#but it's worth it because college board is a fucker

[yourlocalfaerie]

For all those lovely fanfic writers who wanna write AUs about Baz going to Oxford. I’m making a list of Oxford uni/city things people get wrong. And things I think are interesting/funny. From not an Oxford student but someone who lives there and is best friends with Oxford students as well as someone who regularly breaks into their buildings and is in one of their societies.

It’s mostly a walking City, like I mean you can’t even drive in through the city centre unless you are a taxi or bus.

No student has their car. ESPECIALLY not Oxford students. It’s highly not recommended when you apply. It’s not worth the hassle having a car.

If you wanna get anywhere, there’s a train station, buses and this thing called the OxTube which is a massive coach that drives from Oxford, to London for such little money.

A thing I see a lot of is Baz driving from Oxford to London and it’s not long but like he’ll do it really often instead of taking the coach and like. There’s congestion fees in London. No one. Not even a lot of well off people wanna pay those fees.

Oxford accommodation is mad cheap especially for year one. And you wanna know why? Because they kick the students out during the holidays. Most uni’s rent out student accommodation from just before the start of Term 1, to the end of Term 3 but not Oxford. My friends had to pack all their possessions in lockers for Christmas and Easter holidays. Then while they’re gone they let Businessmen/ academics rent the rooms for conferences.

Oxford is a tiny city. I don’t know how to explain how small. It just is. It’s just bigger than my home town. Smaller than my neighbouring home town.

Fun fact Oxford students get into the botanical gardens for free. They are quite nice. They’ve got ducks.

Punting. Omfg. Punting. So much of it. I don’t think I’ve ever encounter one of those Oxford fuckers who hasn’t gone punting. (It’s basically rowing). Sometimes collages book sessions for their students or let certain collages have sessions free during certain terms.

Omg I just remembered college pets. Basically I think it’s the Dean of each college lives on the grounds. If not all it’s most of them. Some of them bring their pets to live with them and they vibe in the libraries and stuff. I remember once a cat from one college broke into another college down the road and sat on their collage cat’s chair and so students thought it would be funny to print wanted posters of the offending cat to be put to justice. Most of the pets in fact have Instagram pages. Sometimes deans bring their pets with them to give speeches. And one college has a tortoise fair each year for their college tortoises.

There’s like 1 gay club. It’s called Plush. The walls sweat and I’ve never been in but despite the fact that everyone goes there I hear nothing good about it. It’s next to the only McDonald’s in the city centre and is down an alley.

Because of the Oxford workload, Oxford students are banned from having jobs that are not supplied by the university while in term time. Some of them work around this but genuinely the workload is bigger than you can imagine I don’t blame students for not trying to work round this.

Oxford students are not allowed to leave the city for the same reason as above. This is absolutely not enforced and is a rule people break constantly.

This is a small thing but I feel like most people who have even considered applying for Oxford know this. You cannot apply to Oxford AND Cambridge. You can only apply to one of them. It’s the mistake I see most. When you apply to either, people sometimes refer to it as applying to ‘Oxbridge’.

You’ve got to wear your Mortar Board, gown, and ribbon/tie to most exams.

Not all Oxford accommodation is nice. One of my friends lives in the nicest place ever, it’s got a fucking balcony she shares with some others. And my other friend lives in a hell hole, like the first day I visited I just stood there and pointed out all the dangers of living there (exposed wires, prison kitchen, brutalist architecture, the holes in the walls, the anti suicide windows but railings on the stairs that don’t come up that high and have a rather large gap at the bottom) . Just because it’s Oxford accommodation doesn’t change the fact that it’s still just university supplied accommodation.

Bells. Every hour. Maybe 50 million churches ring their bells. You get used to it after a couple days but fuck was it annoying at the start.

Colleges have balls. Yes BALLS. They are a glorified year 6 disco. As I write this my friend is being forced to listen to the Techo music the college next to her accommodation has been playing for the past 5 hours. It’s midnight. It’s so loud I could hear it in our phone call from inside her room.

Every night some posh boys are walking around in suits with a bottle of wine.

The Radcliffe Camera (or Radcam for people who aren’t virgins) is one of the main libraries open to all Oxford students. It’s got 2 basement levels. And I love it.

No cars = barely any light pollution but it doesn’t beat Hampshire.

Oh also there’s a coach service directly from Oxford to Hampshire. It’s gotten mixed reviews from friends.

All Oxford students shop at Tesco. The main one has an escalator called the Tescalator that goes to an underground level. The closest literally another other food shop that isn’t a small sainsburys is a bus ride away.

This isn’t just an Oxford thing but Formal Dinners. Different for each college. Some do once a week, some do everyday. I’ve gone as a guest to a couple. The food was always BAD. it’s meant to be served by professional chefs and it’s always been shit. My friend swears it’s not always bad but I have yet to have a good Oxford meal. THE CHICKPEAS AND CARROTS WERE UNDERCOOKED. Im not a picky eater but I felt so bad bc i just could not stomach some of it. But it’s cheap so… who cares.

Im realising this is just an Oxford uni rant now but so much about that instigation confuses me.

Sometimes choir kids break into churches to sing.

Psttt, librarians tend to finish work at 5 if you ever want to sneak people who aren’t that college’s students in.

They give you a fob to unlock the doors to the colleges so random people can’t break in.

First year and third year accommodation is either literally on college grounds or on the same road.

Every year that isn’t your first you can choose who you live with if you choose to stay in student accommodation

Students can opt to ‘rusticate’ if they get too stressed, which is basically taking a gap year any-when during the duration of their degree. Some people I’ve met have done this multiple times.

Lectures are usually only an hour long. Not even that sometimes. BUT things like practicals can last hours. Usually Baz is portrayed as an humanities (usually English) student but if he was ever a Stem student then he’s spending like 5-8 hours every other week in a basement. I’m not even joking. Some department’s labs are in the basement. Mine are thankfully in a rather well lit building above ground.

Omg ENGLISH. There is no English Literature course at Oxford only English Literature and Language. That’s another small thing that bugs me. They make you learn old English but teach it in a way where you aren’t learning how to formulate sentences but how to pick them apart. Idk how to explain it.

Also English students gotta read basically a book a week. Then write an essay each week. They get a massive reading list in the summer.

There’s a lot more queer people at Oxford than anyone thinks. Shhh I didn’t tell you.

They like not telling their students what day their exam is on until sometimes the day before :) that caused some stress in the group chat. Depends on the college.

Omg. They call Term 1 - Hillary. Term 2 -Michaelmas. And Term 3 - Trinity.

Everyone gets college parents. Which are mostly older uni students who get into college “marriages” and are assigned like 1-3 students to basically take under their wing for first year. These marriages don’t have to be monogamous . My friend is “married” to 2 gay men. The marriages can be couples (someone I know had a lesbian couple as their college parents), or friends. There’s a “wedding” ceremony as well. Not everyone has a college wedding.

Professors are wild. So many are pedophiles, i know one’s for sure a murderer (why he was never convicted I’ll never know). Some are literally the coolest people I’ve spoken to.

Mayday is a big thing here. Like bigger than anywhere else. No clue why. But did I wake up at 4am this year to listen to some choirs and dance in a road? Yes. Would I do it again? Most certainly. Were the crowds the worst thing I’ve ever been in? Also yes.

Just remembered that they’re always filming something. Wonka was being filmed this year and they fucking cut off paths I needed to be on. They stopped students from getting back to their rooms and libraries.

There’s no parking in the city centre. You usually park on the boarder then take a Park And Ride bus to the centre.

I shall keep thinking of things

#simon snow #baz pitch #snowbaz

[crowleystolemyshoes]

alright I took the ap stats test this year, and a few hours after completing the exam I wrote up a list of important things to study before taking it yourself. I was going to wait until next year to post it, but I realized some people are still going to take it maybe?

note that I won't get my score for another month, so I can't exactly back this up BUT here ya go

know the inferences. you'll have the long part of the formula, but you need to know to take p-hat plus or minus that long part (as an example with a one-sample z interval)

"long parts" that are given on the formula sheet:

(I'm not going to add alt text, just because stats formulas are so confusing to describe without symbols, but please let me know in the notes or dm me if you need me to--I'll send links to pages with the formulas or something. we'll figure it out 👍)

you have to know what to do with these to get each formula. the first thing I did when I opened each booklet was wrote extra formulas for each inference test: one- and two-sample z- and t-intervals and tests (eight formulas when I was done)

remember that the t-table is for confidence intervals and the z-table is for p-values (you will have to use the t-table for z-intervals and the z-table for t-tests) (note--the actual difference is that the z-table assumes you know the population standard deviation, where the t-table uses a sample's SD. The z-table is therefore used with an assumed null hypothesis, i.e. z- and t- tests, while the t-table applies to z- and t- intervals without a null hypothesis). The table is in the back of the booklet for the multiple choice, and it does say "stop" at the bottom of the last question. you are allowed to flip past to the tables.

hypotheses for proportions (z inferences) use p = __ ; mean hypotheses (t inferences) use mu (the weird "u" looking thing; mean of the whole population). do not put x-bar; that applies to the mean of a sample and not population.

also know what your p-value means: it's the probability of obtaining the data you used in the calculation (or more extreme--don't forget "or more extreme") assuming the null hypothesis is true

write out your conditions and show them being met. even write that 60 is greater than or equal to 30 if n=60 and you need to prove that it's an approximately normal distribution (note approximately and not exactly)

put your conclusion in context. mention what's being tested, not just numbers

type I and type II errors are something you'll want to put some time into--they were on both my 2021 exam and the 2012 one ap released as a practice. you'll also want to know the chances of each one happening (one is the significance level used and the other is some weird formula, and I don't remember which is which)

type I error: reject the null hypothesis when you shouldn't have

type II error: fail to reject the null hypothesis when you should have ("fail II reject")

- on that note, never accept the null hypothesis when writing conclusions, just fail to reject it

regression lines and "model error" came up and I had no clue about either. I still have no clue if "model error" is even a statistics thing. neither were in my free response section, thank fuck, but regression lines and that number summary thing your calculator gives you was in the free response for 2012, unless I'm mistaken

chi-tests came up twice on my test: on one multiple choice it was asking what test was appropriate with the given circumstances, and a chi goodness of fit test was an option. the second time was in the final free response question, and it was the chi-test about correlation between two variables. I got lucky, because it didn't actually want me to run one and I could bullshit my way through the question, but make sure you know them. put z- and t- inference tests at a higher priority, though

one of my free response questions was entirely free of calculations; it wanted me to explain the purpose of placebos, the importance of random sampling and assignment, etc. I think I got lucky again there, but make sure you have a firm understanding of experimentation procedure

you'll probably be fine without worrying about probabilities of events and compliments and independent v. dependent events and everything (PA, PB, PA union B, those things). they were a free-response on mine and I drew a flow chart and had no issue whatsoever, it was really simple. this one probably shouldn't be a priority unless it's something you personally struggle with

spend a bit of time with transforming data. ex: mean 1 foot, sd .5 foot --> mean 12 in, sd 6 in

last but far from least:

it's an ap test. for the free response, it's always better to over-explain than under-explain. it doesn't have to be readable; don't worry about repeated words or anything. just put as much on there as you can, and something should stick.

#ap tests #ap stats #math!! #uhhh how to tag this bitch #education #?? I guess?? #how to bullshit an exam for a subject you took entirely online from september to january #when your entire amount of studying is three hours the night before the test #idk bro shit is wild #long post #but it's worth it because college board is a fucker

[kariachi]

Next up it Speed of Sound, because if I may be honest I don’t actually like renaissance faire storylines. I don’t enjoy them, I don’t have to watch them, if the Smythe episode is relevant let me know but otherwise if you want a liveblog and rating than you can pay me for it.

Until then, on to Speed of Sound.

Max has a friend named ‘Helen Troy’. Her parents knew what they were doing.

She has her own corporation, and designed the fancy futurey train they’re riding.

She also made an AI Ring which, I have no idea what that’s even supposed to be? Is it HAL but an accessory, what?

She was Phil’s apprentice. As if she didn’t look shady, and have a corporation which is always shady, and have HAL as an accessory which is, not even, but she’s Phil’s old apprentice. This woman cannot be trusted.

Even Phil said ‘keep an eye on her’! Even he don’t trust this bitch!

The AI Ring is a fucking watch too just, the fuck

Hello Decibel, nice to see your silhouette you tend to be amusing

Bitch if your company’s tagline has to be ‘Trust Us’-! Not as far as I could punt her, I swear

Also my research tells me that the sound barrier has already been broken on land though I suppose a passenger train that could do it would still be a big deal given the rocket sled that first managed it jumped the rails. Second vehicle to do it was a car so, entirely different situation. The thing is this train would need dedicated tracks and so much fucking power just to run at those speeds. Shit cannot be energy efficient. Plus they’d only be able to move that fast for relatively short periods anyway to avoid causing too much discomfort for passengers (think of the discomfort you feel with the acceleration to the low hundreds of mph when a plane takes off then compare it to the ~800 mph to break the sound barrier). This really is just not a convenient thing.

Gustav Pootknocker. I have to assume a line of bastards because nobody is going to take the name ‘Pootknocker’.

Someday Gwen is going to be That Bitch @ing CEOs and politicians on twitter and honestly all the power to her. Right now she’s just asking intense questions out of innocence and interest but someday...

She scared off Helen! Way to go, Gwen!

“I thought she was different” Gwen the tech nerd with the most integrity on this show is Kevin, okay, lose your hope now.

“Helen’s not normally so mysterious” ‘I mean she straight up gave me the recipe for her ‘babies and blood diamonds’ dip when she graduated college’

Also Max has a picture of himself and Phil at Helen’s graduation so Added Suspicion

They can say she’s just Gwen’s hero all they want but I recognize a 10-yo with a crush when I see one. Move on Gwen, you can do better and also she’s like 20 years older than you at best.

Decibel is having the train modified in fucking motion. Really dude?

Of course Decibel would insist on having a dance club on board.

Gwen stole a dude’s keycard. The boys are rubbing off on her

Decibel have you hooked yourself to the train? Because that cable coming out your back has me concerned

byw I am not four minutes into this episode

Gwen, darling, give up turn around and find a girl your own age, I’m sure there’s plenty worth your while.

Helen has realized that they are Max’s spawn

So, tl;dr: Investors looked at this whole ‘passenger train that breaks the sound barrier’ thing and went ‘wtf that would be hideously expensive to build, to fuel, to build infrastructure for, and overall just be horribly inconvenient’ so Helen had to turn to Decibel for funding because he’s the sort’ve guy who figures if worse comes to worse he can use it for a ransom plot

Wait is this thing fueled by sound, or am I just reading too far into shit?

He did hook himself up the train. And now he’s gonna test the top speed with passengers onboard. Which, why the fuck would you even have passengers on board a train that hasn���t gone through all it’s tests? What the fuck, that’s a major safety hazard. This things can’t even have been rated as safe yet without testing it at top speed, that’s one of the things they do!

Don’t think we’ve seen a fistfight with Decibel before

1) Decibel hits like a truck, 2) I don’t think this fucker is capable of not acting like he’s on a stage

Damn, blasted Ben right out of the train

Helen, dig out that last scrap of soul you have in your closet and put it to use

Oh! So that’s how she’d planned to get over the whole ‘jumping the rails’ issue! By using sound to basically levitate the train! That actually cuts down on a lot of the concerns by reducing drag and removing the need for dedicated infrastructure! Still horribly dangerous though.

I didn’t have any hope in Helen and I’m still disappointed.

Capable of evil maybe, she is Phil’s apprentice

Come on Ben, I’m sure you can go faster. You and Kevin hit 888 before

Helen

“Even supersuit XLR8 can’t catch up!” Ben says as he barely crests 400 mph. Come on Kid, you’ve done better!

Ah, turns out with some new shit armored XLR8 can hit 1000

Ya know, I’d be more impressed with this whole ‘your technology has helped so many people’ thing if we’d gotten any examples up to now. All we have is the HAL ring and this death train, with no hint at what the ring even does (it saves the day, I’ve seen enough tv to know this is where we’re going)

The HAL Ring has a laser mode. Who exactly are you selling this shit to, Helen? Are you sure super villains aren’t just your investors?

Ooo, Decibel going to just try to rip off the damn Omnitrix. He is done.

Omnitrix said ‘fuck this shit’ and blasted Ben into Armored Four Arms

The Omnitrix is not happy

Yeah, Omnitrix is really not happy with all that shit that went down.

8/10, I don’t trust Helen and I’m intrigued with how things are going to go with the Omnitrix from here

#achi liveblogs #ben 10 2.os

[welcome-to-the-end-of-eras]

My dad used to play club hockey when he was in college and has a lot of stories about different fights he got in, but he just told me about one and I can’t stop picturing the foxes so here we go:

-It’s a few years after the events of the book, and everyone except Neil has graduated

-The foxes make it to the championships, and to absolutely no one’s surprise they’re facing the ravens again, but thankfully the foxes will be at a home-court advantage

-Obviously both teams had changed a lot from the time R*ko was there, but I like to imagine that the ravens are still gargantuan pricks, just y’know less murder-y

-But none of the og champion foxes can’t bare to leave, so they’ve all gotten jobs helping around the stadium (student loans are also a real bitch and the school pays them pretty well)

-Matt, Dan, Andrew, and Renee work security for obvious reasons

-Allison and Nicky work the front desk (for the sake of this story he and Erik moved to the states) bc they like to shut down people looking to get in for free/being pricks about where their tickets are

-Aaron’s out selling the tickets bc he knows that if he sees someone being especially rough in the crowd Andrew’s gonna fight the guy and he just knows he’ll get roped into it

-But Kevin decided he’d come back and ref for the game, along with some former ravens to make sure it’s fair to both teams

-So the game’s going, it’s neck and neck, and Neil scores an point for the foxes that puts them just in the lead

-The ravens are having n o n e of that shit, so the next play Neil’s mark starts getting especially rough

-Like REALLY rough

-Kevin’s got his hand on the trigger with a red card, but the other refs are being bastards and saying “he hasn’t made an illegal play” and “it’s just a rough game, you’re being biased”

-But suddenly the guy marking Neil breaks off and starts going after some of the freshmen players, and Neil’s Captain/Mom Instincts start kicking in and he’s ready to fuckin demolish the guy

-The poor freshman his mark is targeting is trying to hold Neil back and tell him it’s not worth it, but as the kid turns his head Neil’s mark comes in swinging and does a baseball swing with his racket at the freshman’s head

-Ding ding, round one, Neil goes absolutely fucking batshit on the guy

-Kevin sprints over to break it up and he’s trying to pry Neil off the guy, but then he starts hearing all the shit his mark is spewing about how Neil’s “a psycho” and “deserves to rot like his dad”

-Ding ding, round two

-Suddenly THE Kevin Day, the same Kevin Day whose father is planning on making him run the Boston Marathon three times over if he so much as thinks about making a shit call on the ravens, is swinging on this guy with everything he has

-The people in the stands are going absolutely fucking nuts, the reporters are having a field day, and both teams have left the bench to help their respective teammates

-The security squad made an attempt to stay on task and make sure the crowd doesn’t riot, but as soon as one of the ravens knocked the cage off of Neil’s helmet Matt and Andrew took off running for the court

-Dan and Renee followed, intending to stop the two of them from getting involved, but they hear someone call Neil a fairy and suddenly Renee has her knives out and Dan’s knuckles are bruised and bloody

-Aaron went inside to hang out with Allison and Nicky after the game got started, and they all overhear some of the other stadium staff calling over the walkie-talkies for someone to call the campus police, so they turn on the monitor to see what the hell’s going on

-Aaron just mutters “ah, Christ” under his breath and makes a beeline for the court, Allison on his heels

-Nicky stayed behind to call the campus police, but as soon as he dialed the extension someone from the ravens put Andrew in a chokehold and started saying things in his ear with a smirk

-The small, almost imperceptible crack in his cousin’s apathetic facade had Nicky sprinting to catch up with Allison and Aaron

-On the court, Neil’s still swinging on the guy who hit the freshman when he notices Andrew in the chokehold

-If Neil wasn’t seeing red before, now he was drowning in it now

-Neil tears off towards them, rips the guy off Andrew, and takes the guy down

-Mind, the guy’s nearly twice his height and three times his width, but Neil is five feet and three inches of Rage and doesn’t stop wailing on him even after the guy passes out

-Andrew eventually gets Neil to stop, but at least 5 more guys are coming for them, so he grabs the guy’s racket and starts swinging it around

-Andrew: you want me, you gotta get through 6 feet of Christian

-Random Raven #1: only hockey sticks are called Christians, exy sticks-

-Renee, six feet of Christian: *body slams the guy*

-(I’m a simple lesbian and I love Tall Women so I choose to believe Renee is at least 6 ft tall, do not attempt to tell me otherwise)

-Eventually campus police get there and break up the fight, but over the years they had gotten pretty familiar with the foxes bc of their shenanigans, so they just go up to Neil and ask him “what’d these fuckers do to you to make you hit them so hard?”

-The ravens are fucking livid bc it’s OBVIOUSLY not THEIR fault (note the sarcasm), but no one’s rage can compare to Wymack’s

-Whew boy is man’s pissed

-He sits them all down (og foxes included) in the locker room and absolutely tears into them

-Wymack: WHAT THE FLYING FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THE DEAN HUH??? THAT MY GUYS GOT IN A FIGHT AND THE FUCKING R E F JOINED IN??? THAT SECURITY STARTED BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF THE OTHER TEAM??? THAT THE KIDS AT THE FUCKING DESK STARTED THROWING HANDS???

-Nicky: but coach you don’t understand, they’re fuckin pricks-

-Abby has to physically restrain him after that

-So the og foxes decide to have a little sleepover after things get sorted at the station and of course they get roaring drunk

-It’s a mess

-Kevin’s crying because he messed up the fox’s chance at a 4th consecutive championship title

-Matt can’t stop laughing and yelling “THAT’S MY WIFE” at the press footage of Dan bodying a girl on the ravens who tried to attack Allison while her back was turned

-Aaron just passes tf out. He’s Tired Of This Shit.

-Andrew and Neil aren’t quite as drunk as the others, but they’re a little tipsy when Neil asks why Andrew got involved if they got rid of their promise of protection

-Andrew just glares at him

-“117%”

-When they wake up the next morning, it’s to a series of missed calls from Wymack

-Neil answers after about 6 missed calls

-Neil: coach it’s 8 in the morning-

-Wymack: GET YOUR ASSES DOWNSTAIRS NOW

-So all of the v e r y hungover foxes drag their asses downstairs and who do they see but the dean of palmetto state holding up this morning’s headline that reads “NCAA Exy Championship Game Ends in All-Out War”

-Wymack is revving up to tear into them again despite being hungover himself, but the dean stops him and reads them all the statements from their favourite southern Californian exy team, who had been in the front row of the stands and witnessed everything firsthand

-“‘...the ravens were absolutely to blame,’ says former USC exy captain Jeremy Knox, who witnessed the altercation firsthand. ‘That backliner was way out of line, taking a shot like that at a kid half his size, and the rest of the Ravens were egging the guy on.’”

-Matt: I mean no shit-

-Dan: just keep reading, honey

-“‘...this is exactly the type of thing to be expected from one of Riko Moriyama’s protégée,’ Jean Moreau, both a former Raven and a former Trojan, tells the press. ‘Not only did he deviate from the game over a petty rivalry, but his teammates targeted specific players and staff with severe PTSD. The Raven’s should be held solely responsible for the altercation.’”

-Nicky: we already know that coach, what’d you drag us out of bed for???

-But before anyone could finish the article, someone in an official looking suit came in, wheeling the championship trophy into the middle of the confused group of kids

-They explained that both Jean and Jeremy’s first-hand accounts, as well as videos of the incident, convinced the board that there could absolutely not be a rematch between the two teams, but that the foxes would still be crowned the victors by default

-If Ichirou’s influence over the board had anything to do with their decision...well, a win’s a win for the foxes

-And that’s how the foxes, both old and new, ended up roaring drunk at the local Denny’s at 10 am on a Sunday

#this took me 2 hours to write bc i got into a debate with my friends over what makes something edible #aftg #all for the game #all for the gay #neil josten #andrew minyard #kevin day #andriel

[mrpenguinpants]

Dabi x Hawks Roommate/Marriage AU

I just went through a really stressful uni application process. I’ve got 2 essays due tomorrow. But I’m here. Again. I feel like I make these too long but whatever. Anyways

Oh yeah btw, I’m totally down to write shit. So just send me a request. It doesn’t have to be dabihawks (I’m literally only writing dabihawks cause I'm obsessed) or hero academia. (I’m really just lonely so) Also does not have to be headcanons, idm writing actual fics. Headcanons are just easier for me. 

This is also not connected with the tattoo artist dabi x dancer hawks, this is just self-indulgent stuff

Hawks and Dabi moved in together when Dabi saw an ad on his college board for a roommate

“So I’m broke af and really lonely so I’m looking for a roommate. Contact me with the info below. It’s okay if you’re a murderer. College is kicking my ass and I’ll gladly accept death.” 

Dabi calls him that day 

“I’m not a murderer but I can probably get us both killed in a week” 

He meets with Hawks after school as they walk back to his apartment 

“Basically, just don’t do anything that lands me in deeper debt. Pay for rent and whatever else you need, and don’t be a dick. Either than that, I’m sure when we actually start living together we can make some ground rules” 

Dabi is a tiny bit concerned “You serious? Not that I’m not accepting but shouldn’t you be a bit more concerned with who you let in your home?” 

“Please, I don’t have anything worth stealing, I’m broke, and I’m ready to die at any given moment. Unless you start shitting on the floor I don’t think we’ll have a problem. Is there something I should be concerned about?” 

Dabi moves in the next week 

If there was anything Dabi should have been concerned about, its Hawks

Hawks literally has no  s h a m e

Dabi lived with his siblings before moving out when he graduated from high school. He has some level of decency 

Hawks, however, has been an only child with neglectful parents

Not that Dabi minds too much, anyone is better than his father, but it’s only been a week and Dabi has seen Hawks butt-ass naked 4 times. Not that he minds

But there is only so much his homosexual heart can take 

So Dabi sits him down one night over take-out (none of them know how to cook. The only time they do is when Hawks friend Rumi comes over or when Dabi’s sister sends him food) 

“Dude, I know we just met and just started living together and it’s great. But you need to put your dick away when I’m here” 

“Is it distracting?” 

“Yeah. It is. I don’t know what kinda things you’re into but I don’t walk around with my fucking dick in the air” 

“I’m gonna be real with you right now. I really just want to get laid...by you...like right now”

what is shame amirite? 

They just stare at each other for the longest time before Dabi shrugs 

“Sure” 

After that, they got a lot more comfortable with each other (because I can’t be bothered to do slow burns (pun intended)) 

(Gonna be real with you, this part is just me throwing ideas out) 

One day, Hawks comes home stressed out and looking like death itself before throwing himself on the couch next to Dabi and laying his head on his legs

Dabi just looks at him “Rough day at work?” 

Hawks just explodes at that “THIS FUCKING CUNT OH MY GOD. SHE WAS GIVING ME SO MUCH SHIT ABOU-”

Dabi nod along as Hawks yells his feelings 

“I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just want to sleep for a century” 

Hawks looks at him with the biggest puppy eyes Dabi has ever seen 

“You wanna get shit-faced drunk even though it’s a Tuesday?”

“PLEASE” 

During their first days of living with each other, Hawks and Dabi decide to eat dinner together. You know, talk and get to know the other

Since they both don’t know how to cook they just order takeout 

It’s really awkward 

“So, how was your day?”

“Uh, it was...goood” 

“Cool. Cool”

God kill me 

Dabi reflects on his life when he was still living with his siblings and what they talked about at the table. About 99.9% of it was them shit talking on their dad 

“So, you know that security lady. The one that hangs around the cafeteria?” 

“Yeah? What about her?”

“She’s a bitch, isn’t she?”

“OH MY GOD LET ME TELL YOU THIS ONE TIME-”

Yeah. Dabi’s got this. Turns out Hawks loves to shit talk and rant about people

He calls his sister and mom later that day to thank them 

They think he’s high but whatever works 

Dabi’s family comes to visit him over the break. Hawks is freaking the fuck out cause what if they don’t like him and make Dabi move out? How is he gonna survive on this own? What if they are really scary and murder him? (not that he is opposed to that but he rather die later and with Dabi)

Dabi isn’t that concerned. It’s only his sister and mother coming to visit and they are just coming to make sure he’s still alive 

“Hawks. You need to calm down. Trust me, they’re cool”

“BUT WHAT IF THEY DON’T LIKE ME. WHAT IF THEY DON’T GIVE ME THEIR BLESSING????”

“Hawks, we’re not dating nor are we getting married”

“Dude, we ride together we die together-”

“I don’t think that saying works here”

“-We’re practically soul mates at this point”

“...shit you’re right”

Dabi introduces Hawks as his boyfriend to his family

His family is proud of him even though they are 110% sure Dabi blackmailed or paid him 

It happens after they graduate college. They decided to stay together in the same shitty apartment 

They were sitting together on the couch watching Disney movies (Hawks request) 

Hawks is leaning on Dabi as Dabi is bored out of his mind

“Dabi?”

“Yeah?”

“We’ve been together for like 4ish years now right?”

“Yeah”

“And if I were to die what would you do?”

“Probably kill everyone, burn the world to the ground and then kill myself”

“I love you-you know that?”

“I do” 

Insertawkwardpausehere

“-So I was wondering if you wanted to get married or..something” 

“Yeah sure” 

They both pause. Look at each other. Before screaming 

“Wait really?!”  they both yell at the same time. Hawks is literally in tears rn

“I-I don’t really have a ring, I mean I can go into the kitchen right now and get some tin foil bu-”

“Woah Woah wait Hawks. You wanna get married??”

“BITCH IF YOU GO BACK ON THIS RIGHT NOW IM KICKING YOU OUT” 

“FUCK YEAH I WANNA GET MARRIED”

“GOOD”

“GREAT”

“FANTASTIC”

“AMAZING” 

They calm down after an hour 

“Are you sure though Hawks? It means you’re gonna have to be with my crusty ass”

“Dabi, I’ve seen your dick. It’s not crusty” 

“I think that was the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me”

“I literally proposed to you”

“And I accepted” 

Dabi calls his family to tell them the good news and Hawks calls Rumi. It was 4am so obv they didn’t pick up so they left a voice message

“Sup fuckers, I got married to my bird boyfriend. Tell our homophobic father he ain’t invited to my wedding”

“RUMI!!! I JUST PROPOSED AND HE SAID YES! WHAT DO I DO! AM I DYING? I THINK I’M DYING” 

Just letting you know, I’m totally continuing this in the future. I WILL MAKE MY BOYS HAPPY 

#dabihawks #dabi bnha #bnha hawks #boku no hero academia #bnha #mha #bnha headcanons #hotwings #dabi is a todoroki #roommate au #college au #i want these boys to get married #fuck it it's 4am i'm writing these boys getting married you can't stop me #marriage #dabi is touya

[ayearofpike]

The Starlight Crystal

Pocket Books, 1996 195 pages, 49 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-55028-4 LOC: CPB Box no. 327 (Stored at Landover) OCLC: 34074707 Released February 1, 1996 (per B&N)

Paige Christian knew she was going on the anthropologist’s starship that would use near-lightspeed travel to jump ahead generations. But that didn’t stop her from falling in love before she left. It’s that love that keeps her going — through ship problems, interstellar war, the end of the universe itself — because of a promise she made. She can’t stop and won’t stop until she gets there, because Paige’s love exceeds the boundaries of space and time.

That one-paragraph summary sounds existential and metaphorical, but actually Pike is being painfully literal with these devices. It’s maybe the first hard sci-fi he’s given us since The Tachyon Web (which, by the way, would be re-released a year after this one). And now that I look back on what I’ve read, for someone who named himself after a Star Trek character, Pike hasn’t really done much in the hard-SF realm. The aforementioned two, Eternal Enemy (the second half, at least), maybe See You Later and The Visitor (both of which probably have too much spirituality and mysticism to qualify, even if there are spaceships) and The Star Group coming up (maybe, let’s see — I don’t remember it at all). Interesting how half of that output comes during the Spooksville years. Maybe he had enough supernatural horror going on in the kidlit division and needed to drop some science on teens to balance it.

We’ve seen this title crop up a couple of times before. It’s Mark’s video game in See You Later, and Shari Cooper wrote a short story with this title as the bulk of Remember Me 3. (I feel like it might be in another one, but I don’t want to dig through this whole blog for it.) This story has more in common with the latter than the former — vindictive aliens who only want to wipe out humanity, a universal presence that we are invited to join — but it does take Paige (as Mark indicates the size of his game) “to the ends of the known universe” (SYL, 10). In more ways than one. But let me not get too far ahead of the recap.

At any rate, I liked this one more than I remembered, and then I remembered liking it back when it was released. Yeah, it’s kinda sappy — one girl’s love pushes her farther than any human has ever dreamed of going! — but it hit me at the perfect time, having just started college and being a romantic in general and trying to figure out my own relationship status. Isn’t it worth it to pursue true love across the distance, when the reward upon reunion will be so sweet? The truth is that for me it wasn’t actually true love at the time, but the idea of it, the concept of sharing my life with one who could share my heart forever. But don’t try to tell eighteen-year-old me that; I wasn’t ready to grasp the difference between loving the idea of being in love and loving an actual person I wanted to spend time with. I’m not sure Paige does either, but maybe that’s why it resonated with me then.

Let’s jump into the recap and you can decide for yourself. It starts the way so many early Pike first-person novels started, with an acknowledgement that this tale is being written or told after the events we’re about to see. And again, the narrator conveniently forgets this frame as soon as she starts telling the story. In fact, the only place this has been fully effective was Remember Me, because Shari never forgot she was telling a story from the end. Ultimately I think what it’s there for is to impress upon us the enormous span of Paige’s life (nine billion years!) and the vastness of her experience, but it’s less foreshadowing and more straight up telling (and in some ways, misleading).

Oh, I should mention before we get too deep: the protagonist of this story is named Paige Christian. The book itself is dedicated to Paige Christian. I can’t find any evidence that Pike named his character for a real person, but it wouldn’t be that weird. Like, look back at The Midnight Club, and how he said it was inspired by a storytelling group at a hospital, and how specific he was about his main character’s origins and ethnicity when he’d never really done that before. That’s a clear case of trying to respect and honor a source. It’s not really that big of a step to just using their name.

So anyway, Paige kicks off her story by talking about the day she met her true love. She was coming out of a library and met some weird lady wearing sunglasses but who otherwise seemed familiar, who suggested Paige go check out the pond in the park across the street. When she gets there, a dude suddenly emerges from the water. This is Tem, and Paige feels an instant and inexplicable connection to him, as he does to her. Unfortunately, they’ve only got a week together, as Paige is set to blast off with her dad, the captain of the study vessel. So they promise to exchange letters once a month for the rest of their lives, which for Paige sucks because she’s gonna be writing to a dead dude before a year is passed for her.

So she gets on the ship and works in the gardens and writes her letters, but quickly starts to regret her choice. She asks her father to please stop and take her back to Earth, which ... have you ever tried to get a bureaucrat to listen? He can’t compromise the mission for one person’s feelings, even if that one person is his daughter. Plus, this has been a problem for him before: he was captaining another ship where the engine went haywire and they had to abort the mission then. So obviously he wants to have a successful one, never mind that it will throw a wrench into his daughter’s true love for a dude she knew all of one week. What I’m saying is I’m having a hard time sympathizing with Paige right now.

They get through their time dilation, spending two weeks at a speed sufficient to observe 200 years passing on Earth. Which: I don’t actually know how this would work. When the engines are on, they can’t receive transmissions. When they get to their target speed (99%+ the speed of light) and are coasting, wouldn’t they be going TOO FAST to receive transmissions? Let’s gloss over that and get to the important part: the attack! Yes, Earth is attacked and destroyed just as they are starting to decelerate. These alien warships have the technology to keep up with Paige’s ship at its high speed, and they catch it and send a boarding party. Paige’s dad plans to blow up the ship so that they can take out the alien commander (like in Shari’s story), but she (the commander) kills him before he can trigger the explosion and takes Paige hostage.

However, the guard who is supposed to take Paige to their ship instead takes her to the engine room, where he says he has a power source that will accelerate their ship away from the attackers. He climbs down and inserts a green crystal into the power core, upon which he is killed by his captain. She levels her weapon at Paige, but the ship’s first officer cuts her down before she can fire. Then they check their instruments, and sure enough: the alien warships are gone, and their ship is infinitely approaching the speed of light, and their engine can’t produce the power required to slow them down, to the point where they will simply outlive the universe. (I’m also not sure that this is factually possible, but I don’t care to do the math.)

It’s time for Paige to write another letter to Tem, but she doesn’t see the point. (We’ll learn in a little bit that he only wrote to her for five years.) She’s talking about it with her friend in the garden, when all of a sudden her friend is ... possessed? a channel? At any rate, she starts talking from a larger group consciousness that wants humanity to unify with it, to drop its illusions of desire so that it can truly find love and joy. Sound familiar? This is the primary tenet of the Eastern religion that Pike loves to scatter around his stories, or at least his version of it. But they also say that there is another ship of humans nearby, one that this crew will have to assist in decelerating so that they can then start a new human colony. The new captain is adamant that there’s no way there could be another ship of humans, which, like ... fucker, there’s been 200 years of progress on Earth since you left, you seriously disbelieve they could have made ANOTHER spaceship?

But anyway, they scan for it, and they find it, and then the presence comes back and tells them how to manipulate their technology to slow down and dock with this other ship. Specifically, they tell the scientists to clone the dead alien and have Paige interact with it, and then she will activate its genetic memories and remember herself. (More greatest hits!) So they go through the contortions to put a cloning womb in a shuttle fired at a slightly lower velocity and recapture it after enough time has passed for the clone to be an adult. (Time out: if there are shuttles on this ship, why couldn’t Paige just have taken one back to Earth instead of trying to get the captain to scrub the whole mission?) Under the guidance of the other, Paige takes the alien’s hands and concentrates on the connection between hate and love (yep, it’s back) and suddenly knows how to make the green crystals that will help control their engine. Along with a whole host of genetic manipulation techniques that will come in handy later.

Meanwhile, this universal presence is trying to teach the humans how to become one with it. It talks about understanding the difference between truth and illusion, and about the importance of love. But it won’t tell them the rest until after they recover the other ship. It turns out to be a colony in extended hibernation (with the propulsion end mysteriously missing) and check it out! Tem got on! Huzzah! Only he’s not waking up. In fact, out of more than 20,000 colonists, only two didn’t survive: Tem and one other woman. He death-cheated on Paige, that bastard!

But so the upshot is that Paige still isn’t satisfied, but her desire for this physical love with one human person that she can no longer have is getting in the way of her ability to achieve otherness. They’ve come back into real time now (this is the nine billion years she spoke of at the beginning), and they’re planning to colonize the dying Earth and live it out, but Paige wants to bury Tem first. Only he sits up and starts talking to her once they’re on the surface. Of course it’s the universal consciousness channeling through his body, and it tells her that everything is destined even though we’re not supposed to feel like it, and her destiny isn’t over yet. Paige is supposed to get back on the ship, empty it out, and take off with more green crystals, wait out a cycle of death and rebirth in the entire universe, and then come back to Earth the way she left it the first time.

So she does.

So if she went on and watched the universe start over, a span of who knows how long, why at the beginning did she say she’d been alive nine billion years? It’s never addressed! Let’s move on.

Her first thought, upon returning to Earth, is to break the cycle, to say fuck you to destiny and keep herself from having to suffer. So she gets a gun and some sunglasses and finds herself outside the library. But she can’t pull the trigger. Instead, she directs herself to the pond, just as before. Then, six months later, she goes to the pond, where Tem is diving again, and she befriends him and tries to start a relationship, all the while hoping that he won’t give up on Paige-on-the-ship for hiding-older-Paige-on-Earth. And he doesn’t. So she tells him something that only they could possibly know, a promise that she whispered to him on a deserted beach before she got on the ship. And now he knows that even though she’s got a different name and is older than she’s supposed to be, she’s back for him.

But Paige also knows that she’s got another responsibility. An awesome and terrible one. And it goes along with the genetic memory thing from earlier — how could she remember what the aliens knew unless somewhere along the line they had a gene in common? In fact: it’s hers. Part of her cycling around through a new universe was so that she would know that humanity needed a calamity to kick them forward toward the universal consciousness. And so she genetically creates the aliens. But that’s not all! She clones herself and Tem, in her own womb, and then when they all get on the colony ship and drop into hibernation she sets herself to wake up early so she can do what needs to be done. First, she disconnects the propulsion end of the colony ship and shoots it off into space to evolve its “aliens.” Then she wakes her children and joins hands with her daughter, who is actually her, and gives her shared consciousness. (No, she hasn’t accomplished unity, because it’s still just her and not the universe.) She can’t make her son into her partner, so he’ll always just be her brother ... another cockblock. But she does put them into a shuttle bound back for Earth, and then kills off this iteration of Tem and herself, because it is necessary for her growth.

A lot of tragedy going on here! Don’t worry — even though this is the end of the numbered chapters, it’s not the end of Paige’s story. As soon as she’s an adult, she and Tem enlist in the space army to try to track down and kill the menace of the aliens (which didn’t exist yet, but remember she already knows it’s coming). She uses her billions of years of smarts to work her way into command of a fighter, and then puts it into position to be captured by the aliens. But she’s got a radio in her pocket that basically EMP-bombs the aliens’ genetic code and kills them all. Then they fly the alien ship back to where Paige knows their home planet is (the one she sent them to in the first place) (and yes, she needed an alien ship to make it through their defenses undetected) and plants a bomb made of green crystals on the surface, one strong enough to destroy the planet itself. She intends to set it off herself, but surprise! Tem stowed away in her shuttle, and here he cuts off his foot so that she can’t make him leave, so that he’ll save her life and be the one to perish when the alien planet explodes.

Obviously this is the end of Paige’s career in the military, as well as the end of her hanging on to a love that wasn’t ever supposed to be. She finds a home with a primitive people on a distant planet, where she learns to weave rugs with such clarity and scope that the local shaman asks for a meeting. To get there, Paige has to hike for six days, each day overcoming another step on the journey to universal oneness. When she gets to the elder’s house, no one is there but a ten-year-old kid, who slowly reveals himself to be the elder, one with the universe, and tells Paige that she’s almost there if she will just accept it. And she starts to feel it, more strongly than ever before, strongly enough that she does finally believe him. When she leaves, the wind kicks up the surrounding dust, which forms into the shape of Tem, and they leave the physical realm hand in hand, together in love at last.

I know, it’s pretty sappy. But The Starlight Crystal is a solid synthesis of everything I liked about Pike’s early years, brought back with the skill (and, yes, some of the tropes) he’d develop over a decade of writing. It’s the love story I liked about the earlier lonely sci-fi novels, enough mysticality from the later stuff to make it feel more heavy and more real, and it ties together better than a lot of his other recent work. Maybe the math doesn’t hold up, but the feeling of want, of love, of a need to belong, does.

[cbk1000]

Hi! I remember that trip you took to Europe all by yourself, and I have to tell you that's one of the most inspiring things I've ever seen. And I honestly mean that. I'm starting college this year and it's been a life long dream of mine to do the same (I live in Europe btw so it's a bit easier for me maybe). . So I wanted to ask, was it scary, how did you talk yourself into going, would you go again, do you have some advice on how to spend as little money as possible etc?

I would actually LOVE to do it again; it was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. 

I actually tried to talk myself OUT of going; I knew it was a bit nuts. I’d never been overseas before (I’d travelled a bit in the States at that point, but the only time I’d been out of the country was a day trip to Canada when I was 14 or so), and to just throw yourself headfirst into overseas travel by doing a solo three month trip is kind of batshit. But I’m kind of batshit, so it suited me.

I did a lot of research by reading blogs and articles written by backpackers who had done what I wanted to do, so I knew it was probably something I would enjoy. I also like doing things by myself, so I knew I probably wouldn’t have any major issues with loneliness, and I’m comfortable chatting up strangers, which is the name of the game when you’re a solo traveler. And I think those are really two of the most important things to consider when you’re backpacking by yourself: put yourself out there. You’ll meet some amazing people and when you do feel that pang of loneliness, you’ll always be able to find a companion to go sightseeing with. At the same time, don’t be afraid to do things by yourself; I did a lot of solo sightseeing, and it was amazing. You don’t have to get a consensus from a group on who wants to do what; no one argues; no one wants to do things their way. You just pick wherever the hell you want to go, and you go. Some of my favourite parts of my trip involved me just rambling alone around some city. I actually found a really amazing little archaeology museum in Croatia that way.

As for keeping costs down, Nomadic Matt  has a lot of really good general tips and also breaks down average costs and accommodations by region. I would definitely take a look through his site; I used it for some of my research. You have a huge advantage as a European; there are tons of budget airlines and bus lines you can take advantage of. Airfare was one of my biggest expenses; a roundtrip ticket from the west coast of the U.S. to Ireland (where I started) isn’t cheap. 

Some hostels will occasionally do free dinners for their guests, so you might want to keep an eye out for that sort of thing (they’ll usually advertise on their website). There was a hostel in Budapest that did a free dinner for the backpackers on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if I remember correctly. They would make traditional Hungarian dishes for us to try, and everyone would sit around a big table and eat and chat. There was also a hostel in Scotland (Inverness, I think?) that did a haggis dinner for the guests. Some of them also have restaurants attached that are decently priced for budget travelers. Mostly, however, I would just look up the nearest grocery store and stock up on a few essentials. I’d usually buy some rolls, maybe a bit of cheese, some stuff for a few days’ worth of breakfast, etc. I usually would get a bunch of greens and some vegetables too so I could make up some cheap, easy salads. The vast majority of hostels will have a kitchen so you can store your food and also have a place to prep it if necessary. It’s worth popping into little cafes sometimes, too. There was one right round the corner from my hostel in Belfast where you could get a huge bowl of oatmeal for £3; it filled me up till lunch when I would snack on whatever I got at the grocery store. I stayed three days and ate there every morning. 

Some countries and cities are just going to be more expensive than others. London was a lot of fun, but it was also fucking hell on the wallet. Once you start getting into eastern Europe, everything starts getting a lot cheaper, so that’s something to keep in mind. The hostel I stayed at in Croatia cost me $10 a night. Also, if you want to see a lot of popular tourist attractions, look into whether or not there’s a city pass; lots of cities have them. Buying a city pass will get you into a bunch of the major attractions at a heavily discounted price. Remember that paying to see certain attractions is worth it, but you can honestly wander across some really amazing stuff just by heading out on foot and getting to know a city in a way that riding a tram or bus will never allow you to become acquainted with it. 

Was it scary?

Yes. You’re striking out, completely alone, for a country full of strangers speaking a language you might not even know. If you’re not a little bit nervous about that, you’re probably a little bit stupid. It’s ok to be scared. Honestly? When I was boarding my flight to Dublin, there was a moment when I didn’t know if I could get on the plane. That was partly because I have a pretty severe phobia of flying; but it was also partly because I stopped and said to myself, what in the holy MOTHERFUCK am I doing?? It was insane. Probably someone was going to rob me and then later I would be murdered and my mother would get to say, “I told you so” over my grave while in hell I cursed and gnashed my teeth at the murderer who enabled my mother to get to be smug about my disastrous failure as a traveler and human being in general. It’s scary; for those few moments before you internally slap yourself as you’re frantically calculating all the things that can go terribly wrong when you step foot outside familiar soil, it’s paralyzing.

It was also, hands-down, one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I don’t regret a second of it. You will be frustrated. Unless you have a far better sense of direction than I do, you will get lost. A lot. (Just keep walking until something looks familiar; you’ll find your way back eventually. And if all else fails, find the nearest shop or tourist booth and make a self-deprecating sad face and pull out your map. A roommate and I once had a Hungarian man who really didn’t even speak English help us try to read a map while we were wandering, completely lost, around Budapest at like one in the morning. People will help you.) Sometimes your card won’t work on a tram ticket machine in the Netherlands because you didn’t know those fuckers only take Dutch bank cards and you don’t have any proper currency on you because you just took a bus in from London and all your money is still in pounds and you’re stranded in the middle of  RANDOM PARKING LOT WHERE THE BUS JUST DROPPED YOU OFF WHICH YOU THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE AN ACTUAL BUS STATION BUT IT’S NOT (thx) AND YOU WILL WONDER HOW THE FUCK ALL AM I GOING TO GET TO AMSTERDAM FROM HERE. Take a deep breath; you will have moments like that. You will figure out how the fuck all you’re going to get to Amsterdam from there (plead your case to a kindly tram driver and they will give you a free ride into the city; it helps if you first make friends with an English/German woman who will also plead your case + point you to the nearest ATM once you reach the city). 

It will make you a better problem solver; you will come away with an immense satisfaction. To rely so completely on yourself, and to succeed, even imperfectly, is so ridiculously gratifying. 

All you need is a little common sense and enough guts to push yourself into actually doing it. I promise you, it’s much easier than it looks.

#travel #also come back and keep me updated on your travel plans!!

[bba-sae]

Battlefield(Preview)

Pairing: Yuta/Reader

Genre: RA!YUta

Word Count: As of now: Around 4K, will probably end up being around 10K

Summary: Some feuds can only end the hard way.

Release date: [Soonest]: End of this week [Latest]: Early November

Author’s note: Hey friends, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted something and I wanted to let you know that I am writing. I’m actually working on like 4 different thing. but I’ve been working on this one for awhile, so I figured I would give you guys a preview. Let me know what you think of it, if I should even finish or just throw it in the trash. Your comments will help determinehow soon I’ll finish(: 

There’s a funny thing about feuds and how word of it spreads like wildfire.

 Freshmen know not to mention it on their first day, advisors shy away from confronting the subject, too scared to figure out the details and the other RAs simply watch the mess unfold, piece by goddamn piece.

But right in the middle of the storm, was where you stood looking through eyes of pure, unadulterated hatred. From your fingertips, you conjured a tempest of preposterous strength, leaving no mercy for the ones who are reluctantly pulled in. Though, the turmoil caused could by no means simply be produced by you alone; for every war starts with two sides plotting. In this case, the opposition took form in a heathen by the name of Yuta.

An arrogant fucker he was.

The mere thought brought a pounding surge through your head, rendering you irked beyond your limit. No one quite knew the story that manifested such disgust from the both of you, and to be candid, everyone was too scared to ask. The sheer mention of the other already brought a fiery glimmer in each others eyes that further insight might be something of a nightmare.

It had become precedent to keep the your radiuses from overlapping, a rule of conduct established by every committee, board, and student of your university. That was until, unbeknownst to both parties, your choices in residence halls exhibited severe propinquity to the other. Two buildings, adjacent to the others and far too close for comfort. So close, in fact, a few steps out one door lead to the lobby of the other. In the past, the Darley buildings housed best friends as resident assistances that wanted to see each other as often as possible. 

But Darley North also had the hottest girls that Yuta just couldn’t resist, and Darley South’s dorms had to have been the nicest on the campus, you rather enjoyed it’s coziness. Both of you had figured you wouldn’t mind who occupied the building next door, deeming it completely worth it with your respective choices. Both of you have never regretted a decision more in your life.

“He’s in Darley north?” You stare at your friend, shock overcoming your body, mingling with the absolute anger bubbling through you. She shrugged, thinking nothing of it as she replied nonchalantly.

“He’s in Darley north.” She utters, accustomed to your feud and frankly, quite bored of it. 

You clench your fists as you drop it onto the table yet Lisa still doesn’t seem all that phased by it. She has known you for years, the same reaction whenever his name is uttered. “And I’m in Darley south?”

“And you’re in Darley south.”

You take a deep breath, rolling your head back as you lean farther into your chair, “And I have to see him at the meeting?”

“You get to see him at the meeting.” She says instead, always remaining honest about her opinion of the boy. She looks at you with a smile, fully aware of how much Yuta’s undeniable charm gets under you skin. 

“Fuck.” You mutter, already feeling the headache pulse through your temple. You lean into the table, a heavy sigh following your words in despair. 

“That’s what I’ve been telling you to do! I’m surprised you haven’t jumped on the chance to screw a gorgeous piece of ass like that.” Lisa bobs her head as she bites her lip, imagining the boy himself. It wasn’t hard to see that Yuta likely had almost every girl wrapped around his finger, you hated that the most. But even you couldn’t lie to yourself, Yuta was hot shit, and he knew it. But wrath has put it’s own pair of glasses on you, and they definitely weren’t rose tinted. 

You gag involuntarily and glare when you’re through. Lisa rolls her eyes when you speak, your words going in one ear and out the other, “You disgust me.”

“Look, I don’t know what he did to you, and frankly I don’t want to know, but you have to admit, he’s pretty cute. Cocky bastard and all, but still better than all your other options.”

“No never, he’s a pig, and I want to slap that disgusting smirk off his pretty little face every time I see him”

“Awe,” You hear a sinister voice coo from behind you, your fist clench in habit and a pounding rushes through your head. He’s here. You turn around in your chair slowly, craning your neck upward to look at the lord of all fuck boys himself, “You think I’m pretty?” 

Yuta crouches down in front of you, a new level so that he must look up at you. He smiles and tilts his head to the side, hands clasp each other between legs. He’s so close to you, so dangerously close, you swear to god, you just had to move your hand just a little bit and punch him square in the nose. 

But you’ve already been reported from the last party, so playing nice was all you had. 

You let out a deep sigh, closing your eyes and opening them one more time, hoping he was just an annoying figment of your imagination, “Oh yeah, I think you’re absolutely gorgeous.” You reply nonchalantly, tilting your head and squinting your eyes, “if I squint my eyes, like, so much so my eyes are closed and I can stare at that dark void which is ten times more pleasant than your actual presence.” You open your eyes again, and Yuta has a smug smirk on his face again. 

So close, you could punch a tooth out too. “Awe, you think you’re intimidating.” He says again in such a patronizing tone, you almost don’t care about your position as an RA anymore. He gets up from his position, his height towering over your still sitting figure,  “You’re so small, it’s almost like I can’t even see you.”

You shrug and cross your arms, leaning against the table your sat at, “Funny, isn’t that what that girl said when she left your place the other night?” The boy gasps, and all anyone in earshot distance can do is laugh quietly to themselves, 

“Yuta, honey, I have connections everywhere, I hear everything.”

Yuta shifts awkwardly under your mocking gaze before he attempts to compose himself. A loud cackle escapes from Lisa’s throat, her hand being thrown up to cover her mouth. “You kind of set yourself up for that one.” She explains through her fit of laughter. The boy in front of you sends a pointed glare to your friend, sharp enough to shut her mouth.

“I heard you’re in Darley South.” Yuta says as he coughs into his mouth, a nonchalant gaze straying from your figure and scanning the blurbs of people too unimportant to focus on. The two girls in the corner passing whispers of gossip, the young couple struggling to survive their first “study date”, the stoner who’s text book hides just how far away his mind is; all of them seem to blend into colors and patterns in contrast with the details of your face. Of which Yuta has remembered perfectly. He says it’s because you haunt him in his sleep, and you assume it’s another jab at your ego. Yet only he knows that these dreamscapes were of a much different experience. A secret he doesn’t dare to admit. 

“And you’re in Darley North.” You say bluntly, watching his eyes flicker back to you. You stand up to alleviate the daunting height difference, though it doesn’t help all that much. Yuta’s eyes focus into yours, your stare down building up enough tension to suffocate everyone.

“Give up your spot.” Both of you are startled at your synchronization, but neither of you are willing to back down. Within seconds the two of spiral down into a battle of spitfire phrases, no one really knowing when you give yourselves the time to think. The words come out one after another, sharper than the last yet neither of you breakdown your resolve enough to actually be hurt by it.   

“I’ve worked too hard these two years to have my junior of college ruined by a barbarian like you.”

“So have I, you fucking she-devil.”

“Sleeping with the senior resident assistant that assigns us does not count as hard work.”

“Says you, I didn’t get a wink of sleep that night.” Yuta ponders the thought for a moment, a sly smirk ascending on his face. He turns his eyes back to you, a face full of pure disgust staring back at him. “It’s exhausting only giving and not receiving, but I guess you wouldn’t know either side of that.”

“You’re insufferable.” 

“You’re a bitch.”

“Just sleep with each other already.” Lisa sighs before collecting her things in her arms. She stuffs her books in her backpack and rolls her eyes at the two of you. Your blank stares entertain the girl, causing her to stifle a laugh. 

“I have standards.” Yuta retorts, only to be shot down again by your verbal hits. You look at Lisa annoyed before an exaggerated turn of your head brings you back to Yuta. His face contorts in disgust from the proximity of your faces, a faked gesture that Yuta never fails at. “Yeah, they have to be as dimwitted and desperate as he is.” 

“That is no way to speak of your mother.” He feigns authority, trying to imitate a stern fathers voice. He grins, hands shoved into his pockets as he leans, leans so close to you, you feel the demons of impulse take over you. 

You swear it wasn’t really you who punched him in the nose.

#Yuta #nakamoto yuta #nct yuta #yuta imagine #NCT #nct imagine #nct 127 #nct blurb #nakamoto yuta imagine #nct imagines #nct 127 imagines #nct 127 fluff #nct fluff #college nct #college yuta

[growingrootsinco]

My Timeline

This exercise is designed to help pick the patterns in my behavior. Along the way I'm sure I will find other uses for it. First, a few reminders. DO NOT go back and edit. DO NOT beat around the bush. Accuracy is key.

2011

Working retail. In a relationship that is mind numbing. Brand new at this and dont have much to report. Not even sure what to write here.

2012

Fighting feelings of guilt. He's finally been put behind bars. I think I may need counseling.

Feeling guilty. Wanna kill myself.

2013

Fired from job. On unemployment. Still in BS relationship. Not sure this timeline is panning out to be what I thought it would.

New a new start. Signed up for college classes. Dental Assisting. Not something I would have thought I would choose. Worth a try.

School is turning out to be fun. Trouble paying but dad is helping. Gave me a car to get into San Antonio. I can feel the stress subsiding. Step grandfather passed. No emotion for someone who was such a prick towards the end of his life.

Christmas was a disaster. So many snobby family members.

2014

Ok. I think I'm getting this timeline thing. Hard to not go back and change it though.

Enjoying school. Especially clinicals. Will start my hours soon the graduate.

Relationship is okay now that he stays gone all week. I think I hate him.

Hours in my clinicals are rough with no pay. Got a job at a little cafe about 20 hours a week. Love my boss and his wife.

Clinicals FINALLY done. Job searching time.

OMFG clinical hours do not count as experience therefore no experience equals no job. wtf.

FML still no fucking chances anywhere. Suicidal thoughts.

Mom flipped the fuck out as usual. Took the boyfriends side because she was wrong. Would have rather him have gone. Getting tired of both of them anyway.

Time to hold it down on my own. His health is bad. Which makes me feel bad for wanting him gone. I think I have checked out emotionally. Or never checked in.

2015

Finally got my foot in the door at an office. Found someone I can learn everything from. She's awesome. The doctor is a douche but I can deal. Besides what man isnt a douche?

Theres something wrong with this office. So many people being secretive and my office manager is a total bitch. A "mean girl".

Gotta stop reading over this everytime I come in here. I want to change it!

Ok my 6 months is up for experience, time to look for another office. My mentor flaked and left. On my own.

Put in 2 week notice only to have my pay raised and promoted to office manager. Do I really want to sit behind a desk instead of working on patients?

Still in dead end relationship. Still hate him. Suicidal thoughts.

I think I'm getting this timeline down. Starting to see my patterns already. Even if I dont write them in here. How to fix them?

Easy holidays without family. Spent them with friends in Bastrop. Relief!

2015

Still working in the same office for more pay. Found out why everyone is so secretive. Doctor is a mess. In debt up to his eyeballs, no longer getting paid on time, misappropriated funds on a regular basis, has no business sense what so ever, deals with shady people, I doubt his abilities due to MANY pissed off patients, holy shit, the list goes on. Back to the drawing board for a new job.

2 surgeries almost back to back. I'm falling apart. Suicidal thoughts.

Well fuck. Jobs are everywhere but pay is a bitch. Nothing matches it. Cant quit here if I cant sustain my living situation.

BS relationship has finally taken its toll. Verdict is in. I hate his guts. Tired of doing everything myself. Spends all his time on the computer chating with girls. What do I care? Maybe one of them will take him in. Why do I want to strangle him in his sleep?

2016

Got a new house but still not happy.

Tried out a new office but it's not the same. I think I got use to the chaos. Alot of blood sweat and tears have gone into that office. Went back.

Doctor has hired an overpriced nanny. This bitch is gonna drive me to drinking. I've been replaced. Good thing or bad thing?

Starting to understand my emotions. Realizing my family is the root of my issues in life. Now I'm becoming content with no contact. Just have to figure out this BS relationship.

On my birthday, I think I found my SM. Talking on a regular basis. And finally figured out what to do about BS relationship.

2017

Missed a bunch of time on this so I'm writing it in 2019 and trying to write as I would have in that time and frame of mind. Using things from other posts to help write this.

New home again but cant afford it without help. Took on roommate. She's awesome.

Hanging with Boozefighters next door is a really good time.

Fired from job for insubordination. What a bitch!

Depression setting in. I want out of this town. Suicidal thoughts.

Dad is helping me move back to hometown and can already tell I was right about my family. My daughter is pissed!

Trying to find comfort in family but wanting more than anything for SM to give in.

First job back in retail because dental pay is BS.

Things with SM are rocky. A couple of jail stays and lots of drinking. Having trouble keeping my head on straight and leaning back on emotions instead of thinking logical.

SM busted! Now what? Something always sets me back. Wtf? What is so wrong with my choices in life?

Got a place together. More drinking...... and some fighting......... and court........

Realized I went off the reservation due to my feelings for him. Haven't thought logical in some time.

These feelings have to be real. Cant fight them. But emotions are unreliable.

More turmoil with family. Trying to reconcile with mother. Didnt got well. Fuck it!

2018

Lost car at Christmas and finding it hard to hold onto my job. Feeling depressed again. Suicidal thoughts.

Only thing I'm sure of are my feelings for SM. He's got me and now I'm scared of what I may do for him.

Job is suffering so transfer and begin walking to work.

Realizing the hold SM has on me and it's dangerous. Is it healthy to be this attached? Should I distance myself? HELL NO

Bought a new car. But now I need a new job and SM is leaving me to serve time.

Moved in with grandmother when SM goes into serve time. I'm slipping again. More depression and anxieties are back.

New job is overnights and not sleeping like I need to. I want him home! Job isnt going well from depression and 2 hospital visits for sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Job is too demanding and anger creeping up.

Transfer to different department hoping it helps but instead get hours cut.

Weekend drives to unit for visits that never seem to last long enough. Cant touch him like I need to, like i want to.

Dont want to do a fucking thing if he cant be with me. Cancelled on so many things with friends. Is this what my life has come to?

Searching for a new job. Wtf is wrong with this town. Part time only and everyone is short staffed.

Cant pay bills at my grandmothers. 500 dollar electric bill. Fuck this!

I'm cracking..... had an emotional breakdown and unsure of how to hold myself together.

Hanging with people I know I shouldnt and offered a chance at Colorado. Do I take it?

Got another part time overnight. What the hell am I doing killing myself like this? Fuck this town and fuck this whole goddamn state!

Took the Colorado offer but I know he will have issues with it. How to handle it? It's where he wants to be but doubt we would make it there by his hand.

Packed up, missed a visit. He's going to go ape shit! Daughter is more excited then I am because I cried all the way here. Why does it feel wrong at the same time?

Well I was right. He went ape shit.

Colorado is a culture shock but I can feel myself calming. Driving the amish all over is peaceful and informative. But hurting for money. Place we are staying in is run down and not fit for habiting.

SM sent a letter. If I dont go back, its over. I guess it's over. I dont have the money to go back. Hold onto hope that he will be here when he gets out anyway.

Got a job with the county that's going well. I now understand what I have to do to complete my main goal. (Main goal is in another post.)

Opened the guitar up to stare at it and cry all day. Wth............

Christmas was rough. Still on the fence about my decision to come here even though most of the time I'm at peace with the views here.

2019

Person I came with is expressing feelings towards me. Not feeling it.

Working 2 part time jobs so I can stop driving the amish but tired of the travel with one job.

Got a place in Romeo. Its decent but I've been ripped off. This asshole needs to be shot. Speaking of being shot. I'm being threatened and I have 2 gunshots in my house.

Rightful owner let me buy it from her. Ok I can do this. Now to do something about the asshole who ripped me off. The fucker lives right across the street.

Against my better judgement J moves in. I think I need protection. Bought a gun. Bad idea. J is a felon. He's not here alot but appearance is what matters. Wtf. I guess I'm back to using people again.

Turns out we make a good team. Accomplishing quite a bit to achieve my main goal. I still dont feel like he does but I'm getting shit done.

Bought a trailer house, 2 parcels of land, a boat, 2 cars and a camper trailer. Way to go!!!

What the hell did I just do? I just made things way more complicated and started something I have no intentions of finishing. Heart breaking again.

Fighting, fighting, fighting. I finally understand how SM felt about me in the beginning. Suicidal thoughts.

My daughter is settling in nicely. Started a three some relationship and taking after my mother. Lol Now she's met a guy and starting to find herself.

My daughter turned 18! Holy shit I'm old............

SM is in a halfway house......... he didnt sound happy and I think my heart is breaking again. J is flipping out on me again over SM. Pressure is on. Dont slip again. Stay focused.

Yay! for phone time! Again confirming my emotions are real this time.

My daughter graduated. Yup, I'm still old. And getting older by the minute.

Went to Midland to clear up the storage unit. Fuck! It's all gone. Destroyed! All his stuff is gone. I've gotta replace it all.

Ok home ownership sucks! Everything breaks and has to be fixed........ twice!

Cleared my head. For once........

Divorce is final. 16 years and now back in contact with my son. Feeling complete.

Job is going great.

In negotiations on another home and a restaurant.

Joined 2 community boards and Search & Rescue.

Talk therapy helped me come to a conclusion. Time to let go of SM.

Married J. Did I do whats best for my future?

This time around, marriage has proved to be easier than the first. Im all in but fearful of not knowing what the future holds.

Notes

Fill in above the notes as you go. Remember. Dont edit or erase. Dont fucking touch it other than adding. Calling yourself out only works when the truth is written down. Yes they will change consistently. Find your patterns. Truth means sensitive information so dont let anyone read it unless you are ready for anger. If you happen to mentor someone in the future, that might not be a good idea! And pay attention during depression spells. Ever emotion counts.

Had the best holidays ever. Real trees are a mess though.

2020

Finally got full time with benefits at the County

Set up my retirement and 401. This is what I have wanted my entire life. And life insurance!

Pandemic approaching.

Lockdown! Sent home for 2 months with pay.

Took up arts and crafts and gardening to pass the time.

Stimulus check. Bought my daughter a car.

Lots of facetime with my son!

Back to work. So many restrictions.

COVID cases are declining.

County in trouble financially. How much longer will I have a job?

Paid of the house! After a court battle from attempting to rip us off. Again........

Gained another family member.

Going back on lockdown with pay again.

[greeksnfreaks]

RAMBLY STUFF BELOOOWW

Alright, so I have a relatively old blog for a character I'd started writing for... A demon; namely, Zozo. You know, right? And I also write, or rather wrote as Alastair-- the white eyed demon from Supernatural for quite some time. And so with that recent episode with the Prince of Hell that the Winchesters killed -- y'know, with the lance of Michael, etcetc. I was thinking... like.. idk... yo like, what if ZOZO, was the last white eyed demon. Or w/e. How I write/wrote Zozo(pazuzu) was that, he was trapped/imprisoned in an alternate plane of existence. Ripped open just for him, key thrown away for all eternity with no chance of escape. Which is why he only seems to be come up when Ouija boards and shit are bein used (i.e. bc they're considered 'portals', right? I tend to just like, take this and play on the thought that, since they're 'portals', or windows rather-- he can sometimes see through the 'veil'. Like looking past a really dirty window-- you can SEE, and you can even interact, if only just a little, through it, but that's all. So he's stuck in this blank, black, desolate nothingness -- this VOID-like dimension with no means of escape, except through these windows. It's the only thing he can see, so when he DOES see it, he tries to wiggle his fingers under the glass panes, you know? get some space there. it never lasts long, though. so he's often shut out without being able to really fling the portal open.) SOO!!!! I was thinking: What if he was placed in this dimensional prison, because he was too unstable? Because he was violent and greedy and loved chaos too much.  What if after Lucifer got caged, the other demons-- or even angels (which is more likely) decided that he was too dangerous to be left to his own devices. He didn't CARE like Alastair and Lilith did. He had NO ambition, no DESIRE for some grand plan. His only real desire, was to create chaos and to bask in the glory of what he's done. WHAT IF-- during the times of Babylon, Assyria-- etc. He wreaked so much havoc, JUST through the arm-space he managed to rip into the veil of the material plane-- that the ancient civilization decided that enough was enough. So they slammed the door shut on him for good. Centuries pass, quiet as can be for those times-- and then he sees some sort of light. So he goes to it, and he squints through this little window, barely able to see through it-- but he able to see enough. A way out, he figures. And the worst, most cruel and horrible smile comes over his face because-- for CENTURIES AGAIN, he'd been locked in this dark room with NOTHING but himself. He, understandably... Got very bored. So when Ouija boards got popular, despite him not really LIKING playing around with them much, he took whatever chance he could get to try to wiggle his fingers under the window. Until one day, some stupid group of college kids do everything wrong. They drink, the smoke up, they're really not in their right minds, and they're so rude too. They don't cleanse the area, they do it in a notoriously haunted area, and they keep breaking the 'rules' of playing the Ouija board. So... decades upon decades of having played with humans, of having touched them and sapped them of their energy as much as he could-- and he gets most of his strength back. He's basically powered back up, conserving energy for all this time. And then he rips the veil open, farther than he ever had, and he jumps out of that damned prison, the dimensional portal slamming shut behind him like a spring loaded door. And he's out.

SO WHAT IF:  Zozo (technically.. Pazuzu) is the last remaining white eyed demon. What IF, despite the centuries worth of lore on him, of movies and books and ghost stories--he's ACTUALLY not THAT BAD. I mean, he's a demon, and he's batshit crazy like any of those fuckers, but overall: he really just wants to keep to himself, like the Princes of Hell. He thinks Lucifer is just some fucking manchild throwing a fit-- he's lost ANY ambition he had in the beginning. SURE, he's powerful and he could kill him with a LOOK but really? Who the fuck cares. What's the point of that power, if you're not going to DO something with it?? and the BABY? THE NEPHILIM?? WHAT. WERE. YOU. THINKING. YOU IDIOT. YOU PIGHEADED, OSTRICHBRAINED IMBICILE. that nephilim, if and when it is born, is going to be fucking uncontrollable. it could probably kill Lucifer, he figures. It's gotta go. BUT... He knows he can't do it alone, so WHAT IF HE DOES HIS HOMEWORK AVOIDS ANGELS AND DEMONS BC THEY ALL PROBABLY WANT HIM BACK IN HIS PRISON BC HES FUCKING TOO MUCH AND HE REACHES OUT, QUIETLY, TO THE WINCHESTERS OR SOMETHING. Introduces himself, offers to lend a hand with the whole thing. When they ask WHY he'd do that, and what's in it for him, he just fucking snorts and shrugs because?? who in their right mind would want THAT THING in this world? a crazy archangel's nephilim child? No thanks. I'll even help you out with those British assholes, cause they're fucking crazy too. After that?? he says he'll just vanish. He's had his fun, played TOO MANY board games for his after-lifetime, and so he figures its time to retire to the hills or something. Go fishing or whatever. Or go to hell, maybe help out with torture or something. he doesn't know. hes just fucking tired of being ZOZO. THE OUIJA DEMON. bc fuck. that. he wants some fucking curly fries.

#Ooc #Munstuff #pls excuse me while i go on abt my own muse from another blog whoops lmao #but whAT IF #idk. IDK. is that something ppl would be into? wh O KNOWS

[junker-town]

THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE, let’s not let 4 top-10 upsets distract us from the fact that Louisville gave up 45 points in a loss to Boston College

It’s your weekly tour of the angriest in college football internet.

College football’s Week 7 was wild. Four top-10 teams lost to unranked opponents, making it the first true UPSET WEEKEND of the year. The games on Friday and Saturday were a great illustration of why we all love this sport.

Another illustration: the internet meltdowns from the fanbases whose teams lost. We’re here to give them their due.

Auburn (lost at LSU, 27-23)

And did so after having a 20-0 lead and 96 percent win probability. How are Auburn fans feeling about Gus Malzahn? To the Auburn board at SECRants.com!

Gus supporters he made us the #3 team in the state....

#1 Alabama #2 Troy (they beat LSU) #3 Auburn

The first reply:

4th. You're forgetting South Alabama

Some see this loss as a potentially unifying event.

Has Gus Malzahn finally unified the fanbase?

Too long now we've been divided among those of us who looked at the glass half full and those of us who have looked at it as a broken glass stepped on by years of a combination of arrogance and incompetence.

Are Auburn fans all finally 100% committed to change for the betterment of the program?

The first reply:

Regardless if that glass is half full or empty, i think we’ve all figured out that it’s filled with piss

One poster simply notes: “Friendly reminder Gus was out-coached by Ed Orgeron.”

Here are a few people who believe Malzahn is trying to get himself fired:

Another thread posits the same idea:

Gus wants his buyout money

-zero fricks given -he's bored with auburn - angry about his mandatory break up with rhett

(Malzahn’s buyout is somewhere north of $6.6 million if Auburn fires him now.)

One fan is on board with Gus’ scheme:

Thank you Gus!

You have made my life easier. With the poor performance and second loss I now have no expectations. I plan to fish more and check the scores on Saturday from the water. The UGA game now makes no difference and actually I may have to pull for losing all the remaining games just so Gus goes away for sure.

And former Auburn and NFL fullback Heath Evans applied for the not-vacant head coaching job in a startlingly detailed note on Twitter:

#WAREAGLE http://pic.twitter.com/2Qp0Dm3Zt5

— Heath Evans (@HeathEvans44) October 14, 2017

Clemson (lost at Syracuse, 27-24)

Dabo Swinney is 95-29 at Clemson. He’s one of four active FBS head coaches to have ever won a title. He’s also an ex-Alabama player, and he spent his Saturday attending a 1992 championship reunion in Tuscaloosa. But Swinney just signed an eight-year deal worth $54 million at Clemson.

Let’s see how a poster at the TigerNet.com forum feels about all this.

Dabo needs to choose Bama or us...

Unacceptable having a coach who is making travel plans to another school while it's game week with a shorter week of rest and the starting QB is hurt. Sick of hearing this Bama stuff. The AD needs to force the issue with Dabo that he needs to come out and say he is 110% committed to Clemson and the Bama talk is non sense. Clemson fans are pouring in too much money to have a head coach worried about traveling to another school during the season. Dabo needs to be reminded he was rejected by Bama numerous times, and given the opportunity of a lifetime by Clemson

Swinney was classy to Syracuse after the loss there Friday night, even going to the Orange locker room to congratulate and take pictures with players. Is classiness actually bad?

Is Dabo Still Hungry

An Honest Question. The drive comes from the coaches, and it did not appear to be there. Last year's team was hungry, every week they got better.

I believe in the players and coaches, But do they have the same hunger as last year? Or are they a little too okay with this loss?

I am sure I will be slammed. But going into the other team locker room right after a loss. Never heard of that before. Act of class or a lack of hunger?

The next game will tell a lot.

Someone else is worried that Clemson’s path to an ACC Atlantic title is now obstructed by Syracuse, which, well: who knows if the Orange will ever lose at football again?

Has anyone been talking about the fact we need Cuse to lose?

Maybe Germans but if Cuse somehow beats Miami they have a shot at the division, we don't control our own destiny even if we do win out

One of the key parts of any post-loss message board cycle on the college football internet is when posters start to claim they’re abandoning the message board out of frustration with their fellow fans. This happens all over the country, but Clemson fans were really insistent about it.

Don't know what I was thinking

I have followed Tigernet for some time on Twitter and have been a member here for a while but not an active contributor. That being said, I am now considering dumping both sites. I thought this would be a place for real fans of our beloved Tigers. I am appalled at some of the things that I have read here today. This should be a place for updates about what is going on and a place to support our teams.

Most of what has been on here has been name calling and very derogatory comments about our staff. The very same staff that were the greatest in the world when we won the Natty.

All of this after one loss this season. The same number of losses we had last year. I call these people fair weather supporters, not true fans.

So, bash my thoughts if you like, but just remember, who are you really hurting with your words. Here's a hint, it is not the coaches, it is the players you say you support.

Someone has a good analogy for it:

Comin­g on Tigernet after we lost a game is kinda like

thinking back about a previous marriage. It seemed like a good idea when you did it.

But then the whining and bishing and moaning and complaining starts and you have to wonder what in the world was I thinking.

So, you give it up for a while.

Then after a couple of years you forget how bad it was the last time and you make the same mistake all over again.

We never learn.

Washington (lost at Arizona State, 13-7)

At HardcoreHusky.com, a rant by user “CokeGreaterThanPepsi”:

COKEHEAD IS MAD AS HELL AND HE'S NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

How can a bunch of losers like us sitting in our moms' basement see that Jake Browning should never ever be the focal point of the offense and should never have our hopes and dreams thrust on his shoulders to lead a mild comeback, but our fucking coaches can’t see that shit?

That shit last night was utterly embarrassing by Jake and Pete. I am done blaming Jonathan Smith because Pete needs to stop being a pussy and tell that fucker Smith that this bullshit with pretending Jake is even one of our top 10 players on our team is a fucking joke.

Play to the strengths of your fucking team. PLAY TO THE STRENGTHS OF THE TEAM. FUCK!

Also, fuck Pete for hiring Pease and Strausser.

Washington’s offense has generally been amazing under coordinator Jonathan Smith.

But someone’s got a new, realistic coordinator suggestion for Chris Petersen:

Hire Chip Kelly

Fucking do it Pete.

(Hiring Chip Kelly is also part of the post-loss message board routine at any big school.)

Let’s see how this guy’s feeling about Jake Browning, one of the better QBs in school history and the guy who led a Playoff offense a season ago:

Jake Browning's Legacy

Being held to 7 points against one of the worst teams in the P12, coached by an illiterate buffoon, and coming off 11 straight games of yielding 30 points.

Johnathan Smith too.

That is their legacy. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Nothing more, nothing less. Tough but fair.

Washington State (lost at Cal, 37-3)

Both sides of the Apple Cup earned a moment in this spotlight.

At WazzuWatch.com, a visual representation of the WSU offense:

Keeping with the zombie theme (a frequent Mike Leach topic), another poster doesn’t think QB Luke Falk should get the opportunity to represent Wazzu in big games later in the season.

Why I don't want to win out

The spectre of Falkenstein showing up for a high profile, big time game is just too much to bear.

At this point I'd rather be an 8 or 9 win team with him at the helm so we get a middling team that we could have the possibility to beat despite poor play from him (though last night showed that if he's determined to lose, he'll make it happen.)

I don't trust him and I don't feel he deserves the opportunity to embarrass the school and the team like he did last night.

Falk has thrown for more than 13,000 yards in four seasons in Pullman, ICYMI.

As an added bonus on Wazzu’s weekend, the Cougs had their athletic director, Bill Moos, hired away by Nebraska. Let’s check in with the commenters at SB Nation’s CougCenter:

Oregon lost this weekend, too. Good times in the Pacific Northwest!

Tennessee (lost at home to South Carolina, 15-9)

The Vols are not ranked. They’re actually 3-4. But the message boards at VolNation.com have become appointment viewing this season.

I’ll keep this short, though. Here is a thread in which Tennessee football fans seriously consider the idea of trying to hire away the head coach from ...

<drumroll>

<continued drumroll>

Purdue!

Emphasis added:

I'm warming up to the idea of bringing in Jeff Brohm

Obviously, it'd be a challenge to convince him to leave Purdue after only 1 season but he's looking better and better as a head coach.

Saturday, he beat PJ Fleck decisively. In the season opener, he almost beat Petrino. He beat an SEC team 38-3. And he had Harbaugh on the ropes in the 4th quarter. This man knows how to coach...

And what's just as impressive, is his ability to get the most out of his quarterbacks. He's currently rolling with two QBs who have combined for 13 TDs to 6 INTs and a completion percentage of 62% (the leading passer is at 69%). What he was able to do with QBs Brandon Doughty and Mike White at WKU is simply remarkable... not to mention the 1600 yard rusher and TWO 1300 yard receivers he coached last year... The man has one of the best offensive minds in football.

I’m not even making fun of anything here. It’s all true.

Louisville (lost at home to Boston College, 45-42)

Which, to be clear, involved giving up 45 points to Boston College.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA WE JUST LOST AT HOME TO BC GET THE DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN RIGHT NOW

— Mathew Ryan Haskell (@MHaskell5) October 14, 2017

We seriously lost to Boston College yesterday. That was real life wow.

— JC (@ConnorCarroll11) October 15, 2017

I really still can't believe we lost to freaking Boston college. Smfh.

— Sam Borella (@samborella) October 15, 2017

Dude, we lost to BC.

— Brick Bitino (@Mr_Wilson502) October 14, 2017

I go on a hike and come back expecting to see Louisville beat BC by like 100... but we lost. Wtf???????

— Emily Houze (@houzeemily) October 14, 2017

recorded game, busy day, just finished game, dumbfounded we lost to Boston College to feel better I’m gonna say they had Doug Flutie

— Stephen Kihnley (@_olekihnley32) October 15, 2017

That is fucking great @UofLFootball but we lost ... and our D coach sucks.... talk about that .. giving up 45 pts to Boston College SMH

— James (@jrg1015) October 15, 2017

All deserve to be fired! We just lost to BC

— Kevin Byrd (@KevinMatthew22) October 14, 2017

Man I woke up from a nap and we lost to Boston College. This is the worst week ever

— Heb (@andrewheeb) October 14, 2017

Just woke up from a nap and we lost to fucking Boston College

— Gage (@Outed_GG) October 14, 2017

Please stop saying "we may not even beat UK this year". We just lost to Boston College. We waive the right to look ahead.

— LJ tha Fiasco (@LJthaFiasc0) October 14, 2017

I’m drunk. Or hungover. We lost to Boston College. F life.

— Daniel Farish (@danielfarish) October 14, 2017

We gave up 45 to Boston College... BOSTON COLLEGE! They haven’t had 45 all season combined! #slightexaggeration

— Zach Owsley (@owsley614) October 14, 2017

lol we lost to Boston college

— Marcus (@Legitt_Bro) October 14, 2017

We lost to Boston college

— Terrance McCage™ (@Daboss_TM) October 14, 2017

Can’t believe we lost to Boston College...

— Tony Smyzer (@tonytony290) October 14, 2017

We gave up 45 to Boston College, tho. Bless our heart

— Brent Evers le (@SoleTrain247) October 14, 2017

Lol we lost to Boston College. This defense is bad

— KB (@KodieBrant) October 14, 2017

We lost to Boston college lmao

— Kevin Byrd (@KevinMatthew22) October 14, 2017

We lost to Boston College today lmfao

— Nick Hogan™ (@Nick_Hogan15) October 15, 2017

Lmao we lost to Boston college

— jordan wolford (@wolfyjordan) October 14, 2017

Wow we lost to Boston College.

— coryb06 (@coryb06) October 14, 2017

We just lost to Boston College. Fire everyone.

— JMAC (@diamondsofking) October 14, 2017

Lamar Jackson had 512 yards, 5 touchdowns. AND WE LOST AT HOME TO BOSTON COLLEGE @CoachSirmon resign now

— Lamar Jackson stan (@fakechandler_) October 14, 2017

We lost to Boston College. JESUS

— Tre (@Kvng_3T) October 14, 2017

U mean to tell me that we lost to Boston college?

— Earl (@tinsleyearl35) October 14, 2017

Dude, we lost to BC.

— Brick Bitino (@Mr_Wilson502) October 14, 2017

@CoachPetrinoUL We gave up 45 points to Boston College today coach

— Drew (@MasterDroo) October 14, 2017

Let’s look on the bright side.

We lost to BC and it's embarrassing as hell and coaches should probably be fired and all that but Dez's touchdown catch was nice.

— Jake Scott (@ScottAJake) October 14, 2017

[chloetcommathecreator-blog]

Nightmares in Hawaii

4/12/14

I had two nightmares in the loft in Hawaii. Both had to do with my mother. In the first, Allie and I were at her house and she acted normally and fake-kind until suddenly she snapped and was threatening me with a large hammer. Glass shattered and Julien was there too but there was a knock on the door and the police and my dad and step-mom entered to save us. My mother dropped on the floor and started crying hysterically, playing the victim, and I looked down at her and asked, “Are you serious?” Before I left. I felt relief knowing that I would not have to see her again.

I woke up and felt guilty.

In the second dream, my brother and I were at our grandparent’s house in France and my grandmother was taking my brother to his externship except I kept telling her that she was confusing the location for a place in a different country. I was in my bedroom that I always take when I stay there, and my grandmother brought the phone to me. My mother was on the other end and had only called to ask how much me and my brother weighed. I responded with a line something along, “Are you fucking kidding me?”. I don’t remember, but I definitely said ‘fuck’ and was enraged in the dream.

What I typed into the notes in my phone while waiting for my flight home at the airport in Hawai’i;

I am at the LIH airport in Kauai. I was woken at 6am to clear out the timeshare apartment and get breakfast. Their flight was at 10am. My flight is at 10pm. I went to the airport with them, then realizing that my flight was three hours later than I had thought--I don't read very carefully. Classic me mistake-- so I took a cab to Queens bath because I hadn't gotten to see it and wanted to swim in it. The cab ride one way was $100. It was too cold to swim. I wandered over the lava rocks until 4:30, when the cab picked me up. My luggage was hidden under the thick, dead leaves of a tree whilst I was on the rocks. I tried to read a Terry Pratchett book but couldn't get into it. It rained on and off and the wind was rough and I was so cold. And bored. I was also stressed out that the cab driver might not pick me up again and that I would miss my flight and my phone was about to die and I was trying not to think about the $200 I just blew on cab fare. Horseshit. I got to the airport at 5ish and had to wait until 7 in the open air airport until check in opened and I could get my boarding pass and get to my gate. I'm sitting in the far corner at gate 3 with my red flannel shirt drapes over my legs to keep me somewhat warm. My face is burnt from not wearing sunscreen today, thinking it would be fine because it was so overcast. I look like hell. I feel ugly. I feel ugly and so tired and lonely lonely lonely in a tiny airport by myself on an island so far from... Home. I should feel lucky I was able to go on such an amazing trip and be with my family and do some of my favorite things like snorkeling and seeing beautiful sea life. But I still cried every night into my pillow quietly so that Justine and Dexter in the bed next to mine on the loft wouldn't hear me. I don't feel like a part of my family and I don't know why because they're so good to me. I sat on the cliffs at Queens Bath today and watched the ocean bash into the rocks with a terrifying force and wished I could just jump down, crush my skull on the rocks below, and have my body smashed and torn to small bits on the rough black rocks... Disintegrate into the sea. Vacation is like life There is no difference. Distractions keep you happy.... Or just distracted. But you are still alone. I am still alone and miserable and struggling to wake up to go to the BEACH and having nightmares every night, once I'm able to fall asleep. I looked at myself in the airport bathroom and I feel ugly and alone and stressed. As usual, I have a headache. Even when I don't use technology every day, the headache persists. So there's another reason for it. My nails are bitten so far that it hurts. I peeled the skin off of the bottom of my right foot where a small callous had formed and picked at my toe nails until I had ripped a sliver off of each toe. I don't want to be here But I don't want to go home.

I want to curl into a ball of fur and roll away away warm warm warm.

I don't want to be here I don't want to be me

I am still in paradise and I still feel like shit. All of the time. I still want to die and It's so hard to hide my crying in public when the waves of misery hit.

I don't want to be anywhere I don't want to have any responsibility Nothing I can't think of anything that I want

Except to be warm Right now.

It doesn't get better for me I am getting so close to done that I can't and won't deal with anything. I wish I could disappear. I even wish I could marry some random rich fucker just so I could be left alone. I want to be yards under the glittering waves forever, floating through a silent blue life.

I want to rip my eyes out and get rid of the headache behind them I want to google how many hydrocodones it would take for my body to shut down. I want to see if my parents have that many.

I want to melt into this uncomfortable black seat that I've been sitting in for two hours and disappear into nothing. No one at this gate would notice a thing.

I want to dye my hair white and shave my head and feel beautiful.

I need a haircut.

I want to lay in my bed and watch Always Sunny in Philadelphia until my brain turns off.

I want to die. Mahalo.

My therapist asked my what getting better looked like to me. I have no idea. In some ways I don’t want to get better or maybe I can’t even fathom what better looks like. I believe that I am stuck in this body and mind and it will never get ‘better’. It may change, but there will always be the headache and the tears at those quiet times when I am crushed by an unfathomable loneliness. What is my worth?

I think about dying every single day.

I baked eclairs the other day and got an externship.

Am I better?

If I smile and laugh with friends and dress myself and go outside, my parents will think I’m better. That I have finally reached OK normal functioning girl in her twenties living out the best years of her life.

I need to move out so that I can deal with myself alone, without my parents there every day. I don’t want their help with this. I don’t want my life to be their life still.

I told my psychiatrist that on a scale of one to ten, I am at a three. Zero is when I truly truly want to be dead but won’t kill myself. Instead I’m immobile in bed, unshowered and in the same clothes for days at a time and take all the medicine available to sleep all of the time. Zero is when I am too depressed to cry. Or eat. Or maybe eat too much. One is when I am still unshowered and wearing the same clothes, but will get out of bed at least during the day. At One, I shift my sleep schedule so that I don’t have to interact with anyone, versus simply sleeping all the time. At One I am busy at night. One is where I feel a constant weight of dread in my stomach the entire time I am awake. I am still dependent on sleep medicine. Two is showering more than once every three days and changing my clothes. Even if I change from a white shirt and black leggings to another white shirt and black leggings. At two I will talk to people and not feel miserable in the presence of others. Two is making lists of things that I continuously put off. Three is where I function. I get dressed when I need to and am able to -- or care enough -- to make hair appointments or ask a friend in the area to hang out. Three is not following through with the friend and dreading their text message. Three is wondering what the point of going outside is. Nothing will happen. Nothing that matters will happen. Three is the frustration of having nothing to do, not being interesting in watching or reading anything. Bored. Four? Four is when I am distracted and busy with classwork that I like and have plans on the weekends to drink with friends. Four is holidays when I can dress up or when I am with a group of people with whom I am comfortable with. Four is not cancelling all my social plans because I can’t get out of bed or leave my room. Four is forgetting all the bad in my head and being the happy, bubbly, loud, crazy person that my friends know me to be. Four is having dinner conversations with my parents that matter and feeling like, for once, they are listening and able to understand me. Five is taking naps with Dan, where he is wrapped around me or softly stroking my arm or back and my eyes are closed and eventually we fall asleep and it is the middle of the day and the sun is still shining through the blinds. Five is being underwater so that all sounds of life are muffled to only a murmur and I float on the surface, calmly breathing through a tube and living in the world in water. Five is finally eating that food that I have been craving for. Six is being able to acknowledge my accomplishments. Six is the feeling after sex with Ari when he has come but is still in me and we just lay there and kiss. Six is going on a tough hike over difficult terrain and reaching the top of the mountain and looking across the landscape. Six is when Dan kisses me on the neck. Six is being so high that I am absolutely in tune with my body and sit on the floor in silence and do yoga -- stretching out each individual muscle and marveling at the movement of my body. Six is lying on the couch, high as fuck, and daydreaming. Six is being lost in a great book, unable to put it down. Six is admiring what I have built with my own hands. Six is driving in the car alone with the windows down on the highway and singing at the top of my lungs to a good song. Six is crawling into my bed, exhausted, and immediately falling asleep. Six is taking a nap in the sunlight. Seven is???

4/19

Tom and Aunt Steph & crew are here for Easter, staying over while they look for colleges with Hannah. She looks beautiful. A lot changes in two years, she seems ten years older.

I’m sleeping in the basement so I can do my own thing and be alone. Yesterday I got back from visiting Dan in Beantown… If every day felt like today, I would never leave him. I got into my bed after a dragging seven or eight hour drive and the loneliness was like a phantom limb. I wanted his arms around me in the dark, under the sheets. I wanted to share my bed and have him wrap around me first thing when he wakes up. I want to have sex with him so badly. But the frustration I had before I saw him was much worse and different. Before, I wanted to get off with someone so badly that the want and the can’t manifested itself in stirring anger in me. I want to stop watching porn though. I want to get off in my own world.

I don’t know how long Dan and I have been sleeping together but it has been a few months. At least six? Maybe it started in August? I don’t remember. But that seems to be the amount of time it takes to become comfortable sexually with one another. I would still say we are at the midpoint communication-wise, but other than that, we generally have figured each other’s bodies out.

I think that it is true that you can fall in love with anyone if you get to know their true self and accept that. Or even just glimpses into their life and why they are the way that they are. I would say that I am now over Ari and obsessed with Dan. Obsessed is a strong word, but sometimes that’s how it feels as I look through pictures of him… Pull up the picture I took of his feet with holes in his socks exposing his whole heel.

His parents brought up his fat period in high school the night we had dinner together. Was that a test? I don’t care honestly. Dan still isn’t fit. He has a small belly and every part of him I can wrap my arms around is soft. He wears the same clothes for years and buys most of his wardrobe at the thrift store and most of his clothes are really too small, which makes me crazy. He doesn’t go out of his way to spend money on things. I don’t get to complain, though, because I don’t want him to spend money on me. I want us to be on an even keel. What is that quote by the french woman banging Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction? ‘What is pleasing to the eyes is not the same as what is pleasing to the touch’ or something like that. Dan’s body is pleasing to the touch. I like the soft smoothness of his back and the hairiness of his arms. Soft soft everywhere like I could sink into him. I like the feel of his beard and the feel of his stubble.

I think you can fall in love with anyone. It is so hard to go back to being so alone.

But I don’t want to be his girlfriend. I don’t want to stress about the silences and the palpable pressure of the things we don’t say- and the things we know the other won’t say.

We are similar. Quiet thinkers, depressed stoners. I want someone who will drag me onto my feet and out of the house. I want someone who will feel comfortable talking and talking and just starting conversation. Someone who naturally wants to have conversations.

I don’t want to change Dan but I know that we will find people opposite to us that are a better fit.

I will not be Dan’s girlfriend because I don’t trust him because I don’t know what he is thinking. I will not be Dan’s girlfriend because of the time David called him and asked him to be his girlfriend and sent dirty texts and Dan went along with it. Left the room to take one of David’s calls. I will not be Dan’s girlfriend because I feel like he would be open to sleeping with guys while with me. I feel like he would be like one of Isaac’s straight boys who he drinks with and has sex with but who has a girlfriend and the girl never finds out. I can’t handle that… I will not be Dan’s girlfriend because kissing him involves too much thinking and I can’t overlook his ‘flaws’. Not flaws, but who he is that doesn’t align with what I am innately attracted and drawn to. I kind of hate the nasally sound of his voice. But I love the way he looks when he smiles real wide and looks away. He has a deflated-looking ass. I don’t think it’s cute when he sings in a weird voice. Sometimes I feel like we haven’t known each other long enough to already have so much silence between us. Or that’s just the way we are together naturally and it would be fine if I didn’t mind the silence but I do, even though half the blame is mine. I wish his dick was just a bit bigger, which totally isn’t fair of me. But I wish. And I wish that he would grab my breasts more aggressively and put his whole tongue in my mouth. I like having sex with him a lot, though. The best part of sex for me is when he first slides into me and I’m not so wet that there isn’t any friction. Skin on skin and it feels warm everywhere. I like having sex with him in the pitch dark and sucking his dick without being able to see anything. Just feel. I like the way it feels when he comes on me and it is warm and slick. I love that he will have sex with me when I’m on my period and that he cares whether or not I enjoy it. I don’t like that he doesn’t buy condoms that fit. I don’t like myself for letting him not use a condom, but when he is slightly in me and I just want to pull him closer, my sense of reason goes to shit.  I like that he accepts me for who I am and seems to understand my depression. Mostly. As if anyone could completely understand. But he knows somewhat. I like his arms around me and napping next to him, warped together while the sun is still up. I like him. BUT

I feel lonely and alone and unloved, ugly in so many ways. I feel awkward and anxious and tired and restless and miserable unclean immature greasy dirty full unfriendly untalented and shitty. I always feel shitty. I feel shitty when Dan tells me he is happy that I came eight hours to stay with him in his parents house. I feel shitty when I wear my glasses or when my hair is down. Or up. I feel like my front teeth are starting to jut out and are too big. I feel like my pores are gaping and noticeable as well as the acne scars on my nose that won’t go away. I feel like I don’t have enough money. I feel rude and introverted in the worst way and deeply miserable. I don’t know how to fix that. The moments I like best are only best in hindsight. My nails look yellow. I have a little more pubic hair than I want. I want to take pictures. but I don’t want to spend my life only seeing the world through a lens. I want to tear down the sky and repaint it so that the colors can entertain me on long drives alone. I want to be able to go as fast as I want on the highway. I want to be able to kill myself. I want to care about things and people. I want a lobotomy. And liposuction. And laser hair removal on my armpits and legs and upper lip and pubic area. I want to dye my hair white. I don’t want my roots to show. I want my teeth professionally cleaned every week. I want to be able to drink like I used to. I want access to harder drugs. I want my own apartment and my own dog and plants and garden. I want to cry most of the time. Most of the time, I want to be alone. I want to go to Vegas and win millions of dollars and never go back. I want to be in a relationship and not feel that sick feeling of dread that there is nothing between the two of you and you are trapped in a mistake. I want to have things to do and live in a place with warm weather but where people aren’t crazy cunts. I want to live in a place where people don’t honk incessantly at each other and have just a shred of respect and patience for other people on the road. I want to do so many things but I don’t want to do anything and I don’t want to get up. I want to travel through time and see the Earth half a million years from now. I want to live alone in the wilderness. I want my sister to get rid of eighty percent of the things she owns. I want my parents to stop buying unnecessary shit. I want to buy unnecessary shit. I want my bangs to look nice in the morning and not always be uncomfortable trying to make my hair look fine.

4/21

I live between worlds. The world on a suburban neighborhood within a maze of similar-looking streets The house my mother bought because it was within walking distance of Wooton High School. The house that never felt like home Where there is no escape except out the front door, running And the garden is beautiful and multitudes of birds surround the feeder And a young orange tree with cherry-sized fruits sits in the sunlight of the kitchen. The world where I look at where I come from and feel sick. Skinny, healthy, surgically enhanced people spewing venom and trying to tame raging storms. Where Maggie is a bad dog because she watches the birds and barks too much Where any flaw is a weakness to be picked apart and spread out on the sparkling granite islands while the TV plays a romantic comedy on mute. But don’t take it personally. That one crooked tooth and the glint in her eyes when she casually drops stinging insults The jokes she makes that are so thinly veiled they make me wince The constant commentary throughout television shows and commercials That make you wonder if anything is good in this world.

I went to Easter dinner at my mother’s house While my brother stayed at my father’s house, having told her that he was too busy to go. I resent him for it. I resented him when I came back home and he was still on the couch watching ice hockey While I had to suffer each crashing wave alone while trying to keep my feet on the ground.

I live in the world between worlds when there is no one around but me and the misery drains all the energy and positivity out of me Where I am stuck spinning like a top through the murky haze in my mind, Watching flickering screens until my body aches and my head throbs and I can finally fall asleep

I live in the world on Mass Ave where the cars peel by, horns blaring The attic and basement are filled with enough toys to entertain several schools of children For one little girl And we stay in our corners, in our own little unmolested worlds Unless it is dinner time and we all emerge.

I watched Wolf of Wall Street tonight. I watched as the wife said ‘No’ ‘no’ no and the husband fucked her anyway

I feel sick and tired and alone. It is six thirty AM now and I should sleep but I don’t care. I peeled off the nail of my right pinky toe last night as we sat on the couch on our phones as the ice hockey game played on the enormous television. I didn’t realize how much had peeled off until I clipped the rough edges later..

My meringue pies didn’t set. They ran like soup. I feel useless and stupid and pathetic and embarassed. I feel wasted

I took two naps in the basement after all the eggs had been found and the kids were outside. One nap before lunch and one thirty minute nap before I drove to my mother’s.

I hate my hair I look so ugly and strange without make up

I am still tired. I am always tired.

I feel like a dumb, quiet female around others. I watch as girls sit silent in groups of people and the boys drink their beer and tell stories about their adventures. I want to cry and eat everything I crave until it hurts and I don’t crave it anymore. I want to tell someone how badly I feel and have them understand. I don’t want them to understand, though, because I don’t want them to feel that badly.

I want to fall into a hole in the earth and sink into the silt and shit and fossils I don’t want to go back to New York I don’t want to stage or live in that apartment or be in that town or always be so alone and alone and alone I want to sleep and stay in my mixed up dreams

I want to lock myself in a tall tower with no doors and shave off all of my hair I want to quit taking up space and writing such stupid shit all of the time and one day later I still need to get my shit out of the dryer

4/23 An Honest Obituary

Chloe was born January 2nd, 1993 in Portland, Oregon. She was an older sister to Julien and Katie Nguyen. She was a daughter to Tung, Monika, Dominique, and Chris. Chloe was talented, artistic, thoughtful, empathetic. With her friends she was lively, engaging and full of laughter. She was also quiet, nihilistic, perpetually exhausted, insecure, guarded, awkward, antisocial and dealing with major depression, which eventually drained her of any excitement or will to live. She was selfish. She was twenty-one. She made beautiful things and was capable of creating much more, but she was an artist, not an engineer, and never made anything useful. She put forth no effort and made it through three semesters of college and experimented with culinary school. She was described as ‘exotic’. When she laughed, you could see the uneven dimples on her cheeks. She lived in her dreamworld. Death can’t be too different from sleep. If there is a heaven, she won’t be there. Maybe she wouldn’t want to be. In a universe where there is reincarnation, she would come back as a sloth, mole… sea turtle. Maybe even a bird. Life is short. Hers was shorter than most. But it goes on.

I spent the night watching movies and crying. I looked over the packet my therapist gave me and then took an online depression test. It seems like my main problem is worrying about the judgement of others and my daily stress level is above a 5 almost always if I have to leave the house, even for a walk with the dog or getting food through a drive thru.

Get associate’s degree Move somewhere warm Night classes for photography Plant a garden Live in Vegas for a while

4/25/13

A day in the life:

The day after I drove down to see Dan, a Monday, I spent the day alone because he wasn’t able to get work off. I went to the BC library to try and do a transcription on one of their computers because I had forgotten my laptop charger in my room at home and doubted the battery would last the five or more hours it would take to transcribe something. It took me over a dozen u-turns and ventures down random side streets to find the parking garage and I had to wait at the top level, while the rain let up, until someone left and I could take their spot. I checked the campus map to find the library; roundabout, stairs, stairs. It seemed obvious that I did not go here. Girls in their timberlands. I missed that. I sat at a four person computer station in the library diagonal to some girl. I tried to plug my phone in to charge it but there were no outlets on the computer so I plugged it into the socket on the floor. As soon as I did, the girl across from me told me that I had shut off her computer. I hadn’t turned off the extended outlet or unplugged anything so I was confused and felt bad. I asked her if she had lost any work and she said, “Not really”, in a drawn out, frustrated way that you talk to kids when they’ve done something wrong. I apologized and tried to log on to my computer but it required a BC username and passcode, which I did not have. Three minutes after sitting down and wreaking havoc, I left, apologized again to the girl, and asked the front desk where the guest computers were. I had to wait for one to open up and sat at a long table for two minutes as two BC girls eyed me. I don’t belong I don’t belong. I felt stupid pulling out my soundproof headphones and putting them on and the keyboard was incredibly loud. If I were to do a transcription, it would drive everyone in this quiet library crazy. I instead tried to take an online qualification test but the server would not take me to the site. The site was new, or being updated, and still had some issues, I think. Not having gotten much done but having passed an hour or two, I decided to leave. I wouldn’t have to pay as much for parking either. I went back the way I thought that I had come but nothing seemed familiar. It started to rain and I was wearing an already somewhat seethrough white shirt so I stopped under an awning and pulled another shirt over it. Luckily, everything I had brought was in my backpack. As usual, I packed terribly for the weather, having left MD when it was 84 degrees out and expecting the same in Boston. But the temperature in Beantown was half that. I ended up at a parking garage that seemed taller than I remembered. The parking machine wouldn’t accept my ticket. I put my iced coffee on top of the ticket machine and forgot it there and took the elevator up to the fifth floor, but here the fifth floor was not the top. Finally at this point I figured out that I was at the wrong parking garage and took the elevator back down, hoping I wouldn’t run into anyone I had just been in the elevator with. I got so lost that I ended up walking on the outskirts of campus, past a graveyard, under a steady light rain. It probably took me forty minutes to get to my car. Truly, I amaze myself. My gladiators were soaked and uncomfortably slippery against my feet and I was so happy to get back to my car. I paid the nine dollar parking fee and then found as I exited that the machine wouldn’t accept tickets and would lift if you pressed the button for help. At this point I was hungry, so I crept through traffic in a heavy construction area to get to Five Guys. I put enough in the meter for two minutes and went in to order. In the bathroom, I saw that my eye makeup had run and there were black smudges under my eyes. I looked a little crazy. I got my food, at some fries while I sat in the warmth, then went out to my car to find a $25 parking ticket because the meter had run out. Amazing. I went to the Newton Library and stayed there until it closed at 9 and Dan was out of work. I did a seven dollar transcription in several hours and then tried to read Fire in the Lake but it is like reading a two hundred page essay and I had to continuously reread after my mind wandered.

I’m annoyed because I haven’t gotten my period yet and I always get stressed that I am pregnant when it’s late, even if I haven’t been having sex.

I took Sasha for a walk today and she pulled me to Little Falls Parkway, where I puked twice because I had just eaten two burger patties and drank too much water. It hurt. I probably threw up my pills too. I let Sasha off of the leash twice and both times she was very difficult to get back on the leash. But I didn’t want to deal with her dragging me through the woods and around trees at a sprint. I brought a cheese stick with me but she wasn’t at all interested- she was too busy harassing the wildlife. It was a short walk but felt much too long. As per usual, I got lost on the way home and guessed my way up steep streets until I ended up at the church across from my house.

Tomorrow I drive down to NY and Sunday I have a stage at Dani’s restaurant. I’m so done.