]

As a high-schooler, it's strange to see adults arguing over something that seems like a no-brainer. Why remove people's security (guns) because of the minority who misuse them? All of these school shooters had some form of mental illness, and I don't think the problem is guns.

Also, personally speaking, I'd feel much safer if my teachers were armed. If some deranged person ever came strolling in, trying to kill my classmates and me, there is a higher possibility of that person being neutralized without us having to wait for police and risk dying. They say they care about us but also want to remove an essential factor in making our schools safer in the face of a life-threatening situation.

Obviously, in an ideal world, we wouldn't need guns. But the world is far from ideal; we can sit around and lament about how things should be or adapt and make the best out of our situation.

Well you're a lot smarter than a lot of adults. With all the research we have that shows over 90% of mass shootings happen in gun free zones, and that the people committing the shootings are all seriously mentally ill in some way, and the fact that even the mere possibility of someone having a gun has deterred crime, and with the records we have of armed citizens stopping mass shooters much faster than police and with less deaths, you would think it would be a no brainer.

And as much as they talk about "common sense" gun control what they don't realize is that common sense is actually against them. Common sense would question why they want to take guns from victims just to call people with guns to come save them. Common sense would show that if you're armed or someone around you is armed there's a nearly 100% chance you can stop a would-be-mass shooting before it becomes a mass shooting. Common sense would say if someone is trying to shoot you, shooting them yourself has a much better success rate than running away.

If there is a shooter at a location and the only person that has a gun is the shooter you are guaranteeing a substantial loss of life before there's even a chance of stopping them. But if someone is armed, the shooting can be stopped as quick as it starts.

Guns are the best defense against another gun. It is a no-brainer and what's concerning is that the politicians who call for gun control while surrounding themselves with armed guards are refusing to give children the same protection they give themselves.

#anon #answered

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

i never noticed the hints towards pale Solfef! in light of that, i think it's interesting that Eridan pursued Feferi in the pale quadrant while desperately wanting her to end up in his flushed one, meanwhile Feferi pursues Sollux in the flushed quadrant, despite them seemingly destined to be pale lol guess seadwellers are used to swimming up current lmao

that said, what are your thoughts on Erifef? do you think Eridan actually wants her flushed? or is that another subconscious tactic of his to keep her(someone he deeply cares about) by his side?

personally, i'm of the opinion that though they do care about eachother, they could never work out flushed. i think Eridan -though very enthusiastic about her and thinks they share the same troubles that comes with being so high on the hemospectrum, as well as isolated via physical location and the requirements to meet seadweller expectations- doesn't actually want redrom with her, but he knows pale isn't 'good enough' plus prefers to go to Karkat for all the traditional pale stuff. dude doesn't realize they can just be friends and she won't abandon him(cue Feferi abandoning him the monent she leaves quadrants with him, further exacerbating that fear lol)

meanwhile, on Feferi's end, it's too much to go into here but i think she has struggles with being present with others. so though i think she also deeply cares about Eridan and was absolutely miffed he was going to Karkat for things that she(being his moirail at the time) should have been talked to about, i think she has a lot of character development to go through before she can really pursue quadrants as something she needs and wants and not something she thinks she should do. i think flipping pale with Sollux could have been that catalyst but alas :' ] it seems Hussie changed his mind

So, personally, I do actually think Eridan's flushed feelings for Feferi are real... kind of. The fact that he has 0 self-awareness really makes talking about his feelings difficult because everything needs to be qualified with "this would change if he were capable of taking a step back."

The "kind of" here is because I don't think it's necessarily Feferi, the PERSON, that Eridan's in love with, but rather, the Feferi that exists in his head. To Eridan, Feferi is a bubbly, adorable, cheerful girl who's nice to everybody and doesn't have a mean bone in her body. He literally says that he thinks she might be too nice to have a pitch relationship with somebody, which is definitely not true, as Feferi can be plenty mean, and there's plenty to find flawed about her.

The first reason for this mistaken belief is that that's definitely the way that Feferi believes herself to be, so it's how she presents herself, and Eridan believes people when they tell him stuff. The second is because, in Eridan's shitty, friendless life, Feferi has been his one constant - the person who's always been there for him, the only person who's consistently nice to him (until he meets Karkat, and even then, Karkat is master of the mixed signals, and Eridan implies that death threats and insults are regular banter between them), and oftentimes the one person who cheers him up when he's at his lowest.

I think a lot of people in the fandom are too hard on Feferi - she's genuinely well-meaning, and most of her bad points come from ignorance and privilege, not manipulativeness or spite. She doesn't consciously realize it when she's treating Eridan poorly, and she makes real efforts to be a good moirail to him, even though he doesn't usually reciprocate those efforts. I think she suffers from the Umbridge Effect, where Eridan's problems - being on such the extreme end of trauma and anxiety - almost feel alien and unreal, while everyone knows a Feferi, so Feferi draws in some undue vitriol.

She has a few outbursts at him when he's egregiously rude for no reason, but given she's been dealing with his severe mental illness for so long, and takes his threats and casteism at least semi-seriously, I don't blame her for being exhausted and snapping from time to time. She's genuinely just not equipped to help him with his problems - lest we forget, she's also 13. Otherwise, everything else she does to harm him is something she just genuinely doesn't consciously realize is a problem, because she's got a hard time seeing past her privilege.

For example, using Eridan for feeding Gl'bgolyb without gratitude - the thing is, societally, it's his job, and HAS always been a violet's job. Not only that, but given his... everything, if she asked him if he's okay with doing it, he'd definitely insist that he is, and in fact, that it's HIS duty and HIS privilege. He also started INCREDIBLY young, so it's genuinely just been like this for their entire lives. It's a bit shitheaded for Feferi to not realize how much she benefitted from this arrangement, but, again, it's a crime of ignorance, not malice.

In a similar vein, I think she stayed in her moirallegiance for as long as she did partially because she got an ego boost out of it. She commiscerates with Kanaya over how burdensome he is, and she gets to say things like "we are not better than anybody," which she absolutely doesn't actually feel, given how she won't shut up about being a royal when talking to Jade. She's elated to break up with him, her narration celebrating with a big "you're FREE!!!" and it's not a coincidence that said break-up happens after Eridan's no longer useful to her - she outright states that he can't threaten their species anymore now that they're in the game and everyone else is dead.

BUT, I think she ALSO means it when she says that she stayed in that moirallegiance because she was genuinely worried for him. Both this statement and the above paragraph can be simultaneously true. There's nothing about Eridan that's actually that offensive to Feferi, and I really do think she means it when she says she wants to stay friends. His constant emotional crises have just left her burnt out in terms of sympathy, and she never really knew how to handle him in the first place, but in their first conversation together, she's still genuinely making an effort to get him to open up about his feelings and to cheer him up about his failed kismesistude.

After the breakup and his failed confession, the thing is, he does accept that rejection! ... Kind of. (Again with the kind ofs.)

He outright tells her he accepts that she doesn't like him like that... BUUUT, is trying to get her to go ashen with him and Sollux, instead. THIS is the "trying to keep her with him" angle you're talking about, IMO; I think his flushed feelings are genuine, even if they're aimed at this idealized version of Feferi moreso than the real deal. Without Feferi in the picture, I think Eridan and Sollux would have a completely lukewarm mutual dislike. The sheer lukewarmness is probably why Erisolsprite is so stable - they're completely mid for each other.

The realness of his flushed feelings for Feferi is, incidentally, part of why I think him and Roxy would work so well together - if this idealized version of Feferi (bubbly, adorabloodthirsty, pink, cute, cheerful, and kind) is his Type... well.

I also think he and Feferi would work pretty well as just normal friends; they might have fallen into that dynamic on their own if they'd met later on in life. In a hypothetical golden ending, I think they do fall into it once EriKar happens, since moirallegiances are stated to have a stabilizing effect on a troll's other relationships.

#homestuck #eridan ampora #feferi peixes #erifef

[amive2567]

Ingredients: Katsuki Bakugou x GN!Reader (fem bodied)

Contains: angst, death, reader dies, fluff to angst, mental problems/illness, suicidal thoughts, some dark stuff, pregnancy and a child,

Type of order: coffee (Angst), cupcake (oneshot), small hot chocolate (bit of fluff)

Words: 3259

A/n: I wanted to write angst again, so there it is. A special form this time. Diary entries. I hope you like it :) I recomend listening to All I want by Kodaline for the more painfull experience. ( I don't know how to put songs properly into a post so it looks a bit big, I am sorry)

Masterlist

3579, Musutafu city, Endeavor agency

Hi, shitty book,

today we started our internship at the agency of icy hot`s dad. He is a dipshit, what he did to his family is absolutely crucial, but he is a strong-minded old bastard and an awfully good hero. (But All-Might is far better). He dragged us through whole Musutafu only to tell me how weak I am. Pah, but at least shitty Deku is worse (he didn’t tell us this but I am sure he is). Well, now we get to the point where things get interesting. We met other hero students from Ketsubutsu high. They had their internship at Backdraft’s fire brigade. They were trying to extinguish a burning office building but to no avail. Then the most beautiful person stepped in front, and without our interference, they just extinguished the fire. They were so talented it took my breath away and their H/C hair was just magnificent. (Don’t you dare call me a simp now, because I am not). Well anyways, they were pretty decent locking. We, or Endeavor, talked with Backdraft to discuss the incident. Icy hot, Deku and I just waited, but the shitty nerd had the brilliant idea to talk to this person. Of course, I had to talk to them first. So I shoved Deku aside and started talking to them. I got a lot of information about them, they are annoying and a chatterbox. At least they are kind and somehow stubborn. Their name is Y/N. I hope I will never meet them again. Another person similar to Kirishima would be a pain in my ass.

See ya

3581, Musutafu city, My house

Well, a book full of shitty feelings, I need to tell you a lot. It’s been two years. Shigaraki, AFO, and their goons had to put our world into misery. We fought in a fucking war with 17 and now I feel like an old man. At least all of our classmates survived, even Izuku. The last two years were a rollercoaster of emotions, I really realized now that my behavior was wrong and I put the nerd's life into misery, because of me he has an inferiority complex. I apologized and he accepted, even though he shouldn't have. I was a horrible person, treated people shitty just to get my own will. I nearly died, but who cares. Well after those horrible years, every one of us was forced to go to this stupid psych doctor, and since then I have been a bloody weakling. I cry more often than I want to admit. Argh, it pisses me off. Even though these years have been shitty, I finally met Y/N again. They got more handsome/pretty than before, and we’re visiting the same doc for our shitty PTSD and stuff. Every time after a session we met up for a small snack in a newly built coffee shop. They enjoy strawberry frappes with extra whipped cream. Horribly sweet is the best, according to them. We become something like friends, but I hate this. I don’t want to be friends with them. It just doesn't fit. They probably think I am shit anyways.

They make my heart race, and my cheeks flush red whenever I see them. They make me go insane, I always have those dreams of us kissing under the stars, but somehow they are in a relationship. Argh, so annoying. Well then we have to be friends I guess, I am not that shitty to let them cheat on their partner. I am so jealous, but I suppress it.

Bye.

3581, Musutafu city, Coffee shop

Good news, or bad news. I don't know. I guess it's good for me but not for them. Their partner cheated on them and accordingly, I am the only friend they have. I swear to god I will find this stupid person and blow them up. How can someone cheat on someone so goddamn great? I would never. Besides that, I could never. One look at them and I am over the moon. I never imagined that I would ever talk about someone this cheesy, but they made me spineless. Only when I am with them of course, I do still kick villains in their asses. Maybe one day, when they are healed from this incident I will tell them, but for now, I will be their supportive friend. I am on patrol at the moment, so I have to get going.

Bye

3581 Musutafu City, My house

Hello,

today Yn and I are visiting Izuku and Uraraka, to get some friendship bonding done, or as they call it a double date. Pathetic, we arent even dating. How could they call it this when they are the only couple. Anyways, we are going to an adventure park and I hate this. The huge rollercoasters make me feel uncomfortable. It's way too fast and too high. Just no, it's awful. But I don't want to look weak, even if I learned that expressing my feelings is not a bad thing. I am a hero. I shouldn't be scared of some shitty rollercoaster.

It was the most shitty experience I ever had. We rode the scariest rollercoaster in the park, and everyone fucking enjoyed it and I was screaming like a baby. So embarrassing. Y/N needed to comfort me, I enjoyed it but still. That's so weak of me. It's my job to protect them, not the other way around. I wish I wasn't such a weak and pathetic being. Well no I stop with the self-pity, that's even worse. I even didn't tell them what I feel for them, I was just so overwhelmed that I forgot it.

I fucking hate my pathetic ass.

3581 Musutafu City, My house

The Therapist wanted to see me more often, because of some sort of relapse. He doesn't have any clue what he's talking about. I am fine. Nothing bothers me, I just hate myself, what's the problem. I always did and I always will there is nothing to worry about. It's not like I want to die or something. Even though after some missions I think I should have died. YN got hurt last week. She only had a small concussion, but it was all my fault. I should have been hurt instead of them. According to my therapist, journaling and continuing to write in this shitty diary should make me feel better, but I don't feel any better. I still feel guilty for all the people I can't and couldn't save. I am supposed to rescue them. I am a soldier, not a whiny little brat. I haven't talked to Yn since they got out of that creepy hospital. They have this sad look on their face every time they see me and my heart breaks every time I see them, but if I would still talk to them and continue having feelings I would only hurt them. I just can't protect them, it would be better if I never met them.

Bye

3581, Mustafa city, Explosion agency

Yn confronted me today and to be honest they are so attractive when they are angry. They yelled at me for ignoring them for the past few months. I told them everything that I felt for them and what I thought would be the best. Even though they were furious about not telling them earlier, they comforted me (once again) telling me that I am not a God. I can't save everyone and it's not my job to do so, even though it's sad it's true. They promised to stay in my life and reassured me that they could handle themselves. After that I found a bit of hope, we skipped the talking phase and went over to dating. I listen to the advice of my therapist and try to do the things he tells me. It improved my mental state and I can now cope with little mistakes during missions. I no longer want to do reckless things to get hurt and I started to sleep better. I am currently reflecting on my childhood and improving things. I honestly tried to clean up my mistakes from my past. I talked with my mother about this and told her that I need a break from her. Yn was always by my side during these times. They are the right ones and I want to marry them, but that's something for the future. But for now, we need to heal our souls and become financially stable.

See you soon

3584 Hawaii, Our hotel

It's been a while, hasn't it? I haven't written in ages but now as I am finally mentally stable again, I thought about writing down what happens in my life and using this diary as an actual diary and not just some sort of self therapies. You will never guess what happened. I finally had the guts to ask Yn if they wanted to marry me and they said yes. I am so happy. They make me happy. Our wedding was incredible. Kirishima, my best man, put together an amazing speech. I tried to hide it, but I sobbed a bit. My favorite part was the wedding dance. That was when I realized I finally married the most perfect person in the whole world. Our vows were heartfelt and I will always remember them. I will remember how wonderful they locked. I will definitely glue a photo of our wedding onto this book.

At the moment we are on our honeymoon and I can't stop feeling happy. All the happiness that I never experienced, I experience now. Yn really makes me happy, their smart ass, their romantic side, their angry side, and everything else is what I love about them. Without them, my life would probably still be dark and sad. They lit my life on fire and I hope it will never extinguish. Never tell them I said that or well wrote it. They will tease me for being cheesy. We are thinking about starting a family, but for now, we will have a happy life together and when we have kids we still are as happy as we are now.

Bye for now, we will have some time for ourselves.

3585, Musutafu city, Bakugou household

I am back to write again and we finally got a dog and for my misfortune a cat. (Yn wanted it and they always get what she wants it's annoying, their puppy eyes can screw themselves) This bastard of a cat always wants to be pet. It just wants me probably because I am so hot (wink wink). Yn is happy with this shitty cat and sometimes I think that they love this animal more than me. It can be only one in this household to receive all their love and it's going to be me.

Another happy news is that Yn is finally pregnant. We don't know the sex yet but it doesn't matter anyway because we will love it unconditionally. The baby bum is not to be seen yet and no one knows because of the risky three months but I am so excited for our little monster. I should be careful how I call our little baby or Yn will scold me again for calling it a monster. Even though our little munchkin isn't even born yet, I love this child with everything I have. I never thought domestic life was something for me, but it indeed is. I would never do something different.

I will update you when our baby is born. See ya

3586, Musutafu city, Bakugou household

It's a girl. YAY. We finally can hold our little one. The birth was horrifying. Yn was screaming the whole time and they crushed my hand. I was so afraid that something would go wrong, but yn did so well. I love them both so much, my heart bursts with love and happiness at the moment. I really changed, haven't I? If I could tell my fifteen-year-old self that I would love my family and live a domestic life he would probably laugh and cringe. These past months, no years, since yn is by my side, were just too good to be true. It's like a dream come true. My feelings are flying all around and I don't feel like myself. Kiri already calls me soft. I am not soft, I just learned how to love correctly and how to express my true feelings. Hero work will now be extra difficult, I don't want to worry my little sunshine. She deserves the world and I want to live for her and guarantee her a beautiful life without pain (even though that might be hard).

I am the happiest man alive.

3589, Musutafu City, Bakugou household

My little girl can crawl now, and it's a pain in the ass. She is always on tour, through the house. Yn and I are always on track to keep her safe and it's exhausting. This little bundle is full of life and we can't get a hold of her. To be honest I hope she never loses this kind of liveliness. This child really is fulfilling my life. Hero work is getting more and more stressful, because of this one idiot who thinks he can just walk around and poison people, which results in many deaths. I hope I can fight him, to guarantee my little girl that she can live in safety. This bastard is causing a lot of losses among the heroes. Even Izuku doesn't know how to approach this fucking piece of shit. We will fight him at all costs. My girl will grow up in safety, I don't want her to experience the things I had to go through, the war, the abuse, the self-hatred, the depression, and all the other shitty stuff. A happy and fulfilled life is what she deserves.

It's getting late and I really should go to sleep, or Yn will drag me to bed, shouting at me for having a bad sleeping schedule. Even though they stay up all night to watch these ridiculous romance animes.

See ya

3595, Musutafu City , Hospital

It's been a while. There are some good news I suppose and a lot of bad ones. Our daughter got enrolled in first grade. She is really happy and bubbly just like Yn. Seeing her growing up lets my heart ache. One day she will grow up and become a successful and beautiful woman. I am glad that the current political situation is too hard to, understand for her, but I still notice that her parents are stressed and busy, but she still tries to cheer us up. Truly, she is an angel. The villain I told you about…. appeared and killed more than 100 people by now. We could get a chance on fighting him, but he couldn't get caught. Yn got hit by his quirk…. it is still not sure if the poison is out of their blood system, but it doesn't look good. They didn't wake up in the last 4 hours since the incident happened, but I need to be hopeful. They can't die, not now. Our daughter just got into school. I can't lose them. They are the light of my life. I just overcame the last rock bottom, I can't survive another one. Without them, the world would be dark and even our daughter could never fill the void that Yns death would leave. Even though I don't believe in god, I hope that some high might save them. I just want to take them home and continue living my life. The fight was hard and I couldn't even protect them. I was useless, just like I've always been. We still wished us luck to get out there safely, but we didn't kiss or said the typical I love you. I regret it so much. I want to turn back time, to say everything I want them to know. I love them so much, it is sometimes unbearable and without her, I would never have become the man I am now.

I will have to have hope, they will make it out alive.

3600, Musutafu, Bakugou house

They didn't make it. They died weeks after I wrote the entry. I couldn't tell you back then. I was, no I am a broken man. Only a shadow of the person I was. Their death had made me into the monster I was before I met them, I am coldhearted and stoic. I don't see the purpose in life anymore. Every day the pain clung to me like a nasty shadow. I want this to end, but I can't since Dn will suffer even more. Losing her parent took her bright soul away, and she now tends to become like me, and I really hope I can change that. I am a horrible person. She shouldn't be like me. She should be like Yn, kind, smart, brilliant, and overall wonderful. Maybe it's because I miss Yn so much that I want our daughter to be their replacement or it's my wish. I can't separate these thoughts anymore. I think I want both. Everything is beyond pointless in this life. Getting up, bringing Dn to school, and going to work. This cycle is more exhausting now than ever, there is no happy person to come home to anymore. No one asks what villain you kicked into jail or questions about the students from UA, who are doing their internships. I just want my happy domestic life back and my partner. I miss them so much, it's unbearable. It would be just better if I could be with them. It would be better If I died...

3601, Musutafu city, Bakugou house

I took revenge. The bastard who killed Yn is dead. I killed him with my bare hands. To protect my daughter and all the other citizens. I felt fulfilled for one second, but then I realized that this act would never give me Yn back. It was pointless. at least I got also hit with his quirk before he died. I am so sorry Dn for dying and leaving you completely alone, but I also couldn't continue this life without Yn. I hope you can forgive me... I want you to be yourself and fight for the things you believe in. I want you to be the best of yourself. Please don't be sad for too long. I was never the dad that you deserved. I hope Kirishima will take care of you...

Her weak finger caressed the blood stains on the wrinkled paper.

Tears clouded her vision as she closed the orange notebook. Her uncle patted her on the back and tried to hold her close. “Your dad really loved them. I am sorry. He just really loved Yn. The villain released him from his agony. It's not your fault you were so little you weren't able to protect them.” he tried to comfort her. But comforting was unnecessary. Her parents are dead, killed by a crazy poisoned guy. She hated this guy, even though her father already killed him. The diary should have been some kind of present from her uncle, but it felt like a curse. The rain pattered o both of them “Let's go inside or we will catch a cold. We can visit them tomorrow.” Kirishima grabbed her by her arm and got her away from the graveyard.

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