#feels bad man idk

[g0reoz]

.

#idk man like i've been in pretty rough shape lately but it's hard bc. as bad as it is #i don't want to die. i am not suicidal. like. we've been past that already the problem is that i DO fucking want to be alive yk #and to do that i have to burn all this fuckin energy being someone my parents don't hate and like #i wanna get out. i know it'll happen eventually. but it cannot fuckin come soon enough #i'm so tired of this!!i'm tired of sitting there crying in the bathroom i'm tired of lying in general like i am So Bad At Keeping Up A Fron #t and yet #here we are. here we are #and then i feel stupid for complaiing because not much is Actively Happening to me right now which like!!!! thats the point. it is not happ #ening because i'm slowly killing myself trying to not lwt it. i fuckin hate confrontation. don't wanna deal with it. #but. fuck. i really want to just tell em sometimes!!! i want to fucking explode and i know that my likelihood of being alive and well would #drastically decrease and my future would be fuckin OVER so i just have to make it a little longer. #i know i can do it. but will i. will i fuckin do it #how am i gonna not burn myself out yk!? like it does take massive amounts of energy #i don't even know. i want someone to tell me they love me and mean it. that shouldn't be too much to ask. #especially because this empty bullshit hurts just as much as someone saying they hate me. because they do!!! #that's the thing. they love me because i am not all the things they hate and threaten violence over. #which tbh. isn't me at all. #feels bad man idk #.woof.

[rustic-space-fiddle]

Forgive me.

#I built a wall and staged a baby murder in Minecraft to make this #epic the musical #odysseus epic #the odyssey #the horse and the infant #just a man #epic the musical fanart #art #fan art #digital art #procreate art #artists of tumblr #rustic space doodles #cw baby death #? #I feel like this DEFINITELY needs warnings but uh #idk what they are so if I miss one #my bad y’all #cw blood #cw war #cw murder

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[ohposhers]

going off the fact that JD wrote almost every Brozone song, i have this headcanon that on particularly lonely nights when JD can't sleep he stays up writing songs for his brothers that he will absolutely never show them ever </3 He's had the guitar since he was 11 and he refuses to get a new one cause it's one of the only things he still has from his parents LOLOL

#im down bad for this troll i hate him #rest in peace sticker jd #he tore it up one day when he was feeling especially regretful #john dory trolls #brozone #trolls #trolls band together #my art #idk why hes so beat up maybe he fell off a cliff #lil silly man so talented at writing

[tubbytarchia]

I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional

#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian #joel smallishbeans #smallishbeans fanart #trafficblr #Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this #and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please #Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have #Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him) #But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but) #And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol #I love them so #oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying #but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy #Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea #tubby art

[goosita]

idk idk thinkin about billy’s hands

the way his palms are rough and dry and his fingers have calluses that catch on your skin. his hands are always so warm, so gentle with you wherever they land on your body. he touches you like you’re the finest piece of pottery he’s ever been given, as if one wrong move could put a crack in your pretty glaze.

those same hands that slide soothingly down your arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake despite the warm sun outside. he’s pressed against your back, his chest broad and firm behind you and you can feel billy’s breath behind your ear when he praises you. “good job, honey. keep your arms just like that, hm? and when you’re ready, you squeeze that trigger. don’t just pull on it,” he tells you. his voice drops even lower as his touch skims down your back slowly, then his long fingers are curling around either side of your waist. “squeeze it,” billy whispers, his grip bearing down on your body. squeezing you.

you take a deep breath and aim as best you can at the glass bottle perched on the fence post, carefully squeezing the trigger on his revolver. the shot rings out and kicks you back just a little, but billy’s right there behind you to keep you steady. the green glass shatters and you hear his delighted chuckle, feel his lips peppering kisses along your cheek and jaw.

“look at that, baby! you’re a natural,” billy praises. “my girl’s gonna take my title, huh? fastest gun in the west?” it makes you giggle, such happiness and pride radiating from the man you adore so much. his words make your cheeks flush with heat every time he calls you his girl.

billy uses those hands you never stop thinking about to gently pull his revolver from your grip, setting it aside to spin you around so you can face him. his hat blocks the sun from both of your faces where he stands, and his eyes match the shade of the sky. he brings his hands up to cup your jaw, brushing his thumbs along your cheeks reverently.

“what’s that pretty blush for, baby?” he asks, voice airy and sweet. the corner of his mouth ticks up in a grin. he dips his head down just enough to kiss your cheek, then smiles and presses a matching one to the other side. “is it ‘cus i called you my girl?” he teases, delight running through him as you make a little sound in the back of your throat. he loves to rile you up, make you putty in his hold. “think i ain’t noticed how you get all shy on me when i say it? its just about the cutest thing i could ever imagine.”

one hand continues to hold your jaw and you don’t even realize you’ve tipped your head into his touch, leaning your cheek into his palm like a cat being given affection. his other hand goes to brush away a strand of hair that came loose in the breeze. billy’s hands are so strong, have caused so much damage in his young life. they’ve worked hard and played even harder. his hands are steady, quick. your gunslinger.

“you are my girl, ain’t you? c’mon, honey, say it. please?” billy asks with a pretty grin.

“yeah, billy. i’m your girl.”

#aaaaa idk man i got the brainrot so bad #also feel free to make requests or come yell in my asks abt billy or tom or coryo #billy the kid x you #billy the kid x reader #billy the kid #tom blyth #tom blyth x you #tom blyth x reader #tom blyth billy the kid #william h bonney

[myrkulitescourge]

i'm surprised i haven't seen any text posts yet about the Unsubtle Differences between astarion’s tiefling party/high approval forest scene and the one you get after the goblin party.

there’s something so terribly interesting about how the conversation afterward plays out depending on which variation you pursue.

like, most people have seen the tiefling party version by now. astarion basking in the sunlight the morning after, playing off most of what tav says with relative ease, even when they ask about his scars and he tells them about cazador. his cadence is smooth and composed, his smile almost friendly, even though you know, as the viewer, he’s playing a game of manipulation at this point. the only real crack in his demeanor is if tav notices that cazador’s “poem” was written in infernal, which, understandably, startles him.

but recently i watched the goblin party version of this same scene, and everything reads so differently. unlike at the tiefling party, it’s still the middle of the night when astarion tries to leave, thinking tav is asleep—almost immediately after the act, in fact. when tav does speak to him, he’s visibly nervous, halting and stammering in the middle of lines delivered unflinchingly in the other version of the scene. he gestures broadly and fidgets more while talking, his smile comes and goes. there’s even some of his distinctive high pitched, fake laughter sprinkled throughout the exchange, almost identical to later scenes where he's very, very obviously uncomfortable (like if raphael mocks him and magics off astarion's shirt to show the party his scars in act 2, or when confronting the gur children in their cell in act 3, etc etc).

siding with the goblins represents something deeply familiar to astarion, a level of cruelty he's more than familiar with and embraces likely because cruelty and duplicity, to him, go hand-in-hand with the power and freedom he craves so badly—but he won't stay the night with this tav, even if he approves of their actions. no, in this case, he'll keep to what's familiar and attempt to leave them in the forest under the cover of the very same darkness he resents having been cast into by cazador. when he gets caught, it sets him on edge, and everything he says becomes such a blatant lie to save face that tav would have to be completely oblivious not to see through him, or maybe just not care enough to.

but if tav saves the refugees? challenges his worldview and comes out victorious? oh, he'll complain of the poor rewards for his trouble at the party and whine about it being boring, but he decides to stay with tav through the night while they're asleep and on past dawn. he takes a moment to enjoy the morning sunlight, returned to his life after two centuries without. the same is true if you have high enough approval that he asks before the party, in which case, you've almost certainly hit his biggest approval gains: trusting him and supporting his safety. maybe he doesn't trip over his words when he speaks because, well, maybe this is someone he doesn't have to worry about. someone who's already more than proven themselves a foolish, heroic sort with a bleeding heart or otherwise demonstrated that they're already in his corner. in other words, not a threat—at least not to him.

does any of this make sense. i wanna study this guy under a microscope.

#the text may be the same but the line delivery is so enormously different it HAS to mean something idk! idk! #what he knows best but doesn't quite trust vs what's new but seems almost safe seems like the differentiating factor honestly #at least in whether he decides to leave tav immediately or stay with them till morning #which in turn affects how he feels by the time tav speaks to him #not to rag on the goblin route but man #he seems. well. frantic when he gets caught trying to leave asap. #to the point where listening to him feels... pretty bad imo #i'd love to know if it changes his romance later on because that seems like. well. a rough start #astarion #astarion bg3 #astarion ancunin #bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 meta #sort of idk #long post

[sayheykid]

trying to figure out how to say this delicately. i do think that the pwhl is going to make some progress, and already the support for the league is showing how much of a market there is for women's sports even from a few years ago. but it's kind of been irking me to see so many posts that act like there has never been any arena for women's pro hockey before. like do you understand how many people — how many leagues!! — came before this to even make the pwhl a possibility. do you know how many people have fought tooth and nail for women's pro hockey for DECADES. i'm not saying don't support the league, but don't act like it's the perfect solution to a brand new issue

#idk i'm just thinking #how quickly people forget the outrage and devastation of the entirety of the phf being blindsided by the acquisition/merger #contracts erased. careers ended. lives uprooted. #yes women players are getting more money and more visibility! that's great! #but i can't support it wholeheartedly #i will support it because they've ensured it's the only option there is but it still feels kind of bad man #saw a post earlier that was like 'starting today. young girls will realize there's a future for them in pro hockey' #that's great! but it's not starting today! #it started with all the groundwork that's been happening for years and years and years #hockey #pwhl #phf

[wishfulsketching]

Just doodling more because I can't handle s2.

#my art #sketchy sketch #good omens #good omens spoilers #it's so scary to post because I haven't done it in a while #plus new fandom #plus taking lot of references from real people #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #anthony j crowley #mmmm idk I feel like it all looks bad but also I want to sdkfuanh about the season #I did a kissy thing but idk man #I hate everything I do atm I guess #still working on that scum villain thing too #it's almost ready

[aromantic-diaries]

Post number 69420 about the bi to aspec pipeline but it's like saying you don't have a preference for either coke or pepsi and later learning that just you don't really like soda

#aro #aromantic #arospec #ace #asexual #acespec #i do like soda on occasion. but not coke or pepsi i'm more of a dr pepper guy (superior) #now that i think about it i do seem like the type of person who doesn't really like coke or pepsi and prefers dr pepper #idk man i feel like every time i drink coke a building explodes #not just cause it's kind of bad for you but yknow. big corporation bad.

[mumbledramblings]

i had a vision from god the other night

anyway i love how some of wolfwood's first character-establishing scenes in both animes is him trying to scam people

#trigun #trigun stampede #tristamp #trigun 98 #tri98 #trigun fanart #nicholas d wolfwood #nicholas d. wolfwood #mid draws #idk if anyone has done this yet #had a full on eureka moment earlier about how wolfwood's cover for being a gung-ho gun isn't being a priest #it's being a con artist pretending to be a priest #like it is SO obvious he isn't a real priest/undertaker that people just immediately think “oh this guy is just a con artist” #and they don't think any further #so the reveal of “oh hey i'm actually part of an anti-human terrorist organization (though not necessarily willingly)” is an actual surpris #because you think he's just a con man who's really bad at his job #i feel like the last person to come to this conclusion 😶 #genuine character analysis? in MY memes? it's more likely than you think

[turtleblogatlast]

[ cw: trauma / mind control / separation anxiety / autophobia / ]

Something that kills me is that there’s no way in hell that Raph’s debilitating separation anxiety isn’t infinitely worse after the movie. The trauma of being Krangified like that, all alone, would probably regress him so hard.

Not to mention his worries of getting “weird” would likely get mixed up with his experience while Krangified - aka, he loses full awareness, and when he’s brought “back” it’s to the understanding that he attacked his own family (of course not to his own fault at all, but how much of that does he believe?)

The fear of being alone would take on another layer and become a fear of himself.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt raph #rise raph #trauma / #mind control / #separation anxiety / #autophobia / #codependency mention in tags / #after the invasion he checks up on the others multiple times and guiltily hopes one of them asks to stay with him for the night #he’s the big brother so it feels - wrong. to ask them to stay with him. #but his plushies don’t have heartbeats. and neither did the krang #and guiltily - guiltily - Raph is relieved when someones doing bad enough to stay with him each night #he doesn’t know it but the others see he needs it so they offer #man idk I just want Raph to be safe and happy #me having Raph feels at 3 am #I raise you: codependent Raph and Leo post invasion #they both dealt with losing the other #going from fighting and high tensions pre invasion to being scared to leave each others’ side post invasion #god wait this concept is so sad wait #but it works #may address this in a later post/fic ngl

[iwasbored777]

That new Spider-Verse trailer got me like

(Btw someone reposted this meme just to make it clear cuz I made it)

#he's adorable #idk why i immediately think that nice characters are going to betray the main characters he won't i know but i had bad feeling about it #spider man across the spider verse #pavitr prabhakar #meme #across the spiderverse

[gayspock]

i love it when a tv show has lows that are so low you're so ashamed to ever show it to anyone ever but then highs that melt your brain a bit, like, "good fucking god, this is genuinely such an astounding piece of craftmanship... my perception of the medium, and perhaps of myself, has been challenged/changed in 40 minutes" but you cant even express that to ppl without feeling like youre fucking deranged bc my god the lows .....

#Egg.txt #sorry i saw gar watched Hush recently and like #my god thats such a good episode of television . like sincerely fucking solid. like damn man. #and theres other eps of buffy i'd rank among that i.e a certain s5 episode that just still gives me chills to think about #but this also goes for trek + doctor who + farscape + and any and every lame little campy show out there #that just needs to fuck your head wide open sometimes #maybe that why i have enjoyed bsg but i havent like fucking Melded with it yet because its highs and its lows are both there but it doesnt #ever touch the extremes of either #i need something so so bad and so so good at once that makes mefeel like im insane #god i might go rewatch some tos soon #but yeah ok abt bsg maybe its alsojust #laccking a sincerity to it sometimes #and not just in how its a darker/grittier #but just in general i feel like .........hm. idk.. #let me ponder

[theminecraftbee]

Jimmy notices Scott sitting near the edge of the Ace Race launch. They’re both on the practice server; it’s a good place to hang out. Gets away from the kinds of lives they live elsewhere, even if Jimmy figures the one he’s got right now is good enough. Scott’s here a lot, Jimmy’s found; it’s probably some combination of whatever the weird messenger thing he has going on with Noxite is and the number of other lives he’s lived. Jimmy bets it’s just quieter here than, like, he doesn’t know, he’s heard something about pirates?

Anyway, he’s always down to say hi to Scott. Also, Scott looks—strange. Diminished feels rude. Not preening like a peacock? No weird ethereal glow? It can’t be that the romance has worn off, it never really did, not all the way, Jimmy’s always seen him as sort of made of lace and marble and beautiful things from the beginning and even now that they’re like, friends friends, it’s just—

Jimmy plants himself in the grass. He can’t find a poppy, but he can find a dandelion. Close enough?

“Flower for your thoughts?” he says cheerfully.

Scott looks up. He laughs. “You can’t be doing that, Jimmy. We’ll get double-married. I already have too many husbands, you can’t be on there twice.”

“I think I can marry my flower husband as many times as I want,” Jimmy says.

“We barely even do a romance anymore.”

“Well, excuse you for not being a romantic.”

“Me? I’m not the romantic? Me?” Scott says incredulously.

“Well I don’t know how it would be me,” Jimmy says imperiously. He pauses, huffs, and sits down next to Scott. “I mean, we can do romance if you want. Hadn’t done that the last few lives because, you know, work better as friends right now, but I can totally wow you. I can, uh. Uh. Make… chocolate? No, I can’t do that, actually, don’t hold me to that—”

Jimmy pauses.

“Scott,” he says.

“No, keep going,” Scott says weakly.

“Have I done something wrong?” Jimmy asks.

“No, no, it’s just—sort of being a messenger god, I get a feel for things, and—it’s gonna happen again soon, Jimmy.”

“Oh, okay,” Jimmy says. They both know what they’re talking about. “I’m absolutely gonna win this time, just so you know.” He says it with all the false bravado of a person who’s mostly just hoping he doesn’t die first again. This time, this time, this time. He’ll do it by his own merits, though; he’s not sure what he would have done if Joel had actually gone through with the halting plan to die for him that he’d told Jimmy about last time. Probably crowed on happily about it, honestly, but with needles in his stomach the whole time.

Scott hasn’t responded yet.

“You don’t have to worry. You’re way too good at this. Constant finalist, now that you don’t have me weighing you down,” Jimmy tries.

“I shouldn’t talk about this with you,” Scott says.

“Rude,” Jimmy says. “We’re husbands at least twice over.”

“Yeah, but do you ever regret it? Don’t you—don’t you regret it?” Scott bursts out. “Don’t you ever wake up and—and you weren’t good enough to protect them and you’re not good enough to be loyal to and frankly you aren’t good enough to follow the rules either and, and so you’re just constantly winning. And you aren’t trying and you just think, if you’d just—if you’d just fucking slowed down, figured out how to protect—this is stupid. I’m proud of Martyn. Got him to win, at least. I can’t regret him winning. I wouldn’t have wanted anything else. I never have. Forget I said anything.”

Jimmy stares.

“I don’t regret it,” he says, and he’s surprised to realize he’s telling the truth.

“Not even for all the mocking?” Scott says.

“I mean. Wouldn’t have teamed with Grian and Joel if…”

“Oh,” Scott says. He stares out over the practice server. Jimmy cannot guess what’s going on in his head. No matter how many lives they’re friends, husbands, lovers both star-crossed and casual, enemies, and friends again in, Jimmy has to admit, Scott’s kind of a closed book. It’s one of the character flaws he has to make up for being perfect at everything else.

It’s part of what makes him Scott.

“I don’t regret it,” Jimmy says, almost more urgently.

“Oh,” Scott says again. “I do.”

Jimmy’s not sure what to say to that.

He’s never been good enough at winning much of anything to understand that kind of regret, is the thing. Blessing, curse, whatever else, he just…

“Sorry. I’ll be better tomorrow. Not normally the kind of person for this stuff,” Scott says. “It’s not that I’m not confident, it’s just…”

That, though. That, Jimmy can understand.

He scoots closer to Scott.

“Let’s race. I’ll totally beat you so badly. I was watching CPK do skips. And, I don’t know about you, but…”

“Yeah, you’ll hit those in your dreams,” Scott says. Neither of them move to stand up, though. They remain sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, watching other participants jump off the launch. It’s nice here. Quiet. A place apart from all the lives they live. Jimmy wonders if that’s why Scott’s here so much. Jimmy might have to show up too; that’s what increasingly old friends are for, he figures.

#limited life smp #<- tagged as such for being the most recent #jimmy solidarity #scott smajor #a bee fic #idk man I just wanted to write scott being a little insecure I can’t sleep and have been having fh feelings lately #for whatever else I think Jimmy doesn’t ever regret TRYING even given that it never works out #be it relationships or bad plans or the life series #scott though—it works out for him and he’ll always wonder. #flower husbands

[againstme]

hello my fellow autistics. i’m asking you a question and giving you two options only sorry but i’m curious if this is just a me experience or just not liking my ex lmao:

i personally thought i would be all about smooching and making out but like. lips are slimy. and i never know what i’m doing sowwwy. 🫣 also my ex used to bite my lips, very hard. what the fuck was up with that

#if you vote pls reblog i wanna seeeee #smooching you on the mouth? having another person’s tongue in my mouth? #hickeys though? great 1000000%. really love giving really love receiving. #this could also be due to just not being used to doing it. but who knows tbh. #iiiiiii don’t fucking know man. i feel like unless i REALLY like you idk if i’d like it #autism #neurodivergent #blah blah yeah u get it #is this embarrassing to post? maybe. #i swear i’m not a BAD kisser it just wasn’t what it was hyped up to be for me #idk.