#god i'm just so sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thebestpersonherelovesbucky · 2 years

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Just venting

I’m not doing so well. I sort of feel like I’ve suddenly plunged back into an emotional downward spiral. I haven’t felt like this in months. but I think I know what’s really behind it.

My obgyn (she’s not the culprit lol) put me on the pill. Every time I’ve tried using it in the past, it’s sent my emotions into chaotic turmoil. This particular one, my doc said, isn’t known to having much of an effect on moods and also won’t interfere with my current med-cocktail. The reason I’m taking it in the first place is because I won’t stop bleeding, even after having surgery to fix the problem.

After about three weeks of not bleeding (after continuously bleeding for at least three weeks, and HEAVY) I started bleeding a week and a half ago in a relatively normal way (other than it continuing for more than a week). Made me think it was the first sorta typical period I’ve had in over a year. Then Sunday, it was like the elevator scene in The Shining. This past week alone, I’ve gone through two boxes of overnight pads. Cramps are horrendous. Not to mention how tired and weak and unfocused and achy (more achy than usual) I feel all the time.

This actually started in early 2021 (and, yes, I did speak to my old doctor then and we thought we fixed it but...)

And now I’m so depressed and down and gloomy. On the verge of tears all the time. Unable to concentrate. Bleeding and bleeding and bleeding, worrying that I might start leaking while out in public (which has happened) or stain the carpet, couch, bed.

And then I made the mistake of looking at reviews of my books, and even though there’re plenty of good things said about them, there’s those that aren’t and we all know how the negative sticks a lot more than the positives.

I’m trying extremely hard to not only remember that I can’t please everyone but also how this could be a way to improve. While commentary such as “total waste of money” and “I wanted to throw it across the room I hated it so much” and “it feels like fourteen-year-old girls wrote this” (which is pretty offensive, actually) don’t help in the slightest, other critiques might. Things like “this was repeated so often that it was annoying” or “there’s too much telling and not enough showing” can be very helpful. Like, oh, okay, I can see why you didn’t like it because of that, I’ll keep that in the back of my mind and hopefully do better next time.

On top of that, I’ve been having so much trouble actually writing and seeing that certainly didn’t help because now I feel like I shouldn’t even bother when rationally I know that’s stupid and it doesn’t matter if some people don’t like it and i think a lot of this reaction comes from the change in my moods bc i’m on the pill and it’s not even working.

It’s not even working.

Which means the next step might be a hysterectomy, and even though there’s barely even the slightest chance that we might have another baby, I still want to so badly. So badly that it hurts. I often dream about having another child. My dreams are usually all sorts of crazy, these dreams are perfectly normal. Like freaking WandaVision without the magic. Just a little world of my own while I sleep and when I wake all I want to do is cry. For ten years people kept saying “Oh, you have plenty of time, don’t worry!” when I’d talk about this (only with my husband, sisters, mom, and therapist) and here I am. Out of time.

And I know this all sounds incredibly selfish. I have two beautiful children and I feel so blessed that I do and they mean the world to me. It’s just that three was the number always in my head. The day after my youngest was born I was already talking about planning for another. Now there’s this ache burrowed deep in my chest that just won’t go away.

Anyway. I’m just venting to the void.

#my stuff #personal #negative #stfubucks #no one cares #god i'm just so sad #and i miss writing so badly #it's like there's a part of me missing #i'm so sick of being SICK all the time #ugh idek #just ignore me #menstruation #blood mention #long post

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yrsonpurpose · 2 months

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You are not who I raised. Oh, that is all I am, mother.

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warmsol · 6 months

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just a guy who loves some foliage

#god i love leaves #real and pixel..#i was trying to build and then i just got distracted by zooming in and taking screenshots and tweaking my reshade preset #i'm feeling sad and sleepy though so akdmfk trying not to close my laptop #ts4

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arthursfuckinghat · 4 days

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"Eagle Flies.. he needs help.. they all need help.."

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princess-self-shipping · 26 days

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I was scrolling through tumblr for inspiration and this fucking post by @monochrome-stars made my brain go brr so I did

A silly lil doodle. Just one tiny silly

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mccallhero · 4 months

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favourite ouat scenes: 33/?

#captainswanedit #killianjonesedit #emmaswanedit #ouatedit #emma swan #killian jones #captain swan #ouat #ouat scenes #mine #gifs #onceuponatimeedit #once upon a time #god god god i love these two and i love this scene #'may i have the HONOUR' bc killian knows that knowing more about emma is. in fact. an honour!!#but he asksss and he matches her tone bc he immediately knows how important this is to her #and i'm gonna do pt 2 and 3 of this scene next where he just keeps making sure it's okay and that emma's okay #and idk HOW ouat has written a pirate to be the best character when it comes to consent but god i will never get over it #it's just written so naturally and it doesn't feel forced when he asks and every time i appreciate it sm #but even tho emma is feeling nostalgic and sad. he still manages to get an annoyed lil smile out of her and an eye roll in the 4th gif #idk. soft babies. i love them. i love emma being appreciated. i love emma being respected. i love emma being cared for #100

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vaguely-concerned · 7 months

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Thinking about the symbolic weight of smoking in the TLT universe that comes to the fore in The Unwanted Guest -- the way it moves through from person to person: Pyrrha smoked, and Augustine wanted to impress her in all her stone cold fox MILF James Bond glory (and tbf who wouldn't) so he started too. and even though as far as he knows she's been gone for a myriad and is never coming back, he keeps the habit. Ianthe sees something in the hollowed-out Faberge eggshell of Augustine that resonates with her, all that gilded eloquent emptiness and disdain through the ages, so she picked it up from him to try to emulate it. She picked it up so hard that Palamedes -- the exact spiritual antithesis of the 'smoking! on a space station! what a powermove' ennui Ianthe so admired -- spontaneously unnerded enough to even known how to, simply from a sort of contact contamination of the soul.

G1deon and Augustine sharing a jittery smoke after their near-Harrow experience during soup night, and it's the closest thing to any real sense of brotherhood that remains between them. Pyrrha going ten thousand years dying both literally and for a smoke (and then Camilla sold her fucking cigarettes (for a third of what they were worth, probably Pyrrha's own good, and also more importantly grocery money). what an entirely haunted time to be alive etc.). Augustine and Mercy trading a cigarette back and forth in the middle of their collusion over the love and murder of god.

An act of small and measured self-destruction in the name of something a little bit like connection when you're stuck somewhere in yourself where love itself dares not or cannot tread (ritualized, transmissible)..........

#the unwanted guest #the unwanted guest spoilers #the locked tomb #ianthe tridentarius #augustine the first #pyrrha dve #palamedes sextus #this series is going to make me lose my mind completely one day (affectionate)#the locked tomb meta #the fact that ianthe seems to have had some genuine admiration for augustine makes my head spin. of course though.#of course she sees the person who looks the most like he's successfully made himself impervious to the world #utterly untouchable and impossible to hurt because he isn't even really there #and she believes it! even after seeing the john mercy augustine mess at the end! because it's such a seductive idea #when you've stuck yourself in an inevitable ocean of pain to think you could make yourself numb enough that it doesn't matter #it's the emotional equivalent of 'oh there's water all around? well I just won't breathe in then. easy lmao get on my level'#she holds on to that thing from him even when it's been proved to be both impossible and ultimately untrue even in him #because uh. oh I'm about to be kind of sad for ianthe what the fuck is going on. he might actually have been the closest thing #to parental and especially paternal affection she's ever known. certainly known enough to try to model herself after #IMAGINE how fucked up the nine houses must be when augustine the first registers for anyone as a model of psychological survival #ianthe do you really want to be yourself completely so much that you're willing to be nothing. I mean yeah probably but. oh my god #gaining nothing at the cost of everything

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moongothic · 5 months

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The worst part about trying to figure out what Crocodile's deal is that because he's so fucking irredeemably evil in Alabasta... Like... Yeah he's just irredeemably evil. Like I love him but he did cause countless casualties, a ton of pain and suffering and literally attempted to blow up a million people

Like no amount of theoretical "trying to do it to save his son from the Government" or "trying to stop the Government from hurting anyone else" or just "doing it for the greater good" is going to make him any less of a mass murderer

But also Robin absolutely 100% helped with all of that shit simply because she wanted to read the Poneglyph for herself.

No amount of her intending to betray Crocodile from the begining and sabotaging his plans erases the fact that Robin also caused countless people to starve to death and die in the civil war. Her sabotages only succeeded out of sheer luck, and only spared the lives of the people at the final battle. She has the blood of countless innocents on her hands. Because she wanted to read history.

But her crimes were swept under the rug because she has a sad backstory and her sabotages worked out just at the nick of time by sheer dumb luck

So Croc??? Just??? Is there a chance??? At all???

But also he did literally intend to sell Buggy into slavery

Like, fuck Buggy, but jesus

What's also killing me is that we like. Don't know what Luffy thinks of Crocodile right now. Which really is like. The thing that will decide how we, as the readers, are supposed to feel about Crocodile. Luffy is our POV

Like we don't know what Luffy's opinion of Crocodile is after he helped save Luffy (and spared Ace once) during the Summit War. Like Luffy clearly fucking hated the man in Impel Down and the two interactions they had during the War weren't like positive (in the sense that Luffy himself didn't think of the interactions as particularly positive. Defending Whitebeard from being attacked once and then being like "wait what HIM?!" when Crocodile defended Ace. To be fair, in the midst of the chaos, there wasn't much time to spend on Pondering On Such Things because Ace needed to be saved, and Oda goes out of his way to not show us what's going on inside Luffy's head, because it's all meant to be out in the open anyways. Regardless, these weren't like "yay it's Crocodile! :)" moments for Luffy is what I mean)

But also Luffy was very grateful of Law for saving his life and was willing to put his trust into Law for their alliance- of course, they weren't explicitly enemies to begin with, rivals at most, but still. Luffy respects those who help him.

But also Luffy grew during the timeskip. Like he's not that clueless anymore (like he finally understands Hancock is in love with him etc), and similarly Luffy gets that Buggy is an absolute loser now. But also Buggy did also help save Luffy's life (even if it was by accident), and while IDK if Luffy is aware of that, I don't think that helped improve Luffy's impression of Buggy

So like. The fuck does Luffy think of Crocodile, at this moment? Even with the Cross Guild reveal, he didn't even really comment on Croc and just focused his energy on being confused about Buggy being "the leader" of CG. IDK it feels almost intentional or something, that we don't know what Luffy thinks?? Especially since we did get Zoro's opinion on Mihawk in the situation?? Or am I delulu?? (Sidenote. I'd love to know what Robin would have to say about Crocodile helping save Luffy's life. What Jinbei might think of the final words Crocodile left him with before blasting them out of Akainu's reach. But mainly just Robin's thoughts)

Like IDK my best guess would be that Luffy still hates Crocodile just the same but is like grossed out by technically owing him one??? In the classic

-kinda way, you know? And that he'd be just kinda confused about it?

Because I can't fucking imagine Luffy being like "oh we're cool now" with Crocodile, let alone "Yay Crocodile :) He saved my life!". But also like. Luffy does kind of owe Croc one. Kind of. And Luffy is usually very respectful of that kind of thing. Aaaaaaaa???

(Also does. Does Luffy even know it was Crocodile who yeeted him and Jinbei out of Akainu's reach to begin with. 'Cause he was unconcious. Knocked the fuck out. Does. Does Luffy even know. Did anybody tell him???)

I just.

There's the reasonable part of me that knows Crocodile is an irredeemable evil dickbag and everything he has ever said and done up to the most recent chapters support that. He is too far gone.

And then there's the absolutely delulu part that loves a tragic villian who gets a heartwrenching redemption that's looking for any fucking sign that could indicate Crocodile could maybe be one

#Moon posting #OP Meta #OP Spoilers #Sir Crocodile #Crocodad #Haunted by thoughts of one (1) evil middle aged man #IDK I was rereading Punk Hazard today while on the train and just. God there's like no difference between Alabasta Croc and Ceasar #I mean there is but no there isn't. Dude was doing essentially the same shit just this time with much more child abuse #And we all agree that Ceasar is scum of the earth and irredeemable.#But also he was doing everything PURELY out of self-interest without ANY sad backstory to counter balance it #I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE MAN I AM LOSING MY MARBLES #Kuma Flashback I Love You but I need to know what the fuck is happening with Crocodile so bad pleeeaaase #There's also like that note about Kuma saying he'd be wiling to make a deal with the devil just to protect his daughter #And If Crocodad Real. What a greater evolution of that but being wiling to BECOME the devil himself to protect your child #Also sorry about the Buggy slander but also not sorry. All that man is good for is being a punching bag for comedy as far as I'm concerned #He's very funny I'll give you that. And I'm looking forward to him and Shanks getting married

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keydekyie · 1 year

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"If you shitheads touch him, I’ll bash your skulls in."

#no doctor I'm actually very normal about my ocs #so normal #Kaelin... Kaelin I got gullivered #I got gullivered so bad #god I LOVE her face I am beyond pleased with her expression #Ruyak just looks like a sad lump #tmatb #tmatb iii #gt #giant/tiny #grace makes art

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moodyseal · 3 months

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I got too deep into the Schema Theory while writing the paper for one of my exams and it got me thinking about Apollo's coping mechanisms yk

Basically the gist of this theory is that, in the eventuality that their primary needs are not satisfied during their formative years, a child might develop a bunch of different behavioural schemes in their adult life (which are too many to be listed here oh my god) that are a direct reflection of how the parent failed them during childhood

For example, one of these schemes is emotional deprivation, which is a person's tendency to emotionally distance themselves from other people due to the fact that they believe they won't be able to comfort them, and it's a scheme that's formed due to the guardian not satisfying the child's emotional needs. Basically it's formed through a "If my parent couldn't do it, then how could others?" sort of mentality

Another one, which I believe is very relevant here, is the sense of failure, which originates due to the guardian's immensely overbearing nature and the continuous dissatisfaction with the child's efforts. As an adult, the child in question believes that they're inept at everything, even if evidence points to the contrary, because of the fundamental belief that they hold that they're a failure

(Does it remind you of anyone?)

Now, these schemes tend to go hand in hand with modes, which are essentially coping mechanisms that the person uses to deal with whatever life throws at them and whatever negative emotion these schemes bring on. One of these modes is the *squints* scheme overcompensation? Anyway what it says on the article I got the info from is that basically people who use this coping mechanism tend to do the opposite of what their behavioural scheme tells them to do. If they're ashamed, they put down others. If they feel like a failure, they boast. (Again. Who does this sound like.)

AT FIRST it seems like a good coping mechanism but it's actually not, because the overcompensation leads to this vicious cycle where the more a person overcompensates, the more the scheme worsens. In Apollo's case, the scheme we're examining here is his sense of failure; in his overcompensation mode, to avoid feeling incompetent he tries to constantly put himself in the spotlight, drawing attention to his talents. However, he does it in such a ridiculous way (perhaps actually in some form of self-sabotage?) that the people around him insult those talents, call him a failure, and thus worsen his feeling of worthlessness.

(This might be tied to the punitive scheme as well, maybe? Considering how keen Zeus was on punishment, Apollo might've developed this scheme as a result, though over the centuries it could've shifted its focus from everyone to just him idk. The change between "I'm punishing everything and everyone for being so stupid, even my own son + this Ptolemaic god who breathed wrong in my direction" to "Actually I'm chill" seems pretty suspicious to me tbh)

ANYWAY all of this is to say that everything he does is so intrinsically tied to the damage Zeus did to him that it hurts. All his behaviours all his coping mechanisms. Everything

The arrogance is not just a façade he built over the years to hide his feeling of unhappiness and guilt!! It's quite literally an abuse response!!!!

And yeah maybe Leto was the one who spent the most time with him and Artemis and who took the most care of them so technically she should be considered his figure of attachment instead of Zeus but then again. How much time did Apollo spend beside her compared to the time he spent at Zeus' side, after the twins became Olympians? What do a few moments with her in a year do against entire centuries with him?

Leto's influence never really mattered. He was doomed since the beginning

#or rather not doomed just. really sad. thank god he's got friends now #shamelessly wrote this so i can memorize it better #it's a very fascinating theory though #i really recommend a read #btw some of this might be wrong bc a) i study medicine and not psychology and b) it's 4 am #actually almost 6? god i'm sleep deprived #anyway please don't mind it #it was just for funziessss!!!#trials of apollo #lonely thoughts #might delete later idk i'll see if this still makes sense in a few hours

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dollsome-does-tumblr · 3 months

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the last scene of season three of killing eve is definitely, like, the true ending of killing eve, isn't it?? you can feel that everything builds to that conversation that they have where they're really honest and open and understanding with each other, and villanelle being the one to initiate walking away out of love for eve shows her growth, and the absolutely stunning choice of MUSIC and the EMOTIONS on their BEAUTIFUL FACES and the TRYING TO WALK AWAY and the TURNING BACK and that magical little chime of hope that rings us out into the end credits. like, that's the absolute perfect moment to end that story on that absolutely sums up everything. the weight of what's happened and the promise of the future; the fact that they just can't stay away from each other presented as something beautiful and golden in that moment instead of something ruinous. i love their time together in the finale of season four because their chemistry is so good and it's so incredible to finally get to see them having fun together and loving each other, but everything felt so off all season, and the end is horrible and empty, and i think it's because they were trying to extend the story past its natural ending, which was that scene on the bridge at the end of season three. i almost wish i could magically eternal sunshine season four's existence out of my brain, except that i don't know if i'm strong enough to part with all the romancey moments from the season four finale. aughhhh!

but truly: killing eve has the perfect series finale, it's just that it happened a season too early.

#and as soon as they decided to not have eve and villanelle be together in s4 after that s3 ending it was just a betrayal of everything #i to this day have no idea why you would make such a god awful horrendous writing choice #agh! agh!!! anyway.#it's funny because part of it is just this weird alchemy where i can't totally voice why the s3 ending is the right ending but you just KNO #that it is. that that's the moment.#anyway i'm sad about this glorious love story ultimately being so mishandled! how are you!#dollsome's deep thoughts #killing eve #you know it's a wild and crazy saturday night when i start pondering Killing Eve Trauma

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astridthevalkyrie · 1 month

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once a mai defender always a mai defender

#god i'll never shut up about mai #i'm so sad she's as underrated as she is #i don't even ship maiko that much it's just #MAI #when she said 'yeah i'm spoiled as long as i don't talk and don't move and obey'#genuinely gutted me #atla

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synthshenanigans · 2 months

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someone had to do it

#fine I'm fine & mayday go together so well ironically #which is the point yes #actually made me a bit sad ngl #just a lil bit #btw Mayday is a REALLY good fuckin song like my god #did not think don't take it personally would tie with something #the instrumentals alone are just. ough #that song shot up to my top ten CJ songs overall #top five even #idk yet i gotta list em all again #chonny jash #moss post #this feels like something that ppl would use on tiktok for an angst twist animation thing #which is cool but we cant have cj blowing up on tiktok again #tho it would be originals this time which would be cool #chonny jash power hour

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xitsensunmoon · 8 months

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Destroying myself with the thought that the only time when Moon could finally roam around the plex without being restricted it's when the Plex is destroyed to pieces and is completely empty. What if Gregory was the last child Moon have interacted with before Cassidy? LIKE DO YOU REALIZE THE LEVEL OF LACK OF SOCIAL INTERACTIONS THIS BOY WAS GOING THROUGH FROM THE MOMENT HE GOT INFECTED WITH VIRUS???? I'm dying.

#xit shh #fnaf dlc #fnaf ruin #god to think about how unwanted he might feel #everyone is trying so hard to avoid his company(for understandable reasons but still)#and the only time he can just BE it's when someone or something fails to contain him #god he's so sad I'm

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novelconcepts · 21 days

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Do you ever just lay awake at night, turning over in your head the stark difference in delivery between Hewson's Van saying--steadily, unshakably--"it's just something that's happening to you...happening to us" and Cypress' Taissa saying--imploringly, whiningly--"this was not just my dream, this was our dream"?

Do you ever just turn it over and over, how often Tai tried to scare Van away, and how it only made Van set her feet more firmly? How Taissa's first love was this person who saw a problem fall into Taissa's lap, a problem that was quite literally trapped inside Taissa's body, and decided unflinchingly: No, that's an us problem now? How she refused point-blank to walk away even with blood in her mouth, how she flatly informed Tai "I'm never gonna be scared of you", and promptly turned a moment of pain into a declaration of love? And how this would etch itself into Taissa for the rest of her life? How she'd take these things that worked with Van--with the person Van was, with the bond they shared--and try so hard to run through an identical script with Simone?

Except Simone is her own person. A completely different kind of person. A person who hasn't been offered any of the context, any of the realities going on inside Taissa. So: naturally she doesn't respond the way Van did at eighteen--and will go on to do all over again in her forties. Naturally, she hears our dream as the excuse it is, not as a plea for connection. Naturally, she is scared away when Taissa pushes, and shouts, and begs. Because there isn't blood in her mouth, not yet, but there will be. And they have a son to worry about. And she isn't eighteen and a special kind of immortal, a special kind of romanticized. She's a grown woman with responsibilities, with priorities, with an understanding that you can't fix someone just because you love them. And Tai can't just perform a revival of the play she and Van had memorized twenty-five years later with a whole new performer in the works, and expect it to shake out the same.

Of course it doesn't work. But look at Taissa trying it. Look at Taissa trying to reframe her first love through a new lens. Trying to recast it. Trying to play it through again. Van taught her love was sticking out the blood, shaking off the pain, making a you problem into an us problem. Does it ever just eat at you, how tragic it is, watching Taissa try to shape her marriage around a woman who isn't even wearing a ring?

#yellowjackets #yj meta #taivan #sorry i'm just fucking obsessed with cypress' delivery choice in that scene #it is the most immature we EVER hear tai sound #and it's not teenage taissa. it's adult wife-mother-almost senator tai flat out whining in desperation #it is SUCH a choice #and then after the S2 opener to hear van sound so adult offering a glimpse as to WHY tai would #so pleadingly seek turning a Tai Thing into an Us Thing #yeah. yeah of course she would. because van shared the worst of her #van shared it without allowing tai to dissaude her. van quite literally tethered herself to tai's problems #and tai learned: that is what love is #and tai thought: this is what love is #it's sharing. and giving up on sharing is surrendering the whole thing #and she's lying! is the thing! she's lying to simone and to herself #she's making excuses for doing what she wants to do even though she shouldn't be doing it #but the core of it is Team. the core of it is Us. the core of it is #'if you love me you will be on my side. for better or worse.'#because that's what van did. for better. and for so much worse.#which isn't true. isn't actually how love works. love is sometimes putting your foot down and saying 'nah dude that ain't it.'#love is communication. but that was never taivan's game and it isn't tai's now and so she's just trying old plays #and it is NOT a play that can ever work the same with simone in the leading role. nor should it.#but god everything about them makes me so sad because simone deserves better and taissa needs what she won't admit to #anyway. will be absolutely gnawing at the walls until S3.

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dailykeiji · 5 months

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today's keiji is: concept art keiji 2: the sequel

#your turn to die #yttd #keiji shinogi #i got the steam version of yttd a like a week or two ago and only just realized that HEY I CAN LOOK AT THE ART BOOK NOW!!!!#i'm a big fan of concept art so i was VERY happy to see moee concept art. but oh my god concept keiji. he looks so old and miserable.......#so sad nankidai didn't keep the stubble. keiji deserves to have facial hair #my art #daily keiji

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