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johannestevans · 8 months

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oh patron saint of boy sluts, how do you know if a guy is a chaser? I recently downloaded grindr and I really don't know where in a conversation that mostly consists of "hey what's up" "what are you looking for?" "want to hook up rn?" I would like ask a question to find out (what question even) or find out otherwise unless they say something about how they are only into afab people with a front hole/ trans men or something lol. Like if I'd ask if they're a chaser and or if they like cis dick as well they would probably lie if they are a chaser? Maybe I just hook up too quickly and I should talk more and longer to find out but uh do I want to keep talking? Not really. I suppose maybe it doesn't matter whether he's straight or not since I'm just gonna get fucked and never see him again but i don't really want to fuck a straight guy/chaser

Nah, it absolutely does matter.

If a straight man sees you as a woman, he's more likely to have a blasé approach to whether you consent to sex, let alone whether you enjoy yourself, and that's not something you need to deal with or open yourself up to - there's no need to deal with creeps who want to misgender you or only see trans people as fetish objects.

I personally think chasers are creeps, and I don't fuck self-identified straight guys or closeted bi guys who don't hang out with other queer men, have a lot of internalised homophobia, and are attached to the straight label, just because like... You have to unpack a lot of stuff and be quite vulnerable to embrace your attraction to other men, and that vulnerability is important when realising not only your own sexual desires but the needs and wants of other people.

When someone is like "Oh, I'm not queer, I'm just into transgender people," it's often from a place of objectifying us and seeing us as fetish objects as well as insecurity about their own desires, and when someone lowkey sees you as an object and is reducing you just to your fetish appeal, there's no reason you should trust them to treat you well or safely. This applies not just to being trans, but also from a racial POV, as a disabled person, etc.

Completely fine to engage in this sort of fetish play with a trusted partner if that's your thing, but if chasers give you the ick, it's a completely normal and understandable one to have.

This is from my Grindr guide for trans men, the section on chasers at the end:

How do I deal with chasers?

Some people fuck chasers — I definitely think there’s degrees to how much someone is weird or uncomfortable. Some people are fine with being someone’s fetish or someone specifically getting off on them being a man with a cunt or whatever.

How do you know if someone’s a chaser?

I’ll be honest, if I see a cisgender man and he’s found my profile via the ftm or trans tag — which you can tell when he messages you — I put him in the chaser box and normally just block. If a cisgender man’s profile says he’s “into Trans and femboys” or something similar, I normally just block. If a guy says he’s into “smooth” — which means hairless — I normally block, because I’m hairy as fuck, and he’s only assuming I wouldn’t be because I’m transgender.

A lot of people aren’t being intentionally weird or unkind when they have this shit in their profile, or even when they ask stupid questions — a lot of cis people are just ignorant as fuck, and don’t know shit about trans people.

You will have people who think you’re a trans woman, because they think “transgender” = trans women exclusively.

But some people who are chasers just act weird as Hell — they might feel entitled to touch your body or think about it in a certain way, you might be an “experiment” in a way that feels uncomfortable for you, they might want to ignore certain boundaries (eg, not wanting your chest touched, not wanting your front hole penetrated), etc.

One of the tricks that I use to see if a cis man is gonna be a freak is I just correct him on a bit of language. I personally am pretty indiscriminate about the language I use for my body parts, but I might correct him on a small thing — if he calls it a “clit”, I might say “I prefer cock, actually”; if he says “Pussy”, I might say, “call it a cunt, please”.

If he has a tantrum about it or generally acts like a bellend, that is a sign he’s probably going to be worse about other boundaries I set.

#musings #anonymous

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takoto · 1 year

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just ventin, just need to pour this out of my brain.

content warning, cancer discussion

yeah. it's not looking good.

my granddad who has always been pretty important in my life has been diagnosed with brain cancer. we thought he'd had a stroke. he'd started to have trouble with words and physical actions almost overnight according to my nan and my mum. but the doctors are almost certain it's brain cancer, and he's been getting worse every few days. the doctors are now at the stage where they're trying to work out how many tumours there are, and whether it's primary or secondary, etc.

i'm seeing him on saturday. every phone call I have with my mum she keeps saying "he isn't himself, anymore" and it's... honestly i imagine going to be one of the worst days of my life. i spoke to him briefly on the phone and he sounded about 20 years older, kept thinking i was my brother, and would just say words in random orders without any throughline. he's also been mixing up everyones names and pronouns (eg calling my mum a he, calling my brother a she) which leads me to...

ough my brain keeps insisting everything i say and do at the moment that isn't just Feel Bad is embarrassing and cringe or annoying and weird

and I know it's just my brain is really bad because of [life stuff going on] but it's such a knock every time i start to feel enthusiastic or talk about something in a positive/fun/etc way as soon as the conversation is over all my brain can feel is like. shame and embarrassment and "stop being a fucking weirdo" even on really minor shit

which i'm rationally aware is extremely detrimental because talking to people about fun stuff is really helping to take my mind off of [life stuff]

my family are apprehensive about me seeing him because they're worried he's going to forget who i am, and that he might misgender me and deadname me. but like. i don't care if he does, his brain isn't working and he's been one of the supportive family members my whole life and transition, so i know he wouldn't be doing it on purpose. his brain is just completely scrambled especially with language.

i'm honestly more worried that he's not going to know who i am. i don't know how likely that is, but we'll see.

my brain is kind of double-hitting me at the moment because this is just... almost all i can think about. but then like, if i do manage to think about something nice or fun and talk about it or get into a conversation i have motivation for and get happy, as soon as the conversation ends my brain is like "you're embarrassing" "you're a weirdo" etc. and like. i genuinely cannot tell if i'm being embarrassing or weird or whatever because atm I can't do the autistic masking thing. at all. my brain shuts off if i'm reading or talking to someone about something i'm not 110% interested in, but as soon as a topic i'm mega interested in comes up i just can't stop myself and i keep going and keep going back to the subject and yeah. yeah sometimes i do that anyway.

but i usually don't leave the conversation with my brain yelling at me and berating me.

so i've just been kind of. slipping back into maladaptive daydream mode. it's been years and i know it's not healthy in the long run but at the moment it's all i can do.

#pouring some gripe water #text

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izzyliker · 3 years

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hey - this is one of the mods of the bi jon project. we don't actually dislike or disagree with pan jon at all, we just want to make a project focused on and celebrating bisexuality. our carrd is a bit rambling, but frankly we were trying our best/overcompensating to try and make sure people didn't misunderstand us and do - well, this. our intentions are good, and it's really kind of disenheartening to see all the hate we've gotten for what was meant to be a positive project. (1)

you're under no obligation to answer these, but i saw some of your posts in the tag and felt like reaching out because you did give us even the tiniest bit of slack in good faith. honestly, if you have any advice about what in our carrd is so overwhelmingly bad, we'd be happy to hear it. we've been trying to respond to the overwhelming amount of criticism we've got in a positive way, and take peoples' suggestions. (2)

as for why 'no anti-antis' was at the bottom of our rules list, it's legitimately bc we were trying so hard to be preventative about this negativity that we forgot to add it when we first posted the blog, and just remembered later. again, you're under no obligation to answer these, i just feel like no one's really actually letting us defend ourselves/are taking things in as bad faith a way as possible. (3)

im not exactly sure how the posts showed up in the tag bc ive been very purposefully not tagging them, also ive blocked all of you back (not sure why you blocked me if you actually want feedback, so it seems more like you just want free positive pr and not actual feedback) so its unlikely youll see whatever it is that i reply to this but whatever.

the issues have all been repeatedly brought up to you so i dont really see how me repeating all of them once again could help. when i last looked at the cardd the things that stood out immediately included.

pitting ace & bi identities and people against each other REPEATEDLY,

starting off with a guilt trippy tone and maintaining it throughout (in my experience this is the #1 best way to receive backlash because people do not want to participate in events where you feel like youre being guilted into it, which going into scrutinizing detail over there not being enough content and passing judgement onto authors or artists over it is something that comes across as guilt trippy.),

repeatedly equating asexuality with sex repulsion (not to get into the misleading information about modteam aspec identity breakdowns, since you claimed that 3/4 of the team are aspec, which is technically correct, but what you didnt say was that only one is acespec. surely you know that [allosexual] aro and [alloromantic] ace are not interchangeable) and calling using biromantic over bisexual a “misunderstanding” of the identity as if how to define romantic vs sexual attraction (how to divide, if or if not to divide, use interchangeably different labels) isnt a deeply personal choice ace people who experience romantic attraction make,

claiming that bisexual jon is canon (he isn’t. this is why people are suspicious of anti-other mspec identities sentiments. which theyre right, if youll be so kind as to stick around til the last paragraph) and repeatedly implying that the reason there isnt “enough” content centering bi jon because the aces are simply unable to not fixate on his asexuality (again, pitting identities against each other),

making the banned ship list way needlessly confusing and including ships that dont even include jon to it, which simply comes across as some kind of a list of bad ships, idk. a way to bypass this would simply be to say “we are looking for portrayals of healthy relationships!” and that couldve just been it. if you felt that that wouldnt exclude specific ships (eg. jondaisy that a lot of people write as a relationship between trauma survivors who have done very bad things trying to get better and learning to trust each other) it is possible to simply say “the modteam is squicked[/triggered] by ships with daisy/elias/peter and we’d like to read all of the works submitted so we’re asking not to receive submissions with those ships.” hating ships is literally completely normal but making rules hard to parse is going to attract questions, especially when the implication is that ships are excluded on the grounds of morality, and a blatant power difference ship (jonelias) is equated with jondaisy, which is from what ive seen almost exclusively shown to be a relationship between equals. that makes people EXTREMELY confused about where the line is. thats why youre getting so many questions about this.

in general the carrd was spotty, guilt trippy, and needlessly moralizing where it definitely did not need to be. the key to getting people to engage without getting backlash is to make the event seem fun. when your carrd is filled with stuff about unrelated negative stuff people are not going to think it’s a fun event at all.

and none of this even gets into the fact that at least one of the mods has a history of open hostility against pan people. i heard through the grapevine that he has since made a fauxpology about it, but frankly it already shone through in the language used in the event descriptions. its extremely hard to take any of this is good faith when it is easy to see that one of the organizers is quite fucking clear about thinking pansexuality is biphobic and the carrd is or at least used to be full of anti-pan (and other mspec identity) dogwhistles, and is notorious in some of the tma fic author circles for being extremely fucking nasty about trans men writing fic he doesn’t like to the point of pretending that we’re all cis people (in case youre not keeping track that is misgendering us by implication) because he doesn’t like it. i think some of you (or maybe all of you? idk) in general could stand to examine whether your engagements and participations in the fandom have been at all about having fun or adding positivity to anything, or simply making posts about what other people are doing wrong. it seems that every post i see from anyone in this group is guilt trippy and authoritative, and sadly this translated directly into the event.

when youre, say, a trans man whose first touch to one of the mods was a post about how fic where trans men have piv sex with cis men is hurting him personally and making it a moral issue and not a matter of a simple preference to the point where he feels comfortable making claims about the trans men (and transmasc nonbinary people) writing fic about trans characters re: their gender or whether theyre fetishizing trans men, your willingness to engage in good faith with an event hosted by him that features numerous red flags is not going to be unconditional.

im sorry to hear that it has been bad for your mental health, and idk whats fucking going on with this event anymore, but my good faith interpretations have diminished significantly since i saw the shit tmc specifically has been saying about pansexual people and pansexuality as an identity label. i have no clue where the rest of you stand but tmc has repeatedly, consistently shown himself to be unable to act in good faith towards anyone other than people who agree with him.

#disk horse #long post #Anonymous

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immortal-fire-0-0 · 3 years

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Gorillaz with a trans masc s/o

Note: we ain’t including no queer headcannons here other than “attracted to guys”

Cw: dysphoria triggers, menstruation

2D:

Boi is so supportive

Constantly giving you masc/trans specific compliments, like “wow, y/n, your chest is so flat” or “wow you look so handsome today!”

Constantly compares dysphoria triggers to himself. Eg if you have voice dysphoria, he’d probably say “wow y/n! Your voice is deeper than mine!”

If you dated him pre transition, he’d probably keep forgetting your name and accidently dead name you and feel really bad “hey, d/n- I MEAN Y/N SORRY”

When boy learnt you bind, he’d do research, and would be constantly reminding you take breaks

Always pointing at transport trucks (or words with the prefix trans) or anything blue, pink and white and saying “hey look it’s you!”

Gives you his old clothes because then you don’t have to deal with changing rooms and Karen’s yelling at you at target

Murdoc:

When you first told him you were trans he was probably a bit out of it, and you probably chose that moment because we all know murdoc can be a dick.

If he wasn’t, or you kinda reminded him later, than he’d just stand there like “ok...and?”

He gives off the energy of “would deadname you if you were annoying him” and “would only ever dead name you twice accidently, not including pre transition” at the same time. Probably depends what phase your dating him in.

Would be a bit of a dick about dumb dysphoria triggers, especially if you have like posture/walking dysphoria, but in a way that would try to help

Eg “what’d’ya mean ‘I walk like a girl’ you walk exactly the same as every other person. How d’ya even walk like a girl?”

Is fuming whenever someone missgenders you. Someone has probably had to physically restrain him once or twice

Noodle

Probably teaches you some Japanese, but definitely teaches you masc specific terms (such as “ぼくは___です” instead of nutrual “私は___です”)

Girl is chill, and can tell when your unconfortable.

Buys sanitary products for you during shark week so you don’t have to worry about people questioning why I guy is buying stuff for women.

Usually uses gender neutral language for you, unless specifically asked not to

Has learnt trans culture and memes. Will make jokes with you about trans stuff, even though some of them don’t apply to her

“When the voice dysphoria hits when you need to talk” “noodle you don’t have dysphoria”

Russel:

Is very chill

Corrects people calmly if he knows it’s a simple mistake.

Gets frustrated when it’s clearly deliberate

Tells you to take breaks, but dosnt force you to if you argues

Researchs food that naturally raises hormones, and uses more T boosting food and less E boosting food in his cooking

Learns your dysphoria triggers as soon as he can and does his best to avoid talking about them or makes it harder for you to experience those triggers

Ace

Dosnt understnad what trans means at first. Once it’s explain to him, he’s cool with it

“Aye yo man thas cool. Anyway, let me get back to telling you the lore of (insert game/movie/tv series)”

He’s just happy to have someone who loves him.

One day your getting misgendered in public by someone from school when you were pre transition. When you come over to ace, he pulls out his switch blade, looks you in the eye, and says “aye man, if he’s making you uncomfortable send him my way”

Just very calm about it

Note about my colour choises for their names: it’s a mixture of their song machine radio thumbnails and the colour I associate with them

2D: SMR: pink MA: blue

Murdoc: SMR: blue MA: green

Noodle: SMR: green MA: pink/orange

Russel: SMR: yellow MA: yellow

Ace: SMR: n/a MA: green

#gorillaz #trans #headcannons #imagine #gorillaz imagines #gorillaz headcanons #trans masc

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hauntedarbys · 2 years

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Hi hello feel absolutely free not to answer (bc you’re not google and all) but …what’s a ftm “chaser”? Do I gotta watch my ass when I start dating again after my transition??

hey! it's chill, i don't mind answering stuff like this at all. i DO have a migraine, though, so like. apologies if this is a bit incoherent.

a chaser is someone who views trans people as fetish objects, and actively seeks us out sexually for the purpose of fulfilling their "kink." it's gross and dehumanizing, and unfortunately a LOT of trans people (myself included) have had to deal with them.

(they're also frequently abusive--people who have dated chasers report that they tend to prey on your insecurities to keep you with them, telling you that "nobody else will want you" because you're trans.)

so, yes, you do need to be careful when you start dating. i don't want to scare you, because there are plenty of lovely people out there who will respect and appreciate you! but as trans people, we're sometimes vulnerable to threats that others aren't.

i'm by no means an expert, but i have compiled two lists for you--one for how to avoid chasers, and one for ways to spot ways. other trans people are welcome to add onto either.

so!

how to keep from ending up with a chaser:

if you're dating online, don't put medical information about your transition on your profile, ESPECIALLY operation status. you can discuss that with potential partners individually.

don't be self-loathing with potential partners. abusers of all sorts will take advantage of your insecurities, and chasers in particular will prey on trans people with poor self-esteem.

do NOT put up with misgendering or transphobia from partners. you are better than that. you deserve better than that.

insist on a public first date. this isn't necessarily about staying away from chasers, it's just a good safety practice.

warning signs that a cis person might be a chaser:

on online profiles, they say they're "into" or an "admirer" of trans people.

they use "ftm" or "mtf" as nouns.

they use terminology like "tgirl," "tboy," "dickgirl," "cuntboy," "bonus hole boy," etc.

they refer to trans women as "femboys."

they use slurs like "sh*male," "trap," and "tr*nny," even to your face.

they might refer to us with outdated language like "transsexual" or even "transvestite."

they're overly concerned with the details of your transition, asking invasive questions about your genitals. (while someone you're actually planning on having sex with will probably need to know what you're packing, asking about your anatomy right away is inappropriate and gross.)

they make a big deal out of how much they Love and Admire trans people.

they go out of their way to mention that they've dated trans people before--like, bringing it up in contexts where it's really weird and unnecessary.

their compliments will be odd, fetishizing, and/or transphobic.

in particular, they might tell you that you "pass well."

they don't want to be seen with you in public.

they see you as "really" being your assigned sex.

(if you're binary) they see you as being "in between" male and female.

they misgender you or use your transness to degrade you.

they act like it's unusual for someone of their orientation to be attracted to you--eg. a heterosexual woman saying, "i'm straight, but you're really hot" to a trans man.

they have a "detransition" kink.

(a couple of these can also indicate someone is generically transphobic, but tbh you don't want to date them either.)

i know i tend to be pretty longwinded, but hopefully this is helpful.

stay safe, and i hope you find someone great when you start dating again!

#shut me up #slurs tw #transphobia tw #abuse tw

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ms-hells-bells · 4 years

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Hi! I sent in an anon a couple days ago about how I felt guilty for caving and sharing my pronouns with a uni group. Thanks for the advice! My mentor actually sent out a survey yesterday that we had to fill out and the pronoun category was required otherwise we couldn’t submit it. I typed in ‘I don’t believe that sharing pronouns should be mandatory’ so we’ll see what she says when I have my one on one meeting with her in two weeks 😬

good on you! if you feel like there will be serious repercussion to your education, don’t go the gencrit route, but people are more understanding one on one, so perhaps you could gently push at her that you feel uncomfortable with stating pronouns because you base yours on your sex and it feels invalidating to your womanhood to have to state them like that. try and use their language, with saying things like “everyone’s basis of identity might be different but i personally base mine on my sex”. and make it clear that you are trusting them in respecting your views and keeping it quiet from other students (eg: “i’m very nervous to say this, i’m hoping you can respect me and what i tell you in confidence, i’m telling you because i trust you”), this puts pressure on them to actually follow the rules as an educator.

if you don’t feel comfortable doing the above, then just say “asking pronouns and making them mandatory either outs people before they’re ready or forces them to repeatedly misgender themselves” lol. using their exact logic. you can even say “a lot of trans and gender diverse people say this” to get her to shut tha shit down QUICK. of course, it’s going along with it, which isn’t great, but sometimes you have to exploit the system as it is in order to ‘win’.

i have actually been in a similar position where in university, on my social geography paper we had a section and a workshop relating to “gender and identities”. i straight up emailed my prof and said “i will not be attending the lectures related o this topic, the workshop, or doing the test based on it due to my political and moral disagreements with the subject. i am a radical feminist and i’d rather take the loss of points for the paper”.

she emailed me back saying “i’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me this! it’s always great to have people with varying opinions within our classes. i have no problem with your decision and look forward to having you back in class, sharing your opinions from your point of view”. so, best possible outcome lol.....well, the end of paper exam still had “define agender” shit in it and i failed those questions because i wrote stuff like “nonsense identities because gender isn’t real” haha.

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spokenmind93 · 5 years

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Lily just published her list of criteria that put someone on her banlist. The fact she qualifies for like half a dozen of those things herself doesn't seem to occur to her, or any of her fans, of course. is/m4IdS

Lemme see... I’ll just underline everything that Lily is also guilty of. Bear with me, this is a long list xD

Abuser -

Is known to be guilty of some form of abuse

(I mean, just look at Brittany, Patch, Lizzy...)

Antifeminist -

Expresses any of the following

Denial of the wage cap

“Traditional Values” regarding gender.

Denial of rape culture

Denial of the damage rape does

Complaining about “Feminists”

Complaining about “Third Wave Feminists”

(Complains about Lindsay Ellis a LOT)

Bestiality -

Is known to be guilty of sexualizing animals

(Let’s share that google drive again, shall we https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1UfoTkoI2AE6xaiGMSI6nil11NQWCMevI)

Child Pornography -

Produces material that sexualizes children.

(Maybe not children, but there was a lot of teen fucking in Stockholm and all other stories you wrote)

Con Artist -

Sells scam products.

Conspiracy Theorist -

Known to push conspiracy theories.

(“Kiwifarms is trying to dox me!” “Lizzy is trying to swat me!” “These people are trying to make me kill myself!”)

Homophobia -

Category of Bigotry. Expresses any of the following, regardless of one’s own sexuality.

Opposition to same sex marriage

Opposition to gay adoption

Opposition to LGBT Discrimination bills

Support of “religious belief exceptions” for harassment, abuse and bigotry

Supports Conversion Therapy

Use of anti-gay slurs

Using children as an excuse for one’s own homophobia.

Biphobia is under this umbrella.

Internalized Homophobia

Nazi -

Fits any of the following criteria

Pro-Fascist beliefs

Hardline anti-immigration

Romanticizing “western culture”

White genocide paranoia

Advocating genocide and/or mass incarceration of minorities.

Talk about the “JQ”

Using “14 Words” rhetoric.

Holocaust Denial

Advocating a “White ethnostate”

Self identifies as nazi dogwhistles like “white nationalist” “nationalist” “alt-right” “Identitarian” “classical liberal” or “Real America”

Complaining about “Antifa”

Is a member of pro-nazi or nazi-adjacent political parties (GOP, UKIP, People’s Party of Canada)

Is a member of Nazi hate sites

(Would looooooooooove to see all “haters and Republicans” die. That’s mass genocide, darling. Not to forget your lovely Valkyr stories where you obliterated planet Earth cuz they disagreed with Ryder)

Nazi Apologist -

Any of the following, regardless of intent or personal identities.

Portrays Nazis or Nazi-adjacent totalitarians as sympathetic in creative works

Trying to “have a discussion” with Nazis.

Getting on someone’s case for calling a Nazi a Nazi.

Denial of the reality that Donald Trump is a Nazi.

(Again, I point to Tales of the Valkyr that literally have Nazi stuff in there and then you make Ryder out to be sympathetic and misunderstood cuz God gave him a boo boo once)

Nazi Sympathizer -

Any of the following

Sympathizes with Nazi beliefs

“Trying to understand”

Is against Deplatforming Nazis

Is against punching/egging/milkshaking Nazis

Is under the delusion that there is a “middle ground” with Nazis.

Neo-Nazi -

Fits any of the following

Expresses three or more of the categories of bigotry (sans the ones that start with Nazi).

Antisemitism

Known to follow Nazi personalities.

“Triggered” jokes.

(Don’t think I forgot those anti-jew posts you made)

Pedophile -

Any of the following

Sexual assault of a child

Consumption of child pornography

Self-identifies as such in any way, shape or form

Advocates in favor of legal age of consent below 18/19

Is known to have sexual thoughts about children (POCD Notwithstanding)

(Stockholm and the fact you want your toddler characters kissing full on the mouth... That’s just gross...)

Racism -

Any of the following

Apologia of police brutality

Complaining about BLM

Supporting racial profiling

Use of racial slurs

Islamaphobia

Attempting to tie upbringing, region, racism or capitalism induced characteristics to race or culture

Devil’s advocate for racism of any kind

Rape Apologist -

Downplays the severity of sexual assault

Respectability Politics -

Arguing being “calm and dignified” and needlessly demonizing a very justified anger.

Slurs -

Any of the following

Use of slurs

Advocating the reclamation of slurs

Stalker -

Is known to stalk people and hoard their social media archives

(Didn’t you explicitly know what IP address Lizzy and Patch have? Probably a lot more of your “stalkers” too)

TERF -

Synonymous with Transphobia, but dressed up in feminist rhetoric

Transphobia -

Expresses any of the following, regardless of whether one is cis or trans.

Bathroom segregation

Anti-LGBT rights

Anti Legal Change of Sex

Misgendering trans people at all

Deadnaming trans people at all

Opposing allowing trans children to transition.

“Did you just assume my gender” and “attack helicopter” jokes.

Internalized Transphobia

Denouncing “Gender ideology”

Truscum -

Selectively policing trans people’s identities while being trans oneself.

(Pretty sure you’re guilty of this one too, atleast in the past. You were all about “you don’t have to feel dysphoria to be trans”)

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Now, let’s see, she called me a Neo-Nazi and a stalker. Let’s check the ACTUAL definition of a stalker, shall we:

“a person who stalks: a person who pursues someone obsessively and aggressively to the point of harassment“

If you think I’m harassing you then why am I not arrested yet?

And she also called me a Neo-Nazi:

- Give me proof I was ever a bigot? I have tons of LGBTQ+ friends- Antisemitism? I am VERY interested in Jewish religion, symbolism and the Hebrew language. - Yeah, but it’s very hard to NOT be a Nazi personality in Lily’s eyes. She probably thinks most of the Brony analysis community is Nazi...- When did I ever make a “Triggered” Joke?

All in all, this list is just so mind-blowingly dumb, it’s not even funny anymore.

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theclaravoyant · 6 years

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What do I mean by “using hetero/cis normativity as evidence” (in this post)? Some examples:

“there’s no reason for that character to be gay/bi/pan/ace/nb/trans/etc” - you all know this one; the idea that there has to be a ‘reason’ for queer identities while there’s no reason required for cishet identities is cishet normativity at work

“that person has only been with people of the opposite* sex so they can’t be [anything but straight]” - aside from the fact that hcs are very welcome to ignore canon altogether, bi, pan and other multigender attractions exist; the character doesn’t necessarily have to be homosexual - BUT ALSO, they CAN be!! compulsory heterosexuality is the feeling that we must perform heterosexuality and therefore most gay people do date people of the ‘opposite’ sex, especially before they realise and/or come out, or while they’re figuring themselves out, & this is sometimes for a long time! This is a very real experience for many homosexual people that is hideously underrated in a media environment that expects gay people to have ~always known~. sometimes gay people want to see that experience represented too!!

“that character isn’t hideously depressed about their body/pronouns/etc, [so they can’t be trans]” - a) while not universally agreed upon, many trans people & groups agree that dysphoria isn’t necessary to be trans, and b) dysphoria isn’t always ‘if I don’t get breasts/a penis I’ll kill myself’; it is often a lot more subtle than that, a discomfort or sense of mismatch between one’s assumed or assigned gender and what one feels. This is not well captured in a media environment which does not handle trans issues or experiences well (to be polite about it)

“that character doesn’t look trans” - bro u gotta know this one. come on. a) we all know they’re being played by cis actors 99.99999999999% of the time don’t be ridiculous b) there are many stages to a physical transition process, c) there’s no one way to ~look trans~, must I go on

“you’re reading too much into it” - HOO BOY this is one of my favourites, bc see, even if we DO provide ~evidence~ for the above things (eg. that a character may have had same sex relationships, or may experience dysphoria), we’re often told that whatever evidence it is, isn’t enough. (and this relies on the default position being “cishet until proven queer” and it’s the critics that get to set the bar for the burden of proof, which in my book, also counts as using cishet normativity as evidence). What do I mean by this??

this character used gender neutral language such as “ex” or “partner”, which suggests they may not only have had relationships only with people of the opposite sex - uh you’re reading too much into it, straight people use gender neutral language all the time, partner is just more mature than girlfriend/boyfriend, exes is just easier to say than ex girlfriends/ex boyfriends, etc etc...

this male-presenting character clearly experiences strong discomfort when being insulted using feminine-coded pronouns, names or traits, perhaps it is because they are trans and are feeling misgendered - uh you’re reading too much into it, it’s clearly because of toxic masculinity, that’s the only option, toxic masculinity is a problem that causes this and therefore it must be that, don’t you even care about toxic masculinity???

this character uses a similar look, line of dialogue, piece of music, etc when interacting with their hetero canon love interest as they do when interacting with a member of the same sex who is also significant to them; could this be romantic coding? - uh you’re reading too much into it, the hetero love interest is romantic coded bc it’s canon not bc it’s hetero, the dialogue/music/etc just means they’re important, do you hate close platonic friendships bc it sure sounds like you do why do the gays always ruin close friendships by reading into everything ugh

this female-presenting character clearly experiences strong discomfort when being insulted using feminine-coded pronouns, names or traits, perhaps it is because they are trans and are feeling misgendered, or are experiencing dysphoria but haven’t realised they’re trans yet - uh you’re reading too much into it, it’s clearly because of sexism I mean who likes being called lady/sweetheart etc etc it’s gotta be sexism or internalised misogyny bc they are problems that cause this kind of behaviour so it must be them in this case there doesn’t need to be some other ridiculous reason bc these are real reasons and real problems don’t you even care...

YOU GET THE IDEA

I’m sick of being expected to provide evidence for lgbt+ headcanons but I’m even more sick of that ~evidence~ being thwarted by cishet normativity, especially when the people who wield it think they’re being super clever and/or insightful, or get defensive or even aggressive. It’s not necessary, it’s not fun, and it’s kinda not the point of headcanons at all

#i'm feeling defensive of lgbt+ headcanons in this chillis tonight #lgbt headcanons #lgbt+ headcanons #representation matters #life of a fangirl #fandom wank #and i'm not saying people with lgbt+ hcs can't be dicks about them too #but a SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT of the dickishness i've seen is the above #and getting shitty when people call out the above #i'm talking 90%+

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rotationalsymmetry · 3 years

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Commenting on w/out reblogging re: afab and gender socialization (obvs this has terf connections but I'm not actually going to talk about that here? I'm more assuming innocent misunderstandings for the purpose of this post.)

Short version is if you're talking about "afab experiences" when actually a lot of amab people experience the same thing you might want to reconsider your language choice. For accuracy purposes and for the purposes of not sounding like a radfem.

AFAB ("assigned female at birth") is just what it says on your birth certificate. There are AFAB people who are raised as boys. There are intersex people who get their gender reassigned to them multiple times, or who get an assigned gender that doesn't match what their hormones do when they hit puberty. There are AMAB people who figure out they're girls early on and grow up as girls. There's AMAB people who figure out they're girls early on and aren't allowed to present themself as girl and aren't treated as girls but still absorb cultural messages about how they're supposed to be, as girls. And of course, socialization doesn't stop when people hit adulthood.

Out of people who are raised as girls, there are still a wide range of different ways to be raised as a girl. Some girls are taught to use power tools, some girls aren't allowed to play with Barbies, some girls get taught they have to be pretty, some girls get taught you can be pretty or smart but not both and it's better to be smart. And people who are raised as boys get raised in a wide range of different ways too. It's possible to talk about being raised as a girl without minimizing that diversity, but in practice people usually don't.

And, I mean, sometimes generalizations and simplifications make sense, but... When I talk about something I encounter because I have a certain kind of body or because I'm seen as female (inadequate pockets, clothes being more expensive even while containing less fabric, the expectation to present my body in a way that straight men find sexually appealing, the expectation that I should be emotionally available and not demanding of others, etc) I say that. That this is a thing that people who are seen as female or who have a feminine body shape* frequently experience. Sometimes I say who are typically misgendered as female when I want to talk specifically about people in this category who aren't women. This doesn't seem to be especially common in the community. And I'm not sure it's the best language either. But it's more accurate than talking about afab issues when actually a lot of amab people are affected by these things too.

And when I talk about that, I'm not ever trying to be prescriptivist and say there's definitely people who don't have this problem. I'm not the expert on what other people's problems are. And telling a group of people that they categorically don't have a problem tends to both be wrong and go badly. Sometimes cis people get misgendered, for instance. Sometimes men get sexually harassed. Some men feel tremendous pressure to look attractive and to modify their bodies to be more attractive, and many men (yes, cishet men) do in fact feel like they're not allowed to prioritize their own emotional well-being. You don't know.

And "women's issues" or "gender minorities issues" or whatever we're going with here (like...fuck, personally I'm for calling it "women's issues" and just acknowledging that women's issues do affect many trans people who aren't women, but I think I'm in the minority here) happening to also be problems for people who have no connection whatsoever to womanhood, isn't a bad thing and doesn't somehow negate the value of feminism. It's not an existential threat that we have to prove doesn't exist. It just means we've identified issues that are more widespread than we initially thought and that really could use way more societal attention. It's good when paying attention to issues that affect a lot of women and a lot of trans people of varying genders, can turn out to have something of a cut curb effect on cis men too.

("cut curb effect" is a term from disability justice -- it's about those mini ramps at the ends of sidewalks that are necessary for people with wheelchairs but also pretty convenient for, eg, parents with strollers. It means when an effort to be more inclusive towards one group has incidental positive benefits for other groups.) I'm not trying to, you know, make anyone feel bad, especially since goodness knows there's often not universal agreement on the best language to use here and sometimes the collective consciousness changes its mind every few years. Keeping up on the most trans inclusive language is a project. And also, afab/amab get used in ways they were never meant to be used for and which are not accurate far too often.

*Well. The clothes issue can affect people who don't have that body shape but want to dress feminine. It still affects people like me as well though, because it's hard to find masculine clothes that fit my body, so I end up dressing differently than I might if I had a different body type.

#commenting on without reblogging #terf ideology #gender #feminism #trans #discourse #afab #long post #thing is gender socialization doesn't stop when you hit adulthood #and the only reason to talk as though it does is to build up to a trans women aren't really women argument #and if you're not talking about childhood socialization only #then the term you're looking for isn't afab #I do really get the pushback against 'trans men are basically identical to cis men' because wow that's some bullshit #but talking as though assigned gender is this bright dividing line is really not the way to go #sorry if this is rambly

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cassolotl · 7 years

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Gender and sex are [not] different

Content note: Article refers to transphobia, TERFs, sex essentialism.

I have recently seen nonbinary people, even high-profile nonbinary people like Asia Kate Dillon, saying that gender and sex are different. This is bothering me a lot, for reasons I’ve struggled to articulate, but I’m gonna try anyway damnit.

Disclaimer: This is just the way I see things. I’ll back up my assertions where I can, but please do understand that I am the internet equivalent of some dude you met in the pub last week.

AN OVERVIEW / SOME CONTEXT

Sex and gender are both social constructs, which basically means they’re ideas that humans created. A penis is just a penis, but only a human would say that a penis (or a person with a penis) is inherently male.

The definitions of sex and gender are broadly agreed to be subtly different: sex is purely anatomical, whereas gender is an experience, a combination of physical, behavioural and psychological things that no one is really able to pin down.

I live in the UK, and here there is no legal difference between sex and gender.

The “sex” marker on your birth certificate can be changed with a gender recognition certificate (hormones and surgery not compulsory), and birth certificates are not connected to medical records at all. Getting that sex marker changed is very difficult and expensive.

You can legally have a different gender or sex marker on all your state-issued IDs and at most it’ll cause some bureaucratic confusion.

You can put any title on any record and some people will probably frown at you if you put Mrs if you’re an unmarried person but those people are legally speaking in the wrong.

Basically anything is legal as long as you’re not doing it to deceive or commit fraud, and the Gender Recognition Panel is way outdated and about to be dismantled anyway.

To put it another way, what the UK calls “legal sex” is actually just legal gender, misnamed. Even the sex marker on medical records is a gender marker misnamed.

To add to the confusion, linguistically speaking sex and gender are generally described in the same way - because until very recently, English-speakers have largely been unable to change their bodies and therefore unable to change the way the world treats them. Words like “female” can describe someone’s body and/or someone’s gender, while also describing the reproductive capacity of non-human lifeforms, the shape of the connecting end of a computer cable...

Because of the body/mind distinction, people who say that only we can define our genders will often comfortably say that sex can be objectively determined by an educated professional.

Doctors generally agree that sex is defined by:

the number and type of sex chromosomes;

the type of gonads—ovaries or testicles;

the sex hormones;

the internal reproductive anatomy (such as the uterus in females); and

the external genitalia.

Since finding out someone’s sex chromosomes takes months and is very expensive and largely unnecessary for most people, unless your doctor has found a pressing reason to test your chromosomes (such as signs that you may be intersex and it may affect your physical health in some way), you do not know your own sex. Yes, you. You have, at least, a (probably but not necessarily accurate) guess based on the information you have unequivocal access to: external genitalia.

This blog post assumes that misgendering people is harmful. It may not harm everyone, but it harms enough people that it’s a good idea to behave in a way that prevents that harm.

SEX AND GENDER ARE THE SAME

1: Sex --> gender

The idea that gender is defined by sex is an obvious wrong thing, so it seems like a good place to start. That’s the idea that your gender comes from your body. If you were born with a penis and testicles, you are a man, whether you like it or not.

Who does it: Some people (eg: TERFs) say that hormones and surgery simply “mask” your “true” sex/gender, and you can’t change your chromosomes or the way you were born. Some people (eg: some outdated gender recognition systems) say that your body must be changed in order to change your gender.

Why it’s harmful: It sucks for trans people. Either you can never be correctly gendered by other people, even when you pass, or you can only be correctly gendered by other people once someone has inspected your genitals or judged your facial hair or whatever.

What to do instead: Don’t say that gender is irrevocably tied to one’s body. Support the idea that people know themselves better than anyone else can, and trust them when they tell you what their gender is.

2: Gender --> sex

Who does it: If you’re on Tumblr you’ve probably read blog posts that say things like “I am female, therefore my penis is female.” A lot of us feel this way about our own bodies, and taking ownership of the language used to describe your body is a very positive thing. In the UK it’s supported by the medical system, which lets you change the gender/sex marker on your medical records just by asking the receptionist.

Why it’s harmful: It’s not - unless you start to impose it on others. It’s not universal. Some of us strongly feel and identify with the sex of the body; for example, Asia Kate Dillon is nonbinary but strongly identifies their body as female.

And then there’s Big Freedia, who says she’s a man because she has a man’s body. Her name and pronouns and presentation, everything that we use as gender cues, are decidedly feminine - but she is very open about her body being male.

What to do instead: Don’t assume stuff about people’s bodies or the language they use to talk about their bodies based on their gender, pronouns, presentation, etc. Don’t say that in general, for example, a body is female if it belongs to a woman. Respect everyone’s right to bodily privacy. Support the idea that people know themselves better than anyone else can, and trust them when they tell you what their sex is. But like, don’t ask, okay? Don’t even hint. It is none of your business.

SEX AND GENDER ARE UNCONNECTED

This is the one that’s been bugging me lately.

Who does it: I’ve seen nonbinary people go out of their way to correct people who equate gender and sex (or man and male, woman and female), and in doing so they state that sex and gender are never connected.

And it’s understandable! The idea that someone can be born in the wrong body has been central to the campaign of visibility and understanding aimed at cisgender people for quite a long time now. It counters the idea above, that sex defines gender, that has been socially prevalent for basically all of living ciscentric memory. A lot of us probably learned about what being transgender is by hearing the idea that your mind can be one gender while your body is another, and said, “damn, that could explain a lot for me.”

Asia Kate Dillon takes this to an extreme. I mentioned above that their gender is nonbinary and their sex is female, but they have also stated that sex and gender are entirely unconnected, for everyone. They insist that male and female are words used to describe sex only, and that it harms them when trans women call themselves female. They said that sex is defined by those five characteristics I listed in the overview, and if any of those characteristics doesn’t match the others then your body stops being male or female at all; a person who’s had a hysterectomy can no longer be called female in terms of sex.

Why it’s harmful: When people say to a trans person, “well you might be a man but your body is not male,” they are implying that someone’s biology would be relevant to anyone but themself, the people they may be physically intimate with, and maybe their doctor. On this level alone it’s personally very intrusive, in a way that no cis person would have to tolerate.

On a practical level, it allows people to exclude trans people from gendered spaces in which they belong on the basis of aspects of their body that may never even be visible, because their body is somehow more relevant (to gendered spaces like toilets and changing rooms) than who they are, and cis people can’t possibly cope.

There are two common excuses for excluding trans people from these spaces.

Random cisgender humans will accidentally see a weird body and be needlessly alarmed or frightened. (Frankly, not our problem?)

Some people are incurably violent or harmful because of their bodies; even someone seeing their bodies may cause harm. (That’s, at very generous best, insulting. In reality, if you are perceived as a serious threat when you walk into a room you become a target.)

What to do instead: Don’t make sweeping statements like “trans people were born in the wrong body” or “gender and sex are different and unrelated.” Support and respect people when they tell you about their own experiences of their body and gender. Encourage cisgender people to take responsibility for their emotional issues, improve and increase resources for victims of sexual violence, advocate for partially gender-neutralising spaces, and welcome trans people into gendered spaces where possible - and it almost always is possible.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS

Always respect people’s right to bodily privacy. Always.

If you feel like your sex is defined by your gender then great but it’s not true for every trans and/or nonbinary person. Similarly, if you feel that your gender and sex are independent of each other then that’s fine but don’t impose that on other people.

Barring unusual phobias, there is no need to ever consider the impact of someone’s sex on you personally. Unless you’re a doctor or you’re about to have sex or something.

In reality, there is a relationship between one’s body and one’s gender for a lot of people, otherwise gender dysphoria wouldn’t be a thing. What the connection is we may never fully understand, but that doesn’t matter. There is a connection for many people and it feels different for everyone, and that needs to be acknowledged and respected. At the same time, for many people there is no apparent connection between their gender and their body, but that doesn’t mean there can’t be one or that deep down everyone else is just wrong about themselves.

Gender and sex are complex individually, and their relationship to each other is complex too. Trying to logic it and sort it into boxes and make a flow chart of it just isn’t going to work. We can stop trying to teach each other, and start supporting each other instead.

#original posts #my words #gender #trans #nonbinary

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