#got my daily seratonin

[aloeverawrites]

Me visibly shaken after reading And Then There Were None, in one go: Christie you madwoman

#she went off- #older media deserves to be hyped as much as new media so here I am #but oh my god holy gosh #brain re-written #got my daily seratonin #it helps I had a classical music playlist going at the same time and The Swan started playing at the dramatic bit *chefs kiss #agatha christie #and then there were none #dark academia #literature #think that fixed me to be honest with you #I really needed to read a real book didn't I can feel the cobwebs clearing out

[kavehater]

Guys help I’m so psyched out by people talking ***at*** me what is happening

#okay I’m totally over reacting and being over dramatic LOLS #but I doubt it’s the most expected thing for my group mate to dm me saying #“hey” #then fifty yrs later asks “how are you?” #out of the blue #I’m scared did I do something #sobsssss #the hey thing is such an alhaitham thing to do like no salam no kalam just hi. #my brother does this too and I mentally slap him in my head #anyways back to the topic where you saying how am I this gives discord boy vibes and I don’t like it #LOLLLL #dora daily #putting don’t ask how I am in my non existent dni #ALSO I GOT THE WEIRDEST ASK ON MY OTHER ACCOUNT like i barely get any and then i just see that ;-; #like once in a blue moon occurance and that’s what I get srsly 😭 #I’m not begging for asks I’m just saying like to have none then get that random one which is just a link to the play store BRUH I DONT EVEN #USE THE PLAYSTORE #smh wasted seratonin 🙄

[itlivesproject]

First off…………….matthiASS CLAP CLAP THEM CHEEKS BABY YESSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT ALL OF THAT! Can’t wait for him to betray me 🥰

Second, question time! I got 5 MCs right now. Because. All of them could see Matthias wink at them when he made that bright ass light with the Power when they were confronting SPOILER except my MC who coincidentally (or not) is romancing him. She was absolutely blinded and didn’t get no wink wink. The dialogue was different. What are the variables for that? Is it just whoever is romancing him? Or is it Shadow vs Blood? Is that a spoiler? THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE BEST STORY/GAME EVERRRRR! 💕❤️💖💗🥵

Man I am living for these Matthias simping anons. Absolutely living for it I tell you. Thank you for my daily dose of seratonin anon 🥰🥰

As for the variants, we cannot disclose anything about those, I can only say there are some walkthroughs out there you could look into 👀

#anon #ask #mod maggie

[hopipp]

[people I want to get to know better]

tagged by @mythesque !! thanks friend i haven’t done one of these in a while! this is a chaotic time for me because I have 5 million hyperfixations right now 😃

Last Song: The Chain by Fleetwood Mac because I’m still in OFMD mode. Am anxiously awaiting the new Florence album that comes out this week though!

Last Show: Don’t remember which one I watched most recently from start to end but it was either Heartstopper (wholesome af) or the Semantic Error drama (also 10/10) which are both just very gay and seratonin-boosting.

Currently Watching: I’ve got a freaking list lol. So there’s Derry Girls (literally the funniest thing ever. My comfort series), the Owl House, Drag Race España (team Juriji!), Survivor 42 (team Omar), and One Piece (I usually don’t watch the anime and just read the manga but they’re currently animating a really good part so I can’t resist). Also, I’m rewatching Naruto for the first time since high school and am currently on Shippuden (if my constant sns spamming wasn’t indication). I think that’s all of it? I watch Jeopardy most nights too.

Was also just thinking how there hasn’t been much anime lately that’s interested me so I’ve been rewatching the classics. Idk. Is it just me being picky? I remember I used to watch like 5 series per season back in the day and now I watch a few new ones a year.

tagging some moots: @twinheroes @bigdickpizza @bnessz @enno-shita @sanjiko @kara-suno and anyone else who wants to do it!

Currently Reading: I have indeed subscribed to Dracula Daily and am having a blast reading everyone’s silly text posts with my morning coffee. Along with most of the stuff I’ve mentioned on this text post I’m keeping it all on my other blog (@kaijules) because this one is strictly anime/cartoons.

#also if anyone wants to follow my one piece blog its @gay-pirate-anime #im pretty active on there too #:)

[digitalmeowmix]

Happy 10th Birthday/Gotcha Day Pixie

February 16th 2013 I brought home the craziest cat I’ve ever met . She recreated ceiling cat, popped opens bags of chips, broke a mirror, went head first down a laundry chute, and ran up a lampshade. My hands and ankles are constantly covered in scratches and bites . She has to be knocked out every vet visit or she will maim someone . She lets me use her as a pillow as we rot away in my bed together . She’s soft and fat and beautiful . We both have autism . She loves carbs .She looks like a princess but has a temper like The Hulk . She’s a an essential part of my mental and emotional well being and daily seratonin even though she’s a huge bitch .

My favorite war criminal baby girl . I would die for her .

She got sliced Turkey and catnip and treats to celebrate. I love you forever Pixie . 😻🥰

#Pixie #cats of tumblr

[rainbows-and-whumperflies]

you ever come back to tumblr twenty minutes after you make a post. desperately hoping someone interacted with it. knowing that nobody did and you checked fine minutes ago. BUT SOMEONE ACTUALLY DID

#someone liked my post #and then followed me #guys I got my daily seratonin

[hollow-moonz]

@custardcreamzzzz makes my brain turn to mush.

Knock knock, here’s your daily seratonin✨

Tag your crush on anon

P.s. you got 3 more of these my guy!

#crushes

[adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy]

andrea happy valentines day!! idk if you remember me but j was lovelyhoneybeewrites (i sent you that messagw abt vampirerry and wisdom teeth reader like way long ago) anyways i deactivated my acc bc it was too stressful but i keep a pge w your blog open bc youre my daily dose of seratonin. sending you love on love day <33

OH MY GOD YES I REMEMBER 🥺🥺🥺🥺 IM SO SORRY YOUR BLOG GOT STRESSFUL AND YOU HAD TO LEAVE 😔😔 THANK YOU FOR KEEPING UP WITH ME, AND IM SENDING YOU EVEN MORE LOVE BACK 😚😚💕💕💕🤲

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP memes from stuff I read on Reddit 9/12/2020

Glitter is eternal.

I don't think I ever got all of the glitter out of my car.

Hide a ticking clock in their vents.

Your father's love language is "gifts" but sadly the dialect he speaks is "shitty"

What do you do if someone casually gives you a toilet?

I wish I had a pet goose.

We have been cheated.

That’s the kind of shit that makes you angry late at night.

I think they've shrunken in size over the years.

No one else thinks this is creepy?

What makes this creepy for you?

If this isn’t real, then I don’t want life to be either.

I would motorboat the hell out of that tummy first

It's a cult.

I thought it was a group of baby ferrets.

I had to use a back door channel to access the data, but it didnt take too long once I was in.

Doesn’t every young child love ninjas?

That is both heartwarming and wildly upsetting.

King Candy was the antichrist.

I want to hear a cow symphony now.

He farted over 50 times in row.

I used to skateboard with a dude that could bend over, suck air in to his ass and fart on command.

Maybe he could fart a flute and be a flautulist.

I came so hard one time that I farted.

The cow is wondering why that guy just asked it out.

Where do you live that you aren't allowed outdoors?

Idk about you guys but I think that foot looks underage.

How dare this school teach small children that all people are equal?

How dare they teach science in school!

Kill the human.

How do you get rid of the hand?

I want to see some fuckin puppies.

No joke, I don't want to see pictures of babies.

Some people think human babies are the pinnacle of cuteness, some think they look like mangled flesh colored Michellin men.

A pirates life for me!

The incompetence is truly stunning.

I think it's pretty well known that water doesn't flow upward.

There's some whores in this house.

Just to be prepared, I carry a briefcase with an emergency drain.

Waffle stomp- when you shit in the shower and stomp it into the drain making a waffle like shape from the holes in the drain.

Not the stupid shit on the right, the stupid shit on the left.

All you need to know is that shit rolls down hill.

My nipples are fully inverted but sometime poke their little heads out.

Why not just cut holes where the nipples are? That would be interesting.

I suppose I can't prove that they didn't get paid for just that one comment.

Ah, so they still find the spandex at least a little funny then.

A surprise to be sure but a welcome one.

If you work hard you just get screwed.

What do you mean it’s “not very effective”?

That's haunting, sad, beautiful and everything all at once.

There's a thousand pieces of street art here.

Some people just don't like living.

It's very violent and not ok in my opinion.

Sitting in the dark, with a flare gun, a flashlight, some strong medical cannabis, and a shitload of super cozy blankets.

THE COOKIE MONSTER PANTS

They are strangely timeless.

Don't forget the random face sores that seemingly show up out of nowhere.

Wait, do Americans not own electric kettles?

It was pretty soul crushing coming home for a whole weekend of partying, seratonin all used up but still to speedy to sleep, just laying in bed with my ears ringing from the music all night but still being able to hear the birds sing.

What's really soul crushing is the fact that the girl you connected with on "such a deep level" bounced before you even woke up and you realized she was just hanging with you because you had coke.

Goddamn, I do not miss my early 20’s.

I think the worst response is to become contemptuous of your past self.

Daily 12 pack?

He was probably thinking "Ahh that used to be me. Don't be me, kid."

There was 1 person dressed normally just going into town and there I was in a bear coat next to 2 almost naked people.

I woke up on some rando's couch at 6 and wanted to drive home and sleep in my own bed, but my roommates took my keys and I didn't know where he was at the time.

I once got so drunk at a party that I passed out and woke up tied to a telephone pole in the neighborhood with bungie cables. I opened my eyes and some kids were standing there staring at me.

Maybe that's why they haunt them, for taking such care of their graves!

Maybe even a little ghost sex once and a while. Ghosts have needs too.

For 80 dollars an hour I’d even bring beers to all the ghosts so they can have a fun time.

She's a kid AND deceased.

Why not a threesome with both?

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay memes #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #reddit

[sebastianshaw]

RP memes from stuff I read on Reddit 9/12/2020

Glitter is eternal.

I don't think I ever got all of the glitter out of my car.

Hide a ticking clock in their vents.

Your father's love language is "gifts" but sadly the dialect he speaks is "shitty"

What do you do if someone casually gives you a toilet?

I wish I had a pet goose.

We have been cheated.

That’s the kind of shit that makes you angry late at night.

I think they've shrunken in size over the years.

No one else thinks this is creepy?

What makes this creepy for you?

If this isn’t real, then I don’t want life to be either.

I would motorboat the hell out of that tummy first

It's a cult.

I thought it was a group of baby ferrets.

I had to use a back door channel to access the data, but it didnt take too long once I was in.

Doesn’t every young child love ninjas?

That is both heartwarming and wildly upsetting.

King Candy was the antichrist.

I want to hear a cow symphony now.

He farted over 50 times in row.

I used to skateboard with a dude that could bend over, suck air in to his ass and fart on command.

Maybe he could fart a flute and be a flautulist.

I came so hard one time that I farted.

The cow is wondering why that guy just asked it out.

Where do you live that you aren't allowed outdoors?

Idk about you guys but I think that foot looks underage.

How dare this school teach small children that all people are equal?

How dare they teach science in school!

Kill the human.

How do you get rid of the hand?

I want to see some fuckin puppies.

No joke, I don't want to see pictures of babies.

Some people think human babies are the pinnacle of cuteness, some think they look like mangled flesh colored Michellin men.

A pirates life for me!

The incompetence is truly stunning.

I think it's pretty well known that water doesn't flow upward.

There's some whores in this house.

Just to be prepared, I carry a briefcase with an emergency drain.

Waffle stomp- when you shit in the shower and stomp it into the drain making a waffle like shape from the holes in the drain.

Not the stupid shit on the right, the stupid shit on the left.

All you need to know is that shit rolls down hill.

My nipples are fully inverted but sometime poke their little heads out.

Why not just cut holes where the nipples are? That would be interesting.

I suppose I can't prove that they didn't get paid for just that one comment.

Ah, so they still find the spandex at least a little funny then.

A surprise to be sure but a welcome one.

If you work hard you just get screwed.

What do you mean it’s “not very effective”?

That's haunting, sad, beautiful and everything all at once.

There's a thousand pieces of street art here.

Some people just don't like living.

It's very violent and not ok in my opinion.

Sitting in the dark, with a flare gun, a flashlight, some strong medical cannabis, and a shitload of super cozy blankets.

THE COOKIE MONSTER PANTS

They are strangely timeless.

Don't forget the random face sores that seemingly show up out of nowhere.

Wait, do Americans not own electric kettles?

It was pretty soul crushing coming home for a whole weekend of partying, seratonin all used up but still to speedy to sleep, just laying in bed with my ears ringing from the music all night but still being able to hear the birds sing.

What's really soul crushing is the fact that the girl you connected with on "such a deep level" bounced before you even woke up and you realized she was just hanging with you because you had coke.

Goddamn, I do not miss my early 20’s.

I think the worst response is to become contemptuous of your past self.

Daily 12 pack?

He was probably thinking "Ahh that used to be me. Don't be me, kid."

There was 1 person dressed normally just going into town and there I was in a bear coat next to 2 almost naked people.

I woke up on some rando's couch at 6 and wanted to drive home and sleep in my own bed, but my roommates took my keys and I didn't know where he was at the time.

I once got so drunk at a party that I passed out and woke up tied to a telephone pole in the neighborhood with bungie cables. I opened my eyes and some kids were standing there staring at me.

Maybe that's why they haunt them, for taking such care of their graves!

Maybe even a little ghost sex once and a while. Ghosts have needs too.

For 80 dollars an hour I’d even bring beers to all the ghosts so they can have a fun time.

She's a kid AND deceased.

Why not a threesome with both?

#roleplay meme #roleplay memes #roleplay starters #rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #my meme #my starters #my memes #okay to reblog

[balancingthewind]

6 | recovery

I applied for another job recently. Not because I don’t like the one I have, but simply the timing of finding of the particular job seemed synchronized to awarenesses recently opened and conversations had. The position was to be a peer support specialist at a local addiction recovery center.

They asked the question, “Are you in recovery? How did you get there? What is it like for you?” as a long-answer response prompt in the application. What is quoted below was my initial answer, which ultimately was edited down to about half the size of what appears here as was necessary for the character limit. I’ve added pictures here because I can. 

spoiler alert: I didn’t get the job.

“I suppose I can answer "yes" to this. There was never really a point in my time abusing substances where I recognized that I couldn't recover without help, but I suppose that recovering solo is still recovery all the same. 

From about 2012-2018 I dabbled daily with alcohol, psychedelics, and "party drugs" such as cocaine, MDMA, and other seratonin-impoverishing substances. Basically, myself and ten to fifteen other people at any given time could be found out of our minds at someone's house or the public park or anywhere at all. I stopped using my own will to influence my direction, and thus found myself as far as New York City, New Orleans, Montana, California, and most places in-between, driving my car with my dog and anyone else who wanted to be in it, on wild and all the same much-forgotten adventures.

My transition to "clean" was gradual. It kick-started when I found myself in Oregon on the tail end of a psychotic break, with no one I could trust, stripping for money and putting in every ounce of leg work to keep myself and my (toxic and incredibly traumatized) ketamine- and xanax-addicted epileptic partner alive. I wanted to believe we could help one another - this story is much too long for this response - but I caught him stealing from me, an inexcusable act. Only then did I drive five days home to Kentucky alone. 

Because of distance and circumstances, my exit from the “scene” had begun the summer prior when I left on aimless travels. I returned home during a period where some of the hardcore partiers had leveled-up to homecooked crack benders, of which I desired no part. I began to recognize that the lustre of community and “one love” had faded into a gruesome shadow, a mass grave.

I then found myself a partner who at least had a job and a home, but also lung cancer and a mean cocaine habit who put us in repeated proximity, close enough to be considered participation in the darkest corners of that massacred dream. I’m not sure what I expected, but never did I let myself get comfortable here.

A short time after my quiet exit from the well-intentioned mistake, I found a partner who had job, home, wasn't actively dying and didn't "mess with powders", but an alcohol addiction and religious trauma enough to extract all interest in spiritual endeavors. I didn't leave him until I was cheated on.

Eventually, I just got really sick of being around people with whom my bonds were based mostly in trauma and had no apparent interest in the journey to better health and a fulfilled life. I realized the inherent toxicity about a culture that encourages people to dissociate from their bodies, to be loose with their moral interpretations of actions while silently carrying the guilt.

It was an incredibly lonely transition. It was as though I once sat precariously atop a tall tree, overlooking the world, thinking I had found serenity, and when the storm finally came and knocked me from the peak, I quite naturally ran into many branches on the way down. All leaving bruises, all needing healing, but never will gravity need to pull me down that way again. They are staying in the tree, and I am staying where I belong, on the ground.

I still miss the camaraderie sometimes, the feeling that no one could ever take your perfect humanness from you and that not a thing else really matters, choosing to believe with all one’s might. But what I really wanted was to be strong, impermeable, and surrounded by those who supported my dreams and vision. And I'm stronger now. Now when I feel triggered, I at least try to sit with what I'm experiencing rather than burying the feeling under chemicals and noise quickly enough that they’re barely noticed.

I'm also lucky to now have the strongest support system in my personal history. My partner is stable, understands where I've been, and holds space for my experience while encouraging me to do better every day. My parents also continue to support me, and my boss meets me spiritually and always holds compassionate principles when I need her as a confidante and advisor. I am grateful to these people and feel that every person needs and deserves support from those with their best interest at heart.

I'm not sure what else to include here other than the fact that, the other day, I had the recognition to write this as a Facebook status:

"Manifestation of change:

I went from the person who people asked to help them find party drugs, to the person people ask to help them find healing resources.

If I can do it, you can too.”

That's actually why I found this listing. My mom was inspired to look into peer support jobs and, somewhat miraculously, found you. And here we are.”

#recovery #sobriety #substance abuse #addiction #change #toxic relationship

[apenapaperandadoofus]

A random little party between the RFA members. Seven fortnite dances on Caramel Dansen, Yoosung convinces Saeran to drink with him, Zen is throwing Jumin's cat outside while Jumin tries to save his furry queen, Jaehee constantly brings new bottles, V silently sips on his wine and watches in horror. Work on whoever you want. Throw in some baby seals too, since they're your favorite

Can I just say, I love the energy in the studio today pftttt

Alright let’s start working on it PFTTT

Also, thank you, for aknowledging the seals, they are indeed my favorite pft

.......

So the RFA wanted to do a little party for themselves you know? And you thought, hell why not, let’s spend some time together. Besides, it’s way easier that making the whole RFA fundraising party, and you’re sure it would be great!

Hahaha sike

So as soon as you get there, Yoosung will just start drinking like crazy. He’s just BLASTED. He’s also just been through all those seven stages of grief, he’s just angry and then sad, and then at one point he just stood in the corner wondering about his life decisions.

Seven, meanwhile, decides to get away from his super drunk friend and start causing chaos. He puts on Caramel Danse at full volume, and starts doing flips and all the fortnite dancing he knows.

And then Yoosung decided to drunkenly join him, but he fell to his face, so Saeran,being the only one responsible in the group (Jaehee was so fucking done to actually help at this point) took his aquaintance and made him sit on a chair.

Then Yoosung stood up and asked Saeran if he wanted a drink, to which he said no, but then Yoosung kept insisting and it came to the point where Saeran yeets him over the table, and probably starts having a mental breakdown because he realizes what his life has become, while his twin brother turns the volume even louder and starts dancing frantically.

On the other side of the room, Jumin came back from ordering some food for the most special person to him, his reason for living and the only one who could make him smile, the love of his life.

His cat.

But. Elizabeth wasn’t there. Jumin looks around the room and sees that Saeyoung is too busy dancing, so he couldn’t have been it. Then he keeps looking around, and he realizes that the only one who isn’t there is Zen.

He immediately leaves the room and starts running around frantically, opening every single room and running up the stairs (you were having a party in a fancy and bug add mansion that Jumin rented for all of you) out of breath, determined to get his Princess before anything happens to her.

On the other side of the room, Jaehee has had a few too many drinks to deal with all the chaos going on. When she sees that Jumin is gone, she goes up to the room and starts rapping all Agretsuko style, just roasting Jumin.

Then when she’s done, she goes back to the table and starts having a mid life crisis while V tries to comfort her. But then, while V is doing that, he heard the bell ring and he quickly got up to answer it.

“Yes hell......o?” V stared at the seals in uniforms in front of him. What the fuck.

“Hello sir we’re here to offer you a subscription for a daily dose of seratonin. You get the first three months free if you sign up now. You can also try out seven day free trial. You really look like you could use some seratonin buddy, so I actually wouldn’t refuse.” One of the seals said.

Before V could answer, Seven grabbed the mic nearest to him, and still furiously dancing, he shouted “V I ACTUALLY NEED SERATONIN I DOMT HAVE ANY. I’m depressed.” He said, as his moves went from frantically to sad. Yoosung hugged his friend and grabbed the microphone from him. “DAMMIT V LOOK WHAT YOU DID. SEVEN DOESNT HAVE ENOUGH SERATONIN BECAUSE OF YOU, BITCH, I DONT HAVE ENOUGH SERATONIN BECAUSE OF YOU, CAN SOMEONE ARREST THIS MAN?? HES GUILTY OF EVERYTHING!”

V ended up getting seratonin for everyone.

Meanwhile, in the roof of the mansion, Zen and Jumin stood facing each other, fiercely, Zen gripping Elizabeth the third tightly in his arms.

Jumin glared at his enemy. “Zen. Put her. Down. She has nothing to do with this, this is just between you, and me.”

Zen glared back, but nodded and put Elizabeth on a cage. Then, he got in a fighting stance.

“I’m ready when you are, Jumin Han.” He sniffed, as holding Elizabeth had made him super teary eyed and made his nose runny. Jumin got in a fighting stance too, and nodded.

“Let’s do this.”

Meanwhile, Saeran kept having a mental breakdown, alongside with Jaehee who was ready to throw a chair at Seven.

V could only watch in horror as his friends started either breaking down, crying, or just started dancing through the pain.

You were in a corner, questioning your life decisions and why you were friends with them again.

Then you all heard a loud crash come through the roof.

Jumin and Zen kept fighting,Jumin, using all his pent up anger inside of his father and just everything else, kept throwing lasers at Zen, who in return,used his allergies as fuel for his power.

They were both so angry that they just ascended and became super powerful beings.

“I HAVE THE HIGHGROUND JUMIN. YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME NOW.”

Everything ended though, when Elizabeth the third suddenly came between them.

And then, she transformed into Rika.

Everyone in the RFA gasped at the sudden turn of events, but Rika laughed evilly and glared at everyone below her (the roof had come off and everyone in the RFA had come up to the floor below, so now they were just out in the open air.)

“Ara ara, if it isn’t my dear friends from the RFA. Did you seriously think you had defeated me?! I WILL BRING HAPPINESS UPON ALL OF YOU WETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, FUFUFUFU!!!”

“Oh no we won’t!!!” You screamed, and grabbed each of the RFA memebers hands, Jumin and Zen now in your group.

You all grabbed hands while looking at Rika.

“WE HAVE FRIENDSHIP BITCH!” You yelled.

“AND A LOT OF SERATONIN!” Yoosung screamed from behind you.

“DONT MESS WITH US, RIKA, WE HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON OUR SIDE!”

All of you began to shoot a rainbow colored beam at Rika, and she screamed in pain.

“DAMMIT, TEAMWORK AND FRIENDSHIP, MY TWO WEAKNESSES. Ok welp I guess I lost now.”

The RFA members gave a cheer as Rika descended and sat in a corner, gloomily sulking.

Meanwhile, each of the RFA members danced around the room, and some of them drank, singing loudly to Caramel Dansen, which was on a ten hour loop.

Zen and Jumin stood off to the side.

“Zen. I have a question for you. Back when Rika was still Elizabeth, why did you really despise her so much? I get that you have allergies -my solution for that is just don’t- but I don’t get why you wanted to go the extra mile to get rid of her.”

Zen sighed and turned around to face Jumin, and he blushed as he cupped Jumin’s face with his hands. Zen leaned close, their lips about to touch. And then he said:

“Because I hate you, you dumb fuck.”

Then you punched Zen in the face because no one talks to our baby Jumin like that.

In the end, everyone ended up crying, while still dancing of course.

The next day when you woke up, you all left as if nothing had happened.

When you came home you threw yourself on your bed,sighing.

I mean, you never thought a party with only them would be this tiring.

But let’s be honest. What else were you expecting?

I don’t know how to finish the story now, so let’s just say that maybe the seals became super rich from selling seratonin, and now they are the CEO’s of six super successful companies.

The end I guess.

I don’t know what the fuck I just wrote.

I woke up at five AM to this, and I tried going back to sleep but I couldn’t.

It’s now 7am, and I’m supposed to get up at 9.

I also have a lot of homework to do so that sucks.

I don’t know why you’re still reading this.

.....

.....

.....

Drink water goddamit.

#mystic messenger #jumin han #saeyoung choi #mysme #saeran choi #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #jihyun mysme #choi bois

[otn-arkane]

So to really drive home how bad the last few months have been on my mental health. It's the eve of my new job starting. I am led in bed, trying to hold it together. I can't sleep. I can't move. I am hardly breathing. I can literally see shapes manifesting in the corner of my vision.

Now I laughed and joked at the start of lock down. Until I tried returning to work. The first time it failed. I had a full blown mental snap. I was shivering and crying in the shower almost daily. I stopped being able to go outside properly because it made my heart race, my vision tunnelled and then my body would be literally wracked in pain from tensing. My body would be wound so tight that if I didn't nearly run home each time I went to the shop to buy necessities I would be almost crippled by the time I got home.

Through some care. Time and medication. I feel my body still trying to flee danger when I'm outside but mentally I'm resisting the fear of being exposed and so open. Instead of looking at people like they are all threats. They blur into just bodies walking by. Which I mean.... progress right?

But now one issue is dealt with and put to bed. I'm now stuck with the profound feeling of being a monster. I hate myself. I literally feel sick when I look in the mirror. There are days when I look at my arms or hands when I wake up and I don't know who they belong to. I have hours where I just sit doing nothing and not remembering them because my thoughts got stuck in a loop or I just ceased being present.

I know these things have names. Disassociation. Depersonalisation. Depression. Generalised anxiety. Agoraphobia. And so on.

But they are meaningless. Like how I perceive myself. I no longer see my face and think about how I look. I just see what my intrusive thoughts tell me. And all I can do to stave them off is tell myself, "yes, yes... I already know that. Try again"

But here is the great big grand prize of doing this. I don't care about myself. I have spent years reinforcing a negative perception of myself that I ceased to believe I deserve nice things. I spend years fantasising about being dead yet having the tiny little threads of hope and responsibility to tether me to my mortal coil. And it takes no effort for me to even pretend that I'm OK. Because I have lived so long with it, I have watched "normal" people go about their lives, that I just mirror the appropriate reactions and emotions. Which once upon of time was draining. Then tiring. Now normal. I mean. I never feel rested. But that's how life is for me now. A big long blur of exhaustion.

And then comes in a complex internal dilemma that I think is my worst quality. And through all my soul searching trying to reason with it. I can't deny it's there and it's toxic. I have a compulsion to try and help others. At the expense of myself. A saviour complex maybe. But I only feel good when I make people happy. Or a close approximation of good. Now.... when this is became symbiotic with that seratonin button in my brain. I begin reaching out and trying to help people. Now this is fine. Being a caring person and helping is great. Now.... when you become dependant on it. Is where it goes wrong. I literally. Tear myself apart. My mind explodes and I then spiral hideously fast when I upset someone. I literally cannot take it. I don't mind people hurting me. It upsets me. Makes me angry. But ultimately I forgive quickly. As long. As it's directed at me.

TL:DR Eurgh. Ramble. Ramble. Ramble. I am a pice of shit. I have mental issues that are literally making my life a misery. And I am pretty sure no one likes me. Almost certain I am that person people take pity on and offer them in to a friendship group because it's a nice thing to do. And I have a saviour complex....

#deppression #its me #bpd #disassociation #mental health #rant #on the edge #ignore me i will be gone before long anyways

[myattball]

hey ethan PLEASE share with us your hcs :) 💕

why thank you for asking !!!!! :))) (i swear interacting w yall has been my sole source of seratonin the past 2 weeks)

(im gonna add,,, this is Very time period nonspecific. you could call it modern or even like 60s if u want, i might decide later).

- so, as stated in the fic i posted last night, jeremy is a cattle and sheep farmer, as well as a cat breeder (he won’t sell to anyone he knows won’t take super good care of em). he’s got about 4 cows and 5 sheep, some of which with rimmy tim names and some of them named after old western heartthrob actors.

- he’s got a huge old farmhouse and a lot of land around it for the animals, plus owning most of the land immediately outside that (literally lives in the middle of nowhere in the desert, an acre is about as cheap as a cup of coffee around there). the area he lives in is kind of a middle ground between mountains and desert, a lot of dry grass and occasional dust storms. i was sort of aiming for half way between the desert around los santos and more of a texas-y thing; implying gavin was living in the city and this city could either be los santos or a real place in texas, i couldn’t decide.

- he inherited that farm from his family, who ended up moving to the city for ‘easier living’ as they put it, and he opted to stay because he was the primary caretaker of all the animals and they loved him too much lol.

- in his time there, he’s dealt with A LOT of wild shit. being the middle of nowhere.. people occasionally assume the house is abandoned. get him drunk enough and you’ll hear about things he’s done that you’ll wish you’d never heard (not necessarily killing people..?) and he can’t count how many barfights he’s gotten into just to put some spice in his nights sometimes. in unlucky day, he handled the bar being robbed really easily and it mightve seemed a little.. deus ex machina ish, sorry about that i was very tired, but it does actually have a reason! he can overpower a 6′5′‘ bodybuilder with a gun if he’s drunk enough, he’s just that used to altercations at the little trash bar.

- as for visuals.. his daily outfit is a purple and dark gray super faded old flannel shirt over a wife beater tank top, classic blue jeans, cowboy boots that USED to be white, and a huge ass clunky belt buckle with the dooley crest tattoo he has on his arm (got it custom made in exchange for a few month’s worth of dooley farm beef.. crazy how that shit works out there). plus the signature rimmy tim white cowboy hat with a little metal clip on the band with a cow skull emblem on it. for aesthetic reasons.

im in the process of drawing this ^ and i am having more gay thoughts then you can imagine over it

(keep forgetting to install xkit again, ill tag this later~)

[sunmoonandeddie]

little ballerina (14/16)

pairing: peter parker x reader

word count: 6,543

summary: After The Snap was reversed and the world went back to normal, Natasha Romanov had one request of her team: to infiltrate and destroy the Red Room.

chapter warnings: Swearing, violence, sexual assault, attempted rape

masterlist

a/n: I just want to warn you all, there is an attempted sexual assault/rape towards the end of this chapter. I'm adjusting the tags because of it but I want to make sure those of you who keep up with this are warned. This one is super long, which is why it took me forever to upload. Let me know what you think. I think there's only going to be one more chapter after this, plus an epilogue.

The nightmares were getting worse.

It had been almost two months since you had started pushing Peter out of your life  You were barely sleeping and it was starting to show.  Despite the fact that you had gone back to your normal routine (minus your nightly phone calls with Peter or spending weekends with him), you were starting to fall behind.  Bucky was beginning to win during your sparring sessions.  Natasha, Wanda, and Pepper were hinting that you shouldn't drink so much wine during your girl nights.  F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s daily health reports were starting to report that your seratonin levels were low.  Brenda had even pulled Natasha and Tony aside when she saw them after your therapy sessions, whispering that you were backsliding and it was making her nervous.

But you refused to budge.

When Peter came home on the weekends, you would either lock yourself in your room or you would volunteer for whatever missions would keep you away from home until he went back to MIT.

Tony was avoiding you at all costs, and anytime he had to be in a room with you for longer than thirty seconds, he would end up sending you dirty looks and muttering under his breath.  The others had tried to get him to lay off, but it was no use.  It wasn't like you blamed him anyway.  You knew that what you were doing was hurting Peter.  You just hoped that it would get easier on him as time went on before he eventually forgot about you, just like you figured it would for you.

But it never did.

The pain never went away like you hoped.  Instead, it only seemed to get worse.  Your nightmares morphed until all of them revolved around the brunette boy.  You killing him.  Him killing you.  It was all the same, just different versions.  They all ended with you waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

About three weeks into your self-imposed exile, you were awoken by Natasha shaking you.  "Y/N?!  Y/N, wake up!"

You bolted up in bed, your chest heaving as you looked around wildly for Peter.  Your heart sunk as you realized he wasn't in your room.  You gripped your hair in your hands as Natasha rubbed your back soothingly.  The clock read 4:21 AM.

"It's okay.  I'm here," she said.

You sniffled as you shook your head.  "Th-They had him.  They had him and they k-killed him and there was no-nothing I could do."

Natasha's heart was breaking as she watched you break down into violent sobs.  This was the kind of pain that couldn't be fixed unless you could get over your self-loathing and doubt.  All she could do was try her best to help you work through it, so that's what she did.  Pulling you into her chest, her fingers ran through your hair.  "I've got you.  I've got you."  You were crying so hard that it shook your entire body, your hands clutching onto her t-shirt.  The fabric where your head was resting was soaked with your tears.  She fought back her own tears as she rocked you back and forth, humming an old Russian lullaby.

Even after you fell asleep, she continued to hold you while thinking of possible solutions.  She knew that she couldn't take away the pain or fix the problem with Peter, but she could at least try to help you get the sleep you so desperately needed.

The night after, you let Wanda use her magic to help you fall asleep.  It wasn't a deep sleep, but it got the job done.  You still suffered from nightmares, but at least your body was getting what it needed to heal and regenerate.

But a month after Wanda began to help you, you were sent on a mission.

You were sent on a mission with Peter.

You weren't even supposed to be on the mission in the first place, but two days before, the team got a kink in their plans.  You were sitting on the couch and working on your online high school homework, when Tony, Natasha, Steve, and Sam walked in.  They moved to the kitchen, Tony grabbing food from the fridge as they continued their conversation, not even noticing your presence.

"—can't send Natasha."

Steve looked confused as he sat down at the island.  He had clearly just gotten back from the gym, if the sheen of sweat on his brow was anything to go by.  "Why not?"

Nat looked pissed off as she crossed her arms over her chest.  "Because he knows me.  I led a raid on his estate four years ago.  We didn't find anything, he got off scot-free, and he knows my face."  She huffed as she sat up on the counter.  "Plus, he prefers h/c."

"Why can't we just go in guns blazing like we usually do?" Sam asked, watching as Tony threw in a bunch of vegetables into a blender.  "It's always worked for us before."

"Because," Tony said, grabbing the soy milk from the fridge and pouring in a sizable amount into the blender, "it didn't work last time and he's going to be on the look out for that now.  He's going to pack up and hide everything at the first sign that we're going to raid him."

Sam waved his hand towards Nat.  "And you can't seduce him because he knows you?"

"Exactly."

Steve frowned as he sat there, the others going quiet.  "So what are we going to do?  We can't send in Nat or Wanda."

You cleared your throat, four heads turning to look at where you sat on the couch.  They looked surprised to see you there, as though they hadn't expected you to be out of your room.  "What if you sent me?"

Natasha shook her head as she began to walk over.  "No, we can't send you in there.  You're not a field agent."

Bucky walked out of the elevator at that moment, looking at the redhead in confusion.  "What do you mean, she isn't a field agent?"  He was ruffling his hair with a towel, smelling of pine and musk, whatever that was.

"She's never been trained to be a field agent," Tony replied, abandoning the blender as he walked to join Natasha.  Steve and Sam, not wanting to be left out of the conversation, quickly followed after.

The long-haired man looked at him incredulously.  "Did you just say..."  He bit his lip, taking a moment before motioning to you.  "She received the same training Natasha did, even if it wasn't Avengers-style.  Hell, Nat never got that training and she's a field agent.  Why isn't Y/N qualified?"

Steve, Natasha, and Sam all seemed to agree with Bucky, keeping quiet as they watched Tony.  There was a little bit of tension as the men faced each other.  Even though all had been forgiven after the Infinity War, the two weren't as close as the others.  It was to be expected, of course, but it still led to a little bit of worry in moments like this.

"She works tech on the plane.  That's it."  Tony's brown eyes were narrowed, his jaw clenched.

Bucky shook his head as you stood up.  "Y/N only works tech because we didn't want to force her into any danger she didn't want to be in.  But she's offering to be a field agent.  She's ready."  He scrutinized the other man, seeming to be much calmer than the billionaire.  "Don't let your current personal grudge against her hold the team back.  She'd be a great asset.  You know this."

That seemed to hit Tony hard as he looked up towards the ceiling.  As he pinched the bridge between his nose, he let out a long sigh.  "We don't even know if she can seduce him."

Natasha chose this moment to speak up, chiming in, "The Red Room trains you in seduction, in case you've forgotten.  She's got this."  She looked to you, raising her eyebrows questioningly.  "Do you?"  You knew that she was just double checking, not wanting to throw you into something you weren't ready for.

You nodded, your hands a little shaky.  "I do.  I can handle it."  You turned to look at Tony as your teeth worried your bottom lip.  "I promise you, I won't fuck this up."  There was a double meaning there and he knew it.  You might've fucked things up with Peter, but you weren't going to let your team down no matter what.

He nodded at you once before walking back to the blender and turning it on.  The sound drowned out any chance of further conversation and the others kind of nodded at each other before separating.

You went back to your homework, putting in your headphones with a bit of a smile.  If there was one thing you were really good at, it was missions.  You got the job done perfectly and efficiently, just like the Red Room had trained you to do.  Part of you wondered what Madame B would think if she knew that you were using your training to help the good guys now.  She'd probably have a heart attack.

You looked down as your phone dinged, a text lighting up the screen.

Natasha: We're leaving Saturday at noon.  I'll come by around eight to help you get ready.

You ignored the texts from Peter, locking your phone once again.  He still sent a text every few days.  It was usually an update on his classes or a funny story about Ned.  You usually waited until you were in bed to read them.  That way, you could cry without anyone knowing.

Friday, you watched as Happy's car pulled in right at five, and Peter stepped out of the car.  You did this every week so you would know when to lock yourself in for the weekend.  It was kinda pitiful, but it was the best you could do at the moment.  It hurt your heart to see how sad he looked, though.  His shoulders were drooped, his head hanging low as he grabbed his suitcase.  His headphones were tucked in.  He didn't even say goodbye to Happy as he began to walk towards the front entrance.

Your heart skipped a beat as he looked up towards the compound and his eyes met yours.  You quickly jumped onto your bed, away from where he could see you.  You were sure that your ribs were going to break with how hard your heart was beating as you said, "F.R.I.D.A.Y., close the windows."

"Are you sure?  Your seratonin levels are low and the sunlight will help," her animated voice asked.

Rolling your eyes, you snapped, "Yes, I'm sure."  You relaxed a little, falling back on your bed as darkness overtook your room.

Except for those damn stars.  No matter how many times you had tried, you couldn't bring yourself to take them off the ceiling.  It was the one thing of Peter that you allowed yourself to keep.  You had given back all his clothes months ago, leaving them in his room when he was at school and couldn't catch you.  You had deleted the photos of him from your phone.  You had almost blocked his number, but knew that if you were in trouble and couldn't reach the rest of the Avengers, it could come in handy.

At least, that's what you told yourself.

Wanda came in to do her magic at about ten that night, holding two plates of food.  She usually ate with you in your room when Peter was home.  Otherwise, you wouldn't eat.  Sometimes it would be Natasha or Bucky, but someone always came.  She sat on your bed and watched as you pushed the food around your plate.  "You should talk to him," the older girl finally said.  She took a bite of her khao soi before pointing her fork at you.  "This whole isolation thing is ridiculous, and you know it."

Rolling your eyes, you stared down at your pad thai.  "Wanda, we've gone over this."

"And every time, I've told you that it's bullshit.  Just like everyone else on the team does."

You tried to find something to say, your e/c eyes meeting hers.  "I can't be the reason Peter gets hurt."

"That's how I felt with Vis for the longest time.  You just have to trust yourself."

There it was.  The whole trust thing.  "I don't know if I can."  Your voice cracked and you squeezed your eyes shut to stop yourself fro crying.  You seemed to do that a lot.

Wanda didn't know how to respond, so she just reached over and squeezed your hand tightly.  It was an unspoken agreement that no matter what happened, you two would be there for each other.

Even after you had thrown a snow globe at her head.

Saturday morning went quick.  Natasha knocked at exactly eight, passing you the protein shake in her hand.  "This'll keep you full until after the mission.  It's what I drink when we don't know how long it'll take and there's no promise of food."

You took a sip, your nose crinkling in disgust.  "Why is it so gross?"

"Because it's got all the nutrients you could ever need and then some and sometimes being healthy sucks."

She had then shoved you into the shower, ordering a Full Shower.  That meant washing your hair, exfoliating, shaving, the whole nine yards.  You had to be at your peak tonight.  When you got out, Nat had unpacked the makeup case she had, everything laid out on the bed.  She didn't talk much as she blow dried your hair, letting you just sit at the vanity in your robe.

But once she got started on actually doing your hair and makeup, she didn't stop talking.  "Your target's name is Dr. Harry Garner.  He's thirty-seven and from Manchester, England."  Natasha tapped the curling iron, sectioning your hair off when she realized it was hot enough.  "He went to Oxford, because that's where all the pretentious men who turn into evil villains go."

You couldn't help but laugh a little at that, biting your lip.  "What exactly is he doing that we're trying to bust him for?"

"He's building weapons of mass destruction," she said nonchalantly as she began to curl your hair.  "He's using a combination of nuclear and chitauri power."  Seeing your shocked expression, she nodded.  "If he continues to make these weapons and then uses them...  It won't be pretty."

"So this mission is very important?"  Your voice was quiet, your gaze locked on hers in the mirror.

Natasha nodded.  Her expression alone told you how serious the situation was.  "We knew that there was someone building those weapons and the location.  We just didn't know who it was until two days ago.  That's when we realized that for one, we couldn't rush the place like we usually do and two, that I couldn't be seen.  If I'm seen anywhere near his new estate, it'll be over."

You swallowed thickly as she went quiet, spending another hour curling your hair.  By the time she was done, you had large, fifties style curls.  Natasha started talking again as she started on your makeup.  You kept your eyes closed, listening to the little comments she would make.  It was relaxing, and you almost felt like a normal girl.  Like you were just getting ready to go to prom.

But this was far from prom.

If this mission went wrong, you could put the entire world in danger and it wasn't even an exaggeration.

"And you... are done," Natasha said as she spritzed some setting spray on your face.  "You can get dressed on the plane, when we get closer to the estate.  I would just throw on something comfy for now.  We have a long flight."

You opened your eyes, and you were surprised at how good it made you look.  It was simple, but sexy.  She had coated your brows with a gel to keep the natural look, while keeping them in place.  The winged liner and false lashes made your e/c eyes look huge and doe-like.  The red lips topped off the look and gave it a very classy feel.  "Were you trying to make me look like a 1950s starlet?" You murmured as you gently touched your cheek.  Your skin looked flawless.  "Because I think you succeeded."

Nat smiled as she picked up the makeup case she had just repacked.  "Harry likes old Hollywood movies, like Gone With the Wind and Rebel Without a Cause.  I tried to channel that a little.  Maybe try to bring it up?"

You nodded and she left with a final look at you.  You had watched both of those movies in the time since getting out of the Red Room, since Bucky and Steve also had to catch up with the times.  They just happened to have a little more to catch up on.

When you got to the hangar to meet the others at 11:50, you were shocked to see Peter standing there with the rest of the Avengers.  Even though you were going to be the only one on the ground, it was an important mission.  If something went wrong, they were all going to be ready to swoop in.  So it made sense that he was there.  You just didn't like it.

You were acutely aware of how his gaze bore into the back of your head as you boarded the quinjet.  Putting in your headphones, you went straight to the bunk room and climbed into the first one that you saw.  You shut the divider to make sure that no one would disturb you before pulling out your laptop.  There was no way you were going to be able to survive the seven hour flight if you had to deal with Peter staring at you the entire time.

So you spent the next six hours working on school work.  By the time you were done, you were over two weeks ahead of the class schedule, and you had successfully avoided talking to Peter.

But the knock on the divider pulled you out of your concentration.  You pulled it open a little, and saw Nat smiling down at you.  "Ready to get dressed?"  She handed you a black bag and you headed back to the bathroom to get dressed.

When you unzipped it, you stared at the dress for a full two minutes in shock.  The dress was beautiful, of course, but it was completely skin tight.  Nothing would be left to the imagination.  Shaking yourself out of your stupor, you stripped down until you just had on the thong that Natasha had advised you to wear, now knowing why.  You pulled the black fabric over your thighs, and as you slipped your arms into the off-the-shoulder straps, you realized that you were going to need someone to zip you up.

You shoved the clothing you had worn on the plane into the black bag, grabbing the heels from the bottom compartment before leaving the bathroom.  "Hey, can someone zip me?"  You asked as you entered the communal area of the jet, looking down at yourself.  You looked up as Wanda moved around you, pulling up the zipper for you.  Your eyes met Peter's, who was staring at you with an intensity that you couldn't describe, and you quickly turned away.

You sat down on the couch to pull on your shoes, Tony walking over to you with a case in his hand.  He opened it up, first pulling out an ear piece.  You tilted your head to the side to let him put it in, listening as he explained.  "We can talk to you through this, but the necklace is what you'll be talking to us through."  He carefully lifted a diamond necklace out of the case, moving your hair to put it on you.  The huge diamonds glittered as it rested against your collarbones.  "The microphone is hidden in the setting of this diamond," he said as he tapped the center of the necklace.  "If you're in trouble, say...  I don't know..."  Tony looked to the others, motioning widely with his arms as he thought.  "What's a phrase in Russian?"

"Malen'kaya balerina."

You looked over at Natasha, who was smiling warmly at you.  You nodded as you turned back to Tony.  "Malen'kaya balerina."

He raised his eyebrows, looking at the others.  "Alright.  Mall-in-kayak whatever it is.  If Y/N says that phrase, we go in.  No questions asked."  He then tapped another diamond in the necklace.  "There's a camera hidden in this one here.  We'll be able to see what you see and guide you through the house."  he stepped back, clapping his hands together.  "She's ready."

You pointedly ignored Peter's eyes as Steve stood up.  "We've five minutes out.  Everyone get ready."

God, just being in the same room as Peter was torture.  Even if you couldn't talk to him, you just wanted to look.  You wanted to watch the way his eyes lit up and his lips pulled into a crooked smile.  You wanted watch him run his fingers through his brown curls and the way his leg would bounce in nervous energy.

No.  You couldn't think about that now.  You couldn't let yourself be distracted from the mission.

Walking to the back with Natasha and Bucky, you fought the anxiety that was threatening to overcome you.  It was a weird kind of anxiety, though.  You weren't nervous about Dr. Harry Garner.  You could seduce any man you wanted to in your sleep.  You were nervous about letting down the team.  "Is it normal to be nervous?" You asked as you looked up at your two parent figures.

"I think I'd be more worried if you weren't," Bucky said with a faint smile.

Nat stood on your other side, flicking a piece of hair back into place.  "Just remember, we've got your back."

You took in a deep breath as you nodded, before getting into the car that was meant to drive you the remaining thirty minutes to the Garner estate.  Vision was your driver, having morphed himself into a random person.  If anyone saw him, they wouldn't recognize him as one of the Avengers.

When the back of the quinjet finally opened, Vision put the car into drive and you were off.  "I'm sure you'll be fantastic," he said as he noticed the way your hands were fidgeting in your lap.  Other than those few words, the two of you didn't speak the entire way back.  "I'll be the one who picks you up at the end of the night," Vis added as you got out.  He nodded at you once before driving off, presumably to wait a safe distance away.

The estate was fucking huge.  You began to go through the breathing technique Peter had taught you, calming yourself down as you walked up the steps to the front door.  It was clearly inspired by Greek architecture, with the huge pillars on either side of the front doors.  You didn't even know if you could call it a front door.  They were huge and had butlers to open the double doors on both sides.

"And we are a go," you heard Tony say in your ear as you walked into the mansion, giving a curt nod to the butlers.

You felt a multitude of eyes on you as you entered the crowded room.  It was filled to the brim with rich snobs.  "Anyone wanna tell me why I didn't get a fur shawl like every other woman here?" You whispered so only the microphone in the necklace caught it.  The slit in your dress went up to a little above your mid-thigh, teasing everyone looking at you with just a glimpse of leg.

"Thought it would cover too much skin," Nat said honestly.

Bucky was the next one to chime in, "Plus it seems a little tacky."

You had to agree with that.  Though some of the fur shawls looked classy and sophisticated, most of them looked like they were trying to hard.  After all, you were in Costa Rica.  Not Siberia.  Then, it might've looked better.

As Natasha directed you through the house, you were grateful that only Nat, Tony, Steve, Bucky, and Sam were on the comm.  You knew that they could all hear you, since the comm was hooked up to speakers in the communal area of the quinjet during missions, but having everyone be able to talk to you would've been too much.

Listening to Natasha's directions, you headed towards the back of the house, where you found double doors that led out to the gardens where most of the guests had congregated.  Two more butlers opened up the doors for you, and you were met with the sound of ocean waves.  You hadn't realized how close the estate was to the coast, but there was only a short wall the divided the gardens from the water.  As you walked through the garden, you snagged a glass of champagne from a waiter and took a long sip.

"Y/N, go to the edge of the gardens right ahead.  The man a few feet to your left is Dr. Garner," Steve said.

Stepping forward, you tucked a bit of hair behind your left ear as you watched Dr. Garner from your peripheral vision.  He was deep in conversation with two men, but paused as he glanced your way.  You felt a little burst of triumph as he turned back to them before taking a double take.  "Excuse me," he said to the couple, before moving the couple steps towards you.  "What's a gorgeous creature like you doing out here all alone?"

"Bingo," Sam muttered in your ear.

You smiled coyly at him, turning a little to look at him.  "I'm not alone.  I have you, don't I?"

You knew you had his interest as he waved a waiter over, grabbing a glass of champagne for himself.  "You most certainly do."

Turning to face him completely, you could see why he was getting away with as much as he did.  He was actually very handsome, with stormy blue eyes and a full head of dark hair.  Plus, the accent.  The British accent was an absolute killer.  "I'm Y/N.  Y/N Moore," you purred as he took your hand, pressing a kiss to your knuckles.

If he wasn't creating weapons of mass destruction and threatening the safety of literally the entire world, you might actually be interested.  Even if he was twice your age.

"So why haven't I met you before?" The man in front of you asked, swirling the champagne in his glass.  "Because I definitely would've remembered you."

Tony had created an entire fake identity for you to use.  He let you keep your first name, but the last name was something he had pulled out of his ass.  You had studied it for the past two days, until you had it completely memorized.  Like it was actually your life.  "Well, I'm the personal assistant for Alan Warren, with Warren Tech.  He sent me in his place, since he had an emergency come up.  He sends his regards and asked me to apologize for him, Dr. Garner," you said.  Tony had also set up a website for a fake company, complete with numbers that Dr. Garner could call and an employee directory with your name on it in case he wanted to see if you were who you said you were.

"Please, call me Harry."

You smiled warmly, leaning in a little as though you were entranced by him.  "Harry.  I love that name.  Reminds me of Harry Bailey from It's a Wonderful Life.  Or Harry Powell from The Night of the Hunter."

Garner looked at you in shock, delight lighting up his eyes.  "You know The Night of the Hunter?"

Nodding, you finished off your champagne.  "With Robert Mitchim and Shelley Winters?  Of course."

"Nice," Bucky chuckled.

"I have to admit," Harry said as he took your empty glass of champagne and handed it to a waiter before grabbing you a new one, "I didn't expect you to know old Hollywood movies.  Especially old Hollywood thrillers."

"Well, what kind of girl do you take me for?" You asked, holding the new glass of champagne up to your lips flirtatiously.  You were watching him through your eyelashes, giving a sense of innocence.  You could tell that he was the kind of man who would be into that.  "Besides," you hummed as you took a step closer to him.  "There's something sexy about the old Hollywood movies."

His eyes were practically undressing you as he watched you step closer.  "Even the thrillers?"

"Especially the thrillers."  You were close enough to him that you knew he would be hyper aware of it, and he'd want to close the gap completely.  But you needed to put the nail on the coffin.  "I think what makes them so sexy is the danger of it all.  I mean...  What girl can resist a bad boy?"

Harry's eyes were locked on yours.  "How would you like a tour of the house?"

"Sounds wonderful."

His hand found your lower back as he led you back into the house, and up the grand staircase that you had seen in the front foyer.

"So, tell me what you do," you said, glancing around innocently.  You knew he was leading you straight for the master suite, but you wanted to keep up that facade of innocence.  He was old school.  He would like to think that you were flirting with him because he was special, or something like that.

There were two butlers at every door in the hallway, and you realized that they doubled as security once you spotted the earpieces and they way that they watched you.

The ones at the last room at the end of the hall opened up a set of ornate double doors, and you had to keep your eyes from getting as wide as saucers as you took in the huge room.  It was fit for a king.  Truly.  You glanced back as the doors shut behind you, and you were alone with Dr. Harry Garner.  He took your champagne and set it, along with his, off to the side.  "I'm an arms dealer."

"So you really are a bad boy," you giggled as you walked around the room slowly, taking it all you.  You found yourself at the entrance to the balcony, the doors already opened.

His breath was hot on your neck as he whispered, "I'll be whatever you wanna be, princess."  Wrapping his arms around you, he began to press hot, open mouthed kisses to your bare shoulder.  "Alan Warren might want to watch out.  I might just steal you away from him."

"Is that so?"  You turned around in his embrace so you were facing him.  His eyes were locked on the way you bit your lip, your hands resting on his chest.  "I don't know if my boss would be very happy about you taking me from him."

You had to fight back from slapping him as his hands moved to your ass, squeezing tightly before one hand moved to the slit in your dress.  His calloused fingers ran over your thigh as he pulled your leg up so had to lean into him.  "If you were my personal assistant...  Well, let's just say I wouldn't be getting much work done."

"What a fucking pig," you heard Natasha mutter into the comm.

Unfortunately, so did Garner.

His eyes narrowed down at you, his grip tightening to the point that it hurt.  "So...  Who sent you?"

"What do you mean?" You asked, shaking your head.  But you knew it would be no use.  He wasn't an idiot and no matter how attractive he thought you were, he wasn't going to risk going to jail.

He'd kill you before that.

His nails were digging into your thigh as the hand that was on your ass moved to grip your face harshly.  His nails dug into your cheek, and you whimpered as you felt him break the skin, blood trickling down your cheek.  "Did I stutter?"  You yelped as his hand moved to grab your hair, tilting your head to the side so he could find the ear piece.  He grabbed it from where it sat right behind the tragus.  Looking you dead in the eye, he crushed it in between his fingers.  Like it was a fly.  Harry then eyed your necklace suspiciously, ripping it off your neck like it was nothing.

You watched helplessly as he walked over to the balcony and tossed it over into the ocean below.

You were alone with no way to contact the team.

Your heart was racing as the man shut the doors to the balcony before turning back to you, suddenly aware of the fact that he was Very Tall and Very Buff.  Even with your training, it would be a struggle to win a fight against him, and the butlers outside.

He was stalking towards you with a predatory look in his eyes.  He knew he had the upper hand.  "Tell me, Y/N...  Why did you have to do this?  We could've been so good together..."  He seemed to be amused by the panic in your eyes as you backed away from him.  Everything you had ever learned about self-defense flew out of your brain, leaving you terrified and helpless.

Back at the quinjet, a panic was running through the team as the signal from your comm suddenly went out.  "She's gone," Steve shouted, clicking at buttons frantically.

"Y/N?!  Y/N, can you hear me?!"  Natasha asked desperately, her hands gripping the edge of the table that held the computer system.  The video feed had gone black, and the audio had gone to static.  The ping they had on your location was also gone.

Peter ran into the computer room from the communal area, clearly panicking.  "What happened?!  Where is she?!"

Tony shook his head as he tried frantically to get a signal.  "Her comm disconnected.  We have no way to reach her and she can't reach us."

"We, We need to go in there!  We need to save her!"

The billionaire shook his head at the younger man, who was already hitting the button on his suit that grew his mask around his head.  "We need a plan.  We can't just rush in there without knowing what were getting into."

"There's no time!" Peter screamed back angrily.  He ran out the back, not bothering to wait for the others who were quick to follow.

Knowing you had to at least try, you bolted for the bedroom doors.  You yanked on them harshly and began to shout as you realized that they were locked.  You even went as far as to try banging on them as hard as possible.  But it didn't work.

"Those doors are enforced with steel.  The only way for you to get out is for me to let you."  The way that Harry was stalking towards you just made you panic even more.  His movements were so languid and relaxed.  He knew he had you trapped, and he could do whatever he wanted.

You pressed yourself back against the wall as he came closer.  If you were going to make it out of there, making him think that you weren't going to fight was the best way to catch him off guard.  When he began to reach for you, you hit him with a roundhouse kick.  What you weren't expecting, however, was for him to grab your ankle and flip you so that you fell onto the ground with a resounding thud.  Your head hit the corner of the wall and your kicks grew slower and disoriented as he dragged you towards him.

"Come on, darling, I don't want to mess up your pretty face, but I will if I have to," he snarled.  He let go of his grip on you, and you tried to stand, but he grabbed you by your hair before you could.  "There.  Now there won't be so much kicking."

Tears were beginning to stream down your face as he dragged you a few feet further by your curls.  You began to scream again as he lifted you, tossing you onto the bed like you were a rag doll.  You scrambled backwards, kicking out at him, but he just dragged you back.  He seemed to be more animal than man as he grabbed at your dress, ripping it in multiple places.  His hands were all over you, ripping the slit even further before dragging your underwear down.  His nails dug into your skin as he held your wrists above your head, the other moving to undo his pants.  You squeezed your eyes shut as you shook your head.  You began to pray to whatever God there was, hoping for some kind of rescue.

The sound of broken glass was the response.

Harry turned to see what had happened when a familiar superhero dragged him off of you.  Spider-Man—Peter—was pummeling the man to a pulp.  The beautiful doors that led out to the balcony were busted, glass covering the floor.

You let out a cry of relief as Tony landed on the balcony in the Iron Man suit.  "I've got him," you heard him say to Peter, taking Harry and slamming him up against the wall.

But you were too focused on Peter.  Peter, who was suddenly running to you, picking you up and holding you against his chest as you cried.  Peter, who was whispering in your ear, "I'm here.  I'm here.  You're safe.  I've got you," as he hurried to the balcony doors.  "It's okay.  I've got you."  Peter, who was scaling the side of the mansion while holding you flush against him.

You buried your face into the crook of his neck, sobs still wracking your body as he carried you onto the quinjet.  He tried setting you on the gurney in the medical bay of the jet, but you clutched onto him, refusing to let go.  The dress was barely hanging off of you, your shoes having fallen off when Peter was carrying you to the vet.  There were cuts and scrapes all over, not to mention the dark purple bruises that were forming where his filthy hands had been.

So Peter held you to his chest, glaring at anyone who dared try to come close.  He rocked you softly as he kissed your hair, murmuring, "It's okay, angel.  I've got you."

The others were sitting close, but far enough away that you weren't aware of their presence.  When you eventually fell asleep, Bruce cautiously walked over to the two of you.  "Peter, we need to get her into the medical bay."

Before he could protect, Tony added, "You can stay with her there."

All Peter gave him was a curt nod, carrying you to the medical bay.  He was careful not to wake you as he set you on the hospital bed, clutching onto your hand tightly in his as the plane made it's way home.

#peter parker x you #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker fic

[kodzukenscorner]

just wanted to say thank you so much for my matchup it made me a little more confident and i definitely got my daily dose of seratonin from it 🥺 your writing is really special keep it up 💕

i’m so glad you liked it!!! and i’m cryin in the club this is so sweet and the pick me up i needed 💕  i do not deserve you guys <333

#haha talks