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#getting out of my control and i am scared.
gardengirl222 · 3 days
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i just had this thought of yapper!gf being taken on a fishing trip with jj and him getting frustrated because she’s scaring off the fish and then she gets annoyed back at him 😩😩😩
lol soooo cuteee! ˚ ༘✶ ⋆。˚ ⁀➷ yapper!gf x jj
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jj had been planning to go on a little fishing trip for a few days now, but because you've been dragging him around town he hadn't gotten a chance to. but today was the day, and because you go with him everywhere, he let you come with him. 
"are we going to have some lunch after this?" you ask hand in hand with your boyfriend as he leads you to the HMS pogue. 
"are you hungry already? didn't you just have some ice cream?" 
"that was a snack jj, are we going to eat the fish? if you catch any i mean." you giggle, looking up at him through your lashes. 
"whaddia mean if, when. when i catch some." he corrects.
"right of course! what am i supposed to do then, help you fish?"
"juuus' relax, i provide the sustenance while you sit there n'look pretty." he jokes, lifting his hand to help you get on the boat. 
as you arrived at the spot, the tranquil waters stretched out before you, jj wasted no time in setting up his fishing rods. you sit at the edge of the boat and wait patiently watching your boyfriend flip his hat around. 
"its really sexy when you do that." you smile up at him, covering the sun with your hand. 
"what? flippin' my hat backward?" he grins, turning back to look at you.
you nod and turn back to look at the water, leaning against the edge to see if you could spot any fish. 
"its really nice out...i saw this thing that um- that said, would you sell your boyfriend to make your dog live forever? and i thought about it, i would." 
he scoffs and leans back to do whatever people do when trying to reel in a fish. 
"we don't even have a dog!"
"i know, but it's the principle!" you argue back, dipping your hand into the water and swishing it around.
"you're scarin' the fish away dude! c'mon sit down." he snaps his fingers at you making you glare at him and sit back in the middle of the boat. 
 "i was just checking the temperature." you shrug with a small smile, but jj wasn't amused. 
"nough' of that and you yapping my ear off, like i love you babe, but next time bring a book or a crossword puzzle or something...." jj huffs and baits his hook and casts his line once more. 
pissed at him you decide to give him the silent treatment and pretend he isn't even there. 
after some time, in silence, jj starts to feel a little guilty but then he hears you again.
"i shoulda' pushed you in the water." you furrow your eyebrows and shake your head, just couldn't stay quiet for much longer. "alright alright, come help me, i'll teach you how to do this." he laughs, offering his hand to help you up. rolling your eyes to take hold of his hand as he pulls you up and stands behind you, placing the fishing rod in your hands and wrapping his own hands around yours to help with guidance. 
"swing it back aaaand- wait." he lets go of your hands to let you try being in control and stands beside you with his hands on his hips. in no time a fish was pulling at the hook, jj boyishly excited for you, telling you to reel it in. you try your best to be fast and get the fish out of the water. 
"that's what im talkin' about baby, atta girl!" he cheers and takes hold of the fishing rod for you, grabbing onto the fish, and placing it in a bucket. 
"i can't believe i got a fish!" you squeal, turning over to him with a smile. 
"come here..." he beams and grabs onto your face with two hands to press a bunch of sweet annoying little kisses on your cheeks. 
"nooo! you touched the fish! and i'm still pissed at you." you scrunch your face up but that only makes him wrap his arms around your waist and lift you up like a doll with your hands on his shoulders. 
"gimme a kiss, and then we'll call it a day, yeah?" he squints his eyes and tilts his head, you roll your eyes and nod. wrapping your arms around his neck and leaning in to give him a proper kiss. 
once satisfied, your boyfriend sets you down with a smile. 
"alright. let's get outta here." he spins you around and smacks your ass playfully. ᥫ᭡
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yanderecrazysie · 2 days
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Begonia (Yandere Leona)
Part 1 of the Flower Language Series
I got these meanings from the internet, so some may be wrong. Sorry if that is the case, but please ignore my mistakes.
Please do not request the Flower Language Series.
Title: Begonia
Pairings: Leona Kingscholar x Reader
WARNINGS: Yandere themes
Flower meaning: Beware
Summary: Leona has always scared you. Turns out, that was for a good reason.
To be honest, all of the dorm heads intimidated you.
Riddle, as you had come to know through Deuce and Ace, was probably the strictest person you had ever met. He had hundreds of rules, most of which were oddly specific, and he collared anyone who broke them, making them lose their magic until he saw fit.
Even as someone with no magic to your name, it still scared you.
Azul was a scheming bastard, tricking people into making contracts that put them at a severe disadvantage, then stealing something from them when they inevitably failed.
Then, there was the floating tablet. The device was supposedly controlled by a housewarden back in his dorm, but it was strange enough to creep you out a little.
Malleus was absolutely terrifying, with his horns that looked like they could skewer you and an expression on his face like he just might do that if you looked at him wrong. Plus the rumors of his power made you tremble in his presence.
Kalim and Vil, you had to admit, didn’t seem too bad from what you’d seen. You would still have to get to know them to make a final judgment.
But the one who scared you most was Leona Kingscholar.
His face was twisted into a menacing frown, his green eyes glaring at everyone around him like they personally annoyed him. He was muscular and stood at a daunting 6 feet tall. He had a scar down one eye- an injury that made you wonder how he got it. 
You had to admit, he was handsome, but he also terrified you. You knew from the moment you saw him that he wasn’t someone to mess with. 
—------------------------------------------------
You liked to walk through the botanical gardens. There were all kinds of beautiful trees and flowers, some the same as the ones in your homeworld, and others that you were sure were unique to the world you had found yourself in.
Your eyes moved from each plant, never looking down at your feet. Why would you, when there was so much to see and smell?
You should have looked down.
Suddenly, you pitched forward, your foot catching on something. You tried in vain to keep your balance, but you ended up on your hands and knees anyway. Your knees and palms felt like they were on fire and, when you lifted your right hand, you found that you were bleeding.
A growl sounded from behind you- one that sounded dangerously like a lion’s. Slowly, you turned your head.
Leona’s tail was lying in the walkway. The walkway you had just been walking down.
Oh my God, I tripped on his tail!
“I am so sorry!” you spluttered, standing up as quickly as possible, “I wasn’t paying attention!”
“Clearly,” Leona snarled, baring his teeth. You couldn’t help but notice that his canines ended in sharp fangs. He got to his feet and you cowered as his shadow fell over your figure. He was even taller up close.
“I’m sorry,” you squeaked.
“You should be,” Leona snapped, “I was taking a nap and you disturbed my sleep.”
You trembled under his gaze. He looked down at you like a predator sizes up its prey. 
The warm garden seemed to drop 50 degrees. The shadows of the tall trees seemed to stretch into the shapes of clawing hands. Your nose no longer smelled the sweet scents of the flowers.
Leona looked you up and down and a smirk spread across his lips. You didn’t know that he could smile, but somehow, it was worse than his frown.
“You’re that magicless girl with no home to go back to, aren’t you?” he asked.
You nodded meekly, then changed your mind “I do have a home to go to, the mirror just couldn’t find-” you fell silent at the glare he sent your way. A scowl that clearly told you to shut up.
Leona took a few steps forward and leaned in toward your neck. You froze, unable to move if you tried. He took a deep inhale and, finally, leaned back to look you over once again.
“I can’t smell a speck of magic on you,” he said condescendingly, “You really don’t belong here, do you?”
You weren’t sure what to say, so you stayed quiet. Leona took a step forward and you took a step back in response. Leona's predatory gaze followed your every move, a wicked smile playing on his lips. 
“I- I have to go,” you stuttered, mouth feeling as dry as the desert.
“I’m not stopping you,” Leona replied, his voice a deep rumble, as though he thought you were amusing.
The only problem was, you had to get past him to leave the botanical garden. You trembled from head to toe as you squeezed by him. You swore you could hear him take another sniff of you as you passed him.
You walked robotically to the exit, your mind on autopilot as you left the frightening housewarden behind. As you left, Leona called out to you one last time.
“I’ll have you make it up to me, little mouse.”
—--------------------------------------------
You didn’t return to the botanical garden after that incident. However, Leona seemed to pop up wherever you went.
You weren’t in the same classes, yet he appeared in the hallways outside each of your classrooms. He had to have been skipping class for some of these occurrences. 
He didn’t do anything to you, but you knew that he was there for you by the way his green eyes locked onto your form, boring holes into the back of your head as you hurried away from him.
The first time he showed up at your dorm scared you to death.
You had just been hanging out with Deuce and Ace at the Heartslabyul dorm, goofing around while getting a small amount of homework done. Grim raced ahead of you, his small figure disappearing in the darkness before suddenly reappearing, running toward you with a worried expression on his face.
“Did you invite that Savanaclaw Housewarden over?” Grim asked hesitantly.
“What?” it felt like you had been doused with cold water, spreading down your back and making you shiver, “No, of course not! Please tell me he’s not…”
“He’s there,” Grim jumped up and down, “What are we supposed to do? Do we fight him?”
“No!” you said quickly, “We’ll just have to ask him what he wants.”
Your feet felt like lead, dread weighing you down as you headed back to Ramshackle Dorm. Sure enough, Leona Kingscholar’s himself came into sight. The intimidating lion prince stood on your doorstep, facing you and Grim as you helplessly made your way toward him.
“L-Leona,” you stuttered, your heart speeding up in fear, “What are you doing here?”
The man looked at the broken down house you lived in, “I came to see what the excitement was about your dorm. I wanted to know why Azul was so interested in getting his tentacles all over this place.”
You nodded, not really understanding what he meant, but wanting to agree with him nonetheless. You really didn’t want to upset him.
Leona looked down at you, a bored expression on his face. 
There was something wrong with him, you decided. It took you a few seconds to find out just why he put you on edge so much. 
It was his eyes. They were clouded with an emotion you couldn’t decipher and locked on you. The gaze was purely predatory, making you feel small and helpless compared to him.
“I really don’t see what the excitement is about,” Leona said, condescending once more, “It looks like any old shack to me.”
Grim shook a clenched paw at him, “Hey! We’re working on fixing it up! You should see the bedroom- we totally remodeled it!”
Leona gave Grim a disdainful frown, “Ah, I see you still have the raccoon with you.”
“I’m not a raccoon!” Grim yelled.
You grabbed Grim’s shoulder as he attempted to advance on Leona, shrieking, “Lemme at him! Lemme at him! We’ll see who’s a raccoon!”
To your surprise, Leona laughed. Then, as if nothing had happened, his face resumed its familiar frown. His eyes locked onto yours, the hungry gaze making you tremble in fear once more.
He didn’t say a word as he slunk away from Ramshackle dorm, merely staring you down, even as he disappeared into the darkness.
You opened the door to your dorm and you and Grim made a beeline for the bedroom. You each got in your respective beds without you even changing into your pajamas. You stared up at the ceiling, fully awake. Hours ticked by and still sleep evaded you.
Why did you still feel as if you were being watched?
—-------------------
That day you didn’t see Leona after any of your classes. It should have put you at ease, but instead it put you on edge. Had he grown bored of you?
Somehow you didn’t think that was the case.
Since it was a Friday, the teachers decided to assign a mountain of homework to do. You struggled to fit all of your textbooks in your backpack, but the struggle to carry them all was even harder.
Grim and you split ways; you deciding to get an early start on your homework while Grim went to goof off and put it off to the last minute.
You trudged all the way to Ramshackle dorm and struggled up the stairs. As soon as you had gotten to your room, you let the backpack drop, panting for breath after all the labor you had endured.
When you opened the door, time itself seemed to stop.
There, on your bed, lay Leona, a sharp-toothed smirk playing across his face. He cocked his head at you in an almost-cute way, but you weren’t deceived. Not when his heavy gaze was so predatory.
“You sure took your time getting back,” he drawled, his smirk turning sly.
You stumbled backward, “Leona? How did-”
“Ah, the perks of being a cat,” he yawned, stretching out on your bed as if he owned it, “I can easily slip in undetected.”
Dread coursed through your veins, “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to be here when you returned,” he purred.
“Stop acting like this is normal! This isn’t-”
“Normal is boring, little mouse,” Leona sighed, pushing his body into a sitting position, “You should be thankful that I’ve been guaranteeing your protection.”
“What?” you were struck dumb by his words.
“Night Raven College has its dangers,” Leona drawled, “You’re the only girl in an all boys’ school, after all.”
“I can handle myself thanks,” you said coldly.
Leona’s laugh echoed across the room, booming in your ears. Your cheeks heated up, feeling as though you were being looked down upon.
“You have no idea what could happen to you,” in a flash, Leona was right in front of you. You recoiled in shock, but one of his hands gripped your chin before you could get too far, “Someone could lock you away forever, and you wouldn’t be able to do a thing.”
He leaned forward until his hot breath played across your face, “Do you understand?”
You managed to nod, knowing there was only one answer he would accept.
“Don’t worry, little mouse,” Leona purred once more, “You’re under my protection. No one would dare hurt you as long as I watch over you.”
The way Leona looked down at you made you feel like you were an insignificant, helpless little bit of prey playing right into his hands.
And to Leona, you probably were.
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readymades2002 · 1 month
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*ignoring rapidly increasing threat of mental health crisis that makes me unable to function* haha hiiiiiiiiii i love the weekend having so much fun with my time off #FiveOClockSomewhere
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jicklet · 2 years
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Nevermore || The Beast Within
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aropride · 5 months
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i really dont understand studying at all like genuinely i don't know what it is . i know about "taking notes" and "reading the textbook" and that's it . quizlet doesn't do shit for me because i don't know what to. do. with the cards. look at them ? am i supposed to just look at them . No one bothered teaching me actual skills bc i got good grades when i was 8 and now i am so hopelessly lost . why did no one think to teach me this for when stuff got harder than four plus three
#text#ive never understood flashcards . like what to do with them. how is that any more different or helpful than just like... writing a list on#paper of vocab terms or whatever#and like conceptually i know 'learning' is like. not only committing things to memory but also being able to engage with it which#is why teachers loveeeee group discussions and essays. but like. you read the text and then you go to class and Discuss but how do you#Learn what the text is saying like how do you . put it in your brain and udnerstand and remember it .#i think im missing something very simple because everyone else in the world seems to understand this fine#like where does the part where you go oh! i understand this and can explain it in my own words. Happen#how do u force it to happen if its not something ur autistic about#Like the only example i can think of rn of this is when i hyperfixated on hpa axis dysregulation + trauma a couple weeks ago#so i was learning stuff about it for Fun and not for school so no comprehension tests or notes or anything#and basically i'd just put on a webinar while i sorted seaglass or worked on sewing or whaever#and i can explain the concept fine. ur brain controls ur body so if it gets too scared ur body loses its shit basically.#but i dont remember most of the words. i still can barely define neurotransmitter#i can apply this to my own life but i confuse the hippocampus and the frontal lobe and the amygdala etc#and i couldnt point out any of them on a diagram#i dont get it . like i know a lot and simultaneously nothing at all abt it#how am i supposedto be remembering words and numbers AND understanding the concepts AND im supposed to do that between#reading the book and engaging in thoughtful conversation with my peers i dont understand
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pepprs · 6 months
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mutuals.
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going insane over the fact that happiness and care and concern and love is underneath every interaction between newt and hermann in pacific rim
#HEAR ME OUT. they’re introduced and newt and being a groupie and behind him hermann is all huffing and rolling his eyes and shaking his#head but he’s Not Angry. no. he jumps to defend newt albeit in a somewhat mocking and sarcastic way BUT THE THOUGHT IS THERE. and then when#hermann is rambling on about numbers being the handwriting of god newt is in the background smiling and laughing and making silly#hand motions and yes the hand motion was a bit mocking BUT THATS THEIR WHOLW THINF. anyways i’m not done. when newt drifts with the kaiju#and pentecost is there talking to him and hermann and newt r yelling back in forth u can hear the unease and shakiness in their voices and#especially the frustration in hermanns. he’s frustrated abt newt risking his life and is worried abt that which translates out in anger.#and yeah maybe he’s salty abt being proven wrong too lmao. BUT CONTINUING ON. stacker could have just told newt to go to hannibal chau and#he would have done it. but instead they watch the film of him on HERMANNS computer as HERMANN controls the computer to look at the film. if#thé film was shown it was for a reason. newt doesn’t seem like the type to need reassurance abt chau before he goes. he was willing to die#for his trash drift. and stacker gave him the card and info so there’s no need to do anything else. the video is most likely there for the#viewers but it needs a reason to be there in the show. hence my reasoning that HERMANN asked to see it out of concern for newt who would be#doinf this alone. hermann demanded to see some proof to reassure himself. stacker having the card on him makes sense. him having that bulky#tape doesn’t. meaning hermann pressured him into leaving getting the tape and coming back to show him. anyways one more bit. so the drift.#hermann is clearly scared out of his mind and thinking abt the impending triple event. yet he still drifts with newt he does it to protect#him to take part of the neural load. and it takes a toll on hermann it makes a big enough mess of his brain that he ends with him bleeding#and shaking and sweating and coughing and throwing up. and he knew it would take a toll. he knew it would be a lot he’s seen the jaegers.#he’s seen what happens. he knows it will be rough. he knows it’ll be much worse for him who wasn’t drifted then for newt who has. yet he#still does it to help newt and to show his care and trust and concern and love and THEYRE DRIFT COMPATIBLE U DONT UNDERSTANDABLE HOW#EMOTIONAL I AM OVER THIS FUCKING OVER THEM#anyways one last thing. the way that they full body slapping each other on the back bear hugged when the throat collapsed (they were behind#herc and tendo so it was a little hard to see. i missed it the first time) in pure adrenaline happiness before we see the quiet tender hug#when they know everything is over for good (for now at least) when it’s time to celebrate when it time to think abt their drift and their#bond and their relationship and their LOVE. i’m so ok abt them rn actually#toad.txt#i wish i wrote this in a keep reading bit and not the tags now. anyways#pacific rim#pacific rim spoilers#newton geiszler#hermann gottlieb#newmann
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ff2-soda-pop · 3 months
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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao
#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet#somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how#little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper#ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin#her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s#so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up#until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore#i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much#easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason#and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time#because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like#'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge#the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this#also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont#let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area#and it's not great </3#idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent
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ghostcrows · 6 months
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Y do I have to get college fomo I literally went to college...but I did it badly what if I had done a good job...I waste so many opportunities 😀
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kindheartedgummybears · 10 months
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*sighs dreamily while kicking my feet*
Werewolf AUs🥰🥰🥰🥰
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beautifel · 7 months
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i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am
#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad#i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic#and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me#the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic#let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything#like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing#i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard#the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know#with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things#n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case#it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others#this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences#its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control#ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship#we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people#so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there#ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere
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coffee-bat · 1 year
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hii not to vent on main but i kinda feel like my body is giving out
#really scared rn ✌️#vent#personal#(cw: eating disorder)#so yknow my healths been on a downward spiral for years bc of my restriction#anemia kidney stones gallstones hypothyrodyism hypothermia etc#ive already been having trouble fasting for a good while now#but in the past week its suddenly gotten so much worse#when i dont eat for a long time its now gone from 'feeling faint/nauseous'#to 'i am going to faint RIGHT now'#everything goes cold. brain feels foggy. floor feels like its moving. my limbs feel numb#and not even after that long not eating#yesterday it happened at only 1pm (i got up at 6 (ofc no breakfast) and been active from then)#like even last month i could easily go a whole day#and even then the only thing forcing me to eat sth was the nausea#now i dont even get to the point of nausea ir hunger pangs. its just a sudden drop and i HAVE to get some sugar immediately or ill pass out#its never been like this. i could go on longer. i had control over when i ate#now im being forced to by my own body just going 'fuck you'#the fact that its so sudden scares me#and even outside the episodes im exhausted. rn breathing feels like effort. yesterday i was scared to go to sleep#in a few hours ill get my blood checked. then ill know if its just anemia worsening or sth. but rn with no idea whats happening#im scared#it feels like my body is giving up. it handled so much abuse from me for years and now it feels like a 'straw that broke the camels back'-#-moment. like its just giving out with no warning signs#im really scared and dont really have anywhere to turn to so. sorry posting here feel free to ignore
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steakout-05 · 1 month
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eeuuaghh i would like everyone to know that i apologise if i have not responded to your reblogs/mentions/posts on tumblr, i have really terrible social anxiety and for some reason people talking to me makes my nervous system think i'm being hunted for sport by a resident evil boss. sorry if i havent responded i'm not being rude i'm just having a panic attack :P
additionally: social anxiety is actually the reason why a lot of my old posts from late 2022 had weird spacing and spelling mistakes. i was too anxious to type properly
#sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it#and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website#as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people-#-who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were-#-and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered#also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it#this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone-#-that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious#i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :(#i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles#it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on-#-a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help.#unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that-#-because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also-#-i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes-#-''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything''#and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think-#-''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me''#and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point#be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying#and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child.#be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo#if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows-#-even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like#trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you#social anxiety#anxiety disorder#i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11-#-at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me#anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y
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pepprs · 7 months
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my anxiety is unbelievably fucking bad rn. i am so scared
#purrs#delete later#ask to tag#(​putting slashes thru things so that they don’t show up in search btw)#i have no right to be scared bc im not there. but im so scared for the people of ga/za. and i am so scared that… idk. it’s completely my#fault bc i go looking for these kinds of things on purpose to hurt myself. but i doomscrolled last night about ww/3 and the possibility of#nu/clear war being fueled by is/rael’s ‘war’ on pale/stine and not only am i sick with fear about the people living directly in that region#but i am so fucking scared of the possibility of nu/clear war. or like. any war breaking out in the us. which i know is a ridiculous self#centered thought to have but my anxiety is out of fucking control rn and it has been getting worse throughout the week. i just don’t know#how to wrap my head around the violence of this week. and so few je/wish ppl i know irl are antizi/onist and ppl just expect me to be#supportive of is/rael jsut bc im je/wish and it makes me fucking FURIOUS not only because i resent these horrors being committed to innocent#people in the name of my own people but it is so extremely dangerous to conflate j/udaism with zi/onism. the consequences diasporic je/ws#are goi ng to face are of course nowhere near as central or all-consumingly violent as the people in gaz/a and i feel personally safe enough#as someone who (and i know this is kind of a terrible thing to say) passes very easily as a go/y (esp w a mask on) and has a g/oy last name#but i am so fucking terrified of the antise/mitism getting worse here and have been exposing myself to evidence of it even though it is#extremely destructive to my mental health. but also i deeply resent the rhetoric around ‘reach out to your j/ewish friends they’re suffering#rn’ because…. we are not a monolith nor are we the direct victims in this situation and it just feels so uncomfortable and centering to make#it an issue of silence etc etc when… there are innocent ppl in g/aza who are experiencing terror no human being should ever have to endure#and most of them are children and they are the people who will ‘pay’ most directly and immediately and severely for what happened a week ago#i just feel so fucking on edge from this entire situation and unable to do anything to help when the destruction is imminent and this#nightmare of a country is at the core of so much suffering in this world and it will take centuries to undo it all and in the meantime so#many innocent people are going to die and maybe the entire world will be destroyed by nu/clear war which we are basically begging for at#this point. it’s so hard to function in my personal life when i am keenly aware of what could be happening at any moment#i don’t know how to end this post. im just fucking scared and there’s nothing i can do
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bixiaoshi · 2 months
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#if i don't get this out of my system i may explode lmao#but man the fact that im not a uni student anymore is getting more and more real with each passing day n the fact that i have to start#searching for a job is getting more and more real each day and it's giving such huge amount of anxiety bcs im scared abt what's to come#i'm terrified of getting a job i hate. i'm terrified of losing my life in something that drains me. i'm terrified of getting stuch where#i am. of seeing my life pass and not accomplishing what i want. of everything i've dreamed of stays as that. a dream.#i'm terrified of being stuck in this country. in this city. bcs all i wanna do is leave but i dont have the means to do it!!!!!!#i dont have the money. my mom doesn't have the money and im scared. terrified of dedicating my life to working for it to be all pointless#i wanna travel n i wanna leave n i wanna land a job that i like!!!!!!!!!!!!#i don't think i'm fit for capitalism bcs routine bores me. bcs i don't want to lose my life in a job i hate#but then again i don't rlly have a dream job. i have smth i want to do but it doesn't rlly allign with my degree#and i'm scared!!!! of not being able to accomplish it!!!!!!!!! i'm so terrified of never doing what i want!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i'm terrified of staying here bcs it's easier and less scary. i don't want to live a life of it is what it is!!!!!!!!#but everything at this point overwhelms me and idk where to start!!!!!!! idk what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i feel so silly by#asking other ppl bcs they don't have the answer n i hate it. bcs i need an answer i need to know im gonna be okay#life is unexpected n that alone makes me dread it. bcs i don't have full control of what's to come#sure i can do things to get me where i want to be but it's not 100% guaranteed it will happen the way i want it to#like. i dropped out of a major i thought i wanted n loved. i got a degree in smth that isn#isn't rlly a passion of mine#i dread the unexpected. i dread not having full control. i dread not knowing stuff#i dread things going out of plan n sure i do have a life plan#but i'm terrified of it just being a life plan#peace n love on planet earth#jo.txt
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hotlinepanda · 4 months
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It’s hard to let go man
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