#got around to the subject

[0ccuria]

when you gotta "walk of shame" back to camp because you're a lightweight and got absolutely plastered the night before, shaped into a bear, ran off into the woods and have no idea where your clothes went.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #halsin #bg3 halsin #halsin silverbough #my art #🫣 #this is like the first (real) art I've posted in like.... months??? maybe over a year LMAO #I've been so rabid for Halsin he got me to fucking draw again #so it's really sketchy and shit and I'm hella rusty but whatever #tbh I think he would just walk around camp like this #you WILL be subject to see his bare naked hairy ass

[egophiliac]

How do you imagine Levan/Revan/ Mallenoa's husband?

Appearance, personality etc.

Revaan/Laverne/whatever-his-name-is's title sort of implies that he might be from a fantasy-Eastern country (they've established that in Twstland, 竜 = Eastern-style dragons, andドラゴン = Western-style dragons). and that's about as much as we know right now about...anything in regards to what he might look like. so I've been trying very hard not to form too much of a mental picture of him, because I'm still hoping we'll get to see him (or at least a silhouette)! ergo, in my head, he kind of looks like this:

so handsome. surely Malenoa fell in love at first glance.

I do think the funniest thing about what we've learned so far is that Malleus being kind of quiet and reserved and dignified...absolutely did not come from the Draconias. and he sure as heck did not learn it from Lilia. so he probably got a lot of that from his dad! the vibe I get from how Lilia talks about him is that he could be a bit of a prim little fancyboy sometimes, but was (mostly) willing to go along with his wife's zany antics out of love. he sounds sweet, honestly! I'm sorry he (maybe) died. :(

my favorite thing about Mal's parents is that Malenoa and Lilia's dynamic was "long-suffering guard and princess who has long been the cause of said suffering":

but then they would happily join forces in order to gang up on Revaan:

tl;dr Revaan was the straightman in Malenoa and Lilia's comedy act until it all ended horribly whoops

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #can't wait to be proven wrong about all of this! #no seriously if it means more episode 7 i literally cannot wait #oh revaan. hopefully they will not make us wait much longer to learn...anything at all about you #international relations probably got a lot easier once he was around to do the diplomatic stuff #the malenoa-revaan-lilia dynamic seemed to largely revolve around lilia and revaan's shared understanding #that malenoa does whatever she wants and neither of them can stop her #god i love them #while we're on the subject i found out the other day that the romanization of the name eleanor is エレノア #so i wonder if malenoa is actually meant to be something like maleanor as a takeoff on that #i am going to stick with malenoa for now but i think that's kind of cute! #we desperately need some kind of confirmation on revaan's name though twst please #if malleus' dad is actually named laverne i need to know

[stuckinapril]

i literally have the bestest friends ever. like of all time

#i don’t have a single right to feel lonely having such an amazing core unit of friends around me. i am surrounded w so much love #got this text while sitting on the ground w my textbooks sprawled around me alternating between 8227 different subjects #reaching a fucking CEILING #then i read this. and my heart is full and i got this #life is GOOD i am good i am happy and one day i will be a doctor helping people and i can’t wait #she’s in med school/was pre-med w me but there’s literally no competition bw us. no toxic pre-med culture #we push each other to grow and are proud of each other’s accomplishments and tell each other so much #insane how we met through my ex of all people. the main reason i dont regret meeting him #literally cannot wait to see her this weekend i’ve missed her sm #i’m so blessed. that’s all #p

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

cant scribble it out bc its too Involved but here's a Laughingstock thought that just feels Right:

im imagining them sitting down and going through a list of pet names to use for each other. like Howdy has a clipboard, Barnaby's sitting across the counter, they're going through the list and striking out the ones that don't work. playfully teasing each other about certain suggestions, losing it over a Bit where they try to call each other the names in the most sickeningly sweet lovey-dovey voices and see who cracks first, mutually making fun of some options, getting flustered when they find one they like. yeah <3

#also for some reason my brain is latching onto howdy calling barnaby 'dove' i dont know why #it just feels right that they'd actually make a List and go through it #in my mind they got julie to whip up the list for them since i feel like she'd have Ideas and Knowledge on the subject #maybe she goes around the neighborhood and asks everyone for suggestions #its a very casual yet domestic scene in my mind... #chatting over the counter As They Do (their love language <3). howdy with his clipboard & barnaby with his soda #every once in a while Howdy has to step away to tend to (scam) a customer and barnaby watches with no small amount of fondness #at some point wally comes by and asks what theyre doing & Learns Something New #an exchange i have in my mind is: #howdy - making a suggestion: Darling? #wally: yes? #howdy: ... #barnaby: .... #howdy: *scratches out endearment* that'd be a no #laughingstock #maybe... maybe barn calls howdy 'lovebug' #other ones i think fit are like... 'steady' (mutually used) & 'doll/angelface' (howdy @ barn) & 'handsome/gorgeous' & pal (romantic) #i also feel like they'd have fun making up stuff on the spot #absolutely random words. its a running bit they have #they call each other literally the first thing they can think of - cereal. jam jar. sponge. freshly squeezed lemonade. lawnmower #im not very funny but They Would Be about it #another running joke i think they'd have #would be using more 'traditional' pet names around others just to get the Exasperated Sighs and Annoyed Groans #but then as soon as they're being serious about its the most random weirdest endearments you've ever heard #and its rarely the same one twice #OUGH I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS ABOUT THEMMMMM

[felicitybrood]

I figured out what was bugging me about the new Zeus artwork, why he feels less "grand" or impactful,

He's not holding anything, he just kinda standing there. It feels more like he just standing there trying to be imposing but not actually coming across as powerful? Or at least more powerful than the other gods. Where's your big bad lightning bolts old man?

#He looks kinda old and annoyed #and maybe thats on purpose due to the circumstance but idk #it feels less impactful than his old art #but 1) the art is still really beautiful! and 2) its early access art and is subject to change so ＞﹏＜ #not a huge deal but ive got hades 2 thoughts bumbling around my head #hades 2 #hades game #hades 2 spoilers #i guess?

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Hi!! I love this series so much, and as someone who hasn’t really drawn since they were a kid but wants to start as a hobby, do you have any advice for sort of learning to doodle on paper and get better at it? I want to start but I don’t really know how/where

The most important step in getting better at any skill is Persistence and Consistency. Practice and keep practicing! The best way to do that is to keep it fun! Picking a project helps generate ideas (e.g. drawing Pokémon, or characters from a series you like). There are also a ton of monthly prompt lists out there!

I also highly recommend scheduling in a 'drawing/practice' time in your day. For me, I started with 30-60 min before bed (bonus: its a good 'no screentime' activity), and the habit took root there.

There are a lot of 'technical' things to study but find the fun first. At a certain point you will discover you've hit a wall, and have a specific aspect/goal you want to target (colour theory, anatomy, lighting, comic layout). Then it's time to go looking for resources.

Once you have the habit and some goals, go collect some inspiration! Find people who inspire you and study their work!

Another little 'art skill builder' I recommend is the Shrimp Method! Only if you find technical challenges like this fun though (Example of one of my studies below)

#art faqs #TL;DR: Step 1 is 'Just start drawing'. Step 2 is 'Keep on drawing'. Step 3 is 'Hit a wall and start studying only as much as you want' #Step 4: keep it fun and keep drawing. #I think this is where artists who start young have the advantage over adult learners #because adults try to tackle art at the technical point first! #AND THAT JUST FEELS LIKE A CHORE!! #When I got into piano & string instruments I started by just doodling around. Banging out the tunes and experimenting. #The low pressure made it fun! I started lessons because I wanted to learn more! #I personally own quite a few art textbooks! Some are workbook/prompt-based (to help me get started) #and some are actual textbooks! But I certainly didn't start by reading a textbook. #I *highly* recommend Scott McCloud's 'understanding comics' for anyone trying to get into comics #its also a comic in of itself so its a fun read! It breaks down a lot of the key aspects of what's in a comic. #And tbh you don"t HAVE to trace for the shrimp method to work. Just take the time to do a study of a subject! #Good luck on your art journey! B*)

[unsat-and-strange]

jonny d'villes heart ticks audibly. the crew can hear it during the few and far between quiet moments on board the aurora. it's so steady, tick tick tick, a reminder that he is there and they are all alive together, never speeding up or slowing down. sometimes they joke about using it as a metronome during practice.

jonnys heart ticks. he can hear it every waking moment. tick tick tick. it never slows down, even in the deepest sleep according to the rest of the crew. it never speeds up even when his blood is more adrenaline then actual blood, times when normal peoples hearts would be racing. whether he's laughing his ass off or terrified for his life (I guess old habits die hard?) it. never. speeds. up. sometimes it's fine, he can ignore it but there are days when the constant tick tick tick tick tick tick tick is too much. the days when he has to drown out the sound with gunfire and screams or music loud enough to make his ears bleed. some days even that barely cuts it and he debates putting a bullet in his head just to make it quiet for a few hours. the rest of the crew has gotten pretty good at recognizing those days, and they know how to help him get through them, just like he knows how to help his crew through their bad days. nastya will bring him into the near deafening engine room and theyll play with power tools until their hands are covered in grease and grit, or Tim will sit him down on a speaker and play the bass so loud the whole ship can feel it, or Marius and raphaella will tell him about unethical medical practices they've witnessed/performed or Brian will just hold him close until the rhythms of the metal man's body distract from the tick tick tick tick of his own heart. the constant tick of immortality is loud. jonny can't deny his luck in finding a crew that is almost always louder.

#ebb rambles #the mechanisms #sorry guys jonny got into my brain #ending feels kinda weird I think I had this better worded in my head but hey whatever I guess #jonny dville #should I tags this for body horror? maybe a little? #body horror #I saw some post about how Tim's eyes should be unsettling and I've been kinda inspired with the idea of unsettling mechs #when my thoughts on the subject are a bit more in order I'll make a coherent post about it but for now you get jonny and his heart :) #kinda want to draw something based around this but haven't figured out what #ebb writes some stuff #poetry #kinda #I guess #should probably tag the other mechs I mentioned lol #gunpowder tim #nastya rasputina #marius von raum #raphaella la cognizi #drumbot brian

[uncanny-tranny]

People are endlessly charming when you actually get to know and appreciate them. Like, people are just wandering about and they have favourite colours that make them so happy, and some people will specifically look for products or food or knickknacks in their favourite colour and so many people wear that colour and feel instantly more confident??? 😭😭😭

There are so many tiny details that I think when you learn to notice them, it makes each person so beautiful and charming and enchanting just because they exist

#positivity #like i got my practice yarn partially because it was cheap but also it came in *my* colour 😭 #and people walk around having favourite flowers and movies and dinosaurs and insects and food 😭 #fuck it; put in the tags you lr favourite things if i don't know every little thing about humanity i will die incomplete #i'm over the existential dread of loathing and bitterness - i have experienced enough of it from others and i never deserved that #so why do i deserve to subject myself to more bitterness for humanity #(the same goes for you) #when i was making this post my cat came to sleep right next to me 😭 #my cat is part of humanity and her favourite toy is a pink spring toy (because she lost her yellow spring toy)

[the-worms-in-your-bones]

I am once again going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out the ages of the Gallifrey characters

#idk why my brain gets so caught up on this but it does #I’m also talking like start of gallifrey because I’m not getting into all that for them now #what bothers me the most is that we’ve got basically nothing on Narvin #I can’t remember for sure but I don’t even think we know what regeneration he’s on #I don’t think it would be hard to assume his first but also it could not be #like for brax we know he’s older than the doctor so that puts him at at least 1000 #and romana is around 600 years younger than the doctor so she’d be around 400 #and then I’m going with 50 ish for leela because we don’t know her actual age so I’m using Louise jamesons age plus the time she spent #married to andred #also with romana that’s assuming that her and the doctor experienced the same amount of time in between them traveling together and the #start of gallifrey #I guess that could also count for brax too but whatever #for narvin what we’ve got is that he was above the rank of a junior agent under vansell during the time of the fourth doctor #(at least probably) #so we can make the assumption that he wasn’t fresh out of the academy/cia training #which makes me inclined to say that he’s older than romana #but that’s really all I’ve got on him #doctor who #gallifrey #romana #irving braxiatel #narvin #leela #clearly this is a subject I am normal about #if anyone else makes it this far in my rant and has any insights I’d love to hear them

[mattodore]

everyone say hi jordan ✌

#simblr #the sims 4 #sims 4 #ts4 #ts4 cas #river dipping #jordan lesaint #echthroi #🦇 #okay so for NOW this is jordan <3 tho this is subject to change... a little funny i'm already thinking abt switching his eyebrows lmao #but that's 2/4 of theo's friends done now :) jordan is the oldest of the group and he's a graffiti (mostly) artist as well as a musician #he's my little art school drop out vinyl record obsessed flower boy drummer MWAH #i should've given him a backpack bc he's always got one around his shoulder it's where he keeps his art materials yk #i also wanna find inhaler cc for whenever i make his apartment #he's either my oldest (inception not age) or my second oldest oc... actually hang on he'd be more like the second oldest or third oldest... #sunny was my oldest but i benched her years ago rip #i can't remember if jordan came before or after theo so idk if he's second or third but yeah <3 wasn't originally part of echthroi #bc echthroi is theo's story obviously but i added jordan to it later as one of theo's friends #anyway............... totally meant to post this earlier but i got caught up watching love is blind #i disliked last season but this one is really fun. my one (1) guilty pleasure reality show. #khadija mbowe put me on it with their ''love is...produced insecure and completely unhinged'' video essay <3 #me promoting khadija any chance what can i say

[feroluce]

When Al Haitham dreams, it's in shades of sandy blonde and red, metallic gold and feather-blue. His nightmares are colored much the same.

Kaveh leisurely strolls ahead of him, shoes leaving deep treads in the soft desert sand. He keeps a careful distance, arms length, and in return Al Haitham keeps an eye on him, the other man's back dead center in his sights.

He curses the sand in his boots and the long line of footprints he steps into, already the exact shape of the soles of his shoes.

They aren't lost. Al Haitham knows where they are. They've been here before. They are still here.

Kaveh doesn't watch their feet. His head is constantly tipped back with his eyes on the stars and their constellations (of which Al Haitham only knows two, Vultur Volans and Paradisaea). He'll walk right into a cactus like that. Al Haitham yells ahead for him to watch where he's going.

Kaveh reaches up to touch the side of his head in a strange motion, but otherwise there's no acknowledgement. They press on into the dark of night.

Something squelches beneath Al Haitham's boot.

It stops him short, pulls his attention like a magnet and as much as he wants to, he can't ignore it. He doesn't want to lose any more ground. But something won't let him move on. Al Haitham watches as red seeps into the golden sand, spills beyond the border of his bootprint until he slides his foot aside.

It's an ear.

It's a human ear, and there's a heavy earring attached, metallic gold, gems red and green, a familiar shape, a familiar shade-

Al Haitham opens his mouth to yell. Chokes. Swallows the lump in his throat as he quickly restarts his pace. Tries again.

"Hey!"

Another squelch under a hurried footstep. He doesn't stop to look. Al Haitham is pretty sure he knows what it is.

"Kaveh, hey!"

The path becomes littered, little slices and small pieces, fingertips and knuckles, Kaveh's arms once held casually behind his back now strewn along the sands. Every time Al Haitham extends his hand to him, reality warps and bends like the twisted image in a broken mirror, lines mismatched and edges jagged. Kaveh flits just beyond his grasp, fleeting fae, no longer able to hear him or to reach out to him. Al Haitham can only grit his teeth and follow.

His right foot marches forward. His left follows. His right again. His left suddenly doesn't follow, and Al Haitham is thrown off balance and pitches forward, swinging his arms outward to land on his palms and keep his face off the ground, because he's been in the desert enough times to know what a foot suddenly being stuck can mean.

Quicksand.

Al Haitham curses and swears in just about every language he knows as he tries to spread his weight as evenly as possible, stay afloat at the top of it because if he sinks, he knows he'll be done for, and shit, Kaveh.

His neck cranes uncomfortably in his search, Kaveh had only been a few feet in front of him, he can't be sunk much further, and he's in the desert much more often than Al Haitham anyway, he'll be familiar with what to do-

Kaveh stands in front of him, empty sleeves fluttering loose. Still just out of his grasp, still watching the stars. The quicksand is already up to his calves.

"Say, Al Haitham..." It's the first he's spoken this whole time. His voice resonates somewhere deeply nostalgic in Al Haitham's chest, produces a ripple that momentarily stuns his heart.

Kaveh is sinking.

Al Haitham stretches out on his belly as far as he's able, it's quickly up to his knees, Kaveh isn't even trying to redistribute his weight or pull himself out, it's at his thighs, Al Haitham sucks in a breath and yells for him, his hips, yells louder, his waist, Al Haitham's trembling fingertips can almost reach, his chest, Kaveh drops level with him, quicksand about his neck like a noose.

Kaveh's head tips back, back, impossibly far back, until it hangs, angle awkward, and he's looking right past Al Haitham with his tired smile and gouged, blinded sockets full of starlight.

"Do you believe in karma?"

The quicksand swallows him entirely and Al Haitham dives, shoves his arms deep and pushes off with the one foot he'd had left on safe ground, because he can't, he can't, it's not the same without Kaveh, not anymore, he needs him, no one else keeps him sharp, no one else challenges him like Kaveh, if he can just grab him, if he can just pull him back up-

Al Haitham thrashes, against the sands, against gravity, against the hardwood of his bedroom floor. Clumsily scrubs the back of his hand across his face to rub the grit of quicksand and sleep out of his eyes.

Sometimes he thinks he preferred it when the Akasha was still harvesting his dreams.

He pops his head out from under his weighted blanket and lays where he'd fallen out of bed for a moment, blinking blearily against the lamplight shining from his desk in the corner. Deep breaths. His consciousness shifts along the blurred line of nightmare and reality, crosses over the slow transition into wakeful awareness.

He's home, Kaveh is home. It's dark out. The house is dead silent.

He's just going to go check, he tells himself as he peels himself out of his sweat-soaked shirt and roots around for a replacement. He's already losing memories of his nightmare, the details spilling away from him like wet ink, but he knows he needs to see Kaveh. It'll feel better to do something, anything, than try to go straight back to sleep.

He's quiet when he slips out of his bedroom door, because they both keep late hours but their bedrooms are right next to each other, and Al Haitham will never hear the end of it if he wakes his roommate up.

Lights off, door shut. Nothing conclusive. He moves out to the main room.

Kaveh sits on one of those ridiculous sofas he'd ordered three of for some reason, back to him as he tucks a lock of hair behind his ear. A mostly-empty wine bottle stands tall on the table, next to the cobbled-together remains of an architectural model that's been picked and fussed over for four days straight now.

"Kaveh? What are you doing?"

This earns him an exaggerated startle, but Kaveh doesn't turn to look at him, preoccupied with whatever new sketch or blueprint he probably has in his hands. "Ohhh, nothing," he slurs cheerfully. "Just working. Just thinking."

Kaveh has always been the world's chattiest drinker. Al Haitham waits for the rest of it.

"Say, I think...I think I asked you this years ago, back then, but you never answered me." Al Haitham feels all the blood drain from his face in ominous familiarity, drip cold down the length of his spine. Kaveh sinks into the couch until he can tip his head over the back of it, looking up at him with a tired smile and exhausted eyes.

"Do you believe in karma?"

#genshin impact #haikaveh #al haitham #kaveh #kavehtham #these two have had me chewing concrete lately god #3.6 got me frothing at the mouth #something about al haitham trying to save kaveh from himself and his own guilt complex and self-sabotage wheeee my heart #and he's normally so self-assured but he fucked it up spectacularly the first go around- good job baby- #and now it's years later he's trying again but it's something he's barely chipping away at not to mention Kaveh not wanting his help lol #and so some of Al Haitham's nightmare is objective fact and some of it is his own subjective pov #Kaveh loses his arms and ears bc al haitham is frustrated that he won't hear him out or reach out for help #and he keeps his eyes up and eventually blinds himself bc al haitham thinks of him as too idealistic and blind to reality #and kaveh does all this to himself bc when you ask al haitham about his troubles he talks about people who cause trouble for themselves #kaveh pondering the concept of karma in relation to his bad luck and misery and guilt about his father's death in the quicksand *fans self* #al haitham starting to get just a little nervous that maybe he really he can't do anything about this #or that one day it'll be too little late ough. love when I can whump character by whumping the other. #two for one special buy one get one two birds stoned at once type of deal #i have a Vision about them and their stupid dumbass relationship dynamic that I need to yell about later but for now: this #written while listening to A Sadness Runs Through Him by The Hoosiers which hilariously was introduced to me as a pla Emmet song #'but here was a man mourning tomorrow; he tried to finally drown in his sorrow' #'oh he could not break surface tension; he looked in the wrong place for redemption' #'don't look at me with those eyes; I tried to unheave the ties; turn back the tide that drew him in' #'but he couldn't be saved' #'a sadness runs through him' #extremely kaveh and haikaveh song for me ough #my fics #gore #body horror #I mean it's pretty unrealistic but still just in case

[firstroseofspring]

b’elanna vs her mother at similar ages, plus some sketches!

#my art #star trek voyager #my very first deanna…. my original obsession. if i ever read as much about betazoids as i do klingons we’re all in grave danger #also wrt the first image b'elanna is. 12 years old and as such is about to go emo mode but not quite yet. the girly girl thing is a front #sometime in winter she'll chop her hair off without permission #what do we think? human girl look to fit into the image her father has while he's still around or after to try and get him back? #miral is also a little bookish like b'elanna but on different subjects.... likes to keep to herself naturally but is also loudmouthed and #got told she shared her opinion too often a lot in university. didn't stop her though she speaks up when she thinks (knows) she's right #what did she study? don't ask me my answer changes with the weather #botany....linguistics.....military strategy.....chemistry....... uhmmmm religious studies. or even better the klingon system doesn't have #starfleet equivalents and she spent ages 15-22 doing apprenticeships for a certain (or multiple) disciplines #anyway. #kessik 2352 b'elanna has trouble sitting still for photos until she gets a little older so all the pics from before 7 are of her father #physically holding her so that she won't wander OR off guard shots or super blurry. theres more videos of that time than anything

[thecrimsonjaguar]

some old ass subject delta doodles. ive changed his face a bit since ive drawn these, but i figured id finally release these into the wild anyway

and teeny fambily

#bioshock 2 #subject delta #johnny topside #the face mask thing was meant to be like. #so he cant turn his head while the helmet is on #and i was thinking about what delta's got under his suit #and i figured that the early models (like himself) would have a layer of padding underneath #the straps on his limbs/hands/fingers are like. anchor points for his suit to latch onto #so things dont slide around in battle or while welding #and then i put him in inconspicuous civilian clothing #nobody will suspect a thing #7 ft tall man and his hoard of daughters dressed in a trench coat only speaks whale #most normal guy on the block everything's fine #the guy next to trench coat delta is there for scale. but im not sure what i was scaling tbh #the faces are the old designs #ill get around to sharing the newer ones eventually

[epersonae]

You were discussing fics where Stede finds out what Izzy did, and I wanted to share my humble contribution: archiveofourown.org/works/54961618 It's less talking and more . . . Stede being utterly outraged and dealing with things.

Your fic I spit on your grave was so good--very satisfying and cathartic. <3

I did laugh reading that, like possibly an inappropriate amount. thank you so much anon.

(Taking Out the Trash (Season 3 Cold Open))

btw, I am putting together an AO3 collection on this topic, more submissions welcome - right now it has yours, mine, one by @piratecaptainscaptainpirates, and one by @chocolatepot, all of which have very different vibes but riffing on the same themes.

I'm doing the collection with bookmarks rather than directly adding the fics, just because that seems easier. At some point I might add a description or whatever, also right now it's open but moderated.

#anon asks #ofmd #ofmd fic #this is an important subject to me for Personal Reasons ™️ #and from the response I got in my fic and in a post that keeps going around: it is to a lot of other people too

[fernsnailz]

what are your thoughts on the 1996 Sonic OVA ? Its one i bring up often with my friends cause i just think its both so charming and really adds a bit of character for others, even in tiny ways. Also metal sonic my boy <3

so. i've never actually watched the sonic ova

#i want to watch it but i just never got around to it somehow #currently trying to decide which friend will be subjected to a watch party with me #fernasks

[queenlucythevaliant]

Here's what I'll say regarding choice of worship music (and I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, so bear with me): I think it's very easy to get burned out on specific kinds of worship, no matter what they are. And that kind of burn-out is hard.

I grew up at a church that did 95% CCM for worship, and after a while it either (a) exhausted me emotionally or (b) bored me. By the time I hit high school, I really really struggled with corporate worship because it felt as though I wasn't responding as I was supposed to. Getting to sing mostly hymns at the church I attended at college was a huge breath of fresh air, and it helped me immensely in terms of re-orienting my heart towards Christ-centered worship (as opposed to me-centered worship.) For the first time in my life, I found myself listening to Christian music on my own time during the week.

I watched the recent Jesus Revolution movie with mom over the summer. Her family started attending Calvary Chapel (then-nascent hippy church in Orange County) midway through her childhood, and she got really excited talking about the difference between the hymns she remembered from early elementary school ("we sang the whole hymnal rather than selecting for the really good ones like they do at your church") and the much more dynamic music that came out of Maranatha and other early "contemporary" Christian groups. She actually played me a whole bunch of the songs she grew up with the next morning. They sounded horrifically cheesy to me, but she got real joy out of it and even ended up texting a few songs to my aunt.

And yet, my mom has remarked a whole bunch of times to me that she really can't stand current CCM; that she desperately misses singing the old hymns. I look at myself and my own experience and I can totally see myself coming back to some of the CCM songs I grew up with and encountering Christ through them all new again. As recently as last month, I had a really beautiful experience driving back from a concert crazy late at night with my sister and listening to some of the old Chris Tomlin and Hillsong stuff that I hadn't heard in a while. It brought me back to a sense of incredible comfort and safety nestled up against God like a baby chick. Do I want to worship with that sort of music every week right now? No, definitely not. But it has its place.

Obviously worship transcends something as incidental as music genre. It's an expression of why we were created: glorifying God and enjoying him forever --- and yet, because of the fall, it's really easy to get burned out on specific expressions of worship. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing so much as just a symptom of the fall. I also think that people who are really burned out on a particular kind of worship can be really, really obnoxious about it. I know I was for a while, and I still definitely have my hangups with CCM.

But like- I don't think it's so much about judgement or superiority towards the kind of worship music that you're burnt out on as it is just the overwhelming sense that that kind of worship music felt exhausting and this kind of music actually feels like I'm able to worship again. I know when I started singing hymns at church, it just felt like I'd found the Rosetta Stone. I was suddenly so much less in my own head on Sunday mornings and oh my goodness singing to God was a joy again and I can't remember but I don't think it's ever been a joy like this before has it?? It was almost like my head was spinning with some great new revelation and when I was obnoxious about it it was mostly a manifestation of my being like Why didn't anyone ever tell me it could be like this? Why isn't everyone singing hymns? It's just so much better this way!

Mostly, it just feels like saying "don't be overly critical of how other Christians like to worship" kind of. Misses the trees for the forest, if that makes sense? Like, it's accurate to the big picture, it's absolutely a true and worthwhile thing to say. But at the same time it kind of rankles for me because it misses how it feels to be truly and deeply alienated by the kind of worship you're exposed to.

For better and for worse, worship is (I think) the spiritual discipline that engages the emotions most directly. The feeling of being in a group of people all worshipping together, and your heart just isn't responding right no matter how you try to re-focus and orient it? It's one of the loneliest feelings I know.

#long and rambling #what else is new #I've been chewing on a couple of the worship posts floating around (from liz kaylie and ella? i think?) #they're all very good and true posts and yet i was having sort of prickly reactions to them #not defensive exactly so much as just. hypersensitive? idk #so I've been mulling and this is what I've got on the subject #also worth noting that a lot of this is tangled up with my very-concurrent experiences with chronic illness #and all the grief and emotion-in-God's-direction thereof #anyway #only thou art holy #pontifications and creations #sunday school kid #unproofed. if there are any big errors I'll fix later. it's crazy late and i should not be posting on Tumblr #do please chime in if you've had similar experiences and let me know I'm not crazy lol