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httpknjoon · 11 months

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(re)starting over again | kth; 10

plot | Your four-year relationship with Taehyung was going well and strong. Until he was involved in a car accident, resulting to him losing some memories. By some, it means everything that happened five years ago. Things he remember? His friends, his bakeshop, and his ex girlfriend from the past. With that, you tried to keep up, restarting over again.

words | 4.3k+

genres | fluff, angst, amnesia au

pairing | taehyung x reader

warning/s | -

note | oh my god. hi, everyone! i'm still alive haha i apologize for the *long* delay. may wasn't my month 🙃 but now, i'm here and I split this chapter, so expect a 10.5. this is A LOT OF ANGST. no fluff for now. just full-on gloomy. also, i'll be replying to everyone who sent their asks soon! tysm for sending 'em. again, i apologize for the delay! enjoy reading :)

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Someone’s a little gloomy today.

The sound of echoing thunder woke you up today, along with the rings of your alarm in your phone. 5:15 AM. You groaned as the brightness from your phone’s screen hit your vision. After five more minutes of just staring at the most uninteresting wall in your room, you get up from your bed to prepare for work.

Unsurprisingly, your head feels heavy and so is your chest and eyes. Every step of your bare foot on the ground strangely felt like you were floating into space. The weather is cozy and cold, but you didn’t even flinch when the cold water hits your skin. You stood under the shower, the heater not even on, just staring at your feet.

I mean, he could have told me.

The sentence popped into your head. There is this part of you that is in between the scale of angry and sad after knowing about Lily visiting the bakeshop and talking to Taehyung. You wondered if Taehyung even had planned on telling you or if he don’t think he should have told you. You are starting to think he was only friendlier with you these past few days because he learned what happened between him and Lily. You’re beginning to think that he is only nicer to you now after bad their relationship went.

But did he even owe me that? I’m basically a stranger to him.

Another idea, opposite the other one, crossed your mind. You always try to be understanding and put yourself in his shoes in this confusing situation. The fact that your boyfriend doesn’t really have any idea who you are always staying in the back of your head. It’s always there as a reminder that Taehyung doesn’t know you. And his not telling you that he met up with his ex-girlfriend days ago confirmed that you are probably someone in the background for him. Someone… who suddenly lives in this house with him.

And thanks to that confirmation, more questions were formed by your brain.

You shut your eyes close and turned your head up, feeling the waterdrops on your face. Sighing, “Who even am I here?”

Taehyung, what am I even to you here?

The question floats in Taehyung’s head over and over again. The pain and confusion in your voice also play on a loop, adding weight to his shoulders and thorns in his throat. He wished he could answer that question easily, but he can’t. Seeing someone who treated him with care and kindness break down in front of him because of him is a slap on his face.

Because Lily is your girlfriend… right?

More guilt built up in him when he learned that you were aware that he still initially saw Lily as his girlfriend after he woke from the accident. It surprised him to hear you say that you cannot be mad with that. When you said that, he almost instantly wanted you to be angry at him, to let out every emotion you were feeling at the time.

Because you are too considerate and kind… and patient with him and this situation you’ve been put into. You didn’t even have to stay; you could’ve just left him the moment the doctor told you about his amnesia and all. But you stayed… and even looked after him for a whole month. Looking back at everything now, he knew. He should have just told you.

He thought you would be mad at him for reaching out to an ex. He didn’t know how you would react if he asked about Lily. He didn’t know you and he admit that was his fault. He has been working on knowing you these past few days, but now after last night, it felt too late. He should have made an effort earlier than this. As much as he hates it, Taehyung’s list of should haves is getting longer.

Now, a tray of chocolate chip cookies bakes in this oven you two have in your kitchen. He decided to make some after having trouble sleeping. He was shifting and turning on his bed for hours, possibly because of two causes: his head injury and you. Earlier, you were talking about how much you’ve been craving cookies. He knows that his cookies cannot resolve what’s going on right now, but he hoped that they will make you feel better. Even a little.

Taehyung managed to sleep for a couple of hours but still woke up later two hours past midnight. He quietly prepares and bakes the ingredients for the cookies. He was quick as it was the easiest pastry he can make. By the time he was putting the tray in the oven, he heard grumbles of thunder.

Should I put it in the jar? Or…

Almost thirty minutes past three, Taehyung yawned as he waited for the cookies to cool down before he stores them. He looked around your kitchen. In these quiet moments, he is finally starting to notice some details in some corners of this place. Particularly, the kitchen. He wondered if he picked the color of the walls or what to put in it when you two bought the house. His curiosity begins to grow about what you built together throughout your four-year relationship.

He wondered how great everything was before he lost his memories of the last five years.

You were supposed to leave at six o clock. But you didn’t realize how much you took your time with your thoughts that you ended up leaving twenty minutes late than your plan. Rushing to leave, you didn’t bother for breakfast and ran straight to the front door in your scrubs and jacket with backpack and umbrella in hand. If you still have time to spare when you arrive at the hospital, you’ll just buy something in its cafeteria.

As you get off the bus, you speed-walk to the hospital. You were too in a hurry to recognize who greeted you along the way, but you just greeted them back anyway. By the time you reached the locker room, you were catching your breath with less than ten minutes left to prepare for your shift.

Thank God, Jisoo’s not here. You sighed when you looked at yourself in front of the small mirror in your locker. Your eyes… were puffy. It’s not that bad. But everyone who will look directly at your eyes would tell the difference. You hoped no one else would notice.

“Good morning!”

Your eyebrows raised. Julia’s jolly greeting filled the quiet room when she entered. A couple of nurses who were also there greeted her back while you hid behind your locker door, trying to think of a quick remedy or even an explanation for your eyes. Because next to Jisoo, Julia is your closest friend here. She started working here two years ago. Her kind and sociable nature made her a friend to everyone. You three immediately went friends during a mutual graveyard shift schedule.

“Hey, YN. Good morning.” she opened her locker, which was next to yours.

You gulped, “Good morning, Ju.”

After one last look in the mirror, you closed the door. Julia was busy organizing her things in the locker, while she continues speaking.

“Jisoo’s already on break for her wedding, right?” she asked, still not giving you a glance.

“Ah, yes. For only one week though.” You replied, trying to act normal. You don’t know if you should go or wait for her to time in since you two usually do—with Jisoo if your shift schedule match up.

“You know, my dress for the weekend is still in the— Oh, what happened?”

In a quick glance, she immediately spotted a certain emotion on your face. Concern was written all over her face as she stopped and faced you.

“W-What?” you chuckled awkwardly, looking away.

“Why did you cry? What’s going on?” she asked softly, still worried. “Are you okay?”

Oh, that question. You don’t know what the hell that question has, it always breaks you down. You bit your lower lip as you looked back at Julia. You tried to hold on to the strings that were putting you together.

You sighed shakingly, “Yeah.”

A small, sad smile formed on her lips, “You sure?”

You feel like if you try to say anything again, it will just turn into a sob. So, you just nod. Unexpectedly, she reached out her arms and hugged you. Julia knew something was wrong. Well, she can definitely read through your eyes and the simple quirk of your lips that you probably don’t know you do whenever you’re bothered or tired. She can even feel the weight you’ve been carrying in an embrace.

“How about let’s go out together later? After this shift?” she offered.

“Sure.” You agreed, washing down any effort to put a useless mask on your emotions.

The cookies that he left on the kitchen counter for you were left untouched. He left it in a Tupperware, something that can fit in your backpack, along with a small post-it, written: cookies u can bring @ your shift today :)

He likes to think that the Tupperware probably went unnoticed by you instead of thinking that you ignored it. But what if you did? The idea of you being mad at him scares him.

“I swear, whoever will eat those cupcakes would choke on rainbow sprinkles.” Jimin entered the kitchen when Taehyung was just spacing out. He hung his coat behind the door and put on his apron. “What’s up?”

“Hmm?”

Jimin went on, “I arrived twenty minutes late and you already made two batches of blueberry cupcakes, one tray of snickerdoodles, and a lot of banana bread. What’s going on?”

Taehyung stared at him for a second, having battles in his head if he should tell his best friend about what happened. Jimin didn’t fail to remind him about telling you about Lily. And if he learns how you reacted last night—Oh, just sucked it up. Taehyung exhaled.

“YN learned about Lily.”

Jimin raised an eyebrow, “You told her?”

“She found through Lily herself,” Taehyung replied and he can read the confusion on his friend’s face.

“Huh?”

Taehyung went on telling how you and Lily introduced yourselves, how you introduced yourself as his friend, how Lily shared that she visited the bakeshop just last week, and how you remained quiet and bottled up with emotions until you two went home.

“She was so upset, she didn’t want to talk about it,” Taehyung recalled. “But she just broke down and she is still so nice in the middle of telling me how she feels. She told me that she cannot be mad at me for meeting up with Lily or for everything else. Because she understands. She always understands and I’m sure she is a wonderful person– but… But I really didn’t just give us a chance. She reminded me that we also happened after asking me who is she in this whole thing.”

He paused, remembering almost every word you said to him last night. He was too busy chasing what happened five years ago that he ignored someone and something important in his present time.

“Then, who is she to you?” his best friend asked.

“I… I don’t know.” Taehyung sighed, unsure. “But she’s not a stranger. Calling her a stranger would be an insult. I know she’s much more than that.”

There was a few seconds of silence. Taehyung looked down, resting his hands on his working table. Jimin just pats his shoulder for comfort. He knew saying things like I told you so or anything close to that is just useless. Taehyung already knew what he had done, he don’t need more reminders that he probably fucked up.

“Well, you need to figure that out.”

“I know.”

“I don’t know anymore, Ju.”

You wiped off the tears on your cheek as you confessed. Finally, after a whole day shift at the hospital, you get to open up to someone. As soon as you two left the hospital and changed into your casual clothes, Julia drove you two to her apartment since you don’t really feel like going anywhere. She ordered pizza and non-alcoholic drinks, which were delivered just minutes after you two arrived there.

No time was wasted. She didn’t even have to ask again for you to open up. For the last forty minutes, you’ve been telling whatever you feel like sharing to your friend. It did take off some weight on your chest as she listened and nods.

“I mean, I know that he’s just trying to know what happened between him and his ex. But I cannot understand why he didn’t tell me… Or maybe ask me about it. I know something about it. He told me how they broke up years ago. He told me what went wrong. Just like how I shared experiences with my past relationships too. And that’s how it used to be.” You reached for another tissue Julia offered. “We used to tell each other everything. Communication and honesty always mattered to him.”

“And it would have been nice if he let me know about his plans on talking with Lily. It’s perfectly fine by me. But he didn’t and now I’m starting to feel that he sees me as nothing. Just a person around him, who lives in the same house as him—or worse, he sees me as someone who just looks after him… like his nurse.”

The last thought squeezed your heart out. Taehyung even had a hard time introducing you yesterday to Lily. You took the initiative to introduce yourself to his ex as his friend. You don’t know what to feel about it. Should you be mad or sad? But can you blame him? You can never blame Taehyung. You always try to understand what he went through with that accident and what he is going through now. But as much as you hate to admit it…

“I feel like I’m burning out. I’m fucking drained.”

Another tear rolled down your cheeks while you shake your head. Saying that sentence felt like a confession of a crime. You don’t know why. You didn’t follow with another sentence again. Julia gave you a glass of water to help you calm down.

“You can take a break too, you know?” she whispered as you gulped in the liquid down your throat. “You can pause…”

Julia was gentle with her tone and choice of words.

“I think, you've already done enough. You took a month's leave to take care of Taehyung, to at least help him adjust to these big changes happen. You waited for him to ask about you or your relationship, which he did– Well, he tried. You are great. You were nothing caring and understanding for him and your relationship.” She paused and held your hand, preparing you for what she is about to say. “But he… he just has his eyes on people he knew before you.”

You almost hissed with the harsh sentiment of your friend. It felt like someone pulled the band-aid off your fresh, unhealed wound. But still, it felt like you needed to hear that. Julia, on the other hand, saw you flinch and held your palm tighter.

She continued, “The Taehyung you met before the accident is different from the Taehyung you live together now. As you said, five years ago, he went through a breakup with his ex. That breakup may have caused changes in him that made him into the Taehyung you initially met.”

It’s complicated. But you get what she is trying to say. A lot of things happened in Taehyung’s life before you two crossed paths. He broke up with Lily, and his bakery began to hit success and invest in other stuff in his life. A lot of other changes happened. Then, you two met through mutual friends.

“And please, YN, let yourself feel things.” Julia spoke suddenly, making you meet her gaze, “It’s unhealthy. Be sad, be mad, or be happy. Or simply take a break if you feel like it. Don’t deny yourself of feeling anything. You can be mad.” She said it like a reminder. “You have every right to feel so. I know you’re trying to justify Taehyung reaching out to an ex behind your back as part of this knotty situation. But at least, out of respect to you, he should have at least told you before or after he did so.”

“That’s why you’re so burnout right now, hon. You’ve done nothing but give and give. You forgot about your limits too… Are you even still okay working in the same hospital after everything?”

She asked and almost instantly, you remembered the night of the accident. You were waiting for your boyfriend to pick you up in the same spot you always waited in. Then, you received this call. Next thing you know, you’re seeing him getting pulled out of the ambulance. Bloody and bruised. Your stomach twisted with the recollection of his state that night. Thankfully, Julia called your name, snapping you out of your trance.

“Just know that you’re not alone in any of this. You don’t have to carry everything on your own. Jisoo and I are always here for you. And I really appreciate you opening up to me now.” She smiled softly before pulling you in for another hug.

After that hug, you two moved on to lighter topics. You asked her about her preparation for Jisoo and Namjoon’s special day at the end of the week. She talked about Chanyeol, her plus-one for the wedding. She shared about how things are going and you’re genuinely happy to see her happy. You ended up leaving at seven. Julia offered to drive you home, but you kindly refused, saying you need to be alone for a short while.

“Okay, just let me know when you got home.” She smiled and of course, was enveloped in the warmest hug you’ve ever received recently.

Just like when you left home earlier, the sky was dark and gloomy as you wait at the bus stop. Raindrops began falling just minutes after you got on the bus. You sat on the farthest empty seat your eyes spotted. Watching the raindrop rolling on the glass window, you thought about Julia and everything she said.

Change.

You wondered if change can help your emotional burnout while leaning your head on the cold surface of the vehicle. Truthfully, working in the same hospital after the accident is difficult. The first day you returned after your month-long leave you found yourself stopping in your tracks at every spot your feet took you that night of the accident. You also don’t enjoy the pity glances or smiles you get from your colleagues who knew about the accident. There were times, someone would approach you and say something nice or motivational. You appreciate the effort but it’s making your work more of a reminder than a distraction for what happened.

You get off the bus with a new idea and even more uncertainties in mind. You still felt like a deflating balloon floating your way to get home. After your breakdown, you wonder how Taehyung would react. He seemed pretty quiet last night. The Taehyung you know would prefer talking with you to at least mend these issues. But now, you’re really just tired and would rather organize your thoughts alone.

And when you walked up your front porch, you stopped as you saw the lights on in the kitchen. He’s home early. You turned the knob, preparing yourself with any awkward tension that is always suffocating. Walking in, a delicious smell of flavor filled your nostrils. You’re not planning to say anything but then, he greeted you.

“Oh, hey…”

It was short but soft. His lips formed a small, tight smile. He was indeed cooking as he holds a wooden spatula and you can hear the crinkling sound in the pan. You noticed he is wearing a familiar apron and a headband, exposing his forehead, to avoid his jet-black hair in sticking on the sweaty corners of his forehead.

“Hey.” you greeted back, forcing a polite smile on your lips. “You’re home?”

Taehyung noted the lack of any emotion in your voice or even eyes. You just looked exhausted. But he replied, “Yeah, we kinda closed early. Sold out.”

He smiled again, hoping that maybe you would smile back at him. You didn’t. Instead, you zipped your lips. And there it is. The awkward silence took over--not only the kitchen—but the whole house. He looked at you and you looked at him. It didn’t even last a couple of seconds. You looked away again, scratching your eyebrow.

“I should probably go—”

“I’m making dinner. Maybe—"

You two broke off the silence at the same time. You waited for him to continue but his nod asked you to resume.

“Yeah, uhm, I should go to my room.” You mumbled, not meeting his eyes. You just can’t.

It’s Taehyung’s turn to scratch the back of his neck, “Uhm, I made dinner. I was wondering if we can eat together.”

You timidly shake your head, “I’m kinda full… I had pizza with Julia. But thank you for the offer though.”

You were about to leave, wanting to leave this room since you were having the hardest time breathing with the thick tension. But Taehyung called your name,

“I was hoping we can talk… about everything.”

You turned around, finally looking at him. Suddenly, his heartbeat was louder than anything else for him. He can already see the rejection on your face. Like you’re not in the mood for anything that had to do with him. But he wishes his deduction is wrong. On the flip side, you can see his fingers fiddling with the spatula as he said that.

You exhaled, “I can’t, Taehyung. I really had a long day. I’m sorry—”

“No, it’s okay. Don’t apologize. We can talk whenever you’re ready.” He awkwardly raised his hands for thumbs-up. He saw your worried eyes landing on the dish he cooked. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll store it when it cools down. You can microwave it later if you get hungry.”

A simple, worn-out nod was your only reply before leaving him alone. His smile slowly fades as he turned down his chin.

He waited. Patiently. The morning after that, he waited for you to leave for work before he does. He goes home before you do. He prepared breakfasts and dinners for you, but you always seemed to be running late going to work and exhausted when you get home. And the rainy season didn’t stop. Taehyung once offered to walk you at least to the bus stop when you had a graveyard shift. He’s glad you didn’t decline and walked side by side with him under the umbrella.

“You know, you don’t have to do any of this.” You murmured in the middle of that five-minute walk to the bus stop. You were just looking ahead as you resumed, “You’re not obligated to do anything with me.”

“I wanted to do this.” He replied, glancing at you, hoping that he will meet your eyes. But he didn’t.

You didn’t say anything anymore. Even when you got on the bus and he handed you the extra umbrella he brought. But he really did. Even though you two haven’t really done a lot of activities together, he liked doing things with you or for you.

Now it’s been days since you broke down, you two still haven’t talked about it. Jimin told him to be patient and give you time. But the more time he gives you, the more he felt like you were already slowly drifting away from him.

“Are you sure? We still have space for another passenger.”

Taehyung heard you from the living room as he pulled his small luggage out of his room. He wore a white collared button-down, with the sleeves folded before it reached his elbows, tucked in beige suit pants.

“Okay, Ju. See you there. Take care.”

Your smile fades as you ended the call. With every emotion washed out on your face, you glanced up at him. Your eyes simply scanned him from head to toe before you spoke, “Let’s go?”

Jisoo and Namjoon will be having their rehearsal and the following dinner in the same area as their wedding. It’s in the same event place as their wedding venue. The couple already prepared rooms for a few guests, so that you can stay overnight for the wedding tomorrow. You, Taehyung, and Jimin will be carpooling in a rented car, with Jimin taking the wheel for an almost two-hour drive straight to the dinner event.

“Be careful, it’s fragile.”

You teased Jimin as he helped you carry the wedding gift for your soon-to-be-wedded friends. Taehyung carried yours and his luggage to the car.

“I am careful.” Jimin scoffed.

“Oh, I apologize. I’m just worried. You do have small hands.” You jested that made Taehyung choke and laugh.

“Ha. Ha. Ha.” His best friend laughed dryly, squinting his eyes at you. “You two are bullies! It’s not that small.”

You chuckled once again before stopping when Taehyung opened the backseat door for you.

“Thanks.” You mumbled.

Taehyung sat on the passenger seat while Jimin took the wheel. In the first quarter of the ride, you still managed to join chit-chat. Jimin was the one who sparked up topics, which you were grateful for as you don’t know what would happen if it’s just you and Taehyung in this car. But as time went on, you yawned and slowly lost yourself to take a nap.

a/n: i'm thinking of updating/resetting the taglist for this series. kindly comment below if you still want to be tagged. thank you so much for your support <3

taglist rules

RESTARTING OVER AGAIN TAGLIST [closed] @halesandy @boohoobabe @hopeonysus @taffyteffy @pnlpbnl @arusio @rpkth @cinnamonruts @xyahrinx @betysotelo18 @sugaslittlekookies @doublebunv @dahliasbouqet @lust-kth @aria-grace-scott @milkteallday @hoodalmighty @kiwuki @http-fayeradise @daydreamiies @starlight-night0 @chaoticbisous @mageprincess7 @byunniebaekhyunnie @hiimnothing @koreanaestheticc @shin-ie @blancflms @jeonkoookiee @satorinnie @rjsmochii @yoonglesdoll @somewhereinthestarss @turnthepageandbeburnt @heyjiminnie @bri-mal @teddybeartaetae @kaal-ee @nikkiordonez12 @motivatedprocastinator @butterflieshee @iamkookiesforyou

PERMANENT TAGLIST

@dunixxd @cixrosie @jksjx @embrace-themagic @buttvi @starbtslove @missseoulite @vanntaesworld @kenqki @miyukihoshi @stopeatread @seolaquotes @greyrain23 @chimchimmarie @petalsofink @jayhope88 @moonchild1

#bts angst #bts fluff #bts x reader #bts series #bts imagine #bts au #bts amnesia #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #taehyung au #taehyung amnesia #taehyung imagine #taehyung fanfic #restarting over again kth

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nightgoodomens · 2 months

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He is literally just answering the question. https://twitter.com/thewhitecurl/status/1356323895817760768 It seems like if poly marriage was legalised in the UK, and they got married, people would STILL say they're just giving the fans what they want. That is such a stupid argument in itself, which brings me to another point.

Look at Pedro Pascal and Oscar Isaac as an example. Their fans are perfectly happy with a platonic bromance. Pedro is always hanging out with Oscar and his wife & kids at Oscar's house, or in public. They always seem to be video chatting when they're not together, but there are zero rumours of any romantic or poly situation happening with them. Everyone still thinks they're adorable, enough so that they beat out David and Michael on the DILF list when Pedro isn't even a father. Would we not be equally as happy for DT & MS to have a relationship like theirs? I'm quite sure we would be. The difference is when you look at Pedro and Oscar, you see BFFs. When they are interviewed together that is how they interact. When you look at our boys together, they gaze at each other like they are the only two people in the room/universe. They look like they're restraining themselves from pouncing on each other. Both relationships ARE adorable but they are NOT at all the same thing. I do not understand how these anti people call us delusional for seeing the difference when it is so obvious compared to an actual "just best friends" relationship.

Sorry for the long post. Originally, I only wanted to mention the partner video because I have been watching it on repeat lately. Then my ADHD brain went on a tangent. Also, Thank you for your blog! I live on the other side of the world and it is literally the first thing I read every morning… Sometimes I even check it in the middle of the night if I know it's going to be a big day, haha.

Oh anon you just made a perfect comparison!

Oscar and Pedro… this is how two dumbass besties act 😂 they’re normal about it, they take the piss out of each other, they joke, they take hilarious pics together. They’re normal about it all because it is just a bloody good friendship. There’s nothing to hide or be weird about.

When people always use the argument regarding MS and DT - omg my besties and I act like this too - they mean like Oscar and Pedro.

Not the shit that MS and DT have been pulling from the beginning. I really think that people got so conditioned to the antics they and the partners have been doing that they forgot how it looks when it is just two dudes who are besties. Im just surprised that after all the hard work they’ve put in the last few months people still think this is all basic friends behaviour and nothing is happening. If they don’t want to see it that’s fine but thinking they’re better for not seeing it … it’s quite hilarious.

I barely take notice of antis to be fair. Bunch of twats spending their free time obsessively reading blogs they hate to have meltdowns about it and constantly using words they don’t understand like “sexism” “delusional” or “depraved” and patting each other on the back. Let them swim in their bile of hate, I’d rather spend my time chatting happily about the new things MS/DT did. If I’m depraved for thinking two dudes are in love then no problem!

First thing you read in the morning? At night? Anon you are an angel. I never thought anyone will care what I think 😂 Thank you that actually means a lot 😘

#NightGoodOmens talks PR

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wolfythewitch · 1 year

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Hiii, italian nerd anon here! Saw you mentioning you "could" add the Divine Comedy on your list and I arose, since you know, I did my university thesis on it XD Okay so, it's of course a very heavy read, basically every inch of it is full of metaphors and references something else, sometimes storical, sometimes mythological, sometimes about literature. But not everything is necessary to understand it, of course: even with the minimum, I think it's a beautiful read. I would suggest a version with less notes and a good translation of the verses, but I would not suggest a retelling, since it's something that has to be approached in verses imho. I have read it in english a couple of times and unfortunately there are things that gets literally lost in translation, but it's a beautiful read nonetheless. (I would suggest even just to hear some parts in italian, just to hear how it sounds)

My thesis was on how the Divine Comedy could be a fun read, and I still stand by it. I, uhm, just want to say something that I hope doesn't come off wrong (if it does I'm sorry, I swear I don't want to offend): it's of course heavy on the religion part, medieval christianity. I'm an atheist myself, but I saw your vent comic, and I don't know if it could trigger you in some ways. That's all I wanted to say :) I think it's perfect at the end of your list - also because it does reference a lot of those greek tragedies, so it's nice if you know what they're about already! XD <3

Ooo noted!! Yeah the fact that its a heavy read is my current only deterrent HAHA since me and English are very reluctant friends

My library has a book on it so I'll try to check it out and see if it doesn't make my brain explode! If that doesn't work I might grab an audiobook

Also don't worry anon I have a complicated history with religion but by God religious imagery is my indulgence. (I say this, having just posted an animatic of an ex convict and a bishop) many things went wrong with Christianity but the stained glass windows they got absolutely right

#wolfy tedtalks #anon

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alicedrawslesmis · 26 days

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I hope my presence here hasn't been just me complaining, cause I haven't dedicated myself to art in a while lol I am Burned Out... I don't like being a negative presence

in the Positivistic sense not in the new age sense? you know? not pretending to be happy when things are bad, I want my presence to be pulsating with life even if I'm sad or angry or numb. I try not to fall into negation. Most millennial humor I grew up with is this kinda ironic 'haha I'm so depressed 🤪' thing I just don't vibe with at all. I like feeling all my feelings. If I'm depressed and numb to it all then good, lets explore that. If I'm lost and aimless then good, let's be aimless and see where this can lead me to. I want to feel the full breadth of human experience and not live life negating it. I want to reflect on what I'm doing I want to create new things! Work with the world and not despite it

but unfortunately cause I'm totally lost at sea rn this means my posts are lacking and so the internet "persona" ends up being only someone who complains. That's not where I'm at. I don't even know if this makes sense to other people who can't see my brain, am I even making sense. Anyway

I am experimenting with a lot of things art-wise to get my groove on. I've bean reading a bunch. I've been lifting weights which is turns out is super fun and I should've started ages ago. Like I didn't believe the gym could be fun, I thought people were just faking it but it turns out like. It's just self expression like any other activity. And I love to see number go up. And I love making that face you do when you're lifting heavy weights you know the one? And grunting. It's very freeing to just be able to do that. Like all my life I've been bogged down by thinking the gym is for assholes and that I should try to do the Normal Sports that I honestly fucking hate. I hate ball sports. I don't understand swimming as a sport you're trapped doing laps in that freaking pool it's the most boring sport of all time. Sure I liked thinking about nothing and swimming but laps in a pool?? Devil invention. Running is kinda the same although you can run interesting places and aren't trapped in a blue rectangle. Just do the sport you actually want to do. Go to a fight club idk. Learn to kickbox. Punch some stuff. Do push ups, I love doing push ups.

What else? I've been walking my dog for 2hours every day late in the afternoon and getting to hang with his friends at the dog park. He isn't very friendly but he's also not aggressive so it's mostly chill. He's made a friend named Draco Malfoy (she made sure to tell me it was her kid daughter's idea) and everyone calls my dog Sirius Black cause he's got black fur and is, and this is the technical term, giant. Kind of annoying that Harry Potter is still the main thing people go to to describe him. Except for one security guard who I thought was gonna say he looks like Sirius but then said he looks like Sam from Twilight. This was an awesome day

I've been trying to sew and mend my clothes. I replaced the buckle in my bag cause it was broken and I feel kind of amazing about it.

I've been writing some stuff. All unfinished yet. I want to see if I can finish the short story I've been trying to work on besides the Les Mis scripts. I have trouble finishing things I write, which is a problem that, if AO3 is any indication, is probably the world's most common roadblock in writing.

Went to the satanic themed goth club on good friday, that was so fun. We had a blast. Place was PACKED. All goths have the same sense of humor.

I guess that's it for life stuff. I do feel kinda bad that I can't get myself to make fanart right now. I'm just having thoughts on the nature of art and of fanart and the impact of it on the world as a whole. And particularly thoughts on social media and the internet and what it even *is*. What is it for? We really need to work that out.

#personal #it's just a long post not a sad post. just little life updates

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keijislvr · 2 years

Text

random third year!seijoh hcs

cw: swearing and that's it i think, there's lots of cuteness and fluff bc i love them sm my simp definitely shows through <3

makki is non-binary and uses they/them pronouns. they were a nervous to tell the team, but mattsun had convinced them at worst, there could be some confusion or curiosity, but none of it would come from a bad place, and so they went ahead and dropped it into conversation amongst the usual chatter in the locker room. much to their delight nothing changed it was never going to anyways, but you can’t blame the baby for having their worries other than the use of pronouns, of course.

what takahiro doesn’t know is that oikawa, who had pre-empted this months in advance of actually being told, had been sending links of articles, videos and even tiktoks about gender identity, different pronouns and being non-binary to each team member separately excluding makki ofc pretending he thought they’d “be really interested in this thing i read/watched earlier!”

its a lie. of course its a lie. tooru just doesn’t want people hassling his best friend with questions about things that can easily be googled, especially since makki gets overwhelmed easily. plus he could tell it had been weighing on their mind a lot. he knows. he just DOES BECAUSE OIKAWA TOORU IS GREAT AND OBSERVANT FRIEND WHO ISN’T SELF OBSESSED OKAY AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL BECAUSE IM SO TIRED OF HIM BEING SEEN AS THIS SELFISH LITTLE BRAT HE LOVES HIS FRIENDS LOVES THEM I TELL YOU AND— tooru knows before hiro tells him, he just pretends he doesn’t

i’m telling you, iwa is probably the one that’s actually the most dense when it comes to these things...hell the boy didn’t even know issei was bi, which is strange considering he literally wears a heart-shaped ring with the flag colours on it. and has matching hair clips which he wears on his jean pockets. and a graphic tee with obnoxiously bright lettering spelling out “just passing bi ;)”

okay so maybe hajime is a little bit oblivious

which somehow brings me onto my next point!!! contrary to common belief, these babies are actually very intelligent, not only in terms of volleyball but also in their academics. and i mean all four of them, not just iwa! every! single! one!

each of them has a particular subject they excel in and they essentially, you know . share the brain cells . but in a smart way

(don’t get me wrong, they’re school smart and volleyball smart, but they lack logic and any semblance of regret. it leads to chaos and way too many detentions.)

tooru adores literature and history and probably spends his spare time reciting dramatic monologues in his mirror. also can and will talk your ear off about the different literary movements and how they reflect events in history. wears his glasses so he can pretend to be an expert, chatting away about his field of work fucking nerd lmao

mattsun is a chemistry and physics whizz but for the life of him cannot understand biology because “tHERE’S TOO MANY BODY PARTS I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ABOUTTTT”

he’s just lucky that hanamaki is an ace at bio and could probably memorise an anatomy chart with just one look :o

speaking of makki, their second best subject is defo art and art history! something about them just screams knowledgeable about painting techniques okay, like you’re telling me this lil baby wouldn't be walking around an art gallery spouting out random facts about artists??? because if so, you’re wrong ;)

it’s shocking when you first get to know them but later on it kinda just . makes sense

and then iwa! iwa has the seijoh 4 covered on the maths and languages part (okay but just imagine him picking up different languages easily??? hot. oiks is jealous, especially when haji sounds more fluent than him in spanish post timeskip haha

they regularly have study dates .

tooru loves making it aesthetic

seriously, you’d think he had a fairy light addiction or smthn

it usually ends with them getting distracted and having debates about things completely off topic

“tHE MIDDLE OF JAFFA CAKES IS NOT MARMALADE YOU H E A T H E N WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!?!?!???”

“WHAT IS IT THEN . HUH WHAT IS IWA-CHAN????? SINCE YOU’RE SUCH AN EXPERT IN THE FIELD—”

“ORANGE . JELLY . WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE!?”

“ITS NOT JELLY DUMBASS, JELLY WIGGLES! DOES THE MIDDLE OF A JAFFA CAKE WIGGLE???? NO, NO THE FUCK IT DOESN—”

“i thought it was lemon flavoured?”

“.......” “what!?”

“m-makki, bane of my existence and object of all my desires, my soulmate, the love of my life, definitely in that order—”

“ORANGE HIRO???? THE MIDDLE IS LITERALLY THE COLOUR ORANGE????”

“but....but you cant see the middle? so why the fuck would i—why are you looking at me like that!?”

“YOU EAT IT ALL IN ONE???”

“YOU DON'T!?”

“I PEEL THE CHOCOLATE OFF, EAT THE CAKE BIT AND THEN EAT THE MIDDLE LIKE ANY SANE PERSON WTF”

and so another debate begins can u tell i’ve had this exact debate with my friends

on a completely unrelated note because i can’t concentrate for the life of me

seijoh 4 going thrifting!!!! getting boba!!!!! and sushi!!!!! and just enjoying themselves because they’re precious and deserve it :(

iwa dragging the other three around the vintage clothing shops to look at the cool sweatshirts they have

mattsun having a little collection of thrifted trinkets (his fav is a tiny porcelain elephant that oikawa picked out! he has it on his window sill! if anyone breaks it he will cry!)

TOORU IS THE TYPE TO BUY THINGS THAT REMIND HIM OF HIS FRIENDS AND RANDOMLY GIVE THEM GIFTS!!!!!!!

makki always manages to get the best jewelry at thrift shops, they’re like a magpie they see smthn shiny and.....oh...yeah, you’ve lost them

iwa: hey hiro, what d’ya think about this vase?

makki: *sees a sparkly ring*

iwa: didn’t your mum say she wanted—

makki: *fuckin naruto runs their ass over to the shiny stuff*

iwa:.......or not

mattsun wears crop tops you can’t change my mind

his style is very masc, lots of leather, silver accessories and dark colour pallets so he tends to go with a nice white or cream coloured tank top that shows of his lil tummy :)

issei bellybutton piercing petition???

the others have to beg him to wear y’know. actual colours every now and again

other than the just passing bi top (and the vb kit obvs) he really sticks to black, white and grey

hanamaki also sticks fast to their aesthetic ;) which is really just the colour brown LMAO

likes soft materials! big knit jumpers and looser jeans are also definitely a staple, probably coupled with gold jewelry (i think it would look pretty with their hair akahwbw)

has these really beaten up grey white converse that they refuse to let go of until they literally have like 5 holes in them and the other three buy them a new pair for their birthday

OMG SPEAKIMG OF SHOES

ONE TIME OIKAWA WAS FUCKING AROUKD WITH THE ZIPPER ON HAJIME’S DOCS AND IT KABWHW FUCKING BROKE

LIKE THEYBWERE ON A TRAIN AND HE DEADASS BROKE HIS SHOE

IWA WENT THROUGH ALL THE STAGES OF GRIEF

OIKAWA WAS DESPERATELY TRYIGN TO YOUTUBE QUICK FIXES

MEANWHILE HIRO AND ISSEI ARE BUSTING THEIR LUNGS IN THE BACKGROUND BECAUSE HOW IS IWA GONNA WALK AROUND TOKYO WITH ONLY ONE FUNCTIONING SHOE

poor iwaizumi

he got his shoe fixed

.......2 months later

BUT tooru payed financially and physically and that’s the main thing

yes so iwa swings between aesthetics tbh, he’s a it just depends on the day type of guy

usually dons casual clothes though if they’re not going out, big shirts and loose sweats or gym shorts are his thing

he has mattsun’s hoodie from nearly 2 years ago and refuses to give it back

coincidentally, the only time mattsun wants to wear the hoodie is when iwa has it on

true best friend behaviour

honestly with oikawa i’d say he’s pretty casual too! practically loves in his seijoh jersey (wanna bet that he doesn’t wash it all too often?)

he likes the preppy style too, especially with his glasses and all </3

nerdy tooru with his little glasses, studying his pretty head off has my fucking HEART LIKE GODDAMN IT THIS BOY IS SO CUTE

they’re all just babies i love them :3

makki painting their nails!! even better, oikawa painting makki’s nails!! since he has the steadiest hands and all!!

“ohhh makki what colour are you going for today?”

“hm, they’re going for red—”

“oOPS—SORRY HIRO, GOTTA GO, ASK ISSEI TO FINISH YOUR LEFT HAND FOR YOU—AHHHHHHHHH NOT MY NOSE—”

“rED LIKE THE COLOUR OF YOUR BLOOD ON MY FIST SHITTYKAWA!!!!! HOW DARE YOU SEND MADOG MY BABY PICTURES!!!!!”

one day . their homeroom teacher wants one normal day .

they initially were in different homerooms, but after discovering that it’s literally impossible to keep them apart, even if you put them on different sides of the school, their teachers quickly signed their transfer slips

i’d say one factor for that was when matsukawa suddenly popped up behind tooru 45 minutes into the class

no one knows how he got there

or why he was there

not even tooru

but they did know what happened next

cheeto dust . cheeto dust flew

EVERYWHERE

that's right dear readers, this 6 ft something, muscle man at the age of 18 IS FUCKING INCAPABLE OF OPENING A BAG OF CRISPS PROPERLY

OIKAWA PRETENDED NOT TO KNOW HIM LMAOOOO

(and issei sulked because of it. he had to be bought boba just so he would stop whining about how mean everyone is.)

((what i mean by that is, hanamaki all but shoved the drink down his throat to shut him up))

oh they have cuddle nights :o

usually they're round iwa’s house, because he has two spare blow up beds!! they just push them together and try and squeeze in together

it never works

never

and it's always poor tooru that suffers haha

he always gets put on the edge because he’s the best at dealing with horror movies (why they insist on have scary movie marathons despite being C O W A R D S is besides me) which means he has to balance himself on the corner of the futon because eVERYONE ELSE TAKES UP SM ROOM

makki (the resident wimp) always claims iwa as a cuddle partner aka has hajime as a sacrifice if the occasion calls for it and curls into his chest like a lil b a b ie but they both still take up quite a lot of room, being tall ass vb players and all

(hiro drools on iwa’s godzilla shirt every time. and gets smacked every time. they claim its worth it though)

and mattsun is just inconvenient with his long limbs and stUPID HABIT OF SLEEPING IN A STARFISH POSITION

HE ALWAYS WACKS OIKS IN THE FACE

#ENDTHECAPTAIN'SSUFFERING

their parents defo have multiple pictures of said cuddle sessions because they’re never above teasing their lil babies <33 “you may be eighteen, but you’ll always be our little cuties!”

omg i bet issei is a really good baker :o

imagine him with a frilly apron ugh that's so sexy of him tbh

he definitely presses flowers too :) OH IF HE GOES ON A DATE AND THEY GIVE HIM FLOWERS HE PRESSES THE PETALS AND KEEPS THEM IN THE BACK OF HIS PHONE CASE OR SMTHN :((

speaking of phone cases, iwaizumi definitely has to have one of those military grade protection cases because he drops his phone so much

takahiro has one covered in random stickers and doddles they drew on with permanent marker

tooru has a clear one with a polaroid of all of them together ++ his id card behind it because you never know when you’ll need it

he also has one of those beaded phone chains that mattsun gave him for his birthday :)

really they all just treasure the gifts they get each other akajwhw

they’re so cute <333

i love them, they love each other, i better stop with these hcs or i’ll go on forever aAA

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #oikawa tooru #iwaizumi hajime #matsukawa issei #hanamaki takahiro #haikyuu headcanons #oikawa headcanons #iwaizumi headcanons #matsukawa headcanons #hanamaki headcanons #oikawa hcs #iwaizumi hcs #hanamaki hcs #matsukawa hcs

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ruleofrosethorns · 1 year

Text

notes for kuwtm!! (since some of yall seem to really enjoy this au)

the main au takes place a few months after SH3

james is here because harry kinda just felt like visiting sh after a couple of years and lo n behold

CAR IN TOLUCA LAKE FEAT. DEPRESSED WET CAT!!

he saved wittle old james and the rest is history

Harry DID NOT DIE because his protective bf (james) saved his sleepy ass

they decided to go on a road trip to Silent Hill and fuck around for a bit

(i might start writing a separate thing for that hehe)

anyway at some point harry got separated from the gang(tm) and went to alchemilla hospital

AND HOLY SHIT LISA IS HERE SHE IS VIBING

(oh and Maria was out and about terrorizing James like old times <3)

pretty much there's just a group of monsters who are kinda just hanging out and smoking weed

they're cool w/ the gang and through undisclosed plot developments i'm still tryna work out in my brain-

the weed-smoking sh group survives the purge of Harold Mason and move into the human world

not directly next to but in the same area as the Masons (much to their concern (except for Heather))

and thus, the mlm wlw rivalry begins /j

Heather enjoys hanging out w/ them but Harry and James are UNDERSTANDABLY conflicted

like idk bro letting our adopted daughter hang out with the manifestations of my guilt seems kinda wack...

but regardless they all love Lisa because she has never done anything wrong ever

Harry's alright(???) w/ Maria and PH?? James is mostly just annoyed by Maria and PANICKED BY PH

Harry and Lisa are honorary siblings <3 they didn't really get to know each other during SH but that all changed when Lisa moved in

Maria and Lisa are in love and sort of formed a found family with the monsters. co-workers of the otherworld ig

the monsters sort of look up to Maria and Lisa as mother figures, PH being the weird uncle that they all love bc he supplies them weed

James & Harry tend to COINCIDENCELY run into Maria & Lisa whenever they go on a date its an ongoing issue

Most of the monsters can't really go outside?? (y'know because grotesque eldritch horrors aren't "allowed" in public SMH)

So Maria, Lisa & Heather usually go on shopping sprees to get their demonic buddies things that they want

Unfortunately Lisa sometimes starts leaking blood so that's sometimes an issue

(she has to inhale & hold her breath to keep it at bay for long periods of time)

She is like a balloon

ALSO Harry is still an author!! He's moved away from murder mystery's and works on supernatural horror & non-fiction novels about certain cults...

NOT BECAUSE OF SH OR ANYTHING HAHA

James doesn't really have a job.

he just sort of fucks around and gets a new part time job every time the last one realizes he has been legally declared missing for 12-13 years

Heather's still in school (doing her last year), had to repeat once because of SH3 kinda resulting in her family needing a REAL vacation

Maria and Lisa don't have jobs. No one knows how they managed to rent a house. James thinks they probably killed the landlord.

Like seriously, where does their money keep coming from.

Heather asked one day and Lisa spoiled the mystery by admitting they sell random demonic items they find in the Otherworld.

SPEAKING OF HEATHER. she is a girl liker. i don't make the rules (i do)

Harry is also teaching her piano (yknow for puzzle related purposes), James "trys" to help her maths homework to various degrees of success.

James does most of the cooking, but can and will resort to eating dirt if needed.

(He doesn't cook because he's good at it or enjoys it tho. it's not like he is better than Harry at cooking-he just REALLY wants to help out around the house)

Oh also James & Harry got married a few years before the events of SH3. It was a tough decision for them at first but Heather helped them work things out

(She also hijacked the music at the reception and played My Chemical Romance)

Maria n Lisa had thought about marriage but they're sort of stuck with each other for eternity sooOo

LEMME TALK ABOUT HARRIA REAL QUICK (yes harv i have coined that name it is TOO GOOD)

So Maria is directly, y'know, connected to James' subconscious, so she can go back and forth between the forms

Again, James fell in luv w/ Harry and SH panicked and said "FUCK MARIA CHANGE UR PFP"

At first she didn't have much control over it?? So like a year after SH2, Maria's just chilling w/ Lisa and then POOF

HARRIA. And Lisa's like "AYO :O I KNOW THAT GUY?!" So they found out about the boyfriends PRETTY early on

It took a few months, but she managed to figure out how to shapeshift at will. Turns out shes genderfluid!

But after SH3 she doesn't use it that much (yknow considering harry is RIGHT THERE) but she will shapeshift just to fuck w/ people

James is ashamed to admit he actually fell for it once (he was SLEEPY and half-awake, okay?!)

Harry was a lil bit freaked out at first but now he just thinks it's kinda cool

Heather just thinks it funny that this eldritch demonic horror from another world is basically just a yassified vers of her dad and James' ex-wife

>:3

#OVER 900 WORDS MY LORD I'VE WRITTEN AN ESSAY ON THESE SILLY GAYS #kuwtm #keeping up with the masons #silent hill #harry mason #james sunderland #heather mason #lisa garland #maria silent hill #tw long post

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marshmallowprotection · 1 year

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I would like to tell you something. I am a person who loves Saeran very much, as well as his route and after finishing, I feel quite satisfied that I helped him to get his happy ending. I just want to protect him and tell him every day how much I love and admire him. However, there was a moment when my love for him broke, I don't know how to say it, I couldn't love him like I used to, it felt so weird and painful.... Do you know why? 5 months ago I wanted to play his route again and when Suit Saeran arrived with his insults and everything.... Specifically in the scene where he grabs my shoulders and says he's capable of killing me something in me snapped.... And it's the strangest thing that ever happened to me! I had played the route several times before and although his words hurt me at the time they didn't affect me as much as they did 5 months ago. I couldn't stop hearing his insults in my head; that I'm worthless, that I'm dumb, stupid, that I annoy him, that he hates me, etc. I felt really bad. When I was with GE Saeran and he was treating me sweetly a part of my brain was telling me that he was lying to me, that he doesn't really love me and that as soon as I turn around he will hurt me :'(

I seriously had a really hard time during those 5 months, I just wanted to imagine cute scenarios with him but I always came back to see Suit yelling at me and ruining everything. I came to the conclusion that I was too scared of him (I was scared to be scared of him! I love him so much).

I understood everything that was happening to him and I sincerely forgave him.

All this made me question many things: did I really forgive him? do I love him? does Saeran love me?

I tried to solve it: playing the route, watching fanarts, reading fanfics and your blog of course! everything that would help me to love Saeran like before and it didn't work....

So I had no choice but to give myself some time, yes, I had to stay away from Saeran for a while to see if I could calm down and get those negative thoughts out. I tried to do other things, think about other things.... I wanted to take some time for myself and understand myself.

Fortunately, about a week ago I started thinking about Saeran again. And guess what! All the fear I had of him vanished, I was happy again in my imagination with him! It was like finding peace. I know it all started with Suit Saeran and yes, it's completely valid to think that what he did to me was very wrong but I forgive him because I understand him and I want him to know that I love him as much as I love Ray. I rewatched the story mode when he asks for my forgiveness and all that fear I had for him went away and now I'm happy.

I wanted to tell you that haha and know what you think about it. I also want to tell you that I love your blog and I'm glad to read everything you tell about Saeran in all its versions. I hope you too continue to love him as much as I do. Take care!

I think it's perfectly justifiable to go through what you went through. You're allowed to be angry and upset with him about all the things that happened. He understands if you are upset with him and if you need time to come to terms with everything that happened.

If you want nothing to do with him, he would understand it 100%. He wouldn't push the subject or make you feel like you need to forgive him. He makes it clear when he apologizes to you that you don't need to accept his apology. He holds himself accountable and he promises to make things right. But, you don't have to forgive him immediately. You don't have to click that option if you don't feel ready.

I think that might be a healthy response for most people. He doesn't expect you to forgive him. He certainly doesn't forgive himself. He's going to be carrying what he did on his back for a long time. It isn’t until GE Saeran confronts his demons that he can forgive himself for what happened with Suit Saeran. It takes confronting the very things that brought him to be so angry in the first place for him to forgive himself after you have decided to forgive him.

You needed time and energy to be able to confront all of your feelings about it. That is only natural. You needed time to come to terms with all of it. It makes sense. I'm glad that you were able to take some time away from him to think about why it made you scared and what you needed to think about to be able to be comfortable with him again.

I'm glad that you have him as a comfort character and that you have been able to make peace with the conflicts that happened.

Saeran loves you. You should never ever doubt that. That fact will always remain unchanging until the end of time. He will love you anew just like every season. That's what his Love Song speaks to. It is a love that will only continue to grow every time the seasons come and go.

#ask #anon #mod kait #suit saeran

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birdie-ghost · 2 years

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May I ask, how do you go on and plan out your comics or work?

I am actually in the midst of working on my own au. I am only on the outline rn, since I had to change some of what is canon vs what isnt. Just so it makes sense following my OWN au.

;_;

I thought maybe, if I saw or learned how you planned out your work,

It may help with the process not being soo overwhelming:")

It's quite alright if you don't want to really. I get it that you have many others ask to look into and busy yourself with your own work :00!!

But regardless, i thank you in advance <33

Well..... it all starts by contracting fandom brain rot at some point in time, sometimes its cus your friends drag you into their hyperfixation and other times its just cus the internet is the internet.

But actually normally I just doodle stuff!! I have a bunch of those little 5 dollar books you can get at michaels that are dot-grided. And I just draw little mini interactions, no boarders or words, just the characters faces. It's like playing with dolls but instead you're drawing the characters while you do it lol

That gives me the ideas and helps me have more of an understanding of how I'm gonna write the characters and such. Now, I would reccommennnnnd writing and planning out a general idea for what you want your story to be,not in depth like a fanfiction, more like a brainstorm, use whatever method you like lol. I usually do a tree or just a list of points that I want to show up in the comic. When I write out those points it helps me make the in-between more clearly conected and filled. You don't have to though it just helps if you're doing a longer-run comic.

Thumbnail!! I went on a whole post about this a little while ago but this question is slightly different haha

Sometimes things might not look exactly how you like, but if you're really commited to it there is a certan point where you just need to say "fuck it" and move on. I have a good couple of frames and pages in my own comics where I've had to do this. It's really hard to get everything to look exactly right every time, and it's okay for things to be less clean then others sometimes!!

And finally, just start, don't worry about the details so much. everyone starts somewhere and I don't want to hear you go on about how you're "not good enough yet" Cus I call BULLSHIT!!

#birdieghostalks #ask #answer #anon #art advice #i am not that good at giving art advice but I try #so please dont take my words as law just me poorly putting my process into words

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fortnightthere · 7 months

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this is super late but i was scrolling your blog (hi i’m in ur walls) but advice on moving on:

it’s not about not thinking about the thing/person you’re moving on from; trying to do that means your brain will constantly loop back. it’s not about being fully happy even. moving on is a journey that continues over the span of weeks and months.

there’s no right or wrong way to do it, but there is a kind way to do it- forgive yourself for mental lapses where you focus on what you want to move on from and grieve the loss again. understand all wounds take time, and let yourself grieve. it’s a natural part of it all! and every time you miss the person/thing, allow yourself to process that, and then take the time to focus your thoughts on a positive outcome of the loss.

i hope this makes sense, i’m very sleepy still, but hopefully this helps! handle yourself and your emotions with the gentleness you would afford to others, you deserve it 💜

thank you for sending this, i really needed it <333 i guess i just wonder how long it'll take, because this has been going on for two years and last time i had the chance to i went out with him which really didn't help and doesn't make me trust my decisions any better lol :// i just feel like when i try to help and process, i just make it worse. i'm working on just trying to imagine the person i will be when i get out of this though!! it can only get better etc etc haha l just really wish the process would be shorter jskdjskdj

#i meet you in warm conversation*#mutuals <333 #thank you for sending this!! ily <33 #j

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yakultstanreblog · 1 month

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I ain't scared, I just thought I might get the most best answer this way..I'm wondering what poet or poem you read (or were read in your childhood) that had you looking for more and aspiring to write your own? If it was a traumatic event, I feel you there. .it can really help to read a complete stranger's words of pain, when they harmonize with our own. I admit, I have only read a couple of your poems but I love your voice, keep on keepin on ☮️ 🕉 💛

HAHA DW I LOVE ANONS <33333 I encourage it.

HONESTLY no poetry inspired me to write poetry (IRONIC) I thought I hated poetry!!!! I’ve written many things since I was a kid but always been more of an essay kinda dude..I attempted to read poetry a few times over my lifetime and mostly it made no sense to me..I thought it was just a bunch of pretentious ppl flexing their advanced vocab (which honestly I lack bc of a whole other story I won’t get into and maybe I was just jealous) - the only time I wrote a poem was back in final yr of highschool lit class when my brain was malnourished af and writing it made me want to kms plus I had major imposter syndrome (and then my lovely grandma went and sent it in to a poetry magazine without me knowing and it got published and still I didn’t think poetry was for me) only in more recent times I no longer have access to a psych who I can send weekly 3000 word emails to and I needed to do something so that I would stop driving myself completely insane bc I also live alone 4hrs from family and no friends so have noone to save me but myself so I started writing every day on wattpad like a digital diary entry(today was day 118 in a row) then I started to see others who had written poetry and combined w the fact that I’ve come very far over the yrs in terms with perfectionism (as in not needing to be) I found myself in a place realising that poetry didn’t have to be “good” and that I could just make it work for me. I could just write for myself. To get things out (even tho it’s only like 5% of my mind). It didn’t need to look impressive for others etc like what I used to think poetry did… so yeah basically poetry is just my budget therapy now and a tool to prevent me from ending things :))))) everything I write about (so far, at time of writing) is from real life experience and I love using it as an outlet to say the things that wouldn’t be taken so well if they were said out loud.. cause everyone has some sort of darker side whether they are exposed to it or not and whilst I do hold onto a lot of hope I love being able to have an outlet to get the rot out of me or at least create something with it so it’s not completely useless and all consuming. ALSO I think it’s cool that poetry allows you to turn your words into art. I’ve always loved art and ppl consider me arty or whatevs but I can’t draw or paint (well - not that it matters) so this is kinda something that comes more naturally to me! (I’ve only been writing poetry for 4 months now so hopefully I can only get better)… AND THANK THE LORD in the meantime as I have come to write my own poetry I am now able to appreciate other people’s poetry, I can understand it more, I can be inspired by it, I can admire it. I get it now. Or at least I think I’m starting to get it…. But to answer ur question l wouldn’t say it was a singular traumatic event which inspired it but rather a combined experience of like 20 genuinely traumatic events combined with being neurodiverse & a lifetime of various mental illnesses which I wouldn’t say are all treated etc. and quite honestly having read NOTHING in the past which resonated with the depth of my own experience so I thought you know what I know I can’t be the only one feeling this, I’m gonna try write my own! If I can’t read it I’ll write it and hope I can be that for someone else I guessss

SOZ FOR RANT IDK HOW TO STFU AND THANK YOU FOR READING A FEW OF MY POEMS AND THANK YOU FOR THIS QUESTION ILY HAVE A LOVELY DAY <33

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weapon-ish · 2 months

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alright long long sappy weird post incoming abt my own personal story of being an ao3 author with a "sorry i haven't updated in a while! [some of the wildest shit you've ever heard] haha i should be back at it more regularly soon though! thanks for your patience!"

for context i last posted a fanfic, my first and only one i published, TEN YEARS AGO. like almost ten years and one month to the day. i was fourteen?! and it was well received and boosted my confidence a lot - several writers i really admired complimented me, and a few artists even made fanart of it (and ALL the art was amazing!!!!!!!!!) it absolutely blew my mind. like, people were so freaking nice to me about my very first published fanwork, and it really really meant a lot to me then and still does now, that people cared enough about something i made to make something in response.

but also it made me nervous to put out anything else. i had other stuff i'd already written, and i had more ideas. but what if i just got lucky the first time? or the semi-sequel i was planning just didn't live up to the first one? all kinds of stuff that i think is probably really really normal for people to feel about Sharing Their Work. but i was very in my head about the whole thing. if i couldn't do it just as good or better the next time, i didn't want to do it At All.

and unfortunately, in the most typical fashion for an ao3 author, i had a life-altering medical emergency almost immediately after publishing. i had been sick for a while, trying to hide it. but it turns out i was, like, dying sick. like "i'm now permanently disabled" sick. and i'm okay enough now, but. life got significantly harder after that. many days i barely had the energy to watch television from my bed, much less sit at my desk and actually Write Something. my brain was fried and scrambled. my body was wrecked. i was deeply traumatized by my experiences.

(i will never, ever forget the kindness of one of my favorite fanartists; she drew me a card with my favorite characters holding balloons that spelled out "get well soon!" i didn't cry much in the hospital, but i cried a lot about that. i looked at it every day that i could physically operate my phone. i still have it saved. she sent it the first week i was in and i looked at it as much as i could for the next month i was there.)

for about a year, i didn't leave my house except for medical appointments, or maybe to visit my brother, and those visits were mostly just us sitting on the couch and watching things together. even that was hard, i'd fall asleep. but he was good to me.

and even when i got a little better, i still couldn't really leave the house, i could just sit at my computer. but i started making friends on the internet, actual good friends, people with similar experiences and interests. and when i was sixteen, after i finally got another surgery i really needed, i went on my first trip in years to visit an internet friend. i flew to another state by myself to meet a person i met on tumblr. crazy, right? but it was awesome. we're still dear friends. and a little later, another friend rode a bus halfway across the country to stay a week with me over a school break - and they were amazing. i met both those friends again, i even saw one of them last year, we still love each other so much.

having my brother and those internet friends genuinely gave me will to live. they saw what i was going through, and loved me relentlessly through it. they were completely understanding and accepting of my disability, even the objectively gross parts of it, and never made me feel bad for it. they showed me that my life, while radically altered, was not anywhere near over - that i could be disabled and also extremely happy. i didn't know that. in that hospital, i was so close to being entirely hopeless about anything ever being good again. on that airplane, at that bus station, i was so full of excitement and elation to be living. even when we weren't together, there was promise for more chances to see each other. even if i was tired, or in extreme pain, or nervous, i had love. so much love.

but i still lost a lot. head still scrambled, brain fog constant. i fell out of touch with creative writing, which was something i had loved since i was a small child. i mean, how do you write when it's hard to even read? i was a voracious reader as a kid, but not so much After. i say After because even though it all happened when i was just fourteen, i felt like i lost any chance to be a kid. like i lost a massive part of who i was, because i was used to who i was being what i could do, and i suddenly couldn't do those things. not the same way.

i was afraid to even try anymore. my skills had degraded and the prospect of having to truly work at what was once so easy, so natural to me - it seemed absolutely insurmountable. chatting about headcanons, sure, easy-ish! stream of consciousness. writing? actually writing things to show people? much harder. i even wrote my diaries in cryptic ways, strange fonts and multiple things overlaid in different colors, just to make sure nobody could judge the quality of - of my writing to myself.

and then, yknow, other life things happened. trying to graduate. getting a job and working myself to death to impress people (who did not care in the slightest about how hard i tried, and tossed me away like trash for being disabled.) the death of a very important person in my life. moving out. a string of questionable relationships and one actually really really bad one. trying to recover any of my sanity or self esteem after being abused by someone i trusted. bouncing between housing situations and sleeping in my car. finding love! the real deal! surviving the first half-year of the pandemic as an immunocompromised person with six roommates all working service jobs. multiple other devastating deaths. yknow, like? other insane shit? just really truly bonkers shit?

and in the last two or three years, i've gotten a chance to... relax. slow down. i live with just my wife now, in a decently sized place. i repaired my relationship with my parents. i have a polycule of extremely wonderful people, and really incredible friends. i'm not afraid of my partners. i'm respected by the people in my life. i'm allowed and encouraged to like things, to really like things, to not be ashamed of being autistic and having special interests. i'm encouraged to be creative in any form i want to try. my physical health isn't great, but it's stable. i'm stable.

and i decided... i wanted to write again. to try. even if it wasn't easy like it used to be. even if it wasn't "as good" as something i did ten years ago, nearly half my life ago. even if nobody cared except my friends. to just do it because i have thoughts, and feelings, and they're bouncing around inside my heart and my brain and my soul and i want to let them out! i want to share. i've decided that i do not have to be afraid of sharing.

and, like, is that kind of a silly point to come to? that i lived through hell and now... want to be unashamed to write and post fanfiction? maybe, i don't know, maybe a little bit.

but also, it's been almost exactly a decade since i got my shit wrecked by my own biology. i wrote and shared that first fanfic while i was trying to hide an extreme illness from my family - i had been getting sicker for months, and i didn't know why. but i didn't want help. i was deeply convinced it was better to die slowly than inconvenience anyone.

i wrote and published a silly fic to distract myself from something horrifying that was happening to me. and few weeks later - shit well and truly hit the fan, and i did die multiple times, and then i got to live with the consequences of not asking for help when i needed it. (and the consequences of medical malpractice! that's a big one too. not everything was on me. like, definitely some of it, but not all of it.)

and now i'm, like, pretty happy with my life. i have so much good all around me. i actually want to live, i have plans for my future, i have goals. and. i have the kindness to just. let myself enjoy things, process things creatively, think more kindly about my own work. be less hypercritical of myself and less fearful of judgement. so. i want to write? about things that interest me? not to distract from something awful, but purely as an expression of something inside me that wants to connect to the outside world. as a means to get back to everything i (intentionally or unintentionally) cut myself off from. it seems right.

in conclusion. earlier today i posted my first real live actual fanfiction in over ten years. and that's on the spiritual healing powers of being gay & transgender

#personal

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