#but of course we cant always get what we want

[azrielwingspan]

THE CHOICES WE MAKE - PART 2 (AZRIEL X READER)

Summary : Things escalate as you hastily try to find a solution.

Warnings : Swearing

PART- 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Vallahan council chambers)

"I've given you one duty, Y/N. Just ONE." your king seethed at you as you stood in front of him with your head bowed. "How could you be so ...useless?" The words sent a sharp pain through you, but you ignored it. Later, you'd let it hurt you. "The border is nothing more but rot as far as the eye can see. What are you going to tell those who've lost their homes?"

You stood in silence, head hung in shame, taking the verbal blows. Pathetic. That's how you felt.

"Get out. I'll deal with you after I've dealt with this." You left obediently, not letting him see the tears lining your eyes. People had lost their lives because of your inability to do your job. Silence echoed in your mind as you tried to think of something...anything.

There was only one thing left to do.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The River House, Velaris)

"I don't care about the cost. I need the book, Rhys. PLEASE"." you almost begged. You could see the conflict in his eyes. He was hiding something, you were sure about it.

"Y/N..." taking in a deep breath, he blurted out "it's a trap. Koschei, he...wants the book. He's trying to lure us."

You let the words sink in, understanding dawning upon you. "We're just supposed to watch people die then?" He didn't respond, choosing to look away.

"W-we'll prepare for it. We'll set up a legion to stop---"

"He's too strong. A legion won't be able to stop him. I didn't want to say this Y/N...but the lives of a few over the lives of many is a tough decision I have to make."

A beat of silence passed, the words sinking in. Your vision turned red, the words spewing out of you like wildfire "A TOUGH DECISION YOU HAVE TO MAKE?! I have blood on my fucking hands, Rhysand! I stood and watched as my people were fucking slaughtered. DO THEY NOT DESERVE TO FUCKING LIVE?!?!"

He almost flinched as you raised you tone. You didn't feel guilt though. You felt pure undiluted anger coursing through your veins at the entire situation. "The most powerful high lord cant manage to save a couple of people ?! Fucking pathetic. You sit here in your nice little city watching over your people that aren't fucking aware of anything, those shit---"

"THAT IS ENOUGH." Rhysand roared, a pulse of his power rushing through the room. It washed over you, momentarily stunning you into silence. "Don't you dare bring my people into this. They don't deserve your anger."

The door to Rhysand's office burst open revealing Azriel, Nesta and Cassian.

"What's going on?" Azriel asked, eyes flitting between you and Rhys.

"Your darling brother just told me to stand by and watch my people die." you sneered.

"Y/N, we'll figure out another---" Rhys started.

You raised a hand to silence him. "I know where your loyalties lie Rhysand. If it were the people of Velaris, you wouldn't have thought twice."

"You're right." Nesta spoke up, eyes brimming with a challenge. "Then why are you still here?"

"Ness!" Cassian admonished her, which she ignored.

"Watch your fucking mouth." you said flatly to her turning your gaze back to Rhysand. "You told me you'd always be there no matter what. I see there was a limit to it."

"Y/N, please." Azriel followed you out the door, pushing past Cassian. "Just calm down and listen.."

You whipped towards him , anger flaring again "Calm down?! Do you know what I've been through the past few days Azriel? Everyday I wake up to a list of dead fae. They died because I didn't do anything. They died because I had a solution and I couldn't carry it out because your shithead of a high lord and your fucking sister in law would not let me. So no, Azriel, I will not calm down."

"Hey...hey.." he stepped closer to you cupping your face in his hands. His warmth and scent did nothing to calm you but you let him speak. "I'm sorry. I will never stop asking for your forgiveness for this moment but I need you to keep a clear head. I promise I'll help you out. We'll find another way okay? If not, I'll speak to Rhys again. He'll understand."

"Just...leave me alone. I don't need false promises." you walked away from him not paying attention to the hurt splashed across his face.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Your private chambers, Vallahan)

"It's a bargain." The sting of the bargain across your skin filled with you hope once again. You'd found a solution.

"I hope you won't go back on your word Lady Y/N." the male seated across you spoke, a tinge of suspicion in his voice.

"I couldn't even if I wanted to." you wiped the blood on your palm with a wet cloth and traced a finger along the cut across you palm.

"Very well." he stood up "you have a week to fulfill your side of the bargain."

"You have a day." you say flatly, not wanting to extend the conversation any further.

A dark chuckle echoed through the chambers, the fire casting eerie shadow across the walls. "It shall be done."

Footsteps walked away from you, each one in sync with your thudding heart. It had to be done. You had no choice. You told yourself repeatedly.

"Oh and Y/N...." you turned to face him at the sudden change in his tone. "when you're done breaking the shadowsingers heart, come find me. Your fire is best suited for the Autumn court."

You almost scoffed at his offer but instead chose to stay neutral.

"Goodnight, Eris."

He gave you a mocking bow and left the chambers, his red hair glinting in the firelight.

TAGLIST:

@lilah-asteria @anuttellaa @paankhaleyaar @blackgirlmagicforever @thebeautifulmysteriesoflife @fxckmiup @koffeevibes @starryhiraeth @mx13sworld @mp-littlebit @brieflyclassymortal

#azriel acotar #azriel fanfic #azriel shadowsinger #acotar #azriel #acotar series #a court of thorns and roses #azriel x reader #azriel x you #acomaf #acotar azriel #azriel spymaster #acotar x reader #x reader #azriel x y/n #x y/n #x you #eris acotar #acotar fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #shadowsinger x reader

[kazutora-kurokawa]

Hi Kaz! Ik it says requests temporarily closed in your bio but I just wanted to leave a little thought here :) You don’t have to write it fast, take your time always!

Undefeated Boxer!Rindou and his hot gf always coming to the matches to support him/cheer him on

After every win she gives him a *special* reward😉

Undefeated Boxer!Rindou x Girlfriend!Reader

♡ SFW->NSFW, established relationship, oral->male receiving to face fucking (in a car btw), Ran is Rindou's manager ♡

note: anon I love this little thought 😭🩷 Rindou would honestly be a good boxer, I feel like he'd be into Muay Thai for some reason lol

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

🥊 You come to every one of Rin's fights, sitting right next to Ran and cheering him on and screaming his name (sometimes you bring banners with his name on it too)

"Beat his ass Rin!"

"You got this Rindou! Hit him with a right!"

🥊 You and Ran always jump out of your seats and clap when Rin wins, it's routine at this point

🥊 As soon as Rin exits the ring you're all over him, hugging and kissing him all over his face

🥊 You're so touchy and look so damn fine, it's no surprise when you start to feel his erection poking against you through his shorts

🥊 As soon as he gets changed you two walk to your car, he hops in the driver's side and immediately puts the seat back, pulling his sweatpants down hurriedly

🥊 So of course you do what a good girlfriend would do and lean over to give him head

🥊 You can't help but moan when you feel his rough hand on the back of your neck, holding you steady while he starts thrusting up into your mouth

🥊 Rin is very vocal and it's relatively quiet outside, so you get to hear all his grunts and moans

🥊 Praises you the whole time

"F-fuck angel, that's it.. just like that darling~"

"Can't wait to cum in your pretty lil mouth ♡"

🥊 Cums in your mouth and gets hard again while watching you swallow it

"Damn princess...I think it's time we go home so I can show you how much I really appreciate you."

❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀❀

Taglist

@arlerts-angel @i-literally-cant-with-this @trevengersprincess @giugiette @katkusuo @happy-trenchcoated-impala @drunkcheesecake @darkstarlight82 @reiners-milkbiddies @manji-hoe

#tokyo revengers headcanons #tokyo revengers x reader #tokyo revengers smut #rindou haitani smut #rindou x reader #rindou headcanons #rindou fluff

[mihai-florescu]

Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course

My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...

As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...

I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)

It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...

Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...

#enstars

[leona-florianova]

* looking at prices of new rock boots*

"It cant be That hard to make some fancy boots yourself, right?"

*i say while fully aware of how hard it would really be*

#technically not impossible #i could always go back to my zlín uni n beg at the shoe department if they perhaps dont have some shoe lasts I could borrow #also just did the numbers n it looks like if I made them myself it would be only slightly cheaper than what actual new rocks are sold for #+ high chance of mistakes since i never made shoes before #+ my time #n to get the soles i would have to gut some other shoes cause where does one get nice platforms for good price that is not in bulk #why the fuck did i study animation in the shoe making city when i could have gone and studied shoe making #joking.. i dont regret that #but i really do want to make some boots #father might also make drama about this if i bring this up cause he specifically said that we cant afford stuff for making boots #and time and effort for making boots #¨which of course to me is like #challenge #this will haunt me #personal

[alildritten]

Ah yes, the scariest story of all:

G A Y

(/j)

#alright time for context in the tags!! your favorite show!!! yippee! #yeah so anyway basically i was thinking up fictional scenarios with my ocs (of course as always) #and i was thinking about hey! so what about this werewolf character. yknow? silver? what if we thought about when they were a little kid #and stuff. you know? why not and all and so i was having fun with that thinking about how theyd have had to keep their werewolf-ness #a secret. but their parents know and are trying to keep it a secret as well and what-not #and one day silver gets invited to a sleepover. yknow. at night. theyre a werewolf??? that wouldnt go well #other than the fact that they can control that wolf form?? (i need to figure out what to call it) #so itd be fine but its supposed to be a secret because if people knew silver would be reported to the authorites because in that universe #humans do exist they just kicked any weird hybrid or beast or whatever off onto another planet #jokes on them the little beasties are doing fine and after a bit of adjusting and working on fitting into the new world #that theywere forced onto with no way back #they have a whole civilization and are doing great!!! but everytime that the humans on their world realize someones like. a werewolf or #a vampire or anything. WELP BYE-BYE HAVE A NICE TRIP #and well theres a new orphan in town on the other world! well heck hopefully they live alright and maybe get adopted? #BUT ANYWAY OFF TRACK WHOOPS so basically silvers parents are like ‘no. you cant’ but silver’s friends had asked several times in the past #and really wanted to have a sleepover with silver. idk and so basically silver writes a note saying ‘hey i did go sorry bout that- #dont worry i got it covered i can keep my wolf formt hing hidden no worries’ or something basically says that and goes to the sleepover #(friends think silver finally got permission) and wow i just realized this is a long story heck lemme try and shorten a little #and eventually at one point they all wanna tell scary stories cause why not #and once i got there my brain kinda kept pausing and then swoosh new train thought woahh!! #and started thinking about a cute scenario about two ocs of mine who are VERY GAY hehe <3 #but i thought it was a bit funny because i realized that i was about to have some lil kids tell each other scary stories and then woop brain #go hey think about this cute gay scenario!! so ah yes. cute gay scenario=SCARY (/j) #does this even make any sense at all i genuinely dont know but i had fun talking about ocs so yea ima sleep now #have a good day/night to you!!! <333 YIPPEE anyway bye bye goodnight bla bla bla woohoo

[devilfruitdyke]

i dont wanna decide on a career unfortunately everyone wants me to soso bad

#i have to have it in. checks watch. 6 months maximum :) #just because i want biomedical something its what im good at and i cant not help people #like thats not some hero complex thing if o dont get motivated by helping people i will be a danger to myself within a couple months #but guys i am fucking ASS at coding. im goated at block coding i always make it past that #but my neocities wont work even tho im basically copy and pasting from html tutorials #i walk into the room and the machine makes it clear that it does NOT fuck with me #maybe i want biomedical research or something thats a little less hands on #or maybe an occupational therapy direction because i learn a lot about disabilities in my free time #or one of the cna or ekg practicum classes i can take through the local college #OR i can pay minimum a couple thousand for coding classes and brute force it #or stay biomedical engineering and focus on improving the mechanical aspects of existing biomed devices without personally coding as much #or veer way off course for something in sustainability #im literally just gonna end up teaching ap bio somewhere lmfao. why are we stressing #< NO hate to ap bio teachers i fuck with you #but i see that shit in my future Vividly #(or i could plan curriculums for teaching biology and standardize methods for courses such as pltw in the real setting ETC ETC ETC)

[tchaikovskym]

My coworker: I've heard different opinions about the barbie movie

Me: oh yeah bad and good?

My coworker: yeah, some say it's a really good movie and the others say it's such a feminist movie

And that's how I came out as a feminist at my work

#we had. a discussion. #her argument was that some women WANT to stay at home and do nothing #and i was like yeah but what about us who dont want to do that #and i mentioned pay gaps with real examples from our work #i asked her if she wouldnt like us to get paid as them #and she said no bc everywhere men get paid more #and i was like. isnt that. isnt that a problem in your eyes #she was quiet for a few seconds and said that men deserve more pay bc their work is physically harder #i then pointed out a male coworker who has not lifted a finger in the establishmenet. ever. we (girls) have always been the ones who bring #him all the equipment. not the hardest equipment but like cpr mannequins are quite heavy in bulk #and she was like he doesnt count hes an old usless guy #and i was like he counts because he is old and useless and earns tirple our salary because he is a man #she was silent again and said women dont earn more bc they dont know how to talk #to which i said our vice director (a woman) can. #and she said she cannot say anything to me #and i was like yeah not to you but she has negotiated quite impossibly sounding things before #i added of course it depends on person what you can and cant do and how hard your work is and that those abilities are not divided by gender #she said nothing and we continued on with our day #like idk guys i feel like im slowly destroying our friendship with thisb #but also why would i be friends with someone who sees women as lesser?

[collecting--stardust]

This semester's summary: existential crisis, existential crisis, existential crisis

#ah and 💸💸💸 #so im always good in words compared to action so theory is not bad but my skills is lacking #im aware of it but im always a bit slow to catch up and all and that's one of my biggest insecurity #anyway today we had our last review skills session and i was unfortunately standing nearest to the trolley #so i was selected to do the tracheostomy suctioning and boy thats one of the skills that im really bad in #and i was struggling so bad and im shaking and my group has the top students and while i give no fuck you can see how they judge me #and the person in charge for that section is a master student who is having her assessment and i really dont want her to get bad results #so more panic and insecurity #but throughout the session she still guide me patiently and even say like its okay youre doing great and all #and by the end of it i got the grip of it but i was so upset with myself and regret everything #but then she lightly touch my arm and said its okay youre doing really well when i obviously fucked up #and then i just.. cried #what a good thing i wear a mask because two of my course mates are tested positive today because damn #and i keep on pretending to wipe my glasses when i was actually hiding my tears like damn this is embarrassing #but... i really want to thank her personally but i cant even talk just now and i dont even know if i will meet her again #because i really am doubting myself lately and that word is really comforting and i really needed to hear it #god 2nd year sucks i didnt even cry throughout my first year even when i did the worst presentation of my life and look like a dumbass #i always rant here you guys must be sick of me lol #personal.txt

[catboyrightsdefender]

im so fucking angry

#part of my family lives in Switzerland so we dont see them very often #so everytime they come we have a family dinner at a restaurant #but these past years the dinners were 'adults only' (as in without the children aka me my sibs and all the cousins) #me and my sibs were always bummed but we could see our cousins on different occasions so it was ok #and i absolutely hate my grandfather so im not that sad about not seeing him lol #anyway there was a restaurant dinner on tuesday. my dad said its adults only and me and my sibs cant come. whatever. business as usual ig #but then yesterday i hang out with my cousins. and guess what i learn. they were ALL at the dinner. they always went to the dinners. #and of course i cant be 100% sure but i think i know why it's like this #i think we were always invited but my dad doesnt want us to go so he lied everytime. doesn't want ME to go in particular. #he had lied to me about having told my grandfather i was trans for me (i didnt want to do it myself for reasons) which led me to get #absolutely humiliated and receive a disgusting amount of transphobia from my grandfather when i called him on the phone once. because he #didnt know. because my dad had lied to me. and im fairly sure my dad just wants to like hide me away or smth because he's a fucking #spineless coward. that or my grandparents specifically ask for us not to come lol. #anyway. im so mad. me already don't get to see our cousins a lot and now i learn this. fucking hell #.txt

[xxlelaxx]

Yesterday I was panicking. Today I might have a mid wife, managed to make appointments and the guy from our wish apartment, wants to talk cause he changed his mind!

#ignore me #honestly if all of this works out and we get the baby courses i will cry #next step (later today) is finding good maternity clothes and hopefully also getting them soon! #cause i refuse to buy them first hand #seems like a waste of money #also reevaluating our what to buy for the baby list #we also might need to get the stroller far earlier then i wanted to cause i found one we both really like #also my parents wanna help us and pay but I've never felt so bad about getting money from someone #and we might be able to save more which means we wont use up all our saving in the next month #god i hope so much that we figure all of this out and we manage everything a #cause then the baby will have a better start and i wanna give this baby the best start in the world #yesterday we heard its heartbeat and gods the way we looked at each other i swear it felt like everything was perfect for a second #we both had tears in our eyes and the babys heartbeat was so fast and they started moving again! #i cant wait to really feel the kicks and to always know they are okay #i only have been feeling little ones and I'm not sure if it is really kicks but yeah

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#uuuugh i desperately want to take a geology course #and aquire paleontology friends #and be a paleontologist. i mean i wanna be an astrobiologist with Microbiology. ecology. evolutionary biology. geology. and paleontology #influences. also biochemistry. and that's all vaid bc astrobiology is intersectional. i can get there however i want #and what i want is to look at the evolution of biochemistry in cyanobacteria but finding someone who does something that specific is hard #but like learning abt paleontology has broken my brain a bit. like maybe its just bc im in the desert and u can see the exposed ground but #like i look at the landscape and see the volcanic rock and uplifted areas snd everything and its just like #holy fuck we are walking around on 4billion years worth of history and i wanna kno how all those processes work #in terms of making the landscape how it is #and i got to see some fucking wild trace fossils the other day and i was so fucking excited to see them #and when i go home to visit i think we're gonna see a pretty good natural history museum #bc my parents were like: what do u wanna do while ur home? and i was like well u see i am v into paleontology atm #and im v excited to go with them bc idk they kno what kinda freak i am and that always makes things easier #also they would prob read the info on the exibits if i asked bc i cant fucking read lol #and my mum is v into rock collecting rn so that is an excuse for me to learn abt geology stuff #hhhhh there is just so much cool stuff to learn #and everyday i have to sit there and do my lab work on a topic that i have greatly diverged away from #like my boss was like: im so excited. when we publish all this data u will be the name ppl think of when they think of carbon cycling in X #system! which is true. its a narrow field and ive generated lots of data #and what do i feel abt all that data? absolutely fuck all. its like ive maliciously collected a bunch of little gems and then im gonna #uncarimonially dump them on the floor for a tiny collection of ppl and then walk the fuck out the door #idk its probably just me being passive aggressive bc collecting the data has/is casuing me such physical and mental strain #but god if i could take a paleontology class rn id be so fucking annoying abt it. to b fair id also be the same abt a Microbiology class #sigh... maybe within the next year #unrelated #lmao im extremely annoying abt paleontology now and i havent even taken a class #at every chance im just like: well u kno... *insert fact here* #and i feel so obnoxious but i can't stop so i guess its just a hazard of being around me haha

[strwbrymlkshake]

I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀

#mine #🎸 #DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an #ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao #First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off #But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me #i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere #i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3 #but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way #but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous #at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like #a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes #but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so #bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them #because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a #good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to #BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me?? #and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance #watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong #my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that #feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY #HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird #one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing #where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh #right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also #literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?

[scoreplings]

almost four months out from ending a ten year long friendship / three year long relationship. seven years of saying we’d live together our whole lives and planning the house we’d move into together. where we’d build our life together. and that life isn’t going to exist now. and it sucks. and it hurts. but i am doing better now than i have in years. and its bittersweet because of that pain. but its still good. i have people in my life who love me. i have family, and friends, and a boyfriend i love so much it makes me feel crazy. and i’m about to move across the country and get a chance for as fresh of a start as i could ask for. anyone who’s hurting or hopeless or heartbroken i want you to know things do get better. you do get over it. you do keep on living. you find people and things that make you happy and you move on. you’ve got better things coming for you ❤️

#i am stupid in love and i was thinking today #like what if that guy was it for me yknow? what if he was my soul mate what if the fact we were together so long means we were meant to be #together forever and ive made a terrible mistake and i should have tried harder #but yknow what? #1) he never tried for me. it was always me reaching out to fix things no matter who’s ‘fault’ an issue was. and i dont want to do that for #the rest of my life. #and 2) so what! i was not happy with him. i was miserable to the point of sucidality while i was with him. if that’s my soulmate then i dont #want one! #and of course getting him out of my life hasn’t fixed everything. #i am still depressed sometimes. #but a year ago i was having daily anxiety attacks and physically self harming and making plans to kill myself #now the last time i had an anxiety attack was about a week ago. and i cant remember the one before that #ive been suicidal once that i can remember in the past two weeks and i had no plan and took no action toward it. #just last a few hours until i calmed down and ive been fine since. #its. really incredible. #how good for me cutting him out was. even if it made me miserable for awhile #i dont think i’ll be ‘over’ him for a long time. but i am at the very least able to say with certainty its a good thing hes out of my life #sorry for being cringe anyway. goodnight i love you

[waluigisgaybf]

Why do my really bad anxiety days always the days we run out of weed >:(

#I mean they happen otherwise too #and its not that anxiety specifically from wanting to smoke when I cant #but I swear we run right before or after I have a have a really bad out of nowhere anxiety spell #I feel so fucking garabagey rn :( #I just wanna play my game or even draw #but even while Im trying I just CANT focus and feel really really on edge and antsy #and also like curling into a ball and not doing anything what so ever #but also really really wanting something or someone to distract me #and weed helps big time when it happens #BUT OF COURSE WE HAVE NONE RN AND CANT GET MORE TILL THIS WEEKEND #I def have a problem and smoke WAY to fucking much #I wanna try working on cutting down on how much I smoke- #but tbh being jobless actually makes it way fucking harder #cause Im just always stuck around at home feeling extra shitty extra often #and the weed very very much helps my anxiety and my eating #BUT ALSO THE WEED WE GET SUCKS FUCKING ASS SO I DUNNO

[gommyworm]

:^}

#nothing like talking to my mom to make me completely unravel and reconsider every one of my life choices 🫠 #casual cry at work bc i dont know what to do with my life and i have no goals and i will never be well enough off to satisfy my mom looool #like i know shes scared bc we grew up super poor n she struggled to get where we are now massively but like #why do i need to make 200k to make her happy lol #like im making a decent salary at my full time job and i want to pursue more school so i can expand my horizons and look into diff careers #bc i find my job boring ! altho im very thankful for it ! #but i dont wanna do this for the rest of my life !!!! id literally rather be dead than sit at a desk writing emails for 40 years !!!!! #i was talking to her about going back to my uni and making my minor into a major so i can get a secdon degree #since i already took the majority of the courses i can finish the second degree in 1 year ! i already planned out all the courses n stuff! #but shes like what do u want to do with that why are u wasting ur time doing things that wont put more money in ur pocket #im gonna be applying for my masters this year anyway so i was like might as well do something entertaining with the next year #get a degree out of it n all and then hopefully attend my masters program the next year ? like isnt that cool and impressive or whatever ? #its for my ego ! it makes me feel like im progressing rather than staying stagnant at my job i dont like ! #but she just wants me to make more money lmao like i know moneys tight and its hard n everything #eugh #and shes like increasing the mortgage payments bc she qants to pay the house off asap but making our monthly bills cost more #so it always feels like were one step away from being in a hole we cant get ourselves out of #like why is my entire life focused on making money and supporting a famkly rn lmao im 25 and ive barely been able to live #i judt want to do soem things for myself ! make myself feel good about myself !!! #im sureounded by stem people with nice jobs and good degrees !! all these 22 year olds with masters under their belts and im stuck !!!! #boring and useless and havent lived up to any potential lol im so tired of my stupid inferiority complex i just want to feel like #an interesting and accomplished person like everyone expected me to be !!! especially myself !!!! #this fucking sucks #looking at law school applications again #might try to do an lsat in september or something ig #gommywords

[mrfoox]

People showing interest and consistent interest in me always makes me worried... Wish my mind wasn't this way

#miranda talking shit #I... Logically theres many more good reasons to it. But i doubt them all bc i cant imagine someone being genuinely #Interested in me. That goes triple with interest romantically or whatever. Some people have probably had some kind of interest like that #In me through my life but ive never understood or realized it. Bc i probably end up distancing myself bc im scared so they think im #Uninterested. Atm a guy from my courses have been messaging me a lot and for a week plus always answer quick even though i take 3-15 hours #And my mind is paranoid about it. Wish i could just enjoy attention normally but no my mind must ruin it for me. Like bro we are finally #Getting someone who wants to talk with us and puts down time to message us.... Embrace it. No instead its scary bc its not whats normal for #Me. I am probably scared of anyone caring for me bc i feel im not enough and i will disappoint them+am not worth it #Meanwhile i love everyone so much and care so hard but when anyone shows they do about me i either ... Repress it/ignore it or freak out #In my mind i always care more about everyone i like than they do me. I expect nothing of them. Expectations scare me so i never have them #negative