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#he looks like a dog in a medical cone......... WHY
im-smart-i-swear · 7 months
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i always assumed he cut his hair with a pair of shitty scissors in front of his bathroom mirror at like 2am
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the-whispers-of-death · 2 months
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stone x bartender stone x bartender pls write like 8000 'chapters' about them i'll read it all
Alright, one more for you. (Not that I'm intending on stopping, I had just burned myself out answering so many asks at once so today I'll be taking breaks in between. Feel free to keep sending asks though, I'll get to it, eventually).
Stone walked to the park where you and him had scheduled your meet-up. It was one of the few days he had where there were no missions, no shift in the base hospital. It was free time and usually he'd hate it because it left him feeling lonely, but today he was going to be with you.
And that made it all better.
"Am I late?" you asked, making Stone turn around. The two of you had just entered the park at the same time. "Sorry, my cat had been crying at me not to leave my flat."
"You have a cat?" Stone asked, brushing your unnecessary apologies off. All he could focus on was that you had a cat, you were an animal lover.
You smiled at the way he was so intrigued by you having a cat. You started walking further into the park with him following you. "Yeah, I have a cat, she's five. Her name's Toffee," you answered. "Do you have a cat?"
Stone nodded his head. "Well, not officially," he said. "She's a stray cat that roams around base, but I give her food and cat toys. I named her Monster." He looked out in front of him as you two continued to walk. "I'm thinking of officially adopting her when my deployment's over, if I can."
"Why is she called Monster?" You were curious, it was a unique name for a cat. Usually it would fit more with a dog, and you wanted to know more about this cat who endeared herself to this enigma of a man.
"Ah, she bites and scratches all the other soldiers whenever they come close," he replied, grunting in disapproval at the memories of the other soldiers saying she should be run off the base. "She's just misunderstood, though. The first time I saw her, she came up to me and meowed so sweetly. She's a sweetheart."
Your lips twitched into a smirk, unable to help yourself as you looked up at him. "Guess she's like her unofficial owner, huh?" Your smirk widened when you saw confusion flash across his face. "You're a sweetheart underneath all that coldness and stoicism, aren't you?"
The result was so beautiful, the way he whimpered ever so softly at being called a sweetheart. So cute, so you just had to keep going.
"Yeah, you're so sweet. I remember the way you melted when I called you handsome." You both stopped walking now, facing each other fully. You reached out slowly, resting your hand on his broad chest and he so sweetly leaned into the touch. "Mm, you're a handsome sweetheart. Not used to being flirted with, but you enjoy the attention, hm?"
Stone couldn't help himself, he nodded. "Please keep flirting with me," he blurted out, practically begging.
Your eyes sparkled at that, you had no intention of stopping. You two resumed your walking again, enjoying the nature all around you. You learned more about him, learned that he was a Fleet Marine Corpsman, that he had been in the military for fifteen years and counting. He told you his favorite color, how he listens to Bollywood music on vinyl records.
Each new thing you learned about him made you want to take care of him even more. Which was why when you two stopped near a snow cone vendor and you saw him eyeing the snow cones, you dragged him—though you speculate that he allowed you to do so—to the stand. You both ordered what flavor you wanted and you refused to let him pay for it.
"Don't be silly," you said, your voice practically a purr. "A sweetheart like you deserves to be pampered. When was the last time someone took care of you?"
"Never," Stone admitted softly.
And it was true, no one had ever taken care of him really. The closest was medics patching him up when he himself couldn't, but that didn't really count. They were just doing their jobs.
Your eyes softened in sadness at the answer and so you gently pushed the hand with his wallet in it away. "Let me take care of you, please."
He stared into your eyes for what felt like hours but was only minutes. He was searching you for a hidden agenda, a lie. But he then relented, nodding.
You two enjoyed your snow cone together and continued walking around. You gave him soft touches on his arms every so often as you walked and spoke, relishing in the way he leaned into every touch. He seemed so touch-starved.
By the end of it all, Stone didn't want to leave. But you had work tonight, so you two had to part ways. "Until next time?" he asked, hoping this outing hadn't made you not want to see him again.
His heart melted when you said, "I'm definitely seeing you again." You lifted yourself up slightly to kiss his cheek, smiling at the way he stood there frozen at the touch.
He hadn't moved until you were long gone, his mind replaying the kiss on his cheek for several minutes afterwards.
Reblogs are welcomed & appreciated! Asks are open, feel free to pop in and talk or request something! (SFW requests only, please and thank you)
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sachiko1309 · 10 months
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The good old Doc - Part 6
Missed the start? No problem, here is the first part, the following ones are always linked at the end, so you dont have to search endlessly. 😉
Summary: Lieutenant Lilith Adams enlisted back in the military, only to be met with a certain cocky pilot. Overcoming certain past traumas, she tries to fit in with the team of pilots as their personal medic. Soon finding her stuck between a certain good looking aviator and her work morals.
This is a series which is currently in the making, so I don’t exactly know how long it is going to be. 😊
Word count: 3326
Warnings: none
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Blinking several times, I answered: “Yes.” That simple word earned me my first flying lesson with Hangman. Okay maybe me being twirled around by him, doesn’t truly count, but who cares? “Thank you so much, darlin. You have no idea how happy that just made me.” Carefully he let me down, still smiling like a little kid, who just got an ice cream cone. “So, whats your plan, Hangman?” I asked, walking around him and inspecting the bags he got. He scratched his head and suddenly the cheeky, smug Hangman was gone. “I… uh… I don’t know. I don’t really do dates.”
“You have never been on a date?” Surprised I looked up. “I thought someone like you could easily line up a good bunch of honest girls.” He looked away, a slight blush creeping up on his cheeks. “No, not the kind of dates, I would like to take you on. Not really. Hook ups yes, that’s no secret. But honestly… I am scared like hell to fuck up. You just… You kinda make me try nonetheless.”
I walked back over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “How about we go on a walk on the beach, get to know each other, and if things go well, we can meet the rest of the team in the hard deck later. There is nothing you need to be scared of. I mean, you already slept over and saw me having a break down. Worse thing that’s going to happen is you getting sunburned.” I added cockily, to lighten the mood. Jake smiling down at me at my determination, send butterflies through my stomach. “God, woman… I am supposed to be the one making you blush.”
“Still got time for that, Jakey.” I laughed, letting go of him. “And now serve me that breakfast, because I am about to faint from malnutrition.” He saluted, with a cocky smile on his face. Hangman was back. “On it, Ma’am.”
After breakfast we headed out in his car. Since I overslept hard it was already lunch time we managed to get to the beach. So, it being an early Friday afternoon, the beach was crowded like hell. But I didn’t mind. I was content in Jake walking next to me watching dogs chasing down some pigeons. We walked in silence for a while. Neither really knowing how to start a conversation. I took a deep breath, before taking his hand in mine. “How about we find a more peaceful place and sit down?”
He snapped his head around, feeling my hand in his, but then he smiled. “Okay.” He seemed out of breath, now frantically searching the beach. Using his height and appearance he steered us through the crowd, pulling me slightly behind him to cover me from any crashes. It took a while, but he found what he searched for a few yards down the beach. A group of big rocks were throwing some shade towards the ocean side. We sat down next to each other, watching the waves crash in.
“What brought you to the navy?” I asked, starting the conversation without any small talk. I wanted to get to know him. See the real Jake. He thought for a few moments, absently taking my hand in his, rubbing small circles on it. “You know, I was born and raised in Austin Texas. My family is kinda patriotic, so I grew up raised to be a gentleman, to be a protector of the weak. The step into the army wasn’t that far off. I don’t know why it turned out to be the navy, since I could have gone into the air force to fly planes, but something in me just drew me to the waters. How about you?”
“I got raised by Cyclone. I admire him, wanted to be like him. So, I enrolled, I tried the whole combat thing, turns out I care to much for people to willingly kill them. And being a medic in the navy is the next best thing to being like Cyclone.” I answered, smiling softly. “Do you think, there is a chance for me to ever get into a jet and fly?” Looking him straight in the eyes I waited for his answer.
“Don’t know. You are not trained to do this and I certainly do not wish to get my ass handed back to me by Admiral Simpson, because I took you.” He said, running a hand through his hair. “But you would take me, if he allowed you?” I pressed on, leaning forward and giving him puppy eyes. Sighting he gave in to my silent pleading. “Probably.”
“Yes!” I cheered. “That’s another thing I will be able to cross from my to do list.”
“You have a to do list?” He questioned, looking at me with curious eyes. “Whats on it?”
“A lot of stuff, actually. I managed to sail on different ships in the navy, flew with different planes. I also went skydiving shortly after my drop out, when my therapist recommended to do something, I was afraid of. I want to visit Europe and South America. Get my drivers license for a bike, run a marathon one day and since I saw you guys fly those jets, I want to sit in one, too.”
“That’s a lot.” He laughed, putting an arm around me. “Any chance I get to be a part of that list?” I cocked my head. “If you try hard enough. And if you convince Cyclone to let me fly in a f-18 with you.”
“Alright. I am a dead man.” He groaned, leaning back onto the rocks. I wasn’t listening to his complaints, fishing out my phone of my pocket. Dialing Cyclones number, I wore a wicked smile on my lips. “Cyclone? No I am alright… No you don’t need to come over… I actually have a question for you…” Next to me Jake turned white, shaking his head. I just winked and concentrated back on the call. “No… no its nothing drastic. Uh… well maybe… I wanna fly a jet…” Both men went silent. Jake visibly not breathing, while I imagined Cyclone to have a heart attack.
“Cyclone, you alright? No Jake did not talk me into this, he is actually trying to get me off that idea… But I want to and I trust him… So, you wanna tell me, you don’t trust your own men to handle their job?” I pulled the red card. The one thing that would always get to Cyclone. “Nah… I am not implying anything; I am just merely asking you for a favor. Please?” Waiting for a few seconds, I grabbed Jakes hand, nervously playing with his fingers.
“Oh my god, Thank you! Thank you so much!” I jumped up, ending the phone call. “Looks like we got the team another trainings flight scheduled.” I pulled Jake to his feet, hyperactively jumping around doing a little happy dance.
“Normally the thought of flying through the air at Mach speed terrifies people.” Jake pondered, but smiled at me with his adorable dimples showing. I started walking towards his truck: “Well, you should know by now, that I am far from normal.”
After we reached the base, I got send to change into one of the green suits the team wore when flying. Underneath I was wearing my gym clothes. Phoenix offered to help me get all the gear ready and safely on and when I walked out, I felt so powerful. The helm jammed under my arm. The vest with all the safety devices, air mask and stuff I didn’t know, neatly strapped to my upper body. Phoenix even snuck into the mens locker room stealing a second pair of Jakes Ray Ban sunglasses styled in the classic 80s pilot glasses.
“Motherfucking hell hole…” Rooster said, choking on the water he was just drinking. “Didn’t know you would be looking this good in gear.” I smiled at his words, looking for Jakes approval. He looked starstruck at my appearance, quickly gaining his stance back, when he noticed everyone was looking at him. “Are those my glasses?” Tilting my head, I put them on. “Nope, they are mine now.” Again, he surprised everyone with his next move. “Keep them, they look good on you.”
I followed the daggers to their jets. Jake was guiding me to a doule-seater F-18, which wasnt his. He helped me into the backseat and I was stunned how many monitors, switches, buttons and measure devices were in this little cockpit. “This is amazing.” I giggled, letting him strap on my helmet. Bob gave me two bags I was supposed to throw up into should I feel the need to. In that moment, Admiral Simpson walked into the hangar, resulting in everyone saluting. He walked right up to us, stopping in front of the wing, Jake was kneeling on, when he explained the different devices to me. Bob on the other side helping him out.
“Lieutenant Seresin.” Cyclone started. “I trust you with the life of my little girl, if anything happens to her up there, be assured your ass is out of the navy the moment you set foot back on earth.” I sighted, desperately trying to get a good look on the Admiral. I failed so I spoke to the monitors in front of me. “Stop treating me like I am your child. I can make my own decisions.” But none of the men reacted to me. Jake finally giving in to the stare off. “I will, Admiral.”
“Alright then. Your flight is scheduled for an hour, hard deck is 5000 ft. Your jets are unarmed, so the content of this flight is in your decision. I expect you to follow the rules and not go off crazy, because you got someone to impress.” He eyed Jake for a moment. “Have fun, come back safe. You are dismissed.”
I was smiling like a kid who just got told he could buy everything in a candy store. After Jake fasted my helmet and put my mask on, he chose the channel of our radios. Suddenly I could hear the rest of the team banter around.
“What you thinking? How much Gs is she going to survive without going out or throwing up?” I heard Coyote ask. Answering his question with another one, I said: “I don’t know. What level am I supposed to beat?” “Hello Wifey, scared?” Rooster jumped in giggling. “Not in a million years bird boy. I survived Afghanistan. How bad can a little plane flight be?” I shot back, earning several whistles.
In front of my Jake took place in his seat, letting the engines of the jet start. That was the signal for the others to follow up. One by one they started their engines and soon we were a line of four jets rolling towards the runway. Over the radio in my helmet, I heard Jake speak: “Hangman to range control. Entering runway. Confirm green range.”
“Hangman, range control. Green range is confirmed. Up and ready for takeoff.” A male voice I didn’t know answered. And that’s when Jake put the pedal to the metal. At least that’s what I assumed on the way my body got pressed into the seat. “Oh my fucking god.” I wheezed under the pressure. I heard Jake giggle. “That’s nothing, sweet cheeks. Wait till we get some Gs going for ya.” He sounded so happy in that moment and I couldn’t help but smile.
I felt the jet take off from the ground and it didn’t take me long to realize how slow we were actually going. The moment we reached 5000 ft Jake sped up. To my left and my right I saw the others line up next to us. I waved to Bob, who waved back. “Ready for some fun?” Rooster asked over the coms. “I was born ready, bird boy.” I answered, cockily. Definitely underestimating whats about to come. “You heard the woman, Hangman. Time to do some maneuvers. How about we show her what a dogfight is? You, Coyote and Payback being hunted down by me, Phoenix and Bob. We try to shoot you down and other way around. First one out, buys the first round in the hard deck.”
“You got yourself a deal, Rooster.” Jake answered, swerving his jet slightly to the left. “I say you guys change channels, since Lilith doesn’t now how to do it.”
“Done and out. May the better team win. You have 30 seconds to make some distance. After that, the game is on.” Rooster tapped himself out, giving me one last thumbs up. The second the others left our channel was the same second Jake started to really fly. Turning the planes nose upwards he sped up, Coyote and Payback right to our sides. I just sat back, concentrating to get my stomach back to normal. While the men suddenly changed their way of bantering to serious calls.
“Talk to me, Payback where are they?” Coyote asked.
“Last seen 7 o clock.” Payback answered.
I kind of got my stomach to behave long enough, to ask Jake a question. “Do you need me to give you calls, or what do you want me to do?” I earned a light chuckle through the coms. “Its alright, darlin. I usually fly alone with those two idiots as my wingmans, but if you want to you can give me positions on the enemy. Just try to keep it clean, clockwork system, don’t estimate, say what you see, or tell me you don’t know it. Otherwise hold on and try not to ruin my plane with your stomach contents.”
“Fuck you too, Bagman.” I said, flipping him off behind his head.
Looking around I searched for Phoenix, Bob and Rooster. “One on 8 coming from below.” I called out. “Other one right behind you, Hangman.” Payback added. “Breaking right.” Hangman said, abruptly steering the jet to the right diving under. That maneuver had me lifted of my seat. I felt my stomach being pushed upwards, when we dropped. Cursing under my breath I held on to the sides of the glass. With an incredible speed we flew past Rooster, forcing his plane to angle sideways and change course. Immediately Jake swerved his around, tail flopping over the nose. That move had me fighting hard to keep the vomit down, to the point where I could feel the soreness tickle in the back of my throat.
“Come here you little bastard.” Jake mumbled, tailgating Roosters plane.
“Phoenix on 11.” I said, my voice squeaky and horse.
“Coyote.” Jake called not saying anything further, fully focused on Rooster, who was flying like an absolute madman. Swerving left and right, high and low, while trying to get his plane behind us.
“On it.” I could see Coyote breaking left, doing a similar maneuver Jake just pulled seconds ago, but Phoenix was quicker, rolling hers to the right and slowing down hard.
A nose dive from Jake made me scream the first time I sat in the plane. Looking above my head, I could see Rooster rotating in sync with us toward the ground. His face was distorted from the pure force, mixed with determination. I felt sick, quickly ripping the mask off of my face and holding the bag in front of my mouth.
But luckily, I didn’t hurl. Because the second I was preparing for the worse, Jake and Rooster ripped their jets around and now we were facing upside down, flying away from each other, only for us to then tumble around and hunt after Rooster. I could just imagine what would have happened to my vomit, if it would have left my body in that moment.
“That was a mistake, Rooster.” Hangman breathed. And I could hear that he was also fighting the extreme forces pushing and pulling on our bodies.
I heard a loud beeping sound and a female voice in my helmet said. “Target locked.”
“Shot down, baby. Guess the first round is on Rooster.” Jake was knocking on the window of the plane, when we flew next to him, only to receive a middle finger. Then Roosters eyes went to me, and I probably looked like I greeted death, because he hand signaled something to Jake, I didn’t understand.
Instead, I heard the man in front of me speak through the radio. “Everything alright. Do we need to break off the flight?” Quickly pulling my mask over my mouth I answered with a dry raspy voice: “No, I am good. I just felt the need to puke and giving the stunt you just pulled I guess we got lucky I didn’t, because otherwise your cockpit might be ruined. And now I cant get the mask back on.”
“I am so sorry. I forgot you were there and flew like I normally would. I… Are you sure you are alright?” Instantly his voice changed from playful to completely caring.
“Just tell me how to put that mask on. If I am not mistaken, we need to get your wingman some help. He looks a little distressed over there.” I hummed, looking to my left, where Coyote was flying like an absolute crazy person, trying to get out of Phoenix tailgate.
Jake swerved his plane to the left, more careful this time, setting himself behind Phoenix, all while explaining how the helmet and mask worked: “Feel the right side of your helmet. There is a small lock. You need to push the strap of your mask through it until it clicks. Its opened from the lower front similar to the way the strap on the other side of the helm runs.” I did what he told me, now not needing to hold the mask in place anymore.
“Coyote, talk to me man.” Hangman groaned through the coms.
“I am alright for now, I need to get behind her, but she is good.” Coyotes strangled voice seeped through the radio. “And don’t you dare take that kill from me, Hangman.” He added.
“Alright.” Jake answered. “Time to run some tricks on the lady.” Setting himself next to Coyote he waved over to him. “Break each side, do a barrel roll and then the Maverick pull behind her, while I roll over her to stop her from swerving.”
“Understood.” Coyote answered. And without another word the two pilots just dropped. Or in Jakes case flew higher, rolling over Phoenix, until we were able to watch them heads upside down.
I waved to Bob, smiling when I heard, Payback cheer inside my head at the confirmed kill. Suddenly all pilots were back in the same channel. “Holy shit man, that was some sick double up you got there.” Phoenix said, honesty lacing her words even though I could hear her disappointment of losing the game. “I am surprised your passenger didn’t throw up. I kinda bet on her vomit stealing parts of your sight.” That sentence got me laughing, finally able to relax a bit, when Jake turned his jet back around to fly next to her. “I am very competitive, Phoenix. It got close, but I managed.”
“Hell yeah, she flew like an ace. Even gave calls.” Payback backed me up, him and Coyote appearing to our left. Rooster set his plane to the furthest right adding in. “She even survived the twisting tumble we and Hangman pulled.”
“You did that with her in the backseat?” Bob asked looking at me with what I believed to make out as wide eyes. I smiled. “That one was the stunt that nearly got me to vomit, but yes he did.”
“Badass bitch.” Natasha mumbled in her microphone. “Well, I guess we can discuss that further back on base. Our time is running out and we need to head back.” With one swift move the four pilots turned their jets to the left, starting to drop lower.
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I’ve read pretty much all your work and I love your top gun poly stuff. I don’t really have a request but I need something very angsty, maybe with Hannix.
A/N: It's really cool to hear/see when someone reads almost all of my work! I know I post a lot and to know someone reads it? Incredible. I would LOVE to write some Hannix angst for you😏
Warning: Crash, slight death, blood, wounds
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Your head felt like it was about to explode in that moment as you opened your eyes. At first, you thought you were in hell from the heat, everything was so hot. Then you saw the flames and you rushed to unclip yourself from your jet. You ran away, adrenaline pumping through you veins to help you no longer feel pain. You just cleared the area and you heard the explosion, it knocked you down and you gasped for air.
Your mind was on complete survival mode as you tried to remember why you crashed. You looked around, trees surrounded you, the sun beat down on your skin which caused your confusion to worsen. It was near 100 degrees Fahrenheit outside. You touched your neck and curse as you felt that your dog tags broke off, meaning you lost the rings you, Jake, and Natasha shared.
Suddenly it clicked, you went down on a mission. Jake was your wing man and you both were shot down at the same time. “Shit!” You yelled, looking around wildly. You noticed smoke in the air west to you, you took off running, pulling your flight suit down to tie around your waist because stroking out from heat wouldn’t help.
“Jake! Hangman!” You yelled as you got closer to the smoke, you prayed he could hear you. You tried to prepare yourself but nothing could have helped you in this moment. As you broke through the trees and saw the little clearing that Jake crashed in, you found a scene that made you want to cry. Neither of you could eject, the systems were malfunctioning and it costed you both.
Jake had dragged himself out of the jet but now laid lifeless on the ground, you couldn’t see any movement from him. You ran over and felt your knees slam into the ground, tears welling in your eyes. “Please be alive,” you murmured as you flipped him over, pressing your ear to his chest. You felt yourself on the verge of throwing up, you were met with silence but felt he was still warm.
You racked your brain to think of what to do and remembered how to do CPR. You started chest compressions and made your mind focus on what to do. You thought about to why you knew what you did.
Natasha brought you both into the class, a big grin on her face for her date night choice. “Umm, Phoenix?” Jake started, “Why are we at a CPR class?” he asked in confusion, you shared the same look on yours. “Because, you both keep stressing me out! You do stupid things and one day, you’ll give me a heart attack. Now you’ll know how to help me!” she laughed. You shook your head with a soft smile on your face, “You’re lucky you’re cute,” You said, kissing her temple.
"Come on! You can't leave us dumbass! Please... Please Jake!" You whimpered as you kept up the chest compressions. Tears flowed down your cheeks as you tried to stop yourself from hyperventilating, you didn’t even see the rescue helicopter coming as you kept it up.
You screamed as someone grabbed you suddenly, turning to see Phoenix there. A gasp broke through the air as Jake finally breathed and you collapsed, “He’s alive!” you cried, falling into her eyes as people ran over to get him.
You were shaking as she helped you into the helicopter, “How much pain are you in Lt. L/N?” A medic asked as others took care of Jake. You looked confused, “Pain?” you mumbled, “You’re filled with adrenaline did you realize the massive cut you have baby?” Nat asked. You looked down to the cut in your arm that was nearly to the bone. You closed you eyes as the pain started to cone back as you relaxed, you just grit your teeth. “Worry about me later, he needs to stay alive!” you said, nearly hysterical.
The whole time Nat held you, telling you it wasn’t your fault. It would feel like that until he was okay, he had to be okay. ‘Come back to us dumbass...’ You both thought, knowing you needed Jake as much as he needed you both.
Taglist:
@peaches-and-sunshine
@natasharomanoffisbaebby
@sweetheartlizzie07
@lollypop90907
@the-hottest-lieutenants
@jamiedontbeacracko
@fandomstanner24
@casperlikej
@lyn07
@luckyladycreator2
@spidermankenobi
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satanfemme · 2 years
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im Intrigued about how your day has gone now
assuming this is wrt my last text post (hdfbghfdghfg):
my blood smell is unfortunately not very interesting, my compulsive skin picking has just been acting up lately and a stress flair today made it WAY worse so just... I've got lots of open wounds, scabs, dried blood, and etc on my person at the moment. and the scent can build up lol. no shame in that though -- even if it's not ideal, it's just the physical reality of my body sometimes! so hopefully this only adds to the neurodivergent gothic charm I'm bringing into my workplace.
as for why I was covered in baby food tho!!!!! ohohohohohoh this one's actually a really good story, I'm glad u asked >:3c !! so I currently work with shelter dogs, most of whom have behavioral and/or medical concerns, which they're being treated for. (if ur squeamish about veterinary care or dog surgery, that's ur sign to stop reading btw).
we've currently got this brown papillon named Phineas who is ONLY three (3) years old!!!!! his fur is long and a bit unkempt, but silky too. and he's got massive buggy eyes that look a bit off to the sides, and he's very very small and cute. but unfortunately, when he first arrived last week, his lower jaw wasn't functional. I don't have any idea how it got to be that way, but basically it hung down loosely from his top jaw at a 90 degree angle, and he had no control over it; he couldn't move his lower jaw in any way nor close it nor eat with it. and naturally, his pink tongue danged out a good few inches as well, since he didn't have anything to hold it in place.
because of this, he can only eat wet dog food that's been mixed with water and mashed up into a soup. or....... he can eat baby food. >:3c I think you can already see where we're going here?
about two days ago or so, he had his lower jaw amputated. obviously, this means he's been extra moody, probably in some discomfort, emotional frustration and/or distress. but it also means he's got a massive cone compared to how tiny his body is, a completely new mouth shape (less of a hole now, believe it or not. the skin where his bottom jaw would've been has now been partially brought together), and ofc he's constantly on a LOT of painkillers which make him a lil drowsy and loopy at all times lol.
as u could probably guess, he wasn't a very neat eater to begin with; he'd basically lick up his mush paste with his long tongue -- aiming for his open mouth hole -- but in the process splash some of it onto his face and the floor as well. just a few streaks of meat water and/or baby food in his hair, nbd.
but, for all the aforementioned reasons, surgery recovery has made eating much harder for him. he doesn't even want to eat half the time, then when he does, he struggles to get it both around his cone while also into his mouth. he'd been giving up after only a few licks -- if any at all.
then TODAY!! I cracked the fucking code! I figured out how to get him to eat!!!! I've discovered the ideal bowl shape/size, the right mixture of slop to put in there, the whole deal. it's exciting! this is, like, my job at the most impactful! and -- now to finally answer ur question of why I was covered in baby food today -- as part of this process I:
hand-mixed baby food with pâté and water. I don't use spoons to mix cause I don't like washing them lol.
I hand-scooped this slop out and into a different (better) bowl once I realized the first one didn't work
I sat down on the floor with Phineas and his food
and I encouraged him to eat it. so, once he did, I was even in the splash zone.
that little boy's got a baby food biohazard range of a good few feet! watch out lol!!! 🥺 I love him.
& to make matters even messier: shortly after this whole ordeal, I had to hand feed a similar mush to Dahlia the beagle cause she's sick with a cough rn and will literally refuse to so much as look at her food unless someone (ie: me) is hand feeding pâté to her one finger-scoop at a time. having a sick beagle lick pâté off ur fingers is a formative experience btw, genuinely, I do recommend it. I love her too -- and she loves me 🥺
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a-fathers-heart · 1 year
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Dear Leo,
Thanks to you! I've become a great investigator. Pretty solid, honest and straightforward. But before I was around, Leo suffered daily from neglect and abuse. Leo's abuse never crossed my mind until now! And here's why:
Leo had three surgeries on his leg that I know of! Maybe more? Tell me? Is that a red flag?
That's a lot for a golden retriever puppy. The amount of times he was coned for the neglect from the very beginning of his life! Years before Joshua too!
And for no reason! Lazy, forgetful but not ignorant! Very intelligent, legal mind! This story of a dog and a boy is not about me.
Plenty of people have pets!
Lots of people get the opportunity to raise a puppy after the 8 weeks waiting period. Separating the birth mother and siblings and then set on to a new life! This Leo had a new lease on life!
Whether it be a private adoption or bill of sale from a PetSmart. It's assumed that the animal that's being acquired would be given to somebody with their best interests in mind.
Most reasonable people don't have to think like this, but this dog owner is special! Unique! Careless and irresponsible!
There are plenty of people that do it very successfully without one injury every single day!
I never put two and two together in the beginning, because I was not looking for the information!
I've been forced to talk about this!
Leo had three or more surgery's!
Leo had two when I met him! Two surgeries for young puppy. 
This all has been recently brought to my attention.
For every surgery, there is an appointment before, during, and after. 
Everyone knows that the after care and after a surgery, there's going to be follow-up doctor's visits. There's going to be instructions on how to care for their dog. Often a printed instruction sheet follows with the dog after surgery. 
There is plenty of communication between the hospital and the owner.
Medication is usually involved to keep the dog comfortable .Dog Therapy, which actually means owner therapy! but then learning from your mistakes, most people understand that before acquiring a human or a canine or feline!
Leo wasn't able to speak our language! He wasn't able to tell the vet in his own words what happened in his house that resulted in multiple surgeries over the years!
Leo was a loving dog and love being around people! Wherever I was in the house, Leo would be there. Whenever I went outside to smoke or work around the house, Leo was with me. He took a liking to me when the responsibility was put upon me by the dog owner to have more and more daily responsibility for this dog. Putting the responsibility on me from jump, I felt was kind of her responsibility to do!
I became more of a caregiver for Leo So the dog owner could focus on what was important to her. Unfocused, traveling between three states a day, up and down elevators, court proceedings, lawyers, judges, depositions and summaries. Law, was the dog owner's focus while I was put into a position of being the primary caregiver by the dog owner without my consent. Before me was Peter Korda, and after me was Lester Hobbs and then Gary taking care of the necessities of the canine and then Joshua in this dog owners home! Happily, these other men she found suitable to let into her home, They take care of her day today while she focuses on some other bigger picture! Some way to become distracted and not focus on the child or dog, but focus on a bigger picture now coming into focus!
To my knowledge, there is not a hotline for animal abuse and I don't believe at the time veterinary we're not obligated to report such suspicious activity. Sometimes I wonder if Dr Klein from Southampton pediatrics ever knew the history of this dog prior to my son ever being seen by that office! Oh hell! I wasn't looking for any of this when I met this dog owner.
Leo was a good dog that wasn't trained by his owner. A dog owner who had no time to spend with the young pup while they commute back and forth to New York for hearing high profile Court cases.
Often the young pup was transported from their home to a weekend puppy resort centers so that the owner can get away. The demand of the dogs needs were less important than the owner needs. Leo had the appearance of being a showpiece to this owner. An inanimate object that needed some attention, I might say I've personally witnessed. Barking out orders to everybody else, to walk Leo, or to feed Leo.
At the time, I felt like I was taking orders. I felt like she was placing the demands upon me As if to say, You're in my world now! Do as I say!
This was just another thankless job that I was forced into because she was too busy somewhere else! She felt good to be able to manage everything with me around because I take care of things! There's a whole list of what I did before and after living there. That to be honest, I'm not going to list them here because this is about Leo and not me, but the monetary value of what I brought to that home until the day I left was in the ballpark of $100,000. I left almost $100,000 on the table and walked out without even a thank you or reimbursing me Even though there was a previous verbal agreement, This dog owner broke that too! And I'm not talking about child support either, that separate!
Under her employ, when I met this dog owner had hired a dog walker named Diane who had three kids of her own? Teenagers on ADHD medicine! This dog owner referred to Diane as bipolar with emotional distress. This was an admission of this dog owner and not solicited. Now knowing this, Diane had access to lots of pharmaceutical drugs from multiple people in her family, was not a thought in my mind at that time! But it is now!
When I met Leo, this dog owner had just moved into a townhouse and had recently been divorced from Peter Korda. Peter Korda, And a high powered attorney in New York City, had, I believe, four kids of his own!? Any of these children on ADHD medicine or antipsychotics?
I believe this dog owner was previously in school for some sort of psychotherapy taking classes in New York at one point before we met. Later on she would be seeing a therapist. When we met I was taking classes for sign language and photography at the same time at Neshaminy high School for adult night classes. I took sign language because my family and the family at church. We were friends with deaf people and I wanted to learn how to communicate with them just like my family! This was important to me! I didn't learn Spanish or French, always learning on my own How to use American sign language to I will always be able to communicate with any deaf person that come across the rest of my life! Is that not a gift? The ability to speak to people Not suspecting me to come out and start to hand sign should they know they have a friend who will listen, and can listen!
This dog owner had two previous marriages and no kids. Leo was her first! First that I know of anyways!
I know people that treat their animals like humans! I know people that treat their animals way much better than strangers! I know people that treat animals like they were own children!
I've heard people refer to their animals as their very own children. I know that people treat their animals like a part of the family! 
People celebrate their animals first everything!
And we all know that one annoying person that's got to make everything about their cat or their dog as we politely smile through until it's over!
Some families have a funeral for their dog, but I was not invited to Leo's even though I was a part of his life for some 2 years. I was never extended the courtesy to attend his funeral even though I was his caregiver of Leo for 2 years. He passed away and I never received an invitation for his funeral. To be there for my son, for Josh's dog too!
Years later, When the dog owner informed me that Leo was going to be passing soon, I politely responded with, Joshua is free to go be with Leo whenever you say! I added, I can drop Joshua off or you can pick him up! I'm here for Joshua and his first dog and I support the next step!
Now once this dog owner warned me that Leo was going to be passing, that was the last I heard about it! I was not even told the day he passed by the dog owner for my own knowledge on how to care for my son who just lost his dog! I wasn't told that a member of our family had passed away! This information was kept from me that I'm just realizing now as I write.
Everybody knows the most important part of surgery is the aftercare! Post surgery care is the most important part of the surgery itself!
It takes time to address the wounds, put ointment on, keep the area clean, but more importantly to make sure that the dog remains safe for himself so he doesn't incur another injury!
Having to recall this, was very difficult to write. Because the perception that I once first had is no more!
Leo, God rest his soul, had three surgeries, major to his future and his life to be independent. 
Leo suffered three injuries to his leg, I'm not quite sure how many, cuz I wasn't there, How many hospitals did Leo go to for his surgeries?
I didn't realize this until now!
The dog owner was told not just once, but three times how to avoid injury like this!
How many times was Leo's needs ignored, but the surgeries were evident of the neglect!
How much sympathy does one really need?
What started out with a dog who she did not have time for, neglected that needs of the dog, The amount of instruction required of her not obeyed one time, but disrespected the dog three times in total! Before Joshua! And I didn't know!
Before Josh was even born, Leo, Her first born, was not safe in her care! 
Most dog owners pride themselves on how well they take care of their newborn puppies and set them up for success for their future!
Some dog owners learn from the first mistake and never make the mistake again!
Some dog owners take the time to respect professional who are there to help them! If you're called to help animals, you love animals! Nobody needs to read about love when it comes naturally for us! Teach you how to care for them, that's what the veterinary hospital has people in there to rehabilitate the damage animal! Learning from the first surgery never happened, learning from the second surgery, never happened.
Now let's quickly add a child to this entire scenario! Was the child safe? No! Never! Because the paper trail doesn't lie! From veterinary medical records to court records, pediatricians, police, and psychiatrists, all notated the most ridiculous crime to this boy, all under their nose! All reported! All documented!
For Leo, These people in their field know how to take care of animals because they spend their days correcting what went wrong! These people don't need to take another test on how to care for animals, they're here for the common man.
The very first surgery Leo went through before I ever met this dog owner was explain to their face and in great detail, I am to assume, that the small puppy dog cannot be up on a bed so high! Especially a tall sleigh bed which was after the second surgery she confessed to me about what the vet said not to do!
The vet and or vet techs spoke at great lengths the very first time. Provided her paperwork on care before and after the very first surgery! Here you have both verbal and written instructions and this dog owner chooses not to follow anything! This dog owner knows better than the surgeons! This dog owner knows better than the dog walker. Leg and knee surgery for a brand new puppy, not once but three times! Staples, and stitches! Multiple scarring over the injured area throughout the years. The pain Leo must have felt after every injury that never quite healed. I'm going to take a guess that he suffered from arthritis severely because of the lack of care that was happened to him in the beginning of his life!
This owner was provided the same information three times and the dog still suffered! Still taking medication she was in charge of. The medication that kept flowing with every surgery and in every injury! Leo was there for the examination, but couldn't speak! Leo wasn't able to collaborate their story! Leo had no voice other than the evidence of the neglect!
The trips to the pharmacy did not deter this dog owner. The dog wearing a cone on his head for 18 months total or more for his total life Did not deter her? Just a thought of me picking up a prescription really annoys me, but this is where she began getting her fix. Sympathy from the doctors. The reward of drugs!
It's quite easy! Damage the dog get some drugs! Damage the dog and get some drugs! Damage the dog and get some drugs!
Fast forward 2 years? Damage the boy and get some drugs! Damage the boy and get some drugs! Damage the boy and get some drugs!
Again, I'm just realizing this!
These are the facts!
FDIA or munchen syndrome by proxy is the most lethal, the most dangerous of emotional abuse known to man. The most deadliest form because most don't get out alive, just ask Dee Dee Blanchard. Imposing a fictitious disease from a mentally disturbed woman onto a child or a dog, is mental illness I've called the attention of Bucks County children and youth for protection over my son over 15 years ago and I stated FDIA in my first phone call to report officially this child abuse that I've been made known of from this woman and dog owner! 
This vindicates me for the last 15-20 years. Josh's medical records and Leo's combined. Leo pre-dates me my relationship to this proud dog owner! Leo was sustaining injuries before I was ever in the picture! My name is not on any of Joshua's medical records and they're not on any of Leo's either!
One woman, Shields herself with the use of taxpayers money, Her employer, Bucks County judicial system, to have not just one official report of the child abuse I've reported consistently, but now stands five in all over the last 15 years! 
If there was only some way of sharing this information with the county, we wouldn't have to waste taxpayers money. Sparing me from frivolous court appearances that don't make sense? Both Dr. Klein, Southampton pediatrics and Dr. Weinberg, Lower Bucks pediatrics, should have been made aware of the canines medical history would probably have ended in a different result every time Joshua was sitting in front of them, because he didn't have to and I know this!
Knowing the law and then using it against me to cover up a crime in this country, is the crime! This woman who was seasoned in all legal proceedings, knew what to do because she was trained, but choosing not to make the most critical phone call to a child's life is totally 100% unacceptable in any day and any time and any age! Ignorance is no excuse for the law! And mark my words, nobody in this country is above the law! As a good Christian man, as a man who believes in his faith, Who knows the Constitution and how this country was formed and grew, A Patriot through and through. I believe it's not my will to be done, but my father's witch is in heaven! 
Pray for Joshua! Pray for Tess Sola! Pray for me! But more importantly, pray for those who have a voice and can't use it Or maybe those were too afraid to come forward when they know better. Pray for our judges and our politicians and our leaders to do what's best for this country! That we can learn and grow from this and that we can move forward in such a way that brings glory to the next generation while providing a safer home for the next generation!
I pray for my friends and family who have struggled to understand the story that I'm still not quite understanding the entirety to this day!
So much of this has been confusing to me and still is!
I pray for my friends who I've lost touch with through this, That's somehow someway this world becomes a little bit better for everybody! But it starts with me first! I've got to be a good Christian example to others! Forgiving those who trespass against us, turning the other cheek, with the gift of understanding and kindness is the best to move forward! Michael Jackson said it best, I'm starting with the man in the mirror!
I did not create this freaking mess! This was here all before I entered the relationship and I will be damned If I will ever spend a day in jail for what this woman done to her dog first and then our son!
I'm just a father with a flashlight!
I'm doing what is necessary to protect my son in the middle of a very convoluted and contentious situation that was brought to me by her mental illness. If she ends up finding the help she needs someday, Joshua and I will be here for her every step of the way like we both have been from jump! We both will support her 100% because that's what family does! We support each other and love each other through it! Love is the best medicine of all.
Maybe somebody should do their research and their due diligence like I have. Genesis, everything starts from somewhere, but have compassion on those who are not understanding what they are going through! When people like me try to explain the situation that I've been put into, I am no authority! I'm just some dumb schmuck within high school education, barely, who was conned by a very convincing and devious official Court reporter to The Honorable Judge Alan Rubinstein, Bucks County Court for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
Although I would say, I'm not a professional by any means, but I've learned how to investigate the nature of the crimes that affect my son because he is the most important thing in my life! The facts speaks for themselves, there is a cereal abuser that got to my son! And she ain't done yet until She gets help!
This entire exercise has taught me to know my history. To be more confident and assertive even when the pieces of the puzzle just don't make sense! To be absolutely 100% positive before ever writing one word! My son Joshua Is my hero because he's giving me the courage to stand up against injustice when I see it first hand and the responsibly report it as required as a citizen of these here United States of America! But more importantly, he's my hero because he's the one that went through all of this! I've been just sitting here trying to hold his hand through it! Joshua is a warrior and a fighter! He's been training his whole life to get out of this situation that he will in fact be delivered from, someday! How do I know? Where do you think his training for success began?
As a animal lover, myself, My Labrador retriever was my first little buddy and I love him dear! Cats, dogs, horses, All God's creatures I love. Above ground and under the sea, it all works for the greater good of this world! Right?
In conclusion,
Leo has the most important story of all!
Leo is the story! Leo has a history! I was there! I know now how to put a cone on a dog. That was the first and last experience I'd ever had in my life putting a come on a dog, And now I know why!
 For Joshua, Did all the doctors, pediatricians, psychiatrist , including lawyers, court clerk's, and all the judges, All the people she works with at the courthouse to this day do not know about Leo and his history. If they were all informed of the gross negligence prior to the birth of one Joshua Vincent Edel, would I even be having this conversation? Nope!
This dog has a voice! Do you hear me now?
I hear Leo! 
If there was some way somehow I could pull all of medical forms for Leo's life, I damn well would do that for him! He deserves that win! If somehow I was able to subpoena all of his records like I did for Joshua, I would do it in a heartbeat without hesitation and for the good  tire story and where it all began.
I hope that Leo finds his peace in heaven and that he knows who was there for him. That this man went to Great lengths to recall situations that are very important and critical to the future and life of my son! Thanks to Leo!
Thank you Leo! I learned a lot from you good ol'boy! Leo, Go play with your ball till I can throw it to you again boy!
Mark Edel 
Show quoted text
---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Mark Edel <[email protected]>
Date: Sun, Nov 6, 2022, 3:08 PM
Subject: Look at Leo! He was there first!
To: Ice-Sheila Sporkin-Edel-mom <[email protected]>
Show quoted text
---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Mark Edel <[email protected]>
Date: Sun, Nov 6, 2022, 3:08 PM
Subject: Look at Leo! He was there first!
To: Ice-Sheila Sporkin-Edel-mom <[email protected]>
Dear Leo,
Thanks to you! I've become a great investigator. Pretty solid, honest and straightforward. But before I was around, Leo suffered daily from neglect and abuse. Leo's abuse never crossed my mind until now! And here's why:
Leo had three surgeries on his leg that I know of! Maybe more? Tell me? Is that a red flag?
That's a lot for a golden retriever puppy. The amount of times he was coned for the neglect from the very beginning of his life! Years before Joshua too!
And for no reason! Lazy, forgetful but not ignorant! Very intelligent, legal mind! This story of a dog and a boy is not about me.
Plenty of people have pets!
Lots of people get the opportunity to raise a puppy after the 8 weeks waiting period. Separating the birth mother and siblings and then set on to a new life! This Leo had a new lease on life!
Whether it be a private adoption or bill of sale from a PetSmart. It's assumed that the animal that's being acquired would be given to somebody with their best interests in mind.
Most reasonable people don't have to think like this, but this dog owner is special! Unique! Careless and irresponsible!
There are plenty of people that do it very successfully without one injury every single day!
I never put two and two together in the beginning, because I was not looking for the information!
I've been forced to talk about this!
Leo had three or more surgery's!
Leo had two when I met him! Two surgeries for young puppy. 
This all has been recently brought to my attention.
For every surgery, there is an appointment before, during, and after. 
Everyone knows that the after care and after a surgery, there's going to be follow-up doctor's visits. There's going to be instructions on how to care for their dog. Often a printed instruction sheet follows with the dog after surgery. 
There is plenty of communication between the hospital and the owner.
Medication is usually involved to keep the dog comfortable .Dog Therapy, which actually means owner therapy! but then learning from your mistakes, most people understand that before acquiring a human or a canine or feline!
Leo wasn't able to speak our language! He wasn't able to tell the vet in his own words what happened in his house that resulted in multiple surgeries over the years!
Leo was a loving dog and love being around people! Wherever I was in the house, Leo would be there. Whenever I went outside to smoke or work around the house, Leo was with me. He took a liking to me when the responsibility was put upon me by the dog owner to have more and more daily responsibility for this dog. Putting the responsibility on me from jump, I felt was kind of her responsibility to do!
I became more of a caregiver for Leo So the dog owner could focus on what was important to her. Unfocused, traveling between three states a day, up and down elevators, court proceedings, lawyers, judges, depositions and summaries. Law, was the dog owner's focus while I was put into a position of being the primary caregiver by the dog owner without my consent. Before me was Peter Korda, and after me was Lester Hobbs and then Gary taking care of the necessities of the canine and then Joshua in this dog owners home! Happily, these other men she found suitable to let into her home, They take care of her day today while she focuses on some other bigger picture! Some way to become distracted and not focus on the child or dog, but focus on a bigger picture now coming into focus!
To my knowledge, there is not a hotline for animal abuse and I don't believe at the time veterinary we're not obligated to report such suspicious activity. Sometimes I wonder if Dr Klein from Southampton pediatrics ever knew the history of this dog prior to my son ever being seen by that office! Oh hell! I wasn't looking for any of this when I met this dog owner.
Leo was a good dog that wasn't trained by his owner. A dog owner who had no time to spend with the young pup while they commute back and forth to New York for hearing high profile Court cases.
Often the young pup was transported from their home to a weekend puppy resort centers so that the owner can get away. The demand of the dogs needs were less important than the owner needs. Leo had the appearance of being a showpiece to this owner. An inanimate object that needed some attention, I might say I've personally witnessed. Barking out orders to everybody else, to walk Leo, or to feed Leo.
At the time, I felt like I was taking orders. I felt like she was placing the demands upon me As if to say, You're in my world now! Do as I say!
This was just another thankless job that I was forced into because she was too busy somewhere else! She felt good to be able to manage everything with me around because I take care of things! There's a whole list of what I did before and after living there. That to be honest, I'm not going to list them here because this is about Leo and not me, but the monetary value of what I brought to that home until the day I left was in the ballpark of $100,000. I left almost $100,000 on the table and walked out without even a thank you or reimbursing me Even though there was a previous verbal agreement, This dog owner broke that too! And I'm not talking about child support either, that separate!
Under her employ, when I met this dog owner had hired a dog walker named Diane who had three kids of her own? Teenagers on ADHD medicine! This dog owner referred to Diane as bipolar with emotional distress. This was an admission of this dog owner and not solicited. Now knowing this, Diane had access to lots of pharmaceutical drugs from multiple people in her family, was not a thought in my mind at that time! But it is now!
When I met Leo, this dog owner had just moved into a townhouse and had recently been divorced from Peter Korda. Peter Korda, And a high powered attorney in New York City, had, I believe, four kids of his own!? Any of these children on ADHD medicine or antipsychotics?
I believe this dog owner was previously in school for some sort of psychotherapy taking classes in New York at one point before we met. Later on she would be seeing a therapist. When we met I was taking classes for sign language and photography at the same time at Neshaminy high School for adult night classes. I took sign language because my family and the family at church. We were friends with deaf people and I wanted to learn how to communicate with them just like my family! This was important to me! I didn't learn Spanish or French, always learning on my own How to use American sign language to I will always be able to communicate with any deaf person that come across the rest of my life! Is that not a gift? The ability to speak to people Not suspecting me to come out and start to hand sign should they know they have a friend who will listen, and can listen!
This dog owner had two previous marriages and no kids. Leo was her first! First that I know of anyways!
I know people that treat their animals like humans! I know people that treat their animals way much better than strangers! I know people that treat animals like they were own children!
I've heard people refer to their animals as their very own children. I know that people treat their animals like a part of the family! 
People celebrate their animals first everything!
And we all know that one annoying person that's got to make everything about their cat or their dog as we politely smile through until it's over!
Some families have a funeral for their dog, but I was not invited to Leo's even though I was a part of his life for some 2 years. I was never extended the courtesy to attend his funeral even though I was his caregiver of Leo for 2 years. He passed away and I never received an invitation for his funeral. To be there for my son, for Josh's dog too!
Years later, When the dog owner informed me that Leo was going to be passing soon, I politely responded with, Joshua is free to go be with Leo whenever you say! I added, I can drop Joshua off or you can pick him up! I'm here for Joshua and his first dog and I support the next step!
Now once this dog owner warned me that Leo was going to be passing, that was the last I heard about it! I was not even told the day he passed by the dog owner for my own knowledge on how to care for my son who just lost his dog! I wasn't told that a member of our family had passed away! This information was kept from me that I'm just realizing now as I write.
Everybody knows the most important part of surgery is the aftercare! Post surgery care is the most important part of the surgery itself!
It takes time to address the wounds, put ointment on, keep the area clean, but more importantly to make sure that the dog remains safe for himself so he doesn't incur another injury!
Having to recall this, was very difficult to write. Because the perception that I once first had is no more!
Leo, God rest his soul, had three surgeries, major to his future and his life to be independent. 
Leo suffered three injuries to his leg, I'm not quite sure how many, cuz I wasn't there, How many hospitals did Leo go to for his surgeries?
I didn't realize this until now!
The dog owner was told not just once, but three times how to avoid injury like this!
How many times was Leo's needs ignored, but the surgeries were evident of the neglect!
How much sympathy does one really need?
What started out with a dog who she did not have time for, neglected that needs of the dog, The amount of instruction required of her not obeyed one time, but disrespected the dog three times in total! Before Joshua! And I didn't know!
Before Josh was even born, Leo, Her first born, was not safe in her care! 
Most dog owners pride themselves on how well they take care of their newborn puppies and set them up for success for their future!
Some dog owners learn from the first mistake and never make the mistake again!
Some dog owners take the time to respect professional who are there to help them! If you're called to help animals, you love animals! Nobody needs to read about love when it comes naturally for us! Teach you how to care for them, that's what the veterinary hospital has people in there to rehabilitate the damage animal! Learning from the first surgery never happened, learning from the second surgery, never happened.
Now let's quickly add a child to this entire scenario! Was the child safe? No! Never! Because the paper trail doesn't lie! From veterinary medical records to court records, pediatricians, police, and psychiatrists, all notated the most ridiculous crime to this boy, all under their nose! All reported! All documented!
For Leo, These people in their field know how to take care of animals because they spend their days correcting what went wrong! These people don't need to take another test on how to care for animals, they're here for the common man.
The very first surgery Leo went through before I ever met this dog owner was explain to their face and in great detail, I am to assume, that the small puppy dog cannot be up on a bed so high! Especially a tall sleigh bed which was after the second surgery she confessed to me about what the vet said not to do!
The vet and or vet techs spoke at great lengths the very first time. Provided her paperwork on care before and after the very first surgery! Here you have both verbal and written instructions and this dog owner chooses not to follow anything! This dog owner knows better than the surgeons! This dog owner knows better than the dog walker. Leg and knee surgery for a brand new puppy, not once but three times! Staples, and stitches! Multiple scarring over the injured area throughout the years. The pain Leo must have felt after every injury that never quite healed. I'm going to take a guess that he suffered from arthritis severely because of the lack of care that was happened to him in the beginning of his life!
This owner was provided the same information three times and the dog still suffered! Still taking medication she was in charge of. The medication that kept flowing with every surgery and in every injury! Leo was there for the examination, but couldn't speak! Leo wasn't able to collaborate their story! Leo had no voice other than the evidence of the neglect!
The trips to the pharmacy did not deter this dog owner. The dog wearing a cone on his head for 18 months total or more for his total life Did not deter her? Just a thought of me picking up a prescription really annoys me, but this is where she began getting her fix. Sympathy from the doctors. The reward of drugs!
It's quite easy! Damage the dog get some drugs! Damage the dog and get some drugs! Damage the dog and get some drugs!
Fast forward 2 years? Damage the boy and get some drugs! Damage the boy and get some drugs! Damage the boy and get some drugs!
Again, I'm just realizing this!
These are the facts!
FDIA or munchen syndrome by proxy is the most lethal, the most dangerous of emotional abuse known to man. The most deadliest form because most don't get out alive, just ask Dee Dee Blanchard. Imposing a fictitious disease from a mentally disturbed woman onto a child or a dog, is mental illness I've called the attention of Bucks County children and youth for protection over my son over 15 years ago and I stated FDIA in my first phone call to report officially this child abuse that I've been made known of from this woman and dog owner! 
This vindicates me for the last 15-20 years. Josh's medical records and Leo's combined. Leo pre-dates me my relationship to this proud dog owner! Leo was sustaining injuries before I was ever in the picture! My name is not on any of Joshua's medical records and they're not on any of Leo's either!
One woman, Shields herself with the use of taxpayers money, Her employer, Bucks County judicial system, to have not just one official report of the child abuse I've reported consistently, but now stands five in all over the last 15 years! 
If there was only some way of sharing this information with the county, we wouldn't have to waste taxpayers money. Sparing me from frivolous court appearances that don't make sense? Both Dr. Klein, Southampton pediatrics and Dr. Weinberg, Lower Bucks pediatrics, should have been made aware of the canines medical history would probably have ended in a different result every time Joshua was sitting in front of them, because he didn't have to and I know this!
Knowing the law and then using it against me to cover up a crime in this country, is the crime! This woman who was seasoned in all legal proceedings, knew what to do because she was trained, but choosing not to make the most critical phone call to a child's life is totally 100% unacceptable in any day and any time and any age! Ignorance is no excuse for the law! And mark my words, nobody in this country is above the law! As a good Christian man, as a man who believes in his faith, Who knows the Constitution and how this country was formed and grew, A Patriot through and through. I believe it's not my will to be done, but my father's witch is in heaven! 
Pray for Joshua! Pray for Tess Sola! Pray for me! But more importantly, pray for those who have a voice and can't use it Or maybe those were too afraid to come forward when they know better. Pray for our judges and our politicians and our leaders to do what's best for this country! That we can learn and grow from this and that we can move forward in such a way that brings glory to the next generation while providing a safer home for the next generation!
I pray for my friends and family who have struggled to understand the story that I'm still not quite understanding the entirety to this day!
So much of this has been confusing to me and still is!
I pray for my friends who I've lost touch with through this, That's somehow someway this world becomes a little bit better for everybody! But it starts with me first! I've got to be a good Christian example to others! Forgiving those who trespass against us, turning the other cheek, with the gift of understanding and kindness is the best to move forward! Michael Jackson said it best, I'm starting with the man in the mirror!
I did not create this freaking mess! This was here all before I entered the relationship and I will be damned If I will ever spend a day in jail for what this woman done to her dog first and then our son!
I'm just a father with a flashlight!
I'm doing what is necessary to protect my son in the middle of a very convoluted and contentious situation that was brought to me by her mental illness. If she ends up finding the help she needs someday, Joshua and I will be here for her every step of the way like we both have been from jump! We both will support her 100% because that's what family does! We support each other and love each other through it! Love is the best medicine of all.
Maybe somebody should do their research and their due diligence like I have. Genesis, everything starts from somewhere, but have compassion on those who are not understanding what they are going through! When people like me try to explain the situation that I've been put into, I am no authority! I'm just some dumb schmuck within high school education, barely, who was conned by a very convincing and devious official Court reporter to The Honorable Judge Alan Rubinstein, Bucks County Court for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
Although I would say, I'm not a professional by any means, but I've learned how to investigate the nature of the crimes that affect my son because he is the most important thing in my life! The facts speaks for themselves, there is a cereal abuser that got to my son! And she ain't done yet until She gets help!
This entire exercise has taught me to know my history. To be more confident and assertive even when the pieces of the puzzle just don't make sense! To be absolutely 100% positive before ever writing one word! My son Joshua Is my hero because he's giving me the courage to stand up against injustice when I see it first hand and the responsibly report it as required as a citizen of these here United States of America! But more importantly, he's my hero because he's the one that went through all of this! I've been just sitting here trying to hold his hand through it! Joshua is a warrior and a fighter! He's been training his whole life to get out of this situation that he will in fact be delivered from, someday! How do I know? Where do you think his training for success began?
As a animal lover, myself, My Labrador retriever was my first little buddy and I love him dear! Cats, dogs, horses, All God's creatures I love. Above ground and under the sea, it all works for the greater good of this world! Right?
In conclusion,
Leo has the most important story of all!
Leo is the story! Leo has a history! I was there! I know now how to put a cone on a dog. That was the first and last experience I'd ever had in my life putting a come on a dog, And now I know why!
 For Joshua, Did all the doctors, pediatricians, psychiatrist , including lawyers, court clerk's, and all the judges, All the people she works with at the courthouse to this day do not know about Leo and his history. If they were all informed of the gross negligence prior to the birth of one Joshua Vincent Edel, would I even be having this conversation? Nope!
This dog has a voice! Do you hear me now?
I hear Leo! 
If there was some way somehow I could pull all of medical forms for Leo's life, I damn well would do that for him! He deserves that win! If somehow I was able to subpoena all of his records like I did for Joshua, I would do it in a heartbeat without hesitation and for the good  tire story and where it all began.
I hope that Leo finds his peace in heaven and that he knows who was there for him. That this man went to Great lengths to recall situations that are very important and critical to the future and life of my son! Thanks to Leo!
Thank you Leo! I learned a lot from you good ol'boy! Leo, Go play with your ball till I can throw it to you again boy!
Mark Edel 
---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Mark Edel <[email protected]>
Date: Sun, Nov 6, 2022, 3:08 PM
Subject: Look at Leo! He was there first!
To: Ice-Sheila Sporkin-Edel-mom <[email protected]>
Dear Leo,
Thanks to you! I've become a great investigator. Pretty solid, honest and straightforward. But before I was around, Leo suffered daily from neglect and abuse. Leo's abuse never crossed my mind until now! And here's why:
Leo had three surgeries on his leg that I know of! Maybe more? Tell me? Is that a red flag?
That's a lot for a golden retriever puppy. The amount of times he was coned for the neglect from the very beginning of his life! Years before Joshua too!
And for no reason! Lazy, forgetful but not ignorant! Very intelligent, legal mind! This story of a dog and a boy is not about me.
Plenty of people have pets!
Lots of people get the opportunity to raise a puppy after the 8 weeks waiting period. Separating the birth mother and siblings and then set on to a new life! This Leo had a new lease on life!
Whether it be a private adoption or bill of sale from a PetSmart. It's assumed that the animal that's being acquired would be given to somebody with their best interests in mind.
Most reasonable people don't have to think like this, but this dog owner is special! Unique! Careless and irresponsible!
There are plenty of people that do it very successfully without one injury every single day!
I never put two and two together in the beginning, because I was not looking for the information!
I've been forced to talk about this!
Leo had three or more surgery's!
Leo had two when I met him! Two surgeries for young puppy. 
This all has been recently brought to my attention.
For every surgery, there is an appointment before, during, and after. 
Everyone knows that the after care and after a surgery, there's going to be follow-up doctor's visits. There's going to be instructions on how to care for their dog. Often a printed instruction sheet follows with the dog after surgery. 
There is plenty of communication between the hospital and the owner.
Medication is usually involved to keep the dog comfortable .Dog Therapy, which actually means owner therapy! but then learning from your mistakes, most people understand that before acquiring a human or a canine or feline!
Leo wasn't able to speak our language! He wasn't able to tell the vet in his own words what happened in his house that resulted in multiple surgeries over the years!
Leo was a loving dog and love being around people! Wherever I was in the house, Leo would be there. Whenever I went outside to smoke or work around the house, Leo was with me. He took a liking to me when the responsibility was put upon me by the dog owner to have more and more daily responsibility for this dog. Putting the responsibility on me from jump, I felt was kind of her responsibility to do!
I became more of a caregiver for Leo So the dog owner could focus on what was important to her. Unfocused, traveling between three states a day, up and down elevators, court proceedings, lawyers, judges, depositions and summaries. Law, was the dog owner's focus while I was put into a position of being the primary caregiver by the dog owner without my consent. Before me was Peter Korda, and after me was Lester Hobbs and then Gary taking care of the necessities of the canine and then Joshua in this dog owners home! Happily, these other men she found suitable to let into her home, They take care of her day today while she focuses on some other bigger picture! Some way to become distracted and not focus on the child or dog, but focus on a bigger picture now coming into focus!
To my knowledge, there is not a hotline for animal abuse and I don't believe at the time veterinary we're not obligated to report such suspicious activity. Sometimes I wonder if Dr Klein from Southampton pediatrics ever knew the history of this dog prior to my son ever being seen by that office! Oh hell! I wasn't looking for any of this when I met this dog owner.
Leo was a good dog that wasn't trained by his owner. A dog owner who had no time to spend with the young pup while they commute back and forth to New York for hearing high profile Court cases.
Often the young pup was transported from their home to a weekend puppy resort centers so that the owner can get away. The demand of the dogs needs were less important than the owner needs. Leo had the appearance of being a showpiece to this owner. An inanimate object that needed some attention, I might say I've personally witnessed. Barking out orders to everybody else, to walk Leo, or to feed Leo.
At the time, I felt like I was taking orders. I felt like she was placing the demands upon me As if to say, You're in my world now! Do as I say!
This was just another thankless job that I was forced into because she was too busy somewhere else! She felt good to be able to manage everything with me around because I take care of things! There's a whole list of what I did before and after living there. That to be honest, I'm not going to list them here because this is about Leo and not me, but the monetary value of what I brought to that home until the day I left was in the ballpark of $100,000. I left almost $100,000 on the table and walked out without even a thank you or reimbursing me Even though there was a previous verbal agreement, This dog owner broke that too! And I'm not talking about child support either, that separate!
Under her employ, when I met this dog owner had hired a dog walker named Diane who had three kids of her own? Teenagers on ADHD medicine! This dog owner referred to Diane as bipolar with emotional distress. This was an admission of this dog owner and not solicited. Now knowing this, Diane had access to lots of pharmaceutical drugs from multiple people in her family, was not a thought in my mind at that time! But it is now!
When I met Leo, this dog owner had just moved into a townhouse and had recently been divorced from Peter Korda. Peter Korda, And a high powered attorney in New York City, had, I believe, four kids of his own!? Any of these children on ADHD medicine or antipsychotics?
I believe this dog owner was previously in school for some sort of psychotherapy taking classes in New York at one point before we met. Later on she would be seeing a therapist. When we met I was taking classes for sign language and photography at the same time at Neshaminy high School for adult night classes. I took sign language because my family and the family at church. We were friends with deaf people and I wanted to learn how to communicate with them just like my family! This was important to me! I didn't learn Spanish or French, always learning on my own How to use American sign language to I will always be able to communicate with any deaf person that come across the rest of my life! Is that not a gift? The ability to speak to people Not suspecting me to come out and start to hand sign should they know they have a friend who will listen, and can listen!
This dog owner had two previous marriages and no kids. Leo was her first! First that I know of anyways!
I know people that treat their animals like humans! I know people that treat their animals way much better than strangers! I know people that treat animals like they were own children!
I've heard people refer to their animals as their very own children. I know that people treat their animals like a part of the family! 
People celebrate their animals first everything!
And we all know that one annoying person that's got to make everything about their cat or their dog as we politely smile through until it's over!
Some families have a funeral for their dog, but I was not invited to Leo's even though I was a part of his life for some 2 years. I was never extended the courtesy to attend his funeral even though I was his caregiver of Leo for 2 years. He passed away and I never received an invitation for his funeral. To be there for my son, for Josh's dog too!
Years later, When the dog owner informed me that Leo was going to be passing soon, I politely responded with, Joshua is free to go be with Leo whenever you say! I added, I can drop Joshua off or you can pick him up! I'm here for Joshua and his first dog and I support the next step!
Now once this dog owner warned me that Leo was going to be passing, that was the last I heard about it! I was not even told the day he passed by the dog owner for my own knowledge on how to care for my son who just lost his dog! I wasn't told that a member of our family had passed away! This information was kept from me that I'm just realizing now as I write.
Everybody knows the most important part of surgery is the aftercare! Post surgery care is the most important part of the surgery itself!
It takes time to address the wounds, put ointment on, keep the area clean, but more importantly to make sure that the dog remains safe for himself so he doesn't incur another injury!
Having to recall this, was very difficult to write. Because the perception that I once first had is no more!
Leo, God rest his soul, had three surgeries, major to his future and his life to be independent. 
Leo suffered three injuries to his leg, I'm not quite sure how many, cuz I wasn't there, How many hospitals did Leo go to for his surgeries?
I didn't realize this until now!
The dog owner was told not just once, but three times how to avoid injury like this!
How many times was Leo's needs ignored, but the surgeries were evident of the neglect!
How much sympathy does one really need?
What started out with a dog who she did not have time for, neglected that needs of the dog, The amount of instruction required of her not obeyed one time, but disrespected the dog three times in total! Before Joshua! And I didn't know!
Before Josh was even born, Leo, Her first born, was not safe in her care! 
Most dog owners pride themselves on how well they take care of their newborn puppies and set them up for success for their future!
Some dog owners learn from the first mistake and never make the mistake again!
Some dog owners take the time to respect professional who are there to help them! If you're called to help animals, you love animals! Nobody needs to read about love when it comes naturally for us! Teach you how to care for them, that's what the veterinary hospital has people in there to rehabilitate the damage animal! Learning from the first surgery never happened, learning from the second surgery, never happened.
Now let's quickly add a child to this entire scenario! Was the child safe? No! Never! Because the paper trail doesn't lie! From veterinary medical records to court records, pediatricians, police, and psychiatrists, all notated the most ridiculous crime to this boy, all under their nose! All reported! All documented!
For Leo, These people in their field know how to take care of animals because they spend their days correcting what went wrong! These people don't need to take another test on how to care for animals, they're here for the common man.
The very first surgery Leo went through before I ever met this dog owner was explain to their face and in great detail, I am to assume, that the small puppy dog cannot be up on a bed so high! Especially a tall sleigh bed which was after the second surgery she confessed to me about what the vet said not to do!
The vet and or vet techs spoke at great lengths the very first time. Provided her paperwork on care before and after the very first surgery! Here you have both verbal and written instructions and this dog owner chooses not to follow anything! This dog owner knows better than the surgeons! This dog owner knows better than the dog walker. Leg and knee surgery for a brand new puppy, not once but three times! Staples, and stitches! Multiple scarring over the injured area throughout the years. The pain Leo must have felt after every injury that never quite healed. I'm going to take a guess that he suffered from arthritis severely because of the lack of care that was happened to him in the beginning of his life!
This owner was provided the same information three times and the dog still suffered! Still taking medication she was in charge of. The medication that kept flowing with every surgery and in every injury! Leo was there for the examination, but couldn't speak! Leo wasn't able to collaborate their story! Leo had no voice other than the evidence of the neglect!
The trips to the pharmacy did not deter this dog owner. The dog wearing a cone on his head for 18 months total or more for his total life Did not deter her? Just a thought of me picking up a prescription really annoys me, but this is where she began getting her fix. Sympathy from the doctors. The reward of drugs!
It's quite easy! Damage the dog get some drugs! Damage the dog and get some drugs! Damage the dog and get some drugs!
Fast forward 2 years? Damage the boy and get some drugs! Damage the boy and get some drugs! Damage the boy and get some drugs!
Again, I'm just realizing this!
These are the facts!
FDIA or munchen syndrome by proxy is the most lethal, the most dangerous of emotional abuse known to man. The most deadliest form because most don't get out alive, just ask Dee Dee Blanchard. Imposing a fictitious disease from a mentally disturbed woman onto a child or a dog, is mental illness I've called the attention of Bucks County children and youth for protection over my son over 15 years ago and I stated FDIA in my first phone call to report officially this child abuse that I've been made known of from this woman and dog owner! 
This vindicates me for the last 15-20 years. Josh's medical records and Leo's combined. Leo pre-dates me my relationship to this proud dog owner! Leo was sustaining injuries before I was ever in the picture! My name is not on any of Joshua's medical records and they're not on any of Leo's either!
One woman, Shields herself with the use of taxpayers money, Her employer, Bucks County judicial system, to have not just one official report of the child abuse I've reported consistently, but now stands five in all over the last 15 years! 
If there was only some way of sharing this information with the county, we wouldn't have to waste taxpayers money. Sparing me from frivolous court appearances that don't make sense? Both Dr. Klein, Southampton pediatrics and Dr. Weinberg, Lower Bucks pediatrics, should have been made aware of the canines medical history would probably have ended in a different result every time Joshua was sitting in front of them, because he didn't have to and I know this!
Knowing the law and then using it against me to cover up a crime in this country, is the crime! This woman who was seasoned in all legal proceedings, knew what to do because she was trained, but choosing not to make the most critical phone call to a child's life is totally 100% unacceptable in any day and any time and any age! Ignorance is no excuse for the law! And mark my words, nobody in this country is above the law! As a good Christian man, as a man who believes in his faith, Who knows the Constitution and how this country was formed and grew, A Patriot through and through. I believe it's not my will to be done, but my father's witch is in heaven! 
Pray for Joshua! Pray for Tess Sola! Pray for me! But more importantly, pray for those who have a voice and can't use it Or maybe those were too afraid to come forward when they know better. Pray for our judges and our politicians and our leaders to do what's best for this country! That we can learn and grow from this and that we can move forward in such a way that brings glory to the next generation while providing a safer home for the next generation!
I pray for my friends and family who have struggled to understand the story that I'm still not quite understanding the entirety to this day!
So much of this has been confusing to me and still is!
I pray for my friends who I've lost touch with through this, That's somehow someway this world becomes a little bit better for everybody! But it starts with me first! I've got to be a good Christian example to others! Forgiving those who trespass against us, turning the other cheek, with the gift of understanding and kindness is the best to move forward! Michael Jackson said it best, I'm starting with the man in the mirror!
I did not create this freaking mess! This was here all before I entered the relationship and I will be damned If I will ever spend a day in jail for what this woman done to her dog first and then our son!
I'm just a father with a flashlight!
I'm doing what is necessary to protect my son in the middle of a very convoluted and contentious situation that was brought to me by her mental illness. If she ends up finding the help she needs someday, Joshua and I will be here for her every step of the way like we both have been from jump! We both will support her 100% because that's what family does! We support each other and love each other through it! Love is the best medicine of all.
Maybe somebody should do their research and their due diligence like I have. Genesis, everything starts from somewhere, but have compassion on those who are not understanding what they are going through! When people like me try to explain the situation that I've been put into, I am no authority! I'm just some dumb schmuck within high school education, barely, who was conned by a very convincing and devious official Court reporter to The Honorable Judge Alan Rubinstein, Bucks County Court for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.
Although I would say, I'm not a professional by any means, but I've learned how to investigate the nature of the crimes that affect my son because he is the most important thing in my life! The facts speaks for themselves, there is a cereal abuser that got to my son! And she ain't done yet until She gets help!
This entire exercise has taught me to know my history. To be more confident and assertive even when the pieces of the puzzle just don't make sense! To be absolutely 100% positive before ever writing one word! My son Joshua Is my hero because he's giving me the courage to stand up against injustice when I see it first hand and the responsibly report it as required as a citizen of these here United States of America! But more importantly, he's my hero because he's the one that went through all of this! I've been just sitting here trying to hold his hand through it! Joshua is a warrior and a fighter! He's been training his whole life to get out of this situation that he will in fact be delivered from, someday! How do I know? Where do you think his training for success began?
As a animal lover, myself, My Labrador retriever was my first little buddy and I love him dear! Cats, dogs, horses, All God's creatures I love. Above ground and under the sea, it all works for the greater good of this world! Right?
In conclusion,
Leo has the most important story of all!
Leo is the story! Leo has a history! I was there! I know now how to put a cone on a dog. That was the first and last experience I'd ever had in my life putting a come on a dog, And now I know why!
 For Joshua, Did all the doctors, pediatricians, psychiatrist , including lawyers, court clerk's, and all the judges, All the people she works with at the courthouse to this day do not know about Leo and his history. If they were all informed of the gross negligence prior to the birth of one Joshua Vincent Edel, would I even be having this conversation? Nope!
This dog has a voice! Do you hear me now?
I hear Leo! 
If there was some way somehow I could pull all of medical forms for Leo's life, I damn well would do that for him! He deserves that win! If somehow I was able to subpoena all of his records like I did for Joshua, I would do it in a heartbeat without hesitation and for the good  tire story and where it all began.
I hope that Leo finds his peace in heaven and that he knows who was there for him. That this man went to Great lengths to recall situations that are very important and critical to the future and life of my son! Thanks to Leo!
Thank you Leo! I learned a lot from you good ol'boy! Leo, Go play with your ball till I can throw it to you again boy!
Mark Edel 
1 note · View note
borkthemork · 3 years
Text
When one reached a certain age, the concept of being old became timeless.
Biology foretold that being old meant sagging skin, the pinch of one's nose, the many aches all over. And these signs mean time passed — that flesh liked to be wimpy when it wanted to be, that years of living could do that. 
Gravity placed wrinkles on weathered hands, and time said that the slow, slow realization was a blessing that came with it.
At first, Marcy didn't agree with that last statement. 
After all, the words sounded too fake, too philosophical. Perception could happen in an instant, after all. Marcy had realized that her baby teeth weren't baby teeth any more, that the window sill of her room got painted green all over when the wood rotted, and puberty came and went — with the pimples, the changes down under, the squeaks in her voice.
She noticed these changes were prominent and weird and who wouldn't remark about the body? After all, white hair came down to hair negligence, genetics, stress, and age. Same for many other traits.
Why would one have a slow realization of being old? It made no sense.
Until it did.
Because being old never touched the mind nor the body in the way that a fifteen-year-old predicted.
An example: Marcy remembered waking up numerous times. 
She'd be twenty-one when she woke up, and the first thought wasn't of mortgage but about the latest DM sesh down at the comic shop.
She'd be twenty-four when she woke up, the first thought wasn't of hospital bills but what her colleagues would think over her newest innovation — an algorithm, computing the latest statistics from the traveling agencies.  
Then she'd be twenty-seven when she woke up warm, Anne's head nestled against her chest. Marcy's arms got sweaty. They got sweaty from body heat, over the cushions bedding their form, listening intently to the So-Cal radio a few feet away.
Thirties. Her smiles remained consistent. She had another DM session, got labelled the Queen of C&C by the youngest intern, and she laughed in delight when the rest agreed. Her apartment became a home. She liked to scratch her cat's ears, tell her Labrador that if he ate her chili dog he would die — even if his name was Sonic the Hedgehog. She kept schedules, took medication, asked for a psychiatrist, and got herself out of jury duty.
Then the forties. She wrote the number down in numerous journals, always pondering the concept of what it meant to be forty, or forty-three, or forty-seven. Marcy didn't get much of an answer. But she did get kisses on her cheek, a few whispers and giggles because gosh flirting never got old, and she heard a new show came on air. She heard that the writing was great, the scheduling not so much. Was that all forties? Did forties allow for that?
Because she would dance with her love under some tree in a random park out in the countryside. They drew frogs and placed the sticky notes on lampposts. She grabbed pine cones for her new hiking collection. Montana would then flit past the van's windows, the girls laughing over how Anne almost threw up over a bear and how Sasha fought said bear with her ready hands with no shits given. Then Marcy got phone calls that left her sobbing on the hotel floor, buying plane tickets to say the last questionable goodbyes to a dying father she spilled her guts over in counseling.
Her house got a paint job. 
Adoption got considered under the strained light of a lamp. 
Mortgage, politics, ulcers, bills. 
New shows to binge, new shows to analyze on some blogs on some websites. 
Roll for a perception check. 
New funerals. New celebrations. 
Manifested arguments and apologies under the same roof, the same roof where she and Anne kissed as if no one was there to see.
Yunan and Olivia visited. Mom talked about her will, about the newest houses out in the country. Anne rubbed her shoulders once and asked if she needed a vacation and Marcy couldn't help but say yes.
Marcy asked Sasha's fifteen-year-old if he liked the dab. And that same kid looked at her as if she said nothing but gibberish. So she laughed with Sasha over how old they were and Sasha scoffed the idea, said that everything else seemed the same.
The same, yet different.
And Marcy couldn’t help but agree.
Life became this. The constant ups and downs, the people to impress and deny, the continued mistakes and learning that made Marcy all the more wiser and perplexed and dumb.
After all, it seemed like last year that she kissed Anne up in some stuffy dorm — when really it was fifty years ago.
Meeting her bestest friends in the world? Ten years more.
With this in mind, she still couldn't differentiate between the right ways to converse and why the talk of the weather bored her. Or why Anne hated the word 'moist' when it got applied to bakery goods. 
Biology foretold that her joints would ache, that Marcy had to jog harder in the early Amphibia mornings when Joe's descendants fluttered past her. She knew that sleep got less, that jobs took her mind, made her less agile with the days and days passing.
Yet her smiles deepened, her kisses sweeter than before. She collected swords, grew proud over the C&C players and their new found family, and enjoyed annoying Sasha's kids with outdated slang until their eyes rolled out of their sockets.
She knew now what old meant.
And as Marcy Wu stared at her leather hands — at her dimpled cheeks, at the chocolate eyes hidden among a nest of wrinkles — there came no fear at what she found.
Just the simple joy of being alive.
141 notes · View notes
annab-nana · 3 years
Text
My Dork - Colby Brock
Sam and Colby invite you and Jake to explore a recently abandoned hospital with them and things don’t go according to plan.
@traphousedaily’s favorite xplr video project with: @lonely-xplr, @sarcasmhadachild, @gothtara, @reddesertcolbs, @reinad-snc, @cartiercolby, @colbylover99, @xplrtrash, @goddess-of-time-and-magic, @xolbyz, @myguiltypleasures21
A/N: I didn’t have a lot of time to edit this one, so sorry for any errors there might be :)
Warnings: some curse words
Word Count: 1.8k+
--------------------------------------------------
“This is the Saint Luke’s Medical Hospital,” Sam announced as he zoomed in on the large building ahead of you four. You were slightly freaked out by the number of signs telling you that there was a guard dog around that you should beware of, but the boys did not seem to care that much.
“Look, there’s a big fat boob on the top,” Jake whispered to the camera as he pointed to the brown dome shape that sat at the top of the building that also had a small cone on top of that, resulting in a breast shape.
“There’s a big fat boob right here,” Colby giggled as he pointed to your chest. Your eyes widened and you stifled a laugh. You two made those kinds of jokes all the time, but he has never done it on camera.
“Colby!” you shouted before chuckling at the joke. The other two boys laughed as well before continuing to walk forward.
“You’re supposed to honk ‘em, right?” Jake asked as he made grabby hands, still going along with the boob joke. He then made a car honking noise with his mouth, causing you three to burst out in laughter.
“Yes, Jake. Go do that. Your goal today is to get to the top and honk that boobie,” Sam influence his friend before Jake ran ahead and he made grabby hands towards the building.
“How do we explain that to security if we get caught? Like what were you doing in here? We’re trying to honk boobies,” Colby joked as you rolled your eyes, realizing you were stuck to explore this hospital with three immature idiots. A noise caught you all off guard and you looked to Colby as he looked off at the building.
“That’s the dog,” Sam mumbled, looking in the same direction as Colby. You walked forward with the group to see the dog that sat behind the glass-paneled door. The dog barked with each step you guys got closer. You, Jake, and Sam backed away, but Colby’s dog-loving heart got closer to talk to it.
“We’re gonna come explore this hospital, okay? And we’re just going to look around for a second, alright? And then, we’re gonna leave, okay?” he told the pup in his talking to animals voice.
“Wait, dude, if there’s a dog right there, that means there’s a person right next to it,” Sam warned.
“There’s just a guy just listening to me say ‘We’re just going to explore this hospital’,” Colby laughed at the thought as he walked away from the dog. You all went around the building to find the door that y’all saw earlier when checking the perimeter of the place. There was a door that was wide open, so you all figured that would be the best way to enter. Once you guys arrived at the door, Colby peeked his head in and began making kissy noises.
“What are you doing?” Sam asked his best friend.
“I’m just making sure the dog knows that we’re coming in,” he spoke with a giggle. “Dude, wait. This is the part where we decide right now, do we wanna get bit by a dog or do we wanna be safe?”
“Did you bring the meat?” Sam asked Jake and Colby before the two pointed at each other.
“Colby’s got a fat ass. Bro, that dog has food for days. Ain’t that right, y/n?” Jake asked you as you nodded your head confidently.
“Why do I always have to go first?” Colby whined before grabbing the camera from Sam and walking forward. When he walked in the door, you all heard a click. You all walked away from the door to discuss the noise before deciding to go back.
“Dude, the click was because this door is automatic,” you told them when Sam went in and waved his hand near the door.
“Yeah, that’s it,” Sam said as he popped back out. “But it smells really bad. We should put on our masks in here.”
Colby handed you and Jake each a mask from Sam’s backpack before you put on the infamous black mask. Now, it was finally time to go in. Sam led the pack as he filmed, you and Colby followed with joined hands, and Jake was the caboose as he looked around at everything.
“You look adorable in your mask,” Colby bent down to whisper.
“You can only see my eyes, you asshole,” you giggled.
“Yeah, but I love your eyes.” You batted your eyelashes at the compliment before maintaining your focus ahead of you once more. Y’all made it to some stairs and made sure to take light and slow steps to lessen the risk of noise so the dog won’t find you. Once up the stairs, you went through a door that was already cracked open.
As you walked down the hallway with the guys, you realized how cool it was that you were doing. You had explored plenty of abandoned places with Colby, but they were all run down and broken and dirty. This place, however, still had running lights and literally felt like you were in a running hospital that had zero people in it.
You guys roamed the halls slowly as you tried to stay quiet. Eventually, you reached what looked like the hall where the patients lived. Everything was dead silent before Jake dropped something and it landed with a loud thud that bounced off the walls for anyone in the building to hear.
“Jake!” you whisper shouted.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, and you all moved to leave the room, not before he ran into something else and caused a ruckus. He muttered another apology and y’all left the room.
“Listen, we’re gonna fucking die. We’re gonna fucking die if y’all don’t stop making fucking noise. Okay?” Colby whispered to Sam who was filming him. You let out a small giggle before Jake spoke.
“It was my fault. I’m sorry.” Moments later, he made yet another noise while shutting a door behind him. Sam and Jake split off one way down the hall while you and Colby went the other.
“Yo, look at this,” Colby whispered when he knelt down to grab a sign that was laying on the floor. He turned around before showing it to you. It was a sign that told you which way the surgery recovery unit was and the stroke specialist unit too. “Should I keep this?”
“I don’t see why not.” He did a small happy dance and kissed you on the cheek before walking back to Sam and Jake.
Next, y’all found the best part of the building. It still had chairs and beds and literally looked like an actual hospital. You found the waiting area where the room was lined with red chairs. The next room over had some beds in it, but that was it. The last room in the hall looked the best. It had beds, counters, cabinets, an overhead light that you could move around, but you guys couldn’t stay long because a whistle was heard. So quickly, you four took a thumbnail picture before trying to leave. Of course, the boys got sidetracked when they saw a microphone that was linked to a speaker system.
“Sir, your penis appointment is scheduled,” Jake whispered into the mic before Colby went next.
“Could we have Larry with the case of gonorrhea come to the front office please. Thank you.”
Then, they realized it was time to go. Y’all speed-walked the way you came, but when you guys reached a door, Colby accidentally pushed the handle and an alarm sounded went off.
“Oh, shit. Shit. Shit. Shit,” Sam mumbled as speed walking turned into running. You four ran down the stairs and out of the building. Y’all walked slowly for a second to catch your breath and then took off again for the car. You threw open the back door and slipped in, leaving the door open so Jake could get in too. Colby placed the surgery sign next to you and got in the front. Right as Colby drove off, a police car passed by and turned into the hospital.
“That was crazy,” you stated as your breathing finally calmed down.
“I kinda wanna explore more of it next time,” Jake told Sam. You looked at him with wide eyes. The one who caused most of the noise wanted to go back. He may not have tripped the alarm this time, but if there was going to be a next time, he definitely would be the one to do it. “I feel like we should do a part two.”
“I feel like we should do a part two to that,” Sam agreed as he looked to Colby. Jake and Sam kept encouraging the idea before Colby spoke up.
“Yo, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“You don’t think that’s a good idea?” Sam questioned.
“No, we just barely got out of there.” Colby continued.
“And Jake can’t stay quiet to save his life,” you added before Jake gasped.
“Hey!”
“It’s true,” you told him with a smile.
“What if we bring dog treats?” Sam suggested.
“For the police? Because the dog wasn’t coming for us. It was the police,” you said to them.
“Okay, let’s think reasonably here,” Colby told Jake and Sam.
“What if we did? Like what if we got dog treats?” Jake imagined.
“No,” Colby protested.
“Do you think they’re trained not to care about anything?” Sam asked.
“Yes!” Colby said with enthusiasm. You rolled your eyes in the backseat. Sam was supposed to be the smart one, but right now, he wasn’t really showing that. “Okay, you really think a dog is gonna see you and start charging at you and you’re like ‘Hey, here’s a treat. Go get it,’ and it’s just gonna go. Like, come on now.”
“That stuff only happens in cartoons, Sam,” you told the blond.
“Alright, eighty-five thousand likes and we’ll do it,” he said to the camera as he completely ignored what you and Colby had said which you two gave up and nodded along.
Later on when you all came back to the trap house, you and Colby laid in bed to think about what had happened.
“That was crazy,” you started as your head hit his chest.
“I can’t believe they thought we just needed some dog treats, and it would all be better.”
“I can believe that Jake would think that, but I thought Sam was smarter than that.” You both laughed before silence fell over you two.
“But that place was really cool and pretty. Thanks for taking me,” you whispered.
“You’re really cool and pretty,” Colby added in.
“You are such a dork,” you giggled before kissing his lips.
“I’m your dork though.”
“Yes, you are my dork.”
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chicago-geniza · 3 years
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well i intended to go for a nice evening walk, ended up having a panic attack, ordering a couple of cocktails at the bougie bar, joining a jam session with a bunch of old hippies on the logan green (one of them gave me a handpainted wooden medallion which seems to be carved out of tree bark, strung on a length of yarn???), met a crustpunk train-hopping dude in town for the month (& his dog, in a leather-studded harness) who's lived in 45/50 states & a 44 yr old guy everyone called "the wizard" wearing a tattered, patch-covered robe who shares most of my parents' conspiracy theories & considers himself a latter-day prophet, he bought us sorbet & ice cream, wound up hanging out with them & staying up all night at their indescribably eclectic, cluttered, blood-spattered (!!!) apartment, belonging to 44 yr old guy's art curator father & decorated accordingly, smoking m*th & listening to music & talking (or rather listening to them rant/rave/recount stories from their incredibly wild lives), i gave them advice on applying for unemployment & medicaid & how to appear compliant enough w/ carceral psychiatric intervention so they won't section you without actually submitting to forced medication or institutionalization, especially if they assign you a case worker & do regular "wellness checks." also how to pass off certain aspects of behavioral dysregulation as executive dysfunction, get them to pay for an adhd evaluation, get an adderall IR scrip, sell the 30 mg pills (cite body weight, high doses of other psych meds as reason for higher dose; look sincere; play to systemic biases toward cis white men, unfortunately), & use the cash to buy m*th, if they'd prefer to keep doing that. you can also pass positive psychotic symptoms--agitation etc.--off as severe anxiety, especially if you have a history of trauma, & they will give you benzodiazepines. it is in their best interest to keep you docile, i.e. tranquilized, particularly if your past convictions & involuntary institutionalizations revolve around a pattern of aggressive behavior, & that's On The Record/there's a paper trail. (e.g. one dude got arrested trying to keep cars away from an injured bird on the road, some genre of raptor i think (???) by threatening them with a shopping cart, not hitting them, but like, running at them as if to collide then feinting at the last minute so they'd swerve out of the way. not the safest or most effective maneuver, lotta reckless endangerment, but the motivation was admirable. probably put the fear of god into some drivers, though. he doesn't seem to have, like, impulse control.) it's a lot easier & you have fewer run-ins with the cops if you game the system & appear cooperative. they gave me this coat, which "just showed up in their apartment one day," like i did. 44 yr old guy walked me back to apartment, stole a street sign & tore down a real estate sign en route, lori lightfoot did indeed take down the pride flag in front of her house on july 1st & replace it with an appropriately patriotic american flag, i walked past the idling plainclothes cop car & another marked police vehicle with their Mayoral Guarding Detail inside at like 4.30 am smoking a menthol cigarette (not inhaling), high on m*th, draped in a neon anime jacket, in the company of a visibly insane, unshaven & unshorn middle-aged man in a technicolor patchwork trenchcoat, holding a lit cigarette in one hand & an upside-down traffic cone in the other, which he was using as an ad hoc amplifier for a noise track playing on my phone. he was also carrying the stolen real estate banner &, inexplicably, a stack of mail. i gave him my old backup phone (no SIM card & doesn't hold a charge long, ancient, but still works), since neither he nor the other dude have phones (cops took them), also one hybrid edible for each of them, as a thanks for the m*th & the kindness. their hearts are in the right place but they have some fucked-up beliefs about "reverse racism" being real, while also saying in the same breath that you can tell our country is irredeemable by the way it continues to
treat black people. we were discussing medical weed for seizures on medicaid & 44 yr old guy mentioned one of his close friends, a black epileptic woman, whose seizures were frequent & severe enough they prevented her from working. then he added, in apparent bemusement, they she hadn't spoken to him in some time, & he wondered why. a little while later he relayed their last conversation & i was like "my dude, i can say with 100% certainty she is not talking to you because you said some *appallingly*, jaw-droppingly racist shit & did not even realize it was racist." then i, comma, a white person, explained to this man that he literally thought of their exchange as, like, an abstract argument over insignificant ideas, a theoretical exercise, & therefore considered it simply a smug gotcha to "counter" hotep theories about egyptian origin by claiming that "if that's true, american slavery & the oppression of black people in america are divine retribution for the enslavement of the jews in ancient egypt, an eye for an eye & a deserved punishment." like, first of all, what the actual fuck, if i were that woman i would also never speak to you again, second of all there's the collapse of historical time & mythical time, history & exegesis, an assumption that rests on spurious claims of biblical literalism (zionist colonization logic, btw! him: what's exegesis? what's zionism? me: never mind, not the point. exegesis is the interpretation of religious texts in a religious CONtext, in this case what you would likely call the hebrew bible.)--but most importantly it is 100% irrelevant to this discussion whether or not black americans are Actually Factually descendended from ancient egypt! you just told this woman to her face that the ancestry she claims, of which she's proud, is the reason & justification for SLAVERY & BLACK SUFFERING--not only that, but that if it WERE true, than black people would DESRVE to suffer, by DIVINE DECREE. you are trying to force her to abdicate her claim on this heritage by putting her in a position where she'd be forced to concede complicity in her people's historical & present-day persecution, oppression, & essentially the existence of structural racism. & using The Figural Jew as a rhetorical cudgel to bludgeon her into this corner. what a despicable thing to say. like, he hadn't considered it from her perspective at all, & once he groked why the comment itself was, like, unforgivable (idk, maybe she's more forgiving; she has a virtue-name), i started socratic-method-ing him through why it was particularly unforgivable for *him* to say to *her*--the individual is not responsible for the systems from they benefit, but they are imbricated in them, they are implicated when they actively perpetuate & uphold them, even with speech acts. & finally gave the same "there is no such thing as reverse racism because racism is not an individual act, it is an institutional, systemic phenomenon, & it is an ideology, one which individual acts can bear out or be in accordance with, & to which individuals can subscribe (this bearing it out in their behavior, in their institutional roles, in their interpersonal interactions--here i gave & solicited examples of each) or be subject (also gave & solicited examples). m*th makes me very good at Explaining clearly & he was surprisingly receptive--like, it was astonishing that it had not occurred to him??? but it hadn't, the same way it hadn't occurred to my mother, & she interpreted it as "reverse racist" when their next-door neighbor called her the "white devil" for disputing their property line, & i had to be like "ok but if you called in a random third party to mediate in lily-white [city], oregon, where white supremacists openly drive down the street in pickup trucks with swastika armbands, whose side do you think they would take, statistically speaking, in your property dispute. that's why racism is systemic & institutional, & your rude neighbor calling you a name over a disagreement does not constitute 'reverse racism,' because 'reverse racism' by definition cannot
exist." now this dude wants to like, read books, so i gotta get him some entry-level Intro To Racism primers??? how did i end up here, but better me than his black epileptic (ex-)friend, i guess??? jesus christ. both of these guys have the most chaotic, reactionary politics in a potpourri with these deep commitments to abolition & mutual aid & a kind of proto-anarchist consciousness, none of which would be called by those names, but all of which is borne out in practice & in the politics of everyday life. they remind me a LOT of my parents. i'm loath to imagine how they'd internalize my stepdad's rambling, street-preacher-style libertarian lectures. probably go out & buy guns & invest in gold on the stock market & double down on the conviction that free speech is being curtailed & individual rights are in jeopardy because you can no longer unleash a barrage of harassment against some guy on the street because you think he looked at you funny. these claustrophobic convictions, like the space to express oneself is getting smaller & smaller every day, *other people* are taking it away from you, suffocating you on all sides with their offense demanding your silence, they are *making* the walls close in--when in fact it's more like a holodeck. you're a member of the Hegemonic Group, afforded the privilege of the default, so you don't question the vast verdant expanse that is your domain--ah, Free Speech, the sun never sets on the empire of ~uncensored expression, you can say whatever you want whenever you want without facing consequences because you control all the organs that mete out consequences & you have also determined that those groups who might be adversely affected by your words--emotionally OR materially--are not, well...of consequence. but of course the vast verdant domain is an illusion, photons & forcefields, held together by the all-encompassing TOTALITY of the dominant group's hegemony, power, etc. once that power begins to redistribute throughout the system--however unevenly, however incrementally, however slowly--as even the smallest pieces are appropriated by those deemed inconsequential, who have endured years of systemic, material, institutional violence that allowed the dominant group to become dominant & retain its dominant position--once those 'inconsequential' groups speak up & say "actually, these words bear an indelible imprint of the violence enacted upon us, these words are the legacy of that violence, these words are a tacit endorsement of the ideology behind that violence, which classifies us as subhuman, & even if *you* can't hear those echoes, the words broadcast on two historical frequencies, so now that we're able to broadcast on a frequency *you* can hear, we request you find other language, & consider the implications of the words you've been using for years." well--once The Subaltern Speaks, the dominant group loses its 'innocence,' & becomes aware the vast verdant expanse of language is an illusion of infinite space, aware of the four holodeck walls pressing in behind the simulacrum of the horizon, & suddenly "what one can say without negative consequences"--largely social, sometimes, rarely, if social media goes viral, professional--feels much more claustrophobic. so they get angry. & some of them are just bigots, obviously, but some of them--like my parents, &, even, this weirdly well-intentioned m*thhead who said one of the most shockingly racist things i've heard in my life & *honestly didn't understand why it was racist*, is really riled up about free speech & individual rights, hates the government, hates "FANG" (facebook amazon netflix google) & has a bunch of dystopian conspiracy theories about data harvesting & personal information that only miss the mark in that they get too nefariously biopolitical (billionaires want to put microchips in everybody for surveillance to monitor our movements & sell us more stuff; they don't need to, they already use our phone location & browsing habits to generate the algorithm & sell the information to ad companies lol, it's digital& cast a
single illuminati figure in the role of comic book villain, controlling the operation behind the scenes like an evil puppetmaster (classic conspiracy fare; again, we gotta take that energy, that suspicion, the understanding that they are being taken advantage of & tricked, the idea that power & capital & resources are concentrated among a very small number of people, however it's not an individual wealthy villain with a desire for world domination who wants to turn Free Americans into microchipped drones, it's a *class* of people--or rather several classes, but *who those people are as individuals does not matter*. if you guillotined bill gates, another billionaire would take his place. bill gates qua bill gates is not the problem. it is classes of people who control the means of production & own property & profit enormously from exploiting the labor of a desperate, rapidly increasing underclass, i.e. from the system as it is. therefore it is in their interest to maintain the status quo, because it serves them. 'the rich get richer, the poor get poorer.' the middle class gradually ceases to exist. if you want to compound it by race, consider the GI bill as an example - you learn about it as the leg up that enabled thousands of WWII vets to buy houses, enabling them to enter the middle class. hundreds of thousands of third-gen middle class white americans still reap the structural, socioeconomic benefits of their grandparents' initial upward mobility, including,, very tangibly, those selfsame houses, which can be inherited & then rented out as a second property if the children or grandchildren accrue enough money to buy their own properties. but only about 100 black vets got approved for homeownership loans, despite the staggering numbers of black soldiers who enlisted & applied through the GI bill. anyway! the impulses are there, & they're only being funneled into conspiracy thinking because that makes intuitive sense on a narrative level. these guys have a high school education; so does my stepdad. their reading habits are...eclectic, sporadic, pretty much dictated by occasional recommendations & like, little free libraries around the neighborhood. it's both interesting & frustrating to see like - hey, here are these people, we agree on a lot of things, they're earnest & open & want to learn & would give their neighbor the shirt off their backs as a matter of principle. they'd give a *stranger* the shirt off their backs; they'd share whatever they had. even what chores there are in their collective--they live with two other guys--(dumpster diving, walking the dog, tidying up the apartment) are allocated by ability & inclination. they made advance plans to look after the dog & their roommate with War PTSD on the 4th of july if the fireworks upset them, jokingly called the dog an emotional support animal. you give them the tools, the reading, talk to them like normal people with a stake in society--like, imagine a society that would have a stake in people like you instead of criminalizing you & consigning you to the margins! that's already *political imagination* because anyone who occupies a marginalized position will have their existence politicized, whether they want this or not, so better to become a self-aware, self-reflexive political subject, no?--talk *with* them because tbh i am them, i'm just better at situational masking & also i am very very afraid of cops so i only damage property in groups during planned political actions (not spontaneously, because i feel a flash of rage at my neighborhood gentrifying, & simply do not have a superego, so i tear down the real estate sign for the fancy new apartment complex in a fit of pique, because in this house we believe that spontaneity can & should be developed into class consciousness, again, the seeds of which are there in the initial trigger for the spontaneous reaction, i.e. anger at gentrification. not opposed to a little direct action, but they're just gonna put up a new sign tomorrow, it doesn't advance your agenda or hinder the gentrifiers' progress. now, if
you sabotaged the construction site for the new apartment buildings & painted a few potent symbols + graffiti'd a pithy, written statement expressing your opposition to gentrification generally & these apartments specifically? in a prominent place, large font, eye level, visible & legible from oh, a block away? maybe as a member of a collective, your neighbors, perhaps? & you could sign it "[neighborhood] or [block] residents" to pack more of a punch, the power of a crowd speaking in unison to say "not OUR home, you predatory developers"? that's no longer spontaneous, impulsive, affective violence, & it's also no longer an individual--acting alone leaves you vulnerable. again--i didn't just *intuit* that he tore the sign down because he was mad about gentrification, i asked, in a genuinely curious tone, not at all accusatory, no hint of reprimand or censure, just...interested, "why did you do that?" & he was like "it made me fucking mad." & i was like "what about it made you mad? the apartments? how come?" & he thought about it for a minute & explained. i'm not sure *he* necessarily made the conscious connection until prompted. idk, i know people talk a lot about the fact that breitbart & drudge report are free while NYT & "all the news fit to print" is paywalled, & q-pilled covid hoax sites are free while "reputable" pandemic coverage & public health guidelines & explanations of mRNA vaccines for a lay audience are paywalled & that's true but also We Live In A Society & if you talk to the wingnuts who AREN'T that way because of any far-right ideology, a lot of them are just...autodidacts without much formal education but a lot of raw intelligence that leads to analyzing The Big Picture & trying to deduce a pattern, find a framework that explains why the world is the way it is, profoundly frustrated, deeply aware of American society's, universalized & figured as the world's, exceptional unfairness & cruelty, & *that can be redirected* with reading, discussion, prompting critical thought, introducing community connections, & perhaps most importantly for this genre of person, getting them to see patterns at work in terms of systems & structures rather than individuals, letting go of American individualism's explanatory power & belief in its liberatory potential (see: the sort of ad hoc libertarianism that goes hand-in-glove with much conspiracy thinking, both stemming from 1) mistrusting the government, & 2) ultimate freedom of the individual as the most sacred value, therefore it is what all enemies want to take away), outlining positive, actionable goals rather than just ambient suspicion & anger at authority, & figuring out how those goals can be accomplished more effectively by an organized collective (but this will ultimately benefit the individual). If the world isn't run by a shadowy cabal, if you begin to understand the structures responsible & how they manifest even on the scale of your block (e.g.!!! predatory developers buying up properties during a pandemic, tearing down affordable housing to build expensive condos on the lot, or giving old buildings a "spit and polish" so they can double the rent, pricing all the current residents out, not to mention all the little local businesses, almost all mexican & run by the mexican families who live here, that give our block its culture & will get pushed out by boutique coffee shops & the like, catering to a more affluent & almost certainly whiter clientele)--you can, in fact, change the world, something both of them repeatedly referred to as their purpose on earth. it may not be as a maverick figure, one against an army, but strength in numbers is an aphorism for a reason.
anyway! thse guys were also really weird about jews, in the philosemitic way conspiracy theorists of a certain stripe often are. the itinerant vagabond guy gave me one of his drawings; it's really lovely. i'm going to give them "are prisons obsolete?" & "the wretched of the earth" & some david graeber. 44 yr old guy has this idea that society is atomized & people aren't connected to each other & have lost the willingness or the ability to communicate with each other, also that the overreach of authority has driven some people to violence, & that makes the world feel unsafe to everyone else. he feels guilty because he is acutely aware that language, when wielded adroitly & intentionally, always has the capacity to manipulate; he is afraid of succumbing to the temptation, because he senses the coercive power of language within himself. the other guy was mostly quiet but said 44 yr old guy is one of the best friends he's ever had. he thinks animals are able to sense emotions and to heal, & he thinks they can mediate between people who have become too isolated, who have forgotten humans' innate ability to forge connections, approach others as social creatures seeking to bond instead of mistrustful, apprehensive, rejecting overtures of friendship because they expect subterfuge, or propriety has evolved to deem such overtures inappropriate outside of strictly delineated, artificially orchestrated contexts. deviation from the norm is not permitted. & back again to policing. they have an idea called "the omega family," omega for the end, a group of like-minded people who come together, who encounter each other serendipitously (predicted through auspicious auguries & recognized on sight through a constellation of signs & wonders, because of course we are all psychotic here, it was nice to just be psychotic & discuss these things like they were normal lol), & serve as catalysts to each other's "personal truth." anyway this is why i don't go out when i'm crazy, i always end up in situations like this, see also: the last time i did m*th, in a pizza hut bathroom in tallinn with an art student from glascow named muhammad ali (he went by ali), the son of white muslim converts--we thought it was c*ke but it got lost in translation & that's how i figured out i had adhd. later i got [redacted] by a filmmaker from kazan & he gave me his business card afterward for some reason, which was extremely funny. thankfully these dudes were better behaved. one of them even gave a speech about how men shouldn't rape people??? & also how our society shouldn't construct women as universal victims because in doing so it makes victimhood almost compulsory & shoehorns women into a victim role as part & parcel of womanhood? i was like yes my dude you are almost there, read the essay "abject feminism." (i did not tell them i was trans bc i wasn't sure how that would shake down, to be honest; couldn't get a read on it. did tell them i was gay & they respected it, though one did say he dated a lesbian once, & i explained that many men feel compelled to interject with an anecdote relating an exception to the rule or insist that they will he the exception to the rule, & it's really just bad manners, not even getting into the bad politics. he took it on the chin & talked about how the girl in question came home to find her partner dead of an overdose & his wife had just died of MS, so their relationship was more about grief & comfort than sexual attraction. i was like that's really, really sad, & it's wonderful that you were able to be there for each other at a time of such staggering loss, & i am a person who totally understands what you mean to communicate, but if a lesbian tells you they're a lesbian & you reply that you once dated a lesbian & they get offended & instead of responding with contrition or correction you elaborate on the tragic backstory of the relationship as though that explains the circumstances in which a self-proclaimed lesbian would date a cis man, other lesbians *will* deck you, or at the very least not take you, an unwashed white guy in
his 40s who isn't neurotypical & sits way too close for social convention in a way that could easily be construed as a come-on, in good faith.) tl;dr made some new friends, did some good drügs (i much prefer smoking m*th to snorting it, basically like purer, more potent adderall, & as such will not be doing it again for a LONG time, because i enjoy it FAR too much; slices through the brain fog & the chronic fatigue & the joint/bone pain, makes me able to pay attention, follow the thread of a conversation, actually be *interested* & want to ask *questions* & expand, build, encourage my interlocutor to elaborate, place more kal-toh pieces until the conversation shimmers into a three-dimensional shape, instead of being listless & exhausted & disengaged & *bored* all the time, so obviously i would get addicted immediately if given the opportunity, & i've known this forever lol)--now going to hydrate, refill pill case, write some emails, & meet C at the beach! not how i expected to reboot my brain, but it works! also putting them on limited facebook view because i try to keep some groups of people in my life quarantined from each other & that includes 1) my relatives & my academic ~colleagues (ne'er the twain shall meet), 2) my exes & my family, 3) my relatives, colleagues, & uh. a couple of lovely, but extremely psychotic dudes with very long criminal records i met while doing hard drugs
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A Lipless Face That I Want to Marry, Ch. 1
Chapter 2 ->
Summary: Surviving being bitten and burned alive by the Red Dragon was the easy part. Frederick Chilton has a long road ahead before things will ever be close to normal again. But your fiancé is a fighter, and you’ll be with him the whole way. 
Sequel to A Punchable Face That I Want to Kiss
CW: hospitals, surgery, major injury recovery. Sorry for the silly title, this will, in fact, be an angst-fest. 
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He seemed fine that first day—as fine as anyone could be after surviving what he had. His skin was red and cracked from being set on fire, and both his lips had been violently torn off—but they had found him in time. He was in the hospital recovering. Talking. You were able to speak with him, and reassure him that you still wanted to marry him, however long his recovery would take. Lips or no lips. You loved him.
You thought that meant he was going to be fine. The Red Dragon didn’t kill him.
But it wasn’t that simple.
His kidney started failing. Dehydration. He needed a massive amount of IV fluids to replace what he had lost and save him, but that volume of fluid had consequences. It made his body swell up to the point that you couldn’t recognize him—to the point that his airway was swollen closed and he couldn’t breathe on his own. And his single, struggling kidney might fail anyway.
Just a day ago he was talking to you, laughing as you teased him, telling you that you didn’t have to stay with him, and crying when you said you would. You had yelled at him for being such an idiot.
When you walked in the next morning, he was gone.
Overnight, he was like a cadaver, lying unconscious with ventilator and feeding tubes stuffed down his throat. Why did you yell at him?
You were so helpless. There was nothing you could do to make any sort of difference, not even encourage him with tender words or a joke. He couldn’t hear you. He was gone. Every snarky, sassy, smug, self-important, dramatic, gossipy remark was gone—silenced—leaving you with a body and no idea when or if he would wake up. All you could do was watch as he swelled, and hope that the fluids did their job saving his life before they killed him. All you could do was be grateful for every breath, every stubborn heartbeat, and pray they didn’t stop.
A doctor told you his chances of waking up would be slim for a healthy person. With ninety percent of his skin destroyed, bacteria could easily enter his bloodstream, and he could rapidly die of sepsis. The complication of his previous organ damage—especially the kidney Abel Gideon removed—made his probability of recovering next to zero.
“You don’t know what he’s lived through,” you seethed. “He did not survive three different serial killers just to die now. So you are not going to treat him like a lost cause, or…” You tried to think of what he would say, “Or I will sue this hospital for malpractice! That is the renowned psychiatrist and bestselling author Dr. Frederick Chilton, and you will not give up on him.”
Blustering didn’t suit you. And haughty threats couldn’t bring his swelling down. The doctors were doing everything they could, but the internal pressure became too much for him to breathe, even with the assistance of a ventilator and oxygen tubes in his nose. They carted him away to the operating room to cut more holes in him.
All you could do was watch.
“It will cause additional scarring,” a very kind nurse with curly hair explained to you as you blinked vacantly in a waiting room, trying not to break down, “but it should allow his chest to expand and save his life.”
You nodded, arms wrapped around your chest. He wouldn’t even notice a few more in the highway map of scars that his body had become. So long as he survived. You were supposed to get married. You just wanted him to wake up.
  ***
Frederick Chilton awoke in a bare and lonely hospital room.
A nurse came in to check on him after a few minutes of blinking groggily and trying to get his bearings through the static fuzz clouding his mind. She explained what had happened, reviewed the medications he was on, showed him the button to press to call for help, and handed him a remote control. No visitors to announce. No one waiting in the lobby all night, haggard with worry, for him to regain consciousness. No flowers crowding the bedside table.
The small television attached to the far wall, which he could barely see or hear, was less than useless, and the morphine drip prevented him from being able to focus enough to read a book. So he lay in bed, alone, in silence save for the tedious beep of the heart monitor.
It was so dull, he was grateful for having been unconscious for the last thirty hours, which was how long it took for the surgeons to get all the organs back inside of him that Abel Gideon took out, determining which ones were viable to go back, and which would go septic and kill him. Like a jigsaw puzzle. Humpty Dumpty, and not all of the pieces could be put together again.
Days passed, and his only visitor was a police officer there on a formality to take his statement.
He would have thought being disemboweled would make a man more popular. Of course it didn’t. This spared him his pride, at the least—he couldn’t tolerate visitors seeing him pale and clammy-skinned, whimpering with pain in a miserable little hospital gown—and for that he was grateful of his churlish nature, which pushed everyone well past arm’s length.
And yet, he wished they would at least try. He wanted people clamoring at his recovery room door so that he could send them away.
He would never be subjected to the indignity of being seen so weak—and yet, what he wouldn’t give to walk in to his office on his first day back and have all of his employees treat him softly, like he was some fragile thing, and not the tyrant they despised. To have them ask if he was all right.
Why didn’t he have more visitors? More flowers? More cards?
He was not well-liked, but he was distinguished. That warranted somebody stopping by with condolences. It was just that there was so little in his bare hospital room to distract him from the pain.
As the anesthetic wore off, a throbbing soreness radiated out from his abdomen, growing sharper with time. It was agonizing. With every breath, the contracting of his diaphragm and the expanding of his lungs and ribs tormented the stitches in his skin and the abused organs inside. He was either pumped full of so much morphine he couldn’t stay awake, or was clear-headed and wishing they would pump him full of more drugs so he could not be.
His mother sent a card, and so did the staff of the Baltimore State Hospital For The Criminally Insane. Both had flowers on the front, watercolor roses, and flowing script font in gold, and both meant equally little.
Perfunctory.
The one from the hospital had been insisted upon by the administrator, who had forced the staff to sign it. Each message was generic and impersonal, like they’d been taken from a standardized get-well form letter—although a few were kind enough to make him close his eyes and pretend they were genuinely meant for him. “We miss you, and wish you a speedy recovery!” His heart turned to think one of his employees really missed him and looked forward to him returning. He found the name signed under the message. He had no idea who it was, but he was certain he had never spoken to them.
The one from his mother had most likely been picked out by a maid, presented to her to mark her signature, and then mailed by said maid. It served mainly as a reminder that she hadn’t bothered to visit in person.
Both stung more to receive than if he had no cards at all—written proof that the only way anyone cared for him was as a formality.
There was a third card, however. The only one sent by someone who wasn’t socially obligated to.
You.
Unlike the others, it was completely unexpected. Jack Crawford, Alana Bloom, or Hannibal Lecter he would have understood, but you were last person he expected to hear from.
It wasn’t even a real card, but printed at home on plain, flimsy printer paper with a cartoon dog wearing a cone-collar that said “Sorry you’re feeling ruff” on the cover. The inside had a short, hand-written message: Glad you didn’t die.
Childish. Cheap. He should have been insulted. The whole thing was obviously intended to convey how little you cared. But he kept the damned thing long after he’d thrown the other two in the trash. He wished you would come visit so he could tell you how tacky you were to your face. Perhaps it was best that you didn’t—he would have wanted to buy himself flowers to fill the room with first, so it wouldn’t seem as if you were the only one who cared, or that your tasteless little gesture was anything of significance to him.
He was Dr. Frederick Chilton. It was important for you to know that he didn’t need you at all.
  ***
Frederick’s eyes moved behind closed lids. The swollen purple lids began to twitch, then slowly creep open. The room was hazy and bright with colors streaking at odd geometric angles away from the lights that produced them.
All he could make out were flowers. Dozens of them, hundreds, surrounding him in a resplendent cloud cloud of white and lavender. Either he fell asleep outside in the garden, or he had died and somehow gotten into heaven.
“No, you’re alive, Frederick,” you said from somewhere close. He must have been whispering to himself out loud. Your voice was wavering with powerful sobs that you shoved down to force it to sound soft and patient, but he could hear the laughter in it, too. “You’ve been out for awhile, but you’re doing really well. You just had a successful surgery. They finished debriding your burns and installing temporary grafts so you don’t go septic. Oh, and they were able to get a skin sample! It’s already in the lab so they can start growing you some of your own new skin.”
“Where…?” he blinked a few times, and tried to move before realizing he couldn’t. His body was heavier than lead and a dull ache like paper being torn pulsed beneath his skin at odd intervals. He went to lick his lips, but they weren’t there. His tongue hit empty air above his teeth, and then nothing until it encountered a gauze bandage and a plastic tube going into his nose.
That brought everything crashing back, and he groaned at reality, missing the previous few moments of anesthetic fog when the Red Dragon was just a dream.
You sat beside his hospital bed, on the side of his good eye, watching over him with a hopeful smile, rambling on about how happy you were that he was awake. There was a blue hospital blanket folded over the arm of the chair, and your hair was a mess—he wondered how long you’d been there. Every inch of surface space that wasn’t needed for medical purposes was covered in roses.
“You bought out Holland’s entire stock of flower exports.”
The way the words scraped sluggishly and humorlessly from his hoarse throat, his eyelids drooping lifelessly, made it sound like a reproach—but you laughed. You always laughed at his jokes. 
“They’re all fake,” you admitted. “Hospital rules—you’re an infection risk.”
He wanted to flash you a charming smile, but he couldn’t. He did not know if his face would ever be able to produce a smile again, or how many agonizing surgeries it would take before it could. You wanted to squeeze his hand and kiss him softly, over and over, but you couldn’t. It would be weeks before you could casually touch his skin without the risk of it ripping off. At least now that he was wrapped head to toe in thick gauze, you could reach out and gently rest your hand on top of his. It stung bitterly, but he didn’t show it—he didn’t want you to take your hand away. The pressure was comforting, and your engagement ring sparkled on your finger. 
“I am… glad to see you. These places can be so dull.” He met your gaze, hoping his one functional eye could shoulder the entire burden of body language in conveying his gratitude. He felt so defeated. Hollowed out. He stared up at the plain white ceiling. His words were often callous; it was physical passion which had brought you together in the first place, and without it, he feared he may begin to push you away like everyone else.
“Frederick,” you smiled, but your eyes looked like they might cry. “I’m glad to see you, too. Really glad. I don’t know who was there looking out for you the last few times you were in the hospital, but I wanted to make sure you know how loved you are this time. I’m going to be here every single day with books, and podcasts, fake flowers, and anything you want that I’m allowed to sneak in, until we can go home together.”
He didn’t want to say something trite like, “I couldn’t do this without you.”
He could.
He had before. But he didn’t want to. He never wanted to again. You had wormed so deeply into his heart and given his world color and meaning he had never known, even in his darkest moments. You made the biggest things seem unimportant, and the smallest things monumentally significant. He could never tell you how important you were to him, what it meant to not be alone.
The heart monitor betrayed the warm fluttering in his chest as the slow, steady beeping rapidly increased. You glanced up at the machine with concern, then back down to him, a sly grin spreading across your cheeks. Prideful embarrassment was written clearly all over his face, even with only part of his face left.
You wished more than ever that you could kiss him.
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My beloved Debbie has passed over the rainbow this morning.
She had a nice hot bath last night, and a whole happy meal to herself before the appointment (the vet said it was FINE). 
It was the right thng, she was having trouble breathing, but it was such a hard thing to do. Debbie was not the first, and likely not the last I will see to the end.
But the vets made it very bearable with a special room and a soft little bed on the floor we could shower her with love on. She fought going to sleep because she wanted more pets, and when she did fall asleep they came back to give her the other medication.
I have cried until no tears came, telling her she was loved and special, that we adored having her and will miss her, but it was okay to go. That we will never forget her.
I cradled her and kissed her head, patted her until she was gone and then beyond that. My sibling was there as well and was also as devastated, as he does a lot of her weekly care while I work away.
It was so hard to leave her there, even though we knew she was gone. I just couldn’t stop holding her and talking to her.
My beautiful Debbie, sometimes a little borky naughty baby, but always my darling daughter.
She was in her pyjamas, that my mother made her, so she wouldn’t be cold or afraid. The lovely vet, who saw her from day one when we got her, was able to be the one with us for this hard moment; she let us know Debbie was gone.
I don’t know how long we sat there, petting, holding, talking to her. Too long perhaps. It was so fucking hard to leave her there.  They gave us a soft blanket to cover her with, but even then it was hard to leave her without more goodbyes.
an awful sense of calm nothingness began to settle in as the crying stopped and I hated it. like ‘oh, let’s just get on with life then’ when it feels like everything was very wrong. like I was betraying her by not being more devastated.
tomorrow I go back to work, as if nothing is different. I hate it.
When we got home, the other dogs knew. They got anxious when ever we put Debbie in the car, because they knew she was sick.
The tears come sporadically, and I would give anything to have had more time with her, but it was the right choice. Debbie deserved a soft end, full of love and ease after a bad beginning.
-------------
To Debbie, 
You were my darling daughter, and I loved you from the first when you were a little fur-coated skeleton. I was so worried we’d lose you in the night, so I slept ont he floor beside you, with my hand on your leg, in case you needed something or passed; so you would know there was someone there, and you were loved.
You couldn’t close your mouth you were so weak, when you arrived, but with time and the right foods, you grew into the little kelpie you always should have been able to be. A funny, high-pitched barking, cheeky baby who had No Idea what a ball was or why the humans would throw it, but you loved to chase after your doggy siblings. 
You stablised on insulin, enough for us to chase down a specialist to see if we could get you some sight. After some fretting and a million eyedrops you weren’t a fan of, an operation, and the subsequent cone... your sight was restored 100% in one eye. Everything changed. You could see the cats, and follow your siblings, you stopped walking into white things, you got a bit snappy and territorial but you worked it out. 
You finally worked out what the humans were throwing for the others, but you STILL had no interest in the ball. Although you now had more precision in chasing after the others, barking your tiny head off because that was what you liked to do best. 
You had just started learning to play (tentative roughousing) with the others, too. Your sister Tuk was always trying to help by playing and initiating with you; it was a slow process, but you seemed to be having fun.
Your intense excitement for toad-hunting began when you were 95% blind and continued after you were sighted. Leading to an incident a few months back where a grass seed got into your sighted eye and it formed an ulcer. We went right to the specialist, who operated immediately.
Sight restored, and still the little princess of the house, you were DELIGHTED to have an excuse for the humans to zip you up and down the highway in the Car. You loved car rides, and any excuse to take one.
It was at a check-up that we asked the specialist to feel an odd lump on your ribs. He said to go to the vet immediately, and we did; the first appointment was the next day. They operated within the week out of concern.
You didn’t seem to care too much, and slept off the operation as the humans worried themselves in knots. You’d had a mammary mass (benign) removed after being strong enough to be desexed, so it had to be another one, right?
You were still the happy little lady of the house when the news came. Mammary Carcinoma stage 3, meaning that we had a little time with you. You didn’t mind the long trip to Brisbane to see the oncologist, but you were a little miffed at having your tummy shaved (AGAIN) for the ultrasound.
It was in masses, and in your lymph nodes; but you weren’t in pain, and that was the important part. They offered chemotherapy, multiple surgeries and radiation; but you had been through so much already. As much as it broke our hearts, you deserved the best quality of life in the time left.
Maybe a year, but it felt closer to a few months as the mass began to solidify and make your movements harder. You didn’t mind, running along with the other dogs and barking twice as loud as usual. 
Last week you started to cough, and your humans worried. The other dogs were licking your face and sniffing you all over again, but you didn’t seem overly bothered by anything more than choosing which chair you wanted to sit in for a nap. You were as spoiled as you could be, my dear, within the restrictions of your diabetic needs.
We went to see the vet yesterday, a Sunday, and they said that your coughing was because water had started to climb in your lungs. The humans knew this was it, so we did everything we could to make the little time left special... but ordinary. 
You had a nice hot bath last night, and lots of loves and cuddles. The humans tried so hard not to cry around you, so you wouldn’t feel that you were making them sad or be afraid. 
This morning you wandered around toad hunting in the sun, and tried to play a game with your youngest/biggest sibling, but he was a little intimidated by the way you growled - silly boy. But you still had fun running and barking.
Your grandmother said a special goodbye, as she had no choice but to attend work today, and you wagged your tail as she left. Your other humans popped your pyjamas on and took you for a fun car ride to McDonalds, and you got to have a whole cheeseburger! Which you put in your mouth and then looked to the humans for guidance around eating, so they split it into little bits you could manage. A handful of fries and a little drink later, it was time.
You may have been a little confused about why we went to a different room with a soft little bed, or why the humans sat with you as the vet gave you something to make you sleepy. We said goodbye a thousand times, you asked for more and more pets by slipping your head under our hands. We kissed your head, patted you and told you how much you were loved in as many ways as we could.
I hope you were not scared when we cried, you are so special and it was difficult to say goodbye, even when it was the only way to keep you comfortable and safe from pain. You fell asleep while your humans held you, and slipped away quickly when the vet popped back in. She will miss you too, you were a special little patient.
I hope you are somewhere safe, somewhere happy and beyond any pain this life could inflict. We will never forget you darling Debbie, you were so fucking special and loved.
We love you, we miss you, thank you so much for being in our lives babygirl.
-Your Mother
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redfoxwritesstuff · 4 years
Text
Of Dust and Ashes. Chapter 31
So, good and bad news. The good, you’re getting your update right on time. More good news? The next update should also be right on time! In exchange for two bits of bad news, my laptop died. RIP and my daughter has been Covid’ed out of daycare and is stuck home until her test result comes in which means I too am stuck at home. I may be around more... or less.
Chapter warnings: None? Some blood and talk of the aftermath of the snap.  Series warnings: Dude, at this point- if it can be a warning, it’s probably either already in the story or planned. Please read responsibly.  Series rating: M for mature themes, graphic violence, sexual content and death. 
Wanna catch up? Masterlist is here. Wanna drop me a tip? Buy me a Ko-Fi.
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Chapter 31: Stew
Dee paced the waiting room. Each lap across the wood floor took less time. When she realized she was near a jog, she forced herself to slow down. It wouldn't do to work herself up.
She should have been talking to Rachel. Now was a perfect time to explain the situation with Sasha in more detail. How else could Rachel ever feel comfortable enough to trust the new woman. If Rachel didn’t trust Sasha, how could they be sure that she would stay with her?
If Rachel left the Clinic and struck out on her own, it was very likely that her baby would die. If she got lucky, she herself would survive until the spring. Dee didn’t want to put much time, effort or resources into keeping the ungrateful woman alive but she also didn’t want her to die. There had already been more than enough death.
The fact that they’d already done too much already to keep her alive gnawed at her. They had left the safety of the farmhouse to keep her alive. They killed people to keep her alive. Trust got hurt because they decided to save her. She owed it to them to survive until the spring. If saving her resulted in Trust's death, she owed it to them to survive.
Swallowing her anxiety, Dee forced herself to sit next to Rachel. “Make yourself at home.”
“What?”
“This is where we’re going to be leaving you.” Dee didn’t want to be talking. She wanted to be trying to sneak up on the exam room again. She wanted to check on Trust. But she knew she would only be a distraction. Clint wanted her to work on setting Rachel at ease.
“I thought… I thought we would be going to a house… This isn’t somewhere people can live.”
Dee took a deep breath, willing herself to be calm. Silence ticked on around them. She reminded herself that she had a different experience with the Decimation than Rachel. She had known many horrors during the last five months but she had traveled. She had seen the extent of it through a great portion of the country. She had seen what it did to cities, towns, people and most importantly, to families.
Rachel only knew what this small part of the country. She was a local to Kansas. She’d lived in the small town she had grown up in. Those who remained had banded together to protect themselves and their supplies. When King Jacob’s men had shown up and offered to absorb them at the cost of a minor tax, it was hard not to hear them out. It had seemed like a great way to gain more safety and support. The majority agreed to join with King Jacob, believing with all their hearts that they were doing what was best for the town.
They hadn’t expected that the minor tax would include most of their supplies. It had taken the King’s men looting the town for them to stand up and say enough. The result was only bloodshed and the kidnapping of most of the women and young boys.
Dee had listened to a bit of her story while they had walked through the city, on their way to the truck. If that was what had happened here, she could only imagine what happened to those living within the expanding territory of King Mason. There were so many other self named 'kings'. How were they running their territories?
Clint had mentioned that the reforming government was working with the self titled Kings on the East Coast. What were they like? How many people had they hurt? The idea made her sick.
“You can live anywhere, now. Zoning rules don’t apply.” It was a bad joke and Rachel didn’t laugh. “There’s a stove, generator, well water, rooms and beds.”
“Exam rooms and beds.” Rachel pointed out.
“True. But the walls are thick and solid. It’s out of the way and you’ll be living with a nurse.”
“But-”
“We won’t make you stay. But this is where we will bring supplies and this is where we will leave you. The rest is up to you. But if you come and go from here, come back to get supplies and leave again- you could lead others here. It’s up to you.”
Rachel was silent for a moment. Finally, she opened her mouth to say something as Clint rounded the corner. Dee shot to her feet and rushed across the room, heart beating wildly in her chest. Her stomach rolled. Blood was smeared on his hands. Though she tried, she couldn’t make her voice work.
“He’s okay.” Clint’s arms wrapped around her, pulling her into a tight hug. It was everything she needed. “He’s okay.”
“Really?” Tears slipped down her face. She told herself it was dumb to cry over a dog but couldn’t stop.
“Sasha was able to remove the bullet. Stitched him right up. He got lucky, it missed everything vital. He may always have a limp though, it nicked his shoulder blade but she doesn’t have a way to cast it.”
“He’s going to be okay?” She asked again, as if he hadn’t already said he would be.
“Yeah. Some pain meds for a few days. He’s going to be sore for a while.”
“He’ll be fine, assuming infection doesn’t set in.” Sasha added, rounding the corner. “I’d like to keep him in an exam room overnight to make sure he rests. We’ll offer food and water in a while when he’s fully awake.”
“Why can’t he stay with us?”
“I don’t want him ripping the sutures. If he’s alone in a small room, he won’t be doing much moving around. Just for tonight, maybe some of tomorrow.”
“Hopefully he leaves them alone.” Clint grumbled. “I don’t exactly have a cone of shame in the truck.”
“If you could get one, that’d be best.” Sasha offered.
“We’ll see.” Clint grumbled. His back was sore. His legs were sore. His head ached from lack of sleep and stress. “It’s not something that many would think to take and hoard at least. Shouldn’t be too hard to come by.”
“If you can, antibiotics and animal medications? Any literature they have as well- I’m a nurse, a people nurse. Not a vet. I’m playing a dangerous game of guesswork using what I’ve got on him.”
“Not likely on antibiotics. Most people know that they will need antibiotics if they get hurt. Most don’t know the names- they probably just shoved everything they could in a bag and called it a day. But a cone and maybe some books should be easy enough.” Clint didn’t want to go anywhere. He wanted to sleep. Still, Sasha was a valuable resource that was already paying for her keep. The least he could do was enable her to be a bigger resource. “I’ll go after we eat, swing by the farmhouse and load up supplies as well.”
“You will come back.” Sasha pressed. Though it wasn’t presented as an option or a question, it was. The way she twisted her hands and her eyebrows bunched together gave it away. She would have been a pretty young woman, before everything had happened. Clint would bet that as she came into her new life now, she would once again be a pretty young woman.
“I will. You’ll have Trust so I have to. Can’t leave the mutt behind, now can I? Dee’d be heartbroken.”
Sasha nodded and turned. “You’re all probably hungry. I’ll see what I can make.”
“Let me.” Dee insisted.
“I’ll build up the fire.” Clint offered, dragging himself to the wood stove.
“But-”
“I’d rather you give Lizzy a checkup and her shots. Rachel could use a once over as well. We can make food while you do what we can’t.”
Dee made her way over to Rachel who was still huddled in the chair. “Sasha here is going to give you and Lizzy a once over, okay? If Lizzy is strong enough, she’s going to give her her shots.”
“Why?”
“The shots? Because we want to protect her from as much as we can.”
“Herd immunity is questionable at best right now.” Clint added. It had been something that had been weighing on his mind. More than a few of Lauren’s mom friends had opted out of giving their snot goblins shots. They would give imaginary reasons full of made up science that only made sense on the most surface level. “Half the population is gone and antivax was gaining traction. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there is a resurgence of most of the shit we gave shots for in the next decade. There may not be enough kids in some areas that had their shots, kids born now probably won’t get their shots for a while, if at all- large holes in a very thin herd.”
“I’ll give shots to any kid who needs them.” Sasha pointed out. “Other doctors, nurses still alive will too. We don’t want to see things like whooping cough and measles outbreaks becoming routine again.”
“You will. But others may only give it in exchange for food or supplies. Others still may hoard the vaccines, only giving them to members of their family or group. It’s a new world and you’ve got to stop thinking in terms of this being temporary.”
“But the Avengers, You’ll fix this.” Sasha pressed.
“No. We. Won’t.” Clint punctuated each word with the toss of a handful of twigs and kindling into the wood stove. “We- They tried. They failed. The grape that did this is dead. The stones are destroyed. It’s over and this is what’s left.”
“But-” This time it was Rachel that spoke up only to receive Clint’s glower.
“But what? The world will come back to something that looks normal? Fat chance.” Clint directed his attention wholly to his task when he noticed both Sasha and Rachel shrinking back from his glare. “The Avengers are working with the government to re-establish order and rule on the east coast, moving west. They’re filling the government and military ranks.”
“That’s good then?” Rachel offered. Sasha had abandoned the room to prepare for the exams.
“Is it?” Clint scoffed as he took a long stick lighter from Dee’s offered hand. Before long, Sasha would have to light her fires with matches and then, learn to strike a fire with flint. It was one of the many ways people were not prepared to live a life like this. “They are absorbing the self titled rulers, naming them governors and mayors. Do you think King Jacob would have made a good mayor? That’s what he would have become, if they came and he still held the city. Sure, they’d require him to raise the standard of treatment of the people, give them freedom but still.”
“They can’t be. They’re heroes. That’s not-”
“It is. Tony’s got crippling PTSD and has all but given up. Thor’s busy doing whatever to settle his people. Bruce has locked himself in a lab. Nat and Steve are working damn hard to bring the government back damn near on their own but they are only two people. They can’t be everywhere and they can’t fill every spot. The Avengers you hold so dear are down to one super soldier and one very tired assassin.”
“What about you?” Rachel asked. “You’re still alive.”
“Am I?” Clint snapped, regretting it instantly as Dee draped a calming arm across his shoulders.
“You are.” She whispered in his ear and he clung to that.
“I can’t support putting people like that in charge of other people's lives.” Clint said.
Both he and Dee knew there was more to it, though they rarely spoke of it. Clint was bitter. He was angry. He blamed them. They failed to save everyone. He blamed himself, too. He wasn't there to have the chance to help, to fail with them. Now, he wouldn’t- no, he couldn’t help them put people like the self named King Jacob in power.
He understood why they had to do it. He wouldn’t help but he wouldn’t stand in their way. Let the terrible king’s reign for now, someone would likely go through and kill them later. Someone like-
“Come on.” Sasha called out, ushering Rachel and the baby out of the waiting room with a clipboard in her hand and what looked like two charts. It was so normal that Dee couldn’t help but smile at the sight. If playing doctor made Sasha feel better, all the better.
The fire crackled as Clint stacked a few large logs on top of the pile of flaming kindling and thick sticks. He waited for the first to begin catching before adding the next.
“There are others like  King Jacob.” Dee said.
Though it was not a question, Clint answered. “Yeah. I won’t let them hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you.”
“Can you really promise that?” Dee asked. “Our own government, your friends are allowing them to keep power and giving them authority.”
“I won’t let them touch you.” Clint insisted.
“Back in California, there was a man calling himself King-”
“Did he hurt you?”
“No, I never had a encounter with him. I’d hear him and his people on the radio, making announcements of their power or whatever. There were stations that resisted, TV and radio. One was taken over while on the air. People died. He isn’t a good man.”
“Bad people are going to rule the world, at least for a while.”
“They did before too, I think. It was just less obvious.”
Clint laughed, though the sound was bitter. “True enough. But there were others who kept them in check.”
“Like we did today?” Dee whispered. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She knew she was dancing around something but she couldn’t pinpoint what. It was something dark that didn’t want to be given voice. Perhaps it was evil. Perhaps it was madness.
“Yeah.” Clint whispered. “Just like today.”
“I’ll see what I can find for dinner.” Dee said.
With that, they turned away from the unnamed madness, leaving it hanging and powerless. If they didn’t look at it too long, maybe they could ignore the siren call. What would happen if they listened? What would happen if they gave it voice? What would happen if they took more power than they had now? What power could they have?
~~~~~<3
“Well, Lizzy seems to have gained a good bit of weight. She’s doing much better than that first day. Got her shots in. I’d like to keep her on the normal schedule for them, if possible.”
Sasha’s voice cut through the room as they entered. The heavy smell of stew greeted them. It smelled heavenly and drew a rumble from her stomach. How Clint and Dee could manage to make something that smelled that divine with the food she had, she couldn’t imagine. Somehow, they did though and she couldn’t wait to dig in.
“Everyone’s okay, then?” Dee called out, straightening her back. She’d been slumped over the stew, mixing the pot to keep it from burning. Clint was next to her, making something akin to flat bread on the stove top.
“For the most part.” Sasha wouldn’t call Rachel healthy but she would admit she could be in worse condition.
“There should be plenty to eat, at least.” Clint said, flipping the bread like disks when the first side was browned. “Grab bowls so we can eat up.”
The meal passed with soft words and long spells of silence. Sasha and Rachel both ate two bowls and many, many disks of bread. Clint wasn’t surprised. Sasha had looked to have been stretching her food. He couldn’t blame her. She had no real reason to trust that he would come back with supplies like he had promised.
While they had been waiting for Sasha and Rachel, Clint had taken his time to poke around her supplies. She had some canned meat and a almost empty freezer. He had every intention of filling her freezer with meat and ice. He’d see to it that they could last a month between supplying trips, if they ever were unable to make the trip.
Setting his empty bowl to the side, Clint stood up. “I’ll go grab supplies as promised before it gets too late.”
“You’re going to come back, right?” Sasha asked as if he had somewhere else to go with all the supplies.
“Yeah.” He directed his attention to Dee. “That stew will taste even better tonight. When the fire burns down, throw it back on the stove to simmer.”
She nodded her agreement, pulling herself to her feet as Clint gathered his keys, boots and coat. As he stood from tying his boots, she wrapped her arms around his waist from behind. His arms crossed over her’s, his hands clasping around her’s.
“Be safe.” She pleaded.
“Always.”
“Come back to me.”
“Always.” He promised again. “I will always come back to you.”
“I love you.” She whispered, as if it was a sacred secret.
Turning, he placed his hand on the side of her face. Fingers slipped into the strands of her hair as he brought his lips to her’s. The kiss was soft, sweet and chaste yet it was somehow everything she needed from him. “I love you, too.”
After letting him go, she watched him slip into his coat. He checked his gun before pushing the furniture from in front of the door. As it closed behind him, she squeezed her eyes together. After taking two slow, deep breaths, she began pushing everything back in place.
She wondered if it would ever be easier to watch him leave.
~~~~~<3
Tag list: @usedtobegoodfriend96​ @alcoholic-muffin​​ @theoneanna​ @alexakeyloveloki​, @toozmanykids​, @winterisakiller​, @j-u-s-t-4​. @bambamwolf87​​, @missaphrodite23​, @nonsensicalobsessions​, @tinchentitri​, @xoxabs88xox​ @queenoftheunderdark​, @carissime72​ @myoxisbroken​ @coyotesongwriting​ @wegingerangelica​ @tnystrk-exe​ @faemapfae​, @jeremyrennerfanxxxx123​​ 
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pisati · 5 years
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I saw my psychiatrist for presumably the last time today. I’m sad she’s leaving, since she’s the first psychiatrist to actually try with me. to take a look at all the meds I’ve tried, pinpoint what was making me sick, and avoid that. the first medication she picked has been working just fine for me. it’s maybe not ideal, I could probably be doing better, but it’s leagues better than where I was before. powering through it on sheer willpower alone just so I could get through school, because I didn’t have the time or energy (or money, frankly) to get good mental health care.
we talked about my job briefly, traded cute animal pictures-- her dogs and some of the clients at my clinic. she mentioned that she was leaving the practice because, despite the pay, it just wasn’t where she wanted to be. she had to take a step for herself. I just did that myself-- it’s nice to know we’re on the same wavelength as far as self-awareness and being attuned to our needs. I’m going to miss her, for sure, but I’m glad she’ll be feeling better going back to school and teaching. 
I forget how it came up, but we mentioned the future as well. ah-- she went on kind of a tangent saying how, since I’m doing so well in and enjoying being at the clinic I could maybe move up and do office-manager-type work in a clinic one day, and I said, well, maybe. right now I’m not sure I want to stay in the animal medical care industry (though it makes a lot more money than other avenues, depending what jobs you have). but the experience is absolutely invaluable, especially since they’re cross-training me as a vet assistant too. 
but this is what’s hitting me like a hard slap to the face: I went on to say that I could still see myself in animal care. this medical experience would be hugely beneficial for me, especially if I stayed in something like sheltering. and I could see myself doing that. I could see myself moving up in a shelter environment; I could see myself doing something like our shelter director does (though I’m not entirely sure what her job is-- but it’s certainly not all office work). I told her that I couldn’t see myself just being in an office again. 
I’ve talked about it before. how I just knew, somehow. in my 5th grade yearbook, in that little “about me” section we each had under our pictures... mine said “future career: veterinarian”. I used to know myself so much better, before the fear set in. but this feels like a slap in the face because it’s really the first time in at least 5-6 years that I’ve said anything about my future with any kind of conviction. I’ve thought about going into psychology, maybe even counseling; some of those netflix docuseries had me considering juvenile detention counseling too. but even after I read up on the job descriptions and what those things entail... I’m just not sure. I could maybe see myself at a practice somewhere, maybe even in a school, but I just don’t know. I can’t imagine a future for myself without animals, whether that’s just as pets or whether I make it my job. 
I think I even mentioned when I was still at my last job, that if money were no issue, I’d be working at an animal shelter, no question. I think now I’m becoming less afraid of the financial consequences of that decision. it would be nice to have a supplemental income, maybe even a partner with a second income to contribute to rent costs, but... I don’t know, ya know? I think we’re all struggling, and society’s gonna collapse because nobody’s making enough money to live. might as well do something that makes me feel good.
it makes me sad to think about all the time I spent in linguistics. I’ve never not loved it. but I can’t blame myself for being afraid, and for not knowing better. 
but this really feels like something I could do. my confidence is lacking a little; I think I’d need to get better trained with animal behavior, definitely. one thing that’s holding me back is how intimidated I am by fearful and aggressive animals, but that’s also because I don’t have the kind of training that many people in my clinic have. there’s one tech in particular who’s specifically trained in behavior and she does happy visits with some dogs who are literally too afraid to let the vets touch them. she’s been working with this one dog for months and he finally reached the point where they did an exam, and I think they just did his first rabies vaccine the other day. but I’ve seen cats screaming and hissing and swiping; I watched a cat try to bite while it was getting blood drawn, even with the cone we put on him. I’ve seen dogs whimper and flinch away from needles; I haven’t witnessed a bite or a near-bite yet, but I know some have to be muzzled during procedures just because the potential is there. I don’t know how to handle things like that, and you have to be confident with yourself and your ability to handle the situation when you’re working with animals like that. you have to keep a cool head. and I’m not at all confident. but here’s the thing-- I feel like I could definitely get there.
I’m still thinking about grad school. maybe something to do with animal behavior. I’ll have to see, and I’ll have to see if there are any prereqs. I’m sure I missed out on a lot of classes I’d need for that kind of degree. 
it’s scary, looking forward like this. not being sick over it; not wanting to die at the thought of all this time I still have to drag myself through. I’m not 100% confident that this is where I want to go, but it’s a much surer foot I’m putting forward than it has been in the past. I really need to sit down and ask myself if this is what I want. if this really is the path I want to go down. I want to have a game plan. I want to know what I want out of it first. part of me wants to see where it takes me, but part of me also wants to plan ahead. I’m not doing grad school without having goals, but it’s hard to have goals when you’re still pretty new to the field. 
I looked at my wrist today, and I had one of those moments that was like.. oh. you’re still there. sometimes it’ll hit you after you’ve gotten a tattoo that, wow, this shit’s really there forever. this one on my wrist is going to be 7 years old this winter, and it’s really gonna be there when I’m old and wrinkly. just thinking about these 7 years and how it’s still there.. I don’t know how to describe the feeling. forever becomes so much longer when you realize you’ve barely gotten through a fraction of it. it’s been a long 7 years, but also... only 7 years? I got it when I was 18. it’s still here at 25. it’ll still be there at 30. at 50. at 80. there’s so much time, and it’ll still be there. that’s pretty wild. 
those kind of things just remind me how much time I [theoretically] have left. how many experiences I have the potential to pack into my life. maybe one day I will be able to open the record store of my dreams, and run a rat rescue, and have a little craftsman-style house and a lavender farm. maybe I won’t. but it’s comforting to think about a possible future in animal sheltering. what doors that might open for me. maybe if I get more confident in my crafting skills I’ll finally start selling my projects for money; maybe that’ll go somewhere. 
I don’t know. maybe it’s the antidepressants, maybe it’s that I’m finally on the upswing from period week, maybe it’s everything. I’m feeling so much better than I used to. I was sitting on the train this morning, listening to some playlist of something or other, and a sad song came on. and I remembered my past self almost embarrassedly. why did I just perpetuate my sadness? didn’t I know that by listening to such sad music all the time I wasn’t allowing myself to get better? I don’t think that was necessarily the case. I might just not be as inclined to listen to that caliber of sad music lately because I don’t feel like I need a companion in my sadness anymore. that kind of thing was comforting to me in the past. maybe it kept me in some dark places, but it was nice just to feel like someone else ached like me at some point. it was the closest thing I had to company. 
anyway. it’s nice to be out of that for a little. now I think it’s time to maybe start thinking about the future. baby steps.
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dammit-stark · 5 years
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Thorbruce soulmate au?
thorbruce soulmate au - - 1.7k words
When Bruce wakes up from another hulk-induced haze, he doesn’t know where he is. He also doesn’t recognize the weird-looking spot on his chest.
“Huh, that’s new,” He says, then pulls on a shirt and a probably-not-dirty pair of pants, Thor kindly makes sure he’s all in one piece, pats him on the back, and they move on with their lives.
“You are alright, sir Banner?” Thor asks, straightening Bruce’s back-up tee shirt. They’ve spent a lot of time together since the whole blowing-up-of-Asgard thing, “I would hate if something had happened to you.”
Bruce shakes his head, “I’m fine,” He says, “As always. Thanks, Thor.”
“Anything for you, my valiant, green, punching friend!” Thor tells him, and Bruce can’t remember when he became lucky enough to have genuinely good people in his chaotic, messy life.
Bruce smiles, tight lipped and shy, but doesn’t say anything else. There’s a weird burn where the new mark resides, and the doctor dutifully ignores it in the meantime.
Bruce doesn’t think anything of the oddly shaped blemish until one day the hulk is thrown into a freeway by a megalomaniacal genetically modified crocodile man, and he wakes up an hour and a half later to Thor’s big hands shaking him awake as he is surrounded by the legs of half a dozen Avengers. As his eyes blink open, Thor sighs in relief and eagerly helps him up as Nat hands him a cotton blanket.
Thor walks with Bruce until he regains his balance, a strong hand on his arm as he animatedly details the Hulk’s part in the battle. They walk in an aimless Circle, and Bruce just lets it all wash over him, a weird and unfamiliar feeling settling in his stomach. He hypothesizes that it’s probably concussion-related, though the Hulk has never been known to have the ability to become concussed. Thor tells him about the dog he’d met the day before. For all intents and purposes, it’s nice.
“Hey, doc?” Tony asks as the whole group walks back to the helicarrier, “Do we need you to talk to medical? What’s that on your chest?”
Bruce looks down and sure enough poking out of the emergency blanket is the same oblong mark that had appeared a few weeks earlier, only darker and maybe a little greener too.
“I don’t know,” Bruce says, and he pulls the blanket tighter around himself, his shoulder muscles their typical tense mess as he thinks about how great it’d be to just get home, “It’s been there a bit. I don’t worry about it.”
Bruce flees from Tony’s custody as soon as he’s on the ship and he goes to find some clothes and move on with his life. His life’s been filled with one too many biological mysteries to dwell on a little slightly green spot on his chest. Even if said slightly green spot seemed to correspond with a certain weird, fluttery feeling in his chest.
The third time the mark shows up, it has nothing to do with the Hulk and that’s when Bruce starts to get worried.
The Avengers has spent the day training, but Bruce hadn’t felt up to bringing the Hulk out, so he sat in a corner and meditated with his teammates when they took a step out of the ring. When they decide they’re done for the day, sweaty and just shy of overworked, Thor demands ice cream for the whole group of them.
They traipse into Coldstone Creamery and nearly bring the building down with them. The look on Thor’s face is worth the shock of the other customers.
“Banner!” Thor turns to Bruce, an elated smile spread across his face and a ginormous waffle cone held in his hands, “This delicious treat is like mafic! I wish for you to feel this same euphoria as I do! Please, taste it!”
For some reason, Bruce doesn’t resist.
He takes a big ol’ lick of Thor’s ice cream. He’s never been crazy about chocolate chip cookie dough, but it certainly tastes like magic.
Bruce smiles, and for once everything feels deceptively normal… okay even, edging onto alarmingly happy.
Then Nat pushes Clint off his chair and straight into Mjolnir and Captain America is scolding a couple of notorious international spies for acting like children as Tony Stark poses dramatically for a coupe ofpoorlyhidden paparazzi, and Bruce is reminded of how absolutely absurd his life is.
Thor wraps his arm around the back of Bruce’s chair and he finds himself melting into it anyway. It’s weird.
He doesn’t notice that the mark has come back, darker than ever, until he gets home and into his bed and he looks down.
“Well, shit,” Bruce says aloud to himself, because no harm had been done to his body in at least a week and he honestly has no other explanations for it.
He decides then an there that maybe it’d be appropriate to consult a professional.
He calls Helen Cho up the very next day, and though the mark had certainly dimmed since the previous night, it’s undeniably still there, and she promises over the phone to come by and check it out by noon.
Brice is used to not knowing what the hell is going on inside of his own body, but this feels different.
Thor comes by, once or twice actually, because for some reason he can tell something’s off with Bruce’s mood, but Bruce just shakes his head and sends him on his way. No use getting other people in a tizzy about things too.
Helen comes by at noon on the dot, and while Bruce is busy thanking her profusely for taking the time to come by, she ushers him into a chair and tsks at him.
“You’re a friend, Bruce,” She tells him, “I’d think even you’d be able to tell that by now. So you gotta tell me, what’s up?”
He very shyly unbuttons his shirt and shows her the strange spot on his chest. She makes an offhand comment about how it’d be about where his heart is. Bruce doesn’t see why that particularly matters unless it means he has some advanced skin/heart cancer hybrid that has yet to exist. With Bruce’s luck, he wouldn’t be surprised.
She pokes and prods and hums quixotically, all without betraying any clue as to what the blemish might be in actuality.
Thor comes by for a third time a little bit later while Helen’s taking Bruce’s blood pressure for good measure, and his eyes grow wide in concern.
“Fair Bruce!” He exclaims, as dramatic as ever as Helen peels the contraption off of Bruce’s arm. Thor hovers anxiously at his side, rests a big hand on Bruce’s bare shoulder, “Are you all right?”
Bruce can’t get any words out. It’s all too much to be shirtless and insecure and honestly a little scared and then have Thor’s insanely comforting presence somehow manage to mellow everything out. He just sits there and nods like a mad bobble head until Thor leaves, that increasingly familiar feeling residing in his chest.
Thor smiles in the doorway, one fit out and the other in, a large grip around the frame, “Feel better, dear friend!” He exclaims, then bounds away like the wind.
The door shuts loudly behind him, and suddenly Helen’s giggling.
“You really don’t know, do you? Look down.”
The mark’s definitely darker now than before, by a lot too.
“What’s wrong with me, Helen? Is it- What’s this mean for the hulk?”
“Doctor Banner,” She says, unspooling her stethoscope and taking a seat across from him, “I say this with all due respect, but you’re a moron.”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s a soulmark, Bruce,” She says and sits back, waits for it to soak in.
“No way, there’s- that’s never been proven.”
“The green shape on your chest suggests otherwise.”
“But I don’t have a soulmate, Helen.”
“Again, look down at the mark on your chest please.”
“Well- who then?”
“You’re an idiot. Think.”
Brice has always been pretty good at thinking. In fact, overthinking is his specialty. So he thinks back. He thinks back to when it first appeared, a strong hand helping him up. To when he woke up, a smiling face before him. To that feeling in his stomach. To the softness in the room. It must show on his face when everything clicks because Helen clicks her tongue, satisfied, “Ah, there it is. I believe I’ve helped you as much as I can here, Bruce. The rest is up to you. Good luck.”
And just like that she leaves having dropped the biggest bombshell of Bruce’s life on him (since the last actual bombshell had been thrown at him at least). He didn’t know what do with himself.
This didn’t just mean he had feelings, deniable, repressible feelings. No, the mere presence of a mark meant that there was somebody out there who’s soul marched his own, a time-tested other half. It’s a strange thought for Bruce, but the longer he dwells on it the more it makes sense.
He thinks of the touches, the lingering eyes, the fluttering stomach. And the face that’s built up opposite him in his mind every time is… Thor. Thor with his huge hands and warm smile, the way he somehow makes any place with him feel like home to Bruce.
Thor comes in later that evening because that’s what he does. He’s kind and caring and blindly pokes himself in his friends’ business. Bruce realizes startlingly that he loved this behemoth of a man.
“Young Bruce!” Thor cheers as he enters Bruce’s private living room, “How is my dear companion’s health? I hope he is well!”
“Uh huh, yeah great,” Bruce mumbles and strides toward the god, hands outstretched and fingers questing. Before Thor can react, he’s wrapping his hands around his wrists, pulling him close, “Learned a lot about myself actually. Important stuff. Good stuff.”
Thor looks curious, content.
Then Bruce grabs onto Thor’s collar and pulls him into a kiss.
The contact of lips on lips tells everything Bruce needed. Soulmates. Huh.
When they split apart, panting, Thor grins, “This is a feeling we can continue to consider?”
“Yeah,” Bruce chuckled, “I think the universe’d certainly like that.”
If anybody knew about signs from the universe, it’d be a god, or a partner. Bruce doesn’t care which. All he knows is that the mark on his chest glows stronger than ever and the feeling in his stomach is like a million birds migrating away from home. His hands wrapped around Thor, Bruce knows, suddenly, that he’s already home.
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hymn2000 · 5 years
Text
Chiquitita - MCU AU fanfic - C29
Story summary: Something strange is happening. Someone from space has made their way to Earth, armed with a strange weapon. Targeting teenagers, their ray gun, when fired, turns the victim into a toddler. The Avengers set out to stop this, and find a way to reverse the effects. However, they don’t all come out of the battle unscathed.
Previous chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22   23 24  25  26 27 28
Part of my Frostiron and Spiderson series.
Warnings/themes: de-aging, family stuff, corporal punishment (early chapters only), mental health stuff, hurt/comfort, hospital/medical stuff
Chapter 29 - Now I Am Here
-
There was a blinding flash when the trigger was pulled. The fog cleared, and there, looking dazed and confused and a little mixed up, was Peter. No longer the little toddler Peter; but big, normal, regular, the-way-he-should-be, teenager Peter. 
Tony stared at him, hands over his mouth, tears filling his eyes.
“...Peter?”
Peter looked at him, brow slightly furrowed. Tony stood up, stepping closer to him. He reached out a hand somewhat cautiously, touching Peter’s face gently, as though checking he was real.
“It worked..! I can’t believe it really worked! My son!”
Tony threw his arms round Peter, hugging him close, kissing him hard on the cheek, holding him desperately.
“My son! I’ve got my son back!” Tony cried, and then burst into tears. “I missed you so much!”
Loki started crying too, but not for the same reason. He fled the room, refusing to look. Tony didn’t notice. He cradled Peter in his arms, crying into his shoulder, kissing him firmly on the cheek and telling him he loved him and saying how relieved he was to have him back. Peter didn’t say anything, but he slowly hugged Tony back. He felt weird. He didn’t know what was going on.
“I love you” Tony pulled back a little. “Loki, look, he- Loki?”
Tony turned to Thor, and the look on his face confirmed his suspicions. Thor smiled slightly. He rested a hand on Peter’s head for a moment and chucked him under the chin.
“I’m going to go and talk to Loki” he said. 
“Ok” Tony nodded.
Thor left the room, and Tony pulled Peter close again, squeezing him tight. He took a deep breath, trying to stop crying. 
“Sorry darling” he said. “I’m just emotional. I love you so much, you know that, don’t you?”
Peter swallowed hard. “I-I love you too”
If anything, that made Tony cry more. He held him ever tighter and kissed him hard. 
“My darling boy...”
Peter squirmed, and Tony loosened his grip.
“Peter? Hey, what’s up, kiddo? Was I hurting you?”
“I’m gonna go and see daddy”
“Wait, Peter-”
Peter pulled away from him. “I want daddy”
He stood up - and his legs gave out. Tony jumped up and grabbed him quickly before he could fall and hurt himself.
“Woah, woah, you’re ok” Tony said, setting him back on the sofa. “Hey, hey hey hey, shh! You’re ok”
“I-I don’t know what happened..!”
“Hey, shh, don’t look so worried! It’s ok!” Tony sat down beside him, giving him a cuddle. “You probably just need to adjust a little bit. You need to get used to being big again”
Peter looked at his hands. “I... I’m big again... I’m sorry”
“What? Hey, oh darling! What are you sorry for?”
“It’s my fault!” Peter said. “If I hadn’t picked up Kindsprengen’s gun, I-”
“No, darling! No, hey, it’s not your fault! It was my fault; I made you jump. I made you jump and you dropped the gun and that’s when you pressed the trigger. If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine” Tony kissed Peter’s cheek hard. “Shh. It doesn’t matter; it’s all over and done with now. We got the reversal, and you’re back! You’re back now. Everything is back to normal”
Peter shook his head. Nothing about this felt normal. He felt so weird. It was like he’d fainted, and then woke up big again. He was a toddler just a few minutes ago. Now he was his usual self, and he was so confused. He felt strange and shaky and confused and mixed up.
“Daddy...”
Tony kept an arm round Peter, supporting him. “Take it slow, darling. That’s it, you keep hold of me. There you go”
Tony helped Peter to his feet without incident. He was a little wobbly, but he didn’t seem to be at risk of falling. Peter looked down at himself, leaning against Tony. He felt dreadfully high up. He wanted Loki. Maybe he’d make him feel a bit better.
-
Loki wasn’t in a good way. He didn’t appreciate Thor’s company. There was a knock on the bedroom door, and the door opened, which only added to his anger. He growled.
“What the hell do you want?!” he snapped.
“Loki!” Tony glowered at him, holding Peter protectively. “Your son wants you”
Loki looked at Peter through his tears. He looked at the teenager stood where the toddler should be standing. He looked at his oh-so-familiar, but oh-so-different appearance; his soft curls, his thoughtful puppy-dog eyes, the way he was biting his thumb...
“Learn how to knock!” Loki shouted. “How many god-damn times do I have to say it?! I’ve been saying it for years; knock and wait before opening my door! How is this something you’ve failed to grasp?!”
“Hey, don’t shout at him!” Tony snapped. “Why, he-”
Peter stared at Loki, his heart thudding. He took a step back, although Tony’s arm was still tight round him, so he couldn’t move much. Why was Loki so angry? It didn’t make any sense. Sure, he wasn’t always great at remembering to wait for a response before opening his door, but he usually just shook his head and sighed at him. So why was he shouting at him this time?? What was different? He wasn’t just angry though:- Peter could see the tears in his eyes, the traces on his cheeks, and he could hear the sobs he wasn’t quite managing to choke back. 
“I said get out!” Loki snapped, and he was suddenly in front of them.
“Daddy-!”
“Don’t call me that!” Loki shouted. “Leave me alone!”
Tony’s protective instincts kicked in, and he wisely backed out onto the corridor with Peter safe in his arms before they could be physically pushed out. The door slammed shut behind them. 
Peter looked at the door, the sound of it slamming still vibrating round the hallway. Suddenly everything seemed so loud, so overwhelmingly, and he burst into tears, covering his face with his hands. 
“No! Oh darling, hey, don’t cry!” Tony begged, pulling Peter close. “Don’t cry! Just ignore him; he’s being silly! Oh darling!”
“I just wanted a cuddle!” Peter sobbed. “I don’t understand! He’s so cross with me! Why is he so angry? I just wanted a cuddle!”
“He’s being silly. Hey, oh sweetheart, darling! Hey, I’ve got you. Shh, I’ve got you. Let’s go to your room, ok?” 
“My legs feel all funny...” 
“Then I’ll carry you” Tony said, and he lifted the boy into his arms.
-
“You know” Tony said after he’d closed Peter’s bedroom door behind them. “After four and a half months of carrying around a toddler, you feel kinda heavy”
Peter swallowed hard, still crying. “W-well, after four and a half months of being a toddler, you seem kinda small”
Tony laughed, gently setting Peter down on the bed. Peter wiped his eyes on his sleeve and looked up at him.
“...Was it really that long?”
Tony nodded, sitting down beside him. “Yeah, it was. Sorting the reversal took longer than we expected it to”
Peter leant against him. Tony put an arm round him and rested his cheek against Peter’s head.
“Shh, darling. Please stop crying. You’re breaking my heart”
“Everything just feels so weird!” Peter whimpered. “I don’t know what’s going on!”
“It must be super weird, I get that... What do you want to do?”
“I wanna go to sleep!”
Tony pulled back slightly, looking at him. “Are you sure?”
“I’m so tired. I just wanna go to sleep. I’ll feel better if I do. You gotta, you gotta sleep on things sometimes, right?”
Tony nodded slightly. “Right... Do you need anything? Anything you want, anything at all, I’ll get it for you”
Peter’s eyes darted, and he started crying harder. “I want my rocket!”
“Y-you want your rocket?” Tony blinked. “Hey, shh. Ok, ok, I’ll go and get your rocket. Try and calm down for me. I won’t be long”
-
Tony went and retrieved the rocket from where it had been left on the sofa. Regular Peter had been a fan of cuddlies for a while, but the toy seal Tony had bought him in Northumberland had always been his favourite. Tony hadn’t really considered the possibility that he’d want for his little-kid toys after being turned back into a teenager. Still, he’d said he’d do anything for him, so he picked up the rocket and went back to Peter’s room. The poor boy was still crying just as hard as when he’d left him. 
“Oh sweetheart” Tony sighed.
He handed Peter the rocket. Peter hugged it close, rubbing his nose against the cone of the rocket, and gradually started to quieten. Tony sat beside him and cuddled him until he went completely quiet.
“Alright darling. There now” he said. “Nap time?”
Peter nodded.
“Alright, let’s get you settled. Um... do you want me to stay with you?”
“I think I need some alone time”
“Ok. Do you want me to help get you settled?”
Peter nodded. Tony pulled the covers back and moved him to the middle of the bed. Peter shifted onto the right side of the bed and Tony immediately moved him back.
“No, darling. Stay in the middle”
“Why?”
Tony looked down at him, and then slowly removed his hands from his shoulders.
“No reason...” he shook his head slightly. “Sorry. It’s just, while you’ve been small... Never mind. Settle wherever you like, kiddo”
Peter looked at him uncertainly and then shifted to the right side of the bed and settled down on his side, like he usually did. He looked at the bedside table, and quickly propped himself up on his elbow.
“What’s the matter, chick?”
Peter looked at him. “Where’s my photo?”
“What?”
“My photo! The photo of me and May, from her office box! Where is it?!”
“Hey, it’s ok, calm down” Tony said. “Just a minute”
He unclipped the cardboard case on the chest of drawers and took out the frame. He wiped the dust off with his sleeve and carefully set it back on the bedside table. 
Peter breathed out, relieved. “Why did you move it?”
“We didn’t want it to get broken” Tony said. He shifted awkwardly, and decided to be honest. “...While you were small, well, you didn’t remember her”
“Oh”
“Oh indeed...”
Peter lay down, cuddling his rocket close. Tony tucked him in properly and kissed him on the temple.
“Sleep tight, chick. You know where I am if you need me” 
Peter sat up when Tony reached the door. 
“Dad?”
Tony stopped. “Yes, darling?”
“I-I think I’ve changed my mind” Peter said. “Can you stay with me?”
“Of course I can”
Tony breathed out. He was hoping Peter would say that. He pushed the door closed and went back over to the bed, carefully clambering over Peter and struggling under the covers beside him. Peter turned onto his other side so that he was facing him.
“Do you want this?” Tony asked, holding up Peter’s old snowy seal toy.
Peter nodded slightly and let Tony tuck the seal under his arm. 
“...Dad, I feel a bit sick”
“Are you hungry?”
“I don’t think so”
“Maybe a little sleep will help. I think I could do with a nap too” Tony said, putting an arm round Peter and pulling him close. “We’ll see how you feel when you wake up, and then we’ll talk about everything that’s happened”
Peter settled down with his rocket and seal, resting his forehead against Tony’s chest.
“Dad?”
“Hm?”
“Is daddy ok?”
“We’ll talk when you wake up. Sleep time, bambino”
Peter looked at him, his brow furrowing. He didn’t say anything. Everything still felt very overwhelming. His memories were all mixed up and hazy, like a video on fast-forward, and his thoughts weren’t making any sense. But he knew one thing: Tony had never called him ‘bambino’ before. 
-
When Peter woke up a couple of hours later, Tony was still fast asleep. He lay there for a moment, trying to work out what he was feeling. He didn’t feel sick anymore, and he didn’t feel quite so mixed up. He’d turned onto his back in his sleep, so at least now he could look around without moving. He looked at the photo of him and May on the bedside table. Other than that, the bedside table was much the same as always, only instead of the usual glass tumbler and jug, there was a dinosaur beaker and a plastic jug with a lid. He surveyed the room. It was still undeniably his bedroom, but there was a lot of different things: kids clothes in boxes, a little dressing gown on the back of the door, a little pair of slippers by the bed; toys and crayons and kids book on the floor, and for some reason, his elephant was wearing a scarf and had a toy monkey sat on its back. 
Peter’s memories started to settle, and as he looked around the room, everything became both clearer, and stranger. His toddler memories all flooded back. He’d played with these toys. He’d worn these clothes. He’d done the dot-to-dots stacked by the desk. He’d messed about with his elephant set up and balanced a toy dog in a toy cage on the edge of the sink by the window. And Tony had called him ‘bambino’ - when he was little. He knew all this. But he was himself now; a teenager. But... when he’d woken up that morning, he’d been a toddler. Peter reached for his phone instinctively, but of course it wasn’t under his pillow. He didn’t know where it would be. He craned his head, looking at the clock on the windowsill. It was nearly five in the evening. He wasn’t too sure when he’d come into his room, but he had a feeling he must have been zapped with the reversal no more than about three hours ago. That felt weird to think about. It all felt weird to think about. He’d really been turned into a toddler. He’d actually lived as a toddler for four and a half months. 
Peter slipped out from under Tony’s arm, careful not to wake him. He climbed out of bed. He felt a bit wobbly on his feet, but he tried to ignore it, deciding he’d probably get used to it. Like Tony had said; maybe he just needed a bit of time to adjust. He carefully slipped out of his room. He paused outside Loki’s room for a moment. He couldn’t hear any sound coming from the other side of the door. He wasn’t sure whether Thor was still there or not. He touched the wood gently, and then withdrew it, remembering how he was shouted at earlier. He didn’t know why that had happened, but he didn’t want to risk a repeat. He sighed and carried on down the hallway. He needed to think.
-
Peter wandered round the house, feeling oddly dazed. He felt like he shouldn’t be there, the same way he’d felt way back when he’d first set foot in the Stark household. He paused at the top of the stairs. There was a little dinosaur raincoat on the chair on the landing, and a little pair of trainers. Peter looked down the stairs and took a step forward, hitting the seal at the top of the stairs. He looked surprised for a moment, before remembering that Loki had put it up as a safety measure. He pressed against the seal with both hands. He checked behind him, and then started climbing up the seal. It was something he was sure Loki still hadn’t caught on to; the fact that he could climb the seals like a wall with his spiderman abilities. It still felt weird, crawling on something clearer than glass, even though he’d done it so many times before. Sometimes Loki left a gap in the seal, usually at the top. He kept climbing and when he reached the ceiling, the seal was still intact. He rested his ear against it, concentrating, and tapped it gently. He could just about see and hear the vibrations carrying on from the wall closest to him to the wall over the other side. It looked like downstairs was out of bounds to him for a while longer at least. He sighed and jumped down, landing light on his feet on the landing. Well, the effects of that horrible spider bite were still intact. That was one thing, anyway. He knew he hadn’t had any of those abilities while he was a toddler. He wasn’t sure why. He touched his head, feeling the cuts on his forehead and the grazes on his chin. These were the injuries he’d sustained in the fight against Kindsprengen. He wasn’t sure why they’d popped up again now. Why hadn’t they passed on to him when he’d been turned into a toddler? Why hadn’t they healed? These weren’t questions he had an answer to.
He walked into the living room. He looked at the toy boxes lined up by the wall. He looked at the box of farm animals by the sofa that he hadn’t gotten round to playing with earlier, before he’d been zapped with the reversal. He looked at the little painted suncatchers hanging in the window and the gel clings on the glass. He looked at the baby doll sat in its toy highchair. He looked at the discarded colouring books and crayons under the coffee table, and the toy dinosaurs lined up on the telly table.
He went into the back room. He looked at the little fleecy blanket on the futon where he’d napped every day for the past four and a half months. He looked at the toy baby buggy he’d left in there earlier that day. He felt weird. The buggy hadn’t seemed so tiny when he’d left it there.
He went to the kitchen. He looked at the plastic kids crockery and cutlery on the draining board. He looked at the stack of sippy cups on the side and the drawings and paintings pinned on the fridge. He went over to the breakfast bar. He looked at the tiny apron draped over one of the stools. He looked at the paint bottles and paint brushes and the cups of dirty paint water. He glanced at the papers scattered about the table, his eyes coming to rest on his last work of the day. He looked at the shaky printing of his name. He looked at the tiny yellow handprints. Was this real? Were these handprints really his? Had he really done this just mere hours ago? He placed his right hand over one of the tiny yellow handprints. Had he really been that small? He’d actually been a toddler, painting away, just a few hours ago. How was he supposed to get his head around that?
-
“Peter?”
Peter spun round quickly. “Dad..!”
“So this is where you got to! Everything ok?”
“I don’t know” he looked back at the paintings on the table. “Did I really do these?”
Tony put an arm round him, guiding him away from the breakfast bar. 
“Why don’t you, uh, just stand over here?” Tony said. “I’m just going to tidy all this away”
Peter didn’t argue. He stood leaning against the kitchen unit for support, watching Tony tidying everything away. Once the breakfast bar was clear, Tony gestured to him. 
“Come over here, son. You look shaky”
“I’ve felt like I’m, like... Like I’m gonna fall over” Peter said. “Since I stood up”
Tony quickly went over and picked him up, making him jump. 
“Hey, hey, shh! Darling, it’s ok” Tony said. “I’ve got you, don’t worry”
“S-sorry, I just-”
“Hey, don’t apologise” Tony said, carefully setting him down on his usual seat at the breakfast bar. “I’m sorry I made you jump. I just don’t want you falling over”
Peter didn’t say anything.
“You worried me, darling” Tony said. “When I woke up and you’d disappeared, I... I was worried that we hadn’t really managed to change you back”
Peter still didn’t say anything. Tony hugged him close, and he let him. He kept his face hidden, not quite hugging him back. 
“Dad?”
“Yes, darling?”
“I need a wee”
“Oh” Tony let go of him. “Ok, let’s-”
“I don’t need you to take me”
“Oh” Tony nodded. “Of course you don’t. I need to make a phone call, anyway, so...”
-
Peter was gone for a pretty long time. Tony went to track him down, and found him staring at Loki’s phone in the hallway. 
“Peter?”
Peter looked up quickly. 
“Darling, what is it?” Tony asked, going over to him. “What are you looking at?”
Peter swallowed and slowly turned Loki’s phone towards Tony. It was just Loki’s lock screen - but his lock screen was a picture of toddler Peter. 
“This is me?”
Tony took the phone from him and set it down on the sideboard. 
“Leave your father’s phone alone” he said. “Come on, chick: let’s get you a drink”
-
Loki paused and glanced over when Tony and Peter came into the kitchen. He didn’t say anything, but he got another mug down from the cupboard when he turned back to the boiling kettle. Tony sat Peter down at the breakfast bar and ruffled his hair gently. He then went and leant against the unit to the right of the oven, so he was somewhere in the middle of Loki and Peter. He cleared his throat.
“You alright, Loki?”
“Perfectly alright, Anthony” Loki said, although his voice was rather strained.
“Has your brother gone?”
Loki nodded slightly, picking up the now-boiled kettle and pouring water into both mugs. Tony didn’t try speaking to him again just yet. He kept an eye on him, watching him closely. Peter did too. Peter swallowed hard. His heart was thudding. He didn’t feel well. He didn’t understand why he’d been shouted at earlier, and he didn’t understand why Loki wasn’t looking at him, or why he was being so quiet.
A couple of minutes later, Loki headed toward the door. He stopped at the breakfast bar, setting one of the mugs down in front of Peter. He paused, and kissed the boy on the cheek before continuing on his way.
“Daddy? Daddy!”
Tony stopped him quickly before he could get up. 
“No, darling” he said gently. “Stay where you are”
Peter looked at him, taken aback. “What’s the matter with daddy? Are you two fighting? He only calls you Anthony when he’s cross with you”
“Drink your tea” Tony said. “There’s a good boy”
Peter didn’t feel confident enough to push it, but it made him feel on edge to think that his parents might be fighting. It was such a rare occurrence. He picked up his mug and the familiar scent of chai tea hit his nose. He breathed in, and took a small sip. It felt like forever since he’d last had it. Well, considering he’d spent four and a half months as a toddler, he supposed it had been a rather long time. It felt nice to settle down to a mug of something warm and familiar in what was otherwise a very confusing and unsettling day.
-
Peter didn’t feel great. He was still trying to get his head around what had happened, and he still felt a little bit shaky. Loki was conspicuously absent, and Tony kept touching him; hugging him and stroking his hair and kissing his face, and he didn’t really like it. He wanted a little hug from Loki, and he wanted some space to clear his head and time to think things through. He needed a bit of breathing room.
“STOP TOUCHING ME!” Peter shouted, slapping Tony’s hands away. “Just stop it! Leave me alone; I don’t want you touching me!”
“Hey, Peter! Darling, don’t shout like that” Tony said, taking Peter’s face in his hands. “Look at me. You’re ok”
“Stop touching me!” Peter shouted again, pushing his hands away, tears pricking his eyes. “Just leave me alone!”
“Sweetheart...”
Peter struggled up from the sofa, tripped over the box of toy farm animals, and fell over, smacking his head hard on the coffee table. 
“Peter!” 
Peter burst out crying, blood dripping down his face. He felt so mixed up and horrible, and now his head hurt too. Within seconds, Peter was being picked up in strong arms. He was crying too hard to comprehend it for a moment, but then he realised that it wasn’t Tony’s arms round him. He recognised these arms. He recognised that smell, too. 
“Hey trouble” Carol said. “Look at you! I’ve only been here thirty seconds and already you’re causing havoc”
*
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puppyexpressions · 5 years
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6 Fascinating Facts About Your Dog’s Eyes
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Dogs don't see the same world we do. For them, things might look a little grainier and a lot less vibrant. Then again, dogs can also see things we can only dream about.
Here are six fascinating facts about your dog's vision.
Dogs See Fewer Colors Than We Do
While scientists used to believe that dogs were color blind, turns out your dog can see colors, but with a different spectrum. Dogs do have fewer color sensitive cone receptors in their retinas than their human counterparts. In essence, this would make them similar to a person who is red-green color blind.
That doesn't mean dogs can't see red—it just doesn't look as vibrant to them. That bright red toy looks like a brown shade to them. This is why you may see a preferential treatment toward the blues and violets, as that is where the strength of their cones lies.
On the other hand, dogs' vision is more in tune with sepias and pastels than the full range that humans see. It has actually been reported that they can very accurately differentiate among different shades of gray, even though they would appear closely associated to us humans.
Dogs Don't Have 20/20 Vision
When it comes to sharpness of vision, dogs don’t fare as well as humans. A person with 20/20 vision can see what the average individual can see on an eye chart when he is standing 20 feet away. When it comes to dogs, they are more in the 20/75 range. This means that the visual acuity that a dog sees at 20 feet is similar to what a human would see at 75 feet.
In human terms, the average dog would be considered somewhat nearsighted. Think of it in terms of pixels, if you remove 75 percent of the pixels in a normal clear image, that is what a dog would be seeing. It's still clear, it's just more grainy than what we see.
Dogs Have a Larger Field of Vision
The field of view of the canine eye is usually 240 degrees. This is better than humans (180 degrees) and cats (200 degrees). However, this varies greatly between individual dogs and breeds.
The wolf retina is the most sensitive to scanning a horizon and looking for predators/ prey. A brachycephalic breed (Bulldogs, Pugs, Boxers, Boston Terriers) with forward-sitting eyes will see to the periphery better but they cannot see as well right in front of them.
Dogs Can See Much Better at Night
While you probably already knew that cats can see really well in low light, the truth is that dogs can see almost as well as their feline friends. Dogs and cats can see about seven times better in low or dim lights than people.
This is in part due to something called a tapetum at the back of the retina. This is a reflective layer so light that is not absorbed by photoreceptors gets bounced back and forth in the back of the eye to give it another chance at being recognized. Cats are especially good at this and they reflect 130 times more light than humans. This tapetum is what gives the glowing-eye look when you see a cat in the dark; that glow is light that is bouncing off the tapetum and then through the pupil and back to your eye.
Dogs Have a Third Eyelid
While the third eyelid is an important part of your dog's eye, it's not technically used in vision.
The third eyelid (officially called the nictitating membrane) has a couple of functions. It is there, primarily, to protect the eye. There is a very sensitive reflex called corneal reflex where any sensation on the cornea makes the third eyelid go up, outer eyelids close, and a muscle behind the globe pull the eye back. The third eyelid also functions to produce tears.
Dogs’ Eyes Can Tell You About Their Health
One of the easiest health issues to detect through the eyes is liver disease. With severe liver disease, a secondary condition occurs where there is retention of bile. This is commonly known as jaundice and probably the easiest place to detect this condition is a yellowing of the whites of the eyes.
On the other hand, a very pale sclera (the white outer layer of the eye) can be a sign of anemia from an abdominal bleed or kidney disease.
In dogs, changes in the size of the pupil can also indicate a serious medical problem. The pupils can be small when there is pain in the eye. And two different sized pupils can be present with head trauma. The presence of blood in the space between the cornea and pupil can also indicate trauma or potentially rodenticide poisoning (rat bait).
A cloudy eye can indicate the presence of protein or white blood cells. This can be secondary to trauma, infection, auto-immune disease, cancer (lymphoma especially), diabetes, and many other conditions.
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